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H o b a r t a n d W i l l i a m S m i t h C o l l e g e s P r e s s Editor David Weiss Associate Editors John D ’Agata, Lyric Essay Katherine Jackson, Art Kathryn Cowles, Poetry Caroline Manring, Poetry Assistant Editor Joshua Unikel Copy Editor and Consultant Laura Glenn Managing Editor Cindy Warren Contributing Editors Stephen Kuusisto Rosanna Warren Founding Editors James Crenner ȱě Deborah Tall 1 Unsolicited manuscripts of poetry, translations, lyric essays, and criticism of contemporary poetry are read annually between September 1st and May 1st. Manuscripts sent at other times will be returned unread. No manuscript can be returned unless accompanied by a stamped, self-addressed envelope. We ask that you submit work only once during our annual reading period. Poems published in Seneca Review are indexed in Index of American Periodical Verse, Annual Index to Poetry in Periodicals, Humanities International Complete, and Poem Finder on the WebZZZ3RHPÀQGHUFRP/LEUDU\RI&RQJUHVV1DWLRQDO6HULHV'DWD Program ISSN 0037-2145. 3XEOLVKHGVHPLDQQXDOO\E\+REDUWDQG:LOOLDP6PLWK&ROOHJHV3UHVV &RS\ULJKWE\+REDUWDQG:LOOLDP6PLWK&ROOHJHV 3ULQWHGE\&DQÀHOG7DFN One Issue: $10 One-Year Subscription: $20 7ZR<HDU6XEVFULSWLRQ Seneca Review +REDUWDQG:LOOLDP6PLWK&ROOHJHV Geneva, NY 14456 www.hws.edu/academics/senecareview 7RVXEPLWRQOLQHJRWRKWWSVHQHFDUHYLHZVXEPLWWDEOHFRPVXEPLW COVER ART: Sentient Kitchen, Shuttling Shakers, 20” x 30” photograph, 2011. All photographs in the Sentient Kitchen series are of original sculptures built from silicone, glass, acrylic, and hair. Videos incorporate original sculptures manipu- lated with hidden wires and working parts. 2 ќ ћѡ ђ ћ ѡ Ѡ ȱ Ř Ŗ ŗ Ř Ȧ ȱ Ř Ŗ ŗ Ř DZ ȱ ȱ Ś Ř Ȧ ŗȬ Ř 6 12 16 18 25 26 27 29 ŚŚ Śś ŚŜ Śŝ ŚŞ Śş 51 52 53 śŚ 60 75 77 78 ћљюћёȱіћȱёђћȱќћȱѡѕђȱћёіюћюȱѢћђѠȱ ѤіѡѕȱѢѐљђюџȱђюѐѡќџ ȱĴ ѦȱђѤȱюџȱѠѠюѦ Paul Crenshaw ѕђȱђќіџіѠѡ Eliot Khalil Wilson юњђѠȱюџљȱќћђѠȱюѡѠȱѕќќѝіђȱіђ Ĵ ȱȱ ѕђȱіѠѐіѝљђѠȱќѓȱњњюѢѠ ђџќџюљ ќѡђѠȱќћȱѡѕђȱѐюџђѐџќѤ Emily Viggiano Saland ѥѐђџѝѡђёȱѓџќњȱѕђȱюџјȱѢџѡѕђћ ȱ џіяђѠ ћȱђѠѝќћѠђȱѡќȱѡѕђȱѢђѠѡіќћDZȱѕђћȱіёȱ ќѢȱіџѠѡȱђђљȱѡѕђȱќѤђџȱќѓȱќђѡџѦӓ юіљѠ ѕіѠ ќѢџȱќђѡѠȱіћȱѡѕђȱіњђȬюћюєђњђћѡȱ ќџјѠѕќѝ ѕђȱќђњѠȱќѓȱіњю ќѡѡђџёюњǯȱȱќђњȱќѓȱюȱќџѡȱюћёȱюћȱ ѝќљќєѦ ȱюњȱюћѦȱќћȱѢіѥќѡђѠ ћѐљђȱюљіњ ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ¢Ȭ ѦȱђљюћѐѕќљіюǰȱѦȱќћќєюњѦ Natania Rosenfeld ђѠѠќюȱіћȱіѠяќю Sharon Dolin Ѡђȱѐђȱіћȱюȱђћѡђћѐђ Katharine Coles њњюћѢђљȂѠȱѝџіћє ђџџіяљђȱњњюћѢђљȱђѠѡџќѦѠȱѡѕђȱюџѡѕ яѦȱљќќё 3 79 80 81 86 100 102 103 106 109 111 ŗŗŚ 122 123 132 133 ŗŚř ŗŚś 156 161 173 182 ђџџіяљђȱњњюћѢђљȱђєюџёѠȱѡѕђȱѢћ њњюћѢђљȱюћёȱѡѕђȱіќћ ȱȱȱ ȱ џќњȱѡѦњќљќєѦȱќѓȱѡѕђȱќџёȱ юѢћѡ Noel Thistle Tague џюєњђћѡѠȱќѓȱюȱџђюѡђџȱюћєѢюєђ ěȱ ђёіѡюѡіќћѠȱќћȱѡѕђȱџђђȱџќє Angela Stewart ќћёіѡіќћюљȱђђё ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ¡ȱ ѡѢёѦіћєȱяџќюёȱіћȱѡѕђȱќѢћѡџѦȱќѓȱќѣђ Marci Vogel юѐјюѤюћћю іјђ ¢ȱ іћђȱіѣђѠ ȱĴ ѕѦȱіњȱѢњȱюјђѠȱђȱђђљȱђћёђџ Kim Adrian ђђёȱџіѠђ ȱ ќѢѠђȱќѓȱюȱюџєђȱќѢћѡюіћǰȱќњѝђіі Ĵȱ іѣіћєȱќѢџȱќёѦȱѡќȱѐіђћѐђ ȱ џќњȱѐіђћѡіѠѡȱѡќȱћіњюљ ǯȱǯȱ іѐџќѠѐќѝіѢњ ȱ ѕђȱюѡќџѠȱ юѣђȱѢџћђё ȱȱȱȱ ђћѡџіљќўѢђћѐѕђёǰȱќџȱђѠѠіќћѠȱѓџќњȱѡѕђȱ Ѣњњіѡ Aylen Rounds ќљђѠȱіћȱѡѕђȱјѦ Jennifer Sinor ђѥȱќћȱѤќȱѕђђљѠ ȱ ћѡѕђњ ǯȱǯȱ Ś 183 186 187 ŗşŚ 197 201 205 209 ѢѠѡђџ ¢ȱ яќѢѡȱіљљ ȱ юљѓȬіѓђ Sheila P. Donohue ȱюєђȱќћȱќќѡȱюѠѕіћєǰȱђџњіѡѡіћєȱѕюњђǰ џџќџȱюћёȱѢіљѡǰȱѦѠђљѓȱѡѕђȱіћєљђȱќѢџѐђ ȱюєђȱќћȱќѐѢѠȱњќђћѢѠǰȱђџњіѡѡіћєȱѕюњђǰ џџќџȱюћёȱѢіљѡǰȱѦѠђљѓȱѡѕђȱіћєљђȱќѢџѐђ ȱюєђȱќћȱюћȱќѢљђѡѡђǰȱђџњіѡѡіћєȱѕюњђǰ џџќџȱюћёȱѢіљѡǰȱѦѠђљѓȱѡѕђȱіћєљђȱќѢџѐђ ȱę ѕђȱќњяіђȂѠȱџюѦђџ ¢ȱ ќѡђѠȱќћȱќћѡџіяѢѡќџѠ 5 ћљюћёȱ іћȱ ёђћȱ ќћȱ ѡѕђȱ ћёіюћюȱ ѢћђѠȱ Ѥіѡѕ Ѣѐљђюџȱђюѐѡќџȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱĴ ¢ȱȱȱ on taking our dog Sally, now 13 years old, with us to the Indiana Dunes to let her walk, ȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǯ Its shallows show milky green as absinthe, which sounds a lot like ǯ They deepen to the color of the turquoise in my nonagenarian mother’s tarnished ȱȱǯ Absence or absinthe, the great lake extends to the horizon’s honed ȱ£ȱȱ¢ǯ Those tiny towers that rise out of the scintillant water to the west — sheet of gold ȱȱȱȱȱȱȂȱȱ¢ȱĴȱ until each wave becomes a dimple or dent in the precious metal — are all that is left ȱǯȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ in the calendar ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱǰȱǰȱ¢ǰ her gay roommate, and I — no, wait, with Sally, the four of us — stretched out on the sand, sunbathed, ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱ¢ǰ photographed ourselves next to a huge driftwood stump with splayed roots bleached ȱȱ ȱȱǯ 6 ȱ ȱȱęȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱ we ignored ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱȱ concave cooling tower, Ĵȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ on the back row of my dead Ȃȱǯȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱ ȱȱǯȱ I can’t stop thinking of the chain reactions happening so close to us, how uranium atoms bombarded by neutrons split apart, release more neutrons, gamma rays, and three million ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯ It is like Ȃȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ told us that despite sedatives ¢ȱȂȱȱȱȱȱȱȯȱȃȱȱȱ ȱȱę ȱȱ ȱȱ¢ǷȄ After three days, they brought her down with Klonopin, which works like a reactor’s control rods pushed deep into the core to absorb neutrons ȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȂȱ ȱȱȱǯȱ My palms feel the braille of her brown birthmark, the size of a nickel, which had been bright raspberry ȱȱ ȱ¢ǯȱȱŘŗȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ to that birthmark 7 and can pretend no longer that she is a child, though she is still and will be always ¢ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȂȱ me of her plans to become a midwife, to deliver babies bloodstained and screaming to this life where nuclear reactors and couples kissing among sand dunes coexist ȱ¢ǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȯȱȱȱǰ Chernobyl, ȱȱǯȱ ȱȱęęȱȱ¢ ǰȱȃȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȂȱȱ¢ if we’re all still alive ȱȱǯȄȱ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǯ The Soviet radio stations interrupted their regular programming and played classical music before broadcasting ȱȱȱȃǯȄȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰ Shostakovich, ȱęǰȱ¢ȱ ȱȱ ȱ ǯȱȱȱȱ ȱ Ravel’s Piano ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱĴ whose right arm ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȂȱȱ obsessively to it, ȱȱŗşȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱǯ It begins with the faintest featherings of bows against bass viols’ strings, and then the contrabassoon 8 ȱȱȂȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ taken up by cellos ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ wrap gauze bandages ȱǰȱȬȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ of the dead, slumped ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱĴȱȂȱǰȱ ȱǯȱȱ£ȱȯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱĴȱȱȱ ęǰȱȱ ȱȱŚŘȬȱ ĵǯȱȱ ȱȱ£ to sound as if ȱȱ ȱ¢ȱ ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ glissandos can’t ȱ¢ǰȱȱ ȱȱĚȱȱȃȱȱ ȱȄȱȱ ȱ ǯȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱĴȂȱȱǰȱęȱ ghosting over the white notes ȱȱ¢Ȃȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ǯ After Paul read the score, he suggested changes to Ravel, ǰȱȃȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȄȱȱǰȱȃȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȄ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ will be changed ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱǰȱȱǰȱȂȱ¢ȱ was Ludwig, ȱǯȱȱŗşŘşǰȱ ȱ ȱȱȱǰ the economist John Maynard Keynes 9 ȱȱȱĴȱȱȱ ǰȱȃǰȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ ȱȱśDZŗśȱǯȄ In his Tractatus, God reduced the universe to seven ǯ ȃȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȄȱȱȱęǯȱȱęȱȱ¢ǰ ȃȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȄȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰ the nuclear reactor at the north end of the Indiana Dunes, and my daughter’s bipolar ǯȱĴ ¢ȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱȬȬ Ȭ striped towel wrapped around his shoulders, tangled wet brown hair that I will never wake to and muss some more, ȱĚȱȱȱǰȱ Ȃȱȱ¢ǰ wide brown eyes ȱ ȱȱ ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱǯ ȃǰȄȱ¢ȱ¢ǰ ȃȱ ǯ ǯ ǯ ȄȱȱǯȱȃȂȱǰȱ ǯ ǯ ǯ ȱȱǷȄ We all laugh ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȂȱǯ The sky has parted ȱȬ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱ trillion hydrogen ȱ¡ȱȯȱǰȱȱęǰȱȱȱȱĴȱȯȱ nuclear reactor ȱȱȱ ¢ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ pushing with legs raised, ¡ȱȱ ȱȱȂȱȱ ǰȱȬ and bloody — 10 sunrise, not sunset — as the sun sinks into the now almost black lake, ȱǰȱȱǰȱȱȂȱ ȱǯ 11 ѦȱђѤȱюџȱѠѠюѦȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Paul Crenshaw Will have the words shit and ȱ¢ ǯȱȱJesus Christ and goddammit to hell and ȱȱǯȱShit and will be used ȱȱȱȱȱ ǰȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȬ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱęǯȱ My new war essay will be amorphous, random forms in mornȬ ȱǯȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱęȱȱ¢ ǰȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ ǰȱ ȱǰȱȱȱȱǯ ¢ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȱǰȱȱ ȱ ȱǯȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȬ ǰȱǰȱĚǰȱȱĚǯȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱ will continue to grow, until there are all kinds of bombs, landmines, missiles that lock onto targets the size of small children, and men who stand around harrumphing and crowing and pleased, believȬ ing they have achieved something good with every new discovery, ¢ȱȱȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ǯȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱęȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȬ ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱĚȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱ£Ȭ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȬȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱǰȱǰȱ ǰȱǯȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱȱȱ¢ȱǰȱȱ ǯ ȱ ǯȱǯȱȱȱǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǰȱȱȱěȱȱȱĴȱȱȱǯȱ ȱ ¢ȱ Ȭȱ ȱ ȱ Ȭȱ ȱ ¢Ȭ ward and the great green glowing of bombs mushrooming in the ǯȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱ Ěǰȱȱȱȱȯȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱęȱȯȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯ My new war essay will be covered with blood, and halfȬ way through some kid will come home missing a leg and everyone 12 ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱę¢ȱȱȱȱȯȱȱȱ friend, the one who will later get drunk and press the heels of his ȱȱȱȱȱȯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ Ȭ ȱ¢ȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱĴȱ¢ǯȱ ȱ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱ¢ȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ¡ȱ¢ǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȬ ȱ ǰȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱěȱȱ ȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱǰȱȱȱĚǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱĚȱȱ¢ȱ ȱ¢ǰȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱěȱȯȱĚȱǰȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ££ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ¢ǯȱȱĚǯȱ A brief respite from the bombs and bullets careening around inside ȱǯȱ ȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱĚǰȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱǯȱȱ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ¢ȱȯȱ¢ȱ ȱ¢ȱȯȱȱȱ ȱǯȱ There will be no marches in my new war essay, no drums, no songs being sung, unless they are forlorn cadences about soldiers ¢ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱĚȬęȱȱȱěȱȱ buildings, martial music striking up from speakers mounted on a ¢ȱǯȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱ¢ȱ ȱęȱ ȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱǯȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ It will come brightly painted with slogans, and men in gray suits will cheer my new war essay from pulpits while people below them ȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱ¡ǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱĚǯȱ ȱǰȱȱ£ǰȱȱǰȱĴȱȱĚȱ ȱȱ ¢ȱ ĚȱȱȱȱȱȬȱĚȱȱ¢ȱȱ rusted poles above walls where twisting wires and broken shards ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱĚȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱĚǰȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǯ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ǯȱ ǻȱ Ȃȱ want a new war essay where we live, do you?) So it will be set in ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¡Ȭȱ border where carrion birds sit on telephone poles, waiting, while 13 the dead lie in the streets and the occasional outburst of automatic ȱȱȱ ǯ ǯȱǯȱȱȱǯȱ There will be no human interest stories in my new war essay ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱǰȱȱęǰȱȱ¢ȱȬ ȱȱ ȱ ȱ¢ȱ ǯȱ Ú My new war essay will use the words freedom and democȬ racy and and the phrases maintaining order and £ȱ the region and ęǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȃȱ ȱȱȬ ¢Ȅȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ on our side, while showing us what we have to do to the people on ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱ ȱȱ¢ǯȱȱ ȱęȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱǯȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ war is about peace, and in my new war essay there will be many ȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱęęǰȱȱȱȱȯȱǷȱǷȱǷȱȯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱęȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȂȱȱȱȱȱęǰȱȱ¢ȱ new war essay, reasons to blow up people based on ethnicity, race, religious belief, sexual orientation, hair color or eye color or skin color, which hand they favor, if they like chocolate or strawberry ice cream more, the Steelers or the Cowboys, sweet potatoes or regular potatoes or no potatoes at all; and of course, you, the reader, will know that I am having a bit of fun at your expense, but you will also £ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ¡ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ any of the other hundreds of thousands of reasons we have gone to ȱȱȱǯȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ¢ǯȱȱȬ ȱǯȱȱǰȱ ǰȱǰȱǰȱǰȱ ǯȱȱ ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȂȱ lives, long stretches of time where they only worried about survivȬ ing, or worried whether the characters in my new war essay would ŗŚ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ will miss running water, and the children who miss food in the areas of my new war essay where food is missing will run through ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱĚȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱ¢ȱ ȱ ȱȬ ¢ȱ ȱȱǯȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ mostly death, places where even life is now missing, great swaths of land missing what once lived there, before my new war essay ȱ Ĵǯ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȬ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȱ¢ȱȱǰȱȱȱ ȱęȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱ ȱ ¢ǰȱȱȱȱ the bullets and bombs and missing limbs and missing lives, and even if we do become overwhelmed by the words that are not writȬ ȱȱ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ¢ȱȯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ Ĵȱ about war because there really are no words that can ever capture what war is — we will be bolstered by my new war essay because more and more and more my new war essay will come to assert, again and again, that it is right, and is always right, and always has ȱǯȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ¢ȱȱȯȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱ someone will question my new war essay, and then the smoke lying heavy in the streets will become not so much a screen as a silhouȬ Ĵǯȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢Ȭ ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱǯȱ 15 ѕђȱђќіџіѠѡȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Eliot Khalil Wilson ǯ ǯ ǯ ȱȂȱȱȱȱȱȱȱĴȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱĚȱ ¢ȱȱ¢ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ¢ȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ street, and so it is that we are nearly pals and practically speak to ȱǯȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱĵ Mel Gibson drove over ¢ȱȱǯȱȱǯȱȂȱȱȱȱȃȱȱ Ȅȱ ǯȱȱ ȱ ȱȱ ȱ¢ȱĚȱȱǯȱ ȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱǯȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ęȱǰȱęȱĴ¢ǰȱęȱǰȱ¢ȱȱĴǰȱ¢ȱ¡ȱȬ ȱ ǰȱ¢ȱ ¢ȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱ¢ȱ ȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ about all the sybaritic parties — snow banks of cocaine, fountains ȱȱǰȱ¢ȱȱȱ¢ȱǻǼȱȱȱȱȱȬ ȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱ not use the phrases ȱ or ȱȱȱǯ ȱ ȱȱ¢ȱĚ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȃȱȱ.Ȅȱȱ ȱȱȱDZȱȱȱȱ of Apollo, the sudden Mediterranean breeze, a rapture of bed curȬ ȱěȱȬǰȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ drunken youth counselor and a waterbed in the back of a van in ȱȱȱȱȂȱȱȱǰȱǯȱȱȱ select paramours to follow, there will be no cavalcade of scrofulous ǯȱ My wedding chapter will read like a kind of psalm but with a deȬ ȱȱȱ¢ǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǰȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱĚ ȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱ¢ȱȱ Ȭ¢ǰȱȬ ȱǰȱȱȱǯȱȱ will then appear blithely drunk and topless on every stretch of sand ȱȱęDZȱǰȱ¢ǰȱ¢ȱǰȱ¢ȱǰȱȱ ¢ȱȂȱ¢ȱ¡ǯ 16 ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ¢ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ £ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ǰȱ ¡ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ¢ǰȱ ¢ȱ Ȭȱ ȱ Ȭ ǰȱ¢ȱ ȱȱǰȱ¢ȱ ȱǰȱȱ ȱȬ ȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȂȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ the hip, or head to hip as the case may be? I am nothing average ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱ ǯ 17 юњђѠȱюџљȱќћђѠȱюѡѠȱѕќќѝіђȱіђȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ĵ ȱȱ In winter, we beat the cream in steel bowls, and our wrists are hurtȬ ǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȬȱȱȱȱȬ ǯȱȱȱĴȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȬ ǰȱȱȱȂȱǰȱȱȱȬȱǰȱ¢ǰȱȱ ǰȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱ ǯ Ú ȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱǷȱwhile mom, ȱȱǰȱȱ¢ȱ ¢ȱ ȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱȱ molasses ǰȱyou will think she’s mispronouncing ǯȱHer ȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱ Ú ȱŗşŞŚǰȱ¢ȱȬǰȱ¢ȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱĴȱȱȯȱȱȱȱǯȱDad uses words, like pussy. You begin wondering about the feel of the tape ȯȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ ȱȱȬ tism and particles, and you read somewhere that ferric oxide is inȬ ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȬęȱǯȱȱǰȱ ȱǰȱȱ¢ȱ Ȭęǯȱȱȱ¢ȱȂȱȱ ȱ ȱęȱȱ ȱȯȱȱȱȬȬ ǯȱ Ú In the whisking, is both the whisking away, and the whisking toȬ ǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱǰȱȱǰȱ ȱȱǯ Ú ȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱǰȱǰȱȱǯȱ Ú Here, we work hard to make the liquid of things go away, apply strength and heat, coagulant and the kind of voice called ȱ manner. 18 Ú ȱ ŗşŞŚǰȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱǰȱȱȱǰȱĴȬ ǰȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ Ȃȱǯȱ Ú ȱ Ȃȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱ Ȃȱ ǰȱȱ ȱ Ȃȱ ǰȱȱ¢Ȃȱȱǯȱ Ú ȱ¢ȱȱǰȱȱǰȱȱĜȱȱǰȱȱ ȃęȄȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ Ȃȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȱȱȱǰȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȱȱȬ ¢ȱȱȱǯȱ Ú In the Whoopie Pie is every Amish woman’s broken leg, tendonitis, ȱ¢ǰȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ǰȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱǰȱ ȱ DZȱȂȱȱȱȱęȱǯȱȂȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱǰȱǯȱ Ú ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ Ú ȱ DZȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ he talks of weirs, the barriers he used to install in order to alter the ȂȱĚ ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱęǯȱ Ú ȱ ȱęȱ¢ȱȱ ȱǯȱ ȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱ ȱǯȱ Ú 19 ȱȱȱȱ ǰȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȱȱȂȱ ǰȱȱ ǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ ǯȱ Ú ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ě¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ǰȱȱ¡ǰȱȱȱ¡ȱȱȱǯȱ ǰȱ ȱęȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱǯȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ǯȱ Ú ȱŗŝŗŝǰȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱ ȱ£ȱȱȬ stock froze and our vocal chords constricted and we all tipped more ȱǯȱȱǰȱȱȱȬȱǰȱǯȱȱȱ ǰȱȱǰȱ¢ȱ ǯȱȱ Ȃȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱǰȱŘśȬȱ ȱ ȱǯȱ Ú In winter, we write our names on the windowpanes with our ǯȱȱȱȱ ǰȱȱěȱȱǯȱ Ú ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ Ȭ¢ȱ ǯȱȱǯȱȱǰȱȱ¢ǰȱȱ ǯȱȱȱǰȱȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ¢ǰȱ ¡£ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ Your father, or my father, says ǯ ǯ ǯ a good strong name. You don’t tell ȱȯȱȱȱȱȂȱȱȱȯȱȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ǯ Ú ȱȱȱȱDZȱǰȱȱǰȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱǰȱǯȱ Ú ȱ ȱDZȱ¢ȱȂȱȱȱȂȱȱ ǰȱȱȱ¡ǰȱ 20 ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȂȱȱȱ the pitch of your voice is the smallest of something, the largest of ǯ Ú In 1717, a record number of pirates raided vessels along the Maine ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȭȱ ship called a snow. Ú The world’s largest Whoopie Pie was slapped together in South PortȬ ȱȱȱŘŖŗŗǯȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȱ ȱ 1,062 pounds, and was sold by the slice, and the proceeds went to the mailing of smaller Whoopie Pies to Maine soldiers in Iraq and ǯȱȱǰȱȱǰȱ¢ȱȱȱȬ ¢ȱȱǯȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȂȱȱȱȱȱǯ Ú When Maine’s blueberry farmers and potato farmers and sweet corn farmers and dairy farmers found that their wives had, in their lunch pails, wrapped in linen a small chocolate cookie sandwich ȱȱ ȱȱęǰȱ¢ȱ¢ȱǰȱǷȱThat ¢ȱ ȱȱȱĴȱȱȱȱȱȱ¡ǯȱ ȱ¢ȱǰȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱ¡ȱȬȬ masculine did not slow their eating, compel them to wipe the cream ȱȱǯȱ¢ȱǰȱȱ¢ǰȱȱĚȱȱǯȱ Ú ȱŘŖŗŗǰȱȱȱȱȱǯǯȱŝŗǰȱȃȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȄȱȱ¢ȱ ǰȱȱȱ ȱ ȱǰȱȱȱǰȱȬ ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱǰȱȱȱ received full bipartisan support, and your father, or mine, asked what the fuck this had to do with the dropping lobster prices, and your mother, or mine, began whisking not only for her body, but ȱȱǯȱ Ú ¢ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ 21 ȱȱǯȱȂȱȱȱǰȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȂȱȱȱ ȱȂȱ DZȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȂȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱ ǰȱ ȱȂȱǰȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ Ú ȱĴȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ¡ȱ Ĵǯȱ Ú The breastbone of the dove is relatively stronger than that of the ǯȱ Ú Ȃȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ Ȭ ȱȱ ǰȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱ father says he’s beaten many people up, sure, but he’s never thought ȱ ȱ¢ǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǰȱor the ȱȱȱȱȱ Ĵȱ, or hornedǯȱȱ ȱȱȱ sex. ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ¡Ȭ ǯȱ Ú ¢ȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ ǯȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȂȱȱȱȬǯȱ Ú ȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȃ¢ȱĴȱ ȱȱǰȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ¢Ȭ ȱȱȱ¢ǯȄȱ¢ȱ¢ǰȱȃȱȱȱȱȱǯȄȱ My mother says nothing to her of cheating, of shortcuts, of Darth ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱ Ú ȱDZȱȱěȱȱȱǰȱ ǯȱ¢ȱ¡ǯȱȱ ȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȬ ȱDZȱ¢ȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ ȱȱȱǯȱ Ú 22 ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ Ěȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ĚǰȱȱȱǯȱȱȂȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ ¢ȱȱǯ Ú ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ¢ǵȱȱȱȬȬȱȱ sandwich the voice of the new war bond? My mother looks at a ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȂȱǯ Ú ȱǯ Ú ǰȱ ȱȱ ȱȱǯȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱ ǯȱ Ú ȱȱȱȱȱę¢ǰȱȱ ȱȱȱ¡¢ǯȱȱȱ¡Ȭ ¢ȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢ǰȱ ȱȱǯȱ Ú ¢ȱǰȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȬ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȂǯȱ¢ȱ ǰȱȱ Ȃȱ ǰȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ¢ȱ ȱǰȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱȱĴǯȱȱȱĴȱǰȱȱȱȱȬȬ ęȱǯȱ Ú ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱȱǯ Ú ǯ ǯ ǯ of how Kenduskeag means Ȭ ȱǯ Ú ȱȱ¢ȱȱǰȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ 23 Dark Side, we are the horse in the mild winter, our names frozen ȱ ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ŘŚ ѕђȱіѠѐіѝљђѠȱќѓȱњњюѢѠȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Emily Viggiano Saland — After the forger Han van Meegeren ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ěȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱǯȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢Ƿȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȂȱȱǯȱ ȱȱęȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱ ȱ ¢ȱȱȱȂȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱǻȱ ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȬ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯǼȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ in the rarity of lapis lazuli making ultramarine the most expensive ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȬ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯ 25 ђџќџюљȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Emily Viggiano Saland 26 ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ќѡђѠȱќћȱѡѕђȱѐюџђѐџќѤȱ Emily Viggiano Saland Some days the whole ȱȱ ȱȱȱǯ When that happens, the only task of the scarecrow is to communicate Ȃȱȱȱȱ¢ǯ Ú The scarecrow is rigid as a spade scratched into the dirt [ȱȱȱǰ a seedǾǯ Ú ȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱ ȱȱ ȱȱě to suggest scarecrow would he give us the birds, ȱȱęȱȱǵ Ú The scarecrow has been translated ¢ȱǯ ȱȱȱȱȱǯ His arms, for example, [ ǰȱȱ¡ȱȱȱ or missing entirely.] Ú Some days, the scarecrow knows that this is the world, ȱǯ 27 ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ [Antecedent undetermined.] It’s in the grass too, if you take it in your hands ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ ǯ 28 ѥѐђџѝѡђёȱѓџќњȱѕђȱюџјȱѢџѡѕђћȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱęȱ ȱǯ ȯȱȱŗDZŞ ȱŚȱ ȃȄȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǰȱȱ if by design, arranged at the throat of the toilet like a bunch ȱȱǰȱȱȱȱĚȱȱ¢ȱ¡ȱȱ ȱȱ ¢ǯȱ ȱŜȱ ǰȱ ¡ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱ ȱŘśȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ¢ǰȱ ȱ ěȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱȱ¡ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ¢ȱ Ȭ ǯȱȱȱȂȱȱȱ ǯ ȱŗȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ of which rose at least an inch above the level of the water, ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱęȱȱȱǯȱ ȬȱĚȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ ǰȱ while searching for a nail clipper in the upper vanity drawȬ ǰȱȱȱȬ£ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȃȱ ǯȄ ȱŚȱ ȱ ¡ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȃȱ £ǰȱȱȱǰȱȱ¢ ȱǯȱȱȱȬ ¢ȱȱȱǯ ȱŝȱ ¢ȱȱ¡ȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȂȱȱ¡ȱǯȱȱȱ 29 ȱ¢ȱǯȱȱ ȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱ££ȱǵ Mar 8 Read through several pages on the Ismaili Order of the AssasȬ sinsȱ ȱȃȱ¢ȱ¢ȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȄȱȬ duced an undistinguished several small, thin tubules the ȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱ ȱȃȬ ȄȱȱȱȱȃȄȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȃ ǯȄȱ ȱŗŚȱ ȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȬȱȱ ǰȱ ȱȱ Ěǰȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ ęȱȱĴȱȱȱ¡ȱ¢ȱȬ ȱȱȱǯȱ Mar 28 This morning an heliacal twist with a ǯ ǯ ǯ of smaller dollops ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȬ ȱ ¢ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ěȱ ǰȱ ȱ works toppled over on its side and disappeared into the ȱȱȱǯȱ ȱŘȱ ȱĴȂȱȃȱ ȱ ȱȱȄȱǻȱȱ some sort of instrument of torture) and recall last night’s DZȱȱǯȂȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȬ ÊȱȱȱȱȱȬ¢ȱȱȱȬ tual ambush from which they didn’t recover for the rest of ȱǯȱ ȱŞȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱŗŖȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱĴȱȱ ǰȱȃǰȱǰȱȱǰȄȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȯȱȬ ǰȱǰȱȱȬȱȱȱ at the mouth of a harbor, for which municipal tour guides ěȱȱ¡ǯȱȱȱȱȱȬȱ Ȃȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱŗŗȱ ȱȱȱǰȱǰȱȱȱȱŚśȬȬ gree angle to the throat of the toilet with the upper surface 30 ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱ¡ȱ ȱǰȱȱ ȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱ someone with such exquisite control over his sphincter that ȱȱȃȄȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȱ Apr 12 Read this morning from Moore’s ȱ¢ȱȱ¢ǰȱ ǯ ǯ ǯ in distinction from the , the exhalations from the ȱȱ¢ȱȱĴȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱǯȄȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȬ ¢ǯȱ ȱŗŚȱ ȱ¸ȱú·ȱȱ ĴȂȱȱǯȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱǯȱȱǯȱȱȬ ȱȱȱȬǯȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱ ¢ǰȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱǰȱ ȱǰȱȱȱǯȱȱǯȱȱĴȱȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ǻ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ěǼǰȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱȱ¡ȱȬ ǯȱȱȱȱȂȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ man with a deformed ear waving his hands in front of the ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǻȱ ¢Ǽȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱǯȱ Apr 16 Unbroken coil of feces this morning, which reminded ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱĚǯȱ Dropped a single square of toilet paper onto it, watched the lineaments of the coil slowly emerge, as if from behind a ȱȱǰȱȱĚȱ ¢ȱȱ ǯȱ Apr 19 Immense discharge this morning, with peaks rising above the surface of the water in arrangements of considerable ¡¢ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱęǯȱ¢ȱȱȬ minate on the alleged translocation of the Islands of the ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱěȱȱȱȱěȬ ȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱĚ¢ǰȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱǯ ȱŘŖȱ ȱȱȱȱ¡ǰȱȱȱȱǻ¢ǼȱȱȱȬ ken ankh, a broken spoon, a broken shackle, and a broken ǯȱ 31 May 8 While at the park, let loose a warrior king’s tirade into the ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯ ¢ȱşȱ ȱȱȬǰȱȱȱȱȱȯȱȱ a length of Polish sausage terminating in a tuft of respiraȬ ¢ȱǯȱ ȱ¡ȱǰȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱǯ May 15 Perfectly immobile, mildly odoriferous stool this morning ȯȱȱ¢ǰȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱȱęǯȱ I wouldn’t think of probing it manually, though it might ¢ȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱǯȱȱȱ¢Ȭ like mass, at once both sinister and meaningless — it calls ȱȱȂȱȱȱǰȱȱĚȱȱȱ ȱ she has elected to equip with peonies for heads, and not the cypripedium, or lady’s slipper orchid, that I had proȬ ǯȱȃȱȱ¢ǵȄȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȃȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱǰȱȱȱĚ ȱȱȱ¢ȱ£ȱȱ of a hideous alien and often appears to have veins running ȱǵȄȱȱȱȱȂȱȱȱȃȱ ȄȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ retical surmise — that an aberrant plasticity of association ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ huge canines inside a stupid cluster of petals, blood in the ȱȱȱȬȱǯȱ ¢ȱŗŝȱ¢ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ ǯȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ¢Ȭȱ¡ȱ¢ǵȱ May 25 To the degree that they abhor it, men wash themselves in ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǰȱȱ and still other waters circle beneath ȱ ǯȱ ¢ȱŘŝȱȱǻ¢ǯǼ ¢ȱŘŞȱȱȱ¢ȱĚǰȱȱȱȱȂȱȱȬȱȱȬ 32 ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱĚȱȱ ęȱěȱǯ ȱřȱ ȱȱęǯȱ Jun 8 Too soon I shall enter my second infancy, and the bowel’s ¢ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱ Jun 9 Recalled yesterday my boyhood neighbor, Cents, who badȬ ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱ He must have been in his early forties at the time, I fourteen ȱęǯȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȏȏȏȏȏǰȱȱ ȱĚ¢ȱȱȱ¡ȱ¢ȱǯȱ ȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ nature of vaginas and discussion of a family disease with which he was stricken, a disease that required that his coȬ ȱȱ£ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱ ǰȱȃȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǰȄȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȃ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǰȄȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱ¢ǯȱȱ ȱĴ¢ȱ¢ęȱ¢ȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱęȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱĴȱȱȱ didn’t, thinking it somehow inappropriate to interrupt my ȱ ȱȱȃȱȱȱȱǯȄȱȃȱ¢ȱȱ ȱǰȱȱ¢ȱǵȄȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ǯȱ ȃȂȱȱĴ¢ǰȄȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱěȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȱȱ I agreed to participate in one public performance with the ǰȱȱȱȂȱȱȱȏȏȏȏȏǯȱȱ ȱ ȱȬ ing for the event in the basement boiler room, Cents at last showed me the aperture in his side, after asking with great ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȃǯȄȱǻǰȱȱȱȬ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱěȱȱȱȬ ǰȱȱĴȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱǯǼȱȱȃȱ ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱǵȄȱȱ ȱȱ me repeatedly during drives home from the barbershop ȱǯȱȱ ¢ȱȱ¢ǰȱȃȱȂȱ ǰȱ 33 ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱǵȄȱȱȱ ȱ ǰȱȃ¢ǰȄȱȱȂȱǰȱȱȱ ȱǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱ ȱȱǯȱȱȱ invariably Cents would challenge me to a farting contest, ȱȱȱĴȱȱǰȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȃ ¢ǰȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱǵȄȱ ȱŗŖȱ ǻ ȱ£ǯǼ ȱŚȱ DZȱȱȱȱȬȱȱȱ ȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱĴȱȱȱȬ ǯ Jun 16 Harassed woman metamorphoses into heifer; shrub in Ěȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Dzȱ Ȭȱ ȱ ǰȱ ǰ and gh into voiced plosives ǰȱǰ and ǰȱǯDzȱȱȱ ȱȱDzȱȃȬȄȱȱȃ¢Ȭ¢ȄDzȱȱ ȂȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȬȱǯȱ ȱŘŗȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ rates of digestion have been closely scrutinized for the preȬ ceding several months, are trussed up in an apparatus on a pillar at the center of a lake, their arms extended and open in a supplicative posture, their torsos held aloft by three ȱǰȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȬDzȱȱ ȱȱȱĴȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ¡ȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ At the appointed time late in the evening before the solstice ȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱęȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ ministers a series of palpitations and auscultations of his ǯȱȱ¢ȱȱ¡ȱęȱȱȱȂȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ sun through the solstitial point at the southern Tropic, he ȱǰȱȱǰȱȱȱ¡ǯȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ stands directly overhead, the work of the preceding year ȱȱDZȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱ ǰȱȱȱ and treasury of the tribe are at once contained in this excreȬ řŚ ȱȱǯ ȱŘŚȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȃȱ ǯȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȃȱ Ěȱ ¢ǯȱ ǯȱ ȱ Ȭ ȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǰȱȱȱȱĚȱ ȱȱǰȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱŘŜȱ ǰȱǰȱ¢ȱ ȱěȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȂȱ ¢ǰȱ ȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱĴȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱ ȱřŖȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯ ȱŞȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¡ȱ ¢ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱęĴȱȱ the side of the ȱ ȱ ¡ǰ which scrutiny inȬ ȱȱȱŗŞŖȬȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ collapse of the spine, both of which I accomplished withȬ out any strain whatsoever, though why the dream had me twist around so and not simply bring my head down venȬ ¢ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢¢ȱ ǻǯȱ ȱ ȱȱȬǼǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱDZȱęȱ¢ǰȱ ȱȱ¢ȱǰȱǰȱĚ¢ȱ ǰȱ calliope bolts, all trapped in a smooth and accommodating ¡ȱǻȱȱȱ ȱǰȱǼǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ĵȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȭ ȱȱȱȱȱȱęĴȱȱǰȱ¡ȱȱȱ ȱ ¡ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ěȱ ȱ ȱ Ĵǯȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱ ¢ȱ Ĵȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱ ȱȱ ǯȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ and at the same time, or so I intuited, determining the comȬ ȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱȱęȱȱȱȬ ȱ¡ǰȱȱȱęǰȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȬ 35 ęǰȱȱȱȱ¡ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱĴȱȱȱȃȱȱȱ ȱǰȄȱȱȱȱ ȱęĴȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ǯȱ Jul 9 ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱǰȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¡ǰȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱǰȱ¢ȱȱȱȬǯ Jul 10 Divinities of our psychical moons stir typhonic forces at the ȱȱȱǰȱęȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ǯȱȱȱȱȱǯ Jul 12 In primitive/industrial terms, the defecating animal’s anus ȱȱȱȬȱǰȱȱ ȱȱ Ě ȱȱ¡ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȬ Ȭȱȱ ǰȱȱȱȱȱȬ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȭ ¢ȱǯȱ ȱŗŚȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȭȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ the upper right a shag of pope’s knuckles cornered in a bay ǯȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǯ ȱŗśȱ ǻȱǯǼ ȱŗŜȱ ȱȱȱȱ Ȭ¢Ȭȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱ when by accident, after untold aeons, he happens to fashion ȱȱȱȱȱǻȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢Ȭ Ȭ Ǽǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȱ¡ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȬȱȱȱȱǰȱȬ ǰȱȱȱȱǯȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢Ƿȱ ȱŗşȱ ȱěȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ id granite extending the length of my descending colon, the 36 ȱȱ ȱ¢ȱ ȱ¢ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱěǯȱ ȱŘŖȱ ȱȱȱǷȱȱȱǷȱȱ¢Ȭ ognomy of the smiley face captures subtler degrees of nuȬ ǯ ȱŘŚȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǰȱ ȱę¢ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȬ tasy of a tribal mascot who is fed and defecates for years ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȬȬ ȱȱǯȱ ȱŘȱȱ ǻǯǼ ȱŚȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱĚȱȬ ǯ ȱŜȱ ȱȱ ǰȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ¢ȱ Ȃȱȱȱȱǯȱ Aug 9 Loud, silly voidance about a quarter of an hour ago, all ¢ȱȱȱĴǰȱȱȱěǰȱ ȱȱȬ ǰȱȱȱȱ Ȭȱ·ȱǯȱ Aug 10 The face of the sleeper is the emblem of innocence, but there is another face, which discloses, between its Aeolus cheeks, ȱ Ȭȱ ǰȱ ěȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ A thiol plume steers the uniȬ ǯȱ ȱŗŗȱ ȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱ ȱDZȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱǯ ȱŗřȱ¢ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ęǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯ ȱŗŜȱȱǻȱǯǼ 37 Aug 27 Possible worlds of the philosophers are devoid of excrement ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯ Aug 28 Happened absently to be opening and closing the vanȬ ity cupboard door when I noticed that the friction catch ǻȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ƹȱ ȱ Ǽȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ rectum/sphincter assembly were more or less homologous ǻȱǰȱȱȱƽȱǰȱȱȱƽȱǼǰȱȱ¢ȱ in gross structure, insofar as while a distension in the walls of the rectum triggers, via stress receptors, the defecation Ě¡ǰȱ ȱ ¡ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¡ȱ ȱ and allows a release of rectal cargo, the two elements of ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ¡ȱǯȱ¡ȱ ȱ ȱǯȱ¡ȱȱ ǯ ȱŘȱȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȃǰȄȱ Ȭ ȱȱȱęȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǰȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱĴǯȱ Sep 3 Carefully laid two pieces of toilet paper torn into triangles on either side of a miniature sea wall of delicate globes and DZȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱ¡Ȭ ȱĴĚ¢ǯ ȱŚȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱ ¢ȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱ£¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ǯȱ ȱśȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȯȱȱȂȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱȱǯ ȱŜȱȱ ǻȱȱǯǼ ȱŝȱ ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ ¡ȱȱȱȬȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ¢ȱǯ Sep 8 Read an article yesterday in the Timesȱȱȱěȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱǯȱȱ 38 ěȱȱĴȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ¡ȱȱ ȱ£ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ ȱȱ£ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢ǯ ȱşȱ ȱȱȱȱ DZȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱ ȱȱ¢Dzȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱ what does it feed? ȱŗŖȱ ȱȱǯ ȱŗŗȱ ǰȱ ȬȬȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȂȱǯȱȂȱȱȱȱǰȱȱǯȱ ȱŝȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱěȂȱǯ ȱŗŗȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ £ǰȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱȱ Ȭȱȱǰȱ ȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢Ȭ¢ȱ ¢ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ Ěȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ resting on the head of a coach bolt with a bit of the shaft ǯȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱ¢ȱȱȬ ȱǯȱ ȱŗŘȱ ȱȬȱȱȱȱȯȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱǯȱȱȱ longshoreman in me wanted to belay a length of carpet ȱȱǯ ȱŗśȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ¢ȱȱ thus are closer to immortality, and correlatively, unashamed ȱȱǯȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȬ Ȭȱ¢ǰȱǰȱ¢ȱȱȱŘŚȬȱȱ parade, to the idea that he will live forever — the debased ¢ȱȯȱȱȱȱȱęȱȱȱ form of social acceptance, which carries with it the manȬ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȱ ȱ what a hygiene detached from ideology would look like, a 39 hygiene practiced solely for the purposes of minimizing ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȱȃȱ ǯȄȱȱĴȱĴ prescribes long concentrated meditation on charnel grounds and corpses and the noxȬ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ mudraǯȱ Shit interrupts the dissociative dream, even if the interrupȬ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ¢ȱȱǯȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ closest equivalent to the nunc stans. ȱŗŜȱ ȱȱǰȱȱȱȱęǯ ȱŗŝȱ ȱȱęǯ ȱŗŞȱȱ ǰȱęǯ ȱŘŖȱ ¢ǰȱȱȱǻ ȱǼǰȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǻȱ ǼǰȱȱȱȬȱ ȱ¢ǯ ȱŘřȱ ¢ȱȱȱ¡ȱȱȱ¡ȱȱȱȱȱȱ to rebellion they once were, as the demands of vocation and ȱȱȱȱȬȱȱȱȱȱȬ ȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ of real transport, and one’s free time is all that can, but only temporarily, banish the anxiety of shriveling horizons, while small docile explosions in the bowel rearrange to no ěȱĴȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱ ȱŘśȱ ę¡ǰȱǰȱǯȱ ȱŘŜȱ DZȱȃ¡ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȄ ȱŘŝȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱǯ ȱśȱ ȃȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǵȄȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȃȱ quantity of space can our eyes hope to take in between our birth and our death? How many square centimeters ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǵȄȱ ȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱ ŚŖ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ǰȱ ȱ ¢ȱ acknowledge the futility of world travel? I reiterate what the ȱȱ£DZȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱ ȱȱ ǰȱȬ ȱ¢ȱ ȱǯȱ ȱŜȱȱ ȃȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ at one time so venerated that it was collected and worn as ǯȄȱȱȱ¢ǰȱAnomalies and Curiosities of MediȬ cine. ȱŚȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱ ȱśȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱǻȱȱ ȱ ȱȱǼǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȱ ȱŞȱ Ĵȱȱ ¢ȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ ȱ¢ǯȱ ȱşȱ ȱȱȱ¡Ȃȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ of a rose — the weight of it against a chance disposition of ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱŗśȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱ ǯȱ ȱŗŞȱ ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱ¢ȱȱ tampons and replacement razor handles in the depths of the vanity drawer reminded me of ancient felled trees at the Ĵȱȱȱǯȱ ȱŘŗȱǰȱ ĚȬǰȱ DZȱ ȱ ¢ȱ Ȭ ȱ ȱȂȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱ ȱŘŘȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ¡ȱȱȱȱ¢Ȭ ȱǯȱ ȱŘśȱȱȱȱǯ Śŗ ȱŘŝȱȱ ȱ Knowledge Systemȱ ȱ ęȱ ǰȱ ȃȱ ȱ ȱ ǵȄȱȱȂȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱĴȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱřŖȱȱȃǰȄȱȱĴȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǰȱȃȱ ¡ȱȱȱȱ¡ȱȱȱǯȄȱȱęȬ ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯ ȱŗȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱǰȱęȱȱȱǯ ȱřȱ ¢ȱǯȱ ȱŚȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȂȱȱȂȱȱ¡Ȭ ȱǰȱĴȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȬ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ¢ȱęȱȱ of my metabolism contribute to the texture or granularity ȱȱȬȱ¡ǵȱǵȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱĚȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǵȱȱȱ¢ȱȱǰȱȱǯ ȱśȱ ȱȱ Ȭ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȭ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȂȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱ Dec 6 Why do I insist on trying to equate defecation with a speech act when I know full well there’s no equation to be made? ȱȱȱ¢ȱȬǵȱǰȱȱǯȱȱȱ be at work in this displacement the prohibition to take it ȱȱȬȱ¢ȱǰȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȬ ȱǻȱȱȱȱȱ Ǽȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱǯȱ ȱŝȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱI am not this preȬ dates I amǯȱȱȱȱȃȱǯȄ ȱŗŘȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯ ȱŗřȱ ȃ¢ȱ £¢ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ŚŘ ǯȄ ȱŗśȱ ȱĜȱǯȱ ȱŗŞȱ Ĵȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ DZȱ ȱ ȃ¢Ȅȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȭ ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱěȱȱȱǯȱ Watched her for the longest time, standing there facing the ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱǰȱȱȱ split second, thought I recognized in one part of her head and right shoulder, segregated by the grid of panes from ȱȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ќѡђDZ In 2008, the author was compelled, for reasons articulated to him by his gastroenterologist, to conduct the foregoing daily examinations for the duȬ ȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ be so protracted, the physician in question replied, somewhat cryptically, ȃȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱǯȄȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ęȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ǯ Śř џіяђѠȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ǯȱȱ¢Ȭ When I dressed up as a cowboy I smelled gunpowder in the tribe of the trigger, And when I taught a hungry child to steal bread I kneaded dough ȱȱȱȱǯ When I crumbled a crumb from that bread for a sidewalk bird I belonged tothe tribe of nature, and when the bird sang in the cage I felt myself a part of the tribe ȱǯ When I stammered I belonged to the tribe of the slowly silent, ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱǯ When I was invisible in the tribe of the blind, ȱȱȱȱȱȱȃȱȱȱȱǰȄ ȱ ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱşǰȱȱȃȱȱ ȱȱ ȱǰȄȱȱȱȱȱȱ¡ȱǯ The tribe of nomads introduced me to Cain, ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰ because of black eyelashes I’ve earned a branch on the tree of ǯ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ a thousand and one nights, ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȂŝřȱ I hang onto the tribe of the hyphen between the word shell and the word ǯȱ After eighteen years the saxophones of the Lord ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱĴȱȱȱ and then, in one moment, I had ȱǯ ŚŚ ћȱђѠѝќћѠђȱѡќȱѡѕђȱѢђѠѡіќћDZȱȱѕђћȱіёȱќѢ іџѠѡȱђђљȱѡѕђȱќѤђџȱќѓȱќђѡџѦӓȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ǯȱȱ¢Ȭ After all the whispers despaired of eliciting from her ȱ ǰȱȃǰȄȱ ȱȱȱȃȱ ȱ£ȱǯȄ She held my neck with the same hand that wiped a tear, ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯ ȱǰȱȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱ ȱȱȂȱǰȱȱ ȱȱ lime of words you spilled on the matador’s bloodstains, I would not be holding this girl whose army uniform ȱȱ ȱȱȱěȱȱȱȱ ȱęȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱěȱȱĚȱȱȱȱǯ The last horns of daylight burst from the head of the yellow bull, ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯ Śś юіљѠȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ǯȱȱ¢Ȭ ȱ ȱ ȱ¢ȱȱ£ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ To save his life in that war, He sewed for the SS Ĝȱȯȱ the very boots that ȱǯ ȃǰȄȱ once showed me his hands, and I thought he wanted me to admire the tough skin of ȱǯ ȃǰȄȱ almost wept, ȃ these ę I would have strangled them, but every boot I made saved me ȱǯ ȃ He never stopped hammering, and if they’d given him a chair at the Academy of Language, the nails would have had names like Hitler, ǰ or ǯ His pleasure would grow as he smashed their heads and bent down their backs until their complete surrender into the darkness of ǯ Revenge, if only because of this story it’s possibleȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ǯ ŚŜ ȱ ѕіѠȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ǯȱȱ¢Ȭ This whose brain is the Commander of the body This whose body conceals desire in the cave of genitals This whose genitals moisten the lips of the hostages This whose hostage is the broken tooth in the mouth shouting commands This whose command knows no borders This whose border is stretched like a sock This whose sock is silent This whose silence unravels threads from the gnarl of words This in whose brains words are stuck like a fence ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯ Śŝ ȱ ќѢџȱќђѡѠȱіћȱѡѕђȱіњђȬюћюєђњђћѡȱќџјѠѕќѝ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ǯȱȱ¢Ȭ Someone voiced regret that her laundry Ȃȱȱȱǯ ȃȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȄ The second stored coal ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯ The third thought we should wrap the hands of the clock in leopard skin ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯ ȱȱǰȱȃȂȱȱȱȱ ǯȄ ¢ȱ ǰȱȃȂȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȄ ŚŞ ѕђȱќђњѠȱќѓȱіњюȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ǯȱȱ¢Ȭ Listen Ronny, if the men knew how to whistle Like in my mother’s stories, ȂȱȱȱȱȃȱǯȄ ȱǰȱȂȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǰ And after their heads turned toward me I provided income for many orthopedists Ȃȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯ At night I sleep on a slant, alone, ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǯ Yes, I too don’t know exactly what I’m saying, ȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȂȱ¢ȱȱȱĚ ǵ ¢ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ¢ȱȱ¢ǯ ȱ ȱȱȂȱȱȱȱǯȱȂȱȱ ¢ȱȱ ȱǯ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȂȱ ȱ£ǰȱȱȱȱ Ȃȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¡ȱ¢ǯ His father says that with hands like his he could be an engineer ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ cousin ȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȂȱ¢ȱ built ȱĚȱȱȱȱȱȱǯ ȃȱȱ¢ȱǰȄȱȱȱǰ ȃȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǯȄ Just for that I’d marry him, but My father says that all the girls in the village hear the same thing, ȱȱȂȱȱęȱȱȱȱȱęȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱǯ ȱ ȱ¢ȱęȱȱȱȱȱ·ȱȱ ǯ ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ¢ǯ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ǯȱȂȱȱȱǰȱ I know, ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ Śş ȱȂȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǯ The best poem in the world ǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱǯ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ ǯ ȃȱǰȄȱȱǰȱȃȱȱȱȱǯȄ ȱȱ ȱǯȱ ȱȱȱ ȱ¢ǯ I hope I didn’t mix up his name, ȱȂȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱDZ ȱȱĚ¢ǰȱ ȱȱȱęȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱ ȱȱǰ And then like that Russian, after one line ȱȱȱȱ ȱǯ 50 ќѡѡђџёюњǯȱќђњȱќѓȱюȱќџѡȱюћёȱюћȱѝќљќєѦȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ǯȱȱ¢Ȭ The masts of the crane like the legs of a woman Are creamed with grease applied by ȱȱȱǯ In one of the raised lifts In the light of sunset I hide ȱĴȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ¢ǵ ȱȱęȱǯȱ What can be done when in this port ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱě ȱ ȱȱȱǯ 51 ȱњȱюћѦȱќћȱѢіѥќѡђѠȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ǯȱȱ¢Ȭ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ¡ǯ ȱ¡ȱ ȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱ¡ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱęȱȱ Ȃȱȱ on the aȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱ¡ȱȱȱǯ ȱȱ£ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯ The donkey imagines the Messiah and gets brushed by the wings ȱȱ ǯ The wind brushes the roofs of houses, is sheared by the drawing out of a word ȱȱȱ ȱĴȱ ȱȱ£ǯ ȱ¡ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ¡ȱȱȱǯ ȱȱȱěȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱ 52 ћѐљђȱюљіњȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ǯȱȱ¢Ȭ In the days when there was respect for train tickets And they were printed on no less than green cardboard, ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱĴȱȱȂȱȱȱȱ ȱ And helped us to imagine a steering wheel as wide ȱȱ ȱ ȱȱǯ We closed one eye, held the hole in the ticket close ȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱ A red tie sharp as a sword, that he wore ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ Ȃȱǯ Then he would breathe in the memory ȱȱ of another country, ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰ They would breathe air cleaner than the moth ball atmosphere, That clung to the suitcases of memory of the new immigrants ȃȱȱȱǰȄȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȱ ȃȱȱȱǰȄ Just in time to load the cars With the 99 years of his life, The top hat he loved to move from side to side And the leftover applause ȱ ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȬǯ ќѡђDZ ȱȱȱǻȱŗřǰȱŗşŖŘȱȮȱ¢ȱŚǰȱŗşşŗǼǰȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱǯ 53 ѦȱђљюћѐѕќљіюǰȱѦȱќћќєюњѦȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Natania Rosenfeld ȱȱȂȱȱȱȱ, the reclusive narrator ȱȱȱDZȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ ǯ ǯ ǯ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȬ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǰȱěȱȱ¡¢ǯȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȂȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȯȱȱȱǰȱ ěȱȱȱȯȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱǯ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢DZȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȭ ǰȱȱ¡ȱȱȱȱǯ The other night, I ran into my friend’s husband out on a date ȱȱ¢ǯȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱ Ȃȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢ǰȱĴȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱ ǰȱȱȱȂȱȱǯȱȂȱ ¢ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȬǯȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȭ ǯȱȱȱȱ¢ǰȱ¢ȱȱ¢ǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱ ǵȱ ¢ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱęȱȱȱDzȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¡ǯȱ ǰȱ¢ǯ ȱ ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ¡ǰȱȱ¢ȱȱ Person has gone away for the evening, and it is dusk, and dusk is ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱ¢ȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȬ ȱĴȱȱę¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ I know that we can’t all have everything we want from one perȬ ǯȱȱȱȱǰȱ¢ȱǰȱ ȱȱȱ ȱǯȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǻǰȱǼȱ ȱ ȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱ ǯȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ ǯȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ęȱ ȱ¢ǯȱȂȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱ ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱǯȱĴȂȱȱȱȱ śŚ ȃȬȱ ǯȄȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȭ ęȱȱ¢ȂȱȃȱǯȄȱȱȬȱǰȱȬ ȱ¡ǰȱȱȬȱDZȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ the past, it was precisely my melancholia that threatened to lead me ¢DZȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱ my melancholia is alleviated by medicine, and I know that I’m not a sucker to take life on its own, highly questionable, infuriatingly ȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȯȱĴ¢ȱǯ Ú ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ Ȃȱȱ¢ǯȱȂȱȱ££ȱȱȱ ȱ ĴȱȱŗşŗŚȱ¢ȱȱěĴȱ ȱȱȱǯȱ¢ȱȃȄȱ Richardson explained that her act had been prompted by the arrest, ȱ¢ȱǰȱȱȱDZȱȃȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ picture of the most beautiful woman in mythological history as a protest against the Government for destroying Mrs Pankhurst, who ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǰȄȱȱǯȱȱȱ ŗşśŘȱ ǰȱȱȱȱȱȃȂȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȄȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȬ vites gaping, in particular the fact that she is gaping at herself in a ǯȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȬ Ȃȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǰȱȱȂȱȱȱȱȱȱȱĚǯȱȂȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǻȱȱȱȱ¡ȱǼǯȱȱȱ¡ȱ ȱǰȱȱĚǰȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ¢Ȃȱȱȱ ȱǯȱ¢Ƿȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱĴȱęȱǯȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱ¢ǯȱȱ ȱȱ£ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱǯȱ¢ȱȱȱȬ ȱȱȱ ȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱ ¢ȱ¢ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȂȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȂȱȃ Ȭ¢Ȅȱǻ ȱ that means) and the dancers are truly beautiful, I’m afraid it will ǯ ȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȂȱȱ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱ ¢ȱȱǯȱȱȂȱǰȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱ ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ 55 ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ¡ǯȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǰȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱǯȱ¢ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ DZȱȱȂȱ¢ȱ¢ȱȱǰȱȱȱȂȱ¢ȱ ¢ȱȱȱ¢ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǯ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȬ cause I found her impenetrable; her beauty was too masculine, too Ȭǯȱ ȱ¢ȱȂȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱĴȱ ȱȱȱ ǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȱȱǯȱȱ¢ȱȱǰȱȱȱǰȱĚȬȬ ¢ȬĚȱǰȱȱ ȱ¢ȱ¢ȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱěȱ ǯ ȱ¢ǰȱǰȱȱ DZȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ¡ȱ ¢ǯȱ Ȃȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱĴȱȱ ǵȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱ¢ȱǰȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱȱ ǯǯȱȱ¢ȱȱȯȱȱȱǰȱȂȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ ȯȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱ ǯȱȂȱȱȱȱ ¢ǯȱ Ȃȱȱȱ¢ȱǰȱȱȱȱȱęǯȱȱȱȱȱ ǯ When I was a child — now we get into personal neurotic hisȬ ¢ȱȯȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱǯȱȱ ȱ ȱ¢ȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȬ ¢ȱȱȱȱȂȱǯȱȱȱȂȱȱ¢ȱȱ ǰȱ lovingly packed for my school lunch by one or the other parent, ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱǰȱȱǯȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱDZȱȱ ȱȱǯȱ ȱȂȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱ ȱǰȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ Ȃȱȱ¢ȱȱǯ ȃȱ¢ȱȱǵȄȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ¢ǯȱǰ I think now, ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǵȱ I had to expend all my energy making sure they still wanted me ȱǯȱȂȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȂȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ¢ȱȱ ǯȱȱȱǰȱȱ¢ȱǰȱȱȱȱęǯȱ¢ȱ ȱȱ ȱǰȱȱǯǯȱȱ ȱǰȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȂȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱǰȱȱ¢ǰȱȃȱ ¢ȱȱǵȄȱȱǰȱȱ ǰȱȃȱ¢ȱȱǵȄȱȱ ȱ Ȃȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯ 56 ȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱǵȱȱǰȱȱǻ¢ȱȱęȱȱȱ in London, not on the prairie, where I normally live), and I decided Ȃȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱǰȱȱȂȱȱȱǯȱȂȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱǯǯǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȬȬȬ DZȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȂȱȱǰȱȂȱȱ ǯȱ¢ȱȱȂȱȱȱȱȱȱǯ Sometimes I cause myself agony by imagining his sudden, ¢ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȂȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱǻȱ¢ȱǼǯȱȬ ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱ Ȃȱȱ¢ȱȱǯȱȂȱȱǰȱȱ ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱǰȱǰ because it’s both hard and soft, as backs ǯȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ǰȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ǰȱ Dzȱ when someone’s back is facing you, you can also feel that person’s ¢ǰȱ¢ǯȱȱdosȱǻ ȱȱȱȱȬǰ the ȱȱȱȱǼȱȱȱȱDZȱ¢ȱȂȱȱ Dzȱ¢ȱ¢ȱǯȱȂȱȱ ¢ȱȯȱǰȱȂȱ¢ǯ ȱ ȱȱȱDZȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȂȱȱĚ¢ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ¢ǯȱȱ ȱĚǰȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǯȱȃȂȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱDzȱȱǷȄȱȱǰȱ ǰȱȱȯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ¡¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ doesn’t everything, even adultery, become repetitive? Within my ǰȱȱęȱǰȱ ȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱ ȱȱ ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ gestures, adopt the same postures, and have the same conversaȬ tions, year in year out, but the plantation becomes gradually more ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ of thinner and more stultifying, somehow, through husbandry, ȱǯ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱǰȱȂȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱȱǰȱȂȱǯȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǷȱȂȱȱȱȱȬȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǰȱ ¢ȱDZȱȱ ȱǯȱ 57 Monogamy is a milk cow with a bit of something dark and ȱ ȱǯȱ ¢ȱȱȱȂȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱ ǵȱǻȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǰȱȱǰȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱȱ ȱǰȱ¢ȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱǯǼ Also, the melancholic — I hypothesize — needs to keep things ranked, categorized, separated, precisely because of her tendency ȱ¢ȬǯȱǰȱȱȱȱȱǻȱȱȬ assurance) of it, in bed at night of course, I make lists of my friends, ȱDZȱȱDzȱȱȱȱǰȱĴȱȱȱDzȱ ȱȱĴȱȱȱDzȱȱǯȱȂȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱ Ěǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ people from one category to the other, and sometimes I make addiȬ ǯȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱ ȱȱ been if I’d begun this list in my early to middle adulthood instead ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ¡ǰȱȂȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȬ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ And I try to keep my friends happy, because I don’t want to be ȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱ¢ǰȱȱȱǰȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱǰȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱǰȱǰȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȯȱȱȱȱěȱ ȱ ǯȱěȱȱȱǯȱ¡Ȭȱ Ȃȱȱȱȱ ȱ Ȃȱȱ ȱ¢ȱ ǯȱ The psychiatrist and writer Peter Kramer, one of my secular saints, says, in ȱ ǰ that people who care more for ȱȯȱę¢ǰȱ ȱȱǰȱ ȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱ¢ȱ ȱěȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱ ȱȱȬ ¢ȱȱȱĴȱȯȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱ in their wider circle, let alone amongst their immediate relatives, ěȱ ¢ǯȱ ǰȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱ ¢ǰȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ¢ȱ friends without the terror of being overwhelmed if something goes ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȃȱ feeling that having only one child leaves them in danger of absoȬ ȱǯȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ 58 ¢ǰȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǯ ¢ȱȱ ȱ ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ Ȭ ish parents, but with the additional element — I can only surmise this—of a fear that I’d turn out too unlike them to be a true companȬ ǯȱ¢ȱȱ ǰȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ to most parents, because I suddenly was showing signs of ordinariȬ ǯȱ¢ȱ ȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱĴȱȱȱ teenagers as well as their tastes in dress and music, struck them as ȱ¢ȱȱȱęȱȱȱȱǯ To have one’s melancholia corrected by pills and talk therapy is ǯȱ ȱěȱĚ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱȬȱ ǰȱȱ ȱ ȱ¢ȱȱǯȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȬ¢Dzȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȬǯȱ ȱȱȱȱĴǰȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȂȱĴȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱǰȱȃȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȄȯȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȬ ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȯȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱ breast, my face buried in its tickly, abundant hair, my existential ¢ȱ ȱȱ ¢ǯȱ ¢ǰȱ Ȃȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱę¢ǯȱȱȬ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱĴȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ Ȃȱǯȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȬȱ ȱȱȱȱĴǯȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǰȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱęȱȱ¢ȱȂȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱDzȱ ȱ ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȂȱ ȱ it as a child, perhaps I sensed that I had barely squeaked through ȱ¡ǯȱ Yesterday I saw a picture of a town in Kansas after a devastatȬ ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱ¢ȱDzȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱǰȱȱȱȱǰȱǯ ȂȱĴȱǯȱȱȱȱǵȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱěȱȱ ǰȱȱȱ Ȃȱ ȱ ȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȂȱȱǯȱ ȂȱȬ ȱǯ 59 ђѠѠќюȱіћȱіѠяќюȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Sharon Dolin ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȂȱ ǰȱ ȱȱȱȱǰ ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯ I am merely the place Where things are thought or felt. ȱȱǻȱǼ ŗřȱǯȱŗşřś Pessoa means person ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȬȱȱǯȱ Ú ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ¢ǯȱȱ ȱȱȬ days, but a way of emphatically saying I am hereǯȱȱ ȱȱȱI. And where is here? Ú To celebrate one’s birth? I’d rather celebrate the death of all the unȬ ȱȱȱȱ¢ǯ Ú ȱȱ ȱȱȱȃȱȱȱȄȱȱȱȱȱȬ ǰȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ǻ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȭ¢Ǽȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ǯ Ú I don’t write as in compose. I pull invisible threads from the air and ȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱǯȱ Ú Impossible to be in Lisbon without a brooding sense of being inside ȱȱǯ Ú 60 ȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱǰȱJe est un autre. Ú Perhaps poets are the true ventriloquists of language — throwing ȱȱȱȦȱȱ¢ȱȱ ǯȱ Ú ·ȱȱȱDZȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱ¢ȱ ȱ Pessoa ever need to travel again? Ú DZȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȃȱǰȄȱȱȱȬ in ¢ǰȱ ȱ ȃ¢ǯȄȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǻȱǼǯȱ Ú ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ¢ȱȱǵȱ¢DZȱȬ band, lover, trickster, thief, conqueror, conquered, mercurial — ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱDZȱ¢ȱȱǰȱ ¢ȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱǯ Ú ȱ¢ȱȱ ¢ȱ ȱȱȱDZȱȱȱȂȱȬ ȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǯ Ú Is it possible to taste still unsavored kisses? His almond lips on my ǯȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ǯ Ú ȱȱȱȱȱȱǵȱȱȱȱ ǯ Ú ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǵȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ ȱȱǯ Ú ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱşŖȬ¢Ȭȱ ȱȱ£ȱȱȱȂȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ 61 ǯȱȱǯȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱ Ú ȃȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǰȱ ȱ what I dream and what life makes of me ǯ ǯ ǯ ǯ clouds ǯ ǯ ǯ Ȅȱȯȱǰȱ ȱȱ Ú ȱȱȱǻŚŖķȱȱǼǰȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȬ topus and the glass, between the sea dragon and the aquatic plants ȱǯȱȱ ȱȱǯ Ú ȃDZȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȄȱ — Pessoa Ú ȱ³ȱȱ·ǰȱȱǯȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱǯ Ú ȱǯȱȱȱ£¢Ȭȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯ Ú When so many embraces have been delayed, the languorous minȬ ȱęȱ ȱȱǯȱ Ú DZȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱ ǰȱȱȱȱǰȱȃȱ¢ȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȄȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱDZȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǯ Ú At Sintra the yellow domed palace recalls the absent Moors who ȱȱȱ ǯ Ú ȱȱȱǯȱ¢ȱȱǰȱ¢ȱȱǯ Ú 62 ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯ Ú As we roll down the path in the road of cork trees and cedars, alȬ ¢ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱǯȱ Ú Why have I spent much of my life thirsty for kisses, having to soothe myself sipping words through a straw? Ú Ifȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱǯ Ú Is it possible to miss what I’ve yet to discover? Ú ȱȱĚ ǯȱȱȱȱȱěȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ¢ǯ Ú In Silves, russet hilltop castle to remind us of the way the past hovȬ ȱȱȱǯ Ú ȱ¡ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȃȄȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱDZȱ ǰȱȂȱȱȱȱȂȱ¢ȱȱ£ȱȱǵ And ǰȱDZȱYes. You’re right. Ú ȱĴȱȱȱȱȱȱěȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȬ DZȱȃǯȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȄȱȱȱĚȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱĴȱȬ ¢ǯȱ Ú ¢ȱDZȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȬ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱǯȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱĚȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ 63 ȱȱȱ ǯ Ú ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ¢ǰȱ ȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱěȱȱȬ ress in return? Ú ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ǯȱ Ú ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȬȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ Ȃȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱDZȱ¢ȱȱǰȱȬ ȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯ Ú ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȂȱȬ ¢Ȭȱȱ ȱȂȱǰȱȱȱ ǰȱȱȱȱ to a Portuguese boy on the beach with whom he is now playing ȱǯ Ú When I read the word suicide ȱDZȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯ ǯ ǯ ǯȱǽǾȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱǰ I feel a wave of ȱȱ¢ȱȱ¡ȱȱ¢ȱ¢ȱȱǯǰȱ ǰȱ for eight months could do nothing except, in the end, plan and exȬ ȱȱ ȱǯȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱ¡ȱtiredness of life that would have made her incapable of taking those pills, of ȱȱĴǯȱ Ú ¢ȱȱȱȱȱǯȂȱȱȂȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱ her poems, none still ȱȱǯȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱĚ ǯ Ú The rocks rising out of the sea at Lagos are impervious to the boys climbing them, to the beautiful winds we hurl at them, unfurling as ŜŚ ȱȱ ¢ȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱȱǯȱ Ú When he said he liked my warmth, I am waiting, like the sea star ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱęȱ¢ȱȱǯȱ Ú ȱȱȱȱęDZȱǯȱ Ú ¢ȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱǵȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ Ú ȱȬȱȱ Ȃȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȂȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ Ȃȱ ȱ ¢ȱ DZȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¡ȱ himself? Ú ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱĚ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǰȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ Ú ȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱǯ Ú Yet one more man who wants to postpone opening to me until he is certain, not realizing the impossibility of knowing in advance what ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ Ú ¢ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȂȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱǯ Ú ȱ ȱȱȂȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǯ Ú 65 ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ěȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱǯȱȱ¢ȱȱȱĴȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱ ȱǯȱ Ú ȱ¢ȱȱDZȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱęȱ¢ǯȱ Ú In Lagos, even the sound of the broom sweeping the early morning ȱȱǯȱ Ú ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱĴȱȱȱȱȱǯ Ú ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȬȱȱ and not my son calling me down from the sky with his plaintive Mom. Ú The more he rebels, the more my son needs me to be the one against ȱȱĚǯ Ú ȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱ Ú ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱ Ú Why is it the ones who say they want so much to love cover their heart with impenetrable thorns around the rarest of roses? Why do I still believe I can avoid the thorns? Ú ȱ ȱȱ¢ȱĚ ǵȱ¢ȱȂȱȱ ȱ ȱȱ ȱǵȱ Why do I prefer to be the bee rubbing my body in the pollen of ¢ǯ 66 Ú ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱDZȱȬ ion shells, moonstones, because they know it is best to let the light ȱȱǰȱǯȱ Ú ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȯȱȱ¢ȱȯȱȱȱDZȱȱǰȱ ęȱǻǼȱ ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǵ Ú ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱęȱȱȱ ǰȱȱȱȱȱ¡ȱȱȱęȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱ ǯ Ú Ȃȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱǯ Ú ȱȱ¢ȱ ǰȱěȱ¢ȱȱǰȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǯ Ú ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱǯȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱ¢ȱ ¢ȱȱ ¢ȱǯȱ Ú Why do I seem to encounter/desire those men who want to know if they will like the book of me before they have turned a single page? Ú ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱǻǼǯȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȂȱ ȱȱȱȱȯȱȬȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱǯȱ Ú ȱȱȱěȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯ Ú 67 ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱDZ ȱȱǵȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ¨ȱ·ȱǯ Pessoa, Mensagem ǻȱȱ ȱȱǵȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȂȱȱǯǼ Ú ȱȱ ȱȱȱę¡ȱȱ ȱȱȬ ȱ ȱȱȱ ǯ Ú ȱȱ¡ȱȱ¡ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ Ú ȱǰȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǻ ȱȱ¢Ǽǯȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱěǵȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ǯ Ú ȱ ĚDZȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ěȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȃȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱĚȱ ȱȱ Ȃȱ ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ£¢ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ·ȱǯȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ whose tan was as dark as café com leiteǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȃěȱ ȱǯȄ Ú At the tomb of Pessoa in the Jeronimos Monastery in Lisbon, there is a statȬ ȱ ȱDZȱ ȱȱǰȱȱDZȱȱ Teu exagera ou exclui. ¹ȱȱȱȱǯȱäȱȱ·ȱ ȱȱȱȱÇȱȱ£ǯȱȱ ȱ ȱ Assim em cada lago a lua toda ǰȱȱȱǯȱ ǻȱȱǰȱȱDZȱȂ ¡ȱȱ¡ȱ¢ǯȱ ȱ ȱȱǯȱȱ¢ȱ ȱĴȱȱ¢ȱǯ So, in each lake the full moon ȱȱȱȱȱǯǼ ŗŚǯŘǯŗşřřȱȱȱ ȱȱ ŗŞŞŞȬŗşřś 68 Ú ¨DZȱ¨ȱȱǯȱ ¤ȱȱȱ¨ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ǻǯȱȱȂȱ ȱ¢ǯȱ I’ve already said that I don’t want ȱ ¢ǯ ¨ȱȱȱȱäǷȱ A única conclusão é morer. ȱȂȱȱȱǷ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǯǼ 1923 Álvaro de Campos Ú ¨ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯ ¨ȱȱȱȱ¨ȱȱ ȱȱȱ¤ȱȱȱĚǯȱ ǻȂȱȱȱȱȱȱ window ȱȱȱęȱȱǯ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱĚ ǯǼ ŘŖǯŗŚǯŗşŗşȱȱ Ú ȱ ȱ ·ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ěȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ĵȱ ¢ǯȱȱ¢ȱǯȱ Ú ȂȱȱȱȱȱȂȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȂȱȱȱ ȱȱDZȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ǰȱȱȱȱȱȬ ǰȱȱȱȱȱȂȱǰȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ·ǯ Ú ȱ ȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱǯȱȯȱȂȱȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ Ĵȱ ȱǯ Ú ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱDZȱǯ Ú ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱDZȱǯ Ú 69 ȱȱȱĴȱȱȱȱȱȂȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȱ Ú Anticipation is sometimes more powerful than many actual experiȬ ǯȱ¢ȱ¢ȱȱ¡¢ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱ¢ȱȱDZȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱ ¢ǯȱ Ú ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¡ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ DZȱȱǯȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ Ú ȱȱȱȱĚ¢ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱĚȱ¢ȱȱȱ¢ȱǯ Ú ȱȱęȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȯȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱĚȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȱ Ú ¢ȱȂȱ¡¢DZȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ merged rock in the ocean makes it hard for him to swim, more likeȬ ¢ȱȂȱȱ ȱȱǯȱ Ú ¢ȱ¡¢ȱȯȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȂȱ been submerged, with no diver slipping within my cove or retrievȬ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȬȬȱ ȱ ǯȱ Ú ȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱDZȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ likelihood of the feared event coming to pass? Ú 70 ȱ ȱ ȱ ȯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȯȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȬ ¢ǯȱȱ¢ȱȱǯȱ Ú Does fear of loneliness increase loneliness? Does fear of never being truly loved push away its possibility? Ú ȱ¢ȱȱȱęȱȱǯȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱǯȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȬ¢ȱȱ ȱǯȱȱ ȱ ȱȱǯȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ¢ȱ ȱǯȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ¢ǵȱȱȱȱ ǰȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱDZȱǯ Ú ȱȱȱśŖŖȬ¢Ȭȱ ȱȱ·ȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱ pastellaria, the custard pastel de ·ǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱǯȱȱȬ ǯ Ú Riding on Tram 28 up to the ruins of Castle San George, a tram ȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢Ȭ¢ȬȱĴȱȱȱȱ ȯȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱDZȱ¢ȱȂȱǯȱ Ú ȱȱDZȱȱȱȱȱȱȂȱȱȬ ǯȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ȱ£ȱ Ȃȱǰȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȬȱ ȱȱȱǯ Ú ȱȱȱȱȂȱ·ȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ ȱȱ³ȱȱ·ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯ ǯ ǯ or at ȱȱĚȱȱ¢ȱǯȱ Ú 71 ȱȱDZȱȱȂȱȂȱȱ ȱȱ£ȱ ¢ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȂȱȬ ¢ǯȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱ Ú ȱȱȱȱěȱȱȱȱȱȬ ties around? What drove his heteronym Álvaro de Campos to inȬ ȱȱȱǰȱǰȱȱȱǵȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȬȱȱȱǯȱȱǰȱȱ¢ȱ ¢ǰȱ¢ȱȱ ǯȱ Ú ȱDZȱȱȱǯȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱŘŞǯȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱȯȱȱȱȂȱǯȱ Ú ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱěǯȱ Ú ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȯȱȱȱȱ be a Portuguese Hamlet, his antic disposition heteronymic? Ú ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȬ¢ǵȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ ǰȱ ǰȱ ǰȱ ǰȱ ȱ ę¢ǰȱ ǰȱ ǰȱ ěǰȱ ¢ǰȱ ǰȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱǯȱ Ú ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱDzȱȱȱ created dioramic worlds inhabited by midnight birds and balleriȬ ǯ Ú What do I create? Do I merely satisfy the reader’s prurient interest in the hatreds and desires of another in shaped lines? Ú 72 ȱ¢ȱȱ ȱĴȱȱěȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱǯȱȱ Ȭ ȱȱȱ ȱ ȱ¡ȱȱȱȱǯȱ Ú ȱ ·ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ·ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ £ȱȱęȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ£ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱęǯȱȱ¢ǰȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱ is never alone — is most companioned by his own selves? Ú ¢ȱȱȱȱȱǻȱǼȱ ȱ¢ȱȱ¡ȱȱ ȱ ¢ȱȱ¡ȱ ǯȱ¢ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱǵȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȂȱȬȱȱȱȱȯȱȱ Romance one — that I feel most at home? Ú ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ ¢ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱǯ Ú ȱȱȱȃȄȱ ȱ ǵȱUma Pessoa. ȱǻǼǯȱȱȱȱȱ of self — or do the clothes — the outer garb of self — make the Ȧǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ǰȱ ȱ Ȭ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ ¢ǯȱȱ¢ȱ¢ȱȱȬ¢ȱȱǯȱȱ¢ȱ even more fraught with existence because it dated and recorded ȱȱȱǯȱ Ú Some say Pessoa’s split self derived from his formative years in ǰȱȱǰȱȱȱȬȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȯȱęǵȱȯȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱǯȱ Ú ȱ ȱȱǵ Ú ȱĚȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱ ȱ ¢Ȭ 73 ȱȱ ȱȱȱĚȱȱȱ ǰȱȱȱ£ǵǷȱǻ¿Qué ǵ What gives?) to thwart a gang of young men who were hasȬ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ǯ Ú ȱ ȬȬȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱDZȱ ȱȱ£ȱȱǯȱ Ú £ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ Ȭȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱȱȱȱhoonȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱ Ú Ȭȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ Ȭ ȱȱȱǯ Ú ȱĚ¢ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱǯȱ Ú The woman walking around with an open wound after each roȬ ȱȬǯȱ Ú ȱȱȂȱȱǰȱ ¢ȱǵȱ Ú I am a creator of doors where others see walls, waiting for someone ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱ ќѡђDZ ȱȱȱȂȱȱȱ¢ȱ ǯȱ Translations from ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǻDZȱ¡ȱ ǰȱŗşşŞǼǯ ŝŚ Ѡђȱѐђȱіћȱюȱђћѡђћѐђȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Katharine Coles ŗǯȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȦȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȦǯ Řǯȱȱȱ ȱĚȱȱ ¢ȱ řǯȱ¢ȱȱȦȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȦȱȱ¢ȱȱǯȱ ŚǯȱȱȦȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȦȱȱȱ śǯȱȦȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȦȱ¢ȱǯȱ Ŝǯȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȦȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȦȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ǵȱ ŝǯȱȱȦȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȦȱ¡ȱȱȱǵȱ ŞǯȱȱȱǰȱĴȱȱȦȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȦȱȱ ǯȱ şǯȱȱ ȱȦȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȦȬĴȱęǰȱ ŗŖǯȱ ȱȦȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȦȱȱȱǯȱ ŗŗǯȱ¢ȱęǰȱȱ ȱȱ formsǯȱ ŗŘǯȱ¢ȱǰȱ¢ȱaccumulation. ŗřǯȱȱȱ¢ȱȃȄȱ ȱȱȱȦȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȦǯ ŗŚǯȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱalmost awashǯ ŗśǯȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱwith raised rims, among ŗŜǯȱȦȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȦȱformed from / / or ȱ ȱ 17. ofȱȦȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȦǯ Sometimes I am and sometimes not Ĵȱȱȱ coast. ŗŞǯȱȱǰȱȦȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȦȱȱȱȱor ȱǰȱperhaps 75 and perhaps not ȱȱȱȱȱor under agitated conditions. ŗşǯȱȱ Ȃȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱȬǰȱȱȂȱ know how to see ŘŖǯȱ¡ȱȱȦȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȦȱprotrudes ȱȱŜǯśȱȱȱȱǯ Řŗǯȱȱǰȱȱȱ ȱȦȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȦȱȱȱ£ǯ Ú ǯȱ ǯȱ ǯȱ ǯȱ ǯȱ ǯȱ ǯȱ ǯȱ ǯȱ ǯȱ ǯȱ ǯȱ ǯȱ ǯȱ ǯȱ ǯȱ ǯȱ ǯȱ ǯȱ ǯȱ ȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ £ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȭ¢ ќѡђDZ This poem begins with an erasure from 21 Kinds of Ice. ȱȱ 76 ] њњюћѢђљȂѠȱѝџіћєȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱǯȱĴȱȱȱȱȱęǯȱȱȱȱ ǯȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱǯȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȂȱǯȱȱǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱȱǯȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱĴȱȱ ¢ȱǯȱȱȱǯȱ ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȂȱȱȱǯȱȱ should always be buried, he thinks, because of what the darkness ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱęȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȬ izes that the child he was, the one who believed in the earth, is burȬ ȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱĴȱȱ ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱěȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱ ǯȱȂȱ ȱ¢ȱȱǯȱ 77 ђџџіяљђȱњњюћѢђљȱђѠѡџќѦѠȱѡѕђȱюџѡѕȱяѦȱљќќё ȱ ȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱ¢ȱęȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱĚȱȱǯȱȱȱȂȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱǯȱȱȂȱǯȱȱȱǯȱȱ¢ȱ ȱǯȱȂȱȱ¢ȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱęȱǯȱ Ȃȱȱȱȱ£ȱǯȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ¢ ¢ǯȱ¢ǰȱȱǰȱ Ȃȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ǯȱ Ȃȱȱǵȱȱ¢ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱęǯȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȬ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ǯȱ Ȭ ȱȱ ȱ ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱ ȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȂȱ¢ȱȱǯȱȱȂȱȬ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱȱȱǯ 78 ђџџіяљђȱњњюћѢђљȱђєюџёѠȱѡѕђȱѢћȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ£ǯȱȱȱĚ¢ǯȱ ȱȬ ȱĚȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱ ȱęȱȱ ȱȱȱȬ ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱǯȱȂȱǰȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱǰȱȱȱǯȱ¢ȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȱǯȱȱ ǯȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ǯȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ¢ȱȱȱ¢ǯȱ¢ȱǯȱ¢ȱǯ 79 њњюћѢђљȱюћёȱѡѕђȱіќћȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ ȱǯȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ Ȃȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȂȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǰȱȱ ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱǯȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȱǯȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȃȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱȱȱęȱęǯȱȱ¢ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ ǰȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȂȱǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȃȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱǰȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ Ȃȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ěȱ ȱ ȱ ĴȱǯȱȱĚȱ ȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ ǯ 80 џќњȱѡѦњќљќєѦȱќѓȱѡѕђȱќџёȱ юѢћѡȱ ȱ ȱ Noel Thistle Tague ǯ ȱȱ ǰȱęȱęȱ ȱ ǰȱȱ ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǰȱȱȱĴȱȱȱȱęǯȱȱȱǰȱȱ ǯȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ ǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱ ǯ DZȱȱǯȱȬȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱ ȱǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ǯȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ęȱȱǯȱȱȱ ȱ ȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱ into the cellar like a wound and seen the whole beloved space, spills of sun across sills, over cane chairs onto the table where babies were born, we have seen ourselves there, on that table, and can one ever ȱ ¢ǰȱę¢ǰȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ of one’s living, the history you think you see and then again, there ȱǰȱȱȬȬǰȱȱȱǰȱȱȬ ǰȱȱȬȱ ȱȱ ǯ ǯ I carried a milkweed’s desiccated tongue and a corner of salt ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱĵǯȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱęǯȱȱȱĴȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȬȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱǰȱĝȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱ ȱǯȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱ 81 Wind. ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱ£ȱȱȱȬȱǯȱȱȱǰȱȬ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ǰȱȱȱěȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱęǯ DZȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱ ȱȱ ȱ ǰȱȱȱĚǯȱ ȬȬ¢ȱ ěȱ¢ȱȬǯ Trash. ȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱDZȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ ǰȱĴȱǰȱȱĴȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱĴǯ Last Known. Ĵȱȱȱȱǯ 82 ǯ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ marked; and runs thence to the southeasterly corner a hemlock Dzȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȃ ¢Ȅȱ bay; thence along the shore of said bay to the northwesterly corner a hemlock post standing in the marsh west from a hemlock tree Dzȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ Second. ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ cornered and marked; and runs thence along the northwesterly bounds to a hemlock post standing in the easterly line; thence to ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱDzȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȃȱȄȱȱ ȱ¢DzȱȱȱȱȱȱDzȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȱ Third. ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ Dzȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǻȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǼDzȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ tree marked; thence along the shore of said bay from an oak stake ȱǯǯǯDzȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱ ȱDzȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ it winds; thence east on said line to the creek; thence following the margin of said Creek in westerly direction to the water’s edge and ȱȱȱ Ȃȱȱȱȱȱȱǯ ǰȱǯ ȱ¢ȱȱ ǯ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ¢ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ¢ȱ ȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȂȱ 83 ȱ ěȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȁȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱǭȱ¢ȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ ǰȱǰȱǰȱǰȱȱǻ ǰȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǼȱȱȱ¢ȱ ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱěǯȱ ȱȂȱȱ¢ȱȱ¢ȱȱǯȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ¢ȱǰȱ ǰȱǰȱǰȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱǻȱ¢ȱ ȱ ȱȱ Ǽǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȂȱȱęǯȱ ǯ House. ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ǯȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ¡ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ DZȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȭ ȱȱęȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱ through window holes, new generations of inhabitation, haunts of coot and hern. The room that received the best light now overgrown ȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȬȱǯȱȱ snakes overrun the cellar, black on black, something furtive in the ǯ AlsoDZȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱĴǯȱȱȱĴȱ ǯȱȱȱȱ ȬDZȱĴȱȬ ǰȱȱǰȱǰȱȱȂȱȱǯȱǰȱ Ȭ ǰȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱDZȱȂȱ ȱ¢ȱ ȱȱǯȱȱǰȱȱǯȱȱĚȱ ȱȱȱ ǰȱȱ pale shadow with the other things behind the glass, as your body ȱȱ ȱȱǯ House. ȱȱȱǯ ŞŚ Windǯ ȱĴǯȱȱęȱȱ ȱĴǯȱȱ ȱȱǵȱ ȱ ǯȱ¢ȱ ǯȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱ ȃȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ ¢ȱȱȱ ǯȄ ȃȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ will create the hatred between neighbors that the wind issue has ȱǯȄ ȱ ȱȱȱ ¢DZȱȱȱȱȱȱ¡ǰȱȱȬ phone pole’s splinters, a word, and draws itself out into a wail, beȬ comes sharper, a shriek, incises the ear, balls permanently into the ȱ ȱȱȱ ǰȱĴȱ ȱǰȱȱȱ ǯȱȱ 85 џюєњђћѡѠȱќѓȱюȱџђюѡђџȱюћєѢюєђȱ ȱ ěȱ for Johanna ȱ ȱ My poor dog at my feet trying to sleep through the heat, eyes shut, ȱȱȱȱǯȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ Ȭ ȱ¢ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱ¢ȱȱǯȱȂȱǯȱȱȂȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ right; my mouth can’t form the vowels, can’t dig up from the throat the R ȱȱǯȱ¢ȱǯȱ ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ far away not too near, impossible to place but passed every year without notice, with the same motions that govern every other day of the year, the day that makes us most, what, nervous? confused? ǵȱȱ ȱ ȱȂȱǰȱȱ ȱȂȱ ȱȱȱ DZȱ ¢ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȬ ǯ Ú ǵȱǵȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ¢ȱ books, going over some recent translations with professor Miguel Tamen, director of the Programa em Teoria da Literatura at the UniverȬ sity of Lisbon and my benevolent and generous guide through the ȱ ȱȱȱĴǯȱ I have been struggling through some prose by Herberto Helder, something impossibly foreign about brandy and the Church, nosȬ talgia for childhood, or is it childish nostalgia, incomprehensible ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ¢ȱȱěȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱęȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǻȃȄǼȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǽǾ, Man of Word[s]ǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ǰȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ place in the late afternoon not deep into the night; in it are irony and ȱĴȱ¢ǰȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ¢ǰȱ ȱǯȱ 86 њȱіюȱѬќȱѢіѡќȱќћєђȱѬќȱѢіѡќȱђџѡђ ȱ£ȱȱȬȱȱ por tudo isto ser sempre assim You know sometimes I feel fed up with everything always being the same Um dia não muito longe não muito perte ȱȱȱȱȱȱ um dia não ·ȱȱȱ³ȱ¤ȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱȱ a very normal day an everyday day ȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱěȱ ¤ȱȱȱȱ¤ȱȱȱ ȱȬȱ¤ȱȱȱȱȱ¨ȱȱ ȱ¨ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ you come inside and call for me and I say to you sorry to not respond to not leave this vaguely absorbed air ȱȱ³ȱȱȱȱȱ£ ȱȱȱȱȱěȱȱȱȱȱȱ ¤Ȭȱ£ȱȱ³ȱ you tell me that I seem dead ȱȱ£ȱȱȱȱȱ ¨ȱȱȱȱ¨ȱȱ what nonsense you say look something happened you don’t know what not too near 87 ȱȱȱȱȱȱ£ ȱȱȱ¨ȱȱȱȱȱ and me with nothing to say to you ȱĴȱȱȱ¢ȱěȱȱ¢ȱ não muito perto desse tal surto not too near the something that happened ȱȱȱȱȬȱȱǵ what do you think am I dead? Ú ȱȱȱȱȱĴȱȱȱȱȱ£ǯȱ ȱ ȱę¢Ȭęǯȱ ȱȱǽǾȱȱȱȬȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ ǰȱȱȱȱǰȱǰȱǰȱȱęȱǰȱȃȱ ȱȱ¢ǯȄȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ the rhymed and unrhymed poems, the prose, but my translations consisted largely of failures, failed lines, leaden phrases, mistaken ǰȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǰ convinced ȱȱȱȱȱǰȱǰȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȬ ǯȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱ ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱ¢ȱǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ¢ȱ ǯȱ ȱȱ¢ȱ ǯ Ú ǯȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȬ ¢ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȭ ǰȱ £Ȭ ard and often incomplete because everything here is in disrepair, ȱȱěȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȬǯȱ ȱȱȱȱǰ and we are AlfacinhasǯȱAlfacinhas ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǰȱęȱ ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱ ȱ Ȭȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ 88 ǯȱ ȱ ȱ £ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ the apartment buildings — it is all apartments — have small, low, Ȭȱȱȱ ȱȱǰȱ¢ȱ¢ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȭȱ trams crawl up and down the hill, smelling the smoke of grilled sarȬ ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ ȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ old lounge singers in black shawls, and the screams of children up late, everything right up against each other, our neighbors right ǰȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯ Ú £³ǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȃȱ¢Ȭ ȱȱȄȱȱȱȱȱȃǰȄȱȱ ȱȱ ȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ¢ȱȱǰȱĴǰȱȱ ǰȱǰȱȱDZȱ£³, neighborhood, all the neighbors, from £ǰȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ is £ǰȱǯȱȱȱȱȱǯ When was that? I myself don’t know how to put it I only know I had a child’s power between things and me there was a neighborliness ȱ¢ȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱĴȱȱ ȱ My upstairs neighbor is a retired bus driver named Ray who claims ȱ ȱȱ¢ǯȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱDzȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¡ǯȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱǰȱȱǰȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱ ȱ ȱǯȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱǯȱȱ transplanted tomatoes yellow and crack with blight, hot sun turns ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱ Ú ȱ ǯȱ Alfama. Someone screams something I can’t unȬ ǰȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ ¢ǯȱĴȱĴȱĴǰȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ neighborhood so noisy — walk outside — people are right there doȬ 89 ing things, or more likely not, smoking, shouting and shooshing in ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȬ ȱȱĴȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ and pot the bougainvillea and repot the plants we have and there ȱȱǯȱȱǰȱǰȱȱȱȱǰȱǰȱ ȱȱǰȱȱȱȱǰȱȱǰȱǰȱǰȱ¡ǰȱ follow, echo, savor of, smack of, instant, at hand, to come, coming, all these words for ǰȱȱ ȱȱěȱȱȱȱȬ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ Ȃȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǯȱ Ú ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȂȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱ¢ȱǰȱȃȬĴǰȄȱȃ ȱǰȄȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȃǯȄȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǵȱ ¢ǰȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ěȱ ȱǰȱ¡ȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱǯȱǯȱȂȱȱ¡ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȭ ǰȱȱǯȱȱ¢ǯ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ǰȱ ǰȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ǰȱǰȱȱęǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǰȱȱǯǯȱǯȱȱȱǰȱ ǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯ ќњђȱџќѝќѠіѡіќћѠȱќћѐђџћіћєȱіџёѠȱюћёȱџђђѠȱѕюѡȱѡѕђȱќђѡȱћёѠȱ яџѢѝѡљѦȱіѡѕȱюȱђѓђџђћѐђȱѡќȱѡѕђȱ ђюџѡ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ Trees that I see instead of fruit yield birds ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱ The birds make the trees sing When they reach the birds trees become thicker they move ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ Like birds the leaves alight on the earth when autumn is descending mysteriously about the country I would like to say that the birds emanate from the trees 90 but I’ll leave that kind of talk to the novelist it’s complicated and does not lend itself to poetry has not yet been isolated from philosophy I love the trees principally that yield birds Who hangs them there from the branches? Whose is the hand the innumerable hand? I pass, the heart changes I remember passing the same woman every morning on my way ȱ ȱ ěǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱ¡ǯȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱ¢Dzȱȱȱ ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ was a ginginhaȱȱȱȱȱȱȬǰȱȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ ¢ǰȱȱěȱȱȱȱ cherry brandy, playing cards in front of a trash pile, fantastic noses ȱȱȱǯȱȱ¢ȱǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ the leitaria and the tasca? ȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ Ú ȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȂȱ ȱĚǰȱȱȱȱȂȱȱȱ ǯȱ ȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ stands where he was born, opposite an opera house on a square in a now very tony neighborhood called ChiadoǯȱȱȱȱȬ ȱǰȱȱǰȱǰȱȱDZȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱ ȱDzȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱ ǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱě¢DZȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ is a novel, and Holland is a dollhouse, Portugal is a short lyric poem published in the Díario de Notíciasǯȱȱǰȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱ Pessoaȱȱǯȱ If this story has a heart, it is somewhere else, perhaps in Durban, 91 ȱǰȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱęȱȱ ȱǰȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱǰȱȱǰȱ ȱȱ some point in time, or maybe not, split into two and then those two ȱȱȱęȱȱ¡ǰȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȬ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ¢Ȭȱ ǯȱ ¢ȬȬȬȱ ȱ Ĵȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ and each name had its own music, each a separate source where ȱ ȱȱǯȱ He called them heteronymsǯȱǰȱȱǰȱ ȱȱǰȱ ȱ ȱȱ¢ǰȱȱ¢ǰȱȱDZȱȱǰȱȱȱ of sheep; and his students Ricardo Reis, a lapsed classicist, and ÁlȬ ȱȱǰȱȱȱ¢DzȱȱȱȱDzȱȱ Dzȱȱ ȱ¡ȱ ȱȱȱĴȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ Ĵǯȱ ȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱǰȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȱ ȱȱȱ ǰȱȱ spare moments, wrote the notes that would become the prose masȬ terpiece ȱȱȱǰ ȱȱȱǯȱȱ¢ȱȱ that book that he prefers prose to poetry because he is incapable of ȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱ ȱȃǽ ǾȱǰȄȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ to the ȱǰȱȱȱȱȃȱȱȱȱȱǯȄȱ Prose doesn’t collapse when a poetic rhythm creeps in, as a poem ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱǰȱȂȱǰȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ£ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢DZȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ mouthpiece, the man who echoes another’s music and makes it his own, except that with Pessoa he has to echo and make his own the ȱȱ¢ȱěȱǯ ȱǰȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢Ȭ ȱȱȬȱ¢ǯȱȂȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ like that of Campos, his images are drawn from Caeiro, evoking the ȱĴȱ ȱǰȱȱ¢ȱ ȱ¢ȱǰȱȱȱȱ ǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ ¢ȱǵȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱwho mean? And ǵ In a dream my friend says that what was gathers in a small wooden box inside 92 ȱǯȱǰȱȱ¢ǰȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ ǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱǰȱȱǯȱ Ú ¢ǯȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱěȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǻ£) by way of the Garden ȱȱǻEstrelaǼǯȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱȬ ter hearing of Pessoa’s death, an imagined man mourning the man ȱȱǯ Where am I? Why am I here? I am way too big for this city; on the Metro my head hits the handholds, and I struggle in the shower ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ Ȃȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ DZȱ ȱ Ƿȱ ȱ¢ǯȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱǰȱ ȱ¢ȱ¢ȱǯȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱ ȱǰȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ¢ȱȬ ȱǯȱȱȂȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȂȱ ȱ how to say ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱ ȱȱ ǰȱȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱǯȱ Ú ȱǰȱȱ ǯȱȱȱȱĴȱȱȬ ȱȱDZȱȱǰȱȱǰȱ¢ȱǰȱ falling into each other, summer surrounding our bodies in a liquid ȱǯȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǯȱ I seek a complex poet in a strange language in the hope that he will ȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ the words nor their associations, not even their particular meanȬ ǯȱǰȱȱǰȱȱ ȱantigamenteǯȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱ ȱȱȱ ȬȱĴȱȱȱǰȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱȱȱȱȱȃȱȱȱǯȄ іѣђȱќџёѠȱіѣђȱѡќћђѠ 93 Antigamente a word for what was a dense scent applied to the skin of the present world of reiterated actions immemorial rhythms ȱȱȱ Used to be I wrote long poems Today I have four words to make a poem ¢ȱDZȱ ȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱDZȱ It occurred to me before I close the poem ȱ ȱȬȱ ȱȱȱȱ rent day went by ȱȱęȱ ȱȱȱ¢ and from them comes the music necessary ȱǯȱDZȱ ¹ȱȱ³¨ȱ³¨ȱ¦ ȱȱȱȱȱ Used to be when the gods were large I always had many lines at my disposal ȱàȱȱȱȱ¢ȱęȱ ȱ cinco pedrinhas ęȱĴȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȃ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ incorporate the original’s ȱ ȱ ęȄȱ ǻ¢ȱ Ǽǯȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȃ£ȱȱȬ ȱȱȱȱǯȄȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȃȱ¢ȱ ¢ȱ ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱǯȄȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱ ȱǰȱȱ ȱǯȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȂȱȱȱȱȬ late is not simply to mimic the outward man but to convey what is everywhere inside him, or is it about him, issuing from him? It is to ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢ǰȱȱĴǰȱȱ ȱ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ¢ȱȱǯȱȱȱĚȱȱĚǵȱȱǰȱ ȱȱ ǵȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱĚȱ over the opening? What the psalms call a song of degreesǯȱǰȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱ ǰȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱ ¢ȱǯ şŚ ȱќћєȱќѓȱђєџђђѠ I have been translating from Portuguese a poet who as a young man before he left ȱȱȱȱȱǯ ȱȱȱ ȱȱǯ ȱȱȱȱȱǯ ȱȱȱȱȱ what happened to childhood and spilled the animal spirit of the sad, an animal sadness, olive trees in rain men working things all the things left to themselves sunset being nothing and nobody else across a thousand pages, more, drew from stones ȱȱ¢ȱȱǯ I cannot get his rhymes right, these casual quatrains on the death of a famous cyclist, day dying, ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱĴȱȱȱǰ a minha maneira de me matar ·ȱ¡ȱȱȱȱ³ǯ ȱ ȱȱȱȃ ¢ȱȄ ȱȂȱȱȱǯȱȬ ȱ£ǯ ȱȂȱǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ sunset only sunset and not even that ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ ǯȱ¢ȱǯȱǯȱ¢ǵȱȱȱ Ȃȱ¢ǰȱȱȱ was confused, had an extra head, a cleft tail, dystopian in its aspect, ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ǰȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱ ȱ¢ǯȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȬ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ǰȱ ȱ ¢ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱȱȱ¢ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱěǰȱȱȱ ȱ ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱ 95 meǯ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱǰȱǰȱ together with three dictionaries, Soares’s paragraphs, together with ǯ As Casas As Casas As Casas ȱǰȱȱȱȱǰȱó ȱ ȱȱȱ³¨ǰ simple problem of breathing, and breath a simple solution, an improvised liturgy, this instability, he calls himself, homeless in the fragile poor houses mute dumb witnesses of life that live and die with us ȱȱȱȱȱĴ¢ know nothing of houses The poor yes know about houses, these poor know everything, conhecem tudo, feeling his way through a house, intoning in its nooks his hymn to houses, ȱȱȱȱȬȱ in the house I was born and will die ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱěȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ³ä ȱȱȱȱĚĴȱȱȱ I breathed — oh life simple problem of breathing ȱas casas as casas as casas To draw closer, as the bough of a tree draws close to the earth in ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱǰȱȱ ȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱĴȱ ȱȱȱ ȱǰȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱǯ Ú 96 ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȃȄȱ ȱ ȃȄȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȃIdola fori” and the beach and the body ȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȃȄȱȱȃȱȬ ȱȱǰȄȱȱ ȱȱ¢ǯȱ ǰȱǯȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ¡ǯȱȬ ȱȱȱȱ ȱĴȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱ ȱȱĴȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ·ȱ ȱ¡ǰȱȱȱȱȱěȱ¢ȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȂȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǰȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱǰȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȬȱ ȱǻȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǼǰȱȱ and silver lighters, dirty glasses, everything used, handled, the feel ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ street, at the foot of a massive, zigzagged, ziggurat of a staircase, a ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱǰȱȱǯ ¢ȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ¨ȱȱȱäȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱěȱ ȱȱ ȱ ǯȱ¢ȱ¢ǯȱ Ú Dear Johanna, ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯ Ú £ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¡ǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱěǰȱȱěȱȱ¢ȱ¢ȱȱȬ ȱǰȱȱȱȱĴȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱ it, could he return? Surely he could return, to see old friends and ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ 97 ǰȱǰȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ Ú ǰȱǯȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǰȱȱȱȱ the story of failure, what he calls in a prose poem ęȱȱǰȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ Ĵȱ ȱ ȱ umbrella, absentmindedly leaving it in the library or on the train, the boat, on the way to the funeral of his friend, his failure to arrive ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ ȱȱǰȱ ȱȱ ȱ ȱěǵȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ ȱȱȂȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǵ ȱȱȱȱȱȃȄȱȱȃȱŘŗǰȱŘŞǯȄȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ¡ȱȱȱDZȱȃȱ ȱ these things begin to come to pass, then look up, and lift up your ǯȄ ѢѐюѠǰȱƀſǰȱƀƆǯ ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǰȱ¢ȱȱ ǯȱOpõe o peitoǯȱȱȱ ȱǰȱȱ ǰȱȱȱěȬ ȱǰȱȱȱȱDzȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱ³ǯȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱDZȱȬǯȱArise, get up, get ȱȱǯȱȱ³¨ǯȱȱǰȱǯȱ ǰȱǰȱȱȱ consonant shift to something softer, turn from solid to liquid, cor and cor to ³¨ǰȱȱȱȱǰȱĴȱǰȱȱȱ ǯȱ O espírito the spirit nas coisas in things compareceȱ ǯȱ Ȭ ȱȱǰȱȱǯȱ¡Ȭ — the word opens the last line — a beautiful word, the xȱȱȱȱȱĴȱȱȱȱx ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǰȱ¢ǰȱȱȱǰȱȱ a broom sweeping through a room, or a storm approaching in the leaves of the trees, a sound constantly running through Lisbon, a murmur under the speech of the people — say it, ¡Ȭ — ǰȱȱǰȱȱȱǯȱȱǵȱȱ³¨ǯȱ Liberation, freedom, release, a certain wildness, recklessness, heedȬ ǰȱȱǰȱȱ Ȃȱǯȱ¢ȱȱǵȱ¢ȱ¢ȱDZȱ ¡Ȭȱȱ³¨ Ú 98 The last poem of ȱȱǽǾȱȱȃңљќѓќћȱќѢȱѝіѡѨѓіќǯȄȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱàǰ the printer’s mark, or a brief description of the printing and publication of the book, ȱȱȱȱȃǰȄȱȃǰȄȱȃęǯȄȱȱĴȱȱ keep it in the original, with those three oȂǰȱȱȱěȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ Ȃȱȱȱȃңљќѓќћȱќџ ѝіѡюѝѕǯȄȱ The month has thirty days. And the day has many hours. I want to stop ǯȱȱ¡ȱ ȱȱȱ ¢ȱǰȱȬ ȱ and simple and vague, insisting on, consisting of, things, ȱ ȱ thing, he himself a made thingǯȱ ȱȱȱǵȱ ȱȱȱȱ ¢ǰȱȱȱȱǰȱǰȱĚ¢ǰȱȱ¢ǯȱ¢ȱȱȱ and then, smilingly, wistfully, once upon a time. ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱęȱȱ¢ȱȱęȱ ȱȱȱęȱǯ 99 ђёіѡюѡіќћѠȱќћȱюȱџђђȱџќєȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Angela Stewart ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯ ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǯ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯ ȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǯ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ on the porch with my friends and tip my chair onto its back legs ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱ a movie of the people passing, and we drink until late, until the ciȬ cadas stop their chain sawing and the birds tuck their beaks under ȱ Ȭǰȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȃȱȱȱǵȄȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȬ ¢ȱȱȱȱȬȬȬȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱ ȃȱ Ȃȱ ǰȄȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ¢ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȃȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ǵȄȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȯȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ¢ȂȱĴȱǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱǰȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ¢ǯȱ¢ȱȱȱȱęȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱǯȱ The word frogȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȃ ȱǯȄȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȃȱ ǰȄȱ ȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȃȱȄȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȃȱǯȄȱȱ ¢ȱ ȱȃȬȬȄȱȱȱȱȃ¢Ȭ¢ȬǯȄȱȱ ȱȱ we stop naming things for what they do, and how did we forget so much? Language sprouts legs like a tadpole and morphs meanings ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯ ȱ ȱȱ ȱ ȱȱ ȱȱĴǯȱȱ ȱman is ȱȱȱȱȃǰȄȱȱǰȱȱǰȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȃȄȱȱȃȄȱȱȃ¡ȬǰȄȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱĴȱȱȱȃȄȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȬ ȬȱǯȱǰȱȃȄȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȬǰȱȱȱȱȬȬ ǰȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ child accepts that the earth is round though it looks anything but, 100 some linguists say that the word man is connected to the meanȬ ȱȃȱȄȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȃǰȄȱȃǰȄȱȱ ȃǯȄȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȃȱǰȄȱȱ ȱȱȱȃȱǰȄȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȃȱǰȄȱȱ ȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱ Scientists say that at best we can hold on to feeling in love for seven ¢ǯȱȱȱȬ¢ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱĴȱȱǰȱȱȱ brain can only stay drunk on love for a short period of time until it ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱĴȱ ȱ ȱǰȱȱ¢ȱ¢ȱ ȱ turn to me and hate my crooked front teeth that you once found ¢ȱǰȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱęȱ¢ȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱĴȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¡ȱȱȱȱȃȱȄȱ ǯȱȱȱǰȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱǯȱ ǰȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱěǰȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯ 101 ќћёіѡіќћюљȱђђёȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱ ȱȱ ǯȱ¡ȱ I see you gazing at the dead that history has embalmed ȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱ¢ǯȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǰȱ£ȱȱȱǰ ȱȱǻȱǼȱȱȱȱȱ ǰ ȱǰȱȱǯȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱĚǰ ȱȱȱȱ¡ȱ ȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȱȱ of your muscles as your hand caresses my waist, ȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱĚ ǰ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱǰ ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ£ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ¢ ȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱ ȱ ¢ȱȱǯȱȱǰ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ¡ȱ ȱȱ ȱĚ ȱ in our bones, as if this afternoon had not been buried ǰȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱĚ ȱȱǰȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱęǯ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ£ȱǯȱȱ ȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ¢ǵȱȱȱ ǰȱȱȱ¢ȱ in the breathing of my veins, veins that rise and burst atop the roof and your naked foot outside the bed’s warmth weaves circles around ǯȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱęȱ ǻ¢ȱǼȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱ ȱȱ ǵȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱęȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱĚ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯ ȱȱ¢ȱ ǯȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ¢ȱ ǰȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȂȱ ǯ 102 ѡѢёѦіћєȱяџќюёȱіћȱѡѕђȱќѢћѡџѦȱќѓȱќѣђȱ Marci Vogel ¢ȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ m’appelle in the mirror, a distant relation, charmȬ ǰȱǯȱȱȱȱȱǰ the ǰȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱDZȱMadȬ ǰ how many languages do you know? Mes étǰȱȱ ȱȱǯ Ú She was in love with a translator, yearned to give ¢¡ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ mystery and love, you want to triangulate the lanȬ ǯ Ú She walked into an equation scrawled on the white DZȱȱƾȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱDZȱȱ ȱȱĚȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯ Ú She thought she had given him the boot, but when she reached over and lifted the latch, he was in the ǰȱȱȱȱǯ Ú ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ my angels, my explosions? Where are my dancing animals, elephants charging on darkened savanȬ nahs? Ú ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱ I keep trying to connect, she said, it’s the hardest ǯ 103 ȱ Ú ȃȱ1Ȅȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ¢¢ȱȱȱȱ ǰȱ ȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ Ěǯȱ ȱ could also mean the last study or even study for the DZȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱǯ Ú ȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱΔȱĴȱȱȱǯȱ Did that mean it went on forever? Should she have stopped him, asked him if it hurt? Ú When I was a girl, I had a crush on Lincoln, all sad ¢ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǰȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱǯ Ú ȱ ȱęȱ¢ǰȱ¢ȱȱǯȱȱ¢ȱȱȬ hind the rock? Tucked inside in the tree’s spire? Are you drifting down the aisle, bride to the nave of the green heart? Ú ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱęȱȱǰȱ ȱ Ȃȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱȂȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ a beautiful girl, probably with her mother behind ǯȱȂȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱ Ú Ȃȱ¢ȱȱǵȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱǷ How can you not love ȱȱ ȱȱȱǰȱȱ¢ȱĴȱȂǰȱ breaks into laughter at the end of the song? Ú ŗŖŚ He showed her how to download the application ȱ ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱĴȱȱȱ left, learned the words for chandelier, cut glass, ȱȱǰȱȱȱęȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱ Ú ȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ ¢ȱ¢ȱ ǰȱ ȱȱȱȱDZȱȱȱęǰȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȱ 105 юѐјюѤюћћюȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ Ȃȱȱȱ¢ȱ¢ȱŚŖȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȂȱ¢ȱǰȱȱŗŖDZřŖȱǯǯȱȱ two guys with gray stockings over their heads come through the ǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱ¢ȱȱȱȱĴȱ ȱȱȱȱȱĚǯȱȱ¢ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȱȱȬ ǰȱȱȱǰȱȱȂȱǯȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȂȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȂȱ¡ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǯȱȂȱ using the telephone and drop the receiver as if it were loaded and ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȂȱǷȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǯ ȱȱȱ ǰȱ ȱǯȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ ǰȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȂȱǯȱȱ ȱ ǰȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ǯȱȱȂȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȂȱȱǯȱȱȱ ȱȱ ǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȱěǰȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱȂȱȱȱȂȱȱ ȱȂȱǯȱȂȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱǰȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȂȱ¡ǯ ȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱĴǯȱ ȱǰȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȂȱȱȱȱ¡ǯȱȱĴȱȱȱȱ up and is frozen in that upside down submissive crouch that says ȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱęȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯ A few weeks before, I had gone with my girlfriend to her parent’s ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱěǯȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱĴȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȂȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ǯȱȂȱȃȱȱǰȄȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱęȱ ȱȱȱ ǯȱ Ȃȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȂȱȱ ǯȱ ȱȱȱȱ 106 ȱ ǯȱ ȱ Ȃȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱěȱ ȱȱ¢ǰȱȃȂȱȱȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱ ȱȱǯȄȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȂȱ¢ȱ ǰȱ ǰȱ ȱȱěȱǯȱȱęȱȱȱȯȱȃ ȱȱ ȄȱȯȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȂȱȱ ȱ¡Ȭ ǰȱȱȱȱȱ Ȃȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǰȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱĴǯȱȱ £ȱǰȱȱ ȱ£ȱȱȱǯȱĴ¢ȱǰȱȱȱęȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ǰȱȱȱȱȱęȱȱȱȬ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȱ ȱȱ DZȱȱȱǰȱ¢ȱǰȱȱȱ ȱ¢ǯȱ ȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱ¡ǰȱȱ¡ǯȱ I think it’s all over when the guy with the gun begins to remove ȱǯȱȂȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢ǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȂȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱ ȱȱǯȱȱ¢ȱȱǰȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ coming out of the phone, which I know are words, but all I hear are ěȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ line, and I’m afraid that it’s betraying my own fear, as if the sight of ȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ¡ǯȱ When I brought the screens to my girlfriend’s house, her parents ȱȱĴȱǯȱȱȱȱȱĴȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱ girlfriend and her sisters sat on the grass peeling peaches they were ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ¢ǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȬ ful summer afternoons, and the image of everyone in the backyard ȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ¢ȱǯȱ I expect to see an ugly face when the guy reaches below his neck ȱȱȱȱȱȱěǰȱȱȂȱǯȱȂȱȱȱ ¢Ȭ ¢Ȭȱǰȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱĚȱȱ ȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ ȱǯȱȱĴȱȂȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȱ¢ȂȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȂȱȱȱǯȱ They’ve staged the scene as a way of squeezing out an ounce of 107 ȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱȱ ǰȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȱȱ¢ǯ As I step by them to leave, the boy with the gun looks at me and ȱ ȱ ¢ǰȱ ȃȂȱ ȱ ǯȄȱ ȱ ȱ Ȃȱ ¡ȱ ǯȱ Ȃȱěȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ want to tell them how glad I am that they’re not my friends, but it’s enough that that’s true, and I don’t trust that they are not capable of ȱȱȱȱ ȱǯ The next day, I am at my girlfriend’s parents’ house, and I tell this ¢ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȂȱȱȱ¢ǯȱ ȱȱǯȱȱȂȱ ȱȱȂȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱǯȱ I look at the screen door and am pleased that air is coming through ȱȱǯ 108 іјђȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱȱ£ȱȱȱ¢Ȭ ȱǯȱȂȱ ȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȂȱĴȱȱȱǯȱȱȱǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȂȱȱǯȱȂȱȱ ȱ ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱ ǰȱȱȱ ȱ¢ǰȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȂȱȱǯȱȱǰȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱ¢ȱ ȱȱ ȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱěǰȱȱ£ȱȱ¢ȱ Ȃȱ ǰȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȬ ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱ¢Ȃȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǯ ȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱ ȱ ¢ǯȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ǰȱ ȱ ȱ Ȃȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱǰȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱ ȱǯȱȱ Ȃȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǰȱȱȱ ȱǯȱȱ Ȃȱǯȱȱ ȱȱ ȱ ¢ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȱ ȱȂȱ¢ǯȱȱ ȱȱĴȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȬ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ǯȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ȱ ¢Ȭ ęȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ¢ȱǯȱ ȱ ǰȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȬ ¢ȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ going around and around and upside down, held by centrifugal ǯȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȬ ally loud and smoky, and you wondered how they didn’t get dizzy ȱȱȱǯ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱǯȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱěǯȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ Ȃȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱ ǯȱ ȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱǯȱ ȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȂȱȱȱȱ ǰȱǯȱȱ Ȃȱ 109 ȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱ¢ǯȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱ used to stop at a park on the way home sometimes and take a nap, ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱǯȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯ ȱ ȱǯȱȱȱ ǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱ ȱȱěǯȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱ£ȱȱȂȱȬ ¢ȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȂȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ ǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱęȱ¢ȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱ Ȃȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱǯȱȱȂȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȂȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱęȱǯȱȱ ¢ȱȱȂȱȱȱęȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȂȱǯȱȱȱ ȱȱĚȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȱȱ ȱǰȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ ǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȬ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ¢ǯ 110 іћђȱіѣђѠȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱĴ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǰȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ǰȱȱȱȂȱȱǯȱ¢ȱȂȱȱ ȱ for some reason tried to comfort me, but I couldn’t stand her, for her sunken cheeks and inverted mouth with no lips, and bovine ¢DZȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ ǯȱ¢ȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ arrived in a box at my parents’ house, burned, and my husband, ȱę·ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱDZȱȱ¡ȱ ȱȱǯȱ Ȃȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱęǯȱ We saw the bone, in splinters, but where, I wondered, were her oils, ȱȱ¢ǰȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯ ȱȱ ȱ¢ȱǰȱȱ ǰȱ ȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱȱ ǰȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯ ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯ Doves live all around my parents’ house, their Ȭȱ ȱ Ȭǯȱ ȱ ȱȱě¢ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱ¢ȱ ȱȱĴȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢Ȭ ȱȱȱȱǯȱ My parents’ house, slate green, though small has many levels, each ĴȱȱȱĴȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱȱ ȱDzȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȯȱǰȱǰȱǯȱ ȱȱȱ ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ so my parents worry no one will ever buy the house, though anyȬ way they won’t move, won’t go somewhere where it’s easier for old ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȬǰȱ ȱ¢ȱȂȱ¢ǯȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ vasion, though they weren’t quite sure what was happening till it ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱǯȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱOf course, people tell me when I comȬ 111 plain they won’t leave, it’s their houseǯ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȬ ȱȱ¢ȱ ȱ¢ǯ ¢ȱȱȱ¢Ȭȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȬ ǯȱȱǰȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱ Scientist, died surrounded by ghouls; she threw windows open, ęȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱǯȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ǰȱȬ ery colors, and I see how my mother’s face, all folds, would catch ȱȱȱȱǯȱ My father and my mother have places on the couch, where they sit ȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱ££ȱ ȱǯȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱ ȱ ȱȂȱ be unable to sit anywhere else, capable, of course, but restless, eyes ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǯ My son when he visits his grandparents goes wild and sticky with ǯȱ ȱȂȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱȂȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ¢ȱȱ Ȭ ¢ȱȱǰȱĴȱȱȱȱȱȱĴǰȱȂȱȱȱȱȱȂȱ get it outǰȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱǰȱThat’s What She Saidǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȂǯȱȱȱDzȱȂȱ a a £ a watchamacallit.ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱȱȱ ȱǰȱǰȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ǰȱȱǯȱȱȂȱ ȱȱ or ǯ ¢ȱȱȱęȱȱ ȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ this solo visit to my parents’ house to two of him, himself and his ǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȂȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ ȱ ¢ȱȱǯȱYou want to control meǰȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȱȱȱ I’m twoǯȱ Ȃȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȂȱȱȱǯȱȱȂȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȂȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȂȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ Dzȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱ ȱȱǯȱȂȱȱȱȱęȱȱȱȱ 112 doll, a thing swiftly made for action, with no eyes or mouth, easy ȱȱǯ ȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱȱǰȱȱ¢ȱ¢ǰȱ¢ȱȱǯȱWe had ȱĴȱ¡ȱȱǯ The son of the man across the street, who ȱ ȱȱǰȱȱ¡ȱȱȱȱĚȱȱȱȂȱ ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱĝǰȱȱȱȱ ¢ǯȱWhy ȱȱǵ I want to know and my father says, He has long hair and Ĵǰȱ¢ȱ ǰȱȱǰȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱ newspapers and I look up the story, though there’s no more inforȬ mation than what my father told me, less actually, as the man’s long ȱȱĴȱȂȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȂȱȱ as the center of a triangle, poised between three points, power lines ȱȱǰȱȬȱȱȱǰȱęȱȱǯȱȂȱ¢Ȭ ǰȱȱȱDZȱǯȱ¢Ȃȱȱȱȱęȱȱ¢ȱ voltage and violence, one that sizzles on the edges but holds them ȱ ǯ ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱǯȱ If I simply kill myself in the next two decades, somehow I can avoid ǯ I come to think there’s a metaphysical bank where you deposit all the things you could say but don’t, especially things you could hurl ȱǯȱ¢ȱȱȱȱęǯȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ǯȱ¢ȱȂȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ fourteen into a drugged sleep, the fact that I have no idea what she ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ¢ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ these things go in — notes slipped to a blue goddess of a teller — ȱȂȱȱȱ ȱȂȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱǻȱ my parents’ capacity for tender care of my grandfather’s fourth wife ȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ¢ǯǼȱȱ¢ȱ Ȃȱȱ¢ȱǰȱ¢ȱęȬ¢Ȭǯȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ into passes the world will give him when he needs them, though it ¢ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱǰȱȱȱ¢ǯ 113 ѕѦȱіњȱѢњȱюјђѠȱђȱђђљȱђћёђџȱ ȱ ȱ Kim Adrian In college I knew a boy who walked funny, and a wrestler with golden ringlets, and a Greek boy who danced like an angel, and I ȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢Ȭ¢ȱȬ ȱ¡ȱǯȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱǰȱǰȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱěȬ tion despite the fact that, in reality, I never actually got to know any ȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȂȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǯ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǰȱ Ȭȱ¢ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȬ ǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȂȱ ȱ ȱȱȱǰȱȱ he’d set the audience — a bunch of drunken frat boys, their drunkȬ en girlfriends, and other partygoers, like myself, on one side of the ǰȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱ¢ȱĴȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱǻȱȱȱȱȱ achieved great heights of drunkenness), this boy always managed to maintain a reserve of mystery, even a quality of dignity, which ȱ ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱ ȱȱȱęȱȱȱȱ ĴǯȱȱǰȱȱȂȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱĴǯȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ ȱ of suggestion, but in any case, we all gasped whenever he slowly ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ǻ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ¢ȱ foot, usually clad, as I remember it, in a white tennis shoe) into the Ĵǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ǻȱ the end of which dangled another comparatively dainty foot in anȬ ȱ ȱȱǼȱȱȱĴȱ ȱȱ¢ǰȱ ȱȱȱĴȱ¢ǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ minds, as he wiggled his slim hips and slightly waspish waist past ȱȱȱȱĴǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ ately to pull in the rest of himself — his enormous chest and even more enormous shoulders, his beautifully sculpted arms decoratȬ ȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱ Ȭȱǰȱȱę¢ǰȱȱǰȱ which was a silly and captivating thing with its sparkling blue eyes and great masses of shiny blond ringlets — we were all struck, I’m certain, by the poignant yet essentially pointless beauty of humanȬ ¢ǯȱ ŗŗŚ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȂȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȯȱ ȱ¢ȱȱ ǰȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȃȄȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱǰȱ whenever we were at the same party, we would at some point meet ǻ ȱĴȱȱęȱǰȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ do so) on the front stoop of whatever building the party happened ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱęȱȱȱȬ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱǯȱȱ ȱȯȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ¢ȱǯȱ¢ȱȂȱĴȱȱȱǰȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱĴȱȱȱȱǰȱ ǯȱȱĴȱ ȱ¢ȱ the gentle, exploratory tone of these conversations, and the simple ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǰȱȱ ȱǰȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱǻ ȱȱȱȱȱ become so crowded, so preoccupied with the basic managerial tasks of living it’s a wonder I can remember anything at all), I secretly ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱǻ ȱȱȱǰȱ¢ȱ ǰȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱ¢Ǽȱȱȱ ȱęȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȬ ȱ ȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱ ǰȱĴȱȱęȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȯȱ ¢ȱȱȱȱȱǯ Ú ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ěȱ ¢ȱ ǯȱ ȱȱ ȱě¢ǰȱȱȱȱ ¢ǯȱ ȱ ȱ¢ȱǰȱ and very thin, and very rich, and I think there was something deȬ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱǰȱ¢ȱȱǯȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȭȱ ȱ Ȭǰȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ¢ȱ ȱȱ¢ȱęȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱ Ȭȱ ¢ǯȱě¢Ȃȱȱ ȱȱȱǰȱ¢ȱ ǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȬěȱǯȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȬ¢ȬȱȱDZȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱȱ ǰȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱǰȱȱ¢ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ was partly on account of his hair, and partly because of his strange ę¡ȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ǰȱ like myself, going to an ivy league university, that I was convinced ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱě¢ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ fact, I convinced myself that he was an eccentric genius, and spent every minute in his company searching for proof of this hidden geȬ 115 nius, verbally poking and prying in order to catch a glimpse of the hard brilliance I was certain must be lurking beneath his befuddled ȱȱ¢ȱȱ¡ǯ ȱȱ¢ȱȱě¢ȱ ȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱȱ was wrong with one side of his body, so that in order to walk he had ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǻȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ Ǽȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȂȱȱȱȱ this walking along some street in some city or other, no doubt, and you’ve thought, as I have, ȱȱ¢ȱȱǵȱ¢ȱȱ¢ǰȱ ȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱǰȱ ȱȱȱǰȱǰȱ ȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱǰȱȬȱȱȱȱȱȱĴȱȱǰȱ ȱȱǵ Whether it’s a misguided impulse on my part or not, people who walk in this way often strike me as quietly heroic and ¢ȱǰȱȱDzȱȱ¢ȱěȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱ¢ȱě¢ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ǯȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱ was still too young to understand what a perverse and destructive ȱ¢ȱǯȱȱ¢ȱȱȂȱǯȱ¢ǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ DZȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱ ȱǯȱ¢ȱȱȱǵȱ¢ȱȱ I think these things? Maybe I thought it would make a good story, ȱȱǯȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱǯȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǰȱȱě¢ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱ¢ȱǰȱ¢ȱěȱǯȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ ȱǰȱ ȱȱě¢ȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȂȱȱȱȱǯȱ Still, I admired him for his limp and his hair and for the fact that he came from money and looked like a genius even if he wasn’t ǯȱȂȱ¢ȱȱě¢ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱ ǯȱȂȱȱ ȱ ¢ǯȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱ ȱ faked our way through, my subconscious disgust for this boy grew, until, unfortunately, it suddenly announced itself at the most inopȬ ȱǯȱ The whole process didn’t take very long — our relationship ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱȂȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ 116 ȱ¢ȱȱȱĚ ǰȱǰȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱęǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǻȱǰȱ¢ȱǰȱȱǰȱȱ¢ȱ ¢Ȭ ȱǼǰȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱ¢ȱǰȱȱȱĴȱȱȱȱ Ȃȱȱȱǰȱ ȱ£DZȱȱȱȱǻȱȱǰȱȱǼȱ a collection of peacocks, some of which are albino — all pearls and diamonds — and these extraordinary creatures were allowed to wander wherever they pleased, even out onto the sidewalk on Amsterdam Avenue, with their long gleaming tails trailing behind ǯȱȱĵȱǰȱǰȱ ȱȱĴȱȱě¢Ȃȱȱ¢ȱ ęȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱ¢ǯȱȱ¢ȱǰȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱě¢Ȃȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ uncomfortable impression I had that I was making out with a child, ȱĴȱ ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ sily searching the inside my mouth was tooȱǰȱȱȱǯȱ I stepped away, too discombobulated to make any kind of coherȬ ȱȱȱ¡ǯȱȂȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱǰȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱěȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱě¢Ȃȱȱȯȱȱȱě¢ȱȱ ȱȱȱǯ ȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȂȱ¡ǯȱȱ when I said hello in the cafeteria line, from a distance of no more ȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȂȱȱǯȱ¢ǰȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ£¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȱě¢ȱ ȱȱȱȬȱȱ ȱȱ to hang, as the saying goes, on his arm and who, for all I know, may ȱȱȱ ȱ¢ǯȱ Ú Short but classically handsome, the Greek boy used to do this ȱȱȱȱĚȱ ȱȂȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱěǯȱ ȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱǵȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱȱ Ȭ ing, like it was nothing but actually his body was doing all of these ȱǰȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱ ȱ 117 around campus for my dancing — not because I could do any speȬ cial tricks, like the Greek boy, but simply because I loved to dance ȱȱȱ ȱǯ When I think about the night I spent with this boy, whose name, unfortunately, I can’t quite remember, I see the two of us as ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱǯȱ¢ǰȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱDzȱ ę¢ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ¡ȱ ¢ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȯȱȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱǰȱ ȱǰȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱ ȱȱ ȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱ ǰȱȱȱ ȱ¡ȱȱȱ ȱǯȱȱǰȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱĴǰȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱĚ ȱěȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǰȱ ȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱ¢ȱȱ ȱǰȱ ǰȱȱȱ ¡ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱǰȱȱǰȱ¡ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ǯȱ¢ǰȱȂȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱǯȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ Ȃȱ¢ȱ ǰȱ¢ȱȱĴȱȱȱȱę¢ȱǰȱȬĴȱȬ ȱȂȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȂȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱ ¢ȱ¢ȱ¢ȱ¢ȱȱȱ¢ȱ¢DZȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱ£ȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱ ȃ¢ȱȂȱȱ ǰȄȱȱǯȱ ȃȱȂȱĴǰȄȱȱȱǯȱ ȱęǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȯȱȱȂȱ¡¢ȱ ȱȱ ȱDZȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱ more exclusive fraternities on campus, and his room, which he ȱ ȱȱ¢ǰȱ ȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱǯȱȱ may have embellished things over the years, but I remember ornate ¢ȱ ȱȱȱǰȱȬȱǯȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ¢Ȭȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ care to lock the door, so that his roommate wouldn’t barge in on ǰȱȱǰȱȱǰȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱDZȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱ aware of a kind of severity in him that I’d never seen before, and ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱȱȱĴȱ ȱĴȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱǰȱȱȱ Ȃȱ ěȱȱ¢ȱȯȱȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ that the expectation hanging over both of us that night was that we 118 ȱȱȱȱ¡ǯȱȱǰȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱǯȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱǻȱȱ ȱȱ Ǽȱȱȱȱ what I was beginning to suspect were impossibly childish notions ȱȱȱ¡ȱȱǯȱ¢ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱǯȱǰȱ ¢ ¢ǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ǰȱ ȱȱ¡ȱ ȱȱ¡ǯ ȱ ȃȱ ěȱ ¢ȱ ǰȄȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ǯȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱ¢ǰȱȱȱěȱ¢ȱǰȱ¢ȱǰȱ Ĵȱ¢ȱǰȱȱ¢ȱǯ ȃǰȄȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ǰȱ ǰȱȱȂȱ ¢ȱ¡ǰȱ ȱǰȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱȃȱȱ ȱȱ ǯȄ It went on like that for a while, with the Greek boy directing me from his armchair, telling me to walk toward him and away from him, across the enormous room and back, ordering me to turn, to bend, to stand up, to raise my arms over my head, to spin in a circle, ¢ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȂȱ ȱ ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȃǰȄȱȱ ȱ¢ȱǯȱȃǯȄȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ¡¢ȱ ȱǰȱȱȱȂȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱ Ȃȱ¢ȱ is that now, so many years later, I see that as far apart as we were ȱǰȱ ȱ ȱȱȱǰȱȱǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱ ȱǯȱǰȱ ȱ ȱ¢ȱ ȱȱǯȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȂȱ ¢ǯ Ú The last boy is the one I remember best of all, and the one I ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱǵȱȱǰȱȬ ȱǯȱ ȱǯȱȂȱĴ¢ȱ¢ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǵȱȱ¢ǯȱȱǰȱȱȱ¢ȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱ¡ȱȱȬ ȱ¡ȱǰȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ ȱȱ his girlfriend at the time, a dancer, had broken up with him right ȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱĴ¢ȱ ¢ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱ ȱ¡ȱȱȱ ȱǰȱȱȱĴȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱǯȱ He was only the friend of a friend of a friend of mine — or, to put ȱȱ¢ǰȱȱ¡Ȭǰȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ 119 ¢Ȃȱǯȱȱ¢ȱȃ¢ȱ¢ǰȄȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȬ ǰȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ¢ȱȱǰȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱęȱȱ ȱ ȱȱ ȱȱŗǰŖŖŖȱȱ ȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǰȱ which is why the time I spent with the boy whose name I no longer recall was not romantic in the least, but time spent in the spirit of a ¢ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ¡ȱ ȬȬ¢Ȭǵȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱDZȱȱȱǻǰȱȱ course, his mother had succeeded in killing herself, whereas mine ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱĴǼȱȱǯȱȱȂȱȱ much about our mothers, but we did talk about food, and somehow, we got onto the topic of dumplings — the Chinese kind, greasy and ǰȱȱ¢ȱȱęȱȱȱȱǯȱȂȱȱ had this kind of dumpling before and the boy whose mother had ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȃ¢Ȃȱ£ǷȄȱȱȱȱ ¢ǯȱȃȱȱǯȱȂȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȂȱȱ¢ȱ ǯȱ Ȃȱȱȱ ȱ¢ǯȱȂȱ¢ȱ¢ȱǯȱȂȱȱ ȱ ǯȱȱȱȱǯȄ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ is neither here nor there, but I was aware of it the whole time, and I ȱȱ ǰȱǯȱ We spent the afternoon and evening together — a long stretch, ȱȱȂȱȱ¡¢ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱ we sped down Morningside Drive with the windows wide open ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ Ȃȱ Ĵ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ęȱ ȱ Ě ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȭȱǯȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱ ȱǰȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ £ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǰȱ¢ȱȱȱ ¢ǰȱ¢ȱ¢ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱęȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ǯȱ¢ǰȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱǰȱ ȱȱȱ ȱ ȱęȱȱǯ The streets were so crowded that we had to drive as slowly as ȱȱǻ ȱȱȱěȱȱ Ǽȱ ȱ ǯȱ This was perfect for our purposes — scouting out a good dumpling restaurant — although in the end, we didn’t eat at a restaurant at all, but bought the dumplings from a man selling them out of a steamȬ ȱȱǯȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱ 120 ȱ ȱȬȬ£ȱȱ ¡Ȭȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ were three or four dumplings, big as golf balls, white and vaguely ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱěȱ ȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȯȱ¢ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱǰȱ ȱ ȱȱ ȱȱĚǰȱ ȱȱ¢ȱ¢ȱȱȱ teeth stick together, and this of course was both amusing and gross, ȱ¢ȱǰȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȬ lings slid down our throats and chins, so hot still that it felt light, not ¢ȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ ǯȱȱ ȱ dozens of dumplings, and it’s not easy, in fact, it’s fairly hard work to eat such chewy, sticky, meaty morsels one right after the other, ȱȂȱ ȱ ȱǰȱĴȱȱȱȱȱ ȂȱDzȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱ ȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȱȱ¢ǰȱ ȱȱ order Chinese dumplings, or anything equally hot and greasy and ǰȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱĚ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ day — cherry and apple blossoms mostly, because it was spring, ȱǯȱȱ ȱǯȱ 121 ђђёȱџіѠђȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Somewhere on those high planes we exhaled the last of ourselves, ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ¢ǯȱ And when the pines drifted east we sifted in a long, slow curve — ȱȂȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ǯ We were towns we’d left once more, our bodies cleaving at the mouth, a nullity about the eyes — as if all the stars had gone supernova — leaving us ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ In all our starts ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱ ȱ ȱȱDZȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱǵȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱęǰ or down by the riverbanks a big hare sat on its haunches — have to start our way back, harder than ever ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ We had a habit of referring ȱȱǰȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱěȱ ȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ǵȱ ȱĴǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱǵ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱǯȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱęǰ because for all we knew life might have been meant to happen through the breast? These were the avatars by which we knew each other, and what escaped us then is now mired ȱȱ ȱȱȱęǯȱ 122 ќѢѠђȱќѓȱѡѕђȱюџєђȱќѢћѡюіћǰȱќњѝђііȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ĵȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȬěȱȱȱȱȬȱǰȱȱȬ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȭȱ ǰȱ ȱ Ĵȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȂȱ¢Ȭȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱǰȱ ȱȱĴȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǰȱȱȱȱ ȬȱȱȱȬȱȱȱȱ ĝȬȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱ ȱ Ȭȱȱȯȱȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȬȱ ȱȯȱ ȬȱȱĚȱȱǯȱ Ú All through my childhood, a fat Ȃȱ sat on my shelf ȱ¡ȱȱȱȱ£ȱȱȱ ¢ȱ¢ȱ¢ǯȱ I don’t remember who gave it to me — it seemed as if it had alȬ ways been there — and if I also don’t remember ever reading it, I ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ¢ȱȱȱ ȱ£ȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱĴȱȱȱȱȬ ǰȱěȬȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱ Ȃȱ ęǰȱȬĚȱEǯ Inside, among all of the gauzy drawings of burning cities and ȱȱȱěǰȱȬȱǰȱȱȬȱ¢ȱȱ DZȱȱȱȱȱ ǰȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱ ȱȱDzȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱĴȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱěǰȱ ǰȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱ Ú ȱǰȱȱȱȂȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ ǰȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ě ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱȱ¢Ȃȱȱǯȱȱǰȱȱ would have been channeled through a complex network of pipes ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȃȱ Ȭȱ ǰȱ ȱ Ȭ verted along what’s now called the Street of Mercury before being ȱȱȱ££ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȬ stage steps in order to swirl and glimmer in the basin beneath those 123 bookending stone masks that, it’s believed, were designed to hold ǯȱ The fountain, strategically placed in order to be seen by all ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱĴȱĚȬ ȱȱ¢ȱȱ is representative of the kind of showy garden ornament that was ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ǯȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ǯȱ ȱȱǰȱȱȂȱȱ ȱȱȱȬ ȱȯȱ ȱȱȱǰȱȱȃĴȱȄȱȯȱȱ¢ǯȱ Moreover, the mosaic’s fragments of stone and glass are arranged haphazardly, although this appears to have been intentional, with ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ light that would have spilled from the mouths and eyes of Tragedy ȱ ȱȱȱȱěȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱǰȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ¢ȱ¢ǯȱ Ú Hercules — as a Roman god of victory, fecundity, and commercial ȱȯȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ Ȃȱǰȱ ǰȱǰȱȱǰȱȂȱȱ¢ȱęȱ¢ȱȱ trademark club or lion skin cape or some shorthand version of one ȱȱ ȱDZȱ ȱȱȬȱǰȱ¢ǰȱȱȬ ȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ęǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ fresco perhaps shows Hercules freeing Theseus from the UnderȬ world, although the image might actually depict a gaggle of musiȬ ȱȱȱȯȱ ȱȂȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱ¢Ȭ ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱęȱȱȱȱȱȱ — they all might be Hercules as some have claimed, but look as if ¢ȱȱȱ¢ȱ¢ȱȱǯ Ú ȃȱȱȱȱ ǰȄȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȃȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱęȱǯȄȱ ȱȂȱȱȱ ȱǯȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱ ǰȱȱȬȱȱȱǯȱ¢ȱ ȱǰȱ¢ ȱǰȱ ȱǰȱǰȱȱǯȱȂȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ ȱǰȱȱȱĴȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ŗŘŚ Years ago, cued by a viewing of ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǻȱ ȱȱ ȱȱ Ȭȱ¡ȱȱ¢ ȱȱ¢ȱ in the clouds answered everything I might ask), I once swore to my ȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȬ¢ȱȱȱȱȬ ȱȱȱĴȱȱ¢ȱȱ ǯȱ Ú ȱȱȂȱȱ ǰȱȱȱȱȱ¢ ȱȱǰȱ as a means of creating a sense of lushness that went on and on, there had been frescoes of myrtle trees, oleander and lavender, as ȱȱȱȬȱȱȱ£ȱȱȱȱȬ ȱǯȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ Ȭȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ Ȃȱ ěȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ separate hunting scene — men chasing after a boar — painted toȬ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱ ȱ ȱǰȱȱ¢ȱȱ ǯȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ collapse not long after the house was excavated, and the fresco is ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ Ȭ¢ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱȱ ȱ¢ȱǰȱȱȱĚȱ ȱȱĚ ȱȱȬ mained, now there’s nothing left but a few blotchy pink streaks, ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ Ú In the center of a courtyard in Rome, where one can sip cappucȬ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȭȱ ȱ Ȭȱȱȱ ǰȱȂȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱǯȱ ȂȱȱȱȱĴȱȱȱȱȱ wider circle of six Silenus heads spouting water into a larger pool that’s surrounded in turn by six gurgling mouths that look as if ¢ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ ȱȬ shaped basin that rests in a pool where water bubbles and ripples ȱȱ¢ǯȱ ǰȱȱȬȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǰȱȱ even as the snake coils around his forearms and legs, even as waȬ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ and algae coats the lion skin draped across his back, the kid seems ¢ȬǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱĴȱ£ȱȱȱȱ Ȭȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǰȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ 125 ȱȱȱęȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱȱ Ȃȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ǰȱ ǰȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȭ ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱęȱȱȬ der for his work to avoid the appearance of depicting some random, Ȭ£ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱǰȱǰȱ must have assumed that we’d all understand well enough that the ȱȱȱȱǯȱ Ú ȱȃȄȱ ȱȱȱȃǯȄȱ ȱȱȱǵȱȱȂȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ǯȱ Ȭ ȱ ȱȱȬȱǰȱȱȱ ȱȃǰȄȱȱ ȃȄȱȱȃǰȄȱ ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢Ȭ ȱǰȱȱȱȱȃǰȄȱȱȱȃǰȄȱȱ ȃȱǰȄȱȱȃȱȱȱȱȱǰȄȱȱȱȃȄȱ ȱȃȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȄȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǵȱȱȂǰȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢ǯȱ Ú Although George Stevens scouted for locations all through the ȱȱǻȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ and Israel’s prime minister), those particular rocks and peaks didn’t ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ Thus, even though he would need to airfreight backdrop palms and ȱęȂȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱęȱThe ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȂȱ ǯȱ ȱ Ȃȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ and Moab was the location of the Sermon on the Mount, and Jesus ȱȱ¢ȱȱ¢ȱ¢ȱȱǰȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱ¢Ȭȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱǰȱȱȱ production dragged on into winter, the crew needed to shovel snow from the set and blowtorch the rocks outside of Lazarus’s home, ȱ Ȭȱ ȱ£ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ Ȭȱ ¢ȱ were spraypainted yellow and pink in order to create a cascade of ȱȱȱęǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱĚȬ ing of Glen Canyon would have to wait until Stevens hauled away 126 ȱǰȱȱǰȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ȂȱĚ ȱȱ ǰȱȱĚȱȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱȬ ȱȱ¢ȱĚǰȱȱȱȱȱȱ¡Ȭȱ ȱ ǰȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱęȂȱ ǰȱ¢ȱ ǰȱǰȱȱ ¢ȱ¢ǰȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱ Ú During the weeks leading up to my family’s trip to Pompeii, there ȱȱȱȱȱęȬ¢Ȭȱǯȱ What do we do if the volcano erupts? How will we get away in time? How do you know it won’t wake up? Was everyone who died there bad? I told him about seismographs, scientists keeping watch, how our rented car — Ƿȱ ȯȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǻ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȃȱ ǷȄȱȱǼǰȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ¢ǯȱ¢ǯȱ ¢ȱǰȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȯȱȱŗŞǰȱŗşŚŚȱȯȱ¢ȱ¢ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱęȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ¢ȱ¢ȱ ǰȱȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȃȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȄȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱęȱȱȱ the air, and the wings of some of the grounded bombers melted in ȱǯȱȱȱ ǰȱȱ ǰȱȱȱȱ like someone gasping for breath and black stones pummeled the trees and tents and, on a night in which nearly everyone in the end ȱǰȱȱ ȱ ȱȱĚǯȱ Ú In 1980, an earthquake destroyed part of a bakery as well as the roof of the House of the Labyrinth and forced a complex grid work ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȬ ȱȱ¢ȱ¢ȱǰȱȱĚȱĚȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱěǯȱȱȱ House of the Moralist and the House of the Chaste Lovers, garden walls caved in, and, on a beautiful autumn day, in a Pompeii house known for its sumptuous outdoor space, a pillar thudded into the ȱ ȱ ǯȱ 127 Just a few years ago, much of the House of the Gladiators crumȬ ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȬȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǻȱȱȬ ȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱ ǰȱȬ ȱȱ ȱȱǼǰȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȬ ǯȱ ǰȱǰȱȱȱȯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱĜȱȱȱ ȱǻȃȱȱŗşȱȱȱȄǼȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱĴȱǰȱȱȱȱ ȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȃ ȱȄȱȯȱȬ ȱȱȬȬȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ Ú ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱ¡ǰȱȂȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱǰȱȱ ¢ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȂȱ odd undulations and lack of clear landmarks within its desert ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱǰȱ ȱȱǰȱȱǰȱ¢Ȃȱ ¢ȱǯ Standing on those rocks, I can see paddle cactus, yucca, wilted ǰȱȱȬȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ ǰȱ Ȃȱ ȱ Ȭȱ Ûǰȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ Ȭȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȬȱ riverbed, there’s a gnarled squiggle of tree roots where the earth has ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱĴȱ ȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȂȱȬǯȱ ȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȂȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱDZȱ¢ȱȱȬ ȱȱȱȂȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȂȱ Ȭ ȱȱȱȱ Ȃȱ ȬȬȬ Ȭȱ¢ǯȱȱǰȱ ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱęȱǰȱȂȱȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȬȬȱ ǯȱ ȃȱ ¢ȱ ǰȄȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱDZȱȱ¢ǰȱ ȱȂȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱęȱȱȱ of us happens to think of it, the family pilgrimages here with root ȱȱĴȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱǰȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱĴȱěDZȱěȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ǰȱ ǰȱ ȱȬȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱȬȱȬ ȱȱȱǰȱȱȬ¡Ȭ ȱȬȱ ǰȱȬ ȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯ 128 ȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱę¡ȱȱǯȱȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȭȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ęȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȬȬ ȱȱȱȬǰȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȬȬȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱ Ú ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱȬȱȱǰȱȱȬ ǰȱȱ ȱǰȱȱȱĴȱǯȱ Herculean moments not depicted by the Romans include Hera, ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȬȱȱȱȱ ǰȱ ęȱǰȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱĴȱ ǯȱȱȂȱ ȂȱǰȱȱȱȱȬ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢Ȭ theus, the man who had imposed the twelve labors, and gouging out its eyes with a hairpin before the head shrivels, some say, into a ȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱǰȱǰȱȱ£ȱ¡ȱȱȬ peii, none depict Hercules becoming a god after he’s duped into ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱĚȱȱȱȱȱ ǰȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢Ȭ¡ȱ ¢ȱ¢ȱȱěȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯ Ú ȱ¢ȱȱȂȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǰȱ ȱ ȱȱǰȱȬ ȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱLooney Tunesǯȱȱȱ ǰȱȱ ȱ DZȱ¢ȱȱȱ¡ȱȱǰȱȱȱ¢ȱȬ ȱȱȱȱěǰȱǰȱ ȱȱĴȱ ěȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱ¢ǰȱȱȱǰȱȱȱǰȱȱ ££ȱȱȱę££¢ȱȱěȱȱȱǯȱǰȱȱǰȱ ǰȱ¢ȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱĴȱȱȱ ¢ǰȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ęȱ ȱ ǰȱ Ȭ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱǯȱ ¢ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱ ȱ Ȭ ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ¢ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ěȱ ȱ ǰȱ ¡ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ 129 magic potions, and allowed him to gobble down the last strawberȬ ǯȱǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ǰȱĴȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ǰȱȬ ¢ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȬǯȱ Ú In the Marvel comics that I grew up with, Hercules managed a few ȱ¢ȱ ȱǯȱȱȬȱ ȱ ȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱǻȱǷǼǰȱǰȱȱȱȱȬȱ ȱȬǰȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȬ¢Ȭ ȱȱ ǰȱ ȱȱęȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱȬ ǯȱȃȱȱ¢ȱȂȱȱȱ¢ǰȱ ȂȱȱǷȄȱȱ Ȭȱ ȱ ǯȱ ¡ȱ ȱ ¢Ȭǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱǰȱȂȱȱȱ ȱȱĴȱȱȱ ȱǰȱęȱǰȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢ǯȱ Ȃȱ ǰȱȱǰȱȱȱ¢ȱěȱǯȱ When that play begins, his wife and children are about to be killed by a bloodthirsty king, and, in a further scramble of the story’s usuȬ ȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱ ǰȱěȱȱȱ ȱ ȱǰȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱęȱ ȱǯȱȱȱȱǰȱȂȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱDZȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ ȱȱ ȱDzȱȱȱȱȱȱęȱǰȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱǯȱǻȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ǰȱȱȱǰȱȃȱȱȱȱȱǵȄǼȱ If convention insists that the heavyweight arrives to rescue his family with mere seconds to spare, his appearance also ensures ȱǯȱȱȱǰȱ ȱ¢ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱ ȱ DZȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȬ ȱȱěȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱĚȱȱ ǰȱȬ ȱĚȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȬ ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱĚȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȂȱǯȱ ȱȱ ȱȱęȱȱ¢ȱĴȱȱȱȱȱ him and his hands wet with their blood, Hercules doesn’t need a ȱ¢ ȱȱȱȱ¢Ȃȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ ǰȱȱ ȱȂȱǰȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȃȱ ȱ ǰȄȱ ȱ ¢ǰȱ ȃȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȄ 130 Ú ¢ȱȱ ǰȱȂȱȱȱ¢ȱȂȱȬȱĴǰȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǰȱęȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱ ¢ȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱǰȱȂȱ ¢ȱȱǯȱȬ ȱǰȱȱȱȂȱĴȱ ȬȬȬȱǰȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȭȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ them, then arranges the stones in a row on the windowsill, seeming ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ Ȃȱ ǰȱȱ ǰȱȱȬǰȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱǰȱȂȱȱǰȱȱ what he’s made, then lean in again to reorder one or two, as if knowȬ ing exactly what’s needed to bear him through the night and what ȱȱěǯȱ 131 іѣіћєȱќѢџȱќёѦȱѡќȱѐіђћѐђȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱęȱȱȱDZȱȱȱȬ ǰȱȱ ȱȱȱǰȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ ¢ǰȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱęȱȱȱ room where you sit in your paper gown, feet in socks, smiling your ȱȱȱ¢ȱĝȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱǰȱ who will be paid $30 for donating your living body to science, who will lie back and hook your feet in stirrups while nervous young ȱȱĴȱȱȱǯȱ SpeculumDZȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ speculation, the nose of it nudging aside the most sensitive tissues so the curious may peer inȬ ǯȱǰȱ¢ȱȱȱęȱȱȱȱ¢¢DZȱ¢ȱ strange cervix with is cockscomb hood, the errant cervical cells, a ȱȱȱȱęȱȱȱȱ ȱȯȱ¢Ȃȱȱǯȱ¢ȱ to get the speculum in without hurting, so hurt you they do, yet they’re the ones who wince, say ¢ǰȱ¢ǰȱ¢ all in a rush as they put gloved hands inside, feel around, and one of them gets ǰȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱ Ȃȱȱȱȱȱȱ Ȃȱ wrong with you, even pats your knee as he says it — DES Syndrome ȯȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱ¢ȱǰȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱ¢ǯȱ You smile again, say ǰȱyour pelvis aching as they ęȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȯȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȯȱ¢ȱȱ¢ǰȱ¢ȱȱȱDZȱDon’t you feel weird doing ǵȱȱȱȂȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ¢ȱ ȱ you’d said something — something about the $30 and how it will buy groceries, something about helping womankind — but you wait silently in the empty room for the next batch to arrive, staring ȱȱȱȱĴȱȱȱȬǰȱȱȱǰȱȱ ǰȱȱȱȱĴȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ 132 џќњȱѐіђћѡіѠѡȱѡќȱћіњюљȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱǯȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȬȱȱȱȱȱȱ£ȱȱȱ ȱęȱȱǰȱ ȱ¡ǯȱȱęȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱŗşŚśǯȱȱȱȱ Ěȱǰȱ¢ȱȱ ǰȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȂȱȱȱDzȱȱȂȱ £ȱȱȱęȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȂȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȂȱǯȱȱȂȱ ȱȱȂȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȬ trance gate we signed a waiver acknowledging the risk of stepping ȱȱ¡ǰȱȱȱȱǯ A monument of black lava marks the location of where the ¡ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ £ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¡ǯȱȬȬ ȱȬ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȬ scriptions on placards accompany the photographs, as if this were a ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱ ȱ¢ȱǰȱǰȱȱȱȱǯȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱ¢ȱ ȱȱǯȱ¢ȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱ¡ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱȱ¢ȱ£ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǵȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱǯȱȂȱşŝķȱǰȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȬ ness, I don’t want to faint hereǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱěȱǰȱȬ £ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱ¢ȱ days to not know that your shadow can be photographed onto a ȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱ Part of my work as a scientist is to track the hydrologic cycle ȱ¢ȱȱ¡¢ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ǯȱ This work is built on baseline information from a global network that monitors tritium in precipitation to check for clandestine bomb ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȭ ȱ ǰȱǰȱȱ¢ǯȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱ¢ȱǯ A sign tells me an hour in the fenced area will expose me to 133 ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȬ ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ¡ȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱǯȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȬ ȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱęȱ ȱǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ test stick showed two pink lines, a piece of this bird’s soul dropped ȱȱ¢ȱ ǯȱ The sign continues with information about common ways we ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ǯȱ ¢ȱ ¢ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ǰȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȱȬ¢ȱĚȱ ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱDzȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱŘǰŖŖŖȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǯ I walk out the gate, back into plain desert, I expect the exquiȬ ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȂȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱDzȱȱȱȱ ȱĴȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱęȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȬȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ£ȱȱȱȱ¢ǯ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱĴȱȱDZȱȱ ǰȱȱ¡ǰȱ a canoe trip, a work conference, my pregnant body and this fetus ȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱ¢ȱȱ¢ȱǰȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ Ȃȱ ȱ ȱ Ĵȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ Ě ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ǯȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱĴȱȱȱȱȬ ¢ȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱ ȱ¡ȱȱǰȱȬǰȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱȱ ¡ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ about how I have avoided telling colleagues and work peers that Ȃȱǯȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǯ ȱ¢ȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ¡DZȱȬ ȱǰȱȱȱěǰȱȱȱǰȱ ¡ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱĜȱȱȱȱȱDzȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱ ȱȱ ǰȱ ǰȱ ȱǰȱǯȱ ŗřŚ In the summers, I go out West to collect samples of mud and water ȱǯȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ Ě ȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱǰȱ ¢ȱȱǰȱǰȱ¢ǰȱ ȱȱ ǰȱȱǯȱ¢ȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǰȱȱ ȱȱ ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱĴȱǯȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǰ but I can’t remember what Iȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱ¡ȱǯ A female professor in my department tells graduate students, ȃ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱǰȱȱ ȱȱǯȄȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱ ¢ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱęȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱǯȱ¢ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ¡ȱȱȱ apart from our partners, some scientist even live apart after having ǯȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȂȱǰȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱęȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱ£ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȬȱ¢ȱȯȱȂȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ¢ǯ ȱ¢ȱȱ£ȱȂȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱDzȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ǰȱȱ ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ¢ǯȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱęȱȱȱȱ and again, unable to choose with our minds, we answered with ȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȂȱǯ I am exhausted yet insomniac, hungry yet repulsed by food; ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ¢ȱ ȱ¢ȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱęȱȱ¢ȱ ȱ¢ȱ ȱǰȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ£ȱǰȱȱ ȱȱęȱȬ ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȂȱȱȱȬ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱĚ¢ȱǰȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱĜǰȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȂȱĜȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱ ěǰȱ ȱ ȱ Ȭǯȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȂȱȱȱ ȱǯ 135 ȱȂȱęȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢Ȭȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȬǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ£ȱȱȱęǯȱ¢ȱȱǰȱȱ ȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ The scene is not dreamlike, but in the bold red, orange, yellow ȱȱȱȱǯȱ¢DZȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱ¡ȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱ ǯȱ I imagine walking into the archeological scene; hunters back ȱȱ¡ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱ ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱ ǯȱ My craving for blood is in the category of dirt, rocks, rust, launȬ ¢ȱǰȱǯȱ¢ȱȱ¢ȱȱĚ¡ǰȱ¢ȱȬ ǯ ȱȱȱ¢ȱDZȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ¢ȱ Ĝȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱǯȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ¢ǯȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯ I’m a bridesmaid in my friend Sally’s wedding; the guests are ¢ȱǯȱȂȱęȱȱȱȱȱDzȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȃȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ Ȭ noons I take long naps, lose myself to the bliss of sleep, transcend the prewedding tensions of an interfaith marriage, signage to direct Ĝȱȱȱ ¢ǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱǯȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱǯȱȂȱȱ ¢ȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ¡ȱǯȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȂȱDzȱȱȱȱǯȱI need to pee nowǯȱȱȱ ȱ ȱǰȱȱȱ¢Ȃȱǯȱȱȱǰȱȃȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǵȄȱȱ ȱȱisȱǯȱȂȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱDZȱ one to the hall, one to the closet, and another with framed pictures ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱDzȱęȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ 136 ȱ ȱ¢ȱ ȱ¢ȱ ǯȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱ¢ȱęȱȱȱǯȱȂȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱęȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ¢ȱ¢ȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱęȱDZȱǰȱǰȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱ ȱǯ ȱȱ¡ȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȬ ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ǯȱȱęȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱęȱȱ¢ȱȱ¡ǯȱȱȱȱ Steven’s lean body I’m surprised, as if I expected the whole world ȱĚȱ ȱǰȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ ęȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ¡ǰȱȃȱȱǯȄȱȱȱ ȱȱȂȱ ǰȱȱȂȱȱ ȱǯȱȱpotential is excruciating, ǰȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱ¢ȱ ǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȂȱ ȱǯȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȱ¢ȱ ȱȱ Ȭ¢ȱȯȱȱȱȱȱ Ȭ ȱ ȱȱ ǰȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱ ȱ¢ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱǰȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȂȱ£ȱȱȱ ȱ Ȭ¢ȱȱȱ ȱ ȱ Ȃȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ Ȃȱ ȱ Ȭ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱ¢Ȃȱǯ I ask my stepmother when I will become a mother, she says, ȃȱȱ¢ȱȱǯȄȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ Ȃȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ǵȱȱȱǵȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ǵȱȱȱȱĴȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ¢ȱȱǵȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ¢ǰȱȱ¢ȱȱ parent in a way you wouldn’t be if the baby died inside you at nine months? At three months? Will the soul come back in a later pregȬ nancy? Are souls out there waiting? ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȬȬ ȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ¢ǰȱȃȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱǵȄȱ 137 ȃȱȂȱęȱǰȄȱȱ¢ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱĚ ȱȱǰȱȱȱ ȱǯȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ¢Ȃȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱ ǰȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǰȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱǰ I say with arms ȱȱȱȱȱ ǯ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ£ȱȱȱȬ ¢ǯȱȂȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȬ ǰȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ£ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȃ¡ȱǰȄȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȂȱȱǯȱȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ ȱ sense of glee as groups of people move to let me go by, my belly ȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱ¡ǰȱǰȱǰȱǰȱȱęȱ ȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȂȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱDzȱ¢ȱȱĚĴȱ¢ȱȱ ¡ȱ ǯȱ The children at the party make the miracle and strangeness of ¢ȱȱǯȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǰȱȃȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱǯȄȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ lab speculate about a past female graduate student who got pregȬ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱęȱ¢ȱěǰȱit is all you ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ at this party what did you need? Why did you decide to have chilȬ dren? What does it mean to be a parent? I realize that my body is not wakeable with cookies or music or ȱ ȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱǯȱ¡ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱ¢ȱȬ ȱȱǰȱȱǰȱȱȱȱǯȱ¢ȱ look like vampires waiting for sundown; black eyeliner smudged ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ěȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȱ ǰȱȃȱȱǯȄȱȱȱǰȱȱ 138 ȱ¢ȱ ¢ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ she kneels in front of her with her legs on either side of her body, ¢ȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱ¢ȱȱ ȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱ ǰȱ¢ȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱ¡ȱȱǯȱȱęȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ¢ǰȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ¢ȱęȱ ȱȱȱȂȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȂȱ ȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱ ȱ around my waist, the pressing, pushing, buzzing of my belly too ǯȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ ȱǰȱȱȱǯȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȂȱ ȱȱȱDzȱ ȱȂȱȱȱ¢ȱ¢ȱ ȱȱ ǯȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȯȱǰȱǰȱǰȱȱǯȱȱȬ read my work from the day before bed, then Steven sits behind me ȱ ȱȱǯȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱǰȱ ȱȱȱǯ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ǯȱ ȱ Ȭ ȱȱĚȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱĴ¢ȱǯȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢Ȭȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ęȬȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǻȱŘśȱȱȱǼȱ ȱ ȱȱ ¢Ȭȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ¢ȱȬ ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱĜȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ǯȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ǯ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱǯȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ Dzȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ Ȭ ȱ ǰȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȭ ǯȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱ¡ȱǰȱȱȱ ȱěȱȱȱȱȱȬȱȱ¢ȱ¡ȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱǯȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ ¢Ȭęȱȱ ȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ ȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱ, I 139 ǯȱǰȱ¢ǰȱȱ¢ȱȱǯȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱǯȱThere is only the present; the past and future are not real. I’m in a realm I’ve ȱ ǯȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ǯȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ·ǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȬȱĴȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱ ȱ ȱ¢ǯȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱDZȱȃȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱǯȄȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱ ȱ ȱ¢ȱǰȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱěȱȱǯȱ I want to learn from my body, I don’t want technology to make me ȱĜǯȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ ȱǰȱȱȱ ȱǰȱȃǯȱǯǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǰȄȱȱ¢ǯȱȱ¢ȱǯ ȃȂȱȱ¢ǷȄȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱȱǰȱ ¢ȱȱĴǯȱ¢ȱ¢ȱ¢ȱȱ¢ȱǰȱȱȱȱǯȱȬ es stand on either side of me, push with their whole body weight ȱ ¢ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱǯȱȱȱǯȱ ȃȂȱ¢ȱ¢ǰȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǰȄȱȱ ȱȱǯ ȃȱȱęȱǯȄȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱ ȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱ¢ȱǰȱ ȱ ȱȱĚȱȱ ǯȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ my calm, my control, the focus on breathing, the focus on the task ȱȱȱǯȱȱDzȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȃȱȱǰȄȱ¢ȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȂȱȱDzȱȱȬ ȱ¢ǯȱȃȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȂȱȱȱ ǰȄȱȱȱǯȱ ȃȂȱȱǰȱȂȱȱǰȄȱȱ¢ǯ Unbelievable, a bit of Steven, a bit of me, and then my body ȱȱǯȱ¢ȱ ȱǰȱȱ¢ȱȱǯȱ¢ȱȱ was made this way, I remind myself when I hear about a serial killer ȱȱ ǰȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱęȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱ ǯȱȱ¢ȱ£ȱȱȱȱ ŗŚŖ the distance between nature and myself? The human hubris that we are somehow beyond the mess of wilderness? ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȃȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱǰȱȱ¢ȱȱěǰȱȱ¢ȱȱ¢ȱȱ¢ȱǯȱ Ȃȱȱȱ ǯȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ǰȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȄȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ naked and showering with my midwife, I dream blood rains from ȱ¢ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ ing; it tires out the uterus so it does not clamp down to stop the ȱȱȱǯȱ ¢ȱǰȱȱȱǰȱȱǰȱȃȱȱǵȄȱ ȃȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ ǯ ǯ ǯ Ȅ ȱȃǰȄȱ¢ȱ¢ȱȱȱęǯȱ I can’t stand and hold the baby for more than a moment without ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȬ ȱȱǯȱ ȃȱȂȱȱȱǵȄȱȱȱȱȱ ¡ǰȱȃȱ ȱ¢ȱȂȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȄȱ What meaning do we imagine in the actions of our corporeal ǵȱȱ¢ȱȱǵȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǵ Like people without pets handed a puppy, we are cautious and ȱȱȱ ȱ¢ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ swaddles him; she waves his thin arms and legs in the air, giggles ȱ ȱȱǯȱȱǯȱȱȂȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ¢ǰȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱęǯȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȱ¢ǯ ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱęȱȱ need to eat colors and ideas beyond the cycle of feeding, diapers, ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱęȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ room with four carpeted benches in the middle, a screen as large as ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǰȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱěǯȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱĴȱȱĴȱǯ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱěȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ the ǯȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ ŗŚŗ ȱ¢ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱęȱ ¢ȱȱ ȱ ǯȱȱ ȱ ¢ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱDZȱǰȱ¢ǰȱȱ ǰȱȱǰȱȱǯȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ into answering questions, the suspense, risk, innovation give a ȱȱǯ ¢ȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȂȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱǰȱ ȱȱȱ ȱǯȱ¢ȱȱȱ ĚȱȱȱȱȱęDZȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱ ȱȱȱȱDzȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǰȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ but imagine that we are suckling at each other, a muscle memory ȱǯȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱęȱ time kissing as a teen, I thought I was discovering a new form of ¢ǯȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱǰȱȱ ȱǯȱ ȱȱȱěȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱęǯȱȱ movie is silent for a period of explosions and then the sound of the ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ¢Ȃȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ǯȱ¢ȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱ ȱ¢ȱ ǯȱȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱĚ ȱ ȱȱǯȱȱȱ¢ȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ŗŚŘ іѐџќѠѐќѝіѢњȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Mi·∙cro·∙sco·∙pi·∙um ȱDZ a small southern constellation south of ǯ ȱȱŗşŜŞȱęǰȱPowers of Tenǰȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ£ȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ a picnic in a park, every 10 seconds, 1 meter wide, viewed 1 meter away, every 10 seconds the lens moves 10 times farther away and ȱęȱȱ ȱ ȱŗŖȱȱ ǯȱǯȱǯȱŗǰŖŖŖȱǯȱ ¢ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ ȱǯȱ ŗŖȱȱȱŜȱȱȱȱǯȱǰȱ ȱǯȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱDZȱǰȱǰȱȱ¢ǯȱ ǰȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȬ ¢ȱǯȱȱǯȱ ȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱǵ ȱ ¢ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ Ȃȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ Ȭ honey, 21, was riding her bicycle through a neighborhood south of ȱȱ ȱȱŘŗȬ¢ȬȱȱȱŗśŖȱǰȱŜŜȱȱ ȱǰȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ǰȱȱȱĚȱȱǰȱȱȱȬ ȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȬ ǯȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱǰȱȂȱȱȱǯȱȱ driver, driving fast, drunk, exponentially, shifts into the 10 to the ŝȱ ȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ hair as black as the paint on your truck, as black as your skid marks, ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȱȱȱ£ȱȱȱȱ ȱǰȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǯȱ ǰȱ¢Ȃȱȱȱ on the cover of the £ȱ ¢ȱ ǰ a newspaper so small, the ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǰȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȂȱȱ ǯȱŘȱȱȱ¡ȱȱǯȱŗŖȱȱȱŝǰȱŜǰȱśǰȱŚǰȱřǰȱ ŘǰȱŗǯȱȂȱǯȱȂȱȱǯȱŗŖȱȱȱȱŘǰȱȱȱ surface of the man on the picnic, cross layers of the skin, tiny blood vessels, an outer layer of cells, a capillary containing red blood cells, then into nucleus of the man, holding the heredity of the man, the ŗŚř ȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱŚȱĴǰȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ Śȱ ǯȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ŗŖȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ŗŖǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱǯȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱęȱȱǰȱȱ ȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȂȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȬ ¢ǯȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱŗŖȱ ȱȱŚŖȱ ǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ that keep the street, the grass, the tire, the bumper, the metal, the ǰȱȱǰȱǰȱȱȱǯȱ ŗŚŚ ѕђȱюѡќџѠȱ юѣђȱѢџћђёȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȂȱȱȱȱȱȱĚȱ¢Ȭȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȱȂȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱęȱȱȱ ȱǯȱȱ ȱĚȱȱȱȬȱ ǯȱȱȬ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱĚȱ¢ǯȱȂȱ ȱȱǯȱ¢ ǰȱ ǯȱ¢ ǰȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ Delta, because my open palm moving toward a friend after a shot ȱȱȱȱǯ We’re in the middle of the boat in the middle of the river, driven by Leila, a naturalist, who tells us the gators have been turning up Ȭȱ¢ǯ ȃǵȄȱȱǯ ȃȱ ¡¢ǰȄȱ ȱ ¢ǰȱ Ĵȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȃǯȱ ¢Ȃȱȱȱ ǯȄ ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȂȱȱȱȱȱȬ sons for this are unknowable but, of course, each creature’s survival ȱȱȱȱȱȱDZȱęǯȱȱ¢ȱȱǰȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ǯȱ ¢Ȭ ęȱȱȱȱȱȂȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȃȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȬ ȱǰȄȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǰȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȱȃȂȱȱȱȱȯȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȱ ȱȱȂȱ¢ǰȱȱȱ ǯȄ ȱȱȱȱȱ ǯ ȃȱ ȱȱ¢ȱ£ȱ ȱ¢ȂȱǰȄȱȱ ȱȂȱǰȱ ȱǰȱȱȱȱĴǯȱ Ú I read and reread and read and hold and reread Susan Sontag’s IllȬ ness as Metaphor because I hope it means that you can cope with illness through the use of metaphors, or metaphors can teach you ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱĴȱǯȱ Ú ŗŚś ȱ ȱȱ¢ ȱ ¢ȱĴǰȱ ȱȱŘDZŘŖȱȱŘDZřŖȱǯǯǰȱ ¢ȱǯȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱǯ Ú ȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȂȱǰȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱǯȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǰȱ¢ȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ǯȱ ȃ ¢ǵȄȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ęȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ Ȃȱǯȱ Leila drives the boat in boots unreasonably large and hot for ȱȱȂȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǰȱ¢ȱȬǰȱȱ ȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȂȱȱȱȱȱȱȂȱȱǯ ȃȱ¢ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȄȱȱ ¢ǯȱȃȱ¢ȱȱǵȄȱȱǰȱȱȂȱ ȱȱȱ ǯȱȱ steers us past her house, which is deep in the swamp and only acȬ ȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ ǰȱȱȱȬ Ĵȱǯȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ all the routes around and through it that have ever been walked until the entire structure looks to me like a planet with hundreds of ȱǯȱȱ ȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱ ȱǯȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ǯȱ ȱȱ¢ǵȱȱ ȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱȱȂȱǯȱ ¢ȱ¢ȱǰȱȱȱȱęȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱDZȱ ȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱ¢ǵ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱęȱǯȱ ȱȱȱǯȱ The cicadas and motors and thick, thick grind make it too loud ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ǰȱ Ȃȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ Ȃȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱ¢ȱȂȱȱȱȱȱǯ Delta light falls on the woman’s curled hands, bony, the green ȱȱȱǰȱ ¢ȱ¢ȱȱȱěȱDzȱȱ hands holding colored pencils, as a child presents a drawing of a face and says, ǰȱȱȂȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǰ and the mothȬ ǰȱȱȱȂȱȱǰȱȱęȱȱ£ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱǯȱ ǰ she says, ȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ ȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱęȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ŗŚŜ ȱ ȱǰȱȱȱǰȱǰȱ ǰȱȱȱȯȱȱ¢ȱ face around the crossǯȱ I am young and spend hours in the afternoons drawing reams ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱȬǰȱǰȱȱ¢ȱȱ£ȱȱȱǯȱȬ ȱ Ĵȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ǰȱ Ȭ ȱǯȱȱ¢ȱȱǯȱ ȱĚȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǯ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ¢ȱęǰȱȱ¢ǯȱ ǰȱȱ¢ǰȱǯȱȱȂȱȱǯȱȱȂȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱ faceǯ ȱ ǰ she says, ¢Ȃȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȬ ǯȱWe’ll erase the lines when we’re done. ȱ¢ȱ ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ arc the brow and crest the crown, intersections, vivisections, the ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱę¡ȱȱǰȱȱǰȱȱ ǯȱǯȱǯȱȱȱȱȱǯ Ú ȱȱȱȱǯȱǯȱ ǯȱ Ú I checked out Illness as Metaphor from the University of Alabama’s ¢ǯȱȱȱ ȱȱȱŗşŝŞDzȱȂȱǰȱ¢ ǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȂȱǯȱȱȱȱǰȱǰȱ ȱ ¢ȱĴȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ǰȱ ȃȱȱȱȱǯȱǯȱǯȱȁȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱǻȱ¢Ǽȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱ ȱ¢ȱěȱǯȱǯȱǯȱȱǯȱǯȱǯȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ¡ȱǯȂȄȱ¡ȱȱ ȱȱ ǰȱȱȱȱȱ ĴDZȱȃȱ ȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȁȂȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱ ǯȄ Ȃȱ ¢ȱ ȱ DZȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ŗşǰȱŘŖǰȱȂȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱśȱȬ shirt, she’s got her legs tucked beneath her on a library chair, she’s alone, the nylon of the chair is cool, her phone has missed calls, her ȱȱȱ¢ȱ¢ǯȱ ȱ ȱDZȱȃ¢ȱȱ¢ȱȱȁȂȱ ǰȱȱȱǽȱ ǾǯȄ ŗŚŝ ¢ȱǯ Ú Ú I’m inventing a memory of her two curved hands coming together ȱȱȱȱǯȱ Ú ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ǯ Ú ¢ȱǯ Ú ¢ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱ Ú It’s more accurate to say, like the thesis of an undergraduate paper ȱǰȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȂȱ ȱ¢ȱ ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱěȱȱȱȱȱȬ ǯȱ ǰȱ ǰȱ ǰȱ ǰȱ ǰȱ Ěǰȱ ǰȱǰȱǯȱȱȱȱǯȱ Maybe it is most accurate to say her central pursuit for two ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱěȱ¢ǯȱ Ú We should throw carnivals in honor of people who work that hard ȱȱȱ¢ǰȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱȱ ǯȱȂȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱ ȱȱǯȱȱȂȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ ¢ȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȂȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ Ú Dear Marginal Author, ȱDZȱȱȱȱDZȱ Ú ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱ ȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȃȱȱȬ ŗŚŞ ȱȱ¢ȱȱǰȄȱȱ¢ǯȱȂȱȱ¢ȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱǰȱȱȱ¢ȱȱǯ Ú Dogs howled from the highways through the night as we drove from California through Mississippi to Alabama, the August heat ȱȱȱǯ Ú ȱȱ¢ȱ¢ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǰȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱĴȱȱȱȱȱȱ on the boat, in the car, in the weeks before I moved, and give them ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱę¢ǰȱę¢ȱ ǯȱȱȱȱęȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ Tuscaloosa, and the way I can’t love Tuscaloosa as consistently as I want to because I leave all the time now; I drive from Tuscaloosa to ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¡ȱȱǰȱȱěȱ that plane, wait, pace, cry into a refrigerated airport sandwich, get ȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǰȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ǯ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ĵȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ clasped hands and walked into the river until every singing mouth ȱ ǯȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ in her aluminum bed that yes, I hear the river sing from Mississippi ȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ£ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ the only way she can respond to anything — with her own humȬ ǯȱ¢ȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȂȱȱȱȂȱ singing and the Indians in the river, singing, and history and my home in Tuscaloosa and all the things that hum for me all vibratȬ ing at once against the same threads, wrecking each other with the ȱ££ȱȱǯȱ Ú ȱȱȂȱȱǯȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ¢ǰȱ Ȭ ǯ Ú ŗŚş Ȃȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ¢ȱ ȱǯȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ¢ȱ ȱ ǵȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ ȱdying ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱęȱȱ ¢ǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ Ȭ¢ȱ stare, the heartbreak of concentration, how hard it is to identify a picture of a face when someone says faceǯȱ Ú Ȃȱ ȱ ȱǯȱ Ú ȂȱȱȱȱȱȬ¢ȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱ ¢ȱȱ ȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȃȱ¢ǰȱȱǰȄȱȱȃĴ ǯȄȱȱ ȱȱĴȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȃ ȱĴǰȄȱȱȱȱȬ ǰȱȱDZȱȃǯȄȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȬ ǯȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ and buzz, to water and bugs and the almost unbearable stickiness ȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ¢ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱǯ Ú The cross reveals that the corners of the eyes are on the same axis ȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ¢ȱȱǯȱ¢ȱȱęȱ ǰȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ is darker than the iris, though the iris should also be shaded, and if you look closely, there are subtle veins across the surface of the ¢ǯȱ ȱ ȱȱǯ ȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱ ȱǯȱ I was afraid the lines would always be there, even if they were ¢ȱǯȱȱȱ ȱ ¢ȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱǰȱ ǯȱ Ú ¢ȱȬȱȱȂȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ 150 ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ǰȱ ȃ ¢ǰȱ ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȄ ȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱěȬ¢ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱ£Ȭ able in and of themselves, but somehow each tone follows the other in a familiar way, like she remembers small chord progressions but not the progressions between progressions that make up larger ǯȱ ȬȬǰȱ ȬȬȬȬǰ she says into the phone, the third naȱȱȱęȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱęȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱǯ ȃȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ǵȄȱ ¢ȱ Ȭȱ ¢ǯȱ ȃȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ¢ȱȱǰȱ¢ǰȱ ȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱ ǵȄȱ ȃǰȄȱȱ¢ǯ ȃǯȄ ȃǰȄȱȱ¢ǯȱȃȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȬ ǯȄ ȃǰȄȱȱ¢ǯȱȱǯȱȃȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǰȄȱȱȱǯȱȱȂȱȱ¢ȱȱȱęȱȱ ¢ȱǯȱ ȱ¢ǰȱȃȂȱ ȱȱȱǯȄ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ ¢ǯȱȱǯȱ ȃNa na naaa na.Ȅ ȃȱ ȱȱ ȱ ȱ¢ȂȱȱǵȄȱ I’ve studied her face, asleep, awake, focused, lost, the angle of her arm, the cinch of her waist, the line between creases in her eyeȬ ȱ ȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȃȬȬȬǰȄȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱǰȱȃna.Ȅȱ ȃȱȱǰȱ ǵȄȱȱȱǯȱȃǰȄȱȱ¢ǰȱȃȱ ȱȱ ȱ ȱ¢ȱȱǯȄȱ Ú Ȃȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱęȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ęȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱ¢ǵ I want to ask the nurses taking care of her, the ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȭ Ȭ¢ǰȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱHow much are ¢ȱǵȱ¢ȱ ǵȱȱ ȱǵ We were counseled by hospice workers and grief counselors 151 for months, we were promised by multiple neurosurgeons that she ȱȱȱȱȱȬȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱǰȱ¢ȱǯȱȂȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȱ ȱ ȱȂǯȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȱ ǰȱȱǯȱ Ú Resistsȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ Ȃȱ Ě¢ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ DZȱĴǰȱęǰȱ Ȭ ǯȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱĚȱǰȱȱ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱǯ Ú And so the music is the sound of gators spinning in the delta, the ȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱ¢ǯ Ú ȱęȱȱ¢ǯ Ú ȱĴǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱĚǰȱ ȱȱ and low for her, the tiny bones of her body now risen from her skin, ȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢£ȱȱ ȱȱ¢ ǯȱȂȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǯ Ú At night, delta bats dive over the water for bugs and echolocate the distances between each other to learn the angle their mothers are ǯȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȱ The bats are delivering frequencies from their hearts into the wild ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȬǰȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȂȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȂȱǯȱȂȱȱȱȬ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǯ Ú ȱǰȱȱǰȱȱǰȱȱǰȱȱ Peanut Shells, Dear Gems, Dear Teachers, Dear Postmistresses, ȱȱǰȱȱǰȱȱ ¢ǰȱȱȬ ǰȱȱDZȱȱȱ¢ǵȱȱ ȱǵ 152 Ú Dear Marginal Author — ȱ ȱ ȱ ǵȱ ȱ ȱ Ĵȱ ȱ ȱ Ȃȱ ȱ ȱ ¢Ȭ more? Ú Leila says a gator will pound its head or bite the edge of the waȬ ȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȂȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȂȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȂȱȱǯȱ¢ȱȬȱȱȱȬ ȱȱȱȱ Ȭȱȱǯȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱęȱ ǯȱȱȱȱȱǯ Ú ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱĴǯ Ú ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ Ȃȱȱȱ ǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȬ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱ every bartender’s name, and they handed me the drink I like when ȱ ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¡ȱ ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱ¡ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȱ ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱĴȱ of a guy a few stools over, then talked about a poet or music or something innocuous, and when she leaned toward me for a hug, ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱǯȱAnythingǯȱ Ú Who are you out there, alone? Who are you without knowing who you are to someone else? Ú Sometimes I’m afraid I hear her calling me but I’m so far away, it ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȂȱȱȱ ¢ǯȱȱ ǯ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȂȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ 153 ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱǯȱȱ Ȃȱ run my hand over the kitchen cupboards, I won’t run my hand over ¢ȱȂȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȂȱǯȱǰȱȬ ȱȂȱ ǰȱȂȱȱȱȱ¢DZ ȃȂȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǰȄȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȱǰȱȱ narrow channel breaks into skinny streams and mangrove branchȬ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱĴȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱ ȱĚ ȱ ȱȱĚȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱĴȱȱ ȱ ȱĚǯȱȂȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱȱǰȱȬ ¢ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱ ȱǰȱǯȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱęȱ ȱȱȱȬ¢ȱȱ ȱȱ ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ and look like stones, but quickly we can see that there are dozens of ǰȱȱȱ ȱȱ££ȱȱȱȱǯȱ ǰȱȱ ȱȱȱǰȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱȬ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ¢ȱ ęǰȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱęȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱěǰȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ¢Ȭ ing to get into the boat, they are turning and they want something from us, and one particularly hard pound on the left back side of ȱȱȱȱȱȱĚǰȱȱȱȱǯȱ¢ȱȱ ȱǰȱ¢ȱȬȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱ Ȃȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȬ ǰȱǰȱĚȱȱ ȱ ȱȂȱȱȱȱ back and the driver’s seat, and use the steering wheel to pull myself ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱȱĴȱȱ¢ȱȱǯȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȃ ȱǷȄȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱĴȱ ǯȱȱ ȱȂȱǰȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱ quick turn or wrong kind of acceleration will throw us all into the ǰȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢£ȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱĴȱȱ¢ȱȂȱǰȱȱȱȂȱȱ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ Ȭȱ ȱ ȱ ŗśŚ ǰȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱĴǯȱȱȱ ǯȱȱĴȱ ȱȱȱȱĴȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȱȱȱȬ ǰȱȱȱȱĴȱ ǰȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȬ ǯȱ ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ Ú When, or if, I can quell the grief, I open to a new and surprising ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȃȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢Ȃȱ slapped a dear, sweet friend in the face because you didn’t know ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ ¢ǯȱ Ú Dear Marginal Author — ȱȂȱȱ¢ǯȱ Ȃȱ¢ǯȱ Ȃȱȱǰȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱ ǯȱ ȱȱ¢ȱǯ Ú ǰȱȱȱǰȱǰȱ¢ǰȱȱȱǰȱȂȱȱȱȱȱ in the middle of a boat in the middle of the river in the middle of the night, desperate to be told, ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢ǰȱandȱȱȱ ¢ȱǰȱȱǯ 155 ђћѡџіљќўѢђћѐѕђёǰȱќџȱђѠѠіќћѠȱџќњȱѡѕђȱ Ѣњњіѡ Aylen Rounds ȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ¢DZȱ Ȋȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ¢ǰȱȱ¢DZȱ¢ȱȱȬ ȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱęȱ¢ȱȱȱ ǵȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǵȱ Ȋȱ Ĵ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ£ȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱ¢ȱȱ¢ȱ trouble being inside of anyone recently? I noticed from your intake form that you’re having some trouble ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ǰȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ řřȱȱȱȱȱŗǯřȱǯȱȱ ǰȱ ȱȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ řǯřȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ cup of sweet tea ever made was 912 gallons in a glass that meaȬ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ¢ǰȱȱǰȱ ȱ Ȃǵȱȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱ Ȃȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱ ȱǯȱ American scientists say that drinking semen will lower your blood ǯȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱǯȱȱȱ me, do you drink alcohol, and if yes, how often, and let’s talk about ¢ȱ¢ǯȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱęȱǰȱ ȱ ęȱ ȱ¢£ȱ¢ȱǵ Ú ȱęǰȱ¢ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱęȱ ȱȱȱĜȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱ ǵȱ DZȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ DZȱ ¢ȱ cousin grew up to design a website dedicated to drinking cold soȬ ȱȱȱ ǯȱǰȱǰȱ ȱǯȱǯȱDZȱȱȂȱȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ Ȃȱ Ĵȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ 156 in therapy, though, enables individuals to express thoughts they ȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱĴȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱǯȱ ǰȱȱ ȱ ¢ȱȱ ȱ¢Ȃȱ ȱȱǯȱȱ¢ȱ ȱ¢ǰȱ¢Ȃȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȱȱȱǰȱȱ¢ǰȱ ǰȱ¢ȱ ǰȱȂȱȱȱȱ ȱĴȱ¡ȱ¢ǯȱȱȱȱȂȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱǯ Ú ¢ǰȱȱ¢ȱȂȱȱ ȱ ¢ȱȱǯȱȂȱĴȱȱ ȱȱ ǰȱȱȱǵȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȂȱȬ ȱȱȃȱȱĴȱȄȱȱȱȱȱȬ ing the other mama and the two respective papas; she’s become the poster girl for the lamest death of all time, which, it turns out, isn’t ȱǯȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȯȱȱȱ bystander, if you will, in the wrong place at the wrong time — of ȱȬȬȬȱȱĴǯȱȱȱĴȂȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǰȱǰȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ Ȃȱ¢ȱ say? ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱĵȱȱęȱȱȱĜǯȱȱ ȱ only a secret service Heimlich maneuver that kept him in the White ǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ǯȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ of them, forming new ranges inside the boundaries of Chile, Iraq, ǰȱǰȱǰȱȱǰȱǰȱ ǰȱȬ ǰȱ£ǰȱǰȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǰȱȱȱȱǯ Ú What I’m hearing you say, and tell me if this is wrong, because I don’t want to put words in your mouth, but what I’m hearing you say is that you spend a lot of time thinking about mountain passes, ȱ¢Ȃȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ¢ȱ¢ȱȱȱǵȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǰȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱ 157 ȱȱȂȱ¢ǯȱȱȂȱȱ¢ȱ ȱ ȱǰȱȱȂȱ a hell of a way to go — staring into the bright lights of the future ȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȂȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱęȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱ¢Ȭ way, I also wasn’t sure I wanted to watch that glorious vista coloȬ £ȱ¢ȱ Ȭȱǯȱ Ú If shadow puppets held an election among themselves, I wonder ȱȱȱ ǯȱȱ¢ȱȱ¢ȱǵȱȂȱȱȂȱ ǰȱǯȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǰȱȱȂȱȬ ȱ Ȃȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǵȱ ȱ beverages aren’t as popular in the summertime, even though it’s ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢ǰȱǰȱȂȱȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱ ȱȱěȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ ȱęȱȱěȱȱȱǰȱǯ ȱȱȱ ¢ǯȱ ȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȬ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ ǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱěȱȱǰȱěȱ without cream, tea without sugar, Coke with lime, and, when we think no one is watching, to press our lips straight to the taps of our lovers with the faucets at full blast — like garden hoses in midsumȬ ǯȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ Ȃȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱęȱȱȱęȱǯ Ú ȱ ȱȱǰȱȱ ȱ ȱ¡ǯȱȱȱ whatever’s on tap means a person has surrendered their right to ǯȱ ǰȱȂȱȱȱ ȱȂȱǯȱȱȱȬ ȱ¢ȱǵȱ ȱȱȱ ȱęȱȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȭȱ ȱ ȱ Ȃȱ ȱ ȱ ěǯȱ ȱ ǰȱȱȂȱ ǰȱȂȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ¡ȱę¢ȱ¢ǰȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱ relaxed me because there’s only one type of ketchup — you either ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȂǯ 158 Still, if somebody were to come along and say, all right, this is America, and we’re all going to slather on the same brand of butȬ ȱȱ ȱǰȱ ǰȱȂȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȱȱȱȬ odorant or ketchup, what I like most is being able to choose not to choose, having that be myȱǯȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱǰȱȱ all I’m going to want is choices, hundreds of them, thousands of ǰȱęȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ Ú You called your father from a place called Ing once, and he said, wait, where did you say you are? I don’t think I heard it right; there’s ȱȱȱȱȱȱȂȱȱǯȱ ȱ ȱȱȱ¢ǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȂȱȱ¢ȱȱęȱǰȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ¢ ¢ǰȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱǰȱȱ¢ȱȱĚȱȱȱȱ sudden realization that the world extends beyond even the best carȬ ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱ ȱ¡ǯ Ȃȱ ȱ ȱ Ȭȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ęȱ ǰȱ ¢ȱǯȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȂȱĴȱ ȱ¢ȱDzȱȱ¢ȱ ȱĚȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ¢ȱ ǯ Ú Have you ever had inappropriate thoughts about children or aniȬ mals? My doctor prescribed me medication to keep the dolls from ȱȱȱ ȱȂȱǯȱȱ ǰȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ frost, and I’m not sure I ever have appropriate thoughts about anyȬ ǯ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱęȱȱȱŗşŜŖǰȱ ȱȂȱȱȱȱǯȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢Ȭ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȂȱȬ ȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱĚȬȱ ĜȱȱȱȱȱȱȱĴ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱǯ 159 Ú You know, many people hear voices — inside their heads — some ȱȱȱǯȱȂȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱ It can be a frightening experience, certainly, but nothing we necȬ ¢ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱneed to panic about anyȬ thing? Do we ever need to feel any feelings, or are they always an optional part of the package? ȱȂȱ ǰȱ¢ǯȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱǰȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȱȱȱȬ ally almost all below seeing level, and what our eyes do capture ȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ¢DzȱȱĴǰȱȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ Ȃȱ ¢ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ǰȱ ȱ ǰȱȱȱDzȱȱĴȂȱǰȱȱĴ¢ǰȱȱȬ ȱ¢ǰȱȱǰȱȱȯȱ¢ȱǰȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ǯȱȱȱ ȱȱěȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǯ Ú ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱȱ¡Ȭȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȬ ǰȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ Ȃȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱŘŖŖşǯȱ Some say that Warren Harding died after being poisoned by his ȱȱŗşŘřǯȱǰȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱęȱ ȱȱǯȱȱ¢ȱȱǵȱȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢ǯ Ú ȱȱęȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ Ȃȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ¢ǰȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ĵȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȃȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ǰȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ lightbulb, and that the 1950s were the happiest times — rememberȬ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ǯȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ǯȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ ȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱ Ĵǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱ 160 ќљђѠȱіћȱѡѕђȱјѦȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Jennifer Sinor ȱȱȱĴȱȱ¢ȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȂěȱȱȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ¢ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ĵǰȱ ȱ ȱȱȱ ȬȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȂȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱĴȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȬȱȱ ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱǰȱ ȱ¢ȱĴȱȱȱ ¢ǯȱȱȱęȱ day we sat together, the tulips in my front yard an army of color, she ǰȱȃȱȱȱǯȄȱ In my confusion, I asked her if she meant a particular word, ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȃȱȱ ȱȂȱ¡Ȭ ȱ¢ȱǰȱȱȱȂȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȄȱ ȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱǯȱǰȱȱ ǰȱȱȱ¢¡ǰȱǰȱȱĴǯȱȃȱǰȄȱȱȱǰȱ ȃȱȱȱȱęȱȱȱǯȄȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱǯ Ȃěȱȱȱǰȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǰȱ¢ȱ¢ȱȱěȱȱǰȱȱȱĴȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱǰȱĴȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ Ěȱȱ¢ȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȱȱȱęǰȱ ȱȱȱ ǰȱ ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ ǰȱĴȱȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ĵǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱȱǰȱȱ ȱǰȱȱȱ¢ȱȂȱȱȱ ǰȱȱ ¢Ȭ¡ǰȱȱ ȱ¢ȱ¢ȱȱȂěȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱǰȱǰȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȃȱȱ ȱ¢ǰȄȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱ ȱęȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱǯȱȃǰȄȱȱǰȱȃȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȄ ȱ ǰȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ¢ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȃȂȱ ęǰȱ ęǰȄȱ Ȃěȱ ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ¡ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱǯ ȱ ȃȂȱ ęǰȄȱ Ȃěȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱǯȱȱ¢Ȭǰȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ ǰȱ¢ȱȱȱȱęǯ 161 ȱ¢ȱęȱǰȱǰȱ ȱǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱĚȱȱȱ¢ǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ǯȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱȱ ȱ Ě¢ǰȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯ ȱ ȱȱȱȱ ǰȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱ same pose in my belly, bent knees, churning legs, only he was swimȬ ȱȱȱĚ¢ǰȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱęǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ listened for the approach of a car or the bark of a dog let loose on its morning business, I imagined he ran to the shush of waves, an ebb ȱĚ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ¢ȱǯȱ Ú ȱȱȂěȱȱǯȱȃ ȱǰȱȱ¢ȱǰȱȱ ȱ ǵȄȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ǯȱ Ȃěȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ¢ȱ knows of her as the old woman whose body is failing, whose downȬ ward slide has my husband, Michael, and I huddled during parts of ȱ¢ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱĚ¢ȱǯȱȱȱ out the one window in my study, a basement window that frames ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ¢ǰȱǰȱ¢ȱǰȱȱ¢ǯ ȱȱȱǰȱǰȱ ȱȱěȱȱȱȬ spective as her painting The Lawrence Tree, where the viewer looks ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȂěȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ about that work — as with so many of her paintings — is that our ȱȱȱǰȱȱ ǰȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǵȱȱȱǵȱȱȱǵȱȱȱ ȱĚȱȱȱ like one of her skulls, hovering in a kind of ecstasy? ȱ ȱȱ¡ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ¡ǰȱ ȱȱ ȱǰȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱęȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ¢ȱ Ȃȱ ȱ ȱ Ȃěȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ Ȃȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ Ȭ ǯȱ Ȃȱ ȱ Ȃěȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ actual landscape — the contours, the planes — and then abstracted ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ The Lawrence Tree we have a record of what it meant for her to look up into those 162 ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯ I ponder the green leaves of the cherry tree outside the winȬ ȱȱ¢ȱ¢ǯȱȱȂěȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱǯ ȃȱȱ¢ȱǵȄȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱ¡ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȂěȱ ȱǰȱȱȱȱęȱȱȱ¢ȱĵȱȬ ȱȱȱȱȱȂȱ¢ǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱĴȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯ ȃȱ ǯȄ Ú ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ĴȬȱ ȱ Ȭ ȱ ȱ¢ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ¢ȱęȱ ȱȱ¢ȱǰȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱǰȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱěȱȱȱȱȱȱĚǯȱȱ ¢ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯ Ú ȱ ȱȱȱ¡ǰȱȱȱȱȱȂěȱ ȱȱȱȱ made her way from her birthplace in Sun Prairie, Wisconsin, to the ȱȱǯȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱ¢ǰȱȱȱǯȱ ȱ ȱȱĵȱȱŗşŗŜǰȱ ȱ¢ȱȱ¢ȱȱȬ ǰȱȃȱȱȯȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȯȱȱȱ ȱ to breathe so deep that I’ll break — There is so much of it — I want ȱȱȱȱȱȱȯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȯȱȱȱȱȱȱȯȱǯȄȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ěȱ Ȃěȱ ȱȱǯȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱ ȱȂěȱ ȱȱ ȱǰȱǯȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱ ȱ¢ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱĚ ǰȱ ȱ¢ǯȱȱȱȱȱȂěȱȱȱȃȱȱȄȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȯȱ ȱęǰȱĴȱǰȱȱȬ logic formations — are reminiscent of the open windows in nineȬ Ȭ¢ȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ¡ȱǯȱȱȱ 163 sculpture, the window simultaneously shapes the emptiness and ȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȂěȂȱ ǰȱȱǰȱ ȱȱǯȱȱ ȱǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱ ȱ ȱ both beautiful and sad, terrifying and sublime, a space so complex, ȱǰȱȱǰȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱǯ Ú ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǰȱĴȱȱȱȱ Ȭ ȱȱȱǯȱ¡ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱĚȱ ȱǯȱ ȱ ȱȱȱ from the car seat where Michael had hurriedly strapped him down, ¢ȱȱ¢ȱȱȂȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȱȬ ȱȱĚȱȱȱȱǯ Ú ȱȱ¢ǰȱȂěȱ ǰȱȃȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȬ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ¢ȱȬ ǯȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱęȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ǯȄȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȂěȂȱ ǯȱ ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȂěȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱǯȱ ȱǯȱȱǯȱȂȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ǰȱǰȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ elements of the real and elements of the abstract — both the near ȱȱ ¢ȱȯȱȱȱęȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱ Ú ȃȱȱȱǵȄȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȂȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ¢ȱȱǯ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȃěȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱȱȱȱǰȱǯ ȱȱȂȱǰȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȂȱ ŗŜŚ ǰȱ¢ǰȱȱȱ¢ǯ ȃȱȱǰȄȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱǯ ȃ ȱȱ¢ȱ ǵȄȱȱǰȱȱǯ ¢ȱȱȱȱȂȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȂǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯ ȃȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ǰȃȱ ¢ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Kay on the couch in her living room, surrounded by the antiques she and her late husband had collected over the years, strong, solid ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱ how her shoulders would shake quietly as she held the phone, the ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȬ strained sadness, gathered and collected in the same way she had ȱȱǯ When Michael’s father died, we stood in the hospital room, ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱ£ȱȱȱęȱǯȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǰȱȱĚ ȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ we arrived, his father breathed in long gasps, sometimes going ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱǰȱȱȱ¢ȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȱȱȱ ȱǰȱ¢ǰȱǰȱ¢ǰȱȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱ ȱ ȱȱȱęȱȱȱȱĴȱȱ¢Ȃȱǯȱȱ ¢ȱǰȱȱǰȱȱǯ ȃȱ¢ǰȄȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȬ ¢ȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ ȱǰȱ¢ȱȱ ȱ ȱȱǯȱȃȱȱȱȱǯȄ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱǯȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱǯ Ú ȱ ȱ¢ȱŜǯȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱ¢ǯȱ ǰȱ ȱ Ěȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ǰȱ ȱ ȱ Ěȱ ȱ ęȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱęȱȱȱȱ ǯ Ú 165 We are standing at the mouth of Green Canyon, about a mile ȱ ¢ȱ ǯȱ Ȃěȱ Ȃȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ¢ǰȱ ȱ ȱ convinced her that days like today — May afternoons where the sky is charged with blue and snow still caps the mountains surȬ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȯȱȱȱ ǯȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ Ĵȱ ȱ ȱ Ȃěȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ She loves the natural world, draws her inspiration from it, claimed in her later years that the country around her home in Ghost Ranch, in particular the Pedernal, a geologic formation that appears in so ¢ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱȬ ȱȱǰȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱǯȱǰȱȱȱ this afternoon is not from her desire to be inside rather than out, ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱŗşřŚǰȱȃȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȯȱ¢ȱěȱȯȱȱȱȱȱȱȯȱȬ ing it seems — more and more toward aloneness — not because I ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ¢ǯȄȱȱȂȱ like to be around people, especially strangers, and when electricity ȱȱȱȱȱȂěȱ¢ǰȱȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȂěȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ ¢ǰȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ we both keep our eyes trained on the canyon walls, the sky, the ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȃȂȱǯȄ We stand, in the middle of the day, in the middle of the week, in the middle of a canyon that was birthed millions of years ago by a ȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ǰȱ ȱȱǯȱȱȂȱȱ ȱ¡ǰȱȱȂȱȱȱȬ ȱȱǯȱȱǰȱȱ¢ǯ ȃȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱǵȄȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȬȱǯȱȃȱ ȱ¢ȱǵȄ Ú ȱǰȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ Ĵȱ ȱ ǯȱ¢ȱ ȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ¢ȱǰȱȱȱȱȂȱȱȱ rubbed the thin skin, conscious of how so often we restrict touch to ¢ȱȱȱȱȱęǯȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ 166 ȱĚȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱĚȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱĴȱȱ¢ȱǯ Ú The snow crunches beneath my running shoes, January light ȱȱĴǯȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱȱ my run, my mind is empty of thought, though my feet register the ȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱǯ Ú ȱȂȱȱǰȱǰȱȱȱȬ Ȭȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ ǰȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱęȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ¢ȱȱȬ ȱǯȱȂȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ is much more horrifying than any image Satrapi might have drawn, ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱęȱȱȱ ȱȱǯ Ú Ȃěȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȃȱȱȱȯȱȱ ȱȱǰȄȱȱ ȱĵǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ ȱ ȱ ȱ ęȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ she had been struggling in South Carolina to give birth to her own ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ǰȱ ¡ǰȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱ£ȱǯȱ ȱǰȱȱȬ ĵǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ĵȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ǯȱ ȱǰȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱDZȱȃȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȄȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ęǯȱ ȱȱȱȯȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȬǯȱ ȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȂěȱȱȱȱȱȱ Kandinsky’s book Concerning the Spiritual in Art. Her work realized ¢Ȃȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȃȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱĴȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȂȱȱǯȄȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ 167 ȱęȱȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱ ȱǰȱȃȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȄ Ú Ȃěȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǰȱ ȱ ȱȱ over her work when visitors arrive, so I guess I should not be surȬ prised that she won’t tell me now what she sees in the canyon walls ȱǯȱȱǰȱȱȂȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ ǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱDzȱ ȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱ ȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱ ȱ¡ȱȱȱ ǯ ȃȂȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȄȱȱȱǯȱȃȱȱȱȱȬ ȱȂȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȱȱȬ ȱǰȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱǰȱȱǯȄ ȃ¡ȱ ȱȱȱǰȄȱȱ¢ǯȱȃȱȱ¢ȱȱȬ ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ǯȄȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱęǰȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱ ȃȱ ȱȱȱ ǰȄȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱŗşřşǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱǰȱȱȂȱǯȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ how you can see an entire train churn up the valley, the oceanic ǯȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȂȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱ ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱǯȱȃȱ¢ȱȱȬ ǰȄȱȱ¢ǰȱ ǰȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱǯ ȃȱ¢ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱǵȄȱȱǰȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱǯȱȃȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ¢ǯȄ Ú ȱȱȱĚ ǰȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ǯ Ú I am shaking when I call my parents, the momentary warmth ȱȱȱ ȱǰȱȱȱȱȬȱȱ¢ȱǯȱ ȃȂȱ¢ǰȄȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȃȱ ȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǰȄȱȱ¢ǰȱȃȱȂȱęǯȱȱ 168 ȱǯȱȂȱęǯȄ Ȃěȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȬ ȱǰȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱǯȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱǰȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ǰȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ Ȭ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ£ǰȱǰȱȱȱȬ ȱ ȱǯ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢Ȭ¢Ȭȱǰȱ ȱȬ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȬ ȱ ȱȱǯȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ ǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱęȱǰȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ¢ǯȱ Ú ȱȱǰȱǰȱȱȯȱǰȱęǰȱȱȱȱȱ turn, when all that aches is my head and my pride, sprawled in the middle of the road, snow seeping into my running tights, ice caught in the bands of both gloves — and then the actual moment ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ come, because something tugs at my heart to do so, or at my gut, or maybe it’s a voice I hear, quiet but insistent that tells me I do not have the road to myself, or maybe, yes, maybe it’s the vibrations of ȱȱȱ Ȭȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱĚǰȱĴȱȱǰȱ then spine, then inner ear, so that I turn and see how thin the line is ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱǯȱ A van the color of snow bears down on me, already so close I cannot see above the headlights — they are on, white and open in fright — and the tires, spinning black, the world reduced to grill and rubber and the sound of the future swerving out of control down the hill, sliding this way and that, weaving back and forth, ȱ ȱ ȱȱęǰȱǰȱȱȱȱǯȱ Like the animal that I am, I claw, four paws, toward the edge of the road, knowing I will not make it, thinking only that I must try ȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱěȱȱȱ¢ȱĚȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ head, which means I am no longer facing the monster but trained on the pile of plowed snow that rises steeply like a canyon wall alit ȱȱǯȱǰȱǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ 169 ȱȱǯȱ ȱęȱ¢ȱ¢ȱȱǯȱ ǰȱǰȱȱȱȱ ĴȱǯȱȱȱǰȱĚȱȱǰȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ¢ȱĴǰȱ ȱȱ¢ȱǰȱȱĚȱȱęȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱǯ Ú Ȃěȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȱȱȱȬ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱŗşśŖǰȱȱ ǰȱȃȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱ ȱǰȄȱȱ ȱȱǯȱȱ Ȃȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱǰȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ ǰȱ ȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱęȱǯȱȱȱ ȱ Ȭ£ȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ ęȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱǯ ȃȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱǰȄȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȱ Ȭ ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱęȱ ȱȱǰȱȱȱȬ ǯȱȃȱȱȱȱ ǰȄȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǯ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱǯȱȱȱ ǰȱȱȱȱȱěȬ ǰȱȱ ǰȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱǯȱȱ are about twenty yards from the beach, both of us swimming easȬ ¢ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȃȱ ǯȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ Ȃěȱ Ěȱ ȱȱȱȱǰȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱęȱ ȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȂȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱĴǯȱ The sun casts forests of light all around us as we head for the ǯȱȱę¢ȱ¢ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱȱĚȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱęȱȱ ȱ ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ¢ǯȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱǯ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱǰȱęȱȱȱȱ ǰȱȱĚȱȱȬ¢ ȬȬȱǰȱȱȱȱ ǰȱ¢ȱȱ ǯȱȱȱȱȱĴǰȱȬ ǯȱ ȱȱ ȱȱǯȱȱ¢ȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ 170 sun and the wind of the other world, the one I inhabit, the one with ǯȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯ ȱȱ ȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱĚȱ ȱǰȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱęǯȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱ ȱ the change of pressure, and I wouldn’t stay long before zipping back ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱǰȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȃǯȄȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ǰȱ ȱȱȱȃȄȱȱȱ ȱǯȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ ǰȱȱȱęȱ ȱęȱ ȱȱǰȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯ ȱȱȱǰȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ smile at the idea of water turned to sky, our bodies now birds, and ȱȱȱęȱȱ¢ȱ Ȭ ȱęǯ Suddenly, the trench appears, as it always does, a canyon in the ǯȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱǰȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱ ǰȱȱǰȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱ ¢ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱǰȱȱȱȱ ǰȱǰȱ ȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȱǯȱȱȱĚȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱȱĴȱȱȱ¢ȱǰȱȱȱǯȱ My eyes try to sort through the layers of black, distinguish between ȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱ ȱǰȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȂěǰȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ ǯ ǰȱǰȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǰȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȂěȂȱ ȱ Ě¢ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱ ȱ ǯȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȂěǯ ȱȱȱȱȱęȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱĚȱȱȂěȂȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱęȱȱ against my chest; tiny air bubbles cling to my bare skin and then ǯȱ ȱȱȱȬȱȱǯȱȱȱȂȱǰȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯ Ú 171 ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȬ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȱȱ turtle will drift in the current, poking the reef here and there, padȬ ȱȱĚǯȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ęȱ ȱ Ȭ ǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ Ȃȱ ȱȱȬ leen has died, so our pace will be slow, happy to follow a turtle as ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ ȱȱǯȱ The sky will stretch above us, the sea, below, and someday I will ¢ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȃ¡ȱǰȄȱȱ ǰȱ ĴǰȱȱȂěǰȱȃȱȱ¢ȱ¢ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȄ ќѡђѠDZ ȃȱȱȱǯȄȱĴȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱŗşŝřǯ ȃȱȱ ȱǯȱǯȱǯȱ ȱȱȱǯȄȱĴȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ ŗşŝřǯȱ ȃȱȱǯȱǯȱǯȱǯȱȱǯȄȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȂěǰȱŗŗŝǯ ȱȃȱȱǯȱǯȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȯȱȄȱĴȱȱȱȱȱĵǰȱ ȱŚǰȱŗşŗŜǯ ȃȱȱǯȄȱȱǰȱȱȂěDZȱȱȱ ǰȱŚśǯȱ ȃȱȱȱǯȱǯȱǯȱ¢ȱȱǯȄȱȱȂěȱ¢ȱȱȂěǰȱ ǰȱŗşŝŜǰȱǯȱ ȃȱȱȱȱȱǯȱǯȱǯȱǯȱȱȱ ¢ǯȄȱĴȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱŗşřŚǯȱ ȃȂȱǰȄȱȱȂěȱ¢ȱȱȂěǰȱǰȱŗşŝŜǰȱ ǯȱ ȃȱȱȱȯȱȱȱȱǯȄȱĴȱȱȱȱĵǰȱȬ ¢ȱŗǰȱŗşŗŜǯȱ ȃȱȱȱȱǯȱǯȱǯȱǯȱȱǯȄȱȱĴǰȱȱȱ¢ȱ Kandinsky’s ȱȱȱȱǰȱǯȱ ȃȱȱȱȱȱǯȄȱȱȂěȱ¢ȱȱȂěǰȱ ǰȱŗşŝŜǰȱǯȱ ȃ¡ȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱǯȱǯȱǯȱ¢ȱȱȱ ǯȄȱȱȱȱĴȱ ȱȱȱȱĵǰȱȱŗŗǰȱŗşŗŜǯȱ ȃȱȱȱȱȱȱ ¢ǯȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȄȱPortrait of ǰȱȱǰȱśŗǯȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱ ȃȱȱȱǯȱǯȱǯȱȱ¢ȱǯȄȱȱȂěȱ¢ȱȱȂěǰȱǰȱ ŗşŝŜǰȱǯȱ ȃȱ¡ȱǯȱǯȱǯȱǯȱȱǯȄȱȱȂěȱ¢ȱȱȂěǰȱ ǰȱŗşŝŜǰȱǯȱ 172 ђѥȱќћȱѤќȱѕђђљѠȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ I had been holding my father’s hand for a couple hours when the nursing home’s recreation director stopped in, clipboard at the ¢ǰȱȱȱȱ¢ȂȱDZȱǰȱǰȱǰȱȱ ȬȬǯȱ ȃȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ǵȄȱ ȱ £ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȭȱ ȱȱȱęȱȱȱȱǰȱ ¢ȱȱȱşŖȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱ Though he lay on his back, slightly propped up against the pillows, ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ǰȱ wispy hair like spun cloud, muscles slack and atrophied, watery ¢ȱȱ ȱȱDZȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȬ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢DZȱ ǰȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ Ȭ ȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱ ȱȱȱǯȱ¢ȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱȱDZȱȃȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȄȱ ȱ and his wife of 32 years had managed Dad’s care long before the ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱĜȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȂȱȱ¢ȱǯȱ¢ȱȂȱȱ ȱĴȱȱȱǰȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱ ȱ¡ǯ Ȃȱȱȱ¢Ȃȱ, I had wanted to retort ȱȱȱȯȱȱȱ ȱȱ ǰȱǰȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱ¢ȱ ȱȯȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱ¢ȱǯ When I’d kissed Dad’s brow this morning, his skin felt cool ȱ¢ȱǯȱȱ ȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱȬȱȱȯȱȱ I’d thought to give him baseball scores from the night before, but ȱ ȱȱ¢ȱǰȱ¢ȱȱȱȱĴǰȱȱȱ Ȃȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱĴǯ ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ¢ȱȱ¢Ȭ brow quirk — left one arching playfully upward — as a means of ȱ ȱ ¢Ȃȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ nurses and aides at this home who treated death like a bearable ǯȱȱ Ȃȱȱȱǰȱȱ¢ǯȱȱěȱȱ skills diverse enough to cover the dispensing of medication, checkȬ 173 ing of vitals, the release of the deceased to the proper authorities — as well as teaching everyone how to make something clever out ȱȱǰȱȱǰȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȬ lieved unabashedly in the palliative properties of pipe cleaners, felt ǰȱȱǯ ȃȱȱȱȱ¢ǵȄȱȱȱǰȱȱǰȱȱ ǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱ ¢ǯȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱ¡ȱȱ ȱ ȱ¢ǰȱȬĴȱ ȱ ¢ȱǰȱȃ ȱȄȱ Ȭ ȱȱ ȱ¢ǯ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ £ȱȱǰȱȱ£ȱǯ As sad as I felt about his last few months in a nursing home, I would have felt sadder still if he had made something out of pipe ǰȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȃȱ Ȃȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ¢Ȭ ȱȱȱǰȄȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱǰȱ £ȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱ¡ȱȱȱȱǯȱȃȂȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱ ȱǯȄȱ¢ȱȱ ȱ ȱŘŖǯ ȱȃ¢ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȄȱ¢ȱȱǰȱ ȱȱ ȱǰȱȱȱȱǰȱǯȱȃȱ ȱȱ£ǯȄ ȃȱȱǯȄ Returning from work she had stripped down in the garage — a safe, airlock kind of space — so as not to contaminate our house ȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱ£ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȬȱȱȱ ǰȱȱȱȬȱȱ ǰȱȬȱȱȱǰȱȱȬȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ǯȱȱȬȱȱȱȱȱĴȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǰȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȂȱȱȱ ȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǰȱȱȱȱěȱȱ ȱ ȱȂȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȱȱǯȱ A geologist with the USDA in Des Moines, she had been walkȬ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱĚ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱŘŖŖȬȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱĴȱȱȱ¡ȱǰȱȱęȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱěȱȱȱĚȱǯȱȬ ŗŝŚ ing the creek on both sides was 20 feet of dense briar and bramȬ ǯȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱĴȱȱȱȱȱȬȱȱȬ ȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱȃȬǰȄȱ¢ȱȱǯȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱǯȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱ ¢ȱȱ¢ȱĚȱȱȱȱȬ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱśşȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȂȱȱȱȱȱȱ¡Ȭ ȱȱśşȬ¢ȬȱȱȂȱȱȱŘşȬ¢ȬȱȬ ȱǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ěȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȬȬȬȱ ȱ ǰȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱǯȱ Ȭȱ¢ȱȬ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȭ ȱ ǰȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ ȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢Ȭȱ character had three chances to ȱȱȱǯȱ Was it worse to spend the day at a nursing home or to spend it scouring Soap Creek? I tweezered deer ticks from her back and didn’t feel very ǯȱȱȱ ȱȱĴ¢ǰȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȂȱȱǯȱŗŖȱęȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ£Ȭȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱǰȱĴȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱǯȱ ȃȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱǰȱǰȄȱȱǯȱȱęȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱǰȱ ȱȱ £ȱ ȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱĚȱȱȱ ȱǯȱȱȱǯȱ¢ȱȱ ȱǯ ȃȂȱȱǯȄȱȱȱȱǯȱȃȱȱȱ¢ǯȄ ȃȱĴȱ ȱ¢ȱȂȱȱǰȄȱȱǰȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǰȱȃ¢ȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱ ȱ accord and make something out of pipe cleaners, felt squares, and ǯȄ ȱǯȱȃȱȱǰȱȱǯȱ¢Ȃȱ£Ȭ ȱȱǯȄ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ǰȱ¢ȱǯȱ ȱȂȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ week, and we were a married couple sharing the natural intimacy 175 ȱşȱǯǯȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱ ¢ȱ ǯȱȱȱĴȱ¡ǯȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱśŖǯȱȱȱȱȱ been married, but we lived in a state where two women could do ǯȱ¢ǰȱ¢ ¢ǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ DZȱȱǰȱȱȱǯȱ¢ȱ was always becoming something else ǯ ǯ ǯ ȱ ȱȱ ǯȱȱ ȱ¢ȱ ȱ ȱǵȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȂȱȱȱǰȱȬȱȱǰȱȱǵ ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȃȱ ǰȱȱ ȱ ¢ȱȱǯȱȱȱ¢ȱ ǯȄȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǰȱȱǯȱȃȬ ing in his life has ever had anything to do with pipe cleaners, felt ǰȱȱǯȱȱǰȱpleaseǯȄ ȃǯȄȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȃȱ ȱ¢ǯȄ He had favored the unhurried simplicity of an afternoon chess ǯȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ǰȱ ęȱ ǰȱ ££ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȱȱǰȱ ǰȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȃ¢Ȅȱȱȱȱǯȱȃ¢Ȅȱ ȱȱȱȱ something else, something he had never been, as if to recalibrate ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱ ȱ ȱȬ ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ęȱ¢ȱȯȱȱ¢ȱ¢ȱȱ ȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ¢ǰȱȃȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȄ ȱȱ ȱȱ£ȱǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ something that was no longer the man I called Dad, but a natuȬ ral process larger than any of us and to which we would all subȬ ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱĚȱȱȱ ȱȯȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱęȱȱȱȱ a nimble step at a point in life when one could scarcely balance on ȱǯȱThe destinationǰȱ¢ȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱ ȱ¢ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱȱřȱǯǯȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱśǰȱ ȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱ¡ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱ ǰȱȱȱǯȱThe destination. Dad was receding into history, and a measure of our history was receding, too, the history that included ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǰȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱȱǰȱȱęȱȱȱȱěȱȱȱ 176 ȱ ȱǯȱȱ ȱěǰȱǯȱȱ Ȃȱȱǯȱ It was hard to convey the entropy of aging with much dignity, nuȬ ǰȱȱǯȱ ȱȱ Ȃȱ¢ǰȱȱǯȱ The notion of Dad lying there right at that moment — wispy, ęǰȱȱȯȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱȱĴȱȱȱȱǰȱȱĴȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ęȱ ȱ ȱ ȯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱǯȱ The last tiny deer tick did not stay in my pincer grasp, but dartȬ ed up the stainless steel shaft of the tweezers so fast I lost track of it, ȱȱŗŖȱęǯȱ¡ȱȱǷȱǷȱ ȱ adamant and tenacious it was, eager to latch onto warm mammaȬ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȬ¡ǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱĴȱ¢Ȃȱȱǯ ȱȱȱęȱȱǯ ȱ ȱ ȱȯȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ǵ Her work there would end in two weeks, though she would ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ěȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ scare and endure itchy bites that wound up taking more than two ȱȱǯȱ¢ȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱǰȱȱȯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱęȱěȱȱŘŗȬȱ ǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯ Ú ȱȱȂȱęȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȂȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ¢ǰȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ęȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȃȱ¢ǰȄȱȱǰȱ¢ȱǯ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ¢ǯ ȃ¢ȱȱ¢ǵȄȱȱ ǯ ȱȱȱȱ ȱǰȱȱȱȬȱȬ ǯ ȃ ǰȄȱȱǯ ȱȱ¢Ȃȱ ȱ ȱȱȱǯ ȃǰȄȱȱǯ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ wife? I was his daughter ǯ ǯ ǯ Daughters didn’t have wives He acceptȬ 177 ȱǰȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱȱ ȱ ę¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ¢ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ Ĵȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱ£ȱȱǰȱȃȱ ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱusǵȄȱȱȱȱȱȱ£ǰȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱǯ ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ Ȭ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢DZȱȱǰȱ£ȱ remote, waning interest in things that had once been dear — the ǰȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ I took up my post, knees pressed against the bed, his hand a ȱ ȱȱǯ Death didn’t happen everyday at the nursing home, but it was a frequent and anticipated outcome — not a looming presence so ȱȱȱ¡ȱǯȱȱěȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȬ ¢ȱȱǰȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱǯȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱ Ȭȱ Ĝ¢ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȭ ȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱ You had to account for death more closely than you did Medicare ǰȱȱ¡ǰȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱ¡ȱȱȱęȱȱȯȱȱȱ brokers, insurance companies, the IRS and Social Security AdminȬ ǯȱȱȱĜȱǯȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱ¢ȱȬȱǰȱ ǯȱȱǰȱȱȬ dents ate the usual subsidized meals and played countless games ȱ¡ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱ ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ ¢ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱ exotic ports of call, unless you considered a crazy detour through ȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ¡ȱȱȱǯȱ Ȃȱȱ¢ȱ¢ȱȱ¢ȱȯȱȱǰȱĴȱ ǰȱȱěǯȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ of his name and it lay atop his napkin, bright fuzzy loops spelling ȱȃǯȄȱ ȃ ȱǰȄȱȱȱȱȱ¡ȱǯȱ Help me. Ú ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱęȱĜȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȬ 178 mission from property owners for Kathy to walk the portion of ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȬȱȱěȱȱȱȱȱȱ Ȃȱ ¢DZȱȱȱ¢ǵȱȱęȱĜȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȬ ęȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ŗŖŖȱȱ¢ȱ¢ǯȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǰȱȱ she didn’t want to stop to pee and thereby breach her hazmat suit ȱǯȱ¢ȱřȱǯǯȱ ȱȱȱ¡ȱȱŗŖśǰȱȱ ȱȱ Ĵȱ££¢ǯȱȱȱ ǰȱȱȱȱǰȱ ǯȱ ȱ Ȃȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȂȱȱ¢ȱȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱȱȱ£ȱȱȱǯȱȂȱȱ¢ȱ ȱǯ ¢ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱȱęȱĜȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȬ ȱǯ ȱǰȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱ He browbeat her, ranted, cursed her, all because she had had the ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ¢ǯȱ¢ȱ ȱȱǰȱȬȱȱ her clothes, sticky with daylong sweat, looking like an immigrant ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱǰȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱśşȬ¢Ȭȱ ǯȱȱ ȱȱȱŗřŖȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȬ ¢ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ£ǯȱ ȱȱǯ ȱǰȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȬ ǯȱȱȱǯȱȱ¡ȱȱȱ ¢ǯȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȱĴȱĚ ǯȱ The heat beat down on her as it had for hours, and she received ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱȱĴȱ¢ǯȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ¢ǯȱȱȱ ȱȱȱĴȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȬ ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ¢Ȭ ǯȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ¢ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱǰȱ¡Ȭ ǰȱȱǯȱȃȱȂȱȱǰȄȱȱǯȱȱǰȱȱ ȱ 179 southeast Iowa ǯ ǯ ǯ ǯ ¢ȱȱęȱĜǰȱęȱȱ ȱȱ ȱǰȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢Ȃȱȱ ȱȱȱȬ ȱȱȱȱŘŖŖȬȱȱȱȱǰȱȱĴȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȂȱ ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱęȱȱȱȱ ȱȬ ȱǰȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǯ Sometimes in Iowa the land stopped being land and became ȱȱȯȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱ¢ȱ ȱ¢ȱ in a place where this happened? How could you draw up a plat or a deed? The only way a farmer could get red in the face and curse you up one side and down the other for parking next to his driveȬ way was if he really, really, actually believed it was possible a) for ȱȱ ȱȱȱǼȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ In a state like this, who could do that? Who could dwell in that delusion? ȱ¢ȱ ȱ ¢ȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȬȱȱȱȬ parent changeless millennia, the grand illusory stasis of life though the ages — and Davis County was not exempt from this process, no Ĵȱ ȱ¢ȱȱ ȱǯ ȱȱ¢ǰȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȂȱ ȱǰȱ¢ȱȱȱ some bass, ready to cast his line into a quite personal and private deȬ ǯȱ¢ȱǰȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱŗŖŖȬȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȂȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȬȱ ȱȯȱǰȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ there, every branch she had ducked, every thorn that had torn her ǰȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱěȱ ȱȱȱȯȱȱ if by magic — into spotless afternoons of pure relaxation and the ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǯ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱ¢ȱ ȱȯȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱ ¢ȱǯ ¢ȱ¢ȱşŖȬ¢Ȭȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǰȱȱȱȁ¢Ȃȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ęȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱǰȱȱǰȱȱǯȱȱ big change, the one that generated a ton of paperwork for the afȬ ȱȱȱěǰȱȱȱȱȱȯȱȱȱǷȱIn a year he was a wind chime hanging from the walnut tree in my backyard, his voice the mellow notes that sounded when a breeze ȱǯȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȂȱȱ 180 ȱǯȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǯȱȬ ingly, and no one could have seen this coming, a change even less predictable than the one Dad himself had gone through, he got ȱȱȱ¢Ȭȱȱ ¢Ȭȱȱ¢ȱ¢ȱ Ȃȱ ¢ǯȱ ȃȱȱǰȄȱ¢ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǯ ȱĚȱ ȱǰȱȱ¡ȱȱ ȱ ȱȯȱȱȱ ¢ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱȱěȱǯȱ 181 ћѡѕђњȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱǯȱ [Print] Photograph me staring at the photograph my brother had snapped of himself on a glacier ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ Hang beside it the postcard of an old west town sign announcing ȂȱȱDZȱ ǰȱŗǯȱȱȱ I realize no one cares if there’s a body of work about him, ȱȱȱȱ ȱęȱ a way to visualize the invisible ȱȱ Ȭęȱȱ¢ȱ ¢ȱ walking a rod with mounted strobes over the snow, the bitmapped ȱ¡ǰȱǯ 182 ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ѢѠѡђџȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ǰȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ Ȭ ȱǰȱȱ ¢ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱěȱȱȱȱȬ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱǯȱ ȱǵȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱęȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ǯȱ ǵȱȂȱȱǰȱ¢ȱȱǰȱ¢ȱȱĴǰȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱęȱ ȱȂȱȱȱȱȬ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱěǰȱ the secret and hidden and mysterious and painful and never really ȱǯȱȂȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ¡ǰȱ like a cloud larger than the world that disappears after the day is ǰȱ ȱ ¢ȱȱĴȱȱȱȱ¢ǯ ȱȱȱǰȱȱȂȱȱȱȱȱȂȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȂȱ ȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱ ǯȱȱȱȱęǰȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱǰȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱ¢Ȃȱȱǯȱǰȱȱ ȱȬ dered, the cooks took the refuse and, like tribes, fashioned art from the remains and put them up like banners announcing that we had ȱȱǰȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱ¡ǯȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱęǯȱȱȂȱȱ a plastic shark, and we’re walking down the pier, and people are ęȱěȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȂȱȱȱȱ lighthouse, but rather a museum, a skeleton, a herald from the past built into the ocean, or maybe it wasn’t a lighthouse, but it was cerȬ ¢ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȂȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ ǰȱȱęǰȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǰȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯ ȱȂȱȱȱǰȱȱȂȱǰȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ęȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱĚȱȱȱȱ ȱǰȱĴȱ¢ȱęǰȱĴȱ¢ȱȱ¢ȱǰȱȱ enough to let him know that I exist, information that I hoped would ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ¢ǯȱȱ 183 ǰȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱ¢ǰȱȱ the Japanese soldier, he doesn’t know that the war has ended, that Ȃȱǯȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ǯȱ¢ȱȱǰȱȱĚǰȱ ¢ȱȂȱȱȱǰȱȂȱȱǯȱ ȱ ¢ȱȱǯȱ Would you believe that, even if I told you the island isn’t real, would you believe that the man was, or rather is? ȱȱȱęȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ ȱǰȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǰȱȱȱěȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱ¢DZȱȱȱȱęȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ watching řǰŘǰŗȱ on the bed, a handle of vodka next to me, ȱȱȱȱ ǰȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱǰȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱȱȂȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ¡ȱȂȱǰȱȱǰȱȂȱȱęǰȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱ¢ȱ ǯȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱęȱȱȱȱ and I hate it, but then I could only be three or four, and she’s taking ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ¢ȱȬȱȯȱ ȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱ¢ȱ brother at the time and who disappeared as soon as he did, who once showed me a picture of a girl that he taped to his chest so she’d be near his heart — across the country to visit our grandparents ȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ that I barely remember but had remembered for me by the people old enough to do so, and the dead dog Duke, the white one, who I do remember and who got hit by that car and who taught me to stay ȱȱȱǯ And I search and I search because, to me, he’s something less ȱȱȱȱȱDZȱȂȱȱǰȱȱǰȱȱ skeleton, and he holds inside him knowledge about himself and about myself and I need to know but I drag my feet because I don’t want to, because nobody really wants to understand themselves ¢ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱ question, those shaped by time and space and isolation and the stoȬ ȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȬ ęȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ǰȱȱȱȱȱ£ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ ȱęȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱ ȱȱȱǰȱ ¢ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ would you believe me if I told you that I never found him? ŗŞŚ ¢ȱȱ ȱȱȱ¡ȱȱȱȱǰȱȬ ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱǰȱȱ ǰȱȱȱȱȱ sisters told me about him, his sisters who I won’t call my aunts beȬ cause they, in their own small way, hid him from me, hid him away ¢ȱȱęȱǰȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ¢ȱǯȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ he hated himself and I know he had the tendency towards martyrȬ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȬǰȱ and that he felt that by not existing, he was somehow saving us, like ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱ ¢ǰȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱěȱȬ tween us have come to construct who I am, how I set myself against ȱ¢ǯȱȱȱȂȱ ǰȱȱ ȱǰȱ ȱȱěȱȱ Ȭ ǯȱȂȱȱ¢ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱ ȱǯ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ Ĥǵȱ ǵȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ where the lines are? And I’m on the beach and I see a turtle, about the size of a dinner plate, and it’s on its back in the sun, and I sit and watch as its skin yellows and boils and blackens and cracks, ȱȱ ȱȱĚȱȱȱȱȱ Ȃȱȱǯȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱęǯȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱę¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱ¡ǯȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ you that? Do you believe my story? I only ask that you tell me you ǰȱ ȱȂȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ have to be understood, and so you say yes, yes you believe me and I say yes, yes I believe you too, and we’re both speaking that lanȬ guage, that ancient language, that cloud language, that gets behind ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯ 185 яќѢѡȱіљљȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱ ȱǯ ȱ¢ȱȂȱȱǰȱȱȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱȂȱȱȱȱȂȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱȂȱǯȱ¢ȱ planting snapdragons in the garden; hanging tomatoes ȱ ȱȱDZȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǯ He split the soil fed with pig shit, with a hand like the strong face ȱȱDZȱȱȱǰȱȱȱ ǰȱ ȱ¢ȱęȱȱȱȱȱǯȱǰȱȱ ȱȱȱęȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ slop ȱȱȱȬǰȱȱ ȱ ȱȱǰȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ breathe ęȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǰȱ ȱǰȱȱȱȱ ghost bulbs ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ on his way home from haystacking, with a pitchfork like a lance, a ȱǯ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȬȱȱȱǰȱ on the delicacies of writing curriculum, stealing glances, ȱȱǯȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ father, torn to bits by a coyote pack, in the garden, planting snapdragons ȱǰȱȱȱȱȱǯ 186 юљѓȬіѓђȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Sheila P. Donohue ŗǯ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ Ȭǯȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Springs, down the wide boulevards beside the green lawns and ȱ ȱ ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ ǰȱǰȱǰȱ¢ǰȱȱǰȱǰȱ¢ȱ ǯȱ DZȱ¢ȱȱȱ ǵȱ DZȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱěȱȱȬ ǯ ȱ¢ȱǯȱ ȂȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȂȱȱȱȱǯȱȬ ȱǰȱȱ££ȱȱȱǯȱȱȂȱȱȱȱȱȱ ¢ǰȱȱȱǯȱȂȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȂȱ ȱǰȱǰȱȱ¢ȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱ toward me from within the cave of his car seat, sluggish with travel ȱěǯȱ ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱęǯ Řǯ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ Ȃȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ǰȱ ǰȱȱ ȱ ȱȱǰȱȱǯȱȱȱȬ serts itself in dust on the windshield, cacti on the shoulder, a mean ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ¢ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ globes like mounds of melting ice cream, drilled with holes I’d like ȱȱ¢ȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȱȱ ǰȱęȱ ȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȬ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱĚǯȱȱ ȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱĜ¢ȱ ǰȱ¢ȱȯȱȱȱ ǰȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȃȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ 187 ȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ǰȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱęȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱ We’ve seen no other people for two hours, only the burning ǰȱȱȱęȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¡ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ engine, night fall, coyotes bounding from their dens, our bones ȱǯȱ ȱȱǰȱȱ¢ǰȱȂȱȱ¢ȱǯȱ Ȃȱ¢ȱȱ of cell phones? ȱȂȱȱȱ ȱȱĚȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ Ȃȱ ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱǰȱȱ¢ǯ řǯ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱ ¢DZȱ ȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱ¡ȱȱȱ¢ȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ¡ȱǯȱȱȱ¢ȱȬ ȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱȱǰȱȱǰȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱǰȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱ¢ȱ ǯȱ¢ȱ ȱǰȱȱȂȱȱ ȱȯȱ Ȃȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱ ȱȱ ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȂȱ¡ȱěȱ ways to bloom while being prickly so that no one will touch it, alȬ ȱ¢ȱ ȱ ȱǯȱȱȱǰȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱ seen none, not even the kangaroo rat, whose head we have badly ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ ǰȱ ǰȱ ǯȱ ǰȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȬȱȱ£ǰȱȱȱȱ ȱȱĴǰȱȱȱȱȱ£ǰȱǰȱȱĴȱ¢ȱ ěȱȱȱǰȱǰȱȱ ȱ¢ǰȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱȱ of animal.ȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǯ ȱǷȱ¢ȱǰȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ǯȱ DZȱ Spandex humongo homo. Summer 188 DZȱȱ·ǯȱDZȱ¢ȱȱ ǯȱȱ£ȱȱDZȱ ¢ȱǰȱȱ ǯȱȱDZȱ¢ǰȱȱǰȱȱǷȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯ ȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱǰȱǯ Śǯ What is he hearing? — pebbles on the tarmac; planes humming in the air; the wind from a thousand windmills on the other side of ȱ ȱ ǵȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ribbons of synapse vibrate, marked with his original language and now this new one, in which clunks, whistles, thrums, whooshes, and chirps are as potentially relevant as the sound of his new parȬ ents’ voices, calling to him, calling him back from the busy stylus in ȱǯȱȂȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱęǯȱǰȱ ¢ǰȱǰȱȱǰȱȱȱȱǯ śǯ ȃ¢ȱȱȱȱȂȱ¢ȱǰȄȱ¢Ȃȱȱȱ ǰȱȃȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱ Ȃȱȱ ȱ ǯȄ DZȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱĜȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱěǵȱ ȱȱȱǰȱ ¢ȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱ ȃȱȱȱ ȱȱǰȄȱȱ¢ǯȱ DZȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ you, Linh — an educated and gregarious woman — , to have any ȱȱǵȱȱȱȱǵȱȱȱȱ Ĝǵ ȱȱȱǰȱǯȱǰȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ǯ ǯ ǯ ȱȱǰȱǰȱ ȱ¢ȱ¢ȱȱȱĜȱ 189 ǯȱ DZȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǵȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ¢ǵȱ ǰȱDZȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȃȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȄȱ ȱ¢ǰȱȱǯȱȃȱȱȂȱ¢ǯȄȱ ȱȱ¢ǰȱ¢ȱŘŗǯȱȱǰȱȱǰȱ ȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȯȱǵȱǰȱ ȱǯȱȱ¢ȱȯȱȱǵȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǰȱǯȂǰȱ¢ǵȱ ȃǰȄȱ ¢ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȃȱ ȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱǯȄȱ Ŝǯ ȱȱ¢Ȭȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ now our van’s headlights and what they illuminate are the only livȬ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱǰȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱǯȱȂȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ tunnels, and, as one would suppose they should be, they are provȬ ȱĜȱȱęǯȱȱ¢ȱȱȱDzȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱ Kim to forget it, to take us back to the hotel, but after all he has ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȂȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱ ǰȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱ ȱ Ȃȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ¡ǰȱȱ¢ȱǯ At last the road widens and we stop at what appears to be an entrance separating two chunks of similar dark and leafy rubber ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ĝȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱ ǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ ǯȱȱȱ ȱȱęǰȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȬ ȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ ¢ǯȱ¢ȱȯȱ ȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȯȱȱĜȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱ ȱ¡ǰȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ 190 war tunnels are in places no wider than the width of a man, and the ceiling can become so low that we will have to crouch to move ǯȱ ǰȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȂȱ¢ǰȱ¢ȱ ȱȱǯȱȂȱȱ ȱǯȱ ǰȱȱǰȱ¢ȱ¢ǰȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȂȱ ȱȱǯȱȂȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱ¢ȱǰȱȱ¢ǯ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱ hole, imagine them crawling their way along dark tunnels beneath ǰȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ Up in the night air, I sit at a picnic table under the small pavilion ȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱĴȱȱȱ ǯȱȱ ¢ȱȱĝȱǰȱĴȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ ȱȱȱȱȱ¢Ȭ¢ȱ ǰȱȱȱ Ȭ ǰȱ Ȃȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ £ȱȱǯȱ¢ǰȱȱ ȱǰȱȱĴȱȱȬ ȱȱȱǰȱ ȱ¢ȱȱǯȱȱȂȱ we wanted to come? ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ DZȱ ȱ ȱ Ȭ ǰȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ army buckles, postcards of soldiers that may or may not be authenȬ ǯȱȱȱ£ȱȱ Ȃȱȱ¢ȱ¢ǰȱȱȱĚȱěȱ ȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ moving, its rustling all the more suggestive of large animals in the ȱȱ¢ȱ£ǯȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ¢ȱȂȱǵȱȱ then, if they don’t return? ǰȱȱȱDZȱȂȱĴȱȱȱȱǰȱȱĴȱ ǰȱ ȱ¢ȱǰȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȬ ¢ȱȱȱȱĚȬĚǯ ȱȱ¢ȱǰȱĴȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȬȱȱȱȱȂȱǯȱȱȂȱȬ ȱ¢ȱȱǰȱȱ¢ǯȱȱǯȱȱǯȱȂȱ¢ȱȱ claustrophobic? ǰȱȱ¢ǯȱȱ ȱĴ¢ȱǯȱ Then why did you go? 191 ȱDZȱȱȂȱ ȱȱȱǯȱ ŝǯ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȬ ǯȱȱ£ǰȱ ȱȱǰȱ£ǰȱȱ ǯȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȂȱ¢ȱȱȱ Ȃȱȱȱǰȱ¡Ȭ ȱ ¢ǯȱ ȱ ȱ Ĵǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱĚȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱǷ He exclaims again, ǰȱǰȱȱȱȱȱĴǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȱ ȱȱǵȱȱȱǵȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ he all right? What is happening? ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱȱ¡ȱǯȱ ȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȬ ȱDZȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱǯȱȱ a ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȯȱ ȱȱȱȱǰȱȬ ȱǯȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȱ What if we cannot make it out? Do such things actually happen? American Tourists Lost in Vietnam Jungle. Presumed Dead. And then Kim is laughing, tossing up his hands and smacking ȱȱ ȱǯȱ ȂȱȱǯȱȂȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱǯ ȱȱȱ ȱǯȱȱȱȱǰȱĴȱȱ ȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǵȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȬ ǯȱ ȂȱȱȱȂȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ ȱĝ¢ǰȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȯȱȱǷȱȱ¡ǯȱ ȱȱǷȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱǷȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȱ£ǰȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱ ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱǰȱȬ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȬ ǰȱȱ¢ǯ 192 Şǯ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȃȱ ȱ Ȭȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱǰȱ¢ȱȬȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ǯȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǰȱȱȱęȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱǯȱ ȱ¢ȱ ǯȱ ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢DZȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ£ȱȱǰȱ£ǰȱȱȱ in his ample cheeks and for a moment, brief but real, he’s made a ęȬȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱ ȱ ȱǯȱȂȱ¢ȱȱ¢ȱ¢ǰȱǰȱǰȱǰȱ ǯȱ ȱȱǰȱǰȱȱǰȱǯȱ ȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱǯ şǯ Water trickles over layered pebbles in the fountain, seeps below the ȱǰȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱ¢ȱǯȱ 193 ȱ юєђȱ ќћȱ ќќѡȱ юѠѕіћєǰȱ ђџњіѡѡіћєȱ ѕюњђǰ џџќџȱюћёȱѢіљѡǰȱѦѠђљѓȱѡѕђȱіћєљђȱќѢџѐђȱ ȱ ȱ ȱę ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǰȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȬ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȬ tist churches I grew up in, the ritual was part of an annual comȬ ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȯȱȱȱ there is a story in which Christ humbles himself to wash the feet ȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ to such humility — the members of the church would rise to sing hymns, called out by title or hymnal page number, and a procession would begin in an orderly fashion such that, sister with sister, and brother with brother, a pair would form and a wash basin would ȱȱȱęȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱȱ ȱȱ ȱ ȱȱ partners would sit on and kneel before the front pew and alternate ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱ an elder and younger man exchange the service, lean and muscuȬ ǰȱ¢ȱȱǯȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱ¢ǯȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȃȱȱ¢ȄȱȱȃȱȱǰȄȱ ȱ every grimace and blush on my mother’s face with her slender feet ȱȱȱ Ȃȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ¢Ȭȱ ȱ ȱȱȂȱǯȱȱŞƙȱ DZȱȱ ȱȱ£ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȬȱȱȱȬ ȱȱȂȱęĴǯ To wash one’s own feet independent of the rest of the body, and even to wash the feet of others, was not an unusual act in the time and place Jesus Christ lived, in an economy of hospitality, Greek in ǯȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱǰȱȱǰȱȱȬ ily the feet were the most unclean part of anyone entering a home, ¢ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱęȱ¢ǰȱȱ ǵȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȬ ognized by the scar on his leg when the old nurse was cleaning his ǯȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱ ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱ ŗşŚ ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱǰȱ¢ǰȱȃȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȄȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȂȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱ Somewhere Guy Davenport must have an annotated bibliography ȱȱǰȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǯȱ In Greek drama it was even more honorable to wash a horrible foot, ȱȱǯȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ¡ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱ ȱȱ led their wounded, festering compatriot ashore and sneaked back to the boat slip without him, unable any longer to tolerate the smell ȱȱǰȱǰȱȱǯȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǰȱ¢ȱ¢Ȭ seus, to gain Philoctetes’ trust, to hear his laments and sympathize, to enter his cave and tolerate the stench; he takes the ogre’s magic ȱ ȱȱȱ£ȱȱ¢ȱ¢ȱȱǯȱȱȱ ¢ȱȂȱ¢¢ȱȱǰȱȱȱȱǯȱǰȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ęȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ psychic detachment from his own extremity he had managed is ǯȱ ȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱǰȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱȱǯȱȱ¢ǰȱ ȱȱȱ hero, messiah incognito, is here a craven opportunist, whose vilȬ ¢ǰȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱ¢ȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȬ ates my mother in the company of family or friends, over dinner or in his own hospital room, as he does regularly, relentlessly, set ěȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǰȱȱȱȱǰȱǯȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ęȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱ ȱȱ or admirable his other dealings may have been, the great disgrace ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱ ȱȱ ȱǰȱęȱ¢ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱǰȱȱęȱȱ¡ȱ¢ȱ ǰȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ sole of his right foot, a condition not uncommon to advanced type Řȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ 195 ȱ¢ǰȱȱȱǯȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȱ the related impaired circulation and complete localized nerve loss, there is no pain, but there is constant danger of necrosis and toxic ǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱĴ¢ȱ ȱȱȱ and granulated for years, but never closed, despite a number of stimulative water and pressure and debridement treatments, and its inability to heal is the single reason he has been prohibited the kidney transplant for which he arranged a donor long ago but for ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȬȱȱȱȬ ȱ ¢ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȬȱ£ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱǰȱȱ ȱ¢ȱǰȱȱȱǯȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱǰȱ¢ȱǰȱȱǰȱȱȱǯȱ She has a kit, a kind of carpet bag, with gloves and sprays and ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱ ǯȱ He lifts his heavy leg to the butcher block table in their kitchen, and her movements are quicker and rougher than you might imagine, ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱǰȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ¢Ȭęȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱ ȱȂȱȱ¢ȱȱǯȱ ǰȱǰȱȱǰȱȱ ȱǯȱ 196 ȱюєђȱќћȱќѐѢѠȱњќђћѢѠǰȱђџњіѡѡіћєȱѕюњђǰȱ џџќџȱюћёȱѢіљѡǰȱѦѠђљѓȱѡѕђȱіћєљђȱќѢџѐђȱ ȱ ȱę ǯȱǵȱ ¢ȱǯȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ ǰȱǰȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ everyone have one? The locus amoenus is one of the early convenȬ tions of the pastoral mode, which is the oldest minor genre in poȬ ¢ȱȱ¢ȱ ǰȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ ǰȱ ¢ȱȂȱȱ£ȱȱȱȱ¡Ȭ ȱ ȱ DZȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȬȬȱ scenes together made up a village, a community; and in another ȱȱȱȱ ȂȱȱȱȱȂȱȃȱ¢ȄDZȱȬ talgic, plaintive, performing and lamenting the fungibility of men ȱȱǯȱȃȱ¢ȄDZȱȂȱȱȱȱȱȃȱ¢ȱǯȱǯȱǯȱ Ȃȱȱȱ¢ǯȄȱǻ ȱȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱǯǼȱȱ¢ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȬȱȱ ǰȱ¢ȱȬ rassing for its unproblematized birdsong and lilting reverie on the ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱ a shepherd — that is, by a young man who was amative and uninȬ ǰȱ¢ǰȱ¢ȱǰȱ¢ȱǰȱǰȱęǰȱ Ȭǰȱ¢ȬȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȬ ȱȱȱ ǯȱȱ¢ȱȱȂȱȱȱȱȱ ǰȱǰȱǰȱȱ ȱ ȱǰȱȱ¢DZȱ that’s who spoke the poem, which could be a number of things but was often an extrapolation of a detail in a myth known well by ǯȱȱȱȱ ȱȱę¡ȱDZȱ ȱȱ ȱ¢ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǯȱ What was it like for Herakles to leave his men and search frantiȬ cally for his young, barefoot lover who had been drowned by river ¢ȱĴȱȱȱ¢ǵȱǰȱȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱęȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ who know my reputation as a poet and lover must be about me, 197 ǯȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ hillside outcropping of rounded rock one happens upon, with the ȱȱȱȱȱȱĴȱȱǯȱȱȱǯ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱěȱȱ the person who writes the poems and pays the Comcast bill late again and gets balsamic dressing on the side and snaps at the cusȬ ȱȱȱȱȬ ȱǯȱȱȱȱ poet Allen Grossman makes the distinction between them and furȬ ther suggests — best as I could tell and as well as I recall — that ȱȱǻȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȃȱȱȄǼȱȱȱȱȱ ǰȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱǰȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȬ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱęǰȱǰȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ lyric poem, which in fact we do recognize immediately in poetry, ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱĴȱ ȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱǰȱ¢ȱ ȱȱ ȱȱ ¢ȱȱ ȱ¢ǯȱȱȱ someone unnamed saying something to someone unnamed, either in a particular context or in the realm of forms, I am not him, and I ȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ the hearing overhearing? The kind of place where all the looking is ǯȱȱȱǯȱ So, am I in a voice in a poem; or am I in a place from which I’ve preȬ ȱȱDzȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱęǰȱȱ ǰȱȱǰȱȱȱǵȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȬ ing a reading, reading some of the early poems that went into my ęȱǰȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱ¢ǯȱȱ ȱȬ one not especially familiar with poetry but someone who knew me DzȱȱȂȱȱ ǯȱȂȱȱȱȱ¡ȱȱȱ a half dozen times, in dreams too, until you sort of equip yourself ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱĚȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱǻȂȱȱ always, about identity?) The person asks, maybe even works up the ȱȱǰȱȃȱ ¢ȱȱ ȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱǵȄ Why is poetry pretentious? Is that the question? Certainly to anȬ 198 ǰȱȃǰȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȄȱ Ȃȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱ ȱȱ ǰȱȱȱęȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱĴȬ tion to the medium, language, defamiliarizing it from its usual inȬ visible, directly communicative and expository functions, thereby ȱȱǰȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ directly communicative and expository language that this explanaȬ ȱȱěǰȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ¢ǰȱ ȃȱ Ȃȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȃȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ¢ȱ ǰȄȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱǵ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ person in a group who points, who understands pointing as an act that might send the gaze of others in a direction he indicates with ȱȱȱȱȱęǯȱȱ ȱȱȬ stration, all the others keep their eyes on him, even and especially on his extremity, which repeatedly extends and goes rigid and to ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱĴǯȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱ¢ȱ part of the body something as divorced and immaterial as someȬ ȱȂȱĴǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱ Ȃȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱǰȱȂȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱǻȱȱȱ DZȱȱȃȱ ȱ¢ȱ Ȅȱȱ ȱȱȱ ¢ȱȂȱǯǼȱȱȂȱ ǯȱȱ ǰȱ¢ȱ ǰȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱęȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱĴȱ ȱȱȱȱ ǯȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱȱ¢ȱ¢ȱ¢ȱ ȱȱ ȱȂȱȱȱȱ ȱǯ ȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȬ ȱ ȱ Ĵȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱȱȱǰȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ ¢ǰȱȱ¢¢ǰȱȱȂǯȱȱ ȱǰȱ ȱȱ ǯȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱęȱȱęȱȱ¡ȱ ęȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ £ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȬ ȱȱȱ¢ȱǯ 199 The last of the things I like that Allen Grossman says in his famous and pretentious Summa Lyrica, or maybe he’s quoting someone, is that in the social realm of speech we face one another, asking ȱ ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ¡ǯȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱ ǯȱȱ ȱǯȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱě¢ȱȱȱ we stood in the world a moment before, the world we came to the ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¡¢ǰȱȱǯȱȂȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱDZȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱ ȱǯȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȬ ǯȱȱȱȱǵȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱ 200 ȱ юєђȱ ќћȱ юћȱ ќѢљђѡѡђǰȱ ђџњіѡѡіћєȱ ѕюњђǰ џџќџǰȱюћёȱѢіљѡǰȱѦѠђљѓȱѡѕђȱіћєљђȱќѢџѐђȱ ȱ ȱ ȱę ȱ Ĵȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ Ȃȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱĴȱȬȬȱ ȱȱȱ somewhere in the world, a man with whom you may build a small relationship or virtual transaction more or less premised on mutual Ĵȱȱ¡ȱǰȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ¢ȱ confront this functional blackout, the logical solution is in substiȬ tutive logic, a hacker’s logic, exchanging other words for man in ȱ ǯȱ ¢ȱ Ȃȱ ¢¢ǰȱ ¡¢ǰȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ¢DZȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱěȱȱȬ ties of pornography, even where your own identity is inscribed, deȬ ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱȂȱ ȱ¢ȱȱǰȱȱȱȱǰȱ¢Ĵǰȱ Ȃȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȱȱǰȱ¢Ĵǰȱȱȱ Ĵǰȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȬ Ĵǰȱ ȱ ¡ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢Dzȱ ȱ Ĵǯ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǻȱ ¢ȱ spinning?) — sixty users in each, apparently — and very nearly identical to the interactive site I discovered for myself in the sumȬ ȱȱŘŖŗŖǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱĴȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱǰȱȱ ȱȱěȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ ǰȱȱȱ¢ȱ¢ǯȱȱȱȱȱȬ ȱȱȱȱȱ¡ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱDZȱǰȱȱȱȱ deeply underway life dialing you in, staying on you for the moment ȱǰȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ¡ȱȱȱȃǯȄȱǻȱȱȬ ȱȱ ȱǰȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱȱĴȱǯǼȱȱ outgoing video image in the image box beneath that one, at the botȬ ȱȱȱȱDZȱȃǰȄȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǰȱȱ¢ȱȱ chosen to position yourself on this day, relearning that the lean of your head to the left lists to the right rather in the mirror picture, ȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȱȱ ȱ¢ȱǰȱ¢ȱ entire face, in my image box, which puts me in a minority of users, ȱȱȱ ȱǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǰȱȱ ¢ǯȱȬ 201 ¢¢ȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱǰȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǯ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¡Ȭęǯȱȱ¢ȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱĴȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ǯȱ ȱǰȱȱȱ ǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǰȱǰȱǰȱȃǯȄȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱĴȱȱȱȱ¢ǰȱ or lamplight, with a bed or desk or basement sofa, with doors you can ask him to open, bags he may or may not empty, of content you ¢ȱȱǯȱȱĴȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȱȃDZȱȱ¢ȱȱǵȄȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱ¡ȱęȱȱȱĴȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ Ȧ¢ȱǰȱǻȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱ DZȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȭ ȱȱ¡ǰȱ¢ȱȱ¢ȱȱĴȱȱǼǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȬȱȬ Ȭęȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ partner up; a familiar compartmentalization may be experienced DZȱȱǰȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱ¡ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȬǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ¡ȱęȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱ ěǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱDzȱȱȱ over later, if you cut and paste and save, you can recall his smile at ȱȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱǰȱȱęǰȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȬȱǯȱȱ¡ȱęȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ǰȱȱȱȱ¡ȱȱ ȱȱȱǰȱ¢¢ǯȱȱ ¢ȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȬȱǯȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ a date in which the two of you exchange as in confrontation but ȱ¢ȱȱǰȱȱ ǰȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱ ȱ¡ȱęȱȱȱȱ ǰȱȱǰȱȱȱ ȱ road at once; and your image and his are the chassis and heavy ǰȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱǯȱȱȱȱęȱȬ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ¡ȱęȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱŘŖŗŖǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱĴȱȱȱǰȱȱ about Partner days on end, and I can recall real, breathing moments ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱDZȱȱȱDzȱȱ ȱ¢ǰȱDzȱȱȱǰȱĴDzȱȱȱ 202 ȱǰȱ£DzȱȱȱȱǯȱȃDZȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ǯȄ ȱ Ĵȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ǰȱȱ ȱȱ ȱ¢ȱǯȱ¢ȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱĴȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǰȱȱ older man fantasy for some, a station to move right past for many ǯȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ¢ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ some time, I think I hadn’t realized I was no longer young myself ȱǯȱȱȱĴȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ ǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱřśȱȱȱřŜǰȱ ȱǯȱȱ ǯȱȱȱ¡ȱęǰȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ an unexpected mix of permissive mischief, acute sensitivity and oblique non sequitur, to wager at intervals something true and ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ǰȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ good deal more controlling, I came to realize, and much more inȬ vested in how I came across, and — however much I love to divulge ȱȱȱȯȱȱ ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ in his expressions, for his inability to contain himself, for his freeȬ dom in his rooms, for what seemed a freedom from tactics, for his ¡ȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱĴȱȱ¢ȱ¢ȱ ȱȱ other for a few more dates is, in the end, for all its anonymity and ¢ǰȱȱěȱȱȱȱȱ¡ȱǰȱȱęǯȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ęȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ Ȭ¤Ȭȱ ȱ ǯȱȱǰȱȱ ȱȱǰȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱǻȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ combinations, the most smug of the eight, although private active ĴȱȱȬȱǯǼȱȱȱȱǰȱȂȱȱȱ be the catch; to draw in rather than pursue; and then, sure of his ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȬȱȱȱȱěǰȱ building a kind of domicile I can invite him into, a narrative usually, a construction of us with great focus on why he is special enough to belong, very pleasurable for both of us if Partner is dispositionally ¢ǯȱȂȱĴȱȱȱǯȱȱȱǰȱȱǰȱȱ fair amount of what I always want and routinely prevent, the expeȬ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱȂȱ¢ȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢Ȃȱȱǯ 203 ȱȱěȱȱȱĴȱȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ Ȭȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ǰȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱ ȱȱ¢ȱǰȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱ ȱ¢ȱǰȱȱ ȱ ȱȱ ȱǯ ŘŖŚ ѕђȱќњяіђȂѠȱџюѦђџȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȃǰȱ ȱȱ¢ǵȄȱ ȱȱȱĚȱȱȱȱȱȂȱǰȱȱȬ ǰȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȂȱ¢ȱ¢DZȱ ǰȱǰȱěȱȯȱ ȃȱȯȱȂȱȱǰȄȱȱǯȱȂȱȱǯȱȂȱȱ¢ȱ ¢ǯȱȱ ȱ ǰȱ¢ȱȱȱ¢ȱǯ ȱȱ¢ȱǯ ȃȂȱǰȄȱȱ¢ǰȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȃȂȱȱǯȄȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ £ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ĴȬȬȬȱ ȱ ȱ Ȭ Ȭȱ£ǯȱȱȱǯȱĴȱȱȱǯȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ¢ȱ ¢ȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱǯȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ǯȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱȱȱȱȱ ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǰȱ ǰȱ ǯȱȱȱȱȱǯ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱ¢ǰȱȱ¢ȱ¢ȱşŖȱȱȱȱȱȱ holler, held a lit roman candle like it was a dick and aimed it down ȱ ¢ǯȱȱȱȱǰȱȱ ȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¡Ȭ ȱȱȱȱĴȱȱǯȱ ǵȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱȱ ¢ǯȱȱ ȱ ȱ¢ǯȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱȱȂȱȱ ȱ¢ǯȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ¡Ȭ¢ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǯȱȂȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱǯ ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ǰȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǰȱȱȱȱěǰȱ¢ǰȱȃȱ ¢ǰȄȱȱȱ¢ȱ Ȭ¢Ȭ ȱȱǰȱȃȱȂ ¢ǰȄȱ ȱȂȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ ǯȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ mother, I speak in a monotone, grunting single syllables like it’s her ȱȂȱȱǯ 205 ĴǯȱȂȱǯȱ ȃǰȱ ȱȱ¢ǵȄ Ȃȱęȱ¢ȱǯȱǰȱ ǰȱ ǯȱȱ Ƿȱǰȱȱ ȱ ȱȱ ȱ ȱǰȱȱ ¢ǯȱȱȱ¢ǰȱ¢ȱȱȬ ǵȱȱ¢ǵȱȱ¢ǵȱȱ ǯȱȂȱ ȱ¢ȱȱǯ Isn’t there ȱȬȬȬȬȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱȱȱ¢¢ǵȱȂȱĴ¢ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ Sign me upǯȱȱǰȱȂȱȱȱȱǯ Ȃȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ĝǰȱ Ĵȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ¡Ȭ ȱ ¢ǯȱ ȱ ǰȱ ¢ȱ ǯȱ Ȃȱ ȱ ¢ǰȱ ȃȱ ¢ǯȱȱ ¢ǯȱȱȱȂȱǯȄȱ¢ȱ£ȱ¢ǯȱȱ the scrape and click of her hook keeps pulling me back into this ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ěȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ Ȭȱ ǯȱ And I’m wishing I hadn’t rubbed so much coke on my gums in the şŖǰȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȬĚȱĚȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȱȱ ȱ ȱ behind me sounds like a running toilet, as she brings the vacuum ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱĴȱȱȱȬȱ ǯȱ ȃȱ ¢ǰȄȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ Ȃȱ ȱ ȱ Ĝǰȱ ȱ Ȃȱ dodging the third call from my mother, when my daughter’s throwȬ ȱȱęȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȂȱȱȱȬȬ ȱȱȱȱȱȬǰȱ ȱȂȱ ȱȱ a private room because the doc wants to talk to me about genetic ȱǰȱ ȱ¢ȱ¢ȱȱȱęȱȱȱȬ ȱ¢ȱǰȱǰȱȃȱȱǵȱȱthis hurt? You may ¡ȱȱȱǯȄȱȂȱ ȱ¢ȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱ ȱȱȬ ǯȱȱȱ¡ǯȱȱȂȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȃ ȱȱȱǯȄȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȬǰȱȬǰȱ Ȭȱ ȱ ȱ¢ǰȱȃȱthatȱǵȄȱ ǯȱȂȱ ȱȂȱȱȯȱ¢ȱȱȯȱ ȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȂȱȱ afraid of explaining it to his mother to deny him access to pictures ȱ¢ȱǯȱȃȱ ¢ǯȱȱ ¢ǯȱȱȱȂȱǯȄȱ ȃǰȱ ȱȱ¢ǵȄ Ȃȱ ȱȱȱĚȱȱ¢ȱǰȱǰȱȃȱ ¢ǯȱȱ 206 ¢ǰȄȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȂȱȱȱȱ mother, that I suck at being a wife, that I’ll never amount to anyȬ thing, that I have wasted my life, that I will die unknown, that I have no purpose, that because I am a shit for a daughter fate will ȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȂȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǰȱȱȂȱ really not, that the love of my life doesn’t actually know me, that if he knew me he wouldn’t love me, that he has already left me, that I am too afraid to live, that I will take too long to die, that I will screw up my kid, that I’m old, that I’m young, that I can’t really do this life, that it’s too late to realize this, that I chose the wrong color for ¢ȱǰȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ Ȭ ȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱĴȱȱ head and huge fucking ass that starts at my knees and ends at my ribs, that my ovaries are no good, that they will take my uterus and my boobs, that there is nothing wrong with me, that everything is wrong with me, that I have been wrong about everything, and that ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱŜȱǰȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǯ ȃǰȱ ȱȱ¢ǵȄȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȭ¢ȱǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ¢ȱ£Ȭ bie, cashing in my past, my identity, my belief in God and a good ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ęĚȱ ȱ Ĵ ǰȱ cashing in beauty and goodness and the sacred sound of wind in wheat — all for some starched, white piece of paper I can hang on ȱ ȱȱȱȱĜȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȱ ȃ ¢ǯȱ ¢ǯȱ ȱ ¢ǯȄȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȯȱ ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱȱęȱȱȱȱȱȱĴȱȱĴȱȱ ¢ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ęȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ¢ȱǰȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱ ǯȱ ȃȂȱȱǰȱ¢ǵȱ¡ǰȱǰȱȬȂȬȱȬȬȬǵȄȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ǯȱ ȃǰȄȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ¢ǰȱ ¡ȱ ęȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȃȂȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǯȄȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ¢ǰȱȱȱ ǰȱȱȱ¢ȱ Ȭȱ ¢ǯ ȃǯȱȱǵȱȱȱǵȄ She points behind me at the green curtains on her window, 207 ǰȱ ǰȱȃ ȂȱǯȄȱ ǰȱȱĴǰȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ¢Ȭȱ ¢ȱȱ ȱǯȱȃ¢ǰȄȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱ¢Ȭ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȂȱǯȱ ¢ȱȱ¢ǯȱȱ¢ǰȱȬǰȱ£ȱ¢ǯȱǰȱǰȱȱ as fast as you can.ȱ¢Ȃȱȱ¢ǯȱĴȱȱȱ ǰȱȬ ǰȱȱ ǰȱȱȱǰȱȱȱĴȱȱȯȱWho’s afraid ȱȱǰȱȱ ǵȱȱǯȱȂȱǯȱȂȱęȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱ¢ǰȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱęȱǰȱȱĴȱ ǯȱ And as my knees start to buckle and my ovaries twist my gut to ǰȱȱ¢ǰȱȃ ǰȱǷȄȱ ȱĴȱȱȱĚȱ ȱ ȱȱǰȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱǯȱȃ Ƿȱ Ƿȱ ǷȄ ȱȱ¢ǰȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱęȱȱȱ ȱ ǯȱȂȱǯȱȂȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱȱǯȱȂȱ ȱȱǰȱ faster, faster, my feet stumbling on the red alphabet rug in front of ¢ȱȂȱǯȱȱ Ȃȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ ȱ ǰȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǰȱȱȱ ǰȱȱȱȱęǰȱȱ I am fearless with a hope that I can be here, now, today and tomorȬ ȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱ ǯȱǯ 208 ќѡђѠȱќћȱќћѡџіяѢѡќџѠȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ іњȱёџіюћȂѠ short stories and essays have appeared in ȱ ǰȱ ǰ The Ĵ¢ȱ ǰȱ£¢ǰ ȱȱ ǰȱȱ Ĵǰ ǰȱȱ ǯȱȱŘŖŗŖǰȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱ ¡ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ¢ǰȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ her husband and two children and teaches creative writing at the ȱ ȱȱȱǯ ȱȱȱǯǯǰȱюџђћȱљјюљюѦȬѢѡ teaches poetry at Tel Aviv ¢ǰȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱ£ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱǰȱ Ȭ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ŘŖŗŘȱ ȱ ¢ǰȱ ȱȱǰȱand ¢ȱȱȱȱǯȱHer exhibition with ȱ £ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȭ ȱȱ¢ǯ ѢѠюћћђȱћѡќћђѡѡюȂѠ most recent book, ȱ¢, a memoir ȱ¢ȱȱǰȱȱȱȱǯǯȱǯȱ ȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱ ǰȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ǰȱȱȱȱ ȱęǰȱȱȱ£ǰȱȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ DZȱ ǰȱ ęȱ ȱ ȱȱęǯȱȱȱȱǰȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱǯ џіюћȱљюћѐѕѓіђљёȂѠȱęȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǰ pubȬ ȱ¢ȱ¢ȱȱȱǰȱȱŘŖŖŚǯȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱǰȱȃȱ¢ǰȄȱȱȱ¢ȱȱThe ǰȱȱȱ ǰȱȱ¢ȱȱ Ĵǰȱȱ ǰȱ ȱ¢ǰȱȱǰȱȱȱǯ њіљѦȱќяќ is the author of , a chapbook about a girl and her piano, which appears in Lost Horse Press’s emerging poets’ series, ȱǰȱȱȱȱǻŘŖŖşǼ.ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ¢ȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȬ ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ¡ȬǰȱȱȱȬ ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ 209 ќѠюȱљіѐђȱџюћѐќȂѠ most recent collections are Ĵȱȱȱȱ ǻ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ£ȱȱŗśǰŖŖŖȱȱȱŘŖŖşǼ and ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǻȱȱǼǯ Her ȱȱȱȱǰȱǰȱ ĵǰȱǰȱ¡Ȭ ǰȱ£ǰȱ£ǰȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱ USA, her work has appeared in over thirty magazines, including ȱ , ȱ, ȱĴȱ , Prairie Schooner and ȱ ȱȱ ǯȱ ѕџіѠѡіћђȱ ѕіћ is an artist whose work makes humorous and ironic commentary on contemporary issues of technology and ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱęȱȬ ǰȱ¢ȱęȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱ ȱ ȱ has been shown nationally and internationally at venues including ȱ ȱȱ ȱȱǰȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȬ ȱǰȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱ ȱ¡ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ department of Art and Architecture at Hobart and William Smith ǯ юѡѕюџіћђȱ ќљђѠȂѠȱ ęȱ ǰȱ ȃǰȄȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱ ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ ing in £¢ǰȱĴ¢ȱ ǰȱǰȱ¢ǰȱǰ and ȱ ȱ ȱ ŘŖŗŗǰȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ month in Antarctica recently writing poems under the auspices of ȱȱȱȂȱȱȱȱǯȱ юѢљȱџђћѠѕюѤȂѠȱstories and essays have appeared or are forthȬ coming in ȱȱ¢ȱŘŖŖś and ŘŖŗŗǰȱȱ¢ȱǯȱǯȱ ȱȱ ȱĝǰȱȱȱ¢ȱǰȱȬ cluding ǰȱȱȱ ǰȱand Southern HumaniȬ ȱ ǯȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱ іњȱюѣіѠ is a graduate of Knox College and now lives, writes, and paints in Chicago, where he edits the ȱ ȱ ǯ His work has appeared ȱȱ ǰȱȱȱ ǰȱ¢ȱȬ ¢ǰȱęȱ ǰȱȱ·ȱ , and Contemporary American ǰȱȱǯȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱ ǰȱȬ ȱęȱ£ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱǰȱȱ 210 ȱȂȱȱ ǯȱ ǯ¢ǯ ѕюџќћȱќљіћȱȱȱȱȱęȱȱȱǰȱȱ¢DZȱ Whirlwindȱǻ¢ȱȱĴȱǰȱŘŖŗŘǼȱȱȱȱ ǻ¢ȱȱĴȱǰȱŘŖŖŞǼǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ£ȱȱ¢ǯȱShe is ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ ȱ¢ǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ terberg Poetry Center of the 92nd Street Y and directs the Center for ȱȱȱĴȱ¢ȱȱǯȱ ѕђіљюȱǯȱќћќѕѢђȂѠȱ ȱȱȱȱ ¢ȱȱǯȱ Her short essay on the poet Hayden Carruth will appear in an upȬ coming issue of Poetryȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ǯ юѡѡȱќћќѣюћ is the author of Vellumȱǻ ȱĝǰȱȱ ŘŖŖŝǼȱ ȱ ȱȱȱ£ȱȱ¢ǰȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱ£ǯȱ ȱęȱȱȱȱȱȱ as ǰȱ¢ȱ ǰȱ¢ȱ , and Virginia Quarterly ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ £ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ǰȱȱȱȱ ǰȱȱȱȱ £ȱȱǯȱ ǯȱ ǯȱ юџџќ spends her summers living outdoors and conductȬ ȱęȱȱȱȱȱȱǰȱǰȱȱȱ¢ȱ ǯȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱęȱȬ ȱȱęȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱ ђѠѠюȱ ќћѡюіћђ lives in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, where the outlaw ȱȱȱȱȱěȱȱ ȱȱěȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱ ǯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱęȬ ǰȱȱȱǰȱǰȱǽǾǰȱǰȱȱǯȱȱ teaches writing and performance to students in prison, and someȬ ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ юѡѡѕђѤȱюѣіћȱџюћјȱȱȱȱȱȱęȱǰȱPot and , the poetry books, ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ¢ȱ ȱ 211 , and Ĵȱǰȱȱȱȱȃȱ ȱȱ ȄȱȱȃǯȄȱȱ ȱȱȱThe New ǰȱ ȱ Ĝȱ ǰȱ ǰȱ ǰȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ £¢ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ęǰȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱęȱȱȱ Passages Northǯȱȱ ǰȱȱȱȱęȱȱȱ ęȬ ¢ȱȱǯ љіћѡȱюџћђџȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ University of Montana, where he also served as a poetry editor and Ȭȱȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ491 and ěȱȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ collaborative literary small press — look out for beautiful artifacts ȱȱȱȱȱȱǯ Ѧюћȱџюћёіѐјȱȱȱȱěǰȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ work published in the ȱ ǯ юџяюџюȱ ююѠȱȱȱȱęȱȱęȱȱȱȬ nals as ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱǰȱȱ ȱ ǰȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ ȱȯȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱǯ ѕџіѠȱ юѣђћȂѠ poetry has appeared or is forthcoming in ȱǰȱ ǰȱ¢ȱ ǰȱand ǯ He teaches creative writing at ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱDZȱ ȱȱȱǭȱǯ These poems are part of a series about ȱǰȱȱ¢ǰȱȱęȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯ ђќѓѓџђѦȱ іљѠюяђѐј is the author of two chapbooks, The KeepȬ ers of Secretsȱǻȱ¢ȱ ǰȱŘŖŖŚǼȱȱȱǻȱȱ ǰȱ ŘŖŗŘǼǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ŘŖŗŘȱ ¢ȱ £ǯȱ His work has appeared in 6x6; ǰȱ ; We Are So Happy to Know SomethingDzȱ ȱ ȱ ǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ǯ 212 іѐѕюђљȱѣђѠ is the author of ȱ¡ȱȱ, from ȱ ǰȱ ȱ , forthcoming from Station Hill ǯȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ£ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȦ performance trio, Ȃǰȱ ȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȬ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ Ȭ ȱȱȱ¢ǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱŘŖŖřǯȱ љђѥіѠȱђѣіѡіћȂѠȱ¢ȬȱȱȱȱȂȱSoulȬ storm ȱȱȱȂȱȱȱǻȱȱ ȱ Ǽǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ£DZȱȱȂȱȬ ary Companion ǻȱ ǰȱ ŘŖŗŖǼǯ In 2012 he will publish ·ȱȱȂȱȱArt of Patienceȱȱȱ¢ȱ£Ȭ ian poet Salgado Maranhão’s ȱ ȱ ǻ ȱ Ǽǯȱ He and Salgado will take that book on a three month long reading ȱȱȱǯ ǯȱǯȱќяјќȂѠ poems and interviews have appeared most recentȬ ly in ¢ȱ ȱ, Hunger Mountain, ¡ȱ, ȱ, and are forthcoming from ȱ ǰȱǰȱandȱǯȱHis ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ£ǯȱȱȱŘŖŗŘȱȱ Ȭȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ ȱǰȱ ȱ work on his poetry manuscript Kin Anthem and his novel ȱȱ ȱ¡ȱ¢ȱǯ џђћёюȱіљљђџ is the author of Listening Against the Stoneȱǻȱ ȱǰȱŘŖŗŗǼǰȱȱȱȱȱǻȱǰȱŘŖŖşǼǰȱSeason ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ǻȱ ǰȱ ŘŖŖŘǼǰȱ ȱ Ȭȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ DZȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ęȱ ǻ Ȭ ǰȱ ŘŖŖřǼǯȱ ȱ work has received six Pushcart Prizes and has been published in ȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȬ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȬȬȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǯ Her latest book ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ DZȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱǰȱȬȱ ȱȱ ¢ȱǯȱ ǰȱ ȱȱȱ ŘŖŗŘȱȱȱ ȱǯ ђџџѦȱіџѠјіћȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱęȱ Ȭȱǰȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȱȱ£ȱȱ¢ǯȱ ȱȱ ȬȱǰȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȬŗřǯȱ ȱȱȱ year’s winner of the ȱǭȱĴȱȱ¢ȱ£ǯ 213 юѡюћіюȱќѠђћѓђљё is the author of a critical book, Outsiders ToȬ DZȱȱȱȱȱǻȱ¢ȱȱŘŖŖŖǼǯȱȱ ȱ¢ǰȱęȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱ including ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ǰȱ Ĵ¢ȱ ǰȱ ǰȱ ȱ¢ȱ ǰ and ȱ ǯȱShe is a professor ȱȱȱ¡ȱȱȱǰȱǯ Ѧљђћȱ ќѢћёѠǰȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ Ĵȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱǯȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ǯ њіљѦȱієєіюћќȱюљюћёȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ǰȱ ȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱDZȱ A Journal of Literature and Artǯȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ forthcoming from , ȱȱ , Smartish Pace, ȱǷ, ȱǰȱandȱǯȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǰȱǯ ђћћіѓђџȱіћќџ is the author of ȱ¡¢ȱȱȱ¢ȱ Writing. Her essays have appeared most recently in The American Scholar, Utne, and ¢, and she has work anthologized in The Norton Readerǯȱȱȱȱ ȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ŗşśŗǰȱ ќћћѦȱ ќњђѐј moved with his famȬ ¢ȱȱȱȱȱǯȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ¢ǰȱȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢Ȭȱǯȱ ȱȱȱȬ ied prizes include the Prime Minister’s Award, Yehuda Amichai ǰȱȱ ȱȱ£ȱȱ¢ȱŘŖŖŜȱȱȱȱ ȱ¢ȱǰȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱǯ ћєђљюȱѡђѤюџѡȱȱȱȱȱȱęȱȱ Program at the University of Iowa and has previously published in ǯcom, Ĵ¢ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱǯȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ ȱ ȱȱȱŘŖŗŚǯ ŘŗŚ ќђљȱ ѕіѠѡљђȱ юєѢђȱ ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱ ǰȱ ȱ ȱ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱǯȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ¢ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ PhD student in Critical and Cultural Studies at the University of Ĵǯ ȱȱȱȱǰȱ ȱȱȬȱȱřȱȱȬ ing Series, юџѐіȱќєђљ has been twice nominated for a Pushcart £ȱȱȱȱȱȱ ǯȱ ȱ¢ǰȱęǰȱȱ ęȱȱȱȱȱLos Angeles Times, ȱ , ¤ȱȱ, and she enters USC’s PhD Program in LiteraȬ ȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȱȂȱ ǯ іѐќљђȱюљјђџȱȱȱȱȱȱȱ ȱȱ Press is This Noisy EggȱǻŘŖŗŖǼǯȱȱřȱȱ ȱȱȱ¢ȱȱ collection of hybrid research/lyric essays, Quench Your Thirst with Salt. Continuum Press will publish ȱDZȱ ȱȱ¢ȱ ȱȱęǰȱȱ¢ȱȱȱȱȱȱŘŖŗřǯȱȂȱ ȱęȱȱȱȱ¢ȱ£ȱDiagram. She edits the Ȧ ȱȱȱ7 Rings on the Ĝȱǯȱ љіќѡȱѕюљіљȱіљѠќћȂѠ poems have been published in dozens of ǯȱ ȱęȱȱȱǰȱȱȱȱĴȱȱȱ, ȱ ȱ ŘŖŖřȱ ȱ ȱ ¢ȱ £ǯȱ ȱ ¢ȱ ȱ ȱ ǰȱǯ 215
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