April 1 - East High School

T
April 1st, 2014
Madison East High School
ower
imes
Wow, who could have done this?
The East Files
Crop Circles found on roof
Evan Kind
There is a plague ravaging East
High School. That plague is crop circles.
Since last Monday, reports have
been coming in from students all over the
school, reporting strange theremin music floating through the halls and greener-than-usual students. Not only that, but
weird photos have been popping up all
across the school, showing what appears
to be a cornfield precariously placed on
East’s beloved roof. To the layman, the
crop circle symbols are pure nonsense.
But your intrepid reporter Scoop Kind has
solved the mystery of the strange shapes
in the corn. After searching many a Bing
and Google Translate, I have discovered
that the secret code reads
Transport Your Puny Humans
to Our Space Cornship,
Letters to Follow
What could it mean, who is it from,
and why have we suddenly sprouted a
cornfield on top of East? To get the answers to these questions, I had to contact
my informant in the Science Wing, who
would prefer remain nameless. Let’s call
Vol. 90, Issue 7
Happy
April Fools!
Photo Credit: Tower Times
her Aran Pharkhaar. When asked about
the corn, Pharkhaar replied that “crops
can grow anywhere.” She then added
that the crops “might be used as biofuel
to fuel East’s furnaces.” However, when
questioned about the symbols in the corn,
Pharkhaar indicated that they were “very
suspicious” and that these antics may be
the result of “students wishing to provoke
[an early] spring break.”
Yet when the question of the large
corn roots that are rumoured to be eating
tardy students arose, Pharkar dismissed
it, saying that “corn roots are very shallow.” Does this mean that we are currently
living under an alien corn patch, a secret
GMO potato field, or just a scary tree? To
get answers I went to two other trusted
contacts. Let’s call them Matou Fata and
Mean ScCarthy. Fata insisted that the crop
circles were “a sign of the coming alien
invasion, to eat up all of our brains,” while
eventually admitting that the aliens would
In this Issue:
The Mystery of the
G Staircase
pg 4
Metersticks:
the True Story
pg 5
Personality Quiz
pg 5
Glorious, Glorious Poetry
pg 6
And Much, Much More...
need a lot of salt. ScCarthy insisted that
the crop circles were “a sign for a new
alien chain restaurant, meant to bring
deep fried cows to a local market.”
Whatever the answer, we can sleep
safe know that the angry yellow butterfly
people from Venus will be coming shortly
to eat our troubles and spleens away.
This is Scoop Kind wishing you a
safe and alien cornful April!
the tower times is Commited to informing, promoting, uniting, and celebrating THE East community.
East Tower Times
The Tower Times is committed to insensing, promising, untying and still celebrating the East community.
Volume: 90, Issue 7
April 9th, 2014
[email protected]
Staff: Adrian Conner (Sovereign) Emily Barry (Editor) - Wendy Hoang
(Editor) - Anna Cohen (Editor)- Joe Klafka (Deceased) - Cora Wiese Moore
(Deceased) - Evan Kind (Marginally Deceased) - Brennan Murphy - Becca Brokaw - Kanye West - Aran Lenon - Fatoumata Ceesay - Katie Johnson - Brenna
Kinney - Wiese Moore Cora - Molly Pomarnke-Blake - Maggie Caplan - Ariana
Moon- Eric Mattson - Seth Campbell - etc.
Above:Fatoumata, Ariana, Emily, Molly,
Anna, Wendy, Evan, Cora, Joe.
Missing: Adrian, Brennan, Becca, Kanye,
Aran, Katie, Brenna, Maggie, Seth.
Ask Peppy...
East High’s Advice Column
Dear Peppy,
My rabbit is in love with my neighbor’s
spaniel. How do I break it to him that
this will never work out?
Sincerely,
Casually Caught Between Love and Life
Dear Casually Caught,
Maybe you should ask the spaniel how
it feels before you jump to conclusions.
Think of all the unlikely couples out
there- Kermit and Miss Piggy, Harold
and Maude, me and Bucky Badger. Love
knows no bounds.
Dear Peppy,
My Yearbook photo makes me look like
a nauseated frog. My significant other
will call the amphibian exterminator on
me when they see it, or never ever want
to kiss me ever again. My parents don’t
know, and if they did, I’d be on the grill
before sundown. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Looking Like a Nauseated Frog
Dear Nauseated Frog,
My friend, Dendrobates tinctorius
April 10th, 2014
Editors’ Note
From Joe Klafka
and Cora Wiese Moore
Dear East Students,
IT IS WITH GREAT GUSTO THAT
WE ANOUNCE THAT WE ARE NO LONGER
THE EDITORS. yes.
