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Shady Dealer - Amazon Web Services
Volume 3 Issue 5
The Intentional Humor Publication of the University of Chicago
January 18, 2007
The Chicago Shady Dealer
Saddam Retires,
Plans to Spend More
Time with Family
By Harry Nangle
BAGHDAD - United States Commander General Arnold Sumpter announced this week that the notorious
dictator, Saddam Hussein, who mercilessly subdued, slaughtered, and decimated his own people with terrifying
efficiency and swiftness, has retired,
citing personal conflicts and a desire to
spend more time with his sons, Uday
and Qusay.
This news comes as a shock to many,
who had assumed that Hussein’s secular
dictatorship, while brutal and ruthless,
forced Iraq’s three main religious sects
to u n i te a s a s i n g l e n a t i o n . M r.
Hussein’s death-squads, torture chambers and rape rooms constituted a
general terror that brought Sunni, Shia,
and Kurdish Muslims together in their
tentative, desperate hopes to survive
for “just one more day”. So merciless
was Mr. Hussein’s violence that he even
had three of his sons-in-law murdered
in a paranoid rage. He plans to reconcile these conflicts in his retirement.
Other activities Mr. Hussein plans to
pursue in his new retirement include
gardening,
Continued on Page 8...
SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: CARRIER
HERPES, BOTULISM TOXIN, AND RICKETS
Clergicide... 2
So Ronery...3
Luther and Socrates...4-5
Sports...6
Hygiene... 7
Champions!!...8
OF
Grammar Nazis
Prööfrëįđ Semipoland
Vielefrontalkrieg Overwhelms Semipolish Forces with
Multiple Arrows, Dangling Modifiers
the attack, the
Semipolish capitals, S
and P. Most of the
countr y has already
been subjected to
Grammar Nazi rule,
with a few pockets of
emphatic irregulars
forming the basis for a
S e m i p o l i s h
Gerunderground. The
citizenr y have been
left voiceless, and
must remain passive
for fear of disjunction.
Still, resistance
appears substantive, as
many object to the
m o v e b y Gr a m m a r
Nazi troops to begin
rounding up all
second-person
pronouns. This is in
concordance with the
Invading forces cleverly diverted the Marginal Line by means of a
Grammar Nazi policy of
screen door insta"ed by the Semipolocs
eliminating the “you”s,
based on the superlative
By Patrick Lange
nature of the Grammarian people. Conditions in
the international community are tense. English
A thunderous series of interrobangs and
leaders have declared their apposition to the
interrobooms punctuated the night yesterday as
attack, and have demanded articles of surrender
Grammar Nazi forces pushed into the fragile
from Grammary: “It is imperative that the
nation of Semipoland. Most world leaders had
Grammar Nazis negate all possessive claims on
hoped to secure a period of peace predicated on
Semipoland, be they present, future, or future
the scansion of Czechoslapostrophe, but tensions
perfect, and remain intransitive from their
continued to mount. Last week, Grammar Nazi
borders for the infinitive future.”
leader Adverb Hitler declared the Semipoles to be
“a weak and subjunctive people” and described
t h e i r r u l e r s a s “ Q u e s t i o n - Ma r x i s t s ” a n d
“dangerous enemies of the statement.”
The rapid assault has forced the Semipolish
army into contraction around the direct object of
Several nations have already mobilized to
liberate Semipoland, and prominent
CAPITALISTS are collecting funds for relief
efforts.
Volume 3 Issue 5
A harrowing tale of last minute genius
Page 2
What do you Want from Me?
The Chicago Shady Dealer
P
Crescat Rumor Vitia Excolantur
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a
PH.D/DMV/AARP/GA/SAS/AOP/DHL
Ryan Uricks
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B.A./Peoplesoft Certified
Patrick Lange
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CPA
Zachary Binney
b
D.D.S/F.F.A.A.A
Adam Petterson
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DeVry
Megan Wells
Priya Dugad
McJobbers
Katharine Bierce
MIchael Kramer
Harry Nangle
Michael Stevens
Rapture
Coming Soon
Meetings
Sundays @ 7pm Harper 141
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i
l
By: Bill Volk
From the Trash Can and/or Letter to the Editor
Sun to Kuvia: Fuck You
To whom it may concern,
Salutations my ass! Who the fuck woke me
up? There I was resting, minding my own damn
business at 6 AM, when a bunch of dipshits
doing yoga led by some random bitch in a polar
bear suit had to get all up in my face.
