Monster Trucks - Insider Magazine

Inmate Edition
A Washington State Non-profit orginization
Issue #5
May/June 2007
$4,.95 US
Monster Trucks
2007 World Finals from Las Vegas
Plus Jokes, Puzzles, Letters, Advice and more!
Visit us online at www.insidermag.org
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leather leaf,
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NEUE #5
ISS
LOOK!!
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But Wait!
It’s our 1st anniversary!
Humor
Letters
Poetry
Recipes
Prison Art
Crossword
Short Stories
Math Puzzles
Word Puzzles
Monster Trucks
Miss Know-it-All
LOOK!!
To celebrate, we are offering you a full
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you can get six full issues of The Insider
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put the issue number you
Hurry... offer expires June 30. 2007. Please
want in the lower left hand corner.
Index
Issue 5, May/June 2007
Letters to the editor...............Page 4
Puzzles...................................Page 5
Humor...................................Page 6
Miss Know-It-All (Advice)...Page 8
Still More Humor .............Page 9
What’s Your Beef?...............Page 10
Post-A-Note.........................Page 12
Monster Trucks (Cover Story).Page 13
Featured Vendors...............Page 17
Crossword Puzzle................Page 18
Classic Books......................Page 19
Artist’s Loft..........................Page 22
Poet’s Corner......................Page 23
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© 2007
The Insider Magazine May/Jun 2007
page 3
Letters to Editor
Note: Anyone can write a letter to the editor.
The Insider welcomes letters from inmates,
outsiders, and servicemen and women.
Dear Editor:
I really enjoyed your magazine (Nov/Dec).
I would like to order the next issue. Too
bad we (inmates) couldn’t get a subscription order. I would have paid in advance. I
am excited about the magazine. It has very
interesting articles and the humor section
is a laugh! I enjoyed the one about Hillary
Clinton. I am a native American and had
to share that with the other sisters in here.
Thank you for the magazine.
Sincerely, Martlin (Denver, CO)
Dear Martlin.
Thank you for your kind words. I am glad
that you enjoy the magazine. The good news
is that we DO offer subscriptions. Usually
they are $12.00 for inmates, but this issue
we are offering a one year subscription for
1/2 price; just $6.00. This is to celebrate
our one year anniversary. Now is your
chance to subscribe and save money, too.
Don’t delay...the offer ends June 30th.
Ed.
~:~
Dear Editor,
Having been incarcerateed now for over
thirty years, I have had my
full share of “Inmate Publications” that make many promises, but fall way short of their
claims. With that being said,
I wish to applaud you and
your staff for compiling such
a promise. I am enclosing
enough postage for The Insider issues #1,
#2, and #4. Also my $12.00 check for a
subscription should arrive soon. I am also
enclosing some additional postage to be
used to send The Insider to some men who
might be indigent. Maybe others will read
this and realize that we are all on the same
inside and to extend a hand to someone
you have never met is the first step to
combatting the dehumanizing effects of
incarceration. I hope you will continue to
bring us men on the inside a ray of light
from the outside.
Respectfully, John (MD)
Dear John,
Wow! What a testimonial for our
humble little magazine! Thank you
very much. Please take advantage
of our 1st anniversary 1/2 price
subscription offer on the inside
front cover to extend your subscription another year. We will not
only put your additional postage
in a pool to send The Insider to indigent
inmates, but we will also match your
generous contribution to double the size
of the fund. Any other inmates who wish to
contribute stamps to this cause may do so.
Thank you for starting the fund and setting
a great example for others. This is further
proof that prisoners, not prisons, rehabilitate themselves. (In spite of their circumstances!) Thanks again for your letter and
kind donation. Ed. ~:~
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The Case of the Untimely Blackmailer
“I’m telling you, Hobbs,” said John Dough,
“inheriting the Dough millions has had some
nerve racking moments. Do you remember
Frack, the butler?” “A smiling and mild mannered chap,” said Hobbs
“That’s the guy. I fired him after inheriting
the house in the Hamptons. Well, two days
ago he came to my office and demanded one
hundred thousand dollars. He claimed to have
been in the study when my father drew up
another will, naming his brother sole heir.”
“You believed him?”
“I confess the news was quite a shocker. Dad
and I had an argument over Marilyn sometime during the last week of June. Dad opposed the marriage, and it seemed possible
that he had cut me off.”
“Frack said he has this second will, which
he said would be worth a lot more than the
blackmail money he was asking for. He said
the new will was dated June 31, only one day
newer than the old will, but it would be legally recognized he claimed.”
“You didn’t pay him, I hope?” asked Hobbs.
“I paid---with my boot to the seat of his
pants.” “Perfect,” agreed Hobbs. “Imagine
trying to peddle a story like that!?
Why did they decide not to pay Frack?
The Insider Magazine Mar/Apr 2007
page 5
Humor
A Cherokee Indian was a special guest
at an elementary school. He talked to the
children about his tribe and its traditions,
then shared with them this fun fact: “There
are
no swear words in the Cherokee
language.”
One boy raised his hand, “But what if
you’re hammering a nail and accidentally
smash your thumb?”
“That,” the man answered, “is when we
use your language.”
~:~
Show me a man with both feet firmly on
the ground, and I’ll show you a man who
can’t get his pants off.
~:~
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at
the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the
locals always had the habit of picking
on strangers, which he was. When he
finished his drink, he found his horse had
been stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped
his gun into the air, caught it above his
head without even looking and fired a shot
into the ceiling.
“Which one of you sidewinders stole my
horse?!?!?!” he yelled with surprising
forcefulness.
No one answered.
“Alright, I’m gonna have another beer,
and if my horse ain’t back outside by the
time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in
Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what
I dun in Texas!”
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The
man, true to his word, had another beer,
walked outside, and his horse had been
returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of
town. The bartender wandered out of the
bar and asked, “Say pardner, before you
go...what happened in Texas?”
The cowboy turned back and said, “I had
to walk home.”
~:~
A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New
Yorker are captured by cannibals.
The chief cannibal comes to them and
says, “The bad news is that now that
we’ve caught you, we’re going to kill you,
put you in a pot, cook you, eat you, and
6
The Insider Magazine May/June2007
then use your skins to build a canoe. The
good news is that you get to choose how
you die.”
The Frenchman says, “I take zee sword.”
The chief gives him a sword, he says,
“Vive la France!” and runs himself
through.
The Englishman says, “Right--a pistol for
me, please.”
The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at
himself, says, “God save the queen!” and
shoots.
The New Yorker says, “Gimme a fork.”
The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and
gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes
the fork and starts jabbing himself all
over the stomach, the sides, the chest,
everywhere. There’s blood gushing out all
over; it’s horrible!
The chief is appalled,
and asks, “What in the
world are you doing?”
The New Yorker says,
“So much for your
stupid canoe!”
~:~
A grandmother took
her little grandson
to the beach. They
were having a good
time until a huge wave came in and swept
the boy out to sea. She fell down on her
knees and pleaded to the heavens, “Please
return my grandson -- that’s all I ask -PLEASE!”
A moment later, lo and behold, a wave
swelled from the ocean and deposited
the wet, yet unhurt, child at her feet. She
checked him over to make sure that he was
okay. He was fine. She looked up to the
heavens angrily and said, “When we came
he had a hat!”
~:~
A guy comes into a coffee shop and places
his order: “I want 3 flat tires & a pair of
headlights”
The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid,
goes to the kitchen & asks the cook, “This
guy out there just ordered 3 flat tires & a
pair of headlights.
What does he think, this is an auto parts
store?!”
“No,” the cook says, “3 flat tires means 3
pancakes & a pair of headlights is 2 eggs
sunny side up.”
“Oh,” says the waitress. She thinks about
this and then she spoons up a bowl
of beans and gives it to the customer.
The guy says “What are the beans for?”
The waitress replies “I thought that,
while you’re waiting for the flat tires &
headlights, you might want to gas up.”
~:~
A guy walks into the local welfare office,
marches straight up to the counter and
says, “Hi, you know, I just hate drawing
welfare. I’d really rather have a job.”
The social worker behind the counter
says, “your timing is just excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very
wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful
nymphomaniac daughter. You’ll have to
drive around in his Mercedes, but he’ll
supply all of your clothes. Because of the
long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll
be expected to escort her on her overseas
holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her
sexual urges. You’ll be provided a two
bedroom apartment above the garage. The
starting salary will be $300,000. per year.”
The guy,wide eyed,says, “You’re kidding
me..!” The social worker says, “You
started it.”
~:~
A male golfer was preparing to hit his ball
from the red ladies tee on the first hole,
right in front of the pro shop. As he began
his backstroke, a voice boomed over the
public address system: “Would the man
hitting his ball from the ladies tee, please
move it back to the men’s tee?!”
He glared over his shoulder, then began
again to prepare to hit his ball.
The loudspeaker again shattered the
silence, repeating, “Will the man hitting
his ball from the ladies tee, please move it
back to the white, men’s tee?!
At that, the man turned and faced the
clubhouse. Cupping his hands on his
mouth he hollered, “Will the man in the
clubhouse please be quiet, so I can take
my second shot?!”
~:~
A nice, calm and respectable lady went
into the pharmacy, right up to the
pharmacist, looked straight into his
eyes, and said,”I would like to buy some
More Humor
cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, “ Why in the world
do you need cyanide?”
The lady replied “I need it to poison my
husband.”
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he
exclaimed,”Lord have mercy! I can’t
give you cyanide to kill your husband!
That’s against the law! I’ll lose my
license! They’ll throw both of us in
jail!
All kinds of BAD things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any
cyanide!”
The lady reached into her purse and pulled
out a picture of her husband in bed with
the pharmacist’s wife. The pharmacist
looked at the picture and replied,”Well
now, That’s different. You didn’t tell me
you had a prescription”
~:~
Once upon a time, long ago, there lived
a sailor named Captain Bravo. He was a
manly man’s man, who showed no fear
when facing his enemies.
One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his
lookout spotted a pirate ship, and the crew
became frantic.
Captain Bravo bellowed, “Bring me my
red shirt!” The first mate quickly retrieved
the captain’s red shirt, and while wearing
the brightly colored frock, the Captain
led his crew into battle and defeated the
pirates.
That evening, all the men sat around on
the deck recounting the day’s triumph.
One of them asked the Captain, “Sir,
why did you call for your red shirt before
battle?”
The captain replied, “If I am wounded
in the attack, the shirt will not show my
blood. Thus, you men will continue to
fight, unafraid.”
All of the men sat in and marveled at the
courage of such a manly man’s man.
As dawn came the next morning, the
lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN
pirate ships approaching. The crew stared
in worshipful silence at the captain and
waited for his usual orders.
Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes
upon the vast armada arrayed against
his ship, and without fear, turned and
calmlyted, “Get me my brown pants!”
~:~
Everyone has a photographic memory.
Some don’t have film.
~:~
George Phillips, 65, of Meridian, Mississippi,
was going up to bed when his wife told him
that he’d left the light on in the garden shed,
which she could see from the bedroom
window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the
light but saw that there were people in the shed
stealing things. He phoned the police, who
asked, “Is someone in your house?” and he said
“no”. Then they said that all patrols were busy,
and that he should simply lock his door and an
officer would be along when available.
George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30,
and phoned the police again.
“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago
because there were people in my shed. Well,
you don’t have to worry about them now cause
I’ve just shot them all.” Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an armed
response unit, and an ambulance showed up at
the Phillips residence and caught the burglars
red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George: “I
thought you said that you’d shot them!”
George said, “I thought you said there was
nobody available!”
~:~
and had one recommendation: ‘’Use a
thawed chicken.’’
~:~
I was sitting in the waiting room for my
first appointment with a new dentist when
I noticed his diploma hanging on the
wall. It bore his full name and I suddenly
remembered a tall, handsome dark-haired
boy with the same name. He had been in
my high school class some 40-odd years
before and I wondered, “Could he be the
same guy I had a secret crush on way back
then?”
When I got into the treatment room I
quickly discarded any such thought. This
balding gray-haired man with the deeply
lined face was much too old to have been
my secret crush... or was he?
After he examined my teeth I asked if
hehad attended Morgan Park High School.
“Yes, I did. I’m a Mustang!” He said,
gleaming with pride.
“When did you graduate?” I asked.
“1959. Why do you ask?” he answered.
“Well, you were in my class!” I exclaimed.
To which the ugly, old, wrinkled jerk
asked, “So, what did you teach?”
In a recent issue of Meat & Poultry
Custom Greeting Cards
magazine, editors quoted from ’Feathers,’’
made to order with original
the publication of the California Poultry
prison artwork.
Industry Federation, telling the following
•
Choose
from many original designs.
story: It seems the US Federal Aviation
• We print your greeting on the cover
Administration has a unique device
and personalized message inside.
for testing the strength of windshields
on airplanes. The device is a gun that
• We sign the card with your own
launches a dead chicken at a plane’s
signature. Find out how.
windshield at approximately the speed
• Add a photo opposite the inside
the airplane flies. The theory is that if the
message. (Inside cover)
windshield can withstand the carcass test
•
We
mail to any address in USA free.
impact, it’ll survive a real collision with a
•Send SASE for free brochure. We
bird during flight.
cannot respond without a
Apparently, the British were very
Self Addressed Stamped
interested in this and wanted to test
Envelope.
a windshield on a brand new, highspeed train they were developing. They
borrowed the FAA’s chicken launcher,
loaded a chicken and fired. The ballistic
chicken not only shattered the windshield,
but went through the engineer’s seat,
broke an instrument panel, and was
imbedded in the back wall of the engine
cab. The British were stunned and asked
the FAA to review the test to see if
Christian’s Custom Cards
everything was done correctly.
The Insider Magazine May/June 2007 page 7
The FAA reviewed the data thoroughly
Miss Know-it-All
Dear Miss Know-it-All,
After spending almost 12 years in prison
now and with the very real possibility of
being released within the next few months,
I now have a dilemma that’s not only serious to me but to everyone in the Florida
prison system; especially those of us who
have served a considerable amount of time.
Our dilemma is this: are there any State
or Federal loans or grants that would help
us obtain a vehicle, straighten out our licences, and purchase our tools of our trade
so we are somewhat prepared to enter the
workforce? Thank you for your time. I look
forward to your response. May this find you
in the best of health and spirits.
Attention Soldiers
The insider is creating a special
edition just for military personell
and invites you to send in your
questions to Miss Know-it-All.
Address your letters to:
The Insider Magazine
Miss-Know-it-All
PO Box 829
Hillsboro, OR 97123
Sincerely, Toby (FL)
Dear Toby.
You bring up several valid points. As far as
the grants or loans go, I do not know of
any for right when you get out. If you have
a business idea, you should write up a business plan while you are still inside, then,
when you get out, go to a SCORE counsellor (free) and let them review it and help
you make it better. You can then apply for a
small business loan to start that business or
look online for a grant that fits your plan.
For transportation, you will be stuck with
the bus until you find a job. Then there are
a lot of car dealers that will extend credit
with no money down so you can buy a car
that will fir your needs. You didn’t mention
what trade you are in, but most shops have
a tool man that comes around every week
that will let you have tools on credit. You
then pay him a small amount every week
until he is paid off. If your new employer
does not have a tool man come by, maybe he can get you some tools and you can
pay him back a reasonable amount every
week until they are paid off. Getting out of
prison with no outside support is very hard
and you will be broke for a while until you
can acquire the necessities of life on the
outside; but I will tell you that it is totally
worth the effort. Hang in there and you will
make it. Good luck. Ed
~:~
Dear Miss Know-it-All,
I have been in for 7 years and will be getting
8 The Insider Magazine May/June2007
“At least I am going
to give it a good try.
So try me!”
out in a few months. I have no family or
friends on the outside. Where will I go
when I get out?
Jeff (MD)
Dear Jeff,
You should have a counsellor assigned to
you. Ask him about transitional housing
or subsidized housing. If there are no
State facilities near you, try the YMCA
or the Salvation Army. They can help you
with temporary housing until you can get
on your feet. If you will be on parole, your
parole officer can be helpful in finding
you shelter, employment, and food.
To begin preparing for life on the outside,
you should start building your bank with
extra money so you will have some cash
when you are released. When you do get
out, look for temp agencies that pay every
day. You should be able to register with
one or two that will send you out when
you show up in the morning. With that
revenue coming in and temporary shelter,
you should be able to save enough money
to find a place of your own in a few weeks.
A lot of employers will try you out through
a temp agency, and if they like you, will
hire you full time. Temp agancies give
them a chance to try out workers until they
find someone who fits their needs. When
you are done for the day, let the employers
know you are available for full time work,
if they are looking to hire. Sometimes
they will know of something else if they
are only using you to fill in for someone
on vacation, but a lot of the time they are
actually looking for a new employee.
Keep in constant touch with your counsellor
and parole officer and you should get
through the transition successfully. There
are also some support groups that can
help you handle things emotionally and
can share their experiences with you.
Sometimes your parole will require you to
attend classes. These classes can be a great
assett for networking and for finding help.
You may not have any blood relatives, but
you can make your own family through
these groups.
No matter what happens after you are
released, NEVER GIVE UP! If you do,
you will surely end up right back where
you are now, and for a longer period of
time. If you never give up, you will keep
your freedom and make a life for yourself.
There are many agencies that will help
if you just ask. You need never to be
homeless, hungry, or alone. There are
people waiting to help you survive and
help you make something of yourself that
you can be proud of. Hang in there, and
never give up. Ed ~:~
typing SERVICES
Computer – Typewriter
ALL KINDS OF TYPING
“Special Rates for Prisoners”
Black/Color Printing and Copying
Send SASE for a “FREE” Price list and
more information to:
LET MY FINGERS DO YOUR TYPING
Sandra Z. Thomas
PO Box 4178 Dept. IM1206
Winter Park, Florida 32793-4178
(407) 579-5563
Still More Humor
An amateur genealogical researcher discovered that his great-great uncle, Remus
Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was
hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known
photograph of Remus shows him standing
on the gallows. On the back of the picture
is this inscription:
“Remus Starr; horse thief; sent to Montana
Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887;
robbed the Montana Flyer six times.
Caught by Pinkerton detectives. Convicted
and hanged 1889.”
In a Family History subsequently written by the researcher, Remus’s picture is
cropped so that all that’s seen is a head
shot. The accompanying biographical
sketch is as follows:
“Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the
Montana Territory. His business empire
grew to include acquisition of valuable
equestrian assets and intimate dealings
with the Montana railroad. Beginning
in 1885, he devoted several years of his
life to service at a government facility,
finally taking leave to resume his dealings
with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key
player in a vital investigation run by the
renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency.
In 1889, Remus passed away during an
important civic function held in his honor
when the platform upon which he was
standing collapsed.”
~:~
For decades, two heroic statues, one male
and one female, faced each other in a city
park, until one day an angel came down
from heaven.
“You’ve been such exemplary statues,” he
announced to them, “so I’m going to give
you a special gift.
I’m going to bring you both to life for
thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want.”
And with a clap of his hands, the angel
brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly
but soon dashed for the bushes, from
which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.
Fifteen minutes later, the two statues
emerged from the bushes, wide grins on
their faces.
“You still have fifteen more minutes,” said
the angel, winking knowingly.
Grinning even more widely the female
“You are all part of our team now,” said
statue turned to the male statue and said,
the Human Resources rep during the
“Great!
welcoming briefing. “You get all the usual
Only this time you hold the pigeon down
benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for
and I’ll poop on it’s head.”
something to eat, but please don’t eat any
~:~
employees.”
Bill died, leaving a will that provided
The cannibals promised they would not.
$30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the
Four weeks later their boss remarked,
last of the visitors departed the services,
“You’re all working very hard and I’m
his wife, Lynne, turned to her dearest
satisfied with your work. We have noticed
friend, Sue, and said, “Well, I think Bill
a marked increase in the whole company’s
would be pleased.”
performance. However, one of our sec“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Sue, who
retaries has disappeared. Do any of you
then lowered her voice and leaned in
know what happened to her?”
close. “How much did this really cost?”
The cannibals all shook their heads, “No.”
“All of it,” said Lynne. “All thirty thouAfter the boss had left, the leader of the
sand.”
cannibals said to the others, “Which one of
“No!” Sue exclaimed. “I mean, it was very you idiots ate the secretary?” A hand rose
nice, but $30,000?”
hesitantly. “You fool!” the leader continLynne replied, “Yes. The funeral was
ued. “For four weeks we’ve been eating
$6,500; I donated $500 to the church, and
managers and no one noticed anything.
the wake, food and drinks were another
But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat
$500. The rest went for the Memorial
someone who actually does something.”
Stone.”
~:~
Sue computed quickly and asked,
Have you ever tried to actually wrap any
“$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My good- bubbles with bubble wrap?
ness, how big is it?”
~:~
“Two and a half carats.”
~:~
Heritage and Culture column
Two little boys go into the grocery store.
coming soon.
One is nine, one is four. The nine-year-old
We need your input. If you have some
grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and
interesting facts about the culture ,
carries it to the register for check-out. The
history, or heritage of African, Hispanic,
cashier asks “Oh, these must be for your
Native American, or Asian peoples,
mom, huh?”
please send us the information so we
The nine-year-old replies, “Nope, not for
can include it in the related articles.
my mom.” Without thinking, the cashier
responded, “Well, they must be for your
Pictures of people, artifacts, food, art,
sister then?” The nine-year-old responded,
and/or anything to do with the culture
“Nope, not for my sister either.”
will help immensly. Contributors will
The cashier had now become curious.
be given credit in the magazine.
