songbook

Transcription

songbook

APOLOGETIX
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1993-2015
ApologetiX Albums & EP’s
2
ApologetiX Singles
3
ApologetiX Through the Years
Earliest Concert
3/27/1992
4
ApologetiX Through the Years
Latest Concert
10/24/2015
5
TABLE OF CONTENTS
DISCOGRAPHY
Cassettes12
Isn’t Wasn’t Ain’t
13
Radical History Tour
14
Ticked15
Jesus Christ Morningstar
16
Biblical Graffiti
17
Spoofernatural18
Keep the Change
19
Grace Period
20
Adam Up
21
New and Used Hits
22
Apol-acoustiX23
Hits: The Road
24
Wordplay25
Rare Not Well Done, Vol. 1
26
27
Chosen Ones
28
12 Downloads of Christmas
29
Future Tense
30
Recovery31
The Boys Aren’t Backin’ Down
32
Soundproof33
Classics – Party
34
Classics – Heavy
35
Classics – Light
36
Classics – Country
37
Classics – Oldies
38
Classics – 60’s
39
Classics – 70’s, Vol. 1
40
Classics – 70’s, Vol. 2
41
Classics – 80’s
42
Classics – 90’s
43
Classics – 2000’s
44
Wise Up and Rock
45
Orchard Avenue
46
20:20 Vision
47
Hot Potato Soup
48
Churchigo II
49
Transformed Soul
50
Classics - Christmas
51
Handheld Messiah
52
Singles Group
53
Loaded 45’s
54
Apoplectic55
Unconditional Releases
56
Easter Standard Time
57
Music Is as Music Does
58
Play Nice
59
You Can’s Say Euphrates Without the 80’s
60
Downloadable singles
61
SONG LYRICS
80’s Medley: Octagon but Not Forgotten
66
969 68
Aaronic69
Act Selfless
70
A.D. 1992/Rockin’ the Paradise Club
71
Addicted to Christ (1996)
72
73
Ain’t That a Miracle (1993)
74
75
All ApologetiX 76
All My Letters
77
All the Stalls Stink 78
Already Goin’
79
Although None Could Watch an Hour 80
Amos 81
Animals I Have Begun
82
Another One Died for Us
83
Anteater 85
Apostle Me 86
Aquila87
Are You Gonna Be Ike’s Girl
88
Armageddon Valley Someday 89
The Atheists
90
Baa! We’re Lambs
91
6
Babylona92
Back in a Hurry
93
Back in the New Testament 94
Back Intact
95
Bad Case of Leprosy
96
Bad Dad 97
Bad Dude Risin’ 98
Ballad of Jesus and Yahweh 99
Barroom Hitz
100
Bartimaeus Eyes
101
Bathwater102
Be Bold Jeremiah 103
Be Like David Was (1993)
104
105
Bends to Low Places
106
Bethlehemian Rhapsody (1994)
107
108
Bethlehem’s Boy
109
Better Than Exorcism
110
Bible in Hand
111
Big Deal 112
Bone Digger
113
Born Above
115
Born-Again Child
116
Boulevard of Both Extremes 117
Boy Tell the World 118
119
Brush120
Called My Wife
121
Calling Dr. Luke
122
Can’t Buy Free Love
123
Can’t Eat Enough
124
Casket Place
125
Catch That Fever! (1994)
126
127
Cemetery Came Alive
128
Cheap Birds 129
(Check Out) the Book 130
Child King
131
Choirboy 132
Choose Your Daddy
134
Christ in the Stable
135
Christ’s Wedding
136
Christians Doin’ Music 137
Christmasnite 138
Clothing Time
139
Come for Some
140
Come on, Heal the Boy
141
Come Out and Pray 142
Come to Father
143
Come, Whale, Away 144
Comeback145
Communion Ain’t Just Bread Now
146
Complain147
Corinthians148
Cornelius 149
Cöstly Trüth
150
Could He Choose You
152
Counting Blessings
153
Cousin Zephaniah
154
Crazy Little King God Loves
155
Credence Thru Deepwater Survival
156
Crowd of Foreign Girls 157
Cut-Rate Hotel
158
Dancing Dave
159
Dancing with the Ark
160
Daniel161
David and Goliath 162
A Day in the Loaf
163
Day Kippur
164
Death165
December 5 or 6 B.C. (Oh Holy Night)
166
Desperate Queen
167
Devil Fell
168
The Devil Went Down to Jordan
169
Did You Ever Ask Where Cain Got His Wife? 170
Didn’t Just Die
171
Died and Rose 172
Do What David Did
173
Donkey Talked with Him 174
Don’t Be Fooled
175
Don’t Bring Me Cows
176
Don’t Fear the People
177
Don’t Stop Till Egypt
178
Don’t Try 179
Downer of a Sister 180
Drop of Lucifer
181
Drop Your Knife and Hurry, Man
182
Droppin’ on the Sun 183
Dude (Would Like to Save Me) 184
Eight Ways to Be
185
El-ijah 186
Emmaus187
Enemy Lines
188
Enter Samson (1994)
189
Enter Samson (1999)
190
Ephesians191
Even Though
192
Every Crown Has Its Thorns
193
Every Step to Take
194
Excuse Me, Pal, It’s Christmastime
195
E.Z.Kiel196
Faith Pt. 2 197
Faithless Love
198
Fakey Shaky Parts
199
Fast Paul
200
Fearful201
Feelin’ Stronger in the Faith
202
Fight for Your Right to Parody
203
Fishin’ on a Pier (2000)
204
7
205
Flirtin’ with the Pastor
206
Flurry207
Fly Away from Hell
208
Fly Like Ezekiel
209
Follow Me 210
A Fool Can Sound Intelligent
211
For Just You
212
Found God
213
Genny 22
214
Get a Bite
215
Get Found Tonight
216
Gideon (Man of God) 217
Gideon’s Comin’
218
Gimme Helper
219
Gimme Pre-Trib
220
Go Right Now
221
God I Like About You
222
God Knows You’ve Tried
223
God of Peace
224
God’s Blood
225
God’s Own Son
226
Good Guys Bad Guys
227
Good News Bookie
228
Goodnews229
Grinch Girl
230
Guard Your Candle
231
Guide the Way 232
Ha-Bakk233
Hanukkah234
He Really Got Mad (1993)
235
He Really Got Mad (2009) 236
He Spoke 237
Heaven Isn’t Like That
238
Heavenly Hill
239
Hell!240
Hell Smells
241
Help Me, Rhoda
242
Here Come the Sons
243
Here I Go (Against All I’ve Known) 244
Herman’s Sermon
245
Hey Zaccheus (1996)
246
Hey Zaccheus (2007)
247
Hit ‘em with Your Slingshot
248
Hold On, Christ’s Comin’
249
Holy Land
250
Hosanna251
Hotel Can’t Afford Ya
252
How You Rewind Me
253
Huge Slumber Party
254
Humpty Dumpty Country Club
255
Hundred Nineteenth Psalm
256
Hurry Home Wayward Son
257
I Can’t Escape
258
I Can’t Grow from That (Nor Can You)
259
I Dealt with You
260
I Feel God
261
I Found the Answer There
262
I Have to Die First
263
I Know a Riddle 264
I Love Apostle Paul 265
I Made the Team 266
I Saw the Answer There
267
I Wanna Read the Bible
268
I Want in That Place
269
I Want That Crown
270
I Went in the Stream 271
Ignorant Song 272
I’ll Prepare for You
273
I’m a Receiver
274
I’m Cured
275
I’m Gonna Feed (500 Mouths) 276
InYerFace Love Song
277
Iran (So Far Away) 278
Iraq & Iran 279
Isaac Man
280
Isn’t Wasn’t Ain’t 281
It’s All in God’s Control
282
It’s Not Eden
283
It’s Tough (Song About Nehemiah)
284
It’s You in Me
285
I’ve Got Elijah Fightin’ Baal 286
Jacob’s Name Is Israel 287
Jail Got Rocked
288
James 1:3
289
JC’s Mom
290
Jehovah291
Jephthah You Needed
292
Jericho 293
Jesse’s Boy
294
Jesus (Sermon on the Mount)
295
Jesus and Moses
296
Jezebel297
John 1:1 298
Jonah Jonah 299
Judge300
Judgment Gets Passed (1994)
301
302
Keep on Loving Ruth 303
Keep Your Arms Steady 304
Keep Your Ham to Yourself 305
Kick in the Wall
306
Kosmik307
La Bible 308
Land of Delusion 309
Last Night 310
Last Rain the Clouds Spill
311
Lawful Woman (in a Bad Place) 312
Lazy Brain 313
Lazzie Lay
314
8
Learn Some Deuteronomy 315
Lemonade316
Let’s End the Fight Together
317
Let’s Redo the Music
318
Letterman 319
A Lie
320
Life in the Last Days (1994)
321
322
Life Restored
323
Lifestyles of the Rich & Nameless
324
Lightning Flashes
325
Lily-White Boy
326
Lions (1993)
327
Lions (2010)
328
Listening After Midnight 329
Little Esther 330
Little-Read Bible Book 331
Little Sins 332
Lived the Day You Died
333
Livin’ What Jesus Spoke Of 335
Lock336
Look Yourself 337
Lost and Found 339
Love (Ain’t Nothin’) 340
Love & Kisses 341
Love the Jews
342
L.S.F.343
Magdalena344
Mama Told Me (What’s to Come) 345
Man on a Cross
346
Manger347
Mary’s Got a Son
348
Matching Punches
349
Matthew 9
350
Maybe Madonna
351
Mediterranean Wholebook News 352
Meshach353
Messiah354
Micah No. 5
355
Midnight Hour, Pt. 2
356
Mishael357
Miss Martha
358
Mister Christian
359
Monkey Scheme 360
Monkeys for Uncles
361
More Than a Healing
362
More Than Works
363
Mrs. Protestant
364
Must Seem Silly
365
Nain366
Naomi Gonna Be with Ruth
367
Narrow Way to Heaven
368
Never Been to Spain (Yet)
369
The New Testament in Living Color
370
Nice Iced Pavement
371
Nicky373
No Chain
374
No Existence
375
No One Is Good but One
376
No Shepherd Tonight/New Other Nature 377
None Too Ladylike 378
Not Logs Lincoln 379
Not Named Job
380
Not Some Old Fantasy 381
Obadiah 382
Obed-Edom Obadiah
383
Offer Your Prayer
384
Old Man
385
Old Time Romans Road 386
Once Livin’ Twice Died
387
One Headline
388
One More Wall
389
One Night in Bethlehem
390
One of These Guys
391
One of Us Indeed
392
One Thing Leads to the Father 393
One Way
394
Parable Guy 396
Patients (1993)
398
Patients (2015)
399
People400
People Are Lazy 401
Pharaoh-noid402
Play Fair Delilah
403
Play That Funny Music
404
Plump405
The Power Above
406
Pray Now (Lost Art)
407
Preachers408
Proving My Religion (1995)
409
410
Psalm Passage at Night
411
Psalms Come True (1992)
412
413
Psum 14
414
Puffed-Up Cliques
415
Put You Down in My Will
416
Read Acts
417
Read Ephesians (1994)
418
419
The Real Sin Savior 420
Regeneration422
Resist Him 423
Revelation424
Revelation Man 425
Rock and Roots 426
Rock This Tower 427
Rocky Day Woman #8 & 3-11
428
Rocky Start 429
Rocky’s Now My Name
430
9
Rollin’ in the Yeast
431
Ronomy 432
Sa-Maria 433
Sabbath Day That’s Alright for Righting
434
Sabbath Day’s Quite Alright for Nice Things
435
Sad Today in the Dark
436
Saint Jude
437
Santa Claus
438
Save Your Voice (Quiet Down, Boy)
439
Scars440
Scripture441
Search and You’ll Get Saved
442
Second Glance
443
The Second Half of Acts
444
Second Timothy
445
Seek Out God to Be Free
446
Separate Days (to Worship God)
447
Servin’ the Father 448
Set Him Free
449
Sheba450
Sheba Woman
451
Shepherd’s Paradise
452
Shoestring Tie-er (1992)
453
Shoestring Tie-er (2009)
454
Should I Pray or Should I Go? 455
Shovin’, Crushin’, Squeezin’
456
Simp Liztik
457
Sin Can Be Resistible 458
Sin of the World 459
Singled You Out
460
Smart Blest Man
461
Smarten Up 462
Smells Like Thirtysomething Spirit
463
Smooth Grandmama
464
So Render (to Caesar)
465
Some Sign from Above
466
Somebody Sold Me 467
The Sounds of Silas
468
A Source with No Name
469
Special Stone
470
Spirit Inside
471
The Spittle 472
Spread the Way
473
Stay in the Light
474
Stone Him Rough
475
Story of a Squirrel 476
Strange Cat, But ...
477
Strangest Folks
478
Stupid World 479
Stupid’s Stronghold/Reckless in America
480
Such Impressive Loving Smart Close Friends
481
Sufferin’ Just Finished
482
Superficial483
Sweet Jesus Made a Whip
484
Sweet Oholibamah 485
Swimmer486
The Tablecloth (Peter’s Vision)
487
Take Jude
488
Talk About the Lord
489
Talk and I’ll Walk
490
Talking Inner Peace
491
Telling the Drama
492
Temple Physician 493
That Daughter (1993)
494
That Daughter (2010)
495
These Streams
496
They Blindly Speak of Science 497
This Is from Paul
498
Time for Me to Die
499
Timeline500
Tip from an Angel
501
To Be Rebuked
502
Tom Saw Ya
503
Too Much Grime on My Hands
504
Too Pregnant
505
Too Wicked for Paradise
506
Transplants 507
Trinity 508
Triune Godhead 509
Trooth 510
Trust Him 511
Trust in the Lord
512
Try and Try Again
513
Try Micah
514
Tufftumbling515
Turning a Little Seasick
516
Twins Came Out
517
Two-Time Baby/Lord’s House Blues
518
Under the Breath (1995)
519
Under the Breath (2014)
520
Unfinished Job
521
Upper Room
522
Very Wiser 523
Verynice City
524
Virgin (1994)
525
Virgin (2013)
526
The Voice of Sodom
527
Wake Up Talitha Cumi 528
Walk His Way 529
Walk on the Water
530
Want It Dead or Alive?
531
We Didn’t Start Messiah
532
We Got the Feet
534
We Will Walk Through
535
Weep Jeremiah
536
Welcome to the Judges
537
We’re in a Parody Band
538
We’re More Than Champions
539
We’re Not Goin’ to Canaan
540
We’re Not Gonna Drown
541
10
What Is and Will Forever Be
542
Wherever You Will Sow 543
The Whole Darn Roof Leaks
544
Who’s There 545
Wicked546
Wise Men Still
547
Wish You Could Hear
548
With a Harp David Writes
549
With Little Help from My Friends
550
Won’t Get Born Again
551
The Word
552
Working for the Weakened
553
Wrongview554
Yer Maker 555
Yes Today
556
YHWH 557
You Ain’t Been Nothing Yet 558
You Booked Me All Along 559
You Gotta Go
560
You May Be Bright
561
Young as You Are
562
Your Lunch
563
You’re So Plain
564
You’ve Got Another King Comin’
565
INDEXES
Index A – Original Song Title
Index B – Original Artist
566
571
Index C – Subject
Index D – Bible Verse
11
579
594
APOLOGETIX CASSETTE-OGRAPHY
Early ApologetiX
(“Get Your Wigs”)
Parable Guy
Want It Dead or Alive?
(in the Bible)
Live – Released July 1992
Released October 1992
Released December 1992
Released July 1993
Released August 1994
A.D. 1992/Rockin’ the Paradise Club • I
Found the Answer There • Eight Ways to
Be • Temple Physician • Apostl’y Namin’
• Patients • Read Ephesians • Bye, Bye
Law • Hey Zaccheus • Jonah, Jonah •
Rock and Roots • Died and Rose • Didn’t
Just Die • Not Named Job • Not Logs
Lincoln • Sabbath Day (That’s All Right
for Righting) • 2nd Half of Acts • Upper
Room • Good Kings, Bad Kings • HaBakk • I Wanna Read the Bible • Can’t
Get Enough of the Loaves • The New
Testament in Living Color • Funny Stuff
Hey Zaccheus • Bought by the Egyptians
• Creedence Thru Deepwater Survival
• Gideon • Second Half of Acts • Weep
Jeremiah • Livin’ After Midnight •
Mama Says • Party Tonight • Emmaus
• Jonah, Jonah • Joshua • Sounds Like
Mean Assyrians • Died and Rose • Rock
and Roots • Never Been to Spain Yet
• Temple Physician • Kick in the Wall
• Parable Guy • Apostl’y Namin’ • No
Way to Deny • Already Goin’ • Gideon’s
Coming
Every Road Has Its Cross • Want It
Dead or Alive? • Rocky Day Woman
#8:3-15 • Shoestring Tie-er • Psalms
Come True • Knockin’ on Human Doors
• Mediterranean Wholebook News •
Jesus (Sermon on the Mount) • John
1:1 • Come to Father • Pray to God
• None of Us Could Watch an Hour •
Bethlehem’s Boy • Lawful Woman in a
Bad Place • The Trinity • Crown Judah
• Two-Time Baby • Darkangel
This tape includes J. and Karl’s DJ
commentaries between most songs
Isn’t Wasn’t Ain’t • David & Goliath •
Lions • Patients • Help Me, Rhoda • That
Daughter • Little Esther • Trust in the
Lord • Don’t Try (to Hide) • Yourway to
Heaven • I Found the Answer There • Be
Like David Was • Ain’t That a Miracle •
More Than Works • God, I Like About You
• Faith • Christians Doin’ Music • What
Is and Will Forever Be • In Matthew 9
• Mrs. Protestant • Disruption/He Really
Got Mad
Bethlehemian Rhapsody • Isaac Man •
Jacob’s Name Is Israel • Judgment Gets
Passed • The Book • Yer Maker • Even
Tho • I Know a Riddle • Enter Samson •
Elijah Fightin’ Baal • Not Logs Lincoln •
Read Ephesians • Lazzie Lay • Catch That
Fever • Triune Godhead • Ignorant Song
• E.Z. Kiel • Love (Ain’t Nothin’) • Virgin
• Sounds of Silas • Bad Dude Risin’ • Life
in the Last Days • Verynice City • Til the
Midnight Hour
Live ‘95
Dark Side of the
Peachoid
Beatleg
(Beatles Bootleg)
Fredericktown
(9-14-96)
Anthropology
(Anthology of Apologies)
Talk About the Lord • Sounds of Silas •
Eight Ways to Be • Fakey Shaky Parts
• Not Logs Lincoln • Mediterranean
Wholebook News • Creedence Thru
Deepwater Survival • Apostle Me •
Good News Bookie • Twins Came Out
• Never Gonna Doubt God • Bends to
Low Places • Lions* • Jacob’s Name Is
Israel (Version B)* • John 1:1* • Little
Esther* • Lawful Woman in a Bad Place*
• Yourway to Heaven* • Jonah Jonah*
*Studio Track
Live – Released July/October 1995
Live – Released October 1996
Enter Samson • We’re Not Gonna Drown
• No Existence • Come Out & Pray •
Lovesya • Casket Place • No Chain •
Backinahurry • Wrongview • Once You
See Truth (You Can’t Un-see It) • God’s
Own Son • Too Pregnant • TV Intro
• Heaven Isn’t Like That • Telling the
Drama • Teens Speak Out • Under the
Breath • All ApologetiX • Inyerface Love
Song • A Lie • Interview • Young as You
Are • Proving My Religion • Bends to Low
Places • Closing
Ain’t That a Miracle • Little Esther • Holy
Land • Lookee in the Sky He’s Flyin’ •
Brand New Man • I Found the Answer
There • Twins Came Out • Hey Zaccheus
(Revised Standard Version) • Jacob’s
Name Is Israel • Yourway to Heaven •
Already Goin’ • Come Out and Pray •
Every Road Has Its Cross • Two-Time
Baby • Lord’s House News • Bye Bye
Law • The Second Half of Acts
Probably Your Only Smart Close Friends
• With Little Help from My Friends •
Here Come the Sons • Day Kippur •
Sheba Woman • Obed-Edom Obadiah •
Mishael • Back in the New Testament
• Come to Father (Revised Standard
Version) • Addicted to Christ • A Day in
the Loaf • Ballad of Jesus & Yahweh •
Can’t Buy Free Love • All My Letters •
Saint Jude • Revelation • Hell! • Maybe
Madonna • Yes Today • All You Need
Is Done
With a Harp David Writes • Casket Place
• Fakey Shaky Parts • Naomi Gonna Be
with Ruth • Twins Came Out • Walk
His Way • Nain • Brand New Man • I’ll
Prepare for You • Big Deal • Good News
Bookie • Come Out and Pray • Lightning
Flashes • Yourway to Heaven • Enter
Samson • Jacob’s Name is Israel (SingAlong Version)
12
Half Live – Released October 1996
1993
Tracks on this CD:
1. Isn’t Wasn’t Ain’t
2. David and Goliath
3. Lions
4. Patients
5. Help Me, Rhoda
6. That Daughter
7. Little Esther
8. Don’t Try
9. I Found the Answer There
10. Be Like David Was
11. Ain’t That a Miracle
12. Faith Pt. 2
13. God I Like About You
14. Christians Doin’ Music
15. What Is and Will Forever Be
16. Matthew 9
17. Mrs. Protestant
18. He Really Got Mad
19. Love (Ain’t Nothin’)
20. Verynice City
In March 1999, we finally gave in to
years of fan requests and re-released
our out-of-print cassette, Radical History
Tour, on CD. Actually, we’d produced
a series of four studio cassettes in the
old days (not counting numerous “live”
cassettes), and Radical History Tour was
the last and best in the series, although
it still has its share of warts. We held off
on re-releasing any more old material until
2003, the tenth anniversary of the release
of Isn’t Wasn’t Ain’t (in the Bible), the
last cassette we released before Radical
History Tour and our first professionally
mass-produced cassette.
Isn’t Wasn’t Ain’t was significantly
better than the cassettes we’d released
before it, but not even as good as Radical
History Tour, which came out a year later.
Consequently, we were hesitant to rerelease it on CD, because we didn’t want
it to be the first taste of ApologetiX for a
new listener. However, many fans already
had everything else we’d released and
were eager for more.
For Christmas 2003, we remastered a
limited-edition 10th-anniversary Isn’t
Wasn’t Ain’t CD for the fan club. The
response was overwhelming, but we later
discontinued that CD. However, by early
2005, we’d added many new fans to
the fold who wanted Isn’t Wasn’t Ain’t
for their collections. Consequently, we
released Isn’t Wasn’t Ain’t: The Director’s
Cut, which included two bonus tracks
13
which were on the original cassette in
1993, but not on the 10th-anniversary
CD – “Mrs. Protestant” and “God I Like
About You.” We also included two songs
that were originally on our Radical History
Tour cassette but didn’t fit on that CD,
“Love (Ain’t Nothin’)” and “Verynice City.”
If you’re looking for stellar performances,
Isn’t Wasn’t Ain’t: The Director’s Cut
isn’t, wasn’t, ain’t the CD for you. There’s
a reason we don’t sell this CD in stores;
it’s only for our close friends and devoted
fans. It’s a good time capsule from 1993
(recorded June 3 and released July 17
that year) that will let you see how we
sounded in our formative years, and it
contains some great parody lyrics, but we
had a lot to learn. It’s a scary thing for us
... like digging out photos of yourself from
those awkward years and sharing them
with somebody you’re dating.
In addition to J. and Karl, the musicians
on Isn’t Wasn’t Ain’t were Andy Sparks,
rhythm guitar; Steve Kayner, bass;
and Keith Harrold, drums. Background
vocalists included J., Karl, Andy, original
ApologetiX drummer Jeff Pakula, Jo Ann
Herdt, and Dana “Anad” Spallinger. Yes,
we did deliberately go a little bit over the
top with background vocals for comedic
effect on a number of the songs. Our
original bass player, Jerry Hayostek,
set us up with the recording equipment
although he’d already left the band by this
time.
1994
Tracks on this CD:
1. Bethlehemian Rhapsody
2. Isaac Man
3. Jacob’s Name Is Israel
4. Judgment Gets Passed
5. (Check Out) the Book
6. Yer Maker
7. I Know a Riddle
8. I’ve Got Elijah Fightin’ Baal
9. Not Logs Lincoln
10. Read Ephesians
11. Lazzie Lay
12. Catch That Fever!
13. Triune Godhead
14. Ignorant Song
15. E.Z.Kiel
16. Virgin
17. The Sounds of Silas
18. Bad Dude Risin’
19. Life in the Last Days
20. Midnight Hour, Pt. 2
A long time ago (1992-94), in a duplex
far, far away (the fabled Hotel Lelia),
ApologetiX cranked out a series of
self-produced cassettes, with increasing
measures of quality and quantity. The
final studio production in this series was
Radical History Tour, released in August
1994. It was our most popular cassette
to date, but when we ran out of ‘em, we
moved on to bigger and better things – or
so we thought.
These days, however, ApologetiX has a
lot of listeners who weren’t yet “hip” to
the band when the Radical History Tour
cassette was still available. Consequently
people were asking us for years to
rerelease it on CD, and we finally gave
in to popular demand in March 1999,
four months after releasing Jesus Christ
Morningstar. That’s why the product code
on Radical History Tour comes third in
succession after Ticked and Morningstar,
even though those projects came out
much later than the original Radical
History Tour cassette.
Problem is, that cassette was over 90
minutes long, and you can only fit about
14
76 minutes of music on a CD – and
that’s pushing it! So we had to cut four
tracks out of the mix. That doesn’t mean
the remaining 20 are all polished gems
(diamonds in the rough, perhaps?), but
we’re pleased and honored that so many
fans wanted to hear them.
Listening to Radical History Tour makes
us appreciate how far God has brought
us since then in terms of musicianship
and production. But it’s still a lot of fun
to listen to, and most importantly, the
stories it tells are timeless. Nevertheless,
we eventually rewrote and/or rerecorded
more than half of the songs on
subsequent releases over the course of
the next two decades.
Special thanks to ApologetiX alumni, bass
player Andy Sparks and drummer Rick
Servocky, who made the original “tour”
with us, and to Mark Gulden who played
keyboards on “Bethlehemian Rhapsody”
and “I Know a Riddle.”
Ticked
1997
Tracks on this CD:
1. Come Out and Pray
2. All ApologetiX
3. Naomi Gonna Be with Ruth
4. Shepherd’s Paradise
5. Counting Blessings
6. Plump
7. Letterman
8. People
9. Big Deal
10. Little Sins
11. Stupid World
12. A Lie
13. Preachers
14. Who’s There
15. Heaven Isn’t Like That
16. No Chain
17. Young as You Are
18. Casket Place
19. Lightning Flashes
20. InYerFace Love Song
21. You Gotta Go
Although it wasn’t released until
December 1997, the seeds for Ticked
were sown back in the summer of 1994.
Until that point, ApologetiX mainly
spoofed the now-classic rock songs that
we had grown up with. However, as God
increased our opportunities to play, more
people began asking us to play for youth
groups. We felt that if we were to be
missionaries to youth, we needed to be
meet them with their music.
At the time, the rock world was in the
midst of an alternative-rock revolution,
kicked off by Seattle-based bands like
Nirvana, Pearl Jam, and Soundgarden in
1991-92, and being carried on by new
acts like Green Day, the Offspring and
Alanis Morissette. We made a conscious
choice to take a crash course on the
current charts and we discovered there
was a lot of great new music being
made (to be fair, we’d actually spoofed a
Nirvana song already on one of our early
cassettes back in 1992).
The project developed in an interesting
way. While most of our previous parodies
had told specific Bible stories, many of
the new ones addressed specific issues
such as suicide, atheism, evolution,
hypocrisy, the end of the world,
separation of church and state, etc.
Although people always expect humor
from ApologetiX, these alternative spoofs
sported a jagged little attitude in keeping
with the music that inspired them and
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our passionate feelings about the topics
they discussed. The CD title suggested an
attitude of outrage and the imagery of a
clock ticking, moving toward the end of
the world.
For the next two and a half years, the
band waited for the proper equipment
and finances to record, while weathering
some personnel changes, too. Some of
the songs written for Ticked endured,
some didn’t, and new ones were added ...
but the title stayed. When it was time to
design the cover, J. suggested lampooning
a Rolling Stone magazine cover, using the
title Rolling Clone, inspired by the Wacky
Packages stickers and Mad Magazines he
had collected as a kid. It was a way for
ApologetiX to poke fun at itself as a band
that some people thought just copied the
music of others. Since it would be the
band’s first CD (Radical History Tour was
released only on cassette and was out of
print at the time), the Rolling Stone motif
allowed the band to place text on the
cover that described ApologetiX and what
the band did, under the guise of news
stories.
Ticked was also unique as an ApologetiX
CD, because the original rear tray card (on
the back of the CD case) featured spoofs
of the names of the bands who did the
original songs, rather than names of the
real bands. Later editions of Ticked have
the actual band names on the rear tray
card.
Jesus Christ Morningstar
1998
Tracks on this CD:
1. Hotel Can’t Afford Ya
2. Go Right Now
3. Apostle Me
4. Jesus (Sermon on the Mount)
5. Temple Physician
6. Love & Kisses
7. Parable Guy
8. I’ll Prepare for You
9. I Have to Die First
10. Didn’t Just Die
11. Died and Rose
12. L.S.F.
13. Spirit Inside
14. Walk His Way
15. You May Be Bright
16. John 1:1
17. Narrow Way to Heaven
18. Fakey Shaky Parts
Jesus Christ Morningstar has its roots
in the 60’s and 70’s. That’s where most
of its music came from, and that’s when
Jesus Christ Superstar came out. For
many, Superstar was an introduction to
Christian rock or even to the Gospel itself.
Sure, the lyrics took some liberties with
the Bible, but God still used it draw people
to Christ.
Jesus, “Do you think you’re who they say
you are?”; Morningstar asks the listener,
“Do you think He’s who He said He was?”
Of course, we could only fit 74 minutes
of music on a CD in 1998. If all the things
that Jesus did were described, I suppose
all the CDs in the world couldn’t contain
them! But we chose some main points
and tried to imagine them being told from
But Jesus was so much more than just a
the perspective of the people who knew
superstar. He called Himself many things
Him best – His friends and disciples.
– the Son of Man; the Good Shepherd; the It is their humanity that we primarily
Way, the Truth, and the Life – but the last focused on in Morningstar – and that’s
name He uses in the Bible is “the Morning appropriate, because it was humanity
Star” (Revelation 22:16).
in general that was the focus of Jesus’
mission:
Superstar focused on the humanity
of Christ; Morningstar focuses on
“For God so loved the world that He gave
His divinity. Superstar took us to the
His only begotten Son, that whosoever
crucifixion; Morningstar takes us further
believeth in him should not perish, but
... to the resurrection, the ascension,
have everlasting life.” (John 3:16 NIV)
Pentecost, and beyond. Superstar asks
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Biblical Graffiti
1999
Tracks on this CD:
1. One Way
2. Twins Came Out
3. Every Step to Take
4. 969
5. Second Timothy
6. You Ain’t Been Nothing Yet
7. Donkey Talked with Him
8. Ronomy
9. Credence Thru Deepwater Survival
10. Lawful Woman (in a Bad Place)
11. Kick in the Wall
12. Fast Paul
13. Jail Got Rocked
14. Put You Down in My Will
15. Crazy Little King God Loves
16. Dancing Dave
17. Smart Blest Man
18. Revelation Man
19. Armageddon Valley Someday
20. Droppin’ on the Sun
21. Bends to Low Places
22. Enter Samson
Yeah, we admit that “Biblical Graffiti”
is an unlikely combination of words, but
then again, so are “Christian Rock” and
“Jesus Freak.”
Then, we remembered Led Zeppelin’s
Physical Graffiti, and a light bulb went on.
Not only is Biblical Graffiti a cool title,it’s
got a nifty little story behind it:
Thirty-five years ago, Simon and
Garfunkel said, “The words of the
prophets are written on the subway walls
and tenement halls.” But thousands of
years ago, you could find much older
biblical graffiti – way back in the book
of Daniel, chapter 5, with the original
“writing on the wall.”
When ApologetiX lyricist J. Jackson was
in grade school, a bunch of kids were
writing smutty graffiti on the walls and
stalls of the boys’ room, and it bothered
him. Although J. wasn’t a born-again
Christian yet, God was already working
in his life and he started writing scripture
references and verse numbers next to the
offensive graffiti. (He didn’t really know
verse numbers so he made them up from
what he remembered from church.)
We confess that we weren’t thinking
about Daniel when the words “biblical
graffiti” first came to us, although that
was a confirmation. Actually, we were
thinking about how this CD would have
many songs encompassing many styles,
so we considered spoofing some famous
diverse double album from the past like
the Beatles’ so-called “White Album,” the
Rolling Stones’ Exile on Main Street, or
Pink Floyd’s The Wall (yeah, we obviously
thought about that one).
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Anyway, it’s kind of ironic because J.
didn’t know the Bible very well back
then, but there he was trying to sanctify
the sacrilegious by adding scripture to
the secular – way back in grade school.
Kind of prophetic on God’s part, don’t
you think? All in all, it was another brick
in the wall of what God was building in
ApologetiX.
Spoofernatural
2000
Tracks on this CD:
1. Play That Funny Music
2. Fishin’ on a Pier
3. Pray Now (Lost Art)
4. El-ijah
5. Sin Can Be Resistible
6. Trooth
7. La Bible
8. I Want in That Place
9. Crowd of Foreign Girls
10. Choirboy
11. Every Crown Has Its Thorns
12. Livin’ What Jesus Spoke Of
13. I Love Apostle Paul
14. Jonah Jonah
15. Learn Some Deuteronomy
16. Last Night
17. Once Livin’ Twice Died
18. Rock This Tower
19. Genny 22
Two very influential albums came out
in the two years before this one, both
named Supernatural – one by DC Talk
(September ‘98) and the other by Santana
(June ‘99). The first was arguably the
most-popular Christian album of that
period, the second was arguably the
most-popular mainstream album.
Since ApologetiX brings together Christian
and mainstream music, it seemed fitting
that our CD’s title comment on those
unlikely twins, especially since the CD
itself included a parody of “Smooth,” the
biggest hit from Santana’s Supernatural.
While it covers music from the 1950’s1999, Spoofernatural has a notable focus
on the 1980’s; more than half of the
songs it spoofs were hits in that decade.
Some of those tunes were actually
remakes themselves: “Mony Mony” (Billy
Idol, Tommy James & the Shondells), “La
Bamba” (Los Lobos, Richie Valens), and
“California Girls” (David Lee Roth, the
Beach Boys).
Although it’s not from the ‘80s, there’s
a fourth two-time hit spoofed, “Last
Kiss,” which hit number two on the pop
charts twice – once for J. Frank Wilson
& the Cavaliers in 1964 and again for
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Pearl Jam in 1999. Technically, there’s
even a fifth; Wild Cherry’s famous “Play
That Funky Music” was reinterpreted by
rapper Vanilla Ice and hit #4 as his nowforgotten follow-up to “Ice Ice Baby.”
Wow, can you believe that ApologetiX
would cover both of Vanilla Ice’s hits?
Come to think of it, maybe you can.
This album was recorded during a
particularly hectic period of our lives –
lots of touring and recording at a time
when most of the band members had
other jobs. That resulted in some latenight recording sessions and health
issues, so some of the tracks didn’t
turn out quite as polished as we’d like.
Consequently, we re-recorded some of
them (“Fishin’ on a Pier,” “Learn Some
Deuteronomy,” “I Love Apostle Paul,”
and “Play That Funny Music”) on later
releases.
God uses supernatural things to get
the attention of an unbelieving world.
ApologetiX uses spoofs in attempt to do
the same thing. It is our hope that God
will use the spoofs on this CD and all of
our others to affect the hearts, minds,
and souls of listeners in a supernatural
way.
Keep the Change
2001
Tracks on the CD:
1. Story of a Squirrel
2. Monkey Scheme
3. Christmasnite
5. Stay in the Light
6. Old Time Romans Road
7. The Real Sin Savior
8. Babylona
9. Daniel
10. All the Stalls Stink
11. Cheap Birds
12. Mama Told Me (What’s to Come)
13. Manger
14. Be Bold Jeremiah
15. Ballad of Jesus and Yahweh
16. Rock and Roots
17. Simp Liztik
18. You Booked Me All Along
19. Life Restored
Note: Keep the Change reached #15 on
the National Christian Retail Bestsellers
Rock Charts, published by CCM Magazine
in November 2001.
Obviously, Keep the Change isn’t a phrase
we coined ourselves; although looking at
the CD cover, you could say we coined
ourselves on Keep the Change. In general,
“keep the change” is an expression
people use about something that isn’t
worth much. On this CD, however, Keep
the Change connotes something that’s
priceless, not worthless – the change that
Christ makes in a person’s life.
It’s both an exhortation and a guarantee.
The exhortation is exemplified by 2
Timothy 1:13-14: “What you have heard
from me, keep as the sound pattern of
teaching, with faith and love in Christ
Jesus. Guard the good deposit that was
entrusted to you – guard it with the
help of the Holy Spirit who lives in us.”
We are to keep the change that Christ
made in us, as it says in Romans 12:1:
“Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your
spiritual fervor, serving the Lord.” But the
guarantee is that while we are doing our
part, One who is far greater than us is
doing His part to keep the change in us,
as it says in 1 Corinthians 1:8: “He will
keep you strong to the end, so that you
will be blameless on the day of our Lord
Jesus Christ.”
Of course, in ApologetiX, we change
lyrics just as Christ changes lives. And
we think both changes are worth keeping.
Therefore, it shouldn’t be surprising that
there are a plenty of lyrics on this CD
about how Christ changes lives. And what
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a change Christ makes. “Therefore if
anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation;
the old has gone, the new has come!”
(2 Corinthians 5:17). That’s a quantum
leap that blows away anything the
evolutionists propose. The only difference
is there’s no real evidence for evolution,
but there’s plenty of evidence for both
creation and the “new creation.” But we’ll
give you our two cents’ worth about that
on this CD.
And what is two cents worth, anyway?
Christ says in Luke 12:6: “Are not five
sparrows sold for two copper coins? And
not one of them is forgotten before God.
But the very hairs of your head are all
numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are
of more value than many sparrows.” Two
copper coins. That’s not worth much in
our society, is it? But Jesus said that a
widow who gave her two copper coins
into the offering box had contributed more
than everybody else.
You may not feel like you’re worth more
than odd change to anybody, but you’re
priceless to God. Jesus once took a coin
and told the people to render unto Caesar
what was Caesar’s and to render unto
God what was God’s. The coin was made
in Caesar’s image. You’re made in God’s
image. That’s why He’s going to keep the
change.
And that’s why you’re going to keep the
change.
Grace Period
2002
Tracks on this CD:
1. Corinthians
2. Cornelius
3. I’m a Receiver
4. YHWH
5. Smooth Grandmama
6. Devil Went Down to Jordan
7. Drop of Lucifer
8. Born Above
9. Follow Me
10. Don’t Fear the People
11. Lemonade
12. How You Rewind Me
13. Regeneration
14. Love the Jews
15. Good Guys Bad Guys
16. Flurry
17. Tom Saw Ya
18. Sufferin’ Just Finished
19. Smells Like Thirtysomething Spirit
20. Baa! We’re Lambs
We face a lot of deadlines in this life.
Whether it’s homework, bills, taxes,
applications, or registrations, every one of
us could use a grace period now and then.
This whole world is facing a deadline —
the return of Christ. The good news is
that God has given the human race an
incredibly long grace period, and the Bible
explains why in 2 Peter 3:9: “The Lord is
not slow in keeping his promise, as some
understand slowness. He is patient with
you, not wanting anyone to perish, but
everyone to come to repentance.”
Whether Christ returns in our lifetime
or not, we each have a deadline at the
end of our lives. As it says in Hebrews
9:27, “Just as man is destined to die
once, and after that to face judgment.”
Unfortunately, none of us know just how
long our particular grace period is going
to last, which is why the Bible urges
us, “Today, if you hear his voice, do
not harden your hearts as you did in the
rebellion” (Hebrews 3:15).
It’s kind of ironic that a grace period is an
amount of time to get something done;
and yet with God, it’s not really about you
doing something as much as it’s about
accepting something that He has already
done for you: “For it is by grace you have
been saved, through faith – and this not
from yourselves, it is the gift of God –
not by works, so that no one can boast”
(Ephesians 2:8-9).
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As that verse points out, we are saved by
grace — period.
Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary
defines grace as “unmerited divine
assistance given humans for their
regeneration or sanctification.” Both the
dictionary and the Bible agree that we
don’t get grace because of anything we
have done; it’s unmerited. God didn’t wait
for us to save ourselves, because he knew
we couldn’t: “But God demonstrates his
own love for us in this: While we were
still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans
5:8). And He didn’t save us because
we loved Him so much either: “This is
love: not that we loved God, but that he
loved us and sent his Son as an atoning
sacrifice for our sins” (1 John 4:10).
Again and again, the Bible hammers home
the point that it is grace and grace alone
that saves us. This is offensive to some
people, but to those who know just how
sinful they are, this is truly Good News.
Grace is a gift, and like any gift, you can
accept it or refuse it. It’s our hope that
you will accept it.
“Yet to all who received him, to those
who believed in his name, he gave the
right to become children of
God” (John 1:12)
Adam Up
2003
Tracks on this CD:
1. We’re in a Parody Band
2. Lifestyles of the Rich & Nameless
3. Boy Tell the World
4. Choose Your Daddy
5. Meshach
6. I’m Gonna Feed (500 Mouths)
7. Get Found Tonight
8. Look Yourself
9. Should I Pray or Should I Go?
10. The Spittle
11. Sweet Oholibamah
12. It’s Not Eden
13. Listening After Midnight
14. Psum 14
15. The Word
16. Wherever You Will Sow
17. Wake Up Talitha Cumi
18. Guide the Way
19. Little-Read Bible Book
20. Downer of a Sister
21. Lazy Brain
22. Called My Wife
Although many of the parodies we’ve
written are still waiting to be recorded,
it seems we seldom venture into the
vault when we’re selecting songs for a
fresh parody project. This CD is a prime
example; we started almost totally from
scratch. Consequently, we didn’t know
exactly what kind of theme would develop
until we had rough ideas for all of the
parodies.
When the dust cleared, we noticed that
two of the most powerful new songs had
something (or somebody) in common —
Adam. One told the story of Adam and
Eve and the other the story of Cain and
Abel, but both were told from Adam’s
perspective. Those stories have been told
so many times that it’s easy to sleepwalk
through them when you’re reading
Genesis, consequently missing the fact
that they’re true stories about real people.
But they are indeed real people. The
Apostle Paul speaks about Adam as a
real person and not a symbolic figure
(Romans 5:14, 1 Corinthians 15:22-45 ,
1 Timothy 2:13-14), as does Jude (Jude
1:14); and the Gospel of Luke traces
Jesus’ genealogy back to Adam and his
son Seth (Luke 3:38). Paul also mentions
Eve in 2 Corinthians 11:3 and 1 Timothy
2:13. Jesus Himself speaks about Abel
(Matthew 23:35, Luke 11:51), as does
the author of the Epistle to the Hebrews
(Hebrews 11:4, 12:24), who also
mentions Cain (Hebrews 11:4) as do John
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and Jude ( 1 John 3:12, Jude 1:11).
Having Adam give a play-by-play account
of those two famous events really seemed
to add something special to the songs and
the entire project. With that in mind, it
seemed appropriate to get Adam’s name
in the title. This CD features a large
variety of Biblical characters from Adam
up to the Apostles, in fact, everyone from
Adam up to people today. All the previous
ApologetiX projects have discussed both
Old and New Testament characters and
themes, but this is the first one that went
from “Adam up,” hence the name.
On a more humorous note, we’d put out
so much material by 2003 that it was
getting hard for our feeble minds to know
exactly how many “albums” we had. The
tally depended on whether you counted
the Christmas EP CD and the numerous
studio and “live” cassettes we released
in the early 1990’s that are now (and
forever) out of print, even though some of
our diehard fans insist on including them
in discographies on their websites. :)
So what number album or CD was this
for us? That depends on your criteria for
counting. The group Chicago cornered the
market on albums named after numerals
long ago. We figured, if somebody asked
about this one, we could just say, “Add
‘em up.” Of course, we spelled it Adam
Up. It wasn’t be the first time ApologetiX
spelled something differently, was it?
New and Used Hits
2004
Tracks on Disc 1:
1. Are You Gonna Be Ike’s Girl
2. JC’s Mom
3. The Voice of Sodom
4. It’s Tough (Song About Nehemiah)
5. Welcome to the Judges
6. Back Intact
7. Good News Bookie (Live)
9. Micah No. 5
10. December 5 or 6 B.C. (Oh Holy Night)
11. Santa Claus
12. It’s Not Eden
13. Meshach
15. Wherever You Will Sow (Live)
16. The Devil Went Down to Jordan
17. Corinthians
19. Smooth Grandmama
20. Life Restored
Tracks on Disc 2:
24. I Love Apostle Paul (Live)
28. Choirboy
29. Jail Got Rocked
30. One Way
31. Enter Samson
34. Walk His Way (Live)
36. Love & Kisses (Live)
38. People
40. Jacob’s Name Is Israel (Live)
When we embarked “in quest of the
best of,” it was difficult to determine
which criteria to use. What is “the test
of the best of?” The biggest hits? Best
performances? Best lyrics? Fan favorites?
Band favorites? We decided early on
to make it a two-CD set. Forty songs
seemed like a nice goal, too. However,
with 11 tracks making their debuts on
this ApologetiX album, that left only 29
songs to represent the eight ApologetiX
albums already in stores at the time (and
each of those albums contained 18-22
songs).
Our goal has always been to make each
album better than the one before it, yet
each one has its shining moments, and
we wanted this collection to represent
the entire span of the band’s career to
that point. We also wanted to show the
scope of styles we’d spoofed, including
rock, pop, alternative, metal, rap, new
wave, progressive, oldies, latin, adult
contemporary, country, disco, etc.
They’re all here on this CD. Furthermore,
it’s always been very important to us to
reach out to multiple generations, so the
era of music covered on this CD stretches
from the 1950’s to the 2000’s. No artist
or group is spoofed more than once.
The mission of ApologetiX is twofold: to
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reach the lost and teach the rest. The
mission of this CD was also twofold:
to give first-time listeners a sampler of
ApologetiX through the years and to give
long-time fans a look at ApologetiX in
2004 – with new studio tracks and new
“live” versions of some old favorites.
In order to start everyone on common
ground, we opened this CD with new
material that would be fresh for new and
old fans alike. Then we gradually worked
our way back from our newest albums
to our oldest, inserting the “live” tracks
in the sections that contained songs
from the album on which they originally
appeared, so even our oldest fans couldn’t
say they’d heard it all before.
Maybe you feel you’ve heard it all before
when it comes to the Bible? Adam & Eve,
Cain & Abel, Noah & the Ark, Samson
& Delilah, David & Goliath, Jonah & the
Whale, Daniel & the Lions Den, blah,
blah, blah. It is our hope that these little
parodies will change your mind and
make you want to read the full accounts
of those true stories in the Bible and
discover all the other wonderful things
that await you there ... most importantly,
a personal encounter with Jesus Christ.
Apol-acoustiX
2005
Tracks on this CD:
1. Talk About the Lord
2. Don’t Be Fooled
4. We’re Not Gonna Drown
5. Mediterranean Wholebook News
6. Scripture
7. Last Rain the Clouds Spill
8. Eight Ways to Be
9. More Than Works
10. Trinity
11. Two-Time Baby/Lord’s House Blues
12. Yes Today
One of the biggest trends in the 90’s
was for artists to release “Unplugged”
projects. Everyone from Clapton to KISS
did it, except us. That’s ironic, considering
ApologetiX co-founders J. Jackson and
Karl Messner met each other in 1990
and played a lot of acoustic stuff in their
early days at Bible studies before taking
the name “ApologetiX” ... and at plenty
of coffee houses afterward till the band
started touring on a national scale in the
mid-90’s.
Of course, we wouldn’t be too keen on
releasing any of those old performances.
We wish we’d known then what we
know now in terms of playing, singing,
songwriting and recording. Well, we can’t
rewrite history. However, we can rewrite,
re-perform, and re-record some of those
old songs (and some newer ones), being
able to apply a decade and a half’s worth
of experience. So that’s what we did on
Apol-acoustiX.
We hope you’ll enjoy this trip down
memory lane with us. We repaved the
roads for you, so it’ll be a much smoother
ride.
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We recorded Apol-acoustiX in January
2005. With no bass or drums needed,
Keith Haynie and Bill Rieger sat this one
out. We got their O.K. before we started
the project, but they still took to calling
the CD “Bill and Keith Unplugged.”
The photo on the cover and some photos
in the CD booklet were taken in Dormont
PA, the town where we christened the
band “ApologetiX” 13 years earlier. In
fact, there’s a photo in there of the actual
place where we came up with the name,
the Dormont Eat n’ Park restaurant.
Believe it or not, when we tried to get a
local newspaper from the machine in front
of the restaurant, the headline said “Deja
vu.” God has a great sense of humor.
Then again, we’ve always believed that,
and that’s one of the reasons we do what
we do.
All those years after its foundation was
laid, the mission of ApologetiX remained
the same: “to reach the lost and teach the
rest.” Some things don’t need to change,
no matter how many times you revisit
them.
Hits: The Road
2005
Tracks on this CD:
2. Tom Saw Ya
3. JC’s Mom
8. Cheap Birds
9. Look Yourself
11. Devil Went Down to Jordan
13. Died & Rose
14. Yes Today
15. I’m a Receiver
16. Enter Samson
18. With a Harp David Writes
19. Walk on the Water
20. Found God
They’d been asking us for years when we
were going to come out with a live CD.
Well, look out, because we’ve got a live
one here!
After close to 800 shows, it was about
time. Actually, the very first ApologetiX
recording to hit mass circulation was a
homemade live cassette called Get Your
Wigs. There were only a few hundred
copies made, so don’t look for it.
Seriously... don’t!
In 2004, when we released New & Used
Hits: The Best of ApologetiX Vol. 1 & 2,
we elected to include eight live tracks,
because we felt our live performances
were superior to the original. This new
CD, ApologetiX Hits: The Road contains
20 live tracks (including three parodies
that had never before appeared on any
ApologetiX CD), but none of the songs
that appeared in live format on New &
Used Hits.
Hits: The Road was a celebration of the
busiest tour we’d done up to that point
– the one we kicked off in support of
New & Used Hits. That CD was released
at two concerts at the Cup O’ Joy in
Green Bay, WI on November 27, 2004.
We finished that tour exactly 364 days
later at the same venue on November 26,
2005.
During that 365-day period, we played
102 concerts in the following 32 states:
24
Alabama, California, Colorado,
Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Georgia,
Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas,
Kentucky, Louisiana, Maryland, Michigan,
Minnesota, Missouri, Montana, North
Carolina, Nebraska, New Hampshire,
New York, Ohio, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania,
Rhode Island, Tennessee, Texas,
Washington, Wisconsin, and West Virginia.
For the record, the live performances on
Hits: The Road were recorded during
that tour at concerts in Greenfield ,IN;
Kewanee, IL; Springfield, MO; Moravia,
NY; Newark, DE; and Green Bay, WI.
Since then, we’ve had years when we
played more concerts (134) and states
(40), but 2005 was still a landmark year.
The month after releasing Hits: The Road,
we toured in North Dakota and Alaska
and could finally say we’d played in all 50
states.
If you enjoy Hits: The Road, you’ll also
enjoy the companion DVD, Samson
Comes Alive: An Evening with ApologetiX,
featuring live footage of the first 17
songs on this CD (plus three others),
interviews with the guys, and some zany
stage antics during and between songs
that didn’t make it onto the CD.
See you soon. It’s time for us to hit the
road again!
Wordplay
2006
Tracks on this CD:
1. Somebody Sold Me
2. None Too Ladylike
3. Jehovah
4. Save Your Voice (Quiet Down, Boy)
5. Boulevard of Both Extremes
6. Heavenly Hill
7. Spread the Way
8. Rocky’s Now My Name
9. Bone Digger
10. Bad Dad
11. Back in the New Testament
12. Jericho
13. Superficial
14. Humpty Dumpty Country Club
15. Swimmer
16. Here I Go (Against All I’ve Known)
17. Ephesians
18. Won’t Get Born Again
19. Want It Dead or Alive?
20. Singled You Out
We recorded this, our thirteenth CD, at
various times during the spring, summer,
and fall of 2006. We wound up doing 134
concerts that year, our busiest yet.
Wordplay was our first full-length CD
of all-new material since Adam Up was
released in Fall 2003. In the meantime,
we released a “best of” compilation with
seven new tracks (New & Used Hits) in
Fall 2004, a 12-song acoustic project
(Apol-acoustiX) in Spring 2005, and a live
album (Hits: The Road) in Fall 2005.
Wordplay was also our first project to
fully feature drummer Jimmy “Vegas”
Tanner, who had previously played three
tracks on Hits: The Road.
We chose the title “Wordplay” for a
number of reasons, and not just because
we’ve been known to engage in a bit of
wordplay in our parodies.
When studied in its original languages,
the Bible is full of clever plays on words
in both the Old and New Testaments.
One example is when the Apostle Paul
writes about Philemon’s runaway slave,
Onesimus, who had since become a
Christian, in Philemon 1:11. Onesimus
means “useful,” so Paul makes the
following pun: “Formerly he was useless
to you, but now he has become useful
both to you and to me.”
25
Of course, just because something is
funny doesn’t mean it isn’t true. As
we’ve said many times over the years
in ApologetiX, we take the Bible very
seriously; we just don’t take ourselves
very seriously.
Sharper than a two-edged sword
(Hebrews 4:12), the Word of God is
nothing to be played with. But it is
something that can be played ... on
musical instruments. As Psalm 33:3-4
says, “Sing to him a new song; play
skillfully, and shout for joy. For the
word of the LORD is right and true; he is
faithful in all he does.”
Furthermore, many of the songs on
Wordplay (and our other CDs) are
miniature plays or musicals based on the
Word of God. In fact, musicals such as
Jesus Christ Superstar and Joseph and
the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat were
every bit as influential on our style as
“Weird Al” Yankovic and Mad Magazine.
We even mention those musicals’
composers, Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd
Webber, in “Somebody Sold Me,” our own
treatment of Joseph’s story, on this CD.
So, you see, the title Wordplay is itself a
play on words.
2007
Tracks on this CD:
1. Born-Again Child
2. Even Though
3. Holy Land
4. Hey Zaccheus
5. Already Goin’
6. Nain
7. No Existence
8. Proving My Religion
9. Under the Breath
10. God’s Own Son
11. Wrongview
12. Back in a Hurry
13. Telling the Drama
14. Here Come the Sons
15. Day Kippur
16. Sheba Woman
17. Obed-Edom Obadiah
18. Mishael
19. Come to Father
20. Addicted to Christ
Ah, so many songs, so little polish. The
tracks on this release live up to their
name; they’re rare, but definitely not
well done.
The Bible says we’re supposed to
“confess our faults one to another”
(James 5:16). Well, Rare Not Well Done
has so many faults that sharing it with
you feels like a very embarrassing,
public confession to us.
Nevertheless, although the recordings
and performances on this release left a
lot to be desired, we felt the lyrics and
historical value still made it worthwhile.
And what this release lacks in quality, it
makes up for in quantity.
The guys in ApologetiX are music buyers
just like you. We’ve all had favorite
bands in the past that we couldn’t get
enough of, and we were always on the
lookout for rare, unreleased tracks. We
didn’t care how primitive or poor the
recording quality was.
Anyway, we knew that many fans
already owned all of our previous CDs
yet were still hungry for more stuff.
They knew that we’d written, performed
and even recorded many other parodies
that weren’t on CD. And they begged us
to open the vaults.
Well, there’s a reason we’d never put
those songs on CD; it’s like looking at
26
old family photos from your awkward
years. We didn’t want them ever to be
anybody’s first taste of ApologetiX. As
they say, you never get a second chance
to make a first impression.
However, there were still some valid
reasons we finally made them available in
2007:
1. The persistence of fans finally wore us
down.
2. It was our 15th anniversary, and they
had historical value.
3. We loved the lyrics, but knew we might
never get time to re-record some or many
of them.
4. We were using them as a fundraiser in
preparation for our next CD.
We agreed to release them but decided
to do so only as online downloads – not
on an actual CD. Of course, if you want
them on CD, you can burn them onto one.
Some listeners may wish we’d just simply
burned the original tapes!
These are primitive recordings (some
live and some studio) from our formative
years and are only for ApologetiX fans
who already have all of our CDs. Although
we cringe at the quality, we can’t deny
they happened, so this is your chance to
hear what once was and to imagine what
could have been ... or still could be!
2007
Tracks on this CD:
1. A Day in the Loaf
2. Can’t Buy Free Love
3. All My Letters
4. Saint Jude
5. Revelation
6. Hell!
7. Maybe Madonna
8. Psalms Come True
9. Shoestring Tie-er
10. Rocky Day Woman #8 & 3-11
11. Enter Samson ‘94
12. Trust in the Lord
13. How You Rewind Me (Radio Remix)
14. I Wanna Read the Bible
15. The New Testament in Living Color
16. A.D. 1992/Rockin’ the Paradise Club
17. Not Named Job
18. Sabbath Day That’s Alright for Righting
19. The Second Half of Acts
20. Upper Room
Ah, so many songs, so little polish. The
tracks on this release live up to their
name; they’re rare, but definitely not
well done.
The Bible says we’re supposed to
“confess our faults one to another”
(James 5:16). Well, Rare Not Well Done
has so many faults that sharing it with
you feels like a very embarrassing,
public confession to us.
Nevertheless, although the recordings
and performances on this release left a
lot to be desired, we felt the lyrics and
historical value still made it worthwhile.
And what this release lacks in quality, it
makes up for in quantity.
The guys in ApologetiX are music buyers
just like you. We’ve all had favorite
bands in the past that we couldn’t get
enough of, and we were always on the
lookout for rare, unreleased tracks. We
didn’t care how primitive or poor the
recording quality was.
Anyway, we knew that many fans
already owned all of our previous CDs
yet were still hungry for more stuff.
They knew that we’d written, performed
and even recorded many other parodies
that weren’t on CD. And they begged us
to open the vaults.
Well, there’s a reason we’d never put
those songs on CD; it’s like looking at
27
old family photos from your awkward
years. We didn’t want them ever to be
anybody’s first taste of ApologetiX. As
they say, you never get a second chance
to make a first impression.
However, there were still some valid
reasons we finally made them available in
2007:
1. The persistence of fans finally wore us
down.
2. It was our 15th anniversary, and they
had historical value.
3. We loved the lyrics, but knew we might
never get time to re-record some or many
of them.
4. We were using them as a fundraiser in
preparation for our next CD.
We agreed to release them but decided
to do so only as online downloads – not
on an actual CD. Of course, if you want
them on CD, you can burn them onto one.
Some listeners may wish we’d just simply
burned the original tapes!
These are primitive recordings (some
live and some studio) from our formative
years and are only for ApologetiX fans
who already have all of our CDs. Although
we cringe at the quality, we can’t deny
they happened, so this is your chance to
hear what once was and to imagine what
could have been ... or still could be!
Chosen Ones
2007
Tracks on this CD:
1. Born-Again Child
2. Never Been to Spain (Yet)
3. Revelation
4. Search and You’ll Get Saved
5. Get a Bite
6. Hell!
7. Hey Zaccheus
8. Can’t Eat Enough
9. Kosmik
10. Fly Away from Hell
Life is about choices, so they say, and
this CD is no exception.
In July 2007, we gave our fans a list of
unreleased parodies, and asked them to
choose 10 favorites. We then performed
the ones they’d chosen in front of a live
audience in Lisbon, OH on August 3,
2007. In addition, we chose to rerecord
two previously unreleased tracks,
because we thought our current live
versions were better. So all the songs on
this CD are chosen ones. Eternal life is all
about choices, too. We have a tendency
to think it’s all about our choices, but
the Bible says it’s actually about God’s
choices.
In John 15:16, Jesus says, “You did not
choose Me but I chose you, and appointed
you that you would go and bear fruit,
and that your fruit would remain, so that
whatever you ask of the Father in My
name He may give to you.” Three verses
later, he adds that “I have chosen you
out of the world.” Jesus specifically calls
God’s people “chosen ones” in Luke 18:7,
reiterating a term used six times in the
Old Testament.
Both Peter and Paul echo Christ’s words.
Peter says believers “have been chosen
according to the foreknowledge of God
28
the Father, through the sanctifying work
of the Spirit, for obedience to Jesus
Christ and sprinkling by his blood” (1
Peter 1:2) and are “a chosen people, a
royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people
belonging to God” (1 Peter 2:9).
Paul calls believers “God’s chosen
people” (Colossians 3:12), elaborating
in Ephesians 1:11: “In him we were
also chosen, having been predestined
according to the plan of him who works
out everything in conformity with the
purpose of his will...”
Peter and Paul are chosen ones, too, of
course, and each has a song representing
that on this CD – “Get a Bite” and “Never
Been to Spain (Yet).” Other chosen ones
featured prominently here include a
famous tax collector (“Hey Zaccheus”),
Joshua and the children of Israel
(“Kosmik”), and all believers worldwide
(“Born-Again Child,” “Two-Time Baby,”
and “Fly Away from Hell.”)
Think about it; our fans chose those
songs before they knew the title of this
CD or the full content of the parodies.
They have chosen wisely. Sounds like we
all had a little help from above, doesn’t it?
12 Downloads of Christmas
2007
Tracks on this CD:
1. Bethlehem’s Boy
2. Tip from an Angel
3. Try Micah
4. Christmasnite
5. Manger
7. Micah No. 5
9. Santa Claus
10. Oh Come Oh Come Emmanuel
11. We Three Kings
12. Carol of the Bells
For the Christmas season 2001, we
released a special six-song EP on CD
called Have Yourself a Parody Little
Christmas, which featured “Manger”
and “Christmasnite” (from our previous
CD, Keep the Change), a remake of
“Hotel Can’t Afford Ya” (released in its
original form in 1998 on Jesus Christ
Morningstar), and three brand-new
Christmas recordings, “Micah No. 5,”
“December 5 or 6 B.C.” and “Santa
Claus.”
Downloads of Christmas. To flesh out
the project, we asked our producer/
keyboardist, Bill Hubauer, if he’d let us
include three of the Christmas songs
he’d recorded a number of years earlier
with his acclaimed Christian progressiverock band, Ten point Ten. In addition to
Bill, Ten point Ten also featured past
and present ApologetiX members David
McKee and Jimmy “Vegas” Tanner, so it
wasn’t too much of a stretch to include
some tracks by them.
We eventually allowed that EP/CD to go
out of print, but fans continued to ask
for it. We thought that we’d solve that
problem by including “Hotel,” “Micah No.
5,” “December 5 or 6 B.C.” and “Santa
Claus” on the “New and Used Hits” CD
in 2004, but people still wanted an allChristmas release.
Those songs (“Oh Come Oh Come
Emmanuel,” “We Three Kings,” and “Carol
of the Bells”) were originally on Ten point
Ten’s Christmas CD, 12.25. We thought
it would be a great way to introduce
our fans to some of Bill’s other work.
Incidentally, ApologetiX played a number
of concerts with Ten point Ten in 199798, which is when we originally hooked
up with Bill.
Well, we already had some other
Christmas parodies written, so we
decided to include three of them on
our Future Tense CD, when we started
recording it in the fall of 2007. We
decided to finish those three tracks first
and include them as a downloads project
with the six previously released Christmas
songs, as a special bonus for anybody
who pre-ordered the Future Tense CD,
which wouldn’t be out until mid-2008.
But The 9 Downloads of Christmas
didn’t have nearly the pizzaz of The 12
29
When we finally released The 12
Downloads of Christmas to iTunes in
2012, we replaced the Ten point Ten
songs and “Hotel Can’t Afford Ya” with
“Don’t Stop Till Egypt” (which came out
in 2011), “Land of Delusion,” “Flurry,”
and “JC’s Mom.” We brought back
“Hotel Can’t Afford Ya” on our Classics:
Christmas CD in 2013.
Future Tense
2008
Tracks on this CD:
1. Turning a Little Seasick
2. Land of Delusion
3. More Than a Healing
4. Stupid’s Stronghold/Reckless in America
5. Miss Martha
6. Iraq & Iran
7. Transplants
8. The Tablecloth (Peter’s Vision)
11. Try Micah
12. Animals I Have Begun
Past tense. Present tense. And if you
thought they were tense, wait till you see
the future:
“Nation will rise against nation, and
kingdom against kingdom. There will
be famines and earthquakes in various
places. All these are the beginning of
birth pains. Then you will be handed over
to be persecuted and put to death, and
you will be hated by all nations because
of me. At that time many will turn away
from the faith and will betray and hate
each other, and many false prophets will
appear and deceive many people. Because
of the increase of wickedness, the love of
most will grow cold, but he who stands
firm to the end will be saved” (Matthew
24:7-13).
Yet the same person who said that,
Jesus Christ, also said, “So do not worry,
saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What
shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’
For the pagans run after all these things,
and your heavenly Father knows that you
need them. But seek first his kingdom and
his righteousness, and all these things will
be given to you as well. Therefore do not
worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will
worry about itself. Each day has enough
trouble of its own” (Matt. 6:31-34).
Similarly, the Apostle Paul painted a
pretty pale picture for posterity: “But
mark this: There will be terrible times
in the last days. People will be lovers of
30
themselves, lovers of money, boastful,
proud, abusive, disobedient to their
parents, ungrateful, unholy, without
love, unforgiving, slanderous, without
self-control, brutal, not lovers of the
good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers
of pleasure rather than lovers of God.
having a form of godliness but denying its
power” (2 Timothy 3:1-5a).
But he also said, “I consider that
our present sufferings are not worth
comparing with the glory that will be
revealed in us” (Romans 8:18).
A tentmaker by trade, Paul likened our
bodies to tents: “Now we know that if
the earthly tent we live in is
destroyed, we have a building from God,
an eternal house in heaven, not built
by human hands. Meanwhile we groan,
longing to be clothed with our heavenly
dwelling, because when we are clothed,
we will not be found naked. For while
we are in this tent, we groan and are
burdened, because we do not wish to
be unclothed but to be clothed with
our heavenly dwelling, so that what is
mortal may be swallowed up by life” (2
Corinthians 5:1-4).
Rather than focus on a tense future, Paul
preferred to focus on our future tents.
And if we follow his example, we’ll all
be happy campers. Think of this CD as a
bunch of songs to sing while we’re in the
woods.
Recovery
2009
Tracks on this CD:
1. Keep Your Arms Steady
2. Hurry Home Wayward Son
3. We Will Walk Through
4. We’re More Than Champions
5. Come, Whale, Away
6. Enemy Lines
7. Obadiah
8. Time for Me to Die
9. So Render (to Caesar)
10. Shovin’, Crushin’, Squeezin’
11. Not Some Old Fantasy
12. Don’t Bring Me Cows
In ApologetiX, we try to be all things
to all men so that by all means we
might save some (1 Corinthians 9:22).
Consequently, we play many styles of
music, but that doesn’t mean we all have
the same tastes.
One style we all agree on is late-1970s
classic rock. We grew up with it, and
thanks to Guitar Hero and Rock Band a
whole new generation has grown up with
it as well. So that was our focus on this
CD – playing music that mattered to us
then, while singing about what matters to
us now.
When naming this project, we considered
the albums the original songs came from,
and decided to spoof ELO’s Discovery
as Recovery. We all loved our parody of
“Don’t Bring Me Down,” and now we
could close our album with it as ELO did.
31
One of Merriam-Webster’s definitions
for “recover” is “to save from loss and
restore to usefulness.” That’s what Christ
did for us and what we try to do with
our parodies. The Bible says we were
once dead in our sins but are now alive in
Christ (Ephesians 2:4-5). That’s quite a
recovery!
Although in some senses ApologetiX does
cover versions of other people’s music,
we cover them in a new way, so recovery
seemed appropriate in that sense, too.
Best of all, now ApologetiX can officially
be called a Recovery group.
As Romans 11:11a says: “Again I ask:
Did they stumble so as to fall beyond
recovery? Not at all!”
2009
Tracks on this CD:
1. Strangest Folks
2. Very Wiser
3. Bible in Hand
4. Rocky Start
5. He Really Got Mad
6. Smarten Up
7. Amos
8. Play Fair Delilah
9. Lost and Found
10. I Made the Team
11. Read Ephesians
12. Sabbath Day’s Quite Alright for Nice
Things
13. Shoestring Tie-er
14. I Saw the Answer There
15. Life in the Last Days
16. Judgment Gets Passed
17. The Boys Aren’t Backin’ Down
Our 17th CD in 17 years, The Boys Aren’t
Backin’ Down arrvied less than three
months after our 16th. That might make
you think the title pertains to ApologetiX,
but the “boys” in question are actually
another group whose name starts with
the same three letters, the Apostles.
It may seem amazing that ApologetiX
could come up with a new CD so quickly,
but it’s absolutely miraculous that the
Apostles could come up with the courage
to preach the Gospel to an unfriendly
world less than two months after they all
ran and hid while their Master was
crucified.
But that’s what a personal encounter
with the resurrected Christ will do for
you. This CD celebrates the spirit of
courage those Apostles displayed and
the Spirit of God, who gave them that
courage.
32
The Boys Aren’t Backin’ Down also
celebrated a year in which we played
almost 100 dates in 40 states, and
our first full year with the TNT line-up
featuring guitarists Tom Milnes and
Tom Tincha. The songs on this CD were
recorded live in concert at Chippewa
Evangelical Free Church in Beaver Falls,
PA on October 11, 2009.
Unlike traditional live albums, though,
the majority of the songs here had
never before appeared on an ApologetiX
CD. The few that had made previous
appearances are from our earliest CDs
and were given new, improved lyrics for
this release.
As Hebrews 10:39 says, “But we are
not of those who shrink back and are
destroyed, but of those who believe and
are saved.”
Soundproof
2010
Tracks on this CD:
1. Lions
2. Sin of the World
3. I’m Cured
4. Did You Ever Ask Where Cain Got His
Wife?
5. Second Glance
6. Yer Maker
7. No One Is Good but One
8. Gideon (Man of God)
9. That Daughter
10. Trust Him
11. Huge Slumber Party
12. No Shepherd Tonight/New Other
Nature
13. People Are Lazy
15. Aquila
16. Wish You Could Hear
17. Death
18. It’s All in God’s Control
Released in October 2010, Soundproof
was our 18th CD.
Why would any self-respecting rock
band title their CD Soundproof? Doesn't
"soundproof" seem to suggest that other
people won't be able to hear you? Well,
yes - and no.
ApologetiX is all about giving scripturally
(and logically) sound proof for why we
believe what we believe. As 1 Peter 3:15
says:
"But in your hearts set apart Christ as
Lord. Always be prepared to give an
answer to everyone who asks you to give
the reason for the hope that you have.
But do this with gentleness and respect."
Of course, no matter how gentle and
respectful our answers are, or how
scripturally and logically sound our proof
is, there are many people who still won't
hear any of it. Why? In Jeremiah 6:10,
God says:
"To whom can I speak and give warning?
Who will listen to me? Their ears are
closed so they cannot hear. The word of
the LORD is offensive to them; they find
no pleasure in it."
33
Those people choose to put God - and
Christians who try to share His Word – in
a soundproof box. Since they'd prefer that
we keep quiet, we recorded this CD with
acoustic guitars and a grand piano (along
with bass and drums) to make it a little
quieter.
But our sentiments toward them are
summed up in the title and lyrics to one
of the tracks on this CD, "Wish You
Could Hear." As the CD liner notes state,
Soundproof is "based on a live recording."
All six band members performed and
recorded the tracks live before an
audience in Wexford, PA on July 9, 2010,
and polished them up in the studio
afterward.
We performed the tracks in the style
of the old MTV "unplugged" CDs. Tom
Milnes and Tom Tincha played acoustic
electric guitars. Bill Hubauer played grand
piano. Keith and Jimmy played bass and
drums as usual. This album also features
saxophone, fiddle, ukulele, and kazoo.
Note: The songs on the CD appear in the
same order in which they were performed
at the concert.
Classics - Party
2010
Tracks on this CD:
1. Old Time Romans Road
2. Meshach
3. Jonah Jonah
4. YHWH
5. Micah No. 5
7. I’m a Receiver
8. Get Found Tonight
11. Stay in the Light
12. Jehovah
13. Boy Tell the World
14. Twins Came Out
16. You Booked Me All Along
17. Play That Funny Music
18. Found God
19. Jacob’s Name Is Israel
21. Love & Kisses
22. Smooth Grandmama
By late 2010, we’d released 18 CDs. We
took most of the songs from our first 15
and recategorized them by genre and era,
after years of having people ask if we
had a CD that was just country, or just
metal, or just oldies, etc. Those initial
11 Classics CDs would be ideal for fans
to share with others who only liked a
specific type of music.
The tracks on the ApologetiX Classics
CDs were remastered by our producer,
Bill Hubauer. You often hear about
classic albums getting remastered then
re-released to great fanfare – what does
remastering mean?
Remastering is not remixing. The main
purpose of remastering our previously
released songs is to provide a more
pleasant listening experience for the fan.
Keep in mind that the songs on these
CDs were originally released over a 15year span, and our skills and technology
progressively improved over the years. By
remastering the tracks, we were able to
make the songs sound more like they all
belong together.
One of the things we did was balance
volume levels, because the industry has
pushed for louder levels over the years.
If you’ve ever had a playlist on shuffle on
your iPod, MP3 player, or computer (or if
34
you made homemade cassettes of your
favorite songs back in the day), you’ve
probably had to adjust the volume multiple
times. Not with these CDs.
Another thing we did was fix levels when
we thought a certain instrument was too
loud or not loud enough in the mix. For
example, we always thought the drums
at the beginning of “Born Above” sounded
like toy drums compared to the thundering
drums of the original Springsteen version.
Those are fixed now.
Conversely, we felt the mix on songs
like “I Have to Die First,” “Come Out
and Pray,” “I’ll Prepare for You,” and
“Welcome to the Judges” was a bit
abrasive and overpowering. That’s fixed
now. Furthermore, we thought the mixes
on songs from ApologetiX Hits: The Road
needed to be enhanced so you could
hear all of the instruments better, so we
attempted to do that on the songs we
used from that CD.
Better is in the eye of the beholder, of
course. All 203 tracks in the ApologetiX
Classics series were remastered, but
some songs will show more dramatic
results than others, and some ears will
pick up more difference than others. But
we’re very pleased with the results, and
we think you will be, too.
Classics - Heavy
2010
Tracks on this CD:
1. Lazy Brain
2. Back Intact
3. Downer of a Sister
4. Enter Samson
5. Welcome to the Judges
6. Smooth Grandmama
7. Young as You Are
8. Life Restored
9. Santa Claus
11. Singled You Out
12. Listening After Midnight
13. Miss Martha
14. Psum 14
15. Swimmer
16. Animals I Have Begun
17. Called My Wife
18. Jericho
19. Simp Liztik
20. Come Out and Pray
remastering mean?
belong together.
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used from that CD.
Classics - Lite
2010
Tracks on this CD:
1. Wherever You Will Sow
2. Cornelius
3. The Tablecloth (Peter’s Vision)
4. Bad Dad
5. Never Been to Spain (Yet)
7. Ephesians
8. Parable Guy
9. Follow Me
10. It’s Not Eden
11. Drop of Lucifer
12. More Than Works
13. Daniel
14. Manger
16. Spread the Way
17. Lazzie Lay
18. Yes Today
19. Wherever You Will Sow - Reprise
remastering mean?
belong together.
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used from that CD.
Classics - Country
2010
Tracks on this CD:
2. Bends to Low Places
3. Save Your Voice (Quiet Down Boy)
4. Good News Bookie
5. Humpty Dumpty Country Club
6. People Are Lazy
8. Fakey Shaky Parts
9. Elijah
10. Scripture
11. I’ve Got Elijah Fightin’ Baal
12. Hey Zaccheus
14. Not Logs Lincoln
remastering mean?
belong together.
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used from that CD.
Classics - Oldies
2010
Tracks on this CD:
1. Talk About the Lord
2. Wake Up Talitha Cumi
3. Don’t Be Fooled
4. Ronomy
6. Love the Jews
7. La Bible
8. Jail Got Rocked
9. Last Rain the Clouds Spill
10. Little-Read Bible Book
11. Credence Thru Deepwater Survival
12. John 1:1
13. Try Micah
14. Little Esther
15. The Word
remastering mean?
belong together.
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used from that CD.
Classics - 60’s
2010
Tracks on this CD:
2. Monkey Scheme
3. Crowd of Foreign Girls
4. Revelation Man
5. Mediterranean Wholebook News
6. Regeneration
7. Did You Ever Ask Where Cain Got His
Wife?
8. Back in the New Testament
10. Good Guys Bad Guys
11. Born-Again Child
12. Donkey Talked with Him
14. Armageddon Valley Someday
15. Revelation
16. Jesus (Sermon on the Mount)
17. Temple Physician
18. Help Me, Rhoda
19. Trinity
remastering mean?
belong together.
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used from that CD.
Classics - 70’s, Vol. 1
2010
Tracks on this CD:
1. More Than a Healing
2. Don’t Fear the People
4. Rocky’s Now My Name
5. Get a Bite
6. Rock and Roots
7. Can’t Eat Enough
8. Cheap Birds
10. Be Bold Jeremiah
11. Sufferin’ Just Finished
12. Born Above
13. Won’t Get Born Again
14. Fly Away from Hell
16. Walk on the Water
remastering mean?
belong together.
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used from that CD.
Classics - 70’s, Vol. 2
2010
Tracks on this CD:
3. Babylona
4. Spirit Inside
5. Dancing Dave
6. Sweet Oholibamah
7. You Ain’t Been Nothing Yet
8. Mama Told Me (What’s to Come)
9. Superficial
10. Lemonade
11. Go Right Now
12. Apostle Me
13. Lawful Woman (in a Bad Place)
14. Hey Zaccheus
16. Died and Rose
17. Walk His Way
18. Isaac Man
19. Kosmik
remastering mean?
belong together.
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used from that CD.
Classics - 80’s
2010
Tracks on this CD:
1. Iraq & Iran
2. Genny 22
3. Every Step to Take
4. Should I Pray or Should I Go?
5. Rock This Tower
6. Here I Go (Against All I’ve Known)
7. Land of Delusion
9. Once Livin’ Twice Died
10. Crazy Little King God Loves
11. Smart Blest Man
13. Tom Saw Ya
15. Every Crown Has Its Thorns
16. Sin Can Be Resistible
17. 969
remastering mean?
belong together.
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used from that CD.
Classics - 90’s
2010
Tracks on this CD:
1. I’m Gonna Feed (500 Mouths)
2. One Way
4. Smells Like Thirtysomething Spirit
5. Trooth
6. Plump
7. Second Timothy
8. I Want in That Place
9. Shepherd’s Paradise
11. Last Night
12. People
13. We’re Not Gonna Drown
14. Big Deal
15. Fast Paul
16. Stupid World
17. Amos
18. Preachers
19. Choirboy
20. Who’s There
21. Droppin’ on the Sun
22. Lightning Flashes
remastering mean?
belong together.
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used from that CD.
Classics - 2000’s
2010
Tracks on this CD:
1. Look Yourself
2. Boulevard of Both Extremes
3. JC’s Mom
4. Heavenly Hill
5. Corinthians
7. Bone Digger
8. Transplants
9. The Spittle
10. How You Rewind Me
12. Turning a Little Seasick
14. None Too Ladylike
15. Flurry
17. Somebody Sold Me
18. Guide the Way
19. Stupid’s Stronghold/Reckless in America
21. Christmasnite
remastering mean?
belong together.
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used from that CD.
Wise Up and Rock
2011
Tracks on this CD:
1. Working for the Weakened
2. Your Lunch
3. Keep Your Ham to Yourself
4. Don’t Stop Till Egypt
5. Judge
6. The Power Above
7. Monkeys for Uncles
8. Too Much Grime on My Hands
9. Hosanna
10. Jesse’s Boy
11. Dancing with the Ark
12. Fishin’ on a Pier
13. Mister Christian
14. Dude (Would Like to Save Me)
15. The Atheists
16. Timeline
17. 80’s Medley: Octagon but Not Forgotten
Read Acts
Bartimaeus Eyes
One Thing Leads to the Father
They Blindly Speak of Science
James 1:3
Wicked
We loved the 80’s. We lived the 80’s.
So we thought we’d revisit them with a
biblical perspective – something most of
us lacked in the 80s.
As you may have guessed, Wise Up and
Rock is a play on words referencing Luke
5:23, where Jesus said, “Whether is
easier, to say, Thy sins be forgiven thee;
or to say, Rise up and walk?”
In fact, we were so used to saying “Rise
up and walk,” that when we first named
this CD, the quote from Jesus was much
easier for us to say than the CD title.
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Incidentally, when our lead singer, J.
Jackson, joined his first Christian group
in 1986, his solo was a song called “Wise
Up.” He spent the rest of the ‘80’s in
secular rock bands, so his singing career
for that decade could be summarized as
“Wise Up” and rock.
It also summarizes what we try to get
people to do – learn (wise up) while
they’re rocking and rolling. Like the guy
on the cover of this CD, the Bible is
behind everything we do. As our bassist,
Keith Haynie, says: “Wise up and rock. I
have been telling people that for years.”
Orchard Avenue
2012
Tracks on this CD:
1. Ha-Bakk
2. Here Come the Sons
3. Day Kippur
4. Come to Father
The roots of Orchard Avenue go back to
our early days. The songs featured therein
were originally written between 199196. In fact, we included extremely rough
versions of some of them on our Rare:
Not Well Done downloads. But just as
these new performances are much more
polished than those, so are the lyrics.
An orchard is a piece of land planted with
fruit trees, but the main fruit it calls to
mind is apples, which of course, is the
fruit people associate with the Beatles,
since they recorded on Apple Records and
used to have apples on their record labels.
Ironically, the drum tracks for this project
were recorded at Jimmy “Vegas” Tanner’s
home studio, which he had named Red
Apple Studio (and later Red Apple Audio
Workshop) even before this project came
to fruition (pardon the pun).
The rest of this project was recorded
and produced at the home studio of
ApologetiX guitarist Tom Milnes on
Orchard Avenue, just as the Beatles album
Abbey Road was recorded at a studio on
Abbey Road. In fact, two of the songs we
spoofed on this project were actually the
lead-off songs on side one and side two
on the original Abbey Road record.
From a biblical standpoint, Orchard
Avenue calls to mind the rows of fruit
trees for healing the nations in the last
chapter of the Bible, Revelation 22:2b:
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“On each side of the river stood the tree
of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit,
yielding its fruit every month. And the
leaves of the tree are for the healing of
the nations.”
That, of course, is reminiscent of the
Garden of Eden, and we all know which
fruit people generally associate (although
the Bible isn’t specific) with that – an
apple. So, you could say the whole story
of the Bible, from Genesis to Revelation,
is an orchard avenue from the Garden of
Eden to the Paradise in Revelation.
Orchard Avenue is also the name of a
street J. had to pass on the long trip
home from his bus stop as a boy. “We
lived in a neighborhood at the top of a
hill,” he says, “and you had to go by
Orchard Avenue if you wanted to get
home or get to the mountaintop.”
The title also reminds us of an old Alan
Parsons album called Ammonia Avenue,
which appeared to be a coded reference
to Heaven. Take “NH3 AVE” and turn
the 3 upside down, and it becomes an
“e.” Then move the “N” to the end, and
it spells “Heaven.” The lyrics to the title
track of that album seem to confirm that.
Coincidentally, Parsons was the sound
engineer at Abbey Road studios when the
Beatles recorded Abbey Road and Let it
Be. And one of the other songs spoofed
on this project was originally on Let it Be.
20:20 Vision
2012
Tracks on Disc 1:
1. Welcome
2. Weep Jeremiah
3. Circus Performers
5. Samuel Gets Selective
6. Jesse’s Boy
7. Stop Caring
8. Dancing with the Ark
9. Kazoo Kommentary
10. Tenacious Todd’s Tale
11. Judge
12. Nothing to Sneeze At
15. Stand-Up Guy
16. Found God
17. Hit a Low C
18. For Just You
19. Equal Time for Esau
21. Marco Polo
23. Need-to-Know Bassist
24. Lived the Day You Died
Tracks on Disc 2:
1. Thrilling Announcement
2. Keep Your Ham to Yourself
3. Pilate Episode
5. You Could Be Famous
6. Monkeys for Uncles
7. All in the Family
8. Meshach
9. Trials & Trios
10. Anniversary Medley:
We Will Walk Through
Heavenly Hill
I Love Apostle Paul
11. Good News/Bad News
13. Paul’s Lady Friend
14. Aquila
Released in October 2012, 20:20 Vision
was recorded live at the ApologetiX 20th
anniversary concert in Wexford PA on
August 24, 2012.
We’ve done live albums before, but
never quite like this. It’s a two-CD set,
because we wanted fans to finally have
a recording that completely captured
the ApologetiX experience, including
dialogue between songs, comedy routines,
teaching, testimonies, etc.
We tried to think of the “live” albums we
liked best when we were growing up. It
wasn’t the polished “semi-live” albums
that were practically rerecorded in the
studio; it was the recordings that actually
captured a band, warts and all, having a
blast interacting with its audience.
This CD features three previously
unreleased songs, 16 classics, and a new
medley of other favorites. About half of
the songs have female backing vocals.
In addition, there are songs that were
previously only available acoustically but
are now electrified.
As they say, hindsight is 20/20. As we
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look back on 20 years and 20 albums, our
vision has remained the same: to reach
the lost and teach the rest.
Of course, in this world you can’t always
go by what you see. “For we live by
faith, not by sight” (2 Corinthians 5:7).
Nevertheless, God sometimes does such
amazing things you can barely believe
your eyes, but they are real!
One of the most dramatic examples was
when Jesus appeared to His disciples
after the Resurrection: “After he said this,
he showed them his hands and side. The
disciples were overjoyed when they saw
the Lord” (John 20:20).
Ironically, the disciples were using their
own vision (eyesight) to see that Jesus
was not merely a vision (an apparition).
Now that’s what we call a 20:20 vision!
Once those disciples saw Jesus, their
lives were never the same. That goes for
us, too, which is why we intend to keep
our vision the same for as long as the
Lord allows us to continue.
Hot Potato Soup
2013
Tracks on this CD:
1. Barroom Hitz
2. Guard Your Candle
4. Do What David Did
5. God’s Blood
6. For Just You
7. Weep Jeremiah
8. Special Stone
9. Puffed-Up Cliques
10. Too Pregnant
11. You’ve Got Another King Comin’
12. Gimme Pre-Trib
13. Lock
14. Man on a Cross
15. Cemetery Came Alive
We titled our 21st CD Hot Potato Soup,
because it featured a few controversial
topics that can be real “hot potatoes,”
mixed in with everything else like a soup.
We didn’t set out with that goal in mind;
it just happened that way.
Three live songs from 20:20 Vision got a
studio makeover here: “Weep Jeremiah,”
“For Just You” and “Lived the Day You
Died.” The other songs are all first-timers.
Like many soups, Hot Potato Soup may
seem a bit spicy, but we hope you’ll find it
quite tasty. Of course, God can make any
soup better, as evidenced by this story in
the Old Testament:
2 Kings 4:38-41
Elisha returned to Gilgal and there was a
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famine in that region. While the company
of the prophets was meeting with him, he
said to his servant, “Put on the large pot
and cook some stew for these men.”
One of them went out into the fields to
gather herbs and found a wild vine. He
gathered some of its gourds and filled the
fold of his cloak. When he returned, he
cut them up into the pot of stew, though
no one knew what they were. The stew
was poured out for the men, but as they
began to eat it, they cried out, “O man of
God, there is death in the pot!” And they
could not eat it.
Elisha said, “Get some flour.” He put it
into the pot and said, “Serve it to the
people to eat.” And there was nothing
harmful in the pot.
Churchigo II
2013
Tracks on this CD:
1. (Intro) It’s You in Me
2. It’s You in Me
3. (Intro) Sad Today in the Dark
4. Sad Today in the Dark
ApologetiX lead singer and lyricist J.
Jackson is also a worship leader at
New Community Church in Wexford,
PA – the same venue where we recorded
Soundproof, 20:20 Vision, and 20:20
Video.
On August 25, 2013, the worship team
performed a special concert with the choir
and a 10-piece band, including a full brass
section. J. sang lead on several songs,
including two new Chicago parodies he
wrote especially for the concert.
The church has a great worship team
with many talented vocalists and
instrumentalists, some of whom appeared
on our 20:20 projects, including music
director Greg Macaluso, who previously
was Wayne Newton’s music director in
Las Vegas and Branson for many years.
We made these songs available as
downloads later that week.
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Transformed Soul
2013
Tracks on this CD:
1. (Intro) Gideon’s Comin’
2. Gideon’s Comin’
3. (Intro) I Feel God
4. I Feel God
5. (Intro) Hold On, Christ’s Comin’
6. Hold On, Christ’s Comin’
ApologetiX lead singer and lyricist J.
Jackson wrote parodies of three classic
sixties soul songs for this special EP,
recorded live on October 6, 2013, with
the New Community Church Worship
Team, including a 10-piece band with a
full brass section.
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We made these songs available as
downloads later that week.
J. shares lead vocal duties with legendary
soul singer Sputzy Sparacino on this
project.
Classics - Christmas
2013
Tracks on this CD:
1. Micah No. 5
4. Manger
7. Christmasnite
8. Try Micah
9. Don’t Stop Till Egypt
10. JC’s Mom
12. Flurry
13. Santa Claus
ApologetiX Classics: Christmas assembles
our previously released Christmas-related
parodies on one CD for the first time.
The tracks were specially remastered
for this compilation. We re-recorded the
fan favorite “Santa Claus” especially for
this collection to showcase Tom Tincha’s
amazing guitar work.
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This was also the first time one of our
most-beloved parodies, “Hotel Can’t
Afford Ya” was available on CD since we
phased out our older CDs in 2010.
Handheld Messiah
2013
Tracks on this CD:
1. Messiah
2. Virgin
3. Cut-Rate Hotel
4. Child King
5. Mary’s Got a Son
6. One Night in Bethlehem
7. Christ in the Stable
8. Excuse Me, Pal, It’s Christmastime
9. Nice Iced Pavement
10. Wise Men Still
11. We Didn’t Start Messiah
Most people have heard (or heard of)
Handel’s Messiah, an oratorio composed
by George Frideric Handel in 1741, with
biblical lyrics by Charles Jennens. It’s
one of the most-famous and best-loved
musical works in history. But its initial
public reception was rather modest.
The handheld Messiah, Jesus, also got
a rather modest reception when He first
appeared in public, but would go on to
become the most-famous and best-loved
miracle worker in history. And so much
more. Prophet. Priest. Savior. King of
Kings. Lord of Lords.
Of course, Jesus existed long before
He was born to the Virgin Mary in the
manger:
“In the beginning was the Word, and the
Word was with God, and the Word was
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God … The Word became flesh and made
his dwelling among us. We have seen his
glory, the glory of the one and only Son,
who came from the Father, full of grace
and truth.” (John 1:1, 14)
In the last book of the Bible, it calls
Jesus “the Lamb who was slain from
the creation of the world” (Revelation
13:8). Even in the first book, God
foretold and foreshadowed His coming
numerous times, as early as Genesis 3:15.
Those signs and prophecies continued
throughout the Old Testament.
The Messiah was no afterthought. And
He didn’t stay a baby, either. We can’t
hold Him in our hands anymore. But now
no one can snatch us out of His hand
(John 10:28). With this CD, we celebrate
His birth, His death, His resurrection, and
His second coming.
Singles Group
2014
Tracks on this CD:
1. Brush
2. Cousin Zephaniah
3. Such Impressive Loving Smart Close
Friends
4. With Little Help from My Friends
5. Devil Fell
6. Calling Dr. Luke
7. Rollin’ in the Yeast
8. I Want That Crown
9. Flirtin’ with the Pastor
10. Jezebel
11. Some Sign from Above
12. Communion Ain’t Just Bread Now
13. Gimme Helper
This might be showing our age, but we
spent much of our youth in record shops
and the record sections of department
stores. If you couldn’t afford to buy an
album, you could always buy 45 rpm
singles. Finding your favorite song with a
picture sleeve was a special treat.
Most artists put lesser songs on the flip
sides, but others, like the Beatles and
CCR, had multiple double-sided hits. In
fact, the Beatles had so many great songs
that many of their singles didn’t even
appear on albums until later compilations.
With that in mind, in 2014, ApologetiX
became a singles group, releasing two or
three songs every two or three weeks.
Remembering our childhood preferences,
we made sure each release had its own
special digital picture sleeve and that all
songs on it were hits!
We made those singles available to our
fans as downloads for a donation of any
size. As this band has become increasingly
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dependent on fan support in recent years,
it seemed a great way to get more music
out there and also to give something back
to our fans.
Many fans still prefer CDs, though, so
we’ve grouped the first six singles (13
songs in all) together on Singles Group.
We plan to release additional collections
as new downloads add up. At the time
of this CD’s release, we’re already more
than halfway to completing a second
collection.
Making all this music has been quite
a collaborative effort, with current
band members, alumni, friends, and
family participating. As we’ve seen
and you’ll hear, “Behold, how good and
how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell
together in unity!” (Psalm 133:1).
Loaded 45’s
2014
Tracks on this CD:
1. Goodnews
2. Talk and I’ll Walk
3. Fly Like Ezekiel
4. Hell Smells
5. We’re Not Goin’ to Canaan
6. Let’s Redo the Music
7. You’re So Plain
8. These Streams
9. Old Man
10. Fearful
11. Take Jude
12. Hit ‘em with Your Slingshot
The parodies on this CD were first
released in a series of digital singles in
2014. The songs we spoofed all originally
came out as singles on 45 rpm records.
But the singles contained herein are
“loaded 45s” -- loaded with the lifechanging Word of God.
With that in mind, here are some verses
from a pair of loaded 45s in the Bible –
Isaiah 45 and Psalm 45.
Isaiah 45:21-22
“Declare what is to be, present it — let
them take counsel together. Who foretold
this long ago,
who declared it from the distant past?
Was it not I, the Lord?
And there is no God apart from me, a
righteous God and a Savior; there is none
but me. Turn to me and be saved, all you
ends of the earth; for I am God, and there
is no other.”
Notice how God says there is no other
God or Savior apart from Him. Then how
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can Jesus be our Savior? Psalm 45 gives
us clues, as God Himself refers to the
Messiah as “God”:
Psalm 45:6-7
“Your throne, O God, will last for ever
and ever; a scepter of justice will be
the scepter of your kingdom. You love
righteousness and hate wickedness;
therefore God, your God, has set you
above your companions by anointing you
with the oil of joy.”
Hebrews 1:8 says God is talking “about
the Son” in those verses. We do a lot of
talking about the Son in the verses of our
songs, too, and we pray that everything
we do will bring glory to Him, the King
of Kings and Lord of Lords. As it says
elsewhere in Psalm 45:
“My heart is stirred by a noble theme
as I recite my verses for the king;
my tongue is the pen of a skillful writer.”
(Psalm 45:1).
Apoplectic
2014
Tracks on this CD:
1. Come for Some
2. Proving My Religion
3. God’s Own Son
4. Aaronic
5. Better Than Exorcism
6. One More Wall
7. Bathwater
8. God Knows You’ve Tried
9. This Is from Paul
10. Comeback
11. One of Us Indeed
12. Matching Punches
13. Under the Breath
In a sense, Apoplectic is the follow-up
to our Ticked (a.k.a. “Rolling Clone”) CD
from 1997. It concentrates on the same
era and genre of music, and it has a
similar attitude. That’s one of the reasons
we called it “Apoplectic,” which basically
means “really ticked.”
A number of our fans who aren’t even
familiar with 90’s music have told us that
Ticked is one of their favorite ApologetiX
CDs, because of how powerful the songs
are. We hope and think you’ll feel the
same way about Apoplectic.
All but one of the parodies on Apoplectic
were written at the same time as the
ones on Ticked (“God Knows You’ve
Tried” was written in 2014). We just ran
out of space in 1997.
However, waiting 17 additional years has
given us a lot more time to hone our craft,
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so the quality of the performances on
Apoplectic are a marked improvement. We
actually began writing songs for Ticked at
the end of 1994, so some of these songs
have been waiting 20 years, although we
have tweaked the lyrics a little bit.
Two of the tracks on this CD are sung
by J.’s oldest daughter, Janna, who was
born in 1996, about the same time he got
the lyrics for the songs she would grow
up to sing! Fittingly, one of those songs is
a parody of a song called “Ironic.”
So God provided the singer at the same
time He provided the lyrics. We just had
to wait 18 years to find that out. Isn’t
that ironic?
If you’re unfamiliar with some of the
songs we spoofed here, just pretend it’s
that long-awaited CD of original music
you’ve been asking us to release!
Unconditional Releases
2014
Tracks on this CD:
1. Servin’ the Father
2. Set Him Free
3. Another One Died for Us
4. Bad Case of Leprosy
5. Herman’s Sermon
6. Feelin’ Stronger in the Faith
7. Must Seem Silly
8. Seek Out God to Be Free
9. Grinch Girl
10. Hanukkah
11. The Whole Darn Roof Leaks
12. Offer Your Prayer
In 2014, we released a series of digital
singles, each available for a donation
of any size, thereby making them
unconditional releases. This is the fourth
volume in our series of CDs collecting
those songs.
But that’s not the only reason we chose
this title. A couple of the songs on this CD
talk about being unconditionally released
from slavery – “Set Him Free” (about
physical slavery) and “Seek Out God to Be
Free” (about spiritual slavery).
In sports, when a team gives someone
his unconditional release, it usually
means they no longer have any use for
him. However, when God gives us our
unconditional release, He wants to use us
more than ever!
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Although the Bible clearly says we’re
saved by God’s grace and not our good
works (Ephesians 2:8-9), it does add the
following:
“For we are God’s handiwork, created
in Christ Jesus to do good works, which
God prepared in advance for us to do”
(Ephesians 3:20).
And if He has already prepared them for
us, then we can be confident that He has
already prepared us for them! And not as
a way to obtain or maintain our salvation
but as a way to bring glory to Him and to
bring others into His kingdom.
We hope these songs will help you feel
stronger in the faith as we all work
together, servin’ the Father.
Easter Standard Time
2015
Tracks on this CD:
1. Hosanna
2. One of These Guys
4. Although None Could Watch an Hour
5. Last Night
8. Too Wicked for Paradise
9. Cemetery Came Alive
11. Magdalena
12. One Headline
13. Emmaus
14. Scars
16. Died and Rose
Like most of our CD titles, Easter
Standard Time has multiple meanings.
We had considered assembling a
collection of old standards (previously
released ApologetiX songs) about Passion
Week and Easter, but the older songs
didn’t match our current standards for
production. So we decided to rerecord
them.
However, we also had other Easteroriented parodies written over the years
that we’d been waiting to record for the
first time — songs dealing with parts of
the story we hadn’t covered before.
Then we wrote more parodies to fill in the
gaps. We decided to present the songs
in the order in which the events they
describe happened (standard time).
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The United States uses Eastern Standard
Time to tell people when the sun rose on
a particular day, so we’re using Easter
Standard Time to tell people when the
Son rose on a spectacular day.
This CD is what we had in mind when we
made Jesus Christ Morningstar in 1998;
we just didn’t have enough songs about
Passion Week and the Resurrection to tell
the whole story or fill a whole CD. Now
we do.
We’re excited to see this project reach
fruition. But if it brings those who hear
it into a deeper relationship with Christ,
that will be the real fruit. So you could
say we’re hoping this CD will turn a lot of
Easter baskets into fruit baskets.
Music Is as Music Does
2015
Tracks on this CD:
1. Come on, Heal the Boy
2. God of Peace
3. Stone Him Rough
4. Jesus and Moses
5. Sa-Maria
6. Resist Him
7. Let’s End the Fight Together
8. Addicted to Christ
9. A Source with No Name
10. Be Like David Was
11. Pharaoh-noid
12. Fight for Your Right to Parody
Some people think of ApologetiX as little
more than a cover band, using parodies
as an excuse to play “the devil’s music.”
Well, you can’t judge a book by its cover,
but you can judge our “covers” by the
Book.
Jesus said, “Judge not according to
the appearance, but judge righteous
judgment” (John 7:24) and “Each tree is
recognized by its own fruit” (Luke 6:44).
We have almost a quarter-century of
fruit by which to judge this ministry –
countless cases of God using our parodies
to “reach the lost and teach the rest.”
Souls saved. Hearts encouraged. Minds
enlightened.
The same God who created mankind also
created music. People become sinful by
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what they say and do. Songs become
sinful by what they say (lyrics) and do
(the feelings/actions they stir up), too.
But God can redeem people and make
them new creations (2 Corinthians 5:17),
and He can do the same with songs.
When God changes a person, they may
look the same, but their heart is changed.
When God changes a song, it may sound
the same, but its heart is changed, too.
You should be able tell a Christian by his
words and actions. The same criteria
should apply to Christian music. To
paraphrase Forrest Gump, “Music is
as music does” -- so open this box of
chocolates and see what you get.
Play Nice
2015
Tracks on this CD:
1. He Spoke
2. Act Selfless
3. Desperate Queen
4. Psalms Come True
5. We Got the Feet
6. Sheba
7. Tufftumbling
8. Patients
9. Drop Your Knife and Hurry, Man
10. Unfinished Job
11. Talking Inner Peace
12. To Be Rebuked
One of the reasons we called this CD
“Play Nice” was that it includes a pair
of parodies of artists associated with a
softer sound, plus four and a half songs
fronted by females. Even some of the
songs we spoofed here by hard-hitting
bands are ballads rather than rockers,
although there’s enough rock on the rest
of the record to remind you of our roots.
Of course, we have biblical reasons for
the title, too. Whether we’re reasoning
with a non-believer (like the opening track)
or rebuking a brother (like the closing
track), it’s important to “play nice” in
the game of life and to “act selfless” (as
discussed in the second track). After
all, we’ve got an unfinished job to do —
taking the Gospel to the world.
We share that Gospel with our deeds as
well as our words, and that’s why it’s
essential that we do so “with gentleness
and respect, keeping a clear conscience,
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so that those who speak maliciously
against your good behavior in Christ may
be ashamed of their slander” (1 Peter
3:15b-16).
But the Bible tells us to do more than
just play nice. Jesus told His disciples
to “love your enemies and pray for those
who persecute you” (Matthew 5:44)
and to “be as shrewd as snakes and as
innocent as doves” (Matthew 10:16).
It’s not easy to play nice when the rest
of the world plays rough. Meekness isn’t
for wimps. After all, Jesus was meek,
but He certainly wasn’t weak. And He
gave us His life and words as an example:
“Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me;
for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye
shall find rest unto your souls.” (Matthew
11:29).
So play hard and play fair. But play nice.
You Can’t Say Euphrates
WIthout the 80’s
2015
Tracks on this CD:
1. I Dealt with You
2. Could He Choose You
3. Nicky
5. Strange Cat, But ...
6. Christ’s Wedding
7. Keep on Loving Ruth
8. Iran (So Far Away)
9. I Went in the Stream
10. Anteater
11. Faithless Love
12. Separate Days (to Worship God)
The Euphrates isn’t just a river that flows
through Mesopotamia; it’s a river that
flows through the entire Bible -- from
Genesis 2:14 through Revelation 16:12.
In fact, it’s mentioned over 50 times in 16
books of the New International Version.
Metal grates were installed underwater,
allowing the river to flow through the city
walls while preventing intrusion.
Meanwhile, the Bible is a river that flows
through every song on this CD. One
of those songs, “Iran (So Far Away),”
describes the fall of Babylon to the
Media-Persian empire as prophesied and
fulfilled in Daniel 5. Though the Euphrates
isn’t mentioned by name in the book of
Daniel, Wikipedia says it played a key role
in the story:
“Cyrus (or his generals) devised a plan
to enter the city via the river. During a
Babylonian national feast, Cyrus’ troops
diverted the Euphrates River upstream,
allowing Cyrus’ soldiers to enter the city
through the lowered water. The Persian
army conquered the outlying areas of the
city while the majority of Babylonians
at the city center were unaware of the
breach. The account was elaborated upon
by Herodotus and is also mentioned in
parts of the Hebrew Bible.”
“In 539 BC, the Neo-Babylonian Empire
fell to Cyrus the Great, king of Persia,
with a military engagement known as
the Battle of Opis. Babylon’s walls were
considered impenetrable. The only way
into the city was through one of its many
gates or through the Euphrates River.
The other river that flows through this
CD is the 80’s. That’s biblical, too. After
all, Moses and Aaron were in their 80’s
when God used them to lead the Israelites
out of Egypt. And if the parting of the
Red Sea doesn’t classify as “new wave
movement,” what does?
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Tracks on this single:
Brush
Cousin Zephaniah
Such Impressive Loving Smart Close Friends
With Little Help from My Friends
Devil Fell
Calling Dr. Luke
I Want That Crown
Jezebel
Some Sign from Above
Gimme Helper
Aaronic
This Is from Paul
Goodnews
Talk and I’ll Walk
Fly Like Ezekiel
Hell Smells
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We’re Not Goin’ to Canaan
You’re So Plain
These Streams
Old Man
Fearful
Take Jude
One More Wall
One of These Guys
One of Us Indeed
Proving My Religion
God’s Own Son
Servin’ the Father
Set Him Free
Bad Case of Leprosy
Herman’s Sermon
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Must Seem Silly
Grinch Girl
Hanukkah
The Whole Darn Roof Leaks
Offer Your Prayer
Come On, Heal the Boy
God of Peace
Stone Him Rough
Jesus and Moses
Sa-Maria
Resist Him
Magdalena
Although None Could Watch an Hour
Too Wicked for Paradise
Scars
Addicted to Christ
63
A Source with No Name
Be Like David Was
Pharaoh-noid
Act Selfless
He Spoke
Desperate Queen
Psalms Come True
We Got the Feet
Sheba
Tufftumbling
Patients
Unfinished Job
Talking Inner Peace
To Be Rebuked
I Dealt with You
Could He Choose You
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Nicky
I Love Apostle Paul
Costly Truth
Try and Try Again
Strange Cat, But
Christ’s Wedding
I Can’t Escape
Keep on Loving Ruth
Clothing Time
I Went in the Stream
Iran
Anteater
Faithless Love
Lily-White Boy
Separate Days
Jephthah You Needed
Complain
65
80’s Medley: Octagon but Not Forgotten
Read Acts
Parody of “Relax” by Frankie Goes to Hollywood
Written by Peter Gill, Holly Johnson, Brian Nash &
Mark O’Toole
(The Book of Acts)
Parody of:
Bartimaeus Eyes
Parody of “Bette Davis Eyes” by Kim Carnes
Written by Donna Weiss & Jackie DeShannon
(Mark 10:46-52; Matthew 20:29-34; Luke 18:35-43)
Original Songwriters:
Parody of “Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)” by
Bible References:
Eurhythmics
Written by Annie Lennox & David A. Stewart
(Matthew 21; Mark 11; Luke 19; John 2;
1 Timothy 6)
J’s Journal:
Parody of “Sunglasses at Night” by Corey Hart
Written by Corey Hart
(The Book of Psalms)
Read Acts, go through it – When you’re done, you go do it
Read Acts, go through it – Anyone can come
Read Acts, go through it – Tell you what – there’s somethin’ to it
Read Acts, go through it – Anyone can come
He heard ‘em holler, Ho! – Here comes Jesus Christ
The man would never know – He’s got Bartimaeus eyes
He turned and looked around – He don’t have any sight
He’s sure he soon will, though – He’s got Bartimaeus eyes
He says, Jesus – If He sees me – I’ll be better, yes indeedy
Cause they told us – That He knows just what it takes to make us whole, yes
You gotta get a Bible, look up the guy – Who’s got Bartimaeus eyes
Sweet Jesus made a whip – Threw ‘em out and despised greed
The temple is more than a den of thieves
Everybody, listen to something
Money is what you use to – Come up with stuff to get used by you
Love of that money can ruin you – Love of that money’s evil’s root
Oooh
I read a Psalm passage at night
So I can, so I can – watch the way they prayed in olden times
And I read my Psalm passage at night
So I can, so I can – keep scraps of Scripture in my mind
I sleep peacefully – ‘Cause God’s my security
And He’s got a hold of me – I turn to Him in faith
Parody of “Hungry Like the Wolf” by Duran Duran
Written by Duran Duran
(Psalm 119)
Tucked in the center, like a surprise – You’ll see a Psalm with earth-shaking size
Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do
Ooh, it’s acrostic in its design – Because repeating letters open each line
There’s much written down – I’ve got a hunch I’m bafflin’ you
Shall I expound? The acrostic is found – In the hundred nineteenth Psalm
It’s got a design – it just doesn’t rhyme – And it’s the longest chapter too
It’s alphabetized –22 sections wide – It’s the hundred nineteenth Psalm
They Blindly Speak of Science
Parody of “She Blinded Me with Science” by
Thomas Dolby
Written by Thomas Dolby & Jo Kerr
(1 Timothy 6:20)
They’re going through the motions – They’re tryin’ to tenderize the meat
They teach us evolution – Their speech is very Darwin-y
But they blindly speak of science (They blindly speak of science)
6:20 in First Timothy
66
80’s Medley: Octagon but Not Forgotten (cont.)
Parody of “One Thing Leads to Another” by
The Fixx
Written by Cy Curnin, Adam Woods, Jamie WestOram, Rupert Greenall & Alfie Agius
Parody
of: Acts 4:12, 1 Timothy 2:5)
(John
14:6,
Parody of “I Can’t Go For That (No Can Do)” by
Hall & Oates
Written by Darryl Hall, John Oates & Sara Allen
(Romans 5:3-5; 2 Corinthians 1:3-4, 4:16-18;
James
1:2-4, 5:10-11; Hebrews 5:7-10)
Bible References:
J’s Journal:
The deception’s worldwide – To what are you trying to pray
You’ve got a bland faith – your guru says
Communicate with any god you please
You see I mentioned this to – Make a case for black or white
But when one little cross leaves you shocked – it’s unique
You won’t discover though you seek – I know the … Truth and the Way
Read John 14:6, baby, one thing leads to the Father
You tell me that I’m wrong – I’ve been a Christian too long, my friend
One way leads to the Father
Jesus said He’s with me all the time
That doesn’t stop when things are scary and not so fine
You’ve got some problems no one wants, I know
You even prayed about it– now they won’t go
Yeah, but I-I-I-I-I cried through many things that He brought me through
Hey, and I-I-I-I-I’d do only pleasant things if I got to choose
Yeah, but I can’t grow from that, no – nor can you
I can’t grow from that, no – nor can you
I can’t grow from that, can’t grow from that
Can’t grow from that, can’t grow from that
James 1:3
Parody of “Take on Me” by A-ha
Written by Magne Furuholmen, Morten Harket &
Pål Waaktaar
(James 1:2-4)
Tough things await – I don’t know what
I’m just sayin’ – I’ll face them anyway
But James says that they refine you
Trials await – I’ll be coming through them all OK
James 1:3 – They only – Make me strong – They hone me
I’ll see God – Whenever they’re through
Wicked
Parody of “Whip It” by Devo
Written by Gerald Casale & Mark Mothersbaugh
(Acts 3:26, Romans 4:5, Hebrews 8:12)
Let’s admit it – In the past you slipped
Check on the facts – Babe, your heart was black
Well, you’ve probably done some wrong – You was wicked
Before you’d been around too long – You was wicked
To summarize this song – You was wicked
We’re wicked – it’s a shame
Change it up – get straight
Grow purer – you may say
“I’m too defective” – but God can make
The wicked – wicked good
67
969
Parody of:
“Summer of ‘69” by Bryan Adams
Bryan Adams & Jim Vallance
Bible References:
Genesis 5:1-32, Romans 10:6-9
J’s Journal:
According to the Bible, people used to live a lot
longer than they do today. Adam and a number of
his descendants lived to ages over 900! The oldest
age recorded in the Bible is 969, attained by a
guy named Methuselah, the grandfather of Noah
(Genesis 5:27). No matter how old you are now, you
have no guarantees for tomorrow unless you give
your heart to Christ. That’s why the Bible says in
the Psalms and in Hebrews (three times): “Today,
if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts.”
We started jamming on this song in practice back
in 1997, and I got all the parody words over the
next few days. I remember having some of them
come to me while I was at Wal-Mart.
You got to learn a little history
Oldest man in Bible times
Name was called Methuselah
Was nine hundred and sixty-nine
We had some guys come close
Almost ran for a thousand yards
Didn’t they quit till they got buried
They should’ve known it just was too hard
When we look back now
Those fellas seemed to live forever
And you just get annoyed
cause you don’t wanna believe it
Those guys were blessed with such long lives
Ain’t no use in explainin’
If you’re gonna doubt the truth
Spent your life doubtin’ the Bible
And that’s the fountain of youth – yeah
Standin’ knockin’ on your door
He told ya you could live forever
I hope you understand
The truth is it’s now or never
These are the last days of your life
That should be somethin’ that sticks in your mind
Yeah, we’re runnin’ out of time
But the young forget that they need eternal life
To get somethin’ that last forever – forever – Whoa! Yeah!
And all the time we’re agin’
Look at every wrinkle comin’ on
Some guys don’t even live to be 16
Think about that while I end this song
Standin’ knockin’ on your door
He told you how to live forever
I hope you understand
Hebrews three says it’s now or never
These are the last days of your life.
That should be somethin’ that sticks in your mind
68
Aaronic
An old man learned kinda late
He was about to be the high priest of the faith
He had sacrifices that were hard to make
And they kept old Aaron too busy to think
This song is Aaronic – don’t you think?
Parody of:
“Ironic” by Alanis Morissette
Alanis Morissette & Glen Ballard
Bible References:
Hebrews 5:1-11, 7:11, 9:11-15, 10:11-12;
Exodus 28:1; Leviticus 9:1-24
J’s Journal:
A sure bet to lead off most alphabetical listings of
titles, this song contrasts the priesthood of Aaron
with that of Jesus, a high priest after the order of
Melchizedek, as prophesied by David a thousand
years earlier in Psalm 110:4. Melchizedek first
appears in Genesis 14 but is discussed in great
detail in relation to Jesus in Hebrews chapters 5-10.
If you read the Bible, you oughta know that already.
If not, you live, you learn. I wrote the lyrics to this
parody of “Ironic” by Alanis Morissette about the
same time my daughter Janna was born, so God
gave me the singer about the same time He gave
me the lyrics. I just had to wait until she was ready.
Isn’t that ironic? Don’t ya think?
But Christ came with a better way
To redeem us – and He already paid
With a sacrifice that we just couldn’t make
And who else but God was big enough?
Mr. A. himself was a faithful guy
He acted to erase the sins of Israelites
He made it his goal in life to make them right
But as he soon found out
The cost of sin was too high
And this song is Aaronic – don’t you think?
CHORUS
Well, Christ had the final way
Of making atonement for the sins everyone had made
Whenever He was crucified
And Christ is the only way
Of helping you out ‘cause you see everyone’s done wrong
And everyone screws up every day
The perfect lamb and He’s already slain
A more holy priest to rise in Melchizedek’s place
The lives of 10,000 bulls and all the sheep ain’t enough
It’s Jesus, the man without sin
We needed His beautiful blood
Yes, our sin was chronic – don’t you think?
A ittle too Bubonic – oh yeah, I really do think
CHORUS
Christ is the only way – He’s speaking now to you
Christ is the only, only way
Of helping you out, helping you out
69
Act Selfless
WHISPER
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.
