Done with Darkness Done with Darkness

QuietWaters
C O M P A S S
May 2006, Volume 11, Number 1
Done with Darkness
“When I saw the tree,
I began to cry.”
Spiritual Formation:
Becoming More Like Jesus
Murder in the Parsonage
Quiet Waters Ministries
Celebrates Five Years of Service
R E N E W I N G
C H R I S T I A N
L E A D E R S
May 2006, Volume 11, Number 1
The Quiet Waters Compass is published
twice annually as a free, educational service
of Quiet Waters Ministries and the Bethesda
Foundation, Inc. a nonprofit organization.
Quiet Waters Ministries mission is to
renew, restore, and strengthen Christian
leaders and their families. Opinions
expressed in this publication are not
necessarily those of the Quiet Waters
Ministries, its personnel or trustees.
Material contained in this publication
is not intended as a substitute for the
professional assistance you can receive
from a pastor, counselor, or health care
provider. Requests for permission to
reprint articles should be directed to the
editor at the address below.
CONTENTS
4
8
12
Done with Darkness
by Ron Klok
Spiritual Formation:
Becoming More Like Jesus
by Elizabeth Walter
Murder in the Parsonage
by Fred Walz
This year Quiet Waters Ministries is celebrating five years of
service to Christian leaders. We celebrated with a large crowd,
a wonderful dinner, outstanding singing, a motivational
presentation by Jeff Van Kooten, and a stirring testimonial
by Dr. Dennis Gorton. If you were able to attend, I trust
you came away with a feeling of God’s presence. It was my
prayer that God looked down and got excited. If you
couldn’t join us please help us celebrate with your prayers.
Executive Director: Jim Schlottman
Director of Counseling and Consulting:
Dave Ragsdale
Director of Donor Care: Gene Meerdink
Administrative Assistant: Marge Rozendaal
Editor: Mary Ann Jeffreys
Cartoonist: Tim Walburg
Prayer Team:
Evie Schaafsma, Leader
Nancy Bierling
Gene Meerdink
Duane Sjaardema
Vi Sjaardema
Irma Zwart
Development Council:
Duane Van Why, Chair
Keith McDonald, M.D.
Ken Dengerink
Ed Schans
Graphic Designer: Steve Riecks
Board of Trustees:
Harold Seerveld, M. D., President
Keith McDonald, M.D., Vice President
Joe Gossack, Secretary/Treasurer
Jim Pasterkamp
Evie Schaafsma
Ed Schans
Duane Van Why
Vince Van Heukelem
Meindert Bosch, Emeritus
Earl Lammers, Emeritus
Finance and Investment Committee:
Joe Gossack, Secretary/Treasurer, Chair
Ray Pittman
Vince Fesmire
Gene De Kruif, Advisor
We welcome your contribution toward
the cost of this publication, as well as
your comments, questions, articles
and suggestions.
Write to:
The Quiet Waters Compass
9185 East Kenyon Avenue, Suite 150
Denver, CO 80237
Phone: (303) 639-9066
E-mail: [email protected]
Internet Web Page:
http://www.QWaters.org
© Copyright 2006
by the Bethesda Foundation, Inc.
All rights reserved.
2
Quiet Waters Compass • May 2006
Spiritual Formation:
Waiting for Your Soul to Catch Up
from the Director Jim Schlottman
In the deep jungles of
Africa, a traveler was
making a long trek. Coolies had been
engaged from a tribe to carry the loads.
The first day they marched rapidly
and went far. The traveler had high
hopes of a speedy journey. But the
second morning these jungle tribesmen
refused to move. For some strange
reason they just sat and rested. On
inquiry as to the reason for this strange
behavior, the traveler was informed
that they had gone too fast the first
day, and that they were now waiting
for their souls to catch up with their
bodies. (From the book, Springs in
the Valley by Mrs. Lettie Cowman)
Too many pastors, missionaries, and
other Christian leaders are not taking
enough time to wait for their souls to
catch up. Has your soul caught up
with your fast pace?
The spiritual strength of many pastors,
missionaries and other Christian
leaders is very low. How can they
preach with power without their souls
and the strength of God within? How
can they sustain a strong witness
without their souls and the strength
of God within?
In this issue of Compass we look at
Spiritual Formation. Pastor Ron Klok
tells of his spiritual journey, Elizabeth
Walter gives us an excellent understanding of spiritual formation, and
Fred Walz looks at a current event
that brings us face to face with what
may happen when our souls don’t
catch up.
As you read, you will learn what
Klok’s reaction was when he saw a
small leafless tree. How would you
react today to a similar experience
and what old shirt are you wearing?
He takes us through his journey to
a rewarding result. Is your journey
making you feel a loss that is like the
death of a close friend? I hope that
you will learn from Klok how to make
a successful journey.
Walter answers four frequently asked
questions about the nature of spiritual
formation. Is spiritual formation
possible? What is spiritual formation?
