Done with Darkness Done with Darkness
Transcription
Done with Darkness Done with Darkness
QuietWaters C O M P A S S May 2006, Volume 11, Number 1 Done with Darkness “When I saw the tree, I began to cry.” Spiritual Formation: Becoming More Like Jesus Murder in the Parsonage Quiet Waters Ministries Celebrates Five Years of Service R E N E W I N G C H R I S T I A N L E A D E R S May 2006, Volume 11, Number 1 The Quiet Waters Compass is published twice annually as a free, educational service of Quiet Waters Ministries and the Bethesda Foundation, Inc. a nonprofit organization. Quiet Waters Ministries mission is to renew, restore, and strengthen Christian leaders and their families. Opinions expressed in this publication are not necessarily those of the Quiet Waters Ministries, its personnel or trustees. Material contained in this publication is not intended as a substitute for the professional assistance you can receive from a pastor, counselor, or health care provider. Requests for permission to reprint articles should be directed to the editor at the address below. CONTENTS 4 8 12 Done with Darkness by Ron Klok Spiritual Formation: Becoming More Like Jesus by Elizabeth Walter Murder in the Parsonage by Fred Walz This year Quiet Waters Ministries is celebrating five years of service to Christian leaders. We celebrated with a large crowd, a wonderful dinner, outstanding singing, a motivational presentation by Jeff Van Kooten, and a stirring testimonial by Dr. Dennis Gorton. If you were able to attend, I trust you came away with a feeling of God’s presence. It was my prayer that God looked down and got excited. If you couldn’t join us please help us celebrate with your prayers. Executive Director: Jim Schlottman Director of Counseling and Consulting: Dave Ragsdale Director of Donor Care: Gene Meerdink Administrative Assistant: Marge Rozendaal Editor: Mary Ann Jeffreys Cartoonist: Tim Walburg Prayer Team: Evie Schaafsma, Leader Nancy Bierling Gene Meerdink Duane Sjaardema Vi Sjaardema Irma Zwart Development Council: Duane Van Why, Chair Keith McDonald, M.D. Ken Dengerink Ed Schans Graphic Designer: Steve Riecks Board of Trustees: Harold Seerveld, M. D., President Keith McDonald, M.D., Vice President Joe Gossack, Secretary/Treasurer Jim Pasterkamp Evie Schaafsma Ed Schans Duane Van Why Vince Van Heukelem Meindert Bosch, Emeritus Earl Lammers, Emeritus Finance and Investment Committee: Joe Gossack, Secretary/Treasurer, Chair Ray Pittman Vince Fesmire Gene De Kruif, Advisor We welcome your contribution toward the cost of this publication, as well as your comments, questions, articles and suggestions. Write to: The Quiet Waters Compass 9185 East Kenyon Avenue, Suite 150 Denver, CO 80237 Phone: (303) 639-9066 E-mail: [email protected] Internet Web Page: http://www.QWaters.org © Copyright 2006 by the Bethesda Foundation, Inc. All rights reserved. 2 Quiet Waters Compass • May 2006 Spiritual Formation: Waiting for Your Soul to Catch Up from the Director Jim Schlottman In the deep jungles of Africa, a traveler was making a long trek. Coolies had been engaged from a tribe to carry the loads. The first day they marched rapidly and went far. The traveler had high hopes of a speedy journey. But the second morning these jungle tribesmen refused to move. For some strange reason they just sat and rested. On inquiry as to the reason for this strange behavior, the traveler was informed that they had gone too fast the first day, and that they were now waiting for their souls to catch up with their bodies. (From the book, Springs in the Valley by Mrs. Lettie Cowman) Too many pastors, missionaries, and other Christian leaders are not taking enough time to wait for their souls to catch up. Has your soul caught up with your fast pace? The spiritual strength of many pastors, missionaries and other Christian leaders is very low. How can they preach with power without their souls and the strength of God within? How can they sustain a strong witness without their souls and the strength of God within? In this issue of Compass we look at Spiritual Formation. Pastor Ron Klok tells of his spiritual journey, Elizabeth Walter gives us an excellent understanding of spiritual formation, and Fred Walz looks at a current event that brings us face to face with what may happen when our souls don’t catch up. As you read, you will learn what Klok’s reaction was when he saw a small leafless tree. How would you react today to a similar experience and what old shirt are you wearing? He takes us through his journey to a rewarding result. Is your journey making you feel a loss that is like the death of a close friend? I hope that you will learn from Klok how to make a successful journey. Walter answers four frequently asked questions about the nature of spiritual formation. Is spiritual formation possible? What is spiritual formation? What does the Bible tell us about spiritual formation? And, what can I do to respond to the work of God within me? She gives comprehensive answers to each question and then challenges us to take practical actions in our own spiritual formation. Walz calls us to action. The Renewal C I R C L E For information about becoming a member of The Renewal Circle in support of this ministry, please call 1-866-5-WATERS. For additional information, contact Quiet Waters Ministries in one of the following ways: Toll Free: 1-866-5-WATERS Fax: 303-300-6773 E-mail: [email protected] Website: www.QWaters.org “He leads me beside quiet waters.” Psalm 