GIFT OF DESPERATION More Than Just a Novel Idea

BUDDHA WAS IN RECOVERY
GOING FORTH FROM THE PRISON OR
PALACE OF YOUR MIND
TRAUMA AND
CODEPENDENCY
RecoveryToday
ADDICTION, RECOVERY AND SOBRIETY
ISSUE 18, MAY 2016
GIFT OF
DESPERATION
More Than Just
a Novel Idea
TURN THAT RADIO OFF,
BE QUIET AND RECOVER!
W
INTERVIE
TAI
BABILONIA
REMEMBERING JOHN
BRADSHAW
5-TIME UNITED STATES CHAMPION
WORLD CHAMPION
2-TIME OLYMPIAN
THE FAMILY MELODRAMA OF ADDICTION
Content
2
ISSUE 18, MAY 2016
TRAUMA AND CODEPENDENCY
03 BY DARLENE LANCER
THE FAMILY MELODRAMA OF ADDICTION
06 BY JEAN LACOUR
GIFT OF DESPERATION MORE THAN JUST A NOVEL IDEA
08 BY ROBIN M. GILLIAM
EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH TAI BABILONIA
10 5-TIME UNITED STATES CHAMPION, WORLD CHAMPION,
2-TIME OLYMPIAN
TURN THAT RADIO OFF, BE QUIET AND RECOVER!
12 BY DAVALYN CHRISTINA
TRAUMA AND THE BODY
14 OUR READERS SPEAK
BUDDHA WAS IN RECOVERY
16 BY VALERIE MASON-JOHN
REMEMBERING JOHN BRADSHAW
19 BY LISA SUE WOITITZ
SPOTLIGHT - HOWARD GOODMAN
20 AUTHOR AND PRIMARY THERAPIST OF THE PROMINENCE
TREATMENT CENTER IN CALABASAS, CALIFORNIA.
| RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE
Trauma and
Codependency
YOU CAN MAKE SIGNIFICANT STRIDES IN OVERCOMING CODEPENDENCY BY DEVELOPING NEW
AT TITUDES, SKILLS, AND BEHAVIOR. BUT DEEPER RECOVERY MAY INVOLVE HEALING TRAUMA,
USUALLY THAT BEGAN IN CHILDHOOD.
Trauma can be emotional, physical, or environmental, and can range from experiencing a fire to emotional neglect.
Childhood events had a greater impact on you then than they would today, because you didn’t have coping skills
that an adult would have. As a consequence of growing up in a dysfunctional family environment, codependents
often suffer further trauma due to relationships with other people who may be abandoning, abusive, addicted or
have mental illness.
CHILDHOOD TRAUMA
Childhood itself may be traumatic
when it’s not safe to be spontaneous,
vulnerable, and authentic. It’s
emotionally damaging if you were
ignored, shamed, or punished
for expressing your thoughts or
feelings or for being immature,
imperfect, or having needs and
wants. Some people are neglected
or emotionally or physically
abandoned and conclude they
can’t trust or rely on anyone. They
hide their real, child self, and play
an adult role before they’re ready.
Divorce, illness, or loss of a parent
or sibling can also be traumatic,
depending upon the way in
which it was handled by parents.
Occurrences become harmful when
they’re either chronic or severe to
the extent that they overwhelm a
child’s limited ability to cope with
RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE
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ISSUE 18, MAY 2016
3
what was happening. For more on shame
and dysfunctional parenting, see Conquering
Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing
the True You.
How you’ve encountered these experiences are
your wounds. Most everyone manages to grow up,
but the scars remain and account for problems
in relationships and coping with reality. Deeper
healing requires reopening those wounds,
cleaning them, and applying the medicine of
compassion.
SYMPTOMS OF TRAUMA*
Trauma is a subjective experience and differs
from person to person. Each child in a family
will react differently to the same experience
and to trauma. Symptoms may come and go, and
may not show up until years after the event. You
needn’t have all of the following symptoms to
have experienced trauma:
• Over-reacting to triggers that are reminders of the trauma
• Avoiding thinking, experiencing, or talking
about triggers for the trauma
• Avoiding activities you once enjoyed
• Feeling hopeless about the future
• Experiencing memory lapses or inability to
recall parts of trauma
• Having difficulty concentrating
• Having difficulty maintaining close relationships
• Feeling irritable or angry
• Feeling overwhelming guilt or shame
• Behaving in a self-destructive manner
• Being easily frightened and startled
• Being hypervigilant — excessively fearful
• Hearing or seeing things that aren’t there
• Having restricted feelings — sometimes
numb or emotionally flat, or detached from
emotions, other people, or events
• Feeling depersonalized; a loss of Self or
cut off from your body and environment –
like you’re going through the motions
• Having flashbacks of scenes or reliving the
past event
• Having dreams or nightmares about the
past
• Experiencing insomnia
• Experiencing panic attacks
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Post-traumatic stress syndrome (PTSD) is
not uncommon among codependents who
experienced trauma either as a child or adult.
Diagnosis requires a specific number of symptoms
that last for at least 30 days and may start long
after the triggering event. Core symptoms include:
• Intrusive thoughts in the form of dreams,
waking flashbacks, or recurring negative
thoughts
• Avoidance of reminders of the trauma, including forgetting or avoiding sleep and
shutting down feelings or numbness
• Hyperarousal putting your nervous system
on alert, creating irritability, exhaustion,
and difficulty relaxing and sleeping
Trauma is debilitating and robs you of your life.
