IN THE NEXT ISSUE OF WUP - Old Centrals Repository

IN THE NEXT ISSUE OF WUP:
We take an in-depth look at Terry Brown’s
tactical plans for his second season in the
Football League.
*
£1
9.8
WE ARE STAYING UP, WITH A
NEW STAND, NO BUDGET, AND
LOSING TWO OF THE SMALLER
TEAMS FROM THE LEAGUE, THE
FUTURE IS INTERESTING
Mark Bright: Hi there, in the next issue I recall my
time at Real Madrid and Bayern Munich in a glittering trophy laden career. Or was it Palace and
Sheffield Wednesday? Oh, how am I supposed to
remember!
Hope Akpan gives us his top tips on how to tackle
fairly, and the best way to tweet without offending,
keeping young family members under control and
fiction writing.
* NOW ON SHOW AT THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL MUSEUM
HODGSON
MANCINI
FERGIE
www.wupgb.co.uk / [email protected]
Raising our game?
Its not hard when
there’s fuck all in
front of me thats
getting my interest,
sir!
A MEANDER
through a weird and wonderful world
STAYING UP IS HARD TO DO
Well, my WUP predictions for the
top finishing teams in League 2 went
spectacularly awry, although Crawl£y/
Southend might still make it up (hopefully
the former won’t though!) Whilst we’re
all collectively sighing with relief that
a handful of teams were worse than us,
allowing us to stay in League 2, I’m
going to pour cold water on aspirations
for the future by saying that unless major
changes take place, we will be relegated
next season. What is the deciding factor
in making that judgement? Jamie Stuart is
leaving. Now, we know that Jamie is now
too old/too slow for this level (and quite
possibly the level below!) but he played a
crucial part in getting us here and deserves
our most heartfelt thanks and good wishes
for his next club. There aren’t too many
players around the AFCW squad with his
attributes, and boy do we need some! It’s
all very well having skill and finesse but
we need at least one bruiser/battleship/
leader out there - and that needs to be a
younger, quicker, taller version of Stuart.
I don’t want us to turn into a Steve Evans
style side of brawlers and referee harassers,
but we do need to toughen up generally and
show some channelled aggression. I’m not
at all happy with our home record, or with
the amount of points dropped to relegation
zone teams. That situation worsened with
an unacceptable 4-0 reverse at Barnet,
which must have been a bitter pill for
Hereford fans who witnessed a Great
Escape attempt at Crawley, to no real gain.
The other deciding factors are, we can’t
rely on teams going into administration and
having points deducted, to be our saving
grace. (Plymouth, for example, we expect
to have sorted themselves out sufficiently
to significantly improve on this seasons
showing). We can’t rely on Crawley
imploding because they still have decent
players on their books and their Cup money
won’t have dried up yet. We can’t rely on
Fleetwood playing a donkey in defence
again as per our last encounter. We can’t
have another season where highly rated
prospects such as Djilali come in, fail to
set the world alight then get injured every
five minutes. We can’t rely on Franchise
FC going bust leading to one less team
being relegated from the League, because
Clydesdale bank seem happy to let them
go on operating at a noteworthy loss even
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Hello there all grandchildren, orphans and
abducted fawns. Its the end of the season. But
wow, what a summer we have to look forward
to. England at the Euro’s and the Olympics.
Thousands of athletes from all over the world
will arrive in London for the Olympics. After the
games hundreds of them will return home, with
the rest taking part in the world’s longest and
largest game of Hide-and-Seek, with the losers
only going home when they’re found.
Our picture today is from Hemmingway
Silage of Simpleton-upon-avon, 72.
His picture of playful pups takes me back
to a moment in the Grumble womble
burrow, a few days ago. I called in on my
mum and dad to see their new Labrador
puppy.“And what’s your name fella?”
I asked. “We’ve called him Bouncer,”
replied my dad.
I was a little embarrassed when he
started sniffing my crotch.“Christ, dad!
Leave it out. What kind of example are
you setting to Bouncer?”
11 - the amount
of new players
we’ll likely need
to sign during the
summer.
If tomatoes are
a fruit, then isn’t
ketchup technically
a smoothie?
shopping expedition to Bluewater
and then dropping a box of frogs
on his foot during Bonfire Night,
Mat Mystery King turned out to be
half-decent, halfway through the
season. Although given our defensive
frailties, that might be semi-damning
with faint praise.
• McNewBloke aka ʻBambi On
Iceʼ, was given a six year contract
for being utterly brilliant and then
immediately placed in the stiffs, and
then caught that nasty ACL bug which
did the rounds a couple of years
ago. More disinfectant needed in the
training ground showers!
• The Dons Trust decided that we
donʼt really like The Sun, but we
donʼt really hate it.
• Speaking of scummy journalists,
we finally hired someone what can
write proper for the new OS, which
is still the old OS, but apparently
we might get the new version next
season, where we get to pay for stuff
like videos and the names of the
playersʼ childhood pets, but at least
weʼll know where it is on the site
from now….. er, in an unspecified
date in the near future.
• Having a scouser who can read
and write (mind yer website mister?)
meant that we were finally able to
wrest control of the website from The
Award Winning* Carvery and learn
other stuff about the club, like match
reports and how our players were
getting on.
• For instance, it turned out that
our Club Captain Jamie Stuart
was accidentally sent out to pick
up some special tartan paint and
left-handed screwdrivers in a van
with a wonky satnav. There was no
misunderstanding or rift, okay! You
guys and your silly imaginations!
• After half a season out with
a wonky guitar string in his leg
and a twitter account, that Djilali
bloke scored the winner against
Daggers, helping secure Terry
Brownʼs – I mean our safety, and
was immediately rewarded by a spell
back in the stiffs and free wrestling
lessons from Marcus Gayle.
• The two hundred kids who have
Season Tickets are going to have to
get a paper round or something in
order to make up the shortfall in the
defensive budget. Terry promises
that this will sort everything out
next season, but do we mind if he
just picks up three or four extra
midfielders and a centre forward
from the EvoStik League while heʼs
scouting during the Summer?
• We are apparently going to have
more seats, in the KRE, once the
builders finish sampling the entire
menu at the Fatboys and get on with
some fucking work.
• Assuming the worst when it comes
to builders, Erik Samuelson paved
the way to our groundsharing at
Shithurts Park again in a couple of
years, by hiring some stewards from
Selhurst and fixing the vote so that
our away shirt is a crypto-Crystal
Palace design.
• Terry Brown really really really
really likes diamonds.
• And midfielders.
• Hope “Iʼm not a homophobe”
Akpan proved that you can take the
shit out of the Crawley Town dugout,
but the smell lingers for a good
while after. Get well soon, Jason “the
Messiah” Prior!
• Back Bar Awning: day 603 and
counting….
• And finally….
WE ARE STAYING UP! SAY WE ARE
STAYING UP!
WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
See all you lovely Wombles in the
bar after the game for a celebratory
Bacardi Breezer or three! Xxx
though they are cutting banking jobs by the
thousand.
What of Barnet? Lawrie Sanchez got
the tin tack and can have little complaint
given their form. I do sympathise with
Barnet fans who remind us of their original
shortlisting for “MK Bees” club move
status, but there are one or two too many
Franchise connections on their books for
me to shed a tear if they went down.