It has come to our attention that
there are no teachers willing to let us
pitch our tents in their classroom over
Spring Break. This is an issue because we
are searching for a classroom to pitch our
tents in over Spring Break. The Smokies
people do it and so the Newspaper people
have to do it to keep up with those hippies. Except we will actually sleep in the
tents. Like any sane person would. Yes.
Thank you.
Consequently, we are leaving the
newspaper. This may seem unrelated. It
is. We are actually leaving because we are
old, which means that we are now eligible
to spend our days at IHOP. Joe will learn
azureus, a blue poison dart frog, has some
answers for you. So you look like a frog in
the picture? Might as well go all the way!
Dye yourself an alarming color (Dendrobates recommends blue, but orange, purple, or red also work) to warn off potential
predators/parents, but one that will grab
the eye of your sig. other. If necessary, dust
yourself in denatonium benzoate (a non
toxic but extremely bitter substance that
will keep you from becoming dinner but
will not poison your parental units) and
make sexy croaking noises to attract the
person/people you want.
If that doesn’t do the trick, write me again
and we’ll see what we can do.
Peppy
Dear Peppy,
This is the third night in a row I have had
very strange dreams, and have awoken to
find my cat sitting on my chest, staring at
me. Should I be concerned?
Thanks,
Creepy Cat
Dear Creepy Cat,
I am sorry to tell you this via high school
newspaper advice column, but your cat is
eating your soul.
Do not despair! My cat attempts the eating
of my soul at least once a month. Here are
some tips to help the situation:
1. Firmly, but politely, tell your cat to stop.
Say, “I know you’ve been eating my soul,
and I would like you to stop please. Our relationship means a lot to me, and I feel like
it will be jeopardized if you continue this
behavior.” Make sure to use “I” statements,
not “you” statements.
2. Remember bargaining is generally a
bad strategy in conflict resolution. Don’t
offer to buy your cat Fancy Feast canned
Page 2
how to knit, and Cora will be attempting to
do sudoku; Cora is not good at crosswords.
Evan will be reading all of your tumblr
blogs. He is not pleased. Together, we
will be stars of the cheapest coffee house
around.
Taking over for us are these new
people. Yep. Emily, Wendy, and half of
Anna Cohen. Altogether that leaves the
newspaper in the hands of three whole
people, because Wendy counts one and a
half times.
Please do not use more than one
box of tissues lamenting our retirement.
But please do not ask for our forwarding
addresses either. We do not want your
loveful or hateful or even neutrally dryeyed monotonous Walgreens farewell
cards. But you may leave any edible parting gifts with Ms. Conrad.
Thank you.
- Joe Klafka, Evan Kindt and Cora Wiese
Moore
April, 2014
cat food or let her feed off of your sister
instead in exchange for leaving your soul
intact.
3. Memorize these words: “Magellum
ninay hogus sloch”. Repeat them out loud
7 times before bed while drawing an X on
your chest with white vinegar.
4. When talking to your cat, don’t bring
past, unrelated issues into the discussion.
You’re talking about how the cat eats your
soul when you sleep, not how she licks
her butt noisily when you have company.
It isn’t fair to her to bring up everything
she’s done that upsets you all at once.
5. If all else fails, watch as much reality TV
as you can. She can’t eat your soul if it’s
already gone.
Peppy
Dear Peppy,
Why do people suck so much?
Dear Person,
A lot of people have a hard time understanding how they may be hurting other
people. It takes a strong, perceptive, and
mature person to be compassionate to the
people around them. Some people aren’t
there yet, and might never be. The most
you can do is work to get there yourself.
Best of luck.
If you need your faith in humanity restored, I suggest you youtube “Techno Viking,” read about the Berlin Airlift, watch
the movie Amelie or Harold and Maude or
My Cousin Vinny, and read some Charles
Bukowski poetry, because I bet you and he
have similar outlooks on life.
