TIN HATS OF PHILADELPHIA

Volume IV
The
January 2013
Tin Hats of Philadelphia
historian’s report for 2012
“associated with the electrical industry since 1935”
What to Read:

Golf Committee Quandary:
Medenteconk—Is it
contagious?

The Sieve reels in four
new suckers to shore up
Associate ranks.

Historian’s History Lesson:
Courses that hosted The
Hat
Page 2



Page 2
Page 3
Handicapper warns those
who will pay the price
Page 3
Tin Hat’s adult film past
investigated
Page 5
Has Bob Powell been
cloned?
Page 5
Inside this issue:
Trophies & Prizes
2
Cash Can:
2
Holiday wine gift bags
from Two Buck Chuck
wow the members
Avoids fiscal cliff with
shrewd investments
in Greek Bonds.
Brokeback at Backbrook
Jerry Powell comes back
from Backbrook with
The Seat and a sore ass
2012 Iron Hat
Tin Hat Trio share
award after posting
perfect seasons
The Putter Exchange
Satisfied customer tells
tale of a customer
focused business
Where’s Boom Boom?
Disappearance after
Llanerch raises concern
of injury or kdinapping
The Crowli Lama:
Gives insights to the
mysteries of the
Tin Hat Universe
Another Orderly Transition:
3
3
3
4
5
The passing of the gavel was smooth
and orderly as Larry Low congratulates new High Hat Bob Duff, the
77th Tin Hat to hold the title.
RON SETS PACE AT TIN HAT CHAMPIONSHIP
CLAIMS THE HAT FOR 2ND TIME
Ringoes, NJ — It was a relatively tiny field of contenders
that vied for The Hat on the rolling hills of The Ridge at
Back Brook. Only 21 Tin Hats and 6 Associates made the
trek to grapple with a course most
were seeing for the very first time.
Recent winners familiar with the
championship pressure like Armour, Deese and Goodwin
seemed to be liking their odds. At
the other end, you could here the
sound of tightening sphincters as
Appealing Odds and
previous holders of The Seat like
Sphincter Cramps
reigning holder Larry Low, Crowly
and McGrogan surveyed the course and recognized the
risks of a small field.
Paired with defending champ Ed Gilmore, historian Booger
MacFarland and up and comer Lloyd Jones, Ron Pace
displayed the stoic calm of a
Complete Retrofit
seasoned vet and former
champion. He knew the
competition would be stiff.
Although it took him four
strokes to get to the green on
the par four #3 starting hole,
he quickly demonstrated his
scrambling skills by dropping
Stoic Pace With Foursome
a 15 footer to salvage a bogey. After that confidence builder, he was off to the races
with a hot putter and an near error free round.
McGrogan, Duff, Brown and Jerry Powell were called forward.
One by one, they were
allowed to sit down until
only Jerry Powell stood
alone ready to receive his
punishment. (Full story Page 3).
Then it was time to anLow And The Seat Five Finalist
nounce the winner of the
hat. Again the top five contenders John Schaffer, Mark
Deese and Bill Walker were called to the front along with
Orio, Pace and reigning champ
Ed Gilmore. Counting his cookies before they were baked, The
Cookie Man was all laughs as he
yucked it up with the other finalists anticipating the big announcement.
Among the first to be asked to sit
down was a tuned up and clearly
unhappy
Mark Deese. “The fix is in!”, shouted the
angry Deese. “No one wants to see a
light bulb salesman get what’s coming to
him. Screw you all.” Fortunately, the
outburst was quelled by shoving another
drink in Deese’s hand, while several were
heard whispering under their breath, “I’m
sure glad that jackwagon didn’t win again.”
Yucking It Up With Finalists
Then it got down to the final two. That’s
Conspiracy Theorist
Out ahead of him “The Cookie Man” Tom Orio had to deal when Bill Goodwin announced that Ron
Pace
was
with the putting demons that still haunted from last year at
the winner of The Hat with a net
Aronimink where his putter accounted for about 50 of his
64, edging out runner up Orio
stokes. But after completing the first four holes, 2 over par,
by one stroke. Pace looked
it was clear that the yips would not be a factor today. As
completely surprised as reignthe cool afternoon continued each man was putting togething champ Ed Gilmore congrater one of their best rounds of the year. Without a leader
ulated the new champ for the
board to track the other’s score, they each kept plugging
second time in his career while
away scrambling for pars and salvaging single bogies with
the crowd greeted him with
tight chips and dropping those short putts when it counted.
applause and congratulatory
handshakes.
By the time they finished and headed to the bar, all the
Surprised New Champion
chatter was about Orio and his reported net 65. Sporting a
That’s when it started to get
big smile and flashing his uncomfortable. Unable to take the
projection to those
crushing loss, Orio just stood there
around him, The Cookie whimpering like a three year old
Man was all giggles and that had just pooped his pants at
a picture of confidence.
an Easter dinner. “It’s not fair. It’s
“He was buying everyone just not fair.”, boohooed the blubthat walked up to the bar bering loser. “This was sup-pa-paa free drink”, observed
posed to be ma-ma-my year.” As
Kevin Dare, “The SOB
he slowly shuffled back to his
was acting like he had
chair, it was clear that for the secthe winning Powerball
ond year in a row, The Cookie Man
ticket.”
had crumbled.
