01 - Cover.indd

Inside:
• AMS fucks up
The Landscape Issue!
GOLDEN WORDS
“As far as I can tell,” I replied,
“It’s the absolute same as a
normal city. I mean, it’s
got fish, underwater cars,
b e a u t i f u l s p a c e wo m e n
wearing plastic shower
I could tell Paulanka was
disturbed by this news, as
my newly implanted mental
node was vibrating. She
liked to do that when she
was upset, knowing that I
hated the painful blackouts
that usually followed.
I looked over at Paulanka,
the saucy yet rebellious tour
guide I’d hired to show me
around the submerged city
of FutureDome. She was as
beautiful as she was a being
of pure energy that fed on
human hearts, and she’d
stolen my heart.
TEN
MINUTES,
b e l l o we d D a r l i n g , t h e
“Darling,” she said.
“How long have we been
together, down here in the
FutureDome?”
caps... I don’t really see
what’s so great about it.”
She had a point. It had
materialized out of pure
thought and was now in a
“That’s almost ten space
years,” Paulanka pouted.
“When will you understand
my need for you to
ack nowl edg e that this
advanced utopian society,
with everything that you
could and ever will want, is
at least slightly better than
your silly doomed surface
world?”
telepathic supercomputer
that governed all of
FutureDomeOne.
“Sam?” The man in acidwa s h e d c o ve r a l l s wa s
looking at me. “Does this
mean we aren’t allowed to
be… friends… anymore?”
I scowled and turned to the
hooligan standing on his
chair. “Listen, Patch-Cord,
I don’t know what the hell
you’re trying to pull here,
but…”
Every dysfunctional voice in
the room spoke in unison:
“A support group!”
One of them jumped on top
of his chair. “Yeah! Rob’s got
a point! And if we were a
group that just happened to
build human pyramids, we’d
be…”
“No! You’d call us a group!”
“Metalmuncher, Fat Bass ,
ZRANGA-ZRANG!... ”
“Well, sure,” I admitted. “You
don’t have floods of Nuclear
GammaBats devouring
every thing in sight at
sunset, and you’re not being
farmed by transdimensional
Superchildren cloned from
the winner of the 2010 Earth
Spelling Bee, but is that
it?”
dangerous position against
my neck.
Damn, they had me there.
NO, Darling blared.
I swear to God, if I get any
say in it, I’m coming back
in my next life as a pigeon
farmer.
“Kay I know you said I
wasn’t supposed to let the
copy editors play propane
fireball in the office anymore
but–”
“What?”
“Don’t get mad.”
“Hello?”
Thankfully, my cell phone
rang. It was Steve, my coeditor at my other job.
I didn’t have an answer for
that. I’d been checking the
FutureNetNews classifieds
for used hover shoes at the
time, and hadn’t caught a
word her multi-dimensional
mouth had said. She
tweaked my mental node
“How about we take a walk
in the park and relax?”
Paulanka said, smiling in
that way that made her
energy flare enough to burn
off my eyebrows. “I hear
the three artificial Suns are
emitting even more ecstasy
rays than normal today.”
Also, Holy Fucking Shit.
Check out pages 4 – 6. The
AMS was actually criminally
negligent.
“What were we talking
about?” I managed to slur
before passing out.
again, causing me to start
foaming at the mouth.
P.S. There’s some AMS stuff on page 4 you might find interesting.
P.P.S. Yeah, I’ve seen Fight Club. Step off.
Metalmuncher spoke again,
his weepy voice laced with
excitement. “Hold on. If
it’s just me and Tom here
hanging out, you’d call us a
couple of guys. But if it were
me, Tom, Zachary, Elliot,
Brian and Michael, what
would you call us?”
“No, not really,” I replied,
massaging my solar plexus.
“I guess you can still see
each other, assuming you are
completely unencouraging
and never talk about stuff
like hope or happiness.”
The man with obnoxiously
large front teeth whom I
affectionately refer to as “The
Sound” looked confused as
he raised his hand. I shook
my head.
“I’m cutting you guys
off cold turkey. No more
help for you. I’m not even
pointing you towards an
exit. Now, scram.”
He looked around the room
with loving, glassy eyes,
and I felt an all-too familiar
warm and tingly feeling
well up inside my chest.
Ugh. I hate heartburn.
softly. Then I resumed
s p e a k i n g . “ Yo u k n o w
how I’ll know that I was
successful at this job? When
I have absolutely no more
clientele.”
My Stay at FutureDomeOne
“Silence, Metalmuncher!”
I put my finger to my lips
The man with the squarest
head raised his hand. “Uh,
isn’t that the whole–“
“Hi, Rocco.” I chimed in,
not looking up. “Okay look,
you guys have got to stop
coming here.”
“Hi, Brian.”
