Love doesn`t hurt, it kills - Delaware County Community College

Dave Chappelle Mania!
pages 2, 5, and 7
Volume 11, No. 1 DCCC student transfers
to a school NOT
named West Chester
page 37
Editor still loves eggs
And your mom
page 13
“Controlling Delaware and Chester Counties”
February 13, 2008
Love doesn’t hurt, it kills
exactly makes the brain release the chemical
that induces the Effect,” Matsumoto said.
“Once we pinpoint why people suffer from
love, we can work to develop a cure.”
The team’s research will focus on the
brain’s reaction to members of the opposite
Cupid’s poisonous arrows are killing you.
Men may suffer from prolonged periods of
confusion, unprovoked fits of anger, and a
general decrease in functioning brain cells.
Now that Loob’s team has identified
the symptoms and consequences of the Love
Effect, they will turn their attention to its
causes.
“It is important to understand what
Cafeteria serves up mystery meat
Image courtesy of pamelaheywood.com
said. “I just couldn’t understand why
I would have an allergic reaction to
an animal that lives 22 countries
away.”
At Taylor Hospital Summers’
blood work revealed that she had
Hungarian muskrat in her system.
“I knew then that it had to be
from the hamburger that I ate in the
cafeteria,” Summers said. “I know
this because I am also an aspiring
model, and I am on a so-called eatonce-a-week diet. That hamburger
was the only thing I had eaten in like
14 days.”
Sneak kitty into your next class...in your tummy.
The hospital immediately
notified local health inspectors of their
By Shanna Manning
findings.
This is not the first time that questions
The reports are in. DCCC’s hamburgers
about the cafeteria food have been raised.
are not made out of beef at all. They are, in
Tyler Curtis, a 19-year-old business
fact, made up of 70 percent cat, 12 percent
technology major with a cat allergy, said he
Hungarian muskrat, and 3 percent aye-aye.
often experienced sneezing and puffy eyes
Suspicions about the composition of
after eating the cafeteria food.
DCCC’s hamburgers began to surface when
Curtis told the nurse about his issue and
Kelly Summers, a 19-year-old liberal arts
a couple of days later he received a letter from
major, went into anaphylactic shock after
DCCC stating that he was going to receive a
eating lunch in the cafeteria.
4.0 for the semester, but only if he took allergy
“I have always known that I have a severe
medicine before eating in the cafeteria.
allergy to the Hungarian muskrat,” Summers
“I bit into a burger and ended up with a
Continued on page 2
sex. For reasons they have yet to determine,
the onset of the Love Effect is brought on
characteristics or needs that seem to be able to
be fulfilled by certain members of the opposite
sex. Men respond to feelings of physical
attraction while women are stimulated by
feeling of financial security.
Matsumoto
cautions
that
while
preliminary investigations into the root of
the Love Effect are underway, it in unknown
how long it will take for the team to have hard
results. In the meantime, he suggests setting
up support groups for those afflicted.
“We are working on setting up guidelines
that counselors can use to help start what
we like to call Love Anonymous,” he said.
“People suffering from the Love Effect need
to be treated as delicately as those with any
other debilitating disease.”
While Loob and his team have not
yet found a medical treatment for the Love
Effect, it seems certain behavior patterns may
decrease the production of Schytomitosin in
the brain. Women respond to receiving luxury
items such as jewelry, while men can keep
the Love Effect at bay using a pattern of brief
physical intimacy with their partner followed
by prolonged socializing with other male
sufferers of the Love Effect.
Loob acknowledged that although the
Love Effect may occur involuntarily, the
damage it causes may be minimal if detected
early enough. He stresses the importance
of knowing the signs and symptoms of the
condition.
“If you feel like you may be afflicted,
cease all contact with the opposite sex and
see a doctor immediately,” Loob said. “I don’t
care how attractive you may find someone;
they aren’t worth losing your sanity or your
life over.”
Contact Joe Smith
at [email protected]
Public dating becomes illegal
By Tina Griffith
teens and to perhaps create a reason for young
Americans to join the military.
“The rate of young people joining the
army is declining, and there are only a few
more months left before the next presidential
election. If Bush wants to make a difference,
however he decides to do it, now is the time”
Hewitt said in a recent speech.
Starting in March all restaurants will need
to see identification of those couples dining
Many Americans are preparing for a
lonely Valentine’s Day this year thanks to a
new law passed by President George W. Bush
on Sunday. The new law going into effect on
Feb. 14 states “Love will likely be the downfall
of our country, therefore it is no longer legal to
date, fall in love or marry anyone if you are
under the age of 30.”
Under the new law
all citizens born after
Jan. 1, 1978 will need
to wait two months
after turning 30 to apply
for a wedding license
for any such romantic
activity. This license will
require passing an eye
examination, taking an
undisclosed written and
verbal test, and studying
a book entitled The
Horrors of Falling in
Love, by psychologist
Valentine’s Day won’t be as crushingly lonely once
and presidential adviser
dating is illegal.
Jackson Hewitt.
According to the white house official, the
out. Anyone under 30 will not be permitted to
new law was passed according to a spokesman
date publicly, whether in love or just going out
to stop the positive outlook on life by many
for fun. School dances are also in jeopardy.
Image courtesy of blogs.trb.com
On the surface, falling in love seems to
be a wonderful and magical experience. Skies
look bluer, grass looks greener, and the world
is a happy place. But under the surface, that
euphoria is slowly killing you.
A team of researchers working out of
Johns Hopkins University have discovered
the physiological dangers of what was once
believed to be an emotional state.
“We have pinpointed the cause of the
precarious physical condition that people
confuse with being in love,” said Per-Johan
Loob, lead researcher and director of the
University of Stockholm’s Medical College.
Loob and his team revealed that various
stimuli causes the brain to release the
neurotoxin Schytomitosin, resulting in what
the team has dubbed the “Love Effect.”
“We aren’t quite certain what triggers the
Love Effect, but we do have several theories,”
said Naoki Matsumoto, a neuroscientist from
Nippon University in Japan. “Physical lust
seems to bring about its onset, as does prolonged
periods of loneliness or depression.”
While the exact causes of the Love
Effect may not be entirely clear, the dangers
it presents are. Chief among these is BHS, or
Broken Heart Syndrome. BHS occurs when the
brain suddenly stops producing Schytomitosin,
causing the ventricles of the heart to swell and
rupture.
“BHS can also occur because of long-term
exposure to the Love Effect and may account
for up to one half of the heart attacks in the
United States alone,” Loob said. “People are
dropping like flies because they think they’re
in love.”
While BHS is the most severe consequence
of the Love Effect, a variety of other symptoms
have been observed in both women and men.
