LC Teacher`s big debut - Spokane Public Schools

N ational
THE LEWIS AND CLARK HIGH SCHOOL
Issue: emotional
neglect
These colors don’t run!!!
April 1 2007
“Culminating Project” no longer a
requirement for ‘08
by Vally
Staff Geographical Location
LC Teacher, Walt Cubley, seen her on the set of “Merlin: TEWOKACATESOHMNE,” due out in June
LC Teacher’s big debut
by Brendan Fraser
novel, “The Old Man and the Sea” practices and even wizardry
Ohio Native to life. The modern twist on the for a brief period in the
In the illustrious tradition of
movies being filmed in Spokane,
yet another company has singled
out our humble town as the prime
locale for the staging of their film.
The epic made-for-TV miniseries
“Merlin: The Enchanting Wizard
of King Arthur’s Court and
the Epic Story of His Many
Noteworthy Encounters” is set to
begin production in late April in
and around the Manito Park area.
Producers say the area was
chosen for its impeccable
resemblance to the area in
Scotland which historians believe
to be Merlin’s actual resting
place (Merlinsgrave, Scotland).
The film is being staged by
production company,April 1 Films,
to bring the television adaptation
of Ernest Hemingway’s classic
The Mac
Hemingway classic is that the old
man is being replaced by ancient
wizard, Merlin, and playing the
part of “The Sea” will be Merlin’s
Many Noteworthy Encounters.
Furthermore, the film will be
narrated by Whoopie Goldberg.
In yet another developing twist to
the Spokane film saga, LC science
teacher, Walt Cubley, is set to play
the part of Merlin. “Yeah, I was
convinced by a couple students to
show up and audition, and I guess
they dug the look,” said Cubley.
Producers say Cubley was chosen
for his impeccable resemblance
to what historians believe to
be Merlin’s actual physical
appearance. Furthermore, it is no
secret that Cubley once dabbled in
occult practices and even wizardry
for a brief period in the late ’70s.
“Yeah, I dabbled in occult
in
page 2: Mac Smith defeats
Voldermort, saves Harry,
“Just for funsies.”
page 3: Mac Smith nominated as Pope, declines citing Catholicism as “wack”
page 4: Mac Smith breaks
NBA record with 15th consecutive triple double
page 5: Mac smith replaces
Coca-Cola as national beverage of choice
page 6: Mac Smith actually
a woman
page 7: Mac Smith dispels
Briefs
gender rumors, “I am not
actually a woman.”
page 8: Mac Smith discovers AIDs vaccine
page 9: Mac Smith becomes first caucasion on
Harlem Globetrotters
page 10: Mac Smith first
man pregnant with a real
baby
page 11: Mac Smith saves
puppies from burning orphanage, and kids
page 12: M.S. knighted,
maims kids in celebration
late
‘70s,”
said
Cubley.
The film is set to air initially in
limited release in New York and
Los Angeles before premiering
on CBS in late June. Acclaimed
director, Michael Bay, is set
to direct the epic made-for-tv
miniseries event and expectations
among
critics
are
high.
Steve, of www.rottentomatoes.
com says, “I’ve read the screenplay
and it really looks just awful.
Mostly the part about it being
about Merlin. I mean, they totally
already made that epic made-forTV miniseries like four years ago.”
Set to play the role of King
Arthur is Bea Arthur of “Golden
Girls.” Producers say Arthur is
perfect for the role because of her
name’s impeccable resemblance
to the name historians believe
King Arthur actually went by.
The epic made-for-TV
miniseries details the many
noteworthy encounters of the
ancient wizard, Merlin. Included
among those are his famous
slaying of King Arthur’s evil
twin, Arthur Halfdragon (who
was half-dragon). Also depicted
is his compassionate relief work
in his home village. The village
was initially destroyed by an allmighty politician who was also
half-dragon (Beowulf Blitzer).
How this event has shaped the LC
community is yet to be seen. One
thing, however, remains certain:
Walt Cubley totally used to be
a wizard. His powers, however,
were revoked by a magic council
who deemed him too powerful.
Fire destroys
LC teachers’
house: (cont. pg. 9)
The Washington State Board
of Education (WSBE) decided
after 48 hours of discussion
last month in Seattle that the
culminating project is no
longer required to graduate for
the class of 2008 and beyond.
“There were many disagreements
about the graduation requirements
for the students and we felt that
this project will be too much
for most of them, considering
the WASL scores last spring,”
said Governor Marilyn Cobb.
“A number of students have to
worry about scoring higher on the
math portion of the test so adding
the culminating project to the
graduation requirements might
be work overload for them.”
District 81 board member
George Yadgit said the state
is making a mistake by taking
away the culminating project.
“Most students have no idea
where they will be in the next
five years, so in order for the
teachers and
administrators
to help them, we must use the
culminating project,” said Yadgit.
According to Yadgit, other
countries like Japan and Germany
have more difficult curriculums
then in Washington State and
they still are able to finish
school and start a great career.
“It’s unreasonable to terminate
the project now,” said Yadgit.
While WSBE was in discussion,
protesters marched around the
Seattle Board of Education
House, (SBEH) crying for
the members to discard the
graduation
requirements.
“My kids can not handle the
pressure,” said parent Jeremy
Thom. He said his kids, who
wanted a head start on the project
before their senior year, decided
to start it their sophomore year in
high school and ended up having
no free time and lack of sleep.
Parent Stephanie West is
not happy about the WSBE
decision and supports Yadgit.
“My daughter, who is a junior,
was able to produce a wonderful
presentation about her career
in only a month and she has
to deal with extracurricular
activities everyday,” said West.
“I just do not see how other
students cannot do the project.”
Students all over Washington
were thrilled about the news.
“When I first heard about the
requirements, I thought it was a
joke,” said freshmen Simon Jacobs.
“The older kids did not have
to do it so why did we have
to?” said junior Monica Dark.
According to Cobb, there
were other reasons why the
WSBE changed the graduation
requirements. She said a certain
celebrity is a friend of a student in
Washington State and after chatting
with the student, the celebrity
decided to show up in Seattle with
a lawyer and made sure that the
students feelings were expressed.
“We cannot reveal to you the
students name,” said Cobb,
“but we just want to say thank
you to actress and singer Reba
McEntire for looking out for
Washington state students.”
Supporters for the culminating
project are scheduling a protest
in Seattle on April 28 at the
Court House downtown. Yadgit
is hoping for a huge turnout.
“We want to leave the future
of America in good hands,” said
Yadgit. “Stepping up our education
system will be the best way for us
and our kids to have a future.”
Staff in big trouble
by Anna Conda
Ssssssssssstaff Sssssnake
An anonymous source recently
disclosed top-secret information
on why the administration has
not scheduled any dance mixers
at LC this year. The source
revealed that, despite popular
belief, the absence is not due to
inappropriate freak dancing or
scarce ASB funds or insufficient
ticket sales, but because LC staff
members are secretly stealing ASB
money to throw their own mixers.
The staff hears about the
upcoming mixers through a
complex communication system
in the daily LC student bulletin,
Tiger Talk. Predetermined key
words such as “scholarship”
signify that a mixer has been
set-up and that the specifics are
encoded in the rest of the messages
using a letter and number system
developed by the math teachers.
