October 17, 2014 - The Catholic Commentator

October
The Catholic
17, 2014 Commentator | October 17, 2014
GRIEF MINISTRY
The Catholic Commentator
All Saints’ and Souls’ Day Events — Page 3B
Bringing food to the bereaved. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 5
Going ‘Green’. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 4
Personalized funerals can miss spiritual aspects. . . Page 6
Hospice offer’s families respite . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Page 4
Grieving process can begin well before death . . . . . Page 8
1B
2B
The Catholic Commentator
GRIEF MINISTRY
October 17, 2014
Rabenhorst to open freestanding crematory
Rabenhorst Funeral Homes, Baton Rouge’s oldest continuously owned family business, opened a
freestanding crematory adjacent to its downtown
Government Street location in Baton Rouge.
“We are proud to continue our family’s almost
150 year tradition of investing in the Baton Rouge
community to expand our services,” says A. P.
“Phil” Rabenhorst, company president.
The 2,100 square foot building, which is architecturally similar to the downtown location, will
offer cremations to the Baton Rouge community
for both Rabenhorst locations.
“Families, who select cremation, are increasingly choosing to include it as part of a traditional
funeral with visitation,” Rabenhorst adds. “Having
an on-site crematory will allow us to personally
oversee every aspect of the cremation process.”
“We strive to personalize each service in accordance with the family’s wishes.”
“Cremations will be supervised by those Rabenhorst staff members, who have been certified by
the Louisiana State Board of Embalmers and Funeral Directors,” according to Steven A. Newman,
general manager.
“Unlike other funeral homes in Baton Rouge
with a crematory, Rabenhorst’s stand alone building allows for a greater level of privacy for families,
by offering a quiet area where family members who
wish to do so may be present at the beginning of
the cremation process,” Newman adds.
Rabenhorst Funeral Homes opened a freestanding crematory at its Government Street location.
All Saints’
Day
Service
Saturday,
Nov. 1
10:00 a.m.
Service conducted by
Father Miles Walsh,
pastor of Sacred Heart
Church
Silk flowers available
in the cemetery office
Roselawn
Memorial Park
225-344-0186 • 4045 North St., Baton Rouge, LA
Hospice of Baton Rouge plans
anniversary celebration
Local clergy and religious scholars
are expected to gather to celebrate the
30th anniversary of the Hospice of Baton
Rouge.
The event, “Honoring Care at the End
of Life,” is scheduled Oct. 21 from 10
a.m.-noon at the First United Methodist
Church Conference Center at 930 North
Blvd.
Rev. Amy Ziettlow is scheduled to
moderate a panel discussion on the topics of elder care, end of life and the commandment of honoring mother and fa-
ther. Rev. Ziettlow is the author of “The
Honor Commandment: Law, Religion
and the Challenge of Elder Care,” which is
scheduled to be published in June.
The discussion will include, but not
limited to, does the honor commandment
still hold power in today’s world, how are
members of each congregation living the
commandment, what role does family
caregiving play in the supporting of elders
and what are the gaps in support?
For more information, contact 225767-4673.
Online resources provide help for
funeral planning, grieving
WASHINGTON (CNS) — Many people
use websites for funeral planning after a
loved one has passed away. However, the
Internet can also be a source to find comfort throughout the grieving process, learn
about funeral etiquette, join a chat room or
find a nearby church support group.
Steve Grissom is the founder of GriefShare, a Christian program that uses a website (griefshare.org) to provide information
about grief and direct people to seminars
and support groups. Users can enter their
zip codes on the home page of the site to be
placed in a support group at one of 10,834
different sponsoring churches.
“So often people who are grieving look
for help on the Internet,” Grissom told Catholic News Service. “Websites such as GriefShare can offer help for people immediately
no matter what time they’re looking or what
circumstances they are in at the moment.”
Once participants have located a nearby
church offering the program, they meet for
13 weekly sessions. Each session features
a 30-to-40 minute video from top grief
SEE ONLINE PAGE 7
October 17, 2014
Albany
GRIEF MINISTRY
Oct. 31 Nov. 1
Nov. 1
Nov. 2 St. Helena
Oct. 31 10 a.m.
Blessing of Amite Memorial Gardens
Oct. 31 10:30 a.m. Blessing of Amite Cemetery
Oct. 31 11 a.m.
Blessing of Mulberry St. Cemetery
Baton Rouge
6 p.m.
8 a.m.
4 p.m.
10 a.m. St. Joseph
Nov. 1 7 a.m.
Cathedral
Nov. 2 10 a.m Nov. 2 4 p.m. 7 p.m. St. Louis King Oct. 31 10 a.m. of France
Nov. 1 9 a.m St. Patrick
Nov. 1 8:30 a.m.
St. Paul Nov. 1 8 a.m.
Bayou Goula
All Saints Candlelight Vigil Mass
All Saints Day Mass
All Souls Day Mass
Blessing of graves after Mass, weather permitting
All Saints Day Mass
Blessing of the graves of our deceased
bishops at the cathedral after Mass
Blessing of St. Joseph Cemetery
Blessing of Highland Cemetery
Mass and blessing at Greenoaks Memorial
Park, 9595 Florida Blvd.
All Saints Day Mass
All Saints Day Mass
All Saints Day Mass
St. Raphael
Cemetery
Nov. 2 Noon Blessing of the graves
St. Joan of Arc
Nov. 1 9 a.m. Nov. 2 8 a.m.
All Saints Day Mass
All Souls Day Mass
Bayou Pigeon
Bayou Sorrel
Indian Mound
Cemetery
Nov. 1 10:30 a.m. Blessing of the graves
Belle River
Sacred Heart Nov. 2. 7:30 a.m. Mass and blessing at cemetery
Cemetery
Belle Rose
St. Jules/St. Martin Nov. 2 8:30 a.m.
Brusly
St. John the Baptist
Convent
Nov. 1 8 a.m. Nov. 1 Noon
Blessing of the cemeteries following Mass
All Saints Day Mass
Blessing of the graves
St. Michael
Nov 2. 8:30 a.m.
Blessing of graves after Mass
Immaculate
Conception Nov. 2 Nov. 2
Nov. 2
Nov. 2
Nov. 2
Nov. 2
Blessing of Old/New Red Oak Cemetery
Special Memorial Service after Mass
Blessing of Denham Springs Memorial Cemetery
Blessing of Beech Ridge Cemetery
Blessing of Milton/Palmetta Cemetery
Blessing of Evergreen Memorial Cemetery
St. Joseph
Nov. 2 10:15 a.m. Blessing of St. Joseph Cemetery
Nov. 2 10:30 a.m. Blessing of French Settlement Community Cemetery
St. Mark
St. Theresa
of Avila
Nov. 1
Nov. 1
Nov. 1
Nov. 1
Nov. 2 Denham Springs
French Settlement
Gonzales
Husser
10 a.m. 11 a.m. 2 p.m. 3 p.m. 3:30 p.m. 4 p.m. 4 p.m.
8 a.m.
9 a.m.
10:30 a.m. 12:30 p.m. Annual Candlelight Procession before Mass
All Saints Mass
Blessing of Cornerview Cemetery
Blessing of Hope Haven Cemetery
Blessing of St. Theresa Cemetery
Livonia
St. Frances
Nov. 1 4:30 p.m. Mass and blessing in cemetery,
Xavier Cabrini
weather permitting
Maringouin
Immaculate Heart Nov. 2 11:00 a.m. Mass and blessing in cemetery,
of Mary
weather permitting
Maurepas
St. Stephen
the Martyr
St. Joseph
Nov. 2
Nov. 2
Nov. 2
Nov. 2
Nov. 2
Noon
12:30 p.m.
1 p.m.
1:45 p.m.
10:45 a.m.
Blessing of LeBourgeois Cemetery
Blessing of Whitehall Community Cemetery
Blessing of Maurepas CommunityCemetery
Blessing of Bear Island Cemetery
Blessing of Our Lady of Perpetual Help Cemetery
St. Ann
Nov. 2
11 a.m. Blessing of cemetery and mausoleum after Mass
Morganza
Napoleonville
St. Anne Nov. 1 8 a.m. Nov. 1 4 p.m.
Immaculate
Nov. 2 7:30 a.m.