Women may experience feelings of severe
jealousy, uncontrolled release of the tear ducts,
and episodes resembling bipolar behavior.
Image courtesy of www.huge-entity.com
By Joe Smith
Continued on page 2
Page 2
Jessica Simpson enters witness
protection program
Cowboys’ wide receiver,
Terrell Owens, confessed to
starting a couple of the antiJessica blogs, and even writing
some of the death threats.
“Right
now,
Jessica
Simpson is not a fan favorite
in this locker room or in Texas
Stadium,” Owens told reporters.
“A lot of people feel like she’s
probably taking [Romo’s] focus
away.”
Jessica is the second
member of the Simpson family
to enter the witness protection
program. Her younger sister,
Ashlee, was embarrassed so
badly after lip singing at a
Saturday Night Live episode
that she voluntarily joined.
Simpson was unavailable
for comment.
Contact Shanna Manning
at [email protected].
edu
Photo courtesy of your mom
Jessica Simpson reportedly joined the
witness protection program last week due
to hate mail and death threats received from
disgruntled Dallas Cowboys fans everywhere.
Simpson has been allegedly dating Dallas
Cowboys’ quarterback, Tony Romo, for about
three months now. According to critics, Romo
has sucked since the two began dating.
Simpson first started acquiring enemies
after she appeared at the Dec. 16, Cowboys
vs. Eagles game wearing a pink Romo jersey.
Romo had the worst game of his career that
day.
Most of the death threats did not occur
until an anonymous Cowboys fan hired a
private investigator named Clouseau Holmes
to spy on the validity of the Romo-Simpson
relationship. Holmes accidentally stumbled
upon bank receipts which revealed a large
transaction between Simpson and New York
Giants head coach Tom Coughlin.
“I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw
the transaction receipt,” Holmes said. “What
is this world coming to when we can no longer
trust the morals of the sports world?”
Coughlin confessed to paying Simpson
to date and distract Romo from his game as
soon as the news of the bank transaction hit
the airways.
“I did what any coach would do to get
a shot at Super Bowl,” Coughlin said. “I
even tried to coerce Simpson to move on to
Tom Brady, but it appears as though she has
suddenly changed her name and moved.”
Soon after Coughlin’s confession, antiJessica blogs started filling up with threats
against Simpson’s life. Cowboys’ fans referred
to Simpson as a traitor to her hometown, a dirty
prostitute, and a team wrecker. Some angry
bloggers went as far as to place a substantial
bounty on Simpson’s head.
“I had to take those comments as serious,”
said Joe Simpson, Jessica’s father and manager.
“I didn’t leave the ministry to have something
happen to Jessica. She is my sexy little money
bag that I have to protect at all cost.”
Instead of using the bye week to practice
and study before the playoffs, Romo went on
an impromptu vacation to Los Cabos, Mexico
with Simpson. The following week the
Cowboys lost to the Giants, causing Simpson
to gain even more enemies.
No one will recognize Jessica Simpson in her
clever disguise.
Public dating becomes illegal
Continued from page 1
Students are not allowed to attend with a date,
but they can arrive in groups of three or more.
Fines for committing these crimes will range
from $50 to $250.
Many young Americans are outraged,
because they fear magazines, restaurants,
movie theaters, and clothing stores will be
affected by the new legislation. An employee
of Macy’s who calls herself “Marcy” does not
like this new bill.
“If there is no real reason to dress up
to attract attention, then why will people go
shopping?” she said. “I myself just bought a
cute pair of really nice jeans. They fit great
and would go so well with my favorite blue
shirt. But I was going to wear that outfit when
I went out with my boyfriend. Now what am I
supposed to do? Return them?”
DCCC students are split on this bill.
Computer science major Brendan Reilly, 22,
said “I guess I don’t really mind. I like being
single anyway, doing what I want; I like to
travel. That’s hard when you have a girlfriend
that always wants to come with you when
sometimes you want to be left alone.”
“This is crazy,” said Joe Melchiorre a
hospitality major. “ We can’t even go on a date
in public. If I had a girlfriend I would say no
way. I would stay with her anyway, even if I
did get fined. How can anyone except us all to
be sheep and follow a law like that? It’s bad
enough they don’t want me eating junk food
anymore, now I can’t go on a date even if I
could find a date. These rules are worse than
my mom’s.”
History professor Kelly Boyle from
the University of Pennsylvania sees some
similarities in history to this behavior.
“According to one myth of Valentine’s
Day, actually, an Emperor Claudius II outlawed
marriage for young men,” she said. “He
thought that if they were single they would
make better soldiers. I feel this undertone
for the new law as well. Hopefully, we can
have a Priest Valentine of our own to stop this
madness. It sure feels like madness.”
Boyle explains that the myth concludes
after Priest Valentine was caught marrying
young lovers in secret, he was jailed. No one
can be sure about his death, but it is believed
he martyred himself for his belief. Later he
became the most popular Saint in Europe
during the Middle Ages, Boyle added.
“I hope somebody does something about
this,” said Melchiorre. “I don’t want to be the
one to martyr myself. I’m not even sure what
martyr means.”
Contact Tina Griffith
at [email protected]
Cafeteria serves up mystery meat
George
Dubya Bush
voted best
president
EVER!
Photo courtesy of blogs.zdnet.com
By Shanna Manning
mouthful of strange long hair and fingernails,”
said Lance Trooper, a 20-year-old art history
major. “A DCCC security guard saw me spit
out the clumps of hair. He asked me for my
name and birthday, and the next day I received
a voucher for the bookstore.”
People for the Ethical Treatment of
Animals officials have said it is unethical and
unhealthy to serve exotic endangered animals
to unsuspecting college students. The cafeteria
food was immediately confiscated for further
investigation.
A study conducted by What-r-u-eating
Inc, a food research lab, concluded that the
hamburgers contained cat, muskrat, aye-aye,
and traces of endangered and extinct species.
The hotdogs are composed of sliced up sloth
tails, and the taco meat is composed of a mishmosh of small game meat most likely squirrels
and rabbits hit by cars, lab reports say.
DCCC officials have promised to look
into the matter.
“What do you want me to say?” said Don
Livingston, CEO of Cheap Meat, Inc. “Finding
healthy lean meat can be really difficult. My
business is called Cheap Meat; what are you
expecting, filet mignon?”
Cheap Meat, Inc. is currently under
Photo courtesy of www.crazymeezer.com.au
Continued from page 1
Cats + microwave = delicious.
investigation as to how they were able to
acquire extinct and endangered animals for
food consumption.
Now other schools that have purchased
meat from Cheap Meat,
Inc. are sending their
food off to be tested.