East Tower Times
April 11th, 2014
Joe Klafka
Perfect Man
Wendy Hoang
Josef (the ‘f’ stands for freakin
awesome) Louis-Pasteur Klafka was
born in the Galapagos Islands just two
days shy of Christmas. It was there that
he was raised by three sea turtles and
a dolphin. It is rumored that as a baby,
Joe was swept to shore on a gentle wave,
illuminated by the full moon. The turtles
found little Joe in a solid gold cradle,
wrapped in a diamond embroidered silk
blanket. As a child, he and his marine animal parents rescued drowning humans
foolish enough to venture out into the
ocean’s murky and treacherous depths.
When he grew up, Joe travelled far to
the grim and mysterious northern lands
of Wisconsin. After settling down in the
sleepy town of Maddy-son, he began his
education at the wizarding school of East
High.
Impeccably dressed, Joe stands
tall, with broad shoulders restrained
only by an intense aura of confidence and
charisma. His luscious golden locks sway
elegantly in the breeze like a flowing
stream of gold. His nose like a magnificent lump of pure white cream, delicately
placed in the center of his face. Beautifully hand-crafted spectacles are perched
on this dainty yet sturdy nose, revealing
a pair of misty-blue eyes as alluring as
the open seas. With these magnificent
eyes, he is able to find any mistake in an
English essay and see around corners.
Joe’s sturdy hands are strong enough to
crush men, yet sensitive enough to crush
Photo Credit: Evan Kind
Joe Klafka, the epitome of perfection.
butterflies. His strength is unparalleled by
his fellow man, being capable of performing 1000 push-ups in under a minute. Joe
also possesses a booming voice that resonates with sultry bass tones, able to make
any person within a ten mile radius fall to
their knees from the sheer bliss of hearing
it. When he enters a room, testosterone
and a dazzling personality ooze from his
every pore. He exudes both the authoritative power of a champion and the worldly
wisdom of a sage.
Ever the renaissance man, Joe’s
many talents are not limited to his physical capabilities. His masterfully-crafted
Jaia’s Monthly Poll
This monthly poll asked students and staff,
“Who is the perfect man?” Responses were
varied, but the top results were as follows:
Hugo Chavez- 13%
Albert Einstein- 11%
Wall-E- 8%
Zeus- 14%
Eugene V Debs- 18%
Batman- 9%
Imma strong independant woman and I
don’t need no man- 23%
Adrian Conner/ Joe Klafka mashup- 26%
Techno Viking- 100.01%
Page 3
baked goods are renowned throughout
the land to be as elegantly beautiful
as an angel, yet as delectably sinful as
the devil. According to the Iron Chef
himself, all of his creations are sprinkled with love from Cupid’s arrows.
Any person lucky enough to so much
as nibble one of these treats will find
themselves enamored with the next
person they see. These cakes and cookies are to be eaten with caution, however. Once tasted, no one can resist the
culinary expertise of Joe “The Baker’s
Man” Klafka.
He is comparable to Santa Claus
in many ways (lacking only the belly) and has the agility and stamina to
rescue stray kittens stuck in trees. His
magical powers include cleaning kitchens, making chocolate pastries, never
taking a bad picture, and always carrying white out - because who knows
when someone might make a terrible
writing mistake. Beyond human, Joe
can light up children’s faces all around
the world with the flick of his hand,
no batteries necessary. With a single
flip of his glamorous hair, he is able to
make every woman swoon dramatically. In addition to these valuable traits,
he possesses a 7.0 grade point average
and has 10,000 hours of community
service under his belt.
His qualities surpass even the
gods. Every child on the entire planet will one day hear the tale of Josef
Louis-Pasteur Klafka. His story will be
passed down from generation to generation, to be admired and provide a
guideline for any other child who wishes to be a hero. To be sure, the legacy of
Joe will be one for the record books.
BONUS POLL:
If you had any super power, what
would it be?
Flight- 26%
Invisiblity- 24%
Breathing underwater- 16%
Shapeshifting into Mr. Gibson- 13%
Being able to rehydrate raisins with
magic- 4%
Being able to finish all homework
assigned with only 24 hours in a day,
with 7 hours at school and at least 8
hours asleep and EVERYTHING ELSE
IN LIFE THAT IS NOT SCHOOL LIKE
CHORES AND EATING AND SPORTS
AND THEATER AND WRITING NEWSPAPERS AND TAKING CARE OF LITTLE
SIBLINGS AND WASHING MY CAT WHO
IS SO CHUBBY SHE CANNOT CLEAN
HERSELF- 7%
East Tower Times
April 10th, 2014
That Spot on the
G Stairs
What Spot? Yes, that spot.