“Oh. Not for your mom and not for your
Pictures can be returned if you enclose
sister -- then who are they for?”
a SASE when you send them in. If you
The nine-year old says, “They’re for my
want us to write an article about another
four-year-old little brother.”
culture, let us know and we will add it
The cashier is surprised: “Your four yearto the list.
old-brother?”
Please send your information and
The nine-year-old explains: “Well yeah,
pictures to:
they say on TV if you wear one of these,
you can swim or ride a bike -- and my
The Insider Magazine
little brother can’t do either of those
Culture Department
things.”
PO Box 829
~:~
Hillsboro, OR 97123
Recently, a large corporation hired several
cannibals to increase their diversity,
The Insider Magazine May/June 2007 page 9
What’s Your Beef?
David D. from NY writes to complain
about treatment of inmates at a NY facility.
His letter was several pages long; much
too large to print in this column, so I will
attempt to summarize his complaint and
leave enough room to provide an answer.
Ed.
David’s claims that the warden is not following laws, rules and policy as outlined
in the Constitution of The United States,
and NY State DOCS, claiming that the
Warden has a tendency to “sweep everything under the rug and ignore your duty
to make regular/reasonable inquiries into
the activities of your subordinates.” He
states that he has informed the warden that
he is a former cross-dressing male prostitute and an overt homosexual. He claims
to have been raped by other inmates several times, with the encouragement of the
officers who continually call him discriminatory names and make derogotory remarks about him to other inmates. David
sites the Prison Rape Elimination Act of
2003 and several specifically named policies from the NYS DOCS. He also states
that NYS DOC has a zero tolerence policy
for sexual abuse, as well as a policy that
forbids homosexual or bisexual inmates to
be housed in double man cells. David also
states that the prison administration claims
to have no evidence of sexual assault,
thereby proving his cover up claim.
David has a secondary complaint against
the warden concerning medical treatment
for a lung disorder, but I will not address
that issue at this time.
In an addendum, David asks that this
particular warden be investigated by an
independent board not associated with
NY State. In this addendum Davis says
that this warden has had at least 7 civil
complaints filed against him at three
different prisons. He goes on to quote
Pat Noland of The National Prison Rape
Commission who said that prisons that
hide or cover up rapes and crimes will
be penelized. He claims to have written
to Mr. Noland, but when David’s family
called his office, Mr. Noland’s boss said
that they never received the letter. Now
David beleives that the mail room has
been “stealing” his mail.
10 The Insider Magazine May/June2007
David also included a notorized copy of
time. This way you will have a witness to
his affidavit of service andverification
things said by the guards or other inmates,
statement.
and will have an eye-witness to any
Dear David.
additional assaults. The upside of doing
I sympathize with your situation and
this is that it may prevent any further
understand how frustrated you have
assaults all together.
become with the living situation at that
This is a very serious situation in many
facility. There is apparantly something
prisons. If anyone has had a similar
very wrong with the system if these things
experience, I encourage them to write the
are allowed to continue. You said that
ACLU about them. Best of luck to you
you had written to the ACLU about the
David. Ed.
situation. I suggest
that you have a
family member or
someone you trust
check with them to
see if they received
your complaint, and
if they are interested
in pursuing justice
on your behalf. If
you know of other
inmates who have
Originally titled Prison Gals / Prison Guys Pen Pal Directory,
suffered the same
this full color directory will be on news stands across the
things you have
country as well as on the internet. The full name and address
in your facility,
of each advertiser will be printed below their picture, along
you might suggest
with a brief list of interests. Unlike other services, there is
that they join the
no charge for people to write to you.
fray and send their
Option 1. Your full color ad printed in a publication that
complaint to the
people can keep forever and share with others; And we will
ACLU to be joined
put your ad on our website for one full year! You get double
together with your
the exposure for the small price of $27.00.
complaint. If your
family can remember
Option 2. Your full color ad on the America’s Pen Pal
the details of the
website, for a full year for just $10.00.
events as you tell
Ads are welcome from inmates, outsiders, and soldiers.
them, perhaps they
can file your formal
Forty Thousand copies of the magazine will be on
complaint from the
newsstands and in bookstores across the country. Additional
outside. At least
copies will be sent overseas to soldiers.
their words will
We will send you a free copy of the magazine if allowed into
not be censored
your facility. Please send your institutional check or M/O,
by an over zelous
a good color photo, full name, address, age, and a brief list
mailroom clerk.
of interests to:
In the meantime,
America’s Pen Pal Directory
find yourself another
848 N. Rainbow Blvd. #1467
inmate whom you
Las Vegas, NV 89107
can trust and who
*Include SASE if you want your photo returned.
is willing to be
a witness to any
America’s Pen Pal Directory reserves the right to edit your
happenings on the
ad copy. Please, no offensive material. Your photo should be
inside, and stick
a good clean copy, preferrably a head shot.
close to him all the
Post-a-Noteto someone special...
want to tell the
whole world ........
I
Tell a special someone how much you love them or how
proud you are of them. You can let your feelings show
in a big way and they will be able to return their feelings
in the same way. Limit: 35 words
To My Sunshine (Travion McCraw)
Our love has stood the
test of time and it keeps
us coming back for more
and more. So please
know that I am here to
love you through it all.
I’m not going anywhere.
I PROMISE
Your Love (forever)
Jange McCraw
Post-A-Note messages are $12.00
and include a free copy to your
receipient. Send M/O or Institution
check with your message to:
The Insider Post-A-Note,
PO Box 829,
Hillsboro, OR 97123
The staff at The Insider
Magazine wishes to thank all
of the generous inmates who
contributed to send copies of the
magazine overseas to American
Servicemen. We have matched
the contributions and have sent
over 500 magazines so far.
Keep up the great work!
Mysteries
The Case of the Gold Digger
Detective Palumbo had just ordered a drink at the bar in the
Tahoe motel when a young man with sun-bleached golden
hair and tanned cheeks sat on the stool beside him.
After ordering a scotch and water, the sunburned man nodded toward the gaming tables. “My name is John Patmos,”
he said genially. “It’s great to be back in civilization and hear
people and money talking out loud.”
Palumbo introduced himself. “I guess you’ve been out in the
desert?”
“Yeah, I got back yesterday,” said Patmos. “Washed the dust
out of my ears, had a barber shave off my seven months of
whiskers and trim my hair. Then I bought a whole wardrobe
on credit. All I had to do was show my assay report. Boy am
I going to celebrate.”
“You found gold?,” inquired Palumbo.
“Yes sir. Hit the big load.” Patmos stroked his bronzed chin
12 The Insider Magazine May/June 2007
thoughtfully; then in a low voice he said, “if I can find a
backer, I’ll take enough out of those hills to buy ten pleasure
palaces like this one. Of course, I’m not trying to interest
you. But, if you know someone who’d like to get in on a sure
thing, let me know. I’m staying in room 510. Can’t give out
the details here, you understand.”
“I understand,” said Palumbo, “that you’d better improve
your story if you want to sucker someone into a deal that’s
worthless.” How did Palumbo know the story was fictitious?
Answer:
Palumbo had no doubt that the whole story was fabricated.
Patmos said he had a barber shave off 7 months of whiskers,
yet his face and chin were tanned. If he hadn’t shaved for
seven months, his face would be white where the whiskers
were not tanned!!
Monster Trucks
What are monster trucks?
Approximately 11 feet tall and about
12 feet wide, monster trucks are
custom-designed machines that sit
atop 66-inch-tall tires and weigh a
minimum of 9,000 pounds. Built for
short, high-powered bursts of speed,
monster trucks generate 1,500 to
2,000 horsepower and are capable of
speeds of up to 100 miles per hour.
Monster trucks can travel 125 to 130
feet (a distance greater than 14 cars
side by side) and up to 25 feet in the
air.
At USHRA-sanctioned events, monster trucks face off in two different
forms of competition -- side-by-side
racing and freestyle. Side-by-side
racing is traditional bracket racing,
where the first truck (with the least
amount of penalties) that crosses the
finish line is the winner. The freestyle
competition allows drivers a limited
amount of time on an open floor to
show off their skills. In this category,
the fans can serve as the judges.
There are approximately 300 monster
trucks in action in the United States.
Many only make appearances at
local events and don’t compete
on a national basis. The USHRA
selects the fastest, safest, and most modern
vehicles to compete in the Monster Jam
Series. The top name monster trucks, those
who run in the USHRA Monster Jam Series,
often have duplicate trucks for multiple
appearances throughout the country. Some
of the top names include: Grave Digger,
Maximum Destruction, Madusa, Avenger,
Bounty Hunter, Sudden Impact, Predator,
Gunslinger and Bulldozer.
Cars, as well as vans, buses, motor homes,
airplanes and ambulances, are attained
from local junkyards and returned after
each event. Full-size steel body cars are
the vehicles typically crushed during an
event. More than 3,000 cars are crushed
each year.
Monster Size Numbers:
Trucks: Usually 11 feet tall and about 12
feet wide, a monster truck must weigh
a minimum of 9,000 pounds, with some
monster trucks weighing as much as 12,000
pounds. The less the body weighs, the
more strength and weight can be put into
the frame and engine without sacrificing
speed and maneuverability. Average cost:
$150,000.
Engines: Custom-built, supercharged
and methanol-injected, a monster truck
engine burns up to 2.5 gallons of methanol
per run (approximately 250 feet). The
size of the motor is limited to 575 cubic
feet, according to United States Hot Rod
Association (USHRA) regulations. The
average monster truck team will go through
five engines in one year. Average cost per
engine: $35,000.
Body: Made of fiberglass, a monster truck
body is custom designed. A fiberglass
company generally owns the mold to the
design. Average initial cost: $50,000.
Average cost of remakes: $3,000.
Tires: Manufactured by Goodyear and
Firestone, monster truck tires must be 66
inches high and 43 inches wide. The average
monster truck team will go through eight
tires in one year. Tires are customized and
hand cut to accommodate track conditions.
Cutting one tire takes approximately 50
hours. Average cost: $2,600 each.
Shocks: Most monster trucks run with
nitrogen gas shocks. Some trucks run
with one shock per tire, while others
run with as many as two per tire. The
complete shock package includes
a coil-over-shock kit and spring.
Average cost: $1,250 each.
Paint: A monster truck must be painted
to cover the rough fiberglass body.
Airbrushing logos and specialized
artwork add to the cost. Average cost:
$3,500.