Often a person has experienced several traumas, resulting in more severe symptoms, such as
mood swings, depression, high blood pressure,
and chronic pain.
THE ACE STUDY OF TRAUMA
The ACE (“Adverse Childhood Experiences”) study
found a direct correlation between adult symptoms of negative health and childhood trauma.
ACE incidents that they measured were:
Emotional Abuse
Physical Abuse
Sexual Abuse
Mother Treated Violently
Household Substance Abuse
Household Substance Abuse
Household Mental Illness
Parental Separation or Divorce
Incarcerated Household Member
Emotional Neglect
Physical Neglect
Other examples of traumatic occurrences are:
• Betrayal
• Addiction or living with an addict (usually
includes emotional abuse)
• Death of a loved one or physical or emotional abandonment (can follow divorce)
• Severe or chronic pain or illness
• Helplessness
• Poverty (if accompanied by shame, neglect,
or emotional abuse)
• Real or threatened loss of anything of value
• Witnessing a trauma to someone else,
including survivor guilt
EFFECTS OF CHILDHOOD TRAUMA IN ACE STUDY
Almost two-thirds of the participants reported
at least one ACE and over 20 percent reported
three or more ACEs. (You can take the ACE quiz
here.) The higher the ACE score, the higher were
the participants’ vulnerability to the following
conditions:
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Alcoholism and alcohol abuse
Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease
Depression
Fetal death
Health-related quality of life
Illicit drug use
Ischemic heart disease
Liver disease
Poor work performance
Financial stress
Risk for intimate partner violence
Multiple sexual partners
Sexually transmitted diseases
Smoking
Suicide attempts
Unintended pregnancies
Early initiation of smoking
Early initiation of sexual activity
Adolescent pregnancy
Risk for sexual violence
Poor academic achievement
TREATMENT OF TRAUMA
Trauma can be emotional, physical, or
environmental, and can range from experiencing
a fire to emotional neglect. Healing trauma is
like going back in time and feeling what was
unexpressed, re-evaluating unhealthy beliefs
and decisions, and getting acquainted with
missing parts of yourself. Facing what happened
is the first step in healing. Many people are
in denial of trauma they experienced in
childhood, particularly if they grew up in a
stable environment. If parents weren’t abusive,
but were emotionally unresponsive, you would
still experience loneliness, rejection, and
shame about yourself and feelings that you
may have denied or completely repressed. This
is emotional abandonment.
Re-experiencing, feeling, and talking about what
happened are significant parts of the healing
process. Another step in recovery is grieving
what you’ve lost. Stages of grief include anger,
depression, bargaining, sometimes guilt, and finally acceptance. Acceptance doesn’t mean you
approve of what happened, but you’re more objective about it without resentment or strong
emotions. As you release pent-up emotion from
your past, you have more energy and motivation
to invest in your future.
In this process, it’s essential – and too often omitted
– that you discern false beliefs you may have
adopted as a result of the trauma and substitute
healthier ones. Usually, these are shame-based
beliefs stemming from childhood shaming
messages and experiences. Recovery also entails
identifying and changing how you relate and talk
to yourself that leads to undesirable outcomes
and behavior and outcomes.
PTSD and trauma do not resolve on their own. It’s
important to get treatment as soon as possible.There
are several treatment modalities recommended
for healing trauma, including CBT, EMDR, Somatic
Experiencing, and Exposure Therapy.
*From Codependency for Dummies,
John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
©Darlene Lancer 2016
Darlene Lancer is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and expert on relationships
and codependency. She’s the author of two books: Conquering Shame and Codependency:
8 Steps to Freeing the True You and Codependency for Dummies. Ms. Lancer has counseled
individuals and couples for 27 years and coaches internationally. She’s a sought after
speaker at national conferences, on radio, and to professional groups and institutions.
DarleneLancer.com
RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE
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ISSUE 18, MAY 2016
5
THE FAMILY
MELODRAMA OF
ADDICTION
T
he dictionary says a melodrama is a
drama with 3 key factors: exaggerated
conflicts, extravagant emotions, and
stereotyped characters. All three factors:
conflicts, intense emotions & stereotypes
apply to a family that is dealing with an addicted
member. In fact, the roles which family members
take on when one member is addicted have been
studied and identified.
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When one person is addicted to substances or to
destructive behaviors like gambling or sexual compulsions, or over control or to raging, or suffers from
mental illness, family members act in predictable
ways. This way of looking at family dynamics comes
from a systems perspective of family therapy.
There are four key points in the family systems model
that you might find interesting.
1. The family as a whole is greater than –and different
from—the sum of its individual members.
2. The behavior of individual members is interrelated
through the process that is circular, if one family member changes his or her behavior, the others will also
change as a consequence, which in turn causes subsequent changes in the member who changed at first. So
it’s impossible to know what comes first: the substance
abuse or behaviors that are called “enabling”.
3. Each family has a pattern of communication traits
which can be verbal or nonverbal, overt or subtle
means of expressing emotion, conflict, affection,
etc. Each family’s pattern of
communication can either increase
anxiety with hidden meanings
and consequences, or bring peace
and stability through the healthy
resolution of problems.
4. Families strive to achieve balance
among their members; this primary
need is referred to as homeostasis.
Like a group in a “tippy canoe”, family
members react to sudden and unpredictable behaviors by shifting their
weight to keep the boat afloat. This
is how the family survives the upsetting behaviors of the addict and regains their balance.
Ultimately, family system dynamics
promote family growth and stability
or promote chaos and breakdown.