Cora Wiese Moore
Perhaps I should have been
paying attention to what GDP is, but all I
remember from Basic Economics is the
distinctive sound of bodies slamming
into the middle door of the 2nd floor
entrance to the G stairs. Quite honestly,
there’s nothing more sadistically hilarious than watching with savage glee as
unwitting underclassmen send themselves flying into a metal door. Talk about
learning kinematics the hard way.
According to Mr. Attaway, the history wing has been the host of a scientific
study on “the passive-aggressive creation
of havoc and chaos by teachers on students” for several years now. His favorite
pastime is to observe the Pavlovian response of the students when they discover that the door is locked. His “maniacal
glee” whenever he gets the privilege of
watching some poor soul repeatedly trying to open the door is unmatched.
Of course, says Attaway, he always
asks the students if they’re okay after
they run headlong into the door, which is
sometimes even labelled as defective. But
then he retreats to a corner in his class-
Mockingjay
Part II
Joe Klafka
“Pass the damn ham, please.”
― Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird
Oh. My. God.
I have just walked out of one of the
single most horrible films of my career.
The whoops and cheers of my…fellow
moviegoers still resound in my ears. The
plebeians who refused to acknowledge
Photo Credit: Cora Wiese Moore
No comment.
Photo Credit: Cora Wiese Moore
Students attempting to exit or enter History Wing through the Spot while Attaway stands
to the side,
room and gives himself over to tyrannical
laughter. “BWAHAHAHAHA,” he responded
tyrannically when I questioned him about
it.
Recently, locked doors have been
popping up all over the place. Mr. Attaway
coyly admits to personally locking a few
bathroom doors, loitering with a sly grin
until someone runs headlong into the
newly created wooden barricade. But certainly no one teacher can be responsible
for the sudden binge of students walking
“Breaking Dawn Part III” as the best movie
ever may find this piece of filth worthy
of applause. I think I saw a woman jump
through the window to the projection
room, tackle the projectionist and give him
a noogie. The football players were kissing
each other. The goths wore rainbows.
To begin on this journey, though
recalling “Mockingjay” makes me shiver in
my Edward-print snuggie, I must describe
the premise. Breaking completely with
both the plot of “Mockingjay Parte Uno”, in
which J-Law and her hubbies sobbed over
episodes of Winnie-the-Pooh to make their
enemies just a little uncomfortable, Katniss Everdeen and her muscular accomplices are trapped in a Chuck-E-Cheese’s
and must find their way out before that
giant rat thing eats them.
Oh, wait. That was my last birthday party.
What really happened was nothing
short of one of the least intelligent plots
I have ever had the displeasure to watch
unfold. Katniss finds herself trapped
between two incredibly whatever dudes:
the homoerotic Aryan and the homoerotic
German. At the same time she needs to
take down the crazy-dressed wackos who
call themselves the Chicago Bears and rule
over all of Arendelle. Everdeen, with Jennifer Lawrence’s signature pigtails, uses a
Magnum revolver to casually shoot down
everything in her path. It made no sense
that she could shoot down walls, JFK,
and even a moose, but my face was too
Page 4
around with sore shoulders fuming
and cursing the doors of East. One
source implies that the whole history
department is in on it. “We all definitely see the locked door experiment as
a bemusing amusement.” Regardless,
the now unlocked G staircase door,
affectionately known as “That Spot on
the G Stairs,” will go down in history as
the best place to sit if you want to be
thoroughly entertained while you eat
your lunch.
screwed up by that point to utter more
than a bemused “Bwuchhhe?”
Lawrence once again shows off
her Oscar-winning talent by doing the
same thing that Anne Hathaway did in
Les Misérables. She cried. And cried.
Even while she blasted apart each and
every object and person that fell in
front of her, she still cried. The supporting cast, led by veteran Broadway actor
Bill Nye, bewilderingly manages to
keep its cool besides the Lawr-storm.
Nye himself, replacing The Hunger
Games’ Josh Hutcherson as Peeta, pulls
off a blonde wig perfectly, though the
number of times he threw off his shirt
to reveal a six-pack got a little extreme.
“I didn’t stub my
toe today.”