How strange is it that the goals for
the League 2 leading scorers, Midson,
and a Franchise reject, all dried up
simultaneously! Now Rotherham’s
Grabban has a shout at grabbing the
accolade! Would all three get a section of
the golden boot award if they finished the
season on level pegging?
The criminal mess at Glasgow Rangers
led to speculation that they would try to
restart south of the border, in the manner
which AFCW made fashionable. The
prospect of this repulses me but cannot of
course be dismissed, given the spineless
administration of the English game. No
way could a phoenix club with their
support base start again at the equivalent of
the Combined Counties league!
Clubs in crisis are increasing in number
generally, with noteworthy examples
among those affected. It is sobering how
close we are to playing Coventry and
Portsmouth again, should their existences
continue.
On a brighter note, the reformed, supporter
driven Chester FC won the Evo Stik
Premier Division with something to
spare and should be one step closer to
Conference level, with real potential
for League 2 status in the near future
if they can hold their own against big
spending long term unsustainables in
the vein of Crawley and Fleetwood. It
will be interesting to see how Chester’s
attendances level out, in comparison to the
crowds they achieved under a succession
of dubious owners. Near neighbours and
arch rivals Wrexham look to also be on an
upward curve under supporter ownership,
though not owning their ground is a
concern. AFC Telford Utd hover above
the drop zone in the Conference but
should retain their place. Maybe they, too
have been saved by the plight of those
below them, as desperados Kettering and
Darlington fell through the trapdoor, the
latter no doubt cursed by having signed
Drewe Broughton at the business end of
the season. Going back to the Evo Stik
North, we must congratulate our friends
from FCUM for their play off qualification,
and wish them the best of luck in that
endeavour. It’s always good to see a
community club on the rise.
COMING UP
Who do you want up from the Conference
in the playoffs? As I’ve done the grounds
of all contenders bar York, I’ll say Luton
because of the chance to renew old
rivalries forged largely at a higher level,
notwithstanding our BSP playoff final
clash. Their playoff matches against
Wrexham will be a source of fascination,
more so now that Wrexham have publically
announced they will be £400k in the hole
if they don’t go up, and that Luton recently
recruited a manager with recent experience
of climbing out of the BSP on a budget.
If they do overcome Wrexham, the Welsh
fans will no doubt be extremely hacked
off due to the considerable difference
in points haul between second and fifth
place. Mansfield may well prove victorious
though, buoyed by their recent form and reacquisition of Field Mill. York are capable
of making the step up but if it comes to a
penalty shoot out decider, Jason Walker
will need to employ a different technique
this year!
WEAR IT WELL
It was announced this week that Barrow
AFC will wear kit manufactured by Puma
next season, joining the likes of Rotherham
and Leicester, and I was instantly reminded
of our association with Puma in the WFC
era when they were the supplier of the last
decent quality kit we sported. No disrespect
intended to Tempest but I would really feel
our resurrection if we could join Barrow on
the Puma clientele list!
YPOTY
As we went to press, results were being
analysed for the AFCW Young Player Of
The Year, The Natalie Callow Memorial
Trophy sponsored by this very fanzine. We
can reveal that the winner for season 201112 is Billy Knott with 42.18% of the votes,
ahead of nearest rival, last years winner
Seb Brown, who polled 29.89% this year.
Well done to Billy, and we look forward
to witnessing the trophy being presented
to you by Natalie’s parents. A photo of
the trophy presentation should appear in
the next WUP or on the WUP guestbook
pages soon. Not everybody agrees with
the inclusion of loan players in the voting
can keep an eye on fans watching the
game the game and make sure they
get help if they suddenly forget how
to stand up together in a group and
fall over, either independently or en
masse. Which happens a lot, if you
donʼt make all fans sit down in their
properly allocated seats. Apparently.
category, but you can’t argue that Billy
hasn’t made himself a fans favourite in the
time he has been with us!
REPULSIVE
As a result of the Wimbledon Guardian’s
“Drop The Dons” campaign, Merton
Council leader Stephen Alambritis entered
into pointless dialogue with his MK
counterpart, which has achieved more free
publicity for the Franchise monstrosity,
without a hope of achieving the aim of the
campaign. Our club, and our history should
not be political playthings, and seeing
images of cordial alliances between the
respective civic dignitaries only serves to
inflame the original situation rather than
resolve it. Whilst we’re dealing with the
unsavoury, I’ve been trying not to notice
that the Frannies are in playoff contention
but the prospect of them attaining
Championship status is real and possible. I
sincerely hope the other clubs in contention
wake the hell up and get the results to
keep them down – we do not need to see
Winkelman’s freak show get any more
media coverage or financial resuscitation,
thank you!
RAISING OUR GAME
Despite recent criticism, your favourite
emergency toilet paper (us) has made it
into the National Football Museum. We
don’t know how or why, but we have.
Thanks. More to follow...
WUP Fundraising and Do-Gooding page - sponsored by
Air Conditioning Technology
Menerga. www.menerga.co.uk
lovinʼ it like a slag safe in
the football league
Hello boys, and ladies!
After our first all-conquering lower
mid-table season back in the Football
League I have looked through my
private diary full of wonderful
memories and compiled this little
recap of our semi-triumphant season.
Our Cherry Red Flavoured Stadium
Kingsmeadow: After we thankfully
dropped the stupid Fans Stadium
rubbish (fans, what do they know
about running a stadium anyway!)
Ivor Heller literally walked metres
to get us some proper sponsorship,
from Ianʼs Discs, the son of Officer
McKay from Porridge, who has been
selling old vinyl discs in the car park,
next to Terryʼs Badges (another of
our huge sponsorship deals) ever
since the CCL days. This rewording
helped pay for extra recycling bins
in each corner and a state-of-the-art
Portakabin on stilts, with some web
cameras and technical stuff which I
donʼt understand stuck all around
the place. Apparently this is so the FA
A Touch of Selhurst: To help all the
fans who may or may not suddenly
fall over, our club was forced to hire
more stewards. Thankfully, due to
this foresight, there were very few
falling-over incidents throughout
the season. However, the Head of
the Football League Association
Witchcraft and Safety Department
came along to one of the last home
games of the season and pointed
out that we couldnʼt expect fans to
be able to stand up, carry a burger
and watch the game all at the same
time, so we were immediately asked
to make sure that we kept the burger
bars clear of people doing stupid
things like queuing or waiting for
their friends by the toilets. The FA,
as ever, keeping our best interests
at heart!
STAY IN YOUR ASSIGNED AREA DO
NOT MOVE THERE IS NOTHING TO
WORRY ABOUT: Oh yes, you are
now not allowed to go for a piss five
minutes before the end of each half,
since the stewards already have a
full time job ensuring that fans donʼt
spontaneously combust near the
burger bars. For this reason, youʼre
not allowed to smoke either. See?
Now youʼre all safe from injuring
yourselves, please enjoy the game!
PS Youʼre welcome!
On the pitch, on the pitch on the
pitch: We were shit. Then we got
pretty good for a bit. Then we got shit
again. But once we got Billy Knott
and that Moncur bloke in on loan, we
got pretty good for a bit again. Then
we got REALLY fucking shit. Then
Terry Brown stopped trying to buy
diamonds on The Worst Budget In
The Entire World Ever, and we started
winning and picking up points again.
