Sisters with heart

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BY STEPHANIE ALEXANDER
ST EPH A N I E.A L EX A N DER.10 @ CN U.EDU
As of November, after and in response to the
reelection of President Barack Obama, citizens
from all fifty states have filed a petition to
secede from the United States of America.
A labama, Florida, Georgia, Louisiana,
North Carolina and Tennessee have received
over 35,000 signatures. Texas has received the
most at over 125,000 names.
Secession might seem like a radical step
in the wrong direction, but for many U.S.
citizens, secession is the most logical choice.
According to We the People, an online
petition website created by the White House,
in order to be considered for secession,
they require a petition have 100,000 or more
signatures within 30 days of its creation.
B e for e t he New Ye a r, t he nu mb er of
signatures needed for Federal recognition was
25,000. However, in Jan., the line was re-drawn
at 100,000.
According to the Examiner, over 675,000
citizens from all 50 states have signed petitions
to secede.
The Louisiana petition, created by Michael
E. (no last name provided) the day after the
election, reads, “We petition the Obama
administration to: Peacefully grant the State
of Louisiana to withdraw from the United
States of America and create its own new
government.”
It then goes on to quote the Declaration of
Independence, “‘When in the Course of human
events, it becomes necessary for one people
to dissolve the political bands which have
connected them with another, and to assume
among the powers of the earth, the separate
and equal station to which the Laws of Nature
and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent
respect to the opinions of mankind requires
that they should declare the causes which
impel them to the separation.’”
In the Texas petition they affirm, “The
U.S. continues to suffer economic difficulties
stemming from the federal government’s
neg lec t to refor m domestic a nd foreig n
spending. The citizens of the U.S. suffer from
blatant abuses of their rights such as the
NDAA, the TSA, etc. Given that the state of
Texas maintains a balanced budget and is
the 15th largest economy in the world, it is
practically feasible for Texas to withdraw
from the union, and to do so would protect
its citizens’ standard of living and re-secure
their rights and liberties in accordance with
the original ideas and beliefs of our Founding
Fathers, which are no longer being reflected by
the federal government.”
While Texas has over 100,000 signatures to
secede, Gov. Rick Perry declines any move to
separate his state from the Union.
Kristopher W. from Oregon states in his
petition, “Allow Oregon to vote on and leave
the union peacefully and remain an ally to the
nation.”
G e or g i a , Nor t h C a rol i n a , Ten ne s s e e,
Alabama, South Carolina and other states’
petitions all maintain a demand for a peaceful
break from the country to start a new and
improved government.
According to Henry Blodget with the Daily
Ticker, there is no legal way these states can
separate themselves from the Union.
The government, by creating an Internet
petition site, is granting Americans an easier
way to utilize their right to petition; however,
petitioning is only a tool for White House
recognition, not necessarily action.
Each petition asks for a peaceful break from
the Union, however according to Brett Arends
with the Huffing ton Post, secession only
means economic depression. “[I]f you secede
you will end up paying more in taxes than you
do now, and you will get fewer government
services,” said Arends.
The 10 th amendment of the Constitution,
created to limit Federal control, states that any
power not granted to the federal government
is granted directly to the states; however this
was added before the Civil War. Regardless,
this amendment gives sovereign power to the
states and more importantly, to the states that
want to secede. The “police powers” – health
and safety powers - assigned to the states
under this amendment convince the residents
that they are closely capable of breaking
away from their mother country. However,
according to Arends, “The last time anyone in
Washington actually paid attention to [the 10 th
amendment], the ink was still wet.
Gareth Price with the Huffington Post insists
that states that want to secede see themselves
as more American than the country itself.
Their goal is not to become more Floridian or
Texan, but more American. “By seceding,” he
said, “they wish to preserve America against
the encroachment of, well, America.”
T h e W h it e H o u s e h a s r e s p o n d e d t o
petitions filed by Florida, Louisiana, Georgia,
Tennessee, Alabama, North Carolina, South
Carolina and Texas. Instead of advocating
for the secession however, they warn against
the harmful effects of debate and separation.
Nevertheless, there is no doubt that these
states will continue to fight.
Abraham Lincol n once said, “A house
divided against itself cannot stand.” Many
Americans pray a new Civil War does not fall
again upon us. However, if states are granted
secession, the American base will crumble
and the walls around our safe haven could
very possibly fall. „
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BY MARIE ALBIGES
M A R I E.A LBIGES.10 @ CN U.EDU
Febr ua r y is A merican Heart Month. This
year, Alpha Phi at CNU
has dedicated an entire
month to raising awareness of women’s hea r t
di sease a nd educ ati ng
women about the value
of heart health. Through
their philanthropy, the
A lpha Phi Foundation,
the sisters of Alpha Phi
will work to raise funds in
support of programs and
research that study heart
disease in women. One of the areas that the
Alpha Phi Foundation works with is Women’s
Cardiac Care. With Women’s Cardiac Care,
Alpha Phi raises over $50,000 every year to an
institution leading the way in women’s heart
health research. “We aim to spread awareness
and help women lead healthier, longer lives.
Not only are we working with our own foundation, but we partnered up with the American
Heart association and will be raising money to
help them find a cure for heart disease,” says
Heather Borden, philanthropic chair.
Alpha Phi will kick off American Heart
Month at CNU on Feb. 1 by encouraging students to wear red in honor of the beginning of
National Heart Month.
Keep an eye for heart facts on your tread-
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mills as you hit the gym this week, on Facebook and in the DSU. Alpha Phi will be selling
“Go Red for Women” red dress pins for $2 and
Candy Grams and Valentine Cards for $1. They
will also be selling “Heart to Heart” papers
from the American Heart Association, with
personalized names of women fighting heart
disease. With any donation, you will receive a
bag of candy with heart facts.
On Feb. 14, Alpha Phi will be selling red,
pink and white carnations in honor of Valentine’s Day.
The big event of the month will take place on
Feb. 19 at the annual King of Hearts Pageant.
Ten candidates from Greek organizations will
be selected to participate in a pageant where
they will introduce themselves, display their
talents and answer questions about cardiac
health. The winner will be crowned the King
of Hearts. “We get a lot of support from the
Greek organizations,” says junior Ashley
Lomicka, a sister of Alpha Phi. Last year, the
sorority raised over $1000 solely from this
event. This year, attendants can participate
in a raffle drawing. Prizes are given by local
Newport News businesses.
On Jan. 20, Alpha Phi will be teaming up
with the American Red Cross club to co-sponsor a blood drive, which will be held in the Ferguson Center from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. “We are so
excited to be working with the American Red
Cross again,” says Borden.
The sisters will finish the month with a
heart-filled fitness class hosted by an Alpha
Phi in the Freeman Center.
All the proceeds raised this month will be
going to the Alpha Phi Foundation and the
American Heart Association. „
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GREEK LIFE
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BY ANDY GUTIERREZ-NIETO
R AU L .GU T I ER R EZN I ETO.12 @ CN U.EDU
Last week, we took a look at our
University’ student I.D card process,
which is somewhat costly, and began
to question its existence. As a result,
a random survey of 50 students was
conducted in the David Student
Union.
T h e o u t c o m e h o w e v e r, w a s
su r prising in that it rein forced
t he notion t hat t he high prices
demanded upon students that lost
their I.D cards subconsciously urged
everyone else to not lose theirs.
Although being mindful of the
whereabouts of ou r st udent I.D
cards is important, the bigger issue
regarding the prices we must pay to
replace these plastic cards is still at
question.
At some poi nt or a not her, a n
accident or theft may occur, which
may cause a student to misplace
their I.D card and thus have to pay
$25 for a new one. Are these prices
justified? Does it truly cost so much
to stamp ink onto a plastic card?
According to the front desk at the
DSU, where students go to replace or
purchase new I.D’s, no information
rega rdi ng t hese c a rds cou ld be
disclosed. This is obviously a bigger
issue than originally anticipated by
some; it was time to get answers.
When calling other universities
in Virginia to figure out what they
charged for their student I.D cards
and where their money went, it was
shocking to hear their responses.
T hese c a l l s led to i mpolite
conversations with faculty from
these universities, who were fervent
to push information “under the rug”
per se, and answer questions as
unconstructively as they could.
Virginia Tech, The University of
Virginia, The College of William and
Mary, Old Dominion University and
James Madison University, all had
lower prices than our school overall.
Vi rgi nia Tech a nd Wi l lia m &
Mary both charge $ 20 per new I.D
Card, while JMU charges $15 for a
first time replacement and then $20
for every card after that.
BY COLE UNDERWOOD
M A RGU ER I T E.U N DERWOOD.0 9 @ CN U.EDU
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It has been a very busy time
for the women of the Panhellenic
community.
Spring formal recruitment came
to an end last Sunday, January
20th. Formal recruitment is broken
down into four nights- open house,
ph i l a nt h ropy, si sterho o d a nd
preference.
The purpose of the rounds is to
provide potential new members
a chance to see a different, more
serious side of the six on campus
sororities.
As the week progresses potential
new memb ers n a r row dow n
their choices as well as sororities
deciding which girls they see best
for their chapter.
Bid Day is perhaps one of the
m o s t e x h i l a r at i n g , e xc it i n g ,
and loud days of the year for the
Panhellenic community.
Panhellenic President Sarah
Ball describes how this year was
different from the past. “We held
Bid Day outside for the first time,
which was incredible, because
we got so much suppor t from
fraternity men and the rest of the
campus and they got to see an
extremely exciting process of new
members being revealed to their
chapters.”
Overall there were 307 women
signed up for formal recruitment
compares to 216 last year and the
retention rate increased from 85%
to 93%.
Formal Recruitment 2013 was a
giant success and now all women
of the Greek community get a
break to enjoy their new members
and connect with sisters.
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IFC began their rush process
t his week wit h about 10 0
interested men at their “Kick-off,
Cook-In” event as well as 100 men
at Open House and another 50
attending poker night.
T he For m a l Smoker i s t he
last event and according to IFC
P resident, Sp encer St a n f ield
there is a large freshmen interest,
which is exciting.
T h i s ye a r I F C i s work i n g
towards launching a website,
h av i n g a n of f ici a l t- sh i r t to
promote Greek unity among the
fraternities, and creating an IFC
judicial committee.
T hey a l s o r a i s e d t he GPA
requirement to a 2.6 for interested
members and adopted the
philanthropy of the Foodbank of
the Virginia Peninsula.
One of IFC’s biggest successes
t h i s ye a r w a s t he L ip - S y nc
competition.
O t her Greek orga ni zations
competed with choreographed
d a nc es a nd t hemes a nd as a
result,
$ 70 0 was raised and 2 0 0
pounds of food was donated to
the Foodbank just in time for the
Thanksgiving holiday.
I F C i s c o o r d i n at i n g w it h
Panhellenic to plan Greek Week.