It just so happened that I had no classes that
day, and I wanted to sleep in for once. It’s not
like you people ever leave the library or whatever rocks you tools collectively live under to
soak up my glorious rays on a regular basis anyway. Oh that’s just rich, apparently I’ve been
informed that you little bastards were participating in some random stunt called Kawasaki,
Kum shot, Kevorkian, whatever the hell you
think it is you’re doing, just stop it! Inuit for
happiness my bright, shiny, burning ass!
By the way, those idiots are the lamest sons of
bitches I’ve ever met! Why else do you think I
don’t show up at the North Pole for six months
straight? Apparently the Inuit have 29 different
words for snow. I only require three words for
you people: go fuck yourselves!
-The bright shiny yellow orb in the sky that’s
about to irradiate your asses if you wake me up
again
File
Volume 3 Issue 5
A subsidiary of Omniglobalamalgamplex
Page 3
Current Mood: Meh
Kim Jong Il Changes Livejournal Status From Public to “Friends Only”
By Aaron Horton
“Kim is just building walls with
this,” said Bush in a statement to the
press on Monday. He expressed conIn a stunning political move, Kim
cern that the move would cripple
Jong Il, the dictator currently ruling
over North Korea, has changed his
talks about North Korea’s nuclear
Livejournal privacy setting from
program. “How can we solve interna“Public” to “Friends Only.” Now, only
tional problems that could have a
his 56 closest friends can read his
wide effect on the lives of millions of
innermost thoughts.
people if I can’t comment on how I
“I just felt like it was the right thing
totally understand what he’s going
to do,” explained Mr. Kim in a press
through?” Bush also stated that this
conference last Friday. “Before, everyexclusion was just “not cool” and that
one was reading my personal feelings.
Kim will “definitely be receiving a
My crush on my secretary was coming
Myspace message” on the topic.
under international scrutiny. Now, I
Kim Jong Il’s Journal, entitled “Just
can really let the depression flow, with
ILin’”, has been active since 2004,
absolutely no fear of anyone I don’t
when Il discovered the online service
know looking through this window
while assisting his underlings in the
into my soul.” Kim also stated that
Sources close to Kim, 65, say that another mood change, this time $om
censorship of online sites. “I just fell in
the fact that his mother had access to
“pensive” to “ambivalent,” may come as early as next week.
love with the concept of having the
his journal played a large role in his
ability to share personal feelings with
decision.
large numbers of people, free of binding things like ‘restraint’ and ‘conThe dictator thought that the public might be getting the wrong imtext.’” Memorable entries include “My feelings on democracy,” “I just
pression about him from his journal. “It sort of makes me sound like an
like to blow shit up,” and “Dad just doesn’t get me.”
asshole, you know? All this killing, and ruling with an iron fist, and
The United Nations has expressed concern that Kim might use this
hating America and all that. But really that was just a tough front. I’m a
Livejournal as a vehicle to clandestinely support a nuclear weapons
really nice guy, and now all of my Livejournal friends are going to get to
program. They cite the presence of a user named “nukeluke” on the
see that side of me.” This seems like part of a natural progression that
very exclusive friends list as cause for concern. When asked about this
began when Kim’s mood changed from “indifferent” to “pensive.”
suspicious friend, Kim simply stated “Oh, that’s just Luke. He’s cool.”
Kim’s decision has come under the microscope on an international
When asked by the Associated Press about their leader’s decision, a
level. The most controversial aspect of this decision was the removal of
random
sample of citizens of North Korea simply stated “Get me the
George W. Bush from Kim’s friends list.
fuck out of here.”
Optimist Purchases U Chicago T-Shirt
By Katharine Bierce
University of Chicago first-year
David Mackenzie used to pride
himself on being an optimist to
the core. He did, that is, until he
saw the T-shirts other students
were wearing, especially “Where
Joie de Vivre Came and Was
Hacked to Pieces” and “The University of Chicago: Home of 4,500
Ugly Geniuses.”
At first Mackenzie wondered:
“Who are these cynical bastards?”
In an attempt to investigate the
source of the pride with which
these unique apparel items were
worn, he decided to buy a T-shirt
for himself. Mackenzie’s first
purchase was a large blue T-shirt
with the University logo on the
front and white lettering. On the
front, it proclaimed, “I miss the
good old days when math involved
numbers” and on the back, “Wait,
that was high school.” Mackenzie
said he chose this shirt “because I
like math, but college calculus is
fucking hard.” Thus the path
toward disillusionment began.