-Ms. Conrad
Countering that rampant
silliness, Gale, once played by Liam
Hemsworth, was now replaced by Mitt
Romney. Romney spent the movie in
arctic clothing - not an inch of skin
showed, except for his nose, and that
was as fake as Nye’s updo. I doubt that
anyone really cares about the others,
but any Purgolder who for whatever
reason goes to see this monstrosity will
(Continued on next page)
East Tower Times
(Continued from previous page)
get a big surprise the Extras Department:
East’s very own Aran Lenon found his
way in and can be seen eating a grapefruit with gusto in one of the Parisian
café scenes.
Photo Credit: Cora Wiese Moore
Student attempting to enter History Wing
Meter Sticks Revealed as False
Measurement Misused
Anna Cohen
A few months ago in an East High
School physics class, a theory was born:
meter sticks aren’t actually a meter long.
Initially called a baseless accusation,
these rumors have indeed been proven
true. Science has found that the so called
“meter sticks” are, in fact, .99 meters
long, an entire centimeter short of their
alleged meter-long length.
Now, you may be asking “How does this
affect me?” We at the Tower Times are
sorry to inform you that every physics
lab you have ever done was based on
these incorrect measurements, rendering all of your calculations completely
false. In fact, all scientists who have ever
utilized the meter as a term of measurement have been wrong. Also, due to the
nationwide requirement of measuring
the length of your desk before taking the
ACT, all ACT scores have been rendered
void out of fear of possible cheating.
There is, however, a silver lining in this
revelation: the fact that America is the
only country in the world that does not
use the metric system. We can conclude
that all foreign science is inaccurate.
We can no longer believe the assertions
made by Albert Einstein because his
measurements were flawed. The great
Galileo Galilei’s gift gotten of gracing the
humans with the knowledge of the planet Ganymede, may be incorrect seeing as
his meter sticks were not a meter long.
Once again, America has come out on top
and will be receiving the “World’s Smartest Country” award later this year.
None, however, have been more affected
by this revelation than one Evan J. Gnam.
Previous winner of the coveted “Peppiest
Teacher in the Whole Building” award
and author of the “.99 meter sticks”
theory, the seemingly infallible physics
teacher has fallen into a deep depression
April 10th, 2014
The cinematography made my eyes
bleed. Quite literally. Haemolacria is painful at the best of times, but I couldn’t keep
up with the six or seven babes I brought
with me to view the movie. All of them
had left by the end, though whether that
was because of the movie or my copious
red-colored tears, I couldn’t tell. But I
digress: back to the cinematography. The
weirdly-placed close-ups and swooping
shots of the floor made it seem as if the
cameraperson had slipped on a banana
peel and dropped the camera while doing
the worm. Then there were the character
shots; after the umpteenth time of Bill
Nye’s abs filling the screen, I was ready to
burn every fitness gym in Madison to the
ground.
The special effects could have been
made by a kindergartener in a sandbox
using nothing but mud and chicken
feathers. Katniss’s Magnum was an
airsoft gun with marshmallows insidethe white bullets had been cut and
spray-painted black, but were clearly
identifiable once extras started picking
up and eating them. When buildings
had to be destroyed, cardboard boxes
were smashed and thrown up against a
green wall. I would much rather spend
three hours and forty-seven point five
minutes actually going to class for once
than seeing that cheesy turd.
I could continue, until the end
of time, but that’s enough for now.
Just don’t go to this movie. Go rent a
copy of “Breaking Dawn Part III” and
bask in its glorious goaty music and
vibrant scenes of Russians eating tacos.
Mmmm...tacos. With ham.
Personality Quiz
Which East Department Are you?
1: It’s Friday Night. What are you doing?
A. Sitting by the fire enjoying a nice glass of grape juice and watching “Downton
Abbey”.
B. Going to the hottest party in town.
C. Trying to figure out how to use my computer.
D. Stargazing while watching Star Trek.
E. Eating pi with my guinea pig.
2: An article about you was recently published in Tower Times. How do you
respond?
A. Snarkily mention it offhand in class.
B. Celebrate! Throw a nacho/baguette party
C. Correct the poor grammar.
D. Interrogate your 6th hour class to see who wrote it.
E. Throw a pie in Joe Klafka’s face.
3: You just saw the Disney movie Frozen. How did you respond?
because of these revelations. Once a man
known for bursting into complicated song
and dance numbers at random moments
and handing out high-fives to kids who
had their hats stolen by Mr. Borowski,
he has now become a man known for
spending hours locked away in his study,
sobbing loudly. Gnam, also known for his
correctness, has now been proven to never
Photo Credit: Cora Wiese Moore
Mr. Gnam, examining this lie stick
have been correct in his life. Even his
lifelong fixation, soccer, has become little
more than a pipe dream, due to the mismeasurement of fields, for the broken man
from Alabama, who is now far more likely
to cling to the ball crying than kick it.