These dynamics are very predictable,
and are passed down across
generations in a family tree. They
include bonding, boundaries, rules,
roles, and rituals. Recovery will
involve understanding, learning
and practicing healthier behaviors
related to each area. It may sound
daunting but once you learn healthier
behaviors you CAN change, and not
only change yourself but affect the
entire family as well.
Certain plays are performed again
and again over many generations.
The actors change, the costumes, the
music and even the type of seats in
the theatre, but familiar characters
will play their parts in a predictable
way. Like Romeo and Juliet. It is the
same with the family that has an
alcoholic or addicted member who
remains the central source of unpredictability, loss and stress. That member becomes the central focus for
the rest of the family. The behaviors
of the main stressor can become the
“black hole” that absorbs more and
more attention and focus. Over time,
their behavior requires reallocating
the limited emotional and financial
resources of the family to the detriment of all the other members.
While each family has seasons when
one member is the focus or cause
of family readjustment, such as an
illness or accident, going back to
school, sports practice, longer work
hours, etc. Such life events are time
limited and bring out the best as
everyone sacrifices to “take up the
slack”. But when addiction or mental
illness or criminal behavior come into
play, the malfunctioning member
often becomes stuck in dysfunction
and the family system itself becomes
distorted and drained. Such a family
may be doomed if they don’t access
new information and resources.
Can you think of a time when you
were the one who needed a lot of
help from your family? Did you get
the support you needed? Was there
a family member who got a lot
more time and attention and energy
than you because they had bigger
problems? Were you that family
member? If you are a parent, do you
find there’s one child that needs so
much more than your other child/
or children? These are all normal
interactions and should change
over time. If these patterns have
gotten “stuck” then you may want to
consider how the family as a whole
may need to step back and reassess
the situation. Trusted counselors and
treatment programs can also help.
After reading this article, chances are
you see some of your own family in
it. This disease, whether you’re the
one with the addiction or the family
member of the addicted, causes confusion and isolation. You think your
family is the only like this. Hopefully in reading some of your own story
here, you understand, you’re far from
alone, we’re much more the same
than different and we’ll respond
much the same to family trauma.
As we continue to examine our own
family struc-tures we gain the perspective we need to grow in our
recovery and to ascend beyond the
trauma. You can ascend. Your trauma does not define you, it is just
one chapter in your book. You define
yourself and by doing so, you not only
affect and improve your own life but
also those of your family as well.
interview with Jean LaCour
Interviewed by Recovery Today Magazine, Editor, Sherry Gaba, LCSW
Jean LaCour PhD is a Global Recovery Expert and Thought Leader who has trained in 25
nations. She cofounded NET Institute Center for Addiction and Recovery Education and
trained thousands of people worldwide in Professional Addiction Counseling and Recovery
Support Services while serving on state, national and UN initiatives. She founded the Int’l
Association of Professional Recovery Coaches to enrich and expand the Recovery Experience
to enhance vibrant personal wholeness and wellness beyond sobriety, and to increase
Addiction Recovery career options focused on strengths and holistic transformation.
RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE
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ISSUE 18, MAY 2016
7
GIFT OF
DESPERATION
H
ow can desperation be considered a gift? Desperation is fueled by pain - the pain caused by addiction/alcoholism (addiction). At some point, this pain makes us desperate enough to want to
change and recover. Recovery is the gift - giving us the freedom from the obsession and compulsion of addiction. This gift is what this novel delivers.
During two decades in 12 step rooms, Robin heard many disturbing stories, including her own, that confirmed
for her that trauma is often at the root of addiction. In fact, while she was writing Gift of Desperation, her
husband went into treatment for prescription opioids. After 20 years of marriage, Robin learned about the
trauma he suffered as a child. And, in retrospect, what influenced some of the patterns and decisions in
their marriage. As a result, her main character, Claire Sebastian, was born.
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ISSUE 18, MAY 2016
| RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE
Through Claire, Robin
explores how trauma
manifests itself into
addiction and selfdestructive behaviors;
the dangers of denial;
how addiction is a
cunning, baffling and
powerful disease; how
desperate a person
must become before
they change; what
does it really take to
recover despite the
pain of trauma; and
how the 12 steps and
creating art helps to
heal and prevent addiction.
As a junior art curator at the D.C. National
Museum of Women in the Arts, Claire is
given a unique opportunity to curate a
show entitled Art and Healing. In addition
to securing an advance in her career,
Claire gains insight into her past. As a
backdrop for Claire’s journey into selfdiscovery, Robin created The Artist, who is
anonymous and known only through the
donated artwork and diaries—the artwork
is what Robin created to heal from her
own trauma. As Claire curates the show,
she begins to see the truth, realizing that
she might not be just a party girl who
likes an occasional drink and fling after
work. But is the truth too much for Claire
to handle?
To help Claire deal with the pain of her
discoveries, Robin created Aunt Jo, the elder
protector, and Evi, her childhood friend.
Evi was born from the streets of D.C. where
Robin encountered homeless Vets. These
Vets have their own heartbreaking stories
and Robin wanted to save one in her novel.
Evi, as a wounded warrior with her own
secrets, represents courage, strength, and
hope. Evi is also a role model for what
someone should and should not do to help
loved ones that are caught in the grips of
addiction.
So Evi waits patiently until Claire asks for
help and then starts to lay the foundation
for recovery...
An Amazon five star review from Stephen
Fuchs: “Robin Gilliam has provided an
insightful study of addiction and how
to begin the slow crawl out of that deep
hole…The novel gripped my attention
from the first page to the last. Ms. Gilliam’s
ability to describe a scene lets the reader
find himself or herself right there and is
one of the book’s greatest strengths.”