DCCC students have
mixed feelings about the
newfound ingredients in
the cafeteria food.
Some think that it is
cool and “Europeanish”
to expand their palate.
Others do not mind the
ingredients because they
liked the food prior to the
lab findings. Others are
appalled and disgusted
by the findings.
“It is horrible that
the cafeteria is trying to
serve us mystery meat
burgers,” Summers said.
“We are in college, not
on ‘Fear Factor’.”
Contact
Shanna Manning
at [email protected]
Bush can hold his breath longer
than you can.
To celebrate his achievement, here are a
few of his most infamous speeches:
“I know how hard it is for you to put food
on your family.”
“Families is where our nation finds hope,
where wings take dream.”
“I know the human being and fish can
coexist peacefully.”
“There’s an old saying in Tennessee — I
know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee
— that says, fool me once, shame on
— shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get
fooled again.”
- All quotes courtesy of politicalhumor.
about.com
Reporting by Lisa Foreman and Lia
Andrews
Page 3
Uggs are sooo last month!
Everyone knows what Uggs are. They’re
the choice footwear of females from age 12 to
36. Or what I like to call “mukluks.”
If you’re walking around campus or the
mall or even sitting in church, you’ll probably
get a glimpse of a young woman wearing
these infamous boots. The uniform is simple:
A hoodie and gray sweatpants tucked neatly
inside their Uggs.
Are Uggs worn only in the winter?
Apparently not. These old standbys, developed
by the Native Americans centuries ago, can be
worn during spring, summer or even fall! Go
to the beach on a hot sunny day, and you just
may see a teenage girl wearing her bulky Uggs
on the hot sand so her feet won’t burn.
But just when you thought footwear
could not get more silly, a new shoe came on
the market.
Snowshoes.
You’ve heard of snowshoes. They’re the
shoes shaped like giant tennis racquets that
Inuit wear to track through snowstorms.
Not ringing a bell? Well, just walk around
your local supermarket or right on campus,
and you’ll see what I’m taking about.
Just the other day I was waiting in the
checkout line at a local store, and right in
front of me stood a young woman of about
18 wearing bright pink snowshoes. The loud
clickity-clack noise she made as she walked off
carrying her energy drinks and cheese flavored
snacks was a bit distracting, I’ll admit.
But she was all smiles as another female,
around the same age, waltzed by wearing
the same snowshoes, except hers were
yellow to match her sweat suit. The women
acknowledged each other and commented on
how “cute” each other’s snowshoes were, and
then went on their own way.
I wanted to know why snowshoes had
become so popular, so I asked 20-year-old
Aubrie Lynn, a liberal arts major at DCCC.
“Everyone’s wearing them now,” she said.
“Nobody’s wearing stupid Uggs anymore!”
A 19-year-old female who prefers to be
known only as “Tiffany P,” gave this insightful
response: “They’re not as comfortable as my
Uggs were, but everyone’s wearing them.
Plus, I really like tennis!”
One young woman, who asked to remain
anonymous, complained, “I really liked my
Uggs, but I was tormented in the parking lot
for not wearing snowshoes. I really don’t want
to come to school and get ridiculed for not
being fashionable.”
My concern is that females are wearing
snowshoes during all kinds of weather when
common sense dictates that snowshoes should
be used for trekking through snow. They’re
especially not useful for driving or walking on
surfaces that are paved and often free of snow,
even in the winter.
Photo courtesy of bondsbikes.ca
By Stephen Gavis
Bud Satchel’s snowshoes are both functional and fabulous.
I asked Xena Johanson, 21, who seemed
to be making a statement at my dentist’s office,
what she thought of snowshoes. “They’re the
IN thing right now,” she said. “Plus, I like
to be daring. That’s why I bought them in
magenta!”
But I wondered, are snowshoes just a
fad? Are they really the new Uggs?
“[Snowshoes are]
not as comfortable
as my Uggs were, but
everyone’s wearing
them.”
After all, we haven’t had heavy snow
since last winter, but already women are
jumping on the Inuit bandwagon in hopes of
outshining each other with different colors and
styles of their snowshoes.
I asked the same handful of females if
they plan to wear their snowshoes in the event
of a snowstorm, and the general consensus
was a big NO!
“I’m not going to ruin my perfectly good
snowshoes!” Lynn said. “I don’t even like
snow!”
“I would put on my Uggs before I walk
around in the snow with my snowshoes!”
Johnson declared.
Conventional wisdom says that fashion
trends come and go, but what’s next? Soccer
cleats paired with evening wear? Goulashes
in the summer time?
If you don’t believe me, consider this: The
other day I noticed a young woman wearing
fishing waders while walking her dog.
And I am certain she was not going
fishing.
Contact Stephen Gavis
at [email protected]
L.Ron Hubbard back from
the dead!
At a recent press conference held at
Scientology headquarters in Clearwater,
Fla., outspoken supporter of the Church of
Scientology Tom Cruise said that the spirit
or “thetan” of Lafayette Ronald Hubbard had
indeed returned.
Hubbard is best known for writing the
theories of Dianetics on which the Church of
Scientology is based. Dianetics uses the term
“thetan” to describe spirits of dead aliens
inhabiting earthly bodies.
Hubbard’s thetan, said Cruise, was
apparently trapped in a trophy shaped like a
magic lamp Cruise had received in high school
for being the school’s most “magical” student.
Cruise, wearing a bright orange suede
jumpsuit and oversized foam cowboy hat
emblazoned with the slogan “Scientology’s #1
fan!” told reporters: “I have a good relationship
with Ron. I talk to him through a tiny hole at
the tip of the trophy. Ron gives me advice on
my marriage and thinks up kooky new things
for us to do on our yacht trips with the other
Operating Thetans who are above level 10 and
have earned yacht privileges.”
The levels of “Operating Thetans,” which
extend all the way to 55, refer to a ranking
system within the church. Each level costs
more than the previous to get to and
involves more complicated “auditing”
techniques to progress through the
ranks. Auditing is a form of regression
therapy that involves holding an “emeter” in one’s hands, clicking one’s
shoes together a certain number of
times, and playing a harmonica -- all
while standing on one’s head.
Cruise refused to let the reporters
speak with Hubbard’s spirit directly
on the grounds that only high ranking
officials within the church were
allowed this special privilege.
However, Cruise agreed to relay
one question, asked by Richard Bogey
of the New York Times.
Speaking to Hubbard’s thetan
through a tin can attached to a string
Cruise had brought with him, he
explained the thetan would be forced
to answer this question honestly due
to the inability of a thetan to tell a lie
while in its pure form.
