why are women so confusing to men?

Transcription

how porn affects wives
single, with honour
Newsstand Price CDN $4.95
may – june 2010
why are women so
confusing to men?
Sea of Galilee
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contents
may – june, 2010
may – june 2010
Newsstand Price CDN
$4.95
on the cover
why are women so
confusing to men?
how porn affects
wives
single, with hono
ur
14–24
SEVEN wonders about women
Women play a major role in the lives of almost every man.
It all begins with mother, of course. After that, it gets more complicated.
This edition of SEVEN helps to unravel at least some of the mysteries
surrounding the women in our lives.
features
14 Why men find women confusing
The co-author of Men are Like Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti
offers insight, advice and perspective.
16 Strike back at porn
Two Canadian Christian women share their stories. How can a fiancée
or wife become a man’s “biggest ally” in his battle with porn?
19 It’s enough to make you weep
Two of Promise Keepers’ biggest fans are women.
Publisher: Brian Koldyk
Managing Editor: Doug Koop
Pulse Editor: Robert White
advertising account executives:
WILLIAM LEIGHTON: [email protected]
DARRELL FRIESEN: [email protected]
JIM HICKS: [email protected]
Unless otherwise indicated, neither
ChristianWeek nor Promise Keepers Canada
guarantee, warrant, or endorse any product,
program, or service advertised.
editorial advisory board
KIRK GILES: Promise Keepers Canada
JEFF STEARNS: Promise Keepers Canada
PHIL WAGLER: Kingsfield Zurich MC
SANDRA REIMER: Reimer Reason Communications
DOUG KOOP: ChristianWeek
Distributed by
20 How to raise your daughters well
Stephen Arterburn shares seven ideas for fathers who want to
raise great daughters.
22 Single, with honour
A single man discusses what it means to be honourable in his
relationships with women.
promise keepers canada
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ISSN 1916-8403
24 Mothers, wives and daughters
Jarome Iginla and Bruxy Cavey talk about the women in their lives.
Cover: iStockphoto (base image)
25 Man Talk
Who’s spotting for you?
columns
departments
5 PK Podium
Honour the women in your life
6 Sex Talk
Bring on the boundaries
26 Money Matters
Need a money makeover?
27 Out of My Depth
The silence of Adam
8-12 Pulse
Curious events. Interesting
people. Good ideas.
12 Reviews
Confront crazy world creatively
28 Power Play
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34 What Women Want
The control charade
SEVEN is a Christian magazine
for Canadian men that exists
to help men lead more fulfilling
lives and leave enduring legacies.
The name reflects the seven
promises that form the basis of the
Promise Keepers organization,
which works with churches to
minister to men across Canada.
one – A Promise Keeper is
committed to honouring Jesus
Christ through worship, prayer, and
obedience to God's word in the
power of the Holy Spirit.
two – A Promise Keeper is
committed to pursuing vital
relationships with a few other men,
understanding that he needs
brothers to help him keep his
promises.
three – A Promise Keeper is
committed to practising spiritual,
moral, ethical, and sexual purity.
four – A Promise Keeper is
committed to building strong
marriages and families through
love, protection, and biblical
values.
six – A Promise Keeper is
committed to reaching beyond any
racial and denominational barriers
to demonstrate the power of
biblical unity.
five – A Promise Keeper is
committed to supporting the
mission of the church by honouring
and praying for his pastor, and by
actively giving his time and
resources.
seven – A Promise Keeper is
committed to influencing his world,
being obedient to the Great
Commandment (see Mark 12:30-31)
and the Great Commission
(see Matt 28:19-20).
seven – issue twelve may–june 2010 page 3
What is
Discipleship Training
Unleashed
Unleashed
A weekend retreat where you can experience in-depth training
to discover how to become a better equipped Godly man.
Four different weekend retreats:
1: Biblical Manhood
2: Sexual Purity
3: Better Husbands
4: Better Fathers
One on One leadership coaching from experienced and wise men of God.
Peer mentoring with other men on the same journey as you are.
A smaller more focused event – limited to approximately 50 participants
with small groups of up to only 8 – participants build meaningful relationships with each other and with the Promise Keepers Canada leaders.
Do you have a desire to grow deeper in your faith?
Do you want to learn more about the key areas of a man’s life?
Go to www.promisekeepers.ca
or phone toll-free 1-888-901-9700
for information on a weekend
retreat taking place near you
PK Podium
Honour the women in your life
The way men treat women is a picture of our own attitude towards God.
by Kirk Giles
A common question I receive during
media interviews usually goes something
like this, “Why a ministry for men? What
about the women?”
As I talk further with these reporters,
it does not take long to recognize a couple
of similarities: it is almost always a woman
asking the question and she is usually
asking because she was, at some point,
emotionally or physically hurt by a man
in her life.
The way many men have treated
women as objects for personal pleasure,
or as emotional or physical punching bags,
provides a legitimate reason for people
to have concerns about any organization
that works solely with men. What are we
teaching these men?
In this edition of SEVEN, we hope to
answer that question by encouraging
and challenging us as men to better
understand and honour the women in
our lives. Honour is not only the absence
of doing harm to women; it is the
presence of doing good.
I have the privilege
of knowing three
remarkable women
who have and are
shaping my own life.
My mom has taught
me how to persevere
and remain faithful
to Christ. My wife,
Shannon, is the
perfect partner in
life for me. I do not
have enough space
to describe what a
gifted and loving
person she is.
My daughter, Sydney, touches my heart
and lights up my life with her smile.
It is easy for me to get busy with life
or to get frustrated with personality
differences and to take these three and
other women for granted. Sometimes,
it is easier for men to live in their own
world and not even attempt to really
relate to, much less honour, the women
in their lives.
However, God calls us to action.
Honour is the action of revering or
respecting someone for who they are.
In the Bible, we are specifically called to
honour our mother (Ephesians 6:2) and
our wife (1 Peter 3:7). Just in case we are
tempted to only honour our mom and wife,
we are ultimately called to honour
everyone (1 Peter 2:17). This is not limited
to our anniversary or Mother’s Day. It is to
be a constant way of life.
Ultimately, the way men honour and
respect (or don’t) women, is a picture of
our own attitude towards God. In Genesis,
we are told that male and female are made
in the image of God. When we honour the
women God has brought into our lives,
we are acknowledging the reality that
they were also created to reflect God
to this world.
At Promise Keepers Canada, it is our
hope that by working with men, not only
will women be free from men who abuse
and use them, but that women all across
this nation will experience men who
intentionally honour them.
Kirk Giles is president of Promise Keepers Canada.
He and Shannon have been married for 15 years.
They are the parents of four children, ages 7-14.
sex talk
Bring on the boundaries
Healthy limits can protect vulnerable relationships
by Doug Weiss
Recently I picked up my 16-year-old
daughter’s cell phone and found some
sexually explicit text messages on it.
When I confronted her it didn’t go well.
I want to take the phone from her.
What should I do?
The prevalence of “sexting”
inappropriate communication and
pictures is a huge problem in junior high
and high school everywhere. But don’t go
down the “I am a mean dad” road on this
one.
Outline the boundaries of how your
daughter can use the phone (that you pay
for) such as: no boys you don’t know, no
boys over a certain age, no bullying texts,
no sex texts or sex pictures or porn of any
kind. Have her sign off on these
boundaries and together create
consequences that should include not
using the phone for a period of time.
Also outline what your protocol will
be if sexual content is exchanged, such
as contacting the school, the other
person’s parents, meeting those parents
and confronting the issue. Know your
legal options as a dad (call the police
department for information) and exercise
your rights if the sexual messages do
not desist.
I am a dad of a beautiful 15-year-old
and all technology in our house including
cell phones, television and computer
games has boundaries and is earned
by appropriate grades. Privileges are
lost if there are infractions.
Technology is not a right; it is a
privilege. If the privilege is abused,
call the phone company and cancel your
child’s number or account. You must
especially protect your young daughter
from boys who are looking at porn more
than ever. She needs a dad who is not
afraid of her rage and who does not mind
if she doesn’t like you for a while in order
to protect her purity and future.
I encourage all of us to pray that God
would expose our children’s secrets
before they get to be real pain for them.
Prayer does still work!
On our honeymoon I found out my wife
had been sexually abused as a child.
It really affected things in the bedroom.
How can we begin to deal with this?
As a man you probably feel angry,
betrayed and hurt that she didn’t tell you
about this until your honeymoon. Once
you get through some of these feelings
and compassion fills your heart for the
woman you love (who didn’t ask to be
hurt) then your journey begins.
In counselling we ask, “Who owns the
problem?” Unfortunately the victim of
abuse (and I am one) has to take full
responsibility to heal, full responsibility
not to allow the enemy to define their
sexuality and fully go through the healing
process to be the person God designed
them to be.
Depending on when the abuse started,
who the perpetrator was and how often
this occurred there can be significant
damage. Damage control is what God
does. He is also good at healing. I
recommend she get professional help
from a Christian counsellor. Wherever you
go, be supportive and insist that healing
is part of your new marriage story that the
two of you are writing with the Lord.
My 15-year-old daughter is way too
clingy with her boyfriend in public. It
makes me nervous about what they are
like in private. My wife thinks they are
fine. I’m going to have a heart attack.
Leave it alone or do something?
Every man wants to harm his
daughter’s boyfriend when he sees this
behaviour. But let’s first take a look at
how you relate to your daughter.
How often does she get real emotional
affirmation about who she is, not just
how pretty she is? How well do you
know your daughter’s heart? How
involved are you in her life? Do you know
her core friends?
What are your family’s expectations
for dating? Does she decide when and
who she goes out with or do you both
decide? Does the boy need to meet you?
Are there established timelines for
physical affection? Do you talk to the
boy and make him accountable to you
for these expectations or is it up to your
daughter to decide how far boys go?
Most dads fail on the first part, then
expect to compensate later. Date your
daughter. Share your feelings regularly
so she gets used to a healthy man.
Pray with her regularly.
And it is totally appropriate to talk to
the young man directly and lay out
expectations. Limit private time. You’re
still the parent.
