The Daily Bull

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The Daily Bull
AILY
D
ULL
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The Daily Bull is probably not suitable for those under age 18 and should not be taken seriously...
School Tries To Stop the
Herds
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Post Spring Break Trauma Hits
The Steaming Pile - Straight from You-Know-Where!
Michigan Tech Campus
by Corey Tindall ~ Daily Bull
by Veronica Tabor ~ Daily Bull
Michigan Tech has had an influx of something that not
many people claim to enjoy. They come in, get in the
way, populate the sororities, and worst of all, eat all
of the food. I am talking, of course, about the not so
majestic Snow Cow.
Dozens of confused first-year students are roaming the
halls of academic buildings this week, thinking that a new
semester of school has begun. When asked why this
confusion occurred, many of them cite the fact that there
is still 3 feet of snow on the ground, so Christmas must
have just been a few weeks ago, right?
For this reason, the school has said that they will be
creating different ways to capture these beasts to send
them home as well as preventing them from coming
here in the first place. Traps have been set around campus to identify snow cows and to capture them. “We
are working tirelessly on this large (pun intended) problem and we have even recruited Blue Marble Security
to help with the traps,” says Les Cook. ”The State of
Michigan is threatening to not give us as much money
because the average cholesterol on campus is higher
than any other college, and we feel that these measures
will bring us to at least 2nd highest cholesterol in the
state.” Some of the traps will include certain spots with
a camera that identifies height, weight, and gender and
if the ratio isn’t good enough, the floor will fall out beneath them and they will be sent to California because
“A California cow is a happy cow.”
...like 20 inches of snow!
“When I was in high school, we would come back from
spring break and there would be flowers blooming, sunshine every day, and it would be time to start wearing
shorts. I come back from spring break here, and there is a
white-out blizzard. I’m so hopelessly lost and confused!”
Michigan Tech has had problems in the past dealing with
PTSD, or Post Traumatic Snow Disorder, in new students.
Many people that come to Tech believe that the stories
of the terrifying weather that they hear are simply madeup to weed out those not prepared for a Michigan Tech
education. Some may only bring a thin North Face fleece
jacket and high-heeled boots and arm themselves with
only a Starbucks latte to face the chills and ice of winter.
Several of these types of students fall victim to the disorder each year.
The bigger problem lies with the herds that pass through
campus on almost a weekly basis. They normally get
together at a sorority house and then walk around the
city of Houghton, causing mass destruction and eating
everything.
“I suffered from Post Traumatic Snow Disorder my first
year,” a 5th year senior tells us. “I quickly learned that
spring break doesn’t mean that spring is going to come
then, or any time during spring semester for that matter.
It’s actually just winter break part 2.”
see Draft Mode on back
see Blind Pick on back
The best part about Wednesday, is
realizing that you’re halfway through hell.
Things That Should Not Have Been Green (But Were)
Semen
Pubes
Urine
Ketchup
My body
Her nipples
Eggs and Ham
My teeth
Lube
Downvotes
The sky
Hand lotion
Grass smoke
Snow
Blizzard The Husky
The Lode
The Portage
Hamburger buns
Glen Mroz’s golden boats
Syphillis
Blood
Hookers and blow
Gingers
Windows 8
The Sun
Albinos
The school’s colors
Black people
White people
Yellow people
Brown people
Red people
Smurfs
Morgan Freeman
My bank account balance
The Red Wings
The Poor
The former/new Pope
Barack Obama
Pokemon Yellow
Tigers
Rats with dicks THIS BIG
The Dreaded Gum Disease Known as
Gingivitis
Pizzas Pizza Lovers Love!
Daily Specials at www.thestudiopizza.com
10% Discount for All Students
Downtown Hancock, across from Finlandia
Buy One Medium Pizza, Get
Another Medium for Half Price!
www.thestudiopizza.com
I’ve stopped drinking, but only while I’m asleep.
George Best
482-5100
from Draft Mode on front
from Blind Pick on front
“I don’t understand how there can be so much snow and it’s almost April?!” A firstyear student says as her eyes dart around frantically from snowbank to snowbank.
“When does it go away? Why is it still so cold? I come from back home where it was in
the 60’s all week, it’s as if I’ve gone back in time or something! This is January Weather!”
“We’re sick of it!” says one local restaurant owner. “We cannot keep enough
food in the shop to feed the locals!” For these herds, MTU has hired local
high school students, who are bored, to ride their bikes/drive around with
giant nets and to trap them out in the open. This is where people can laugh
at the fact that they cannot roll over when flipped on their backs. To make
sure that no more Snow Cows come to campus the school has created a
test so they can show their worth.
The test will include a 100 meter run, in which they have to complete in
under 45 seconds, a jumping contest where their feet have to make it more
than 3 inches off of the ground, and finally they will be rolled down a hill
and will have to be able to stop themselves from making it down the whole
hill. It was incredibly difficult to talk to one of these beasts and we had to
lure them over to us with bacon to get them to answer.
A typical blonde snow cow.
The administration is still trying to figure out what the best procedure is to help these
students. Many have suggested a yearly pre-spring break lecture to warn students,
another possibility is to hire older students to guide the confused students from class
to class. Whatever the solution may be, we are all holding out hope for these new
students, that someday they will find the joy that we get from living in the UP…on
purpose.
THE STEERSEARCHER
STATES! ALL THE STATES!
Brought to you by Jeanine Chmielewski
We asked a certain one that was able to talk through her mouth full of Little
Debbie’s (because Hostess is dead, RIP), what she thought of the new
rules that the school was making and the only thing she said was “Will there
still be soft serve at the bottom of the trap doors?” When we replied with
“Probably not,” she responded with a long, sorrowful “Moooooooo.”
DailyBull.students.mtu.edu/
The Daily Bull
Daily Bull
Filmboard Presents
DICTATOR V2.0 ZOMG COMP EDITOR MONOPOLY GUY
Alec Hamer
Jon “Big-O” Mahan
Cameron Long
BREAD WINNER
Alex Dinsmoor
SCRIBE
Kara Bakowski
ADVISOR
David Snowdrift Olson
Writers of Awesome: Liz ‘Riz’ Fujita, Olivia Zajac, Nathan
‘Invincible’ Miller, Jeanine Chmielewski, Jeremy ‘Mr. Sunshine’
Loucks, Sam Schall, Veronica Tabor, Rico Bastian, Zachary
Evans, Chase Peterson, Elise Conley, Ken Arndt, Corey Tindall,
and a yooper scooper full of bodies.
©2013 by the Daily Bull, a non-profit organization. All rights reserved.
Articles may be freely distributed electronically or on late night talk
shows provided credit is given, and that this notice is included. The Daily
Bull reserves the right to refuse any advertisements or articles without
reason. All letters sent to the editor (on paper or to [email protected]) will
be treated as material to be published unless expressly stated otherwise
by the sender. Original works printed in the Daily Bull remain the property
of the creator, however the Daily Bull reserves the right to reprint any
submissions in future issues unless specifically asked not to do so by the
creator. All opinions presented are purely those of the writer and do not
reflect the opinions of the University or the Daily Bull. If you keep reading
this small text, you will get cabin fever.
The Daily Bull would like to thank the Daily Bull for
buying our own damn printer that this publication
is printed on. We would also like to thank the
Student Activity Fee for helping to pay for our
paper and toner costs.
Advertising inquiries, questions &
comments should be directed to
[email protected]
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