Bogey’s question was: “Since
your religion states that you should
L. Ron Hubbard strikes quite a dashing pose.
be able to transcend matter, energy,
space, and time, why -- of all things to
than a minute later, a squeaky voice responded:
come back as -- did you choose a trophy?”
“Because I lied in my earthly form. The only
Cruise relayed the question, and, in less
things I can really transcend are trophies and
Photo courtesy of www.able.org
By Eric van den Terrell
the minds of the people who would actually
pay to hear my teachings on science fiction
books I wrote under the title of Dianetics.”
As the last words reverberated through
the tin can, the entire conference exploded in
an uproar. Scientologists who had spent years
of their lives and countless dollars rushed the
podium screaming for blood.
Cruise jumped off the stage to avoid
being hit with plastic scientology crosses that
had been given out before the conference as a
promotion.
With reporters hot on his tail, Cruise leapt
into his pink Delorean which immediately
began to flap its gull wing doors.
The car took flight only to collide with
a passing jumbo jet seconds later. Reporters,
diving left and right to narrowly avoid being
hit by falling debris, heard Cruise shriek,
“I NEVER RETURNED THAT LIBRARY
BOOK!”
Contact Eric van den Terrell
at [email protected]
“Arcadia
accepted all of our credits.”
“Arcadia made it easy to transfer–and made sure we had the courses to apply for assured
admission to the Physical Therapy program.” Ashley Eisennagel (left)
“We went on Italy Preview! For $550 we got airfare, hotel accommodations, and 2 credits, too!
We learned so much and had a great time.” Jennifer Eisennagel (right)
photo courtesy: Jessica Alderman
Are You Ready
to Transfer?
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Attend Arcadia’s
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page 5
EDITORIAL
Whining is for losers
By Joe Smith
I can almost hear it: the gears turning
furiously in the heads of those that already
hate this article solely from its headline. Some
of those people will be moved enough to write
scathing e-mails that I will mock and hang on
my refrigerator. I mock not because I care, but
because those people, like so many others,
have resorted to lowest of all human activities:
whining.
Whining is a scourge that threatens to
shatter everything that is positive about the
human character. Whether it is called whining,
crying, complaining, bitching or moaning, the
fact is that it has never solved anything. Some
clever people will try to church it up by giving
it fancy names such as conflict resolution,
free discussion of problems, open dialogue
between individuals, or peaceful resolution
of conflict. The bottom line is that none of
these “solutions” has ever solved anything,
anywhere, at any time.
Whining is not confined to individuals.
Webster’s defines “diplomacy” as “the
organized and fruitless process of systematic
whining between two or more nations.” This is
the reason for the current conflict in Iraq.
The leaders of this country knew that a
peaceful and diplomatic solution could not be
reached, so they used military might to solve a
problem that may or may not exist. They were
smart enough to see that a bunch of guys in
suits sitting around a table has never done any
good, so they went straight to the 5.56 caliber
punchline. See, your government really does
know more than you.
Organized whining takes place on a
national level as well; you know it better as
national elections. Every time you cast a vote,
all you are doing in participating in controlled
complaining.
The problem is not enough people even
care to travel to a polling place to whine,
opting instead to do it from the comfort of
their couch watching television. In fact, more
people complained…I mean voted, for the
final round of American Idol than the last
presidential election. (There are many things
that we made up for this issue of the paper.
This, sadly, is not one of them – ed.) This is
more proof that organized whining will never
lead to change, for better or worse.
If you take anything from this, let it be
that force is the only way to solve problems.
Think of it as the Travis Bickle method of
conflict resolution. Instead of sitting around
crying into a bowl of cereal, stand up and take
action.
Remember: true force always takes care
of everything. If there is one exception then it’s
when it comes to force against me, personally.
That’s just not cool.
Contact Joe Smith at
[email protected]
The opinions expressed on the editorial and the op-ed pages very much reflect those of The Communitarian staff or college. We do not welcome your comments on any matter relating to Delaware County Community
College,so responsible rebuttal is probably a waste of your time. If you must, write to [email protected]. Please write “letter to editor” in the subject box.
DCCC professor arrested for tree hugging
By Lisa Foreman
Professor Denise Frogman was arrested
late last night for her connection to an ecoterrorist group known as “Excellent, Articulate,
and Respectable Tree Huggers Fighting Odious
Lazy Losers Against Waging Erroneous Risks”
or “E.A.R.T.H.F.O.L.L.A.W.E.R. ” for short.
Frogman is suspected of being
a
ringleader in the group and is thought to be
responsible for at least 112 of the unsolved
tree-hugging mysteries.
Tree-hugging has been a rampant problem
across the country, especially in our local area.
Thousands of trees have been victimized by it,
and there seems to be no end in sight.
“We will capture these people, each and
every one of them,” said Chief of Police Dan
Walkman. “This type of thing is not going to
keep happening in my town. Frogman is just
the first of many.”
E.A.R.T.H.F.O.L.L.A.W.E.R is listed as
the number 1,987,970,098 most dangerous
terrorist group in the country, according to
the Bush administration. Their mission is to
ensure that “every tree gets a little bit of love
before the wood hungry chainsaws rip them to
shreds.” They attempt to fulfill their mission
by traveling all over the world and hugging
every single tree they come across.
The group is standing behind Frogman,
who has been released on bail.
The tree-hugging seems to occur mostly
at night and Frogman is the first suspect to ever
be taken into custody. Police claim to have
in evidence a surveillance video capturing
Frogman in the tree hugging act. The video
has not yet been released.
Frogman released a general statement
stating her innocence. “Anything I have
ever done was only for the rights of trees
everywhere,” said Frogman.
“These people are committing a crime,”
said Senator Louise Spitwitz. “There is no
room for this type of .... bestiality in our
country. They need to go get their own country.
There is no tree-hugging in the Bible and there
is not going to be any in America, either!”
District Attorney Brandy Satchel stated
that Frogman will be charged with trespassing
until they can figure out the exact charges to
be filed.
Frogman has taught automobile mechanics
at DCCC for the past two years. According
to student Matthew Fox, she seemed a little
“aloof” but was generally well liked.
“I just never thought she was capable
of something like this,” said another student,
Lindy Lindson. “ You just never know, I guess.
I will never be able to think of my teachers the
same. I thought I was safe, but I guess they are
everywhere.”
A petition with over five signatures was
presented to the school board, demanding
Frogman be terminated.
The administration refused to comment.
“We are not the vicious people they try to
make us,” said E.A.R.T.H.F.O.L.L.A.W.E.R
president Jacquez Tonto. “We just have so
much love and you people are trying to make it
into a bad thing. We have done nothing wrong.
