The Good Divorce - Catherine Crockett

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rhehard part. But Eli hasit down to a routine.
"Gabrielle, you up?" he says on his second trip upstairs to her
bedroom. Itt 6:54. Shet not moving. He needs to have her at the
bus stoo in half an hour.
Eli is a man who loves routines, and todays has been smooth so
far. His alarm went off at 5:o3,as it always does on weekday mornings.
He showered, ate breakfast and spent a leisurely 3o minutes or so with
the paper before leaving his Rockville townhouse at 6:25. Twelve minutes later, he pulled the minivan into the driveway of the wo-story
colonial where his ex-wife and three daughters live. He got a hug from
Alyssa, the r5-year-old, then greeted her mother as the wo headed off
at 6:45.Tori, the 9-year-old,wont need to be awakefor a while.
"Let me seean eyeball,"he says.
The rz-year-old is his social child, the one who divided her
time last year benveen Nvo separate groups of friends, but shet
sometimes less than excited by the idea of school. She raises a
heary eyelid. He switches on her light and trots downstairs.
Lunch production time.
He makes two rurkey sandwiches and lines up the additional elements: barbecue chips, granola bars, apples and \Xtnnie the Pooh fruit
snacks. He fills mo lunchboxes, stows them in backpacks, then heads
to the basement for a jar of Fox! U-Bet Chocolate Syrup, without
which Gabrielle wont drink her morning milk. Says "nuts" when he
cant find it. Thkes the stairs rwo at a time when he finally does.
"Gabrielle, how you doing?"
"l'm coming."
The chocolate milk and a bowl of Froot Loops are on the table
when she arrives.
Itt a little after 7 now, and Tori is downstairs, too; she'sgotten up
on her own and setded in to watch TV Over the next hour and zo
minutes, Eli will talk a litde football with Gabrielle, drive her to her
bus stop, be awarded three sarcastic claps after he executes a U-turn
("You didnt hit the curb this time!"), drive back, toast a waffle for
Tori, discusswhich instrument she wants to play (shet leaning
toward the violin, but wants to try his old clarinet before she
decides), load the breakfast dishes in the dishwasher, then hustle
his youngest away from "Hey Arnold!" and out the door.
Every day, the routine is much the same. The family calls it
Daddy's Morning Thing, and it's written into the separation
o
el
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ohsbv Loiss R
Raimondo
By Bob Thompson > Photograp
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Theearlyshift:Alyssa,15, and Debbiegraba quick breakfastbeforchandingthe morningoverto Eli.
Debbie and Eli Nadel had never heard of Mavis Hetherineton, but Debbie picked up a copy of
-Waliersteint book, whic-h
came out not long after they separated."I bought it out of
fear," she says. "Id heard the starisricsofhow bad things were,
and the outcome . . ."
She didnt finish it. Shet a goal-oriented person, and she
wanted books more focused on practical advice.
"Ever1'thingt a statistic," shesays. "You know, you can sort
of go, oh my God, what have I done, or you can say,well, how
can we be a different statistic?"
)
An IncrediblyFunctionalMarriage'
"Do you luuuuuu
rs?"
The "Fiddler on the Roof" imitation floats into the kitchen
from the back yard, where the r5-year-old and the n-year-old
are sharing a hammock. Gabrielle takes the Oscar for loudest
vocal and thickest Yiddish accent. The song has been a running joke in the household for days.
Tori darts through the door and hurls herself onto her sisters. "Get her off me! Get off! Get upl Get uuuupl Owwwwl"
Gabrielle shrieks, before she and Alyssa take up a Motown chorus. "Stopl In the name of lovel Before you break our bonesl"
"Theyve got a ticker to de-eath, but they dont care!" Tori
shouts in reply. A few minutes later, the rhree raucous divorce
statistics are boundinq into the house for dinner.
"Attack of the flying 9-year-old," Alyssa tells her mother by
way of explanation for the chaos. Debbie calms them down
and gets dinner-a choice of Iasagnx 61 52l6en-on
the table.
An efficient organizer who's almost always in motion, shet
currendy juggling her mother-of-three role with a new job as a
regulatory project manager at the Food and Drug Administrationt Office of Blood Research and Review, and she says she
rarely gets a chance to sit down. V{henever she does, however,
one or another of the girls is likely to plop down on her iap, as
Gabrielle does after dinner, or lean a head on her shoulder, as
Alyssa does a bit later on the family room couch.
She cant imagine life without her girls-which makes it all
the more amazing that, if not for a bad blind date and an ice
cream run, they might not be here at all.
The phone call came in October 1983. Debbie, who was
just about to turn 27, had been working at the George Washington Universiry Hospital transfusion service ever since she'd
graduated from G\7 with a degree in medical technology. A
close friend had given Eli her numb€r. "I was one of the last
single friends many people had."
