SPS replaces Hamlet with “Lion King”

Schedule changes to add 7th period:
Page 2
Putin adds new
Olympic Sport: Page 6
Diaper Horse:
Page 8
Issue 5
April 2015
SPS replaces Hamlet with “Lion King”
Brubn Hubnes
Resident Redhead
PHOTO BY MCKENZIE CLARK
English teachers
Spokane Public Schools Lang and Davis
announced that Disney’s “The
said that they
Lion King” will be replacing will use acting,
Shakespeare’s “Hamlet” in the cosplay, and live
senior English curriculum. The demonstrations
change, prompted by a new to augment the
federal requirement for increased latest curriculum
instruction on Disney, will begin change. “I LOVE
King!’ Lang
next year. College Board has ‘Lion
said. “Hamlet is
already approved “The Lion King” too tragic for the
for the upcoming AP Literature delicate natures of
test.
our students. ‘Lion
Superintendent assistant Capra King’ has the same
Hircus said that The Lion King was basic elements,
without all the
“the most obvious choice” for the
curriculum change, specifically blood and poison.
because of its unmatched Trampled by wilis better,”
influence on modern day film debeest
Davis added.
and telling insight into the human
condition. “Though it was made
all the way back in 1994, ‘The Lion King’
“Why do we always have to watch Disney?
has never been as relevant as it is today,”
Every grade, every year? What about the
said Hircus.
While unanimously supported by the other film companies? I really feel that
school board and district, the change DreamWorks hasn’t been given the proper
has had a more polarizing effect on LC attention,” said junior Gertrude Goatey,
students. Those in opposition are not hoping for a wider variety of film. The
concerned that “Hamlet” will no longer be district is also considering adding Gnomeo
read; rather, they challenge the addition of and Juliet to Sophomore English.
“Do we even know if Disney actually
“The Lion King.“
made The Lion King? This could be the
biggest cover-up of 1994. There is no
method to the district’s madness,” said
junior Pumba Rosencrantz. Junior Timon
Guildenstern agreed.
Other students worry that the film’s
language is too challenging and archaic
for a modern audience. “I’m fine with
the basic story and stuff but I just can’t
Kid smuggling
operation uncovered
before a trial, which is scheduled to occur early next
month.
Outlaw
Most of the captured Knowledge Bowl members
Two sophomores discovered a kid smuggling refused to comment, but the LC Journal was able to
get in touch with senior
operation run out of an LC field
PHOTO BY ZOE BROWN
Ian Baer, who said that
house bathroom on March 30.
he did not feel the need
Sophomores Katy Schermerhorn
to explain his actions. “I
and Kaylee Martin were in the field
don’t regret smuggling
house after band practice when
the kids, and I don’t
they heard noises coming from the
need to have a good a
bathroom. “I heard bleats coming
reason for doing so,”
from bathroom, and so Kaylee and
said Baer.
I went to investigate. Inside the
Not all of the Knowledge
bathroom, in the last stall, Ben was
Bowl team was involved
stuffing a kid into a hole in the wall,”
in the operation. In fact,
said Schermerhorn.
varsity team member
Schermerhorn said that when
junior Brendon Davis
she asked sophomore Ben Read
is the owner of two of
to explain what he was doing with
the stolen kids. “Totes
the kid and why he was in the girl’s
and Puck are part of
bathroom to begin with, he refused
the family. Having them
to answer. Instead, he offered her
gone was horrible. We
money if she kept her mouth shut.
thought that they had
“That’s when I really knew
run away, not that they’d
something was up. Sure, kids in the
been stolen,” said Davis.
bathroom is weird, but when he
Davis said he cannot
offered us money I knew what was Officer Dan Johnson arrested junior Ben Read
happening was more serious than after he was caught shoving a kid through a hole believe the team would
having an animal in school,” said in the wall in the field house girls’ bathroom. do something like that
to him. “I don’t know
Martin.
Schermerhorn and Martin decided to take the what to think. The team and I are like a family. I care
money in order to keep Read from being suspicious, about them so much, but I feel betrayed. I know I will
but then informed LC administrators of what they had never be able to trust them again,” Davis said.
LC principal Jeremy Ochse released an official
seen. “Really, Ben should have known that the money
statement on March 31 addressing the scandal. “The
wouldn’t work on us,” Schermerhorn said.
After an investigation, LC administrators and police LC administration extends its sincerest apologies
discovered the hole lead to a holding room where to all the families who had a ‘kid’ (goat) taken from
illegally acquired kids were being held before their them. We will take every precaution to make sure that
sale to private buyers for up to a million dollars. The nothing like this happens at LC again,” Ochse said.
operation is allegedly being conducted by members Exactly what these precautions will be was unclear,
of the LC Knowledge Bowl team of which Read is a but students such as freshman Hanna Smith predict
member. Their leader, only referred to by the group frequent bathroom checks to look for suspicious
as “Sarah,” is largely believed to be senior Katherine behavior. “I feel so badly for everyone who had a kid
Lawlor, who has not yet been apprehended by the stolen,” said Smith.
All the kids from the holding room have been
police.
Other members of the team besides Lawlor are returned to their families, but many of the kids who
also still evading capture, but not for long according were already sold have yet to be recovered. “We are
to Police Chief Connor Branwell. “The Spokane Police not going to give up looking until all the goats have
Department is thoroughly committed to finding these been returned,” said Branwell.
kidnappers. I have the utmost confidence that these “It’s just so good to have them home,” said sophomore
students will be discovered and brought to justice,” Hanna Herzog, speaking of her goats Billy and Nanny,
who were returned after a week’s absence. The police
said Branwell.
The currently captured Knowledge Bowl team hope that in the coming months such happy reunions
members are being held at the Spokane Police Station will continue to occur.
understand what the characters
are saying. Did people in the
‘90s really talk like that? Like,
what does “hakuna matata” even
mean?” added freshman Nala
Brown.
“No worries,” said English teacher
James Earl Jones. “I fully support
the addition. ‘The Lion King’ has
impacted our culture like no other
film. Numerous other movies are
based off of it, some books too.
Understanding ‘The Lion King’ is
critical to understanding Western
film and culture in general.”
Despite student backlash, the
LC English department is more
optimistic.
“There is no movie either
good or bad, but thinking
makes it so. That’s our problemfree philosophy,” according to
Existentialism Club president
sophomore Prince Hamlet, who
fully welcomes the film. “The students do
protest too much, I think,” said LC parent
Claudius Johnson. “‘Hamlet’ was usurped
for the better.”
As the change is implemented, one
question remains: to watch, or not to
watch. If you’re in senior English, you have
no choice.
PHOTO BY KATY SCHERMERHORN
by Billy the Kid
Spring Break
canceled!
by Selena Goatmez
Poppy Editor
LC administration has decreed that Spring Break will be
cancelled for students. The April 6-10 vacation cancellation is due
to extreme weather conditions. Administrators cannot figure out
why students are disappointed.
According to meteorologist Billy Gruff, a severe storm is heading
towards Spokane and students will be safer at school than at
home. Scientists predict rain, thunder, lightning and possibly a
high-intensity earthquake. After practicing their safety drills at
school, students will be more likely to survive the storm while
at LC.
Administrators believe that the storm can be seen as a great
opportunity for students to get some extra learning. Compared to
other schools worldwide, LC is going to school fewer days every
year and the week of Spring Break will be used to help catch up.
Principal Jeremy Ochse said, “By going to school just one extra
week our students will be more competitive on standardized
tests, and teachers can get in that extra piece of curriculum they
would otherwise have to cut out.”
“LC is taking the storm and trying to make something positive
out of it,” said Ochse.
Some students argue that a storm is not a good enough reason
to cancel their break. Freshman Pygmy Verata said, “When I came
to high school I did not expect it to be like this! I am very upset
and I believe this goes against my constitutional rights!” Sorry
students, but nowhere in the Constitution does it say that you get
a week off from school in the middle of Spring for no apparent
reason.
Students can expect the week to continue as usual with the
exception of the occasional shaking of the ground, crumbling of
walls and outages of power. If you decide to skip school anyway,
remember you will be held responsible for making up homework
and tests. Absences without parent permission will be considered
truancies.
A poll of LC students and teachers showed that 31.3 percent are
happy about the change, 54 percent are upset, 17 percent simply
do not care, and 18.9 percent will be skipping anyway.
