September - Amazon Web Services

THE
RED LION
THE OFFICIAL JOURNAL OF THE UNIVERSITY OF
VOLUME: XIV
MANITOBA ENGINEERING SOCIETY WINNIPEG, MANITOBA
ISSUE: I
SEPTEMBER 2005
EITC: The Future of Engineering
THE
RED LION
Volume 14, Issue 1, September 2005
The Red Lion Staff:
Tyler Shipman -------------------------------- Head Editor
Kristin Holmes ------------------------- Graphics/Layout
Marc Seewald ---------------------------------------- Writer
Feature Articles:
EITC - The Guided Tour
6
View from Big Blue
11
The Lost Art of Villiany
12
The Green Shirt Theory
16
African Aid
17
Terrorism; Smerrorism
18
Long Gone...
24
Ajay Friesen ------------------------------------------- Writer
Jay Sethi ----------------------------------------------- Writer
Contributors:
Dr. Ron Britton
Andrew Bugera
Dan Ducharme
Daryl Godkin
If you would like to contribute to the Red Lion
please email or drop off your submission to the
address below:
The Red Lion
E2-292 Engineering
University of Manitoba
75A Chancellors Circle
Winnipeg, Manitoba
R3T 5V6
Phone: (204) 474-6362
Email: [email protected]
www.umes.mb.ca/redlion
Regular Content:
Calendar of Events
4
Competitive Edge
10
RL Boy
14
RL Girl
15
Random Books
21
Student Group Spotlight
22
RL Remembers
26
Horoscopes
28
©2005 UMES and its licensers
September 2005
1
Tyler Shipman -Head Editor
Hi…Uh…Welcome back to a new year…
uh... as you can see we’ve made some
changes to the lion, hopefully all for the
better…Oh yeah, I guess I should introduce myself. My name is Tyler Shipman
and I make up 1/5th of this year’s Red Lion
team. So, yeah… We are always looking for
contributors to this illustrious magazine as
well as feedback. In other words, if you like
what we’re doing we would like to know,
and if you don’t like it, again we would like
to know. Then we can adjust our content
to suit your needs. So send complaints, accolades or submissions to us by emailing
them to [email protected] or dropping them off in our mail box in the UMES
offices, E2-292.
[email protected]
Kristin Holmes -Graphics/Layout
Howdy all and welcome back! Hopefully
you all had a wonderful and relaxing summer. Ya Right! I’m really starting to believe
that old school saying, “no rest for the wicked”. But I have to say, I had an excellent
summer hanging out with friends, new and
old. With that said, I am excited to be back
at school for my last (knock on wood) year
in this wonderful Faculty. I think the one
Marc Seewald -Writer
Summer’s done, and it’s time to see the new
building. I hope everybody out there had
as good a summer (or at the very least, as
drunk a summer) as I did! Anyways, as I’m
writing this the peeps in the background
are preparing for frosh days, hopefully they
go as well as last year. I am as excited as
the rest of you to see the new building, and
really excited to not need to walk all over
Ajay Friesen -Writer
Dang it…is summer over already? Are
you sure? You are! I’m supposed to what?
… write what? … make up something for
whom? The Red Lion? What the heck is
the Red Lion? The UMES publication?
never heard of it! I have eh? Crap. Who
smells in here? It’s who? Me?! I don’t think
so…. Oooh, you might be right. I haven’t
showered since when? Why? I passed
Jay Sethi -Writer
This is Jay signing in for a great year full
of Red Lion fun. I’m currently in my final
year of Computer Engineering, after a
long 4 year trek. During this time I’ve seen
the end of an era with the demolition of
an engineering building, (and the start of
a project with the construction of a new
one.) There’s been late labs, early classes,
and a year working in Toronto to top it all
2
2
The Red Lion
thing that I am most thrilled about is this
shiny new building that opened on the first
of Sept. And what is the most exciting thing
about this new building? Not having to run
all over campus for classes in the dead of
winter, of course. Woo Hoo! Check out our
EITC Guided Tour included in this Lion to
learn more about E2.
[email protected]
the damn campus all year (didn’t you love
going from Armes to St.Pauls when it was
-40°C out?) Good luck to everyone in the
year ahead and watch out for those ducks (I
don’t know either).
[email protected]
out where? That explains the smell. So, I
need to write something for the Red Lion.
Two things? Three? I didn’t sign up for
this shit. I did eh? That doesn’t sound like
something I’d say.
[email protected]
off. And somehow I’m going to turn all
this into something that’s interesting to
read. Hope you enjoy it!
[email protected]
Message from
the Dean...
Welcome to your new home.
Although we will not move in
completely until next year, you
can start enjoying the benefits
of the new building today. The
wait is partially over but the
pain will continue, although at
a reduced level for about another year. That is because the
next stage of construction is to
completely renovate Building
1. In the meantime, the Atrium
is open for business as are all
of the classrooms and facilities
of Building 2. And yes, Room
229 is back, bigger and better
than ever!
I must however caution everyone that part of our complex,
Building 1, is still a construction zone. This means that we
are still restricted in where we
can go and what we can do.
For this reason, I am repeating
what I said in last year’s Red
Lion:
“The first duty of an engineer
is to protect the public. When
you graduate and go on to the
practise of engineering, you
will be required by law to put
public safety first in everything you do. Our civilization
runs as smoothly as it does because engineers are very well
“trusted”. Have you ever approached a highway bridge and
wondered if it is safe to cross?
Likely not. That is because
highway bridges rarely fail.
And they rarely fail because
an engineer took personal responsibility for the safety of
that bridge. The same can be
said for many of our systems.
Our power supply, our water
supply, our waste disposal system, our food systems, manufactured goods, computers, all
the goods and services that we
depend on. I am not saying that
these things work perfectly all
the time. But when you think
of what a small proportion of
these systems do fail and the
literally millions of people
who make use of them every
day, you cannot fail to be impressed.
So where am I going with this?
You will notice that there are
signs with dire warnings at every entrance to the construction
site. Construction safety is every bit as important as the safe
design of the final building. A
construction site has been described as the most dangerous
place outside of a war zone.
With trip hazards, fall hazards,
overhead hazards, and every
other known and sometimes
unknown hazard, accidents
are simply waiting to happen.
To ensure that only qualified
people and those trained in
proper safety procedures enter
the site, the site is off-bounds
to all unauthorized people.”
However, as work progresses,
there will be opportunities for
students to tour the building.
These tours will be organized
through Janice in the Dean’s
office. UMES can also help
with the arrangements. This is
a great opportunity to see engineering in action.
Over the next few weeks, we
will be putting finishing touches on Building 2. Some equipment nis still being installed
and we have not worked out
all of the logistics in our offices. However, these kinks will
be ironed out shortly. Please
bear with us. The important
thing to remember is that on
September 23 at 2:00pm we
will have a grand opening of
the building. And everyone is
invited.
Welcome back!
-Douglas Ruth, P. Eng., Ph.D.
merchandise is also available
at The Window, including shot
glasses, pint glasses and new tshirts. UMES now has a fully
functional website at www.
umes.mb.ca. As well, watch for
UMES Council members talking before a few of your core
courses to keep you informed
about upcoming events.
Message from
the Senior Stick...
Hello everyone,
Welcome back for another
exciting year of class, fun, and
of course Red Lion’s. The Red
Lion editors have given me
this space for a brief message,
to you the students, in every
issue. For those of you who
don’t know me I am Ryan Supeene, a 6th year Computer
Engineering Student.
This year is extremely exciting for the whole faculty with
the new building being complete. We are now all together
again and, I don’t know about
you but I am very excited to
be back in engineering. As
Senior Stick it is my goal this
year is that UMES Student
Council continues to provide
fun events and useful services
to all engineering students.
As well, I hope to take advantage of the new building by
bettering the communication
between all engineering students.
There are a lot of exciting
events taking place over the
next few weeks including the
new Engineering buildings
grand opening on September
23rd, the new Driving Forward
networking golf tournament
on September 24th and the
Wise Guys 101 Social on September 30th. The Engineering
Student Groups such as CSCE,
UMSAE and IEEE also have
numerous events including
conferences and competitions
for you to check out.
With all the things going on
around Campus this year I
encourage all of you to get involved. Good luck with your
courses and coming into the
new building. If you have any
questions or concerns send me
an email or drop by the UMES
Office in Room 292 in the new
Engineering 2.
Take care,
Ryan Supeene
Senior Stick
[email protected]
There are numerous new services being offered by UMES
Student Council this year.
There is a new lounge with
couches to relax on in between
classes and a 5 cent photocopier so that you have easy to
find and inexpensive copying.
“The Window”, the engineering store, is re-opening so that
you can pick up your engineering merchandise and tickets to
all engineering events. New
September 2005
3
Calendar of Events
September
6-7 Engineering Orientation
8
First Day of Classes
9
“Out on the Street” Engineering BBQ
Welcome the frosh to their new home and our new home too!
Find out how much you forgot over the summer.
Beer and a BBQ. What more could you ask for?
8-12 Frosh President Nominations
13-14
Frosh President Campaign
15-16
Frosh President Elections
23
Yes, Frosh CAN make a difference!
Garnering support for all the candidates.
Okay, this is pretty self-explanatory...
Engineering 2 Grand Opening Gala
23
Faculty of Engineering Homecoming
30
Wise Guys 101
October
6
Come on down and celebrate the opening of our new building!
Our Alumni come to visit!
The First Engineering Social of the year, come out and have a blast!
ASE Career Fair
Agriculture, Science and Engineering companies are looking for you.
12-13
UMEC
22
Dodge Ball
Bear Pit Session
27
Compete against your peers in a battle of the brains.