Conception Chapel All Saints Day Mass
Candlelight Mass and blessing of the cemetery
Candlelight Mass and blessing of the cemetery
St. Mary of
False River
Nov. 1
Nov. 2
Nov. 2
Nov. 2
Nov. 2
All Saints Mass
Blessing of St. Francis Cemetery after Mass
All Souls Day Mass
Blessing of St. Mary Cemetery
Blessing of False River Memorial Park
St. Elizabeth Nov. 2 10:45 a.m. Blessing of the cemeteries following Mass
St. Joseph
Nov. 2 11 a.m.
Blessing of the graves following Mass
St. John the Evangelist
Nov. 1 4 p.m.
Nov. 2 Noon
Nov. 2 2 p.m.
All Souls Day Mass
Blessing of St. John Cemetery
Blessing of Grace Memorial Cemetery
New Roads
Paincourtvillle
Paulina
Plaquemine
Plattenville
Pierre Part
Nov. 1 3:30 p.m. Blessing of St. Joseph Cemetery
St. Joseph
Nov. 2 11 a.m.
Blessing of Port Vincent Cemetery
Oct. 26 1 p.m.
Oct. 26 3 p.m. Blessing of Holy Rosary Cemetery
Blessing of Lake Chapel Cemetery
Port Vincent
St. Amant
Holy Rosary St. Gabriel
St. Gabriel Nov. 1 8 a.m. All Saints Day Mass
Nov. 2 11:15 a.m. All Souls Day Mass and blessing of the graves
followed by lunch provided by KC
St. James
St. James Springfield
Tickfaw
Blessing of the graves
St. Joseph Nov. 2 9 a.m. Mass and blessing in the cemetery
St. Mary Chapel Independence
Mater Dolorosa Nov. 1 9 a.m. Nov. 1 9 a.m. Blessing of Colonial Cemetery
Blessing of Stevens Cemetery
St. Philomena Nov. 2 10 a.m.
Blessing of the cemetery following Mass
Labadieville
Lakeland
Immaculate Nov. 1 9 a.m.
Conception
Blessings of the graves in Chenal,
Lakeland immediately following
Nov. 2 2 pm. St. Thomas Chapel Nov. 1 8 a.m.
Nov. 2 8 a.m.
Nov. 1 10 a.m.
St. Vincent Chapel Nov. 2 9:30 a.m. Mass with blessing of mausoleum afterward
Candlelight Mass and blessing of the
cemetery
St. Joseph
the Worker
St. Dominic Innis
9 a.m.
7 a.m.
11 a.m.
1 p.m.
2:30 p.m.
Assumption of the Nov. 2 9:30 a.m.
Blessed Virgin Mary
Our Lady of
Pompeii
Grosse Tete
3B
All Saints’ and Souls’ Day Events
St. Margaret
Queen of Scotland
Amite
The Catholic Commentator
Union
Vacherie
Blessing of the graves
All Saints Day Mass
All Souls Day Mass
Nov. 2 10:30 a.m. Blessing of the cemetery
Nov. 2 2 p.m.
Blessing of cemetery
Our Lady of Peace Nov. 2 9 a.m.
St. Philip
Nov. 2 10 a.m.
Blessing of the graves after Mass
Blessing of the graves after Mass
Our Lady of
Prompt Succor
St. Catherine
Laboure Chapel
All Souls Day Vigil Mass
All Souls Day Mass
Blessing of White Castle Cemetery
All Souls Day Mass
White Castle
Nov. 1 Nov. 2 Nov. 2
Nov. 2
5 p.m.
10 a.m. 11:15 a.m.
6 p.m. 4B
The Catholic Commentator
GRIEF MINISTRY
October 17, 2014
Going ‘green’ is not just for the living; trend includes burials, funerals
WASHINGTON (CNS) — Many people
focused on maintaining a sustainable lifestyle can now expand this to end-of-life
practices as “green” or natural funerals and
burials join the rising movement toward
sustainability.
Sustainable burial practices include
efforts to protect the health of workers,
conserving natural resources, minimizing
carbon emissions and conserving and repairing the environment.
