may 3, 2006

www.wakemag.org
the u’s weekly student magazine • may
3, 2006
Staff
Editorial
Editor-in-Chief
Kay Steiger
Managing Editor
Lane Trisko
Athletics Editor
Craig Rentmeester
Athletics Assistant
Athletics Staff Writers
Campus Editor
Campus Assistant
Campus Staff Writers
Brian Tolentino
Jeff Barthel
Tyler Rushmeyer
Jessica Mann
Sarah Howard
Rachel Drewelow
Vincent Staupe
Literary Editor
Kim Gengler
Literary Assistant
Kel Sangster
S&V Editor
Michael Mitchell
S&V Assistant
Jenny Odegard
S&V Staff Writers
Erin Belling
Haily Gostas
Kristin Mueller
Film Critic
Voices Editor
Voices Assistant
Voices Staff Writers
Chris Wilson
Colleen Hellenbrand
Cole Dennis
Tom McNamara
Nix Wurdak
Production
production manager
Eric Price
art director
Sam Soule
photo editor
Brennan Vance
web editor
Andy Tyra
cover artist
Eric Price
graphic designers
illustrators
photographers
copy editors
office manager
advertisting executive
pr director
distributors
board of directors
The Heart of the Beast Theater will sponsor its 32nd annual May Day festival,
which is a little political and mostly artistic. Last year, more than 50,000 people
attended the festivities. This year, the prarade features a “Banned Book Band”
among a wealth of other cultural gems.
Kristin Drews
Carina Enbody
Shannon Licari
Eric Price
Jeremy “Vaginasure” Sengly
Alex Judkins
Miranda Peterson
Eric Price
Aaron Ridgeway
Jeremy Sengly
Nick Tchida
Brennan Vance
Stacy Bengs
Jenny Odegard
Elizabeth Aulwes
Clayton Benjamin
Mary Cummings
Kelly Frush
BUSINESS
business manager
04 May Day in the Heart
of the City
Andy Tyra
Tamara Swanson
Jamie King
Cassie Benson
Gwen McNamara
Ryan Frailich
Brennan Vance
Chris Wilson
10 Soul Position Proves
Things Really Are Better
RJ and Al might have more personality than talent, but who’s keeping track?
When the Triple Rock hosts the dynamic duo, only an ode to Verizon Wireless is
the perfect ending to an evening of heavy drinking.
James DeLong
Paul Froiland
Courtney Lewis
Kathy Schlecht
CONTRIBUTING WRITERS
Elizabeth Aulwes, Jeff Barthel, Alex Brown, Haily
Gostas,Brian Kuchida, Jessica Mann, Michael
Mitchell, Kristen Mueller, Emma O’Brien, Tyler
Rushmeyer, Brian Tolentino, Nix Wurdak
©2006
Established in 2002, The Wake is an
independent weekly magazine, produced
by and for students at the University of
Minnesota. The Wake is a registered
student organization.
The Wake was founded by Chris Ruen and
James DeLong.
The Wake
1313 5th St. SE
Minneapolis, MN 55414
Send letters to [email protected]
Please include your name, year, and
college. The Wake does not publish
anonymous letters.
Letter from the Editor
This is the last issue of our tenure as managing editor and editor-inchief, and we would like to thank everyone for making this one of the
best years of our lives.
Lane, if you don’t stop now, I’m probably going to vomit.
It wouldn’t be the first time tonight, Kay.
You don’t have to be so sentimental. I think the tear-soaked pages
should be enough. So stop being such a pussy, and finish the damn
letter.
Yes, ma’am.
KAY STEIGER & LANE TRISKO
Departing Editor-in-Chief Departing Managing Editor
Volume 4, Issue 21
A beast with a heart of gold
Campus . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Oral sex for history majors
Voices . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . End of the semester awards
Athletics . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Where is your soul positioned?
Sound & Vision . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . That guy looks like Jesus
Literary . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . TWO websites of the issue?!
Bastard . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 04
07
10
22
18
26
4
Campus
May 3, 2006
stacy bengs
Public Puppet Parade
in Powderhorn Park
By Emma O’Brien
Outside, puddles slowly evaporate from the
desolate wreckage that is the Lake Street reconstruction project. But inside the Heart of the Beast
Theater on East Lake and 15th Avenue, community
members of all ages and cultures are hard at work,
preparing the pieces that will make up the 32nd
Annual May Day Parade and Festival.
The Heart of the Beast May Day Festival began
in 1974 with a small group of artists, but has grown
to include 17 full-time artists and hundreds of community volunteers, and has attracted over 50,000
spectators to Powderhorn Park in the past.
The planning process for the parade begins
early at two community brainstorming sessions
in February and March. For the last 23 years, the
Heart of the Beast Puppet and Mask Theater has
hosted the public meetings, which determine the
yearly theme.
Sandy Spieler, a member of the Heart of the
Beast Theater, described what goes on at these
meetings as a series of questions to each individual about the state of their city, nation, and world.
“What is it that makes you sad and angry? What
gives you joy and inspires?” the brainstormers were
asked. Based on the responses, Spieler asks a second
question: “What does everyone wish this city to be
like in 50 years?” The purpose of this query is to
encourage the community to cross the borders that
divide it, to get to know neighbors, and to share experiences. This year’s suggestions for Minneapolis
in five decades include “better transportation for
all, garden and community spaces, use of sustainable energy that works with the living systems of
the earth, a sense that no one is illegal, and a state
of peace for the city and world.” The participants
A series of green banners stating, “All May
Marry,” “All May Love,” and “All May Grow” surround the workstation for the “The Time is Now to
Walk Hand in Hand” section. Ramon Cordes, an
artist who began as a volunteer at the age of 12, describes this section as focusing on the physical connections between people. For Cordes, the best part
of the process is coming together as a community
to build. “It’s a great way to get your voice out,”
he says above the sounds of about 100 busy volunteers and artists who are participating in tonight’s
workshop. Like Cordes, many volunteers start as
children and grow up in the theater, carrying on
the tradition every year.
Tina Nemetz, a volunteer of 10 years, has created a banner for the “Hand in Hand” section reading “All May Be.” Her hope is to encourage people to put energy into loving, accepting, and being
friends with others.
Tonight, Nemetz is working on a giant papier
mache bookworm. This creature will be part of
the “The Time is Now To Check Out Our Common
Wealth” section. The new Minneapolis Public Library on Nicollet and Fourth Street will be opening two weeks after the May Day Parade, and this
section celebrates the wealth of knowledge to be
found and shared in the library system. The float
for “Common Wealth” will feature a “Banned Book
Band” along with the herd of bookworms.
Nemetz discovered the May Day Festival shortly after moving to the Powderhorn Park neighborhood. “One day I woke up and there were 50,000
people in my front yard!” she recalls. Since then
she has attended and participated in the parade,
along with her son and daughter. “This neighborhood has more artists than any other place in the
state, per capita,” Nemetz says of the Lake StreetPowderhorn Park district. This contributes to the
strong sense of community and cooperation that is
present in the Heart of the Beast Theater. “Once
you get over your fear and you go through the door,
this is probably the most loving place that I have
then find a common “umbrella” that connects their
ideas into a theme.
This year, the theme is “The Time Is Now.”
Artists and volunteers have formulated storyboards
of plans for the five subsections that comprise the
middle of the parade. Each of the five sub-themes
gets a section in the parade, complete with a float,
puppets, and masked dancers. Because of Hurricane
Katrina, the parade will begin with a great flood,
symbolizing the disparities in our world, Spieler
says. When the parade reaches Powderhorn Park,
a ceremony featuring a giant sun puppet, a great
tree of life, and over 300 dancers and puppeteers
marks the finale. These final images are symbols
of hope for the future and the rebirth associated
with May Day.
Soozin Hirschmugl, co-section leader for
“The Time is Now to Speak the Truth,” has been
working with the Heart of the Beast for 15 years.
“One day I woke up and there
were 50,000 people in my yard!”
Hirschmugl’s section focuses on Janus, the twoheaded Roman god of doorways. “He’s the god
of beginnings and endings … polar opposites, the
past and the present,” Hirschmugl explains. A giant two-headed mask of Janus will adorn the float,
while rolling doorways pushed by skeletons will
precede and follow. This section also will feature
dancers dressed in raven and crane costumes, to
symbolize death and hope respectively. Hirschmugl
enlisted the help of local organizations including
South West High School, the Harriet Tubman Shelter, and immigrant rights groups to make doorways
representing truths they believe need to be spoken.
By crossing the threshold of the doorways, the skeletons, once “in the closet,” are brought to light.
ever been,” she says. Nemetz encourages everyone
to become involved with what she describes as “the
most significant event of the year.”
Volunteers range from young children to students to older artists and community members.
Most are from Minneapolis, but one woman had
come from Viroqua, Wisc., bringing with her a foreign exchange student from Germany. The mix of
cultures in the theater is obvious in the bilingual
signs describing each station in Spanish and English.
Cordes emphasizes the economy of the materials used, including recycled grocery bags, newspapers, plastic containers, fabric, and cardboard.
Even the clay is recycled and reused from year to
year. Hirschmugl estimates that the clay used for
the Janus mask mold is between 25 and 30 years
old.
Kevin Long, who has worked as a technical director and freelance puppeteer for the Heart of the
Beast Theater, sees the May Day Festival as a coming out after a long winter. He enjoys watching every spring as things go from the planning stages to
conceptualization. Long and the rest of the artists
and volunteers are well aware of the approaching
deadline. Last year he stayed up until 4 a.m. the day
of the parade, putting the finishing touches on his
float. “Some of the paint was still wet as we pushed
the thing out the door,” he remembers.
When asked if she thinks everything will get
completed in time, Nemetz smiles and says, “It always does.”
The May Day Parade begins at 1 p.m. on Sunday, May 7 and
runs along Bloomington Avenue from 26th St. E. to Powderhorn Park. The festival in the park continues until dusk.
Rain date is the following Sunday. A free public workshop
is scheduled for Thursday, May 4 from 7-9 p.m. for those
interested in being involved with the May Day Festival. For
more information call 612-721-2535.
Campus
www.wakemag.org
5
miranda peterson
It’s Not Easy
Being Green
Learn to be more
environmentallyfriendly at the
Living Green Expo
By Elizabeth Aulwes
Hybrid cars, compact fluorescent light bulbs,
Green Routes, organic fruits and veggies, recycling,
fair trade, pesticide-free household and hygiene
products, local agriculture, biking, hemp clothing,
free-range chicken and eggs, windpower, soy milk,
public transportation and more. These are just a few
components of adopting a sustainable lifestyle—if
you can make sense of the environmentally-friendly
barrage. Sound like a lot to deal with? That’s where
the Living Green Expo comes in.
The fifth annual Living Green Expo, which will
be held Saturday and Sunday, May 6 and 7, from 10
a.m. to 5 p.m. both days at the Grandstand building at the Minnesota State Fair Grounds, is sponsored by a variety of local environmental groups,
non-profit organizations, the Minnesota Pollution
Control Agency and other local businesses such
as Target, 3M and Twin Cities Natural Food CoOps. The expo aims to bring green options to Twin
Cities residents to make life simpler and more
sustainable.
