Dealing with Defiant, Dishonest, and Just Plain Difficult Kids_2

Marc J. Blumberg, JD, PhD
When you decided to be a parent,
is that what you had in mind?
This talk is for you if…..
Your child talks back to you, picks on brothers
and sisters, slams doors, throws and breaks
things, has started lying
Nightmare zones are bedtime, mealtime,
homework time
You have tried reasoning, yelling, threatening,
spanking, other punishments
Are you really ready for change?
Preparing for Change
1. Learn 3 facts about oppositional, defiant, and
aggressive children
2. Review problems known to interfere with BM
techniques
3. Review factors that sabotage or prevent change
4. Know the possible causes of oppositional/defiant
behavior
5. Learn 4 key social learning principles
3 Important Facts
1. You can eliminate and reverse some of the possible
causes of oppositional, defiant, and aggressive behaviors
in children.
2. The symptoms of oppositionality, aggression and
defiant attitude are very durable over time.
3. Even with treatment and/or home-based behavioral
recovery program, some oppositional children remain
oppositional, defiant and aggressive.
Are you ready for change?
Parents have to change first!
1. How big of a priority is this to you?
2. Who else has an anger problem?
3. Do as I do, not as I say?
4. Has the fruit fallen far from the tree?
5. Are you optimistic about your child’s future?
6. Do you create too many conflict points with your
child?
7. Do you ever just have fun with your child?
8. Do you ever have fun with yourself?
9. What is it like to be your child?
Bottom line…..
If you are really ready to help your child, then you will be
more successful if……
Your child is a high priority, your anger is under control, you
model good behavior, get help for yourself if needed,
your don’t lose hope, you minimize conflict points, are
playful , gentle, and forgiving with your child AND with
yourself, and remember that inside that defiant child is a
worried and sad little boy or girl.
Change ain’t easy! Roadblocks
1. Putting it off
2. The “hectic week”
3. The Problem with BLAMING (bad
seed?)
4. Fear of change
5. Not sticking with it
Whose fault is it my child is like
this?
Possible Causes
1. Failure to catch ‘em being good!
2. Failure to punish bad behavior
3. Overreliance on punishment
Toxic home environment
Encourages deceit
Makes them fear you
Doesn’t address underlying problem(s)
4. Failure to follow the plan
5. Child temperament – Highway 5
Possible Causes
5. Child temperament – Highway 5 in California
6. Stress
7. Nagging, screaming, threatening/spanking syndrome
identified by Barkley
Toxic home environment
Encourages deceit
Makes them fear you
Doesn’t address underlying problem(s)
8. Failure to follow the plan - CONSISTENCY
6 Most Important Rules for
Working with Difficult Children
1. Consequences
2. Consequences
3. Consequences
4. Consequences
5. Consequences
6. Consequences
Social Learning Principles
1. Most behavior is learned.
2. Most behavior can be changed by
consequences
3. Use carrot before stick
4. Use stick sparingly
Now you’re ready for change.
What’s your parental philosophy?
Optimal parental attitude:
Consistently communicate strong desire for the child to do
well
Use frustration and disappointment to stimulate further
problem solving
Tolerate your own uncomfortable feelings
“I don’t want to do to my child what was done to me.”
Communicate unconditional acceptance of your child
Because remember……
Children who are the most in need
of love often have the most
unloving way of communicating it.
From Barkley, “Taking Charge of ADHD”
Techniques to promote cooperative,
prosocial, and nonviolent behaviors
Positive home environment
What is the tone of your home? How would
you describe it?
1. Be a role model
2. Decide on, communicate, and post the rules
of the house
3. Use commands not questions
4. Resolve conflicts with the other parent
privately
Positive home environment
What is the tone of your home? How would you
describe it?
5. If violence is a behavioral issues, eliminate TV,
movies, video games that are violent
And good luck!
6. Watch movies and shows with your children that
show kindness, empathy, cooperation, concern, and
discuss
7. Show respect for your partner in front of the child
8. Don’t bring up yesterday’s problems
What these principles communicate
to your child about your home is….
You are in charge, you expect the
rules to be followed, you model the
behaviors you expect from your child, you
and your partner are on the same page
and respect each other, you value
nonviolent ways of solving problems, and
your sights are focused on the future.
Specific Positive Social
Reinforcement Techniques
1. Catch ‘em being good!
No back-handed compliments
2. Barkley’s (1987) Command-compliance training
exercizes.
3. Spend 20 minutes a day in Child Play
4. Proudly discuss with your partner how your child is
doing (in front of them)
5. Nightly review developed by Strayhorn (1988)
Priveleges and rewards to reinforce
positive behaviors
Reluctance to use?
Token Economy
Make sure the rewards are salient
Best consequences (positive and negative) are the ones
closely related to the rewarded (or punished) behavior
Punishments for Noncompliance,
Defiance, and Aggression
Ground Rules for using punishment
1. Be clear about the rules and the penalties
2. Act don’t yack!
3. Remain calm
4. Give up threats
5. Use time-out correctly
6. Use response cost effectively
2 Key features of the most effective
punishments
Immediate
Inescapable
Where Does Good Behavior Start?
Parenting Resources I recommend:
Winning Through Cooperation by Kenneth Wenning
S.O.S. for Parents by Lynn Clark
Taking Charge of ADHD by Russell Barkley
Little People by Edward Christophersen
For more information on obtaining professional help for you
and your child:
IWK Central Referral - (902) 464-4110.
Nova Scotia Board of Examiners in Psychology - (902) 423-2238
Association of Psychologists of Nova Scotia - (902) 422-9183