‘All you need is love’ does not merely apply
Cloning is F-U-N!
Sexy lingerie, red candies, flower
bouquets, watches and silk underwear are
what Valentine’s Day is famous for. But for
some celebrity couples, it’s also a time to get
rid of their overweight, deceiving, and backstabbing spouses for a new one.
In that situation, there’s
only one place, day and man for
the job: cloning specialist John
Johnson.
On Feb. 14 every year,
John Johnson’s Double-Mint
Twins Center is opened to clone
spouses.
“Some scientists want to
clone animals or organs for
transplants; not me,” Johnson
said. “I have a specific goal and
it is to change relationships. I
clone for a noble cause.”
Spousal cloning is in high
demand for couples across the
United States. President George
W. Bush had first dibs.
Contrary
In 2001 human cloning
was made a federal crime by
Congress. After Johnson cloned Bush’s unruly
wife, Laura, 535 congresspersons granted
Johnson the legal right to open and operate his
own cloning center.
Everything was done under the agreement
that President Bush will be cloned every
Valentine’s Day. On that day Bush goes on a
rendezvous with his secret lover to an exotic
island, Johnson said.
He was paid $300 million for the job and
receives $2,600 from the president each year.
Celebrities value Johnson’s services. He has
changed spouses for celebrity couples such
as Asthon Kutcher and Demi Moore, Seal and
Heidi Klum, and Will Smith and Jada PinkettSmith.
“Celebrities visit me for numerous
reasons,” Johnson said. “Beyonce Knowles
Photo courtesy of www.chinadaily.com.cn
By Tanya Douglas
to popular belief, Jay-Z does not look
like Dave Chappelle.
came to the office and said Jay-Z was taking
advantage of her naivete; he would lie to her
about retiring from recording music. She
explained that she saw that he was above her
on the billboards and wanted to get rid of him.
She now has a more powerless and trustworthy
Jay-Z.” “I am the people’s champ; forget The
Rock. I save relationships,” Johnson added.
“Relationships are getting nowhere these days.
Take Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston,
for example; if they would have come to me
for help I could have saved their marriage by
cloning both of them into sober individuals!”
Marc Anthony wrote a letter to Johnson
stating his disappointment with J-Lo due to her
planet sized tush. “Marc Anthony took blood
from J-lo’s doctor and I cloned her,” Johnson
said with a smile. “Marc now has a beautiful
baby girl with his brand new wife. Isn’t that
wonderful?” During the interview, Johnson was
interrupted when he received a phone call
from Nick Lachey. “Nick needs a new wife,”
Johnson said, and then put Lachey on speaker
phone.
“My dumb-blonde wife, Jessica Simpson,
can’t keep her panties up,” Lachey said. “I
confronted her and she spat in my face; I now
have her saliva and I’m taking the next flight
to Pennsylvania to have her cloned.”
Johnson was ecstatic. “Celebrity number
20. My popularity is growing;” he said. “Mo’
money, mo’ money for me!”
Johnson is proud of his accomplishments.
“I love cloning people,” he exclaimed. “Gavin
Rossdale is due here in five hours with DNA
from Gwen Stefani’s panties; he said she
gained 400 pounds since she birthed their
child, and he can’t take it anymore.”
Contact Tanya Douglas
at [email protected]
to mammals. People need to open their minds
to reality.”
E.A.R.T.H.F.O.L.L.A.W.E.R is also
suspected of being involved in a vicious frog
kissing scheme.
Contact Lisa Foreman at
[email protected]
The Communitarian is produced by
both current and former students of
Fundamentals of Journalism II in collaboration with Campus Life. Students
who would like to write for the campus
newspaper and have already completed
Fundamentals of Journalism I should
register for Fundamentals of Journalism II (ENG 131). Students who have
completed both classes are welcome
back to join the senior staff. For more
information, see Bonnie McMeans in
Room 4311, call 610-359-5271, or send
an e-mail to [email protected] or
[email protected].
Joe Smith
Your Hero
Lisa Foreman
Tree Hugging Hippie
Shanna Manning
Banana Cabana
Lia Andrewz
Up in dis piece, yo
Aleksandra Scierska
Master and Commander
of Graphic Arts Forever
The Rabble
Tanya Douglas
Stephen Gavis
Tina Griffith
Isaac Unson
Eric van den Terrill
Patrick Viesti
Julianne Walsh
Students finish the fight,
receive no benefits
By Isaac Unson
In a stunning announcement last week,
the United States Department of Veteran’s
Affairs (VA) said that veterans of the HumanCovenant War would not be receiving veterans’
benefits of any sort for their involvement in the
the conflict.
The VA added that while veterans of
“The Fight” should be commended for their
contributions in defending the human race’s
survival, the VA admits that it is not ready for
them. “On the other hand, we just don’t have
the type of funding, let alone the technology,
to deal with the short- and long-term injuries
that some of these soldiers have incurred,”
said James B. Peake, Secretary of Veterans’
Affairs. Peake made the announcement at the
White House on Monday.
Veterans of the Human-Covenant War
responded quickly to this announcement,
launching a grass-roots information campaign
via message boards all over the internet.
“The truth of the matter is, for as long as the
VA continues to classify us as undeserving
of even a simple, financial ‘thank you’ from
the government, we will continue to refer to
the VA and all of its employees as a bunch of
‘noob campers’,” said a post on the Web site
FinishTheBenefits.com.
The Web site launched the day after the
VA made its announcement. “Noob campers”
is a term used by veterans of The Fight to
describe a particularly underhanded tactic
used by enemy forces.
Local veterans like DCCC student Joe
Krueger [not his real name] were dismayed
with the VA’s decision. “Despite several dozen
hours of involvement in the single player
campaign and countless hours of Team Slayer,
veterans of The Fight have gone unrecognized
for their service in the defense of humanity,”
Krueger said in a conversation via XBL, a
network frequently used by veterans of The
Fight.
Krueger says he has not been the same
since then and suffers from sleep deprivation.
On the nights that he is able to sleep, however,
Krueger says he relives the battle once more.
”When I go to sleep at night I can still see the
HUD [heads-up display] flashing at me. I can
still ‘see’ my vision turning red and arcs of
Oops! Britney
didn’t die
By Julianne Walsh
plasma crisscrossing my field of vision as I try
other marketable skills other than defending
to seek cover so my shield can regenerate,” he
humanity from alien races that seek to wipe
said.
it out,” said DiscoDan [not his real name],
Other veterans of The Fight complain
another student-veteran at DCCC.
of sore joints and tenderness in the pads
A private security company known only
of the fingers, especially in the thumb and
as MLG has reached out to veterans of The
index fingers. This is commonly attributed to
Fight, offering large salaries for veterans who
repeatedly pulling the trigger on their weapon
signed up to travel to high-risk locations and
over long amounts of time without any rest.
provide security for VIPs.