“Sustainability is something that should
be in our DNA as Catholic Christians,” said
Father Charles Morris, president of the
Green Burial Council International, a nonprofit organization that promotes and supports sustainable funeral practices.
Father Morris, from Wyandotte, Mich.,
in the Archdiocese of Detroit, emphasizes
that death can and ought to be connected
to life.
“We are all part of the cycle of life,” he
said. “Green burials help us to re-experience that we are all, as we are reminded on
Ash Wednesday, dust and unto dust we are
to return.”
Father Morris was the former administrator for Mount Carmel Cemetery in Wyandotte, the first U.S. Catholic cemetery
certified by the Green Burial Council. The
cemetery permits the use of plant-based
embalming fluids and biodegradable caskets. It also gives families the option to use
shrouds instead of caskets in burials.
Baton Rouge’s newest inpatient hospice unit,
focused on providing palliative care
for your loved one.
Now Open
he
Call (225) 291-4700 for more information.
The Crossing at Clarity Hospice • 9191 Bluebonnet Blvd., Baton Rouge • www.clarity-hospice.org
All Saints’ Day Mass
10:00 a.m.
Friday, Oct. 31, 2014
Garden of Resurrection
Celebrated by Father Jack Nutter
(Please bring a lawn chair)
9595 Florida Boulevard • Baton Rouge, Louisiana 70815 • 225-925-5331
Honored
Provider
100% Service Guarantee • National Network
National Transferability of Prearranged Services
24-Hour Compassion Helpline
www.GreenoaksMemorial.com
“Green” or natural funerals and burials are gaining popularity throughout the country.
The benefits of natural funerals are health protection for workers, conservation of natural resources, minimization of carbon emissions and conservation and repairment of the
environment. CNS photo
“The experience of a green burial where
the family lays the body down in a shroud
that they have made and takes turns putting dirt in the grave is very powerful and
profoundly spiritual,” he said.
James Olson, spokesperson for the National Funeral Directors Association, based
in Brookfield, Wis., said some of the most
common natural burial practices include
using caskets made of seagrass, wicker,
fiberboard and sustainable woods, using
natural shrouds and no embalming fluids
or nonformaldehyde-based embalming
fluids. All the details of the process usually
feature biodegradable materials.
He said sustainable burial practices are
not a new concept, but they have evolved
over time, especially after World War II.
In previous times throughout history,
natural burials were more common, Olson
explained. Today many cemeteries require
a concrete burial vault to protect from
collapse when using heavy maintenance
SEE GREEN PAGE 8
Hospice offers respite to families,
dignity to the patient
By Emily Ard
Clarity Hospice
Hospice care is about hope. It is a
wonderful service that far too few people
know about and even fewer use to its full
benefit.
Hospice care is covered by Medicare
and many private insurances. Hospice
can provide comfort, dignity and care
that is truly focused on the patient.
Hospice care offers several levels of
care for patients diagnosed with a life
limiting illness. Although every effort is
made to keep loved ones at home, sometimes they may require more specialized
care.
Inpatient hospice provides optimal
control of pain and other symptoms, and
management of complicated diseases decreasing the need for extended hospitalization. Hospice attends to the physical,
emotional and spiritual needs of each patient and their family in a tranquil setting
during their end of life care.
Inpatient hospice can also be a transition from hospital to home when patients
need additional care for symptom management or uncontrolled pain. Inpatient
care can also be used for respite; this level
of care is used more for the family than
the patient. If the family is the primary
source of care and cannot meet the patient’s needs because of caregiver stress
or other circumstance, a patient can temporarily be admitted to give the family a
needed break. Respite care is limited to
five consecutive days.
Anxiety surrounding end-of-life care
can develop from not having answers.
Regardless of the level of care, one can
expect the hospice philosophy to remain
the same. It is a time to find rest, and confident that your loved one will be cared for
in a manner that maintains that person’s
dignity. Family members can gather courage and get the support needed during the
final days of their journey together.
November is National Hospice and Palliative Care month. During the month of
November, hospice agencies are reaching
out to raise awareness, and to advocate
quality, compassionate state of the art
care for those facing a life limiting illness.
October 17, 2014
GRIEF MINISTRY
The Catholic Commentator
5B
Providing loss, grief and bereavement
support to our community.