Cookie Man Flashing Confidence
Meanwhile, the always
Pace remained humble as Gilmore
restrained Pace remained low key on his performance. As crowned him with The Hat for the
a 23 year Tin Hat, he knew the risk of making the golfing
second time in his career. Always
Blubbering Loser
gods angry by counting your victories
respectful of the importance of the
before all the tallies had been complettitle, only a few in the room knew that this could have been
ed. When anyone asked him how he
Ron’s third title. Back in 1989 in his first year as a Tin Hat,
did, he gave the patented reply, “I
Ron was declared the winplayed pretty good, how about you?”
ner of The Hat. When inNever revealing his hand, Ron used
formed of the pending anthe “Mum’s the word” strategy.
nouncement, he told the
awarders that his handicap
By the time dinner was over, handicaphad been artificially inflated
per Goodwin and new High Hat Duff,
due to his limited rounds as
had completed their tallies and were
a Tin Hat. He requested
preparing to announce the day’s winthat they defer to the next in
ners and losers. After going through
line. This day Ron’s good
Mum’s The Word
the perfunctory committee reports, it
deed was rewarded.
came time to make the big announcements. The Seat
contestants were first. The five highest net scorers Crowly,
New Champion Is Crowned
The Golf Committee Report
After a spectacular year in 2012, the Golf Committee has once again worked their
magic for 2013. In 2012 the Golf Guys paved the way to three first time venues.
First was the picture perfect course and equally spectacular weather at Lloyd Jones’
home course Lehigh CC. Next was a trip to the landscaped master piece at the Ace
Club that was made even more difficult with 30 mph winds and occasional showers.
Then the cherry on top was playing for The Hat on the beautiful sloping hills at The
Ridge at Back Brook. This year’s schedule is once again a perfect formula of the
traditional, the classics and the new. The two annual traditions of Moselem and
Rolling Green remain on this years schedule. This year will mark the 70th time the
Tin Hats will have played Rolling Green making it the by far our favorite venue. We
will also be returning to some old favorites at Little Mill, Sunnybrook and Squires. In
addition, we will be making our first return to Hartefeld National since the course
opened in 1996. But just like last year, the golf committee has found three first time
venues for our delight. First we will play the relatively new links style course RiverCrest GC & Preserve which features some long carries and a lot of tall fescue.
Second, Lloyd Jones worked his magic to get us a chance to play the classic Lancaster CC. And finally, pulling another rabbit out of his cash can, Larry Low will be
hosting us at Metedeconk National GC. For those with suspicious minds, the Golf
Committee wants to assure everyone that Metedeconk is not a venereal disease. It
is a Robert Trent Jones course that can be more painful that the clap and has the
potential to scare the bejesus of the most stalwart low handicappers. Finally, if
you’re planning to play for The Hat, you better start practicing your shots from awkward lies because we are headed back to the billy goat hills of Huntingdon Valley
CC to play for The Hat. This will be the 9th time The Hat has been contested at
HVCC. The last two active members to win The Hat at HVCC were George Lyngarkos (2001) and George Henisee (2009). The last two Snaggers of The Seat at
HVCC were George Henisee (2001) and Jeff Beiter (2009).
Clear your calendars and lock down these dates!
April 17th
May 14th
June 6th
June 26th
July 17th
August 12th
August 27th
September 17th
October 3rd
November 1st
Little Mill CC
Hartefeld National
Moselem Springs GC
RiverCrest GC
Sunnybrook GC
Lancaster CC
Rolling Green GC
Metedeconk National GC
Huntingdon Valley CC
Squires GC
(Host Joe Henry)
(Host Kevin O’Rourke)
(Host Steve Schneider)
(Host Dave MacFarland)
(Host Jeff Siegfried)
(Host Lloyd Jones)
(Host Donald Brown)
(Host Larry Low)
(Host Bob Duff)
(Host Donald Brown)
If you have ideas for future golf venues or are interested
in hosting an event, contact our incredible Golf Committee Co-Chairs Ron Pace & Don Brown with assistance
from Golf Guy Emeritus Jeff Siegfried.
The Golf Committee shall select the Golf Clubs and Hosts and schedule the Golf Meetings
for the calendar year. Tin Hat By-Laws D—2
The Sieve—Membership Committee
The Handicap Committee Report
Everyone held their breath as Handicapper Bill Goodwin laid out the year
end handicaps. “It’s time we find out who’s been naughty and nice. I
know we are all happy for Lloyd Jones winning both the Low Net and
Low Gross awards for his efforts at The Ridge at Backbrook. But with
those awards comes a handicap of 1.4. Chimed the Handicapper,
“Lloyd, I don’t think you will be winning any more awards anytime soon.”
