internet privacy judy bailey shapeshifter stolen girlfriends club

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internet privacy judy bailey shapeshifter stolen girlfriends club
INTERNET PRIVACY
JUDY BAILEY
SHAPESHIFTER
STOLEN GIRLFRIENDS CLUB
WE’RE A SOCIAL LOT
CONNECT WITH US!
FACEBOOK.COM/MASSEYUNIVERSITY
TWITTER.COM/MASSEY_UNI
WWW.MASSEY.AC.NZ
FEATURES
04
Privacy: An Obituary
20
Job Interviews – The Final Hurdle
22
Anna’s Story: An Abusive Relationship
24
You Know I Can’t Eat Your Ghost Chips
26
Why Move?
31
Photographic Feature: The Indians
36
Stolen Girlfriends Club: Adrogynous Niche
40
Lola
44
Bailey On Brainwave & Broadcasting
46
Living with Cancer
51
Shapeshifter: Discussing Delta
54
The Adventures of Dick Hardy
REgulars
The Back
Letters
03
Columns
58
In Short
05
Reviews
62
Local Notices
08
Geofff Deathigan
64
2
EDITOR
Morgan Browne
[email protected]
0800 MASSEY ext. 62136
ART DIRECTION & DESIGN
Sean Walker
[email protected]
0800 MASSEY ext. 62064
ADVERTISING & SPONSORSHIP
Jacob Webb
[email protected]
027 894 8000
WEB MANAGEMENT
Adam Dodd
[email protected]
LOCAL CAMPUS REPORTERS
Albany – Tasmin Wheeler
[email protected]
Manawatu/Extramural – Yvette Morrissey
[email protected]
CONTRIBUTORS
Yvette Morrissey, Tasmin Wheeler, Charlie
Mitchell, Josh Berry, Claydan Krivan-Mutu,
Emma Jane Simpson, Max Bell, Jessica Frank,
Kate Davis, Amie Broxton, Rachel Purdie,
Georgia Forrester, Ruth Chan, Paul Berrington, Callum O’Neill, Jordan Gowan, Max
D, Annabel Hawkins, Adam Dodd, Brigitte
Masters, Dick Hardy
ILLUSTRATORS & PHOTOGRAPHERS
Huei Yin, Brodie Nel, Ash Nel, Sean Walker
Publisher
massivemagazine.org.nz
ISSN 2253-5918 (Print)
ISSN 2253-5926 (Online)
Disclaimer:
The views, beliefs and opinions reflected in the pages in MASSIVE
magazine do not necessarily represent those of Massey University,
its staff, Albany Students’ Association (ASA), Massey University
Students’ Association (MUSA), Massey at Wellington Students’
Association (MAWSA), Extramural Students’ Society (EXMSS)
or the MASSIVE editor.
Massivemagazine.org.nz
2013, FIFTH ISSUE. IT IS
E d i to r i a l
Welcome back,
For those of you that have just picked up this
bundle of paper for the first time – greetings. We
are MASSIVE magazine, a diverse and eclectic
collection of articles and images that are compiled
together each month (hence the bundle). Well, I’m a
person, made up of little atoms by “two parents that
loved each other very much”, but you know what I
mean.
Over the winter break, it seemed all of my
Facebook friends were either lying around a pool on
an island somewhere or backpacking around Europe
– lucky for some! On behalf of the team here, we
hope you had a wicked holiday, wherever in the
world you spent it. If your holiday wasn’t so much of
a holiday, at least there seems to be some cool things
happening around the first week or two of semester.
Find us on Facebook to stay updated with what’s
going on, and to be in to win some sweet giveaways.
With sadness, I wish to formally farewell our
reporter, Yvette Morrissey. Yvette is MASSIVE’S
longest standing staff member to date, and we
would like to thank her for all of her passion and
commitment to the magazine. We wish her well
on her travels around the world. With change also
comes happiness, and I am pleased to announce
that our new Manawatu and Extramural reporter is
Rachel Purdie. We also welcome Sasha Borissenko
and Brigitte Masters into new staff roles in
Wellington. I’m sure Rachel, Sasha, and Brigitte will
be great assets to the team. If you want to write for
us, just flick me an email - my contact deets are in
the side bar on this page. Writing for our 35,000
readers is fun, great for your CV, and we pay writers
for stories too.
This issue, MASSIVE investigates internet
privacy, parkour, job interviews, and drink driving.
MASSIVE also chats to Mega CEO Vikram Kumar,
‘Mother of the Nation’ Judy Bailey, Shapeshifter, and
the guys behind the Stolen Girlfriends Club label.
Keep sane (just a little) and stay classy.
Morgan Browne, Editor
MASSIVE LOVES GIVEAWAYS
Thanks to Sony Playstation® and to celebrate the
release of the highly anticipated new game, The
Last of Us, we have two The Last of Us prize packs
to give away! Each prize pack includes a The Last of
Us game, cap and sweater! To enter, email [email protected]
massivemagazine.org.nz with LAST OF US in the
subject heading, and your name and contact details
in the text by July 21 to be in the draw.
Remember Jimmy Eat World? They have just
released a new album called Damage. Thanks to
Sony Music, we have two copies to give away! To
enter, email [email protected] with
JIMMY EAT WORLD in the subject heading, and
your name and contact details in the text by August
1 to be in the draw.
Win a crate of Red Bull! At MASSIVE, we always
have your free wings at the ready. To enter, email
[email protected] with RED BULL
GIVEAWAY in the subject heading, and your name
and contact details in the text by August 1 to be in
the draw.
Come get some Free stuff
facebook.com/MASSIVE.magazine
Twitter: @massivemagnz
3
LETTERS
FUTURE OF DIGITAL FABRICATION NOT
PRIORITY FOR JAPANESE STUMPS
Hello,
Every month I pick up a copy of your magazine to
read before my Women’s Studies class, and I must
say, I am continually disappointed by the narrow
range of issues you choose to represent in your
publication. You should probably just rename your
magazine “The Patriarchy”, because I only feel
oppressed when I read it. The issues faced by people
like me and the rest of the womyn in my social
justice tumblr group are simply not represented.
I am a trans-ethnic, demi-sexual otherkin, and
my headmate is a post-gendered, trans-vegan
deku scrub. We face persecution every day of the
week due to our lack of privilege: if I were to tell a
potential employer that I self-identify as a wooden
stump from an obscure Japanese manga it is unlikely
I would be hired, and neither would my headmate.
University magazines are supposed to represent
fringe issues, give a voice to those of us born without
the privilege of being able bodied cisgendered white
men. When I see topics like dog ownership, base
jumping, and 3D printing in your magazine, which
are all classic tools of the patriarchy used to oppress
womyn, we can only shake our head in disbelief.
Why don’t you 3D print yourself a clue and start
writing about issues that actually matter.
WE LOVE YOUR FACEBOOK TOO
Dear MASSIVE
I love your Facebook and website. I always make
sure to check the website for the latest article, read
the blogs, and check for giveaways on Facebook.
Thanks for all the cool stuff ! Stoked that you’re
my student magazine =)
From Hannah
MASSIVE IS AWESOME
Whaddup MASSIVE,
Just want to say I’m loving the magazine this year!
I’ve never really read it before, but this year it’s just
awesome! Also, loving the illustrations. Kudos to
whoever is doing them! Keep bringing us those
fantastic articles, so entertaining! Loving it.
Cha, Krissi Smith x
ROSIE NOT SO RIVETED BY MATERNITY
MASSIVE CONFIRMED STILL AWESOME
Dear MASSIVE
A thought that has often crossed my mind is
balancing children with a career. After countless
times of being forgotten to be picked up from
school, brownies and sports practises, and always
being the child with the disgusting school lunches, I
am worried for the fate of my own unborn children.
When asked today by a boy in class, who is onto
his fifth year of a four year degree, if I would leave
work in five years to have babies, I nearly hit him. All
I could think to ask was whether his mum was a stayat-home mum. I have no qualms with women that
choose to stay at home, make babies, and have a nice
life of going to the gym, drinking coffee and walking
their poodles. Can these women help their children
with their homework? No. Can they understand
what their child’s year 11 chemistry teacher is talking
about when an atom gets mentioned in a parent
interview? No. Can they relate to their husbands
working lives? No. What kind of example would I be setting my own
children if I was to leave my career after five years?
That it’s ok to give up? How can a stay at home
mother even expect her own daughter to have a
great career and really contribute to sociality, when
the example that she has been given is exactly the
opposite? Greatness breeds greatness.
Despite opening my lunch box and feeling hard
done by every day at primary school, my own mum
has been awesome. Not only does she work more
than 40 hours a week, she is the one who I always ask
for advice and help. Whether it’s career advice, what
to do about my pesky wisdom teeth, or how much
butter to add to that amazing chocolate cake! She is a
true example of a woman that has it all. When people ask me if I am going to leave the work
force and stop pursuing my dreams to have children,
not only do I find it personally disrespectful, I find it
disrespectful to all the women before us, who have
enabled us to be where we are today. Yes, despite all
the obstacles that are in my way, I am determined to
have it all. It is a goal I strive towards. I am at university to not only rack up a student
loan and drink away my liver, I am at university
so boys who believe girls can’t, do not get the jobs
which girls who can, deserve.
Sincerely, Woman Power
Dear MASSIVE,
Thank you so much for an amazing weekend in
Ohakune, that my husband won. We even managed
to get to the slopes as well. Was so much fun - I want
to go back :) Thank you so much!
Hayley Richards
MASSIVE STORY DAWG
Dear Editor,
The article about dog control [from issue 04] is
nothing short of brilliant, probably the best on the
subject I’ve ever seen for balance and accuracy. I’ll blog the link so that New Zealand Kennel
Club members can see it as well.
Well done.
Owen Dance, President, New Zealand Kennel
Club
EVERY LETTER WINS
MASSIVE welcomes letters of all shapes and
sizes. They should be preferably emailed to
[email protected] although they
can be dropped into any students’ association
office. The editor reserves the right to edit,
abridge or just plain bastardise them and can
refuse any that are in bad taste or defamatory.
EVERY LETTER WINS! All letters receive
a prize courtesy of MASSIVE magazine. This
month, it is a Peoples’ Coffee and Red Bull prize
pack. Email the editor to arrange collection of
your prize.
Massive IN SHORT
4
FRIDAY 20 SEPTEMBER
hoSTED BY:
TRUSTS STADIUM, HENDERSON 8AM - 4pM
IF You ARE InTERESTED In joInIng TEAM AlBAnY PlEASE conTAcT:
SARAH WyMER [email protected] 0800 TEAM ALBANy
FoR MoRE InFo on ThIS EvEnT:
SEARch “noRThERn TERTIARY chAllEngE” on FAcEBook
Massivemagazine.org.nz
DELIVERED BY...
5
MASSIVE IN SHORT
THE BIGGEST TOPICS, SMALL.
HOUSING IN NEW ZEALAND: STUDENT AFFORDABILITY
Brigitte Masters
Despite New Zealand becoming a larger and
wealthier population, building rates have dropped
since the 1960s and 1970s.
As a result, New Zealand’s new house building is
lagging, with a shortfall of at least 10,000 new houses
annually – a shortfall that is continuing to grow.
The failure to build sufficient new houses to meet
the market’s demand over the last 35 years can only
be solved by a rapid increase in new house building
over a period of at least 10 years.
Many young people, especially in the main cities,
are thinking about getting their first step on the
housing ladder. But evidence shows this is not a good
time to be buying, and it is because of the shortfall of
houses and rising interest rates.
Most young people know they can’t afford
something too grand for their first home. But
inadequate numbers of houses built over the last 35
years have meant a lack of supply, so price rises have
been most noticeable for those in the “first home”
category.
Historian and former Local Government Minister
Michael Bassett, who last month released a report
Priced Out with The New Zealand Initiative on
housing affordability, says the main problem in big
cities is that the land for a new house has become
expensive because of regulations such as those setting
metropolitan urban limits.
“Builders can’t bring themselves to put a relatively
cheap house on such an expensive section,” Dr
Bassett says.
“The sorts of smaller, three bedroom houses with
one bathroom that our parents bought cheaply for
their first homes, aren’t built on sections costing
$300,000 these days. What we desperately need is an
end to metropolitan urban limits and some cheaper
land on the edges of the main cities that can take
modest first homes.”
This would require local and central government
to coordinate their thinking, with careful local
authority planning for adequate jobs in the new
areas, and adequate motorway connections made
available.
“Being able to buy one’s home is seen as part of a
Kiwi’s birthright and one’s house, for many people,
is the single biggest asset they acquire in their lives,”
Dr Bassett says.
“So that option of a house at an affordable price
should always be an option for a young couple who
are probably renting as we speak.
“For myself, I would not in the present economic
climate saddle myself with too high a mortgage
because interest rates will climb within the next year.
That means renting and saving for some time yet.
Michael is right: buying a house now could be bad
timing.
Since May 8, 2013, there has been a dramatic rise
in NZ Swap rates, a benchmark interest rate used in
New Zealand. The increases in Swap rates have yet to
be fully reflected in current mortgage rates and banks
will be passing these costs through to borrowers in
the near-to-medium term to maintain current net
interest margins (difference between what banks
pay depositors and receive from borrowers) of
approximately 2.2 per cent.
The increases in Swap rates for an array of standard
mortgage terms since May 8 are as follows:
1 Year
2 Years 3 Years 4 Years 5 Years
0.19%
0.43%
0.56%
0.65%
0.69%
This is a guide only and should not be taken as
gospel. As with all things, there are other factors, like
demand and competition that will affect mortgage
rates. If we see a continuation of this upward trend in
Swap rates, the ability to finance your first new home
at record high prices becomes that much more of a
dream.
On the land side of things, to help make houses
more affordable, investment in land and construction
is desperately needed. That flows through to
cranking up apprenticeship courses, because there is
a shortage of skills, and the purchase of much more
land for subdivision.
The government might need to step in and
purchase some land itself and even, for a time, to
adopt a tough line with local authorities that drag
the chain. Until house prices level off, or fall back,
we will continue to have too big a sum of precious
investment money going into houses.
“As we say in our report, individuals can prosper
from the present shortage; the country can’t prosper
when too much investment is tied up in housing
instead of more productive goals,” Dr Bassett says.
The report also says current policy quagmire has
created a situation where the interests of those who
are lucky enough to own property are often opposed
to the interests of non-owners or younger people.
An example of how young buyers should be
purchasing their first home can be taken is Massey
University student, James Collings.
James, an accounting student, bought his first
home four years ago with his partner and two
children.
When he stepped onto the housing ladder he was
working full-time, but is now a full-time student
with a part-time role at MAWSA, and with a student
allowance to help pay for his $350 weekly mortgage.
He bought the house in Lower Hutt: it has three
bedrooms and one bathroom. James says he was
realistic when he bought it, deciding to go in for the
cheap.
“I paid $192,000, it was a fixer-upper. It had
nothing. We put plumbing in, carpet, vinyl, curtains,
kitchen, and painted it.
“We spent about $25-30,000 doing it up, but had
lots of friends and family help us get it livable. We
didn’t move in for two weeks. Everyone was there
helping, we got the main area sorted, painted the
outside, and got it livable,” he says
James, whose home now has an RV of $240,000,
says he will later buy a flasher home, but he had just
wanted to get his foot in the property door, and had
aimed for a house under $200,000.
“I think people need to be realistic about where
they can afford to live. If you can’t afford to live in a
home, you have to accept you have to live in a not-asnice neighborhood, or not-as-nice home.”
At the end of the day, today’s young generation
should be able to realistically aspire to own their own
homes without being burdened by huge mortgages.
Those who are looking at buying need to watch
and see which set of council candidates, in the
coming local body elections in October, has policies
that look like they will quickly open up new supplies
of land by removing the regulations and excessive
levies applied to new developments at present.
And at the government level, people need to
watch and decide which party or candidate seems
determined to work towards the goal of affordable
new houses.
Massive IN SHORT
6
RED BULL GIVES YOU WHINGE
MORGAN BROWNE
A letter of concern about energy drink Red Bull
being given free to students on campus has been filed
by Massey Wellington’s Health and Counselling
Campus staff with Registrar Deanna Riach.
The Health and Counselling centre is managed by
the Student Services Trust, which also manages the
university café, Tussock.
SST director Hazel Purre confirms Tussock sells
Red Bull to students. But she says, though everyone
appreciates that the Health and counselling team
“has an issue” in this instance, she herself doesn’t
have a stand on whether the drink should be sold on
campus.
The letter expresses concern that Massey
Wellington Students’ Association allowed
distribution of 2000 cans in a May 14 air drop on
campus. The Health and Counselling staff say the
amount of cans given per person was not regulated.
Health and Counselling nurse Linda LindsayKent says she saw the cans being distributed from
early morning.
“I arrived at 8.30 and myself and a couple of others
saw students walking past [the crate] and taking
more than one at a time. And there was no education
about it there.
“We see energy drinks being promoted and we
get cases of anxiety resulting out of it. These people
don’t know that Red Bull is making it worse. There’s
recorded deaths offshore from similar substances.”
Red Bull spokesperson Opal Mackinnon says the
drink is safe.
“Red Bull is available in more than 165 counties
around the world because health authorities have
concluded that the product is safe. Since being
launched more than 25 years ago, more than 35
billion cans have been consumed.”
MAWSA communications manager Mike Ross
points out that Red Bull cans say clearly that no-one
should drink more than two per day, and also which
people in which conditions shouldn’t use them.
“Essentially, as a students’ association, we like to
think the best of our students and respect them in
our trust that they are capable of reading those labels
and responding as the intelligent young adults that
they are.”
Lindsay-Kent, however, says MAWSA does not
have students’ best interests at heart.
“Our students are being marketed to. I know
MAWSA needs money and I know that’s what
happens.
“There is a reciprocal thing for MAWSA.
MAWSA is cash-strapped and needs to have events
that look good. I think that an insidious thing
happens to our youth.”
Massivemagazine.org.nz
But when asked, she says she is “absolutely” for
freedom of choice.
Ross says Red Bull is very generous in their giving.
“They also lend us production gear for both on and
off-campus activities. Yet we have no contract, nor do
we take money from Red Bull.”
Nursing student and residential assistant of
[Massey student accommodation] The Cube,
Jimmy Jansen, who supports and helped write
the complaints, says the letters also reflected the
“oversaturation of Red Bull on campus.”
Jansen, previously education vice-president at
Massey Wellington Students’ Association, added:
“There were students wandering off with five or
six cans in their bags. Thank God that Red Bull is
handed out around exam time, because we need the
caffeine then – but not to this excess.”
Ross contests the claim of oversaturation. “There
have been about 12 times over the year when Red
Bull has been available for free, with a focus on
orientation and exam periods when people are
particularly keen on having an energy kick.”
Massey Health and Counselling also took the
complaint directly to Riach rather than discussing
the matter with MAWSA first, he says.
Lindsay-Kent: “We have been told in the past that
it was being monitored, but we didn’t see that. We
saw that in the morning [at the air drop] then Mary
[Health and Counselling manager] went to talk to
Mike Ross.”
Ross: “We have always assisted in promoting
health initiatives that Student Health has driven.
We have done this via various advertising channels.
That’s why, when the complaint was made directly to
the campus registrar, without any conversation with
us, it was unhelpful.
“We’ve always considered ourselves to have a
constructive relationship with them.”
On this, Jansen agrees. “I do think that Student
Health going straight to registrar was disrespectful.
They should have talked to each other about this, but
they didn’t.”
Jansen says he is concerned about the promotion
of health on the campus and had complained that
Red Bull being given away at health events in the
past “really upset” Student Health, with the latest air
drop being the last straw.
“MAWSA hasn’t been respectful of Student
Health’s requests and suggestions, which they should,
because they’re health professionals. MAWSA are
a bunch of students, and should take professionals
seriously.
“Young people, including myself, have got short
horizon planning and short forecasting abilities.
That’s in terms of daily life as well.
“They drink it all at once, and don’t think of the
later implications. Yes, we’re adults but we don’t
choose wisely. If the choice isn’t there, then we won’t
make a bad decision.”
Nursing students Lauren Parmenter and Katie
Young admit to giving away Red Bull at a Men’s
Health event at Massey earlier this year. Parmenter
says the Red Bull was provided by MAWSA clubs as
giveaways for the prize pack.
Both Parmenter and Young say that, although they
gave away the energy drink, they were also given a
“healthy meat pack” by MAWSA to use as a student
prize.
“There was one can in each bag and one person got
one bag each,” Parmenter says.
Young says, “I don’t see the issue. Students
are living in flats alone without parents, and are
obviously old enough to make their own decisions
in that regard.
“We also supplied healthy food on the night. It’s
all about teaching moderation. They can choose
whether or not they want to drink it.”
Parmenter agrees. “It’s clearly labelled on the can
[that you should only drink two cans daily]. If people
are silly enough to drink it in excess then they have to
suffer the consequences – you can die from drinking
too much water, but are you stupid enough to do it?”
Other students spoken to share similar sentiments.
Asked what they thought about free Red Bull on
campus, Health Science student Tessa McPherson
says, “I think it’s great! You make decisions about
drinking [alcohol] at 18, why not Red Bull?
Health Science Student Rachel Palmer agrees.
“It’s not like they’re giving you four cans a day or
forcing you to drink it. If someone can’t make a good
decision, that’s their fault.”
Campus registrar Deanna Riach says of the
complaint: “I feel that everything has its place. Yes,
there were legitimate concerns by Student Health,
but it’s about everything in moderation.
“Red Bull have a policy around how many cans
they will provide so, when I looked into that, we
were quite happy that they were only allowed two
per student.”
The students’ association was really great in
dealing with the matter, she says.
“Staff drink a lot of Red Bull too. Coffee, to me,
is not much different. It is freedom of choice, but
we have a responsibility to our students - without
dictating - providing them with opportunities to
make informed decisions.
“I’d like to see Health and Counselling include
information around these types of products in
7
REVIEW IT
A DA M D O D D
Review It is an online course survey designed to
allow students to independently respond to their
recent learning experiences at Massey University
and make their comments available to prospective
students deciding which elective papers to take.