Race Team Budget: A monster truck
team incurs a number of expenses
throughout the year from repairs and
maintenance on a monster truck and
the hauler to fuel, racing uniforms,
lodging and food. Average cost per
year: $250,000.
2007 World Finals:
Trucks: USHRA Monster Trucks
and more including: Grave Digger,
Maximum Destruction, Bounty
Hunter, El Toro Loco, Avenger,
Blue Thunder, Batman, Superman,
Iron Outlaw, Hot Wheels, Air Force
Afterburner, Monster Mutt, Monster
Mutt Dalmatian, Taz, Safe Auto
Minimizer, The Destroyer, Scarlet
Bandit, An Escalade, Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtle & Suzuki, Brutus, King
Krunch, Captain’s Curse & Pastrana 199.
Weekend Race Recap
Saturday 7:00pm - Monster Jam crowned
two new first time World Champions
Saturday night when John Seasock drove
Batman to the racing title and Pablo
Huffaker wheeled his new Captain’s Curse
to the freestyle victory during Monster Jam
World Finals 8 at Sam Boyd Stadium in
Las Vegas.
After Jimmy Creten won the Double Down
Trophy for being the fastest qualifier Friday
night in Bounty Hunter the track became
difficult for many of the top racers Saturday
night when the teams squared off in bracket
racing to determine the 2007 champ. A
balanced bracket led to lots of close races
and several surprises that began when top
seed Creten was eliminated, falling to Neil
Elliot and Hot Wheels. Seasock beat Damon
Bradshaw in the Air Force Afterburner in
his initial race as the Batman pilot in the
The Insider Magazine May/June2007 13
Monster Trucks
World Finals and followed that up with a Escalade def King Krunch, Dalamatian def
quarter final round triumph against Hot El Toro Loco
Wheels and a semifinal win over Charlie 2nd round - Hot Wheels def Bounty Hunter,
Pauken in Monster Mutt to earn his spot in Batman def Air Force, Monster Mutt def
the championship race against defending Blue Thunder, Maximum Destruction def
champion Dennis Anderson and Grave Brutus, Iron Outlaw def Destroyer, Captain’s
Curse def Scarlet Bandit, Grave Digger def
Digger.
The race to determine the ‘07 champ Escalade, Safe Auto def Dalmatian 3rd
was even at the end of Thunder Alley but round - Batman def Hot Wheels, Monster
Seasock handled the tricky turn better and Mutt def Maximum Destruction, Captain’s
Curse def Iron Outlaw, Grave Digger def
claimed his first World Championship.
The freestyle competition on a course full Safe Auto Semifinals - Batman def Monster
of the most extreme obstacles
ever produced, as expected, the
most spectacular moments of
the season. Early highlights saw
Linsey Weenk in Iron Outlaw,
Marc McDonald in the Safe
Auto Minimizer, and Bradshaw
sharing the Hot Wheels Hot
Seat with scores of 29 until
Huffaker’s clock filling, high
energy, big air performance
took over the number one spot
with a score of 34 from the
judges. Huffaker would hold
the top spot as seven more of
the world’s best freestylers took
Two monster trucks come out of Thunder Alley
their shot but could not keep
into the Sam Boyd Stadium where they will make
Pablo from his first world title. Dennis
the final turn and jump the final obstical.
Anderson got the closest with a score of
30 and defending champ Toim Meents
was brilliant in Maximum Destruction Mutt, Grave Digger def Captain’s Curse
but left 25 seconds on the clock when his 2007 WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP RACE run ended and Huffaker had the title in BATMAN DEFEATED GRAVE DIGGER
Captain’s Curse. In a freestyle competition FREESTYLE RESULTS
full of WOW moments the one that may be CAPTAIN’S CURSE. 34
the most remebered was Superman’s final Grave Digger. 30
move when Chad Fortune stuck his truck Iron Outlaw. 29
straight up in the air in the middle of the Air Force Afterburner. 29
double bus stack, his Ford standing straight Safe Auto Minimizer. 29
Maximum Destruction. 28
up in the air, balanced on its nose.
After the completion of the event virtually Taz. 26
every fan in the sold out stadium remained Team Suzuki. 26
and was thrilled by the encore, a celebration Scarlet Bandit. 24
of Grave Digger’s 25th anniversary that Destroyer. 23
featured 5 Team Grave Digger trucks Superman. 21
Blue Thunder. 21
freestyling on the track at the same time!
Monster Mutt. 21
RACING RESULTS
Pastrana 199. 20
Fast qualifier - Bounty Hunter 15.84
1st round - Hot Wheels def Pastrana 199, Avenger. 20
Air Force def Taz, Blue Thunder def Team King Krunch. 19
Suzuki, Brutus def Avenger, Turtle def El Toro Loco. 17
Destroyer, Captain’s Curse def Superman, Escalade. 16
Brutus. 12
14 The Insider Magazine May/June2007
Dalmatian. 9
Freestyle History and Development
The earliest monster truck competitions
were rudimentary freestyle events. Drivers
would crush cars and perform wheelies and
would typically be judged by the audience
in a “cheer-off”, where the truck that got
the most applause was determined to be the
winner. As monster truck racing developed
in the late 1980s, freestyle was relegated
to an exhibition exclusive event, and was
almost non-existent for a portion of the
early 1990s.
Freestyle entered back into the
sport as some drivers, notably
Dennis Anderson and Mike
Welch, began asking promoters if
they could bring their trucks out
for an extra freestyle exhibition
for the fans when they were
eliminated from racing in early
rounds from breakage. They were
given permission to do so often
and the positive crowd response
was noted by the promoters, who
then decided it would be a good
addition to all shows.
In the middle of the 1990s,
freestyle was added to most
monster truck events as an exhibition
segment for all trucks. The segment served
two purposes: first, it gave the crowd the
wheelies, long jumps, and donuts that
they wanted and were not usually a part
of racing; second, it brought the trucks out
for a longer period of time in front of the
audience, allowing for shows with fewer
trucks and fewer rounds of racing.
By the end of the 1990s, freestyle had
become an anticipated part of shows and
the drivers had begun to develop their own
individual tricks, as well as informally
competing to put on the best show for
bragging rights. This, combined with the
Motor Madness television show format of
one event spread out over two episodes,
influenced the USHRA’s decision to turn
freestyle into a judged competition that
would also count toward a championship.
Currently, while not every promoter runs
a championship for it, most promoters run
freestyle as a competitive event at shows in
conjunction with racing.
continued on page 14
Monster Trucks
Captain’s Curse during freestyle
Rules and format
Freestyle competitions typically run
in conjunction with racing events, and
typically share the same basic track setup.
Modifications can be made to the racing
obstacles, however, to make them more
suitable for freestyle. This usually involves
removing ramps to give the trucks a more
vertical take-off from the cars, and even
stacking cars or adding vans to a set of
vehicles used in racing. Separate freestyle
obstacles are also usually placed in the
competition area outside the boundaries of
the race course. These obstacles can include
dirt hills, extra rows of cars, recreational
vehicles or trailer homes to drive through,
or what are termed as “pyramids” - an
obstacle that uses vehicles of increasing
sizes to form a kind of stair set for trucks
to climb up. A typical “pyramid” is known
as a car-van-bus-van-car pyramid, called
such because the
trucks climb over
the vehicles in that
order.
There are several
variations on the
judging of freestyle
(depending on the
promoter), but they
all share a common
thread in that they
usually involve the
spectators having
some say in who
the winner is. Some
promoters
still
use the applausebased “cheer-off”
method, however
scorecard based judging, as is done in
the
USHRA,
is
increasing
in use. In this
method, a set of
judges is chosen
to score runs
individually on
a scale from one
to ten, one being
the worst score
and ten being
the best. These
individual
scores are then
added up to
give the total score. At most events, three
judges are used and the best possible score
is thirty; at the Monster Jam World Finals
six judges (all from within the industry
and not fans) are used and the lowest and
highest scores are thrown out
for a maximum total of forty.
Basic judging criteria includes:
Amount of allotted time used
Amount of speed maintained
during run
Aggression in hitting obstacles
Height, length, and verticality
of jumps
Use of specific tricks (slap
wheelies, donuts, etc.)
Getting the truck out of situations
which would otherwise result in
a crash (“saves”)
Spectacular moments (can
often add significantly to the score of an
otherwise unimpressive run)
My thoughts on the main event: When the
24 Monster Trucks paraded around the
infield amid the fireworks, revving engines
and spinning tires, and the smoke and smell
of spent fuel and oil filled the air, the stands
shuddered from the pounding vibrations
of the open exhausts and the crowd was
lifted to their feet by the excitement. The
surreal behemouths circled just three times,
but it was enough to disguise the field like
LA smog but with the smell of raw power
sending testoserone to every part of my
being. I knew right then and there that this
was going to be a night to remember. I was
not dissappointed.
The racing was better than I had ever
imagined. The trucks roared down Thunder
Alley into the stadium at top speed using all
of their 1500 horsepower
to propel their ten
thousand pound mass
down the straightaway,
Left: Monster Mutt
tries to take out a
trailer and goes
vertical... then flips on
his lid. (below) That
ended his freestyle
competition.
then negotiated the 180 degree turn at the
end of the stadium and powered over the
obsticle to fly through the air across the
finish line. All of this took less than twenty
seconds. Some of the trucks had a difficult
time negotiating the final turn or didn’t hit
the final jump just right and flipped over
and crashed (see the Teenage Mutent Ninja
Turtle truck on the next page). Some of the
heats were so close the judges had to refer
to playbacks to determine the winner. There
The Insider Magazine May/June2007
15
were several upsets as favorites were
eliminated. The final race was between two
trucks that had never won before, and that
led to a new (unlikely) champion: Batman.
(See photo, right.)
The odds on favorites to win the freestyle
event were Grave Digger and Maximum
Destruction, with Bounty Hunter and
Iron Outlaw also top contenders. All gave
great performances, but in the end it was
newcomer Captain’s Curse who prevailed.
Driver Pablo Huffaker, who normally
drives for the Grave Digger team, used his
skills to wow the crowd and capture the title
for World Champion Freestyle. Captain’s
Curse is normally driven by Pablo’s wife
except for the World Finals in Las Vegas.
Tom Meents started freestyle brilliantly
with several big air jumps including a huge
fifty footer that snapped his rear axle in half
upon landing. I had never seen anything like
it. The jump was the highest ever, and to see
that rear axle just snap like a
dry twig, dimping all the oil
and tilting the tires out like a
giant weight was places on the
truck was absolutely amazing.
Tom was so pumped he still
tried to continue driving Max
D to complete his freestyle
event, but the truck would not
cooperate. What heart! Kudos
Batman Wins the Racing Championship in a surprising upset.
