Ellen Smoak© All Rights Reserved. 1

Transcription

El len Smo ak©
Al l Rights Reser ved. 1
By: Ellen Smoak
[email protected]
www.breakupsareabitch.com
El len Smo ak©
HELP SPREAD THE LOVE!
We’ve all been there... heartbroken, devastated, and hopeless.
Spread the love to other women in your life by sending them to
www.breakupsareabitch.com , where they'll receive a free video training course “How
To Beating A Broken Heart BEFORE It Beats YOU.”
Remember...
“The more love you give away,
the more love you get in return.”
(or something like that)
Limits of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty:
The author and publisher of this eBook and the accompanying materials has used her best
efforts in preparing this program. The author and publisher makes no representation or
warranties with respect to the accuracy, applicability, fitness, or completeness of the contents
of this eBook. She disclaims any warranties (expressed or implied), merchantability, or fitness
for any particular purpose. The author and publisher shall in no event be held liable for any
loss or other damages, including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential, or other
damages. As always, the advice of a competent legal, tax, accounting, or other professional
should be sought. This eBook contains material protected under International and Federal
Copyright Laws and Treaties. Any unauthorized reprint or use of this material is prohibited.
Cover photo by Dapper Images
© Copyright 2012 - Ellen Smoak - All Rights Reserved. Unauthorized duplication or
distribution is strictly prohibited.
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DEDICATIONS
This book is dedicated
to your broken heart...
It needs to break open right now
in order to finally break free.
Trust the process.
(Even though it’s a real bitch.)
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CHAPTERS
Part One: What the F..............................................................................7
Emotions of a Breakup
1.
The 69
2.
The Truth About Getting Over a
3.
The
4.
The Truth About Yours
5.
Breakup
Truth
About You
Bullshit
Bitch Slap + A Kick
6.
Breakup
Truly
Where the Sun Doesn’t Shine
Part Two: Breakup Hell …....................................................................43
Electric Chair
The Looney Bin
The Boiler Room
The Torture Chamber
The Only Way Out
The
7.
8.
9.
10.
11.
Part Three: Breakup Rebirth...............................................................64
Out
12.
Time
13.
Oops! You Did It Again
The Big O
The Bitch Stops Here
There Is Only Love. (And lust. There's lust, too.)
14.
15.
16.
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Falling in love is easy.
Getting over it...
is that even possible?
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Part One:
What The F
So. You’ve been dumped.
Now WTF are you going to do?
W
ho else is asking themselves these questions right now?
What the hell am I going to do now?
Where am I going to go?
How am I ever going to get over this?
What’s going to happen to me?
Am I EVER going to stop crying?
Will I find someone to love me again?
Am I going to be alone... forever?
It’s OK. I asked myself these questions, too. Over and over and over again. Just like you’re
probably doing right now. And since we usually can’t answer these kinds of heavy questions
during such extremely emotional times, we resort to thinking the worst.
We’re burned out. We’re beat up. And we’re way past the point of being able to speak
clearly, let alone answer such horribly scary questions. So instead, we start thinking that we’re
destined for despair. Destined for misery. Destined for doom. Sometimes we just desperately
need someone to tell us what the F to do. And sometimes, a very sassy writer comes along to
do just that.
Hi, I’m Ellen. You can call me whatever name you like (at some point while reading, you
might call me the one used in the title of this book), but for now you can call me your Breakup
Boss. I’m going to tell you exactly what to do to beat your broken heart, and I sincerely hope
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you take my advice. Because this knowledge didn’t come easy, honey.
Nope. This advice came by way of my own gut wrenching, excruciating heart break, and
the embarrassing amount of time that it took me to get over it. Not to mention the massive
amount of money and energy I invested in therapy, plus the gazillion self-help books I
consumed. (And wine. I consumed a ton of wine too.)
This book, thoughtfully titled, Breakups Are a Bitch, But Getting Over Him Doesn’t Have
To Be: A Badass Guide to Beating a Broken Heart, is me giving you a great big virtual hug,
and taking your brokenhearted (yet amazing), self by the hand to show you that your life is
not over.
There are answers. But since you’re having a hard time answering them right now, allow
me:
What the hell am I going to do now?
You’ll figure it out. The Universe is on your side.
Where am I going to go?
Anywhere away from that bastard you call your ex, to start.
How am I ever going to get over this?
By believing in yourself. More on that later.
What’s going to happen to me?
You’ll be brilliant. Beautiful. Outrageous. On fire. Happy. Alive. Ultimately, you will be you
again. Promise.
Am I ever going to stop crying?
Yes. Just keep reading. This book will make you laugh so hard you’ll pee your pants.
Will I find someone to love me again?
Are you kidding? You’ll have to beat new prospects off with a stick.
Am I going to be alone...forever?
Depends on if you decide not to beat them all off with a stick.
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This book will answer all your burning questions about what to do next, how you’re going
to do it, and where to begin. It holds the key to unlocking your happiness again and setting
both your heart and your spirit free.
Breakups Are a Bitch also contains some crazy, sexy advice on life, love, and a beautiful
thing called self-awareness, all of which will keep you both entertained and intrigued long
after you read it. It’s full of laughs and surprises, all on the topic of breaking up. It’s yours to
with do whatever you need to to start the process of beating your broken heart and moving on
from your ex.
Use this book however you want. (Except as a weapon to beat your ex. It’s way too good to
use on that jerk.) Reading it with a pen in hand is suggested, so you can scribble thoughts into
the margins and highlight key phrases that ring extra true to you- especially the ones with
extra sass and extra breakup bossiness. Or, keep a journal handy if you’re reading this on one
of your many nifty electronic devices. (More of nifty electronic devices later in Chapter 12, and
not the kind you read books with.) You’ll need these written reminders when you feel yourself
going soft again and reaching for the phone to call your ex.
So grab a glass of your favorite wine (or a really, really dirty martini), get cozy, and get
ready for some miracles. They do happen, you know. And miracles will happen to you, just as
soon as you start believing in them again.
Let’s do this, girlfriend. Let’s beat this breakup, like it’s beating you down right now. Let’s
grab it, bitch slap it, and kick it really hard where the sun doesn’t shine. Twice. Maybe even
three times if it feels good. Scratch it, kick it, and pull its hair, too.
Your breakup will not win this cat fight. Not if I have any say in the matter. And since
you’ve here, being brave enough to face this bitch, you obviously have enough courage to fight
like hell, too, until it gives up and screams “mercy.”
You’re in control, honey. Your life, in fact, is just beginning again. Your precious,
exhilarating, oh-so-sexy life has just been given the gift of rebirth. The gift of transformation.
The gift of freedom.
Can I get a seriously big “Hell, yeah!” Rock on with your bad self. You may not feel like it
right now, but by the end of this book, you’ll be a rockin’ and a rollin’ again all over town.
Trust me. And trust the process.
Even though it’s a real bitch.
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Chapter 1:
The 69 Emotions of a Breakup
And the emotional roller coaster
that I rode for four and half years.
E
very book starts out with the author divulging a little bit about themselves and how they
came to write the book you hold in your hands. I, too, have just that kind of story.
A story of the breakup that shattered my own little heart into a million little pieces.
Here are all of those emotional pieces. All 69 of them.
I
n The Beginning
Admired. When I received an email titled “Hey Hottie.” Amazed. When it was from a man
whom I hadn’t seen in seven years. Adored. Because he never forgot me or our brief romance
all those years ago.
Bummed. When reality set in, and I remembered he lived 3000 miles away. Giddy. As our
long distance flirtation began regardless. Determined. To see him, regardless of how far away
he was. Happy. When he was just as determined.
Crazy. As I boarded the plane. Nervous. The entire plane ride. Thrilled When we adored
each other in person as much as we had over the phone. Elated. When he said I was “the one”
and then proposed. Enchanted. One week later, on New Year’s Eve, as we wrote vows for our
wedding.
Proud. Of our love story, as I told my friends. Tearful. To say goodbye to those same
friends a few weeks later, as I started to pack.
Capable. While I moved everything I owned across the country to be with him. Fulfilled.
When our homes became one. Special. As we planned our future together. Grateful. To have
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such a bright, loving future with such a bright, loving man.
Wanted. Every time he looked at me and said “I love you.” Sexy. Every time he looked at
me and said “You are so beautiful.” Amazing. Every time he repeated “Will you marry me?”
just to see me light up.
Fabulous. When we went out together hand in hand. Worthy. To be loved so, so much.
Complete. As we started building our life together over the next two years. Included. To
start working with him and his brother in the new family business. Content. Because life was
just as it should be.
T
wo Years Later
Shocked. When he told me he didn’t want to get married anymore. Diminished. When, a few
days later, I realized he was serious.
Delusional. As I tried to talk him back into marriage for months and months and months.
Mental. As I cried and cried and cried, even having a panic attack one night, too.
Outraged. As I thought about everything I’d given up to be with him and become his wife.
Furious. At him for breaking such an enormous promise to me. Hopeless. Because I gave up
my past to only loose my future in return.
Pathetic. When I begged him to still marry me. Embarrassed. When I had to tell my
friends and family that “the one” didn’t want me anymore. Numb. As I packed my things and
started to leave.
O
ne Day After That
Renewed. When, as I was leaving, he asked me to marry him again. Compassionate. While he
told me he’d been scared, and he agreed to go talk to a counselor together. Resentful. As I
moved out anyhow.
Envious. The entire time I lived in a happily married couple’s garage apartment. Mad.
Each time I met him for counseling in an attempt to “work things out.”
Skeptical. To move back in together a few months later. Hopeful. Every time he said he
still wanted to marry me. Ignored. When he never acted like it.
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Unwanted. Each time he made plans without me to do things that we once did together.
Forgotten. When his schedule was always full with things other than spending time with me.
Outraged. When he wouldn’t “forgive me” for moving out. Discarded. When he said he
would never get over it and that I should move out.
I
n The End
Depressed. As I started packing (again). Lost. Because I had no where to go except back home,
which was two states away. Surprised. When he cried (again) and said he still wanted to be
with me forever.
Confused. As I drove away anyhow, towards the state I grew up in. Uprooted. When I
arrived. Miserable. When I woke up without him every day.
Revived. Each time he called to say he made a mistake and still wanted to marry me.
Missed. As he continued to call and to love me again. Rescued. When he planned several trips
to see me.
Disappointed. Every time he didn’t show up, sometimes not even calling with an
explanation. Enlightened. When a little voice in my head reminded me that I deserved more.
Much more. Foolish. To think someone would change.
Torn. Because my heart did not want to agree. Patient. As he admitted his fears about
getting married again and vowed to worked on them to stay together. Disillusioned. Because I
actually believed him over and over and over again. Destroyed. When one day he loved me,
and the next he would just “disappear.” Stupid. To keep falling for it.
Abused. As I fell for it over a dozen times. Mortified. To have been demoted from Dream
Girl... to Doormat. Alone. As reality began to set in. Empty. When it finally did. Dead. When,
one day, the phone just never rang again.
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Chapter 3:
The Truth About Getting Over A Breakup
Other than the fact that you’re closer to
getting over it now that you’ve found this book.
R
emember: You’re one in a billion, baby. You’re super special and super powerful and
super duper strong, too.
But you also have a super duper task ahead of you. A task that will require all the courage,
will power and patience inside that super strong spirit of yours. The task? Beating your broken
heart before it beats you. And even though this may feel absolutely impossible right now, I’m
here to assure that it is. It is possible. You will heal. You absolutely without question will beat
your broken heart, because it absolutely will not beat you.
That, girlfriend, is a promise. The emotional roller coaster that I rode for four and half
years did finally stop one day. And although I felt “dead” when I got off it, I wasn’t. I was alive,
and it wasn’t too much longer after that that I was well too. This is what’s going to happen for
you. Soon, you’ll not only be alive, but you’ll feel alive, too.
But before we go on, I have a quick question. What does beating your broken heart mean
to you?
Smiling again?
Being able to laugh and have a good time again?
Being free from loneliness?
Feeling emotionally secure?
Feeling good about yourself again?
Actually looking forward to something again? Anything?
Feeling sexy and attractive again?
Being able to wake up without crying?
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Avoiding the pain in your gut every time you hear your ex’s name?
Not wanting to hurl when you see him with a new girl?
Being happy around the people who are still in your life?
Well whatever it is, you aren’t feeling that way right now. Sorry to be so blunt, but it's true.
You aren’t smiling. You aren’t laughing. You aren’t having a good time. You are in pain. You
are lonely. You aren’t emotionally secure. You aren’t looking forward to anything. You don’t
feel sexy or attractive. You do wake up crying every morning. You do feel a knife in the pit of
your stomach every time you hear your ex’s name. What’s worse is that you not only want to
hurl when you see him with that stupid bitch, but sometimes you actually do.
So, where do we start? You've obviously found this book for a reason. You need to beat
your broken heart, get over that bastard, and make this the best thing that’s ever happened
to you. So, I'm here to tell you to get off your ass and make that happen.
Now, before you go getting all hot and bothered at what I am saying, and start emailing me
things like “You don't know me! I'm not a loser!” or “Who the hell do you think you are telling
me that I’m some sort of pathetic, crazy bitch!” let me be the first one to tell you this: Your not
being over your ex is not your fault! Got it? Not your fault. Now, calm down and hear me out.
Why is it not your fault? Because you've been fed a bunch of BS about what you should be
doing to get over your ex. You've been reading websites on the Internet, listening to
relationship gurus, and talking to your friends. You’ve been told canned breakup advice, like
“time heals all wounds” and “you should be grateful- it’s better to have loved and lost than to
have never loved at all.”
Well, that canned breakup advice is just crap. Yes, there’s some truth in it. Time obviously
heals a cut on your hand. Love is definitely something to be grateful for. But this kind of
mushy, canned breakup advice isn’t going to do a damn thing to help you get over your ex.
Why? Because there’s nothing soft and mushy about a broken heart. Your heart has been
stabbed with a dirty knife, sent through a cheese grater, and trampled on by a herd of wild
buffalo. You need the kind of breakup advice that’s as tough as you want to feel again- advice
that’s so strong it will cement your broken heart back together.
You’ve already wasted enough time and energy on that bastard you now call your ex, so
don’t waste anymore of your precious time on advice that just plain doesn’t work. Search no
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more for your heartbreak relief. It's all right here in this book.
I don't know about you, but I would have much rather spent all the time I wasted trying to
get over my ex the hard way on something much more fun and productive, like flirting with
new, handsome prospects or shaking what my mama gave me out on the dance floor.
But that's just me. (Now I'm the one getting hot and bothered.) Where was I? Oh,
heartbreak relief.
Want to start a fire under your ass to get over your ex already? Go add up all of the days,
months, and years you’ve wasted trying to make him “the one.” Then, think about that big,
juicy dream you have, like creating your own clothing line or backpacking through Europe.
Now, think about how much closer (if not already there), you’d be to that dream if you
hadn’t wasted so much time pining after what once (or never), was.
Once you have that big juicy dream in mind, keep it there. You’ll need it as a motivational
reminder when you start thinking about the good times or hearing songs on the radio that
remind you of your ex.
But for now, keep reading, because I'm about to start telling you what I was doing wrong to
beat my own broken heart. I guarantee you’re doing at least some of the same things. Once I
started to figure out what does and doesn’t work, I quickly (and I mean quickly!) started
turning my hopeless heart around.
Do I need to again remind you that you’re one in a billion? You’re super special and super
powerful and super duper strong, too.
S
o here's the billion
dollar question
Do you want to keep wasting time feeling sorry for yourself, or do you want to start living your
big, beautiful life again soon? If you’d like to keep blowing off your life, missing out on your
dreams, and crying your eyes out every damn day and night, be my guest. Hopefully you have
no one else to take care of but yourself. In either case, good luck. Because you’re not doing a
very good job of it right now, sister.
But if you’d like to leave heartbreak hell and head on over to the good life again, then
follow me.
You were meant for greatness.
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Got it? Good. Because I’m not taking it back. Ever. Instead, I'm going to share with you the
breakup advice that doesn’t suck. First, I’ll elaborate on all the crap advice you’re getting
elsewhere, why it sucks, and why it just plain doesn’t work to get over your ex. Second, I’ll give
you some badass breakup advice and the steps you must take if you want beat your broken
heart before it beats you.
You didn’t buy this book because it said, “A shitty collection of advice that might work to
make you feel a tiny bit better.” No. You bought this book because it says “A badass guide to
beating a broken heart.” So, that’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to beat your broken
heart like it’s beating you down right now. We can’t do that by listening to all that other bad
breakup advice out there. Trust me, I’ve tried it all.
Third, I’ll tell you all about the stages of Breakup Hell you’re currently going through. (Or
are headed towards. Sorry.) It’s pretty damn scary down there in Breakup Hell, so I don’t want
you to go down there alone. You’ll need me with you to make sure you find your way back out.