As a dad, you will be hated at times
and that’s okay. Your daughter needs
your protection but also your love,
encouragement and hugs. She needs
you to pray with her. Showing her what
a man is becomes way more important
than punching out a consequence for
her choices because she is attracted to
weak men. Be aware of her experiences
with you.
First look at your own life, connect
with her heart, establish boundaries
and expectations. Expect some conflict,
pray really hard. It’s not a bad idea to
pray with the boyfriend, either.
Douglas Weiss, Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist
and Executive Director of Heart to Heart
Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, CO.
He has appeared on Oprah, Dr. Phil and many
other national media outlets. Contact him
by e-mail at [email protected] or visit his
website at www.drdougweiss.com.
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P ro m i s
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www.PromiseKeepers.ca
for Promise Keepers clothing, men's ministry
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s
pulse
Curiousities. Personalities.
Ideas. Information.
by Robert White PULSE Editor
ORA AND LABORA IN THE 21ST CENTURY
Kirk Bartha has taken the rhythms of prayer and work (ora
and labora) found in the ancient monasteries of Europe and
applied them to 21st century living. In his book Clairvaux
Manifesto, Bartha writes how Bernard of Clairvaux founded the
Cistercians—an order of monks who didn’t hide in their abbeys.
Instead they developed skilled trades and agriculture, opened
hospices and took part in international banking—systems which
helped Europe pull out of the Dark Ages.
“It wasn’t about cloister,” says Bartha. “It was about likeminded men and women who decided to walk a spiritual path
when all Christians thought it was the end of the world. Bernard
went upstream, into the darkest corners of the deepest forest
to create abbeys of prayer and work. Some scholars argue
that the Cistercians saved Europe.”
Bartha’s begun by creating what the monks’ called a “circle
of quiet within the clamour of evil” (Psalm 94:12). His Canmore,
Alberta open-concept home features both an open space where
family comes first, and a place of rest and peace open to the
community-at-large.
“Where there are circles of quiet…where there’s peace in the
home front, the peace of God moves out like a supernova into
the community,” says Bartha a former pastor and staff member
with the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association of Canada.
Bartha’s also created a vision for modern-day “cities of
refuge” based on the monks’ vow of charity, which was more
about pooling
resources
together than
living in poverty.
“All these men
pooled their lives
and resources
together and
welcomed the
poor into [their]
midst,” says
Bartha. He envisions “hundreds and thousands of men in
Canada, with all kinds of different skills and expertise, levels
of income and experience, pooling together their hearts,
prayers, work and pennies to work in ways that are just as
big as our gathering.”
Through his work as CEO of Calgary’s Woodthorpe Petroleum,
Bartha launched Clairvaux Ventures. Now he’s developing
partnerships—the CEO of a British philanthropy program, a
banker in Hong Kong, a businessman in Newfoundland—to
“change the fabric of society.
“Some can bury their heads in the sand and wait for the end
of the world if they want to. That's not my call. I’m going to build
circles of quiet, abbeys of prayer and work and whole cities of
refuge,” says Bartha.
TALKING TO KIDS ABOUT SEX OFTEN MOM’S JOB
Despite decades of feminism and co-parenting, men
grappling with diaper changes and night feedings, moms are
often the ones who end up having the sex talk. Often it’s
because they’re the parent who spends the most time with the
children.
“If there is a woman in the household, she takes over that
part of the parenting,” says Andrea O’Reilly, associate professor
at the School of Women’s Studies at York University and founder
and director of the Association for Research on Mothering.
Women are typically the family CEO, in charge of
remembering who got which shots and setting up play dates.
Having “the talk” falls into that realm.
“The talk is part of a larger paradigm of gender. Until we
dislodge that, women will probably be the ones to have ‘the
talk.’ I try to de-gender caregiving, but it’s a hard sell,” O’Reilly
says.
She believes “the talk” is declining in importance in any case.
“We live in such a sex-saturated culture. Kids know about sex
long before children 10, 20, 30 years ago did,” O’Reilly says.
She sees the information she’s given to her three teenagers
as part of an ongoing discussion about sex that takes place
whenever the moments arise. Sometimes those moments occur
when her partner is in charge, and then he does the explaining.
“You have to create a household where kids feel comfortable
coming to you to ask questions,” she says. O’Reilly says she and
her partner have created a household where “we talk about sex
and sexuality the way we talk about politics or the news.”
(www.parentcentral.ca)
Kirk Bartha
Photo: Robert White
EDMONTON RECORDS A GOLDEN FLUSH
Paul Henderson knows where he’s going
WHERE WAS HENDERSON WHEN SID THE KID SCORED?
Sidney Crosby’s gold-medal winning goal has become this
generation’s equivalent to Paul Henderson’s Canada-Russia
series-winning goal in 1972. And when Henderson is asked
where he was when Crosby scored, he’ll have a unique answer.
Henderson didn’t even see Crosby’s goal, reported the
Toronto Star. He had to hear about it from someone attending
the marriage conference that he and his wife Eleanor were
leading in Victoria.
Henderson missed the first period of the game because of a
session, but managed to catch the second and third. Overtime
just happened to coincide with the next session.
“I had to go speak, but I told the audience that if anybody had
an iPod or anything, if Canada scores just yell it out,” he told the
Star. “So about 15 minutes into the talk, a guy jumps up and
says Crosby scored. The place just went nuts and for the first
time in my life I led the singing of O Canada.”
Henderson, 67, is still asked about The Goal—although there
was a time when he didn’t appreciate the fame. After jumping to
the World Hockey Association, Henderson moved to
Birmingham, Alabama where he intended to stay after retiring.
But Henderson wasn’t able to get a U.S. work permit. He
moved back to Canada when he realized God was telling him
how his fame could open doors to ministry and witness.
Henderson took The Goal and the experience of a weekly
gathering of men for sharing, discipline and mentoring and
translated them into ministry to men in Canada.
In November 2009, Henderson was diagnosed with an
incurable form of lymphoma. In a December 2009 interview on
“The Drew Marshall Show,” Henderson said the diagnosis has
helped make the trivial and the important in his life “crystal
clear.” He also said despite the cancer “there’s this wonderful
inner quietness and peace that I don’t have to fear the future.
I know exactly where I’m going.”
Edmonton’s water utility, EPCOR, published an incredible
graph of water use after the Vancouver Olympics. With up to 80
per cent of Canadians watching the men’s gold medal match on
the last Sunday of the Games, it seems most waited until the
breaks between periods to go to the bathroom or get a drink of
water.
The city saw major spikes and drops in water use during the
game. While the game was being played, water use dropped.
During period breaks and after the medal ceremony water use
went up as viewers turned on the taps or flushed, says Mike
Gibbs, EPCOR spokesman.
During the periods, “consumption was very, very low, much
lower than it is normally,” he said. “It shows people are
watching the game very intently.”
When Sidney Crosby scored the winning goal, sealing the
deal on Canada’s gold medal glory, water demand reached a
low of 320 ml per customer and stayed there during the medal
ceremony. The day before, water demand hovered above 400 ml
per customer.
After the medal ceremony, water use spiked drastically to
460 ml as spectators whet their whistles, relieved themselves or
finally got to that load of laundry, Gibbs says.
(www.patspapers.com, www.theglobeandmail.com)
pulse
GOLD MEDAL GAME DELAYED FLIGHT
Only in Canada would a flight get delayed for a hockey game,
Air Canada president Calin Rovinescu told a Vancouver business
gathering. One of his company’s scheduled flights sat on the
tarmac as passengers finished watching the men’s gold medal
match between Canada and the U.S. on the final day of the
Olympic Games.
He says travellers on the Montreal-bound flight couldn’t be
persuaded to board the plane while play continued. Instead, they
watched the game on airport departure screens.
Passengers on board Air Canada flights around the world
during the Canada-U.S. showdown were updated of the score by
the flight crew, who received real-time updates from operations
control.
FINDING BALANCE CAMPUS MINISTER’S BIGGEST
CHALLENGE
Photo: Courtesy Steve Strongitharm
The greatest challenge for Steve Strongitharm, Campus for
Christ Ottawa campus director, is the same many men have:
finding the right balance between family, work and ministry.
Strongitharm’s been involved with campus ministry since his
days as a university student in the late 1990s. He began working
for Campus for Christ about six years ago, spending his first
three years between York University and the University of Toronto.
Three years ago he moved to Ottawa to minister on the
campuses of Carleton University and the University of Ottawa.
“Our vision is to equip students as spiritual multipliers,”
says Strongitharm. “And to give every student an opportunity
to discover Christ, whether on a mass level, focussed on
specific students such as engineers or business students,
or one-on-one.”
Strongitharm and his team meet with Christian students and
get to know their friends, look for people on campus to talk to or
create events for sharing the message of Christ. One of the more
popular events was a campus-wide debate in September 2009
on the topic “Does God exist?”
“Between the two campuses we had 1,300 students come
to hear the debate,” says Strongitharm. “There’s a real spiritual
interest. Students, in general, have many misconceptions
about Christianity. When we talk about the Bible of the gospel,
students’ understanding is different from what our
understanding may be. We’re not going into a conversation
with the assumption they know who Jesus is or have a
strong personal belief in God’s existence.”
Working full time to reach students on two campuses often
University chaplain Steve Strongitharm connecting
with one of his team members
stretches Strongitharm—especially in the area of balance.
He and his wife, Robyn, like to involve the students they’re
working with in their life—so the students can see them as a
family. That experience often helps the students understand
why the father of two (with a third on the way) schedules
appointments the way he does.
“It continues to be a challenge to figure out where that
balance lies,” says Strongitharm. “It’s one I’m still learning
but I’ve learned a lot in the past five or six years. God’s been
teaching me and I’ve found a healthier balance right now.”
MOVEIN COMMUNITIES LOVE THEIR NEIGHBOURS
Groups of Christians are intentionally moving into high-needs
neighbourhoods with the goal of loving their neighbours,
praying and impacting their communities for Christ.