STUDENT-TO-STUDENT ADVICE
orientation bags. It’s about students’ understanding.”
Red Bull’s Mackinnon says, just as with many food
and beverage products, energy drinks should be
consumed responsibly.
“Red Bull contains an advisory statement of two
cans per day. In terms of caffeine, a single 250mL
can of Red Bull contains 80mg of caffeine. This is
equivalent to a cup of instant coffee.
“By comparison, a long black coffee contains
around 253mg of caffeine per cup while a cappuccino
has around 160mg.”
Riach says: “I am hoping to see a suite of more
information health sessions [from Health and
Counselling].
“I’m glad they’re concerned about student health,
but this is a legal substance we are also selling over
the counter. Their role is to provide opportunities
of information. They have funding to give out
information, and opportunities [to do so], whether it
be on sexual health, drinking, smoking etc. Red Bull
is another element in that info loop.”
Ross agrees. “If there are issues with energy
drinks on campus, it needs to be treated as part of
a broader policy on campus, rather than singling
out one company. If they’d approached us and asked
us to post up a health warning on their behalf with
the giveaway, they’d have received a much more
favourable response from us and would do a far
better job at getting their message across to students.
“Everybody likes to be respected as an intelligent
person.”
Riach: “I’m heartened that they’re [Student
Health] engaged, but their view was very strong
which didn’t really mirror the views of the student
body.”
For those wondering whether Red Bull will still
be given away on campus, Riach says that’s up to the
students.
“Our young people are university students – our
future. We have to allow them to make their own
decisions, but try and role model better decisions.
There’s a difference between informing someone and
dictating.
“It is about freedom of choice. It hasn’t stopped,
and it didn’t stop.”
The survey has been developed by the Massey
University Extramural Students’ Society (EXMSS)
to satisfy the need for free flowing peer-to-peer
advice and open testimony on the nature of particular
courses. To ensure the freedom for students to
share their opinions, each survey is conducted
independently of Massey University and maintains
the anonymity of participating students.
SHAPING EXPECTATIONS AND
LOBBYING THE UNIVERSITY
The information collected from Review It is
used to help students to be able to better shape
their expectations of the papers they intend to
take. Massey Paper Co-ordinators are also invited
to include advice for students alongside the Survey
results reports. In addition, EXMSS uses the survey
to monitor problematic trends and lobby Massey
University to address long-running issues with
certain papers.
BETTER... SMARTER... FRIENDLIER.
Review It is open to all students studying with
Massey University, and to date 14,000 students have
voiced their experiences. It’s important that as many
people as possible fill out the Review It survey each
year, and to that end EXMSS has been working
over the last six months to update Review It, asking
more pertinent questions, improving the layout
and design, and providing more intuitive reporting.
The new survey (for Semester 1, 2013) went live on
July 17.
You can check Review It out at http://www.
reviewit.net.nz/
All those who complete a Review It survey will
go into a draw to receive one of four iPod shuffles.
Winners are notified by email and announced here at
MASSIVE. The Winners for the Semester 3, 2012,
prize draw are Vincent Lee, Aaron Mikkelsen, Kaiya
Watson and Michael Lambden. If that’s you and
you haven’t heard from Review It yet, get in touch
with Adam Dodd on freephone 0508 4EXMSS ext.
81217 or email [email protected]
CONDOM SNORTING,
THE LATEST CRAZE
TA S M I N W H E E L E R
It has been termed “remarkably stupid”, yet
the craze known as “The Condom Challenge” is
spreading like wild fire across the Web.
The vile and deadly internet fad is a dare game
involving inserting a condom into your nostril and
snorting it back through your mouth for you either
to cough, pull or gag it out.
Teens in America and Britain can be found in
multiple clips on YouTube snorting condoms. Will
the land of the sheep be the next country to take on
this ridiculous fad?
The craze gained attention in April this year when
a video was uploaded onto YouTube by teenage girl
Amber-Lynn Strong.
The video went viral gaining over 2.2 million views
before being removed by the middle of the month.
Strong’s video was highly discussed on Huffington
Post, Gawker, Buzzfeed and The Sun.
Teens across the globe began participating in the
challenge, uploading their successes or failures and
gaining thousands of hits while leaving the rest of the
mature world thinking, “what the fuck”.
Medical experts around the world are pleading
with youth not to partake in this challenge. Although
there are yet to be any fatal incidents, the challenge
can cause infections, coughing fits, and vomiting.
Some hospitals have seen the arrival of teens with
condoms stuck in the back of their throat, leaving
them helpless and needing assistance to remove the
condoms.
Doctors have no doubt that taking on the
“challenge” when intoxicated involves high risks,
which could result in fatal outcomes.
The trend has caught the attention of celebrities
including Ellen DeGeneres, who has implored kids
to stop snorting condoms for attention and YouTube
hits.
The Condom Challenge has to be the dumbest
craze started thus far and is certainly the antithesis
of what Web inventor Tim Berners-Lee had in mind!
Massive IN SHORT
8
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9
ALBANY
LO C A L N OT I C E S
Haere mai and welcome
to semester two.
Hopefully some of you had a nice wee break and
were able to rest those precious brain cells, and are
now ready for round two! For the other 300-plus
new students that have joined our campus, we hope
you will enjoy it here with us.
This is your student magazine, and anything you
would like to know, issues you would like to voice
or random facts you would like to share, we would
love to hear from you. We hope MASSIVE makes
your time at Massey that little bit more special and
we hope to warm your hearts.
Your Albany Reporter,
Tasmin Wheeler.
[email protected]
President Resigns
Stephan Van Heerden, president of the Albany
Students’ Association, resigned on July 1 after a
year-and-a-half serving students. His resignation
takes effect on July 15. Van Heerden has seen the
association through its hardest times and was there
at the birth of MASSIVE.
MASSIVE would also like to acknowledge a
fact that most of you won’t know: Van Heerden is
the only Massey University Students’ Association
president unpaid for his hours. Vice-president
Arlene Frost will be acting president position until
elections determine one for 2014. On behalf of the
university staff and students, MASSIVE would like
to thank Van Heerden for his service to students.
Re-Orientation on Campus
First week back to school always includes a little bit
of fun and guaranteed free food somewhere. If you
are new, be sure to get your orientation bag from the
Albany Students’ Association.
Student Life and the ASA have put together
activities for the first week back. Starting the week
of Monday 15 July with “gaming day” - you’ll find a
variety of games that anyone can play - the ASA will
be hosting a series of eating competitions, with free
pancakes, candy floss, and popcorn.
Tuesday 16 is “collective art day”. There will be free
hot dogs and, if you fancy a little after-school fun,
The Ferguson bar will be hosting Massey Idol. So
head down to the pub after class for a beer.
Wednesday 17 is “clubs’ day”. This is the busiest day
of the week, when students can find out and sign up
to different clubs. A sausage sizzle will be provided
and Who Dares Wins will be a challenge set out to
anyone who dares in taking the chance to win some
prizes. The evening down at the Fergs will include a
Gee Whiz Quiz, followed by a Onesie party.
Thursday 18 is all about wellbeing. There will
be boot-camp sessions, health and fitness testing
to see how healthy and fit you are. There will be
free fruit supplied and corn fritters. Mental health
organisation CASPER will be on campus talking
to students. From 2-3pm in the Atrium lounge, a
Muslim Information session will be run where all
students are welcome to come and learn about the
Muslim culture. Thursday evening is guaranteed to
be a chilly one with the “FROSTBITE” party hosted
by Ferg once again.
An ASA spokesperson said it wouldn’t be an
orientation week without a loud night party.
“This is it: a party night for young students and
their mates to dress up in their nicest dresses. This
night is for the clubbers who get a taste of the city on
campus.” The night has a complement of Auckland’s
biggest DJ’s playing a selection of music that will
please a crowd loving a bit of a boogie.
Back to Business
On July 30, you will have the opportunity to find
out what the people who run the economy are
thinking. Business student groups and the School
of Economics and Finance will be hosting a panel of
experts on monetary policy, shedding light on the
New Zealand economy by bringing their knowledge
and perspectives to you.
The panel includes former Reserve Bank governor
Don Brash, AMP New Zealand chief economist
Bevan Graham, and Massey’s Centre for Banking
Studies director David Tripe. With many years of
experience also in the banking sector, David will
provide academic feedback.
For an evening of discussion and information
about economic questions and challenges facing
New Zealand, from housing and banking to
exchange rates and asset sales, come along to the Sir
Neil Waters lecture theatres from 4:30-6:30 pm.
RSVP to [email protected] to reserve
your seat.
GO Competition
The Business Students Group is running a business
idea competition called GO. The challenge is to
submit a great idea and see if you have what it takes
to become a true entrepreneur. If you are keen to get
involved you can find more details on the Massey
website and go along with your idea on July 16,
6pm–8pm, at the Sir Neil Waters Theatre.
Writers Read
If you are a first year English student or are interested
in writing or reading we have an Albany Writers
Series where guest speakers read from their work
and talk about challenges they have faced. The series
offers engagement with talented writers. Manukau
Institute of Technology’s Creative Writing School
head Robert Sullivan, one of New Zealand’s most
vibrant and accomplished writers, will be speaking
on August 1 at 12pm in the Atrium. Everyone is
welcome and there will be tea, coffee and biscuits.
Tertiary Challenge
For sports’ lovers, Massey University and Unitec
are co-hosting the Northern Tertiary Challenge on
September 20 at Waitakere Trust Stadium. Team
Albany is looking to recruit a large team to win the
Tertiary Challenge shield off Unitec who have held
the shield for the last three years. This year there are
prizes for individual codes as well as player of the
tournament.
All sports are mixed, with the focus is on “social but
competitive”. They will include netball, basketball,
hockey, football, ultimate, volleyball and touch.
There is space for you in Team Albany no matter
what your level of ability. Contact Sarah Wymer at
[email protected] for further information.
Tasmin Wheeler
Massive Local notices
10
MANAWATU
LO C A L N OT I C E S
Unity and Diversity
August, the month of cultural celebration in
Palmerston North, is fast approaching.
Organisers of the annual Unity and Diversity and
the International Food Festival have gone all out to
plan even bigger and brighter events than in previous
years.
Held on August 17, U&D, is a celebration of
Massey University’s diverse range of cultures through
performances such as music, skits, and dance.
This year, U&D will show up to 15 acts including
performances from Manawatahi, Pacific Island (PI),
the VIVA choir, Fire, and Papa New Guinea Massey
clubs.
The performers will be predominantly Massey
students, and include a multitude of students from
different ethnic and cultural backgrounds.
The event was previously run by the Massey
University Student’s Association, but this year
Massey Club Development Officer, Gemma
Lindegren, has stepped up to organise the event.
Lindegren said last year’s event wasn’t very
successful, incurring a loss; however she hopes to
turn things around.
“This year we have started organising early
and have a committee that has several Massey
departments represented.
“We also are trying new initiatives so that the
student groups feel more like this is their event.”
These included having an opportunity to be on
the organising committee, prizes for the groups that
sold the most tickets, and opportunities to promote
the group in the foyer during the show.”
One of the highlights of last year’s event was a song
by a Chinese student, accompanied by an American
student, Lindegren said.
“They sang a mixture of Chinese and English, and
it just showed what U&D is about. It was beautiful.”
Aviation student and member of the Fiji club, Joeli
Nagera, is excited about taking part in the event.
“This is going to be my second year performing,
so I’m looking forward to another thrilling year of
unique performances that I’ve never encountered
before.”
Unity and Diversity, held at the Speirs Centre, will
feature two performances, at 4pm and 7.30pm.
Massivemagazine.org.nz
The International Food Festival will be held on
August 14 on concourse, during the common break.
It will give students a chance to share their culture
through food from their country of origin.
“Hopefully there will be heaps of yummy options
for students and staff to sample,” Lindegren said.
August also brings cultural celebrations for
Ramadan, for the 30 days from July 9, and Pakistani
Independence, on July 14.
Yvette Morrissey
Alcohol: A Palmy Problem
Many of us have experienced a night or five out on
the so-called “town” in Palmerston North.
Most of these nights, if not all, include the excessive
consumption of alcohol to help bring out the daring
dance moves. But though alcohol does loosen up the
inhibitions, it also can impair judgement, especially
when it comes to getting back home safely.
Steven Christodolou, a former security guard on
the Massey late night bus service, has seen first-hand
the effects of alcohol on the youth of the town. He
says it “makes people think they are 10ft tall” and
that it is okay to walk home.
However, even with the presence of security
guards and the police in the city centre, he believes
the “town is full of weirdos” and is not safe.
Of late, there have been a number of drunken
incidents and assaults throughout Palmerston
North, with a reported 24 people taken home or
to detox, and 53 offences of disorder, both in the
month of April alone.
Of course, many other incidents also go
unreported or undiscovered by the Police. This is
not just a recent problem. In August last year, two
young soldiers engaged in a violent brawl outside of
a bar, and a sex attack occurred at the start of this
year, involving a woman walking home alone in the
early hours.
The majority of youth are like Francesca, a 19
year old Massey student who frequents town. She
says she “doesn’t feel safe around town at all“, and
has been approached by drunken men on more than
one occasion. She says she often has no option but
to walk home alone, because she doesn’t have money
for a taxi and has been separated from her friends.
This situation of having no choice is something
Safety Advisory Board and Palmerston North City
Council are attempting to overcome.
The council has introduced and planned numerous
initiatives to make the community a safer place - to
protect the people of Palmerston North and ensure
their safety.
Maria Bennett, former City Safety Coordinator
for the Safety Advisory Board for the local council
said these included a current campaign of ”Look
After Your Mates”. Introduced in April, it involves
the setting up of a safe station in the targeted Main St
area, monitored by trained crowd controllers.
This will allow people to organise and wait for
transport, with the knowledge they are safe, and help
is nearby if needed.
However, there seems to be little awareness
amongst the target age group of 17-25 year-olds, the
youthful demographic of the region’s population.
With a greater awareness, this dire issue of drunken
assaults and disorderly conduct might improve – as
Maria says, there is a need for “education for the
young girls and the young guys” so that they can
make informed decisions about the course of action
to take in dangerous situations.
Rachel Purdie
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Massive Local notices
12
WELLINGTON
LO C A L N OT I C E S
NZSM presents Il Corsaro
Te Kōkī the New Zealand School of Music describes
it as a tale of pirates and plunder, flame and blood,
true love and impatient passion, in a true operatic
tradition where all does not end well…
This July, the school presents a four-performance
season of Verdi’s Il Corsaro. Il Corsaro follows the
tragic tale of a noble and heroic pirate captain,
Corrado, who is forced to leave his true love in order
to battle the Turkish Pasha Seid and attempt to
rescue the harem of slaves.
Performed for the first time in New Zealand and
sung in its traditional Italian form, the three act
opera celebrating the 200th anniversary of Italian
opera composer Giuseppe Verdi, stars some of New
Zealand’s emerging opera stars.
Christian Thurston, a 22-year-old who in his
3rd year at the school. is playing a lead role as the
villainous Pasha Seid.
Christian says he initially never had any intention
of pursuing a career in opera, but decided that music
would be an interesting subject to study.
“I thought I’d give it a go and haven’t looked back
since,” he says.
Il Corsaro is directed by well-known director, Sara
Brodie, and conducted by Kenneth Young.
It is the second time Christian has worked with
conductor Young, a man he finds “incredibly easy to
work with and extremely helpful”.
Brodie too is great to work with - “an amazing
director who pays a great attention to the smaller
detail”.
Isabella Moore, a 22-year-old recent graduate
playing her first prima donna role as Gulnara, Pasha
Seid’s favourite slave girl, says she discovered her
passion for opera almost by mistake”.
“I missed the application date for the University
of Auckland ELAM School of Fine Arts and my
parents convinced me to audition for The School of
Music instead.
“I now have no doubt in my mind that I am meant
Massivemagazine.org.nz
to sing opera,” the emerging Kiwi soprano says before
adding enthusiastically:
“I can’t wait to perform the role of Gulnara!”
While Gulnara is her first major performing role,
Isabella has had plenty of experience in classical
singing. Her career highlight so far is a toss-up
between winning the 2013 Becroft Grand Opera
aria and receiving the Iosefa Enari Memorial Award
at the Creative NZ Arts Pasifika award ceremony
in 2012.
“I have a feeling that after the opera in July, if you
asked me what would the highlight of my career
so far, being able to sing the role of Gulnara in Il
Corsaro would be at the top of the list,” she says.
Isabella advises aspiring student musicians to “go
for it. No doubts and no regrets”.
Many of the cast and young opera stars hope to
one day sing on an international stage. Isabella’s
dream is to sing at the Metropolitan opera.
“It’s a big dream, but I know if I put in the hard
work and stay focused I could get there one day,”
she says.
There is no doubt these young Kiwi stars have long
and bright futures ahead of them and, although their
journeys may be long ones, they are singing their way
to stardom - one note at a time.
Il Coraro will be performed between Friday
July 26-Tuesday July 30 at The Opera House in
Wellington.
Tickets can be purchased from Ticketek.
For more information on the performance visit
http://www.nzsm.ac.nz/events
Georgia Forrester
The Wellington BC One open workshop
took place at Toi Whakaari on 20th July. The
international breakdancing superstar, Roxrite,
showed off some of his moves and taught
his technique to other Wellington breakdancers.
As semester two commences, we understand that
transition back into study can be difficult so we’ll
make sure there’s plenty of wings for you guys on
campus. Stay posted on the MAWSA and MASSIVE
Facebook pages for event updates and free giveaways.
For those who haven’t heard, Trolley Grand Prix
is coming to New Zealand this year, which is going
to be huge. We’re going all-out this year by choosing
fewer teams and giving them the total star treatment
including visits from television crews. Make sure
you check out the details online and enter to hold
a place in the competition. As the creative campus
that we are, I think we could definitely take out the
winning title!
Goodluck for the start of semester two and
stay posted for the next wiiings update! Ruth Chan
Food for Thorpe
MASSIVE would like to acknowledge the final day of
Massey Wellington Students’ Association president
Ben Thorpe’s last day in office. On June 28, a bunch
of university staff went to MAWSA for some drinks
and nibbles to farewell Ben before he left the office
for the last time. On behalf of the university staff and
students, we would like to thank him for his service
to students. Charlotte Webb is taking on an actingpresidency position until elections in September
establish a new president for 2014.
Wiiings update
On May 31, the ONLY NZ Red Bull Collective
Art Gallery was held here on our turf, at Massey, in
the CoCA block. The gallery showcased all 19 NZ
submissions and nine segments taken from the
1.9km long digital artwork. Checkout www.redbull.
co.nz for photos of the gallery.
A MASSIVE Addition (or two)
MASSIVE welcomes two new staff members to the
Wellington pages. Sasha Borissenko and Brigitte
Masters will be your new reporters/blog managers
down here in the windy capital.
Morgan Browne
13
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Massive Local notices
14
PRIVACY: AN OBITUARY
What is actually on the internet? A lot of deep, dark things, it seems.
In light of recent privacy invasion allegations, are we safe in the online
domain? Charlie Mitchell investigates.
Mysteries are abundant in the field of astrophysics,
which is understandable for a discipline that literally
spans the entirety of the universe.
But one mystery in particular remains frustratingly
opaque, still puzzling scientists to this day. In the
1950s, stargazers directed their attention to faraway
galaxies in the hope they would illuminate the
complex variables that make up our own galaxy.
In the process, they discovered something
unexpected: the galaxies they analysed contained far
more mass than previously thought. The “observable
universe”, what we can personally see, appeared to be
only a fraction of the material making up the actual
universe.
A hypothetical substance called “dark matter”,that
does not reflect light and is therefore unobservable,
constitutes the missing mass. Though it has never
been directly detected, dark matter may constitute
over a quarter of the content of the universe, and its
exact properties remain ambiguous
The sprawling leviathan that is the internet shares
a number of similarities to the universe.
Every day brings us closer to the inevitable Tronlike digital reality, where our mortal bodies are cast
aside for a virtual, cerebral existence in a constructed
universe that improves on our actual one.
But, much like the physical universe, our
perception of the internet is limited to what you can
directly see – or, in most cases, what you can search
for on Google. There is a massive amount of content
hidden below the surface of the web that is ‘unlisted’
- not indexed by search engines - and can only be
accessed if you know the address.
This is the first layer of “the deep web”, and it’s
mostly innocuous. But the second layer of the deep
web, which holds content that can only be accessed
through specialised anonymising software, exists
Massivemagazine.org.nz
like the dark matter of the internet, hidden and
unobservable to most people.
This network has, and will continue to have,
enormous implications for the future of cyber
security in an era of unprecedented government
surveillance.
It also has assassins.
Web billionaires and Cyber pervs
When we’re on the internet, we open ourselves up
to invasions of privacy on a daily basis.
As far as methods of communication go, the
internet is perhaps the least secure: the recently
revealed PRISM scheme, of which exact details
remain unclear, apparently allows the US government
to collect and monitor the communications of nonUS citizens on websites like Facebook and Google.
Similar powers exist for our own GCSB, who used
private communications (later ruled as illegal) to
justify the raid on Kim Dotcom.
Facebook itself makes no secret of the fact that its
business model is intrinsically linked to selling the
privacy of its users to advertisers*; similar practices
are associated with most online services that are free
to use.
This is a process that has become increasingly
normalised - by using a service, particularly one that
involves personal information, you consent to your
details being handed to anyone willing to pay for it.
Practices like this have led to the creation of sites like
Mega.co.nz, which go to great lengths to secure the
data given to it by its users.
As described by Mega CEO Vikram Kumar,
this is quickly becoming a practice that worries
consumers. “Not only is there concern about
ubiquitous government surveillance, there is also
an increasing number of people who are looking for
an alternative to the “free services in exchange for
targeted advertising and tracking” business model
that underlies most of the free online services today.”
The sheer extent of this monitoring makes
it difficult to conduct your business in private,
particularly if that business is of potential interest to
a spying government.
Surveillance is even possible on a person to person
basis: it’s easy to accidentally install a RAT (Remote
Administration Tool) on your computer, which
allows a malicious user complete access to your
personal files, your system files, and even allows them
to watch you through your webcam.
