the voice of massey university students: issue

Transcription

THE VOICE OF MASSEY UNIVERSITY
STUDENTS: ISSUE 07/ 2013
SHARK FINNING
DAI HENWOOD
FEMINISM
HAUNTS
IT’S SAFER TO BE AT
SUMMER SCHOOL
Get a head-start on Semester One 2014 by
taking up to 60 credits at Summer School.
Classes start 18 November 2013.
MASSEY.AC.NZ/SUMMERSCHOOL
OR CALL 0800 MASSEY (627 739)
ENROL NOW!
FEATURES
16
Not Winning by Finning
20
The Sex Scales: Burn Your Bra or Buy a Blazer and Get Over It
24
Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds
28
Lucky You, Lucky Us
31
Ayla Rorik
36
To Envy or Not to Envy
40
Kingseat Psych Hospital... A Haunting Experience
42
Adapt or Dai
46
Journey Into the Unknown
48
Leo Bertos: Striking Ambition
50
Stranger In A Strange Land
52
Dewing Her Thing
54
The Adventures of Dick Hardy
REgulars
The Back
Letters
05
Columns
58
In Short
07
Reviews
62
Local Notices
11
Geofff Deathigan
66
4
EDITOR
Morgan Browne
[email protected]
0800 MASSEY ext. 62136
ART DIRECTION & DESIGN
Sean Walker
[email protected]
0800 MASSEY ext. 62064
ADVERTISING & SPONSORSHIP
Jacob Webb
[email protected]
027 894 8000
WEB MANAGEMENT
Adam Dodd
[email protected]
LOCAL CAMPUS REPORTERS
Albany – Tasmin Wheeler
[email protected]
Manawatu/Extramural – Rachel Purdie
[email protected]
CONTRIBUTORS
Rachel Purdie, Tasmin Wheeler, Sasha Borissenko, Brigitte Masters, Annabel Hawkins, Steve
Ratte, Jimmy Jansen, Anna Tabrum, Tayla Rea,
Ross Mikels, Lauren Crimp, Sam Kilmister,
KaraJane Chapman, Josh Berry, Jamie Sharpe,
Dick Hardy, Almaz Rabb, Local Food Network,
Claydan Krivan-Mutu, Paul Berrington, Callum
O’Neill, Blake Leitch, Charlie Mitchell
ISSUE 07, 2013
E d i to r i a l
This month has been an interesting one for us.
MASSIVE has received angry anonymous letters in the
mail since the publishing of the Extramural Students’
Society (EXMSS) story, and threats of lawsuits. But,
lo and behold; no lawsuit has yet appeared, and we
absolutely stand by our story. To keep up to date with
the investigation, check out our website, as articles are
updated as new information becomes available.
Most people don’t know that we get all of our stories
checked for defamation by an experienced journalist
and academic prior to printing, and we’re pretty
careful to get all of our facts right. For every story we
undertake, we do it for you; the students. Whether it is
so you know where your student levy money is going, or
how you can make the change you want to see at your
university, we’ll try and cover it.
This month we’ve also had many complaints about
Dick Hardy, our in-house womaniser – some of which
are shared in the ‘letters’ section. I’d like to take this
time to state that we write a warning label in the standfirst at the top of every one of Dick’s adventures, and it
is a voluntary exercise in reading the article; nobody is
forcing you to read it. If someone is forcing you to read
it, please include this in your complaint so that we can
ring the police for you.
If any of you are thinking of complaining to the
Broadcasting Standards Authority about us in the
future, please note that the BSA only applies to
broadcast media. We do take complaints seriously,
however, and processes about doing so can be found on
our website.
On the plus side, we have some extremely cool
giveaways this month! We’ve upgraded our Flume
giveaway, plus we’re also giving one lucky winner a
chance to head off to the Gold Coast for five nights
with a mate! Check out the giveaways section to find
out how to enter. This is the second-to-last MASSIVE
for the year, so if you want to get involved in the lucky
last, hit me up on the email provided .
Catch y’all on the flipflop,
Morgan P.I - Editor
Correction from previous issue: In Who to pick a bone with? The
Psychoactive Substances Bill MASSIVE quoted Star Trust general manager
Grant Hall saying that his organisation does test legal high substances
on any animals. It should have said “His organisation does test legal high
substances on any rodent”. MASSIVE apologises.
ILLUSTRATORS & PHOTOGRAPHERS
Harry Culy, Brodie Nel, Ash Nel, Iain Anderson
Sean Walker
Publisher
massivemagazine.org.nz
ISSN 2253-5918 (Print)
ISSN 2253-5926 (Online)
Disclaimer:
The views, beliefs and opinions reflected in the pages in MASSIVE
magazine do not necessarily represent those of Massey University,
its staff, Albany Students’ Association (ASA), Massey University
Students’ Association (MUSA), Massey at Wellington Students’
Association (MAWSA), Extramural Students’ Society (EXMSS)
or the MASSIVE editor.
Massivemagazine.org.nz
Come get some Free stuff
facebook.com/MASSIVE.magazine
Twitter: @massivemagnz
This publication uses vegetable based inks and environmentally responsible papers. The document is printed throughout on SUMO Laser,
which is FSC® certified and from responsible forests, manufactured under
ISO14001 Environmental Management Systems. MASSIVE magazine is
committed to reducing its environmental footprint.
5
LETTERS
Amateur, we stitch our
spare copies into THE matTress
To the Editor,
I recently found a copy of your latest issue hidden
under the floorboards of my son’s room, and I’d like to
take the opportunity to express my horror at some of
the content you choose to publish.
My son is only 22 years old. He is not old enough
to process salacious material, because he is not yet an
adult. So why do you think it’s okay to force him to read
stories about the loose women Richard Hardy copulates
with, drugs such as “hemp” (which is the street name
for Marijuana - I wasn’t born yesterday), and references
to videogames, which are the sole cause of numerous
massacres in the last few years?
New Zealand is a Christian nation founded on
Christian principles, which is why I am lobbying
the government to make it illegal to print anything I
personally find offensive. People often say to me that
people are not “forced” to read your magazine, and that
they can “choose” not to read it because they have “free
will”. What absolute nonsense! Does the victim of a
violent crime “choose” to be assaulted? Where is their
“free will”.
I know for a fact my son has involved himself in the
sinful act of masturbation. I know this because I found
some crumpled tissues with a sticky consistency next to
the Mens’ Fitness magazines he keeps in the wall cavity
behind his bookshelf. He would never have sinned in
such a way before you subjected him to your magazine,
which actively promotes such behaviour.
Hide behind the security blanket you call “freedom
of expression”. Continue to hold the readers of your
publication hostage with your liberal, homosexual,
atheist agenda. We are the silent majority, and we’re not
going to take it anymore.
Sue Smithy
NOT DOWN FOR THE D
To the Editor,
Your written material is perverse and pubescent.
Let the lad masturbate into his own nightshirt but
keep him off your printed pages unless you put an
R18 on it. A complaint to the University Chancellor,
the broadcasting standards authority, and all of your
sponsors is on its way
From Helena Burnett Gray
DICK: IN OR OUT?
Dear Editor,
During this year I have picked up editions of your
magazine at the bus stop and the cafe while on contact
courses at Massey. On both occasions I have read the
first half or so and enjoyed the combination of lighthearted, informative and challenging articles. On both
occasions I never got to the end of the magazine.
Recently I picked up the latest copy and discovered
Dick Hardy’s column. I was now relieved that neither
of my young children, who are competent readers,
had also perused my mags. While I would have been
relaxed about debriefing condom snorting or the article
about Lola, a child in the sex industry, I thought Dick’s
descriptions of his experiences unnecessary and, in the
works of the broadcasting standards authority, not
consistent with “good taste and decency”.
I would like your commitment to remove Dick’s
adventures from future magazines.
Due to the reputation of student magazines as a law
unto themselves, I expect that I will have to take further
measures to show that a large enough portion of your
audience does not appreciate this type of literature.
Thanks for your consideration of my email and
perhaps you will surprise me!
I am available for discussion if you would like to ring
me.
Sincerely,
Cheri Birch
DON’T YOU HAVE ARCHITECTS’ NAMES TO
CUT OUT and kern ANYWAY?
To the inquisitive second year student,
It isn’t that I don’t want to explain my major project
to you; it’s just that 4 years here has made me cynical.
It’s not that your sweet-hearted questions annoy me,
it’s that I see us both on a conveyor belt, and I am about
to drop off the end.
I see you, and all of your mates, and all of the people
who aren’t your mates, and all of the first years, and all
of their mates, and all the people who aren’t their mates,
and I think, fuck; that’s a lot of people.
Even the chirpiest bird in my class of fourth years has
become a hollowed out, unshaven, stress-ball ghost of
his former self.
I don’t mean to piss on your academic chips.
I just wanted to tell you, from a four year deep point
of view, this place looks a little like a factory. From, Cynical
EVERY LETTER WINS
MASSIVE welcomes letters of all shapes and sizes.
They should be preferably emailed to editor@
massivemagazine.org.nz although they can be
dropped into any students’ association office. The
editor reserves the right to edit, abridge or just plain
bastardise them and can refuse any that are in bad
taste or defamatory.
EVERY LETTER WINS! All letters receive a
prize courtesy of MASSIVE magazine. This month,
it is a Peoples’ Coffee and Red Bull prize pack.
Email the editor to arrange collection of your prize.
Massive IN SHORT
NZA1239
7
MASSIVE IN SHORT
THE BIGGEST TOPICS, SMALL.
EXMSS STAFFER SUSPENDED
S A S H A B O R I S S E N KO
Massey extramural students’ communications manager
and web publisher Adam Dodd has been stood down after
allegations of employee misconduct, effectively shutting
down MASSIVE’s online distribution of content.
The suspension follows calls for a special general meeting
over concerns to do with the payment and performance of
extramural student president Jeanette “JV” Chapman.
EXMSS failed to respond to MASSIVE requests
for confirmation and an explanation of the suspension.
EXMSS provides services to Massive and MAWSA
where they publish MASSIVE data under a university
media grant agreement.
“As you are aware our usual contact for this is Adam
Dodd, however I understand that he is not currently
available.
“We had notified Adam via web pitches/notifications on
MASSIVE online, which haven’t been received - and we
have had no communication with him since as he usually
checks the content.”
Ms Chapman refused to answer the question saying,
“Contact Murray who should be in the office today, Chris
or Tammie.”
MASSIVE Issue 6 was supposed to be uploaded on
August 14 and August 30; it was uploaded incorrectly on
Massey provided Ms Chapman with the money through
the Services Level Agreement media services grant, which
falls outside the scope of the ministerial directive as any
money under the directive must not be distributed to
student representation.
Allocation of the media grant was the responsibility
of Massey University communications director James
Gardiner, who signed it on April 14; Ms Chapman signed
it on April 5.
Mr Gardiner said he had read last issue’s MASSIVE
article that reported Chapman’s income was the highest of
the four university student associations. Mr Dodd, who worked with MASSIVE to provide
online content and web services, said there was a directive
in place that prohibited him from speaking to the media.
“At this point I’m reasonably content with how things
have been going and I don’t feel comfortable commenting
right now. I hope to wait until things have progressed a
little more.”
An investigation needed to take place before he could
comment, he said. “I can’t speculate or comment as to why
this has happened.” MASSIVE became aware of the suspension after
MASSIVE art director and designer Sean Walker
telephoned EXMSS student services manager Anne
Palmer on September 3 enquiring about outstanding work
that had not been uploaded.
MAWSA association manager George Bertos sent an
email to Ms Chapman on September 5 that said he just
wanted to let her know that Massive had pending work
regarding uploads and changes to the MASSIVE and
MAWSA websites.
September 5.
Ms Palmer said on September 6 she could not respond
to questions as that was the job of media spokesperson, Ms
Chapman.
Ms Chapman was on Annual Leave until September 9,
she said.
MAWSA communications manager Mike Ross said if
Mr Dodd’s suspension was resulting in Massive content
being unavailable online, it would appear that EXMSS was
in breach of their media grant agreement.
“We would expect that the university will take the
appropriate action should this be the case,” he said.
Meanwhile, Ms Chapman’s salary may be in breach of
the Ministerial Direction on Compulsory Student Services
Fees for 2012, which aims to ensure accountability in the
use of compulsory fees for student services.
According to copies of the extramural society’s 2013
budget, Ms Chapman received an additional $10,000
under media and communication, and $10,479 for group
advocacy.
“I read the article. I just couldn’t work out what the
controversy was. [But] I can see there’s a whole lot of people
criticising that she’s apparently getting paid that amount.”
Otago University Critic magazine reporter Bella
MacDonald subsequently contacted Mr Gardiner asking
whether failing to upload online content in any way
breached the Service Level Agreement on 4 September.
In an email to Ms MacDonald Critic has shared with
MASSIVE, Mr Gardiner said: “Potentially yes (please note
it is a media grant agreement; the service level agreements
are something different) but I have not received any
information about this apart from your inquiry.”
“This is mayhem,” Ms MacDonald told MASSIVE.
Meanwhile, EXMSS members have started a Facebook
page entitled “EXMSS SGM” in which members are
rallying to vote a motion of no confidence in Chapman.
MASSIVE LOVES GIVEAWAYS
W I N A T R I P F O R T W O TO T H E G O L D C OA S T !
WIN A TRIP TO THE GOLD COAST!
MASSIVE is giving away a trip for two to the Gold Coast,
including flights and accommodation!
To enter:
1. “Like” MASSIVE on Facebook – www.facebook.
com/MASSIVE.magazine
2. Email [email protected], telling us why
you should win 5 nights in the Gold Coast. You must also
include your date of birth, phone number and address. The
WIN a V.I.P. double pass to FLUME!
MASSIVE is giving one lucky winner the chance to go to
the Flume concert in Wellington, plus entry to the VIP
after-party, a meet-and-greet with the man himself, PLUS a
signed album and poster! And what’s more, you get to bring
a mate too! To enter, email [email protected]
with FLUME GIVEAWAY in the subject heading, and your
name and number in the text to be in to win. Competition
closes September 25, with the winners contacted by phone.
Dai Henwood. MASSIVE has three copies to give away!
To enter, email [email protected] with
ADAPT OR DAI in the subject heading, and your name
and number in the text to be in to win. Competition closes
October 1, with the winners contacted by phone.
WIN a double pass to
Carter Observatory!
Carter Observatory has a state of the art planetarium
show and an amazing multi-media exhibit in Wellington.
best entry will be selected by a judging panel.
Competition closes December 9, 2013 at 11.59pm.
*Terms and conditions apply. Please email above with any
queries. By entering, you agree to the terms and conditions,
which will be sent to the entrant upon receiving entry
email.
Tickets are strictly not for resale. Competition strictly R18.
MASSIVE has one double pass to give away! To enter,
email [email protected] with CARTER
OBSERVATORY in the subject heading, and your name
and number in the text to be in to win. Competition closes
October 1, with the winner contacted by phone. Check out
Carter Observatory online at www.carterobservatory.org
WIN a copy of Dai Henwood’s
newly released DVD!
Adapt or Dai features a live stand up performance and
hilarious commentary by NZ’s favourite comedian, Mr
Massive IN SHORT
8
EXCHANGE THE NEW ZEALAND EXPERIENCE
L AU R E N C R I M P
For the second year in a row, Massey students have taken
Student exchanges – worthwhile or just a whole lotta
money that could be better spent on alcohol and food?
Applications, paperwork, visas, saving money, study;
language and cultural barriers, and homesickness are just
some of the alarm bells that may turn us off before we give
it a second thought.
The applications for Massey’s student exchange
programme for Semester 2, 2014 are closing on October
1. Most of us know the opportunity is there, but it seems
so far off and honestly, we just can’t be bothered venturing
into the mechanics of it all. However, from talking to many
study abroad students here at Massey, and those from here
that have taken on the journey, it becomes obvious that
experiencing the world whilst young and carefree is the way
to go.
(found on the Massey website) by October 1, 2013. When
those boxes are ticked, you’re pretty much set to go!
So why not give it a go? There’s nothing to lose other
than, perhaps, your travelling virginity, and perhaps a few
bucks. But as they say, travel is the only thing you can buy
that makes you richer. I’m always a fan of getting a Disney
quote in anywhere I can, and Aladdin’s famous tune seems
apt here: a student exchange brings about “a whole new
world, a new fantastic point of view.”
I’ll leave you with the wise words of Miss Hyden, who
has three pieces of advice for those thinking about an
exchange: “1. Be more open-minded than you’ve ever been,
you’ll learn more than you’d think! 2. Go to a country
where you can legally drink. And 3: Do it.”
For more information, visit: http://www.massey.ac.nz/
out the top three places in the Westpac Young Fashion
Designer Competition.
A 2012 Massey fashion graduate, Georgie Veitch, landed
top honors ahead of fellow finalists, and current third year
students, Matt Hickmott and Zoey Radford-Scott.
Veitch’s prize includes $5000 to advance her fashion
career, business mentoring from Westpac, and an
internship at leading fashion house Zambesi, where she will
be mentored by renowned menswear designer, and leader
of the competitions’ judging panel, Dayne Johnston.
Veitch’s collection, “The Sisters Brothers”, took a
relaxed approach to menswear, inspired by contemporary
and conventional Japanese dress. Her aim was to create a
standardised shell, the object of this shell being to dismiss
all elements of fit and proportion, therefore creating a
standard size.
Veitch explains: “Each garment has an element of
oversize, in some cases the proportions are absurd.
“I quite often think about the girls when I am designing
for the boys.”
While Veitch was obviously delighted at her win, the
experience was made all the sweeter for her by the presence
of the other Massey students in the final.
“Walking in the show was such a rush. I was stoked to
have both Zoey and Matt at my side. Not only were we
apart of the Red Collection show at NZFW, we got to
meet some pretty cool people along the way.”
Veitch implores other fashion students to enter the
competition.
“The Westpac Young Designer Competition is a
wonderful launch pad for fresh talent and fresh ideas.
Weather you make it to the top or not it, each phase is such
an experience.
“I learnt so much about marketing during the voting
phase, it really pushed me to hustle as hard as I could and
that’s the reality of this industry, you’ve got to chase it.
“I totally encourage Massey Fashion students and
graduates to enter it, just do it; you’ve got nothing to lose
and so much to gain.“
When you are on an exchange, you are basically
continuing with your degree, but doing so in another potentially more awesome - country. You pay Massey fees,
your papers cross-credit to Massey, you can pick ones you
wouldn’t normally be able to, and you continue to get your
student loan and allowance.
But the academic aspects of an exchange are only a tiny
piece of what it’s all about. Seeing new places, meeting new
people and experiencing new things are an imperative part
of the adventure. Aidan, a 21 year old Massey student, went
to the University of Limerick in Ireland in second semester
last year. He returned with very few stories of study, but
masses of photos, tales of curling, Gaelic handball, and a
different country every weekend.
Lauren, a 21 year-old from Florida, recently left New
Zealand after a year studying in Palmerston North – which
was an extended visit, as the original plan was to stay for
only one semester. When asked what she gained from her
exchange, she replied with:
“Honestly, the best experience of my life. I’ve made so
many amazing friends, both Kiwi and internationals, and
have learned so much. It’s cool to know this place exists…
if I have an opportunity to come back I will in a heartbeat”.
Of course, an exchange may not be all about excitement,
drinking and friends. Sometimes, your bed at home and
your mum’s cooking could be the only thing you want.
However, Tom, 21 year-old study abroad student from
Sussex, England, says “the miracles of Skype and chocolate”
always help through the hard times. With today’s
technology, home can be reached with a mere phone call or
click on the internet, giving you time to live it up whilst still
keeping contact with loved ones back home.
So, how do you go about beginning a journey such
as this? Well, unlike you may think, it’s as easy as 1, 2, 3.
Firstly, you need to have completed a year of your degree
here at Massey, and have about a B average. Secondly, the
Massey website says you must be able to “demonstrate
you would be a good ambassador for Massey and New
Zealand.” Finally, submit an exchange application form
massey/student-life/student-exchange-programme/
Or contact Jenny Loveday, Student Exchange Coordinator: [email protected]
FASHION WEEK TRIUMPH
ROSS MIKELS
Creative Arts Eye
Awards Windfall
S asha B orissenko
The College of Creative Arts has landed a stack of
nominations for this year’s Designers Institute Best Awards.
Of the 778 entries nationally, almost half the finalists
in the Student Best Awards were Massey design students.
The nominees cover a range of design categories, including:
graphic, interactive, spatial and product.
Seven Massey staff have also been listed in projects
shortlisted for awards, including Associate Professor Chris
Bennewith, Professor Tony Parker, Chris Bennewith, Anna
Brown, Nick Kapica Professor Ross Hemer and Stu Foster,
with students Cameron Richards, Isaac Minogue, Oliver
Ward and Fraser Callaway, Senior Lecturer Nick Kapica,
and Uli Thie.
College of Creative Arts Pro Vice-Chancellor Professor
Claire Robinson said she was very proud of Massey design
students.
“Our degree is the best in New Zealand. I can say this
because we have the most award winning students in New
Zealand and Internationally.”
The nominations come in the wake of success at the
Australian Designers Institute Graduate of the Year
awards, where Massey design graduates won the top prize
for excellence, placed first and second in textile and fashion
design, and first equal in interior design.
The winners of the New Zealand awards will be
announced at the Viaduct centre in Auckland on October
11 with comedian Dai Henwood as MC. For an interview
with the joker himself, check out page x.