“So, how do you like our
submerged city?”
by Stephen
Editorial
“Well boys, the fact that
you’ve acknowledged that
you need to come to the
group for help certainly says
something.”
“You’re all total failures.” I
sighed. “Rocco, you first.”
I looked around the circle
at the somber pouts of nine
middle-aged men who had
come to attend my Sunday
morning support group. I
guess you could say these
guys were like family to
me. It wouldn’t be true – up
until a couple of weeks ago
I had no idea who the hell
any of them were, and I
only referred to them by the
rock-star names I invented
for them – but you could
still say it, if you really
wanted to.
“H-hey, everybody, my
name is, uh, Brian, and I
came to this support group
because I’m – sob – addicted
to support groups.”
Everyone brightened
slightly.
“Okay, turkeys, let’s get this
meeting started!”
In My Spare Time, I Run a Support Group for People Addicted to Support Groups
by Sam
Editorial
Page 2
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The opinions expressed herein are not necessarily those of the Queen’s Engineering Society nor of
its members. Unless otherwise stated, all submitted material is the property of Golden Words and is
reviewed by the editors in accordance with the 2006-2007 editorial policy, which is available on request.
The editors reserve the right to make final editing decisions. Any complaints or issues regarding the
content of this paper should be forwarded to the editors. All issues will be dealt with within one week.
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Volume XLIII
Issue III
September 17th, 2008
Volume 43, Issue 3
th
OW_Queens-5x7.5-08BW-9.11.indd 1
An Equal Opportunity Employer M/F/D/V
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Thursday, September 18
University Club
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Firm Presentation
9/9/2008 10:49:14 AM
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Friday, September 19th
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Learn more about the fastest growing
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- Aristotle
In the arena of human life the honors and rewards fall to
those who show their good qualities in action.
Wordsday, September 17th, 2008
One of these days, banana farming will prove to be a highly lucrative career.
1
Slimy Gnocchi
One of these days, you will bear witness to some horrible crimes of humanity:
betrayal, poverty, despair, hate, and countless others. This is the same day
you will vow to never watch Jerry Springer again, ‘cause that crap’s pretty
depressing.
One of these days, you’re going to meet a very special, beautiful person who will
change the rest of your life forever. As he or she breezily strolls by, you will find
yourself lost for words. You will find yourself punch-drunk in love. You will
find yourself paralyzed by euphoria, unable to move. You will find yourself in
a hospital bed fifteen years later being told by the on-call that standing in the
middle of the road during rush hour was a pretty stupid thing to do, and you’re
lucky all you got was a coma, partial paralysis and horrible disfigurement, and
what are you, some kind of idiot or something?
One of these days is not like the oth-er, one of these days just does-n’t belong!
One of these days, you will conquer the world, but you and I both know it’s
only because you cheated and switched a bunch of your little horsy armies for
cannon armies when you thought no one else was looking.
One of these days, the world will finally be ready for a massive sociopolitical shift in values, and you will be the one responsible for spreading the
revolutionary fever. Way to go, asshole. You just ruined mankind’s only chance
for change by starting a rubella pandemic.
One of these days, you will give a man a fish, and he will be fed for a day. Then
you will teach the man to fish, and he’ll get really good at it and go on to build
a multi-billion dollar fishing empire complete with a Sunday morning fishing
show, a line of fishing cookware and a summer fishing blockbuster starring
Shia LaBeouf. The man will thus be fed for a lifetime, and you will be bitter
about it forever.
One of these days, you will be touched by a young child in need of warm food
and a loving home, but since your $800 Armani slacks are no place for grimy little
orphan paws, you’ll promptly shake it off your pant leg and continue on your
way toward the all-you-can-eat buffet your boss is hosting at the Hilton.1
One of these days, you will be able to reap the fruits of your labour, but since
you’re going to be a banana farmer, it’ll just mean another day of back-breaking
work.
One of these days, you will truly understand the virtue of patience, but it’s going
to take a really, really, really long time.
(Hopeful Harold returns to Cold War Soviet Russia and gets his raise.)
Great Snacks!
One of these days, you will sow peace on Earth. Well, either that, or peas on
Earth, but who gives a shit about semantics?
One of These Days
Page 3
(Hopeful Harold trips, spilling his MegaSlurp all over NASA’s master control board. All of
America’s satellites spin out of control, crashing into key research and defense facilities.)
Hopeful Harold: (hopefully) Today I’m going to get that raise!
Hopeful Harold
GOLDEN WORDS
GOLDEN WORDS
Volume 43, Issue 3
This room, 030, is the
AMS storage room. It has locked steel
doors designed specifically to keep people away from exactly
the type of documents that were piled outside in beat-up cardboard boxes.
“...THIS IS A BREACH OF
PRIVACY LAWS...”
We will return to the
jokes, comics and other
lies after this story. In fact,
you may skip right ahead
if you’d like. However,
we assure you that the
entire following story is not in any way a joke, prank or hoax.