Ron Pace and Tom Orio will also be paying the price for those great
rounds in 2013. Ask Larry Low how quickly a great round one year can put you in
contention for The Seat the next.
Rick Armour—18.5
Gene Biben—20.0
Tim Cooney—5.8
Mark Deese—10.0
Jim Goldhorn—TBD
Dave Harnitchek—16.9
Bob Lane—TBD
Charlie MacDonald—36
Harry Miller—21.8
Mike Pisacreta—14.9
John Schaffer—8.8
Mike Sullivan—20.5
Jack Beiter—31.4
Jim Bogan—18.2
Bruce Crowly—24.1
Bob Duff—28.2
Bill Goodwin—16.4
George Henisee—25.6
Larry Low—17.7
Dave MacFarland—13.2
Kevin O’Rourke—19.9
Bob Powell—20.4
Steve Schneider—14.2
Bill Walker—22.2
Jeff Beiter—35.7
Don Brown—24.2
Mike Cucinotta—7.8
Al Friscia—18.4
Jack Graham—24.7
Joe Henry—17.6
Ray Low—32.3
Hugh McGrogan—25.7
Tom Orio—23.4
Brendan Powell—15.6
Jeff Shewman—TBD
Ron Zemnick—4.6
Peter Bellwoar—9.1
Jeff Condinho—11.5
Kevin Dare—13.2
Ed Gilmore—19.2
John Grozier—TBD
Lloyd Jones—1.4
George Lyngarkos—13
Pat Melvin—20.4
Ron Pace—16.3
Jerry Powell—12.7
Jeff Siegfried—4.1
This committee shall collect scores from the players at all golf meetings. They shall establish and publish handicap lists per
accepted regulations for each golf meeting. Tin Hat By-Laws D—3
Trophies and Prizes Committee
The general consensus of the membership was that
the Trophies & Prizes Committee is starting to make
a bit of a comeback. A few high end bottles of liquor
were clearly visible. “I saw a bottle of Jamieson’s, but
still no Bushmills”, noted Jerry Powell, “Not that it
matters, I know I will get stuck with some cheap loser
Prizes
award along with The Seat anyway.”
Trophies
The committee tried to mask their wine selections, by putting
them in gift bags and hoping that the afternoon alcohol consumption would blur the selection skills of their assumed victims. It
was hard to tell if it worked. Jeff Siegfried could hardly mask his
feint excitement with his wine grab bag. “I know my wines, and I
can say with authority that an ’09 bottle of Chaddsford Merlot is
every bit as good as a ‘59 Lafite Rothschild.”
At the low end and an obvious attempt to throw
Jack Beiter a cheap bone, there was a jar of Penn
Fine Wine Connoisseur
State blue & white tees. When his time came,
Jack did his duty and took the tees, but was heard cursing the committee under his breath on the way back to his table, “Those assholes
set me up. I had to pass up on a bottle of Bankers Club scotch for two
bucks worth of lousy tees!”
Hat winner Ron Pace was clearly under
whelmed with his wine basket award.
Threw Beiter A Bone “Looks like they did their shopping at Two
Buck Chuck’s,” grumbled the champ and oenophile, “I guess
I can pawn it off to my in-laws when they come over for
Christmas. The committee had one special award for Lloyd Jones. At The Ridge
at Backbrook Lloyd shot a two over 74 and
Fine Wines From Trader Vic’s?
had a net 62. This would won him The
Hat, but as an Associate, he was ineligible. That
score was both low gross and low net for the
year. He was awarded a picture of The Hat and
a six pack of PBR. “Wow!”, exclaimed Jones, “I
can’t wait to guzzle a few of these babies down
while watching the upcoming season’s premier of
Would Be Winner Jones Swamp People.”
Not everyone was dumping on the prize guys. Kevin Dare thought
the idea of vodka in a plastic bottle had its merits. “If you really get
a jag on, you don’t have to worry if you accidentally drop it,” offered
Dare, “It’s not only safety conscious, it’s also recyclable.”
The Sieve had one of those years when the fish just
aren’t biting. After a 2011 bumper crop of six new associates, the Sieve could only reel in two new Associates in
2012 and two more in January of 2013. The newest 2012
rookies are John Grozier of Eaton Corporation who was
sponsored as a Supplier Associate by Gene Biben and
Jeff Shewman of Schneider Electric who was sponsored
as a Contractor Associate by Peter Bellwoar. In early
Grozier
Shewman
2013 the Sieve added Jim Goldhorn, of Goldhorn Electrical Construction who was sponsored as a Contractor
Associate by Jeff Siegfried and Bill Goodwin sponsored
Bob Lane of Brazill Brothers as a Supplier Associate.
