Television Without Pity » Are You Hot? » Hot Zone 4: Southwest

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Hot Zone 4: Southwest
By Alex Richmond | Season 1 | Episode 4 | Aired on
2003.03.13
Wow, a new round of competitors from yet another region of
our country have dared to enter this blistering competition.
And what's at stake, you ask? Hotness. Or rather, validating
the hotness of selected men and women. Why, I can't
imagine anything more important, riveting, or timely.
Ready? Okay.
Even our host, JD, looks worn out, and badly lit. He looks like
a tanned skull, with a bronzed face and black holes for eye
sockets. Oh, wait, before we move on to "Hot Zone 4," we
TWoP Poll
get to see who the finalists are from "Hot Zone 3." The
music starts up, BAMP BAMP BAMP BAMP -- and did I
mention that I got a press release announcing that the
So, now composers for reality shows
are shilling for press? Who's next?
composer for this series is available for interviews? His name
Real Life: I was a PA on AYH, and it SUCKED!
is Shawn Clement, and apparently he's provided the most
Behind The Gaffing
original scores for reality shows ever. Here's an excerpt:
The E! True Hollywood Catering Service: They really
spit in it
A&E Biography: Alex Richmond, Angel of Death
VOTE!
Shawn Clement has scored more reality TV
shows than anyone. For the prolific composer’s
current project, the ABC hit series "Are you Hot?
", Clement combines electronica, techno and
rock with orchestral elements to convey the
feeling of the show. Clement explains, "The
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music for a reality show is often more intense
than for other types of television. When a show is
unscripted, the music plays an additional
character that sets the emotions and adds to the
drama of a reality show. " Clement also scored
FOX’s “Stupid Behavior -- Caught on Tape" airing
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in March.
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As a composer, Shawn Clement has defined a
new musical genre for the reality format. His
scores for top-rated network reality shows
include: "World's Wildest Police Videos, "
"World's Scariest Police Chases, " "Avoiding The
Moment of Impact, " "When Good Pets Go Bad, "
"The World's Most Amazing Videos, " "The
World's Most ... ", and "The World's Scariest
Ghosts. " Clement recently won the prestigious
ASCAP Film and Television Award for his musical
contribution in reality series.
Although Clement dominates this notable niche,
it's one facet to a multi-dimensional composer.
His music for "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" is a
fan favorite for both score and song. ["Not
according to our forums, it ain't." -- Sars] As a
film composer, his projects have won festivals
worldwide: "We Married Margo" starring Kevin
Bacon, Cindy Crawford and Tom Arnold; and the
indie film "Last Chance. " As a performer, he has
played with Eddie Van Halen, B.B. King and
Skunk Baxter.
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2003.03.13
Simply put, wow. You know what I love about this job?
Besides everything, I mean? I love how TWoP keeps getting
respect from people in the industry, even when we poop all
over the shows. Sars, should I do an Extra with this guy?
["No." -- Sars] I mean, it's not like I didn't notice his work; I
did. But if I have to pick my favorite suspenseful keyboard
riffs, I think the guy from Let's Bowl would come ahead of
Shawn Clement. Sorry, Shawn, I know you're an
award-winning composer and all. I just really love Let's Bowl.
Anyway, BAMP BAMP BAMP BAMP. Hey, Shipley Innis, you
are hot. And so is Tony, a.k.a. FauxVin. Go, FauxVin! With
your mono-racial self! Now for the ladies. BAMP BAMP BAMP
BAMP. Amber Lancaster, you are hot. And lastly for Hot Zone
3, a blonde called Renee Russell. Congrats to the so-called
“
Hey, Shawn, gimme a beat!
Preferably something that a guy
with a nipple ring and sandblasted
wide-legged jeans can come out
and give a good Blue Steel to. Oh,
hotties.
the magic of music!
Now, there's some private moments with the "winners."
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Shipley says that when his name was called, he thought his
"ears were gonna fall off," since his "smile" would have
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"knocked them off." Not Lorenzo's throbbing penis? Renee
goes through a rapid series of "oh my god"s and screeches.
Grade The Episode
FauxVin says quite seriously that his heart was pounding and
he "seriously" could have fallen over. Amber says with a
small, nasty smile that she's "where [she] is today because
America thinks [she's] hot." You mean, sitting smugly in that
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chair, talking to the camera? What an incredible place to be.
I bet sooo many people are jealous. Oh, wait -- here come
the "losers" to make her point. Jessica, a Courteney Cox
look-alike, says with wet eyes that she "wish[es] them the
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best of luck with their fame and fortune [sniff], and [she's]
still going to get [hers]." Hey, that's almost
reasonable-sounding. But isn't that chair Jessica was sitting
in the same chair Amber was in? Mmm-hmm.