“Let’s be concerned about how we’re living our
for your pet,” on sustainability in religion and, of
course, on sharing energy-saving solutions.
More than 230 companies showcasing green
products, resources and services will be at the expo.
There’s an eco-fashion show scheduled, live music
and other environmental artists, such as Richard
Bresnahan, a professor of art and sustainability at
Saint John’s University and the College of Saint
Benedict.
Local band The Owls will play at 4 p.m. on
Saturday. You might recognize their single “Air”
from Radio K.
The extensive list of exhibitors, artists and
green organizations won’t include politicians. “This
is an event sponsored by so many different organizations,” Gustafson says. “We have a common
interest, but there won’t be any campaigning. It’s
not a Democrat or Republican thing.” Gustafson
says she wants people to learn and get informed at
the expo—without the politics.
That doesn’t mean green issues shouldn’t be on
political agendas. “As individuals and as a commu-
“Let’s be concerned about how we’re living our lives in the long term.”
lives in the long term,” says Ami Voeltz, the founder
of the Twin Cities Green Guide and the lifestyles
and recreation team coordinator of the expo. “More
than anything, it’s inspiring,” she says.
This year’s expo is drawing big names. Will
Steger, a Minnesota native, environmentalist and
artic explorer, will speak Saturday at 1 p.m. about
the climate changes he’s seen firsthand. PBS’s Wanda Urbanska, who hosts Simple Living, will talk
Sunday at 1 p.m. about ways to reduce stress.
“There’s something there for everyone,” says
Laurie Gustafson, marketing officer of the MPCA
and the expo. “This is about choices and trying to
meet people where they’re at, without the guilt factor,” she says. That’s why there’s such a focus on
education at the expo, Gustafson explains.
There will be more than 66 free workshops,
with subjects ranging from eco-tourism to “green
collar jobs” to wallet-friendly health food. They
even have workshops on “sustainable medicine
nity, we need to be conscious” of our environmental
choices, Voeltz says. Frank Duoma, team coordinator of transportation for the expo, agrees. “We need
to start to think about these alternatives,” Duoma
says. The market will likely adjust to take care of
these concerns, Duoma explains, but he favors a
dual approach, implementing regulatory measures
alongside natural market shifts.
“Avoid the single-occupant car,” Duoma says.
It’s the best way to reduce emissions and improve
your ecological footprint, which Duoma explains as
a person’s impact on the environment in everyday
living. Walk, bike, carpool or ride the bus whenever
possible, Duoma suggests.
But living green isn’t a lifestyle that can be adopted overnight, everyone admits. The expo is about
“how to incorporate simple living ideas” into everyday life, Gustafson says. “We’re looking for simpler
ways to live. It’s a fun thing to be a part of.”
Campus
www.wakemag.org
6
stacy bengs
What Happened to All
the Beer Cups
on the Ground?
Student groups clean up campus
and make beautiful marks
by Jessica Mann
In the midst of the brutal Minnesota winter,
most freezing pedestrians would hardly consider
the grey and barren University of Minnesota campus to be particularly beautiful. But as the weather
has grown warmer and the days sunnier and longer,
campus has slowly shed its wintery grit and grime
to reveal green grass and blooming flowers. While
the university’s grounds and buildings (many of
them, anyway) could be considered quite pretty on
bright spring day, it takes a considerable amount
of work to keep them that way.
On April 20, the university celebrated its annual Beautiful U Day, even though the weather
wasn’t quite so gorgeous. Despite the rain, volunteers turned out to partake in a little spring cleaning and gardening, including picking up trash,
planting flowers and tidying up buildings. “We
still had hundreds and hundreds of volunteers,”
says coordinator Lori-Anne Williams. “People were
everywhere in the rain and mostly people still did
what they’d planned to do—it was great. I was excited that so many people wanted to be a part of it
in not-so-perfect weather.”
Since its inception in 1997, Beautiful U Day
has become an annual campus tradition that is held
on or near Earth Day and involves faculty, staff,
students, alumni and members of the surrounding
communities. Each year, volunteers come together
to clean, paint, plant, and “generally revitalize the
university.”
Beautiful U Day is a three-time Minneapolis
Committee on Urban Environment Award winner
for “innovative approaches to campus improvements” and is considered a success by those who
work for months to organize it. “It’s to celebrate
what we’ve already accomplished—we have made
the campus more beautiful,” says Williams. “I think
we’re taking better and better care of it.”
Many different student groups and organizations sponsored events in coordination with Beautiful U Day and offered their services as volunteers.
MPIRG handed out free reusable coffee mugs to
students outside Coffman. “The only condition for
students getting a mug was signing a pledge that
they would fill the mugs with fair trade products
whenever possible, and that they would work to
reduce their personal waste by using the mug as
opposed to repeatedly buying paper cups,” says
Andrew Thomas, MPIRG’s organizing intern.
One of the major goals of Beautiful U Day,
though, is encouraging students to try to beauti-
fy their environment more frequently than once
a year. While doing so might occasionally involve
picking up litter or washing windows, people can
make a more consistent impact by reducing their
“environmental footprints” with certain changes
in lifestyle. “Part of it is to raise awareness so that
people are thinking,” Williams says. “I think students need to think about what kind of footprint
they’re leaving. We can all become a little bit greener. I believe that what we can do is just to take little
steps until these things become habits.”
One way to develop these habits is to become active with other students on campus that
are working to encourage sustainable and environmentally-friendly lifestyles. “Cornercopia” is
a student-run “transitioning to organic” farm on
the St. Paul Campus that grows over a hundred
varieties of fruits and vegetables. It was started
in the spring of 2004 when students wanted to develop a place on campus to grow organic foods.
The student group What’s Up in Sustainable Agriculture received a Beautiful U Day grant to plant
perennial trees, shrubs and flowers on the student
farm as part of a design for a natural ecosystem.
The design includes plants that will grow well together—for instance, an apple tree might be used
as a trellis for a grapevine.
The farm also has a highly educational mission and it’s designed to get students as involved in
the process as possible. “It’s important to give students hands-on experience and it also teaches them
skills you need in the business world,” says Courtney Tchida, student programs coordinator for the
Minnesota Institute for Sustainable Agriculture. A
farm planning and growing class is offered during
spring semester and internships are available for
students during the growing season.
But it’s not just students who are working beyond Beautiful U Day. The university as an institution is working to create a more sustainable campus,
from teaching and research to waste management,
building design, and purchasing decisions. “All the
departments are working on different ways to be
more efficient,” Williams says. “We want to be a
greener university.”
For more information on the university’s sustainability mission, visit the Sustainability and U website at www.uservices.umn.edu/sustainableU. To get involved with the student farm, go to sof.coafes.umn.edu.
Voices
www.wakemag.org
Open Wide
Currently, there is still a fierce battle between
the new age liberals and the hyper-traditional conservatives. The most important events, in my mind,
surrounding the issue of oral sex, all show progress in the public acceptance of crotch-carousing
behaviors.
In modern-day South Africa, an ethnic group
You know what I love?
The book The Little Prince.
Multi-vitamins.
Big, rainy storms.
Cupcakes.
Yahtzee.
Oh, and I sure love sucking cock.
Well, I prefer to receive, but it was a good way
to start, eh?
Finals are the joyous time of year when you
have to finally begin to read your books and store
information, however, rarely are we allowed to
learn about things that are really important, like the
history of oral sex. So, for all your carpet munching
and dong dining needs, let me teach you something
you’ll really enjoy.
Oral sex has been considered deviant behavior
for centuries. Justifications for this prejudice include complaint that it wastes precious man-seed
and is unclean and unhygienic. Much of the dislike
of oral sex also arises from bias against homosexuals and homosexual practices. Despite this nasty
reputation, people have been giving, receiving and
talking about oral sex for centuries because, well,
nix wurdak
People have been giving,
receiveing and talking about
oral sex for centuries because,
well, who doesn’ t love oral sex?
who doesn’t love oral sex?
Though it is difficult to come by much written information about oral sex from the ages, it is
frequently seen throughout ancient sculpture and
drawing. Archeologists studying everyone from the
ancient Egyptians to the Mesopotamians (who, interestingly, used to same word for both “semen”
and “fresh water”) to classical European Renaissance art have found depictions of oral sex, largely
fellatio.
In ancient Roman society, oral sex was talked
about primarily in terms of power. For example, the
culture frowned upon a man who gave oral sex, as
it put him in a submissive position. However, it was
socially acceptable for him to receive oral sex, as
slaves and debtors were often on the “giving” end
of the deal. Though the act was presumably still
enjoyable, it was publicly practiced for reasons of
domination, not pleasure.
The Kama Sutra, which was written some time
around the fourth century A.D., and loaned to me
by my mother (yes, my mother) covers the topic
of oral sex with great detail, primarily, however,
as something done among eunuchs and “unchaste
women.” Though tips for techniques, referred to
in the book as mango-sucking and oral-churning,
are provided, the author presents sentiment that
this genre of sexual acts should not be practiced by
upstanding citizens, as it was traditionally considered an unclean deed. Women who were known to
frequently give oral sex were considered undesirable for marriage.
During the Renaissance era, public admittance
and discussion of oral sex was nearly abolished
thanks to some handy craftwork by the Catholics
and Jews. Religious elite publicly and strongly con-
7
jeremy sengly
demned any and all sexual acts that were not conducted with the specific intention of procreation. A
frequently cited biblical passage related the story
of Onan, who was murdered by God for wasting
his juice and not impregnating his dead brother’s
wife; apparently, Onan practiced the ever-faithful
contraception method of pulling out.
In defense of oral sex, as justified by the Bible,
I feel it necessary to include a quote from the Song
of Solomon, “Like an apple tree among the trees of
the forest, so is my beloved among the young men.
In his shade I took great delight and sat down and
his fruit was sweet to my taste.” Though I’d argue with the fruit being ‘sweet,’ I think it’s a nice
sentiment.
The curators at the British Museum of Art were
so taken with Puritan ways that they decided to
do away with the presence of penises on the male
sculptures. The effects of this artistic emasculation
are still found in the museum, though the removed
genitalia are still in existence, carefully stored in a
drawer on location to be used solely for masturbatory purposes by the interested museum staff. Just
kidding. Well, maybe.
called the Malays hold it as a sign of beauty for a
female to lack her 8 front-most teeth. This perfectly
sized gap is popular because it is known to facilitate
fellatio, which is the primary method of contraception for the people.
In 1998 in a Houston suburb, John Lawrence
and Tyron Garner were caught in the midst of an
anal love fest by Texas police officers responding
to a (false) tip that there was a “weapons disturbance” in the apartment. Though the only weapon
being used was a rock-hard cock and the only ammunition some creamy cum, the police officers arrested the two men on charges related to the state’s
anti-homosexuality law. In 2003, the U.S. Supreme
Court rendered a verdict on the case. By a 6-3 ruling, the justices found that Lawrence and Garner
did not violate any constitutionally sound law. With
this decision, the court overturned any state laws
that penalized sodomy. In addition, the implications of Lawrence v. Texas also protect an individual’s right to participate in acts of oral sex.