There are entire communities where people of
questionable morals mess around with their “slaves”
(people who have inadvertently installed a RAT),
by seizing control of their computer as the “slave”
watches on in confusion.* The internet has become a way to exert control on
both an individual and a collective level. Fortunately,
an underground exists, where people can conduct
themselves away from prying eyes.
* A model which led its founder, a young Mark
Zuckerberg, to say (in regards to early users of
Facebook), “They trust me — dumb fucks”. Probably
just a youthful indiscretion, but it doesn’t exactly
inspire faith in the person who holds the information
of more than a billion people. Incidentally, it is this sort
of mentality that led Julian Assange to call Facebook
“the most appalling spying machine that has ever been
invented”.
* To expand on this - if the webcam light on your
computer flashes on unexpectedly, someone could be
using it to watch you. It’s worth covering the webcam
with tape when you’re not using it. Or, alternatively,
shout threats of legal action at your computer every so
often, just in case.
15
MASSIVE FEATURE
16
The Deep Web
The “deep web” (in the interest of simplicity, I’m
using this term to exclusively refer to content that
can only be accessed through a particular way; the
actual term is much broader, but there’s no point
getting lost in specifics), for the law-abiding citizens
of the first world, has historically been a curio for
those who want a glimpse at the internet equivalent
of “the wrong side of town”. It’s fairly easy to access:
a piece of software named Tor will allow you to
connect to the Tor network, concealing your IP
address in the process.
It can be tricky to navigate for the uninitiated.
Web addresses on the Tor network are a projectile
vomit of random letters and numbers, in no way
indicating what sort of content the site holds. There
is no search engine. You need the exact address of
any site you want to go to, making access to many
sites highly exclusive.
The most popular place on the deep web is “The
Silk Road”, which is a virtual marketplace for drugs,
pornography, and fake documentation. Through the
virtual currency Bitcoin, you can buy heroin, meth,
cocaine, cannabis, hallucinogens, and prescription
drugs with complete anonymity, which will then be
delivered to your door.
Much like Trademe, traders have a feedback
system which separates the scammers from the
legitimate dealers. By all accounts, it is a largely
foolproof way to obtain illicit substances: an analysis
of 180,000 transactions found that 98 per cent of
feedback placed was positive.
The Silk Road’s sister site, “The Armory”, offers
a similar marketplace for guns and ammunition.
Another site offers fake US citizenship for $10,000.
Groups with names like “C’thulu” and “White
Wolves Professionals” offer to assassinate a person of
your choosing*.
“The Human Experiment” appears to chronicle
a series of experiments performed on human
subjects who have been kidnapped. A professional
pickpocket will steal anything you want from a list
of pre-approved stores. “Hard Candy” is a wiki for
pedophiles, which collects links to discussion forums
about how to seduce, molest, and even kidnap
children, alongside links to actual child pornography.
* Prices range from $10,000 to $15,000,000,
depending on how important the assassinee is.
Of course, a lot of these things will send a properly
calibrated bullshit detector into overdrive. There is
very little to prevent someone from creating a site
with an outlandish premise, hoping to join the cult
of infamy that is the deep web’s most controversial
websites.
Massivemagazine.org.nz
But there is no doubt the relative anonymity of the
Tor network is conducive to illegal activity, offfering
lawbreakers a platform to operate in secrecy*.
* It is extremely difficult to find people using the
Tor network because of the way it is configured. The
internet is a series of tubes: when you access something
on a website, your computer sends a request through
the tube connected to your router. The request reaches
the server where this information is held, and sends
it back through the tube. With Tor, this is far more
complicated. When you file a request, it passes through
several other computers connected to the network
before it reaches its destination. At filing, your data is
encrypted a number of times, hiding contents such as
your location, what you requested, etc. Each computer
your data passes through partially decrypts the request,
until it makes it to the server.
Just a bunch of internet jerks?
When millions of Iranians flooded the streets of
Tehran in 2009, they probably weren’t aware of the
precedent they were establishing. Iran is no stranger
to the threat of revolution: it has formed a major
force in Iranian society, and it has inspired a radical
upending of the status quo more than once. But this
time was different.
As incumbent President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
celebrated another commanding victory in the
general election, despite a suspicious lack of public
approval for his re-election, an enraged populace
fought the brazen corruption in a way that hadn’t
been seen in the Islamic Republic for decades.
Battles raged on the streets for weeks, continuing
in private for much longer, as many protesters
were taken from their homes and imprisoned for
ambiguous crimes.
This outbreak of public defiance, which had
been simmering for years under an increasingly
oppressive regime, became a real-world usage case
for the Tor network. It had been previously utilised
by journalists and whistleblowers as a way to transfer
covert documents, but these cases were hardly
mainstream.
Tor now has a compelling defense for its existence:
it is a way to subvert regimes that extensively filter
and surveil the internet for any content that
contravenes the range of ideas that is permitted by
the government*.
*In Iran, this is virtually everything. For years
there has been discussion of a “Halal internet”, where
Iranians would only be able to access pre-approved sites
hosted on Iranian servers. Similarly progressive nations
like Myanmar, North Korea, and Cuba also employ
such a system. This is, of course, completely insane which is why Reporters without Borders list Iran as one
of their “12 enemies of the internet”.
Even if nothing fundamentally changed in Iran,
there was still a revolution of sorts: the internet,
particularly social media, became a virtual town
square for demonstrations against the government.
The protests predicted a trend that was later fulfilled
by the Arab Spring revolutions in Egypt and Libya,
where the populace could organise and share ideas
effectively through the internet.
The power of this is difficult to overstate. Since,
several Middle Eastern governments have gone
to extreme measures to actively disrupt internet
communications in an attempt to contain protests.
Just days after the initial uprising in Egypt, internet
traffic from the country disappeared completely:
the Egyptian government, barely clinging to life
and desperate to shake the unwavering beast that is
social media, launched a cyber attack against its own
citizens.
The blackout became widely regarded as the
first instance in which a modern, technologically
advanced country was completely disconnected
from the internet.
More recently, in a breathtakingly audacious
statement of intent, Turkish prime minister Tayyip
Erdogan said, “There is a problem called Twitter
right now and you can find every kind of lie there
... the thing that is called social media is the biggest
trouble for society right now”.
This is the human being who holds ultimate
control over the infrastructure of Turkey, and can
filter and control the population’s access to the
internet. When governments live in such abject fear
of their people that they’ll imprison people for using
twitter - which has also recently happened in Kuwait
- the anonymity of Tor, which bypasses the filters
and firewalls put up by regressive governments, is a
tempting proposition.
“Because Twitter and other websites were blocked,
people in Egypt actually used Tor as a proxy for their
web browser,” says Tor project spokesman Jacob
Applebaum. “They knew that they could install
Tor and they would be able to get past the Internet
censorship in their country, which was their primary
concern.”
Tor isn’t just a dingy basement that harbours
illegal content: while using the Tor browser, you
can access any site you want, with virtually complete
anonymity. It offers people a way to engage with the
world outside of the beady eye of their government,
an invaluable commodity in a region where leaders
are hostile to democratic platforms.
17
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MASSIVE FEATURE
18
If the most damning things in your search history
are a couple of Taylor Swift videos you drunkenly
watched, then what is there to worry about?
Here is a rather bizarre paradox. The network that
has enraptured the public imagination with tales
of hitmen and drug dealing, known as the dimly
lit, hangout for thieves and paedophiles and arms
dealers, is now perhaps the most powerful force for
democratic revolution in the developing world.
The Eye of Sauron
It’s easy to feel separated from these issues in New
Zealand. But we are certainly not exempt from them,
and it’s worth being aware of how they can affect us.
Edward Snowden, whistleblower turned Jason
Bourne impersonator, recently revealed the extent to
which the global population were being monitored*.
The NSA (US), GCHQ (UK), and various other
intelligent arms of nations around the world
(including our own GCSB) are actively trading
information and monitoring the communications of
other countries.
*Snowden has since been labelled a “spy” by the
US government, and faces charges of espionage... all
for revealing details of the government’s own spying
programme. Whether the earth-shattering irony
of this has permeated the White House remains
unclear.
To most of us, this may not seem a big deal: if the
most damning things in your search history are a
couple of Taylor Swift music videos you drunkenly
watched, then what is there to worry about?
Hank Wolfe, an associate professor at the
University of Otago who specialises in computer
security, describes it like this:
“Well, people when constantly surveilled are
adversely affected. Ubiquitous surveillance changes
peoples’ behaviour: what they plan, what they
say, what they do, and who they do it with... The
East German [secret service] Stasi were masters of
surveillance – so much so as to make East German
citizens afraid of what they said amongst friends
and family lest they be turned in or identified by the
watchers to be subversive.”
This is one of the fundamental problems with any
form of nation-wide surveillance. Even if the intent
of the surveillance is to impede terrorist activities,
the sheer breadth of power afforded the state can cast
doubt in the minds of ordinary people.
What happens when a government redefines
the word “terrorist” to mean anyone who opposes
the regime? This is what has happened in several
Massivemagazine.org.nz
countries in the Middle East, and it seems like an
inevitable byproduct of unregulated power.
But if you’ve nothing to hide, what’s the problem?
Wolfe:
“Proponents of this sort of activity often use the
“nothing to hide, nothing to fear” assertion implying
that privacy is somehow tainted by being subversive
or criminal... let’s not be intimidated by those who
would steal our freedoms and who would use the
“nothing to hide, nothing to fear” trick to achieve
their objectives.”
In other words, guilt is assumed until innocence
is proven: attempting to retain one’s moral right to
privacy can be seen as an assertion of wrongdoing.
This is a sentiment echoed by Mega CEO Vikram
Kumar: “People should therefore assume that every
action they take online- from the specific websites
they visit to whom they email to the contents of their
emails - are all tracked, stored or read.
That should be of concern to people. The “I’ve
done nothing wrong and have nothing to hide/fear”
argument in favour of a surveillance state is simply
wrong and naive.
No-one is exempt from the repercussions of this
issue - individuals, families, and businesses all stand
to lose from these practices.
TUANZ CEO Paul Brislen, says, “I think a lot of
companies will question whether storing important
company documents in the cloud is a sensible idea
given this level of intrusion – we could end up
stifling the growth of a really useful business tool if
we’re not careful.”
These practices may change the way people engage
with an entire medium. If every action you or your
business performs on the internet requires you to
pause to consider whether the government at the
time may have a problem with it, then we’ve ceded
a staggering amount of liberty in the interest of the
ambiguous comfort of “safety”.
John Robb, author and military analyst, explains
the global shift towards surveillance like this. When
the military is required to handle dangerous objects
like nuclear weapons, standard forms of control and
protection aren’t sufficient.
They require what is called “positive control”,
a system where the dangerous object undergoes
constant surveillance, monitoring, and testing.
When the systems used to monitor the dangerous
object fail to give a response, that’s when people start
to panic. The danger comes when the constant flow
of information stops, which is when the system takes
action.
Societies are run under a system of “negative
control”, which is the exact reverse of “positive
control”. These systems do not constantly receive
data; they are focused on detecting exceptions,
like criminal activity. Good behaviour is the norm.
When the system becomes aware of an exception, it
takes action.
What we may be seeing is a reversal of these
systems. Positive control, which is typically applied
to dangerous objects, is gradually being applied to
entire populations.
If everyone is a potential enemy of the state, then
everyone requires constant monitoring: our location,
the sites we visit, and our phone communications,
are all forms of data that can be monitored. When
someone tries to hide from this surveillance, it can be
seen as a dangerous act - in the attempt to hide, they
reveal that they have something that needs hiding.
This is where the Tor network becomes important.
The sheer amount of data collected by security
agencies can be used in any way the state sees fit.
We’ve already seen the crippling effect this sort
of monitoring has had in the Middle East, with
mass restrictions on the range of ideas permitted to
be discussed. That’s not to say the same thing will
happen here.: we can’t entirely commit to parallels
when we consider the sharp difference in cultural
attitudes.
But what we are heading towards is a future where
the moral comfort of privacy is non-existent, where
information is criminal, and where guilt is assumed
until innocence is proven becomes the standard.
“If Kiwis continue to be apathetic and allow
their elected representatives to give the authority to
carry out ubiquitous surveillance then a surveillance
society (aka totalitarian society) is inevitable in New
Zealand, and within the not too distant future”,
Wolfe concedes.
Tor, with its arms dealers and child pornographers,
may be the best hope we’ve got.
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20
JOB INTERVIEWS – THE FINAL HURDLE
Ever wondered why you didn’t get that job you applied for? Could it have
been the way you performed in the interview? Morgan Lee sets out to find
the right advice on how to master the art of interviews.
We often hear horror stories of job interviews that
have gone wrong. As students, we study for long
periods, and when the time comes we are finally able
to apply for our dream jobs. Interviews aren’t easy to
master, but with time, candidates improve.
The importance of job interviews cannot be
stressed enough. They are, in most cases, the
determining factor in obtaining that dream job. They
are a way for employees to judge our appearance, our
body language, and analyse the way we communicate
accordingly.
Picture this: You sent your resume to an
organisation last week. The Executive Manager rings
you – they want to interview you for the available
position. You quickly hang up and rush over to your
closet to find the outfit you will wear. You think to
yourself ‘they’re quite a laid-back firm so this peplum
dress will look perfect, plus my ass always looks great
in this’.
Interview day arrives and you think you’re ready.
You’ve covered yourself in your favourite perfume,
and even though your hair is a tad messy, you think
your dazzling smile will outweigh your obvious flaws.
A panel of three interviewers welcome you into
the room. As soon as you sit down you realise they
are dressed very professionally, quite the opposite of
yourself. They begin asking questions that you don’t
have a clue of how to answer.
Interviewer: “What is the name of our Chief
Executive Officer?”
Interviewee: “Um…to be honest I wouldn’t have a
clue…Donald Trump?”
Interviewer: “Are you familiar with our company’s
mission statement?”
Massivemagazine.org.nz
Interviewee: (awkward silence).
Interviewer: “Okay, well thank-you. We should be
in touch soon.”
You leave the room as quickly as you can. You
tell yourself that the interviewers must have been
in a foul mood, that’s why it didn’t go according to
plan. A week later you hear through a friend that
another person got the job. You still believe it was
the interviewers’ fault and not yours.
As soon as you step foot into an interview, the
employees are taking notes of how you appear.
First impressions often stick with a person, so it’s
important that you represent yourself in a way that
is accurate and worthy.
Trish Fleetwood, Careers Adviser, Massey
University Albany, reinforces the idea that
“projecting a confident and professional image is
essential” to giving good first impressions.
It may seem quite shallow or materialistic, but
interviewees are instinctively judged by the way they
present themselves.
Rob Milne from GradConnection New Zealand
believes that students should dress to reflect the
nature of the organisation.
“Make sure you dress suitably for the job interview.
If they are likely to be wearing a suit, then dress up.
If the organisation is casual, then dress accordingly.
However, always make sure you are presentable.”
Ryan Willoughby, President of the Massey
Association of Communication Group (MACS),
applied for a job at a local McDonald’s restaurant
when he was younger. He didn’t get it, but he says
it was because they were worried that he was already
over-committed. He also admits that his outfit wasn’t
suitable. “I wore a tie to the interview - probably not
the best decision I’ve made”.
Dean Jervis, Sales and Marketing Manager of
Student Job Search New Zealand, agrees that selfpresentation for interviews is imperative to ensure
applicants don’t make typical interview mistakes.
“Some are just plain sloppy and do not present
themselves well”. He uses a metaphor in conjunction
with the topic of self-presentation, by comparing
students to houses: a nicely presented and tidy house
as opposed to an unclean house. Which would you
prefer to live in/be?
He says common mistakes students make while
being interviewed are when they “talk themselves up
but fail to make the link of how that will add value to
the business employing them”.
Massey student Caitlin, 20, says she experienced
a terrible job interview at an Auckland retail store,
where the interviewer asked her very personal and
inappropriate questions. The interviewer even asked
her what she would do if she were employed and fell
pregnant.
“I was 18 at the time and I was pretty mortified.
I just thought it was completely irrelevant.” She says
the interview lasted just over 20 minutes, and she
admits that once the interviewer offended her, her
attitude changed.
“My phone rang in the last five minutes and
usually I would be embarrassed to answer a call in
an interview, but I couldn’t have felt more relieved.”
Nevertheless, it’s not just students who sometimes
experience bad job interviews. Anybody can end up
feeling tongue-tied in an interview that has gone
pear-shaped, and sometimes it is simply out of the
interviewee’s control.
21
When she sat down, the top
twisted to the side and her
breast popped out. The
manager and myself had a very
difficult time interviewing as
we couldn’t stop giggling.
Here are a few examples of job interviews that
turned for the worse. These examples are from
international websites and are not in any way related
to people interviewed in this article:
“We had a girl apply for the position of a nurse
in a nursing home. She presented very casually in a
loose white singlet top. When she sat down the top
twisted to the side and her breast (no bra) popped
out through the armhole. The manager and myself
had a very difficult time interviewing as we couldn’t
stop giggling. No, sadly, she didn’t get the position.”
“One recent grad I was interviewing tried to show
me how dedicated she was by looking me dead in
the eye and saying, ‘I’m so good, I guarantee I’ll
have your job in a year.’ Since I didn’t want to be on
unemployment this time next year, I didn’t call her
for a second interview.”
“I had set up an interview with a young guy, who
arrived with a backpack in tow. As soon as he sat
down and I began explaining the position, he pulled
out a sandwich and started chowing down! He then
opened a bottle of water and proceeded to drink and
eat right there on the other side of my desk. When I
asked him what he was doing, he replied, ‘I haven’t
eaten yet.”
When a job interview begins, both the interviewee
and the interviewer have an obligation to act
professionally according to their roles.
Massey student Gemma McLean says she endured
a horrible interview. “The two people interviewing
me were flirting with each other. There was a lot of
giggling. I just sat there feeling very awkward.”
It seems that in some instances it isn’t just the
interviewee who contributes to a ‘bad’ interview –
the interviewer can potentially spoil your chances,
too.
To ensure you are well prepared for future
interviews, Dr Elizabeth Gray, Senior Lecturer at
Massey Wellington says you should be organised and
prepared beforehand.
“Often, students don’t do enough homework
about a company.” By researching the organisation,
applicants will show they are taking the job interview
and the position they applying for seriously.
Dr Gray says that feeling nervous for an interview
is perfectly normal. “If I shake an interviewee’s hand
and see that they are nervous and they are trying
hard, I think good on them”.
She also stresses the fact that students should
always depict themselves in a truthful way. “Don’t
try and over-sell yourself in order to get the
position”. If students act as if they are capable of
anything, employers will expect such things, and
if expectations aren’t met then students will look
somewhat deceptive.
Many of us will go through numerous interviews
in a lifetime. Although our interview skills may
improve, we will never fully be able to predict the
outcome.
Here are some important tips, which will help
students avoid bad interviews:
Thoroughly research the position and the
organisation you are applying for.
Make sure you are aware of what questions could
pop up in the interview.
Rehearse what you intend to tell the interviewers.
Be prepared to ask questions, to show that you are
interested.
Take pride in your appearance. This includes
personal hygiene (use deodorant).
Tone down make-up, accessories, and perfume/
cologne (the interviewer may find the fragrances
offensive).
Show that you have a positive attitude and you are
willing to learn.
Always take your CV.
Act professionally, but make sure you are still
being yourself.
MASSIVE FEATURE
22
ANNA’S STORY: AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
As told to Yvette Morrissey.
I met Daniel (name changed) through mutual
friends. He was charming, attractive, and one of the
funniest guys I’d ever met.
We took things slowly at first because I had just
got out of a serious relationship, but he was so kind
and sweet I found myself falling for him quickly.
Daniel was extremely popular among our group of
friends; he was the life of the party, literally.
I didn’t realise it at first, because I thought he was
just drunk, but he always had a supply of cocaine,
speed, party pills and ecstasy for himself and his
friends.
When I found out he was doing drugs, I got really
angry, but he told me, “I just do it every now and
again, it’s no big deal. The media make drugs sound
way worse than they actually are.”
He told me if I took the correct amount every
time, I couldn’t overdose, and it wouldn’t do any
harm to my body. I believed him, and I had my first
hit of cocaine at a party he was hosting.
He only gave me a little bit, but later on he started
having a reaction to the drug. I took him outside,
away from the party, and he threw up several times
on the footpath. I knew then I needed to get him off
the drugs.
He cried, telling me he needed me to help him. I
promised I would try my hardest. I encouraged him
to go to a counsellor, which he said he would. It never
happened and things started to get worse.
He told me he was weaning himself off “the hard
stuff ” and instead took party pills. He assured me
they were the legal kind, but the following day when
Massivemagazine.org.nz
I Googled them, I found out they were banned from
sale in New Zealand.
To this day I don’t know why I swallowed the pills,
but I guess it was a combination of wanting to fit in
and not be known as the fun sponge. I started to feel
faint after a while; my whole body felt as though it
were shimmering. I couldn’t move.
Daniel was inside the pub playing on the pokies.
When his mates told him he needed to take me
home, he told them to wait until he was finished.
I sat in the corner of the room barely able to hold
myself up.
When he did take me back to his place about
half an hour later, I threw up more times than I can
remember, and couldn’t get out of bed until 5pm the
next day. When I first got up, I fainted twice.
Daniel had given me four pills, when the
recommended dosage was one pill per 60kg body
weight. At that time I weighed less than that. Anyone
could have taken advantage of me, I realised, and I
gave Daniel an ultimatum: he needed to get away
from the whole party scene, or I would leave him.
He cried again, told me he was trying, and that he
was getting better. Stupidly, I believed him, and gave
him another chance.
It wasn’t too long until he was back on the drugs.
The first time he told me he loved me was when I
he was snorting speed through a fifty dollar note. I
realised I loved him too. It didn’t occur to me why he
carried around so much cash - he only worked part
time and didn’t earn a hell of a lot.
I soon learned he was taking a cut of the money
from his dealer, who would give him pills which he
would pass on to his friends.