Eli, who was three years older, had a programming job at a
hospitaliq' industry software company in Rockville, now known
as Vsual One Systems, where he still works today A rrim man
BobThompson
is a Magazine
staff writenHewill befielding
questionsand commentsaboutthis articleat 1 p,m.Mondayon
www.washinglonpost.com/liveonline.
NovErirBERz +, zaoz
@tfiullinatonltortlllcaqine
17
tongu; and sendsher
shereflexivelystopscrying,sticksout her
fatherinto a fit of hystertcallaugnter'
camera-wielding
--lI,
Deb*"r, all in all, an incredibly functional marriage"'
to be
ourselves
believed
we
"and
I
think
bi. *yr,l;"king back,
together'
best
did
they
thing
the
was
haopv." Being parents
do' Thev rnadeit th^roughthe usual
;"d"i;.';;;
;;"t,"
nights, diapers'sibling faceoffs-and 61s un.riJr-rf*pl.ss
*.ll' \i{httt ''tlytt" was.6' she developed
.;;;.,J
first' thev be";rr," .v."",p'obl'-s' Misdiagnosed..at
;i:;;;
correctdiagthe
until
sei'
barelv
,n", rt'. could
.;;::";;;.;;
morning
the
in
up
wake
would
she
finally made,
;;i; ;
she
there'
to,school;
go
want.to
didnt
Jn.
,tt*,
,:;.;-i;;
"ft"i.
"once
friend'
iJg"Ued through the day by a devoted
just as.theyhad shared
Eli and Debbie sharedAlyssa'sta'e'
from ihe beginning'"Eli wasmore than
.h.;;;i.;Genting
wirh the kids"'
,o-o.r..rr, o?'thismai'iagt' in te'ri' of dialing
morewon"he
been
have
couldnt
farher,
b.tU;. says'and asa
that she
them
beween
trouble
of
signs
were
derful." Yet there
to read'
saw,
-- but didnt know how
waswrong'-You
8u.., now, it's hard to describepreciselywhat
wasa word she
which
."U it a lackof connection''ht '"y"
face,a classiilvHugl momenthersib- .oUi
but 'what
sepatation'
tiie
ffi"rrlil;Hl';#
before
..""teling a few years
sumat
forget'.Heres
let her
"on a primal level"that there
"t.a.-i"
;;; h;.";er
{rear;old.Gabrielle
ilt ,h" mean?"\het"tit"tood
a tiny plasticcar ("I
a kind of emotional
mer camp,rejecting *oJld-bt co-pilot of
marriage'
her
in
"
minel" sheexplains)' *", ,o...hi.rg missing
wouldnt let him drive-it wasmine' mine'
shehadnt' at first' evenknown
that
inconsolablyexcePt
through to Eli'
""1*r,*ai"f*d,t,pio't
U..{ f"Uy Tori, red-facedand bawling
,fr", ,n. ,r..i.d. She-iriedto get the message
her' at which point
on
air
blowsa little puffof
*ft." ft*
-oth.,
townhouse'
12' in hisRockville
Eli,ToriandGabrielle'
at Daddy's:
Dinner
his high schoolclothes'
with a neatmustachewho can still fit into
a new MazdaRX-7
with
habit
fr. t
irr* indulgedhis sports-car
thev drive to An"d
suggested
He
spin'
,ri. i, ro'
;J;;;;Jr;
"
other
but madeno
Plans'
napolis,
"*il;[;J;;
*"ta ii"ner and headedback to Debbies
"*t
uv-Yhi:l time shewas "countingthe
ro";;il;Titgiti"'
it was still early'and
minutes till this *", ot"t|" Problemwas'
sheinquired^ifhe
So
leave'
shedidnt know how to askhim to
into D'C'' to
drove
they
and
.;."m, which he did,
iilJ;;
startedto
they
where
Avenue'
;; B.b't Famouson \(isconsin
havea bettertime.
^-we
' St . wasa niceJewishgirl, good senseof humor' pretty'
"I
we
think
the attraction'
g., ;i;;;J' I h.; Eli de"scrib"es
iu.r. botf, readyto setrledown'"
By APril 1984,theYwereengaged'
By D.".-b.t, theYwere married'
wayNiirr.,..n monthslater,Alyssawason her
took of the girlsas
Debbie
and
Eli
videos
home
the
To watch
the surface
beneath
thevgrewis to seeno hinr of anydisurbance
a bow
taking
AJvssa
;;;tu r"'nitv ur'' H'i't 4-ve"r-old
;j":;;f
I8
z
Otrbcsbit{ttn0o* lnq{atireI t'loveu arn za' zoo
cided he would keepdoing that while shecovered
the afternoons.The minivan was getting old, so
they plannedto buy a new one they could share.
