Spring 1 - The Noble NoZe Brotherhood

therope
Cunning Linguist
broTheNoZeousMonk
Lorde Mayor
broBreakin’2:ElectricNoZealoo
Shekel Keeper
broFearAndNoZingInElmMott
E-Brother
broLovePotion#NoZe
Bored of Graft
broAbstiNoZe
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broNoZeSequitur
kekomuckitymuck
y
Keko Muckity Muck! Keko Kuckity Muck! Mene Mene Tekel Upharsin! Satchel on, Brother LongNoZe, Satch! BMMC! HRGS! BSSS! JLRC! LHOOQ! Peace to the masses of all colors and classes,
we are once again proud to bestow upon the mob this most thaumaturgic publication, in exchange for
obstinate vituperation or exuberant commendation (and all the means in betweens). And though we
prefer the latter, no matter, for the world turns on whilst Fats DomiNoZe gets fatter, and tuition gets
steeper, and the Brothers toil on, and the Chi O’s get cheaper. So enjoy gentle infidels! We arouse
and amuse, so ponder and peruse, pick and choose, contemplate and muse, mock and another word
ending with “ooze.” Should any of the following distress or bemuse, consult condolence or clarification, respectively, effectively, intensely, and severely. Sincerely, the NoZe Bros. May I procure from
somebody a Satch? Perhaps a Satchel!? Well, then, how about a Satcheliiiissimoooooooooo!
contactinformation
t
Noble NoZe Brotherhood
P.O. Box 612
Elm Mott, TX 76640
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
www.TheNoZe.org
The Brothers
broKuntNoZeKinte
broNoZeBeforeHoes
broFatsDomiNoZe
broNoZeDef
broNoZepotism
broCliff’sNoZe
Venerable Exiles
broKurtVonNoZegut
broMarlonBrandNoZe
broNoZeTableForOne
broDon’tCryForMeArgoentiNoZe
broBush’sKrispyTacNoZe
broRomaNoZeClef
broCharlesK.PoNoZi
broNoZtreDameWalkOn
broNoZeQuervo
broObiWanKeNoZebi
broMuMuMuMySharoNoZe
broSerpicNoZe
broNoZeanderthal
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broXeNoZeWarriorPrincess
broAlPaciNoZe
and a cast of thousands...
Trembling Neophytes, Sore Afraid
broNoMeansNoZe
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broTedKenNoZedy
broPanicAtTheDiscNoZe
THE ROPE
PAGE 3
How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Baylor
The air in the war room was still as the Board of Regents sat around
their table, discussing the current situation at Baylor. Jim Turner, Chairman
of the Board, stood up rather excitedly to address his fellow members.
“Well, we’ve accomplished a lot so far, folks. The motion has
passed to fund the development of a 22 million dollar on-campus football
practice facility out of consideration for the development of our students
(whom we care about deeply).”
Despite the lack of attention from his colleagues, he continued on.
“In addition, we have concluded that the school’s operating budget relies entirely too heavily on tuition funds, showcasing our brilliant
thinking in hiking the going rate 6.89 percent last semester. However, I
still don’t think I understand why Lilley is demanding that we refer to this
room as the ‘war room.’ This is the place where we hire labor to dole out
Dr. Pepper floats on Tuesdays for the students. There’s nothing ‘warish’
about it!”
The other regents looked around Barfield Drawing Room in surprise.
“I think you’re onto something there, Jim,” added regent Duane
Brooks. “Lilley, what do you have to say to that?”
President Lilley lifted his head up from his Casio 38X keyboard for
the first time since the meeting started.
“Look guys, you can’t really expect me to have a rhyme and reason for every action I do. No one held me accountable for my decisions
concerning Beckwith’s and Strathman’s tenure last semester, so why start
now? Besides, you’re the guys that hired a 70 year old Music Ph.D. for a
president. ...Deal with it.”
The room returned to ignoring the president, and set their attention
to regent Neal “Buddy” Jones who had just taken the floor.
“As many of you know, we’ve been at odds with the Baylor Alumni Association since its inception 60 years ago. Despite years and years of
work, we still haven’t been able to communicate to the alumni that their
opinions concerning Baylor are just plain wrong.”
The regents at the table began to murmur.
“Furthermore, seeing as Friends of Baylor pledged their full allegiance to Robert Sloan, they’re right up our alley. I say that we develop
a committee to research possible ways to revoke the Alumni Association
charter and instate Friends of Baylor as the official alumni center for Baylor. That way we can guarantee alumni conformity.”