All that’s left to do is use the defunct meter sticks as blunt weaponry in our constant struggle against all of education.
Page 5
A. I thought it was a great story about
how sisterhood can change the world.
B. IT WAS THE BEST MOVIE I’VE EVER
SEEN.
C. Explicate the lyrics to the songs.
D. Point out inconsistencies in the way
that snow is made.
E. Do the worm for joy.
4: How would you murder someone?
A. I’d blow their minds with awesome
facts.
B. Go undercover and slip poison in
their drink.
C. Hallucinate a floating dagger leading
you to where you victim sleeps. Then
stab them.
D. Hit them over the head with a meter
stick and put them in a jar.
E. I’d bury them under a pile of homework.
If you answered…
Mostly A’s, you belong with the classy
and crazy History department.
Mostly B’s, it seems you would fit in
well with Foreign Language.
Mostly C’s, you got that English department swag.
Mostly D’s, you are one of the quirky,
nerdy Science department teachers.
Mostly E’s, we must tell you that you
have tested into the Math department.
East Tower Times
April 10, 2014
HAPPY NATIONAL POETRY MONTH
Staff Writes Egregious Poetry
Once there was a woman named Cora
Who really was more of a snore-a
When she said something deep
I started to sleep
So I couldn’t quite measure her aura
One hundred thousand
One million billion
Ways that I hate you
What is a haiku?
Do I really have to keep
to only these syll-
This is a Haiku
five, seven, five syllables
are needed for it
Old Mr. Du Vair
In the world, doesn’t have a care
But for jarred fish
Canterbury Tales
We read them in English Class
Or I should have. Oops
Once there was a man named Evan
Who had wanted to live in Devon
He had AVID binder,
a mean sidewinder;
And out of ten, I’d give him a seven
Thy feet they stink of fish
Thy nose it reeks of cheese
Thy eyes they conjure dastardly dreams
Of rotten mushy peas.
Fat, fat, fat, fat, fat.
Lil’ Bohnny, Lil’ Johnny, fat.
They were fat dogs fat.
Let’s taco ‘bout it
nah man, it’s nacho business
cheese guys cut it out
Love is a strange thing
how do you get over him?
answer, you just don’t
Once there was a man named Gnam
Who had watched many a Rom-com
But at East came his day
When he shouted “Let’s play!”
And popped in a great CD-ROM.
The other day I started singing.
I sang to everyone I saw.
An old man, and old lady, an orphan,
A baby and a rock.
The old man was not pleased.
He ran into the old lady,
Who blamed it on the orphan.
Who claimed it was the baby,
Who hit me with the rock.
Blame it on the Acrobats
The Sea was Green
Their Face was Tan
My Biceps are Bacon
Tanned by the Tender Rays
Of the Winter
I missed a test
I failed my quest
Mr. Gibson ate my headrest
How can I qualify
to apply
Without my sanity
Unless I spend my saturday
Unburying my life from a coffin
Signed With Mr. Gnam’s Protractor
Haikus are hard
Sometimes they don’t make sense
Refrigerator
How much wood would a
wood chuck chuck if a
wood chuck
could Chuck Norris?
Once there was a man named Joe
Who was really quite slow
He was very stupid
And avoided by Cupid
Mr. Attaway’d say “Ruh-Roah!”
Life is like chocolate
only, it isn’t so sweet
this got depressing
Once a mighty bison,
Who read a lot of Bill Bryson,
Well, he started to smoke
And started to croak
Now he wrestles with Mike Tyson
There was a fat dog,
his name was Lil’ Johnny.
He had a sister,
named Lil’ Bohnny.
Not as in Clyde.
She was also fat.
The dogs couldn’t walk,
instead they rolled here and there
and everywhere.
When they tried to walk,
Their limbs just flop,
Like a fish on a dock.
Page 6
Roses are blood orange
violets are violet
anymore captain obvious?
Arrr says the pirate
Feet smell like roses
But only when you wash them
Otherwise they stink.
Is Chuck Norris lame?
nah, but Chuck Norris Jokes are
just kidding they’re boss
Arrr says the pirate
A bounteous buccaneer
Polly want a Ritz?