Rather, in humility value others above yourselves,
not looking to your own interests
but each of you to the interests of the others.”
Parody of:
“Black Velvet” by Alannah Myles
David Tyson & Christopher Ward
Bible References:
Matthew 7:12, 20:28, 22:39; Mark 9:33-35,
10:45, 12:31; Luke 6:27-36, 12:35-37, 22:24-27;
John 13:1-17; Philippians 2:3-8; Leviticus 19:18
J’s Journal:
In our world and our times, you love who you love
because they love you. But we’ve still got this thing
called the Bible that says love is much more than
that. The Lord commands us to love our neighbor
as ourselves, but being selfish is bad for you. If you
want to be a true disciple, you must even love your
enemies – not just the people who love you! You
probably didn’t even recognize all the Alannah Myles
song references in there, did you? This was the fourth
parody with Keely Singer on lead vocals. When I
first got the idea to do this song in April 2014, I had
a feeling it would be perfect for her, so I asked if she
was interested. Keely said she loved the song and
had sung it live many times. We didn’t get around to
recording it till a full year later, though. Jake Rieger
laid down that signature bass line on April 6, 2015.
Joe Cataneo, an excellent musician and friend from
Jimmy’s church, recorded the guitar parts the
following day (this was his second song with us).
I finished the lyrics on April 15, and Keely came in
and sang all the vocals on April 29. We released the
finished track on May 17. You know, when you’re
trying to write a song called “Act Selfless,” it’s
amazing how many interruptions from people in
need occur in your life that God uses to try to teach
you to be more selfless! I told my wife that I want
to write a song called “Unconditional Blessings”
next time, so those happen instead. As He’s sitting in the midst of the disciples
Jesus rises with a little ol’ surprise
Now He’s standin’ with a basin full of water
He doesn’t set aside till the last one’s feet are dry
It was a strange new attitude in a king
‘Cause they saw their Lord, kneeling upon the floor
Act selfless – and then give a broad smile
Act selfless – and then go another mile
A new religion where the King is on His knees
Act selfless – if you please
Unpretentious and He woos us with His meek ways
Christ likes it when the proud decide to bow
Love your neighbor – it’s a hard, rough thing to do but
Love your enemies – it’s what Christ wants in us now
When we refuse it’s just a sin, so see it through
Always striving for pleasing your humble Lord
Act selfless – and ya did the Lord proud
Act selfless – ‘cause we’re all brothers now
A new religion that’ll bring ya inner peace
Act selfless – if you please
Yeah, the Word He left His throne and He came just for you
In the flesh He was God
His actions so proved
What should you do?
LEAD
Act selfless – when that bitter world’s vile
Act selfless when your soul suffers trials
A new religion where the strength goes to the weak
Act selfless – it’s unique
Act selfless – and the risen Lord smiles
Act selfless – and then you’re the Father’s child
A new religion – in Philippians 2 verse 3
Act selfless – if you believe
If you believe
70
A.D. 1992/Rockin’ the Paradise Club
Parody of:
“A.D. 1928/Rockin’ the Paradise” by Styx
Dennis DeYoung
Bible References:
Luke 23:43
J’s Journal:
ApologetiX played its first concert ever on March
27, 1992, at the Paradise Club in Irwin PA. In fact,
we played eight of our first 10 concerts there.
Overall, 14 of the 26 concerts we played in our first
year were at the Club. That made this Styx song
(and a certain song by Eddie Money) natural parodies
for Paradise performances. We were so excited the
first time we played this one there as our opener,
although we wound up only using it once or twice.
And it’s not like we could play it at any other venue!
Like the Paradise Theater in Styx’s concept album,
the Paradise Club eventually closed down, in 1994.
We’ll never play there again – they literally “paved
Paradise and they put up a parking lot” many years
ago – but some of the recordings from those early
concerts still exist. This song was originally recorded
there on June 20, 1992. It was our third show at
the Club, and our fifth show ever. We released it
on our first live cassette, Get Your Wigs, later that
month – talk about a rush release! Tonight’s the night ancient history will surely come alive
‘Cause we’ll take many hits
And write them the way we like
To give them a brand new life
So listen close to what we say
‘Cause it could change your life
Like this old hair salon was changed by the love of Christ
Into the Paradise!!!
LEAD
Watcha doin’ tonight?
Can’t you see that this world’s gone crazy?
All America’s searchin’ for the Way
There’s people looking around
But if they’d start lookin’ upsy-daisy
They’d see that the Truth’s the same as yesterday
We need to catch their ear with something they’ve heard
Rock it, roll it, shaken and stirred
Take the oldies, bring ‘em the Word
Of the best piece of Good News that they’ve ever heard
So watcha doin’ tonight?
Have you heard of regeneration?
To live forever there’s just one thing you’ve got to do
It’s time to turn on the light
And shine it bright on a weary nation
We can conquer the darkness with the living Truth
We’ll sing the songs you knew from radio land
Run them through this microphone stand
Make them new the way that we planned
Take it to every man and we’ll be
Rockin’ at Paradise, Rockin’ to Paradise tonight
Rockin’ the Paradise, Rockin’ the Paradise tonight REPEAT
Tonight! Tonight!
LEAD
We’ll sing the songs you knew from radio land
Run them through this microphone stand
Make them new the way that we planned
Take it to every man and we’ll be
CHORUS
71
Parody of:
“Ticket to Ride” by The Beatles
John Lennon & Paul McCartney
Bible References:
Titus 2:11-13, Romans 6:18
J’s Journal:
Jesus says there is rejoicing in the presence of the
angels of God when a sinner repents (Luke 15:7,
10). But when people attempt to clean up their lives
without Christ, it’s a temporary fix. In Matthew
12:43-45, Jesus says that after an unclean spirit
goes out of a person, it eventually comes back; and
if it finds the house empty, it brings seven other
spirits more evil than itself to live there with it, so
the person is worse off than when they started.
If a person quits drugs or alcohol or any other
addiction and doesn’t replace them with Jesus,
they’re still going to have a big God-shaped hole
inside of them, and they’ll eventually try to fill it
with something else. But once a person has Christ
inside them, they “have been set free from sin and
have become slaves to righteousness” (Romans
6:18). This song was recorded live at Lazarus’ Tomb
in Arnold PA on March 9, 1996. It was originally
released on a homemade cassette called Beatleg
in late 1996. Believe it or not, the first time I ever
heard “Ticket to Ride,” it was the Carpenters
version, thanks to my older sister Kris.
The angels probably had a picnic today
The girl they thought was so bad is gonna be saved
She got addicted to Christ
She got addicted to Chri-i-ist
She got addicted to Christ and freed from sin
She said that livin’ in sin was bringin’ her down
She could never be free while that had her bound
Oh, she got addicted to Christ
She doesn’t wanna try to get high
She doesn’t drink shots, she doesn’t do pot or pills
Before, she used to stay out all night
She had to take a lot, she had a big spot to fill
With Jesus livin’ within, she’s makin’ it now
She could never get clean without Him around
So she got addicted to Christ
The angels oughta be glad and singin’ today
The devil’s gonna be mad, but what can he say?
Oh, she got addicted to Christ
She doesn’t drink shots, she doesn’t do pot or pills
Before, she used to stay out all night
She had to take a lot, she had a big spot to fill
With Jesus livin’ within, she’s makin’ it now
God saved her from sin, God saved her from sin
72
I think there’s so many sad addictions today, yeah
A girl that struggled real bad has thrown them away
Parody of:
“Ticket to Ride” by The Beatles
Bible References:
Titus 2:11-13, Romans 6:18
J’s Journal:
We all fight addictions or temptations. We’d
like to think we can work it out, but you can’t
do that without help. When people try to go cold
turkey without Jesus, even if they seem to be
getting better, they still have a God-shaped hole
they’ll try to fill with something else. So the girl
in this song says, “I don’t want to spoil the party,
but I’ll follow the Son.” We included a primitive
version of this parody on our Rare Not Well Done
downloads in 2007. That recording came from a
live performance at Lazarus Tomb in Arnold PA on
March 9, 1996. I rewrote much of the lyrics for this
version in late March and early April 2015. Wayne
Bartley played guitars this time around.
She said that livin’ in sin was bringin’ her down, yeah
She could never be free while that had her bound
She won’t get drunk or try to get high
It only brings strife – she’s got a new life finally
Before, she says, I stayed out all night
I wanna live right, so now at midnight, I sleep
The angels oughta be glad and singin’ today, yeah
The devil’s probably be mad he’s goin’ away, yeah
‘Cause she got addicted to Christ
Because of Jesus Christ she’s gone to new heights, I see
Before, she used to pay for good times
There was a steep price – but now the good times are free
With Jesus livin’ within, she’s makin’ it now, yeah
God saved her from sin
73
Parody of:
“Pink Houses” by John Cougar Mellencamp
John Mellencamp
Bible References:
John 9
J’s Journal:
If I remember correctly, this was one of those
songs that started in the shower and continued on
the drive to work. Although the hook parody line
is “Ain’t that a miracle,” replacing Mellencamp’s
“Ain’t that America,” I think the line that started
it was actually the opening line, “There’s a blind
man.” For years, that’s what I thought Mellencamp
was singing, and it wasn’t until much later that I
realized he was saying, “There’s a black man.” I
always thought the story of the blind man in John 9
was so interesting, because it shows how Jesus did
an obvious miracle, healing a man whom everybody
in the community knew had been blind since birth,
and yet people were making up excuses NOT to
believe it. They even said that maybe there was an
imposter posing as the blind man! To me, the key
line in our parody is the last line in the final verse:
“Because this world demands a sign and when it
gets one it just wants to stick it on the shelf.” I’ve
seen that happen plenty of times when I’ve tried
to recount to certain people some of the miracles
God has done in my own life, and I can see their
eyes glaze over because they don’t want to believe
it really happened, even though they know me well
and they know I’m not a liar. This was actually
our second Mellencamp parody; we did a parody
of his song “Play Guitar” (also from the Uh Huh
album) on Want It Dead or Alive?, the cassette that
directly preceded Isn’t Wasn’t Ain’t.
Well, there’s a blind man – he’s a beggar
He was a blind since birth
But to demonstrate the power of God
Jesus looked at him and spat down on the earth
He made ointment with His spittle
Then Jesus put the mud on his eyes
And when the man got back from washin’ at Siloam
He was no longer blind
Ah, but ain’t that a miracle? Yes, indeed
Ain’t that a miracle? Now he can see, baby!
Ain’t that a miracle? Totally free!
Anything’s possible if you believe – oh, if you believe!
Now the neighbors saw the beggar
‘Cause they knew him from his previous occupation
Some said, “Is he the one who used to sit and beg?”
Some said, “No, this must be some imitation!”
But the beggar kept affirming that he was the one who’d been blind
He said, “This Jesus guy made clay, put it on my eyes and said,
‘Wash and you’ll be fine.’”
CHORUS
Well, the people took him to the temple
And brought in his folks
Took him up to the Pharisees
They said “Is this your son? How did he get healed?”
They said “We don’t know!” Ooh yeah!
But they didn’t even listen to the man himself
Because this world demands a sign and when it gets one
It just wants to stick it on a shelf
CHORUS
74
Parody of:
“Pink Houses” by John Cougar Mellencamp
John Mellencamp
Bible References:
John 9
J’s Journal:
I always thought this song didn’t get its due after
its release on Isn’t Wasn’t Ain’t in 1993, but I also
felt it needed some refining. I started tweaking
it in 2000 on a drive to a concert in Cincinnati,
although the revised standard version wouldn’t see
the light of day until 2010. I remember John Cougar
Mellencamp releasing an acoustic version of “Pink
Houses” soon after the electric version was a hit,
so I thought that made “Ain’t That a Miracle” a
worthy addition to our own acoustic-oriented album,
Soundproof. Two years later, when we recorded our
20th anniversary concert for the 20:20 projects, it
was time to make it electric again, since we had a
talented female vocal trio to help us out.
Well, there’s a blind man – just a sad sack
Livin’ in a blindness since birth
He’s gonna demonstrate something to us from God
You know, ‘cause Jesus just brought him the cure
He made some ointment with His spittle
Said “Clean it up” and He went off
And he looked up after he had bathed, shoutin’
“I can see everythin’ real good – because of God”
Ah, but ain’t that a miracle? Yes, indeed
Ain’t that a miracle? Now he can see, baby!
Ain’t that a miracle? Totally free, yeah!
Little things happen when you believe
Oh, yeah, when you believe!
Now when the young man met the teachers
They said “This is an impossible occasion
He’s not the creepy man that was recently blind”
They said, “No, he must be some imitation!”
But he told them, “Yeah, I’m the one, sirs
The same boy who couldn’t see till presently”
But just like everything else those old Pharisees
Just tried to explain it away
CHORUS (Oh, yes, they do for faithful folks like you and me)
Well, yes, Jesus can cure people
Some still say no, no, no
God’ll work into some guy’s life
And they chase you down if you call it a miracle – ooh yeah!
And they witness and excuse it
And say it’s no big deal
But the simple man, baby, knows He still can heal
If it’s God’s will
CHORUS
75
All ApologetiX
Parody of:
“All Apologies” by Nirvana
Kurt Cobain
“Weird Al” should agree; it’s all a parody
Someone else could’ve made – every song we played
What if you don’t like – lines the band rewrites
What else do you need – our apologies?
If our songs get someone to sing along
Is it wrong? Is it wrong? Really? Really?
Writing music that’s new is easier to do
But that’s not the goal – let me save some souls
I change all the names – I can see no shame
Then someone to me will turn
(And say) “Don’t you guys do anything original?”
But if our songs get someone to meet the Son
Is it wrong? Is it wrong?
Dare we? Yeah, we ... really ... feel we ... can
I know it’s all right
Bible References:
1 Corinthians 9:22
J’s Journal:
In Jude 1:3, the writer urges believers “to contend
for the faith that was once for all entrusted to the
saints.” That’s what we try to do with these silly
little parodies. We wanted a theme song for Ticked,
and this is it. We even used a line from this song
when we developed the very first official ApologetiX
t-shirt for our 1996 tour of the Southeast. The front
of the shirt: “Don’t you guys do anything original?”
76
All My Letters
Parody of:
“All My Loving” by The Beatles
Bible References:
2 Peter 3:1-2, 3:15-16
Romans and both Corinthians
Galatians, Ephesians
Phillipians, Colossians, and two
Thessalonians to read
And then both Timothys
And then Titus, Philemon, Hebrews
I will send to all Christians the letters I have written
In hopes that you’ll read them all through
And then while I’m away
You’ll have hope every day
‘Cause I’ve sent all My letters to you
All My letters I will send to you
All My letters – all of them are true
Go from James and both Peters
To John who has three there
Remember the small one from Jude
And then while I’m away
You’ll have hope every day
‘Cause I’ve sent all My letters to you
J’s Journal:
At first, this song might seem like it’s written from
the perspective of the Apostle Paul, since it starts
with his letters, but it’s actually from the Lord’s
perspective. It doesn’t end with the Pauline epistles;
it continues with the epistle to the Hebrews (which
may or may not have been written by Paul), and the
epistles of James, Peter, John, and Jude. It’s a list
of all the New Testament epistles in order, but the
lyrics also seek to point out that those epistles are
love letters from the Lord. In the original song, “All
My Loving,” the singer says that while he’s away,
he’ll write home every day and send all his loving to
his beloved. In our parody, we seek to point out that
while Jesus is away from earth (until His second
coming), He has written these letters to us, His
beloved, the Bride of Christ. This parody was part
of an all-Beatles project we started in late 1995.
The version on Rare Not Well Done was recorded live
at Lazarus’ Tomb in Arnold PA on March 9, 1996,
and originally released on a homemade cassette
called Beatleg (i.e. Beatles bootleg) in late 1996.
77
All the Stalls Stink
Parody of:
“All the Small Things” by Blink 182
Mark Hoppus & Tom DeLonge
Bible References:
Genesis 6-8
J’s Journal:
“All the Stalls Stink” is Noah’s humorous take on
the downside of being cooped up in an ark for a year
with a bunch of smelly animals, although it ends
with the hopeful line, “We should just chill, trust the
Lord still, and life will go on – I know it will.” This
was our most popular concert audience-participation
number ever. At one time, other ideas included “All
the Psalm Things” (about the Psalms) and “All the
Paul Things” (about the Epistles).
All the stalls stink – Two bears, two pigs
I’ll take one whiff – Before I get sick
Wallabies, rhinos – you’ll see on my boat
Watch me straightening – the mess they’re making
Save your raincoat – I will not go
Where’s the Lysol? – carry me the soap
Na-na–na-na-na-Noah-na-na-na
Hey guys – uh oh
There’s a skunk – I know
She left the odor by the stairs
She likes to let me know she’s scared
Here’s a nice thought – Camels need Scope
LEAD
First I’ll wipe off – a pair of hippos
Keep the boat still – I’ve been sorta ill
I might just throw up – in all this swill
Worldwide flood – very big boat
We should just chill – trust the Lord still
And life will go on – and life will go on
I know it will
78
Already Goin’
Parody of:
“Already Gone” by The Eagles
Robert Strandlund & Jack Tempchin
Bible References:
1 Thessalonians 4:13-18, 1 Corinthians 15:51-52
Well, I read First Thessalonians just the other day
Chapter four verse 17 upon your shelf
First Corinthians 15:52, and when you find out it’s true
Then you’ll have to eat your words all by yourself
‘Cause I’m all ready goin’ – and when Jesus comes
I will sing this victory song
Hallelu-jah-hah Hallelu
The letters that Paul wrote me made me stop and want to smile
‘Cause he said we’ll all be changed but some won’t die
Someday soon our Lord will come, maybe just a little while
And we’ll be caught up to meet Jesus in the sky
When He comes a lot of folks may stand around
When He goes a lot of folks may stay behind
What if He decides to come on the day before you choose
You’d better give your heart to Jesus while there’s time
‘Cause I’m all ready goin’ – and when Jesus comes
I will sing this victory song
J’s Journal:
If the eagles can fly, then why can’t you and I?
The answer depends on what you think about the
Rapture, a topic about which theologians have many
varying opinions. Long before “Gimme Pre-Trib,”
even before we were even called ApologetiX, there
was “Already Goin’.” I wrote this in a marathon
all-night writing session while another founding
member of ApologetiX, guitarist Andy Sparks, kept
me company at my old house in Oakmont PA. I can’t
remember what Andy was doing while I was writing,
but I know it was a Saturday night and we stayed up
into Sunday. Of course, Blondie had already scored
a number-one hit with a song called “Rapture”
way back in 1981, but it didn’t discuss all of the
theological details I wanted to cover. We wrote to
Debbie Harry of Blondie to ask whether she was
pre-, mid-, or post-trib Rapture – one way or another
– and all she said was “Call me.” This song was
recorded at a concert at St. Paul’s Lutheran Church
in Gaffney SC on June 2, 1996, the final and bestreceived stop on our first tour. It was released on a
homemade cassette called Dark Side of the Peachoid
in late 1996. An even-more-primitive version was
first released on our first live cassette, Get Your
Wigs, in late June 1992, and on our first studio
cassette, Parable Guy, in October 1992.
79
Although None Could Watch an Hour
Parody of:
“All Along the Watchtower” by The Jimi Hendrix
Experience
Bob Dylan
Bible References:
Mark 14:32-53
J’s Journal:
This song describes the experience of Jesus and
His disciples in Gethsemane. Peter, James, and
John fell asleep in their Master’s hour of need.
Nevertheless, Christ demonstrated His boldest
love, agreeing to face the cross alone. Meanwhile,
Judas and the religious authorities had marshaled
the troops who would take Jesus away. I personally
believe that Christ’s prayers to the Father in that
garden are one of the greatest examples of His
human frailty and His divine love. Even though He’d
prepared for His mission from the beginning, He
dreaded His impending crucifixion and all it entailed.
But He loved His Father and us so much that He
still chose to go through it. ApologetiX recorded a
primitive version of this parody, called “None of Us
Could Watch an Hour,” and released it on our Want
It: Dead or Alive cassette in late 1992. However,
that was a spoof of U2’s version of “All Along the
Watchtower,” rather than Jimi Hendrix’s. When we
revisited that tune in late 2014, I kept the same
theme, but changed the title and overhauled the
lyrics. Tom Milnes, who played guitar on this song,
gave me great grief for putting a Hendrix parody
and a “Magdalena” spoof on the same single. We
released both songs in early-February 2015, giving
our fans a sampling from the Easter Standard Time
CD we’d release the following month.
If there is some kind of way out of this
Said the Savior through the grief
Then use that solution
And take this cup from Me
If this bitter drink of wine
Now can’t be reversed
To Thine omniscient will divine
O, Father, I will defer
Though He had already prayed it
Those things three times He spoke
There were many here among us
Who felt surprised when they awoke
But you know Christ He went through that
And this is what He prayed
Soon dead of night was falling down
The hour He’d get betrayed
Although none could watch an hour
We just slept on through
While all of Him was bathed in sweat
Facing certain doom
Our Lord went the whole distance
And while that went down
Judas he was approaching
And with him an angry crowd
80
Amos
Parody of:
“Layla” by Eric Clapton
Eric Clapton
Bible References:
Amos 7:10-17
What are you doin’ here, you looney?
No-one made you prophesy
You’d better run – you’ll die unless you don’t
You know you’re just some foolish guy
Amos – go back to watchin’ sheep
Amos – stop makin’ prophecies
Amos – are you gonna heed my stern advice?
So why’d you visit a foreign nation
When your own land is just due south?
Goodbye, you fool
Don’t tell us what to do
Or Jeroboam will cut you down
Amos – go back to watchin’ sheep
Amos – and sycamore-fig trees
Amos – are you gonna heed my stern advice?
We’re a successful civilization
And our economy’s goin’ great
So please don’t say
Another word today
About our moral lapse and faith
REPEAT FIRST CHORUS
J’s Journal:
I got the opening lines of both the first verse and the
chorus to this parody way back in 1996 or ‘97. At
the time, I was thinking of the parody in terms of the
original electric version by Derek and the Dominos,
even though Eric Clapton had released a popular
acoustic version in 1992. I knew I wanted our
parody be about the story in Amos 7:10-17 where
Amos, the prophet from the South (Judah) is rebuked
for prophesying against Jereboam II, the king of the
North (Samaria), by Amaziah, the priest of Bethel
(religious center of the North). Think about it: some
untrained “hick” preacher from the South being
scorned by a sophisticated metropolitan leader in the
North who thinks he knows better. Things haven’t
changed that much in 2750 years, have they? Under
the long reign of Jereboam II, the northern kingdom
had experienced great economic prosperity, which
they apparently viewed as God’s stamp of approval.
Amos declared that the opposite was true, and he
warned of impending doom. A few decades later,
Samaria was conquered by the Assyrians, who took
captive and deported much of its population. Just
like in the days of Jereboam II, many people today
think that a leader (and a nation) with an effective
economic strategy is more important than a leader
(and a nation) that fears the Lord. As the famous
saying goes, “Those who cannot remember the
past are condemned to repeat it.” 81
Animals I Have Begun
Parody of:
“Animal I Have Become” by Three Days Grace
Neil Sanderson, Adam Gontier, Brad Walst, Gavin
Brown & Barry Stock
Bible References:
Genesis 2:18-25
J’s Journal:
Despite the current wave of popular feeling that
hates everything about the concept of Creation, the
Bible clearly teaches that Adam was a real person.
Although this song isn’t exactly a laugh riot, it
definitely has its lighter side, dealing with Adam’s
desire for a suitable helpmate to share his home and
help him take care of the garden and the animals
he had become master of. Adam knew the pain
of being on his own, and he learned that paradise
can seem overrated if you don’t have somebody to
share it with. Of course, as Adam was about to find
out, a suitable helpmate isn’t necessarily somebody
just like you. Some people miss the fact that this
song is done tongue-in-cheek; it’s meant to also be
a commentary on our selfishness as human beings.
Note that at the beginning of the song, Adam is
lonely and just wants somebody friendly; but as the
song progresses, he adds that he’d like somebody
pretty with nice hair, and later that he’d like her
to be petite and somebody who agrees with him,
and then still later somebody shapely, and finally
somebody who can clean for him. I also like the
foreshadowing when he mentions that they’ll grab
a bite to eat beneath the trees, which is reminiscent
of the ending to Bob Dylan’s deceptively simple song
“Man Gave Names to All the Animals.” It was cool to
finally do a song by Three Days Grace, so we could
say we do parodies of everything from Three Dog
Night to Three Doors Down to Three Days Grace.
I can’t explain this well
So many kinds of life
But I still can’t yet find
Somebody friendly who is like me
I can’t console myself
So, Lord, if you concede a partner’s right for me
Someone to help me name these animals I have begun
Help me, please – don’t want no chimpanzees
Someone to help me name these animals
I can’t just date myself
So let me find a bride
But not the dangerous type
Somebody pretty who has nice hair
I can’t just hold myself
She’ll be petite and someone real sweet
We’ll be a team ‘cause she’ll agree with me
Someone to help me through this life here
I can’t just clone myself
Somebody shapely on my side, yeah
To share this space I dwell
I’ll be complete – and she can clean for me
Beneath the trees, we’ll grab a bite to eat
These animals I have begun
82
Parody of:
“Another One Bites the Dust” by Queen
John Deacon
Bible References:
Romans 5:6-8
J’s Journal:
This song is about substitutionary atonement -how God sent Jesus to die in our place. Our time
on earth can be over in a flash, and there’s no way
to keep yourself alive. As Romans 5:7-8 shows,
it would be difficult enough to find somebody to
love us enough that they’d be willing to die in our
place if we were actually righteous. But the miracle
is that “God demonstrates his own love for us in
this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for
us.” If you’re a person who wants to live forever,
and you want to break free from your sins, come
humbly to Christ with a repentant heart, saying
“Save me.” You’ll get more than forgiveness; you’ll
get the royal treatment from the King of Kings. I
wrote this song so long ago that it was originally
considered for Jesus Christ Morningstar in 1998!
We didn’t get around to recording it till 2014, so it
wound up on Unconditional Releases in December
2014. If we’d just waited a little longer, it might
have made a great addition to Easter Standard
Time, which was released in March 2015. Former
ApologetiX drummer Bill “Moose” Rieger was a
huge Queen fan, so I asked him to do guitars on this,
with his son, Jake, playing the bass. But the unsung
hero of this track was Jimmy “Vegas” Tanner; not
only did he play the drums and engineer the song (as
usual), but he provided all those crazy sound effects.
Ooh … let’s go!
We’ve got a story from Galilee
With a twist you may not know
Ain’t no doubt that it sounds like a dream
But we know that it was so
Not a legend, hey, not a radical myth
Not a hand-me-down religious belief
I’ve got a story if you’ll just listen
I won’t have to repeat, yeah!
Another one died for us
There was none to get it done
So the Father sent his Son
Another died for us! Hey!
Hey, you’re gonna get the truth
There was a king, you know, He came along
2,000 years ago
He gave up everything that He had
And left His heavenly throne
They were happy – when He finally died
They thought He was clearly beat
Now, it’s the third day, the King is risen
And we’re out on the street
Look out!
Hey, all you destitute
Hey!
Oh, preach it!
Dyin’ for us!
I was adopted!
Hey!
Another one died for us – Ow!
Another one died for us – Hey, hey)
Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay
83
Another One Died for Us (cont.)
Ooh no doubt
Parody of:
“Another One Bites the Dust” by Queen
John Deacon
Bible References:
Romans 5:6-8
Gimme three days, and I’ll return again
The king said to the crowd
I’ll be beaten and mistreated but I’m cheatin’ death
I’ll be back safe and sound, yeah
Well, Christ said it – and it really came true
I’m standin’ on my own belief
Out of the Lord’s way! The King is risen!
We need to get it out on the street – ohhh yeah!
Another died for us! Yeah!
Hey, gonna get the truth
No doubt!
Ay, hey, hey
Allllright!
J’s Journal:
(see previous page)
84
Anteater
You know that poor Adam tried – he named a hundred types
Nothing he viewed he’d seen or heard before
Watching and waiting – like a kid in a zoo
Of surprises from the Lord
Parody of:
“Maneater” by Hall & Oates
Some animals came, you see
Ducks and pigs and geckos and fleas
The wolf and the cow, the sheep and elephant, the worm and jaguar
Monkeys and rabbits
But he didn’t know what to make of what next he saw
Daryl Hall, John Oates, & Sara Allen
Oh, here she comes – What’s that, boy? Go cue it up
Oh, here she comes – She’s an anteater
Oh, here she comes – What’s that, boy? Go cue it up
Oh, here she comes – She’s an anteater
Bible References:
Genesis 2:19-20
She wouldn’t devour you – or those who eat ants, too
But she’s death to ants – and she could really rip their world apart
Find her an anthill – ooh, her food is in there
And the feast begins to start
REPEAT FIRST CHORUS
J’s Journal:
Use your imagination and think how it must have
been back when Adam interacted with God one on
one, before becoming a family man. It’s a laugh to
ponder Adam’s reaction when seeing certain animals
for the first time. Despite the creature comforts,
God decided Adam had been alone too long, and it
was time to form a duo with Eve. If you didn’t get
any of the Hall & Oates references in the preceding
passage, you’re out of touch or I’m out of time (still
living in the 70’s and 80’s). I keep a list of silly
parody titles that wouldn’t work for ApologetiX,
and “Anteater” USED to be on it. Then, in 2015,
I realized there could be an interesting biblical
application – the idea of Adam naming all those
crazy critters he’d never seen before. I thought that
could be a funny song for adults and a fun song
for children. When I was a kid, anteaters were my
favorite animal. I used to have a toy Noah’s Ark
and loved the little anteaters that came with that,
too. My favorite segments on the old Pink Panther
show were the ones with the Ant and the Aardvark,
because aardvarks were a bit like anteaters,
although they’re actually different species. Special
thanks to APX superfan Jeanne Marcello, who
drove 90 miles to the Detroit Zoo to take the
photos of anteaters we used on the single cover
and in the CD booklet for You Can’t Say Euphrates
Without the 80’s. Kudos to Todd and Hubie, who
shared keyboard duties on this song.
Oh, here she comes (Here she comes)
What’s that, boy? Go cue it up
Oh, (here she comes) (What’s that?)
She’s an anteater
Oh, (here she comes) (She’s an anteater)
Ooh ooh, so true you are
Oh, here she comes
Here she comes – she’s an anteater
Oh, here she comes (What’s that?)
I know they’ll pronounce it right – ooh ooh
Oh, here she comes
Here she comes – she’s an anteater – oh oh
Oh, here she comes (She’s an anteater)
Just look at the snout – whooo!
Oh, here she comes
Here she comes
What’s that boy? What’s that boy?
Oh, here she comes
Ohhh, what’s that? What’s that? What’s that? What’s that?
Oh, here she comes Yeah heh (What’s that?)
An Anteater
Oh, here she comes (She’s an anteater)
What should we name it? Woo ohh
Oh, here she comes
Ohhh, she’s an anteater!
85
Apostle Me
Parody of:
“Rock ‘n Me” by Steve Miller
Steve Miller
Bible References:
1 Corinthians 9:1, 9:5-6; Luke 6:13-16; Acts 1:26;
Matthew 10:1-4
Well, if you’re lookin’ real hard and you’re tryin’ to find the apostles
But it just keeps gettin’ tougher on your brain
Then I’ve got to do my part ‘cause I know ‘em by heart
I’ve got an easy way to say their names
Well, their names ain’t fictitious so now don’t get suspicious
Cause I know them and they’re friends of mine
And I know that it’s true that I can sing them for you
They’ll come back to me if I make ‘em rhyme
So keep apostl’y namin’ Keep on apostl’y namin’
Keep on apost’ly namin’ Keep on apostl’y namin’
Simon called Peter, James & John & Andrew, Levi, nicknamed Matthew
Philip, Doubting Thomas and James the Less
Simon called the Zealot, and Nathanael
Who’s called Bartholomew, then Jude-Thaddaeus
Keep on apostl’y namin ...
Judas is missin’ – he lost his position but you know there were two men in line
And you know they did choose Matthias to fill his shoes
And Paul would come and join them in his sweet time
Simon called Peter, James & John & Andrew, Levi nicknamed Matthew
Philip, Doubting Thomas and James the Less
Simon called the Zealot, and Nathaniel
Who’s called Bartholomew, then Jude-Thaddaeus CHORUS
J’s Journal:
The original title of this parody was “Apostl’y
Namin’,” and it appeared on our first cassette, Get
Your Wigs, recorded live at the Paradise Club in
June 1992. This was one of the earlier parodies I
remember writing, sometime in 1991. I always loved
how some people could name all of the Apostles,
so I wanted to teach them to myself. Of course, I
wanted to make sure I got both names if an Apostle
had two, like Simon-Peter and Jude-Thaddeus. Our
original parody version also included other people
mentioned as apostles in the Bible, for a total of 17
people and including people like Barnabas and Jesus’
brother James. But I decided to rewrite the parody
with tighter lyrics and to focus on the original 12
plus Matthias (the first replacement) and Paul (the
famous latter Apostle) to avoid confusion. Regarding
the original song by Steve Miller, in our 2002 concert
schedule we really did go from Phoenix AZ all the
way to Tacoma (WA), Philadelphia, Atlanta, L.A.,
and Northern California ... plus Hawaii!
86
Aquila
Parody of:
“Aqualung” by Jethro Tull
Ian Anderson & Jennie Anderson
Bible References:
Acts 18:1-4, 18:24-28; 1 Corinthians 16:19;
Romans 16:3-4; 2 Timothy 4:19
J’s Journal:
I got the idea for this one in the mid-90’s while
watching A.D., the sequel to my all-time favorite
movie, Jesus of Nazareth. Recounting the stories
from the Book of the Acts of the Apostles, A.D.
includes a part (Acts 18:23) where Paul’s friend
Aquila introduces himself. I’d always heard his
name pronounced “uh-KWIL-uh,” but the guy in the
movie said “ACK-wuh-luh.” Well, as soon as I heard
that, a lightbulb went on and those opening notes
of “Aqualung” blasted out in my head. The rest of
the parody followed in short order. I got the line “up
against the pagan pantheon” while I was still semigroggy in the midst of waking up one morning. It
just seemingly came from out of nowhere with no
effort, one of the most dramatic examples of God’s
inspiration that I’ve ever felt while writing lyrics.
Although this song is about Aquila and his wife,
Priscilla, it can apply to anybody in a missionary
situation. Of course, a spoof of “Aqualung” was
not an obvious choice for the acoustic-flavored
Soundproof, and it actually wasn’t on the list of
songs we’d originally planned for the project. But I
remembered how much I liked the lyrics, and I thought
how ironic it would be to have that classic hard-rock
opening riff played on an acoustic guitar. The rest of
the song lent itself itself well to the acoustic sound,
too, and it wound up becoming one of our most
popular live numbers – so popular, in fact, that we
included an electric version on our 20:20 projects.
Renting an apartment
Riding round the world and making tents
Claudius ran him out Rome
He’s the king who said they had to go
Hey, Aquila
Trying to preach God’s Son
Up against the pagan pantheon
Hey, Aquila
With his wife Priscilla
Preaching ‘bout Jesus and His hope and love
Oh, Aquila
Once he left Rome
We all met up in Corinth
Makin’ tents, you know the way we sew
They’ve heard the facts
As the friends of this apostle
Goin’ down to the hall to watch me preach
BREAK
Leavin’ your home
Discardin’ all your goods
Salvation on the road is enough for me
Aquila, my friend, though it’s not a way that’s easy
The Lord our God will see to all your needs
Do you still remember – we met in Acts 18?
Preaching Christ for nearly two long years
To Corinthians that believed
Hey! And you passed the test there in Ephesus
When even I’d left town
And Apollos you guys planted in the faith
REPEAT CHORUS
De de de de –
Aquila, my friend, though it’s not a way that’s easy
The Lord our God will see to all your needs
Whoa! Aquila!
*Note: Pronounce it “AK-wuh-luh” when singing this song. That’s
how they pronounced it in the movie “A.D.” and is one of two ways
of pronouncing it, although most preachers seem to pronounce it
“uh-KWIL-uh.”
87
Are You Gonna Be Ike’s Girl
Parody of:
“Are You Gonna Be My Girl” by Jet
Nicholas Cester & Cameron Muncey
Bible References:
Genesis 24:1-61
J’s Journal:
Abraham’s servant seeks a wife for Isaac and finds
Rebekah. I remember writing the first part of this while
watching my two youngest (at the time) daughters
and waiting for my wife and oldest daughter at the
hair salon in Ross Park Mall in Pittsburgh, PA. Since
we’d already done the stories of Jacob and Esau’s
wives on Adam Up, I thought it would be cool to
go back a step and sing about Isaac and Rebekah.
Go! It’s a-1-2-3
Abraham said, “Come with me
Because it looks like time
For my little son to take a wife”
He said, “Go look and find him
A pretty one to make his wife
Now for Isaac
C’mon and get there quick
Now he don’t need nobody here
Go look back where I wooed his mommy
Be back soon, long way there,
Please go sweep in and get that girl!”
Well, I can’t be Chuck Woolery
The Bachelorette’s in another land, yeah!
I’m no Gene Rayburn; I should pray Before Isaac’s Elimidate, yeah!
I said, “Lord, who’s gonna be Ike’s girl?”
Well, I went toute de suite
Then my camels stopped to drink
Here comes a girl so fine and she gives ‘em water, ain’t she nice
I said, she took some time and she did just what I prayed she might
In 24 Genesis, I pondered this a bit
I put a nose ring upon her
And some bracelets and … Boo-yah!
I think that’s who
The Lord brought here
We shall see what Rebekah says:
“Now I can lead you home with me. Bethuel is my father’s name, yeah!
I know he may have much to say before I play your Dating Game!”
I said, “Are you gonna be Ike’s girl?”
Now I don’t need Eharmony; Bethuel gave his daughter’s hand, yeah!
Ike loves Rebekah – what a babe – He’s 40 years old anyway, yeah!
But she’s Ike’s girl, she’s Ike’s girl
R-E-Bekah she’s Ike’s girl, yeah!
88
Armageddon Valley Someday
Parody of:
“Pleasant Valley Sunday” by The Monkees
Carole King & Gerry Goffin
Bible References:
Revelation 16:16, 17:13-14, 19:11-21, 20:7-10;
Ezekiel 38-39
The global clock moves down to zero
While the armies march along
They surround Israel’s weakened sides
They’re just about to throw their bombs
In Armageddon Valley someday (someday)
Christ returnin’ in the air
Rows of thousands that have called His name
And no-one seems too scared
Jesus displays His power today
He’s got His soldiers on platoon
They met the Beast who can’t believe
He got defeated there so soon
In Armageddon Valley someday (someday)
Fiercest battle in the land
Bible explains about a war like this
But the simple don’t understand
The future comforts those
Who know He won their souls
They’re lookin’ forward to this scene
Armageddon day
It ain’t so far away
You need to change your loyalty
J’s Journal:
This parody is based on passages from Revelation
16-20, and it tells the story of the great battle of
Armageddon. You know, for all the fuss people
make about Armageddon and Antichrist, the battle
doesn’t last long, and neither does the Beast.
One Jesus shows up, it’s all over.
89
The Atheists
Parody of:
“The Way It Is” by Bruce Hornsby & the Range
Bruce Hornsby
Bible References:
Psalms 14:1-7, 42:3, 42:10, 53:1-6;
Romans 1:18-32
J’s Journal:
I believe (pun intended) I got the words to this one
in April 2011 on our trip to Salt Lake City. It came
together very quickly. I like the way “the atheists”
rhymes with “the way it is,” and I also like the way
it tells the listener not to believe in the atheists,
people who are famous for not believing. The first
verse compares today’s atheists mocking Christ to
the people who mocked Him the day He died. This is
the third in a suite of four songs at the end of Wise
Up and Rock that deal with witnessing for Christ in
the midst of opposition from skeptics and atheists.
The previous song, “Dude (Would Like to Save
Me),” shows that some people eventually see the
light of the Gospel, but this song shows that “some
people never change.” I knew that the original
song’s writer/performer, Bruce Hornsby, was also
the writer of “Jacob’s Ladder,” a number-one hit
for Huey Lewis and the News in 1987. Wikipedia
refers to that song as one that “marries the Biblical
image of Jacob’s Ladder to someone who rejects
proselytizing evangelists.” I thought it was poetic
justice to have our parody of be about someone
who rejects proselytizing atheists.
Stranded in lies, mocking Christ
They ignore the telltale signs
Say they can’t find a God
A man with the real truth hurt their pride
So they dragged Him to court on the day He died
They made fun and said, “Where’s your God?”
That’s just the Atheists
Some things will never change
Ah, but don’t you believe them
Said, hey, little boy, you can’t go tell another soul
‘Cause your old book’s not approved
Said, hey, old man, how you can you stand to chain my faith
Did you really feel so challenged, because I prayed in school?
Well, they pass their laws and fix the courts
To help those who hate God a little more
And I know they’ve gone too far
But a law don’t change the Word of God
You can punish me with a firing squad, with the lions or another cross
90
Baa! We’re Lambs
Parody of:
“Barbara Ann” by The Beach Boys
Fred Fassert
Bible References:
Psalm 23; John 10:1-30; Matthew 25:31-46;
Hebrews 13:20; 1 Peter 2:25, 5:4; Luke 10:3
Baa Baa Baa Baa Baa we’re lambs
Baa Baa Baa Baa Baa Baa
I’m a lamb – in God’s hand – I’m a lamb
He’s got a flock of lambs who know Him
Robbers cannot steal ‘em from His hand
Baa Baa Baa Baa we’re lambs
Went through the fence, lookin’ for some friends
God saw me scram so He brought me back again
Cause I’m a lamb in God’s hand
You got to follow where He’s goin’
God’ll take you in the Promised Land
CHORUS
Tried many moves – Tried getting loose
Tried petting zoos but I knew they wouldn’t do
Cause I’m a lamb in God’s hand
You got to follow where He’s goin’
God’ll take you in the Promised Land
Baa Baa Baa Baa we’re lambs
CHORUS
Baa! We’re lambs, Baa! We’re lambs, Baa! We’re lambs ...
J’s Journal:
Everybody out there knows the famous opening line
of the 23rd Psalm: “The Lord is my shepherd; I shall
not want.” Speaking as a person who has owned
both sheep and goats (check out the photo on the
inside of the Jesus Christ Morningstar CD booklet),
it’s not as easy to keep sheep in line as you might
think. (Goats, much to my surprise, were a cinch.)
I remember chasing my first sheep, Sparky, for a
long time all over the place many times to try and
get him where he needed to be. But that’s nothing
compared to how hard and how often God has had
to chase me to get me where I needed to be. This
song is one of our silliest endeavors, but it’s also
one of our most-beloved parodies. I knew it would
be popular with kids when I wrote it back in the
mid-1990’s, but I figured it would take a few years
to convince the guys in the band that we should
do it. We deliberately put it last on Grace Period
so people would know that we realized how silly it
was. When I was listening to the playback of Grace
Period for the first time, I had forgotten about this
song, so when it came on last, it really cracked
me up. I couldn’t believe how nicely it turned out.
A couple other independent Christian groups I
know of have covered this song. That was a real
kick, and they’ve both done great jobs. The first
parody I ever heard of this song was on Welcome
Back, Kotter. Remember that one?
91
Babylona
Parody of:
“My Sharona” by The Knack
Doug Fieger & Berton Averre
Bible References:
Daniel 3
J’s Journal:
Ever wonder what would happen if old King
Nebuchadnezzar sang lead for an L.A.-based late70’s pop quartet? Maybe he’d get Shadrach,
Meschach, and Abednego to fill out the band. Well,
the king himself sings lead on this tune about his
most famous experience with the boys. The original
version of this song launched the careers of both
the Knack and “Weird Al” Yankovic, who scored
his first big parody hit by spoofing this tune. Who’d
have thought that Weird Al would be the one with
considerably more staying power?
Ooh my little city was pretty tough
When it was the kingdom called Babylona
Ooh, I made a golden god – and told the mob
Got to come and bow before my persona
Everybody dropped, givin’ up
Such a pretty sight, they all were givin’ up
All the town, ‘cept three Israelites
Why, why, why, why, why?! Whoa!
Ba-ba-ba-babylona
Called the little jokers up – said “Bring ‘em up
Close enough to look in my fire’s aroma!
Hebrew children, listen to me, you’re dissin’ me
Come and bow or simmer like Rice-a-rona!”
“Never gonna drop,” they said “We’re not
“Such important guys, but God will get us out!”
Told the guards, “Throw them in the fire!”
Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye! Whoa!
Ba-ba-ba-babylona
Ba-ba-ba-babylona
Said to throw them into the rotisserie
Sizzlin’ like a platter of fried bologna
“Kids you’re just a recipe, so rest in peace!”
But they didn’t burst in flames and die – why? Don’t knowa
Never would have thought they’d live at all
Such a burnin’ fire – I saw them with their God
Called them out – Now they’re friends of mine
My, my, my, my, my! Whoa!
92
Back in a Hurry
Parody of:
“Backwater” by The Meat Puppets
Curt Kirkwood
Bible References:
2 Peter 3:3-9, Nahum 1:1-3
When will you wake up to the warning
‘Cause Jesus may come back today
Like the flood of Noah, His appearing
Will surprise the world and happen suddenly
Some think He never came
And they say He won’t come back here
But He’s going to just the same
The date’s been prearranged
He’ll be back in a hurry
So if you don’t believe you’d better change
And when they say He’s been gone a long time
They laugh and say He’s kinda late
Just when they say there’s peace and safety
Destruction comes on them suddenly
CHORUS
Yeah, they’re blind to the signs
Now’s the time for you to decide
You’d better wake up to the warning
‘Cause Jesus may be on His way
Though we might not know the day or evening
We’re still one day closer now than yesterday
CHORUS
J’s Journal:
The group we spoofed here, the Meat Puppets, had
their brief moment in the sun when Kurt Cobain
incorporated them and a few of their songs into
Nirvana’s “Unplugged” performance on MTV in
late 1993. The following year, the Meat Puppets
song “Backwater” reached number two on the
Billboard album-rock charts. Although that is by
far the highest-charting Meat Puppets song, their
most famous composition is probably “Lake of Fire”
(as performed by Nirvana on the aforementioned
MTV special), a sarcastic look at the final fate of
the wicked. In response to that attitude, our parody
talks about Peter’s prophecy (in the third chapter of
his second epistle) that in the last days people would
mock the idea of Christ’s return, since it seems to be
taking so long. Peter went on to say that the reason
for the delay was God’s mercy and His desire for as
many people to be saved as possible. But someday
Christ will return. As the lyrics to this parody state:
“Though we might not know the day or evening,
we’re still one day closer now than yesterday.” This
song was recorded live in Weston WV on October 6,
1995 – Keith Haynie’s first official concert as bass
player for ApologetiX. It was originally released on a
homemade cassette called Live ‘95.
93
Back in the New Testament
Parody of:
“Back in the U.S.S.R.” by The Beatles
Bible References:
Matthew 5:17, Galatians 3:24-25, 2 Timothy 3:16
J’s Journal:
This song discusses something that anybody
who’s ever read the Bible straight through has
experienced – the thrill you feel when you finish the
Old Testament and finally get back to the New. Of
course, as this song points out, the New Testament
is where all the prophecies of the Old Testament
come together in Christ, who came not to abolish
the law but to fulfill it. Paul adds some great points
about that in Galatians 3:24-25. And Jesus himself
says in John 5:46, “For had ye believed Moses,
ye would have believed me: for he wrote of me.”
This was one of three songs from Wordplay that
we preadded to our set list in the spring of 2006,
but it was actually written back in late 1995, about
the time the Beatles Anthology television special
and CD came out. We originally performed it in
concert at Lazarus’ Tomb coffeehouse in early 1996
as part of an all-Beatles concert.
Ooh I finally finished readin’ the O-L-D
Hebrew Testament last night
All the way I prayed that God would have mercy
Man, I’m glad that we’ve got Christ
I’m back in the New Testament
You don’t know what you got till it’s gone, boy
Genesis was long – I hardly noticed it
Gee, it didn’t seem that long
Three weeks later on I’m stuck in Exodus
Wonderin’ what the heck went wrong
With Matthew, Mark, Luke and then John, boy
Acts of the Apostles, next the Epistles
Last the Apocalypse of John
Well, the Jewish laws came from God’s own mouth
Please don’t get me wrong
But God’s own Son came to live ‘em out
He told us that in Ma-ma-matthew 5 verse 17 all along
We’re only half done with this song, boy
Well, you can’t have Jesus Christ without
The Old Testament
The Law was given to point sin out
And lead us all to Christ – Galatians 3:24-25, my oh my
Moses’ laws, the Psalms and Prophets they all count
Take them as your Daddy’s word
Genesis through Malachi – I read them all
But admit that I prefer
To be back in the New Testament
You don’t know what you got till it’s gone, boy
94
Back Intact
Parody of:
“Back in Black” by AC/DC
Brian Johnson, Angus Young & Malcolm Young
Bible References:
Luke 12:50, 24:37-43; John 20:27; Psalm 34:20;
Mark 10:38
Back intact, yes, it’s a fact
And not a bone was fractured or cracked
Yes, sir, spread the news, it’s Gospel truth
Nail-scarred feet, hands are the proof
And a spear went in My side, come and check with your eyes
I kept the scars, now I’ll never die, I got Son-rised, baptized
Keepin’ every bone like David prophesied
‘Cause I’m back, yes, I’m back, well, I’m back, yes, I’m back
Well, I’m ba-a-a-ack, ba-a-a-ack
Well, I’m back intact, yes, I’m back intact
Oh, back as a man, I’m alive again
Not a ghost, I can prove I’m not a charlatan
Yes, I’m in the flesh, here’s a test
You guys can watch Me eat a couple of fish
‘Cause I’m back off the rack, where I was beaten and smacked
Nobody’s gonna get me now I’m over that
Take a look at the Psalms; they predicted my fate
Psalm 34, verse 20, said I’ll never break
‘Cause I’m back, yes, I’m back, well, I’m back, yes, I’m back
Well, I’m ba-a-a-ack, ba-a-a-ack
Well, I’m back intact, yes, I’m back intact
Out of the black!
J’s Journal:
This parody is a look at how Jesus fulfilled the
prophecy of Psalm 34:20. I hesitated to write the
lyrics from Christ’s perspective, because I don’t
like to put words into His mouth. But these words
are basically paraphrases of what He told the
disciples after rising from the dead. In the original
song, AC/DC’s new lead singer, Brian Johnson, tried
to make it sound like the band’s old lead singer,
Bon Scott, who died after the previous album,
was back from the grave and singing in the first
person. Johnson sounded a lot like Scott; it was
like an unholy resurrection, albeit a false one. But
Christ’s resurrection was real, and He came back
intact – without any bones broken, as Psalm 34:20
prophesied – and it was in His original (albeit now
glorified) fleshly body with the scars to prove it! We
thought to have Christ singing it from the first person
made a powerful statement and was a startling
contrast to the original. Then there was the problem
of singing like Brian Johnson of AC/DC, which is hard
enough to do, but we didn’t know if people would
have problems with Jesus singing in a voice like
that. But his voice is described as being loud like a
trumpet in Revelation 1:10 and as the sound of many
waters in 1:15. Also, 2 Samuel 22:14 describes
God’s voice like thunder. Furthermore, God speaks
to people in whatever language they understand,
no matter how strange or even rough that language
may sound to a person who doesn’t speak it.
95
Bad Case of Leprosy
Whoa!
I’m not Israelite – still I confess
I gotta find their waiting list
I need to – smooth my skin
Return my youth back again
Parody of:
“Bad Case of Loving You (Doctor, Doctor)” by
Robert Palmer
Moon Martin
Bible References:
2 Kings 5:1-19
J’s Journal:
Cosmetic surgery is extremely popular these days.
Some like it so much they get addicted, using it to fix
every kind of perceived imperfection. But this song
is about a man with more than a superficial desire
to improve his appearance – a leper. We discussed
leprosy already in “Boulevard of Both Extremes” in
2006, but simply couldn’t resist doing it again. That
was a New Testament story, however, and God
also displayed His mercy to lepers and foreigners in
the Old Testament when Naaman the Aramean was
healed through the ministry of the prophet Elisha in
2 Kings 5. This is his amazing story. We didn’t mean
to turn into a band that did multiple songs about
such a horrible disease, but once we got the idea for
this one in 2014, I knew we had to get it on a CD.
Talk to the prophet – listen to me
I got a bad case of leprosy
No baal’s gonna cure what ails me
Got a bad case of leprosy
(Hey)
I’m pretty brave – but I’m a bit alarmed
That’s no rash comin’ down my arms
I lead my troops – they’re militant guys
But I’ve modified Naaman’s battle cry
Talk to the prophet – listen to me
I got a bad case of leprosy
No baal’s gonna cure what ails me
Got a bad case of leprosy
Whoa!
LEAD
You know Elisha
Elisha knows God
So, tell that prophet
I’ll do what he wants
He sent me down into the muddy river
It sounded foolish – I’ll admit
To take a dip – did not sound good
But God worked fast – after I did do it
Talked to the prophet – in Second Kings
About a bad case of leprosy
No frills but he cured my ills through God and
Backspaced my leprosy
96
Bad Dad
Parody of:
“Bad Day” by Daniel Powter
Daniel Powter
Bible References:
2 Kings 16:1-4, 18:1-6, 21:19-24, 22:1-2, 23:25;
2 Chronicles 28:1-4, 29:1-2, 31:20-21, 33:21-25,
34:1-2, 34:33; Ezekiel 18:14-23; Deuteronomy 24:16;
1 Chronicles 9:19; Numbers 26:9-11; Psalms 27:10
J’s Journal:
My dad never hesitated to tell me – and show
me – that he loved me. Unfortunately, there are
many people today with fathers who were abusive,
absentee, alcoholic, apathetic, or amoral. It’s no
wonder they have a hard time believing in a loving
Heavenly Father. “How do I know He’s not going to
lie to me like my earthly father did,” they wonder.
“God may have been the one to give me life, but
can He be the one to give me love?” A lot of kids
figure they’re doomed to follow in their father’s
footsteps, but how do they break free from that
loop? Psalm 27:10 says, “Though my father and
mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me.”
Even if you’ve been feeling that your earthly father
doesn’t love you lately, your Heavenly Father does.
In Ezekiel 18, God talks about sons who see their
fathers sinning but don’t follow that path: “The
son will not bear the punishment for the father’s
iniquity.” Two great examples are found in the book
of 2 Kings. King Ahaz and King Amon were the two
most wicked kings of Judah, even sacrificing some
of their children to idols (Yes, King Manasseh had
been just as wicked, but he repented); but their
sons, King Hezekiah and King Josiah, turned out to
be the most righteous. I got the idea for this song
while I was driving back from making a mortgage
deposit at a bank office on McKnight Road in
Pittsburgh. I also remember working on it on the
way back from a funeral I attended.
Where was your father when you need him most?
He picks up and leaves and there’s bad things he does
You tell me your bloodline’s made that way
You tell me your dad has gone astray
And you don’t feel like carryin’ on
You’re stranded in life ‘cause of him and you know
You figure that now there’s a curse on your soul
You tell me you’d like me to change your mind
Read all of Ezekiel 18 and find
The child don’t need to bear the brunt
‘Cause you had a bad dad – so, baby, what now?
Who said your dad’s son just can’t turn it around?
In case you don’t know – I’ll show you a couple guys
The worst in the Bible – but the kids were alright
You had a bad break – your family’s gone awry
But calm it back down, baby, really, don’t cry
You have a better fate – You gotta have faith
Well, you need to cruise by Psalms today
The 27th chapter – what’s it say
When dad don’t seem to care at all?
Who said your dad’s son just can’t turn it around?
In ages long ago – King Ahaz was a guy
Who’s worthless and vile – but he had Hezekiah
And after that day, King Amon arrived
He brought a black cloud but his kid was Josiah
Who brought a better day (oh, follow me)
Second Kings 16 through 23 shows you how things can turn around
King Ahaz and Amon were bad to the bone
But they had the most righteous sons to be on the throne
Yeah
So where was your daddy when you needed him most?
Oh, you know what?
You need to believe in a Dad you can trust
Who said your dad’s son can’t just turn it around?
In Second Chronicles 28 through 35
Ahaz was reviled but they loved Hezekiah
And how about Amon – he was despised
But, how they revered his son Josiah
He had a better fate – you gotta have faith
You gotta have faith
97
Bad Dude Risin’
Parody of:
“Bad Moon Risin’ ” by Creedence Clearwater
Revival
John Fogerty
Bible References:
2 Thessalonians 2:1-12
I see a bad dude arisin’
I see the devil on the way
I see a perfect disguise and
I see the world led astray
Don’t fall for the lies
‘Cause he’s just a fake, not Christ
There’s a bad dude on the rise
I read in Second Thessalonians;
I know the man is comin’ soon
He’ll set himself upon the throne
And he’ll get the world to play his tune
Don’t get all surprised
‘Cause he comes before the Christ
First the bad dude must arise
He’ll bring the countries all together
They’ll see his miracles and signs
They’ll think this world is gettin’ better
They’ll find he’s really anti-Christ
J’s Journal:
We’ve done other songs about the Antichrist, but the
main point of this song was from 2 Thessalonians,
in which Paul says that Christ won’t come back
until the Antichrist comes, so don’t believe anybody
who tells you Christ has already come. CCR never
had a #1 hit, but they had five songs that stalled
at #2, including three of them in 1969 (“Proud
Mary,” “Bad Moon Rising,” and “Green River”),
which was the same year that another group
that never hit #1, Blood Sweat & Tears, also had
three #2 hits (“You’ve Made Me So Very Happy,”
“Spinnin’ Wheel,” and “And When I Die.”)
98
Ballad of Jesus and Yahweh
Parody of:
“Ballad of John & Yoko” by The Beatles
Bible References:
John 1:1, 1:14, 8:24, 14:6; Isaiah 43-44; Titus
2:13; 1 Timothy 3:16; 2 Peter 1:1; Hebrews 1:8;
1 John 5:6-8, 5:20; Romans 9:5; Acts 20:28
J’s Journal:
Two of the basic tenets of the Christian faith are
the Trinity and the deity of Jesus Christ. The early
Christian church didn’t come up with those beliefs
first and then try to find scriptures to support them
later. Rather, they found so many scriptures (in
both the Old and New Testament) that pointed to
Christ’s deity and to the fact that there was one
God in three persons – the Father, Son and the Holy
Spirit – that they came up with the doctrine of the
Trinity as a way of describing what the Bible plainly
showed was true. Unfortunately, the Watchtower
Bible & Tract Society has done its best to change as
many of those verses as possible in its New World
Translation, and consequently, millions of Jehovah’s
Witnesses and their potential converts are misled to
believe that the Trinity is a pagan, unbiblical concept.
They teach that Jesus is a mighty “god,” a spirit
creature who was formerly Michael the Archangel,
but not almighty God. We wrote the song “The
Ballad of Jesus and Yahweh” in late 1995 to point
out a number of scripture verses (although there
are plenty of others) that demonstrate the deity of
Jesus Christ, so our listeners would have an easy
reference tool the next time they talked to somebody
about the deity of Christ. Of course, like I said, the
Watchtower tries to twist those verses in their New
World Translation, so learning the words to our little
parody certainly isn’t a “cure all.”
Standin’ there, they knock at your doorstep
Tryin’ to make you part of their plan
They hand you a tract, say they wanna come back
You know, they said that Jesus just was a man
Christ is more than a teacher
I know He’s God – can’t you see
The way that I know is:
There’s lots of proof when I read
Titus 2:13 says that Jesus
Is our God and savior so great
Peter and Paul say the same thing by the way
You can check Second Peter 1:1 today
CHORUS
From there it’s to the letter to Hebrews
Talkin’ how God’s Son is unique
In Hebrews 1 verse 8 the Father truly does say
He says His only Son is God, yes indeed
CHORUS
Isaiah chapter 43, Jehovah says,
There isn’t a God or savior except for me
That’s why the Christ said, obey or you’re dead
You must believe I am to save your souls ... Think!
Maybe I should check the beginning
Reading John 1:1 for a snag
“And the Word was God.” It’s just as I thought
It’s lookin’ like it’s truly a fact
CHORUS
Lots of other things you can show them
If they stage a counterattack
Remember to pray, then you really can say
“I’d like to have the both of you back!”
CHORUS
99
Barroom Hitz
Parody of:
“Ballroom Blitz” by Sweet
Mike Chapman & Nicky Chinn
Bible References:
Titus 1:15, Judges 6:25-28, Matthew 13:52,
2 Corinthians 5:17
J’s Journal:
I think I started writing this parody in 2004. I
had a good portion written, but I wasn’t able to
come up with the missing pieces until 2012. This
song is a little history lesson in recycled music.
Some people mistakenly think Luther and Wesley
borrowed barroom songs for melodies. They didn’t
... but other famous hymn writers and hymns
did. Even the tune for our National Anthem came
from a drinking song. Repurposed music can be a
valuable tool – consider the French song adapted by
Mozart that became “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star”
before we started using the same melody to teach
the alphabet to our children. That little bit in the
intro is a play on the fact that so many people call
Keith by the wrong name. And the first two times
it happened, they called him “Stan” and “Ted.”
Oh, kids benefit from Mozart
Even if they think the dude’s a dweeb, uh huh
With “Twinkle Twinkle’s” words changed
That guy could help you learn your ABC’s
Oh, I see a man with the flag sing the National Anthem
In his eyes an incredible song
But the bar on the corner’s where the poet and lawyer
Named Francis Scott Key got that music from
Oh, yeah, it was enlightening – everybody’s rewriting
And the music they’re spoofing – and they all starting new things!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
And the plan of attack is give ‘em Bible facts
With reworded tunes from barroom hits
And the Salvation Army and dinosaurs like Barney
Use converted tunes that’s all our group did
Borrowed bits of barroom hits, borrowed bits of barroom hits
Oh, reaching out to unchurched
Teaching those who occupy the pews
If some may call us posers
I really feel there’s nothing left to prove
And the monks in the black robes sang contrafactums
Their praises ascend to the sky
If the Lord’s in your corner, then everything’s purer
He can cure you in the twinkling of an eye
Oh, yeah, if you think Wesley – would panic at Presley
Then on next Christmas Eve, please – take a good look at “Greensleeves”
And Weird Al has accordions we use a concordance
When converting tunes with borrowed bits of barroom hits
Oh, yeah, it was enlightening – everybody’s rewriting
And the music they’re spoofing – and they all starting new things!
And the girl Fannie Crosby employed that quite a lot
She used converted tunes that’s all our group did
Borrowed bits of barroom hits
Let’s fix the barroom hits, let’s fix the barroom hits
Let’s fix the barroom hits, let’s fix the barroom hits
Yeah, fix the barroom hits!
100
Bartimaeus Eyes
medley
Parody of:
“Bette Davis Eyes” by Kim Carnes
Donna Weiss & Jackie DeShannon
He heard ‘em holler, Ho!
Here comes Jesus Christ
The man would never know
He’s got Bartimaeus eyes
He turned and looked around
He don’t have any sight
He’s sure he soon will, though
He’s got Bartimaeus eyes
He says, Jesus
If He sees me
I’ll be better, yes indeedy
“Cause they told us
That He knows just what it takes to make us whole, yes
You gotta get a Bible, look up the guy
Who’s got Bartimaeus eyes
Bible References:
Mark 10:46-52, Matthew 20:29-34, Luke 18:35-43
J’s Journal:
This is the second of the 10 songs in the “80’s Medley
(Octagon but Not Forgotten).” I originally wrote it in
1999 or 2000 as a candidate for Spoofernatural.
One day I was reading the story of blind Bartimaeus
in the Gospels – a story I’d seen many times before –
and a revelation hit me: Bartimeaus wasn’t afraid to
shout and make a fuss to try to get Jesus’ attention,
because he didn’t care what he looked like ...
because he couldn’t see anyway. I’m not real keen
on replicating girl’s vocals myself, but Kim Carnes
had a pretty raspy voice, so it worked out all right. I
pretty much said everything I wanted to say lyrically
in the first verse and chorus, so this was one of the
first songs that inspired the idea of a medley. Here’s
some interesting trivia: When the original song we
spoofed here, “Bette Davis Eyes,” was in the middle
of its nine-week run atop the Billboard charts, it was
temporarily knocked to number two for one week
by a medley – the Beatles medley by Stars on 45.
101
Bathwater
When will you wake up to the warning
‘Cause Jesus may come back today
Like the flood of Noah, His appearing
Will surprise the world and happen suddenly
Parody of:
“Backwater” by The Meat Puppets
And they say He won’t come back here but He’s going to just the same
He’ll be back in a hurry – there are some people who’d better change
Curt Kirkwood
And when they say He’s been gone a long time
They laugh and say He’s kinda late
Just when they say there’s peace and safety
Destruction comes on them suddenly
Bible References:
2 Peter 3:3-9, 1 Thessalonians 5:3
I maybe see a drain
With the bathwater circling – there are some people who’d better change
They are blind to the signs
Now’s the time for you to decide
J’s Journal:
This song was originally called “Back in a Hurry,”
but I loathed that title, even though we released
it as such on our Rare Not Well Done downloads
in 2007 (It was a recording from 1995). I didn’t
get the new title until two months AFTER we’d
rerecorded the song for our Apoplectic CD. I
recorded my vocals for it on June 17, 2014, using
the old lyrics. Then I got the title and lines about
“bathwater” and had to get back (to the studio)
in a hurry to overdub them on August 25, 2014.
The Apostle Peter said that in the last days people
would mock Christ’s seemingly belated return, but
that the reason for the delay was God’s desire for
as many people to be saved as possible (2 Peter
3:3-9). Someday, however, Christ will return. And
the bathwater may already be circling the drain.
You’d better wake up to the warning
‘Cause Jesus may be on His way
Though we might not know the day or evening
We’re still one day closer now than yesterday
He’ll be back in a hurry – there are some people who’d better change
I maybe see a drain
With the bathwater circling – there are some people who’d better change
102
Be Bold Jeremiah
Parody of:
"Jet Airliner" by Steve Miller
Paul Pena
Bible References:
Jeremiah 1:17
J’s Journal:
In this song, the prophet Jeremiah tells his own
story. Aside from the book of Psalms, Jeremiah is the
longest book in the Old Testament. Isaiah has more
chapters, but Jeremiah has more words, because
his chapters are much longer. He is also generally
credited with writing the Book of Lamentations.
Despite his prolific nature, many Christians don’t
know too much about him, and that’s a telltale
sign they haven’t read the whole Bible, because
Jeremiah’s books contain not only prophecies, but
many stories of things that happened in his life,
including his personal feelings about what was
going on circa 640-586 BC. Poor Jeremiah: He
loved his homeland (Judah) and his people (the
Jews), and yet he was sent by God to prepare them
for the Babylonian invasion that would soon come
to punish them. Consequently, the people accused
him of being a traitor and a false prophet. All that
after Jeremiah plainly told God from the start, “Ah,
Lord God! Behold, I cannot speak, for I am a youth”
(Jeremiah 1:6). “Jet Airliner” was one of the first
songs I really got into when FM radio started rockin’
me back in 1977, and you heard it too if you were
living in the USA that summer. In fact, I went out
to the record store to buy the single, but they were
sold out, so I got “Nobody Does It Better” by Carly
Simon instead of opting to take the money and run.
Even though, I wasn’t bold
I didn’t doubt the Lord
I didn’t know what to think when He came
And said, Speak to them all my words
But my Lord, I speak so horribly
And I feel like I’m far too young
Somebody else should take my place
You know that God told me to move along
Whoa! Be bold, Jeremiah
Don’t let them see you are afraid
Whoa! Be bold, Jeremiah
Let them hear what I’ve got to say
Prophesied to all my friends and foes
Prophesied to people I’d just met
They all threw me out and said go away
It might be ‘cause I prophesied their destruction
But my Lord keeps callin’ me back there
As I get on with servin’ my sentence
Prophesyin’ – got tears in my eyes
You know that God said, Go and tell them all to
Get repentant
CHORUS
Dungeon bound they threw me in the ground
Until the king pulled me out
I’ve got to keep on preachin’ on
They all said, Big deal, he’s a prisoner now!
And I’m hopin’ for some visitation
You know but I can surely see
That I don’t want to get cut off whenever
Punishment’s comin’ down on this city
CHORUS 3X
Be bold, Jeremiah – Carry the news I spoke
Be bold, Jeremiah – And prepare them for Babylon
103
Parody of:
“Feel Like Makin’ Love” by Bad Company
Mick Ralphs & Paul Rodgers
Bible References:
1 Samuel 13:14
David, when he’d sing about You, he’d sing about love
Psalms he used to write about You, and Your love
And if I have learned anything
From Thy shepherd David
I will seek You in the heavens
With my cryin’ and my praise
And be like David
Be like David was, Be like David was
Be like David was, Be like David was to You
David, when I read about him, I see that he was
Someone who You said was after Your own heart
And even though he sometimes failed You, still he tried
I will take him as my example and hope that I
Can be like David
CHORUS
And if I had one hundred tunes in my head
I could not do any better than what David said
I’ll be like David
CHORUS
J’s Journal:
I think this was written possibly on the same
day as “Isn’t Wasn’t Ain’t” on a Saturday trip to
the Kinko’s on McKnight Road in Pittsburgh. If I
remember correctly, we debuted it in concert with
a bunch of other new songs at the Paradise Club’s
one-year anniversary show in August 1992 – almost
a full year before it came out on Isn’t Wasn’t Ain’t.
I’ve always liked 1 Samuel 13:14, when it talks
about David being a man after God’s heart. The
Psalms are so great for showing us how a man
after God’s heart prays. David made some major
mistakes in his life, and they’re spread out in the
Bible for us to see, and yet God didn’t turn His back
on him. I find that so encouraging. 104
Parody of:
“Feel Like Makin’ Love” by Bad Company
David, when he’d sing about You
He’d sing about love
Psalms he wrote are written down to
Encourage us
And if I have the sort of faith
Of Thy shepherd Dave
I will ask You in the heavens
To hear my cryin’ and my praise
I’ll be like David
Be like David was, be like David was, be like David was
Be like David was to You
Mick Ralphs & Paul Rodgers
Bible References:
1 Samuel 13:14; Psalm 8:1, 34:1, 94:19, 103:1
J’s Journal:
King David was a straight shooter, and not just
with a slingshot – read his Psalms! If you needed
somebody as a role model for prayer, you ought
to consider David before moving on to anybody
besides Jesus. If you can’t get enough of David,
the Bible’s the place to go. He’s mentioned more
times than anybody besides Jesus. How about
that? Our initial attempt at this parody appeared on
Isn’t Wasn’t Ain’t in 1993, but we always felt it
deserved a more polished presentation. Although the
title and topic remained the same, the lyrics were
modified to match the music more.
David didn’t seem a proud dude
He’d bring it all up
Worries, and his fears and doubts, too
The miserable stuff
And if I hide some stuff from You
It’s really shyness
Lord, forgive me and guide the way
‘Cause that is my wish
To be like David
CHORUS
SPOKEN:
I will bless the Lord at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth.
Bless the Lord, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless his holy name.
O Lord, our Lord, how excellent is thy name in all the earth!
In the multitude of my thoughts within me thy comforts delight my soul.
And if I can extol Your name
And Thy blessed ways
I will write You hymns of Heaven
And glorify You all my days
And be like David
CHORUS
105
Bends to Low Places
Parody of:
“Friends in Low Places” by Garth Brooks
Dewayne Blackwell & Earl Bud Lee
Bible References:
Acts 2:21, Romans 10:13, Joel 2:32
J’s Journal:
On three separate occasions, the Bible says that
“everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be
saved.’ ” The first is the prophet Joel in Joel 2:32,
and the other two are Peter and Paul quoting him
in Acts 2:21 and Romans 10:13, respectively. In
the movie Grease, Johnny Casino and the Gamblers
ask “How low can you go, how low can you go,
how low can you go, how low?” No matter how
low you go, if you’re still breathing, God can still
save you. My God bends to low places. As David
says in Psalm 139:7-8, “Where can I go from your
Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I
go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my
bed in the depths, you are there.”
Blamed it all on my youth
I screwed up and goofed
And ruined my life, I declared
My past was a joke and I’d gone so low
God was the last one I thought would be there
And I was sort of surprised
At what appeared in the Bible
When I took a glance at that page
Cause Acts chapter 2:21 says Jesus rescues
Whosoever calls on His name
Cause my God bends down to low places
And He’s with me now and I feel safe ‘cause
My dues are paid and I’ll be O.K
And my God’s big on total grace cause
If we slip and fall He will go save us
Oh my God bends to low places!
I did stuff that’s wrong
I was messed up so long
But then God bent near the floor
Ever since that night
I put faith in Christ
And I know my hope is assured
Hey, I didn’t need
A washing machine
To give me a shower and rinse
I will rely on His life-giving power
To forgive my sins
106
Parody of:
“Bohemian Rhapsody“ by Queen
Freddie Mercury
Bible References:
1 Samuel 17
J’s Journal:
This song is called “Bethlehemian Rhapsody”
because it’s about David & Goliath, and David was
from Bethlehem. Technically, that makes him a
Bethlehemite, but their style of music could be called
“Bethlehemian.” I got the idea for this in 1992,
shortly after the song regained popularity because
of its use in Wayne’s World. I don’t remember how
the David-and-Goliath idea came to me, but I do
remember that once I got the title, “Bethlehemian
Rhapsody,” I knew we had a winner. This recording
was our crowning achievement when we finished it
in 1994. We were working with an ADAT machine,
and it took three or four days to do just the vocals.
At the time, we had to wait a few months before we
could afford to duplicate and release Radical History
Tour. We didn’t even have a keyboard player, so we
got Mark Gulden, a vendor I worked with at my job,
to play, because he was a seasoned keyboardist. We
couldn’t build the thing correctly from the ground up
the way we usually do, staring with drums, so our
producer played the drums on the keyboard. By the
time 2001 rolled around, we thought we could do
a lot better in terms of performance, production,
and lyrics, and so we decided to release it on “Keep
the Change.” I like the second version better, but I
think the original version has some things about it
that make it worth keeping around.
With the Israelites, First Samuel 17
Saul and his men cried, “No escape from the Philistines”
Up came Goliath; a hundred feet high, it seemed
Goliath: “I’ll end this war, boys. Send one to fight with me
‘Cause it’s an easy way we can tell – I defy Israel
Anyone you wish, boys, doesn’t really matter to me.”
Narrator: Goliath was quite a man
There were none who could compare
No one bigger anywhere
Goliath was a champion ... and everyone who saw him was afraid
No-one – ooh stood a chance against the guy
If he came back again this time tomorrow
41, 41 days that he’s come up for battle
Little Dave, said, “I’m the one.
Just a shepherd with a sling, but I’ll step into the ring.”
“Good try, little buddy,” King Saul replied
“But we need someone real big to face this brute.”
“C’mon, ooooh” (David said to King Saul) “I ain’t gonna die
“This uncircumcised Philistine’s gonna fall.”
Goliath: I see a little bitty shepherd – not a man.
Are you fools? Are you fools?
You’re just fueling my anger!
Am I just a dog, you come at me with rocks and sticks?
David: Gol-la-liath! Gol-la-liath! Gol-la-liath! Here with go
With sticks and stooooooones! I trust the Lord but nobody trusts me
Crowd: He’s trusts the Lord, but spends his time tending sheep
Facing a giant with a stone and a sling
David: Evil man, you must go! God will strike you down
Goliath: He will not, no. He will not strike me down
David: Yes, He will
Goliath: He will not – will not strike me down
David: Yes, He will, etc. etc.
Goliath: Come-a-here, come-a-here ! Come-a-here, little boy
I’ll give your flesh to the birds of the sky to eat, to eat, to eat
David: So you think you can mock the invisible God?
So you think you’re just fighting a sling and a shot
Oh, baby, you ain’t just fighting David
You’re fighting God, and He’ll knock you right out of here
Doesn’t really matter ... what your size might be
God will fight my battles – God will win my battles for me
Voice of Experience: David will be king soon
107
Parody of:
“Bohemian Rhapsody” by Queen
Freddie Mercury
Bible References:
1 Samuel 17
J’s Journal:
Yep, it’s the same song we spoofed on Radical
History Tour, and it’s still about David and Goliath,
but we gave the lyrics a major overhaul in early 2001
(I think only one or two lines survived) and the vocals,
instrumentation, and production are much better
than our original. This is one of our most popular
parodies, and Queen’s guitarist, Brian May, even had
a story posted about it on his website.
Is this a real guy? Is he just fantasy?
‘Cause of his grand size, no one’s safe from fatality
Open your eyes, look up at Goliath, and see:
GOLIATH: I’m dressed for war, boys. I need no infantry
Because I’ll meet the one you propose
Israelites, pick my foe
Anyway, I’ll win, so it doesn’t really matter to me
DAVID: Mama, there’s still no man who can come against this threat
You might figure now we’re dead
Mama, Goliath is testing us
And know he’s gonna know they’re all afraid
Mama, ooh ooh ooh, he’s a mean and crazy guy
He’ll come right back again this time tomorrow
Scaring us, scaring us – cause he wants to meet in battle
Hooray! My time has come
Been a shepherd all my life – but I’m taking on this giant
Goodbye, everybody – but not for long
God will lead me all the while I face this brute
C’mon! Ooh ooh ooh!
(David you’re a wimp though) I’m not gonna die
The One who wins my battles is Lord of all
GOLIATH: I see a little silly shepherd – not a man
What are you tryin’ to prove? You’ll be chewed up and mangled!
Send a boy to fight me? Very, very tiny flea!
DAVID: Gol-la-liath! Gol-la-liath! Gonna die you big galoot!
I’ll kick your butt!
I trust the Lord but nobody trusts me
CROWD: He trusts the Lord, but suffers from insanity
Daring to fight ‘gainst this monstrosity
DAVID: Evil comes, evil goes – You will get deposed
GOLIATH: I will not, no! I will not get deposed
DAVID: Yes, you will (Repeat)
Your head will roll
GOLIATH: No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Come-to-me-a! Come-to-me-a! Let the eagles pick your bones
Beelzebub and his devils gonna fight for me for me for me
DAVID: So you think you can scorn me and spit at my tribe?
So you think you’re above me just based on your size?
Oh, baby ... you ain’t just duelin’ David
You’re gonna get it now – cause God’ll win my battle here
CROWD: Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Oh yeah!
DAVID: Guys I’m really flattered – yet it wasn’t me
God wins every battle – God wins every battle for me
VOICE: David will be king soon
108
Bethlehem’s Boy
Parody of:
“My Best Friend’s Girl” by The Cars
Ric Ocasek
Bible References:
Luke 2:8-18, Micah 5:2
J’s Journal:
This is a song from the shepherds’ perspective
after seeing angels announcing the birth of Christ
in Bethlehem. I was a big Cars fan growing up, and
we even had a short-lived club in college called “The
Ric Clique,” where we walked around talking like
the Cars’ Ric Ocasek, and quoting some of his ultrastrange lyrics. It was always a pleasure for me to
sing their songs when I was in garage bands and
bar bands back in the olden days, too. We recorded
and released a primitive version of this parody back
in late 1992 on our Want It Dead or Alive? cassette.
I tweaked the lyrics (one of the lines added was
“kinda like some spacey ships,” which I love,
because it sounds like something Ric might write)
when we dug it out again for Future Tense, which
came out in June 2008. We decided to include a
trio of Christmas-themed songs on that CD, but
we pre-released them in December 2007 as part of
The 12 Downloads of Christmas.
When all the lambs are sound asleep
We keep ‘em safe through the night
But there’s a new star that we’ve seen
One that looks really bright
Here He comes, they said
Yeah, there’s angels in the starry skies, oh
You’ll think we flipped
Looks kind of like some spaceyships
He’s in Bethlehem
He’s in Bethlehem
He’s in Bethlehem ahem, ahem!
You can see Christ!
You gotta look in your Book
If you check Mi-cah
You’ll see why Micah said
There’s something happenin’ above
I’ll make the trip
Yeah, there’s angels in the starry skies
And kinda like the way that Micah said, they said,
Yes, He’s in Bethlehem, boys
He’s a Bethlehem boy, ahoy, ahoy!
There you can see Christ!
He’s so nice!
When all the lambs are sound asleep
We keep ‘em safe through the night
And there’s a newborn that we’ve seen
Talkin’ ‘bout Jesus Christ
Go take the trip
Yeah, there’s angels in the starry skies
And kinda like the way that Micah said, they said,
He’s in Bethlehem
He’s in Bethlehem
He’s in Bethlehem ahem, ahem!
That’s where you can see Christ! He so nice!
In Bethlehem, friends, you can see Christ (REPEAT)
109
Better than Exorcism
Lookin’ to find a house
Demons go back to where they were before
Searchin’ for signs of Christ, but there’s nobody home
Well, maybe you’ve swept the floor
And maybe you’ll come to Christ when you get around to it
Demons returned and found that you never did
Parody of:
“Good” by Better Than Ezra
Kevin Griffin
Bible References:
2 Corinthians 13:5; Matthew 12:43-45
J’s Journal:
In Matthew 12:43-45, Jesus says that when an evil
spirit is driven out of a man, it comes back later. If its
previous home is still empty, the demon brings seven
others who are even worse. That’s why having
Christ dwell in your heart through faith (Ephesians
3:17, 2 Corinthians 13:5) is better than exorcism.
This isn’t the first song we released with Wayne
Bartley on guitar, but it’s the first one he recorded
for us. Wayne did his parts in February 2014,
although the finished song wouldn’t be released until
Apoplectic came out in November 2014.
Uh oh, isn’t God livin’ in you?
Uh oh, isn’t God – uhhh
Uh oh, isn’t God livin’ in you?
Uh oh, isn’t God – uhhh
Safely inside your house
One can invite his seven friends to call
Searchin’ for signs of Christ, but there’s nobody home
Well, listen to Paul, he writes in a letter
Make sure you see that the Lord is inside
If you’re not too sure, then you’re not too sound
You’ve unlocked your door, and they’ve got you now
I said
CHORUS
Ah, no God? No good!
LEAD
CHORUS
Yeah, if there’s no God
Yeah, it does no good
110
Bible in Hand
Parody of:
“Travelin’ Band” by Creedence Clearwater Revival
John Fogerty
Bible References:
1 Thessalonians 4:13-18, 5:1-3; Acts 1:10-11;
1 Corinthians 15:51-52; Matthew 24:27-31
J’s Journal:
The original song we spoofed here, “Travelin’ Band”
by CCR, was the song that inspired Tom Tincha to
play guitar, and we’re obviously very grateful for
that. Ironically, I got the lyrics for this song almost
a full year before he joined the band – I didn’t even
know Tinch existed – more evidence that God
always has things taken care of in advance! But this
parody is about how we should take care of things in
advance. In 1 Thessalonians 5:1-2, the Apostle Paul
writes, “Now, brothers, about times and dates we
do not need to write to you, for you know very well
that the day of the Lord will come like a thief in the
night.” Nobody knows the day nor the hour when
our Lord will return, but we do know that we’re all
going to meet our Maker sooner or later, whether
He returns to earth in our lifetime or not. Personally,
I’d rather meet Him sooner – on this side of eternity
– and the best way to do that is through prayer and
the Word of God (i.e. prayin’ with a Bible in hand).
See the Lord in Heaven’s comin’ out of the sky
Well, He said He’d come to get us and He did not lie
You gotta move
Prayin’ with a Bible in hand, yeah
Well, it’s time for Christ to land
Find Him while you can
Prayin’ with a Bible in hand
Let me do a show and tell
I ain’t gonna go to hell
C’mon, c’mon, won’t you let me tell the truth
You gotta move
Try to understand
Listen’ to the way to go
Talkin’ to all the lost souls
Come to God through Christ you gotta call His name and listen
Gotta move
Try to understand
LEAD
He will come again like a thief in the night
Will you finally recognize Him – will you get that we were right?
You gotta move
Whoa!
SECOND LEAD
Whoa! Prayin’ with a Bible in hand
Find Him while you’ve still got a chance
Well, the time is close at hand
Whoa!
111
Big Deal
Parody of:
“Big Me” by The Foo Fighters
Dave Grohl, Taylor Hawkins, Nate Mendel &
Chris Shiflett
Well, you talk about your faith in God – read James chapter 2
Well, you talk about your faith in God – trees must all bear fruit
Big deal to talk about it – demons do that, too
They believe that there’s one God but that don’t make them good
Well, you talk about your faith in God – Jesus knows if it’s true
But it’s proved by what you do
When you talk about your faith in God – feed the destitute
When you talk about your faith in God – give them clothes and shoes
Big deal to talk about it – demons do that, too
They see that there’s one God and tremble when they do
When you talked about your faith in God, I never doubted you
But it’s proved by what you do
Well, I don’t deny that faith is all savin’ me and you
But it’s proved by what you do – by what you do – by what you do
Bible References:
James 2:14-26, Acts 26:20
J’s Journal:
Some people think that simply believing in the
existence of God constitutes faith. Jesus’ half
brother James says this to that: “You believe that
there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe
that–and shudder” (James 2:19). In other words, big
deal! As I’ve said in concerts, I believe that politicians
exists, but that doesn’t mean I believe in them. If you
believe in somebody, your accompanying actions
will provide external evidence. Yes, we’re saved by
grace through faith and not by works (Ephesians
2:8-9), but once Christ is in your heart, good works
naturally follow (Ephesians 2:10). As Jesus said in
Luke 6:46: “Why do you call me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and
do not do what I say?” Speaking of works, this is
yet another song written while I was doing yard
work (i.e. mowing the front lawn).
112
Bone Digger
Parody of:
“Gold Digger” by Kanye West featuring Jamie Foxx
Kanye West, Ray Charles & Renald Richard
Bible References:
Romans 1:18-25, Job 40:15-41:34
J’s Journal:
One thing that really frustrates us is when
Creationists are portrayed by the media as ignorant
fools who believe the Biblical account of Creation
in spite of supposedly overwhelming evidence for
evolution. In fact, many Creationists are former
evolutionists who became converted because of
the wealth of evidence for Creation and lack of
genuine evidence for evolution. These people are
not college dropouts; they have PhD’s in fields like
biology, botany, chemistry, geophysics, and plant
physiology. We’ve had the pleasure of witnessing a
number of debates between leading Creationists and
evolutionists, and the Creationists routinely outfox
their opponents. So, there is ray of hope, even for
those who are currently fans of Charles Darwin and
his descendants. Of course, the idea of a Creator
God to whom all men are accountable is offensive
to many humans, especially to the modern Western
mind. There are atheists who wouldn’t follow Christ
even if Jesus walked into the room and started doing
miracles right before their eyes. Some would even
go as far as passing late legislation to forbid the
teaching of intelligent design. And they call us close
minded. Can you believe it? This song was either the
last or next-to-last song added to Wordplay, and it
may be the most popular. When I was a kid, I loved
dinosaurs and wanted to be an archaeologist or
paleontologist when I grew up. We lived very close
(continued on next page)
They make a monkey right out of me – Yes, they’ve been tryin’ endlessly
Overeager bone diggers – they never found that jigsaw piece
They make a monkey right out of me – It makes for funky biology
I’m not the kid of some hominid, who comes from a lizard, whose mama was a fish
Now I ain’t hatin’ on the bone diggers, but I say evolution don’t figure
Now, I ain’t hatin’ on the bone diggers, but I ain’t never seen no holes bigger
It sounds like no evidence found, it sounds like their heads in the ground
It sounds like they’re just too proud, it sounds quite boneheaded
You need to ponder whether evolution is wrong
Whether maybe you was put on under cover of dawn
They said, “We can tell from rocks, we tell by the carbon”
‘Cause this world has gotta flock of descendants of Charles Robert Darwin
But I’m lookin’ for the odds at casinos
That life could come to be from random acids amino – zero
We know it’s hocus pocus and they wanna make all of that an accidental process?
O.K., let’s pretend a fishy had some kids
That stood up on their fins and crawled up on land
Without evidence and here we are today
If you’re trustin’ in this worldview you better have faith
You know why? They make too much of nothin’
Stuff that I’ve heard it should have been on Mythbusters
Their best forensic samples couldn’t cut the mustard
You don’t care what none of us say you still trust it
(They make a monkey) Now I ain’t hatin’ on the bone diggers (right out of me)
But I say evolution don’t figure (It makes for funky)
Now, I ain’t hatin’ on the bone diggers (biology)
But I ain’t never seen no holes bigger (I’m not the kid)
It sounds like no evidence found (of some hominid)
It sounds like their heads in the ground (who comes from a lizard)
It sounds like they’re just too proud (whose mama was a fish)
It sounds quite boneheaded
1859’s the fateful year – they’ve had 150 years to prove their great new theory
I know some funny ways they found support for some of it, kids
They made some hominids from parts of gibbons and pigs
Your museums are deceiving when you visit one they
Take a couple bones pawn it off as a primate
They were s’posed to find all sorts of life forms we could study
They went to the rocks and got dinosaurs in the muddy
They’re talkin’ down actin’ like the Bible is so funny
Could’ve got dinos sooner if they tried Job 41-y
If it ain’t no bunk, holler “We want proof now, we want proof now, yeah!”
It’s somethin’ that’ll make you mad
Cause all the links they had were either weak or bad
Great big digs since the 1860’s
And after waiting and searchin’ they found out it doesn’t exist?
CHORUS
Now I ain’t hating on the bone digger, no, not me
113
Bone Digger (cont.)
Parody of:
“Gold Digger” by Kanye West featuring Jamie Foxx
I’ve found trilobites in stone and some petrified trees
You know evolution ain’t paleontology
Transition forms are lackin’ – got a hole up his sleeve
But – the other option’s not fun
So he gonna make you into a man out of that pond scum
This is his religion baby, don’t be surprised
That fishy on all fours on his jeep’s his messiah
So, let’s no fight – I won’t abuse Darwin ‘cause that’s not nice
And they’re gonna keep stallin’ and tryin’ to prove they’re right though
And when you catch on we’ll lead you back to the Bible
SECOND HALF OF CHORUS
Kanye West, Ray Charles & Renald Richard
Bible References:
Romans 1:18-25, Job 40:15-41:34
J’s Journal:
(continued from previous page)
to a strip mine, and my friends and I used to hunt for
fossils there. One day I really did find trilobites in
stone, as the song says, and that was the highlight
of my fossil-hunting career. Before that, I’d already
found fossilized imprints of trees/ferns.
114
Born Above
Parody of:
“Born to Run” by Bruce Springsteen
Bruce Springsteen
Bible References:
John 3:3
J’s Journal:
Judging by the titles of Bruce Springsteen’s two
biggest albums, you could say he’s been born twice
(Born to Run and Born in the USA), although not
quite the way we’re singing about in this song.
“Born Above” is the story of Nicodemus and his
conversation with Jesus, as related in John 3:1-21,
in which Jesus told Nicodemus: “Truly, truly, I say
to you, unless one is born again he cannot see the
kingdom of God.” If you have a Bible with notes, it
may tell you that the phrase “born again” can also
be translated “born from above.” The New Geneva
Study Bible says, “It is possible that both meanings
are intended – a new birth that is a birth from above.”
In the day he went about on the streets
Doing run of the mill Pharisee things
At night he met with his master, the Lord, he said
Show us what You mean
I’m a sage but You’re highly divine
Your wisdom’s respected and second-to-none, top of the line
Oh – Jesus said, Now, if you’re born from above
You can get that – you can go where I’m at
You gotta get it while you’re young
‘Cause you can’t find much, baby till you’re born above
That’s what He told Him
Yeah, He said to Him, you gotta be born again
If you want God to increase your vision
Just like the wind blows just where it wills
The same thing happens to Christians
You never see it make its path – yet somehow you know
Baby, whenever it blows past
Oh – will you walk with Me out on the water?
Cause baby I can prepare you to know the Father
If you wanna know, here’s the deal:
You must become a little child
If you wanna know that God is real
Oh, let Me show you
Beyond this planet, Heaven’s got a home
Seems like it’s really far
The world’s not aware but it’s really near
And they don’t have to look so hard
The amusing part is the door’s in your heart
It’s just somehow out of reach in your midst
You gotta die with Me daily or you wait to die
And get everlasting death
The highway’s jammed with folks whose steering’s
Gonna get them burned alive
Well, everybody wants on the road to God
But there’s no way there but Mine
Together, Nicky, we can live at this address
I’ll scrub you of all the badness in your soul
Someday when you’re born again
You’re gonna get to that place you really wanna go
And you’ll walk with the Son
But till then – can’t find much baby till you’re born above
Uh, buddy – can’t find much baby till you’re born above
C’mon with Me – can’t find much baby till you’re born above
115
Born-Again Child
Parody of:
“Born to Be Wild” by Steppenwolf
Mars Bonfire
Bible References:
John 3:3, 1 Peter 1:23
Yes, the Lord is comin’ – straight out of the skyway
Lookin’ for repentance – whosoever calls His name
Yeah, God’s a-gonna make it happen
Take the world at a sudden pace
Find all of the ones He wants and export ‘em to space
Like a stroke of lightnin’ – every man that’s on earth
Will see Him again – are you ready now, I wonder
Shake the world and its stubborn ways
Find all of His sons at once and head home to His place
And if you use faith just now – you’ll be born, born again, child
You can fly so high – you’re never gonna die
Born-again child, born-again child
Yes, the Lord is comin’ – get out of your wild ways
Look in Romans 10 first – do whatever stuff it says
Save the world with His lovin’ grace
Find out what He wants from us, and just grow in your faith
And with a new nature now, yeah, you’re born, born again, child
You can fly so high – you’re never gonna die
Born-again child, born-again child
J’s Journal:
This is a song Keith and I co-wrote. He came up
with the title and gave me some rough lyrics to work
with in the mid-90’s. I still have his original lyric
sheet somewhere in the files. We’d been playing
this song in concert for years before we finally
recorded it for Chosen Ones in 2007. We try to
always include it when we play concerts at venues
with significant biker populations. As a matter of
fact, the first out-of-state concert we ever played
was a big motorcycle rally in Virginia for the
national convention of the Sons of God Motorcycle
Club in 1995. The following year, we played that
event again as the first stop on our first mini-tour,
with eight shows in Virginia, Georgia, Florida, and
South Carolina. It was no coincidence that we
included the term “Sons of God” in the lyrics. In
1998, the Sons of God MC later invited us to one
of our most unusual concert opportunities ever, as
they teamed up with the Christian Motorcyclists
Association (CMA) in an evangelistic outreach at
the Easyriders Motorcycle Rodeo in Chillicothe OH.
We played a marathon-length concert – every song
we could think to play – as those two Christian
motorcycle clubs handed out tracts and witnessed
to their fellow bikers. To put it mildly, we were
the only form of Christian entertainment being
offered that weekend. 116
Boulevard of Both Extremes
Parody of:
“Boulevard of Broken Dreams” by Green Day
Joe Armstrong, Mike Dirnt & Tre Cool
Bible References:
Luke 17:11-19
J’s Journal:
Quick – name something worse for your social life in
ancient Judea than having leprosy. How about having
leprosy AND being a Samaritan? That’s the situation
faced by the main character in this song, based on
Luke 17:11-19. Put yourself in this guy’s sandals:
Every time when you come around a group of people
you have to give them a warning that you’re a leper
– as if they couldn’t figure that out for themselves.
Then, after they’ve taken a long look at you as you
pass by and disappear down the lonely road, you can
hear them muttering things like, “Good riddance!”
and, “Samaritan idiot!” That could tend to make a
person a little jaded or even turn them into a basket
case. To this guy’s credit, he persevered, and found
out something very cool: the Jesus of Nazareth and
all Judea was also the Jesus of Samaria. When
reading this story in the Bible, I’ve tried to use it
as an inspiration to remember to thank God for
answered prayers. I always liked the old Andrae
Crouch song “Take a Little Time” that deals with
the same topic. I don’t remember where I was when
I first got the idea for this song, but I know where I
was when I got the last parts and the title – on my
way to get my driver’s license renewed.
I walk Galilee road
I know no one and I am an unknown
I’m Samaritan, though
Got a known disease but I got no home
I’ve got this leprosy
All the folks who are approaching scream
Where’s their sympathy?
They run and show me none, but I’m not alone
I’m not alone, I’m not alone, I’m not alone, I’m not a
My fellow homeless ones, they walk beside me
We share those marks that go with skin diseases
There’s nine Jewish among us
They don’t mind me
With them, I’m not alone
We’re all from Palestine
Race divides us but their skin’s like mine
And like Frankenstein
Ugly, wretched, scarred like Al Capone
We see Jesus Christ
Let’s walk up to Him He seems all right
Yet in Bible times
We know it’s not allowed, we must walk alone
But I’m not alone, I’m not alone, I’m not alone, I’m not aMy fellow homeless ones who walk beside me
They shout “Have mercy on us, please Lord Jesus!”
Then Christ says we should turn from there and find priests
To them I’ve got to go
LEAD
Our Lord just set me free
From a cruel, bizarre, awful disease
Went to see the priests
And on the road the Lord was my doctor
My fellow homeless ones were healed just like me
I shall embark to go give thanks to Jesus
The nine all wish me luck but stay behind me
And then I walk alone
117
Boy Tell the World
Parody of:
“Joy to the World” by Three Dog Night
Hoyt Axton
Bible References:
Jeremiah 32:12-16, 36:4-32, 43:1-7, 45:1-5
J’s Journal:
Before Three Dog Night turned him into a bullfrog,
Jeremiah was best known as a prophet of God. This
song tells about Jeremiah from the perspective of his
scribe, Baruch. One of the bands that had the greatest
influence on ApologetiX in the early days was Three
Dog Night. Some of the first Christian parodies I
ever wrote were parodies of the Three Dog Night
hits "Joy to the World," "Never Been to Spain" and
"Shambala." (That parody of "Shambala" actually
became the first experimental studio recording
the band ever made.) The recording of "Boy Tell
the World" features keyboards by Steve Carroll, a
former studio musician who arranged, recorded, and
toured with Three Dog Night in the early 1970's.
Steve also played or recorded with a number of other
popular acts, such as the Guess Who, Bob Dylan,
and Elvis Presley. Steve became a worship leader
and pastor, and we got to meet him at a concert
we played in Georgia. Although the original version
of this parody was one of the first parodies I ever
wrote and was included on our Isn't Wasn't Ain't
cassette back in 1993 as "Trust in the Lord,” this
version from 2004 bears virtually no resemblance to
it. The majority of "Boy Tell the World" was written
on December 30, 2002, the night before the band
left for a New Year's Eve concert in Seattle WA.
Jeremiah loved the true God
Was a good friend of mine
I never edited a single word he said
But I helped him ink his lines
And he always had me write ‘em down twice, singin’
Boy, tell the world
All my voice unfurls now
Boy, tell them visions that they need to see
Going to you from me
If I were the king in the wall
I’ll tell you what I’d do
I’d throw away the false little gods, end the war
And make peace it’s up to you (Sing it now)
Boy, tell the world
Ah, they’re going to quarrel now
Boy, tell them issues that they need to see
Boy, it’s you and me
You know I’m not courageous
I’d love to have more fire
I’m no high-priced scribe or
Any paid ghost writer
My name’s Baruch, the son of Neriah
The main dude it was Jeremiah
Boy, tell the world
Ah, the choice is theirs now
Boy, tell them this is it, believe you me
Boy, it’s true indeed
118
Parody of:
“The Boys Are Back in Town” by Thin Lizzy
Phil Lynott
Bible References:
Acts 2-4
J’s Journal:
The song is told from the perspective of an unbeliever
in Jerusalem after the events of Acts 2-3. It’s based
in part on a statement made in Acts 4:13: “When
they saw the courage of Peter and John and realized
that they were unschooled, ordinary men, they were
astonished and they took note that these men had
been with Jesus.” I’d been wanting to do a parody
of this song since 1992, and I knew it was going to
be about what happened in the wake of Pentecost,
but that’s all I knew. Keith had always loved the
original, and Tinch was a major Thin Lizzy fan, so
with Tom Milnes playing the other guitar it was
an obvious choice for our first live album with the
TNT line-up. In fact, it was such an obvious choice
that – after the lyrics were completed – the guys
all recommended we make it the title track. Once
I got the line “Talkin’ in tongues and freakin’ me
out,” I knew we had a song that could capture the
spirit of the original Thin Lizzy song. If the narrator
in “The Boys Are Back in Town” had been around
at Pentecost, I think that’s way he would have
described it. I always loved the way Phil Lynott told
the story in the original, and I tried to keep that kind
of vibe in our parody lyrics. I believe we first played
this in soundcheck in June 2009, and we debuted it
in concert the following month. It eventually became
our closing number (before the encore) and may very
well be the quintessential song from the TNT years.
Guess who just got back today?
Them low-life boys out of Galilee
Something’s changed; they’re much too brave
But, man, I still think them cats are crazy
They were actin’ as if He was still around
Talkin’ in tongues and freakin’ me out
Told us He was livin’ right now
Tried to say the Lord had raised Him
The boys aren’t backin’ down, the boys aren’t backin’ down
You know that cripple who couldn’t stand or walk?
Every time he’d be on the floor beggin’ what we got
Man, at the temple, he would do it at the same spot
I mean he was scenery
Then, that guy, you know he met John and Pete
Well, that cripple got up and leapt on his feet
Man, we just yelled in disbelief
If that’s a trick, I wanna know, it’s clever
CHORUS
They’re spreadin’ the word around –they’re not backin’ down
They’re spreadin’ the word around
Friday Christ, well, He’d just been killed
I didn’t see those followers thrilled
They laid low ‘cause blood would spill
And if the boys wanna preach Christ we’re gonna get ‘em
That kook’s out on the corner yackin’ now and sayin’ we’re wrong
Them guys are gettin’ bolder – it won’t be long
Won’t be long till trouble comes – now that the boys aren’t fearin’ it
CHORUS
The boys in Acts, the boys in Acts
The boys aren’t backin’ down again
They hail them now as heroes
The boys aren’t backin’ down again
119
Brush
I’ve been tough – on this town
Took their gate – tore it down
Wasn’t that just too much? … mmm
I was bored, let my hair down
I’m just lookin’ for a brush
Parody of:
“Tush” by ZZ Top
Billy Gibbons, Dusty Hill & Frank Beard
Bible References:
Judges 15:1-16:3
Burned ‘em bad, got ‘em good
Tied those foxes, firewood
Baby, that was too much … mmm
LEAD
Beat them back, with a bone
All by myself, all alone
Maybe that was too much … hmmm
J’s Journal:
This spoof completes a suite of songs about
someone not known for his sweetness – the
scriptural strongman Samson. Yes, we’ve already
released three songs about his exploits (“I Know a
Riddle,” “Play Fair, Delilah,” and “Enter Samson”),
but “Brush” fills in some of the missing pieces in
the saga, as Samson shares stories of three feats
of strength he performed after he met the lion but
before he met Delilah. The lyrics were written way
back in 1996 or 1997 during a time when I was
really cranking out parody lyrics, not knowing which
ones would ever see the light of day. Although
I wrote it after Veggie Tales did “The Hairbrush
Song” (1995), I did write it a long time before
they released “Minnesota Cuke and the Search for
Samson’s Hairbrush” (2005). Tom Tincha played
the main guitars but suggested we bring back
Tom Milnes to play slide guitar. We released this
song as part of a single with “Cousin Zephaniah”
on January 27, 2014, not realizing at the time that
it would kick off a long string of biweekly singles.
120
Called My Wife
Parody of:
“All My Life” by The Foo Fighters
Dave Grohl, Taylor Hawkins, Nate Mendel &
Chris Shiflett
Bible References:
Genesis 3:1-24, 4:1-16; Hebrews 11:4;
1 Timothy 2:14
J’s Journal:
Adam talks to his sons Cain and Abel about the Fall
in an effort to keep them from making the same
mistakes he did. By the end of the song, however,
his worst fears are realized, as Cain returns from the
field without Abel. This song is definitely one of my
favorite songs from Adam Up and one of my favorite
songs we ever did. Another one of those written-inthe-car songs, I think it has a really good balance of
humor and seriousness. That third verse is so chilling,
with the way the music works in tandem with the
lyrics as Adam comes to realize what’s going on. Yet
the very end has a glimmer of hope as Adam starts
to address his next son, Seth. We felt that this song
and “It’s Not Eden” were so strong that they really
carried the album, that’s why they’re the final track
and the middle track of the 22. When we realized
that they both had Adam as the speaker, that sent
us searching for an appropriate title, and “Adam
Up” was too good to pass up, especially since we
were starting to forget just how many albums we’d
put out when people would ask. The “Adam Up/Add
‘Em Up” pun was right up our alley.
Called my wife “Eve,” the serpent he jumped in
Jumped in ‘cause he was never good for nothing
Nothing ‘cept his lies and his empty boasts
Closed our foolish eyes and he ended our hopes
All life long I’ll remember the day
When Eden was around now it’s taken away
Eve says just to deal with it I feel morose
When it costs the life of a sheep or goat
Calm down this ain’t recess – I wanna tell you the rest
And if I give you a test – Sons, you two both better do your best
Sacrifice something that matters – Like Abel did with his sheep
Cause you’re my reason to breathe – Don’t want my sons ending up like me
C’mon my sons listen up I plead
Cain, don’t let it go to waste – I love you, don’t just vegetate
Hate’s keeping you down
Abel, yeah, you’re going great – I love you, but I hesitate
Cain’s sneaking around
When I found out we need covered – I covered up with some leaves
I made a one-piece for Eve – Over the shoulders down to the knees
Didn’t get any closer to making both of us wise – It left me empty inside
From then on I’ve got something to hide
From then on I’ve got something to hide
Cain, don’t let this grow to rage – I love you, why’d you make that face
Snake’s seeking you out
Abel, yeah, I know your faith – I love you, but you ain’t that safe
Cain’s creeping me out
Called my wife I’ve been searchin’ since sunset
Something must be wrong have you seen our sons yet
Not yet but I spy someone gettin’ close
Closer, yes, it’s Cain at the end of the road
Oh, my son, what’s that thing on your face
And Abel’s not around where’d you take him today
He was in the field with you I fear you know
You look kind of like you’ve just seen a ghost
My son, son, what have you just done
Son, son, tell me what have you just done
Son, my son, Cain, I don’t wanna guess
Cain you better go away – I love you but I hate that snake
Can’t keep him around
Abel, what a total waste – I’d love to go and take your place
Laid deep in the ground
Done, done, on to the next son
Done, I’m done, now I’m warning you Seth
121
Calling Dr. Luke
You read my stuff baby, all those facts
The Gospel of Luke and the Book of Acts
And did I say I was a Greek M.D.
With a Ph.D. in history
Parody of:
“Calling Dr. Love” by Kiss
Gene Simmons
Bible References:
Colossians 4:14, 2 Timothy 4:11, Philemon 1:24
J’s Journal:
In this parody Luke, “the beloved physician,”
discusses his two best-known literary works,
the Gospel According to Luke and the Acts of the
Apostles. I wrote the lyrics sometime in the mid1990’s, although we never performed or recorded
it till 2014. “Calling Dr. Love” was my favorite
of a number of Kiss songs I liked growing up – I
even bought the 45-rpm single. Keith was also a
big fan of Kiss, but neither of us can hold a candle
(let alone an official autographed authentic Kiss
candle) to Jimmy as far as fandom. After all, the
guy met his wife at a Kiss concert, for Pete’s sake
(that would be Pete, as in Peter Criss, of course)!
Ironically, as our drummer poor Jimmy hadn’t gotten
to play on our previous Kiss parody, “Death,” so we
asked him to not only play but also sing backing
vocals on this one. He’s the low guy who starts
coming in midway through the song. They call me (Dr. Luke)
They call me Dr. Luke (Calling Dr. Luke)
I got the cure right in my book (Calling Dr. Luke)
And even though you’re full of sin
It can end if you let Jesus in
He’ll make you new – there’s nothing you need do
You read my stuff and then you’ll know it’s true
So if you believe, get on your knees
There are no bills – this Gospel’s free
Baby, I know what your problem is
The first step of the cure is – confess
So call me (Dr. Luke)
I penned the Gospel of Luke (Calling Dr. Luke)
Hah!
They call me (Dr. Luke)
LEAD
Oooh!
Oooh!
I got the cure right in my book (Calling Dr. Luke) Yeah!
Yeahhh!
Luke, Luke, Luke, Luke (Dr. Luke)
Look, look, look, look (Calling Dr. Luke)
Dr. Luke!
I got the cure right in the (Dr. Luke)
I got the cure right in the (Calling Dr. Luke)
Oh, I got the cure right in my book (Calling Dr. Luke)
They call me Dr. Luke (Dr. Luke)
122
Can’t Buy Free Love
Parody of:
“Can’t Buy Me Love” by The Beatles
Bible References:
Acts 8:9-24
J’s Journal:
One of the catchphrases and ideologies of the
1960’s counterculture was “free love,” arguably a
by-product of that generation’s pop/rock music. Of
course, the Beatles were at the forefront of that
scene. Ultimately, “free love” wasn’t really free; you
paid a price for it later, one way or another. But
God’s love really is free, and so are the gifts and fruit
that come with it, as distributed by the Holy Spirit.
Acts chapter 8 relates the story of a sorcerer named
Simon Magus who became a convert to Christianity
(although apparently not a sincere one) and later
sought to buy the ability to bestow the Holy Spirt on
others. The Apostle Peter rebuked him for that. The
term “simony” – the buying or selling of positions or
privileges within the church – is named after that
Simon. Early church texts point to him as a source of
early heresies and one of the founders of Gnosticism.
This song, recorded live at Lazarus’ Tomb coffee
house in Arnold, PA on March 9, 1996, recounts
the story of Peter’s confrontation with Simon
Magus. It was originally released on a homemade
cassette called Beatleg in late 1996.
Can’t buy free love ... oh!
Can’t buy free love
A guy named Simon he met Peter
In the eighth chapter of Acts
He could do magic things ‘cause he was
Usin’ Satan through witchcraft
And Simon had a bunch of money
But he couldn’t buy free love
“I’ll give you all I’ve got,” he said
“If you’ll show me what to do
To make the power of God descend
Upon the ones I want it to.”
But Peter said, “It’s not for money
Money can’t buy free love.”
Can’t buy free love ... and the Bible tells me so
Can’t buy free love ... no dough sozo
Satan will keep you buyin’ things
That God says not to try
Till you reach the point where finally
You’ve bought a great big lie
And lies can cost you more than money
Money can’t buy free love
Can’t buy free love ... and the Bible tells me so
Can’t buy free love ... no dough sozo
Satan will keep you buyin’ things
That never satisfy
Till you reach the point where finally
You’ve bought a great big lie
And lies can cost you more than money
Money can’t buy free love
123
Can’t Eat Enough
Parody of:
“Can’t Get Enough” by Bad Company
Paul Rodgers
Bible References:
Matthew 14:13-21
J’s Journal:
This is the story of Jesus feeding the 5000 with
five loaves and two fish. I wrote a first draft of
this parody in an all-night writing session back in
1992 – it was called “Can’t Get Enough of the
Loaves” back then – and we performed it live at the
Paradise Club. But we but didn’t record it for a CD
until 2007, and I made some significant changes to
the lyrics in the meantime, even though it still deals
with the same topic. We’ve recorded parodies of
four Bad Company songs over the years, so you’d
think that we can’t get enough of them. Yes, the
Bible does say that “Bad Company corrupts good
character” (1 Corinthians 15:33), but it wasn’t
talking about the band, of course.
Well, I take good care of my flock
And, baby, they want food
You give them somethin’ to eat
Don’t tell them to go home ‘cause that’s rude
C’mon, c’mon, c’mon, Andrew and
C’mon, c’mon all you other dudes
I can’t give ‘em nothin’ for lunch ... huh
I can’t give ‘em nothin’ for lunch
I can’t give ‘em nothin’ for lunch
Listen!
Well, let’s take the five small loaves
I’m a gonna break ‘em in two
Gonna hand them out like your Lord says
God will help you out while you do
C’mon, c’mon, c’mon, and do it
C’mon, c’mon – you got the food, Whoo!
They can’t eat enough of your loaves
They can’t eat enough of your loaves ... huh
They can’t eat enough of your loaves
LEAD
REPEAT SECOND CHORUS 2X
I love ‘em so much and they can’t eat enough of the loaves
I love ‘em so much and they can’t eat enough of the loaves
They can’t eat enough of the loaves
124
Casket Place
Parody of:
“Basket Case” by Green Day
Billy Joe Armstrong & Green Day
Do we have much time to live until we find
A lot of things are happening all at once
Crime and violence grow while earthquakes take their toll
Morality is low ... and what about AIDS?
Sometimes I think this world’s asleep
Soon we just might be history
Signs keep adding up; I think I’m waking up
I’m not just paranoid; I’m not alone
I went to a bank to use the cash machine
What happens when those cash machines all shut down?
I went to Al Gore. He said Earth’s life support
Has nearly been destroyed – no cure can be found
Sometimes I think this world’s asleep
Keep your eyes on the Middle East
Signs keep adding up; I think I’m waking up
I’m not just paranoid; I’m not alone
Christ will soon return, so you’d better know God
Bible References:
Matthew 24
J’s Journal:
This world’s a crazy place. People ask me sometimes
if I think Jesus is coming back in my lifetime. I don’t
know when He’s coming back. Jesus said that even
He didn’t know, only the Father (Matthew 24:36).
People have been speculating about when Christ
would return ever since He first ascended into
Heaven. But I do know two things: Every day that
goes by brings us one day closer to that day. And
we’ll all have to face Him someday, so in a sense
He’s coming back at the end of my lifetime, whether
I meet Him in the air or in the afterlife.
125
Parody of:
“Cat Scratch Fever” by Ted Nugent
Ted Nugent
Bible References:
Luke 12:49, Revelation 3:15-16, Acts 4:23-31
Well, I don’t when He’s comin’, but the Lord will come
I hope He’s comin’ for me
And He says that if we’re lukewarm then He’ll just spit us out
In Revelation Chapter 3
We need to catch that fever! Catch that fever!
Well, He told them go into the into the world, but they didn’t go
He prob’ly wondered what they were waitin’ for
Then the church got persecuted and the next thing you know
They busted open all the doors
Acts kind of fever! Catch that fever!
Listen to Jesus! He said He came to bring a fire to the earth
Wish it was started, a long time ago
What do you think about His words?
Have you ever really burned?
LEAD
Well, the church was gettin’ kicked around in Acts chapter 4
They got together and prayed
And they asked the Lord for boldness to go preachin’ His word
I think we need that today
J’s Journal:
Jesus likes members of His church to be excited about
the Gospel. As He says to the church in Laodicea in
Revelation 3:15-16: “I know your deeds, that you
are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either
one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm –
neither hot nor cold – I am about to spit you out of
my mouth.” Another one of His surprising quotes is in
Luke 12:49: ”I have come to bring fire on the earth,
and how I wish it were already kindled!”
126
Parody of:
“Cat Scratch Fever” by Ted Nugent
Ted Nugent
Bible References:
Luke 12:49, Revelation 3:15-16, Acts 4:23-31
Well, I don’t when He’s comin’ but the Lord will come
I know He’s comin’ for me
And He told us if we’re lukewarm then He’ll just spit us out
In Revelation Chapter 3
Well, the first time that they caught it they were gettin’ real bold
Went out into the city and explored
And they ran into some problems then in Acts chapter 4
They prayed and caught it some more
This stuff is dangerous – I feel your pain
Why go to church ashamed?