The murmur finally grew to a vote, and after the matter was set-
tled. The regents turned to to Tommye Lou Davis, former Assistant to the
Chancellor and soon to be former Head of the Bush Library Project, who
addressed the regents.
“I know everyone here is a little surprised to hear that we are not
going to be getting the George W. Bush Presidential Library, and some of
you are upset that you found out through national news, but don’t think
I’m worthless now just because we lost the bid. We should begin work immediately on securing the Laura W. Bush Library of First Lady Things.”
“Then it’s settled,” Jim Tuner poked in, “you continue to work on
getting in contact with her people, and we’ll start promoting it as a done
deal and find some apartments to buy out and destroy for space.”
Tommye Lou sat down and Minette “Crazyeyes” Pratt’s turned to
address the table.
“I would like to announce the latest findings compiled by the regent subcommittee on Student Affairs. It has been determined, through
standard tactics such as apathy and data skewing, that Baylor relies much
more heavily on money (and spending it) than it does on actual students.”
The board applauded the committees findings, although several
veteran members of the board found this to be old news.
“I’d love to tell the students that they really matter,” Pratt continued on in her upbeat manner, “but the truth is, I just don’t care for them.
Besides, we all know they’re responsible for our placement drop in US
News and World Report, and that’s a documented fact. We’ve been trying
to bring that score back up by allocating all sorts of nonsense, and they do
this to us. Why the nerve--”
John Lilley, still enamored with his keyboard, interjected.
“There’s a Rope reporter here, by the way. ”
All eyes turned to Bro. TheNoZeous Monk, who was haplessly
smoking a cigarette in the corner.
“What in the hell!” spouted regent Arthur Lineberger, obviously
perturbed that someone had disturbed the sancity of their pow-wow. “This
is precisely why we can’t allow the students to have an elected regent.
Think of the atrocities!”
The other regents cheered him on.
“I’ll be damned if some snot faced punk knows what’s good for
this university. Granted, they’re pros at wasting money, but I’m not going
to waste my energy having to convince the guy I care about students!”
Bro. TheNoZeous put out his cigarette and turned to leave.
“I don’t even know why it shocks me anymore.”
Bankston’s
Cards and Collectables
Looking for that one-of-a-kind martian
outfit with authentic fishbowl helmet?
Try Bankston’s.
1321 S. Valley Mills
254.755.0070
PAGE 4
THE ROPE
Lariat upset about
Princeton Review’s top
lack of misconduct party school recruits top partier
After a hard-hitting spring 2006 for investigative reporters at the Lariat, city editor
Amanda Bray is calling for more hazing and
racism from Greek organizations this semester. The Lariat had a record number of readers
last spring during the breaking of the BYX and
Sig Ep scandals, raising their numbers 117%
to 36 people.
“We’ve really found that students like
to read interesting news about what’s going on
around campus,” Bray said. “Interesting is a
new direction for us, and one that we would
truly like to pursue.”
Sigma Alpha Epsilon’s racy party
brought everyone’s attention to the fact that
Baylor has a lot of white people. The Lariat
has since dubbed this story as Earth shattering. Lariat staff hopes for similar discoveries
this semester.
However, what was more shocking than SAE’s party (because let’s be honest, who didn’t expect that) was the hazing
that occurred within Brothers Under Christ.
Though the specifics were never published,
private e-mails between group members intercepted unethically suggest that whips, nudity
and pinecones were involved.
“We were just asking our pledges to
turn the other cheek,” BYX President Kevin Duke said. “Jesus would have done the
same.”
The Lariat staff is encouraging other
Christian groups to similarly imitate their
Savior.
“If Sigma Phi Lambda had the consideration to initiate a few pledge crucifixions,
we would all greatly appreciate it.”
BOULDER, CO -- A wave of enthusiasm nation beer pong tourney featuring all of the top
swept the University of Colorado yesterday as teams in our division. Currently, our Achilles’
highly sought-after high school partier Tito Swee- heal is in the second round when we play Phi Chi.
ney verbally committed to beginning his career The point is we need Sweeney, and when we saw
in Boulder. Sweeney confirmed his commitment his skills we offered him a bid on the spot,” stated
with two simple words: “Lets party!”