9
THE POLITICS OF FACEBOOK
SAM KILMISTER
Should our online presence on social media such as
Facebook not be just that? This is the million dollar
question which has surfaced again following the dismissal
of a flight attendant after she was forced to let her boss
examine her Facebook page and bank account so that
they could determine if she was misusing sick leave. The
boundaries between what are considered someone’s
personal life and their professional life seem to be slowly
disintegrating into a near non-existent state.
Surely I can’t be the only one to think it’s a bit harsh for
someone who has the qualifications, the skill set and the
competence to be turned away due to the fact he once had a
Jesse Ryder type moment? Or because a Zac Guildford like
picture is on display from 2 years ago?
This is starting to become a common trend in the job
application process. As if fine tuning CV’s and gathering
references aren’t stressful enough. I guess the real question
However, when applying as a sales representative it
turned out to be completely different:
“For HRV a background check was required and
they made that very clear in the interview process. It was
something I just agreed to, I think an organization of that
magnitude needs to be a little more careful because of their
reputation.”
Although some of these jobs do not state the search as a
requirement, or undertake a search at all, there are potential
employees who despite the job position feel they still have
to present themselves the best they can.
Plumbing apprentice Robbie Marshall says:
“Before applying to do an apprenticeship I made a
conscious effort to clean a few things on my profile as a
result of hearing some similar cases. It’s just one of those
things you always want to be prepared for.”
According to surveys on NOLO (a legal advice website
a means to express ourselves, and we do it in a way which
relates to our peers, not our superiors. The opportunities
the internet provides in the way of self-expression are
endless, but the reality is we need to be more street smart
about the way we are expressing ourselves.
At the end of the day a line needs to be drawn. I think we
need to take a more proactive stance on this such as the U.S.
House of Representatives, who were introduced to a new
bill called the Social Networking Online Protection Act
2012, or SNOPA. The intention being to ban employers
from requiring job candidates to provide their password
to any of their social networking accounts. Breaching this
would result in fines of up to $10,000 in civil penalties. It’s
just a matter of time before the bills are ready to be put to a
vote in both the House and Senate.
Despite this being a potential win for some American
employees, it still leaves those of us in New Zealand in a
is, where does it stop? It won’t be too long before employers
start using who we text and call against us as well. In a
world where it’s hard enough to crack the job market as
it is, this is the last thing those seeking employment need
holding them back.
Cases such as these are starting to become more frequent
in places of business here in New Zealand. However,
according to the experience of Bradley Prouting, the trend
seems to be in office based jobs as opposed to those in the
trades.
“As a building laborer I wasn’t subject to a background
check. I found it a bit more laid back, you just turn up,
do your work and do it well and there were no problems.
Everyone sort of trusted you and respected your privacy”.
to help small businesses), about three-quarters of recruiters
check out applicants on the Internet when hiring, and
almost half of all employers do the same. The common
theme being employers instantly reject job applicants when
they find references to drug use, heavy drinking, sexually
offensive materials, violent imagery, and so on.
Massey University staff member Kieran Fitch said:
“Obviously no one wants to employ people who
associate themselves with drugs and heavy drinking.
“Of course everyone’s willing to put on a suit and tie
during an interview but its online which best reflects
someone’s real character.”
While this bears some truth, it has to be argued whether
employers should consider it morally ethical to be able to
view an employee’s Facebook. After all, we use the site as
cloud of concern. With a bit of luck, hopefully the same
approach will be adopted in New Zealand before more
cases of unfair dismissal, or even more invasive measures by
employers arise.
So what can perspective employees do to lessen the
chance of this affecting them? If you are about to embark on
chasing your dream job it may be best to consider whether
you need to clean up your online act. The best rule for this
is if you can’t show it to your parents, you can’t show it to
your boss. Take a look at your privacy settings and make
sure to untag yourself in any photos which could resemble
a night out with Charlie Sheen. The reality is, if you leave
an unfortunate digital trail you had better be ready with
an explanation.
The College of Creative Arts has restructured its
undergraduate programme to allow students the flexibility
to customise their study.
Teaching and learning director Rebecca Sinclair said,
unlike the old “segregated” system, in which students were
confined to subjects from their first year of study, the new
structure was designed so that students could customise
their education.
Under the changes, first year students will welcome
new students to CoCA and to help them make informed
choices about their degree, Ms Sinclair said during a 2013
Teachers Talk.
The second and third years are split according to
what majors students decide to pursue but would have
College of Creative Arts pro vice chancellor Professor
Claire Robinson said the structure had been up for review
over the past five years.
“The previous structure was very dated, it is more
appropriate to have a structure that is future orientated,”
she said.
The College wanted to feel confident they were
producing graduates who were going to leave with the
skills, knowledge and understanding that would see them
being able to deal with employment and the current
economic climate.
“Our degree is the best in New Zealand and, as a result,
we have a large responsibility to be at the forefront of
tertiary education.”
There would be no job cuts as a result of the restructuring.
Master of Fine Arts student Angela Kilford said she was
very happy with the changes.
“When I was an undergraduate you were restricted to
the papers that were offered in a course you chose, before
you knew anything about anything. It was very difficult to
take elective papers outside my discipline due to timetable
clashes.
“You find out there are people working on the floor
above and below you with similar interests and there
previously seemed no scope for collaboration.”
The old system was very segregated, Ms Kilford said.
“[Under the new system] Everyone comes out with the
streamlined common critical thinking papers to prepare
them for potential post-graduate studies.
The fourth and final year will have an external focus so
that students can make the transition between university
and their careers, she said.
The old structure was to be replaced with a new structure
and new roles would be offered to staff.
“It is not a numbers thing. We make decisions all the
time to offer or not offer papers. We make these decisions
based on what is economically viable. It is depends on the
number of enrolments,” she said.
same knowledge. There is more streamlining and yet at the
same time there is more scope for creative collaboration.”
It was a very a positive change, she said.
COCA CUTS
S asha B orissenko
Massive IN SHORT
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Dj Cian
Verdi + Dj Coda
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Dj Coda
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Pete, Andy & Jay
(The Session)
(George FM, Conch, Turnaround AK)
Redbird Jnr
(RadioActive, Breakfast)
The day has eyes, the night has ears
11
ALBANY
LO C A L N OT I C E S
Diwali and Cultural Festival Day
On October 9, Massey Albany is holding a Diwali and
Cultural Festival, supported by Radio Humm FM,
from 11am - 3pm at Student Central.
At the event, students will be invited to sample food,
and enjoy performances and displays from Massey’s
diverse cultural community. With students from over
100 different countries, regions and territories - all
the way from Afghanistan through to Zimbabwe - the
Diwali and Cultural Festival is an event that celebrates
all these different and unique cultures.
Massey University is providing kick-starter funds
to groups that are willing to present their culture performances, food, crafts - and the groups will keep
any profits that they make. In addition, there will be
prizes for the best group, as voted by fellow students.
If you are interested in displaying your culture
(performances, food, crafts, etc) to the Massey
community, get a group together and contact Jon
Waugh at [email protected]
Become a Uni-Guide
Student Life are currently looking for new recruits for
2014 Uni Guides. It is a great way to get more involved
with university life you will be given the opportunity to
help out at university events such as graduation, open
day, photo shoots, seminars and workshops.
You will receive a certificate at the end of each year
which goes great with your CV, as well as additional
professional development opportunities throughout
the year.
If this sounds likes something you would like to get
involved with, you can find more details on the Massey
website by searching “uni-guide”.
Bits-a-Playrighting.
Bits-a-Performing
The Massey University Theatre Society is proud to
announce the 2013 Bitsas Playwriting and Performing
Competition.
It is calling for submissions to the inaugural Bitsas.
Due by October 1, they will be judged by a panel
made up of writers and scholars. The winner will be
announced at the end of October.
The winning entrant will be produced as part of the
Bitsa Performance Season in February 2014, performed
by MUTS members and presented as part of Open Day
celebrations.
For more information, contact
[email protected]
Dodgeball Tournament
Student Engineers of New Zealand present the AMESS
2013 Dodgeball Tournament, to be held on September
21 at the Recreation Centre. The day will kick off at
10am with entered teams competing throughout the
day. Spectators and supporters are encouraged to come
along and cheer on the sidelines, with a laugh or two to
be had by everyone, as well as some freebies on the day.
Teams are made up of five people, but subs would
be advised for the more unfit. There will be prizes for
winning teams along with trophies and a few other
goodies. To get involved with a team, look for the
event on Facebook, entitled “AIMES DODGEBALL
TOURNAMENT 2013”.
Details are provided on the event page on how to get
your team into the competition.
WORK IT!
Massey Association of Communication Students will
be hosting a number of events as the semester draws to
a close.
Firstly they will be going on a field trip to Air New
Zealand head office to see how the day to day business
works. Hosted by Captain David Morgan, students will
be able to engage and meet a number of professionals
and see what really happens behind the closed doors of
the company. This will be an opportunity for students
to gain some practical experience and perhaps collect a
few business cards along the way.
Another occasion is the networking event MACS
will be hosting on campus. There will be a vast variety
of industry professionals at the gathering and it will
give people the chance to see what is actually involved
in different careers.
Any students who are interested in any of these
events, regardless of what you are studying are welcome.
Information about the events can be found on the
MACS pages on Facebook.
ASA Election for 2014 running hot
Eleven students have been nominated for the ASA
executive team for 2014. The campaigning has begun
and there will be campaign speeches on September 18,
with a BBQ following the formalities at student central.
This is an opportunity for candidates to introduce
themselves to the membership and other students.
Voting begins on September 20 and voting polls will be
closed at 5pm on September 25.
Contested, are the positions of president, by Jonathan
McDonald and Andre Budel, and Recreation & Clubs’
rep, by Rachmika de Alwis and Stephan Shaw. The vice
president position for 2014 has been split into three
roles: administration vice-president, Joshua Ovenden;
education vice-president, Manu Lange; and social vicepresident, Daniel Sanson.
Positions still to be filled, are College of Business rep,
College of Creative Arts rep, College of Health rep,
College of Humanities and Social Science rep, PostGraduate rep and Men’s Welfare rep.
Contact ASA Vice-President, Arlene Frost, for more
information at [email protected] or check the ASA website
or Facebook page.
Tasmin Wheeler
Massive Local notices
12
MANAWATU
A night to remember
Palmy O Week 2012 presented itself as an opportunity to
make friends, have fun and learn where your classes are.
Instead, it was a series of fuzzy memories, unknown bruises
and little recollection of what friends you made, let alone
their names or faces. A good time for many.
For two in particular, their O Week was captured in
MUSA Presidency
With the resignation of the Massey University Student’s
Association’s president Steven Christodoulou, the student
leadership of the association remains in limbo.
Since Christodoulou’s resignation became effective on
August 16, the presidency of MUSA has been temporarily
placed in the hands of Adam Barker, the former vice-
A day at the racecourse is always a time to dress to
impress, and with this year’s theme of Casino Royale, there
will be no shortage of unrecognisable men in sharp looking
suits and gals dressed to the nines. Those fashion-forward
men and women could be rewarded, as there are prizes for
the best dressed on the day.
Those preferring to take it all off, and undress to impress,
style. For the majority of the attendees, I imagine their
night would be represented as somewhat of a blur. For
Angus and Sarah, their night was slightly different.
Unbeknown to many, Manawatu Standard photographer
Rob Kitchin had his camera on standby to capture the
chaos taking place. Angus describes the atmosphere:
“Well, from what I remember everyone was pretty
smashed and having a sweet time.”
Taking place in the middle of this chaos is what Kitchin
calls a “rite of passage” – two new students kissing, not
knowing who the other was, not knowing that their photo
would later appear in the newspaper, and not caring in the
slightest.
“At the time I just met him, not too sure how I did, but
we ended up being really good friends after which was a
bonus,” Sarah explained.
The photo has gone on to become a finalist in the
annual New Zealand Geographic Photographer of the Year
competition, the nation’s most prestigious photography
competition. Displayed in a month-long outdoor
exhibition in Christchurch, the captured kiss is on show for
the public, and for the internet public to vote for online.
Both Angus and Sarah were unaware of the photograph
being taken that night, though Angus was soon made aware
by mates:
“It was pretty crack-up seeing the paper put up around
the hostel.”
But even they couldn’t imagine the national recognition
it would reach, with Sarah saying:
“It’s actually pretty cool and really funny. I think since
Angus and I are good friends now, I can actually appreciate
the photo and view how the photographer saw it.”
Fingers crossed for seeing if little ol’ Palmy’s toga party
can make it to the top of the national stage.
president, education.
Nominations for the 2014 presidency and the four
positions on the board for 2014 will open early September
for a week, with elections being held from October 7-9.
Following confirmation, the president will assume the
position immediately, with the four board members
becoming the new executive at the handover date.
Barker has said he will not be running for the presidency.
However, any student who is enrolled at Massey Palmerston
North at the time the elections take place can run for any
of the positions.
Christodoulou said he believed the proposed student
association merger would be a good idea, raising the
question whether the new president would have the same
train of thought. Christodoulou previously said:
“It is the best thing the associations could do. Students
want MUSA, but they don’t want to participate [with
MUSA]. I think if the associations merge, students will get
a stronger, focused and more direct system.”
This lack of interest in participating with MUSA
resulted in two positions earlier this year remaining vacant
on the executive – that of Disabilities Officer and the
International Students Officer. No students ran for the
position at the time of the special elections.
can participate in the Undie 150 sprint, again with prizes
for those who can bare it all, minus private parts, for the
entertainment of the crowd.
A photographer will be there on the day to catch all of
your worst moments so that the laughter can continue on
for years to come.
Organised by Sports and Exercise student Richard
Harvey, and Awapuni Racecourse’s intern, marketing
student Gemma Dyer, this sure is one of the events of the
year for the Manawatu students.
Rachel Purdie
Fashion, bubbles and horses –
Student Day at the Races 2013
The time of the year is upon us again – the time to let down
our hair before tying it tightly back up for serious study.
The one last hoorah for many will be at the Student Day at
the Races, held on September 14 at Awapuni Racecourse.
Those lucky enough to score one of the 450 tickets
available will have buses to and from the event, access to
the Eulogy Lounge to kick back in style, while enjoying the
2 Darwin Deez - Alice
3 Team Dynamite - Coconut Lime ft. Che Fu (NZ)
4 London Grammar - Wasting My Young Years
5 Kings Of Leon - Supersoaker
6 Supervillains RMC - Planet Suave(NZ)
7 AlunaGeorge - You Know You Like It
8 David Dallas - My Mentality ft. Freddie Gibbs(NZ)
9 Randa - Frankenstein(NZ)
10 Arctic Monkeys - Why’d You Only Call Me When
view, drink vouchers, lunch and the entertainment of DJ
LSD.
You’re High
Radio Control’s Top 10 August:
1 Tom Lark - Go Get A Job (NZ)
Dave’s three word review “the lyrics win”
STUDENT CITY
Student City is celebrating our
students and their contribution towards
art and culture in Palmerston North
NOMINATIONS ARE NOW OPEN
Submit your entry online at www.studentcity.net.nz
AWARD CATEGORIES
SWEET PRIZES
Best Cultural Contribution
Each category winner will be awarded a
cash prize and recognition at the
awards night.
Best Literary Artist
Best Visual Artist
AWARDS NIGHT
Best Musical Artist
Free entry, all welcome
Best Artistic Facilitation
Best Drama/Performing Arts Artist
Student City Arts and Cultural Awards Evening
Palmerston North Convention Centre
Best Young Artist (High School student)
THURSDAY 17 OCTOBER, 6.30PM
APPLICATIONS CLOSE
Midnight 6 October 2013.
Submit your entry online
at www.studentcity.net.nz
STUDENTCITY.NET.NZ
FOR FURTHER INFORMATION
Email [email protected]
or contact Bettina Gohl Acting Student City Coordinator
Palmerston North City Council - 06 351 4100
FB.COM/STUDENTCITYPN
STUDENTCITYPN
14
WELLINGTON
Another quake disrupts learning –
‘damn’, said no one, ever
Massey students were disrupted from “important learning”
when they were required to evacuate the premises after a
magnitude 6.6 quake rocked the capital at 2.31pm on
Friday, August 16.
Massey student James Owen said he was very sad but
equally very happy to be disrupted by the latest big tremor
during his Friday of important learning.
annoyed no one believed her when she “did a Duncan”,
calling it a month previously after Labour’s so-called, whole
man-ban saga.
“To quote a good friend of mine, who is also a reporter
for Massive, I reckon David Shearer was a winner, said no
one, ever. Shane Jones has the xxx factor, but Annette King
is also my biaaatch. Love em.
“Also love National, and the Greens, and Act. Oh and
Dunne’s hair. Fab. Love everyone. I’m impartial, I’m a
returned the item to the restaurant the following day.
“It was freaking sweet. Scary at the time, sure. But I’m
getting used to it. Having to leave class proved to be the
perfect excuse to hit the pub,” he said.
The entire Massey campus was evacuated and closed
temporarily from 4pm, not reopening till the next day.
Structural engineers assessed and cleared all
campus buildings, including the nine-storey student
accommodation building, the Cube Apartments.
Surface water damage from a split copper water tank was
experienced in the Adelaide Rd building, but was resolved
promptly.
An email was sent to all Massey students on behalf of
campus registrar Deanna Riach on the Tuesday offering
assistance and phone numbers for counselling and health
services.
“The thoughts of the Massey community are with you,
and it may well be that your studies are not your focus as
you grapple with the on-going uncertainty and with trying
to get your life back on track,” it said.
Massey student Laura Kavanagh said she commended
the university for its quick and sympathetic efforts.
“The uni was really prompt at sending out the message
this time. I suppose they learnt from their mistakes.”
Massey was criticised for its slow response in the
aftermath of the July 21, 6.5 magnitude earthquake.
At 9.59pm, four hours after that quake, the Massey
Wellington Students’ Association issued a statement on
Facebook saying, “We’ve just spoken with the Campus
Registrar who has informed us that the Massey Wellington
campus will be closed tomorrow”.
journalist.”
Journalism student colleague Kirsty Lawrence, however,
said she would not engage in such futile matters as it was
inappropriate for her or any other journalist to comment,
given their ethical obligations.
“Robbie or Cunnie, who cares. It is none of our business.
“Come on. Let’s hope Labour has another blow out.
John Key is such a nice, approachable guy. That smile, that
accent. I too enjoy a gay red shirt.”
Ms Lawrence said she particularly loved changes Key
had brought about to the post-graduate allowance scheme.
“Now I can afford everything I have ever wanted. I will
defs consider the oyster truck for Welly on a plate this year.”
While the group of seven students were engrossed in
the conversation, a number of empty cups were left in the
communications scholars lounge.
Soon after, a letter to all users of the lounge was issued
by School of Management secretary Geraldine Keith,
which stated: “It has been brought to my attention that
some users of the scholars lounge are leaving the bench top
cluttered with dirty dishes.”
Ms Lawrence and Ms Brown said they were not the
perpetrators and the leaving of dishes could not be blamed
on one political debate between friends.
The “scrappy” issue was part of a bigger problem,
Ms Brown said. Masters’ journalism students were just
thankful to fellow student and former Massive editor Matt
Shand for advocating they be allowed entry into the lounge.
“All in all, I really enjoyed meeting everyone. And who
can complain with free pizza and beer?”
Former Wellington reporter and MASSIVE contributor
Bel Hawkins said the evening had been an awesome
opportunity to encourage a sense of community among
MASSIVE readers.
“[There were] great vibes, great banter, great beer, great
food.
“I think what Morgan has done is really cool, really
engendering a collective place for students to collaborate
on their ideas.
It was like online dating meeting the people behind the
words everyone read every month, she said. “It was pretty
rad.”
Sasha Borissenko
I *heart* Helen brawl over
potential new leader
Future journalists lost their cool and got “scrappy” in the
wake of left-wing political uncertainty.
A verbal brawl ensued among Massey journalism
master’s students shocked by the August 22 resignation of
Labour leader David Shearer.
Journalism student Caroline Brown said she was
Massive contributors take the piss
Massive contributors were silenced with pizza and beer in
their first get-together of the year.
About 20 Massive contributors engaged in an
entertaining night of drunken debauchery at Heaven Pizza
this month thanks, to the organisational skills of editor
Morgan Browne.
Two iPhones were almost lost to the cause, owing to the
spillage of beer and the stealing of some olive oil, which was
mistaken for a hip flask of whisky.
The unnamed perpetrator, who refused to comment,
Feature writer Elyse Hawkins said she found the evening
to be very entertaining but did not enjoy having to clean up
her pants and phone after a glass of beer was accidentally
spilt on her.
“I think this tipping-things-over disease is contagious
because the rest of the night I had close calls of tipping stuff
over also.... or maybe it was just the beer.
Yay
• People’s coffee: CAFFEINE
CAFFEINE CAFFEINE
CAFFEINE
• Socks ’n’ sandals - perfect for that interim time
between chilly winter and spring. Haters gonna hate.
• Wellington on a plate, bank accounts go down,
dress sizes go up. And whose spectacular idea was it
to feature the burger as this year’s honorary dish? Get
in me.
Nay
• Yet another, this time scary, earthquake - calm the
heck down, Wellington
• Spring hay fever. Lilies - silent and beautiful but
equally deadly.
• Blue, purple-tipped, pink, silver who-gives-a-fuq
dyed hair. Would that hateful Kelly Osbourne just
quit it? So should you.