You know the Gospel, don’t you? You go in His name
It makes you grow in Christ, Christ
When you’re facin’ the flames
Well, I ain’t a pushy person – I’m just a shy man
I know that blessed are the meek
But I know just where to go when I need to make a stand
The Holy Spirit I seek
He helps me
CHORUS
J’s Journal:
With the advent of the muscle guitars of the TNT
line-up, we brought this song back for our live shows
and recorded it live on CD in 2009. The theme,
title, and chorus remained the same – inspired in
part by the old “Baseball Fever – Catch It!” ads,
which debuted in the late 1970’s (as did the song
we spoofed here) – but we souped up the verses,
especially the second and third ones, to more closely
match the rhyme scheme of Nugent’s original. With
the second verse’s reference to the early postPentecost preaching, persecution, and prayers of
the Apostles, it was natural to have it follow up
the song “The Boys Aren’t Backin’ Down” both
in concert (as the encore – a suggestion by Tom
Tincha) and on the CD of the same name. The third
verse of this 2009 version is very autobiographical.
Despite my stage persona, “I ain’t a pushy person –
I’m just a shy man,” and I would tend to err on the
side of meekness. But when it’s time to take a stand
on something, I know the Holy Spirit will give me
courage and the right words to say.
127
Cemetery Came Alive
Parody of:
“Semi-Charmed Life” by Third Eye Blind
Stephan Jenkins
Bible References:
Matthew 27:51-53
J’s Journal:
Did you know that Jesus wasn’t the only one to
bodily rise from the dead after the Crucifixion? The
Bible says that after He gave up His spirit on the
cross, the veil of the Temple was torn in two, an
earthquake occurred, and “The tombs broke open
and the bodies of many holy people who had died
were raised to life. They came out of the tombs, and
after Jesus’ resurrection they went into the holy
city and appeared to many people” (Matthew 27:5253). Notice that it doesn’t say they were ghosts,
but that their bodies were raised to life! That littleknown part of the story is recounted in this song.
This portion of the Bible gives Jehovah’s Witnesses
some trouble, because it clearly shows bodily
resurrection. I started writing this song in 1998 and
had the chorus and a bit of the verses, but the vast
majority wasn’t written until early 2012. The third
verse makes reference to another one of our songs
about the Resurrection, “You May Be Bright,” kind
of like the Beatles’ “Glass Onion” makes reference to
“Strawberry Fields Forever” and “I Am the Walrus.”
He’s back and I’m hopin’ you’ll find Him
He’s livin’, He’s comin’, He lives for me
Says that we should teach the nations about His salvation
Jesus died and He rose – I believe
And it makes me smile, hope it does for you
To 27 Matthew come and we’ll review
Jesus died and then the earth moved
Temple curtain was ripped and then divided in two
When it seemed as though things were gonna get worse
Brothers came alive that belonged in a hearse
There’s a lot of people in their graves
Who came out and they was raised, I said
That was something else – When every Jewish cemetery came alive, baby, baby
That was something else – And now Christians ain’t afraid ... to die
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do
He died and rose, listen folks – You should take a tip from a dude who knows
And I wish I could get back there someplace after
Violently the earth began to shake
Soon the curse of death was lifted off us in its wake
It broke rocks – The folks in town where in shock
When the stiffs that had risen went out for a walk
‘Cause when they jumped up they took a trip around the city
And went up to men and then went up to Heaven and
Now we’ll all go back there too
The place with all those who sleep in Christ who
Followed our Savior up unto – The place where He went
CHORUS
I believe that the man named Jesus rose
I preach ‘cause it’s real and not just a feeling
I believe and my faith it grows – And before I close, you may be bright
But when it’s the truth, it’s real
And I could die and I would be all right, all right
And when complaints come in from anyone nasty
Who tell us that it’s just an idiot myth on the verge of being a lie
Now I shrug ‘cause truth survives though they choose to carry out jealous threats
Scornin’ Jesus and bustin’ heads – That little-read passage in Matthew says
That up around the bend we’ll break out of our caskets
Sprung – not as zombies or as ghost men
But as something that’s more than human forevermore
If I get buried underground – Not scared, I’m not goin’ down – oh, no
My Lord’s runnin’ my life
He’s got my tombstone knocked down with a smile and I will be all right, all right
That was something else when He gave you His life, baby
That was something else and now Christians ain’t afraid ... to die
To die, to die, to die!
He died and rose, listen folks – You should take a tip from a dude who knows
In the twenty-seventh chapter – The Gospel of Matthew
Is the place where you should start
128
Cheap Birds
Parody of:
“Free Bird” by Lynyrd Skynyrd
Allen Collins & Ronnie Van Zant
Bible References:
Matthew 6:26-34, 10:29-31; Luke 12:6-7, 12:24-32
J’s Journal:
This song about God’s provision is based on two
illustrations Jesus used involving birds in Luke 12.
Jesus noted that birds were sold very cheaply in
the marketplace, but were still worth something
to God, and yet we were worth much more. Since
Lynyrd Skynyrd had hits with both a studio and a
live version, we thought it was only appropriate that
we should release both a studio and a live version. I
wrote this sometime around 1996, I think, but it had
to wait its turn to make it onto CD.
You do not need to fear tomorrow
Would you still remember please
That God must keep track of sparrows
And there’s so many ravens God’s got to feed
But if God takes care of bluebirds
He’ll bless you and me the same
Cause I’m not cheap like a bird now
And I’m born for better things
And I’m worth more than odd change
And I’m worth more than I think
The Lord knows everything
I find faith from listenin’ to Jesus – yeah, yeah
When nervous feelings I can’t shake
So please don’t take this for granted
Cause the Lord knows all your needs
But this Bible states here in Luke 12
He’ll get food for me today
Cause I’m not cheap like a bird now
And I’m born for better things
And I’m worth more than odd change
And I’m worth more than I think
The Lord knows everything
The Lord helps me – find the way
Oh, night and day
The Lord provides – for cheap birds, yeah
129
(Check Out) the Book
Parody of:
“The Look” by Roxette
Per Gessle
Bible References:
2 Peter 3:15-16
God has got a plan, and He always had it
He’s revealed it to man – very, very simple
If you wanna find out – check out the Book
Heaven is found in between the covers
Take a look around; is there any other
Book that’s like the Bible? Check out the Book
Check out the Book, Check out the Book
How can the world just say the Bible isn’t true
They never think to read the Book the whole way through
But we say, na na na na ... Check out the book!
Existentialist people’ve never read it
But there’s just one way,
So they reach a dead end
Should have got the map out – check out the Book
Make your arguments, but I recommend
Before you take your stance, make sure that you’ve read it
Study for the test, man – check out the Book
Try to understand: you can go to Heaven
It’s a sure-fire plan, guaranteed forever
What are you afraid of? Check out the Book
J’s Journal:
I personally have found that the people who criticize
the Bible the most are often the ones who’ve read
it the least! Oh, they’ve read about it, but they
often haven’t spent much time reading the actual
Bible, and if they have, it hasn’t been with an open
mind. Believe it or not, when we first recorded this
parody, we thought it was rather modern. After all,
the original song was a hit in 1989, and we recorded
the parody only five years later. :)
130
Child King
Parody of:
“Wild Thing” by Tone Loc
Young MC
Bible References:
Luke 2:8-20, Isaiah 1:18
J’s Journal:
We’ve shared the Christmas story from a shepherd’s
perspective before, but this is probably the funniest.
However, it concludes with an extremely serious
point: Jesus didn’t stay a cute and cuddly baby …
He grew up to die an ugly and bloody death. And
that’s one of the reasons why so many more people
get into Christmas than Easter. But without Christ’s
death and resurrection, His birth wouldn’t have
done us much good. When we selected this as a
song for Handheld Messiah, all I had was the title,
so it was an exercise in faith to start recording the
instrumental part and believe God would provide
the lyrics. He came through, of course. This song
was primarily written while talking very long
walks around my neighborhood. Yeshua!
Work with all the sheep – that’s my prime source of money
So when the sheep get dumb I can go and I find where they’re runnin’
Most were sound asleep – I saw this curly sheep was jumpy
In the blink of an eye, she got mesmerized and went to discover something
Went to use my shepherd’s crook, she headed for the briars
I said, “There’s something goin’ on, baby girl” and “I’m gonna find ya”
She took a little spill and fell – she slipped, poor little thing
I went to free my sheep in her moment of need
And that led us to the Child King – Child King – Child King
Shocking as it was, looking awesome, way up high
I saw this person it was not some bird but if he had to he just might fly
He looked at me, “A child,” he said, “that God sent is born tonight”
‘Cause there’s hope for thee, I bring goodwill and peace and news of Christ
So I turned into a mouse – I think that dude could hover
I feared before but yo, here’s some more – I looked up and there were some others
I didn’t know what to say – all those angels on the wing
But they sang a tune – and I was quite moved
And I left to view the Child King – Child King
I left to view the Child King – Child King – Please, baby, baby, please
You’d possibly expect they’d bling Him out with all this hype
But when me and the crew went to his digs – He wasn’t really the rich-guy type
Saw this precious little babe cryin’, lyin’ on a bed of straw
This sweet young miss, though, gave Him a kiss
And I knew that she was His ma
She took us to their living room – it was part outside
He didn’t glow but He fit the profile – I made up my own mind
I couldn’t get Him off my thoughts – It was … a dramatic thing
But that’s what happened to a lot of us after
From viewin’ the Child King – Child King
We went to view the Child King – Please, baby, baby, please
Child King!
You know that Kid’ll grow and I mean no disrespect
But sometimes some Christians want Him to stop
So they’re spared His blood and death
They want Him to come and stay – A cute and little prince
But if He’s still a child He can’t save you later, and forgive your sins
So when there’s snow at Christmas – Let’s look at it another way
Our sins are whiter than snow because He took the toll we weren’t prepared to pay
He was all alone when He set the tone when they killed Him one spring
He needed to be older to make you holy
‘Cause a babe can’t do that kind of thing
Save us? Yo, suffering’s not for kiddies
That swaddlin’ babe? Just wait about 30 years
Catch Him at Easter, baby
Child King!
131
Choirboy
Parody of:
“Cowboy” by Kid Rock
R.J. Ritchie, M. Shafer, J. Trombly & J. Travis
Bible References:
Matthew 21:42, Mark 12:10, Luke 20:17,
Psalm 118, Isaiah 28:16
J’s Journal:
This is a true story glitzed up with colorful phrasing.
I really was a choirboy, and it started around fourth
grade when my friend Bob Mignon convinced me to
try out for the choir. He was so cool he even had
a real working Star Trek phaser at home. At least
that’s what he told me. Funny thing is he didn’t
stick around in choir long, and I stayed with the
choir for quite a few years. Even through college,
people in my life saw me as the choirboy type,
but inside, I knew what my heart was really like.
God did, too, but He still saved me. I originally
considered calling this song “Plowboy” and writing
it about the prophet Elisha. Years later, I found out
that Cledus T. Judd went in that direction for his
parody. I got the idea for “Choirboy” while sitting
at a Burger King in Zelienople PA. I couldn’t wait
to tell my wife about it. I got a speeding ticket (and
an earful from an angry Illinois state trooper) while
working on this parody and driving the band van and
trailer through Illinois on the way to a concert in
South Dakota. I learned two things: 1. Illinois has
a 55-speed limit if you’re hauling a trailer. 2. Don’t
work on songs while driving a 15-passenger van and
trailer; it makes you weave too much.
Well I’m uh back in the fourth grade and I’m uh 10 I guess
When weird women thought we kids all lived to take tests
Kinda kept to myself – real shy kid
I liked old rock songs and the pop’lar hits
There was a kid talkin’ ‘bout a choir they got
Said a lot of the spots were not locked because
The guy who taught with the choir was still fillin’ the rows
And lots of kids couldn’t sound the notes
And he told me it’s fun to sing with the choir
Get known as a kid that God set apart
Said to me you wanna? I’m gonna go
Try out for the choir fella you should come along
Start attendin’ church service in robes just like Jesus
And get a spot in the Four Tops or Four Seasons
That rocks! Cause I’m a real good voice
And I’m takin’ that test, sucka, because
I’m gonna be a choirboy baby
With a top 10 smash and the nuns all smiling
(Choirboy baby) Guess who’s chillin’ with the boys’ choir
(I’m gonna be a choirboy baby)
Shinin’ my light while the people pray
(Choirboy baby) A cappella singer from a higher plane
I let him hear my little vocals and he said, “You’re in”
I go “Ah ah ah ah ah” – I dusted my friend
Told him “You won’t do – there’s no gown in your size”
Well that’s his loss – my gown it fits fine
They told me “Believe in Jesus Christ”
I’ll get Him after this part of my exciting life
Cause if I time this right I’m gonna make like a Beach Boy
And let California girls know why they all need a choirboy baby
Better stop that act everyone’s not buyin’
(Choirboy baby) Just like Dylan with a good voice
(I’m gonna be a choirboy baby)
Hidin’ my life while I seem O.K.
(Choirboy baby) I can tell a fib with a smiley face
Yeah it rocked – you can call me “blessed”
Only something’s missin’ and I gotta confess
Seems the sin that’s in my head is growin’ wild and fast
And it’d get this kid kicked right out of Mass
No kidding I’m sittin’ in church gettin’ real bored
Call the cops ‘cause I’m lost
Where’s the cross and the Lord?
Felt remorse and embarrassed and I tried to get right
Felt like hangin’ down my head and hangin’ up my life (Huh!)
Got famous – rocked the eleventh grade ‘cause
Director picked me for my senior play yes
Got to wear make-up – rock band came up
132
Choirboy (cont.)
Parody of:
“Cowboy” by Kid Rock
R.J. Ritchie, M. Shafer, J. Trombly & J. Travis
They told me sing lead but then the band breaks up
Pride had got a grip on me
Robbed me of the sort of faith I’d need
I didn’t know Jesus – I just would beg Him for favors
Finally straight out of college I made Him my Savior
Now life’s a pleasure – this guy’s legit
I’d always heard that Christians were radical idiots
I make it my biz to dispel that notion
And keep on trustin’ Him with all my devotion
(Choirboy) with a rock band that’s into song rewritin’
(Choirboy) spend all my time at finding words that rhyme
(Choirboy) ridin’ at night cause the gigs I play
(Choirboy) might be held at 800 miles away
(Choirboy) with ApologetiX backin’ the songs I’m rhymin’
(Choirboy) with a top 10 smash and the Son’s inside me.
Bible References:
Matthew 21:42, Mark 12:10, Luke 20:17,
Psalm 118, Isaiah 28:16
J’s Journal:
(see previous page)
133
Choose Your Daddy
Parody of:
“Who’s Your Daddy” by Toby Keith
Toby Keith
Bible References:
John 5:17-23, 6:44, 8:19, 8:38-59; Luke 16:13-15
J’s Journal:
Jesus said a man couldn’t serve two masters, God
and mammon. He also said whoever wasn’t for Him
was against Him, and that anyone who loves the
Father must also love the Son. So, if you don’t choose
God as your father through Christ, you’re choosing
another daddy. See John chapter 8 for more details.
Part of this song was written on July 5, 2003, driving
through Tennessee with my family on the way
between concerts in North Carolina and Kentucky.
Well, here He comes knockin’ on your side door baby
Yeah, the Son of God’s on your side
I guess He called ya but ya’ll weren’t home for the hundredth time
Yeah, you look in Christ’s Book right after Luke in John 8:1 through 59
It ain’t so hard to find
The place He said you’re either in the faith or sons of Belial
You read on, it’s really tough to debate it
Don’t you get it?
Yeah, I think He’s waiting in the sky for you
You know, our Father up in Heaven
Choose your daddy, choose your savior
Choose somebody who’s your friend
And choose the one God who you’ll come runnin’ to
When all the world’s lies start crumblin’
Your god’s your money, but God the Son, He
Says come to me; get saved from sin
Choose your daddy – who’s your faith in?
Is it God or is it mammon?
You either belong to God above or to Satan
Which is it? Well, don’t you get it?
If you wait then Satan decides for you
You know you gotta become repentant
Choose your daddy, choose your savior
Choose somebody, yeah, who’s your friend
And choose the one God that you’ll come runnin’ to
Yeah, when the world’s lies start crumblin’
He’s God Almighty; just say, “Alrighty
Let’s make it real the way You planned”
Choose your daddy – who’s your faith in?
Is it God or is it man?
Choose your daddy – Luke 16 says
It’s in God or it’s in mammon
134
Christ in the Stable
Parody of:
“Cat’s in the Cradle” by Harry Chapin
Harry Chapin & Sandy Chapin
Bible References:
Matthew 1:18-2:23, Luke 2:1-20
J’s Journal:
Joseph lovingly recounts the birth of Christ, the
presentation of the baby in the Temple, the visit
of the Wise Men, and his own final thoughts as he
prepares to die before seeing his foster son fulfill
His mission. I started getting the words for the
first verse while visiting my in-laws in Kentucky in
July 2013, and I got most of the second and third
verses during a trip to the Pittsburgh Zoo in August.
I didn’t know for sure how it was going to end, but
I knew it had to be poignant with a twist, like the
original. The elusive fourth verse finally came to
me while mowing my lawn. I am so grateful to God
for the way it all came together. Our child arrived just the other day
He came to the world as the Truth and the Way
But they were trained to catch and kill the babe
We learned to watch out and run away
But He was born before they knew it or had a clue
I said, my son will be like You, God – I know He’s gonna be like You
And the Christ’s in the stable ‘cause they filled the rooms
Little boy, who are You? Man, if they knew!
When they gonna know that? I don’t know when
But we’ll get to Heaven then
You know we’ll have a good time then
Our son went to temple the other day
I said, Thanks for the boy, God – His mom just prayed
Then two people who showed up had a lot to say
And they were prophets, too, I said that’s so strange
And they walked away, but they smiled as they did, I said
My goodness, they liked Him, yeah – You know, they really seemed to like Him
And the Christ in the stable will fulfill them soon
When they gonna know that? I don’t know when
But we’ll get to Heaven then
You know we’ll have a good time then
Well, they came a-callin’ just the other day
Such nice wise men, I just had to say
Wondered how they knew and brought gifts for the child
Just look, they said, overhead, with a smile
Well, it’s really quite rad but we followed the star’s beams
To see the leader that its advent means
And the Christ in the stable will fulfill them soon
When they gonna know, Son? I don’t know when
But we’ll get to Heaven then, yeah
I know we’ll have a good time then
My lungs seem so tired, my son’s come of age
I call Him “son” for His mother’s sake
I said, I’d like to see You fulfill those signs
Except my health’s too bad – Look like it’s time to die
You see, I knew God could handle anything You’ll go through
But it’s sure nice watchin’ Him do that – It’s been sure nice adoptin’ You too
And as I run up to go into eternity
Jehovah, yes, I see – My boy looks just like Thee
And the Christ in the stable will be killed real soon
When they gonna know the Son? I don’t know when
But they’ll get to Heaven then, yeah
They’re gonna have a good time then
135
Christ’s Wedding
They will insist that God’s one true Son
May have been hitched to Mary Magdalene
Hey, use the Scriptures to refute them and
They will resist and choose just what they want
Hey, they resisted God’s Son
Parody of:
“White Wedding” by Billy Idol
Billy Idol
Bible References:
Revelation 19:6-21; Matthew 9:14-15, 22:1-14,
25:1-13; Mark 2:18-20; Luke 5:33-35; John 3:29
J’s Journal:
Was Jesus secretly married to Mary Magdalene?
No, but He has chosen a bride (Revelation 19 and
21) and has a big wedding planned (Matthew 22
and 25). Although the rebels yell, to get into Christ’s
wedding you need to be a lover of the Truth and
forsake idols. For more info, you should read the
Book that rocked the cradle of civilization. And if
you’ve already read the Bible cover to cover, it’s a
nice day to … start again! Seriously, all the pesudointellectual speculation set off by the Da Vinci Code
craze drove me crazy. I touched on that briefly in the
song “Stupid’s Stronghold” in 2008, but it was nice
to have a chance to address it in more detail. Back
in college, I bought an electric bass and attempted
to learn to play it. The first song I was ever (sort of)
able to play and sing at the same time was “White
Wedding.” How good was I? Well, let’s just say you
should be very thankful that it’s Keith Haynie playing
bass on this track and not yours truly. Maybe I’ll
write another Billy Idol parody someday about
why it’s a good idea to just have me concentrate
on singing. I could called it “Wise Without a Bass.”
Here’s what I’d say to startle them:
“It’s a nice day for Christ’s wedding”
It’s a nice way to startle them
Hey, little Christian, who will the Lord wed?
(Ooh ooh ooh)
Page through the Scriptures, quote your passages
(Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh)
Read Revelation 19:6-9
Read Revelation chapter 21
Verse 9 and 10 will shock them
“It’s a nice day for Christ’s wedding”
It’s a nice way to startle them! Oh!
LEAD
Pick it up! Take the Bridegroom’s Word
Hey, little Christian, God’s one true Son
(Ooh ooh ooh)
Gave us a list to do before He comes
(Go into all of the world and tell everyone)
Christ’s been away for so long (So long)
Christ’s wedding day will still come (Still come)
Christ let you know so hold on
“C’mon, it’s a nice day for Christ’s wedding”
It’s a nice way to startle them! Oh!
There is not just one single girl
He marries all men saved from this world
And there’s nothing pure on this earth
But the sovereign Lord loves His church
And He’s comin’ back, so let’s work
Startle them!
C’mon, it’s a nice day for Christ’s wedding!
Whoa! It’s a nice way to – startle them!
It’s a nice way to – startle them!
It’s a nice way to – startle them!
136
Christians Doin’ Music
Parody of:
“Listen to the Music” by The Doobie Brothers
Tom Johnston
Bible References:
Psalms 96:1, 100:1
J’s Journal:
This was one of our earliest attempts to sing a song
about who we are, what we do, and why we do it.
The opening line, “Practice in the basement, each
Monday,” is a reference to what we did every Monday
from 1990-98. Ironically, I think this parody was
written during one of those Monday-night practices
in Jeff Pakula’s basement. I did some dreadful
harmonies on this song. We take a whole day now
to record vocals for a song or two, whereas we used
to take a day or two for a whole album!
Practiced in the basement each Monday
We sure knew an awful lot of tunes
But we had to find a way; we had a lot of things to say
What the music needs is a way to take the style
And change a word or two with some knowhow
Gotta get the message, put a song to it
We’re in the world, but we’re not of it now
Ohhh ... Christians doin’ music
Ohhh ... Christian music
Ohhh ... Christians doin’ music ... for the times.
There are words – you know better
Than the Word of God
‘Cause you’ve heard them in your favorite song
We can take that, change it all around.
Oh, we gotta play that rockin’ sound
If that all sounds good to you
And you see the way we see
There ain’t nothin’ this old group can’t play
Grab your Bibles, pick yourself a line
Oh, we’re gonna play it one more time
CHORUS
From the harp of little David
Playin’ maskils and the psalms
To the crowd in Revelation
People praisin’, trumpets playin’
While the world sings a song to God!
CHORUS
137
Christmasnite
Parody of:
“Kryptonite” by Three Doors Down
B. Arnold, M. Roberts & T. Harrell
Bible References:
Matthew 2:1-12
I left my buddies laughin’ somewhere in the sand behind
I watch the world glow to the dark light of the moon
I see another light in view
I walk the world but to a star’s light not the moon
After all I knew it had to be something to do with You
I really don’t mind not havin’ my old friends
As long as You’ll meet me in Bethlehem
If I’m a crazy man, well, You still called me through the sand
If I’m a wise man, well, then You prepared the gold in my hand
I’ll keep Your light in sight, with my search for You, it’s like
Christmas night
You called me strongly from the East
But still, Lord Jesus, I’m no king
You took this planet by surprise whenever You came down
You stunned all them in Bethlehem
I caught Your beacon to these men
I picked it up and took my map and started out
CHORUS
J’s Journal:
Is this is a Christmas song from the perspective of
one of the wise men, or is it an allegory from a modern
believer who chooses to follow Christ? Any way you
slice it, wise men still seek Him, and this message
is pertinent year ‘round. I remember working on
this song on the way to the old Blockbuster video
store in Bellevue, PA with my wife, Lisa. I knew
it was going to be about the wise men, but I was
thinking of the star and the title “Christmas Light.”
Lisa suggested “Christmasnite,” which sounded
even more like “Kryptonite,” so I went with that.
Scholars speculate that the wise men could have
arrived to see Jesus up to two years after He was
born (the Bible says they visited Him at the house,
and Herod ordered that all male babies age two and
under be killed, “in accordance with the time he had
learned from the magi”). However, when we used
to play this song live in concert, we’d speculate
that perhaps the wise men arrived in Bethlehem
on time but got lost, couldn’t find the manger, and
were actually Three Doors Down.
138
Clothing Time
Parody of:
“Closing Time” by Semisonic
Dan Wilson
Bible References:
Genesis 3:7-24, 1 Corinthians 15:42-58,
2 Corinthians 5:1-10
J’s Journal:
When Adam and Eve gave into temptation, they
had no one else to blame. The forbidden fruit
looked delicious, but eating it created a great divide
between God and man. Obviously, God wasn’t
completely pleased with their falling into sin, but
it didn’t surprise Him, either. In fact, He’d already
had the plan of salvation all worked out. Semisonic
only had one song that ever hit Billboard’s Hot 100,
so you probably didn’t appreciate all of the other
song titles I worked into the first four sentences of
this journal entry. As soon as I got the parody title
for this song, I just knew I had to write lyrics for
it. I thought it was cool to contrast the way Adam
and Eve were clothed (first with fig leaves, then
animal skins) after the Fall with the way believers
will be clothed (with imperishable immortality)
when Christ comes to get us, as Paul explains in
1 Corinthians 15:53-54. We released this song on
October 25, 2015, along with “Keep on Loving
Ruth.” That made for interesting combination –
two famous biblical couples heading in opposite
directions – Adam and Eve vs. Ruth and Boaz.
Clothing time
Opened up the garden and sent you out into the world
Clothing time
Turned down God’s advice, turned over every boy and every girl
Clothing time
One man’s fall will bounce us all, ‘cause sin is a risky affair
Clothing time
You both have your clothes on, but you can’t stay there
I know you don’t want the naked truth
I know you don’t want the naked truth
I know you don’t want the naked truth – naked truth
Clothing time
Time for you to go out in disgrace to the filthy slums
Clothing time
Eden won’t be open till your promised Lord and Savior comes
So grab your leather jackets – you’ve lost future access
But hope will be found again
Clothing time
Yes, while you are sinning someone’s coming to make sinning end – Yeah!
I know Who will come to take me home
Take me home
Clothing time
Time for us to go, First Corinthians 15 verse 51
Take me home
Clothing time
Yes, while you are sinning someone’s coming who’ll make sinning end
139
Come for Some
She calls men, “Try some wisdom,” as they pass
I guess they don’t want none ‘cause they’re passin’ her by
But those who’d like to receive it from her should just go ask
All that’s known will be shown and fill the ones who call
I have wisdom – come for some – foolish world
I have wisdom – come for some – you’ll find pearls
Parody of:
“Cumbersome” by Seven Mary Three
Jason Ross & Jason Pollock
Bible References:
Proverbs 8:1-9:6
J’s Journal:
The name of the group who performed the song
we spoofed here sounds like a Bible verse: Seven
Mary Three. But this parody comes from Proverbs
8-9, a passage which personifies wisdom and folly
as women who stand in stark contrast to each
other – one seeking to save and the other seeking to
destroy. I wrote this one back in ’96 or ’97 for our
drummer at the time, Bob Flaherty, who was a big
fan of the original. Four drummers and 17 years later,
we finally got around to recording and releasing it.
I’d like you to read – we can check the Bible fast
Don’t reject God’s wisdom – will you face the facts?
But your stone-cold faith just seems to make you frown
You pretend you’re busy – turn the offer down
I have wisdom – come for some – foolish world
I have wisdom – come for some – you’ll find pearls
Whoever delights in learning what’s right
Should come and get wise here tonight
Come for some
You rich and you poor
No money compares with the love of the Lord
Come get a taste of some wisdom
Oh yeah – but no one comes – no, no, no yeah
There is a challenge between two girls
That every man will come across
The harlot and the valiant
One has wisdom, one has none
Read seven through nine – those chapters you’ll find
In Proverbs describe – death and life
As persons
Choose wisdom who’s pure
Still folly will catch anyone who ignores
The invitation to come for some
So, yeah, don’t say no
Don’t say no, yeah
Don’t say no, no, yeah
If your life lacks wisdom, come for some
140
Come on, Heal the Boy
Come on, heal the boy! First lock the doors!
He’ll get wild, wild, wild – wild, wild, wild
So you think I’ve got an evil child – tell his mummy
We both know why, we both know why
So I think a demon’s down inside – it makes him grumpy
It won’t go fly, It won’t go fly – help me, Lord – don’t go!
Parody of:
“Cum On Feel the Noize” by Quiet Riot
Noddy Holder & Jim Lea
Bible References:
Mark 9:14-29, Matthew 17:14-21, Luke 9:37-45
J’s Journal:
The man’s son was in critical condition, foaming
at the mouth, gnashing his teeth, throwing himself
to the ground, and forcing others to run for cover.
Modern-day skeptics might think it was a matter of
mental health, but his father knew he wasn’t crazy;
it was demon possession. Although the evil spirit
had robbed his son of speech, the man wouldn’t
keep quiet about it, and he begged Jesus for help.
For the breathless conclusion to our story, listen to
the song and check out Mark 9:14-29, Matthew
17:14-21, and Luke 9:37-45. We released this Quiet
Riot spoof together with a parody of “Peaceful,
Easy Feeling,” and called the combination Peace
and Quiet. It was our final single of 2014 and came
out on December 28, 2014. Yes, I know Slade did
this song first, but Quiet Riot’s version was the hit
in the United States, and I like it better. However,
for what it’s worth, I prefer Slade’s version of
“Mama Weer All Crazee Now” over Quiet Riot’s.
So come on, heal the boy! First lock the doors!
He’ll get wild, wild, wild – wild, wild, wild
He’ll get wild, wild, wild – getting wiiiiiiiild!
Though you think I’ve got a puny faith – I’m just so worried
And we both know why, we both know why
I know my belief is out of shape – it’s been malnourished
And it won’t grow right, it won’t grow right – help me, Lord – no, don’t go!
He’ll get wild, wild, wild –wild, wild, wild
He’ll get wild, wild, wild – getting wild! C’mon!
LEAD
Well, I think that was amazing, Christ – my son’s all better
We both know why, we both know why
Don’t you think I oughta tell my wife – can I please go get her?
I won’t go cry, I won’t go cry – anymore – oh, nooooo
Someone healed the boy! It was the Lord!
He made my child mild – my child mild
Someone healed the boy! We’ll jump for joy!
We’ll get wild, wild, wild – getting wild!
C’mon! C’mon, Jesus!
You’re awesome! You’re awesome, Lord
(It’s just wild, wild, wild) We’re gonna expound
(Wild, wild, wild) We’re gonna set out to find
(Someone healed the boy!) Mark and Luke 9
(We’ll jump for joy!) It’s just wild, wild, wild
Oh yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
141
Come Out and Pray
Parody of:
“Come Out and Play” by The Offspring
Dexter Holland
Bible References:
2 Chronicles 7:14
J’s Journal:
This is a song about the misuse of the term
“separation of church and state” and the
consequences that occur when a nation turns
its back on God. But there is still hope, as God
says in 2 Chronicles 7:14: “If my people, who are
called by my name, will humble themselves and
pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked
ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive
their sin and will heal their land.”
And students, the thing to remember about church and state ...
(You gotta keep ‘em separated!)
Don’t try to pray in the classroom
You can’t be spreading your faith
They turn our class into an atheist vacuum
While they’re separating church from the state
They can’t stand God, so they took Him out
Started back in ’62 and look at us now
They warn that government and God just don’t mix
You’re gonna have to stop, have to stop, have to stop, have to stop
Hey! Are you talkin’ ‘bout your faith?
Take him out! (You gotta keep ‘em separated)
Hey! Are you mixin’ church and state?
Take him out! (You gotta keep ‘em separated)
Hey! Don’t you see the rise
In murder, rape, teenage pregnancies and suicides?
Hey! Come out and pray!
Now it’s sex, drugs and violence – the American way
Crumble the morals and the government fails
Once God’s ousted, it’s a matter of fate
We’re goin’ down the same path as others before
Everyone from Sodom to the USSR
They never ever see it till it’s finally too late
You better find your own hope, find your own hope, find your own
Faith – Man, is this what’s left for me? Where to now?
(You gotta keep ‘em educated)
Hey! When they all grow up to be – criminals
(You gotta keep incarcerated)
Hey! I hope you don’t mind
Murder, rape, teenage pregnancies and suicides
Hey! Come out and pray!
The moral is the same ‘cause it’s happened before
Turn to Second Chronicles and turn to the Lord
In 7, verse 14, He says, “If My people pray ...”
They’re gonna finally know hope
Finally know hope, finally know hope, finally know
Hey! Man, there’s nothin’ to believe – where to know?
(You gotta keep ‘em motivated)
Hey! And the kids grow up to be animals!
(You gotta keep ‘em all sedated)
Hey! I hope you don’t mind
Murder, rape, teenage pregnancies and suicides
Hey! Come out and pray
142
Come to Father
Parody of:
“Come Together” by The Beatles
Bible References:
Matthew 6:1-15
Don’t become all flattered because
You do stuff stuff only to get
Viewed by rivals as one holy roller
You’ve got prayer down to a “T”
Got to keep it covert when you’re doing good deeds
Keep prayer clandestine
You should go and look till you’ve got
Someplace secret you can go to Father
Because He sees you secretly
Public pride can fail you if you’re not too discreet
Come to Father right now ... covertly
No big productions – He wants smallness from you
Because God knows what you need before you ask Him
He don’t need Thou’s and Thy’s and Thee’s
Told you if you’re honest; He’ll fulfill all your needs
Come to Father right now ... honestly
Pray Holy Father, way up there in Heaven
Let Your kingdom come and let your will be done and
Please forgive our sins, fulfill our needs
God, don’t lead us to temptation, save us from evil
Come to Father right now ... on your knees
J’s Journal:
This is a modernized version of the Lord’s Prayer
(or the “Our Father”) in Matthew 6. When I was a
kid, I loved the rock version of the prayer recorded
by Sister Janet Mead, which was a #4 hit in 1974.
Later, I got into the Beatles, so this parody is kind of
a combination of those early influences. The version
of this song on Rare Not Well Done, Vol. 1 was
recorded live at Lazarus’ Tomb in Arnold PA on March
9, 1996. It was originally released on a homemade
cassette called Beatleg in late 1996. An even-moreprimitive version with different lyrics appeared on
our second studio cassette, Want It Dead or Alive?,
released December 31, 1992. When the three
surviving Beatles reunited for the Anthology project
in late 1995, I wrote a ton of Beatles parodies in
hopes of us recording an all-Beatles project. We
attempted to make studio recordings of those songs
in 1996 but never got anything worth keeping. Some
of those songs have made it onto subsequent CDs.
Some others, including this one, made it onto our
Orchard Avenue downloads, a project spearheaded
by our newly retired guitarist Tom Milnes as his
parting gift to ApologetiX in early 2012.
143
Come, Whale, Away
Parody of:
“Come Sail Away” by Styx
Dennis DeYoung
Bible References:
Jonah 1-4
J’s Journal:
I first remember hearing the original Styx song while
in the car waiting for my parents to pick up my
mother’s new (used) car, a 1975 Vega, in late 1977.
Many years later, that would became the first car
I ever owned, although I did not become a Vegan.
I started messing around with this song in 2003, I
think, but I didn’t really seriously work on it till 2008.
We’d already done the story of Jonah in “Jonah
Jonah” years before, but this was an opportunity to
tell the story from Jonah’s perspective. I think I got
the lines “I’m sailing to Spain” and “Come, whale,
away with me” at about the same time, but the
thing that really sold me on this parody was when
I got to the instrumental section of the song and
thought about how it had that ethereal quality like
some film you’d see about underwater exploration.
Then, the keyboard horn parts came in, and I noticed
how similar they were to whale noises. Of course,
Hubie played that up to make the whale noises
even more realistic for our version.
I’m sailing to Spain
Yet I know the Lord has a work for me
But I’ve got to retreat
Or He might save the life of my enemies
A port back in Joppa – I climbed aboard
But misfortune followed – a deadly storm
And I defied the Lord on high – a scary thought
I’m pushed into the sea
I guess those windy waves spell the death of me
Some trip here I’ve had
I think of how this ends, and it seems real bad
But they had to throw me over
So the storm would go
And so now I’m kicked out of that rotten boat
But I’ll die just as I am – a scary thought
A rather big and strange whale
Appeared from up ahead
It swam to me and not the boat
I guess I’ll just play dead – play dead
Come, whale, away, come, whale, away
Come, whale, away with me, yeah
Come, whale, away with me
Come, whale, away with me, Jonah
Come, whale, away with me
I thought that great whale ate me
Much to my surprise
It’s nice and warm and doesn’t drip
I stayed there for three nights
144
Comeback
Parody of:
“Comedown” by Bush
Gavin Rossdale
Bible References:
Hebrews 9:27, 2 Corinthians 5:8, Luke 23:43
J’s Journal:
Christianity teaches that a man must be born
again. Some other religions teach that a man must
be born again and again and again – a continual,
repetitive cycle of birth, death, and rebirth. But the
Bible opposes reincarnation, stating that “people
are destined to die once, and after that to face
judgment” (Hebrews 9:27). The only way to face
that judgment and not be condemned is to trust in
the One who already paid for our sins with His own
life (Acts 20:28). I wrote “Comeback” in 1996-97
for the Ticked project, but we already had another
Bush parody, “Little Sins,” that we liked. So we set
“Comeback” aside for the time being, which turned
out to be about 17 years! Then it finally made a
comeback of its own on Apoplectic in 2014. “Little
Sins” and “Comeback” were spoofs of the second
and third hits from Bush’s breakthrough album,
Sixteen Stone. The first hit was “Everything Zen,” so
I thought it was appropriate to have one of our Bush
parodies address aspects of Buddhism/Hinduism. I
know this parody will offend some people, but I’m
not trying to mock Hinduism – just pointing out that
it’s not compatible with Christianity, while adding
my personal opinion that Christianity presents a
much more logical and pleasant alternative. As Bush
themselves said, “Everything Zen – I don’t think so.”
Karma’s great! You get it wrong
And you’re comin’ right back when you die
Re-carnate in a shape
That is there to take your place
No one knows who they were
What you’ll be depends on you
Gurus say this is true
And it all comes ‘round
But I don’t wanna come back as a big cow
I’d rather be born just twice and wind up as a sheep
And I don’t wanna come back as a pig now
That’s wasting an awful lot of ti-i-i-i-ime
There is no pain and no shame
When you pass the buck and blame
The more you come, the more you’ll try
Till you reach the great big void
Oh my my – such a future
To go from you to bein’ a creature
Do you think this is true
Well, I don’t know how
‘Cause I don’t wanna come back as a big cow
I’d rather be born just twice and wind up as a sheep
Yeah, yeah, yeah
That’s wasting an awful lot of ti-i-i-i-ime
LEAD
Shouldn’t, shouldn’t, put off your life
What a fate! You get it wrong
And you’re comin’ right back when you die
Keep on payin’ credit rates
You’ve deferred from past mistakes
No one can – pay their bills
Costly fees are chokin’ you
The gurus say, goo goo goo
Well, it’s all dumbed down
But I don’t wanna come back as a big cow
It’s taken me all this time to wind up as a sheep
Yeah, yeah, yeah
I’d make such an awful, awful swi-i-i-i-ine
145
Hey, church, watch what you’re doin’
Hey, church, ‘cause you’re gobbling communion
I don’t know why Corinthians like debauchery
But they like it a lot
Ah, don’t make me scold you
‘Cause I fear you’ll come to harm
Parody of:
“Communications Breakdown” by Led Zeppelin
John Bonham, John Paul Jones & Jimmy Page
Bible References:
Matthew 26:26-28, Mark 14:22-24, Luke 22:19-20,
J’s Journal:
Paul had a whole lotta love for the Corinthian
church, but they often acted dazed and confused
about the Christian life In this song, he warns them
not to eat the Lord’s Supper in an unworthy manner.
Released April 27, 2014, this parody was part of
our “Gimme Some Sign” EP. Tom Milnes played
guitar and bass on all three songs, which came
together in record time. We first decided to do the
songs on March 17. At the time, this was the only
one of the three that I had any lyrics for, and all I
had was the title, the opening line, and part of the
chorus! Nevertheless, I felt led to start working on
all three songs in faith, praying that if God wanted
us to do them, He would provide the lyrics. Two
days later, I had almost all the lyrics for “Some Sign
from Above.” The day after that, I had half the lyrics
for “Gimme Helper.” The following day, I got all the
lyrics for “Communion Ain’t Just Bread Now.” By
March 24, Jimmy had all the drums recorded. By
March 27, Tom had all his guitar, bass, and vocal
parts done. On March 28, I recorded vocals for
“Some Sign from Above” and “Gimme Helper,” and
on March 31, I recorded vocals for “Communion
Ain’t Just Bread Now.” So all three songs, including
the lyrics, were basically taken from start to finish
in two weeks’ time! “Gimme Helper” took slightly
longer, because Chris had to add piano on April
10, and Keely added her vocals on April 14. Wow!
Communion ain’t just bread now
That’s all that we’re sayin’
Have it in worthy ways now
Try to restrain
Hey, church, when God’s Son took the bread and wine, you know
He said – the wine would tell us that His blood would flow
His body broken like it was bread
I’m never gonna mess with those
Cause I might just die
Corinthians, get this straight now
Or I’ll be ashamed
11 in verse 28 now
I’m tryin’ to explain
The Loooooooooord’s Supper!
LEAD
That’s all that we’re sayin’
Have it in worthy ways now
Try to restrain
I want you to quote me on that
I want you to quote me on that
Whoa! Whoa!
I want you to trust me
I want you to learn
I want you to learn
Yeah, I want you to learn
Hey, I want you to learn
146
Complain
If your plans don’t work out
You start to shake and shout – complain
Yes, you moan on your couch
Like Oscar the Grouch – complain
She don’t like, he don’t like, we don’t like – complain
Parody of:
“Cocaine” by Eric Clapton
J.J. Cale
Bible References:
Numbers 11:1, 14:27; Hebrews 3:7-19;
If you get bad news
You ought to pray but you – complain
When your day is done
And it wasn’t fun – complain
If you’re really headstrong
And you wanna gripe on, OK
Don’t forget this fact
Israel way back – complained
Israelites, Israelites, Israelites – complained
J’s Journal:
Life has its ups and downs. Things may appear
wonderful tonight but awful after midnight. Still, the
Bible says the Lord can use adversity to accomplish
great things in our lives. It’s the way that you use it
that determines the outcome. Sometimes the hand
of God seems slow to act, but trust in His promises.
He can’t stand it when we complain. I think I got
the idea for this in early 2015. I knew I wanted
Tom Milnes to play it. Months later, after all the
tracks were recorded except mine, I realized that I
still needed lyrics for the verses. Ulp! God made up
for lost time, and all three verses came to me in a
matter of minutes while waiting at the bus stop for
my daughter Natalie. This song won’t change the
world, but after we released it, a fan in Louisiana
emailed and said, “When I got saved (as a volatile
pre-teen), I was on my way to school listening to
‘Cocaine.’ My mom looked at me and asked a simple
question, ‘Is this something that would help us walk
with Jesus?’ It was that instant that I made God
a vow to stop listening to secular music, and keep
it strictly Christ centered. As I got older, I was
constantly bombarded with secular music (a lot of
bands whose styles I loved). I started listening to
you guys because you help renew my mind with
Christ-centered lyrics to music styles that I love. So
here I am full circle, cocaine to complain. Once again,
thanks for being faithful to your calling,”
147
Corinthians
Parody of:
“In the End” by Linkin Park
Linkin Park
Bible References:
1 Corinthians 13, Song of Solomon 8:6-7
J’s Journal:
I got the idea for this song in the shower, and I
remember working on it right after we bought our
used 2000 Dodge Caravan, and also on the street
where my wife’s grandmother used to live. Some
Linkin Park fans have taken offense at the fact
that we spoofed “In the End.” They ask why we
felt it necessary to change the words to what they
consider to be a perfectly good song, both musically
and lyrically. We’re not saying that Linkin Park’s
original version is bad or immoral, although it is
pretty sad. The singer is bitter and despondent (“in
the end, it doesn’t really matter”) over his former
girlfriend/lover who treated him badly. In the end,
nobody wins in that song. When we decided to
spoof it, I thought about the song and how both of
them probably thought they had loved each other
at one time in the past, but in the end, neither one
really did; she treated him wrong, and he ends up
bitter with nothing really good to say about her. I
thought about our concept today of love and how
it’s so different from what the Bible says real
love is like. Real love is patient, kind, isn’t jealous,
doesn’t keep a record of wrongs, etc. It’s a startling
contrast and that makes for good parody. It starts with love
Young thing – I don’t know why
You didn’t read the letter our Lord supplied
With that in mind I revised this rhyme to explain to you guys all I know
Love is a wonderful thing
Watch the fly guys with the Benjamins sing
Watch the countdown that the MTV plays I got ticked by the way
It’s so unreal – Britney and Jennifer Lo
Watch the wardrobe – looks like a window
Tryin’ to hold on to itty bitty clothes
You pasted them on – this is not true love
I guess everything’s a hybrid breeding love and pride
In small jealous hearts
What it gets to be is essentially just a parody
Like this rhyme is of Linkin Park
You tried so hard – but love’s so far
Corinthians – it doesn’t even matter
If love’s too small – you lose it all
Corinthians – first letter, thirteenth chapter
Love waits – it’s also kind
It doesn’t envy, brag, or grow hard with pride
Keeps things polite, doesn’t like to fight
It denies itself, while it tries no harm
If I have the faith and philosophy
Acting like I was smarter than Socrates
And every language and tongue and prophecy
I could die and not go far
If at the stake they burned me or
I could’ve given every dime to many poor
If love’s lackin’ throw me back then
Buddy, Paul wrote that to Corinthians
It bears everything, besides, believes and hopes, abides
That Paul fella’s smart
Love he said to me will eventually keep no memory
Of your crimes ‘cause it finds no fault
CHORUS
It likes what’s just and true
Dislikes what’s unrighteous though
Failure is the only one thing it can’t know
The things that last are few
Just have faith and love and hope
From all these, there’s only one thing you need most
CHORUS
148
Cornelius
Parody of:
“Cecilia” by Simon & Garfunkel
Paul Simon
Bible References:
Acts 10
Cornelius – was favored by God
He prayed to Him constantly, daily
Oh, Cornelius was in the army
A pagan believer from Rome
Cornelius! An angel from God
Came straight to the spot he was praying
Oh, Cornelius! Acts 10 in verse 3
The angel said Peter must come to your home
Makin’ lunch in the afternoon
Where was Peter? Up on Simon’s roof
He went up on top to pray
And the Lord sent some men there to take him away
Cornelius said, “Hey, can we start?
“We’re waiting upon what you’re sayin’”
So Cornelius, fell down on his knees
But Peter said, “Please do not” so – he got up
True salvation! They trusted in Him
They called on the Lord there on that day
To the nations that once were in sin
God opened the doors there on that day
J’s Journal:
I first wrote this parody in the mid-1990’s, and it’s
ironic that shortly after we decided to finally put
it on Grace Period in 2002, the Newsboys released
a new CD (Thrive) which included a song with
the same title. But theirs is more of an allegory,
whereas ours is dealing with the literal story of
Cornelius, a Roman centurion who was the first
gentile convert to Christianity (Acts 10:1-48).
Before his conversion, Christianity was a faith that
seemed to be for Jews only. In fact, Acts 11 shows
what a controversy it created in the early church
when the Apostle Peter baptized Cornelius and his
household even though they were uncircumcised.
But soon it became apparent that Christianity was
for both Jews and Gentiles. It wasn’t intentional,
but it’s one of those little ironies that God allows
into our lives that the group that did the song we’re
spoofing here, Simon and Garfunkel, was made up
of two nice Jewish boys. To add to the confusion,
their first and third albums both contained
traditional Christian hymns. The germ of the idea for
this song came when we were goofing around with
the original, before ApologetiX was even called by
that name. Karl was being funny and sang “making
lunch in the afternoon” to clean up the lyrics. A few
years later, I remembered how the story in Acts 10
took place while Peter was waiting for his host to
make lunch, and the fact that “Cornelius” sounded
so much like “Cecilia” made it a cinch.
149
Cöstly Trüth
Parody of:
“Dr. Feelgood” by Mötley Crüe
Mick Mars & Nikki Sixx
Bible References:
Romans 6:23, Hebrews 11:25, 1 Timothy 5:6,
2 Corinthians 1:3-4
J’s Journal:
Mötley Crüe’s original was about a drug dealer
named “Rat-tailed Jimmy.” Ours (with Tinch on
guitars) is about a guy who left that lifestyle for
Christ and then went back to the streets to preach
the Gospel and to help others get clean. Now they
call him “Radical Jimmy.” I was talking to one of
our fans via email about this parody shortly after
I completed the lyrics, because I knew that fan’s
daughter had recently gone through struggles with
overcoming drug addiction, and I hoped it would
encourage him. He already knew about our song
“Addicted to Christ.” I didn’t give him specifics
about the new song, just the concept. He replied,
“Your new song is about my brother – addict in his
teens, drug and alcohol counselor in his late 20’s
until his mid 50’s.” Now, I knew that that fan had
a brother who’d died the previous year when a
truck pulled out in front of his motorcycle, but I’d
forgotten he’d been a drug and alcohol counselor,
and I didn’t know he’d been a user before that.
Then he added, “I have a new friend – I think God
gave him to me to replace my brother – that has
been clean 21 years, and his main life ministry is
helping addicts.” Since the song dealt with people
so similar to our fan’s new friend and late brother,
I replied, “I don’t suppose either of their names is
Jimmy? That’s the name of the guy in the song.”
And he responded: “My brother was Jim! I never
called him Jimmy, although my mom and aunt did.”
Radical Jimmy he’s been checkin’ that Book
He kneels down – now he’s hooked
Got his sister tryin’ to tell him he’s probably insane
Afraid to take the path he took
She saw him and he was running away
From the things he’d do in those days
But he’s goin’ really strong
With his medicine gone
That’s the thing she can’t explain
Hedonism tells us to feel good
Seekin’ only pleasure till we all die
Gee, it doesn’t like the deal’s good
The cost of the coroner’s always ignored
But somehow he’s gettin’ paid
Sin has got a price, we all have got a vice
God’ll pay it if we’re saved
God He did provide a way
That’s how Jimmy got saved
‘Cause his life was lost and found
So he took it to the street
Keepin’ on his feet
Calling sinners now
A season though is all that you’ll feel good
Hebrews 11:25
Christ’s got all the strength you’ll want to stand (Not just feel good)
He’s got what you’d call a grander plan (‘Cause it’s real good)
God can trample evil things underfoot (Like a steel boot)
Freedom from them causes us to feel good – oh yeah!
He’ll tell you here’s the key to me survivin’ those streets
Movin’ out and changed the locks
Can’t try that stuff ‘cause it’s never enough
Instead you better trust in God
True crime brews with drugs and booze
It’s time you full-out quit
Honey, you ain’t gonna drown
Jesus won’t allow it
This time you’re gonna swim
150
Cöstly Trüth (cont.)
Please, you want your doors locked and sealed good
He’s gonna see you sanctified
Parody of:
“Dr. Feelgood” by Mötley Crüe
Mick Mars & Nikki Sixx
Bible References:
Romans 6:23, Hebrews 11:25, 1 Timothy 5:6,
2 Corinthians 1:3-4
J’s Journal:
(see previous page)
Let Him save your soul – just take His hand (The offer’s still good)
Some people comment when we repent (But ya still should)
Let Him in the room He’ll help bring you through it (Not concealed goods)
He’s the holy Son of God – He’ll do it
LEAD
Tincha!
LEAD
(Spoken) For the wages of sin is death;
but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.
Hooh!
Christ’s got the strength you’ll want to stand
(Not just feel good)
He’s got what you’d call a grander plan
(‘Cause it’s real good)
God will trample evil things underfoot
(Like a steel boot)
Freedom from those old monsters feels good
Wow!
God can heal good (God can heal good)
151
Could He Choose You
Parody of:
“Goody Two Shoes” by Adam Ant
Adam Ant & Marco Pirroni
Bible References:
John 15:16, Titus 3:5, James 3:2
J’s Journal:
Are you good enough for God? Maybe you’re
desperate to be delivered from your sins, but do
you stand a serious chance of getting into Heaven?
Is there room at the top for you? The Bible says
all of the human beings since Adam have sinned,
except Jesus, but by His stripes we are healed.
He chooses us because of His goodness, not ours.
I can’t remember when I first got the idea for this
parody, but I know I already had the title and chorus
in April 2011 and strongly considered it for the
80’s medley on Wise Up and Rock. Well, whenever
it was, we were just following the Bible’s advice
when we spoofed Adam Ant. After all, Proverbs 6:6
does say, “Go to the ant, you sluggard; consider
its ways and be wise!” Special thanks to Hubie
for opening up his horns aplenty for this recording.
Great work by Tinch, Keith, and Jimmy, too. You
know, I bought the 45- rpm single of “Goody Two
Shoes” when it first came out, but I never noticed
that end of the song was the intro of “Jailhouse
Rock” until I was writing the rest of the lyrics in
July 2015. I recorded my vocals on August 3, and
we released the finished track on a single with
“I Dealt With You” on August 16.
Well, it’s so hard being chosen
So much you can’t try
It’s only Jesus’ grace that saves us
It surely ain’t ‘cause we’re good guys inside
If the Lord God spoke it
Just trust in the quote
Said the Savior knows you, chose you
I can tell you doubt though, now though
Could He choose, could He choose, could He, could He choose you
You don’t think, you don’t know – God’s using you
Somehow even when you fall though
God sees something inside
We all fall to passions
That’s the way it goes
You know that God has said that, read that
So everyone is in the same boat
Well, I saw what you needed
John 15:16
Open up your Bible, my bro
Read James 3:2 and Titus 3:5 please
Somehow in the end you’ll find out
Just keep trusting in Christ
No one’s gonna tell me that God is not right
Or tell me those that He’d pick we’d pick
The crowd rejected His child Jesus Christ
When God comes and tells you
You’re His then you are
‘Cause He’s the Lord who called out Gideon
Just think of David, Moses, and Paul
If the Lord God spoke it
Just trust in the quote
Said the Savior knows you, chose you
Why’d you go and doubt that now though?
152
Counting Blessings
Parody of:
“Counting Blue Cars” by Dishwalla
J.R. Richards, Rodney Browning, George
Pendergast, Scot Alexander & Greg Kolanek
Bible References:
Philippians 4:6-8, 1 Peter 5:7
J’s Journal:
In Philippians 4:8, the Apostle Paul writes,
“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever
is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure,
whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if
anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about
such things.” Ironically, he wrote that passage
from a jail cell. Based on his attitude of praise
throughout this epistle, he was practicing what he
preached! I wrote this song in January 1997, the
day the New England Patriots beat my beloved
Pittsburgh Steelers in the second round of the
AFC playoffs. It was a good opportunity for me to
start practicing what I preached! Unforutunately, I
wasn’t as good at it as Paul.
It must have been miraculous
Paul was jailed – but how come his smile wasn’t snuffed out?
He talked with the churches
In his letters, he would preach, we have
Many blessings – so fill your thoughts with good
He said
Focus all your thoughts on God
It tells me in Philippians 4
I must admit it’s tough to do
All our days there’s stuff that’s bringin’ us down
Think about only good thoughts
Skip the bad – and you’ll see, we have
He said
It’ll make your life much easier
And thank Him that you got this far
Cause the devil’s a deceiver
He’ll tell you life is very hard – It’s not very hard now
When getting low, lift up the praise
All our moods they are choices we must make
Our souls are saved
We are family – God’s own people, and have
CHORUS
153
Cousin Zephaniah
Parody of:
“Cuts Like a Knife” by Bryan Adams
Bryan Adams & Jim Vallance
Bible References:
The Book of Zephaniah
J’s Journal:
Zephaniah wrote one of the least-quoted books of
the Bible (aside from verse 3:17), but he’s more than
just the guy between Habakkuk and Haggai. There’s
pretty strong evidence that he was the great-greatgrandson of King Hezekiah, which would also make
him a distant cousin of Josiah, the king who ruled
while he was prophesying. In fact, many scholars
believe Zephaniah and his fellow prophet Jeremiah
may have been at least partially responsible for the
reforms Josiah implemented. I’d heard “Cuts Like a
Knife” on the radio one day in 2013 and remembered
how much I’d liked it back when it first came out,
and I wondered about a possible parody. A day or so
later, Tinch said, “J., you know what song would be
good to do – ‘Cuts Like a Knife’ by Bryan Adams.” I
took that at as a sign. Then I noticed that the words
“Cousin Zephaniah” sounded like “Cuts Like a Knife,”
and it made for a funny and thought-provoking title.
I’d been wanting to write a song about Zephaniah
for years. It’s a book of the Bible I’ve always seemed
to breeze through without getting something out of
it to differentiate it from others. At one point, I’d
read a bunch of commentaries to see what made
Zephaniah significant, and what I learned was
that he was good King Hezekiah’s great-greatgrandson, and that he prophesied in good King
Josiah’s days, which made him a distant cousin of
Josiah. So that was my starting point.
I’ve been doin’ some readin’
A book I’m sure we haven’t all searched out
Habakkuk’s book precedes it
Haggai’s come after – what a crowd – yeah
Well, I heard his prophecies
I heard they might have crowned someone he knew – yeah
Well, who is he, baby?
Who is he? I’ll tell you what you need to do – ooh yeah
Look at all the prophets and find the guy we know
Could be descended from the throne
Well, he’s called Zephaniah – 0f the Israelites
Yeah, he’s not Zechariah – but he’s real close by
The times he lived were changin’
Josiah was a king who’d done some good – ooh yeah
But paganism started
Inchin’ in with sin as best it could – ooh, it could
It wouldn’t be the first the time a king had gone astray
But he threw them gods away
Probably ‘cause Zephaniah – yeah, got to King Josiah
Oh, and also Jeremiah – yeah, probably both guys
Na na na – na na na na na na na
Oh, the prophet Zephaniah – got to King Josiah, baby
Oh, the prophet Zephaniah – yeah
LEAD
He’s the great, great grandson – of Hezekiah, you know
A good king long ago
So he’s cousin Zephaniah – yeah, to the king, Josiah
So he’s cousin Zephaniah –yeah, to the king, Josiah
Yeah!
Oh, he’s cousin Zephaniah
Oh, my, my
Of the Israelites, baby
Ohhhhhh, yeah
He’s cousin Zephaniah
Just him and Jeremiah
Yeah, yeah
C’mon, boys – ohhh!
154
Crazy Little King God Loves
Parody of:
“Crazy Little Thing Called Love” by Queen
Freddie Mercury
Bible References:
1 Samuel 21:10-15, 27:1-28:3, 29:1-11
J’s Journal:
David had already been anointed king by the Prophet
Samuel. There was just one problem: Saul, the last
guy anointed king by Samuel, was still in power.
And King Saul was out to make sure it stayed that
way. He pursued David all over the place. Things
got so bad that David tried to hide out with the
enemy – the Philistines of Gath. Yes, the very same
Philistines whom he had defeated in the famous
battle with Goliath. The Philistines of Gath, led by
King Achish, were suspicious, so David had to think
fast. 1 Samuel 21:13 tells what David did next: “So
he pretended to be insane in their presence; and
while he was in their hands he acted like a madman,
making marks on the doors of the gate and letting
saliva run down his beard.” The ruse worked. “Achish
said to his servants, ‘Look at the man! He is insane!
Why bring him to me? Am I so short of madmen that
you have to bring this fellow here to carry on like
this in front of me? Must this man come into my
house?’ “ (1 Samuel 21:14-15). That’s why we call
David the “crazy little king God loves.” By the way,
Achish was the crazy one. After all that, he later
took David in (1 Samuel 27-29) and unwittingly
did a lot of harm to his own people.
This king God loves was blessed by Samuel yet
This king God loves they just ain’t crowned him yet
He ain’t ready – David is the king God loves
This king (this king) God loves (God loves)
He hides (night and daily) from the Israelites
He’s king (woo woo) that’s right (woo woo)
And King Saul’s gonna have a jealous fit tryin’ to find him
David is the king God loves
There goes my David
You know he’s on the run from Saul
He tried King Achish
He said, “You’re not supposed to be here!”
And David got a cold, cold sweat
He started to drool real fast and he put on an act
Feigning madness, he tried
To fake out all the guys in the Philistines
That’s why they said he’s the crazy little king God loves
LEAD
He started to drool real fast and he put on an act
“He’s a madman!” they cried
“Take him outside and call the men in white
To come and get him!” (They’ll regret it)
The crazy little king God loves
This king (this king) God loves (God loves) was blessed by Samuel yet
This king (this king) God loves (God loves) they just ain’t crowned him yet
He ain’t ready – but David is the king God loves
The crazy little king God loves REPEAT
155
Credence Thru Deepwater Survival
Parody of:
“Proud Mary” by Creedence Clearwater Revival
John Fogerty
Bible References:
Psalm 18:16, Joshua 3, 2 Kings 2:8-14, Jonah 1-2,
Exodus 14, Genesis 6-8, 2 Corinthians 11:25,
Acts 27
J’s Journal:
Everybody knows that Moses led the Israelites
through the Red Sea, but did you know that Joshua
did the same thing through the Jordan? God brings
His people through deep waters both figuratively
and literally as demonstrated in this song’s accounts
of Moses, Joshua, Elijah, Elisha, Noah, Jonah,
and Peter. Note: Creedence Clearwater Revival
deliberately misspelled the word “credence” in their
name. The American Heritage Dictionary defines
credence as “Acceptance as true or valid; belief.”
This was one of the first parodies I ever wrote,
and I think we played it at our very first concert as
ApologetiX. I revised the lyrics for Biblical Graffiti, but
both versions had Moses in the first verse, Joshua in
the second, and Peter in the third. However, I added
the rap shortly before we recorded it (Can you tell I
was listening to DC Talk a lot?) because I wanted to
mention Elijah, Elisha, Jonah, and Noah.
MOSES:
Lifted God’s rod and He did it
Walkin’ on dry land through a tidal wave
But I guess I was a bit off the deep end
Worryin’ bout the way we might escape
Big waves keep on surgin’
Proud Pharoah keep on gurglin’
Rollin’, rollin’, rollin’ back the river
JOSHUA:
Seen Him part the waves for Moses
Joshua’s my name and I’m new at this
But I never saw the Lord dry up a river
Till He switched the tide and the river flow quit
Israel keep on learnin’ – Tide gonna keep on turnin’
Rollin’, rollin’, rollin’ back the river
RAP:
Joshua and Moses – they already told us
Evidence of providence that God almighty showed us
But let me remind ya all about Elijah
Walkin’ through the Jordan followed by Elisha
What about Noah? Don’t leave out Jonah!
Water water everywhere but not a drop will slow ya!
All these readings you can see right in your Bible
We call God’s credence through deepwater survival
SIMON PETER:
Yes, you could drown in the river
But you’re gonna find some people who lived
You don’t have to worry if you have God’s mercy
Peter’s one believer who’s happy he did
Be a real deepwater person
Get out there and keep and keep on surfin’
Strollin’, strollin’, strollin’ on the river
156
Crowd of Foreign Girls
Parody of:
“California Girls” by The Beach Boys
Brian Wilson & Mike Love
Bible References:
1 Kings 11, Numbers 25:1-3, Nehemiah 13:26-27
J’s Journal:
Solomon, the “smart, blessed man” who began so
brilliantly in 1 Kings chapter 1, “jumped the shark”
10 chapters later. Why? “And he had seven hundred
wives, princesses, and three hundred concubines:
and his wives turned away his heart” (1 Kings
11:3). I thought it would be neat to contrast the
Beach Boys’ tribute to the women of their nation
with Solomon’s lament about the women of other
nations. This was another lawn-mowing song. I’ve
gotten some great inspiration there over the years.
In case you don’t know, the lands of Tyre and Sidon
go hand in hand (like Sodom and Gomorrah), hence
Solomon’s pun about how Sidon girls “Tyred” him
out. The Moab girls, you may remember, were used
by Balaam and the king of the Moabites in Numbers
25:1-3 to seduce the Israelite males and get them to
indulge in idolatry, so that’s why the song mentions
them “mak[ing] their boyfriends Moabites.” The line
about the girls “altering” Solomon is a pun also,
because those pagan wives led him to build altars
for their pagan gods, and this definitely altered his
standing with God and his whole life. Solomon also
was a ship builder who sent many ships out to sea
(1 Kings 9:26-28, 10:22), leading to the pun about
getting lost at sea. Class dismissed.
Well, Egypt girls are hip, I really dig my wife from there
And the Sidon girls with their pagan gods
They Tyred me out and I got snared
The Middle East foreign leaders gave me pagan female wives
And the Moab girls with the way they kiss
They make their boyfriends Moabites
I kissed an awful big crowd of foreign girls
I guess they altered me kinda sorta
My wisdom faltered because of foreign girls
I guess I had a fun time as the world’s most richest man
I think I had at least a thousand wives counting concubines
From all these different lands
I ran around with pagan girls
And I gave ‘em all diamonds n’ pearls
Yeah, but I should’ve stayed with girls who had the same faith
That’s with the Jewish girls in the world
I’d list them all and recount ‘em for ya
I just don’t want to be proud and bore ya
It’s just an awful big crowd of foreign girls
So listen close to me I’ll inform ya
(Girls, girls, girls yeah I said)
My ship got lost at sea kinda sorta
I switched philosophies now I’ll warn ya
They just ain’t worth the grief I implore ya
157
Cut-Rate Hotel
Parody of:
“Heartbreak Hotel” by Elvis Presley
Mae Boren Axton, Thomas Durden & Elvis Presley
Bible References:
Luke 2:7
J’s Journal:
While many important leaders and rich kids insist on
staying at five-star hotels, the King of Kings and Son
of the Most High consented to be born in a one-star
hotel. I once heard the senior pastor at my church,
Mark Bolton, describe Jesus’ humble birthplace as
“a barn out back of a two-bit bed and breakfast.”
Of course, when God provides, one star is enough.
This is the first of two songs on Handheld Messiah
told from Joseph’s perspective. It’s sort of a “Hotel
Can’t Afford Ya” for oldies lovers. Well, since our baby’s ready
Well, we found a new place to dwell
Well it’s down with the friendly goats and sheep
That cut-rate hotel
Where we’ll be
Our baby’s a holy baby
Our baby’s so holy
He’s been foretold in Micah 5
Although the town is crowded
They still can find some room
For open-minded travelers
Who know how to use a broom
But people
Now, the well-off kids keep goin’
To the five-star this and that
But in Bethl’hem one star’s all you need
To get to the place we stopped at
It’s a stable but
Well, to visit baby Jesus
They’ve got a trail as well
Well, just take your donkey on the cheap
To cut-rate hotel
And you will see this little
Baby’s a holy baby
LEAD
Although the town is crowded
Well, they still can find some room
They’re open late for shepherds
And cows are welcome too
It’s Christmas so
Go visit the holy baby
158
Dancing Dave
Parody of:
“Dancing Days” by Led Zeppelin
Robert Plant & Jimmy Page
Bible References:
2 Samuel 6:12-23
J’s Journal:
We’ve all seen sitcoms that show husbands doing
things that cause their wives great embarrassment.
Well, it wasn’t a sitcom, but David’s first wife,
Michal, was appalled at her husband’s behavior in 2
Samuel 6: “As the ark of the LORD was entering the
City of David, Michal daughter of Saul watched from
a window. And when she saw King David leaping
and dancing before the LORD, she despised him in
her heart” (2 Samuel 6:16). When he came home,
she really let him have it, exclaiming, “How the king
of Israel has distinguished himself today, disrobing
in the sight of the slave girls of his servants as any
vulgar fellow would!” (2 Samuel 6:20b). But David
would be vindicated in the long run. This song tells
the story from Michal’s perspective.
Dancing Dave is here again
And he somehow leaves me cold
And from my tower, my love grows sour
‘cause I’m his woman, you know?
He’s in the spotlight, I said it’s not right
To dance with all of your heart
The Lord is holy – not rock and rolly
Least that’s the way I was taught
Davey where’s your etiquette?
Well, you’re barely wearing your clothes
If you use a circus tent
You could even start up a show.
You know it’s not right, not very polite
You know you’re fallin’ apart.
You’re bein’ ornery but more importantly
Get out of the way of the ark!
I saw you jumpin’ and gettin’ down
But I’m here to tell you I’ll have no part.
I’m not the kind of queen that dances around
Like a bad girl in a bar.
You know it’s not right, it isn’t godlike
To dance with all of your heart
You need my loyalty, might lose your royalty
Unless you make a new start”
Dancing Dave was innocent
And as some of you may know
His wife Michal was to wind up childless
Because she wounded him so
I said it’s all right; he had some more wives
But there’s a point to this part
So read the manual in Second Samuel
In chapter six you should start!
159
Dancing with the Ark
Parody of:
“Dancing in the Dark” by Bruce Springsteen
Bruce Springsteen
Bible References:
2 Samuel 6:12-23; Ecclesiastes 3:4; Psalms 22:3,
28:2, 30:11, 47:1, 63:4, 88:9, 119:48, 134:2,
141:2, 149:3, 150:4; Luke 15:25; James 1:23-25
J’s Journal:
I like Bruce Springsteen (saw him twice on the
“Born in the USA” tour), but I never was a big fan
of this song, even though it was his highest-charting
pop hit. That’s ironic, because I spoofed it twice.
Eh? Yeah, back in college my roommate and I wrote
a parody called “Romancing in the Dark” after our
alma mater was named as having the ugliest male
population among college campuses. Our parody
got printed in our college newspaper and was
a minor hit – that’s the only kind of hits I write!
Then sometime in the late 1990’s, I got the lyrics
for this parody, and they stuck with me through the
years, so I knew we had to do it someday. David
worshipped the Lord with reckless abandon; he
didn’t care what anybody thought. I want to have
that kind of attitude. How many of us will sing loud
and strong on Saturday night but meek and mild on
Sunday morning? The Bible says to make a joyful
noise unto the Lord (Psalms 98:4, 100:1). Even if
you don’t have a beautiful singing voice, you can
still make a joyful noise. We know from elsewhere in
David’s story that God looks at the heart and not at
outward appearances; this works for audio as well
as visual. This song sort of turned out to be a call
to worship, and we actually got to perform it for a
Sunday-morning church service in Illinois in 2011.
I read about King David
When the Ark of the Covenant came
Got caught up in the moment
Why don’t we just – worship the same way?
I ain’t often inspired
When I’m just too absorbed with myself
Hey there baby – try some music and it’ll help
We can’t start the choir
We can’t start the choir without your part
Lift God’s name higher
Even if you’re not dancing with the Ark
My savior keeps gettin’ nearer
Readin’ the Psalms and I’m learnin’ how to praise
James says God’s book is a mirror
Wanna raise high both my hands like Dave’s
And I’m betting bolder
Might just give a little jump like this
In Psalm 150 it’s all there
And in Second Sam-u-el 6
CHORUS
You sing along with the oldies
Cause you know them so well and it’s O.K.
But take a song that is holy
How come, baby, you’re not so free
Stay in your seats with heads down
But when you party you’re up all night
You say it’s not the same Sunday
Hey, baby, you best read Psalm 149
The time to dance is happenin’
I think it’s written down here
Yeah, it’s right in this book
Go read Ecclesiastes
C’mon, chapter 3, give it just one look
Sittin’ down – quiet – in the cold and dark
Worryin’ ‘bout your linen robe fallin’ apart
160
Daniel
Parody of:
“Daniel” by Elton John
Elton John & Bernie Taupin
Bible References:
Daniel 6
J’s Journal:
The subject of this parody is (who else?) Daniel in
(where else?) the lion’s den, but it’s told from King
Darius’ perspective, a pagan king who really liked
Daniel a lot. For Daniel’s perspective, check out
“Guide the Way” on Adam Up. I first heard Elton
John’s “Daniel” when I was a kid and used to listen
to my sisters’ record albums. I liked the album it
came from so much that I made a deal with my
sister Gayle. She promised to give me the album if
I’d let her cut my hair. And the rest is history. This
song was in the vaults for about five years or so
before we finally recorded it. That’s Keith Harrold
playing the drums on this one, “Cheap Birds,” and
“The Ballad of Jesus and Yahweh.”
Daniel’s with lions tonight in a cave
I can see their red pale eyes testin’ his faith
Oh, and I can see Daniel waitin’ to die
God, it looks like Daniel – won’t be around in my life
They say it’s a pity though I can’t intervene
Daniel, just was the best slave who ever served this king
Oh, and, even so, I can’t change the law
Lord, I’ll miss Daniel – Oh, I’ll miss him so much
Oh oh oh – Daniel, my governor
You are bolder than me – do you still feel so brave?
Are you more than a meal?
You’re wise and kind – but you face roarin’ lions
Daniel, will they starve? Will your faith save your life?
LEAD
Oh oh oh – Daniel, my governor
You are bolder than me – will you still be the same
When tomorrow is here?
Will I start cryin’ – will you see mornin’ light?
Daniel, it’s so hard – I’m afraid that you’ll die
Daniel’s with lions tonight in a cave
I can see an Israelite’s just what they crave
Oh, and, I can see Daniel prayin’ for life
God, if You like Daniel
Just stay around him tonight
Oh, God, if You like Daniel
Just keep him out of those lions
161
David and Goliath
Parody of:
“Paperback Writer” by The Beatles
Bible References:
1 Samuel 17, 2 Samuel 21:15-22
David & Goliath! David & Goliath! David & Goliath!
You’ve heard about ‘em – it’s a famous scene
Between the Israelites and the Philistines
The faced each other in the valley of Elah,
But the battle fought was a one-on-one with
David & Goliath, David & Goliath
From the Philistine army came a burly man
He was named Goliath, so you understand
This one was wearing just a coat of mail
But it was made of bronze and weighed 200 lbs.
As he challenged Israel to take the field
He was waiting 40 days and wouldn’t yield
David came along, but he was just a child
With a sling-a-shot he went a-runnin’ to him.
David threw the rock, and you could hear the sound
‘Cause it hit the Philistine and knocked him down
Then he struck Goliath, and cut off his head
And he saved the day, ‘cause the Lord was with him.
J’s Journal:
This parody was written spontaneously at a Mondaynight ApologetiX practice at Jeff Pakula’s house
as we were doing some free-form jamming. Yes,
we’re aware that the vocals are annoyingly sloppy,
but that we cultivated that sound for humorous
effect ... honest! Here’s a great funny story about
that song from a fan named Matt Peckhart: “Guys,
thought you would enjoy this story about Isn’t
Wasn’t Ain’t. This past weekend my in-laws as well
as some other family members and myself were
painting the new drywall in our house. I brought the
radio out and put three of your CD’s in the player
on shuffle. One of them was the 10th anniversary
issue of Isn’t Wasn’t Ain’t, which is one of my top
three ApologetiX favorites. Now, my mother-in-law
retired from teaching music at the elementary school
after about 30+ years and still teaches piano, plays
the guitar, and is the director of our small church
choir. Anyway, the song ‘David & Goliath’ comes
on and it is just about finished when she says the
following. ‘That takes a lot of talent to do what
they’re doing. The tendency is to make it sound
harmonious and nice.’ She was serious, but in a very
praising way. Finally, thank you for all of your work.
It’s touched more people than you know.”
162
A Day in the Loaf
Parody of:
“A Day in the Life” by The Beatles
Bible References:
Matthew 14:13-21, 15:29-38; Mark 6:34-44, 8:1-9;
Luke 9:10-17; John 6:5-15
J’s Journal:
Yes, we’ve discussed the feeding of the 5000 in
“I’m Gonna Feed (500 Mouths)” and “Can’t Eat
Enough,” but this song is special because it also
recounts the feeding of the 4000. Many people
don’t realize that Jesus fed 5000 men (plus women
and children) in a Jewish region (Matthew 14:1321, Mark 6:34-44) but later also fed 4000 men (plus
women and children) in a Gentile region (Matthew
15:29-38, Mark 8:1-9). Those two events gave a
foretaste of how Jesus would give the Bread of
Life to the Jews first and then the Gentiles. These
lyrics tell the story from the perspective of the boy
who supplied the starter loaves and fishes for the
feeding of the 5000, whereas “Can’t Eat Enough”
is from the perspective of Jesus, and “I’m Gonna
Feed (500 Mouths)” is from the perspective of a
disciple or some other bystander at the event. “A
Day in the Loaf” was recorded live at Lazarus’ Tomb
in Arnold PA on March 9, 1996 and was originally
released on a homemade cassette called Beatleg in
late 1996. We had hopes of doing a full Beatles CD
at the time that spoofed the “Sergeant Pepper’s
Lonely Hearts Club Band” album cover and started
with a spoof of the title track and ended with a
spoof of the final track, “A Day in the Life.” So
this would have been the closer.
I fed the Jews today, oh boy
I had a luncheon planned beside the lake
5,000 Jews around me sat
Well, I just had to laugh
They all forgot to pack
I knew that my lunch didn’t count
Some fish and loaves there that my mom had made
A crowd of people should have starved
They needed faith for sure
The only way to feed ‘em all
Is if it was the hand of the Lord
I got a thrill today, oh boy
The thing I saw He had not done before
He sat the people down and prayed
And that was all it took
Now it’s in the Book
Of Matthew, Mark, Luke, John ...
BREAK
Hold up! We’re out of bread!
Send ‘em home and back to bed
“Find a way,” He said, “You can’t give up
And look around for food around the lake.”
Found a kid who had some bread
Told the boss. He said, “No sweat.”
Had a word of prayer and bread was broke
Had some many loaves there I thought it was a dream
LEAD
He fed the Greeks today, oh boy
4,000 folks just had a banquet here
And though the loaves were rather small
He had no doubts at all
And how they had so many loaves that they were filled
Well, I don’t know
I’d love to tell you, but ...
163
Day Kippur
Parody of:
“Day Tripper” by The Beatles
Bible References:
Leviticus 16:29-30
J’s Journal:
This is a song about Yom Kippur, the Day of
Atonement and Israel’s holiest holiday, first
mentioned in Leviticus 16. I wanted to have a
song that gave a brief synopsis of Yom Kippur,
including what time of year it occurs in the Jewish
and Western calendars, and how Jesus made the
final atonement so we no longer have to do it year
after year. When I first got the idea for this song,
I was just going to call it “Yom Kippur,” and then
I discovered that “Yom” means “day” in Hebrew.
What a happy blessing that was! The version of this
song on Rare Not Well Done, Vol. 1 was recorded
live at Lazarus’ Tomb in Arnold PA on March 9,
1996. It was originally released on a homemade
cassette called Beatleg in late 1996. When the
three surviving Beatles reunited for the Anthology
project in late 1995, I wrote a ton of Beatles
parodies in hopes of us recording an all-Beatles
project. We attempted to make studio recordings
of those songs in 1996 but never got anything
worth keeping. Some of those songs have made it
onto subsequent CDs. Some others, including this
one, made it onto our Orchard Avenue downloads,
a project spearheaded by our newly-retired guitarist
Tom Milnes as his parting gift to ApologetiX in
early 2012. Trivia note: At one point before we
were officially ApologetiX, when we used to jam on
secular songs, I was working on a parody of this
song titled “Way Maker.” I’m glad I didn’t stop there.
God gave the Hebrews
A day for their sins to wipe out
God gave the Hebrews
A day for their sins to wipe out
They called the day, “Kippur”
One day every year
They made atonement
So find out – what that’s all about
Tenth day of Tishri
They do their fasting and prayer
Sometimes September
Sometimes it’s after that, yeah
They call the day “Kippur,”
From Leviticus
They make atonement
Christ is easier
He already paid for my sins
Trust in Jesus
He’ll take away all your sins, now
Because He saves sinners
Once forever, yeah
He made atonement
164
Death
Parody of:
“Beth” by Kiss
Peter Criss & Stan Penridge
Bible References:
1 Corinthians 15:50-56, Hosea 13:14, Romans 6:23
Death I hear you callin’
But I can’t come over right now
Me and the Lord are prayin’
And it just came time to bow
Guess you’ll lose your powers
And I’ll free my soul from you
The sting I feared is stolen
O, death, what can you do?
Death, what can you do?
The grave will be so empty
But now hell just ain’t my home
I’m goin’ somewhere else
Where the Lord’s always on the throne
Yes, you’ll lose your powers
And I feel my soul renewed
Your kingdom here has fallen
O, death, what can you do?
Death, what can you do?
Death, I know you owed me
But my hope’s in Jesus Christ
And me and the Lord will be stayin’ – alive
Alive
J’s Journal:
We got the opening line for this one in the band van a
number of years earlier, and Hubie said we had to do
it when the prospect of an all-acoustic CD came out.
We had considered having Jimmy come out on stage
with a Peter Criss mask and sit there while I sang it
from behind the stage, but since it was’t a comedy
song, we scrapped that idea. Considering how many
years elapsed between getting that first line and
deciding to actually write lyrics and record this
song, it’s amazing how quickly the rest of the lyrics
came. I started writing it in Ohio on a trip to see my
in-laws in Kentucky, and just about the whole song
was finished within a few hours. It was amazing to
me when I came to the point in the song where the
original said, “Oh, Beth, what can I do” and I realized
we could do “O, Death, what can you do?” in
reference to 1 Corinthians 15:55 and Hosea 13:14:
“Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is
your sting?” Jesus took away the sting of death. It
still looks scary, but it no longer has lasting power.
165
December 5 or 6 B.C. (Oh Holy Night)
Parody of:
“December 1963 (Oh What a Night)” by The Four
Seasons
Robert Gaudio & Judy M. Parker
Bible References:
Colossians 2:16-17, Romans 14:4-6
J’s Journal:
Some religious groups don’t celebrate Christmas
because it replaced an old pagan holiday called
Saturnalia. Hey, why can’t we celebrate the fact that
Christ replaced those pagan traditions? The strategy
worked; nobody remembers Saturnalia! Those same
people point out that we don’t know exactly when
Jesus was born, and they say it probably wasn’t in
December. Hey, whenever Christ was born, we do
know that He WAS born, and that’s cause enough
for celebration ... any day and every day you want.
And the Bible allows us leeway to celebrate as our
consciences dictate (Colossians 2:16-17, Romans
14:4-6). This parody was written in 1995 or 1996, I
think. I remember being in grade school the first time
this song came around. My friend, Dave Rhodes, had
a 45 record of it that we used to listen to while
we played with Matchbox cars and superhero
action figures. When the song became a top 10
hit again in 1994, I thought it would be cool to do
something with it. The rap parts for this song were
written at the last minute during the first recording
session and before the second session that night.
Oh, holy night – Late December 5 or 6 B.C.
Was a special time in history
In Bethlehem – oh, holy night
Oh, holy night – You know we still don’t even know the date
The time of year or month when Jesus came
Celebrate it every night
Oh, I – I got a funny feeling that the Lord ain’t amused
When we fight– about which holidays we all should use
Oh, holy night – It’s not timing that’s the vital thing
Jesus never changes seasonally – Late December or July
Why raise a fuss about which holy days are better?
Those things are shadows now and Jesus is all that matters
Oh, holy night
FIRST RAP
Scholars ain’t sure ‘bout the birth of our Lord
It could 6 B.C., 5 B.C. 4
The current way we figure out time was not designed
Till 500 years after Christ arrived and died
And the guy who tried to find the right time when Christ had died
And design the time line with B.C. and A.D.
Should get a B, C, or a D for sloppy math
And maybe a new abacus on top of that
Oh, wow, Co-loss-i-ans 2:16, let no one judge you
In regard to sabbaths, holidays or what’s good food
Oh, holy night
Put the tinsel on the tree tonight
Read along in Romans 14:5 – Celebrate it when you like
SECOND RAP
Frankly in the valley of death He’s a powerful shepherd in December
Or whatever date the calendar sets
I think I counted 11 months without it and yet
The Christmas holiday gets a vast amount of attention
So I thought I would mention that we don’t know just when the
Holy blessed event took place – It might have been May
The Bible ain’t specific about the month or the day
With Orthodox Christmas it’s January 6th
For the rest of us Christians December 25th
But the most important thing is that Christ is Lord and King
And that’s all the more reason to lift up the Lord Jesus
In all the four seasons
The Christmas rush may be over in December
But up in Heaven they’ll be praising the Lord forever
Oh, holy night
166
Desperate Queen
You can stand – You can fight
Rather than hide all your life
See that girl – Watch what she
Did as a desperate queen
Parody of:
“Dancing Queen” by ABBA
Benny Andersson, Björn Ulvaeus & Stig Anderson
Bible References:
Esther 2:5-18, 3:8-15, 4:1-5:8, 7:1-10
J’s Journal:
When Persia’s king needed a queen, the name of the
dame he chose was Esther, but shortly after she
said “I do, I do, I do, I do, I do,” his prime minister
began plotting her people’s demise. Esther’s cousin
Mordecai sent an S.O.S., telling her they’d soon
be under attack. Because she decided to take
a chance and speak up, her story and her people
live on and on and on. I got the words for this on a
trip to Kentucky in April 2014, but it had a couple
strikes against it: 1. We’d already done songs about
Esther (“Little Esther” in 1993 and “Sufferin’ Just
Finished” in 2002) and 2. It was by ABBA. Don’t
get me wrong; I’m a fan, but they’re not the easiest
group to imitate. However, Jimmy’s always up
for a challenge, and I liked the lyrics too much to
let it sit forever, so we put it into production 12
months later. Bill Hubauer did the lion’s share of the
instrumentation, with assists from Wayne, Keith,
and Jimmy. My daughter, Janna, did the lower
vocals, and Kristen Cataneo (from Jimmy’s church)
did the higher vocals. Kristen had previously played
a prominent role in the super-high singing at the end
of “Under the Breath” in 2014. In fact, the superhigh notes in “Desperate Queen” were even easier
for her than the medium-high notes. On our Play
Nice CD, this track comes right after “Act Selfless,”
which features Kristen’s husband, Joe, on guitar.
Mordecai was a nice fellow
Looking after an orphan girl
In the Persian town Susa
Never did he think
She’d come to meet the king
Esther was a beauty, that’s right
Nice and young and a cutie pie
And the lady was Jewish
And they were despised
Their enemies had plans
And then she’d get the chance
To become a hand-picked queen
From the streets – oh, it’s heavenly
Handpicked queen
She’ll be free from the tyranny
Oh yeah
Sure, it’s easy to turn and run
Leave the work to another one
Looking out for your brother
When you are a Jew
Sure is a brutal task
But when you get the chance
You ought to stand and be
Unafraid of your destiny
Esther – she’d
Feel the heat from the enemy, oh yeah!
167
Devil Fell
That’s right, there is a danger when answering your door
The Bible says that angels can come from another source
He sends them all beaming with false light and false love
Where did they get this brightness? He fell from above
Parody of:
“Rebel Yell” by Billy Idol
Billy Idol and Steve Stevens
Bible References:
Revelation 12:3-17, Luke 10:18-20, John 10:10,
Isaiah 14:12-15, Ezekiel 28:12-17, 2 Corinthians
11:14-15, Galatians 1:8-9, 1 John 4:1-3
J’s Journal:
Released the first weekend of March 2014, this
song describes the devil’s battle plan and his fall to
earth (Revelation 12:7-12). It also explains that the
Bible says Satan’s servants can disguise themselves
as angels of light (2 Corinthians 11:14). I started
writing this parody in early 2013 at the urging of
Todd Waites. No sooner had I finished writing it
than he told me he needed to leave the band! But he
stayed on as a studio musician for us, and he’s the
guy playing keyboards on the recording. Because
It’s the midnight hour, so find the Lord, Lord, Lord
When the devil fell, he cried war, war, war!
Whoa! It’s the midnight hour, babe – draw your sword
It’s in Revel. 12 – more, more, more, war, war, war!
He don’t look unsavory, he don’t dress in red
But when you try his roadway it leads to death
John 10:10’s creed – I want you to read, babe
God’ll set you free
You need to hear my plea
CHORUS
You’ll think he looks like a gift from Heaven
But check it in Second Corinthians 11
Well, he shines false light to project a glare
Check First John verse 4:1 and don’t get unprepared
Hey! Oh!
Christ watched him fall in Luke 10
As lighting strikes – it’s true
He’ll try to sear your brain, men
A trillion trials for you
He’ll steal your soul from you, friend
He wants you to burn with him
Why risk it all to have fun, then?
Listen, listen, listen, you have to hear my plea
CHORUS
Beware the devil’s angels
They want more
1:8, 9 in Galatians
They want more
More, more, more, more, war!
168
The Devil Went Down to Jordan
Parody of:
“The Devil Went Down to Georgia” by Charlie
Daniels
J. T. Crain Jr., W. J. DiGregorio, F. L. Edwards,
C. F. Hayward, J.W. Marshall & C. Daniels
Bible References:
Matthew 4:1-11
J’s Journal:
In the original song we spoofed here, I always felt
like the devil won. Sure, he might have lost the
fiddle competition with Johnny, but he won the war,
because Johnny was even more proud and arrogant
at the end than he was at the beginning. That’s not
how you beat the devil. This parody tells the famous
story of Jesus being tempted by the devil in the
wilderness. The devil tried to appeal to Jesus’ pride;
but, unlike Johnny, Jesus didn’t take the bait. He
always appealed to the authority of Scripture when
he answered the devil. Even when the devil tried
taking the Bible out of context, Jesus put it back in
context. Our parody is called “The Devil Went Down
to Jordan,” because Jesus was “led by the Spirit
into the desert to be tempted by the devil” right
after being baptized in the Jordan. This song was
originally slated for the Jesus Christ Morningstar
CD, but we didn’t have a fiddle player at the time.
We still didn’t have one when we recorded the track
for Grace Period in 2002, but Pittsburgh native John
Parrendo of the country band Blackhawk graciously
guest starred for us. The fiddler featured on our
Hits: The Road version is none other than ApologetiX
keyboardist Bill “Wild Thing” Hubauer
The devil went down to the Jordan
He was lookin’ for a show to steal
He was in a bind ‘cause Jesus came to find
The people willing to make it real
And he came upon the Son of Man
Saw He had no vittles and was prayin’ to God
Then the devil jumped upon the chance to tempt Him
Said “Boy, let me tell ya, it’s hot!”
“I guess you didn’t know it but I’m a vittle craver too
“And kid I’m scared this desert air might get the best of you
“Now you ain’t been eatin’ your vittles boy
“But, kid, your dinner is due
“So if you’re really God’s son, then turn these stones
To bread and I’ll butter it for you.”
The Lord said, “I am hungry, but that would be a sin
“Cause it ain’t by bread man’s gonna be fed
“But by the Word God’s given him.”
John the Baptist washed the Lord and there’s where it all starts
Cause Jesus left the Jordan and the devil hit Him hard
And if He wins we get to walk on Heaven’s streets of gold
But if He sins, the devil gets your soul
The devil took Him up in space and said, “Christ, start to throw
“Yourself off of this temple top as I’m watchin’ from below
“Cause I’m sure You know that God will bring
“All His angels to assist
“And then men would believe that You’re Him
“If they saw You did something like this”
When the devil finished, Jesus said
“Well, you’re temptin’ God, old son
And it’s written down in that book right there
That thing shouldn’t ever be done”
Shout from the mountain what God’s done
The devil ain’t a match for the rising Son
You can never tempt God, did you not know
Man, he doesn’t live by bread alone
The devil finally said, “Jesus, if You’ll just worship me
Then I’ll give you gold that glitters
All these crowns, and all You see”
Jesus said, “Devil, just turn on back
Cause I’m never gonna buy your scam
I love God too much, I’m gonna resist
I’d suggest you’d better scram!”
And we say
CHORUS
169
Did You Ever Ask Where Cain Got His Wife?
Parody of:
“Did You Ever Have to Make Up Your Mind?” by
Lovin’ Spoonful
John Sebastian
Bible References:
Genesis 4:17, 5:4; Leviticus 18:9
J’s Journal:
Back when eight-tracks were being phased out and
you could get them really cheap, I picked up a doublelength “best of” collection from the Lovin’ Spoonful
that I played countless times. John Sebastian is one
of my favorite pop writers, but I never expected we’d
spoof one of their songs, and certainly not this one,
even though it was a #2 hit in its day. But one day
in the mid-90’s, the title for this just popped into my
head, and I couldn’t resist. I got some of the lyrics
at the time but didn’t finish it up until many years
later. At one point in 2007, this track was slated for
our Future Tense CD. I think it fits a lot better with
the Soundproof set. Many of us have heard that
classic skeptic’s question, “Where did Cain get his
wife?” They play it like a trump card, but it’s really
not a difficult question. Genesis 5:4 says Adam
“had other sons and daughters.” Who else was Cain
going to marry if not his sister? If you’re worried
about the gene pool, I’d say it was still pretty pure
at the time … and Adam’s wife was made from a
part of his own body (his rib)! In fact, the Bible tells
us Abraham’s wife, Sarah, was actually his sister
(Genesis 20:2, 12), although she had a different
mother (but the same father). The biblical prohibition
against marrying siblings wasn’t instituted until
the time of Moses (Leviticus 18:9).
Did you ever ask where Cain got his wife?
Pick up the Word and read in Genesis 5
‘Cause Adam and Eve had daughters besides
And you betcha that’s where Cain got his wife
Did you ever ask “Then why was it right
For Cain to take one of his own sisters as bride?”
But so much has changed since the years have gone by
Did you ever let the Bible decide?
That time when Adam picked his wife – he wasn’t naughty
It came down to Eve – who came from his body
Their children were the only ones in the world
It’s not like Cain could choose a thousand other girls
And now you know at last where Cain got his wife
When pickin’ the one to be the love of his life
It’s no longer legal in our modern time
Read Leviticus in 18 verse 9
Now it’s a really different world and billions exist here
And, man, I’m not attracted to my younger sister
And then God the Father took Moses aside
And said, tell ‘em leave home, son, when takin’ their brides
So if skeptics ever try to get snide
And they ask you dumb stuff just to cover their pride
Just go to the pages of Scripture as guide
Then you never have to blindly reply
170
Didn’t Just Die
Parody of:
“Live and Let Die” by Paul McCartney & Wings and
Guns N’ Roses
Paul & Linda McCartney
When He was hung on the cross like a common crook
His accusers said He was just dead
(You know they did, you know they did ...)
But it was everlasting life that He was livin’
And they’d get a surprise
He didn’t just die! Didn’t just die!
Didn’t just die! Didn’t just die!
LEAD
You should sing Hallelujah
Man He did a job for you – you couldn’t do yourself
He had to save ya from the pit of Hell
LEAD
Now you still say He was just dead
(You know you did, you know you did ...)
But He could never save this world unless He’s livin’
Don’t you give up on Christ – He didn’t just die!
Bible References:
J’s Journal:
In 1 Corinthians 15:17-19, the Apostle Paul talks
about the importance of the Resurrection: “And if
Christ has not been raised, your faith is futile; you
are still in your sins. Then those also who have
fallen asleep in Christ are lost. If only for this life we
have hope in Christ, we are to be pitied more than
all men.” But there’s good news: He didn’t just die!
I got the idea for this one sometime in the spring of
1992, after our first concert as ApologetiX, and it
appeared on our first live cassette, Get Your Wigs,
which was recorded in June of that year. I loved
the way “He didn’t just die” rhymed with “Say
‘live and let die,’ ” and the way the music matched
the climactic moment. I played with the words
a little bit before we recorded the song on Jesus
Christ Morningstar in 1998. However, I wound up
changing one line back to the 1992 version when
we recorded Hits: The Road in 2005. I decided
I liked the line “You should sing hallelujah” better
than “what He did matters to ya.” We rerecorded
this song in 2015 for Easter Standard Time with
Hubie playing keyboards and guitars, Jake Rieger
on bass, and Jimmy on drums. My daughter
Janna helped with backing vocals. 171
Died & Rose
Parody of:
“China Grove” by The Doobie Brothers
Tom Johnston
Bible References:
1 Corinthians 15:3-5, 1 Thessalonians 4:14
J’s Journal:
When Paul is summarizing the Gospel to the
Corinthians, he starts it out with this: “For what I
received I passed on to you as of first importance:
that Christ died for our sins according to the
Scriptures, that he was buried, that he was raised
on the third day according to the Scriptures ...” (1
Corinthians 15:3-4). Simply put, He died and rose.
“Died and Rose” was actually written the year before
“Didn’t Just Die,” even though they became great
companion pieces on both Jesus Christ Morningstar
and Hits: The Road. The titles flow well together, as
do the lyrics and the music. “Died and Rose” appeared
on both our first live homemade cassette, Get Your
Wigs, and our first studio homemade cassette,
Parable Guy. We rerecorded it (and “Didn’t Just Die”)
for Easter Standard Time in 2015, with Tom Tincha
on lead guitar and Tom Milnes on backing vocals.
When the Son come down He was deep within the ground
Surrounded by a giant stone
And it’s no surprise that on the Sabbath day
All His pals stayed home
But things were all about to change
And they never were the same
Well, we’re talkin’ cause He died and rose
Lord, died and rose!
Well, their leader, Simon Peter, and John the Apostle
They took a walk to the tomb
And the Gospel came alive when they arrived
And they found an empty room
But they had forgotten His claim
That He’d resurface again
Well, we’re talkin’ ‘cause He died and rose
Lord, died and rose!
Then He came when the group met Sunday
They’d locked the doors and shut the room
But standin’ right among them was the man they called Lord
You just should have seen the look in their eyes!
But Thomas would doubt it for eight more days
Till Jesus came when he was there
He just took one look and he believed!
LEAD
172
Do What David Did
Parody of:
“Do Wah Diddy Diddy” by Manfred Mann
Jeff Barry & Ellie Greenwich
Bible References:
1 Samuel 13:14, 1 Kings 15:5
J’s Journal:
Told from the perspective of the prophet Samuel, this
little ditty is a study in contrasts between Israel’s
first king, Saul, and his successor, David. This was
another one where I got the chorus first (I’m thinking
it was 2004 or thereabout); I knew we had a winner,
but we just had to wait for God to provide the rest of
the song. I had most of it done by the time we pulled
it out of the vault in 2012, but I had to tie up some
loose ends and smooth out the rough spots. This
parody goes over well as an audience participation
song in concert, just as we’d hoped it would.
Everyone listen what I’m ‘bout to speak, singin’
Do what David did and Saul didn’t do
Saul was the king first but he stumbled in defeat, sinkin’
He looked good (looked good)
He looked fine (looked fine)
Yet he really lost his mind
Before I knew him Dave was watchin’ Jesse’s sheep, slingin’
Told them God’s plan, “Jesse, that child’s meant to be king and”
He knocked on (He knocked on)
Goliath’s door (Goliath’s door)
He knocked on Goliath’s door
And helped Israel win the war
Oh whoa!
I knew he was valiant enough
Yes, I did, and so I told him, you’re a king God can really love
Now read together nearly everything that they did and
‘Cept for Bathsheba ‘cause that was a mistake, sinning
Now I’ve heard (I’ve heard)
He’s fine (He’s fine)
I’ve heard he’s fine
Let me tell you one more time
Oh whoa! I knew it was gonna be rough
Yes, I did, and so I told him, You’ll be king, just believe and trust
Now read together First and Second Samuel’s pages and
I’m in half of it, that’s how it got my name, dig it?
Now I’ve heard (I’ve heard)
He’s fine (He’s fine)
I’ve heard he’s fine
Let me tell you one more time
173
Donkey Talked with Him
Parody of:
“Honky Tonk Women” by The Rolling Stones
Mick Jagger & Keith Richards
They sent a man of prophecy against us
They tried to make him curse us for a price
He had to leave without it ‘cause he told them
“Guys, I just can’t seem to curse the Israelites!”
His do-o-onkey talked with him
Give him, give him, give him the donkey talk blues
King Balak sent for Balaam to curse Israel
He had to get on his donkey for a ride
An angel nearly cut him into pieces
His donkey froze and then she spoke her mind!
CHORUS
I’ve never seen no beast of burden
Who actually spoke, but it’s for certain
All I want is for you to read Numbers please
Chapter 22, sugarpop!
CHORUS
Bible References:
Numbers 22-24
J’s Journal:
This is the famous story of Balaam and his talking
donkey in Numbers 22. Balaam was a sorcerer, and
it’s interesting to note that he didn’t even seem
surprised when his donkey spoke. He was more
shocked at the sight of the Angel of the LORD with
the drawn sword who appeared in front of them
soon after. I got the idea for this song while I was
thinking about changing AC/DC’s “Moneytalks”
to “Donkeytalks.” And then the idea for “Donkey
Talked with Him” popped into my head. Eureka!
Since the subject of this song was a donkey, I
couldn’t resist adding an additional spoofed snippet
of our favorite donkey-oriented Rolling Stones song,
“Beast of Burden,” in the middle.
174
Don’t Be Fooled
Parody of:
“Don’t Be Cruel” by Elvis Presley
Otis Blackwell & Elvis Presley
Bible References:
Exodus 20:3; 1 Corinthians 8:5-6, 10:19-20;
2 John 1:7-11
You know life can be found in the Lord alone
But pagan gods abound – at least they’ll tell you so
Don’t be fooled – choose the God that’s true
Baby, in the 10 commands, it’s number on the list
Exodus chapter 20 – verse 3 you know what it says?
‘Cause there are no other gods
Baby, just the True One and the frauds
Those gods are pagan phonies – they don’t make me feel afraid
‘Cause I know Jesus loves me – and I know there’s one true way
Why don’t you play it smart
He really loves you baby – open your heart
So let’s look up First Corinthians – in chapter 8:5,6
And 10:19 and 20 – and I hope that something clicks
J’s Journal:
Jehovah’s Witnesses claim the Bible teaches
that Jesus is “a god” but not “God.” However, 1
Corinthians 8:5-6 says, “For even if there are socalled gods, whether in heaven or on earth (as indeed
there are many ‘gods’ and many ‘lords’), yet for us
there is but one God, the Father, from who all things
came and for whom we live; and there is but one
Lord, Jesus Christ, through whom all things came
and through whom we live.” Note: If somebody tells
you the above verse teaches that Jesus isn’t God,
then using the same logic, they’d also have to say
it teaches that the Father isn’t Lord. Furthermore, in
1 Corinthians 10:20, Paul goes on to say that the
gods that pagans sacrifice to are actually demons.
I wrote this song in the mid-1990’s. I knew it had
good potential, because the lyrics stayed in mind
over the years without having to review them. We
briefly considered it for Spoofernatural, but we
couldn’t come to a consensus whether to record it in
the style of Elvis or Cheap Trick. I remember a time
in grade school when I visited a neighborhood lady’s
house, heard her Elvis records, and then came home
and sang “Don’t Be Cruel” in a hiccup-y Elvis-style
for my parents ... in the kitchen, using a spoon as a
microphone. In retrospect, I’m really glad we did it
the way we did, and it’s one of my favorite tracks
we’ve ever done. Trivia: Many people hear this
parody and think I’m singing “there are no other gods
– only just the true ones and the frogs.” It’s “frauds.”
175
Don’t Bring Me Cows
Parody of:
“Don’t Bring Me Down” by Electric Light Orchestra
Jeff Lynne
Bible References:
Isaiah 1:11-20; Amos 5:21-27; Micah 6:6-8;
Psalms 50:7-23, 51:16-17; Jeremiah 7:22-24;
Hosea 6:6
J’s Journal:
Cows are funny; just ask the Chick-Fil-A people. I
always thought this would be a good theme song
for them. The chorus and title for this parody came
to me simultaneously, of course. We were off and
running once I realized we could do the middle part
with moos instead of that “Grroosss”/”Bruce”
noise Jeff Lynne says in the original ELO version.
This song may sound a little silly, but what’s even
more silly is thinking we can pay off the Lord by
giving Him things He gave us in the first place.
Many people are familiar with the expression that
God owns the cattle on a thousand hills, but read it
in context: “I have no need of a bull from your stall
or of goats from your pens, for every animal of the
forest is mine, and the cattle on a thousand hills ...
If I were hungry I would not tell you, for the world is
mine, and all that is in it. Do I eat the flesh of bulls
or drink the blood of goats?” (Psalm 50:9-10, 1213). The psalm after that talks about the sacrifices
that God wants: “You do not delight in sacrifice, or
I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt
offerings. My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a
broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise”
(Psalm 51:16-17). We put this song as the closer on
Recovery, since the original was the final song on
ELO’s Discovery. It wouldn’t have worked on our
previous CD, Future Tense, anyway ... you can’t have
an album with a milkman on the cover containing a
song called “Don’t Bring Me Cows.”
You brought Me money though it’s already Mine
You’re offering things but, man, you’re wasting your time
Don’t bring Me cows – no, no, no, no, no, moo wee hoo
I’ll tell you once more
Don’t try to pay off the Lord
Don’t bring Me cows
You want to say how much you fast at Lent
I’d rather you were just obedient
The cattle on a thousand hills I own
You read that line in Psalms – so now you know
You wanna talk about a sacrifice
Humble the way you are and get contrite
You took a look at Micah 6 in the past
What does it say – we’re gonna take a test
Don’t bring Me cows – no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, moo wee hoo
You’ve got Isaiah chapter 1 on display
You’ve got Hosea 6 so do as they say
Don’t bring Me cows, cows, cows, cows, cows, cows
Don’t bring me cows
176
Don’t Fear the People
Parody of:
“(Don’t Fear) the Reaper” by Blue Oyster Cult
Donald Roeser
Bible References:
Matthew 10:28, Luke 12:4-5
J’s Journal:
This song and “People” from Ticked are both about
martyrdom and the willingness to stand up for your
faith. The original versions of both these songs
were about people who weren’t afraid to die, even
though they had nothing to die for. Our parodies are
about people who are willing to die only because
they know the one Person who died and brought
Himself back to life and is able to resurrect everyone
who believes in Him (John 11:25-26). In Matthew
10:28 Jesus says, “Do not be afraid of those who
kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be
afraid of the one who can destroy both soul and
body in hell.” In other words, Jesus is telling us
that the only person we need to fear is God. And
if you have a relationship with God through Jesus
Christ, you don’t fear Him in the sense of being
afraid of Him; in this case, that fear is a reverential
respect and awe for God, knowing that He is
omnipotent (all powerful), omniscient (all knowing),
and omnipresent (all places). In that sense, the
Bible says, “the fear of the Lord is the beginning
of wisdom” (Proverbs 1:7). I got the lyrics for this
song in the mid-1990’s, and I got chills while singing
the lyrics, even back then. I couldn’t wait to do it
someday. At the time we recorded it, I had never
seen the famous Saturday Night Live “Behind the
Music” skit about “more cowbell,” yet I distinctly
remember saying we needed to make sure that the
cowbell was very prominent in the mix.
Fallen times have come. We can’t turn and run
Stephen didn’t fear the people,
Not even when they stoned him to death
We can be like he was
C’mon, baby
(Don’t fear the people)
Baby, take your stand
And be ready to die
Baby, they’re just men
When the fire was done, Nero burned Christians
Rome of old was full of men
Martyred for their Christianity
(Rome of old was full of men)
Although they tried they couldn’t kill them anyway
(Rome of old was full of men)
The more that died the more that came to take their place
(Read in your history book)
And now the Coliseum is an empty place
(We can be like they were)
CHORUS
Harken to the one – who was God’s own Son:
Fear not man in his madness
Who if he killed your body couldn’t go on
The Lord’s the only one that you should fear
The person who first put you here
Who can certainly do something more severe
(When you’re thrown in the grave)
C’mon baby
(That’s the one to fear)
Defend the faith
(Like the martyrs who died)
Let’s get back to the faith they had
(We can become like they were)
They had taken a stand
(We can become like they were)
C’mon baby
177
Don’t Stop Till Egypt
Parody of:
“Don’t Stop Believin’ ” by Journey
Jonathan Cain, Steve Perry & Neal Schon
Bible References:
Matthew 2:1-18
J’s Journal:
This song about a journey to escape Herod is a spoof
of a song from Journey’s album, Escape! It was a
late Christmas gift from God, and I welcomed it with
open arms. I saved my notes from the day I got the
idea (January 7, 2011), because it was so amazing:
“On 12/31/10, Bill mentioned this would be a great
80’s song when he heard it on a list of VH1 songs of
the 80’s, as long as I could sing it. I thought it was
too hard. Then I tried it this morning, and even with
heavy congestion, I was able to. Then I started to
think of stories with a small-town girl and a boy, and
the story of Mary and Joseph came to mind. Later,
while putting Natalie to bed and singing other songs
to her, I got the idea of ‘Don’t Stop Till Egypt,’ which
seemed to rhyme so well. I tried to hold that thought
till I was done with Natalie. Then it was time to put
Kelly to bed. I dug out the Preschoolers Bible to find
a story for her to read to me. It opened up to page
242, which I couldn’t remember having seen before,
I turned to the previous page, which was the start of
that particular story, and it said, ‘Go to Egypt!’ Both
page spreads told the story of the angel appearing to
Joseph and warning him to flee to Egypt! I’m typing
it right now, less than an hour later, while it’s still
fresh in my mind.” So the story of this parody started
with my two youngest daughters, but it continued
with my oldest. In December 2012, I had the honor
of performing a duet of this song with my oldest
daughter, Janna, at her school’s Christmas chapel.
Just a small town girl – living in a Roman world
She took a late-night trip out of Bethlehem
Just a bitty boy – born to make the world rejoice
He took a late-night trip out of Bethlehem
The king is in an OK mood – until the wise men leak the news
For a while they can spare their lives
If they run, and run, and run, and run
Angels racin’, comin’ down to pull them out
There’s bad folks searchin’ in the night
Flee, wise people
Heaven sends a warning, Joseph
Hide Him somewhere near the Nile
Well, King Herod, he ain’t quite thrilled
“Every baby must be killed!”
He’ll do anything – he’s cold as ice – what’s one more crime?
Run from Him – One with you’s
The Son of God, the King of the Jews
For His kingdom never ends
It goes on and on and on and on
Angels racin’, comin’ down to pull them out
There’s bad folks searchin’ in the night
Flee, wise people
Heaven sends a warning, Joseph
Hide Him somewhere near the Nile
Don’t stop till Egypt – go down to the pyramids
Flee, wise people, oh oh oh
Don’t stop till Egypt – go down, yeah
Flee, wise people, oh oh oh
178
Don’t Try
Parody of:
“Don’t Cry” by Guns N’ Roses
Axl Rose, Izzy Stradlin, Duff McKagan &
Saul Hudson
Bible References:
Psalm 139
J’s Journal:
I always liked the title “Don’t Try.” I thought it was
funny, because it’s really something if you have to
command a person not to even try! The song we
spoofed here came from Guns n’ Roses’ Use Your
Illusion I, which also featured “The Garden,” “The
Garden of Eden,” “Bad Apples,” and “You Ain’t the
First.” Notice a pattern? We did. “You ain’t the first”
to sin; Adam and Eve were – way back in “The Garden
of Eden,” but they tried to hide, and you shouldn’t.
King David – a man who committed some pretty
bad sins – said in Psalm 139 that there’s no place
to hide from God. But David received forgiveness,
and so can you. We spoofed Guns n’ Roses every
chance we got because we thought they came up
with some of the most innovative music, ideas,
and vocals since Led Zeppelin. Not that we agreed
with their ideology or approved of their lyrics, mind
you, but their talent was undeniable, and they were
“modern rock” at the time. Kids could relate to them.
The original hit was less than two years old when
we recorded our spoof, which was pretty current
for us back then. Two years later, we finally made
a conscious effort to totally immerse ourselves
in modern rock and start incorporating a healthy
portion of that into our concerts and CDs.
Back in the garden
There’s something that occurred
Adam and Eve were naked
And hid from the Lord
But He knew where they were hiding
He knew what they’d done
You ain’t the first to try it
So don’t you run, don’t you try to hide
Where would you run to, baby?
Don’t you try to hide
There’s a Heavenly Father who loves you
If you will listen – Psalm 139
Says that there really isn’t
A place He can’t find
Where can you flee from His presence?
You know that He could still tell
If you ascend to Heaven
If you descend to Hell, baby
CHORUS
And even in darkness
There will still be light
And even in darkness
Still the night is bright to Him now
I know you’re makin’ your own bed
But it don’t matter where you do it
‘Cause even if it’s in Hell, now
Still He’ll find you there now, baby
CHORUS
179
Downer of a Sister
Parody of:
“Chop Suey” by System of a Down
Serj Tankian & Daron Malakian
Bible References:
Genesis 29
J’s Journal:
Part of the inspiration for the “Downer of a Sister”
parody came from Arron Daniels, a DJ friend of
ours. In early 2003, Arron was visiting with the
band as we were discussing potential songs to
spoof. At the time, System of a Down’s “Chop
Suey” was on the long list of potential songs,
but it wasn’t looking like a very strong candidate
because of its overall harshness. However, when
Arron heard “Chop Suey” was on the list, he began
to do his impression of System of a Down’s lead
singer shouting “Wake up!” as he does in the original
version. Arron’s impression brought the band to
fits of laughter, and I was never able to look at
the original song the same way again. Suddenly I
realized the comedic potential of the song. Listening
to “Chop Suey” in the car a few days later, I noticed
that “Wake up” rhymed very nicely with “Jacob.”
Then the imagery came to me – Leah the morning
after the wedding, breaking the news to Jacob that
he had married the wrong girl! The sheer lunacy of
Leah singing in the harsh voice of a hard rocking
band like System of a Down played nicely into the
overall image of Leah being less desirable than the
lovely Rachel. I knew we had a winner on our hands
and that God had once again provided inspiration
where days before there was nothing. The title is
one of my favorite ApologetiX titles, too.
Wake up, we probably should talk a little Jacob
Why? Because there’s been a major shake up
Light the lamp they keep upon the table
Yeah, you married me instead of Rachel
You want me to
Wear a veil and never put the shades up?
You want me to
Try to starve and find a way to shape up?
You want me to
Drive to Egypt get myself a facial?
You want me to?
Oh, I don’t think you trust in my shelf-life as your new bride
I tried but Rachel’s the perfect size!
Wake up, Laban, you’re in trouble this is Jacob
Open up the door or it’ll break up
Why’d you give me Leah ‘stead of Rachel
Yeah you know she ain’t no Charlie’s Angel
(You wanted to)
Even if she puts on lots of make-up
(Put fun into)
Leah’s face could scare away your hiccups
(My honeymoon)
I’ve seen better faces on a bagel
(I’ll punish you)
Why don’t we discuss this nice
Downsize your foolish pride
Why fight? I gave you the first in line
And I threw in a concubine
All right – for Rachel just serve me twice
Father! Father! Father! Father!
Father it’s too intense; I can’t stand to hear it
Father you knew the plan – Why did you give Jacob me?
In disguise so secretly? Is there no escape for me?
It’s my heart you’re breakin’, please no!
Brushed aside – Now I’m just doin’ time
I cry while Jacob diversifies
Can’t lie – she’s such a cutie pie
Why try – when Rachel’s the perfect bride
180
Drop of Lucifer
Parody of:
“Drops of Jupiter” by Train
Charlie Colin, Rob Hotchkiss, Pat Monahan, Jimmy
Stafford & Scott Underwood
Bible References:
Revelation 12:7-12, 20:2, 20:10; Ezekiel 28:1-19;
1 Timothy 3:6; Isaiah 14:12-15; Zecheriah 3:1-2;
2 Corinthians 11:14; Job 1:6-12, 2:1-7; John 8:4,
10:10, 12:31, 14:30, 16:33; Romans 16:20;
Genesis 3:1-5, 3:14-15; 1 John 4:4
J’s Journal:
No, we’re not talking about adding a “drop of
Lucifer” to a recipe, we’re talking about the fall
(drop) of Satan as described in Isaiah 14, Ezekiel
28 and the book of Revelation. I don’t like to bring
too much attention to the devil, but there are two
songs about him on Grace Period, and I hope both
of them will help the listener to understand what
the Bible says about him. The bad news is that he
is for real; he is a person; and he comes to kill, steal
and destroy. The good news is that God is infinitely
more powerful than the devil, who is only a created
person, so it’s not some yin-yang thing. The devil
can only do what God permits him to do, and God
has already shown us what the outcome is going to
be in Revelation. The devil isn’t even around for the
last two chapters of the Bible! He’s already in the
Lake of Fire by then. I remember getting the idea for
this song on a band trip to Kansas.