Aside from the physical damage caused
This development has caused a small
by this “evolved” form of
combat, psychologists are
reporting that they have
observed
psychological
damage due to prolonged
exposure to combat.
Currently, they are
calling this PTSSS, or
Post-Team Slayer Stress
Syndrome. Psychologists
who have studied the
disorder say it is triggered
by verbal abuse received
by the veterans while out
in the battlefield.
“A lot of the time,
the abuse is heaped
on by friendly forces
colorfully expressing their
The war against the Covenant may be over, but the
dissatisfaction at a soldier’s
battle for veteran’s benefits has just begun.
actions in The Fight,” said
Dr. Charles Bury, a professor of Psychology at
controversy among veterans’ groups, who
Johns Hopkins University in Maryland.
claim that the MLG is trying to put together
Bury is part of a program at the university
a private army. “I cannot believe that some
that has offered counseling to veterans while
of my comrades would do such a thing,” said
the VA decision was still unknown. “What’s
John One-Seventeen, a famous veteran of the
unfortunate about PTSSS is that it is so
war, ”When I fought in this war, I saw myself
destructive and rampant,” added Dr. Bury,
as a hand reaching out to pull humanity from
“because we have not yet found the correct
the brink, not a hand reaching out for a large
method of treating it, PTSSS sufferers are
paycheck.”
forced to externalize their pain and verbally
Despite
One-Seventeen’s
remarks,
abuse other people around them, themselves.”
veterans like Krueger have expressed interest
Aside from coping with their injuries,
in joining up with MLG. “I respect Mr. Onethese soldiers who had answered the rallying
Seventeen; he saved our collective butts on
call of “Finish The Fight” now find themselves
several occasions out there,” Krueger says,
having difficulty finding gainful employment
“but on the other hand, I need the money, and
in civilian life. Many are frustrated that most
it might put me in touch with some old friends
companies, despite listing their achievements
I thought I’d lost.”
in detail on resumes, do not hire them.
“For as long as I can remember, I’ve
Contact Issac Unson
been fighting against the Covenant, and
it’s all I know how to do. I don’t have any
at [email protected]
Photo courtesy of www.connectedinternet.co.uk
page 6
By Lisa Foreman
The third floor bathrooms were closed for
rennovations at the beginning of last semester.
According to DCCC, it was simply for
“remodeling.” However, sources have come
forward to state that this is not the story.
The bathrooms were in fact closed due to
an infestation of sea urchins.
The story begins about three weeks ago.
Biology major Chris Stevens (name has been
changed) had just started his job as a laboratory
assistant. What he discovered on that day is a
tale of horror.
“I was opening up these boxes,” Stevens
said, “ and the one just seemed different. When
I looked inside, it was just horrifying. All these
little sea urchins, as cute as buttons, just lying
in this.... slosh... and most of them.... well most
of them weren’t even alive!”
Stevens could not understand who would
do such a thing. Sea urchins are known for
their friendly nature.
“I just flashed back to when I was
younger,” said Stevens. “I used to have a pet
sea urchin, his name was Urchin. And well....
he died. How was I to know that they couldn’t
live in the freezer?!”
Once Stevens got out of the fetal position
and stopped sobbing, he decided that he had to
do something to save the rest of the sea urchins.
He knew that they needed a new home, one
where no one would ever find them.
“It just came to me,” Stevens said. “What
could be safer than the bathrooms?”
Stevens waited until everything was quiet
at DCCC. It was the lull between the daytime
and the nighttime classes, and he knew that
was his best chance. With cunning, mission
impossible like moves, he eased his way down
the hall, barely missing a security guard.
As soon as he reached the bathroom,
he dove into action. He quickly moved the
urchins into the tank on the back of the toilet.
He planned on coming back every day to walk
them and feed them. He knew they would be
safe.
But things did not go as planned. Stevens
became ill and wasn’t able to come back for
a week.
By the time he returned, there was nothing
he could do.
Sea Urchins had infested the bathrooms.
Appartently, the sea urchins had been
ordered during a time when they would be
releasing their egg and sperm cells. The saltlike water and close environments within the
bathrooms allowed the sea urchins to breed in
copious amounts.
“They were everywhere!” said Lauren
Saysae, who was one of the first to discover
them. “They were on the walls, the ceilings,
and everywhere! I barely got out alive!”
The school quickly shut down the
bathrooms in hopes of keeping things mum.
If word got out about the mistreatment of
the sea urchins, the school would be forced to
use better practices.
“We just didn’t want any damn hippies
pleading to save those little buggers!” said a
head DCCC laboratory technician.
A DCCC science teacher claimed that
the school was not at fault, rather the shipping
company did not package them right.
The rennovations left hundreds of sea
urchins dead, and many more wounded.
Stevens has been forced back into therapy as
a result.
Photo courtesy of www.smbaykeeper.org
Sea urchins invade bathrooms
Unlike its cousin, the killer koosh ball of
death, the sea urchin is quite friendly.
“I already had Post Traumatic Stress
Disorder,” said Stevens. “Supposedly from
when urchin died. That is why I did what I did.
But now, I just... I don’t know how I will ever
get over this. They were all so innocent!” The school spent over $1,000 rennovating
the bathrooms, and officially deny the existence
of the sea urchins.
Students seem thrilled with the new
bathroom, and seem to care little about the sea
urchins.
“Sea urchins? Are they like those cute
little horse things?” asked Bobby Bobb
The People for the Ethical Treatment
of Sea Urchins (or PETSU for short) have
launched a campaign against the school and
will be protesting every Wednesday.
Contact Lisa Foreman
at [email protected]
In the rush to break the news of the tragic
death of actor Heath Ledger on Jan. 22, a
prominent wire service mistakenly released
Britney Spears’ obituary instead of Ledger’s.
The misprint hit the stands and Web
sites of news agencies before the mix-up was
discovered, prompting readers to wonder,
“When was Heath Ledger ever ‘infamous for
his skimpy onstage outfits that were often little
more than a bra and panties?’”
“We apologize profusely for this
grievous mistake and are currently doing a
thorough investigation into how this could
have possibly occurred,” said an Associated
Press spokesman after the error came to light.
“Our deepest sympathy is with the Ledger
family.”
The first tip-off of a mistake in the
obiturary was its reference to Ledger as
“a mother of two.” However, more absurd
inaccuracies riddled the article, including a
description of Ledger as a “blonde bombshell”
and a reference to his “controversial personal
life and public behavior.”