What does the Bible tell us about
spiritual formation? And, what can
I do to respond to the work of God
within me? She gives comprehensive
answers to each question and then
challenges us to take practical actions
in our own spiritual formation.
Walz calls us to action. The Renewal
C I R C L E
For information about becoming a
member of The Renewal Circle in
support of this ministry, please call
1-866-5-WATERS.
For additional information, contact
Quiet Waters Ministries in one of the
following ways:
Toll Free: 1-866-5-WATERS
Fax: 303-300-6773
E-mail: [email protected]
Website: www.QWaters.org
“He leads me beside quiet waters.”
Psalm 23:2
Internet Web Page: www.QWaters.org
Quiet Waters Compass • May 2006
3
Done with Darkness
by Ron Klok
I
t was some time during my sixth
year in ministry that a tree spoke
to me. I was making a one-day
retreat, and after I arrived and settled,
I approached my room’s only window
and asked God to show me something
for the day. What I saw was a small
tree—gray, stooped, and without
leaves. When I saw the tree, I began
to cry.
Allow me to lay out some context.
I have three old, brightly colored
T-shirts I have kept for a very long
time. The first is a torn and tattered
Chicago Black Hawks-style hockey
jersey dating to my teens. This shirt
symbolizes for me my qualities of
loyalty and faithfulness. The second
shirt is an orange and black broomball
jersey. I was wearing it once while
riding my bike when someone yelled
out to me, “pit bulls?” He was referring
to the shirt’s poor condition. This
second shirt symbolizes suffering, the
various pains I have experienced. The
third shirt is really a beach T-shirt
with a color mix of bright yellow,
orange, and red. This shirt looks like
fire and represents passion. I call it
my Holy Spirit shirt, and of the three,
I cherish this shirt the most, because
it is most me.
When I saw that barren tree and
began to cry, I knew at the very same
time the reason for my tears. I had
lost my fire. It was like something or
someone had unplugged me from a
power receptacle. There was simply
no energy inside of me. “My spirit
grows faint,” is how the psalmist put
it. I was completely depleted and had
no idea how I could recover.
4
For a man who had been so used
to having so much inner energy
and vitality, the loss I was feeling
was like the death of a close
friend. In fact, I had lost my very
self. I cried a lot during that time.
I felt lost, defeated, and like I had
completely failed.
After I stood at the window for a time,
I made my way to the library of the
retreat center where I was staying. I
knew the library held a book by Joyce
Rupp called Praying Our Goodbyes,
and I knew the book would help me.
Reading through Rupp’s list of prayers,
I found the one that was mine: the
Prayer of One Who Feels Lost. Joyce’s
prayer expressed everything I felt and
helped me to cry even more:
God of Exodus, I am off on an inner
road never traveled before. Deep
within, where only your eyes see,
there is so much mystery, grayness,
restlessness. I want so much to have
a sense of direction, to know where I
am and where I ought to be headed.
But the dark questions stay. You ask
me to be full of faith, to believe deep
within that you are my signpost, that
you are my wisdom and my guide,
and to trust in your presence. . .
But the winter of my spirit wears on.
The days pass by. I plod along like
boots too big on a small child. Only,
I do not marvel like the young one,
Quiet Waters Compass • May 2006
or pause to wonder at the beauty.
Instead, I just trudge and forge
ahead, no spark of love, no charge of
joy, no spiritual energy. Just a dead
walk through an aimless winter.
For a man who had been so used to
having so much inner energy and
vitality, the loss I was feeling was like
the death of a close friend. In fact,
I had lost my very self. I cried a lot
during that time. I felt lost, defeated,
and like I had completely failed. I came
across Richard Ford’s Independence Day,
a story about a former sportswriter
living in the “Existence Period” of his
life, a man who describes himself as
“lonely as a shipwreck.” I read Frederick
Buechner’s Speak What We Feel in
which he quotes Gerard Manley
Hopkins: “What is my wretched life”
Five wasted years. . . I’m ashamed of
the little I have done. . . All my undertakings miscarry. . . O my God, look
down on me.” I was drawn to these
stories of men who had failed or at
least felt they had failed. The reading
was therapeutic; I cried even more.
There were several factors that got
me to the bottom. There’s a famous
picture in one of the offices of Time
magazine of a cowboy, saying, “There
were a helluva lot of things they
didn’t tell me when I hired on with
this outfit.” This quotation reminds
me of Jeremiah saying to God, “You
deceived me, and I was deceived”
(20:7 NIV). Coming into ministry,
there was so much I didn’t know and
a lot I wasn’t told. Nothing had
prepared me for the man who left his
home in the early morning, walked
through the rain to a trestle bridge,
(Continued on page 6)
When I saw that barren tree and
began to cry, I knew at the very
same time the reason for my
tears. I had lost my fire. It was
like something or someone had
unplugged me from a power
receptacle. There was simply no
energy inside of me. “My spirit
grows faint,” is how the psalmist
put it. I was completely depleted
and had no idea how I could recover.