IFC has an executive board
comprised of six members from
different fraternities.
“It’s been a year of progress for
us and we hope to continue that
momentum through the end of
our term,” said Stanfield.
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D i f f e r e n t l y, t h e U n i v e r s i t y
of Vi r g i n i a a nd Old D om i n ion
University charge $15 for any new
card; Old Dominion offers a $5 dollar
discount on I.D cards every Friday,
as long as students wear school
spirit.
All of these Universities, much
like our own, dodged attempts to
truly debunk the I.D card process
and made it almost impossible to
find out why they charge such prices
or where the money goes.
A lt hough t hese t raditiona l
universities provide their students
with I.D cards at a cheaper price, it
is important to note that all of these
schools have a greater number of
students and thus more funding,
which could possibly be the reason
for their lower prices.
Never t heless, it i s equ a l ly
important to realize that it is not
merely CNU who has high prices,
but that prices for I.D cards in
general are absurdly inflated.
Whether this is an issue our newer
school faces, or one that is rampant
across the state, the question still
lingers for many students.
F o r n ow howe ve r, it c a n b e
assumed that the extra change is
used to better our University, in one
way or another. „
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BY DEBBIE DEAN
DEBOR A H.DEA N.0 9 @ CN U.EDU
It’s not every Sunday afternoon
that all of Newport News has the
pleasure of hearing the shrill of
screaming girls from CNU’s campus.
On Sunday, January 20, hundreds of
students gathered to see the annual
Panhellenic sorority Bid Day where
dozens of ladies “run home” to their
new sisterhoods.
T hi s ye a r, ne a rly 2 2 5 women
joined the Greek community at CNU
by rushing one of the six Panhellenic
sororities: Alpha Delta Pi, Alpha
Sigma Alpha, Alpha Phi, Gamma Phi
Beta, Phi Mu and Zeta Tau Alpha.
The recruitment process took place
the week leading up to Sunday’s
Bid Day. Mary Dittmar, a junior
and new sister of Phi Mu, quite
enjoyed Recruitment Week. “I loved
getting to know so many amazing
women who are so plugged in to our
university, and I was lucky to get to
know them for a week straight!”
New Alpha Sigma Alpha sister
and freshman Kristina Pontillo said,
“Recruitment was really great, but
was really exhausting and had a lot
of late nights. Despite that, it was a
great experience to meet new girls
and branch out of my comfort zone
to meet and talk to new women.”
One new sister who wished to
remain unnamed, however, felt the
whole week of recruitment was a
roller coaster of highs and lows.
“It was overwhelming, hard and
upsetting a lot of the time. I felt like
I wasn’t good enough and couldn’t
measu re up to be pa r t of t hese
organizations of women.”
In the midst of frustration, this
you ng woma n recog ni zed t he
blessing in Recruitment Counselors,
who were there to talk to the girls
a nd help t he m pr o c e s s t h i n g s
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throughout the week. “I really felt
like I could trust them and rely on
them,” she said. “When I didn’t get
the bid from the sorority I had hoped
for, I spent a solid 40 minutes crying
to my Recruitment Counselors. They
helped and encouraged me in the
path I should take, and I grow more
grateful for their guidance as I get
more and more excited with each
day with my new family I decided to
run home to.”
Denisha Biggers, a sophomore
and new Phi Mu, decided to rush
her second year at CNU instead of
freshman year for personal growth
reasons. “I wanted to make sure I
was joining for the right reasons; I
wanted to know who I was in Jesus
Christ first and be aware of my
values so I could find an organization
that would support me as I grow and
make me more into the woman I was
already striving to be.”
Biggers was con fident Phi Mu
upheld her va lues, and she was
“obsessed with the fact they are
a very faith-based organization.”
That’s why she ran and now calls it
home.
Girls received bids at the end of
Recruitment Week, and chose out of
their bids which sorority they wanted
to call home. Bid Day consisted of the
six Panhellenic sororities standing
g rouped in CN U’s Plaza outside
the Student Union, and cheering
and crying (and screaming) as new
sisters made their choices and ran to
their new homes.
Dit t m a r c ou ld not h ave b e en
happier with her choice to rush,
and knows the Greek community
holds incredible people. “And why
wouldn’t I want to be involved with
people like that?” „
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At the Captain’s Log, we’re always looking for feedback and
new ideas. Take our quick, 5-question survey to tell us how
we’re doing.
Using your smartphone and the free Microsoft Tag app
(available at http://gettag.mobi or from your phone’s app
store), you can scan the box to the left to be linked to the
survey, or simply visit the site on your computer at
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BY HILLARY PUCKETT
H I L L A RY.PUCK ET T.0 9 @ CN U.EDU
As the Sandy Hook hearings start to pick up
steam in Hartford, Ct. on the heels of President
Oba ma’s historic g u n cont rol proposa ls
on Wednesday, politicians on both sides of
the spectrum are debating gun rights and
gun control. However, many are wondering
whether the heated discussions are really
effective in addressing the issue and making
real change.
President Obama announced his major
proposals on Wednesday, including banning
assault ri f les and implementing stricter
background checks and ammunition limits.
The long-standing resistance to these efforts
makes the chance of real action uncertain, but
both President Obama and Vice President Joe
Biden, head of the president’s task force on gun
violence, are cautiously optimistic.
“I have no illusions about what we’re up
against or how hard the task is in front of us,”
Biden said. “But I also have never seen the
nation’s conscience so shaken [as] by what
happened at Sandy Hook.”
Obama has also acknowledged the difficulty
of passing such measures in the midst of the
National Rifle Association’s campaign for gun
rights and armed guards, but he is insistent on
taking action.
He will be using his executive powers to
promote spending on gun control research and
attention to mental health issues, and he will
also certainly be keeping both Congress and
the American public on their toes.
“Congress must act, and Congress must act
soon,” he said, “This will not happen unless
the American people demand it.”
This Monday, more than 1,000 people braved
the snow and chilly weather to attend the
second of four Sandy Hook hearings at the
Legislative Office Building in Hartford, Ct.
The hearings gave state and local officials,
g un sel lers, g un manu factu rers and the
families of the victims of the Dec. 14 shooting a
forum to express their views about Connecticut
legislators’ efforts to reduce gun violence.
The previous hearing on Friday focused on
school security, and two more hearings on
Tuesday and Wednesday will respectively be
directed toward mental health issues and the
views of the community most affected by the
shootings.
W h i le t he S a ndy Ho ok he a r i n g s a r e
i nst r u ment a l i n providi ng a n a rena for
conversation about addressing the tragedy,
many people are growing tired of the lack of
action stemming from the discussion. Tom
Bittman co-founded the Sandy Hook Promise
initiative to get people talking about gun
control, mental health and school security to
honor the shooting victims with the hope of
“real change,” and he insists that words need
to instigate actions.
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“Doing nothing is no longer an option,”
Bittman said at the launch of Sandy Hook
Promise Jan. 14. “We want Newtown to be
remembered for change, not tragedy.”
Students at Christopher Newport University
are also expressing their views on what
politicians are doing about the tragedy, and
most are in favor of the actions being taken
in light of the shooting, even when they are
unsure of where they fall in the gun spectrum.
Junior marketing and management major
Nick Henderson sees the gun control discussion
both ways. “Truthfully I’m unbiased towards
it, but ethically I’m conflicted because I think
people should have the right to own a gun but
in recent years nothing good has come out of
it,” Nick said. Still, he says that politicians
will capitalize on any sort of tragedy involving
guns because it is in their nature to do so.
S ophomor e p ol it ic a l scienc e m ajor
Ross Sylvestri agrees that politicians are
capitalizing on the Sandy Hook tragedy, but
the effectiveness of the agenda-pushing on
both sides is debatable. “I do think there
are politicians who are trying to push their
agenda because every time that a tragedy like
Sandy Hook happens, a mass shooting with
lots of casualty, there’s automatically a push
for more gun control without looking at how
it would have prevented such a tragedy,” he
said. “I also think the gun rights advocates are
sensationalizing this by counteracting hysteria
with more hysteria with the idea of putting more
armed guards in school. Both sides seem to be
creating hysteria instead of actually having a
rational discussion about how to deal with this
tragedy and how to prevent it in the future.”
Senior history and classical studies major
Molly Waidmann said, “Gun control is a serious
issue and the problem with the American public
is that we have very short memories. They are
capitalizing on this but I think it’s necessary
to effect change. It’s tragic that I think it’s
necessary but I do think it’s necessary.” „
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Page Two
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BY GIANNINA OTOYA
GI A N N I NA .OTOYA.10 @ CN U.EDU
9DDH@GLGK:QC9L@D==FO9DK@
So I’ve always been really interested in study abroad programs, and I’ve
always gotten the usual “it’s awesome” response. Well I figured I’d interview
someone who just recently spent all of their fall semester over in Europe. Kathleen Walsh, a junior and a
History major with a concentration in British history,
was excited to start her three month long journey to
London. Obviously there are many reasons as to why
someone would want to study abroad but Kathleen had
a deeper connection then most people that were in the
same program as her. Her mother’s family is from Ireland and she has a dual citizenship. With having this
background Kathleen said she has always known that
she wanted to explore Europe and to learn a little bit
more about her heritage overseas.
If anyone is looking into a study abroad program a
good place to start is with the study abroad office they
have here at CNU. Walsh was able to get help from
coordinators and was able to find the right program for
her. Usually the first thing I think about when someone mentions study abroad programs is the money it’ll
cost to go. Walsh explained that the program was more
expensive than her in-stat tuition for CNU but that it
was less than out of stat tuition. Even though it was
more expensive she said that the experience is completely worth the money. wWalsh ended up studying at
the University of Westminster in London, England and
earned 12 credit hours at the end of her semester.
I’ve always wondered how the time was spent during
these programs. Of course a student in a new place
would want to do a bunch of traveling and forget that
they are there for credit hours, but it seems like in the
particular program that Walsh participated in was
filled with an interesting classes. She took a class on
the French Revolution, Victorian London, Jack the
Ripper and Modern Ireland. That being said she mentioned that the program she was in allowed for the
students to have a lot of independence during the three
month stay. There was often a lot of time to travel, but
even though the students were given a lot of free time
professors expected students to do a lot of the studying
on their own. These students were treated as adults
and got to explore Europe on their own.
All in all, Walsh said that those three months spent
in Europe were the best months of her life, and that
she would recommend studying abroad to anyone. She
learned about so many different cultures and was able
to see such beautiful scenery that one may not see in
the states. I know after talking to her that this is something I would definitely enjoy doing.
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You can scan this and all other
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Microsoft Tag, which is available
free of charge from your mobile
phone’s app store or from http://
gettag.mobi.
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newfriends
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spirituality
socialize
timemanagement
organize
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The Captain’s Log
online
Check out our website to read and comment on
\PQ[_MMS¼[[\WZQM[IVL\WÅVLILLQ\QWVIT
content.