Another significant event in oral history happened just over a year ago, on April 1, 2005. In
Nashville, Tennessee, porn star Summer Nyte set a
new world record by giving head until ejaculation
to 249 men in a 14 hour period. If you do the math,
this equates to just over 3 minutes per man and
more than two pop-cans’ worth of cum. The oral
event was filmed and sold as The World’s Largest
Blow Bang. I downloaded a bit of the video and,
honestly, it became very boring very quickly. I did,
however, develop a serious craving for bananas. Ms.
Nyte is apparently eager for a sequel.
Recently produced literary works referring to
oral sex are largely more supportive of the hobby,
as is evidenced in the piece “Put it in Your Mouth”
by lyrical master Akinyele.
Now you can lick it, you can sip it, you can
taste it. I’m talkin every drip-drop, don’t you waste
it. Baby, slurp it up, its enough to fill your cup,
it’s finger lickin’ good and I’m wishin’ it would go
down kinda slow or even fast. I’m always sprung
once I feel your tongue in the crack of my ass, just
eatin’ me-nigga, goin’ out like that boy you pack
such a tasty treat and you can eat me out, but put
it in your my mouth.
Wow. There is nothing I can say to top that.
So, yes, put it in your mouth and enjoy your finals.
Nix Wurdak is a Voices columnist and welcomes your comments at [email protected].
8
Athletics
May 3, 2006
The End of
Shhhhh Award:
Gopher’s Dance Team
Every semester there is a certain team that does
something unbelievable and completely under the
radar. It appears the Gopher dance team has done
it four years in a row. With a fourth straight national championship this year, Minnesota’s dance
team is a dancing dynasty. Maybe a fifth consecutive national title will give these ladies the recognition they deserve.
Sorriest Super
Bowl Ever Award:
Super Bowl XL
The spectacle of bad officiating, horrible football and a disturbing halftime show featuring 94
year-old Mick Jagger shake like a crack addict does
not make for good entertainment. The Super Bowl
is supposed to be the climax of the NFL season.
Instead we watched Detroit-darling Jerome Bettis
fail to run in a one-yard touchdown, Jerramy Stevens drop three balls and Troy Polamalu screw up
multiple coverages. Even Super Bowl MVP Hines
Ward dropped two passes, including one in the
end zone. Despite the bad football, the officiating
may have been worse. A phantom holding call on
Matt Hasselbeck at a critical point in the game was
downright mysterious. The only good story from the
Super Bowl was Hines Ward getting the chance to
judge this year’s Miss America pageant. Bastard.
Most Innocent Man
Alive Award:
Barry Bonds
There is no way this gentle, fun-loving teammate took steroids. Everyone loves him (just ask
Jeff Kent). And finally we have proof to dispel these
fictitious steroid rumors: Bonds wore a “Say No
To Drugs” wristband in 1987 as a member of the
Pittsburgh Pirates. This means that Bonds would
never knowingly take steroids. Remember, Bonds
has never failed a drug test and even his lawyer
says he is not guilty. For authentic, unbiased information about Bonds visit his website where the
truth about Bonds is revealed in his journal. It is
obvious by the number of fans supporting him on
the website and all the smiling pictures, that he is a
peaceful man who would never, ever take steroids.
Of course, we could be wrong.
Rising Senior Star
Award:
Vincent Grier
Men’s Basketball
This senior athlete has mad skills. Grier may
have not lived up to expectations created by his AllBig Ten 2004-05 season. However, the Charlotte,
N.C. native was able to finish his senior season with
the Gophers on a high note.
Last year Grier dazzled many Minnesota basketball fans with his assortment of rim-rattling
dunks and team-leading 17.9 points per game. The
6-foot-5 guard/forward’s success led Minnesota to
a 21-11 (10-6 Big Ten) record and an NCAA tournament appearance last season. This year, Grier
suffered through an early season injury (a broken
bone in his shooting hand) and a losing season in
conference play.
Grier’s Gophers finished its season at 16-15
(5-11 Big Ten), but individually he flourished toward season’s end. On March 15, Grier thrilled
the Williams-Arena faithful with his final home
performance, leading all players in points (18) and
assists (8), while pulling down seven rebounds in
Minnesota’s 73-58 NIT win over Wake Forest. Grier
followed that performance with an 18-point, 8-rebound effort in Minnesota’s 76-62 loss to Cincinnati
— his final game as a Gopher.
What the Hell
Happened Award:
Gopher Women’s Basketball
How do you lose five players in two weeks? Is
Pam Borton really that scary? We may never know
the answers to these questions, but one thing is certain: The women’s basketball team is in shambles.
After losing Jamie Broback, Liz Podominick, Natasha Williams, Lauren Lacey and Britney Davis,
the Gophers will need a miracle to reach the NCAA
tournament next season. At least ex-Gopher coach
Brenda Frese is also struggling to revitalize Maryland’s basketball program. Oh wait, they won the
National Championship this year. Never mind.
Athletics
www.wakemag.org
9
Semester Awards
By brian tolentino, Jeff Barthel and Tyler Rushmeyer
Most Improved
Gopher Award:
Kelly Roysland
Women’s Basketball
This third-year Gopher played both backcourt
positions (point and shooting guard) and served her
team as either a starter or Minnesota’s top bench
option.
Roysland, a junior from Fosston, Minn., earned
a career-high in points this season. She scored 257
total points, including an 8.9 per-game average —
both of which ranked second on the team. Roysland
absolutely blazed-up Big Ten three-point arcs this
season, making 51.2 percent (21-41) of her threepointers in conference play. Kelly also led Minnesota in overall three-point shooting (30-69, 43.5
percent) and in free throws, converting 77 of 93
attempts.
One final note: On March 18, in her team’s last
game of the season — an NCAA tournament game
vs. Washington — Roysland led all scorers with a
career-high 23 points.
Chariots of Gold
Award:
Heather Dorniden
Women’s Track and Field
The nation’s top female runner is a freshman
from Minnesota. As odd as that sounds it may very
well be true.
Dorniden, a freshman from Inver Grove
Heights, Minn. (Rosemount High School), won the
NCAA national title at this year’s indoor championships in Fayetteville, Ark. She won this title in the
800-meter competition by running it in 2 minutes
and 5.64 seconds. Dorniden’s performance was also
the first national title to ever be accomplished by a
Minnesota runner.
In Dorniden’s outdoor season, the freshman
phenom obliterated a U of M record in a meet at
the University of Georgia April 8. Dorniden ran 800
meters in 2 minutes and 3.81 seconds. The Minnesota 800-meter record previously belonged to Ann
Lundin (two minutes, 7.71 seconds in 1985).
Look for Dorniden to break more records this
June at the national outdoor championships in Sacramento, Calif.
Upcoming Events
05/03 • Softball vs. North Dakota State
Jane Sage Cowles Stadium, 4pm
05/05 • Men’s and Women’s TrackMinnesota Throws
Bierman Track Complex, 3:30am
05/05 • Men’s and Women’s Track - Meet of
the Unsaintly
St. paul, minn. - Hamline university, 3:30pm
Former National Champion and Heisman Hopeful
Most Likely to be Sleeping on Your Front Lawn:
After leading Ohio State to the 2002 national
championship his freshman year, Clarett was suspended from the university and denied the right to
declare for the NFL draft in 2003. He remained unemployed until he was somehow drafted by Denver
in 2005. In camp, Clarett was hideously overweight,
injured frequently and was found drinking alcohol
in the team’s training facility. He was quickly released. Now millions of dollars in debt from legal
Maurice Clarett
fees, Clarett has made the logical decision to turn
to crime. He has been charged with a total of nine
counts of criminal acts, but is currently a free man
out on bail until his trial begins. So at your next
party, watch out for the guy that can’t afford the $5
keg cup and whips out a gun demanding liquor. The
next morning, Maurice Clarett may just be sleeping
on your front lawn.
05/06 • Softball vs. South Dakota State
jane sage cowles stadium, 2pm
05/07 • Softball vs. South Dakota State
jane sage cowles stadium, 12pm
10
Sound&Vision
May 3, 2006
eric price
Soul Position Proves
Things Really Are Better
with RJ and Al
Sound & Vision
www.wakemag.org
By kristen mueller
Rows of blinking lights illuminate a rectangular sign advertising the Triple Rock Social Club’s
entrance. Underneath, a large, goateed bouncer
guards the West Bank bar’s door, while inside a 21plus crowd downs Amstel Lights and mixed drinks
before lumbering outside to join the (mostly) underage crowd leaning against the entrance to the
Triple Rock’s concert venue next door.
Tyler Likkel, a 22-year-old Augsburg student
and rapper heads the line. Earmuff-like headphones
blast the Beastie Boys from a plastic-wrapped iPod
in his shorts pocket as he paces back and forth, impatient to get inside.
By the time the club’s door opens at 9:15 p.m.
(15 minutes after they were slated to unlock), the
sidewalk is lost under a jumble of young adults that
stretches several blocks down Cedar Avenue, all
waiting for the chance to catch Soul Position and
One Be Low (a.k.a. OneManArmy) lay down tracks
on a Wednesday night.
“I didn’t know Soul Position existed until a
few weeks ago,” Likkel says. But judging by the
crowd, soon packed shoulder to shoulder inside,
and several sold-out shows at earlier stops on the
duo’s 32-city tour, there are plenty of fans willing
to throw down 10 bucks for a performance promoting the April 4 release of Soul Position’s sophomore
CD, Things Go Better with RJ and Al.
If you’re not familiar with the group, don’t let
the disc’s cover art—a two-tone picture featuring a
pair of crinkly-skinned white guys shaking hands—
fool you. The twosome is actually fronted by the decades-younger RJ (RJD2) and Al (Blueprint).
RJ is a celebrated producer whose roster of
singles and CDs stretches as long as an unraveled
fruit-by-the-foot, and includes collaborations with
Aceyalone, Massive Attack, and PolyphonicSpree.
Al has held it down as producer and rapper on his
’04 and ’05 records, “Chamber Music” and “1988,”
as well as opening for Atmosphere at First Avenue
in mid-November last year. Together, the super-duo
has been hailed as “… two of the most talented artists making rap music today.”
On the surface RJ and Al’s pairing seems slightly off, like spying an elderly couple head-banging
among a crowd of college students. RJ bobs behind
Al on stage, alternately scratching albums and flipping switches on the turn-tables to release danceclub worthy tunes laden with old-school samples,
while Al’s slick rhymes extol everything from the
perils of tossing back Jager; “Every now and then I
go out to the club and wake up with a girl who look
like Dave Letterman,” (“Blame It On the Jager”), to
dating advice for his niece; “You don’t need a kid.
You need a paper route,” (“Priceless”).
The common denominator between the day
and night twosome (besides talent) is their attitude. From the get-go, it’s clear by the warm smiles
dancing across their faces that they’re both having
fun—making it impossible for the hoodie-and-Tshirt-clad crowd to stand still. It’s an especially impressive feat considering this is their second show
of the night, after dazzling an all-ages crowd at
Fifth Element, the Rhymesayers Entertainment
hip-hop shop in Uptown.