Quiet Waters Compass • May 2006
5
Done with Darkness (Continued from page 4)
and jumped to his suicide death;
nothing had prepared me for the
fallout of women-in-office decisions;
nothing had prepared me for the
personal attacks. It was a classic case
of idealism hitting reality.
I came to believe that through
Although I may not have been able
to articulate it at the time, I’m pretty
sure I fell prey to my own heroic and
linear thinking. At a certain level, I
believe I operated as if I were some
kind of hero who was going to fix the
church and turn it around and make
it “successful.” I had no clue as to my
own limitations and powerlessness,
and the complexities that exist in any
church community. I was naive. I also
operated at least to a certain degree
with the thinking that if I did A, B,
and C, then D, E, and F were sure to
follow. Ministry was like math. God
and people, like puppets. Bottom line:
I was operating as if it all depended
on me.
into God’s upraised hand. The
various events and circumstances
God himself had brought me down.
I picture me running full steam
Finally, there was the context to
which I came. As I think back, it
seems to me that our church was far
too anxious and impatient to make
changes. In a relatively short span of
time we made several course-altering
decisions involving women in office,
re-visioning, revamping worship, and
relocating. Of course, they were all
open invitations to conflict. I became
a target. Finally, when another leader
in the church, someone who had
walked beside me and supported me,
suddenly and without warning, made
it known that I was no longer good
enough, I hit bottom. Feeling betrayed
and discarded, my inner life came to
an end.
6
collision knocked the wind and
spirit clean out of me. I firmly
believe that God, through this
crash, was saying something like,
“OK, Ron, that’s enough; I’m going
to have to pull the plug here;
it’s either that or you’ll be dead
in two years.” So that’s what I
believe God did—he brought me
down. And then he saved me.
There were several choices I made
when I realized I was in trouble. I
decided that I would not leave the
church in the condition that I was in;
leaving was not going to be the answer
for me (even though many advised
this). I also made a conscious decision
not to blame the church. I knew that
in order to heal, I would have to move
beyond blame, take responsibility,
and focus on myself. Finally, I needed
to understand what was going on,
and I chose careful steps to diagnose
my condition.
Quiet Waters Compass • May 2006
I made an appointment with my
family doctor, and even though I
broke down in his office, he eliminated
clinical depression. I also went to
see a psychologist, but having some
experience with therapy, I sensed that
this was not the kind of healing I
needed. Instead, it was through my
visits with a spiritual director and my
experience of participating in a twoyear, part-time course called the
Formation for the Ministry of Spiritual
Direction that I came to conclude
that what I was experiencing was
something akin to Saint John of the
Cross’s “dark night of the soul.” I
don’t conclude this lightly nor mean
it in a populist sense—the dark night
as John meant it is not a synonym for
depression, misfortune, or hard times.1
I came to believe that through various
events and circumstances God himself
had brought me down. I picture me
running full steam into God’s upraised
hand. The collision knocked the wind
and spirit clean out of me. I firmly
believe that God, through this crash,
was saying something like, “OK, Ron,
that’s enough; I’m going to have to
pull the plug here; it’s either that or
you’ll be dead in two years.” So that’s
what I believe God did—he brought
me down. And then he saved me.
It has taken about four years for me
to fully recover, and there is only one
thing that has saved me: God’s succor.
Ever since I entered ministry, I have
made regular retreats, times away in
order to pray, rest, reflect, and meet
with a spiritual director. These retreats
of silence and solitude have varied in
length from one day to six, but what
I have consistently experienced is the
God we see in the Bible, a God who
makes visitations in the desert, usually
with some food. Self-reflection, prayer,
retreating, and meetings with a spiritual
director were also the focus of the
program I took (mentioned above),
and over the length of the course God
slowly nursed me back to health. That
course quite literally saved my soul.
The gifts of retreating are many:
The distinctive characteristic of this
path of healing—retreating, prayer,
and spiritual direction—is its vertical
orientation toward God and the sorting
out of one’s relationship to him.
When we go through disappointment,
disillusionment, defeat, and pain in
ministry, the depth dimension and
dynamic in all these experiences is
God related, and in order to heal we
must address these matters at that
deepest level. Spiritual direction, the
art of being attentive to the God
dynamic in another person, helps one
to notice God’s activity and articulate
one’s response to this activity (i.e.
prayer). Spiritual direction helps
us to uncover where we are in our
relationship to God, what needs to
be said, sorted out, and saved.
clearer and fresher. Prayer is
1
Silence gives clarity. Solitude
allows us to be fully present in
the presence of God. Time away
is the gift of sacred space. A
place away gives uncluttered
freedom. Scripture becomes
slower, deeper, richer, relaxed.
Most precious, of course, is the
presence of God himself. It is a
wonder how much health and
strength come by doing nothing,
but that is the essence of a retreat.