Sometimein early ry99, EIi calleda Rockville
mediator named Catherine Crockett, who had
helpeda couplethey knew through a divorce."He
said the wife and he were readingbooks and they
werenot fighting," Crockettrecalls,afterconsulting
the notesshemadeat the dme. "He didnt savthev
werenthavingdifficulries,but rheywerentfigh,ing.';
Their biggestfear when they walked through
her door,shesays,'was how the kids would react."
'Talk loud for the t]]re"* in the Back
Gushioning
the blows:Eliwatchesas Torijoustswith Gabrielle.
But they could never get to the part where change occurred.
"I think when she first brought it up, I had inklings of 'Maybe
shet right,"' Eli says. "But I didnt want to admit it. BecauseI
Five silent children-two
boys and three girls,
ranging in age from ro to r6-file into the guidance room at \7ilde Lake High School in Columbia. They
arrange themselves in chairs facing an audience of zo or so
soon-to-be divorcing parents. Smiles are scarce as Risa Garon
introduces her charges. "\fe're very honored to have a group
of peer counselors, kids who have been through a major family change," she says.
Garon is the longtime executive director of the Children of
Separation and Divorce Center, a Columbia-based nonprofit
that offers, among other services,seminars like this one to help
divorcing parents understand and focus on rheir childrent
needs. The kids are here because,as she has explained earlier,
there is nothing she or any other grown-up can say that will
capture a parent's attention as quickly as "rr-year-old Johnny
talking about what itt like for him."
Now, urging the five to "talk loud for the parents in the
back," she askshow they felt after the split occurred.
Steve, Amy, Cindy, Carol and Paul take turns describing
how they heard the news ("I woke up and my mom said, 'Today your world is going to change' "). They say where they got
the comfort their parents didnt always provide ("I just re-
didnt want rc be diuorced." Since then, het developed kind of a
shorthand for explaining the problem: They nwer learned how to
be best friends. "I cant give Debbie what she'slooking for," he
says."Shet looking for a connection, a feeling ofknowing exacdy
what the person needs and wants, and I-I dont know if I'll ever
have that with anybody. But I dont have it with Debbie."
For years, she wrestled with the idea of leaving. She worried about "the selfishnessof it-could I out mvself before the
girls?"-and after eight or nine
of not very helpful
-onths
counseling sessions, first on her own
and then with Eli, she
decided to stick it out. But as the ensuing months went by, she
found herself wondering, "Can I do this forever?" And she
asked herself what she'd say to a grown-up daughter in a similarly unhappy situation. "I would never want their children to
suffer," she says. "But I think people have one shot at life."
If there was a decisive moment, it came in the summer of
1998,when the teenageson ofa neighbor unexpectedly died. After the phone call came, Eli says,"I tried to comfoft her
and hold her, and she didnt want me to." Right then,
Familymemories:GabrielleandTorilookthroughEli'sphotoalbum.
Debbie says,she finally understood: The emptiness she
felt was not going away.
She saysshe felt "rejected," becausehe wasnt trying
harder. He says he felt "frustrated," becausehe didnt
know how. But neither ofthem talks about being angry. And whatever their feelings about each other that
fali and winter, asthey finally decidedto separate,
they
workedtogetherto minimizerhe impact on their kids.
d
.r
They quickly came to an understanding on the
fundamentals of the arrangement. Debbie and the
giris would stay in the house they owned then, which
was in the Kemp Mill section of Silver Spring. Eii
would get an apartment nearby. Because of Debbiet
work schedule-and because Eli is much more of a
morning person-he had always been the one to get
AJyssa, Gabrielle and Tori off to school, so they de-
NovElrBERzq, zooz
@tefinsltttgtonpodlllgatiru
celebratewith Gabrielle'right'
A two-parentbiilhday:Familyandfriends
was what I
my sister hugged me a lot' and that
member that
^irt.i
...i.i;i.
ii p"llingtogether
Yh":
learned b::1
ll.l
Dy
be
to
Publrsneo
on children,.,J diuottt thar is scheduled
next
Penguin
Viking
Year'
--uigo.
f,i, fi.., exposureto the subject.,Yhttt::i"1i1:,:
in the late r97os'FamilietYttld cometo
.hjl?;.i"logist
"andthe kidswere
tiJa. oFadivorce'he savs'
il;;;;
lit\x/henhe lookedto the psvchological
;;;;;ilJtime."
conflict
Oedipal
"it wastelling me about
S"fJ*."'
'Thevre
"*#?"t
all this tt'ir[ *d I thought
and
;;;;1b...,."
20
#;J ; ;;,,[ii without
"'t""ilvt"tg,'o :""'-t:]11i
.hJag"rewas89p"'!.'t' Y.'the contentof
gl"f'
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their settlementagreements
by -d;;;
btittgusedasmessengers
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orr.