23:2 Internet Web Page: www.QWaters.org Quiet Waters Compass • May 2006 3 Done with Darkness by Ron Klok I t was some time during my sixth year in ministry that a tree spoke to me. I was making a one-day retreat, and after I arrived and settled, I approached my room’s only window and asked God to show me something for the day. What I saw was a small tree—gray, stooped, and without leaves. When I saw the tree, I began to cry. Allow me to lay out some context. I have three old, brightly colored T-shirts I have kept for a very long time. The first is a torn and tattered Chicago Black Hawks-style hockey jersey dating to my teens. This shirt symbolizes for me my qualities of loyalty and faithfulness. The second shirt is an orange and black broomball jersey. I was wearing it once while riding my bike when someone yelled out to me, “pit bulls?” He was referring to the shirt’s poor condition. This second shirt symbolizes suffering, the various pains I have experienced. The third shirt is really a beach T-shirt with a color mix of bright yellow, orange, and red. This shirt looks like fire and represents passion. I call it my Holy Spirit shirt, and of the three, I cherish this shirt the most, because it is most me. When I saw that barren tree and began to cry, I knew at the very same time the reason for my tears. I had lost my fire. It was like something or someone had unplugged me from a power receptacle. There was simply no energy inside of me. “My spirit grows faint,” is how the psalmist put it. I was completely depleted and had no idea how I could recover. 4 For a man who had been so used to having so much inner energy and vitality, the loss I was feeling was like the death of a close friend. In fact, I had lost my very self. I cried a lot during that time. I felt lost, defeated, and like I had completely failed. After I stood at the window for a time, I made my way to the library of the retreat center where I was staying. I knew the library held a book by Joyce Rupp called Praying Our Goodbyes, and I knew the book would help me. Reading through Rupp’s list of prayers, I found the one that was mine: the Prayer of One Who Feels Lost. Joyce’s prayer expressed everything I felt and helped me to cry even more: God of Exodus, I am off on an inner road never traveled before. Deep within, where only your eyes see, there is so much mystery, grayness, restlessness. I want so much to have a sense of direction, to know where I am and where I ought to be headed. But the dark questions stay. You ask me to be full of faith, to believe deep within that you are my signpost, that you are my wisdom and my guide, and to trust in your presence. . . But the winter of my spirit wears on. The days pass by. I plod along like boots too big on a small child. Only, I do not marvel like the young one, Quiet Waters Compass • May 2006 or pause to wonder at the beauty. Instead, I just trudge and forge ahead, no spark of love, no charge of joy, no spiritual energy. Just a dead walk through an aimless winter. For a man who had been so used to having so much inner energy and vitality, the loss I was feeling was like the death of a close friend. In fact, I had lost my very self. I cried a lot during that time. I felt lost, defeated, and like I had completely failed. I came across Richard Ford’s Independence Day, a story about a former sportswriter living in the “Existence Period” of his life, a man who describes himself as “lonely as a shipwreck.” I read Frederick Buechner’s Speak What We Feel in which he quotes Gerard Manley Hopkins: “What is my wretched life” Five wasted years. . . I’m ashamed of the little I have done. . . All my undertakings miscarry. . . O my God, look down on me.” I was drawn to these stories of men who had failed or at least felt they had failed. The reading was therapeutic; I cried even more. There were several factors that got me to the bottom. There’s a famous picture in one of the offices of Time magazine of a cowboy, saying, “There were a helluva lot of things they didn’t tell me when I hired on with this outfit.” This quotation reminds me of Jeremiah saying to God, “You deceived me, and I was deceived” (20:7 NIV). Coming into ministry, there was so much I didn’t know and a lot I wasn’t told. Nothing had prepared me for the man who left his home in the early morning, walked through the rain to a trestle bridge, (Continued on page 6) When I saw that barren tree and began to cry, I knew at the very same time the reason for my tears. I had lost my fire. It was like something or someone had unplugged me from a power receptacle. There was simply no energy inside of me. “My spirit grows faint,” is how the psalmist put it. I was completely depleted and had no idea how I could recover. Quiet Waters Compass • May 2006 5 Done with Darkness (Continued from page 4) and jumped to his suicide death; nothing had prepared me for the fallout of women-in-office decisions; nothing had prepared me for the personal attacks. It was a classic case of idealism hitting reality. I came to believe that through Although I may not have been able to articulate it at the time, I’m pretty sure I fell prey to my own heroic and linear thinking. At a certain level, I believe I operated as if I were some kind of hero who was going to fix the church and turn it around and make it “successful.” I had no clue as to my own limitations and powerlessness, and the complexities that exist in any church community. I was naive. I also operated at least to a