The gifts of retreating are many:
Silence gives clarity. Solitude allows
us to be fully present in the presence
of God. Time away is the gift of sacred
space. A place away gives uncluttered
freedom. Scripture becomes clearer
“The dark night is a profoundly good thing. It is an ongoing spiritual process
in which we are liberated from attachments and compulsions and empowered
to live and love more freely. Sometimes this letting go of old ways is painful,
occasionally even devastating. But this is not why the night is called “dark.”
The darkness of the night implies nothing sinister, only that the liberation
takes place in hidden ways, beneath our knowledge and understanding.”
Gerald G. May, The Dark Night of the Soul (New York: HarperCollins, 2004).
Quiet Waters Compass • May 2006
and fresher. Prayer is slower, deeper,
richer, relaxed. Most precious, of
course, is the presence of God himself.
It is a wonder how much health and
strength come by doing nothing, but
that is the essence of a retreat.
Today, as I write these words, I know
I am, in the words of Gerard Manley
Hopkins, “done with darkness.” My
energy has returned and I feel every
bit as passionate as I ever have. I feel
confident and mature, like a cowboy
who has participated in a few rodeos.
Yes, I still have personal demons to
battle most recently a bout of envy
and self-pity and there are the ongoing
demands of ministry, but I am much
more self-aware, much more relaxed,
much more competent to lead, much
more able to love, and much more “at
home” in a world, life, and ministry
full of contingencies, fragility, limitations, and mystery. My life, it seems,
is not going to be linear. When I first
saw that gray, stooped tree without
leaves, I cried. Now I see the potential
for new growth in new soil.
Recently, I took that old fire shirt out
of my bottom drawer and put it on.
It still fits. Ron Klok
Ron Klok is Pastor of Glad Tidings
CRC, Edmonton, AB and Director
of InterMission a 21/2 day silentdirected retreat.
7
Spiritual Formation
Becoming More Like Jesus
by Elizabeth Walter
H
ave you ever wondered why
many of the Christians you
know aren’t becoming more
like Jesus in their attitudes and actions?
Have you ever asked yourself this same
question? Or perhaps you expressed
it more as a longing: I’m doing all the
right things, but I feel little change on
the inside; isn’t there supposed to be
more? And so, as Christians, we go
through life knowing salvation and
yet having little hope for significant
personal transformation (being more
like Jesus) until we “get to heaven.”
J. I. Packer says it well: “The experiential reality of perceiving God is
unfamiliar territory today. . . The
concept of a Christian life as sanctified
rush and bustle still dominates, and
as a result the experiential side of
Christian holiness remains very much
a closed book.” Let’s look at four
frequently asked questions about the
nature of spiritual formation.
What Is Spiritual Formation?
Spiritual formation without regard to
any specific religious tradition or faith
is the process by which the human
being through the exercise of choice
is gaining a definite forming or what
we call character. It happens to us all.
The outcome of the process of spiritual
formation is the development of
character. True character in a person
is what he or she can easily be counted
on to do in a given situation. What is
present in a person’s inner being is
expressed in behavior.
8
Christian spiritual formation is the
redemptive process of allowing
our inner being or heart to be
being after the pattern of Jesus Christ
the Lord by the indwelling Spirit in
the body of Christ and the living out
of the Savior’s values in compassionate
service to others.?”
formed, so that, as Dallas Willard
states, we are able to “do easily
and naturally (from the heart)
the things that Jesus did.”
(see Galatians 4:19).
Often we begin to understand what a
concept is by stating what it is not.
So, Christian spiritual formation is
not taking old practices what we are
already doing, such as worshiping,
reading Scripture, praying, having
quiet time and giving them a new
twist to include spiritual direction.
While all of these activities are essential,
it is possible to “do” them and have
our hearts untouched and unchanged.
Christian spiritual formation is the
redemptive process of allowing our
inner being or heart to be formed, so
that, as Dallas Willard states, we are
able to “do easily and naturally (from
the heart) the things that Jesus did”
(see Galatians 4:19). “That Christ be
formed in you” is the eternal cry of
Christian spiritual formation being
conformed to the image of Christ for
the sake of others and the glory of
God. Dr. Bruce Demarest defines
spiritual formation as: “The shaping
and nurturing of the Christian’s inner
Quiet Waters Compass • May 2006
Challenge yourself.
For a week, notice what you easily
and naturally think, feel, say, and do
as you interact with your spouse or
other close family member. Is this a
reflection of the life of Jesus in your
inner being? Keep a list of what you
notice and then talk with Jesus about
it when you pray.
Is Spiritual Transformation
Possible?
Deep in the human heart there is a
longing for genuine transformation.
People join health clubs, read self-help
books, attend educational seminars,
change eating habits, and make New
Year’s resolutions. The possibility
of change or transformation is an
essential hope of the human heart.
One of the most toxic influences on
the Christian life is the belief that it is
impossible to change. As we mature,
the question is not “am I changing?”
but “how am I changing?” For either
through an intentional strategy of
spiritual growth or by default, we are
being molded or formed. Whether
it is by “sanctified rush and bustle” or
the “experiential reality of perceiving
God,” each of us is in the process
of “becoming.”