Then we ensured we couldnʼt be
relegated, since there were at least
two teams who were way more even
shittier than us, so we decided it was
okay to get really shit again and aim
for a consistent end to the season.
That consistency being, yes, shit.
And that, boys and girls, is how we
made ourselves mathematically safe
from relegation on our triumphant
return to the higher echelons of the
footballing pyramid structure!
Next Season: We decide to do our
ʻplaying great/shit patchesʼ in
reverse and end up in the exact same
mathematically-safe position! Woo
hoo!
And now, hereʼs a round-up of all
my most favouritest Womble-based
gossip from the last season for ya!
• If we learned anything this
season, itʼs that weʼre way better
than Danny Kedwellʼs Gillingham, yet
horribly worse than Northampton.
• We also learned that the key to a
strong defence is signing eight new
midfielders and three non-league
strikers. Yep. Thatʼll help shore things
up at the back!
• Speaking of which, after
contracting malaria during a
If a stadium in Wimbledon proves not to be possible at this time and there is no specific proposition somewhere else in Merton to concentrate
minds, what happens next? The questions then
will not just be fundamental, they will be uncomfortable and the answers may well be even
more uncomfortable. Uncomfortable not least
because there are those who would not contemplate a future anywhere other than Merton. It is
as if they see this as the Wimbledon version of
heresy and will vigorously resist such a thing
happening. One suspects that of those that hold
these views, some are in a position of influence
(and I don’t mean just as members of the Dons’
Trust). Some have even gone as far as to say
they would rather abandon the club than face a
future outside Merton. Even with sites in Merton, one can envisage arguments over which
parts of Merton would be acceptable and which
would not. Some parts of Merton are further
from Wimbledon than Kingsmeadow.
What has been achieved so far by AFC Wimbledon has been achieved by a group of people
largely united in their aims and the means to
achieve those aims. A divided fanbase would
make everything about running the club more
difficult. Would it be sensationalist to suggest
that the schism caused by not having a future
for the club in Merton could be extremely
damaging, possibly fatal? It could certainly all
get very nasty and lead to a large degree of infighting and unpleasantness, with repercussions
that are difficult to contemplate now and would
be difficult to manage then. But would it? Sadly
it seems, there would be those who would give
up on the club. There would be those who
would rather stay at an undeveloped Kingsmeadow whilst retaining a stated ambition of
returning to Merton at some undefined point in
the future. And there would be those who would
then accept working with Kingston Council to
achieve a solution either by totally redeveloping
the Kingsmeadow site or moving elsewhere in
Kingston. The challenge would be in bringing
these very different opinions to a solution that
for many would not be ideal.
It is increasingly obvious that Kingsmeadow
in its present form is not fit for a lasting and
progressive future in league football. For many,
Kingsmeadow has never and will never, be
truly ‘our’ ground. Its limitations will increasingly hinder the development of the club in
many ways.
Any new stadium would be
a minimum of five years away, possibly longer.
Something really needs to be done now. Although the fact is, something is being done now.
The redevelopment of the Kingston Road end
will have started before the end of this season
and Football League requirements will ensure
some sort of redevelopment of the East Terrace
will need to be undertaken during the next close
season. But of course this redevelopment is another source of anguish to some because it can
be seen as an argument for not needing to find a
new site at all.
In the event of having no immediate way forward in Wimbledon or Merton, how bad would
it actually be to stay at Kingsmeadow? Is it
really that far from the promised land? Kingsmeadow is just over four miles, as the crow
flies, from Plough Lane. Brighton fans were (in
the end) delighted to move a similar distance
from the old Goldstone Ground to Falmer.
Chelsea are reportedly planning to move two
miles to Battersea. Crystal Palace play in South
Norwood, Millwall play in Bermondsey, QPR
play in Shepherds Bush and there are other
examples.
But of course, what other clubs do or have done
is not the point. We have to find the right solution for AFC Wimbledon. In the Dons’ Trust
we have the mechanisms to ensure one person’s
view or even that of an influential minority
cannot dictate. What is clear however, is that
the biggest challenges for AFC Wimbledon
(certainly off the pitch) are still to come. There
will be problems enough if a viable site is found
in Wimbledon. But how wonderful it would be
if the only question we had to answer now was,
‘How are we going to pay for our new stadium
in Wimbledon?’ COYD! - by Grumpydon
HOPE AKPAN’S YOUNG FAMILY MEMBER’S NON HOMOPHOBIC TWEETS
Cigarettes are like hamsters. They look
harmless until you put them in your mouth
and start them on fire!!
BBC LKOSE posted a message on
Twitter & Old Centrals looking for a
AFC Wimbledon fan as a participant
in a ‘Come Dine with me’ type item
on the show.
Crucially the experience meant giving up the Crawley away game but
following many unhappy visits to
Crawley I thought I could do it.
Having sprung the content of the
show on me they also suggested
because of my obvious cooking prowess that I entertain the West Ham fan
& Wycombe fan to tea & cake at my
house.
Opting for my favourite lemon drizzle
I came a cropper when Nick (West
Ham) announced he was allergic to
Lemon!
The Burton game was wonderful, the
sun shone (remember that) & the
team responded with a fine 4-0 victory with West Ham loanee George
Moncur scoring (while Nick was in
the Gents).
Fans locked into a somewhat nervous
energy through 90% of the game
failed to lift the stadium with wonderful singing & chanting (unlike
Wycombe) & that I fear is the only
reason I failed to lift the trophy.
Did I appear to be slightly nutty? Of
course but without the comedic interaction the show is not that interesting
but rest assured I am a typical over
educated (two degrees), overpaid Afc
Wimbledon shareholder & season
ticket holder!
Anita Gibbons @happywombelle
gimes at Wimbledon FC (and don’t we know all
about those) has there ever been an obviously
achievable solution to the where? question in
Wimbledon? Apart that is from developing the
old Plough Lane Stadium site. But that was
never an option for Hamman. And although the
WISA commissioned plans showed that a relatively modest but sustainable new stadium was
possible there, the Norwegians had other ideas.
Now, of course, the new residential development makes that impossible.
It was a brave new dawn. A time for
rejoicing and celebration. Things
looked as if they couldn’t get any better. Then from nowhere (well around
October) a dark shadow was cast
over our heroes. It became a time of
desperate need. Which heroes, past
or present would save us and give us
new hope for the future.....
So who have been the villains, in our
quest to stay amongst the 92 Elite?
And, who indeed have saved us from
a fate worse than Gateshead away on
a cold February Tuesday night?
Ok basically, what I’m getting at is
which of the current playing staff has
done enough to land a contract for
next year, and who should be cast
aside and return to the land of Conference Football (probably).
So a couple of those have already
been tied down to long contracts, but
surely the rest should survive any cull
during the summer. Keeping hold
of Jack Midson and Sammy Moore
could prove hard but they should be
the first priority when the manager
sits down and drafts his list of players
for next year. In fact the spine is there
if you add Brown and MMK.