Two weeks later, Mackenzie
reported a change in the way
other students reacted to him.
“This girl in my Hum class winked
at me slyly. I wondered, was she
reacting to me, or to my witty T-
shirt?” The possibility that the girl
was reacting only to Mackenzie’s
attire and not his physical appearance sowed the first seeds of
doubt. Sexually frustrated and
intellectually confused, he subsequently bought a T-shirt that read,
“The University of Chicago: If you
want to get laid, be an egg.”
“Maybe,” he said, “these T-shirts
are a way of detracting from your
individuality by displaying your
common frustration with being a
hypersexed, overworked college
student. After the initial frustration with difficult classes wears off,
it mutates into deep-set cynicism,
pure and simple.” With this
epiphany, Mackenzie thought up
h i s o w n a c e r b i c T- s h i r t
catchphrase: “What’s the difference between Chicago women and
Chicago winters? One blows; the
other is a frigid bitch.”
Filler™
Omniglobalamalgamplex
We Own You®
Volume 3 Issue 5
News for the Uninterested
Page 4
That Sophist Kid
Ghost of Socrates Returns to Haunt, Bore Humanities Class
By Connor O’Steen
For the past month, Professor George Wanner’s Philosophical Perspectives humanities
class has been consistently haunted by the
ghost of Socrates.
“When he first appeared out of nowhere it
was horrifying,” said Joseph Walsh, a student
in the cursed class, “there was this loud bang,
and all of the sudden this bearded, chitin-clad
man was standing in the center of our square
table. It was pretty terrifying.”
“When it happened, we were all shocked,”
recounted Professor Wanner, “people were
running and screaming…and then we all slowly
got used to his cloying presence, vaguely condescending pedagogical remarks, and falsely
genial manner. By now, we’re all ready for him
to return to whatever strange rift in the timespace continuum he came out of.”
Dr. Wanner’s feelings are mirrored universally among his students. “For a while I was
awed by his presence,” said Henry Jenks, a
current first year. “I mean, his arguments were
so fluid and nonchalantly complex, he just ran
circles around everyone in all of the Socratic
seminars we had. But I’m really sick of puzzling out all of his syllogisms, and for being an
inexplicable anomaly from thousands of years
ago, he smells like ass.” Added Jenks: “I know
that pederasty was cool back then, but if he
makes another pass at me I’m going to sock
him in his heavily bearded face.”
The damage wrought by Socrates has not
been limited to general discomfort and unhappiness of the students: his constant questioning has also created strange affectations in
speech. One undergraduate began keeping a
log of certain commonly stated phrases after
the appearance of Socrates. According to this
record, the phrase, ‘of course, Socrates’ has
been used as a response to questions 778 times
in the past two weeks. The phrases, ‘I suppose
so,’ ‘so it seems,’ and ‘obviously’ top the list at
1,123 utterances each. Another student, who
wishes to remain anonymous, commented on
this phenomenon saying, “yesterday I said,
‘yea, verily, Socrates.’ What the fuck is that? I
don’t use the word “verily!” No one uses the
word “verily.” This is total bullshit. Socrates is
ruining my vocabulary.”
“God, he’s such a pain,” said Cindy Lewis,
another in a long list of aggravated students.
“Yesterday, he followed me around for five
hours proving that it was neither pious nor
just for me to go to a Modest Mouse concert.
I mean, like, just leave me alone. You’re dead
of hemlock-related complications, and I’ve got
something to live for, okay?”
In addition to the in-class comments against
the ghost of Socrates, some have raised complaints and questions regarding his conduct on
the rest of the campus. Said Martha Keller, a
Bartlett dining hall coordinator, “I’ve narrowed down the recent wave of fork and
spoon thefts from the [dining hall], and it’s
either Socrates of Athens or Bill of Kenwood…I’m pretty sure it’s not Bill of Kenwood.” Keller added angrily, “look, it’s great
that he was a pillar upon which all of Western
philosophy and thought would find support,
but we really need those spoons. The more he
takes, the fewer dining options we’re capable
of.”