I realize i’m bad
bad at writing good haikus
how do I end this?
East Tower Times
April 15th, 2014
April
Sun.
Mon.
6
13
National
Scrabble Day
20
Hitler’s
Birthday
Also Wisconsin becomes a territory on
this day in 1836
27
Tues.
Wed.
Sports
Thurs.
1
EPAS Makeup
Spring
Election
2
7
Early Release
Tower TV
8
9
East Band to
New Orleans
14
East Band
Returns
15
16
Fri.
Sat.
3
4
5
10
11
12
ACT Exam at
East
Euro
Challenge
Competition
17
ADRIAN
CONNER’S
DAY OF
BIRTH
18
SPRING BREAK
Also it is the anniversary of
Abe Lincoln’s being shot
21
Anniversary of Abe Lincoln
dying
22
National
Garlic Day
23
24
25
26
Link Crew Middle School Visits
State Solo &
William ShakeArbor
Day
Ensemble
speare born
School
Resumes.
Earth Day!!
(1564) and dead
(1616)
28
29
30
Early Release Imagine Club Guest Speakers
Workers Memorial
Day
19
1
National Honor
Society Ceremony
2
John Wilkes Booth killed by
Federal troops for
assasinating Lincoln
3
Announcements
Prepare for the final blood drive of the year!
You have the last opportunity to donate blood here at school on May 6th, so be ready. Get your forms
signed by parents and teachers, sign up for an appointment, and make sure you eat an iron-rich diet.
Marijuana legalization referendum results
The non-binding referendum on whether or not the legalization of marijuana should be considered
in Dane County was processed last week. About two thirds of those who voted voted “yes”, that legalization of marijuana should be considered. Being a non-binding referendum, this result doesn’t really
change anything, it just tells officials that it is an issue the public cares about.
alien invasion
Our neighbors from another universe plan on taking a vacation on our humble little Mother Earth.
They may or may not have weapons of mass destruction. Aliens sometimes take vacations with weapons of mass destruction, it’s a cultural thing or something. Estimated arrival is on April 22. You might
want to start digging a shelter and stocking up on Twinkies and TANG.
Personality quizzes an nsa plot
The recent popularity surge in online personality quizzes has been revealed to be a scheme by the National Security Administration to gather extensive personality outlines of internet users. Individuals
who qualify as Ursula in the “Which Disney Villian Are You?” or as weiner dogs in the “Which Dog Are
You?” will be subjected to increased surveillance.
Sweet potatoes
A recent study shows that sliced sweet potatoes can be used as a substitute for sliced carrots if you’re
seriously desperate for carrot sticks. Related studies have shown pudding can be used as a substitute
for frosting, cyanide as a substitute for arsenic, and grey styrofoam as a substitute for dirt if you’re
only growing plastic flowers. Researchers have concluded there is no adequate substitute for you because you are a unique and special snowflake.
Adrian’s Cat-astrophe
Adrian Conner’s cat is so chubby it cannot reach its own rear end and thus has gotten really kind of
dirty and Adrian is looking for some people to help out with giving her a bath.
East High school to be renamed
Potential new names currently under consideration are: Eeest Hi Skool, Madison Metropolitan Sewage
District, The Church of Anarchy, Laughalot HS, and Sarah Palin’s School for the Performing Arts.
Giraffes
Giraffes have only seven neck vertebrae, just like us. We are not as different as the Government would
like you to think. Stay compassionate, stay vigilant, comrades.
Page 7
Boy’s Baseball
April 8th vs. Janesville Craig
@Warner Park 5pm
April 15th vs. Memorial @
Warner Park 5pm
April 19th vs. Janesville
Parker @ Warner Park
11am
April 29th vs. Verona @
Warner Park 5pm
Boy’s Golf
April 9th vs. West, Verona
@ Edelweiss Golf Center
11:30am
April 21st Invite @ Maple
Bluff Country Club 12pm
April 26th vs. Waunakee @
Waunakee 10:30am
April 29th vs. Beloit, Memorial @ Odana Hills Golf
Course 2:30pm
Girl’s Soccer
April 10th vs. Sauk Prairie
@ Lussier Stadium 7pm
April 12th vs. Edgewood @
Lussier Stadium 2pm
April 17th vs. Janesville
Craig @ Lussier Stadium
7pm
April 24th vs. Memorial @
Lussier Stadium 7pm
April 26th vs. Racine Case @
Lussier Stadium 11am
Girl’s Softball
April 10th vs. Sun Prairie @
Olbrich Park 4:30pm
April 29th vs. Beloit Memorial @ Olbrich Park 4:30pm
Boy’s Tennis
April 10th vs. Janesville
Craig @ East 4pm
April 24th vs. Memorial @
East 4pm
April 25-26th Invite @ East
1pm (25th) 9am (26th)
Track (Boys and Girls)
April 15th vs. Memorial @
Lussier Stadium 4:45pm
April 29th vs. Janesville
Craig @ Lussier Stadium
4:45pm
Forensics
April 12th vs. Everyone @
UW-Madison 11:00 AM
Quidditch
February 30th vs. Sun Prairie @ Margaret Williams
12:30 AM
Cat Wrestling
April 17th vs. Cuddles @ Mr.