CAMEOS
Luke Moore, Jolley, Bush, Yussuff
Had Jolley not been out injured for a
spell we may not have panicked into
buying a new strike force to get ourselves out of trouble, Moore gained
an uncanny knack of scoring when it
looked like he was a lost cause and
therefore salvaged something for himself late in the season, the same could
be said of Toks.
HEROES
Seb Brown, Gwillim, Hatton, Midson, VILLAINS
Stuart, Johnson, Wellard, Djilali,
Sammy Moore. Mitchel-King, KierTurner
nan, Harrison, Prior, McNaughton
It has all gone very quiet on news about a new
stadium. Although to be honest, it has not just
gone quiet recently. There has been little in the
way of a meaningful update for a long time.
In the Tamworth programme on 20 April 2010,
Erik was able to report, ‘If all goes well we
might be making a planning application sometime late in 2011 – but note the ‘if’ again.’
Towards the tail end of last season we were led
to believe that we hoped to have some concrete
news over the summer of 2011. But by 06 April
2012, Erik was only able to say, ‘We are about
to appoint advisors to carry out an independent
review of our progress to date and help us formulate the best way forward.’
Oh dear! What, at one time, had seemed like
three possible sites had been narrowed down to
one preferred site, now seems according to that
latest statement to mean that we are not going to
be able to proceed with any of those three sites.
And more ominously, that there is no obvious
way forward at this time.
Realistically, we have to believe that Erik and
the Stadium Working Group are doing all that
they can. It is understandable that for very good
business reasons it is impossible to reveal too
much. If a potential site was made public, other
parties would look at ways to seize a commercial advantage to the detriment of our plans.
Everything has to be played close to the chest
and inevitably, this is very frustrating for us
who want positive news and to be able to think
and dream.
Should we be surprised at having reached an
impasse? Whatever the motives of previous re-
Should we be surprised at having reached an
impasse if Merton Council are involved? Given
their track record, we have to be suspicious of
their seeming enthusiasm to help find a site in
the borough. Politicians always have at least
one eye on electoral advantage. There is very
little about a new football stadium that is going
to appeal to many voters. Any hint of a new
stadium and there are going to be plenty of unhappy resident voters, and local politicians are
not going to ignore that. The reported silence
of Andrew Judge at the planning committee
meeting with regard to Imperial Fields ten
years ago, just increases suspicions of Merton
Borough Council motives. And don’t mention
Joseph Hood. That Imperial Fields is now seen
by some as a lucky escape on our part, only
highlights possible future tensions within AFC
Wimbledon..
So where does that leave us? If we really are at
the stage of having to pay advisors to suggest
what to do next, things must be desperate.
If there is no obvious way forward, we will
have some (dare I use the word) fundamental
questions to ask if faced with a reality of not
being able to return to Wimbledon. Questions
that we hoped we would not have to ask except
in some ‘it’s not really going to happen’ abstract
way, because somehow a site in Wimbledon
would miraculously appear to save us from the
hard decisions.
The survey commissioned by the Dons’ Trust
came to some, perhaps not unsurprising, conclusions. Most fans would prefer a new stadium
in Wimbledon. Working to find a site somewhere else in Merton was popular. Working
with Kingston Council was less popular as was
remaining at Kingsmeadow. The bottom line for
most was remaining fan owned.
Will DUD bring a sugardaddy to the table?
When the going got tough this group
was found to be AWOL. Not much
good when you’re in a fight. It may
be harsh on a couple of them but
when given the chance to earn a place
to stand with the others on the frontline they let us down, and we can’t
afford to carry anyone in the future.
We of course cannot forget the
Avenging forces of Knott and Moncur. Our gratitude runs deep to these
warriors.
Will the club reveal why they kept the
Wombelles “dry” before the match they
sponsored v Rotherham-was it an attempt to save their kidneys or so that
they didn’t join in with the half time
Zumba??
Will the gimps provide a 30 second
warning before a post is displayed
from thegingerGIANT so that we
can grab our Ray bans??
We need to know! And fear not,
WELCOME TO THE HELLERDOME will keep our ears to the
ground and our eyes off thegingerGIANT’s tag to find out for you!
This summer, once again will see
change. How much, depends on how
generous the playing budget will be
and how much money can be freed
up from other sources.
I hope we don’t have to sell to raise
funds for new players. Of course this
decision may not be in the hands of
our current manager, although if he
still wants the job I do believe it’s
his.
We have (or rather will have) a new
stand to fill. Progress continues and
will always do so, some of the above
players may not be around to see it.
We Thank You for your efforts in getting us this far in the journey.
GAZZA
Next month, “Raising the bar” Mr. Har-don looks to the latest selection of
club shop stimulants and under the counter alternatives, Season Tickets are
debated by two ‘day release’ patients, and a Brazilian looks backwards to
going forwards with a 1-2-7 formation.
“Oh so let’s blame Jolley”
In a recent somewhat attempt at explaining the shortcomings of the current
campaign our Great Emperor decreed
that Legionnaire Jolley is to be summoned before the Senate to address
why only 7 Lions have been killed
instead of the expected 234. (Hounslow
Chroniclus 25th 04-2012) Citizens of
the Cherry amphitheatre have often
been puzzled why Legionnaire Jolley
had mostly been ordered to roam aimlessly in the deserted forbidden zone,
for the latter half of the campaign. He
now hopes that the Emperor will have
a change of heart, following the loss of
his favourite Bassey sonnet. (Shirley,
not the other one) Diamonds... (Keep
up please).
Legionnaire Jolley, who has not stated
in his defence, that his notable slaying
of Portus Vale along with several other
crucial thrusts prevented the Emperor
from being thrown to the Lions himself.
Therefore we (or I) decree that Legionnaire Jolley could in no way be blamed
for the demise, at times of the current
campaign.
Please note some Characters are fictitious any reference to Simon Bassey
being related to a respected Dame is
purely coincidental (but funny).
HOPE AKPAN’S YOUNG FAMILY MEMBER’S NON HOMOPHOBIC TWEETS
Don’t make fun of a fat guy with a lisp.
He’s probably thick and tired of it
the fat neanderthal envelope-licker now at
Rotherham, who have since announced their
new Sponsors for the upcoming season as
Ginsters Pasties and Rimmel of London,
there is a mood of reconciliation from Gatwick FC.
Being unemployed gives you a lot of free time.
Fact. How you spend that time is up to you.
And if you’re an 18-year-old dickhead who
likes drinking and football, it’s a given that you
will do nothing productive.
Unless wanking, drinking, FIFA, and playing
guitar is productive. Guitar maybe, but probably
not when you just play ‘Tommy Gun’ over and
over again.
And that’s what my life is at the moment. No
money to go out, so I just do shit all and wait
for my flatmates to get in.
Of course I apply for jobs and stuff like that, but
with the market for a budding sport journalist
not being that great at the moment, everything’s
a bit…well, a bit ‘slim pickings’.
But I think the main reason for unemployment
in men at the moment, bar lack of jobs, has to
be FIFA. Which is possibly the greatest thing to
have ever been made. Ever. Bar Jack Midson’s
hair of course, which is magnificent, and any
Wimbledon fan who says otherwise is either a)
a dick, or b) an even bigger dick. Or jealous and
bald. Don’t act like you’re not impressed.