Visit our website at
www.thecaptainslog.org
Calling All
Photographers!
ACROSS
2A mobile radio app. Associated with the Music Genome Project.
3 A photo messaging application.
5 A weather app.
6 The mobile app associated with the popular Google video sharing service.
9 Social media app.
12 Photo sharing and social media app. Now owned by Facebook.
13 A mobile music app. Allows user to search music on artist, album, genre, etc.
14 Game similar to Scrabble that is owned by Zynga.
15 Social media that allows its users to share tweets of up to 140 characters.
DOWN
1 Instant messaging app. Associated with Facebook.
2 Pinboard style photo sharing app.
4 This game has wingless birds knocking over structures to kill pigs.
5 The popular information and data processing service by Wolfram Research.
7 The mobile app for the popular file sharing service. This organization is based in San Francisco,
CA.
8 A mobile RSS reader. Syncs with Google Reader.
10 The QR code alternative by Microsoft.
11 The email app associated with the popular email service by Google.
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http://www.facebook.
com/thecaptainslog
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CNUCaptainsLog
DIVERSIONS WEEKLY PHOTO
CONTEST
Winner will have their photo run in The
Captain’s Log, and will receive an awesome piece
of CLOG merchandise!
Photos will be judged weekly by Photography Editor
Giannina Otoya.
*Submit photos at any time to [email protected]*
*Photos must be black and white only*
*Photographers may only win once per semester*
Answers to This Week’s Puzzles:
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G o o d mor n i n g /a f t e r no o n /
evening/whenever you happen to be
reading this! My name is Stephen
B ol les a nd I w rite t he C ome dy
Column. If you’re unfamiliar with it,
go to the back of the paper and check
it out. It’s pretty funny. Most of the
time.
Speaking of “most of the time,” my
last column was not that great. In
fact, it was so obscene that it’s been
causing a bit of a stir around campus.
Now, I know when I say “so obscene,”
it makes you want to read it, much
like when you were 15 and you saw a
“Parental Advisory” sticker on a rap
album and it made you want it more.
I didn’t listen to any music in middle
school unless I thought it would piss
off my parents. Turns out my mom
is as big an Eminem fan as I was.
Anyway, the column is online if you
do want to read it, but be warned: the
shock:funny ratio is way off.
T hat was t he mist a ke I made
with the last column. It was way too
vulgar to be funny. How does one
make that mistake? Well, when I was
writing it, I figured that because it
was so shocking, it would be funny.
I mistook vulgarity for hilarity.
Honest mistake for a comedian. I
was also working under the pressure
of a deadline, and my mentality at
the time was “Eh, I can’t think of
anything better to talk about, my
friends laughed when I told them this
story, and it needs to be submitted by
tonight. YOLO, SEND IT.”
If you’re looking for the words “I’m
sorry,” in this article, this sentence
is the only place you’re going to
see it. I write comedy all the time,
whether it be sketch comedy for CNU
Tonight, Comedy Columns for the
Captain’s Log, or stand-up comedy
for Cozzy’s Comedy Club. Once in a
while, I’m going to miss the mark.
It happens to everyone. In fact, that
is the ONLY way you can get better
at anything you do: you screw up,
then you examine how you screwed
up, a nd you f i x it. My colu m ns
aren’t going to get any funnier if I
don’t mess up every now and again.
Apologizing for a bad column would
be apologizing for me being a writer.
T h e o n l y p e o p l e I ’d l i k e t o
apologize to are the CNU faculty
that have had to defend my column,
because there’s no way to defend
that last one. How could you possibly
defend it? “Well… in regards to the
last column… the author… clearly
made an evening of drinking and
masturbating… Which I think we’ve
all done at some point…” That’s
about the best defense you could
give for it! So to the faculty that have
stood up for me, which includes but
is not limited to; Dr. Lee, and Dean
Hughes, I say this: Thank you for
standing up for me in the past, and
I apologize for this recent column. If
I were 21 I would buy you all a fine
wine. But until then you may have to
settle for heart-shaped candies.
STEPHEN BOLLES
Af\]^]fk]g^l`];ge]\q;gdmef
Captain’s Log and Oversensitive
People,
The recent articles in the Comedy
Column by our very own Stephen
Bolles have elicited some shock and
repulsion from most decent people
that read them. Apparently, most
people are not amused by stories of
furious masturbation or businesses
involving private space for sex (go
figure). I think we can all agree that
sometimes these articles toe the line
of tastefulness, but that is the job of
a comedian, and the reactions to his
writings are just as repulsive and
ridiculous. Who the hell are you
that someone else’s writings have so
personally offended you? Get off your
pedestal, join the rest of us common
folk down here, and don’t read the
Comedy Column if you are so angry
about someone else’s words that you
feel the need to slam a newspaper on
our Dean’s desk or start a petition to
have the column removed from the
paper (you know who you are).
W hy don’t we a l l t r y a l it t le
personal responsibility? If you don’t
like it, then don’t subject yourself to
things that you find offensive, and
don’t decide for the rest of us what
should or should not be published
in a newspaper whose very purpose
is to publish interesting pieces. The
newspaper does not exist to cater to
your feeeeelings, it exists to inform
and entertain the masses, which
means half the population will be
pissed off about something all the
time.
The Comedy Column, however
grotesque it may be to you, will
make some more people pick up
t h e new s p ap e r who m i g ht not
normally have done so, and we’re
all talking about it, aren’t we? Next
time you want to complain about
something, take another hard look
at what might be wrong with your
own personal sense of comfort and
your over-sensitivity to the world.
If you’re secure in your beliefs and
values, I’m happy for you. If not,
tough crap, this life is going to be
a lot harder for you. Somewhere,
at this very moment, someone in
the world is writing something you
don’t agree with, and there’s nothing
you can do about it. So suck it up, and
stop complaining to the people who
aren’t responsible for the words.
The Captain’s Log as a whole has
done a great job providing relevant,
i nt e r e s t i n g , i n f o r m a t i v e , a n d
entertaining pieces for us to read,
and I hope you guys keep up the good
work.
REGARDS,
KYLE PANAS
CNU STUDENT
CAPTAIN’S LOG READER
COMEDY COLUMN FAN
Afj]khgfk]lgCYj]fK`]Y$[gf[]jfaf_
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CN U has always been a
conservative place for a modern
college campus, but last issue’s letter
to the editor by Karen Shea truly
took me by surprise. This letter is
nothing but an excellent example of
dangerous and illogical reasoning
that I believe has little place in
college, the very place that should
value diversity and free speech.
Although the entire text was riddled
with offensive generalizations and
i n su lti n g l a n g u age, t wo p oi nt s
stood out to me most starkly; first,
the implication that, “the ‘girl next
door’ won’t even put her name to her
column. Obviously, she is ashamed of
her ‘free speech.’ By this logic, Miss
Manners and Dear Abby must be
living in horrific shame, as almost
all advice columns are traditionally
anonymous. Suggesting that this
column is unsig ned because the
author is weighed down by shame
at her constitutional right to free
speech is mind boggling.
Secondly, and most worryingly, the
author prompts us to, “Remember
your ‘free speech comes with a price.
Consider the intellectual social,
emotional, spiritual and physical
effects of ‘free speech.’ Is it for the
g reater good of individuals and
campus life at CNU?”
I’ve always found it interesting
and a little amusing that the same
p e ople t h at e schew f r e e dom of
speech are using their freedom of
speech to express their opinions.
They may want restriction of speech,
but only in one direction- i f my
ability to write a column some might
find offensive could be taken away,
why shouldn’t your opinions and
interests be banned as well?
KATIE WATKINS
;ge]\qgj[jm\]
As a proud alumni and current
t e acher, I a m a lways br a g g i n g
about my alma matter. I love to take
any chance I get to talk about the
education I received from CNU and
the memories I have. This is why it
really appalled and disgusted me to
read “The Comedy Column” on Jan.
23. The story, which if you haven’t
read please trust me and just skip
this one, was quite frankly anything
but funny. I am not disappointed
in the Captains Log for publishing
it, as they are only acting as the
voice to students. My concern is
t hat a student, someone who is
representing not only themselves but
CNU, thought that this would be an
okay column to represent themselves
with. Why would you think talking
We are writing today to address
an issue at the core of the Captain’s
Log, which is its professionalism, or
lack thereof. Any student newspaper, especially a paper that advertises itself as “The Voice of CNU
Students,” has a big role to fill on
this or any campus. Included in this
role is 1) a timely reporting of issues
that are of great importance to students, 2) a high quality of reporting/
editing, and 3) representing “The
Voice of CNU Students” on campus
in print.
The Captain’s Log does not fulfill
this role of a student newspaper, and
has, as of late, become irrelevant,
unprofessional, and offensive.
First, it fails to provide timely
reporting of issues that are of great
importance to students. There is
a time lapse on important issues,
leading to the printing of outdated
articles that were important 2 weeks
ago. Many articles that are printed
are unimportant. In the past there
has been a focus on dining hall food,
student “personals,” and sexual/prepubescent humor columns. There is
a serious lack of reporting on important issues-- the Captains’ Log does
not even report on CNU’s own Board
of Visitors meetings, impor tant
meetings dealing with the direction
and policy of our university. It fails
to report on pressing issues such as
the Housing Lottery, construction
of new residence halls/Greek housing, rumors about making parts
of campus ‘wet,’ the recent rash of
robberies in areas around campus,
or even important speakers/conferences/symposiums coming to
campus.
Second ly, it fai ls to provide a
high quality of reporting and editing. It prints “shock value,” controversia l ar ticles and columns
week-after-week in an attempt to
gain readership. It has a poor quality of editing-- there are frequent
grammatical/spelling errors. It
also utilizes second and thirdhand
reporting-- they rely on/summarize
national or local news sources such
as the Daily Press that discuss university issues without doing their
own personal legwork. We can read
these sources on our own without a
student newspaper.
Third and finally, it fails to reflect
the voice of the students of this
campus. We highly doubt that the
printing of obscene/offensive columns using words such as “jizzed,”
“whiskey dick,” and “retard” would
be popular if students on campus
actually read this newspaper and
cared enough to voice their opinion.
This apathy is a direct result of the
paper’s lack of readers, which is due
to its lack of professionalism. Current ly t here a re l it t le c ont rol s
against groupthink in the Captain’s
Log organization--a group of 15-or-so
student writers claims that it is the
voice of ALL of the students, receives
roughly $50,000 worth club funding
per year, according to Dean Hughes,
from ALL OF OUR tuition payments
to print offensive and outdated material, and sees this as a mandate to
speak on our behalf. It relies on
bei ng cont roversia l a nd t rashy
in order to maintain/increase its
reader base (the only reason we, the
authors of this opinion piece, personally pick it up is to see how bad it is
this week).