(Continued on page 10)
We are the clay, and Thou our potter;
And all of us are the work of Thy hand.
Isaiah 64:8
For either through an intentional
strategy of spiritual growth or
by default, we are being molded
or formed. Whether it is by
“sanctified rush and bustle”
or the “experiential reality of
perceiving God,” each of us is
in the process of “becoming.”
Quiet Waters Compass • May 2006
9
Becoming More Like Jesus (Continued from page 8)
How can we be intentional about our
spiritual formation? In creation God
made us with the unique quality that
separates us from all other aspects of
His creation. He gave us the ability to
be self-determining, to give or withhold
consent what we call the human will.
In this, we bear the Imago Dei (the
image of God) to the extent that in
the freedom to choose, we will to do
what God wills. With every choice we
make, we are being formed. The One
who loves us and calls us to be more
like Jesus created us with the ability
to respond to or reject Him. In Mere
Christianity, C. S. Lewis described the
constant formation that takes place:
“Every time you make a choice, you
are turning the central part of you,
the part that chooses, into something
a little different from what it was before.
And taking your life as a whole, with
all your innumerable choices, all your
life long you are slowly turning this
central thing into a creature that is in
harmony with God, and with other
creatures and with itself, or else into
one that is in a state of war and hatred
with God and with its fellow creatures,
and with itself. . . Each of us at each
moment is progressing to the one state
or the other.” Movement is occurring
either way. We are becoming more
like Jesus or less like Him.
Proverbs 4:23 teaches that it is
Challenge yourself.
important to “watch over your
For a period of twenty-four hours, be
intentional about how you interact
with God. Each day as you make little
choices, ask yourself the following
question. Is this choice drawing me
toward God or away from Him?
heart with all diligence for from it
flow the springs of life” (NASB).
countless lives are being spiritually
formed by a lie. These people are
becoming less like Jesus, choice by
choice. Sadly as well, too many
Christians are seemingly unaware that
not only is spiritual transformation
possible, it is God’s desire that we
intentionally choose to cooperate
in the process with Him. George
Barna in Growing True Disciples states:
“Only 52 percent of Christians are
making some effort to grow spiritually.
Even these are inconsistent and get
limited results.” And Bill Hull, in
Choose the Life, makes this observation:
“Even well intentioned believers drift
and find themselves nearly comatose
spiritually, numbed by years of religious
activity without transformation.”
Are you drifting or perhaps, though
genuinely striving, having little to
show for your efforts?
Let’s look at some scriptures that
clearly point us toward the heart as
the place in human personality that
is the focus of spiritual formation.
Proverbs 4:23 teaches that it is important to “watch over your heart with
all diligence for from it flow the
springs of life” (NASB). The psalmist
David understood this as he cried out
to God for a true change of heart after
committing adultery and murder:
“Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within
me” (Psalm 51:10 NASB). Even
through this series of events, he
was being spiritually formed and
transformed to the extent that he was
ultimately known as a “man after
God’s own heart” (he did easily and
naturally those things that Jesus did).
In the New Testament we read Jesus’s
words of forgiveness to those who
crucified Him. “Father, forgive them;
for they do not know what they are
doing” (Luke 23:34 NASB). In the
Sermon on the Mount, Jesus instructs
us to bless those who persecute us
and forgive those who sin against us
(see Matthew 5:43-48 and 6:12-15).
Jesus actually expects that as we follow
Him, we will be able to do what we
For example, one of the fastest growing
non-Christian spiritual movements in
the United States is Wicca, the practice
of witchcraft. In the last ten years, it
has grown by an astounding 1,575
percent, and in the process of growth,
10
What Does the Bible Tell Us
about Spiritual Formation?
Quiet Waters Compass • May 2006
cannot easily do in our natural strength.
Can you easily and naturally bless
those who persecute you?
We are created as embodied
The Bible declares that the heart is
also the source of evil. In Mark 7:15,
20–23 we read: “Nothing outside a
man can make him ‘unclean’ by going
into him. Rather it is what comes out
of a man that makes him ‘unclean’. . .
What comes out of a man is what
makes him ‘unclean.’ For from within,
out of men’s hearts, come evil thoughts,
sexual immorality, theft, murder,
adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness,
envy, slander, arrogance and folly.
All these evils come from inside and
make a man ‘unclean’ (NIV). Jesus
shows us the focus of formation, both
good and evil, is the heart. We also
can see from these verses that we
cannot achieve spiritual transformation by external behavior (doing all
the right things). True Christian
formation occurs only when we are
changed in our hearts.
Christlikeness is lived in and
Challenge yourself.
Take some time to pray David’s prayer
in Psalm 51. Ask Jesus to show you
what is coming out of your heart.
What Can I Do to Respond to
the Work of God within Me?
The question that begs to be asked as
we hear the words of Scripture is this:
what is God’s part, and what is mine?