Yes, what FIFA is to young lads like me (and indeed lads of any age) is what a line of cocaine is
to Kerry Katona. Addictive, fucking awesome,
and detrimental to your health.
FIFA will distract you from doing anything
productive, or anything in general. Ipso facto,
you’ll sacrifice a day of applying for jobs to
beat some little twat on Xbox Live 5-0.
And you know what’s made FIFA’s allure
even worse this year? The introduction of our
beloved team onto its hallowed disc.
I have wasted so many hours attempting to
score 30-yard thunderbolts with Chris Bush,
overhead kicks with Mat Mitchel-King and
accurate passes with the legend that is Sammy
Hatton that I wouldn’t be surprised if at the next
game I attend, when one of our lads gets within
shooting distance, I repeatedly shout “B! B! B!
Press B now, or hold it with RB to finesse it!”
I have flown the flag for Wimbledon online as
well, seeing off other players who prefer using
Barcelona, Real, United, Citeh or Chelski to
overcome them 3-1 through the medium of Jack
Midson’s computer-generated right boot.
I am so enchanted with the latest FIFA that
within minutes of Terry signing Jason Prior a
few months back, I went to create him on the
Create A Player mode.
Some of you reading this will say either of
two things. “This lad needs to get a life” or “I
totally understand what he’s talking about”.
Chances are, the latter will be uttered by a man
and the former uttered by a woman. But before
someone calls the sexism police I ask women of
Wimbledon this: how many times have you had
to tell your boyfriend/husband to stop playing
FIFA to get him to pay some attention to you?
Exactly.
So, FIFA – good or bad? Fucking good actually,
even it does make me unemployed for a little
while longer. And playing as Wimbledon makes
it that little-bit better.
In the words of Ron Burgundy, it’s “neato,
gang!” Come on you (virtual and human) Dons!
By Sharif Does Like It
In a magnanimous gesture, Gatwick
ask Jason “the Messiah” Prior whether
Misery Akpan the “Bedpan” can play
and if so what punishment Gatwick
should administer. The Messiah,
(trademark courtesy of bb74) sets the
terms: Akpan the Bedpan has to wear
a tutu to play in the game and read out
the following statement before kick off:
“I am a mammy’s boy. Me tackle on The Messiah was so shit because I is shit.
I twitter cause I is a homophobic dickhead, even if it was mi lickle brother wot
dun it, honest. I have changed me name by deed poll from Hope to Misery.
The Messiah can keep me car and I will walk back home to Gatwick sucking
my thumb with ‘I Am A Bellend’ written on the back of me tracksuit top”.
Cheshire Womble kindly agrees to sponsor the tracksuit.
Questions remain, though:
for instance over the coming months, during pre-season…..
Will the former Politburo/secret guestbook look to infiltrate the Sixty Niner’s?
HOPE AKPAN’S YOUNG FAMILY MEMBER’S NON HOMOPHOBIC TWEETS
I often put laxatives in my dishwasher to
help relax my bowls.
The Hellerdome’s new postcode is
SW69.
Avram’s Angels are delighted!
However, the Dons Trust Board resigns
en masse!
Half of the Dons Trust Members
marvel at the deal that Ivor and
Erik have pulled off; the other half
incensed that they were not allowed
to form a committee and 8 subcommittees to decide whether or
not to raise a motion in support or
against the board having meetings in The Peel.
Meanwhile, The Womble Underground Press seizes the opportunity for
governance of the club and immediately launches the club’s new Supporters’
police force, The Sixty Niners.
In August: Crawley confirm that they
will be the opposition for the Dons at
a pre-season friendly for the opening
of the marvellous Hellerdrome. With
THIS PAGE SPONSORED BY
HATE THE FRANCHISE AND WANT A NEW WORD TO USE AGAINST THEM? CALL..
STEVE NUTTALL - CHESHIRE WOMBLE
i am starting to get really pissed off about the
DTB, so here’s my contribution in case u are
interested in it:
expresses great support for him and gets him
great exposure! But: in reality the DT members
have not been asked about it.
The ticket prices are object to increase next season and in this context the DTB recommended
to vote against a proposal to get all future price
increases approved by the DT members. U might
disregard my opinion as I am a foreigner and not
a natural Wimbledon fan (I’m German and yes, u
won the war). But I still want to adress it:
I don’t see any reason to not establish this kind
of approval for the really big issues, such as ticket
prices and the name of the ground. Don’t get me
wrong. Of course it should not be on myself or
any other idiot to vote for/against contracting
player xy (as long as he doesn’t join from Franchise). And don’t get me wrong with that Premier
League shit. Everyone should be welcome, don’t
tell anyone to fuck off. But do u actively want
to attract my colleagues? See your love playing
in the top-flight but also see your love slipping
over into their hands? Hey, no worries, u can still
join John, James and Jamal in your local pub.
They support Chelsea, Arsenal and Tottenham,
slow-drinking a pint each half and they will be
happy to get a new mate. BTW: The folks u see
on the big screen are my colleages. They don’t
care about your club. But they really enjoy being
there. Check it on Facebook!
I do have some British colleagues whilst most of
them are folks from all across Europe. They “are
into football”, means they attend Premier League
games, in many cases without even supporting one of the clubs participating. They’re there
for the event,for the prestige, to post pics on
Facebook and make their friends jealous. Actually my employer holds season tickets for 2 clubs
and gives them away in a draw before the home
games. I tell my colleagues they’re the reason
traditional fans are being locked out from what
they love and that they should feel ashamed
about that. They don’t listen. Some don’t even
have a clue what I’m talking about, the rest just
doesn’t care.
It’s obvious that the DTB and anyone involved
in the AFCW aim to progress, to become even
more successful. In fact it wouldn’t make sense to
support a club and give a shit about the results
on the pitch at the same time. BUT: NOT UNDER
ANY TERMS!
Yes, success is important but not the only thing
that matters. Football is also about passion,
about identity. And, if u call yourself the Fans’
club, any fundamental decisions, any matters
concerning the club’s inner identity should approved by the DT members.
If the members want the ticket prices to be
increased? Fair enough! If they want to sell the
ground’s name to a sponsor? Sure, go for it. The
sponsor will be even happier as that decision
I am not sure what the DTB wants the fans to decide about. The colour of next season’s away kit?
I am not sure wether the DTB fully understands
the fact people are scared of modern football.
And fuck yes, the AFCW fans have a very valid
reason to be scared, already forgot about that
“issue” some years ago?
It’s called the fans’ club. The fans own the club,
the fans set the terms. With it’s recommendation
to vote against the proposal the DTB expresses
to be scared of the fans’ opinion. Doesn’t trust
the DT members. That’s not acceptable and I
think my point is quite clear: If u don’t want the
fans to decide about the club’s identity please
don’t call it the fans’ club anymore.
cheers
cody/daniel
turns out that Avram’s Angels will not only sponsor the club, but offer to add
£3k per week, cash, to the playing budget.
…Hero or Villain?
Having had nine years of generally winning
far more games than we lost, this season has
still come as a bit of a shock to most of us.
This is even after predictions on the forums
suggesting we would be around this position.
Indeed within my group of five people, who
gave their preseason scores, our average was
that we would end up 16th with 54 points.