Some have accused Socrates of sophistry by
citing questionable methods he employed to
convince others to give him items. David Gersher, a third year economics major, said, “at
the beginning of our conversation he asked
me if something pious is loved by the gods
because it is pious, or if something is pious
because it is loved by the gods. Before I knew
it, I was down 60 Flex dollars, 50 Bartlett
points, and I’d invested half of my savings in
Haitian penny stocks…I’m not sure how he
did it, but I know he’s to blame.”
Many in the U of C administration have
called for taking an active role in banishing
Socrates back to Hades, where he reputedly
went after his death. In an official press
statement issued yesterday, President Zimmer
said, “here is a clear example of a man who is
corrupting our youth. This isn’t just me
throwing out biased statements: we know for
a fact that he’s been convicted of this crime in
his homeland, and we should respect the
validity of Athens’s decision, and treat him as
a similar threat.”
Angelica Zhao, was briefly romantica"y involved
with the Greek philosopher. “Then he just overanalyzed the fuck out of everything. Natural language
my ass,” she explained.
Democrat’s Agenda for First Five Minutes in Power
9:00.00:
Walk onto Senate
floor; wonder if desks
are arranged by State
or Name
9:02:41
Sit at desk.
Look Around.
9:03:13
Realize “Holy
shit I’m a
fucking Senator!
9:04:15
Wave at Olympia
Snowe; wonder if she
might be into you
9:05:00
Corrupt America’s youth, implement
homosexual agenda, speak French
9:04:58
Senate is called to
secession
Volume 3 Issue 5
Host of the 2007 ANJOP Convention
Page 5
Keep Pope Alive
Martin Luther Day
By Ethan Stanislawski
All around campus, festivities, lectures and events occurred last
Monday when the University of Chicago had the day off in order to
celebrate Martin Luther day. Although its status as a national holiday
has been controversial, university officials were quick to put their support behind the holiday, stating that Martin Luther “reflects everything the university stands for.”
“Before Martin Luther, no one was intellectually challenged, salvation
could be purchased in the form of an indulgence, and dissenters where
persecuted,” said David Swanson, dean of the Divinity School. “But
Luther showed people that they could come up with their own crazy
interpretations of the Bible, would probably go to hell no matter what
they did, and could hate Jews in new, exciting ways. He was a true
innovator -- a real pioneer of the life of the mind.”
95 students at Kenwood Elementary School were selected to write
down a thesis and nail it to the door of Rockefeller Chapel. Among
those listed were “My teacher yells too much,” “I actually wanted a
pony for Christmas,” and “Our Lord and Master Jesus Christ, when He
said Poenitentiam agite, willed that the whole life of believers should
be repentance.”
The Legacy Continues
At the Laboratory School, they had their annual Martin Luther Day
pageant, which featured the classic play, “Judgment at the Diet of
Worms”. “I know Luther died, like, hundreds of years ago, but judging
by his character he seemed pretty badass” said Jared Hurley, a senior at
the Lab School who played Luther.
At the University, a series of lectures were given under the title By
Faith Alone. Scholars from across the world, including Archbishop of
Canterbury Rowan Williams and Lukas Sorenstam, president of Gustavus Adolphus college. Williams stated “Luther showed the rest of the
world that they could tell the Church to fuck off,” while Sorenstam
stated “Was Luther a genius? You betcha.”
Some groups on campus, however, were so outraged by the universal
praise of Luther that they started a counter-Luther Day, which met at
the Council of Calvert House. Among the issues discussed were “Hating Protestants after Vatican II,” “The Meaning of Intolerance,” and
“Would Benedict XVI Win in a Fight with Luther?”
Overall, however, the campus was quite pleased with the day. “I got
to learn more about an important figure in history, and I got to skip
class,” said second-year Lewis Robinson, “pretty sweet deal if you ask
me.”
Fox Launches Groundbreaking Sitcom
By Katharine Bierce
In a response to the lackluster
performance of their current TV
lineup, Fox producers have decided to rush a new sitcom, currently in development, to air this
February entitled, “Fat Husband,
Attractive Wife.”
As executive producer Dean
Corman said, “Sitcom premises
have grown by leaps and bounds
in the last two seasons. The Office? My Name is Earl? We need
something as original as those
concepts. We’re thinking ‘Fat
Husband, Attractive Wife’ will
turn some heads as well,” he said,
refering to the sweeps period that
determines network ad prices.
Corman added, “We’re also pretty
excited about the setting-- a
suburban livingroom.”