Now that he’s back in the atmosphere the drop of Lucifer is severe
He acts like somehow his worldwide reign
Reminds him of his diamond days
Till the return of the Way and the Truth
He’s livin’ like a king and he talks like it too
Tell me, are you sad you crossed the Son
Did you fake it so the millions may believe
Your light’s not faded and that Heaven is overrated
Tell me, did you fall like a shooting star
One day you’ll be burning in fire
I’m glad you missed me while you were booking your hotel down there
Now Christ came back with our soul salvation
Saving the day to your consternation
I checked out Romans, found He loves my soul
Reminds me that He’s assumed control
Now that He’s back and the coast is clear
I’m afraid that we might think of you as
A plain old angel you’re scarier than that
Though I’m not afraid to die still the devil’s pretty bad
But tell me, did your sin sweep you off your seat
Did you finally face the fact you’ll stand alone in latter days
Get paid back for your filthy ways
Tell me, did Jesus blow your mind?
Did you ever think He wanted to die?
I read your history while I was lookin’ at 14:12 in Isaiah
I do imagine you love tryin’ to deep-fry Christians
You get them always slippin’ up for you
Even when they know you’re wrong
But you’re no match for that verse 10:8,9 Romans
Find out from Revelation
You’ll get yours later but you’re never havin’ me
But tell me, did your sin sweep you off your seat
Did you finally get the chance to glance at all the Bible says
Will happen to you anyway
Tell me, are you sad you crossed the Son
Did you make it through the gilded page to see your final fate in
Chapter 20 in Revelation
Tell me, did you fall like a shooting star
One day now the serpent gets squashed
In Romans 16 verse 20 lookee for yourself
And did you finally get the chance to check Ezekiel 28
And did you fall like a shooting star, fall like a shooting star
And now you’re only booking your hotel down there
181
Parody of:
“Rock You Like a Hurricane” by The Scorpions
Rudolf Schenker, Klaus Meine & Herman Rarebell
Bible References:
Genesis 22:1-19, Hebrews 11:17-19, Micah 6:7-8,
John 1:29-35
J’s Journal:
Although Abraham was willing to sacrifice his son,
God sent him an angel to prevent that. When Isaac
got wind of the change in plans, he was no doubt
relieved. But another Son would make the sacrifice
no one like you or me or Isaac could. Abraham
had said God would provide the lamb, and He did
– on Mount Moriah and on Mount Calvary. O.K., I
confess: I wasn’t a big fan of the song we spoofed
here. I did it for the sake of Tinch and Keith, who
were both big Scorpions fans. And you can tell;
that’s quintessential Tincha guitar work. Although I
never liked the original, its chorus is a real earworm
(or earwig, since it’s a Scorpions tune), and I’ve
found myself singing it against my will many
times through the years. Keith’s wife, Krista, first
heard the Scorpions song as a new Christian and
for some inexplicable reason thought they were
singing “Here comes the king!” Keith and I have
teased her mercilessly about that over the years.
In fact, my wife begged me to find some way to
work that into our parody. I got the idea for this in
March 2012 – the chorus and the beginning lines of
the first and third verses. That was enough for me
to know God was giving us something great. But I
didn’t really work on it till three years later. I think
it’s so cool the way the echoes on the “Abraham”
parts in the chorus sound like it could be God or the
angel talking, and the drum effects in the third verse
match the words about the scourging of Jesus.
It’s early morning – his son comes out
But has no inkling what this is about
A dead-end journey, a sacrifice planned
So what is wrong here? There’s not a lamb
A precious offering he needs to kill
He never flinches – it’s the Lord’s will
He takes his knife and raises it slow
But God relieves Him in time and says no!
Abraham – drop your knife and hurry, man
Abraham – God will find a perfect lamb
By studied learning – we found this out
Messiah’s coming – through Isaac’s child
From indications – the Lord gave clues
He’ll send a savior which some will refuse
The prophets called it – I have the scrolls
That the Lord gave us to read very long ago
Please listen to this – be ready for Him
We’re the ones He’ll die for – sufferin’ for sin
Abraham – drop your knife and hurry, man (Are you ready, Abram?)
Abraham – modify your current plan
Abraham – don’t kill Isaac; search again (C’mon, c’mon, Abram!)
Abraham – God will find a perfect lamb
God will find a perfect lamb!
LEAD
It’s early morning – the Son comes out
His life they’re takin’ – there’s never a doubt
The whip is whirring – it slashes Christ’s skin
So what is wrong here? He never sinned
Messiah told me He had to go
To the cross of Calv’ry – His blood must flow
He’s takin’ His licks – He’s ready to win
On a cross He’s planned for from the first sin
Abraham – God supplied a perfect lamb (Are you ready, Abram?)
Abraham – God supplied a perfect lamb
Abraham – God supplied a perfect lamb (C’mon, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon, c’mon)
Abraham – God supplied a perfect lamb
Abraham!
182
Droppin’ on the Sun
Parody of:
“Walkin’ on the Sun” by Smash Mouth
Greg Camp, Paul DeLisle, Steve Harwell &
Kevin Iannello
Bible References:
Revelation 14:11, 20:10-15; Matthew 5:22-30,
7:13-14, 10:28, 13:48-50, 18:9, 23:33, 25:41;
Luke 16:19-31; Mark 9:42-47; Jude 1:7, 1:13;
James 3:6; 2 Thessalonians 1:7-9; 2 Peter 3:7;
Romans 2:5-12
J’s Journal:
Here’s a song about Hell. Some people say that
Jesus talked even more about Hell than He did about
Heaven. Some others, like Jehovah’s Witnesses, say
that the Bible doesn’t even teach that there is Hell.
Who’s right? Check out the Bible verses listed above
and you tell me. Of course, you don’t actually need
the scriptures to find Hell. In fact, you might get there
faster if you never read the Bible at all. It ain’t no joke, no lie, the Bible clearly spoke
To teach the world to fear the furnace underneath
To teach the world about hellfire but there’s liars
Who say they know Christians are wrong, even bad people rest in peace
It gets enough attacks. I know men doubt that it’s fact
It’s not like any map shows exactly where it’s at
But just like gravity you cannot see it really exists
And it does no good but they’ll deny it just to stay in their sins
So don’t delay, act now! Your time is runnin’ out!
Find out while you’re still alive – The true way is Jesus Christ
And if you follow the way, you’ll have no sorrow but if
the offer’s done, you might as well be droppin’ on the sun
Two thousand years ago He spoke out and they wrote down
All the best in the New Testament together in a book
And He told how it was dark, surrounded by fire
Where teeth will be gnashin’, man, Christ said Hell happens
And so He spelled it out, so to help out those who felt doubt
Then He brought it back up when He talked against the self-proud
And religious hypocrites threw hissy fits
Because that’s just what happens when they’re faced with their sins
By now I’m sure you’ve surmised – There’s two places to arrive
And if you follow the way you’ll have no sorrow, but if
The offer’s shunned, you might as well be droppin’ on the sun
It ain’t no joke that He’s gonna take the sheep and goats
And He’ll steer them to the left and right, but, listen, folks:
The ones that’s goats get disposed of. God won’t just burn their souls up
They’ll be livin’ in eternal Godless hopeless darkness
So don’t risk that, get facts, you ought to take a look at
Luke 16, Mark 9 and Jude – There’s one little chapt’r
Look today at Matthew chapter 10, verse 28
You need to read in Revelation 20 what does it say?
Find now while you’re still alive – Matthew chapter 25
And if you follow the way – you’ll have no sorrow, but if
You drop and punt, you might as well be droppin’ on the sun
183
Dude (Would Like to Save Me)
Parody of:
“Dude (Looks Like a Lady)” by Aerosmith
Desmond Child, Joe Perry & Steven Tyler
Bible References:
Romans 3:10, 3:23, 5:8, 8:1, 10:9-13; John 3:16;
2 Peter 3:9
J’s Journal:
Like the narrator in this song, I used to run into bornagain Christians in college who would say, “If you
were to die tonight, do you know for sure where you
would go?” I thought they were pretty arrogant to
think they could know for sure they were going to
Heaven. I didn’t realize that the Bible says, “I write
these things to you who believe in the name of the
Son of God so that you may know that you have
eternal life” (1 John 5:13). You may know that you
have eternal life! Back then I was still under the
mistaken impression (as are so many others) that
getting into Heaven was a matter of our good deeds
outweighing our bad and hopefully not screwing up
right before you died. But the Bible says we’re saved
by grace (unmerited favor) through faith (which is a
gift from God) and not by works, so no man can boast
(Ephesians 2:8-9). This is the second in a suite of
four songs at the end of Wise Up and Rock that deal
with witnessing for Christ in the midst of opposition
from skeptics and atheists. It follows “Mister
Christian” on the CD and in the natural progression
of things, but I wrote it in the mid-90’s, about 15
years before “Mister Christian.” Incidentally, Tinch
says the solo on this song was the hardest thing he
had to do on Wise Up and Rock. That guitar solo is
kind of like confessing you’re a sinner and asking
Jesus to take over your life; it’s the hardest thing to
do, but it’s so cool once you’ve done it.
That, that – dude would like to save me
Boozin’ in a bar, I was floored
A Christian met me out by the door
He said, “God wants to come in your life
Baby, say do you know where you’d go if you died – tonight?”
I said, “I haven’t got time.”
And I lied and told him, “I’m not afraid.”
Forgiveness was the thing on his mind
And he whipped out a Bible, tried to show me the way
CHORUS
“Never judge the Book by its cover,”
The dude, he said, “It’s not like those others.”
Said, “God put these lines
Here like Romans 10:9
So everybody callin’ Jesus Lord could have eternal life.”
CHORUS
(Baby if you call on Him now)
Let me take a deep breath
Dude, could you review it all again?
Turn to Romans 3:10
Do it, do it, do it, ooh whee!
LEAD
Ooh, how could He save me
When I’d been, I’d been, I’d been quite bad?
Ooh Jesus forgave me
Yeah!
CHORUS
184
Eight Ways to Be
Parody of:
“Eight Days a Week” by The Beatles
Bible References:
Matthew 5:2-12
You might need to know babe, Chapter 5 Matthew
Helps you see my Lord’s eight blest Beatitudes
Holy, happy, holy, happy
There’s eight God wants ya to know, babe, eight ways to be
Blessed are the humble, blest are those who mourn
Blessed are the gentle of meek and lowly form
They’ll be happy, you’ll be happy
There’s eight God wants ya to know, babe, eight ways to be
Eight ways to be in Matthew
Eight ways to be in Matthew 5:2 go right there
Blessed are the thirsty for righteousness and truth
Blest are those with mercy – they’ll get Christ’s mercy too
Ohhh, they’ll be happy, you’ll be happy
There’s eight God wants us to know, babe, eight ways to be
Eight ways to be in Matthew
Eight ways to be – that’s why they’re called Beatitudes
Blest are the pure of heart and those who peace to make
Blest are those who suffer for righteousness’ sake
Holy, happy, holy, happy
And eight is plenty enough, babe
Eight ways to be, eight ways to be, eight ways to be
J’s Journal:
This is a song about the Beatitudes by a group with
a similar name. This was one of the first songs we
played live as ApologetiX. I’m pretty sure it was in
our set list for our first concert ever (in March 1992),
and I know it was on our very first cassette, Get Your
Wigs (a live recording from June 1992), although I
tweaked the lyrics a little for Apol-acoustiX. When I
first started writing Christian parodies and realized
the potential they had for instructional purposes,
I quickly started thinking of all the lists from the
Bible that I wanted to memorize; of course, the
Beatitudes was one of the first that came to mind.
Once I had the hook line “eight ways to be,” it
was obvious where to go with the song. We fondly
remembered this song from our early days and were
eager to include it on Apol-acoustiX.
185
El-ijah
Parody of:
“Elvira” by Oak Ridge Boys
Dallas Frazier
Bible References:
2 Kings 1
J’s Journal:
The narrator in this song is a captain of 50 soldiers
sent by wicked King Ahaziah of Israel to apprehend
the prophet Elijah in 2 Kings chapter 1. Unfortunately,
this guy knows he is the third captain of 50 soldiers
to be sent on such a mission. The first two captains
(and their troops) were each incinerated when
fire fell from Heaven. This guy knows what’s
good for him and begs for his life. I got the idea
for this song during sometime in the mid-1990’s
during a particularly productive time.
El-ijah! El-ijah!
Don’t start no fires, El-ijah!
Elijah looked toward Heaven – It got very bright
The fire fell sure enough takin’ 50 guys’ lives
I’ve got a funny feelin’ – I’m about to die
Cause I know Elijah’s tried that twice
So I’m saying
El-ijah! El-ijah!
He’s the one
Uh who brought, uh who brought the fire down
He’s the one
Uh who brought, uh who brought the fire down
Drive those soldiers away
So now I’m gonna meet him – and I wonder what I will say
I’ve gotta follow all the king’s commands – so here’s my plan
I’m gonna shout and holler
“Elijah, save us from senseless slaughter!
“Please won’t you go with us; I’m a peaceful man!”
And I’ll be saying
El-ijah! El-ijah!
(I’m) givin’ up!
Cause you brought, uh-you brought the fire down
(I’m) givin’ up!
Cause you brought, uh-you brought the fire down
Blew those soldiers away
186
Emmaus
Walked away our troubles, walked away our pain
When today the Son rose up
Talked as we walked our road towards Emmaus way
When a stranger stunned both of us
Oh oh woo hoo hoo hoo hoo yeah ... Emm-a-a-a-us!
Parody of:
“Shambala” by Three Dog Night
Daniel Moore
Bible References:
Luke 24:13-32, Mark 16:12-13, John 19:25
J’s Journal:
Though we didn’t release this track until March
2015, I actually wrote a primitive version of
“Emmaus” back in the early 90’s, before there even
officially was an ApologetiX. We performed it in our
first shows at the Paradise Club, too. In fact, in the
spring of 1992, it became the first track Karl and
I ever attempted to record in the “studio,” which,
at the time, was just a Tascam four-track recorder
that belonged to our bandmate Andy Sparks. Ah,
my first big chance to get my voice multi-tracked!
We included it as a bonus track on our Parable Guy
cassette in the fall of 1992, although we thought
we’d already gone so far beyond that in our recording
techniques by that time. LOL. I just dug out that
recording and played it on my computer while typing
this, and it made my dog bark! I thought he was
protesting the audio “quality,” but maybe it was
just because of the Three Dog Night thing. Anyway,
I considered rerecording it when planning Jesus
Christ Morningstar in 1998, but by then I’d raised
my personal standards for parody lyrics and realized
I’d have to tear it down and totally rebuild it. I tried
that but wound up junking what I came up with.
However, 17 years after that, as we developed
Easter Standard Time, I decided to give it another
attempt. I love the original story in Luke 24; it was
well worth the extra effort to retell it in a song.
Tell me what has happened, said the other guy
How come you both look glum a lot
We said, come on, buddy, everyone here knows why
Out on this road you’ve stumbled on
Galilee’s bright light was a prophet from above
Now Jesus Christ died, and things all have crumbled up
LEAD
I can tell you, mister, there’s no doubt that Jesus died
How all of the Romans humbled us
Now some of our sisters tried to tell us He’s alive
Got all the hopes of some folks up
I don’t know-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh yeah, He was de-yay-yay-yay-ead
Oh oh woo hoo hoo hoo hoo yeah, then the stra-a-anger said
How are your eyes blind when this all comes from above?
Doubts fill your bright minds, and your thoughts are jumbled up
There are countless divine signs in the Prophets, Psalms, and Law
Telling how
How the Lord’s lifetime would involve such sufferin’ love
Oh oh woo hoo hoo hoo hoo yeah ... now we know who that Someone was
Oh oh woo hoo hoo hoo hoo yeah ... Son of God had come along
Oh oh woo hoo hoo hoo hoo yeah ,,, on the road to comfort us
187
Enemy Lines
Parody of:
“Ebony Eyes” by Bob Welch
Bob Welch
Bible References:
2 Samuel 11
J’s Journal:
I got the lyrics for this one in the mid-1990’s, and
I thought it was a discreet way of telling the story
of David and Bathsheba, although maybe not as
discreet as the Veggie Tales version, “King George
and the Ducky.” I liked the way “Uriah’s” sounded
like “Your Eyes,” especially since Uriah played
such a key role in the original story and paid the
steepest price of the three people involved, but
they never call it the story of “David and Bathsheba
and Uriah.” He’s an afterthought, just as he was to
David, unfortunately. The title refers to both the
enemy battle lines where David had General Joab
place Uriah (so he’d be killed) and also to the lines
that the enemy tells us to tempt us to do things
like commit adultery and murder. Although “Ebony
Eyes” was a pretty big hit in its day, you won’t
hear it on the radio much (if ever); but our producer,
Hubie, thought the parody lyrics for this were too
good to not include on this album. I’m glad he did.
When I was in high school, I joined the Columbia
House Record Club, and one of the “11 Albums for a
Dollar” (or was it 13?) I chose for the initial sign-up
promotion was the Bob Welch album that contained
“Ebony Eyes” and “Sentimental Lady.” It would go
on to be one of my favorites during that era. Come
to think of it, one of my other initial selections when
I signed up was Styx’s The Grand Illusion, which
contained “Come Sail Away,” the song we spoofed
that precedes this one on Recovery.
Well, that Bathsheba girl is so gorgeous
I’d like to take her out on a date
But if you have your way with her, David
You will be making a grave mistake
Uriah’s got Bathsheba – Uriah’s got a wife
Uriah is a soldier
So she’s alone in her home tonight
Uriah’s got Bathsheba – Uriah’s gone to fight
Uriah isn’t home yet
So I’ll be holding her close tonight
She told him, David, I’m havin’ your baby
And when my husband returns he’ll learn
They had to keep it a secret from him
There was a plot and they both got burned
So they took Uriah out of the army
For some furlough time with Bathsheba
But he was waiting till war was over
To lay with his wife and go to sleep
Uriah’s got a problem
‘Cause there’s adultery in David’s life
Uriah’s got Bathsheba – Uriah’s got to die
Uriah doesn’t know yet
So put him close to the battle line
Enemy lines! Enemy lines!
Enemy lines! Enemy lines!
Uriah’s got a widow
And she’s the mother of David’s child
Uriah got defeated – Uriah got to die
Uriah got mixed up in
The tragic hold of adult’ry’s lies
188
Enter Samson (1994)
Parody of:
“Enter Sandman” by Metallica
Kirk Hammett, Lars Ulrich & James Hetfield
Bible References:
Judges 13-16
J’s Journal:
The version of “Enter Samson” on Biblical Graffiti
is our best-known version, but it wasn’t our first.
The original version was on our fourth studio
cassette, Radical History Tour, released in August
1994. We chose not to include it on the CD release
in March 1999, because we planned to rewrite
and re-record it for Biblical Graffiti, which would
be released later that year. One listen to this
recording, and you’ll know why.
Well my hair, it was long, I was super-strong
No-one knew how come
I had the strength, I could win any fight I was in
Baby, Samson was tough
With a donkey jawbone, whippin’ the Philistines
Exercise isn’t why
It’s my hair – God said never cut it there
I was strong, but my might disappeared one night
In the arms of Delilah
I didn’t know she was a spy, I fell asleep for a while
And then she cut my hair
Next thing I awoke and in came the Philistines
Philistines made me blind
Take revenge – took me to another land
SPOKEN:
Now the lords of the Philistines assembled
To offer a great sacrifice to Dagon their god
And they said, “Call for Samson, that he may amuse us.”
So they called for Samson from the prison
And they made him stand between the pillars.
I started prayin’ unto the Lord:
What good am I as a prisoner of war
Give me the strength for one last stand
I pushed the pillars, the roof caved in
Exercise isn’t why
It’s my prayer – none of ‘em got out of there
189
Enter Samson (1999)
Parody of:
“Enter Sandman” by Metallica
Kirk Hammett, Lars Ulrich & James Hetfield
Bible References:
Judges 13-16
J’s Journal:
This is a song about a guy with big hair who was
having a bad hair day. That made for a big, bad
hair day. When I got the idea for this song in 199293, it was just too good to be true. The title said
it all, and the music had just the mood of menace
necessary to tell Samson’s story. It turned out to
be “some kind of monster” hit for us. It’s possibly
our most-requested song in concert, certainly in
the top five all-time. We did an earlier version on
the original Radical History Tour cassette in 1994,
but we deleted it when we released Radical History
Tour on CD in 1999. We knew the revised version
we were about to put on Biblical Graffiti would be
much better. Weird Al’s drummer, Jon “Bermuda”
Schwartz played on that second version. He did it
in two takes with no advance practice, aside from
the fact that he once played in a polka medley with
Al. Amazing. If Samson were around today, I think
he’d probably be a Metallica fan. And just like them,
he started out with long hair, got it shaved off, and
then started growing it long again.
See my hair, it’s so long! How’d I get so strong?
There’s a clue in this song
I’ve got you pinned! Always win! Rip you limb from limb
When old Samson is done!
See this one guy only whippin’ your Philistines!
Exercise isn’t why! Shave my head!
I’ll be just another man!
Something’s wrong ‘cause my might headed south tonight
In the arms of Delilah
She was a thorn in my side, she would nag and cry
And I think she’s a spy
Sleepin’ when I woke up, in came the Philistines
Exit might! End of sight! Chained my hands!
Took me to another land!
SPOKEN:
Now they made me blind and weak
They cavort and hold a feast
If I die a foreign slave
Pray the Lord these poles to shake
Watch little pagans! Don’t fail me Lord!
They made me blind I’m sure you’ve heard
Make this a feast they won’t forget
Bring their bloodshed on their heads!
Make things right! End their lives! Take a stand!
Take this life! End it right! Take my hands!
Crush them into desert sand! Boom!
190
Ephesians
Parody of:
“The Reason” by Hoobastank
Douglas Robb, Dan Estrin, Markku Lappalainen &
Chris Hesse
Bible References:
Ephesians 2:5-10; 2 Timothy 1:9; Galatians 2:16,
2:21; Romans 4:16, 5:2, 5:8, 11:5-6; Titus 3:4-7
J’s Journal:
The Bible says we are saved by God’s grace
(undeserved favor) and not by our good deeds. This
applies to everyone, because God is no respecter
of persons. Yet for some reason, many professing
Christians have an “every man for himself” attitude,
thinking they can or must work their way into
Heaven. Consequently, they miss the target. Did
you know that the Bible never says, “The Lord helps
those who help themselves”? Rather, the Lord helps
those who can’t help themselves, who confess that
their sins are out of control and come to Him for
mercy. Unfortunately, many “religious” people still
keep running away from the truth rather than running
to the Lord – crawling in the dark when they could
and should be walking in the light. The goodness you
need to get into Heaven isn’t inside of you unless
Christ is inside of you. That’s the only way to
make your sins disappear. We originally considered
spoofing Hoobastank’s “Crawling in the Dark” on
Adam Up, and we hated to miss the opportunity
to spoof a group with a name like that. Thankfully,
we got a second chance when Hoobastank released
“The Reason.” We treaded cautiously, because “The
Reason” had a positive message and was a song
that probably meant a lot to many people, as did
“In the End” by Linkin Park. So we thought about
how we’d turned “In the End” into “Corinthians” and
lo and behold, “The Reason” became “Ephesians”!
I’m not allergic to workin’
But many things religious people do
Are cause they think they’re earnin’
A Heaven they must work their way into
But no one has to pay before they go
The Bible wants you to know
I’ve found salvation is free
And changed how I view good deeds
From readin’ I started to do
In Ephesians chapter 2
It’s not about our virtue
It’s something that’s a gift we get through grace
And all the things for good you do
Are just the icing you put on the cake
Ephesians 2:8 makes all that clear
That’s why I’m leading you here
I’ve found Ephesians to read
It changed why I do good deeds
Salvation is not what we do
Are you readin’ it too? Are you readin’ it too?
Are you readin’ it too? Are you readin’ it too?
Another perfect person
Was Heaven-sent to do those things for you
And so no one who’s saved can ever boast
In any one but the Lord
I’ve found salvation’s a tree
And faith’s what you use for seed
But grace is the start of the roots
And good deeds are just fruit
1:9 Second Timothy shows
And Titus 3:5 says it’s so
And Romans provides added proof
In 11:6 too
191
Even Though
Parody of:
“Even Flow” by Pearl Jam
Stone Gossard & Eddie Vedder
Readin’ ... the Epistle to Philippians
Chapter 2, verses 5 through 8
Jesus ... He already existed in the form of God, but wait!
He did ... not cling to His rights, emptied Himself instead
Being ... humble and obedient unto the point of death
Even tho ... He was in the form of God
Even so ... He became just like a slave
He humbled Himself
And He gave His life away ... life away
Hebrews ... 4:15, He was tempted in everything
We are ... so He can be sympathetic even tho He never sinned
He will ... not cast away anybody who comes to Him
Freely ... we have been forgiven so freely we should forgive
CHORUS
Have this mind within yourselves ... within yourselves
Bible References:
Philippians 2:5-8
J’s Journal:
This Pearl Jam parody references Philippians 2:5-8,
a passage that tells us, “In your relationships with
one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:
Who, being in very nature God, did not consider
equality with God something to be used to his own
advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking
the very nature of a servant, being made in human
likeness. And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death–
even death on a cross!” Not only does that passage
establish Jesus’ deity, it also shows the incredible
servant’s attitude He had, one that He wants us to
emulate (John 13:14-15), because love is not selfseeking (1 Corinthians 13:5). “Even Though” was
one of our first forays into the alternative-music
scene. It was originally included on our fourth studio
cassette, Radical History Tour, released in August
1994, but we chose not to include it on the CD
release in March 1999, because the rhythm did not
have an even flow and our judges decided the overall
performance nowhere near a “ten.”
192
Every Crown Has Its Thorns
Parody of:
“Every Rose Has Its Thorn” by Poison
Bobby Dall, C.C. DeVille, Bret Michaels &
Rikki Rockett
Bible References:
Matthew 10:38, 16:24; Mark 8:34; Luke 9:23,
14:27; James 1:2-4; Hebrews 4:15, 5:7-10, 12:2;
1 Peter 2:19, 4:12-13; Romans 5:3, 8:18
J’s Journal:
This is a song about suffering ... yay! Seriously,
though, James 1:2-3 says the following: “Consider
it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials
of many kinds, because you know that the testing
of your faith develops perseverance.” The Bible has
many such encouraging verses for people who are
facing trials and suffering. It’s interesting to note
that the main people who are quoted in these verses
(Jesus Christ, the Apostle Paul, the Apostle Peter,
and the Apostle James) went through some of the
most intense suffering and trials any man has ever
known. One of the most amazing verses regarding
this is Hebrews 5:8, where it says this of Jesus:
“Although he was a son, he learned obedience from
what he suffered.” Whoa. Would have thought
that Jesus would have to learn anything, let alone
obedience? Well, if it’s good enough for Jesus, it’s
good enough for me. Jesus has a crown of glory now,
but He had a crown of thorns on Calvary. In 1 Peter
5:4, Peter says that someday we’ll have a crown of
glory, too; so let’s not complain if our earthly crown
has a few thorns in it. We first recorded this parody
(same song and theme, different title and lyrics)
back in late 1992 as the opening track on our Want
It Dead or Alive? homemade cassette. It was called
“Every Road Has Its Cross” back then.
We’re both like Simon we still live in a state of denial
Although we’d both like to go to Heaven
We feel surprised about the trial
But the suff’ring Christ did accomplished somethin’
And the worst all turned out right
Go and find out in Hebrews chapter 5
Verses 7 through 9
You see
Every crown has its thorns
Just like every life has its cross
Just like every choirboy sings some sad, sad songs
Every crown has its thorns ... it does
A Christian needs to take his cross
Take it up and hit the road
Yeah, ‘cause Jesus said lots of times that we should do it and
He should know
But I wonder – as He walked
If He ever felt like quittin’
Yet I know we wouldn’t be here right now if Christ
Took a different road than Calvary
CHORUS
Though I’m in a trial now
Christ can still feel all my pain
Like the nails that cut through and bruised Him
Cause the scars – Christ’s scars remain
LEAD
I know He could have saved His life that night if Christ
Chose to run away
Instead of takin’ off – He chose
To take the narrow way
And now I’m Heaven bound and born anew
And man I never had that much to lose
I’m here to bear my cross in life
And to see Him on the other side – because
CHORUS
193
Every Step to Take
Parody of:
“Every Breath You Take” by The Police
Sting
Bible References:
Romans 10:9-13, 2 Peter 3:9
J’s Journal:
This song discusses salvation, but there aren’t
really a bunch of steps. Aside from Romans 10:913, the other key passage of scripture discussed
here is 2 Peter 3:9: “The Lord is not slow in keeping
his promise, as some understand slowness. He is
patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish,
but everyone to come to repentance.” I was in my
second band the summer “Every Breath You Take”
came out as a single. I was a big Police fan, so I
bought the Synchronicity album the day it came out,
and we learned the song right away.
Every debt you face
Can be removed through grace
Every law you break
Can be fixed through faith if you want them to
Every sinful way
Can be cured today
Every stain will fade
They’ll be wiped away if you want them to
Oh, can’t you see?
You’d be wrong to flee
While the good Lord waits
Till every soul is saved
If you move too late
There’s a price you pay
There’s no time to waste
Get a clean, new slate ‘cause He wants you to
Sinned so long I’d be lost without His grace
‘Cause Jesus Christ is the only way that saves
You’re lookin’ ‘round for a truth you can embrace
He’ll fill your soul with a strong enduring faith
At least try Him, baby, baby please.
Oh, can’t you see
Second Peter 3?
How the good Lord waits
Till every soul is saved
If you use true faith
If you bow to pray
Use your mouth to say
Jesus’ name today ‘cause that’s what to do
He’ll remove your shame
Just confess His name
‘Cause that’s what to do
Cause He wants you to
194
Excuse Me, Pal, It’s Christmastime
Parody of:
“Purple Haze” by Jimi Hendrix
Jimi Hendrix
Bible References:
John 15:18-20, 1 John 3:10-15, Psalm 2:1-12
J’s Journal:
Based on the subject matter – the hypocritical way
secular society treats Christmas (and Christians)
these days – this song’s title should probably be
“Xcuse Me, Pal, It’s Xmastime.” The unbelieving
world sure likes to cross out Christ. Of course,
that’s what they did when He walked the earth,
too. And God still used that for His glory. I had
the title and punchline of the first verse for a few
years, and then Tinch started noodling around with
the song in sound check in early 2013, and I figured
I’d finish it. I got a few more words in the first
verse one Saturday morning at a hotel where we
were staying, but I didn’t buckle down and work
on it till we chose it for Handheld Messiah. I got
most of the second and third verses while we were
vacationing with Keith’s family at Splash Lagoon
in Erie PA in the summer of 2013.
People hate and rip my faith
But they get
Paid vacations on Christmas day
They act real funny when I ask them why
They tell me
“Excuse me, pal, it’s Christmastime.”
People hate and told my town:
“Don’t go put Christmas stuff on public ground!”
Planned on having a Nativity
Whatever it is, that’s worse than a felony
Help me! Oh! Help me! Oh!
Oh no, no, no!
Spoken:
If the world hate you, ye know that it hated me before it hated you.
If ye were of the world, the world would love his own:
But because ye are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world
Therefore the world hateth you.
Yeah!
People hate on Jesus Christ
Don’t know that He could save their lives
If I preached Buddha, then no one would mind
Guess I’m
Too narrow for such defensive times
Ooh – Help me! Oh! Yeah, people hate!
Spoken:
Why do the heathen rage, and the people imagine a vain thing?
The kings of the earth set themselves, and the rulers take counsel together
Against the Lord, and against his anointed, saying,
Let us break their bands asunder, and cast away their cords from us.
He that sitteth in the heavens shall laugh:
195
E.Z.Kiel
Parody of:
“Suzie Q. (Part One)” by Creedence Clearwater
Revival
Stan Lewis, Dale Hawkins & Eleanor Broadwater
Bible References:
Ezekiel 1
Oh, EZ-kiel
Oh, EZ-kiel
Oh, EZ-kiel
Well, he saw a wheel
Within a wheel
By the riverside
He saw the wheels in flight
Covered with eyes
He saw the wheels in flight
EZ-kiel
It ain’t no UFO
It ain’t no UFO
It ain’t no UFO
The Bible tells you so
EZ-Kiel
It’s cherubim divine
Baby, prophesy
EZ-Kiel
J’s Journal:
Our original decision to spoof this song was partially
inspired by the fact that our drummer at the time,
Rick Servocky, played the drum beat really well, and
we wanted to put that to use. It was also inspired
by seeing a front-page story on a supermarket
tabloid that talked about UFO’s in the Bible, based
on the Prophet Ezekiel’s visions.
196
Faith Pt. 2
Parody of:
“Faith” by George Michael
George Michael
Bible References:
Hebrews 11, Romans 8:16
J’s Journal:
There are some interesting vocal effects on this
song, but it sounds like I’m not paying attention at
all to the background guitar. That’s because I sang
my parts before the guitar was there! I have some
problems with rhythm, but I’m not that bad. We had
a guide track with the original on it, and I sang to
that; the guitar was added later. We didn’t have
digital tracks or any fancy computers or experience
back then. In fact, there was a break later in the
song in which we needed to fill up empty space, and
Karl encouraged me to fill in the blanks with an ad
lib and that’s why I sang the “What does he mean,
I think he means that we gotta have, gotta, gotta
have faith!” line. This song has some clumsy parts,
but I still like it. We’ve done this song in concert a
couple of times (but only a couple), when there was
a difficulty with drums and we needed a drumless
song to buy time on stage. I love the scripture
verses in this song, especially Romans 8:16, about
how the Spirit of Christ testifies to us that we
are the children of God, and that’s another reason
we know we’ve been born again.
Well, I guess it would be nice
If I could touch and see it
You know, I must believe in
A lot of things I can’t see
But the Spirit of Christ
He testifies inside of me
That I’m a child of God, you see
That’s Romans 8:16
Before you tell me
That I’ve gone crazy
Before you say there’s no way to be sure
I’ve got to tell you
This information
There’s one way to heaven
And I’ll show you the door
First you gotta have faith
You gotta have faith
You gotta have faith, faith, faith
Faith! Faith! Faith! Baby!
Some of the things that I have seen
I just plain wouldn’t have believed
From anyone else
Maybe, I understand why you can doubt
The words a-comin’ from my mouth
Until you see it yourself
You know, but Hebrews 11 says
Faith is something we hope will happen
It’s evidence of things that can’t be seen
And Romans 5:5 says hope like that will
Not disappoint us
And I know just what he means
He means we gotta have faith
We gotta have faith
You gotta have faith, faith, faith
Faith! Faith! Faith!
197
Faithless Love
Sometimes I feel I’ve got too much to say
I’ve got to set ‘em straight
But it’s painful tryin’ to live in harmony
The stuff we share (Whoa oh oh oh)
Seems to draw cold stares
It might cost my life
For I watched them turn against Jesus Christ
Parody of:
“Tainted Love” by Soft Cell
Ed Cobb
Bible References:
Proverbs 27:5-6, Galatians 4:16
J’s Journal:
Next time you’re on social media, consider this:
where did our love go? Be careful what you post in
the space between saying hello and waving goodbye
or they’ll come after you in the night with torches.
People are so insecure about their souls inside that
they put up barriers. When society tries to eliminate
faith, can love be far behind? This parody filled two
needs for me. I’d been so grieved by some of the
stuff I’d read on Facebook that I needed to write
a song about my feelings. People can be so meanspirited, and it seems like you can’t post (or say)
anything without causing controversy, particularly
if it has any moral (or, perish the thought, biblical)
overtones. I hate having to do a soft sell on the
Gospel. Meanwhile, I’d been wanting to a parody
of Soft Cell’s “Tainted Love.” I realized the tone
(musical and lyrical) of that song lent itself to the
topic I’d been wrestling with. We ended up with
something that’s sort of a modern-day, Christian
take on the late 60’s song “Easy to Be Hard,”
using early-80’s music. In the spirit of Soft Cell,
Todd provided all the instrumentation, and I did
all the vocals. That’s how they did their version,
too. It’s a heavy theme, but we lightened up the
single by pairing this song with “Anteater.” It was
released on November 22, 2015.
What’s a man to do? (A man)
No one wants the truth
It’s faithless love they’re craving
I tell them all the Lord could save them
Take their sins but that’s not been enough
Faithless love (Whoa oh oh oh)
Faithless love
Now I know I’ve got to run the race
I’ve got to get in shape
They don’t really want to hear more from me
They say things like
We need someone who’s more polite
And they think God preaches hate
But I’m sorry – I won’t forsake my faith
What’s a man to do? (A man)
No one wants the truth
This state without religion
Forbids us all to voice opinions
Save for theirs and that’s not fair at all
Faithless love (Woah oh oh oh)
Facebook love
Don’t trust free speech
They cannot stand the way you preach
But names will never hurt me though
Now they’re going to grab their sticks and stones
Faithless love (woah oh oh oh)
Faithless love (woah oh oh oh oh)
Faithless love (woah oh oh oh oh)
Crush me, babe, with (crush me, baby) faithless love
Crush me, babe, with (crush me, baby) faithless love
Faithless love
Faithless love
198
Fakey Shaky Parts
Parody of:
“Achy Breaky Heart” by Billy Ray Cyrus
Donald Von Tress
Bible References:
2 Timothy 3:16, Matthew 24:35, Mark 13:31,
Luke 21:33, 2 Peter 3:16, Revelation 22:18-19
J’s Journal:
Some people want to pick and choose which parts of
the Bible they think are inspired. The Bible doesn’t
give us that option. As it says in 2 Timothy 3:16, “All
Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching,
rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness...”
Either believe it all or don’t believe it at all. All of
the parts go together, and the New Testament is
built upon the Old Testament. I wrote this parody
in 1994, along with “Bends to Low Places.” On this
track, David McKee carries on the grand tradition of
having the drummer count in the last song on a CD,
started by Keith Harrold on Isn’t Wasn’t Ain’t and
continued by Rick Servocky on Radical History Tour.
Bob Flaherty didn’t count us in on the last track on
Ticked; but when we were recording those, we didn’t
know which track would be the last track.
You can tell the world
With banners all unfurled
You just learned Theology 101
And you can say you went
To Bible school and then
The class you took said half the book was wrong
You can fill your heart
With lots of question marks
You’ll still tell me Jesus is your Lord
But I can tell you this
If it was hit or miss
I wouldn’t read the Bible anymore
Don’t tear apart the sacred Word of God
You just gotta take it as it stands
Cause if it’s all a farce with fakey shaky parts
You might as well dump it in the can
You can tell me John
And Luke and Mark was wrong
You can say that’s not what Christ would say
But tell me, brother, this:
Did Jesus tell a fib?
He said His words would never pass away
Go read verse 3:16
In Second Timothy
It says all Scripture comes with God’s OK
So you I’ll tell goodbye
And watch out for your pride
Cause I’ll be walkin’ out on you today
CHORUS
Noah and the ark and Abraham and Lot
Isaac and Rebekah and the twins
And Ishmael I forgot and Jacob and Esau
The Bible’s built upon these men
199
Fast Paul
Parody of:
“The Way” by Fastball
Anthony M. Scalzo
Bible References:
Romans 10:14, 15:20; Acts 9:2, 19:9, 19:23,
22:4, 24:14, 24:22
J’s Journal:
The Apostle Paul was not your average missionary,
so why should we expect him to have an average
mission statement? Check out what he says in
Romans 15:20: “It has always been my ambition
to preach the gospel where Christ was not known,
so that I would not be building on someone else’s
foundation.” Paul’s life was as a missionary was
glorious but it wasn’t glamorous. In 2 Corinthians
1:24-26, he recounted some of the hardships he’d
faced: “Five times I received from the Jews the
forty lashes minus one. Three times I was beaten
with rods, once I was stoned, three times I was
shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open
sea, I have been constantly on the move. I have
been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits,
in danger from my own countrymen, in danger
from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in
the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from
false brothers.” But Paul still kept going ... and
going ... and going. As he said in Romans 10:14,
“How, then, can they call on the one they have not
believed in? And how can they believe in the one of
whom they have not heard? And how can they hear
without someone preaching to them?”
He made up his mind then he started acting
He left to find the ones that God would save
There’s people who eternal life are lacking
But how will they know it without preachers showing the Way?
He laid down that line in Romans 10:14
But Paul had more important things to say
The letters Paul wrote down they are exhorting
Us to get going and out there to show them the Way
Anyone could see the world if they wanted to stay with Paul
‘cause he’d always run to wherever God called
To different countries and every sort of place
You can see his travels would lead him everywhere
The whole way to Rome but he didn’t get scared
He wanted to find those who hadn’t yet heard the Way that saves
The churches sprang up and he organized them
He left in charge the ones that God ordained
He just wrote lots of letters for to guide them
If you don’t know them, go out and read Romans today
“Let me go to somewhere they’ve never been told.
If everyone’s stuck here – we’ll never get no-one saved!”
He could see his travels would lead him everywhere
You know that in Romans 15 he declared:
“I wanna preach Christ where they haven’t yet heard the Way that saves
But if your line’s busy you’ll never get called
You’ll never get rung if – you never get bold and brave
You can see his travels takin’ him everywhere
The whole way to Rome but he didn’t get scared
He wanted the highway – Cause that’s where he’d heard the Way – to save
200
Fearful
Hey, well, I can sense the danger of an accident
A-when I hop inside my car
I’ve got scriptures that tell me God will never abandon me
I’ll take Him with me near and far
Parody of:
“Vehicle” by The Ides of March
Jim Peterik
Bible References:
Isaiah 41:10
J’s Journal:
A soothsayer told Julius Caesar to “beware the
ides of March,” but the Bible tells us not to fear
anything but the Lord. In Isaiah 41:10, God tells His
people, “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be
dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you
and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous
right hand.” He has not given us a spirit of fear,
but of power, love, and a sound mind (2 Timothy
1:7). Our old sound man Greg Spack played guitar
and bass on this one, and we used a genuine horn
section – three guys from a local band called Street
Level – Mike “Mongo” Bajsec on alto sax, Jeff
Martin on trumpet, and George Dorow on tenor
sax. Bill Hubauer played the keyboards. This song
came out in mid-July 2014, along with “Old Man.”
I’m not fearful, baby
He’s with me everywhere I’m gonna go
I’ve had fearful moments
But I found my Lord you know
When God loves ya (loves ya)
He keeps ya (keeps ya)
I know that lots can happen now but
Praise God in Heaven, I know I’ll come through
Well, if you want to see a move of God
I’m gonna take you to the Holy Book
And if you wanna pray to let Him in your heart
You know I think you really should
I’m not fearful, baby
He’s with me everywhere I’m gonna go
I’ve had miracle moments
I found my Lord you know
Oh, you know it’s true
Well, I can sense the danger of an accident
A-when I hop inside my car
But God’s scriptures tell me He will never abandon me
I’ll take Him with me near and far
I’m not fearful, babe
God’s with me everywhere I’m gonna go
I’ve had tearful moments
But I found my Lord you know
I know that – a lot can happen
And I’m not fearful, babe – oh, alright
You know, when God loves ya (loves ya)
201
I do believe in You and I know You’re redeeming me
Oh yeah, oh yeah
And now I realize I’m not all that I’m s’posed to be
Oh yeah, oh yeah
And though I’m not too good at walkin’ in this grace
I do believe I’m feelin’ stronger in the faith
Parody of:
“Feelin’ Stronger Every Day” by Chicago
Peter Cetera & James Pankow
Bible References:
Romans 8:29; 2 Corinthians 4:16-18, 12:9-10;
Philippians 4:13; Ephesians 3:16, 6:10
J’s Journal:
It’s one of the great paradoxes of the faith: the
more we realize our need for Christ, the stronger
we get. “For when I am weak, then I am strong”
(2 Corinthians 12:10). “Though outwardly we are
wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed
day by day” (2 Corinthians 4:16). I wrote this
parody in May 2013, although we didn’t record it
till September 2014. “Feellin’ Stronger Every Day”
was my favorite Chicago song (I think it was Hubie’s
favorite, too), so it was a sacrifice to spoof it, but
the parody lyrics just came pouring out one day,
and we both liked them too much not to record
it. Tom Milnes played guitars and bass on this,
and we used a real brass section – Mike “Mongo”
Bajsec on alto sax, Jeff Martin on trumpet,
and George Dorow on tenor sax.
I know You really died to get Your sheep to the other side
Oh yeah, oh yeah
So now that Christ has come, Your chosen ones can live on and on
Oh yeah, oh yeah
And though I’m not too good at walkin’ in this grace
I do believe I’m feelin’ stronger in the faith
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Oh
After blood You shed for me
Ooh, daily now I can praise You easily
Yeah, yeah, yeah
I know that on Calvary (ahhhh)
The worst thing to happen to You (ahhhh)
Was the best thing to happen to me (ahhhh)
Yeah, yeah, yeah
LEAD
Feelin’ stronger in the faith
Feelin’ stronger in the faith
Feelin’ stronger in the faith (No turnin’ back now)
202
Preach it!
We make up ways to spoof things you don’t wanna know
They have to come clean once these skill sets flow
We fix crude language with wholesome words
But some preachers seem to act like it’s some kind of curse
You gotta fight – for your right – to parody
Parody of:
“(You Gotta) Fight For Your Right (to Party)” by
The Beastie Boys
The Beastie Boys, Rick Rubin & Tom Cushman
Bible References:
Titus 1:15, John 7:24
J’s Journal:
Welcome to the Christian parody biz. It’s time to
get illuminated on this new style, so check it out.
Say hello to all your nasty critics. It’s a sure shot
you’ll face triple trouble – from anti-rock preachers,
anti-Christian secularists, and anti-parody snobs
who think rhyming with the original is just stealing
somebody’s song. Something’s got to give. Will
it be you? Although I did the three different lead
vocals (trying my best to imitate Ad-Rock, MCA,
and Mike D), we brought in native New Yorker Chris
VonBartheld to add some authentic Long Island
sound to the choruses. It was he who suggested
that I pronounce “asked” as “axed” in the second
verse to make it sound more Brooklyn. Licensed
to Ill, the Beastie Boys album that featured “Fight
for Your Right,” was one of the last albums I really
got into before I became a born-again Christian. I
walked into a record store, heard a fascinating mix
of rap, rock, samples, and pop-culture references,
and bought it then and there. Obviously, my lyrical
leanings are different now. I started writing this
parody sometime in the early 2000’s. I had the
chorus and a bunch of different options for lines that
I couldn’t get to work together. When we decided
to finally record the song in 2015, I forced myself
to keep working on it till I had something I liked.
Most of the lyrics in the final version were written
in 2015, including some at a McDonald’s drive-thru.
The pop culture’s hopin’ that we’ll just go away
Asked if we’d quit – nope, too much to say
Man, if you’re not prone to cuss and brag
Now they’ll mock you and play ya just for a gag
(Trust me)
I talked about all this loud to catch the folks who’re unaware
I’ll teach you how to find hope if you don’t cuss and swear
The snobs fuss as if we’re just such bad boys
Aw, snobs, you’re just jealous – it’s a free speech choice
Parrrrrrrody!
Parrrrrrrody!
203
Parody of:
“Livin’ on a Prayer” by Bon Jovi
Jon Bon Jovi, Richie Sambora & Desmond Child
Bible References:
Matthew 4:19, Mark 1:17, 1 Corinthians 7:17-20
J’s Journal:
This is a song about blooming where you’re planted.
God gives us all gifts in life, and those gifts often
seem to get enhanced once we get saved. Jesus
calls us to be fishers of men, and in ApologetiX
we use parodies, rock and roll, and humor as bait.
God trained us in those fields long before we
became born-again Christians. I got the idea for
this song while I was dating my wife, on a solo
car ride I took from her house in Mayfield, KY to a
concert in Green Bay, WI. Once I got the line about
fish filets, I knew I had to finish it.
(Once upon a time – God so loved the world ... )
Johnny used to work on the docks
Fishin’s been his life since John was a pup
It’s tough – to stop
He would work with Simon and James
Workin’ for his dad – he made fish fillets
For lunch – mmm – for lunch
He says
We gotta hold on to what we’re taught
Because we may be Christians doesn’t mean we forgot
We got deep water and nets and rods
So now
We’re fishin’ for God
Oh ... the pathway’s clear
Oh ... fishin’ on a pier
Hey, my man, the lake is right here
Karl has got a six-string that rocks
Now Keith’s on the bass
And the dude who plays the drums is tough
Mmm ... Fred’s tough
Jesus gave us somethin’ to say
Cause Christ’s in our lives ... now we’re fishers
Parody’s our bait ... some say
He called us as musicians and we’re praisin’ our God
We got deep water
And lots of rock and roll
They’re my band, the lake is right here
Fishin’ on a pier
LEAD
We gotta hold on – steady your rod
We fish for the guys that are called out by God
204
Parody of:
“Livin’ on a Prayer” by Bon Jovi
Jon Bon Jovi, Richie Sambora & Desmond Child
Bible References:
Matthew 4:19, Mark 1:17, 1 Corinthians 7:17-20
J’s Journal:
I started planning to re-do “Fishin’ on a Pier” about
a minute after we released it on Spoofernatural in
2000. That album was recorded at a time when my
voice was ragged from a cold and from cramming too
many songs into recording sessions in the midst of
a busy concert schedule. In my opinion, the lowest
point in my vocal performances on that album was
the original “Fishin’ on a Pier.” Unfortunately, that
song turned out to be one of our most popular
parodies, which compounded the problem. I used
to cringe when I’d see it near the top of the list of
our most-popular songs on iTunes, because I knew
it might be the first ApologetiX song a new listener
downloaded. Furthermore, the lyrics were already
outdated six months after it was released, once Fred
left the band. I knew Bon Jovi had redone “Livin’
on a Prayer” for his first greatest hits album, Cross
Road in 1994; so I figured if he could do it, we could,
too. So, when we did our ApologetiX Classics: The
80’s compilation, I deliberately kept it off, because
I wanted it to be redone on our next 80’s project,
which turned out to be Wise Up and Rock, the
following year. By then, we had five guys’ names
instead of four to cram into the lyrics, but it worked.
Of course, two years after that, Todd left, so it’s
outdated again. Oh well. Who said life was always
going to be a bed of roses, anyway?
(Once upon a time – God so loved the world ... )
Johnny used to work on the docks
Fishing’s been his life since John was a pup
It’s tough – to stop
He would work with Simon and James
Workin’ for his dad – he made fish fillets
For lunch – mmm – for lunch
He says
Because we may be Christians doesn’t mean we forgot
We got deep water and nets and rods, so now
Hey, my man, the lake is right here
Tommy’s taught his six-string to talk
With Keith, Todd, and me
Makin’ music Vegas rocks those drums
Mmm ... his drums
Jesus gave us somethin’ to say
Cause Christ’s in our lives ... now we’re fishers
Parody’s our bait ... some say
He called us as musicians and we’re praisin’ our God
We got deep water
And lots of rock and roll
They’re my band, the lake is right here
Fishin’ on a pier
LEAD
We gotta hold on – steady your rod
We fish for the ones that are called out by God
CHORUS
205
I’m baffled by the folks who like flirtin’ with the pastor
It’s hard to get ‘em through the door and they’re hardly comin’ after
They’re out of money, passed the buck when he took up a collection
Well, how much more must they make before God gets a fraction?
Parody of:
“Flirtin’ with Disaster” by Molly Hatchet
Danny Joe Brown, Dave Hlubek & Banner Thomas
Bible References:
Hebrews 10:25, 1 Timothy 5:17-18
J’s Journal:
Don’t be fooled by the title; it’s nothing scandalous.
This parody portrays the pastoral pitfalls of noncommital Christians. I confess that I got the title
first and thought, “This is too good to pass up …
if only I could find a wholesome application for
it somewhere!” Then I remembered how one of
the pastors at my church sometimes talks about
“Chreasters,” a term he uses for people who only
come to church on Christmas and Easter. I suppose
they’ll also come in times of crisis, but it seems to
me like they’re only “flirting” and unwilling to make
a long-term commitment. Then I thought about
about all the “church hopping/shopping” so many of
us Christians do, plus the folks who’d rather watch
church on television than participate in the real thing.
And don’t get me started on believers who have Bibles
on their shelves but won’t read them for themselves!
With all of that material to discuss, I knew the
title would work after all and the song wouldn’t
become one of those “dreams I’m never gonna see.”
They’re flirtin’ with the pastor, but they’ll go when in need
And then they run and hide till Easter and Christmas Eve
They got a Bible on the shelf but when they gonna read it?
They can’t commit time they do for lesser things
They’d rather lay down in their cozy homes
He’s still tryin’ to drag ‘em to Heaven though
They’re not tryin’ to turn that reverend gray
Seems like they may though anyway
(You know what I’m talkin’ about, maybe?)
Sneakin’ out on the pastor on Sunday the faithful go ‘round and ‘round
If they don’t like his sermons enough they leave and go crosstown
They want the best in troubadours and they like their funny laughter
And other guys just stay in bed and they wait for the hereafter
Flirtin’ with the pastor, y’all, I ain’t sure they know what they need
You know the way they run and hide till Easter and Christmas Eve
They got a Bible on the shelf but when they plan to read it?
You can’t just live your life through dudes on Christian TV
They’d rather lay down in their home sweet homes
Though they might return but never stay
They’re flirtin’ with the pastor anyway
(And you are too maybe)
(He’s prayin’ for everybody)
LEAD
Flirtin’ with the pastor, babe, they ain’t sure what they need
You know the way they run and hide till Easter and Christmas Eve
They got a Bible on the shelf but when they plan to read it?
They cram for this just like they do for SATs
They’d rather lay down in their cozy homes
Though the guy’s been burned by them, he prays
There’s certain things a pastor can’t forsake
206
Flurry
Parody of:
“Blurry” by Puddle of Mudd
Wesley Scantlin & Doug Ardito
Bible References:
Psalm 19:1-6; Romans 1:18-25, 2:14-15;
Isaiah 1:18
J’s Journal:
I once heard a pastor preach about how snowflakes
don’t seem to weigh anything, but when a bunch
of them pile up, they can get very heavy and bend
or break the branches off trees. He said that God
sends snowflakes (the evidence of Him) into our
lives one by one until we either bend (ignore the
evidence) or break (come to Him for salvation).
I’ve always liked that analogy, and I can see many
snowflakes (people, occurrences, “coincidences,”)
that happened in my life before I finally became a
born-again Christian. God sends snow like that into
all of our lives. The Bible says that the atheists and
agnostics have no excuse, because the majesty
and complexity of all creation proves that there is
a God. God also has given us a conscience, that
tells us that certain things are right and wrong,
as it says in Romans 2:14-15. In addition to the
witnesses of creation and conscience, God has
given the world His Word, the Bible, as the best
selling and most published book of all time. He
has also given the world missionaries and the
testimonies of “ordinary” believers in Jesus Christ.
All of these things combine to make an avalanche of
snow. Will you break or only bend?
Everything’s snow flurries and everyone’s snow flakes
Whatever God has sent you as evidence that snow adds up
It all combines and now you cannot lift it off
Like a branch you’re bound to somehow bend or fall
You can read in Romans 1 – you can read 19
You know our eyes detect Him from all that we have seen
I wonder what you’re doin’ – imagine there’s no God
This notion seems ingenius but that’s not very smart
Can you fake it all away, can you shake it all away
When it’s shoveled in your face, as plain as it can be
Can’t explain it all away, unless your brain’s evolved away
Well it doesn’t take much faith
Everyone is straying – they won’t accept God’s real
They make up their own ethics depending on just how they feel
But I am shocked at how you cannot hear that call
While the world around you shouts out there’s a God
And you can read the Psalms once, you can read 19
I know that God will save you so won’t you please come clean
And Romans chapter 2 says no matter where you are
Your conscience bears me witness
Cause God’s law’s there in your heart
Can’t explain it all away, can’t explain it all away
When it’s shoveled in your face, as plain as it can be
Can’t explain it all away, has your brain evolved away?
Well it doesn’t take much faith – it’s plain as it can be
Nobody goes to God and shouts “Nobody told me” judgment day
In the Word showed you where to turn
Showed you with the stuff He made
Folks that He showed you testified
Don’t forget what your conscience said
Every way showed you where to turn
Showed you yet you ran away
CHORUS
207
Fly Away from Hell
Parody of:
“Highway to Hell” by AC/DC
Bon Scott, Angus Young & Malcom Young
Bible References:
Mark 9:42-48, 1 Thessalonians 5:22
J’s Journal:
Some people have a misconception that Heaven
is boring and Hell is some kind of party, but the
Bible says Heaven is where the party is going to
be. This parody was written in the mid-90’s as part
of a marathon writing session of songs, some of
which we still haven’t recorded. We thought it was
fitting to put parodies of “Stairway to Heaven” and
“Highway to Hell” on the same CD, Chosen Ones. I
had to do the original AC/DC version of this song in
my first high-school rock band, Terminal; and even
though I wasn’t a born-again Christian, I dreaded
it. I loved the sound and beat of the song, but I
didn’t like the effect it had on my voice and I had
enough of a fear of God to worry about what I was
singing. I used to wait till the end of our practices
and performances before we did it, partially because
it wouldn’t wreck my voice for the rest of the show
and partially because I hoped the other guys in the
band would forget about that song and we wouldn’t
have to do it that night. It was a lot easier to sing
once we did it in ApologetiX. Sometimes we would
start with the old Gospel hymn “I’ll Fly Away” as
an intro. Other times, we would do the crooning,
lounge-lizard version of “Fly Away from Hell” to
give our fans something different.
It was easy, it was free
Jesus said, You know, you must decide
Asked Him nicely, Save me please
Make my every single sin washed white
So many reasons – for me to fry
Because of all the bad I do
Slow me down, throw me a line
I never wanna barbecue
I wanna fly away from hell
Wanna Fly away from hell
Fly away from hell
I wanna fly away from hell
Won’t drop by, won’t even visit
Nobody’s gonna point me down
I’ve been sealed – by His Spirit
I’m headed for the best place around
He saved me, paid my dues
Though I was a rotten man
Hey, Moses, wait for me
I’m on my way to the promised land
Whoa!
I’m gonna fly away from hell
Fly away from hell
Fly away from hell
Mmmmm
Don’t drop me!
Hey, hey, ow!
LEAD
Gonna fly away from hell
Gonna fly away from GUITAR
Fly away from hell (I’m gonna fly away from hell)
Fly away from hell (fly away from hell)
Fly away from hell (Mama, I’m gonna)
Fly away from hell
And I’m glory bound ... up and away!
Whoa!
Gonna fly away from hell
208
Fly Like Ezekiel
Check God’s book – do do do do
Take a look – do do do do
Time to seek some vision, vision, vision – into the future
Parody of:
“Fly Like An Eagle” by Steve Miller
Steve Miller & Steve McCarty
Bible References:
Ezekiel 3:12-14, 8:3, 11:1, 11:24, 37:1, 43:5;
Acts 8:39; 2 Corinthians 12:2
J’s Journal:
The prophet Ezekiel described numerous times
when the Spirit of the Lord lifted him up and took
him places in visions of God. Wouldn’t you like to
fly like Ezekiel? When my oldest daughter, Janna,
was a little girl, I read a lot of Bible stories to her
from children’s Bibles, but I also used to tell her
other stories that those children’s Bibles left out.
The stories of Ezekiel flying, especially in the valley
of dry bones in chapter 37, were probably her
favorites. I got the lyrics for this parody in 1996
or 97, shortly after Seal did a cover version of the
Steve Miller original for the “Space Jam” movie, but
it had to wait its turn while we recorded other Steve
Miller parodies like “Apostle Me” (1998), “Be Bold
Jeremiah” (2001), and “Jehovah” (2006). We finally
recorded it in 2014 and released it in early June that
year. The original is an old favorite of Bill Hubauer’s,
evidenced by the fact that Hubie did keyboards,
guitars, and bass on our version.
I wanna fly like Ezekiel – the Jewish priest
Fly like Ezekiel – let God’s Spirit carry me
I want to fly like Ezekiel – chapter 3
Oh, whoa, read the revelation
See the valley – where bones gathered up to be
Human skeletons – with no flesh or physique
Now they’re people – livin’ human beings
Ohhhh, there’s our salvation
I want to fly like Ezekiel – do you see?
Fly like Ezekiel – 37’s where we read
I want to fly like Ezekiel – are you like me?
I-I need a revelation
Do do do do – do do do do
I want to fly like Ezekiel – through the trees
Fly like Ezekiel – 8, 11, 43
I want to fly like Ezekiel – feel that breeze
I-I need a revelation
LEAD
Check God’s book – do do do do – take a look
209
Follow Me
Parody of:
“Follow Me” by Uncle Kracker
M. Shafer & M. Bradford
Bible References:
Acts 12:2; Matthew 4:18-22, 8:19-22, 9:9, 10:38,
16:24, 19:21; Mark 1:16-20, 2:14, 8:34, 10:21;
Luke 5:27, 9:23, 9:59-62, 14:27, 18:22; John
1:43, 10:27, 12:26, 13:36-38, 21:19-22
J’s Journal:
One of the simplest and yet hardest commands
Jesus ever gave His disciples was “follow Me.”
Sure it was easy enough for the disciples to follow
Him through Galilee, but the road got harder as
it led to Jerusalem and, ultimately, to Calvary.
According to what we know from church history,
all of Jesus’ original 12 Apostles were martyred
except for Judas (who committed suicide) and John
(who still got banished to the isle of Patmos for a
while). However, the Bible only officially records the
death of the first apostle to be martyred – John’s
brother, James. We decided to write a song from
James’s perspective, speculating on what might
have been going through his mind while he was in
jail, facing death at the hands of King Herod Agrippa
I. We don’t know for sure that James was held in
jail before his execution, but that’s a pretty fair
guess, seeing as Agrippa I captured Peter soon
after with the intention of executing him and kept
him in prison first. (Peter was rescued by an angel
while awaiting execution.) Herod’s father, Herod
Antipas, also kept John the Baptist in jail before
beheading him. I don’t like using the same title as
the original when I write a parody, but this one
fell in place too easily to pass it up.
You don’t know how He met me – You don’t know why
You can’t turn around my faith in Christ
Long ago I went-a fishin’ one day at sea
He said to me, “James, try some fishin’ for Me”
“And if You want to leave life in Galilee
“You know I’ll go gladly just like Thee”
I’m not worried ‘bout the king out there
Cause the Lord has got my soul and my body don’t care
You feel I’m guilty and I’m well aware
A funeral’s booked for James but baby I’m not scared
He told me, “Follow Me, ” and I said, “Jesus, all right
“I’ll be the one to trust You with his life
“And if You’re gonna be fightin’ Pharisees
Forgive me, Mama, I can’t kiss you goodbye
You’re better off if you don’t drop by
I’m locked in prison; I’ll soon go away
Maybe they’ll write of this in Acts 12 someday
“Follow Me, ” and I said, “Jesus, all right
“And if You want to lead to Gethsemane
You don’t know how He met me – You don’t know Christ
You’ve captured me now and say I’ll die
All I know is when I’ve left you, I’m breaking free
So cling to your vain lives, I’m itchin’ to leave
“And if You want to lead up to Calvary
“And if You want to lead up to Calvary
“And if You want to lead up to Heavenly
210
A trusted friend knew about a million words
Another mental genius I’ve known
He didn’t care ‘bout Jesus Christ, no sir
‘Cause he worshiped gold and the Stones
But then a fool can sound intelligent –a fool can sound intelligent
A fool can sound intelligent – a fool can sound intelligent
Parody of:
“Fooled Around and Fell in Love” by Elvin Bishop
Elvin Bishop
Bible References:
Psalm 14:1-3, 53:1-3; Romans 1:18-23; Proverbs
17:28
J’s Journal:
It sure feels good when others say you’re smart.
It’s a feeling we all like (not that we’re fishin’ for
compliments). But some folks let it flow straight
to their ego, never thanking the true Source. They
holler and shout “there is no God!” But intelligence
and wisdom are different things. You can have one
without the other, but you can’t have either without
God. Having spoofed Priest twice (Judas Priest, that
is), I suppose it was inevitable that we move on to
a Bishop, right? The only question was whether
it would be Stephen or Elvin. I could go on and on
about Stephen, but I’ll save it for a rainy day. I
picked Elvin because Tinch texted me one Sunday
in July 2015 while I was at my in-laws’ in Kentucky
to say that he thought “Fooled Around and Fell in
Love” would be a great song for us. I knew that
already, because he’d suggested it a year or two
earlier. So I already had it on my list of “someday
maybe” songs, but then I fooled around with it and
fell in love with the parody lyrics I got. Most of the
song was done that day. Chris VonBartheld played
organ and piano on this track, which was the first
to feature the “new” piano at Jimmy’s studio. Hubie
supplied the faux pedal steel. I didn’t have a specific
person in mind when I wrote about the guy in the
first verse (I’ve had multiple friends in my life like
him), but the guy in the second verse was definitely
me, especially in the years right before I met Christ.
It used to be when I’d seek a purpose in life
I read lots of books with bright-soundin’ names
But when they’d ask if I was gonna be there on the other side
I preferred outer space
But then a fool can sound intelligent –a fool can sound intelligent
Did I mention, baby?
A fool can sound intelligent – a fool can sound intelligent
Ooooooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh
Aaaaah aahh ah – aaaah aahh ah
Leavin’ God alone – that’s the way I used to be
But since I met the Savior – I’ve got a whole other philosophy
(Fool can sound intelligent) Truth has got a hold of me now – yeah!
(Fool can sound intelligent) I just can’t go on the same way
(Fool can sound intell-igent) I am not judging you now
(Fool can sound intelligent) Hey-ay-ay-ay!
But a fool can sound (fool can sound)
A fool can sound (fool can sound)
Intelligent
Yes indeed (fool can sound)
Poor old fool (fool can sound)
Intelligent
Oh oh oh (fool can sound)
Hey hey (fool can sound)
Intelligent
211
For Just You
Parody of:
“Forget You” by Cee Lo Green
Christopher “Brody” Brown, Bruno Mars, Cee Lo
Green, Philip Lawrence & Ari Levine
Bible References:
Luke 15:1-32, Matthew 18:12-14, 1 Peter 2:25
J’s Journal:
Maybe you’ve heard this statement before: “Jesus
would have died on the cross for you even if you
were the only sinner in the world.” Is there any
biblical evidence to back that up? Well in Luke 15:47, Jesus told a parable about a shepherd leaving
99 in his flock to find one lost sheep, and added,
“I tell you that in the same way there will be more
rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than
over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need
to repent.” We debuted this song live at our 20th
anniversary concert on the 20:20 CD and DVD.
The female vocalists on that were Elaine Heitzer,
Lisa Peduzzi, and Amie Shannan. When we did the
studio version on Hot Potato Soup, we brought in
Keith’s wife, Krista, and their daughters, Sarah
and Abby, for the vocals.
Would Jesus Christ have come down from His throne above
To come die for just you? (ooh ooh ooh)
Well, if a sheep in His flock is wanderin’ off, He’ll find
And get you like good shepherds do
Well, you’ll find in Scripture, He’s real efficient
(At catchin’ sheep, at catchin’ sheep)
And though it’s strange to suggest
We’re like fish in His nets, we’re lives He rescued
He’ll hold a soiree when He finds where you are, eh?
But that don’t mean He’ll just let you there
You could be next door, or on a safari
But on the day you pray He’ll pay your fare
Like Pepé Le Pew – nobody wanted you
(Although we was both stinkers, His love still grows bigger)
Oooh! When God’s son chooses you
Yeah, go on, and tell me you ain’t a bit important
We’re like fish in His nets, we’re lives He rescued
Well, I know it’s hard to swallow
But, babe, He’s skilled at findin’ sheep
Christ can reach ya, Christ can keep ya
‘Cause Jesus’ love is everlasting deep
Like Pepé Le Pew – nobody wanted you
(Although we was both stinkers, His love still grows bigger)
Oooh! So what’s your new excuse?
Oooh! I really hate to ask right now
We’re like fish in His nets, we’re souls He rescued
Amazing grace that saved me I was blind and such a jerk and so bad
(So bad, so bad, so bad)
When I was still a prodigal, He told me, kid, don’t run from your Dad
(Your Dad, Your Dad, Your Dad)
Like uh – Why? (uh) Why? (uh) Why evade Him?
(Uh) God loves you! (Uh) God still loves you!
212
Found God
Parody of:
“Hound Dog” by Elvis Presley
Jerry Leiber & Mike Stoller
Bible References:
John 5:24, 11:25; Luke 23:43; Matthew 7:7;
Romans 8:1
J’s Journal:
This song is based on John 5:24, where Jesus says,
“I tell you the truth, whoever hears my word and
believes him who sent me has eternal life and will
not be condemned; he has crossed over from death
to life.” What more of a guarantee could you ask for?
We used to do this song live in 1994-95, but it was
called “Never Gonna Doubt God,” and it consisted of
two verses that repeated three times apiece. That
gets monotonous, even in a short song like that.
When we decided to record it for Hits: The Road,
I changed the title and made it so none of the six
verses are identical. I rewrote the verses the same
day we were scheduled to record it live. And I still
had those old words ingrained in my mind. I spent
much of the trip to Rhode Island that day writing
and rehearsing the words. Then we decided not to
record till the next night in New York!
I ain’t nothin’ but I found God
It took quite a long time
I went knockin’ and I found God
In spite of all my crimes
Well, I had several naughty habits
But my faith was genuine
Well, He said to me I’d pass
From death right into life
Yes, He said to me I’d pass
Well, in verse 24 I read it
There In St. John chapter 5
I ain’t nothin’ but I found God
Christ is bona fide
He came knockin’ and I found God
I said, Christ, come inside
Well, I repented of my habits
And I waved those sins goodbye
LEAD
Yes, He said to me I’d pass
Well, in Luke 23 the robber
Got the same promise as I
LEAD
You know, He said to me, I’d pass
Well, He said Heaven’s automatic
If you place your faith in Christ
You ain’t nothin’ till you’ve found God
Find Him while there’s time
You keep knockin’ till you’ve found God
Christ, He doesn’t hide
Well, it’s in 7:7 Matthew
You seek and then you’ll find
213
Genny 22
Parody of:
“867-5309/Jenny” by Tommy Tutone
A. Call & J. Keller
Bible References:
Genesis 22
J’s Journal:
This is the story of Abraham and Isaac from Genesis
22. Verse 2 sets the scene: “Then God said, ‘Take
your son, your only son, Isaac, whom you love, and
go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a
burnt offering on one of the mountains I will tell you
about.’ ” This song picks it up from there. “Genny
22” and “Meshach” were both rescued from the
garbage heap by my wife, Lisa, and Keith’s wife,
Krista. I had the choruses and the first several lines
written for both songs, and I shared them with the
band while Lisa and Krista were there. I had hit a
brick wall in both songs and was ready to trash
them, but the ladies wouldn’t let me.
Genesis twenty-two’s where I turn to
To get the story of Isaac no one knew
I know you think Ike’s life was prob’ly a bore
Because his famous father loved the Lord
When he was lots more younger Isaac was saved in time
When the Lord told His father
Abraham sacrifice Me your child
Take sticks sacrifice Me your child
Abraham sacrifice Me your child
Isaac sacrificed, me oh my
Daddy, daddy – that’s a grill for meat
And you won’t tell me why today we don’t have sheep
I tried to tell you before – but I lost my nerve
I tried to find another way son – but I trust His Word
Daddy, I’m on the lumber – why did you take your knife
There is an angel up there
Abraham, I’m satisfied, free your child
Your faith has satisfied me all right
Abraham, I’m satisfied, free your child
Your faith has satisfied me all right
Hey, Daddy! Hey, Daddy!
We’ve got a lamb there after all
Hey, Daddy! Hey, Daddy!
When you get time – let’s have a good long talk!
LEAD
When your begotten son’s there
How can you take his life?
Yet we know God the Father
Made this sacrifice with Jesus Christ
Genny 22’s where I turn to
God saved Isaac in time and we all must learn the truth
(To make it to Heaven find Jesus Christ)
Find Jesus Christ! Find Jesus Christ!
214
Get a Bite
Parody of:
“Let It Ride” by Bachman-Turner Overdrive
Randy Bachman & Charles Turner
Bible References:
Luke 5:1-11
J’s Journal:
This is Peter’s account of Jesus calling him to be a
fisher of men. The first two verses take place right
after Peter first meets Jesus. The lyrics after the
lead are spoken much later, long after Jesus has
ascended and Peter and the other Apostles are out
building the Church. Keith plays lead guitar on this
one on Chosen Ones, which is fitting since he’s such
a big BTO fan. I already had this (and the other two
BTO parodies) written before he joined the band, and
I only changed one line when it was time to finally
record it. It was originally “I’ve been doing His work
now – while He’s been up in the sky,” but I changed
that to “I’ve been doing His works now – while
He’s been doin’ mine.” The song was not fragile; it
just needed a little strengthening.
We tried – all night – no dice – couldn’t get a bite
We tried – all night – no dice – couldn’t get a bite
We came in this mornin’ when I met Jesus Christ
Tryin’, tryin’, tryin’ to get a bite
Where’ve you been at Simon?
I’ve been fishin’ half the night
He said, would you try
If I showed you how to find ‘em
Would you take a ride – if I get inside?
He sure proved right
‘Cause our boats almost capsized
From all the fish we fried – when our net had dried
Lived my life in Galilee – Capernaum is my town
Says that He wants me to fish for men
But I just don’t know how
He said, would you try
If I showed you how to find ‘em
With a bait that’s right? Would you get excited?
And would you try
If I called you my disciple
Would you preach for Christ? Could you get a bite?
LEAD
I’ve been doing His works now
While He’s been doin’ mine
And would you cry
If I told you that He died
And that He gave His life? Would I get a bite?
And would you try
If I told you how to find Him
Would you take advice?
Would you let Him inside? (3X)
Would you let Him inside? (ah ha)
Would you let Him inside?
DRUMS
Try, try, try to get a bite (9X)
Would you let Him inside (4X)
215
Get Found Tonight
Parody of:
“Get Down Tonight” by KC & the Sunshine Band
Harry Wayne Casey & Richard Finch
Bible References:
Matthew 18:12-13, Luke 15:4-6
Baby, baby, let’s get the Shepherd
Honey, hon, He’s seeking you
In Luke 15, ah, do ya think that we’d lie to you?
Are you a little lamb? Maybe a little lost?
Get found tonight! Get found tonight
You a little lamb? Maybe a little lost?
Get found tonight! Get found tonight
Baby, baby, He’ll meet you
Name the place, name the time
When sheep have left the pasture
He’ll leave the 99
CHORUS
Matthew 18, uh-huh, I like it – Matthew 18, uh-huh, I like it
Sheep, sheep, sheep – Shepherd’s looking, Shepherd’s looking
Sheep, sheep, sheep – Shepherd’s looking, Shepherd’s looking
Are you looking man, are you looking man, turn to God
Are you looking man, are you looking man, you must be lost!
Sheep, He’s coming now, Sheep, He’s coming now
Don’t stop Him now, He’ll stop at nothing
Sheep, don’t go!
J’s Journal:
This song elaborates on how the Good Shepherd
leaves the 99 to find the one lost sheep. The idea
hit me sometime in late January 2003 or early
February 2003, and the lyrics were completed
soon after. I remember singing the finished lyrics to
the other band members on our way to a concert
in Missouri in early February. Numerous KC & the
Sunshine Band references are included at the end.
Actually, it’s a medley of parodies of KC’s biggest
hits in chronological order. “Get Down Tonight” (#1)
was the first, followed by “That’s the Way I Like It”
(#1), “(Shake Shake Shake) Shake Your Booty” (#1),
“I’m Your Boogie Man” (#1), “Keep it Comin’ Love”
(#2), and “Please Don’t Go” (#1).
216
Gideon (Man of God)
Parody of:
“Get It On (Bang a Gong)” by T. Rex
Marc Bolan
Bible References:
Judges 6-8
J’s Journal:
Gideon is a Bible character many people have heard
of but few are familiar with, unless they’ve read
his story in Judges 6-8. I was first made aware
of what a powerful story it is at a Bible study I
used to attend on Tuesday nights, the same Bible
study where I’d later meet some of the other
first members of ApologetiX. It’s similar to David
and Goliath in how God takes an underdog and
turns him into a hero, except David had courage
and strong faith from the start and Gideon didn’t.
The first draft of this parody was written for and
performed at the Paradise Club’s first-anniversary
concert in August 1992, and we released it on
our Parable Guy cassette that fall. Back then, it
was called “Gideon (Midian)”; I always liked the
way Gideon’s name rhymed with the homeland of
his foes. By the year 2000, I was ready to begin
rewriting it with an eye (or ear) toward making the
lyrics sound more like the original, starting with
the title and chorus, where I changed “Midian”
and “Man of God,” which rhymed a lot better with
“Bang a Gong.” I loved the original T. Rex version
of the song as a boy, and when the Power Station
released their cover in 1985, I really dug that, too.
Consequently, we recorded the T. Rex version for
the Soundproof CD, but we would often do a hybrid
version at subsequent concerts, incorporating
elements from the Power Station’s version to
make the live experience more fun. Well, you heard about me
Get the facts – go look back in the Judges
It’s there that we’ll meet, oh yeah
Well, I’m siftin’ the wheat
I got to sneak off and hide when I want to
‘Cause dirty creeps they rule my world
Gideon – man of God – Gideon
Gideon – man of God – Gideon
Well, I still got the call
I got it from some guy with a halo
Said build God an altar, yeah
Well, I’m an untrained youth but the dude
Said I’m s’posed to rule Israel
I heard him speak but still not sure
CHORUS
Well, I waited a while
And God sent proof with the dew on the cloth piece
And then it was dry, oh yeah
Well, I was still kind of scared
But God sent one last sign as I laid low
I heard a dream that cured my nerves
CHORUS
Well, you heard about me
Get the facts – go look back in the Judges
Chapters 6 through 8, oh yeah
Will you glance at the book
You’ll advance and meet Samson there and me
And other people who ruled my world
217
Gideon’s Comin’
Parody of:
“Gimme Some Lovin’ ” by The Spencer Davis Group
and The Blues Brothers
Steve Winwood, Spencer Davis & Muff Winwood
Bible References:
Judges 6-8
J’s Journal:
I wrote an early version of this parody in the
summer of 1992. I think we only played it once, at
the Paradise Club, but I do have a recording of that
somewhere. I always wanted to record it properly
but had to wait 21 years. In the fall of 2013, the
music director at my church asked me to perform it
at a special concert with local soul singer, Sputzy
Sparacino. I’d given him a good-sized list of soul
parodies I’d recently written with that concert in
mind. On a lark, I threw “Gideon’s Comin’ ” on the
list, too. Wouldn’t you know it would be one of the
songs he selected? When I took another look at the
lyrics of the parody, they weren’t nearly as good
as I remembered, so I tore it down and rebuilt it as
quickly as I could. The first line and the title are about
the only thing I didn’t change. Both versions were
based on the story of Gideon in Judges 6-8 and sung
from his perspective. The gist of the song is that if
God could turn timid Gideon into a mighty warrior,
He can do the same for you. He knows what’s
inside you better than you do, because He’s the one
who put it there in the first place. Hey!
Well, to test the Lord twice I put the fleece on the floor
Many people talkin’ – are we gonna go to war
Let me say, baby, I’m a-goin’ with God
But the devil’s way is easy – His way is not
So grab your faith and
Go act courageous
Choose God, ‘cause
Gideon’s comin’ (Get up, Gideon’s comin’)
Gideon’s comin’
Better be brave
Hey, yay
Hey!
Well, if you know God, and you think He fell behind
He rarely makes it early but He makes it on time
If you start sayin’, “I don’t know what to do!”
Pray for wisdom, baby, and He’ll have it for you
So grab your faith and
Go act courageous
Choose God, ‘cause
Gideon’s comin’
Better be brave
Hey, yay
Hey!
Well, if you know God, and your Bible’s sittin’ high
You better take and read it in the place where I reside
Didn’t start brave, but I ended good
But if God has your back, honey, anybody could
So grab your faith and (hey, hey)
Go act courageous
You’ve got a
Gideon comin’ (Get up, Gideon’s comin’)
Gideon comin’ (Get up, Gideon’s comin’)
Gideon comin’ (Get up, Gideon’s comin’) Better be brave
Gideon comin’ (Get up, Gideon’s comin’) Better be brave
REPEAT
218
Gimme Helper
Ooooh Ooooh Ooooh (REPEAT 3X)
Ooh, well, the Lord has said that
Christ will abide in me
If I don’t get the Helper
Today, I’m gonna wait and pray
Parody of:
“Gimme Shelter” by The Rolling Stones
Bible References:
John 14:15-26, 15:26-27; Acts 1:4-7, 2:1-13
J’s Journal:
Written from the viewpoint of the disciples as they
await and then receive the “Helper” Jesus promised
(the Holy Spirit), this parody was our first to
feature Keely Singer, who shares lead vocals with
me. Released on April 27, 2014, it was part of our
“Gimme Some Sign” EP. Tom Milnes played guitar
and bass on all three songs, which came together
in record time. We first decided to do the songs on
March 17. At the time, I only had lyrics for one of
the songs, “Communion Ain’t Just Bread Now,”
and all I had for that was the title, the opening line,
and part of the chorus! Nevertheless, I felt led to
start working on all three songs in faith, praying
that if God wanted us to do them, He would provide
the lyrics. Two days later, I had almost all the
lyrics for “Some Sign from Above.” The day after
that, I half of the lyrics for “Gimme Helper.” The
following day, I got all the lyrics for “Communion
Ain’t Just Bread Now.” By March 24, Jimmy had
all the drums recorded. By March 27, Tom had all
his guitar, bass, and vocal parts done. On March
28, I recorded vocals for “Some Sign from Above”
and “Gimme Helper,” and on March 31, I recorded
vocals for “Communion Ain’t Just Bread Now.” So
all three songs, including the lyrics, were basically
taken from start to finish in two weeks’ time!
“Gimme Helper” took slightly longer, because Chris
had to add piano on April 10, and Keely added her
vocals on April 14. Where God guides, God provides!
Lord Jesus, please send Him right away
Please send Him right away
Lord Jesus, please send Him right away
Please send Him right away – yeahh
Ooh, see the fire appearing
Now over people’s heads
Heard mighty wind blow across me
My Lord brought a friend
Lord Jesus, He sends Him out today
He sends Him out today
Lord Jesus, He sends Him out today
He sends Him out today – yeahhh
Pray, brothers!
He’s just a shout away, He’s just a shout away
Pray, brothers! Yeahh
Pray, brothers!
Hey, yeah yeah
Mmmm – well, the Lord is sending
Christ’s Spirit right to me
Gives me, gives me a Helper
So, I’m gonna pave the way
Lord Jesus, He’s just a shout away
He’s just a shout away
I said, the Father, listens
He hears His kids who pray
He gives His gift today
He gives us gifts today
He gives us gifts today
He gives us gifts today, gifts today, gifts today, hey
219
Gimme Pre-Trib
Parody of:
“Gimme Three Steps” by Lynyrd Skynyrd
Allen Collins & Ronnie Van Zant
Bible References:
1 Thessalonians 4:13-18; 2 Thessalonians 2:1-12;
Matthew 24:3-44; 1 Corinthians 15:51-52;
Revelation 3:8-10, 4:1-2, 11:12, 13:1-18,
14:4-16, 19:11-21
J’s Journal:
People have various views regarding the Rapture,
when the “dead in Christ” and “we who are still alive
and are left will be caught up together with them in
the clouds to meet the Lord in the air” (1 Thess. 4:1617). Some believe in a pre-tribulation, or pre-trib,
Rapture (occurring before the various disasters in
the Book of Revelation hit the earth). Others believe
in mid-trib; still others, in post-trib. And those aren’t
the only schools of thought. Tom Tincha believes
in pan-trib (i.e. everything will pan out in the end).
The singer in this song isn’t pushing for a particular
position – merely saying that if he gets to choose
when he goes to be with the Lord, “gimme pre-trib
... or before.” This song was a total gift from God.
Hubie was filling in for us at a concert in July 2011,
and he and Tinch started jamming in soundcheck on
“Gimme Three Steps,” and the idea for the title and
most of the chorus just popped into my head. When I
went to write the actual song, things came together
pretty quickly, and all the scripture verses I wanted
to use rhymed really well with where I needed to
place them in the song. Incidentally, the original
Skynyrd version was one of four songs I sang in
my first-ever live performance with a rock band,
during my senior year of high school. We’ve re-done
two other songs from thay performance, too; they
became “He Really Got Mad” and “Read Ephesians.”
Our Lord’s comin’ for us
And there’s a day called the Judgment
But the world ain’t in the mood
Then in walks a man with an un-Christian plan
And he’s a-workin’ for you-know-who
He’s a hateful fellow if you dare to rebel though
‘Cause you’ll die if you do
So it’s a time to prepare if you’re a man who’s scared
There just might be an out for you … to say excuse me!
Well, there’s several theories for that time
Our Lord takes us like a thief on a spree
‘Cause there’s a pre- and mid- and post-trib Rapture
And folks who like none of these
Oh, take a minute, Christians, and look at First Corinthians
In verse 15:52
And then both Thessalonians and in Matthew twentyFour and Revelation for clues
But won’t you gimme pre-trib, gimme pre-trib Rapture
Gimme pre-trib or before
Gimme pre-trib, gimme pre-trib Rapture
And they’ll never see me no more
For sure
LEAD
Well, it’s not clear today when those events take place
And we oughta dwell on the Lord
And I tell you: for some, to debate’s more fun
Than to wait for the Lord’s reward
He’ll return for me and them and you
That’s the day I’ll be looking for
And you’ll be hearin’ me singin’ the highest praise
As I’m heading up toward the Lord
But won’t you gimme pre-trib, gimme pre-trib Rapture
Gimme pre-trib or before
Gimme pre-trib, gimme pre-trib Rapture
Don’t know when we’re gonna see the Lord
Don’t even act sure
220
Go Right Now
Parody of:
“All Right Now” by Free
Paul Rodgers & Andy Fraser
Bible References:
John 1:29-51
There we stood with John B.
Simon’s brother, Andrew, and me
He said, “Hey, look at this
Now baby, there’s the Lamb of God who frees us from sins!”
I said, “Hey, what’s he sayin’, baby?
Andrew, could you please explain”
“No time to waste,” oh, he said to me
“Let’s move before the Savior walks away!” Ow!
Go right now! Baby let’s go right now!
Go right now! Baby let’s go right now!
We took a walk to Christ’s place
Talkin’ with the dude all the day
When we left, Andrew says,
“Maybe – I’ll get Simon, should we get James?”
He said, “Bro! Come over fast!
Cause I think the Lord’s here at last!”
He said, “What? The Lord above?”
But Simon found out quickly enough!
CHORUS
J’s Journal:
I wrote the original version of this parody in late
1992. It had extra verses that also described the
calling of Philip and Nathanael, but we decided
to shorten it and put it in a medley with “Apostle
Me,” since they both used a similar guitar pattern
and both talked about the Apostles. I liked having
the Apostle John refer to John the Baptist as
“John B” (kind of like “Sloop John B” or, if
you’re a rapper, “Snoop John B”).
221
God I Like About You
Parody of:
“What I Like About You” by The Romantics
Wally Palmar, Jimmy Marinos & Mike Skill
Bible References:
Hebrews 13:5, 13:8
J’s Journal:
This song is a little sloppy, but I think it’s one of
the most fun, energetic, and joyful parodies we’ve
done. It was fun to sing, and it was heartfelt. And
I like the guitar solo, which exudes joy to me. It’s
one of the first parodies I ever wrote, although we
didn’t record it till 1993. It’s also one of the only
praise and worship songs we’ve done.
Hey! Uh uh uh!
God, I like about You
You hold me tight
Never gonna let me go Never let me out of Your sight
Keep on listenin’ to my prayers
Tellin’ me that You will always be there
And that’s true
That’s what I like about You
You really know how I feel
When I get shot down, you’re around,
Showin’ me you’re truly real
Keep on listenin’ to my prayers
Tellin’ me that You will always be there
And that’s true
LEAD
You’re never goin’ away
You’re the Everlasting One
Yesterday, tomorrow, today
Keep on hopin’ that where I’ll be
Is walkin’ with You in eternity
And that’s true
Because You told me it’s true
Because You showed me it’s true
Because I know that it’s true
Because I know You’re the Truth
The Way, the Life
222
Hebrews 6:10 it’s right here – the thing to calm your fears
And give you inner strength – if you’ve been stumblin’
Do you take off on your own
And wonder when He’ll stop – forgiving all your faults?
Parody of:
“Slide” by The Goo Goo Dolls
God won’t forsake you where you are
He completes anything He starts
And God knows you’ve tried
Yeah, because He lives inside
Johnny Rzeznik
Though your life seems unfulfilled
The King’s still on the throne, your Father didn’t walk
He won’t disown you
Go to Romans 7, bro, He sees your inner man
There’s nothing Christ can’t change
Just give Him time here
Bible References:
Hebrews 4:15, 6:9-10; Romans 7:15-8:2;
Philippians 1:6; 1 Corinthians 1:8-9; Proverbs
28:13, Lamentations 3:22-23
He completes anything He starts
And God knows you’ve tried
Yeah, because He lives inside
J’s Journal:
I wrote this song for folks who fear they’ve failed
the Father once (or many times) too often. Ever
think you’ve pushed God’s grace too far? That
seems to be a common enough feeling among
Christians. Many years ago, I was struggling to
overcome something and really felt like I was failing
God. In despair I prayed, “God please remember all
that I’ve tried to do for You and don’t give up on
me.” I opened up my Bible without thinking, and
my finger was on Hebrews 6:10: “For God is not
unrighteous to forget your work and labour of love,
which ye have shewed toward his name, in that
ye have ministered to the saints, and do minister.”
What an encouragement it was to read that! Of
course, we don’t believe we’re saved by our good
works (Ephesians 2:8-10); however, those works
are often a sign to the outside world that God has
already saved us (James 2:18). Remember that “He
who began a good work in you will carry it on to
completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians
1:6). Romans 7 is also very helpful at times like
this, and don’t forget to read the sequel, Romans
8! Failure is not an option; it’s something we all
experience. “For we do not have a high priest who
is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but
we have one who has been tempted in every way,
just as we are – yet he did not sin” (Hebrews 4:15).
And Christ knows everything you ever did to feed His sheep
Do you think it counts for nothing at all?
No way
The grace of God’s abounding
Though you feel you’ve gone too far it’s not so far that you will fall
From grace
You’re gonna get carried somewhere safe
LEAD
Do you think it counts for nothing at all?
No way
The grace of God’s abounding
When you feel you’ve gone too far it’s not so far that you will fall
From grace
You’re gonna get carried somewhere safe
(I’d read Philippians 1:6)
Do you think that counts for nothing at all?
Yes, Christ knows everything you’ve done and everything you’ll do
He’s inside of you, I knew – what you’ve tried to do is proof
And Christ will never, never, never, never run away
223
God of Peace
I like the way that God can eas’ly save
A man from sin so foul
And I want to speak to you ‘bout the devil tonight
If your willing hearts all allow
‘Cause my God of peace will eas’ly beat him
And I know He won’t let me down
‘Cause He already sent him underground
Parody of:
“Peaceful Easy Feeling” by The Eagles
Jack Tempchin
And I found out a long time ago
What the devil can do to your soul
Ah, but he can’t tempt you any more
Than God tells him he’s allowed to go
‘Cause my God of peace will eas’ly beat him
And I know you know that deep down
‘Cause He already sent him underground
LEAD
Bible References:
Romans 15:33, 16:20; 1 Corinthians 10:13;
Philippians 4:9; 2 Corinthians 13:11; Hebrews
13:20; 1 Thessalonians 5:23; 2 Thessalonians 3:16
J’s Journal:
God is referred to as the “God of Peace” five times
in the New Testament, but that doesn’t mean He’ll
take it easy on the devil. Romans 16:20 says He’ll
soon take the devil and crush him under your feet. In
one sense, He’s already gone and done that through
Christ’s crucifixion and resurrection, although we
still await the final fulfillment as described in the
book of Revelation. Until then, the world will often
lionize those who do evil, but God is not mocked.
Nevertheless, He knows there’s a limit to our ability
to resist temptation, and He won’t let Satan take
us beyond that. So trust in the Lord and don’t
just go to Him as a last resort. I think I wrote
this parody back in the early 1990’s. I really liked
Romans 16:20 and was glad to get it into one of
our songs. Tom Milnes was a busy boy on this one,
providing guitars, bass, and backing vocals, over
the course of three sessions. There was a lot of
work to do, but he’s very efficient; you don’t get a
lot of wasted time with that fella. I guess those demons might still call you
‘Cause they love to tempt the flesh
But His voice keeps whispering if you’ll only hear:
Call Me; I never leave you in distress
‘Cause my God of peace will eas’ly beat them
And I know they won’t just rebound
‘Cause He already sent them
Christ already sent them
Yes, Christ already sent them
Underground
224
God’s Blood
Parody of:
“Hot Blooded” by Foreigner
Lou Gramm & Mick Jones
Bible References:
Acts 20:28; Isaiah 1:11, 1:18; John 6:53-58;
Hebrews 9:22, 10:4
J’s Journal:
The Bible says, “the law requires that nearly
everything be cleansed with blood, and without the
shedding of blood there is no forgiveness” (Hebrews
9:22). But it also says, “it is impossible for the blood
of bulls and goats to take away sins” (Hebrews
10:4). The blood of Christ, however, accomplishes
what no other sacrifice could. Why? Because it’s
God’s blood. As Acts 20:28 says, “Be shepherds of
the church of God, which he bought with his own
blood.” This parody was written sometime back in
1995-96 during a particularly prolific period, but it
had a few clunky lines, so I was never totally satisfied
with it. The finishing lyrical touches didn’t come
until 2012. I figured we’d better record it before my
voice got too old to sing like Lou Gramm! Well, now – God’s blood is – shed just for me
And all the people that are gonna believe
C’mon baby, you can be born again
It’s God’s blood and – He’s got plenty
You know back in Jesus’ time – the folks had to sacrifice
Blood of bulls and of goats
Now if you don’t mind – in Isaiah 1 you’ll find
The blood of goats wasn’t doin’ half of the job
Now this much is true – even pagans see what blood can do
You need some proof?
I’ll show you Hebrews 9 verse 22
That’s why God’s blood is just what you need
And God is Jesus and I want you to see
C’mon, baby, to the book of the Acts
It’s Acts 20, verse 28
Even Jesus Christ says that it can save your life
So believe Him not me
But you’ve got to drink from the wine – c’mon now
‘Cause that’s a sign
Help me – It’s in John’s Gospel – look in verse 6:53
Are you bold enough?
Will you be ready to drink of God’s blood?
It’s a sign of life
You’ve been saved by the blood of Jesus Christ
Yeah, now, God’s blood is red as can be
Scarlet fever burns the sins out of me
C’mon, baby, it can do more than that
It’s God’s blood and it’s not funny – uh uh
LEAD
Now His blood removes
Things that sacred sheep could not get through
Oh, 10:4 Hebrews
You’ll have a better way than bulls, goats too
Well, now, God’s blood is precious indeed
I was evil but His blood cleanses me
C’mon, baby, it can do more than cleanse
It’s God’s blood and – I got some of it
God’s blood and – shed when He died
God’s blood and – the Book it shows why
God’s blood and – now you’re finally wise
God’s blood and – it’s only offered through Christ
God’s blood and – I’m a little surprised
God’s blood and – that you didn’t know why
God’s blood and – it makes you so clean
God’s blood is – such a sweet sweet thing
225
God’s Own Son
If your life is opposed – and despised by those you know
And mistakes that you’ve made – have been shoved back in your face
Boy you need some more strength – to go back and start again
Call the name that can save – and He’ll see you thru the pain
Parody of:
“Black Hole Sun” by Soundgarden
God’s own Son – wants to come
And wash way the shame
God’s own Son wants to come
Wants to come, wants to come
Chris Cornell
Certainly you have sinned – still, He wants to be your friend
After all, we all have sinned – but the Lord still wants to save
And if you will believe – in the truth then pray with me
Heaven sent Him to save – and no-one’s sins are too terrible
Bible References:
John 3:17
J’s Journal:
We get a lot of requests to redo this one from
Rare Not Well Done listeners, and I hope to do that
someday. This was one of the earliest parodies
I wrote for the project that would eventually be
called Ticked. Back then my working title was
Unplug the Empty TV. I thought “Black Hole Sun”
was a depressing song with a disturbing video,
and I wanted to do something positive with it. So
we looked at the lives of depressed, distressed,
despised people and reminded them that God’s own
Son wanted to come into their lives and wash their
sins away. As Jesus said in John 3:17 (the followup to the more-famous John 3:16), “For God did not
send his Son into the world to condemn the world,
but to save the world through him.” This song
was recorded live at Keith Haynie’s first official
concert as bass player for ApologetiX, on October
6, 1995, in Weston, WV. It was originally released
on a homemade cassette called Live ‘95 .
And wash away the stain
Wants to come
God’s own Son – won’t condemn
Because He came to save
Wants to come
(God’s own Son, God’s own Son)
Wants to come
Wants to come
Wants to come
LEAD
Bow your head down in prayer
Till your faults just disappear
And wash away the shame
Wants to come (Wants to come)
God’s own Son – won’t condemn (won’t condemn)
Because He came to save
God’s own Son wants to come (God’s own Son wants to come)
Wants to come (God’s own Son, God’s own Son)
Wants to come (God’s own Son, God’s own Son)
226
Good Guys Bad Guys
Parody of:
“Good Times, Bad Times” by Led Zeppelin
Jimmy Page, John Paul Jones & John Bonham
Bible References:
1 & 2 Kings, 1 Chronicles 3:10-16
J’s Journal:
Two of my favorite books of the Bible are 1 and 2
Kings. No, I’m not kidding. Those books fascinate
me, from Solomon’s ascension to the throne to the
split of the kingdom under Solomon’s son, Rehoboam,
into two kingdoms, Israel (the northern kingdom)
and Judah (the southern kingdom). All of Israel’s
kings from that point on were bad, worshipping calf
gods that Jeroboam made and then getting into Baal
worship under Ahab and Jezebel. Judah’s dynasty,
however, was mixed with both good guys (like
Hezekiah and Josiah) and bad guys (like Manasseh
and Amon), all of whom descended from King David.
One thing that changed my perspective on those
books and 1 and 2 Chronicles was when I wrote
a song to help myself remember all the kings of
Judah in chronological order. So many of them have
similar names that it’s hard to keep them straight,
but the song cleared that up for me. It was actually
one of the very first Christian parodies I ever wrote,
way back in 1990, I think. I’ve tweaked it a lot
since then for the version on Grace Period (it used
to be called “Good Kings Bad Kings”). We used to
do “Good Times Bad Times” in my very first rock
band, Terminal, back in high school.
In the days of my youth I was shown all the kings Judea had
And now I teach that age
I try to review all those kings the best I can
So gather ‘round I’ll try to find my way through the names of them
Good guys, bad guys, old Judah had her share
20 rulers had the throne after Solomon
And I’ll tell you all the people there
Rehoboam, he’s the guy who started it off
With Abijah, and Asa makes three
Jehosophat, Jehoram, Ahaziah, Athaliah – she’s the wicked queen
Then Joash, Amaziah, Uzziah, Jotham, Ahaz then
Good Hezekiah, wicked Manasseh and Amon
I’m not done with ‘em yet ... ahhh
Good guys, bad guys, then Josiah and his heirs
That’s Jehoahaz, Jehoiakim, Jehoiachin, Zedekiah, see, we’re there!
Good guys, bad guys, you know what happened there
When a good one left the throne for the Promised Land
Then a villain seized the chair
I know one more king you need to know
I’m sure you guessed that on your own
Now, I don’t care what the papers say
Christ’s king of the Jews, and each and every place
You’re gonna feel the need within your heart
You and I need sweet baby need to get the Son of God
227
Good News Bookie
Parody of:
“Boot Scootin’ Boogie” by Brooks & Dunn
Ronnie Dunn
Bible References:
John 20:30-31
Across the country in every city of any size
Well, there’s a hotel room with a Gideon’s Bible
The drawer gets opened and a Bible is always found
It’s got history, wisdom, music and poems
It’s where you can find some hope ‘cause it’s a Good News Bookie
We got a good God, He ain’t hard to discover
When I get a Bible, I read it cover to cover
I find me that big black book and get the Lord’s advice
If you’re tryin’ to find the way, read it right away
Plop down with the book – read the Good News Bookie
Whoa! Years ago, don’t ya know God almighty wrote the Good News
Whoa! Bible is fact, Jack, and it’s gonna outlast those other books
Whoa! It’s found all around every town – Good News Bookie
My friend just asked me, he said, “John, what about me?
“I want a copy of that leather-bonded bookie that you read
“I just was wonderin’ if they got it in the stores you can buy”
I said, “It outsells every other book on the street
“But I’ve got one you can keep. Here’s a Good News Bookie!”
Whoa! Years ago, don’t ya know God almighty wrote the Good News
Whoa! Grab a little black book, it could change your outlook, you know it could
Whoa! Get saved! Turn the page! Go and pray! Good News Bookie
REPEAT FIRST CHORUS
J’s Journal:
A tribute to our favorite 66 books, now available
in one volume. (Hint: it’s not the “Left Behind”
series or even the Hardy Boys!) We recorded this
one live at Calvary Chapel Sawgrass Church in
the Davie section of Miami, FL in October 2004,
but we’ve been playing the parody occasionally
in concert since 1996. It actually appeared on a
“live” cassette we did called Fredericktown back in
1996. People have been asking us to put it out on
CD for years. It’s a tribute to the Bible, and to the
Gideons who put those Gideon Bibles in hotels all
over the world. Being in a touring band, we stay
in a lot of hotels. I take great joy when I open up
a hotel drawer and find a Gideon Bible there. One
of my favorite possessions when I first became a
born-again Christian was my pocket Gideons New
Testament with Psalms & Proverbs. I carried it
around in my pocket everywhere I went, and I read
it all the time. It got so worn and torn from all that
use that I actually went through a few copies. And
I gave away some other ones. I learned a lot of the
salvation verses we use in songs from the inside
covers of those pocket Gideon Bibles.
228
Goodnews
Been workin’ – so hard
You’re under – the law
Hey now – those laws
Won’t help you come to God
I’ve got this feelin’ – what I just told ya you doubt
I’ll bet Ephesians 2:8 will clear up this now
Parody of:
“Footloose” by Kenny Loggins
Kenny Loggins & Dean Pitchford
Bible References:
Isaiah 61:1; Mark 1:14-15, 16:15; Matthew 4:23,
9:35, 11:5; Romans 10:15; Ephesians 2:8-9;
Galatians 3:1-26
J’s Journal:
Everybody loves good news. This news is so good
it can make a lame man walk and a religious man
dance. As Ephesians 2:8-9 says, “For it is by grace
you have been saved, through faith – and this is
not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by
works, so that no one can boast.” And who doesn’t
like gifts? People who start thinking they can obtain
or retain salvation by their own good deeds have
entered the danger zone. I’m free from the curse of
the law (Galatians 3:13, Romans 8:2); Heaven helps
the man who trusts in Jesus to justify Him before
God (Romans 4:5-8, Psalm 32:1-2). I originally
wrote this song back in the 1990’s, although we
didn’t record it until 2014. Wayne Bartley did
double duty, playing both guitar and bass. We
released it in late May that year.
Now I gotta tell you – good news
It’s not just Sunday pews
Please – you need – to only trust and believe
Jack, it’s fact – comes from the Book that’s black
You – could use – everybody loves good news
Your fate is – so cruel
Obeyin’ every rule
But way down in your heart
You’re fallin’, fallin’ so short
Somebody should tell you – that life is a pass or fail ride
I’ve tryin’ tell you – you’ll fail if you don’t believe in Christ
You could die – but you know there’s good news
For you – it’s not just some big ruse
Ooh ee – it’s free – check Galatians part three
Oh, I know – how those commandments go
You – could use – everybody loves good news
Got good news (Oh!) – God’s good news (Oh!)
Got good news (Oh!) – God’s good news (Oh!)
Got to turn it around – get your faith off the ground
God’s grace will pull ya through
Ahhhhhhhhh – I’m tellin’ you the truth!
Good news – it’s not just Sunday pews
Please – you need – to only trust and believe
You – could use
Everybody loves good news (good news)
Good news (good news)
It’s not just Sunday pews
Please – you need – (to) only trust and believe
You – could use
Everybody loves, everybody loves
Everybody loves good news
229
Grinch Girl
Parody of:
“Rich Girl” by Hall & Oates
Daryl Hall
Bible References:
Romans 12:15-16, 14:1-22; Colossians 2:16-17;
Titus 2:15-16
J’s Journal:
While some Christians have a cup of Christmas
cheer that runneth over, others see it as half empty,
citing commercialism and supposed pagan origins
as reasons not to celebrate. The weather outside is
frightful, so the last thing we need is a wet blanket.
Let’s bring joy to the world and focus on the Reason
for the season during one of the two times a year
when the world actually acknowledges Him. In early
October 2014, I was thinking it would be neat to
do a Christmas single every year, as long as we
didn’t rehash old topics. About the same time, I was
pondering doing a parody of “Rich Girl” by Hall &
Oates. They seemed like unrelated thoughts. Then,
on October 16, I got the idea to do “Grinch Girl,”
about the ultimate Christmas party pooper with all
the excuses for not celebrating the season, including
commercialism and supposed pagan overtones. Eight
days later, I was at IKEA buying supplies for our
kids’ bedroom, when I heard Donna Summer’s “Hot
Stuff” and got the idea for the song “Hanukkah.”
How ironic that it was eight days later, since
Hanukkah is eight days long! We released both songs
as a Christmas single on November 30. The total
time from first ideas through finished songs was 45
days! Jimmy’s wife, Eve, graciously consented to be
our “Grinch Girl” for the single’s cover. You’re a grinch, girl, and you’ve gone too far
‘Cause you don’t enjoy Santa anyway
You can deny that the snowman’s comin’
You can deny but your nose is runnin’
There’s a glitch, girl, and it’s all too hard
‘Cause you know you grow sadder every day
You can spend Hanukkah alone in your new car
Get your guitar
Don’t you know, don’t you know
That it’s wrong to make someone’s Christmas blue?
Snow falls down – on your road
But you can get it wrong
When you’re tryin’ to please God
What’s the name of this song? Ohhhh
You’re a grinch, girl, and you don’t do cards
‘Cause you don’t endorse pagan holidays
You can reply it’s the Solstice honey
You should rely on Jehovah’s son and
Give some gifts, girl, but you’re far too smart
‘Cause you know it’s from Saturnalia
You could spend money but you won’t
‘Cause you’re too darn grinchy, you are
Flyin’ high out of your range
It’s so easy – to hurt others with your fancy claims
Don’t you know – that the Lord has come
And there’s two times a year when the world will hear
But you’re killin’ it all – Ohhhh
Yeah, it’s Christmas and they’ve gone too far
‘Cause you know it starts after Halloween
You can decry all their motives, honey
You can decide that the whole thing’s dumb and
It’s a business and the world’s too poor
‘Cause they blow it on credit layaway
You can save money but it won’t get you to God
You can spend Hanukkah alone in your new car
You can spend money but you won’t ‘cause you’re too darn grinchy, you are
It’s useless
You can deny that you’re frozen, honey
You can deny but you know it’s funny
You’re a grinch, girl
You flinched, girl
Ah, merry Christmas, grinch girl
230
Guard Your Candle
Parody of:
“Hard to Handle” by The Black Crowes
Allen Jones, Al Bell & Otis Redding
Bible References:
Matthew 5:14-16; John 1:4-5, 3:19, 8:12;
Isaiah 42:3; 2 Timothy 1:14
J’s Journal:
Jesus said He is the light of the world (John 8:12),
but He also said we are the light of the world
(Matthew 5:14-16). Like a big candle sharing its
flame with smaller candles, Jesus shares His light
with us, and tells us to do the same: “Neither do
people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead
they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone
in the house. In the same way, let your light shine
before men, that they may see your good deeds
and praise your Father in heaven.” He saved me, here I am – I’m a man God redeemed
My candle is much too hot to be locked up at home with me
I can drop a bushel on it that I got from the corner store
But when my wick stops glowin’ I’m only a glob of some wax for floors
Sure, some things will come tryin’ to snuff it
They can’t snuff it if you trust the Lord above and
Give it everything – never hide your candle
‘Cause your Papa wants to show off His handiwork, yes, uh, now
I know He’s the light of the world, and I’m a lamp He made to share it
I know He’s got some other lamps, but we can all do better than this
Hey, my lamp don’t need a shade I’m gonna illuminate the world He made
Now’s not the time to cover Jesus up so make sure that they see
Boy they’ll come along in time tryin’ to snuff it
I ain’t nothin’ if I can’t stand sufferin’
Yeah, guard your candle now
He saved me – here I am – look in Matthew 5:14
I’m a city up on top of a mountain for the world to see
I know God He put me up there, and I got some important chores
When I get those done then all you are gonna come and glorify the Lord
Sure they’ll come along in time tryin’ to snuff it
I ain’t bluffin’, man, I’m quite sure of it
Ah, guard your candle now
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
LEAD
Boy they’ll come along in time tryin’ to snuff it
I ain’t runnin’ like a scared Miss Muffet
Guard your candle now
Baby, don’t snuff it
Baby, baby
If you love Him – let’s see more of Him
Make it a habit
Oh yeah – guard your candle
231
Guide the Way
Parody of:
“By the Way” by Red Hot Chili Peppers
Anthony Kiedis, Flea, John Frusciante &
Chad Smith
Bible References:
Daniel 6:1-28
J’s Journal:
Daniel prays to God and gives a “live” account of a
nervous night in the lion’s den. I didn’t like this song
that much till I saw the video while we were visiting
the Hard Rock Cafe in Pittsburgh in January 2003.
I don’t know why, but it changed the way I listened
to the song. When I first got the idea for “Guide the
Way,” I thought, not another song about Daniel! But
every Daniel song we’ve done – this one, “Lions”
on Isn’t Wasn’t Ain’t, and “Daniel” on Keep the
Change – started with a line or two that were pure
inspiration from God. I can’t remember what the
first line I got for this one was ... probably “Standing
with lions beneath the floor tonight and there’s a
lion,” but once I got to the “Meow, meow, meow,
meow” part, I knew we had to do it!
Standing with lions beneath the floor tonight
And there’s a lion – here we go
Right away I try to pray, I kneel there, waiting, Lord
“Daniel don’t go and pray,” they said to me
They made a mock’ry of you, Lord
Save life! Claws sharp! C’mon God! Move quick!
This cat thinks I’m such a little beefcake
Get here quick I think I’m on the meat tray
Point and click to make Your bid on Ebay
Teach that king that’s not the way that we pray
Don’t allow! Blood bath! In cave! Stop them!
Standing with lions beneath the floor tonight
And there’s a lion – help me, Lord
Guide the way, when lions prey, they feed there, tame Him, Lord!
Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow
Bad cat! Don’t sic! Paws off! Open!
Kit cat’s nice but, no, don’t want to hold one
Not gonna strike but I’m a not-so-bold one
Might not bite, I know, you never know but
God I like this story though it’s no fun
Stop there! Mean lion! Get back! Hard stop!
Standing with lions I see them show their whites
And there’s a lion – every hole
Find a way, my life’s at stake I see their great big jaws
“Daniel, don’t go and pray,” they said to me
Beneath them I’ll be on the floor
By the way, I find it strange I’ll be here praying more
Ooh ah, kittens better listen
Ooh ah, kittens can’t resist Him
Ooh ah, kittens kept their distance
Ooh ah, kittens never bit me
Ooh ah, kittens lost their mittens
Ooh, I guess I’m not a victim
Ooh, I’m gettin’ out of prison – Hoo hah!
Daniel 6:19 stayed here overnight
And there’s a light on – early show
By the way, it’s light of day, I see that breaking dawn
“Daniel,” the Persian king he calls to me
And he’s remarking, “Oh poor soul”
By an angel I was saved, I know you love me Lord
Standing with lions I’ve seen You show Your might
That I relied on to get me home
Right away I cried, You saved, I beat them, Thank you, Lord
232
Ha-Bakk
Parody of:
“Get Back” by The Beatles
Bible References:
Habakkuk 1:13, 3:19
J’s Journal:
I always thought the prophet Habakkuk had an
interesting name, and I wanted to write a song
that would help me remember more about him.
Yeah, we know everybody’s doing songs about
the prophet Habakkuk, but … ahem. There are
two ways I hear his name pronounced – one is the
way we sing it in this song (with the emphasis on
the second syllable) and the other is the way we
sing it in “La Bible” (with the emphasis on the first
syllable). We’re an equal-opportunity pronouncer.
Any way you say it, Habakkuk was distraught over
the wickedness of his own people, so he called out
to God for justice. God answered the prayer by
saying He was going to send the Babylonians to
punish His people, but that seemed to Habakkuk
to be even more unjust than the status quo. But he
would eventually come to realize that the righteous
will live by his faith (Habakkuk 2:4). This song first
appeared on our original live cassette, Get Your
Wigs, in the summer of 1992, although the lyrics
were different. I actually wrote it before ApologetiX
officially existed, probably in 1991.
So there was a man who talked to God and told Him
The Hebrews were doin’ bad
God said, Yes, I know. I’ll use the Babylonians
Watch them put a stop to that
Ha-bakk! Ha-bakk!
Habakkuk had a talk with God
Ha-bakk! Ha-bakk!
Ha-bakkuk said there’s something wrong
Not Babylon, God
GUITAR LEAD
Oh no
Ha-bakk! Ha-bakk!
Habakkuk had a talk with God
Ha-bakk! Ha-bakk!
Ha-bakkuk said there’s something wrong
Ain’t that so?
KEYBOARD LEAD
He said, Babylon is rotten and inhuman
Don’t you want some other land?
God said, There’s a time when they have got it comin’
But they’ll do for now till then
Ha-bakk! Ha-bakk!
Habakkuk, where’s your trust in God
Ha-bakk! Ha-bakk!
Habakkuk, place your trust in God
DRUM ROLL
Habakkuk said it:
Lord, I’ll just wait upon You
Whenever I feel blue
Cause You know what’s better
Guess You’ve known forever
233
Hannukah
Sittin’ here readin’ the Torah, baby
Waitin’ for some snowflakes to fall
Found out about Yom Kippur, but, baby
Hanukkah ain’t shown up at all
Parody of:
“Hot Stuff” by Donna Summer
Lookin’ for some Hanukkah – maybe you’ve seen it?
I need some Hanukkah – eight days and nights
I want some Hanukkah – babe, it’s the season
Gotta find some more stuff ‘bout the festival of lights
Hanukkah – I need Hanukkah
I want some Hanukkah – Happy Hanukkah
Pete Bellotte, Harold Faltermeyer & Keith Forsey
Bible References:
John 8:12, 10:22-24; Exodus 37:17-24
J’s Journal:
This is a parody of a song associated with Summer
about a celebration associated with winter. Here’s
another paradox: Hanukkah is a Jewish holiday,
but it’s found in the New Testament, not the Old.