All right, we're already familiar with the premise (are they
hot, or not?), the setting (live audience hooting seemingly at
will), and the judges (model Rachel "Ex-Mrs. Rod Stewart -Why Did She Ever Let Him Go? She's So Lonely" Hunter,
designer Randolph "I May Have Shown My Penis To A
Co-Worker, But I Still Have Good Taste, Really!" Duke, and
actor Lorenzo "I Am Utterly Vile And Repugnant, Even To
Lowbrow Aficionados Like Jimmy Kimmel And The Very
Bandanna Around My Tanned, Leather Neck" Lamas), so let's
have at it. The flesh parade begins.
Hey, Shawn, gimme a beat! Preferably something that a guy
with a nipple ring and sandblasted wide-legged jeans can
come out and give a good Blue Steel to. Oh, the magic of
music! Nipple Ring is dinged "HOT." So is a blonde; so is a
black woman; so is a curly-haired, square-jawed man from
San Diego. Aww, the girl who Rachel said had a "Betty Boop"
outfit on (black pencil skirt, stripey top, red platform heels)
is buzzed "NOT." Aww, she's so cute! Wow, they're really
padding out this segment, cutting away to audience reactions
and letting the contestants linger on stage for a bit after they
are dinged or buzzed. JD even gets to yelp a few times.
"Hot! She's hot!" Case in point: a Pilates instructor named
Robert comes out, strikes a pose, and chomps his gum. Cut
to Randolph Duke, who makes a moue of distaste, then shifts
in his seat. We cut back to Robert, then hear ZZZAP! "NOT."
This show is all about the little things.
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Hee, there's a hairdresser named Sergio! "NOT."
Hey, Candace, the turkey's done. And so are you. "NOT."
Wow, a tae kwan do instructor, Robert, is like Lorenzo Lite.
He has similar hair, features, and smug, lascivious air. And
he's dinged through. "HOT."
Oh, wow, it's Jamal with the French cuffs and atty-tood. Bzzt!
"NOT."
“
Snerk -- a kick-boxing instructor comes out with a
Hey, Candace, the turkey's done.
And so are you. 'NOT.'
faux-leopard vest on. It's a rather long vest, hitting well
below the hip. And of course there's no shirt underneath. And
yet! Ding! "HOT."
Oh, snap, they deemed the thirty-year-old "NOT." No they
di'in't!
Wow, a female correctional officer with biceps of steel is
buzzed "NOT." I hope she beats up the judges. Because her
arms look strong. And she probably knows some good
”
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chokeholds and stuff. Because she works in jail, see?
Have you heard about the lovely losers? They cry and stuff.
It's hilarious. One lady, deemed "not hot enough," cries and
wipes her eyes as she recalls her moment in the sun:
"everyone was standing up and clapping...[she doesn't]
know what the HELL the judges were thinking." My dear,
they aren't thinking at all. Not with their brains, anyway.
And you know what? Neither should you be. Hell, I'm not.
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It's just easier this way.
And now, "our" "experts" will judge the contestants "one by
one." In swimwear. Hooray.
The woman from Hawaii comes out first, and she's curvy as
hell. Hourglasses everywhere are shamed. Rachel gives her
high marks, and notes that it's nice to see someone who isn't
"stick-thin." Then La Duke asks what happens when guys'
eyes "drift down there." She says that she "likes to let
everyone know that [her] tits are real." The crowd goes
wild. Of course. But I'm puzzled -- so, when guys talk to her
chest, she just says that her tits are real? Would they even
hear her? What if they heard "grits are a meal"? Or "pits
hard to heal"? Or maybe "shits on a seal?" Lorenzo says that
if he were stranded on a desert island, he'd only need her,
then gives her his highest marks yet -- 9.5 for her face, 10
for her body, and 9.8 for sex appeal. Go, Hawaii!
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Hey, Jayson? Pukka shells? Rachel asks him to take it
off…and he does. She says that "it seems like [he's] been
smokin' a bit." Wow, is that a shout-out? She gives him a 6.9
on his weak, non-worked out body. Ooh, she likes him! She
wants to smoke up and have 69, without the pukka shells.
Woo!
Hee! David, a handsome black man, comes out and La Duke
makes him spin. Then he has the cameras pan down to
capture the little tuft of hair above the waistband of his
bathing suit. Hee, and ew. Rachel gives him three 10s. And
when we go to commercial, David says tearfully that he's
"going to make [his] mom proud," and that she's going to be
happy when she sees this. He's choking up. His eyes are wet.
The chunks rise in my throat.
Brooke prances out in something a little more unusual than a
bikini. She has on sweet brown boy-cut bottoms with a little
belt, and a paisley tank top sort of thing. Her hair is pulled
back in a messy bun, but the strangest thing of all is how she
walks out to face the judges. She sort of tiptoes, and swipes
at her hair all the way out. She's like a little blonde bird.
Randy says she's cute, and she says, "Thanks, punkin!" La
Duke goes on to say that she looks like a ballerina and that
“ Lorenzo says she's 'like a delicate
flower,' but 'that isn't very sexy.'