• Final term student poverty. Boo.
lighthousecinema.co.nz
15
student
thursday
Every Thursday at Light House
Cinema students can enjoy $11 2D
and $13.50 3D films plus a free coffee
with ticket purchase.
Valid student ID must be presented.
Light House Cuba 29 Wigan Street (across from Havana Bar)
Massive Local notices
16
NOT WINNING BY FINNING
Shark finning for soup continues in New Zealand waters,
despite a lack of data on stock size or sustainability.
Brigitte Masters investigates.
One million kg of blue shark was caught in New Zealand
waters last year, just for finning, with approximately
950,000 kgs of bodies dumped back into the sea - all to
satisfy Chinese restaurants’ demand for shark fin soup.
Nearly 100 countries have banned or restricted shark
finning, but not New Zealand, which remains one of
the top exporters in the world.
This is despite the fact that currently, the Ministry
of Primary Industries does not have adequate data to
estimate stock size or effect of catch on sustainability of
blue sharks, mako or porbeagle sharks. Yet it is still legal
here to fin them.
The quota management system allows for 2 million
kgs to be fished, even when stock data is unknown.
Fishing is worth $1.6 billion dollars in this country,
and shark finning provides $4 million dollars each
year, less than 0.003 per cent. However, experts say the
practice has the ability to risk the sustainability of many
of the ocean fish stocks.
The Ministry of Primary Industries lacks adequate
data because, for highly migratory species, it can only
be obtained by observers, on board longline ships.
Observer coverage has been extremely patchy and
limited, providing inadequate data to ensure catch is
sustainable.
With such a lack of scientific data to manage these
offshore pelagic species, shark scientist Riley Elliott says
we should not be fishing sharks, as scientifically the risk
to the sustainability of the ecosystem is too great.
“If the Ministry of Primary Industries put the money
into getting the data, it is possible for them to get it.”
Ministry acting Director General Scott Gallacher,
who is charged with making sure the shark fisheries are
sustainable, said on TVNZ’s Sunday: “the information
that we have is not as bad as what we are hearing in some
places.”
Asked what his slogan was, he responded, “growing
and protecting New Zealand”; asked if he is abiding
with the slogan, he said, “absolutely”.
“From my perspective, the government and the
ministry is absolutely focused on making sure New
Zealand is a world leader when it comes to the
conservation and long term sustainability of shark
species per se.
“All of the information we are seeing is that what
is actually being brought out of the water in terms of
blue shark that is actually law and has been trending
downwards in recent years. I think what we need to
be aware of is, exactly what is the information we are
looking at.”
Asked, “what if your information is wrong?”, he
replied:
“All of the information we have and all of the stuff
we have got indicate that we haven’t got it wrong at the
moment.”
However, according to the Ministry of Primary
Industries’ own report, it lacks scientific data.
The report says: “There have been no quantitative
stock assessments of blue sharks in New Zealand waters,
and no quantitative stock assessments are possible with
the current data.”
This essentially means that trends in biomass,
effective sustainability, and the actual stock of these
animals, is all unknown.
The government says it gets information on blue
shark numbers by comparing commercial catch rates.
Ministry for Primary Industries’ fisheries director
James Stevenson-Wallace says, “We manage with the
information we have here now, and I recognise that
there is room for improvement in the information base.
“But we do have enough information at the moment
to manage these species.”
Elliott has identified that shark finning is a major
issue, New Zealand being within the top 15 exporters
in the world. Most of our close allies have banned shark
finning and even established shark sanctuaries, yet New
Zealand still allows it.
New Zealand’s waters have been identified as likely
breeding and nursery grounds for blues sharks.
Current fishing pressure is removing critical age/
gender groups like juveniles and matures females, at a
rate of 125,000 individuals/year, potentially risking the
blue shark stock for the entire south pacific ocean, he
says.
17
MASSIVE FEATURE
18
Nearly 100 countries have banned or restricted shark finning, but not
New Zealand, which remains one of the top exporters in the world.
“When these are apex predators, maintaining ocean
ecosystem balance, exploitation is scientifically proven
to be extremely risky.
“The government cannot treat sharks like normal
fish stocks which, if overfished, can rebound relatively
fast. Sharks however won’t rebound like fish, as they
reproduce extremely slowly.”
The New Zealand Shark Alliance, which Riley is a
part of, is trying to increase public awareness, in this
case, to hopefully ensure the legislation is changed, to
protect sharks, where data in non-existent, in particular
the mako, porbeagle and blue shark.
“These species have always been a bycatch in tuna
fisheries, but has had little economic value, and were
released alive,” Riley says.
“However, with the recent boom in China’s wealth,
demand for the status symbol dish, shark fin soup, has
grown exponentially, putting a high price on shark
fins, meaning they are captured, finned and the bodies
discarded.”
The Ministry of Primary Industries includes these
pelagic (near-surface living) species in the quota
management system, however, continues to treat them
as bycatch, with data insufficient for stock estimates and
sustainable measures. This is a very risky fishery, given
finning has been proven globally to result in adverse
ecosystem affects.
“As well as the scientific evidence to stop finning,
New Zealanders should not be contributing to the
finning trade that has caused shark declines worldwide,
by as much as 99 per cent in some species, resulting in
a third of the world’s sharks now endangered,” he says.
“Science has proven it to be adverse to fin sharks,
due to their very slow reproduction, slow growth and
late maturity. Sharks as apex predators, for 400million
years have moulded marine ecosystems, keeping them
healthy, and ensuring sustainability.
“New Zealand has the chance to stop finning, and
the public need to know the facts about the issue so
their voice can be heard before the government makes
a decision on such a case.”
The National Plan of Action for sharks is up for its
four year review, from last September to early October
this year, and the New Zealand Shark Alliance wants to
raise awareness and put an end to the finning.
Riley is trying to combine the science within his
PhD, using satellite tracking to reveal critical habitats,
to make people realize this unsustainable trade must
stop.
The New Zealand shark Alliance, combined of >15
NGOs like WWF, Greenpeace, Forest and Bird, are
pushing for public awareness, highlighting that the
National Plan of Action this year, is the best tool to help
ban this practice.
The Ministry of Primary Industries, however, can not
guarantee the practice will end.
“The ban of shark finning highly migratory species
of, like Blues, Makos and Porbeagles, must occur given
the lack of scientific knowledge and their essential role
in maintaining sustainable fisheries,” Riley says.
This summer Riley has 10 more satellite tags to deploy
onto blue sharks. The tagging includes public sponsors
who help fund tags, get the shark named after them,
and then view the sharks location live on the internet
or in kiosks at places such as kelly tarltons. Using the
data collected, Riley can identify critical habitats and
migration routes used by the species.
Riley and a film crew are also working on a shark
documentary that will take the public out on the open
ocean where no one get to see what occurs to sharks.
The aim is to show the public the beauty of the
animal, and how the fishing industry is slaying them,
solely for their fins, at a horrific rate, in the absence of
data needed to ensure sustainability.
“The documentary will also show how this will
adversely affect our marine ecosystem and fish stocks.”
The hope is that, with appreciation, people might
start valuing this beautiful animal in its natural habitat,
above what is essentially, a tasteless soup.
To help put a ban to this practice visit
http://www.nzsharkalliance.org.nz/
19
MASSIVE FEATURE
20
The sex scales: Burn your bra or
buy a blazer and get over it?
The f word. Fuck, feminism. Here we go again. Annabel Hawkins
explores the shifting tides of femalehood.
We are at a loss as to how to define our generation of
women. And by “we”, I mean men, women, CEOs,
spokespeople, business people, camera people,
laypeople, all of us.
For the first time in history, we are a generation faced
with the most levelled gender playing field ever. We can
all vote, wear pants, dresses, have children, get tattoos,
have sex, get married and get a job. The equilibrium is
unprecedented.
So why don’t the statistics reflect this? And where
does this leave men?
The “woe is me, I’m a woman” card gets a bit old,
right? Recently in a lecture room of 200, we were asked
to raise our hands if we considered ourselves feminists.
A snap estimation was about one third of the room.
When asked why she wasn’t, one student answered,
“I’m embarrassed.”
“Of what?” the lecturer asked. “That everyone will
roll their eyes and be all ‘we know where this is going’.”
Do we?
This generation of women is treading water between
waves of feminism. They have found ourselves
foundering as the fourth, fifth (tenth?) wave of
feminism unfolds, and are yet to figure out what this
actually means.
They have the vote, they don’t have to make dinner,
and can choose to pursue higher education. So when
the gender divide is not so blatant, when people’s
roles within their family, flat, friend group become
more fluid, how does one uphold feminine notions of
equality anymore?
We wonder this while we watch endless music videos
about sexy ladies winning over their men, and men
lovin’ a good booty shake, girls lovin’ to booty shake,
the whole world talking about twerking, and Miley
taking it too far.
Women study in higher education institutions but
are still told they are earning on average 30 per cent less
than men for exactly the same job. That underutilised
women in the workplace could lift the country’s GDP
by 10 per cent. That of all the commercial boards in the
country, women make up 14 per cent.
Feminism originates from the simple premise of
equality. Implied is the advocacy of women’s rights in
relation to social, political and economic equality, to
men. That one’s genitals and biological make-up should
not be the determining factor of the opportunities
available to them.
In a Western-centric culture like New Zealand - that
advocates a free democracy - it means striving towards
expelling pejorative stereotypes that inhibit one’s
treatment of another based on how they fill out their
underwear.
Earlier this year, businessman and former politician
Sir Bob Jones told the panel on Seven Sharp that he
thinks the women’s index that provides the above
statistics is absolutely “nonsense” (while noting that
broadcaster Ali Mau was the “token” women on the
show). He claimed that women’s reluctance to stay
behind after work for Friday night drinks is what holds
them back from their career advancement.
At least he didn’t go all Jake the Muss and ask Mau to
cook him some eggs.
Traditional homemaker (she) and breadwinner
(him) gender roles have been dispelled, women are
at work now. Great. Jones then went on to assert that
people should not be employed by reasons other than
their own credentials. But does this imply they don’t get
promoted unless they’re prepared to stay around until
after 5 o’clock for happy hour?
He concluded his interview by claiming, “men are
always more ambitious than women”. Perhaps that
could be a handy excuse in the next job interview: “I
haven’t held any management positions because I’m
female, so I’m not interested, sorry.”
This is not to uphold a notoriously right-wing
businessman as a pillar of men’s consciousness. Plenty
of men advocate for equal rights across the board. It
is the fact that it is the dominant voice in the media, a
voice that is playing out in reality.
Last month, the Labour Party made media waves
with its proposal to ensure that 50 per cent of its caucus
was female by 2017. An initiative affectionately coined
as the “man ban”. This caused a public uproar among
critics, who questioned the ethics of quantitatively
limiting all kinds of minorities within Parliament.
Did that mean gays and transgenders also had to be
mathematically accounted for too? Where would it
end?
The fact that it even had to come down to a number,
to a percentage, to clarify the misrepresentation of
gender illustrates the problem itself: New Zealand
society is still dealing with the remnants of an
overarching masculine mentality.
OECD research says New Zealand women earn on
average 86 per cent of what men do for the same work.
The “man ban” proposition was soon silenced after
Labour’s departing leader David Shearer claimed that,
though he supported the notion of encouraging more
women into Parliament, he did not advocate the way
the proposal suggested this could be implemented.
In response to Labour’s suggested initiative,
Wellington mayor Celia Wade-Brown told Fairfax
reporters that being the city’s third female mayor out
of 34, she felt there was a long way to go before women
were treated the same as men.
So where do men stand among all this femme-fuelled
discourse? Contemporary academics speculate on a
21st century “masculinity crisis” where, as a backlash
to the increasingly liberated roles of women, men
themselves start to second-guess their own identity.
Massey University public relations lecturer Elspeth
Tilley says men battle with unhelpful stereotypes too,
just in different ways. Being left having to navigate such
The fact that it even had to come down to a number, to a percentage,
to clarify the misrepresentation of gender illustrates the problem
itself: New Zealand society is still dealing with the remnants of an
overarching masculine mentality.
22
We watch endless music videos about sexy ladies winning over their
men, and men lovin’ a good booty shake, girls lovin’ to booty shake, the
whole world talking about twerking, and Miley taking it too far.
a grey area - neutral connotation intended - is not just
an issue for women, but males too.
“We could have quite a different world if people
put aside their assumptions about gender,” she says.
In discussing the prevalence of gender equality in the
media, Tilley expresses the importance of putting the
issue “on the agenda”, arguing that, at the moment, it is
simply invisible.
Examples of men’s struggle with their own roles are
evident throughout pop culture, with male characters
portrayed as being at an ends with what to do in their
life, enslaved to their marriage and needing to revert to
teenage ways. Films such as Hall Pass, The Hangover and
Knocked Up, feature lightly overweight men yearning
for their youth while they flounder in an identity crisis.
It is interesting to note that, in order for these men
to be rendered as they are, women are elevated to this
archetypal ball and chain demon in a pink (or white)
polar neck with an overwhelming amount of pressing
demands. Thus, the socially engendered gendering
perpetuates.
And then there are other, counter-culture figures
such as Schmidt off New Girl, who is outwardly and
continually objectified by his female boss in a femaledominated PR firm. And he loves it.
Despite the Hollywood hits, there is also an
emergence of more complex characters from each side
of the spectrum. What kind of subversive gender roles
are we talking about now? Talk about blurred lines.
Tilley believes bringing the issue to the fore requires
an attitudinal change. In a recent talk to Massey high
achieving female students at the Achieving Career
Excellence forum, (the brainchild of Professor Sarah
Leberman, which Tilley co-runs with College of
Creative Arts tutor Anna Brown) Green MP Catherine
Delahunty spoke at length about how she learned
to embrace her outspoken tendencies and use them
towards socially just causes.
Being a self-professed “loudmouthed troublemaker”,
enabled her to incite positive change.
Politics has historically been the ultimate boys’ club.
Australia’s current Government is an illustration of
this, with Julia Gillard recently ousted, leaving Tony
Abbott flaunting his hot daughters to win votes from
Big Brother contestants and Kevin Rudd hanging on
the shirt tails of what’s left of Labor’s popularity ahead
of the election.
The lack of sister solitude in Gillard’s caucus came
as a surprise, with few of her fellow female MPs
resigning in protest of her treatment. Not to mention
her “misogyny speech” in which she attacked Abbott’s
attitude towards women.
The landscape of gender equality has changed. No
longer do women need to fight as much to get their foot
in the door, they now need to be convinced that their
shoe is as valuable as everyone else’s.
During a lecture series at the London Book Review
in February, British writer Hilary Mantel gave a rousing
speech, critiquing the role of women in the monarchy.
Not the political functioning or possible redundancy,
but the breeding selection process to perpetuate the
throne, and women’s willingness to do so.
Mantel received a big backlash for essentially calling
Middleton’s function in the family as simply being
a hand-picked womb. She said: “Kate seems to have
been selected for her role of princess because she was
irreproachable: as painfully thin as anyone could wish,
without quirks, without oddities, without the risk of
the emergence of character.”
In response, British Prime Minister David Cameron
said her speech was “totally wrong” and “misguided”.
Yet, would the same have been said if the speech had
come out of the mouth of a leggy blonde with red lippy
and a blazer on?
These critiques of prominent women are often
ignored, with conclusions that comments such as
Mantel’s are simply fuelled with envy. You can’t flaw
Kate’s pins now, can you?
Yet, women are not exclusive victims to such criticism.
Speculations run rife about the sexuality of All Blacks
because they haven’t married, and there are memes
of actor Ryan Gosling without his shirt on inspiring
women to keep studying or get fit. I even overheard
women at a netball match the other day wondering
what a male referee was doing umpiring the finals.
The media’s tendency to two-dimensionalise public
figures can be seen to be to blame for this, often pairing
people with stories that project gender archetypes.
Social Development Minister Paula Bennett as a solo
mum, John Key’s rags to riches, and even the speculation
that journalist Andrea Vance used her female prowess
to seduce illicit Government information out of United
Future leader Peter Dunne.
There is somehow this pretence that, in order for the
public to understand something, it must be simplified.
Former Prime Minister Helen Clark was continually
criticised for her masculine appearance and, at the other
end of the spectrum, former Labour MP Christine
Rankin labelled a seductress for wearing skirts above
the knee into Parliament.
Out of all the candidates for Labour’s impending
leadership election, Jacinda Ardern was the only one
whose physical attraction was commented on as an
attribution. Would that appeal to (Sir Robert) Jones’
aforementioned criteria of hiring employees?
The culmination of all of these pop culture standards
and double standards is confusing. In a generation
where Sweden introducing a gender-neutral noun
(“hen”), and the Kardashians, reign supreme in the
headlines, we are entering seriously unchartered waters.
A recent conversation with a former public relations
consultant left me somewhat inspired. It was after 5
o’clock on a weekday and we were drinking a glass of
wine.
She told me: “I launched into PR in the 80s when the
industry was just evolving. We were making more than
male politicians at that point, and they really struggled
with that. Now, I’m happy to be retiring. It’s time for
us to pass the torch over to your generation so you can
reclaim what feminism is.”
To that, Tilley agrees, noting, “perhaps it will take a
whole new generation of ‘loud-mouthed troublemakers’
to stop accepting that and demand change.”
23
MASSIVE FEATURE
24
Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds
A Saturday night is different for whoever experiences it. Acid or antiacid? U.S.A EXCHANGE STUDENT Steve Ratte steps out into the unknown
in town on a Saturday night.
As we turn into the street, I can feel the LSD
germinating through my bloodstream.
It’s Saturday night.
In all honesty I… can’t feel anything except for my
shoulder blades and my wet ass from that fuckin’ bench
earlier.
It’s 12 o’clock.
It’s raining, but I can’t feel it.
I wave my hand in front of me to try, but all I get
in return is a trail of smoke, reeling from the cigarette
perched upon my fingers, immersing my face, and
bathing me in cancerous odour.
Or at least I think it’s 12 o’clock. Not really sure.
My compadre, a Mr Tonto Klaus and I babble on
about the Massey accommodation’s security guard,
Bubba. How he’s a rock, existing as a lighthouse, as a
guy who shows you the light, letting you know that
you’ve made it home. Most importantly, he allows you
the realisation that you didn’t get arrested after a night
of debauchery.
And he, dude, he tells you that really, real tried-andtrue shit, giving you that one line that carries a lot of,
dude, like, a lot of shit. The only tragic thing is that you
have to wade through his, like, his bullshit. Like, dude,
like incoherent speeches to get to that one little nugget
of a line at the end.
My Tonto puts a hand out to stop me, and I nearly
tear it out of the socket before recognising that we’ve
come to the corner of two streets and must wait until
the little green man waves us over. I look across the
ocean of concrete, and see this kid, this shmuck. Head
in his cell phone though it might as well be up his ass,
his stilted walk clarifying his intoxication, he crosses the
street.
The drunk passes us. My affiliate and I turn to each
other. We don’t even need to say it: we cross the street as
well, without looking.
Fuck the little green man.
We live to negotiate another street, as we aren’t
mauled by the creatures of the auto industry. I reward
myself with a drag off my Marlboro Red.
Another soul comes our way, a female. She’s with two
others, frantically perusing her purse for her cell phone,
which I only know because she’s so vocal about it. As
soon as she looks up, I recognise her.
She’s that girl who gives you that look in passing
during the day, though chooses to ignore you at night.
Her makeup, her dress, her high heels. Looking at me,
looking at you, and she tells herself she can do better.
On the next corner, I look over and see two
prostitutes. They make no signals to us, to coerce us
into disease, and I start to think they might just be
skanks - university girls with hiked-up dresses. What’s
the difference, right?
Some skateboarders streak past us. They melt into
the blacktop, only to be resuscitated as shadows of the
darkness. A kick-flip is executed.
Things start to blur as I focus less outward, more
inward. I was fucking wired: I was that lion, king of the
jungle and holding all the cards. We’d only seen half of
the street, but… the city’s tissue paper and I’d… I’d tear
it apart with my bare hands if I fuckin’ need to.
Still, I should have been focusing on my outward
appearance because, as we crossed yet another street,
I was cackling like a maniac. Frothing at the mouth
and “losing my banana”, as Mr Klaus would later put it.
But he couldn’t put it like that at this moment in time,
because we were both, as I would have put it, losing our
shit.
…I don’t care. I love it.
We blow past one club, two clubs, three, and the rest
of the scene before we know it. The only seasoning that
clings to my memories is the scented palette that is the
cafes lining the street, becoming fainter though more
distinct as they close, one by one.
In front of Cosmic Corner, drum and bass ejaculates
onto me in an orgasmic wave. Time warps, becoming
both smooth and coarse simultaneously: like sandpaper,
jelly, or toothpaste and peanut butter. The speech of
people around me warbles; I can see where they got
the idea for that womp-womp sound adults make in
Charlie Brown cartoons.
I turn to the nearest street performer, the Drummer
Guy, with the black makeup plastered across his
eyes and his little top hat, looking like Baron Samedi
or something. I begin pointing, laughing, and
intermittently gnawing on my lighter. He stares at me,
unnervingly unfazed, and keeps drumming.
Take a left and know that you now carry a new
cigarette. The only question you’re asking yourself must
be… is this my third cigarette tonight, like tonight, man,
or my fifth?
I try to hold us up. Try to think… dude, dude, like,
dude wait, dude…
But I’m told that we have to keep going.
The benches on this end of the street are a pivotal
spot for heartbreak.