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"bo",it
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difference
stay in the
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'"i"t 'oot
askfor
r. worried about moneythat they didn'r.dare
;;;
reonlv
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;;;.ri*uo"t being
i."..?;
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was
tootbalt'
play
son
his
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;\rh"t driving you home, me or Mom?"
'
ts:
message
i;; ;^.."; lsten silently'The unmistakable
do
and
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D';;';:r";;;;il;;"
in their lives'
involved
stav
"*H;;;"t;uilirv
likethisone'Garon
of p""nting seminars
that have changed
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i-po'i""t
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more than
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started
rate
divorce
il.; ;h. A-.rican
the chilhelp
to
do
?o vearsaqo,when no one knew what to
introduction
the
was
ir.i" ]"t"i".a. Lo,htt crucial change
an option-for parents
of di ror.. mediation, which became
think
Garon
court'
in
out
.doesnt
*tr"'aia"t *"nt to slug it
input
additional
require
Parents
medi"tion alone is enough:
the
understand
t"y''.to
she
from child d.,r.lopmtnt"txperts'
likely
are
they
of thtii children and how
i"ii"iJ"Jri*"tions
But any interventionthat movesParents
dme'
over
;;;i";;.
modecancertalnlynelP'
ouc
-- of confrontation
done by Robert
tna..a, accordingto a startlingstudy
lasting
produce
can
mediation
of
Emerv, a few houri
lives'
post-divorce
.h".tg., in childrens
-' g'it../t
in tht t'nlot"ly brick building tn* |::tt:
a
"in..of Virginia psychologydtplltTtlt contarns
the Universiry
-i"ff.,iti
c[ldr:n'
hi.s.file
of
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it"-.
hom hts rlrst'rre nas
fou",from his secondmarriageand one
for. rw9
professionaily
di"o"t
oT
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thtswas
and
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difficulties"',
.ruriig tlie psvchological
;;;;*
,
'-ii
for
orr.n,d .olnfli..*"' whai *a' causingproblems
a
';E*.ty
mediation'.then
if
and
hypothesized,
kid;,
diwasan opportuniryto negoriate
new phenomenon'
h.'' *" 'the perfectstudv
;;;:.';l,il;;.or'fli.r-*.li'
to do." By offeringto help setuP a medratlon.serylce'
to givehim.what
lr** o.itt"a.d " Ch"lo"tsvilleiourt
coupleswith undivorcing
by which
a Process
fr.
".li.a, custodydisputeswere randomly assignedto one
,.rol*d
th,t
oi *o gro"pt. H."at' theyd go through
"td.:".TI
to takepart tn a
asked
be
and
process
litigation
.o,rr,roJr.,
Tails,thevd getto try mediationfirst'
tli;;Jiy.
'li
to
its; ;;t a folder'full of colortul bar graphs
z8
group'
litigation
Percent
the
showwhi happened'In
I rovruern za zooz
@tesatl,hgton$tttfih4otiic
""-U.t of
th"t changedhattdt' The major
;;
we-rerr,Io:elikely to
-'o".y
*", in", the mediation g'o-t'p p"tnt'.
for their children'
"joiit
cttstody"
legaf
.fr."* *ft"t called
childrens
splitting..their
ntJtssa'ily
not
that,while
iiri.
"ioint
physical
,qu^lty-.that arrangement'known as
t;*, -."",
common-they
and less
."r,"ai" is both more trritbt"o-t
and responsibilities'
rights
parental
share
fully
to
..",f"it.a
result' however'
immediate
i-fott""t tn"n this
;;;;;
than a decade
more
did
Emerv
,,"dv
;;h;'i;11;;1.,P
of mediation
hours
six
oilust
later.After rz yeats, "ut'"gt
"t'
in keepingso-called
gT'lt*.":t:
whopping
frrJ'pr"a"..a
involvedwlth tnelrKlcls'
nonresidential
Parents
nonresidentialparOf the litigation group,only 9 percentof
more' For those
or
week
."r.-*.* *.i?g tn# atitdttr, o"tt "
data on phone
The
percent'
was
figt"t
30
nonresidential
the
of
pt"tttt
-.A""airh.