Gather up your friends and have some fun playing this old school game!
Tell Dean Ruth all your Engineering beefs.
November
17
19
4
Outreach Day
High school students check out engineering.
Spongee
22
Fall Iron Ring Ceremony
4
The Red Lion
Beer and sponge hockey. Don’t forget your helmet!
Graduates finally getting what they deserve.
NOTICE
-AJB
WANTED FOR UNAUTHORIZED TIME-TRAVEL
Conan O'Brien
AKA
Donald Trim
The Temporal Preservation Agency has learned that the above-pictured
individual has violated regulations regarding interaction with your past self.
During Inspection #136151, O'Brien/Trim was found to be instructing a
group of students in topics far exceeding their ability to comprehend on their
own. Due to this willful violation of the Time Code, O'Brien/Trim's Travel
Authority has been revoked until he can stand trial for Influence of a Past
Time-Line.
WARNING:
DO NOT APPROACH – MAY ATTEMPT
TO TEACH YOU CALCULUS
September 2005
5
EITC -The Guided Tour
By Kristin Holmes, 4th Year Mechanical
F
inally is about the only
word I can think of to start
out this article. Yes ‘finally’, as
in, this building is finally open
for us to utilize. Finally, UMES
is not in that little ‘pit’ (Note:
St. John’s Student Association
named it that, not me.) that it
has been for the past few years
of eternity. Finally, we have a
nice, new, shiny building that
we can call our own. Sorry, I
think I’m overdoing this ‘finally’ thing, but it isn’t without good reason. It has felt a
lot like forever since they first
started tearing down the original Engineering II, which, funny enough, is about the same
length as an Engineering degree
(They tore down the building in
my first year and now we get to
move in; my last year).
A
s interesting and surprising
as the last four years have
Y
The 1st Floor:
ou now find yourself in
the basement or 100 level
of E2. Hang a left at the concrete wall and go through the
doors on your right. You will
see E2-165 across the hall from
the stairs you just went down.
If you stand with your back to
this room you will see the doors
you just came through from the
stairs, as well as another set of
doors to the right of those. This
is the entrance to the new tunnel to the universities’ Administration building. Now turn to
6
6
The Red Lion
been for us students running all
over campus to attend classes,
there has been no shortfall of
surprises for the persevering
workers of PCL and their fellow contractors. Ask any contractor, construction worker or
Engineer, renovating and building anew amongst buildings
where the youngest is almost
forty years old is nothing short
of a miracle. One might think
that the actual original building
plans would be correct, but no,
not quite. And who would think
that brick and structural walls
would want to stand straight and
maintain their stability after 72
years? Well, those that would
are most definitely wrong.
T
hese and other interesting
facts about our newest addition to the Engineering building family will be discussed in
the following; a complete ‘get
your left and take a look down
to the opposite end of the hallway. On your right hand side,
as well as on your left you will
see the doorways to some of
the larger classrooms situated
in the basement of this building. These are rooms E2-165,
155, 160, 150, 130 and 110.
All of these classrooms feature
sloping floors, where structual
conditions would permit, to
give you, the student of course,
an excellent view of your professor’s presentations. This is a
far improvement from the class-
to know your building’ guided
walking tour. Yes, this is just
like one of those walking tours
you get at fancy tourist attraction, which would take you
through a museum, for example,
and tell you about various highlights of the place you happen
to be visiting. An added plus:
it gets you walking around,
which is something that some
of us book nosed Engineering
students don’t get enough of.
would like to draw your attention to the façade of the new
EITC building. You’ll notice
the use of brick and Tyndall
stone on the exterior. This was
the architect tying in the brick
from Engineering I, built in
1918, and the Tyndall stone
from Engineering III, which
was built in 1967; making E2 a
sort of modern interpretation of
the two buildings combined.
L
Outside:
et’s head into the building,
shall we. Once through the
door make an immediate u-turn
to the right and go through the
doorway. You are now in one
of the main stair cases of the
new building. If you want some
exercise a walk to the top will
offer some breathtaking views,
but we’ll catch those later, first
lets head down to the basement
or the 100 level.
rooms in the old E2. The minimum classroom size is 35, with
a maximum of 125. As we walk
down this hallway I would like
to point out the new open area
computer lab. Useful for those
late night assignments or just
checking your email between
classes. You will also notice
a men’s and women’s washroom adjacent to the computer
lab. While we are down here
in the basement I feel that it is
appropriate to mention one of
the neat features of this building. This building is equipped
with a one to one ratio of men’s
and women’s facilities on every
floor. The women taking this
tour will understand what a vast
improvement this is over any
other building in the engineering complex, either standing or
demolished. Now lets make our
way past room E2-110 and up
the short flight of seven steps,
then hang a left (Note: the
doors to University Centre are
on the right just past the steps)
to the foot of the main flight of
steps into the illustrious EITC
atrium.
T
o begin this tour we’ll meet
outside at the northeast
corner of the building.
F
irst, I would like to say
“Welcome!” to the UMES
guided tour of the EITC, also
known as Engineering 2 (two)
or E2, for short. My name is
Kristin and I will be your guide
for this tour. To start the tour I
B
The 2nd Floor:
efore you go running up
those steps I’m going to
have to stop you in your tracks.
First things first, from the foot
of these steps I want you to
look up, waaaay up. I know it
sounds like the beginning of a
Friendly Giant episode, but do
it anyways. Above you the roof
seems to hover at a daunting six
stories from where you stand.
Okay, now that you have taken
in the atrium from that perspective let’s go up there and take a
look around.
T
he EITC atrium was definitely built to impress,
and impress it does. When you
reach the top of the stairs turn
to the left. This is to help show
you some of these impressive
features of our new atrium.
You should now be facing east.
Across the atrium you will see
the open staircase snaking its
way to the top of the atrium. To
your right is the brick facade of
Engineering I, to the left is the
new steel and glass structure of
E2 and behind you is the Tyndall stone façade of Engineering III. If you look back and to
your right you will see the 3rd
floor patio. This is a nice place
to view the atrium from, but
we will not be going up there
on this tour. Directly behind
you is one of the entrances to
Engineering III, while another
entrance is to your left on the
other side of the stairs you just
came up. I would now like to
direct your attention to the Tim
Horton’s on the left side of the
atrium. The long lonely walks
to UC only to stand in line for
15 minutes to get a cup of coffee are no more. Okay, I’m not
guaranteeing anything about
the lines, but the long walks are
history.
A
s you look around, the
first thing most likely going through your head must be
“What happened to the glass
roof of the atrium?!?”, so I
might as well take care of that
question right now rather than
keep you in suspense any longer. To have the entire atrium
roof constructed of glass we
would have had to use one inch
structural glass. Yes, this would
have been costly and money is
not something we have a lot of
just floating around this university, but money is not the only
reason. Having a glass roof on
the atrium would have caused
other problems. The main problem, of course, has to do with
Winnipeg’s extreme yearly temperature fluctuations. The summer sun would heat up the atrium like a green house, making
summer cooling in the atrium a
real issue. Snow build up on the
roof in the winter would add it’s
own set of seasonal problems.
The second problem that could
be foreseen with a glass roof
had mainly to do with noise
damping in the new space. The
roof you see now is actually
designed for noise reduction,
as well as summer and winter
insulation. I will briefly explain
its construction. Those of you
lucky enough to be here through
construction might remember
looking in absolute puzzlement
at the corrugated steel roof being laid down and wondered
why you could actually see the
construction workers walking
around on the roof. This was the
first layer of the atrium roof. It
is actually perforated with millions of tiny holes, thus creating
that interesting effect when the
sunlight was shining through
from above. On top of that layer went a one foot thick layer
of insulatation, designed to fit
snuggly into the steel. After its
installation, the roof could be
finished following the standard
procedures. I’d like to point out
that further sound insulation
has been installed behind the
horizontal steel accents on E2.
If you take a close look you can
see the grey fabric covered panels that were put there for more
than just good looks.
B
efore we leave the atrium
I would like to point out
some of the architectural and
structural features of our atrium. Firstly, if you look down
the side of Engineering I you
will notice the large steel structural columns, as well as the
large V-shaped supports directly to your right, flanking the
north and south side of the patio. These columns, along with
Engineering I, support the south
side of the atrium roof. Despite
the possibility of designing
these columns purely for function, they were designed with
aesthetics in mind too. Many
of these columns were constructed off-campus and then
trucked in on flat beds. It was
quite a spectacle seeing one of
these things coming down Dafoe. I would like to turn your
attention to the large V-shaped
columns that I mentioned earlier. They too were constructed
off-campus and when the first
one was put into place it was
found that its horizontal crossbeam was too short to span the
distance from E1 to E3. For a
brief period a cable was used
to stabilize the structure. These
beams, having been built off
the original structural plans for
the buildings, should have fit
if building three had actually
been positioned correctly. E3,
however sits slightly askew
of where it should have been,
thus causing a minor problem,
to put it lightly. The four steel
pipes running up the side of E3
are the air intakes for the building. I find they add a nice industrial touch to the new space,
an air which all engineers must
grow accustomed to. I think the
last thing I would like to mention about the atrium before we
leave: is the openness of this
space. It’s functional but by no
means dull.
F
rom here lets head past the
Tim Horton’s to go check
out the new APEGM Design
Studio. Hang a right at the
Tim Horton’s and head down
the hall a bit. On your left are
rooms E2-210 and E2-220, E2210 being the new CAD Lab
and E2-220 being the adjacent
Machine/Production Lab. The
CAD Lab can house 40 computers to allow for a class and
instructor to enjoy a comfortable learning environment. The
adjacent Machine Lab will allow the drawings done in the
CAD Lab to be turned into real
physical models via CNC machines.