MoveIn (www.movein.to) operates in some 42 “patches”—
some of the country’s poorest neighbourhoods. Many are in
Toronto, although there are also MoveIn communities in
Edmonton, Mississauga and Ottawa.
MoveIn teams are generally young—recent graduates,
young couples, students and young families. According to its
website, the main commitment of a MoveIn team is to pray
together for a full evening per week. They express love to their
neighbours by integrating “work, shopping, walking, home life;
and, in reaching out, a ‘cup of cold water’ in one hand, and the
good news in the other.”
MoveIn focuses on unreached and high-needs
neighbourhoods—usually apartment-building clusters in
and around cities. These “patches” are usually no bigger than
500 by 500 metres in area. (Some are 200 by 200 metres with
as many as 10,000 people living in the area.) The size of
these patches means everything is within walking distance.
Potential “patches” are gauged by economic (e.g.,
percentage below the poverty line), familial (e.g., domestic
violence rates), social (e.g., community spirit, safety, crime
rates, gang activity), environmental (e.g., pollution levels,
cleanliness) and spiritual needs.
“It isn’t a program or a project,” says MoveIn founder
“Paul” (name has been changed), in a MB Herald interview.
“It’s not some experience, then you go back to your normal lives.
MoveIn is our new lives.
“It’s time for Christians to move into neighbourhoods
because they aren’t safe—to move into neighbourhoods that
are messy and have high crime rates, high poverty rates,
low standards of living and a disproportionate representation
of Christ,” says Paul.
“It’s always been my ambition to preach the gospel where
Christ wasn’t known, so I wouldn’t be building on someone
else’s foundation.”
MARRIAGE HELPS MEN COPE WITH HEALTH ISSUES
Married men cope with health issues better than single
men because “marriage protects them against such shocks,”
reports a new Canadian study. In looking at Statistics Canada
data on Canadian households between 1999 and 2002,
University of British Columbia researchers found that when
a husband’s ill health affects his ability to earn a salary,
his wife steps in to fill the gap.
What surprised the researchers was how the wives
responded. Wives didn’t do the expected: work longer hours
to replace lost of income. Instead they offered what UBC
economics professor and lead researcher Giovanni Gallipoli
called additional “caring services” at home. These included
freeing their husbands from looking after savings and
investments and driving the children to various activities.
“If a health shock affects the labour supply of the main earner,
the second earner could go to the market and work more to bring
more money to the house,” Gallipoli told the Vancouver Sun.
“But we don’t find that.”
And instead of forcing a couple to make do with less, the
findings showed these “caring services” created their own
financial reward. “In the long run,” Gallipoli says, “their human
Amazing works of
God’s power are
manifested today!
(www.canadianchristianity.com)
capital will appreciate and there’s more money in the household,
so it’s beneficial to both parties.”
The study also found a connection between a man’s health
and the importance he places on marriage.
“Men at high risk of receiving idiosyncratic shocks,” the report
notes, “value marriage early in life, when they’re poor in assets
and human capital, while all men value marriage at the late
stages of their working life as they approach retirement and
periods of high health risk.”
(Today’s Family News/Focus on the Family, Canada)
LET KIDS DECIDE THEIR AFTER-SCHOOL ACTIVITIES
Parents often hope that with the right training, their kids can
become world-class athletes or entertainers. But Montreal child
psychologist Amir Georges Sabongui believes parents really may
be contributing to burnout and depression.
In a National Post article, Sabongui says parents need to take
the pressure off their children to be the best they can in an
extracurricular activity they don’t enjoy. Instead parents need to
let kids decide what they want to do.
“It’s good to be well-rounded, but it’s not their duty to excel in
areas they may not have aptitudes for,” says Sabongui, who
specializes in burnout.
Over half the children Sabongui treats suffer from burnout
and anxiety caused by pressure from parents. In some cases,
this leads to depression.
Sabongui also warns that if parents push their kids too hard,
“they just give up. If they’re afraid of underperforming in the
least bit, they won’t participate at all.”
Anita Kuntz, a children’s music teacher in Saskatoon, also
cautions that when children get involved in too many activities,
they’re unable to devote the time and discipline required to
become good at any of them.
“We’re creating a society where kids are exposed to so much
they’ll be masters of none,” Kuntz says.
Vancouver child sports injury specialist Dr. Shelina Babul
warns parents that when children feel pressured to excel at an
activity they’re not interested in, they’ll end up hating it. But if
they enjoy the activity and want to learn and improve, they’ll
more readily get involved.
(Today’s Family News/Focus on the Family, Canada)
HOW NOT TO DREAD MONDAYS
Dan Miller, a career expert, is great at improving career
opportunities. His latest book, No More Dreaded Mondays, is
designed to help readers find opportunities to make their
careers more meaningful. Here’s a snippet of his advice from an
interview posted on www.newmanmag.com:
“We’re not going to see this expectation where you stay at
your job for 30 years, get a gold watch and retire. If you look at
the statistics, the average person between the ages of 18 and
42 will have 10.8 jobs. The average length of time a person in
their 20s keeps a job is 13 months. Your career path no longer
means looking for the perfect job and staying there forever.
Because of this volatility it is imperative you have a clear
understanding of what strengths you have. That allows you to
have a compass even while things are changing repeatedly.
From a Christian perspective, there are three terms we
generally use interchangeably that are actually different: calling,
career and job. Your calling is the big picture, what you feel
called to do. If you want to leave the world a better place, if you
want to help ease pain and suffering, that’s a calling.
Your career is a subset of your calling. It’s a way of working
out your calling as a doctor, sports trainer, massage therapist,
teacher, pastor or whatever. Your job is the smallest component.
Your job should never change your calling. You have to
remain confident. I work with a lot of pastors who are frustrated
by the unrealistic demands placed on them. They say, ‘I’m
about to have a nervous breakdown, but I can’t walk away from
my calling.’ My question is: What is your specific calling? If you
are called to work with the downhearted, can we come up with
other ways to do that that won’t leave you burned out? It’s
about understanding your calling and finding different ways of
applying that calling.”
Find out more about Dan Miller and No More Dreaded
Mondays at 48days.com.
(www.newmanmag.com)
reviews
Confront crazy world creatively
DAUGHTERS GONE WILD:
DADS GONE CRAZY
By Charles Stone and Heather Stone
Charles Stone was a diligent dad and
his parenting skills worked just fine for
two of his children. But not with Heather.
About the time she turned 13 she began
running wild, causing troubles of all sorts
and leaving heartache in her wake. They
eventually got through it, and Heather is a
co-author of this book that shares nine
key relationship lessons they learned
through bitter experience. Each chapter
contains separate sections for dads and
daughters and countless tidbits of advice
for each on things they can do to improve
their relationship. There are no
guarantees of
happy endings,
but the
relational life
preservers
offered in this
book will
certainly
increase the
odds for those
who take them
to heart and put
them into
practice.
WHAT YOUR SON ISN’T TELLING YOU:
UNLOCKING THE SECRET WORLD OF
TEEN BOYS
By Michael Ross and Susie Schellenberger
Coming of age is a difficult time for
many emerging men—and also for their
parents. How is it possible for a houseful
of people to love each other so much, yet
at times feel as if they can’t stand each
other? What does it take for an insecure
boy to become a real man of God? What’s
happening in his life? Why do sane guys
keep doing crazy things? And what can be
done about it? Ross and Schellenberger
help readers understand how teen boys
feel as they navigate puberty and
adolescence, contending with the often
conflicting demands of peers, church,
school and home. They survey a vast
array of battlefields and dispense many
items practical
advice—what
to watch for,
and how to
respond. “God
won’t hold you
responsible for
all your son’s
actions,” they
write. “But He
will hold you
accountable
for the way you
relate to him
as a parent.”
GOD DOES NOT… ENTERTAIN, PLAY
“MATCHMAKER,” HURRY, DEMAND
BLOOD, CURE EVERY ILLNESS
Edited by D. Brent Laytham
The six authors of God Does Not begin
by observing that God does all things well,
but people have a lot of misperceptions
about the ways He works. The writers,
who are deeply convinced that God acts
like Jesus rather than Superman, address
five plausibly Christian expressions of
what God does in the world, and reveal
them as distortions. The frenetic pace of
daily life, for example, is not particularly
godly. God
does not hurry.
Nor does He
promise
Christian
couples a
perfect
romance with
clear sailing
through years
of ever
deepening
love for each
other. This is
not the
experience of most people. Christian
marriage is not a fairy tale. It’s a chance
“to look death in the eye and choose to
love anyway.” The book offers nuanced
arguments that challenge some
contemporary beliefs that are as
dangerously comfortable in the church as
they are in the culture.
MAJESTY IN MOTION: CREATING AN
ENCOURAGING CULTURE IN ALL
YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
By Stewart Brown
We all need encouragement in some
measure, and everybody thrives in its
presence. Canadian pastor and educator
Stewart Brown is a well-practiced
encourager who believes we need to be
more intentional in the way we
understand ourselves and support those
around us. Majesty in Motion is a how-to
manual pointing the way to Christian joy,
personal peace and productive
relationships. Real encouragement
literally gives courage: it strengthens the
heart. It also is willing to draw alongside a
person in order to help, and it offers an
aspect of inspiration. It is hopeful.
Intentionally seeking to understand
others as God
understands
them is a key first
step. Ultimately it
builds great
friendships.
“Whatever a
person believes
or thinks, he or
she needs to
experience an
undeniable sense
of feeling at home
in your presence.”
Now, that’s
encouraging.
features
there goes another flowe
by Bill Farrel
Why
men
find
WO
men
conF
USing
The differences may drive
us crazy, but it also builds
our character
“…in the image of God He created them,
male and female He created them”
(Genesis 1:27). Have you ever wondered
what was on God’s mind when He created
women? They can enhance and confuse
our lives all at the same time. I believe
most men have given up on the notion of
fully understanding the women God has
placed in their lives. We all ask, “What am
I supposed to do with them?”
In so many ways, God made women
different from us, even though both
testosterone and estrogen affect every cell
in our bodies. For instance, your brain is
larger than your wife’s but the part of her
brain that monitors verbal interaction is
larger. Your daughter has more
connections between the two sides of
her brain than you do, so she uses both
sides anytime she solves a problem.