We’d like to start with a warning. While we are a comedy paper, and rarely if
ever publish anything that could be considered serious, the following story is
completely, absolutely true. Though we generally ignore most serious content
sent to us, this story was far too important to be set aside.
“...the personal information on the
forms had already been filled out...”
We immediately transferred the documents to an
envelope and headed to the JDUC to confirm the story
and let the AMS know what was happening. When we
arrived, we realized it was worse than we thought.
There were six enormous banker’s boxes with payroll
information, investment documents, and a myriad of other information that
should have been kept locked up tight.
The note has been included and can be seen to the
right.
We realized that we were holding confidential, personal
information from dozens of AMS employees. This was
information that we definitely should not have had. It didn’t
become clear why we had it, until we found a note at the
back, written on the backing from a pad of paper.
We tried to check where the information had come from, but
realized that the tracking number on the FedEx package was
from 1996. It was an old envelope that had been re-sealed and
hand-delivered to the office by the sender.
One of our editors opened the package, and was confused to
find that it was full of TD-1 employment forms. Even more
confusing was that the personal information on the forms had
already been filled out, and voided cheques had been stapled
to many of them. We became increasingly worried when we
saw that many of them had things like “Common Ground,”
“TAPS,” and “Postscript Editor” written across the top.
Between Wednesday night and Saturday afternoon, a FedEx
package with no shipping label, addressed only to the editor of
Golden Words,
Words, was dropped in a mail slot at the Golden Words
offices. Before this folder was opened, it was moved to a locked
office for security reasons. We didn’t realize the irony of this
until Sunday evening, when our business manager informed
the editors that they had received a package.
AMS FUCKS UP
Page 4
Close-up of “confidential” TD-1 form.
GW: It’s a bunch of personal information that somebody
sent us. There’s six more boxes of it sitting in a hallway.
AMS: (picks up envelope and glances at the letter without reading
it) What’s this?
GW: (knocking on window) Hey, you need to look at this
envelope.
We waved and pointed for a bit, but were ignored. When we waved more
furiously and knocked on the glass, one of the people on the couches
(henceforth referred to as “AMS representative”) approached. The ensuing
conversation is paraphrased below:
Two GW staffers arrived at the AMS offices. The offices were closed, but we
could see two people sitting on couches inside. We waved and pointed at the
large manila envelope that we had slid under the door. Attached to the envelope
was a letter explaining the contents and how they had been obtained.
Paraphrased Conversation
With the AMS
Wordsday, September 17th, 2008
This is illegal. This is incredibly illegal. Not only
that, but it demonstrates what amounts to aggressive negligence by
whoever is responsible for the handling of personal information for AMS
employees. The AMS fucked up badly enough to warrant a government
investigation.
The boxes stacked in the hallway, with contents clearly
marked on the sides in capital letters.
To their credit, when we returned half an hour later to check up, the boxes
had been moved from the hallway.
This is not fake. This is completely true. This is a very serious breach of security
for what would appear to be every AMS employee who worked during the
May 2007 - April 2008 period.
Page 5
“There’s enough information out there to commit
identity fraud...”
We have no idea how long the boxes were there. It’s
no stretch to say that hundreds of people had the
opportunity for easy access to the contents. In fact, one
person did notice the boxes, opened them, rifled through
the contents and took a handful of TD-1 forms and
voided cheques. Fortunately for the employees, this
person was presumably not a criminal.
We had enough time to go to the JDUC, find the boxes,
photograph them, and argue with an AMS employee
about the reality of the situation without arousing any
suspicion. To make things worse, the boxes were not
exactly hidden in an out-of-the-way location. While we
waited for our photographer to get her camera, several
people passed by (on a Sunday night, no less), and could
easily see that “PAYROLL” was written in large letters
on the side of one of the boxes.
We proceeded to the other door and waited for the rep to come around
and open it for us. Then we explained what was going on,
and offered to show the rep the location of the boxes. (It
should be noted that at this point, the AMS representative
left the office and propped the security door open with a
garbage can so it wouldn’t lock while we were away.)
***
AMS: Oh, okay, go around to the other door.
GW: No, listen, we need to talk to you right now, and not
through the glass.
AMS: Okay, well, we’ll get someone on that.
GW: No, this is serious. There’s enough information
out there to commit identity fraud for like, a hundred
people.
AMS: (frowning) Is this for some sort of weird article you
guys are writing?
“We have no idea how long
the boxes were there...”
GOLDEN WORDS
A: No. The documents had different handwriting, and the
cheques were from different
banks, with different transit/
branch numbers on each cheque.
It would have taken hundreds of
bank accounts and years of work
to fill just one folder with the sort
of forms we found. We found six
enormous boxes filled with folders
in the hallway.
• Sales reports
The payroll box. Note the broken side and
folders spilling out.