O
n the right-hand side of the
hall are the rooms E2-221
and E2-223. These will eventually become the Technical
Communications preparation
and presentation rooms. While
E1 is under renovations, however, they will have other uses.
September 2005
7
A
lright, lets take a stroll
a little further down the
hall and just before you reach
the elevators hang a left. And
this is it, room E2-229, resurrected from the old building by
students, faculty and alumni.
There was a bit of a fight to get
this room numbered 229. If you
notice, the room numbers on
this side of the hallway all are
even numbers. Originally, number 229 would have probably
ended up some broom closet,
although I cannot find it on the
initial building plans, but what
a shame that would have been.
So lets go on in and take a look
around. This space is definitely
impressive and the wall of windows on the north side allows
in tons of light, but also puts
Engineering design activities
N
ow lets head out into the
hallway and go and check
out the Dean’s new digs and the
UMES Student Council offices.
Just head east down the hall
and take the next right. Straight
down this hallway, on the left
is the Dean’s Office, room E2290. Then hang another right,
and on your right-hand side you
will see the new UMES Headquarters, room E2-292. The
window is the ‘Window’. This
is where you will go for UMES
information, UMES Merchandise, tickets for UMES events,
etc. The hours for the window
will be 10am to 4pm initially,
but may change depending on
window demand. To the left of
the UMES offices is the Engineering Student Lounge, room
E2-294. This is where you can
go to relax with your buddies
whenever school gets a little
too hectic. There is also a photocopier in the lounge with the
el’cheapo price of 5 cents per
page.
I
’d like to mention something
while we are standing by the
UMES Student Council offices.
Take a look around at where
you are: right in the heart of the
new Engineering building. My
point? The students are at the
centre of it all. In this location
we have visibility and accessibility. And who do we thank
for this? Dean Ruth, of course,
as well as countless others who
helped support his vision for
the Faculty.
W
ell, let’s head back into
to the atrium and go up
the main flight of atrium stairs
to the 300 level of the building.
When you get to the top of the
stairs I would like you to stop
and take a look at the staircase
in front of you. One flight is
parallel to the line of the new E2
building while the other flight
remains parallel to the original
1933 Engineering I building. A
neat architectural touch that I
think is worth a mention.
The 3rd Floor
W
N
ow we’re going to utilize
the elevators to zoom ourselves up to the 600 level. This
tour skips over the 400 level and
500 level because it is mainly
Computer Science and various
labs. One neat little thing that
I would like to tell you about
the elevators in E2 is that there
are two elevator shafts and two
elevator cars. This might seem
like an obvious point to some
of you, but if you have experience with the lift in E3 you will
know that sometimes things
like this can be overlooked (I
can’t take credit for that neat
building feature, but I can say,
“thanks Dr. Britton”).
T
town from campus (unless your
sitting atop the admin building
and you’d have to be crazy to
do that).
something you’ll want to keep
an eye on.
here you can see that the atrium
combines engineering ingenuity with architectural elegance
and is something all Engineers
can be proud of.
S
o, lets hang a left here and
check out the third floor.
The third floor consists of
classrooms and all of the department offices, minus Civil.
They will be located in E1 after
the renovations in there are finished. The classrooms on this
floor have a maximum size of
80 students.
The 6th Floor
he 600 level contains mainly graduate study rooms,
little of this will be accessible to
undergraduates. Never the less,
there is still some cool stuff to
see up here. When you exit the
elevator turn left and head towards the northeast corner of
the building. Turn left just before the window and go through
two sets of doors until you are
at the top of the northeast staircase. Here, at the top of one of
the building’s main staircases
you will find the most breathtaking views of the campus and
by far the best views of down-
8
on display for the rest of campus to see. Ask anyone in the
know and they will tell that this
is easily one of the best design
spaces in Canada. Feel free to
take a look around and I will
meet you at the east door of the
studio.
8
The Red Lion
alk down this hallway
and hang a right. I’m
going to wait here for you by
the elevators on the left but I
encourage you to take a quick
look around. You will find the
Biosystems and Electrical &
Computer Departments down
the hallway on the east side of
the building.
N
ow take a look straight
down from these windows
and check out the roof of the
fourth floor. It is (or will be
soon) covered in grass. This is
called a ‘living roof’, and it is
used as insulation by providing protection against the sun
and cold, as well it will absorb
excess water on the roof. This
alternate building concept is a
specially developed grass that
will actually stay short and
resist drought. It is definitely
W
hen you’re done taking
this all in, lets walk back
to the elevator and hang a left.
Walk straight out towards Engineering I and don’t stop walking until you are amazed by the
view to the right of you. This
spot atop the atrium stairs on the
walkway between E2 and E1 is
where you’ll find some of the
most spectacular views of the
atrium. If you read Dean Ruth’s
welcome in the Engenda he
mentions that this is his favorite spot to view the atrium and
it’s tough to disagree. Standing
T
his is the end of our tour. I
hope you have enjoyed it
and I would like to thank you for
your utmost attention throughout the tour. I also have to say
that I can’t take all the credit for
this tour: a big thanks goes out
to Dr. Britton who helped shed
light on the finer points of this
building. Thanks again and I’ll
see you around.
Competitive Edge
Great Northern Concrete Toboggan Race
By Dave White, 4th Year Civil
I
magine this: You’re sitting
at the top of a hill, spectators all around you, four other
people sitting behind you,
ready to race a 300 lb concrete
sidewalk to the finish line in the
distance. On top of that, you
might very well still be drunk
from the night before, and you
can’t scream ‘cause you’ve lost
your voice playing Hoe-Down
in a hotel room halfway across
the country from where you
call home. Before you know
it you’re going 70.0 km/h, and
wondering, hoping that your
brakes are going to work, so
you aren’t going to need to use
the motorcycle helmet you’re
wearing. When you get home,
people ask “WHY?!” and
you’re only reply is “Because I
can. I’m an engineer, we can do
anything”.
Before you know it
you’re going 70.0
km/h
G
reat Northern Concrete Toboggan Race (GNCTR) is
THE annual event. It combines
everything that is engineering. Design, testing, designing
again, testing again, manufacturing, documentation, reporting, marketing, planning, and
DRINKING. Oops, did I say
that last part louder? Aw well,
it’s important! Every year the U
of M puts together a team which
designs and produces a 300
lb concrete toboggan that we
race against about twenty other
universities and colleges from
across Canada. Every year each
team picks a theme, with points
awarded for costumes and team
spirit. A “technical display” is
designed and built which follows the team’s theme, and allows them to show off their creativity and technical abilities to
a series of judges.
10
10
The Red Lion
Signs You Have a
Hangover:
Last year the team
went to Calgary as
Truckers and nabbed
3rd place overall
T
he teams are judged based
on their top speed, braking
distance, concrete mix design,
brake design, team spirit, and
technical report, among other
catagories. Last year the team
went to Calgary as Truckers
and nabbed 3rd place overall.
This year, we’ve learned from
our mistakes. We will be racing
in Montreal in February, and we
are going to take first place.
-Internet Content
Television fame, at last!
On the way to the hotel
T
he three day event is guaranteed to be one of the best
experiences you will have in
your entire university career.
You are finally able to combine
all of your engineering skills
to produce a final product, and
there is so much learning along
the way. The three day event is
entirely student run, so not only
is anything possible, it’s also a
hell of a lot of fun! The cost is
only about $150, transportation,
lodging, and food included; it’s
well worth every penny!
S
McMaster University
The UofM Mother Truckers
ince many team members
recently graduated, we have
quite a few spots to fill. I encourage you to come see what
this event is all about, and you
will not be sorry you did. Anyone is welcome to join from any
discipline, frosh – this includes
you too! We welcome anyone
from any skill level to come out Sherbrook Came as Mario Brothers
and join us. To join the team
or for more information, you
can contact me, Dave White, at
[email protected] or stop
by the UMES offices.
Did somebody say “Hoe-Down!!!”
1. You’re convinced that chirping birds are Satan’s pets.
2. Trying to gain control of
the situation, you continue
to tell your room to “stay
still.”
3. Looking at yourself in the
mirror garners the same reaction as chugging a glass
of fresh paint.
4. You’d rather have a pencil
rammed up your nose than
be exposed to sunlight.
5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality
time with your toilet.
6. You replace the traditional
praying on your knees with
the more feasible praying in
a fetal position.
7. The bathroom reminds you
of a carnival barker shouting, “Step right up and give
it a whirl!”
8. All day long your motto is,
“Never again.”
9. You could purchase a new
bike just by recycling the
bottles around your bed.
10. Your natural response to
“Good morning,” is “Shut
up!”
On the slopes in Calgary
??????
The View From Big Blue
By Jay Sethi, 5th Year Computer
I
participated in the Industry
Internship Program for the
Electrical & Computer Engineering Department this past
year. I nabbed a job at IBM in
Toronto. It was great experience, and a good change in pace
from sitting in class and learning. I definitely recommend that
everyone at least look into the
coop/internship program, there
are some great opportunities offered. I’m working on my final
report, if you want an in depth
description of what I did. But
I thought I’d summarize some
of the stuff I learned that didn’t
make it into the report. Here’s
the short list:
C
offee can be substituted for
sleep at a rate of about 1
large Tim’s per 2 hours of lost
sleep. If you currently don’t
drink coffee, you only need a
medium. But be warned that
once you start, there’s no going back. And if you don’t drink
coffee, how would you take coffee breaks?