We have made a petition for students like us to sign in order to make
their voice heard, that we do not
tolerate the low-brow, obscenity of
the particularly raunchy “Comedy
Column,” stating that this is not
the voice of the students on campus,
and that the column should not be
printed in the Captain’s Log. The
petition can be found at this URL
address: http://bit.ly/14p3kqH. You
can also contact the Editor-in-Chief,
Darryl Fetz at desk@thecaptainslog.
org to voice your opinion on this
matter.
The question that many of our
fellow students have asked us is:
WHY IS THIS IMPORTANT? Here’s
the answer: because a tiny club
claims to be the voice of ALL of the
students without consulting us as a
whole, utilizes obscenity and shoddy
reporting, speaking in OUR name/
voice, and repeatedly tarnishes OUR
collective reputation week a fter
week. Even if you don’t personally
read it regularly/at all, this ‘newspaper’ is distributed to prospective
employers of Captain’s Log writers
past and present, parents/alumni
about you r friend’s sex- capades
and your one man act would elicit
anything other than disgust from
readers? Why would you lower your
standards of comedy to something
so repulsive? Anyone who knows me
knows that I am always up for a good
laugh, clean or otherwise, but when
something crosses the line like this,
it makes me sad for my university.
CNU students need to know that they
are not just representing themselves,
but countless other students who call
who purchase it as a fundraiser,
potential new students and their
parents/siblings, potential donors to
the university, the internet for all to
read, in addition to just our students.
Remember, the newspaper claims to
be “the Voice of CNU Students” and,
as such, claims that your words,
actions, and ideals reflect that which
is published in the papers, and takes
YOUR tuition dollars. Furthermore, it could significantly hurt job
prospects of its writers in the future,
application numbers to our university, funding to our university, not
to mention the reputation of our fine
university as a whole.
T he responses to ou r petition
against last week’s column thus far
have been united, and have been
spread across varying demographics
of this university:
“I am an alumnus, but I still try
to stay involved in campus. I was
shocked and disgusted by the article
that I read. It is a disgrace to an
upstanding, respectable university
to have such vulgar trash in print
under CN U’s approval. The Captain’s Log is above that and CNU is
certainly above that.”
“As a former writer for the Captain’s Log, I can understand the
argument for free speech, but this
ar ticle borders on pornog raphy.
It could arg uably be considered
racially insensitive (and sexist)
and has absolutely no merit. More
importantly, it was published in a
paper that is attributed to the CNU
community as a whole. I have the
Captain’s Log on my resume and
I’m in the middle of trying to land a
job. One of, if not the first thing that
a potential employer would see is
this article, thereby associating me
with this garbage. This should never
have even been considered as news
and it does not reflect the beliefs and
integrity associated with our Honor
Code.”
“As a university that promotes
personal values, the writer of this
column is attempting to turn CNU
into a joke. In previous columns, he
has insulted his editor, the president,
and Greek Life, and I feel that not
only is he setting a terrible example
to incoming freshmen and visitors,
but he is insulting the entire CNU
community. There is a limit to freedom of speech and he has exceeded
it multiple times. I’m ashamed to
have his column in our paper every
week.”
As for Mr. Bolles, he has made
it his trademark to utilize explicit
lang uage, obscenity, and trashy
content. All that is fine, but only
outside of a paper that reports that it
is “The Voice of CNU Students.” This
is the wrong forum for that type of
content, and it is the wrong strategy
for the student newspaper to employ
as a whole. Readers should be compelled to read the student newspaper
because it is a relevant source of current information with stories that
are both pressing and important,
not because it is trashy. Mr. Bolles’
apology and this week’s “Comedy
Column” can be found in this same
issue of the C-Log, and they are both
quite predictable. He will probably
attack those who see his obscenity
as offensive as prudish or childish.
He will probably utilize explicit
language. He will perhaps make
a sarcastic, misinformed appeal
to his First Amendment right to
free speech (which, in fact, doesn’t
cover obscenity, see Miller v. California). He could unsurprisingly rail
against Greek Life, perhaps because
that is the network on campus with
which the authors of this particular dissenting editorial identify, or
perhaps for whatever other reason
he has a personal vendetta against
Greeks. He may even personally
attack us individually, because that’s
the “edgy” thing to do.
The point is that there is nothing
off-limits, nothing too offensive,
nothing too low-brow, and nothing
too obscene for the Captain’s Log to
print, because it is fighting to stay
alive and talked-about. It resorts
to misusing its power and authority to speak as “The Voice of CNU
Students.” There needs to be a culture shift at the Captain’s Log: from
obscenity, vulgarity, and tabloidism
to respect, honor, and professionalism.
ZACH WILSON AND JUSTIN
BREWSTER
CNU home. Mr. Bolles, please take
this into consideration the next time
you are working on your column. I
am certain that being a CNU student,
you are capable of much better in
the comedy department than this
offering. I look forward to seeing
more comedy and less crudeness
from your column this semester. GO
Captains!
ANONYMOUS CNU ALUMNUS
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MARIE ALBIGES
M A R I E.A LBIGES.10 @ CN U.EDU
After delivering an impressive 23 personal bests (PRs) at the
Christopher Newport University Holiday Open in December,
the CNU indoor Track and Field team is ready to move this
season. After one meet, the team was ranked 11 on the U.S
Track and Field Cross Country Coaches Association preseason
projections.
At the CNU Holiday Open, remarkable results came from
all sides. In the mile, freshman Melissa Rizor managed a wellearned 5:24 in her first indoor event at CNU. Not far behind,
junior Jess McClelland placed in the top-10 with her time of
5:28.
On the men’s distance side, junior Aaron Zook placed fifth in
the 5k after running a fast 15:38, leading a pack of CNU men
including freshman Josh Showalter, junior Michael Hoy and
freshman Daniel Austin, who all placed in the top-10.
Senior Joseph Taylor gave an amazing performance in pole
vault, clearing 4.46 meters. He placed forth in the event. His
teammate senior David Fishman cleared 4.6 meters, earning
seventh place.
Head Track and Field Coach Tyler Wingard credits the determination and perseverance that the team showed in the CNU
Holiday Open to their very first practice in November. “[They
got] a lot more quality work in during the few weeks we had
together prior to that first meet. It’s amazing the difference in
the quality of technical training when fitness is already there—
and the team is seeing that first hand this year.”
The team dispersed for winter break, returning to school the
first week of January to get back into practice. Wingard was
very happy with the way his athletes jumped back into training. “The enthusiasm and focus of the team was really good and
we got some good training in,” he said of January Team Camp.
“So far, we’ve already broken PRs from last year in the first
week under our new throwing coach, Alex Heacock,” says
thrower Ken McMinn, a sophomore who placed tenth in the
weight throw at the Holiday Open.
Throwing Coach Alex Heacock, a 2009 graduate of William
and Mary, joins the captains for the 2012-2013 season, coming
to CNU from Benedictine University, where he coached
throwing for two years.
The athletes returned to competition on January 19 and
20 for the Captain’s Invitational, their second indoor meet of
the season, held at CNU. Adding on an impressive 41 PRs to
the list, some of the outstanding athletes of the meet included
sophomore Enuma Ezenwa in the pentathlon, senior Kalee
Hammerton in the pole vault, sophomore Robert Mayes in
the 200-meters, freshman Brian Strickland in the 200-meter
hurdles, and Taylor in the pole vault.
The girls distance medley team, consisting of sophomore
Jessica McClelland, freshman Graciela Slyer, freshman
Lydia Cromwell and freshman Melissa Rizor, broke the
school record with a time of 12:53.56, landing a second place
finish in the meet.
In the upcoming weeks, two more regular indoor meets
remain before the Indoor Conference Championships, which
will be hosted by CNU on February 16. Then the team will
dive into the outdoor season.
“Our expectation is to sweep the Conference Championships Indoors and Outdoors in our final year with the MasonDixon Conference,” said Wingard. “It will require a full-team
effort to do so.”
“Everyone has a more realistic understanding of what it
takes to reach their goals,” says distance runner sophomore
Brad Turner. “We expect a lot of ourselves, and we’re making
a lot of good decisions both on and off the track.”
The men’s track and field team earned the top spot in the
first USTFCCA South/Southeast Regional Standings on
January 23, while the women placed second in the rankings.
The team competed last Friday at the Liberty Invitational in
Lynchburg, and has one more meet in February before the
Indoor Championships on February 16. „
Sports Talk
Weekly Take
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COLLIN BRENNAN
COL L I N.BR EN NA N.12 @ CN U.EDU
If I were to go to a foreign land where no one knew what
the United States was, or what it meant to be an American I
wouldn’t hesitate to come up with an answer. I would simply
and eloquently describe one event that captures all of what
my country stands for. It has to be an event that has glamour, drama, violence, commercialization, a winner and a
loser, and a giant red, white, and blue flag. Throw in some
fireworks and some chicken wings. This is America. This
is our Super Bowl. Nothing else in our society captures the
essence of our culture better than that first Sunday in February.
The fourth of July may be the day we celebrate our independence but Super Bowl Sunday is the day we celebrate
our culture. No other annual event in America creates as
much buzz and conversation the next day as the Super Bowl.
Whether you watch it for the commercials, the halftime
show, or for the game itself it has intrigue for everyone.
For the passionate football fan (like myself) it is the bittersweet end to another football season leaving us the next
day with the harsh reality of another offseason. For some
girls it is the last Sunday they will have to endure watching their boyfriends salivate over a TV screen rather than
pay any attention to them. For many others it is one of the
biggest social gatherings of the year, providing many a
reason to party. For the rest of the world it is a big fat slice
of Americana.
All in all everyone watches the Super Bowl.
The definition of our culture cannot be spelled out without
mention of the importance of football in our everyday society. It can be the Friday night lights of a local high school
game, or the roar of a tens of thousands college students
chanting as one, or it can be our Sundays where everyone
takes time to watch the best in the nation play the sport we
love.
At times our country can look divided, look no further
than the past election, but what makes us American are the
common bonds we share. We all love our country and we all
love the thrill of a touchdown.
Nothing brings people together like football can. For the
cities of Baltimore and San Francisco it is a chance to unite.
For the champion city it will have strangers hugging in celebration and thousands upon thousands running around
on street corners like children on Christmas morning. For
the Super Bowl host city of New Orleans it is a chance to
show how far they have come as a city since the hardships
of Hurricane Katrina. So enjoy the spectacle and some good
food while you are at it. This is America’s game. This is our
Super Bowl. „
Listen To Sports Talk Radio with Collin and Brendan and
Gregg on Tuesdays 5-6 p.m. Also like our Facebook page.
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SARAH SLEEM
SA R A H.SL EEM.10 @ CN U.EDU
Since the CNU Ice Hockey club’s season started in September,
the team has won 14 of their 25 games, including big victories
against Virginia Commonwealth University and the University
of Charlotte.