Editor-in-chief of Variety magazine Peter Bart was initially skeptical of the show’s premise, “I
think ABC tried something like
this a few years back with Rose-
anne,” he noted. Then, glancing
a paper on his desk, he corrected himself, remarking,
“oh... the wife is attractive? I
think Fox might be onto something here. Maybe they could
get some comedy out of the
husband seeing her in the bathroom.”
Head-Writer Amy Hollerman
hoped TV audiences will identify with the show’s characters.
“The husband, Bob, is a moderately overweight, borderline
alcoholic, but his blue-collar
common sense is sure to make
him lovable to all.” Internet
r umors repor t that in the
show’s pilot episode, Bob has a
few too many drinks at his
buddies’ poker game, seriously
jeopardizing his ability to make
it to the kids’ soccer game.
The show is scheduled to air
on Wednesdays at 9:30, placing
it in lineup competition with
ABC’s According to Jim.
Polar Bear
Run 07’
Statistics
Number of participants: 178
Number of photos taken: 849
Number of unidentified smells: 3
My eyes: covered
Participants' genitals: uncovered
Mouths of on-lookers: filled with vomit
Most prominent attribute of all runners: facial hair
Least prominent attribute of all runners: dignity, regard for
society (tie)
Average participant attractiveness (1 to 10 scale): 2.3
Number of gross-out related hospitalizations: 28
Number of boners popped: 1
Volume 3 Issue 5
Approved by the Green Hills Chamber of Commerce
Page 6
Not Even Close to All the Way
Beer Pong Champion: “Where’s the Spirit?”
By Ezra Feldman
Joey Berko, a University of Chicago 4th
year and recognized Beer Pong champion, is
concerned that many of his friends and
teammates are losing the spirit of the game,
according to a recent public statement. “My
teammates used to work so hard at beer pong
– we practiced our throws and bounces for
hours. We really got into the strategy. Now
they just use the game as an excuse to drink.”
There have also been worries that teammates
increasingly do not show up for practice sessions, where water is used instead of beer.
Berko, who has won championships across the
College in his first three years here, still shows
as much enthusiasm for the game as ever, playing games as often as four of five times a week.
But he says his housemates have been ending
games early more often and drinking in boring,
non-competitive ways. Berko described a recent
incident: “Last Saturday, right in the middle of a
game, my teammate Sam just says, ‘That’s it, I’m
going for some vodka in my room.’ And he
leaves! It was a critical point in the game also,
We were tied at four, going for six. I really think
we could have won, but Sam just didn’t care, I
guess.”
Berko has also expressed concern that Frisbee
team parties seem to focus less and less on discussing team strategy and upcoming tournaments.
Winter Blows Harder with Fantasy Sex League Shenanigans
Forget Passing the Pigskin: It’s Time to Hide The Sausage
By Sarah Pickman
from the casual and friendly to rough and tumble. At the end of the
season, which coincides this year with Chicago’s winter quarter
With Dungeons and Dragons season over and the start of the
reading period, ’sizers pit their teams against each other in all-out
regular chess season still months away, many University of Chicago
orgies to determine who would have the craziest balls-out tensome, if
students have turned to an increasingly-popular franchise to get their
only those nine people would actually get into bed with him. ’Sizers
indoor sports fix in the interim: Fantasy Sex leagues.
can also form managerial franchises; at most sites, a fan can play with
Fantasy Sex, much like Fantasy Baseball
himself or with a friend.
or Fantasy Football, allows participants
As the sport has grown, other
to compose hypothetical teams of
variations have developed, each with
favorite real people to face each other
its own enthusiastic devotees. Sizin a virtual rendezvous. Like other
ers can form teams based on verified
fantasy sports franchises, this one got
sex acts performed by the members
hot with the growth of the Internet.
of a seven-person team of dead peoThe primary difference, however, is
ple. According to the leagues webthat teams in Fantasy Sex are coms i t e , w w w. h i s t o r y s e x x x . c o m ,
posed not of great athletes, but of total
Genghis Khan, Catherine the Great,
babes; smooth passes and great control
and Thomas Jefferson are some of
help win these games.
the most popular team members.