The source was able to get one
teacher to talk in exchange for
twenty dollars toward the next
mixer and complete anonymity.
“All of us used to have to
chaperone the student mixers
and we weren’t allowed to have
any fun,” said the teacher. “But
we’ve figured out a way to change
all that. And now we’re flying
high. No lie. [You] know it.”
Few students have been
notified of the robbery of their
funds and why there have been
mixers, but those who have
been are bewildered and angry.
“It’s just not fair,” said a student
who wishes to remain anonymous
in case of a teacher strike. “It’s
cool that the staff wants to get
jiggy with it too but couldn’t
they at least invite us. I mean,
I’d dance with Mrs. Showalter
any day.” Dude, that’s gross.
ISSUE 5
deez
The Lewis and Clark High School Journal
PAGE 2
April Fool’s 2007
LC ends classes
PHOTO COURTESY OF THE DENMARK TOURISM CORPORATION
by Snow White
and will now be attending the
Staff Writer Goon center with all the other kids
LC’s principal Jon Swett
announced that this will be
the last week of school for LC
students because they are too
smart to continue their education
in the high school setting.
In January, after finals, it was
revealed that every student in
the school received a 95 percent
or better except for sophomore
Conor Wigert, who received a
43 percent on all of his tests.
“I don’t feel that I am dumb,
my parents just tell me that I need
a little extra help on everything
that has to do with life and
being able to live,” said Wigert.
LC students that are too
smart to go on with school
will receive an extra long
summer vacation and will return
to school in Sept. of 2007.
Wigert will be switching schools
that need “extra help with life.”
All of LC’s teachers have been
given a raise and will enjoy
an extended summer vacation.
School will start again on Sept.
10, 2007. All incoming freshman
will have a normal schedule
but every junior and senior
will automatically be enrolled
in honors classes because they
scored so well on their finals.
Wigert’s mother will talk to Swett
about her son being able to attend
LC in the 2007-2008 school year.
“I don’t want to leave LC but
I’m going to do whatever I have
to do to be able to come back
next year because I love this
school so much,” said Wigert.
According to the learning
department, Wigert will have to
take intense classes at his new
school and during the summer
School will start again in Sept.
New vacation hotspot, Denmark, offers a wide variety of tourist attractions, including dinosaurs.
New vacation get-away in
Denmark offers family fun
In all, Wyoming knows how to
masculine setting for the art.
by Tooties McGee
Many emigrate to Wyoming have fun. The people are wild and
Staff Writer from across the world to take fun-loving, without loosing touch
Wyoming—the fruit of
America’s loins.
It is very
possible that Wyoming holds
title to the ‘best state ever,’ in
my heart. With its constant flow
of people and ideas, there are
very few rivals to the rustic, yet
urban paradise that is Wyoming.
Created from dust and love in
1837 by a small farmer looking
for a big fortune in the west,
the state grew to its current
position through a constant flow
of some of the most artistic,
interesting people in America.
Art historians believe, in fact,
that Monet spent much of his time
in the rustic land of America, as
opposed to the common idea that
he spent most of his career in
France, the urban wasteland of
the world. In fact, Van Gough’s
famous painting, “Starry Night,”
which people once believed
was painted from his view in
a sanatorium in France, was
actually a view of Jackson
Hole, WY, a much better, more
Staff
Box
part in its mechanical bull rides
and all you can eat tacos on the
corner of Ash and Broadway
in
downtown
Cheyenne.
“I love their tacos,” said
Emmily “the beast” Eisenrich.
“They are beefy and saucy, and
they make me feel like I am at
home, even though I am in the
middle of a tropical paradise.”
Go to Wyoming now.
Wyoming is very well known
for its luxurious mall made
out of thousands of different
cheeses. The Southern walls are
made out of feta, whereas the
Northern walls are made out of
cheddar, because cheddar comes
out of the North side of the cow.
“That cheese was so good,” “the
beast” said. “I liked it so much.
The feta was delicious, and the
camembert tasted like feet.”
The Seers Tower, the tallest
building in the world, was
constructed and still resides in
Cheyenne county, WY, next to
the United Nations building.
Go to Wyoming, damnit.
vomit got in our hair and it took us
by Chocolate Thunder
to remove the stringy stuff.
Staff Writer minutes
What could be done against
The new and improved Tiger
Growl will air this week. What
makes this new Tiger Growl
sparkly and super sexxxay is its
new management, the LC Journal.
The war which was brought
by the Great Boredom lasted for
months and months with each side
matching each other blow for blow.
Note: For those of you who do
not watch Date Line, the Great
Boredom was that period when
Tiger Growl students had nothing
to do and the LC Journal needed
a target for its smear campaign.
Then the unthinkable happened.
Tiger Growl spilled vomit all
over the place. This was the worst
kind of opening shot because the
Alex the Boss-man
Monesha Giggles
Tiny hands Clarry
Fro man
Liliana-I-Like
Joseph Sultan
Kira is the Best...es
Erik Falters... a lot.
Advisor
Jennifer “Preggers”
Showalter
Photography Editor
Jack Stupidway
Editor-In-Chief
Wilting Lilly
Ad Manager
Conor deez*
Erin Horese-Tickler
News Editor
Emmiily “The Beast”
Eisenrich
Staff Writers
Earth Acorn
Sarah Lean-on-Me
Sports Editor
Culley Growth-spurt
LC Journal takes
over Tiger Growl
with the conservative necessities
in life. For all of you political
fanatics who can’t do with a
liberal place like New York, or
a conservative wasteland like
Houston, Wyoming reaches out
with open arms, and an open heart.
The birthplace of the
constantly expanding west, of
the pop culture movement, of
the impressionist movement,
of modern architecture, and of
every cute kitten on the west side
of the US, Wyoming has more
to offer than organized religion.
Even famous country
musician, and all around supergreat-woman, Reba McEntire
supports the state head on.
Love is the hills, the forests,
the architecture, the friendly
people, the love, and the puppies
of Wyoming. So don’t go on
a cruise this Spring Break,
don’t go build houses for needy
families—treat
yourself
to
Wyoming. Men seeking women?
Women seeking men? More
like, Wyoming seeking you.
Opinions Editor
Robertt “Sucky” Douthitt
Features Editors
David Sheep-herder
Jack Stupidway
PHOTO COURTESY OF THE INTERNET
Kate Hella-Tall
Christina Huggies
Nathan
Snow White
Writer X
Chocolate Thunder
Look Kindly
Samantha Phlegm
Vally of Eternal Darkness
*DEEZ NUTS!!!
this magnanimous assault of
the newspapers perfectly kept
locks? Well, at this point, we (the
geniuses of the LC Journal) all
knew what had to be done. We
needed to call in the big guns: The
producers of the CW (formally the
WB and UPN). We needed their
great comedic talent to combat
the stick figures filled with stick
vomit that was so maliciously
thrown at our precious manes.
We were elated to hear that
they would send us one of their
stars. But who, we thought,
but who? Perhaps it could be
someone from the cast of the
hit show “Girlfriends” or even
Rory from “Gilmore Girls.”