certain degree with the thinking that if I did A, B, and C, then D, E, and F were sure to follow. Ministry was like math. God and people, like puppets. Bottom line: I was operating as if it all depended on me. into God’s upraised hand. The various events and circumstances God himself had brought me down. I picture me running full steam Finally, there was the context to which I came. As I think back, it seems to me that our church was far too anxious and impatient to make changes. In a relatively short span of time we made several course-altering decisions involving women in office, re-visioning, revamping worship, and relocating. Of course, they were all open invitations to conflict. I became a target. Finally, when another leader in the church, someone who had walked beside me and supported me, suddenly and without warning, made it known that I was no longer good enough, I hit bottom. Feeling betrayed and discarded, my inner life came to an end. 6 collision knocked the wind and spirit clean out of me. I firmly believe that God, through this crash, was saying something like, “OK, Ron, that’s enough; I’m going to have to pull the plug here; it’s either that or you’ll be dead in two years.” So that’s what I believe God did—he brought me down. And then he saved me. There were several choices I made when I realized I was in trouble. I decided that I would not leave the church in the condition that I was in; leaving was not going to be the answer for me (even though many advised this). I also made a conscious decision not to blame the church. I knew that in order to heal, I would have to move beyond blame, take responsibility, and focus on myself. Finally, I needed to understand what was going on, and I chose careful steps to diagnose my condition. Quiet Waters Compass • May 2006 I made an appointment with my family doctor, and even though I broke down in his office, he eliminated clinical depression. I also went to see a psychologist, but having some experience with therapy, I sensed that this was not the kind of healing I needed. Instead, it was through my visits with a spiritual director and my experience of participating in a twoyear, part-time course called the Formation for the Ministry of Spiritual Direction that I came to conclude that what I was experiencing was something akin to Saint John of the Cross’s “dark night of the soul.” I don’t conclude this lightly nor mean it in a populist sense—the dark night as John meant it is not a synonym for depression, misfortune, or hard times.1 I came to believe that through various events and circumstances God himself had brought me down. I picture me running full steam into God’s upraised hand. The collision knocked the wind and spirit clean out of me. I firmly believe that God, through this crash, was saying something like, “OK, Ron, that’s enough; I’m going to have to pull the plug here; it’s either that or you’ll be dead in two years.” So that’s what I believe God did—he brought me down. And then he saved me. It has taken about four years for me to fully recover, and there is only one thing that has saved me: God’s succor. Ever since I entered ministry, I have made regular retreats, times away in order to pray, rest, reflect, and meet with a spiritual director. These retreats of silence and solitude have varied in length from one day to six, but what I have consistently experienced is the God we see in the Bible, a God who makes visitations in the desert, usually with some food. Self-reflection, prayer, retreating, and meetings with a spiritual director were also the focus of the program I took (mentioned above), and over the length of the course God slowly nursed me back to health. That course quite literally saved my soul. The gifts of retreating are many: The distinctive characteristic of this path of healing—retreating, prayer, and spiritual direction—is its vertical orientation toward God and the sorting out of one’s relationship to him. When we go through disappointment, disillusionment, defeat, and pain in ministry, the depth dimension and dynamic in all these experiences is God related, and in order to heal we must address these matters at that deepest level. Spiritual direction, the art of being attentive to the God dynamic in another person, helps one to notice God’s activity and articulate one’s response to this activity (i.e. prayer). Spiritual direction helps us to uncover where we are in our relationship to God, what needs to be said, sorted out, and saved. clearer and fresher. Prayer is 1 Silence gives clarity. Solitude allows us to be fully present in the presence of God. Time away is the gift of sacred space. A place away gives uncluttered freedom. Scripture becomes slower, deeper, richer, relaxed. Most precious, of course, is the presence of God himself. It is a wonder how much health and strength come by doing nothing, but that is the essence of a retreat. The gifts of retreating are many: Silence gives clarity. Solitude allows us to be fully present in the presence of God. Time away is the gift of sacred space. A place away gives uncluttered freedom. Scripture becomes clearer “The dark night is a profoundly good thing. It is an ongoing spiritual process in which we are liberated from attachments and compulsions and empowered to live and love more freely. Sometimes this letting go of old ways is painful, occasionally even devastating. But this is not why the night is called “dark.” The darkness of the night implies nothing sinister, only