Participants, nicknamed “’sizers,”
So what’s the allure for Chicago’s
(Short for Fantasizers), assemble
’sizers? Most simply enjoy having a
imaginary teams composed of nine
hobby that lets them get off of their
real-life potential sex partners, ranging
work and fool around for a while.
from T.A.’s, cute Asians on the subway,
“My best friend Christina turned me
significant others of older siblings, and
on to Fantasy Sex League. She’s a
the hot twenty-something behind the
size queen,” fourth-year Max Donobar at Smoke Daddy’s. ’Sizers then rack
van explained, using the nickname
up points in half a dozen categories,
for female players. “It’s just a lot of fun. I
based on the actual behavior of these fanThe importance of safe fantasy sex is often overlooked and could lead to
enjoy the friction and the heat of the
tasy partners. Flirting with the ’sizer, saying
the Virtual Clap
game, when you get into a really good
or doing something that could be interrhythm with your team. And it definitely
preted as flirting with the ’sizer, and wearing
takes some maneuvering to get into it. You’ve got to get on top to
a super hot outfit, all help bang out points for the team’s overall score.
come out strong at the end. Definitely a challenge, but I can rise to
For most of the season, ’sizers compete with their teams online, in
the occasion.”
forums that range from highly structured game series to random play,
Volume 3 Issue 5
The Truth is Dumb
Page 7
Wall of Sound Death
Campus Music Snobs Washed Away in Tidal Wave of Pretention
By Ethan Stanislawski
The University of Chicago was devastated last
week by an extremely pretentious tidal wave. The
recent emergence of Pitchfork Media, the return of
Lollapalooza, and the success of Su4an Stevens’
Illinois left the city extremely vulnerable to what
meteorologists are calling a “Category 5 hipster disaster.”
The tidal wave is the worst to hit Chicago since
1996, when the success of such Chicago artists as the
Smashing Pumpkins, Liz Phair, and Urge Overkill
prompted a tidal wave to clear the way for boy bands
and Britney Spears. On the U of C campus, Cobb
Coffee Shop, WHPK studios and the Chicago Weekly’s
production room were hit particularly hard, and
experts are anticipating a long, grueling recovery for
these hipster havens.
“I was listening to Jens Lenkman on my iPod nano,
smoking a Camel outside the Shoreland,” said firstyear J. Pierce, “when all of a sudden, a giant wave
comes straight from Lake Michigan and washes me
and my fellow cronies to various unknown hipster
buildup locations. I’m in Austin, Texas, and South by
Southwest is not for another month!”
The tidal wave apparently had a mechanism for
detecting pretentiousness through favorite music
listings on the facebook and iTunes. There was a
direct correlation to the number of bands listed, as
well as an inverse correlation to the frequency of
listed bands on the facebook. Hence, people who
listed only Justin Timberlake and the Black Eyed
Peas were untouched, but those who listed bands
such as The Jesus Lizard, Camera Obscura, and Mer-
Eckhart later co"apsed since it couldn’t endure a" the “Whoo-hoo’s ” for the Pu"man
cury Rev among 50 others were in serious danger. Also at risk were people who listed bands
whose names contained poor spelling and repeated words, such as Xiu Xiu or Frou Frou. People with more than three Sonic Youth albums in their iTunes library were hit at over an 80%
rate.
The remaining members of the university, however, were somewhat relieved by the tidal
wave. “I couldn’t walk down this fucking campus without hearing about how they saw Neutral
Milk Arcade or whatever before it was cool, or how Franz La Tengo was so much better before
they signed to a major label or some shit like that” said Jeff LeRoy, graduate student in Norwegian folklore. “Seriously, these students needed to get their heads out of their asses and listen
to some fucking Sabbath.”
Fortunately, with the large classical scene and multitude of indifferent science majors, the
university was not hit as hard as some other Chicago locations. Columbia College reported
over 1000 students missing, and Steve Albini’s Electrical Audio Studios, sadly, has been damaged beyond recovery.
Next Step Taken, Third Base Reached
By Michael Stevens
At this year’s “Taking the Next Step” seminar,
much more was touched upon than interviews
and job opportunities. According to preliminary
reports from the university’s Career Advice and
Planning Services (CAPS), Third-years Michael
Waters and Rebecca Snodgrass took the event’s
title to heart when, sometime during panel
session B, they agreed to finally reach third base:
manual genital manipulation.
Inspired by the seminar’s motivational “reachfor-your-dreams” attitude, the pair ducked behind the Hyatt Regency’s ice machine. It was
there that Snodgrass reportedly reached not only
for her dreams, but also for Waters’ pale, slightly
erect wiener. “All the talk about careers and fellowships got me thinking about my future,” said Waters. “That’s why
Rebecca and I decided it was time to step it up
and say hello to the hand job.”