Maybe you’re well past the stages of Breakup Hell, in which case, be glad! Because Breakup
Hell sucks, too.
Lastly, I’ll give you some good ol’ fashion (tough) love, during your Breakup Rebirth. It’s
like rehab for your heart. Yes, rehab. Love’s addictive, girl. Sometimes on the first hit. But
unlike rehab, Breakup Rebirth does so much more than just nix the addiction you currently
have to your ex. It also renews, refreshes, and revitalizes your heart and soul from the inside
out. After your Breakup Rebirth, you’ll be more brilliant, more radiant, and more alive than
ever before.
Consider me your breakup midwife- bossy, yet full of life-altering possibility. Basically,
Breakup Rebirth will breakdown your breakup, and turn your breakdown into a beautiful
breakup instead. Pretty badass, right?
Speaking of possibility- tell yourself right now that you believe it’s possible to beat your
broken heart. Say to yourself, “I believe that I will heal. I believe that I will have a breakup
rebirth, and that I will become more brilliant than ever before.”
Believing that you will heal is essential to your healing and getting over your ex. It might
be hard to believe what you’re telling yourself right now, but give it time. Commit those words
to your memory.
They will give you the strength and the courage to get through this bitch of a breakup.
El len Smo ak©
Chapter 4:
The Truth About You
Besides the fact that you’re hot to trot
and you need to be reminded of that.
B
efore we go any further, let's talk about you for a minute. You’re broken hearted, you’re
absolutely miserable, and you’re still stuffing your face with Bon Bons. That little black dress
that’s buried in your closet is starting to grow moss. Your plants are dying, you haven’t shaved
your legs in over a week, and the pizza delivery guy knows the entire story of your breakup.
Am I right? Look, no matter how long ago or painfully recent you were dumped, the truth
is, you still needs to truly heal. You still needs to truly heal from the inside out, so that you can
also radiate from the inside out, too.
The fact is, we’ve all been broken hearted numerous times throughout our lives. Maybe
your dad left when you were young. Maybe your high school sweetheart up and left you for the
head cheerleader. Or worse, maybe your ex-husband up and left you for the head cheerleader
at your ten year reunion.
Yikes. I sincerely hope not.
But chances are, if you’re reading this book, your heart has been broken not once, not
twice, but multiple times throughout your life. And the truth is, you need to finally heal for
real. Not just heal “enough,” or “pretty good,” or “sort of.” Not just good enough for you to
crack a smile again and pretend to be happy.
No. Your heart needs to heal so much that you not only crack a smile, but crack your wine
glass with the glow from your pearly whites. Your heart needs to heal so much, that you no
longer pretend that everything is ok, but become so ok that people around you start to wonder
what your secret to happiness is.
Your heart needs to heal once and for all for all the pain and suffering it has endured. This
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book was written to help you do just that.
So, your struggle with your broken heart ends here. Let the breakup bossing begin.
T
he Credo for
Beating A Broken Heart
1. You’ll Be OK.
2. The Universe is On Your Side.
3. Keep the Faith.
4. Trust the Process.
5. Breath. (Repeat.)
6. Stay Strong.
7. You Deserve Only Love.
8. You’re Worth It.
9. You’re Beautiful.
10.
And You’ll Be Brilliant Without Him.
Here are the same credos, written a little differently for you to memorize. If you want to
beat this breakup before it beats you, then you absolutely must memorize them. You also must
start believing in them, too. And in order to start believing them, you absolutely must start
repeating them to yourself, as well. Out loud. Got it?
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
I’ll be OK.
The universe is on my side.
Keep the faith.
Trust the process.
Breath. (Actually take a deep breath and repeat.)
Stay strong.
I deserve only love.
I’m worth it.
I’m beautiful.
And I’ll be brilliant without him.
Ok, ok. I know what you’re thinking.
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“But Ellen, you already have me repeating some weird phrase about believing I will heal
and be happy again. Only crazy people talk to themselves this much. I thought you wanted me
to stop being a basket case, not become one!”
This is true. But brilliant people actually talk to themselves, too. By repeating things to
yourself, whether out loud of in your head, you’re reprogramming your thoughts. And by
reprogramming your thoughts, you’re changing your outlook on your current situation.
Think of your mind like a computer and your thoughts like it’s software. So depending on
your age, you have many years that thoughts have been being programmed into your mind.
They’re then stored away in your mind’s “hard drive.” When this happens, these thoughts
become a part of you. They become what you believe in, both of yourself and of the outer
world.
Many times, the thoughts that have been programmed into your mind came from other
people. Like your ninth grade teacher who said you were “smart.” Or on the flip side, a tenth
grade teacher who called you a “smart ass.” Either way, you probably believed what they said
to you, thus programming your mind to grow up as either a smart cookie or a smart ass
troublemaker.
To add even more layers to this ever-evolving thought process, the mind also forms
thoughts around what experiences you’ve had throughout your entire life, too. For example, if
your boyfriend actually did run off with the head cheerleader, you might have told yourself
that all men cheat. Or that all men will eventually cheat on you.
You may not even be completely aware that you’re thinking these kinds of thoughts. You
could have started believing some of them so long ago that they’ve become second nature.
These thoughts could be stored so deep in your mind’s hard drive (your subconscious), that
you have no idea they’re even in there.
We’ll get into this in more depth later in Section Three: Breakup Rebirth. For now, back to
The Credo For Beating a Broken Heart. Memorize it, embrace it, repeat it, and become it.
Consider the credos a makeover for your mind, a jolt of joy for your heart, and place of
salvation for your soul.
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H
ow To Expect Miracles
These credos were part of my salvation during the throws of my own breakup. I posted
them on the wall adjacent to my bed. When I woke up (crying), I said them out loud. A few
short days later, I stopped crying. I no longer felt like a pile of worthless bones cemented into
my bed. I stopped going straight back to sleep in the morning to try to end my “nightmare.” I
actually started to want get out of bed in the morning, instead of lie around feeling sorry for
myself all day.
All of these “miracles” occurred within a few short days of my using the credos. And I did
promise you miracles in the first chapter of this book, remember? I can’t promise you miracles
without you using the credos. Print them, post them, memorize them, recite them, and repeat
them.
Again, The Credo For Beating A Broken Heart will not work on its own. The power of the
credo and its ability to beat your broken heart, resides in your commit to reciting and
repeating them frequently.
Think for a moment about when you feel your absolute worst after a breakup. Is it first
thing in the morning? Is it when a song comes on the radio that reminds you of your ex? Is it
when you see a car that looks like your ex’s? Is it when you see a car that is your ex’s and
there’s a new girl in the passenger seat? (Who isn’t nearly as cool as you, by the way.)
Whenever you feel your worst about your breakup, recite the credo. Whenever you start to
feel sad about loosing your ex, recite the credo. Whenever you start to think about what you
did or didn’t do right and wrong in your relationship, recite the credo. And whenever you start
to cry about that bastard you now call your ex, recite the credo.
Basically, recite The Credo For Beating A Broken Heart at the very moment that you start
to think about your ex, feel sorry for yourself, regret your mistakes, miss the past, or worry
about the future. If you’re having a bad day, recite the credo. If you’re having a bad moment,
recite the credo. If you’re having any bad feeling at all, recite the credo.
Be a badass, and use the credo. You might think you’re talking to yourself like a crazy
person, but you’re actually keeping yourself from turning into one.
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Chapter 5:
The Truth About Yours Truly
Besides the fact that a friend calls me Marmalade.
Sometimes Marmalicious. Strange, I know. But sassy, so I like it!
O
k, ok. By now, you might be asking yourself, “Who is this sassy woman, and why does she
give a rats behind that I stop eating Bon Bons?”
Well, I've lived in eight cities in five states in the past 12 years, and I wasn’t a stranger to
men in any of them. I was, in fact, a serial dater and a serial monogamist. (Although not at the
same time. That would be weird.)
Speaking of weird, let me tell you about another ex-boyfriend who dumped me about eight
years ago. Well, he didn’t exactly dump me, I just walked in on him in bed with a twenty-one
year old.
Actually, they weren’t still groping each other in the bedroom right when I walked in. He
was running to the door naked in hopes to stop me from coming in, as his ballsy bedmate ran
to hide in the walk-in closet. By the time I found her, she was pulling up her skirt with one
arm and covering her bare chest with the other.
I walked gingerly up to her and said (in my most condescending voice of course), “Oh,
sweetheart. You have absolutely no idea what an unfortunate situation you’ve gotten yourself
into.”
Then, I simply walked out. I was in too much shock to do too much else.
The truth was, though, I was the unfortunate one who’d been in an unhealthy situation for
the better part of that previous year. I was the one who dealt with the borderline narcissistic
sociopath, who gave me every reason under the sun to think he’d ultimately cheat.
But no matter what the signs, no matter what the drama, and no matter how old the girl in
the walk-in closet was, I didn’t see the heartbreak coming. I was in love. Crazy in love.
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And also crazy in heartbreak when it was over. All I could do was pace around my one
bedroom apartment smoking cigarettes and incessantly calling everyone I knew. I didn’t eat
for almost two weeks- not because I didn’t try, but because the very thought of food made me
feel sick. (As did my ex.)
At one point I got so skinny that even my skinny jeans were too big. Way too big. My
girlfriend, who lived upstairs, came to check on me constantly to make sure I hadn’t withered
away. I was skin and bones. I was also completely and utterly pathetic.
Let me take this opportunity to remind you that, although loosing a few pounds here and
there can be a good thing, overcoming a breakup the right way (a.k.a. By not starving yourself
in the process), is much easier to overcome than a severe eating disorder. So please eat. Even
if your friends have to stuff pizza down your throat like my friends did.
In my down time (basically the breaks that I took from smoking), I spend my time very
wisely by logging into my ex’s email account to see if he was still dating “walk-in closet girl.”
Turns out he wasn’t. Even more surprisingly, he had been spending his time productively
answering want ads online.
“Good,” you might be thinking.
Well, it would have been good if the want ads weren’t for things like, “Who wants to do me
while my husband is out of town,” and “It’s four a.m., I’m drunk, and I’m ready to f**k.”
Yes, these types of advertisements do exist. And no, I had no idea either until I found these
emails. Gross, I know.
So my heartache continued, only now it was exasperated by severe nausea as well. I tried
everything to get over it- rebounds, flings and wild trips to Vegas. I changed my “do,” changed
my friends, and even changed neighborhoods.
I even got into another serious relationship within about a year, yet nothing really ever
worked. None of these temporary fixes did a damn thing to beat my broken heart. Instead, I
ended up taking a painstakingly long period of time to get over my ex.
When I look back on that breakup, I see that I did everything that you aren’t supposed to
do to get over being dumped. I did everything so wrong and so painfully, that I knew exactly
what not to do this last time. When my ex-fiance dumped me, I knew better than to turn into a
crazy lunatic like I did after walk-in closet girl. I knew better than the repeat the same
psychotic ex-girlfriend behaviors that only resulted in prolonging my pain and creating a more
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nauseating situation for me to endure.
When my ex-fiance dumped me, I knew that I needed to get over him the right way, and
spare myself the misery of being beaten down a broken heart. I knew that the rest of my life
depended on me getting over it. And so does yours. The rest of your big, beautiful life depends
on you getting over your ex.
T
he Rest Of Your Big
Beautiful Life
You’ve been somewhat aquatinted with my ex-fiance already in Chapter One: The 69
Emotions of Breakup (And the emotional roller coaster I rode for four and a half years).
Hopefully you’ve read that Chapter by now. If you haven’t, what are you waiting for? You
bought this book for a reason. You aren’t going to beat your broken heart by skimming the
breakup book. You. Go read it. Now.
Or, reread it and think about how all those emotions might also apply to your breakup, too.
Write down your own story of emotions from your breakup. This exercise is quite cathartic,
actually.
There’s some serious emotional drama going on in that chapter, as there was in our
relationship. I don’t think there are even that many ups and downs at an actual amusement
park. Amusement parks, at least, have some amusement at them to offset all the ups and
downs. That’s more than I can say about the relationship with my ex.
There’s nothing amusing about loosing the person you think you’re going to spend the rest
of your life with. If this has happened to you, I’m truly sorry. To me, it felt like I’d not only lost
my entire sense of self, but like I’d also lost every limb on my body.
I had a serious case of “phantom love.” It was as if someone had surgically removed myself
from, well, myself.
Phantom love is one of the scariest feelings in the world. It leaves you feeling as though
you’ve lost everything- your body, your mind, and your spirit. Phantom love is a constant
reminder of the love you’ve lost, the partner who’s gone, and the future you’ll never get to see.
But the truth of the matter is, the future you’re meant to see is going to be much more
brilliant than the one you thought you were going to have with your ex. Remember the credo:
You’ll be ok. The Universe is on your side. Keep the faith. Trust the process. Breathe. Stay
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Strong. You deserve only love. You’re worth it. You’re beautiful. And you’ll be brilliant
without him.
So, now will you listen to your sassy breakup boss? Now that you’ve heard her horribly
embarrassing breakup tale(s)? Now that you know she’s knows first hand that breakups really
are a bitch?
I’ve opened my closet and revealed all the ugly skeletons. (One of those skeletons belongs
to walk-in closet girl, actually.) I’ve been where you are, or somewhere similar, several times.
I’ve survived each breakup, and I’ve lived the tell the tell.
I’ve also lived to share the tale. With you. I’ve learned what not to do to get over being
dumped. And I’m going to share it all with you in this book.
I wrote this book in the first thirty days after my ex-fiance dumped me. Heartbreak really
can be the best thing that ever happens to you- just like the subtitle of this book promised. So
now it’s your turn to turn. Now it’s your turn to take your story of heartbreak and turn it into
the best thing that’s ever happened to you, too.
B
reaking The Rules
You’ve actually already lived to tell the tale of your breakup, you know. It’s all you’ve been
talking about it to everyone with ears who’ll listen. Am I right?
It’s time for you to stop talking the tale to death. It’s time, instead, to get you happy again,
so that you can start moving mountains and doing all that other amazing stuff you’re meant to
be doing on this badass planet. Because damn it feels good to be you.
What you’re about to read are your first step towards your new life. I know it feels like
you've taken a ton of steps so far, but they weren't necessarily the right steps. So, here's your
permission slip to start getting over your ex the right way this time.
One more thing before we dive in: I need to be really, really honest with you. You may not
like what you’re about to hear, but trust me. It’s necessary.
I like to break the rules. Therefore, you are about to break the rules, too.
By now, you've probably read a lot (if not everything), online about how to get over your
ex, heal your broken heart, and move on with your life.
If so, good for you. “A” for effort. You’re trying. That's what counts! Now it's time to try
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something different that actually works to get over your ex, so that you can put a smile on that
pretty face of yours again.
Do you think men get over women by following the rules?
Um, no.
Do you think your ex is going to get over you by following the rules?
Um, hell no.
So we’re about to break the rules, baby. Brace yourself.
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Chapter 6:
Breakup Bullshit
The bad breakup rules that suck.
Always have, always will.
1.
“Don’t rebound”
S
crew this. Just don’t screw the rebound. Nuf’ said. Unless, of course, you like the idea of
waking up in a strange man’s bed while fighting back tears of regret, desperation and
foolishness. Or worse, actually wailing in the arms of said strange man, while he fights back
the urge to kick you the hell out the door. Pronto. If you like this idea, be my guest. I’m going
to venture a guess that you don’t, however, like this crazy idea. So, don’t do it.
Don’t have sex with your rebound until you know for sure that you are not, in fact, in a
replacement relationship. A replacement relationship is much different than a rebound
relationship. There’s a big difference between the two.
Too often after a breakup, we try to replace our ex. We try to replace our feelings of
rejection with feeling of being wanted again. Let’s be honest- being dumped is possibly the
most rejecting feeling in the entire world. We were once the center of our ex’s world, and now
you’re not. We were once only person he could see in his future, and now we’re not. We’ve
been rejected, and now our self-esteem and self-worth is in the toilet.
So what do many of us women do? We try to replace our ex (and rebuild our self-esteem),
with the first man who gives us attention. We latch onto them and their words of affection so
tightly, that we forget to take the time to rebuild our self-esteem on our own. This is a slippery
slope, and one that will more than likely lead you to taking a terrible fall. You just took one
terrible fall. Don’t start walking the plank towards another one.
To rebound, however, literally mean “to spring or bounce back after colliding with
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something.” (And I’m pretty sure that being dumped felt like you had just collided with a Mac
Truck.) You most certainly collided with your ex’s heart, and you need to bounce back.
You need to bounce back, in order to regain your balance after your breakup collision. You
need to regain your balance, put all the pieces of your life back together, and move forward.
Rebounding is highly encouraged. You’re still alive, you know. And men (lot’s of men), still
find you breathtakingly beautiful.
But if you rebound too early and try to replace your ex, you will only be moving backwards.