Old people who sit on these benches during the day,
either enjoying the liveliness New Zealand has to offer
or pondering what could have been, are now replaced
by a girl crying, eye line bleeding onto a cell phone
along with her mascara.
Moving past this girl who never made it to the finish
line, we approach Dreamgirls and are subsequently
doused in the blue light special.
These Dreamgirls stand in their doorway, trying to
tempt passersby with their less-than-desirable bodies,
like broken sirens. From the grit of this contagioncharged oasis comes more grit and, in the year that
it takes Mr Tonto Klaus and I to pass the alleyway
between Dreamgirls and another club, I see a lot.
In the darkness of the alleyway, there’s a guy pissing,
wine bottle in his tenantless hand. Wine and whisky
bottles are littered across the alleyway as well, but they
26
Envy is frequently likened to a sort of disease – an infection of the
heart and mind. While looking through eyes corrupted by envy, pleasure
cannot be taken in one’s own accomplishments, fortune or reality.”
aren’t his. A girl passes us who looks like she’s been
used by the entire city; face smeared with her Saturday
night war paint, and though this could be from the rain,
something within me tells me there’s a more intriguing
and yet more sinister answer. A man, kid, early twenties,
my age, passes us, face beat to a pulp, scratching his
chest.
Where the fuck are we?
Teeth marks in my lighter become more defined, as I
carve deeper into it.
This callous fairytale follows us to the end of the
street, and so do the wrecked lives of the used girl and
the meth head boy. The girl forces herself onto my
associate, though in essence and energy only.
I’ll later learn her name is Faith.
“…well, we would give you a cigarette if we hadn’t
already, like, done that.
“Look, look, you dropped it, see!”
“Dude, I can’t be near this girl, we need to, like, get
the fuck out of here…”
An aura is pouring off this girl and onto me. Mr
Klaus grabs my arm and we cross a dark street with a
faction of drunks while Faith is distracted.
In front of Burger Fuel. If you went right, following
the street until it reached Pizza King, an utterly terrible
place from what I’ve been told, and peered through the
window, you’d find geeks playing Magic cards at one in
the morning.
Tonto Klaus goads me forward. I light another
cigarette, and allow myself to be goaded. The acid is in
full effect by now, I can no longer contain any of my
emotions. They can be read on my face as simply as a
tabloid. My laughter comes in waves, interwoven with
pauses of sheer awe.
Dude, like, think of when you were a kid. Like when
everything was new an’ shit, and around every, like,
corner was a surprise; dude, acid brings you back to this
place.
Now I’ve walked the city raw, I know what’s around
most corners. But this night, fuck, man, my mind felt
like it was trying to catch up with itself. I knew what was
around the corners, inside the nooks and crannies of
the concrete jungle, but I had just forgotten it all. And
when I was reminded, goddamn was it a good feeling.
This is when a lady in a red dress walks by, surrounded
by thugs. Something burning so hot, so bright, coveted
by such dirt. Truly a diamond in the rough. We move
to the sides of the “walk and she passes between us. My
eyes lock with Mr. Klaus”.
Man, like, what do women and The Bible have in
common? They both tear men away from one another.
We move on.
Outside the theatre; a place so classy during the day,
but now rusted, corroded by the homeless at night. Pack
of ‘em walks past us, their shuffled, scuffled footsteps
reverberating in my ears.
I stop in front of a bench, occupied by a vagrant
holding a sign that says “need money for alcohol
research” in scripture that should be less legible. A
handful of boozed, blazed youths, fuck around with
this destitute character because they’re just inebriated
enough to feel that level of freedom, though their
taunts are simply white noise to me. The down-and-out
bastard is too down-and-out to act like he isn’t having
a good time.
A firm hand grabs me, and before I know it we’re in
front of The Fix, across from Burger King. Things are
beginning to blur again, but I’ve been told that I started
dancing with the Guitar Man outside The Fix, who has
only been described to me as a “pirate”.
With their speakers, street performers try to blow
each other off the sidewalk, hot electric sound filling
the streets. Truly a massacre mess mash-up of House of
the Rising Sun and the sad lady across the way, in front
of the ANZ bank, playing her traditional Maori music.
Turn to the collection of exotic animals that are
raping Burger King. In and out they go. I’m not sure
where my Tonto is, as girls take their heels off and make
their way into the BK Lounge, a custom that I, still to
this day, do not understand. A cabal of girls is expelled
from the eatery, a lone guy in tow: that one guy trying
to get in on “girl’s night” and utterly failing.
You can, like, see it in his eyes. He’s like, I’m not
getting any tonight, but like, dude, I don’t have anything
else to cling onto…
Mr Klaus emerges from The Fix, a small bottle of
Coca Cola in his hands.
I’m told it takes us half an hour to get to the end of
the main street. We zig-zag across the street and back
multiple times, arguing about anything and everything,
though mainly how I’d want to keep stopping and
Klaus would want to keep moving on.
“…no, dude, wait, hang on a second.”
“Yeah, that’s great, but there’s a fucking police officer
right over there!”
Cabs honk at us and we throw our elderly cigarette
butts at them. I’d lost all control now, had become the
flagship for chain-smokers everywhere.
I smoke cigarettes until they smoulder at the filter. I
smoke the filter. And then I smoke some more.
By the end of the main street, I am down to my last
one. I wait for my partner in crime to finish taking a
piss. I check my watch The dials spin rapidly, depriving
me of learning what time it is.
Klaus, relieved, comes back to me, a determined glint
in his eye, but I grab his shirt and pull his face toward
mine. I explain to him that where we are, physically,
mentally, emotionally, everything-ly, is symbolic of the
trip we are on.
“We’re like, fuckin’, the only people on this island, in
the middle of the city, all the cars and people around us
and shit. Dude, like, we’re actually on an island: nobody
knows how fucked up we are except us”.
I want to show him how the city appears to me, at
this junction in time. It’s taken on the form of Times
Square, that iconic image of New York City’s heart and
soul. The hustle and bustle and the lights. I don’t know
how I’ve got here, but I have.
“See what I see… take this moment in, Tonto.”
Take in the Asian and Middle-Eastern cafes that
line the street. Take in the cabs, bleeding by us, music
protruding from the cockpits, counterattacking the
music spewing out of the clubs. Take in the guys
standing around in clusters waiting to go home. Take in
all those packs of girls, walking together, drunken-Naziregime-style, who think that little black dress they’re
wearing is the perfect one for them.
Take in the street performers, and take in the drunks
assisting these street performers on vocal duties. Take
in the police, walking in their Fist of Justice triads.
They stand over passed-out night-goers on sidewalks
and interrogate the homeless in bus stops. Take in
the girls who could hold their liquor better than their
boyfriends, or whoever it is they are practically carrying.
Take in the old guys trying to pick up young, university
girls. Take in the street cats that prowl.
My cigarette, my last cigarette has been burning this
whole time, and Mr Tonto Klaus snatches it out of my
hand.
“Gimme that fuckin’ thing.”
Maybe things aren’t so majestic. Maybe we’re just two
fiends, fighting over a nearly finished cigarette like it’s a
joint, or like we’re children.
Boys with toys.
Passing an old Irish bar, life resembles a Jersey Shore
episode. Everyone is so smooth, so slicked back, tanned,
hair done, nails did, guys and girls alike.
Everyone’s, like, covered in plastic, fuckin’ smooth
transparent latex.
Some guys look like they spent more time getting
ready than their girls do. Like their girls have been
waiting on them for an hour.
Can’t Touch This plays as a guy bumps into me.
We pass people in costumes, coming from costume
parties, Uncle Fester, following far behind, looking so
strange out of context, without the rest of his Addams
Family.
A new pack of cigarettes has magically appeared. I
light one, take a single drag, and it ceases to exist.
There’s a sense of community that exists on the
scene of New Zealand’s nightlife. There’s community
between the cab drivers, chatting to each other about
their various passengers. There’s community between
the bouncers, who say whatup to each other from across
the street. There’s community between the clubbers and
the ethnicities, as I see multitudes of interracial lovers
and lusters.
And then, people will hassle you for cigarettes,
coming on to you like a friend or a rapist would, but
your answer is set in stone, rendering you no better than
a broken record player.
Girls you find attractive will receive at least one drag
though, so that when your lips return to that Marlboro
Red, you’ll feel like you got closer to kissing a girl than a
lot of the other shit cunts out here did.
Outside a club, a hand, my own, is dug into my
pocket and for the first time tonight, I feel small. For
the first time tonight, I feel touchable.
“Dude, no!”
“Shh-shhh-shutthefuckupforasecond; I’ve been
walking around Wellington, on acid, like on acid
without any fuckin’ ID, man!”
We try a pitiful go at trying to get the two of us inside,
but ultimately I get shutdown. Mr. Klaus advances. And
I post up on the wall, waiting for his return.
I stand next to a bouncer for what feels like hours. I
look everyone up and down, even the bouncers. And
the bouncers, I watch as they pull drunks into the club
to buy more liquor, just so they could kick them out
after it’s been sold.
I read the faces of guys with fake IDs who were also
allowed entry: the bouncers know, but they don’t care.
And I stare the bouncers down as they in-genuinely
bob their heads to the music coming out of the club,
but they own it so well from so much practice, week in
and week out.
Then there’s that guy who dances outside that place
all the time. I think I’m fucked up.
I soon realise that I am alone from here on in, that the
Lone Ranger doesn’t always have Tonto at his side. The
night is winding down and, though I won’t successfully
sleep that night, I start my trek back to Massey
accommodation. After I cross over to the opposite side
of the street, roars erupt in front of Burger Fuel.
I watch as a street fight takes place, first on the
sidewalk, then spilling onto the pavement. Light turns
green and the cabs, they start to pollute the intersection
as there’s no way past this collage of bruised bodies. The
cabs aggressively begin honking their horns in agitation
and irritation.
And then, community makes itself present again.
One homeless man, this real grungy fuck, makes his
way into the middle of the battle, throwing his hands
up and successfully manages to break it up. He throws
white guys off Maori guys and Maori guys off white
guys and, while both sides continue to beat their chests,
they back off and start going their separate ways.
“And they wonder why we hate them,” this white kid
says to another, throwing his hand toward the fading
Maori boys, as they pass me by.
As I near the accommodation, I realise that this
is both the longest and shortest walk I’ve been put
through in quite a while.
Back at last. On arrival, Bubba, the security guard, is
already outside, cigarette in hand.
“Bubba! You’re my rock, man. My lighthouse. All
that other shit, man!”
He begins his spiel, his bullshitting, and it’s at this
time that I realise I don’t need the lesson at the end of
whatever the ?? he has to say. I realise I know what I
need to know.
I realise that… to have come so far, to have
experienced all this, and to not have gotten arrested, is
a beautiful thing.
And yet, to have experienced simply another
Saturday night, is nothing.
28
LUCKY YOU, LUCKY US
Lucky You is the new menswear brand on the scene. Rachel Purdie
chats to the masterminds behind the label, a brother/sister team,
one half of whom graduated from Massey.
Sitting down with up and coming fashion stars Pearl
and Austin Delaney-Girdlestone, co-founders of
menswear brand, Lucky You Apparel, you cand taste
the excitement in the air. The launch of their Spring
2013 line is underway, and they couldn’t be more ready
to take on the challenges that will come their way.
At the dining table of their home, surrounded by
beautiful country scenery, it’s not hard to see their
inspiration for their work – New Zealand. The brand
is New Zealand through and through, from the
drawing board of the design stage, right through to
the production of the final product. Pearl, a Massey
graduate with Honours, is the marketing and branding
manager, while Austin, the keen style-setter, is the
designer.
The brother/sister team open up about the world
of fashion and the experiences they have encountered
along the way to launching their first line.
How did the idea of developing a brand come
about?
Austin: I went out there and I saw hats that were
good, but there wasn’t really anything that I would want
to wear. There were ones that I considered, but there’s
something when you know you can make the ideal
of what you want, especially creating something that
could be more special. A friend gave me a contact, and
it came to me that I could actually make this a reality.
I was constantly like “One day I could make my own
brand”, and I could have forever been saying “one day”,
but it was that realisation that I could actually make this
happen now.
Pearl: When Austin put forward the idea, I thought
it was great, but wasn’t too sure about how much he
meant it. After he explained all of the research he had
already put into it, I knew he was serious, and I knew
that I had to be a part of it.
Why hats, and why five panel hats?
P: It was a good intro to the industry. We want to
develop further into more clothing, but it’s a good place
to start – everyone can wear them!
A: I hadn’t really worn hats because I have a big head
and they never really suited me, but with five panels
they fitted into my kind of style. Five panels are more
of an accessory - there is functionality to them, and they
are like wearing a nice sweater.
P: Our motto for Lucky You is that our products
are an “Extension to your art piece”, what you wear for
the day expresses who you are, and our hats top it off.
Even made and designed for a guy, a girl can still pull it
off. You can mix it up with the different panels and the
fabrics you apply to it, and it’s a nice product that stands
really nicely for New Zealand.
Where did the notion of exclusivity come from?
A: I hate when I buy something and spend a lot
of money on it and then walk down the street and
someone’s wearing the exact same thing. There’s an
aesthetic in that idea that I like – I know I would
enjoy the knowledge that it’s exclusive, and I know
there are people out there that would also enjoy it. So
I thought, why not make it happen? There’s something
more special about owning a unique item, rather than
a product that is simply another in a line of numbers.
P: We would only ever do a maximum of 20 for each
style. The number of runs is determined by everything
from the amount of fabric available to how special, and
exclusive, we want a certain design to be. There are 12
designs in total for the Spring 2013 collection, with
four one-offs. They are individualised in the packaging
with labelling denoting which run they are, say you buy
the sixth hat offline, then it will come with a 6/20 on
it, kind of like a certification. The idea that you are the
only person in the world with that hat is quite special.
You know you’re not going to walk down the street and
run into someone with the same hat.
How difficult was it to create a purely New Zealand
product?
P: Straight away, Austin found a company, and we
got in contact with them, and he went up there and saw
them. So we were very lucky in terms of that. To branch
out into the other types of apparel we are interested
in such as t-shirts, shorts, shirts, we are definitely
struggling more in that area. You can definitely see why
people in New Zealand go overseas, such as I Love Ugly
going offshore to Korea. We think it’s really important
that if we are going to do something in New Zealand, to
do it New Zealand made – it ensures that our products
have the level of quality we want, which is the highest
we can possibly produce.
A: I believe that it’s appealing to people in the New
Zealand market, that it comes from overseas, but at
the same time, for international customers it’s a New
Zealand brand through and through, from every aspect
including the design, through to the production, and
even being stylised to the New Zealand climate.
Did you ever imagine that you would be working
together as a team?
P: No. As kids we used to fight terribly, like he would
wind me up, being farm kids and everything. But now
we get along really well and we can discuss things and
he’s finally matured [laughs].
A: No, no definitely not. I think it’s almost better in
that sense, because you can respect their opinion a lot
more. As I am a person with a tendency to throw the
towel in, it makes it a lot harder when it’s family. I feel
that if it had been anybody else, we wouldn’t be where
we are today.
Were your young ages ever an impacting factor
when dealing with businesses?
P: People do look surprised, and for Austin and I it’s
our first time for us as well. When I was applying for the
merchant system for the website, I was like, “I’m sorry I
don’t know what that is, can you please explain that to
me?” And when we went up to the bank, and I had on
my blazer and everything, and were like “Hi, we would
like to sign up our business account” and the lady kind
of raised her eyebrows.
Where do you envision your brand going from
here?
A: Making it one of the top quality New Zealand
made menswear brands.
P: I’ve got big dreams for it, and want it to become
my fulltime job in the next year or two. This will enable
me to focus 100 per cent on the brand and really push
it, but we would definitely like to be solid competition
for other New Zealand names.
29
Adding to Uniqueness
With the range of hats in the Spring 2013 line, each
has its own story and history, adding to the uniqueness
of the individual products and the brand as a whole.
Ranging from the “Number One” featuring a Jacobean
print, being named due to being the first roll of fabric
the designer duo purchased, to the “Cashmere in Japan”
featuring grey wool and cashmere panels accented by
a Japanese print purchased from a Wellington market,
the products are certainly something special.
The textures range from felts to satins, the colours
are a rainbow of ivory through to chocolate, and the
prints are anything from country hounds to botanicals.
Purchased from high end stores, markets, and op shops,
the fabrics may be the last of the roll, a pillowcase or
even an exotic piece pulled from their Mum’s travelling
suitcase.
Lucky You Apparel can be purchased online at
www.luckyyou.co.nz, followed on Instagram at
luckyyouapparelnz, or via their Facebook page “Lucky
You”. As well as products available, these social media
connections allow people to see behind-the-scenes,
including the photo shoot for the campaign, the endless
discussions over a delicious dinner somewhere, and the
design space utilised, giving them chance to join them
on a journey into the world of fashion.
MASSIVE FEATURE
30
31
AYLA RORIK
Photos – Sarah Kilner
Illustration – Brodie Nel
Model – Zoey Radford-Scott
Make-up – Maia Renner
MASSIVE FEATURE
SUITED
If you happen to live in Wellington, it’s virtually inevitable that you’ve
noticed many a stylish head adorned with the word ‘Ayla’ this winter.
The signature beanies, along with bags and bucket hats, have served a rapidly
build brand awareness of 2012 Massey Fashion graduate Ayla Rorik’s
eponymous label.
Her well received first commercial collection ‘Absence’ has been stocked at
The Design Loft, which is an independent collaboration of emerging NZ designers - including fellow Massey graduates Jacque Shaw and Brooke Barrett.
It hosts both a workroom and showroom, and Wanderer in Christchurch.
While Wellington has provided an excellent initial platform for Rorvik, she
is set to jump the ditch to Melbourne, with the goal of expanding her brand
throughout Australasia.
Her departing collection, ‘Suited’ is a personal project, and an intentional
stride out of her black and white comfort zone. These 100% linen two-piece
power-suits are an exploration of the modern suit with a wink toward the
feminist movement. Intended for every day wear, they are wilfully ignorant to
stereotypes of occasion and gender appropriate dressing.
M AS S I V E V ISUA L FE ATURE
AY L A RORIK
36
TO ENVY OR NOT TO ENVY
Why do we envy people? Is it sin or is it in our nature? Jimmy Jansen
researches what true envy, or jealousy, really is.
Feeling dark and stormy on a dark and stormy
afternoon, I added to my misery by venturing out into
what I would define as a summer blizzard – tropical,
bloody New Zealand.
I was searching for something to lift the bitter taste
of dissatisfaction from my tongue, namely, a packet of
TimTams. Soaked and completely frozen, I arrived at
the supermarket to collect said TimTams only to receive
an embarrassing “DECLINED” at the counter.
As students, you can all empathise. Less than
contented, I thundered out into the street only to be
accosted by the worst couple imaginable. Walking
towards me in Karen Walker and World Man attire
were two of the most handsome men I have ever seen,
each holding a Memphis Meltdown and each other’s
hand.
I suddenly became very aware of what I didn’t have. I
didn’t have a sexy boyfriend holding my hand. My track
pants were not off the Gucci rack, and I certainly did
not have an ice cream. As if I wasn’t simmering already,
this delightful couple, an innocent and completely
inoffensive picture of happiness, was enough to make
me retch.
I could feel the sweet memories of chocolate icecreams turning sour on my lips. I could feel the
excitement of having a special someone weave their
fingers between mine turn to contempt. For the first
time that day, I felt a strange burning passion, a seething
emotion: bitter, resentful, envy.
Finally there was something in the Bible I agreed
with. Envy certainly is a sin burning of flesh… or at least
it feels like it.
Is envy simply a superficial feeling that occasionally
rears its ugly head? Or does it run far deeper than we
care to realise?
Without getting too religiously charged on the topic,
though most religions disagree and slag each other off
furiously, they can agree on some things. Across the
holy board, the formidable and destructive power of
envy is recognised and placed on the “thou shalt not”
list.
Christianity identifies envy as looking upon the
fortune of others with ill-placed desire and bitter
resentment – a relentless wanting of what others have.
As far as sins go, envy is placed in the top seven.
“He who envies others does not obtain peace of
mind”. Buddha didn’t like envy either. He was right as
well. I have never been so profoundly affected by an icecream before.
Though I hated classics in high school - more than
one week of painted vases is too much - some of the best
thinkers and best stories came out of ancient Greece
and Rome. “Invidia”, the Latin word for envy, stems
from the Latin word “Invidere”, which means “to look
too closely”, by definition, to look too closely through
a resentful gaze.
Ovid, an ancient Roman poet described Invidia,
personified, as a Roman goddess: “Her face was sickly
pale, her whole body lean and wasted, and she squinted
horribly; her teeth were discoloured and decayed, her
poisonous breast of a greenish hue, and her tongue
dripped venom. … gnawing and being gnawed, she was
herself her own torment”.
Though this paints a vivid and dramatic picture - and
sounds somewhat like one of my ex’s - the feeling of
envy is not so far from it. Envy, and the physiological
response associated, is pretty intense.
Imagine the appearance of Invidia – a melancholy,
withered wreck of a figure, full of dissatisfaction and
contempt. Short of having bad teeth, if I were to look at
my reflection as those boys pranced past me, the pursed
lips and frown on my face was probably enough to melt
flesh.
Interestingly, envy is frequently likened to a sort of
disease – an infection of the heart and mind. While
looking through eyes corrupted by envy, pleasure
cannot be taken in one’s own accomplishments, fortune
or reality. Dissatisfaction, disdain and resentment aren’t
pretty, and to feel such negative feelings is sickening to
the mind and body.