LC administration said that the decision is final. They are looking
out for the best interests of their students and will not change
the calendar revision. Attend school board meetings if you would
like to have input on what happens with Spring Break next year.
NEWS
Page 2
Issue 5
April 2015
LC hires new
grounds keepers
PHOTO COURTESY OF SCRODULOUS WAFFINGTON CREVALIOUS AND THE INTERNET
Goats graze in the LC courtyard. The goat on the far right prefers to be called Charleigh.
by Scrodulous Waffington Crevalious
Chief Whale Inspector
LC has hired a new type
of
grounds
keeper:
goats!
Goats are going to be replacing the
grounds keepers in the job of cutting
the grass as of April 1. Principal Jeremy
Ochse has promised that none of the
staff responsible for cutting the grass will
receive a cut in pay. Grounds keeper Javier
Bardem said, “This will be a good change,
since goats don’t get paid, my salary
doesn’t go down and I have less work to do.”
Freshman Maddi Johnston said, “If a
goat wants to replace a grounds keeper,
then it should.” Since the opening
became available, more than 100 Boer
goats from around the state have applied
for the positions. One goat, named
Charleigh said, “I think this would be a
great opportunity to move up in life.”
On the opposite side of the decision
LC Journal Whooping Cough Editor
Fzzzzt Phzzzzzt said, “I’m not okay with
goats jumping the fence and stealing
jobs from hard working Americans.”
When told that no one would receive a
pay cut he just said, “Oh…Well then..”
The Spokane School District has decided
that goats will create the most cost
efficient way to keep the grass cut. Junior
Evan Saggau agreed completely with the
choice but said that the goats could provide
a new source of entertainment to distract
students from class. English teacher Cory
Davis said they are “a pretty easy animal
to take care of as long as the water is
heated...they’re pretty self-sufficient.”
The District prefers the Boer goat
because they do not need to be milked
and are very docile. As a bonus they
are intimidating because of their size
and defined and prominent nose.
Due to safety concerns only female
or neutered males will be considered.
In a recent study Tammy Dunakin said,
“It takes 60 goats about three to five days
to clear out a quarter of an acre of dense
vegetation” on apartmenttherapy.com.
The size of the lots at Lewis and Clark
will require 39 goats; 12 will be in the
courtyard of the main building, 10 will be
in the smaller grassy area behind the field
house, 2 in the small patch of grass on
either side of the front of the main building,
and 15 in the field across the street from
the Field House. There would have to be 2
in each plot of grass in front of the school
because according to motherearthnews.
com they get “bored and lonely when
alone,” thus reducing their efficiency.
To the questions concerning how long
the goats will be there and what to do
with poop, the school has a plan. The
goats would be rented out a few times
a week (for a number of days to be
determined) by how well the goats trim
the grass in a certain amount of time.
As for the potential problems with goat
feces, former grounds keepers would
now be responsible for cleaning up the
poop produced by goats. The school has
decided to start a compost bin which
will create fertile soil for various places
around the school and possibly be sold
for profit to later benefit the school.
39 students will be chosen using a
random student name generator to
give each goat a name later this month.
Nap room to be built
by Luna Lovegood
Magical Person
LC administrators announced this week
that they have plans to build a new room
in the ground floor library. The new room
will feature comfy chairs, warm cookies
and milk, and personal fireplaces. It would
be called nap room and will be open 24/7.
The announcement came after Doctor
Bruce Swan from Nap All Day to Make You
Smart (NADMYS) published recent study
that showed that sleeping makes humans
smarter. In fact his most recent study
shows that napping during school hours
can raise a student’s GPA from a 4.0 to a 4.1.
The original study had two participants,
George May and Alexia Nickle, who are
both high school seniors in New York City.
In this study, there was a 50% success rate.
“Dude, I would like totally do this
every day. I felt smart after napping
through 4th and 5th period. I did end
up missing two tests but if it makes
me smarter it’s worth it,” said May.
The other response was strongly negative.
“This is so stupid. Sleeping through class
does not make you smarter! You miss
hours of important information and tests,
not to mention time to talk to your friends.
It’s pointless,” said Nickle, who plans
on suing NADMYS for wasting her time.
Starting next year you can sign up to have
fifth period in the nap room. However, only
twenty spot are available and students will
have to go through a rigorous application
process to qualify. The process will include
an interview, an essay, and a nap test since
only the best sleepers will be admitted.
In order to fund the project the school
needs two million dollars for the nap
PHOTO BY LUNA LOVEGOOD
Freshman Maddy Pincock supports the napping room and is trying to raise money for the
project. Pincock, along with dozens of other
students, wants to be able to sleep in school.
room, half a million for chairs, another half
a million for fireplaces, and one million for
fresh chocolate chip cookies to be served
to all students.
“Now don’t get me
wrong, I love cookies just as much as the
next guy but personally I think the money
should go to more important items. Like
goats,” said German teacher Allen Rick.
The school estimates that on average they
can raise the grades of 500 students with
just one nap room and a million cookies.
“It’s all really inspirational. Helping
students through homemade treats,”
said a teary eyed Amanda Mild,
president of the Grandmas for Cookies
Foundation. Mild has pledged to donate
$378.78 to help build the new library.
The plan has sparked a trend in the
District 81 area. Principal Gary Goat
of West Central High School plans
on adding a new nap room as well.
“At first it seemed stupid, I mean a nap
room, but the more I thought about it
the more I liked it. We plan on putting a
bed in every room next year,” said Goat.
PHOTO BY STAN THE CANNED BANANA MAN
Junior and goat enthusiast Myia Price (left) introduces LC’s first non-human student to LC traditions. Peanut Gibbly, (right) is the first goat to ever attend LC, and is
the star student of the new goat-themed classes offered during seventh hour periods.
Schedule changes
add seventh period
Dent’s remarks at the focus group and
by Stan, the Canned Banana Man pushed for a longer student schedule.
Similarly, LC parent Chuck Black said
Fruit Enthusiast
The LC administration, in part with a
focus group of LC parents, have decided
to add another period to all grade levels.
Beginning in the 2015-2016 school year, all
students will be required to have a seventh
period. In addition, the Washington Board
of Education has affirmed the schedule
changes to require four periods before
lunch, and three periods following lunch.
In order to accommodate the new shift
in schedule, the administrators have
decided to start school an hour earlier, to
allow the students to end school at the
same time. In order to not interfere with
Daylight Saving time in the winter months,
the school day will be starting bright and
early at seven in the
morning. In addition
to the early start,
lunch break will be cut
in half so the optimum
amount of time will
be spent learning
in the classroom.
Starting next year,
every LC student will
have seven periods,
with a twenty minute lunch break,
all beginning at seven in the morning
Monday through Wednesday, and again
on Friday. With the new start time, the
traditional Thursday late start will remain.
One of the major designers of the new
school schedule, Gabriel “Goat” Andrews
says, “We decided that students would
be in shock from the new changes,
so we kept late start on Thursdays as
usual. The best part is that it’s still a half
hour later, so the kids could sleep in.”
The new schedule requirements are
in response to multiple LC parents
complaining about their child’s amount
of recreational time outside of class.
LC parent Stu Dent says, “I just can’t
believe how much time my son spends
playing video games and not doing
homework. I never had that much free
time in school, and he should learn what
real work is.” Other parents agreed with
that the school system is “too lenient,”
and that the Washington Board of
Education should “require more rigorous
classes.” Nearly every LC parent in the
focus group pushed for the more difficult
schedules in high school, and over 70
percent of parents asked in a statewide poll demanded a longer schedule.
In support of the new schedule change,
the National Sleep Study Union released
scientific evidence which proves that
adolescent brains function most efficiently
after six or seven hours of homework
with only three or four hours of sleep. In
an interview with CNN, head of the sleep
study Chaz Harpy says, “Our evidence
proves that teenagers don’t need any sleep.
They would probably
be fine with only a
few
thirty-minute
naps
throughout
the day.” The LC
administrators used
this information to fuel
the
up-and-coming
schedule
changes.