We would never have expected
them to send a gigantic star
such as Reba McEntire, who
is famous for coming up with
dazzling sea battle strategies as
well a witty banter that could
compete with Donald Trump.
Thus, the battle was taken to the sea.
When Tiger Growl, with their
high tech machinery, was moved
to the sea, they could not stand the
saltiness. This is the point where
McEntire in her infinite wisdom
and incredible wit said “If ya’
can’t stand the salt get outa’ tha’
sea.” This made the entire studio
audience that Tiger Growl
had employed to boost its self
confidence laugh with much gusto.
The laughter made the
water start to boil which was
all a part of McEntire’s plan
to “cook the competition.”
And the great McEntire said
“Guess I had the last laugh
after all,” as she dyed the
audience’s hair Rockin’ Reba
Red. With this girly showing of
superiority, Tiger Growl was ours.
ISSUE 3
Feechers
If you BLood, throw it up
PAGÉ THREEVE
April 2046
Mac Smith’s daeting advises
PHOTO BY YOU!!!!
Teacher Jennifer Showalter faked pregnancy for more chocolate.
PHOTO COURTESY A CAMERA
Have you ever pondered? Have you ever wondered why the oceans flow, why birds sing, why we live?
Dear Winston,
by Not Even Funny
Seriously First of all, your name sucks.
Let me drop some logic on y’all.
Dating in today’s fast-paced,
technologically dizzying world is
hard. Way hard. I’m here to help
out some of you dating-impaired
students score an uber-hot date.
And no, not with me. First, let
me begin by answering some fanmail.
P.S. Have you seen “The Sixth
Sense”?
Dear Mac,
I’m a big fan of your column,
I was recently watching The
Olympics and thought, man, those
gymnasts sure are built. But then I
realized they are all like 12 yearsold. In short, what’s the best way
to nab a girl younger than you?
Sincerely,
Dear Mac,
I can’t think of anyone
right off the bat, but if anyone
comes to mind, I’ll let you know.
P.S. Your name sucks.
Winston Dictionary.
Dear Mac,
I’m
probably
your
biggest fan. I was just looking for
someone to discuss “The Sixth
Sense” with. Any ideas?
Sincerely,
Mac Smith
Dear David Caruso,
I have a problem. My
twelve year-old sister has ended
up with a stalker. See, she’s a
gymnast and an Olympian, and
this creepy older guy won’t stop
coming around the house and
leaving her really scary messages
on our doorstep. One time, he
even left a flaming bag of dog
poop. This one might not have
been him, but the phonebook that
was there the next day definitely
was. Furthermore, I have this
problem where I can’t send letters
to the right people. What do you
suggest?
Sincerely,
Dismayed in Pocatello
Dear Dismayed,
David Caruso is a God.
I only wish I could provide you
with the insight he would be
able to. Here’s something I think
David Caruso would probably
say: “Love is like a wilting lily,
CSI Miami is amazing.” Hope
that helps!
Love,
Mac Smith
I SAW YOU
YOU: At the MLK Con. Fervently
reciting Dr. Martin Luther
King Jr.’s most famous speech.
Something about you made me
happy; maybe it was your name.
Lafter:
not really
‘medisine’
by Jack
Cause he so fly...
The American Medical Society
revealed that laughter may not be
the ‘best medicine’ on March 5.
Contrary to the popular belief
that laughter was the best medicine, medical science recently revealed through experimentation
that laughter may cause sudden
infant death syndrome and the
hauntavirus, both contributing to
a drastically shortened life-span.
The test was started when
angry parents confronted their
doctors about their children’s increasing sickness upon laughter.
“I was told laughter helped, so
I hired Carrot Top to entertain
my kid. When that did nothing,
I hired Bill Cosby, and that just
caused Jimmy to get sicker,” a
concerned parent said. “I hope
Showalter Scandal
by Conor Poop
I
knew
she
was
good
at
these kind of things.”
Staff Toilet spreading
“I was shocked when Danielle
LC students and staff were
shocked when English instructor
Jennifer Showalter announced
Tuesday, “I am not pregnant.”
After 10 percent of the
crowd passed out from the
pure scandal of it, Showalter
elaborated on the swindle.
“I thought it would be a good
way for some free chocolate,”
said Showalter. “One day I was
craving some so I thought ‘Hey!
I can pretend to be pregnant.”
Unfortunately, people
did not give her as much
chocolate as she had hoped.
“I can understand her
reasoning,”
said
senior
Emmily Eisenrich. “Everyone
needs chocolate sometimes.
It just makes you feel good.”
Some speculate as to how
she was able to pull it off.
“When I first thought up the
idea, I went to Mother’s Blue
Elastic Pants Unlimited and
bought all the cute maternity
clothes I could find,” said
Showalter. “I had no problems
dropping the big bucks because
secretly, I love to wear them. They
are just so darn comfortable.”
“After I bought the clothes it
was nothing more than getting
the word out,” said Showalter.
“I told Danielle Kugler because
told me my wife was pregnant,”
said
Showalter’s
husband
Kevin Showalter. “I thought to
myself, ‘How did this happen?’”
“Every morning I would wake
up before Kevin and tape a pillow
to my tummy,” said J. Showalter.
“Being pregnant is all about the
attitude. Sometimes you literally
have to scream, ‘Hey jerk can
you not see I’m pregnant!’”
J. Showalter revealed the truth
after the lack of free chocolate.
“I always thought she was more
of a vanilla-y type of person,” said
Reba Mcentire. “I am definitely
glad I did not give her chocolate.”
“I am glad she’s not
pregnant,” said K. Showalter.
“I enjoy my sleep too much
to have to deal with crying.”
J. Showalter will be facing half
a year in prison for impersonating
an
impregnated
lady.
“I do not think she understands
how disrespectful it is to mock
us,” said local pregnantee lady
Alice Pubert. “Not all of us
have the liberty of taking off
our belly at the end of the day.”
“I definitely regret what I did,”
said J. Showalter. “What I regret
most is the lack of chocolate I
actually received, thanks jerks.”
“At least I get to keep the
clothes,” said J. Showalter,
“especially the baby ones.”
Features
The Lewis and Clark High School Journal
ISSUE 5
PAGE 4
April Fools 2007
The day I pawned a diamond necklace for Zips
PHOTO BY JACK SIDDOWAY
PHOTO COURTESY OF JACK SIDDOWAY AND THE INTERNET
Junior Vally Moua becomes frightened as Jennifer Showalter’s fetus wreaks havoc upon LC.
Showalter’s fetus poses
threat to LC students, staff
by Sarah Leonhardy
Staff Writer
A member of the LC faculty,
english teacher Jennifer Showalter
was very pregnant. However, many
crucial details of this pregnancy
have been kept secrets from her
trusting LC family. On the 29 of
March, Showalter released a full
confession to the press about the
motive for her secretive behavior.
Because Showalter is a member
of our faculty, she also decided
to release this statement to the
LC Journal: “By releasing this
information, I feel like I will
be bringing LC together as a
family again,” said Showalter.
“No more secrets, just love.”
The following is a list of
Showalter’s
confessions:
1. “When my fetus was
working on its fourth
month, I put headphones
onto my tummy and played
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
the Yentil soundtrack
for my growing child.”