You, on the other hand, use only one
side of the wrinkled computer for any
specific problem.
Your female friends view most
conversations as recreational activities
rather than strategic pursuits. While you
are busy trying to figure out the main
point, she is simply having fun sharing
what she thinks and feels, the fears that
slow her down and the activities that
make her happy. Her goal is to create
a connection with you. Meanwhile,
you are looking for the answer.
So, what can you do to help these
relationships operate a little more
smoothly? Look for the AHAW in all
your relationships.
Acceptance
Choose an attitude of acceptance
(Romans 15:7). Women are different than
men, period. Adopt this thought: “She
has no choice but to be this way. No
matter how hard I may try to change this,
it will never happen because this is the
way God designed her. It is much smarter
to learn how to adjust and how to work
with this trait.” Everything will seem
easier. You still won’t understand the way
she processes life but you will enjoy her
more.
Hear
Learn to listen with curiosity
(James 1:19). Men tend to listen as
investigators. We want to uncover the
main point and identify the goal of the
conversation. Once we know that, we
want to heroically discover the best
solution for the issue at hand.
She, however, isn’t looking for
solutions most of the time. She is looking
to share her life with those who are
important to her. Therefore, if you are
important to her she wants to connect
as much of her life as she can with you.
One of the main ways she does this is
through conversation. When you solve
the issues as they come up, you interrupt
the process.
However, when you show interest
and listen, the process kicks into gear.
At some point, she will have connected
enough of her life to you that her “trust
switch” gets turned on. When this switch
is activated, she finds it easy to trust you
bet she can still fit in her wedding dress…
i wonder where martha gets her clothes from…
martha always has nice clothes…
i think he doesn’t love me anymore…
i should get some new clothes…
i look old.
bet he doesn't see me anymore…
maybe he thinks I'm fat…
if he loves me, he'd buy me flowers…
er shop…
the last time I bought her flowers, I was accused of being wastful.
i’m not just going to go there. end of story. period.
john, do you think i should go on a diet?
now, where is this going?
john, are you even listening to me?
sorry. what did you say, dear?
never mind! you don’t care anyway.
in just about every area of life.
To listen with curiosity, try these
responses: When you are tempted to say,
“I understand,” respond with “I want to
hear more.” When she changes subjects
quickly, ask her, “How did you do that?”
She will probably ask, “What do you
mean? How did I do what?” Reply,
“How did you jump from one subject to
another so quickly? That was amazing.”
Your interest will impress her and most
likely lead her to share more with you.
Look for the word or phrases that are
“different” from the rest of the
conversation. When you notice an
unusual phrase, ask about it with interest.
For instance, I had the following
conversation with Pam recently.
Pam: “Look at the clothes I got.
My favourite company was having this
great sale so I ordered a number of things.
I got this one for $11. This one was only
$16. I had a hunch I would look really
good in this because it is one of my best
colours and it has a v-neck. You
remember I told you that my body type
works best with clothes that have v’s. It is
different than my sister. She looks best
with ovals, which I think is funny since we
have the same genes but we look best in
different styles. I thought about her
because I was a little afraid I might get in
trouble with you if I bought these clothes
even though they were on sale. I know her
husband would have reacted poorly.
Anyway, I am excited about the pictures
we are going to be taking soon. I have lost
weight so I am feeling pretty good about
myself and I like the way these new
clothes look on me.”
The phrase that stuck out to me was
“I was a little afraid I might get in trouble
with you.” Logically, I knew this was silly.
She is a full adult. I have never micromanaged the way she spends money.
She is free to make her own decisions.
And yet, there was this statement that
made it sound like a young girl being
scolded by her father.
I gave it a try. “Really, you were
afraid you would get in trouble?”
I was amazed at how quickly she
opened up. “Yeah, I knew in my head that
what I was doing was fine but I had this
nagging feeling that you would be upset.
I even know that you are very different than
my dad, but he would have gotten mad
every time. I don’t know why I can’t just get
over this but it hangs around a lot.”
Affection
Express affection when you want to
give answers. It would have been really
easy for me to say to Pam, “I am not your
dad and I am not like your dad. I have
been showing you for 30 years that I will
respect you as a full adult. Will this ever
end?”
I would have been intellectually right
but relationally wrong. What she needed
at the time was reassurance, not reasons.
She already knew it was silly; she didn’t
need to be told. I have learned at
moments of vulnerability like this,
it is better just to give her a hug that
lets her know I am with her in this.
Wisdom
Pray for wisdom everyday (James 1:5).
The One who knows exactly how women
are wired is God Himself and you need
His help. You know how it is when you say
to your daughter, “Honey, you look great.
Is there a reason you are wearing the
green sweater rather than the blue one?”
You thought it was an innocent question
until she erupts, “I knew I looked ugly in
this one,” and then storms up the stairs.
This is the time to ask the Holy Spirit to
be very active and share with you what
you can say and do to work through this
situation. It may happen through the
Word of God or it may happen through
a whisper. It may happen when a friend
says something or you hear a message
on the radio that seems to you as if God
has just spoken. It may be as simple as a
suggestion from your wife that you realize
will work. Either way, God is active in our
relationships and will help us if we are
willing to listen.
The bottom line is that the pursuit
is never over. God made women and
men different, not to drive us crazy but
to develop our character. Keep looking
for the AHAW!
Pam and Bill Farrel are international speakers and
best-selling authors of some 26 books including
Men are like Waffles, Women are like Spaghetti.
Bill is a communicator and pastor whose most
recent solo work is Devotions for Men on the Go!
features
Strike back at PORN
by Lisa Hall-Wilson and Emily Taylor
Porn has always been a private addiction.
Secretly indulged in and now easier to
access than ever before, many men
convince themselves that they’re not
hurting anyone. This fallacy can only
survive for so long. We know. Our men
confessed to eight and 10-year porn
addictions respectively. Our relationships
survived, but both of us were ready to
walk away at different points. Here are
the key questions men are (or should be)
asking about how porn effects their
relationship with their wives or fiancés.
My porn addiction has nothing to do
with her. Why do I need to tell her?
When a man views porn, his woman
thinks it’s her fault, while her man argues
that it has nothing to do with her.
Men, your porn addiction has everything
to do with your wife, and your wife needs
to understand that this addiction really
doesn’t have anything to do with her.
Let us explain.
When a woman learns that her man is
involved with or addicted to porn, it cuts
to the very core of her self-confidence
because she assumes you’ve made this
choice due to her lack. Every woman
knows she can’t compete with the
Photoshop- and surgically-enhanced
women who pose for porn.
Your wife clings to the belief that you
are the one man on Earth who finds her
irresistible. In her mind, if you’re looking
at porn it’s inevitable that you’ve
compared her to them and she falls short.
She thinks you’re choosing porn because
she isn’t good enough.
In a guy’s mind, viewing porn doesn’t
have anything to do with her (usually),
but it may be a very long time before
she believes that.
However, your porn addiction has
everything to do with your relationship
with her. This is not a victimless sin.
No marriage or other close relationship
will survive the lies, secrecy, guilt and
self-loathing that a porn addiction brings.
Many women feel ignored and
abandoned, get yelled at for no reason
and are lonely. They’re living with one
foot out the door emotionally.
Don’t make excuses, it doesn’t matter
how much or how little you’re involved
with porn. Whatever you’re into, whether
websites, catalogues, magazines, movies
or massage parlours and strip clubs, she
will find out eventually. It is better to
come clean. And that confession brings
freedom. You need to apologize and she
needs to forgive (eventually) so that the
relationship can move on without the
secrets.
I’ve decided that I need to confess my
involvement. What’s the best way to
break it to her? What should I expect
when I do?
Admitting your involvement with porn
to the most important woman in your life
without knowing how she’ll react is tough.
Reconciliation is never easy, but this is a
positive first step.
First, you need to be focussed on God.
If your sole intention in confessing is to
minimize the damage so she won’t leave
or to get clean because she’s threatening
to leave, you may be setting yourself up
for failure. Becoming the man God wants
you to be must be your priority—whether
she stays or leaves.
When you decide to confess, don’t
hold anything back. She won’t want an
itemized list of websites, but be specific
and forthright. Women are like bulletproof glass: They can stand major blows
and keep on chugging, but multiple
successive blows will shatter them.
You need to create a foundation of truth
on which to rebuild.
Be honest. Be sincere. Be sensitive
to the fact that she’s hurting. We can’t
predict exactly how she’ll react, but do
more than listen—actually hear her. Be
prepared for her to tell you that porn is
cheating. We hear your protests: It’s not
like you slept with another woman or
even formed an emotional attachment.
You’re missing the point! Choosing to
focus your time, energy and desires
on another woman, real or otherwise,
equals adultery. Take the hit on this one.
Consider her reasons for feeling like
you’ve cheated on her. You’re spending
time with porn that otherwise would have
been hers. You’re pouring out desire on
porn that otherwise would have been
spent on her. You’re indulging in mental
fantasies—imagining yourself in intimate
situations and acting on those fantasies
privately. Jesus said: “Anyone who
looks at a woman lustfully has already
committed adultery with her in his heart”
(Matt. 5:28).
When you come clean be sure to have
a plan. Your credibility is already dirt, but
if you continually relapse because you
haven’t got a plan to end this behaviour,
she might leave. If you relapse once and
don’t share that you’ve fallen, the cycle
of guilt and shame will begin again and
you’ll be right back where you started.
And let us give you a heads up on this
one: Part of the plan had better be
quitting cold turkey and getting rid of any
stashes you have hidden. Immediately.
I know I’ve hurt her, but I can’t beat this
without her. What do I do now?
She’ll question what you say, where
you go, monitor where your eyes wander.
She believed all your lies before and now
feels like the world’s biggest fool. Her lack
of trust is going to sting. You might want
credit?
There is hope for relationships
broken by sexual addiction.
to push her to trust you again and
you might feel insulted when she
says she can’t, but your words have
no credibility right now. Help her learn
to trust you again. Show her that things
are going to be different. Let your
actions demonstrate your sincere desire
to change and rebuild the relationship.