So where did it come from? Check out the song! I
started writing this one after hearing “Hot Stuff”
while buying bedroom furniture for my kids. I already
had that song on an iPod playlist of potential tunes,
but the actual idea came at IKEA. I asked Keely
about singing it, and she said she’d done it in bands
before. I asked Todd about playing it, and he’d done
it before, too. So had Jimmy. I think it’s so cool
how God put the songs on my heart and prepared
the performers long before He gave me the ideas. I
guess that makes sense; you don’t install a lightbulb
in a house unless you have everything wired up and
ready to go! The other guys who played on this
song were super-quick learners – Wayne Bartley
on guitars and Jake Rieger on bass. Although
Hanukkah isn’t in the Old Testament, Daniel did
prophesy some of the events it commemorates, and
Jesus preached in the temple during Hanukkah (“the
Feast of Dedication”) in John’s Gospel. I think it’s
important for Christians to learn more about it. And
it’s another song we can share with Jewish friends.
Lookin’ for a rather unique menorah
The one that burned eight nights on its own
Want a candelabra with more than the others
One from where that nine-branch lamp comes
Gotta have some Hanukkah – rabbis decreed it
I think the spot was 4:59
In the Apocrypha, First Maccabees, yeah
God sent them deliverance
‘Cause their land was occupied (hostile)
By the rotten one – Antiochus
Look at what God’s done!
Han-Han-Han-Hanukkah – Ha Ha Ha
Han-Han-Han-Hanukkah – Ha Ha Ha
Also found some Hanukkah later with Jesus
Right in the Gospels, baby, surprise
Look it up in John’s Book – 10:23, yeah
And it’s also 22, guys, yeah, yeah
I want some Hanukkah
Baby to see it
I’ve got to cross some ages in time – yeah, yeah
Because the clock starts back in B.C. yeah
164 or 165, yeah
Wanna have some Hanukkah
234
Parody of:
“You Really Got Me” by The Kinks
Ray Davies
Bible References:
Matthew 21; Mark 11; Luke 19; John 2; Malachi
3:1, 3:10; Proverbs 16:8; 1 Timothy 6; Isaiah 56:7;
Jeremiah 7:11
J’s Journal:
Many people think the Bible says that money is the
root of all evil. Actually, it says, “The love of money
is the root of all sorts of evil.” Jesus’ expulsion of
the money changers from the Temple is one of the
few events that is mentioned in all four Gospels
(although many scholars would say He cleansed it
two different times, in keeping with a parallel to
what Jeremiah did, and with the one in John being
much earlier than the one in Matthew, Mark, and
Luke). The first time I heard “You Really Got Me,” it
was the Kinks’ original version and not Van Halen’s.
I didn’t hear Van Halen’s version until I had to learn
it for my first rock band, Terminal. At our first gig,
we opened up with “You Really Got Me,” with me
singing the Kinks version I was familiar with and
the rest of the band playing the Van Halen version
they were familiar with. But the first time I heard
“You Really Got Me,” it was just that line included
in a promo for a radio special about the history of
rock and roll, and I mistakenly thought they were
singing “She really got mad!” I remembered that
years later when we decided to spoof the song.
That’s the drummer, Keith Harrold, counting us in
at the beginning of the song, by the way. Since this
song was the last one on the original Isn’t Wasn’t
Ain’t, we carried on the tradition on our next CD,
Radical History Tour, by having our next drummer,
Rick Servocky, count us in on the last track on
that project, “Midnight Hour Pt. 2.”
Yeah, I read in Matthew 21
How Jesus cleansed the temple and threw out everyone
Yeah, it’s not just Matthew now
It’s there in Luke 19 and Mark 11
Yeah, it’s not just Matthew now
It’s not just Luke and Mark; it’s also in John
Oh, yeah, it’s there in chapter 2
It must be pretty darn important
He really got mad! (3x)
He – called it a den of thieves
He said His Father’s house should be a house of prayer
(Yeah, they really got Him mad)
He made a scourge of cords and threw ‘em out of there
He turned the tables on the money changers
It must be pretty darn important
He really got mad! (3x)
LEAD
See? It’s in First Timothy
The love of money is the root of many sins
Yeah, it’s there in chapter 6
It says with food and clothing we should be content
Yeah, it says that godliness
Is not a means of seeking earthly riches
Yeah, its says that godliness
Is great gain when you have contentment
We really want that! (3x)
235
Parody of:
“You Really Got Me” by The Kinks
Ray Davies
Bible References:
Matthew 21; Mark 11; Luke 19; John 2; Malachi
3:1, 3:10; Proverbs 16:8; 1 Timothy 6; Isaiah 56:7;
Jeremiah 7:11
J’s Journal:
The title and theme for this parody are the same
as our initial version on Isn’t Wasn’t Ain’t, but I
gave the lyrics an overhaul to make them sound
more like the original. Once Tom Tincha joined
ApologetiX, we wanted to take advantage of his
flying fingers, and that’s why we brought this one
back. We played it with the original parody lyrics
for a while with him before debuting the new lyrics
at a concert in Fairmount City, PA in July 2009.
Sometime before that, we added the middle part
with the brief “Ain’t Squat Without Love” spoof of
“Ain’t Talkin’ ‘bout Love.” On the download version,
we also included an original Tinch lead (in the same
vein as Van Halen’s “Eruption”) called Conniption.
Yeah, they really got Him goin’
They got Him so mad there was trouble brewin’
Yeah, they really got Him mad
They got Him so mad He was not nice
The Gospels show the temple was in ruins
Oh, Yeah, they really got Him mad
He started throwin’ out the bad guys
He really got mad, He really got mad, He really got mad
He called it a den of thieves
He only wanted to see it purified
He stopped the show and said it’s not right
They bought and sold and kept the money movin’
Oh, yeah, they really got Him mad
They got His goat I told ya 10 times
He really got mad, He really got mad, He really got mad
SPOKEN:
People seem to have a misconception about what the Bible says about money
Some people think the Bible says that money is the root of all evil
But what the Bible really says is the love of money is the root of
All sorts of evil, all kinds of evil
Jesus Himself says that man cannot serve both God and money
He will love one and he will hate the other
So, which one are you going to love – God or money?
Now the love of money is not love at all – it’s avarice
And the only true kind of love is the love that comes from above
The love of God, and God is love
And as you know from First Corinthians 13, it says
You ain’t squat without love
The love that’s gotten through the Lord
Ain’t squat without love
It’s like First John, chapter 4, chapter 4, chapter 4
See, it’s in First Timothy
The love of money’s evil, no lie
Yeah, you’ll read in chapter 6
With food and clothes we should be satisfied
Yeah, you’ll read that godliness
Is not just so we can keep money accruing
Yeah, you’ll read that godliness
Just on its own is immensely gratifying
We really want that, we really want that, we really want that
236
He Spoke
Now everybody have you heard?
It was in the beginning that He spoke the Word
Don’t tangle with Him – He don’t take no jive
It’s not a verse for children – grab your Bible and
Woo!
Parody of:
“The Stroke” by Billy Squier
Billy Squier
Bible References:
Genesis 1:1, John 1:1-14, Proverbs 30:5-6
J’s Journal:
The Bible tells us how it all began, but everybody
wants you to believe in the Big Bang and evolution,
with the first signs of life emerging from a primordial
soup, and they think that’s a stroke of genius. God
said, “Let there be light,” but they prefer to stay in
the dark. They’ve got their eye on you, so don’t say
no if you don’t want them to get angry. Unless, of
course, you prefer to tell the truth. I got the idea
for this while driving home from church on March
22, 2015. We released the finished recording less
than two months later, on May 17, coupled with
“Act Selfless.” That’s Tom Tincha on lead guitar.
The background crowd vocals were done by Jimmy;
his wife, Eve; and their daughter, Julie.
Could you write it out? Give a firsthand take?
You talk to me – about that one big bang
Spread your evolution – both far and wide
It’s just a substitution – not good science
God has spoken
Could be you didn’t know it’s true, but you will
God has spoken (Spoke!)
God has spoken – and that’s enough for now
God has spoken
Say I’m a ninny, but, man, we’re just beginning now
But you left God out – we came from outer space?
From where did we – arrive in the first place?
Would you like to bet me? I think my black book’s right
I wish you’d finally let me – speak my mind, because
God has spoken
And these revisionists all got it wrong
God has spoken – you’re so forgetful, boy
God has spoken
Say I’m too literal, man, but just consider now
(Spoke!) REPEAT 6X
Evolution now – I said it ain’t no joke
It’s a conscious rebellion – against the truth He spoke
What don’t make no sense is – you keep denyin’ God
Why do you get defensive – if He’s not listenin’?
God has spoken (Spoke! Spoke!)
God has spoken (Spoke!) Knew it!
God has spoken – preach on!
Can’t ignore it! (Spoke!)
God has spoken
Say I’m a criminal, man, but you should simmer down
237
Heaven Isn’t Like That
Parody of:
“Shine” by Collective Soul
Ed Roland
Bible References:
1 Corinthians 2:9
J’s Journal:
The way our society describes Heaven, it’s no
wonder so many people don’t care whether they
go there. But it’s more than clouds and harps. As
the Apostle Paul told the Corinthians, “No eye has
seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what
God has prepared for those who love him” (1 Cor.
2:9). It’s far better than anything we could imagine!
There are also plenty of descriptions of Heaven
in the Gospels, the Epistles, and Revelation. In 2
Corinthians, Paul reveals that he was allowed a brief
visit to Heaven. Having seen it for himself, he makes
statements like these: “We are confident, I say, and
would prefer to be away from the body and at home
with the Lord” (2 Cor. 5:8) and “I consider that our
present sufferings are not worth comparing with
the glory that will be revealed in us” (Romans 8:18).
Do some good works and lead a good life
Always go to church and try to be really nice ... really nice
Say a couple prayers and finally when you die
Go to Saint Peter, tell him, “Let me come inside
“At least I tried”
Yeah?
No! Heaven isn’t like that, child! (now) (pal) (now)
Learn to play the harp, you’ll need it while you’re there
Pick yourself some wings; I’m sure you’ll get a lovely pair
A lovely pair
Reach for a halo, keep it in your hair
Lead a wimpy life eternally with nothing there
But fluffy air
CHORUS
Get in God’s word; see what you find
Only place to look to tell you how to get inside
Let me tell you now; you gotta go through Christ
Open up your heart and tell Him He can come inside
Come inside
Yeah!
Yo! Let Him in your life right now (Repeat 3X)
You know what Heaven’s like?
It hasn’t entered your mind
Heaven is the best place that’s ever been
You wanna get in? Let Him
Let Him in your life; that’s the only way
C’mon ... Nowwwwwww ... come on in, in
C’mon Nowwwwwww C’mon inside!
238
Heavenly Hill
medley
Parody of:
“Beverly Hills” by Weezer
Rivers Cuomo
Bible References:
2 Peter 1:16-19
J’s Journal:
When Jesus took Peter, James, and John onto the
holy mountain where He was transfigured, it must
have seemed like a perfect situation for a retreat –
lush green mountain, gorgeous blue sky, and private
quality time with the Lord Himself. Ah, the good life!
Little did they know they’d also see Moses and Eljah
and hear the voice of God the Father. On top of this,
they witnessed Christ transfigured in His glory right
before their eyes. Peter felt maladroit, not knowing
what to say, but that didn’t stop him from opening
his mouth! Then, after it was over, Jesus warned
his friends not to tell anybody what they’d seen
until after He’d risen from the dead. They had to be
thinking, “Say it ain’t so! This is such a pity!” And
they didn’t even have a photograph to remember it
by. Of course, they’d get the chance to re-hash the
details many years later, and they knew it was no
pipe dream. As Peter recounted in 2 Peter 1:16-19,
this story wasn’t make believe, and the effect it had
on each of them could never be undone; they’d keep
fishing for men until they day they died. This was a
late addition to the Wordplay project. Part of this song
was written in a toy store in Paducah KY.
Where I come from there’s a tall flat place
It’s out on a hill where a ski slope’s at
My master went for a little walk
With His friends there just to do a retreat
He didn’t go with some big group
Just three guys, James and John and me
While we prayed I saw the Son of God talking with the prophets
Heavenly hill – that’s where I want to be
(John and Jimmy, John and Jimmy)
Living on heavenly hill
Heavenly hill – Moses, Elijah, Jesus, and me
Looking brighter than a star, His clothes so beautiful they gleamed
Don’t know how they scrubbed His wardrobe but His face it seemed to beam
I wonder if He’ll look like that whenever Jesus Christ is king
Maybe this ain’t quite as cool but it’s the next best thing
Heavenly hill – Mark n’ Luke 9, Matthew 17
The truth is ... I can’t stand the suspense
There’s someplace that I’m more into
And I guess it won’t be long
No, it won’t, I guess you know that deep down too
And I will always dream of that day
When I will dwell in Paradise, but till that starts, hey
Heavenly hill – Second Peter verse 1:18
239
Hell!
Parody of:
“Help!” by The Beatles
Bible References:
Luke 16:19-31; Revelation 20:10-15; Matthew
5:22-30, 10:28, 18:9, 23:33, 25:41; James 3:6
J’s Journal:
One of the first things cults and other false religions
like to do is attack the concept of hell as a genuine
place. As this song says, “Hell is in the Bible many
times, and I do not think it’s just a state of mind.”
For a song that really gives a lot scriptural support
to that, check out “Droppin’ on the Sun.” This song
just states the basic fact that it’s easy not to believe
in hell if you don’t actually read your Bible. This was
part of a Beatles project we started in the winter
of 1995-96. We played all of those songs live at
Lazarus’ Tomb on March 9, 1996, and later released
an atrocious recording of them on a cassette called
Beatleg (i.e. Beatles Bootleg). I think I kept the
lyrics identical when we recorded it for Chosen
Ones. Our former drummer Bob Flaherty, who is
now a pastor, kept this one on the front burner of
my mind, because it was always one of his favorite
parodies, and he wanted us to record it properly.
Bob has a great sense of humor, so it’s ironic that
one of his favorite ApologetiX songs is “Hell.” But
I do know that when he preaches on hell, he does
it with the utmost seriousness. Despite the many
jokes that people have told about hell over the years,
there’s really nothing funny about it.
Hell! I read about it
Hell! Lots of people doubt it
Hell! They’d better read some more
Hell!
When I was younger so much dumber than today
I never even read the Bible – Hell seemed far away
But I found the way to God and it’s got a narrow door
But many find the way that’s wide
And drop right through the floor
Hell is in the Bible many times
And I do not think it’s just a state of mind
Hell will catch most people by surprise
Don’t you see? Hell’s real!
And now my life has changed and only by His grace
My sin dependence would have banished me to Hades
But every fire and brimstone preacher you ignore
Is only tryin’ to save your life
From everlasting scorn
Tell me if you can why Jesus died
If it’s true that we’re all basically all right
Tell me why you feel that guilt inside
When I was younger so much dumber than today
I didn’t need no busybodies tellin’ me I needed saved
But I found my way was wrong now I’m knockin’ on your door
So while there’s time you’ll change your mind
And call upon the Lord
Hell is in the Bible many times
It’s Luke 16 and Matthew 25
John verse 3:19 will tell you why
Hell’s real, Hell’s real!
240
Hell Smells
I'm goin' under, I roared in pain
It wasn't fun like I heard 'em claim
My life was flashin' before my eyes
You woke me up but I'm traumatized
Parody of:
“Hells Bells” by AC/DC
Angus Young & Malcolm Young
Bible References:
Luke 16:19-31; Revelation 14:11, 20:10-15;
Matthew 5:22-30, 7:13-14, 10:28, 13:36-42,
13:48-50, 18:9, 23:33, 25:41; Mark 9:42-47;
James 3:6; Jude 1:7, 1:13; 2 Thessalonians 1:7-9;
2 Peter 3:7; Romans 2:5-12
J’s Journal:
Don’t believe the hype; Hell isn’t the kind of place
anybody would want to be – not even the devil. The
title of this song is an understatement. I got the idea
from Keith Haynie, who suggested it in 2001 while
we were brainstorming potential album titles for
the project we’d eventually call “Keep the Change”
(it had an AC/DC parody on it). We didn’t record
“Hell Smells” till April-May 2014, though, and we
released it that June. But I remember writing a
good portion of it at an Independence Day fireworks
display in Mayfield KY a year or two before that. A
number of people have asked me if it hurt to sing like
that. The only thing that got hurt was my pride; it
took three sessions for me to get my voice to sound
the way I wanted. Jimmy was very patient as I did
take after take. AC/DC’s Brian Johnson is a hard
singer to imitate – much harder than their original
singer, Bon Scott. I remember a similar situation
when recording “Back Intact” 10 years earlier. In
both instances, it wasn’t special effects that did the
trick – just practice and prayer – and right when
I was about to throw in the towel, God provided
a “eureka” moment and helped me get my vocal
chords to do what I wanted. Who says lightning
never strikes twice? Or was it thunder that struck?
Oh, won't take no visitors
Once there, you'll find
Nobody's partyin' up all night
Ah, it's hard to sell a one-way ticket to Hell
You know the stench is rank and wretched
'Cause hell smells – yeah, Hell smells
You won't believe it – Hell smells
The stench is so vile – Hell smells
I've been through Revelation – up and down you'll find
If you're into evil it's the end of the line
See the White Throne Judgment as He splits them wide
Puts them goats on the left and lines the sheep up to the right
Won't take no visitors
Won't take no bribes
Nobody's put in by surprise
Ah, it's not so swell when God forsakes you to Hell
They won't accept a late confession
Hell smells – oh, Hell smells
You got deceived and – Hell smells
The tempter just lied – Hell smells
Hell smells – stinks, it's rotten, P.U.
Hell smells – you're wrinklin' your nose
Hell smells – the tempter just lied
Hell smells – the cross divides
Hell smells – so take your cue now
Hell smells – before you go under
Hell smells – God can spare your life
Hell smells – there's no way but Christ, yeah!
Ow!
Ow ow!
Ow! Yeah heh!
Hell Smells!
241
Help Me, Rhoda
Parody of:
“Help Me, Rhonda” by The Beach Boys
Brian Wilson
Bible References:
Acts 12:2-17
J’s Journal:
The first rock group I ever liked was the Beach
Boys. Endless Summer was the first record I ever
purchased; Spirit of America, the first cassette. So
it was only a matter of time till we started spoofing
them. I love the story this parody is based on: Peter
is in jail awaiting execution, and everybody in the
church is praying for him. God sends an angel to
set him free, and Peter gets to the place where the
believers are hiding and knocks on the door. They
send a servant girl named Rhoda to see who’s at the
door. She discovers it’s Peter and runs to tell them,
but they don’t believe it’s really him – they think
it’s his angel! Here these people are, praying to God
for Peter’s release, and when it happens, they don’t
believe it. Moreover, when the angel first appeared
to Peter, he thought the angel was a vision! And
these were people who’d seen miracles before.
Isn’t that the way we are with our prayers, too?
We pray for things even though sometimes we don’t
believe they really can happen, or when they do
happen, we can’t believe it. My favorite performer
on “Help Me Rhoda” is probably Jeff Pakula, who
was still our concert drummer at the time but
elected not to play drums on Isn’t Wasn’t Ain’t.
He did, however, sing some background vocals,
mostly for comedic effect. Jeff’s muffled vocals
at the door (we were banging on a real door in the
basement) and the one “Yeah!” he says after “Help
me Rhoda” never fail to crack me up. Well, since he let me out
I’ve been out knockin’ on your door
Come open it up
‘Cause I’m the one that you’ve been prayin’ for
Ah, Rhoda, you looked surprised (looked surprised)
But you didn’t let me come inside
You gotta – help me, Rhoda
Help me get inside of the house
Help me, Rhoda! Help, help, me Rhoda!
Help me, Rhoda, yeah, get inside of the house!
They were gonna take my life
And I was gonna be quite dead
But an angel came along
And he freed me, now I’m out here instead
Ah, Rhoda, you got the door (got the door)
But I’m wonderin’ what you’re waitin’ for
You gotta, help me, Rhoda, help me get inside of the house
CHORUS
242
Here Come the Sons
Parody of:
“Here Comes the Sun” by The Beatles
George Harrison
Bible References:
Genesis 29:31-30:24, 35:18; 1 Chronicles 2:1-2
Here come the sons, you can do it
Here come the sons, recite the – Israelites
Israel fathered
Reuben along with brother Simeon
It got crowded
When Levi, Judah n’ Dan appeared
CHORUS
Israel started so small, but turned into a nation
Israel fathered Naphtali, Gad and Asher next
CHORUS
Sons, sons, sons – here they come!
Issachar and
Zebulun and then Joseph and Benjamin
It’s a dozen
It seems like more, but it’s just 12
J’s Journal:
I first learned the names of the 12 tribes of Israel
from a song in the musical Joseph and the Amazing
Technicolor Dreamcoat. My only complaint was
that the tribes (and brothers) weren’t listed from
oldest to youngest. Their song started that way,
with the first three sons, but then it just seemed
to list them randomly, something I didn’t discover
till I read the Bible for myself. So I set out to
write a song that would set things right. The
version of this song on Rare Not Well Done Vol. 1
was recorded live at Lazarus’ Tomb in Arnold PA
on March 9, 1996. It was originally released on a
homemade cassette called Beatleg in late 1996.
When the three surviving Beatles reunited for the
Anthology project in late 1995, I wrote a ton of
parodies in hopes of us recording an all-Beatles
project. We attempted to make studio recordings
of those songs in 1996 but never got anything
worth keeping. Some of those songs have made it
onto subsequent CDs. Some others, including this
one, made it onto our Orchard Avenue downloads,
a project spearheaded by our newly retired guitarist
Tom Milnes as his parting gift to ApologetiX in
early 2012. It turns out the Beatles and ApologetiX
are two of Tom’s favorite bands.
243
Here I Go (Against All I’ve Known)
Parody of:
“Here I Go Again” by Whitesnake
Douglas Robb, Dan Estrin, Markku Lappalainen &
Chris Hesse
Bible References:
John 3:3; Romans 3:10, 3:23, 5:8, 6:23, 10:9,
10:13; Ephesians 2:8-9, 2 Corinthians 5:17
J’s Journal:
Like the Psalms of David, this song is a prayer and
a conversation with the Lord. It’s the cry of a sinner
who is a long way from home but is ready and
willing to become a saint, even though he knows
it’ll get him into trouble with old friends, who will
brand him a fool for believing. This cat’s thought it
out and counted the cost; it’s no slip of the tongue.
I thought it would be really cool to have a special
song that a person who was ready to come to Christ
could sing along with as a prayer. Furthermore,
it’s the kind of song a new Christian can sing
as he faces trials in his new walk.
I don’t know what I’m doing but I sure know that I’ve sinned
Hangin’ on the precipice with a thousand debts to pay
And I’ve made up my mind; I ain’t waitin’ for more signs
Here that story ends, here I’m born again
They love it when you’re searching for an answer
They never seem to mind until you think you’re sure
Oh, Lord, I pray You give me strength to bear this cross
‘Cause I know what this means
It won’t be long they’re calling me extreme
Here I go against all I’ve known
Though I’m down and out I know I’m not alone
Though I’ve drifted far from shore You’re on the boat
And I’ve made up my mind; I ain’t waiting for more signs
I guess You know it’s hard for me to trust You
Faith is all stuff we cannot see
But I’m gonna hold on, Lord, and rest in my faith
‘Cause I know what I read
To walk with God I only need belief
And here I go against all I’ve known
By the Scriptures I was warned so long ago
‘Cause here I’m born again, here I’m born again
Here I’m born again, here I go
LEAD
‘Cause I know what I need
To walk with God, so Lord help me believe
Though I’ve drifted from you, Lord, I’m walkin’ home
And here I go against all I’ve known
All the Scriptures I once scorned I want to know
And I know what this means
It won’t be long they’re calling me extreme
Though I’ve drifted far from shore You’re on the boat
244
Herman’s Sermon
Parody of:
“I’m Henry VIII, I Am” by Herman’s Hermits
Fred Murray & R. P. Weston
Bible References:
John 8:24, 58
Christ said that He knew Abraham
And He was the great I AM I AM
Find John verse 8:58 to make sure
And read His words in John 8:24
And every one of His enemies (enemies)
They wouldn’t ever really understand (no sir)
But He stated His identity
Said He was the great I AM
Second verse, frames up the first
Yeah!
LEAD
J’s Journal:
In Exodus 3:14, God reveals His name to Moses.
In John 8:58, Jesus uses that same name to refer
to Himself. Coincidence? His audience didn’t think
so; they wanted to stone Him for blasphemy! But
earlier in that same chapter, Jesus had plainly said,
“If you do not believe that I am he, you will indeed
die in your sins” (John 8:24). I got the idea for this
song on a rare Labor Day Weekend trip to Kentucky
for my wife’s high-school reunion in 2014. My
kids were big fans of “I’m Henry the VIII, I Am,”
so after hearing that a million times, I had to come
up with some parody lyrics to keep myself from
going insane. Then again, I was the one responsible
for playing them the Herman’s Hermits version in
the first place. I still remember my cousin Chris
introducing it to me when we were little kids. We
released this parody on a single in early October
2014 with Wayne Bartley on the cover. He’d played
guitar on a number of songs earlier in the year, but
this was the first time people got to see what he
actually looked like. The other song on that single
was a Chicago spoof, “Feelin’ Stronger in the
Faith,” so we had two parodies of songs by groups
with lead singers named Peter (Noone and Cetera).
Taste! See! Am I right?
Let Him in! (Let Him in!)
Let Him in! (Let Him in!)
Let Him be your great I AM I AM
Let Him be the great I AM
Yeah!
245
Hey Zaccheus (1996)
Parody of:
“Take It Easy” by The Eagles
Jackson Browne & Glenn Frey
Bible References:
Luke 19:1-10
J’s Journal:
This song was recorded at a concert at St. Paul’s
Lutheran Church in Gaffney, SC on June 2, 1996,
the final stop on our first tour. It was released
on a homemade cassette called Dark Side of the
Peachoid in late 1996. An even more primitive
version (with different lyrics) was released on our
first live cassette, Get Your Wigs, in late June 1992.
Well, we were comin’ down the road
Runnin’ through Jericho
They had everyone in town in line
Folks along the road
Made movement kind of slow
We wanted them to step aside
Make way for Jesus, make way for Jesus
And then the shout of all their shouting reached Zaccheus*
Life was tough for this short man
He was despised because of sin
There was no place where he could stand
And look at Jesus
Now Zaccheus was short
So he climbed a sycamore tree
Just the right height to see
He could see the Lord
But he felt for sure
“Jesus wouldn’t wanna look at me!
Could He save me? Am I crazy?
I’ve got a past that most people would say was shady
Would He still forgive my sins?
Or am I going out on a limb?”
Just then the Lord looked up at him
Said, “Hey, Zaccheus!”
LEAD
So there was silence in the road
Now the crowd was on hold
He said, “Hey, Zaccheus, now’s the time
I’m a-comin’ over to your house for supper
So don’t try to hide
They said, “Jesus, don’t be facetious
Don’t hang around immoral people like Zaccheus!”
He said, “Baby, don’t detain me!
I’ve gotta go, ‘cause this sheep’s lost
I’m gonna save him!”
Wooo Wooo Wooo Wooo
Wooo Wooo Wooo Wooo
Wooo Wooo Wooo Wooo
Wooo Wooo Wooo Wooo
All you gotta see is ... we all need saved by Jesus
NOTE: Zaccheus can also be spelled “Zacchaeus,” depending on the translation.
246
Hey Zaccheus (2007)
Parody of:
“Take It Easy” by The Eagles
Jackson Browne & Glenn Frey
Bible References:
Luke 19:1-10
J’s Journal:
One of the Bible readings I remember from Catholic
school was the opening of Luke 19: “Jesus entered
and passed through Jericho, and there was a man
named Zaccheus, the chief among the tax collectors
...” I’m reciting that from memory; I think I had to do
the reading one day at a church service we had. The
passage about Zaccheus is one of my favorite short
stories in the Bible. But seriously, folks, it’s a great
example of how we think we’re seeking out Jesus
(as Zaccheus was, secretly up in the sycamore
tree), when He already knows exactly where we
are and is already planning to call us! This is one
of the earliest parodies I ever wrote – before there
even was an ApologetiX. I still have a recording of
us playing it shortly thereafter with a guy named
George that I worked with. We released a recording
of it as ApologetiX on our first live cassette, Get
Your Wigs, in the summer of 1992 and on our first
studio cassette, Parable Guy, in the fall of 1992. I
revised the lyrics a few years later, and you could
hear differences by time it appeared on our Dark Side
of the Peachoid cassette in 1998. Then I polished
them again for the Chosen Ones project in 2007.
Well, He was comin’ down the road
Windin’ through Jericho
They had everyone in town in line
Folks along the road
Made movement kind of slow
We wanted them to step aside
Make way for Jesus, make way for Jesus
Down in the crowd of all those people was Zaccheus*
Life was tough for this short man
He was despised because of sin
There was no place where he could stand
And look at Jesus
Well, now Zaccheus was short
So he climbed a sycamore tree
Just the right height to see
He could see the Lord
But he felt for sure
“Jesus wouldn’t wanna look at me!
Could He save me? Am I crazy?
I’ve got a past that most people regard as shady
Would He choose to forgive my sins?
Or am I going out on a limb?”
Just then the Lord looked up at him
Said, “Hey, Zaccheus!”
LEAD
So there was silence in the road
While He looked up and spoke
And the world was hanging’ on the line
Jesus hollered up there, “Let’s both go to supper
At your house tonight.”
They said, “Jesus, don’t be facetious
Don’t hang around immoral people like Zaccheus!”
He said, “Baby, don’t detain me!
I’ve gotta go, ‘cause this sheep’s lost
I’m gonna save him!”
Wooo Wooo Wooo Wooo (4X)
All you gotta see is ... we all need saved by Jesus
NOTE: Zaccheus can also be spelled “Zacchaeus,” depending on the translation.
247
Yeah, you’re real tough looking and you’re strong as a tree
But, hey, a little bark doesn’t bother me
That’s what David said while he threw it
Could’ve been you – just let God do it
Parody of:
“Hit Me with Your Best Shot” by Pat Benatar
Hit ‘em with your slingshot
Why don’t you hit ‘em with your slingshot
Fire away!
Eddie Schwartz
Someone is a comin’ who don’t fight fair
That’s O.K. – we have got prayer
God brings down the tall and vain
I get my facts from First Pete and James
Bible References:
1 Samuel 17:1-58, James 4:6, 1 Peter 5:5,
Proverbs 3:34
J’s Journal:
We all know the story of David and Goliath in
1 Samuel 17, so we ought to apply the principles
it teaches when the enemy sends giants against us
in our own lives. Life is a battlefield, but we belong
to the Lord, so hit ‘em with your slingshot! As both
Peter and James say, “God opposes the proud but
shows favor to the humble” (James 4:6, 1 Peter 5:5).
Pat Benatar is only five feet tall, and look at all the
big things she was able to accomplish. When Goliath
says “You’d better run” and “stop using sticks as a
weapon,” don’t get nervous. If we fully rely on God,
we can be invincible. My oldest daughter, Janna,
sings all the vocals on this one, which we released
along with “Take Jude” in early August 2014.
Fire away!
Yeah, you’re real tough looking and you’re strong as a tree
But, hey, a little bark doesn’t bother me
Before I couldn’t ever watch when a big stiff raged
But now I make sure I look him in the face
C’mon! Hit ‘em with your slingshot
Fire away!
Fire away!
248
Hold On, Christ’s Comin’
Parody of:
“Hold on, I’m Comin’ ” by Sam & Dave
Isaac Hayes & David Porter
Bible References:
Psalm 37:7-9, 1 Peter 5:7, Matthew 6:8
J’s Journal:
This song has both imminent and ultimate
applications. When we’re going through rough times
now, the Bible encourages us not to fret but to wait
on the Lord (Psalm 37:7). “Many are the afflictions
of the righteous: but the Lord delivereth him out
of them all” (Psalm 34:19). Furthermore, we’re
ultimately waiting on the Lord to come back for
us when our time on earth is through and to come
back for His church when His time on earth is due
(Philippians 3:20, Revelation 22:20). ApologetiX
isn’t exactly known for duets, but in 2013 we
released two of them, “Lived the Day You Died”
(with my oldest daughter, Janna) and this one, with
legendary soul singer Jimmy “Sputzy” Sparacino. It
was a thrill for me to share the mic with Sputzy,
whom I’d first seen in concert a couple of times
in the 1990’s. And what a great backing band our
church provided! If they’re going to play music while
you’re “on hold,” why not this? Don’t you fret and be sad
Please don’t weep when times are bad
If you stay calm and you don’t doubt
In the midst of trouble
He will bail you out
Just hold on, Christ’s comin’
Hold on, Christ’s comin’
Christ’s on His way if you’re sufferin.
If you just hold fast, Christ will keep His covenant (Hallelujah)
Don’t have to worry (No worries)
In blind fear (No fear)
Don’t need His number, baby (‘cause God’s in the Book)
He’s right here (Hey yeahhhhhh!)
Lookee here!
Keep out of reach
Those bad distractions, yeah
Lookee here, baby! Here’s all you got to do
Call Christ’s name, yeah – and quit reactin’
Yeah, yeah, yeah – yeahhh!
LEAD
Now don’t you fret and be sad
People are mean, and their crimes are bad
When the day comes and He comes down, baby
He’ll deliver His loved ones
Way up off the ground
Just hold on (Don’t you worry)
Christ’s comin’ (Here He comes)
Hold on (Wait on God to save you)
Christ’s comin’ (Yeah!)
Hold on (Don’t you worry)
Christ’s comin’ (Here Christ comes)
Hold on (Our God will save us)
249
Holy Land
Parody of:
“Hold My Hand” by Hootie & the Blowfish
Mark Byran, Dean Felber, Darius Rucker & Jim
Sonefeld
Bible References:
Joshua 24
J’s Journal:
Here’s a song from the perspective of Joshua
at the end of the book that bears his name. He’s
speaking to all the tribes of Israel at Shechem in
chapter 24, reminding them of all that the Lord has
already done for them and telling them to decide if
they’re going to serve Him or not (Joshua 24:15).
Over 3000 years later, we have that same choice
to make in our lives; just like back then, “the land is
full of idols here – they’re gonna make you swerve.”
I wrote two Hootie & the Blowfish parodies for
the project that we eventually released as Ticked
in late 1997. I liked them both, but “Naomi Gonna
Be with Ruth” made the final cut and “Holy Land”
didn’t. This recording came from a concert at St.
Paul’s Lutheran Church in Gaffney, SC on June
2, 1996, the final stop on our first tour. It was
released on a homemade cassette called Dark Side
of the Peachoid in late 1996. I still like to sing it, and
maybe someday we’ll do it up properly. When the Lord above
Gave this land to us
He walked us through the water
around the wilderness
With a little piece of some ground for me
We’ll take this land together
Take the promised land
‘Cause God’s got a land for you
A land that He promised you
Yes, today
Choose who you plan to serve
The land is full of idols here
They’re gonna make you swerve
So get rid of
The things that make you fall
We’ll take ‘em all together
Burn ‘em in a pile
‘Cause God’s got a land for you
A land that He promised you
It’s a holy land – holy land – holy land
‘Cause God’s gonna give you
The best of
The best of the land
See, it was waiting
And we were wasting time
Until we walked across the Jordan
And fought the Canaanties
And there’s still more
And you must clean it out
Don’t wanna deal with compromises
Don’t wanna give an inch of ground
CHORUS
250
Hosanna
Parody of:
“Rosanna” by Toto
David Paich
Bible References:
Matthew 21:8-16; John 12:12-14, 20:1-9;
Mark 11:8-11
J’s Journal:
Oh, how I avoided doing this one! When I first got
the idea for “Hosanna” in late 1999, I was sure that
I wouldn’t be the only person to do so. It’s kind of
an obvious parody – just like “Walk on the Water”
(“Smoke on the Water”) or “Samaritan Woman”
(“American Woman”) – and indeed many people
suggested it (and those other two rewrites) over the
years, not knowing I’d already written half of this
parody. But it wasn’t the title that brought me back;
it was the first couple lines that took it from Palm
Sunday to Calvary. Those God-given lines were too
good to abandon. Come to think of it, it took me a
lot longer to change my mind about finally doing this
song than it did for the crowd of people to go from
worshipping Jesus to demanding His execution.
That took less than a week! But the song and the
story don’t end there – Christ is risen, so we can
shout “Hosanna!” again, even more exuberantly!
Those developments in the lyrics made all the
difference for me. Our resident Toto fan, Hubie, felt
the same way when I shared them with him as we
talked about potential songs for Wise Up and Rock.
By then, I had all of the lyrics complete. They tell
the Resurrection story from the perspective of the
Apostle John. I remember getting a breakthrough on
the lyrics in the second verse in 2011 as I was on my
way to meet my old friend Dave Rhodes for lunch.
All around Jerus’lem they waved their palms adoringly for Jesus Christ
Hosanna, Hosanna
I never thought that a road like that could lead to Calvary
Hosanna
All of us were true and we said we’d never leave when He foretold that night
Hosanna, Hosanna
We didn’t know that they’d look for the Lord inside Gethsemane
Palm Sunday here simply went away – Hosanna, oh yeah
Now He’s gone and I’m at the grave
Meet you on the way, meet you on the way – Hosanna, oh yeah
Meet you on the way, meet you on the way – Hosanna, oh yeah
I can see the place with Simon and the way the rock was rolled aside
Hosanna, Hosanna
I didn’t know that the earth might move and break the seal they had
Hosanna
All I wanna say is that night I never ever thought the Son would rise
Hosanna, Hosanna
I never saw another human who was ever hurt so bad
Not much in here – seems He went away – Hosanna
Now He’s gone, but not passed away
Meet you on the way, meet you on the way – Hosanna, yeah
LEAD
Not much in here – seems He went away – Hosanna
Now He’s gone, but not passed away
251
Hotel Can’t Afford Ya
Parody of:
“Hotel California” by The Eagles
Don Felder, Don Henley & Glenn Frey
Bible References:
Luke 2:7
J’s Journal:
This song is the story of the Nativity told from
the perspective of Jesus’ foster father, Joseph. I
remember getting the idea for this one in a Giant Eagle
supermarket parking lot near my home in Pittsburgh
in 1996. Snow was falling, and the original song
was on the radio. We originally released “Hotel Can’t
Afford Ya” on Jesus Christ Morningstar in 1998,
but after playing it live for a few years, we felt we
could do a much better job. Consequently, when we
made a Christmas EP in 2001, we decided to rerecord “Hotel,” and we also added the Eagles puns
at the beginning and the “Silent Night” part at the
end. Since the Christmas EPs were never available
in stores but included some of our favorite parodies,
we put four of those songs on New & Used Hits.
From a dark desert highway we pulled into the inn
Rome called for a census – I was from Bethlehem
Up above from a distance a star was giving me light
My wife was heavy cause her child was due – We had to stop for the night
So we stood in the doorway of Bethlehem Hotel
And I was thinking to myself, “I hope to Heaven they’ll give me some help”
But they told us no-can-do and they sent me away
“There’s a place around the corner though where you both can stay”
Welcome, but the hotel can’t afford ya
Such a lovely place but we’re out of space
Ran out of room and the hotel can’t afford ya
It’s the time of year – with the census here
My wife was definitely gifted – That’s what the Lord’s angel said
She was about to have a baby boy while still virgin
Spent the night in a barnyard – cheap slumlord’s rent
Some night to remember – some night to forget
So because of what happened I was grieving for my wife
I said, they probably haven’t cleaned in here since B.C. 65
Animal voices were calling for straw and hay
Keep you up through the middle of the night just as if to say
Welcome, but the hotel can’t afford ya
It’s a lovely place, but we’re out of space
Holiday rush and the hotel can’t afford ya
What a nice surprise for your silent night
He was born that evening and shepherds came that night
And they said, We are all just visitors here – of the Holy Christ
And in an ass’s manger, they found the boy asleep
They started gettin’ teary eyed so they went back to their sheep
Last thing I remember there were wise men at the door
They had a bunch of packages from the place they were before
We’re late, said the wise men, We had problems Christmas Eve
We’ve been checking out your shiny light all through the Middle East
252
How You Rewind Me
Parody of:
“How You Remind Me” by Nickelback
Chad Kroeger
Bible References:
James 3:2; Philippians 1:6; Romans 7:15-25,
8:18-19; Hebrews 6:9-10, 13:5; Proverbs 24:16;
Lamentations 3:22-23; Psalm 136; Isaiah 1:18,
43:25; Matthew 18:21-22; Luke 17:4
J’s Journal:
This song deals with our constant battle with sin
(yes, even after we’re born again) and lists some of
my favorite scripture verses dealing with the topic.
I’ve heard a few preachers say that although God
asks us to present our bodies as living sacrifices
(Romans 12:1), the problem with a living sacrifice
is that it keeps crawling off the altar! Thankfully,
even though we all stumble in many ways (James
3:2), God does something to us when we’re born
again that just won’t let us go on sinning (1 John
3:9), so although we fall, there’s always something
(and Someone) inside of us that’s picking us back
up and putting us back on course again. God
calls us to be holy because He is holy, so we try
to live right, but thankfully we are not saved by
our good works (Eph. 2:8-9) nor can we maintain
that salvation by our good works – it is the gift of
God. I love the way Jesus told His disciples (and
us) in Luke 17:4 that if someone “sins against you
seven times in a day, and seven times comes back
to you and says ‘I repent,’ forgive him.” If God has
those kind of standards regarding forgiveness for
us, just imagine the standards He has for Himself!
I wrote this parody in January 2002, and we
started performing it very soon thereafter. I think
the first time was someplace in Missouri. After
Grace Period, we rerecorded the vocals in a rougher
style for single release. That was my idea, but in
retrospect, I like the album version better.
I never made it as a lineman
I couldn’t cut it as a Pittsburgh Steeler
I’m tired of losin’ all the time, man
But sin keeps sendin’ my defenses reelin’
And this is how You rewind me
This is how You rewind me up when I’m really bad
I’m not like You – I’m so sorry
The world’s waitin’ on a distant glory
Each time I’m mistaken
Lord thanks to You I’m not forsaken
And I’ve been wrong; I’ve been down
But through the problems and every battle
These five words in my head scream “But He isn’t done yet”
Yet, yet, yet, oh no, yet, yet, yet, oh no
It’s not like I didn’t know better
I still don’t want to do the things I still do
It must have been Romans 7
Cause livin’ in me is the sin that killed You
And this is how You rewind me up when I’m really bad
Seems all I do is say I’m sorry
You’re Word’s waiting with forgiveness for me
It’s time I put faith in 3:22 in Lamentations
And I’ve been wrong, You bent down
And turned the bottomless pits to potholes
Yet, yet, yet, oh no, yet, yet, yet, oh no
I never made it as a nice man
I could be counted as the poor in spirit
And this is how You designed me
This is how You refine me
You blot out my sins – Isaiah 43
And 1:18 – Your forgiveness floors me
This time I’m just beggin’
Lord can You cure my heart’s frustration?
And I’ve been wrong, I’ve been down
But soon my problems are getting smaller
Yet, yet, but He isn’t done yet, Yet, yet, in Philippians 1:6
253
Huge Slumber Party
Parody of:
“Use Somebody” by Kings of Leon
Kings of Leon
All the Romans around now are lookin’ down they’re all asleep
And the place where He was laid has rolled up sheets
You know it’s like a huge slumber party
You know it’s like a huge slumber party
Someone has moved that old huge stone but how could this be
‘Cause it must have weighed a ton and all could see
You know it’s hard to lose someone’s body
You know it’s hard to lose someone’s body
Someone broke through
All through the night while the eleven of us went off to weep
He waited for the break of morn without a peep
I hope it was a breakthrough moment
I know it was a breakthrough moment
Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah
All the Romans around now are lookin’ down they’re all asleep
Bible References:
John 20:1-9
J’s Journal:
Yeah, it’s a goofy title, but that’s one of the reasons
I like it. In fact, if I like a song’s title – even before
I hear a single note – I’ll usually like the song
itself. But it must have looked like a huge slumber
party with all those Roman soldiers unconscious
around the empty tomb after Jesus rose from the
dead. Of course, the Bible says the soldiers didn’t
fall asleep; they fainted from fear after an angel
appeared and rolled the stone away (Matthew
28:2-4). But the chief priests and elders paid the
soldiers a large sum of money to claim that they’d
fallen asleep on the job and Jesus’ disciples had
stolen His body (Matthew 28:12-13). But that’s
not what really happened, and the disciple narrating
this song knows that. I got the idea and the first
bunch of words for this one while making a pizza
run one night to Vincent’s in Forest Hills, PA. When
I first started working on this song I really thought
Kings of Leon might be singing “Hallelujah” during
the bridge after the lead, but once I found out they
weren’t, I was happy to have us do it instead. This
song worked pretty well for us live, so we followed
up the acoustic version on Soundproof with an
electric version on 20:20 Vision. People always
seemed to be amused at my imitation of the original
lead singer’s voice when we played it in concert, but
the really amusing thing was to see and hear my
daughter Heather imitating me doing it at our house.
254
Humpty Dumpty Country Club
Parody of:
“Honky Tonk Badonkadonk” by Trace Adkins
Saul Hudson, Dave Kushner, Duff McKagan, Matt
Sorum & Scott Weiland
Bible References:
Proverbs 16:18; 1 Corinthians 10:12; 1 John 2:16;
Philippians 2:3; 1 Timothy 3:6; James 3:2, 4:6;
Luke 18:9-14; 2 Corinthians 12:9-10; 1 Peter 5:5-6
J’s Journal:
I wouldn’t recommend The Devil’s Advocate as a
good family film, but you can find traces of Biblical
truth everywhere, including that movie when Al
Pacino (playing Satan) says, “Pride ... it’s my favorite
sin.” This song is written from the perspective of
one of Satan’s minions. Of course, not too many
Bible verses have been quoted more than Proverbs
16:18: “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty
spirit before a fall.” The ironic thing is that people
with pride problems probably won’t hear this parody
and say, “That song’s about me.” But hopefully, it’ll
keep us all on guard lest our own moods swing in
that direction. As 1 Corinthians 10:12 says, “So, if
you think you are standing firm, be careful that you
don’t fall!” Part of this song was written in the car
after dropping our oldest daughter, Janna, off at a
birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese’s in Bridgeville
PA. Trivia: At one time, we considered going in
an entirely different direction for this parody and
having it be about Noah’s neighbor’s reacting to
his building the Ark. It would have been called “A
Hunk o’ Junk That Won’t Get Done.”
Butter him up some
All right, boys, this is his favorite sin, you know that’s pride
So if we make him good and proud, he might give us a chance again
Oh, he let his guard down – Here he comes, here he comes
Yep, yep, they get pride and slip
Humpty Dumpty’s great fall – you know it starts at the wall
He was up there 10 feet tall – didn’t want the Lord’s help at all
Though they trust in the Lord when they’re climbing up the stairs
Sure n’uff pride it makes ‘em fall and stumble once they’re there
At that Humpty Dumpty Country Club
Keepin’ perfect without any help from anyone
Now you’re growing strong like old King Kong
But ooh he sure fell down, smacked the sidewalk
Yeah, pride precedes a fall like Goliath long ago
Lord have mercy how do people get to be such snobs
Now humble meek behavior is what your Father favors
Petty pride-filled strangers are worse than the moneychangers
Glance at chapter 2 of Philippians verse 3
He hates a big ego but loves true modesty
Not that Humpty Dumpty Country Club
Now read in Proverbs 16:18 while I sing this song
God opposes all the cocky dogs
And ooh wee – bow wow wow – cats can scare them off
Yeah, pride precedes a fall like the Pharaoh long ago
The Lord has mercy on the weak but just resists the strong
He don’t care about your strength and your religious discipline
How handsome, smart, or brave you are – you get those gifts from Him
Pride makes everybody crazy – you think you’re feelin’ tough
Take the devil as your lesson – if it looks like you’re hot stuff
Now peek in First Corinthians verse 10:12 and read along
Now you’re showing off and walkin’ tall
But ooh wee shut your mouth and wipe that grin off
Yeah, pride proceeds a fall, like that cherub long ago
Lord have mercy how’d they all forget your risen Son
That’s it right there boys
That’s why we do what we do
They aim for the money
They aim for the glory
They aim for the pretty women
They want in the country club
255
medley
Parody of:
“Hungry Like the Wolf” by Duran Duran
Duran Duran
Tucked in the center, like a surprise
You’ll see a Psalm with earth-shaking size
Ooh, it’s acrostic in its design
Because repeating letters open each line
There’s much written down
I’ve got a hunch I’m bafflin’ you
Shall I expound? The acrostic is found
In the hundred nineteenth Psalm
It’s got a design – it just doesn’t rhyme
And it’s the longest chapter too
It’s alphabetized –22 sections wide
It’s the hundred nineteenth Psalm
Bible References:
Psalm 119
J’s Journal:
This is the fifth of 10 songs in the “80’s Medley
(Octagon but Not Forgotten),” but I started writing
it over a decade before the song that precedes it in
the medley. I was listening to a lot of 80’s songs
when writing the material for Spoofernatural, and I
got the idea for this one in late 1999 or early 2000.
I wouldn’t get the final lyrics until 2011, though.
Psalm 119 is so cool, because it’s not only the
longest chapter in the Bible, it’s also an acrostic, a
really cool feature that gets lost in the translation.
There are 22 sections to the Psalm, corresponding
to the 22 letters of the Hebrew alphabet. The
sections are arranged in alphabetical order, and
each line in a particular section begins with the
letter corresponding to the section. So if we wrote
a similar poem in modern English, there would be
26 sections from A to Z, and each line in section
A would start with a word that started with the
letter “a.” Psalm 119 has a whopping 176 verses,
more than 13 entire books in the Old Testament and
16 in the New Testament! Almost every verse in
the psalm contains some synonym for God’s word
such as “laws,” “statutes,” “ways,” “precepts,”
“commands,” “decrees,” “word,” etc. It’s fitting that
the longest book of the Bible is about the Bible itself.
256
Hurry Home Wayward Son
Parody of:
“Carry On Wayward Son” by Kansas
Kerry Livgren
Bible References:
Luke 15:11-32
J’s Journal:
This is the prog-rock story of the Prodigal Son. If
I remember correctly, I got the idea while waiting
to go through security on a Sunday morning in a
Denver airport. It dawned on me that we often think
of that parable from the perspective of the prodigal,
and it would be interesting to tell it from his father’s
perspective. I wrote this song before I had a son, but I
already had four daughters, so I tried to imagine what
it would be like if one of my kids had walked away
from me and gone off with their inheritance without
looking back. Even though there might be a break
in fellowship and communication, I can’t imagine
ever thinking “Well, they’re no longer my child.” I
would long for them to come back, and continue to
hold out hope for it. And that’s a good way to think
about our relationship with God. Hubie used to be
in a Kansas tribute band called Leftoverture and
has met the original song’s writer, Kerry Livgren.
In fact, he had lunch with him one year when we
were at the Sonshine festival in Willmar MN.
Hurry home my wayward son
There’ll be a feast when you are done
Stay here with me and be blest
Don’t you hide no more
Once I raised a couple boys – yes, my two sons
Didn’t ever think that I’d ever lose one
I was sure he’d never try it
But he grew too wild
So he asked if he could get his inheritance
Though it saddened me I still was his parent
I hear my boy is spending freely
I just fear he’ll pay
CHORUS
As I’m waiting there’s a famine where he’s been
My son may be in the gutter and bleedin’
But didn’t I train him to be a wise man, well
He should be safe, but I don’t know
From the stories people tell me he’s broke and
Tossin’ out his life to pigs in an old pen
I sit on the porch and wait here for him
Will I see my boy this day?
CHORUS
Hurry home – you will always be my boy
Hurry home – there’s no need to be shy boy
Though you left you’re always family
Surely there’s a place for you
CHORUS
257
I Can’t Escape
God filled me inside (Can’t escape)
I’m servin’ Christ (Can’t escape)
He filled up a hole (Can’t escape)
Way down in my soul, yeah (Can’t escape)
I said, can’t escape
I mean, I could run, yeah, but (Can’t escape)
Parody of:
“I Can’t Explain” by The Who
Pete Townshend
Bible References:
Psalm 139:7-8
J’s Journal:
As Psalm 139 explains, you can’t run from God
anyway, anyhow, anywhere. Nevertheless, some
people try to ignore him, and they’ll try to ignore you,
too, if you go from a being a seeker to a finder. Who
are you to tell them what to believe? It’s hard when
they join together against you, but shouldn’t you
relay the truth? You’d better, you bet! This is a song
about something ironic I saw happen after I came
to Christ – once I stopped trying to run away from
God, that’s when my old friends started trying to run
away from me! Oh well … I’m still a happy Jackson,
even if they can’t see the real me. I was a major Who
fan in high school and college. Maybe that’s why I
surrounded myself with guys named Tommy (Tincha
and Milnes) in ApologetiX. However, neither of them
played guitar on this track. That would be Wayne
Bartley. I believe I got the idea for this in the second
half of July 2015. We recorded the music and vocals
in September and October and released it on a single
together with “Christ’s Wedding” on October 11.
Visited my friends I still do
I think you said I’m crazy, that’s true
They’re making fun of me again, they’re agape
I know how it seems, but
Can’t escape our Savior’s love
I’ve been prayin’ for you
You might still move, but
Can’t escape (Can’t escape)
You can’t hear what I say, though (Can’t escape)
Visited the friends I still had
Some things I said have got them real mad
I guess they wanna see my head on a plate
I know how it seems, but
Can’t escape our Savior’s love
Christ can save you, too
You might need proof, but
Can’t escape (Can’t escape)
So hear me one more time now, yeah yeah (Can’t escape)
LEAD
(Ooh ooh) Said I can’t escape now (Can’t escape)
(Ooh ooh) They call me out of my mind (Can’t escape)
(Ooh ooh) But I know what I’ve got here (Can’t escape)
(Ooh ooh) I said I can’t escape
258
medley
Parody of:
“I Can’t Go for That (No Can Do)” by Hall & Oates
Jesus said He’s with me all the time
That doesn’t stop when news is scary and not so fine
You’ve got some problems no one wants, I know
You even prayed about them – they won’t go
Yeah, but I-I-I-I-I cried through many things that He brought me through
Hey, and I-I-I-I-I’d do only pleasant things if I got to choose
Yeah, but I can’t grow from that, no – nor can you
I can’t grow from that, can’t grow from that
Can’t grow from that, can’t grow from that
Darryl Hall, John Oates & Sara Allen
Bible References:
Romans 5:3-5; 2 Corinthians 1:3-4, 4:16-18;
James 1:2-4, 5:10-11; Hebrews 5:7-10
J’s Journal:
This is the eighth of 10 songs in the “80’s Medley
(Octagon but Not Forgotten),” and one of the last
songs written for it. I was working on this parody
shortly after the Pittsburgh Pirates acquired Derrek
Lee and Ryan Ludwick at the 2011 trading deadline
(early August). The Pirates didn’t grow from that,
either; they went from first place on July 18 to
fourth place at the end of the season. The Pirates
weren’t the only ones going through a difficult
stretch at the time – so was ApologetiX. It was
our worst year ever for concert cancellations,
most resulting from mechanical and electrical
problems with our bus, but others from stranger
circumstances, like a pastor who suffered a heart
attack (but thankfully survived). Nevertheless, God
sustained us during those trials, and our faith did
grow. He also allowed us to use that extra time to
record one of my all-time favorite ApologetiX CDs,
Wise Up and Rock. I think this is the only song in the
medley where I didn’t do all the vocals; Hubie added
the “ohs.” His performance is brief (I think he did it in
a minute), but it does sort of make that song a duet.
That’s appropriate, since the song we spoofed was
originally performed by the most successful duo of
the rock era. Speaking of our fellow Pennsylvanians
Hall & Oates, if I were in a secular parody band, I’d
definitely re-do “Maneater” as “Anteater.” Anteaters
are funny. Don’t tell them I said that, though. I’m not
sure I could win if I fought an anteater “one on one.”
259
I Dealt with You
Using Your Word, losing all my friends
Placing trust in You I’ve never second-guessed
I saw the world flashing baubles ‘round my face
Never really loved me – it was always commission-based
Parody of:
“I Melt with You” by Modern English
Modern English
Bible References:
Matthew 13:44-46
J’s Journal:
Jesus didn’t mention a pot of gold at the rainbow’s
end, but He did liken the kingdom of heaven to a
man who gave everything to buy one precious pearl.
You don’t have to be a deep-sea diver or head across
the sea to find that pearl; it’s gathering dust in the
Bible on many bookshelves. Check Matthew 13,
right after chapter 12. I know what you’re thinking:
“Dude, could you please translate what you just
said into Modern English?” Well, that’s what I WAS
doing. Don’t you speak new wave? July 3, 2015,
was a great day for me; my four-year-old son, T.J.,
came home after being hospitalized for three days
with a serious, mysterious infection. Later that day,
my 18-year-old daughter, Janna, came with me on a
trip to the grocery store and the bank, and I played
her “I Melt with You” by Modern English. “I told
Jimmy I might like to do this song,” I said, “and he’s
already gone and recorded drums for it. I guess the
clock is ticking now. I’d better write some words for
it! Too bad it uses the word ‘world’ so often. That’s
one of the hardest words to rhyme with ... girl,
curl, churl, unfurl …” “And pearl,” said Janna. Now,
usually there’s not much call for the world “pearl” in
our songs, but then it hit me: “I shopped for pearls
– the parable of the merchant!” I had most of the
song written by the time we got home. We released
the finished track on August 16. The world’s your
oyster when you trust in the Lord for inspiration.
I shopped for pearls and dealt with You
You seemed so different and this gem it glitters all the time
That stuffy huge Hope Diamond won’t do
I shopped for pearls and dealt with you
(Who would know better?)
I seek a precious prize – the kind which never breaks
(You showed me love)
Crafted in place of those sad generic fakes
(Who could do better?)
I made a pilgrimage my savings to exchange
(You took me up)
Never have regretted that day from long gone by
(That I shopped for pearls, shopped)
(Yeah, shopped for pearls, shopped)
You’ve seen the Scriptures and it’s Matthew 13:45
There’s nothing new that I want too
The jeweler knows the price
Why deal with strangers when the gem Inventor’s on the line
That’s something humankind won’t do
My future hope is Christ
Truth gleams and glistens and now Heaven’s gates are open wide
That’s something human eyes won’t view
260
I Feel God
Parody of:
“I Got You (I Feel Good)” by James Brown
James Brown
Bible References:
Romans 8:16
J’s Journal:
I’d had much of this parody written for quite a
few years, and I felt good about it, but the song
wasn’t typical ApologetiX fare, so I didn’t know
when we’d be able to use it. Then my church
decided to do a special concert in October 2013
featuring one of their former worship leaders,
legendary soul singer Jimmy “Sputzy” Sparacino,
who’s been a part of the Pittsburgh music scene for
over 30 years. I was asked to participate, and this
was the first song I suggested. Of course, Sputzy
knocked it out of the park with his performance,
and it was a real kick for me to see and hear him
singing parody lyrics I’d written. Like the song
says, I really do feel God, and I do that a lot.
I’m sure that sometimes I freak out some of my
friends (even Christian ones) when I notice Godordained coincidences or share some of my crazy
testimonies about specifically answered prayers in
my life, but so what? I can’t help it. Whoa!
I feel God – I do that a lot now
So what? So what?
How ‘bout you?
Whoa!
I feel Christ – His Spirit’s inside
For life! For life!
How ‘bout you?
Man, I told you He’s my Lord
You know that I can’t do no more
And when I told you He’s my Lord
The Lord put proof in my heart
And I feel Christ – His Spirit’s inside
For life! For life!
How ‘bout you?
Man, I told you He’s my Lord
You know that I can’t do no more
And when I told you He’s my Lord
The Lord put proof in my heart
And I feel Christ – His Spirit’s inside
For life! For life!
How ‘bout you?
Whoa!
I feel God – I do that a lot
So what? So what?
How ‘bout you?
So what? So what?
How ‘bout you?
So what? So what?
How ‘bout you?
Hey!
261
I Found the Answer There
Parody of:
“I Saw Her Standing There” by The Beatles
Bible References:
1 Peter 3:15, Hebrews 4:12, 3 John 1:3-4,
Acts 17:11, Jude 1:3, Nehemiah 8:8
Well in Acts 17, there were some folks known as Bereans
And they searched the Scriptures daily to compare.
How they could know truth from error
Ohh, and they found the answer there.
Well 1 Peter chapter 3, says we should play steady “D”
and make a good defense to anyone who cares.
Why we have hope in the future
Ohh, and they found the answer there.
Well now Hebrews 4, says it’s like a sword, but the Word of God is alive.
Well, Saint Paul ain’t no liar, he said all Scripture is inspired.
And profitable to teach, reprove, and correct error
That’s what he wrote in my Bible
Ohh, and I found the answer there.
LEAD
Well, Saint Paul ain’t no liar, he said all Scripture is inspired.
And profitable to teach, reprove, and correct error
That’s what he wrote in my Bible, Ohh, and I found the answer there.
You can find the answer there.
Well I saw the answer there.
J’s Journal:
As “Christians Doin’ Music” describes what
ApologetiX is and does, “I Found the Answer There”
describes what apologetics is and does. I wanted a
song that would help me remember the key scripture
references Acts 17:11 and 1 Peter 3:15, and the
“She was just 17” opening line in the Beatles’
original was a perfect place to get Acts 17 in. I
can’t believe I missed the opportunity to just call
it “I Saw The Answer There,” but I rectified that
problem by the time we recorded it for Boys Aren’t
Backin’ Down. This was one of the earliest parodies
I wrote, and it was also the second song on our very
first cassette, a “live” tape called Get Your Wigs. I
sang it on that tape, but Karl sings it on Isn’t Wasn’t
Ain’t (I sing Lennon’s harmony vocal). 262
I Have to Die First
Parody of:
“Eye of the Tiger” by Survivor
Frankie Sullivan & Jim Peterik
Bible References:
John 12:23-24; Mark 8:31, 9:31-32, 10:34;
Luke 18:31-33; 1 Corinthians 15:26, 15:55
J’s Journal:
Jesus predicted His death a number of times in the
Gospels, including three separate times in three
consecutive chapters in Mark (8:31, 9:31-32,
10:34), but His disciples still didn’t get it. After His
resurrection, two angels had to remind the women
at the tomb: “He is not here; he has risen! Remember
how he told you, while he was still with you in
Galilee: ‘The Son of Man must be delivered into the
hands of sinful men, be crucified and on the third
day be raised again’ ” (Luke 24:6-7). We started
noodling with “Eye of the Tiger” during a practice,
and the words started coming to me as I improvised.
In a few days, the song was complete. It was very
popular with fans, but I was never happy with the
recording. We finally rerecorded it in 2015 for Easter
Standard Time with Wayne Bartley on guitars, Jake
Rieger on bass, and Jimmy on drums. Hubie and I
were the only survivors from the previous recording.
Keith could have done a fine job again, but we had
him working on other songs for that CD at the time.
“I’m risin’ up,” that’s what He said
“It’s My time – let’s commence this
In three days I will be back from the dead
There’s a plan to fulfill in My life”
So many times, He’d talked in the past
About His passion and glory
“Just like the grain used for wheat has to die
I must die, so the wheat can arise”
He said, “I have to die first to fulfill all the signs
Risin’ up through the power of My Father
And at last when the hour has come you’ll know I was right
And I warned you before this that I
Had to die first”
Facin’ death, in Gethsemane
Sweatin’ blood, feelin’ lonely
He prayed to God, “You can take this from Me
If You will,” but He still had to die
He said, “I have to die first in this terrible fight
And my last lonely hour I’ll be prayin’ tonight
But I want you to know this: that I
Have to die first”
Risin’ up, hate filled the mob
Took the Lord up to Calvary
Read the sentence, He was nailed to the cross
But the Man that they killed is alive
He said, “I have to die first – it’s a strange way to fight
And at last I’ll arise and put the devil to flight
And I warned you before this that I
Have to die first
That I have to die first
But I have to die first
But I have to die first”
263
I Know a Riddle
Parody of:
“I Know a Little” by Lynyrd Skynyrd
Steve Gaines
Bible References:
Judges 14
J’s Journal:
Samson was more then a strong man. He was also
a poet and a riddler (holy multitasking, Batman!), as
we see in Judges chapter 14. The original cassette
version of Radical History Tour had two songs about
Samson – this one and a primitive form of “Enter
Samson.” This is the only one that survived to make it
onto CD, thanks in part to the smoking-hot keyboards
of guest keyboardist Mark Gulden.
Well Samson, he went to go and find him a wife
He killed a lion when it threatened his life
He came back and he looked inside
A bunch of buzzin’ honey bees had made it a hive
He said, “I know a riddle
Well, I got a riddle ‘bout this
I know a riddle
Well, I know a riddle ‘bout this
I got a riddle for you
Baby, why don’t you take a guess?”
Well, he got married and he made a feast
He gave this riddle to the Philistines
He said, “Out of the eater came something to eat
Out of the strong came something sweet!”
He said, “I know a riddle
Well, I got a riddle for you
I know a riddle
Well, I know a riddle for you
I got a riddle for you
Baby, can you guess the answer?”
LEAD
Well, the Philistines, they didn’t understand
They said, let’s get his woman; she can tell us the answer
Ooh I think that was a stupid plan
‘Cause you don’t wanna go and get Samson mad
You see, I know a little
I know a little ‘bout him
I know a little
Well, I know a little ‘bout him
I know a little ‘bout Samson
Baby, I can guess the rest
Well, I know a little ‘bout Samson
Baby, he’ll bust your heads
264
I Love Apostle Paul
medley
Parody of:
“I Love Rock and Roll” by Joan Jett & the
Blackhearts
J. Hooker & A. Merrill
Bible References:
Acts 9, 2 Timothy 4:6-22
I saw him standin’ there writin’ letters in chains
I knew he once had been a proud Pharisee
His faith was kind of strong
In God’s favorite Son
And I could tell he didn’t belong in prison with me, yeah me
And I could tell he didn’t belong in prison with me, yeah me
Singin’ – I love Apostle Paul
He put a lotta lines in the Good Book baby
I love Apostle Paul
From Romans into Philemon yes indeed
He smiled, so I got up and asked “Were you framed?”
“Well, that don’t matter,” he said, “’cause I’m not ashamed”
“For Jesus to take me home – I need to be in Rome”
When execution comes – you’ll see I’ll be free, yeah free
When execution comes – you see, I’ll be free indeed
CHORUS
His letters won’t take you long – You need to read them all
So let’s get movin’ on – and read ‘em with me, yeah me
And we’ll review them all and see what became of Paul
(In Second) Timothy
CHORUS
J’s Journal:
The Bible gives unvarnished accounts of its heroes.
Do you wanna touch on an example? It doesn’t hide
the bad reputation and dirty deeds of the notorious
Saul of Tarsus. But Christ brought the light of day
into his dark heart. He made up for his misspent
youth, preaching the pure and simple Gospel, and
wound up on the hit list of his former (fake) friends.
We released the original studio version of “I Love
Apostle Paul” in 2000 on our Spoofernatural CD,
with me singing lead vocals, because we didn’t have
any female vocalists back then. I reprised that role
for our live version in 2004 on New & Used Hits and
in countless concerts through the years. My oldest
daughter, Janna, sang backing vocals for the live
version that was a part of the “Anniversary Medley”
on our 20:20 Vision CD in 2012, and we finally
came full circle in 2015, with Janna singing lead
vocals and me singing backing vocals on the new
studio version. Once you hear it, you’ll hate yourself
for loving our old version. But I really do love the
Apostle Paul. I first got the idea for this parody
while driving to the Pittsburgh airport to pick up my
future wife, Lisa. The verses describe an anonymous
prisoner’s encounter with Paul, but the choruses are
lines that any believer can sing. 265
I Made the Team
Parody of:
“I’m Eighteen” by Alice Cooper
Vincent Furnier & Michael Bruce
Bible References:
Titus 3:5, Ephesians 2:8-9
J’s Journal:
My youngest older sister, Gayle, got me hooked on
baseball cards in first grade, and I became an instant
fan of our national pastime. It didn’t hurt that the
Pirates won the World Series later that year, either.
I played one year of little-league baseball in first or
second grade, and I was absolutely horrible, so it
was easy for me to compare getting picked for a
baseball team (despite my lack of skills) with getting
chosen by Jesus for His team (despite my lack of
merit). The scriptural inspiration for this parody is
Jesus’ words in John 15:16: “You did not choose
me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you
might go and bear fruit – fruit that will last – and
so that whatever you ask in my name the Father
will give you.” This song was a happy accident,
just as it would have been if I’d actually hit the ball
in little league! I was listening to an Alice Cooper
“best of” collection and planning to spoof the song
“School’s Out,” when this one came on, and the title
and idea came to me. I got a big chunk of the lyrics
while driving to an outdoor concert we were doing
in Steubenville OH on May 30, 2009. Tinch cut
his teeth on early Alice Cooper music, so we were
able to start playing it in sound check two weeks
later. Appropriately enough, one of the first times
we played it for an audience was at a post-game
concert in Binghamton NY for the minor-league
affiliate of the New York Mets. They gave out Moses
bobbleheads that night – I’m not kidding!
I fall on my face and hands
The last ball knocked me on the ground
“Find us a hitter,” they shout in the stands
I’m annoying all the fans
I made the team – and I don’t know how to bunt
Made the team – I just don’t score any runs
Made the team – I’ve got swing and pray
I’m gonna get out anyway
I’ll go running to the wrong base, oh yeah
I’ve got, a Babe Ruth’s waist and an old man’s arm
Look at me field – you’ll get alarmed
Don’t always throw where I’m taught, there’s no doubt
Still I keep winnin’ – it’s a miracle how
But I made the team – I get confused every play
Made the team – I guess I’m no Willie Mays
Made the team – my God He did the trade
LEAD
I fall on my face and my hands
I fall at the feet of Christ
I’m just a sinner – a little-league life
But I’m important in my Lord’s plans
I made the team, and I like it!
Yes, I like it! Whoa, I like it, love it, like it, love it
Made the team, made the team, made the team and I like it!
266
I Saw the Answer There
Parody of:
“I Saw Her Standing There” by The Beatles
Bible References:
1 Peter 3:15, Acts 17:11, Jude 1:3, 3 John 1:3-4,
Hebrews 4:12, Nehemiah 8:8
Well, see in Acts 17
The dudes were known as Bereans
And they checked the Book
Each day when Paul was there
Now all of them are our brothers, whoa
‘Cause they saw the answer there
Well, First Peter, 3:15
Says I – I should be
Ready for the ones
Who call on us to share
We should defend truth with honor, whoa
‘Cause we saw the answer there
Well, you start that book
With a heart that looks
And an open-ended mind
Well, we can’t prove what’s right
If we don’t read what’s inside
So before too long you’d better learn the Word
Now is your chance to discover, whoa
How I saw the answer there
REPEAT BRIDGE & THIRD VERSE
J’s Journal:
This song was first released as “I Found the Answer
There” live on our Get Your Wigs cassette in 1992,
followed by a studio version on Isn’t Wasn’t Ain’t in
1993. But I always thought the lyrics could be a lot
tighter, and we considered recording the rewritten
version in the mid-90’s for an all-Beatles project. It
wouldn’t see the light of day, however, until The
Boys Aren’t Backin’ Down in 2009. Of course, like
the original parody version, this one gets its start
from Acts 17:11, which commends the Bereans
because “they received the message with great
eagerness and examined the Scriptures every day to
see if what Paul said was true.” It continues on with
1 Peter 3:15, which tells believers, “But in your
hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared
to give an answer to everyone who asks you to
give the reason for the hope that you have. But do
this with gentleness and respect ...”
267
I Wanna Read the Bible
Parody of:
“I Wanna Be Sedated” by The Ramones
Joey Ramone
Bible References:
Luke 16:31, Nehemiah 8:8
J’s Journal:
This is one of the first Christian parodies I ever
wrote, and it’s a prime example of why I started
doing such things: I wanted to memorize the Bible
and I wanted to work on my guitar skills. So I took
a song that was simple enough for me to figure out
(you can count on the Ramones for that) and used
it to help myself memorize the books of the Old
Testament in order. Back in those days, it probably
did seem to some people that I was reading the Bible
24 hours a day. I sure read it a lot, but I had to make
up for a lot of lost time. This song was probably
written in 1989 or thereabouts, and it really did
enable me to memorize the Old Testament books.
So I immediately started working on a companion
piece for the New Testament, “The New Testament
in Living Color.” This live recording came from our
fourth concert ever, May 29, 1992, at Destiny
Christian Fellowship in Moon Township, PA. I later
changed the title of the song to “I Wanna Read it
Daily,” since it rhymes better, and the song only lists
the Old Testament books and not the entire Bible.
We’d later remedy that problem with “Mediterranean
Wholebook News” and “La Bible.” Twenty twenty twenty-four hours or more
I wanna read the Bible
Old Testament don’t have to be a chore
It’s just Genesis, and Exodus, Leviticus again
Numbers, Deuteronomy and Joshua and then
Judges, Ruth and First and Second Samuel makes 10
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Twenty twenty twenty-four hours or more
Old Testament don’t have to be a bore
It’s just First and Second Kings
And First and Second Chronicles
Ezra, Nehemiah, Esther and the book of Job
Psalms and Proverbs and Ecclesiastes
And Song of Songs of Solomon
Twenty twenty twenty-four hours or more
Old Testament don’t have to be ignored
It’s Isaiah, Jeremiah, Lamentations and Ezekiel
Daniel and Hosea, Joel and Amos, Obadiah
Jonah, Micah, Nahum, Habakkuk and Zephaniah
Haggai, Zechariah, Malachi-yi-yi-yi
Bi-Bi-Bi-Bible
Bi-Bi-Bi-Bible ... I wanna read the Bible
Bi-Bi-Bi-Bible
Bi-Bi-Bi-Bible
Bi-Bi-Bi-Bible
Bi-Bi-Bi-Bible ... I do believe we made it!
268
I Want in That Place
Parody of:
“I Want It That Way” by The Backstreet Boys
Max Martin & Andreas Carlsson
Bible References:
Revelation 3:20; Romans 3:10, 3:23, 10:9
J’s Journal:
This song discusses the concept that while we’re
knocking and seeking God (Matthew 7:7, Luke
11:9), Jesus is knocking and seeking us (Revelation
3:20). We look at Heaven and say, “I want in that
place,” and He looks at our heart and says, “I
want in that place.” I got the idea for this song
while driving through Tennessee to Gospel Music
Assocation (GMA) Week in Nashville.
You are much higher – I want inside there
Beneath heav’n I pray – I want in that place
But we are two worlds apart – You speak to my heart
Then You say, “I want in that place”
Tell me why – (You) came knockin’ on my heart today
Tell me why – I’m nothin’ but a disgrace
Tell me why – Why You’d ever come to me and say
I want in that place
Can I soar higher? I want inside there
Yes I know – it’s two-way
But I want in that place
Help me Christ – I’m nothin’ but I’m sorry
Help me Christ – I’m knockin’ but I need grace
Help me Christ – I’m never gonna get it straight
But I want in that place
Now I can see that we’ve fallen so short
From the way we’re supposed to be (Yeah)
No man in existence is righteous enough
I need You inside of me
You are Messiah – You want inside of
My heart – C’mon, c’mon, c’mon!
(C’mon I need you)
(You) came knockin’ on my heart today
Tell me why – I’m nothin’ but a disgrace
Tell me why – in Revelation 3 You say
Help me Christ – I’m nothin’ but I’m sorry
Help me Christ – I’m knockin’ but I need grace
Help me Christ – I hear Heaven’s gonna be great
REPEAT LAST CHORUS
And I want in that place
269
I Want That Crown
Well, I want that crown
So I run track now
Using stamina and I’ll pace myself
So I don’t pass out
Parody of:
“I Won’t Back Down” by Tom Petty
Tom Petty & Jeff Lynne
Bible References:
1 Corinthians 9:24-27, 2 Timothy 2:5
J’s Journal:
This song expounds on the theme of 1 Corinthians
9:24-25, where Paul exhorts believers to run the
race of life in such a way as to win the prize – a
crown that will last forever. I got the idea for it on
February 15, 2014, and we had the finished mix
from Hubie only 22 days later! That was probably
the fastest we’d ever taken a song from start to
finish – which is fitting, since the lyrics are about
running a race! Tom Milnes and I are both big Tom
Petty fans, and I’d been wanting to spoof him for
years; he’s got a fun voice to imitate. Anyway, I’d
been reading a book about Petty, so I called Tom
M. on February 15 on my way to pick up pizza
and asked if he’d ever played any Petty songs. He
named three: “I Won’t Back Down,” “Free Fallin’,”
and “Refugee.” I much prefer the latter two songs,
but wouldn’t you know it, right after getting off the
phone, I got an idea and most of the words for a
parody of “I Won’t Back Down.” About 75 percent
of the song was done by the time I got home. But
dig this: I’d also been scheduled to do a live music
presentation for my daughters’ school the following
Thursday, and their biblical theme that year was
“Running the Race.” That made this parody perfect
for the presentation, and Tom M. came with me to
the school and performed it live. So we went from
nothing to a live performance in only five days …
and then a completed recording 17 days after
that. Shouldn’t we get some kind of prize for that?
Well, I’ve planned my route
Won’t be runnin’ wild
And I’ll keep this world from flaggin’ me down
‘Cause I am God’s child
And I want that crown
(I want that crown)
Hey, baby, there ain’t no pleasin’ the crowd
(I want that crown)
Hey, I – will stay on my route
And I won’t crack now
Well, I focus my
Eyes on just one prize
And I will not keep on lookin’ all around
Till the finish line
Got a one-track mind
(My one-track mind)
Hey, baby, read First Corinthians 9
(My one-track mind)
Hey, yeah – it’s there you’ll find
(My one-track mind)
‘Bout a one-track mind
LEAD
(I want that crown)
(I want that crown)
Hey, I – want that crown
(I want that crown)
(I want that crown)
Hey, I – will stay on my route
(I want that crown)
Till I’ve won that crown
(I want that crown)
You know, I want that crown
270
I Went in the Stream
Parody of:
“Islands in the Stream” by Kenny Rogers & Dolly
Parton
Baby, when I mentioned ‘bout the peace I’ve known
I said don’t forget that if you find truth shown
Don’t just toss it aside, carelessly ignoring God
You do something to repent and then you’ll change
Drawing closer and you’ll feel so strange
When you give Him your heart, Jesus comes and grows a crop
Tending to this vine – it requires a bit of patience
All the stuff we feel – He knows converts face it
He guides us to Heaven, uh huh – taking us to His Father, uh huh
Barry, Robin & Maurice Gibb
I went in the stream – and it washed me off
No one else can clean – like my Jesus does
There’s one Way for me, you, and all the world
And we rely on His Father, uh huh – and One Other you’ll discover, uh huh
Bible References:
Colossians 2:11-12; Romans 6:3-4; 1 Peter
3:18-22; 1 Corinthians 1:13-17; Matthew 3:13-6,
28:19-20; Ephesians 2:8-9
I can never add to what the Lord has done
Everything is nothing without God’s own Son
And you can walk in the light, knowing He’s inside as your real king
But baptism we do as the way God showed how
To make a public statement no one doubts
And we’re just making clear, it’s a symbol here of the real thing
J’s Journal:
Pardon me for asking, but looking back through the
years, do you recall when you dedicated your life
to Christ? No matter what condition you were in
– cowardly like Gideon or bold like Joshua – a true
encounter with God’s real love will turn you around.
In baptism, we publicly declare we’re starting over
again, having been saved by grace through faith. I
got the idea for this parody while out for a walk
around my neighborhood on August 22, 2015. I
was surfing through a playlist of the #1 songs
of 1980’s on my iPod, looking for potential song
ideas. This wasn’t the kind of song I initially had
in mind, but the title popped into my head and the
words started flowing like, uh, a stream. My church
actually has a stream flowing next to it where they
do baptisms. I wasn’t eager to write a song about
baptism, because Christians have diverse opinions
about its significance and acceptable modes, but I
sensed God was leading me in that direction. I tried
to insert as many scripture references as possible,
so listeners could draw their own conclusions.
Although it wasn’t intentional, this is the second
song we did with Keely Singer on lead vocals that
had the word “stream” in the title. And it was only
the fifth song she’d done with us. Moreover, I think
we only have two titles in our whole songbook
with the word “stream,” and she sings lead on both
of them. That sort of gives new meaning to the
term “music streaming,” doesn’t it?
No more will you die – there’s a tie this world can’t sever
We start again as sons and live forever
Jesus guides us to Heaven, uh huh – taking us to His Father, uh huh
Romans 6 verse 3, 4, 5 read it all
Don’t put faith in me – you look up the words
3:21 in First Peter, yourself
And Colossians 2:11 and 12
Saved by grace
Oh, and we’re saved through faith, sing with me
Verse 1:17, First Corinthians
Matthew 3:15 – you look up the words
That Jesus Christ humbly uttered, uh huh – as He walked into the water, uh huh
I went in the stream – and They washed me off
Holy Trinity –in the name of God
28:19 – you know Matthew’s words
It’s Jesus Christ and His Father, uh huh – and One Other you’ll discover, uh huh
271
Ignorant Song
Parody of:
“Immigrant Song” by Led Zeppelin
Well, the atheists and the agnostics know
But they don’t wanna listen to their conscience, though
Man was made by God; everybody knew it
Some ignore it, some deny it; Gehenna knows they’re coming
Always pleading ignorance – willingly denying your common sense
Romans 1:18 – listen to the words of Paul:
The wrath of God abides upon people who pretend that they don’t know
All creation that you saw was evidence of the existence of God
Tonight you’d better stop acting like your stupid
If you don’t you’ll find yourself with those who willingly deny the truth
Jimmy Page & Robert Plant
Bible References:
Romans 1:18-32
J’s Journal:
I love the title for this song! Of course, we’re
talking about people who willingly choose to
remain ignorant. As it says in Romans 1:18-19,
“The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven
against all the godlessness and wickedness of men
who suppress the truth by their wickedness, since
what may be known about God is plain to them,
because God has made it plain to them.” Before we
had this title, we briefly considered calling it the
“Amygrant Song.” But just for a second. :)
272
I’ll Prepare for You
Parody of:
“I’ll Be There for You” by The Rembrandts
M. J. Skloff, D.L. Crane, M. F. Kauffman, D.C.
Wilde, P.R. Solem & A.S. Willis
Bible References:
John 14
J’s Journal:
This song is based on Jesus’ words at the Last Supper
in John 13-17; the title and chorus comes from John
14:2-3, when Jesus says, “In my Father’s house are
many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you.
I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I
go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and
take you to be with me that you also may be where
I am.” Later in that same discourse (John 15:1315a), Jesus says, “Greater love has no one than
this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are
my friends if you do what I command. I no longer
call you servants, because a servant does not know
his master’s business. Instead, I have called you
friends.” Since He used the word “friends” in three
consecutive verses, it seemed appropriate that we
use a song that was also used as the theme for the
television show Friends. We rerecorded this song
in 2015 for Easter Standard Time with the Rieger
boys playing guitar and bass and Jimmy on drums.
So Jesus told His disciples
I’m gonna go away
But where I go you know
They all cried, Please explain!
He said, You’ve all been stuck in second grade
If you haven’t seen the Way, the Truth, the Life
Is here in your face ... but
I’ll prepare for you
Prepare a place up above
‘Cause I’ve been there before
And you prepare for me, too
I’ll send another friend
To help you on your way
You’ll learn from Him, you’ll go far
Please don’t be afraid
The Father helped me do the things I did
But you even will do greater works than that
If you believe – that
CHORUS
The world could never know Him
The world could not receive Him
So you’re the only ones who know
What it’s like to know Him
There’ll come a place and day when
He’ll come to live inside you
Soon when all of this happens
You will know the words I said were true
LEAD
Seems like you’ve all been stuck in second grade
If you haven’t seen the Way, the Truth, the Life
Is here in your face, but
CHORUS
273
I’m a Receiver
Parody of:
“I’m a Believer” by The Monkees
Neil Diamond
Bible References:
Ephesians 2:8-9, Romans 8:32, Matthew 10:8,
John 1:12
J’s Journal:
You know, when you compare the religions of this
world, you’ll notice something: every other religion
besides Christianity is a system of man trying to
reach up to God, to make himself good enough for
God (or whatever godlike state of enlightenment
he is trying to achieve). Christianity is the only
religion that shows God reaching down to man,
when man realizes he can never be good enough on
his own. It isn’t so much about us giving things to
God (although we do give Him our heart), as it is
about receiving the gift He has given. Christ has this
gift available to all of us; but He can stand outside
the door and knock (Revelation 3:20) all your life,
and if you don’t open up the door and receive the
gift, you’re never going to get it. Ironically, “I’m a
Believer” was on the very first album I ever received
as a gift, a hand-me-down copy of More of the
Monkees courtesy of my older sisters.
I thought God was only Jewish fairy tales
Meant for someone else with lots more faith
All my doubts depressed me
That’s the way it stayed
Till a voice said, “Honey, call my name”
Then I got His grace
Now I’m a receiver
God replaced
The doubt in my mind
I’ve been loved
I’m a receiver – got the Redeemer in my life
I thought God was more impressed with givin’ things
He said, “Boy, I gave the best I got
What’s the use in strivin’?
All your debt is paid
Didn’t leave a punchline on My grave”
Got a place
A palace on high
Up above
I’m a receiver – I’m gonna be there if I die
What’s the use in strivin?
All your debt is paid
Check out Romans 10:9 – I got saved
When I got His grace
Mama says
I’m out of my mind
I’ve been touched
I’m a receiver – I got Ephesians 2:8,9
Not afraid
About when I die
Now I’m a receiver, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
274
I’m Cured
Parody of:
“I’m Yours” by Jason Mraz
Jason Mraz
Bible References:
Mark 2:1-12, Luke 5:17-26, Matthew 9:1-8
J’s Journal:
In the summer of 2009, I was asked to perform
some songs for a kids’ summer camp at my church.
Their story theme that day was the paralytic who
was healed by Jesus after his friends lowered him
through the roof. Unfortunately, I hadn’t written this
parody yet, but I kept that in mind early the following
year when I got the words “I’m Cured” as the parody
title for this song. Can you imagine the thoughts
that were going through the people’s minds when
they saw Jesus heal that man? I know what I’d be
thinking: “Who’s gonna pay for that roof?” Of course,
that would be a secondary thought, but we actually
do address that in this song for a little comedic
effect. As the lyrics imply, though, when we blame
our spiritual situation on our physical limitations,
it’s just a lame excuse. Thanks to Tom M.’s
instrumental versatility, this is my all-time favorite
ApologetiX ukulele song … until we do a parody of
“Tiptoe Through the Tulips” by Tiny Tim, that is.
Well, my crew done brung me in a bed I dwelt in
‘Cause I was real ill and I could not move myself in
I felt quite rude, in fact, while I was lyin’ on my back
But, Lord, I couldn’t run out and now You’re givin’ me attention
And nothin’ could have helped me but divine intervention
I reckon that’s what just occurred
I’ve been somewhat burdensome
But I won’t vegetate no more, oh Lord,
I’ll stand up straight – I’m cured
We’ll open up the roof they said to me
Put ropes around your bed and then you’ll be
Lowered to the floor in no time
From above now
Burst into the room and all the normal people gasped and shrieked
Just like some Greek tragedy
But if our God can make it right I’ll get up, up, up, up
But I won’t vegetate no more, oh Lord,
I’ll stand up straight – I’m cured
Guess I’ll need to compensate that guy for sure
Whose roof they made a door
So doo-ja doo-ja doo-ja doo-ja
Doo-ja doo-ja doo doo doo doo-ja doo-ja
Want to come help?
Scoot that ladder over here
And I will the make the repairs
Soon there won’t be any hole
I’ve been spending way too long thinking my trouble was merely
Dependin’ on my back and legs but now I see it clearly
But now I just got off my back
And, Lord, it’s You and your grace that I lacked
I guess that I’ll be stayin’ up and make my bed for sleepin’
Forgiveness was the very biggest gift that I was needin’
It’s what You came to do
How lame is our excuse
CHORUS
Open up to Mark in verse 2:3
Open up to Luke in 5:18
Look in Matthew 9 and you’ll find
I am cured
To please God, please God, please God
First you need to come in faith
Seek out Christ our Lord
Listen kids ‘cause this one’s got legs
I’m cured
275
I’m Gonna Feed (500 Mouths)
Parody of:
“I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)” by The Proclaimers
Charles Reid & Craig Reid
Bible References:
John 6:1-15
J’s Journal:
An eyewitness and humorous account of Christ’s
feeding of the 5000. Although the idea for this song
and the chorus came to me in January 2003, a large
portion of the song came later in the year in the WalMart parking lot in Cranberry, PA while I was waiting
for my wife to return from the eye doctor. Doug
Watson is a Christian-music store owner in Glasgow,
Scotland, who has been stocking ApologetiX in a his
store for several years now. We had the pleasure
of meeting Doug when we played Atlantafest in
2002, and he presented us with a Scottish flag. We
resisted the temptation to tell him in advance that
we were spoofing a Scottish band, the Proclaimers,
on Adam Up, and I’ll admit that I waited with slight
apprehension to hear what he thought about it. Lo
and behold, he sent us an unsolicited email in late
January 2003 that said, “Just to let you know
Adam Up landed in Glasgow today. It is absolutely
brilliant (loved the Leith accent on ‘I’m Gonna Feed
(500 Mouths)’ – I’m sure the Proclaimers will be
pleased with it! Of course we have played it a few
times in the store and sold a few. You’d be amazed
to know that we are consistently selling all your
other titles and are making them known to new
people all the time. ‘Keep the Change’ is possibly the
best selling of all the titles. We are glad to partner
you in your ministry and pray God’s rich blessing
on this new project. Peace for the New Year,
Doug Watson” Needless to say, we’re honored.
When I bake stuff with the dough I’m gonna knead
I’m gonna be the man who makes some bread for you
When I go out in a boat upon the sea
I’m gonna need a net and row a long way too
If I catch some fish that float under the deep
I’m gonna be the man who gets some fish for you
And if there’s flavor, yeah, I know I’m gonna eat
I’m gonna eat some and I’ll save the rest for you
And I have watched five hungry mouths
And I have watched 500 more
But I’ve seen a man who fed 5000 mouths at once
And that’s the Lord
Well, I watched Him, yes, I know what I have seen
He was a teacher man who taught the whole day through
With so many comin’ forth to watch that dude
It would cost someone every penny just for food
“Send ‘em all home, Lord, you know they gotta eat”
They told the teacher man, who said, “That’s up to you
And with five loaves and two fish from Galilee
I’m gonna feed ‘em and they’re goin’ home renewed”
CHORUS
Have another (Have another) Pass the butter (Pass the butter)
Da da da dum de de dum da lum de de lum da da
Have some water (Have some water) Pass the tartar (Pass the tartar)
Da da da dum de de dum da lum de de lum da da
Well, I’m only telling only what I’ve seen
But when the teacher man was done they sent out food
And men were eating, well, I know they got a treat
They got a treat about the size of Timbuktu
Well, I’ve no doubt that in Luke 9:17
You’re gonna read it and suppose the number’s skewed
But in the front row, don’t you know I had a seat
I saw at least 12 baskets of leftover food
I got a “B” in math, so, son, I know … it’s true
CHORUS
Had a tough crowd (Had a tough crowd)
Fattened up now (Fattened up now)
Grab a rough count (Grab a rough count)
Add ‘em up now (Add ‘em up now)
Ya da la ta la ta la da la la la
Gather up now (Gather up now)
Every crust now (Every crust now)
Ya da la ta la ta la da la la la
Gavin McLeod (Gavin McLeod)
From “The Love Boat” (From “The Love Boat”)
Yeah I know that line’s kind of dumb my mind’s kind of numb right now
CHORUS
276
InYerFace Love Song
Parody of:
“Interstate Love Song” by Stone Temple Pilots
Dean DeLeo & Scott Weiland
Bible References:
Romans 10:9, 10:13
Feelin’ like there’s someone after you?
Don’t run away from Jesus Christ
Tonight
Feelin’ like a man who wants to change
So do you want eternal life?
Decide!
Believe that He rose from the grave
And confess your faith in Christ
Call His name and believe in Him
And then watch Him change your life
All you need is to pray to Him
Prayin’ is the hardest thing you’ll do
The rest is easy ‘cause He changes you
Inside
For life!
Believe that He rose from the grave
And confess Him with your mouth
Romans 10 says that He will save
Everyone who trusts Him now
All you need is to pray to Him
J’s Journal:
I’m not really an in-your-face kind of person in
everyday life, so I have to use music to do it. This
is a simple song about salvation, based on Romans
10:9 and 10:13, where the Apostle Paul says, “That
if you confess with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’
and believe in your heart that God raised him from
the dead, you will be saved,” and “For everyone
who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”
I must admit that I took this tune for granted (or
at least wondered if it ever had much of an impact
on anybody) until a former co-worker told me this
song played a pivotal role in bringing him to Christ.
That blew my mind. Praise the Lord!
277
Iran (So Far Away)
In Babylon they never knew
They never thought defeat could come so soon
From Media-Persian troops
The prophet Daniel prophesied
That final night and history finds him true
And this uprising grew
Parody of:
“I Ran (So Far Away)” by A Flock of Seagulls
A Flock of Seagulls
Bible References:
Daniel 5:1-30, Romans 8:28
J’s Journal:
This is a parody about the ancient kingdom of
Media-Persia, which was located in the area now
known as Iran. The lyrics discuss the fall of Babylon
to the Media-Persians as described in Daniel 5, the
famous story with the writing on the wall, alluded
to on the cover of our Biblical Graffiti CD. Thanks
to this tune, ApologetiX inadvertently got involved
in the war on terror. On November 8, 2015, the
night we released this single (which also included
“I Went in the Stream”), we noticed that the initial
donations for it were getting flagged by PayPal
with this message: “To comply with government
regulations, PayPal is required to review certain
transactions. This payment is currently being
reviewed and we will complete this process within
72 hours.” My wife did some research and found
that certain buzzwords can draw the government’s
attention because of terrorism, so she wondered if
the word “Iran” had anything to do with it. I called
PayPal, and they confirmed our suspicions. I guess it
wasn’t wise to have a transaction that said “I Went
in the Stream/Iran Donation,” especially those last
two words together. As soon as we removed the
word “Iran” from the transaction details, everything
was fine. I actually wrote the first verse and chorus
of “Iran” in the spring of 2000, a year and a half
before the events of 9/11. The world seemed a lot
safer back then. Kudos to Wayne and Todd for all
the special effects on this track.
In Iran – Iran so far away
God has plans that man cannot escape
They couldn’t get away
From God appeared a hovering hand
It seemed to write divine inspired clues
A sign of final doom
The crowd was moved with fear until
The horrors of reality ensued
And warriors broke through
From Iran – Iran so far away
They couldn’t get away
See now the hand of God in fate
You know it’s His that’s steering what men do
His Spirit summons you
Read now in Daniel 5 again
And know that in the deep of night He moved
Through Media-Persian troops
God has plans but Romans 8:28
278
Iraq & Iran
Parody of:
“Jack & Diane” by John Cougar Mellencamp
John Cougar Mellencamp
Bible References:
Daniel 2:36-45, 4:17, 5:18-31, 7:17-27, 8:19-26,
11:1-45; Revelation 11:15
J’s Journal:
In this time of political unrest, a title like “Iraq & Iran”
probably makes this look like another anti-authority
song designed to make America look foolish. Huhuh. Although many pop singers at the time this song
was released tried to make our president look like
the brainless scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz, this was
actually a melancholy commentary about how even
the greatest kingdoms of the world come crumbling
down with time. Iraq and Iran were once the sites
of two of the ancient world’s greatest kingdoms,
Babylon and Media-Persia. I had the title and a couple
rough lines for this song way back in the 1990’s,
but the bulk of it wasn’t written until we started
working on the Future Tense album.
Little ditty ‘bout Iraq & Iran
Two very ancient kingdoms growin’ up near the Holy Land
Iraq it used to be a superpower
Known as Babylon, that’s the scene of that big tower
Babylon was really strong but over time would taste defeat
Iran sittin’ on the Iraqis’ map
They had the Persians and the Medes
Iraqis they hated Iran but they were cut off in 539 B.C.
Babylon had fallen but what would Persia do about Greece
Say, uh
Oh, yeah, life goes on
Long after the threats of little nations
Oh, yeah, life goes on
Long after the best of civilizations
Are all gone
After this happened, the Greeks would fall to the Romans
Back in a hundred and forty-six B.C.
Well, then those Romans, they had a run of sitting pretty
That ended, badly, in the 5th Century
And as we said now
CHORUS
So when they talk about control
Look at Babylon, Persia, Greece and Rome
No longer sitting as strong as they can
Change can come around real soon, make us little again
CHORUS
Little ditty ‘bout Iraq & Iran
You American kids do your best to understand
279
Isaac Man
Parody of:
“Ice Cream Man” by Van Halen
John Brim
Bible References:
Genesis 17, John 6:37
J’s Journal:
This is the story of Isaac told by the man himself.
Sometimes God’s promises seem to take a long
time to come to pass, but they’re always right on
time. Speaking of which, it took us 16 years, but
we finally released a decent live version of this song
in 2010 to replace our original studio version from
1994. We recorded the live version at a concert in
South Charleston WV in August 2010 with Tinch
and Hubie on guitars. Ironically, it was something
we had whipped together in sound check that day.
Dedicate one to the babies!
In Genesis 17, Abraham was gettin’ old
Ah now, Genesis 17, Abraham was gettin’ old
But he didn’t have a child quite the way God said that he would
But he finally did
I’m the Isaac man – Poppa was 99 – oh my my
I’m the Isaac man – Poppa was 99
When the Lord told Abram that Sarah and he’d have a child
Hold on a second
Well, the Lord said to Sarah, “Did you laugh?
This baby’ll be your son, too!”
I’m the Isaac man, baby – Poppa was 99
When the Lord told Abram that Sarah and he’d have a child
Hold on one more
Well, the Lord said Abram, “I’m
Gonna make Sarah a mom
Ha ha ha – She’ll have a son!
The Lord said Abram, “I’m
Gonna make Sarah a mom
And if you listen to Me, Abram, ooh, there’ll be a nation to come”
Come on in, boys
I said, one day it happened; there I was!
The promise of the Lord came true
You see, all God’s babies are guaranteed to come in time
I’m the Isaac man – Poppa was 99 – whoa
When the Lord told Abram that Sarah and He would have a child
C’mon boys
LEAD
I’m the Isaac man – Poppa was 99 – whoa
When the Lord told Abram that Sarah and He would have a child
I’m the Isaac man
I’m-a Isaac and
I was a b-b-b-b-b-baby
They say all God’s baby’s are guaranteed to come in time
Whoa!
280
Parody of:
“Livin’ Lovin’ Maid (She’s Just a Woman)” by Led
Zeppelin
Bible References:
1 Corinthians 1:18-27, Galatians 1:9
There’s some people who will tell you we can all be gods
Isn’t, wasn’t – ain’t in the Bible
They go around toutin’ “New Age” quite a lot
I know Satan always tells a lie
No matter how good it sounds
Take a look in your Bible
You can bet it isn’t written down
Purgatory, purgatory, wherever that is
Man, there ain’t no place for payin’ off your sins
CHORUS
Good and bad karma don’t make sense to me
If you can’t remember who you used to be
LEAD
Somebody says that there are lots of ways
But you’ll find out different on your dyin’ day
J’s Journal:
One of the first things that amazed me about the
Bible was the number of things that weren’t in it!
I think I remember getting the “Isn’t wasn’t ain’t”
hook line on McKnight Road in Pittsburgh on my
way to Kinko’s. It was a total gift from God. The
first line of the second verse was a quote from a
pastor in Pittsburgh. We threw it in, because it
fit perfectly with the sound and structure of Led
Zeppelin’s original line, “Alimony, alimony, payin’
your bills.” We originally led off the cassette with
this track (and named the entire Isn’t Wasn’t Ain’t
(in the Bible) album after it, obviously), because
we’d finished the previous cassette (Want It
Dead or Alive?) with a parody of Led Zeppelin’s
“Heartbreaker.” And, as any classic rock fan knows,
you can’t play “Heartbreaker” without following it
up with “Livin’ Lovin’ Maid (She’s Just a Woman).”
Listen the next time they play it on the radio. It’s
one of those song combos like “You’re All I’ve Got
Tonight/Bye Bye Love” by the Cars and “We Will
Rock You/We are the Champions” by Queen. Journey
has a few of those songs, too, but that isn’t wasn’t
ain’t what we’re talking about right now.
281
It’s All in God’s Control
Parody of:
“It’s Only Rock and Roll” by The Rolling Stones
Bible References:
Romans 8:28-39; Matthew 6:26-34, 10:29-31;
Luke 12:6-7, 24-32; Proverbs 13:12
J’s Journal:
I collected comic books as a kid. One of my favorite
titles was “What If?” – a comic that explored what
would happen if some notable event in the history
of a famous superhero had transpired differently.
Inevitably, it would cause a chain reaction that
dramatically (and often negatively) altered the
character’s life. It seemed to reinforce Newton’s
Third Law of Motion that for every action there is
an equal and opposite reaction. Nowadays, you’ll
often hear people say that “everything happens for
a reason.” Ultimately, that statement only works if
there is a higher power guiding everything, and you’d
better hope that it’s a benevolent higher power! As
Christians, we know that the higher power is God
and He is absolutely benevolent. “And we know that
in all things God works for the good of those who love
him, who have been called according to his purpose”
(Romans 8:28). That means that every single little
thing – whether it seems good or bad – is worked
into God’s plan. Joseph understood that way back
in Genesis 50:20 when he told his brothers, “You
intended to harm me, but God intended it for good
to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of
many lives.” As 2 Corinthians 4:17 says, “For our
light and momentary troubles are achieving for us
an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.” I was
really pleased with this parody when I first wrote it
in the mid-90’s, although I had to wait till 2010 for us
to record it. It was all in God’s control … but I like it.
If I could stick God’s plan on a chart it would fill up all of outer space
Would you realize that all things coincide that’s
What it says in Romans 8:28
Ev-ery-thin’ – fits right on in
The puzzle by design
Nothing is enough to keep me apart
From the great love of Christ – Jesus Christ
I said – I know – it’s all in God’s control – but I like it
I know – it’s all in God’s control
And I like it, like it, yes, I do
Oh, well, I like it, I like it, I like it
I said can’t you read the epistle goin’ to the Romans?
If I could pick my life all apart
Still would slide right into place
Shouldn’t we just trust – our Lord – He made us
Would it help if we explained – it’s pre-arranged
And when I get down deep in a hole
Feel likes there’s mud on my face
Should I start a-cryin’ – look at that horizon
Surely things are going to change – keep the faith
I said – I know – it’s all in God’s control – but I like it
I know – it’s all in God’s control
And I like it, like it, yes, I do
Oh, well, I like it, I like it, I like it
I said can’t you see that this whole world depends on Him?
And do ya think that you’re the only one who’s been down?
There’s better things in store you know they’re comin’ around
CHORUS
282
It’s Not Eden
Parody of:
“Superman (It’s Not Easy)” by Five for Fighting
John Ondrasik
Bible References:
Genesis 3:1-24, 1 Timothy 2:1, 1 John 1:8
J’s Journal:
Adam talks to God and the listener right after the
fall. A bittersweet song filled with remorse, yet
coupled with hope in the future. I wasn’t that
impressed with the original version of this song till
I saw the video for it while out for dinner with the
band guys and our families at the Hard Rock Cafe
in Pittsburgh. Something about that stuck with me,
and then I started getting lyrics for it, and they were
too beautiful to abandon. I really felt like God was
inspiring it. I shared them with my wife, and she loved
them. This song and “Called My Wife” are the main
reasons why the album is called “Adam Up.” Of all
the tracks on Adam Up, this song is probably the one
the band members think turned out best.
I can’t stand to lie; I got that from Eve
I just had a bite; You gave her, Lord, to me
I warned her at first; I more than explained
That’s more than some pretty fruit beside a snake
And it’s not easy to be deceived
I wish that I could hide, find a pile of leaves
Finally we’re wise, now my home I’ll never see
There may be a curse upon me like Eve
But even she will have a righteous seed
I may be just dirt, but once she conceives
Even we may have our rights redeemed
But it’s not easy to be with Eve
Told us get away, away from here, but it’s all alright
We can all be grounded tonight
I’m not angry or anything
I can’t stand to fight; I’m not mad at Eve
Men weren’t meant for pride; it clouds the things they need
I’m only a man, but still You said she’d
Be pregnant with kids tonight and that’s one way we
Know there’s a plan, so Lord we’ll yet seek
Looking for special things inside of Eve, in spite of me
In spite of me, inside of Eve, in spite of me
I’m only a man in Genesis three
I’m only a man lookin’ for a seed
I’m the only man and there’s only just Eve
And it’s not Eden
It’s not easy to leave here
283
It’s Tough (Song About Nehemiah)
Parody of:
“This Love” by Maroon 5
James B. Valentine
Bible References:
Nehemiah 1:1-4:23, 6:1-16
J’s Journal:
In this song, Nehemiah recounts how he and the rest
of the Jews fixed the Jerusalem Wall after his return
from Media-Persia, despite opposition from their
enemies, led by Sanballat and Tobias. I’ve thought
for a while that we needed to do a song about the
books of Ezra and Nehemiah. They’re a significant
portion of scripture, but most people don’t know
what they’re about. I heard a great sermon on
Nehemiah in the late 1980’s where the pastor
made us all read chapter 3 aloud together, where
it lists how everybody worked side by side, family
by family, and it lists them all and what section of
the wall each group repaired. That part was always
boring to me before that sermon, but when we read
it aloud as a congregation and envisioned what
was going on, it was really powerful. My favorite
part of the whole book is chapter 12:27-43, where
Nehemiah leads the great procession in celebration
of the completed wall. I got the Wal-Mart line and
some other significant parts of the song while I was
watching my oldest daughter’s Wednesday-night
church group spring choral presentation in late May
2003. Her grade only sang a couple of songs, and my
wife and I were in self-imposed exile, watching in the
back lobby of the church, because our two younger
daughters were being too wild and loud.
Our wall’s so high you would not recognize
But fire burned and minimized the way it sat for all my life
Kissed Persia goodbye, you see I brought a plan
To get Jerusalem strong again
The wall was where I’d start – Oh!
It’s a tough task making this wall complete
We said goodbye to dinnertime and sports
There are kids making some fun of me
And I hope those boys, Sanballat and Tobias, get bored
They tried their best to keep us occupied
Said they’d come in with their knives
It’s hard but we work side by side
Oh, kept saying stuff ‘bout me that’s just insane
Pretending I built this thing
To turn around and be the king – whatever
This wall has taken us seven weeks
Three days till I can finish up the doors
Wal-Mart did make a good wall for cheap
But I had no choice ‘cause I don’t live nearby any stores – no oh oh
I fixed this broken thing, repaired these openings
I ain’t your average Pink Floyd guy (Nehemiah, me oh my)
I can’t sing all their hits, but I know “Another Brick”
Let me sing for you ‘dause I’m Nehemiah how do you do?
Ezra has taken the scroll to read
We said goodbye to sins we tried before
Four hundred and forty-four B.C. and I have no Floyd
And I can’t play guitar like Gilmore
It’s rough just making this song funny
We had to try and then we tried some more
And I‘d like to break the monotony
We say Maroon 5 should end it at the chorus
Guess what I’m making this all up here
Read Nehemiah and Ezra right before
Work hard and pray with a fervency
But I have no voice so I so I will fade this right here for sure
284
It’s You in Me
Parody of:
“Just You ‘N’ Me” by Chicago
James Pankow
Bible References:
John 14:16-21, Colossians 1:27
J’s Journal:
This is a worship song that takes any praise I get and
redirects it toward its rightful recipient, God. If you
hear anything good in our parodies or see anything
good in me, it’s because of Jesus. Without Him, I can
do nothing (John 15:5). I owe my life to my Creator
and my eternal life to my Redeemer. I sometimes
wonder (and shudder at the thought of) where I
would be if He hadn’t stepped in all those years ago.
The Apostle Paul said that “Christ in you” is “the
hope of glory” (Colossians 1:27) and that “if Christ
is in you, then even though your body is subject to
death because of sin, the Spirit gives life because
of righteousness” (Romans 8:10). Amen to that!
My church’s worship team features a brass section
about once a month, and every time I heard them,
I’d marvel at how much they sounded like classic
Chicago, and that’s what got me started writing
this parody, which we performed and recorded live
at a church concert in August 2013. You are the Lord of my life
You are my inspiration
It’s You in me – people can see
Gave me each clever thing I ever dreamed up
Made me Your own precious child
Promised You.d never leave me
I’ve been so peaceful since You’re inside me
Come Holy Ghost – shepherd and lead me
Oh, I pray I won’t aggrieve Thee!
Open our hearts, cleanse us from sin
Every sin, every sin, every sin
Help me do right – help me do better and better
You know I want perfection
LEAD
It’s You in me – You cheer me on
People can see You love me
You told us, Lord, You loved the world
I want to go and show them Jesus
You are the Lord of my life
You are my inspiration
Saved me from everything I’ve been redeemed from
285
I’ve Got Elijah Fightin’ Baal
Parody of:
“I’ve Got a Tiger by the Tail” by Buck Owens
Harlan Howard & Buck Owens
Bible References:
1 Kings 18
I’ve got Elijah fightin’ Baal it’s plain to see
I know I ain’t much, but you-know-Who’s with me
You choose your way, but you’ll learn, and I won’t fail
And it looks like I’ve got Elijah fightin’ Baal
Well, I talked to Ahab when he was the King of the land
Said it’s time to make you understand
Bring all your false prophets up to Mt. Car(a)mel
Now it looks like I’ve got Elijah fightin’ Baal
Well, I said, Let’s have a contest to call fire from the sky
You go first, and then I’ll have a try
Well, 450 prophets cried out to no avail
Now, it looks like I’ve got Elijah fightin’ Baal
Well, they cried to Baal all day; it didn’t do them no good
I poured 12 barrels of water on the wood
And I cried out, Lord please prove today you’re God of Israel
Please prove I’m right with fire from the air
I got the fire from the air; it came for me
It burned up everything immediately
Well, 1 Kings Chapter 18 tells the tale
In the Book called the Bible – Elijah fightin’ Baal
J’s Journal:
I was always a huge fan of the story of Elijah vs.
the prophets of Baal. Karl was always a huge fan
of Buck Owens. So we gave it the “Reese’s Peanut
Butter Cup” treatment: “Hey, your 1 Kings 18 is in
my Buck Owens!” “Hey, your Buck Owens is in my
1 Kings 18!” If you didn’t get that joke, you didn’t
watch commercials in the 1970’s.
286
Jacob’s Name Is Israel
Parody of:
“Takin’ Care of Business” by Bachman-Turner
Overdrive
Randy Bachman
Bible References:
Genesis 25:26, 32:28, 35:10
J’s Journal:
This song tells the story of Jacob from birth until
the night when he got his name changed to Israel.
Although our bass player, Keith Haynie, is one of
the world’s most-devoted fans of Bachman-Turner
Overdrive, we recorded this parody over a year
before he joined us. This song is one of our mostpopular audience-participation numbers in concert.
We recorded two versions for Radical History Tour –
one with the crazy lead at the beginning and one that
sounded more like the original. We just liked the crazy
lead better. However, by 2004, we thought we could
do a much better job, so we recorded an improved
live version for New & Used Hits.
When Jacob was born he took a long time comin’
Took the ankle of his older brother
They were twins, but Jake was later
Esau was his father’s favorite
‘Cause he spent his time as a hunter
And every single time, Jacob had to wait in line
He started then to strive to get his way
He was just a little boy; he was mama’s pride and joy
He loved to work with mother all day
But now, now
Jacob’s name is Israel – What’d you say?
Jacob’s name is Israel – By the way, I said
Jacob’s name is Israel – ‘Cause he strived
Jacob’s name is Israel – The father of the tribes – All 12
You could read in Genesis how Esau burst into the kitchen
And said, “Jacob, give me some stuff to swallow!”
Jacob said, “Sell me your birthright!”
Esau said, “What is it worth right now,
I’m dyin’ of hunger; my stomach’s hollow!”
And so Esau sold his rights; Jacob later set his sights
Upon the blessing Isaac would pray
He pretended he was Esau, and his father couldn’t see so
Jacob stole the blessing and ran away
But now, now
CHORUS
Jacob’s name – now is Israel
Because he strived – overdrive
LEAD
After 20 years with Laban, well, the Lord spoke to Jacob:
“Take your family with you back to Canaan.”
Jacob knew he’d meet his brother as he travelled through the desert
He was scared, and I wouldn’t blame him
And in the night he fought with a Man we think was God
He wrestled with him to the break of day
He took Jacob’s hip and knocked it out of joint right at the socket
He blessed him, and He gave him this name
And he said
CHORUS
287
Jail Got Rocked
Parody of:
“Jailhouse Rock” by Elvis Presley
Jerry Leiber & Mike Stoller
Bible References:
Acts 16:23-34
J’s Journal:
In Acts 16, Paul and Silas drove a demon out of a
fortune-telling slave girl. They were rewarded with
a beating and a night in jail. Despite this injustice,
they sang praises to God while in prison. They were
rewarded with an earthquake that set them free.
Here’s a song about what happened to them, and
the effect it had on the jailkeeper and his family.
Warden threw Paul and Silas down in jail
The prisoners around ‘em thought their plans had failed
It started somethin’ when the boys began to sing
It shook the earth a lot and let the jailbirds spring
In the stocks – everybody was shocked
Every door in each cell was unlocked
When the Macedonian jail got rocked
Silas started praisin’ and it cracked some stone
Little do they know it was a sign of what’s to come
A rumblin’ noise it hit the boys and smashed those chains
It broke the Richter scale – it was a powerful thing
CHORUS
From the throne of Heaven came a thundering
Tore right through the jail rather effortlessly
They should’ve used a seismograph but honestly
They wanted to but it was 51 AD
CHORUS
Macedonia prison in the time of Rome
Was more like California when it all was done
The warden said, “Hey buddy, could you please explain?
Can you tell me what to do so I’ll get saved? Let’s talk!”
CHORUS
“If you just believe on the Lord Jesus Christ
Warden, you can now repent and change your life
Would you like forgiveness?” And he said, “Yes, yes!
“You gotta stick around, I’m gonna get my kids! Let’s talk!”
CHORUS
288
James 1:3
medley
Parody of:
“Take on Me” by A-ha
Tough things await
I don’t know what – I’m just sayin’
I’ll face them anyway
But James says that they refine you
Trials await – I’ll be coming through them all OK
James 1:3 – They only
Make me strong – They hone me
I’ll see God
Whenever they’re through
Magne Furuholmen, Morten Harket & Pål Waaktaar
Bible References:
James 1:3
J’s Journal:
This is the ninth of 10 songs in the “80’s Medley
(Octagon but Not Forgotten).” Like the song that
precedes it, it deals with the fact that God does great
things for us in the midst of trials, and James 1:3
says the testing of our faith produces perseverance.
The medley is a prime example of that. During the
summer of 2011, we had a number of concerts
that were cancelled, primarily because of various
mechanical problems our bus was experiencing. God
used the generosity of our fans to take care of us
through those times, and we used the unexpected
downtime to record songs for Wise Up and Rock.
During one of those impromptu recording sessions
in August, Hubie and I mapped out the medley. A
month later, we were able to record vocals for
all the songs on the medley, because a cancelled
concert (due to repairs needed on a rental vehicle)
two days earlier had left my voice in prime recording
shape. I was having problems with vocal strain
earlier in the summer, and God used all those concert
cancellations to rest and restore my voice. One of
the things that kept the original fresh in my mind
as a candidate for parody was the fact that when
my iPod would accidentally reset and start playing
all of its contents alphabetically by artist, A-ha was
always the first thing that came up! That’s another
example of God turning our trials into treasures.