“Once my fetus had reached
its third month, I began to
eat a lot of cream of wheat
because I thought it needed
the Mr. Quaker’s touch.”
“Eric
Woodard,
it’s
your
ba-...”
“I want to make sure my
fetus has a vast knowledge
of film, so during my second
month I would sit alone on
my couch and quote ‘Baby
Geniuses’ for a few hours.”
“I also wanted my fetus has
a large knowledge of books,
so during tea time, I would
read Dr. Phil’s book to it.”
“My child’s name will hence
forth be Pubert Showalter.”
“Every time I become
pregnant, I disembowl a
hobo with a hammer, so as
to promote reincarnation.”
“Before I knew I was
pregnant, I was exhausted
and took a big nap.”
9. “If I have another
child, I will adopt from
the
Reba
McEntire
Adoption
Agency.”
10. “Although
much
speculation has occurred,
Mac
Smith
is
not
responsible for my child.”
11. “I
sing
baritone.”
12. “My favorite actress/
songwriter is Bette Midler.
I just love ‘Beaches’.”
13. “Mrs. Doubtfire is my
favorite movie, because
I have a HUGE crush
on Robin Williams.”
14. “I have a hidden stash of
maternity clothes. I used to
wear them on the weekends
when my husband was
gone, and dance around
the house to re-runs of
Home
Improvement.”
15. “My
baby
will
worship
Afro-Man
for his kickin’ beats.”
Spokane named most beautiful
city by Upper Crust Publication
Though the report recognized
once and do not recall viewing
by Emmily Eisenrich
any outstandingly handsome Spokane citizens as a whole for
News Editor men…or women. In fact, I their whistle-worthy bods, the
The citizens of Spokane
were named the world’s most
beautiful people last month in a
publication titled “Upper Crust.”
The report was the brainchild
of the famous rock-star Reba
Mcentire, who believed it was
high time that the bewitching
Spokanites be recognized for
their exquisite attractiveness.
“I just felt that those
Northwestern indigenous people,
who inhabit Eastern Washington,
deserved
acknowledgement
for
their
marvelous,
astounding and symmetrical
prettiness,”
Mcentire
said.
Reba’s critics do not entirely
agree with her infatuation of the
Spokanese people, but support
her unanimously because of her
terror inflicting southern twang.
Butch Dunts, the editor-inchief of “Upper Crust,” said,
“Frankly I don’t see what is so
great about them. I was there
remember thinking ‘wow, a lot
of fat and ugly people live here.’”
Despite the controversy, long
time Spokane resident Sir Cullen
T. Grow said, “It is wonderful
to
finally
be
recognized
“Frankly I don’t see what is
so great about them. I was
there once and do not recall
viewing any outstandingly
handsome men…or women.
In fact, I remember thinking
‘wow, a lot of fat and ugly
people live here.’”
for
the beauty I possess.”
“I knew I was beautiful,”
Betty Sanchez, “but I never
would have described myself
as breathtaking, especially on
the world scale. I mean those
Iraqi women are so attractive
in their contouring burkas.”
“Upper Crust” also included a list
of individuals from Spokane who
are considered to be the 10 most
beautiful people on planet earth.
Topping the list are 1. Sir
Cullen T. Grow.
2. Culley
Grow. 3. Cullen Taylor Grow.
4. Sir Grow. 5. Ms. Cenis (from
Sac). 6. Chemistry teacher Gary
Walther. 7. Culley Grow. 8. English
teacher Jennifer Showalter. 9.
Mayor Jim West. 10. Your mom.
“I don’t really feel beautiful.
Ever,” Ida Yugly said. “It is
good to know that the five
hours it takes me to get ready
every morning is not a waste.”
Since the report released in “Upper
Crust,” Spokane has experienced
200 times the number of tourists
before the articles publishing.
Therefore, the next time
some Japanese tourist asks to
take your picture, kindly smile
and break out and sing, “I am
beautiful… in every single way,”
in true Christian Aguilara fashion.
Sarah Leonhardy made the
pawn her diamond necklace
very difficult decision to
for a Zip’s cheeseburger.
could be potentially valuable.
by Sarah Leonhardy
I made my friend drive me to
Staff Writer my house so that I could fetch
Although the title may seem
horribly offensive, let me begin
by saying that I was on the
verge of dying from starvation.
For my birthday, a boy whom
I had no interest in gave me
a necklace which contained
diamonds. Although the thought
was nice, he obviously did not
know what I liked, and was
simply trying to impress me. If
he would have taken the time
to actually get to know me and
understand my interests, he
might have found that I loath
most modern pieces of jewelry.
As a matter of fact, if he had
taken the time to see what I wore
to school everyday, he might
have noted that I never wear
anything remotely resembling
what he purchased for me.
Even though I did not
find this trinket appealing, I
accepted it gratefully ( knowing
that I would never wear it).
A few months passed, and the
necklace was still in its box, buried
within my dresser drawer. The
only way that I reminded myself
that the necklace still existed was
when I dug through my dresser to
find a “clean” pair of underwear.
As the days slunk
along,
I
completely
forgot about the necklace.
Then one day my mother refused
to give me any money to feed
myself, and my rich “friend”
would not buy me anything to eat.
My hunger intensified, seeing
as I had not eaten anything for
approximately two days, and I
began to think that I was dying.
I was rolling on the floor in sheer
agony when suddenly I realized
that I still had the necklace which
my pointless piece of jewelry
from my dresser. Once I had the
necklace back into my clutches,
I ordered my driver to take
me to the nearest pawn shop.
The first pawn shop owner
examined the necklace under
very intricate microscopes. He
talked to me for approximately
ten minutes about how much I
was looking to receive for this
jewelry. After ten minutes of
telling him that I did not know,
and clutching my body in pain, he
finally told me that because my
necklace contained sterling silver,
he could not buy it from me.
On the way to the next pawn
shop, my hunger remained
persistent, and once again, the
pawn shop would not buy my
necklace because it contained
silver. The most that this shop
would offer was ten dollars.
Although at the time, ten dollars
seemed more than enough to satisfy
my needs, however I suggested
that we try one more pawn shop.
We then traveled to the worst
pawn shop in town, so bad that
they carried taped versions
of ‘Baby Geniuses 2, Super
Babies’ and had broken dusty
drums in the window. Once
again, the shop would not
buy from me the necklace.
Now that all sense of survival
had been diminished, I returned
to the second pawn shop, almost
crawling to the door. I accepted
the owners offer of ten dollars.
Because class was about to start,
my friend and I did not have time to
go where we originally planned, so
instead we managed to purchase a
garden burger meal with a vanilla
milk shake from Zips in exchange
for my hard earned money.
Sports
The Lewis and Clark High School Journal
PAGE 5
April 2007
Sports page gone
due to no student interest
PHOTO BY JACK SIDDOWAY
LC Journal Editors harass and beat sports editor Culley Grow, displaying their disgust towards him.
by The Durango Kids
Adventure has a new posse
The sports section of the Lewis
& Clark Journal will no longer be
running after this current issue,
in response to lack of interest by
ISSUE 5
the newspaper staff and the readers. The size of the paper will be
reduced from a 12 page to a nine
page issue containing only news,
feature and opinion sections.
