The mother of all friendships

Shouldmumsanddaughters
be best
pals or isit a recipefor disaster?
WORDSPatricia
Carswel
I
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Dond .
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l l ' w i t hh e r
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I becominghermother's
d a r r p h l c rR
s e a r r ' cae. d F r r o c n i eL,o
corfidante,
untiltherolessriftenrirely
I i n d s a y- o ^ a n a r d h e ' m r n t u m b l i n g
a friendratherthan
: andshebecomes
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oh
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u t L 4 l L U 4 t y u L _ - . . . . - . o. . o .
a daughLer.
Acco'drng
to Dr Poulrer,
it ^appe^sacross
al socialanc
ecor-o'rc gro-ps,a-d ,sequaly
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commonin single-parent
families
andin
l h o c p w h c r e l h e n a r c n r s : r c s t , l lt n o e l h c r
Sowhythe newpallytrend?'lnthe
previous
generation,
mothers
weremuch
stricter,
andthe relationships
wereoften
morestrained,'
pointsout Dr Poulter.
'So
now thesedaughters
aremothers
themselves,
theytethinking
thatin order
to avoidthe kindof relationship
they
hadwiththeirmums,they'llbe their
da,rshter's
- * " b ' ' " best
_ " Thpv
' r rron't
'
want
" _ " ' friend
t n h c t h p h : d c n n t h c v d n n ' l W a n Lt o
bethedisciplinarian.'
Ourobsession
withyouthcouldalso
comeintoit, especially
giventhatmothers
areoftennearing
menopause
astheir
daughters
areblossominghang'ng
arouldwrrhthemandevenwear.ng
their
clothescouldbeanaftenprLoclingonro
n . r T v n rr - h ' l t t r h p D e t p rD : - s v r l l r g T n g f 6 r
woren, saysDr Poulter.'There
isa "we'e
now"cu'ture,
a I leelagers
wherethere
arelessdefiniteboundaries
between
the
ernerging
aduitandtheadult,'adds
Dr Pat
founderof theparenting
Spungin,
website
wwwraisingkids.co.uk
andauthorof
Haynes'
Ihe Teenager
Manual(L1499).
Crossing
the line
A motherdescribing
herdaughter
as
herbestfriendmayinitially
soundrather
touching.
But,saysDr Spungin,
thiskindof
relarionship
nuddiestqewalerstreadirg
oveTsomeimportant
boundaries.'The
^."^^,
A-.
d
r" u^ rl s^
-. ,k^.f,,,1r
oJ u rc 4uurLi
^-^^-i.ll.,
s5PcltdtLy
wirhyoungtee-agers,
whichrsvery
diffe'enrfroma "bestaiend"role,'she
says.
'The
motherhasto standfor responsibilitil
andhaveauthoriq/.
Yourbestfrienddoesnt
judgeyou;yourbestfrienddoesn't
takea
viewon yoursmoking
or yourdrinking
or
yourprorniscuity,
butyourmothershould.'
aaoooooaa
oa a aaaaaoaaooa
Havinga rnateymum can havea
numberof effectson a youngdaughter
'With
the bestfriendmotherit'snot
reallyaboutthechild it'saboutthe
g c r'l ' n
rrin ntrcdc mcl
' 'gb h e' T n
""'
l - ) r P n r r l f p r f - - n ro v r m n l o
cho r
mnther
c:\/c
- , , - , n a ye ' a
u
',b
ph' e 'd
' sh e 'e m o r i o n a
. - *a
" br s L t ea
" T o --' s i r
support,
whichmeansthechildhaslost
he''notherf'sure.'That
canleavethe
readi-gto
daughrer
feeling
abandoned,
internal
rage,whichmaymanifest
in
self-destructive
behaviour
suchas
addiction,'he
adds.And if nobodyever
says'no',
rhebrakes
a'eoF whenir
comesto wildbehaviour.
And havinga pallyparentcanleadto
long-term
problems.'lf
you neverdid
yourhomework
anddroppedout of
you didn'thaveenough
schoolbecause
parental
guidance,
you mayfindyourself
in your20swondering
whyyoutestuck
i ' a d e a d - e ^,do b , ' s a yDsr S p u n g , P
n .l u s
youngpeopreneecspaceto ceverop
theirown personalities,
whichcanbe
difficult
if theirmotherisoneof their
Facebook
friends.