&t-atit'
-i!4
*li ;* evenmore
kids at least
their
to
talking
**
g'ot'p
mediation
oarentsin the
'on.. *..k, comparedwith around 14 percentot those m tne
the medi"
p"'lP
the residential
N4eanwhile,
;;i;;;;;"p.
i"
lived-rated
primarilv
kids
the
*i'r' whom
;:il;;;'*
in their chilasmuch moreattit'e p'esences
their former spouses
problems
discussing
in
involved
more
dr..t, liu.r. Th.y *t"
in their
in
participating
them'
disciplining
i,-,
*f,it .ft." kids,
auendin
holidays'
training'ii celebrating
;.G;and
-oral
on'
so
ine"school and church activities, and
"'t':i;;i;;)i
"I
sixhoursof
i^v'r," Emervsavs' mean'
later?"
rz
whathas
""'"il.;;t..an effect Years
a bit from its r98r peak'Emery
down
i,
,"t.
that halfofall childrenborn to
true
longer
no
it is
.r.,.t
""a
their parents'divorce'"The
;;;J
f"r.n,, wil Jxperience
best-suessnumberi smorel i ke43p er cent "'hesays't houg
getting
;"y ,.fl.tt the fact th"i fe*tr Parentsare
il il.#
stay:
to
is,here
divorce
is'
point
The
i.t th. hrst place'
;ilJ
down
gone
and
mountain
of
ptak
the
'G fr"".", .o*. a
"
the otherside.\7e reallyareon a hrghOttttlT;rr*
25
oN
'AGE
MORE THAN a month after Escobar was
gunned down, Fidel vanished. But the rurnors
and sightings ofhim have yet to die away
In May ry94, five months after Carlos
saysFidel died, the U.S. State Departmentt
Bureau of Intelligence and Research produced a dossier titled "Profile of Fidel Castano, Super Drug-Thug" that treated its
subject as very much alive.
In Colombia, the attorney generalt office continued to charge Fidel with crimes
long after he disappeared. In 1998, four
years after "the shot right to the heart," as
Carlos described it in his book, the olfice
indicted him and his brother for the ry97
murder of two human rights activists, one
of them a former Jesuit priest, in Bogota.
One ex-government investigator told
me he had good reason to believe Fidel was
living in Medellin as late as ry97. That tmpression was reinforced by a later encounter
with a paramilitary assassin,who told the
investigator that "Professor Yarumo," one
ofFidelt aliases,had sent him to kiil the expriest in Bogota. An internal investigation
by the attorney generalt office in 1997 sajd
Fidel was running the paramilitaries in the
province ofAntioquia.
Other leads continue to come in. A
London source told me Fidel lives in Israel,
where he bought some iand. A former
Colombian security agent said that Fidel
was in Portugal, buying and selling black
market art. Sightings also include Madrid
and Paris, his old stomping grounds. In
Cordoba Province, a security agent told me
that highJevel politicians talk openly about
Fidel as if he were alive. And few in Valencia believe het dead.
"If the guerrillas had really killed him,"
an elderly shop owner asked me increduIously, "dont you think they would have
said something?"
\When I asked Carlos whv so manv
people believedFidel was still aliue,he offered an intriguing answer: "Fidel always
said, '-When we kill Escobar, I'm going to
disappear, and youre never going to know
anything more about me . . .' " Otherwise,
Fidel believed, he risked becoming the
most wanted man in Colombia-in
effect,
Escobart successor.
It sounded like a more plausible expianation for Fidelt disappearancethan a ravenous jungie or a single bullet to the heart.
But only Carlos knows what is fact and
what is fiction. And only Carlos knows
whether, in the end. he will be the one to
take responsibility for the sins of the
House of Castano.
UI
Divorce
CONTINUED FROM PAG E 2O
This makes it ail the more imoortant
for divorcing parenrs to find ways ro collaborate. "It's not the same as not beins
angry, Emery says."lts incrediblyimporl
tant to recognize and allow yourself to
grieve, to go through this cycle of emotions." But the crucial thing, even while
furious or grieving, is "to be able to take
your childt perspectirre."
He mentions the work ofJudith Wallerstein, rarl6-in his view-may miss the
statistical forest for the trees, but nonetheIessperforms a valuable service by evoking
"the fine leaf of details of the points of pain
that kids report." He mentions anorher
recent study of his own, done with welladjusted college students, about the pain
they experienced from their parents' divorce. "Resilience isnt the same as invulnerability," he says of what he learned.
"Most kids bounce back, but one way I
think about it is: The bounce hurts."
More than Zo percent of his subjects,
for example, said they would be a differenr
person if their parenrs hadn't gotten divorced. Almost half said they worried
about events like graduations or weddings
when both their parents were going to be
there. Nearly lo percenr said they wondered if their dads even loved them.
Emery pauses to let that last statistic
sink in. "If your dad loves you, thar! nor
an item on any checklist of mental health,"
he says."But I mean, as a father of five kids
myself. rhar'srhe most imporranr item.
"I better passthat one when my kid is
zo yearsold."
D
'Does Alyssa Have to
Thke Down That Picture?'
Eli parks the van, scoops up Debbie's
newspaper from the driveway and heads
for the front door. He gets a flying hug
from Alyssa as he comes in.
Another day, another Morning Thing.
He's arrived at 6:36 this time.