And if your self-esteem and self-worth increases or decreases based on the attention that you
get from a man, you’re only setting yourself up to get hurt again. Which is why, before you
head into another relationship, you need to evaluate your motivations and intentions first.
Make sure you aren't just looking for someone to replace the love and attention that you
received from you ex. If you are, don't do it. Take a little more time to evaluate yourself and
your self-esteem before jumping into someone else's arms (or into their bed). You’ve been
rejected once recently. Don’t be rejected twice because you show up to a new relationship
carrying the baggage of your bruised self-esteem.
But, if you can honestly tell yourself that you're self-esteem is in tact, then go for it. Find a
new man (someone with different qualities than your ex would be optimal), and have a
rebound relationship.
You are not dead. That’s what a bumper sticker says, at least.
If you decide not to have any relationships with men at all right now, at least go out and
pay for a fling. No, not that kind of paid fling. What I’m suggesting is that you find a
handsome photographer and schedule a solo photo shoot. Not only is it extremely erotic, but
it will remind you that you’ve still got it going on. Cause you do.
2.
“Wait 90 days to have any contact with your ex”
You know, I really hate this one for two reasons. First, every situation is totally different. You
may have kids, in which case, not having any contact with your ex is impossible. If you have
kids, own a business together, or you’re dealing with any other situation in which you
absolutely must keep talking to your ex, then make sure that your conversation are it about
the task at hand and nothing else. Your kids don’t need to see you fighting with your ex, nor
do they need to see you crying your eyes out when you’re on the phone with daddy. Trust me
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on this. I might not have kids, but I certainly heard my parents fighting way too much when I
was little. And that, girl, takes years of therapy to get over. So if you’re fighting with your ex in
front of your kids, then stop. Yesterday.
Second, this bad breakup advice only leads to thinking about your ex for the next 90 days,
which is not what you should be thinking about at all. Instead of waking up and thinking,
“Wow, I have so much time today to do things that I love to do that I couldn’t do with my ex,”
you wake up and think, “Ugh. It’s been 18 days since I last spoke to (insert bastard’s name),
and I have 72 more miserable days before I can talk to him again.”
Following this bad breakup rule will just prolonging your misery and keep you thinking
about your ex long after he’s gone. And besides, why would you even want contact him after
90 days? When you make it that far, why the hell wouldn’t you just keep struttin’ your stuff
even further away? Sorry, but that’s what your ex is going to do.
This is breakup rehab, baby. Drug addicts at Narcotics Anonymous aren’t advised to “give
up crack for at least 90 days, but then call your ex-drug dealer to catch up.” Of course not.
They’re told to give it up for good. So, you should too.
If you’re meant to be friends with your ex in the future, it will happen when the time is
right. But until both of you have completely healed and moved on from one another, being
friends is impossible. If one of you hasn’t completely moved on, then that person will only get
hurt as they watch the other person move on without them.
And since you’re the one holding this breakup book in your hands, I’m going to assume that
the person who’d be hurt in this situation would be you. So cut the ties with your ex, move on,
and trust the process. (Credo #4.)
3.
“Don’t drunk dial”
Hey, I’m a fan of the drunk dial, actually. Call up your ex when you’re really, really drunk, and
tell him what you really think. Tell him he was right- he does have a beer gut. Tell him his
chest hair is hideous. Tell him you were lying every time you said he was good in bed.
Ok, ok. I’m kidding. Don’t do any of this. Instead, just don’t drunk dial him. Replace his
number with the number of a girlfriend who agrees to have you call her instead of calling your
ex. Then, call her up and say all of the nasty things that you wish you could say to your ex.
Scream, yell, cry, and bitch. Then, hang up on her.
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The next day, call your (extremely patient and kind), girlfriend. Thank her profusely for
letting you be a psycho ex-girlfriend the night before.
In all seriousness, though, you shouldn’t even be getting drunk to begin with, regardless of
your breakup. Nothing good ever happens after a few too many drinks, especially when your
heart is broken. Drunk dialing your ex is only going to make you look like an idiot. (Or worse,
getting drunk could impair your judgement so much that you actually go home with an idiot.)
You need your strength right now to keep beating this bitch of a breakup, and getting drunk
will only drown away that strength. So stay sober, sister. And stay strong, too. (Credo #6.)
4.
“Keep a journal”
Clearly, I’m a writer. So this breakup rule doesn’t suck for me.
But for you? Well, it very well could suck. Maybe you hate to write. Maybe you think
journaling is for middle schoolers. If you don’t want to keep a breakup journal to write down
all the thoughts in your head, don’t do it.
You’re already doing something right now that you absolutely hate (eh, hem-breaking up),
so you shouldn’t have to do something else you hate, too. Besides, this is not the time to make
demands on yourself. Go easy.
While you should be releasing negative thoughts and emotions about your ex, journaling
isn’t always the best way to do this. We’ll discuss this topic in much more depth later in Part
3: Breakup Rebirth. For now, just break this breakup rule if it doesn’t feel really, really good to
write.
5.
“Stay busy”
This is quite possible my least favorite piece of breakup advice. I can’t even count how many
times people have said to me, “Just keep yourself busy. Eventually you’ll feel better.” Or, “Just
bury yourself into your work. Eventually, you’ll forget all about him.”
Well, that just isn’t what will happen. Eventually, you won’t just feel better. Eventually, you
won’t just forget all about your ex. Instead, you’ll just avoid the pain from your breakup and
have to deal with it later. Keeping yourself busy in order to avoid feeling the pain of your
broken heart will only bypass your healing process and make it even harder to deal with in the
future.
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The pain won’t go away on it’s on. Instead, it will just hide. When it rears it’s ugly head
again, it will scare the living day lights out of you. (And quite possibly the next handsome
hunk that you get your hands on, too.)
So, what should you do instead? You should listen to badass breakup advice that doesn’t
suck.
T
1.
he Badass Breakup Rules
That Don’t Suck
Stay in bed
Your body needs to heal right now. Think of your broken heart like an operation, which
probably isn’t too far fetched considering heartbreak feels like you’ve just had open heart
surgery. In order to regain your strength after an operation, you need to stay in bed. You need
to rest. You also need to eat more.
It’s not advised to workout too soon after an operation, either, as you need to conserve your
energy to heal your wounded body. As important as working out is for your health and wellbeing, don’t push yourself too soon after your breakup to get back to the gym.
It’s also not advised to go out and party too soon after an operation. So if you don’t feel like
going somewhere that your girlfriends think will be “good for you right now,” don’t go. This
isn’t their breakup, and it’s certainly not their energy that will heal you right now.
Your body is physically using much more energy right now than it normally does in order
to heal an emotional wound. This is the reason you’re so tired all the time. And this is ok, too.
Don’t push yourself, and be conservative with your energy. Be careful not to run yourself into
the ground. It would suck even more to be heartbroken and have mono.
2.
Cry
Get those toxic tears out, girlfriend! Flush out your system, cleanse your beautiful soul, and
get rid of all that negative energy you’re still harnessing about your ex.
Are you a person who doesn’t cry very easily? If so, do some things that will open the flood
gates and have you crying like a baby in no time. Try pulling out some cute photos of the two
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of you, or listening to songs that bring back bittersweet memories. Don’t avoid your tears for
the same reason that you shouldn’t keep yourself busy all the time to avoid thinking about
your ex- all you’ll end up doing to burying your pain and having to deal with it ten fold later.
So, cry until your sobbing and wailing into a pillow. (Maybe even the pillow that still smells
like your ex.) Don’t hold back your tears, because they are on a time a limit. Preferable 72
hours.
Why? Because when I was dumped, a friend of mine gave me 72 hours to pout. So I took
her up on it, and I took it too heart, too. I let myself feel completely sorry for myself for 72
hours. I did nothing but cry, bitch, moan, and even wail a few times, too.
After the 72 hours were up, I made myself stop crying. Sure, I still had to fight back tears
and would wake up crying every once in a while. But for the most part, I was done.
So get out the tears, sister. Cry, bitch, moan, and wail. Let your friends and family know
that you’ve given yourself permission to feel completely and utterly sorry for yourself for 72
hours, and that you promise to end the crying, bitching, moaning, and wailing when those 72
hours are up. Ask them to help you stick to your promise, and thank them before hand for
putting up with you. Your friends and family may not have just been dumped, but they most
certainly have to deal with it by listening to you.
After your 72 hours are up, stop crying. Stop crying as though the rest of your life depends
on it. (It does, actually.) And if you start crying again, say to yourself, “I’ve already done this,
and I’m not going to do it again.”
Eventually, your tears will dry up for good. But until they do, keep reminding yourself that
you’ve time limit is up. Stay strong. (Credo #6). I don’t know about you, but I prefer my
mascara on my lashes, not running down my face.
3.
Put the phone down
Once your extremely kind (and patient), girlfriend lets you call her up and yell at her like she’s
your ex, put down the damn phone. Your ex isn’t hiding inside of it, nor is he going to jump
out of it with a dozen red roses, either. Take the phone out of your hand, and stop using it.
This includes calling your friends. Remember to respect their boundaries and their
friendships, and not call them every five minutes to update them on your latest scenario of
why you think you were dumped.
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Trust me on this one. At one point during my breakup, my best friend of 15 years actually
said, “I don’t ever want to hear his name again. And if I do, I hope that it doesn’t come in the
way of our friendship.”
Remember- your friends are the ones who are still in your life, not your ex. You need them
now more than ever. Take caution to treat them with respect, so that they don’t end up
dumping you, too. Loosing your friends will have a far worse effect on the rest of your life than
loosing your ex ever will.
4.
Embrace silence
More than likely, embracing silence doesn’t come easy to you. And why should it? There are a
million social networks and interconnected wireless devices in the world that it can seem like
silence is completely obsolete. Silence isn’t even golden anymore inside a movie theater like it
used to be. There’s even an iphone app that’s meant to be used while a movie is playing, which
tells you the best times to take a potty break.
Not only is silence hard to come by, but you may also be used to filling your time with
everything but staying still. Maybe you fill you schedule to the brim with happy hours and
social functions. Maybe you work out every second you have free. Or maybe you run as many
errands as physically possible, because being at home by yourself drives you bananas.
If you’re a person who’s always on the go (like me), then embracing silence and staying still
just might be the two scariest ideas on the planet. If so, then silence and stillness are a must.
You’ve just spent the majority of your life “doing” and “going” and living on “on.” Now’s your
time to stop. Now’s your time to reset. Now’s your time to regroup and recharge. And no
matter how much you may be sleeping more or not working out as much, you can’t reset,
regroup, and recharge by always being on “on.”
This constant state of on-ness is all around us. Especially in today’s world of cell phones,
laptops and the constantly on world-wide-web. The on-ness continues in our minds as well.
We’re always doing something, saying something, or trying to become something.
This on-ness causes chaos, imbalance, and confusion- both internally and externally. The
effects of chaos, imbalance, and confusion is only more chaos, imbalance, and confusion. The
causes and the effects are exactly the same.
And the result? Only more of the same. More chaos, more imbalance, and more confusion.
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These emotions create never-ending unhealthy cycles that start to take up residence in our
bodies, our minds, and our spirits. Unless, of course, we choose to end the cycle.
The world doesn’t give us a break from on-ness. It never will. So, it’s up to us to break from
the on-ness instead. It’s up to us to break free from the chaos, the imbalance, and the
confusion, and to stop the unhealthy cycles that negatively affect both our internal and
external well-being.
Constantly being on “on” is unnatural. We need to balance being “on” with being “off”
sometimes, too. Everything in nature goes through some sort of cycle that can be related to
being on and off. Water rises and falls. Blossoms open and close. The ocean swells and
recedes. Mother Nature knows how to recharge herself, and she doesn’t let anything (or any
ex-boyfriend), come in her way.
So, why would you? Why would you let anything or anyone stand in your way of your own
well-being? You need to recharge your body. You need to rebalance your mind. You need to
renew your spirit. Being still and embracing silence is the best way for you to achieve these
wonderful things.
What does your own well-being look like? Is it full of joy and happiness? Love and
laughter? Visual it. Feel what it will feel like to be well and to be living a well balanced life.
You will have it again very soon. Just keep the faith. (Credo #4.)
Living a joyful, happy life full of love and laughter is your birth right. This brilliant life will
be yours once you stay still long enough to receive it. Think about that for a minute. This
brilliant life will be yours once you stay still long enough to receive it. It’s really hard to catch
a moving target.
We will get back to silence and stillness later in Chapter 12: Time Out. For now, just be
still, embrace silence, and allow yourself to receive the brilliant life that is headed your way.
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************** Badass Breakup Rules Recap *************
Here’s a short list of questions that you can ask yourself to decide whether or not the
advice you are receiving is bad breakup advice or badass breakup advice:
1.
What breakup advice am I getting from my friends?
2.
What breakup advice am I getting from my family?
3.
What breakup advice am I getting from the the media?
4.
Is this advice actually helping me get over my breakup?
Or, is it counterproductive to healing and moving?
5.
If it's actually counterproductive, what can I do instead?
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Chapter 7:
Bitch Slap
Plus a kick where the sun doesn’t shine.
S
orry, but someone needs to smack some sense into you. If you’re like most women, you’re
acting like a fool in some way right now. If so, consider this bitch slap a wake up call and an
act of kindness from your breakup boss. It’s over, girlfriend. And if you’re acting a fool right
now (also known as being a psycho-ex girlfriend), then stop it. Immediately. You’ve lost
enough. Don’t loose your dignity, too.
Acting a fool will not bring your ex back. It will not make him wake up and smell the
coffee. It will not make him change his mind and run back into your arms. And it most
certainly will not make him break up with his new girlfriend either, sister.
Believe me, I’ve tried it. I tried that approach after meeting walk-in closet girl, remember?
I logged into my exes email account, as though I was going to find him inside his inbox, crying
his eyes out because he missed me so.
But that’s not what I found, was it? No. What I found, instead, was a horrific reality filled
with girl seeks guy want ads. In the end, all I was left with were nauseating mental pictures of
my ex responding to them in the flesh, which just broke my heart even more and took me
longer to get over than did my breakup. Think about that for a minute. Which just broke my
heart even more and took me longer to get over than did the breakup.
If you’re acting like a fool and being a psycho-ex girlfriend, you’ll only hurt yourself more.
Wouldn’t you rather end up with your dignity than with a restraining order? Wouldn’t you
rather end up with a new man than a reputation that you can’t repair? Word travels fast, and
people remember bad behaviors far more than good ones.
My guess is that you’d rather have your dignity and a new man on your arm, which is why
I’ve conveniently laid out a list of all the ways you should absolutely, without fail stop acting
like a fool.
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This list is just a sampling of psycho breakup behaviors. It is, by no means, complete.
1.
Stalking
Don’t fool yourself, sister. He knows damn well that the car parked down the street is yours.
He also knows that you didn’t “just happen” to be crossing the same street at the same exact
time as he did during his lunch break.
He’s an idiot for dumping you, but he’s not a moron. Stop the stalking, stop the accidental
run-ins, and stop making such a fool out of yourself, too. You’re better than that.
This includes stalking his friends, his family, and his new girlfriend. None of them broke up
with you, so stop acting as if they have anything to do with your broken heart. Especially his
new girlfriend. Sure, you might be able to meet her “by chance” and strike up a friendship
behind your ex’s back. But once you get caught (cause you most certainly will), he’ll be so
extremely pissed at you that he’ll do whatever he can to get you back. And I don’t mean get
you back into his arms, either.
Unless you want him telling everyone how crazy and backstabbing you are, I suggest you
stop immediately.
But that’s not even the worst part. Nope. The worst part is that his new girlfriend will tell
everyone she knows how much of a crazy bitch you are too. And you and I both know how
much us girls like to talk- especially about other crazy bitches. So by the time she stops telling
everyone in town what you did to her and your ex, you won’t be able to leave the house
without a stare.
Need I say more? I can’t see you, but you know who you are. YOU. Stop. Now. You crazy
stalker, you.
(SLAP)
2.
Cyber-stalking
Ok, yes. Yes, I did this before, too. But you know what? I learned my lesson the hard way, so
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that you don’t have to. Consider my cyber-stalking story about the sexual want ads my gift to
you. I sincerely hope that it helps you see the light as to why cyber stalking is such an oh-soterrible thing to do.
Social media websites can be a big black hole too, honey. Don’t fall into one, because
they’re super hard to pull yourself out of. Just remember that you do have the strength to keep
yourself away from this edge to begin with. And if your strength has failed you, then please ask
a friend to log onto your accounts and delete your ex. You even need to delete his friends and
family, too.
When my fiance and I split, I was still in love with his brother’s family. I loved all three of
his kids like they were my own nieces and nephews. In fact, his brother’s wife would still
message me every once in a while when the kids mentioned my name. One morning, the three
year old woke up and said “I miss Auntie Ellen.” It tore me apart.