Grief in the Holidays:
November 17 • 6:30 pm
Ochsner Medical Center
30
1984 - 2014
YEARS
OF EXCELLENCE
Bringing food to a person grieving the loss of a loved one is often therapeutic for the cook as well as the
individual experiencing grief. “A lot of times, people have difficulty finding the right words to express their
condolences, and a gift of food conveys their warm support,” said Dr. Carole Lieberman, a psychiatrist and
For almost 150 years,
author based in Los Angeles. CNS photo
The hospice
B aT o n R o u g e
Rabenhorst has responded
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of
community’s needs.
When lasagna says more than words:
bringing food to the bereaved
CNS — Often after the death of the loved one
of a friend, neighbor or co-worker, people are at a
loss for what to say or do but they might be quick
to whip up a batch of brownies or a chicken casserole.
And that is just the right thing — for the person
who cooks it and the recipients — say those who
have been there.
Noelle Hawton, parishioner at Nativity of Mary
parish in Bloomington, Minn., said when she was
unexpectedly widowed at the age of 28, she had
her first experience with lots of food suddenly arriving at her doorstep.
“I had never lost anyone before and found it
odd and surprising that neighbors I hadn’t even
met yet, as well as co-workers, were sending me
food,” she told Catholic News Service in an email.
What she also hadn’t expected was how her
home would become a central location for family members as they made plans for her husband’s
funeral and burial.
“That food was a godsend, as it allowed us all to
eat without having to plan meals or hit the store,
which none of us had the energy to do,” she said.
Hawton, a senior vice president of Tunheim,
a Minneapolis-based communications firm, has
been quick to return the favor, saying she always
brings food to someone who has experienced a
death in the family; but she also makes the point
to “bring it over frozen in case they have lots of
fresh food they will be working to get through.”
Sending a frozen meal is one tip among many
that regular donors and bloggers suggest. Other
suggestions include: trays of cut-up vegetables
and fruit, bagels and cream cheese, sandwich
trays, soups or stews, pies or casseroles. Ideally,
food should be easy to transport and easy to eat.
It should also hold well and freeze well.
Dr. Carole Lieberman, a psychiatrist and author based in Los Angeles, said “a lot of times,
Today, they continue
225.767.4673 • www.hospicebr.org
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6B
The Catholic Commentator
GRIEF MINISTRY
October 17, 2014
Growing trend of personalized funerals can miss key spiritual aspects
LONG ISLAND, N.Y (CNS)
— The trend in funerals today
toward more personalized, less
traditional ceremonies is taking
these services where no funerals
have gone before.
In recent years funeral industry officials have reported a wide
range of different ways people
are paying tribute to friends
and loved ones. For example,
Houston-based Space Services
Inc., specializing in commercial
space ventures, will launch cremated remains into orbit.
Other more literally downto-earth funerals have included ceremonies on a golf course
when the deceased was an avid
golfer or having an ice cream
truck lead the funeral procession
for the burial of man who made
his living selling ice cream.
“We have been seeing this for
some time,” said Daniel Biggins,
a spokesperson for the National
Funeral Directors Association
and vice president and chief operating officer for Magoun-Biggins Funeral Home in Rockland,
Mass.
More common personalized
funerals include displays of photos, playing of videos about the
deceased or music dear to the
departed, Biggins said. Often
the funeral home is replacing
the church as the funeral venue — with or without a minister,
priest or deacon.
“People want the funeral to
reflect the life of their loved one,”
Biggins said. “It is a very consumer-driven movement.”
Many who minister to grieving families from a Christian
Honor Those We Love.
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Displaying photos, playing of videos about the deceased or music dear to the departed are some of the
features in today’s trend of personalizing a loved one’s funeral. CNS photo
perspective say they understand
the desire for personalized funerals, but they also offer caution.
Rev. Thomas Long, a Presbyterian minister and professor
of theology at Emory University in Atlanta, said the trend of
personalized funerals reflects
changes in the culture.
“It took five centuries for the
Christian church to develop a
funeral rite that is truly Christian,” said Rev. Long, author of
“Accompany Them With Singing: The Christian Funeral,”
and co-author of the soon-tobe-released “The Good Funeral:
Death, Grief and the Community of Care.”