“I think it’s a change that will
benefit the success of the newspaper and increase the interest of
readers,” said Editor-in-Chief senior Mac Smith. “I’ve thought that
the sports page has been a waste of
time, space and money for some
time now. Besides, now we can
finally get rid of Culley Grow.”
“I agree,” said sports editor junior
Culley Grow. “Mac really has the
interest of the newspaper at heart.”
Results from a student poll
showed that 73 percent of students felt that the Sports section
gives no contribution to the school
newspaper, and more importantly,
86 percent of students felt that
Grow should no longer attend LC.
A major reason for the cancellation of the sports section came in
response to multiple complaints
from anonymous letters to the
editor from LC students. While
a few of the responses expressed
a lack of feelings in general
about the sports section, neither
against nor for it, most of the replies conveyed strong emotions
of wrath, rage, fury, animosity,
hostility, loathing and an overall hatred of the sports section.
“It really is a reflection
of the editing skills of the
sports editor,” said newspaper advisor Jennifer Showalter.
The sports section previously kept record of the all LC
sports teams. It provided in
depth detail and profound insight into the sports’ dynamics,
while informing those who otherwise would not have known
the fate of their school’s team.
(Un)fortunately, it is gone forever,
and the effects seem irreversible.
In actuality, there has been only
one outcome from this change
that affects the entire school,
and nobody has any desire to
change it if they could. That’s
because they’re happy about it.
A less significant result has
occurred on a smaller scale
though. Grow, the former sports
editor, no longer needed in the
class, dropped out of school and
now lives a nomadic life, residing amidst various Spokane
parks, roaming with the coyotes,
feasting on the flesh of others.
[Subsequent to writing this article, Grow was subsequently found
dead, infected with rabies, because
he died…of rabies. He was rabid].
John Madden on our global
economy: words of wisdom
PHOTO BY TUCKER CLARRY AND INTERNET
PHOTO BY TUCKER CLARRY AND INTERNET
New Portland Mariners and Seahawks no longer cursed for life.
Seattle sports teams
relocate to Portland
by Curtis Williams
aka Cameron
A few days ago, the Seattle
sports market was shot a devastating blow. Ironically, on
March 24, both Seahawks majority owner Paul Allen and
Mariners majority owner’s group
the Baseball Club of the Northwest announced that they were
moving three hours south down
Interstate 5 to Portland, OR.
This comes as a shock to Seattle after all the success the two
teams have achieved over the past
decade. “It was time to make a
change,” said Allen. “Although
we have had a great ride here in the
Emerald City, we have bigger and
better goals. We believe that the
city of Portland gives the greatest
opportunity to win and succeed
now and for many years to come.”
As for the Mariners, they were
thinking many of the same ideas.
They believe that the wear and tear
on Seattle and the commitments
that the city put into the club were
too much for them to handle.
After building huge stadiums
for each team on a fault line that
has been rumored to have earthquakes in its future, the factor of
safety came into play. “It is very
important to protect the safety
of players, employees and most
importantly our fans,” Mariners
Board of Directors Chairman
John Ellis said. “We believe that
from a safety perspective, among
many others, this move just made
sense for this organization.”
The decision to move to
Portland came as a surprise
to the city’s mayor himself.
“I am pleasantly surprised that
these two first class organizations
would even consider moving to
Portland,” Portland Mayor Tom
Potter said. “Now that they have
chosen to move, I’m absolutely
thrilled with the prospect of having three professional organizations within our city limits. The
only thing we may still need to
figure out is the venue these two
organizations will have to play in.”
“We have an excellent arena
for the Blazers, now we must
get the construction workers on
the job building an interim stadium so that these two teams can
compete at the highest level on
the national stage,” Potter said.
The Seahawks are scheduled to
play their first game in Portland
at the beginning of the 2008 season in September. The Mariners
are scheduled to open their new
field in Portland in April 2009.
All fans of these two squads
in the greater Spokane area will
have a much further trek to see
their favorite team play after
each team debuts in Portland.
John Madden often explains his plays through simple drawings.
by John Madden
that she looks good like a turkey!
God almond Men Turkey……MMMMMMM!!!!!!
Hey folks, John Madden here!
I just wanna let you know what
an important thing the economy
is! It’s like, if we didn’t have
the economy…the…the…well,
I don know what I’d do if the
economy stopped or something,
but I don know I’d do…….I’d
probably be sellin soap to prostitutes or someoithenoretha!!!!!!
If we could find a way to hook
up Brett Favre to the economy, I
don think I’d ever have to worry
about soap or prostitutes! Pow!
I don’t wanna sell soap. I mean I
use it, but I don’t wanna sell it!
Brett Favre could…I bet…sell
loads of soap! Soaps not for
me, I mean, I jus’ wanna settle
down with some girl, someone like a female Brett Favre or
a Reba! Yaaaaaaa! Wooooof!
I could go for Reba like I could
go for some wings…or turducken. I…I…I’m not sayin I wanna
eat Reba….but…but…I’ jus think
Both wings and turducken have
wings and that’s probably why
they taste good….yhoo know…
like they taste good like… .like…
.like… .like… .like …..like
….like… .like…like…. .like
…..like………..Well I don know,
but a lot of things taste good!
Some things don’t taste good and
when you run into a bad taste it’s
like…..Pow!?!?!?!?!? I I I I I bet
Brett Favre knows what tastes
good! That guy knows that the
best way to beat to opposing team
is to get more points than them!
I I I I I bet he knows other stuff
to though….You know…like he
knows smart stuff….Like the
economy….yaa!….the
economy….I mean if you strapped him
to the economy…he’d talk and….
He’d kinda pull….and…Well….
I think the economy might explode if Brett Favre talked to
it! YAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
!!!%^*&*&% The economy is
a…a…a big powerful thing! It’s
got lots of power….you know…
like in it…and…….around it!
….and maybe under it!….
But…uhhh….not
over
it!
Now….the global part…well
the economy’s big….I mean
it’s…it’s…it’s…well, it’s bigger
than a football field! You could
probably clone a million Brett
Favres and they still wouldn’t
fit in the exonomy. But……The
economy…..It….it…It…it works
really well,,,,in and around Super Bowl Sunday! This is the
year…I know it…..that Brett Favre will win it all by himself!!!!!!
Pow! Bang! Kablow! And…
and…and…and… that’s our
global economy….or at least….
those are the notes I’ve got!
Boom!!!! Tough actin’ Tinactin!
Where’s my burger?!?!?!?!?!?!
ISSUE 5
Reba
The Lewis and Clark High School Journal
PAGE 6
April 2007
Reba and J-Tim now dating New album: Reba
said McEntire. “I thought
by Reba McEntire
I was dreaming, but once I
Staff Writer looked into Justin’s eyes I knew
that this was the real thing.”
Not only did Timberlake leave
his significant other for McEntire, but McEntire left her husband as well. After their dinner
date, McEntire filed for divorce
from her husband filing under in reconcile differences.
The couple’s relationship has
been said by People the magazine
to be growing stronger. The couple said, that they only have great
things to come in their future.