Robin M. Gilliam has a BA in art and psychology from Goucher College. She has
been in long-term recovery since 2/6/91 and is a domestic violence and rape
survivor. She was the only novelist invited by UNITE to Face Addiction to do a
book signing at this national rally in D.C. in October 2015. She is the founder of
Recovery Art Studio and is excited to teach the healing power of art in combination
with the spiritual principles of the 12 steps to support healing and long-term
recovery. www.recoveryartstudio.com
RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE
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ISSUE 18, MAY 2016
9
ERVIEW
T
IN
E
IV
S
U
L
C
X
E
TAI
BABILONIA
5-TIME UNITED STATES CHAMPION
WORLD CHAMPION | 2-TIME OLYMPIAN
Tai Babilonia remembers vividly that day when she first watched figure
skating on television, and became instantly intrigued with the sport and
art of figure skating. It was Peggy Fleming, the 1968 Olympic Champion,
and the beauty that Peggy exhibited mesmerized Tai, and from that point
forward, Tai knew that she would grow to feel that the ice was her home.
After learning to skate from her first coach, Mabel Fairbanks, she was paired with Randy
Gardner and was placed under the instruction of legendary coach, John Nicks. While
rising to the top of US pair skating, along the way Tai and Randy earned a spot on the
US 1976 Winter Olympic Team, where they placed 5th. But, even greater success was in
their future. They went on to win five consecutive US National titles (1975-1980). They
also earned six consecutive trips to the World Figure Skating Championships.
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ISSUE 18, MAY 2016
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Interview with
TAI BABILONIA
CLICK AND
PLAY
Interviewed by Recovery Today Magazine,
Editor, Sherry Gaba, LCSW
At the 1979 World Championships, Tai and Randy
won the title, and became the first American pair
team to win Gold in 29 years, and has not been repeated by an American pair team to this day. This
accomplishment catapulted Tai and Randy into the
legendary echelons of US skating history. Their
World title positioned Tai and Randy as favorites,
heading into the 1980 Olympic Winter Games in
Lake Placid, NY.
Queen Elizabeth II, and at the White House for US
Presidents Carter, Ford, Reagan and Clinton.
But, their lifelong goals of Olympic glory would be
cut short, due to an unfortunate injury to Randy,
and they were forced to withdraw just as the pairs
competition began.
She has appeared in other television specials, such
as “Skating With Celebrities” and is currently co-host
on the television talk show, “Ken Boxer Live” (www.
kenboxerlive.com), originating in Santa Barbara, CA.
As Tai and Randy’s amateur career came to a close,
they were only beginning a illustrious professional
career, highlighted by signing as headliners with
Ice Capades, Tour of Champions, and other touring
companies. Additionally,Tai and Randy were frequent
competitors on the professional competitions,
including the World Professional Figure Skating
Championships, the Challenge of Champions and
many others. She has performed in some of the most
prestigious venues around the world – Las Vegas,
Lake Tahoe, Atlantic City, Kennedy Center, Wembley
Arena, the Universal Amphitheater, the Dorothy
Chandler Pavilion, and in special appearances for
Perhaps her most proud achievement is Tai’s role as
Mom to son, Scout.
Away from the ice, Tai’s story has been one that has
intrigued the American public for decades, and her
life was chronicled in the television special, “On
Thin Ice: The Tai Babilonia Story” and has authored
one book with Randy Gardner, entitled “Forever
Two As One.”
In 2015, Randy Gardner launched his autobiographical show, “Go Figure! It Ain’t No Ice Capades,” which chronicles Randy’s public and private life, and Tai couldn’t be more proud of his
courage, honesty and humor!
While forever known as one of America’s great pair
skating teams, Tai and Randy’s 45+plus year partnership has endured the status of true icons both
on and off the ice.
Follow Tai on Twitter: @TaiSkates
RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE
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ISSUE 18, MAY 2016
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,
F
F
O
O
I
D
A
R
T
A
H
T
TURN
!
R
E
V
O
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I
BE QU
V
rnings. Every single morning, on
mo
the
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io
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tha
re
mo
nce
sile
oy
ery recently, I decided I enj
ughts into nothing. I pray, and I listen to my tho
en
list
and
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rk,
wo
my way to
, fascinating and sometimes horrifying.
ing
ain
ert
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ng,
usi
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rem
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stead. I find this pra
g.
of thin air, even on the way to a meetin
out
ing
ear
app
ns,
stio
que
ne
ina
s
ask
d
My min
Why can’t
you just
stop? Why
do you need
to go to a
meeting
today?
Aren’t you
recovered
by now?”
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ISSUE 18, MAY 2016
There’s a quote I like - “Silence is the
mystery of the world to come”. If you
are skeptical about just how beneficial
silence can be in your sober life, trust
me, I was too. For most of my adult
life, I lived about five hours south
of my parents and my hometown.
It was far enough that I could do
whatever I pleased with no risk of
small-town gossip reaching family
members, yet close enough to visit
a few times a month. When I would
travel the long stretch of I-95 to visit
them, it would never be in silence. I
loved driving for hours alone, on an
empty highway at night, windows
down, and as always - blasting music
very loudly from my radio.
I always considered music therapeutic in a way. I believe, for me, to
a certain extent, it can be. For example: I could be having a terrible day,
a song would play on the radio, reminiscent of a joyful time I once experienced, and I would travel back
in my mind. Teleported to a state
of bliss, all my worries would disappear - temporarily. Suddenly, the
next melody plays. It reminds me
of a former flame who wronged
me. The floodgates of the terrible
day reopen & sadness, pain, anger,
and jealousy evoke inside me. It’s
like a Jekyll & Hyde effect; all from
listening carefully to the sounds of
the radio. How?