Furthermore, the
new seventh period
will be used to test-run a new required
class: Goat Maintenance for freshmen
and sophomores, AP Goat Theology for
juniors and seniors. New head of the Goat
Department, Billy McBleat is excited to
be joining the LC family to teach the new
courses. He says, “I think it is great that the
school is teaching the students about Goats
and the traditional Goat lifestyle.” Bleat has
since recruited five more teachers to assist
him in efficiently spreading the good word
of the Goat in the 2015-2016 school year.
The new required classes will include
Goat theory and lifestyle, proper Goat
care, an extensive unit on goat breeding
techniques, and frequent field trips to
Goat farms. The class also includes its own
eight pound textbook, entitled “The Goat
in You,” and daily doses of goat mating calls
and goat cheese taste-tests. In addition,
a new Goat Theology AP test will be
offered to students at the end of the year.
“Our evidence proves
that teenagers don’t need
any sleep. They would
probably be fine with only
a few thirty-minute naps
throughout the day.”
hair wrestler
CAPTAIN KIDD
OUTLAW
billy the kid
STAFF
POPPY EDITOR
selena goatmez
YOUR MOM
WHOOPING COUGH
SHENNIFER
JOWALTER
SATYR COUNCIL REPRESENTATIVE
RESIDENTS
METAMORPHMAGUS
BRUBYN
HURBINES
shrimp
SNOW WHITE
FZZZZZT PHZZZZZT
JUNIPER WIERD
Tonks
STAFF WRITERS
NANNY MCGOAT
PK THUNDER
LUNA LOVEGOOD
DEREK ZOOLANDER
PEDRO SANCHEZ
JP PREWETT
NUMBER JUAN
CHRIS P BACON
CHRISTIAN TURD SOCK LAWNCHAIR
HABASHABALABAH DING-DONG
ROYAL PAYNE
VINNY SANTANA
AL DENTE
PAUL ORMSBY, ESQ.
LOO KING GOOD
MILLICENT HAWKINS
SMITTY WERBENJAGERMANJENSEN
STAN THE CANNED BANANANA MAN
Scrodulous Waffington Crevalious
MUYUIUA PRUICUE FRUOHLUICH
NEDS ALIUS
N3WS
Issue 5
April 2015
Page 3
Mandatory literacy test required for
extracurricular participation starting April 2.
by Snow White
Resident Anglophile
After years of pressure by the National
Reading Association (NRA) and
Washington All-Citizens Knowledge
center (WACK), the District 81 school
board announced the institution of
a new rule starting April 2: in order
to participate in school-sanctioned
sports and activities, students must
pass a literacy test.
“Hopefully, this will cause students
to reconsider their unacademic The elusive LC Knowledge Bowl team, believed to be behind the recently uncovered kidnapping
activities,” Assistant Principal Theresa ring operating out of the field house, has disbanded following the announcement of mandatoMeyer said. “Inside of school and out, ry literacy tests across the district. Eligibilty was expected to be reduced to at less than half.
our athletes represent LC. They need
track runner Gavin Murray. “I ain’t saying decrease in sports participation, but an
to have that motivation to set a good I wouldn’t pass no test, but it could take increase in the quality of our athletes,
example to the rest of the student body more effort than I’ve put into school for according to board member Larry
academically as well as physically.”
years.”
Mahoney. “Even with nonphysical
“I need to get my act together,” said junior School board members anticipate a extracurriculars
like
Debate
and
Knowledge Bowl, hooligans will be forced
to clean up their academic lives,” he said.
In the wake of this announcement, LC
Knowledge Bowl has officially disbanded.
“We just wouldn’t have a full team to
send to competitions,” the varsity captain
said on condition of anonymity.
In fact, the only team not expected to
be impacted by the latest literacy tests
is LC Football. “This test covers poetry,
nonfiction, literary analysis, argument,
and Shakespeare’s classics, as well as
basic reading and writing,” Mahoney said.
“Our gentlemen athletes are bound to
pass with flying colors.”
In spite of these dire predictions,
literacy test advocate and LC parent Mary
Montgomery assured Principal Ochse that
no LC student would dare to fail. “These
kids sure do know there three R’s,” she
said in an email. “They’ve been teached
right for years.”
Common Corr
WHEN
standards introduced
TURKEYS
in biology classes
ATTACK
PHOTO BY TAYLOR HINSHAW
by Derek Zoolander
Really, really ridiculously good-looking merman
Freshman Madison Nesbitt cowers behind a tree in the LC courtyard as wild turkeys attack.
The number of wild turkeys in Spokane has drastically increased since 2010, according to the
Washington Turkey Organization, or WTO, which monitors yearly turkey attacks in the state.
Wild turkeys take
over Spokane, LC
Chris P. Brown
Class Snack
Spokane has recently been overwhelmed
with an increasing number of wild turkeys.
Many people have witnessed the turkeys
all over town, but Spokanites do not
know the truth behind the sudden turkey
sighting surge.
According to the Turkey Federation
of Spokane Washington (TFSW), the
population of wild turkeys has “increased
drastically by 83 percent” since 2010.
Some speculate that the turkeys are just
becoming more comfortable in urban
settings.
The wild turkeys have been spotted
almost everywhere in Spokane. They are
making homes in parks and walking down
the sidewalks like they own the place.
TFSW officials sent a robot turkey spy
into the flock in November. According
to officials, the Top Turkey, leader of the
turkeys, held an assembly in Manito Park
and said that they were planning to “take
over” Spokane by June. That was the last
thing the robot turkey spy was able to
catch before he was found and torn to
pieces by the ‘turkey guards.’
Mayor David Condon held a public
meeting last Saturday and told the public
not to worry. Condon said that this is a
“clever ruse” by the turkeys in an attempt
to try to scare us away. After Condon
finished speaking, General Meleagris
Gallopavo, head of Spokane’s security,
gave tips on how to stand up to the turkeys.
Gallopavo said, “In order to assert
dominance, the public must not hide in
their houses, but come out and stand tall
over the turkeys.” He also said that in order
to appease an angry turkey you must set
out berries and seeds as a peace offering.
Many kids from District 81 walk to and
from school and have encountered gangs
of wild turkeys in their path. Freshman
Madison Nesbitt said, “I see the turkeys
all the time and walk right through them;
they’re not scared.”
Back in 1975, a similar incident occurred
in Small Town, Washington. Unfortunately,
the town was overthrown by wild turkeys
and 91 percent of their 570 residents are
now turkeys.
TFSW said that they are working with
Gallopavo to create a plan to insure the
turkeys do not take over the city or hurt
innocent bystanders. They do not want
another disaster like Small Town.
To protect the city Gallopavo said not to
panic and to act as normal as possible. The
turkeys know we know their plan but they
do not know when we will attack back.
Legendary GPA annihilator and biology
teacher Daniel Corr has proposed a change
to his long-standing teaching style. His
old format of in-class lectures, extensive
student note-taking, and at-home
textbook reading has been his strategy
for thousands of years. His students have
always appreciated his reminders that
being named valedictorian or scoring a
5 on the AP Biology test is not nearly as
important as a deep understanding of
biological concepts.
Students have complained for years
about the stress his class has brought into
their junior years. Now, however, Corr is
proposing that he will use a system that
includes class time worksheets with fillin-the-blank answers that come straight
from the books. He also is planning on
spending class time playing biology games
like “Around the World with the Periodic
PHOTO BY MADDY DICKSON
Table,” “Heads-Up 7-Up Protein Synthesis,”
“Lab Technique Board Races,” “Biology Seniors Hanna Fahsholtz and Bryn Hines
Bingo” and the ever popular “Match the gear up to work on their homework in AP
Biology: “The Sun Helps Things Grow”
Phenotype to the Genotype.”
and “Color-by-Numbers: Cells.” These
In a LC science department meeting last worksheets are among the first to be inweek, Corr outlined his new standards for cluded in the new AP Biology curriculum.
the AP Biology curriculum. Several of these
include the ability to memorize the basics to the SAT, the ACT and the Armed Services
of processes like photosynthesis and cell Vocational Aptitude Battery (ASVAB) while
respiration and simplified understanding he’s at it.”
of genetics.
Overall, though, the decision has been
met with praise from both parents and
“Teaching to the test is the
students. Junior Eric Huber said that
best way of getting the
he “loves the worksheets” and feels
students to internalize the real
comfortable in his biology knowledge.
rinky dinky kinky of biology.”