• Time Sheets
• Banking Information
• Billing Information
A: We’re not identity thieves, and we’re sure that they’d have a much
better idea of what to do with it than we would. We do know that
with a bit of work, the information on the forms would be enough
to be issued a credit card. Unlike standard credit card fraud, the
thief could have the card associated with a prepaid phone, and could
confirm any suspicious charges. The card would be impossible for
the victim to cancel or report stolen, and he or she wouldn’t even
know they’d been defrauded until the collection agency tracked
them down. At this point, since the card had been obtained with the
victim’s personal information, it would be the victim’s responsibility
to demonstrate that they hadn’t applied for the card themselves.
Q: Is this really a huge deal? What could have happened if a
criminal took the documents?
A: We were a bit puzzled by this as well. Our
best guess is that The Journal is an AMS service,
and the tipster feared that they would try to hush
the story up. However, for all we make fun of The
Journal, we here at GW assume that they’d have
enough integrity to publish the story. (Note: we reach
the stands on Wednesday; The Journal comes out on Tuesday. We
contacted them and they didn’t seem to know anything about it,
so we decided to publish it ourselves; however, if this story was
published in The Journal, please ignore this question.)
Q: Why didn’t the anonymous tipster contact The Journal?
They’re the actual reporters at the university.
“Our best guess is that...the tipster
fearedthattheywouldtrytohushthe
story up...”
Q: Could it have been an elaborate hoax?
• Signatures
• Investment documents
A: No. This is actually, honesty, truly serious.
Q & A Section
• Voided cheques (With transit numbers, branch numbers, etc.)
A: No.
Q: Is this a joke?
Q: Really?
An Abridged List of Some of
the Documents in the Hallway
GOLDEN WORDS
• TD-1 forms (With names, addresses, birth dates, and social
insurance numbers)
Page 6
This is not a joke. This is not a joke. This is not a joke.
A: We did handle the documents sent to us, opened the boxes to confirm the
contents, and photographed one sample as proof of the story. However, we
returned all of the documents, and immediately after returning to the office, we
blacked out the photos, flattened the images so they could not be uncensored,
and destroyed all of the original copies. There is no way that we or anyone with
access to our offices or servers could possibly retrieve any of the information
on the documents.
Q: What about you guys? What did you do with the information?
“[It] would be impossible for the victim
to cancel or report [the card] stolen...”
A folder,
8 to 10cm thick, full of
TD-1 forms and voided cheques from easily more
than one hundred AMS employees. We believe that this is the folder that the
documents delivered to us came from. Also pictured: A thoroughly unimpressed
GW writer.
Volume 43, Issue 3
Wordsday, September 17th, 2008
GOLDEN WORDS
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
Harry Potter Jumps the Shark
Harry Potter Meets the Ghost of Teenage Angst
Harry Potter and the Closet of Dumbledore
Harry Potter and the Tahiti Vacation of Doom
Harry Potter and “The Talk”
Harry Potter vs. Godzilla: THE APOCALYPSE
Harry Potter Sings the Blues
Harry Potter and Dudley’s “Accident”
Harry Potter and the Mystery Tax Forms
Harry Potter and the Curse of Senility
America’s Next Top Snowglobe
Top Ten Titles for an
Eighth Harry Potter Book
Flying Belgian Duck and a Paint Monkey
The Long Term, Large Scale Queen’s Project for the Betterment of the
Students’ Quality of Life
The RMC’s Future Submarine Docking Bay, Queen’s Chapter
The Karen Hitchcock Memorial Centre
A Space for “Stuff ”
The Citadel
The PEC 2.0
Operation Future - NOW!
Napanee University
Megaplex Superawesome
Central West Campus
A Test of Faith
Queen’s Bubble
Jock Harder
The “About Fucking Time” Centre
Future Site of the 2015 Fire
The 2108 Summer Olympics Arena
University of Toronto, Kingston Campus
Top 20 Rejected Project Names for the Queen’s Centre
Page 7
Volume 43, Issue 3
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Offer ends Sept. 30, 2008. Available with valid student card. Available with compatible devices within Bell Mobility high speed mobile network coverage areas. Weeknights Mon-Thur, 9pm-7am; Weekends Fri 9pm-Mon 7am. Other monthly fees, i.e., e9-1-1 (75¢), system access (not a government fee) ($8.95), and one-time device
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Wordsday, September 17th, 2008
GOLDEN WORDS
Page 9
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Page 10
Volume 43, Issue 3
GOLDEN WORDS
Charming Party Man: My sister died last year, you idiot.
Remember? You attended the funeral and made everyone
very uncomfortable by telling her husband he had “bagged
a chesty one” in reference to my grandmother. I don’t think
you were even invited. You just showed up.
(Teenage girl runs off in tears.)
…at cocktail parties
***
Stan: Wait, you still haven’t answered my question!