The Sieve also announced that Tom Norris and Rich Mento and were going to join the ranks of the departed. Their
retirements to Inactive Retired along with existing openLikes Plastic Bottles
Goldhorn
Lane
ings, opened the door to escalate Associates Mike
This committee shall select and award prizes at the final golf meeting of the year, for all “Active” and “Active
Retired” Members, as budgeted by the Cash Can. Awards to be selected by the attending members in order of
Cucinotta of Billows Electric and Brendan Powell of Kunz Powell to fill two open
lowest
net
scores.
Active
and
Active-Retired
Members
not
attending
shall
be
awarded
remaining
prizes
later.
Tin
Hat By-Laws D—4—a
Supplier positions. In addition, Al Friscia of J. P. Rainey and Tim Cooney of Nelson
B. Cooney to fill the two open Contractor positions
.The Sieve has also adopted a trial policy for Associates with long tenure. “An AssoThe Cash Can’s Report
ciate Member will become a Vested Associate Member after four years, with acceptable The Cash Can presented his annual report to the membership at
attendance as determined by the Sieve and participation if an Active Membership is not the Holiday Luncheon. Everyone was nervous to hear how the
available. A Vested Associate Member will have the right to qualify and play for The
financial cliff would impact our finances.
Hat and The Seat. All other conditions of the by-laws for Associate Member will apply.”
“Not to worry”, said the always flashy
Larry Low decked out in his holiday finest
Incoming
Outgoing
white lynx coat and matching hat trimmed
The Sieve shall review and select proposed new members to fill any
with real leopard skin. “I have been getvacancy in the Active Membership. They shall poll all the Active
ting great returns on our investments. I
Members to determine the best qualified and most eligible candigot a steal on some Greek Bonds that are
date. After their decision they shall notify the proposing member,
paying almost 10%. I have another deal
the Tin Typer, the Cash Can, and the membership at the next
working with a Nigerian who has the
meeting. Tin Hat By-Laws C—4—b
Larry Low a.k.a. Cash Daddy
inside scoop on a recently deceased Tin
High Hat’s Disapproval
Hat that left a small fortune that could be used to enhance our
The Historical Committee Report
The Tin Hats 77th year ended with several new records added to our archives. Ron endowment. All we need to do is front him some cash to get things rolling.” He apparPace became the eighteenth Tin Hat to win The Hat at least two times. Jerry Powell ently went over the line when he asked that he be referred to as The Cash Daddy for all
his hard work. New High Hat Bob Duff quickly poo-pooed the idea. “We all respect
got to initial The Seat for the first time and Lloyd Jones became the first to win the
low gross and low net award in the same year since 2002 when Rich Mento did it at Larry and his years of service, but he is clearly more whacked out than his old man.”
Talamore.. Outside of Tin Hat sanctioned events, Steve Schneider and Mark Deese Treasurer—to be known as “Cash Can” shall serve for renewable yearly terms upon nomination and election by the Active Members at
the final golf meeting of the year. He shall be responsible for all finances of the Tin Hats, subject to approval of the High Hat. He shall
each had their first hole-in-ones this past year at Moselem Springs.
maintain an interest-bearing checking account, with signature authorized by either himself or the High Hat. He shall pay all legitimate Tin
Historical—This committee shall keep detailed records of all Tin Hat activities, (including dates and
Hat bills. He shall send bills to members attending meetings in accordance with details supplied by the meeting Hosts. He shall present
pictures) of members, golf clubs, trophy winners, officers, special events, etc. These records shall be
periodic “Cash Can Reports”. At the annual Christmas Party he shall give a detailed accounting of the past year’s financial accounting of
past
year’s financial activities and submit a recommendation for the oncoming years dues and budget for approval of the Active Memavailable for the inspection at the convenience of the committee and the members. The Historian is
bers.
He shall then send bills to all Active Members for yearly dues. He shall levy and collect all assessments in accordance with the Byresponsible for insulting, harassing and generally pissing off all past, present and future Tin Hats &
Laws. He shall notify the Tin Typer of any member not meeting attendance requirements. Tin Hat By-Laws C-3
their guests. Tin Hat By-Laws D—8
.
Jerry Powell’s
Brokeback at Backbrook
Norris
E. Thomas, Tin Hat 2009—2012
After more than two weeks nursing a nasty case of pneumonia, Jerry Powell picked
a bad day and a tough course to make his golfing comeback. By the time this grizzled old golfing warrior crawled back to the club house, it was clear that The Ridge
at Backbrook felt more like The Ridge at Brokeback. “Man, I really got it stuck up
my ass today.” lamented a dejected Powell. “ It felt like I got my Big Bertha driver
and a dozen Pro-V’s shoved up there!”
Even his old standby, magic elixir Bushmills couldn’t help this Tin Hat war horse
ease the pain he experienced up on Brokeback Mountain. When he finally limped off
the course, a hot shower and a
good seat at the bar started to ease the pain. “I started to
feel a little better once I got a chance to drown my sorrows”, reflected the beaten man. “By the time we sat
down for dinner, I wasn’t feeling much pain.” But, sadly for
Jerry, all that changed after dinner. “That’s when I got to
re-enact the Ned Beatty role in Deliverance. In front of
everyone, Larry Low pinned that god damned seat to my
Ned Beatty Re-Enactment
ass. All I could do was squeal like a pig.”