Sig Judson Bibby. However, after Baylor’s recent
At 6’4’’, 255 lbs., Sweeney poses a formi- drop in rank, the Sig Chi’s lost all hope of recruitdable presence to any happy hour, sorority func- ing the stud.
tion, or bar mitzvah. University President Billy
Critics argue Sweeney’s style is too oneFloyd summed up Sweeney’s potential impact, dimensional, focusing primarily on alcohol con“He’s a dynamic student-partier who will bring sumption and slacking in the “Giant Inflatable”
some excitement and
and “Petting Zoo” cateconsistency to a progories. However, Sweegram that has gotten a
ney claims there is more
little complacent despite
to his game than poundits number one ranking Lone Star and Tening.”
High Whiskey.
Sweeney’s ar“I won the ‘98 Narival in Colorado foltional Karaoke Champilows an illustrious high
onships in Milwaukee,
school career where he
Wisconsin...Clay Aiken
set countless social rewas runner-up,” he excords, and made a name
plained. “And you know
for himself in Greek cirthey don’t just give those
cles across the country.
away.”
Tito
Sweeney
seen
here
with
two
of
the
Fraternities are already
Contrary to most
top
partiers
in
his
division.
salivating at the prospect
medical research studies,
of Sweeney pledging.
Colorado officials assert
Beta Rush Chair Cameron Grigsby thinks he will that hard partying does not have the negative eflive up to the hype, “His 40 time is unmatched, I fects once claimed, albeit most of their research is
mean, the kid is a veritable hurricane!”
based on data gathered at bars, frat parties and AA
At least 8 other schools offered Sweeney meetings.
full scholarships, including party giants such as
Spirits continue to soar now that Colorado
Florida State, Wisconsin, and USC. Even a strug- has wrapped up the 2007-08 recruiting class, and
gling Baylor squad offered him a visit with the they’re focusing their efforts on winning the Allperk of a possible Sigma Chi party invite.
American Beer Pong Classic in later this year.
“At our last party we had a double-elimi-
Scruffy Murphys
Irish Pub
Looking to avoid your troubles? Comes to Scruff’s
and drown your sorrows.
Between 12th and 13th on Speight
THE ROPE
PAGE 5
 A Very Noze

Christmas
With a strong majority backing him,
PowerPoint was granted the privilege of tenured
faculty member at the Hankamer School of Business.
“Ever since he slid his way onto campus
in 1990, he has been a staple in every classroom,”
Dean Terry Maness said. “He’s the greatest multitasking, teleconferencing, strategizing, advertising, line-itemizing teacher I’ve ever seen. And
believe you me, I knew President Reagan; he was
a great man. But PowerPoint, he’s the real ‘Great
Communicator.’”
But there is a strong faculty minority that
does not agree with the appointment.
“Now that P-Point’s got tenure, what do
I have to offer our future Rockafellers, (Ken)
Lays and (Tom) DeLays? I can just have him
come in and it’s like he’s in the zone,” Dr. Larry
Chonko said. “He makes it look so easy. See ya
George’s.”
The strongest sect of the minority, those
professors that do not rely on PowerPoint as a
crutch, does not exist.
Other faculty members have voiced concerns over PowerPoint’s cutthroat business practices.
“It’s really hard to read him sometimes,”
Dr. Daniel Rajaratnam said. “He will use a blue
font with a purple background and you don’t
know if he is just joking about sleeping with your
wife, or if he actually is sneaking over during his
lunch break and defiling your marriage bed.”
“Hopefully I’m on track to make Master
Slide before the next decade is over,” he said. “If
anything I’d like to have a better office suite. It’s
really crowded in here with Word, Excel and Ac-
cess. And Publisher! What a worthless guy to
share an office with! He moved in two years ago
and sits on my couch eating my SnackWells and
drinking my Tab.”
Students who like to catch up on their
reading list fell in love with PowerPoint from the
start.
“I was able to finish Kafka’s Metamorphosis, Dostoevsky’s Crime and Punishment and
Sarah Morgan’s Public Wife, Private Mistress in
about two months worth of classes,” John Pushini
said. “If we didn’t have the attendance policy, I
could watch PowerPoint from my iPod. How hip
would that be? Real hip, that’s how hip.”
“I can’t remember a class where he wasn’t
right there looking right at me, motivating me to
be the best that I could be,” said Robert Griffin,
a senior management major. “He made class so
easy. Everything was spelled out in bulleted lists.
However, I didn’t quite understand why there was
a guy in the corner rambling the whole time, he
was starting to kill my buzz.”