Police Officer: I’m a MAN. Here’s your speeding ticket. I’ll
see you in court.
Stan: Excuse me, I can’t help but notice your enormous
stomach. Now, instead of asking you when the baby is due,
I’m going to ask you if you are you pregnant because, you
know, if I just assume you’re pregnant that could be awkward.
Maybe you’re just really fat.
…in his car
***
Little Children at the Pet Store: Ohh, ahh!
Pet Store Clerk: This fluffy little puppy is a golden retriever.
He’s only three months old – isn’t he adorable?
…at the pet store
***
Charming Party Man: How does the hors d’oeuvres boy
know everyone’s names?
Stan: Woah, way to bring everybody down, man. I’m outta
here. Hey, Betty, that dress looks really good on you! It
accentuates your boobs like crazy!
(Uncomfortable silence)
Stan: Ha-ha, don’t talk about your sister like that!
Teenage Girl: You stupid jerk! I hate you!
Stan: (calling after her) Hey Millie, we’re still cool, right? Like,
you’re still my girlfriend and everything, right?
Charming Party Man: I was not referring to a racial minority.
I was referring to my brother-in-law’s dog.
Stan: Aw, come on Larry, we all know what racial minority
that bulldog was meant to represent! (Stan winks obscenely
while jabbing Charming Party Man in the ribs.) Funny walk,
slobber, tail…
Charming Party Man: Excuse me, but my joke was not racist,
and I think the joke you are about to tell may be extremely
offensive.
Stan: Oh, if you think that racist joke was funny, you should
hear the one about the Swede, the Dromedary, the Italian
and the fanny pack! Have you heard it? No? Well, a fanny
pack is sitting on a bar stool in Ireland –
Cocktail Party People: (Uproarious laughter)
Charming Party Man: …and that’s when I said, “Not with
a bulldog you don’t!”
Stan: Oh, come on, don’t be like that. Your face gets blotchy
when you cry.
(Teenage girl starts to cry.)
Everyone at the pool: (Uncomfortable silence)
Stan: But why? I’m only pointing out the obvious. I’m sure
everyone here will agree with me. (Stan gestures to the pool
filled with people.) Hey everyone! This girl is fat and hairy, am
I correct? Am I not justified in calling her so?
Teenage Girl: Shut up!
Stan: Hey, I notice that you’re wearing a large baggy t-shirt
over your swimsuit. Is it because of your obvious weight
problem, or because you haven’t shaved your underarms?
I assume you have hairy underarms because you have very
long leg hair.
…at the swimming pool
***
Someone: I think this is kind of uncomfortable and
awkward.
…in general
Stan: High five?
(Silence)
Stan: The sexy kind! High five!
Groom: Father Stanbert! What kind of a minister are you?
Stan: Woah, my bad. Sorry, I was up all night partying at
the stag and doe, and I am completely hung over. (Squints at
bride) Hey, are you the chick I woke up next to? I swear you
look just like her.
Bride: What are you doing? You’re ruining everything!
Stan: (Waking up) Huh? What – what’s going on? Who are
you people?
***
Page 11
(Sick Man flees in disgusted terror. Stanley explodes in a fiery
ball.)
I Hate Dolphins
Stan: Actually, it – oooOOoOh, it’s… it’s happening right
now! Oh, nooooo –
Sick Man: I… I’m sorry to hear that…
Stan: It’s really painful. And scary. Like, one could explode
at any time.
Sick Man: Eh… eeuuugh…
Stan: (Loudly) I have explosive haemorrhoids.
Sick Man: Oh, I just have a really bad cold.
Stan: So, what are you in for?
…at the hospital
(Uncomfortable silence)
Stan: NO. IT IS NOT.
Groom: (Choking back tears of emotion) I do.
Stan: I don’t.
Someone: Uh… I do.
***
… at weddings
Pet Store Clerk: Get out.
Stan: And hamsters.
(More uncomfortable silence)
Stan: Oh, I’m shopping. I like to eat hamster food.
Pet Store Clerk: Then why are you hanging out in a pet
store?
(Uncomfortable silence)
Stan: I don’t think he’s cute. I have a deathly allergy to dogs,
and if I get near one I could have violent seizures, vomit
blood, and die.
Stan Makes People Feel Uncomfortable...
Wordsday, September 17th, 2008
Look at your dog. Is it brown? Is it fluffy? Is it male? All of these elements will come
into play when naming your dog in the proper descriptive manner. If your dog is
ugly, problems could ensue. Get rid of it and start over from step 1.
Ask your mother for her opinion. When she suggests things like “Fluffles,” “Whuffy,”
“Cutsie” and “Sir Moopsy Doody-Pants,” jot them down. Put them down as “names
absolutely not to use.”
Take a nap. You’ve had a long day.