According to Huber, “the new College
-AP Biology Teacher Dan Corr
Board based curriculum is super fun, and
All the materials he plans on using come easy to get done before the bell rings,”
straight from College Board, and they all and he’s sure it is preparing him well for
claim to help prepare students for the AP biology at the college level.
test. Some students claim that they don’t
The labs in the updated system
care about their success on the AP test as feature new activities such as an Animal
much as their burning desire to learn the Photography project. To his future
actual material. However, according to students who have looked forward to his
Corr, “teaching to the test is the best way fabled activities for years, however, never
of getting the students to internalize the fear -- Corr’s class still will include all-time
real rinky dinky kinky of biology.”
favorites like the Moth Spotting activity.
Although most parents are excited by The beloved fruit fly activity will of course
the prospect of better standardized test be included in the new curriculum, and
preparation, a few have raised concerns. students will now have the opportunity
Junior Sophie Guthrie’s father said, “I to train the flies as well as observe them.
worry that focus on the College Board Also in the genetics unit will be human
Biology standards will set my daughter pyramids to represent generations of
back when it comes to the ACT. Mr. Corr various crosses. These activities are
should teach to both tests, not just the meant to give students a more hands-on
one. Actually, he should consider teaching understanding of the course material.
Brittany Mendoza-Peña and Ilan Hernandez (juniors) have adopted Marty
McFly’s signature style of orange,
puffy, ‘80s-esque vests since McFly
came to LC in January. McFly has made
an impact on the student body, but
has now gone missing, leaving behind
many saddened scientists, and broken
hearts. Please contact Lorraine Baines
at 867-5309 with any information regarding his disappearance.
Photo by Juniper Wierd and Tonks
by Juniper Wierd putting on a fake face and sneaking around. that the dancing teenager was
Junior Lavender Brown is among the actually a Cheney kid named Ren.
Satyr Council Representative students
suspicious of the new kid. “I
It’s not just the students who are
LC received a new student at the start
of the semester, new to Spokane from
Hill Valley, California: Marty McFly. Soon
after he started school, accusations began
to fly and suspicions started rising, and
McFly was pronounced missing three days
ago, leaving everyone asking the same
question: what’s going on with the new kid?
Mcfly, senior, added a new dynamic
to the school, as things were
quite different at his old school.
The senior dressed differently than
the average Spokane student: layers
of plaid, denim, and a bright orange
vest on top. He wore high-rise jeans
on the bottom, and his is boxers were
completely covered by his pants.
“Lewis and Clark is definitely going to be
a new experience,” said McFly two weeks
before his disappearance. “Everything is
new and different, but I’m learning to adapt.”
“Adapt” might be too strong a word, for
many other students seem to think he’s just
remember the first time I saw him: he
sat by me at detention on Saturday,
and I thought he was kind of cute, so I
talked to him. He didn’t say much, but
he briefly mentioned how surprised he
was that our cars didn’t fly,” she said.
The administration is currently
examining the essay written by the group
of students at that Saturday detention for
any clues regarding the disappearance.
Although Brown’s IQ is less than
average, her accusations and suspicions
have been matched by other students.
Fellow senior Peter Johnson (or maybe
it’s Percy Jackson?) said that after work
last week, he was walking by the old
Flour Mill, and swears that he saw McFly
there dancing and doing gymnastics.
“It was the strangest thing,” JohnsonJackson said. “He was just sitting
in his yellow slug bug, and then
he
randomly
started
dancing.”
Recent reports have suggested
noticing the weirdness of McFly though.
E. Trinket, art teacher, claims to have
seen McFly rummaging in her desk as
she changed hats for her next period.
“When I approached him, he asked if I
had seen a Sports Almanac. Now naturally
I had no clue what a Sports Almanac was,
so I quickly sent him on his way, but it was
a very strange encounter and because of
it my hat was not properly placed by the
time fourth period started,” Trinket said.
Not all students and teachers believe the
rumors about McFly however, some just
believe that he is following in the footsteps
of our most popular senior, Ferris Bueller,
who struggles to take it easy and stay hidden.
“Maybe Marty is just taking a few days off.
I’ve done that before. My boyfriend and I
took our friend’s dad’s car and skipped
school,” said senior Sloane Peterson.
Either way, Marty McFly has gone
missing, and for all we know the poor
kid could have gone back in time.
by Captain Kid
Hair Wrestler
Proposed Skywalk toll
If implemented, the toll would be
25¢
for passage both ways
The business office would offer
discounted long-term passes for a
currently undetermined price.
teacher Bob Trull collected tolls from
passing students and encountered
much resistance to the new fees.
“Most students were surprised when I
asked them to pay the toll, mostly because
they hadn’t heard about it, but nearly
everyone managed to scrape together 25
cents. A few students got really angry--I was
cussed at three or four times,” said Trull.
According to Trull, the trial run was
mostly smooth sailing, with the exception
of three particularly troublesome
students. The students, identified as
brothers Trip, Billy and Bart Gruff, entered
the skywalk one at a time. Trull said Bart,
kind of art will replace the old works. Last week, the
school surveyed 50 students and the final results were
a lot of goat portraits and more pictures of random and
LC administrators announced last week
a plan to charge a toll on the skywalk
starting next year. Exactly how to enact
this fee is still under intense discussion,
but administrators have some idea
of how it will go down. Funds from
the toll would go to LC’s art program.
If this plan is implemented, students
would be charged 25 cents for roundtrip passage over the skybridge. There
would also be month, semester and
year-long passes available at the
business office for a slight discount.
Student reaction has been mixed.
“I shouldn’t have to pay to get to my
classes,” said junior Simon Litzenberg,
“Metered parking is enough of an
added expense. This is unfair!”
Freshman Lily Mann agrees. “I’m all for
supporting the art program, but this is
a terrible way to do it; it’s going to slow
foot traffic in the skywalk way down
and people will be late,” said Mann.
Others, like freshman Hannah Blye,
support the plan. “25 cents is nothing. It’s
an easy way to raise funds for the school.”
One stumbling block for the toll has
been figuring out how keep track of
who has and has not paid. Students
will scan their student ID cards before
entering the skywalk and pay on one
side, and then scan their ID card again
to gain entrance from the other side.
During a one-period trial run
of the toll system on March 23,
a freshman, approached first, alone.
“He came up to me and when I explained
the toll to him he said, ‘Oh, I don’t have
any money with me, but my older brother,
Trip, is coming and I’ll text him and tell
him to pay for me.’ So I told him that since
it’s just a trial and he was worried about
being late to class I’d let him go across
and just wait for his brother,” said Trull.
Trip, a sophomore, arrived next, as
his brother had promised. “Trip gave
me pretty much the same story,” said
Trull, “‘I don’t have any cash, but my
brother’s right behind me and he’ll pay.”
There wasn’t much I could do,—we still
haven’t worked out what to do with kids
who don’t pay—so I went along with it.”
Trip’s older brother, senior Billy Gruff,
approached soon after. “Apparently his
brothers had texted him or something to let
him know about the toll, because this kid
walked up to me already angry,” said Trull.
According to Trull, when he asked Billy
to pay the toll the senior, a member
of LC’s wrestling team, charged at
him, knocked him to the ground and
raced over the skywalk. Billy Gruff
was later suspended for a week, but
not before getting to class on time.
Trull received a few bruises and
scrapes from his fall, but was mostly
just shaken. “If this toll thing happens
for real, no way am I volunteering
to collect the money!” said Trull.
In light of this incident administrators
have promised to rethink how
the toll will be implemented, but
insist that it is still a viable idea.
made a consensus that it is best to update
the wall with better, fresher, and more
modern work. Many are questioning what
LC to charge toll on skywalk
with all of this boring art work, I don’t
even want to try,” said Junior Rascall Kill.
On the contrary, senior Arthur Cadwell,
winner of four consecutive mathlete com-
and not worth our time. One million dollars is just not worth it. We hope the community will support our decision,”
New student
disappears, spotted
in a DeLorean
that pictures of iPhones and Starbucks
will flood the walls? It is too early to tell,
but most likely. “I feel like I would be better inspired to do well in school. I mean
throwing the art away because there is
simply no use for it any more. We feel as
if selling the art would be too much work
Marty McFly is missing!
a good two months into the school year
to actually admire them.” Administrators and other members of the staff have
box so that when the pictures are thrown
into the dump, people will not sneak in
and steal the valuable art. “We are just
the school has gathered quite the collection of beautiful pieces. Altogether,
the artwork is over one million dollars.