Although Soul Position promises “no gimmicks” on their best-selling album’s second track,
the night was chalk full of them—from their matching button-up worker shirts with “RJ” and “Al”
name patches in the upper left corner, to shaking
water onto the crowd during an encore of “Unlimited,” when the lyrics call for “Throw(ing) water
on the crowd if the show gets too hot.”
And then there’s Mo’ Buttons. After RJ sneaks
backstage during “Hand Me Downs,” Al spits his
technology rant into the mic. “Technology is taking over,” he says. “It’s like the technology arms
race…Got your flip-top phone, Blackberry, Sidekick. Yo, you didn’t even like that shit ‘til you saw
my shit.” Which is when RJ reappears as his alter-ego Mo’ Buttons, in a throw-back to the days
of foot-long cell phones (think Zach Morris) and
room-size computers.
Decked out in a long-sleeve tee covered in, yep,
buttons, with the words “MO BUTTONS IN THIS
BITCH,” stamped in black block letters on the back,
a big rectangular box covered in smaller geometric
buttons strapped on his chest, and a swiveling button pad attached to his head, obscuring his face,
Mo’ dances a jig while spouting organ-like tunes
from the machine on his chest.
“I don’t think they were ready for Mo’ Buttons,” Al says with a laugh.
Next the lights dim, and Al tells the audience,
“Reach into the pocket at your hip. Pull out your
cell phone. No one’s gonna steal it,” he continues.
“We all got one. We don’t even answer our own
shit.” A few hundred phones glowing white and
blue lift towards the ceiling, the twenty-first century equivalent of lighters swaying in the air, as
“I Need My Minutes,” an ode to Verizon Wireless,
pumps forth.
Center stage, Mo’ keeps dancing up a storm;
leaning to the left, than right; stepping back; and
raising his arms in the air. “What you just witnessed
was the minutes dance,” Al explains. “We’re teaching it one city at a time,” he adds, before the crowd
attempts to sway in unison to a chorus of, “I need
my minutes (slide left); I need my minutes (slide
right); back up off my minutes (roll back); raise up
off my minutes (arms up).”
After a two-song encore, RJ and Al head
straight for the makeshift merch tables, where fans
thrust posters and t-shirts forth to be stamped by
the pair’s signatures. “My boyfriend loves you. Can
you make it out to Rocky?” a girl asks RJ, while a
guy slaps Al’s hand.
By the time the hyped-up crowd disperses into
the night, it’s apparent. Gimmicks or not, things
really are better with RJ and Al.
Ra
ch
el
La
bi
ne
11
12
Sound & Vision
May 3, 2006
Album Reviews
Drive-by Truckers:
A Blessing and a
Curse
By michael mitchell
The Drive-by Truckers win two awards in
my book: first, they’ve got the funniest name I’ve
ever heard, and second, they’re the only contemporary “southern rock” band that doesn’t make
me cringe.
The key to the Truckers’ success is sincerity—
I believe every word that singer Patterson Hood
says. The same goes for Mike Cooley and Jason Isbell. That’s right, there are three songwriters in
this group. And while a southern rock band with
three singers sounds like a recipe for disaster, this
Athens, Georgia band makes it work.
A Blessing and a Curse, the band’s latest release, finds the Drive-by Truckers continuing to
craft their time tested, hard-rocking alt-country
skills. As usual, the songs are full of melancholy and
devastation, distorted guitars and twangy vocals.
Tracks like “Feb. 14,” the CDs opener, have pop
hooks that sound ready for radio while never compromising the style this band is known for.
The sound of A Blessing and a Curse is incredible. Mixing veteran mixer John Agnello manages to
balance the massive sound created by this five-piece
while maintaining something of a live feel.
As the summer rapidly approaches, everyone
needs to find that loud, rowdy album that will get
them through the warm months ahead. Luckily,
the Drive-by Truckers’ A Blessing and a Curse has
arrived just in time.
The Drive-by Truckers will be at First Avenue on May 17.
Calexico: Garden
Ruin
Pretty Girls Make
Graves: Élan Vital
By haily gostas
By brian kushida
Even Calexico’s most loyal fans are likely to
be thrown off-guard by the eclectic duo’s latest
album Garden Ruin (Quarter Stick). Previously
trademarked by an oddly striking blend of folk,
mariachi and jazz, Calexico have chipped away
at their distinctiveness and emerged with a new
sound best described as, well, ‘rock.’ Maybe even
‘watered-down alt-country’ at times.
At first, I desperately wanted to retreat back to
the sensual outlaw flamenco that was 2003’s Feast
Of Wire. But though their change was initially unsettling, it was still intriguing enough to inspire
the second, third and even sixth listen that proved
redeemable.
Right away I noticed that Garden Ruin is
Calexico’s first album free of their lush instrumental tracks, shifting from a once-familiar delicacy
into the sinister minor-key opener “Cruel.” There
is also now a bigger emphasis on frontman Joey
Burns’ elegant voice, but it is slightly smothered
and takes a few songs before he learns to convincingly overpower the empty space left in lieu of these
adjustments in instrumentation.
And things certainly do heat up eventually.
“Roka (Danza de la Muerte)” has an irresistibly
sexy Spanish chorus and that ol’ Calexico feel.
“Lucky Dime” is equally catchy and smooth, with
addicting chord progressions and beautifully layered call and response vocals.
This time around, however, there is less emphasis on elaborate arrangements and instead an
intense focus on underlying themes. Garden Ruin is
a very real, emotionally raw record that ultimately
impresses if given the chance. When the arrestingly
epic final track “All Systems Red” swells from quiet
to loud with heavy-hearted lyrics like, “Watching a
horse running down its last legs / when you think
it couldn’t get much worse / the numbers rise on
the death toll,” you’ll trust Calexico to take you
anywhere.
Recording an album using Italian and Latin
phrases paired with references to Eastern European mythology and geography is quite an ambitious project for an American band. Pretty Girls
Make Graves has done just that with Élan Vital,
while still maintaining the sound that put them
on the map.
Incorporating trumpets, saxophone, drum programming, piano and even whistles on Élan Vital,
Pretty Girls Make Graves prove their multiple talents aren’t limited to their respective instruments.
In fact, if the quintet’s instrumental repertoire were
to be classified on a Terror-Alert chart, this album
might very well put them at a threatening yellow.
After guitarist Nate Thelen left Pretty Girls
Make Graves a few years back, it seemed as though
a major player would be taken out of the band’s
two-guitar volley dynamic. His absence in Élan Vital is duly forgotten by new member Leona Marrs.
Demonstrating she isn’t a substitution for Thelen
but rather a noteworthy addition, Marrs provides
keyboards, accordion, piano, melodica and a little
bit of backup vocals to complement lead singer Andrea Zollo.
Highlights of Élan Vital include the mystic
“Selling The Wind,” the sorrowed keyboards concluding “Pearls On a Plate,” and guitar riff-happy
“Wildcat.” The strongest song of the album, “Pictures Of a Night Scene,” ironically doesn’t sound
like Pretty Girls Make Graves at all; it is sung entirely by bassist Derek Fudesco instead of Zollo.
Pretty Girls Make Graves has certainly developed an approach to songwriting to create one of
the biggest surprises of 2006. And when they come
to the Twin Cities in May, don’t forget to pick up a
copy of Élan Vital. After all, they do have the best
band name in music, if not the most true.
Pretty Girls Make Graves will be at the Triple Rock Social
Club on May 3.
Literary
www.wakemag.org
The house in front of us was about the size of
a two-car garage. “This is Nick’s brother’s house
right?” I question Aaron not wanting to walk into
some random house. “Of course,” Aaron said, following Nick up the incredibly small flight of stairs.
Nick turned the knob, and we all walked in awkwardly. We got a few glances since we were the
odd men out. The room was filled with the smell
of alcohol and fun. It was packed to the brim with
people; we knew none of them. All of these students
graduated at least a year before us, and all went to
rival schools of ours. None of them knew Aaron or
me so we decided to make up fake backgrounds for
ourselves just to make things entertaining.
Nick headed for the keg and Aaron and I were
left in a lurch; we decided to sit down and take it
all in. The first people that we saw happened to be
a sexy nurse and something I would like to call a
mermaid. The nurse was wearing the cliché tight
fitting short-skirted ensemble and the mermaid was
covered from the waist down in green scales and
a top thing of some sort. “So are you guys from
Saint Paul too?” they started questioning. “Yeah
we are.” This was the only thing truthful coming
out of our mouths. “Oh cool, so what year did you
guys graduate.” Aaron and I looked at each other
and both said completely different numbers. It was
a combination of 2003 and 2002 they didn’t really
seem to catch our folly.
The conversation got worse from there. We continued and one thing led to another and soon Aaron
and I both went to a private Catholic school, instead of our ugly, run-down, jail of a public school.
We said we knew about five of the girls’ friends or
cousins that went there, every name they would
mention we immediately said we knew them. This
wasn’t done as way to be mean or manipulative; we
just realized we would never see these people again
and found this funny.
As our conversation continued, a large fratlooking guy came into the room announcing: “Everyone, we’re heading out to State Street in a few
minutes.” Just coming from that swarm of drunken chaos to get to this toy box house, I was ready
to take another pilgrimage. As the sexy nurse and
the mermaid found their sexy cop friend, a strange
new face came out of the kitchen. He walked with
a presence that was felt through the house and his
attire demanded his name to be spoken—Jesus. He
wore a dingy white robe that looked as though it
had been used as the mat next to the bath tub. With
his long, brown hair that was greasy and stringy
and his robe, the whole combo all preached, “How
I look isn’t important, but my message is.”
I felt that my three-man party, consisting of
Aaron, Nick, and myself, wasn’t up to par with our
dress. Aaron and I were recently divorced Mario
and Luigi, with blazers, original white gloves, green
and red hats and recently shaven mustaches. (Madisonians were not happy with our lack of commitment to character.) But Nick was the best dressed
of all of us. He was in a large Sponge Bob Square
Pants child’s costume with a blue hood and rather
rough facial hair. Donning a lit cigarette always
seconds from falling from his mouth, he looked as
if Nickelodeon had just given him his pink slip that
morning. Despite this small obstacle, or asset, depending on your view, I knew Jesus would accept
us for who we were as people.
Everyone walked out of the house leaving the
door wide open. There were about seven or eight
of us in total and Jesus showed us the way to State
Street. After passing the Romanesque police that
lined the only passage to the street, we found ourselves in front a sea of intoxicated college students.
Everywhere you looked there were more sexy nurses and more Mario and Luigi look-a-likes. With
the decision of right or left, we all chose right as a
13
A
Halloween
Messiah
by Alex Brown
group and ventured cautiously into the churning
mass of characters. Everyone was having a good
time because it is always fun to yell for no reason at random people you don’t know and the only
reason you can connect to them is through the fact
you recognize who they are dressed like. Like “Batman! Yes high five!” or “There’s Waldo. I found
him; he was peeing by the bookstore!” With our
group being led by the most popular man among
college students, the J.C. himself, and his sidekick
of a down-on-his-luck Sponge Bob, we couldn’t go
wrong, or could we?
This continued for what I would say felt like
about 15 minutes. Once we were all starting to get
tired of walking the group pulled off the main street
to talk about heading back. The big frat guy said,
“Let’s head back. We still a whole keg to finish”
Looking around I felt like something was missing.