The illicit skin-flute choking, which lasted an
estimated 24 seconds, concluded a long-lasting
tension between the two students. “The seminar taught me that it was time to grow up,”
Snodgrass explained, “I mean, I’m not a firstyear who lives in a double and eats only Bartlett
food anymore. Now I have a single and sometimes I eat at the Snail.”
When asked if they planned to hang out
again, the couple said that “Summer Breeze”
sounded cool, but that it was slightly pricey and
“kinda far away from [Palevsky] West.”
In an impromptu celebratory speech, Waters
thanked his father for forcing him to go to the
event, as well as Rebecca’s parents who “clearly
raised their daughter with self-esteem low enough to satisfy guys like
me.”
Volume 3 Issue 5
The Newspaper of Yesterday for Tomorrow
Page 8
Victory!!
SUPER BOWL CHAMPS WIN BIG GAME!!!
Miami (CSD) - The AFC and NFC champs squared off in a
thrilling match on Sunday night, but in the end it was the Superbowl
champs that emerged victorious. In a wild match that lasted longer
than three hours, both teams ran and passed the ball repeatedly down
the field. The quarterbacks completed passes to their wide-receivers
and tight ends, and the running backs rushed to the left, right, and
center, occasionally penetrating the opposing team’s defensive line.
The third
Super Bowl XLI
Final
q u a r te r b e g a n
with a strong
kickoff, as the
Team 1
team that won
the coin-toss
opted to recieve
in the first half.
Defenders did
Team 2
their best to
stop
the
offenses, but by the end of the game each team had managed to put
some points up on the board.
As the teams trudged into their locker rooms at halftime, the
coach of the leading team took a moment to give a reporter a few
generic, irritable words: “Well, we’ve done great so far, but there’s
definitely room for improvement. We’ve gotta score some more points,
and our defense has to stop their running and passing games.”
Finally, when the game clock struck 0:00 in the fourth quarter, the
team that was ahead celebrated victory. Fireworks shot into the sky and
confetti covered the stadium as the fans of the winners reveled loudly
and violently; drunken fans quickly flooded the streets of the
Superbowl Champs’ hometown.
The halftime show was filled with grandiose festivities. Prince
rocked the crowd from a stage in the middle of the field with
renditions of some of his most famous songs, and the crowd cheered
raucously before settling back into their seats for an electrifying second
half.
Analysts attributed the Champs’ victory to great offensive and
defensive performances. NBC commentator and former NFL coach
John Madden explained: “What matters in football is scoring
touchdowns and field goals. And safeties. The Champs ended up with
more points on the board at the end of the game, and that’s why they
won.”
By Zachary Binney
To the editor: Ryan, don’t publish this before the morning of February 5th or
we’re going to look like total dumbasses.
Continued $om Page 1...
the completion of a personal memoir, and reconnecting with former
colleagues, including Satan, the lord of all evil. Satan and Mr. Hussein
shared a homosexual relationship that was chronicled in the 1999
movie South Park: Bi-er, Longer, and Uncut.
Mr. Hussein is not the first leader to leave his post to pursue a more
active family life. In 2004 George Tenet retired as Director of the
Central Intelligence Agency for the very same reason, and General
Eric Ken Shinseki, a noted critic of the U.S. led war, cited “personal
reasons” as he stepped down from his highly decorated post as Army
General in 2003.
“This is a common phenomenon,” explained Dr. Marta Messelbaum, a sociologist at Duquesne University. “War has a tendency to
make men realize the importance of home and family life. The worsening situation in Iraq would make anyone want to go home and
spend time with loved ones. Saddam Hussein, George Tenet, Donald
Rumsfeld, take your pick. They all need the love and care of their
family right now.”
Private First Class Barton Lewett, 19, critiqued Dr. Messelbaum’s
findings, noting, “I’m gonna stay out here for my buddies, that’s
what’s important right now. Family is important too, I guess. My
mom sent me the second season of Drawn Together, and that was
pretty sweet.”
Mr. Hussein expressed a message of hope for the troubled Middle
East at a retirement gala given at dawn on the morning of December
30. “Down with the traitors, the Americans, the spies, and the Persians,” he remarked. Mr. Hussein’s memoirs, entitled If I Possessed
Massive Stockpiles of Weapons of Mass Destruction, will be published by
Bantam in March.
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