Paul captures the essence of this process
in the heart and the role that we play
in Philippians 2:12–13: “Continue to
work out your salvation with fear and
trembling, for it is God who works in
you to will and to act according to his
good purpose” (NIV). There is both
spirits, and thus this life of
through our bodies. In formation,
we are called to engage through
our bodies in actions that keep us
open and sensitive to the transforming work of God within us.
an active and a passive element in the
formation process. As we are disciples
of Jesus and obediently do what He
shows us to do (working out our
salvation), God is working in us this
transformation. There is a synergy
of both divine initiative and human
response that occurs if spiritual formation is to occur. How then are we to
respond in a way that cooperates with
this work of God within us?
We are created as embodied spirits,
and thus this life of Christlikeness is
lived in and through our bodies. In
formation, we are called to engage
through our bodies in actions that
keep us open and sensitive to the
transforming work of God within us.
One way is to practice the spiritual
disciplines, for example: prayer, fasting,
silence and solitude, spiritual reading,
meditation on Scripture, and rest.
Reading one or more of the following
books will help get you started:
Satisfy Your Soul: Restoring the Heart
of Christian Spirituality by Bruce
Demarest; Invitation to a Journey:
A Road Map for Spiritual Formation
by M. Robert Mulholland Jr.; Sacred
Quiet Waters Compass • May 2006
Rhythms: Arranging Our Lives for
Spiritual Transformation by Ruth
Haley Barton. A book full of practical,
accessible guidance that actually helps
you do the disciplines is Spiritual
Disciplines Handbook: Practices That
Transform Us by Adele A. Calhoun.
Consider this concluding thought:
Leadership Journal interviewed Dieter
Zander, pastor of a small church in
California, who is effectively changing
the lives of people in his church
through involving them in spiritual
formation. Zander describes the
process of spiritual formation as
“allowing the Gospel to transform us
internally so that we live differently
externally.” Catch the vision for yourself, be intentional, and take action.
God is at work in you and me both
to will and to work for His good
pleasure.
Challenge yourself.
Begin this month to schedule one
morning (four hours) or a whole day
of silence and solitude. Journal and
share with one other person your
impressions of your time with God. Elizabeth Walter
Elizabeth Walter is a Licensed
Professional Counselor at Southwest
Counseling Associates and adjunct
faculty in Christian Spirituality and
Soul Care at Denver Seminary
11
Murder in the Parsonage
by Fred Walz
n March 22, 2006, in Selmer,
Tennessee, Matthew Winkler,
described as “a popular and
charismatic 31-year-old preacher,”
was found dead in a bedroom at
the Fourth Street Church of Christ
parsonage by members of his congregation. His wife of ten years was
arrested and charged with first-degree
murder. She confessed to shooting
her husband to death.
Common wisdom says that
This event shocked the community
of Selmer, Tennessee, and made the
national news. It shocked the members
of the congregation, who described
Mary Winkler as “the quiet, unassuming wife of a small-town, by-the-Bible
preacher, seemingly devoted to church
and family.” A former parishioner
said, “They were a good Christian
family. They always seemed happy.”
Matthew had been a youth pastor
before he was hired at the 200-member
church in February 2005, just over a
year ago.
No congregation would admit this
O
How could such a tragedy happen?
In trying to make sense of this, one
reporter wrote, “experts say preachers’
wives often struggle with depression
and isolation and are expected to be
exemplars of Christian virtue while
bearing unique pressures on their
private and public lives.” At this
writing, no specific motive has been
given, but Mary Winkler had lots
of stress to contend with: she had
arrived in a new town with a brand
new baby. Her husband’s professional
responsibilities had greatly increased,
and she was expected (or expected
herself ) to be a co-professional with
him. She was working part-time as
a substitute teacher; taking college
12
ministers and their spouses
should not seek emotional help
from members of their congregations, since many parishioners
expect their pastor and family
to be “perfect Christians.”
directly, but they make it clear,
in subtle ways, that this is exactly
what they expect.
courses to get a teaching certificate;
raising their three daughters, ages
eight, six, and one; and serving the
congregation as its preacher’s wife.
The town, the church, the school
system, and the college each had a
unique culture for her to adapt to.
Lois Evans, a former president of the
Global Pastors Wives Network, quoted
in the Denver Post said, “Too often,
ministers and their wives are reluctant
to seek emotional help from members
of their congregations. . . . They
can become isolated, lonely, and
depressed. . . . It seems like there was no
place to turn and no place to talk. . .”
Common wisdom says that ministers
and their spouses should not seek
emotional help from members of
their congregations, since many
parishioners expect their pastor and
family to be “perfect Christians.”
No congregation would admit this
Quiet Waters Compass • May 2006
directly, but they make it clear, in
subtle ways, that this is exactly what
they expect. If they learn of the pastor’s
family’s very human problems, they
are disillusioned. A troubled pastor’s
family may feel it is not wise to
unburden to the congregation, but
they do need someplace to turn and
someone to talk to.