For seniors, their time on the ice with their schoolmates is
dwindling to an end. For those not yet graduating, they look
forward to more games with friends and teammates and never
forget how they got their start on the ice.
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Sophomore Alex Howell became involved in hockey through
his family’s roller rink. He first started playing at the age of
three and has come to enjoy everything about the sport.
“It gives me a time to escape and do what I love doing,” said
Howell.
Howell is working towards becoming a business major with
a communications minor. Even with attending practices four
days a week and playing games every weekend Howell is able to
manage balancing ice hockey and school.
“It does often get tiring when there are road games week in
and week out, but fortunately there aren’t too many back to
back weekends,” said Howell.
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At the age of four, senior Tyler Bemis began playing ice
hockey in New Hampshire. His father was the first to put him
on the ice and although Bemis hated it, his father continued. A
week later, Bemis’s opinion completely changed.
“Ever since then all I think about is hockey. The speed of the
game, the physicality, that feeling when you score to win the
game, there is nothing like it on earth,” said Bemis.
He does not only enjoy playing the sport, but also the connection that it allows him to make with others.
“The camaraderie of the sport is what keeps me coming back.
Also, there’s something about hockey players that connects
them like no other. I’ve met some of my best friends in hockey,”
said Bemis.
On Jan. 26, he will play his last home game with the CNU
team and will have completed five seasons with them before
graduating in May.
Senior Ryan Lafayette is finishing his fourth and last year
with CNU’s Ice Hockey club. He began partaking in the sport
while in Hawaii at the age of 10. While living in Texas, Lafayette observed a semi-pro team that sparked his interest in the
sport.
“The team played close by and watching them along with
playing street hockey with the neighbors made me want to try
it on the ice,” said Lafayette.
The love that Lafayette has for ice hockey makes the constant practice and games easy to adapt to.
“After you’ve been doing it for so long and love the game so
much, those three or four months over the summer that you
aren’t playing are miserable. It’s almost like you start to crave
it,” said Lafayette.
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The team’s next game will be an away game against the
University of Richmond on Feb. 1. CNU will have the chance
of defeating Richmond for the second time this season after
winning 5-1 in an
October game. „
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KELSI PONTON
K ELSI.PON TON.0 9 @ CN U.EDU
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We’ve all seen them at games; cheering as if their lives
depended on it, waving towels and flags, painting their faces as
if they are going to war; and in a sense, they are. Christopher
Newport University’s Blue Crew is the screaming battalion
that helps give spirit to our school’s sporting events.
Blue Crew is a group of students that takes their love of
sports to the next level. Their eager displays of comradery with
the sports teams not only elevate the attitude of the players, but
also the entire spirit of the games. For the members of the Blue
Crew, the effects of their enthusiasm is powerful.
“Seeing how it effects the players, because I’ve been to games
where there’s not been many fans, and you can tell that having
fans really helps them because they play better and they feel
better when they do something good and helping them through
the game, kind of, and it’s really rewarding seeing how they
appreciate it,” said Jenn Trice, sophomore and vice president
of the organization, when asked what’s rewarding about being
in Blue Crew.
While there is always a big turnout for sports such as football and volleyball, the goal of the group this year, according
to Trice is “to support the athletics…and trying to get people to
come to the lesser known sports, such as tennis or lacrosse.”
Blue Crew is extending its reach across campus to rile up the
school spirit and get more people to come cheer for their fellow
students. Many things that they have planned include more
events and marketing throughout campus and within school
groups, such as clubs and Greek Life.
“It’s a lot of work getting people [to go to the games], because
there’s so much stuff going on, you have work, you have class
work, there are a lot of other things that are important too, but
when I see people at the games that we’ve worked to hard to get
them to having fun, that’s really rewarding,” said Trice.
While it is agreed upon that supporting CNU’s athletes is the
main goal of Blue Crew, there are other reasons that people join
the organization as well. Such as junior Ryan Gunderloch who
finds that the organization is a way to “leave a mark…college
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CHRISTINA WORDHAM
CH R IST I NA.WOR DH A M.11@ CN U.EDU
is not just going to class, getting the grades, rinse and repeat
[for] four years. It’s something that I can come back to and say,
‘I was a part of that’.”
The Blue Crew is a group of fans that are prepared to cheer,
scream, shout, feel, fight, fall and win alongside our athletics
department. Their dedication and commitment to creating
a sense of community between the CNU players and fans has
been a successful thus far, and hopefully on that will grow in
the future in all facets of the athletic department.
In upcoming news, the Blue Crew is co-sponsoring Super
Bowl Sunday (Feb. 3) festivities, or CNU’s Big Game Tailgate
and Viewing Party. It’s looking to be a fun event complete with
flag-football, a tailgate, trivia games and a Super Bowl viewing
party. Tailgating starts at 2 p.m. in Lots L & K until 6 p.m., and
the Super Bowl viewing party is at 5:30 p.m. until the end of
the game. If you’re feeling like sharing in the CNU game-day
spirit, join the Blue Crew Super Bowl Sunday. „
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You win some, you lose some, but in the case of Christopher
Newport University basketball where the men have a current
season of 15-2 and the women a season of 16-2, it seems that
these teams are in the market for victory.
This isn’t necessarily a new thing for these two teams. The
basketball program for both sexes have track records that
boast strong athleticism and talent. According to cnusports.
com, since 1967 the men’s team has won 776 games and lost
only 413. The women’s team has an equally impressive record
of 640-383 since the team was founded in 1971.
This season both teams host relatively new coaches and
have more freshman and sophomore players than juniors and
seniors. Yet these teams are determined to live up to the CNU
standard.
Freshman Evan Thorpe was recently named he USA South
Athletic Conference’s Rookie of the Week. If he represents the
underclassmen of these teams, CNU has many more season of
strong performance to look forward to. „
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head].Ê
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A M BER.DAV IS.0 9 @ CN U.EDU
2012,” he says. “It gave me time to get a lot of my paperwork done, to study the
script. I made sure that I knew everything before the first production meeting.
It’s a big show; I had to be prepared.”
He is not alone. Sophomore Nichole Naccash admits to doing a bit of extra
homework for her role as Roxie.
“As soon as I got cast, I went out and bought the original script,” she laughs. “I
have my big binder full of notes and the different versions of the play that I read.”
Naccash’s excitement stems from this being her first lead role at CNU. She isn’t
alone; The choreographer Jennifer Lent, music director JLynn Thompson, and
even Breese are approaching this musical for the first time.
“I always thought I would [perform in this show],” Breese admits. “The show
came out when I was in college and I always thought…[But] there’s something
nice about coming to it for the first time as a director. “
Just as “Chicago” serves as a first for many, it serves as a last hurrah for a select
few. For Ashley Payne and stage manager Alex Wood, this will serve as their final
show with TheaterCNU.
“I love that this is my last show,” says Wood. “I’ve requested this show every
year, and finally, my senior year, I’m able to do it.”
The excitement seems contagious.
“I’ve never been in a cast this dedicated to the performance,” says Naccash.
“This is a fireball cast.”
Chicago opens Feb. 22 at 8 p.m., and closes March 1.„
Vaudeville routines, little white lies and murderous women with innocent
faces— shrouded in secrecy for months, “Chicago” becomes TheaterCNU’s
first reprise show in over twenty years. Now that the show has officially been
announced, no one seems more excited than the cast and crew of this season’s
musical.
“There’s a bit of a buzz,” says director Steven Breese. “The team is working so
hard and so well together. Hillow’s delivered a really exciting set and a concept….
when you’re onto something interesting and you have a cast that can do it, that
creates buzz.”
“Chicago” is certainly a show deserving of the buzz. Based on the true-life murderesses Beulah Annan and Belva Gaertener, the musical opened on Broadway
in 1975. It has been performed over 6,000 times, including once before at CNU in
1996.
This season, Chicago returns as a special salute to the Theatre Department’s
scenic designer and instructor, George Hillow. Making the show even more special is Breese, returning to the Ferguson to direct the performance. The current
Dean of Arts and Humanities, Breese is enjoying his interactions with theatre
almost as though he’d never left.
“I was a little nervous at first,” he admitted. “These are all new faces, new
voices. I wasn’t sure we’d be speaking the same language.
These students weren’t going to be used to the way I work;
they didn’t have that experience.”
Reasonably so—the last show Breese directed was
“Children of a Lesser God” in 2009. This is his first time
working with any of these actors: a false statement for
a large portion of TheaterCNU performances. The cast
seems to have taken to him as though he’d never left.
Starting two days before classes began, the cast returned
to campus to begin rehearsals. They began with two
eight-hour rehearsals before returning to the regularly scheduled evening rehearsals. Two weeks into the
rehearsal, the cast performed their first stumble through
of the musical’s first act.
“Having [Dean Breese] direct is exciting,” senior
Ashley Payne admits. “He has an energy. He’s so excited
to be creating. His passion for his craft has made everyone as a cast very excited.”
It’s an environment of hard work and dedication. With
the amount of physical endurance the show commands,
many of the cast and even some of the crew have regularly scheduled gym dates. Sitting in a study lounge at
Einstein’s, Payne (“Chicago”’s Velma), admits that even
though the company is only three weeks in, preparations
for the show really began at auditions.
“During callbacks, Breese noticed that I wanted to play
Velma, and he told me that I needed to consider how big
the role is,” she said. “Velma opens and closes the show;
it requires a lot of stamina. I started running the next
day.”
She isn’t the only one embracing the work ethic. Along
with seniors Annie Brunk and Derby Sale, the assistant director, Payne visits the gym at least three times
a week. However, few can claim doing more work than
Stage Manager Alex Wood. Receiving his assignment
last spring, he has been working on preparation for this
show since early August.
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BY ADRIAN HOWARD
A DR I A N.HOWA R D.11@ CN U.EDU
“You’re A Good Man, Charlie Brown.” “
Night of January 16th.”
These are two of the many plays sophomore
Zsa Zsa Cabigas featured in high school.
“You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown” marked
the beginning of Cabigas’ theater journey with
“Night of January 16th” marking the exodus of
high school theater.
An eighth grade class field trip to the Ferguson Center to watch the Nutcracker sparked
Zsa Zsa’s interest in theater. “I was really
amazed by the entire production from how the
stage and costumes looked to the actors who
managed to portray their characters vividly
onstage. Since that moment I was really determined to get into CNU as well as pursuing
theater.”
Serving as Assistant Stage Manager in high
school, Zsa Zsa’s main job entailed maintaining the smooth flow of the play.
“I didn’t get many big parts in the performances at my high school. I was usually a
chorus member or a minor character given
just a short part.
I was assistant stage manager for the most
part and was usually backstage telling actors
when to get on or helping with the stage manager dealing with setting up the production.”
A passion for performing arts prompted Zsa
Zsa to join the school’s drama club.