He and Debbie talk briefly about a
Rosh Hashanah dinner he's hostins for old
f r iends - s he a n d t h e g i r l s w i l l b - et h . r . .
and she's volunteered to bring the soup.
He hustles downstairs to collect some
lunch snacks, then upstairs for Gabrielle's
first wake-uo call.
fhe main courseronighr will be brisker.
and by the time his dinner guestsarrive, alfl
most r2 hours later, Eli's townhouse is so
smoky that het had to disable the alarm.
But the meat is tender and delicious-"It's
an old family recipe from Mommy," he
explains with a laugh-and the evening is
relaxed and filled with familial banter.
At one point, Eli passesaround a photograph of himself ftom ry75. From the
look of it, he was deep in his Che Guevara
phase. "Ohhhhhh, God," says Debbie,
who first encountered this snapshot during their engag€ment.
<- r L - - '^ *. . c . - L ^ - "
a rrdr
J rrr/
t4 L l Ict,
G a b r i e l l e sa ys
brightly. "Back when hehad hair."
Later, Alyssa brings up rhe rime. a
decade ago, when she choked on a piece of
meat while getting ready for a kindergarten dance performance. "I saved you
and sent you off," Debbie says.
"No, Daddy savedme."
"Highly unlikeiy."
"Daddy slapped my back! I remember!"
" I 'm s u r e I w a s i n t h e b a c k g ro u n d
screaming,'Slap her backl' "
" Y o u w e r e n o t . " A l y s s a i s q u i r e fi r m
about this.
"Eli? Do you remembersavingAJyssai
life?"
"Yes!I do! I was a hero!" he replies,on
cue. Though the truth is, no one but his
eldest daughter recalls the incident with
a^r l l- ,
L^l
r d^"
r r r:*
)i ,
4 [,l
-4.1 ^l
At 15,Alyssa is taller than Debbie now,
and she looks closerto 20 than to iz. Shet
lost the braces that show up in her bat
mitzvah photos. Shet also lost the feeling
that her family situation is unusual, as she
explains one afternoon, back in her mother's
house, while recounting all the changes
shet been through.
"I cant see my life with my dad living
here, and doing every'thing together," she
says. "Becausethis is my life now."
Shet talking in her peach-walled bedroom, which Eli painted for her last summer; itt noticeably neater than Gabrielleb
and Tori's down the hali. Tacked to her bulletin board is iast year's straight-A report
card ("i was sort of proud of that"), along
with snapshotsof friends and family and "a
little art award." On her bookcaseare more
photos, including "my favorite picture of
my dad and me" and another, in an oval
frame, that shows both parenrs with her
when she was 2 months old. This one takes
her back to the day she first learned they
were getting divorced.
"I remember Tori saying, 'Does Alyssa
haveto take down thar picrure?'" shesays.
There are many things Alyssa does zal
NovEnlBER
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Another hurdle, Emery says, is simply
the constant, unremitting ffirt it takes to
make coparenting work-and
\7endy
Swallowt story bears this out.
The first thing Swallow had to do, she
sa)6,was give up what she calls her "divorce
frt*y,"
the one where she'd live happily ever
after with her two boys, then 3 and 5, and
their father would disappear encept on weeh
ends. He wasnt buying it. "I want to help
with homework and pack their lunches," he
told her as fie custody fight began. "I dont
want to be there for jusr the fun stuff"
They struggled over this for months. She
and "Ron," as she calls her ex-husband in
her book, each hired lawyers, though neither
really wanted to go to court. Meanwhile, he
was reading up on joint physical custody,
TheMorningThing,onemoretime.
trying to convince her that sharing the boys
could work. The studies were inconclusive
about the benefits and drawbacla of eoual
rime. she says, but they all agreedon one
thing: The lessparents fotrgh,, the better off
their children would be.
"That registeredwith both of us," Swallow says."And we just-moved on."
Moving on meant that, once she realized
she couldnt get soie custody without a destrucdve fight, she and Ron started seeinga
pair of mediators. The first task, she says,
was simpiy "learning how to talk to each
other." One day the mediators pointed out
to them that " the minute you start talking
about your children, all your animosity and
bitterness falls away and you just focus.'
And they said, 'Let! build on that.' "
Moving on meanr figuring out every
way possible'to avoid conflict that the kids
could see." The point where the boys went
from one house to the other was always
dangerous-"we had some bad exchanges,
and the children were totally creeped out
by that"-so they agreed to save even
harmless-seemingnegotiations, over schedulesand so forth, Foranother time.
Moving on meant "doing everything
you can to help the other parent stay connected." It meant giving the kids ready ac-
cessto their dad by phone. It meant resisting the urge to bad-mouth, not blurting
out every negative that came to mind. It
meant getting help and advice when necessary whether from mediators, psychologists or practical-minded bool<slike Isolina
Ncci's Mom's House, Dad's House.