The ancient Greeks believed that envy caused an
elevation in bile and acidity in the body, producing a
yellowish/greenish tinge in the skin, possibly giving rise
to the phrase, “green with envy.” Funnily enough we
relate feeling green to feeling sick. For example, I felt a
bit “green” a couple of Sundays ago. Though I am sure
there is some wild explanation of this, I wonder if it has
anything to do with the colour of vomit?
In hindsight (wonderful lovely hindsight), seeing
those boys should have made me happy: a nice pair, nice
clothes, happiness… Instead I was Invidia incarnate.
Again referring to the ancients, the Romans considered
envy in others as a measurement of personal success!
In a way, I suppose, having people be envious of you is
a bizarre form of appraisal. In saying this, being envious
was one thing, being hateful was entirely another. Being
looked upon with too much envy was to be under the
gaze of the “evil eye” – something to be feared and
avoided.
Now I love books, especially the ones with a bit of
drama, and nothing juices out a plot line than a bit of
envy and betrayal. Laced with both of these things, one
of my favourite stories is The Count of Monte Cristo –
envy at its most vindictive.
In the story, despite being a common sailor from a
poor background, Edmond Dantes has good fortune
and lives a happy life, until he is betrayed by his best
friend, Fernand Mondego, the son of a count and heir
to a fortune because, despite his decadent lifestyle, he is
dissatisfied with his existence.
Edmond: “Why are you doing this?”
Fernand: “Because you are the son of a clerk! And I
am not supposed to want to be you! Beware, my lord, of
jealousy! It is the green-eyed monster which doth mock
the meat it feeds on!”
38
Envy is frequently likened to a sort of disease – an infection of the
heart and mind. While looking through eyes corrupted by envy, pleasure
cannot be taken in one’s own accomplishments, fortune or reality.”
Another beauty is the Shakespearian play, Othello.
Having played Othello in high school, I can safely say
jealousy and envy didn’t exactly work out for him – or
his wife (that was my first onstage murder). While envy
and jealousy make for a ripping tale, frighteningly, these
stories are not so farfetched that they couldn’t be real.
Bart and Lisa, Chris and Meg and, more realistically,
me and Ben (my brother) – no one understands envy
like siblings. Envy in the form of sibling rivalry not
only begins before the age of reason and awareness,
but it comes so naturally that, for years, it’s barely
recognisable.
I always thought my brother drove me nuts. I’m sure
he thought the same. And it’s certainly not a new thing.
Yet again, I am including another Biblical reference –
the story of Cain and Abel, the sons of Adam and Eve.
Long story short, Abel was God’s favourite and, out
of jealously, Cain took him out, not only committing
the first fratricide, but the first murder. As far as the
Bible is concerned, Abel was the first human to die and
Cain was the first murderer. Envy created murder.
While my brother and I have never plotted against
each other to such a degree (yet) each of us are always
referring to ourselves as the “favourite”. Jokingly, of
course. And though we are both adults now and get
along great, as soon as we are in the presence of our
mother, it begins.
At first, we are just “being funny”, then it descends
into snappy comments, sarcasm and blatant and
unnecessary arguing. Why? Though our mother
never raised us in competition with each other, we are
brothers. Human nature says we should fight for our
mother’s affection.
It’s okay though. At the end of the day I know I am
still the favourite. Still, siblings and parents should
always be wary of the green eyed beast.
One of my favourite manifestations of envy is
schadenfreude. Not only because I love the way it
sounds but because I can understand it. Translating
from German into “joyful damage”, schadenfreude
means to take pleasure in the misfortune of others.
Don’t deny it, we have all felt it. To watch someone
you envy fail, is disturbingly satisfying. Scientific studies
in the field of neurology have proven by means of brain
scanning and MRI’s that schadenfreude exists.
Manifesting as waves of stimulation in the pleasure
centre of the brain upon watching someone else fail, it
makes us all a bit sinful. Though it may go unnoticed,
our society is deeply saturated with schadenfreude.
Remember when Britney had a meltdown and
shaved off her hair? Remember when Tori Spelling
went a bit far on the ol’ collagen fillers? Or when Lady
Gaga tripped over her ridiculous heels?
And think about the on-going 65 million-year-old
drama between Brad, Angelina and Jennifer? We love
to hate these people. I, for one, love to hate Justin
Bieber. Celebrities are mounted on these pedestals
not only so we can idolise them, but so we can enjoy
watching them fall.
Women’s’ magazines feed on the misery of others
and, by extension, are based on schadenfreude. Joyful
damage sells. Yet still we inadvertently model our idea
of perfection on them. Still we envy their white teeth,
big breasts, hourglass figures, bulging muscles and
designer clothing.
Envy and schadenfreude is a cyclic trap between the
envious and the envied. And to think, schadenfreude
is but one result of envy. Revenge, spite, hatred, scorn,
contempt: all of the worst of human nature that has
repeatedly caused pain and suffering throughout
human history, leads back to the poison roots of envy.
Envy is sinful. Envy is bitter. Envy is destructive.
We know this, yet envy is evidently and undeniably
part of human nature. To be envied is somewhat of a
compliment. However, to be hated for your own good
fortune, is miserable.
Though it can act as a driver for personal success,
hateful competition driven by envy is horrendously
detrimental to both parties. The goddess, Invidia was
recognised as the essence of self-consumption, selfdestruction and self-inflicted sickness – as is envy as an
emotion.
Throughout history, religion and literature, envy
has led to suffering and misery. Count Mondego and
Othello certainly didn’t live happily ever after.
Admittedly, for the briefest of moments, I wanted
one of those men I met on the street, if not both, to
choke on their ice-cream stick. “Don’t be so callous,” I
told myself. “Just be happy for them.” I caught one of
their eyes and just managed a smile.
When I got home, frostbitten, hungry, and single and completely underdressed for any public outings of
any kind - I found one last Mint Slice in my fridge. Being
happy for others in their happiness brings happiness to
you – or at least the odd chocolate biscuit.
39
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MASSIVE FEATURE
40
Kingseat psych hospital …
a haunting experience
Is Kingseat, Auckland’s old psychiatric hospital, haunted? After
investigating the hospital’s spooky attractions, Anna Tabrum and
Tayla Rea ask whether the past might be better left alone.
Kingseat, a former psychiatric hospital in rural Karaka,
south of Auckland, is famous for being one of New
Zealand’s most notoriously haunted locations.
Since its opening in 1929, many stories have
circulated of tormented souls sent out there away
from civilisation, and carers who went as mad as their
patients.
There are hundreds of claims of paranormal activity
existing between the walls of the buildings, and in the
shadowy surrounding grounds: phones and doorbells
ringing with no one there, lights flickering when turned
off, objects moving around the house and falling off
shelves, and ghosts of the former patients and nurses
wandering around the building.
Driving to the grounds in Karaka, an overwhelming
sense of heaviness plagued us both. We thought at
numerous points we must be there already, but ventured
further and further into the quiet countryside.
At first we thought we might just be winding
ourselves up, but there was a definite uneasiness about
the place. The grounds are huge, and we felt like we’d
just driven into the set of Hollywood film Shutter
Island. Old rickety buildings were dispersed across a
large expanse of land.
An old windy road led us around these decrepit
frameworks and the huge grounds towards the nurses’
home.
Those who visit Kingseat now come at night time.
During the day the place seemed creepier; we could see
the dusty windows and run-down buildings and we got
a sense of what daily life was like for those who were
deemed “unwell” enough to go to the hospital.
Part of the old hospital grounds is now home to
Spookers, a popular haunted attraction which opened
eight years ago. We were able to look around both the
attractions and the parts of the nurses hostel that are
closed off to the public.
The Spookers experience is a night of terrors
involving lights, music, and actors that leap out at
walkers by in old houses, forests, and a large cornfield.
The macabre blood and zombies are scary, but the most
chilling feature of Spookers lies in its history.
“The Grey Nurse” is one of Kingseat’s most infamous
apparitions. Legend has it she was among many staff
who committed suicide at the institution due to
unbearable working conditions.
There are small rooms attached to the main hallway
in the nurses’ hostel. These rooms are now mostly used
for Spookers storage, and old hospital equipment.
Apparently, a common rule among the workers at
Spookers is to not look behind you when you are in this
space: you don’t know what you’ll see behind you.
Mark Wallbank from Haunted Auckland has
conducted many investigations at Kingseat with his
team. Though he said he couldn’t confirm or deny
whether there is actual haunted activity going on at
Kingseat, he highlighted an incident where the Haunted
Auckland team managed to have communication with
something.
Using EMF - electromagnetic frequency machines
- they noticed “amazing energy” in the nurses’ hostel.
During their investigations, they asked questions and
said that they got immediate responses.
According to Wallbank, there were odd temperature
fluctuations, anomalies and energy balls in a place
where there was no power.
Darren Mair, an employee at Spookers who has been
there for seven years, told us that plenty of the staff and
customers had seen suspicious things happen in the
years that he has been working in the old nurses hostel.
“We have had people see shadows. We have had
people think that they see figures.
“Yesterday one of our actors said that he was sure
there was someone walk out of the make-up room
while he was down there. We’ve had the alarms go off,
the cameras have been set off, as you walk through some
parts of the attractions you do sort of get a bit of an
eerie feeling.
And even we get it, the ones of us that have been here
a long time.”
Though Darren says he is “more of a sceptic”, he also
said: “We get the building blessed every now and then,
so it’s just peace of mind for the staff and the customers
as well. The staff say that things start to play up every
now and then.”
The creepiest room for both of us was “the baby
room”. While other rooms displayed gory scenes of
butchered and bloody people, this room was pretty
simple, set up with a small wooden baby’s crib and a
few other pieces of old, cracked furniture. Immediately
upon entry we felt weird - a conflicting mixture of
heaviness and nausea.
Darren told us about some freaky stuff that had gone
down in that room. One time, two of the workers at
Spookers said they had witnessed the crib violently
shaking before flying over to the other side of the room.
Another worker had felt physically sick when they
entered the room and had to leave urgently to vomit.
On Wednesday July 28 1999, Kingseat was shut
down and the last patients were moved to a mental
health unit on Bairds road. The hospital operated for
years with multiple reported cases of mistreatment. So
what now?
The New Zealand Herald reported in January that
there are plans to change the old hospital into 450
homes. However, there is strong opposition from those
that say the place has historical value and needs to be
kept for heritage.
Those who dispute this say that the history of
Kingseat is not something that many want to remember.
What we do know is that many people enjoy going to
Spookers, and some even choose the location to get
married in.
It appears, at this stage, that Kingseat will remain for
some time.
We left the nurses hostel and Kingseat feeling slightly
spooked but, mostly, just sad. What had happened to
people here? After hearing the stories and reading the
facts, we definitely felt some bad vibes lingering round
Spookers and the ground.
One of us felt a hand on our back as we were leaving.
So we stopped on the way out and washed our hands,
as is the tradition in Maoridom, to wash away the tapu
of the place.
Whatever was left behind from what had happened
there was not coming with us.
41
The most chilling feature of Spookers lies in its history. “The Grey
Nurse” is one of Kingseat’s most infamous apparitions. Legend has it she
was among many staff who committed suicide at the institution
due to unbearable working conditions.
67 years of abuse
Kingseat has a history of numerous patients, adults and
children, going missing while in care during its 67 years
of operation.
It is located way out in the middle of nowhere. It is
away from the sight of people, suburbs and settlements,
and far from people’s consciences.
Bruce Charles Mitchell, a teenage patient at Kingseat,
in 1967 walked away from the hospital and was never
seen again. No body was recovered, however Bruce’s
death certificate reportedly indicated he had drowned.
Disturbingly, and unknown to the rest of New
Zealand, similar disappearances have happened far too
frequently. Several former nurses at the hospital talk of
patients wandering aimlessly into the mangroves, and
sinking below the water, never to be seen again.
One former nurse claims a patient who went missing
one night, was found hanging by their bed sheets in the
entranceway trees the next day.
Psychiatric hospitals of this era have faced many
allegations that patients were mistreated and abused.
The case of 11 year old Clement Matthews which
was reported by the New Zealand Herald on June 19
2004, is one of nearly 200 abuse cases against Kingseat.
Fellow patient and friend Stephen Lindsay claims he
saw Matthews “grabbed around the neck by a staff nurse
and wrenched to the ground”.
Then the nurse, he says, “delivered the emphatic
blow, a stiff kick to Matthews back”. Lindsay had heard
a snap and known it was Matthews’ back.
MASSIVE FEATURE
42
ADAPT OR DAI
That swag, that sultry voice, that cheeky grin, that slight stature
and that delicious set of facial hair. On the release of Dai Henwood’s
upcoming DVD Adapt or Dai, Sasha Borissenko has a chat to one of New
Zealand’s most loveable funny guys.
Tell me a little bit about your name - it seems a little
morbid and ironic for a comedian.
Yes, well David is my full name, and the appropriate
Welsh abbreviation of that is Dai. The only time it had
gone awry is when I was being interviewed by this guy
who was from a magazine who had really got the wrong
end of the stick and thought I was from the band Die
Die Die. We got half way through the interview and he
honestly goes, “so I see you’ve just done a tour of Tokyo,
what is that like being in a New Zealand four-piece
band?” I was like, “what are you talking about dude?”
He goes, “you’re the dude from Die Die Die, aren’t you,
eh?” I said, “No.” He goes, “Oh hey, um, I’m going to
have to finish this interview, the artwork has just been
printed, and do you think you could pretend you are
from Die Die Die?”
Were you offended?
Not at all actually, I found it to be quite humourous.
You would think you would have to do a minimal
amount of research. He got the complete wrong end of
the stick but having an unusual name has always been a
positive for me. There was no one at school called Dai,
I mean obviously you get hassled. I got called “Princess
Dai”. But I think it gives you a point of uniqueness.
You studied eastern religion and theatre at
university, tell me a bit about that?
I’ve always been fascinated with Buddhism and
so forth and the reason why people believe. A big
thing in my new DVD is there are really only two
types of people in this world. There’s constructive and
destructive, regardless of what religion or race you are,
so you’ve really just got to be on the constructive side of
things and you will be sweet. I’m an atheist but I have
complete respect for everyone else’s religion, whatever
floats your boat.
Tell me about being the gadget man on TV3
Sunrise, RIP?
I am neither that now, nor is that show on now either.
Quite sad really. The iPhone is definitely my favourite
gadget. There have been a lot of other gadgets in my
life, other phones and so forth, but I find myself always
using that elixir of life because it’s always on me.
Not the magic bullet?
No [laughs]. It’s a surprise because I have heard that
thang is awfully handy.
You are from Wellington originally, why on earth
have you ventured yonder to Auckland?
I’m from the ghetto originally. They don’t make TV
in Wellington, I’m afraid. I had to turn to the darkside.
I love Auckland, its primo. It’s hot, the streets are paved
with gold, there are beaches, and it’s amazing. I love
Auckland as much as I love Wellington. It’s all the same.
I have the scoop: why was your under 7’s childhood
rugby team so piss poor? Was it down to your poor
ability or your dad’s poor coaching?
[Laughs] Well I scored 31 tries for that side. It was
really down to a general lack of skill, and you can’t coach
horses to play rugby. My dad gave it a go. I was always in
the bad rugby team. Where on earth did you hear that?
I can’t reveal my source, I’m afraid.
How long does it take to grow that extraordinary
set of facial hair?
Between three and five days, depending on the
humidity. If I was ginger and could grow a beard I
would fully embrace it.
You are of the wee disposition, have you ever
suffered from short man syndrome?
I have you know I have never thought of myself as
short, until I worked on Seven Days and two of my
colleagues are above 6 foot 4. I am perfect in every way.
Have you ever had a romantic encounter with
Jeremy Corbett?
No, I’ve tried. We’ve never been able to sort our
timing. He is really bad at timing his Viagra dosage. So
he’ll be on a plan and he’ll be raging hard, but when he
needs to be on form he’s the soft soldier.
43
MASSIVE FEATURE
44
“There was no one at school called Dai, I mean obviously you get hassled.
I got called “Princess Dai”. But I think it gives you a point of uniqueness.”
Is there a pressure to be funny all of the time?
Yes sort of, well, it’s my job so I would say there
definitely is. But naturally I’m funny when I’m in a
good mood and I’m often in a good mood. But there’s
an expectation for sure.
How would you describe New Zealand comedy at
the moment?
It’s the best it’s ever been. There are so many good
comedians out there and the reason why they’re good
is there are so many opportunities - there are so many
more shows, there is a lot more comedy on TV, so
newbies have the option to get real experience and get
really good fast. Audiences really trust comedians these
days so they are much more willing to sit there and
enjoy it.
What do you think of that awkward-New Zealand
style comedy?
I wouldn’t classify myself in that boat but,
occasionally at rural gigs, it gets a bit awkward. You
know, you’ve got your weird sort of mix of rural pig
hunters and there are people from town and they are all
a bit...awkward. [Laughs] But generally Kiwis are happy
in their own skin.
What’s your worst crowd/awkward moment?
Beer festivals, because everyone is getting on it,
standing up and not really paying attention [laughs]. It
makes it a very hard gig. Probably the worst moment
was being on stage in Edinburgh in a room of really
pissed people who thought they were at a different
show. Halfway through, 34 of the 36 people walked out
and there was one old guy left and I said, “Why are you
here?” And he said, “I went to school with your mum.”
I don’t think I will ever have a more awkward moment
than that.
How do you prepare for a gig - do you get nervous?
I like a bit of time by myself or talking to the other
comics and talk shit. I always get nervous. I think
nerves are one of the best feelings a human can have
because it puts you on edge. When I first started out I
used to throw up, but now the right amount of nerves
tend to keep me on point.
This is a bit crass, but who would you kill, bang or
marry, out of Ben Hurley, Steve Wrigley and Jesse
Griffin:
That’s a hard one. I would probably marry Steve
because he’s just so loveable. It would be like marrying
candyfloss. Then I would probably fuck and kill both of
the others in one big orgy rampage. This is a really weird
question. I don’t know how I would kill them because
I’m not really into killing people, to be honest.
Who is the best celebrity in NZ?
Ben Lummis, because he was on NZ Idol back in the
day and I think he was one of the first celebrities to fully
commit to cornrows.
Who is the worst NZ celebrity?
I would have to say Paul Ego because his shirts are
just too offensive on the eye.
Sweet or savoury?
Sweet, Lindt 85 per cent cocoa chocolate.
Most awkward experience with a groupie?
I don’t really get groupies, that’s the downside of
being in New Zealand but I had the most awkward
experience with someone following me around the
supermarket. They came up to me and said, “Hey Rhys
Darby, can I please have your autograph.” I don’t know
if it said more about me or them because Rhys and I
look extremely different.
Worst date?
I was 12 years-old and I took a girl to the movies
and I was too scared to put my arm around her. I tried
half way through and I got my arm jammed in between
the seats. I was too scared to try and get it out. It went
completely numb and after the movie she had to help
me pry my arm out.
You must have been quite the ladies’ man if you
were going out on dates at age 12.
Ab-so-lute-ly.
Dai Henwood’s new DVD Adapt or Dai features a
live stand up performance and hilarious commentary.
MASSIVE has three copies to giveaway! Check out
our giveaways’ section to find out how to enter.
46
Journey into the Unknown
Studying abroad can contribute to many life experiences and
memories. At Massey, you can do it. KaraJane Chapman tells her story.
With the heat from the sun bearing down upon me,
I stand at the lookout point with 8km of hard slog
behind me and gaze up at the ancient, ochre-stained
crags of Burrunggui.
Reverence spreads from my heart down: Kakadu
National Park has received me as a guest and I begin to
feel the heartbeat of the wetlands resonating with my
own.
The Australian outback, from its wetlands to its semiarid deserts, teems with a life force that I had not been
able to imagine prior to embarking on my study abroad
programme under the guidance of Lee Stoner, Dan
Wadsworth (Massey University) and Mikell Gleason
(University of Georgia).
I’d been studying in isolation - as a distance student
of Massey University - for four years and this was to
be my last course as an undergraduate student. Global
Health: The Importance of Sustainability had promised
to offer me the chance to experience some of the natural
wonders of Australia and share with the indigenous
guardians of the land their experiences, their histories
and their present struggles within post-modern society.
I felt privileged to share this experience with a group
of 17 other students and three lecturers, as we journeyed
thousands of kilometres across the continent.
The course delivered its promises. The group met
in Sydney and friendships developed quickly. The
alliance between Massey University and the University
of Georgia allowed us all to explore an assessment
framework with which few of us were acquainted.
We met the challenges with enthusiasm. The
Facebook photos of the Great Barrier Reef and Uluru
that provoked envy in my workmates back home belied
the work we encountered as we travelled: we worked
from dawn until dusk. But the work was enjoyable.
Finally, I had the chance to synthesize my readings
with the natural and manmade settings from which
those readings were derived.
Biology, sociology, psychology, ecology,
and
anthropology came to life for us as we swam with sea
turtles amidst undersea forests on the Great Barrier
Reef, hiked across the rocks of Ubirr to experience a
collective shiver of awe as we saw the sun settle over
the billabongs at Kakadu and listened, with tears in
our eyes, to a brave lady in Katherine who relayed her
mother’s experiences as one of the many indigenous
children of the “Stolen Generation” who were ripped
from their families in the early twentieth century
as successive Australian governments attempted to
“whiten” our indigenous foremothers and forefathers.