Most students admit that when they walk
“Honestly, I had no idea that there was
any artwork in the schools because it is
so camouflage with the walls. It took me
right to take away such valuable pieces
that are worth millions, literally.” The
artwork will be placed in an aluminum
When you take a walk around our school
and glance up at the beige walls, you will
come across antique, world-class art.
Over the course of many, many years,
into the school, it takes a while before
they actually notice the art on the
walls. Freshman Randy Cosgrove said,
said administrator Tara Craney. A
ceremony will be held at the local
Spokane dump on April 15.
Administration by Loo King Good
to replace LC’s
Teethe Flosser
valuable artwork
Issue 5
april 2015
colorful shapes. A recent study shows
that the best art to have in public schools
are pieces that have something to do with
the modern day culture. Does this mean
Page 4
Features
petitions, president of the Key Club, and
captain on the Checkers team, said, “LC is
a historic landmark partly because of the
art that fills the school. No one has the
SERUTAEF
Issue 5
April 2014
Page 5
Ava Walter identifies as Kanye West
Rap recordings “Ava’s in Paris,” “Through the
Walter” and “Tiberius Walks” set for new album
by Mike Howard
Opinions Editor
Senior Ava Walter has recently undergone
what she describes as “less of a
transition, more of a transformation.”
Due to her success in Kanye West-related
trivia (Walter is ranked second in the
state in this category on QuizUp), she has
decided to identify as Kanye West himself.
“I feel like I know Kanye better than
Kanye knows Kanye, and that really makes
me more Kanye than Kanye,” said Walter.
Kanyeva, as Walter now refers to herself,
says she has full support from her family
and friends and will likely continue the
transformation in a more official capacity
by way of deed poll later this month.
Kanyeva’s identification has sparked the
curiosity of many cis-rapper LC students
such as junior Lian Schaaer, who said, “I
just don’t understand what it means to
identify as another specific human being.
Like really, boy to girl is one thing but Kanye
West is Kanye West. How does it even feel
to BE another person?” To this, Kanyeva
said, “How does it feel to be human?”
Due to Kanye West’s rap success, Kanyeva
is expecting a spike in press coverage of
PHOTO COURTESY
OF AVA WALTER
Senior Ava Walter has transitioned, or in her words, undergone a “transformation” into Kanye West. Currently ranked second in the state in Kanye West QuizUp, Walter considers the change the natural progression for any true fan. LC
students are confused, but also excited for Walter’s upcoming rap releases.
Woodard joins
Black Eyed Peas
Birds created
with arms
Psychology teacher becomes fourth member of renowned electronic dance music rap
by Number Juan
her own life. “I’ve been preparing for this
spotlight for a while now. I’m expecting
fame at the same level as Kanye Prime or
higher. Probably higher,” said Kanyeva.
To bolster her rap career, Walter has
begun writing in a similar stylistic vain to
Kanye. Several of Walter’s rap recordings
are already in the works, including “Ava’s
in Paris,” “Tiberius Walks” and “Through
the Walter.” Demos of Kanyeva’s debut
album will be available later this year.
Though the change has been unopposed
by Walter’s peers, many LC students are
confused as to how to address and treat her.
“I am confused as to how to address
and treat her,” said Triscuit Santitas.
“Members of the LGBTK community always
run into problems like this. I just want the
respect that all Kanyes deserve, along with
the money, fame and glory,” said Walter.
Of course , no transition is without
challenges. Kanyeva has begun fund
raising for the plastic surgery necessary to
complete her transition but is struggling
to scrape together the “dolla dolla billz.”
“If anyone wants to help out, I sit on the
corner of 3rd and Maple with a plastic tub
every week and panhandle. And if you
don’t, you’re oppressing me,” said Walter.
PHOTO BY MADISON NESBITT
MIT
students
replace
wings with
human
arms
PHOTO BY SIERRA GROVE
Staff Writer
The American pop electronic dance music rappers, will.i.am, apl.de.ap,
and Fergie have been longing to add a fourth member to their hip hop group,
The Black Eyed Peas,
since their career began.
After years of searching, the group thinks it
may have found the man
for the job: LC psychology teacher, Eric Woodard.
“Once ‘Boom Boom Pow’
took off, I’ve always felt
there was room for us to
grow as a group but we never could find the right guy,
ya know?” said will.i.am.
It was an early evening
before the crew was setting up for their big “Sorry
for Boom Boom Pow’”
tour at the Spokane Arena, when, Woodard spotted the three performers. Psychology teacher Eric Woodard performs some freestyle
Before he went to talk to during his third period AP Psychology class. His angelic
them, he nervously put on voice left the class in awe, successfully demanding an encore
his zebra-print leg warmers, neon pink short-shorts, and a was destined to become part of the
psychedelic bro tank to top it off. Black Eyed Peas legend,” said Fergie.
In hope of acceptance, he start“Honestly, I don’t know why I’ve been wasted to throw some freestyle at the ing so much time with teaching and forming
group. Many may not be aware a family. This is my life. This is real, man.
of
Woodard’s
angelic
talents. The pop star life has chosen me- who am I
Next to being a teacher to deprive it of its hunger?” said Woodard.
and a father, rapping has alWoodard will be touring with the group
ways been Woodard’s passion. Summer 2015, and expects all of the LC comHe decided to quit depriving him- munity to join in his supporting his career shift
self of the spotlight he deserves. students will get extra credit for at“Soon as we heard this guy tending.
Who knew an LC psycholspit some rhymes, we knew he ogy teacher could be so ‘rockin’?
by Madison Nesbitt
Staff Writer
Researchers at Massachusetts Institute
of Technology (MIT) have found a way
to replace the wings on birds with
fully functional human-looking arms.
Much like the 1990s experiment in
which a human ear was grown on a rat,
the arms grown on the bird were an
experiment of genetic mutation used to
further the progress of modern science.
The genetically grown arms could
be used as a replacement arm for a
very tiny amputee or injured veteran.
The chemicals used in the genetic
mutation of the bird, named Frank, also
caused a difference in the way he acts.
Before the treatment, Frank acted like
any other, but after the arms were grown,
his chirp seemed to be noticeably lower
pitched and he had developed a tendency
to pick up random heavy objects.
It took
F r a n k
only four
months to
grow the
humanoid
a r m s ;
once fully
grown,
he
was
constantly
lifting
things,
a l s o
seeming
t
o
increase
t h e
amount
of weight
he lifted
almost every day by a slight amount,
causing his arms to go from weak
and scrawny to strong and very
muscular, like a body builder bird.
The process of growing the arms
seemed to be an unusual experience for
Frank because he could no longer fly. The
small bird would repeatedly climb up the
artificial tree in its cage and jump off, trying
to fly, but injuring himself when hitting the
ground. MIT researcher Deserey Murray
said that the research used in the bird
experiment will be continued until human
sized arms can be grown on large animals.
Many animal rights activists are
offended and frankly disturbed by
any mutation on living beings. PETA
president goat Justin McGoats said,
“Mmmeeeeeeehhh.”
His
daughter,
Toats McGoats, said “Bbaaaahhhh.”
The bird used in the first successful
experiment was only the 3rd bird used to
attempt growing arms. For this lucky bird,
“the third time’s the charm,” said Murray.
Sp rts
Page 6
Issue 5
April 2015
Putin pushes for Quidditch addition
to 2016 Summer Olympic Games
by JP Prewett
PHOTO BY JP PREWETT
Hand Model
Vladimir Putin, president of the Russian
Federation, has announced a personal
proposal for the 2016 Summer Olympics:
the addition of Quidditch as a Category
C Olympic sport. Russia recently hosted
the 2014 Olympic Games in Sochi, and
although Putin called the 2014 games a
“huge success,” he went on to say he felt
something was missing.
“At the time I couldn’t put my finger on
it, but now I realize exactly what could
have strengthened the facade of Russian
progress: Quidditch. We spent over $50
billion on these games trying impress the
world, when really all we needed to do
was stick a bloke on a broomstick.”