Ledger’s family and friends were
outraged.
“I don’t think whether he or Britney wore
underwear is really anyone’s business,” said
Michelle Williams, Ledger’s girlfriend of six
years. “And Heath’s behavior could hardly be
called the ‘wild partying and reckless mishaps
of a fallen pop princess’ even if his wardrobe
as the Joker in the upcoming Batman film was
questionable.”
Spears held a press conference shortly
after the Associated Press’ mistake to reassure
her fans that she was indeed still alive. After
releasing a statement to the Ledger family
expressing her sympathy for their tragic loss,
she criticized the Associate Press.
“They like had no scruples and were over
eager,” she said. “It was like very precipitate
on their part to like pre-write an obituary for
someone who is like not even 30.”
Later, reporters attending the conference
expressed surprise that Spears knew what
“precipitate” meant and how to use it in that
context. However, the media was vindicated
from Spears’ comments when she got into a
fender bender almost immediately following
the press conference.
Ledger’s family is seeking legal redress,
but litigation experts believe the suit is likely
to be settled out of court.
In a further attempt to pacify a public
extremely agitated by the controversy,
an Associated Press spokesman said, “In
retrospect, the term ‘blonde bombshell’ seems
misapplied in either context.”
Contact Julianne Walsh
at [email protected]
Who’s holding the
monkey now?
By Kyle Hendrickson
Yesterday, in an exclusive interview with
The Communist, actor and newly appointed
White House Press Secretary Morgan Freeman
announced a plan that will do away with the
United States democratic election process.
According to an anonymous source,
Freeman’s appointment as press secretary was
unopposed because White House officials said,
“Hey, anyone who can play the voice of God is
good enough for us.”
At the beginning of the interview,
Freeman announced the formation of a
committee whose purpose will be to overhaul
the process by which Americans choose their
president. The committee, which has decided
to call itself ACSATOP, or American Citizens
Sick and Tired of Politicians, has been meeting
in secret for some time now, Freeman said.
The committee consists of comedian and
actor Lewis Black, Danny Bonaduce, retired
baseball star Darren Daulton, and a lumberjack
named Chet.
“This committee has been chosen based
upon having no affiliation with past politics, or
any lobbyist organizations,” Freeman declared.
“Some citizens, especially politicians, may
find these members laughable. But it has been
Continued on page 7
Who’s holding the
monkey now?
Continued from page 6
my understanding that the American public
has found its leaders in office laughable for
some time now.”
Freeman then explained the plan: “On
the first day of April every year, a blindfolded
person with vertigo will throw a dart at a large
map of the United States. Then, later on that
very afternoon, a monkey named Jingles will
be placed in a hot air balloon at the site where
the dart struck the map.
That balloon will be cast off in no
particular direction, from which Jingles will
navigate himself to a town of his choosing.
Once he lands, he will wander the town
unattended until such time when he high fives
an adult. This particular adult will then be
appointed president for the following year.”
Upon hearing of the plan, presidential
nominee hopefuls expressed outrage and
disgust.
“This is ridiculous!” said Senator Hilary
Clinton. “This plan is a far fetched tactic
adopted by a newly formed organization that
has no merit. We cannot leave decisions of
this importance to the uneducated, common
people. It seems as if ACSATOP believes that
the job of president could actually be done by
a monkey!”
In response, Black, who has been given
credit for spearheading the plan, said: “Only
time will tell if this process will truly be
successful. But at least it’s a step in a new
direction, and, at this point, the country cannot
do much worse than the baboon that is already
in office.”
Contact Kyle Hendrickson
at [email protected]
Contrary to popular belief, Jay-Z does
not look like Dave Chappelle.
money and that way I can eat whatever I want
to. Isn’t that what they’re doing that they are
complaining about? I think its better that way,
myself”
Ferrignoe offered to pay extra on his
student tuition to cover the Martian diet.
Other Greenies have so far made the college
the same offer.
Throughout this debate there have been
quite a few questions about exactly what foods
the Greenies would like to introduce to the
menu. According to Ferrignoe, cow tongue
and prune juice would be a nice start.
“If we could start with just two items,
one to eat and one to drink, I would be much
appreciative” Ferrignoe said. “Maybe next
we could bring in anchovies. Cabbage would
be a last resort. I understand if the human
population would not want to smell the
cabbage throughout the building.”
“We are still trying to come up with an
agreement,” said a DCCC official who prefers
to remain anonymous.
Contact Tina Griffith
at [email protected]
By Patrick Viesti
CHICAGO, IL-When viewers tuned in for
Oprah Winfrey’s Valentine’s Day special, they
saw more than the usual showering of bath and
body products, top of the line cookware, and
gourmet chocolates. Instead, Winfrey stunned
the audience when she announced her decision
to marry long time love interest Stedman
Graham if Barack Obama should win the 2008
presidential election.
“If Obama wins the presidential election
later this year, Steadman and I will be wed on
Jan. 20, 2009 on St. Croix in the Caribbean,”
Winfrey told her studio audience. This is the
same day Obama would be sworn into office.
“I never thought I would hear this in all
my years watching Oprah,” said Kathy Smith,
a mother of two from Pittsburg, Pa.
Mary Bravo, another audience member,
said, “I guess it’s about time she finally settled
down. Better late than never.”
Because of Winfrey’s support for
Democratic candidate Barack Obama, many
fans of her daily talk show have considered
voting for him, according to recent polls.
“I truly believe that [Winfrey] is the
reincarnation of the Virgin Mary,” said 73year-old turnip farmer Clarence Digger from
Humansville, Mo. “With her blessing to
support Obama for president, I know that he
will lead this blasphemous nation into a new
golden age.”
The wedding plans of Winfrey and
Graham have sent shock waves throughout
the Hollywood media industry. Rumors have
already surfaced about potential wedding
plans.
Some gossip columnists have speculated
the wedding reception will showcase massive
floats of famous African Americans, 100-foot
tall wedding cakes, thousands of gifts from
exotic caviar dishes to the newest 2008 Ferrari
models, 100-foot tall banners, ribbons, and
buttons reading “I Love Obama;” the Blue
Angels spelling out the words “Oprah and
Stedman Forever” overhead; the Reverend
Jesse Jackson performing the marriage
ceremony, and the U.S. Marine Corps band
playing Barry White’s “Can’t Get Enough of
Your Love, Babe.”
Hillary Clinton’s campaign organizers
said she was taken aback by Winfrey’s
announcement. “I will continue to campaign
for this presidency, even if my opponent may
have some support from one of the most
popular talk show hosts in television history,”
Will Oprah and Sted-muffin tie the
knot? More imporantly, do we care?
she said.