As we worked on debates, integrated essays and
digital stories, our learning experiences began to
weave together an intricate portrait of the path of
self-destruction that consumerism and exploitation of
people and natural resources is leading us down.
The injustices of Australian governmental policy
angered us; we felt indignation as we listened to
the struggles being waged in Australian society by
indigenous factions, most of it concealed in the tabloid
newspapers in the cities as the mumblings of a few
malcontents rather than the cries for justice of the
people who have protected their lands for 50,000 years.
We saw evidence of the brutality of governments
past and present in Australia’s museums, in the voices
of its indigenous elders and in the tiny communities
we travelled through. I couldn’t find an apple to buy in
Jabiru, and I found myself forced to subsist on processed
foods that are the staple of the diets of the people who
live in these impoverished areas.
After three days in Jabiru I wanted to tap out and run
home where I knew I could gorge myself on all of the
fish, fruits and vegetables I wanted. I was lethargic, my
memory was faltering and I struggled to listen to our
guest speakers. I needed the comfort of my nutrientrich diet!
The indigenous peoples of Australia’s remote
communities do not have that option. The reality of
this situation distressed me. That distress, I realised as I
gazed up at Burrunggui, should stay with me for the rest
of my life. It will be an important factor in reminding
me of the difficult work ahead of me.
Students who choose to study abroad should
expect to be pushed out of their comfort zones. You
might face long hours of study, methods of assessment
which completely contradict your own perceptions
of the means by which learning should be measured,
extreme climates, physically challenging field work and
a reworking of your world views at cultural crossroads.
In a sense, studying abroad is an intrepid journey.
It’s an adventure and a privilege. You’ll see natural
wonders, you’ll marvel at the ingenuity of the people
who have built lives around their ecological surrounds,
and you may be lucky enough to confront your own
preconceptions of normality.
No textbook will allow you these experiences. For
me, the most valuable lesson I took home from my study
abroad programme was this: there exists knowledge
beyond our grasping.
There are questions that we will never be able to
answer. We might never really know what the rock
paintings at Kakadu “mean.” We might sense the
spiritual undertones of the past integrated with the
present around Uluru even if we can’t understand them.
And that’s okay.
The westernised conception of knowledge as being
something that is “out there” to be discovered, grasped,
studied and manipulated may not be applicable to all
contexts and to all cultures.
By stepping out of my comfort zone, I was able to
fully understand the responsibility that transcends all
notions of individual nationality: the responsibility
that we as human beings have to each other and to the
biosphere which sustains us.
We can read about these things, and intellectually
we can understand them, but we cannot feel them, we
cannot know them, until we are immersed in them.
Studying abroad allows us to do this.
For a brief period, we leave the comforts of the cities
and we step out into the unknown.
48
Leo Bertos: Striking Ambition
Long-standing Phoenix and All White midfielder/right winger Leo
Bertos has achieved the status of a Kiwi soccer idol. Josh Berry talks
to him about the All Whites’ chances at World Cup qualification, and
the state of New Zealand’s soccer.
Footsteps clatter against the cold, hard footpath as I
wait outside a popular inner-city cafe.
The clock reads 2:32pm. As I look around in
anticipation for Leo Bertos’ arrival, people scurry along
the street amid lines of traffic, scavenging pigeons and
a lone parking warden dishing out scrolls of contempt.
At 2:35pm a pearly white Audi coupe sifts down the
narrow street, parallel-parking adjacent my viewpoint.
A cool, calm and collected Bertos steps out effortlessly
from the driver-side door, his motion fluent and
contradictory to the on-going of the busy afternoon.
I introduce myself to him with a handshake, only to
be disrupted by a sudden yell from the nearby Cuba
Street Fruit Mart.
“Hey Leo, can I get autograph, yes!?” the store owner
bellows unashamedly.
Bertos smiles and pays tribute to the devotee by
giving him a few minutes of his time.
As he exits the store amid a colourful array of
seasonal fruit I ask, “You must get a bit of that around
here huh?”
“Haha it’s all a part of it!” he replies gleefully. “The
dude had a whole wall of signatures, it was hard case –
he tried to offer me free bananas and stuff [laughs].”
Bertos’ humble regard for fans and followers is an
important characteristic of the footballer’s star power.
In addition, the feats achieved throughout his long
football career are admirable for a player emerging from
a small nation like New Zealand.
Born and raised in Wellington, New Zealand, Bertos
took to the game from an early age.
“As soon as I could walk my dad and my granddad
threw a football in front of me,” he explains.
“I guess with my European background it was their
passion, you know.”
After joining his first football team at the Miramar
Rangers, aged five, Bertos quickly rose above his peers
with skills attained from early days enjoying the game
with family.
“I think, through their passion, I inherited that – it
was just in my blood I guess.”
As a teenager he was lucky to receive extensive
coaching from the late Jim McMullan, a mentor who
had also helped All White legend Wynton Rufer reach
his football dreams.
Bertos believes this one-on-one coaching was
responsible for his advancement in his early playing
days.
“For some reason this coach saw something in me so
I stuck with it and did everything he asked me to do – if
it wasn’t for that I don’t know where I would’ve ended
up,” he says.
“I think it wasn’t until I got toward the end of college
when I started playing in national age group teams and
secondary school teams against Australia that I realised
I was good.”
Once high school was out of the way Bertos decided
to pursue his dream of becoming a professional
footballer by heading overseas.
Through connections with his good mate Chris
Killen, Bertos made the decision to head to Britain
and start trialling for foreign teams, leading to his
involvement as a player with several clubs.
“The tricky thing was, there wasn’t anything in New
Zealand at the time – no professional clubs, no nothing.
I had a few good friends in the same position, a couple
of them decided to do the scholarship stuff through the
states and play football for a college while studying.
“I wasn’t the best at studying and I didn’t really want
to do that anymore – I wanted more of a direct football
route, and that meant Europe.”
However an opportunity to live and play
professionally in his homeland got the better of him in
2008 when he signed on with the Wellington Phoenix.
Since then he hasn’t looked back.
Bertos’ long stint in the game has seen him witness
the triumphs and tribulations of many professional
49
“I don’t want to jinx us but this year is going to be a lot better
for us than last year – I think it will be a good year.”
sporting clubs. None more so than with New Zealand’s
singular Hyundai A-League franchise, the Wellington
Phoenix.
Prior to the 2011/2012 season, then-owner Terry
Serepisos experienced financial difficulties in his
personal and professional life; at the end of 2011, it was
announced he had dissolved his ownership of the club.
The club’s license and ownership were passed onto a
consortium of Wellington businessman including highprofile businessmen such as Gareth Morgan.
This led to setbacks within the team environment.
“I think that the process of the change affected
everything a little bit and I think it has taken a little bit
of time for everything to come together,” Bertos says.
“Change of owners, change of bosses and changes
player wise for us – it’s not a bad thing. It’s just waiting
for it all to come together.
“I’m sort of getting the feeling now that it slowly is,
and at the moment there is a really good buzz around
the club, on the field as well as off it.”
Despite these disturbances Bertos recently signed on
for another year further reinforcing his commitment
toward the club’s development and future endeavours.
“I’ve signed on for a year with the option for another
one,” Bertos says. “Hopefully I can stay injury free now
and play well, if I can keep playing well the club is keen
to keep me on board.
“The potential of this club is massive for me.”
Meanwhile, the franchise has seen new strategies and
youth development initiatives set up to further enhance
the club’s chance of future success in the Hyundai
A-league.
“I don’t want to jinx us but this year is going to be a
lot better for us then last year – I think it will be a good
year,” Bertos says.
On the national front he is optimistic about the All
Whites ability to qualify for the 2014 FIFA World
Cup in Brazil. He believes the team has the right mix
to bask in similar glory to the 2010 World Cup, which
saw the national team go through pool play undefeated,
including a draw with defending champions Italy.
“It’s never easy getting to a tournament like this,
Brazil would be unreal,” he exclaims.
“The focus is on getting there first, and hopefully we
can do that.”
“When the final groups are announced and we
find out who we will be playing against, then we can
probably target how to play against certain teams to get
results to go through.”
Having the underdog status can elude opposition
teams, an occurrence which elevated the All Whites
success in the previous World Cup, he says.
“I think that people took us lightly, they thought it
was an easy win for them.”
“Coming in with the same frame of mind, with
nothing to lose, there is no fear because we’re always
going to be underdogs in a tournament like this anyway.”
With the All Whites “big two” qualifying matches
looming, there is much anticipation for a repeat of
2009’s success. If current ticket sales are anything to go
by, there is a good chance that Westpac Stadium will be
at full capacity come November 20.
“I definitely think we will sell-out, everyone has great
memories of that last game [2009 World Cup qualifier]
which was a full house, white-out and winning the
game and getting through.
“Hopefully we can keep the feeling alive, it does
give you a massive buzz when you’re playing out there
especially when the fans are behind you – it’s cool man.”
Bertos is confident about the opportunities being
created for upcoming players.
“We need to make sure we’ve got this academy
[Wellington Phoenix Academy] running, and running
well,” he says.
“Because there are a lot of kids playing, man, a lot
of kids playing football – it would be great for them to
have an opportunity to play at home so they don’t have
to do what I did.
“It’s not quite there yet but the wheels are in motion.”
As far as his own involvement with the game goes, he
is content staying in New Zealand and continuing to
help advance the country’s football.
“Wellington will always be home for me, I’m lucky
I’ve done something I love my whole life,” he says.
“Football, it is fun, but when it becomes your job
and it’s really results-based, it can be really demanding
and tiring and you need something else to take your
focus off.
“Maybe with the development stuff happening at the
Phoenix now they’re starting to target the academy and
junior stuff you know – so there is potential there for a
career but we’ll see, we’ll look into that, eh!
“Hopefully I’ll be coaching your kids, mate!”
MASSIVE FEATURE
50
STRANGER IN A STRANGE LAND
Life can be hard, but it can be a lot harder for those with Asperger’s
Syndrome . Massey librarian Jamie Sharpe, explains how it affects him
and his life.
“Now Jamie, I want you to draw a picture of your
family,” the child psychologist said.
I was 10 years old, and my parents definitely knew
there was something wrong with me - hence the child
psychologist. I drew mum and dad, and my little
brother Luke, and proudly showed her my picture.
“Isn’t there something wrong with it?” she asked. The
picture looked fine to me, but I had a good look again,
just to be sure. “What do you mean?” I said. “Well,
where are you in the picture?”
Even back then, it felt like I didn’t belong anywhere
or to anybody.
Flash-forward to me aged 37. It is Saturday morning
at the local flea market I go to every week. There is a
little girl screaming and crying so hard her cheeks are
bright red, her hands are clamped tightly over her ears.
She calms a bit when her grandmother picks her up,
and quietens down a lot as she is walked away from the
market - out of the danger zone - and back towards her
comfort zone. Someone commented: “we don’t know
how lucky we are, do we?”
Poor little girl. I know how she feels: total sensory
overload. God, autism is a bitch. The hands over her ears
mean she was desperately trying to block out what was
outside her mind: too many people! Too much noise!
I’m lucky I’m not that hypersensitive, but I do still
have autism.
Let me try and describe it. Have you ever been in a
situation where you are in danger? Imagine you are in a
foreign city, maybe it’s late at night, you are by yourself,
lost, and you don’t know how to get home.
That’s scary isn’t it? That’s how it feels for me to
have Autism: everything is outside my comfort zone.
I’ve got no peace of mind, just anxiety, loneliness and
confusion. And then there’s the disconnectedness I feel,
even when I’m in company I’m slightly lonely.
Don’t get me wrong, I do have friends, but any kind
of relationship is difficult for me. It was only last year,
aged 36, that I finally managed to go overseas for the
first time.
My trip to Hawaii was so awesome, and not at all
as scary as I’d thought going overseas would be, that
this year I’ve already planned a bigger trip for a whole
month - to Los Angeles, Las Vegas and then Mexico.
Anything outside my usual routines or comfort zone
really upsets me: my first reaction when I get invited to
a party is one of fear. I’ve done it so many times now
that I know it will turn out fine, but it has taken me a
long, long time to get to that point.
Conversation requires a great deal of concentration
on my part, otherwise I’m worried I’ll say something
awkward and really embarrass myself. I used to just shun
socialising entirely, but I’ve gotten a lot better over the
past five years or so.
Life takes place totally inside my own mind, whereas
non-autistic people need to converse and interact with
others, my imagination and inner monologue keep
me company. Really I’d prefer to be in the company of
animals. Cats and dogs are better friends to me than
people - they are so much easier for me to understand,
and have never hurt me like humans have.
I didn’t move out of home until I was 28, and then
lived by myself on a farm for five years. By the end of my
time living alone I was so desperately bored and lonely
I’d down a whole bottle of wine by myself on Friday
night - I think my record was one bottle of awful, cheap
Pak N’ Save $7 wine in 20 minutes.
Committing protracted suicide with alcohol is a hole
I could easily fall into if I’m not careful and somehow,
I’ve managed to avoid drugs. I’ve never, ever done them,
which is good, as I seriously don’t think I would still be
here now if I had ever seriously gotten into recreational
chemicals.
This thing I’ve got - Autism, or Asperger’s Syndrome
to be precise - has taken me a very long time to come to
terms with. It’s something I’ve hidden from the world.
I’ve never had a discussion with my workmates about it,
though I’ve worked at the library for a full 10 years, and
my colleagues have become like a second family to me.
My flatmate doesn’t know about it. And I’ve never
even talked about it with my parents, though of course
they have known I was different since I was a baby, and
were with me when I was finally, correctly diagnosed
with having Asperger’s when I was 17.
Finally just before my 36th birthday last year, I sat
down and had a beer with my little brother, and we
talked for the first time about what it is that I’ve got.
I love my brother; he has always really cared about me,
even when I was a teenager and the only two words I
would speak to him were “fuck” and “off ”.
Don’t worry: I apologized to him once before for
treating him so badly when we were growing up. He told
me then that he has never held it against me, and that he
is a better person for having me as his big brother.
At the end of last year I also finally talked to my
best friend Matt about what is wrong with my mind. I
should mention that Matt and I have been friends since
we met in kindergarten (no shit!), so it’s going on 33
years that we’ve known each other.
It’s easy for me to hang out with Matt as I’m so used
to his company - comfort zone, remember - and he
knows what to expect from me in return. We play music
together, him on guitar, me on drums.
My drumming ability seems to come out of nowhere
- I only got my drum kit when I was 34 – but, while I can
coordinate all four limbs with precision and accuracy
when playing, my sporting ability is practically nil.
As a child I was always last in the running races, and
always picked last for the teams in PE. It’s something
to do with hand-eye coordination. I remember thinking
when I was running that I was going very fast, but
people told me it looked like I was just jogging.
Having no sporting background has exacerbated my
social problems throughout my life.
So how did I end up in the psychologist’s office
when I was 10? Well, when I was about 18 months old
I started to flap my hands in front of myself whenever
I was happy or excited. And as I grew older the hand
flapping was accompanied by me jumping up and down
on the spot, flapping at the same time.
51
I’m an extreme daydreamer. I live in an autistic fantasy world, not
ever quite fully connected with the world around me. In my head I’m a
drummer in a band or a famous actor, not a boring library assistant.
I did these stereotyped physical movements as a kind
of physical release. My mind is racing 24 hours a day,
and it feels like I need to do something to relieve that
agitated feeling.
Other physical things people with autism may
do include rocking backwards and forwards, pacing
nervously (especially on the spot), and basically any
kind of physical exercise.
When I was seven my parents bought me a birthday
present that changed my life - a trampoline. From that
point on my jumping up and down and hand flapping
was replaced by me jumping up and down on that
tramp for at least two hours a day. The acrobatic side of
it never appealed to me; just bouncing up and down in
soothing monotony suited me fine.
I’m an extreme daydreamer. I live in an autistic
fantasy world, not ever quite fully connected with the
world around me. In my head I’m a drummer in a band
or a famous actor, not a boring library assistant.
I’ve only recently rediscovered physical exercise,
which has been a big part of my recovery from a major
depressive episode I had last year.
My mother said that when I was a little kid, she used
to watch me literally, physically push other kids away if
they came near me (I have no memory of this), which
brought her to tears.
Unlike a lot of children with autism, I didn’t have
a big problem making friends and I’ve always seemed
to attract people to me, though I haven’t always
reciprocated. Mum says when I had other kids around
to play, I’d always need to get away from them and have
a break by myself, just reading in my room or something.
Social interactions can feel very intense to me. Being
outside my normal routines and surroundings was
extremely painful when I was a kid. Twice I was staying
over at a friends’ house and had to be collected in the
middle of the night. I became hysterical being away
from my parents and my own bed.
School camps were the worst- pure emotional torture!
This problem of me not wanting to stay anywhere, as
well as my other odd behaviour, led me to see the child
psychologist and, though she didn’t officially diagnose
me with anything at that stage, she did clearly tell my
parents that I had “autistic traits”.
My trampolining continued through my childhood
and into my teen years. School was always a trial for
me. Even now, I occasionally have nightmares that I am
back in a classroom, feeling awkward and out of place.
When I got to my fifth form year, I started to feel
different, autism was taking a hold of me and my first
major depressive episode began. I could feel myself
going downhill from the beginning of the year,
suppressing my emotions, not telling anyone how I was
feeling.
My parents were encouraging me to do extracurricular activities (martial arts, music, swimming),
which I no longer enjoyed, and school was stressing me
much more than usual.
There was a girl I was in love/obsessed with, and I
had no idea how to talk to her. Finally, not long after
my 16th birthday, it all became too much for me, my
mind just switched off one night while I was preparing
a speech for the next day, and I didn’t go back to school
the next day, or ever again.
Then began my slow recovery from depression,
sitting at home watching TV mostly, when I should
have been out and about doing normal teenage things.
Mum pestered the mental health authorities until, when
I was 17, I was interviewed by a distinguished professor
of child psychiatry at Starship Children’s Hospital.
After my mother had her chance with the professor,
telling him about my obsessive trampolining and
juvenile hand flapping, it was my turn to be interviewed.
This consultation lasted for about 20 minutes, and went
something like this:
“Do you have a girlfriend Jamie?”
“No”.
“And I understand you’re an animal lover.”
“Yes”.
“What do you want to do with your life?”
“Be a writer”.
“Have you written anything?”
“No”.
He confirmed I had Asperger’s Syndrome, which
was quite a new condition in 1993. Asperger’s wasn’t
officially recognized as being a mental disorder until the
early 90’s. And now with the publication of the latest
DSM-V (the handbook of the American Psychological
Association), Asperger’s is being taken out again.
The reason for this, is that it has been decided that
Asperger’s is basically autism, just in a less severe form.
Autism is spoken of as being a spectrum; Asperger’s
could be seen as very high functioning, whereas other
autistic people will have the same symptoms, but may
be more sensitive, and act out in more pronounced,
obvious ways - like the little girl I saw at the market.
So how do I recover fully from all these problems I
have had throughout my life?
I’m still that little boy in the psychologist’s office
trapped in the body of a grown man, approaching 40
and still dealing every day with the same shit I faced
as a child, and permanently medicated for anxiety and
depression. Life is a movie I’m watching alone in the
dark.
I’ve never had a long-term relationship, let alone
being close to getting married. That scenario has always
seemed so far away to me. Women are so hard for me to
understand. I wish I could read their minds.
Perhaps I should be with someone else with
Asperger’s or another disability? Sometimes I imagine
my life if I didn’t have autism: would I be married with
kids?
It’s highly unlikely that will ever happen, but I do
hope to one day meet a woman who at least accepts me
for who and what I am, and then I just might feel like
a real person.
MASSIVE FEATURE
52
DEWING HER THING
The lovely Kerry-Lee Dewing from Shortland Street - and former
Massey student - sat down with Tasmin Wheeler to chat about what
it’s like being on TV, the highs, the lows, and everything in between.
Shortland Street’s Kerry-Lee Dewing has always had a
passion for acting and modelling. Moving from South
Africa to Auckland 10 years ago, after graduating a
Bachelor of Business Studies, she landed an amazing
office job at Billabong. However her heart was never
fully content. One Friday, she went for another audition
and, not long after, received a call back telling her she
had secured herself a spot in the cast of Shortland Street
as nurse Kylie Brown.
Do you watch Shortland Street at home?
Not at home, but I do watch the B cuts at works,
which are like rough cuts of the episodes before they air.
Does it make you cringe seeing yourself, or are you
like, “damn, girl”?
It’s always strange watching yourself as you notice
certain gestures, mannerisms and facial expressions
you didn’t even know you were capable of [laughs]. It
never really gets any easier, but you do become more
comfortable watching yourself with time.
Before landing a spot on the show, did you use to
watch Shortland St?
I definitely saw episodes but never watched it
consistently. I’m not really much of a soap fan, not
because I don’t like them, but it’s always hit and miss
with me whether I’ll catch it one week to the next.
Talk us through how you actually got yourself on
the show. The audition process, where you saw the
audition - had you ever tried to be on the show prior
to this moment?
I got the audition for the role of Kylie through my
agent. The whole process was very fast. I was cast within
a week of auditioning and was on set the following. I
had done auditions for smaller guest roles on the show
but was very happy that they kept me in mind for a
more significant character.
In the show you recently got diagnosed with
Chlamydia. Did the producers ask you if that was OK
first, or did you just pick up your script and see it in
there and have to go along with it?
