spouseless and struggling to fit it

the big issue
THE RESULTS OF AN EXTENSIVE
SURVEY ON CHRISTIAN
SINGLES HAVE SHOWN
KATHERINE BALDWIN THAT
HER OWN DIFFICULTIES ARE
WIDESPREAD IN THE CHURCH
SPOUSELESS
AND STRUGGLING
TO FIT IT
Families First – January/February 2015
page 9
D
espite my respect and
affection for the vicars at my
church, I can’t help but feel
a little excluded when they
refer in their sermons to
their wonderful wives and gorgeous kids.
And while I’m sure courses on marriage
are helpful, I’m often left wondering where
singles fit in. Then there are the cooking
rotas for parents with newborns or a
hospitalised spouse. Has anyone ever asked
whether busy, working singles would like a
casserole delivered now and then?
If you’re single and can relate to the above,
you’re by no means alone. More than four
in every 10 single churchgoers feel their
churches don’t know what to do with them,
new research has found, and more than a
third feel ignored.
Disillusioned single Christians are voting
with their feet, giving up on church because
they feel lonely, isolated, left out or think
they’ll never meet a mate – and the problem
looks set to get worse, says Dr David
Pullinger, an independent researcher and
writer on singleness issues.
‘The Church is simply failing to look
after the most vulnerable people in its
congregations,’ Pullinger says, pointing
to statistics that show that single people
(Christian or not) – have less wealth, worse
physical and mental health, and die younger,
on average, than those in relationships.
‘If the Church doesn’t get this right, single
people will leave – in fact, they’re already
leaving en masse,’ he adds, noting that one
in three adults in society is single, a number
that’s on the rise.
The age of 30 is a turning point when
many unmarried Christians abandon
church life. But older people – the widowed,
divorced or those who’ve never married –
also feel left out, according to a survey
of 3,000 single churchgoers by online
dating site Christian Connection
(www.christianconnection.com/uk).
WHAT’S GOING WRONG?
The survey wasn’t all bad news. Many singles
said they felt accepted in their churches and
praised those that made no distinction based
on marital status.
‘Some churches are very good and really
are inclusive, but other churches are not,’
says Pullinger, who is passionate about
taking best practice and applying it to
churches where single people struggle.
So where are churches going wrong,
according to survey respondents?
Many make no space for single people to
become leaders and there are no positive
single role models amongst the leadership;
sermons and talks are too family-focused;
social gatherings are geared around couples
with children; courses concentrate on
page 10
‘The message, particularly in evangelical
churches, is ‘thou shalt be married’
preparing for marriage or getting the most
out of family life; and rarely are there any
discussions for singles on online dating,
dating non-Christians or sex. Singles
attending evangelical churches feel the most
left out.
‘The message, particularly in evangelical
churches, is ‘thou shalt be married’ and
‘don’t go anywhere near the opposite sex
in case you do something inappropriate’,’
said Pullinger. ‘But what’s inappropriate
is undefined and there’s a lack of practical
support and encouragement around how to
date, how to form relationships, and what’s
appropriate and what’s not.’
Singles are not seeking special treatment,
the survey found, but how about holding a
“relationships course” rather than a “marriage
course’,’ given we all need help with healthy
relationships? Or we could try to build trust
in couples so married people aren’t as wary
of welcoming singles into their lives, says
Pullinger - survey respondents said some
married people see them as a threat.
As a 43-year-old woman without children
who has been single for most of the last six
years – since I went back to church – and
who recently rekindled a relationship with
a non-Christian ex, I agree that familyfocused churches can be tough places for
singles and leaders could do more to tackle
the challenges faced by a growing portion of
their congregations.
LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX
Many singles I’ve met feel the same,
particularly women, who would like to see
the Church do more to bring in men and
would like leaders to move with the times on
issues like dating and sex.
‘I’ve never heard a talk aimed at single
older Christians about how to deal with
not having sex or dating. I think the vicars
just turn a blind eye to it,’ says 43-yearold designer Charlotte, who admits she’s
struggled for a while to attend her church’s
morning service because it seems everyone
is married, engaged, pregnant or talking
about kids.
‘As a woman in the Church with not
enough men for each of us, it would have
been good to have heard positive support
the big issue
and ideas on dating non-Christian guys over
the years.’
The survey found that 42% of singles
would marry a non-Christian rather than
stay single, while 57% said they would only
marry within the faith. It also found that
78% of singles think sex belongs only within
marriage, even if some respondents said
they found that hard to live by.
But the Church needs a way to cope with
the fact we live in a highly sexualised society
and we’re marrying much older than we did
in the past.
‘There are grown-up Christians in the
Church who don’t have a life partner and
still believe sex should be kept for marriage,
but leaders need to come up with a different
message to the one they use with teenagers,’
says Phoebe, 31, who’s been a Christian all
her life.
Churches also need to find a way to
value people whatever life stage they’re at.
‘Marriage is held up as the Holy Grail in
evangelical churches – like it’s something
you’ve got to achieve and if you haven’t,
there’s something missing,’ adds Phoebe,
who works as a communications manager
for a charity. ‘But it’s a life stage we’ve all got
to go through so it’s about valuing everyone.’
LEVELLING THE
PLAYING FIELD
One way to do this would be by giving
more singles positions of leadership. One
friend said she felt ‘spiritually second-class’
as a single person when it came to being
considered for leadership roles.
Another way would be to encourage more
close relationships between singles and
families. My single friends really value the
time they spend with married people and
the input they get from a husband and
wife – and married people need single
friends too.
But we’re all in this together and my single
friends and I also think we can create our
own church social life, ask to be considered
for leadership, make an effort to mingle with
the whole congregation and, when we need
it, ask for help.
We all need to think inclusively, not
exclusively, says Phoebe, and focus on
strengthening all relationships within the
church family. It’s not about singling out
single people as some sort of special case.
Singles would like it to be known,
however, that they don’t have more time
than couples, a strong message from survey
respondents. Singles may have more flexible
time, or be available more in the evenings
perhaps, but they don’t have more time
overall, says Pullinger, who married two
years ago after being single for most of
his life.
While I can’t imagine how busy I’d be with
a husband and a couple of kids, I can agree
with that. Surely cooking, cleaning, paying
bills, maintaining a house, insuring a car and
making big decisions would take less time
if shared with a partner – and these chores
would be a lot more fun.
Christian Connection asked 3,000 single
churchgoers their views on church,
its leaders and being single inside and
outside the Church in the largest ever
survey of its kind. The results have been
published on a website, which aims
to inform, support and guide Christian
communities on the issue of singleness.
Visit www.singlechristians.co.uk.
‘Has anyone ever asked whether
busy, working singles would like a
casserole delivered now and then?’
Families First – January/February 2015
page 11