“I never thought this day
would come,” said Timberlake. “I have finally found the
woman I’m going to marry.”
Even after only seeing each other
for a few short months the couple
has announced that they will be
getting married, and the date of
the celebration is still undecided.
“I never thought that I would
fall in love with such an amazing, young and handsome man,”
said McEntire. “I have finally
found my Prince Charming.”
“We have, in fact, ended our
romantic relationship, and have
done so mutually and as friends,”
said Justin Timberlake on his
relationship with actress Cameron Diaz. With this Timberlake
has also broken the silence of
his mysterious relationship that
has been known to be the alleged reason for the couples split.
US weekly said that Timberlake
and Scarlett Johansson had secret
by Reba McEntire
Staff Writer
Infamous country crooner and
sitcom goddess Reba McEntire
will release a new album on April
18, 2007. The album, tentatively
titled “MC Rebalicious: Back to
the Ghetto,” will be an accumulation of songs based on her original hip-hop and R&B beginnings.
“I have had the privilege of listening to the album pre-release.
It is straight up ganster!” said her
long-time pal Al Gore. “It’s going
PHOTOS COURTESY OF INTERNET
“I thought I was
dreaming, but once
I looked into Justin’s
eyes I knew that this
was the real thing,”
said McEntire
relations after Timberlake cast Johansson in his latest music video.
This relationship has been denied by both. One of Timberlake’s
back-up dancers later discovered
that Timberlake indeed had a secret lover that caused the break
up, and if given time he would
revile her identity to the public.
Timberlake announced later that
week that he had found true love
in the arms of the country singer
and sitcom actress Reba McEntire.
The couple found themselves gazing into each others eyes at Timberlake’s movie premiere of “Alpha Dog”.
“Her fiery red hair caught my
eye from across the room,” said
Timberlake. “And from that moment on I knew she was the one.”
After the premiere, McEntire found her way to Timberlake and made her move, which
later lead to the two going to
a romantic candle-lit dinner.
“It was absolutely perfect,”
Never has a woman defined grace and beauty as much as Reba McEntire. She’s Reba-licious.
to bring us all back to the g-hetto.”
Being McEntire’s first hip-hop
album, her first single off of the
album, “Smack that Tush, G,”
was released on Feb. 14. According to McEntire’s agent, Sean
“Diddy” Combs, the song is an
upbeat, up-tempo dance song.
“I don’t see nothing wrong with
a little dirty dancin’,” said Combs.
“This song is going straight to the
clubs and high school dances.”
The album is going to be released
as a two-disc, special edition set.
The first disc embraces quasimainstream songs while the second consists of powerful collaborations with other famous artists.
Song titles on the first disc include “Shake Your Baby-Feeders,” “Man, I Feel Like a Pimp,”
“Where’s My Dough” and the
album title song, “Rebalicious.”
Most songs present are meant to
be dance songs, songs that will
eventually get all who listen
to start grooving with the beat.
On the second disc, McEntire
joins forces with such notorious
stars as Elton John, Tupac (who
coincidentally is not dead), Britney Spears, Kevin Federline and
50 Cent. Be sure to listen for the
hip ballad about youths during
their rites of passage and the power of friendship, “My H-O-M-IE-S,” a duet with Britney Spears.
“I’m sure this album will go
straight to the top of the R&B
charts,” McEntire said to the press
in Atlanta, GA. “This is sure to
bring back my career and give me
a newer, younger audience in the
young hip-hop lovers of the world.”
In other news, McEntire is
planning on taking part in the
up-and-coming reality show
“America’s Next Triple Threat,”
based on the hit Scandinavian sensation “Guten Tag.”
“By entering into the reality T.V.
industry, I will have another source
of income, which I will then donate
to the fund for the “White Rapper
Show” on VH1,” said McEntire.
Be sure to pre-order your copy
of “MC Rebalicious: Back to the
Ghetto,” before it’s release in April
so you will not be waiting in line.
Reba impersonator at LC pretending to be Reba
icking the legendary Reba.” auditioned to be a regular per- income from a single performer.
“I hear she’s quite good and
by Reba McEntire
At
the
age
of
five,
Moua
heard
former
on
the
restaurant’s
stage.
It’s
astounding!”
said
Mendela.
I’m
very interested in meetStaff Writer her first McEntire album. It was
“[Bob Mendela] said this to me:
But, despite her success at the ing with her,” McIntire said
An LC student recently entered the business of impersonation. Junior Vally Moua is
quickly becoming well-known
for her Reba McEntire imitations.
“I feel that the impersonation industry is a strong one,”
said Moua. “I’m going to go
places, great places, by mim-
love at first note. Soon, she knew
all the words and had already accumulated three more albums.
“I listened to her so often that
I began to sing and talk exactly the same,” Moua said.
“It was almost like I was her
long-lost, much younger twin.”
In her early teens, Moua auditioned for the show “America’s
Got Talent.” Although she received much praise from the
judges, she was sadly beaten
by a deaf and blind college
mascot for the South Carolina
Penguins. But Moua never let
this devastation put her down.
After an appropriate time of
grief, a few years, Moua visited the manager of Hooters. She
‘I don’t know why you want to
perform here of all places, you
have such great talent! You should
be a professional!’ It was then that
I realized my dream of becoming a certified
Reba impersonator,” said Moua.
After the audition at Hooters,
Moua began performing there every Thursday and
Saturday night.
“The people
love Vally. Many
of them had never heard of Reba
before seeing [Vally] but now
they can’t get enough of her! I
have never had this great of an
restaurant, Moua has bigger plans
for her career. After high school,
she plans on once again auditioning for “America’s Got Talent.”
“By landing a spot on that show,
I could really
make it big time.
I know I could
win and finally
get the attention
I deserve. This
is my dream and
I’ll be darned
if I am going
to give up on
it,” said Moua.
In related news, McEntire, upon receiving news of
Moua’s imitations, has attempted to reach out to her.
“I’m going to go
places, great places,
by mimicking the
legendary Reba,”
said Moua
to press on Jan. 15, 2007.
Moua is reluctant to meet her
idol though, for fear that McEntire may criticize her work. “I
just don’t want her to see me
before I’ve completely perfected my act. But when I’m ready,
she’ll be the first to know, you
can count on that!” Moua said.
Students can always go to Hooters to view Moua. But she was also
recently invited to perform at the
INB Performing Arts Center on
April 6. Tickets for students cost
ten dollars and 15 dollars for adults.
“I hope that people will come
and watch me. The more people
come and the more shows I get,
the more practice I have before
I finally meet Reba,” said Moua.
Opinions
The Lewis and Clark High School Journal
ISSUE 5
PAGE 7
April 2007
Mambo #5 no ‘longer’ popular
trumpets, you will not hear a single
By Patrick Stagaman
of Bega’s smooth, sultry
No Longer In Newspaper note
voice and you will not even hear
So, there you are, sitting in
your room, listing to a CD on
your walkman, or sitting in class;
hood up to hide your headphones
which are relaying the music
from your iPod to your ears.
Maybe you are even in your
car, listening to that new radio
station, “The River” on 99.9,
and bopping along to the music.