Beer tastes much better after
work. Especially if the boss is
buying. Just make sure that you
leave enough time to go home
before the next day of work. If
that’s not possible, see above.
they had the ham.
ever say “I’m not too busy
right now” or “I can help
out with that” unless you have
absolutely nothing to do, or you
genuinely want to help out with
an interesting project. Getting
computers to comply to security
and access policies is not an interesting project.
N
I
f there’s a customer somehow
involved in what you are doing, it’s always an emergency. If
there isn’t a customer involved,
it’s probably not worth doing.
This work can be pawned off to
someone who’s “not too busy”.
S
o, in short, it was an interesting year. I got some great
hands on experience, and applied some of the things I didn’t
learn in university. If you’re
getting sick of sleeping in class,
and pulling all nighters to study
for midterms, sign up for the
coop/IIP program. Then you can
try sleeping at work, and work
on emergency fixes all night. It’s
a nice change of pace.
T
he cafeteria makes much
better food than I was ever
able to make. They also make it
about 100 times faster. Unfortunately, I could not transfer to
that department, so I never did
learn their secret. I did learn to
check the daily selection, so that
I never missed the day when
IBM Intern Extraodinare
September 2005
11
The Lost Art Of Villainy
By Dan Ducharme, 5th Year Mechanical Aero Option
E
veryone has seen Super
Villains on TV, in movies, novels and comic books,
but few people know that there
was a time when people were
afraid of men wearing black
capes holding the world ransom with their death ray from
a secret base. The question is:
why aren’t we afraid of them
anymore? Do Super Villains
only exist in our imaginations
and works of fiction? It’s a
shame really; personally, I
would prefer a couple of Super
Villains wreaking havoc to the
nonsense in the world that we
are currently dealing with.
only a profound intellect, vivid
imagination and the motive to
be a bad guy. He was real.
Hinterland:Who’s Who
•
So what exactly is a Super Villain? And what makes them
different than a regular, run-ofthe-mill villain?
Vil•lain
n.
1. A cruelly malicious person
who is involved in or devoted
to wickedness or crime; scoundrel.
2. A character in a play, novel,
or the like, who constitutes an
important evil agency in the
plot.
•
•
•
ome other characteristics
of Super Villains include:
Most Super Villains employ large groups of
simple-minded and very
expendable henchmen to
assist them in their wrongdoings.
A sadistic nature and tendency to revel in their sociopathic behaviour.
A desire to commit spectacular crimes and/or rule
the world through whatever means necessary.
A colourful or outlandish
name and costume.
In The Midst Of All
The Killing And Skin
Eating, Somehow We
Forgot The Love…
1. n. an article of a superior
quality, grade, size, etc.
2. n. (in beekeeping) the portion of a hive in which honey
is stored.
3. adj. of an extreme or excessive degree: super haste.
4. adj. very good; first-rate; excellent.
t is generally accepted that
the first Super Villain (outside of ancient myth) was
Professor Moriarty, created by
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle as the
arch nemesis of Sherlock Holmes in 1891. He is also the archetypal Super Villain for this
article. Moriarty possessed no
superhuman powers/abilities,
o doubt you have heard of
Nikola Tesla’s work (like
remote control). He was a
brilliant individual with many
inventions that had the potential for unfathomable destructive power (like the famed
“Tesla Death Ray”). Tesla was
against warfare, which is why
he devised these inventions,
I
12
The Red Lion
Fun with Ray Guns
Every evil genius has an ultimate weapon. These ultimate
weapons possess enormous
destructive power, but are not
generally bombs as bombs
tend to destroy what you want
to take over, they lack precision and are unimaginative.
A proper Super Villain would
rather choose from an assortment of Death Rays and Lightning Guns instead. Remember
the Tesla Death Ray? It was
said to work by accelerating
mercury particles into a high
energy plasma beam that would
destroy anything it hit. Sounds
impressive don’t it?
S
uper Villains are also characterized by the grandeur
of their plots, schemes and
ambitions and the way they develope complex and ambitious
schemes to accumulate vast
wealth and/or power. This is
the big difference between super and regular villains. Super
Villains tend to plot crimes such
as monument defacing, theft of
“priceless” objects, and world
domination, for example. A
good Super Villain keeps their
eyes on the prize, never loses
focus, and other sports analogies regarding winning.
Su•per
12
S
but imagine for a minute if
the scientific community had
shunned and blacklisted Tesla.
Then what? Was the only thing
that kept Tesla off of a blimp
wielding a lightning gun a push
off the deep end?
N
B
The Performing Arts
ut a keen mind and vicious
demeanour is not enough
to be a true Super Villain. An
appreciation of the arts (not
Artsies, but The Arts, i.e. acting) is necessary due to the
demanding tasks of dramatic
entrances and exits, threats and
monologues that are so familiar.
A
1966 Joker about to
dehydrate the members
of the UN
Super Villain has to be a
healthy blend of charisma
and insanity. This could be a
point to ponder – are they nonexistent due to a lack of culture
in the modern world?
W
Concerning Henchmen
H
The Brain
ere’s a quick quiz to test
your Super Villainy Aptitude: If you had an ultimate
weapon of some sort, what
would it be? How would you
announce to the world your
presence? I personally would
opt for a Laser of tremendous
power, pirate the airwaves and
tell the world to “Behold the
awesome power of my ultimate
weapon” and deface the moon,
either by carving my name into
it, or making it into a bust of
myself, before making my demands.
here in the blazes do
you find henchmen?!?
Is there a henchmen directory
or union? Then there are the
specialty guys, either with special skills or features, and mad
scientists and evil subcontractors and…
A
re the “right hand men”
failed Super Villains
themselves? Did they just not
strike enough fear, or think
big enough? Kind of like, “I
will destroy the entire city!
HAHA!”, “Dude, that ‘city’ is
Moosejaw”.
Hank Scorpio
I
Where Are They Now?
s the world so screwed up that nobody wants it? Or is it that the
USA is so eager to flex their armament muscles, and bomb anyone
who looks at them cockeyed that the
grandiose and flamboyant nature
of a true renaissance Super Villain
would result in the villain quite literally going up in smoke? No and
no. Modern society is to blame.
Bad “reality” TV, laziness and diet
soft drinks rot the brain and kill a
person’s imagination. It would take
a great deal of time and effort to acquire a hideout and staff, think up
a badass alter ego, devise a plot…
and people know this. They think
that nobody has the time or energy
to be a Super Villain. I want you to
prove them all wrong! Get off your
ass, turn off the damn TV, have an
apple, turn the presidents on Mount
Rushmore into the members of Kiss,
and show the world that black capes
and maniacal laughter are back in
fashion.
Cut out your Super Villain Recipe Today!
Super Villain Recipe
Just like mom used to make.
Take one part intelligence and toss lightly
with one part charisma.
Now add a large bankroll, one evil goal,
and henchmen.
Shake vigorously and add insanity to taste,
allow mixture to sit unnoticed until
ripe with bitterness.
Serve chilled...
... and enjoy!
September 2005
13
14
NAME: Sandy Sethi
YEAR: 5th Computer Engineering
AGE: 22
Favorite colour: Green
FAVORITE MUSIC GENRE: Rock
FAVORITE MOVIE: The Usual Suspects
QUOTE: Thank you, thank you, thank you to all who made EngO possible.
You are my heroes of September!
NAME: Lesley Herstein
YEAR: 5th Year Biosystems Engineering
AGE: 26
FAVORITE COLOUR: Blue & Green 50-50
FAVORITE MUSIC GENRE: Everything
FAVORITE MOVIE: The Goonies
QUOTE: “Are we in the poo poo gym or the pee pee gym?”
Thank you to the best EngO committee ever!
15
back it. It is
a fairly well
known
fact
By Marc Seewald, 4th Year Mechanical
that
bright
o you wear bright green green is one of the colors that
shirts? If so you’re prob- the human eye can distinguish
ably hot and there might even quickly. So much so, that a
be a little science to explain person wearing bright green is
why.
invariably, very hard to miss in
a group of people. Of course
couple of years ago at a nobody thinks about that when
very drunk campfire an buying a green shirt, howepiphany came to a buddy of ever we subconsciously know
mine. He realized that girls that by purchasing and subsewho wear bright green shirts quently wearing said bright
are invariably attractive. Now green shirts, we are asking to
this was probably due to the at- be noticed. A girl who is confitractive girl in a bright green dent enough in her appearance
shirt sitting beside me. Having to want the sort of attention a
announced his new revelation bright green shirt can bring is
(probably to the great embar- often confident for good rearassment of the aforementioned son.
girl) our camp quickly came to
a consensus and the green shirt
ince its inception the green
theory was born.
shirt theory has come to include guys as well as girls. For
ince that insightful camp- unknown reasons, the theory
fire the green shirt theory is not quite as infallible when
has not stopped developing. applied to the male population.
Now there is some science to This may be due to the fact
The Green Shirt Theory
D
A
S
S
-Internet Content
Chicken of the Living Dead?
K
16
16
ay Martin, a secretary
to a New Zealand MP,
got the fright of her life a
few weeks ago. According to the Auckland Sunday Star, she and a friend
were chatting over a drink
when they heard a chicken
squawking.
T
he bird sounded in
some distress, so they
went outside to investigate,
thinking perhaps that it had
escaped from one of the
neighbors. But, there were
no chickens anywhere.
T
hen Martin realized
with horror that the
sound was coming from
her own kitchen - comThe Red Lion
ing, in fact, from the oven,
where she had put a chicken in to roast half an hour
earlier. “It was as if it was
shrieking at me from its
grave,” she says. “It was so
bizarre I just froze.”
A
s they approached the
oven, the squawking
reached a crescendo. They
took the tray out, and as the
chicken began to cool, the
squawking died away.