She doesn’t have to trust you initially
to be your biggest ally, though that’s
hard to imagine. She does love you
and wants you to overcome this.
Hold on to that for now.
Install an Internet filter with a
password on the computer (but don’t
forget the iPhone, blackberry, PSP, cell
phone, etc). Let her set the filter
parameters. Don’t argue when the filter
blocks things that you see nothing wrong
with—that’s likely what got you into
trouble in the first place. Do you need
to cancel the satellite or cable or install
a filter there too?
Don’t flirt with it. Determine what
triggers you to seek porn out. Is it
boredom? Stress? Have a plan for those
situations. Go to bed with your spouse
and get up when she does. If videos
and magazines are a temptation,
stop shopping where they’re sold.
If you doubt you’re strong enough
in the beginning to keep from secretly
buying new porn after destroying the old,
give her access to all the bank accounts
and credit card records, show her all your
receipts. All this sound like a hassle?
Isn’t the inconvenience worth it to
break your addiction and have her love,
trust and respect back?
But your action plan has to be more
than just avoidance of the old behaviours
that got you into trouble. You need to
fill the void (time, thoughts and energy)
with something positive.
Dive into God’s Word. Get involved in
church. Make
reading Scripture a part of your
daily routine—no exceptions. Do
devotions and pray with her, if she’s
willing. Ask God for His forgiveness and
His help in overcoming your sin.
Find a male accountability partner
who isn’t afraid to ask the tough
questions and who can handle hearing
honest answers. (Yes, that means telling
someone else.) You need a brother-inarms for this one. Your wife is your biggest
ally, but she can’t be your accountability
partner. She’s not ready to hear about
every stray thought or casual glance.
You do, however, need to tell her if
you’re struggling in a given situation.
Don’t assume she knows. She’s probably
oblivious to the bouncing cleavage and
short skirts that you can’t help but notice.
Your openness will help her understand
that this is a daily struggle with malls,
bikini-clad beaches and billboards, not
just with websites and dirty magazines.
Because she loves you, she’ll try to be
sensitive to that once she knows.
It might
take her awhile to tell you,
but you’ll earn her respect by working
hard to beat this, for being proactive in
wanting to change and for never giving up.
Being a warrior with tarnished, bloodstained armour doesn’t mean you’ve lost.
It means you’ve been in a fierce fight that
you’re determined to win. One day you’ll
be her hero again.
Remember you’re not alone.
Statistically, there are several others in
your church struggling with this same
issue. Some days you’re going to feel
like giving up, but hang in there for the
long haul. King David was a sinner who
screwed up big, but because he was
repentant and turned away from his sins
he is called a man after God’s own heart.
Lisa Hall-Wilson is a freelance writer who lives
with her husband and three children in London,
Ontario. Emily Taylor is a freelance writer and
editor from Chatham-Kent, Ontario. She and
her fiancé have their wedding planned for
September 2010.
features
it’S enough to make you WEEP
SEVEN asked a couple of Canadian Christian women to talk about how Promise
Keepers Canada helped the most important man in their lives. Here’s what they said.
candice’s story
Shawna’s story
In August 2006 I was putting my
children in a police cruiser to escort us
to a shelter. My husband, Stu, came
home from work just as we were leaving.
He stood dumbfounded and said, “You
don’t have to do this.” But things had
to change. And they did.
In June 2007, we had a “pagan
handfasting” ceremony, which bound the
Wiccan groom to his Christian bride. My
mother died the next month. We started
going to church that fall and Stu went to
his first Promise Keepers event in
November. Neither of us had any clue
what was in store.
The faith stories and songs of worship
shared by the men in that arena touched
Stu’s heart. He walked down the aisle for
an altar call; a six-foot man brought to his
knees before the cross. He came home
glowing—different.
Much to my disappointment, though,
this transformation didn’t last. It was
merely a glimpse of the man he could
become. God doesn’t wave a magic wand
and instantly transform the sinful heart.
It is a progressive journey.
Stu has attended every major PK event
in our area since then, and after each one
he changes a little. Promise Keepers has
taught my husband to re-evaluate his
sense of self-entitlement. Instead of
following his own selfish desires, he
follows God. But, God isn’t done yet.
Stu is still a work in progress. But what
progress! A few short years ago, my
husband was angry, and verbally abusive.
Now he’s at school, obeying God’s call,
studying to be a pastor.
I was truly at the end of my rope. On a
Sunday morning I was waiting for Rick to
return home from yet another all night
affair. He was being unfaithful and that
hurt me deeply. I turned on the television
purely for some company.
The first program I tuned into was a
church service and I quickly flipped the
channel. I didn’t realize that the next
program was also a church program.
I thought it was a stand up comic,
but he turned out to be a preacher
speaking in language I could understand.
As I continued to listen, something I can’t
explain came over me and I couldn’t stop
crying. The following Sunday I couldn’t get
my young son dressed fast enough so
that he and I could go to that church.
I continued to attend even though Rick
would stay at home. I was going to church
believing that I would get strong enough
to kick Rick out. I was so desperate to get
out of the situation. To my surprise, after a
few weeks he asked if he could come with
me. I agreed under one condition: do not
embarrass me by getting involved with
women at the church.
When Rick came to church the
following Sunday he was a very broken
man, crying for the whole service. After a
couple of weeks he raised his hand and
gave his life to the Lord. Little did I know
that the road would become even rockier
for our marriage! Shortly after that he was
arrested for soliciting prostitutes and the
car got towed. He was forced to come
clean.
At this time I didn’t realize that the
Lord God had given me unconditional
love for Rick. I thought I was crazy to stay
in this situation. We did keep going to
church and at one of the services our
pastor encouraged men to attend a
“Building Men of Purity” Promise Keeper’s
seminar. Rick went with a friend.
To my absolute amazement,
he returned home a brand new man.
When Rick came through the door I knew
something had truly happened to my
husband. His face and eyes looked
different. He was on his knees and, for
the first time in our 13-year relationship,
tears were flowing from his eyes. From a
kneeling position on the floor, he asked
me to come to him. He took hold of my
hands and as our eyes met he said:
“Shawna, from this day forward I will be
the husband you deserve and the father
that our son deserves. Thank you so
much for never giving up on me.”
Shortly after that he was
arrested for soliciting
prostitutes and the car
got towed. He was forced
to come clean.
It was in that moment that I felt
rescued from the nightmare. I was
brought instantly into the dream where
my handsome prince swept me off into
his arms. I never thought the day would
come when I would wake up to my
husband praying on behalf of his family.
Today that is a reality in our home.
Rick and Shawna Pilat became active in
their church and now serve with
Promise Keepers Canada.
features
Seven ideas for great dads
who want great daughters
Stephen Arterburn
I have an amazingly wonderful 19-yearold daughter who has brought me joy
beyond my wildest dreams. She plays
soccer for Azusa Pacific University and if
you met her, you would most likely be
drawn to her as she stands up, looks you
in the eye and tells you how glad she is to
meet you. She is one of the exceptional
young women who graduated high school
as a virgin and having never
experimented with alcohol or drugs.
Frequently I am asked how to raise a
daughter like Madeline. I always have the
same answer. “You would have to raise
Madeline.”
Most parents are aware that you can
do everything right and still end up with
a problem child. It is a tough world. Kids
make choices and you cannot protect
them from every negative influence.
So I give Madeline the credit for steering
clear of the things that throw so many
kids off track.
But there are some things that
characterized our relationship that I think
increased the likelihood that she would
not only do exceptional things but also do
those things with exceptional character.
If you are raising a daughter, here are my
seven best ideas from my experience as
Madeline’s dad.
1. You have to be there, no matter what:
I remember cutting a negotiation short in
Dallas because I had to make a flight, the
only flight that would allow me to attend
Madeline’s school program. I made it and
when the curtain opened on a stage with
50 preschoolers, I watched my daughter
scan the room, find me on the side, and
with a $3,000 grin, be the only child to
shout out loud, “DADDY!” And since
then I have made special efforts be
wherever she was.
You be there. And if you cannot,
have someone film what she is doing.
Text, e-mail or fax to her that you are
thinking about her, praying for her and
“with her” even though you have to be
away. But make those the exceptions
and not the rule. Whatever her major
interest or activity, be there and be
active in it with her.
2. You have to “really” be there for her:
No, this is not a redundant point. You
have to put down whatever gadget you
love and focus on her. Your presence
means your attention as well as your
proximity. You can’t send your body to
the game or program or concert and allow
your brain to catch up later. She needs
your focus and attention and connection.
In fact, showing your daughter how to
connect with a male in a non-sexual way
versus her trying desperately to feel some
type of connection with anyone that
comes along in any way she can, may be
the foundation for her sexual integrity
and purity. Eyeball to eyeball is the
most powerful way to parent.
3. Protection is a close second to your
presence: I never dreamed that as a
father I would have to think about how
to protect my child from being molested
or abused. But I took up the task,
allowing sleepovers rarely and only in
homes I knew extremely well. And only
after specific instructions on what to do
if she was uncomfortable there or anyone
tried to touch her “swimsuit” parts.
And when it came to camps, the same
conversations and instructions were
given. But her confidence and strength
were her biggest protection. She did not
possess the compliant profile of a victim.
The protection went beyond her
childhood. She was not allowed to date
until she was 16 and I monitored those
dates and the communication between
her and the boys. There was a time I had
to sit down with two parents and let them
in on the kind of messages their son was
leaving for my daughter, who fortunately
had not responded.
When she found a guy she was
“serious” about and I had my doubts
about, I poured into that guy whatever I
could. I did all I could do to influence him
rather than wait to see how he might
influence her. I remember not really liking
one of these guys and watching him
mature in character and then finally want
Christ in his life and in control of his life.
His character became her protection.
4. Be sure she knows the difference
between rights and privileges: She has
a right to eat, be clothed, educated and
cared for. Your daughter does not have
the right to date, drive a car, own a car or
go to college. Tell her that she must prove
herself worthy of those privileges and if
she is irresponsible and unable to make
good choices the last thing in the world
you are going to do is allow her to be
alone with a guy or get a license to drive
a death machine or be supported to
live away from home at college or
anywhere else.