In anticipation of Obama’s victory,
Winfrey has already mentioned that a variety
of people will be invited to her wedding,
including her family and A-list celebrities Tom
Cruise, Angelina Jolie, Johnny Depp, Danny
DeVito, Robin Williams, Denzel Washington,
Morgan Freeman, Cuba Gooding Jr., Samuel
L. Jackson, Will Smith, and YouTube.com’s
Internet sensation Amber Lee “Obama Girl”
Ettinger.
Other invitees will be the entire student
body at Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy
for Girls in South Africa who will be flown in
with former South African president Nelson
Mandela.
All the festivities will be televised on
Oprah’s new television channel the Oprah
Winfrey Network.
“I personally can’t believe that she’s
going through with this,” said Winfrey’s close
friend Dr. Phil. “Obviously, she has some kind
of psychological problem where she wants to
garner attention for all the wrong reasons.”
When asked about the possibility of
Obama not winning the nomination for
president, Oprah responded, “If that should
arise, I guess we’ll have to wait another four
more years until the next election.”
However, Winfrey said she is confident
that Obama will come through to “make my
wedding a dream come true.”
Contact Patrick Viesti
at [email protected]
Radical group protests Valentine’s Day
By Shanna Manning
An anti-Valentines Day group said it is
planning an “outrageous protest” for tomorrow
to rain on the parade of lovebirds everywhere.
Single
People
Against
Couples
Everywhere has decided to protest outside
local flower, candy, lingerie, and Hallmark
stores.
“I do not appreciate all of this love being
flaunted everywhere,” said John Loveless, a
SPACE spokesperson. “There isn’t a holiday
for single people, so why should there be a
holiday for couples?”
SPACE consists of over 36 local chapters.
Each chapter has its own president and logo
such as a heart with Ebenezer Scrooge’s face
in it.
“Along with protesting outside of various
lovey dovey stores, we are planning on
getting a petition signed to make kissing in
public and other forms of PDA illegal,” said
Joan Coldheart, president of Media’s SPACE
chapter. “It’s just not right; nobody ever gives
us love-challenged people any sympathy.”
But not everyone involved in SPACE
is love challenged, members said. Some are
bitter love failures. Loveless was married for
12 hours before his wife filed for divorce. His
bitter hatred for his wife has allowed him to
quickly climb the corporate ladder of SPACE.
“Yeah, I tried love and love failed me,”
Loveless said. “I ended up hating love so bad
that I joined SPACE. I hate love so bad that I
use my air rifle to shoot singing birds outside
of my office window.”
Jumping onto this Valentine boycott is
also the CDC and the FDA.
“On Valentines Day, people seem to
give their significant others large amounts of
candy,” said FDA researcher Jimmy Nofatt.
“Complications such as obesity, diabetes,
and hyperactivity result from consuming too
much candy. Let’s stick with the food pyramid,
people!”
It has also been determined by the FDA
Photo courtesy of Lia Bo Bea
A group of Martians attending DCCC
Southeast Campus calling themselves the
Greenies are pushing for more appetizing
lunch menus in the cafeteria.
Because there are more than 200
members of the Greenies at the Main Campus,
activists believe changes should be made to
accomodate them. They acquired the name
Greenies because of the green Martian stone
bracelets they wear; otherwise it is hard to tell
them apart from human students.
Greenies President Louis Ferrignoe, an
education major, met with cafeteria staff and
other college employees recently to ask for
the change. He does not want the college to
discontinue any of their current selections,
but to add two or three more options for the
Martians.
“I’m not denying humans of anything,”
Ferrignoe said. “I love the people here. I just
want members of the Martian community to
have food available here instead of having to
bring their own from home every day.”
Key to a Martian diet are asteroid
anchovies, space cow tongues and galactic
cabbage. Mars prune juice is also a favorite of
the Greenies. Carbohydrates and most sugars
are not an option for any Martian diet, as they
cannot be digested.
Human students have had different
reactions to the Greenies’ demands. Lisa Orm,
a 20 year old Accounting major, is supporting
the Greenies all the way. She believes that all
students, no matter what ethnic background,
should get equal treatment.
“What is so different about the Greenies
anyway,” she asked. “They look just like
people, only they are from another planet. If
they want space cow tongues let them have
cow tongues.”
Graphic design major Ken Julius, 18,
believes that since these Martians are part of
the college community, they should be treated
no differently than any other students.
“If they are so much like us, then treat
them like the rest of us” Julius stated. “I always
bring something for myself to eat. It saves me
Photo courtesy of www.freerepublic.com
By Tina Griffith
If Obama wins, Oprah and
Stedman tie the knot
Photo courtesy of www.people.com
Martians pushing for
more lunch choices
page 7
Dave Chapelle looks like Jay-Z
that particularly on Valentines Day, woman
want to impress their significant other by
using an excess of makeup. Some horrifically
ugly women even turn to certain black market
makeup such as the infamous Hottieinatube.
This kind of makeup has not been approved by
the FDA, and could have adverse side effects
like excessive facial hair or bleeding from the
eyes health officials said.
“Our busiest time of the year is Valentine’s
Day,” said Dolores Neversick, director
of research for the CDC. “STD statistics
skyrocket, and the amount of antibiotics which
we have to approve is astronomical. In order
to get through Valentine’s month, I have to go
on anxiety medication as well as take several
different uppers to keep up with the pace.”
SPACE claims that Valentine’s Day
causes a lot of depression. People who are not
in love and need to go to the local drug store
or Value-Mart for toilet paper or other basic
items get bombarded with love paraphernalia.
“I see more patients than ever around
Valentines Day,” said Drew Headoctor, a
psychologist located in Media, Pa. “People get
very depressed around Valentines Day. People
who have not found love yet get depressed, as
do the girls with cheap boyfriends who break
up with their girlfriends to avoid having to
spend money on gifts. We refer to these guys
as gift dodgers.”
Studies have shown that gift dodgers
have the second highest rating of breakups on
Valentine’s Day because the pressure of having
to buy their girlfriend jewelry or expensive
roses that will die in a week is too much.
“I am a gift dodger,” said one gift dodger
who wishes to remain anonymous. “About
a month before Valentines Day, I start to get
horrible nightmares. Then, before I know it, I
black out and break up with my girlfriend. The
pressure is unbearable.”
“If there was no longer any Valentine’s
Day, people everywhere would be a lot happier
and healthier,” Loveless said. “Without
Valentine’s Day, people would be less stressed
and have a lower sugar level.”
Contact Shanna Manning
at [email protected]
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Monica Moran ’06, B.S. Information Systems, Albright College
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