that the liberation takes place in hidden ways, beneath our knowledge and understanding.” Gerald G. May, The Dark Night of the Soul (New York: HarperCollins, 2004). Quiet Waters Compass • May 2006 and fresher. Prayer is slower, deeper, richer, relaxed. Most precious, of course, is the presence of God himself. It is a wonder how much health and strength come by doing nothing, but that is the essence of a retreat. Today, as I write these words, I know I am, in the words of Gerard Manley Hopkins, “done with darkness.” My energy has returned and I feel every bit as passionate as I ever have. I feel confident and mature, like a cowboy who has participated in a few rodeos. Yes, I still have personal demons to battle most recently a bout of envy and self-pity and there are the ongoing demands of ministry, but I am much more self-aware, much more relaxed, much more competent to lead, much more able to love, and much more “at home” in a world, life, and ministry full of contingencies, fragility, limitations, and mystery. My life, it seems, is not going to be linear. When I first saw that gray, stooped tree without leaves, I cried. Now I see the potential for new growth in new soil. Recently, I took that old fire shirt out of my bottom drawer and put it on. It still fits. Ron Klok Ron Klok is Pastor of Glad Tidings CRC, Edmonton, AB and Director of InterMission a 21/2 day silentdirected retreat. 7 Spiritual Formation Becoming More Like Jesus by Elizabeth Walter H ave you ever wondered why many of the Christians you know aren’t becoming more like Jesus in their attitudes and actions? Have you ever asked yourself this same question? Or perhaps you expressed it more as a longing: I’m doing all the right things, but I feel little change on the inside; isn’t there supposed to be more? And so, as Christians, we go through life knowing salvation and yet having little hope for significant personal transformation (being more like Jesus) until we “get to heaven.” J. I. Packer says it well: “The experiential reality of perceiving God is unfamiliar territory today. . . The concept of a Christian life as sanctified rush and bustle still dominates, and as a result the experiential side of Christian holiness remains very much a closed book.” Let’s look at four frequently asked questions about the nature of spiritual formation. What Is Spiritual Formation? Spiritual formation without regard to any specific religious tradition or faith is the process by which the human being through the exercise of choice is gaining a definite forming or what we call character. It happens to us all. The outcome of the process of spiritual formation is the development of character. True character in a person is what he or she can easily be counted on to do in a given situation. What is present in a person’s inner being is expressed in behavior. 8 Christian spiritual formation is the redemptive process of allowing our inner being or heart to be being after the pattern of Jesus Christ the Lord by the indwelling Spirit in the body of Christ and the living out of the Savior’s values in compassionate service to others.?” formed, so that, as Dallas Willard states, we are able to “do easily and naturally (from the heart) the things that Jesus did.” (see Galatians 4:19). Often we begin to understand what a concept is by stating what it is not. So, Christian spiritual formation is not taking old practices what we are already doing, such as worshiping, reading Scripture, praying, having quiet time and giving them a new twist to include spiritual direction. While all of these activities are essential, it is possible to “do” them and have our hearts untouched and unchanged. Christian spiritual formation is the redemptive process of allowing our inner being or heart to be formed, so that, as Dallas Willard states, we are able to “do easily and naturally (from the heart) the things that Jesus did” (see Galatians 4:19). “That Christ be formed in you” is the eternal cry of Christian spiritual formation being conformed to the image of Christ for the sake of others and the glory of God. Dr. Bruce Demarest defines spiritual formation as: “The shaping and nurturing of the Christian’s inner Quiet Waters Compass • May 2006 Challenge yourself. For a week, notice what you easily and naturally think, feel, say, and do as you interact with your spouse or other close family member. Is this a reflection of the life of Jesus in your inner being? Keep a list of what you notice and then talk with Jesus about it when you pray. Is Spiritual Transformation Possible? Deep in the human heart there is a longing for genuine transformation. People join health clubs, read self-help books, attend educational seminars, change eating habits, and make New Year’s resolutions. The possibility of change or transformation is an essential hope of the human heart. One of the most toxic influences on the Christian life is the belief that it is impossible to change. As we mature, the question is not “am I changing?” but “how am I changing?” For either through an intentional strategy of spiritual growth or by default, we are being molded or formed. Whether it is by “sanctified rush and bustle” or the “experiential reality of perceiving God,” each of us is in the process of “becoming.” (Continued on page 10) We are the clay, and Thou our potter; And all of us are the work of Thy hand. Isaiah 64:8 For either through an intentional strategy of spiritual growth or by default, we are being molded or