There was a whole; our chain had been broken.
We had lost Jesus; he was still on State Street. So
many visions ran though my head even though we
had just met. I felt I owed him. “I’m going back for
him! Who’s coming with me!” without waiting, I
dashed back onto the street. Mario was the only one
I had seen following me back in to the Hell from
which we had just come. (I mean Hell in the best
way possible.) As we kept walking, some areas of
the street were so crowed with costumed freaks that
there wasn’t enough room to move. Every step and
every shout of “Jesus, Jesus Christ?” made me feel
that much closer to finding him. All I could do was
imagine him spreading his vision of the best Halloween ever; it brought a tear to my eye that amidst
his exile he would still be working towards helping
the cause. As our journey pushed on through the slurry
of people, it seemed no matter how fast we went
it looked as if Jesus was just out of our reach. We
were nearing the end of State Street and still no
sign of him. We were asking people if they had seen
him and one kid responded, “Yeah, Jesus just got
arrested. They put him in a squad car.” “THEY
PUT HIM IN A SQUAD CAR!” He had been busted
Aaron Ridgeway
for public intoxication. I thought it’s not his fault
his blood consists entirely of wine. My heart sank
and a feeling of dread flowed over me like a white
sheet hung to dry on clothesline on a warm summer
day. Not wanting to believe this, I asked the kid:
“What did you Jesus look like? Was he short?” The
kid said no. He said no. That’s all I needed to hear.
I knew my savior wouldn’t desert me like that. At
the same time my head became confused with the
thought of more than one Jesus, but obviously the
other was an evil fake. With only hope left in our
hearts and no more streets to conquer, we headed
back to the refuge of the disheveled Sponge Bob’s
brother’s house.
We got back and waited, Aaron and I went to
the small porch and took the chairs down to the
lawn and started our wait, only to see drunk after
drunk walk by. No sign of Jesus, but then in the
mist and coming from the totally opposite direction,
our friend came. Aaron and I leapt from our seats
to meet him. “Jesus! You will never guess what
happened.” We regaled him with the story. With
a smile and a calm tone he left and cried with our
struggles and was appreciative. Once our hold on
him had loosened, he walked into the house. Aaron
and I stayed outside and just listened to the screams
that arose from his return. Recently resurrected, his
first order of business was to change his wine from
ordinary wine into wine in a glass. All Aaron and
I could do was smile and know everything worked
out and our messiah of Halloween was fine.
Editor’s Note
In this finals issue you will find a fiction
story by Alex Brown, who was the winner of
a fiction contest that David Lassett helped
me put together. I hope Brown’s story will
give everyone a chance to escape from the
frustration of tests and papers. But before
I end my last note, I would like to thank the
readers of the literary section. It has been
an honor serving your narrative needs.
Kim Gengler
Literary Editor
14
Bastard
May 3, 2006
Best of the Arbitrary Awards
Most dynamic professor
Professor Dynamo
Nicest thing to say to a nazi
“I disagree with your values, good
sir.”
Best of the want ads
WANTED: To break the Guinness
WANTED: Bird flu… I mean bird
stew. Why would I want the bird flu? world record for longest fingernails.
I don’t really want to have the record
That’s just silly.
so much as I want to freak the shit
WANTED: An ice cream machine
out of people.
that dispenses insults instead of ice
cream.
WANTED: A better understanding of
how gravity works. “Because God
WANTED: Killer bees that are really said so,” is not a satisfactory answer
big, like the size of a cell phone,
to my questions.
but they don’t actually kill, and are
really nice, and could be kept as
WANTED: Poisonous words, so
pets. I bet you scare the shit out of people will be forced to think twice
a lot of little kids with a swarm of
before they say “sticks and stones
those things.
may break my bones, but words will
never hurt me.”
WANTED: A cell phone that doesn’t
need a battery charger, because it
WANTED: Bon Jovi. Dead or alive.
won’t rely on batteries, but rather
a complex system of pulleys…
The pulleys, however, will need a
charger.
Least polite way to say goodbye
“You smell like a rotting skunk
carcass and I hope I never have to
see you again, ‘cause I’ll probably
vomit if I do.”
least sexiest underwear for valentines day
Shit-stained skunk skin
stupidest way to talk
Like that guy who thinks he knows
everything, but he doesn’t...no sir,
he doesn’t
Youngest grandfather
Cody Smithsithson, 10 years old...
don’t ask, it’s very complicated
and involves several lunch breaks
least common thing to overhear
when walking by the river
“The Mississippi sure looks pristine. Let’s stop and have a sip of
the crystal clear water.”
WEBSITE OF THE ISSUE
http://www.marriedtothesea.com/021506/booze-time.jpg
Best excuse for running around in
the rain
“I need to get all this vomit out of
my hair.”
best kind of cop
Copping a feel
Worst rock
Third Rock from the Sun...that
show sucked
Bastard
www.wakemag.org
alex judkins
alex judkins
hilary falk
15
Can you find all 13 Wakies hiding in this picture?
Connect the Dots
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
Color by Number
1
Backtalk
www.wakemag.org
Dear Dr. Douche,
I have a problem here. It seems that
I have contracted a pretty bad case of
syphilis, and let me tell you, it is quite
irritating.
My problem is, I have had over 35
partners in the last two weeks of crazy
partying at Alpha Chi Omega, many of
whom I don’t even remember, and all of
whom do not remember me (thank god
for roofies, amirite?).
I know the right thing to do is contact
everyone I’ve had sex with, in case I am
responsible for frothy, greenish-yellow
discharge slowly foaming from their penis and/or vagina. However, how am I
supposed to contact someone if I never
got their name or number?
Please let me know what I should do. I
don’t want to be “that guy” who doesn’t
call after giving you The Drip, you know?
Thanks for the help.
—Burns while I pee
15
Dear Burns while I pee,
I’m no doctor, but I think syphilis is
curable. So if you can’t remember everyone you’ve slept with, it’s OK. They will
eventually figure it out, and get treatment
before it turns into “insanity, blindness,
or paralysis” (pfft, who’s “Mayo” and
what does he know, anyway?). You just
worry about getting healthy, my brotha.
Also, I’m no doctor, but this column is
a fucking joke.
—Dr. Douche
Dear Dr. Douche,
It doesn’t fit. Help!
—Wrong Hole Murphy
Dear Wrong Hole Murphy,
Use a safety pin to poke a small hole in
the tips of all your condoms. I’m no doctor, but the increased airflow is exactly
what the doctor that I am not ordered.
—Dr. Douche
14
Literary
May 3, 2006
True Love
By Dick Fritter
miranda peterson
alex judkins
The Gold Fish
By Cee Cee (I want to kill myself) Larkin
My gold fish swims
And skims the waters
Of his fishbowl.
He makes faces at me
While I pee because
He lives in the bathroom.
Sometimes he lies
On the bottom of his
Bowl real low
Pretending to be dead.
But he’s really overfed
And big time lazy.
But one day when
I changed the water
He jumped out
AND COMMITED SUICIDE!
THAT STUPID FUCK FACE
FISH THAT NEVER LOVED
ME THE RIGHT WAY!
Asinine
By Mel Landers
She stands astride, begging me to pass through
To come inside, to show me the truth
Her lust is her mind, everything she ever knew
With guttural moans she invites, begs me to do
(,what,)
While on her back she lies, prepares for me to
She fluffs, I stuff, we flex and stretch.
Rough and tough.
Our love is a battlefield.
I get pushed out, she screams out
Next.
I want to leave a kiss
On your moist cleavage
Because there’s no way I could piss
Away my chance at your beaverage.
Longing for your lips,
I think of your gyrating hips
And how much it would mean
For me not to be seen
While I watch you change
Outside your window.
I dream of the day
When I can lay
Next to you and eat
A bloody steak so sweet
That you and I share.
I can only compare
This vision
With the ass bang I got in prison.
Now that’s true love!
Death
By Xavier Slade III
I feel my pain
Like a needle in the soul.
Prinks and points in my being.
I feel my pain
As death creeps into my bed
Where we lay, mourning
Our broken relationship
That was dashed to pieces
When you cut me your words.
I feel my pain
At the bottom of a bottle.
I drank it at dawn on the subway
As I rode away from you.
The pain is so overwhelming
I can to cry in public
But I can’t because I am a man
And I should not even be writing
Poetry because if anyone found out
I would be called gay.
Maybe that’s what
My pain is really about?
If only I had a vagina.
French Roast and
Fall – Translation
Reflection
By Seth Simons
I put out my cigarette on the bus door, spewing
my own poison out, and inhaling the toxic fumes
outside, and think of the pollution now filling my
lungs. I chastize corporate America internally,
silently: Crying, “Swine, give me a chance to
taste my own life. My love. My essence.” Digressing, my foot swings me up onto the bus.
I thought of her when I saw him. Coughing,
stinking, fidgeting. I want to hold him as I held
her, but I do not want to make the same mistake
again. Ambiguity aside, I sit across from him,
watching his moves.
He speaks in tongues; the Heavenly words I
sought to hear from her so often. She would not
even perform this simple act for me—she said she
was blessed once, by me, by the gift of my mere
presence. Her lies lie encrypted in her tongues. I,
her interpreter, am a reflection and reminder of
her falsities.
The man’s face reflects in the darkened midnight
glass, a public mirror for passersby to see him
and wonder, “Is his face mine? Am I him?” I can
see him, also, but I see him from my seat, and I
can smell him, his scent wafting into my nostrils.
The smell is reminiscent of her—fish mixed with
cigarettes and intimacy: My security. Blood
rushes to my cheeks and I slide myself towards
the edge of my seat, hoping to put a hand on his
shoulder and slide my finger down, playing back
his tune like a needle on a turntable.
He pulls away, though. Chanting his noble tune,
he pushes the red lever by the window, shoves the
glass, and rolls onto the street with a quiet thud.
I will not miss him, now. He did exactly what she
did, what she was always good at: Abandoning.
Voices
www.wakemag.org
13
Number of Shields Sold per Year
Your Protection, My Protection and the Federal Shield Law
A concerned CSOM student speaks out
Mr. moneybags
I am deeply troubled. Every morning I wake
up, I make my coffee, I loosen my tie, and I am
soothed by the cadence of CNN’s broadcast. Between stock trades, I hear them talking: Oil prices
are rising, the former Enron guys are on trial, the
Dow is up—wait, no, now it’s down. Scratch that,
it’s gone back up again.
These are the pivotal news items of our time!
However, one less prominent issue has captured
my attention: The debate surrounding the Federal
Shield Law. I am shocked that this debate has even
come to the table. It has me so upset that anyone
would oppose such an obvious and necessary law.
As a Carlson School of Management student,
and a participating citizen of this country, I feel it
is my duty to stay well educated on issues like this.
This country wants, nay, needs a Federal Shield
Law. Ordinary citizens like you and me require its
protection. We are vulnerable, and a change must
be made.
Truth be told, I would voluntarily carry around
a shield. A big, shiny one; perhaps with a custom,
engraved crest! Shield manufacturers around the
country have been in a bit of a rut, however. The
market for shields has severely declined (see Figure
1) since the 16th century. Sales figures are dwindling and most, if not all, shield manufacturers have
closed their doors.