The narrative behind the
Christian approach to a funeral, he explained, is that “the deceased is on a journey to God.
We are accompanying them
along the journey.”
He said the journey begins
with baptism, for which the newly baptized person wears a white
garment. At the funeral, the final stage of that journey, the deceased has a white pall draped
over the casket to evoke baptism.
Sister Mary Alice Piil, a sister of St. Joseph and director of
the Office of Faith Formation for
the Diocese of Rockville Centre,
N.Y., said some families, in their
desire for personalization, have
difficulty grasping the symbolism in traditional funerals.
For example, she said one
woman spoke to her about a New
York Yankees’ flag draped over a
casket at a funeral and couldn’t
understand the insistence on the
traditional white pall.
Yet the same woman came
back a few weeks later with
glowing stories about her grandson’s baptism.
“Was your grandson wearing
a Yankees’ gown?” Sister Mary
Alice inquired.
“I’m beginning to see your
point,” the woman replied.
“At the heart of the Catholic
funeral is the Catholic faith,”
said Msgr. Rick Hilgartner, director of the U.S. bishops’ Secretariat of Divine Worship in
Washington.
“It’s not just the remembrance of the deceased,” Msgr.
Hilgartner said, but the paschal
mystery, what Jesus does to
save, and the kingdom of God.
Rev. Long traces the shift in
focus of the Christian funeral
to the 19th century, pointing out
that funerals began emphasizing
the mourners and their sorrow
more than the person’s journey
of life and death, which he said
narrowed the focus to “an exercise in grief management.”
He said he does not object
to grief management but added that the “best thing for grief
management is meaning,” which
the traditional Christian funeral
“is better able to communicate.”
He said the modern personalized services — that leave out
the deceased’s connection with
their community or faith — offer
“false comfort” that fades once
mourners leave the service.
“It’s possible to do both,”
said Jay Smith, president of
Smith-Corcoran Funeral Home
in Chicago. He said most families chose a traditional funeral,
but there are still efforts to make
the funerals more personal, particularly at the funeral home.
“The funeral home is simply
that, an extension of the home,”
agreed Sister Mary Alice. “That
is the place to tell the stories, to
sing the songs, to show the pictures.” The funeral home is also
the place for a eulogy, a remembrance of the person who died.
At the funeral Mass, there is
a different dynamic, she said,
where the Scripture readings,
homily, sacred music and all the
other liturgical elements work
together. Introducing secular
music or a eulogy during Mass
“disrupts the whole flow.”
Still, a eulogy can be given
before Mass. Favorite music also
has its place outside church, Sister Mary Alice said. “One family
wanted to a have a traditional
New Orleans jazz funeral,” which
she applauded, but instructed
them to have it outside church
beforehand. Some families have
an Irish bagpipe player outside
after Mass.
While there might be initial
confusion in today’s culture
about the value of traditional
Christian rites, Sister Mary Alice said, “if you take the time to
explain it to people, they get it.”
October 17, 2014
GRIEF MINISTRY
The Catholic Commentator
‘Death cafes’ confront difficult topics with conversation, cake
BALTIMORE (CNS) — When Valerie Sirani and
Amy Brown hosted the first gathering in Baltimore
known as a “death cafe,” they did not know what to
expect .
“If five people showed up, I would have been happy with that,” Brown told Catholic News Service. Instead they had 29 participants, ranging in age from
18 to 85, for a two-hour discussion over coffee and
cake of issues many have a hard time discussing
with their friends and relatives.
Sirani, a palliative care nurse, and Brown, who
works in gynecological oncology at a Baltimore
hospital, both have a longtime interest in issues
surrounding death and dying. When they heard
through a mutual friend about the social movement
known as death cafes, both wanted to bring the idea
to their town. The first death cafe took place in 2011 in London, based on the work of Swiss sociologist Bernard
Crettaz, who hosted what he called “cafe mortels” in
Switzerland and France years earlier. The first U.S.
death cafe was in 2012 in Columbus, Ohio. As of July 2013, about 1,000 people in England,
Wales, the United States, Australia and Italy had
attended death cafes, according to the movement’s
website at deathcafe.com. The objective of the gatherings is to “increase
awareness of death with a view to helping people
make the most of their (finite) lives,” the website says.