“I always had a strong interest in the performing arts and during my junior year I
joined my high school’s drama club. From that
experience I decided to continue to remain in
theater and to study in that field.
Zsa Zsa enrolled in a course titled Theater
200, an Arts Administration Internship lab
she took last semester. “The class allowed the
students to create the programs given to the
audience during the play as well as distributing the posters on campus to advertise for the
plays.
I was also given the task of interviewing the
director of the play “Crimes of the Heart” for
background on the play.” As an Arts Administration major, Zsa Zsa enjoys advertising play
productions and informing the audience what
the theater is all about since many people hold
a superficial understanding of theater arts.
Zsa Zsa herself didn’t quite understand the
work that was put forth into creating a successful production, that is, until becoming a
member of the props team.
“I was on the props team for One Acts in
the spring of 2012. The props team is basically the people who set up the items onstage
and provide hand props to actors during a
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A A RON.ZOOK.0 9 @ CN U.EDU
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performance.” This class gave her a behindthe-scenes view of the preparation, set-up,
and anxiety that takes place. “It gave me
insight into what the actors and actresses do
to prepare for each play as the world of theater
opened itself up to me.”
A positive aspect of theater Zsa Zsa cherishes is the sense of community and the camaraderie the theater exudes. “The thing I love
the most about theater is how close the crew
and cast become.
When I was in high school the drama club
was really close and we considered ourselves
a second family. I still see that in our theater
department now and I like how everyone is
friendly with each other.”
A memorable experience for Zsa Zsa was
a tradition the cast and crew held before and
after each production.
“All of the cast members gather in a circle
with the Student Director whispering a word
of encouragement to one person, that person
pass along their own encouraging words to the
other, forming a chain of uplifting words, until
the last person would receive a huge hug from
the group. I love that!”
A negative aspect is the stress everyone
experiences before opening night. “What I
least like about it is probably the last few days
before opening night for things get a little
stressful sometimes.” For Zsa Zsa, the theater
is where she can see how her contributions
affect the whole production. „
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“Gangster Squad” was an excellent combination of action and old-time romance.
Director Ruben Fleischer brilliantly brings
the 1950s Los Angeles crime world to life.
The movie features Sean Penn, Josh Brolin,
Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone.
In the 1950s, Los Angeles was the new frontier for organized crime. The mafia bosses
of Chicago and New York City were starting to be seen as old-fashioned, fat and lazy.
Mickey Cohen is the newest gangster on the
block.
He has laid claim to the city of LA, challenging the Eastern crime world and ruling
his new empire with violence. Eventually
his bribes and arrogance catch the attention of the LAPD and the “Gangster Squad”
is formed. The movie follows the actions of
the Gangster Squad as they attempt to corral
Mickey and gain trust and cohesion as a
group.
Aside from a graphic first scene, “Gangster
Squad” was a refreshing change from some
of the blood squirting, epic movies that have
come out recently. While still violent, the
entire plot seemed a little bit more elegant
than a simple action oriented “shoot ‘em up”
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BY BRIGGS WATKINS
BR IG GS.WAT K I NS.12 @ CN U.EDU
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Starring: Will Ferrell, Jim Carrey, and
Chris Kattan
The obnoxious, dry humping trio laughably get kicked out of each social event, from
a night club to a wedding, because they circle
around an innocent dancer and horribly push
them around with their pelvises. The sketch
is memorable because of the way Jim, Chris,
and Will nail the idiosyncrasies of socially
clueless dancers.
Air Date: 5/18/96
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Farley, Phil Hartman, David Spade, and Julia
Sweeney
Chris Farley plays an eccentric motivational speaker hired by suburban parents in
order to sway their kids from illegal activities because they found weed in their room.
His over-the-top performance and the way
he yells “Living in a van down by the river,”
makes it incredibly hard for cast members to
keep a straight face, and viewers too.
Air Date: 5/8/93
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Molly Shannon
A man named Pete Schweddy, played by
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BY EBONY BROWN
EBON Y.BROW N.0 9 @ CN U.EDU
Award season has begun in Hollywood, and
this year Hollywood’s biggest night will take
place on Feb. 24 when the 85th annual Academy Awards will air on ABC.
The award’s biggest honor will going to one
of these movies, all nominated for Best Picture: “Amour,” “Argo,” “Life of Pi,” “Lincoln,”
“Zero Dark Thirty,” “Silver Linings Playbook,” “Django Unchained,” “Beasts of the
Southern Wild,” or “Les Miserables.”
“Lincoln” leads the pack of these movies at
the box office grossing over $160 million, followed by “Django Unchained” with $140 million, and then “Les Miserables” with a little
over $130 million made at t he box office.
The leading actor role seems to be favorited by “Lincoln”’s Daniel Day-Lewis, who
received rave reviews for his transformation
as the nation’s 16th president, Abraham Lincoln. Bradley Cooper, Hugh Jackman, Joaquin
Phoenix and Denzel Washington are also nominated in the category.
The breakout star of this year’s Oscar nominees comes in the form a nine-year-old first
time actress, Quvenzhane Wallis. The youngster was six years old when she filmed “Beasts
of Southern of Wild.”
Wallis is the youngest person to ever score
a nomination for an actress in a leading role.
The movie was well received by many critics
and movie watchers alike, including President
Obama, whom Oprah Winfrey says introduced
her to the film when she had the cast on her
show “Super Soul Sunday.”
The director, Benh Zeitlin, who is also nominated for best director, and the two leading
characters Wallis and her on screen father,
actor Dwight Henry were all first timers in the
movie business.
Some other notable actresses nominated
i n t his categor y a re Jen ni fer L aw rence
for “Silver Linings Playbook” and Jessica
Chastain for “Zero Dark Thirty.”
While being the most prestigious award that
anyone in the film industry can obtain, each
year the academy seems to snub someone for
their outstanding work. This year Ben Affleck
who won this year’s Golden Globe for best
director for “Argo” was not even nominated
for best director by the Academy.
Quentin Tarentiono was also looked over for
a best director nomination, while his movie,
“Django Unchained” is up for best picture.
Notably, “Skyfall” and “The Dark Knight
Rises” were left off the list of best pictures,
both proving to be very popular and high
grossing films of the year.
But one of the most consistent but still surprising snubs went to Leonardo Dicarprio
for his role in “Django Unchained,” which is
nominated for best picture. Dicaprio who has
had a consistent acting career since he was
teen has only been nominated for three Oscars
and never taken home the grand prize.
CNU seems to have its own favorites of the
year. Brittany Evans, a junior, really enjoyed
“The Hobbit,” which is up for three nominations including best production design, best
visual effects and best makeup and hairstyling.
Senior Brittany Heller is rooting for “Les
Miserables,” saying, “I haven’t seen it yet, but
I heard it was pretty good.” The Oscars will
air on Feb. 24 at 7 p.m.„
film. The time period certainly leant itself
to this. The 50s were a cultured and affluent time, full of tailored clothes, beautiful
manners, flashy night clubs and fancy cars.
Fans of the HBO show Mad Men will love the
atmosphere of “Gangster Squad.”
The cast does a great job bringing the different characters to life. Josh Brolin plays
John O’Mara, a former military man and
the perfect gruff police sergeant who quietly
leads his men through danger.
Sean Penn is his worthy opponent as the
tough and ruthless Mickey Cohen, a man
who has his sights set on owning the entire
LA underworld.
Jer r y Wooters (O’M a ra’s right ha nd
man) is a witty, confident, and well-dressed
womanizer--everything that Ryan Gosling
should be. Emma Stone is the quiet and
lovely Grace Faraday, the etiquette tutor and
sometimes girlfriend of Mickey Cohen.
I’m the type of person that appreciates a
realistic movie. I don’t go for overly fantastic and or unreasonable plots. “Gangster
Squad” is perfect for anyone who enjoys an
exciting story from a wild time in American
history. And with Ryan Gosling and Emma
Stone in the same movie, what could possibly
go wrong? „
Alec Baldwin, runs a bakery called Season’s
Eatings and he appears on NPR’s Delicious
Dish to share his recipe for his world-famous
Schweddy Balls. The long-joke is just sexual
innuendos, but what makes the sketch memorable is the deadpan delivery of the radio talk
show hosts played by Ana Gasteyer and Molly
Shannon.
Air Date: 12/12/98
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Starring: Norm MacDonald, Will Ferrell,
Jimmy Fallon, and Darrell Hammond
The sketch succeeds at reflecting the stupidity of celebrities by showing their incompetence in answering absurd questions. But
the true comedy of the sketch is the unrelenting barrage of mom jokes Connery (Darrell
Hammond) throws at Alex Trebek (Will Ferrell).
Air Date: 1/23/99
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Starring: Will Ferrell, Christopher Walken,
Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan, Chris Parnell,
Horatio Sanz
The single sketch that resides in the highest area of the Saturday Night Live echelon
is all thanks to Bruce Dickenson, “yes, the
Bruce Dickenson,” executed perfectly by
Christopher Walken and Will Ferrell’s frenzied back-up percussionist. Don’t let the popculture over-saturation diminish the comedic
richness of this highly re-watchable skit.
Air Date: 4/8/00 „
Lifestyle
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BY HANNAH GATENS
H A N NA H.GAT ENS.10 @ CN U.EDU
Since we were little girls, we’ve all been told
that there is a certain somebody out there for
all of us. We’ve been raised on Disney movies;
thus, we have high expectations. When we
were five years old, John Smith and Prince
Eric were our boyfriends (preferably Prince
Eric—he had that super f luffy sheepdog.)
Unfortunately, I don’t think those relationships lasted indefinitely for anyone, but we
were assured that when we found our “perfect
boy”, he would surely be our “Knight in Shining Armor”. We might even have our own
modern day Romeo beckoning to us about
“what light through yonder window breaks”.
And while Taylor Swift has pretty thoroughly
serenaded us with what the perfect boy is not,
how do girls at Christopher Newport University picture their Prince Charming?
Besides the obvious (British accent, traveling musician, a hunk of burning love), does he
have all the smoothness of Ryan Gosling? Is
he charming, quirky and ridiculously attractive? Perhaps CNU ladies have a thing for
goof balls like Jason Segel—cute, silly and a
little dorky. Or maybe girls are still chasing
the bad boy. Are we still feeling John Mayer
and his dark, misunderstood, never- knowwhat- he’s- thinking vibe? Either way, fellas,
take notes; the ladies of CNU are spilling and
we’re getting to the bottom of this.
To preface, it’s pretty well known that most
girls think about boys, a lot. Relationships
seem so easy to attain based on what the
media shows us, but they typically don’t work
that way.