The tragedy in the Winkler family
was an extreme response to forces
that will no doubt be uncovered. For
sure, there were symptoms that went
untreated until something pushed
Mary Winkler over the edge. Whether
it was her own feelings of stress or
some yet-undisclosed secret destructive
behavior in the family, the underlying
problems should have been addressed
long before March 22 at the end of
a gun.
And help is available. But why are
clergy families particularly reluctant
to seek help for family dysfunction?
Several reasons come to mind. Perhaps
as a Christian leader or spouse, I’m
embarrassed to admit, even to myself,
that life is more than I can manage
alone. Does this expose a lack of
faith? a lack of trust in God? Further,
how can I encourage others in their
faith when my own faith seems so
lacking? What will happen to my
effectiveness as a pastor or pastor’s
spouse if parishioners become aware
of my spiritual weakness? I have a
responsibility to witness to the power
and love of God. That witness would
no longer be credible if I confess my
struggles! You can probably come
up with other reasons for hiding
dysfunction.
It is important for clergy to witness
to the fact that personal faith and
personal prayer are not always
sufficient. As members of the
church, the Body of Christ, we
need the support and wisdom of
the Christian community. A pastoral
counselor is a member of that
community.
The fact is, these “reasons” are really
“excuses.” I believe that, for most
people who seek counseling and
therapy, the most difficult part of
the whole process is picking up the
phone and making that first call. We
are all reluctant to tell a stranger, “My
life is out of order. I can no longer
manage it on my own. I need help.”
It is important for clergy to witness to
the fact that personal faith and personal
prayer are not always sufficient. As
members of the church, the Body
of Christ, we need the support and
wisdom of the Christian community.
A pastoral counselor is a member of
that community. When members
of the congregation know that the
pastor and/or the clergy family has
sought professional help, they may be
more willing to do likewise. Further,
they may be more willing to talk with
the pastor about their own family
problems knowing that he will be
more likely to understand.
Finally, it is far more damaging to a
pastor’s witness to have a marriage
end in divorce or to have secret
behaviors disclosed. And, eventually
they are disclosed: infidelity, addiction,
domestic violence, and so forth. Is
that more embarrassing than the
disclosure that you have sought
professional help? I don’t think so.
The recent murder in the parsonage
can remind us that life stresses in a
clergy’s family may remain hidden
while exacting a huge toll on its
Quiet Waters Compass • May 2006
members and the various systems of
which they are a part. No one need
believe that “there is no one to turn
to and no place to talk.” The faithful
Christian professional will seek help
sooner rather than later. Don’t put
it off. Fred Walz
Fred Walz is a retired Presbyterian
Minister and pastoral counselor who
has served Quiet Waters in a variety of
ways. He is, himself, the child of a
clergy family.
13
Quiet Waters Ministries
Celebrates Five Years of Service
to Church Leaders and
Christian Communities
by Dave Cheadle
O
n April 20, a gentle two-hour
stream of humble confessions, lively testimonies, and
passionate readings from powerful
letters flowed together with music and
food in an unforgettable Celebration
of the 5th Anniversary of Quiet
Waters Ministries.
As each guest arrived, they were
directed down several feet of velvet
rope to pause for free “prom-style”
photographs. Board member Vince
Van Heukelem provided the photographing service,
Sponsored by the Quiet Waters
Ministries Board of Trustees, the
evening featured a first class dinner
at the Denver Tech Center Marriott
Hotel, soothing harp music, by
harpist MariAnne Lounsbury, and
entertainment by the Wheat Ridge
Community Chorale, directed by
Reverend Eric Ishimaru. After the
Chorale’s performance they received a
rousing applause. One glowing guest
was heard to remark, “I had no idea a
community choir could be so good!
That was the sort of performance I
wouldn’t hesitate to buy tickets for!”
The evening’s guest list included
long-time supporters of Quiet Waters
Ministries, associates and family
members of the board, and new
friends of the ministry who arrived
curious and eager with questions.
Vietnamese pastors Han Tran and Allen
Nguyen were typical of a handful of
Denver-area leaders who came not
knowing what to expect. “Quiet Waters
14
is new to me,” said Han, smiling and
nodding as other guests drifted toward
the ballroom doors. “I came tonight
to learn more. It would seem that
such a ministry is very important. It
is a much-needed gift for the many
pastors who suffer from the burdens
of spiritual leadership, conflicts, and
responsibility.”
The host for the evening was radio
personality Brad Behan, formerly of
Denver’s KHOW station. Brad shared
several testimonies throughout the
evening. Among them was a powerful
letter of testimony sent from a grateful
family that had been profoundly
blessed by Quiet Waters Ministries.
The writer shared that prior to receiving help from Quiet Waters, “I didn’t
understand what was happening to
me. I only knew that . . . I was tired
beyond the point of fatigue. Every
part of my body hurt, and I knew that
there were some ongoing unresolved
issues in our marriage.”
“Quiet Waters helped me to understand the burn-out, what had brought
me to that point, and helped us in
our marriage.” The ballroom had
grown completely silent by the time
Brad read the closing lines: “May
God bless you in investing in pastors.