We had a huge argument. I told him that was it, I
was leaving him. He started crying again, and I told
him he was a pathetic drug dealer. He grabbed me
by the throat and choked me, squeezing my neck so
hard that I couldn’t breathe.
I remember batting at him with my hands,
pleading with my eyes for him to stop. He had this
creepy smile on his face, as though it was turning him
on. When he let go, I told him never to touch me like
that again. He told me we were just “play-fighting”.
I guess I was in denial at that time; I blamed his
behaviour on the fact he was coming off the drugs.
He convinced me he wasn’t really a drug dealer, that
if his friends were going to do drugs, he didn’t want
them to buy direct from his dealer, who could get
vicious when angered.
That was the first time he physically attacked me.
He choked me three more times after that, as well as
punching me in the breast and pushing me so hard I
fell over on the ground after I got angry when he told
me he didn’t like what I was wearing.
He slapped me when he saw me talking to my guy
friend in town one night, and told me he would kill
him if I ever talked to him again. He said he would
slit my throat if I ever cheated on him.
Over the uni break, my cousin asked me to come
and live with her in Auckland. She was a single mum
needing someone to baby sit her kids while she was
at work. It worked out well for me because she let
me live there for free, and fed me as well. I arranged
a part-time job myself, and prepared to tell Daniel I
was moving to Auckland for a few months.
23
Surprisingly, he was understanding. Things were
getting a bit intense with us, and I needed some
space. The night before I was due to leave, we made
a picnic dinner and ate it at a park close by my flat.
We were chatting normally, when all of a sudden
he started screaming at me. He called me a “fucking
evil bitch”, and told me how rude and disrespectful
I was to everyone. He told me all my friends hated
me, and that he should leave me because I was such
a bitch.
I started crying and stormed off. I was packing
my things to go and stay at a friend’s place when he
turned up, angry I had left him at the park.
He told me he needed me in his life to change,
and that he had booked an appointment with a
counsellor. I offered to drive him home, seeing as he
didn’t have a car. When we were almost at his flat, he
told me if I dropped him off and didn’t get out with
him, that was me ending it. I told him I would still
be there for him and, after he had seen a counsellor,
we could talk.
He said, if I didn’t go inside with him, there was
never a chance for us. I followed him inside.
I’m sure you’re thinking how I could have been
so stupid to stay with Daniel. Looking back, I think
the same thing, but I truly believed I could help him.
I was naive thinking I could change him. I learned
that you can never change a person; it’s up to them to
change themselves.
Moving to Auckland was the best thing for me.
Getting away from the situation enabled me to look
at it from the outside, and I realised I was happier on
my own. I ended things with Daniel over the phone,
and got the same sob story. This time I didn’t listen,
boldly telling him we were never going to get back
together.
The advice I have for other girls and guys in my
situation, is to look out for the signs. It started out
with some name calling, but progressively got worse.
I lost 10 kilos in only a few months from the stress of
the relationship. A man - or a woman - should never,
under any circumstances, hurt you on purpose.
Remove yourself from the situation: take a holiday,
move town, just get away.
I’m happy to say that now I’m engaged to a
fantastic man, and last year gave birth to our first
daughter. I haven’t seen Daniel since, but I have
heard from friends that he has a new girlfriend. I only
hope he doesn’t do to her what he did to me.
Look out for the signs
Palmerston North Women’s Refuge manager Ang
Jury says many abusive relationships start out similar
to Anna’s (name changed) story, but to look out for
signs.
“If your partner wants to be with you 24/7,
wants to know where you are all time and is acting
possessive, something sinister is probably going on.
They may also try to isolate you socially from friends
and family.
“The key thing young women need to remember
is, if something feels wrong, it probably is.”
Many women trying to leave abusive partners are
subject to emotional manipulation, Dr Jury says
“It’s common for an abusive partner to threaten
suicide or self-harm: ‘If you leave me, I’ll kill myself ’.”
This year Women’s Refuge was involved in
launching SHERO, a programme aimed at educating
young people to look out for signs their friends are in
violent relationships. It is a contraction of “she” and
“hero”.
“A SHERO is someone who stands up for female
rights. In order to become a SHERO, one must want
to do something to help the women’s cause,” Dr Jury
says.
Asked what women in abusive relationships
should do, she adds:
“Ring us and talk about your concerns. If you’re
not comfortable doing that, visit our website.”
Some people feel they are setting off something
they can’t control, or putting a label on their
relationship if they contact Women’s Refuge, but
they shouldn’t be afraid, she says.
“We don’t tell them to do anything: we listen,
offer support and, should they need it, we offer safe
houses all over the country if someone feels their life
is in danger.”
On July 19, Woman’s Refuge will be raising
awareness on the Palmerston North campus about
domestic abuse, collecting donations and answering
any questions students may have.
If you suspect that you or someone you know is
in an abusive relationship, call Women’s Refuge
on 0800 REFUGE (0800 733 843), or visit their
website: www.womensrefuge.org.nz
To find out how to become a SHERO, visit the
Women’s Refuge website.
MASSIVE FEATURE
24
YOU KNOW I CAN’T EAT YOUR GHOST CHIPS
Drink Driving is a huge issue. As the future leaders of this floating land
mass of ours, it’s important we think about the impact of what having a
few bevies before we head home actually means. Amie Broxton explains.
In simple terms, if you drink then drive, you’re a
bloody idiot. But it’s not really that simple. The
people of New Zealand have started to play a
potentially lethal game of chicken by trying to work
out how many drinks they can consume in the time
frame they plan to be out.
The age-old mantra might be “eating’s cheating”,
but many today consider eating is a legitimate way to
attempt to get around the limits. And with the New
Zealand Herald advertising the fact you can actually
have four-and-a-half drinks over a three-hour period
before you fall over the limit (based on a woman,
70kg, 1.65m tall), it’s no surprise people are now
questioning what else might affect how much you
can legally have before driving.
Recently there was a post on Facebook from a
friend saying, “By the way I’m feeling this morning,
I don’t think I should have driven home last night,
LOL”. I was shocked, but not surprised.
I was shocked because of the blasé way in which
this friend had laughed off the fact she had driven
drunk, but not surprised, because this particular
friend is a repeat offender.
Before you judge me for not having stopped her
and being a Bloody Legend, I would like to point
out that our group of friends has tried on multiple
occasions, with a variety of methods, to try and stop
her while she is drunk. We have even sat her down
and talked it out while she’s sober. She appeared to
understand and stopped for a while, but then it just
started up again.
I don’t, nor will I ever understand, why people
who drink-drive take these risks. I went to a high
school where kids dropped off like flies in my forms
6 and 7 and the years after because of drunk driving.
Not always because they were the ones in the wrong.
A couple were in the car with someone driving under
the influence, others were on the wrong stretch of
road at the wrong time. Each and every single one of
them, gone, just like that.
Why? Because someone made the poor decision
to get behind the wheel of a car.
So the question is, have you ever had a few drinks,
felt a bit off, but decided to drive anyway?
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The reality is, even if you’re not over the legal
limit, you might be over your own personal limit,
and you’re just as dangerous on the road. I’ve asked
others if they have ever driven when they knew they
shouldn’t have, some said yes, and all but one of them
were ashamed and embarrassed by their choice to do
so.
Those directly affected by the poor choices of a
drink driver will tell you, it’s just not worth it. The
loss of a loved one, or the end to your own life, is not
worth that $7 rum and coke. As Constable Zak Exler
of the Waitakere Police station says, “Just don’t do it,
simple as that.”
He’s seen the mess at the other end of drink driving
car crashes, and knows firsthand, it isn’t pretty.
Without even looking at the stats, we know drink
driving is a huge issue, and that the government is
doing it’s very best to convince people it’s a bad idea.
I can count four different ads that have been played
on TV in recent months, all aimed at different
demographics.
Some take the funny track, while others take the
more visually horrific. At the moment, the humorous
approach is being used, with shock ads taking the
back seat. Whether one approach is better than
the other, it’s hard to say. Statistics take time to be
collated and reviewed to make the best sense of them.
But as is obvious by the ghost chips’ ad, the worst
offenders by far are the blokes. Fifteen–24 year old
men in 2011 accounted for more than 9000 drinkdriving offences. To put that into perspective, blokes
from 25 to 44 cover the same number of offences
over twice the number of years.
But not to forget the ladies out there. The same
15-24 year group for women had more than 3000
drink driving offences. Add that up: 12,000 drink
driving offences in New Zealand by the under 24’s
in 2011.
You might be waving your hand saying this won’t
happen to me. Well here’s just a little bit of insight
for you: if you’re lucky enough not to end up dead
while driving drunk, what happens if you get caught?
As first time offenders, you will lose your licence for
six months or more, you might end up in prison for
up to three months and a whooping great fine of up
to $4500. For those under 20 caught drunk driving,
the penalty is loss of licence for three months or
more, prison for up to three months, and a fine of
up to $2250.
And that’s just if you’re in the lower reaches of
being over the limit. The big thing is, what if you kill
someone else while you’re driving drunk: up to 10
years in prison, loss of licence for a year or more and
a fine of up to $20,000.
Not to mention the psychological trauma
involved. The sleepless nights and vivid nightmares,
the snapshots of death that will haunt you. And it
will haunt you.
Now bear in mind that all of this is just the stuff
that will happen to you in the short-term. The longterm stuff, like being rejected for jobs because of a
prior history of criminal conviction, is going to affect
the rest of your life in a much bigger way. After all,
what is the point of getting that lovely shiny degree
done and dusted if you can’t put it to use because no
one wants to employ you?
So driving drunk, it’s a bit bigger than just having
a few beers and jumping in the car to head home.
Think about your future and what it means.
Personally, I’m an advocate for having cars that
will only turn on if you’re under the limit. That way
no one has the chance to drive under the influence.
But the roll-out of this technology is most likely still
a little while off being available for all vehicles.
So plan ahead. I know it’s cheesy, and it’s most
likely what you get from your mum, but believe it or
not, she’s right. All it takes is making sure you have
your ass covered.
Or if it’s a spur of the moment thing, make sure
you have enough cash to pay for a taxi or, if you’re
broke, maybe the bus. My point is, if you’re headed
for a big night out or maybe just a few “beersies” with
your mates, sort out the transport thing before you
start.
That way there is no confusion. And if your
designated driver ends up pissed anyway, make them
pay for the taxi. End of.
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WHY MOVE?
What is parkour? Some would say it involves running around, jumping off
bridges, and flipping off walls. Max Bell explains what this sport is, and
why we need to move.
Comparable to skateboarding in its emergence from
the street into the mainstream, parkour also took off
from humble beginnings of kids just playing around.
Skateboarding took roughly 30 years from its
invention to the time it become well recognised, but
this street activity gained mainstream recognition in
as little as 10. Labeled as the first “internet age sport”,
it took the web 2.0 age by storm.
Its growth can be attributed to the coinciding
rise of video sharing and social media sites. The easy
sharing of media that these avenues made possible
allowed people to share its mind-blowing feats.
On the internet, people leapt tall buildings in a
single bound and took impacts that would shatter
spines. Big media soon picked up on the style, and
stunts inspired by its jumps were showcased in
movies and video games.
Today, parkour is practiced all over the world,
even in places far from its birthplace of a small
suburb in France, even in New Zealand.
On a rainy Sunday, myself and some friends met
up with two photographers and head to a spot
we’ve nicknamed “mini-Russia” after its run-down,
urban-decayed style of architecture, characteristic
of scenery from the high-skill-level videos out of
Russia. It’s a country where every child is required
to take gymnastics in school and military service is
compulsory for males aged 18-27 – and thus breeds
strong parkour practitioners and mind-blowing
videos.
Mini-Russia is a hidden spot, right in the middle
of the CBD, but a spot few people would know
exists. It is a rooftop – dark, decayed, and jumbled
with railings, exposed pipes, and suspended metal
walkways.
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On one side is a ravine formed of concrete you
could dump a body down. Building on a hill without
concern for the gaps created between the oddly
placed buildings has created a mess of ravines and
narrow tunnels.
On another side is what possibly was once a
sought-after rooftop apartmen, is now empty.
Looking through its windows reveals prime office
space in the central city, if only it were not in the
midst of urban-sprawl.
We’ve often toyed with the idea of renting it out
and opening a parkour gym – condition of entry into
the beginner class is that you can get to the gym’s
front door.
The entire rooftop is private property, but it’s
so forgotten that not even taggers have ruined
its surfaces. It’s a perfect hideaway to train alone,
undisturbed. We dump our bags and begin.
Amidst the rain, Louis runs up the top and jumps
over a five-storey drop between two driveways. The
distance is small, the drop is big, and it suits the
photographer’s cameras perfectly.
We practise climbing among the exposed girders
and vaulting over a low wall. Flips, gainers, corks,
kongs, precisions, and so on, are our vocabulary –
both physically and verbally.
Outside of this world of ours, the rain continues
to fall over the city. In the apartments nearby, people
are relaxing on their couches and worrying about the
work-week ahead; in our world, the callouses on our
hands hurt, the fresh air in our lungs chills, and our
momentary escape from the rat-race is empowering.
So what is parkour? Founder of parkour David
Belle says in his autobiography about his creation,
“I had no other choice than to go on top of those
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28
tall apartment buildings. This way, I just erased this
block of concrete blocking my view. …
“This is how I overcame the suffocating feeling
of suburban districts. As if I had mountains for a
landscape and found myself on top of them.”
This culture of freedom and rebellion and pushing
limits that underlies the practice of parkour makes
defining the activity in words a difficult task, like
trying to herd human-cats who just want to explore
and climb around the room.
But to give it a definition, the New Zealand
Parkour Association defines it as “a training method
of overcoming physical obstacles efficiently and
effectively”.
The idea of “efficiently” is paramount, as parkour’s
history originates from firefighting and military
service.
These are paths where being able to move is part of
the job-description and part of the tool-box required
in order help others and stay alive. When Belle
founded parkour in the 80’s and 90’s, he brought
this sense of needing to move and perform in an
emergency into his jaw-dropping practice.
However, alongside this sense of moving in an
emergency, there also exists in parkour a sense of selfexpression through movement and showmanship.
So parkour has brought in movements borrowed
from acrobatics and similar activities.
To set this influence and style apart from the
more practical, only use in-case-of-emergency style,
some have labelled it as “freerunning” – a word that
was originally an English translation of the French
derivative word “parkour”, from the phrase “parcours
du combattant”, the obstacle-course used in military
training.
Despite the convoluted history, bottomline is
that it is characterised by its focus on movement
interacting freely with the environment without
equipment. Parkour establishes a new way of fitness
in that it has no rules, no equipment, and no barriers
(quite literally) – just movement for the joy of it.
Parkour has taken me on trips across New Zealand,
to a tropical island off the coast of Australia, into
TV ads and photoshoots, and to forming a business
which runs fitness classes.
I was 19 when I started parkour; I’m now 26. It
has been great for me. To continue my fitness career,
I’m studying it at Massey. But as I continue to get
into fitness, a problem plagues me...
Why exercise? Why even move?
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This has to be asked, because exercise is hard work.
So why bother? It makes you sweat. My ancestors
worked hard, sweating their asses off doing hard
labour, walking to school in the snow uphill (both
ways!), so that their children could have access to a
better life.
I think that life is here, because most of us have
access to air-conditioning and heating and Xboxes
and wide-screen TVs. Luxury.
So why purposely make things harder in our lives
by exercising? Why not sit back and enjoy what our
ancestors earned us with their hard physical work?
Who’s seen Wall-E? The cute robot thing?
Remember the part where all humans no longer do
any physical activity, beyond lifting food to their
mouths? And because of that, they’re all confined to
hovering chairs, unable to do much at all, unable to
truly live.
How far is that world from reality? Movement has
become optional.
So why move? But for a moment let’s forget about
some of the images often associated with movement
and fitness. Forget about elite athletic performance,
and forget about six-packs or toned thighs or looking
good naked, and all of that – because there exists, in
our biology, a base level of physical activity that is
required for a base level of health.
This base level of fitness, and its knock-on into the
base level of health, is essential to life. Don’t achieve
it and there will be consequences in the form of
illnesses.
This base level of physical activity is outlined in the
Ministry of Health’s Physical Activity Guidelines.
They recommend that all New Zealand adults should
“be active every day in as many ways as possible” and
also do “at least 30 minutes of moderate intensity
physical activity on most if not all days of the week”.
Re-read that again. It’s not that much to ask. That
“30 minutes” can be spread throughout the whole
day. So it can include all the walking, getting up and
down from the couch, carrying shopping to your car,
etc that you do in an entire average day.
Unfortunately, if you take into account people’s
desk jobs, transport choices, TV habits and so on,
many people don’t even reach this minimum base
level. The future of Wall-E is striking a bit too soon.
So we find ourselves in our current world where
9 per cent of all premature deaths worldwide are
attributed to physical inactivity, in a country where
one in three New Zealand adults are overweight or
obese, and thus at a higher risk for the associated
health complications associated, and where the
estimated cost to our economy from physical
inactivity is $1.3 billion per year in health-care costs,
premature deaths and lost productivity.
Much of all of that can be avoided if people only
moved more.
Movement has also been linked to many beneficial
outcomes one wouldn’t expect. As an example,
studies have shown children’s grades in school are
higher when they’re also physically active during
the day. This is because when we move, our bodies
secrete a special neurotropin named “brain-derived
neurotropic factor”, which contributes towards
strengthening neural connections.
In spite of the media stereotype of the dumb-jock,
movement actually makes us smarter. Movement is
also a great de-stressor, and a great activity that can
be used to interact with others and socialise.
Studying isn’t the only thing you should be doing
to pass your papers - getting up from the desk and
unhunching your back from looking at a textbook
for hours is also essential.
Why move? Because it is an essential element of
health, and the more you move, the more health
benefits you will gain.
How can you move more? The good news is you
don’t need to pay for a gym membership, you don’t
need to live in an area where a sports club exists and,
most of all, you don’t need to have the latest sports
clothes, shoes, headphones, and other useless crap
just to step outside and go for a simple jog – all you
have to do is merely move.
Movement can be separated from fitness and
gyms, and it can also be separated from sport.
Just walk, run, use the stairs, stand more often, lift
random things, hug random people, take breaks to
stretch.
The only real equipment you need to exercise, is
your body and, lucky for us, we all own that piece
of equipment. There are even alternative options for
movement out there - such as parkour.
A degree is pretty worthless without health.
After all, “When health is absent, wisdom cannot
reveal itself,” one of the founders of the scientific
method is credited as saying. “Art cannot manifest,
strength cannot fight, wealth becomes useless, and
intelligence cannot be applied.”
If universities invest in your knowledge, then
movement goes towards investing in the underlying
health required to use that knowledge.
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STOLEN GIRLFRIENDS CLUB: ADROGYNOUS NICHE
New Zealand’s boutique fashion label “Stolen Girlfriends Club” has in
a decade created a niche of its own, spiralling the brand into global
stardom. Josh Berry catches up with Marc Moore and Dan Gosling,
two of the directors behind its creative vision.
There is an aura of creative nous as I approach the
address of 31 Crummer Road, Ponsonby. Vibrant
street art adorns the slanted walls of a neglected
construction site, and the bitter tinge of barista
brewed coffee lingers below the grey clouds of a
dully-lit weekday morning.
At the front entrance sits a sleek new Mini
Paceman. With a second-glance, I register the
oriental-orchid and hand-grenade print embellishing
the vehicle’s exterior as the latest designer print
released by the label, a tradition incorporated with
the release of each new seasonal line.
The rustic bi-fold doors adorning the facade of
the building exude an ounce of cheek, much like
the underlying tone of the brand’s rules, which
encompass youthful rebellion spirit, a healthy sense
of humour and the ability to entertain and empower.
I squeeze through the narrow doorway entering a
showroom filled with garments. A large rectangular
mirror occupies the centre of the room, amplifying
the room’s bareness, and my thought’s also, as I
reassure myself I have turned up on the right day. My
nerves are relieved as a staff member appears out of a
doorway to my right.
She guides me through the doorway, leaving
behind the rustic interior brick walls of the sterile
show room and into the vibrantly lit creative hub of
the club headquarters.
The workspace and its adjacent rooms buzz with
life, a stark contrast from the still showroom. Staff
scurry about pressing garments while a sound system
beside a café-sized espresso machine fills the air with
hip-hop flavoured melodies.
Seated at a shared desk behind glaring computer
screens two-thirds of the creative genius behind the
brand sit attentively.
In a red-checked tartan shirt matched with black
pants and heavy boots, Marc Moore greets me. His
face lights up when I agree to try one of his flat
whites, a skill attained from a spell as a professional
barista. I hold him to his word as he ducks behind
the espresso machine, his long black locks and beard
occasionally popping up to produce cheeky banter.
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“You’re gonna have to write about this coffee, Josh
– It’s pretty fucking good,” he says amid flumes of
steam.
In contrary fashion, a weary-eyed Dan Gosling
offers a gentle handshake as we take a seat in a room
brandishing the creative beginnings of next summer’s
line. Donned in black, he sits down steadily. It turns
out he has returned from the USA the night before,
his presence in the office reflective of the tireless
work ethic required with a manic form of drudgery.
The club’s third and final director, Luke Harwood,
has been based in New York City for the last few
years. However, his absence is made up for through
the efforts of a tight-knit team working around the
clock.
Stolen Girlfriends Club, the brainchild of the
three friends, has become somewhat of a household
name since its inception in 2005. With no formal
training, they set out to fill a void in the clothing
market.
Their bustling personalities and presence about
town soon boosted them into the limelight; with
their ability to throw a ripping party and/or fashion
show, they were an instant hit.
Moore and Gosling hold humble regard, however,
for the brand that has transformed their lives from
laidback surfers and athletes to high-end fashion
designers.
“At the time we kind of wanted to start our own
clothing label purely just to make things that we
couldn’t find out in the market,” Moore says.
“Just that typical cliché thing, you know, the
reason that most designers start a label.”
With no real sense of where they were heading,
the trio began producing printed t-shirts, a trend
that was beginning to blow-up internationally.