But that’s his family, not mine. The same goes for you. Those are his family members and
his friends, not yours. Yes, it does make your breakup even that much harder when you loose
your ex’s friends and family whom you’ve grown to love. But you have your own friends and
family. And they’d love to hear from you too.
(SLAP)
3.
Calling
Your ex didn’t have a bunch of random private numbers calling and hanging on him before
your breakup. (But I’m sure he doesn’t think it’s you or anything.) He must just think it’s some
other crazy person who wants to hear his voice. What would give him any reason to think
otherwise?
Come on, girl. Do you really think you’re fooling anyone? If you need to call someone that
bad, might I suggest a therapist instead. Look, I know this whole breakup thing hurts.
Tremendously. But you must stop torturing yourself. You must stop calling him before he
stops thinking of you as the beautiful woman he was once with and starts thinking of you as
the annoying pest he made the mistake of dating for however many years.
I know you miss him. I know he was your best friend, your lover, and quite possibly your
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“everything” too. But now you have to be all those things for yourself. Now you get to be all
those things for yourself. Be your own best friend, your own lover, and your own “everything”
too.
(SLAP)
4.
Chasing
Here’s a piece of wisdom that you should take with you long after you put this fine piece of
literature down: Anything that you chase in life only runs away from you. Here’s another
piece of priceless wisdom: This includes men.
You might be very tempted to chase your ex right now. You might be tempted to take what
you can get from him and leave yourself available for whatever he’s willing to give- even if it’s
next to nothing. But if he’s giving next to nothing, then where does that leave you? That leaves
you next to nothing, too. And that, sister, is not where you belong.
You are something. You deserve more. And, according to Breakup Credo #7, you deserve
only love. So stop chasing. Instead, reread Badass Breakup Rule That Doesn’t Suck #4:
Embrace Silence. You can’t catch the moving target that is your ex, and the brilliant life of love
and happiness you crave can’t catch you if you keep running in the wrong direction.
When you chase, you look desperate. You may very well be right now, but we’re going to
change that soon, I promise. For now, slap yourself out of it.
(SLAP)
5.
Having sex with your ex
I’m not even going to sugarcoat this one, hot stuff. Not like I’ve sugarcoated anything else thus
far, but having sex with your ex is an enormous no-no. Even if something else is, well,
enormous too.
Yes, sex feels good when its happening. Yes, it makes you feel wanted. Yes, it makes you
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feel loved. Yes, yes, yes! However (trust me on this), these feelings are temporary. Very
temporary. These feelings are so temporary, that they’ll end just as soon as you get out of that
bed you shouldn’t have been in in the first place.
What’s worse, is that all those temporary feel-good feelings will be replaced by something
much, much worse- a feeling that’s worse than the way you felt when he dumped you to begin
with. If you continue to have sex with your ex, you’ll feel as if someone is pouring salt into an
open wound in your wounded heart. It will sting for a very, very long time. So stop having sex
with your ex, ok?
When you have sex with your ex (or do any other crazy psycho ex girlfriend antics), you’re
only emotionally cutting yourself. Crazy people cut themselves. Literally. People with
certifiable mental disorders pick up razor blades and cut themselves.
Though I’m not qualified to write why these people do this or what causes them to be so
destructive to their own bodies, I am qualified to tell you that sleeping with your ex will cut
yourself emotionally and leave you with yet another emotional wound to heal.
These types of emotional wounds run deep. Do whatever you have to do to stop yourself
from sleeping with you ex for good.
(SLAP)
P
ut On Your Big
Girl Panties
“But how do I stop myself from sleeping with my ex?” you might be asking. Well, here’s
where your personal power gets to shine. You have a ton of this power inside you, you know.
No matter how beat down and tired you may be feeling, you always have the power to do
anything that you put your mind to. You just have to decide to do it.
So make the decision right now to stop sleeping with you ex, (if this is what you’re doing).
If you need to remind yourself of how powerful you are, then write down “I will not sleep with
my ex!” on a huge piece of poster board. Then, hang it on your bedroom wall as a reminder to
yourself every morning when you wake up. (Just make sure you take down the poster board
next time you have company. That would be awkward.)
If you need something even stronger than your personal will power, then get a chastity belt.
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(Kidding.) But now is not the time for those lacy thongs. Put those away until further notice.
Especially the ones that he liked so much. On second thought, go ahead and throw those out.
Along with any other lacy, silky, or see-through garments that he had the privilege of seeing
you in. You can restock your “get it on” wardrobe later, once you pick out the next privileged
stud to get it on with.
Now’s the time for your big girl panties. No, not your granny panties. Your big girl panties.
The ones that you figuratively put on when you need to pick yourself up after life knocks you
down. Get up, brush off the dirt from your heart being stomped on, and put on your big girl
panties. Don’t stay down and keep getting kicked around by your ex. You’ve been emotionally
beat up enough. Put on your big girl panties, and don’t take them off ever again. You’ll not
only need them to keep fighting this bitch of a breakup, but they’ll come in handy for the rest
of your big, beautiful life, too.
H
ow To Stop
Acting A Fool
Only you can be the judge of your own actions right now. Only you can decide whether or not
they belong on this list of crazy ex-girlfriend behaviors. These types of behaviors are
completely counterproductive to what you really should be doing right now, which is healing.
You absolutely must find enough self-respect to stop doing such damaging things to yourself.
Self-preservation is essential right now. It’s essential to your well-being, your self-image, and
your personal dignity.
It may be hard for you to tell right now if your behaviors are counterproductive to getting
over your ex and beating your broken heart. Ask yourself these questions to help you decide:
Do I feel good about myself when I do this? (No)
Am I embarrassed to tell my friends what I’m doing? (Yes)
Does what I’m doing make me feel proud to be me? (No)
Is this helping me to get over my ex and move on? (No)
If someone else was doing this during their breakup, would I call them a crazy psycho?
(Hell, yes!)
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If your answers to these questions match up to the ones inside the parentheses, then add
these behaviors to your “acting like a fool” list. If they do not, stop fooling yourself. If you were
even questioning your behavior, it more than likely belongs on your acting like a fool list. If
your behavior is questionable, ask one of your guy friends about it. Ask him, if he had an exgirlfriend, and she was acting the way that you are, would he think she’s acting like a fool. If
he says yes, then you have your answer.
I highly doubt you’ll feel very good about yourself in the long run if you continue acting in
ways that make you look and feel like a fool. So save face, and rise above such nonsensical
behavior. You’re so much better than that, sister.
The longer you act out in these crazy ways, the longer you’ll continue to give your ex your
personal power. It’s time to tap into your inner badass, instead. You need her right now more
than ever. Remember the subtitle of this book- Because that bastard wasn’t worth it and this
really is the best thing that’s ever happened to you. I’m as serious as a heart attack about that
subtitle. We really are going to turn this into the best thing that’s ever happened to you.
But just in case you need some help not doing these types of crazy behaviors, I’ll be here to
bitch slap you whenever you need it. So watch your back. They just might come out of no
where.
(SLAP)
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Part Two:
Breakup Hell
It’s more like a dungeon, but it feels like hell.
And you’ll have to go there and back. Sorry.
A
loss is a loss, no matter what’s been lost. It’s painful, it’s unrooting, and it’s awfully
anxiety-ridden. This might not be your first breakup, but it quite possibly might be your most
painful.
You’ve more than likely just lost someone who, at some point, fit one or more of these
descriptions:
Your husband
Your future husband
Your best friend
Your soul mate
Your lover
The love of your life
The “one”
The one for now
Regardless of the title(s) your ex either had or didn’t have, your breakup left you with a
void. The person that you thought you would be with forever has walked out the door. Your
soul mate decided he didn’t even want to even be your mate any longer. The “one” ended up
only being the one for a little while, and so forth.
While everyone experiences the loss of love differently and with varying degrees of
emotions, one thing is for certain- the loss of love hurts. Sometimes this hurt can penetrate
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the deepest levels of our spirits, leaving us feeling spiritless its aftermath. To better
understand what happens during such a loss, you’re going to go on a journey into Breakup
Hell. Maybe you’ve been there already. In which case, you’ll recognize every bit of it.
But if you haven’t been to Breakup Hell yet, or are smack dab in the middle of it, the advice
in the next five chapters is here to support you. No one should go through hell and back on
their own. You’ve probably had some friends around during your hellish journey, but often
times these same friends just don’t understand exactly what you’re going through. This isn’t to
say that they haven’t been through their own hellish breakup before. Most women have at
some point.
But the loss of love feels differently to everyone who experiences it. So many factors play a
part in this: age, length of relationship, financial dependance, emotional dependance, kids, no
kids- the list goes on and on. It’s perfectly ok if this loss is hurting you much more than a
similar loss did for your friend. It’s also ok if it isn’t. It’s all relative.
One of the best things that you can do for yourself right now is to be true to yourself. Don’t
suffocate your feelings just because your friend, your mother, or your therapist tells you that
what you are or aren’t feeling right now isn’t right. Everything that you’re feeling right now is
right.
W
hy Your Feelings Are
Absolutely Justified
All of your feelings and emotions about your breakup are completely justified, simply because
you’re having them. There are exceptions, of course. Like if you want to jump out of a bridge
or launch yourself out of a window.
If you’re feeling at all like you want to hurt yourself or anyone else, put down this book
right now and seek professional help. But if you’re feeling any other extreme emotions (like
the ones mentioned in Chapter 1: The 69 Emotions of a Breakup), it's perfectly ok.
You’re not alone. (Obviously.) None of us is, actually. May this journey into Breakup Hell
help you further realize that you’re not alone.
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Chapter 8:
The Electric Chair
Please, God. Please, God, PLEASE.
Please tell me this isn’t happening to me.
“Wait...what? What did you just say?!?”
T
hat was what came out of my mouth when my fiance told me he didn’t want to get married
anymore. It was a handful of days before Christmas Day, and 24 hours before both of our
families were about to show up to stay with us for the holidays.
I had just come home from a totally relaxing, rejuvenating yoga class, which I desperately
needed after all of the holiday preparations. We’d hung the lights, bought new bed linens,
stocked the kitchen, and even purchased new plates, silverware, serving dishes, and glasses
for our Christmas dinner guests.
We were all set. Our very first time hosting a holiday dinner together as a couple in our
very first home. My ex and I had lived there for just a short six months. Our landlord, who was
a friend’s mother, called the house her “happy home.” And it was. Bright, sunny, and warm,
the happy house was a perfect place for us to start building our lives together.
Ahhh. Joy. There’s something to be said about getting to a point in your life where you can
start to provide for your friends and family- the point where you become the host, cook the
meals around which everyone gathers, and provide the house where the kiddos slumber while
they anxiously await Christmas morning. It’s quite a feat, I suppose. And when that point
arrives, it feels like a real blessing.
Until, however, the f**king rug gets pulled out from under your feet so damn quickly that
you fall flat on your face. Just as things start to “fall into place.” Just as you think you’ve
“arrived.” Just as you hit these precious milestones in life, an earthquake hits and destroys
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your happy home, leaving you to watch those same precious milestones get buried in the
rubble.
“I don’t think I want to get married anymore,” he said, within minutes of my totally
relaxing and rejuvenating yoga class.
What the bleep. We’d been engaged for almost two years at that point. We’d even started
working together, as I offered to help him and his brother out with their new, very time
consuming family business. Why wouldn’t I? It was going to my family business, too.
We’d told all our friends and family about the engagement, we had a joint checking
account, and we were well on way to starting a family, (with a new dog and two adopted
kittens.)
And did I mention I moved all the way across the country to be with this man, my new
fiance? Yup. I packed up some of my things, sold the rest, said goodbye to all my girlfriends,
and watched my lovely west coast community disappear in the rearview mirror as I drove
away at sunset towards my promising future.
H
ow I Met My Ex
We had had a very brief romance almost seven years prior to that bittersweet departure from
the west coast. We met at an afterwork mixer, both suited up and looking sharp, and caught
eyes from a distance. It’s true what they say about time standing still when you meet someone
special.
I used to say, “It’s true what they say about time standing still when you meet your
soulmate,” but that thought makes me want to throw up now, so I changed it.
We dated very briefly after that chance encounter. It was short, but hot. Then he called one
day to say he had just ended a serious three-year relationship and didn’t want to get involved
again so soon. I was bummed. I didn’t believe him, of course. I figured “he just wasn’t that
into me”. If he was, then nothing should have stopped him from seeing me again.
But little did I know. Seven years later and living on the other side of the country, I opened
my email one evening and saw “Hey, Hottie” written in the subject line.
Hmmm. I appreciated the compliment, but who the hell was this creep?
Turns out, he really was that into me. He’d hoped we would run into each other again like
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we had all those years ago. He’d hoped that once the dust settled around the breakup with his
ex of three years, that he’d see me one day in a restaurant or bar near my house. But by that
time, I’d been bite by a travel bug, moved out west, and changed my cell phone number.
Seven years later, he happened to drive by the house I’d been living in when we met all
those years ago and decided to look me up on the Internet. To his surprise, there I was. I’d
been coordinating non-profit events on the west coast, some of which had caught the
attention of the local media. He listened to a radio interview that had been recorded a year
prior, which directed him to my company’s website.
Ahhh. Fate. It was like the stars had literally realigned themselves and the oceans had
parted and the birds were flying in beautiful straight lines to honor our reunion. Our love. Our
destiny. Our “us.”
Puke. That’s probably what most of our friends wanted to do when, a few weeks later, we
were professing our love and planning to see each other. It all happened so quickly, so
magically, so fatefully. And although most people probably did want to puke when they heard
about it, deep down most of them really just wished it had happened to them instead. (And
that unicorns and mermaids and flying ponies were real, too.)
So, we met. (Again.) And time stood still. (Again.) And we made out and we made love and
we made all sorts of promises to each other, too. Including the promise to be man and wife.
So when, two years later, I returned home from my relaxing and rejuvenating yoga class
less than one week before Christmas and only 24 hours before our house guests arrived, and I
was told “I don’t think I want to get married anymore,” I felt a shock in my body as if someone
had just turned the death switch on to an electric chair I was sitting in. I was stunned, frozen,
deer-in-the-headlights shocked.
When I was able to speak, all I could say was, “Come again? You don’t want what?”
I’m pretty sure the next thing out of my mouth (or at least the next thought I had), was
“What the f**k.” And that lovely saying became my tag line for not only the ensuing holiday
season, but the entire next year of my life, too.
T
he Painful Shock
of a Breakup
Shock (a.k.a. “The Electric Chair”) is a typical first reaction to a breakup and the first room of
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Breakup Hell you’ll have to go through. It’s totally unavoidable.
Have you ever touched a hot-wired fence? Or come really close to a 10-car pile up on the
freeway? What about almost peed your pants inside a haunted house, or been startled as you
were walking naked around your “empty” house and someone snuck up on you?
Well if you answered “yes” to any of those questions, then you’ve experienced a shock.
When your body is shocked (either by emotional or physical trauma), you may feel faint, dizzy
or light-headed at first. Your brain will release a level of stress hormones into your system to
equalize you. In severe cases, shock can cause you to pass out and become unconscious.
Unfortunately, you’ll be totally conscious when you’re being dumped. The shock may last
for a few short seconds, other times for a few hours. It could possibly last for days, even. The
level and duration of the shock will depend on the seriousness of the relationship that you
were just dumped from.
More than likely, your being dumped off the relationship sent an initial shock through
your body much like putting your finger in an electric socket. Why? Because the body goes
into shock when it’s safety has been threatened- or when it’s safety is compromised in any
way, by anyone or by anything.
So, it’s no wonder that your body went through shock when your ex dumped you off your
relationship. He threatened your safety and compromised your well-being. He threatened
your safety and compromised your well-being when you were most vulnerable- when you
were totally in love.
Your ex was holding the safety net for your heart, and he let it go. He let it go right when
you needed it the most- right when you were either falling in love or falling more in love.
Either way, he let the net go, and your body went into complete shock as it fell faster and
faster and faster into the unknown- closer and closer to what seemed like a slow and painful
death.
Which is why, after the initial shock passed, you reached out with all your might, grabbed
the dangling safety net, and started trying desperately to climb back up.
Thus, wearing yourself out and becoming completely insane as a result.
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*********** How to Stop the Electric Shock ************
1.
Resist the urge to punch your ex for letting go of the best thing that’s ever happened
to him.
2.
Sit down immediately before you pass out.
3.
Breath. (Into a paper bag if you have to.)
4.
Close you eyes and picture a safety net below you. It’s always there no matter what.
5.
Repeat Credo #1: I’ll be OK.
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Chapter 9:
The Looney Bin
You aren’t going crazy. Or are you?
“You didn’t mean that, did you? You want to get married, right?
I
must have repeated this statement at least a few hundreds times to my ex after he told that
me didn’t want to get married again.
Yes, again. He’d been married once during the seven years I lived on the west coastmarried to a woman who up and left him about a month before his mother died of cancer.