formed. Whether it is by “sanctified rush and bustle” or the “experiential reality of perceiving God,” each of us is in the process of “becoming.” Quiet Waters Compass • May 2006 9 Becoming More Like Jesus (Continued from page 8) How can we be intentional about our spiritual formation? In creation God made us with the unique quality that separates us from all other aspects of His creation. He gave us the ability to be self-determining, to give or withhold consent what we call the human will. In this, we bear the Imago Dei (the image of God) to the extent that in the freedom to choose, we will to do what God wills. With every choice we make, we are being formed. The One who loves us and calls us to be more like Jesus created us with the ability to respond to or reject Him. In Mere Christianity, C. S. Lewis described the constant formation that takes place: “Every time you make a choice, you are turning the central part of you, the part that chooses, into something a little different from what it was before. And taking your life as a whole, with all your innumerable choices, all your life long you are slowly turning this central thing into a creature that is in harmony with God, and with other creatures and with itself, or else into one that is in a state of war and hatred with God and with its fellow creatures, and with itself. . . Each of us at each moment is progressing to the one state or the other.” Movement is occurring either way. We are becoming more like Jesus or less like Him. Proverbs 4:23 teaches that it is Challenge yourself. important to “watch over your For a period of twenty-four hours, be intentional about how you interact with God. Each day as you make little choices, ask yourself the following question. Is this choice drawing me toward God or away from Him? heart with all diligence for from it flow the springs of life” (NASB). countless lives are being spiritually formed by a lie. These people are becoming less like Jesus, choice by choice. Sadly as well, too many Christians are seemingly unaware that not only is spiritual transformation possible, it is God’s desire that we intentionally choose to cooperate in the process with Him. George Barna in Growing True Disciples states: “Only 52 percent of Christians are making some effort to grow spiritually. Even these are inconsistent and get limited results.” And Bill Hull, in Choose the Life, makes this observation: “Even well intentioned believers drift and find themselves nearly comatose spiritually, numbed by years of religious activity without transformation.” Are you drifting or perhaps, though genuinely striving, having little to show for your efforts? Let’s look at some scriptures that clearly point us toward the heart as the place in human personality that is the focus of spiritual formation. Proverbs 4:23 teaches that it is important to “watch over your heart with all diligence for from it flow the springs of life” (NASB). The psalmist David understood this as he cried out to God for a true change of heart after committing adultery and murder: “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me” (Psalm 51:10 NASB). Even through this series of events, he was being spiritually formed and transformed to the extent that he was ultimately known as a “man after God’s own heart” (he did easily and naturally those things that Jesus did). In the New Testament we read Jesus’s words of forgiveness to those who crucified Him. “Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34 NASB). In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus instructs us to bless those who persecute us and forgive those who sin against us (see Matthew 5:43-48 and 6:12-15). Jesus actually expects that as we follow Him, we will be able to do what we For example, one of the fastest growing non-Christian spiritual movements in the United States is Wicca, the practice of witchcraft. In the last ten years, it has grown by an astounding 1,575 percent, and in the process of growth, 10 What Does the Bible Tell Us about Spiritual Formation? Quiet Waters Compass • May 2006 cannot easily do in our natural strength. Can you easily and naturally bless those who persecute you? We are created as embodied The Bible declares that the heart is also the source of evil. In Mark 7:15, 20–23 we read: “Nothing outside a man can make him ‘unclean’ by going into him. Rather it is what comes out of a man that makes him ‘unclean’. . . What comes out of a man is what makes him ‘unclean.’ For from within, out of men’s hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. All these evils come from inside and make a man ‘unclean’ (NIV). Jesus shows us the focus of formation, both good and evil, is the heart. We also can see from these verses that we cannot achieve spiritual transformation by external behavior (doing all the right things). True Christian formation occurs only when we are changed in our hearts. Christlikeness is lived in and Challenge yourself. Take some time to pray David’s prayer in Psalm 51. Ask Jesus to show you what is coming out of your heart. What Can I Do to Respond to the Work of God within Me? The question that begs to be asked as we hear the words of Scripture is this: what is God’s part, and what is mine? Paul captures the essence of this process in the heart and the role that we play in Philippians 2:12–13: “Continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose” (NIV). There is both spirits, and thus this life of through our bodies. In formation, we are