“That’s why we started and we didn’t have any goal
from the get go – it was just at that point in time
wanting to do something creative and, secondly, to
create something we really wanted to wear and were
really proud of,” Moore says.
“It just so happened to be a bunch of t-shirts,
shitty jeans and a few jewellery pieces which we still
have in the range today.”
Humour is heavily incorporated into the labels
ethos. And it is easy to see why. Moore and Gosling
are skilled in the art of being interviewed, taking
advantage of any chance to contribute a laugh - a
characteristic from their days as innocent, ambitious,
free-spirited kids.
“We’ve always had a bit of humour in the brand,”
Gosling says.
“We don’t take ourselves too seriously – we’re not
pretending that we are the amazing pattern makers
you know, we’re creating stuff that we wanna wear.”
But creating a mid-to high end clothing label from
the ground up doesn’t happen overnight, contrasting
pathways taken by Moore and Gosling a clear
indicator of their disparate youth.
Moore grew up in the sleepy seaside town of
Raglan. Situated on the North Island’s West Coast,
around 40 minutes drive from Hamilton, the area
is renowned for its world-class surfing point breaks:
Manu Bay, Whale Bay and Indicators.
Raised by a solo mum, he never had the luxury
of developing a relationship with his father, the late
Marc Hunter, former singer of rock band Dragon.
Instead, he embraced the small-town vibe and
flourished in the riches of surfing the quality waves
Raglan had on offer.
“It keeps you humble when you grow up in a small
town - I think that’s a really good thing and I like that
about the small towns,” Moore says.
“The minute you think you might be better than
someone you’ll get knocked down pretty quickly –
even in the surfing days, if you were doing really well,
you’d still be super humble about it.”
Moore took to surfing from a young age, with
aspirations to become a pro-surfer. However, one
obstacle stood in his way.
“I hated school. I was a bastard at school, it was
horrible, I just didn’t want to be there,” he says of his
days spent at Raglan Area School.
“I used to wag all the time and go surfing - I always
hung out with the wrong people too, hung out with
the hood-rats, which was not good.”
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Despite this he put in enough work to pass fifth
form, which was enough for him to move onto
something new.
“I had fun though! I just passed School C [School
Certificate] in fifth form, like, got pretty much 50’s
for everything,” he says.
“But in sixth form I fell off, and then just went
to work in surfboard factories and surf as much as
possible.”
From here Moore leapt at opportunities given to
him as new doors opened within the surf scene. His
surfing taking him to new heights as sponsors took
him onboard.
“I always wanted to be a pro-surfer. That was
my dream growing up in Raglan, I wanted to make
money out of surfing,” he says.
The realisation of how small New Zealand’s surfing
scene was became apparent to Moore early on.
“I saw a lot of the older guys who have had heaps
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of success in their careers who were like best in New
Zealand or whatever, and they were just driving shitbox cars and renting houses,” Moore says.
“As I got a bit older I was like ‘hey maybe that’s not
what I want, you know’ – I wanted to be comfortable
when I was older and have a good lifestyle.
“I always knew there was probably something else
out there for me and I wasn’t afraid of a nine-to-five
job ,but I knew it sort of had to be something semicreative.”
With this turning point, Moore began exploring
his creative side through painting. He also took on
sales-marketing and design input with “Town &
Country” before taking on a brand manager role for
“Insight”.
By contrast, Gosling was raised in the suburb of
Devonport in Auckland. Here he was surrounded
by tight-knit family and friends, allowing him the
freedom to develop as an all-rounder in both school
and sport.
“My parents encouraged me and, not only that,
they let me do everything,” he says.
“I would be outside all of the time with the ball
you know, just doing something – no computers in
those days maaate,” he says cheekily.
Gosling thrived in the school-yard environment,
his passion for taking on opportunities leading him,
post-school, into a distribution job.
“I loved school, I loved sports and I had good
grades, plus a good group of friends, so I enjoyed it,”
he says.
“I was friends with a guy called Dave England. He
had a snowboard company and asked if I wanted to
come do [distribution] and I’d just finished school so
was like, ‘yeah why not give this a whirl’.”
“That’s how it started - I had no idea what I was
doing, just kind of jumped into it.”
This allowed him to further his education at
39
Auckland University where he attained a doubledegree in marketing and international business.
He also tackled business opportunities abroad. But
becoming a “suit” wasn’t his idea of a fulfilling career.
“I went to London and lived there and worked
there wearing, like, a three-piece suit and stuff to
work (he erupts with laughter) then came back to
NZ and my parents were, like, you need to get a
proper job,” he says.
“But that was what I didn’t want to do, and I knew
that ,so I stumbled onto something that I wanted to
do.”
Through their joint passion of surfing Moore,
Gosling and Harwood came together embracing
the relaxed atmosphere and pleasures that surfing
offered.
“Surfing’s what brought Luke and I together, we
surfed contests together year after year and travelled
around New Zealand doing the circuit and stuff and
became really good friends,” Moore says.
“We grew up on opposite coasts which was always
quite fun, just taking the piss out of each other - East
is least, West is best!”
Harwood grew up in Whangamata, a small town
on the East Coast of the Coromandel. Here he
developed a friendship with Gosling, whose family
had a bach on the beach. The three met through each
other and summers spent surfing the “Whanga bar”
and Coromandel beaches.
This was the catalyst for things to come.
The Stolen Girlfriends Club name came about
through an art exhibition Moore produced for
his first solo-exhibition. It was the title and theme
for the art-show which included a collection of 12
works all painted under the same theme – Stolen
Girlfriends Club.
“I had this idea of a gang that would steal (rescue)
girls out of shitty relationships, quite romantic…..or
perhaps idealistic,” Moore says.
“People really loved the name of the art-show
so, when we started creating clothes, it seemed the
perfect name for the brand.”
When the three got together to start the clothing
line, the name fitted well with the themes and ideals
they wished to portray.
The rest, as they say, is history.
The success of the “Stolen” trio can largely be
put down to their contrasting personalities. The
characteristics, traits and talents they each possess
complement their individual creative instincts.
Moore’s creative vibes, Gosling’s business nous,
and Harwood’s background in client relationship,
sales and marketing, meant all the boxes were ticked
for the start-up.
And things are looking bright for the future.
They’ve just previewed their Spring 2013 line at
a catwalk show. Titled “Nasty Goreng”, the line
features oriental designs merged with military
themes, as well as the creation of a “Death Moth”
print.
“We always have, like, two opposing themes in our
collection – we hope that both of them in the middle
somewhere will create juxtaposition, something a
little new,” Moore says.
“So for this line we’ve gone oriental and military;
originally it was Asian hooker, but don’t tell anyone,
ha.”
They have also stepped up a worldwide presence
with an androgynous diffusion line released through
Urban Outfitters titled “The Fates”. The name was
taken from the first ever collection released by
the club in 2005. The threat of cannibalising their
mainline is a worry, but the decision to go ahead
evolved primarily out of experimentation.
“We just want to build it up to the point where it’s
running itself,” Gosling says.
“We want to see how big we can get it, aye – I can’t
imagine myself doing anything else, I’ve thought
about,” Moore says.
“Even if I was doing nothing and retired, I reckon
I’d get bored; even if I was going surfing everyday and
it was perfect everyday, I’d need something more.”
Diversification is also something being taken on
board with the guys forming side-projects to keep
busy.
“Yeah, Dan’s doing a bit of weed dealing on the
side ha (jokes),” Moore remarks with a grin.
Gosling has four businesses, which keep him busy
with fashion and surfing distribution, to name a
few. He also has a young family to add to the hectic
lifestyle.
“You gotta keep on moving,” he says.
“You want something done, you ask a busy person
to do it,” Moore asserts.
Moore, along with pal Steve Dunstan, has formed
a DJing duo called “People of Paris”, although it has
been a hobby more than anything else.
“The late nights don’t work well with working all
day,” he says.
“But that’s more of a release though, it’s kind of
fun – we do Rhythm and Vines and that sort of
stuff.”
Harwood has taken advantage of New Zealand’s
reputable coffee culture by setting up a coffee shop in
New York City. Named the “Happy Bones Café”, he
had noticed a trend of over-priced coffee in The Big
Apple, which also lacked quality. He went to great
lengths looking for a decent barista, before headhunting the barista from his favourite Ponsonby
Road cafe.
It seems hard work does pay off in the frantic
world of fashion design. This is more than true in the
circumstances of Stolen Girlfriends Club. However,
it is the creative minds and instinct behind the brand
that have brought it to where it is today.
“We were so naive – and I think that’s probably
what helped us at the start,” Moore says.
“We had no expectations – no expectations and
no limitations, it’s amazing what you can create from
nothing when you’re thinking like that.”
It is this kind of talent and thinking that is
influencing future generations of New Zealanders. In
a world saturated with expectations, pressure to excel
and to conform, the guys at Stolen Girlfriends Club
have paved the way for alternate and contemporary
thinking.
“I think there is a lot of pressure on young people
these days to get out there and get a job,” Moore says.
“But you can actually just go through the motions
and try your hand at a few different things and, if it
doesn’t work out it’s all good – just keep working out
what you don’t want to do and it will be bring you
closer to realise what you do want to do.”
“I don’t sit in the design room pinning garments
on a mannequin and getting on the sewing machine
whipping it up.
“I couldn’t sew to save my life you know!”
MASSIVE FEATURE
40
LOLA
Massey student Kate Davis presents her creative non-fiction piece
inspired by her time working as a brothel manager.
The situation was not of my making, it’s true, but I
am responsible for how I chose to handle it. I just
wanted to let you know that she was there when I
arrived on shift. I did the best I could, and I don’t
know what I could have done differently. Not even
now.
This incident occurred maybe twenty years ago,
but I still wish there had been another option, and
that there would be a better option now. If that was
the best I could do, was it, and is it still, really good
enough? What would you do in the same situation?
The industry was a little more condensed back
then: there were the parlours as we called brothels,
a few escort services, and some private workers. I
was the night shift manager, in what was considered
one of the more up-market parlours. There were
around half a dozen parlours that fitted into that
category, and it was common for the working girls to
have worked at several of them. They were scattered
around the periphery of the city, all operating in a
similar way. They charged about the same, they
had receptionists on the door, security lights and
emergency buzzers in the rooms, rostered shifts, and
regular hours. If they sent out escorts they employed
a driver. There was certain professionalism and a set
of standards around the way they operated.
Then there was Fort St. Downtown, down market,
and we looked down on the girls. That was when
Fort Street had around a dozen parlours and half a
dozen strip clubs, a cinema, peep shows and bars. It
was a proper little red light district.
The Fort Street parlours were perceived as
less professional all around. Occasionally a Fort
Street working girl would trade up, but not often.
Occasionally you would hear of one of our girls
“ending up” down on Fort Street. But that usually
only happened if they had been fired from all the
‘good’ brothels, or had a problem.
The Fort Street parlours were rumoured to charge
less, you could come and go as you pleased. There
was no receptionist and either the girls themselves,
Massivemagazine.org.nz
or even worse, a male manager/bouncer would do
the desk and answer the phone.
It was rumoured they sent escorts out in taxis!
Even to private homes. Working Fort Street was
viewed as a step down. A big step down.
The parlour I worked in didn’t really have any
contact with Fort St; we were further uptown and
a world away. But when it came to the managers and
the owners, we all either knew each other, or knew
of each other. The only time we all came together
was if there was a police raid, vice was checking the
police book, or immigration was doing the rounds.
Then phone calls would be made, giving the others
the heads up.
Then there was Karangahape Road. A couple of
really dodgy parlours, a strip club, and the street
workers. Parlours where you could rent rooms for
an hour and they didn’t even have showers. I didn’t
know anyone who worked on the street; I would
never have mentioned it, if she hadn’t.
There was also a great divide between the sex
workers and the strippers, and there still is. A strange
almost political polarity, where the dancers looked
down on the sex workers and the sex workers looked
down on the dancers.
I had often heard sex workers talk about the
strippers, and how they could never do that. They
considered it degrading, being on stage, being
ogled by anyone who walked in, for a measly shift
allowance and tips. At least in the parlour there was
a camera on the stairs and they could view the clients
on a monitor and hide if necessary. It was one-onone, and the sex workers on the whole considered
stripping, exploitation.
It was before the industry was decriminalised,
but I don’t know if that would have had made any
difference to this situation, or prevented it from
arising again. People say that the bosses are far more
professional now, but still, if faced with her, would
they really react differently? Could they? Have
things really changed?
It was a Saturday night, which is the second busiest
night of the week. 6.30pm was change-over, the day
girls were leaving, the night shift was arriving, and
everyone was busy changing from work clothes to
casual clothes, or casual clothes to work clothes.
Hair was being done, makeup being applied,
or removed, all cramped around a tiny mirror. All
chatting about the day that had been, or the events
of the night prior. Dresses and shoes were being tried
on, swapped and borrowed, and the atmosphere was
similar to that of a group of woman anywhere getting
ready for a big night out.
The day receptionist had already cashed up her till
and was waiting to handover the shift, quickly filling
me in with the day’s gossip.
“It’s been flat out all day, the phone didn’t stop
so tonight should be good, and you have 15 girls
rostered on”.
As she spoke, she put on her coat, picked up her
handbag, and headed for the security door that
separated the parlour from the reception area. Just as
she went through the door she turned and said, “Oh,
and there’s a new girl. She’s worked the day shift but
is keen to do a double. The boss hired her. I haven’t
done her paper work; he said you could sort it. No
ID but I told her she would have to bring it before
her next shift.”
I sighed, and asked, “Has she worked before?” The
day receptionist nodded yes.
I exhaled, somewhat relieved. New girls that had
worked before were a far easier proposition than
those who were totally new to the game.
“What’s her name?” I asked. But the day
receptionist was already out the front door.
I looked at the roster seeing how the staff line-up
was looking for the night ahead. Receptionists, or
managers, as we were called, were paid an hourly
rate, but what made the job worthwhile was the cash
incentive.
Managing a parlour involves a multitude of talents,
not in the least the ability to herd cats but, at the end
41
She was beautiful. Just so beautiful. With her thick,
long golden blonde hair, tiny heart shaped face, and
widely spaced blue eyes... SHE, WAS LOLA.
Massive ENTERTAINMENT FEATURE
42
There was the code, that unspoken
code amongst those that live just a
little beyond the law. Never nark.
of the day, you were really working in sales. Telesales
on the several different phone lines, helping write
print advertisements and hard copy for the girls, and
talking the clients through the door when they came
upstairs.
There was even the option to up-sell: book an
extra girl, have two, or another hour, take her back
to your hotel, keep her for the night. There were set
sales targets and, once achieved, bonuses were paid.
To achieve the sales, you really need the stock:
who was rostered on, directly affected how efficiently
you could sell. I studied the roster intently, idly
wandering what the new girl looked like as I noticed
I had only two blondes.
Charlotte popped her head around the door
looking into the office and asked if I had a minute.
Charlotte had worked at the parlour for years, and
was a popular and professional worker. I always had
time for Charlotte. Some of the girls thought she was
stuck-up, but in reality she was just a private person,
and normally, kept herself to herself.
I beckoned her into the little back office, off the
reception area. She seemed a little hesitant when she
asked if I had met the new girl yet.
“No, why?”
Looking at Charlottes face, framed with concern,
I knew there was a problem.
“She’s young,” she said.
“Oh shit. How young?” I asked.
“Way too young” she replied.
Fuck, fuck, fuck. The boss had brought her in
this morning. She had already done four clients. I
asked Charlotte what she knew. Charlotte said she
was beautiful. She wasn’t out of it and seemed happy.
In fact when Charlotte looked at me and talked
about her, you could see that there was no malice or
jealousy, but some affection. Charlotte had come in
early to see a regular, and then got to chatting with
her in the kitchen.
“She said eighteen but she’s lying,” Charlotte told
me. “By a lot.”
The law was clear then, as it is now. Eighteen, with
ID. One thing sure to bring the police down on you
was hiring underage girls. But it wasn’t just the law
that kept the underage workers away from the clubs.
It was the working girls themselves. This wasn’t a job
for children. This might not suit the tastes of the
clients, but let’s face it; women have been known to
lie about their age.
Massivemagazine.org.nz
Charlotte was sitting in the office behind the
reception desk, filling me in, when we heard
movement coming up the hall. Murmurs, laughing,
and a client walked out through the door and past
the reception desk on his way out. He glanced up
at me and said goodnight with a cheery wave as he
departed.
She had her back to me and was skipping down
the hall. I called her name, but she didn’t respond, so
I repeated it, louder. She stopped, turned and walked
back towards me.
She was beautiful. Just so beautiful. With her
thick, long golden blonde hair, tiny heart shaped
face, and widely spaced blue eyes. A smattering of
faint freckles across a tiny nose and flawless creamy
skin. She was small and slender, and she walked
in the way young girls do. That easy carefree gait,
unaffected and without style. The way they walk
before they reach the age when they walk as though
as everyone is staring at them, because everyone is.
I will just say it then. She walked like a child. She
had the body of a child.
She, was Lola.
Charlotte brought in a glass of juice and a slice
of pizza for her, and asked me if she should look
after the phone. I nodded gratefully, and turned my
attention to Lola. It was surprisingly easy to get her
chatting.
Charlotte had gone some way to convincing her
that she should trust me, and it was probably best
just to tell me the truth. She looked a little nervous
initially then she gradually became more confident.
No, not confident, more comfortable and chatty.
Last night, she had been working on one of the
back streets off Karangahape Road. The boss had
pulled up and asked her what she was doing. He then
said, if she wanted to work inside, to come and see
him this morning, and he had handed her a card.
He said she was far too pretty for the street.
She smiled and blushed when she told me this. As
if she couldn’t believe the compliment. I smiled
encouragingly, but internally, I was seething. Angry
he had brought her here, even angrier he had left her
on the street last night.
What did I expect him to do, he would ask me
later?
It wasn’t her first night on the street. She had done
it a couple of times before when she had run away.
She needed the money. She had nowhere to stay.
Then she asked if she could sleep in one of the rooms
here when we closed. I avoided answering, smiling
back at her, trying to show no shock.
I was shocked. The street. This beautiful girl,
working on the street. I glanced at Charlotte, who
looked back at me, shaking her head, sadly.
I asked her how old she was, and she replied
“eighteen”. I laughed softly, and shook my head.
“How old are you Lola?” and then I remained
silent until the pause became too long and she had to
respond. She spoke so quietly I had to lean forward
to catch what she had said.
“Thirteen”, she whispered, “are you going to call
the police?”
Calling the police hadn’t entered my mind.
When working in an illicit industry, the instinct
is never to call in the authorities that want to bust
you. Especially not about an underage worker who
has just worked a shift in your brothel. An underage
worker who has just fucked four clients.
There were other reasons for not calling the police
as well. At that time every licensed massage parlour
had to have a register or what we called a police
book. There we recorded the details of every woman
working at the establishment. The book had columns
for the working name, real name, what form of ID
they had provided and the details of the ID, and the
signature of the woman.
It was in the way of a declaration stating that they
were of age and had no convictions. It was illegal
to employ anyone in a parlour who had a criminal
conviction for either drugs or soliciting.
Self preservation was also a consideration. If
I called the cops, and on the off chance the police
ignored the fact we had employed an underage girl
with no ID, my boss wouldn’t.
If I called the police I would get the sack. If I
called the police, at least half the women on the
shift would run out the back door because they had
minor convictions or used false ID. Even if you had
no convictions, a lot of the woman used false ID,
just so their real name wasn’t on some police record
somewhere.
Then there was the code, that unspoken code
amongst those that live just a little beyond the law.
Never nark.
Finally, the reason not to call the police was simply
this. Her story. I had no way of knowing if what
she told me was true, but even if it wasn’t, she was
43
running from something. The police were obligated
to call Child Youth and Family (CYFS), and CYFS
were obligated to call her family. I assured her I
wouldn’t call anyone, and gradually pieced together
her story.
Home was intolerable, her mother and she
were constantly fighting, and Lola had accused
the stepfather of sexual abuse. She had not been
believed, due to her history of unreliable behaviour,
and false claims of previous transgressions. There had
been counsellors and health professionals. There was
a CYFS case worker and a diagnosis of borderline
personality disorder. She kept leaving. They kept
returning her to her home, which was in a leafy
suburb where she attended a school zoned posh.
Her parents were professionals.
As she told her story, she started to cry. By the time
she finished, she was unable to continue speaking.
Charlotte was holding her while she convulsed with
loud hiccupping sobs. Tears and snot streaming
down her face, she cried loudly, unable to exercise
any restraint until, stopping to gulp in air, she cried
herself out of breath. She is probably even younger, I
remember thinking, she is probably only twelve. She
cried and she cried. She bawled like a child.
A cup of tea was fetched, word had spread,
and some of the other women had gently offered
assistance, in tissues, hugs, and offering me support
in the form of concerned glances. As Lola pulled
herself together, bouncing back to the happy girl of
half an hour ago, the door bell went. I told Lola to
stay where she was in the office behind the reception
area.
The client standing at reception was a regular;
he offered payment for an hour. He asked if there
were any new girls working and I realised his gaze
had travelled over my shoulder to the office beyond.
He was staring transfixed, his mouth slack. I looked
behind me.
Lola, had wheeled her chair forward, and
positioned herself in the doorway. Her posture was
slumped, and untidy. One hand was raised to her
mouth, as though biting her nails, her head was
slightly tilted forward and she was looking up at him
from beneath her lowered lashes, with a look both
knowing and wanton. Her legs had fallen open.
With her other hand she was touching herself.
I dispatched the client to the care of the women in
the lounge and Lola to the kitchen, and then acted
decisively. I had no choice. I had to get her out of
here. I called Bert, who owned a strip club on Fort St.
It wasn’t one of the big, better strip clubs where the
dances were choreographed and the girls were lithe
athletes with the club supplying costumes, tailor
made for pole dancing. Like the massage parlours
they ran tighter rules and wouldn’t risk an underage
runaway.
No, this was the type of the club where girls gyrated
to taped music, and dancing skill was secondary
to full exposure. This was strip, without the tease.