These seemingly different
scenarios
have
something
in common. You are always
listening to music. “What kind of
music, Oswald?” you might ask.
I cannot tell you exactly what
song, however, I can tell you
exactly NOT what song, and that
is Lou Bega’s “Mambo No. 5.”
This is surprising, I know, but
even if you spend all day flipping
through the radio stations, you will
not hear a snippet of the blasting
a little bit of Monica in your life.
The disappearance of the
Mambo is confusing, and I have
spent the last few months trying
to figure out why my very favorite
song cannot be
heard anymore,
and I can only
come to one
conclusion:
People
do
not find it hip
anymore. This
wondrous song,
that topped the
charts for as
long as I paid
attention
to
them, gaining
the number one
spot in Australia as well as spots in
the top five all across the US and
Europe, is no longer paid attention
to by the populace of the globe.
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Classroom/Simulation/Driving
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T/W/Th 3:30-5:30
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“I can’t believe it,” said
junior Mark Hay, who heads
the Art Group here at LC.
“[The song’s] overwhelming
interpolations extrapolated from
Perez Prado’s original, coupled
with its awe-inspiring lyrics
and
Bega’s
dwixophantic
voice
make
it this past
centuries
‘Vitruvian Man.’
I don’t see how
people
could
just ignore it!”
It is apparent
that the heedless,
unmindful
masses
have
forgotten
what true art is, and the effects
of a Mamboless globe have
already
become
prevalent.
Polar ice caps are melting,
rainforests are decreasing in size,
and pollution is at an all-time
high, or at least it should be. But
consequences have also shown
in human behavior. Depression
is now a global phenomenon,
affecting more people every day,
as well as ADD, obesity and
Rocky Mountain spotted fever.
One of the rickettsia-ridden
fatties
who
has
stopped
listening to “Mambo #5” is
sophomore
Sean
Hoffman.
“I never liked that song,” said
Hoffman. “It kind of sucked. I’m
more of an ‘Aqua’guy. Y’know that
song, ‘Barbie World’? Amazing.”
However amazing it may be, it
could never equal the Mambo.
Hoffman is not the
only one who does not
appreciate Bega’s ingenuity.
“That song hasn’t been hip for
a while, dude,” said apparent
music junkie senior Mac Smith.
“It should never have been liked
by anyone and you are a [naughty
word] for liking the [puerile]
song!” Obviously, Smith only
listens to mediocre bands like The
Beatles, Reba McEntire or Antonio
Vivaldi, because he clearly has
no clue what he is talking about.
Luckily, there are still the
faithful few, such as Hay, who
continue to listen to Mambo No. 5.
“It’s less painful to listen to
than the death rattle of my only
child,” said English teacher Eric
Woodard. “So yeah, I pop it into
my CD player now and then…It
makes the tears taste less bitter.”
Whatever your “reason” is for
not listening to Bega’s #1 hit, even
though it is what God dances to
every Thursday night, I encourage
you to give it one last listen, and
call in to your favorite radio
station and request them to play it.
“Jurassic Park,” a novel by Michael Crichton, was released in
1990 to widespread critical acclaim. In 1993, it was made into
a blockbuster movie by director Stephen Spielberg.
The Scorpions
and the album title song,
by Kate Hell-En-Thall
“Scorpionslicious.” Most songs
Staff Writer present on this disc are meant
Infamous country crooner and
sitcom goddess The Scorpions will
release a new album on April 18,
2007. The album, tentatively titled
“MC Scorpionslicious: Back to the
Ghetto,” will be an accumulation
of songs based on her original
hip-hop and R&B beginnings.
“I have had the privilege of
listening to the album pre-release.
It is straight
up
ganster!”
said
long-time
Scorpions pal Al
Gore. “It’s going
to bring us all back
to the g-hetto.”
This will be The
Scorpions
first
hip-hop album.
On Feb. 14, she
will release her
first single off
of the album,
“Smack that Tush,
G.” According
to The Scorpions
agent,
Sean
“Diddy” Combs,
the song is an
upbeat, up-tempo dance song.
“I don’t see nothing wrong with a
little bump ‘n’ grind,” said Combs.
“This song is going straight to the
clubs and high school dances.”
The album is going to be
released as a two-disc, special
edition set. The first disc will
embrace quasi-mainstream songs
while the second will consist
of
powerful
collaborations
with other famous artists.
Song titles on the first disc
include “Shake Your BabyFeeders,” “Man, I Feel Like a
Pimp,” “Where’s My Dough”
to be dance songs, songs that
will eventually get all listening
to start grooving with the beat.
On the second disc, The
Scorpions join forces with such
notorious stars as Elton John,
Tupac (who coincidentally is
not dead), Britney Spears, Kevin
Federline and 50 Cent. Be sure
to listen for the hip ballad about
youths during their rites of passage
and the power of
friendship, “My
H-O-M-I-ES,” a duet with
Britney Spears.
“I’m sure this
album will go
straight to the
top of the R&B
charts,” said The
Scorpions to the
press in Atlanta,
GA. “This is sure
to bring back
my career and
give me a newer,
younger audience
in the young
hip-hop lovers
of the world.”
In other news, The Scorpions
are planning on taking part in
the up-and-coming reality show
“America’s Next Triple Threat,”
based on the hit Scandinavian
sensation
“Guten
Tag.”
“By entering into the reality
T.V. industry, I will have another
source of income, which I
will then donate to the fund
for the “White Rapper Show”
on VH1,” saidThe Scorpions.
So remember, be sure
to pre-order your copy of
“MC
Scorpionslicious:
Back
to
the
Ghetto.”
Letters ‘to’ the editor-in-chief
Dear LC Journal:
Dear LC Journal,
I would just like to say that your
last issue sucked. The writing
was horrible, the photos were
crude, the layout was childish,
and the advisor was pregnant.
However, I absolutely adore
Robby, Nathan and Erik’s
breathtaking work. Keep up the
good work guys! For the rest of
you, I have two words: No future.
While listening to John Denver
and reading the LC Journal in
front of my fireplace, I happened
to come across an error in your
October edition. In the article
entitled “Another Spokane Golf
Pro Found Decapitated,” you
apparently reported that “the
deranged deaths of numerous
golfing instructors across the
state remind Washington natives
of the dark years when serial
killer Al Roker was at large.”
I believe that you were trying
Sincerely,
Erik Walters
to reference Ted Bundy, the mass
murderer, rapist, and necropheliac
responsible for the deaths of
over 30 young women, but were
somehow mistaken. Al Roker is
the charmingly witty weatherman
on the Today Show. Ted Bundy
is not. It’s a common mistake.
Thanx!
Rocky Mountain High
Opinions
ISSUE 5
April 2007
PAGE 8
“Empty spaces, pretty faces”
by Nathan Weinbender
Staff Writer
Japanese filmmaker Yakamoto
Yakamoto has crafted more
masterpieces than nearly every
filmmaker working in Hollywood
today, from his action extravaganza
“Crackers?” to his big-budget
musical remake of “Alien 3.” But
with his romantic epic “Empty
Spaces, Pretty Faces,” Yakamoto
has raised the standards of his
already impeccable résumé.