What’s in the script goes really, of course you’re
always welcome to discuss things with the writers and/
or producer, if you have concerns. For this story line, I
was a little shocked at first but, in fact as an actor, the
more challenging story lines are those that are more
interesting and rewarding to play, so really it was a great
opportunity to learn about something I knew nothing
about and bring an important subject to the public
attention.
That is so awesome for you to be so cool about it, as it
is a problem loads of people have to deal with.
Yeah, absolutely. Shortland Street tackles so many
issues that we face in our day-to-day lives. I guess if Kylie
was able to bring someone’s attention to, or educate
someone on their own problem, then it was a job well
done and a subject I’m prepared to take the slack for.
Do you feel Kylie is being portrayed as a slut on the
show through her actions, like sleeping with her best
friend’s boyfriend?
I wouldn’t say a slut. She definitely gets herself into
situations that are morally questionable, but her actions
are not planned with malicious intent; she has a kind
heart, and chooses to live spontaneously. Unfortunately
the impulse decisions and partying that accompany
such a lifestyle often lead to others being hurt along the
way.
Kylie just keeps getting herself into hot water. Can
you relate with her at all?
Kylie and I are almost polar opposites. In a way, this
makes playing her more exciting and enjoyable, as I’m
stepping into the shoes of someone as far removed
from me as possible. In a way, I envy her free spirit. She
doesn’t get tied down by the potential consequences of
her actions, she just goes for it. Personally, I’m a thinker,
and Kylie’s a doer!
Have you had any random haters out in public
saying negatives things to you?
Up until recently, I could say no but, unfortunately,
Kylie’s recent story line has changed that, which is sad,
but hey, that had to be expected. Mostly people are
really supportive and lovely, and respect that I’m an
actor playing Kylie, not actually her.
I’m sure you have read/heard some negativity
about you. Do you find that element of being in the
spotlight difficult?
Well there are always going to be haters, whether
you’re in the public eye or not, so I don’t let it get to
me. It’s all part of the job and I guess if it’s your career
choice you need to be prepared for everyone to have an
opinion.
Which other actors/actresses do you like working
with the most and why?
The cast are all so lovely, you really learn so much
working with the different actors. Amy Usherwood
(Emma) and I started at the same time so inevitably we
are pretty close. Pua Magasiva (Vinnie) is such a laugh;
it really doesn’t feel like work when he’s around!
Have you made any besties from the show?
We’re all pretty good mates really!
Are you single?
No.
Tell us the absolute best thing about working on
Shorty?
Just being able to come to a place where everyone
is passionate about working on the same craft, being
around an awesome group of people and getting to do
what I love everyday. I can’t really call that work!
Now tell us the absolute worst. Be honest, we won’t
tell them.
Really? There’s nothing about it I don’t like… I
suppose if I had to nitpick, the continuity side of
things can be restricting. We need to maintain the same
physical appearance and need to be careful when it
comes to activities and sports that could be dangerous.
What are your plans over summer?
I’m a beach girl. Over summer it’s where I go to
escape the every day hustle and bustle, and just chill out.
So I enjoy seeking out remote spots for the ultimate
peaceful escape.
You studied at Massey, graduating with a business
degree in management. Do you consider that a waste
of time now?
Not at all. No education is a waste. Before I landed
the gig with Shortland Street, my degree secured me a
job as an account manager at Billabong Head Office,
which was a fantastic experience. I think having such a
broad degree is really beneficial and will always come in
handy later on in life.
What is it like having Oliver Driver as a director?
He’s got an awesome energy on set. He’s great
to work with because he’s an actor himself and can
therefore relate to what it’s like being on the other side
of the camera.
Do you get any free stuff working on Shortland
Street? What are the perks?
Yeah, there are definitely perks to the job. Wee treats
in your cubbyhole are always a lovely surprise!
Watch Kerry-Lee Dewing on Shortland Street,
7pm weeknights on TV2.
53
MASSIVE FEATURE
54
THE ADVENTURES OF DICK HARDY:
THE BACK DOOR IS OPEN
What happens when Dick’s identity is revealed?
WARNING: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED OR
DO NOT WISH TO BE EXTREMELY TURNED ON.
Recently I had a very interesting experience and I wasn’t
sure if I should write about it, or at least not in its
entirety. However I feel that I’m confident enough in
myself to give you all of the details (never mind the fact
that my identity is a secret).
I was at my friend’s flat after she had texted me to
urgently come over with no explanation. The friend
in mention is the same friend from a few of my earlier
escapades (try Game of Bones from issue 2 and Night
with a Naughty Nurse from issue 5). She had yelled at
me to come in after I knocked on the door and I had
made myself comfortable on the couch, as I waited for
her to appear. Finally she emerged from the bathroom,
her hair still damp, with a towel wrapped around her
body, looking and smelling amazing. I smiled at the
sight of her.
“So… You wanted me to come dry your hair?” I
suggested. She squinted her eyes at me in disapproval
and made her way to the couch.
“I have a bone to pick with you,” she told me angrily. I
should have picked up on her word play at this moment
but instead I made things worse, still unaware of the
situation’s severity.
“I have a bone for you too, but I can think of a few
things I’d rather you did with it than pick it,” I said,
smirking.
Not amused, she walked to the kitchen and then
returned with a magazine in her hand. She tossed it
onto the couch and looked at me accusingly. I suddenly
felt very uncertain as I realised the magazine was
MASSIVE and what must have happened. I looked
up at her slowly, trying my best to look sheepish and
apologetic.
“You’re Dick Hardy and you wrote about me!” she
exclaimed. “Twice!”
She wasn’t a student at Massey and so I thought she
might never find out about my article but I realised my
cover was blown.
“Uh, it was all anonymous...” I said, trying to cover. “I
didn’t think you would find out.”
She walked over to me with a serious face until she
was standing in front of me. Suddenly she slapped me,
hard, and I felt my face smarting. Then, she put one
knee either side of my lap until she was straddling me.
Her towel struggled to cover her and rode high up her
thighs though I didn’t dare look down. Her angry eyes
pierced my own and I thought she might bite me. She
leaned toward my ear and I silently said my farewells
to my lobe as I wondered if she would Mike Tyson me.
Instead of biting me however, she began to whisper: “I
have never read something that has made me so wet
before.” I just about burst out laughing in relief but
my stinging cheek reminded me not to. “But you still
should have told me,” she added and pinched my nipple
hard for good measure. And, just like that, I was turned
on and my manhood began to grow. She wiggled on top
of me and her towel fell away to reveal her fresh bosom.
Her toned, naked body squirmed into me as she pulled
off my top.
“I had to finish myself off twice in the shower before
you came,” she revealed. This girl was incredible. “It’s so
sexy reading about what you think of me. I’m obviously
going to have to give you another story to write about,”
she breathed into my ear with lust as we both began
rocking into each other. She began to fumble with my
pants as my hands searched her body. She had obviously
shaved recently as her body was smooth all over and my
fingers delighted in their silky exploration. She pulled
my pants off and we slid over each other, revelling in
our nudity, feeling exposed and naughty in such an
open space.
“Wait there,” she told me before jumping up and I
watched her ass swing away down the hall. She returned
quickly with a bottle of lube and I smiled as I wondered
what she had in mind. She lay her towel down onto the
floor and made me lie on top of it. She then squirted a
generous amount of lube all over my chest and stomach
and then sat down on me just above my twitching penis.
Her legs gripped me tightly and she began to spread the
lube all over me with her smooth mound. She bit her
56
“You’re Dick Hardy and you wrote about me! ” she exclaimed. “Twice! ”
She wasn’t a student at Massey and so I thought she might never find
out about my article but I realised my cover was blown.
lip seductively as she slid herself up and down my body.
She even stretched my arms out and moved erotically
down them to my hands where she was met with greedy
fingers.
Finally, after her slippery acrobatic display and my
increasing excitement, she pivoted and backed up until
her legs were either side of my head and at the other
end, I felt her hands begin to massage my balls and her
tongue caress my manhood. Hungrily, I lunged my
tongue out toward her slit and was turned on to taste
her own sweetness thickly mixed in with the strawberry
lube. I began to flick my tongue expertly (at least I
hope) across her clit and felt her quiver on top of me
in response. I began to buck excitedly inside her sultry
mouth as all of the stimulation mounted. Almost to
herself I then heard her say something after pulling my
man stick from her mouth.
“I wonder if you’ll include this in your next article.”
Her tone was mischievous and I soon found out why.
My mouth still occupied, I felt a slippery hand slide
down from my scrotum. My eyes widened as I realised
where her searching finger was headed. Slowly at first,
her finger found my back door. I stopped from my task
and stiffened beneath her, unsure how to respond. Her
mouth continued to engulf my cock as if to distract me
and suddenly I felt her finger push inside me. I bucked
upward in distress.
‘What are you doing?’ I moaned but her finger
continued to massage its way deeper. I squirmed
beneath her and clenched my cheeks but this only made
her press in more firmly.
“Just relax,” she told me. “You’ll like it.”
Uncomfortable about the situation and what it
might mean for my masculinity, I reassured myself by
pulling her incredibly sexy womanhood back to my
mouth. I busied my tongue inside her as she gently
massaged her finger back and forth inside me. I was
thankful then for all of the lube she had used. Her
finger seemed to know where it was going however and
I soon began to feel amazing. I found myself unable
to continue pleasing her as I felt something building
inside of me. I clutched desperately at her juicy breasts
and then simply wrapped my arms around her as I lost
any control I might have had. ‘Babe!’ I moaned at her,
as I began to spasm. Her oiled legs gripped my head still
and her finger worked expertly inside me, in time with
her tongue on my cock. Tensing my whole body now, a
powerful orgasm, stimulated from some deeper place,
rocked through me and I ejaculated powerfully down
her throat. Her finger continued to pump me as wave
after wave exploded through me. Finally I collapsed
beneath her, exhausted, drained and tingling. Slowly
she pulled her finger out of me and stood up to look at
me. Her face was on the verge of laughter as she stared
knowingly at me.
“What did you do to me?” I asked her foggily.
“It’s called a prostate massage,” she said. “Google it.”
I was still unsure how I felt about the whole thing
but I knew I had just experienced a very different kind
of orgasm.
“So are you going to write about this, Mr Hardy?” she
teased. She walked away confidently to the bathroom
to clean herself up, too sure of herself to wait for my
answer. I lay back onto the towel and pondered if I
should include all of the details. But I guess now that
she knew, I would have to. So MASSIVE readers, those
were the events in all their splendid unedited glory,
make of them what you will. Until next time, stay frisky.
DH
[email protected]
57
MASSIVE FEATURE
58
CANCUN: Paradise on the cheap
T ravel – A L M A Z R A B B
Mexico is well known for its tequila, moustaches and
trigger-happy drug lords. However, many people
overlook the fact that it is an awesome travel destination
rich in culture and history.
During a visit to the United States last year, my sister
and I spontaneously decided to head down to Mexico
and we were lucky enough to discover Cancun - one of
its safest and most beautiful cities.
Cancun is a vibrant city in southeastern Mexico,
located on the Caribbean Sea. With idyllic beaches
and a warm tropical climate, it is a favourite holiday
destination for thousands of tourists every year.
One of the great things about this exciting city is that
a lot of locals speak English, making it easy for Kiwis
to explore.
COST
A return flight from Auckland to Cancun will set you
back around $2000, but may be more during the peak
season.
Although flights are not exactly cheap, it is still a very
doable travel destination for students because, once you
actually get there it is super-cheap; we managed to get
by spending less than $50 most days we were there.
WHERE TO STAY
With a great selection of restaurants, bars, nightclubs
and beaches, many tourists choose to stay in the city’s
hotel zone. Accommodation in this area starts from
around $50 NZD per night for two people and, for this
price, you will get a room in a nice hotel with a pool
and restaurant.
If you are looking for a slightly cheaper option, I would
highly recommend staying in hostel accommodation.
Most hostels are located about a 15-minute bus ride
from the main hotel zone, in the downtown area that
many locals live and shop in.
A bed in a downtown hostel will generally set
you back less than $15 a night and you will get free
breakfast!
The best thing about hostels in Mexico is that they
are usually small, making it very easy to meet people.
Like the hotel zone, the downtown area boasts a great
selection of bars and restaurants, as well as an openair market where you can buy amazing, fresh Mexican
meals for only a few dollars.
WHAT TO DO
Daylight hours in Cancun are largely based around
spending time at the beach, sunbathing, playing
volleyball, swimming, and jet skiing. With its pure
white sand and warm, clear blue water, Cancun features
some of the most beautiful beaches in the world.
Another great thing to do while visiting Cancun is
taking a day trip. For about $10 you can take a two-hour
bus ride to the small town of Tulum to see the ancient
Mayan ruins.
Another must-do is getting the ferry across to
Isla Mujeres where you can rent golf carts and drive
recklessly around the small, beautiful island. A
snorkeling tour is another great day out. The tours
generally include a boat ride, lunch and a lazy afternoon
on a private island, all for around $60.
If you like to party, you’ll love Cancun. The city’s
hotel zone has dozens of clubs, ranging from Caribbean
style clubs to hip hop dance parties. A night at a hotel
pool party is a must, as well as a visit to Coco Bongo:
a club that puts on a very impressive dance show every
night.
Tickets to pool parties and Coco Bongo do tend to
be on the pricy side - around $60 - but this includes an
open bar, so people do tend to get their money’s worth.
GETTING AROUND
Getting around Cancun is easy, with buses costing
around 75 cents to almost anywhere in the city. Buses
between the beach, hotel zone and downtown area run
regularly almost 24 hours a day.
Taxis are also available. However they tend to
be quite expensive so it is worth waiting a few extra
minutes for a bus. If you are staying in the hotel zone,
almost everything you will need is in easy walking
distance.
WHEN TO VISIT
With an average year-round temperature of 27C,
Cancun is great to visit almost any time of year. We
visited in April, and the weather was hot and sunny
every day.
The only months that might be worth avoiding
would be the rainy months of September and October.
If you’re looking for a real party atmosphere, it is best to
go between February and March to take advantage of
the massive parties that run throughout the American
spring break season.
TRAVELLING ON
From Cancun, it is very cheap and easy to get to other
exciting destinations in Mexico and Central America. If
you have a bit of time on your hands, you should get on
an intercity bus and head to other cities in Mexico such
as Palenque (rainforest) or Puerto Escondido (surfing).
Though journeys can be long, the buses are very
comfortable and cheap, generally ranging between $10$50, depending on how far you are going.
Another option would be to fly to Cuba on one of
the budget airlines or continue down through Central
America to visit countries such as Belize, Guatemala
and Panama.
BE AWARE
Although Cancun is a pretty safe place, the police have
a reputation for being quite corrupt.
It is not uncommon for police officers to ask for
money instead of arresting western tourists and,
because of this, they tend to pull young tourists up on
silly things such as walking barefoot, being too drunk in
public, or squashing too many people into a taxi.
Don’t let this put you off. Keep yourself under
control and don’t do anything overly illegal and you will
have an amazing time in paradise!
59
EAT & REAP WHAT YOU SOW
F O O D C O LU M N – Local F ood N etwork
Grow Local
September, while the weather is still cool, is a good time
to sow greens like lettuce, silver beet and spinach, and
some root crops like carrots, beets and radish.
You can still plant a few last peas at the beginning of
September for a spring harvest, and they’re definitely
worth it! It’s also time to start seedlings of summer
plants like tomatoes and peppers for planting out in
October.
In October, start sowing summer beans and squashes
outside directly into the ground - though they can be
started inside.
Eat Local
In the markets there are still lots of amazing winter
brassicas and citrus, but spring delights like peas and
asparagus will also start to appear. Peas are definitely
worth eating raw - no cooking required!
Asparagus, likewise, is delicious lightly steamed with
lemon squeezed over the top. But, while we’re waiting
for the best of the spring, here is a delightfully fresh
and zingy coleslaw recipe to keep eating fresh while the
weather warms up!
Orange and Coriander
‘Mexican inspired’ Coleslaw:
This coleslaw is excellent used in fish tacos!
Ingredients
1/2 small red cabbage, trimmed, cored, and shredded
(about 6 cups)
2 tsp salt, plus more to taste
1 bunch fresh baby spinach, or any other salad green
cut into fine ribbons (kale could work here too)
fresh orange juice from 2 medium oranges
3 tablespoon yoghurt (optional)
1/2 teaspoon ground cumin (seeds work here too)
3 tablespoons vegetable oil
1/2 bunch fresh coriander, chopped
1/2 cup roasted unsalted almonds, coarsely chopped
(optional)
Freshly ground black pepper
Method
Put the shredded cabbage into a large bowl and add
the spinach. In a medium bowl, whisk the orange juice,
yoghurt and cumin together. Add the peanut oil in a
thin stream, whisking constantly until the ingredients
are thoroughly emulsified. Toss the salad with the
dressing and add the coriander and chopped almonds.
Season to taste with salt and pepper. Enjoy!
MASSIVE FEATURE
60
ASK A GURU
S E N S UA L A DV I C E – G U R U C L AY DA N
Dear Guru,
This is semi-relevant to a question you answered in
the last issue. I’m bi and have a sweet polygamy dealio
with a wonderful fella and a wonderful lady. They
both know about each other, and it’s all very low-fuss
and awesome. However, uni is seriously impinging on
my hang-times with these great people and I don’t
know if I should tell one of them that we can’t hang
out anymore or what. That would make me sad, but
it’s hard to have one sex life, let alone two, when you
spend all day studying. Please give me your shoddy
advice.
Kind regards,
Polygloomy
Phew. You must be a busy person. First of all, go
you for being open with both partners, and in this
ever-changing and open world, loving both genders
is nothing to be ashamed of, so mana all the way. You
have a good thing going, so what you need to learn is
time management. For example, Monday through to
Wednesday you have the pussy, and Thursday through
to Saturday you have the dick, and on Sunday, you
rest your privates. I’m also assuming that your sex life
is fulfilling and exciting, so continue to do what you’re
doing there. If you can’t handle your time, you have
some hard decisions to make. Since you didn’t mention
your gender, or what you preferred, it’s a bit hard to give
you some advice on what person to choose.
It comes down to the simple question of, do you want
the V or the D? Both have their ups and downs. I have a
willy, my girlfriend often complains that it is a nuisance
because it pokes her in the back when spooning, it
smells funny sometimes, it stares at her, it spews white
sticky substances out when pleased accordingly, and it
looks funny, even though I have a beautiful penis (I call
him Walter, ‘cause he is classy). In saying that, penises
also have their ups, where it provides penetration, it’s
something you can hold on to, and it provides a sticky
substance that holds little babies. Vaginas are the same,
they have their pros and cons. Pros being that they are
little ovens that are constantly warm and happy, they
sometimes taste good, they sometimes look pretty,
and they don’t poke you in the back when spooning.
However, the cons are that they are sometimes smelly,
they are caves into the abyss, they, instead of staring
at you, talk to you, and things can be concealed in the
fanny, like knives and stuff, and it’s never fun having
your finger (if you’re a girl) or willy (if you’re a boy) cut.
So there are the pros and cons of the V and D. If they
are both equally cool and personable, then you have to
choose the private part that you most prefer. Or learn
to manage that time and keep this polygamist escapade
going. And as always, protection is the best thing ever.
No one wants a puss-y pussy, or a dirty dick.
Guru,
My boyfriend wants me to swallow his jizz. Do I or
don’t I?
From Cum Muncher
This is something you must decide yourself. Jizz
swallowing is something that you have to be keen to do.
Some people don’t like the smell, some don’t like the
taste, and some just don’t like it at all. What you need to
do is find out what type of person you are, a swallower
or a spitter, or someone who doesn’t want it in their
mouth at all.
Just make sure you do what you want to do, and don’t
feel pressured into swallowing his little non-existent
babies. Apparently jizz is good for your skin so, if
swallowing doesn’t float your boat, but you want to be
naughty for your boy, let him jizz on your face, then use
it as a face mask. Win/win. He feels like a porn star, and
you have nice healthy and glowing skin. Remember that
you are the boss in this situation, so if he is forcing you
to swallow and you don’t want to, bite his willy off.
Dear Guru,
I hate the taste of vaginas and ,when I’m down
there, I don’t know what to do, but my girlfriend
inrsists on me going downtown, which is fair enough
because she goes down on me. How do I get over this,
or is there a way to make it taste yum? What moves
can you suggest to make her go to heaven?
Sincerely, Even-Snot-Tastes-Better
You’re right: it’s fair enough going down on her
because if she is putting your doodle in her noodle
sucker, then she deserves her bean being licked. First
things first: clean your mouth. A quick brush of the
teeth, gentle salt water rinse and spit, and your mouth
will be PH friendly to her fanny. Next thing, make sure
she has cleaned it recently. You have probably had stinky
balls if they’ve been packaged up all day. It’s the same
with a vagina, and so it does need to be cleaned. Once
it’s nice and clean, it should be relatively smell free.
If it’s the juices that are making you gag, get her to
drink pineapple juice, it makes fanny juice taste nice,
apparently. When you’ve got your head between her
legs and about to bury your face in her flower, being
gentle is key. Work your tongue around her labia, gently
gliding over her clitoris, or bean. Do this until she is
nice and slippery in her vagina, and then go to work on
the bean. This doesn’t mean biting it off and attacking
like a savage. Draw circles around it with your tongue.