Suffice it to say, I’ve been unable to purchase
my shield. And, boy, do I need it. Conceal-and-carry? What is that? I need a bloody shield.
I envision the shield as the next big accessory
fad. Personal protection aside, nothing will look
better next to your cell phone and PDA than a bigass, gold-plated shield with rivets and a chain mail
sleeve.
Not only is it our right, as American citizens, to
Personal protection aside,
nothing will look better next to
your cell phone and PDA than a
big-ass, gold plated shield with
rivets and a chain mail sleeve.
carry shields; Federal law should mandate it. This
would not only afford you and I the protection we
need, but it would also revitalize an historic and
vital industry.
The American government, since its early days,
has largely ignored the shield industry and it’s high
time we put a stop to that. A federal law mandating shields is just what the industry needs to get
back on its feet—that and perhaps some subsidies
to create synergies with steel producers.
Once this industry has regained its footing, it
can give a leg-up to the longsword industry: another excellent source of commerce being completely ignored. Yes, cell phones, PDAs, shields,
longswords and bouts of jousting: just what this
country needs.
Finally, I would like to applaud the journalism community in this nation for giving particular
attention to this obscure topic. I’ve noticed many
journalists taking an impassioned stance on this issue and I think it’s marvelous. Journalists obviously
have a sense of their need for personal protection,
and great sympathy for an embattled industry.
Certainly, you’ll agree this issue needs to be addressed. Write your Congress representatives! Call
MPIRG! Get involved! We need a Federal Shield
Law today!
Andy Tyra is a concerned Carlson School of Management
Student and is also the president of the International Coalition of Shield Manufacturers (ICSM).
12
Sound & Vision
May 3, 2006
One-Eyed Sculptor Compensates for Lack of Depth Perception
By marcelle simone
“People just don’t understand. If everyone
would just close one eye for one day, maybe then
they would fully realize the 2-D hell that I inhabit,”
sculptor Edmund Auch laments. A single stream of
tears rolls down his right cheek.
“I’m sorry, you’ll have to excuse me. Sometimes
I say stupid things on account of the eye.”
Auch is a true inspiration. Rejecting what society has deemed appropriate one-eyed careers (like
pirate or ruggedly handsome soap opera star), Auch
has decided to tackle his lack of depth perception
head-on.
“I try to look at the bright side. I see this void
in my head not as a disability, but rather a gift
that has provided me with an entirely unique artistic perspective. I save a lot of money on contact
lenses and Visine, and I’m at a 50 percent lower
risk of developing an eye tumor. I bet that would
be horrible...”
Auch’s asymmetrical face twists in uncomfortable remorse as he recalls that fateful day when he
and “lefty” parted ways. “I was 10, full of 10-yearold dreams of hitting the next home run in the big
game.” But after a freak accident with a Red Ryder
BB gun, Auch’s batting average was soon dwarfed
by the average number of times he “whiffed it.”
But Auch was not easily defeated by his inability
to gauge distance and momentum. With a seldomparalleled bravery, Auch picked up the pieces of
his broken field of dreams and reassembled them,
defying all odds to pursue one of the world’s most
three-dimensional of disciplines: sculpture.
Auch went on to describe his triumph over
monoscopic vision in the world of 3-D art in moving detail, but unfortunately I folded that portion
of the interview into a paper airplane. He totally
didn’t see it coming.
Dave Hagen
Kid Rock Concert Cures Local Teen’s Seemingly
Insufferable Existential Crisis
By peter
Dear Diary,
I had reached a point where nothing did it for
me anymore. It seemed all I could do was hole myself up in my room and ponder the uniqueness and
isolation of the individual experience, and regard
my existence as inexplicable in this antagonistically indifferent universe. I didn’t even enjoy crying
into my vinyl collection anymore. Self-deprecation?
Hah—could it be any more passé? I had even forgotten how to hate my parents!
No offense, Diary, but often times, when I felt
these weathered pages couldn’t contain all my inner anguish, when I felt as though the aforementioned antagonistically indifferent universe would
crush me into oblivion, I created an iPod playlist of
expressionist piano music and went for long walks
with hopes of clearing these troubled thoughts.
Even that, however, was proving futile. I felt
directionless. Perhaps, I decided, I was looking up
to the wrong people. I had admired Morrissey since
Hot Topic started manufacturing those deck Smiths
t-shirts, but when I found out he was a celibate
vegan who practically melted from sunlight, I realized I was only further smothering myself with
negativity.
So the other night I tagged along with brother Chuck to his tech job at Xcel Energy Center.
Chuck’s alright. He’s 32 and still lives with our parents, but he seems to have life more figured out than
I do, because he has a job and everything. So naturally I trusted his judgment when he told me I could
use an evening away from pondering the uniqueness
and isolation of the individual experience and regarding my existence as inexplicable in this antago-
nistically indifferent universe. Word, Chuck.
As it turns out, this musician named Kid Rock
was playing a concert there on that same evening.
I’ve been meaning to check out some of his older lofi underground experimental basement tapes that
people have buzzed about, but I was really heavily into other bands at the time and everything,
so I never got around to it. Regardless, his music
blew me away, especially the selections from his
genius record Kid Rock, which I think Pitchfork
might have given an 8.4. I personally found it to be
so emotionally naked. Like the brutally powerful
tearjerker “Rock n’ Roll Pain Train,” where he laments that even American badasses get lonely? Or
how about that poignant ballad, “Cadillac Pussy?”
That shit cuts deep, Diary. Deep.
I could tell by the audience’s dry humping and
middle finger flashing that all were equally moved.
This was definitely a mindless fad near-religious
way of thinking that I could really get into. By the
end of the evening, things were really looking up. I
met and exchanged numbers with this really sweet
girl named Flossy who had just gotten tested for
chlamydia and totally didn’t have it! How perfect
is that? Also, I got an exclusive invitation from this
guy named Scott Stapp to go play chess and discuss
Nietzsche with him and Kid Rock and some of their
really friendly female roadies in Kid Rock’s trailer.
Apparently some of it might even be filmed for…I
think they said a PBS documentary? Radical!
Well, that’s all I have for now, Diary. It’s always
nice to know other people have been just as perturbed with their own mortality, but are choosing to
elevate from it in really healthy, positive ways!
Bawitdaba,
Peter
Sound & Vision
www.wakemag.org
just a rip-off of that lame-ass country band.” So
when I sat down with the dynamic duo for their
first interview in over six years, the first question I
had was, “What is your response to Nelly’s allegations towards you?” Fresh and Rich looked at me,
M. Rich has this to say: “If he
doesn’t like my Bill Shakespeare
stuff, well he can bite my thumbI mean, it’s all about the seventeenth century if you ask me.”
their eyes welling up in sadness. “Well,” said Fresh,
“I just wish that he could get past his jealousy or
anger, or whatever, and come hang out at a show.
We just want to be friends.”
M. Rich had this to say: “If he doesn’t like my
Bill Shakespeare stuff, well he can bite my thumb—
11
I mean, it’s all about the seventeenth century if
you ask me.”
I caught up with Rich and Fresh later in the
week at their rehearsal space, the group study room
at Wilson Library. The room was hot, and I could
see that their wool sweater vests were beginning to
confine them. Money had taken off her penny loafers and had her argyle-clad feet resting on a stack
of books. Rich’s trademark tweed newsboy cap, an
Irish family heirloom, was resting snugly on top of
his head, but I could see that beads of sweat were
starting to form underneath his thick, brown beard.
I got a chance to hear Rich do a little free-styling,
part of his notorious creative process for writing
new songs. “People are always asking for my lines
/ I give ‘em words so stylish and fine.”
Meanwhile, Money stood in the corner, lips
pursed in concentration over her clarinet. As the
first few notes emerged, I gasped. I had known
about her incredible ability to play and beat box
simultaneously, but seeing it in person was almost
overwhelming.
As I left the library, I wondered what was ahead
for Fresh and Rich. Certainly fame and fortune, but
would they ever resolve their differences with the
greater hip-hop community?
Dam Poule
Movie Review
Partners in Passion
By steven sassman
Using epic gun battles to explore the emotionally stirring relationship of two Des Moines police
officers, the new surefire blockbuster Partners in
Passion is set to ignite screens with gratuitous car
explosions and steamy romance.
John Steele (Samuel L. Jackson) is a battlehardened cop forced to take on a new partner in
Martin Lovejoy (Ben Affleck in a truly moving
comeback role), the gentle and idealistic new recruit. In the opening scene we find out how John’s
previous partner was brutally murdered by the new
dam poule
I know I’m not alone when I say
we’ve all been waiting for Jean
Claude Van Damme and Chuck
Norris to not only exchange
some roundhouse kicks, but
some sensual kisses as well.
gang in town, the Little Ladies, a syndicate of crossdressing midgets. John finds it hard to trust anyone
after this emotional loss, but Martin soon unlocks
his heart with his gentle companionship and smoldering good looks. Together they set out to track
down these sadistic killers and show the world that
gay people can kick some serious ass.
I can’t even think of a way to describe how
original this film is. Except maybe to say it’s like
all four Lethal Weapon movies rolled into one—if
each had an artistically respectable amount of Mel
Gibson / Danny Glover sex scenes. Hollywood has
finally made the perfect film: an action spectacle
with a gripping social conscience. Crash did a commendable job of showing racism but could have
taken things to the next level by adding some kickpunch Jackie Chan-style action and maybe a wise
cracking black cop—someone like Chris Tucker.
And while Brokeback Mountain was a nice look at
the special kind of love cowboys share, I felt it could
have benefited from some well placed shootouts and
maybe a cameo from Clint Eastwood.
In my opinion, there are simply not enough gay
characters in today’s action films. I know I’m not
alone when I say we’ve all been waiting for JeanClaude Van Damme and Chuck Norris to not only
exchange some roundhouse kicks, but some sensual
kisses as well. With Partners in Passion, it was as
if someone finally had the courage to explore the
homosexual undertones of Bad Boys 1 and 2 while
keeping the gratuitous explosions. I say bravo,
nameless someone!
In the tradition of Waterworld and Cleopatra,
Partners in Passion will be the single most expensive film of all time, with a reported budget of $300
million. However, with this year’s Oscar nominees
fresh in mind, Hollywood is ready to make movies
that matter again. But it wouldn’t make financial
sense to craft multiple movies dealing with each
topic individually when one massive blockbuster
could be crafted to take on racism and sexuality
while providing an excessive amount of machine
gun fights in the crime riddled state of Iowa.
10
Sound&Vision
May 3, 2006
Bringing Back the
Olde School
By penelope calloway
with
H. Money Fresh
& M. Rich
“Well, we find it important to incorporate pentameter, as a sort of homage,” says M. Rich about
his structured approach to songwriting. Like the
other mainstream hip-hop artists of today, M.
Rich and H. Money Fresh call on legends of the
past for inspiration. Their personal muse: William
Shakespeare.
“If you think about it, Bill was actually the
original master of rhymes and beats,” says Fresh.