So loudly, that even if another driver
laid down on their horn to warn me
of impending danger, I would be
oblivious to their signal, the music
drowning out my own fate. Looking
back, I see how dangerous and reckless
that was. All for the love of music and
the liberating feeling it gave me for
bursts at a time. It would be a struggle
for me to drive five hours alone and
in complete silence today. Yet driving
with the sound of music seems more
bearable. Why?
Initially this article was not going
to be focused on the joy of silence.
I didn’t know much about silence
and how it was linked with peace
of mind, sobriety, and health. As
somebody who has always gone
to an extreme measure or excess
when I found anything in life that
created euphoria for me, I find
that sitting in silence holds more
answers to the minds’ questions
than any melody, movie, podcast,
or TV show.
| RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE
Maybe it is the clarity I receive when
I clear my mind and observe my
thoughts and surroundings. Maybe
it’s the non-influence of sound/
noise around me interfering with
my emotions. Possibly, it’s the little
voice inside my heart realigning
with my thought process to help me
find the balance I seek on a daily
basis. In doing this, for just a few
minutes a day, having a wordless
conversation with my creator, I
realize I do not have all the answers
to my own questions; and it is
somehow - acceptable.
Acceptance is the key to all my
questions today. My creator has
all the answers. I just have to
listen quietly. It has been such
a small daily sacrifice for me,
yet somehow it’s proven to be a
powerful influence on my attitude
and emotions. To just sit, and be, in
the moment and activating all my
senses is the best part of my day. I
think of it as a refresh button on my
internet browser, bringing me up to
date with the most important and
current issues at hand.
Other questions I like to ask myself
when my thinking starts to shift
gears, are -“How can I stop drinking?
How can I make sure I attend a
meeting today? How can I recover?”
I sit quietly and practice patience,
all while my Higher Power is busy
at work helping me to find peace of
mind and solutions to my problems.
Davalyn is 27 years old and is grateful for recovery! She enjoys a much simpler happy life with
her family and AA friends. Hairstylist, yogi, vegan, spirituality & recovery blogger, and survivor
of critical burns, are just a few proud terms she uses to describe herself. She aspires to launch
a public website and blog very soon helping to educate on the benefits of living an active and
vegan/vegetarian lifestyle and how it helped heal her spiritually and bring her closer to her
Higher Power & purpose. She is a new contributor to iloverecovery.com the online magazine
produced by InTheRooms.com
RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE
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ISSUE 18, MAY 2016
13
OUR READERS SPEAK
TRAUMA AND THE BODY
BY MISSY
A
bout two and a half years ago, I hit a
point in my life in which i felt stuck
in every sense of the word. I could
not bring myself to do the things that
needed to be done on a daily basis, and I could
not bring myself to do things that would help
me move forward in life. In the simplest terms,
I was stuck. I was stuck inside the prison of
my body, kept there by traumatic experiences I
had thought I was long past. Starting therapy
again, I was hesitant. My first therapist was
fine - she was very nice and allowed me to
talk for an hour straight about whatever it was
that was on my mind. Externalizing things
was good, but it was not until I met my next
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ISSUE 18, MAY 2016
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therapist that I realized that there was a way
to externalize my trauma to an even greater
extent, one that would allow me to get back
to living my life.
My most recent therapist started me on the
process of getting in touch with my body. I
had no idea that I wasn’t in touch with the
energies flowing through my body until
trying “tapping.”
I was amazed to find that after my first experience with it, I felt calmer. Moments like
this continued with my therapist, and I even
used the new tools I have learned at home.
Sometimes, it is as easy as talking about
something, and recognizing where the energy in
my body had moved to, and recognizing that it was
there. With the release of tension I was holding, I
was able to focus more on things around me. I was
feeling less high-strung, and more at ease. Friends
would even comment that I seemed less angry- that
the vibe they felt from me was no longer a raging
sea. Looking back, I don’t think I would have ever
gotten unstuck if I hadn’t learned how to release
the trauma from my body. I was constantly pinned
down by a stress response that prevented me from
experiencing the world as a calm, together person.
Being stuck, I could see that I didn’t have my self
together, but I also could not do anything about it.
In addition to the trauma work I began doing,
I started attending Co-Dependents Anonymous
(CoDA) meetings. I knew I was in the right place,
and one of the many things I have learned in
those meetings is that as codependents, we are
reactive people. We grew up learning survival
skills to help us cope with our situations, and
one of those skills was reacting. For me, my reactions are loud, blaming, shaming, and hurtful.
I can be a very mean reactor, so it is something
that I have tried to work on since my days in
meetings started. At first, I didn’t understand
how not to react. It was a complete automatic
response from my body, triggered by something
I didn’t even realize was impacting my behavior. If i had never done the trauma work with my
therapist, I would probably still be stuck with
reacting as one of my biggest issues.
Feeling my body and being in touch with the energies inside me allowed me to realize what my
triggers are, and to be aware of how I was react-
CLICK AND
PLAY
An example of Terapeutic Tapping for Stress
and Trauma Reduction
ing to them. Change has to start with awareness.