When asked what was his downfall, Jerry was quite candid. “Driving, long irons, short irons, sand, chipping,
putting, you name it. When I got up today, I was still feeling like shit and thought about staying home. But it’s
for The Hat and I knew I had to give it a shot. It never dawned on me that I might snag that damned Seat. It was
a hard lesson to learn.”
Larry Low knows the pain that only the cursed ring of shame can bring. “It like having one
of those Mike Tyson facial tattoos. You feel everyone is staring at you. You just can’t wait
to make it go away.” Low
was unsympathetic to Jerry’s cause, “Yeah, I stuck to
Jerry’s ass the same way
McGrogan stuck it to me.
Nobody wants to hear your
whining. Just bend over and
4X Took It Like A Man
take it like a man! Beiter
had it done to him four times and you don’t hear
The Shame Feels Like A Tyson Tattoo
him complaining. If Jerry’s lucky, he’ll get to
shove it up someone else’s ass next year. “ Low drove home his point, “How would you like to be Bob Bauer
who had to suffer the humiliation of back to back Seats in 1991-92. That poor bastard had to shove it up his own
ass. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.”
If there was any salve for Jerry’s aching hemorrhoids, it
is that fact that eleven different seat holders have also
won The Hat. Even three time Hat winners Leon Attarian
and Bob Davis had to suffer the ignominy of donning The
Seat. So there is some hope for you. Just hang in there
Jerry. The sun will come out tomorrow and shine on your
sore ass! (Maybe)
Historian’s History Lesson:
Courses That Hosted The Hat
The Golf Committee has traditionally put a lot of thought into the
selection process for a course that is worthy of the battle for
The Hat. Unless your name happens to be Ray Low and you been
around for most of these events, you are likely unfamiliar with
the history of these courses. In 2013 as we head back for the
ninth time to Huntingdon Valley to vie for The Hat, it is time to
check the records on the other courses that have been selected
as worthy of our championship. Below is a little chart that
details the twenty one courses that had been chosen to host our
seventy seven previous championships.
Aronimink (12)
Whitemarsh Valley (12)
Manufacturers (11)
Huntingdon Valley (8)
Waynesborough (8)
Sunnybrook (4)
Bala (2)
Cedarbrook (2)
Moselem Springs (2)
Overbrook (2)
Philadelphia CC (2)
Torresdale-Frankford (2)
Rolling Green (2)
Hartefeld National (1)
Kennett Square (1)
Lulu (1)
Plymouth (1)
Saucon Valley (1)
St. Davids (1)
The Ridge at Back Brook (1)
White Manor (1)
In Memoriam
Dime A Dozen
After waiting for many years to finally become an Active Tin Hat, the pressure of
hitting the big time proved too much for Tom
Norris. The John McSorley sponsored protégé succumbed to the weight of trying to top a
Jack Beiter joke and the fear of snagging The
Seat. “When he finally got to the big leagues,
he folded like a cheap suit,” lamented High
Hat Bob Duff during Norris’ eulogy at the
Holiday Luncheon. “but fortunately, Suppliers are a dime a dozen.”
Mento
Richard F., Tin Hat 1981—2012
The Cable Guy
After 31 years and serving as the most senior
Active Tin Hat, Rich “The Cable Guy” Mento
joined the ranks of the retired. A fierce competitor with a killer smile, Rich suffered from
bouts of constipation that often made him
appear irritable and hid his kind inner heart
and warm personality. He served as High Hat
in 1994 and won the low gross award twice
and the low net once. Among his many contributions Rich sponsored Golfer Emeritus Jeff
Siegfried.
Putter Exchange
Testimonial
This past summer I was in a putter dilemma. White
Hottie, my Odyssey White Hot #5 putter, developed a
lump under her insert. It wasn’t cancer, but it was
enough to
impact her
consistency. I
considered
insert enSports A
hancement
Huge Putter
surgery, but
those fake
inserts just don’t feel the same as
natural ones. I couldn’t just throw her away or leave her at the local
miniature golf course to be banged and abused by some 8 year old on a
sugar rush. Then I remembered hearing about The Putter Exchange
(TPE), Jeff Siegfried’s gift to golfers who suffer from putter angst.
Three Share Iron Hat Award Sporting a huge putter inventory of 250-300 new and vintage putters, I
was hoping that TPE might have the same or similar model.