Her five “remixes” of Sonnet 18 (“Shall I compare
thee to a summer’s day?”) have earned her a reputation as one of hip-hop’s most innovative and artistic women.
Meanwhile, her accomplice Rich has made a
name for himself as the premiere free-style sonnet
performer in the industry. Rich has come a long
way from his troubled past in poetry class at the
University of Minnesota. His fight towards the top
is documented in his first feature-length film, To
Battle Or Not To Battle: That is the Question.
As I’m sure we’ve all heard, Nelly has recently spoken out against Rich and Fresh, saying that
ripping off Shakespeare is lame, and that being a
“poetry-reading pansy” doesn’t make them good
rappers. Besides, Nelly adds, “Fresh and Rich is
Athletics
www.wakemag.org
To Hell with Monson,
We Want Clem
An open letter to Bruininks and Maturi
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8
Athletics
May 3, 2006
Lawmakers Discuss Controversial
Funding for U Stadium
Libraries may help
improve athletic
atmosphere
By tyler rushmeyer
In a somewhat expected move, the University
of Minnesota has announced that libraries across
campus will be shut down and their contents sold
to help fund the proposed $248 million football stadium pending congress’ approval.
Rep. Ron Abrams (R-43B) introduced the bill
informally known as “Books for Balls.” Rep. Adams is also the chief sponsor of the football stadium
bill. Political analysts expect the bill to easily pass
through the House and Senate in the coming weeks.
If passed, Gov. Pawlenty, who has openly expressed
his support for the bill, is expected to sign off and
give university officials the go-ahead to begin the
clearance of all libraries on campus.
“It just makes sense,” Pawlenty said at a Monday press conference. “The common student no longer needs the libraries or the books within them.
Have you ever heard of Google?”
The soon-to-be abandoned buildings have been
a hot topic of discussion across campus. If the bill
is passed, it is expected that Wilson Library will
be converted into “One huge kick-ass frat,” as described by Greek Association President known only
as “Killer.” University officials could not confirm
Killer’s assertion, but judging by the increasing
amount of Coors Light cans and discarded pink
shirts outside Wilson, the conversion may already
have begun.
Other university libraries may be converted
into eating establishments, according to a press release from the university. President Bob Bruininks
said the university has been in talks with multiple
national food chains.
“Thanks to the MSA’s recommendations, the
university has met with representatives from Hoot-
ers, IHOP and Denny’s among others,” Bruininks
said. “We’re making great progress and I think students will really appreciate being able to grab a beer
and wings or a plate of pancakes on campus.”
Bob Decker, a University economics professor,
is thrilled by the proposals outlined in the new bill
and the prospect of new restaurants on campus.
“Having a Hooters on campus would be perfect,” Decker said. “I haven’t read a book in years
and I’m fully behind the bill. Hopefully congress
can find a way to get it done.”
Coupled with the excitement of a campus-wide
renovation of university libraries is the support of the
funding that the massive book sale will provide.
Abrams, speaking with reporters Tuesday, said,
“Well the real winners here are the students. With
the dusty old books being sold off to universities
who inexplicitly are not in support of new sporting facilities, students can expect their $50-a-year
student fees for the stadium reduced to somewhere
in the range of $45.”
If the bill is passed, the books will be up for
pro wake life
sale at public auctions to be held at times throughout the summer. University officials, confident the
bill will move through the state legislature quickly,
have set a tentative auction date of June 15 on the
Northrop mall. Students will be able to bid, but
football coach Glen Mason, among others, have
highly discouraged it, stating that it really adds to
a anti-football atmosphere across campus.
“I’m just saying that if students across campus
used all the time they would waste reading books
into donating and campaigning for a new stadium,
the campus would have already had it built,” Mason said. “By boycotting the purchase of the books,
students can send a message to the Capitol that they
will not let academics get in the way of a mediocre
football season and a unheard-of bowl game.”
The total monetary gain for the university from
the book sales is estimated to be around $5 million
or approximately two percent of the stadium cost.
The bill, which has garnered unprecedented support throughout the state, will be voted on by the
House in the coming days.
Campus
www.wakemag.org
Preaching
to the
Pagans:
One year closer to a
near success
By Katie Nelson
7
aaron ridgeway
MINNEAPOLIS—More than a hundred Christian missionaries from across the nation have migrated to the University of Minnesota for the annual
“Preaching to the Pagans” conversion convention.
This two-day event spotlights the yearly exodus of
students from the university for the summer and
the need for swift action to save their lost souls
from living another 3 months away from the divine spirit of God.
Reverend Jeremiah Wakefield, Texan evangelist and director of “Preaching to the Pagans” explains the importance of reaching out to impressionable young students.
“The youth’s minds are being filled up with
the liberal garbage about tolerance of other religions, peace, equality, and free love. What they
really need to be taught is the good word of Jesus Christ, and God willing, we’ll covert every
one of these hippies into upstanding Christian
patriots.”
The goal of this years’ convention is to explore new and innovative ways to convert nonbelievers. Many of the speakers stressed the im-
portance of implementing new techniques such
as interpretive dance, puppetry and interacting
on a personal level with students.
Although, it may seem like fun and games,
many campus missionaries have had harrowing
experiences while advocating the good word. One
such occasion was during an event called “Take
a Shot Against Sin” held at the Kappa Omericon
“Several people mooned
us, and the bushes around
the back were subjected to
unnecessary watering.”
Gamma Epsilon Fraternity last May. “The participants were told that there were free kegs and shots
for all those who were willing to listen to a ten
minute presentation about living life without sin,”
said Samuel Monroe an aspiring minister, “At first
we were thrilled to see how many students showed
up to hear about the gospel, but the crowd soon
became unruly when we explained that we had
purchased root beer kegs and purely Jell-O shots
instead of alcoholic beverages. Several people
mooned us, and the bushes around the back were
subjected to unnecessary watering. When a mob
of students rushed the church van, knocking it
back and forth was the first time I feared for my
safety; it was pure chaos.”
Aside from periodic setbacks, most participants of “Preaching to the Pagans” describe it
as an overwhelming success; we’ve almost had
a convert the past four years in a row. Annie
Mueller, three-year veteran says this about her
experience at the convention “Its amazing to
see such dedicated Christians making changes
at such a sin-ridden University. If I can bring
just one person into the light of the Lord, my life
will be complete. Plus, that would totally secure
my ticket to heaven.”
6
Campus
May 3, 2006
The Rub on
FLUBB
This student group
turned in a fees
committee request
on a napkin and
received $847,289.00
dollars in fees.
Who are they?
jessalyn courtney
By Angél Knutson
Brit Snodgrass rapped his maroon and gold
robe tighter around his body against the evening
spring chill that had settled on the East River Flats.
“This may have been the very same robe that He
wore when He accepted His almighty position,”
Snodgrass said, the firelight from the torches that
dotted the valley reflecting in his thick, blackrimmed glasses.
Snodgrass, of course was referring to the Almighty Robert H. Bruinincks, President of the
University of Minnesota. (Editors note: Snodgrass
agreed to the interview only if we promised to
capitolize all references to the President). In the
torch-lit field behind Coffman, members of the
“Friends Loving an Unadulterated Bobby Bruinincks” student group (FLUBB) gathered to “worship this man who may not be a man at all,” said
one group member, “but a bureaucratic being,” he
adds with awe.
The leader of the student group, Snodgrass, was
chosen under very interesting circumstances. “So
yeah, I was able to figure out that Lord Bobby was
born on a Tuesday evening, which is seven letters
long,” said Snodgrass, a second-year Mathematics
major. “And my middle name is William. Not only
am I graced to have the same name as Him, but it
has the same number of letters as the day of His
birth.” Immediately many of the followers of the
group began twirling around in circles chanting
“Bobby” 7 times until Snodgrass lost his glasses
and spent at least 5 minutes trying to find them in
the dark, dew-covered grass.
Not all at the university are grateful for
FLUBB’s presence. Stevie Prude, co-chair of Students for Pessimistic Values, another student group
at the university, is not at all happy with FLUBBs’
participation on campus.
“They’re fucking nuts!” Prude says, from his
group’s cramped office cubicle on the second floor of
Coffman that is also shared with eight other groups.
“They have the whole fucking third floor,” Prude
adds, “And they turned in their fees request on a
cocktail napkin!”
“It was a napkin from His office, the office of
the President,” Snodgrass said when he had been
questioned about the unique way that the group
had submitted their fees request. “We pulled it from
His trash the week before. It had this interesting
coffee stain on it that bore a resemblance to our
great Leader,” he adds.
Currently, FLUBB receives $847,289.00 dollars
in student fees funding. This is in comparison to
$30.00 for the Minnesota Daily, $24.99 dollars for
the Queer Student Cultural Center, and $0.02 cents
for Students for Pessimistic Values.
“Our Leader has graciously supported us,
bearing great gifts,” Snodgrass says, “We want of
nothing.”
When asked about the huge discrepancy between the amount of funding FLUBB recieves and
the amount the Minnesota Daily receives, Harry
Peacock, head of this year’s fees committee just
shook his head. “I have no idea, “ he says disgustedly. “In fact, get away from me.”
In the meantime, FLUBB continues to grow
and prosper. On the banks of the Mississippi river,
the light from the torches reflected dully off a huge
finger painting of the President. “I like to think of
us not as students,” Snodgrass says, stopping spinning for a moment to catch his breath, and find his
glasses again, “But as people who once were lost,
and now … aren’t as lost.”
Campus
www.wakemag.org
5
Keeping
a Close
Watch
on Wakie
University makes
guinea pigs of The
Wake
dam poule
By “Wake-Reporter Specimen 3A”
In a shocking turn of events Friday, The Wake
was granted full operational funding from the university for the 2006-2007 academic year. After the
Student Fees Service Committee shorted The Wake
more than $30,000 of their requested fees earlier
this semester, the Strategic Positioning Research
Task Force budgeted unlimited financial support
for the student-run magazine.
The blank check does have a catch, though. “Its
not like they gave them the money out of the goodness of their goddamned hearts,” says Vice Provost
for Student Affairs Jerry Rineheart, who intervened
to approve The Wake’s fees last spring but declined
to do so this time around. The Research Task Force
granted unrestricted funds to The Wake conditionally—the magazine has agreed to allow university
researchers to study its production, as well as the
staff’s academic and personal lives, up to 24 hours
a day as long as deemed necessary.
“We have a chance here to really leave Wisconson in the dust,” says President Bob Bruininks, who
developed the Strategic Positioning task forces to
craft the university into one of the top three public research universities in the world. “At first I
thought to myself, ‘Eh, let the Fees Committee shut
that group of news-loving hippies down,’” Bruininks says, “but then I realized, we should take
this opportunity to study these students, find out
what makes them tick to prevent these types from
cropping up around here again.” He explained
that researchers chiefly want to understand why
these students believe so adamantly that the student body—of more than 50,000 students spread
across three campuses—deserves more than one
publication.
“Do they have some kind of beef with the Daily? Where are they getting these crazy revolutionary ideas against a ‘monopoly of the press’? What
are those new-fangled professors teaching them in
their journalism classes? These are the questions we
hope to answer,” says Tim Mulcahy, vice president
for research. Mulcahy explained that the university
is in a unique position to facilitate such a study.