289
JC’s Mom
Parody of:
“Stacy’s Mom” by Fountains of Wayne
Adam Schlesinger & Christopher Collingwood
Bible References:
Luke 2:41-52; John 1:1-14, 2:1-11
J’s Journal:
I got the idea for this one in December 2003 while
listening to one of the NOW CDs that had it and
“The Boys of Summer” by the Ataris. I was driving
on the Pennsylvania Turnpike with my two youngest
daughters at the time, Heather and Kelly. After Jesus
is presented in the temple, the Bible only recounts
one story from His childhood – the time spent in the
temple when He was 12. His first miracle occurs at
the Wedding Feast of Cana. Both of these events
happen in chapter 2 of a Gospel, Luke and John,
respectively. Both accounts have Him saying rather
surprising things to His mother. They fit nicely
into the theme of the song, Jesus growing up as
His mother watches in amazement. Although this
is one of our most popular parodies and has gotten
phenomenal response, we’ve had a couple of people
ask us if we thought it was disrespectful to refer to
Jesus as “J.C.” I think that’s a matter of conscience.
I believed that God gave me the idea for the song,
but I did think about that and prayerfully considered
it when I wrote the song. Obviously, we believe that
Jesus Christ is King of Kings and Lord of Lords and
worthy of all respect. Other famous world leaders
have been referred to by their initials (e.g. FDR,
JFK). Jesus has also been referred to in pop culture
as J.C. in a number of famous musical things,
including Jesus Christ Superstar, Larry Norman’s
Upon This Rock (recognized as the first Christian
rock album), and I believe in some Christian rap.
JC’s mom has got a growin’ son, JC’s mom has got a growin’ son
JC caused a commotion in chapter 2 (that’s in Luke)
When He did hang around at the tem-ple (way past curfew)
Did His mom get mad? Probably bit her lip (then she said)
“Jesus, dear, oh, are you trying to worry us sick?” (He’s just a kid)
You know, He’s not the little boy that He used to be
Her son’s growin’ up now wait and then you’ll see
JC’s mom has got a growin’ son
His bar mitzvah will here before too long
JC’s not 13, but He’ll save the world for me
I know He might be young but time will come when JC’s grown
JC’s crew would attend a wedding later on (that’s in John)
His mom came out and said, “The wine is all gone” (Now what, Son)
“Why you’d tell Me like that, Mother,” JC stared (waiting there)
“Anyway,” He said, “you know I’m not quite prepared (it’s not over yet)
And I know that the drinking guests were panicky
But JC had some fountains of wine moved to Galilee
JC’s mom has got a growing son
Made wine from water at Cana but hold on
Grape juice or Chablis that’s just not the point for me
I know it won’t be long till time is up and JC’s grown
JC’s mom had God’s begotten Son
The promised One that we’ve waited for so long
Take a look and read John 1:1 through verse 14
I know it won’t be long till time is up and JC’s grown, oh oh
JC’s grown, oh oh, JC’s grown, oh oh
JC’s deity; He’s just not yet 33
I know it won’t be long till time is up and JC’s grown
290
Jehovah
Parody of:
“The Joker” by Steve Miller
Steve Miller
Bible References:
Isaiah 9:6; John 1:1, 1:18, 8:24, 10:33, 20:28;
Acts 20:28; Philippians 2:6; Colossians 1:15, 2:9;
Romans 9:5; 1 Timothy 3:16; Hebrews 1:8; Titus
2:13; 2 Peter 1:1
J’s Journal:
Jesus wasn’t worried about what people thought
of Him, but He WAS interested in who people said
He was. As Matthew 16:13-20 explains, people had
many different theories as to His identity: Some
thought He was John the Baptist, others said Elijah,
and still others guessed He was Jeremiah or one of
the other prophets. But Jesus said He was (and still
is) God. We’ve tackled the topic of the deity of Christ
in previous songs, but this song features 16 of the
most notable New Testament references (although
there are others). Like many of our parodies, I got
the idea for this one while mowing the lawn. I didn’t
set out to spoof it, but the chorus just came to me.
The “I’m a preacher, a born-againer” part stemmed
from some friendly (believe it or not) debates I had
with some Jehovah’s Witnesses many years ago.
I found out that just as we referred to them as
“JW’s” when they weren’t around, they referred
to us as “born-againers.” We both had a chuckle
about that. This song was written with Jehovah’s
Witnesses in mind, but it applies to anybody. The
beginning is slightly reminiscent of the old Larry
Norman song, “The Outlaw,” which is one of
my favorite Christian rock songs.
Some people call Him a spaced-out poet, yeah
Some call Him an angel above
Some people from the Far East
Say they think he’s a prophet who taught love
People talk about my Savior
That’s why I’m doin’ this song provin’ He’s God
Well, don’t you worry, baby, don’t worry
Cause the Bible right here decides who’s right and who’s wrong
‘Cause I’m a preacher, a born-againer
A Bible lover yet I’m a sinner
I play my music for the Son
He’s Jehovah, gonna show ya
Though you may not know yet
Look it up in John 1:1, oooh, oooh
Titus 2:13 and John 10:33
And read along in Hebrews 1 verse 8 you’ll see
And Philippians 2:6 and then Colossians 2:9
And Isaiah 9:6, Romans 9:5
‘Cause I’m a preacher, a born-againer
A Bible lover yet I’m a sinner
I play my music for the Son
He’s Jehovah, gonna show ya
Though you may not know yet
Second Peter verse 1:1
Read in the Acts of the Apostles, baby
And the Gospel of John
‘Cause chapter 20, verse 28, both verses, mama
Tells us Christ is our God
Go to 3:16 First Timothy and see
And read First John 5:20 ‘n’ Colossians 1:15
John 8:24, there’s plenty more, we’re running out of time
John 1:18, now I showed you He’s divine.
291
Jephthah You Needed
Parody of:
“Just What I Needed” by The Cars
Ric Ocasek
Bible References:
Judges 11:1-12:7
J’s Journal:
When we mention the book of Judges, you might
think of Gideon or Samson, but don’t just stop there.
Jephthah gets two chapters and is also commended
in Hebrews 11 for his faith, which helped drive
Israel on to victory against the Ammonites. Let’s
go to Judges 11 and 12 and see what all the fuss
was about. I actually took a shot at a parody of
“Just When I Needed” way back in 1992. The
chorus line was “My grandson Jesse had David,”
and it was written from Boaz’s perspective. I was
totally unimpressed with it, and you probably would
have been, too. But in 2010, I got the idea for
“Jephthah You Needed.” Now THAT was something
I could sink my teeth into. It was a good rhyme,
and Jephthah played a significant (albeit ultimately
tragic) role in the book of Judges. I had the title and
the first few lines, but that’s all I could do for the
following five years. I eventually finished the lyrics
and we recorded this song in November 2015,
releasing it as a single on December 20. Ironically,
we finally did produce and release a song from
Boaz’s perspective, “Keep on Loving Ruth,” just
two months before that! I wasn’t looking forward
to discussing what happened with Jephthah’s
daughter, and it’s really a separate part of the story,
so I just alluded to it with these lines: “It’s not the
perfect chapter there – read Judges 11 if you dare.”
Why oh why you comin’ here?
You hate me and my kind
But when those Ammonites drew near
You kind of changed your mind
We’re not the perfect matching pair
But I’ll lead Israel if you’re scared
And I don’t mind you comin’ here
I’ll face the Ammonites
I don’t mind your hatred now
I’ll stop ‘em and you’ll see
It doesn’t matter, when you win,
If someone is a creep, yeah
You want me to lead, very well, then
Don’t look askance at me, I can tell
And I won’t bother braggin’ now
‘Cause God gives victory
I guess it’s Jephthah you needed (Jephthah you needed)
You needed someone to lead
You needed someone like me
I don’t like to comandeer
And take stuff that’s not my right
But let me state this oh so clear
I seldom lose a fight, yeah
It’s not the perfect chapter there
Read Judges 11 if you dare
But I don’t like to comandeer
And take up all your time
Hey, yeah – so heed me
It’s Jephthah you needed
It’s Jephthah you needed
(Hey) It’s Jephthah you needed
Yeah-eh, yeah yeah
292
Jericho
Parody of:
“Vertigo” by U2
U2
Bible References:
Luke 19:1-9
J’s Journal:
Although the name Jericho evokes images of
Joshua, this song’s about a guy who was really up
a tree – Zaccheus, a tax collector too short to see
Jesus through the crowds when the Lord came to
the town of Jericho, so he put aside his pride and
climbed up onto the edge of a sycamore branch for
a better view. Most people, including Zaccheus (and
maybe you, too, had you lived back then) thought
Jesus wouldn’t want anything to do with a bad tax
collector, but the Lord works in mysterious ways;
Jesus looked up and saw Zaccheus and knew his
heart’s desire, so He called him down by name and
invited Himself over to Zaccheus’ house for dinner,
leaving one repentant sinner dizzy with delight and
many unrepentant Pharisees scratching their heads.
Usually we shy away from doing spoofs of songs by
groups that have Christian overtones. I knew of the
song, and the line “I’m at a place called Jericho” just
came to me one day. The very next day, Karl said to
me, “Hey, ‘Vertigo’ by U2 just won a Grammy. We
ought to do something with that song.” I took that as
a confirmation, but I didn’t really want to do another
song about Joshua. Then I thought about how the
story of Zaccheus takes place in Jericho, too. We’d
done a song called “Hey Zaccheus” in our early
days, but I thought we’d take another look at the
story from Zaccheus’ perspective. Special thanks to
Vann Lantz, Greg Savitt, and Lisa Duncan for their
help with the Hebrew counting at the beginning.
Achat, shtayim
Achat, shtayim, shalosh, arba
Christ’s in town, the Lord
The trouble is my head, can’t see, I’m short
And Jericho is thronged and jammed
I thought I’d climb so high and then I saw
The Man they sought for signs and wonders
Shalom, shalom
I’m at a place called Jericho
My name’s Zacchaeus if you didn’t know
And the view’s really something from this tree, tree
My life is cruel and cold
I’ve always been a guy who clings to gold
I think of all the times I’ve robbed and stole
I need a second chance – can He save souls?
I’m a man who cheats on taxes he collects
So I guess I’ve failed – then Jesus cranes His neck
Sayin’ to me, “You there!” Maybe He can use me
Shalom, shalom
He said, Zacchaeus, let’s get dinner, bro
But first you need to come down from the tree, tree
Yeah, yeah, yeah! Here we go! Jump in!
All my debts I will now restore
Half of this, I give to the poor
All the rest I give to the Lord
Forgiveness is what I want – I know what’s it’s worth
Shalom, shalom
Christ’s in town, and all I know is the Dude’s really something
I can feel His love reaching me now
Read Luke 19 you’ll see how
Cause He’s real! Real!
293
Jesse’s Boy
Parody of:
“Jessie’s Girl” by Rick Springfield
Rick Springfield
Bible References:
1 Samuel 13:11-14, 16:1-13
J’s Journal:
I got a good portion of the lyrics for this one back
in late 1999. I liked the concept and the lyrics, but
I despised the title (it didn’t rhyme with the original
and sounded weird to me) and tried to find any way I
could change it. When we finally started playing this
one live a dozen years later, I’d tell the audience the
story of how David came from humble beginnings
to become the king of Israel, and as soon as I’d
say, “he started simply as Jesse’s boy” and Tinch
would play the opening notes, people would crack
up. And they still do. The moral of this Bible story is
summed up in God’s words to Samuel after rejecting
David’s oldest brother (and before rejecting all of
David’s many other older brothers) as the next king:
“The Lord does not look at the things people look
at. People look at the outward appearance, but the
Lord looks at the heart” (1 Samuel 16:6). That’s a
lesson that the world and the church still has trouble
learning. David was the youngest of his brothers –
so insignificant that his dad didn’t even think to call
him in from the field where he was tending flocks
when the prophet first arrived – but he was a
man after God’s own heart (1 Samuel 13:14, Acts
13:22), and that’s all that mattered. Jesse’s boy
went on to become the only man mentioned by name
in the Bible more than 1000 times.
Jesse is afraid
Yet I know God’s got a good plan in mind
‘Cause lately Saul’s been changed
He ain’t hardly divine
Jesse’s got him several sons, and there’s one who’s next in line
And he’ll watch over the Israelites
And he’ll love the Lord his God, yeah, I just know it
And he’s holier in his heart and prays late at night
You know, where did that child of Jesse’s go?
Where did that child of Jesse’s go?
Where can I find a ruler like that?
Displayed them all like a parade
There doesn’t seem to be a king in the place
You know I feel so certain he’s not part of this group
They run and tell their younger brother
But the boy is just a youth
And he’ll watch over the Israelites
And he’ll love the Lord his God, yeah, I just know it
And he’s holier in his heart and prays late at night
I wish to find and bless him so
Where can I find a ruler like that
I guess he’s slow
Where did that child of Jesse’s go?
Where can I find a ruler
When you look at appearance all the time
There’s some stuff you won’t see skin deep
God is funny He isn’t fooled by the size
And that’s the way I’m supposed to be
Tell me, where can I find a ruler like that?
LEAD
I wanna bless him so
I guess you know
I want, I wanna bless him so
294
Jesus (Sermon on the Mount)
Parody of:
“Venus” by Shocking Blue
Robbie van Leeuwen
He taught us on a mountain top
A sermon that was clear and plain
A sermon on duty and love
And Jesus was His name
He taught it!
Yeah, baby, we caught it!
Well, come to Jesus
And you’ll find out
He’s your messiah!
His lessons had us mesmerized
Amazin’ every man He met
That was because my Jesus
Taught like no-one else had
Wow!
CHORUS
Bible References:
Matthew 5-7
J’s Journal:
The Sermon on the Mount is recorded in Matthew
5-7. Jesus covers a lot of ground in those chapters.
It really blew my mind the first time I read it.
Revolutionary stuff. At the very end of that passage,
it says: “When Jesus had finished saying these
things, the crowds were amazed at his teaching,
because he taught as one who had authority, and
not as their teachers of the law” (Matthew 7:2829). The teachers in Jesus’ day would cite the
opinions of teachers who had gone before them as
their authority. Not so with Jesus. He didn’t have
to consider anybody else’s opinion on the Word of
God, because He was the Word of God. This parody
originally appeared, in a rougher form, on our Want It
Dead or Alive? homemade cassette back in late 1992.
295
Jesus and Moses
The testament you read divides in two
One thing that’s old and one that’s rather new
One book in two divided law from grace
But that don’t mean that either’s out of place
Parody of:
“Heat of the Moment” by Asia
Do you remember in the wilderness
The Israelites heard Moses tell them this
One day another Prophet He will come
And we would see that that was God’s own Son
Geoff Downes & John Wetton
It was just Jesus and Moses
Tellin’ you what the Lord meant
Jesus and Moses
Showed you the light (ahhhhh)
Bible References:
Luke 16:31; Hebrews 3:1-6; John 1:17, 1:21,
5:46; Acts 3:22-26, 7:37; Deuteronomy 18:18-19,
34:10-12
J’s Journal:
In Deuteronomy 18:15, Moses said, “The Lord your
God will raise up for you a prophet like me from
among you, from your fellow Israelites. You must
listen to him.” But in verse 34:10 it says, “Since
then, no prophet has risen in Israel like Moses,” even
though Joshua had become Israel’s next leader, and
he and Caleb were the sole survivors of the Exodus
among the adult Israelites. If not Joshua, then who?
Only time would tell. The Jews were still looking
1400 years later and asked John the Baptist if he
was “the Prophet.” He said no (John 1:21). But don’t
cry; the Prophet finally came. In Acts 3:21-23, Peter
affirms that Jesus was that Prophet, and He would
exceed the wildest dreams of those who received
Him. We originally recorded drums and bass for this
Asia parody in 2007 (I think I wrote it several years
before that), but the tracks were lost. When we
finally recorded it in 2014, Wayne Bartley played
guitar and Tom Milnes played bass and sang backing
vocals. We released this in mid-January 2015 along
with the song “Stone Him Rough,” a Journey parody,
so we called the single Journey to Asia. Of course,
although most people think of Israel as part of the
Middle East, it’s also part of Asia, so the stories in
both of the songs on that single take place there.
And now you find in Acts 3:22
That this old prophet’s word from God came true
You can discern yourself Who’s King of Kings
Look back to Deuteronomy 18
God sent us Jesus and Moses
Jesus and Moses
Jesus and Moses
Showed you the light (ahhhhh ah ah ah ah ah)
And when you look for God be sure you know
How many times He said Messiah would come
When Moses said a Prophet like himself
He made (a) prediction you’ll remember well
Yes, it was Jesus and Moses
In the New and Old Test’ment
Jesus and Moses
Showed you the light
Yes, it was Jesus and Moses
Jesus and Moses
Jesus and Moses
Showed you the light (ahhhhh ah ah ah ah ah)
Jesus and Moses
Jesus and Moses
Jesus and Moses
Jesus and Moses
Jesus and Moses
Jesus and Moses
296
Jezebel
Hey, I just painted up my eyes
And my clothes – are a little big in size
Don’t you think I need elastic stretch waist bands
My husband’s forcing me to wear the pants
Parody of:
“Just a Girl” by No Doubt
Gwen Stefani & Tom Dumont
Bible References:
1 Kings 16:31, 18:13, 19:1-2, 21:1-25; 2 Kings
9:30-37
J’s Journal:
Released in mid-April 2014, this was the first
ApologetiX song ever to feature only female vocals
– a dose of ApologetiX: The Next Generation, with
my oldest daughter, Janna, singing, and former APX
drummer Bill “Moose” Rieger’s son, Jake, playing
bass. It was also the first song we ever released
with Wayne Bartley on lead guitar, although there
have been many since. After hearing what Janna,
Jake, and Wayne brought to the table, there was
no doubt that we wanted to use them again! Yes,
we’d talked about Jezebel before in the song “None
Too Ladylike,” but these lyrics came straight from
the sorceress’ mouth! I actually wrote the lyrics
to “Jezebel” in the winter of 1996-97, almost 10
years before we released “None Too Ladylike,” and
shortly after Janna was born. I never dreamed she’d
grow up to be the one who’d sing it. She did a great
job, although it’s still kind of creepy for me as a dad
to hear my daughter singing, “I’m Jezebel …” Janna
had just played the Wicked Witch of the West in her
school’s production of “The Wizard of Oz” the year
before, so it wasn’t too much of a stretch for her
to do Jezebel, even though she’s much more of the
Dorothy type in real life. And I praise God for that!
‘Cause I’m Jezebel – I’m Israel’s king
So don’t tell me that I’m his wife
Yes I’m Jezebel – I’m the one who really pulls the strings
So don’t tell me ‘bout equal rights
Oh ... I’m happy enough right here
The moment that I came from Sidon
So many Hebrews have had to run and hide
Can’t do religious things that they hold so dear
It’s not the little king that they fear
It’s I – Jezebel – I’m rather nasty
If they want to survive, they comply
Oh, I’m Jezebel, and the prophets won’t preach
‘Cause I put them to death when they try
Yes I’m Jezebel – throw the Good Book at me
For unbiblical brutal crimes
Oh ... they have a lot to fear
LEAD
Oh ... I can make it myself, dear
Someone just rebelled
I just-a fell – hear me yell
There’s not much that’s left of me
Oh, I’m Jezebel – there has been a conspiracy
I took a plunge and I heard a crunch
Oh, I’m Jezebel, where’s the rest of me?
Well, I’ve a hunch dogs just ate me for lunch
Oh, I’m Jezebel – my skull’s all I see
Elijah’s won – it’s over and done
Oh, I’m Jezebel – woe is me
My evil’s done – it’s no fun – perishin’*
Oh – I’ve had it, I’m through
Oh – It’s sad but quite true
Oh – I have a lot to fear
*NOTE: In this verse, the word “perishin’” should be pronouced as “per-i-SHUN,” so
it rhymes with “ones” and “fun.”
297
John 1:1
Parody of:
“Fun, Fun, Fun” by The Beach Boys
Mike Love & Brian Wilson
Bible References:
John 1:1
Well, it’s not a very hard thing to prove so I can’t understand now
Seems they forgot all about when Christ very nicely told them “I AM,” now
But here’s a way we know that the Lord Jesus wasn’t just a good man now
You’ll see that John 1:1 tells us God is really Jesus the Word
You know the verse says the Word was with God in the very first place now
(You watch what it says now, you watch what it says)
Its says that in the beginning the Word was God – it’s there in your face now
(You look up the place now, you look up the place)
A lot of guys might not catch it yet but Jesus was the Word made flesh now
(The Bible explains now, the Bible explains)
You see that John 1:1 tells us God is really Jesus the Word
LEAD
Well, you knew all along but you had to get some Bible proof now
(The proof is supplied now, the proof is supplied)
And if you look yourself you’ll see that the things we talked about are all true
(We wouldn’t have lied now, we wouldn’t have lied)
The truth is John 1:1 says Jesus is God and not a big guru now
(Yeshua’s divine now, Yeshua’s divine)
You see that John 1:1 tells us God is really Jesus the Word
REPEAT
J’s Journal:
John 1:1 says the following: “In the beginning was
the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word
was God.” John 1:14 leaves no doubt as to who the
Word was, when it says, “The Word became flesh
and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his
glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from
the Father, full of grace and truth.” Jesus was the
Word. I wasn’t the best student in algebra class,
but I do remember that if A equals B and B equals
C, then A equals C. Consequently, if Jesus was
the Word, and the Word was God, then Jesus was
God. And He still is. The Jehovah’s Witnesses New
World Translation will try to tell you that “The Word
was a god.” Don’t buy it. All the reputable Greek
scholars and reputable Bible translations agree:
the Word was God, not “a god.”
298
Jonah Jonah
Parody of:
“Mony Mony” by Tommy James & the Shondells
Bobby Bloom, Ritchie Cordell, Bo Gentry & Tommy
James
Bible References:
Jonah 1-3; Nahum 1:1-3, 1:9
J’s Journal:
Your typical “boy meets whale” story. This was one
of the first parodies I ever wrote, and we recorded
a version of it on our very first homemade cassette
in June 1992, a live recording called Get Your Wigs.
I souped up the lyrics later, though. My daughters
have asked me if there was a sequel to the book of
Jonah. Unfortunately, you’ll find that in the book of
Nahum. Ninevah’s repentance only lasted for so long.
Fishy come ‘round and ate ya Jonah, Jonah
Cause you was bound out of town far from home yeah
Had you in his stomach for three long nights now
Because-a God said go to Ninevah
But you didn’t, huh?
I said yeah! (Yeah!) Yeah! (Yeah!)
Yeah! (Yeah!) Yeah! (Yeah!) Yeah! (Yeah!)
You makin’ things (Jonah, Jonah)
So (Jonah, Jonah) hard (Jonah, Jonah)
Yeah heh heah (Jonah, Jonah) so hard (Jonah, Jonah)
So hard (Jonah, Jonah) so hard (Jonah, Jonah)
So hard (Jonah, Jonah)
Prayed please save me Jonah, Jonah
God’s gonna get it done – hold on Jonah
Whale’s not lookin’ like he feels so good, yeah
Well, don’t look now but he’s gonna vomit
Hold on Jonah – I said
Bleah! (Bleah!) Bleah! (Bleah!) Bleah! (Bleah!)
Bleah! (Bleah!) Bleah! (Bleah!)
You made the whale (Jonah, Jonah)
Throw (Jonah, Jonah) up (Jonah, Jonah)
Yeah, yeah, yeah (Jonah, Jonah) he threw up (Jonah, Jonah)
Threw up (Jonah, Jonah) threw up (Jonah, Jonah)
Threw up (Jonah, Jonah)
Ooh you was too boney, bo-bo-boney
Ooh that’s what he told me, tol-tol-told me
Tasted like spumoni, mo-mo-moni
Mixed with macaroni, ro-ro-roni
299
Judge
Parody of:
“Jump” by Van Halen
Michael Anthony, David Lee Roth, Alex Van Halen
& Eddie Van Halen
Bible References:
Matthew 7:1-3; Romans 3:10, 3:23, 14:10;
Proverbs 20:9
I mess up – and someone puts me down
It’s kind a tough – with all you judges around
And I know, baby, just why you sneer
You got to pro-o-ove to your conscience you ain’t the worst here
Can’t you see the speck in your eye’s not exactly just a speck it’s a beam
I think you’re worse than you seem
I think you seem kind of mean
Nah! Might as well judge (Judge!) Might as well judge!
Go ahead, judge! (Judge!) Go ahead, judge!
Oh oh! Hey, who can say that
They may have no sin
You say you don’t know – you won’t go – to Romans 3:10
Can’t you see the standard here I got from Matthew 7:1, 2 and 3
I think it’s mercy we need
We can’t just be Pharisees
Nah! Might as well judge (Judge!) Go ahead, judge!
Might as well judge (Judge!) Go ahead, judge!
LEAD
Might as well judge (Judge!) Go ahead, judge!
Forget it and judge (Judge!) Go ahead, judge!
J’s Journal:
When I started this parody in 1992, it was about
the epistle to Titus. I got the new idea for “Judge”
in 1999 or 2000 and wrote new lyrics, but they
still weren’t quite right. When Todd Waites joined
us on keyboards in 2011, I knew “Jump” was a
song he already played well, so I dug “Judge” out
of the drawer and spruced it up. It was impressive
watching Todd play it live, since he played it all with
his left hand, having lost his right arm to cancer as a
young teen. How ironic. Think of how many people
would be tempted to judge Todd’s abilities based on
appearances, never dreaming the incredible things
he is capable of. Of course, this song isn’t just about
judging based on appearances; it’s also about judging
other people for their sins when we have similar sins
in our own lives. A lot of people misapply Jesus’s
words in Matthew 7:1, “Do not judge, or you too
will be judged.” They think that means we should
never make judgments on anybody’s behavior. In
context, Jesus is telling His disciples to get their
own lives in order before they judge somebody else.
Four verses later, in Matthew 7:5, he says, “You
hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own
eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the
speck from your brother’s eye.” Elsewhere, in John
7:24, he says, “Stop judging by mere appearances,
but instead judge correctly.” So, there is a proper
time and place for judging, if it is done with
a right heart and right intentions. 300
Parody of:
“Jumpin’ Jack Flash” by The Rolling Stones
Bible References:
Hebrews 9:27, Romans 6:23, Ecclesiastes 12:7
Well, you’re born and you just got one chance
Use it now, ‘cause you won’t be back again
Well, we all die once – but what’s after that?
Well, we all rise
The judgment gets passed and you can’t come back
Well, now Hebrews 9:27 says
That there’s one time to die for every man
Well, we all rise
Wait around ‘til your time’s up and then you’re dead
Are you countin’ on bein’ reincarnated?
Are you found in the Lamb’s Book of Life, my friend?
Will you frown on the White Throne Judgment Day?
Well, we all rise
Judgment gets passed, you can’t come back
J’s Journal:
The Bible teaches against any concept of
reincarnation. As it says in Hebrews 9:27, “man is
destined to die once, and after that to face judgment.”
A relative of mine in junior high came to me and
asked what the Bible taught about reincarnation,
because he was trying to minister to a classmate,
and that’s how this parody got started.
301
Parody of:
“Jumpin’ Jack Flash” by The Rolling Stones
Bible References:
Hebrews 9:27, Romans 6:23, Ecclesiastes 12:7
I was born – with no past lives, here I came
And I doubt that there’s more if I die in vain
But we all die once – and that’s just a fact
Then we all rise
I’m amazed but the truth is gettin’ hacked
By the fools who say man dies and comes right back
But we all die once – and that’s just a fact
Then we all rise
Wait around ‘til your time’s up and then you’re dead
Are you countin’ on bein’ reincarnated?
Will you frown as your crumble to dust, my friend
Write this down – Hebrews 9 verse 27
Yes it says
That we all die once – and that’s just a fact
Then we all rise
J’s Journal:
This song got reincarnated from its 1994 Radical
History Tour version to reappear on The Boys Aren’t
Backin’ Down in 2009. Nah, we don’t believe in
reincarnation – and neither does the Bible – but we
did pass judgment on our 1994 attempt and say it
needed an overhaul. The theme and the title remain
the same, but most of the words are very different.
302
Keep on Loving Ruth
You should have seen a Bible book with my wife’s name-y
There was something written
She could have been known as a Moabite boy’s lady
But she switched religions
And the place we met I can never forget
A stretch of land Salmon my dad had stored up for his son
Parody of:
“Keep on Loving You” by REO Speedwagon
Kevin Cronin
Bible References:
The Book of Ruth
And though I know I’m a much older man
Still that don’t offend her
‘Cause she was once married way before then
And she’s still so tender
Ruth and I met after her guy was dead
When she said that she’d follow and stand by his mother forever
And I’m gonna keep on lovin’ Ruth
‘Cause she’s Naomi’s single daughter, too
I don’t wanna reap
I just wanna keep on lovin’ Ruth
LEAD
And I said, that’s the girl I’ll wed
When she said, man, I’d love you to stand as my kinsman redeemer
J’s Journal:
Every now and then, it’s nice to read a good love
story. Love took its sweet time finding Boaz, but
wheels were turning behind the scenes. All heaven
broke loose when he met Ruth, a girl with a heart of
gold, moving to Israel from Moab. They’d both find
love in the future. So always be prepared for God – in
season and out of season. When our old keyboardist
Todd Waites toured with us from 2011-2013, he
used to love to play the closing piano sequence of
“Keep on Loving You” at the end of other songs
to amuse me. So in June 2015 I decided to write
a parody of that song and bring him back to play
it. When I got the idea for “Keep on Loving Ruth,”
I wasn’t too keen on the title, but the lyrics that
followed had real potential, and I couldn’t fight the
feeling anymore. I knew we’d done the story of Ruth
before in 1997 with “Naomi Gonna Be with Ruth,”
but that was from the perspective of Ruth’s motherin-law, Naomi. This one told the story through the
eyes of Ruth’s husband, Boaz. You gotta love a guy
whose father’s name was Salmon. There’s something
fishy about that. By the way, did you ever notice
the name of Boaz’s mother? According to Matthew
1:5, it was Rahab, the prostitute who helped the
Israelite spies in Joshua 2 and was spared when the
Israel conquered Jericho in Joshua 6. That might
explain why Boaz was so open to marrying Ruth,
a former foreigner from a pagan land like his mama.
And I’m gonna keep on lovin’ Ruth
‘Cause it’s a Boaz thing; it’s what I do
I am not a creep
I just wanna keep on lovin’ Ruth (ooh ooh)
Baby, I’m gonna keep on lovin’ Ruth
‘Cause little Obed needs his father, too
I know talk is cheap (I … know talk is cheap)
I’m just gonna keep on lovin’ Ruth ooh ooh ooh ooh
303
Keep Your Arms Steady
Parody of:
“Detroit Rock City” by Kiss
Paul Stanley & Bob Ezrin
Bible References:
Exodus 17:8-15
J’s Journal:
I got the idea for this one in the second half of the
1990’s, but all I had was the “Hands up, hands
down” part and maybe another couple lines. I
knew it would be about the Israel’s battle with the
Amalekites and how the Israelites would be winning
whenever Moses’ hands were up in the air, but I
didn’t even have the title. I considered a couple,
including “Rejoice, God’s Winning,” but I’m glad I
held out for “Keep Your Arms Steady.” The original
was one of my favorite KISS songs. I think this story
in Exodus 17 is a great real-life example of how we
are able to win battles when we keep our arms lifted
to the Lord. Just as Moses needed Aaron and Hur
to help keep his hands lifted, we sometimes need
others to come along side and help us when we are
facing battles in this life. I love the fact that there’s a
him named Hur – like “A Boy Named Sue.”
The Israelites got a battle to fight
Fightin. for God, facing those Amalekites
I use God’s rod, and He pulls us through
Cause our God tells me what I got to do
My God said
Get up on the mountain, Moses, move your feet
Get help – Aaron and Hur – you’re gonna need their strength
You gotta lift ‘em high and keep your arms steady
Hands up, Israelites have got the victory
Hands down, Israelites are gonna meet defeat
Rephidim’s great – it just ain’t safe
I hit a rock and the Lord provided H20
First we drank, then our foes
Started to come, and I climbed the mountain with my bros
Hands down, General Joshua go lead them please
They moved in fast, now it’s time to fight
Just us three on the hill as we watch below
And things look good, but I’m growin’ tired
I hope I’m strong; they have got a ways to go
Because
Hands down, Aaron, Hur, you gotta lift up me
You gotta lift ‘em high and keep your arms steady
Elbows propped I’m on a rock
Hands above my head, I’d like some Arrid Extra Dry
Through my God the tide has turned
I drop my staff ‘cause I know we won the fight
Why
Hands down
Hands up, Exodus in chapter 17
Hands down
304
Keep Your Ham to Yourself
Parody of:
“Keep Your Hands to Yourself” by The Georgia
Satellites
Dan Baird
Bible References:
Leviticus 11; Mark 7:18-20; Colossians 2:16-17;
Acts 10:9-16, 15:20, 15:28-29; 1 Timothy 4:3-5;
Hebrews 13:9
J’s Journal:
Sometimes all it takes for us to be tempted to do
something is for an authority figure to tell us we’re
not allowed. This is actually a song about what we
are allowed to do as Christians, but the way it came
about is another story. When we were considering
songs to spoof for Wise Up and Rock, Hubie forbade
me to do “Keep Your Hands to Yourself,” because he
was so sick of playing it in cover bands years ago. I
didn’t care if we ever spoofed it, because I’d sung it
in a cover band myself when it was a hit. But shortly
thereafter, the other guys in the band (who hadn’t
heard that conversation) started jamming on that
song at a soundcheck. They sounded good, and the
next thing you know, I got the title and chorus, and
it didn’t take long for the first few lines to follow. I
knew we had a winner, so I went into it whole hog. I
was confident that once Hubie heard the lyrics, he’d
agree, and he did. Pigs and pork products provide
fertile fodder for funniness! As I was nearing the
end of this parody, I was looking for a way to resolve
the dialogue between the singer and his lady friend.
Finally, I realized that it didn’t need to be resolved.
Romans 14:3 says, “The one who eats everything
must not treat with contempt the one who does
not, and the one who does not eat everything
must not judge the one who does, for God has
accepted them,” so that seemed like a good place
to leave it. I figured we put enough scripture verses
in there to help people make up their own minds.
I got a little pigs in a blanket, gonna bring a ring of links
Of some sausage ‘n’ tenderloin bacon, green ham and eggs
Or eat some pork chops, how ‘bout some plain old ribs
Always, no hoggy, no piggy, you still obey Leviticus
My honey, my baby, don’t put my lunch upon no shelf
She said, don’t hand me no swine and keep your ham to yourself
Bacon, baby, bacon
Why you wanna treat meat this way
You know, it’s still my supper choice
I still feel it tastes great
That’s when she told me the pure meats
Are poultry, fish, sheep, and cows
And said, no hoggy, no piggy, or food you get from any sow
My honey, my baby, don’t put my lunch upon no shelf
You know I started to feel bad
And I was about to give in
That’s when I started thinking about the New Covenant
That part that talks about dinner
I said, Honey, Acts 10:15 would suggest that I’m right
Please check Colossians 2:16, Mark 7:19, don’t fight
And what about Romans verse 14:3 if nothing else
305
Kick in the Wall
Parody of:
“Another Brick in the Wall Pt. 2” by Pink Floyd
We don’t need no ammunition
Victory’s in God’s control
The dark side cannot win the battle
We believe in Him alone
Praise beats ya – even Jericho!
All in all let’s just say
God will kick in the wall
All in all we’ll just pray
God will kick in the wall
REPEAT VERSE
REPEAT CHORUS
Roger Waters
Bible References:
Joshua 6, Nahum 1:9
J’s Journal:
This song takes the familiar story of the fall of the
wall of Jericho (from Joshua 6) and turns it into a
worship song. We thought it only appropriate that
we should place this song directly after the song
about the spies who checked out Jericho. A slightly
different version of this parody (same theme,
same title) appeared on our first studio-recorded
homemade cassette, Parable Guy, in the fall of
1992. It’s interesting that although the Israelites
had warriors, it was God who caused the wall to fall
down. The Bible says “The weapons we fight with
are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary,
they have divine power to demolish strongholds.”
That’s 2 Corinthians 10:4, good buddy.
306
Kosmik
Parody of:
“Kashmir” by Led Zeppelin
Jimmy Page, Robert Plant & John Bonham
Bible References:
Joshua 10
J’s Journal:
I wrote a parody of this song with the same title
back in the mid-90’s about a totally different topic,
but I didn’t feel like it was saying anything that
made it stand out. So, when it was selected for
the Chosen Ones live recording session in 2007, I
decided to start from scratch and do the story of the
day God made the sun stand still for Joshua and the
Israelites. I didn’t have a long time to put the lyrics
together, but God came through, as always. I think
I remember working on the early stages of the new
lyrics while walking around the day we were going to
play in Oklahoma City. Some of the guys in the band
might argue that just as that day with Joshua went
on much longer than usual, this song seemed to go on
much longer than necessary when we played it live.
Don’t let the sun go down upon this place
Let stars be still, I plead
You are the Master of both time and space
And the Israelites I lead
You sent great boulders on our enemies
You hurled the hail and sleet
On top of them and made them simple graves
Upon the battlefield
Our foes are strong and tall and filled with hate
With swords of death and spears
But not of warriors am I afraid
The LORD’s the One I fear
Whoa-hoh, whoa-wah-oh
Oooooooooooooooooooh
Today the time’s been flyin’
Ohhhhhhhhh, yeah
Somehow the sun still is shinin’
Oh!
Ooooooooooh yeah, while we’re fightin’
My-my God, He holds the night in, holds the night in
Oh!
All I see from the ground
Is the sun burning down
Amorites fill this land
As they beg this day to end
Tryin’ to fight with God almighty, their worst fear
The five kings of those foreign heathen states
Who caused this violent scene
They seek the blackness of the moonlight’s shade
To help with their retreat
I thank the LORD who made the sun and moon
The world that turns with them
He makes the dusk that cloaks as bright as noon
When movin’ to catch men
Oh, Joshua your forces will not fail
Be strong and feel no fear
Your opposition they cannot prevail
The LORD your Strength is near
Whoa-oh, whoa-oh
Whoa-oh, oh
Ohhhh
Oh, what a God, what an awesome day, yeah
Why does He, even listen when we pray
Ooh, yeah-yeah, ooh, yeah-yeah, sundown, yes
(Spoken) Joshua chapter 10
Let me take you there
307
La Bible
Parody of:
“La Bamba” by Ritchie Valens
Ritchie Valens
Bible References:
Isaiah 40:7-8, 1 Peter 1:24-25, 2 Timothy 3:15-17,
Philemon 1:1-25
J’s Journal:
The books of the Bible sung in order – what a
concept. This wasn’t my first attempt at such
a thing. “Mediterranean Wholebook News” was
written eight years earlier, and two of the very first
Christian parodies I ever wrote were the books of the
Old Testament sung to “I Wanna Be Sedated” by the
Ramones, and the books of the New Testament sung
to “Kodachrome” by Paul Simon. I didn’t have any
intention of spoofing this song, but it came on while
I was listening to an 80’s compilation and the words
just poured out. I remember working on it at a gas
station in Kentucky on the way to see my fiancée.
Some people act like the Bible is written in a foreign
language (of course the original manuscripts were,
but I mean the one they have in their house), and it
does have all of those strangely named books that
sound like foreign words when you sing them. So it
was a natural to put that concept with this song.
Follow along in the Bible
Follow along in the Bible
You’ll never read any book that is better
Genesis, Exodus and Leviticus, Numbers, Deuteronomy
Joshua, Judges and Ruth
Then 1 & 2
Samuel and Kings and Chronicles
Ezra, Nehemiah, Esther
And then Job, Psalms and Proverbs
Ecclesiastes and Song of Solomon, Song of Solomon
Then Isaiah
Jeremiah
Lamentations – uh huh
Ezekiel, Daniel, Hosea
Joel, Amos and Obadiah
And Jonah, Micah, Nahum, Habakkuk and
Zephaniah, Haggai, Zechariah and
After these there’s Malachi
LEAD
Matthew, Mark, Luke and John-a
Acts of the Apostles and Romans
1,2 Corinthians, Galatians, Ephesians
Philippians, Colossians, 1,2 Thessalonians
and 1,2 Timothy
Titus, Philemon, Hebrews, James, 1,2 Peter
1,2,3 John
Jude, Rev’lation
That’s the Bible
I like Bible
Try my Bible
Bye Bye Bible
308
Land of Delusion
Parody of:
“Land of Confusion” by Genesis
Tony Banks, Phil Collins & Mike Rutherford
Bible References:
2 Thessalonians 2:11, 2 Timothy 3:13
J’s Journal:
From the beginning of the Bible to the end, we
witness a disturbing trend: “evil men and impostors
will go from bad to worse, deceiving and being
deceived” (2 Tim. 3:13). Once a society starts taking
the truth and throwing it all away, it’s hard to get it
back. Once you shut out the light, it’s hard to turn it
on again. The Bible explains this in 2 Thess. 2:10b11: “They perish because they refused to love the
truth and so be saved. For this reason God sends
them a powerful delusion so that they will believe
the lie...” Unfortunately, much of mankind has come
down with this sickness – a perfect insanity that
has bound and stricken humanity – and they can’t
just stop. Of course, if you talk to the average man
on the corner about sin, you’ll probably get into a
misunderstanding with him, or get no reply at all,
because so much of this world is already in too
deep. It’s just a shame, that’s all.
I must have seen a thousand scenes
Of violence on the silver screen
But I didn’t see them march in the street
Till a movie showed Jesus bleed
Now Christmas Eve and New Year’s Day
They’ve taken mangers off display
But I can see the Bible still is right
And turning men to the light
There’s too many sins and too many steeples
Filled with too many cobwebs
And there’s not enough of us who hold our ground
Can’t you see this is a land of delusion?
This is the world’s religion:
Everything else but Christian
You’d better just stop trying
To make it a place for fitting in
They sue a man for arguin’ now
That any sin is wrong somehow
But men who steal they put in power
With liars in tall ivory towers
And this is a crime, and it’s a disgrace
But the Book tells our future
And God must judge on those grounds
(I’ll) tell you why – this is a land of delusion
This is the Word He’s written
And these are commands He’s given
Do them and let’s stop lying
And making new ways to live in sin
I remember long ago
Men were prophesying
What they prophesied is all proven right
In this atheist madness that we failed to fight
So long ago
I won’t be calling darkness light
Read Revelation, He’ll put it right
‘Cause God don’t break His promises
And we know He never sleeps
There’s too many men who do many evils
Thinking He’ll never stop them
But God knows what’s been goin’ down
They’re deceived – this is a land of delusion
(Now) this is the Word He’s written
And these are commands He’s given
Do them and let’s start trying
To beg Him for grace ‘cause time is short
This is the world’s religion
It’s anything else but Christian
Read Second Thessalonians
Verse 2:11 ‘cause it’s true
309
Last Night
Parody of:
“Last Kiss” by Pearl Jam
Wayne Cochran
Bible References:
Matthew 26:33-56, Luke 22:39-62
J’s Journal:
This is Peter’s firsthand account of what happened
between the Garden of Gethsemane and Mount
Calvary. It takes place the day after Christ died
and the day before He rose. It was the first full
day Peter had spent as an Apostle without Jesus
being alive, and he had no idea that His Lord would
rise the next day. Has there ever been a sadder day
than that Saturday? I think I got the idea for this
song during the same car ride between Maryland
and Pennsylvania when I got the hook for “Living
What Jesus Spoke Of.” We released both of those
songs on Spoofernatural in 2000, when Fred
Behanna was our drummer. However, at some point
after Bill “Moose” Rieger became our drummer
(2001-05), the guys in the band started switching
instruments on this particular song, and Moose
would play the guitar. So when we rerecorded it
for Easter Standard Time in 2015, we asked him to
play that part. His son, Jake, played the bass, and
Jimmy did the drums, of course.
Oh where oh where can my Savior be?
The Lord – they took Him away from me
They’ve gone ahead and nailed Him onto the wood
So I can’t see my Savior when I need Him most
He was down on His knees in an olive gard’n
He had been prayin’ very hard
There in the grove – strangers came
A crowd with swords – they mentioned His name
I couldn’t stop ‘em though I certainly tried
I went for the head of some bad guy
But Jesus Christ – He touched him fast
Replaced the ear that I had slashed
The Lord, they took Him away from me
They’ve gone and nailed the Son of God to the wood
So I can’t see my Savior when I need Him most
When I showed up – they had the Lord on trial
There were people standin’ all around
Some men corn’red me so then I denied
But somehow Christ found my face with His eyes
At dinner last night He’d looked at me and said
“You’ll deny me in just a little while.”
I felt so cold to kiss Him off like this
I failed the Lord and I knew that I did
But now He’s gone even though I hope and cry
I cost my Lord His life last night
The Lord, they took Him away from me
He’s gone to Heaven and it’s not looking good
Cause I can’t see my Savior when I need Him most
310
Last Rain the Clouds Spill
Parody of:
“Last Train to Clarksville” by The Monkees
Tommy Boyce & Bobby Hart
Bible References:
1 Kings 17
J’s Journal:
We may be the only band ever to have released
three songs about King Ahab and Queen Jezebel,
but that’s hardly overkill. Those two evil characters
play a major role in the Old Testament, and each
song we do is about a different part of a story that
stretches 16 chapters, from 1 Kings 16 through 2
Kings 9. This one is told from Elijah’s perspective
as he’s calling for a drought that will literally
last years. As far as Monkees parodies go, I was
experiencing an anti-drought when I wrote this song
in 1996. Maybe I was subconsciously celebrating
their 30th anniversary. I wrote “Armageddon Valley
Someday,” “Monkey Scheme” (although the rap
didn’t come till 2001), “I’m a Receiver,” “Last Rain
the Clouds Spill,” and another parody I really like
of “(I’m Not Your) Steppin’ Stone.” I really liked
them all, but I realized I’d have to wait a long time
before we’d be able to record all of them. Slowly but
surely, we’ve been knocking them off.
Take the last rain the clouds spill
And you’ll need to have a basin
You can drink it while you’re thirsty
‘Cause I’m takin’ a vacation
Drink it slow – oh, woe, woe, woe, oh, woe, woe, woe
‘Cause I’m leaving with a warning
That a drought will soon begin
You’ll have warm air like the desert
Till the Lord brings spring-like rain
And I must go – oh, woe, woe, woe – oh, woe, woe, woe!
And I don’t predict the weather on my own
There’ll be massive dehydration
There’s no time to stop and save your fishes
It’s a pity – God’s forsaken you
Oh, woe, woe woe! Oh, woe, woe, woe!
Pity, pity, pity, pity, pity, pity, pity, pity, pity, pity, pity, pity you
Pity, pity, pity, pity, pity, pity, pity, pity, pity, pity, pity, pity you
Take Elijah’s advice still
Now I must head up the road
I can’t heal your land with Jezebel and Ahab on the throne
They’re really low – low, low, low, low – low, low, low low!
And I don’t know if they’ll ever come around
And I’ll meet you when you’re chastened
You will be real dry and dirty
‘Cause you’ve paganized the nation
Told you so – oh, woe, woe, woe – oh, woe, woe, woe!
And I don’t know, Israel, when I’m coming home
REPEAT AND FADE
311
Lawful Woman (in a Bad Place)
Parody of:
“Long Cool Woman (in a Black Dress)” by The
Hollies
Harold Clarke, Roger F. Cook & Roger Greenaway
Bible References:
Joshua 2
J’s Journal:
A tale of espionage told by two spies sent by Joshua
to Jericho right before the Israelites invaded.
Joshua chapter 2 says they stayed at “the house
of a prostitute named Rahab,” but the story shows
that she was not as bad as she seemed. As this song
puts it, “she was a lawful woman in a bad place.”
This song originally appeared on our homemade
Want It Dead or Alive? cassette in late 1992, and the
words came fast and furious once I got the chorus. I
revised the lyrics a bit for Biblical Graffiti.
Sat out the night in a bad town
Workin’ on some espionage
Sent in there to test a battle plan
Risky, but we tried to lodge
Two of us pulled in, saw a red light
For the people who were doing wrong
I guess she was harlot but even then
She had heard about-a Israel’s God
We were foreign spies but she helped us to hide
We said that we’d spare her her life
She was an awful woman in a bad place
In a town that was due for a fall
With just one move she proved she had faith
Was a lawful woman after all
We saw her heart was true and faithful
When the town knocked she hid that fact
The town they said “Those fellows from Israel
Can you tell us do you know where there at?”
“There not in here,” she said, “Go find them!”
And everybody started to run
A-jumpin’ on their horse and camels
In a hurry so real soon they were gone
We could see they were gone so we left then
We could see that we owed her our lives
Well, we told her, “Don’t get scared, ‘cause you’re gonna be spared”
But we gotta see a red ribbon if ya wanna still be livin’
When the wall falls, woman in a bad place
In a town that was due for a fall
With just one move you proved you had faith
You’re a lawful woman after all
After all! After all! Mmmmm ... After all!
312
Lazy Brain
Parody of:
“Crazy Train” by Ozzy Osbourne
Ozzy Osbourne, Bob Daisley & Randy Rhoads
Bible References:
1 Corinthians 5:9-13, 6:9-11; Romans 2:1; John
17:15-19; Acts 19:19; 1 John 4:4; 1 Timothy 1:15
J’s Journal:
A different look at Ozzy Osbourne and God’s amazing
grace. I got the idea for the title and the first line
of this song while we were working on songs for
Grace Period. But there wasn’t enough time to get it
finished and on the CD. This was right before MTV
came out with The Osbournes. Once that happened,
we knew we had to do this song on our next CD!
This parody makes the point that you never know
how a person can change over the years. Look at
the public’s perception of Ozzy Osbourne today
compared with when “Crazy Train” first came out
in 1981! If he’s changed that much in the past two
decades, who knows how much he may change in
the next two decades? Look at Alice Cooper, the
Ozzy of the 1970’s. He went from shock rock in the
early 70’s to adult contemporary in the late 70’s to
a surprise comeback in the late 80’s to born-again
Christian today. Who would have predicted that?
Furthermore, who would have predicted that Saul
of Tarsus, the persecutor of the Church, would
become the Apostle Paul? You never know who
God is going to get a hold of next.
Osbournes!!!! Ha ha ha ha! I-I-I-I!
Ozzy puts bats down his throat
Real different people live in his home
“Cosby, he’s not,” You complain
“He’s burned out from drugs and forgets his own name!”
Censors soon start bleeping, “What did he just say?”
I know enough to tell it’s not a statement of faith
I know enough to tell Ozzy may need saved
Let’s go!
I’ve listened to Priest and I’ve listened to Crue
I’ve watched Alice Cooper get saved out of booze
One person’s addictions can ruin his soul
But Jesus saved Alice so you never know
Metal groups still screaming – why are we so tame
They’re going off the trail but they ain’t insane
They’re going off the trail ‘cause we’re lazy brains
Why don’t we think ‘bout Romans 1 through 3?
You gotta listen to God’s Word
There was a cola war and Ozzy succumbed
He’ll sell Mr. Bubble when MTV’s done
Lately I just am not scared
The devilish Ozzy – he just isn’t there
Maybe he’s not really who and what you claimed
I know what Ozzy says but he may still change
So don’t underestimate God’s amazing grace
313
Lazzie Lay
Parody of:
“Maggie Mae” by Rod Stewart
Martin Quittenton & Rod Stewart
Bible References:
John 11
J’s Journal:
This is the story of Lazarus’ resurrection as told by
his sisters, Mary and Martha. I got the idea for this
song somewhere between my home at the time in Mt.
Washington (part of Pittsburgh), and the McDonald’s
on the North Side, near where I worked. I wrote
much of it in the car trip between those two points.
Wake up, Lazarus, Jesus got somethin’ to say to you
Your funeral’s over, but you really should come back, it’s cool
I know you’re deep in the tomb
But I believe you’ll be leavin’ soon
And Jesus He stood and just cried when He saw
He said, “Roll away the stone”
‘Cause he didn’t wanna see ya gone
You know His power and that stuff really works
We’re mourning some ‘cause it’s been four days since we closed your grave
But that don’t worry Him none; He says Christ can do anything
But after somebody dies
Can Jesus really make ‘em rise?
Oh, Lazarus shouldn’t have died, anyhow
Just to save us from bein’ alone
We rolled the stone and now we’re waitin’ for you – come out!
Our Lord Jesus was your friend, so when, we called for Him
Well, we told Him ‘bout you, brother
But somethin’ must have happened; He’s four days late
Tried to tell Him that you’re dead
And then the Lord, He only shakes His head
Oh, Lazzie, I couldn’t have tried any more
‘Cause He didn’t wanna see ya gone
I don’t know how, but I trust Him anyway
I supposed you’d resurrect some day, when all the others do
But Jesus says that you will be a livin’ when He calls for you
They finally got the rock-a-rolled back
They’re helpin’ you unwrap
Oh, Lazzie, I thought I’d never see your face
He made a faithless fool out of me
‘Cause you’re alive, as any fool can see
You look so good; I can’t believe you ever died
314
Learn Some Deuteronomy
Parody of:
“Pour Some Sugar on Me” by Def Leppard
Steve Clark, Phil Collen, Joe Elliot, Robert John
“Mutt” Lange & Rick Savage
Bible References:
Romans 7:1-4, Galatians 3:19-25, James 2:10,
Deuteronomy 27:26, Habakkuk 2:4, Leviticus 18:5
J’s Journal:
Everybody knows there were 10 Commandments
given on Mount Sinai. But there are a total of 613
laws in the Old Testament, as catalogued in the
Jewish Talmud. Many of them are found in the book
of Deuteronomy. The Law is a wonderful thing, but
that’s not how we get into Heaven. Galatians 3:10
says, “All who rely on observing the law are under
a curse, for it is written: ‘Cursed is everyone who
does not continue to do everything that is written
in the Book of the Law.’ ” In fact, Galatians 2:16
also says that “a man is not justified by observing
the law, but by faith in Jesus Christ.” Like “I Love
Apostle Paul,” I thought we could do this song
much better than we did on Spoofernatural, so
I suggested we rerecord it live on New & Used
Hits. Mutt Lange had all kinds of time in the studio
to layer voices for the chorus. We settled for
a lively crowd in New Hampshire.
(Get with Christ ... walk in faith)
(You and me need ... His grace!)
Livin’ by the law, babe, you’re gonna get it wrong
Livin’ by the law will make you dead and gone
Look at God’s commands in Leviticus and
Then in Deuteronomy you’ll see it man
Actually you’ll have to read in chapter three tonight
Of Galatians verses 19 through 25
Small crimes, any crime puts you in deep
Christ is the Savior, sayin’ look at Me
(Yeah! Yeah! C’mon!)
Take your Bible – Shake it off
Everybody – breaks the law
Learn some Deuteronomy – can you name those laws
Learn from Deuteronomy – c’mon try because
Learn your Deuteronomy – you ain’t good enough
God’s Law – is tricky to keep – born again you must be, yeah
(Listen!) Read* the Bible, yeah we’re liable, Jesus died though
Grace is livin’ Romans 7:1 and 4
There have been 613 written Bible laws
We ain’t exaggeratin’ the Jews said so (the Jews said so)
You gotta read Leviticus 18 and read a little more
Deuteron’my 27, Habakkuk 2:4
Small crimes, any crime puts you in deep
Read it in James 2:10 I’m sure you’ll see
(Yeah! Yeah! Read a little more!)
CHORUS
You come to Jesus – Christ’s got the key
Jesus says – come to me
Cause God’s law (law) is so hard – it’s tricky to keep
Born again (yeah) amen – you must be
(Cause you’re just a sinner)
(Want some more proof?)
CHORUS
NOTE: 613 laws from the Old Testament are cataloged in the Jewish Talmud
*Pronounced as the past tense of “read” (i.e. “red”)
All other occurrences of the word in the song are present tense.
315
Lemonade
Parody of:
“Renegade” by Styx
Tommy Shaw
Bible References:
Romans 5:20, 8:28, 10:4; Hebrews 7:24-25, 10:1;
2 Corinthians 3:6; Galatians 3:2-25
Oh, Mama, I’ve been cleared of my crimes and I’m not under the law
Law has been put an end to by somethin’ that is so far above it all
Oh, Mama, I can hear you a-cryin’, you’re so scared it’s all a joke
Examine Romans 10 for a while and then you’ll know I can’t be wrong
The Jesus love I knew about has finally found me
Made lemonade from my mistakes – the sweet from the soury
10 verse 4 in Romans says – disobedience ends with faith
In the Son of Man
Oh, Mama, I’ve believed on the Lamb of God, the High Priest of my Faith
God says that He’s forever alive now it’s for sure He’ll keep me saved
Dear Mama, back in Hebrews you will find it, in verse 7:24
Amen, I’m comin’ out from the shadows and I don’t have scary thoughts
They’ve taken off the noose around me – I will be found clean
The reservations had been made with Jesus on Calvary
Everyone has gone astray, but you can repent today
If you want it man
Oh, Mama, I’ve been cleared of my crimes cause I’m not under the law
Amen, I’m comin’ out from the shadows and I don’t have scary thoughts
Hey, check this out, removed the doubts, the Bible astounds me
I read Galatians chapter 3:24 and zowie!
Twenty-four and -five explain, disobedience ends with grace
If you want it, man – You want it, man?
J’s Journal:
We’ve all heard the old expression, “When life gives
you lemons, make lemonade.” If you can’t make
it yourself, God has a splendid recipe: The Bible
says, “Where sin abounded, grace abounded more”
(Romans 5:20). In other words, the more lemons we
give God, the more lemonade He makes. And we
have the promise of Romans 8:28 that God causes
all things to work together for good for those who
love Him, who are called according to His purpose.
We don’t always understand why certain things
happen the way they do, and I’m sure there are lots
of questions that will remain unanswered until we
get to the other side. But let’s face it: none of us
gets the kind of punishment our sins deserve. God
takes some of the crummiest things ever done and
turns them into beautiful things. He took Joseph’s
enslavement and used it to eventually save both
Israel and Egypt. He took David and Bathsheba’s
adultery and eventually gave them Solomon for a
son and the royal line of Judah for descendants. And
the greatest example of all: He took the crucifixion
of His holy, sinless Son, and turned it into salvation
for all who call upon His name (Romans 10:13, Acts
2:21). “Renegade” was sung by a character awaiting
punishment for breaking the law. “Lemonade” is sung
by a character who has been freed from the fear
of the punishment that comes from breaking God’s
laws (Romans 10:4, Galatians 3:24-25).
316
(Ba da da dum, bum, bum, ba da dum)
Oh, my, my, my, my
Parody of:
“Let’s Spend the Night Together” by The Rolling
Stones
Bible References:
Ephesians 4:26-27, Matthew 5:23-26
J’s Journal:
If you have a relationship that’s been shattered by an
argument, don’t miss your opportunity to reconcile
before you’re out of time (Ephesians 4:26-27).
Instead of waiting on a friend to make the first move,
make sure you ain’t too proud to beg for forgiveness,
even if you have mixed emotions (Matthew 5:2326). God will come to your emotional rescue, and
you’ll be happy you trusted Him. I finished writing
this in November 2014, although I got the idea
earlier that year. We released it in early April 2015.
Chris did a nice job on piano and organ, but we opted
to use a photo of him playing a keytar on the single’s
cover. For years Keith had wanted us to have a guy
play a keytar on stage, but Chris was the first to
actually go out and get one – just another reason
for us to love him. Since this parody is about living
in harmony with our brothers, I should mention that
I was really impressed with the Stones’ harmonies
on the bridge to this song; they’re very Beach Boyesque. This was always one of my favorite Stones
songs (although my opinion of the lyrics changed
once I became a born-again Christian), especially the
piano intro, but I’d never really noticed all the things
going on vocally in the bridge until I had to take
the song apart and figure them out. The flip side
of the original Stones single was “Ruby Tuesday.”
Sometimes when Bill Hubauer is being pessimistic, I
like to call him “Hubie Doomsday.”
Don’t you worry if it’s your fault or mine, oh my
My memory’s blurry – that’s a waste of time, oh my
So much was said that my tongue’s gettin’ tired
(My tongue’s getting’ tired)
From overhead comes a thought that’s inspired
Oh my, you may be shocked, shocked, shocked, oh my
Let’s end the fight together – now I’ll meet you toward the center
Let’s end the fight together now
(Ba da da dum, bum) Oh, my, my, my, my
I feel so strong, but I can’t be wise, oh my (Let’s end the fight together)
If I can’t just apologize, oh my (Let’s end the fight together)
Don’t angry up and get rewound (Don’t get rewound)
Because that sun is going on down, and down, and down, upon your wrath
Let’s end the fight together – now Ephesians 4 says it better
Verse 25 through 7 now
Let’s end the fight together (dooo dooo do do)
God will redo what was severed (dooo dooo do do)
(Do do do do do do do do do do)
You know I’m tryin’, baby (ooooooh) Please don’t go silent, baby (ooooooh)
Read Matthew 5 verse 24 (ooooooh)
I think we both know better (ooooooh) Let’s end the fight together (ooooooh)
Let’s end the fight together now (ooooooh)
This doesn’t have to be the end of the day, oh my (Let’s end the fight together)
No excuses I could ever say, oh my (Let’s end the fight together)
I’m mad at myself for gettin’ extreme (For gettin’ extreme)
And now I hope you will ratify peace – oh, my, my, my, my, my, my
Let’s end the fight together – now I’m seeking your forgiveness
Let’s end the fight together now
Oh, my my, my, my, my, my, my (Let’s end the fight together)
And now I need to beg you for forgiveness, oh my (Let’s end the fight together)
I’m gratified you’re listenin’ to me, oh, my friend (Let’s end the fight together)
And now I know my Lord will pacify me, oh my my (Let’s end the fight together)
I thank you, baby, from the bottom of all my heart (Let’s end the fight together)
So come on now, let’s praise the Lord, my, my, my (Let’s end the fight together)
I thank you, baby
317
Don’t you feel as though if we’re saved by grace
People shouldn’t really get the blues
But it happens – some are sad
Oh, and honey that’s the dues we pay
Parody of:
“Listen to the Music” by The Doobie Brothers
What the people need is to make a joyful shout
To take those heartsick blues and use those sounds
To propagate the message in the Good News
Don’t cry, mama, ‘cause we’re heaven bound
Tom Johnston
Ohhh ... Let’s redo the music
Ohhh ... Let’s renew the music
Of your mind
Bible References:
Romans 8:18, 12:2; 2 Corinthians 4:17; Psalms
66:1, 81:1, 95:1-2, 96:1, 98:4-6, 100:1, 105:43,
118:15
J’s Journal:
Romans 12:2 says we should be transformed by
the renewing of our minds. Here’s a song about
renewing the MUSIC of our minds. We’d already
spoofed “Listen to the Music” on Isn’t Wasn’t
Ain’t in 1993, but this new parody from 2014 is
completely different – all-new title and all-new
lyrics. I started working on it a year or two after
Tom Tincha and Tom Milnes joined the band,
because I knew they’d both played the original
before. I remember getting much of the new first
verse while mowing my backyard. I think it has a
little more to say the second time around. It’s kind of
funny that we redid a song we’d already redone and
then called it “Let’s Redo the Music.” We released
it in June 2014 along with “We’re Not Goin’ to
Canaan,” making it a family affair – parodies of
the Doobie BROTHERS and Twisted SISTER. This
was the first of three songs we did that year with
Luke Hoey as a guest participant, and he played a
different instrument on each one. That’s him you
hear playing the banjo. Tom T. plays guitar and Tom
M. plays bass and sings backing vocals. Well I know you learn better when we sing and play
Even if it’s country or reggae
We’ll be happy to revamp
All the numbers that we used to play
If that deal sounds good to you
And you really do believe
Then, my brothers, if you do behave
We can put in some rhyme
Oh, maybe, turn the blues to praise
Of your mind
I can praise the Lord forever
We’re bound for mansions in the sky
And the time is drawing nearer
Listen, we don’t have much time
To be sad so let’s not cry
Of your mind
318
Letterman
Parody of:
“Betterman” by Pearl Jam
Eddie Vedder
Late night, watching the TV, it’s 12:00, we’re watchin’ David Letterman
With the Lord, we practice our routines as He opens the show, we roll over
Pretend we’re dead just like Spot and Rover
The Bible gives us a top 10 list you can’t find on Letterman
We do the stupidest human tricks you can’t find on Letterman
Talkin’ to our guests, we joke and jest, He sees our show, He’s not impressed
Letters that we read, we throw them out the window
When the wordly turn on us on – we cut to music as the band plays on
The Bible gives us a top 10 list you can’t find on Letterman
We do the dumbest of human tricks you can’t find on Letterman
We smile, but there’s a big gap there you can’t find on Letterman
We need somebody to fill it in you can’t find on Letterman
He loves us – Yeah – He don’t want some T.V. stage
We need Him – Yeah – then why do we act this way
Just like on Letterman – Late Night with Letterman
Bible References:
Luke 6:46
J’s Journal:
No, it’s not “Adventures of Letterman” from
the old PBS Electric Company series; it’s David
Letterman. I just thought it was interesting
how we do “stupid human tricks” all the time in
everyday life. And just like Dave, we smile, but
there’s a big gap, until Christ fills it in.
319
A Lie
Parody of:
“Alive” by Pearl Jam
Eddie Vedder & Stone Gossard
Son, they said, have we got a little theory for you
What you thought was your daddy was really a gorilla
Science teachers show you all the bones, but they don’t fit
Your real daddy was Darwin
“Sorry, we still can’t prove it, but it has to be taught”
Evolution’s still a lie (Repeat)
Why does your school enforce it like its true?
It’s just a theory, you know?
Why can’t they show me any missing links in the chain?
They dug, they dug – no evidence – just quantum leaps
Can’t you see – evolution’s a lie
Is something wrong with that? Of course, there is
You’re not an accident or do you prefer to be?
You’re God’s creation, and it’s so, it’s so
So obvious, so obvious
Bible References:
Romans 1:18-23
J’s Journal:
The chorus couldn’t be simpler. “Evolution is still a
lie.” If you dress up a lie in pseudo-scientific terms,
it’s still a lie. That doesn’t mean we think that all
evolutionists are deliberately lying, but we think
they’ve been deceived by a theory that is a lie.
In ordinary life, if you tell a lie, you have to keep
telling more lies to cover it up. The same thing has
happened with evolution. But the truth eventually
comes out, doesn’t it? I’m not asking you to blindly
believe what I say. Watch a debate between the
best evolutionary thinkers and the best creationist
thinkers sometime. Listen to both sides of the story.
I can’t help but think of Romans 1:25, which says,
“They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and
worshiped and served created things rather than the
Creator–who is forever praised. Amen.”
320
Parody of:
“Life in the Fast Lane” by The Eagles
Joe Walsh, Don Henley & Glenn Frey
Bible References:
Revelation 1:18
J’s Journal:
This is one of my favorite parody lines, changing
“Life in the Fast Lane” to “Life in the Last Days.” The
song itself is a synopsis of the Book of Revelation,
starting with the story of how the Apostle John got
the Revelation in the first place. I think the first time
we ever played this “live” was at Invasion ‘94 in St.
Mary’s, PA. It was exciting to play. The first time
I remember hearing the original version was in my
cousins’ car in Columbus, OH in 1977.
It’s pretty hard to understand, but it’s totally awesome
And it’s eternally true
Who wrote the book? It was John the Apostle
From the Lord, to me and you
It’s a fantastic revelation of the future news
It came from Jesus; it’ll come true
When he saw Jesus comin’, John fell down as dead
He told him, “Get up, Johnny, and write this down instead.”
Life in the last days ... sure to make you lose your mind
Life in the last days ... uh huh
He saw four horsemen, holding the reigns
Of colorful stallions, who brought different things
He who rode the white conquered, and the red one brought war
And the black one brought famine; then pale horse number four
There was death in the saddle, ridin’ out through space
He had Hades right behind him, killed a fourth of the human race
All of the people, were trying to hide
When the earth started shakin’ and the moon turned to blood
The sun was
Black in the last days ... sure to make you lose your mind
Life in the last days ... yeah, yeah
Life in the last days ... everything prophesied
Life in the last days ... uh huh
So much to tell you; I’ve got one verse
Man didn’t heed the stop signs and the earth got worse and worse
If you’re a Christian, baby, don’t you fear a single thing
If you’re not, go read the Bible ‘cause there’s more than I can sing
There’s a false messiah, they’ll think that he’s the Christ
The world will take his number, but they’ll have to pay his price
They’ll look up and they’ll see Jesus and they’ll know that they’ve lost
He won the war when He was dyin’ on the cross
321
Parody of:
“Life in the Fast Lane” by The Eagles
Joe Walsh, Don Henley & Glenn Frey
Bible References:
Revelation 1:18
J’s Journal:
The first time we ever played this live was, I
believe, the same day we officially released the
album it came from, Radical History Tour – only
on cassette at the time. The recording wasn’t
that great, so I was eager to revisit it once we
adopted the “two guitars are better than one”
approach after the two Toms joined us in late
2008. Tinch and I even got to do this song once
during a Sunday-morning service with the worship
team at my church at the beginning of a series of
sermons they were doing on Revelation. It’s sorta hard to understand, but it’s totally awesome
And it’s eternally finished
Who wrote it up? It was John the Apostle
Aand the Lord said it won’t diminish
He had fantastic revelations of the future news
Sent here from Jesus, sent here for you
When he saw Jesus comin’, John fell down as dead
He told him, Grab your tablet and write this down instead
Life in the last days – sure to make you lose your mind
Life in the last days – yeah, heh
He saw four horsemen, holding the reins
Of colorful stallions, who brought different things
He who rode the white conquered, and the red one brought war
And the black one brought famine; then pale horse number four
There was death in the saddle, ridin’ out through space
He had Hades right behind him, killed a fourth of the human race
All of the people, were trying to hide
When the earth started shakin’ and the moon turned to blood
The sun was
Black in the last days – sure to make you lose your mind
Life in the last days – everything prophesied
So much to tell you; I’ve got one verse
Man didn’t heed the stop signs and the earth got worse and worse
If you’re a Christian, baby, you don’t need to fear a thing
If you’re not, go read the Bible ‘cause there’s more than I can sing
There’s a false messiah, the people will think he’s Christ
The world will take his number, but they’ll have to pay his price
They’ll look up and they’ll see Jesus and they’ll know that they’ve lost
He won the war when He was dyin’ on the cross and it was
Life in the last days – sure to make you lose your mind
Life in the last days – everything prophesied
322
Life Restored
Parody of:
“Last Resort” by Papa Roach
Papa Roach
Bible References:
Romans 3:10-23, 5:8, 6:23, 8:1, 10:9
J’s Journal:
“Last Resort” was about somebody at the end
of their rope, trying to decide if they wanted to
hang themselves with it. “Life Restored” is about
somebody at the beginning of their hope, trying
to share it with others. I’m pretty sure I got the
idea for this song while mowing the lawn the
Saturday before Easter in 2001. We’ve had people
tell us personally that God used this song to bring
them to Christ. That’s the best thing anybody can
tell us about one of our parodies.
Plug my life into Jesus – this gets my life restored
Such a cakewalk – no brainer
Don’t need to fuss if I call on our savior
This gets my life restored
Plugged my life into Jesus – I’ve seen my life restored
Such a cakewalk – no brainer
Don’t need to fuss since I called Him my savior
Do not even care if I die later
Cause I belong to Jesus Christ
If they took my life tonight – chances are I’d arrive
In a place that’s out of sight – and I’m confident I’m doin’ fine
‘Cause I’m improving my life, renewing my mind
This all started with Romans 10:9
Doing what’s right, doin’ quite fine
I never realized I was meant to live
To live a new life if I would let Him within
Told me – death is the payoff for living in sin
End the cycle when you’re born again
It all started when I first discovered
The Book on my shelf and read cover to cover
Searching – to find religion that held my attention
Finding – something called Christian redemption
I’ll be all right – I’ll be just fine
You’re runnin’ out of time
I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine
I can’t go wrong living this way
Plug my life into Jesus
This gets my life restored
Selfish nature – don’t need it
Go give it up – you can conquer your demons
Would it be wrong for me to pry
If you give your life to Christ – Chances are dynamite
You will make it out alive – and I’m confident you’ll do it right
I’ll be all right – I’ll be just fine – You’re runnin’ out of time
I can’t go wrong living this way – Can’t go wrong living this way
I’ll be all – right
323
Lifestyles of the Rich & Nameless
Parody of:
“Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous” by Good
Charlotte
Benji Madden & Joel Madden
Bible References:
Luke 12:16-21, 16:19-31, 18:18-30; 1 Timothy
6:6-10; Matthew 6:19-21, 19:16-30; John 12:8;
Mark 10:17-30; Proverbs 16:8, 22:1; Galatians
2:10; James 2:5-6, 2:15-17
J’s Journal:
The parable of Lazarus and the rich man, whom Jesus
chose to keep nameless. The idea for the title came
first, in January 2003. The second half of the lyrics
came on the way home from a San Diego trip in June
2003, in the rental car, in the airport, and on the plane.
I know a scene you ought to see
I read it in Luke 16
So let me be I wanna set the scene
A wealthy dude his name’s unknown inside his sprawling home
Stuffing his mouth with that life of ease
While Lazarus is thin and weak, down the driveway on the street
I don’t think he will survive
If he could get that nameless dude to feed him some leftover food
He’d take the crumbs now as they’d fall, if they would fall
Lifestyles of the rich and the nameless
The solid gold bracelets don’t make you blameless
His money is not the problem
He forgot Lazarus; Think Jesus saw them
Did you know the rich and nameless dude eventually died
And when he woke up things were on the fiery side
With Lazarus across the chasm and Abraham talked to him
He said, “You know it’s really hot in here, my throat is cracked
Send Lazarus to me, O Father Abraham
He can always just run some water down to me”
“I’d like to help you get a drink,” Abraham said, “Honestly,
I don’t think that would suffice
But he’s already paid his dues
Now he is somewhere else than you
You think that’s someone else’s fault? Maybe not”
They’re always so shameless
God plays no favorites
It’s funny yet such a shocker
How he demanded, “Bring me some water!”
The one with no status God made so famous
It’s funny to watch the process
Because somebody prosperous He made anonymous
Designer clothes get spots and holes; Let’s shop at Payless
Lifestyles of the rich and nameless
Lights out for the rich and nameless
Find out what 2:16 James says
324
Lightning Flashes
Parody of:
“Lightning Crashes” by Live
Edward Kowalczyk & Live
Bible References:
Matthew 24:27
J’s Journal:
The following is a true story. Here’s what I wrote
the day it happened (condensed for space): On Nov.
21, 1995, something really wild happened to me. A
few days before, I had written “Lightning Flashes,”
a parody based on Jesus’ prediction of his second
coming in Matthew 24:27. I wondered, “Am I
writing too many songs about the endtimes lately?
Is ‘Lightning Flashes’ just one more?” As I walked
across the bridge to work that morning I came upon
a beggar with a styrofoam cup, who was sitting
on the sidewalk in one of the compartments of the
bridge. He wasn’t dressed well for the chilly breeze
over the river – his underwear was even showing
through holes in his jeans. I gave him some change
and a pocket Bible, said “Jesus loves you,” and kept
moving ... but something told me to go back and at
least give him a dollar bill. When I got back to him,
he was already reading the Bible. He looked up at me
and said, “Matthew Chapter 24, Verse 27, ‘As the
lightning cometh out of the east, and shineth even
unto the west; so shall also the coming of the Son
of man be.’ ” It really blew me away, because he
wasn’t even on that page in his Bible; he was quoting
it from memory. We introduced ourselves. His name
was Anthony, and he’d obviously been drinking. I
asked him why he was on the streets and he told me
how his wife had thrown him out and how he missed
his kids. We prayed together. Finally, we said our
goodbyes to which he added, “J., He’s coming back.”
Lightning flashes all over the sky
Weather center calls for a storm
This ain’t no ordinary sky
The invasion begins
Who thought that God would step in and stop the war?
Lightning flashes ... an old book of mine
Clearly mentioned all this before
We ain’t supposed to be surprised
But the few who prepared
Are gone now as we face the wrath of God
Ooh, I see Him comin’ back again
Like the lightning comes from east to the west
Faces fallin’ as the Son returns to earth again ... I can see Him
Lightning flashes ... the moment of Christ
This moment He’s been waitin’ for
The angel hosts have arrived!
Pale and paralyzed, we face the Son
But the glory is too bright! Bright!
Voices callin’ out as sinners on the earth confess, “I believe it!”
We’re so sorry, but repentence doesn’t work right then, I can see it
Like He told in Matthew’s Gospel back then
Chapter 24 the 27th verse, amen ... I believe it
325
Lily-White Boy
Hey, baby, if you’re feelin’ proud
I do what’s good and true all day
Are you worthy like the Pharisees?
Well, when in Luke in chapter 18, look up me
‘Cause I’m a lily-white boy
Yeah, a lily-white boy
A lily-white boy
Parody of:
“Dirty White Boy” by Foreigner
Lou Gramm & Mick Jones
Bible References:
Luke 18:9-14, Matthew 7:1-5
J’s Journal:
The Pharisee in Jesus’ parable in Luke 18 feels like
the first time he ever sinned hasn’t happened yet.
He doesn’t realize his urgent need for grace. His
prayers are cold as ice and he’s a long, long way
from Heaven. We may look good on the outside,
but God has inside information. If you lift yourself
up, He’ll put you back where you belong. I started
this parody in early March 2012. Back then, it was
called “Purty-Nice Boy,” and I got it about half done.
But we already had “God’s Blood,” which had been
waiting since the mid-1990’s, so I knew we wouldn’t
get to this one immediately. Then, we wound up
recording and releasing both “God’s Blood” and a
new version of “Virgin” in 2013, so I had to let our
Foreigner field lie fallow for a while. By 2015, I
was ready to resume work on it. I changed the title,
revised much of what I’d done before, and wrote
the rest. We recorded it in the fall and released it on
December 6, along with “Separate Days (to Worship
God),” a Journey parody, so I guess you could sum
up that single as a Foreigner on a Journey. Tom
Tincha plays both lead and rhythm. That one guitar
… felt (and sounded) good in his hands.
Don’t buy no drinks at bars
Don’t like to frolic where floozies are
You won’t see me be crude to ya
Don’t ever dance, cuss, or chew, do ya?
I’m just a lily-white boy (lily-white boy)
Lily-white boy (lily-white boy)
Lily-white boy
Lily-white boy
LEAD
Well, I’m a lily-white boy (lily-white boy)
Yeah
Lily-white boy
A lily-white boy
I’ve been in temple with some lowdown men
I’m in temple now, and I’m oh so proud that I’m better than them
I look over but I let ‘em alone
Every night I thank God I’m holier than they are, though
‘Cause I’m a lily-white boy (lily-white boy)
Yeah!
I’m a lily-white boy
Lily-white boy
C’mon, c’mon, boy (lily-white boy)
Choirboy! (lily-white boy)
I’m a lily-white boy
Lily-white boy
Hey, I’m a lily-white boy (lily-white boy)
Yeah, I’m a lily-white boy-oy-oy (lily-white boy) oy
Lily-white boy
Yeaaahhh!
326
Lions (1993)
Parody of:
“Signs” by Five Man Electrical Band and Tesla
Les Emmerson
Bible References:
Daniel 6
J’s Journal:
I think I got the idea for this one about the same
time as I got the first line or two for “Daniel” (in
early 1992). “Lions” was one of our most popular
songs in our early days playing out. We probably
played it at our first concert as ApologetiX in March
1992, as it was on our first cassette, Get Your
Wigs, which was a “live” performance we recorded
in June 1992. In fact, the first time I ever heard
of one of our songs being played on the radio it
was the “live” version of “Lions” from that tape,
being played by a DJ named Mike Murr at a small
college radio station in California, PA. Our drummer,
Bill Rieger, didn’t hear this recording until 2001 or
2002, and I think it was his favorite of our early
recordings, largely because of the line, “Daniel, you
down there with them lions?!!” which caused him
to burst into laughter. He has quoted it a few times
since. I remember the original version of this song
from when I was a kid. Karl heard the Tesla version
on the radio, and I think he thought it was a brand
new song, and he liked it. We had so few “modern”
songs, we decided to do a spoof. If I recall correctly,
Tesla’s version of “Signs” was the first “unplugged”
hit, the one that started the trend.
And Darius had lots of sneaky people giving him advice
And they didn’t like Daniel and that was that
And they plotted to see him die
They said “King Darius, let’s make a short-standin’ law now
Here’s what we’ll do!
So if anyone prays within the next 30 days
To anyone other than you
We’ll throw ‘em to the
Lions! Lions! In the den of lions!
We’re talking ‘bout carnivorous, great big wild lions
Vicious golden cats
Don’t you feed the lions!”
And Darius said “Anybody caught trespassin’ this new law I have signed
Will be tossed in a pit with a stone on the top
In a den full of hungry lions!”
But the king just couldn’t figure out
It was Daniel they were tryin’ to get
But you know Daniel still prayed, even three times a day
Till they hauled him in under arrest
Oh oh oh
CHORUS
“Hey you, Daniel can’t you read?
You disobeyed the law, now the lions are gonna feed!
You can’t change the laws of Persians and Medes!
Even the king can’t free you!”
Darius said “Sianora Daniel, hope you make it through the night”
Hey, hey, watcha gonna do? Hey, hey, watcha gonna do?
And Darius went back to his palace and he fasted
And tossed and he turned on his bed
When they hauled away the stone at the end of the night
He didn’t have the stomach to check
So he went to the edge of the cavern
He said “Daniel! You down there with them lions?”
He said “Thank you king for thinkin’ ‘bout me I’m alive and doin’ fine!”
Woaah!
CHORUS
Thank you Lord for thinkin’ ‘bout me!
*NOTE: Pronounce it “Dah-RIE-us” when singing this song.
327
Lions (2010)
Parody of:
“Signs” by Five Man Electrical Band and Tesla
Les Emmerson
Bible References:
Daniel 6
J’s Journal:
This is the same story from Daniel 6 that we
featured on the 1993 version. The big difference
is that in 1993 I didn’t have a copy of the original
song handy and just did some quick lyrics from
memory that we started performing almost
immediately. I had plenty of time over the next
16 years to think of things I’d like to change once
I had the original on my iTunes and iPod, both of
which didn’t exist back in 1993. Since Tesla had
recorded a very popular live acoustic version in the
early 1990’s, we felt this song was tailor-made
for our live acoustic album, Soundproof. However,
unlike Tesla’s cover and our previous attempt on
Isn’t Wasn’t Ain’t, our 2009 version also includes
the long intro from the original Five Man Electrical
Band record. That made for a nice opener to the
Soundproof concert and resulting album.
King Darius had lots of very sneaky people feedin’ him bad advice
And they worked for Daniel but other than that
They were planning to trap him with lies
They said, “If you’d like to sign a short-standing law now, oh, king, please do
So the people, they’ll have to pray to your majesty
Or be served as cat food
Thrown to the ...
Lions! Lions! In the den of lions!
Talking ‘bout the lean and mean, great big wild kind
Ruthless cold cruel cats
Don’t you feed the lions!”
And Darius said “Anybody caught trespassin’ this new law I have signed
In the month up ahead, well, I’m tellin’ you now
Hey! We’ll give you to the lions!”
But he never sensed or figured out what the new legislation did
Till guards appeared and told him to his face:
“Daniel’s some lion’s dinner!”
CHORUS
Well, hey you, Daniel can’t you read?
We caught you havin’ church – it’s time for penalties
I can’t even watch those huge cats eat
You ain’t supposed to pray here
Darius said, “I got to tell ya, Daniel, it’s hard to let you die.”
LEAD
And Darius went to bed but he hoped the Lord would come in
And help out his friend
And then he fasted while he waited till the end of the night
But didn’t have the stomach to check
So he called to him, “Dan, did you make it?
Could you maybe give some little sign?”
He said, “Thank you, king, for thinkin’ ‘bout me I’m alive and doin’ fine!”
Woaah!
CHORUS
*NOTE: Pronounce it “Dah-RIE-us” when singing this song.
328
Listening After Midnight
Parody of:
“Living After Midnight” by Judas Priest
Glenn Tipton, Rob Halford & K.K. Downing
Bible References:
Acts 20:7-12
J’s Journal:
Eutychus gives a play-by-play account of his death
and subsequent resurrection by the Apostle Paul
(through the power of the Holy Spirit) in Acts
20, after he fell three stories from a window
ledge. Of course, it all started when he fell asleep
during a sermon, something we can all relate to! I
used to sing the original version of this song in a
neighborhood band my freshman year in college.
The original version of this parody (same theme
with mostly different words) appeared on our
Parable Guy cassette back in 1992.
Listenin’ after midnight, watchin’ till I yawn
Learnin’ till I’m snoring, then I’m gone, I’m gone
I took a seat upon the window ledge (boldly, slowly)
I’m three floors up and on the edge (holy moly)
I come to church and they preach all night
That’s why I may be droopy-eyed
CHORUS
That preacher Paul is lecturing still (code red, code red)
He needs to take a sleeping pill (go to bed, go to bed)
While Paul’s a-preaching, I’m half awake
It’s morning, Reverend, take a break!
CHORUS
I’m leanin’ forward, I’m fallin’ floorward
My body’s tumblin’ – Oh, I died in the fall!
The resurrection’s starting now (for me, for me)
I’m guessin’ God gave Paul the power (glory, glory)
He saved my life and then dove in
The boy starts teaching us again
Lecturin’ after midnight, talkin’ till the dawn
Leavin’ in the morning, then he’s gone, all gone
It’s in Acts 20, I am Eutychus
Love to tell the story, and it’s ‘cause I was
Livin’ after midnight, God can do it all
Life is never boring when there’s God
329
Little Esther
Parody of:
“Little Sister” by Elvis Presley
Doc Pomus & Mort Shuman
Bible References:
The Book of Esther
J’s Journal:
Esther is one of those books in the Bible that
always whizzes past for me, because it’s so actionpacked. Even though it’s the only book of the Bible
that doesn’t specifically mention God, you can see
God’s hand of provision and deliverance throughout
the story. Esther’s cousin and guardian, Mordecai,
alludes to that when he tells Esther, “For if you
remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for
the Jews will arise from another place, but you and
your father’s family will perish. And who knows but
that you have come to your royal position for such
a time as this?” (Esther 4:14). The first time I ever
heard the song “Little Sister” was a “live” version
by Robert Plant and Rockpile on a benefit album
organized by Paul McCartney. I didn’t think much of
it, even though I was big fans of both of those artists.
When I heard Elvis’s original version, however, I
was blown away. I already knew and liked many of
Elvis’s more-famous hits, but “Little Sister” had such
a cool sound! This may be the best-sounding track
on the whole Isn’t Wasn’t Ain’t CD. The doorbell gag
in the third verse was cute – and fun to do “live.”
I also like Keith Harrold’s drums. This song came
after “That Daughter” on the original cassette, as
well as the re-release CD. There was a misprint on
the cassette, however, so it said “That Daughter
Little Esther,” as if that were one song!
Little Esther was the one
Little Esther was the one
Little Esther was the Persian king’s wife
She risked her own life for everyone
Little Esther had to do what she knew must be done
Now in the days of Media Persia
Esther was the queen
The king was Ahasuerus
But Esther was a Jewess
And the best he’d ever seen
CHORUS
Now there came a man named Haman
The king’s prime minister
He planned the destruction
Of all Jewish persons
But he didn’t count on her
CHORUS
Now the king was in his chamber
But Esther came right in
She wasn’t allowed to
But she knew she had to
And she saved us all from death
CHORUS
330
Little-Read Bible Book
Parody of:
“Lil’ Red Riding Hood” by Sam the Sham & the
Pharaohs
Ronald Blackwell
Bible References:
Matthew 7:15-18, 24:11; Acts 20:29-31; Mark
13:22; 2 Peter 2:1; 2 John 1:7-11
J’s Journal:
A big, bad wolf in sheep’s clothing describes how
he goes about discouraging people from reading
the Bible. The Bible warns about wolves in sheep’s
clothing – false teachers and false prophets – in
26 out of the 27 New Testament books (that’s a
lot better ratio than the 4 out of 5 dentists who
recommend Trident for their patients who chew
gum!). Only Philemon doesn’t have such a warning,
and that’s only one chapter long and deals with a
totally different topic. I got the original idea and
lyrics for this parody back in 1996 around the time
of “Sweet Oholibamah,” but they both sat in the
vaults till 2003. I revamped some of the lyrics to
make them rhyme better with the original and flow
better. In fact, I completed the last revised lines on
my way to the hospital with my wife to deliver our
third daughter, Kelly, on October 1, 2003! Don’t
worry; we weren’t hurrying. They had scheduled
to induce labor. Lisa was calm and conscious as I
sang the final lyrics to her. I thought this song was a
nice counterpart to “Baa! We’re Lambs” from Grace
Period, and a nice companion to “Get Found Tonight”
on Adam Up. I was sheepish about having so many
songs about similar topics, but nobody ever came up
to me and said, “Ewe, that’s too many!”
Who’s that I see not doin’ any good?
Why it’s a little-read Bible book!
Hey there, little-read Bible book, you sure have been forsook
You’re never read, so big bad wolves can roam. Literally!
Little-read Bible book, I don’t think many people look
So we’re walkin’ in and making ourselves at home
Owwr! What big lies we have!
We come as spies disguised as lambs
But if they’d read just an open page
I think they all could spot the wolves far away
What truth Scripture has! It’s sure to warn if someone’s bad
So before they understand God’s grace
I think I ought to lock you up in a safe
I’m gonna keep my sheep suit on
And I’ll assure them nothing’s wrong
And you can get dusty and they all can leave you alone
Owwr! Little-read Bible book, I’d like to quote you, yes I would
But first I’ll change me a thing or two on my own
Owwr! What if these parts I add
A word or two, nothing big
Little-read Bible book – even bad news can seem good
I’ll try a little cyanide, just enough to slide on by
Maybe they’ll swallow things I say
Before they get to that odd taste
Little-read Bible book, I’m sure their goose is cooked
They never read in the big black book at all
Owwr! That’s too bad – Baaad
331
Little Sins
Parody of:
“Little Things” by Bush
Gavin Rossdale
Bible References:
James 2:10, Matthew 5:17-30
J’s Journal:
Don’t ask me how it is that I wind up writing
so many songs based on the Epistle of James.
That’s a hard book for me, too! But on Ticked,
we wound up with back-to-back songs based on
James 2. I thought it was cute that one was called
“Big Deal” and the other was “Little Sins.” This
song is based on James 2:10, which says, “For
whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles
at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it.” In
Matthew 5:17-30, Jesus expounds upon two sins,
murder and adultery, and by the time He’s done
talking we realize that all of us are murderers and
adulterers to some extent. Just imagine how guilty
we’d feel if Jesus had taken the time to expound
upon the other eight commandments.
Now Jesus Christ never did like
Folks who’d done wrong but swore they’d done right
Sinning is bound to happen to you
But prayer can repair whatever you do
But hypocrites don’t want to admit they need saved
Make the suggestion they punch in your face
They die by the law and you’d be dead, too
If you would try live out all its rules
Those who want to keep the law – must obey
But it’s the little sins that kill – turn it back to James 2:10
It’s the little sins that kill – the little sins that kill
There goes a girl – her figure is great
You’re lustin’ inside but you guess that’s O.K.
I’d call it adultery – and Jesus did, too
Matthew 5:28 – you always knew
All of us have fallen down – by the way
It’s the little sins that kill – turn it back to James again
It’s the little sins that kill – second chapter, James, verse 10
Oh, the little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little
Letter of the law letter of the law letter of the law letter of the law
Now watch your mouth – it really gets rude
I’m an idiot to ya, I’m a nincompoop, you said
You kill with words – it’s really a sin
‘cause verbal abuse – is murder, my friend
CHORUS
Here come the little sins, here come the little ahhhhhh sins!
332
Lived the Day You Died
Parody of:
“Love the Way You Lie” by Eminem featuring
Rihanna
Marshall Mathers, Alexander Grant & Holly
Hafermann
Bible References:
Matthew 2:11; Mark 15:23; John 11:49-52, 19:39;
Isaiah 53:1-12; Ephesians 2:8-9; Titus 3:4-7
J’s Journal:
This is a modern-day story of amazing grace in the
form of a rap duet. We debuted this parody live at our
20th-anniversary concert with Heather Haff singing
the female vocals, and that performance is recorded
on the 20:20 CD and DVD. On Hot Potato Soup, my
oldest daughter, Janna, sings the vocals. I got the
chorus first, in January 2012, I think, and I knew that
was a gift from God. I remember writing some of the
first verse on the way to a concert in Ambridge, PA
in March 2012 and some more en route to a concert
in Uniontown, PA in July 2012. But the bulk of the
song was written during a family trip to my in-laws’
in Kentucky the following week. I think I finished it
up on a trip to my parents’ house in late July 2012.
Don’t understand why they brought You myrrh
But that’s all right because I like Your day of birth
Don’t understand why You’d heal, me, Christ
But that’s all right because I lived the day You died
I lived the day You died
I can’t tell you what a thrill it is
Like in bowling when you got your first strike
It’s like now I’m hitchhiking on the turnpike
I broke free from doin’ life, now it’s midnight
Then God comes along with a ride, invites me inside
I offer stuff to compensate
He doesn’t want no payment – says, Brother, it’s all be covered
It’s tough to take – I say, Lord, I’m a lousy clown, why’d You stop to save me
You must be crazy, man, I’m such a waste
Where we goin’? I’m redeeming you – no you ain’t
I’m bad, and someone like that can’t become a saint
It’s too ingrained – He said, there’s no one good – you’re goin’ straight
I took command, and I’m winnin’ you back – your soul is saved
But, Lord, my past was awful, I feel so estranged
I’m trapped – Who trapped you? I don’t see no ball and chain
I laid hands on you – you’ll never do this alone again
I guess you don’t know the Lord’s grace
CHORUS
You know, they struck His body so much
He could breathe when they hit Him
But Jesus, He did not refuse, even though they whipped Him
Not a warm, fuzzy feeling, gettin’ killed just for livin’
Like He’s some punk they didn’t know from Adam
The Lord, He said, forgive ‘em
When they did those things to hurt Him
Though they spit upon His face and invented stuff to curse and convict Him
They plucked out his facial hair
Laughed while givin’ Him a thorny crown
Pinned Him to a cross in the Roman mannerism
Yet they gave Him a cold drink to cope with though
Something infinitesimal, a gesture made
Guess that they didn’t know that in their painkilling recipe
Something was left over from a different day
One that came with frankincense and gold
It was embalmer’s myrrh
Mixed with wine – He still refrained
You don’t get it, Wonder Man, Christ was not immune to pain
But it’s not in vain
Now the rest of us receive God’s forgiveness
Guess that’s why they say “no pain no gain”
CHORUS
Now I know I said things, did things that were pretty mean
333
Lived the Day You Died (cont.)
Parody of:
“Love the Way You Lie” by Eminem featuring
Rihanna
Marshall Mathers, Alexander Grant & Holly
Hafermann
Bible References:
Matthew 2:11; Mark 15:23; John 11:49-52, 19:39;
Isaiah 53:1-12; Ephesians 2:8-9; Titus 3:4-7
J’s Journal:
(see previous page)
And we fall back to the days of Adam and days of Eve
But Your temptation was bad as mine is, from A to Z
Yet You never flunked the test like I did
You made it clean somehow
They cussed at You, nailed You to a tree
Maybe it was Satan just shiftin’ the blame to You from me
Maybe that’s what happens when some fourth graders meet with Darth Vader
All I know is the devil’s too much for us to face now
The Messiah picked up my tab ‘cause He died for all
Though I see sin starin’ me in my face when I fall
Though I’m just a slimeball
Took me in when I called
Yes, I’m enlistin’ as a Christian disciple
Guess it’s time here for me to testify
I will follow Christ even through my lowest times
“Cause I know I became righteous from the fact I know my Messiah
If the devil tries to sucker me again
I’m a try and do my best to just renounce that liar
Don’t understand why they brought You myrrh
But that’s all right because I like Your day of birth
Don’t understand why You’d heal, me, Christ
But that’s all right because I lived the day You died
334
Livin’ What Jesus Spoke Of
Parody of:
“Livin’ la Vida Loca” by Ricky Martin
R. Rosa & Desmond Child
Bible References:
John 3:3, Revelation 3:20
J’s Journal:
So you think “the wild life” is wild? Try living for
Christ. I think my two favorite lines in this song are
“Christ’s real – He ain’t religion” and “He’ll make
you take your cross up and go stand against the
grain.” I got the idea for this parody while driving by
myself from Maryland back to Pennsylvania. I really
like the way the final track turned out. People have
asked what I’m saying at the beginning of the song.
I believe it’s, “Did you ever wonder if Adam and Eve
were In A Gadda Da Vida Loca?” Ricky Martin and
Iron Butterfly ... a match made in Heaven.
He’s been through crucifixion
That cat’s been through it all
Christ’s real; He ain’t religion
God’s Word’s gonna save your soul
He’s into new creation
Proved it when He came alive
He’s God – are you a Christian?
Forget those pagan lies
He’ll make you take your cross up
And go stand against the grain
He’ll make you leave this crazy life
But He’ll take away your shame
If you’re truly born again – C’mon
Let Christ in right now
Livin’ what Jesus spoke of
Don’t pussyfoot around
Livin’ what Jesus spoke of
You’ll live forever then
And your sins He will dispose of
He will bail you out
Livin’ what Jesus spoke of (3x)
Wake up, you know you’re sinnin’
And it’s fun till it leads to hell
He took your part and He took your punishment
He wants to save me and you as well
Your newer nature’s goin’ to make your older friends complain
But once you have a faith in Him you’ll never be the same
Cause I think you’re gonna change – C’mon
CHORUS
He’ll make you take your cross up
And go stand against the grain
He’ll make you leave this crazy life
But He’ll take away your shame
Bite the bullet and get saved – C’mon
CHORUS
335
Lock
Parody of:
“Walk” by The Foo Fighters
Dave Grohl
Bible References:
Hebrews 7:24; Romans 8:29, 11:29
J’s Journal:
This song is from the perspective of a person who
seemingly walked away from the faith but is now
coming back to Christ. As he gets closer, he realizes
Jesus never actually went away. As Romans 11:29
says, “for God’s gifts and his call are irrevocable.”
It’s called “Lock” because he’s unlocking the door to
let the light back in. We hope that this song provides
hope for those who feel estranged from the Lord and
those who know people in that situation. I know
some people like that, and I tried to imagine what
it would be like for them coming back. This song is
really powerful when we play it live. I missed You while I was away
You sent so many Christians to woo me – they were spurned
They think I’ve lost my faith
‘Cause they couldn’t win me over at the time when I was burned
Turning the lock again
I believe I may just open up, let the light back in
Turning to God again
Can’t you see I’ve wasted long enough in a life of sin
I do remember the days
I felt my faith move mountains then sadly watched it burst
I think I found Your grace
‘Cause I feel I’m growing stronger with each Bible verse
I believe I may just open up, let the light back in
I believe I’ve wasted long enough in a life of sin
Now
I was scared the first time
But You changed my mind
Set me free from sin
To Jesus Christ: I’ve failed so many times
You’re still inside – I was wrong to deny it
The sacrifice that only You provide
I first declined but now I say You’re right
I won’t retreat, I’m stayin’ by Your side
Together, forever – I’ve severed all my ties
I’m never gonna die, I’m never runnin’ dry
Like Romans reads – 11:29
I’m standing on Your grace
I’m runnin’ to Messiah
Together, forever in Heaven we’ll reside
I never will believe another stinkin’ lie
The devil is clever, but Heaven is better
I believe I may just open up to Your light within
And I see I’ve wasted long enough in a life of sin
I believe I may just open up
And I see I’ve wasted long enough
336
Look Yourself
Parody of:
“Lose Yourself” by Eminem
M. Mathers, J. Bass & L. Resto
Bible References:
Matthew 13:57; Mark 6; John 4:44; Romans 3:10,
3:23, 5:8, 6:23, 8:1, 10:9, 10:13; 1 Corinthians
1:18, 3:19; James 1:23-25
J’s Journal:
The story of one man’s salvation experience and the
obstacles he encounters as he attempts to share
his newfound faith with family and old friends.
As Eminem’s original is loosely an account of his
own life as a rapper, so this is song is basically
an account of my life when I first became a bornagain Christian. I got the idea for this song in early
2003, but I didn’t really work on it intensively until
a few months later. That’s when I started to focus
specifically on it, and I wrote it over the course of
many car trips to the bank (about 45 minutes away)
with my daughter Heather, who was a baby at the
time. In addition to the line about “Welcome Back
Kotter,” I originally had a line earlier in the song
saying “Look, there’s no cavities” (referring to an
old toothpaste commercial). Long after I finished
the lyrics, but before we released our version,
“Weird Al” released his parody of the song, “Couch
Potato” on his Poodle Hat album. I bought it the
day it came out and my wife and I listened to it in
the car. We couldn’t believe it when we heard him
say “Look, Ma, no cavities.” I said to my wife, “I’ll
bet he throws ‘Welcome Back Kotter’ into the mix,
too, since this is a song about T.V. shows.” Sure
enough, he did. I was sick. Those were two of my
favorite lines in the song. That same day, I hurriedly
wrote a letter to Bermuda Schwartz (Al’s drummer)
to tell him how Al and I had both come up with two
(continued on next page)
Look, if you have one God and one offer of eternity
That exceeds everything you’ve ever wanted, with one opponent
Would you ask for it ... or just let it slip? Yo
He parks his Chevy, needs sleep, heart is heavy
He’s thought about repentin’ already, sun is setting
This church is not having service it looks almost dead as he
Drops by but they keep on the electric
What a ghost town, he knelt down, don’t know how
He opens his mouth just the word “Help” comes out
He’s broken down, yet his heart is open now
The lost one’s found, winds up homeward bound
Heads back to his family – Look who’s home, daddy
And, look, he’s so happy, he chose his own path but he
Won’t give up babbling, he broke his old habits they
Don’t seem so bad to me, hope it’s some fad like new Coke or Shaun Cassidy
Don’t need no radical holy-rollin’ masochist quotin’ old passages
That’s what’ll happen then, though, he’ll go fanatic-y
Better go batten the hatches and hope it don’t last
You’d better look yourself in the mirror
You know that you wanted to get to Heaven when you’re old
Do you really want God or not? Is it yes or no?
It’s awful soon you say, but what is the right time?
You’d better look yourself in the book since you own it
In Romans, you never read it yet I know
You only get one shot to God, here’s your chance to know
His offer to you may come once in your lifetime
His soul’s been saved even though his whole family’s gaping
This world is blinded by Satan – they can’t see
As he moves forward – it’s true George Orwell
The moral of the story is truth’s ignored, emotion’s most important
He’ll only cause problems, the Holy Ghost got him
He blows him all over, he knows the call’s on him
Goes to go show his bros at his Alma Mater, “Welcome Back, Kotter”
They know he’s just one of their own, so don’t bother
Said, “Go home you barely know the Our Father”
Well hold the phones cause he knows it holds water
If those don’t want him no more he’ll go farther
And he moved on and he read the Romans Road
Till he knows it cold and shows others
He’s on his soap box and his tone becomes bold, I suppose he’s no martyr
But the weak grows strong and the dumb becomes smarter
CHORUS
No more names, I’ve been changed, but you call it strange
To tell my mother ‘n father truth off the true God’s page
I was saying if you’ve been sinning pursue God’s grace
I’ve been shooed off and spit at like Rudolph the Reindeer
But I kept shinin’ a lamplight that I can’t stifle,
337
Look Yourself (cont.)
Parody of:
“Lose Yourself” by Eminem
M. Mathers, J. Bass & L. Resto
Bible References:
Matthew 13:57; Mark 6; John 4:44; Romans 3:10,
3:23, 5:8, 6:23, 8:1, 10:9,10:13; 1 Corinthians
1:18, 3:19; James 1:23-25
You best believe somebody paid for my revival
Call the name of Christ and go find a Bible
Fact is I can’t deny that I’m liable
To die if my plans collide with life’s iceberg
Like the Titanic ‘cause man needs God and you can’t go buy a lifeboat
And it’s no movie; there’s no surprise survivors
This is high tide and you’re tryin’ to row hard
And you’re hittin’ deeper waters tryin’ to flee piranhas I see
Plus seaweed’s got ya caught up between PBJ Otter and Bikini Bottom
Babe it’s not a submarine you’re on and you must believe the Son
He’ll save you on the spot, He’s comin’ ready or not
I’ve got to be to the point just like a nail on the cross
I formerly was lost, horrendously frail and fraught
With questions I know how Mother Hubbard’s dog felt – famine, drought
Mom, I love you but this world has got to know
I cannot grow cold when Hell is hot
So please don’t go into shock, let the family talk
This way is their only opportunity to find God
CHORUS
You can do anything if He gets inside you, man
J’s Journal:
(continued from previous page)
of the same lines. I wanted to make sure he (and
any other Al fans) knew that we hadn’t copied Al.
I eventually deleted the “Look there’s no cavities”
line and replaced it with something else, but I kept
the “Welcome Back Kotter” line, because it was the
exact sentiment that I wanted for that part of the
song – the idea of a guy going back to his old school
as a changed man and having to deal with people
who didn’t believe he’d really changed.
338
Lost and Found
Parody of:
“Round and Round” by Ratt
Robbin Crosby, Warren DeMartini & Stephen
Pearcy
Bible References:
Genesis 3; Luke 15:1-32, 19:10; Romans 5:10;
Revelation 13:8
J’s Journal:
I was listening to a big collection of 80’s songs
for ideas in the fall of 1999, when Ratt’s “Round
and Round” came on. I got the lines “Adam and Eve
were wearing leaves,” “God knew right from the
beginning that you would end up sinning,” and a
few others (including the title), and I knew we had
a song there. I wrote down those lines in one of
the journals in which I scribble my thoughts, and it
waited there for almost 10 years. Once Tinch joined
the band in late 2008, we had somebody who knew
how to play the original song well, and with Tom
Milnes by his side, we had the twin-guitar attack
we needed for this one. Revelation 13:8 speaks of
Jesus as “the Lamb who was slain from the creation
of the world.” God knew what was going to happen
when He put Adam and Eve in the garden, and He
knew we would need a savior. And Jesus summed
up His mission this way: “For the Son of Man came
to seek and to save the lost” (Luke 19:10). In fact,
in Luke 15, Jesus gave a series of three parables –
the lost sheep, the lost coin, and the lost son – that
all have the “lost and found” theme. As I heard a
preacher say many years ago, there’s only one thing
that sheep, coin, and son had in common: they were
all lost. And that’s the basic qualification needed to
come to Jesus. Of course, when men are lost, it’s
hard to get them to ask for directions, but if we
put aside our pride, Jesus will show us the way,
because He is the Way (John 14:6). Adam and Eve were wearin’ leaves
Seekin’ to hide because they bought the lie
Tightened their belts, excused themselves
God said, Away! I’ll put you somewhere else
I’m gonna make another way
You’re gonna go but then I’ll see you again
You’ll have it rough, I’ve said enough
Someday you’ll see
God knew right from the beginning
That you would end up sinning
He knew right from the start
The human error in our hearts
Lost and found – we’re lost-a but He just seeks and finds
Lost and found – when God’s around, grace abounds
I’ll tell you why
Lookin’ at Luke, chapter 19
Verse 10 it shows, you know, that Jesus said He
Would seek and find the lost of mankind
‘Cause God ordained
It in the fullness of time
Like Romans shows if you will check
Chapter 5 verse 10 His grace it thrives
When bad stuff is addin’ up
God’s grace excels
CHORUS
Adam and Eve were wearin’ leaves
Seekin’ to hide because they bought the lie
Tightened their belts, excused themselves
God made a way – but sendin’ Someone else
Lost and found ...
339
Love (Ain’t Nothin’)
Parody of:
“Long Train Runnin’ ” by The Doobie Brothers
Tom Johnston
Bible References:
1 Corinthians 13, 1 John 4:10-21, 2 John 1:6,
Proverbs 31:10-31, Song of Solomon 8:6-7
J’s Journal:
With an original song that uses the words “without
love” over and over again, it was a no-brainer to
make this song about 1 Corinthians 13, and how
we’re nothing without love. This song was actually
originally on our Radical History Tour cassette, but
it didn’t fit on the CD due to time constraints, and
we felt it was one of the weaker tracks, because
the band speeds up so dramatically throughout our
version – it feels like a roller coaster ride! But it’s
still a great way to learn the properties of love as
described in 1 Corinthians 13, plus other things
mentioned in that chapter, so when we released
the director’s cut of Isn’t Wasn’t Ain’t and had
room for two extra songs, we decided to include
this one. Later, we revisited this theme on Grace
Period with the song “Corinthians.”
Down in First Corinthians
Chapter 13:1
Paul says it don’t matter
If I speak with tongues
Without love ... I’m nothin’ at all
And if I have the gift of prophecy
And know all mysteries
And I have all knowledge and a mountain-moving faith
Without love
I’ll give you the essentials
That’s love and hope and faith
Now these three things abideth, but
Love is the most great
Without love
It’s patient, kind – not jealous
Not proud, nor arrogant
It doesn’t act unbecomingly
Doesn’t seek its own, and yet
Without love
It’s not provoked and doesn’t
Take wrongs into account
Does not rejoice in unrighteousness
But when the truth comes out
Without love
Oooh ... what would you be now?
Nothin’!
Oooh ...
Bears, believes, hopes and endures all things and never fails
I said it never fails
Without love you ain’t nothin’
Without love you ain’t nothin’
340
Love & Kisses
Parody of:
“Rock and Roll All Night” by Kiss
Paul Stanley & Gene Simmons
Bible References:
Deuteronomy 6:5, Matthew 22:36-38,
Mark 12:28-30
You know Moses and the things of God
The 10 Commandments and the Jewish laws
You try to find which one’s the greatest
You say you wanna know where it is
It’s part of Deuteronomy chapter 6
You try verse five; you’ll find it baby
You read about it
You need to shout it
I love the Lord with all my might
My heart and everything (4X)
The people came to Jesus Christ for a while
They looked for answers and they liked His style
You tell us, Christ, which law’s the greatest?
“Love the Lord with everything you’ve got,”
Jesus said, “Well, that’s My first law
“Do all this while you love your neighbor.”
Don’t even doubt it
You need to shout it
CHORUS
J’s Journal:
In Deuteronomy 6:5, it says, “Love the LORD your
God with all your heart and with all your soul and
with all your strength.” Almost a millennium and a
half later, Jesus referred to this verse when asked
what the greatest commandment was. I thought it
would be amusing to take this classic party anthem
and turn it into a song about living for God. I think I
wrote it during the six months or so we took off in the
second half of 1997, because we started playing it
soon after we came back in January 1998. Then we
released it on Jesus Christ Morningstar at the end
of that year. I used to do spontaneous hand motions
while I sang this song live, and I noticed that people
in the audience were copying them, so we started
teaching the motions to people before we’d play it
in concert. We’ve long since handed those duties
over to our bass player, Keith Haynie, who was the
band’s biggest Kiss fan until Jimmy “Vegas” Tanner
took over on drums. Kiss did a studio version first
and then released an even-better live version, so we
thought we’d try the same on New & Used Hits.
341
Love the Jews
Parody of:
“Love Me Do” by The Beatles
Bible References:
Romans 9-11, Psalm 122:6
God loves the Jews
You know I have proof
Our Lord was one too
So please ... love the Jews
John was a Jew
And Mark and Matthew
They all were but Luke
So please love the Jews
Someone may want – some Bible proof
Romans 10:1, 11:2
James was a Jew
Peter and Andrew
And Bartholomew
So please ... love the Jews
Paul was a Jew
Read Romans 9:2
The whole way straight through
Verse 3 ... love the Jews
J’s Journal:
One of the most horrible tragedies in history is the
persecution of Jews that has been done (and still is
done by some anti-Semitic groups) in the name of
Christianity. Of course, so-called Christians aren’t
the only group to persecute the Jews, but that is
no excuse. Christians worship Jesus Christ, who
came to Earth as a Jew. All of the original Apostles
were Jews. Twenty-five of the 27 books of the
New Testament were written by Jews. And God
has not abandoned His chosen people, the Jews,
as is evidenced by Paul’s comments in Romans
9:1-5, 10:11, and 11:1-5, among others. Romans
11:25-26 says, “I do not want you to be ignorant
of this mystery, brothers, so that you may not be
conceited: Israel has experienced a hardening in
part until the full number of the Gentiles has come
in. And so all Israel will be saved, as it is written:
‘The deliverer will come from Zion; he will turn
godlessness away from Jacob.’ ” In fact, there are
many Jewish people who are giving their hearts to
Christ in our times. Before I moved to Pittsburgh, I
was a member of a church where one of the pastors
was also a messianic Jew. In fact, we even know
one Jewish person who says God used our parody
“Life Restored” to bring him to Christ. This was one
of the most effortless lyric-writing experiences I
ever had. It was like God plopped it down into my
lap. I was upstairs in my bedroom putting clothes in
my dresser when the inspiration hit.
342
L.S.F.
Parody of:
“Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” by The Beatles
Bible References:
Acts 1:1-12
J’s Journal:
This tune takes a look at Jesus’ Ascension into
Heaven as described in Acts 1, Luke 24, and Mark
16; and His future return from Heaven to earth as
described in 1 Thessalonians 4 and 1 Corinthians
15. I know the chorus is corny, but I couldn’t resist.
I remember pulling into the parking lot at Station
Square in Pittsburgh on my way to work in early
1996 with a big smile on my face.
Picture yourself on the Mount called Olivet
You’re standin’ with Jesus ... a marvelous time
Then while you talk He begins to rise slowly
And gives you His final goodbyes
Aeroplane flyers were seldomly seen
Down in Jerusalem then
Look for the Lord with the sun in your eyes and He’s gone!
Lookee, in the sky, He’s flyin’!
Lookee, in the sky, He’s flyin’!
Lookee, in the sky, He’s flyin’! Ohhhh
Following that there appear on the mountain
A couple of angels in garments so white
“Ye men of Galilee,” they say, “please tell us
How come you still stare at the sky?
Soon He’ll be back, He’ll appear as before
Where He was taken away
When He comes back, He’ll descend through the clouds.” Then they’re gone!
Lookee, in the sky, you’ll find Him!
Lookee, in the sky, you’ll find Him!
Lookee, in the sky, you’ll find Him! Ohhhh
Scripture foretells of a day we’ll be taken
“The Rapture,” they call it – it’s looking like time
Suddenly trumpets declare His return while
The church will arise to go with Christ
Lookee, in the sky, we’re flyin’!
Lookee, in the sky, we’re flyin’!
Lookee, in the sky, we’re flyin’! Ohhhh
343
Magdalena
Parody of:
“Macarena (Bayside Boys Mix)” by Los Del Rio
Rafael Ruiz Perdigones & Antonio Romero Monge
Bible References:
Mark 16:9; John 20:1-18; Luke 8:2
J’s Journal:
Over 500 different people would see Jesus alive in
the 40 days after His resurrection – enough to MAX
out a small ARENA – but Mary Magdalene was #1
on the list. This song relates that encounter and the
skeptical reaction of the Apostles. But once Peter
and John saw the empty grave, they couldn’t dance
around the facts. There are quite a few other ladies
named Mary in the New Testament, including Jesus’
mother, Lazarus and Martha’s sister, James and
Joseph’s mother, Clopas’ wife, John Mark’s mother,
and a lady in the church at Rome. Mary Magdalene
got her name from her hometown of Magdala, a city
on the coast of the Sea of Galilee. The Bible says she
became one of Christ’s followers after he cast seven
demons from her (Luke 8:2). The song we spoofed
here, “Macarena (Bayside Boys Remix),” was the #1
song the week this parody’s lead singer, my daughter
Janna, was born! I wrote the lyrics sometime in
1997, never imagining that my little bundle of joy
would grow up to sing it. Janna wasn’t always
joyful back then, either; she had colic as a baby,
so I used to carry and rock her for extended periods
of time while singing song after song. I don’t think
I ever sang her this one, though. Based on my track
record singing female vocals on early ApologetiX
recordings, that’s probably for the best.