After that kind of devastating loss (more like a double whammy), he decided that marriage
was a crock of you-know-what, and that it doesn’t stop someone from leaving anyhow. So why
would he ever want to get married again?
I don’t blame him, really. I mean, the man was dumped by his beloved wife a month before
his beloved mother “left” him, too. He lost both of the women he loved the most at the very
same time. I can’t even imagine how devastating that must have been.
But, then, he re-met me. And we fell in love and lust and everything in between, too. Soon,
my ex’s disbelief in marriage washed away, and he couldn’t see the rest of this life without me
in it as his wife.
The truth is, though, we really were in love. When he told me he didn’t want to get married
anymore, he actually just meant he didn’t want to get married anymore! He wasn’t actually
breaking up with me. (Yet.) He wasn’t dumping me off the relationship. (Yet.) Nor was he
letting go of the safety net and watching me fall towards my death. (Again, yet.)
My ex may not have been dumping me off the relationship, but he most certainly was
dumping many of my hopes and dreams overboard. He most certainly was dumping
something bought, something borrowed, and something blue overboard. And with those
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hopes and dreams, went my feelings of safety and security in the relationship that I had felt
for the two years prior.
Regardless of his intentions at the time, when he told me he didn’t want to get married
again, it still felt like I was being dumped. It still felt like I was walking the plank towards the
deep dark ocean with no safety net to save me from the sharks below. So, I did what comes
most natural after being shocked with horrible news- I quickly began to deny like hell that the
horrible news was true in the first place.
Enter denial. It was no longer a river in Egypt; it was an actual river of tears streaming
down my face, through our “happy” home, and out the back door. And with the tears that ran
down the river of denial, went my hopes, my dreams, and ultimately, my sanity.
No longer was I thinking clearly. Denial ran so deep that I actually thought I could change
my ex’s mind about getting married again. I started bargaining with him, saying things like,
“What if we wait another year, will that be enough time to reconsider?” I tried to get him to
take back his comment, by saying things like, “You must just be scared to get married again.
Let’s go to counseling.” I spent countless hours begging him, pleading with him, and trying to
convince him that he still wanted to get married.
I was in complete and total denial that he actually meant what he said to me that night
after my relaxing and rejuvenating yoga class. I was in complete and total denial that we
would never sail our ship together as husband and wife. The pathetic part was that I was also
in complete and total denial that I couldn’t do a damn thing to ever change his mind, either.
Einstein said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again
expecting different results. Well, had Einstein been at my “happy” house or sailing down my
river of denial, he probably would have yelled something like this to me:
“Damn, girl! You are one crazy bitch.”
T
he Insanity of
Breakup Denial
Denial (a.k.a. The Looney Bin) is normal during a breakup. The insanity that ensues as a
result isn’t normal, however- although it’s very common to feel this way. But as one crazy
bitch to another- it’s ok.
Just don’t get too crazy and start dying your blond hair dark brown (which I’ve done), and
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having to go running remorsefully to your gay hair dresser when, a few days later, your hair is
actually green (which I’ve also done).
Don’t do that. Instead, recognize that you’ve cried yourself a flipping river of denial and
pull yourself out at the next dock before you end up in the ocean. But you have to pull yourself
out, however, because your ex never sailed down that river with you. Nope, he told you he
wanted out of your relationship, and his story has not changed. (Even if he’s still trying to
sleep with you- this is not him trying to get back together.) So it’s up to you (and only you), to
keep yourself from drowning.
Stop the insanity, sister. Instead, do what a crazy bitch does best- get really, really pissed.
**************** How to Stop the Insanity****************
1.
Resist the urge to make your ex feel guilty for leaving you, even though you're the best
thing that's ever happened to him.
2. Stop
trying to change your ex's mind. It's his mind, not yours
3. Don't
take your breakup personally. There's nothing wrong with you. His life is going
in a separate direction-and that's ok.
4. Remember
5. Repeat
that you life is unfolding just as it should be.
Credo #4: Trust the process.
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Chapter 10:
The Boiler Room
Look out. Pissed, crazy bitch on the loose.
“How dare you! I moved across the country for you!!!”
A
fter a few very long, hard months of trying to talk my ex back into getting married, my
denial turned into anger and resentment. I was so terribly pissed at him for changing his mind
about marriage, seeing that I had uprooted myself from 3000 miles away to be his wife. I was
overrun with feelings of anger and resentment, yet I didn’t know what to do. My home was
with him. My work was with him. After leaving so much behind to be with him, where was I
supposed to go?
At the time, I didn’t feel like I had much of a choice but to stay and deal with it, because
dealing with finding a new home, a new job, and a new life entirely was more than I thought I
could handle. And as pathetic as this might seem, I was still holding onto hope that he would,
in fact, change his mind.
But, still, I was so very angry and resentful at his change of heart. Instead of leaving, I just
chose to dive into a few hobbies, hang out with friends, and leave him at home to miss me. It
didn’t take very long for him to take notice, but when he did, it was just about too late.
He made a few attempts to show how much he cared about me, like planning a big day of
parasailing for my birthday. He had a few conversations with me about my not ever being
home anymore, and how he wanted to spend more time with me- but I was extremely
emotionally detached by this point and started to think “too little, too late.” So, I moved out.
But here’s the real kicker. When I was packing up my things, he started begging me to stay.
With tears in his eyes and down on his knees, he asked me to marry him again, confessing
he’d been scared all along. He went on and on about how he was scared to get hurt again,
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scared to be walked out on again, and scared to one day loose me like he’s lost his ex-wife.
So, I melted. The love of my life was on his knees, confessing his vulnerabilities, and
begging me stay and love him forever. What girl in love wouldn’t melt, right?
(Side note: Dangling hope in the face of a desperately heartbroken person is like dangling
an unlimited credit card in a shopaholic’s face- it’s risky, it’s rude, and it’ll get you in some
seriously hot water.)
Which, needless to say, it did.
T
he Boiling Heat of
Breakup Anger
Anger (a.k.a. The Boiler Room) is the most invigorating stage of a breakup. It will make you
feel like you’re on top of the world, that you’re still alive, and that nothing your ex can do will
ever hurt you again. This stage of breakup hell is a much needed relief from the painful shock
of being dumped and the insane struggle with denial. Getting pissed at your ex gives you a
much deserved break from breakup hell, by temporarily turning your sadness into madness.
Take full advantage of this stage of your break, girl. It’s a gift. Get mad- get really, really
mad. It’s probably best that you don’t do this in front of him, however. You don’t want to do
anything crazy that will give him a story to use against you in the future. You’re an angry,
crazy bitch right now, but that doesn’t mean you want him calling you that behind your back
after your breakup.
So, get angry somewhere else. Yell, scream, and throw things-preferably things that don’t
break, but it’s your stuff so do what you want. That’s the point-to do what you want and what
feels really good, like ripping up the t-shirts he gave you to sleep in or burning his photos.
(Especially the photos that he looks hot in. You really don’t ever need to look at those again.)
You go angry girl. I would say “Stop the madness!” but your anger will subside on it’s own.
(Unfortunately.) And when it does, you’ll more than likely want it back, because the next stage
of breakup hell is the worst stage of them all.
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*************** How to Prevent a Meltdown***************
1. Resist
the urge to launch something towards your ex. Breaking something over his
head will not change his mind about the breakup.
2. Get
3. If
out your anger. It's not healthy to hold it inside.
you're going to throw something, make sure it's not your good china (or something
that belongs to your ex.) And throw whatever it is outside.
4. Work
our your anger at the gym, on a run, or at a kickboxing studio. The more you
sweat out your anger, the clearer your mind will be.
5. Practice
Credo #5: Breathe. Count to five on your inhales and your exhales.
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Chapter 10:
The Torture Chamber
Gone are the days of sleeping, the days of eating,
and the days of feeling like anything but a big fat loser.
“Baby! Where are you?!?”
I
literally yelled this out one night at 3 a.m. from my bed. I was sobbing, snotting, and
wailing in a dark, empty bedroom eight hours from my ex-home with my ex-fiance. I was a
absolute wreck without him.
When I finally did move out for good, I had to turn to friends and family to help me and
ended up back in my home state. My ex eventually put a damn in my river of denial and
decided he’d put up with enough of this pissed, crazy bitch for one lifetime, but that wasn’t
until he put me through breakup hell for a few more excruciating months after confessing his
fear and proposing again.
When he did that, however, I was still so pissed at him for changing his mind to begin
with, that I still moved out anyhow. I moved about 10 minutes away into a friend’s garage
apartment, because I wanted him to prove he was serious about working on his fear and going
to couple’s counseling. I refused to move back in until he followed through on both of these
promises. I’d already spent the better part of the year prior waiting for him to change, and
didn’t quite trust that he actually would this time.
Unfortunately, I was right. He didn’t change. At the time, he said that he had, so I moved
back in about a month later. But by the time my belonging were back into our happy home
again, he was extremely hurt and angry by my leaving in the first place- so hurt and angry that
he refused to forgive me.
Looking back, it’s apparent that my moving out caused him to start going through this own
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stages of breakup hell. He was shocked when I had moved out. While I was gone, he went
bonkers in his own looney bin of denial. And when I moved back in, he was boiling over with
anger and resentment towards me for moving out. I had literally moved back into his boiler
room.
What’s worse is that couple’s counseling only resulted in me being catapulted back into the
looney bin. I still wanted so desperately for our relationship to last, so began to try and try,
over and over again expecting different results.
But the results didn’t change. I really was in hell. He was far away from me emotionally,
and didn’t seem to be in love with me anymore. A few months passed, and I ended up being
right. He didn’t love me anymore and wanted me to move out. So I packed up my things
(again), only this time I ended up eight hours away screaming pathetic things like “Baby!
Where are you?” in the middle of the night.
Lonely, depressed, crazy bitch. Sound familiar?
T
he Torturous Depression
of a Breakup
Depression (a.k.a. The Torture Chamber) is practically unavoidable after a breakup. It can feel
like someone is literally digging into your heart with a dull razor blade while simultaneously
suffocating you with your own pillow. It’s painful, it’s exhausting, and it’s completely and
utterly terrifying.
Depression takes you down like mono. You can actually become quit sick, since the body is
using all its energy to heal the gigantic hole in your heart. Rest, please. Don’t make your
depression worse by trying to pretend it’s not there.
This is also not the time to be a “big girl” and do everything on your own. It’s called being a
“cry baby”, not being a “cry big girl.” You need help when if you’re depressed, and that’s ok.
(Repeat Credo #1: I’ll be ok.)
Go see a professional if you need. Get a referral from someone you know, because good
men good therapists are hard to find. If you can’t find a referral, try to interview at least three
different therapists over the phone before making a decision on who to give your money to
(and your faith), because money and faith don’t always come easy. (Repeat Credo #3: Keep
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the faith.)
There’s nothing satisfying what-so-ever about breakup depression, except that you’ll
maybe loss a few extra pounds from not eating. If you remember from Chapter 3, however,
ditching a few pounds in the future will be much easier than ditching an eating disorder. So
please, eat something. Anything.
Don’t do what I did after “walk-in closet girl” and get so skinny that Victoria Beckham
looks like a whale next to you. Your friends will freak out and strangers will look at you like
you are totally mental. You just might be totally mental at this stage of breakup hell, but as
long as you eat something regularly, you’ll be able to at least hide it. So, eat. Even if it is only
ice cream.
Whatever breakup depression feels like to you, chances are it completely sucks. There’s
also a good chance that it’s taking over all of the other areas of your life, too. If this is
happening to you, seek professional help, nourish yourself, and get plenty of rest. You’ll need
all the wisdom and strength that you can muster up to escape the torture chamber and run
towards the last and final stage of breakup hell as quickly as humanly possible. (Repeat Credo
#6: Stay Strong.)
You can stop the suffering from your breakup. You can break free from the torture
chamber in breakup hell. But it’s going to take all the will power left in your tortured soul to
make it happen.
Stay strong. You’re almost there. You’ve made it this far, so don’t stop now. Use the entire
credo over and over during this stage to remind yourself that you deserve only love, you’re
worth it, you’re beautiful, and you’ll be brilliant without him.
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********** How to Break Free From the Torture**********
1.
Resist the urge to call your ex to cry in his ear, even though you desperate wish he
would cry too. He very well may have already.
2. Give
yourself 72 hours to feel as sorry for yourself as you want to. Cry, bitch, moan,
and wail. But when the time’s up, put on your big girl panties and quit your bitching.
3. Repeat
all 10 credos to yourself every time you feel yourself slipping back into
sadness, sorry, anger, and regret. What’s done is done.
4. Remember
that you did the best that you could in the relationship, and so did your
ex. Promise yourself that you’ll be better next time.
5. Seek
professional help if you can’t end your sadness on your own. This doesn’t mean
call your friends. They aren’t qualified to help you.
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Chapter 11:
The Only Way Out
Time to get the hell out of breakup hell.
“Yes! My heart is broken. And this is what I want.”
O
nce my screaming in the middle of the night subsided, everything around me turned
started to turn grey. It was as if something had exploded and what was left was covered in a
layer of ash. Something had exploded, actually- my life.
Everything I’d dreamt of with my ex, everything I’d looked forward to together, and
everything I’d giving myself to with him for the past four and half years had exploded all
around me. There it all was, crushed into tiny bits and pieces, scattered as far as I could see.
I couldn’t see anything else. I couldn’t see the next moment of my life, let alone the next
day. All I saw was hopelessness and despair, all I thought about were the “what if’s” and the “if
only’s,” and all I daydreamed about were the days I wished I could have done something
different to change the heartbreaking outcome that was my current reality.
I also was wallowing in a huge pile of regrets. And even though I knew my engagement was
over, it was hardly over in my head.
If I’d never moved out that first time...
If we’d just gone to see a therapist sooner...
If I hadn’t overreacted to him not wanting to get married...
Eventually, my regrets took such a strong hold on my mind that I couldn’t do anything
except think about what I could have done or said differently to change the fact that were no
longer together. It pained me constantly to think of all of the things I could have said or done
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different to not loose the love of my life.
It was all I could talk about, too. Not only was my mind burdened by regrets, but my
conversations with friends were burdened with them, too. My best friend actually had to warn
me one day that my breakup obsession was threatening my relationship with her and that if I
didn’t stop talking about it that she would have to stop talking to me instead.
That’s when I knew something had to change. I was driving down the freeway and having
that very conversation with her. When we got off the phone (more like when we hung up on
each other), I pulled over at the next exit.
“Get a flipping grip,” I said to myself. “You know what you need to do, so damn it, start
doing it.” I looked around for a moment. I noticed the clouds in the sky, the cars passing by,
and the song that was playing on the radio. Then I remembered one of the most settling
wisdom pieces of wisdom that I’d ever received: Surrender to the present moment.
So I took a deep breath, waved my white flag, and surrendered to the reality of my
breakup.
H
ow to Accept the Reality
of Your Breakup
Acceptance (a.k.a The Only Way Out) is just that. It’s the only way out of breakup hell. What is
done is done, and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it. The sooner you accept this
and surrender to the reality of your breakup, the sooner you’ll get the hell out of breakup hell.
Often times people get this concept of surrendering confused with giving up. To surrender
doesn’t mean that you just roll over and play dead. It’s quite the opposite, in fact. When you
surrender to what’s happening to you at any given moment, you accept that moment as what
is meant to happen and nothing more. Don’t react to it, don’t blame it, don’t get angry at it,
and don’t fight it. It is what it is, and nothing more.
This concept of every given moment being “what it is” can be found in most every spiritual
text on the planet. If you’re a Christian, then you may say something like “surrender to the will
of God.” Whatever your spiritual or religious beliefs, there’s a part of that belief system which
teaches being in the present moment and accepting what is.
After you surrender to the present moment, you’ll need to make peace with it. To make
peace with it, you can simply decide that you actually want what is happening as opposed to
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not wanting what is happening. This actually is as easy as it sounds.
For example, if you dread Monday morning meetings, you can simply decide instead that
you love them. If you walk into the board room saying “Yes! It’s Monday morning, and I love
waking up really early to get to this thrilling meeting,” you’ll instantly change your attitude of
Monday morning meetings, thus changing your dread. You’ve changed your outlook on the
meeting by accepting that it is what it is. And since your dread is no longer controlling your
reaction to Monday mornings, and you may grow to actually like them instead. You may even
start looking so forward to Mondays so much, that the next week you waltz into the meeting
wearing your sexy new knee high boots and the sexy new associate asks your hot ass out on a
date.
By accepting your breakup, you also stop letting it control you any longer. Once your
breakup isn’t controlling you any longer, neither is your ex. You’re a badass, beautiful babe
who picked this book up because getting over your ex doesn’t have to be a bitch. If you’re
serious about that, then make this your new mantra: Yes! My heart is broken, and this is
what I want.
Your life is unfolding exactly the way that it should. Accept the present moment, surrender
to your breakup, and acknowledge that you’re here in this moment for a reason.