“Heck, most universities of this size and stature,
especially those touting journalism schools, have
historically funded a student magazine,” he said,
“so they’ve already ignored a chance to examine
the formation of something like this.”
Editor-in-Chief Kay Steiger says she is happy to be graduating this spring, before The Wake
moves from its Dinkytown office to the center of
Northrop Mall this summer. “I think it’s great, but
personally, I’d feel weird working behind that interrogation glass,” she said. The new office will be a
dome-like structure composed of two-way mirrors,
explains Bruininks. Researchers will try to stay out
of the way of production, by observing the news-
room from the other side of the glass, though they
will follow Wake staffers to class, meals and “any
personal outings or vacations of suspicion,” Mulcahy said. Researchers will bring camera-people as
needed, and Wake staffers have consented to wear
recording microphones at all times.
“Depending on how interesting the dynamic is,
we might actually pitch it as a reality show,” Mulcahy says of the need to catch the research findings
on tape. This is a new endeavor the task force began
evaluating after managing editor Lane Trisko adds
weekly pizza parties as well as a newsroom hot tub
to The Wake’s account. “These researchers aren’t
joking around. They want to study The Wake in
it’s element, and we are sure as hell going to do everything we can to help that process,” Trisko says.
“These ‘leisures’ are absolutely necessary for our
office to operate in full effect,” he explains.
“Since the fees committee was unable to articulate how much it costs to run a publication like
the Wake, were kind of at a loss,” Mulcahy admits.
The research task force will trust The Wake, and
approve all budget requests, he explains. “There’s
just too much riding on this research to be frugal,” he says.
James DeLong, who founded the Wake in 2002
with Chris Ruen and is now on the Board of Directors, was “baffled,” when he found out he would
be living with researchers and cameramen beginning in September. “Of course it is imperative that
we analyze the people who first birthed this brainchild,” Mulcahy said of this decision. “I was hesitant at first,” DeLong says, “but I guess I’d like
to find out why I ever had that crazy notion that
magazine majors should not only be able to, but
should actually be encouraged to work on a magazine during college. Plus, the researchers did offer
fair incentives.” DeLong says he did not have time
to provide details on incentives, as he was being
interviewed via telephone during a busy Board of
Directors meeting in Hawaii.
“All I can say is that the presence of researchers might hurt our game, our concentration on the
work at hand,” explains Vincent Staupe, a Wake
reporter who has been spotted driving a 2006 Z4
BMW Coupe around campus, “so we’re making sure
we have certain comforts to offset that balance.”
Comforts or not, some Wake employees are still
not thrilled to work under the eye of university researchers. “We’ve had to raise our salaries quite a
bit to get our staff to stay and work under these
conditions,” business manager Andy Tyra says.
The Wake is currently hiring reporters for a new
“World Travel,” section, private chef’s, bartender’s
and masseuse’s for fall semester. See www.wakemag.org to apply.
Funds for the Wake will come primarily from
what was previously budgeted as salaries for Student Fees Committee members, which is scheduled
to be replaced by robots this fall.
Campus
4
May 3, 2006
Coke Head
Bruininks’ addiction equals sponsorship
By ‘Ho Diddy
Rumors circulated for years that the University has considered getting rid of it’s sponsorship
with the Coca-Cola Company because of human
rights violations by the company. But new evidence
about the university president’s addiction to the
fizzy intoxicating drink suggests that this day may
never come.
Despite claims that he considered getting rid
of the Coke sponsorship, University President Bob
Bruininks recently told an unidentified source that
the U could never get rid of it’s dependency on Coke
dollars, mostly because the prez is too addicted
himself. “Why do you think we have Coke instead
of Pepsi?” he reportedly told our source.
When we contacted Bruininks to see whether
or not this is true, he would only confirm the information by the empty Diet Coke cans surrounding his desk.
“I have to run to the vending machine for him
at least four times per day, and this doesn’t count
the Coke he drinks at lunch and the 24 pack that’s
in his office,” Bruininks’ assistant, Sue McGan says.
“I used to nag him about his addiction, but I have
now realized their’s no point.” McGan mentions
that Bruininks has weekly dentist appointments
because the Coke is ruining his teeth.
McGan says chances are very slim that Bruininks will get rid of the U’s Coke sponsorship, due
to his addiction. “If we got rid of the Coke sponsor-
ship, Bruininks would quit as president. He thought
about switching to Pepsi, but he’s just not a [Pepsi]
fan,” McGan says.
In a survey of 50 students, The Wake found
that students had a new respect for Bruininks when
they learned of his Coke dependency. “Its cool to
know that he’s human too, you know?” engineering sophomore Jon Fres says. “I mean who isn’t
addicted to Coke?”
The human rights violations include unpaid
overtime for Coca-Cola employees, horrible working conditions, and child labor, says a statement put
out by the student group, Students Against Coke. It
says the U should get rid of the sponsorship to take
a stance against sweat shop-style labor.
But those who don’t really care about third
world countries oppose this opinion. “That’s what
America is about; taking advantage of the third
world. If you enjoy shopping at the Gap and driving your car, then shut up and drink you’re Coke.
It’s about being American,” says American studies
Professor Don Hal.
Most students oppose to the sponsorship because the Coca-Cola Company has come under fire
for violating human rights policies in its factories.
“I do not want my school to enforce something that
takes away the rights of others,” says women’s
studies freshman E.B. Mal. “Why does our school
have to be corporate?”
The answer to this is simple: To keep prices
down. Bruininks has said that the U’s Coke spon-
Now Hiring
sorship is vital because it pays for many of the
amenities students enjoy, like a new scoreboard in
Williams Arena. “It’s these kinds of features that
attract students to our campus, so we want to keep
taking advantage of that,” Bruininks says.
“The Coca-Cola sponsorship does keep tuition
down because it pays for things we would normally
take out of students pockets,” McGan says. “Bruininks would like to get rid of the whole Coke thing
because then people would quit asking him
about it, but he’s too much of closet addict to ever let Coke leave the campus,”
McGan says. “Plus if he raises tuition
and fees any more, he’s worried he’ll be
impeached.”
Having a vending machine is every building is
a consequence of the contract, but many students
welcome the machines. “Without the vending machines, my day would be so much harder,” Fres
says. “Almost everyone in all of my classes is always
drinking some Coke product to make it through the
boring prerequisites they make you take here.”
“If we didn’t have Coke, I’d just find Pepsi or
buy it from the grocery store. I’d rather have Coke
in my life than pay higher tuition without the sponsorship and sleep through my classes,” Ispep says.
This new evidence on Bruininks comes right on
the tail of a new study that suggests that if students
continue to consume Coke at their current rate, the
composition of the human body may lose its dependency on water and rely solely on Coke.
Fall 2006
dave hagen
Production Manager Campus Editor S&V Editor
Voices Editor Literary Editor Editorial Assistants
Distributors Graphic Designers PR Interns Webmaster
Advertising Executive Advertising Interns
> www.wakemag.org/content/pages/Jobs
It Burns When I Pee
Letter from the Editor
BY ZACHARY CODY LEE CARLSON
You may have noticed that our Bizarro cover was a mockery of The
Minnesota Daily’s front page. If you picked up this issue of The Wake
thinking it was the Minnesota Daily, we apologize.
Those of you who made this mistake may not have noticed that it was
different until you tried to find the crossword and were sadly mistaken. I realize this means many people will grab a copy of this issue and
throw it on the ground in a fit of rage.
I apologize in advance for the influx of litter this issue will contribute
to the campus.
Lance Urkunden
Managing Editor
P.S. Congratulations to Jenny Odegard and Eric Price. Jenny will be
taking over as editor-in-chief and Eric will rule the world as managing
editor next year. Kick ass!
Volume 4, Issue 21
Bruininks is addicted to coke
Campus . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Fuck libraries, we want football!
Athletics . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Some Dickens-fresh rhymes
Sound & Vision . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Federal shield law, a business perspective
Voices . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Love, death, and beavage
Literary . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Still no crossword or Sudoku
Bastard . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 04
08
10
13
14
15
Staff
Editorial
Editor-in-Chief
Silk Kay Sweet
Managing Editor
Lance Urkunden
Athletics Editor
Ron Mexico
Athletics Assistant
Athletics Staff Writers
Campus Editor
Campus Assistant
Campus Staff Writers
Literary Editor
Literary Assistant
S&V Editor
S&V Assistant
S&V Staff Writers
Film Critic
Voices Editor
Voices Assistant
Voices Staff Writers
Ice “T”
TJ
Y-T Rushman
No Youda Mann
‘Ho Diddy
“Wake Reporter Specimen 3A”
Angél Knutson
Nico St. John
You are my Achilles Heel
M. Rich
Penelope Calloway
naked russian pop star
H. Money Fresh
We found the Eye
Steven Sassman
Give ‘em Hell
Pierce Piercing
Bob Dylan
Mistress Oral Sex
Production
production manager
art director
Brendan Pants
Dam Poule
cover artist
graphic designers
illustrators
photographers
copy editors
000111010001111
Jupiter Assblaster, without any
help from those underage boys,
thank you very much.
Blondie, but smart
“I’ll row you into next week”
Shannay O’cari
Jupiter Assblaster and the
Underage Boys
Underage Boy #7
Microsoft Excel
Dave Hagen
Alex Judkins
Underage Boy #3
Dam Poule
Beng-Beng, you’re dead
Courting the Temptress
Will Rodgers
Dam Poule
“Livin’ it Green” Aulwes
Benjamin Clayton
Holy Mary’s Cumming
K. Fresh
BUSINESS
business manager
office manager
advertisting executive
pr director
distributors
The Wake really starts to get experimental when the staff agreed to be placed
in a clear container and studied on the mall in exchange for funding. The
funding spent on the newsroom hot tub is totally justified.
Jupiter Assblaster and the
Underage Boys
photo editor
web editor
05 Keeping a Close Eye on
Wakie
Mr. Moneybags
Mom
Burger King
Cassie Benson
10 Bringing Back the Old
School with H. Money
Fresh and M. Rich
Isn’t it time spoken word got back to its true roots? H. Money Fresh and M. Rich
want to bring back Shakespeare to modern rap, finding inspiration in a remix of
sonnets and free stylin’ in iambic pentameter.
Relation of Robert McNamara
Teach for America
Dam Poule
Steven Sassman
CONTRIBUTING WRITERS
Saint Bernard, Penelope Calloway, Cee Cee (I
want to kill myself), ‘Ho Diddy, Mi Want Diversiti,
JP Frederick, Dick Fritter, Angél Knutson, Mel
Landers, Mr. Moneybags, Katie Nelson, Peter,
Tyler Rushmeyer, Steven Sassman, Seth Simmons,
Marcelle Simone, Xavier Slade III, “Wake-Reporter
Specimen 3A”
©2006
Established in 2002, The Wake is an
independent weekly magazine, produced
by and for students at the University of
Minnesota. The Wake is a registered
student organization.
The Wake was founded by Chris Ruen and
James DeLong.
The Wake
1313 5th St. SE
Minneapolis, MN 55414
Send letters to [email protected]
Please include your name, year, and
college. The Wake does not publish
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