Rosevear’s House 2:00 PM
East Tower Times
April 20th, 2014
Zoroscopes
Super Quiz
By Ma Conrad
Kindergarten
1.) If I eat myself, would I become
twice as big or disappear entirely?
2.) What color of pants does Leon Dinh
always wear?
3.) In which century did April Fool’s
Day become popular?
let Madame Josephina give you guidance
Aries
Hey, prom is coming up! You can finally
tell your mom that you’re ready to wear
that 1970’s “I Love the Disco” pink and
yellow dress.
Taurus
Earth Day is right up your alley. You are
a gift to the Earth. Like that dinner-plate
size pair of sunglasses your grandma got
you in the Dells.
Gemini
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Oranges
are... orange. You smell like a childhood
friend of mine. Happy National Poetry
Month!
Cancer
You know what you did. The stars know
what you did. Ms. Conrad knows what
you did. Fix your game, player.
Leo
Avoid powerlines at all costs. Eat a lot of
pudding. Learn Yiddish. Call your doctor.
Even if you don’t have anything wrong
with you, just do it. Doctors get lonely
sometimes.
Virgo
Everyone deserves to have a white wedding once in a while. Prom, however, is
not the place or time.
Libra
If anyone is giving you a hard time, just look
at them in the eye and dance. Everyone loves
spontaneous dancing.
Scorpio
Your work has paid off. You can have your
cake and eat it too.
Sagittarius
You are the anchor on your team--you keep
it from moving forward. Stay out of garages.
Keep looking behind you, because the best
lack all conviction, while the worst are full of
passionate intensity.
Capricorn
The Moon isn’t in any house for you this
month--it isn’t even on the block. Carry a
flashlight. Be nice to the people around you-they can turn on you at any time. Things have
already begun to rotate.
Aquarius
Virgo is rising, but this has no impact on your
immediate future. Watch out on April 19th--I
just have a bad feeling about that date.
Pisces
Lay off the Flaming Hot Cheetos, but save
them to fake a sunburn in June by rubbing
them all over your body. Avoid canines. Embrace amphibians.
Super Quiz Answers:
1.) Yes. 2.) Orange 3.) 19th century 4.) Spaghetti tree 5.) Several correct answers, including: Rachel Maddow, J. Christopher Stevens, Samuel Alito, Jesus Christ and Anna Cohen.
6.) 3.0 7.) Dreamt 8.) Alabama, 1836 9.) St. Expeditus 10.) It glows 11.) Dr. Seuss
12.) The Guiness Book of World Record 13.) Ten times 14.) TECHNOVIKING 15.) TECHNOVIKING 16.) TECHNOVIKING
Success
•
Confidence
Study Skills
Reading
Writing
Spelling
Phonics
•
Motivation
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Page 8
Private School
4.) After the BBC’s 1957 April Fool’s
Day broadcast, excited listeners called
in to ask how to grow what type of
tree in their own back yard?
5.) Whose birthday falls on April Fool’s
Day?
6.) What is the biblical value of pi?
7.) What is the only word in the English alphabet that ends in -amt?
8.) What was the first state to recognize Christmas?
Med School
9.) Who is the patron Saint of Procrastinators?
10.) What happens if you shine UV
light on cat pee?
11.) Who invented the word “nerd?”
12.) Which book holds the world
record for being “most stolen from
libraries?”
13.) How many times does a woodchuck breathe for the duration of its
hibernation?
East High School
14.) Who is the perfect man?
15.) Who drinks only water given upside-down?
16.) Who lives in a pineapple under
the sea?