Newly promoted teams from the Conference
have generally had no problem with League
two but then most have had bigger budgets
and often more League experience. Where
the real shock, surprise and frustration has
come is the almost record like number of
goals that we have just given away. As a regular viewer of the League Show I expected to
see people rifling in shots into the top corner
from 40 yards or 4-5 player passing moves
with the ball caressed into the net. As it has
happened we really have seen very few really
good, unstoppable goals against us but as I
say suddenly someone and indeed everyone
has made an almighty cock up at some point.
I don’t anyone could understand quite why
we gifted 60-70% of the goals to the opposition. Let’s be honest we would have let a
stack more in without having had our woodwork hit more than any other team and the
clear POTY Sammy Moore player week after
blinders just in front of the defence.
So what was the problem? Last year I voted
for Brett as POTY even though he only
played half the season and was looking
forward to seeing him grow in League two.
So who was this guy whose woeful back
pass and handball gave Bristol Rovers three
points on the first day. Who also watched the
ball amble past him for Billy Kee to score
at Burton and when playing with Callum at
Swindon (surely the most bloody miserable
performance of the season) looked like he
had never played in the middle before. He is
not alone and I don’t want to vilify players
here but the goals at Crewe, the marking at
home to Aldershot, Callum’s nightmare at
Torquay when we were probably the better
side are just basically the tip of a bloody big
iceberg.
Was the fact that Seb, great shot stopper
though he is, is as vocal and dominant in the
box as a bag of spinach or Terry desperately
trying to show he had nurtured the next
Barcelona by insisting that we play endless sideways passes at the back come what
may? Well a couple of months ago someone seemed to get a Eureka moment on the
Guestbook and put the whole bloody lot on
the doorstep of Jamie Stuart. Interestingly the
board others joined in to say what a disgrace
he was and was basically responsible for all
the ills in the world today. Fortunately others
reassured them how misguided they were.
Even recently when there is the discussing
of who is leaving this summer there is this
hammering of GONE Jamie Stuart as if he
had committed some heinous crime and our
defence was so damned good that it was a
disgrace he was keeping out all this other
talent we have.
Out of sheer amazement I kept asking people
quite why they thought he was so awful and
generally no one came up with anything
even vaguely convincing. The few submitted responses were firstly he was too slow.
He is coming to the end of his career and last
season I thought would be his swansong and
In July: After hundreds of late night meetings sweating
over the Chivas Regal and plenty of stogies in the back
room of The Peel (back door, left just past the fruit machine, by the gents), Ivor and Erik announce their solution
to the “Back to Merton” agenda.:
“It’s done. Lets be honest, stop kidding ourselves. There will be no £15 million stadium in Wimbledon. The land would cost £5 million, and no fucking
supermarket, hotel chain, Nando’s or Avram’s Angels is gonna stump up £20
million, they’ll simply build what they want without subsidising us.” confirms
Ivor.
“But we have the solution” confirms
Erik. “As of the 1st of July the administrative boundaries of Merton will
change. The footprint of The Hellerdrome will now be within the Borough
of Merton. We are going home. Kingstonians can fuck off.
Their constitution does not allow them to
play outside the boundaries of the Borough of Kingston. So to that gobby twat
on the K’s message board, you need to
find a new home.
And you can take your red Lidl seats
covered with pikey pigeon shit with you,
my friend.”
In May: When the season ends, the Secret
Guestbook Trabant will take those responsible for Grant’s appointment to Tu7or’s
Correctional Facility just off the A3 near
Guildford...
In June: Overnight a temporary Stalag appears
in the car park and a resplendent looking Jamie
Stewart, complete with baseball bat and bull
terrier, guards the entrance:
finally bringing to an end WUP’s long-running
“Where’s Jamie” competition.
Meanwhile, that same month,
Grant has opened a massage parlour. Above the door is a beautiful
sign, designed by D2E, “Avram’s
Angels”:
“It’s for use by all of those in the
Kingston community.” comments
Avram.
The SGB goes into meltdown and summons the Board to
the tap room at Fullers Brewery for a meeting. Surprisingly,
the Board - even after a few slaps with a leather glove - announces that Avram will not be stepping down. In fact, it
that would be it. He often had rushes of blood
then and was not the quickest. I have been
amazed how well he has done this year and in
terms of pace I am not sure too many of our
other numerous defenders who would even
win the mascot race. I must make it clear I
do not include Pim in any of this as he was a
class act and with him all season, we would
have been near the play offs. Up to Pim’s
arrival I thought Mat was very far short of
convincing, always looking as if he was at
full stretch with simplest of tasks and as for
his pass across the box at Crewe....
It was also said he shouted a lot at other
players!! Well I have not noticed that and my
God shouting would be the least I would have
expected from a captain with our execrable
defending at times. Sammy Hatton did alright, this year, I thought but we all know his
body language where he looks like he could
not give a toss or when he is 20 yards out of
position. Great! Shout at him, the more better.
So often we need a firework in the nether regions. How feeble are we that we do not want
to see a strong captain? The Man. Utd. teams
of the 1990s were full of the biggest shouters
and most aggressive players and they won
just about everything. If we had not been
lumbered with Sven and Beckham in 2006
whispering their way through the tournament
then the players might have been a bit more
active.
The ammunition that has been presented like
some fait accompli was that when he was out
in January we won three games on the trot.
The win at Port vale was as much down to
Billy Knott’s incredible enthusiasm in that
game. The defending at Gillingham was woeful and Macclesfield were very much on the
slide and lets face we did let in five goals in
those games.
I would concede he has been caught a few
times, pace, out of position but compared
with the rest of the defence these were very
minor indiscretions.
No, he has been way and away the best
defender this year. He is certainly the most
comfortable on the ball and the best passer
from defence. His performance in not giving
Danny even a kick last October was the best
defensive performance I have seen from the
club. He had memorable games at Dagenham, Aldershot, Bristol Rovers, Cheltenham,
Crawley, Torquay etc. Often the last ditch
tackle and almost Tony Adams like in his determination he was a sound leader and it is of
no surprise that in the on line MOTM voting
he managed 7 MOTM decisions and the rest
of the defence, sauf Pim, got 9 between the
eight of the them.
He is not prefect but he would always my
first defender on the sheet. I am beginning
to wonder, apart from why the hell all the
invective but just how many people actually
do dislike him. I have never heard his name
booed at any time and he is the only defender
to have had a song made up for him this year.
Today will almost certainly be his last game
for the club and I hope he gets the send off he
deserves.
Maybe not a hero to all but certainly not a
villain and certainly not deserving of the sort
of rubbish and totally undeserving negativity that appeared on the guestbook. In fact
I would go as far as to say that some fans
might like to be careful what they wish for
because next year defensively we could look
even more rudderless and mute.
Ric Braz
WUP Crossword No.22
By Terry Brown’s Anally Wordy Eel Bum
ACROSS
1 Defender bites ankle – goes berserk
(10)
7 Called about Tintin half-cut and
mouthing off (7)
9 Rotten gutless Arsenal have guts! (5)
10 Brown’s last ever change took guts
(5)
11 Postage is scrapped by the Secret
Police (7)
12 Put home in strange place, part of the
union (6)
13 Opponent regularly gets cut (6)
16 E.g. Dire Straits (7)
19 Cock-up in terrorist plot (5)
22 Flashes without
top on, of course (5)
23 Intended triallist
to follow map (7)
24 Fans’ group swallow cum on end of
willy – rival organ!