Its super sensitive, too much can sometimes be too
much for her, and then it’s not fun. Once you have her twerking on the bed, you know
you are doing something good. Let her guide you, listen
to her moans, or watch the way her body rises and falls
- these are all telltale signs of her loving it. If you want
to explore the abyss, put your finger in two inches deep
into the vagina, and do the come here signal with your
finger, so that you are rubbing upwards. You should feel
some roughness there, and that is what is known as the
g-spot. Rub that and feel it swell. She’ll be cumming
round the mountain before you know it, and hopefully
she squirts.
Hey Guru,
Opinions on licking bums?
From Uranus
If you want to spice up your life, lick a bum - a very
clean bum.
Guru! How do I get a new awesome and fantastic
smartphone? I don’t have a job. But I need it right
now for Snapchat!
Go apply for the benefit. I hear that they are endorsing
sexting. Add me on Snapchat: XxXhOrNyBiGbOyXxX
This is the second-to-last Ask a Guru for the year, and
after this I will be retiring. Get your questions in for
the last issue. It’ll be the best Ask a Guru yet! www.
massivemagazine.org.nz
61
VENICE FILM FESTIVAL, JAMES SPADER AS ULTRON,
NAOMI WATTS AS DIANA AND SOME GARDENING WITH SOUL
F I L M C O LU M N – PAU L B E R R I N GTO N
The oldest international film festival is the world kicked
off last week with Venice hosting the 70th event in
the beautiful surroundings of the island of Lido in
the famous Italian city. As usual there is a lot on offer
for film fans to be excited about, with new films from
Xavier Dolan – Tom in a Field, James Franco – Child
of God, Terry Gilliam – The Zero Theorem, Hayao
Miyazaki – Kaze Tachinu, and David Gordon Green –
Joe, battling for the Golden Lion. Gordon Green’s Joe
looks to be the favourite, with Nicholas Cage and Tye
Sheridan (Mud) garnering rave reviews so far. While
Japanese anime master Miyazaki’s Kaze Tachinu, his
last film stands as the sentimental favourite for the
top prize. Out of competition, Paul Schrader’s The
Canyons, which stars Lindsay Lohan as a modern day
femme fatale, and Greg McLean’s Wolf Creek 2, provide
appeal for those interested in cult film. Head over to the
website to follow any news and of course check out the
glamour of the red carpet fashion.
More details about the sequel to The Avengers are
starting to emerge, with new characters Quicksilver
and Scarlet Witch set to appear, with their own origin
stories providing sub-plots. James Spader has signed on
to play bad guy Ultron, whose attempts at taking over
the world using robots causes SHIELD to reunite in
our defence. Perhaps the most encouraging thing about
this sequel is that Joss Whedon has stayed onboard as
writer/director, making it hard not to have high hopes
about how good the film might be. Also of note is the
related TV series, Agents of SHIELD, which debuts this
spring.
Love it or loathe it, Diana seems to be gaining a lot
of momentum ahead of its release later this month.
Naomi Watts stars as the doomed princess, while
Naveen Andrews (Lost) co-stars as her lover Dr. Hasnat
Khan. The inclusion of Oliver Hircshbiegel (Downfall,
Five Minute of Heaven) is encouraging at least, with the
talented German filmmaker promising a no-nonsense
approach to the story of Diana’s last two years alive.
Watts also has the calibre to take on the role, and also
looks the part.
Documentary Gardening With Soul, an audience
favourite at the New Zealand Film Festival, follows a
year in life of 90 year-old Sister Loyola Galvin. Hardly
the most cinematic of subjects you may be thinking,
but Jess Feast’s film is a revelation, and Sister Loyola’s
stories both warm the heart and remind us of what it
really means to be alive. To say she’s an inspiration is
an understatement, and this might just be the best
film made in New Zealand this year. Keep an eye out
for at your local cinema, it has just gained a deal for
nationwide release.
my computer, typed in my Steam activation code, and
waited impatiently as Steam decided to crash, restart
the process, and then pop a message up on my screen.
“Saints Row IV is unable to be installed at this time as
it has not been released. Please try again later.” I was
holding the case in my hand, I had woken up early on
my day off, and Steam had the nerve to tell me the game
was not even out when a quick search of The Pirate
Bay showed dozens of copies all in a playable state.
This is one of the reasons why everyone was flipping
tables about the Xbox One. DRM such as this puts the
people who legitimately purchased gaming products at
a disadvantage while software pirates are off plundering
booty, drinking rum and having a whale of a time. Yet
now that Microsoft was rolled back on almost all of
their policies I feel a bit strange trusting them at all.
Yes, in the end this rollback of DRM will be a
good thing for the consumer. There are many gaming
experiences that I would not have enjoyed had my
friends not shoved a case into my palms and said “Dude,
you need to play this. It’s about a witch and she kills
angels and it’s the most insane thing I’ve ever played.”
But with all the backtracking Microsoft has been doing,
I can’t help but feel a lack of confidence in the quality
of their product. Coming out of E3, Microsoft seemed
incredibly confident even though the words coming
out of the President of the Xbox Division’s mouth were
a straight up attack on consumers. Now they seem to
be backing themselves into the corner while giving up
on everything they stood for. What confidence can
I hold in the Xbox One when they are changing the
very way the system operates so close to launch? To
me this screams that Microsoft has no confidence in
their product, and it hasn’t even launched yet. They’re
throwing luggage off their hot air balloon when it is still
on the ground.
Knucklexbones
G A M I N G C O LU M N – C A L LU M O ’ N E I L L
It has been a few months since Microsoft unveiled,
and subsequently dropped, the anti-consumer DRM
policies that were being rolled out with the Xbox One.
As someone who spends a large majority of my gaming
time on PC I can’t help but feel a little amused by the
hordes of people flipping their metaphoric tables in
Youtube comments and on Reddit about the issue.
But they are totally justified in their rage. I have spent
years putting up with arbitrary restrictions on how I’m
allowed to play games that I’ve paid money for, which
makes the relative freedom of console gaming seem
quite attractive by comparison. If Microsoft were to
ruin the simple world of console gaming what would be
left? Knucklebones? Solitaire?
Just last month I woke up at the unfashionably early
time of 9:03am to ensure I wouldn’t miss the courier
bringing me my copy of Saints Row IV. He took a further
four hours to arrive and by this time I was perhaps a little
too eager to get my super-powered gangsta president
on. Upon the game’s arrival, I slammed the disc into
MASSIVE FEATURE
62
MUD
PAU L B E R R I N GTO N
With his third film, director Jeff Nichols (Shotgun
Stories, Take Shelter) takes the traditional coming-ofage drama into far more interesting territory than it has
been for some time in American cinema.
Set in a sleepy Arkansas town besides the Mississippi
River, Mud traces two 14-year old boys who undertake
an adventure after meeting and agreeing to help a
man they find living in a stranded boat they intended
to claim for themselves. That man, Mud (Matthew
McConaughey) is wanted for what he calls justified
homicide. The two boys, Ellis (Tye Sheridan) and
Neckbone ( Jacob Lofland), form a bond with Mud,
agreeing to bring him food and eventually contact his
girlfriend Juniper (Reese Witherspoon). Soon the boys
are involved in more than they bargained for, and while
Ellis remains committed to Mud’s quest, Neckbone
begins to doubt his intentions. Making things even
more complex are problems at home for Ellis, and the
bounty hunters on Mud’s trail, culminating in a finale
in which these worlds inevitably collide.
Drawing on icons such as Mark Twain and Sam
Peckinpah, director Nichols constructs a masterful
recreation of small town America. The first act traces
the boys discovery of the boat on what they think
is a deserted river island, and Nichol’s embeds us in
this world with ease, his camera capturing the sense
of adventure that drives the boys on. McConaughey
continues his transformation from Hollywood
heartthrob to A-list actor, providing a characterisation
that is at once charismatic, yet constantly hides danger
just below the surface. This is most apparent as the
plot develops over the second and third act, and the
outside influences begin to give the film momentum.
Here Nichols lets the lives of his characters overlap,
creating a complex web of emotions, adding depth to
the story while never losing focus of sense of adventure
that drives the boys on. The cast are generally excellent,
with youngster Sheridan (The Tree of Life) standing out,
and the ever likable Sam Shepard showing up as Tom.
Overall there is sense of quality than isn’t just surface
deep in Mud, and the film seems like a labour of love
for Nichols, confirming him as one of America’s most
accomplished directors, as he moves towards more
mainstream work.
In many ways Mud can be seen as a modern take
on The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, with Ellis
and Neckbone taking the roles of Tom Sawyer and
Huckleberry Finn, yet there is also an awareness of
context that raises the film above mere mimicry, with
themes of love and adventure matched to fears of
financial meltdown and small time corruption. This is
American drama at its very best, and a story that stays
with you long after the final credits.
UPSTREAM
MUD
(2012) COLOUR (2013)
4/5
5/5
Shane
Jeff
Nichols
Caruth
Matthew
Amy
Seimetz,
McConaughey,
Shane Carruth,
Tye
Sheridan, Michael Shannon,
Reese Witherspoon, Sam Shepard
Director
Starring
NOW YOU SEE ME
B L A K E L E I TC H
Now You See Me is a film that could come to be known
as a game-changer. That’s because, for some reason, the
film as magician has yet to become a fad of its own.
This is a time where the Hollywood fads of vampirism
and zombification are growing dreary; the consumer
demands some fresh scenery.
The film begins with a quick introduction on
J. Daniell Atlas (Eisenberg), Merritt McKinney
(Harrelson), Henley Reeves (Fisher), and Jack Wilder
(Franco); four magicians who are brought together by
an unknown ‘fifth horseman’ for one reason…
Actually, the film does a great job of hiding that
reason until its end. In the meantime, they join magical
forces to bring justice against those who deserve it using
a mixture of Ocean’s 11 savvy, Batman vigilantism, and
a magical twist.
It should be no surprise that a film about magic is all
about plot-twists and surprises, but the film explains
this at its beginning: misdirection is the name of the
game. It really doesn’t matter how much you focus and
try to figure out the end game; the entire film is a buildup to an ingenious finale.
Anyone who has seen The Prestige will know that
every trick has three components: the pledge, the turn,
and the prestige. The brilliance of this film is that it is
just one elaborate trick, and we’re simply viewers of the
turn.
It’s difficult to say anything about this film without
giving away the ending. Suffice it to say, any time you
think you know what’s happening, any time you think
you’ve figured it out, any time you think you’re one step
ahead, you’re really two steps behind.
Beyond the brilliance of the story, the settings and
camera-work are amazing. Like magic, every shot has a
clear purpose and everything we see has a reason. The
soundtrack also keeps the audience completely engaged,
no trashy pop or R&B taking away from the film’s plot.
It’s hard to believe this film was directed by the guy
who directed the atrocity that was Clash of the Titans,
but this is a great redemption for him. It’s deep enough
for movie critics, glam enough for Hollywood, and who
doesn’t love a good magic trick?
UPSTREAM
NOW
YOU SEE
COLOUR
ME (2013)
(2013)
4/5
Shane Leterrier
Louis
Caruth
Jesse Eisenberg,
Amy
Seimetz, Shane
Woody
Carruth,
Harrelson,
Isla Fisher, Dave Franco, Mark Ruffalo, Melanie
Laurent, Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine
Director
Starring
63
SAINTS ROW IV
C A L LU M O ’ N E I L L
Saints Row: The Third was a game that changed my
perspective on humour in gaming. Its balls out, selfaware insanity was something I had been craving more
of since its 2011 release. Saints Row IV provides exactly
the brand of crazy that I was after, but despite some
empowering changes to the way the game plays – you
get superpowers, it is still very much the same Saints
Row from 2011.
Five years after the events of The Third, the leader
of the Third Street Saints is now the president of the
United States. All is going swimmingly enough, for a
gang leader turned president, when aliens invade and
plonk you and your fellow gang members inside a
simulation while they take over the world.
This simulation is a virtual representation of
Steelport, the incredibly uninspired city from the
previous game. Driving around the same old hoods is
at first disappointing, but that disappointment soon
fades as your character discovers they can control the
simulation. They give themselves superpowers (who
wouldn’t?)
After that, the game plays much more like an insane
take on Crackdown or Prototype which is refreshingly
enjoyable until you have to do any combat.
Many of the game’s missions seem to be built without
superpowers taken into account. Some strip them away
completely leaving you to deal with the game’s sub-par
shooting mechanics. The missions that don’t feel so
easy you wonder why you even bother killing anyone,
because they certainly can’t kill you. Throwing a fireball
into a group of bad dudes and watching them flail
around before exploding is satisfying a few times, but
it gets old pretty quickly. I ended up running past a lot
of the enemies just to get to the next story-beat because
that’s where Saints Row IV’s true brilliance lies.
Saying nearly anything about the story beyond what
I have already mentioned would ruin what makes
Saints Row IV special. But I will say it has some of the
cleverest referential humour I have ever seen in a game
and some perfectly timed uses of licensed music. The
game doesn’t get quite as insanely clever as The Third
and the latter half feels particularly uninspired. But it’s
still a fantastic experience for anyone seeking more of
what the previous game delivered.
Saints Row IV is a game that isn’t for everyone. Its
brand of humour is just as likely to offend as it is to
entertain and anyone not already familiar with the
series will find the story difficult to parse. But it does
provide more of its trademark charm that cannot be
found anywhere else and for that I think it’s definitely
something worthy of your time.
SAINTS
UPSTREAM
ROW IV
COLOUR
(2013) (2013)
4/5
4/5
PLATFORMS
Director
Starring
PC,
Shane
PS3,
Caruth
Xbox 360
Amy Seimetz, Shane Carruth,
ELYSIUM
C H A R L I E M I TC H E L L
Set in the far flung future of robot cops and weaponised
space suits, Elysium tells the story of a world divided.
The filthy masses live in destitution on Earth, barely
able to get by, whilst the elite live in comfort on a space
station circling in the Earth’s atmosphere. Matt Damon,
desperate to fulfil a childhood promise, makes a daring
journey to the luxurious haven of Elysium to rescue
himself and the people he loves.
Through the course of a solitary day in Matt Damon’s
life, we can see the grinding horror of everyday life in
this dystopian robo-future. Matt Damon wakes up in
a metal heap that doubles as a residence, dashing off
to work at his (literally) dehumanising job at a robot
building factory. On his way, he sasses a couple of robot
cops, who beat him senseless. He finally makes it to
work, only to be told that he’s not trying hard enough.
There is no ambiguity here; Matt Damon has a shitty
life because the future sucks.
You don’t need a PhD in the field of Space Politics to
figure out the parallels being drawn here. Like District 9
before it, Elysium employs the Sci-fi genre as an allegory
for class inequality.
It’s a nice premise that opens itself up to a lot of
potential. But Elysium uses this theme as set dressing,
and does little to explore this idea in a meaningful way.
For the remainder of the film, people shoot at things,
things blow up other things, and Matt Damon runs
both towards and away from things - it contains a lot
of high-stakes action, which is filmed in a jarringly
effective way, but it all begins to blur together into a
vague sci-fi mush of metal, monologues and screaming.
Elysium is half sci-fi parable, half gritty shoot-em’-up,
and its failure to devote itself to either one dilutes its
overall impact. A complete dearth of human warmth
would be fine if it didn’t try to build a narrative of
selflessness and sacrifice, but it does; building the film
around a blandly conventional political statement
would be fine too if the movie was just Matt Damon
kicking the shit out of robots, but it’s not that either.
It lacks a decisive vision, and tries to bring in all these
disparate elements without committing to any of them.
Elysium is an okay Sci-Fi/Action mashup, when it
could have been a great Sci-Fi or Action film.
UPSTREAM
ELYSIUM
(2013)
COLOUR (2013)
4/5
2/5
Director
Starring
ShaneBlomkamp
Neil
Caruth
Matt Seimetz,
Amy
Damon, Jodie
ShaneFoster
Carruth,
MASSIVE FEATURE
64
CROSSWORD
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
18
21
28
32
12
13
14
15
33
23
24
27
34
35
36
37
49
40
46
58
59
66
67
68
61
69
70
81
86
72
76
79
82
83
84
87
85
88
92
93
97
71
75
78
80
98
105
109
110
89
90
94
95
99
104
101
107
118
111
119
120
121
125
129
136
130
131
140
132
141
144
133
138
115
122
126
137
102
108
114
117
124
143
96
100
106
113
116
62
65
74
77
54
60
64
103
47
50
53
57
31
41
52
73
112
39
45
63
91
38
44
56
17
30
43
51
16
20
26
48
123
11
29
42
55
10
22
25
ACROSS
1. Stone fruit
6. Epics
10. Snow shelter
14. Motorless planes
18. Jeopardy
19. Size up
20. Relief brooch
21. Splurge (4,3)
22. Less frequent
23. Open sore
24. Despoiled
25. See-through
26. Whiskies & ...
27. Oriental
28. Cavalry sword
30. Perceive
32. Innate
35. Miss Universe show
39. Infuriate
42. Small pointy beard
46. Unties
48. Supervise
49. Emerged
50. Fine wool sheep
51. Young men
53. 2008 Clint Eastwood drama, ... Torino
55. Leak slowly
57. Little crowns
58. Drag laboriously
60. Group confidence
61. Title document
63. Warble
64. Suspicious
65. Reproductive organ
66. Succumbs
70. Greek sea
73. Furnish with supplies
74. Gate fastening
75. Insinuating (remark)
76. Prowl after
77. Nought
78. Dangerous explosive (1,1,1)
79. Agnetha, Benny, Bjorn and Anni-Frid
80. Henry’s Crime star, ... Reeves
81. Mideast nation
83. Slater
85. Secret store
86. Knives’ cutting edges
88. School compositions
91. Not these but ...
93. Recognised
95. Undivided
97. Intuitive grasp of, ... for
98. Saudi language
99. Juniper drink
100. Childish laugh
101. Loch ... Monster
103. Actor, ... Baldwin
107. Prescribed amount
109. Morbid onlookers
110. Enticed
111. Source
112. Retaliate for
114. Autumn or spring
116. Heaps (of )
118. Medicated
9
19
127
134
128
135
139
142
145
146
© Lovatts Puzzles
121. Phone pioneer, Alexander ... Bell
123. Pixie-like
127. Tibetan priests
129. Flavoured topping
131. Actress, ... Jessica Parker
133. Waned
136. Examined (accounts)
137. Beauty, ... of Troy
138. Actress, Bridget ...
139. Lagos is there
140. Restaurant lists
141. Parent’s sisters
142. Annoyed
143. Brush up old skills
144. Encounters
145. Dispatches
146. Stowing space
DOWN
2. Public square
3. Gain from benefactor
4. Musical work
5. Hitch
6. Father
7. Burglary warning
8. Matures
9. Malay garment
10. Large lizard
11. Congeals
12. Vast body of water
13. Rowing aids
14. US president, ... Ford
15. Permit use of
16. Negotiation stalemate (4,3)
17. Swamp grasses
28. Tourist spots
29. Foe
30. Spanish Mr
31. Occurred next
33. Inhuman
34. Come forth
36. Unfortunately
37. Mass departure
38. Requirement
40. Flight cost (3,4)
41. Underground cell
43. Yellowish-brown shade
44. Roofed deck on house
45. Enforced
47. Proprietor
52. Voting survey (7,4)
54. Modifications
56. Protocol
58. Storm flash
59. Deserted village (5,4)
62. Optic hairs
67. Standard of perfection
68. Composer, Andrew ... Webber
69. Derives (from)
70. Walkway between pews
71. Transmission cogs
72. London’s Westminster ...
82. Spookiest
84. Arctic natives
86. Stranded (whale)
87. Usually (2,1,4)
89. Crosser
90. From Stockholm
92. Move with effort
94. Offshore drilling platform (3,3)
96. Welsh vegetables
97. Rousing ending
102. Smelly black & white animals
104. Encourage (3,2)
105. Smudge
106. Run in neutral
108. People I Know actor, Ryan ... (1’4)
113. More raucous
115. Hobbyist
117. Dull & overcast (sky)
119. Saturn & Neptune’s neighbour
120. Skin transplants
122. Representatives
124. Scalp parasite
125. Flying fowls
126. Reconstructed
128. Imitating
129. Match before final
130. Buddy
131. Chair
132. Irrigation tube
134. Metal rods
135. Slimming plan
65
New &
Secondhand
Textbooks
Art Supplies
& Stationery
Great everyday prices
Don’t delay - Buy now!
Massey University Albany,
Manawatu & Wellington
MASSIVE FEATURE
66
67
TSHIRTS $25.00
MEN’S AND LADIES SIZES AVAILABLE
COFFEE MUGS $12.00
‘GET DESIGNING 2013’
MUGS COME IN A BLACK BOX WITH AJ’S STORY INCLUDED
DESIGNED BY AJ STONEHOUSE
A modern design by an American
distance student has won ‘Get Designing
2013’. AJ, who lives in Florida, is
completing a Bachelor of Arts degree
majoring in media studies. “Being raised
by Kiwi-parents, the idea of studying in
New Zealand has always interested me,
when I first heard of the competition on
Massey’s Facebook page, I immediately
had ideas inspired by the 100% Pure
New Zealand ad campaign.”
CONTACT ALUMNI RELATIONS
call us on 06 350 5865 or [email protected] | alumnishop.massey.ac.nz
VISIT ONE OF OUR STORES
Manawatü Shop opp Dining Hall
Wellington Student Central
Albany UniMart & Pharmacy @ Student Amenities
MASSIVE FEATURE

the voice of massey university students: issue

Transcription

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