Brown, MacFarland & Pace Go 8 for 8
The hardcore regulars continued to set My inquiry to TPE was greeted with a warm response, “Pretty sure we
the attendance standard for Tin Hats.
have a supple, wanton and slightly slutty version of White Hottie that
The Golf Committee apparently liked
might be willing to pull a few tricks for you.” Within a few days a box of 6
the venues they had chosen for the
putters shows up at my door. Two weeks later another box with 7 more
year. The committee chairmen Ron
show up. It was almost overwhelming. Odysseys, Scotty Camerons,
Pace and Donald Brown came to play
Pings, blades, mallets, offsets, you name it. After several rounds, I cozied
with both having perfect attendance.
up to an Odyssey #1 White Hot blade putter. She was every bit the slut
For Brown, it was his third straight year that I was promised that was more than willing to pull tricks all day. After
of perfect attendance. Dave “Booger”
one round where she went down on four birdie putts, I knew I had found a
MacFarland continued his dominating
new soul mate.
five year streak of perfect attendance.
Now that he has retired, it appears that When I showed up at Omni Cable to return an arm full of putters, the
young fellow who greeted me obviously had seen the drill before. Without
the streak will continue for the indefimissing a beat, he blurted, “Putter Exchange? Down the hall, last office
nite future. This year’s runner’s up
on your left.”
were Bruce Crowly, Mark Deese, Bill
Goodwin and Larry Low who each went
But the story does not end there. Christmas
7 for 8.
Eve, another box shows up at my door. Inside
was a Christmas card from The Putter Exchange along with a brand new putter cover.
The card read, “The Putter Exchange never
forgets its clients”. It was the kind of customer service you only expect at the Ritz Charlton.
Christmas Surprise
I am sure St. Andrew, the patron saint of golfers, would bless The Putter Exchange!
1st Time
3rd Time
5th Time
A Satisfied Customer
The Rookie Report
With a recent fresh crop of Associates in the fold, it is time to give them their grades and feedback. The Associates were graded by various Active & Active Retired Tin Hats. All were graded in seven areas: 1) Ass Kissing 2) Golf Game 3) Attentiveness 4) Tangibles/
Intangibles 6) Galactic Karma 7) Attendance In establishing the rating panel we tried to assure we had balance, depth and strong opinions.
No mealy mouthed “Good Guy” comments. We wanted individuals that enjoy providing a good kick in the groin. With that intro our esteemed panelists are:
Ray “Old Wrinkly Ass” Low
55 Tin Hat Years
Expertise: Having Ass Kissed
Jeff “Mr. Golf” Siegfried
16 Tin Hat Years
Expertise: Golfing Skills
Mark “Ketel One” Deese
18 Tin Hat Years
Expertise: Attentiveness
Hugh “Mr. Intangible” McGrogan
13 Tin Hat Years
Expertise: Tangibles/Intangibles
Judges Commentary—Jeff Condinho
Has yet to properly kiss the ass of his elders, although the mustache has some
tickling appeal. Jeff is a big hitter that can bomb ‘em with the best, but gets the
yips the closer his ball is to the hole. Always willing to grab a drink for others.
Jeff’s tangibles are almost intangible, which makes him a rare find, His clean
shaven top gives off great karma and could be mistaken for one of the Galilean
moons found around Jupiter or Saturn. Seems to have joke potential, but a little
reluctant to let one rip. Had a decent attendance, but just below the four meeting
minimum.
ED
OT VE
M
TI
O
PR AC
TO
Bill “Kookaloo” Krause
32 Tin Hat Years
Expertise: Galactic Karma
D
TE E
O
V
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Judges Commentary—Al Friscia
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Judges Commentary—Pat Melvin
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Judges Commentary—Mike Sullivan
Mike early willingness to hear Razor Ray’s Viagra tale at the holiday luncheon,
earned him early suck up marks. He can occasionally get hot on the golf course,
but putts like a blind man. Knows how to work the room and keep the glasses
filled. His high spirit and laugh are the kind of intangibles that make him a great
playing partner. His politics are rumored to be left of Nancy Pelosi so his karma
resonates like a Barney Frank pulsar in the Flaming Liberal Galaxy. Very good
attendance, especially given his home in central New Jersey, shows the guy is a
real gamer.
Judges Commentary—Tim Cooney
Pretty boy with an Irish smirk that knows his position. Along with kissing the Blarney Stone, he know how to kiss the crinkled buttocks of his seniors. A low handicapper that can clean your clock. His Boy Scout image has several Tin Hats comparing
him to be “The Next John Shaffer”, but there is a bit of a devil underneath the
cherub face that has the Irish predisposition to the bottle. Don’t let his quiet charm
fool you. He has the kind of vibe you can only find in the Kilarney Klusters of the
Conundrum Galaxy. Couldn’t tell a good joke if there was a gun at his head. But a s
solid citizen that is a regular attendee.
The newest kind on the block, John has paid respect to the appropriate asses when
given the opportunity. A decent golfer, has the young family that limits his rounds.
Needs to hustle a few more drinks to the regulars to up his value. As a newbee,
getting us into a club we haven’t visited would raise his tangible stock. He has an
Andromeda strain of karma that is very contagious. However kid, a joke is defined
as “something said or done to evoke laughter”. Try it sometime. For a new guy, this
kid has shown a lot of promise and has been a regular attendee.