Somebody needs to tell
me what is up with this
utter lack of respect. I
mean, I format your letters, I correct your mistakes, and I still get overlooked during the tenure
selection process. I won’t
stand for this. Next time
you need help writting
some stupid letter to your
“dear old” grandmother,
you’ll be up shit creek
when I fail to just pop up
out of the air and offer
my two bits.
Carbajal
Carbajal Realters
Realtors
“Jim, first it was too small, and now the house is
flooding! Find us a new place now, and for the love
of all things holy, get it from Carbajal this time!”
1219 Speight Ave
254.235.8343
Well, Christmas has come and gone here at
the NoZe Mansion, but it wasn’t with out its
fair share of repressed memories, surprises
and letdowns. Here’s how we scored.
What we asked for :
New underwear
Bad Bear Liquor Gift Certificate
A donkey, complete with good manners
Frankincense and Myrrh
Figurines of ourselves
To not get arrested
For the police to not press charges when we
get arrested
10,000 pink bowling balls
A diploma or four
Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men
What we received:
New underwear
A donkey piñata
Frankincense and Myrrh
4 Bobble-head Taco Bell Chihuahuas
12 months community service
9 months Alcoholics Anonymous
1 pink umbrella
We’re still working on the Peace.
(....Ok, we lied, we didn’t really ask for the
peace, but our list looked kind of selfish.)
PAGE 6
THE ROPE
(Linguist Note: While stumlin’ home late one night, Bro. No Means NoZe discovered this in somebody’s dumpster. What you are about to read came from the very bowels of Kappa Gamma herself.)
Too lazy to bend over and pick up
a Rope on campus?
Monthly commutes to Baylor
for the Rope becoming too cost
inefficient with the rising cost of gas?
Well, fret no more!
We’re here to save the day
with Rope subscriptions!
Dear Kappa Kappa Gamma:
It has come to my attention tonight after meeting that everyone is having fun in this sorority.
You might ask, “Why can’t we have fun?” Let me tell you something- if you joined this sisterhood
for frivolous pursuits than you’re a waste of this organization’s benefits. This is the sisterhood of
the pansy and pearl, dammit, and I will not have us turning into some Pi Phi madhouse just because
a couple girls would rather giggle every now and again. Giggling is for dishonorable whores, not
Kappa Gamma. Obviously you girls need a reminder of the rules, so let me break them down:
1. When other people are talking you be respectful and shut your damn mouth.
I realize you think you’re great. But unless otherwise noticed, you’re not. You only have the
privilege of thinking you’re great when you’ve achieve officer status, and even then it’s debatable.
But since they have the privilege of thinking they’re great, those who don’t even amount to that
should listen because “Kappa Gamma” without structure is “appa amma.” And that’s just stupid.
2. Giving the façade of enthusiasm when encountering a sister that you haven’t seen in over
two days by squealing and acting cheery to the point of inducing nausea is required.
Especially if you don’t really know them. Girls, we have a reputation of superficial amiability to maintain. How else are you going to look like you have a lot of friends, much less any?
3. Don’t even think about dating a guy one of your sisters may have dated, had a crush on, once
spoken to, or breathed near.
For a measley ten bucks, you or
someone you love can enjoy the
merry whimsey and scrumptious
satire of the Rope for an entire year
(that’s 365.242199 days!)
Shoot an email to
[email protected]
today, and we just might
include a surprise!
(Disclaimer: Let the buyer beware)
We all know that there are only 200+ girls in this sorority; you can manage to avoid all the
guys they may have at one time had some sort of a relationship (or encounter) with.
4. Pay daily sacrifice to the officers.
Now, I’m sick of saying this so heed my words you worms. Sing Chairs, Rush Chairs, and
Service Chairs are worth more than you. Their words are more important than yours, their faces are
cuter than yours, and frankly, their feelings matter more.
I realize everyone may hate me now, and that’s okay. I kind of hate myself.
KKG owns you,
Susan “Soul Sold to Sorority” Sutherland
Common Grounds
caffine bar
“Doctor, her pulse has doubled and I think her eyes are stuck like that.”
Common Grounds - So you can look awake, even in class.
1123 S. 8th St.
254.757.2957
THE ROPE
PAGE 7
Senioritis hits freshman hard
Freshman Sara Livingston was super- withdrawing.
stoked to come to Baylor in the fall, but after one
“She always ate the fries, dipped them in
semester, she’s throwing in the towel.
ice cream and wrapped them in a pancake. She
“I just can’t take it anymore,” she said. called it a comfort food.”