What you do is immeasurable in the
Kingdom of God.”
Jeff Van Kooten’s time of sharing was
truly inspirational. His challenge to
the audience to celebrate, pray for, and
to support Quiet Waters according to
God’s leading was interspersed with
delightful jokes and animated stories.
Quiet Waters Compass • May 2006
Listening to such an articulate and
entertaining Christian leader, it was
hard to imagine that a person so
gifted could suffer and struggle as he
had. But then again, that was part
of Jeff ’s witness. We all suffer and
struggle at times in ministry and life.
And that is why it is so important
that Quiet Waters is there when
leaders need it.
Dr. Dennis Gorton former President
of CB America and currently serving
as an Executive director for Vision
USA, addressed those attending the
Celebration. “It is amazing,” sighed
Dr. Gorton, “how many pastors feel
like losers.” His voice grew more
resolute. “Even with 37 years in
ministry, I felt like a loser. Somewhere,
somehow, we need to be there with a
healing touch for those who are called
to serve Christ. That is where Quiet
Waters Ministries shine.”
Jim Schlottman, Quiet Waters’
Executive Director offered the
concluding remarks. “Many of you
have joined us as we have come
alongside pastors, missionaries, and
other Christian leaders and their
families,” noted Jim with enthusiasm.
“And you have helped us in our mission
to renew, restore, and strengthen
them so that their ability to proclaim
the Gospel will go unhindered.”
In the most fitting of ways, the Quiet
Waters 5th Anniversary Celebration
ended with the entire ballroom rising
to their feet to sing together, “Great is
Thy Faithfulness.” 2006
Renewal and Romance in the Rockies
Quiet Waters Leadership Couples Retreat
Marriage in the Midst of Ministry
Snow Mountain Ranch, Winter Park, Colorado • July 6-9, 2006
Register now for Quiet Waters’ Leadership
COUPLES Retreat where you will:
•
•
•
•
•
Inventory the given strengths and usual struggles of clergy marriages from the inside
Examine the threats to healthy marriages that emerge from active parish ministry
Consider different models of marital conflict management
Develop specific strategies for immediate changes to enhance their relationships
Review the unique challenges of raising a family of “preachers’ kids”
As a Couple head for Snow Mountain Ranch this summer where you will have the
opportunity and guidance to review your marriage relationship, learn more about the
roles that marriages play, and design strategies to both protect and improve your marital
relationships.
Couples who attend this summer’s Leadership Couples Retreat will return to parish
ministry with stronger marriages.
This year’s Retreat is for couples only. Please do not bring children as childcare and youth
activities will not be provided this year.
Our speaker, Dr. Ron Nydam served for ten years in parish ministry in Denver and after
graduate training in Chicago, launched a ministry of pastoral therapy where he counseled
couples and families for fourteen years. Ron earned a Ph.D. from the University of
Denver and the Iliff School of Theology for his studies in relinquishment and adoption
and family life.
As a teacher of pastoral care at Calvin Theological Seminary, Ron regularly reviews both
theory and theology of marriage and teaches basic skills in marital pastoral counsel.
His writings in this area call for a higher theology of marriage and a tougher ethic for
divorce . . . for reasons that have to do with wisdom and healthy human development.
Ron and his wife Sugar have three sons and spend their summers at their mountain cabin
in Fraser, Colorado. Ron promises to be an enthusiastic, playfully provocative, thoughtful
retreat leader.
The registration fee is $125 per couple (non-refundable)
To register go online at www.QWaters.org or call 1-866-5-Waters (1-866-592-8377)
Snow Mountain Ranch offers group rates for lodging and meals. Contact the Ranch
directly for rates and to reserve your room at 970-887-2152 ext. 4125. For detailed
information and online registration, visit us at www.qwaters.org
Ron and Sugar Nydam
Or, call us toll free at 1-866-5-Waters
Quiet Waters Compass • May 2006
15
QuietWaters
Quiet Waters Ministries
The leader in comprehensive ministries to pastors, Christian leaders,
and their families.
Quiet Waters Leadership Retreats
Family-building and marriage-building retreats with internationally recognized
speakers to encourage and edify ministry couples and the entire family.
Quiet Waters Leadership Counseling Intensives
One- or two-week counseling programs designed to create transformational
change in a home-like retreat setting.
Quiet Waters Leadership Group Experiences
Five-day retreats with four to six Christian leaders engaging in a gracious process
of reflection, self-revelation, and mutual encouragement in a supportive
environment of peers.
Quiet Waters Leadership Consulting
Long-term and short-term consulting to clergy, church staff, and the congregation
designed to promote leadership effectiveness.
Quiet Waters Ministry Assistance Program—CareLine
Professional and confidential, 24/7 phone consulting for pastors and other
Christian leaders provided by contract to denominations and ministries.
Quiet Waters Ministries
9185 East Kenyon Avenue, Suite 150
Denver, CO 80237
ADDRESS SERVICE REQUESTED
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