Go to your nearest tough-guy hangout. Good places include the biker’s tavern,
the motorbiker’s tavern, the wrestler’s pub or the Super-Sumo-Smackdown
Laundromat.
Make a scene by waving your arms, hooting, and making rude and crass remarks
about everyone’s mothers. When you are inevitably crushed, get the name of the
guy with the most lethal punch. Save it for later; it’s important.
Stumble home, and play with your loyal furry friend. After you and your housemate
get tired of tossing a Frisbee around, find your dog and christen him. Examples:
“Butch,” “Killer,” “Nailz,” “Bloodaxe,” “Juicy,” etc.
After naming your dog, find the tough guy who beat you up and invite him over
for tea. If he approves of your dog’s name, then its roughness and toughness has
been affirmed.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
The Hairy Pamplemousse & I Hate Dolphins
Obtain dog.
1.
How to Name
a Dog
Page 12
Volume 43, Issue 3
People are always asking me sexy questions about
my sexy car. “Yo,” they query, “what model is your
car?” And I always reply, “Oh, I’d have to say it’s
most like Gisele Bündchen.” I’ll nod definitively
before adding, “Or maybe Milla Jovovich.” And
The aesthetic sexiness of my car doesn’t stop at
mere portraits and words. My car as a whole is a sex
symbol: it’s a heart. Literally. My car exists in the
form of a giant, three-dimensional heart. A giant,
three-dimensional, car-shaped heart.
–Okay, fine, I’ll tell you. I had Marilyn Monroe’s
face professionally painted on the hood, roof and
every door of the car. It cost me, like, $600, but the
power of its subliminal message was totally worth
it. Nothing says “sex” like five giant close-ups of
Marilyn Monroe’s nostrils – except, of course, for
the word “sex,” which I had painted in block letters
on the trunk, just in case people didn’t get it.
People are always telling me how sexy my car
looks. In fact, every once in a while someone
approaches me and tells me that, believe it or not,
some parts of my car remind them of Marilyn
Monroe. To this, I’ll say, “Thanks,” and proudly
pat the hood of my sexy car, smiling slyly on the
inside – and the outside – knowing the secret to
this will stay unknown to the rest of the world
forever.
My sexy car and I can’t cruise
anywhere together without
being chased by other sexybut-less-sexy cars. We try our
best to play hard-to-get, but the
sexiness of my car would make
any living being, car or otherwise,
persistent to the point of success.
Sometimes our pursuers will
turn on flashy lights. Sometimes
they’ll make loud, wooing sirencalls. Sometimes they’ll even
come out of nowhere right in front
You may think a sexy car like mine deserves a
personalized license plate. Well, you’re dead
wrong. My car doesn’t need clever phonetics for the
universe to know it’s hot – the universe knows this
already. Get this: the license plate I was given (at
random!) reads “ADAB 935,” which, if you take out
all of the letters, remove two numbers and add the
sequence, “196823509198124,” is the bar code tag
for the ultra-sexy movie, “Dirty Dancing – Havana
Nights.” Coincidence, or universal fate? I’ll
let you decide (it’s fate).
even though these people clearly ask the question
in a hypothetical sense, I believe my car really
does look like Milla Jovovich. A giant, threedimensional, car-shaped Milla Jovovich.
of us, force us to T-Bone them, and then make a
big show about waving some macho guns and
megaphones around and making me get out of
the car with my hands all up in the air just so they
can give me a ticket that says I have to pay a fine,
which I can only assume is for owning a vehicle
that surpasses the municipal limits of sexy. We (my
car and I) have learned not to take it personally,
though. We understand that love can make people
do crazy things.
Slimy Gnocchi
I Got a Sexy Car
GOLDEN WORDS
Page 13
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accepted. One MY10 update per calendar month is allowed via rogers.com or Rogers Customer Care or on select phones. No credit applied for numbers entered incorrectly. Excludes premium messages (roaming, international, MSN alerts and promotions). 2 A $6.95 monthly System Access Fee
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applicable taxes are extra and are also billed monthly. Pricing is based on subscription to a 3-year term service agreement. Early cancellation fees apply. †Most reliable network claim refers to call clarity and dropped calls test results as conducted by Rogers and a recognized third-party research
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respective owners. © 2008 Rogers Wireless.
GOLDEN WORDS
Volume 43, Issue 3
The owner of the sweating dog could not be reached for
comment.
“I don’t really see what the big deal is,” Mr. Hammersail
said in defence. “Hot dogs are an integral part of summer.
Am I right?”
“Oh my, it was quite a large dog, too. I remember mentioning
to him that he might want to cook two smaller ones; that way,
if he lost his appetite he could put one in a little baggie and
save it for lunch for tomorrow.”