M
artin chopped the
neck off and threw
it in the sink. She noticed
that the vocal chords were
intact. “Steam was coming
up the neck from the stuffing,” says Martin, and this
had caused the dead bird to
squawk.
Suffice to say she has not
cooked chicken since.
that many guys are not quite as
body conscious as our female
counterparts.
whether they own or wear a
bright green shirt. I believe the
results speak for themselves.
ither way we decided here
at the Red Lion that we
would attempt to prove this
ground-breaking (yeah, right)
theory with the use of some
empirical evidence. I went to
St.Vital mall with a group of
4 judges (2 girls, 2 guys) and
asked 50 girls and 50 guys
“I should really buy a new green shirt.”
E
% Of people with green shirts VS relative attractiveness
120
100
80
60
40
20
0
1
1.5
2
2.5
3
3.5
4
4.5
Relative attractiveness
Here’s a graph to help you put this inovative theory into context?
P.S. The editors didn’t understand it either.
5
African Aid Makes Me Choke
By Ajay Friesen, 5th Year Mechanical Aero Option
A
frican Aid; These words
have been used much recently. They roll off the tongue
easily and, after making sure
we did our part by watching
the Live 8 concert coverage on
T.V., allow us to sleep just a
little easier at night. Why is it
then, that when I try to say ‘African Aid’, I choke out a cynical laugh? It may be that I see
the G8’s idea of helping Africa
just a little farcical and completely ironic. The real question at the G8 meetings did not
ask ‘how much aid should we
give to Africa?’ rather it was:
‘well, we took their money and
had our fun with it; it helped us
industrialize and made us rich.
How much do you suppose we
should give back?’ Our leaders, however, don’t realize how
hilarious (in the most morbid of senses) this actually is.
They have deluded themselves
into thinking that after decades,
rather centuries, of imperialism
and exploitation we are actu-
ally great benefactors giving
more then our tithe. It’s true,
out of the G8, money may flow
to Africa; but what then? We
take it back. They will spend
it on our products, we will
exploit their workers by paying them $2 a day for making
hundreds of $150 shoes a day,
and in the end, we’ll have it all
back with interest.
T
he problem gets worse if
we add caveats to the aid.
These countries that have been
pressured to give have been
known to add to the contract
that the aid money must be
spent at their own companies.
The United States have also
been known to add stipulations
based on moral issues. The
last round of African aids relief
given by the U.S. government
was done so under the condition that it would not be used
to hand out free condoms and
unbiased education, but rather
that it would be used only for
abstinence programs. The result is that foundations who
have been fighting aids for decades have been forced to cancel programs which have been
praised for their effectiveness;
such as in Uganda where aids
infection rates have been reduced from 30% to 6% of the
population. These foundations
are being forced to try new programs, destroying many of the
inroads made against the disease. We are, for the reason of
such moral based funding, running the risk of an even bigger
aids epidemic in Africa.
T
he words ‘African Aid’
make me choke. The best
way to help Africa is to stop
our own exploitation of it. We
need to give money without
conditions, and we need to stop
taking it out. As one Globe and
Mail reader once pointed out:
Buying Fair Trade commodities such as coffee and chocolate or organic produce like
cotton may be, in the end, the
best thing we can do for Africa.
This article does not express the views
of the UMES Student Council. If you
would like to write an editorial in response, please send it to:
[email protected]
September 2005
17
Lab Report 1
Terrorism, Smerrorism : Insurgency, Smurgency
A Study Into An Inconsistent Use Of Terms
By Ajay Freisen, 5th Year Mechanical Aero Option
I. Introduction and
Background
Terrorism: the unlawful use or
threat of violence esp. against
the state or the public as a
politically motivated means of
attack or coercion
Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary
of Law, 1996
War: 1. a state of armed
conflict between nations, states,
or armed groups
2. a sustained contest between
rivals or campaign against
something undesirable
Oxford Dictionary of Current
English, 2001.
Insurgency: a condition of
revolt against a recognized
government that does not reach
the proportions of an organized
evolutionary government.
Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary
of Law, 1996
I
want to take you back to early
July of this year. The world
had just learned of bombings
taking place in London; the
media referred to them as
‘terrorist’ bombings. I find
this an interesting use of terms.
Let’s break this down into
the component parts of each
definition and discuss what is
actually happening. We will
observe the four possibilities
of the armed conflict between
the United States of America
and foreign countries: the U.S.
occupation of Iraq, foreign
attacks on U.S. soil, citizen
attacks on Iraqi soil, and the
U.S. government’s treatment
of its own population, and we
will see how each of these fits
into the above definitions. For
the entirety of this article, our
‘terrorists’ shall be considered
as an armed group, which to
the author, appears as patently
18
18
The Red Lion
obvious.
II. Data
i) Foreign attacks on U.S. soil
I
have no doubt that most
people would agree these
‘terrorist’ attacks were meant
to achieve political aims by
an armed group; most people
would also classify it as
something done in conflict.
The U.S. is certainly classified
as a rival by the ones who carry
out such acts and the U.S.’s
response would suggest a
contest between the two parties.
Osama Bin Ladin’s Declaration
of War says, among other things:
“fight them until there is no
more tumult or oppression, and
there prevail justice and faith in
God.” It appears Bin Ladin is
campaigning against something
which he sees as undesirable,
that is, tumult and oppression.
Foreign attacks on U.S. soil,
therefore, earn full checkmarks
for the definitions of Terrorism
and both definitions for Acts of
War.
Terrorism:
War 1:
War 2:
Insurgency: N/A
ii) Citizen attacks on Iraqi
Soil
T
hese were certainly acts
of terrorism: they were
violent
and
intimidating,
and the increase in incidents
around Iraqi ‘election’ time
suggests they were of political
motivation. It is obvious these
attacks were intended as a
campaign against something,
which the attackers at least,
considered undesirable. It is
difficult to determine if we
may classify this as a conflict
between nations or armed
groups; too many variables
come into play, such as: are
the casualties meant to be U.S.
soldiers or Iraqi civilians? Are
these acts the voice of a nation?
We leave it undecided. Are they
conditions of revolt against a
recognized government which
might qualify it as Insurgency?
It depends from whose side you
are looking. The attackers do
not recognize a government of
Iraq, which would appear to be
the reason for the attacks; we
cannot classify these as acts of
Insurgency if no government is
recognized.
Terrorism:
War 1: Undecided
War 2:
Insurgency: iii) U.S. Government’s
Occupation of Iraq
T
he U.S. Government has
certainly used violence
against the state of Iraq as a
politically motivated means: ie)
remove Saddam and establish
direct control of the country
until a puppet government may
be ‘democratically’ appointed.
Check mark for Terrorism. Is
it a conflict between nations
or armed groups? The U.S.,
upon initiation of the conquest,
certainly didn’t think so: a
weak check for war definition
1. It is a contest between rivals,
and the U.S. government has
sold it as a campaign against
something undesirable.
Terrorism:
War 1: War 2:
Insurgency: N/A
iv) U.S. Government’s
Treatment of Its Own Citizens
I
nsurgency does not apply
here. Perhaps it would if the
definition of Insurgency read:
“A condition of governmental
revolt against the citizens”,
but it doesn’t. The wartime
propaganda has been meant to
coerce the public into thinking
the government’s war is against
something undesirable, but the
propaganda itself does not fall
under this category: no check
mark. Is it a conflict between
nations or armed groups? There
is no conflict, not between
armed groups anyway: no check
mark. Is the U.S. government
threatening violence against the
public as a politically motivated
means? For the population of a
country to be willing to go to
war, you need an enemy; if you
don’t have a real enemy you
run a campaign to make sure
the population believes that
you do. The U.S. government
has convinced the public that it
is in serious danger unless they
support a war; it is using a threat
of third-party violence against
the public for the political
means of beginning a war.
Check mark for Terrorism.
Terrorism:
War 1:
War 2:
Insurgency: N/A
e
(the
‘civilized’
countries) parade into
Iraq with barely a smidgeon
of organized retaliation. We
conduct midnight raids on Iraqi
citizens, we kill thousands of
Iraqi citizens, we carpet bomb.
These are understood to be acts
of war. When certain citizens
of Iraq decide they have had
enough and take some action, we
call it insurgency or terrorism,
depending of course, on whether
it takes place on their land or
ours.
W
chart.
e’re engineers (damn fine
ones too), let’s make a
F
ii) Citizen attacks
on Iraqi Soil
t surprises most people to
learn that the majority of
Iraqis detest the ‘civilized
countries’ and their occupation
of Iraq. We terrorise and throttle
the citizens of other countries
and then call them terrorists and
insurgents when they fight back.
Fair? Certainly not.
This article does not express the views of
the UMES Student Council. If you would
like to write an editorial in response,
please send it to:
[email protected]
N/A
N/A
Insurgency
War 2
War 1
Undecided
Terrorism
i) Foreign attacks
on U.S. soil
rom the chart below, it
can be seen that the terms
“terrorism” and “war” are,
more often then not, incorrectly
applied. It has been found that
all current forms of conflict
involving the United States
of America may be perfectly
accurately described as acts
I
iv) U.S.
Governments
Treatment of Its
Own Citizens
W
of war, except for the U.S.
government’s treatment of
its own citizens, which may
only be described as terrorism.
Unfortunately, war is considered
a legitimate conduit for murder
while terrorism isn’t; this
explains the misuse of terms
and allows enemy’s to appear as
dishonourable (an intonation of
the word ‘terrorist’) while our
alley’s stand as noble. If you’re
on our side you’re at war, if you
aren’t, you’re a terrorist: a clever
but erroneous use of terms
makes sure this is the case.
iii) U.S.