How can you fix something you do not even know
exists? I didn’t know that I was having triggers
and reacting to them. Once I started listening to
my body, and seeing how it reacted to trauma, I
could move forward, but only because I had the
tools. If I didn’t know how to release the traumatic energy from my body, I would have continued to be put into a fight or flight response from
my body, which I would then respond to. Now,
when that fight or flight feeling happens, I can
feel it, take it for what it is, and do something
with that energy to work through it, rather than
use that energy to wind myself up and unleash
fury when I break.
Getting unstuck from my body’s emotional auto
response has been as close to a miracle as I’ve
ever experienced. It allowed me to take control
of my life again, and allowed me to truly work
through and externalize the traumas that I have
experienced in my life.
To tell your story and have it featured, please send to:
[email protected]
Missy K.
Los Angeles, CA
I’m a 25 year-old nanny that loves to work with kids and animals. I attend 12step meetings for Co-Dependents as well as continued therapy for maintenance.
I love to hang out with my cats, read, and travel.
RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE
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15
Buddha was
in Recovery
Going Forth From the Prison or Palace of Your mind
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Watch your thoughts; they become stories
Watch your stories; they become excuses
Watch your excuses; they become relapses
Watch your relapses; they become dis-eases
Watch your dis-eases they become vicious cycles
Watch your vicious cycles they become your wheel of life
The Buddha was in recovery is a
bold statement, and if you look at his
life, you can see clearly how he was
addicted to hedonism within the four
walls of his palace, and addicted to self
mortification when he went forth and
lived as an ascetic for several years.
In fact his first discourse the
Buddha says: ‘There is addiction
to sense pleasure that is coarse,
low, unprofitable and the life on an
ordinary person. There is addiction
to self-mortification that is painful,
coarse, unprofitable and the life on an
ordinary person.
Avoiding both these extremes, the
Tathagata (The Perfect One) has
realized the Middle Path; it gives
vision, gives knowledge, and leads
to calm, to insight, to enlightenment
and to Nirvana.”
Many of us think how could the Buddha
abandon his wife, his child, and his
family. We now that the Buddha did
return to his family, and that his son
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joined the Sangha. But let’s look at
this story more closely. Siddhartha
the Prince went forth from a life
of indulgence because he could
see clearly how it was hindering
his growth. He could not find the
answer to the end of suffering if
he stayed in a hedonistic world
that was at the center of his life.
He went forth from the palace of
his mind. When he left the palace
that had imprisoned his mind, he
placed renunciation at the center
of his life.
We too have to go forth from our
lives. And our lives are created in
our minds. So you could say we
need to go forth from our minds if
we want recovery from addiction.
We must stop believing what is
arising in the mind. We must stop
identifying with what is in the
mind. We must stop placing our
stinking thinking at the center of
our thoughts. When we leave the
prison of our minds, we to begin to
place renunciation at the center
of our lives.
When we let go of our addictions
we have begun the long process of
renunciation. Because one day we
will have to renounce everything
that we own, including our loved
ones, our belongings and our body.
Renouncing our addictions is a
mini rehearsal for our deaths. It is a
spiritual death and spiritual rebirth.
If we can’t renounce our addiction,
we continue to be the deluded
person who when they experience
pain in the body - unpleasant,
pleasant, neutral, groans, grieve
and grasp. The deluded person
constructs mental feeling out
of physical sensations, creating
two kinds of feelings; bodily and
mental. Thinking that both are
fact.
If we become a liberated person,
we will experience pain in the body,
pleasant, unpleasant or neutral.
There will be no construction in
the mind of mental feelings. No
grabbing, grieving, grasping. Just
one kind of feeling that is bodily.
Only equanimity arising in the
mind that is not graspable.
What was the Prince Siddhartha
doing just before he became
enlightened? He was investigating
the nature of his mind. And
everything you could imagine
cropped up in his mind. His desire
for sex, sense pleasure, indulgence.
His aversion, arrogance, ill will,
conceit and anger. And even doubt
arose. In order for him to liberate
himself and become a Buddha, he
had to renounce all these mental
states. He did not identify with a
single one of them.
While we may have not the time to
sit for several weeks and months to
investigate our minds, it is critical
that we begin to see whatever
arises in the mind is mind made.
That whenever a thought of using
arises, it is not fact, it is just a
mental event that will arise and
cease if we leave it alone and if
we don’t act upon it. So what we
do to get recovery is renounce the
thoughts, rather than renouncing
the behavior. If we renounce our
thoughts, recovery will be the
fruits of renunciation.
Placing Positive Values at the
Center of our lives is Step six in
the Eight Step Model. When we
do this we begin to renounce.
Once upon a time we placed our
addictions at the center of our
lives; in recovery we find positive
things to put at the center of our
thoughts. We can place loving
kindness, compassion, gratitude,
and peace at the center of our
hearts and mind. When we do
this, we step on to the path of
renunciation and free ourselves
from the prison or palace of our
mind.
Placing renunciation at the center
of our lives does not have to be
daunting. We are all renunciate’s,
one day we will have to renounce
everything at the point of death.
So we can begin to renounce
now, or hang onto the bitter end,
creating a life full of misery.
Valerie Mason-John is the co-author of Eight Step Recovery - Using The Buddha’s Teachings
to Overcome Addiction, and the Co-founder of Healing and Insight Buddhist Recovery
teachings every Saturday. She will be leading a four-week online course Mindfulness
Based Addiction Recovery - Mindfulness tools to help with your recovery. More info
[email protected]
TEDx speaker Dr Valerie (Vimalasara) Mason-John MA (hon.Dr of Letters) is the
award winning author of Eight Step Recovery Using The Buddha’s Teachings
to Overcome Addiction. Last year it won the category of best Self Motivation
Book in the USA book awards and the USA International Book Awards. She
is the co-founder of Healing and Insight an online teaching faculty that
explores the sharp edges of suffering through the mindfulness teachings.