The most important thing, Swallow
says-"and I dont know quite how we figured this 6g1"-1y45 that "we started to
give each other the benefit ofthe doubt."
This came about, at least in part, because
they came to understand that, as ?arents,
they were still better off as a team. They
needed each other to serve as backuos
when kids got sick, to exchangeinformation they gleaned about school problems,
to be there together at the hospital when
one of the boys broke an arm.
All this may sound easier,in summary
than it really is. "It never gets so easy that
it's not uncomfortable, to do the things
that I need to do with my ex-husband for
my kids' benefit," Swallow says. But "being a grown-up means learning how to
control how you present to the world. Especially with your kids."
In other words, you need to prove that
you canbe resilient before you xk them to be.
Not long ago, Swallow married again.
"Remarriage is the other shoe dropping on
these kids," she says, "and itt one hell of a
shoe." The boys were upset, in no small
part becausethey were worried about their
dad. But she had already talked to him
and theyd arranged that he would drop by
about an hour and a half after she broke
the news. He took them for a walk and
they calmed down-though
the younger
boy did keep citing chaos theory in an effort to prove that the grown-ups didn't
understand what they were getting into.
Like Debbie and Eli, Swallow had worried about Judith \Tallerstein's scary scenarios before she decided to end her marriage. She read 'Wallerstein's 1989 book,
SecondChances,sitting crossJeggedon the
floor at her local bookstore, afraid to buy it
and take it home. Yet "over time," as she
puts it in her memoir, "I've managed to
make peace with the starisrics about children and divorce." Her boys seem fine . She
knows she was lucky in many ways, especially because she and their father did not
struggle as much financially-though
money was certainly tight-as divorcing
parents often do.
But she also knows that their effon to remain a parenting team has paid big dividends.
"I've learned that the numbers don't
have to be a manifest destiny," she explains. "I can make them not be true if I
work at it hard enough."
>,
'This Is My Favorite George Harrison
And so here is Eli, on a Tuesday afternoon
in mid-September, working hard.
He's got the three girls in the minivan and
theyre heading over to his house for dinner,
with the vant radio tuned to the oldies station. Here comes a song from 1965,when he
was 12 years old-long
before his mother
told him, one morning when he was a senior
at the University of Maryland, that she was
moving out; before he and his father started
Iiving on steaks and Hamburger Helper; before he called up a total stranger and asked
her to drive to Annapolis; before an ice cream
run led to a wedding, and to the births of
Alyssa Gabrielle and Tori, and to good times
and bad, and, ultimately, to divorce:
Tb euerything turn, turn, turn,
There is a season,turn, ,urn, turn . . .
"\X4ot this, Daddy?" asl<sGabrielle.
"The Byrds," sayAlyssaand Eli, almost
simultaneously.
And a time to euery purpose under
heauen. . .
"Daddy, my nails are growingl" Tori says.
"\fow," her father says. "You can poli s h 'e m . "
"Beatlesl" comes a shout from the back
of the van a minute later, as the opening
iine of "Last Train to Clarksville" rings
out. Eli explains that no, actually, itt the
Monkees, and he follows this up-like
any good father concerned about his childrent education-by underlining the difference berween the originals and a bunch
of made-for-TV clones.
It's one of the things they do together, this
informal music appreciarion seminar,jusr as
they play poker, gin rummy and the Game of
Life. The girls like the oldies Eli favors,
though they listen to newer stuff as well.
Gabrielle, in particular, has definite musical
opinions. She'll ask for an Avril l,avigne song
to be turned up, request that *re station be
changed if she'sbored, and bark derisively at
the mere mention of Britney Spears.
"I havent liked her for two years," she
snorts.
In those two years, much else has
changed as well. In the summer of zoor,
concerned that the high school Alyssa was
scheduled to attend wouldnt be right for
her, Debbie and Eli sold the Kemp Mill
house. Debbie, Alyssa, Gabrielle and Tori
NovErvBER
z+,zooz| @e0cbington$crtfildaatim
27
Gabrielletwords,they have"no clue"'
moved into anotherschooldistrict and EIi
lookingsome'shesays'
Debbiehznbeen
bous.hthis new rownhousein orderro stay
She'sin searchof a partner who will be a
n.rriu. Debbierook the leadon rheschool
eoodfit not iustfor her.but Forherdaughters'
*"r.h, assheusuallydoeswhen sheand
that shecan find one' But
irrd ,h. believes
ili f*.. parenting.hoicts,and while the fiif
sheknowsthat shedoes,it will causemore
nal deciiion was a mutual one, he saysl1t
for them-and likely spell the
,ro, havehappenedif it had beenleft disruption
,nigh.