Oh my god. Is it possible to
commit seppuku with a canister
of whipped cream? Let me try.
”
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she "reeks femininity." She concurs; she was a ballerina. And
"thanks, Mr. Duke." Lorenzo says she's "like a delicate
flower," but "that isn't very sexy." Oh my god. Is it possible
to commit seppuku with a canister of whipped cream? Let me
try.
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Here comes the kick boxer, who tells the camera before
coming onstage that "any kind of attention is good." And
there we have every contestant's reason for coming on this
show. Is it a true statement? Of course not.
One woman comes out, and Lorenzo tries to guess her
measurements: "34-21-25?" She doesn't correct him, just
say that he's "sorta close." He says, "Well, that's the
combination to my heart." Then he simpers. It's sickening.
I'd try to kill myself with whipped cream, but I ate it all and
am still alive, dammit. The contestant grins hugely.
And here comes Nipple Ring. Just one! It's on the right, what
does that mean? That he thinks he's straight? Oh, and he's a
so-called "entrepreneur." What does that mean?
Businessman? Or maybe "thinks about having a job"? Before
he comes out, he tells the cameras that he's like a "rhino,"
and, sounding like he's from a Hot Zone different from 4, the
Southwest, he says what it is rhinos do. "Chaaaaahhge."
Rachel makes him spin around, and he does. When he tugs
at the waistband of his swimsuit, you can see his hands
trembling. Oh, Nipple Ring. Is that what rhinos do? Do they
tremble?
Hey, only eight more bathing suit people to go. Thanks for
telling me, JD.
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One girl comes out with a ginormo mole near her nose. Nice
to mole you. Meet you! Nice to meet your mole. Moley
moley moley! Lorenzo makes her turn around to show her
non-moley ass off, and says he's just reminding the "viewers
at home what they're tuning in for." Yes, ABC, the ass
network. I mean, where else could these viewers see an
ass? Why, I just have no idea.
FauxLamas is here. Rachel rips into him, saying that "the
only thing that concerns [her] is the, um, the likeness of
Fabio and getting into that, um, cheesy thing?" That is great.
La Duke says they should cast him as a bad guy in the next
Bond film. Don't you mean the next Triple X?
Lorenzo calls one woman "very smoky." The hell?
“
Instead we get a voice-over
telling us that, 'due to current
events, our hot zone four
semi-finalists will be selected by
the judges.' Current events? What
are those?
”
One guy comes out and looks jaundiced. I mean, literally
yellow in the face. When he rubs his hands together, his pecs
dance. Oh, ugh. La Duke gets miffed when he says he "was
born ready," because cockiness is not sexy. I'm learning so
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much from this pile of crap show.
Grade The Episode
Wow, Crystal Madison. She's lovely, and with a name like
that, she's already won in my mind. Lorenzo gives "[his]
African queen" high marks. Hey, how do you know she's
from Africa, Lorenzo? Oh, right. She's a black woman.
choose grade
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The curly-haired guy from San Diego says he's more closely
watching the girls than the guys. He's super-tall, and has a
goofy laugh. La Duke says he's got a body you "see on the
side of an underwear box." Um, "underwear box"? The hell?
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Ew, Mary has on a gold faux-Tiffany heart chain. I hate those
things. And she has a classic over-tweeze going on with her
eyebrows. Lorenzo, always off the mark, calls her look
"tasteful." But he whips out the laser pointer and notes that
her thighs are "fatty." The crowd boos.
Hee, there's a guy called Cheval. Cheval Royale. No, it's just
Cheval.
JD says that "this is the moment we've all been waiting for."
The end of the series? The announcement that war is or isn't
going to happen? Is the stock market coming out of the
dumper? Or perhaps some new jobs have been created and
all my unemployed or underemployed friends can quit
working at Tower Records? Oh, he meant he's going to
announce the final contestants from this "hot zone." Or,
which four men and women have "earned the right to
advance to the semi-finals?" Barf. David, Jimmy the giant
curly-haired guy, Dylan, and Dominic the Rhino. And now for
the women. BAMP BAMP BAMP BAMP! Crystal Madison, of
course, Brandy the Hawaii woman, Sheree, and Rachel. The
ballerina girl, not hot enough, twirls her hair compulsively as
she walks off-stage. Yeeps.
Usually this is the part where JD tells us to go online and
vote at the ABC website -- but instead we get a voice-over
telling us that, "due to current events, our hot zone four
semi-finalists will be selected by the judges." Current
events? What are those?
Oh, snap, more crying from the losers. The compulsive
ballerina girl says that she had a chance to get to know some
of the girls, and "nobody got the memo, or sent the memo to
[her] where stupidity became attractive." You missed that?
Maybe you were twirling your hair, Twirly. Mole-face says
that "it would be really nice to be moving on," then licks her
lips. Mooooole.
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Television Without Pity » Are You Hot? » Hot Zone 4: Southwest

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