KINGSTON, ON - The charges against local man Audrey
Hammersail, in the case of him eating a dog one hot day
last week, are finally going through. His family member
and lifelong friend, Mama Hammersail, had this to say:
Local Man Eats Dog
Critics have described the building as an “enormous
blunder,” “completely ridiculous,” and “almost as bad as
the Queen’s Centre.” However, none of this has deterred
the Government of China, which hinted at installing a sun
roof over North Korea. To their credit, by encasing the entire
nation in a stone building they will almost certainly keep the
Mongols out this time. When asked where the doors would
be placed, the official in question responded, “Doors? Oh
shit, doors!”
The project was originally planned for the Olympics to keep
the rain off the events but the athletes complained that the
ceiling allegedly “blocked out the sun.” The government
denied they were symbolizing some great malevolent evil
by shrouding the entire country in darkness, saying, “What?
We like the shade!” However, they chose to compromise
by creating a better artificial sky on the Great Ceiling. “It’s
basically like Hogwarts, in that we’re not really sure how it
works,” explained the engineers responsible for designing
the massive project.
BEIJING, CHINA - Representatives of the government of
the People’s Republic of China have announced the planned
construction of an aptly-named Great Ceiling. “We already
have a Great Wall, so we might as well put a roof over our
heads,” said a government official in a stern statement to
the press.
China to Complete Great Building
KINGSTON, ON - An ordinary field trip to the Acme Banned
Chemicals factory became an important training opportunity
for third graders Ghorderius Langevine and Timmy Smith
when a flimsy cover flew off a high-pressure chemical vat.
As the tour guides frantically tried to prevent the children
from rushing headlong into a fountain of cheerfully-coloured
lethal toxins, Langevine, 9, removed a regulation Frisbee
from his backpack and passed it to Smith, 8 ½, who tossed the
Frisbee into place over the vat. “The flow was immediately
staunched by chemical processes we have absolutely no
Local Interest: Schoolboys Save Class
Using “Mad” Frisbee Skills
Langevine was not available for comment, as he was doing
extra chores to pay off the school for their ruined Frisbee.
However, his older sister was heard to say, “So what if he
saved his class from a horrific fate? I’m still not letting him
watch cartoons while House is on.”
On the subject of their heroics, Smith said, “Well, the fifth
graders told us we couldn’t be on their ultimate Frisbee team,
and we were practicing for the day we’d get to show them
up. I guess we did that, so that’s cool. Don’t we get free Oreos
for being heroes, or something?”
understanding of whatsoever,” said Acme public relations
officer Susan Krechen.
Go Dogs, Go!, The Flying Walrus,
Hamartia Delafeegle, and Great Snacks!
When asked how the Earth will continue to survive
without the Sun, Johnson could only reply, “I bet Barack
Obama wouldn’t be able to answer that question!”
To fund this endeavour, the U.S. will be making cutbacks in
health care, education, and social security. A Coalition of the
Solar Unwilling is being formed with high levels of support
expected from vampires, mole-people, and computer science
students. “As far as I see it, the Sun is nothing more than
a flaming ball of gas. It is time for us as a nation to act as
the world’s ‘Pepto Bismol’ and overcome these potentially
catastrophic problems.”
“To learn more about this threat, I have spent the last
several days conferring with my oldest and wisest academic
advisors, elementary school librarian Karen Denomme and
third grade teacher Kevin Vander Woude. We have found
that there are several layers to this ‘Death Star’ referred to
as ‘the Sun,’ and in response to this danger I’m shifting the
national security level to ultra-violet!”
Last Tuesday, Adminstrator of the EPA Stephen Johnson
shocked the world by recognizing the existence of global
warming. In his release, he stated, “Last weekend while I
was working on the ranch, I noticed a certain warmth. Not
the warm fuzzy feeling I normally get from apple pie or
destabilizing nations, but rather a full-body sticky grossness
I have never felt before.”
U.S.A Declares War on the Sun
ABC factory officials declined to comment on the incident.
However, anonymous source Richard T. Martin informed
us that not much could be done about this, as most of
them had their tongues eaten away after last week’s acid
spill.
Meanwhile, the fifth grade ultimate Frisbee league maintains
that they were the real heroes of this incident, claiming, “That
was our lucky Frisbee they swiped. It had our lucky sweat
smeared all over it.”
When asked to explain their choice of destination, the school
said, “How were we supposed to know that a company
called ABC made illegal chemicals? We thought it was the
place where alphabet building blocks come from.”
News of the World
Page 14
40 Clarence Street
Hey first years! Have an interest in student
government, event planning, finances or Sci
Formal? Then come out to your executive
elections happening tonight at 8:00pm in
Stirling B! Many different positions will be
elected including four voting members of
EngSoc council! First Year executive is a
great way to get involved and an excellent
way to meet people. If you have friends
running or want to run yourself, please
come out and vote!
FIRST YEAR EXECUTIvE
ELECTIONS TONIGHT!