called to engage through our bodies in actions that keep us open and sensitive to the transforming work of God within us. an active and a passive element in the formation process. As we are disciples of Jesus and obediently do what He shows us to do (working out our salvation), God is working in us this transformation. There is a synergy of both divine initiative and human response that occurs if spiritual formation is to occur. How then are we to respond in a way that cooperates with this work of God within us? We are created as embodied spirits, and thus this life of Christlikeness is lived in and through our bodies. In formation, we are called to engage through our bodies in actions that keep us open and sensitive to the transforming work of God within us. One way is to practice the spiritual disciplines, for example: prayer, fasting, silence and solitude, spiritual reading, meditation on Scripture, and rest. Reading one or more of the following books will help get you started: Satisfy Your Soul: Restoring the Heart of Christian Spirituality by Bruce Demarest; Invitation to a Journey: A Road Map for Spiritual Formation by M. Robert Mulholland Jr.; Sacred Quiet Waters Compass • May 2006 Rhythms: Arranging Our Lives for Spiritual Transformation by Ruth Haley Barton. A book full of practical, accessible guidance that actually helps you do the disciplines is Spiritual Disciplines Handbook: Practices That Transform Us by Adele A. Calhoun. Consider this concluding thought: Leadership Journal interviewed Dieter Zander, pastor of a small church in California, who is effectively changing the lives of people in his church through involving them in spiritual formation. Zander describes the process of spiritual formation as “allowing the Gospel to transform us internally so that we live differently externally.” Catch the vision for yourself, be intentional, and take action. God is at work in you and me both to will and to work for His good pleasure. Challenge yourself. Begin this month to schedule one morning (four hours) or a whole day of silence and solitude. Journal and share with one other person your impressions of your time with God. Elizabeth Walter Elizabeth Walter is a Licensed Professional Counselor at Southwest Counseling Associates and adjunct faculty in Christian Spirituality and Soul Care at Denver Seminary 11 Murder in the Parsonage by Fred Walz n March 22, 2006, in Selmer, Tennessee, Matthew Winkler, described as “a popular and charismatic 31-year-old preacher,” was found dead in a bedroom at the Fourth Street Church of Christ parsonage by members of his congregation. His wife of ten years was arrested and charged with first-degree murder. She confessed to shooting her husband to death. Common wisdom says that This event shocked the community of Selmer, Tennessee, and made the national news. It shocked the members of the congregation, who described Mary Winkler as “the quiet, unassuming wife of a small-town, by-the-Bible preacher, seemingly devoted to church and family.” A former parishioner said, “They were a good Christian family. They always seemed happy.” Matthew had been a youth pastor before he was hired at the 200-member church in February 2005, just over a year ago. No congregation would admit this O How could such a tragedy happen? In trying to make sense of this, one reporter wrote, “experts say preachers’ wives often struggle with depression and isolation and are expected to be exemplars of Christian virtue while bearing unique pressures on their private and public lives.” At this writing, no specific motive has been given, but Mary Winkler had lots of stress to contend with: she had arrived in a new town with a brand new baby. Her husband’s professional responsibilities had greatly increased, and she was expected (or expected herself ) to be a co-professional with him. She was working part-time as a substitute teacher; taking college 12 ministers and their spouses should not seek emotional help from members of their congregations, since many parishioners expect their pastor and family to be “perfect Christians.” directly, but they make it clear, in subtle ways, that this is exactly what they expect. courses to get a teaching certificate; raising their three daughters, ages eight, six, and one; and serving the congregation as its preacher’s wife. The town, the church, the school system, and the college each had a unique culture for her to adapt to. Lois Evans, a former president of the Global Pastors Wives Network, quoted in the Denver Post said, “Too often, ministers and their wives are reluctant to seek emotional help from members of their congregations. . . . They can become isolated, lonely, and depressed. . . . It seems like there was no place to turn and no place to talk. . .” Common wisdom says that ministers and their spouses should not seek emotional help from members of their congregations, since many parishioners expect their pastor and family to be “perfect Christians.” No congregation would admit this Quiet Waters Compass • May 2006 directly, but they make it clear, in subtle ways, that this is exactly what they expect. If they learn of the pastor’s family’s very human problems, they are disillusioned. A troubled pastor’s family may feel it is not wise to unburden to the congregation, but they do need someplace to turn and someone to talk to. The tragedy in the Winkler family was an extreme response to forces that will no doubt be uncovered. For sure, there were symptoms that