He also ran a peep show. He had a reputation for
being fiercely protective of his girls, to the point of
controlling.
His girls didn’t have sex for money, he liked to
point out. They weren’t whores, nor would he ever
call them strippers. His girls were dancers. True he
had been known to sleep with some of them, and so
had some of his selected friends; he had also been
known to marry them.
I filled him in with only the essential detail.
A pretty young girl, who couldn’t stay here, who
needed I.D, and a safe place to stay. He was eager to
help.
I asked Charlotte to drive her down and I told
Lola to gather her things. She wanted to stay here,
she told me. She wanted to talk to the boss; she
became loud and started to shout. I remained calm
and told her she couldn’t. She started to plead, she
would work hard, the clients liked her, no-one had
complained, had they? Where was I sending her she
wanted to know? Where could she go?
I remained silent and resolute, until finally she
lapsed into a sulking silence. I looked at her for the
last time, marvelling again at how beautiful she was.
Though perhaps not quite as beautiful as she had
been an hour ago, when I first saw her. I smiled at her
and asked, “Lola, do you like to dance?”
She smiled back, nodding enthusiastically. Of
course she did.
Didn’t all girls her age?
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Kate Davis, a Massey University student
studying English and politics has had a life many
couldn’t even begin to dream of. Coming from
a middle class family, she became a prostitute not for the reasons many women end up in that
work, but because she wanted excitement. She
stayed in the sex industry for many years, going
on to marry an ex-Hells Angel. Motivated by
her life, she began writing her experiences into
a series of short stories. All stories written by
her draw on real life events. Lola, the story
featured in this issue of MASSIVE, is about a
13-year-old girl who becomes a prostitute. As
Davis talks about Lola, she is saddened by the
memory “It just sticks with me because I always
think to myself, could I have done more, but
then I think, that is the point to this story –
could we all do better?” The sad thing about
this story is there are hundreds of “Lola’s” out
there that most of us are unaware of. Her stories
give the reader something to think about, and
leave the reader wanting to find out more. Her
colloquial style of writing makes it easy for the
reader to engage. Davis hopes to one day turn
her stories into a book.
Tasmin Wheeler
Massive ENTERTAINMENT FEATURE
44
BAILEY ON BRAINWAVE AND BROADCASTING
ONE News’ former television presenter Judy Bailey, famously and affectionately known
as “Mother of the Nation”, is a graduate of the old Graduate Diploma of Journalism, the
predecessor of Massey’s Post-Graduate Diploma of Journalism (before Massey bought out
Wellington Polytechnic). Claydan Krivan-Mutu chats to her about what she’s been
up to since leaving television, advice for young journalists, and Brainwave Trust,
an organisation making huge contributions to New Zealand families.
Hi there Judy, what you have been up to since
leaving the news in 2005?
Well I’ve been doing all sort of things really; I do
a bit of travelling, writing, a bit of promotional stuff,
a bit of broadcasting, and I’m very involved in the
Brainwave Trust.
What is Brainwave?
Brainwave is an organisation that brings the latest
research in neuroscience to people who work with
children and young families. We present this latest
research in words of one syllable so people like you
and I can understand it. We teach all sorts of people,
including social workers, the police, midwives and
early childhood teachers, and we have a programme
in schools that educate the parents of the future. We
also work in prisons.
The intention of Brainwave, how I perceive it,
is you are helping children who are suffering from
violence? It’s broader than that. We offer scientific
information to how the brain grows. So what we
now know, without a shadow of a doubt, is that our
experiences of nurture are more important than we
could have ever perceived possible. They actually
build the brain so they can change the physiology of
the brain. The brain is very plastic when you are born,
and provides an amazing opportunity in order to get
things right.
The brain is designed to adapt to the environment
it encounters. So you get the brain you need for the
environment that you grow up in. If you grow up in a
chaotic, hurtful, hateful and aggressive environment,
then your brain is likely to become wired for the fight
or flight response. You may become hyper vigilant.
There is a continuum where some people dissociate
with everything around them and retreat into their
Massivemagazine.org.nz
own worlds, and girls tend to do that, whereas
boys tend to become more aggressive, disruptive,
hyper-alert, and difficult to handle. They are often
misdiagnosed with ADHD. There is a broad range
of people in the middle that exhibit signs from both
sides of the spectrum. Very young children generally
dissociate from what’s going on around them. In comparison to other counties, does New
Zealand have a problem with nurturing their
children?
We most certainly do. We are languishing down
there at the bottom of the OECD table for child
safety. We have a real problem with violence, and
a real problem with neglect. We also have a real
problem with middle class neglect. Where kids have
a lot of money, and every material thing they might
require, but they don’t get the love and attention they
need to grow into healthy and contributing adults. Is Brainwave helping to change this?
Yes. This is basically why I am involved in it. I
felt like, when I was reading the news, that I was
delivering a chronicle of disaster day in and day out,
and I wondered what caused the perpetrators of this
violence to act in the way they did.
When you look into the backgrounds of these
people, they have grown up in hurtful hateful
environments themselves. Their brains have been
wired to suit their environments very well. They are
constantly on alert, they see aggression and danger
in things that you and I would ignore, and it causes
them to react in unexplained ways.
This is very important information to get out
to people, so that people really understand how
important those early years are. The time frame is
so short for getting things right, from conception to
around about three, but the first year of life is critical.
This is when the pathways are laid down to allow a
child to trust the world; to understand consequence,
to feel remorse, to feel empathy, and to understand
peopland form stable social relationships.
These things all happen in the first years of life, and
it is triggered by nurture and loving relationships.
The very first relationship a baby forms with his
primary caregiver, usually his mother, that we have,
is pc talk … [it’s] a kind of template for all future
relationships down the track. So we want to get it
right. It is really important to support families. There
are some families out there that are really struggling. Does Brainwave go to those services and advise
them of this research to help this problem? Yes, absolutely. We are not service providers at all,
we have the science that should inform the practice
of people who are already working at the rock face.
For instance, we do a lot of presentations with CYFs
and early childhood centres. We see our role as
delivering this vital information of neuroscience.
We’re the first generation to have this information
at our fingertips. We’ve always known it was
important to care for children, but now we know
that how you’re nurtured actually changes the shape
of your brain. What is your role at Brainwave? I’m a presenter for them, and a trustee. I work a
bit behind the scenes as well. We are developing a
major programme for schools that we have funding
for from the private sector to deliver into secondary
schools in the Wanganui-Manawatu area. We piloted
it in Auckland.
It’s three one-hour sections and it is amazing,
the results we are having from these kids - their
understanding of how the brain grows and what
45
helps it, and what hinders it. One of the key messages
that we bring to people is that seeing violence is just
as bad as being part of it. It’s a powerful message.
Do you feel that your television career aided in
the success of Brainwave?
I suppose in the way that it has given me a profile.
It means that people might possibly just listen. Once
they begin to hear this stuff, it’s just so powerful. I’ve
been working for Brainwave a long time before I left
telly – ‘98 we started.
It’s been a long road, but people are really
beginning to get it now. People over a broad spectrum
of disciplines are saying the same thing - geneticists,
psychiatrists, psychologists, neuroscientists - they
are all saying the same thing: that our relationships
are more important than we ever believe possible in
the building of the brain. We also deliver in prisons,
when you see this kind of dawning coming across the
faces of people who have been long term prisoners
who have come from generations of long term abuse
and violence. When you see them understand why
they feel angry, sad and disenfranchised, it’s a real
motivation for change, for them to want something
better for their children. It’s free and it’s not rocket
science.
More into your journalism career now. Do you
miss presenting the news?
Being out front? Not a bit!
Why’s that?
You know, I never really wanted to be out front. Yes, you attended the wrong class didn’t you?
I did! I always knew I wanted to write. When I
went to journalism school there was this amazing
magazine out called Thursday edited by Marcia
Russell. She was a brilliant journalist. It was a
thinking woman’s magazine, and I wanted to write
about issues. I wanted to change the world [laughs].
But I did, I ended up in the wrong journalism
prefab and instead of magazine journalism I ended
up in news. But I just thought the people in there
were really interesting, opinionated, stroppy people.
I thought it would be quite a fun year. So that’s how
I ended up in news. My first love is reporting, writing
and researching stories, and I only really started
presenting when I had children to have a part time
job, instead of being available 24/7. So that’s how I
came to be a presenter really. It wasn’t as easy as it used to be in getting into the
industry - how do you get into the industry now?
I think you have to want it very badly. You have
to be prepared and go in there, make a nuisance of
yourself, and be prepared to earn diddly-squat… just
be passionate – which is such an overworked word to have a calling for it. It is a wonderful, wonderful
job, journalism, but it’s hard - it is very hard when
you’re up front. A lot of people ask me how to be
a presenter. Actually presenting is not all beer and
skittles – you’re very exposed. Once you have lost
your privacy that is the end of it. Anonymity is a very
precious thing and, once it’s gone, it’s gone. I would
say, approach it with caution.
Do you miss the industry?
I am doing a little writing still, which is great, and
I love it to bits. I do a bit of broadcasting, Anzac Day,
and so on. Do I miss the news though? No. Not one
bit.
You wouldn’t consider getting back into the
industry? No I don’t think so. I miss the team thing. When
you freelance you are very alone. I did the travel
series in Australia that I just adored, that was fun
being with a team again, you know, you’re part of
the crew, a tight unit. But no, I definitely don’t miss
the whole news thing one bit. It’s changed so much.
You’re very exposed when you’re out front, with
blogs, Facebook and Twitter, and God knows what anybody can say stuff about you. It can be very harsh.
The industry has changed a lot - you don’t think
it’s a positive change?
Some things are better - we are now able to cover
stories immediately. [But] I think a lot of the depth is
missing. I do feel that I am a bit old fashioned. I love
my current affairs. I like a bit of meat. So hegemonic ideologies are being enforced? Hegemonic ideology? Explain what you mean!
[Laughs] Those in power enforcing their ideas into society.
Do you think this is what is happening nowadays?
Goodness, this is a very weighty question. I
suppose there always has to be one person who
decides what goes in the bulletin. I don’t know! I’m
a bit of an idealist, I kind of hope that news - it’s a bit
of vain hope isn’t it - that news stands outside that a
bit, that it has a bit of integrity. The celebrification of journalists now - you’re
a good example - many people may see you as a
celebrity. Is that a good thing?
It depends on how you look at it. It depends on
what you do with it. You can use it very powerfully,
or you can fritter it. The thing about celebrity is that
it is a perceived thing, not a real thing, and television
has been responsible for it. You are in people’s living
rooms night after night after night, and they think
they know you. The television companies actually
work that, and insist in you doing more and more
women’s magazines so the audience know you better.
Before you know it you are a celebrity; it’s just the
way things are, I guess. What news story has stuck with you forever, and
why?
That’s very tricky. Looking back over the whole
time in news, when the world was changing, I think
the symbol of that was the Berlin Wall. That was the
end of the Cold War and the beginning of the new
world order. It was very exciting to be there for that talking to our correspondent live as he was sitting on
the wall as Berliners were chipping away at it. That
was pretty spine tingling. I remember Bastion Point
as a water shed in race relations for us here.
What’s the biggest thing you have learnt from
being a journalist?
There are always two sides to a story, and often
things are not what they seem. It’s always good to
seek more deeply and to question. Who’s your favourite person?
What comes to mind right now is Nelson
Mandela, because of his courage.
Do you enjoy politics in New Zealand?
Oh yes! [Laughs] Politicians….not so much!
Best place in the world?
Flaxmill Bay (New Zealand).
Favourite journalist?
Oh gosh, this is very tricky! I really enjoyed reading
Richard Long’s political work on the Dominion
Post. I enjoy Fran O’Sullivan’s business journalism.
I really enjoyed Paul Holmes as well. I found him to
be incredibly human in his approach and he was a
brilliant writer! He had the common touch.
What is some advice for future journalists out
there?
Remember it’s about the story. Be yourself and
remember the story. Last night I watched your final news broadcast.
Not going to lie, Judy, I shed a tear.
​[Laughs] Oh did you? What a fabulous bloke you
are! I wish it would go away! [Laughs] BRAINWAVE TRUST
Brainwave’ Trust Aotearoa’s vision is that all
children in Aotearoa New Zealand are valued
and nurtured so they can reach their full
potential. They aim to raise awareness about
new findings in brain research and to educate
everyone who has an impact on the early life of
children about the important implications this
has on children’s physical, social, intellectual
and emotional development. To learn more visit www.brainwave.org.nz or
join them on Facebook. If you would like to
fundraise for them, start your own fundraising
campaign today on www.everydayhero.co.nz.
Massive ENTERTAINMENT FEATURE
46
LIVING WITH CANCER
A TRUE STORY BY JESSICA FRANK
At the beginning of December 2010, I was diagnosed
with Classical Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.
I had just finished year eleven at High school and
I was sixteen. In quick succession of my diagnosis,
I was set on a treatment path that put me through
six rounds of ABVD - Adriamycin, Bleomycin,
Vinblastine and Dacarbazine - chemotherapy that
followed by ten doses of radiotherapy.
Despite the fact I had a great chance of being cured,
and my treatment was on the lesser side of horrible,
I reacted to it in a way that still affects me today. I
experienced the accounted-for nausea and tiredness,
the hair and weight loss, crippling nerve pain and
shortness of breath, as well as the not-so-accountedfor depression and anxiety that has followed me into
remission.
Apart from briefly providing a bit of context, I
don’t really fancy getting into the nitty gritty details
of my recovery, but I do want to share a couple of
things that I have taken from the experience.
Throughout my treatment, I remember having a
distinct feeling of anger and disappointment.
These emotions were not stirred by the illness
itself, but by the absence of some great realisation that
seemed to accompany others’ stories of tribulation
and survival. I remember feeling utterly ripped off
because I had waited for a marvellous epiphany to
waltz on through my door and plant itself on my lap.
At the time, I believed such an occurrence would
immediately transform my outlook on the world and
give way to some sort of bullshit “rebirthing”. This.
Never. Happened.
For the most part I felt that becoming a newer,
better person was the responsibility of someone who
battled something like cancer. This of course, made
me feel pretty damn bad about spending so much
time in bed watching movies.
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It wasn’t until after I was forced back into the real
world that I knew I was naïve for expecting some sort
of reward for staying alive, because pulling through
should be great enough.
Alongside this, I wish I had cut myself some slack
when it came down to how I was feeling. When we’re
feeling down we’re often told we need to find a way
to pick ourselves up or to simply see the good in life.
During my treatment, in an effort to keep up a
strong front, I tried to ignore the situation in front
of me and often clung to false hopes. During the
chemotherapy and radiotherapy, trying to force
positivity on myself pt unneeded pressure on me. It
was positively exhausting!
If I had a time machine - preferably a TARDIS
with a handsome Timelord piloting it - I would want
to know that no one would think it strange if I had
a bit of a breakdown every now and then, and that
the tough-guy image was only going to backfire on
me later on.
Although I am still learning this lesson today, I
am forever glad that I know that it is perfectly okay
to feel things when they are there, and that trying to
be overly positive can sometimes hinder rather than
help.
When I was initially diagnosed I was terrible at
managing my expectations.
All I could think about was getting through my
treatment as breezily as possible and I believed that,
despite the horror stories, I was going to be able to
carry on as normal.
This belief was fuelled by the equally-high
expectations of my doctors who thought that thanks
to my good prognosis, I was going to be relatively
unaffected by my treatment. Therefore, from the getgo, images of me hunched over a designated vomit
bowl and clumps of hair falling to the ground were
far from my mind.
47
To live is the rarest thing in
the world. Most people exist, that is all.
– Oscar Wilde –
I quickly learned that high expectation often lead
to great disappointment in the world of vicious
illnesses.
Throughout my treatment, I dealt with the
severities of all the known side effects, plus some that
my doctors had not even seen in other patients on
the same regime. After two rounds of chemotherapy
the veins in my hands had burned out and, after I was
fitted with a pic line in my arm, I wound up spending
nights in hospital with a nasty infection.
During this time, I was unable to attend school
because of a measles outbreak in Auckland and my
immune system was not functioning well enough to
cope. Life definitely did not carry on as normal.
From this I learned that, in any situation where the
outcome isn’t certain, having far-flung and grandiose
hopes, is sometimes more damaging than not, and
that the skill of being able to manage expectations,
is very underrated.
Something else I am only just starting to grasp is
that shit happens.
Besides my cancer, I have been dealt my fair
share of crappy hands over the past couple of years
and, for much of this time, I have stressed over the
littlest of shortcomings. Realising my cancer was,
and probably always will be the biggest hurdle, and
overcoming it, is the biggest achievement I will ever
know.
When something like cancer knocks you down,
and despite the odds you begin to build yourself back
up again, you realise all the nagging things are not
worth the attention they receive.
My illness has slowly taught me it is alright for
things to go wrong and that failure isn’t always the
bad guy. Getting one bad mark in a paper isn’t going
to be something you remember in your ripe old age
and, just because a plan doesn’t work out, doesn’t
have to mean that all is lost.
Because of my cancer I have fallen down many
times, but I have also gotten up many more.
I have learned that it is perfectly okay to be who
you want to be. As a result of my unstable condition
I spent a lot of time by myself watching TV shows I
love and reading stories that inspired me. My cancer
has had a way of clearing out the insignificant things
in life and showing me what I needed.
Because of this, I spend my days beside the people
who care about me, I study what I love, and I do
what makes me happy. I don’t get embarrassed by
how excited I am when a new episode of Doctor Who
or Game of Thrones is playing. I don’t feel bothered
by spending a day playing video games, and I don’t
feel pressured to account for who I am for the sake
of others.
I wish it hadn’t taken such an experience for me to
grow into who I am, and this shouldn’t be the case
for anyone. If you are to take anything from this, I
would hope it is that giving too many fucks about
what people think is an utter waste of time.
Lastly, there is nothing quite like a dose of
mortality to get someone on the move.
Once I completed my treatment, I went back
to school and finished up my year 12 year in five
short months and gained early entry into Massey
University. I work as a technical writer, a MASSIVE
contributor, and have just started co-running a DIY
blog as well as aspiring to write novels one day.
Long-term I am at risk of secondary cancer and
heart disease and, because of this, I can’t help but feel
life is short, no matter how cliché that sounds. I do
not think that, without going through what I did, I
would be where I am today. And I believe it was the
cancer that made me get off my ass and go for what
I wanted.
As a result of my encounter with Hodgkin’s, I
am now faced with the trying task of finding a way
to a way to end this article without it sounding as
awkward as it feels to write. But in all seriousness,
if there is one, summed-up point I could make
about my experience and the way it has shaped me
as a person, I probably wouldn’t be the person to
articulate it.
If anything, I would say, “Don’t be a dick” and,
“Worry about what makes you happy”.
Yet, as this advice seems terribly watered-down, I
have typed “inspirational quotes about life” into the
ol’ google search bar and found some goodies for you
to live your life by:
“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve
learned about life: it goes on.” – Robert Frost
“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most
people exist, that is all.” – Oscar Wilde
“Life is what happens to you while you’re busy
making other plans.” – Allen Saunders
“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I
think I have ended up where I needed to be.” – Douglas Adams
“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There
is no one alive who is Youer than You.” – Dr. Seuss
Massive ENTERTAINMENT FEATURE
48
THE SKY’S THE LIMIT
WHERE COULD AN OFFICER CAREER LEAD YOU?
I catch up with Squadron Leader Tim Costley at
Ohakea Air Force Base, where he is putting some
young flying cadets through their paces. He greets
me with a casual, “Just call me Tim, mate”. Only in
his early 30’s, I’m struck by how young he is to be in
charge of pilot training, so I ask him about it. “We’ve
got 25 year olds flying around the world on a 757.
That’s the way the military works, that’s the training
they give you,” says Tim.
I’m here at Ohakea to find out why someone
would decide to become an Officer in the New
Zealand Defence Force (NZDF). And seeing as all
Pilots are also Officers, Tim was a natural person to
talk to.
“I always wanted to be in the Air Force I think.
That’s what I’d seen at the air shows and I remember
dad talking about grandpa being in the Air Force
during World War Two. I wanted to be an Air Force
Pilot as long as I can remember, “ explains Tim.
With such a firm vision of what he wanted out of
life, it wasn’t long before Tim made his way into the
Air Force. “I studied Maths and Science but I applied
to the Air Force during the last year of my degree and
was accepted from there,” answers Tim.
What’s it like being in the Air Force? Like a lot of
people, the only experience I have of any military life
is through TV shows and movies like Top Gun. So
I’m really surprised by my time at Ohakea. Everyone
on base just seems to get on with it, dispensing with
some of the excessive formalities I was expecting.
Or as Tim put it, “It was a bit more civilised than I
thought it was going to be. You didn’t get shouted at
from day one.”
After 6 months training, Tim was ready to fly solo
for the first time. What’s that like? “It was cool, I
remember taking off for the first time and thinking,
sweeeet, but now I have to land this. It’s a cool feeling
getting the keys for the day,” answers Tim.
After training, Tim was posted to 3 Squadron
at Ohakea where he flew Huey’s, the backbone of
our Air Force. “I was involved in a couple of search
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and rescues. One time we found the guy alive after a
few days. It’s pretty cool to be helping someone you
found, right?”
The one thing about being an Officer, is that you
have a lot of responsibility placed on your shoulders
at a young age. “I was involved with the response
to Pike River mine disaster, the Christchurch
earthquake. I was also sent to run the air operation
when the Rena ran aground.”
At one stage Tim was responsible for coordinating
all helicopter missions in NZ. “I was responsible for
coordinating support to military, search and rescue,
fire, police… they all need helicopter support and my
job was to coordinate which helicopters went where,
when and did what.”
Needless to say, travel is a big part of the job. “I
got to travel to America, UK, Papua New Guinea,
Australia, East Timor, Solomon Islands and
Afghanistan. It’s been really cool to be a part of that,”
Says Tim. He goes on to explain, “In Afghanistan
I was working in support of NZ ground forces,
embedded in a large American HQ. My role was
coordinating air assets and ground forces.
But it’s not all hard work either. Tim is a keen
musician and has written a song about being a Pilot.
He’s also part of the Musicians Club at Ohakea
which holds regular concerts and a Battle of the
Bands competition.
On top of that, Tim is a dedicated family guy. He’s
happily married with a third child on the way. So
what does the future hold for Squadron Leader Tim
Costley? Well, clearly he has his hands full, but as an
Officer, the one thing we know is that he will be able
to handle it.
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MASSIVE FEATURE
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51
SHAPESHIFTER: DISCUSSING DELTA
In light of their upcoming New Zealand tour, Emma Jane Simpson has a chat to Shapeshifter’s
Nick Robinson about the tour, their “five way marriage”, and plans for the future.
Congratulations on the success of your fifth
studio album, Delta. In this album, there is a real
electronic 80’s feel with the saxophone, as well as
the powerful drum and bass you’re renowned for.
What exactly was your inspiration in creating this
album?
We’ve always had times where you go to make an
album and you know what you want it to be like,
but at the same time there’s that same little beat.
It’s always been influenced from the time we spent
in Berlin. We spent about six months of studio time
there. At the same time, it’s also influenced from a
lifetime of listening to music as 80’s kids.
Do you derive inspiration from artists you listen
to yourself ?
We’ve tried to be ourselves, but sometimes – not
so much in music idea but in concerts – we would say
“hey, yeah that was cool, let’s try that.” We’ve really
tried to interpret things we love into music of our
own. Playing live, we’d definitely copy other music
and people we love, just to have fun.
In a music industry that is so rapidly changing,
do you find it difficult to stay true to your original
style?
I guess so, but we try not to take pressure from
what we think the masses all want though, because
it would just drive you nuts. And then we wouldn’t
enjoy it. We did have all this inspiration, and we did
want people to like our music, but once you get into
the studio, you have to say to yourself “that’s it; we
don’t care what anyone thinks.” We just have to write
this album as it’s going to be, even if it’s going to be
a failure – at least we know that it is the way it was
going to always be. We do go into it with a not-reallycaring-what-people-think attitude – it’s the only way
to be, because otherwise it’s not real.
You are kicking off the new album with a national
tour. What are your plans after that?
We are heading over to Australia where we’ll do
a small tour just around the main areas there. After
that, there’s a smaller DJ style tour which is in
Australia as well. It’ll probably be gearing towards
summer time when we’ll start rehearsing again and
getting stuff together for summer.
Tell us about your favourite performances.
Where is your favourite place to perform?
There are so many things that can make your
gig awesome. The last Homegrown gig [ Jim Beam,
Wellington] was one we found hard in the past –
nothing to do with the crowd or anything, but the
way that the sound stages were set up. But this time
it was off the hook. We came off and we were just
like “that was mint.” Proper rock star business! We’ve
played a lot of really cool gigs overseas as well. In
the UK, we played some that were really special –
Glastonbury and the Big Chill. We were so excited to
be there, because it’s more of a struggle to make it
there. Hometown wise, it’s really hard to put apart
the different cities of New Zealand! It sounds cheesy
but they’re all awesome [laughs].
Do you enjoy live concerts the most?
Yeah - it’s a little different. The studio is more
cruising in with your tracksuit pants. We can just
take our time and there’s not so much pressure,
whereas the live shows are quite a lot of pressure,
and quite tiring – a whole different ball game really.
They’re really different and we love both for different
reasons. In live shows, we get out there and play to
people that like and buy our music, and that’s one of
the biggest buzzes.
You’ve been together since 1999. That is a very
long time.
It is, oh my God! [laughs]
What is it that’s kept you together?
We’re all really good friends; we were all friends
before we started the band. Time has gone really
fast! One thing we all said when we were getting
together was the one way to succeed in a band, no
matter how much or little we succeed, is to not quit
the band. So that’s our underlying philosophy – stay
in the band. If you’re not happy, you work it out in
a five way kind of marriage [laughs]. You have to be
flexible and admire each other, and we all do. We
all respect each other. It’s sometimes conflicting but
we’re all willing to stretch.
Your new drummer Darren joined Shapeshifter
recently. How’s that going?
We had one guy leave, but that was after ten
years. That was Redford, our old drummer. We got
Darren, who has played quite a few gigs now, but it
seems like he’s been in the band for ages. He just fits
in so beautifully. He’s our third drummer. We were
worried about the divide but he fits in really well.
He’s famous as! [laughs]
How do you create your songs? Is it from
jamming together, or does one person come up
with an idea?
There are usually a couple of us that sit down
and make it bit by bit. If we think it’s good for
Shapeshifter, we take it to the studio and see what the
other guys think. From there, it will change a lot so
we pretty much write everything together. One of us
might come up with something, but then we mould
and change them together and see how they work.
Some things work and some things don’t. We create
a beat, then lyrics.
What is the biggest change and development
that has taken place in your music since the
beginning?
It’s been so gradual. Gradually over time, from
when we first started, it was harder to make ends
meet financially. Even though it’s not a well-paid
job, the band’s grown a bit more and it’s made it a bit
easier for us to be here recently. In some ways it’s the
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52
same – just keeping on touring and trying to do good
concerts; good shows with good lights and good
sound. We just keep going to the studio and making
music, and it doesn’t seem like that long. It’s gone
really fast and the years just fly by. Time flies when
you’re having fun! [laughs]
What is your ultimate goal for Shapeshifter’s
success?
It’s fun to watch the band grow and see new
fans. Growing as a band is always the fun part. We
would be happy if we ended up playing in Wembley
or something. At the same time, the grind is fun, so
we’re just seeing how we go. In 2002, we all moved
to Melbourne. At that stage, everyone (all bands)
was moving to Auckland. We didn’t want to move
to Auckland, so we tried the Aussie market. We lived
there for five years and then Sam and I moved up
north of Byron Bay. We wrote some music there. We
were there for a couple of years, and now I’m back in
Christchurch. It was sunnier there! I really did like
living in Aussie.
Your latest album was mixed by the Upbeats - is
that correct?
Not so much mixed, but co-produced. We spent
time in the studio and then took it to the Upbeats.
They chucked it through their machines and gave
what they thought it needed. We had never worked
with them before, but we had seen them at lots of
gigs and we know them quite well. They are the
most down to earth, nicest guys you’ll ever meet.
We love them. Mixing is the really gruelling part of
the album, and those guys are really quick and slick.
We’d definitely work in some way with them again.
How long did Delta take?
We did it in bits – we did writing sessions but we
hadn’t really started the album. That was probably
about two years ago. A lot of that time was spent
touring. We were playing heaps of new songs off the
album in Europe. We had quite a few we tried over
there first.
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What was your favourite song to make?
Monarch was a good one to make; it had a good
feeling about it. Some of them were a bit of a grind
– Gravity was a bit of a grind but it got there in the
end. Some were a real struggle. We thought that
some weren’t sounding good, but knew that we could
make it sound better. Some come together really
quickly though.
What’s the biggest challenge?
For me, probably travelling. At the airport, then
the hotel. When you’re on tour, It’s all airports and
hotels. Getting to the concert is the fun part. The
extra work is the best part. The waiting around and
being away from family part isn’t so fun. I shouldn’t
moan at all really, even waiting around isn’t too bad.
It’s all of our lives and we’re incredibly blessed that we
were lucky enough to come across other like-minded
dudes, who were lucky enough to stay together. A
lot of guys and girls out there have all the talent, but
haven’t been lucky enough sometimes to find people
to make a band with.
When you’re not touring/making music, what
do you do? Is this your full-time job?
Yeah, it is. I play bass guitar on the side sometimes,
but not so much anymore. That’s more for fun.
Overall, our focus is Shapeshifter. We do take breaks
but yeah, this is our full-time job. There’s nothing else
I’d rather be doing. Hopefully it lasts a bit longer!
Who were your biggest inspirations in New
Zealand?
Salmonella Dub – back in the day. Back in the
day, they were definitely an inspiration and we have
a lot of respect for them. The Shihad boys – so much
admiration for those guys. The last time I saw them
was Coromandel Gold and they just killed it. They’ve
been around for ages, but they still all look young!
[laughs] Internationally, bands like TOOL. We did
a tour with them once; they’re so professional and
so inspirational. James Blake is another – trying out
new things. We really admire them as performers as
well as enjoying their music too.
What do you do in situations when the crowd
isn’t getting into it?
It can be really hard. We just have to put our all
into it. There are people that don’t look like they like
it. It’s tough. People still come to see us. I sometimes
stand at the back of a gig if I don’t feel like getting
right into it. I’ll still be loving it, but I won’t be going
nuts. So I always think that at least they’re watching.
Is it harder getting big crowds in Europe?
Definitely. We get decent crowds in Holland and
the Czech Republic, because we’ve played there a
couple of times before.
Do they party harder than we do?
Probably about the same! [laughs] They’re
awesome, they came and knew all the words to our
songs, but couldn’t speak any English afterwards.
We did some gigs with Netsky, we did a few hospital
gigs with some cool line-ups such as High Contrast.
We have done heaps of gigs with big DJ names in
England. We do stuff that we dreamed about doing
when we were kids, so it has definitely exceeded what
we thought. Some of the chances we’ve had have
been amazing. It’s not worldwide fame, but to play
with some of these bands is so incredible, we’ve been
so star struck by some of them.
Is everyone still loving it?
Yeah definitely. You do have your moments
when you take stuff for granted, but then you finish
those moments and then you snap out of it. I think
everyone is pretty stoked, real happy, and ready to
go!
Shapeshifter’s New Zealand wide tour kicked
off in Christchurch on July 11 and finishes on July
27 in Wellington. For ticket purchases and tour
information, visit eventfinda.co.nz.
53
“That’s our underlying philosophy – stay in the
band. If you’re not happy, you work it out like a
five way kind of marriage”
Massive ENTERTAINMENT FEATURE
54
Dick Hardy: Night With a Naughty Nurse
After the Game of Thrones inspired role-play from his last sexcapade,
Dick plays patient in his latest erotic encounter.
It was a blustering and windy night and I was sick
as a dog.
I had recently finished my last exam for the
semester and subsequently had succumbed to the
stress and poor diet that exams ensure. There I was,
tucked into bed, a chill gripping me even beneath
the covers and a blocked nose which clouded my
thoughts. On a cold Saturday night.
I was scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed on
my laptop, despairing at the photos and statuses of
friends who were preparing for, or already enjoying,
their Saturday nights. I was ready to log out when
a chat box popped up. Plans for tonight? X, it read.
It was my role-playing friend from my earlier
escapades (check out the previous edition of
MASSIVE). I had enjoyed many erotic dreams about
our last encounter and I was excited to hear from her.
Hey you. Would love to see you, but I’m dying, sick in
bed. Can’t say I would be much fun tonight sorry.
Waiting for her reply, despite my throbbing
head, my loins ached in remembrance of her sultry
affections. During the exam period I had neglected
my more primal needs and I realised I would sorely
enjoy a bit of her attention tonight.
Aw poor thing, sick? Maybe I should come over and
look after you? I thought about this for a moment.
The way she had said it gave me no idea if she meant
to come and bring me soup in bed or if she meant to
look after me in another way entirely.
I decided that a little bit of TLC in any form
would be appreciated and I told her as much. I’ll be
over soon, she promised.
I pulled my achy body from the bed and tried to
disguise my bin which was overflowing with tissues.
I slipped in and out of a hot shower and doused
myself with shower gel and nice smelling things to
try and rejuvenate myself.
Massivemagazine.org.nz
Alas, I was back in bed, albeit a bit fresher and
chirpier when I heard my front door being quietly
opened. I put my laptop on the floor and waited for
her to come to me. The door to my room opened
slowly and she crept in with a cheeky grin on her face.
She was wearing a large, black coat which went
past her knees with only socks covering her feet. Her
hair fell loosely around her heart shaped face and I
couldn’t help but grin at the mischievous gleam in
her eye. She sat on the bed cross-legged beside me
and it took all my self-control not to chance a look
beneath her coat.
She laid one hand on my chest and looked at me
sympathetically. “How ya doing babe?” she asked
quietly as her fingers trickled over my pecs and
nipples.
“I’ve felt worse. But better now you’re here,” I told
her. She leaned toward me and almost kissed me on
the lips before thinking better of it. She turned her
head and kissed under my chin.
“Well that’s good. I’ve got something for you, if
you think you’re up to it,” she told me. She dropped
a piece of white fabric onto my face. I reached up to
look at it, confused. It was some kind of hat. It had a
red circle on it with a white cross in the middle and
with my foggy mind, I couldn’t register what it was.
“Here,” she said, offering her head, and I put it
on her. She stood up and realisation hit me, it was
a nurse hat. With a confident smile she let the large
cloak fall from her shoulders to the floor and my
mouth fell open in admiration.
Beneath, she was wearing an extremely tightfitting and revealing nurse outfit. It hung loosely
around her curvaceous legs, tantalisingly high. The
upper bodice hugged her tightly and accentuated her
generous bosom.
55
Massive ENTERTAINMENT FEATURE
56
In full nudity, her gaze lingered
between my legs, and I felt my member
harden beneath her scrutiny.
After gorging my eyes on her sexy figure I looked
back to her face which was now serious, with only the
barest hint of a smirk tugging at her lips.
“Now sir, I heard you’re not feeling very well. Well
I want you to know you’re in great hands. I’m very
experienced at making people feel better.”
Her character playing never faltered once she had
begun and, rather than find it off-putting, it wildly
turned me on. I followed her lead.
“Yes miss. I feel terrible to be honest. You’ll have to
come closer so I can examine you properly,” she said.
She motioned me toward the edge of the bed
closest to her and I shuffled over to be checked out.
She pulled back the covers to reveal my attire: only a
pair of jockeys. She pressed her ear to my chest and
at the same time, her fingers trailed lightly down my
stomach to rest just above my jockeys. I felt my cock
twitch in anticipation.
“Hmm, your heart rate seems to have spiked,” she
informed me. Then she leaned forward and took my
nipple between her teeth and lightly nibbled it. “I’m
going to have to ask you to relax,” she murmured.
I took a deep breath through my mouth, my nose
still blocked, to try and calm myself. The cold of
having the duvet pulled away now brought goose
bumps to my skin and I heard her tut against my
nipple. “You’re cold. We’ll have to do something
about that.”
She stood and turned to th” bag she had brought
with her. Reaching inside, she pulled out a red bottle.
“This should do the trick, warming massage oil,” she
said with a satisfied smile.
She poured a line of the liquid down my stomach,
stopping at my underwear. “Hmm. We’re going to
have to remove these, sorry, it’s policy,” she assured
me. Deftly, she pulled my underwear from under
me and stripped them off my legs. In full nudity, her
gaze lingered between my legs and I felt my member
harden beneath her scrutiny.
“It looks like we have a problem down here,” she
said and, for a moment, I felt self-conscious under
Massivemagazine.org.nz
her examination. “There seems to be quite a bit of
swelling but don’t worry, I know of a few ways to
reduce that.
“We’ll take care of that next,” she said in full
seriousness and I couldn’t help but to smile with a
little relief.
“Yes miss, you’re the expert,” I told her. She
continued with her pouring until I had a line of the
fluid down my legs, then she finished with a few
drops on my balls, although she avoided my rigid
member. Then with experienced hands she began
to massage the oil into my skin and, with them,
followed a strange warmth from the gel.
Her hands pressed into my chest, they followed
the ripples of my abs, kneaded my legs, and I was
glad that my muscles hadn’t receded too drastically
over the exam period. My manhood was standing at
attention like an excited school boy, yet she refused
to touch it.
As her hands worked my body I stared at her
breasts which were struggling against the tight fabric.
I reached out and grabbed them but she took my
hand and looked at me disapprovingly.
“Tut tut,” she said. “You can’t just go grabbing
whatever you like, sir. Here, I will need to do an
examination on your fingers now.” Then she moved
my hand to the smooth of her leg and slowly moved
it higher. “If you could lie still and show me if your
fingers are still working please.”
Her acting was sometimes laughable but exciting
nonetheless. She aided my hand to the heat between
her legs and I was pleased to feel how wet she had
become. She was wearing thin underwear and I
pressed my fingers firmly into her soft mound.
She rose slightly onto the front of her feet and
closed her eyes briefly. “Mm, very good,” she sighed
as she began to continue her massage. I tugged at her
underwear until it was halfway down her thigh.
I reached beneath the nurse skirt again and
plunged my fingers into the warm depths to the
satisfying gasp of my attender. She spread her legs
to allow me better access and I worked my fingers
against her G-spot. She moaned and simultaneously
her hand found my sack which she began to caress.
I felt my nose clearing in all of the excitement and
I thought what a wonderful job my nurse was doing.
Her hand moved rhythmically and I remembered
another time when I had told her to treat them the
same as she might treat her own breast. I became
even more aroused at the thought.
“Now about this swelling,” she said. She took my
swollen penis in her hand and began tugging up and
down. I groaned in pleasure. I reached up and pulled
at the top of her outfit to let her breasts fall free.
She leaned down and let me take one in my
mouth. With my fingers busy between her thighs
and her breasts in my face, my cock was pulsing and I
began to hump into her hand. “How’s my treatment
sir?” she asked breathlessly. “Are you starting to feel
better?”
I gave her my answer by lifting her powerfully
across my stomach, my fingers still inside her and
pumping her furiously. She moaned her enjoyment
and her wrist action became frenzied and rapid.
I realized I wasn’t able to hold out any longer.
“Nurse, I think I’m ready for you to take some
samples now,” I breathed quickly. Taking my hint
she locked her lips to the head of my penis and I
exploded just as her tongue felt its way to my tip.
“Uuuaaaaaahhhhhhhnnnngggh!” I told her as I
released what must have been an impressive load. Her
legs squeezed together tightly around my fingers and
she moaned with me as I filled her mouth. Finally,
after teasing my penis into sensitivity, she gulped and
looked up at me with a proud smile.
I stared at her, gobsmacked by how lucky I was.
Surprisingly, I felt much better after her visit and my
cold went away soon after. So there came an end to
my exams and there comes an end to my encounter.
I hope all of you did well in your own exams and
stayed healthy or, if not, then I hope you were as
lucky as I was in getting better! Until next time,
DH
[email protected]
58
ASK A GURU
S E N S UA L A DV I C E – G U R U C L AY DA N
Guru, my life is becoming very PG-rated and it’s
time for something magical to happen. I have a few
guy friends I wouldn’t mind getting frisky with, but
most of them just see me as an innocent princess
and are too afraid to overstep the boundaries. How
do I tell one, or more, of them that I wouldn’t mind
taking a ride on the roller coaster? If you know
what I mean ;) Yours Truly, Ridin’ Dirty
Girl, that’s good that you want get down, but
remember, be safe, and grind only on clean willies. Firstly, why have you been going through a dry
spell? Have you just exited a relationship? Remember,
if you’re emotionally distraught, having sex with as
many people as possible doesn’t fix the situation. It’d
be good if it did though!
If you were PG because you couldn’t be bothered
with the D, let me give you some tips to get back
on it.
Firstly, since you’ve been in a drought you need to
clean up down there, this means making it smell nice
and if you trim, shave or style, do that. Maybe go a bit
wild and let it grow and make your fanny fro stylish. Secondly, stop being innocent, but don’t be a slut,
unless you want to. This means if you’re sitting on a
couch next to a boy you fancy, don’t cross your legs,
keep them open, and seductively rub your inner
thighs, laying down the subtle suggestion that you
want this boy to have what you hope to be amazing
sex. Stop listening to Taylor Swift, start listening to
the new Miley Cyrus, get your twerk on and grind
on just about anything. You see a stool, grind on
it. Your cooking dinner, grind on it. You hug your
mum, grind on her. Grind on anything, soon your
innocence will no longer exist. Next, find the boy, or boys, you like. If you’re
really keen, and don’t want to beat around the bush
of hooking up in town, then the following week a
cheeky ball grab and fanny tingle on the dance floor,
tell them you’re keen on the D, nine times out of 10
the boy will jump at the opportunity. Honesty is the
best policy. The only risk you face is a potentially
never seeing that boy the same way you once did.
Finally, let nature take its course. The world wants
you to go through a dry spell and live a PG life at
the moment. Your vagina will tell you when it’s ready.
It’ll be like, “hey, I’m ready to be prodded by a willy
now” and you’ll be like, “cool, go find me a willy”, and
Massivemagazine.org.nz
she’ll find one for you. Listen to your fanny, don’t be
uncanny. I’m an independent woman, I really am. But
there’s this guy and I real like him and we text
even when it’s not Saturday night. How do I be a
sophisticated, New Age woman and fall in love at
the same time? Thanks Single-and-not-sure-if-I’m-ready-to-mingle
You’re fucked. But it’s a good kind of fucked. I
understand how you might be scared of losing your
independence, but you don’t have to worry, Guru
will tell you how to maintain your independence and
fall in love at the same time.
Firstly, what is it that makes you independent? Are
you an African American woman who don’t need no
man? Or do you wear pant suits? Do you wear Doc
Martens? Or listen to Bon Iver?
You need to find out what makes your independent,
and then continue to do that. Pretty simple, but
finding what makes you independent can be hard.
It requires quiet time, time to think and reflect.
When Guru wants quiet time he plays with himself.
Masturbation is healthy and puts your mind at ease.
Everyone should do it, even if you do have a partner.
Masturbate and think about your individuality, it’ll
eventually cum to you. Once you have found your independence trait,
hold on to it, and allow you heart, mind, soul, nipples
and vagina fall in love with your guy. Make your heart
a place where his heart can live. Cute huh? And make
your vagina a place where his willy can hang out. First of all, LOVE your column. It’s the first
thing I turn to every month in MASSIVE. So, I
have a slight problem, one which most girls would
be envious of. My boyfriend has a HUGE dick.
We’re talking porn-star big. I can’t stop telling all
my friends because it’s just so MASSIVE. But the
problem is, I can only handle one bonk a night
because it freakin’ hurts. But he’s a nympho and
wants it all the time. What should I do? I want to
keep my man and his huge penis happy! Sincerely, Broken-By-Bonk
That’s good to hear! Guru faces the same problem.