By introducing Quidditch into the
Olympics, Putin plans to affirm Russia’s
status as an athletic superpower. The
proposal doubles as a political maneuver
that Putin’s administration hopes will
improve Russia’s standing in the eyes
of western countries. “Recent minor
events like the annexation of Crimea
and the assassination of Boris Nemtsov
have taken a toll on the motherland’s
reputation,” said Russian Prime Minister
Dmitry Medvedev. “We want to use the
attention this move brings to improve our
international relations and show the world
that we’re really the good guys.”
Girls
sport
new
style
by Habashabalabah
Senior LC students and Olympic hopefuls Julia Gmeiner and Maddy Dickson train as Russian President Vladmir Putin watches approvingly. “We’ve got
a pretty strict regimen going just in case,” said Gmeiner. “I don’t want to be
cocky or anything, but those Russian chasers better watch out,” said Dickson.
Though Quidditch is traditionally a
wizarding sport played using magic,
teams competing in the Olympics would
adopt a set of rules modified for muggles
(people who possess no magical abilities)
provided by the International Quidditch
Association (IQA), which has endorsed
Putin’s proposal.
Students run for food
by Royal Payne
The Cupcake Queen
Ding-Dong
The LC girls’ basketball team has a new
look and feel for this upcoming season. All
of the old uniforms are being thrown out,
and this season, the girls are going to be
sporting the vintage throw back look: eight
inch inseam shorts and sleeved jerseys. Some players like junior Meredith
Jones have a long history with shorts
and uniforms in general. She has been to
many uniform conventions, along with
numerous uniform shows. Jones said , “It’s the new thing, you know.
Short basketball shorts and long sleeve
jerseys.” Some agree, and some disagree.
Multi-athlete sophomore Julia Harris,
does
basketball
and cross country.
According to her,
“Shorter
shorts
are much more
comfortable
and
convenient to play in.
I can’t wait!” Additionally, the
National Basketball
Association (NBA) adopted a new dress
code as well. Players are now required
to wear compression shirts with sleeves
under their jerseys and compression
“leggings” under their shorts. More
changes are on the way. Studies from the International Basketball
Association (IBA) reported that, “Girls
who play with shorter shorts tend to run
faster and have better performance in
comparison to girls who wear heavier,
baggier shorts and tops.” The coaches are all for it. Head Coach
John Doe said, “I think the new required
uniform idea is brilliant! I think the girls
will think so too.” According to Assistant
Coach Jerry Johnston, however, “The girls
will feel the complete opposite about
When asked about the IQA’s position on
the proposal, spokesperson Olivia Wood
responded, “It’s about time!” According to
a recent survey by the International Sports
Federation, nearly 98 percent of Olympic
athletes are muggles, making orthodox
Quidditch play impossible. Because most literate global citizens
are already familiar with the Harry
Potter-inspired sport, proponents of the
proposition anticipate a large boost in the
already-impressive Olympic viewership,
especially among younger audiences.
“Quidditch could help NBC achieve
unprecedented ratings,” said Deborah
Turness, president of NBC News. “I hate
to admit it, but Putin could be onto
something.”
The International Olympic Committee
will vote this June on whether to include
Quidditch in the 2016 games. The
proposition has been well-received across
the international community, which is
undoubtedly a first for Putin. Admiration
of Quidditch appears to be a unifying
theme among otherwise ideologicallydiverse states; countries who support
the addition of Quidditch to the Olympics
include China, Great Britain, Finland,
Singapore, Texas and Columbia, among
others.
North Korea’s dear leader, Kim JongUn, who recently declared 2015 a “year
of friendship” with Russia, expressed
enthusiasm for his ally’s idea, going so
far as to call the proposal “a testament
to the Russian creed of excellence and
innovation.” Unfortunately, if Quidditch
becomes an Olympic reality, the majority
of North Korean athletes will be unable
to compete in the sport, as a minimum
height of 4’10” is expected to be required
of participants for safety reasons.
PHOTO BY HABASHABALABAH
Sporting vintage shorts, senior Lexi Arispe
stands inside LC’s Skybrige. Arispe, a shorts
model as well as an LC student, displays the
uniform for next year’s girls basketball team.
these uniforms.” JV team member freshman Cassy
Jack said, “I love the uniform change! I
don’t like running around in such baggy
uniforms. I think it’s very tasteless.” JV team member freshman Mariyah
Lewis said, “The new uniform idea is
stupid. Who wants to wear short shorts
and a skin tight uniform? If I wanted to do
that, I’d either be on cross country or a part
of the swim team.”
Most of the players
sided with Lewis, but
a few leaned towards
Jack’s approval of the
uniform. The new uniform
is not only shorter
and tighter, but also
smaller; previously, the girls’ uniforms
were always made in a men’s fit. Now
they will be made in a women’s fit, with
less “swag,” said junior Kash Kole. The spokesman from Shorts Incorporated,
the largest short producer in the world,
said in a statement to CNN, “Shorter
shorts are becoming so popular, that
we may stop producing Michael Jordan
shorts. Or, most commonly known as ‘J’s.’” According to NBA player Jack McDonald,
“I don’t understand why the new uniform
code even exists- we’re too good to be
told how to dress.” Soon after the comment was published,
McDonald and several other players
terminated their contracts early. The issue
is heading to Supreme Court in late June
of 2017. “I think the new required
uniform idea is brilliant! I
think the girls will think so
too,” said John Doe.
LC students will be given a chance to get
cupcakes in gym classes. Many students
believe that cupcakes are of an equal value
to lifetime fitness. “The point of cupcakes
is to eat them right?! I love that we will
receive them in gym, even though we
have to run to get them,” said freshman
Neil Piper.
Coach Terry Reed promises to purchase
enough cupcakes for half the student
population at LC. Friday April 3, Reed will
be handing out cupcakes for everyone that
participates in the half mile run during
lunch.
“I believe that students need to be
motivated and rewarded for good habits,”
Reed said. “Handing out cupcakes for all
participants is my approach. Maybe this
way there will be less students making
up lame excuses about why they can’t
run that I have to listen to.” According to
fitnesswithsweets.org, sweets improve
fitness levels in high school classes.
“I can’t wait for Friday! I usually dread
these days but now the half mile doesn’t
look so bad. Who doesn’t want cupcakes?”
said sophomore Irene Taylor.
A survey of LC health classes, found that
95 percent of freshmen would attempt to
run less than four minutes, and 93 percent
of sophomores would try to run the half
mile under five minutes when motivated
by cupcakes.
Although most of the school is supporting
this new idea, some are looking at it in a
negative light. “I cannot imagine the mess
that would be left on the gym floor; some
students don’t clean up after themselves.
Why would we be giving them material
to make a larger mess?” Custodian Peter
Anderson said.
Since students
do not clean
up
after
themselves at
lunch,
none
can guarantee
that
they
will clean up
the mess of
cupcakes.
According to
healthyforlife.
com, students
must
be
PHOTO BY ROYAL PAYNE
Coach and fitness teacher Terry Reed
will be handing out cupcakes to all participants of the half mile during lunch.
Cupcakes have been proven to improve
fitness levels in high school classes.
motivated in order to earn positive
behaviors, so any approach can work as
long as it is effective, even if bribery is
necessary.
“Students are running for the wrong
reasons. There needs to be a cause and
not the fact that they will be rewarded
for maintaining a better lifestyle,” junior
Penelope Hart said.
Other students are excited about the
idea. “I think it’s great! I think a lot of
students who aren’t normally active will
participate,” said senior Marge White.
Don’t forget to stop by Reed’s gym
at lunch on April 3 to run for cupcakes.
Cupcake supplies are limited. First come
first serve. Happy running!
Issue 5
April 2015
Opinions
Wall noise is
the future of music
Page 7
by Mike ‘Smoky Cribs’ Howard
You wouldn’t understand
Ladies... gentlemen... music has changed
forever. Before now, though we did not
realize it, we were living in the dark ages
of auditory expression. But as of three
days ago, my ears have been opened to
the future of music: wall noise.
For all those stuck in the past, wall noise
is the sound a boom mic makes when you
rub it against a wall. It sounds a bit like the
static you hear when the cable goes out.
Pioneers of this new and transcendental
form of art include Dead Body Collection,
Vomir, and Skull****Rainbow, all
names you’ll be remembering fondly 40
years from now as you explain to your
grandchildren what real music is.