Governments
Occupation of
Iraq
III. Results and Discussion
N/A
September 2005
19
Random Excerpts from Random Books
Compiled By Ajay Freisen, 5th Year Mechanical Aerospace Option
sweet,” then you are right. But
if you mean a “code to be nice
and speak nicely while sharing and not cutting off heads,”
then you’re the biggest idiot
ever!!!!!! So if you have any
brains, you will shut up and get
a life. So go shut up, you stupid
idiot.
No thank you,
Robert Hamburger
Feature:
REAL Ultimate Power: The
Official NINJA Book
By: Robert Hamburger
Reviews
his book changed my life.
When I grow up, I want to
kill someone!
-Cindy, age 7 ½
T
I
used this book for a school
paper. When I turned it in,
my teacher thought it was so
good that she called my parents!
-Mike, age 9
T
his book is disgusting.
-Robert’s Mom
Random Excerpts
Random Excerpt #1
-The Back Cover
D
ear Stupid Idiots,
A lot of you have been
saying I don’t know anything
about REAL ninjas. But that’s
a bunch of bull crap! You dummies don’t know anything. And
maybe YOU should get a life. I
bet a lot of you have never even
seen a girl naked! You idiots
believe that ninjas had some
“code of honor.” Yeah, right! If
by “code of honor” you mean
“code to flip out and go nuts for
absolutely no reason at all even
if it means that people might
think you are totally insane or
Random Excerpt #2 pg.7
– The Ontological Proof of
Ninjas
W
hen we talk about the
ninja, we are talking
about the sweetest being ever
– that is, we are talking about
the being than which nothing sweeter can be conceived.
But consider this: Is it sweeter
to exist only in the mind or
to exist both in the mind and
in reality – outside the mind?
Certainly, it is much sweeter to
exist also in reality – flipping
out and wailing on guitars is
much sweeter when someone
is actually doing it. So when
we conceive of the sweetest
being ever, we are conceiving
of the being that exists both in
the mind and in reality. Since
the ninja is that being than
which nothing sweeter can be
conceived and that being exists
in the mind and in reality, the
ninja exists in reality. Thus the
ninja exists.
Random Excerpt #3 pg. 83
– A Ninja Makes a Telephone
Call
Hot Babe: Ninja:
Hot Babe:
Ninja:
Hot Babe:
Ninja:
Hot Babe:
Ninja:
Hello.
Hey.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah?
Yeah.
You wanna?
Uh-huh.
Sweet.
Ninjas Chill’n in the Dojo
Random Excerpt #4 pg.145
– Did you know?
Random Excerpt #7 pg. 80
- Footnote 120
% of ninjas worry about
getting their asses beat,
while 100% of regular people
do.
ear Principal,
What’s your problem?
Robert’s cool. So get a life
and don’t bother me with this
trivial crap. You DON’T have
permission to spank Robert,
because he’s above that. Oh,
and, by the way, have you ever
tried to shut-up? If not, you
should try it sometime - I hear
it works.
0
Random Excerpt #5 pg.9
– Basic Facts about these guys
N
injas hang out in dojos (a
lot). Dojos are kinda like
bars where ninjas go to relax
and/or meet babes. You can do
anything you want at the dojo.
If you want to eat a whole
pizza by yourself, go ahead.
Or if you just want to goof
around, no problem. I saw one
dojo in a magazine where they
had drinking fountains of pop
– that’s great, if you ask me.
N
injas hang out with other
ninjas or, as Mom says,
only with “really down-toearth kids.” But she’s full of
BULLCRAP! Ninjas hang out
with the sweetest of people.
Throughout the ages, ninjas have hung out with kings,
popes, jesters, boxers, vampires, and geniuses. But most
of the time, ninjas just hang
out with their clan, which is a
bunch of buddies who either
live in the same neighbourhood or whose moms know
each other.
Random Excerpt #6 pg.72
-Did you know?
M
ost ninjas are born with
pubic hair, unless they
opt otherwise.
D
A
them
u revoir,
Robert’s parents, both of
P
.S. Don’t mail letters here
anymore, because if you
do, we’ll kill you.
Random Excerpt #8 pg.116
-Petting a Ninja
A
fter you guys have hung
out for a couple of hours,
a ninja might try to sniff your
hand. Don’t freak out. He’s
just getting to know you. You
must speak softly in a lovely
voice. This will put him at
ease. And don’t make any sudden moves. Now, when petting, make sure to hold your
hand PALM DOWN. If you
have your palm up, he might
think you’re going to hit him,
because someone might have
hit him in the past. Then you
can begin to pet. Make sure to
go with the fur, otherwise they
might get colicky. After you’re
done petting, wash your hands.
You can pick up diseases from
their fur, like E. coli. So don’t
forget to wash your fingers, before stuffing them back in your
mouth.
September 2005
21
Student Group Spotlight
By Tyler Shipman, 5th Year Mechanical Aero Option
T
he American Society of
Mechanical Engineers is
the newest Engineering student group on campus. It was
started last year by members
of the Canadian Society of
Mechanical Engineers to supplement the society.
T
he new local chapter plans
to attend the national conference held this year in Idaho.
There they hope to compete
in the smaller of the two design competitions offered by
ASME. For this competition
students must design, build
and test a device that would
allow quadriplegics the ability
to cast a fishing rod using only
blow switches.
T
he Second Competition offered by ASME is
the Human Powered Vehicle
(HPV). Unfortunately because
AMSE is so new they will be
unable to compete in the event
this year. However they do
plan to start acquiring funds,
tools and materials to try to
compete next year.
I
n Addition to the design
competition ASME also offers its members a number of
scholarships and bursaries in
addition to student loans. The
national conference is also a
great networking opportunity
as it also plays host to a job
fair.
I
f you would like to join
the ASME please drop by
their office in E2-292L in the
UMES Student Council offices or contact Jason Dacquisto
at: [email protected].
ca, or call 513-0079
Decaf Destroys Brain Cells...
By Tyler Shipman, 5th Year Mechanical Aero Option
Here’s the background:
I work in the Tim’s on the
campus, Vinnie is my boss,
and yes, this actually happened.
Artsie: Yes, I’d like a milk
with some coffee in it.
Me: So, that’s just a splash of
coffee in a milk?
Artsie: No, a regular amount
of milk, but not coffee.
Me: Is there more milk or
coffee?
Artsie: Oh, definitely more
coffee.
Me: So that’s a coffee with
some extra milk.
Artsie: Just the usual amount
of milk.
Me: A coffee with milk.
Artsie: Yes.
Me: Anything else?
Artsie: A little extra milk and
do you have coffee with no
caffeine?
22
22
The Red Lion
Me: We do have decaf.
Artsie: No, I don’t want decaf,
just some coffee without the
caffeine.
Me: That’s what decaf means,
no caffeine.
Artsie: Oh, then do you have
milk with no caffeine?
Me: Milk doesn’t come with
caffeine.
Artsie: Yes it does.
Me: Not that I know of, where
do you get your milk?
Artsie: It doesn’t say caffeine
free on the milk so it must
have caffeine.
Me: Oh, you’re right, my
mistake, I forgot that we only
get the decaf milk. No problem, we have only decaf milk.
Anything else?
Artsie: Do you have any
bagels?
Vinnie: (who has been listening all along): I’m sorry,
we’re all out of decaf bagels.
Examples of different HPV’s
Executive:
President: Jason Dacquisto
Vice-President: Nathan Jolly
Treasurer: Lisa Gordon
Secretary: Dave Boyd
Director of Propaganda: Tristen Gitzel
UMES Rep: Douglas Readman
Artsie: Well, what are those?
(pointing at sesame bagels)
Vinnie: Those are sesame donuts with extra caffeine added.
Artsie: I guess I’ll just have
the coffee.
Artsie: Do you take credit
cards?
Me: No, cash only.
Artsie: What about visa?
Me: Is that a credit card?
Artsie: Well, yes.
Vinnie: Is it cash?
Artsie: No.
Vinnie: Then no, we can’t take
it.
Artsie: What about checks?
Me: Cash, nothing else.
Artsie: O.K., How much is
that?
Vinnie: Eleven dollars and
forty-five cents.
Artsie: Really?
Vinnie: New war in Alaska is
ruining the coffee business,
plus you wanted the coffee
with no caffeine, that’s hard
to find now, had to grow it
myself.
Artsie: O.K. (proceeds to write
a check)
Vinnie: Please leave.
Artsie: Why?
Vinnie: You’re raising my
blood pressure, leave now.
Artsie: But what about my
coffee?
Vinnie: Leave and never
return.
The Artsie leaves, but pays the
$11.45 first. Seriously!
Top Blog
By Jay Sethi,
5th Year Computer
Blog (blôg)
1. Short for web log. A j o u r nal posted on the internet on
various subject. usually with
daily updates
2. A way to spend hours on a computer without accom-
plishing anything.
Here’s 3 interesting Blogs that I
like to visit. If you know of any
interesting blogs, I must visit
them. E-mail me at jay_sethi@
umanitoba.ca:
Make: blog
http://www.makezine.com/blog/
This blog is an engineer’s dream.
They post DIY projects, such as
how to make a hand powered iPod
charger, or how to print your own
circuit boards. They also have a
podcast, so you can get your daily
update in audio format.
Google Blog
http://googleblog.blogspot.com/
It’s an update from within the
Google world. Now you can get
the insider’s perspective about
what’s going on at everybody’s
favourite search engine.
J-Walk Blog
http://j-walkblog.com/
This site is updated daily with a
ton of new info. There’s always
comments on odd news stories,
and links to the lesser known areas of the internet. I’m still baffled as to how someone can post
so much each day, and still be
gainfully employed.