Martin Lawrence plays Colon
Oldman, an alcoholic Sunday
school teacher suffering from
the backlash of a recent divorce.
One night on a drunken escapade,
Colon makes a real mess of
things when he accidentally
builds a canoe and goes for
a boating jaunt in Lake Erie.
When he wakes up in the morning
to find himself stranded on a small
desert island, Colon explodes
with anger. In his frustration,
he throws a coconut at a nearby
tree and, surprisingly, a mailbox
falls from its highest boughs.
Fatigued and desperate, he puts
an SOS message into the box.
Meanwhile, thirty years in the
future, CookieJo Murphy (Dame
Judi Dench), a manic depressive
fitness trainer on the Planet Reba,
finds Colon’s mysterious note
in her own mailbox. Confused
by its meaning, she places her
own message into her mailbox,
and it magically winds up in
Colon’s box back on the island.
CookieJo and Colon begin
corresponding through their
mailboxes, and they eventually fall
in love. The problem is that not only
A hungry Velociraptor screeches while barelling through the
desert in a monster truck, in hot pursuit of a herd of megaladons. This is, without a doubt, the coolest scenario ever.
Judi Dench and Martin Lawrence star in Yakamoto Yakamoto’s
newest masterpiece “Empty Spaces, Pretty Faces.” This movie
is highly reccommended for fans of “The Lakehouse.”
do they live in different decades,
but on different planets as well.
The premise stretches the
boundaries
of
believability,
but Dench and Lawrence are
such remarkable thespians that
they bring enough emotional
depth to constitute the film
as
dramatically
credible.
Dench, straight from an Oscar
nomination for “Camp Counselors
in Wet T-Shirts,” is simply
stunning. She is the centerpiece
of the film’s most memorable
scene: CookieJo is desperate to
consummate her love with Colon,
and in a final act of desperation
decides to send herself piece
by piece through the mailbox.
As CookieJo slices through her
own wrist with a hacksaw, blood
splatters her face, mingling with
her tears. It is certainly one of
the most powerful, life-affirming
moments in cinematic history, its
only rival being that one cool car
chase from “Gone in 60 Seconds.”
Lawrence (still recovering
from his guest appearance on
NBC’s xylophiliac sitcom “The
Chestnut Tree” wows as well.
The honesty and earnestness of
his performance is pungent, and
his on-the-beach love scene with
Dench’s right leg is breathtaking.
“Empty Spaces, Pretty Faces”
is like watching a three-hour
train wreck, only instead of
bursting into flames the train
lands in a basket of freshlyfolded laundry. It’s delightful.
AFI: > than “consumatin’ it”
by Christina Huggins
Staff Writer
The popular rock band, A
Fire Inside (AFI), has had
great success in the last year
after the release of their newest
album “Love Like Crap.”
After a short break between
albums, AFI has appropriately
been named as one of the best
rock bands of the year. Therefore
here is a list of reasons why
the band is so successful:
Their soft melodic music is
a must for any music lover.
The members of the band are
so grounded and sane. “Davey
doesn’t watch the gosh-darn road
when he’s driving. I’m sure if we
crashed he would be fine and I
would be imbedded in a tree. If
he ever kills me with his driving
though, I’m gonna come back as
a squirrel and run up his pant leg,”
said band member Jade Puget.
The pictures that they use
on their album colors are so
happy, like dead trees and fog.
By Erik & Nathan’s 13he couldnt find gramma’s house.
year-old Niece
Clay has a voice as smooth as
Staff Writers velvet and satan. The only thing
My 13-year-old niece is the cutest
button doll muffin cake you’ll
ever meet on a rainy day! She
does this thing where she wears
a sweater but puts her head where
her arm is supposed to go and it’s
so funny when she does it. I laugh
every time! She likes to write me
movie reviews for my birthday
and these are her most favorite
movies she has seen lately. Ta Da!
Herbie: Fully Loaded
I think Lindsey Lohan is the best
actresses working in movies today
and a good role
model because
she has pretty
red hair and a
high tolerance
for vodka and
she
doesnt
wear underware
either.
The
race scenes are
exilleration and
I was wishing
I could have
seen this movie on the big screen
but my aunt doesnt take me to
the movies very much. Still I
think you should all be checking
out Herbie Fully Load on DVD
because it has lots of laughs
in it and plenty of thrills too.
This crude, blurred and pixelated picture is an album cover
from the rock ‘n roll group AFI. In case you were not aware,
AFI has been confirmed as “the best band ever.”
Their
style
never
“Screemo,”
gets
old.
Their songs are so drastically
different. Like these two
wonderful songs, “Desperation.
Devastation. /All I truly know
(All that I know)/Is isolation. Selfdamnation./All life that I know/
Was shed and worthless now,”
and “One at a time I watched them
all forget./One at a time I’m lost
in little deaths./It’s the place that
I, I forget my life, like tonight.”
A group of Despair Faction
members said “Just because
Davey Havoc paints his nails and
wears lots and lots of makeup
doesn’t mean he is unstable.”
“Their Christmas album with
my mom, Reba McEntire,
truly touches my soul,” said
McEntire’s son, Pubert McEntire.
-Sarah
in the
said,
band is
“Everyone
so hot!”
i would change is get rid of Barry
Mannillow because I hate Barry
Manilow and I think he has a
crooked nose and when he sings
I want to punch a hole in a wall
but not a brick wall. I saw this
on TV on Bravo which I usually
not allowed to watch because
there are flamboyant people
on it. I LOVE CLAY!!!!!!!!
The Perfect Man
All of you Hillary duff haters out
there you should watch this movie.
She is very cute and good in this
movie and her acting has really
grown
since
her last movie
which I don’t
remember what
that movie was
called. Hillary
Duff is very
charming
in
this movie and
so is Heather
Lockleer who
is very cute
because
she
is married to the Bon Jovi. I’ve
loved this movie since I saw it at
Katie’s birthday party last May.
“...Lindsey Lohan
is the best actresses
working in movies
today and a good
role model because
she has pretty red
hair and a high
tolerance for vodka
and she doesnt wear
underware either.”
A Clay Aiken Christmas
Clay Aiken is in my opinion one
of the very best singers around
today because he has an amazing
singing he is one of my favorite
musical artists along with Jay
Z and Steeley Dan. Clay was
on American Idol which is the
TV show from fox and I used
to TiVo that show alot until our
Tivo machine broke and the
cable guy never came because
The members of their fan
club, Despair Faction, are very
warm, nice and happy people.
Their songs are truly inspiring.
Like this wonderful lyric “The
stars that mystified/he left them
all behind/and how his children
cried/He left us all behind.”
Dinomonstertrucks
The Holiday
The Holiday starring Camren
Diaz and Kate Winslett that is so
funny and it is also very heartfelt
too. This movie is funny and
makes you laugh but it also makes
you smile like Jack Black is great
in this movie!! The funnyest part
in the holiday was the part when
Cameron Diaz she is walking in
her high heel shoes and she slips
on a patch of ice and then she
grabs onto that tree branch that
is covered in snow and the snow
falls all over her head and face and
gets on her head too!! Youll have
a jollyday at the Holiday!!!!!!