went untreated until something pushed Mary Winkler over the edge. Whether it was her own feelings of stress or some yet-undisclosed secret destructive behavior in the family, the underlying problems should have been addressed long before March 22 at the end of a gun. And help is available. But why are clergy families particularly reluctant to seek help for family dysfunction? Several reasons come to mind. Perhaps as a Christian leader or spouse, I’m embarrassed to admit, even to myself, that life is more than I can manage alone. Does this expose a lack of faith? a lack of trust in God? Further, how can I encourage others in their faith when my own faith seems so lacking? What will happen to my effectiveness as a pastor or pastor’s spouse if parishioners become aware of my spiritual weakness? I have a responsibility to witness to the power and love of God. That witness would no longer be credible if I confess my struggles! You can probably come up with other reasons for hiding dysfunction. It is important for clergy to witness to the fact that personal faith and personal prayer are not always sufficient. As members of the church, the Body of Christ, we need the support and wisdom of the Christian community. A pastoral counselor is a member of that community. The fact is, these “reasons” are really “excuses.” I believe that, for most people who seek counseling and therapy, the most difficult part of the whole process is picking up the phone and making that first call. We are all reluctant to tell a stranger, “My life is out of order. I can no longer manage it on my own. I need help.” It is important for clergy to witness to the fact that personal faith and personal prayer are not always sufficient. As members of the church, the Body of Christ, we need the support and wisdom of the Christian community. A pastoral counselor is a member of that community. When members of the congregation know that the pastor and/or the clergy family has sought professional help, they may be more willing to do likewise. Further, they may be more willing to talk with the pastor about their own family problems knowing that he will be more likely to understand. Finally, it is far more damaging to a pastor’s witness to have a marriage end in divorce or to have secret behaviors disclosed. And, eventually they are disclosed: infidelity, addiction, domestic violence, and so forth. Is that more embarrassing than the disclosure that you have sought professional help? I don’t think so. The recent murder in the parsonage can remind us that life stresses in a clergy’s family may remain hidden while exacting a huge toll on its Quiet Waters Compass • May 2006 members and the various systems of which they are a part. No one need believe that “there is no one to turn to and no place to talk.” The faithful Christian professional will seek help sooner rather than later. Don’t put it off. Fred Walz Fred Walz is a retired Presbyterian Minister and pastoral counselor who has served Quiet Waters in a variety of ways. He is, himself, the child of a clergy family. 13 Quiet Waters Ministries Celebrates Five Years of Service to Church Leaders and Christian Communities by Dave Cheadle O n April 20, a gentle two-hour stream of humble confessions, lively testimonies, and passionate readings from powerful letters flowed together with music and food in an unforgettable Celebration of the 5th Anniversary of Quiet Waters Ministries. As each guest arrived, they were directed down several feet of velvet rope to pause for free “prom-style” photographs. Board member Vince Van Heukelem provided the photographing service, Sponsored by the Quiet Waters Ministries Board of Trustees, the evening featured a first class dinner at the Denver Tech Center Marriott Hotel, soothing harp music, by harpist MariAnne Lounsbury, and entertainment by the Wheat Ridge Community Chorale, directed by Reverend Eric Ishimaru. After the Chorale’s performance they received a rousing applause. One glowing guest was heard to remark, “I had no idea a community choir could be so good! That was the sort of performance I wouldn’t hesitate to buy tickets for!” The evening’s guest list included long-time supporters of Quiet Waters Ministries, associates and family members of the board, and new friends of the ministry who arrived curious and eager with questions. Vietnamese pastors Han Tran and Allen Nguyen were typical of a handful of Denver-area leaders who came not knowing what to expect. “Quiet Waters 14 is new to me,” said Han, smiling and nodding as other guests drifted toward the ballroom doors. “I came tonight to learn more. It would seem that such a ministry is very important. It is a much-needed gift for the many pastors who suffer from the burdens of spiritual leadership, conflicts, and responsibility.” The host for the evening was radio personality Brad Behan, formerly of Denver’s KHOW station. Brad shared several testimonies throughout the evening. Among them was a powerful letter of testimony sent from a grateful family that had been profoundly blessed by Quiet Waters Ministries. The writer shared that prior to receiving help from Quiet Waters, “I didn’t understand what was happening to me. I only knew that . . . I was tired beyond the point of fatigue. Every part of my body hurt, and I knew that there were some ongoing unresolved issues in our marriage.” “Quiet Waters helped me to understand the burn-out, what had brought me to that point, and helped us in our marriage.” The ballroom