Author of 8 books, her new edition of Detox Your Heart - working with anger,
fear and hatred will be published in spring 2017.
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REMEMBERING
JOHN BRADSHAW
The 1980s were an extraordinary time
in the history of addiction treatment for
families. Almost overnight, what started
as a grass roots movement blew wide
open into an industry that raced furiously
to keep up with the sudden demand for
treatment and education for people like
you and me. Until then, we suffered in
silence behind closed doors, ashamed
because somebody we loved was in the
throes of their addiction and taking us all
down the tubes with them. We thought
that if we denied the problem, it would go
away. It didn’t.
Enter John Bradshaw – one of the earliest
leaders of the recovery movement to focus
on children and families. He is best known
for his groundbreaking books, “Bradshaw
On:The Family” and “Healing The Shame
That Binds You,” which were both
published in 1988. Dr. Bradshaw helped
millions of people around the world with
his inspirational words by teaching them
self-confidence and most important of all,
helping them to release the shame that
affected every area of their lives.
publisher, Health Communications, Inc.
Electricity was in the air. Like you, I have
many fond memories of John Bradshaw
and his empowering, inspirational way
of speaking. The way he mesmerized an
admiring audience. His cutting edge ideas
and the way he wrote about them.
Dr. John Bradshaw leaves behind a legacy
of hope for millions of people around
the globe who can now understand
their personal shame and the underlying
reasons for it, address these root causes
and free themselves from the shame that
ties them to their painful past. May he rest
in peace as he has helped so many others
to do.
Lisa Sue Woititz
The pioneer
and man who
impacted millions
of people battling
the disease of
addiction. His last
magazine cover
appearance and
interview was
with Recovery
Today Magazine.
At the time I took for granted what is now
one of the most meaningful blessings in
my life – to grow into adulthood from the
inside of this phenomenon looking out
into the world. Dr. John Bradshaw and my
mother, Dr. Janet Woititz, were colleagues
and fellow authors. They held recovery
conferences and gave keynote lectures
together throughout the country with their
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Family Recovery
Is Your Support Group
In The Way?
By Lisa Sue Woititz, author of Unwelcome Inheritance: Break
Your Family’s Cycle of Addictive Behaviors, Hazelden, 2015
FAMILY DISEASE = FAMILY
RECOVERY.
Addiction is called a
“family disease” because
it affects the whole
family. We used to think
that if the alcoholic or
addict in our lives went
into treatment the family
would recover too. To a
certain degree, that was
true and still is because
when active substance
abuse in the home stops
we experience immediate
relief. But before we
have a chance to relax we realize that the
honeymoon is over. We learn that ongoing
recovery has its challenges for everyone in
the family. Today we know that even though
we are all members of the same household,
each person has been through their own
experience from their own point of view.
Some of us were traumatized, others were
more resilient. We each need to acknowledge
and process our own experience and address
our issues in whatever modality works for us.
If we don’t, we may find ourselves unable to
switch gears and move forward.
What “family recovery” means is that our family
as a whole can recover, using what we’ve
learned on our own healing journey to move
forward into a healthier future together. This
can be the most difficult part of the process
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especially if we have become estranged
from our family. However, when everyone is
dedicated to creating a healthy family life, the
results can be amazing. I was lucky enough
to go through the experience of being with
families recovering together in the 1970s
when it was common for everyone to go to
their individual recovery groups that met at
the same place at the same time. It was very
comforting for me to know that while my Dad
was in his support group downstairs, my Mom
was in her group across the hall and I was
in my group upstairs. I loved when all of the
families got together for picnics or to celebrate
sobriety anniversaries. It was a relief and also
a lot of fun to go through this challenging
time together with my friends and my parents
and their parents. This scenario is rare today if
it exists at all, and I wish it was the norm. It’s
the philosophy that matters, though: we get
help and we come back together better than
before. As author Cynthia Orange said to me,
“We become stronger at the broken places.”
LIVING IN THE PROBLEM
What we saw happening in our Institute
back in the 80s was that the family was not
recovering as a whole. Adults that grew up
with addicted parents were becoming more
estranged from their parents and siblings
as time went on. Instead of encouraging
members to find new ways of communicating
and spending time with their families of
origin, support groups were replacing the
family. This brokenness is still perpetuated
by the support groups for adult children
of alcoholics that view growing up with
an alcoholic as a disease unto itself. The
message that “we are broken and cannot be
fixed” or as one person said to me recently,
“this isn’t ever going away,” reinforced our
feelings of victimization and fueled our anger.
This trend has continued as the problem of
substance abuse grows and the divorce rate
escalates.
If you are a member of a group that promotes
this point of view, I hope this writing will
cause you to pause and consider that the
very place you are going for help may be
keeping you tied to your painful past. While it
is wonderful to widen our circle of friendship
and support, let’s also aspire to heal our
family relationships wherever possible, while
honoring the boundaries that are necessary to
make it work.
Does your support group discuss new and
positive ways to interact with your family
members? Do you feel encouraged to open
your heart to the possibility of reconciliation?
Are you just as angry today as you were ten
years ago? Or worst of all, do you consider
certain members of your family to be dead
when they are very much alive? What if your
father (or mother or brother or whomever),
like mine, has transformed into a person that
can now support you and whom you can
confide in? Trust me, there could be a gift
like this waiting for you that you don’t want
to miss out on.