My girlfriend can’t handle all of me. Hehehe I kid.
Guru is normal.
Firstly, what a lucky bastard, he must be very cocky.
Fuck I’m full of puns and wit. Guru recommends the
following:
Suggest he focus on foreplay ... To achieve orgasm
through penetration alone is something that only
pornstars can fake, and something that only 30 per
cent of the female population can achieve. Foreplay
works wonders and its the only way you can quiver. Small and soft motions rather than hard and deep
thrusts. Since you haven’t given me measurements,
I’m assuming his penis is over six and a bit inches, if
its porn-star big, I’d assume 8 inches up. The vagina is
4 inches deep, after that it gently expands; the average
penis is over 5 inches, so make him put in 4 inches
first, which isn’t all that much, then ease in the rest,
gently moving from six inches, which is what you
would be used to.
Lube. Lube that shit up. His slippery sausage will
slide in with ease. Relax and take it slow. You need
to tell him it hurts, don’t worry, this’ll make him feel
like a king.And this question obviously proves that
size isn’t everything: tell him not to be a prick, and
be gentle with his dick. Quick Fire:
I have a crush on someone! What do I do?
Thrust your hips in their direction and talk to
them. Easy peasy. I wank all the time. I’m bored though, I want
to spice up my jerking sessions... Any tips?
Use lube. It is a different sensation and feels
good! Instead of the standard jerk, flip you fist
upside down and do the back grip. Use two
hands. Use your non-dominant hand. Get pins
and needles in your hand and tug. All of these
techniques require just your hand(s) and some
decent dirty thoughts or movies. Or have a
shank, a shit and a wank. Apparently it’s rather
relieving. Stop being cranky, and have a wanky. She farted on my face. I liked it! Nothing wrong with a little bit of dirty stuff
happening in the bedroom. Be careful though,
the fart could turn into shart, and you could
also get pink eye. 59
BALI (INDONESIA)
T ravel – Y V E T T E M O R R I S S E Y
Bali is a small Indonesian island, roughly 5500km.
Myself and my friend Libby flew 11 hours to this
delightful island in June. It cost me $1800NZ for
plane tickets and four-star accommodation, which is
doable on a student budget.
Kuta is the main tourist zone. However Legian is
only five minutes away and slightly quieter and safer.
We stayed in The Legian 101- a hotel perfect for
students as, most nights, they have pool parties with
buy-one get-one-free cocktails and live DJ’s.
The 101 is also on the main street in Legian, so
shopping, spas and restaurants are at your doorstep.
Bali’s currency is the Indonesian Rupiah, and the
exchange rate for New Zealanders is very good. For
example, dinner at a nice restaurant in Legian costs
- from my experience - around $15, which includes a
starter, main, dessert and a couple of cocktails.
Bali has everything you could want for a study
break- shopping, beautiful beaches, exquisite cuisine,
and rich cultural experiences. You can go there to
party, or simply relax poolside, beachside, or at one
of the luxurious spas.
WHAT TO PACK
If your aim is to shop till you drop, don’t pack much.
Seriously. Take a few pairs of undies, and one set of
clothing suited to hot weather. June is the best time to
visit Bali: it is summer, and the temperatures average
in the mid-thirties. Everything in Bali is ridiculously
cheap - I took only NZ$500, which covered me for
shopping, gift-buying, and meals at restaurants. STAY HYDRATED
When we arrived, two people fainted in the customs’
line. Shifting from nine degree tempuratures to the
mid-thirties can sometimes have a negative effect on
those with low blood pressure, so make sure you stay
hydrated on the plane. Do not drink the tap water in Bali as it can cause
the dreaded “Bali Belly”. Always carry a bottle of
water with you. Your hotel should provide bottled
water for you to brush your teeth with. WHAT TO DO
Waterbom Park is an absolute must! There are 20
hydroslides, including “The Climax”, featuring a trap
door under your feet which releases and sends you
plummeting down at a 2.5 G-force speed. Waterbom
also has restaurants, a poolside bar, and a day spa. Get
your feet exfoliated by skin sucking fish, or tan by the
pool. It is the perfect way to start your Bali adventure. Next on the must-do list is snorkelling. This was
definitely the highlight of my trip, being a snorkelling
newbie. I felt as though I were in Finding Nemo.
Angel fish, dolphin fish, zebra fish and many others
swam peacefully beneath me, coming up to nibble at
the bread we were provided with to feed them.
This experience was part of a three-island rafting
cruise, which took us to Bali’s “sister” islands:
Lembongan, Ceningan and Penida.
If you aren’t too squeamish when it comes to
animal parks, then I suggest the Elephant Safari Park
in Taro, Ubud. Ride, feed and cuddle one of God’s
most gentle giants. The elephants at this safari park
are breath-taking; there is currently a baby elephant
there who is too cute for words. The restaurant buffet
lets you sample many of the traditional Balinese
dishes, and you can sit and watch some of the
elephants perform tricks.
If you are keen to party, make sure you head to
Bounty Bar and Sky Garden Lounge, the two most
popular clubs in Kuta.
Make sure you dip your toes into the culture of
Bali. Visit the Mother Temple of Besakih, the largest
and holiest temple in Bali. It is comprised of 22
individual temples, and offers an amazing view of
Bali’s highest mountain point, Mount Agung.
I also recommend you spend a day getting
pampered. For NZ$20 I got a one-hour massage,
pedicure and manicure. This is one of the reasons
students should go to Bali! Knots caused by late
night study were carefully kneaded out of my back
and I left, two hours later, feeling like a goddess.
BE AWARE
People will attempt to sell magic mushrooms to
you, especially near the two main drinking holes:
Bounty Bar and Sky Garden Lounge. Under no
circumstances should you take them.
Never put your cell phone or wallet in your
pockets - unless they are deep - because you could be
pickpocketed. Embrace the convenience of a fanny
pack, or a bag with a short shoulder strap you can
carry close to your body.
Good travel insurance is a must if you go to Bali.
We ran into some tourists who had their money or
possessions stolen. However, don’t let this put you
off going to Bali, the people there are very friendly,
and we didn’t have any problems during our stay.
Also- don’t drink arak (rice wine). If arak isn’t
distilled properly, it can contain methanol which
can cause brain damage, blindness and death. A
New Zealander died in 2011 after drinking this at
his hotel, so it is important to drink only bottled
alcohol. If you feel strange after eating or drinking
anything, visit a doctor.
If you use your common sense and do your
research, you will have an amazing time in Bali!
Massive Columns
60
A NEW MAN IN TIGHTS, CELEB APOCALYPSE AND NZIFF ANNOUNCEMENTS
F I L M C O LU M N – PAU L B E R R I N GTO N
It’s that time of the year when the weather turns
nasty, exams are stressful, that cold just won’t go
away, and all you feel like doing is hibernating.
Thankfully it’s a great time of year for movies with
some big blockbusters around, if that is your thing,
and the New Zealand International Film Festival just
around the corner.
Over the next few months you can expect some
of the most expensive films of all time, with the
blockbuster season starting to take full effect. They
don’t come much bigger than the extravagance that is
Man of Steel, the latest attempt at making Superman
as successful at the box office as his DC Comics
cohort Batman.
Watchmen director Zack Snyder is partnered with
David S. Goyer, the writer behind The Dark Knight
and Blade, while Christopher Nolan, himself a
director of mega-movies such as the ridiculous
Inception, produces.
Clearly the intention is to darken the character of
the caped crusader, the man in tights, and all-round
good guy super hero. Critics have been split over the
film, with some raising questions about such a radical
change in representation, while others have noted the
sheer audacity of the production.
Either way it looks a lot better than World War Z.
Zombies have become increasingly mainstream
of late, and this Brad Pitt vehicle is another one of
those films that went so far over budget that 10 other,
possibly better films could have been made.
Paul Bradshaw at Total Film says the film chooses
“quantity over quality, intensity over tension and
big-screen thrills over low-fi shocks - this is probably
what the zombie apocalypse will actually look like”,
suggesting, though this is no masterpiece, it could be
best viewed on the biggest screen possible.
Seth Rogen looks like he is having a bit of fun with
his own blockbuster, satirical apocalyptic comedy,
This Is the End, in which a group of actors play
themselves during the last moments on earth, while
hanging out at James Franco’s place. Audiences have
reacted better than critics to the film, and it could
easily be a surprise hit this month.
The first announcement of films and events has been
released by the folks at NZIFF and, as usual, there
seems to be a little something for everyone, as well as
an increasingly strong focus on local output.
Master director Alfred Hitchcock has two films
showing, with Dial M for Murder and North by
Northwest given the 3D treatment. Anyone who
remembers the plane crash scene from the latter
knows what I’m saying when I suggest that the
audience may just run for cover.
Alison Maclean, who made her directional debut
with the classic Kitchen Sink, will select the best of
New Zealand’s short films, always one of the most
interesting parts of the programme and a launchpad
for many talented directors.
Horror masterpiece Suspiria, a film whose
memorable tagline, “the only thing more terrifying
than the last 12 minutes of this film are the first
92”, belies the surrealist brilliance the set design and
music convey, will screen with legendary prog-rock
group Goblin playing their original soundtrack live.
Stay up with further announcements over at the
NZIFF website, and don’t forget that they are always
looking for volunteers to help with the festival,
which is a great chance to see a whole range of films
on a limited budget.
that doesn’t exist. If you want to multitask while
watching TV, you use your phone, or your tablet,
or one of a myriad of other devices that can access
WiFi. Why bother waving your hands all over the
place to bring up Twitter?
It thankfully wasn’t all television: there were
eventually a few games. An Australian dude from
EA Sports came up and used a bunch of buzzwords
to describe how the Xbox One will revolutionise
the way we play Fifa, but didn’t actually show any
games. Remedy’s new game was announced, with
a confusing teaser featuring a boat crashing into
a bridge and an incredibly generic title, Quantum
Break. The next Forza game was also announced:
they showed a “gameplay” trailer. Cars were driving,
they looked like cars.
The trouble with showing car games on a new
console is that cars in games have looked amazing
since 2005’s Gran Turismo 4; I haven’t been impressed
by a single screenshot of a car since.
Lastly there was about five minutes of talk about
the new Call of Duty. It would have been ignorable
if not for the motion-captured dog. Seeing that dog
in his little red motion-capture suit was the highlight
of my morning.
The actual game is going to suck, but it has a
motion-captured dog so it can’t be all bad.
All in all, it was a really average reveal. Reps from
Microsoft have said they will be actually showing
games at E3, so maybe I’ll be a bit more excited after
that.
I’m still not keen on the name though. People are
eventually going to refer to it as, “The One”. C’mon
Microsoft, how egotistical can you get? I suggest
using the name the internet has lovingly dubbed it
with, The Xbone.
MICROSOFT’S NEXTBOX
G A M I N G C O LU M N – C A L LU M O ’ N E I L L
“I woke up at 4:50am for that?” That is what I was
thinking immediately after Microsoft’s wholly
disappointing hour-long reveal of their latest Sky TV
decoder, the Xbox One.
Do you guys remember television? Not the thing
you plug your consoles into, but real television, with
the 1:3 ratio of ads to programming, and things that
came out in the States months ago. That seemed to be
Microsoft’s focus for this gaming console reveal and,
as a gamer who abandoned TV for the convenience
of the internet years ago, I was kind of offended.
Using the “power” of the new Kinnect that will
come with the Xbox One, you can now bring up a
twitter feed while you are watching television with
a wave of your hands. Wow, good job Microsoft. I
can now do something I’ve been able to do with my
iPhone for nearly five years.
They seem to be going after a market of multitaskers
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lighthousecinema.co.nz
61
student
thursday
Every Thursday at Light House
Cinema students can enjoy $11 2D
and $13.50 3D films plus a free coffee
with ticket purchase.
seeing
stars
?!
$10 entry for students with student ID
every Tuesday night.
Valid student ID must be presented.
Light House Cuba 29 Wigan Street (across from Havana Bar)
CARTER OBSERVATORY
www.carterobservatory.org
Massive Columns
62
The PLACE BEYOND THE PINES
PAU L B E R R I N GTO N
Constantly mesmerising and highly accomplished,
The Place Beyond the Pines confirms director Derek
Cianfrance as a new maverick, delivering a sprawling
tale of family, love and guilt, all within the framework
of the classic American crime drama.
Although at first there are some connecting
features in his character, this is a far different setting,
positioning this increasingly adaptable star in a
restrained and contemplative crime drama.
In the first act, Luke Glanton (Gosling), a local
stunt rider, learns that a fling with good-time girl
Romina (Eva Mendes) has resulted in a baby boy. He
decides to stay in town, tries to get work, and win the
love of his son and Romina, but it isn’t that easy, and
soon he is robbing banks to provide what his normal
life cannot.
Inevitably things go wrong and we enter a second
act, focusing on Avery Cross (Bradley Cooper) and
his attempts to re-enter the police force following
an injury, while resisting the advances of corrupt
Detective Deluca (Ray Liotta). Fifteen years later and
Cross, now running for District Attorney, watches as
his own son, and Glanton’s, enter a relationship he
knows is destined for tragedy.
Of course there is much more detail to the story
than that, and Cianfrance and co-writer Ben Coccio
manage to string the elaborate plot together in a
complex narrative. In many ways, the film stands as an
indie ode to the likes of Goodfellas or Heat, replacing
big budget action with a more contemplative and
lyrical perspective on crime within the family
dynamic, in similar ways to David Michod’s Animal
Kingdom.
Both leads deliver natural performances, with
Cooper in particular surprisingly effective as Cross,
a character whose guilt has crippled him, yet whose
ambition is unstoppable.
Small roles for accomplished character actors
provide depth and intensity, with Ben Mendelsohn
outstanding as a smalltown mechanic, and Bruce
Greenwood typically effective as an investigating
officer.
If anything, the female characters are a little
underwritten, with both Mendes, and Rose Byrne,
who stars as Avery’s wife, not given quite enough
screen time, despite doing well with what they’re
given.
Cianfrance sets a subdued tone, letting the weight
of his story unfold in a muted and mesmerising
style, never attempting to push emotional buttons
for simple provocation. The haunting score from
Mike Patton helps to sustain this method, as does
a soundtrack featuring Bruce Springsteen and other
blue collar favourites.
Sean Bobbitt’s (Shame, The Killer Inside Me)
cinematography captures upstate New York in
beautiful clarity, framing the characters in the
hopelessness of their surroundings, and the tragedy
of their outcomes.
Don’t go into this expecting a fast-paced crime
thriller in the new Hollywood tradition, this film
harks back to the sort of films Sam Peckinpah and
Walter Hill used to make, lyrical character studies
about men and their methods, boldly poetic, yet
tough as nails.
UPSTREAM
THE
PLACE BEYOND
COLOUR (2013)
4/5 PINES (2012)
THE
Director Shane Caruth
4/5
Amy Seimetz, Shane Carruth,
Derek Cianfrance
Ryan Gosling, Bradley Cooper,
Eva Mendes. Rose Byrne, Ben Mendelsohn,
Ray Liotta and Bruce Greenwood.
Starring
Director
Starring
WARHOL IMMORTAL: LIFE BEYOND WORK
A N N A B E L H AW K I N S
Jackie O, Edie Sedgwick, Marilyn Munroe. The
power woman of the 60s, the icons, the influencers.
I met them all. In one room. All at once. It took my
breath away.
Warhol’s exhibition at Te Papa has been described
as one of the museum’s biggest exhibitions yet,
alongside the likes of Monet and Pompeii. On loan
from the Andy Warhol museum in Pittsburgh,
the production-line style exhibit spans Warhol’s
artistic endeavours, from his early line drawings and
lithography to his iconic silkscreens and famously
banal silent films.
One of the most prolific and influential artists of
the 20th century, Warhol’s transformative love affair
with Hollywood and fame, people and portraiture
comes alive on the walls within the space, forming
wallpaper, interactive installations and sentimental
imagery from the silver era where amphetamine and
Massivemagazine.org.nz
mass production went had-in-hand.
There is something quite magical about seeing
such illustrious art in the flesh. You see it for more
than a Google image, a picture in a textbook, a
magazine, because you can see the brushstrokes,
where the ink bled in the paper, the way the paint
forms three-dimensionally beneath the frame.
Warhol’s work was intentionally formulaic in
attempting to remove any traditional artistic value
from his work, yet I found what I experienced was
quite the opposite. The assault of colour on pattern
on colour, the conviction behind each mark made, it
was really quite remarkable and somewhat personal.
This exhibit osculates around Warhol’s revival of
portraiture; the kind of things only old and dead
masters did, by peering back and playing up the
bright layers of pop culture. In doing so, he had done
away with tradition and challenged the very face of it.
Will Warhol’s pop art ever become out-dated,
unironically kitsch? (We have the bastardisation
of the Four Square man for that). In musing about
mortality, Warhol once said, “I never think that
people die. They just go to department stores”.
As I exit via the gift shop, I cannot help but imagine
Warhol laughing - and loving - the fact that his name
is now a brand, a brand emblazoned on everything
from coffee mugs to skate boards. I walked away
wondering what Warhol would say about the hypertagging, photo posting culture of today.
Just as when the Rolling Stones came to New
Zealand, you’ll regret this if you miss it.
63
OBLIVION (2013)
J o r da n G o wa n
There’s been a score of post-apocalyptic movies
hitting the screens recently, each with their own take
on the typical “it’s the end of the world but humanity
survives”-styled plot. However while it’s all starting
to sound a bit familiar, somehow Oblivion’s attention
to detail, acting and constant plot twists make it
stand out from the all-too crowded genre.
Its 2077 (keep in mind that’s only 64 years away,
guys) and Earth is largely deserted. Only one man,
Jake Harper (Cruise) remains. Before you start to
think it’s just a remake of 2007’s I Am Legend, the
film explains that Earth has been attacked by an alien
species known as Scavs and, although the humans
won, the planet is basically ruined.
While the rest of humanity gapped it to live on
Titan, one of Saturn’s moons, Harper and his partner
Victoria Olsen (Riseborough), have been left as the
clean-up crew to look after a whole pile of power
stations.
Although the first half of the movie mostly seems
to comprise Tom Cruise flying around and fixing
drones, there’s enough tension from Harper’s dreams
of his mysterious past and friction with Olsen to keep
the ball rolling and the audience guessing. Finally, it
starts to pick up when he encounters a ragtag group
of humans led by Malcom Beech (Freeman) that
reveals that the giant space station (the Tet) orbiting
Earth is hiding a few secrets of its own.
Oh, and a spaceship full of survivors including
Harpers wife (Kurylenko) crash-lands near Harper’s
tower, and that’s when things start to get really
confusing.
Without giving too much away, director Joseph
Kosinski spends a lot of time setting up the plot only
to take it in an entirely different direction. Along
the way we get to see Morgan Freeman sporting the
most bad-ass leather outfit since Mad Max, some of
the coolest CGI landscapes out (I could’ve watched
this movie for the background – no joke!), and Tom
Cruise deliver the best one-liner of his entire career.
Plus there’s an incredible soundtrack composed
by Daft Punk, M83 and Joseph Trapanese which
further complements the haunting post-apocalyptic
atmosphere.
Despite the occasional plot hole and the film
taking a while to get to the action, Oblivion is one
of those action films that you find hard to get out of
your head. This is one film definitely worth checking
out – even if it is the last post-apocalyptic movie you
can handle.
UPSTREAM
OBLIVION
(2013)
COLOUR (2013)
4/5
Shane Caruth
Joeseph
Kosenski
Tom Cruise,
Amy
Seimetz,Morgan
Shane Carruth,
Freeman,
Olga Kurylenko, Andrea Riseborough
Director
Starring
QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE: LIKE CLOCKWORK
MAX D
Following the release of Era Vulgaris back in ‘07,
QOTSA kind of went away. With the exception
of some reissues and a few mini-tours it was pretty
much a hiatus. Band helmsman Josh Homme stayed
busy, teaming up with various artists to make albums
and to make babies.
While he was probably awesome at both, the
QOTSA fans grew impatient. After six long years the
Palm Desert rockers emerged from the studio, signed
to a new label, and grasping a new album. It’s fucking
good.
The opening track “Keep your Eyes Peeled”
immediately sets a spooky tone that is dark and
spectral, even for QOTSA.
Mr Homme describes the creative process for this
album as a therapeutic one. It would appear that the
band had a lot of pent up dark, eerie, surly, crunchy,
sexy, moody, rocking-the-fuck-out, to deal with.
It’s not all gloom and swoon though. Breaks in
the clouds like “I Sat by the Ocean” and “If I had a
Tail” provide a balancing dose of feel good rock. Sir
Elton John even lends some rainbow to “Fairweather
Friends”, but you could be forgiven for not spotting
him as the guitars dominate the mixing desk.
Other guest artists include Josh Homme’s wife
Brody Dalle (Distillers), Jon Theodore (The Mars
Volta) and Alex Turner (Arctic Monkeys). The return
of Dave Grohl to drums and Nick Oliveri on bass
would suggest something more similar to “Songs for
the Deaf ”, but the end product is more sophisticated
and focussed. Punk-style riff driven songs have given
way to piano backing and slowly built up ballads.
The classic traits are still prevalent: big bass,
thick toneful gain, analog synth, crunchy anthemic
choruses and fake endings a-plenty. “Smooth sailing”
is relentlessly funky, spouting lyrics like “I blow my
load over the status quo”, while the drum-charged
“My God is the Sun” is quintessentially Queens.
The lack of mosh pit-inducing tracks may
disappoint some fans, but there will be plenty of
room on the live setlist for throwbacks. With only
10 tracks making the cut it almost feels like the ride
ends too soon.
Like Clockwork is meticulously crafted and adds
another dimension to an epic back catalogue. It’s a
bloody-lipped Transylvanian seduction with just the
right mix of howls and bites.
Clockwork is hopefully not a swan song from these
maturing dads of stoner rock but, if it is, it’s a swan
song sung so well. I’m going to hold back half a star,
just because I think they would prefer it.
QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE:
LIKE CLOCKWORK (2013)
4.5/5
Label
Matador Records.
Massive Columns
64
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