As a nurse working with women suffering from
cancers of the reproductive organs, Brown said she
has found “a huge part” of her work “is the survivorship piece.”
“There is a fair amount of death, dying and bereavement,” she said. “But there is also a huge survivorship component.”
Brown said she sees “a lot of death anxiety in the
United States — among health professionals, patients, friends and family.” But if people are “willing
to talk about death and dying, they are willing to talk
about life and living” and more willing “to accept
death as a reality,” she said. There is no set agenda or schedule for the death
cafes, in order to allow participants to dictate what
they would like to talk about. The only rules are that
no one should try to sway other participants to a particular ideology or belief system and that the discussion must be respectful and confidential. And there
also must be cake or some other nourishment.
Religion and spirituality can play a large part in
the discussions, although participants in the Baltimore death cafe came from a wide variety of religious backgrounds. Some were Catholics, some agnostic, several were nondenominational Christians
and there was a Buddhist, an Episcopalian and a
self-described “animist/Bahai-ish” person.
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From page 2
recovery experts followed by discussion. Participants can also use
daily workbook exercises to give
them a spiritual perspective.
For those not ready to meet
face to face with a group, the site
offers an online bookstore with
specifically selected books about
grieving as well as an option to receive daily emails of support with
Scripture and personal stories as
well as links to videos.
“Some people need access to
grieving material online in the
event that they couldn’t get to a
support group due to scheduling
reasons or because they aren’t yet
comfortable with the idea of joining a group,” Grissom said.
He said people using GriefShare come from all over the globe
and access the website at various
hours of the day and night. Some
26,000 people visited the website
in the month of June 2013.
Richard Paskin, the co-founder and managing director of funeralwise.com, said the anonymity of online grieving sites can also
be beneficial for those who are not
ready to join a support group.
Funeralwise.com offers not
only information about grief
and grief support but also material covering funeral planning,
etiquette, customs and more.
The site’s online store sells flowers, memorial items, books and
music.
The website acknowledges that
Family owned since 1941
Serving families with
dignity, sincerity, and respect
Susan K. McKneely
Owner
985-345-5801
Hammond
985-386-6580
Ponchatoula
[email protected]
www.harrymckneely.com
Numerous websites are available to help those who are grieving the
loss of loved ones. Websites also provide information covering funeral planning, etiquette, customs and more. CNS photo
grief must be dealt with differently in certain situations. It provides
specific material and help for
those dealing with death of an infant or child, terminal illness and
death of a spouse.
The website healthfulchat.org
offers a bereavement and grief
chat room. The site points out
that “social interaction can help
you prioritize your grief and may
help you heal faster,” and it also
notes that “there may be loved
ones around you who, try as they
might, cannot possibly comprehend what you are going through
or why moving on with your life is
so difficult for you.” The option of
a chat room offers support from
people who can relate and who
are are dealing with similar experiences of loss.
As the site’s philosophy explains: “Everyone grieves at their
own pace. No matter how long it
has been since your loss, you need
a supportive environment of empathy to make it through.”
7B
8B
The Catholic Commentator
GRIEF MINISTRY
October 17, 2014
For many, grieving process begins well before death of loved one
LONG ISLAND, N.Y. (CNS) — Grieving
for a loved one can begin long before that
loved one dies.
“I’ve said that the day they die is the
day you cry, but it’s not the day that you
lost them,” said Ralph Zerbonia, an entrepreneur from Youngstown, Ohio, who for
years watched his mother, Gloria, decline
through dementia.
“There is not even a certain date that
you can cite where the loss takes place,”
said Zerbonia. Before his mother’s illness,
she was well known in her neighborhood
and her church parish for her outgoing,
kind personality.
“I think the word that people used was
ebullient,” he said.
As the disease progressed, she became
angry, temperamental, demanding, Zerbonia said. She also couldn’t remember
him or his brother.