This ok-ness (or is-ness) is the key to beating a broken heart. Your broken heart and has
already beat you up enough. Remember Credo #4 and keep the faith. So what if you went out
on a limb and had it break off. Isn’t it about time you learned how to fly?
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******* How to Get the Hell out of Breakup Hell *******
1.Resist the urge to call your ex and rub your acceptance in his face. Let him regret
loosing you in his own time.
2.Stop fighting the present moment. Surrender to it. It is what it is.
3.Use this mantra: My heart is broken, and this is what I want!
4.When you feel yourself slipping back into sadness, anger, blame, or regret, remember
Credo #2: The Universe is on your side. Trust her.
5.Tap into your inner badass. She’s strong, she’s beautiful, and she’s going to be
brilliant without your ex. (Credo #10.)
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Part Three:
Breakup Rebirth
It’s time for a breakthrough, baby.
Brace yourself.
W
ho hoo! You did it, girlfriend. You made it through breakup hell and you’re back again.
Not only are you back from breakup hell, but you’re well on the way to becoming your badass
self again, too.
I’m really, really proud of you. If I were there right now, I would give you a big giant hug
and a great big slap on the ass. Maybe even one to grow on, because you’re about to. You’re
about to grow even taller than you do when you put on those sexy six inch heels that are
hiding in your closet. Well, they aren’t really hiding, are they? They’ve been buried under the
muck of your breakup for quite some time now.
Wait. Did you hear that? I think I just heard your heels calling out your name from the
closet. But don’t go getting ahead of yourself just yet. Before you head out for a night on the
town, you have another place to visit first. Don’t worry, I’m not going to take you back through
torturous breakup hell or anything unbearable like that. No, this time you’re going to go deep
inside a place that’s more beautiful, more exquisite, and more delightful than you’ve ever
imagined. You’ll be absolutely amazed at what it has to offer.
The place? You. You’re going to venture inside of yourself for a bit, and I’ll be with you
every step of the way. (Just in case you’ve buried some skeletons that might jump out at you.)
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Chapter 12:
Time Out
Sometimes big girls need them too, you know.
L
ike I mentioned in The Badass Breakup Rules That Don’t Suck, the state of on-ness is all
around you. More than likely, you were in a constant state of on-ness during all five stages of
breakup hell-mentally, physically and emotionally. Now, you’re going to turn yourself off for a
while.
You’ve just survived one of the hardest (if not the hardest) emotional experiences of your
life. You deserve to stop for a while and take a much deserved time out. Big girls usually never
get them, so take this rare opportunity while you can, sister. Think about how many times in
the past you’ve wished you could just take a time out from your regular life but couldn’t,
because of you many personal and/or professional obligations. So, consider this big girl time
out a real treat. A retreat, even. Go up on the mountain top (like Martin Luther King did when
he wrote I Have a Dream), or if you relate more to the Buddha, pretend you’re a monk and go
into your cave to contemplate the meaning of life.
This is all figuratively speaking, of course, but you can create your own version of “going
up on the mountain top” or “into the cave” by embracing silence for a set amount of time. I’m
not suggesting that you ignore your responsibilities, of course. You probably have a job that
needs you and you may have kids who need their mom, too.
What I am suggesting, however, is that you take a mental, physical, and emotional time
out from the worries, stresses, and demands of your world as much as you possibly can. Tone
things down a bit. Say no to things you don’t absolutely have to do. Stay at home as much as
possible. Let the crazy world run without you for a while. I promise it will be just as crazy as
ever when you return to it.
For me, thirty days felt right. I had moved back to my home state after being away for over
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a decade, and I was living in a house located on a country road. It was twenty minutes away
from almost anything I needed to get to on a regular basis-the grocery store, the mall, a decent
restaurant. It was just perfect for me at the time. It was perfect that no one knew where to find
me, especially my ex.
I joked with my friends that I was in the witness protection program. As funny as that joke
was at the time, it wasn’t really a joke at all. I actually was witnessing something- I was
witnessing myself going through the most devastating event of my life. I was witnessing
myself after experiencing all five painful stages of breakup hell- shock, denial, anger,
depression, and (thank heavens) acceptance. And I was also witnessing myself begin to do
something amazing- start to heal.
Had I kept myself busy and in a state of on-ness to avoid witnessing myself after breakup
hell, I would never have begun to heal in just a short thirty days. Remember- The rest of your
big, beautiful life depends on you beating your broken heart and getting over your ex. You’ve
just been through hell and back and you need to rest. You also need to give yourself some time
to witness this new you who has come out the other side.
So give yourself a time out for this reflection, recharging, and repurposing of your life.
Thirty days might suffice, maybe sixty. Ninety, even. Regardless of the time amount you
prescribe to yourself, make sure to stick to it. Your body is tired, your mind has been
overloaded with angst and sadness, and your heart needs to heal.
You need to recharge yourself on the inside before you start taking on the world again.
There’s no hurry. The world isn’t going anywhere. It will still be there when you’re fully ready
to go back out into it. For now, spend time alone and continue to embrace this rare, beautiful
silence.
Here’s a list of healing solo activities to immerse yourself in during your big girl time out.
(Isn’t this great news? You don’t just have to go sit in the corner or write the same sentence on
a chalk board over and over and over again.) No. Big girl time outs are much cooler.
1.
Make something beautiful
Since you’re probably not feeling so hot right now, why not make something that is. Make
something as hot and beautiful as you want to feel again soon. Write, paint, or sew your little
heart out. This may sound trite, but this is actually one of the best ways to beat your broken
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heart before it beats you. By creating something hot and beautiful, you’ll be one step closer to
creating a feeling inside of you that’s hot and beautiful, too. This is one reason why we’re here,
baby. You’re here to be reminded of your inner beauty. (Credo #9: You’re beautiful.)
Previously in Chapter 5, you were encouraged to break several bad breakup rules that
suck-one in particular of keeping a journal. You were encouraged to break this bad breakup
rule if you don’t like to write, because doing something else that you hate right now doesn’t
make any damn sense at all. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t find a creative outlet to pour
your little heart into. You do need an outlet. You absolutely do need to pour out the feelings
that are in your heart, so that they don’t go ignored and left untreated. If you ignore your
feelings and leave them untreated, you run the risk of those same negative feelings making
you feel bad for years to come. Instead, you need a creative place to unleash your thoughts,
your grievances, and your sorrow.
You’re brilliant. You might not realize this, but you actually do have a creative bone in your
body. Quite a few, actually.
So if you want to write, then write. If you don’t want to write, then don’t. If you don’t want
to write, then pick another creative activity. Spray paint a few old pots a bright shade of red
and plant herbs inside of them. Break some old plates and grout them back together into a
tiled mosaic. Dust off the cookbook hiding on your bookshelf and try that delicious looking
recipe you’ve always wanted to try. There are tons of ways to tap into your inner creative
brilliance. For more inspiration, pick up a do-it-yourself magazine or look online for some
artsy blogs full of fresh ideas.
The possibilities are endless, and you never know where the creative path will lead you. In
fact, when my ex told me that he didn’t want to get married anymore, I started to write. I’d
always journaled and had even published a few articles, but when he told me he didn’t want to
get married anymore, I dove into writing head first and started a blog. For inspiration on what
to write about, I also decided to go to yoga every day for a year and write about my experience.
At the end of the year, I hadn’t written every day nor gone to yoga every day, either. But
my writing had been accepted by a popular website, and I became a regular contributing
writer. My dreams of becoming a published author and writing a book were well under way.
You never know where you’ll end up in your creative pursuits. Just do something creative
to spark your brilliant juices. The brilliant energy that you’ll create in the process is also the
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energy that will beat your broken heart and help you become more brilliant than ever before.
(Credo #10: You’ll be brilliant without him.)
2.
Purge
There are few things in the world as satisfying as cleaning out your crap. Especially when you
want to get rid of the crap you feel inside, too. So when you feel like crap, clean out your crap!
You’ll be amazed at how much stuff you never use, forgot you had, and will never use again.
Have you ever heard the saying “Messy bed, messy head?” Think about that for a minute.
It may sound silly, but it’s catchy, easy to remember, and totally true.
The space we live in creates an energy around us, which in turn, affects the energy in our
body and the energy in our spirit. If you physically clean up the mess in your house, you’ll
energetically clean up the mess in your head. If you physically lighten the load in your house,
you energetically lighten the load in your heart. If you physically de-clutter the space in your
house, you’ll energetically create the space in your life for something new to arrive.
Think: Old with the old, in with the new! Out with the heavy, burdensome baggage of your
ex, and in with the new, uplifting possibilities of a new handsome hunk.
So start purging, girlfriend! I suggest using three piles: Shit You Love, Shit to Ditch, and
Shit You’re Not Sure About. Go through your closets, your garage, and the trunk of your car,
and put everything into one of the three piles. When you’re done, go through the Shit You
Love pile again and do it all over again-put everything into one of the three piles. You’ll
probably lighten your load even more.
Don’t keep it if you don’t absolutely love the shit out of it. That means that you absolutely
love everything about it. That doesn’t mean that you will love it when you’re 10 pounds
lighter, or that you might love it again if it comes back in style. If you don’t absolutely love the
shit out of it right now, then ditch it. (Then, pause. Make a mental note to do this with men,
too- Ditch them if you don’t love absolutely everything about them just the way they are!)
After you make that mental note (remembering as well that you can’t change anyone,
either), go through the Shit You’re Not Sure About pile. Decide what you absolutely love (right
now, not when something changes), and ditch the rest.
By this point, you should have a hell of a lot of crap in your Shit To Ditch pile. Hopefully
what you’ve decided to keep is only what you love, only what you don’t have to change
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yourself for, and only what makes you feel really, really, good. Take a moment to enjoy your
lightened load, both in your house and in your heart. And remember that you’re beautiful just
the way you are.
3.
Make a Tada List
Now that you’re done purging everything around you that doesn’t serve your highest and best
self (a.k.a. ridded yourself of the crap that doesn’t make you feel really, really good right
now), it’s time to start making a list of all the things your beautiful little heart desires. Surely,
there are things that you haven’t done or places you haven’t seen yet that you’re just dying to
do or see. Whatever they are, write them down. Make a list of all the things you dream about
having, seeing, or doing at some point in your big, beautiful life.
Don’t skip this time out task. This is your hearts desire for goodness sake! Your heart may
have been broken, but it’s desire didn’t fall out of it. So let your heart know that you still care
about its many desires by writing them all down on a Tada List. Let your heart know that
everything is going to be ok, and that you’re actively looking towards the future at ways to
make it happy again.
Do this even if you don’t feel like it or think it’s silly. Do this for your heart. Write down all
its desires, no matter how big or small. Do you dream of starting your own clothing line or
opening a clothing boutique? Have you always wanted to learn how to make sushi or learn a
foreign language? Do you want to take belly dancing classes or hike the Appalachian Trail?
Whatever your dreams are, write them down on your tada list. Don’t feel pressured to run
right out and start doing any of them right now, however. For now, just keep writing down
your dreams and desires. The only requirement here is that you write them down!
A big, roomy mediterranean house? A room with a view? Kids? A man who’ll love you
forever? Write them down. It’s fun and it feels good, too. Most importantly, your list will
declare to the universe what you desire the most in life. The Universe is on your side,
remember? (Credo #2.)
Your ta-da list is a reminder to yourself that you’re still full of hope, you’re still busting
with desire, and you’re still looking forward to many wonderful things in your future. You’ve
already physically purged what doesn’t serve your highest and best self. You’ve also
energetically created the space in your life for something new and spectacular to emerge. So
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make your tada list, and check it twice. The Universe is coming to town.
4.
Practice gratitude
When you’re in the throws of a breakup, being grateful is a hard thing to do. It’s hard to see
past the muck, the madness, and the massive amount of pain. But (hopefully), you’re through
the painful throws of breakup hell by now. It’s time to be grateful again, girlfriend.
Practicing gratitude is as simple as a big smile and a “thank you” to the store clerk. It’s as
easy as looking out of the window on a sunny day and appreciating mother nature for a bright
blue sky. Gratitude is one of the most simple feelings that can be created throughout the day,
yet gratitude is often the most overlooked feeling, too.
When you overlook gratitude, you also overlook yourself. There’s a universal truth that
you get what you give. Think about that for a minute. If you get what you give, and you aren’t
giving gratitude, then what are you getting? You’re not being appreciated, that’s for sure! And
everyone wants to be appreciated- being appreciated is a basic human need.
Take some time during your time out to be more grateful. If you’ve taken to list building
after making your tada list, then make a gratitude list, too. Remember- you get what you
give. So start giving more gratitude, being more gracious, and recognizing all of the things in
your life that don’t suck as much as your breakup did. You’ll be pleasantly surprised how
quickly the world starts to appreciate you more in return.
5.
Give yourself some loving
Breaking up with someone you love can cause extreme feelings of inadequacy, rejection, and
insecurity- feelings that make you feel anything but loved. Chances are, you’re battling one or
all of these emotions right now. The good news is that these scary feelings can and will go
away. The bad news is that, often times, they don’t just go away on their own. These feelings
need to be addressed, corrected, and changed into feel-good feelings instead.
How do you change the feelings of indecency, rejection, and insecurity into feel-good
ones?
You change these negative feelings the same way you would change something in another
area of your life. First, you decide that you want the change or that you desire something. This
is your conscious decision. Next, you make a plan. Your plan is more than likely a list of
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actions that you must take in order to successfully change what it is that you desire to change
or achieve. Then, you start taking action towards what you desire by performing the actions
on your list.
Say, for example, that you’re a runner. You run a few times a week for about three miles
and have been doing this off and on for about ten years. You don’t necessary love to run, but
you do it because you have to do something for the exercise. Then one day, you notice a very
stunning runner (who’s about your age), who floats past you as you’re dying to finish your last
mile. She’s tanned, toned, and totally fit. She floats past you as though the wind is carrying
her along towards her destination, effortlessly and elegantly. You long for her energy, her
speed, and her ultra-sexy legs. But instead, you continue your run/shuffle, panting like a dog
in heat and praying that you’re almost finished.
When you arrive at your three mile destination, your body is heavy. You look over and see
the gorgeous running goddess, who’s apparently done with her run as well. She’s stretching in
the shade under a tree. By this time, you’re dying to know how she does it- how she runs so
effortlessly and how far she can actually go. So, you ask her. And she tells you that, not only
did she just run her first marathon, but she only started running three months ago.
“What?” you say. “How is that even possible?” Her response is simple. “I just made up my
mind one day to do it.”
This marathon runner took the three steps mentioned above to turn herself into a
marathon runner. First, she had the desire to run a marathon (or get into kick ass shape or
some other underlying desire). Second, she made a plan, which probably included a running
schedule and/or working with a running coach. And third, she started taking the actions
towards her desire (i.e. she got off her ass and started to make it happen.)
So what does this marathon runner have to do with you getting rid of your feelings of
indecency, rejection, and insecurity?
Well, just like the marathon runner changed her body, you can change your feelings. In
particularly, you can change the thoughts in your mind in order to chance the feelings in your
body. You can do this by using the same three steps to making a change that were mentioned
above.
This is where most people get confused. Taking action to change your mind (i.e. your
thoughts), seems much different than taking action towards a physical goal (i.e. getting your
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body in kick ass shape). But the two have a great deal in common. Think for a moment of your
mind as a muscle, and just like the other muscles in your body, it’s either fit or it’s frail.
Often times after a breakup, the mind is rather frail. You’re mentally exhausted, making it
extra hard to feel good and extra easy to feel bad. The most critical thing you can do for
yourself right now is to strengthen your mind and get rid of any negative feelings you’re
harboring as a result of your breakup.
You do this by giving yourself some good loving. Interpret that how you want, but for the
purpose of this exercise, you’re going to learn how to meditate. Please don’t let this word freak
you out. You’re not being asked to change your religion or chant in some weird foreign
language while wearing a robe. You’re just being asked to give yourself some loving with a
loving-kindness meditation. It’s designed to get rid of your feelings of inadequacy, rejection,
and insecurity and replace these feelings with safety, security, and love- all in a swift twenty
minutes or less. (If you’re about to skip this section because you think meditation is for
weirdos, don’t! This is quite possibly the most life-changing advice in this book.)
Think about how many things you do in twenty minutes or less- dry you hair, put on your
makeup, pick out sexy little numbers to wear. Getting your body ready for the day makes you
feel good about yourself, doesn’t it? Well then, think about meditation as getting your mind
ready for the day. You’ll prepare the mind to feel good about yourself, just like you prepare the
body in order to feel good about how you look. With a quick, twenty-minute loving-kindness
meditation, you’ll prepare your mind with enough energy to last you throughout your day.
(And I can promise you that these feel-good feelings will last a whole lot longer than your lip
gloss ever will.)
To do this super easy loving-kindness meditation, fill in the following phrases with words
that describe how you want to feel again. Words like happy, love, peace, joy, safe, strong, and
secure.