But be sure she knows that these are
all things you want for her and help her
to develop into the young woman that can
handle them. Build her confidence by not
doing for her what she can do for herself
and coach her on how to build character,
lead and serve rather than spoil her
opportunity for a great life.
5. Have a “death penalty” and be sure she
knows you are willing to sentence her to it:
By “death penalty” I mean a consequence
so severe and drastic that to her it would
seem like a death. Tell her that if she does
make good choices you will reward her by
helping her in any way you can to drive,
own a car and go to school. If she earns
these privileges but mismanages them,
you will take them away (as well as cell
phones, televisions, computers, iPods
and anything else other than food and
clothes) as a consequence to modify her
behaviour.
And if those consequences do not
motivate her to modify her behaviour let
her know you will send her to a place
where others will be allowed to work with
her to modify her behaviour. She should
be familiar with wilderness programs,
treatment centres and military boarding
schools and know that you have every
intent of sending her there if she does not
respond to your attempts to help her get
back on track. Don’t threaten her, just
implement consequences if her
behaviour warrants them.
6. Involve other adult females in her life:
On Madeline’s 16th birthday I held a
dinner for her and invited six adult
women who had been involved in her life.
These women took her to dinners, movies,
shopping and church. They prayed for her
and she knew that if we were not around,
she was connected to a lot of people who
loved her and would be sure she was
never left alone. And on her 16th I pulled
them all together and they shared what
they loved most about her and the
experience they remembered best.
7. Be the spiritual leader she needs to see:
Every night we read, sang and prayed.
But spiritual leadership was more than
that. Be the first in the home to say you
are sorry. Be the one who is up first to
pray and study the Bible. Be the one
who implements the prayer option first
in times of trouble. Be the one who takes
everyone to church and talks about it
afterward. Be the one who serves
and shares with those less fortunate.
Be the man God called you to be and
allow her to see it.
I hope these ideas help. I hope they
motivate you to see your daughter as a
person you can parent well and enjoy
beyond your wildest dreams.
Stephen Arterburn is a best selling author of
books such as Every Man’s Battle and Preparing
Your Daughter for Every Young Woman’s Battle.
He is also the creator of the Women of Faith
conferences. He lives with his wife and their five
children in Indianapolis, Indiana. He can be
reached at [email protected].
Providing easy-to-read Bibles
for this generation.
Giving hope to the lost.
Help us to:
Spread the Word, feed the soul,
change a life.
To make a donation or to receive your free
copy of the New Testament, please contact:
[email protected] or call
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features
Single, With honour
Singleness is a great chance to go all out for Jesus
by Paul H. Boge
Singleness. For some it’s the ideal life.
Others would rather not be reminded.
They’re hoping to get married, have kids
and put this whole single thing behind
them.
Singleness can be a tough pill to
swallow. You search for a suitable belle
but can’t find her. The clock keeps ticking,
you don’t have any timeouts left and you
have a sinking feeling, wondering if it’s
going to work out. It can bring a sense of
loneliness and insecurity. Why isn’t God
intervening? Singleness can hurt.
But the Bible gives us great hope in
being single. It teaches that we can be
single with honour if we are consistent
in our relationship with Jesus Christ in
all aspects of life.
Helpful attitudes
The Bible provides at least seven
principles to encourage an honourable
single:
1. God is working His plan through
your life (Jer 29:11).
God has not forgotten you. Like a great
screenwriter, He doesn’t tell you
everything that’s going to happen down
the road. You’re the lead character in
God’s movie of your life and He wants
you to trust Him even when it seems
like things are not working.
2. Forget the past (Phil 3:13).
Sometimes single men get stuck
blaming past disappointments for their
present situation. They were rejected, or
they missed an opportunity to ask a girl
out and now live in a state of regret.
This is not the gospel. Forget what lies
behind. We need to throw out the “If only
I would have” statements and move
forward in Christ.
3. Keep your heart and mind pure
before Christ (Phil 4:8).
Toxic thinking results in toxic
relationships. If a mind is trapped in lust,
bitterness, unforgiveness or feelings of
worthlessness, those traits will be
revealed in relationships. But “a mind set
on the Spirit is life and peace.” When we
ditch the carnal mind and replace it with a
Christ-centred thought-life, our
relationships with women will be based
on glorifying God and not in seeking after
selfish desires.
4. You are complete in Christ (Col 2:10).
Is Jesus enough for you? It can be
difficult to believe you are complete in
Christ when you feel something is missing
without that special someone. Jesus asks
us: “Do you love me more than these?”
He isn’t challenging the value of a wife.
He’s challenging us to see Him as our life.
As our all in all. A man who stands
complete in Christ is able to lead,
understand and cherish his wife.
5. Choose faith (Mark 11:22-23).
Singleness is a test of faith. Will you
stay faithful to Him by leading a Godpursuing life or will you jam out and make
a decision not based on the Word?
Satan tempts us to believe God is
slow to honour His promises and that our
feelings are more important than the
Bible. Regardless of what life’s experience
seems to confirm, Christ is on a mission
to reveal Himself to you and through you.
Jesus loves you. He is passionate for you.
And He will be faithful to you.
Faith also inspires others. There’s
danger in relying on a career or bank
account or achievements in a
relationship. But one that is based on
faith will outlast anything else.
6. Be honest to God (Ps. 62:8).
Singles who have yet to marry and
start a family of their own may be grieving
the passage of time. It can hurt when you
come home to an empty house. This is
why it’s important to let God into the
hurtful areas of life. He wants to work in
your heart and heal your wounds.
7. Invest in the Kingdom (1 Cor. 7:32).
Singleness is a great chance to go all
out for Jesus. Consider arranging your
schedule so you can invest in people’s
lives and advance the Kingdom with the
unique gifts God has given you.
Staying single
But some guys want to stay single.
Or do they? A man has to be clear about
his motivation. Is the desire for
singleness really from God, or is it a cover
for not having the courage to date? Or is it
fear of intimacy? A desire to hang on to
time and money? Fear of not living up to
someone’s expectations?
The Bible tells us to “do all to the glory
of God” and that men who want to stay
single should do so because the gospel
can be further advanced through their life
if they don’t have attachments. If that’s
not the case, it doesn’t mean someone
has to get married, but it is worth reexamining the reason for wanting to
stay single to ensure there aren’t deeper
problems clouding the rationale.
What about single guys who want to
get married?
We honour God when we wait on His
timing and direction. But does God do all
the work or do we need to take action as
well? In answered prayer, there is a role
for both to play.
Listen. By listening to Christ you will
hear His voice directing you in the way
you should go. “My sheep know me and
they hear my voice.”
Ask. Ask the Lord to keep your eyes
open and to help you to recognize a godly
woman when you see her.
Seek. Look for her. Where would the
kind of woman you are looking for hang
out? If there are no eligible women in your
circle then it’s time to look elsewhere.
Singles are famous for pouring
themselves into work and life to such an
extent that they forget to take time to look.
Knock. There’s honour in pursuing a
relationship with a woman. It’s the man’s
job to initiate. It’s the woman’s job to
respond.
the opposite sex to be close friends.
Eventually one side will make
assumptions about the other and wonder,
“Are we going to become a couple?” A
godly man will be careful not to lead a
woman on and not put himself in a
position where he can be tempted.
Singleness is a great opportunity to
advance His Kingdom with the gifts and
talents we’ve been given. By keeping our
hearts and minds focused on Christ we
will be living lives that are honourable to
women and to Him.
Paul H. Boge is single and is an author, filmmaker
and engineer. He’s the author of The Urban Saint:
The Harry Lehotsky Story.
Single again
The anguish over a spouse who has
passed away or a failed marriage can be
crippling. Sorrow, guilt, anger, confusion
and depression can be overbearing.
Here it is critical to find godly men who
will walk with you, those who will
encourage you and lead you in the
counsel of the Bible.
Female friends
We need to let our gentleness be
evident to all women. We have a great
opportunity to consciously bless the
women in our lives with our words, deeds
and genuine appreciation for who God
has created them to be. Even the smallest
actions can greatly bless a woman’s life.
Chivalry is biblical.
But it’s important to be aware of the
implications. Men and women don’t
always interpret communication the
same way. It’s difficult for two singles of
features
motherS, WiveS and daughterS
SEVEN asked a couple of Canadian Christian men to talk about
the most important women in their lives. Here’s what they said.
bruxy cavey
Jarome iginla
My 85-year-old mom who has lived through
both the Great Depression and Second World War
and is now battling cancer is easily the most
influential woman in my life. Next to her, my
amazing wife Nina, who is smarter, wiser and loads
more fun to be with than I am. She challenges
me every day to be a better version of myself.
When I grow up, I want to be more like Nina.
Lastly, each of my three daughters—Chelsea,
Chanelle and Maya—shows me what love is all
about and reminds me always of the priority of
relationships. They are amazing women.
My wife Kara is the most important to me.
We’ve been together for a long time and we have
three kids, 5½, 3½ and 1½. She runs the house,
she’s the boss and she’s very, very tough.
Whenever I might start to feel a little full of myself
or if I start to get down, she’s right there making
sure the highs don’t get too high and the lows
don’t get too low. She and I are a team.
Now let me say this. My mom has always been
important to me. I love her dearly. She was great
while I was growing up and very, very supportive.
She still is today. But Kara is the most important
part of my life. She’s there every day; she supports
everything I do. I’d be nothing without her.
Bruxy Cavey is the teaching pastor at The Meeting House,
Oakville, Ontario.
Jarome Iginla plays hockey for the Calgary Flames.
man talk
Who’s spotting for you?
We all need someone to keep an eye on our blind spots
by Ted Hull
locked brakes and skidding tires is so
thick that a driver can’t see what is
ahead of him. So it takes constant
communication with the driver and the
trust the driver has in his spotter to
avoid potential wrecks.
So simply put, every driver
needs a spotter.