If by chance they call me Magdalena
It’s because of the place from where I came-a
I’m called Mary, I’m one of many
So I’ll tell you the place to find me
Mark 16, John 20
And Magdala’s the name of my city
Mark 16, John 20
And Magdala’s the name of my city
All the apostles said, We hear you, Magdalena
You’re the first to see Christ
Since the day he passed away now
How are we s’posed to believe in what you say now?
Hey, Magdalena!
REPEAT
Now don’t you worry about the Lord, friends
Although He seemed to be finito
Hah! I know one thing, He’s still standing
It does no good to cry – - LAUGHTER
Now c’mon!
What was I supposed to do?
He was out of the tomb
And his true friends were still crying!
CHORUS
I’ll remind you, my name is Magdalena
I was exorcised of seven demons but I’m free now
Christ saved me, and delivered me
And so I felt I should support His ministry
CHORUS
344
Mama Told Me (What’s to Come)
Parody of:
“Mama Told Me (Not to Come)” by Three Dog
Night
Steve Miller, A. Ertegun, E. Curtis & Chip Taylor
Bible References:
Leviticus 20:27; Deuteronomy 18:10-12, 29:29
J’s Journal:
If the truth be told, my mama and I butt heads on a
few theological issues, but we love each other, and
she’s a big supporter of the band ... even has her
own ApologetiX t-shirt. Furthermore, she was the
one who first encouraged me to read the Bible, pay
attention to sermons in church, listen to Jesus Christ
Superstar, watch the movie Jesus of Nazareth, and
a bunch of other steps in my walk with God. One
of the Biblical concepts I remember her imparting
when I was just a wee lad was, “Don’t go to fortune
tellers.” Back then, “psychics” was a fairly new
term. Anyway, God told the Israelites long ago
not to consort with mediums, spiritists, fortune
tellers, etc. (Leviticus 20:27, Deuteronomy 18:1012, 29:29), and that theme is consistent through
the time of King Saul (1 Samuel 28) to the Apostle
Paul (Acts 16). I have a good friend who has a good
friend who spent an unbelievable amount of money
calling psychics, and that’s what finally inspired me
to write this parody, although it’s a lesson that both
Christians and non-Christians should learn.
Want some gypsies in your wallet? Sugar, can’t you see?
What’s on this T.V. station is blasphemy
I think the craziest part is that celebrity
Don’t turn on the psychics – I don’t wanna see
God has told me what’s to come
That ain’t the way that it’s done – no, uh uh
You’re phonin’ up the weirdos – get some prayer into this room
Their crystal ball is broken – but there’s still a spell on you
And that psychic friend you spoke with – has sales he has to get
Open up your wallet, sucker – credit, cash or check?!!
That ain’t the way that it’s done, son
I’ve read the Revelation – oh yeah!
They don’t know what’s happ’nin’ – someone’s knockin’ at the door
You’re lookin’ for a real friend – He’s passed this way before
They’ve seen so many things – but they ain’t never seen the Lord
And if you don’t repent – you ain’t gonna see Him no more
He said, that ain’t the way that it’s done, son
Don’t mess with divination
God has told me lots of phonies gonna come who wanna snow me
With divination – whoa yeah yeah
God has told me not to talk with a diviner
God has told me ... the truth
CHORUS
345
Man on a Cross
Parody of:
“Man in a Box” by Alice in Chains
Jerry Cantrell, Sean Kinney, Layne Staley &
Mike Starr
I am a man on a cross – perishin’ in my sin
Won’t You kindly save me, please save me
Please, I cry – can You show me love?
Jesus Christ – can I be saved, sir?
He replies – you’ll be with Me
In Paradise – now you’re goin’ up
High on a cross with this thief – struck for those in sin
Won’t You kindly save me, please save me
See that sky – Heaven’s opened up
Jesus Christ – Divine Redeemer
He who dies – will be raised yet
We will rise – now we’re goin’ up
See me I’m crucified – death for both of us
(With) Jesus Christ – we died together
Read between the lines – in Galatians
He redeemed my life – now we’re goin’ up
Bible References:
Luke 23:39-43, Romans 6:6, Galatians 2:20
J’s Journal:
Jesus wasn’t the only one crucified on Calvary the
day He died; there were criminals on His left and
right. One repented and one didn’t. This is the story
of the one who asked for mercy and received it –
one of my favorite stories in the Bible. And like the
repentant criminal, Galatians 2:20 says we who
trust in Jesus have also been crucified with Christ
and no longer live, but Christ lives in us. I wrote
the original lyrics sometime between 1995-97 and
we planned to put it on Future Tense in 2007, but
all of the original bass and drums we’d recorded
were lost, so it had to wait till Hot Potato Soup six
years later. It was worth the wait.
346
Manger
Parody of:
"Angel" by Shaggy featuring Rayvon
Steve Miller, A. Ertegun, E. Curtis & Chip Taylor
Bible References:
Luke 2:7
J’s Journal:
This is one of two Christmas-oriented tunes
(“Christmasnite” is the other) from Keep the Change,
and both were also included on our short-lived
Christmas EP. “Manger” tells the Christmas story
from the perspective of the now-forgotten person
who hooked Mary and Joseph up with the “stable
environment” in which Jesus was born. I wasn’t
sure if the idea was strong enough when I first came
up with it, but my wife convinced me to run with it.
I remember working on it in the early stages at a
roller skating rink near Nashville TN.
Girl, use my manger for your darling angel
Cozier than my sheep you ought to be, Mary
Showed you my stable – for my farming animals
Girl, you must spend the night with these, maybe
Life is one big party when there’s children
But whose gonna have a bed for your small son?
It’s all good that you’re little one’s near but
Can’t find a room – crud! Water broke and now what?
You can rush out to the place I mentioned
Spend the night save the money for the rent and
Keep him there through your entire vacation
You won’t need reservations – my barn’s pretty vacant
Girl, use my manger for your darling baby
Over where Bo Peep would want to be, Mary
Sure, use my stable – it’s a charming place and
Girl you’ll make friends with cows and sheep, maybe
Sure it’s clean and that’s how you should be treated
Though you’d better get another one in Egypt
Ruler of Bethlehem is conceited
Take it from me kid: if he comes, beat it!
But he’s not gonna come tonight; there’s no problem
Not till talkin’ to some wise men; Herod’s so dumb
But the free room that I have for you is ho hum
He could search for so long and still never see your son
Girl, use my manger for your darling baby
Clothe Him with white sheets or else he’ll freeze, Mary
Showed you my stable – what are all these angels?
Girl, I might end up on my knees, maybe
Girl, there’s probably gonna be a crowd
So let me see your child – He must be sent from up above
And He appears to be so tender and so nice and friendly
I think He’s givin’ me a hug
Girl, there’s probably gonna be a crowd
So let me see your child – He must be sent from up above
And He appears to be so tender and so like the shepherds
I’m thankin’ Heaven He has come
Tonight it’s one big party ‘cause it’s God’s son
But you’d better watch your back when it’s all done
It’s all good that your little one’s here but
Can’t be a fool, hon – what about the law, mon?
You can call on divine intervention
But shiny light gives you very much attention
It could lead to my incarceration
I wanna tell the nations, but I think I’ll wait some
REPEAT SECOND CHORUS, THIRD CHORUS
347
Mary’s Got a Son
Parody of:
“Janie’s Got a Gun” by Aerosmith
Steven Tyler & Tom Hamilton
Bible References:
Matthew 1:18-2:23, 11:27; Luke 1:26-56, 2:1-20,
10:22; Micah 5:2
J’s Journal:
Poor Mary. First, she was asked to maintain her
dignity while carrying a baby everyone knew
wasn’t Joseph’s, and only a select few knew it
was actually God’s Son. Second, she had to deliver
the baby during a road trip to Bethlehem, in a place
no mother would choose, with a feeding trough
as a crib. Third, she and her family would have
to flee to Egypt once Herod found out about the
new king in town. Talk about living on the edge!
The parody lyrics to this song are by far the oldest
on the CD; I wrote them back in 1995 or 1996. I
loved the words, but all the orchestration and
extra vocals made us hesitant to try it until 2013.
Once we decided on an all-new Christmas CD,
I knew this had to be part of it. Oh, Mary, honey, what have you got?
Most don’t know it’s the Son of my God
Oh, Mary, honey, what have you got?
Oh, my Lord, it’s Your Son!
Mary’s got a son – Joseph’s not the one
The whole world’s havin’ fun – Wond’rin’ how that was done
Babies need daddies too – What if it could be true?
They say when Mary was expectin’
They found it unbelievable
But man she hadn’t known
And if the baby’s God’s own Son
It ain’t really inconceivable
Mary’s got a son – Herod’s come undone
He don’t need anyone – To rule the country he’s tryin’ to run
They tell me that this guy’s cruel – What did King Herod do?
He killed the little bitty babies
The man has got to be insane
So all the males age two and under
All died and it’s a wonder
That the son she had for God escaped
Run away, run away from the king, yeah
Run away, run away, run from the king, yeah
LEAD
Mary’s got a son – and it’s not much fun
The ordeal’s just begun – And now the family is on the run
What should poor Mary do? – This baby can’t die on you
She had to take Him down to Egypt
And put her boy where He’d be safe
She said, I hope nobody sees me
The family’s got to flee
We’d be better off to leave this place!
Run away, run away, run from the king, yeah
Mary’s got a son – and He’s God’s own Son
Mary’s got a son – and everybody is gonna come (Yeahhh)
Mary’s got a son – the story’s just begun (Yeahhh)
Now everybody is gonna come (No one really knows the Father)
Because Mary’s got a son (Only Jesus Christ)
And He’s God’s own son (But His Daddy may adopt ya, but ya)
The story’s just begun (Need to see the light)
And everybody is gonna come (Yeahhh)
Mary’s got a son (Yeahhh)
Mary’s got a son (Yeahhh)
The story’s just begun (Yeahhh)
348
Matching Punches
The world is an empire – Satan’s domain
Seeks to destroy you – pull you down to the flames
And what I get? Am I afraid
To face the fire and die in Jesus’ name?
Even though I know – I’m opposed by foes
Who are cruel and cold – I feel bold
Parody of:
“Bullet with Butterfly Wings” by Smashing
Pumpkins
Billy Corgan
Bible References:
2 Timothy 1:7, 3:12-13; James 4:7; Acts 4:19-20
J’s Journal:
The Apostle Paul told his disciple Timothy that
“everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ
Jesus will be persecuted” (2 Timothy 3:12). That’s
still true today. Some will say we are too young, too
old, too extreme, too narrow. And yet, despite all this,
we are filled with a radical faith. This is one of many
songs written for the Ticked project that never made
it onto that CD. But the lyrics stuck with me over
the years, and I was so glad we could finally record
it for Apoplectic in 2014. It’s kind of like “Proving
My Religion” on steroids. It also reminds me of “Life
Restored,” an ear-splitting, anthemic, statementkind-of song that I hoped other believers could sing
to encourage themselves in tough times. Wanna
hear something funny? When I wrote this back in
1996, I was thinking of the “in spite of my age”
line as meaning “even though I’m young,” but by the
time I got to record the vocals 18 years later, I was
thinking of it as meaning “even though I’m old.” LOL
In spite of their rage I am filled with a radical faith
In spite of my age I am filled with a radical faith
And someone could say I was lost yet now I’ve been saved
Despite my mistakes I am filled with a radical faith
And I will make it – not being bullied anymore
You’d better face it – the devil wants your soul
You gotta hold on – he’ll run away
You gotta choose God – and read 4:7 James
Even though I know – I’ll expose my soul
To the cruel and cold – I feel bold
CHORUS
Tell me I’m so lowly scum
I’ll tell you ‘bout God’s only Son
Jesus loves His chosen ones
And Hell can never overcome
Jesus died for everyone – for you
CHORUS
In spite of their rage I am filled with a radical
In spite of my age I am filled with a radical
Despite my mistakes I am filled with a radical faith
Tell me I’m some lowly scum
I’ll tell you ‘bout the Father’s love
Jesus died for everyone – for you
And I still believe and I cannot be swayed
And I still believe and I am not afraid
And I still believe that a man must be brave
And I still believe that a man must be saved
349
Matthew 9
Parody of:
“I Feel Fine” by The Beatles
Bible References:
Matthew 9:9-13
J’s Journal:
All I remember about this song is that it was written
quickly and yet it was fun to sing. We wanted to tell
the story of Jesus’ calling of Matthew and remember
what chapter it was in. I feel fine with leaving it at that.
Jesus, came to me, you know,
He said, “Matthew follow me,” you know, and I did so
I wrote down the words in Matthew 9
Jesus came to dine, you know
At my table He reclined, you know, yes He did so!
I wrote down the words in Matthew 9
I wrote down the things I’d seen and heard
I’m goin’ out and tellin’ all the world
The amazing kind of things, you know
Done by the King of Kings, you know
Yes, He did so!
Jesus came to me in Matthew 9
LEAD
Jesus came to dine, you know
At my table He reclined, you know, yes He did so!
I wrote down the things I’d seen and heard
I’m goin’ out and tellin’ all the world
The amazing kind of things, you know
Done by the King of Kings, you know
Yes, He did so!
350
Maybe Madonna
Parody of:
“Lady Madonna” by The Beatles
Bible References:
Luke 7:37-50, Matthew 7:1-2, Jude 1:21-23,
J’s Journal:
I really wanted to spoof this song as “Baby Iguana”
but I just couldn’t find a way to make it biblically
relevant. When I wrote these lyrics in late 1995,
Madonna was still about the most scandalous artist
in pop music. But this parody isn’t specifically about
her. The point of this song is that no matter how
bad somebody may seem, God still could redeem
them, whether it be Madonna or Marilyn Manson
or the latest unsavory flavor of the month. We
revisited that theme in our song “Lazy Brain” in
2003. As the Apostle Paul said in 1 Timothy 1:15,
“Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full
acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to
save sinners–of whom I am the worst.” If you truly
open your heart to Jesus, all it takes is something
simple like a prayer to change your life quicker
than a ray of light. This song was recorded live at
Lazarus’ Tomb in Arnold, PA on March 9, 1996,
and was first released on a homemade cassette
called Beatleg in late 1996. I doubt we’ll ever rerecord it, although I’d cherish the thought of a
much better recording than this! Maybe Madonna
Should be asked if she
Wants to go to Heaven with you and me
Who finds it funny?
Maybe she’ll repent
If she thinks that message was Heaven sent
Try inviting her to church with you, babe
Sunday morning she might like to come
Remember how you were when Christ got you saved?
See how we judge?
Maybe Madonna
May be at the edge
Wonderin’ how a man can be freed from death
LEAD
See how we judge?
Maybe Madonna
Might be on the verge
Listen to the truth that’s written in God’s Word
MINI-LEAD
Luke says prostitutes were there repenting
When the moral people wouldn’t budge
Turn to chapter 7, read the ending
See how we judge?
Maybe Madonna
Should be asked if she
Wants to go to Heaven with you and me
351
Mediterranean Wholebook News
Parody of:
“Subterranean Homesick Blues” by Bob Dylan
Bob Dylan
Bible References:
2 Timothy 3:15-16, Nehemiah 8:8
J’s Journal:
We believe the Bible is the living Word of God, and
that all of its books are inspired and accurate in their
original form. Imagine our horror when a fan noticed
that one of the Bible’s 66 books was missing from
“Mediterranean Wholebook News” on the initial
pressings of Apol-acoustiX! Where was the book of
Nahum? We knew where it was supposed to be. It
appeared in its proper place in our original version
on the Want It Dead or Alive? cassette in 1992.
The trouble is, when we brought “Mediterranean”
back for Apol-acoustiX, I overhauled the lyrics to get
them to rhyme and flow better with Dylan’s original,
and somehow one book got lost in the mix. It was
a costly error, but we fixed the problem before the
CDs were released in stores (the only people who
got bad copies were fan club members). Then we
made replacement copies available to everybody
who purchased the faulty copy. We put identifying
markings on the revised edition, so you can spot
a faulty copy without even listening to it. The
cover of the revised edition has “That Christian
Parody Band” written under ApologetiX, while the
original cover did not. Also, on the CD itself, the
word “Whole” in “Wholebook” is bolded. Many
collectors preferred to keep their faulty copies as
collector’s items and just download a revised mp3
file we made available on the website. But this is
one case where we can’t imagine why anybody
would prefer to remain “Nahum-less.”
Genesis and Exodus, then you got Leviticus
Numbers, Deuteronomy, then here’s where you’re gonna be
Josh-U-a, Judges, Ruth, and then you got a bunch of twos
First and Second Samuel, a pair of Kings and Chronicles
Look out, kids, we’re startin’ a list, God knows best and put Ezra next
He’s got Nehemiah, Esther, Job and Psalms and Proverbs
And then there’s Ecclesiastes with the Preacher
And the Song of Solomon and you’ve only done a third
Maybe you don’t know it but there’s a lot of prophets
Talkin’ about Isaiah, Jeremiah, Lamentations
It’s Jeremiah’s sequel, followed by Ezekiel
Daniel and Hosea, Joel, oy, such a deal!
Look out, kids, there’s plenty more than this
Like Amos, Obadiah, the famous Jonah, Micah
Nahum, Habakkuk, Zephaniah, Haggai & Zechariah
Then there’s Malachi and 400 years of quiet
We’re done with the Old Testament there ain’t no book of Hezekiah
Oh, Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Acts, Romans, 1, 2
CORinthians YOU’RE in the Testament we call the New
GALatians SALvation Ephesians says it’s by grace and
It’s in Philippians, Colossians are you listenin’
Look out next and 1 & 2 Thess
-alonians, and both Timothys, and Titus, oh, man
Then you got Philemon
When you finally roll through the Book they call the Hebrews
James oughta be there and First and Second Peter
Oh, First John, Second John, Third John, roll on
Jude is next to last and yes we’re finally at 66
Revelation and this conversation is done but
20 years of schoolin’ ain’t as good an education
Look out, kids, and read down the list
Better hunt down a Bible get yourself an eyeful
Pretty soon your liable to start your own revival
Don’t only read it once – you’d better keep on
It’s God’s own Word and He likes His book recycled
352
Meshach
Parody of:
“Love Shack” by The B-52’s
Frederick Schneider, Catherine Pierson, Keith
Strickland & Cindy Wilson
Bible References:
Daniel 1:7, 3:1-30; 1 Peter 4:12-13
J’s Journal:
The story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego,
with a new-wave dance twist. I got the idea for this
one in the late 1990’s, and the chrous and first few
lines on a car trip to Cincinnati or Kentucky in the
spring of 2000. I was going to give up on the song
then, but the guys in the band and our wives liked
it so much that I saved what I had. I didn’t get the
last third of it until we were well into the recording
of Adam Up. Although we recorded this song with
the Ross sisters from Everlife, I wasn’t there when
they recorded their parts. We didn’t perform the
song together with Everlife until a concert in San
Diego in the spring of 2004, but Bill Hubauer wasn’t
there to do the keyboard parts. The second time
we peformed the song “live” was in Greensburg PA
in August 2004. This time everybody was there,
including Everlife and Bill Hubauer.
Hey, there’s three real famous guys in the Bible you know
And the in-between guy’s name is Meee-shach!
Meschach, yeah, yeah
I read about them in Daniel one day
Look in chapter 1:7 babe
And then you can go get their names
They got treated harsh by the king of the world (go get their names)
When they didn’t bow down to his gold statue (go get their names)
They got in a crisis and just about perished from burnin’ up
Hey, king, your joke’s not funny
Well-a Meshach was an Israelite faced with
Mean King Neb’chadnezzar
Meshach, baby – ah Meshach baby
Meshach, baby, Shadrach, Meshach, baby, Shadrach
Ah, babe, Abednego’s last
Simon says, kneel and pray fools
You must do as the law says!
Well, sittin’ way back in the middle of a field
There’s a 90-foot statue; ya gotta pray to that
Glitter on the statue didn’t make the guys pray
Even if they got scorched, they would trust in Yahweh
Well-a Meshach was an Israelite faced with
Mean King Neb’chadnezzar
Meshach, baby – Meshach baby
Meshach – Neb’chadnezzar’s mad
Meshach’s no scaredy cat
Huffin’ and a hissin’ guess he wasn’t bluffin’
Nebuchadnezzar shoved ‘em in the hottest of ovens
But hold on kiddies
Cause everybody’s movin’ around and around and around and around
Nebby got confused and said, “I thought we threw them in with
Ropes tied ‘em up – now guys how’d they get out?
There’s four bodies movin’ – there’s another dude in there and
Come here, Meschach – want you to come back!”
Often a crisis looks as big as a whale and you’re about to get nailed
But God isn’t far, He sees you now buddy
So come on and pray – you’re cool, stop running
CHORUS
Wait, wait, wait on the Lord, baby! Talk a little louder soldier
Wait, wait, wait on the Lord baby! I can’t hear you!
Wait, wait! On the Lord, baby! Wait, wait! On the Lord!
Wait, wait! On the Lord, baby! Batman!
Girls, what?!! Same tune … trust me
Meshach, baby, Shadrach (Ah, baby, trustworthy chaps, yeah)
Meshach, baby, Shadrach (Ah, baby, trustworthy chaps)
(Hope you learned a lesson standin’ in the oven with a-Meshach)
353
Messiah
Parody of:
“Desire” by U2
U2
Bible References:
Daniel 9:24-27, Isaiah 53:1-12
J’s Journal:
This song sets the tone for the rest of Handheld
Messiah by asking, “Is the Bible a white lie?” Is it
just something that sounds nice but isn’t true? No,
answers the singer, “it predicts history,” to which
he adds a second question: “Have you read the
parts prophesying Messiah?” He then focuses on
a prophesy in Daniel 7 that gave the ancient Jews
(and future historians) clues as to what specific time
in history the Messiah had to arrive in order to die
for His people. I got significant chunks of this song
on two different trips to Domino’s Pizza.
Brothers, quite honestly
Is the Bible a white lie? It predicts history
Have you read the parts prophesyin’ Messiah?
See, from Daniel – the Israelites knew
The Christ would be there – be there real soon
And so they counted till they got one
And eschewed everyone who’s not one
It’s in Daniel, chapter 9 – the
Messiah! Messiah!
You ready?
Under Caesar’s when they’d find the
Messiah! Messiah!
Yearning – yearning
He gave all us the time projections
Seek the prophets for your directions
The Scriptures that came long ago
I can preach it – still your heart has to let Him in, though
So let Him, honey, honey, honey
Honey, honey, honey, honey, honey
And when Jesus gets inside ya
Messiah! Messiah!
Messiah! Messiah!
Messiah! Messiah!
354
Micah No. 5
Parody of:
“Mambo No. 5 (A Little Bit of ... )” by Lou Bega
Damaso Perez Prado, Lou Bega & Zippy
Bible References:
Micah 5:2
J’s Journal:
This song is based on an important Messianic
prophecy from Micah 5:2, “But you, Bethlehem
Ephrathah, though you are small among the clans
of Judah, out of you will come for me one who will
be ruler over Israel, whose origins are from of old,
from ancient times.” I got the lines for the chorus
on a personal trip back from Kentucky in the spring
of 2000, and I thought it was a shame I couldn’t
do something with it. When we decided to do the
Christmas EP, I finished it up for that. I know I
got some of the last parts for it on a trip to Ross
Park Mall in Pittsburgh to pick up something we’d
forgotten. It’s still one of my favorite ApologetiX
songs. Bill Hubauer sampled one or two of his kids
for some of the noises in this song.
Ladies and Gentlemen ... it’s in Micah #5
Want ... to ... read verse 5
2 in Micah in the Bible cause it prophesies
To the little town of Bethlehem and
The Lord says it once was pretty puny
But it’s really important
In about 700 B.C.
Old Micah said the Son of God would be
Born eventually, prophetically in Bethlehem Ephrathah
The birthplace of King David
Now you get the Savior
So what can I do to really thank You my Lord
I see Your birthday is just around the corner
Anything I buy, it’s all Yours
Tell me somethin’ to get You, I’m stumped here
A little bit of Hannukah – candlelight
A little bit of caroling – songs outside
A little bitty wreath – that’s small and green
A little bit of tinsel – on my tree
A little bit of Santa – just for fun
A little bit of Mary – she’s Christ’s mom
Oh little town of Bethlehem – in the sand
A little baby, too – hey, He’s the Man! Micah No. 5!
God’s Son came down – They moved Him all around
Came to Bethlehem town but then Herod tracked Him down
So His mom and dad left – on one sad night
Went down to Egypt – and once Herod died
Nazareth was – the place that they’d reside
They said it looks like this kid is gonna be the Christ
CHORUS
Trust it! I trust it! Micah No. 5 – ha, ha, ha
CHORUS
Micah 5:2 – God above has a bird’s-eye view
His human Son was prophesied. You can read it in Micah 5
355
Midnight Hour, Pt. 2
Parody of:
“In the Midnight Hour” by Wilson Pickett
Wison Pickett & Steve Cropper
Bible References:
2 Peter 3:9
He’s gonna wait till the midnight hour
Till everyone is saved
That’s when the dead come from their graves
He’s gonna come on down from Heaven
At 60 minutes past 11 – The midnight hour
He’s gonna wait till the stars fall down
Until He cleans up all the mess
He’s gonna wait till the knees bow down
Till every tongue confess
He’s the only Lord above and
He’s really, really comin’ – In the midnight hour
Till everyone is saved
That’s when the dead come from their graves
He’s gonna take us up to Heaven
At 60 minutes past 11 – The midnight hour
J’s Journal:
This is one of those songs that has been covered a
lot of times, and I enjoyed all of the covers I heard
over the years, including the Rascals (I had that
on cassette), Roxy Music (I had the single on 45),
and the Jam (I had that on cassette, too). But the
version we’re spoofing here is by the Commitments
from the movie The Commitments. The point of this
song is that there’s still time to come to Christ, and
God is a merciful God, and that’s why He’s waiting
till the last minute for as many people to be saved as
possible (2 Peter 3:9, 1 Timothy 2:4).
356
Mishael
Parody of:
“Michelle” by The Beatles
Bible References:
Daniel 1-2
J’s Journal:
I thought it would be neat to have a song about
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego that called
them by their original Hebrew names – Hananiah,
Mishael, Azariah. As was the case with our song
“Meshach,” the man in the middle got the title role
because his name sounded the most like the original
song’s title. In the original Beatles song, the singer
is talking to a young foreign (French) woman. In our
parody, an unnamed Babylonian is talking about
three young foreign (Judean) men. In the original,
the singer speaks a few words in the girl’s language.
In our parody, the singer speaks a few words in his
own language. This song also refers to their friend
Daniel by his Babylonian name, Belteshazzar. As the
original song’s singer was impressed by the virtues
of the woman he was singing about, the Babylonian
singing this song is impressed by the virtues of the
men he is singing about. This song was recorded
live at Lazarus’ Tomb in Arnold, PA on March 9,
1996. It was originally released on a homemade
cassette called Beatleg in late 1996.
Mishael, Daniel
These are boys from south of Israel ... can’t you tell?
Mishael, Daniel
Hananiah, Azariah come ... to Babylon
We tried to, we tried to, we tried to
We tried to make them change
But though we changed their names
They would stay devoted to Jehovah
True till the end
Meshach, Shadrach
Abed-nego, Belteshazzar now ... they wouldn’t bow
The knee to, the knee to, the knee to
The knee to pagan things
Of Babylonian kings
Until they proved their hope was true
And not just a dream
Hallelu!
LEAD
There’s one true God, one true God, one true
I think we know that now
They made it through somehow
Although we threw them all into the fire and the den
Mishael, Daniel
Hananiah, Azariah as well ... they never fell
And they would stay devoted to Jehovah
True till the end
Of the world
357
Miss Martha
Parody of:
“Miss Murder” by AFI
Davey Havok, Jade Puget, Hunter Burgan &
Adam Carson
Bible References:
Luke 10:38-42
J’s Journal:
Lazarus’ sisters, Mary and Martha, had differing
ideas about hospitality when having Jesus over to
dinner in Luke 10:38-42. Martha was distracted by
all the preparations that had to be made, whereas
Mary sat at Jesus’ feet and listened to him talk,
not spending a single second on the housework.
This wreaked havoc with Martha’s sense of right
and wrong, causing her great affliction. Martha
could only shut her mouth and open her eyes for
so long before the seeming injustice of it all lit a
fire inside of her that forced her to blurt out, “Lord,
don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the
work by myself? Tell her to help me!” In this song,
Martha sings her sorrow, only to find out with great
disappointment that her sister Mary had actually
done the right thing. To me, “Miss Martha” is a
companion piece to “Downer of a Sister,” as they
both deal with neglected sisters who scream their
lungs out in their respective songs, providing a bit of
comedic effect. I distinctly remember getting one of
my favorite lines, “she sits on her ... behind,” while on
my way to meet Hubie in Grove City, PA.
Hey, Miss Martha, can I
Beg you to make some time for Jesus Christ
Whoa-o-oh
With angry looks she cooked
And set food down before Him
She never took a break at all
Then Martha said to Christ
I’m left to wash and dry
My sister pays no mind
She sits on her ... behind
CHORUS
She was aghast perhaps
At how the Lord responded
He said relax and settle down
You’ve mopped and swept and wiped
It kept you occupied
And while it killed some time
You left the best behind
CHORUS
Martha looked as if she was a very busy bee
But she had a bee inside her bonnet
As the custom was she ran the house with guests around
Without help
Well, these dishes ain’t just gonna go do themselves
And the silverware it needs some polish
Really, Lord, if I don’t clean it never gets done
No-one ever helps me, Lord, it’s filthy – that’s the problem
Beg you to make some time for Jesus Christ
REPEAT
358
Mister Christian
Parody of:
“Sister Christian” by Night Ranger
Kelly Keagy
Bible References:
Ephesians 6:12; Matthew 5:38-45, 28:19-20; Luke
6:22-23; Philippians 2:5-8; Titus 3:1-2; 1 Peter 3:15
Mister Christian, oh you’re tired and numb
And you know that you’re the only ones who say – one way
They’re not goin’ by your Book anymore
You know, those boys they want to blame most wars on you, it’s true
You go to them, but you’re diced and sliced
Your kindness is despised
You see your rights denied
They don’t know He’ll show them love so vast
They’re probably worried that you’ll do one last crusade – they’re afraid
Mister Christian, they’ll still watch your life
So just live it out before their eyes and prove – it’s true
It’s true
You go to them, put your pride aside
They’re trying to pick a fight
But be polite and nice
Go to them, put your fright to flight
You’re shining in the night
You’ll be a light for Christ
Mister Christian, oh, they might have guns
But you know the Lord’s the only who saves, so pray
But you go to them
Yeah, go to them
J’s Journal:
This is the first in a suite of four songs near the
end of Wise Up and Rock that deal with witnessing
for Christ in the midst of opposition from skeptics,
atheists, and haters. I wrote this parody in early
2011 in hopes that it would encourage Christians
to share their faith, even as the world seems to be
getting more and more resistant to the Gospel. I
can’t remember where I was when I first got the
idea for this spoof, but I really liked the call-toaction chorus of “Go to them.” I also liked the fact
that the lyrics brought up how those who oppose
the Gospel love to blame wars on Christianity and
often point to the Crusades as exhibit A. Well, the
founder of Christianity, Jesus Christ, taught His
followers to turn the other cheek and to shake the
dust off their feet and keep moving when people
don’t receive their message. He also said that
those who live by the sword will die by it (Matthew
26:52), so anybody since then who has attempted
to spread the Gospel through force wasn’t following
the true Christian message. Only the Holy Spirit
can convict the heart of a sinner, and nobody
can come to Jesus unless the Father draws that
person (John 6:44). We merely present the Gospel
and rely on God. It’s a shame that some people
who have gone before us have given the Gospel a
bad name. We can do our part to counteract that
by living blameless lives that bring glory to Christ.
359
Monkey Scheme
Parody of:
“(Theme from) The Monkees” by The Monkees
Tommy Boyce & Bobby Hart
Bible References:
Romans 1:18-32
J’s Journal:
When I was a kid, I read every book I could get my
hands on about dinosaurs, cavemen, and prehistoric
life. I still believe in dinosaurs, but I don’t believe
in the theory of evolution. There are two main
reasons for this. One is that it totally contradicts
the Bible and nullifies the importance of Adam and
Eve, original sin, and the need for a savior (the Bible
clearly treats Adam as a real person). The second
reason, however, is just as important: There just
isn’t any evidence proving that man evolved from
apes or that any other creature evolved from
another. Think about it: In today’s world, we can
observe animals becoming extinct; however, we
observe no animals in a transitional form between
two species. One of the best-kept secrets of
evolution is that there is no real fossil evidence of
past transitional species, either. While we have tons
of well-preserved skeletal evidence for dinosaurs,
the so-called evidence for cavemen is often built
from a bone or tooth and a lot of speculation. Many
past claims to “missing links” have proven to be
fraudulent (Piltdown Man) or misguided (Java Man
and Nebraska Man). Bottom line: The reason they still
call them “missing” links is that they’re still missing.
If dinosaurs were around so many years earlier than
human beings, why do we have so many detailed
dinosaur skeletons and no real caveman skeletons?
Here they come – Talkin’ down at me
I get the funniest looks ‘cause – I said I don’t believe
They say we were monkeys
They think they’re sayin’ something profound
But where’s their missing link at? There weren’t any bodies found
They built a man from a hog’s tooth – They called a lie the truth
And any time they get busted – They sell you something new
They say we were monkeys – I think that they’ve been monkeyin’ around
Cause they’re too busy changin’ their books and their studies ‘round
They’re just tryin’ to defend it – they got a lot to re-explain
Where they’ve done excavation – they keep uncoverin’ mistakes
Any time – or anywhere –
Just look over the boulders – You’ll see that man’s been there
They say we were monkeys – I think their heads are stuck in the ground
Cause they’re too busy diggin’ and putting the Bible down
SPOKEN:
Java Man was the skull of a gibbon; Nebraska Man was the tooth of a pig and
The Piltdown Man was a lowdown sham; They built that man from an organutan
Ramapithicus wasn’t complete; He’s a fragment of jaw and a couple of teeth
Addition skeletons show us today that he isn’t our relative – only an ape
Australapithicus alias Lucy, The fossil of this is just vague and confusing
The wonderful knee bone they’re proud to possess
Was 200 feet deeper – a mile from the rest
Neanderthal Man was prob’ly deficient in Vitamin D or it might’ve been rickets
But he had religion and musical instruments,
Fire and tools and from you he’s no different
They say we were monkeys but people came from dust in the ground
But they’re too busy thinkin’ to look into what we’ve found
They’re just kinda pretending, but I know why they seem afraid
If we come from creation, you need God’s son to be saved
They say we were monkeys but there was no evidence found
Still you’d better get ready – They’ll make it up anyhow
360
Monkeys for Uncles
Parody of:
“Money for Nothing” by Dire Straits
Mark Knopfler & Sting
Bible References:
Romans 1:18-22; Genesis 1:26-30, 2:15-25, 3:1-24
J’s Journal:
When evolutionists teach that man’s walk of life
came from lower primates, they’re so far away
from the truth ... yet they wonder why our school
systems are in such dire straits! If macroevolution
is true and man evolved from apes and lower life
forms before that, then the foundational premises of
the Bible are false ... and vice versa. You can’t have
your ape and read it, too. This was one of the last
songs we added to Wise Up and Rock. I remember
working on it in the car on the way to meet the
band bus in Portersville, PA, and it quickly became
a staple for our concerts. It could also have been
called “Monkeys for Cousins,” but when I asked my
wife which title she preferred, she chose the one I
had in the first place. At one point, I considered it for
the 80’s medley, but once I got the line about “that
little maggot with the earwig and the stinkbug,” I
knew we had to have the whole song. It made me
giggle. As the chorus states, when evolutionists
get into arguments with creationists they often
seem to resort to insults rather than providing the
missing links that would prove their point. I used
to go to sleep listening to the Dire Straits album
Brothers in Arms in college, but I never expected
ApologetiX would do this song, but people kept
pestering me about it, so I gave it a shot. I’d always
figured “Sultans of Swing” was a more likely
candidate. Of course, if Dire Straits are the Sultans
of Swing, then we are the Chieftans of Cheese!
I want my missing links ...
“Now look at them Dodos” – that’s the way they view us
They claim that Christians are a dead species
Then they worship – macro-evolution
Monkeys for uncles in your history
Now, that ain’t workin’ – after we refute it
Then they tell you – that the Bible’s dumb
Maybe then your sister was a ring-tailed lemur
Maybe then a lizard was your mum
They’ve got to insult us to sway others
Because they’re missin’ the missin’ links
They’ve got to lose the Originator
They’ve got to prove these other theories
That little maggot with the earwig and the stinkbug
They’re buggies, but listen here
That little maggot could become an X-man
That little maggot needs a billion years
They’ve got to use their imaginations
Sure they mean well ...
Huh?
Get God removed from the situation
They should’ve learned they’re playin’ with fire
They could get burned, but they get numb
Look at that drama they got from trickin’ us with Java Man
Ain’t that guy handsome?
And what’s up there? What’s that?
Why’s that annoy us?
There ain’t no right and wrong – we’re like the chimpanzees
Oh, that ain’t workin’ – macro-evolution
Monkeys for uncles in your history
Oh, that ain’t workin’ – that’s the way I view it
I beg to differ on your empty theory
That ain’t workin’ – that’s no way to prove it
Get your monkeys for uncles in your history
Monkeys for uncles – history
Monkeys for uncles – missing links
I want my, I want my, I want my missing links
I want my, I want my, I want my missing links
361
More Than a Healing
Parody of:
“More Than a Feeling” by Boston
Tom Scholz and John Boylan
Bible References:
2 Corinthians 4:18, Ephesians 1:18, Proverbs 22:6,
Romans 11:29
I hooked up this morning with the Son of God
It turned out He knew me and called my name
“You’re lost,” He said, “but I can heal your soul.”
And now my eyes see a different way
It’s more than a healing (More than a healing)
Yes, the Lord’s something more than a healer
And I think He’s really (More than a healing)
Everything I’ll ever want
I see my friends and they’re walkin’ away
So many things that I’d done were wrong
My faith was faded, my tears run dry
But God still recalled when I was so young
The prayer I’d begun when I was a child
CHORUS
Man, I’m tired of sinkin’ low
I’ve had it with useless regret-filled days
I’m leavin’ the world I used to know
‘cause now my eyes see a different way
A different way
CHORUS
J’s Journal:
Here come the puns: It’s been such a long time since
we wrote the words to this parody (way back in
the mid-1990’s), but if we don’t look back into the
vaults for gems like this from time to time, we’ll miss
out on some of our best compositions. There was
something about you fans constantly requesting a
parody of the original that led us to finally record
it. So when Future Tense came around, we finally
said, “We’re ready.” Although we’d never recorded
a parody by this rock-and-roll band before, we
used to jam to a number of their tunes in our early
practices. This autobiographical songs deals with
the peace of mind and satisfied feeling found when
a person rediscovers Christ after many years away.
362
More Than Works
Parody of:
“More Than Words” by Extreme
Nuno Bettencourt & Gary Cherone
Bible References:
John 6:28-29, Ephesians 2:8-9, Romans 10:9-13,
Amos 5:21-24, Micah 6:6-8
They might tell you there’s lots of works God wants to see from you
That’s not the right attitude – none are saved by things that man can do
But Jesus said the deed was done on Calvary
More than works ‘cause all the good you do ain’t no big deal
And it couldn’t get you saved – that’s too costly –the Bible tells me so
What would you do if I quote Ephesians 2
No man’s works can save his soul – that’s so nobody can boast
The Good Book says that it’s not by works but grace
And you couldn’t make things new without faith in our Lord too
Now they might try to talk to you and make you just like them
(But) all you have to do is hope in Christ and just be born again
And trust the Holy Ghost – He’ll never let you go
More than works ‘cause all of men’s good deeds are still too small
And they couldn’t get you saved – but you can be ‘cause Christ already rose
What would you do if your heart was born anew
Your good works could show your faith, but you must first take His grace
What do you say? If you trust His Word today
Then you could still make things new just by prayin’ – why don’t you?
J’s Journal:
This song was originally included on our Isn’t Wasn’t
Ain’t cassette in 1993, but we wholeheartedly
thought it needed an extreme makeover (both the
lyrics and the performance), so we didn’t include
it on either the Isn’t Wasn’t Ain’t 10th-anniversary
CD reissue in 2003 or Isn’t Wasn’t Ain’t (Director’s
Cut) in 2005. It’s based on Ephesians 2:8-10, which
says: “For it is by grace you have been saved,
through faith–and this not from yourselves, it is
the gift of God– not by works, so that no one can
boast. For we are God’s workmanship, created in
Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared
in advance for us to do.” Good works are wonderful
things, but they’re not something that we do to
attain or maintain our salvation. 363
Mrs. Protestant
Parody of:
“Mrs. Robinson” by Simon & Garfunkel
Paul Simon
Bible References:
John 3:16; Romans 8:1, 8:10, 10:9, 10:13
J’s Journal:
This is another of my earliest Christian parody
efforts, written to teach myself the words of John
3:16; Romans 10:9, 13; and Romans 8:1, 10. With a
repeated line like “Jesus loves you more than you will
know,” this song was begging to become a Christian
parody. We call this song “Mrs. Protestant” because
it symbolizes the average American, not because it’s
specifically addressed to Protestants. It’s ironic,
but Simon & Garfunkel were right. Jesus does love
Mrs. Robinson and everybody else more than they
will know. We’ve heard the expression “Jesus loves
you” so many times, it’s like a cliche; but He does
love us, even people who aren’t seeking Him and
are disobeying His commands like Mrs. Robinson
was in the movie The Graduate. We left this parody
off the Isn’t Wasn’t Ain’t 10th-anniversary CD in
2003 but added it along with “God I Like About
You” for the Director’s Cut in 2005. I’ve tweaked
the lyrics since we originally recorded them, but I
don’t know if we’ll ever re-record it or not. I first got
into Simon & Garfunkel when I inherited a bunch of
records my three much-older sisters left behind in
the basement when they went to college. My sister
Gayle had a copy of Simon & Garfunkel’s Greatest
Hits, and this was the lead-off track. I used to
listen to it while I played with my superhero action
figures and Matchbox/Hot Wheels.
And here’s to you, Mrs. Protestant
Jesus loves you more than you will know
God rescued me, Mrs. Protestant
Heaven can be entered just one way
Hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey!
For God so loved the world, He gave His one and only Son
That whosoever will believe in Him
Will not ever perish, but will have eternal life
God did not send His Son to condemn the world
He came to save, Mrs. Protestant
John 3:16, Mrs. Protestant
Heaven can be entered just one way
And if you confess with your mouth Jesus as your Lord
And believe in your heart He was raised
From the dead by God the Father, you, too, shall be saved
Whosoever calls upon His name is saved
I’ll say it again, Mrs. Protestant
In Romans 10, Mrs. Protestant
Verses 9 and 13 show the way
There is therefore now no condemnation for the ones
Who are in Christ Jesus by His grace
And if Christ is in you, though your body may be dead
Yet your spirit is alive in righteousness
He died for you, Mrs. Protestant
It’s tried and true, Mrs. Protestant
Verses 1 and 10 in Romans 8 (Hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey!)
364
Must Seem Silly
Must seem silly
Guess you’ll never go and trust Him now
Must seem silly now, baby
Guess you’ll never go and trust Him now
You’ve been runnin’ down the Lord with your mouth (Oooooooh)
Ooh! I guess you oughta quit your blasphemin’ or look out
Parody of:
“Mustang Sally” by The Commitments
Mack Rice
Bible References:
1 Corinthians 1:18, 3:19
J’s Journal:
Some of the loudest atheists are people who
grew up in churchgoing families but took a detour
somewhere down the road. They traded the picket
fence for a picket sign, and a team of wild horses
couldn’t drag them back. Of course, going to church
doesn’t make you a committed Christian any
more than going to a garage makes you a sports
car. Although “Mustang Sally” was made famous
by Wilson Pickett in 1966, we chose to spoof my
favorite version, famously performed in the 1991
movie The Commitments, by the band of the same
name. We somehow managed to use even more
people on our version than The Commitments did
on theirs. They had 10 and we had 11, possibly
the most ever on an ApologetiX recording. I sang
lead, with Janna and Keely on backing vocals, Bill
“Moose” Rieger (a big Commitments fan) on guitar,
Jake Rieger on bass, Chris VonBartheld on piano,
Bill Hubauer on organ, Jimmy “Vegas” Tanner on
drums, Mike “Mongo” Bajsec on alto sax, Jeff
Martin on trumpet, and George Dorow on tenor
sax. Felix Cavaliere of the Rascals has said his band
actually recorded their version of “Mustang Sally”
before Pickett. Of course, the Rascals would have
plenty of signature hits of their own, the biggest
of which was “People Got to Be Free” (five weeks
at #1 in 1968). And that was the other song we
spoofed on the single with “Must Seem Silly,” which
we released in late October 2014. All you wanna do is gripe about hell and (cry that ain’t right)
All you wanna do is gripe about hell and (cry that ain’t right)
If you don’t wanna heed early warnings (Oooooooh)
You’re gonna be gnashin’ your teeth in spite
They taught you on every Sunday (Ahhhh)
You was a nice, respectful child
Now you’re puttin’ down those sanctified women
Say you won’t, you won’t get revived (Ain’t gonna get revived)
Must seem silly now, baby (Tellin’ you, baby)
Guess you’ll never go and trust Him now (Nowwww)
All right!
You’ve been runnin’ down the Lord with your mouth (Oooooooh)
Don’t forget that God could put you six feet underground
Ah, yeah, baby you gotta quit your blasphemin’
If you don’t wanna heed early warnings (Oooooooh)
You’re gonna be grindin’ your teeth in spite, yeah
C’mon, boys
Don’t be denyin’
Go get faith (Silly)
Don’t be denyin’ (Silly)
Yeah, heh
Yeahhh
He won’t be denied (Silly)
Yeah, yeah (Silly)
Oh, the Lord won’t be denied (Silly)
Yeahh, Yeah, Yeahhh
365
Nain
Parody of:
“Name” by The Goo Goo Dolls
John Rzeznik & Robby Takac
Bible References:
Luke 7:11-17
J’s Journal:
During His earthly ministry, Jesus raised three
people from the dead – most famously, Lazarus.
We covered that event in “Lazzie Lay.” The
second-most famous resurrection He performed
is of the synagogue official’s daughter, which we
chronicled in “Wake Up, Talitha Cumi.” The other
resurrection sometimes gets overlooked, but it
occurs in Luke 7:11-17, where Jesus came upon a
funeral procession for a widow’s only son in a town
called Nain. Feeling great compassion for the lonely
widow and bereaved mother, Jesus raised her son
from the dead. The lyrics are written from that
mother’s point of view, shortly after the miracle
took place. Everybody remembers the Goo Goo Dolls
for their mega-hits “Iris” and “Slide,” but three years
earlier they had a #5 hit with a song called “Name.”
We changed the name of “Name” to “Nain” and
recorded this song live in concert at Ten Mile Creek
in Fredericktown, PA on Sept. 14, 1996. It was
originally released on a homemade cassette called
Fredericktown in late 1996. I remember driving to
that concert by myself in the rain and praying that
the weather in Fredericktown would be better than
every other town I had driven through that day.
And it was! I liked this parody but it required us
to bring along an extra guitar that was pre-tuned
a certain way and only used for that song, so
it didn’t last long in our live set. Even though the mourners passed me by
I couldn’t turn away
I saw the son I never thought I’d lose
Lost and passed away
In a casket with an open lid
Walked toward the grave
His father died before him
I thought I’d do the same
But not before he made himself a name
Junior died before me and way before his time
And I don’t have no one remaining
And I’m in a town called Nain
Chapter seven in the book of Luke
We passed another crowd
Jesus Christ himself appeared right there
And He got to see my child
And it made Him sad to see that sight
With mourners all around
He pulled up straight to the casket
Said, “Now there, woman, do not weep!”
The people all were stunned in disbelief
He touched my son and said, “C’mon
It’s time to wake you up”
And my son arose once again
LEAD
I thanked Him kindly for His time
Now I don’t need a thing
This lonely widow’s got her son back now
366
Naomi Gonna Be with Ruth
Parody of:
“Only Wanna Be with You” by Hootie & the
Blowfish
Mark Bryan, Dean Felber, Darius Rucker & Jim
“Soni” Sonefeld
Bible References:
The Book of Ruth
J’s Journal:
This is the story of Ruth told from the perspective
of Naomi. Perhaps the most famous line in that book
is verse 1:16, where Ruth tells Naomi, “Don’t urge
me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where
you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your
people will be my people and your God my God.” The
idea for this song was a surprise gift from God. My
only problem was trying to get used to Ruth singing
in a deep male voice like Darius Rucker of Hootie
and the Blowfish. But it worked.
Ruth and me, we come from different worlds
She was a Moabite, I was a Jewish mother’s girl
In time, she married a son of mine
It’s such a shame because my son and husband died
But there’s nothin’ I could do
I said, Ruth, I’m gonna go back home
She looked at me, she had something left to say
I’m gonna follow you and with you I will stay
I won’t let ... you just leave
Because, Mom, I love you, and you are my family
And there’s nothin’ you can do
Naomi’s gonna be with Ruth
I will call on your God, too
Naomi gonna be with Ruth
Went home to live in Bethlehem, seen all my friends
I said, “My family collapsed when all the men died
“But Ruth has not abandoned me
Changed my life to bittersweet
“She was married to one of my sons
And when he died, she came with me
“I better help her find a hubby
A lonely guy who needs her, too
“Somebody local .
Naomi gonna see her through
“You can call me ‘old school’
Naomi gonna see her through
And I think I know just who
Naomi gonna see with Ruth
Sometimes I wonder what might have been
If Ruth abandoned me when I told her to back then
Ruth had a baby ... and down the line
Great grandson David, yeah, the one who fought the giant
And there’s the King of the Jews
I know you’ve heard of Jesus, too
You can call Him, Lord, too
Naomi gonna be with you
Yes, He came from out of Ruth
Naomi wanna be with Ruth
Naomi gonna be with Ruth
367
Narrow Way to Heaven
Parody of:
“Stairway to Heaven” by Led Zeppelin
Bible References:
Matthew 7:13-14, 13:24; John 6:44, 14:6
J’s Journal:
In Matthew 7:13-14, Jesus says this about the
way to Heaven: “Enter through the narrow gate. For
wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to
destruction, and many enter through it. But small is
the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and
only a few find it.” In John 14:6, He elaborates on
what (or rather, Who) the way to Heaven is, when
He says, “I am the way and the truth and the life.
No one comes to the Father except through me.”
This song was our standard altar-call song for
much of our career. In the early days, we called it
“Yourway to Heaven,” and it had the same theme
but different lyrics. That version appeared on the
original Isn’t Wasn’t Ain’t cassette in 1993. I was
never really happy with that version, so I spent
a lot of time crafting a better version, “Narrow
Way to Heaven,” which we recorded in 1998 on
Jesus Christ Morningstar. I think we play this a lot
better “live” than we did on Morningstar. We had
planned to record it on Hits: The Road, but technical
difficulties prohibited us from doing so.
There’s a way Jesus showed all us sinners must go
And He called it the narrow way to Heaven
If to get there’s your goal – with a pure heart and soul
In His Word you can get what you came for
Ooooooh and he described it right there in Matthew 7
There’ve been signs all along but you want to be sure
Cause the road sometimes swerves as you’re reading
In the free Bible book, there in John 3:16
Come find how all our faults are forgiven
Two ways to ponder – two ways to ponder
There’s a freeway of death and it hooks to the left
And the steering and driving is easy
It is not quite as seems – see that smoke, feel the heat
Hear the voice of the Lord who stands knockin’
Ooooooh ... it takes you under
Ooooooh ... it really takes you under
And it’s His Word that’s true – if we all follow through
Then the Bible will lead us to Jesus
And the true way will dawn – on those who’ve read John
Chapter 14 verse 6 and thereafter Ooooooh ...
If there’s a possible dead end road – don’t be a lost man
It’s best to think before you take it
Yes, there are two paths you can go by – but there’s a wrong one
But there’s still time to change the road you’re on
Ooooooh ... can it take you up there?
You’re headed somewhere but it won’t go the place you wanna go
If Christ has called and you avoid Him
The way to Heaven’s very narrow, and did you know
It’s very wide on the way to Hell?
LEAD
Where will you wind up down the road
A shadow land or street of gold?
There is a Way that we all know
He shines bright light on words that show
How every man will turn to dust
But if you let Him in your heart
The Truth will come to you at last
And our Lord warned us where to go
And He was God – He ought to know
And He called it the narrow way to Heaven
368
Never Been to Spain (Yet)
Parody of:
“Never Been to Spain” by Three Dog Night
Hoyt Axton
Bible References:
Romans 15:24, Acts 13-28
J’s Journal:
This parody was written even before we officially
had a band called ApologetiX. I thought it would
be fun and educational to do a song about Paul’s
missionary journeys (at least the first three journeys
that we can document from the book of Acts),
especially since he specifically mentioned to the
Romans that he intended to to go through Spain in
the near future. We included rough versions on our
original Get Your Wigs live cassette and Parable Guy
studio cassette back in 1992, but didn’t really do
it up right until the Chosen Ones CD. I was a big
Three Dog Night fan growing up and in college, but I
never cared that much for the song until we did the
parody. After that, I enjoyed it a lot.
Well, I’ve never been to Spain
But I finally might be goin’
I relayed that I’d be stayin’ there
In my short note to the Romans
The 15th chapter, it comes right after
The 14th chapter, mm hmm
Well I headed for Galatia
Straight from Antioch Pisidia
Then Iconium, Lystra, Derbe
Bet you didn’t know that, did ya?
In Lystra was Timothy, but I didn’t take him with me
I was with Barnaby, Barnabus Jones
Met the apostles in Jerusalem
Then left with Silas for Galatia
Picked up Timothy in Lystra
Left for Bithynia and Asia
But God said no to us, so we left for Troas
Where we met Lucas, beloved doctor
LEAD
Well, I’d never been to prison
Till I went to Macedonia
In Phillipi we brought the house down
Then we met the Thessalonians
Bereans and Athenians, and then the Corinthians
Then back to Jerusalem and Antioch
When I finally preached in Ephesus
They were ready for to hear it
They’d already heard Apollos
But they didn’t have the Spirit
I stayed three years with these
Then I went back through Greece
Jerusalem, then to Caesarea and Rome
369
The New Testament in Living Color
Parody of:
“Kodachrome” by Paul Simon
Paul Simon
Bible References:
Isaiah 40:7-8, 2 Timothy 3:15-17, 1 Peter 1:24-25,
Philemon 1:1-25
J’s Journal:
Here’s another parody that predates ApologetiX.
I’d just written a song to teach myself the books
of the Old Testament in order (“I Wanna Read the
Bible”), and I needed a sequel to memorize the
books of the New Testament. Enter Simon (Paul,
not Peter). The word “Kodachrome” morphed well
into “Go to Romans,” so I built the rest of the song
around that. One of my favorite moments when
writing these lyrics was when I noticed how similar
the four sections of the New Testament sounded
if you used certain words for them: Gospels,
Apostles, Epistles, and Apocalypse. That part is
extra and doesn’t spoof anything in “Kodachrome,”
but I couldn’t resist throwing it in. I later wrote a
couple parodies that included all 66 books of the
Bible (“Mediterranean Wholebook News” and “La
Bible”), but the way I learned the New Testament
books in order was by singing this song … and
reading the New Testament over and over again
myself. This recording was made in January 1992,
with our friend George Fecik also playing guitar
with us. We culled it from a homemade cassette we
called Jammin’ Wit Jorge Vol. 2.
First you take Matthew, Mark & Luke & John, the Gospels
Everybody knows that’s where you start
Then as you pass on through the Acts of the Apostles
Gotta learn the rest of them by heart
Go to Ro-o-omans
Then one and two Corinthians
Galatians, Ephesians, Philippians, Colossians
And one and two Thessalonians oh yeah
Timothy one and two
Titus, Philemon and Hebrews
Nothin can take the Word of God away
And as you finish readin’ all of St. Paul’s letters
Gonna meet with Peter James and John
But just so you can get to know the order better
We’ll sing ‘em out in order in this song
James and Peter
One and two, one two three John
Then you got Jude and Revelation
That’s the New Testament we did it yay oh yeah
Four Gospels, one church history
Twenty one letters and one mystery
Nothing can take to Word of God away
Nothin’ can take to Word of God away
(Repeat 5 more times)
Gospels, Apostles, Epistles, Apocalypse
(Keep repeating in background)
Nothing can take the word of God
Nothing can take the Word of God away
Nothin can take the word of God
It’s blossoming forth like Aaron’s rod
Nothin’ can take to Word of God
Better make sure your feet are shod
Nothing can take to Word of God away
370
Nice Iced Pavement
Parody of:
“Ice Ice Baby” by Vanilla Ice
Vanilla Ice, Earthquake, Freddie Mercury, Brian
May, Roger Taylor, John Deacon & David Bowie
Bible References:
James 1:2-3, Romans 8:28, 1 Peter 5:7
J’s Journal:
This is the chilling tale of a Christmas shopper who
stays out too late and winds up stranded in the
worst winter weather of the year. And now it’s time
to talk about what he learned today. We never find
out if he got his Christmas shopping done, but he
definitely does a lot of Christmas rapping. I’d wanted
to spoof Vanilla Ice for years and always intended to
do a Christmas song, but I figured it would be about
the Christ child. ”Nice, Nice Baby” or “Nice Christ
Baby”? Not my favorite parody titles. When I finally
got around to writing it, I was thinking it might be
about when Mary and Joseph presented the baby
Jesus in the Temple and met Simeon and Anna.
Well, obviously that’s not how it turned out. This
song took a totally different direction – God would
give me a couple lines at a time, and I really didn’t
know how it was going to resolve, but I prayed
about it and just followed His lead. I started this one
on the trip home from my in-laws in Kentucky in July
and the spent much of the next month working on
it. There were a lot of walks around the block, car
rides, and lawn mowings that went into this one!
Yo, see my tree! It’s Christmas!
Nice iced pavement – Nice iced pavement
All-night shopping – I had to take a list in
Ice is packed on my windshield – it glistens
Some kid said the roads will be icy
Closed up the shop when I paid and left light speed
Will this weather stop? Yo, I don’t know
Scrape off the ice – it won’t go!
Through the extremes I walk on ice ‘cause my van won’t
Start up – it seems I need a jump or I can’t go
And – I’m wearin’ sneakers not boots
They’re fillin’ with rain looks like I’m going to be slush soon
Lovely – man, my baby toe’s killin’ me
And I didn’t dress to the best of my ability
Rough or leave it – you bet I can’t stay
The weather is cold out and it’s no sleigh
Guess I’ve got a problem – no one saw it
Just have to hope for a heat wave to thaw it
Nice iced pavement
A really nice iced pavement
A really
Now, I’ll get my battery jumpin’
Triple A checks in but I think he’s not comin’
Says there’s no point in appointment makin’
“Look at them streets, guy, the plows can’t take it
Minimum of a six-hour window”
I go crazy when I hear that info
I hide that – what a screwed-up trip, though
I wanna roll – it’s time to throw snowballs
Throwin’ maybe five or so
So my rage stopped now but my hands just froze
Don’t really understand why I’m waitin’ just to pray, right?
Did you start? No, I just nosedived
Slipped on a sewer grate I stepped on
I bust my lip and now my head is oozin’ red stuff
I talked with God, yo, and I continued to
Pray and pray – Different attitude!
Nerves were shot, but I’m blessed, yes indeedy
Often troubles drive a man who’s needy
To Jesus
‘Cause about then I find
A manger display and I knew it was a sign
Ready for a jump after all
I jump like Jack-be-nimble ‘cause I’m full of faith, y’all
From God – sprang up like a well
371
Nice Iced Pavement (cont.)
Parody of:
“Ice Ice Baby” by Vanilla Ice
Vanilla Ice, Earthquake, Freddie Mercury, Brian
May, Roger Taylor, John Deacon & David Bowie
Bible References:
James 1:2-3, Romans 8:28, 1 Peter 5:7
J’s Journal:
(see previous page)
I grab my side ‘cause I hurt myself
Falling on the concrete feels bad
But something bizarre – came out of that
Suffered some bumps there, I have a bruised back
I’m tryin’ to find my way back home but I feel jacked
But peaceful and serene – you know what I mean?
And that’s enough – I’m lovin’ all the snow scenes
If I got some problems, yo, He’ll solve ‘em
Just have to look how He keeps Earth revolvin’
Nice iced pavement
A really
Make heat ‘cause I’m a really cold poet
My head has lost some steam from encasing it in snow, it’s
Like mounds of mashed potatoes on my face now
I’d love to take and stick coals on the ground
If it sounds like I’m cynical still
People, my disposition is chill
But tucked in and warm with the help of a compress
Would make it nice – with a ton of gifts
Christmas displays guide my way
Lights that can singe ya
What? That’s my neighbor’s place!
So glad – on the street I just ran
You’re right; that was dumb – I fell on ice again
Remind me, won’t ya, that it’s time to get boots
But tonight’s not the night while I sip my soup
With those other problems, yo, He’ll solve ‘em
Just got me home now – He’ll be there for all of ‘em
Nice iced pavement
A really
Snow, man, let’s get out of here
Worst weather ever!
Nice iced payment – too cold
Nice iced payment – too cold, too cold
Under the weather
Under the weather
Weather, weather
372
Nicky
Oh, Nicky, you’re so blind – Open wide your soul and mind, hey, Nicky, hey, Nicky
Oh, Nicky, you’re so blind – Open wide your soul and mind, hey, Nicky, hey, Nicky
Oh, Nicky, you’re so blind – Open wide your soul and mind, hey, Nicky
Parody of:
“Mickey” by Toni Basil
Mike Chapman & Nicki Chinn
Bible References:
John 3:1-21, 7:50-52, 19:39
J’s Journal:
Most people know Nicodemus from John 3, where
Jesus talked about being born again. But if you
take that Bible off the mantle, he’s also in John 7,
defending Jesus to other Pharisees, and John 19,
bringing ointment made from herbs for Jesus’ burial.
Nobody knows for sure, but those verses hint that
he may have taken Jesus’ words to heart. I wrote
the first verse and chorus of this in April 2011 as
a possibility for the 80’s medley on Wise Up and
Rock. By 2015, my daughter Janna was singing for
us, and it seemed like a good time to finish the lyrics
and have her do it. My daughter Heather helped out
on the chant vocals, as did Jimmy’s wife, Eve, and
daughter, Julie. Chris VonBartheld played the keys,
with Tinch, Keith, and Jimmy doing the rest; and we
released it as a single in late August 2015, backed
with a new version of “I Love Apostle Paul.” We
didn’t plan this, but both songs we spoofed were #1
hits in 1982. In fact, they were the only two new #1
songs that year to solely feature a female on lead
vocals. And dig this: both lead singers were born
in Philadelphia and neither went by her given name
(Antonia Basilotta or Joan Larkin). What’s more, both
songs were cover versions of non-hits from the 70’s
that were originally released by British-based male
bands. “Mickey” is a remake of a song called “Kitty,”
released in 1979 by Racey. “I Love Rock N’ Roll”
was first done by The Arrows in 1975.
Hey, Nicky – you come around at night and ask about the Law
You like to talk to Christ ‘cause you think He comes from God
Why can’t you see the light so you can teach them all, Nicky?
The wind blows where it wills and no one sees it blow
The same with those He fills – they believe, they just know
Every night you still leave with heart of stone, Nicky
O, Nicky, what a pity, you don’t understand
Salvation’s kind of hard when you ain’t been born again
No, Nicky, there’s some things you can’t do as a man
But God likes you, Nicky
He’ll help you through, Nicky, through, Nicky, open your heart, Nicky
Hey, Nicky – now when you take these Bible truths
Then you’re gonna know
Every time you do you’ll get a little more shown
There’s nothing to confuse – so don’t play dumb, Nicky
So come on now, Nicodemus, anybody can
Any man or woman who believes is born again
The breeze in the trees still leaves its evidence, Nicky
REPEAT OPENING CHANT
O, Nicky, John 3:3 through 21 expands
You take this all to heart and you’ll take the Promised Land
O, Nicky, 7:50 there in John again
We find out you, Nicky
Still want the truth, Nicky, truth, Nicky, open your heart, Nicky
Oh, Nicky, John 19 verse 39 I scanned
You play a vital part in the Savior’s burial plan
Oh, Nicky, when it’s finished then you’ll understand
What God must do, Nicky
He loves you, too, Nicky, too, Nicky, open your heart, Nicky
373
No Chain
Parody of:
“No Rain” by Blind Melon
Blind Melon
Bible References:
2 Timothy 2:8-9
All I can say is that my Bible’s pretty plain
It’s not that difficult to understand
And I’ve read it through and I think you should read it, too
But teachers at the school say it’s not safe, it’s not safe
Don’t care what anyone may say to me
I’m gonna read it anyway
I know they’d like to get my teeth extracted
So I can’t say what I have to say
And I don’t understand why the people say
That I’m not separating church and state
When all that I do is read a book that says to me
To forgive my enemies and pray that they get saved
Get saved, get saved
Paul writes to me; he says in Second Timothy
You know the Gospel still gets through even if I’m in chains
It’s not chained, it’s not chained
I just want someone to explain to me
Why can’t I read it anyplace?
You know I’d like to use my free speech rights today
So let me say what I have to say
J’s Journal:
This is a song sung by a student wondering why
he gets harassed for wanting to read his Bible.
I’m reminded of 2 Timothy 2:8-9, where the
Apostle Paul says, “Remember Jesus Christ, raised
from the dead, descended from David. This is my
gospel, for which I am suffering even to the point
of being chained like a criminal. But God’s word
is not chained.” History shows that true faith in
Christ thrives in the face of persecution. I’m not
looking for persecution, nor am I looking forward to
it, but the point is, people have tried to suppress
the Gospel for 2000 years. They’re long gone,
and the Gospel’s still going strong.
374
No Existence
Parody of:
“No Excuses” by Alice in Chains
Jerry Cantrell
Bible References:
Psalm 53:1
It’s your life; you must decide
Did God create us? Is Earth a piece of slime?
You say you don’t know; you gotta face it though
No more hidin’ behind the lies that you’ve been told
Every atheist will risk an awful lot
To blindly satisfy themself
No existence without God
If you say, we had a Big Bang
And everything was made by accident
Think it through; what’s that make you?
Your thinking process would be accidental, too
Every atheist forgets an awful lot
You find out when you find yourself
Yeah, that slime just sprang to life
Use your brain ... that don’t obey the laws of science
You, my friend, still can’t defend
How something same out of nothing, anyway
Let me say something, Mister Asimov
He found out and you’ll find yourself
J’s Journal:
The only fossilized evidence that still exists of this
parody about creation vs. evolution is on our Rare
Not Well Done downloads. We had considered this
song for our Ticked CD, but there wasn’t enough
room, so we let the song “A Lie” speak for our
position on the topic instead. This one was recorded
live on May 5, 1995, at Jumonville Retreat Center
in Hopwood, PA. It was originally released on a
homemade cassette called Live ‘95. We finally got
around to properly recording a spoof of Alice in
Chains in 2013 with the song “Man on a Cross”
on Hot Potato Soup. The heart of this song is in its
center: if “everything was made by accident – Think
it through; what’s that make you? Your thinking
process would be accidental, too.” 375
No One Is Good but One
Parody of:
“Only the Good Die Young” by Billy Joel
Billy Joel
Bible References:
Matthew 19:17, 27:51; Mark 10:18; Luke 18:19;
Romans 3:10, 3:23, 6:23; Psalms 14:1-3, 53:1-3;
Isaiah 64:6; Jeremiah 17:9
J’s Journal:
Here’s one from the prophet Joel – Billy Joel. It’s
another from that period in the mid-1990’s when I
was writing a lot, but we weren’t recording anything.
The first time I heard the original as a young teen,
I had no idea what the song was about. Sometime
later, my mom (who liked Billy Joel’s songs like
“Just the Way You Are,” “My Life,” and “She’s
Always a Woman”), told me she’d read about some
controversy involving that song and the Catholic
church. When I got older and could understand
the words Billy was saying and what they meant,
I understood the controversy. But there’s an even
more fundamental controversy at stake here.
Whether they die young or old, can human beings
really be good? In the original, Billy is trying to get
a “good” girl to do something she believes is “bad.”
But the Bible says that none of us are truly good,
and we all repeatedly do bad things. In fact, three
separate times it uses the same quote, “There is no
one righteous, not even one” (Psalms 14:3, Psalms
53:3, and Romans 3:10). Jesus put it this way:
“No one is good except God alone” (Mark 10:18).
Thankfully, Jesus also said He was God, and the
Bible says, “This righteousness is given through faith
in Jesus Christ to all who believe” (Romans 3:22).
Yes, He loves you just the way you are, but He loves
you too much to leave you that way. “Therefore, if
anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The
old has gone, the new is here!” (2 Corinthians 5:17).
Come out you sinners – don’t hesitate
Half of the world learns much too late
Ah, but you need a savior – it comes down to faith
The righteous – well, gee, there’s none
Well, they showed you the statutes – told you obey
Sent you to temple and taught you to pray
But they never told you the price had been paid
For sins that you might have done
‘Cause no one is good – but one
You might have heard that once when the temple was around
The Place Most Holy was draped with a shroud
The high priest entered there just for a while
Ah, but that was for atonement
So c’mon to Jesus, I’ll show you a sign
Temple officials I’m sure were surprised
To see that curtain divide when He died
Whenever He said it was done
Darlin’ no one is good – but one
That’s what I said – No one is good but one
No one is good but one
You got a righteousness that’s a pile of dirty rags you’re makin’
You need a brand new soul – you better toss the old
Well, verse 64:6 it’s in Isaiah, the information
Ooh look in Psalm 14
And Paul recounts it all in Romans 3
Oh oh oh, they say there’s a heaven for those await
One way to get there and that way is faith
And when the last of the sinners arrives through the gates
Definitive judgment comes
Darlin’ no one is good but one
That’s what I said ... I tell ya no one is good but one
No one is good but one
SAX SOLO
Jeremiah told ya all our hearts were sick beyond imagination
Ah, it’s chapter 17
But do I have to tell you everything?
Oh oh oh – come out, come out, come out
Psalm 53 – get it straight – Half of the world learns much too late
Do me a favor – and come now in faith
The righteous will see the sun
But darlin’ no one is good but one ...
376
No Shepherd Tonight/New Other Nature
Parody of:
“No Sugar Tonight/New Mother Nature” by The
Guess Who
Randy Bachman & Burton Cummings
Bible References:
Matthew 26:31-35; Luke 22:31-34, 22:54-62
J’s Journal:
To parody this two-part song, it was important to
find two themes that fit together and paralleled the
feel of the original music, moving from something
bitter and sad to something cool and upbeat. Peter
was perfect for the part, denying Jesus before His
crucifixion but proclaiming Him after His ascension
(and the giving of the Holy Spirit at Pentecost). The
formerly cowardly apostle changed so much so
quickly – it probably seemed like no time at all – that
if he’d been wearing a mask, nobody would have been
able to guess who he was! We wrote and recorded a
first take of this back in 1992 as “No Way to Deny/
New Other Nature” on our Parable Guy cassette
and even performed it live a time or two that year. I
was never happy with “No Way to Deny” – it didn’t
sound enough like the original words – but I loved
“New Other Nature,” because that’s what we get
when we come to Christ. As it says in 2 Corinthians
5:17, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new
creation; the old has gone, the new has come!”
When we hauled this one back out for Soundproof in
2010, it was time for me to find something better
for the first part; and God came through with “No
Shepherd Tonight,” which I love, and many other
improved lyrics – well worth the 18-year wait.
When we used to play this live, I loved watching
the expressions on people’s faces as they followed
what was going on in the song and realized that
Peter was changing as the song changed.
Told the people three big lies
I was cornered, so I denied
Violent bloodshed frightened me
Sudden harshness – but I can see
No shepherd tonight as the flock leaves
No shepherd tonight while I grieve
No shepherd whose hand can guide me
No shepherd to comfort me
Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah
Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah
Nah, nah, nah, nah
He said, Simon you’ll deny
My involvement in your life tonight
I said, Not me – no, not I
Now I’ve proven He was right
No shepherd tonight – I was cocky
No shepherd tonight – now I flee
No shepherd could stand the sight of me
No shepherd would want this sheep
Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah
Nah, nah, nah, nah
BREAK
John could say it best but I met Jesus
And we talked about the things I said
I didn’t have the faith or the guts till He said
I’d be shepherd and He wasn’t dead
He’s risen up now - the changes I’ve been through
With wonders, miracles, and signs
I know I did wrong, but I’m only strong because
The Spirit wasn’t far behind, ‘cause
It’s the new other nature takin’ over
It’s the new splendid way He’s changed us all
It’s the new other nature takin’ over
He’s changin’ us all, He’s changin’ us all
John could say no, but when James died that night
I took it like I lost a friend
But no use bawlin’ ‘cause then I was hauled in
To the prison and I feared the end
A glow filled the room and I saw an angel
He said, you’re breakin’ out tonight
I’m glad he took me but I thought at the time
It was a vision but I’m alive and
CHORUS
377
None Too Ladylike
Parody of:
“1985” by Bowling for Soup
John Allen, Mitch Allan & Jaret Reddick
Bible References:
1 Kings 16:30-32, 18:3-19, 19:1-2, 21:1-26;
2 Kings 9:7-22, 9:30-37
J’s Journal:
The Old Testament is full of heroes, but Queen
Jezebel is one of its biggest villains – a supervillain,
if you will. One of the greatest days for the people
of ancient Israel was when Jezebel finally went
down for the count in 2 Kings chapter 9. She’d
oppressed the God-fearing people of the land for
so long they almost couldn’t believe she really
might be gone for good. Although her husband,
King Ahab, and son, King Ahaziah, sat on the
throne while she was queen, Jezebel was the true
kingpin of the regime. Despite all her atrocities,
though, Jezebel seemed to view General Jehu’s
bloody overthrow (literally) of her government as
a takeover she didn’t deserve. But in the end, her
occult enchantments couldn’t spare her own life.
And when Jehu finally did strike, it was time for the
Israelites to get happy. I got the idea for this song
while driving my daughters to and from Wednesdaynight church. That’s funny, because it wound up
being my daughters’ favorite song on Wordplay,
although they’d never heard the original.
Jezebel hit the wall, she really had a fall
What a happy day for Israel’s PTA
She screamed a lot for sure when she fell 20 floors
Finally bit the dust, man – God overthrew her plans
She was into Baal and Asherah – She was gonna be in charge
She was gonna just harass all the good Israelites at large
She fell, oh, yes indeed – Here’s now her eulogy
Look at her savage life – another desperate housewife
If you’re thinking Madonna was wild before Kabbalah
Well there used to be one queen who made her look like Mrs. Clean
Her stupid old husband, he gave her what she wanted
But she killed and often lied
She’s none too, none too, none too ladylike
She killed all the prophets she could ever find
Wrecked Israel’s idiot kings Ahab and Ahaziah
She mocked God’s commands – not a big Leviticus fan
Got the upper hand on the men around who ran the land
Where’s the ministers? Made ‘em pagan
And she’s no mother-type; this isn’t Nancy Reagan
When immorality becomes PC, what can the righteous do?
Skip town, lay low ‘cause that lady’s a bloodthirsty piranha
Ahab was her pawn just like Count Dooku in Part 3
And Jezebel’s like Palpatine
She’s ruthless and ice cold – Don’t tell us that she’s nice, though
Cause she serves the darker side
These hate crimes – they did stop
General Jehu led an assassin’s plot
And when she saw he was comin’ after her
Her face just dropped, dropped, dropped
And now we’re singing cantatas – Happy Rosh Hashana
And it’s due to just one thing – That Jezebel is history
The prophet she talked to, He told her she’d be dogfood
‘Cause she killed, she ought to die
She’s none too ladylike
First Kings 16, you’re gonna meet her if you wanna
Filled with voodoo, debauchery – Her name lives on in infamy
The truth’s in the Bible – She’d love Samaritan Idol
She’d choose Baal and not Bo Bice
378
Not Logs Lincoln
Parody of:
“Hot Rod Lincoln” by Commander Cody
Charlie Ryan & W.S. Stevenson
Bible References:
Genesis 6-8
J’s Journal:
I wrote this song in 1992, I believe. We were playing
it “live” as early as June 1992, because it originally
appeared on our Get Your Wigs cassette, which
was recorded “live” at the Paradise Club in June
1992. I wanted to write a song that would have
all the facts and figures regarding the dimensions
of Noah’s Ark (inspired by Bill Cosby’s “What’s a
cubit?” comment), the number of animals, and
the amount of time that elapsed during the story.
I knew the “Not Logs Lincoln” part was crazy,
but it was too much fun to pass up, and I figured
people would remember the classic toy Lincoln
Logs. Make sure you listen for the moment in the
song when our drummer, Rick Servocky, drops a
stick and has to keep playing. He shouts “Ahhh!”
We recorded a new version of this song live in
September 2010 at a concert in Alpharetta GA for
inclusion on our Classics: Country CD. Noah had to have a boat to survive or he’d be sinkin’
So he built it out of gopher wood and not logs Lincoln!
Well, have you heard the story of the giant ship
Which Noah started buildin’ in Genesis 6
That story’s true, I’m here to say
There’s archeological evidence around today
One day God decided He’d finally had enough,
Told Noah and his family it was time to pack up
Said, Build yourself an ark out of pitch and wood,
I’m gonna hit the earth with a worldwide flood
300 cubits long by 50 cubits wide
Make it 30 cubits deep for a roomy inside
With three decks dividin’ and windows on the top
Then start gatherin’ animals and just don’t stop
450 feet long if my numbers are correct
75 feet wide with the same three decks
So the roomy inside’s 45 feet deep
That’s more than a million and a half cubic feet
Let’s look at displacement just for fun; that’s 43,300 tons
So the basic dimensions you could probably say
Were about the same as many ocean liners today
So the Lord told Noah he was gonna start a zoo:
Take seven of every clean animal, two
Of every unclean one, male and its mate
And stick ‘em in the ark and don’t be late
Now, I read somewhere there’s about 290
Main species of land animals you can find
That are larger than sheep and not only that
There’s 757 more from sheep to rats
With 1,358 more species
That are smaller than rats, well, you know it wasn’t easy
But it says there in Genesis 6:22,
Noah did everything the Lord commanded him to do
And his other son, Japheth and the wives of each of them
And he got inside the ark, when he turned 600,
And the sky grew dark and it probably thundered
On the 17th day of the second month, then,
Well, the springs of the great deep burst open
And the floodgates of the heavens opened up wide
And the Lord sent rain 40 days and 40 nights
So the rains came down and the floods kept risin’
Over the tops of the mountains and the whole horizon
And the waters stayed level for 150 more
And a bunch of birds later, Noah opened up the door
After 371 days in the ark, old Noah got out, and he prob’ly said “Hark!
“I’m glad I had a boat to survive or I’d be sinkin’,
That’s why I built it out of gopher wood and not logs Lincoln!
379
Not Named Job
Parody of:
“Old Time Rock and Roll” by Bob Seger
George Jackson & Thomas Jones
Bible References:
Job 13:15, James 1:2
Just take that old Bible off the shelf
I’m sick of feelin’ sorry for myself
Today’s problems might be bad but even so
I thank the Lord that I’m not named Job
Job was righteous man with lots of wealth
He had a family and perfect health
But Satan took it all and tried to steal his soul
That kind of sufferin’ would kill my soul
When I start gettin’ down and feelin’ low
He lost his family, he lost his sheep
He lost his animals, his friends were creep
He lost his temper, man, but not his control
CHORUS
Call it a fable but I know it’s true
Say I’m old-fashioned but I’ll say this to you
I’m just so awful glad it happened long ago
J’s Journal:
Nine years before we released “Old Time Romans
Road” on Keep the Change, we were already
performing this very different parody of “Old
Time Rock and Roll.” Although it may be the only
ApologetiX parody about Job you know of, Yoda
would say, “No, there is another … and another.”
Those other Job parodies comprise a two-part song
we had slated for our all-Beatles project in 1996,
and they made it onto the Beatleg cassette but
not onto Rare Not Well Done. Considering what a
mess “Not Named Job” is, you might wonder just
how bad a recording has to be to not make the cut
on Rare Not Well Done! But this recording still has
its charms and captures the humor and absurdity of
the early ApologetiX shows. For example, a guest
trumpeter … really? Like Job’s life, our early concert
performances were often a case of “whatever
can go wrong probably will,” but they were a lot
more amusing. This recording came from our fifth
concert ever, on June 20, 1992, at the Paradise
Club in Irwin, PA. We released it on our first live
cassette, Get Your Wigs, in June 1992.
380
Not Some Old Fantasy
Parody of:
“Rock and Roll Fantasy” by Bad Company
Paul Rodgers
Bible References:
2 Peter 1:16, Luke 1:1-4, John 21:24-25,
1 Corinthians 15:3-8, 1 John 1:1-3
Here you come the questions – 1, 2, 3
Is the Bible a fantasy?
How come you use it when all others seem to doubt?
Can’t you realize that thing is out of style?
Yeah
Here come the answers from my tongue
They’re marvelous stories but they happened once
You’ll find your answers if you’re humble not proud
Look yourself and get one now and read it out loud
If you’re smart, the Bible’s not some old fantasy
It’s just not some impossible dream
LEAD
CHORUS
Pull down the stop signs from that wall
And let God really get down to your soul
The truth is so alive you can feel it now
Read it for yourself – who cares about the crowd?
CHORUS
J’s Journal:
Once I finally read the Bible for myself, I discovered
an amazing thing: People who denounce the Bible
the most are often those who’ve read it the least.
The Apostle Peter put it this way: “We did not follow
cleverly invented stories when we told you about
the power and coming of our Lord Jesus Christ,
but we were eyewitnesses of his majesty” (2 Peter
1:16). The Bible doesn’t cover up embarrassing
incidents like Noah’s drunkenness, Abraham’s
deception, Moses’ doubts, David’s adultery, Peter’s
denial, or Paul’s former persecution of Christians. It
also holds believers to incredibly high standards for
morals, including honesty. Jesus told the truth even
when He knew it would cause Him to lose followers
and lead to His execution. So when He tells us He is
the way, the truth, and the life, and nobody comes
to the Father except through Him (John 14:6), we
can believe Him. Furthermore, prophets in the Old
Testament and Apostles in the New put their lives
at risk (and many lost their lives), because they
believed telling the truth was more important than
telling people what they wanted to hear, so when
they tell about God’s miracles in the Old Testament
and Jesus’ miracles in the New (including His
resurrection), we can believe them. I never had a
particular desire to spoof this Bad Company song,
but the words for the first verse came to me pretty
quickly, and I liked them too much stop there.
381
Obadiah
Parody of:
“Hold the Line” by Toto
David Paich
Bible References:
The Book of Obadiah, Amos 1:11-12
J’s Journal:
I got the line “Obadiah wasn’t a talky kind of guy”
a few years before writing this parody. But how do
you build a full-length song out of the shortest book
in the Old Testament? I guess we’d already done
that with “Obed-Edom Obadiah,” which appears
on Rare Not Well Done Vol. 1. That song actually
tells more of the story. For this one, I felt led to go
in a different direction and point out that although
Obadiah and some of the minor prophets didn’t have
as much to say as Isaiah, Jeremiah, Ezekiel, and
Daniel, what they said was still important and still
came true (or will come true). I also liked getting the
little-known fact in there that although Isaiah has
12 more chapters, Jeremiah is a longer book. When
I originally wrote the song and recorded my vocals,
I forgot that Habakkuk only had three chapters (I
was thinking it had four). Thankfully, God brought
that to my attention a couple months before we had
the album finished, and I was able to rewrite that
portion of the song to include Habakkuk. I recorded
a couple lines in the back of our bus with Hubie on
a portable recorder before a concert in Fairmount
City, PA in July 2009. I liked Toto even before their
mammoth Toto IV success, but I was more of a “99”
fan than a “Hold the Line” fan. I get a kick out of
the fact that we have a Kansas song just five songs
ahead of a Toto song on the Recovery ... it reminds
me of Dorothy’s famous line in The Wizard of Oz:
“Toto, I have a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
He’s not like Isaiah but he’s holy
Does not have Isaiah’s way with words
He’s not Jeremiah or Ezekiel my friends
He’s not really famous like Daniel and them
Does not have a great big book
But the things that he said all came true
Obadiah wasn’t a talky kind of guy
No, no, no
Obadiah wasn’t a talky kind of guy
No, no, no
The prophets had words that they told the – world
The longest of them was Jeremiah – wooo
The prophet Isaiah had more chapters than he
But he double spaced them or something it seems
Along with those great big books
There’s a dinky one-chapter book, too
CHORUS
The prophets had words that they told us
A lot of them wasted little time – whooo
Zeph’niah, Joel, and Nahum wrote three chapters each
Habakkuk the same, Haggai one less than these
But topping the names of books
With the thinnest of pages is who?
CHORUS
382
Obed-Edom Obadiah
Parody of:
“Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da” by The Beatles
Bible References:
Obadiah 1:1-2, 1:10; Malachi 1:2-4; Amos 1:11-12
J’s Journal:
About 14 years before we released “Obadiah” on
Recovery, I wrote “Obed-Edom Obadiah,” our first
parody about Obadiah. Obed-Edom and Obadiah are
two biblical names that don’t have much to do with
each other, except for the fact that they sound cool
together. However, Obed-Edom means “servant
of Edom,” and in a sense, Obadiah was a servant
of Edom, because he served them a prophecy of
impending judgment from the Lord. “Ob-la-di, Ob-lada” was one of the first Beatles songs I ever heard,
courtesy of my older sister Gayle singing and playing
it on her acoustic guitar. This parody actually tells a
lot more about the contents of the book of Obadiah
than our song “Obadiah” does (but that wasn’t a talky
kind of song). It was recorded live at Lazarus’ Tomb
in Arnold, PA on March 9, 1996, and first released
on a homemade cassette called Beatleg in late 1996.
Deep inside the Bible you can mark the place
Smallest book in the Old Testament
There you’ll find the prophet Obadiah’s space
And if at first you do not see him, try again
Obed-Edom, Obadiah, why so small, bro?
Smallest prophet of them all
Obed-Edom, Obadiah, why so small, bro?
Smallest prophet of them all
Edom tried to polish off the Jews for sure
Why? Because of their old rivalry
Every time a foreign army came for war
Against Jerusalem the Edomites would sing
“Oh, bad Edom,” Obadiah prophesied, “Bro
Now you’re gonna have to fall!”
“Oh, bad Edom,” Obadiah prophesied, “Bro
Now you’re gonna have to fall!”
In a couple of years, they will tear you down, Edom
And Jehovah will teach you there is a price
For messin’ with those He loves
Happy ever after in the modern days
Israel’s back inside the Promised Land
Edomites have disappeared without a trace
And as for Edom it’s just mostly desert sand
Too bad, Edom, Obadiah tried to warn ya
God was watchin’ after all
In a couple of years, they will tear you down, Edom
And Jehovah will teach you there is a price
For messin’ with those He loves
Happy ever after in the modern days
Israel’s back inside the Promised Land
Edomites have disappeared without a trace
And as for Edom it’s now somewhere in Jordan
And if you got some time, just go read Obadiah
NOTE: Obed-Edom and Obadiah are two biblical names that don’t have much to do
with each other, except for the fact that they sound cool together. However, ObedEdom means “servant of Edom,” and in a sense, Obadiah was a servant of Edom,
because he served them a prophecy of impending judgment from the Lord.
383
Offer Your Prayer
Are you goin’ to offer your prayer:
“Lord, please save those near me in time”
Remember He truly wanted you there
To be someone through whom love would shine
Parody of:
“Scarborough Fair/Canticle” by Simon & Garfunkel
Paul Simon & Art Garfunkel
Bible References:
Matthew 5:14-16, 9:37-38
J’s Journal:
Luke Hoey did a splendid job on the acoustic
guitar for this. I got the idea for the lyrics in late
September 2014 while driving my kids to school.
It all started with my remembering that as a kid I
used to think Simon & Garfunkel were singing “Can
we save Rosemary in time?” If you’re concerned
about the salvation of your loved ones, remember
that Jesus loves them more than you will know.
He put believers like us in those people’s lives to
pray for them and to model His love. As He said
in Matthew 5:16, “let your light shine before
others, that they may see your good deeds and
glorify your Father in heaven.” Meanwhile, you
should “always be prepared to give an answer to
everyone who asks you to give the reason for the
hope that you have” (1 Peter 3:15). Do you really
think any of us could love another human being – no
matter what their spiritual state – more than their
Creator, who knew them even before they were in
the womb (Jeremiah 1:5)? Paul says God “wants
all people to be saved and to come to a knowledge
of the truth” (1 Timothy 2:4). Peter says the Lord
is patient with us, “not wanting anyone to perish,
but everyone to come to repentance” (2 Peter 3:9).
Not everybody will accept our message, but in
Revelation 7:9 John speaks of the redeemed as “a
great multitude that no one could count, from every
nation, tribe, people and language.” Remember
all that as you offer your prayer. Tell Him to make you a candle on earth
(Shinin’ bright on a hill as you speak for His grace)
(Straight as an arrow that points them to Christ)
That all may see your righteous good works
(Blameless and steadfast – a child of the Almighty)
Then they’ll see the true Lord behind
(Despite a world that is cloudy and cold)
Help, Lord, to find me good favor with man
(God, as I do Your will while sprinkling Your seeds)
(Clutching the plow while sowing in tears)
To teach them Our Father’s amnesty plan
(Our souls You cleanse, abolishing our sin)
Then they’ll see the true love of Christ
Father, send reapers with their sickles from Heaven
(Here below saving a harvest of millions)
Lord, please save those near me in time
(Send them, oh Lord, as You told us You will)
And gather them all – an abundance of brethren
(As a bride for the Christ, Your one and own begotten)
Then they’ll see the Truth and the Life
Are you goin’ to God with your prayer:
Remember He truly wanted you there
He wants us – His true love to shine
384
Old Man
Now Methus’lah was a crusty bloke
Kept truckin’ until the flood broke
And if you’re thinkin’ it’s not floodin’
Well, don’t worry; your time’s comin’
I’m an old man – I’m an old man
Parody of:
“Soul Man” by Sam & Dave and The Blues
Brothers
Isaac Hayes & David Porter
Bible References:
Genesis 5:27, 2 Corinthians 4:16
J’s Journal:
Growing old can give anybody the blues. But it ain’t
so bad when you have eternal life and you know this
truth: “Though outwardly we are wasting away,
yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day”
(2 Corinthians 4:16). God recycles us and breathes
new life into us – kind of like the Blues Brothers did
in ‘78 with this Sam & Dave classic from ’67. Our
old sound man Greg Spack played guitar and bass on
this one, and we used a genuine horn section – three
guys from a local band called Street Level – Mike
“Mongo” Bajsec on alto sax, Jeff Martin on trumpet,
and George Dorow on tenor sax and harmonica.
Chris VonBartheld played the piano. Special thanks
to Jimmy for giving this song a “live” feel. This song
came out in mid-July 2014, along with “Fearful.”
My one eye’s shot – my hair’s gray
But my faith gets better each and every day
So what if – the doctor said
“If you eat meat – nothing red!”
I’m an old man – owwww
I’m an old man (It’s plain to see)
Was brought up on the fried meats
Now I look at a label before I can eat
I take medication and shouldn’t stop
When I start runnin’ – I just might drop
So glad to know
That I’m born again
It gives me hope
At each doctor’s appointment
Yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah)
You’re an old man – Hah! – I’m an old man
Hah! Hah!
385
Old Time Romans Road
Parody of:
“Old Time Rock and Roll” by Bob Seger
George Jackson & Thomas Jones
Bible References:
Romans 3:10, 3:23, 5:8, 5:12, 6:23, 8:1, 10:9
J’s Journal:
O.K., Bob Seger fans: the Old Time Romans Road
isn’t down on Main Street, and it doesn’t go to Fire
Lake. As many Christians know, the Romans Road
to Salvation is a short series of scriptures from the
book of Romans that guide you through God’s plan
of salvation as you turn the page. The basic stops on
the road are still the same – Romans 3:23, 5:8, 6:23,
and 10:9 – although some people also add others
like Romans 3:10, 8:1, and 10:13. This parody
was written as an effort to get more riders out on
that road and to help all you tour guides out there
remember where the stops are. I remember writing
a good portion of this around Easter time in 2001,
while visiting my in-laws in Kentucky. Just take those old directions off the shelf
I’m sending us into the Bible Belt
To take you the way God can save souls
I’ll ride that old time Romans Road
Don’t try to take me to a different road
You’ll never even get me – I’ll never go
But take me on the highway straight for the Lord
I like that old time Romans Road
That avenue it just saves your soul
I rev my engines down the streets of gold
With that old time Romans Road
Although I hear the way is narrow
All other avenues are bumpy old roads
There’s only one sure way to get me to God
That way’s the old time Romans Road
CHORUS
Romans 3:23 is what you read
Then find verse 5:8 then verse 6:23
Then take Romans 10:9 to save your soul
And that’s the old time Romans Road
CHORUS
That avenue it just saves your soul
I read a missive ‘bout the faith of old
It’s that old time Romans Road
386
Once Livin’ Twice Died
Parody of:
“Once Bitten Twice Shy” by Great White
Ian Hunter
Bible References:
John 3:3, Romans 7, Luke 16:19-31
J’s Journal:
I saw a bumper sticker once that read, “Born twice,
die once. Born once, die twice.” I thought that was
really cool, and that’s what inspired this song. Most
people have heard about about being born twice. As
the Bible says in John 3:3, “Jesus answered and
said unto him, ‘Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except
a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of
God.’ ” What about dying twice, though? Revelation
20:14-15 says, “And death and hell were cast
into the lake of fire. This is the second death. And
whosoever was not found written in the book of life
was cast into the lake of fire.” I got the idea for
this one on the same night I got the idea for “Sin
Can Be Resistible,” and I wasn’t planning on doing
anything with either of those songs beforehand. By
the time I got to my hotel room in La Grange, KY
that night, I couldn’t wait to write down everything.
Well it’s time to get a start that’s new, little girl
You’ve been huntin’ and you’re stumblin’ all over God’s Word
You can’t remember where you got so much sin
And you don’t know just how we’re born again
You didn’t know what a rotten soul was
Until you read in John where chapter three told us
Christ was there with Nick at nite
Be born again, He said, or else you’ll stay died ... yeah
Now it’s the middle of your life and you’re growin’ old
You see there’s God’s word in a hotel drawer
You look inside – the Book is kinda neat
The written word ya read sure knocks you off your feet
You didn’t know how a rotten soul cooked
Until you caught the rich man in the gospel of Luke
That hit home and your heart got hot
You said, “It looks like it’s time
I was gettin’ right with God”
I said, my, my, my – you’re once livin’ twice died, babe
My, my, my – I’m once dead and twice alive, babe
My my my – you’re once livin’ twice died, babe
Woman you’re a mess gonna die in your sins
There’s blood of the Lamb if you let Christ in
Can’t keep Him out – confess with your mouth
You best read Romans 10 cause that’s where it’s found
You didn’t know that a rotten soul burned
Now you’ve got the manual and you’ll live if you learn
You’ve got the picture – you’ve got to speak
Come to Him and pray and make it short and sweet
CHORUS
You didn’t know they let rotten souls in Heaven
Until you saw the scripture there in Romans chapter 7
You told me, “I want to know the Son”
And look at you now – your darkness is gone
CHORUS
387
One Headline
Parody of:
“One Headlight” by The Wallflowers
Jakob Dylan
Bible References:
Mark 16:15, Luke 24:33-34, Acts 5:42, Romans
10:15, 1 Corinthians 15:5
J’s Journal:
I got the title, first verse, and chorus for this song
in the winter of 1997-98. The second and third
verses took a little longer ... 17 years! Actually,
it was just a matter of finally bearing down and
saying, “I love what we already have, and I’m sure
the rest of the parody is in there someplace. Let’s
get the guys started recording it and trust that
God will provide the other lyrics.” Well, He not only
gave me the rest of the words; He helped me notice
something I’d overlooked in the many times I’d read
the Resurrection accounts before. I think most of
us are familiar with the story in John’s Gospel of
how Peter and John ran to the tomb and found it
empty (but did not see Jesus), and we all know that
Jesus appeared to the Apostles that evening when
all of them, except Thomas, were together. But I’d
overlooked the fact that in Luke 24:34, the apostles
tell the disciples who’ve just returned from Emmaus,
“The Lord has risen and has appeared to Simon.” And
that Paul says in 1 Corinthians 15:5, “He appeared
to Cephas (Peter), and then to the Twelve.” I was
familiar with those verses, of course, but I’d never
really pondered their implication that Jesus must
have appeared to Peter sometime between the
empty tomb visit Sunday morning and the apostolic
gathering Sunday evening. That opened up some
great possibilities for the second verse, and the third
verse followed fairly easily after that.
So long ago I don’t remember when
That’s when He said “You must be born again”
But since He died Jesus hasn’t spoken much to me
My visit to this cemetery’s bleak
He said the Son’s comin’ back when the funeral is done
I’ve long hoped He’d somehow pull it off
The stone it’s been rolled away and all we have’s an empty grave
I wonder if He hung around this place
Hey-ey-ey – come on try to listen – you can get forgiven
This Gospel means something better than just religion
But we have seen the savior – put it in all the papers
We can drive it home – with one headline
She said He told me to get His friends and say
The Man they put faith in has been raised
So there’s got to be a hope that He
Could somehow He even pardon me
Through His amazing holiness and grace
I see the Son up ahead as those doubts of mine fade
Says all is good, there’s nothing left to dread
I run and tell the other friends
The Man they killed is not still dead
But in the end there’s just three words I said
Hey-ey-ey – come on try to listen – you can get forgiven
But me, I’ve seen the savior – put it all the papers
My faith is bold – still they might just beat us up
They heard the message but the lesson wasn’t learned
We tell them Jesus Christ is resurrected
They just all act circumspect
Sometimes I think they’d like to watch us burn
I’ve seen it all – and He’s just like nobody else
Man, I’ve been changed, and I’ll never be the same
And some will hear instantly
But in this drama’s final scene
I think the skeptics might be killing me
Hey, hey, hey-ey-ey-ey-ey
Come on try to listen – You can get forgiven
But we have seen the savior – put it all the papers
388
One More Wall
Today is gonna be the day
Those in Jericho will have to move
Right now the trumpets gonna sound
We will rise up and conquer you
You don’t believe that anyone can
Really break on through behind your wall
Parody of:
“Wonderwall” by Oasis
Noel Gallagher
Bible References:
Joshua 6, 2 Corinthians 10:3-5, Nahum 1:9
J’s Journal:
This parody about pulling down strongholds starts
with Joshua but continues on to modern times.
Whether it’s in Jericho or Berlin, it’s just one more
wall for God to knock down. All around the world,
whatever raises itself up against the knowledge of
God will be shaken by our Maker. It may be here
now, but it’ll be falling down soon enough. For more
info, you should definitely read 2 Corinthians 10:35 and maybe all of Joshua 6, too, while you’re at
it. The reference to the Berlin Wall coming down
“today” was a lot fresher when I wrote this song
back in the 1990’s. By the time we recorded it in
2014, some of our younger listeners might have
been wondering what we were talking about.
I see the warriors laugh at me
From the tower as they all look out
They’re sure the wall is so secure
And they never even had a doubt
They don’t believe that anyone can
Really break on through behind the wall
But all who war with Joshua are finding
In all the fights it seems the Lord’s behind me
There are many Israelites
To fight today with you – but you won’t come out
So, baby
Our God will make your wall just cave in
‘Cause after all
You’re just one more wall
Today the story is the same
As in Joshua in chapter six
Right now there’s walls comin’ down
Even like the one in East Berlin
Why don’t you read Second Corinthians*
10, ‘cause when you do, it tells you how
Our weapons are not fleshly but they’re mighty
For pulling down all fortresses and high things
Every single thing that tries
To fight the way of truth – will be broken down
And then Satan
Is gonna see his kingdom taken
It has to fall
It’s just one more wall
I said, Satan
Is gonna be the one that’s shaken
He has to fall
He’s just one more wall
I said, Satan (said Satan)
Is gonna be the one that’s shaken (that’s shaken)
389
One Night in Bethlehem
Parody of:
“One Night in Bangkok” by Murray Head
Benny Andersson, Björn Ulvaeus & Tim Rice
Bible References:
Micah 5:2, Luke 2:3-16, Matthew 2:1-16,
Jeremiah 1:12, John 7:42
J’s Journal:
The narrator takes a historical and hysterical look
at Bethlehem, the hometown of King David that has
now become the birthplace of the King of Kings.
Then he looks at the implications and complications
that will follow. Our old friend and radio personality
Arron Daniels had been encouraging me to do a
parody of this song for years, because he thought it
would work very well with my voice. He sent me an
email to remind me about that in February 2013, so I
finally put it on the my iPod’s potential list. In July, it
finally dawned on me that we could do a Christmasoriented parody of it, and I instantly got a few
phrases that let me know there was a song in there.
Even so, this was the last song finished both lyrically
and vocally on Handheld Messiah. I was still finishing
up the lyrics while driving to the studio to record it!
Bankrupt, boring little city
And the city don’t know what a gift it is getting
But crammed Bethlehem has a guest star in her
Who goes with everything at Yule dinner
I’m surprised no one seemed to visit
Since the former king and psalmist was once born in it
Saul came, don’t you know he then moved
David’s his general, you can’t fault him for that can you?
He’s fightin’ with the Philistines – why waste time – on – on this place?
One night in Bethlehem the world played hostess
The barn was simple but it sure came cheap
The Son of God would change the winter solstice
And if you’re looking at the goats and sheep
I can see an angel flying up to me
Young child, Mary was his mother
But they’ll head down over to Egypt, brother
There’s a dragnet involved, it’s really such a pity
Herod’s looking for the boy – not looking apathetic
Wait a minute – He thinks one child can politically bring him down?
Jesus, young and sweet (young, sweet)
King Herod’s fed up and things are gonna get ugly
That guy’s a tough Tyrannosaurus whose every move is fast and furious
I’d get my kid across the state line at crunch time
One night in Bethlehem the start was humble
Not much to see but there was history
One guy was sent to end the 12 Tribes’ troubles
So be prepared to meet your coming king
I can see the Gentiles watch expectantly
Wise men are gonna be in Guinness
As the ultimate quest to celebrate Christmas
These gifts seem more than you’d have
Brought a young ruler of the Tribe of Judah
Praise God, He’s always watching His Word, fulfilling it
I don’t see two guys raised in the time and place Zion’s prophets placed Him
I’ll bet you lunch you couldn’t find two
But it seems these clues do not entice you
So you’d better go back to the start, and the symbols from your forefathers
One night in Bethlehem the world rejoices
The barn’s no temple, but that Boy’s a Priest
It’s time for God so raise your golden voices
He’s in the flesh, a little mystery
I can see the angels flying just to see
One night in Bethlehem the start was humble
Not much to see but there was history
The Christ was sent to end the 12 Tribes’ troubles
And with a careful look at prophecy
I can see a dreidel on your Christmas tree
390
One of These Guys
One of these guys – one of these favorites of Mine
We’re gonna find out did Me wrong now
Once they’re done tonight
The cock will be crowing as Peter denies
And the rest of you head for your homes
You don’t believe it – You’re My disciples
But I’ve gotta do this alone
Parody of:
“One of These Nights” by The Eagles
Don Henley & Glenn Frey
Bible References:
Matthew 26:20-35
J’s Journal:
Set during the Last Supper, in this parody Jesus
predicts that He will be betrayed by one of His
apostles, denied by another, and abandoned by all.
Most of them were sad and shocked to hear the
news. “Is it true?” they all wondered in disbelief.
But Judas couldn’t hide his lies from the Lord, and he
had already gone to the authorities by the time the
Last Supper was over. We released this song in midAugust 2014 as part of a three-song EP called One
in Three, which featured three parodies whose titles
all started with the word “One” (the other two were
“One More Wall” and “One of Us Indeed”). Sounds
like a Jeopardy category, doesn’t it? Of course, One
in Three also alludes to the Trinity: one God in three
Persons. I wrote all three of those songs in 199697 but never noticed the similarity in titles until
we already had them all recorded. “One More Wall”
and “One of Us Indeed” wound up on Apoplectic in
November 2014, but we held back “One of These
Guys,” because we knew it was a key part of the
story in Easter Standard Time, which we’d eventually
release in March 2015. Tom Milnes was one guy
filling three roles on this song – guitars, bass, and
backing vocals. Maddie Bell also helped on some of
the stratospheric backing vocals. Special thanks to
Renaissance man Jimmy “Vegas” Tanner, who not
only drummed and engineered but also fixed a guitar
part in the intro by playing it himself. Ooh, Lord, we’ll stand beside you
Even if there’s trouble in sight
Ooh, Lord we won’t deny you
Swear we’re right behind you all of the time
One of you schemes – one of the apostles on my team, now
We’re gonna found out – wasn’t really clean
My insurgent one was brought here by the devil himself
Like the serpent was an angel of light
Lyin’, waitin’ for a moment to deliver me up
And I’ve a feelin’ that the moment is ripe
Ooh, some of us you’ll find true
Even if there’s one who’s a spy (Oh, whoa, whoa)
Ooh, Lord we’re right behind you
Swear we’ll stand beside you all of the time
LEAD
(One of these guys)
Ooh later in the garden tonight
Someone right beside me, Spirit who’s inside me
Indicates it’s one of these guys (One of these guys)
Whoo hoo hoo Whoo hoo hoo (One of these guys)
And I can feel it, I can feel it (One of these guys)
Comin’ up behind me, they’re all gonna find me now
(One of these guys)
And it’s gettin’ dark, so dark and lonely now
(One of these guys)
One who betrays me, slays me, makes me die
(One of these guys)
They’re all gonna try me, then they’ll crucify me now
(One of these guys)
Ooooh Ooooh (One of these guys)
And he’s on his way now
391
One of Us Indeed
God had a name – they called Him Jesus
He was born into this place just like the rest of us
You know His story
Why do you act as if you just don’t get it?
And you, you – got His grace
You, you – got His book
You, you – you, you, you
Parody of:
“One of Us” by Joan Osbourne
Eric Bazilian
Bible References:
Philippians 2:5-8; Isaiah 52:14-15, 53:2-3;
Hebrews 4:14-16
J’s Journal:
Back in 1995-96, Joan Osborne asked the music
question (and had everybody else singing along),
“What if God was one of us?” At the time, I said
to myself, “Duh! He was!” Some people just don’t
want to accept that fact or accept Him. God the Son
was born into this world as a bona fide, flesh-andblood human being. Jesus experienced all the things
we go through – hunger, thirst, weariness, injustice,
depression, temptation, persecution. He didn’t relish
them any more than we do, but He can empathize
with our weaknesses and intercede for us (Hebrews
4:15). I wrote this parody while the song was still a
hit, but we didn’t get around to recording it till 2014.
That’s a good thing, though; my daughter Janna
did a much better job on the vocals than I would
have if we’d attempted it back then!
Honey, God was one of us
He was not anonymous
And His name was called Jesus
It’s time to make His name known
God had a face
It didn’t look like any you’d wanna see
Isaiah said that He’d be lightly esteemed
And be rejected and be treated with disgrace
Like all of the prophets
You, you got His book
You, you, you, you, you
He did not look glamorous
When he saved us on a cross
Tryin’ to make us a home
Dyin’ to make us a home
Back up in Heaven on His throne
Nobody but Him could atone
So put your hope in Him alone
You, you got His book
You, you, you, you, you
Paid the cost for all of us
As the savior on the cross
Tired and naked, a-lone
Just dyin’ to make us a home
Christ the holy cornerstone
Now up in Heaven on His throne
We’ve gotta make His name known
Somebody grab the microphone
Inform that poor lady named Joan
392
medley
Parody of:
“One Thing Leads to Another” by The Fixx
Cy Curnin, Adam Woods, Jamie West-Oram, Rupert
Greenall & Alfie Agius
The deception’s worldwide
To what are you trying to pray
You’ve got a bland faith – your guru says
Communicate with any god you please
You see I mentioned this to
Make a case for black and white
But then one little cross leaves you shocked – it’s unique
You won’t discover though you seek
I know the … Truth, Life, and Way
Read John 14:6, baby, one thing leads to the Father
You tell me that I’m wrong
I’ve been a Christian too long, my friend
One way leads to the Father
Bible References:
John 14:6, Acts 4:12, 1 Timothy 2:5
J’s Journal:
This is the seventh of 10 songs in the “80’s
Medley (Octagon but Not Forgotten).” I started
writing it in 1999-2000 while preparing songs for
Spoofernatural. I finished it in 2011 on the way
home from a family trip to Kentucky, so when we
finally planned the medley I knew the Fixx was
in. Back when I was in secular bands, “One Thing
Leads to Another” was the kind of song that was
cool to jam on in practice, but we never seemed to
be able to make it the whole way through … another
good reason to put it in a medley. It’s based on one
of my favorite scriptures, John 14:6, where Jesus
says, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No
one comes to the Father except through me.” That
may be politically incorrect to say these days, but
it’s theologically correct to say always. As this
song says, the cross shocks atheists, skeptics, and
followers of other religions, because it’s unique –
God atoning for man’s sin Himself rather than man
attempting to atone for his own sins.
393
One Way
Parody of:
“One Week” by Barenaked Ladies
Ed Robertson
Bible References:
Matthew 7:13-14, 13:24; John 6:44, 14:6;
Luke 13:23-24; Acts 4:12; 1 Corinthians 8:5-6;
Deuteronomy 5:7, 6:4; Exodus 20:3
J’s Journal:
The Bible has a lot of different ways of telling us
there’s only one way to Heaven. In other words,
there are many verses but they all the say the same
thing. Jesus makes it clear in John 14:6: “I am the
way and the truth and the life. No one comes to
the Father except through me.” Peter adds in Acts
4:12, “Salvation is found in no one else, for there
is no other name under heaven given to men by
which we must be saved.” And Paul elaborates in 1
Timothy 2:5, “For there is one God and one mediator
between God and men, the man Christ Jesus
...” I remember working on this parody outside a
Salvation Army church in Somerset, PA. It’s one of
my all-time favorite ApologetiX songs.
It’s been one way, take a look and see
Up to Heaven, the Bible says it plainly
False faith and philosophy
Can’t get ya to Heaven – come back to Jesus
He’s the way and the living truth
You realize that all those false gods couldn’t help you
Yes indeed, He’s forgiven me
A He can still get you saved if you say you’re sorry
Holy cow they got you hoodwinked
With the pagan god thing
I think you’re lookin’ at also rans
But some of this superstition
Though it might be called religion
Finds find you sizzlin’ with the devil in the fryin’ pan
It’s not like the Bible says it one time
More like 300 times it says there’s only one avenue
First C’rinthians chapter 8:6, the Bible says this
You try to tell me that it’s not true
I think you’re makin’ a mistake
I’d like to take and wake and shake ya
Like to tell you how to find yourself the way there
Cause Jesus showed us and we know
Where every soul is gonna ago
Unless n’ they confess Him as their Lord and Savior
I cannot help it if I think there’s one way and you’re mad
Tryin’ hard not to sin but you’re still bad
There’s a time to die and after the funeral
Then you’ll understand what I mean when it’s too real
I have a tendency to stand behind John 14
John 14:6 could be my favorite Bible verse.
Deuteronomy says it pretty plainly
5:7 the passage reads:
“You shall have no other gods before me”
(You can) read Exodus halfway through
You read that line in chapter 20 ‘cause it’s there, too
Yes, indeed, chapter 20, verse 3
Now, it’s written in two places for you, and you saw it
(Catch your breath here)
Check into China – the Chinese Christians
They haven’t done zip but they’re chained up in prison
Cause they read their Bibles with the lights on
Or cause they prayed once
Or cause they spoke on their religion
In America it’s more like getting dandruff
They see you stand up
They snicker when they see you passin’ by
394
One Way (cont.)
Parody of:
“One Week” by Barenaked Ladies
Ed Robertson
Bible References:
Matthew 7:13-14, 13:24; John 6:44, 14:6;
Luke 13:23-24; Acts 4:12; 1 Corinthians 8:5-6;
Deuteronomy 5:7, 6:4; Exodus 20:3
J’s Journal:
(see previous page)
They’d cure us all of all our bad flaws
They wanna make laws
But if they did they’d have us sterilized
They get upset at anyone who tries definin’ God above
They’re so alarmed they always try to start attacking
Their attitude is that you’re rude
And that no truth is absolute anyway, babe
So let them think the wrong thing
I cannot help it if I think there’s one way into Heaven
Kinda hard to ignore Matthew chapter 7
I can find the line in Acts chapter 4:12
Cannot be saved by the name of someone else
I have First Timothy to verify my beliefs
There’s quite a bit to read but 2:5’s the verse
Drop your guard and your pride and say I’m sorry
Bible says what you have to do
It says you just confess that Christ is Lord – He’ll come in you
Believe that He’s risen, too
You’ll realize you’re born again, I wouldn’t tease you
Yes, indeed, we can all be saved
But there will still be too many who won’t say they’re sorry
And still Jesus waits till we say we’re sorry
And still Jesus waits so please say you’re sorry
At least God don’t speak in code like Hammurabi …
395
Parable Guy
Parody of:
“American Pie” by Don McLean
Don McLean
Bible References:
Mark 4:33-34
J’s Journal:
Jesus did so much of His teaching using parables,
and it’s easy to see why. Those word pictures stick
with you. Who can forget the images of the Prodigal
Son or the Good Samaritan? I wanted to cram as
many of His parables into one song as possible.
Thankfully, we used one of the longest hit songs
in rock history! I got the idea for this song in 1991
while driving home from visiting a girl I was dating
in Washington. It was a Sunday night, and the ideas
started coming at me like a meteor shower. I had
to pull over to the side of the road to write them
down. The original version of this song appeared on
our first homemade cassette, Parable Guy, in the
fall of 1992. Of course, I can never leave anything
alone, so I had changed most of the words by the
time we rerecorded it on Jesus Christ Morningstar
in 1998. If you listen closely to the version on
Morningstar, Karl’s dog, Marcel, barks in perfect
time with the words “selfish wealth.”
A long, long time ago, I can still remember
How amusing He could make things sound
And I knew if I’d had my pen
That I should take notes even then
And maybe then I’d have them for you now
But every word He said was clever
And every parable I remember
Matthew has recorded – and Luke, I think, has more yet
I can’t remember if I try
What I learned about in junior high
But some things taught by Jesus Christ
Remain, refusing to die
So bye, bye Mr. Parable Guy
Got my blessin’ through the lessons taught by Heaven’s Messiah
Them good old days of seekin’ wisdom divine
Sittin’ list’nin’ to the Parable Guy
Listen to the Parable Guy
Did you like the Book of Luke
And do you like fables that are true
If you like I’ll tell you some
Cause a true believer’s crop is slow
When seed gets wasted on the road, but
Plant ‘em deep and plow the land and they’ll grow
Now I know the storms will come again
So don’t start your mansion in the sand
He won’t pick off the fruits if that fig tree didn’t produce
And if a lowly widow won’t give up
She can make her case and win a wicked judge
But the new wine is powerful stuff
It waits for you to try
You gotta drink it
CHORUS
Now, if a shepherd’s sheep are all at home
And one goes out on his own alone
Well, that’s not where he needs to be
Won’t the shepherd search for the missing sheep
And of course, a woman doesn’t sleep
Till the coin she can’t find is retrieved
Oh, and while the kid was gettin’ down
And spendin’ all his money in town
Of course his father yearned – oh, for him to return
And all the weddin’ guests who don’t get smart
The Lord just catches them off guard
And leaves them virgins in the dark the day the groom arrives
Bells were ringin’
CHORUS
396
Parable Guy (cont.)