Relieving Stress
in Class
-Internet Content
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
Leave permanent markers
by the dry-erase board.
Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the
professor says no, rip the
pages out of your textbook.
Hold up a piece of paper
that says in large letters
“CHECK YOUR FLY”. (At
Least for the Male profs.)
Address the professor as
“your excellency”.
When the professor turns
on his laser pointer, scream
“AAAGH! MY EYES!”
Relive your Junior High
days by leaving chalk
stuffed in the chalkboard
erasers.
Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he’s been drinking.
Correct the professor at least
ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even if
it’s Smith. Claim that the ‘i’
is silent.
Sit in the front row reading the professor’s graduate
thesis and snickering.
10. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask,
“Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?” Become agitated
when the professor can’t
understand you.
11. Wink at the professor every few minutes. (Hey you
might even get a date if he/
she is cute.)
12. Every few minutes, take a
sheet of notebook paper,
write “Sign up Sheet #5” at
the top, and start passing it
around the room.
13. Start a “wave” in a large
lecture hall.
September 2005
23
Long Gone like a Turkey Through the Corn
By Ajay Friesen, 5th Year Mechanical Aero Option
he idea seemed simple, at July 18, 2005
T
first. I was to ride my motorccle from Winnipeg, Manitoba down through the United
States beginning July 16, 2005.
I would experience Mexico
and fly through the mountains
of Guatemala; I would make
my way on the Pacific coast
through El Salvador and right
through the nub of Honduras which stretches that far; I
would head through Managua,
Nicaragua to San Jose, Costa
Rica; then off to Panama City
for the airplane ride to Quito,
Ecuador; all this for an 8 hour
bus ride to Bahia de Caraquez
in Ecuador where a meeting
on August the 1st with my sister, who had been away for 3
months, would be nothing but
glorious. I guess you could say
that I got there alright, but that
might be stretching it.
I
July 17, 2005
’m in a little hotel room in a
tiny town called Blackwell,
Okalahoma because things
have started to happen with my
motorcycle. I had developed
an electrical problem in Fargo,
North Dakota already. It was a
small inconvenience that promises to whip me into shape as it
forces me to push start the bike.
I have also developed problems
with my chain. It has stretched
out considerably since I left
Winnipeg yesterday morning,
so much so that I will soon be
forced to pull some links as the
tensioners are full out. It was a
good ride today, however, and
I have already developed a second set of tan lines.
T
onight, as I bought Oklahoma’s 3.2% beer (by law,
the percentage I mean, not the
buying), I saw a rather rotund
man at the counter and immediately felt his pain. I would be
fat too, with such weak beer.
24
24
The Red Lion
T
he change in air that was
the Texan border was noticeable, I swear it; it is velvet and as apathetic as a true
Texan.
I
was stuck in Oklahoma City
for about 6 hours this morning and afternoon. The problem with my chain was more
serious then I thought, and it
jammed on me as I was searching Oklahoma for a shop to
pull some links for me. Luckily, it snagged on the top of a
hill from which I was able to
roll down to a small customs
shop. The office of the customs shop was dingy, and
smelled of sweat. There were
two couches, a pile of random
junk on the floor, and a bed in
the back. The colour of the
bed suggested that there was
no shower in the shop and testified to the hot, dusty, sweaty
days of Oklahoma life; if a man
had died in that bed the police
would not have any problem
determining how he lay every
night. The round owner began
to trade tornado stories with
me (it was a one sided deal),
and offered to let me crash on
the couch, mentioning that it
was him who slept on that bed.
I thanked him and asked if I
could use his tools; I made sure
to get out of that city before
nightfall.
I
’ve got more hurdles then
just bike problems on my
way. Hurricane Emily is apparently on its way to where I
had planned to cross the U.S./
Mexico border.
According
to where I am right now, the
damn thing will be directly in
my path when I get there.
P.S. Texans love their porn.
Less then 100 miles into the
state and I’ve seen barns of
the stuff. The only thing they
seem to use barns for, other
then livestock, is XXX.
P.P.S. I’m still noticing the
difference in air. If I grew up
in air like this I’d talk slow too.
P.P.P.S. My big toe on my right
foot is numb. It has been since
yesterday already. Is it dead? I
can still move it!
I
July 22, 2005
wiped out hard yesterday.
There was a lot of debris
on the road, leftover from the
hurricane, and one thing led
to another. I hit the ditch going about 65km/hr and laid the
bike down immediately. Luckily, the hurricane had made the
ditch soft and I sustained no
serious injury (I did get some
pretty bad scratches on my left
arm though, and I wasn’t wearing a jacket and my shirt was
open, so my left nipple almost
got ripped off); I faired better
then my bike. The handlebar
stop snapped off and my front
forks put a huge dent in my
gas tank. The header guard
on the side that hit was bent
right back against the engine
and my shifter pedal did the
same. I busted the headlight
right off and jammed the chain
real good. The handlebars are
no longer straight. I managed,
through broken Spanish (the
Mexicans knew no English)
to barter a trip for my motorcycle and I back to Mattamoros where I fixed it up as best
I could.
I
’m camping right on the gulf
coast tonight and can hear
the waves rolling in as I right
this.
P.S. I’m beginning to worry
about my big toe.
I
July 26, 2005
rolled into Guatemala City
today as it got dark (I cut it a
little too close for not having a
headlight). The drivers around
here are scary as hell. On the
way I got caught between two
oncoming semi’s (one was trying to pass the other, that’ll
raise the hair on the back of
your neck, let me tell you).
They really don’t give motorcyclists much respect, if they
want to pass they will, and will
expect the motorcycle to move
over. And believe me, I moved
over; on the narrow mountain
Surveying the Damage
Guatemalan side of the Guatemala/Mexico Boarder
passes I didn’t really feel like
debating with a semi over who
had the right of way.
G
uatemala city has already
offered me more near
death experiences then the
mountains and crazy drivers
outside it did. Turns out, they
don’t believe in painting lines
on the street, and the 5 lanes of
blacktop in one direction without said lines made for some
pretty sketchball driving. It
was mayhem.
T
he neatest thing about today was seeing the isolated
culture of the indigenous Guatemalan mountain people. You
could drive for 2 hours without
seeing anyone and then stumble across a completely unrecognizable civilization and
culture about 3000 ft above sea
level.
S
July 28, 2005
o I made it to Estelli, Nicaragua. The nicest stretch
of pavement I’ve been on so
far (including Canada and the
U.S.) was the pan-american
highway through El Salvador.
The road was smooth and the
scenery grandiose. Getting
into Honduras from El Salvador proved to be a bit of a problem…
I
t took 45 minutes to convince the ‘salida’ lady to
give me exit stamps for El
Salvador. The problem, you
see, was the condition of my
passport. After having driven
through 4 border crossings and
4 days of Central american
rain, my passport was looking pretty ragged. After I got
my exit stamps I was initially
refused entry stamps for Honduras, catching me for about
3 hours in a “between border
type” of limbo. A $40 USD
bribe and someone who could
speak English and Spanish
eventually got me my stamps.
An hour later, still fuming
about the cost of getting into
the country, some Honduran
cops pulled me over at a check
stop. These stops being routine, I was not worried initially
but cringed a little at the smile
that spread across the cops face
when he realized I did not have
much Spanish. He proceeded
to charge me a ‘you no speaka
any Espanola’ toll, which, after
all the processing fee’s, came
to $20 USD. I became bitter.
A
nyway, I’m in Estelli and
am busy wrapping my
greasy jeans around the pillow
in my ‘hotel’ room (if that’s
what they call trash piles down
here). The room cost me about
as much as three cans of coke
and the washroom was an outhouse. How outhouses work
in the middle of a city I still
haven’t been able to figure out.
P.S. WHAT THE HECK IS
WRONG WITH MY TOE?
found there. It was tough getting into Quito, you see, my
passport had not improved
over the length of the trip from
Honduras; already in the Quito
airport and they were threatening to send me back to San Jose
because of the infernal thing. I
told them in broken Spanish
that I would get a new one first
thing the next morning and that
seemed good enough for them
to let me through. Now I wait
for my bus.
I
had one more run in with the
‘law’ on my way through
Nicaragua. I was stopped by
two cops who, interestingly
enough, had heard of the ‘you
no speaka any Espanola’ toll
and decided that this was the
occasion they should enforce
it. After being asked for $40
USD I carefully went through
my pocket, making sure not
to pull anything too large out.
With a Nicaraguan cop trying
to peek into my pocket as I
searched, I gave a lean backward, so as to prevent him
from getting too excited. He
held my licence and passport
in one hand as I handed him
the carefully selected bill, he
did not give them back. Trying to convince them I had no
more money, I pulled out some
chump change and made it
clear they would not get it unless my papers were returned.
After some time, I waited them
out, and the change was given
after my papers were returned.
I had given them about $10
CND in the end. With that I
smiled, and in perfect English
told them to ‘piss off’. They
smiled back.
I
arrived back in Winnipeg on
the 24th of august at midnight but that was the bulk of
my adventures. Sure, a couple
of other things happened. I
was bitten by a large black dog
in Puyo, Ecuador and ended up
visiting a local hospital. The
shots cost me all of a dollar
(USD that is) but the bruised
muscle remains and the doctors
said that I probably don’t need
to worry about rabies (although
people have told me that I’ve
been a little aggressive lately);
I overdosed on anti-diarrhoeal
pills in Ecuador and when I got
back to San Jose, I had a Californian girl riding on the back
of my motorcycle. Maybe
we’ll leave it at that.
P.S. RIP big toe. You will be
missed.