Most of us do not need anyone to
tell us that we are in a race. Full
schedules, huge job expectations,
high blood pressure and relentless
demands remind us of the race we are in.
But maybe we haven’t noticed that we
have clipped the fender of a fellow driver.
Someone in our blind spot has become
the collateral damage.
I recall a painful episode when
colleagues and subordinates invited me
for a lunch meeting. Each one began to
tell me how my driving style was leaving
a lot of cars in the wall or on their roof.
Some drivers had been forced to drop
out of the race and others were waving
somewhat impolitely as I drove past
their wrecked cars. (Yeah, okay, so they
didn’t use a racing analogy, but you
get the picture.)
All this happened even though I had
spotters; as a counsellor I would never
have had it otherwise. However I had
slowly turned down the volume on my
radio. It took a pit stop for me to become
aware of the damage I was causing,
even in a race that I felt I was leading.
Who’s spotting for you? Maybe it is
someone who is part of your race team
and with whom you have a special
relationship. Or maybe you have no one
in your life with whom you have that
special relationship; someone who has
a vantage point and can see ahead of you.
Maybe it’s not a formal spotter. It could
be a spouse who has consistently
challenged you about your relational
driving. Maybe it is a daughter who has
told you about an important game you
didn’t see or a son whose concert you
missed because you didn’t bother to
enter it in your Blackberry. Or if you were
to reflect you would realize that the radio
has been silent for a long time. Family
and close friends have given up spotting
for you because you have ignored them.
None of us can see the whole track and
our natural blind spots prevent us from
seeing the cars closest to us. We have the
Spirit of God, the Word of God and the
people of God ready to spot for us.
Now we just need to tune in to the
radio, turn up the volume and trust our
spotters.
Ted Hull is a NASCAR fan, marriage counsellor
and management consultant who believes that
finding the right answers begins with asking
the right questions. Find out more at
www.tedhullconsulting.ca
Photo: Dreamstime.
For almost 20 years my dad, my son
and I have made an annual pilgrimage to
attend a NASCAR race. Driving thousands
of miles to attend races and fighting with
tens of thousands of cars to get out of
parking lots should qualify us as avid
fans. We even have the radio scanners
that allow us to eavesdrop on the vital
communication between the driver
and his pit crew.
But sometimes of even greater interest
is the information on the scanner that is
coming from the spotters. The spotter is a
member of a race team who is perched on
top of the highest grandstand so he or
she can see as much of the track as
possible. Their primary job is to make
sure the driver is safe during the race by
telling him about cars and track
conditions that he can’t see.
Race cars don’t have side mirrors and
drivers don’t have the time or the sight
lines to see who is beside them or if they
have cleared the car they are passing. As
NASCAR has become safer, the way
drivers are strapped into their cars makes
it that much more difficult to see. With a
two-way radio at hand, the spotter
focuses on his driver’s car and the other
cars in close proximity. “Go low…still
there...still there…all clear…wreck ahead
stay high, stay high…good job.”
Sometimes when a crash takes place
further up the track, the smoke from
money matters
Need a money makeover?
Periodic checkups are good for financial health
by Paul Emerton
Tracking our spending with accuracy to
avoid the “hole in a pocket” feeling does
not solve every financial problem. That’s
because good financial management
includes more than deciding where and
when to spend our money each day. It
includes items that affect us years into
the future, and we often pay little
attention to them.
Just as we update our wardrobe from
time to time, we should also evaluate our
total financial situation periodically to
ensure these future concerns are
addressed.
Red flags in the sunset
It’s easy to be fooled where money
is concerned. We may, for example, find
ourselves with extra cash in our wallet or
bank account at the end of the month
after paying all our bills and making all
our necessary purchases. Is this good
news? It depends.
This extra money—financial experts
call it disposable income—may be false
comfort if one or more of the following
red flags appear in our overall financial
situation:
• Our credit card balances grow
from month to month;
• We have little or no savings available
for emergencies;
• Our insurance coverage does not
provide security for our families,
an income for ourselves in case
of disability, protection of our
house and property, and other
eventualities;
• We do not contribute to an RRSP
or RESP;
• We are not maintaining our
home effectively.
If this takes a little joy out of
discovering that extra money, remember
that good financial health is like good
physical health: feeling better tomorrow
starts with taking care of ourselves today.
Help yourself to help others
Are the results less than you expected?
If so, consider a financial makeover to
reduce liabilities and increase assets.
Are the results more than you
expected? In that case, review both the
means of protecting your assets through
adequate insurance and increasing the
assistance you are providing others.
Discover something about yourself
You may have heard the term net
worth, perhaps describing the immense
wealth of the latest multi-billionaire.
We all have a net worth. It is calculated
by adding up the money and investments
we have, and the value of all the property
and personal items we own.
These are our total assets.
Next we add up all the money we
owe including our mortgage, credit card
Paul Emerton is a Certified Financial Planner
balances, utility bills, bank and auto
and Trainer at FaithLife Financial.
loans. The result is our total liabilities.
www.faithlifefinancial.ca
Subtracting our liabilities from our
assets reveals
our net worth.
If the
ASSET
$$ VALUE
liabilities are
Money—cash, bank accounts, etc.
greater than
Investments—stocks, bonds, mutual funds
our assets,
Retirement planning—RRSPs
we have
Real estate—your home, cottage, other
Insurance—surrender value of policies
negative net
Automobile, boat, camper, etc.
worth. This,
Personal property—jewellery, collectibles, etc.
obviously, is not
Other
good news.
TOTAL ASSETS
You may
$
discover that
your net worth
is more
LIABILITY
$$ AMOUNT
than you think.
Credit owed—credit cards, retail accounts, etc.
Try doing
Mortgage
a simple
Bank loans, auto loans, etc.
calculation,
Other outstanding debt—taxes, etc.
using the table
TOTAL
on the right.
LIABILITIES
$
TOTAL ASSETS
(subtract) TOTAL LIABILITIES
NET WORTH
$
$
$
Out of my depth
The silence of Adam
Buck the muteness trend and make your voice heard at home
by Mark Buchanan
The silence of Adam.
There he is, first man, hardy and agile,
wise and winsome. There he is, gardener
and taxonomer, poet and image-bearer,
the one to whom God entrusted His
glorious wide creation. There he is,
all these things, and yet silent in the face
of his wife’s tragic undoing. Mere days
before, he bounded naked through the
garden, flinging names like confetti:
wombat, buffalo, bullfrog, platypus,
talking, talking, talking. He saved his
best word for last: woman. And then,
at the moment he should roar, he falls
mute as stone.
You know the story. The serpent
comes to Eve with half-truths and empty
promises. The serpent approaches her,
broaching his favourite subject matter—
theology. What God said or didn’t say.
What God wants or doesn’t want.
From the beginning and ever after, the
serpent has loved God talk. Of all the
evil one’s many guises—beast,
dragon, whore, angel, politician—
uppermost is theologian.
But his theology is warped. It’s not that
he doesn’t know better. He knows more
than Barth and Bonhoeffer, Pannenberg
and Peterson. But he uses his expert
knowing to breed doubt and confusion.
He mixes truth with lies, liberally.
He deceives, he twists, he inflates,
he conceals. He scoffs at dangers that
are very real, and makes promises
that are all flimflam.
And Eve falls for it.
It’s a tragedy both cosmic and
personal. All Earth and all humanity
suffers for it. But here’s the verse that
always stops me dead in my tracks:
“When the woman saw that the fruit of
the tree was good for food and pleasing
to the eye, and also desirable for gaining
wisdom, she took some and ate it. She
also gave some to her husband, who was
with her, and he ate it” (Gen. 3:6).
Who was with her.
John Milton in his famous epic poem
Paradise Lost ignores that little clause.
He depicts Adam wandering in from a
hard day’s work, happening upon Eve’s
fait accompli, fruit nectar dribbling from
her lips. Adam is shocked, dismayed and
ever so virtuous. So virtuous, in fact, he
eats the fruit, too, in a tragic and heroic
act of solidarity with his doomed wife.
It’s a nice fiction. The reality: Adam is
with her the whole time. There he is,
silent and inert, just wondering what’s
for dinner.
Men, let’s be honest: Adam’s
muteness plagues us. This trait is deep
in our bones. How is it in our workplaces
and sports venues we can be loud as drill
sergeants, decisive and clear-minded,
but in our homes so
disengaged? What is
happening with your
child’s schoolwork?
How was your wife’s
day, really? When
will you hang the
door in the en suite?
I can spend an
entire day at work
listening to people
unfold the
intricacies of their
inner world, I can
make decisions that
affect the next year
of our corporate life, I can labour
strenuously to accomplish, on time
and under budget, some massive project,
I can render opinions on matters big and
small. And then I can come home and
resent the smallest request from my wife.
I can tune her out, almost without trying,
and retreat into my private world.
I can fall mute as a stone at the
very moment I should roar.
The story of Adam and Eve could have
had a different ending. Adam might have
said something. Adam might have acted.
Adam might have roared.
It didn’t happen. But for you, tonight,
in your home, with your wife, with your
family, it could happen. You could refuse
the silence of Adam.
Mark Buchanan is an author and pastor living on
Vancouver Island. He is the author of five
bestselling books and numerous articles.
power play
Great games. Great toys.
Great gadgets.
Reviews by Sandy McMurray
PERSONAL JET PACK
martinjetpack.com
The personal jet pack has been a
staple of fiction, fantasy and speculation
for nearly 100 years. It appeared in
Amazing Stories magazine in 1928. The
German government tested rocket packs
during the Second World War but never
used them. James Bond had a jet pack in
Thunderball and Cliff Secord had one in
The Rocketeer. Why don't you have one?
Now you can. The Martin Aircraft
company of New Zealand has announced
the world's first commercial jet pack.
The company plans to accept orders in
late 2010. All you need is $86,000 and
a lot of insurance.
The Martin Jetpack promises up to 30
minutes of flight time, much longer than
most previous prototypes. Pitch and roll
are controlled by one hand, thrust and
yaw by the other. The machine's rotors
are built from a carbon/Kevlar composite
and powered by a 200hp, two-litre, V4,
two-stroke gas engine.