Above and Left: Chad
Fortune makes the first
jump, but then flips the
Superman truck in the air
and lands it on its nose,
where it stayed perfectly
balanced. (A Monster
Jam first!)
to Tom Meents! He is truly a champion.
Not to take away from Dennis Anderson;
the granddaddy of freestyle. Dennis puts
his heart and soul into freestyle and puts
on a great show for the fans. His freestyle
was spectacular, with doughnuts, jumps
and smashes. Unfortunately, Dennis rolled
Grave Digger over a few seconds before
the end of the timed event and lost a couple
of points for not filling the clock. Still a
great show. Dennis then came back after
the show was over and put on a spectacular
display using his chromed 25th anniversary
16 The Insider Magazine May/June2007
Grave Digger truck along with five other
Grave Digger trucks. There were four Grave
Diggers doing doughnuts all at once, then four
Grave Diggers doing syncronized jumps in
two different directions. The all bedlam broke
loose and all of the Grave Diggers freestyled
at all at the same time until every one of them
had crashed or rolled over, leaving a virtual
graveyard of monster trucks amid the smoke
and dust. What a spectacular performance to
celebrate the twenty fifth anniversary of driving
monster trucks by superstar Dennis Anderson.
Words cannot describe how awesome this event
was. I have already bought my tickets for next
year’s World Finals. I can hardly wait!
Above and Left: Teenage
Ninga Mutant Turtle hit the jump
slightly off course and the Turtle
landed on its lid during the racing event. Needless to say, he lost
the race. We noticed the body
was replaced or repaired for the
freestyle event.
How Many Legs?
Spiral or Circles?
The Insider Magazine May/June 2007
page 17
Crossword
18
The Insider Magazine May/June2007
DOWN
1. Civil-rights monogram
2. Agnus —
3. 1984 film about Northern
Ireland
4. Eating tool
5. Modern Minoan
6. Urban inn
7. Prove true
8. According to
9. Ascorbic acid
10. Composer Stravinsky
11. Trudeau’s land
12. Photographer Richard
13. Take umbrage at
18. Office note
19. Muffet’sbane
22. Fitting
23. Engendered
24. Long ago
25. Is in accord 28. Mongrels
ACROSS
1. CLXXxX
5. Crack from exposure
9. Parish cleric
14. Wife of Jacob
15. Keep on the move
16. Philanthropist’s claim
17. Significant events?
20. Piper who picked
21. Easter event
22. Really wretched
25. Palmer or Perry
26. Sea of Azov feeder
27. Atomic item
28. Nice region
29. Myrmecophile’s housemate
30. Tootsie’s Garr
31. Flemish artist
33. Muffin-pan pastry?
38. Fife player
39. Sites for scientists
41. Canine command
44. People on the other side
45. Ogle
47. In the manner of
48. Lowly COs
49. European republic
50. — Mae (student loan funding)
52. Hammered instruments
53. Wasteful in major matters?
58. Cain’s boy
59. Admiral qualifier
60. Germ cell
61. End of the line
62. Concerning
63. Proofreader’s prey
DOWN, continued
31. Ceremonies
32. King thriller
34. Airborne
35. Riot profiteer
36. River between Europe and Asia
37. Abba of Israel
40. Porcine pen
41. Sunned
42. Galahad’s mom
43. Run all-out
45. Maiden in ‘The Raven”
46. Hence 49. Make it big
51. Bats
52. Hoover’s horde
54. Uris hero
55. Wall climber
56. Eat late
57. Medical-care meddler, to some
Classic Books
The Five Orange Pips by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
When I glance over my notes and records of the
Sherlock Holmes cases between the years ‘82
and ‘90, I am faced by so many which present
strange and interesting features that it is no easy
matter to know which to choose and which to
leave. Some, however, have already gained publicity through the papers, and others have not offered a field for those peculiar qualities which
my friend possessed in so high a degree, and
which it is the object of these papers to illustrate. Some, too, have baffled his analytical skill,
and would be, as narratives, beginnings without
an ending, while others have been but partially
cleared up, and have their explanations founded
rather upon conjecture and surmise than on that
absolute logical proof which was so dear to him.
There is, however, one of these last which was
so remarkable in its details and so startling in its
results that I am tempted to give some account
of it in spite of the fact that there are points in
connection with it which never have been, and
probably never will be, entirely cleared up.
The year ‘87 furnished us with a long series
of cases of greater or less interest, of which I retain the records. Among my headings under this
one twelve months I find an account of the adventure of the Paradol Chamber, of the Amateur
Mendicant Society, who held a luxurious club in
the lower vault of a furniture warehouse, of the
facts connected with the loss of the British bark
Sophy Anderson, of the singular adventures of
the Grice Patersons in the island of Uffa, and
finally of the Camberwell poisoning case. In the
latter, as may be remembered, Sherlock Holmes
was able, by winding up the dead man’s watch,
to prove that it had been wound up two hours
before, and that therefore the deceased had gone
to bed within that time -- a deduction which was
of the greatest importance in clearing up the
case. All these I may sketch out at some future
date, but none of them present such singular features as the strange train of circumstances which
I have now taken up my pen to describe.
C
R A
O N
S S
S W
W E
O R
R S
D
It was in the latter days of September, and
the equinoctial gales had set in with exceptional
violence. All day the wind had screamed and
the rain had beaten against the windows, so that
even here in the heart of great, hand-made London we were forced to raise our minds for the instant from the routine of life and to recognize the
presence of those great elemental forces which
shriek at mankind through the bars of his civilization, like untamed beasts in a cage. As evening drew in, the storm grew higher and louder,
and the wind cried and sobbed like a child in the
chimney. Sherlock Holmes sat moodily at one
side of the fireplace cross-indexing his records
of crime, while I at the other was deep in one
of Clark Russell’s fine sea-stories until the howl
of the gale from without seemed to blend with
the text, and the splash of the rain to lengthen
out into the long swash of the sea waves. My
wife was on a visit to her mother’s, and for a
few days I was a dweller once more in my old
quarters at Baker Street.
“Why,” said I, glancing up at my companion,
“that was surely the bell. Who could come tonight? Some friend of yours, perhaps?”
“Except yourself I have none,” he answered.
“I do not encourage visitors.”
“A client, then?”
“If so, it is a serious case. Nothing less would
bring a man out on such a day and at such an
hour. But I take it that it is more likely to be
some crony of the landlady’s.”
Sherlock Holmes was wrong in his conjecture, however, for there came a step in the passage and a tapping at the door. He stretched out
his long arm to turn the lamp away from himself
and towards the vacant chair upon which a newcomer must sit.
“Come in!” said he.
The man who entered was young, some twoand-twenty at the outside, well-groomed and
trimly clad, with something of refinement and
delicacy in his bearing. The streaming umbrella
which he held in his hand, and his long shining
waterproof told of the fierce weather through
which he had come. He looked about him anxiously in the glare of the lamp, and I could see
that his face was pale and his eyes heavy, like
those of a man who is weighed down with some
great anxiety.
“I owe you an apology,” he said, raising his
golden pince-nez to his eyes. “I trust that I am
not intruding. I fear that I have brought some
traces of the storm and rain into your snug
chamber.”
“Give me your coat and umbrella,” said Holmes. “They may rest here on the hook and will
be dry presently. You have come up from the
south-west, I see.”
“Yes, from Horsham.”
“That clay and chalk mixture which I see upon
your toe caps is quite distinctive.”
“I have come for advice.”
“That is easily got.”
“And help.”
“That is not always so easy.”
“I have heard of you, Mr. Holmes. I heard
from Major Prendergast how you saved him in
the Tankerville Club scandal.”
“Ah, of course. He was wrongfully accused
of cheating at cards.”
“He said that you could solve anything.”
“He said too much.”
“That you are never beaten.”
“I have been beaten four times -- three times
by men, and once by a woman.”
“But what is that compared with the number
of your successes?”
“It is true that I have been generally successful.”
“Then you may be so with me.”
“I beg that you will draw your chair up to the
fire and favor me with some details as to your
case.”
“It is no ordinary one.”
“None of those which come to me are. I am the
last court of appeal.”
“And yet I question, sir, whether, in all your
continued on page 20
S
U
D
O
K
U
Jumbles: BEFIT FAKIR UNLOAD MUCOUS
Answer:What happened to the girl with the
hourglass figure? TIME RAN OUT
Jumbles: MOGUL GOUTY WEEVIL CASKET
Answer: What some weekend guests wear:
OUT THEIR WELCOME
Jumbles: JOLLY IMBUE TACKLE PITIED
Answer: When open, it provides drinks:
A BOTTLE
Jumbles: LYING BANAL MURMUR SALOON
Answer: When this happens, you might expect a
prearranged uprising: THE ALARM RINGS
The Case of the Untimely Blackmailer, answer: They both knew there is no June 31st.
The Insider Magazine May/June 2007
page 19
Classic Books
The Five Orange Pips by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
experience, you have ever listened to a more mysterious and inexplicable chain of events than those
which have happened in my own family.”
“You fill me with interest,” said Holmes. “Pray
give us the essential facts from the commencement, and I can afterwards question you as to those
details which seem to me to be most important.”
The young man pulled his chair up and pushed
his wet feet out towards the blaze.
“My name,” said he, “is John Openshaw, but my
own affairs have, as far as I can understand, little
to do with this awful business. It is a hereditary
matter; so in order to give you an idea of the facts,
I must go back to the commencement of the affair.
“You must know that my grandfather had two
sons -- my uncle Elias and my father Joseph. My
father had a small factory at Coventry, which he
enlarged at the time of the invention of bicycling.
He was a patentee of the Openshaw unbreakable
tire, and his business met with such success that he
was able to sell it and to retire upon a handsome
competence.
“My uncle Elias emigrated to America when he
was a young man and became a planter in Florida,
where he was reported to have done very well. At
the time of the war he fought in Jackson’s army,
and afterwards under Hood, where he rose to be a
colonel. When Lee laid down his arms my uncle
returned to his plantation, where he remained for
three or four years. About 1869 or 1870 he came
back to Europe and took a small estate in Sussex,
near Horsham. He had made a very considerable
fortune in the States, and his reason for leaving
them was his aversion to the negroes, and his
dislike of the Republican policy in extending
the franchise to them. He was a singular man,
fierce and quick-tempered, very foul-mouthed
when he was angry, and of a most retiring disposition. During all the years that he lived at
Horsham, I doubt if ever he set foot in the town.
He had a garden and two or three fields round
his house, and there he would take his exercise,
though very often
for weeks on end
he would never
leave his room.
He drank a great
deal of brandy
and smoked very
heavily, but he
would see no society and did not want any friends, not even his
own brother.