Vomir has produced one of the most
impactful wall noise albums, entitled
“Claustration 1.” The first five minutes:
static. The next five minutes: static. This
carries on for about an hour, and then it’s
over. Genius.
“Claustration 1” has no track names
because it’s all one track, representing how
we are all one consciousness experiencing
itself subjectively, and symbolizing how
there is no such thing as death, and life is
only a dream that we are imagining in and
of ourselves.
About 18 minutes in, a slight and
momentary skip in the static occurs. That
skip really speaks to me, man. It symbolizes
the oppression of society and how we
should all strive to break the status quo,
no matter for how long, just for the sake of
being different. Powerful stuff.
Dead Body Collection’s Harsh wall noise
is even more revolutionary. It’s exactly the
same as wall noise… but harsher. Dude.
From the very start of the self-titled
album, I could feel the emotion poured into
rubbing that boom mic against that wall. I
understood that the angst and frustration
of the artist could only be expressed with
PHOTO BY MCKNZE CLRCK
PHOTO BY FFZZZZTTTTT
Future rockstar Smitty Werbenjagermanjensen gets in the mood recording his new album, “To the Window to the Wall Noise.”The
album is expected to be available nowhere
and never because it’s too cool for you.
a wall made of harsher material, probably
unfinished drywall or 40 grit sandpaper.
Skull****Rainbow’s piece is almost
exactly the same, but the album is five
times as long. That means five times the
ART, MAN.
Wall noise fans are hard to come by, as
the cleverest and smartest of us usually
are. One fan, Senior Hawk E. Puck, feels
strongly about the genre. “It makes me
feel like I’m on drugs. Not acid or cocaine
or anything like that. More like I just took
five of those really powerful cough drops
that make your tongue feel weird. Baaaa,”
said Puck.
I thought I had life all figured out, but I
was wrong. Wall noise has shown me how
to transcend all those useless musical
Neanderthals like Radiohead and Mozart.
Garbage.
If you wish to join me up here with the
forerunners of the new art-world, put
down your homemade-tattoo gun, tell
your parents they ‘just don’t understand,’
put on some headphones, and better
yourself with some wall noise.
Cage is future of Crocs
PHOTO BY CHRISTIAN
TS LAWNCHAIR
Nicholas Cage and Miranda Cosgrove’s
movie comes out on April 2 2015. The actors are expecting a child in real life in the
near future and considering the names Chaztyty, Tranquility Star, and Myia Price Frolich.
by Christian TS Lawnchair
The mad Fpoopher
On January 27, 2015, I went to the
cinema to see Michael Bay’s new movie,
Starcrocs Lovers, starring Nicolas Cage and
Miranda Cosgrove, and it was a true stroke
of genius.
I haven’t seen a film that was this unique
since Twilight: New Moon. The basic plot
of the movie is that Harold (Nicolas Cage)
goes to a yard sale in Delaware and finds
a pair of beat up crocs, and as he reaches
for them, Beth (Miranda Cosgrove) slide
tackles him and steals the crocs for herself
leaving Harold to go on a journey to find
the crocs. After he finds her he realizes
he didn’t want the crocs as much as he
wanted to see her again because they
were meant to be together.
When I saw Cosgrove tackle Cage and
the explosion appeared in the background
I just thought to myself at how much Bay
pays attention to detail. The explosion
really added that pizazz that the whole
movie needed, you could even see the
flying body parts from all the people that
died in the background.
Barry Winekegger, Huffington post, said
“Miranda Cosgrove, although perfect
for this role, was up against many
people during the audition process,
some of those people include the
voice of Dora the Explorer, Madison
Nesbit, Rebecca Black, and Crissy
Teegan.” In Fact, he also said that
the only reason why Cosgrove got the
role was because Bay enjoyed the
fact that a larger age gap between
them would appeal to the middle
aged man in America.
The movie was funded by the shoe
company Crocs. Crocs CEO Jerry
Nitche said “I really thought that
we would make a lot of money off
this and so far we have made an
estimated 300,000 dollars.”
Freshmen Madison Nesbit said “I would
definitely watch a movie like Starcrocs
Lovers.”
Not only did I think that the movie was
excellent but I really enjoyed, along with all
the other girls my age, the shirtless scene
with Cage. You could really see how they
paid attention to enhancing his nipples so
that you can almost imagine how sweaty
they are.
I would rate this film 10/10, and I would
see again…with some Crocs.
Sophomores Katy Schermerhorn and Maddi Johnston enjoy the privilege of a new self-driving
bus alongside Junior Myia Price. Although the bus is not fully functional, the girls are excited
for the experience. “I’ve never been in critical condition before. It sounds awesome,” said Price.
Self-driving buses
are the future of buses
by Mcknze Clrck
Services, said, “The same rules as any other
bus will still apply — the program will take
a picture of each student who rides its bus
Spokane Public School’s buses will be and store their information throughout
self-driving, starting in Sept. of 2020. that year. If the rules are continually
District 81 will no longer have to hire broken, citations can still be indicted. They
bus drivers, and is planning on putting will simply print out of a slot, filled with all
the spare money towards the renovation of the necessary information.”
Freshman Taylor Goaty simply said,
of different schools and the upkeep of
buses, but primarily towards getting food “Baaa! Baa baaa baaaaa baaaaaa ba
for student lunches that does not taste baa baaaa ba baaaa!” This translates to,
like cardboard. It is a good use of the “Whoa! I bet in the next few years after
spare money, but honestly, the teachers that, the buses will be, like, hovercrafts or
something!”
should have a raise in salary first.
If this would cause us to get to school
This new, and eventually moneysaving implementation, will initially cost faster and not have to get up as early,
that would be great.
the District nearly
a million dollars. Senior Tyler Goaty said, But I’m pretty sure
After
eliminating
“Baaaaa baaa baaaa! that our schools do not
have enough money for
the cost of their
Baaaaa ba baaa baa
those.
drivers, however, the
So, that was deep.
driverless buses will
baaaaaaaaaa, baaaa,
“rapidly prove to be baaaa - baaa baa baaaa Also rude. What would
be the point of writing
a great advantage
baaaa baaaa,” which
about a topic that’s just
to
the
Spokane
community,”
said translates to: “Immature a joke? Maybe Tyler is
one.
Head
Mechanic
freshman! You’re a child, the immature
Atwood insisted
Goatsby McGoat.
that self-driving buses
Sophomore Emma
and you understand
truly happening.
Lee said, “What about
nothing. Not about life, were
“Maybe just ten years
the kids? What if one
not about this place and ago, solely the idea of
of them gets hurt,
or they’re being too certainly not what it takes driverless buses would
have been insanity! But
rowdy? Who’s there
to survive in a world
now, we are fully in the
for the discipline
aspect?” According that — y’know what, this age of technology.”
McGoat said, “I will
to Lee, her bus is probably some kind of
always be on-call for the
drivers always made
joke.”
buses. The first couple
sure volumes in the
of months with them
bus kept consistent
will probably be rough, but I’m not entirely
with a “low whisper” or a “subtle bleat.”
McGoat said that the buses will contain concerned. We have a good handle on this
cameras with an automated system one!”
Lee said that she is still worried about
programmed to respond exactly as any
average human bus driver might. “We will the effects of these buses, saying
have both male and female automated that it will continue to decrease the
rapidly-declining
human-todrivers, each with their own personality already
of course. Some of the ‘drivers’ might human interaction. “Kids won’t learn
say different things for punishment, like to treat adults with respect, even if it’s
threatening to make kids eat anything a simple ‘thank you’ after a bus ride.”
Although he appeared to be joking,
and everything.”
Even provided with these assurances, Puckerman said, “This is outrageous! Next
junior Riley Puckerman is still we’ll have stupid goats for teachers!” I
apprehensive about the driverless buses. couldn’t agree more — goats would be
“The kids won’t feel any threat without a horrible teachers.
physical driver
there,
man!”
said Puckerman,
“Why
would
they have any
reason to stop
their disruptive
behavior?”
Nora Atwood,
head
of
the
Human
Resources
department at
Durham School
pht edtr
Opynnys
The
JOURNAL
Page 8
Issue 5
APRIL 2015
Diaper Horse gives my life meaning
by Muyuiua Pruicue Fruoluich
Uad Muanuaguer
Cassandra Twobears’ heartwarming classic
comes to life in this family-friendly tale of
a fiercely independent, cloth-swaddled
stallion and a courageous orphan with a
bedwetting problem of her own.