There's just one catch (besides the
price): you have to weigh between
140-240 pounds to fly one. That kind
of defeats the point, doesn't it?
Lazy shouldn't have a weight limit.
STEAMBIRDS AIR COMBAT
armorgames.com/play/5426/steambirds
If the jet pack is out of your price range,
try this instead.
Steambirds is a simple and free web
game that casts you in the role of pilot
and flight commander. You control one or
more aircraft as they battle enemy planes,
zeppelins and more. If you destroy the
other guys, you win. If you take no
damage you get a perfect four-star rating.
Steambirds is a turn-based game;
you plan your moves then press a button
to see the results as all aircraft move
at once. Each level adds new planes
and new challenges until the screen is
filled with dogfighting action. It's easy
to understand and fun for both kids
and adults.
SHARK VS. TRAIN
by Chris Barton and Tom Lichtenheld
available from amazon.ca
Two boys pick up two toys: a shark
and a train. Their eyes narrow as they face
each other. Shark vs. Train. Who will win?
Well, that depends.. are they on rails or
under the sea? Playing hide and seek
or eating pies?
Shark says, "I'm going to choo-choo
you up and spit you out."
Train says, "Ha! I'm going to fin-ish you,
mackerel-breath."
Indulge your inner child and read this
to any five-year-old.
OFF ROAD COMMODE
theoffroadcommode.com
Now you can go wherever your truck
goes. No more squatting in the bushes.
The Offroad Commode is a toilet seat that
attaches to your trailer hitch.
It doesn't require a lot of explanation,
does it? It's so simple, you might even
consider making your own, Red Green
style, but is it worth it? The Offroad
Commode is ready to go, so to speak.
Frequent campers may also be
interested in the tree adapter for the
Offroad commode, which lashes the seat
to a tree (for times you're away from both
your home and your truck). When you're
in a fix, you'll be glad it exists.
Heed the printed warning: the Offroad
Commode is not for
use when
vehicle is
in
motion.
Seriously.
AWESOME FOURSOME
holeinoneinc.com/novelty.htm
Mark Twain said, "Golf is a good walk
spoiled." The awesome foursome is a set
of prank golf balls designed to make golf
more fun.
Unputtaball is designed to ruin a good
putt. It's weighted to roll unevenly,
guaranteeing a trick shot every time.
The Exploder and The Phantom are
prank balls for tee off. Upon impact, they
explode in a cloud of dust (or watery
mist).
Jetstreamer might be the most fun.
When airborne it ejects a long streaming,
spiralling ribbon, like a little golf ball kite.
You can give the Awesome Foursome
as a gift, or slip them into a game secretly
and watch the fun.
THE BETTER MARRIAGE BLANKET
bettermarriageblanket.com
Something is rotten in bedrooms of
the nation. Is it you? Your spouse? If so,
don't blame the dog. Get the blanket.
How can a blanket make a marriage
better? Think activated charcoal—the kind
used in military chemical suits. Your silent
but deadly problem can be totally
absorbed by a soft, warm, 300
thread count comforter.
This odour-absorbing wonder is
safe and non-allergenic and will
work for years. It can be machine
washed normally or dry cleaned.
Simply dry in an electric dryer or in
the sun to reactivate the odourabsorbing charcoal.
Do not even think of
giving this to your wife for
Mother's Day. You've
been warned.
PATTERN YOUR LAWN
patternyourlawn.com
Make grass cutting fun with the Lawn
Stryper—a system that leaves patterns in
your lawn just like a baseball field.
The Lawn Stryper system is not very
complicated. The sand-filled roller drags
behind your mower, flattening and
bending a row of grass to make it look
different from the next row over. Still, the
effect can be quite dramatic and
attractive. And anything that makes
mowing your lawn more enjoyable is
probably a good idea.
REMOTE CONTROLLED TARANTULA
hammacher.com
Summer and camping season
are coming soon. Can you think of
anything fun to do with a remote
controlled tarantula?
Most tarantulas are harmless to
humans, but you can keep that little
fact to yourself. Mention instead that
the biggest tarantulas can kill animals
as large as lizards, mice, and birds.
Tarantulas mainly eat insects, using
ambush as their primary method
of prey capture.
Some tarantulas hunt primarily in
trees; others hunt on or near the ground.
You can put yours anywhere, provided
you and your remote control are less
than 25 feet away.
This hairy little monster has two
motors: one that controls movement
and one that causes the eight legs
to twitch. All it takes to induce
arachnophobia is four AA cells
and one 9-volt battery.
SCAVENGER HUNT CARDS
www.potterybarnkids.com
Your kids are bored. You're tired of
hearing, "Are we there yet?" Something
has to be done. Time for a car game!
Give each player a handful of
Scavenger Hunt Cards and their attention
will turn to the windows. The deck of 54
cards features common roadside sights,
sounds and smells. The back seat
bickering will soon give way to fun… or
blissful silence. Either way, you can focus
on the road.
Sandy McMurray, father of four, writes about toys,
gadgets and other fun stuff on his web site
FunSpot.ca
What women want
The control charade
Don’t react to what we do, react to what’s going on inside
by Sheila Wray Gregoire
In a few short days my family will depart
to work at a Kenyan orphanage for three
weeks. I am desperately tending to my email, ridding the fridge of any stray
produce, washing laundry, heading to
the bank and somewhere in there I’m
packing. And I’m managing to pull it all
off while still barking orders at my kids. I
am the very model of a modern wifely
drill sergeant.
Few can issue orders as effectively as
women when we are in control freak
mode. We want the house cleaned
because company is coming, and even
though we’ve ignored the mess for two
weeks it is now absolutely imperative
that everybody drop what they’re doing
and polish something. We want to get to
church early, so everyone must hurry up
and grab breakfast and by the way, has
anyone seen my purse? We have our
agenda, and everybody had better get
into line.
What men may not realize, though, is
that when women get into control freak
mode, it’s not because we particularly
want to control people.
Let me get psychological for just a
moment. A woman’s biggest fear is that
she’s going to lose those things she
loves most. She wants to feel like her
family is close-knit, her kids are safe and
everyone is secure. When something
threatens that—the kids are pulling away,
everyone’s too busy, you’re distant—we
feel out of control, and start issuing
orders to compensate.
Or, even worse, if we feel we’re not
doing a stellar job at caring for the family,
then we really lose it, because we’re
afraid that if the family falls apart, it will
be our fault. We may imply again and
again that it’s yours, but it’s only to
deflect the blame we feel. We’re afraid
we’re not good enough.
We’re not control freaks; we’re just
scaredy cats! Perhaps that doesn’t sound
like a big improvement, but it is, because
once you understand that, you can help
us bridge that sanity gap and end up in
relational bliss once more.
Here’s the key to helping your wife
relax and calm down: realize that when
she gets stressed, it’s not because her
primary goal in life is to stifle you. It’s
because she’s scared things are falling
apart. And the more scared she feels,
the more she tries to clamp down.
That creates this strange situation
in many homes where the wife starts
running everything—the kids’ schedules,
the doctors’ appointments, the
educational plans, the finances, the
housework—while the husband pulls
away because she so obviously doesn’t
need or want him involved. Don’t look
at the situation logically, though. Look at
it lovingly. Sure she’s doing everything.
Sure she’s got a to-do list for you a mile
long. But this doesn’t mean she wants
to run everything; more than likely it
means she wants you to start taking
more of the reins.
A few years ago my family left a church
where we had worshipped for a decade.
I had been agonizing over the decision
for several years, and one day I felt
especially dejected. Keith noted, a little
nonchalantly, “Obviously it’s time for a
move.” There the conversation ended.
He thought he had been agreeing with
me, and we’d discuss it further later.
But I proceeded to pick up the phone
and call everyone we knew and
announce that Keith said we were
leaving, shocking my poor husband
when he learned of my misdeeds.
“But you told me we should leave!”
I yelled, incredulously, when he
questioned my haste. “I have never
told you to do anything!” Keith said.
“It’s always been a mutual decision!”
He thought he was being chivalrous,
letting me make final decisions. But in
this one area, where I had been
ruminating for years, I so wanted him
to take the decision out of my hands.
The moment it looked like he just might
be doing that, I jumped on it, regardless
of my seven year academic immersion
in feminism.
Women are a strange bunch.
We discuss at Bible studies how much
we want our husbands to take some
leadership, but we also tend to
manipulate our men and order them
around. It’s hard for guys to navigate
this minefield.
But here’s a simple map: the next
time your wife goes into control freak
overdrive, realize that she’s not a fascist.
She’s simply scared of messing up
something important. If you ignore her
Tasmanian devil imitation and instead
step in and gently but firmly relieve her
of some of that burden, you’ll start a
new path to a healthy relationship.
Don’t react to what we do; react to
what’s going on inside. And then step
up and be a man. Start talking to us
about decisions. Get involved in the
family. Listen to our concerns. And then
develop your own opinions about what
you think is best. Show us you care.
Show us you’ve thought about it, too.
Relieve us of the burden of messing
stuff up, all on our own. That’s what
we really want you to do, regardless of
what it may look like.
Sheila is the author of several marriage books, including Honey, I Don’t Have a Headache Tonight:
Help for women who want to feel more in the mood. You can find her speaking at marriage
conferences around the country, or at www.SheilaWrayGregoire.com.
MISSION: To ignite and equip men to become fully devoted followers of Jesus Christ – resulting in homes,
churches, workplaces, communities and nations impacted and shaped by the grace of God through the lives of men.
Walking With You…
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The King’s Men is a series of discussions, studies, and activities that
will engage men in a life of freedom, risk, sacrifice, and significance.
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A weekend retreat where you can experience in-depth training to discover how to
become a better equipped Godly man.
Using the 7 Promises of a Promise Keeper, men
will journey through the life of Jesus and discover
how He prepared His followers to be men the
world would describe as those
“who turned the world
upside down.” (Acts 17:6)
Resources
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Speakers... Relevant biblical
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your men’s group continue
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FOR MORE INFORMATION ON WHAT
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03-10

why are women so confusing to men?

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