Parody of:
“American Pie” by Don McLean
Don McLean
Bible References:
Mark 4:33-34
J’s Journal:
(see previous page)
Selfish wealth it isn’t gonna help if
Your barns are stocked like a fallout shelter
Grain piled high with all your cash
The wedding has a lot of guests
Today it’s time for your formal best
I’d suggest you follow guidelines when you dress
Now at halftime there were things to do
So the farmer paid another crew
They all got paid for that – Oh, but the jealous ones were mad
And as the treasure finder pays takes the field
The merchant says this jewel’s a steal
They’ll lose it all for such a deal
And pay the fullest price
They got the kingdom
CHORUS
Oh, and there they were all in one place
From every nation, tongue and race
With goats and lambs apart in pens
So c’mon, drag the fishnet, catch the fish
Don’t splash that on your candlestick cause
Flour with the leaven’s gonna spread
Oh, and as they robbed him on the way
The man was left in disarray
No neighbor stopped to help
And he couldn’t save himself
And as a stranger finally pulled aside
He spied the battered Israelite
I saw Him save him gladly with delight
He made it through the night
He was strengthened
CHORUS
The little children sang the blues
And they blasted forth some happy tunes
But things just failed to turn their way
“I went out and I made some more!”
Said the servant who got his reward
But the man that had excuses couldn’t pay
And when the wheat was filled with weeds
The mustard climbed from the smallest seed
And all the birds were hopin’
The birdhouse now was open
And the thing that I admire most
From all those funny parables
They taught the lessons for the folks
Whose faith was rooted in Christ
Cause they were seekin’
CHORUS
397
Patients (1993)
Parody of:
“Patience” by Guns N’ Roses
Steven Adler, Duff McKagan, Axl Rose, Saul
Hudson & Izzy Stradlin
Bible References:
Jeremiah 17:9, Mark 2:17, Romans 3:10-23,
Proverbs 21:2
J’s Journal:
When I first discovered what the Bible had to say
about the general state of the human heart, I was
fascinated, because it contrasted so sharply with
pop music and pop culture in general. Society wants
to teach us that man is basically good and the heart
is the best part about him, whereas the Bible says,
“There is none righteous, no, not one” (Romans
3:10) and “the heart is deceitful above all things,
and desperately wicked” (Jeremiah 17:9). So we all
have spiritual heart disease. We’re sick. Thankfully,
Jesus said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor,
but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous,
but sinners” (Mark 2:17). I started thinking about
this world as a great big hospital, with some patients
who are going to make it and some who aren’t, all
depending on who they select as their physician and
whether they submit to the treatment He prescribes.
When Guns n’ Roses’ original version came out, I
wasn’t listening to secular radio (I was only familiar
with “Sweet Child O’ Mine” and “Welcome to the
Jungle”), but I was a camp counselor at a church
retreat, and some of the kids were talking about
it. One of the best ways to get me interested in a
song is to hear people talking about it, so when we
started doing parodies, I looked up the song, and
very quickly came up with the “patience/patients”
connection. We started playing this song live in
May or June of 1992, and it was one of the more
popular songs on our first cassette, Get Your Wigs.
I shed a tear ‘cause I’m wishin’ you would just
Open up your eyes
You still think this world’s a sunny day now
There was a time when I thought so, too, but now I
See it’s all a lie, there is no doubt it’s not that way now
Everyone is sick, you know, and the world is not that kind
All we are is just hospital patients
There’s a great physician, though
And if He healed the deaf and blind
Jesus Christ has what it takes to save us
It says in Jeremiah, Chapter 17
The heart is sick; it’s desperately deceitful
Don’t try and tell me that you don’t sin
And that your heart is squeaky clean
‘Cause you know every person deals with evil
Everyone is sick, you know, and the world is not that kind
All we are is just hospital patients
You can choose to take the cure
But if you don’t, you’ll end up dyin’
The choice is yours; it’s you who’s got to take it
And you can make it!
Ah, you’ll never shake it!
But you can’t fake it
LEAD
There’s a doctor who can save your life
That’s Dr. Jesus Christ, He’s the only doctor in town
You know He don’t want to see you stuck in the ground
And He’ll ease your pain, ‘cause that’s why He came
You’re never gonna be the same, ‘cause He’ll heal ya
Whoa! Yeah! He’ll heal ya!
Whoa! He’ll heal ya!
Whoa! He’ll heal ya!
Just try Him!
398
Patients (2015)
I shed a tear as I visit you
You seem all right and smile
But there are things about you in decay now
Was a time when I wasn’t sure
What to get for my disease
There was no doctor in my playhouse
Parody of:
“Patience” by Guns N’ Roses
Izzy Stradlin
Bible References:
Jeremiah 17:9; Mark 2:17; Romans 3:10-23,
6:23, 7:9-11; Galatians 6:7-8; 2 Corinthians 4:16;
Proverbs 21:2
J’s Journal:
Sin is a like a disease. For treatment, we can go
to the Great Physician (and get better) or Dr.
Feelgood (and wind up in a coma with a DNR). It’s
so easy to worry what others think about you as
you warn them. If the world says you’re crazy and
beating a dead horse, don’t cry. You ain’t the first,
and even if one in a million gets saved, it’s worth
it. We first performed “Patients” at the Paradise
Club back in 1992 and released a version of it on
Isn’t Wasn’t Ain’t in 1993. However, we’d been
patiently waiting for a time when we could present
it more properly, and that time finally came in
June 2015. The title and topic are still the same,
but I radically revised the lyrics to more closely
parallel the GNR version. Wayne Bartley played
the guitars and makes his vocal debut on this
recording; he’s the guy counting at the beginning.
Jimmy “Vegas” Tanner and I shared whistling
duties. He’s a much better low whistler than I.
Sin’s gonna take its toll
Though at first it felt so fine
All we’ll be is just hospital patients
One doctor saves your soul
If you come to Him in time
All we need is trust in His salvation (Jesus)
It says here, all have sinned
But you’d rather be alone
You’re not too happy right now I came here
I sometimes upset my friends
But I can’t please ‘em all the time
But you know every one of us is the same, dear
Sin’s gonna take its toll
Though you think you’ll be just fine
You and I are two hospital patients
So you shouldn’t waste your time
‘Cause your life is on the line
You and I’ve got one who’ll take our places
Or we won’t make it
Ah, you’d better face it
‘Cause I can’t stay sick
(Hospital patients – mmmm yeaaah – ooh ooh yeaaah)
(We’re hospital patients – yeaahhh – just hospital patients)
(Yeaahhh – someone’s patients)
There’s a doctor named Jesus Christ (Yeaahhh)
Just dyin’ to save your life (We’re hospital patients)
He’s hard to see with your head in the ground (Yeaahhh)
You know I don’t lie – please just trust Him now (Let’s treat some patients)
And He’ll ease your pain – put faith in His name (Yeaahhh)
You ain’t got time for no games (God loves those patients)
‘Cause you need to (Yeaahhh)
Yay-yeah, well, you need to
Oooh you need to (6:8 Galatians)
Whoa, you need to (Trust in His salvation)
Oooooh… it’s time (Is all we need)
399
People
Parody of:
“Pepper” by Buttonhole Surfers
Jeffrey Coffey, Gibby Haynes & Paul Walthall
Bible References:
Revelation 6:9-11; Matthew 5:10, 24:9
J’s Journal:
As famous apologist Josh McDowell says, “Who
would die for a lie?” If Jesus didn’t really rise from
the dead, why would His followers bother to fake
it? What did they stand to gain from that? There
was no prestige, fame, or fortune attached to being
a Christian in the first century. Yet, from what we
understand from church history, aside from Judas
(who hanged himself) and John (who did suffer
imprisonment), all of the other 12 Apostles (and
the later Apostles Matthias, Paul, and Jesus’ half
brother James) died as martyrs. Former ApologetiX
drummer Bob Flaherty resurrected this song. I had
it half done, but the research it was taking (in the
days before Google) was so time-consuming, and
then I had to make it rhyme! Bob said, “Dude, you
have to finish that song!” I also owe a great debt
to a book called The Search for the Twelve Apostles
by William Steuart McBirnie, Ph.D.
James was caught by Herod, Herod captured Peter
They were sharin’ Herod’s outbreak of attacks upon believers
James would have to face the sword and Peter would escape it
They were not afraid of dyin’; they both knew that they could take it
Thomas preached in Babylon and India they claim
Then the local folks impaled him with a lance while he was prayin’
They were all about to die but they weren’t thinking much about it
And their story didn’t have a chance but none of ‘em were doubters
Why oh why would someone die if it was just a hoax?
Why then take the awful risk to tell us Jesus rose?
Simple men from Galilee would not have spoken lies
To get enrolled in history books as martyrs for Jesus Christ
Simon died along with Jude from arrows, spears or crosses
Someone gave Bartholomew a skin-removal process
Some of them were stoned alive like James the son of Alphaeus
And their stories are the evidence that none of them were doubters
Why oh why would someone die if it was just a hoax?
Why then take the awful risk to tell us Jesus rose?
Simple men like you and me would not have spoken lies
To get well known in all the books as martyrs for Jesus Christ
A lot of guys were crucified for calling Him Messiah
Philip was and Andrew was and possibly Matthias
Peter’s was a most unpleasant death for being Christian
They would turn him upside down and then go through with crucifixion
Paul he was beheaded prob’ly Matthew did the same
Well, they threw off of the temple top the other guy named James
They were all about to die but they weren’t thinking much about it
There’s a gory bunch of evidence that none of them were doubters
400
People Are Lazy
Parody of:
“People Are Crazy” by Billy Currington
Bobby Braddock & Troy Jones
Bible References:
John 3:18-21
J’s Journal:
I wrote the first big chunk of this in March 2010, on
a flight to a concert in Salt Lake City. I think “lazy”
is a funny word (we’d already done “Lazy Brain”
back in 2003), so once I had the title, we were
off to the (NASCAR) races. The original song was
about a man having a conversation with a stranger
at a bar and that conversation included God but
also beer and women. I liked the idea of moving it
to a barbershop (reminds me of Mayberry), which
is another good place for conversations. The guys
in the original song hit it off from the start, but the
guys in our song don’t. As a born-again Christian, I
know that some of the first questions that skeptics
ask are “Why is there hell?” and “Why doesn’t God
save everybody?” and they fit right into the song.
This wasn’t a song I was itching to spoof, but it just
started oozing out, and I watched and took notes;
I knew God was giving me something. I remember
working on the second part of the song while taking
one of my many walks around my neighborhood. The
trick was how to tie up the whole story at the end.
And God provided that. Hubie told me that when he
first heard our lyrics, he gasped when the old man
said, “Me, I’m going to hell.” He was relieved and
delighted when the follow-up lines took it in a totally
different direction. Although this conversation never
officially happened, I could easily see myself using
the same language and technique the narrator used.
And some would say I am also “a bit too hairy.”
This old man and me
Were at the barber and we
We had him cut our hairs
And watched some NASCAR there
He talked of politics
With lots of rhetoric
I told him, I’m a Christian – I have a wife and kids
I talked about God’s grace
Then why’s there Hell, he raged
And why on earth aren’t all men saved?
And I said,
God has made it clear in His book, but people are lazy
He said, I’m not too sure
If there is any Lord
What makes you His disciple?
I said I’ve read the Bible
It taught me how the truth
Is never far from you,
What all we shouldn’t do,
And how to be born anew
I squandered life till then
In blissful ignorance
So please don’t think I’m silly, friend
When I say,
God has made it clear in His book, but people are lazy
NASCAR was due to end
I read the Bible with him
And then I stopped at Romans 10
And in God’s funny way
I saw the whole plan change
From being a bit too hairy
I was a missionary
We read Ephesians 2
Saw lines he never knew
Said, Kid, you’ve read it well
But, me, I’m going to hell
But I got wise today
So if you think we can pray
Then I’d like to fix that right here – I need saved
‘Cause I see
God has made it clear in His book but people are lazy
‘Cause God has made it clear in His book that Jesus can save me
God has made it clear in His book but people are lazy
401
Pharaoh-noid
Fiddled with my water ‘cause we wouldn’t help the Israelites
We won’t drink it anyway because I have frogs in all my pipes
I’ll stay strong I’m Egypt’s king – I’ll not concede to gnats and flies
Can’t go lose my mind if I go find some measly cattle died
Can you help me? I’ve got five more plagues
Parody of:
“Paranoid” by Black Sabbath
I’ll be someone who broke free from things in life that plague mankind
I have boils that sting and ache, but after this I’ll just be fine
LEAD
Geezer Butler, Tony Iommi, Ozzy Osbourne & Bill
Ward
Bible References:
Exodus 7:1-12:36
Hail and locusts I’ve survived – this, too, shall pass and I will thrive
That darkness He sent – I feel it but can’t see – it’s so unreal
And so as I fear the worst, well, please get out of my state
I’d trade you my firstborn’s life – I wish I could but I’m too late
J’s Journal:
This song recounts the Ten Plagues in order from
Pharaoh’s perspective, as he shrugs off each
warning God sends his way. Unfortunately, that’s
a universal symptom among mankind – a problem
we’ve yet to iron out in this wicked world. Filled
with megalomania, Pharaoh thought he was the lord
of this world and master of the Israelites, but in
reality, he was a pawn. God said, “But I have raised
you up for this very purpose, that I might show you
my power and that my name might be proclaimed in
all the earth” (Exodus 9:16). Even Pharaoh’s wizards
couldn’t find a way to ward off the plagues, and
eventually the hand of doom had struck down all of
the firstborn of Egypt. Ironically, the day before we
released this song, a horse named American Pharoah
won the Kentucky Derby. We didn’t have any inside
information, so don’t get paranoid. Nevertheless,
American Pharoah went on to win the first Triple
Crown in almost 40 years. Note: The horse’s name
is an accidental misspelling of the word “pharaoh.”
There is a dispute as to whether the owner or The
Jockey Club was responsible for the error.) To
nobody’s surprise, Wayne Bartley did an outstanding
job on the guitars for this song.
402
Play Fair Delilah
Parody of:
“Hey There Delilah” by The Plain White T’s
Tom Higgenson
Bible References:
Judges 16:4-31
J’s Journal:
Poor ol’ Samson. Sure, we all can watch his
relationship with Delilah from the bleachers and pass
judgment, but how many of us have also been in bad
relationships before and couldn’t see the forest for
the trees? Hindsight is 20/20. Unfortunately, by the
time Delilah was done with him, Samson couldn’t
see anything. The Bible doesn’t tell us much about
the early stages of their relationship, so all we can
do is speculate ... so speculate we did. Most bad
relationships have warning signs long before the big
break happens, so I thought we’d have some fun
imagining the things Delilah might have done, with a
few anachonisms thrown in to modernize the story.
We got asked by a lot of people if we were going to
do this song after it came out, since it already had
the word “Delilah” in the title. I resisted it for a long
time because of that very reason, but then I thought
of a humorous angle I liked. I remember working
on the early stages of this parody while trying to
repair my kids’ swingset in the backyard. For some
reason, audiences either laughed like crazy when
we played this song or sat stonefaced. Thankfully,
the night we recorded it live for The Boys Aren’t
Backin’ Down, they got all the jokes and responded
well. In fact, I like the audience’s performance
better than my own on that recording.
Play fair Delilah
Though I like you and you’re pretty
There’s a thousand pounds of weight
I’m lifting right now and you’re sitting on my shoes
Most girls ain’t quite as light as you
But it’s very rude
Play fair Delilah
Though you’re really quite persistent
It’s not fair how you get on me
Cause I’m strong without nutrition or exercise
Didn’t you employ some private eyes
To find out why
Oh, what you do to me – Oh, it’s much too cruel to me
Oh, what you do to me – Oh, it’s worse than UFC, and WWE
Play fair Delilah
I know I’m not sweatin’ hard
But, girl, you really shouldn’t send in guys to do mixed martial arts
When I’m in bed
We’ll have to fight until they’re dead
And my wardrobe’s wrecked
Play fair Delilah
You’ve got steroid allegations
Though I’m simply strong you wrote that I was taking HGH
And I am not – even though I love to read your blog
Girl, that was wrong
CHORUS
A thousand pounds seems pretty hard
But I ain’t got veins that strain my arms
It bothers you that I have some other way
Your friends they always cause a fuss
But I just laugh and whomp their butts
You know that none of them have felt such pain
Delilah, I can promise you
The Bible will reveal the truth
But, girl, you’ll never ever read a page
‘Cause you’re New Age
Play fair Delilah
Just be good and don’t you dis me
No more tears or I’ll be done with you
And I’ll remain a mystery with no clue
You’ll need a dog like Scooby Doo
You can be as clever as you want to
Hey, where did I leave my shampoo
That’s one for you
Oh, what you do to me – Oh, it’s much too cruel to me
Oh, what you do to me – Oh, it’s worse than UFC – it’s like watchin’ Halo 3
403
Play That Funny Music
Parody of:
“Play That Funky Music” by Wild Cherry
Robert Parissi
Bible References:
1 Corinthians 9:22, Romans 12:2, Titus 1:15
J’s Journal:
This song was our opener for much of the Fred
Behanna era of ApologetiX. It was another attempt
to have a theme song that introduced the band.
Some people may dispute me saying “Once I was a
kooky singer” as if I’m no longer a kooky singer, but
the reason that line’s in the past tense is because it
was when I was “playing in a rock and roll band” (i.e.
a secular band). The original song, “Play That Funky
Music,” was written about a singer’s experience at
a club in Pittsburgh, not too far from where I live.
We recorded a funkier, live version at a concert in
South Charleston WV in August 2010, and that’s the
one that appears on our Classics: Party collection.
Now once I was a kooky singer
Playin’ in a rock and roll band
I never had no problems
Singing songs that weren’t nice then
But whenever Jesus found me
God said not to sing them no more
So I decided biblically
To switch them round and check how it’d go
And they were dancin’ and diggin’
The music we was usin’
And just when it hit them
The words were turned around
They shouted
Play that funny music right, boy
Play that funny music right
They got confused
Cause I played them Sunday music in disguise
In disguise? In disguise!
LEAD
Now first it wasn’t easy
Changin’ rock and rollin’ lines
I sing but when He saved me
I thought I’d have to leave it behind
But now it’s so much better
I’m pointing out the heavenly way
I get accused of stealin’
But now I turn to Wesley and say
Man they were dancin’ and diggin’
The music we was usin’
And just when it hit them
The words were turned around
They shouted
Play that funny music right
They’re not amused
And they say that what we’re doin’ isn’t right
But is it right? Is it right?
404
Plump
Parody of:
“Lump” by Presidents of the United States of
America
Chris Ballew & The Presidents of the United States
of America
Bible References:
Judges 3:12-30
Plump man on a throne with a body large
Totally controlling Israel from afar
From Moab he had come upon us
He seldomly refused when he passed a McDonald’s
He’s plump, he’s plump – he’s been widespread
He’s plump, he’s plump, he’s plump – politely said
Plump King Eglon made life a pain
So the Israelites all cried to God to end his reign
God sent Ehud to save the land
In Judges chapter 3 it talks about his secret plan
He’s plump, he’s plump – a king-size bed
He’s plump, he’s plump, he’s plump – he might regret
Eglon was left alone with Ehud because
He said to the king, “I’ve got a word from God”
He pulled a sword out from underneath
Plump got the point; it went very deep
He’s plump, he’s plump – he’s been quiet
He’s plump, he’s plump, he’s plump – he might be dead
Is Eglon out of our hair? I think so
Is Eglon out of his chair? I think so
Was Eglon caught unprepared? I think so
Where’s Eglon? Down over there
J’s Journal:
Although our society today constantly focuses on
obesity, the Bible doesn’t single out very many people
as overweight. Eglon, the king of Moab, is one of
the few. Judges 3:17 says very bluntly that he was
“a very fat man.” He oppressed Israel until a judge
named Ehud assassinated him in a way that actually
used his weight against him. We thought we’d be
polite and just refer to Eglon as “plump.”
405
The Power Above
Parody of:
“The Power of Love” by Huey Lewis & the News
Johnny Colla, Chris Hayes & Huey Lewis
Bible References:
John 14:15-20, 14:25-26, 15:26-27, 16:7-15;
Acts 1:8, 2:1-4, 4:31, 8:14-24, 10:44-48, 19:1-7;
Isaiah 61:11; Galatians 5:16-26
J’s Journal:
In Acts 1:8, Jesus told His disciples they would
receive power when the Holy Spirit came upon
them. In fact, they not only got power, but they
also got gifts (see 1 Corinthians 12-14) and fruit
(Galatians 5). I was always a little envious that so
many people had memorized the fruits of the Spirit
while I hadn’t. Since envy isn’t one of those fruits,
I figured I’d better write a parody to teach them to
myself. After I got the title, “The Power Above,”
(possibly at a gas station in Zelienople, PA) I realized
I might have finally found the song for that. The
second verse turned out to be the perfect bowl for
the fruit. Different Bible translations use differentbut-similar words for certain fruit on the list (like
“patience,” “forbearance,” “longsuffering’), but I
think we have a good consensus. The fact that I had
to transpose the order of two fruits (“gentleness”
and “goodness”) drives my oldest daughter, Janna,
crazy. I also associate this song with my son, T.J.,
who was in the hospital with respiratory problems
as an infant in early March 2011. I wrote some of
the lyrics while driving to see him. When discussing
the Holy Spirit in a song, it was important to me that
we show that the Holy Spirit is a person, as the Bible
and Christianity teaches, and not an impersonal force
as some cults teach. That’s one of the reasons the
lyrics say, “The Holy Spirit has the power above” –
not just “The Holy Spirit – that’s the power above”
– and “if you have him, good.” Subtle but important.
The power above is a glorious thing
Baby, one man’s weakness is another man’s strength
Change your heart through a little white dove
The Holy Spirit – has the power above
Thumb through the Bible, and it’s quite clear
You’re stronger and smarter when you have God’s Spirit
If you have Him, good – if you don’t, then why?
The power above can give you a whole new life
And you don’t need money, only faith
Don’t need to sweat it ‘cause the price is paid
Yes, all of a sudden in a room sometimes
Then a mighty wind blows by
That’s the power above, that’s the power above
The fruit of the Spirit it’s not grapes of wrath
It’s love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, faithfulness
And goodness, gentleness, self-control
That’s the power above in the world below
And it don’t take money, only faith
Don’t need to study hard to find these traits
Your soul is a garden – it can bear fruit sometimes
That you’ll find in Galatians 5
The spiritual gifts God prepared
Yeah, for you to share
In First Corinthians (Chapter 12)
You’ll find a list of them
And with a little faith, hope, and love
You’ll feel the power above
Feel the power of above
Can you feel it?
And you don’t need money, only faith
Old Peter said it back in Acts chapter 8
He’s talking to Simon, he talks to us still
You don’t need nothin’ to be filled
Be filled with power, be filled with power above
Got the power? Get the power above
Be filled with power above
406
Pray Now (Lost Art)
Parody of:
“All Star” by Smash Mouth
Greg Camp
Bible References:
Luke 11:9, 17:5, 18:1-8; Matthew 6:33, 7:7,
17:20; James 4:1-3
J’s Journal:
This is a song about being persistent in prayer.
Jim Morrison of the Doors once said (or, rather,
shouted), “You cannot petition the Lord with
prayer!” Nonsense. Luke 18:1 says, “Then Jesus
told his disciples a parable to show them that they
should always pray and not give up.” The Apostle
John also says, “And if we know that he hear us,
whatsoever we ask, we know that we have the
petitions that we desired of him” (1 John 5:15). I
got the idea for this song in the summer of 1999,
during one of the most difficult times in my life.
Prayer was very hard at the time, but it proved very
productive. We had just spoofed Smash Mouth on
our previous CD, so I wasn’t keen to tackle them
again so soon after. But I sang the other band
members some of the first verse and the chorus that
I had, and they insisted that I finish it.
Somebody once told me “The Lord is not your roadie
“You ain’t the star so do it yourself.”
I said, “Look, it’s kind of dumb
If if there’s things that I need done
It’s a shame not to call on the Lord’s help.”
Well, my prayers start comin’ and they don’t stop comin’
I read through the rules and I think I found somethin’
Didn’t make sense not to get more done
I pray real hard cause the Heavenly Son
Showed what to do, said knock and seek
So what’s wrong with praying and asking
You better go look in Luke, bro
11:9 if you don’t know
Pray now – it’s a lost art – get your day underway
Pray now – get a jump start – get a move on – get faith
God is listenin’ you know – only you can start prayin’ though
There’s a cool case so you’re prayin’ gets bolder
You look it up Luke 18 yeah, let’s go there
When the meanest of men met the widow
Judge he was, you know if you have the right scripture
But I see his patience is gettin’ pretty thin
The woman gets annoyin’ so he might as well give in
The world’s like that – how about the Lord
God already likes ya – and you’ll never get ignored
Pray now – fourth chapter – let me show ya – in James
Somebody once asked Jesus give us the capacity
To get ourselves a faith that is great
He said, “Well, why ya want help?
“You could move a little hill yourself
“If you would all use a little faith.”
Well, my prayers start comin’ and they don’t stop comin’
I read through the rules and I think I found somethin’
Didn’t make sense not to get more done
Pray it smart cause the Heavenly Son
Showed what to do, said knock and seek
So what’s wrong with praying and asking
You’ll never know if you don’t go
You better try if you don’t know
Pray now – get a jump start – get a move on – get faith
407
Preachers
Parody of:
“Peaches” by Presidents of the United States of
America
Chris Ballew & The Presidents of the United States
of America
Bible References:
Philippians 1:15-18, 2 Corinthians 2:17
J’s Journal:
We’re all familiar with the stereotype of the preacher
who’s just in it for the money. That’s nothing new.
In fact, way back in 2 Corinthians 2:17, the Apostle
Paul was already saying, “Unlike so many, we do not
peddle the word of God for profit. On the contrary, in
Christ we speak before God with sincerity, like men
sent from God.” Even more surprising is a passage
Paul wrote to the Philippians about this topic. He
pointed out that although some people preached
Christ sincerely and others insincerely, as long as
they taught the correct doctrine about Christ, it
was still a life-changing message: “But what does
it matter? The important thing is that in every
way, whether from false motives or true, Christ is
preached. And because of this I rejoice” (Philippians
1:18). Of course, that doesn’t mean that insincere
preachers won’t have to answer to God. But their
insincerity doesn’t negate the truth of the Gospel.
Movin’ through the country
Gonna see a lot of preachers
Gonna meet me a lot of preachers
Gonna hear a lot of preachers
Gonna meet a lot of preachers
Preachers come good and bad
They are ordinary men
It’s a factor we must count
And if some have been led astray
That don’t mean that they’re all fakes
Some still can point you to the Way
CHORUS
A couple scandals happened – a real short list
Yes they caught some evangelists
Wth greed and fraud and women
Point my finger back to Christ
Take a little look at a sinless life
Base your stand on Christianity on His – not mine
LEAD
Millions of preachers – peachin’ to me
Which ones believe it? Which preach for greed?
Philippians teaches – verse 1:18
If they really preach Jesus, they’re preachy keen
408
Parody of:
“Losing My Religion” by REM
Bill Berry, Peter Buck, Mike Mills & Michael Stipe
Bible References:
1 Peter 3:15; Jude 1:3
J’s Journal:
I remember going to see Bob Dylan live in 1991 and
hearing him say something like (he mumbles a bit,
you know), “Has anybody heard a song called ‘Losing
My Religion’? Well, you can’t lose it if you never had
it.” And then he launched into a song from Slow Train
Coming, the first album he recorded after declaring
himself a born-again Christian in 1979. Your guess
is as good as mine as to where Bob Dylan is coming
from (spiritually) these days, but once I became a
born-again Christian, I knew I wasn’t going to lose
my religion. Well, I guess, in a sense I did lose my
religion (as far as trying to follow a set of rituals
to make myself good enough for God), but I gained
a relationship with Jesus Christ (realizing that
only He could make me righteous in God’s sight).
Apologetics is about defending the faith, or proving
why you believe what you believe, and that’s why
this song is called “proving my religion.” This song
was recorded live in Wall, PA on April 18, 1995,
on Cornerstone Television’s nationally syndicated
show Getting Together. It was originally released on
a homemade cassette called Live ‘95. It badly needs
to be redone. Or let me put it a better way. It’s
already been done badly. It needs to be redone well.
Christ is bigger, bigger than you and you can mock me
For things that I will go through but Christians never die
Although we sinned so much He saved us all
You back me in a corner
You pack me in a box ‘cause you think I’m religious
I’m trying to speak the truth
And I don’t wanna complicate it
God loved this world so much He sent His only son
Although we deserved the lashes
Although we deserved the pain
We sin so bad we should have died
If you would listen give me just an hour
I’d prove what I’m professin’
Why I believe that Christ is true
But you don’t want to find the truth, do you?
You love your sin too much to give it up
Consider this, you humanists listen a bit to me
Consider this well what do you believe?
Well, God is not some fantasy that we
Made up for fun
He really sent His Son
Although I deserved the lashes
Although I deserved the pain
I sin so bad I should have died
But that was just the thing
That was just the thing
So mock me if you wanna
Attack me if you want I’m proving my religion
By everything I do
And I don’t think that I can lose it
Oh, no, I’ve seen too much to ever give it up
Although I deserved the pain
I sinned so bad I should have died
Christ died, so I could rise
That was just the thing, just the thing
Just the thing ... for me
409
Christ is bigger, bigger than you – and you might mock me
For things that I will go through – but Christians never die
Although we sinned too much – He saved us all
Parody of:
“Losing My Religion” by REM
Bill Berry, Peter Buck, Mike Mills & Michael Stipe
Bible References:
1 Peter 3:15, Jude 1:3, James 2:18-19
J’s Journal:
This one goes out to the ones God loves. Always
REMember as you stand in the place where you live:
“But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be
prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you
to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do
this with gentleness and respect ...” (1 Peter 3:15).
This song was very popular on our Rare Not Well
Done downloads, and we finally took the time to do
it right in 2014. That’s Luke Hoey from my church’s
worship team on mandolin. He also played banjo on
“Let’s Redo the Music” and acoustic guitar on “Offer
Your Prayer,” but you already know that if you’re
reading this book in alphabetical order.
You back me in a corner
You pack me in a box – like – you think I’m religious
I’m trying to speak – the truth
And I don’t want to convolute it
God loved this world so much – He sent His only Son
Although I deserved the sting
I sin so bad we should have died
If you would listen – give me just an hour
I’d prove what I’m professin’
Why I believe that Christ is true
But you don’t want to find the truth – no
You love your sin too much – to give it up
He did exist
The kicker is: He doesn’t cease to be
Legitmate when agnostics do not see
Well, God is not some fantasy we just
Made up for fun
He really sent – His Son
I sin so bad I should have died
But that was just the thing
So bash me if you’re gonna
Trash me if you want – I’m – proving my religion
By everything I do
And I don’t think that I can lose it
Oh, no, I’ve seen too much – to ever give it up
I sinned so bad I should have died
Christ died, so I could rise
That was just the thing, just the thing
Just the thing ... for me
410
medley
Parody of:
“Sunglasses at Night” by Corey Hart
I read a Psalm passage at night
So I can, so I can
Watch the way they prayed in olden times
And I read my Psalm passage at night
So I can, so I can
Keep scraps of Scripture in my mind
I sleep peacefully
‘Cause God’s my security
And He’s got a hold of me
I turn to Him in faith
Corey Hart
Bible References:
The Book of Psalms
J’s Journal:
This is the fourth of 10 songs in the “80’s Medley
(Octagon but Not Forgotten)” and was written with
the medley in mind, sometime in the year leading up
to its recording. The idea was a gift from God – one of
those where you’re minding your own business, and
God gives you the idea with zero effort. I was talking
to somebody about how my wife and I read a Psalm
passage at night before bed, and as the words came
out of my mouth, I instantly thought of how well “I
read a Psalm passage at night” lined up with “I wear
my sunglasses at night.” In fact, I think I sang those
words to the melody a split second later. For people
who don’t know how or what they should pray, the
Psalms are an excellent guide. That’s why they’re
such a great thing to read at night before bedtime
prayer. David and the other Psalm writers talked to
God about everything – their joys, sorrows, praises,
complaints, requests, repentance, and more. As far
as Corey Hart songs go, I was more of a “Never
Surrender” guy, but this was a fun song to sing, and
it sticks in your head, just like “Sunglasses at Night”
did. The music dictated that it would be the fourth
song in the medley, because we already had the
parody of “Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)” third,
and the keyboard patterns are so similar that it
made for a natural segue – something I didn’t notice
until after I wrote the spoof. That, in turn, made it
natural that the next song be “Hundred Nineteenth
Psalm,” since it was about a Psalm. 411
Parody of:
“Song Sung Blue” by Neil Diamond
Neil Diamond
Bible References:
Psalm 37
J’s Journal:
I love Psalm 37. It’s one of my favorite passages of
scripture, and God has used many of its verses to
comfort and encourage me at various times through
the years. Unlike other famous poems, the Psalms
aren’t just pretty words. They do come true. Psalm
37 instructs us not to fret when evildoers seem to
prosper while we’re having problems. It also tells
us that if we delight ourselves in the Lord, He will
give us the desires of our heart. It says if we trust
in Him and keep His way, He will exalt us to inherit
the land. And it promises that the righteous will
never be forsaken nor will their children ever have
to beg for food. This song is a real diamond in the
rough – a Neil Diamond parody that’s as rough as
can be. “Psalms Come True” originally appeared
on our second studio cassette, Want It Dead or
Alive?, released in December 1992. Psalms come true ... number 37
Psalms come true ... God will make it happen
Do not fret; He’s not done yet – wait on Him
Keep His way and He will lift you up
To your inheritance to your inheritance
Psalms come true ... all your steps are chosen
Psalms come true ... God already knows them
When you’re down, He’s still around, He holds your hand
And even if you fall into a pit
He’ll pull you out again, He’ll pull you out again
LEAD
Do not fret; He’s not done yet, wait on Him
Keep His way and He will lift you up
To your inheritance, to your inheritance
Psalms come true ... God is the supplier
Psalms come true ... of your heart’s desires
Just commit ... your way to Him ... He’ll bring it to pass
And He will give you all your heart desires
And you can count on that
Psalms come true ...
Psalms come true ...
When you’re down, He’s still around, He holds your hand
And even if you fall into a pit
He’ll pull you out again, He’ll pull you out again
412
Psalms come true – in the Bible, those ones
Psalms come true – they’re from God to grow from
Read ‘em through – their subjects include
The blues now and then
But when you take your blues and praise your God
He’ll bring you out of them
You’ll sing and shout again
Parody of:
“Song Sung Blue” by Neil Diamond
Neil Diamond
Bible References:
Psalms 30:5, 37:4
J’s Journal:
It’s easy to thank the Lord for the nice times, but
life isn’t just a bowl of cherries, even if you’re a
believer. The Psalms teach us that – and this:
when things don’t look rosy and your life’s on the
rocks, the good Lord loves you and things can turn
around quickly. So keep praying and turn on the
lamp of God’s Word and let it light up your heart.
An earlier version of this track appeared on our
Rare Not Well Done downloads, but in 2015 we
decided it was time to recut this Diamond and put it
in its proper setting. That included new lyrics. Our
hard-rockin’ lead guitarist, Tom Tincha, surprised
me by saying he’d played this song previously (for
groups of senior citizens, no less), so he was ready
to go. I debuted the new version with the worship
team at my church in February, and ApologetiX
released a studio recording in early June. Janna
and Keely shared backing vocals, as they’d done
once before on “Must Seem Silly.” Psalms come true – weepin’ lasts a little
Psalms come true – sleep it off now, kiddo
Funny thing – a shepherd king who killed a giant as a boy
Ain’t the sort of poet that you’d feel was good
Except when God’s the source
LEAD
Read ‘em through – it’s not just you
With blues now and then
But when you take your blues and praise your God
Then things work out again
You’ll sing and shout again
Psalms (psalms) come (come) true (true)
Weepin’ lasts a little
Sleep it off now, kiddo
Funny thing – a shepherd king who killed a giant as a boy
Ain’t the sort of poet that you’d feel was good
Except when God’s the source
413
Psum 14
Parody of:
“Fat Lip” by Sum 41
Sum 41
Bible References:
Psalms 14:3, 53:3; Romans 3:10, 3:23, 7:7-25;
1 Kings 8:46; 2 Chronicles 6:3; James 3:2;
1 Timothy 1:15-16; 1 John 1:8-10
J’s Journal:
A humorous reminder that all have sinned and fall
short of the glory of God, including King David, the
Apostle Paul, and the singer himself. One of our
fans told me he thought we should do “Fat Lip” by
Sum 41 and “Chop Suey” by System of a Down,
which were the breakthrough hits for each of those
groups. I bought both of the CDs that had the songs
on them, and I didn’t like either song! I actually liked
some of the later hits by each group better than their
breakthrough hits. But the band guys liked “Fat Lip”
and “Chop Suey” best, and once I got the line “Sure
my movie part it won’t be played by Al Pacino,”
I couldn’t resist the urge to finish it. The title, of
course, is a play on Sum 14 and Psalm 41. I thought
it was funny how that Psalm worked into the song
and yet the number was 14 in reverse and how
“Sum” and “Psalm” sound so much like each other.
Sure my movie part it won’t be played by Al Pacino
But I hope you’re not thinking I’m exactly Mr. Clean, though
As a kid, was in sin, and no one knew it but me
And my Olan Mills portrait was Dorian Gray
Well, I know I’m not the one you thought you knew back in high school
You’d never know, I’d never show, I just was a shy dude
But let me set you straight, ‘cause all of us need saved
My sin was always here but that’s erased
I don’t want to praise my crimes
Because I know that that would be impropriety
I’m just a ball of slime
So come and get forgiven just like He forgave me – act now
Read God’s truth in
Romans and Psalms we learn that all people fall
But what would you expect knowing David and Paul
Have you met ‘em? Them fellas knew how we need grace
They did bad deeds only God could erase
Cause David had an affair and murdered, he still repented
Turning Paul around it took divine intervention
Acts 9 it will confirm he messed up every church
He sinned till Jesus told him, “Hey, that hurts!”
I don’t want to list my crimes
Because I know the fragility of my piety
And I recall this line
In chapter 1 verse 15 of old First Timothy – that’s how
Don’t count on me to live with no sin
Don’t count on me – I’ll do it again
Don’t count on me – but the point you’re missin’
Don’t count on me – is I’m forgiven
We’re all just no good and we’re nailed without Christ
Act fast and He won’t get upset about nothin’
You can stand around and scorn and scoff like Waldorf the Muppet
But you can’t blame anybody; ask Jimmy Buffett
‘Cause if you take no blame you’ll be really on the hook
You’re on the Ten Most Wanted in the devil’s own book
That’s why Psalm number 14:3 is important
Because it says we’re all sinners addin’ up more sins
CHORUS
414
Puffed-Up Cliques
Parody of:
“Pumped Up Kicks” by Foster the People
Mark Foster
Bible References:
Hebrews 4:12, 13:12-14; Matthew 13:45-46;
John 15:18-25
J’s Journal:
The Christian life was never about “being a part of
the ‘in’ crowd.” As Jesus said in John 15:18, “If
the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated
me first.” Therefore Hebrews 13:13 says, “Let
us, then, go to him outside the camp, bearing the
disgrace he bore.” That’s a tough choice to make
if you’re already in a clique, but the main character
in this song is willing to make it. He won’t be
disappointed. I got the line about “pearls of value”
while driving one day, and a moment later I passed
a billboard advertising a special pearl. I couldn’t
believe it. I’d never seen that billboard before, so I
figured I’d better keep that line in.
Robert’s caught in quicksand
He’s lookin’ ‘round the room for help but he’s stranded
Got untold secrets
Ain’t comin’ out of his mouth, he’s a careful kid
Or from the clique he’ll be shunned
And he’s gettin’ blasé – he reads the Book for somethin’
I don’t think he knows what
But he’s huntin’ for truth, yeah, he’s hungry for truth
All the other kids with their puffed-up cliques
They’re better than everyone, how come, how come?
I’d rather run with the Son back where there’s no bullies
They get to shun everyone outside their fun
I’d rather run with the Son that’s where it’s the coolest
Said His word’s a long blade
It can cuts ya both ways, and if Robert obeys it
He thinks he’ll be ostracized
But didn’t Jesus mention it’s a sacrifice?
He weighs it for a long time
Then in spite of the danger, leaves the clique forever
He’s no longer secret
Sayin’ pearls of value also cost you a bit
415
Put You Down in My Will
Parody of:
“Push” by Matchbox 20
Rob Thomas & Matt Serletic
Bible References:
Isaiah 59:15-17, 1 John 4:10, Romans 5:8,
Hebrews 13:8
J’s Journal:
One of my favorite parts of the Bible is a messianic
passage in Isaiah 59:15b-16, written over 700
years before Christ, which says: “The LORD looked
and was displeased that there was no justice. He
saw that there was no one, he was appalled that
there was no one to intervene; so his own arm
worked salvation for him, and his own righteousness
sustained him.” I love the fact that God didn’t just
send some angel or some perfect human or anybody
else to save the world. He came and took care of
things Himself. How many times have we heard
parents utter this threat to their kids: “Don’t make
me come down there!” God knew He had to come
down here, and He loved us so much that He was
willing to do so. This was the last parody written
for Biblical Graffiti. It was added to the song list
at the very last minute. I wasn’t a huge fan of the
lyrics to the original Matchbox 20 song, but these
new lyrics were a gift from God. It was as if the
song was writing itself in spite of me. Lyrically, this
is one of the band’s favorite songs.
He said, “I know no-one has ever been good enough
I’m a little disgusted, yet I’ll think up a plan for saving them
And they don’t know that the devil plays really rough
But if Man would trust me, I’ve still got somethin’ left to give
And it’s a little bitty baby
Well, this ain’t over – no, not yet – Not while I still need to go down
You don’t know Me – but I’ll save you – Yeah, I’ll bless you real good
I wanna put your name down in my will, in my will
I wanna give you a crown, and I will, and I will
I wanna save your poor planet
I wanna save you, poor planet. Yeah, yeah, and I will.”
I said, “I don’t know why You ever would die for me
When I’m a criminal suspect, and the things I do are gonna hurt Ya
And I don’t know why You didn’t just stay up there
You made a plan to redeem me when my faith wasn’t even worth a dime
‘cause I’m a little unworthy”
“Well, don’t ya understand it?” Said my King to me
“’cause I’ve been waitin’ all along for you
It’s in Romans 5 verse 8. First John 4:10 explains it all”
CHORUS
“Although you don’t know Jehovah
Just pray to Me and I’ll come in your heart, it may sound crazy, maybe
Just trust Me baby – I’ll rush to save ya, save ya”
CHORUS
416
Read Acts
medley
Parody of:
“Relax” by Frankie Goes to Hollywood
Read Acts, go through it
When you’re done, you go do it
Anyone can come
Tell you what – there’s somethin’ to it
Anyone can come
Peter Gill, Holly Johnson, Brian Nash & Mark
O’Toole
Bible References:
The Book of Acts
J’s Journal:
This is the first of the 10 songs in the “80’s Medley
(Octagon but Not Forgotten).” The initial three songs
in the medley were the ones that inspired us to do a
medley in the first place, because I had snippets of
each written, but I really didn’t want to do the entire
songs. Since the 80’s was a big decade for medleys
hitting on the pop charts (“Stars on 45,” “Hooked
on Classics,” “The Beach Boys Medley,” “The
Beatles Movie Medley”), it seemed like a natural
for our 80’s project, Wise Up and Rock. Hubie and
I had been talking about doing a medley for years,
and we finally buckled down and did it. We mapped
out the final running order on August 13, 2011. I
must have written at least three times as many
spoofs as we finally used, so there are plenty of
candidates for the next 80’s medley, whenever that
may happen. This opening portion of the medley has
a simple message – read the whole book of the Acts
of the Apostles to see what those early Christians
did … and then go do it yourself (with much
help from the Holy Spirit, of course!)
417
Parody of:
“Sweet Emotion” by Aerosmith
Bible References:
Ephesians 6:10-18
Read Ephesians, Read Ephesians
Talk about Paul, apostle of Christ
This is the fifth epistle he writes
Says that our struggle ain’t against flesh and blood
Says that we need the armor of God
One piece of the armor is a plate for your breast
Says to put on the breastplate of righteousness
Truth for a belt and shoes for your feet
The preparation of the gospel of peace
Put on the salvation helmet, then
The shield of faith, you can use it when
The devil starts shootin’ his fiery darts
And the sword of the Spirit – that’s the Word of God
Standing firm, ‘cause our struggle is against
The forces of darkness and wickedness
Talkin’ ‘bout somethin’ that’s gonna help you stand
With prayer and petition every time that you can
J’s Journal:
This is a song about the full armor of God as
described in Ephesians 6:10-18. Why do we need
the full armor of God? As it says in Ephesians 6:12,
“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but
against the rulers, against the authorities, against the
powers of this dark world and against the spiritual
forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” We started
performing this parody live in the late spring of 1992,
I believe. I think it was on our first live cassette, Get
Your Wigs, and I know we played it at the concert
where that was recorded. We thought the weird
sound effects at the beginning of the song were
cool at the time. (Maybe not so much, in retrospect.)
418
Parody of:
“Sweet Emotion” by Aerosmith
Bible References:
Ephesians 6:10-18
Talk about things I know God prepares
Spiritual things that your body wears
Call ‘em by name, but I gotta make clear
You can’t stand baby if you leave ‘em in here
One piece of the armor is a plate of righteousness
It’s a get-up that goes up on top of your chest
And your Gospel shoes, these are real good tires
And the belt of truth to get your pants up higher
You put on the salvation helmet to start
But the devil overtook you with his little cruel darts
Your shield of faith keeps them from goin’ inside
They can’t touch you if you have it on tight
Stand then firm ‘cause when Satan attacks
I think you better pray, did ya think about that
The Word of God’s somethin’ that’s a sword on your hand
And He wants you to know it and to read and understand
J’s Journal:
“Read Ephesians” made its debut on our first live
cassette, Get Your Wigs, in 1992, and we recorded
a studio version on Radical History Tour in 1994;
but as the years went by I felt the band could do
a better job musically and I could do a better job
lyrically. With Aerosmith afficianado Tom Milnes
leading TNT’s twin-guitar attack, it was an easy
choice for The Boys Aren’t Backin’ Down in 2009.
This version is still about the same topic as the
original – the full armor of God as described by
the Apostle Paul in Ephesians 6.
419
The Real Sin Savior
Parody of:
“The Real Slim Shady” by Eminem
Marshall Mathers, Andre Young & M. Bradford
Bible References:
1 Timothy 1:15; Romans 3:10, 3:23, 5:8, 6:20,
6:23, 8:1, 10:9, 10:13; Psalms 51:5, 51:17;
John 8:36
J’s Journal:
This song is actually an altar call, although Eminem
is one of the last people you’d expect to see at an
altar call. Of course, Christ calls a lot of people
you wouldn’t expect. And that’s one of the points
to this song. The Bible verse that probably best
sums up this song is 1 Timothy 1:15: “Here is a
trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance:
Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners
– of whom I am the worst.” I wrote this song in
many different places over a long period of time in
the first half of 2001. I remember getting some of
the words while driving past Westmoreland Mall in
Greensburg, PA; in a McDonald’s parking lot in New
Stanton, PA; and on the road on way home from
South Carolina, among other places. The lyrics are
filled with lots of things that were on my mind at the
time. I wasn’t sure that people would get everything
that I was talking about, but they apparently did.
It’s easily one of our most popular parodies ever,
and it won the 2002 American Christian Music
Award for “Fringe Song of the Year.”
May I have your repentance please?
May I have your repentance please?
Will you tell Him “Save me” and please stand up?
I repeat: will you tell Him “Save me” and please stand up?
We’re gonna have to prod them here
Y’all act like you never seen a nice person before
You oughta hope in the Lord
Your panting tongue is just thirstin’ for more
You started lookin’ around searchin’ cause you’re
Uncertain you’re sure you know where you’re goin’ eternally
If you return to God ... ah, wait, no, wait, we’re sinning
We couldn’t get saved with the things we did, can we?
And Dr. J. says – nothing you did is such a grave sin it costs you salvation
Ha Ha – Heavenly livin’s above every man
“Chick-a-chick-a-chick-a he’s crazy! I’m sick of them ‘born agains’
Walkin’ around askin’ if you know God – speakin’ of You Know Who
Yeah, but there’s no proof though”
Yeah, probably got a couple of you who think I lack proof
But no worse than what’s goin’ on in America’s classrooms
Sometimes I wanna get on TV and just spread the truth
But can’t – but the school can tell me we come from evolution
“My mama was a fish – my mama was a fish
“And if we’re monkeys you might as well forget original sin!”
And that’s the message that we deliver to little kids
And expect them not to question on their own if God exists
Of course they’re gonna wonder if the Lord’s fake
By the time they hit fourth grade
They got the Easter Bunny and Santa don’t they?
We ain’t shinin’ examples
Well some of the scandals are caused by people posin’ as evangelists
But if Jesus loved His enemies and Pharisees
Then there’s no reason that you can’t get another chance and believe
But if you feel a slight chill, I got the anti-freeze
This is not a fantasy, it’s important and it’s free
I’ve sinned greatly, but Christ’s for real, baby
It’s a wonder He saved me and just didn’t hate me
So won’t you tell Him “Save me,” please stand up
Please stand up, please stand up
Yes, I’ve been crazy, yes, I’ve been real shady
Always wanted Him to save me, but just didn’t say it
Will Smith don’t gotta discuss the Christian path to salvation
Well, I do – it affects him and affects you too
You think I give a care of he likes my parodies
Half of you kiddies won’t even look at me, let alone stare at me
But J., what if we pray? Wouldn’t we be weird?
420
The Real Sin Savior (cont.)
Parody of:
“The Real Slim Shady” by Eminem
Marshall Mathers, Andre Young & M. Bradford
Bible References:
1 Timothy 1:15; Romans 3:10, 3:23, 5:8, 6:20,
6:23, 8:1, 10:9, 10:13; Psalms 51:5, 51:17;
John 8:36
J’s Journal:
(see previous page)
Why? Would you guys reject Christ just to fit with your peers
So you can live in fear for the next 60 years?
This ain’t imaginary, better get prepared
The price of sin yes it costs us dearly with death first
And when that part is over if you ain’t saved it gets much worse
Little chance they’ll put me now on MTV
Yeah, it’s true, but I think he’d scare all the kids – ree ree!
I said now’s when they oughta know and John 3:3
It shows the whole world how they need born again to be free
I’m singin’ you little girls and boys spoofs – all you do is ignore me
Though I have been sent here to inform you
And there’s a million of us just like me you judge like me
Were just like triple fudge ice cream; we’re just quite sweet
You watch Saul in Acts 9:3, you just might see
You’re just like him, you’re not fightin’ me
I’ve sinned greatly, but Christ He still saved me
From a hundred temptations and death, sin and Hades
Yes, my sinned shamed me, yet I’ve been healed lately
God the Father forgave me from messin’ with Satan
I’m like a breath mint you listen to but I’m only givin’ you
Things you thought about in your head with my religious group
The only difference is I got the call to say it in front of y’all
And I don’t gotta be Paul – the Book I quote has it all
I just get out a Bible and read it and whether you like it you need it
As sure as I can see that better than 90 percent of you happen to doubt me
Then you wonder how can kids give up their values I tell you it’s funny
Cause at the place I’m goin’ when I’m buried
I’ll see the only person in the world I know who’s worthy
He’s the first and last and I’m J. Jackson I’m the worst
And I’m a jerk and Jesus knows that but my braggin’ wasn’t workin’
And every single person needs a sin savior urgently
You could be working on a burglary or sittin’ in a nunnery
Or keepin’ part of the law perfectly screamin’ “I don’t sin that much”
Puttin’ Christians down sayin’ “It’s just a crutch”
So if you’re still waiting please stand up ‘
Cause this wonderful singer’s time is eaten up
And it’s time to get off your behind and out of the row
Come on down – now is your chance – how do I know?
CHORUS
I guess there’s a sin Savior for all of us – Let’s all stand up
421
Regeneration
Parody of:
“My Generation” by The Who
Pete Townshend
Bible References:
Titus 3:5, John 3:3, 1 Peter 1:23
J’s Journal:
From fifth grade through high school, I was a very
avid collector of comic books. In fact, I traded
some of them to get the money for my first electric
guitar. I loved reading about the origins of famous
superheroes and supervillains. One of my favorites
was the origin of one of Spiderman’s oldest foes,
the Lizard. He was a “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” sort
of guy. In this case, Dr. Jekyll was Dr. Curt Connors,
a one-armed scientist who experimented with
lizards in hopes of replicating their amazing powers
of regeneration (the ability to grow new limbs). His
experiments ultimately did grow him a new arm, but
at the cost of turning him into a malicious Mr.-Hydetype reptilian humanoid known as the Lizard. In this
song, we are indeed talking about regeneration,
but not that type, although the regeneration the
Bible speaks of in Titus 3:5 does indeed turn us
into new creatures/creations (2 Corinthians 5:17).
We’re talking about the regeneration of hearts
(Ezekiel 11:19, 18:31, 36:26). “My Generation”
was the song that turned me on to the Who, who
would go on to be one of my favorite bands. I first
heard it on a classic rock station my sophomore
or junior year in high school, and I thought it
was just about the coolest thing I’d ever heard.
I used to have an inflatable guitar I would smash
against the floor when ApologetiX played this live.
People try to put us down (Talkin’ ‘bout regeneration)
Just because we’re heaven-bound (Talkin’ ‘bout ...)
They may stew and scoff and scold (Talkin’ ‘bout ...)
I know I’ll die with a born-again soul (Talkin’ ‘bout ...)
This is regeneration – this is regeneration, baby
Who don’t you all find the Way (Talkin’ ‘bout regeneration)
And go to Titus 3:5 and see what it says (Talkin’ ‘bout ...)
I’m not talkin’ ‘bout artificial resuscitation (Talkin’ ‘bout ...)
Just talkin’ ‘bout re-generation
This is regeneration – this regeneration, baby
Who don’t you all find the Way (Talkin’ ‘bout regeneration)
What John chapter 3 verse 3 does say (Talkin’ ‘bout ...)
And First Peter 1:23 says the same thing (Talkin’ ‘bout ...)
It’s just talkin’ ‘bout regeneration (Talkin’ ‘bout ...)
Re-re-re-re-re-generation
If you’re tired of puttin’ us down (Talkin’ ‘bout regeneration)
And you wanna be heaven-bound (Talkin’ ‘bout ...)
Here’s what to do to save your soul (Talkin’ ‘bout ...)
Put hope in Christ before you get old (Talkin’ ‘bout ...)
Re-re-re-re-re-generation
This is not imagination – this is not exaggeration
This is not meditation – this is not vegetation
Hope you got reservations – please do not change the station
422
Resist Him
The enemy likes to dwell in the night
And work on you undercover
Takes a disguise but his words are lies and
Through them evil hovers
Parody of:
“Rhiannon” by Fleetwood Mac
All your life you’ve never seen
Someone waitin’ in the wings
But when Satan comes he’s too clever
So you never will
Stevie Nicks
Resist while you can with your heart
Against the prince of darkness
He rules the sky but the Lord’s our light and
Wins the fight regardless
Bible References:
James 4:7; 1 Peter 5:8-9; Ephesians 2:2, 6:11-12
All your life you’ve fled the scene
C’mon, take it like a man
What did James preach on in 4:7?
When the devil grins
Will you let him win?
Resist him – resist him – resist him – resist him
J’s Journal:
Rumors of the devil’s demise are greatly exaggerated.
You can still see evidence of his activity everywhere.
But as long as you follow the Bible and don’t go your
own way, you can break the chains he’s used to hold
you and hypnotize you. Don’t believe his little lies;
the dreams he promises are just a mirage. Look over
your head to the Lord above for help. As James 4:7
says, if you resist the devil, he will flee from you.
Don’t stop! When I originally started working on this
spoof in 2014, I thought it was going to be about
the prophet Samuel’s mother, Hannah, but then
I got the opening line “the enemy likes to dwell in
the night,” and realized we’d have to use a different
song to tell Hannah’s story, because this song
was going in a totally new direction. My daughter
Janna sang lead vocals, and it’s the first song
she ever did where the male vocals weren’t done
by me. Tom Milnes did such a great job on them,
there was nothing I needed to add. He also played
guitar and bass. We released it in late-January 2015
along with the song “Sa-Maria.”
He brings lives to hell with delight
And he’s settin’ you up to suffer
He was alive when the earth arrived and
Fooled old Eve, your mother
All your life you’ve never seen
The One takin’ on your sins
God the Savior promised you Heaven
Will you let Him in?
Kill the devil’s sin
Resist him – resist him – resist him
Satan’s lies
Take you by surprise
Satan’s lies
Satan’s lies
Jesus Christ
Crushes Satan’s lies
Jesus Christ
Crushes Satan’s lies
423
Revelation
Parody of:
“Revolution” by The Beatles
Bible References:
Deuteronomy 18:20-22, Leviticus 19:26
J’s Journal:
This one is not about the book of Revelation (we
have plenty of other parodies about that) but about
people who say they’ve gotten revelations through
New Age methods like Transcendental Meditation,
spirit guides, and astrology. I was tempted to write
the song about the book of Revelation, because the
original Beatles single was Hey Jude/Revolution,
and the last two books of the Bible are Jude and
Revelation. We did write our “Hey Jude” parody
(“St. Jude”) about the book of Jude, though. This
was part of an all-Beatles project we started in
the winter of 1995-96. We played all of those
songs live at Lazarus’ Tomb on March 9, 1996,
and later released an atrocious recording of them
on a cassette called Beatleg (i.e. Beatles Bootleg).
I kept the lyrics pretty much the same when we
dug it out again for Chosen Ones.
You say you got a revelation, well, you know
We all wanna save the world
But transcendental meditation, well, you know
It ain’t gonna save the world
‘Cause then you’re talkin’ ‘bout deception
Don’t you know that you should cut it out
You know you gotta see the light – the light – the light
You say you got some information, well, you know
From a woman in a trance
I ask you for some confirmation, well you know
We all do need evidence
But in Deuteronomy 18 the Bible says
Prophets who tell you the future can’t make mistakes
You know it’s gotta be all right – all right – all right
LEAD
You say the zodiac is ancient, well, I know
Babylon’s where it began
You’re followin’ the constellations, well you know
They’ve all been moved around since then
But if you’re an Ares, a Pisces or Gemini
It’s all just a Cancer on everyone, then they die
You know you gotta see the light – the light – the light
The light ... is Christ! The light ... is Christ!
The light ... is Christ! The light ... is Christ!
424
Revelation Man
Parody of:
“Secret Agent Man” by Johnny Rivers
P.F. Sloan & Steve Barri
There’s a man who seems just like a savior
With everyone he meets he gains their favor
With every move he makes, another hand he shakes
Odds are he won’t give you peace tomorrow
Revelation man, Revelation man
He’s givin’ you a number and takin’ away your faith
It’s there in Revelation that you find
A pretty beast who has an evil mind
He led the world astray; they’ll give their souls away
All that he will give is grief and sorrow
CHORUS
Bringin’ all the world together one day
Then claiming that he’s God almighty next day
Ah, but you fell for all his tricks by listening to 666
God’s not who he is you’ll see tomorrow
Bible References:
Revelation 13:18
J’s Journal:
He’s the international man of mystery. Mystery
Babylon, that is. Call him the Beast, the Antichrist,
the Man of Lawlessness – in this parody, we
simply call him the Revelation Man, based on
his most famous appearances, in the Book of
Revelation. For more information, start reading
in Revelation chapter 13. This song was our
official soundcheck song for many years, mainly
because it’s so easy on the vocal cords.
425
Rock and Roots
Parody of:
“Rock and Roll” by Led Zeppelin
Jimmy Page, Robert Plant, John Paul Jones &
John Bonham
Bible References:
Luke 3:23-38
J’s Journal:
This is the only song I know of that lists the entire
genealogy of Jesus Christ from Luke chapter 3.
Adam begat Seth, who begat ... the whole way up to
Jesus. I just thought it would be cool to do something
like that, and the “let me get back” in Led Zeppelin’s
version reminded me of all those “he begat” phrases
you see in biblical genealogies. This is actually one
of the first parodies I ever wrote, while waiting for
a transit bus to pick me up in downtown Pittsburgh.
We played it during our very first ApologetiX
concert on March 27, 1992, and it appeared later
that year on an early homemade cassette, Parable
Guy, our first studio effort. Back then we called the
song “The Roots of Rock and Roll.”
Been a long time since-uh God made man
Had a long line of descendents planned
Adam begat Seth, who begat Enosh, who begat Cainan
Who begat Mahaleleel
Who begat Jared, who begat Enoch
Who had Methuselah who lived a life the longest time
BREAK
Lamech had Noah, had Shem, had Arphaxad
He begat Cainan, who had Shelah, and he had
Heber, Peleg, Reu and Serug, Nahor, Terah
Abraham, Isaac and Jacob
Judah, Perez, Hezron Ram, Admin*
Amminadab, Nahshon, Salmon, Boaz, Obed, Jesse and David
SPOKEN
Let’s turn the Page and Plant the family tree
Come on with John, Paul, Jonah, Peter, Moses and me
We’ll go from Adam to Jesus, a genealogy
We’ll spend a long, cool time there in Luke chapter three
Nathan, Mattatha, Menna, Melea
Eliakim, Jonam, Joseph and Judah
Ooh, Simeon, Levi, Matthat, Jorim, Eliezer
Joshua, Er, Elmadam, Cosam – Awesome!
Addi, Melchi, Neri, Shealtiel
Zerubbabel, Rhesa, Joanan, Joda, Josech, Semein
BREAK
Mattathias, Maath and Naggai
Hesli, Nahum, Amos, Hey!
Ooh yeah, ooh yeah
Ooh yeah, ooh yeah
Mattathias, Joseph, Jannai
Melchi, Levi, Matthat, Eli, Joseph and Jesus Christ!
NOTE: This is the New American Standard Version of the genealogy
Depending on the translation, this line can also be sung:
Judah, Perez, Hezron and Ram,
Amminadab, Nashon, Salmon, Boaz, Obed, Jesse & David
Please also note that the spelling of the names throughout the genealogy differs
from translation to translation.
426
Rock This Tower
Parody of:
“Rock This Town” by The Stray Cats
Brian Setzer
Bible References:
Genesis 11:1-9
J’s Journal:
Although some of the parodies on Spoofernatural
were written years earlier, this was the first song
specifically written for the project, in January 2000.
It’s about the Tower of Babel, of course. We played
the original Stray Cats version in a band I was in the
summer between my freshman and sophomore years
in college. In my short-lived career as an aspiring bass
player, I learned about three notable bass lines – this
one, the one in “White Wedding” by Billy Idol, and
the one in “Talking in Your Sleep” by the Romantics.
Well, in Babel* the people went out
And they were scattered real wide
They had a tower piled high, but they knew it wasn’t right
Well, they built it up and then God in Heaven saw it too
It happened long ago but I got the story for you
In chapter 11 you can look in Genesis if you please
BREAK
Well, they built a little place that really didn’t look half bad
They hadn’t finished up the top
When changes on the tower forced them to stop
Well, they put a lot of work into their plan
But all their languages was mixed up, man
Cause God went to Babel
Let’s find out what He had to say
We gotta rock this tower
Cause man is quite proud
We gotta rock this tower
Make them leave it now
Well, this is not of God – it’s got to stop
They’re gonna talk different ‘cause we’re gonna go mix ‘em up
We’re gonna rock this tower
Stop this thing right now
LEAD
Well, they babbled a while
Just a talkin’ like they did before
Well then they realized that they couldn’t understand anymore
Well, they looked pretty funny
They looked a real sight
They couldn’t stay together if they couldn’t speak alike
They had to stop that tower
Find a different place to start
CHORUS
NOTE: Babel can be pronounced “Bab-bull” or “Bay-bull.” In this song, it should be
pronounced “Bay-bull” so it sounds like “baby.”
427
Rocky Day Woman #8 & 3-11
Parody of:
“Rainy Day Women #12 and 35” by Bob Dylan
Bob Dylan
Bible References:
John 8:3-11
J’s Journal:
The first time I ever heard “Rainy Day Women #12
and 35” by Bob Dylan, I probably thought, “There’s
no way anybody could make this sound worse than
it does.” But I think we accomplished that with
this recording! It originally appeared on our second
studio cassette, Want It Dead or Alive?, released in
December 1992; it was one of the few times we ever
deliberately tried to play and sing poorly. Despite
that disclaimer, let me say that I’m a big Bob Dylan
fan, and I know he can sing and play quite well when
he wants to. His lyrics have been a big inspiration to
me, not to mention the pop, rock, country, and rap
scenes of the past 50 years. This song was a nobrainer for telling the story in John 8:3-11 where
the Pharisees and teachers of the law brought
Jesus a woman caught in the act of adultery. It
takes two to tango – where was the guy? Adultery
was just one of many offenses in the Old Testament
that were punishable by stoning – others included
breaking the Sabbath, necromancy, sorcery, cursing
God, idolatry, and rebelling against parents. If we’re
going to strictly enforce Old Testament penalties for
sins, then everybody must get stoned. Well, they dragged the woman up and down the street
Well, they dragged her, and they laid her at his feet
They said, “Adultery’s a sin and that’s a fact
“And we caught this woman in the very act
“But we would not judge her on our own
Tell us is it just to throw stones?”
Well, they thought they had the Master in a trap
Well, they had Him then and there and that was that
If He said that they should stone her, He was cruel
If He said to let her go, He broke the rules
So they asked with real impatient tones
“Tell us is it just to throw stones?”
Well, the Master didn’t say a thing at first
Then the Master started writing in the dirt
He said, “Let the one among you with no sin
“Be the first to throw the stone, and we’ll begin
“Yes, the one whom sin has never known
He can be the first to throw stones”
Well, the stones all started droppin’ to the ground
Until Jesus was the only one around
He said, “Where have all of your accusers gone?”
He said, “Has no man condemned you?” She said, “None”
He said, “Go and sin no more and head on home
“I ain’t gonna cast the first stone”
Well, the lesson’s pretty clear so listen in
Jesus was the only one who never sinned
And we know the wages of our sin is death
So we’ve got to go to Him while time is left
‘Cause if we face the judgment on our own
Everybody must get stoned!
428
Rocky Start
Parody of:
“Rockstar” by Nickelback
Chad Kroeger, Ryan Peake, Mike Kroeger &
Daniel Adair
Bible References:
Matthew 7:24-27, 21:42; 1 Corinthians 3:9-15;
Luke 6:47-49; Psalms 118:22-23; 1 Peter 2:4-8
J’s Journal:
Usually, it’s not a very good thing to get off to a
rocky start, but the Bible makes an exception: In the
parable of the wise and foolish builders, Jesus says,
“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine
and puts them into practice is like a wise man who
built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the
streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against
that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its
foundation on the rock” (Matthew 7:24-25). We had
just released the song “Singled You Out” in 2006
(our second Nickelback parody, after “How You
Rewind Me” in 2002), when people started asking
if we’d spoof “Rockstar.” I was hesitant to do that
so soon, but once I got the foundation for this song,
it was easy to build upon, and by that time it was
2009, three years later. I remember getting some of
these lyrics one day when I took my daughters for
an outing at Point State Park, and some other lyrics
at a Steak N’ Shake near Cincinnati, OH on a trip
home from my in-laws’ in Kentucky. My wife had
been a fan of the shows Trading Spaces and Extreme
Makeover: Home Edition, so that explains some of
the references. The original drummer for ApologetiX,
Jeff Pakula, was a carpenter, and – as the bumper
sticker says – my Boss is a Jewish carpenter, too.
I’m through with sand in my eyes because of weather and wind
Seemed like a tropic paradise – I remember movin’ in
This life hasn’t turned out quite the way I thought it would be
(Tell me what you want)
I want a brand new house – one that’s never gonna drift
Or collapse whenever the rains fall in
And I think time’s come to give up this sandbox dream
(Yeah, so what you need)
I need to get it started – I’ll begin it
With a big flat layer of bedrock in it
Gonna fortify my house like Matthew 7 counsels me
(Built better, done right)
I’ve got a new toolbox called the Word of God
And I’ll start on top of the Solid Rock
Cause it’s Extreme Human Makeover time for me
(So how you gonna do it)
I’m gonna change this life before it’s in flames
I’ll even call Ty here to trade my space
Cause we all just gotta get a big rocky start
So we can build our house without a shifting yard
It don’t come easy, but it’s dug down deep
The walls stay standing and the steps won’t creak
And we’ll hang tough in the cruelest storms
When you see high winds on the news reports
Every good home-builder doesn’t wind up scared
Cause it’s way more sturdy than the beach down there
And, hey, hey, I’m gonna need a rocky start
Hey, hey, I’m gonna need a rocky start
I wanna build a great, white palace with stuff that lasts
So I can make a Taj Mahal and not a big sandcastle
Not with stubble, wood, or grass just like in First Corinthians 3
(I’ll have a casa de Dios, uh huh)
I’m gonna bless my house with the greatest plans
He said in John 14:2 there’s plenty more mansions
Decorate with silver, gold, and precious stones provided for me
(So how you gonna do it?)
I’m gonna change change this life before it’s in flames
I’ll even call Ty here to trade my space
REPEAT FIRST CHORUS
And we’ll wipe out all the private rooms
Where we had addictions buried in their painted tombs
I guess you never think this but in a while
Everybody’s gettin’ dug deeper once we’ve died
Well, hey, hey, I’m gonna need a rocky start
I’m gonna seize that stone that the builders rejected
Gonna pass all codes when it gets inspected
Let washed-up sinners try to mock my song
They’re sinkin’ in the mire because they built it wrong
REPEAT FIRST CHORUS & SECOND CHORUS
429
Rocky’s Now My Name
Parody of:
“Rocky Mountain Way” by Joe Walsh
Joe Walsh, Joe Vitale, Ken Passarelli &
Rocke Grace
Spent my past here, stuck in Galilee
Couldn’t get inspired
Found the Master then He changed my name
‘cause Simon’s old and tired
And you know Jesus says that
I’m a rocky, stoney lad
But if Rocky’s now my name
It’s better than the name I had
Well, the Zealot, magician and leper all had
Names that they shared with me
And there was a tanner
Jesus’ brother and Judas’ dad – even a Pharisee
Simon’s name was standard
And there’s Simon of Cyrene and
Simon Cowell and more than that, uh huh
So if Rocky’s now my name
It’s better that He named me that
Bible References:
Matthew 16:18; John 1:42
J’s Journal:
The name “Simon” was about as common in ancient
Judea as “Joe” is in America today, and a number of
Simons are mentioned in the New Testament. Even
among the Apostles, there were two Simons – Simon
the Zealot and Simon son of Jonah, the brother of
Andrew. But out of all the Apostles – including
Andrew, John, James, and the rest of the gang
– Simon Peter was the confessor that said Jesus
was “the Christ, the son of the living God.” That’s
one of the reasons Jesus called him Peter, “The
Rock.” Although he was just an ordinary, average
guy, he had an extraordinary faith. Sure, he chose
to walk away and deny Jesus in the city before
His crucifixion, but he left his life of seclusion after
Christ’s resurrection and became a bold witness for
the Lord in the long run. This song was written way
back in 1996, I think, and it sat in the vaults for a
decade. Our old drummer Bill “Moose” Rieger thought
it was really funny, and that was one of the main
reasons we chose it for this project, although by the
time we recorded it, Jimmy “Vegas” Tanner was our
drummer. That’s ironic, because there was already a
line in the song that said, “And there was a tanner.”
430
Your Everlasting Father, you can’t see no faith in that
So you have to preach on something that you think is more abstract
Well, you wouldn’t even know a Bible if you held it in your hands
The things you think impressive I can’t understand
Parody of:
“Reelin’ in the Years” by Steely Dan
Donald Fagen & Water Becker
Bible References:
Mark 8:15; Matthew 5:20, 16:6-12; Luke 12:1; 1
Corinthians 15:17-19; Ezekiel 10:13-16; Acts 23:3
J’s Journal:
Jesus warned his disciples: “Be on your guard
against the yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees”
(Matthew 16:6). This song puts that message in
a modern-day perspective. I’ve never understood
people who don’t believe the Bible but still choose
careers in ministry. If I didn’t believe the Gospel
was true, I wouldn’t want to be wasting my time
in a church or teaching something I thought was a
myth. Although I’d been wanting to spoof “Reelin’
in the Years” for a long time and knew what topic
I wanted to address, it wasn’t until February 3,
2013, when I got the final idea and most of the
lyrics for “Rollin’ in the Yeast.” I remember the date
because it was Super Bowl Sunday. The Ravens
were going to play the 49ers, and I took a long walk
around my neighborhood beforehand. That’s when
I got the lion’s share (even though the Lions had
never been in a Super Bowl) of the lyrics. Ironically
(or Steely), I recorded the lead vocals for it exactly
one year later, on February 3, 2014. Of course, just
because I wrote most of the lyrics on one particular
day doesn’t mean I didn’t spend a lot of time finetuning them afterward. My poor daughter Heather
couldn’t get the song out of her head because she’d
heard me playing it so many times in the car while
driving her to school and working on edits.
Are you rollin’ in the yeast
So you can make it rise
Are you fattenin’ up the geese
Have you had ‘em stuffed with lies
Are you really just a weed
Growin’ up late at night
I’ll be gatherin’ up the sheep
That you’ve scattered left and right
You’ve been tellin’ me you worshipped Jesus till you were 17
Around that time they told you Christ was only just a dream
They weakened you in college till you turned out like they planned
You think you have some knowledge I can’t understand
Are you reelin’ in the fish
Don’t even waste your time
You’d be better off than this
If you led a life of crime
I’ve seen a lot of funny things but never thought I’d find
A Christian wagin’ holy war against the Lord divine
After all the things He’s done for me I’m fine with what I am
The finks who make like Judas I can’t understand
Are you feelin’ unbelief
Throwin’ away your life
Are you sad, you Sadducee
Are you mad at Matthew 5
431
Ronomy
Parody of:
“Runaway” by Del Shannon
Max Crook & Del Shannon
As they walked along they numbered
Two million strong
With all of their wives and all their young
And as Israel walked out of Egypt
Some things went wrong in the desert
That’s why they took so long
In the book where it began
Israel found itself in Egypt’s land
Bid adieu in Exodus
Straight through Leviticus and Numbers
They wa-wa-wa-wa-wandered
While, while, while, while, while they went astray
And they wound up their desert stay
In Deuteronomy
A-ron-ron-ron-ron-ronomy
Bible References:
Deuteronomy 29:5
J’s Journal:
This is a simple song about the Israelites in the
Exodus and their wandering in the wilderness. I
can’t remember where I was when I got the idea,
but it came pretty quickly, sometime in the mid1990’s. Even in the midst of the wilderness, when
God refused to let the Israelites enter the promised
land for 40 years, He was still performing miracles.
One of the most amazing ones is mentioned in
Deuteronomy 29:5: “During the forty years that I led
you through the desert, your clothes did not wear
out, nor did the sandals on your feet.”
432
Sa-Maria
Sa-maria*
Was the home once of a long-lost race
Omri bought it from Shemer
To be a town to take Jerus’lem’s place
A-ssyria
Had long before dispersed the tribes
And the only people left were half-breed Israelites
Parody of:
“My Maria” by Brooks & Dunn and B.W. Stevenson
B.W. Stevenson & Daniel Moore
Bible References:
1 Kings 16:24, John 4:1-42
J’s Journal:
Before they split up, the countries of Samaria and
Judea were a successful duo known as Israel. They
shared much more than a borderline, but they’d
burned that bridge hundreds of years before and had
no plans to build it again. That’s what the first half
of this song is all about – the origin of Samaria and
reasons why Jews didn’t like Samaritans. However,
Jesus was about to rock their world with brand new
manners in His relations with Samaritans. Not only
did He make a Samaritan man the hero in one of
His parables, He even started a conversation with a
Samaritan woman ... one who had been married five
times! But if you see her discussion with him in John
4, it’s not just about husbands and wives. By the time
they’re done, she’s asked Him about the Messiah,
and He’s plainly told her, “I am that man.” Although
we released our two Brooks & Dunn parodies 11
years apart (2004 for “Good News Bookie” and 2015
for “Sa-Maria”), they actually were both written in
the mid-90’s. My favorite line was “Omri bought
it from Shemer to be a town to take Jerusalem’s
place.” I used it to teach myself how Samaria got
its name and became the capital of Israel’s northern
kingdom. When I could still remember it two
decades after writing it, I knew it was a keeper.
Joe Cataneo from Jimmy’s home church made his
APX debut on this song. Bill Hubauer added violin,
keyboards, and faux pedal steel. Sa-maria
(Oh, Samaria, God loves you so – Oh, Sa-maria)
Sa-marieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
(Oh, Samaria, God loves you so)
Samaria, God loves you
Sa-maria
There were some Jews who called them swine
All their thoughts about them seemed bad – in Jesus’ time
Yet this lady
From Samaria heard Him speak
He set her soul free by the gift of His prophecy
She said, we know Christ will come guide the way
He said, you’re so right, lady, take me today
Sa-maria
(Oh, Samaria, God loves you so – Oh, Sa-maria)
Sa-marieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
(Oh, Samaria, God loves you so)
Samaria, God loves you
*NOTE: When the word “Samaria” appears as “Sa-Maria” in this song, sing it as
“Sah Maria,” so it rhymes with “My Maria.” When it appears as Samaria, pronounce
it the correct way.
433
Sabbath Day That’s Alright for Righting
Parody of:
“Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting” by Elton
John
Bible References:
Mark 3:1-6, Luke 13:10-17
J’s Journal:
Quite simply, I wanted to do a song that listed
all of the times Jesus healed on the Sabbath. We
recorded this live in June 1992 at the Paradise Club
in Irwin, PA and released it on our fist cassette,
Get Your Wigs, soon after. For more info, see the
notes on the revised version, “Sabbath Day’s Quite
Alright for Nice Things,” which we released on The
Boys Aren’t Backin’ Down in 2009.
The Pharisees say that on the Sabbath day
All workin’ is against the law
But there was a man with a withered hand
In the synagogue where Jesus taught
The Pharisees were watchin’
But they didn’t do no talkin’
‘Cause they wanted to see Him sweat
But Jesus knew there thoughts
And they were not what they ought
He took him and healed him and said
Don’t give us none of your false religion
I’ve had it with you hypocrites
Sabbath day that’s alright for righting
Every wrong the devil did
Man you know that ever since-a Jesus came
God just heals them left and right
And Sabbath day sights are righteous sights
Sabbath day righteous sights, alright, alright ... oooo
Well, her back was a sight and I’m bein’ polite
She was bendin’ over double to half of her height
Until Jesus loosed her muscles there in Luke 13
After 18 years she straightened out and she was freed
A couple other times that the Sabbath was right
Was a man with the dropsy and a man born blind
Peter’s mother-in-law and a demoniac
And Beth-es-da with the man with the mat
CHORUS
434
Sabbath Day’s Quite Alright for Nice Things
Parody of:
“Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting” by Elton
John
Bible References:
Mark 3:1-6, Luke 13:10-17
J’s Journal:
This is “Sabbath Day That’s Alright for Righting”
redux. I just felt we could do a better job lyrically
(including the title) and musically. One of the lines I
was not going to change was, “Well, her back was
a sight and I’m being polite – she was bendin’ over
double to half of her height.” That was always one
of my favorites. In fact, I didn’t change much about
the second verse for our second attempt, because
I liked it so much. I was a big fan of the span of
albums Elton John released from 1970-75, and the
stuff on Goodbye Yellow Brick Road was amazing.
It’s a cool contrast how the original Elton version is
about a guy who couldn’t wait to go out and do bad,
wheras the parody is about Somebody who couldn’t
wait (until the Sabbath was over) to go out and do
good (i.e. heal people). This song starts with Jesus
healing the man with the withered hand in Mark
3:1-6, but that’s a carryover from Jesus’ teaching
in the last verse of the previous chapter, where He
said, “The Sabbath was made for man, not man for
the Sabbath” (Mark 2:27). I love how Mark notes
in 3:4-5 that Jesus was angry and distressed at
the stubborn hearts of the Pharisees, who thought
the letter of the law was more important than
the spirit of the law, and how Jesus made this
devastating statement to them: “Which is lawful on
the Sabbath: to do good or to do evil, to save life or
to kill?” Those are powerful words, as always, but
Jesus backed them up with equally powerful deeds!
In Galilee we had a scene one day
I’ll tell you what the Lord did here
The Sabbath was clogged in the synagogue
When a withered-handed fool appeared
The poor man was sufferin’ but the Pharisees did nothin’
And they all waited for Jesus there
But Jesus broke through their traditions and rules
The hand once diseased He repaired
Oh, don’t give us none of your regulations
Sabbath day’s quite alright for nice things
Get a little practice in
Man,they’re gettin’ spoiled now that Jesus came
God just heals ‘em left and right
And Sabbath day’s quite all right for Christ
Sabbath day’s quite alright, alright, alright, ooh
Well, her back was a sight, I’m being polite
Was bendin’ over double to half of her height
Jesus loosed her crippled muscles there in Luke 13
After 18 years she straightened out and she was freed!
A couple other times when the Sabbath was right
Was a man with-a dropsy and a man born blind
Peter’s feverish mother-in-law and a demoniac
And Bethesda with the man who had the mat
Oh, don’t give us none of your bad religion
Sabbath day’s quite alright for nice things
Get a little practice in
Man, they’re gettin’ spoiled now that Jesus came
God just heals ‘em left and right
And Sabbath day’s quite all right for Christ
Sabbath day’s quite alright, alright, alright, ooh
435
Sad Today in the Dark
Parody of:
“Saturday in the Park” by Chicago
Robert Lamm
Bible References:
Isaiah 49:6, 1 Thessalonians 5:4-5
J’s Journal:
This song exhorts us to be a light to those in darkness.
Sometimes when I’m having a dialogue with fans,
along comes a woman or man with questions 67 and
68: Are there any artists ApologetiX won’t spoof?
If you’ve wondered that, you’re not alone. What
kind of man would I be if I didn’t answer? Here’s
the lowdown: it’s more a matter of artists who are
difficult for us to replicate. One of them is Chicago.
Baby, what a big surprise! ApologetiX doesn’t have
a brass section, so it’s hard to say I’m sorry about
that. If you go back to the old days at the beginnings
of ApologetiX, you can find live recordings where a
guy with a trumpet sat in for fun, but he didn’t stay
the night onstage. I’m a man who likes Chicago;
their songs make me smile. I wrote about 25 or
six to four parodies of their songs for our church’s
worship team (which includes an excellent brass
section) after the church decided to call on me to
help lead worship. I’ve been searchin’ so long for a
time when we could perform some of those parodies,
and that came at a church concert in August 2013.
I don’t know when we’ll play them live again, and
I was wishing you were here, so I decided to look
for a way to share them with you. Sorry for all the
Chicago puns. Between just you ‘n’ me, that’s a hard
habit to break. Will you still love me? I don’t want to
live without your love. If you leave me now, you’ll …
hey, why are you turning the page? They’re sad today in the dark
I think they want a source of true light
They’re sad today in the dark
I think they want a source of true light
People can’t see – it’s so nasty
They can’t tell the right things
We need to tell them all:
Hey, compadre
If you’re not saved
Man, you need it
Just like me
And I sure waited such a long time
To find the way
Another day in the dark
The people lost the source of true light
Another day in the dark
The people lost the source of true light
People mocking and reviling
A man on a big cross
Hanging for us all
Will you help Him change the world?
Can you bring it?
Yes I can!
While we wait there’s such a long line
Of folks to save
Rome crucified Him
On account of us that day
The Prophets still said
His story’d twist that way
He fulfilled them all on that cross
All on that cross, whoa
Find a way in the dark
To let them see the source of your light
Shine the way in the dark
And let them see the source of your light
Keep on preaching
Keep on loving
And we’ll tell the nations
Waiting for us all
Everyone that feels unwanted
Can you bring it? Yes I can
Why you waiting such a long time?
Go today!
436
Saint Jude
Parody of:
“Hey Jude” by The Beatles
Bible References:
The Epistle of Jude
J’s Journal:
If you have an older edition of the Bible, it might list
the book of Jude as “The Epistle of Saint Jude,”
and that’s what the title of this parody refers to.
Jude is the fourth-shortest book in the Bible (after 3
John, 2 John, and Philemon). It’s even shorter than
Obadiah, the shortest book in the Old Testament.
All five of those books only have one chapter. I
thought it would be funny to use one of the Beatles’
longest songs (over seven minutes) to talk about one
of the Bible’s shortest books. Scholars believe the
epistles of James and Jude were written by Jesus’
half-brothers. According to Mark 6:3 and Matthew
13:55-56, Jesus had four brothers (James, Joseph,
Jude, and Simon) and sisters, too. They were
technically half-brothers, because Jesus’ Father
was God but their father was Joseph. During Jesus’
earthly ministry, His brothers didn’t believe in him
(John 7:5) and at one point even tried to take him
away because they thought he’d lost his mind (Mark
3:21, 31-35). But after He rose from the dead and
appeared personally to James (as related in 1 Cor.
15:7), they changed their minds. But just because
James and Jude were his brothers and are called
saints, doesn’t mean that we are second-class
citizens. The Bible calls all believers saints in the
books of Acts, Romans, and 1 Corinthians; and it also
says that Jesus is not ashamed to call us his brothers
and sisters (Hebrews 2:11). Hallelujah! Saint Jude ... he makes it fast
Take a second and read his letter
Remember
It’s just a few verses long so is this song
So pay attention
Saint Jude ... both he and James
Were related to our Lord and Savior
They didn’t
Believe their brother was Him till He’d risen
But He forgave ‘em
And when they tell you Jude’s a saint
They should explain
Don’t dare think that you’re someone who’s lower
For 1 Corinthians 6, verse 2, explains, we too
Are saints, just as well; he’s just much older
La da da da da da da da da da
Saint Jude ... is written down
I have found it ... here’s how you get there
Remember
That Revelation comes last ... right before that
Is Saint Jude’s letter
So get it out and read again, Saint Jude, begin
Don’t wait until Sunday School to learn it
For don’t you know that old Saint Jude
He said we should
Contend for the faith, because it’s permanent
Saint Jude ... goes way too fast
Take a second and read his letter
Remember
We played this song about him so you’d begin
To read his letter
And ya never ever better forget it now
C’mon and get it out now
Read it out loud Saint Jude
C’mon and get it out now
Read it out loud Saint Jude
(I don’t want you to pray to Saint Jude
You just gotta read it!)
437
Santa Claus
Parody of:
“Panama” by Van Halen
David Lee Roth, Alex Van Halen & Edward
Van Halen
Bible References:
Luke 2:11
J’s Journal:
This song starts with a kid who thinks Christmas
is all about Santa Claus and then focuses on the
real Reason for the season. This was a goofy parody
we got the idea for one night while we were in the
food court of an Ohio turnpike rest area. Some of
the inspiration for this tune probably comes from
the old Larry Norman song “Christmastime” from
his So Long Ago ... the Garden album. I always
thought our 2001 recording of this song could
have been a little smoother, so when Tinch asked
me about re-recording it in 2013, we deciced to
include a new version on Classics: Christmas.
Mom, Dad! What’s that sound?
Here he comes – don’t call the cops now
That dude – heard about his attitude
Naughty kids will get – zero Christmas gifts
Don’t you know he’s coming Christmas Eve?
I’m gonna toss and turn – I’ll get up!
Santa Claus, Santa Claus
Santa Claus, Santa Claus (oh ho ho ho ho)
Ain’t nothin’ like him that I’ve ever seen
Got to fly around the world – he’s a human sardine
How’d you – climb on down my chimney flue?
Got my mom and dad comin’ to my bedroom:
“Don’t you know how come there’s Christmas Eve?
Don’t lose it in the rush!”
I give up! Huh?!!
Santa Claus, Santa Claus
Santa Claus, Santa Claus (oh ho ho ho ho)
SPOKEN:
Yeah, there’s somethin’ the little kid forgot tonight
I can barely see the star for the tree comin’ off of it
If I reach down I can see the manger
Reason for the season
Gift buying – time’s flying
Got to find the real true meaning
Got the feeling something’s missing
Christmas shopping ain’t no fun without
Son of God, Son of God
Son of God, Son of God, (oh ho ho ho ho)
Son of God, Son of God, (oh ho ho ho ho)
Son of God!
438
Save Your Voice (Quiet Down, Boy)
Parody of:
“Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy)” by Big & Rich
Kenny Alphin & John Rich
Bible References:
Zephaniah 3:14-17; 2 Chronicles 20:19; Psalms
22:3, 98:4-9, 150:1-6; Romans 8:18; 2 Corinthians
4:17, 10:4-5; Ephesians 6:10-18; 1 John 5:13
J’s Journal:
Is there a believer out there who can truly say they’ve
never been down? It’s hard enough to remember to
praise God in the good times; how about the bad
times? As they said in The Wizard of Oz, “Now,
that’s a horse of a different color!” Sometimes, as
we live this life, we get so caught up in the moment
and in the troubles of the real world we forget that
“our light affliction, which is but for a moment,
worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal
weight of glory” (2 Corinthians 4:17). We may face
some big-time challenges and we may not be filthy
rich, but we ain’t broke yet, even if there appears to
be nothing in our bank account at the time. As David
said, “I have been young, and now am old; yet have I
not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging
bread” (Psalms 37:25). It can require a real leap of
faith to praise God in the midst of suffering, but we
do have the promise that “all things work together
for good to them that love God, to them who are
the called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28).
Furthermore, as believers in Christ, we have the
promise that we’re saved and we’ll live forever. This
is a cause for celebration and preparation, whether
or not the Billy Graham Crusade or Promise Keepers
is coming to your city. Some of the final lines of
this song were written on a trip to Robinson Town
Centre Mall in Robinson Township, PA.
When I walk in doom and gloom
Stressin’ ‘bout a hundred different bills, man, it kills any thrill
Like a thorn stuck in Cinderella’s heel
And I’m bothered by a couple pounds I’ve found
I think my body’s getting’ round and this clown
Ain’t never gonna be the same
But the battle is the Lord’s and I might as well get busy
I’m makin’ God annoyed when I wallow in self pity
Fightin’ must be done God’s way and God told us rejoice
When the world says, save your voice, quiet down, boy
Yeah, the Bible say, Praise the Lord nice and loud, boy
When I don’t give Him thanks about nothin’
I’m sinkin’ in bleak thinkin’ – my morale’s a stinkin’
Don’t get down!
And I wouldn’t trade my reward up in Heaven’s gates
For success that fades or some cheap charade
And there’s not a long wait left anyhow
And the battle is the Lord’s and He’ll fight it to the finish
I’m raisin’ up my voice, and it works like Popeye’s spinach
Then the Bible says, Praise the Lord nice and loud, boy
I was full of dread ‘bout what’s ahead
I looked back at what God did
When Christ was sweatin’ blood
God’s Son got onto that Calvary road
When I find that I’m inclined to whine
Havin’ myself a rigorous time
I’ll be knowin’ this is not as far as He had to go
A thorough evaluation of my final destination
Had me thank Him for salvation all life long
So I look to God, He’s big and strong
He can use it when my whole world’s wrong
I figure if I really know His Son I should speak up
When things get rough
And the battle is the Lord’s and my attitude is lifting
I make a lot of noise, like it says in Psalm 150
Then the Bible says, Praise the Lord nice and loud, boy
439
Scars
Here are My scars – I came straight through the wall
You can lock all the doors – but you’ll only believe with scars
Here are My scars – Isaiah 53
It predicted for you – the way I’d pay for your lives with scars
Parody of:
“Cars” by Gary Numan
Here are My scars – well, there isn’t a doubt
That I’m risen indeed– if I show you My four nail scars
Here are My scars – I know you’re starting to think
About believing in Christ – you know, nothing heals like these scars
Gary Numan
Bible References:
John 20:24-29, Isaiah 53:4-5
J’s Journal:
What was it like when the resurrected Christ first
appeared to His disciples in the midst of a locked
room? Were his friends shocked? The moment was
definitely electric! To make certain they knew He
wasn’t some ghost or replica, Jesus showed them
the scars from His crucifixion. Then they felt a new
wave of relief and were overjoyed. I started writing
this in 2010 as a candidate for the 80’s medley on
Wise Up and Rock. Consequently, I didn’t have a
complete parody written. I thought it was a good
rhyme and the music matched the eerie feeling
the Apostles must have felt when they saw Jesus
suddenly appear in the locked room in which they
had gathered. But I was worried about the robotic
sounding voice in Gary Numan’s original; I didn’t
want to make Jesus sound cold and unfeeling. So
I abandoned the song. But I reconsidered it when
we were mapping out Easter Standard Time in
early 2015, because I knew Jimmy was a big
Gary Numan fan. I’d purchased the 45 single of
“Cars” myself back in 1980, because I’d been so
mesmerized seeing Numan perform it on Saturday
Night Live. I later found out Hubie liked it, too. I
felt the lyrics were a gift from God, and I decided I
could try to humanize the voice a little more when I
sang it. So I wrote a second verse. Even with both
verses, that song has one of the shortest sets of
lyrics of any ApologetiX parody. It didn’t take long
to sing, and I’m really glad we did it. 440
Scripture
Parody of:
“Picture” by Kid Rock & Sheryl Crow
Robert J. Ritchie & Sheryl Suzanne Crow
Bible References:
Luke 15:11-32, 2 Timothy 3:15-16, Psalm 119:105
J’s Journal:
Like “Good News Bookie,” this song starts out with
a reference to a Gideons Bible in a hotel room. But
in this case, although the Gideons placed it there,
the singer knows it was really put there by God.
The singer’s been avoiding God, but God is patiently
waiting and wooing him back. I love Gideon’s Bibles.
We stay in hotels all over the United States, and
I take great comfort in opening up the drawer of
the night stand, desk, or dresser, and finding a Bible
there. Although I carry a Bible with me on the road,
most times I read the Gideons edition in my room,
just to appreciate the privilege of having a Bible
provided in my hotel room. As soon as I got the idea
for this parody, I liked it, but there was one problem;
the parts where God was speaking were written
over Sheryl Crow’s parts, and I didn’t want to have a
girl’s voice singing them. We finally bit the bullet and
decided to have Karl sing those parts. “Scripture”
was originally planned as part of the sequel to Adam
Up, and it was back-to-back with “Drift Away” on
my practice CD. It was written in time for New
& Used Hits, but it didn’t quite fit.
Livin’ my life like there’s no hell
In the drawer there’s a Bible at the hotel
I can see it’s some kind of pre-planned place
Been fool enough to go play it risky
Wish I thought the Good Lord would miss me
Lord, I wonder what You meant by “saved by grace”
I put Your scripture away, stopped tryin’ to find the way
I can’t look for truth while I’m lyin’ – that’s the worst
I put Your scripture away, I know that crime don’t pay
I can’t look at truth now I’m cryin’ – yes, it hurts
I called you last night in the hotel
Everyone goes through their slow spells
But your half-started Bible has something you just can’t deny
It’s been written for you for a long time
You just have to start it and keep tryin’
That ain’t hard if you can read and write
I put the scriptures in place, I wrote the words within
I left the Book for you so you’d find it, and you did
Don’t put My scriptures away – I don’t care where you’ve been
I said the Book is true, why not try it? Let me in!
I saw you just today with it open
It was the strangest thing how it happened
Since You called, God, my world’s been startin’ to change
(Since you called God, your world’s been startin’ to change)
I decided to read the Bible today
The quotes started jumpin’ off the page
When they read it in church
I was often sleeping away
I’ve thought about you for a long time
It seems as if You read my mind
(It seems as if you read My mind)
That’s because the Scriptures are livin’, like they say
I finally picked up today
(I’m glad you picked up today)
God’s Word and changed my ways
(My Word and changed your ways)
I just called Your name I want to come back home
(I just called your name I want you to come back home)
I just called Your name I want to come back home
(I just called your name I want you to come back home)
441
Search and You’ll Get Saved
Parody of:
“Surfin’ USA” by The Beach Boys
Chuck Berry
Bible References:
Isaiah 55:6, Deuteronomy 4:29, Haggai 2:6-7,
Zephaniah 1:14-18
J’s Journal:
This one was written back in the mid-90’s, and I
always felt it would be a crowd pleaser if we played
it live or released it on CD, so that’s what we did
on Chosen Ones in 2007. But we didn’t really start
doing it regularly in concert until late 2011, after we
learned it for a concert in Surf City USA – Huntingdon
Beach, CA. The first band I ever got into was the
Beach Boys, and this was probably the first song
of theirs that really captivated me. Ironically, the
Beach Boys’ original took the melody from another
song (Chuck Berry’s “Sweet Little Sixteen”) and
gave it a new set of lyrics; but it wasn’t a parody,
and Chuck Berry wasn’t amused, which is why he
gets songwriting credit and royalties for it. When I
was growing up, I actually thought the Beach Boys
were singing, “If everybody had a notion” (rather
than “if everybody had an ocean”), so it was a
natural diving off point for the parody.
If everybody had a notion – how close that you might be
Then everbody’d be searchin’ – right down upon their knees
You’d see ‘em carryin’ their Bibles – and not just Sundays, too
There’d be a push to form prayer groups – searchin’ to get saved
They’d pack the churches and close bars
(Seek and find now’s the time to get saved)
And stand around in line
Cram the pews like dance halls
You’d wonder where they’d been
Although it ain’t happened
Get on your knees and pray
Everybody’s goin’ searchin’ – search and you’ll get saved
You know this planet’s a balloon
It’s gonna break real soon
The time is now to search for
Your next place to move
We’ll all be goin’ to somewhere
There’s just two places to stay
Tell the preacher you’re searchin’ – searchin’ to get saved
Get on your knees ‘cause God made
Specific promises
Said that those who really want Me
Are gonna seek My face
With all of their hearts now
They’ll find-a Me that day
LEAD
442
Second Glance
Parody of:
“Second Chance” by Shinedown
Brent Smith & Dave Bassett
Bible References:
J’s Journal:
The first time I really started reading the Bible
as an adult was in early 1987, and though I was
sincerely seeking answers, I was hoping the Bible
would tell me what my friends and family told me
– that I was OK as I was. The Bible did not agree
with their assessment, however, and neither did
my conscience. Consequently, I tried to make
myself good enough for God on my own terms, but I
couldn’t resist temptation and eventually abandoned
ship. I lived the rest of that year on the run from
God, mostly doing whatever I pleased. Despite this,
I found myself on my knees in an empty church on
Super Bowl Sunday in 1988, pouring my heart out
to God, confessing I was a sinner with no hope of
making it into Heaven without His intervention, and
asking Him to come into my life. What a difference
that made in my understanding of the Bible! I picked
it back up in the following weeks, and it was like I
was reading a different book. Don’t get me wrong,
I enjoyed it the first time; but it discouraged me,
because I was trying in my own strength to please
God. After I realized I couldn’t do that without
Christ, I asked Him in, and that totally changed my
perspective on the Bible. Now it was an encouraging
book and made much more sense. God’s Word
doesn’t change, but I changed. That’s why this song
says “sometimes the Bible needs a second glance.”
My Bible’s open wide
By the way, I made it through today
I read the words inside
By the way, I believe in all they say
I heard some hasty comments you made
So why’d you call me dumb and insane?
Even to mention it you get so weird
Something is the matter here
Tell my brothers about my Father
I’ve done the best I can
To make them read the lines
That saved my life
I hope they understand
I’m not crazy I’m just saved
Sometimes the Bible needs a second glance
See I tried once before this
And got afraid of what it had to say
This time I went and told the Lord
I’m gettin’ close
So show me Lord the way
I did some crazy stuff in between
I tried to stall by runnin’ away
But even then, man, it was soon crystal clear
I’m gonna lose my status here
CHORUS
443
The Second Half of Acts
Parody of:
“Your Mama Don’t Dance” by Loggins & Messina
and Poison
Kenny Loggins & Jim Messina
Bible References:
Acts 9-28
J’s Journal:
Hey, what gives? The book of the Acts of the
Apostles has 28 chapters, and Saul of Tarsus, the
man who would become Paul, first makes a cameo
appearance at the end of chapter 7. Shouldn’t
this song be called the “Second Three-Fourths of
Acts”? Even if you wait till his conversion in Acts
chapter 9, that would be the “Second Two-Thirds
of Acts,” wouldn’t it? Boy, you sure ask a lot of
questions! Well, besides the fact that those would
make for some very clunky titles, the Apostle Paul
doesn’t really take over the book of Acts until
chapter 13 (about halfway through the book),
and Peter dominates the headlines of Acts 1012. So there! This song was a staple at our early
concerts, and this version was originally recorded
at our fifth concert ever, June 20, 1992, at the
Paradise Club in Irwin, PA. We released it on our
first live cassette, Get Your Wigs, in June 1992.
There was another live version on our Parable Guy
cassette in October 1992 that was even worse, yet
another argument against evolution. The second half of Acts is the story of Apostle Paul
The second half of Acts is the story of Apostle Paul
You get to chapter 8
Then you know you gotta wait
There’s 20 to go. Apostle Paul!
A dude named Luke wrote a
letter to Theophilos
And Luke was a doctor who knew who each apostle was
He writes about the rest
But there’s only one he gets
To really discuss
And guess who it was!
Well, it’s Paul, because ...
CHORUS
LEAD
In chapter 1 the Lord, He ascended through the clouds
In chapter 2, the Spirit came, and Pete preached to a crowd
In 3, Peter & John healed a man when he was lame
In chapter 4, they went to court
Then Ananias in chapter 5,
And Stephen
In 6 and in 7
And Philip in 8
Then, it’s Paul, because ...
CHORUS
444
Second Timothy
Parody of:
“Sex and Candy” by Marcy Playground
John K. Wozniak
Bible References:
2 Timothy 3:16
J’s Journal:
I got the idea for this parody while riding in the
band van on the way to a concert in Gaffney, SC
in 1998. It deals with the accuracy, applicability,
and inspiration of scripture, as discussed in 2
Timothy 3:16-17: “All Scripture is God-breathed
and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and
training in righteousness, so that the man of God
may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.”
I’m reminded of a woman who was trying to reach
a particular tribe who had never heard the Gospel.
She took the long time to learn their language and
translated the Gospel of Matthew, but she left out
the beginning with the genealogies, because she
didn’t think it mattered. When the Gospels arrived
in the village, the people were all excited, and she
was, too. Then she realized it was because they’d
never seen a truck before and that’s all; her Gospels
lay unread. Later she took the time to translate the
genealogy and do the complete story. Much to her
surprise, the village chief contacted her one time
and wanted to know what the genealogies meant.
She explained, and then he said, “Do you mean this
Jesus is a real person?” He never understood that
until he saw the genealogy, which was something
he could relate to. Then he said, “How come nobody
ever came and told us about Him before?” True
story. You never know what God is going to use
(like genealogies) and He promises that His Word
never comes back void (Isaiah 55:11).
Hangin’ round, found a Bible on the shelf
And I had so much time to sit and read it for myself
And there it was
My Bible verified my very thoughts – all Scripture is inspired
I saw Second Timothy, yeah –
Verse 3:16, it’s right there
Who says that there’s previous errors in my Old Test’ment?
You know it surely isn’t me (yeah)
Mama, they should read 3:16 (dig it)
Bring it down, down from off your shelf
And go read verse 3:16 in Second Timothy yourself
Go there because
Cause that verse demonstrates
Oh, yes it does – all Scripture’s heaven-made
I saw Second Timothy, yeah
Who’s got doubts cause – it’s quite clear
Who says that there’s grievous errors in my Old Test’ment?
Mama, it surely isn’t me (yeah)
Mama, they should read 3:16 (dig it)
I saw Second Timothy, yeah
Who’s got doubts cause it’s right there
Who says that there’s devious errors in my Old Test’ment?
Mama, it surely isn’t me (yeah)
Yeah, mama, they should read 3:16
Yeah, mama, it shows you what I mean
Yeah, mama, I trust what I read
445
Go the world over, go preach in the streets
People need aware of just what is decreed
Listen, please, Christians, spread the Word like good seed
Peace is available with God completely free
Ha ha yeah
Ha ha yeah
Parody of:
“People Got to Be Free” by The Rascals
Felix Cavaliere and Eddie Brigati
Bible References:
Romans 5:1-2, John 8:31-32
J’s Journal:
Many people who use the phrase “the truth will
set you free” don’t know the source (Jesus) or the
sentence it came from (John 8:32): “Then you will
know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” You
need to KNOW the truth to be set free. As Jesus
explained: “I am the way and the truth and the life.
No one comes to the Father except through me”
(John 14:6). I started messing around with this song
on guitar way back in 1988, shortly after I became
a born-again Christian, but I didn’t actually write
these parody lyrics till May 2013. Tom Milnes,
Jimmy, and I performed this song live with my
church’s worship team, including a brass section,
at a concert in September 2014. We released the
studio version as a single the following month. In
addition to Tom, Jimmy, and me, that recording
featured Rusty Pontiere on bass, Bill Hubauer on
keyboards, Mike “Mongo” Bajsec on alto sax, Jeff
Martin on trumpet, and George Dorow on tenor sax.
You can see – what a lovely, lovely world this would be
If everyone were to live forever – uh huh
Seems to me – stuff that Jesus preached can bring you peace
Uh, why can’t you and me learn to trust in the Father?
No, now …
Go the world over, go preach in the streets
People need aware of just what is decreed (what is decreed)
The heavenly plan is so simple to me (it is)
People everywhere, trust God to be free
Ha ha yeah
Ha ha yeah
If there’s a man who is bound up in some filthy sin
God has grace so you can come to him and to pull him through – uh huh
Seems to me that God absolves us unconditionally, uh huh
So go tell ‘em the truth that can set you free
Yes, go …
You can shout unto a mountain, “Go into the sea”
Don’t you ever doubt it – it will actually be
Ask if I’m a sinner – I’m a sinner indeed (uh huh)
That’s our situation but a man can be freed
Get right with the Lord now
All of the freedom that someone could need
Comes to you from One who made the blind man see (made the man see)
Everybody sins but c’mon and don’t weep
Peace is available with God through J.C.
Spoken:
Look! See that man over there?
That’s a man that needs Him
He’s about to expire any minute now
You know it’s in John 8:32
Look out now ‘cause he’s comin’ right over to you
446
Separate Days (to Worship God)
Jewish men worship God how Moses said to do do
Friday nights at sundown they keep the Sabbath rule through and through
Is the Sabbath gone or changed in Christ?
Did Christians get it wrong?
They revised the time – wonder why?
Parody of:
“Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)” by Journey
Jonathan Cain & Steve Perry
Bible References:
Colossians 2:16-17; Romans 14:5-6; Galatians 4:9-11;
Exodus 20:8-11; Deuteronomy 5:12-15; Mark 2:27-28;
Matthew 11:28, 12:8; Luke 6:5; John 20:1, 20:19,26;
Acts 2:46, 20:7; 1 Corinthians 16:2; 2 Corinthians
9:12; Revelation 1:10; Hebrews 4:9-11
J’s Journal:
Should Christians faithfully observe the Sabbath
just the same way Moses commanded the
Israelites? Some folks are still feelin’ that way.
Others believe you can worship anytime – any day
you want it. Romans 14 welcomes both with open
arms. This song discusses reasons for the early
church’s departure from the Sabbath to Sunday.
Todd had been bugging me for years to spoof this
song, but I didn’t come up with a concept until
10/13/15. When I texted him to say I finally had
an idea, he called right way to ask what it was.
I expected Todd to think it was pretty dry stuff,
though I felt it was important. Todd shocked me
and said he and his mom had talked about the same
topic that very morning, because she’d gone to a
seminar put on by some sabbatarians, and it had
really confused her. He didn’t have ready answers
for her, so he was very interested in the song. Two
weeks later in Green Bay WI, I woke up early and
couldn’t sleep, so I kept working on this parody.
That afternoon, as I was setting up our CD table at
the Cup O’ Joy, a worker there started talking with
me. He’d never seen us before and wondered what
groups we spoofed. Finally, he brought up Journey
(I hadn’t mentioned them) and said there was a big
local Journey tribute band that drew huge crowds.
Their name? “Separate Ways.” Two guitarists
played separate ways on this track; Tinch played
rhythm and Wayne played lead. Sunday was their time to
Break bread, pray, and find truth
‘Cause Christ rose then, mind you
So they switched and went on separate days
If Hebrews chapter 4’s searched through
You’ll learn what His church knew
You’ll know, Christ will show you
How we rest in Him as our Sabbath day
Troubled minds
Ought to read Galatians 4 and pray, pray, pray
14:5
Romans says each day can be the same when framed in faith
If you trust God, then it’s enough
2:16 Colossians
Makes clear, my love
Listen up!
Sundays are still fine to
Praise God, preach, and tithe, too
Go to First Corinthians, check this page
Sixteenth chapter, verse 2
Ooh, look – Sunday church group
You, though, might still want proof
Go to Acts verse 20:7, babe
LEAD
Sunday’s a chill time to
Take close friends and find pews
If we have this attitude
11:28 Matthew
You know, Christ’s our Sabbath, too
Christ’s still Lord of all
Even the Sabbath law
And if you check in Matthew
12:8 you’ll find that’s true
Go!
447
Servin’ the Father
Let’s go serve Him now – never wanna turn Him down
Come and serve the Father with me
Parody of:
“Surfin’ Safari” by The Beach Boys
Brian Wilson & Mike Love
Bible References:
1 Peter 4:10; Matthew 21:28-32, 25:14-30;
Ephesians 6:7; Luke 4:8, 19:12-27
J’s Journal:
The Bible tells us, “Each of you should use whatever
gift you have received to serve others, as faithful
stewards of God’s grace in its various forms” (I
Peter 4:10). Of course, when we serve our brothers,
we’re ultimately servin’ the Father. Wouldn’t
it be nice if we all got around to doing that? We
might enjoy it so much that we’d do it again and
again. I first wrote this parody for my church in
June 2014, because they were doing a series the
following month on serving. If I remember correctly,
I got the idea for it in the middle of the night on a
Saturday and couldn’t sleep, because the lyrics kept
coming. Rusty Pontiere played the bass when we
performed it at church, so I asked him to do it for
the ApologetiX recording, too, which we released in
September 2014. Personally, some of my greatest
experiences in church (wherever I attended) through
the years have been when I was serving in some
capacity. As Jesus said, it’s better to give than
to receive! Incidentally, “Surfin’ Safari” was the
opening track on the first album I ever purchased
for myself, Endless Summer by The Beach Boys.
Early in the morning till the stars come out
There’s always somethin’ comin’ along
We’re loaded up with goodies that the Lord put inside
Let’s get ‘em out and bring ‘em to God
Come serve daily – make it your creed, yeah
Or I’m gonna beg you to serve Him with me
Come on along, serve daily – make it your creed, yeah
You want to use your talents you can use ‘em right here
There’s big jobs right under your nose
So go and ask the Father for some guidance this year
And when it comes then get ready to go
There ain’t no way that you can miss the parable
So pick it up and don’t get confused
I tell you servin’ God is wild
He’ll give you big things if you’re faithful
In the tiny things He’s chosen for you
Yeah me (servin’ the Father)
With me (servin’ the Father)
448
Set Him Free
Well, I finally helped you find your troubled
Runaway – he comes to thee
Seeking your forgiveness – set him free
While in the power of darkness
He was granted life abundantly
He returns a Christian – set him free
Parody of:
“Let It Be” by The Beatles
Bible References:
Philemon 1:1-25
J’s Journal:
This one’s sung from the perspective of the Apostle
Paul as he writes a letter to his old friend Philemon
about a returning runaway slave named Onesimus,
who had become a Christian as a result of Paul’s
ministry. Onesimus had previously caused Philemon
so much trouble that he might have been tempted
to get back at him, but the aged apostle urged
Philemon to do something revolutionary and accept
Onesimus back “no longer as a slave, but better
than a slave, as a dear brother.” I originally wrote
a parody of “Let it Be” called “Zebedee” (from the
perspective on the Apostle John, son of Zebedee)
back in 1996, but we’d never attempted to perform
it, let alone record it, till 2014. After Jimmy and
Tom Milnes had finished recording their parts (Tom
did guitars and bass) in early July 2014, I decided
the parody needed a complete overhaul. “Zebedee”
was O.K., but we’d already covered the topic
with “Spread the Way” in 2006. Besides, I felt
the music of “Let it Be” needed a topic that was
more majestic. Then I got the idea for a song about
the epistle to Philemon and how God can deliver
us from both physical and spiritual slavery. My
favorite line is “there will be one Master.” It was
hard to give up the only title we had that started
with the letter “Z,” but it was worth it to have a
song about Philemon. Special thanks to Maddie Bell
for supplying the brief-but-crucial female vocals.
Set him free, set him free (ooooooooh)
Set him free, set him free (ooooooooh)
He’s been workin’ with me – set him free
And when the open-hearted people
Listen when the Word is preached
There will be one Master – set him free
For though your slave departed
There was still a man Christ saved, you see
There will be one Master – set him free
Set him free, set him free, set him free, set him free
Yeah, there will be one Master – set him free
If you’re workin’ with me – set him free
Blissful words, Philemon – set him free
And when my life was rowdy
There was a still a light Christ shined on me
Shined down into my road – set me free
I trained up you and found the useless
Runaway who comes to thee
Seeking your forgiveness – set him free
Set him free, set him free, set him free, yeah, set him free
Yeah, there will be one master – set him free
Yeah, there will be one master – set him free
As you were forgiven – set him free
449
Sheba
Well, I see the Israelites have a wise new king
And my sages love the new boy’s majesty
Hey, and I’ve been been makin’ an investigation
I’m thinkin’ of the good of my nation
Oh, Sheba! Sheba!
Parody of:
“She Bop” by Cyndi Lauper
Cyndi Lauper, Stephen Broughton Lunt, Gary
Corbett & Rick Chertoff
Bible References:
1 Kings 10:1-13, 2 Chronicles 9:1-12
Do I wanna go up there and find out more
Yeah, I come from the south and He’s in the north
Hey, they say that his wisdom’s quite divine
They say I’ll get a shock when I go find
Oh, Sheba! Sheba!
Sheba
Queen of the people
I brought good stuff to take the
Big boss king of Jerus’lem
I’m told he will understand
People, he’s unbeliev’ble
I’m not too much for praise but
Yee haw, he’s absolutely smart!
LEAD
J’s Journal:
Some girls just want to have fundamental truth.
When the Queen of Sheba first heard about
Solomon, she thought, “Yeah, yeah, whatever.”
But after receiving rave reports time after time, she
had a change of heart: “What’s going on? Maybe
he’ll know the answers to my questions.” Traveling
all through the night, she bopped up to Israel and
witnessed his wisdom in person at last, seeing for
herself why he’s so unusual. This is actually our
second song about that inquisitive queen. The first
was “Sheba Woman” on Rare Not Well Done, but
that’s one only diehard fans ever get to hear, thank
goodness (decent lyrics but terrible audio). I wr

songbook

Transcription

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