(4,3,3)
DOWN
1 Striker next to
Atkinson (5)
2 Worn by Evans on
3 for cruising (5)
3 Bad judgement is a
curse (4,3)
4 Scunthorpe’s clubs
(5)
5 Pointless Don and
louts are out of order
– no seats left (4,3)
6 Rancid at the front of a dyke (4)
8 Lady stood up is a joke (4)
12 Opponents are extremely edgy after
pub trip (7)
14 Get girl in time, nothing special (7)
15 Immediately starts to abhor shit and
piss (4)
17 Little’s former shirt sponsor (4)
18 Foreign food gives us hiccups internally (5)
20 Managed our tenants’ defences (5)
21 Redhead and topless friend are redfaced (5)
THOSE POST-SEASON CHANGES IN FULL
This series of articles was formerly known as
WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING AT KINGSMEADOW: aka WTFHAK!
But, thanks to our new corporate sponsor,
Situated just off the A3, somewhere near
Guildford.
Need ‘something’ stored? Temporarily or
more permanently? Then I’m your man! No
questions asked!
we hold it FOR YOU SO YOU CAN USE YOUR
HANDS FOR SOMETHING ELSE
we are proud to announce that we are now…..
“WELCOME TO THE HELLERDROME!”
Late April was a busy time., with Director of Youth and Community, Avram
Grant confessing that he actually knows
fuck all about football and he is a “football fraud”.
The AFCW PLC Board and Dons
Trust are shocked, but the Guestbook
and the fans simply say “I told you
so”.
The club, to save face, simply moves Grant
sideways to save face and announces that
“Avram has so much to offer the community”.
jinxed again as they fell 4-3 AET to London
Corinthians. October ended with a resounding
5-0 win v the doomed Borehamwood team
(Record Expunged – both wins removed from
results as Borehamwood Ladies folded)
November started with local derbies with
Away win v Wandgas (Worcester Park) and
a draw away v Panthers (Colliers Wood).
Then in the Surrey County Cup AFCWL
visited Crawley Wasps reserves and scored a
resounding 8-0 victory – with Striker Chanel
Richards scoring 4 goals in the second
half after coming on as a substitute in the
53rd minute (the first within 50 seconds of
coming on & 3 Goals in 7 minutes). Buoyed
with confidence, a 4-0 drumming of East
Preston at home followed.
December saw only 2 matches with a 3-2 loss
at Home v Westfield & a 1-1 Home draw v
Panthers.
The New Year saw Tony Milstead having
his 1st anniversary in charge of the team and
started with AFCWL having an extended
break, then on 15th January a visit to former
CCL Rivals Farnham Town where AFCWL
won their Quarter Final match in the Surrey
Women’s Cup 0-1. Eastbourne and Denham
then visited AFCWL and both went home
after 1-0 Wimbledon wins.
February started with postponements as the
weather took its toll to the League Fixtures
and this break did Wimbledon no favours
as AFCWL fell at Home 1-3 to Fulham
Compton in the Semi Final of the Surrey
Women’s Cup. The month ended with a 2-2
draw away at Hemel Hempstead.
March opened with Wimbledon hosting
Hemel Hempstead in the only League match
to survive another sharp break in conditions,
AFCWL lost 1-3. Then followed a visit to
Westfield and another former CCL ground
AFCWL won the match 1-2. A rare treble win
v opposition followed as AFCWL defeated
East Preston for the 3rd time of the season
1-2 as they visited the south coast. The month
ended with a comfortable Home win 2-0 v
Maidstone. This also ensured that Wimbledon
Ladies had gained more points this season
than the last 2 seasons COMBINED, and
ensured a mid-table finish.
April saw the season draw to a close and
two losses, 0-2 at home v Crawley Wasps
and a narrow 2-3 fall v League Champions,
Chichester City!
OVERALL the team has started to evolve
and given an expected influx of new; younger
players the team should be pushing for
promotion in 2012-13. Tony Milstead has
stated that he is willing to continue working
with us and we are to restart a Reserves Team
for the 2012-13 season, to enable further
development, provide a stepping stone for
players returning from injury and to gain
promotion in the near future.
Overview from Girls section!
U10 Girls in their 1st season have finished
3rd in the League and managed to reach the
Semi Finals of the County Cup!
U11 Girls finished mid table
U12 Girls in their 2nd season won their
League at a canter
U13 Girls finished 4th in their League.
U15 Girls finished 4th in their League & Won
the final of the Surrey County Women’s &
Girls League Cup
U16 Girls also in only their 2nd season, Won
their League.
U18 Yellow Team (Mainly U17 team) were
5th in the League
& U18 Blue team finished 3rd in the league
and gained extra experience by competing
in the Surrey Women’s Cup where they met
Crystal Palace Ladies (defending Champions
and eventual semi-finalists 2011-12) in the
1st round.
by jh
John Terry has cracked 2
ribs and is struggling to
breathe during games. Quick,
play him some more! It
seems rapid movement and
intense pressure in his body
is causing the problem. No
doubt his wife is delighted,
as this will decrease the
chances of him shagging
other women. The good news
is he’s fit for Barcelona. Not
the Champions League semifinal, but Frank Lampard’s
stag do in the summer during
the Euro’s.
Wayne Rooney’s hooker
Jenny Thompson has been at
it again, this time shagging
Italian idiot Mario Balotelli.
Won’t be the first time that
City come 2nd to Utd, will
it? Apparently Mario was
fascinated by her trysts with
Wayne, asking about it all the
time while he was fucking
her. Well, I couldn’t think of
a better way to stop me from
shooting my load. Thompson
has said that they practiced
safe sex, which meant that
Balotelli wore a condom,
didn’t give her his phone
number and, because she’d
had sex with Rooney, also
demanded she be checked
out for rabies. Incredibly,
the serial football fucker
was soon back in the papers
revealing that she’d also
shagged a dwarf. Imagine
my shock when it turned
out not to be Shaun WrightPhillips. Oompa Loompa
Josh Bennett’s neighbours
said that they heard moaning
and groaning for over 3
hours upon Jenny’s visit.
This wasn’t due to an intense
sex session, it just takes him
that long to struggle on to
the bed. Dopey Jenny was
Grumpy when the midget
sold his story, in which he
explained how Happy he was
as he stood over her Sleepy
body while he got his Doc
out and had a Bashful. Fuck
knows how I work ‘Sneezy’
into that...
Cheryl Cole is to drop the
‘Cole’ from her name in a
desperate bid to sell more
records. When is she going to
realise that no matter if she’s
Cheryl Cole, Cheryl Tweedy
or just plain old Cheryl,
people still won’t buy her
records because they are
shit. Normally record sales
improve when a recording
artist dies, but I don’t even
think that would help her out.
Still, I’d like to see her test
that theory…
Titanic 3D has been released
in cinemas. That means I’m
going to have to sit through
3 whole hours of absolute
bollocks in order to see the
one good thing about the
entire movie: Kate Winslet’s
tits popping out of the screen.