LIVING IN THE SOLUTION
Family recovery is also about the dramatic
impact that we each have on all of the
other members in our family, and even the
generations to come. Regardless of how high
or low our self-esteem is, this is true. One
example I use in Unwelcome Inheritance is my
own family: if my relationship with my father
had remained severed because I refused to
allow for it to change and
grow, my children would
be estranged from their
grandfather today. What
a shame this would be,
especially as my father
and I have both remained
committed to recovery
throughout the years
and have both evolved
so much. Now I hope the
day will come when my
father becomes a great
grandfather. I hope you
can see how much power
I have and that you have
it too!
Family recovery is about doing everything
within our power to change the course of our
legacy today and into the future for the better.
Let’s use our personal power to do what we
can to break the cycle of addictive behavior
that runs through our family. What we do today
can wonderfully influence the generations of
our family to come. There was a time in my
life when I never thought about the future of
my family. I could not see outside of my own
pain and resentment. As I continue to miss
my mother who passed many years ago, and
grieve the loss of my big brother who passed
earlier this year, the fleeting nature of life
speaks to my heart. I am so thankful that I
have no regrets of love left unexpressed to
Mom and Dave. I wish the same for you. And
much more.
Is the support group you are attending gently
nudging you forward in your life or is it
keeping you stuck in the past? Be the catalyst
for positive change and growing relationships
in your family. Create the life you’ve wanted
all along!
With love,
Lisa Sue Woititz
RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE
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ISSUE 18, MAY 2016
21
SPOTLIGHT
HOWARD
GOODMAN
AUTHOR AND PRIMARY THERAPIST OF THE
PROMINENCE TREATMENT CENTER IN
CALABASAS, CALIFORNIA.
Howard received his M.A. in Counseling Psychology from Pacifica
Graduate Institute. His clinical experience includes working a wide
variety of p opulations, including: at-risk youth, at-risk Hispanic families,
Orthodox Jewish families/couples/childr en, Alzheimer’ s patients, their
loved ones, & families; deaf individuals recovering from drug /alcohol
addicts; (I speak American Sign Language); schizophrenics; as well as
dual-diagnosis clients.
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| RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE
Interview with
Howard Goodman
CLICK AND
PLAY
Interviewed by Recovery Today Magazine,
Editor, Sherry Gaba, LCSW
Howard has extensive experience working
with those in recovery from alcohol, drugs,
and sexual compulsivity in hospitals, inpatient, out-patient, individual and group
settings. Howard’s approach to recovery,
health, & wellness is informed by the belief
that all individuals possess the innate
ability for healing. He recognizes the multidimensional nature of addiction requires
multiple treatment modalities and primarily
uses CBT, DBT, Mindfulness, Psycho-dynamic,
and Psycho-educational approaches.
Howard’s
includes:
Director),
(Program
work in the field of treatment
SOBA Treatment Center (Clinical
Department of Mental Health
Director), The Canyon Treatment
Center (Primary & Group Therapist), Cliffside
Treatment Center (Group Therapist),
and Clearview Treatment Center (Group
Therapist).
Howard also writes & presents on recovery.
He lectures for the Los Angeles Police
Department Diversion program for first-time
offenders and has conducted CEU workshops.
His publications include Illumination of
Myth, Answer to Cain, and articles in The
Therapist. Howard is deeply engaged in
moving the field of addiction treatment
forward, researching & writing about the new
paradigm in addiction treatment: Recovery
Management and the creation of Recovery
Oriented Systems of Care. He is currently
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ISSUE 18, MAY 2016
23
at work on a new book: The Staying Sober
Handbook; a complete guide to long term
sobriety
Prominence Treatment Center is a Non 12Step Drug and Alcohol Treatment center
located in Calabasas, California. Their
program is designed to provide the highest
quality and personalized care available in
the addiction industry today.
What is a Non 12-Step
Rehab Program?
Prominence’ Non
12-Step Rehab
Program for addiction
treatment uses cutting
edge, self-empowering
cognitive behavioral
approach, proven to
work with addiction.
Prominence therapists
and methods combine
science based
treatment modalities
with holistic health
services. Their
treatment staff has
been working in the
addiction and recovery
industry for more than
three decades.
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| RECOVERY TODAY MAGAZINE
Greg Hannley
Publisher
Nationally recognized addiction expert, Greg Hannley is the Publisher of
“Recovery Today Magazine”. He is also the Chief Executive Officer of SOBA
Recovery Center, and Executive Producer of the acclaimed film with Daniel Baldwin, “The Wisdom to Know the Difference”. Greg has appeared on
CNN’s Larry King Live, Fox News, Fox and Friends, San Antonio Living, and
other national media outlets. His vision is to provide a safe, sober environment for those suffering from the disease of addiction and to evangelize a
simple, powerful message; there is hope.
Rob Hannley, Producer
Sherry Gaba, LCSW Editor
In the News
Soba Recovery Center is Now the Largest Privately Held Drug and Alcohol
Treatment Center in the United States.
Their show “Soba Living” airs monthly on San Antonio’s popular Daytime
shows “Daytime at Nine” and “San Antonio Living”.
Watch one of the shows here as they discuss articles from Recovery Today
Magazine as well featuring the hilarious actor, comic, writer, director, Andy
Dick. Andy shares his story of finally getting sober after many rehab attempts.
SAN ANTONIO LIVING
800-595-3803
Click Here for SOBA Malibu’s Website
For Drug or Alcohol Addiction Recovery Help for
You or Someone you Love, call 800-595-3803