“He didn’t mind me; in fact, he took a fancy
to me, for at the time when he saw me first I was
a youngster of twelve or so. This would be in
the year 1878, after he had been eight or nine
years in England. He begged my father to let me
live with him and he was very kind to me in his
way. When he was sober he used to be fond of
playing backgammon and draughts with me, and
he would make me his representative both with
the servants and with the tradespeople, so that by
the time that I was sixteen I was quite master of
the house. I kept all the keys and could go where
I liked and do what I liked, so long as I did not
disturb him in his privacy. There was one singular
exception, however, for he had a single room, a
lumber-room up among the attics, which was invariably locked, and which he would never permit
either me or anyone else to enter. With a boy’s
curiosity I have peeped through the keyhole, but I
was never able to see more than such a collection
of old trunks and bundles as would be expected in
such a room.
“One day -- it was in March, 1883 -- a letter
with a foreign stamp lay upon the table in front of
the colonel’s plate. It was not a common thing for
him to receive letters, for his bills were all paid in
ready money, and he had no friends of any sort.
‘From India!’ said he as he took it up, ‘Pondicherry postmark! What can this be?’ Opening it
hurriedly, out there jumped five little dried orange
pips, which pattered down upon his plate. I began
to laugh at this, but the laugh was struck from my
lips at the sight of his face. His lip had fallen, his
eyes were protruding, his skin the color of putty,
Answers on Page 17
20
The Insider Magazine May/June 2007
Classic Books
The Five Orange Pips by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
and he glared at the envelope which he still held
in his trembling hand, ‘K. K. K.!’ he shrieked, and
then, ‘My God, my God, my sins have overtaken
me!’
“’What is it, uncle?’ I cried.
“’Death,’ said he, and rising from the table he
retired to his room, leaving me palpitating with
horror. I took up the envelope and saw scrawled
in red ink upon the inner flap, just above the gum,
the letter K three times repeated. There was nothing else save the five dried pips. What could be the
reason of his overpowering terror? I left the breakfast-table, and as I ascended the stair I met him
coming down with an old rusty key, which must
have belonged to the attic, in one hand, and a small
brass box, like a cashbox, in the other.
“’They may do what they like, but I’ll checkmate
them still,’ said he with an oath. ‘Tell Mary that I
shall want a fire in my room to-day, and send down
to Fordham, the Horsham lawyer.’
“I did as he ordered, and when the lawyer arrived
I was asked to step up to the room. The fire was
burning brightly, and in the grate there was a mass
of black, fluffy ashes, as of burned paper, while
the brass box stood open and empty beside it. As I
glanced at the box I noticed, with a start, that upon
the lid was printed the treble K which I had read in
the morning upon the envelope.
“’I wish you, John,’ said my uncle, ‘to witness my
will. I leave my estate, with all its advantages and
all its disadvantages, to my brother, your father,
whence it will, no doubt, descend to you. If you
can enjoy it in peace, well and good! If you find
you cannot, take my advice, my boy, and leave it
to your deadliest enemy. I am sorry to give you
such a two-edged thing, but I can’t say what turn
things are going to take. Kindly sign the paper
where Mr. Fordham shows you.’
“I signed the paper as directed, and the lawyer
took it away with him. The singular incident made,
as you may think, the deepest impression upon me,
and I pondered over it and turned it every way in
my mind without being able to make anything of
it. Yet I could not shake off the vague feeling of
dread which it left behind, though the sensation
grew less keen as the weeks passed and nothing
happened to disturb the usual routine of our lives.
I could see a change in my uncle, however. He
drank more than ever, and he was less inclined
for any sort of society. Most of his time he would
spend in his room, with the door locked upon the
inside, but sometimes he would emerge in a sort of
drunken frenzy and would burst out of the house
and tear about the garden with a revolver in his
hand, screaming out that he was afraid of no man,
and that he was not to be cooped up, like a sheep
in a pen, by man or devil. When these hot fits were
over however, he would rush tumultuously in at
the door and lock and bar it behind him, like a man
who can brazen it out no longer against the terror
which lies at the roots of his soul. At such times what he called my cock-and-bull story about the
I have seen his face, even on a cold day, glis- colonel, but he looked very scared and puzzled
ten with moisture, as though it were new raised now that the same thing had come upon himself.
“’Why, what on earth does this mean, John?’ he
from a basin.
“Well, to come to an end of the matter, Mr. stammered.
“My heart had turned to lead. ‘It is K. K. K.,’
Holmes, and not to abuse your patience, there
came a night when he made one of those drunk- said I.
“He looked inside the envelope. ‘So it is,’ he
en sallies from which he never came back. We
found him, when we went to search for him, cried. ‘Here are the very letters. But what is this
face downward in a little green-scummed pool, written above them?’
“’Put the papers on the sundial,’ I read, peeping
which lay at the foot of the garden. There was
no sign of any violence, and the water was but over his shoulder.
“’What papers? What sundial?’ he asked.
two feet deep, so that the jury, having regard to
“’The sundial in the garden. There is no other,’
his known eccentricity, brought in a verdict of
‘suicide.’ But I, who knew how he winced from said I; ‘but the papers must be those that are dethe very thought of death, had much ado to per- stroyed.’
“’Pooh!’ said he, gripping hard at his courage.
suade myself that he had gone out of his way
to meet it. The matter passed, however, and my ‘We are in a civilized land here, and we can’t have
father entered into possession of the estate, and tomfoolery of this kind. Where does the thing
of some 14,000 pounds, which lay to his credit come from?’
“’From Dundee,’ I answered, glancing at the
at the bank.”
“One moment,” Holmes interposed, “your state- postmark.
“’Some preposterous practical joke,’ said he.
ment is, I foresee, one of the most remarkable to
which I have ever listened. Let me have the date ‘What have I to do with sundials and papers? I
of the reception by your uncle of the letter, and shall take no notice of such nonsense.’
“’I should certainly speak to the police,’ I said.
the date of his supposed suicide.”
“’And be laughed at for my pains. Nothing of
“The letter arrived on March 10, 1883. His
death was seven weeks later, upon the night of the sort.’
“‘Then let me do so?’
May 2d.” “Thank you. Pray proceed.”
“’No, I forbid you. I won’t have a fuss made
“When my father took over the Horsham property, he, at my request, made a careful examina- about such nonsense.’
“It was in vain to argue with him, for he was a
tion of the attic, which had been always locked
up. We found the brass box there, although its very obstinate man. I went about, however, with a
contents had been destroyed. On the inside of heart which was full of forebodings.
“On the third day after the coming of the letter
the cover was a paper label, with the initials of
K. K. K. repeated upon it, and ‘Letters, memo- my father went from home to visit an old friend of
randa, receipts, and a register’ written beneath. his, Major Freebody, who is in command of one
These, we presume, indicated the nature of the of the forts upon Portsdown Hill. I was glad that
papers which had been destroyed by Colonel he should go, for it seemed to me that he was farOpenshaw. For the rest, there was nothing of ther from danger when he was away from home.
much importance in the attic save a great many In that, however, I was in error. Upon the second
scattered papers and note-books bearing upon day of his absence I received a telegram from the
my uncle’s life in America. Some of them were major, imploring me to come at once. My father
of the war time and showed that he had done his had fallen over one of the deep chalk-pits which
duty well and had borne the repute of a brave abound in the neighborhood, and was lying sensesoldier. Others were of a date during the recon- less, with a shattered skull. I hurried to him, but
struction of the Southern states, and were most- he passed away without having ever recovered
ly concerned with politics, for he had evidently his consciousness. He had, as it appears, been retaken a strong part in opposing the carpet-bag turning from Fareham in the twilight, and as the
politicians who had been sent down from the country was unknown to him, and the chalk-pit
unfenced, the jury had no hesitation in bringing in
North.
“Well, it was the beginning of ‘84 when my a verdict of ‘death from accidental causes.’ Carefather came to live at Horsham, and all went as fully as I examined every fact connected with his
well as possible with us until the January of ‘85. death, I was unable to find anything which could
On the fourth day after the new year I heard my suggest the idea of murder. There were no signs of
father give a sharp cry of surprise as we sat to- violence, no footmarks, no robbery, no record of
gether at the breakfast-table. There he was, sit- strangers having been seen upon the roads. And
ting with a newly opened envelope in one hand
continued on page 22
and five dried orange pips in the outstretched
palm of the other one. He had always laughed at
The Insider Magazine May/June 2007 page 21
Artist Loft
Original
Artwork
by your
friends and
mine.
by Krissi Caldwell
by Justin Rueb
by E. Ortega
Anonymous
Anonymous
by F. Alejandrez
Submit your original artwork for publication
to Art Dept. at the address in the front of the
magazine. Advertisements are accepted from
outsiders only. No inmates’ advertisements
will be accepted. Advertisements will be 2
3/8” wide x 2 3/4” high and will cost $35.00
per issue. Advertisements can be placed for
only one issue at a time and will be printed
on a first come, first served basis.There are
no discounts for multiple ads.
22
The Insider Magazine May/June 2007
Poet’s Corner
Six Silent Tears
by Paul D. Navarrette
Last night before I went to bed,
Thoughts of you filled my troubled head.
Though I’ve not cried this way in many
years,
Onto my pillow fell six silent tears.
The first was for your smile that I miss,
and your tender lips that I long to kiss.
The second was for your angel face,
and the thought of your warm, loving
embrace.
The third came as no surprize,
as I thought of your beautiful brown eyes.
After this the fourth came rolling,
Instead of my pillow, it was you I should’ve
been holding.
The fifth came for one reason alone,
I felt my love for you was not fully shown.
I really miss you Norma;
There just fell the sixth silent tear...
~:~
Loving a Convict
by Paul D. Navarrette
Loving a convict is not always easy.
Loving him has a price to pay.
It’s watching him leave with eyes full of
tears.
It’s loving him daily with nothing to hold,
It’s being so young and feeling so old.
Loving a convict says just what t means.
It’s having him whisper his love to you,
She’s whispering I love you, too.
Then comes a kiss and a promise to wait,
Knowing the parole board holds his fate.
It’s reluctantly painful letting him go
While dying inside from needing him so,
And though he is, he’s so far away,
Loving him more, each passing day.
Weeks turn to months, months to years.
Loving a convict means shedding some
tears!
Now loving a convict isn’t much fun,
but well worth the price when the waiting
is done.
~:~
Attention Soldiers
Please send us your original poetry and we
will print it in our Serviceman’s Edition.
The Insider Magazine
PO Box 829
Hollsboro, OR 97123
A Poem for Davona
by Justin Rueb
The nice thing about little sisters
Is how they steal your heart.
You end up loving them so, so much
That it hurts to be apart.
The good thing about little sisters
Is that they’re so much fun.
You can read to them, dance and sing,
Then go outside and run.
I wish for you the best things
That the world can bring.