We are looking for Stack, Electrical and
Safety Managers. If interested E-mail us
at [email protected]
QUEEN’S FUEL CELL TEAm IS
HIRING FOR EXEC POSITIONS
QPID is hiring!
Apps due Wednesday 24th
[email protected] for details
QPID’s GM Info Session
5:30 Wednesday 17th Stirling B
QPID’s Chili-fest
6:00 - 7:30 Sunday 21st
QPId
613-542 3900 classicvideo.ca
Over 25,000 DVD & Blu-ray
movies available to rent.
KINGSTON’S FAVOURITE
VIDEO STORE
Do you want to make an impact on how
engineers learn here at Queen’s?
Well you definitely can! JOIN THE
SEED COMMITTEE! SEED (Students for
Engineering Education Development)
works to make engineering education
here at Queen’s super awesome and
ridiculously cool!
SEEd COmmITTEE IS HIRING!
In a band? Comedy show? Clark Hall
Pub will be hosting weekly live acts and is
looking for awesome gigs. Please contact
Chris Toller, Entertainment and Marketing
Manager, at clark.marketing@engsoc.
queensu.ca for more information.
CLARK HALL PUB IS SEEKING
YOUR TALENT!
REAL
THIS IS FOR
Wordsday, September 17th, 2008
The Information Technology Office
is looking for volunteer Computer
Managers. Apply by sending an email to
[email protected] with your name,
qlink and paragraph on why you think
you would be a good computer manager
or a future direction for engsoc IT.
COmPUTER mANAGER HIRING!
Want to get involved this year? Of
course you do! The External Relation
Committee is hiring! You’ll get the
opportunity to work with other great
individuals to plan fun events for
students and around the community.
You’ll get a chance to design a float
for the Santa Claus parade, plan and
run activities for National Engineering
Week, help others develop important
career and job-finding skills, organize
industry tours, all the while gaining
great experience and having fun.
Applications available online at www.
engsoc.queensu.ca/ Or in the EngSoc
lounge! Due Thursday, September 25th.
Email Emily at [email protected].
ca or Kunal at [email protected] for
more info!
EXTERNAL RELATIONS
COmmITTEE IS HIRING!
Rugby is starting up again for the 2008
season! EngRugby is a recreational
team for men and women of any faculty
or experience level to come out and
play rugby for the love of the game.
This year, games are scheduled against
several schools, including McMaster
and Carleton, as well as U of T who
we play for the Lady Godiva Cup.
There is no cost to join, and only minor
travel expenses. NO EXPERIENCE IS
NECESSARY and students from ANY
faculty and year are welcome!
EngRugby practices will be held
Tuesdays and Thursdays from 5:30 to
6:30. Email [email protected]
for more information.
EngRugby 2008 Season is
Starting!
A long, long time ago, in a universe
centered only a few short blocks away
from its present location, a few old men
and an escalating population of bored
teenagers decided it was time to share
their knowledge and solve the mysteries
of the world. That is to say, nearly two
centuries ago the people of the ‘New
World’ decided that the time had come
to set up a college in Kingston, Upper
Canada. A commission was sent out
to attract some funding, and a petition
was sent to Queen Victoria to gain her
permission. On October 16, 1841, for less
money than the cost of this year’s tuition
into Applied Science, Queen’s became a
university! The first class had ten students,
but by 1854 the student population was
up to a whopping 31. The principal and
trustees were hopeful though, or maybe
the land was just cheap near the prison,
but that same year the current location
was purchased and new faculties started
to develop. 1853-54 also saw the debut of
the Medical Department, and in 1891 the
School of Mines and Agriculture (the
first engineering department) opened. By
1902 Queen’s had a student population
of 853 and faculties of Arts, Theology,
Law, Medicine and Applied Science.
Now Queen’s is in its 166th year, and has
over 20 500 students and eight different
faculties!
the Archivist
IN THE BEGINNING
HISTORY CORNER
Computer Managers are responsible for
physical assets and the performance and
stability of all our systems. Computer
Managers work with EngSoc’s website,
clubs, groups, and services that run
under the Engineering Society. Only
minimal experience is necessary. You
can gain experience in many areas of
information technology that will help in
resume building and future career paths.
If this sounds like something you might
be interested in apply today! Questions
about the positions should be directed to
[email protected].
GOLDEN WORDS
and receive
a FREE
FIT KIT*
+GST
299
*Must be 18 years of age or older with a valid student ID. Platinum and platinum plus clubs excluded. Membership expires 8
months from date of purchase. Offer ends September 30th, 2008. Other restrictions may apply, see club for details.
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ONLY
Join Today!
STUDENT SPECIAL
PERSONAL/
IMPERSONALS
Dear Isabel,
Why am I still wearing pants?
Dress me, Andrew
Dear TIFRs,
Hey! Save some space for the other guys!
Do you really need eight exclamation
marks to make your point?!!!!
Love, Vickers
Page 15