May I be _____.
May I have ____.
Create three to five phrases using different words that resonate with you- emotions or
feelings that you want to have in your life again. Memorize the phrases, find a comfy chair or
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pillow on the floor to sit on, and set a timer for 15-20 minutes. Close your eyes, and repeat the
phrases until the timer goes off. When you open your eyes, sit for just a moment as your eyes
readjust to the light. Notice the sensations of love, compassion, and peace that you’ve created
throughout your body.
Sure, it will take some time getting used to meditating. Your mind will wonder, you'll
sometimes forget the phrases, and you'll most certain have days that are more difficult to
meditate than others. Eventually your mind will surrender to the meditation, just like you had
to surrender to your breakup. And when it does, these new loving thoughts will begin to sooth
your worried mind, calm your anxious body, and uplift your saddened soul.
The loving-kindness meditation has been used around the world for hundreds of years.
There are many phrases that you can use, so feel free to adjust them if something else comes
to mind.
Don’t let another day pass without trying this meditation. If you want to heal and be
happy again as quick as possible, then do this meditation every day during your time out.
There’s no better way to get over your ex, beat your broken heart, and move on with your big,
beautiful life.
Love yourself enough to stop your suffering- all it takes is twenty minutes a day.
E
xtra Good
Self-Love Bonus
Now that you’ve been brave enough to give meditation a try (possibly for the very first time),
reward yourself with some extra good loving. Get a full body massage, or perform one on
yourself. If you choose the latter, go all the way, girl! Don’t hold back. Light a few candles,
take out some oil, and get busy.
Remember those nifty electronic devices that were mentioned in Chapter 2? Well, reach in
that nightstand of your and pull it out. Just because your ex isn’t around anymore doesn’t
mean that wonderful toy should just sit there and collect dust. Use it on yourself, honey. If you
don’t have one, take a trip to your local toy store or order yourself a vibrating joy stick off the
internet. Quickly. After everything you’ve been through lately, you deserve a happy ending.
(Or three.)
Pleasuring yourself sexually right now is a must. You’ll create more good feelings in your
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body, giving you both a mental and a physical boost. Giving yourself some extra good loving
will also rev up your engine, reminding you that you’re still hot and you’ve still got it going on.
Because you do. You do still have it going on. You’re sexy, you’re hot, and you’re totally
irresistible.
************ How to Take a Big Girl Time Out************
Sure, you could run out and buy yourself a new pair of shoes. But do they really make
you feel better? Time outs sure as hell do!
1.
Make something beautiful. You and your ex made a beautiful mess, now it’s time to
make something worth keeping.
2.
Purge. You’ve put up with enough useless crap from your ex, so get rid of the other
useless crap you have in your closets.
3.
Make a Tada List. The Universe is all ears.
4.
Practice gratitude. What you give is what you get.
5.
Give yourself some loving. (Don’t forget the batteries.)
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Chapter 13:
Oops, You Did It Again
Sorry to compare you to Brittany.
But girl, you sure did do it again.
D
uring your much needed time out, you’ll probably find yourself obsessing over your
breakup. You’ll be preoccupied with thoughts of your ex, and he’ll probably dominate your
mind the majority of the time. Thinking about your relationship and why it failed is
completely normal. Obsessing over your ex and your failed relationship is the second step of a
breakup rebirth.
If you’re asking yourself any of these questions, you’re probably obsessing over your
breakup:
Why did he leave me?
Why did he stop loving me?
Why did he cheat on me?
Why did he shut down emotionally?
Why did he treat me so poorly?
It’s completely normal to ask these questions after a breakup. Most people, in some way or
another, ask themselves questions after a breakup that begin with the word “why”- why this,
or why that. But while these questions might be normal, they’re not healthy. Not only are they
not healthy, they most certainly won’t help you get over your ex and beat your broken heart,
either. Rather, they may turn your horrible breakup into an even more horrible breakdown.
You absolutely must stop asking these types of questions in order to save yourself from a
mental breakdown. You’ve already taken a huge step towards your breakup recovery by
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purchasing this badass book and (hopefully), using the advice on its pages. Don’t stop now.
Just stop asking these types of questions.
Why? (Pun intended.) Why should you stop asking these questions? Because you simply
cannot answer them. You probably don’t want to hear this either, but you might not ever be
able to answer them.
The faster you come to terms with this, the faster you’ll stop feeling like you’re going
absolutely mad. You bought this book to beat your broken heart, remember? The only way to
beat your broken heart before it beats you is to stop asking questions that you simply cannot
answer, and start asking questions that you actually can.
There are few things more frustrating than not finding the answer to something you’re just
dying to know. Your mind will run in circles, endlessly chasing the same unanswered
question. Remember Chapter 9: The Looney Bin, and don’t keep doing the same thing over
and over again expecting different results.
Accept this truth right now- You will never know the answers to these types of questions.
So stop trying to answer them, before you go even more crazy than you’re already feeling.
You don’t want to end up in the same looney bin as you were in during breakup hell. If you
do, you’ll be even closer to a mental breakdown than you were back then. You’ll again be
crying over that bastard who dumped you and you’ll have no end in sight. Unless, of course,
you take this advice and stop asking yourself questions that you simply aren’t capable of
answering. So stop this madness and save yourself from a potential breakdown.
H
ow to Break Up
and Not Down
To break up (rather than breakdown), obsess instead over questions that you actually can
answer. Ask yourself questions that invoke self-reflection and require personal inquiry. Ask
yourself questions that take you using your insight to answer. The right questions to ask
yourself after a breakup are directed at you, not to your ex.
Essentially, the right questions will turn your obsessing over your breakup into assessing
it instead.
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T
he Right Questions
to Ask After a Breakup:
Do I truly believe that a man will stay and love me forever?
Do I truly believe that I deserve to be loved?
Do I truly believe that men can be honest and faithful?
Do I truly believe that I’m attractive enough?
Do I truly believe that I’m good enough?
Did you notice the change in all of these questions from he to I? Can you see this main
difference in all of these questions? Do you see that the wrong questions have the word “he” in
the them, and that the right questions have the word “I” in them?
That’s because this is a self-assessment, not a ex-obsession. There’s a huge difference in
the two. The former will result in a breakup, in which you develop into a stronger, more selfaware woman. The latter will result in a breakdown, and your broken heart will most certainly
beat you.
When you ask yourself the right questions after a breakup, you begin the healthy process
of self-inquiry and self-examination. You become a researcher within your own mind. The
goal of this researcher is to find clues to the way your mind thinks. Often times, these
thoughts are buried very deep in your subconscious mind, so deep that you aren’t even aware
that they are exist. These thoughts might include:
All men cheat.
My parents relationship didn’t last, so mine won’t either.
I’m not attractive enough for a man.
I’m not lovable enough to be anyone’s girlfriend or wife.
What will your researcher find? What thoughts are buried deep inside that pretty little
head of yours, huh? Maybe you have thoughts of being incomplete, like “As soon as I find
someone to love me, I’ll be happy.” Maybe you have thoughts of being worthy, like “My father
didn’t love me enough, so no man ever will.” Or maybe your thoughts are full of hopelessness,
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such as “I deserve to be alone anyhow.”
Whatever thoughts you and your researcher find, just accept them for what they are- just
thoughts. Nothing more. These thoughts aren’t permanent. We’ll talk more about how to
change your thoughts later. For now, just accept whatever thoughts you may have about
yourself and your relationships and keep asking yourself insight-provoking questions in order
to discover more and more of them. The more insight-provoking questions you ask yourself,
the more you’ll discover thoughts that you have about your life and the relationships in it.
Once you’ve discovered a few of your thoughts that are buried inside your head, such as
“All men cheat,” or “I’ll never find a man who’ll love me forever,” I want you to label them.
This is really, really easy, because there’s only one label. The label?
Limiting belief.
S
elf-Limiting Beliefs
These types of thoughts are called limiting beliefs. Why are they limiting? Because they limit
you from thinking anything else about yourself. Why are they beliefs? Because you’ve been
thinking them over and over for years and years, until one day you started believing them, too.
At this point, you may be wondering why these thoughts are all that much of a problem.
You’ve been living with them most of your life, so why should you care so much at this point?
The big deal is that these thoughts limit you. They limit you from getting what it is that you
truly want (a man that doesn’t cheat). They limit your from believing in what you truly want (a
man who’ll love you forever). And the limit you from ever having what it is that you truly want
(being so happy you almost burst).
Limiting beliefs will keep you from having the things that you want the most, whether you
want love, security, honesty, fidelity, or marriage. Why? Because you’ll constantly be proving
yourself right.
If you’ve convinced yourself that you’re not good enough, lovable enough, worthy enough,
or whatever enough, then every time you get into a relationship with a man, you’ll be trying to
prove yourself right. You’ll attract men who’ll treat you like crap, because you don’t think
you’re worthy of being treated any better. You’ll attract men who will eventually cheat on you,
because you don’t think you’re good enough to keep him from straying. You’ll attract men who
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Al l Rights Reser ved. 7 7
will one day walk out on you, because you don’t believe that deep down you’re lovable enough
to be with forever.
Or, you’ll get into a relationship and create situations that result in proving yourself right.
You’ll pick fights. You’ll constantly question what he’s doing and who he’s doing it with. You’ll
start acting out in ways that will make him want to leave you, even if this was never his
intention to begin with. Would you rather be loved or be right?
This is a harsh reality to accept, which is why this type of self-inquiry is absolutely critical
at the end of a breakup. Self-awareness is the key to your beautiful breakup rebirth, so don’t
skip this extremely enlightening step even if you think you’ve done it before. The time you
spent with your ex was plenty of time to develop another self-limiting belief. Make sure that
you spend enough time in self-inquiry (healthy obsession) to uncover all the limiting beliefs
you may have about yourself. Soon, you’ll have the chance to change your limiting beliefs into
limitless possibilities for your future.
For now, continue to uncover your thoughts and let them out. They’ve been hiding inside
of you for long enough. Accept them, and let them be for a while. Just like having to accept the
end of your relationship, these thoughts and limiting beliefs are what they are. Say to
yourself, “Yes! I have a limiting belief. And it is what it is.”
Your limiting beliefs, though counterproductive to what you really want, have a great deal
to teach you. Let them out, and learn from them. Observe how they make you feel. Notice
their characteristics. Where did they come from? Who put them there? What do they mean?
You’ll find the answers. Remember Credo #4, and Trust the process.
T
he Beautiful Thing
Called Self-Awareness
Self Awareness is the first step in a Breakup Rebirth. It’s the first step in any total life
transformation, actually. During a breakup rebirth, your goal is to breakup into a more selfaware, brilliant version of yourself. The more self-aware that you become as a result of your
breakup, the more brilliant you become. And the more brilliant you become, the more wisdom
you’ll have to take with you into your next relationship.
Brilliant people are self-aware people. The two qualities go hand in hand. By becoming
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self-aware, you begin to transform into the highest and best version of yourself (your inner
brilliance). You’ll also attract other brilliant people into your life, both men and women,
because like attracts like. So the more you tap into your inner brilliance, the more brilliant
people you’ll attract into your life as a result.
Imagine how much easier your next relationship will be if you become self-aware, start
operating from your inner brilliance, and as a result, attract a man who’s being his highest and
best self, too.
By practicing self-inquiry and becoming more self-aware, you’ll eventually become this
highest and best version of yourself. Your highest self knows what “serves” her best interest
and what suffocates her best interest. She also knows who serves her becoming even more
brilliant and who derails her from her brilliance. And when things go awry, her brilliant,
highest and best self knows the best questions to ask herself in order to grow, learn, and
transform into someone even more brilliant than she was before.
Your highest and best self can answer any insight-provoking question that you toss her
way. She’s curious, insightful, and strong. She’s forever tapped into a higher source of power
and spirit, too. No matter your religious or spiritual beliefs, there’s a version of the highest
and best self (the source) that can be accessed at any time.
So tap into this source, develop a keen sense of self-awareness, and breakup into the
highest and best version of yourself. You’ll be one step further away from being a brokendown, crazy bitch, and one step closer to breaking up into a brilliant, badass babe.
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************* How to Break Up and Not Down************
To cultivate a keener sense of awareness around why your relationship with your ex
didn’t work out, try this five part exercise:
1.
Take out a piece of paper and write down any questions you’re trying to answer about
your ex. (Why did he leave me? Why did he stop loving me? Why did he cheat on
me?)
2.
Cross through the questions and replace them with questions that are directed
towards you instead. (Do I think that all men will eventually walk out? Do I think
that I’m unlovable? Do I think that all men cheat?)
3.
Answer the new questions with a statement. This may take some time and it may also
be uncomfortable at first. (I don’t think a man will ever stay with me forever. I don’t
deserve to be loved. All men will eventually cheat on me.) Remember that these are
only thoughts and can be changed.
4.
Make a determination of where the thought came from. (My dad abandoned us
when I was little, so I didn’t trust my ex not to walk out either. I was never good
enough for my parents, so I never felt good enough for my ex. I’ve been cheated on
before, and I was constantly worried that my ex would cheat on me, too.)
5.
Congratulate yourself for being bold enough to recognize your limiting beliefs and
brave enough to admit them.
Now, burn the list. It’s time to change your limiting beliefs.
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Chapter 14:
The Big O
You didn’t think this book would end
without one, did you?
A
fter the last chapter, you deserve the release of a Big O. Bringing awareness to difficult
thoughts can be quite intense. Often, becoming self-aware brings up painful memories of the
past. If this is happening to you, don’t fret. This is a normal reaction to becoming aware of
your self-limiting beliefs. If you are having an extremely difficult time with this, seek
professional help.
Remember- Your limiting beliefs are only thoughts. They're not permanent. Don’t judge
them, and just let them be for now.
Here’s a fun exercise to pull you away from your limiting beliefs for a bit. Close your eyes.
Imagine that you’ve become a super hero. (Think Wonder Woman or She-Ra). Feel the
strength that runs through your body and how powerful you feel from the inside out. Nothing
can harm you, no one can endanger you, and the world around you is perfectly safe.
Once you’ve tapped into your super power (a.k.a. Your Inner Badass), open your eyes.
Take a look around the room and notice what’s there. Everything is the same, right? The walls
are the same color, the sofa is made out of the same material, and the floors are still made of
wood. The ceiling fan is still turning, the clock is still ticking, and the cat is still curled up next
to you.
But something has changed. The most important thing in the room has changed. You.
You’ve changed. You’ve tapped into your inner badass and stepped back into your personal
power. The power that quite possibly, was taken from you a long time ago.
No, your ex didn’t take it. The one before him didn’t, either. No one took your personal
power away from you. Unfortunately, you took it away from yourself. By believing in your
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(many) limiting beliefs, you gave away your personal power. This power is what gives you the
ability to be your highest and best self. Your highest and best self wants you to be happy. Your
highest and best self wants you to be loved. Your highest and best self sure as hell doesn’t
want you to keep repeating the same patterns that resulted in you having to read this breakup
book.
When you gave away your personal power to your limiting beliefs, you essentially gave
away your decision making power, too. You gave away your power to chose to be your highest
and best self. You were no longer making the decisions in your life- your limiting beliefs were
making them. And when your limiting beliefs are making the decisions, they form a story
around what you think is possible and not possible regarding your life and the relationships in
it. These stories spill over into your love life, and may also be partly to blame for the demise of
the relationship with your ex.
W
hat’s Your Story
The stories that you tell yourself about what is or isn’t possible in your life sound something
like this:
If my dad would’ve been home more when I was growing up, then...
If my mother wouldn’t have been so damn critical, then...
If my parents hadn’t divorced, then...
If my ex hadn’t cheated on me, then...
If my dad wasn’t a raging alcoholic, then...
“But, my ex did lie, and he did cheat, and he did have a ton of his own issues,” you might
be thinking.
Of course your ex had his own issues. More than likely, your ex is suffering from the same
types of self-limiting beliefs that you are currently suffering from. But you’re not reading this
breakup book to fix your ex’s issues, nor are you reading this book to make him feel better.
You’re reading this badass breakup book because you want to beat your broken heart, not his.
You’re reading this book because you want to finally heal your heart for real, not his. And the
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only way to beat your broken heart and heal it for real, is to start taking responsibility for
everything that has “happened” to you during the course of your life and that “happened” to
you while you were with your ex.
That’s right. Responsibility. The Big O in this chapter’s title stands for ownership. Right
now, you’re going to start taking ownership for all the things that went wrong with your ex.
So, you were in a relationship with yet another alcoholic. Is it because your dad was one,
too? Are you trying to fix him like you always wished you could fix your father? Own it.
So, your ex cheated on you. Has another man cheated on you, too? Did your dad cheat on
your mom, and now you think that it’s the norm? Own it.
So, your ex blew up on you constantly and said hurtful things. Did you constantly lash out
at him first and take things out on him? Is it because you grew up fighting with your dad
and haven’t learned to deal with your anger? Own it.