You gotta’ love the Bow Tie Guy. Although he is no spring chicken, he knows how
to kiss even the most wrinkled ass. After his smoking round at The Ridge, he could
be a real threat to Mr. Golf as the lowest Tin Hat handicapper. As a Lyngarkos
sponsored protégé, the man knows a good drink and can tell some great jokes.
Screw intangibles, let’s talk tangibles. This man has had us play at Lehigh CC in
2012 and lined up Lancaster CC in 2013. Lloyd clearly has his priorities. The bow
tie gives off the karma found in the tiny Pee Wee Cluster. The man is a real player
and demonstrated solid attendance at the 2012 meetings.
Pat has always sucked up to his seniors. When it comes to golf, he is a very
accomplished fly fisherman, but his self deprecation and humor on the course
always make him a good cart mate. Always willing to grab drinks for the table or
flag a waitress down when a glass gets empty. Lining up a future venue down in
Delaware can only help boost his tangible stock. Gives off a positive karma you
can only find in the Wing Nut galaxy among the Stooges planetary system among
the Moons of Curly. Pat has always been a solid citizen consistently exceeding
the four meeting minimum.
Dave “Iron Hat” MacFarland
6 Tin Hat Years
Expertise: Attendance
Judges Commentary—John Grozier
Reports are his mustache has tickled the proper wrinkles. The Tin Hat venues
have proved a little more challenging to Al than the chip & putt courses he favors
in the Poconos. He can pound them down, but needs to spend a little more time
hustling a few drinks for others as well as bringing either some tangibles or
intangibles to the table. A big Boy George fan, he definitely gives off that Karma
Chameleon vibe found in the Metro Sexual nebula. Hate to break the news, but
has to show us more than a bad knock-knock joke. Solid attendee met four
outing minimum.
Judges Commentary—Lloyd Jones
Jack “The Jokeman” Beiter
32 Tin Hat Years
Expertise: Joke Telling
Judges Commentary—Charles MacDonald
Boom Boom came busting on the scene with a big reputation and high expectations
as the McGrogan protégé that sucked up to all the right people. The Boomer’s golf
game has never been his strong suit, but he brings the kind of intangibles that make
him a loveable whack job. An Amber Alert was issued for the Boomer following his
disappearance after the Llanerch outing when he went on the injured reserve list.
Search parties have been scouring the region’s bars and gentlemen’s clubs, only to
be stuck with his bar tab. His type karma can only be found in the Vulva Nebula on
the planet Kardashian. The man supposedly has some grade “A” jokes, but until he
heals up we won’t get to judge his material.
Judges Commentary—Brendan Powell
Overcoming the burden of having Bob Powell as his father, Brendan has always
kissed the right asses. His golf game is decent and he knows the difference
between the Ladies & Members Tees. Needs to work the room and hustle more
drinks when glasses get light, nobody likes sucking on ice cubes. This is a golfing
group, so getting your ass in gear. Hosting an event will help your stock. He has
an aura I once felt in Yabba Dabba Dual Star. Silence is not golden, even his old
man could tell a bad joke. Making the four meeting minimum makes him a player.
Judges Commentary—Jeff Shewman
One of the newest rookies, Jeff has shown spunk and prefers having his ass kissed.
A single handicap golfer, it is yet to be determined if he can hold that number once
he establishes a Tin Hat handicap. In his limited appearances, he could use some
work on hustling drinks. Hooking us up at Penn Oaks can help his stock. We are all
hoping that sponsor Peter Bellwoar’s chatter has not tainted his karma before the
head Kookaloo has a change to get a good read on him. Suspect he has the vide of
the Shewby Doo Super Nova. We have yet to see if he has any side splitting jokes.
Early indications are the boy’s a player that will make the minimum appearances.
BASK IN THE INFINITE WISDOM OF
Crowli Lama,
Every year at the holiday luncheon some guy
named Joe “That Prick in the Middle” Myshko
shows up and bust everyone’s balls. Can
anyone tolerate this whack job?
FIND ANSWERS TO TIN HAT MYSTERIES
Mike—Lebanon, NJ
Mike,
Crowli Lama,
Crowli Lama,
You put me in a difficult position. It is true
How would you describe your golf game?
Mark Deese’s signature goatee is always a
Jack—Lafayette Hills, PA topic of conversation. One rumor is that it’s a that nobody can bust balls like,
Myshko. However, he is also
Jack,
vestige of his youth when he worked in the
the guy that sponsored me into
My golf game and I
adult film industry. Is that true?
the Tin Hats, so I have a soft
have always had a sort
Steve—Allentown, PA
spot in my heart for that old
of love-hate relationSteve,
prick. The only person that can
ship. I think the best
The fact that Mark
keep him in check is his wife,
description of my game
looks like an aging
Angie. You’d have to be a
is “public masturbaporn star supports
Old Pricks
saint to stay with Joe as long
tion”. It is very hard
those rumors, but
Patron Saint
as she has. I guess you
for others to watch, but
there is only a sliver
could say she’s the patron saint of old pricks.