I
July 31, 2005
’m waiting for my bus in
Quito, Ecuador. I decided
to fly out of San Jose, Costa
Rica which left me a few days
to relax at a gorgeous hostel I
“My ass hurts... It’s airplanes from here!”
September 2005
25
The Red Lion Remembers...
I
The Engineering Hymn
n years Past when the frosh were taught the Engineering hymn
there was more to it than the 4 versus we learned. They stopped
being taught to the frosh due the their offensive and derogatory
nature and they thus fell out of disuse here at the U of M. However
across canada they are still alive and strong and some schools have
even written their own verses for the Hymn. So here are as many
of the other verses to the Engineering Hymn that we can print,
and remember it is sung to the tune of the Battle Hymn of the
Republic.
The Army and the Navy were out to have some fun.
Looking for a tavern where the fiery liquids run.
But all they found were empties, for the Engineers had come,
And traded all their instruments for gallon jugs of rum.
Chorus:
We are, we are, we are, we are the Engineers,
We can, we can, we can, we can demolish forty beers.
Drink rum, drink rum, drink rum, drink rum and come along with
us,
for we don’t give a damn for any damn one who don’t give a
damn for us.
My father was a miner from the Northern Malamute,
My mother was a mistress in a house of ill repute.
The last time that I saw them both these words rang in my ears,
“Get out of here you son of a bitch and join the Engineers.”
Godiva was a lady who through the Coventry did ride,
to show all the villagers her pretty bare white hide.
The most observant man in town an Engineer of course,
was the only one to notice that Godiva rode a horse.
She said, “I’ve come a long, long way and I will go as far,
With the man who takes me off this horse and leads me to a bar.”
The men who took her off her steed and stood her to a beer,
were a blurry-eyed surveyor and a drunken Engineer.
An artsie and an Engineer once found a gallon can.
Said the artsie to the engineer out drink me if you can.
They drank three drinks, the artsie died, his face was turning
green,
But the Engineer drank on and said, “It’s only gasoline.”
Now Venus is a statue made entirely of stone,
There’s not a fig leaf on her, she’s as naked as a bone.
On noticing her arms were broke, an Engineer discoursed,
The damn thing’s broken concrete and it should’ve been reinforced.”
Elvis was a legend, he’s the King of Rock ‘n’ Roll,
But the life he was leading - well, it finally took it’s toll.
He realized too late, he’d picked the wrong career.
So he faked his death and went to school, now he’s an Engineer!
The modern Engineer must be politically correct.
No more motors lubricating, no more buildings rise erect.
No electrical capacitors whose plates are high and fair.
Instead of problem solving, let’s just sit around and care.
When it comes to math and science, the Engineers kick ass.
There isn’t a course or subject that the Engineers can’t pass.
If presented with a problem we can solve it with great ease.
All we do is reach in our bag and pull out our HP’s
26
26
The Red Lion
My mother peddles opium, my father’s on the dole.
My sister used to walk the streets, but now she’s on parole.
My brother runs a restaurant with bedrooms in the rear,
But they won’t even speak to me ‘cause I’m an Engineer!
On reading Karma Sutra, a guy learned position nine
For proving masculinity, it truly was divine.
But then one day the girl rebelled and threw him on his rear,
For he was a feeble artsie and she was an Engineer.
I happened once upon a girl, who eyes were full of fire,
Her physical endowments would have made yours hands perspire.
To my surprise she told me that she never had been kissed,
Her boyfriend was a tired Engineering scientist.
An Engineer once came to class so drunk and very late,
He stumbled through the lecture hall at an ever-diminishing rate.
The only things that held him up and kept him on his course,
Were the boundary condition and the electromotive force.
Rapunzel let her hair down for two suitors down below,
So one of them could grab a hold and give the old heave-ho.
The prince began to climb at once, but soon came out the worst,
For the Engineer rode up a lift and reached Rapunzel first.
The artsie thought he had it all, his girlfriend disagreed.
One day she up and left him: He could not fulfill her needs.
“Where are you going?” the artsie cried, half-naked from the
dorm,
“To find an engineer,” she said, “At least they can perform!”
We are, we are, we are, we are the female Engineers,
We can, we can, we can, we can demolish as many beers.
Drink rum, drink rum, drink rum, drink rum and come along with
us,
for we don’t give a damn for any damn man who can’t get it up
for us.
Now you’ve heard our story and you know we’re Engineers,
and like all jolly people we can down our whiskey clear.
We drink to every other sport who comes from far and near,
Cause we know damn sure that we are all a hell of an Engineer!
PC Games for the Cheap of Mind
By Marc Seewald, 4th Year Mechanical
E
ver wanted a game you
could play at work without having to worry about being caught installing it? Ever
wanted to have something fun
to play in class on your Pentium 1 laptop (remember it’s a
Pentium 1 and a laptop)? Ever
wanted to play an MMORPG
(Massive Multiplayer Online
Role Playing Game) but only
have dial-up? Ever wanted to
play a game that is constantly
updated, has a large community, and your suggestions are
heard in making adjustments.
Well, this article is about games
that you may never have heard
about and probably would never have considered. This first
installment is on one of my all
time favourites: The Roguelike
Game.
F
or a fantasy gamer who
values gameplay above all
else, Rougelikes are the ideal;
and their price can’t be beat,
they’re free. You do however,
get what you pay for in the
graphics department. While
there are a few titles which do
posess tiled graphics, Rougelikes, for the most part, exist
entirely in ASCII form. As a
result Rougelikes can be played
on just about any system, even
a 386.
R
oguelike games all share
a few common characteristics. They are all turn based
single player games. The gameplay involves a player character, usually represented by
an “@” symbol, that travels
through randomly generated
dungeons killing a plethora of
ASCII monsters. As you progress through the dungeon your
character levels up, accumulates items and, in most games
of the genre, eventually kills a
big baddy to finish the game
off.
I
find that the most defining
characteristic of a Roguelike game is that once you die,
you’re dead. For good. Game
over. This makes Roguelike
games a nail biting experience.
Y
ou can save the game, but
saves are deleted as soon
as you resume play. Every
move counts. There’s no going
back to redo an action. Want
to see how strong that big U
is? Or, what eating that mush-
room of hallucination you just
found might accomplish (an
action I suggest only once, but
at least once.) To answer these
questions you must be willing
to risk losing that character
permanently. Luckily, almost
all Roguelikes are turn-based,
meaning you can spend as
much time as you like per turn
figuring out how to save your
sorry ass. It is, of course, possible to back up your save files,
but that is the same as using
cheat codes and then boasting
victory, something no hardcore
gamer would ever do.
band and all subsequent variants. One interesting fact to
note is that the very popular
Blizzard games Diablo I & II
were actually based on gameplay from Angband.
inning a Roguelike game
is a lifetime achievement. In my many years of
playing Roguelikes, I’ve never
won. Probably because I have a
suicidal tendency to dive down
the dungeon as soon as I appear
to get strong.
S
W
T
here are many different
types of Roguelike games
in existence. The very first of
which was called Rogue, which
came out in the 1980’s (that’s
right, the 1980’s). After that
a game called Moria appeared
which in turn spawned Ang-
A
ngband, Moria, and Nethack have very active newsgroups where you can proclaim
the exploits of your conquest
to the entire world ...er ...‘Net.
And, if you get killed (which
is much more likely), you can
post a YASD (Yet Another Stupid Death), which are more entertaining than the victory posts
anyway.
ince each Roguelike game
randomly generates a large
part of the game, there’s enormous replay value. Most RPGs
collect dust once solved. Many
fans of NetHack and Angband
have been playing non-stop for
over half a dozen years.
T
o learn more, or to download and try for yourself,
go to angband.oook.cz.
Happy Hunting!
September 2005
27
Horoscopes
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
The lunar cycle means that love is approaching. Whack it with
a big stick! That’ll teach it!. Walk around like you’re wearing a
heavy crown. It’s the heavy burden of guilt.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
At this stage it’s more about bending over and taking the punishment. Refer back to Cancers advice on relations with Bubba.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Loathe your enemies, but keep them near. That way you don’t
have to walk to far when you want to beat the shit out of them.
The way life continues to go for you, you should think about
trying to break free from everyone and everything.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Sieze the day….sieze the hostages’ too. This month will see your
plans of world domination come to fruition. However, beware of
the leprechauns. They have found out where you live and want
their pot of gold back.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
This month will present you with challenges. Don’t be afraid to
use unconventional and quite frankly weird solutions to these
problems. Remember to speak softly and carry a big stick.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Graffiti is always fun to read, keep up the good work. This
month will see a drastic turnaround in your fortune. Jail means
both free sex and food. Try to get in Bubba’s good graces.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Love is in the air, and by love we mean fear and loathing, and
by air we mean Las Vegas. Stay away from those little pills or
the next 12 hours will be the worst experience you’ve ever had
to face in your life. Oh and remember, no TV and no beer make
Homer something something.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Your lucky animal for today is: dog. History will repeat itself
today in a haunting way. Watch for the man in the loose fitting
trench coat.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You’re fantastic. Responding to those Nigerian Bank scam
emails is probably not a good sign. Look on the bright side;
you helped found a new militant Guatemalan government.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
If you’re ever too far away from a calculator, buy a calculator watch. It will prove an invaluable tool if you ever have to
calculate numbers. A knowledge of fine wines will help you in
the long run.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
The friends you used to dream about have now left you alone
with your favourite blanket. Watch out for Snoopy, he may try
to steal it.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
The past always looks better from the future. Hoping for death
is not a good sign. Don’t be in such a hurry, take the time to be
sure you’re right. That being said, you are worthless.
If Aggies Designed Cars?!?
28
28
The Red Lion