Boys can be the single most frustrating,
confusing and maddening creatures. Through
experience, girls have figured out exactly how
to tread and proceed with caution. It’s not that
girls don’t love when guys tell them exactly
what they want to hear in their mission for a
one night rendezvous. Really, it’s great (it’s not
great.) However, even after the on-again/offagain relationships, the awareness of the ticking marriage clock and the times we swore off
men forever-- girls still have all the hope in the
world of finding their perfect match. Maybe
that’s why it’s so easy for girls to describe
their perfect boy. Girls don’t scope out the boys
in our new classes, use our peripheral vision
to our advantage in Einstein’s or have a loving
relationship with our sun glasses for more
than the sole purpose of eye protection for
nothing. Ladies know what they want when it
ANNOUNCING:
Cutest Kiss on Campus
Contest
Do you and your sweetheart have a
kiss that would even make Bella and
Edward cringe?
Submit a photo of your “cutest kiss”
to [email protected]
DQGHQWHUIRUDFKDQFHWRZLQÁRZHUV
and a dinner for two!
Submissions due by: Feb. 12
comes to this subject.
Senior Rachel Jackson dished out what she
thinks the perfect boy would be. She said he
needs to be someone who is “funny, caring
and respectful.” In regards to herself, Jackson
claimed she wants “somebody who is outgoing
because [she’s] quiet [herself ] and someone
who will take the time to be with [her].” She
also said it wouldn’t hurt for him to be a little
nerdy, because she would enjoy someone who
appreciates that she likes Lord of the Rings
and Star Wars.
Jess Barnes, a sophomore, wants “someone
who can listen and is good to cuddle with.”
That may be a solid note for the boys to jot
down. It’s a pretty unanimous decision among
girls: cuddle skills= good.
Junior Sarah Thomas knows exactly what
she wants in a boy.
Thomas said, “Mine would have to be someone who, even if I offer, is always going to pay
for dinner; someone who is caring and sensitive to my emotions. Also, someone who isn’t
going to try and change me, but accepts me for
who I am.”
Erin Gallagher, a junior, says her perfect
boy “has to be intelligent, has to be able to
“Oasis”
A Short Story by John-Michael Jalonen
Pain shot through his body. The sparks reawakened his mind. His wits, however: was
there any hope for them? The sores on his bare feet filled with the sand of the Desert that
fed on him. Eaten alive. Hope had left him long before. She had too. He wondered what
Hell would be like. Perhaps he had died in the crash, and the Desert was his eternity.
How much longer could he last? Every morning, the landscape never changed. Every
dune and valley looked the same as one he’d seen before. Perhaps he was walking in
circles. The idea made him chuckle.
What if one of my legs is shorter than the other, and I’ve never known it? My whole life
I’ve been walking around and around, going nowhere. She would’ve pointed it out.
He heard the laughter. Her laugh. Her wide smile, pulled back at the corners that
showed her teeth. She hated it, but it was perfect. He could taste the last drink that they
had shared together. It was some brand of cheap red wine, the kind you buy as an afterthought at the grocery store. Her perfume always lingered long after she left. He could
almost smell it. He would never see her again, not that she would have wanted to. He
almost cried, but he couldn’t afford to waste the water. He blamed her sometimes. She
left, and he had to get away. If he had known about the crash that left him stranded and
dying, Mediocrity could have been the greatest adventure. He was weak.
Give up.
That cold whisper in his ear begged him to relent. This day was his last and he knew
it. He knelt, and the sun bit the back of his neck. It was over. He started to dig, and his
smile grew wider with each handful of wretched sand that he unearthed. His thirst tortured him. All he needed was some water; perhaps the strength would have risen inside
of him, and he could have continued his pathetic exodus. As the sun descended he stood
to admire his work.
It’s perfect.
When the moon was in full view, he laid down for the last and very first time. He
pulled the sand over him, and it felt cool as it weighed him down. He buried himself,
grain by grain, and prayed to be forgiven.
I left the kitchen light on. Damn it.
He finally covered his body, ready to dream his life away. A shiver in his back startled
him. Death? A sensation passed through him, again and again. The tingling reached his
fingertips. He was wet. It spread quickly. It was around his ears, and then his mouth. He
could taste it. It flowed to his nose, and he inhaled. He was drowning. All he had needed
was right there, under the sand. It could have kept him alive if only he’d had the sense
to look for it, the desire to actually find it. He laughed in spite of himself. He heard her
laugh mix with his, and he saw her smile again.
She always told me I should drink more water.
Are you a writer? Do you have an imagination the size of the unbounded Sun?
Do you awaken from the twilight of your slumber with tales of lust, love, and life’s
luminescence enveloping your soul? Are you good with punctuation; The Captain’s
Log wants your Short Stories!
If you’d like your work featured in the Lifestyle Section, submit your 400-550
word story to Stephanie Alexander at: [email protected].
have a conversation and he has to make me
laugh. It really helps if he can cook. Guys
underestimate how valuable it is to know how
to cook. I also like it if he has something he’s
really passionate about and he has something
he loves with all of his heart.”
Apparently food is the easiest way to a girl’s
heart.
See guys, girls know what they want, and
they’re not asking for too much. Don’t get girls
wrong, they’d never settle, but perfection can
come in a lot of different forms. Don’t be mistaken, girls definitely know it’s not a one way
street. They want to make boys as happy as
they hope you’ll make them. Also, just to add,
guys don’t necessarily have to be as “tough” as
the world has deemed you’re supposed to be;
girls want to stand up for you too and a little
vulnerability never hurt anyone, did it?
As a final thought: Boys, in the future, when
you do become somebody’s perfect man, don’t
be too intimidated by a father sitting on a front
porch with a shotgun across his lap asking
about your intentions with his daughter. Treat
her right and you’ll get the seal of approval
before you know it. „
Campus
Curiosities
with A.J. Jelonek
At the end of University Place
on East Campus, the road
dead-ends onto a cemetery. It
is owned by The First Baptist
Church Morrison. Their
congregation used to meet in
a building across the street by
the Freeman Center.
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BY EBONY BROWN
EBON Y.BROW N.0 9 @ CN U.EDU
Everyone makes them, and swears they’re
going to stick to them, but within a few days
these promises are completely thrown out the
window. The mark of a new year starts a wave
of rejuvenation. Many believe they are going to
conquer some major feat, start a new lifestyle,
become a brand new person, and somehow,
typically this enchanting attitude usually
wears off before the 365 days are up.
New Year resolutions are not at all a modern
idea. Resolutions date back to biblical times.
The Babylonians would make promises to
their gods to return back borrowed times and
repay their debts. In medieval times, knights
were known to take the “peacock vow” at the
start of a new year, recommitting themselves
to chivalry.
S ome of t he mo st p opu l a r New Ye a r
resolutions nowadays include losing weight,
quitting smoking, limiting debt, take a trip,
and volunteering. T y pical ly, New Year’s
resolutions are self-bettering promises.
Different connotations come along with
the stigma of making New Year’s resolutions.
There’s the notion that people make these
promises and then forget about them in a few
weeks, never carrying them out.
Around Christopher Newport University,
this same notion seems to ring true with most
students. While some students have made
New Year’s resolutions and remain avid about
sticking to them, many aren’t even bothering.
Senior Ashley Cook said, “ I don’t really do
them. They’re really cliché and I never follow
through.”
Senior Dianna Neufang said, “I haven’t even
made any this year because I always break
them.” However, others do at least try even
if their New Year’s resolution seem a little
trivial.
Junior Noah Jefferson admitted, “Yeah,
it’s a little cliché, but mine was doing well in
school and so far that’s going good.”
So, why even ma ke t hem? New Yea r’s
resolutions seem to give people a sense of hope
and gives them something to strive for, even
if only for a few weeks. Everyone appreciates
that feeling. When resolutions are made, they
seem obtainable, but statistics still reveal
some disheartening facts about New Year’s
resolutions. According to Psychology Today, at
least 50 percent of people in the United States
make New Year’s resolutions. 22 percent of
that statistic fails after one week; 40 percent
after one month, and three months into the
year 50 percent fail at keeping their promise.
Psychologists offer plenty of sound advice
about setting and keeping these goals. Firstly,
they recommend being clear and specific
about what you plan on achieving. Next, it
is important to monitor and keep track of
these goals. Finally they recommend having
self- control and self-regulation. It’s a hard
fight, a long journey, and a testament to what
willpower really means. „
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BY HILLARY PUCKETT
H I L L A RY.PUCK ET T.0 9 @ CN U.EDU
For the men and women serving in the
United States Army and in armed forces
around the world, wearing combat boots comes
as second nature. But these days, combat boots
are making the move from the war zone to the
street, and fearless fashionistas are showing
that these boots are made for walking.
In addition to being the trusted footwear of
the Armed Forces in the United States, United
Kingdom, Australia, France, Sweden and
Norway, combat boots are also closely tied
with the goth, punk and grunge cultures. In
the 1960s and 1970s, some women worked their
combat boots with baby doll dresses to make
a sartorial statement that they were both
feminine and stylish warriors. Even though
combat boots are a little more mainstream
than they appeared even in the 1990s, today
they add just the right amount of edge to any
look.
With the return of combat boots to the
fashion radar, it comes as no surprise that
other military pieces are making a comeback
as well.
Freshman Viktoria Seay took advantage of
one of this season’s biggest trends by rocking
her Forever 21 combat boots with an army
green jacket, perfectly complemented by her
simple mustard yellow shirt, denim miniskirt
and basic black leggings.
Combat boots also make a
g reat cou nter poi nt to more
conventional yet edgy winter
layers. Sophomore Heat her
Bridges rocked her combat
boots from the Richmond thrift
store Rumors with the ultimate
cold weather chic look of black
leggings and a Fair Isle sweater
over a trendy denim shirt. She
finished off her cozy and cool
ensemble with a leather jacket
and a big cream-colored scarf.
A s c ombat boot s go more
moder n, fashionistas are
broadening their horizons and
pairing the boots with trendier
looks. Junior Chantal Thomas
was the epitome of boho-chic
in her Macy’s combat boots,
denim shirt, black leggings and
glamorous fur vest. To top off her funky
outfit, she added a fun floral black headband
from her roommate and a fabulous arm party
of assorted bracelets over a classic watch.
Between the Sheets
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Si nce combat boots a re f i rst
and foremost a mi litary staple, it
makes sense that fashionistas and
fashionistos alike choose the boots
for their comfort and durability.