People are commenting on
how, even now, they still cry
when they leave the cinema
after watching the film. I cry
when I see how much they
charge for a Pepsi & a packet
of M&M’s. And I’ll fucking
bawl my eyes out if my
girlfriend asks me to take her
to see it again.
An 87 year old granny has
been hit with an ASBO for
blasting out Glenn Miller
& Frank Sinatra songs. Her
daughter has angrily reacted
to the news by saying ‘It
was obvious she needed
help’. You think she needed
help? Try living in my
house, where the neighbours
constantly play N-Dubz &
Lily Allen songs. They don’t
need an ASBO; I need a
bullet.
While we’re on the subject of
Lily Allen, why do so many
blokes think that she is sexy?
I think she’s fucking horrible.
Seriously, she has the body
of a 12 year old boy, and
they’re no fun to shag. Trust
me.
My brother has got himself a
new girlfriend. My dad was
shocked he asked me what
my brother’s bird was like.
I said ‘She’s really nice, but
she’s heavily tattooed!’. He
said ‘Really? What tattoos
has she got?’ I replied ‘Well,
she has an angel on her back,
a dolphin on her neck, a
butterfly on her ankle and,
because she’s dating my
brother, a cunt on her arm.’
A new web craze has swept
the world in which people
are posting images of badly
sun-burnt holiday-makers.
A friend of mine told me
about one of the websites,
informing me that ‘you
can post up any pictures of
people that are burnt!’. So
imagine my dismay when I
was quickly booted off the
site after I posted images of
Jade Goody’s cremation.
Simon Cowell has told of
his love affair with Dannii
Minogue. It certainly
explains how she managed
to get a job judging others
on their singing ability. I
imagine that being told you
can’t sing by Dannii is akin
to being told that you’re
not a very good mother by
Karen Matthews. Sharon
Osbourne has said that
she thought Dannii was
‘dumb’, which is probably
what drove Cowell to play
his most perverted game of
‘Simon Says’ since he told
Sinitta he could make her a
star. He himself described
Dannii as ‘often gloomy’,
which you can understand
as not many people would
be happy at having to shag
a midget in order to keep
their job. Cowell told how he
fantasised over Cheryl Cole.
I fantasise about her too, but
normally over how she dies.
He also once wished that he
could bed Tulisa, but was put
off once he saw how shit she
was at giving head.
Former EastEnders actress
Natalie Cassidy has battled
weight problems over the
last few years in her quest
for love. She was quite large,
then lost loads of weight
and had a fantastic figure,
then put all the weight back
on again. She said that in
the end she felt that her
size didn’t matter. And of
course it didn’t, because no
matter what happened with
her body, her face was still
fucking minging. Critics give
Natalie a hard time simply
because of the way that she
looks. I however, think that
she is a fantastic role model
for all down-syndrome
sufferers that wish to get into
acting.
Jermaine Defoe has cheated
on pop star girlfriend
Alexandra Burke. Can’t say
I’m that surprised. Surely
it was only a matter of time
before he realised that he was
dating a woman that looked
like John Fashanu in a wig.
Scummy Chelsea
‘supporters’ have caused yet
more controversy during
their FA Cup Semi-Final
against Tottenham Hotspur,
this time by booing during
the minute’s silence in
respect of those that died in
the Hillsborough disaster of
1989. I didn’t hear anything.
Mind you, I would’ve done if
they’d have managed to sell
their ticket allocation. Spurs
fans have been ridiculed for
leaving early and allowing
Wembley to look half empty
with ten minutes to go. I
actually just think that they
were trying to level up the
numbers with the opposing
fans. Chelsea FC have
released a statement saying
that they will study video
evidence of fans booing
during the minute’s silence
and will soon take action.
Shouldn’t take that long
really, as there were only
about 27 of them there.
Jessie J has been outed as a
lesbian. So I suppose now
we should really be calling
her Jessie Gay, right? A little
known fact about Jessie is
that from the age of 11 she
had a heart condition known
as Wolff-Parkinson-White
syndrome. She had a stroke
aged 18, but soon realised
that she much preferred
fingering so stuck with the
women.
The London Marathon was
on recently. This event is
normally quite boring but,
if you think about it, this
year’s race will actually be
quite a good rehearsal for
the city of London for when
Al-Qaeda bomb us during
the Olympics. A Kenyan won
the race. Just goes to show
you what a sip of water a day
and a healthy diet of flies
and beetles can do for your
athletic conditioning. I can’t
understand the fascination
with the marathon. If
watching a load of white
guys running behind a black
man really floats your boat,
then pop down to Brixton
any night of the week and fill
your boots.
Jodie Marsh has been
voted as having the 32nd
best bum in the UK. Just
think; If she could’ve got
just 4 more votes then she
would’ve finished above
Stacy Solomon’s face. Stacy
Solomon...I can’t stand her.
She is one ugly woman, isn’t
she? Her mouth is a disgrace.
She has about 57 teeth for
a start! She looks like the
resulting lovechild of a bad
sexual experiment between
Janet Street-Porter and a
horse. People might think
I’m just being a bit mean,
but I’ll be honest, if she got
down on her knees in front
of me and opened her mouth,
I wouldn’t know whether to
give it my cock or a fucking
sugar cube.
And finally...Why did the
MK Dons fan cross the road?
Because he was a cunt.
WUP sponsored the ladies
team during season 201112, and now we bring you
a summary of their season,
courtesy of Flying Jock..
The season commenced after a reprieve at
the London & South East Counties Women’s
Football League (LSERWFL) AGM in June,
where John Ivers (Secretary) had to plead
for leniency and for the League to retain
AFCWL in the Premier division, rather than
promoting the 2nd placed team from their
London Division 1. A vote was taken, and
by a majority of 1 vote (6 -5) AFCWL were
retained in the Premier division.
The Manager Tony Milstead had set out to
maintain league position, and possibly look
towards gaining a promotion.
An influx of several new players meant the
team looked somewhat different from the
team that had just avoided relegation.
Things did not get off to the best of starts in
August, as the 2011-12 season opened with
AFCWL visiting Maidstone Town, where
despite dominating, play finished with a
2-2 draw. Worse was to follow with a 8-1
thrashing away at Chichester City, this was
the only time the team were totally outplayed
at any time of the season. Matters were not
helped by the fact that AFCWL only had 10
players for the visit.
September saw the team have 1 win (3-2 A v
Borehamwood); 1 draw (1-1 H v Wandgas)
and 2 narrow losses (2-3 H v Crawley Wasps
& 3-2 A v Eastbourne).
In October the Women’s FA Cup started and
Wimbledon Ladies were drawn at Home v
East Preston Ladies (Another LSERWFLPremier Team). A 3-1 win saw AFCWL
progress in the competition. The poor League
form continued after a narrow 0-1 loss
away at Denham, where a Free Kick from
just outside the box flew past new Keeper
Leanne Knopp, just before Half Time. In
mid October, fortune saw AFCWL progress
in the Surrey Women’s Cup after Tooting
& Mitcham United Ladies Folded. After
the previous week’s bye, Imperial Fields
hosted AFCWL in the next round of the
Women’s FA Cup, but the Dons Ladies were