I wish one day you’ll fall in love
And get a wedding ring.
I wish for you the happiness
That little girls deserve.
I hope you’ll be prepared for life
When you come of age;
Because at times life can be very hard;
The world’s a scary place.
But that’s what your family’s for,
To teach you how to live.
We help you and we love you,
and watch you grow so big.
And as your big brother
I’ll protect you tooth and claw,
And as you take your steps in life,
I’ll want to see them all.
I can’t tell you how sad I am
For all the things I’ve missed.
Your first words, first day of school,
and probably your first kiss.
I know I haven’t been there for you
The way I should have been,
But hopefully my fight for freedom
I will someday win.
And then I could see you
and we could be good friends,
and we could take on, side by side,
Whatever life may send.
Until then make sure
To learn all you can in school.
Knowledge gives you power
And understanding, too.
And the best thing about little sisters,
The very best, best part;
Is how they always hold the key
To their big brother’s heart.
This too shall pass
by Tonia Murphy
Away so far
From any living dream.
Life as I know itIs nothing like it seemed.
Thinking about the futureI see nothing there.
Uncertain where my life will leadNo-one to even care.
How lonely this world has become,
Surrounded by all those faces.
Thousnads of wondering eyes,
All those hopeless, helpless cases.
Where will I go? What will I do?
How will I get there?
Can this really be true?
My journey is steadily headed
Toward the beginning of the end.
Time is going to soon run out.
Will I continue to pretend?
My mind is always racing,
My thoughts are never clear.
My heart can no longer be broken,
I no longer have that fear.
I have finally been delivered
From the worry, but not the pain.
All the suffering I’ve endured;
How much wisdom I have gained.
When I finally get there
I’ll know that I’ve arrived.
That’s when it will all make sense
Because I’ll know that I’m alive.
Until then I’ll continue
To live one day at a time.
They cannot hold me forever,
I’m taking back what is mine.
No matter what trials confront me
Or who chooses to step in my way,
I will be back in controlSoon- just not today.
Heartaches, headaches and drama;
I’ll handle each one with class,
Because I’m a firm beleiver
That soon “This Too Shall Pass.”
~:~
The Insider Magazine May/June 2007
page 23
Classic Books
The Five Orange Pips by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
yet I need not tell you that my mind was far from
at ease, and that I was well-nigh certain that some
foul plot had been woven round him.
“In this sinister way I came into my inheritance. You will ask me why I did not dispose of
it? I answer, because I was well convinced that
our troubles were in some way dependent upon
an incident in my uncle’s life, and that the danger
would be as pressing in one house as in another.
“It was in January, ‘85, that my poor father
met his end, and two years and eight months have
elapsed since then. During that time I have lived
happily at Horsham, and I had begun to hope that
this curse had passed way from the family, and
that it had ended with the last generation. I had
begun to take comfort too soon, however; yesterday morning the blow fell in the very shape in
which it had come upon my father.”
The young man took from his waistcoat a
crumpled envelope, and turning to the table he
shook out upon it five little dried orange pips.
“This is the envelope,” he continued. “The
postmark is London -- eastern division. Within
are the very words which were upon my father’s
last message: ‘K. K. K.’; and then ‘Put the papers
on the sundial.’”
“What have you done?” asked Holmes.
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“To tell the truth” -- he sank his face into his
thin, white hands --”I have felt helpless. I have
felt like one of those poor rabbits when the snake
is writhing towards it. I seem to be in the grasp of
some resistless, inexorable evil, which no foresight and no precautions can guard against.”
“Tut! tut!” cried Sherlock Holmes. “You must
act, man, or you are lost. Nothing but energy can
save you. This is no time for despair.”
“I have seen the police.”
“Ah!”
“But they listened to my story with a smile. I
am convinced that the inspector has formed the
opinion that the letters are all practical jokes, and
that the deaths of my relations were really accidents, as the jury stated, and were not to be connected with the warnings.”
Holmes shook his clenched hands in the air.
“Incredible imbecility!” he cried.
“They have, however, allowed me a policeman, who may remain in the house with me.”
“Has he come with you to-night?”
“No. His orders were to stay in the house.”
Again Holmes raved in the air.
“Why did you come to me,” he cried, “and,
above all, why did you not come at once?”
“I did not know. It was only to-day that I spoke
to Major Prendergast about my troubles and was
advised by him to come to you.”
“It is really two days since you had the letter.
We should have acted before this. You have no
further evidence, I suppose, than that which you
24
The Insider Magazine May/June 2007
have placed before us -- no suggestive detail
which might help us?”
“There is one thing,” said John Openshaw. He
rummaged in his coat pocket, and, drawing out a
piece of discolored, blue-tinted paper, he laid it
out upon the table. “I have some remembrance,”
said he, “that on the day when my uncle burned
the papers I observed that the small, unburned
margins which lay amid the ashes were of this
particular color. I found this single sheet upon
the floor of his room, and I am inclined to think
that it may be one of the papers which has, perhaps, fluttered out from among the others, and
in that way has escaped destruction. Beyond
the mention of pips, I do not see that it helps
us much. I think myself that it is a page from
some private diary. The writing is undoubtedly
my uncle’s.”
Holmes moved the lamp, and we both bent
over the sheet of paper, which showed by its
ragged edge that it had indeed been torn from
a book. It was headed, “March, 1869,” and beneath were the following enigmatical notices:
4th. Hudson came. Same old platform.
7th. Set the pips on McCauley, Paramore, and
John Swain, of St. Augustine.
9th. McCauley cleared.
10th. John Swain cleared.
12th. Visited Paramore. All well.
“Thank you!” said Holmes, folding up the paper
and returning it to our visitor. “And now you
must on no account lose another instant. We
cannot spare time even to discuss what you have
told me. You must get home instantly and act.”
“What shall I do?”
“There is but one thing to do. It must be done
at once. You must put this piece of paper which
you have shown us into the brass box which
you have described. You must also put in a note
to say that all the other papers were burned by
your uncle, and that this is the only one which
remains. You must assert that in such words as
will carry conviction with them. Having done
this, you must at once put the box out upon
the sundial, as directed. Do you understand?”
“Entirely.” “Do not think of revenge, or anything of the sort, at present. I think that we may
gain that by means of the law; but we have our
web to weave, while theirs is already woven.
The first consideration is to remove the pressing danger which threatens you. The second is
to clear up the mystery and to punish the guilty
parties.”
“I thank you,” said the young man, rising
and pulling on his overcoat. “You have given
me fresh life and hope. I shall certainly do as
you advise.”
“Do not lose an instant. And, above all, take
care of yourself in the meanwhile, for I do not
think that there can be a doubt that you are
threatened by a very real and imminent danger.
How do you go back?
“By train from Waterloo.”
“It is not yet nine. The streets will be crowded, so I trust that you may be in safety. And yet
you cannot guard yourself too closely.”
“I am armed.”
“That is well. To-morrow I shall set to work
upon your case.”
“I shall see you at Horsham, then?”
“No, your secret lies in London. It is there
that I shall seek it.”
“Then I shall call upon you in a day, or in two
days, with news as to the box and the papers. I
shall take your advice in every particular.” He
shook hands with us and took his leave. Outside
the wind still screamed and the rain splashed
and pattered against the windows. This strange,
wild story seemed to have come to us from
amid the mad elements -- blown in upon us like
a sheet of sea-weed in a gale -- and now to have
been reabsorbed by them once more.
Sherlock Holmes sat for some time in silence,
with his head sunk forward and his eyes bent
upon the red glow of the fire. Then he lit his
pipe, and leaning back in his chair he watched
the blue smoke-rings as they chased each other
up to the ceiling.
“I think, Watson,” he remarked at last, “that
of all our cases we have had none more fantastic than this.”
“Save, perhaps, the Sign of Four.”
“Well, yes. Save, perhaps, that. And yet this
John Openshaw seems to me to be walking
amid even greater perils than did the Sholtos.”
< 11 >
“But have you,” I asked, “formed any definite conception as to what these perils are?”
“There can be no question as to their nature,”
he answered.
“Then what are they? Who is this K. K. K.,
and why does he pursue this unhappy family?”
Sherlock Holmes closed his eyes and placed
his elbows upon the arms of his chair, with his
finger-tips together. “The ideal reasoner,” he remarked, “would, when he had once been shown
a single fact in all its bearings, deduce from it
not only all the chain of events which led up to
it but also all the results which would follow
from it. As Cuvier could correctly describe a
whole animal by the contemplation of a single
bone, so the observer who has thoroughly understood one link in a series of incidents should
be able to accurately state all the other ones,
both before and after. We have not yet grasped
the results which the reason alone can attain
to. Problems may be solved in the study which
have baffled all those who have sought a solution by the aid of their senses. To carry the
art, however, to its highest pitch, it is necessary
that the reasoner should be able to utilize all
the facts which have come to his knowledge;
Classic Books
The Five Orange Pips by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
and this in itself implies, as you will readily see,
a possession of all knowledge, which, even in
these days of free education and encyclopaedias, is a somewhat rare accomplishment. It is not
so impossible, however, that a man should possess all knowledge which is likely to be useful
to him in his work, and this I have endeavored
in my case to do. If I remember rightly, you on
one occasion, in the early days of our friendship,
defined my limits in a very precise fashion.”
“Yes,” I answered, laughing. “It was a singular document. Philosophy, astronomy, and politics were marked at zero, I remember. Botany
variable, geology profound as regards the mudstains from any region within fifty miles of town,
chemistry eccentric, anatomy unsystematic,
sensational literature and crime records unique,
violin-player, boxer, swordsman, lawyer, and
self-poisoner by cocaine and tobacco. Those, I
think, were the main points of my analysis.”
Holmes grinned at the last item. “Well,”
he said, “I say now, as I said then, that a man
should keep his little brain-attic stocked with all
the furniture that he is likely to use, and the rest
he can put away in the lumber-room of his library, where he can get it if he wants it. Now, for
such a case as the one which has been submitted
to us to-night, we need certainly to muster all
our resources. Kindly hand me down the letter
K of the American Encyclopaedia which stands
upon the shelf beside you. Thank you. Now let
us consider the situation and see what may be
deduced from it. In the first place, we may start
with a strong presumption that Colonel Openshaw had some very strong reason for leaving
America. Men at his time of life do not change
all their habits and exchange willingly the
charming climate of Florida for the lonely life
of an English provincial town. His extreme love
of solitude in England suggests the idea that he
was in fear of someone or something, so we may
assume as a working hypothesis that it was fear
of someone or something which drove him from
America. As to what it was he feared, we can
only deduce that by considering the formidable
letters which were received by himself and his
successors. Did you remark the postmarks of
those letters?”
< 12 >
“The first was from Pondicherry, the second
from Dundee, and the third from London.”