A motherneedsto
respect
herposition
with herdaughter
Theteenageyearsarea periodof
yourself
defining
asdifferent
fromthe
a d u l t isn y o r ' l i f e ,p o i n t o
s u t D rS p u n g
n.
'Mum
shouldalsodevelopherown life
apartfromherchildren
ratherthan
clinging
on to them.'
Puttingyour foot down
go'ngtoo farrheotherway
O'course,
andbeconi^ga strictd sciplir-a'ian
canbe equally
damaging
to the
motherdaughter
relationship,
potentially
leading
to children
becoming
fearfulor
rebellious.
Sohowdoesa motherstrikea
balance
between
fun andopenness
on
a a a aaoaoa
ltaaaaaoaoaa
theone hand,andsolidadviceand
boundaries
on theother?'lts
definitely
possible
to be closeasmotherand
daughtet'says
Dr Spungin.'You
cango
shopping
together,
andto thecinema,
andenjoya lot of otherpleasurable
laa
:.
iv Lc( h' r' hc kev ic -n
n Starl
^.^+^^ri^h.+,,^,,'-^
^
- r
prerencng +rlar
youre a- i -so
a
ree-ager
Anddon'tunburden
yourself
emotionally
on yourcqiidre-if you'rehaving
relationship
problems,
especially
if it!
in the relationship
withtheirfather.'
But
don'tbeatyourselfup if you don'talways
get.r right- helpi^gyourchrldnegotiare
the upsanddownsof theformative
yearsca^ be incredibly
challenging,
a-d .cncnh^r
^ n m r r m i s n e r f e c t l@
How to set the
balance;ight
-l Be
clearaboutyour rulesand boundaries.By all
I meansnegotiatewith your daughterin the first place
and listento what shehasto say,but oncethe rulesare
agreed,stickto them.
your daughtertstatusasthe young person
Respect
I
/-inthe household.Lether do typicalteenagethings
withoutjoining in. lf she'suncomfortablewith you being
mateswith her friends,be preparedto back off.
your own socialnetwork.lf your daughter
Establish
Q
J is your only friend,it can becomea burdenfor
her.And it'salso healthierfor you to havea life that's
independentfrom hers.
Keepcertainpartsof your life private.Don'tconfide
,zl
-T
in her aboutyour intimaterelationshipor sexual
problems- it couldend up makingherfeelcompromised
and embarrassed.
q Lether go. Howevercloseyou are,the time will come
J for your daughterto leavehome.Don'tmakeher feel
guilty for moving ouq instead,be glad that you've raised
her to be an independentyoungwoman.
t aaaaaoaooa
Be mentor, not mate
LauraHargreaves,43,
hasconsciously
developeda more conventionalmother-child
relationshipwith her 14-year-olddaughter,Miriam.Heresheexplainshow it works:
Iwoulddescribe
\ A /ith Miriam,I suppose
V V myselfasa mentor;guideand rolemodel.
I do seemyselfasherfriend,too, but ifs a
differentrolefrom the one I havewith friends
o my own age.With my friends,I mightoffer
= advice,but I wouldn'tnecessarily
seemy roleas
helpingto shapethemfor the future- whereas
I
I
I do seethatasmy parentalresponsibility.
I
And of courseI don'tdiscipline
my best
friends.but I needto helpMiriamlearnto
makethe right choices,and realisethereare
z
ifyou makebadones.At the same
consequences
E
t
I
time,I thinkMiriamand I havea verycloseand
lovingrelationship.
We havefun together:we
likegoingshoppingandgoingoutfor pizza.
'But
somethingsareoff-limits.
Sharing
clothesisone.I thinka lot of mothersare
tryingto holdon to theiryouthby doingthat
- it'saboutthem.AlthoughMiriamt into the
retro look and hasoulledout old stufffrom
my wardrobe,I would neverwearanythingof
hers,it wouldjust be totallyinappropriate.
'lf I
wastoo strict,it wouldn'twork either,as
Miriammightend up keepingthingsfrom me.
As it is,shel very openwith me and tells
me aboutoroblems
that herfriendsare
having,too. lf I wasa tyrant,shewouldn'tfeel
at easewith me. In her groupof friendsl'm
knownasthe mostfun mum,whichmakesme
reallyhappy.Shesaysl'm the mum that they
think they couldconfidein. I wasflatteredby
that.I mustbe doingsomething
right!'
135