Pam Bradley of South Bend, Ind., recalls her father’s decline from amyotrophic
lateral sclerosis, commonly known as Lou
Gehrig’s disease a progressive neurodegenerative disease that affects nerve cells
in the brain and the spinal cord.
From her father’s diagnosis to his death,
she found herself grieving “in baby steps.”
The father that she and her brothers and
sisters knew was vibrant and personable.
The grief process often begins long before the death of a loved one. Grieving takes place
throughout the illness of a loved one, especially as that person’s health declines. CNS photo
He had kept active, even joining the YMCA
as he grew older.
Then he found himself experiencing
unsteadiness on his feet. Later he began
falling. His doctor diagnosed him with
ALS and told him that he needed a walking stick. Eventually he couldn’t drive a
car.
“I remember when he couldn’t take off
his socks,” Bradley said, but he was proud
when he found a way to push them off with
his cane. Later, he needed a walker.
“At one point I remember realizing,
‘He’s not going to be able to visit us again,’”
Bradley said. Even after he was confined to
his bed, there were still new levels of grief.
“Dad was very friendly, and he loved to
talk. His high school yearbook listed his
nickname as ‘Joe the Jaw,’” Bradley said
with an affectionate laugh. In time, he lost
his ability to speak and was forced to communicate “with a strange spelling mechanism.”
“At each point, you realize,” Bradley
said, “it is not the same dad or the same
grandpa.”
“I don’t think it is unusual for a caregiver or a family member to begin griev-
GREEN 
From page 4
equipment such as lawnmowers. After an
increase in machinery following World
War II, practices such as the concrete vaults
were incorporated into burial preparations.
Olson said cost often does not play a
role in families’ decisions to have a natural
burial. He said the resources used for traditional funerals are more readily available
and therefore often less expensive than
those used in green burials and funerals.
Father Morris said people might be reluctant to use sustainable burial practices
THE
CARPENTER
HOUSE
FOOD 
From page 5
hurting.”
She also advises givers not to think of
the time of dropping off a meal as necessarily the chance for long discussion
or commiserating because the bereaved
might not be ready for that.
Piper also writes — on mollypiper.
com — that there is no set timeline for
ing long before the person dies,” said
Bill Dodds of Mountlake Terrace, Wash.
Dodds, a veteran journalist, is co-founder
and president of the Friends of St. John
the Caregiver, an international Catholic
organization for family caregivers. He
and his late wife, Monica, for years wrote
a Catholic News Service column on caring
for an elderly parent.
He said he heard many stories through
the years of how people coped with the
health decline of a parent.
“They grieve losses along the way and
the relationship changes. Every story is the
same and every story is unique,” he said,
noting that the reason for and the nature
of the person’s decline and the individual
family’s circumstances all make the experience different.
Yet the reality of the loss is universal, he
noted.
One husband he knows had a wife with
Alzheimer’s disease. She had forgotten
who her husband was. She was at a nursing home “and sometimes would flirt with
a male resident.”
The husband visited her daily and understood, Dodds said. “He wrote of her
lovingly.”
Dodd’s knowledge of this subject also
comes from personal experience. During
the last year of his wife’s life as she battled
cancer, he said he “had to gradually let go
of things” whether it was the trips they enjoyed, long nightly walks or eventually the
ministry that they practiced together.
He said the process “can be very lonely” as caregivers and family members cope
with the gradual losses they suffer. “It
helps to know that there are others going
through the same kind of experiences.”
because of lack of exposure to the idea and
resistance among some funeral providers
to accommodate green burial practices.
“Until people have the experience of a
green burial it is difficult for them to know
what is involved and the impact it can
have,” he said. “As with any new practice, or
in this case a rediscovery of a very old practice, there are those who are early adopters.
But for the rest of the public, it will take a
while (to catch on).”
For him, green burials make sense because “we are all ‘part of,’ not ‘apart from’
creation” and “sustainable burial practices
bring that all home.”
bringing food to someone who is grieving.
“Most of you probably don’t know anyone who lost a loved one so recently that
meals are still being organized for them,”
she wrote. “But you do probably know
someone who endured a loss six, seven,
12 months ago. I can almost guarantee that if you called and asked to bring
dinner this week, you’d bless their oven
mitts off. It’s never too late.”