Combat boots are designed to last
through even the most extreme
changing conditions, and this
durability advantage over other
f a sh ion b o ot s m a ke s t hem
perfect come rain, snow, or
any unpredictable weather
on c a mpus. T he longer
lifespan contributes to the
vi nt age vib e of combat
boots, and therefore they
are available everywhere
f rom t he ma l l to t he
commissary. Now every
college student can be a
stylish warrior in chic combat
boots without breaking the bank or sacrificing
comfort for fashion. „
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BY THE GIRL NEXT DOOR
CN USGI R LN EXT DOOR @ GM A I L .COM
Accordi ng to M aslow’s Hiera rchy of
Needs, people need sex - def initely not
more than food, water, and sleep but it’s a
necessity. Unfortunately, there are many
people out there who remain unsatisfied and
sexually frustrated from a lack of creativity
and adventure in the bedroom. People
have been experimenting for a millennia
on what positions are the best, yet so many
people fall back on the missionary position,
literally. And for good reason. Apparently
in Virginia you can only have sex in the
missionary position (the male is on top of
the female during intercourse and they are
facing each other, in case you didn’t know)
and you have to have the lights off. However
if you are planning on getting out of the
state (or plan on not attracting the attention
of law enforcement during coitus), here is
some information so you can figure out your
favorite sex position.
Now, I would hate to offend all those people
out there who are forced to read this column
every week when they just don’t want to, so
I’ll try and keep the descriptions as tame as
possible. I’m pretty sure all of us understand
the basic mechanics of one person’s genitalia
entering another person’s, so I’m going to try
to just let you know what you are supposed to
be doing with the rest of your body in these
positions because whether it’s just a kiss or
a home run, someone out there is usually
wondering, “What am I supposed to do with
my hands?!”
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Slow Rock i ng (va riation of basic
missionary) - Lay on top of your partner, face
to face, and slowly rock your bodies together
in a rhythmic pattern. The person on top can
use their hands to prop their body slightly if
necessary. This position gets you two very
close, and also allows for free hands to caress
their face, hair, and body.
The Bermuda Triangle (variation
of basic missionary) - Ladies, this position,
which starts out simple, quickly puts you in
control. Ladies are on the bottom with their
legs bent so they make a triangle like shape.
The bottom tells the partner on top to get on all
fours and not to move, while the woman on the
bottom lifts her pelvis. This is not going to feel
natural for most guys; they may feel a bit lost
at first because they don’t have to do anything.
The person on the bottom is able to control the
speed and intensity of penetration.
Saucy Spooning – You and your partner
lie on your sides facing the same direction,
with the penetrating partner behind. This
position is good for long lovemaking sessions
as it requires people to move slower and more
sensually because it isn’t easy to make quick
motions while on your side. The “little spoon”
also has the ability in this position to guide
their partner’s hands with their own to the
parts of their body they want touched.
Perfect Timing – The male sits in a
low chair with his legs relaxed. His partner
straddles his lap. She should slowly lower
herself on him inch by inch. Eventually
the woman will be fully seated on top of her
partner. Hands will be free to explore each
other’s bodies. However, this position allows
for a lot of body contact, so feel free to show
affection to your partner with long kisses,
hugs, and caresses. This position also allows
for a high chance of climaxing together, which
is a very intimate experience to share.
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The Human V – The penetrating partner
is sta ndi ng, whi le face to face wit h t he
receiving partner who is sitting on a table or
some other surface level with the penetrating
partner’s pelvis. The partner on the table then
proceeds to put their ankles on their standing
significant other’s shoulders, the receiving
partner may want to hold onto their ankles.
The penetrating partner will want to put their
arms around their sitting significant other’s
back so they can pull them close.
360 Degrees – This position should be
approached with caution. Basically it will
start out as a basic missionary, but slowly the
man on top will use his arms and legs to slowly
spin his body in a 360 degree circle without
exiting his partner. If you need a visual, the
guy is basically going to be a boat propeller.
This will have a lot of movement, so be aware
of where hands and feet are going so no one
gets hurt, and remember to go slow. The penis
and vaginal wall are very delicate. It would be
a shame to rip something.
He a d s Up , He a d s D ow n – T he
penet rati ng pa r t ner shou ld be k neeli ng
on the ground with their legs making a 90
degree angle. The receiving partner will
end up upside down and facing away from
the penetrating partner, so their head and
shoulders are on the ground and their body
is parallel to their significant other’s. Ideally
the receiving partner’s legs/ankles should be
resting on the penetrating partner’s shoulders.
Partners should hold onto each other’s legs for
stability. This position requires adjusting for
height disparity, so be patient. „
Meet Your Captains
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BY JOHN-MICHAEL JALONEN
I’ve said so far.
JOH N M ICH A EL .JA LON EN @ CN U.EDU
If your life were a song, what song would it
be?
The “Pokémon Theme Song” is one that
comes to mind. That, and “Imagine” by
John Lennon.
What’s your name?
Aaron Goldstein
What’s your year?
I’m a freshman.
If you only had five days to live, what would
you do?
I would throw a Going Away par ty.
I would apolog ize to people that I’ve
wronged. I would go see a play on Broadway. And rob two banks. In that order. I
don’t want to apologize to the banks.
What’s your major?
Mathematics
What/who is your inspiration and why?
Probably John Green and his brother
Hank Green. I love their website, Nerdfighters.com. I am very fond of their
love of intellectualism and their passion
for living.
If you could achieve one dream in your
life, what would it be?
To become a Broadway performer.
People wouldn’t expect that from a
Math major, but yeah, I’d love to be
onstage like that.
If you could have dinner with one person,
dead or alive, who would it be and why?
Neil Patrick Harris. I have a man
crush on him.
Do you want that to be your reason?
Yeah, I want to put that in the paper.
Everybody should know, and everybody
should agree! He’s awesome.
Where do you see yourself in ten years?
It varies. Depends on the day. Sometimes I see myself with a family, work-
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What are your passions?
Acting, singing, dancing, playing guitar.
I love astronomy.
What makes you angry?
i ng somepl ace t hat i nvolves physics.
Injustice. People who perpetuate an
Jefferson Lab, NASA, that sort of thing. unbalanced, unfair society. It irritates me.
Other times I see myself on stage. I’m kind The philosophy of free will.
of caught between the two.
Free will makes you angry?
What’s your most embarrassing moment?
It makes me anxious.
There was a hole in my pants, in the
worst possible location. A friend saw
Do you have any weird habits?
me, and she covered her eyes and started
I do this. [Makes contorted face]
saying, “Dude crotch! Dude crotch!”
What is that?
Were you not wearing underwear that day
It’s my fish face! I do it all the time.
or something?
Being goofy is a habit of mine, but I guess
No, no, it wasn’t that bad. But there were that’s not too out of the ordinary. I like
visible sections. [Laughs]
prolonged eye contact, it makes me laugh.
„
That may be the best answer you’ve given.
It’s definitely the most profound thing
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BY STEPHEN BOLLES
ST EPH EN.BOL L ES.11@ CN U.EDU
Alright, let me be the first to say: My last
column was a bit much. Although it wasn’t
one of my proudest moments, I don’t regret
writing it. George Carlin, arguably one of the
best comedians of all time once said, “I think
it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where
the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.”
Well I certainly found that line! If you’re
offended by anything I write, that’s fantastic,
let me know. But let ME know. There is no
reason anyone else but MYSELF should be
criticized for what I write in MY column. I
recently learned that no one complains to me
about my column. Instead, they complain to
Dean Hughes, the paper’s advisor Dr. Lee,
our editor-in-chief Darryl, and pretty much
anyone but me. I write the Comedy Column.
I jizzed in the shower at a hotel. Not Dean
Hughes… as far as I know. And the fact that
other people are getting credited (albeit
negatively) with the awful things that I write
is kind of offensive to me, as the writer. Yes,
even I can be offended. Shocking, I know.
With all of that being said, I’d like to
respond to an article in the Opinion section
titled “In response to the Comedy Column
and Between the Sheets” written by Karen
Shea, which I assume is a false name because
I can’t find a CNU student by that name
on Facebook. Yes, I am an investigative
journalist as well as a comedian, so long as I
don’t have to leave the realm of Facebook.
In the article, Karen refers to my column
and the Between the Sheets columns, saying
they both “promote dangerous and hurtful
behavior,” and goes so far as to personally
attack me and CNU’s Girl Next Door (which
I will abbreviate as GND), by saying “Both
of these people use promiscuity to fill a
void in their lives.” She also felt the need
to falsely accuse GND by saying she was
too “ashamed” to publish her real name.
Referring to my latest column at the time
about Get-A-Room (which is still a real thing
and we’re open for business), she wrote, “The
young man’s recent column, renting out his
dorm room, is a tragedy, not a comedy” when
in fact it is neither a tragedy nor a comedy.
It happens to be the most genius business
venture anyone on this campus has ever
seen. I’m surprised my roommates and I
haven’t gotten an honorary degree from the
Luter School of Business for such ingenuity.
She then calls out the editors and advisors
of the Captain’s Log for “promoting garbage”
and says “Sure [it] makes for titillating
readers—is that how you attract readers?”
Two things: First of all, yes. Second of all…
haha, you said “tit.”
In regards to your question asking if
we’ve thought about our columns impact on
“prospective high school students… younger
siblings visiting… Relatives, alumni and
benefactors”… I’ve said it before, and I’ll
say it again. This is the Captain’s Log. The
students barely read it. Let alone, kids who
aren’t even students. Though our readership
does seem to be climbing because people who
don’t even go to CNU are complaining about
the paper. These are good problems to have!
“I will be praying for you.” I think you were
referring to Darryl, but Lawd knows I need it
too. This whole time you’ve been discussing
how my column and the Between The Sheets
column is filth and that we should clean up
our act. While I think our columns both
maintain some form of dignity, I personally
did hit a new low last week. If you know me,
you know I’m a smoker. But last week… I
bought a carton of cigarettes.
W hen you buy a carton of cigarettes,
you’re saying a lot of things. You’re saying,
“I look forward to an untimely death.” When
you ask the person behind the counter for a
carton, your mouth says, “I’d like a carton.”
But what you’re really saying is, “If I could
smoke more than I already do, I would.”
When you buy a carton of cigarettes, you are
revered. The guy that comes in and buys two
packs a day, whatever, who cares? But if a
guy comes in and buys a carton… you know
that guy has seen some shit and doesn’t want
to live too long to remember it. Sad thing is,
I haven’t seen anything. I have no excuse. I
just hate walking to 7/11 in the cold so I buy
in bulk.
It appears I’ve used the entire column to
respond to concerns that should have been
emailed to me in the first place, which is
too bad because I wanted to talk about the
sororities’ Bid Day and the unbelievable
amount of estrogen there was in the Trible
Plaza last Sunday night. As I passed through
the Plaza listening to the screaming and
crying and hugging, I didn’t even notice
my cigarette had turned into a tampon. But
as much as I want to make fun of sororities
(again) it appears that I am out of space.
The only reason I felt the need to respond
to your article, Karen, is because I am
responsible for my own content, and I alone
should have the responsibility of responding
to criticisms. I also responded because my
friends and fans have come to expect me
to respond to articles criticizing me in the
paper. Just ask Interfraternity Council and
Panhellenic Council! Anyway, I hope this
column didn’t piss you off as much! I’m
sorry, my computer changes fonts when it
knows I’m lying. „