Hard To Watch It
it does give me a cerof truth to his adult
Industry Star
tain perverse sense of pleasure.
film star past. Some Childhood Idol
Crowli Lama,
mistakenly think he was a
Everyone knows Jeff Siegfried’s love of golf
Crowli Lama,
Mitch Miller wannabe as a
and his traveling all over the country to play
I’m not sure, but I’m almost positive I saw
wherever he can. What does it take to drag
kid.
However,
Mark
is
George Lyngarkos in a Southern Comfort comhim off the course?
alleged
to
model
his
“porn
mercial. Was it really him?
John—West Chester, PA
Ed—Naples, FL look” after 70’s adult film
John,
industry star Buck Naked.
Ed,
Mr. Golf’s love of
It appears to be
Mark got enamored with
the game is rea simple case of
Buck after seeing his
nown. I checked
mistaken identibreakout first movie, In
in with the golfing
ty. We all know
Diana Jones and the Temmaster and he told
that the hardest
ple of Poon. Buck went on Buck’s Breakout Role me he only had
working man in
one close call. It
to star in Saturday Night Beaver. Anus &
the lighting
occurred a few
Andy, and the Rambone series. Mark went
business is
years ago while on
on
to
become
a
lush
and
a
dirty
old
man.
known to do
vacation. The
just about anyCrowli Lama,
villas he and his
thing to make a
I heard that former Tin Hat Historian and
wife were staying
sale, but even
three time Hat winner Bob Davis has expericaught fire in the
Lyngarkos
Look-a-like?
Not
Quite
George would
enced a detached rectum. How’s he doing?
middle of a round
not stoop to sporting a Speedo on national
at the Kapalua
Wife Suffered Minor Burns &
TV. The dead give-a-way is what he’s not
Jack—Radnor, PA Resort in Hawaii.
Smoke Inhalation
holding. No one has ever seen George withJack,
Fortunately Jeff was
out his cell phone and everyone knows that
You have been given a misdiable to finish his round after getting word his
he’s is a vodka drinker.
agnosis of Bob’s medical condiwife had escaped with minor burns and smoke
tion. He did experience a deinhalation.
Crowli Lama,
I was at the Trenton CC meeting back in May. tached retina in his eye, but is
Crowli Lama,
I had the shit scared out of me when I thought well on his way to recovery.
For a long time Jack Beiter had developed a
Bob
assures
us
that
as
long
as
I saw Bob Powell’s version of Mini Me standing
reputation for telling bad jokes that made
he
maintains
a
high
fiber
diet,
next to him. Please don’t tell me Powell found
Brown Eye is A-ok! everyone groan. The past two years he
everything is
a way to clone himself.
seems to have made quite a comeback, rankA-ok down at the other end.
Gene—Merion Station, PA
You may have confused Bob’s ing up there with George Lyngarkos worthy
Gene,
condition to another one that material. What changed?
Not to worry. The federal
Bill—Horsham, PA
is common to many Tin Hats.
government has Bob on
Bill,
Among
the
more
notables,
it’s “Unfit For Cloning” list.
The Historian, Bob Powell and Jack’s joke problems started back in the
What you likely saw was
1950’s when he became enamored by vaudeKevin O’Rourke have long
Larry Low’s guest Larry
ville comedian Henny Youngman. He bought
Has The Symptoms suffered from detached recFit & Unfit
Rodger. There similarities
a book of Youngman’s favorite one liners and
tums
and
the
side
effects
of
being
full
of
shit.
end at hair styles. Larry is a class guy, good
kept trying to use them at joke time. “I was
O’Rourke
has
never
gone
public
with
his
ailgolfer and someone you would want to hang
ment, but it is clear that he has been suffering so ugly when I was born, that the doctor
with. Bob Powell is, well, not Larry Rodger.
slapped my mother! A doctor gave me six
and demonstrating all the symptoms of this
months to live. When
anal
malady.
Crowli Lama,
I told him I couldn’t
What is The Historian inspiration of his annual Crowli Lama,
pay, he gave me six
report?
more.” Recently he
What are your predictions for next year?
Lloyd—Allentown, PA
Harry—Bryn Mawr, PA cut a deal with longLloyd,
time antagonist Kevin
Harry,
Here is a real shocker. The
O’Rourke that if he
I predict the following for 2013:
Historian grew up consuming
stopped hitting reply to

There will be a Tin Hat hole in one
every Mad Magazine that was
all, Kevin would feed

I
will
not
win
The
Hat
ever published. Some kids
him some decent ma Razor Ray’s ass will add a few wrinkles
never grow up!
terial.
“Take my wife … please!”
What Me Worry?
 You all will still suck!
The
Crowli Lama