So, you drove your ex crazy because you never trusted where he was or who he was with.
Do you know a ton of women who’ve been lied to and cheated on by their husbands? Do you
not trust men now? Own it.
So, your ex constantly needed space from you. Did you not get enough attention as a
child? Are you insecure when you’re not the center of attention? Own it.
So, you thought your ex didn’t find you attractive, and you worried he didn’t want to have
sex with you anymore. Were you picked on in grade school for what you looked like? Are you
still insecure about your appearance? Own it.
So, you were jealous of your ex’s friends and never wanted him to go anywhere without
you. Were you constantly scared that you’d lose your ex to something more exciting than
you? Do you not think you’re worth staying with? Own it.
So, you kept going back to your ex, even though he was abusing you emotionally (or,
heaven forbid, physically). Did you grow up in a abusive family? Do you now lack self-love
and self-respect because you were mistreated as a child? Own it.
Maybe you have a different story than the ones mentioned above. Maybe you have multiple
stories. No matter what your story is, though, it’s time to stop allowing it to run your life. It’s
time for you to take ownership in the fact that your story took it’s toll on your relationship
with your ex, and it’s time for you to start changing your story so that your self-limiting beliefs
don’t get in the way of your next one.
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D
rop Your Story, Sister
How do you change your story? You change your story by tapping into your Inner Badassthe strong, insightful woman who lives inside of you. She’s one part personal power, one part
your highest and best self, and all parts totally badass. Your inner badass is the part of you
who can put her foot down and make the decision to stop believing in your self-limiting beliefs
and poor-me stories.
So it’s time to tap into your inner badass, baby. She’s ready to take back your personal
power and start making wise decisions, but she needs your help before she can create a badass
future relationship for you. She desperately needs you to drop your poor-me stories. She
desperately needs you to drop these stories, before they keep her from making your next
relationship the most badass one yet.
Your inner badass wants you to know that you’re so much better than any of your poor-me
stories. She wants you to have the most beautiful, badass life full of love, laughter, and a ton of
joy. Help her do this for you- help your inner badass give you the most amazing future by
taking ownership of your life thus far and dropping your poor-me stories.
As soon as you drop your poor-me stories, you take back your decision making power, too.
Your poor-me stories are centered around your self-limiting beliefs. When you gave your
personal power away to your self-limiting beliefs, you also gave your power away to choose
what kind of relationship you attracted into your life.
In order to attract a healthy, loving relationship in the future, you absolutely must take
back your power to choose. Your self-limiting beliefs have been making decisions for you
without your knowledge. These beliefs have convinced you that your poor-me stories are your
reality and that you’ll never be able to change your reality in the future.
But this just isn’t the case. You absolutely can escape your self-limiting beliefs and create a
totally different reality in your future relationships. Your inner badass wants this for you very
much. She wants you to be happy, she wants you to be loved, and she wants you to be set free
from your inhibiting self-limiting beliefs and poor-me stories.
Are you ready to drop your story? Are you ready to stop being a victim of these stories and
start creating a more brilliant future instead?
There’s no such thing as a brilliant victim. Your poor-me, victim stories have given you a
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thinking problem. Yes, a thinking problem. Your limiting beliefs have given you a thinking
problem that has caused you to struggle in your relationships with men.
So by ridding yourself of your self-limiting beliefs, you rid yourself of your thinking
problem and set yourself free from the state of victimhood that you’re currently boxed into.
Thus, opening the door to a more brilliant future, one where your highest and best self can
shine.
Drop your story, and while you’re at it drop your blame, too. There’s nothing brilliant
about blame, either. Sure, your ex is probably to blame about many things that went wrong in
your relationship. But again, we’re not here to work on your ex.
Your ex is of no consequence anymore. It doesn’t matter who did what, who said what, or
who walked out on who first. What matters is that you stop playing the blame game and start
playing the brilliant game of personal responsibility instead.
So own your shit, sister. You’ve been trusting the process thus far (hopefully), so this is a
crucial step in your beautiful, badass transformation. It’s a step that will serve your highest
and best self and a step that will help you become the most brilliant version of yourself
possible.
Taking ownership for your past and for all your mistakes in your relationship with your ex
will set you up for a brilliant future. You’ll be aware of what went wrong before, and you’ll be
able to make conscious, healthy decisions on what happens in your next relationship.
You don’t want to keep repeating old patterns, do you? (Or have to read this breakup book
again, do you?)
I didn’t think so. You’re much more badass than that.
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*********** How to Create a Big, Beautiful Life **********
To drop your story, take your power back, and create your big, beautiful future, try the
following exercise:
1.
Take out a piece of paper and write down any story about yourself that does not serve
your highest and best self. (If I hadn't grown up fighting with my father, then... If my
father hadn't left when I was young, then...)
2. Next,
think about how those stories from your past affected your relationship with
your ex, and form a sentence of ownership around it. (I grew up fighting with my dad,
so I constantly lashed out at my ex. I didn't get enough attention as a child, so I was
constantly insecure that my ex didn't love me enough.
3. Pause
for a moment. Don't be too hard on yourself. The people in your past (your
parents, your exes), were all just master teachers in disguise.
4. Tap
into your inner badass for strength and personal power. It's time to take your
power back. It's time to start making conscious choices and not let your self-limiting
beliefs run your relationships any longer.
5.
On the same piece of paper, cross through your poor-me stories and turn then into
power stories instead. (It hurt to not be given enough love when I was young, so I'm
the most loving, caring person when I'm in a relationship! Fighting with my dad was
torturous when I was little, so I'm the most peaceful and objective person when I'm in
a relationship!)
Remember- You get what you give.
So if you want more love, give more love! If you want more peace, give more peace!
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Chapter 15:
The Bitch Stops Here
Not my bitching, but yours. Your bitching
stops here. Right here, right now.
Y
ou may have heard the saying “The buck stops here” that former President Truman coined
while in office. If someone brought an issue to him, he vowed never to “pass the buck” onto
another person. Instead, he took responsibility for the issue, regardless of who was actually to
blame. Not only would he take responsibility of the issue, but he would also spend his time
trying to fix it.
Well, you’ve started to do this yourself in the last chapter. You took responsibility for your
breakup, and you stopped throwing blame onto your ex. (Hopefully.) You recognized things
that you did to create the problems in the relationship, and you made a conscious decision to
not let your self-limiting beliefs get in the way of any future relationships.
This is quite a feat. Actually, this is a celebration! Only the bravest, strongest, and most
brilliant women on earth ever accomplish such a transformational feat. You’re one in a billion,
remember? You’re so darn unique and special that the next man in your life is going to be one
lucky fella.
But before you wander off trying to find him, you have one more courageous thing to do.
Can you handle it? You’ve already come this far. Why turn back now? Why turn back if you’ve
already worked this hard to turn your blame into ownership? Why not do this one last step in
your brilliant, badass transformation?
The last step of your breakup rebirth is to unchain your heart. You’ve already looked deep
inside of it and become aware of your self-limiting beliefs. You’ve already realized how these
self-limiting beliefs do not serve your highest and best self. And you’ve already taken
ownership of how these same self-limiting beliefs negatively affected the relationship with
El len Smo ak©
your ex.
But your heart can't return to normal and be ready to love again without taking the chains
off of it, too.
G
et Ready To
Love Again
You want to be ready to love again, don’t you? Of course you do. Everyone wants to be loved.
You may not be feeling loved right now, but you are. The very source from which you tapped
into your inner badass and summoned up your personal power is the same source that your
self-love comes from. You have a never-ending stream of this self-love that can be sourced
anytime you need it.
You’re loved unconditionally by this source, no matter your religious affiliations or
spiritual beliefs. It’s a constant source, regardless of what’s going on outside of you in the
external world. Unfortunately, your self-limiting beliefs and their consequential stories have
often kept you from feeling this love. They’ve also kept you from sometimes believing that this
love exists.
Your inner badass wants me to remind you that this love will always be with you, no
matter who breakups up with you, walks out on you, or stops loving you. Your self-love can
never be taken away, not by anyone or at anytime. Your inner badass wants you to start
tapping into this endless stream of self-love and never leave the well again.
Like attracts like, remember? So if you don’t fully love yourself, then who else will? How
can you expect a man to fully love you if you don’t fully love yourself first?
It’s time to love yourself fully. You’ve made a ton of progress throughout the past few
chapters. You should be very proud of yourself! But, you have one step to take. This step
cannot be skipped, or it could undo all the brilliant work that you’ve done so far to uncover
and rid yourself of your self-limiting beliefs. This is one giant step for you, but one enormous
step for your soul. It’s a step that will lead you towards a life of endless love and unwavering
joy.
The step? Forgiveness. By forgiving yourself and your ex for the mistakes you both made
in the relationship, you’ll remove the heavy chains around your heart. By forgiving your ex
El len Smo ak©
fully and completely, your heart will be able to heal fully and completely. And by forgiving
yourself fully and completely, you'll set your spirit free to both live and love fully and
completely again, too.
Again, you went out on a limb in your last relationship. Each time we decide to love
someone, we venture out on a limb, not knowing for sure if the branch will remain strong or
eventually break. And if the limb does in fact break, you have two choices: Fall and let it defeat
you, or learn how to fly.
A few chapters ago, you were reminded that now is the time that you learn how to fly.
Forgive your ex, forgive yourself, and you’ll not only fly- you'll soar.
U
nchain Your Heart
Forgiveness is a gift that you give yourself, not your ex. It has nothing to do with him.
Forgiveness does, however, have everything to do with you. It has everything to do with how
you’re feeling right now and how you’ll feel tomorrow. It has everything to do with what you’re
doing right now and what you’ll be doing tomorrow. It has everything to do with who you’re
with right now and who you’ll be with tomorrow.
Right now, you’re still fuming with anger and resentment. Right now, you’re being eaten
alive with regret. Right now, you’re riddled with pain and sorrow. Do you want to be feeling
these things tomorrow? What about next week, next month, or even next year?
If your answer is “no,” then you’re ready to forgive. You’re ready to move forward with love
instead of anger, hope instead of regret, and happiness instead of sorrow. You’re ready to
forgive-not for your ex’s sake, but for your sake. Forgiveness doesn’t have anything to do with
him, remember? This is your future, your happiness, and your love life that’s at stake.
Just to be clear, I’m not asking you to to pardon your ex. You’re not being asked to pardon
his wrongdoings or take him back after he treated you poorly. You can forgive your ex without
pardoning him for how he hurt you or mistreated you.
Why would you chose to forgive your ex if you aren’t going to pardon him for what he
did wrong?
You must forgive your ex, because the rest of your big, beautiful life depends on it.
Forgiveness is an act of kindness that you give to yourself. Forgiveness is also the act of letting
El len Smo ak©
go. To forgive, you let go of the negative emotions that surround the past. When you forgive,
you ditch the baggage, so to say. You throw away the emotional baggage that surrounds your
past relationship and removing all the negative emotions that go long with it.
These negative emotions (anger, resentment, jealously, shame, and sorrow), do not serve
your highest and best self, and they most certainly keep your inner badass from bringing you a
brilliant life full of love and happiness.
You inner badass can’t take you into a brilliant future, unless you help lighten her
emotional load by forgiving your ex. So ditch the baggage, baby. Ditch the emotional baggage
by forgiving your ex and letting go of your anger, resentment, jealousy, shame, and sorrow.
W
hat You Deserve
Forgiveness is an act of freedom and a place of peace. By forgiving your ex, you release any
last bit of attachment that you still have to him and to the relationship. By forgiving, you also
regain control of your destiny and the fate of your future relationships. You deserve only love,
remember? (Credo #7.) And you’re totally worth it, too. (Credo #8.)
You deserve to live a life full of love. You deserve to attract someone who will love you the
way you deserve to be loved. And you deserve to not keep limiting yourself from having these
things anymore, either.
Forgive, but don’t forget. You’ll want to remember all the wise and wonderful lessons that
this relationship has given you. Don’t be so hard on yourself, either. Mistakes are only lessons
that you haven’t learned yet. Everyone falls down from time to time. It’s whether or not you
let yourself lie there and get trampled on that counts.
So get up, girlfriend. Put on those sexy stilettos that are just dying to get out of the closet
and forgive him, already. While you’re at it, forgive yourself, too.
You did the best you could.
El len Smo ak©
******* How to Ditch the Baggage and Move On*******
1. Sit for a moment and become aware of the negative emotions that you still harbor
about your ex. Are you angry? Full of resentment? Write them down.
2. Next, bring awareness to the negative emotions that you still harbor towards
yourself regarding the relationship. Are you shameful? Full of regrets?
3. Remember that your ex was just a master teacher in disguise. Instead of being angry
and resentful, try feeling thankful and enlightened instead.
4. Remember that your mistakes are only lessons you haven't learned yet. Now with
your new found awareness relating to yourself and your breakup, spend some time
writing down these powerful lessons that you learned from your master teacher.
5. At the heart of forgiveness is love- love of yourself and love for all others. To cultivate
forgiveness and create an unlimited amount of love in your life, use this simple
mantra: I am love. Breathe love in, and breathe love out.
El len Smo ak©
Chapter 16:
There Is Only Love
And lust. There’s a whole lotta lust too.
N
ow that you’ve rid yourself of all your emotional baggage, you and your inner badass
should be feeling pretty damn good. You’ve just lost some serious weight! Not to mention the
weight of your ex. He sure was weighing you down towards the end, wasn’t he?
Now that you’re feeling much lighter emotionally, it’s time to enjoy being so light on your
feet, too. Your Breakup Rebirth has transformed you into a new version of yourself. A
stronger, wiser, and more enlightened version. There’s a reason the word enlightened has the
word light in it. It’s by becoming enlightened that we’re allowed to lighten up and enjoy our
life again. Since like attracts like, you’ll also be better positioned to attract other light people
into your life to enjoy it with you. Enough of both your own baggage and the baggage of other
men. You’re way too good for that now!
You’ve transformed. You’re brilliant. You’re a new you. Congrats. You broke up and not
down. You should be proud of yourself. Not everyone is so badass, you know! You’ve just
managed to turn a bitch-of-a-breakup into the best thing that’s ever happened to you. You
were smart enough and strong enough to realize that your relationship and your breakup were
all a necessary step in your big, beautiful life. You trusted the process (Credo #4) and now
you’re more brilliant without him. (Credo #10)
You’ve now entered your Breakup Brilliance. Rejoice in it! There’s nothing in the world as
strikingly beautiful as you. You’ve tapped into your inner badass, stepped back into your
personal power, sourced an endless supply of self-love, and shifted the thoughts in your mind
to pave the way towards a happy, healthy, loving future.
You’re a better woman to have known your ex. He was a gift. Your ex and the relationship
that you had with him was a gift of self-awareness and personal transformation. Without him,
El len Smo ak©
you may never have become aware of what’s been holding you back from experiencing true
happiness and everlasting love.
Sure, it’s bittersweet. You wanted true happiness and everlasting love with him. But until
you learn how to experience true happiness and everlasting love on your own first, you’ll have
trouble experiencing it with anyone else. You and your ex may have loved each other deeply,
but did you love yourself deeply as well? Had you ever peeled back the layers of your mind to
reveal your inner most thoughts? Did you realize what thoughts were getting in your way and
working against your highest self? Were you taking responsibility for your results instead of
blaming him?
Probably not, but you are now. You now know what’s holding you back from love. You now
know what’s holding you back from finding the right man- the man who’ll make you the
happiest girl in the world.
But don’t put this book down and rush out the door at a mad dash to search for him right
away. For now, stay tuned into yourself by practicing self-awareness, ownership, and
forgiveness. Reread this book as many times are you need to in order to fully uncover your
thoughts and self-limiting beliefs. They were holding you back from being happy and being
loved before, so do this work now before moving onto the next guy. You don’t want to reread
this book because you’re back in the same place a few months from now, do you?
This process of self-inquiry and personal growth is never ending, nor should it ever end.
There’s also only one relationship in the world that’s never ending as well. It’s the relationship
that you have with yourself.
So, get to know yourself. You’re going to be around yourself for a while. Practice the art of
self-inquiry. Don’t judge. Quit blaming everyone else. Own everything in your life up until
now and everything moving forward. Forgive yourself. Forgive everyone else, too. Have faith.
Stop every once in while and lighten up. The world loves an enlightened lady. If you screw up,
thank yourself. You won’t have to make that same mistake again. If you cry, don’t hold back.
When you laugh, don’t stop until you’re crying again. And when you fall in love again, trust
the process.
It doesn’t always have to be such a bitch.
El len Smo ak©
Wow!
Look at you, you hottie!
Welcome back.
Now get your badass self out
there again and make things happen.
And don’t forget to stay in touch.
I can be a bit bossy, you know.
El len Smo ak©

Ellen Smoak© All Rights Reserved. 1

Transcription

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