"hi-.
morning routine' "I know very
Elit
of
..rd
He was concernedthat the move
,o
with the giris is very
clearlythat the success
could "causeproblemsfor the kids"'
shesays'eyes
much drivenby his presence,"
Sureeno.rgh,they were unhappyabout
and shek
thought,
the
at
moisteninga bit
leavinstheir"home'andtheir friendsbeagain"'
that
"to
diminish
.ro, u., r."lv
hind-lso much so, Debbie says,that for a
'iI hoo. Debbie finds someonethat
as
almost
them
uPset
to
while it seemed
her h"PPy,"Eli says'"But I'm hopmakes
in
much as the divorce-but they'vesealed
ine itt to,-i"- i{e laughs,and leavesthe
well by now. She and Eli have negotiated
wJrd, ""nytime soon"unsPoken'
lor., .h*g.., too. Upsetwhen EIi brought
"I like what I have."
Sunday
one
thegirlsbrfk ht.t thanexpeced
There's no time to worrY about this
,rieit, D.bbie said'"Okay' Iet'sset a time'
roniehr, though. He's got racosto make'
*"."gi' shehateddoing that' Bur both para dance per-
.ornitrr., glitc[a to help with'
choreography by Tori and
for-"t..i*ith
the
Gabrielle-to applaud. He needs to wash
demonsuation'
clarinet
a
dishes and conduct
"I like
which will end with Tori announcing'
maintain
to
has
He
violin."
than
that better
hi, ,r.td.f."t.d record in what the girls call
"our tackle game," in which he stands in the
the same.
firsr
livine rool; doorway and fends ofF
You would needa trained eyeto tell' as
legs'
his
berween
dive
to
Cabri".ll., who tries
you flipped through Alyssdsbat mitzvah
shoulder
her
iowers
who
Alyssa,
and then
ib.r-,'ih", h.. p"r.tttt had separated'.The
into him like a fi'rllback' And by 8:3o or so'
"*.
flexible when thty ttttd to be' and
;";t
adoverall, as the initial schedule has been
up
picked
iusted, Eli has been the one whot
wo
every
dinner
.xtra tim., an additional
overweeks during the school year; more
months'
summer
the
nighmduring
"M.r.,*hll.,
much has also remained
five olthem stiliget togetherfor most holito- he'sgot to hustle them out the door'
days,and they evendroveto Tennessee
fh.y'r. on their waY back to Debbiet
family
e.ih.r, l"st iu*-er' to seeold
Tori
now, by a route so well-traveled that
t i..,dr. The Morning Thing, of course'
turn'
to
where
and
can tell him when
goeson like clockwork,asit alwayshas'
From the radio comes another familiar
" Eli
how
know
never
will
Debbie
says'
"rrd
burst of lead guitar. "This is itl" he
different their daughters'liveswould have
Harrison!"
George
"This
favorite
my
is
been if they had stayedmarried' There's
"You can turn it uP as loud as You
no wav,o ,.ll *h", the girls might confide
want, DaddY," Gabrielle tells him'
to an inquiring psychologistwhen they're
He does' and Harrison begins to sing:
20 yearsoid. y., it seemsunlikely-to say^
\X/hat I feel,
they will ever wonder if
ih.'I."r,-,hat
I canlt say
their fatherlovedthem'
time of day
They dowonder, howwer, what it will be
or
like when the other shoe drops, and one
new'
both parentscome home with someone
dri admits to hoping that Debbie and
("but
Eli might get back together instead
says)'
she
ro"'
going
nor
th.yr."p.oirbly
Gabrielle says thar their getting mar.rleg
would be "kind of weird," but she wouldnt
mind. ("It might be cool to have some
keen
new srep-sibling..")Alystt seemsless
herselfl
ler
doesnt
she
.,n rhis ,..nrrio"' bur
("If I
imagine her parents reuniting' either'
it
about
think
might
I
it,
about
tho,ieht
too itr't.h.") Their father has been going
out a bit, but he's told them he doesnt
want to blend any families before they're
in
in college. About their mother's dating'
Z8
24' 2002
gbcbcgtringtonPortmaatinc
I NovElvBER
But my Lue is therefor lou an!
Eli sings along as he waits at a stoPl i g h t , p o ; n d i n g ou r th e r h yth m .o n .th e
,,"..ring *heel. in the back seats'rhe three
giris are quiet'
"
And rell me' whar is mY ltfe
'Vithowt your loue?
And tell me, who-oo am I
lYithout
You
B1lmYstdel
ti. k..p. the volume high until the
song is ou.r. Th.., he steers his daughters
,"f.iy do*rl the back roads to their mother's
houre, steps inside to tuck the younger
ones into bed, says good night' drives
rp
home, setshis alarm for 5:o3-and gets
U
again.
to do it ail over