had grown completely silent by the time Brad read the closing lines: “May God bless you in investing in pastors. What you do is immeasurable in the Kingdom of God.” Jeff Van Kooten’s time of sharing was truly inspirational. His challenge to the audience to celebrate, pray for, and to support Quiet Waters according to God’s leading was interspersed with delightful jokes and animated stories. Quiet Waters Compass • May 2006 Listening to such an articulate and entertaining Christian leader, it was hard to imagine that a person so gifted could suffer and struggle as he had. But then again, that was part of Jeff ’s witness. We all suffer and struggle at times in ministry and life. And that is why it is so important that Quiet Waters is there when leaders need it. Dr. Dennis Gorton former President of CB America and currently serving as an Executive director for Vision USA, addressed those attending the Celebration. “It is amazing,” sighed Dr. Gorton, “how many pastors feel like losers.” His voice grew more resolute. “Even with 37 years in ministry, I felt like a loser. Somewhere, somehow, we need to be there with a healing touch for those who are called to serve Christ. That is where Quiet Waters Ministries shine.” Jim Schlottman, Quiet Waters’ Executive Director offered the concluding remarks. “Many of you have joined us as we have come alongside pastors, missionaries, and other Christian leaders and their families,” noted Jim with enthusiasm. “And you have helped us in our mission to renew, restore, and strengthen them so that their ability to proclaim the Gospel will go unhindered.” In the most fitting of ways, the Quiet Waters 5th Anniversary Celebration ended with the entire ballroom rising to their feet to sing together, “Great is Thy Faithfulness.” 2006 Renewal and Romance in the Rockies Quiet Waters Leadership Couples Retreat Marriage in the Midst of Ministry Snow Mountain Ranch, Winter Park, Colorado • July 6-9, 2006 Register now for Quiet Waters’ Leadership COUPLES Retreat where you will: • • • • • Inventory the given strengths and usual struggles of clergy marriages from the inside Examine the threats to healthy marriages that emerge from active parish ministry Consider different models of marital conflict management Develop specific strategies for immediate changes to enhance their relationships Review the unique challenges of raising a family of “preachers’ kids” As a Couple head for Snow Mountain Ranch this summer where you will have the opportunity and guidance to review your marriage relationship, learn more about the roles that marriages play, and design strategies to both protect and improve your marital relationships. Couples who attend this summer’s Leadership Couples Retreat will return to parish ministry with stronger marriages. This year’s Retreat is for couples only. Please do not bring children as childcare and youth activities will not be provided this year. Our speaker, Dr. Ron Nydam served for ten years in parish ministry in Denver and after graduate training in Chicago, launched a ministry of pastoral therapy where he counseled couples and families for fourteen years. Ron earned a Ph.D. from the University of Denver and the Iliff School of Theology for his studies in relinquishment and adoption and family life. As a teacher of pastoral care at Calvin Theological Seminary, Ron regularly reviews both theory and theology of marriage and teaches basic skills in marital pastoral counsel. His writings in this area call for a higher theology of marriage and a tougher ethic for divorce . . . for reasons that have to do with wisdom and healthy human development. Ron and his wife Sugar have three sons and spend their summers at their mountain cabin in Fraser, Colorado. Ron promises to be an enthusiastic, playfully provocative, thoughtful retreat leader. The registration fee is $125 per couple (non-refundable) To register go online at www.QWaters.org or call 1-866-5-Waters (1-866-592-8377) Snow Mountain Ranch offers group rates for lodging and meals. Contact the Ranch directly for rates and to reserve your room at 970-887-2152 ext. 4125. For detailed information and online registration, visit us at www.qwaters.org Ron and Sugar Nydam Or, call us toll free at 1-866-5-Waters Quiet Waters Compass • May 2006 15 QuietWaters Quiet Waters Ministries The leader in comprehensive ministries to pastors, Christian leaders, and their families. Quiet Waters Leadership Retreats Family-building and marriage-building retreats with internationally recognized speakers to encourage and edify ministry couples and the entire family. Quiet Waters Leadership Counseling Intensives One- or two-week counseling programs designed to create transformational change in a home-like retreat setting. Quiet Waters Leadership Group Experiences Five-day retreats with four to six Christian leaders engaging in a gracious process of reflection, self-revelation, and mutual encouragement in a supportive environment of peers. Quiet Waters Leadership Consulting Long-term and short-term consulting to clergy, church staff, and the congregation designed to promote leadership effectiveness. Quiet Waters Ministry Assistance Program—CareLine Professional and confidential, 24/7 phone consulting for pastors and other Christian leaders provided by contract to denominations and ministries. Quiet Waters Ministries 9185 East Kenyon Avenue, Suite 150 Denver, CO 80237 ADDRESS SERVICE REQUESTED NON PROFIT ORG U.S. POSTAGE PAID DENVER CO PERMIT NO. 140