Some might think that wetting the bed
is infantile or childish. Some might say
that those who continue to wet the bed
well into high school have a problem.
But Diaper Horse, the movie adaptation
of Cassandra Twobears’ touching novel,
showed me that it’s ok to just be yourself
and wet the bed whenever you feel like it.
The movie opens with little orphan
Gertrude waking up in a cold sweat
after wetting the bed. She’s about to be
adopted, but can her new family love her if
she wets the bed? Poor Gertrude doesn’t
know what to do. I think most of us can
relate to how she feels—scared, anxious,
and covered in pee.
In the morning, after showering, Gertrude
sneaks away to her favorite horse ranch.
She loves to pet them and feed them—
sometimes she’s even allowed to ride
them—but today there’s a new horse at
the ranch.
There’s something strange about this
powerful stallion: he’s wearing a diaper.
Gertrude doesn’t know what to think at
first. The rancher explains to her that his
name is Chance and he’s incontinent. It
means he can’t control when he goes to
the bathroom. “Wow,” said Gertrude.
“That’s just like me.”
Gertrude falls in love with the diaper
horse, coming to the ranch every day
to visit him and play with him. But one
night, there’s a terrible storm, and Chance
All Goats
deserve more
accidentally wanders off the ranch. When
Gertrude goes to visit him the next day,
her cloth-swaddled comrade is nowhere
to be seen.
She’s heartbroken—and I was too at
this scene. If Chance was really lost, what
would I do? Who would I be? How could I
feel confident in my bedwetting?
Gertrude goes on an adventure all alone
to find her beloved diaper horse through
the woods just outside of city limits. She
follows his trail of urine—he lost his diaper
when it got snagged on a tree branch. The
sweet little orphan girl has to fight off a
bear and a really hungry deer, and sleep
outside without a Pull-Up for the first time
in her life.
I remembered the first time I slept at a
friend’s house without a Pull-Up… I called
my mom, bawling, and begged her to take
me home right before we were about to
go to bed. I was 16 years old.
Gertrude was nervous that she would
wake up wet, but when morning comes
and she learns that she had peed herself
after all, Gertrude realizes that it’s all right.
She accepts her pee problem, and carries
on with her search for her best friend.
Spoiler alert: she makes it back to
the ranch with Chance, but has an
announcement for everyone at the ranch
and at the orphanage. She’s not going to
wear pull-ups when she sleeps any more,
and her buddy with the uncontrollable
bladder isn’t going to wear one, either.
They’re going to be proud of who they are.
Diaper Horse was a beautiful piece of
art that taught me to believe in myself. It
taught me the true power of friendship.
And most importantly, it taught me
that I can wet the bed wherever I want,
whenever I want.
PHOTO BY SATAN
Junior
Myai
Price
utters
a
prayer
unto
her
incontinent
savior,
Diaper Horse: “Our mare, who art in diaper, hallowed be thy nappy. They elastic stretch, thy pee be absorbed. On earth, as it is in Huggies. A-mare.”
Seminar replaces lunch
by MC PK Thunder
New Challenger
by Paul Ormsby
The voice in the back of your head
America has a sad, sad record when it
comes to Goats’ rights. Time and time
again, Goats have sat on the sidelines
while other groups of people have gained
the right to vote, protection against
discrimination, and affirmative action in
admission to universities.
One can not expected a Goat to be
reasonably employed in our modern
economy without a college education. So
in order to pay back years of injustices we
must immediately grant Goats assistance
and preference in college admissions.
Goats without college educations are
taken advantage of and toil in unspeakable
conditions. Many are forced to live
homeless or in substandard housing their
entire lives, and deal with the harsh
realities of rural life. Unemployment is
such a universal problem that last year zero
Goats filed tax returns, reflecting a lack of
employment or assets of any kind.
Is this the kind of country we want
to live in? One that marginalizes
the most helpless around us?
Some people would say that
Goats, on average, score lower
than Humans on IQ tests as well
as every type of educational
standardized test commonly
employed today or at any point in
the past. Yes, this is true, but these
tests are often refuted on their
ability to reflect student potential.
Why use such a broken benchmark as a
reason to exclude a whole demographic of
the populace from higher education?
Not only that, but this “blaming the
victim” mentality will only perpetuate the
problem. Goats are already stereotyped
as being so unintelligent that nearly all of
them give up on their education before it
even begins. When was the last time you
saw a Goat at any level of public school?
Without high school transcripts to submit
with college applications, how will they
PHOTO BY MUYUIUA PRUICUE FRUOLUICH
Junior Fraggle McGoatenstern cries a single,
massive tear in the face of overwhelming, systematic oppression. McGoatenstern is the only
goat enrolled in a high school in District 81.
even be accepted to a university?
A recent study by Someone Credible I
Promise revealed that 0% of universities
in the United States have any Goat
representation at all. This is unacceptable,
America.
Most Goats do not have social security
numbers, tax information, or the ability to
write or type. How are they supposed to
file a FAFSA and pay for college?
Goat students simply sit at their
desks silent, knowing they cannot
make a difference.
As President Barack Obama said
in this year’s State of the Union
address, “That’s why this Congress
still needs to pass a law that makes
sure as many Goats are admitted
to college as Humans. Really. It’s
2015. It’s time.”
The only way to rectify this
monumental problem is through
government legislation - years of street
protests and litigation in the court systems
have yielded nothing, while millions
of Goats are forced to live without job
prospects or the education they deserve.
It is time we end this dark period in our
history. My hope is that in 50 years, we
will be able to look back on how far Goats
have come in America. Many Goats will
just have to hoof it until they make it, but
the horns of this revolution are more than
milk and water.
“Baa. Baaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaa
aaa. Baaa
aaaaaa...”
Due to the increasing number of students
who are making “poor life decisions” at
lunch, LC has decided to replace lunchtime
with a healthy alternative: Seminar. As the
logical replacement for a negative habit,
Seminar will definitely foster more healthy
student-teacher relationships.
“There is nothing like bonding over a
PowerPoint on how to get signed up for
next year’s classes,” said senior John
Doe. “I hope that later generations of
students can have a positive and healthy
relationship with teachers like I had,” Doe
said.
Critics of the proposal have said that it
will “foster anger at the establishment
and cause students who normally do not
skip to blow off seminar just to go and
eat lunch with their friends.” Students
do not get to vote on policy changes, but
can plead their case to the school board
on the sixth Tuesday in June of any leap
year. If students did not want this policy
change to happen, then they have had
plenty of opportunities to say so. So by
not complaining the entire student body
has expressed their complete support for
the policy.
Seminar runs the risk of running out of
content in five 45 minute classes a week
instead of one 30 minute class a week,
so the PowerPoints will be augmented
with a mixture of open mic performances
and free-style rap battles regarding what
classes to sign up for next year or what
PHOTO BY NESS AND LUCAS
LC security is proud of the record amount
of grapes they have confiscated. The rate of
confiscation is up by one. Grape.
teachers are “Pimpen” and which MC is
the “Dopest.” They also might discuss
what to do when the “pigs try to get at ya.”
A popular suggestion is to “drop it like it’s
hot.” There is nothing like having student
and teachers bond over some funky fresh
lyrics and some sick beats.
Critics of the new program have said
that it violates student’s privacy rights,
but those have been ignored because
students do not have privacy rights and
the people bringing the complaints looked
funny. There is nothing more American
then trampling on the rights of people
who look funny and then ignoring them.
Parents both supported the new policy
and opposed it. However, due to a
computer issue, their statistics gathered
from the poll were lost in a convenient
computer accident. Therefore it can be
concluded that some parents might have
some opinions on some parts of this issue.
T h a n k yo u t o o u r S p o n s o r s :
Marty Frazier The LCHS English Department
Theresa and Rich Meyer Infinite Events
The Hines Family The Showalter Family
LCHS DECA
Jo Lynn and Michael O’Malley
Alene Zander Drs. Wesley and Cora Stone
Kristine Mietzner Want to Sponsor the LC Journal? Visit the LC Journal page via
www.lctigers.com or email: [email protected]