“From East London. What do you deduce
from that?”
“They are all seaports. That the writer was on
board of a ship.”
“Excellent. We have already a clew. There
can be no doubt that the probability -- the strong
probability -- is that the writer was on board of
a ship. And now let us consider another point.
In the case of Pondicherry, seven weeks elapsed
between the threat and its fulfillment, in Dundee
it was only some three or four days. Does that
suggest anything?”
“A greater distance to travel.”
“But the letter had also a greater distance to
come.”
“Then I do not see the point.”
“There is at least a presumption that the
vessel in which the man or men are is a sailing-ship. It looks as if they always send their
singular warning or token before them when
starting upon their mission. You see how quickly the deed followed the sign when it came from
Dundee. If they had come from Pondicherry in a
steamer they would have arrived almost as soon
as their letter. But, as a matter of fact, seven
weeks elapsed. I think that those seven weeks
represented the difference between the mailboat
which brought the letter and the sailing vessel
which brought the writer.”
“It is possible.”
“More than that. It is probable. And now
you see the deadly urgency of this new case, and
why I urged young Openshaw to caution. The
blow has always fallen at the end of the time
which it would take the senders to travel the
distance. But this one comes from London, and
therefore we cannot count upon delay.”
“Good God!” I cried. “What can it mean, this
relentless persecution?”
“The papers which Openshaw carried are
obviously of vital importance to the person or
persons in the sailing-ship. I think that it is quite
clear that there must be more than one of them.
A single man could not have carried out two
deaths in such a way as to deceive a coroner’s
jury. There must have been several in it, and
they must have been men of resource and determination. Their papers they mean to have, be
the holder of them who it may. In this way you
see K. K. K. ceases to be the initials of an individual and becomes the badge of a society.”
“But of what society?”
“Have you never --” said Sherlock Holmes,
bending forward and sinking his voice --”have
you never heard of the Ku Klux Klan?”
“I never have.”
Holmes turned over the leaves of the book
upon his knee. “Here it is,” said he presently:
“Ku Klux Klan. A name derived from the
fanciful resemblance to the sound produced by
cocking a rifle. This terrible secret society was
formed by some ex-Confederate soldiers in the
Southern states after the Civil War, and it rapidly formed local branches in different parts of
the country, notably in Tennessee, Louisiana,
the Carolinas, Georgia, and Florida. Its power
was used for political purposes, principally for
the terrorizing of the negro voters and the murdering and driving from the country of those
who were opposed to its views. Its outrages
were usually preceded by a warning sent to the
marked man in some fantastic but generally recognized shape -- a sprig of oak-leaves in some
parts, melon seeds or orange pips in others. On
receiving this the victim might either openly
abjure his former ways, or might fly from the
country. If he braved the matter out, death
would unfailingly come upon him, and usually in some strange and unforeseen manner. So
perfect was the organization of the society, and
so systematic its methods, that there is hardly a
case upon record where any man succeeded in
braving it with impunity, or in which any of its
outrages were traced home to the perpetrators.
For some years the organization flourished in
spite of the efforts of the United States government and of the better classes of the community
in the South. Eventually, in the year 1869, the
movement rather suddenly collapsed, although
there have been sporadic outbreaks of the same
sort since that date.
“You will observe,” said Holmes, laying down
the volume, “that the sudden breaking up of the
society was coincident with the disappearance
of Openshaw from America with their papers.
It may well have been cause and effect. It is no
wonder that he and his family have some of the
more implacable spirits upon their track. You
can understand that this register and diary may
implicate some of the first men in the South, and
that there may be many who will not sleep easy
at night until it is recovered.”
“Then the page we have seen --”
“Is such as we might expect. It ran, if I remember right, ‘sent the pips to A, B, and C’ -that is, sent the society’s warning to them. Then
there are successive entries that A and B cleared,
or left the country, and finally that C was visited,
with, I fear, a sinister result for C. Well, I think,
Doctor, that we may let some light into this dark
place, and I believe that the only chance young
Openshaw has in the meantime is to do what I
have told him. There is nothing more to be said
or to be done to-night, so hand me over my violin and let us try to forget for half an hour the
miserable weather and the still more miserable
ways of our fellow-men.”
It had cleared in the morning, and the sun
was shining with a subdued brightness through
the dim veil which hangs over the great city.
Sherlock Holmes was already at breakfast when
I came down.
“You will excuse me for not waiting for
you,” said he; “I have, I foresee, a very busy
day before me in looking into this case of young
Openshaw’s.”
“What steps will you take?” I asked.
“It will very much depend upon the results
The Insider Magazine May/June 2007
page 25
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The Five Orange Pips by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
of my first inquiries. I may have to go down to
Horsham, after all.”
“You will not go there first?”
“No, I shall commence with the City. Just
ring the bell and the maid will bring up your
coffee.”
As I waited, I lifted the unopened newspaper
from the table and glanced my eye over it. It
rested upon a heading which sent a chill to my
heart.
“Holmes,” I cried, “you are too late.”
“Ah!” said he, laying down his cup, “I feared
as much. How was it done?” He spoke calmly,
but I could see that he was deeply moved.
“My eye caught the name of Openshaw, and
the heading ‘Tragedy Near Waterloo Bridge.’
Here is the account:
“Between nine and ten last night PoliceConstable Cook, of the H Division, on duty
near Waterloo Bridge, heard a cry for help and
a splash in the water. The night, however, was
extremely dark and stormy, so that, in spite of
the help of several passers-by, it was quite impossible to effect a rescue. The alarm, however,
was given, and, by the aid of the water-police,
the body was eventually recovered. It proved to
be that of a young gentleman whose name, as
it appears from an envelope which was found
in his pocket, was John Openshaw, and whose
residence is near Horsham. It is conjectured
that he may have been hurrying down to catch
the last train from Waterloo Station, and that in
his haste and the extreme darkness he missed
his path and walked over the edge of one of the
small landing-places for river steamboats. The
body exhibited no traces of violence, and there
can be no doubt that the deceased had been the
victim of an unfortunate accident, which should
have the effect of calling the attention of the authorities to the condition of the riverside landing-stages.”
We sat in silence for some minutes, Holmes
more depressed and shaken than I had ever seen
him.
“That hurts my pride, Watson,” he said at
last. “It is a petty feeling, no doubt, but it hurts
my pride. It becomes a personal matter with me
now, and, if God sends me health, I shall set my
hand upon this gang. That he should come to me
for help, and that I should send him away to his
death -- !” He sprang from his chair and paced
about the room in uncontrollable agitation, with
a flush upon his sallow cheeks and a nervous
clasping and unclasping of his long thin hands.
“They must be cunning devils,” he exclaimed
at last. “How could they have decoyed him
down there? The Embankment is not on the
direct line to the station. The bridge, no doubt,
was too crowded, even on such a night, for their
purpose. Well, Watson, we shall see who will
26
The Insider Magazine May/June 2007
win in the long run. I am going out now!”
“To the police?”
“No; I shall be my own police. When I have
spun the web they may take the flies, but not
before.”
All day I was engaged in my professional
work, and it was late in the evening before I returned to Baker Street. Sherlock Holmes had not
come back yet. It was nearly ten o’clock before
he entered, looking pale and worn. He walked
up to the sideboard, and tearing a piece from
the loaf he devoured it voraciously, washing it
down with a long draught of water.
“You are hungry,” I remarked.
“Starving. It had escaped my memory. I have
had nothing since breakfast.”
“Nothing?”
“Not a bite. I had no time to think of it.”
“And how have you succeeded?”
“Well.”
“You have a clew?”
“I have them in the hollow of my hand. Young
Openshaw shall not long remain unavenged.
Why, Watson, let us put their own devilish trademark upon them. It is well thought of!”
“What do you mean?”
He took an orange from the cupboard, and
tearing it to pieces he squeezed out the pips
upon the table. Of these he took five and thrust
them into an envelope. On the inside of the flap
he wrote “S. H. for J. O.” Then he sealed it and
addressed it to “Captain James Calhoun, Bark
Lone Star, Savannah, Georgia.”
“That will await him when he enters port,”
said he, chuckling. “It may give him a sleepless
night. He will find it as sure a precursor of his
fate as Openshaw did before him.”
“And who is this Captain Calhoun?”
“The leader of the gang. I shall have the others, but he first.”
“How did you trace it, then?”
He took a large sheet of paper from his pocket, all covered with dates and names.
“I have spent the whole day,” said he, “over
Lloyd’s registers and files of the old papers, following the future career of every vessel which
touched at Pondicherry in January and February
in ‘83. There were thirty-six ships of fair tonnage which were reported there during those
months. Of these, one, the Lone Star, instantly
attracted my attention, since, although it was reported as having cleared from London, the name
is that which is given to one of the states of the
Union.”
“Texas, I think.”
“I was not and am not sure which; but I knew
that the ship must have an American origin.”
“What then?”
“I searched the Dundee records, and when I
found that the bark Lone Star was there in January, ‘85, my suspicion became a certainty. I then
inquired as to the vessels which lay at present in
the port of London.”
“Yes?”
“The Lone Star had arrived here last week.
I went down to the Albert Dock and found that
she had been taken down the river by the early
tide this morning, homeward bound to Savannah. I wired to Gravesend and learned that she
had passed some time ago, and as the wind is
easterly I have no doubt that she is now past
the Goodwins and not very far from the Isle of
Wight.”
“What will you do, then?”
“Oh, I have my hand upon him. He and the
two mates, are as I learn, the only native-born
Americans in the ship. The others are Finns and
Germans. I know, also, that they were all three
away from the ship last night. I had it from the
stevedore who has been loading their cargo. By
the time that their sailing-ship reaches Savannah the mail-boat will have carried this letter,
and the cable will have informed the police of
Savannah that these three gentlemen are badly
wanted here upon a charge of murder.”
There is ever a flaw, however, in the best
laid of human plans, and the murderers of John
Openshaw were never to receive the orange pips
which would show them that another, as cunning and as resolute as themselves, was upon
their track. Very long and very severe were the
equinoctial gales that year. We waited long for
news of the Lone Star of Savannah, but none
ever reached us. We did at last hear that somewhere far out in the Atlantic a shattered sternpost of the boat was seen swinging in the trough
of a wave, with the letters “L. S.” carved upon it,
and that is all which we shall ever know of the
fate of the Lone Star.
~:~
Fore...
A man and a friend are playing golf
one day at their local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip
onto the green when he sees a long
funeral procession on the road next
to the course. He stops in midswing, takes off his golf cap, closes
his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the
most thoughtful and touching thing
I have ever seen. You truly are a
kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well
we were married 35 years.”
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truck driver there are some pressures but The Insider Magazine May/June 2007 page 27