“I’m sooooo ready to get out of here.”
This was probably due to the fact that she
She made her decision during her second Chris- was searching for a man to be the ying to her
tian Heritage class a few weeks ago.
yang, but found that Baylor’s male to female ra“We went around and introduced our- tio didn’t play in her favor.
selves the first class and
Livingston sought
made some macaroni
friendship in the rush
art, but then we had to
process but was turned
crack open the books,”
down by her number
Livingston said. “Just
one choice, Pi Phi, deso you know…I don’t
spite her legacy status.
read.”
“They said my
Her friends said
hair wasn’t ‘mousy
she chronically combrown’ enough,” she
plains about her 12 hour
muttered while fighting
workload.
back tears.
The bad weather early
Her friends are
Even as a young girl, Livingston was often
in the semester also
baffled as to why she is
“too cool for school.”
spelled disaster for
so overwhelmed after
her wardrobe choices.
just one semester. To“How am I supposed to snag a man when I can’t ward the end of the semester, they held an inwear my high heels and hot pants?”
tervention at Dairy Queen to see if they could
Her biggest complaint was her living sit- change her mind. It ended in an all-night Blizuation as a resident of Collins dorm.
zard binge which felt good until bedtime when
“My roommate stole all the marshmal- regrets set in, as well as an extra 5 pounds.
lows from my Lucky Charms. Must’ve taken her
Livingston has big plans for her life now
hours. That’s the last straw,” she said.
that she’s left school.
She was also disappointed by the lack of
“I thought I would finish watching the
pillow fights, tickle wars in lingerie and tea par- Grey’s Anatomy DVDs and do a little cardio. Or
ties.
maybe just sit on my ass and eat a big bag of
Her roommate cited the fact that the Cheetos.”
“freshman 15” may have played a role in her
What is it, Boxers or Briefs?
NoZe Brotherhood runs
red traffic light
Yesterday, after coming to a complete
stop at the traffic light on 13th and Dutton,
Bro. Cliff’s NoZe put the pedal to the metal.
When questioned as to the meaning
of this incident, Bro. Cliff’s NoZe responded,
“Obviously you haven’t been in this group
very long.”
Related to this, Bro. KuntNoZe Kinte
was jailed for conspiracy to commit mattress
tag removal last Thursday.
Local police offer emergency
code in case of ATM holdup
Local police have informed the public
that entering your ATM pin number backwards
will automatically call police in the event of a
robbery. Citizens feel safe.
Local dyslexic man robbed
at gunpoint at local
ATM machine
Local dyslexic man Bob Renner was
robbed last night at gunpoint by a masked man
and was forced to withdraw $600 in cash from
his bank account. He said he is baffled by the
lack of police response in the city after the new
pin number safety feature.
“I sware I put it in backwards,” he said.
“There are only two ways to put in 1991.”
Updates from the blog-o-sphere, Lilley style
Cunning Linguist chastised for use of the term ‘Blog-o-sphere’
Members of Friends of Baylor were
shocked on Tuesday as President Lilley published his newest blog entry, simply titled “Just
another Manic Monday”, with the simple subtitle “I wish it was Sunday, cause that’s my fun
day.”
The blog entry describes a luncheon with
Kip “The Honorable” Averitt, a member of the
steering committee of Friends of Baylor, whom
Lilley referred to as “The Kipster,” “Vanilla
Swirl,” and finally “Bobby’s Boy.” According
to Lilley, the occasion was “lame” and “filled
with the suck”, much to the dismay of Friends of
Baylor.
“I can understand if the President didn’t
have a good time,” stated Averitt to Rope correspondents. But hell, people don’t normally go to
Two Minnie’s for their food, and it’s not my fault
that John was stuck with ‘Lazy-Eye’ Susan.”
Averitt was taken back by Lilley’s
thoughts. “Why would he write something so
insulting as that blog entry? That luncheon was
kickin’ rad at worst, and even with the lazy eye,
I’d take a night with Susan any day.”
When informed that one can’t really
“take a night” with anyone (or thing) during the
day, Averitt shrugged it off.
When bombarded with comments on his
entry, Lilley declined response. However, given
his regular schedule of posting his commentary
on his “lame-o” board of regents meetings every
Thursday, Lilley should be making another entry
before too long.
PAGE 8
THE ROPE
Bumbershoot: a Tale of Woe and Whimsey From the
Porcelain Throne of the Lorde Mayor
Rain. A steady downpour, little wind,
and the heavier storm that passed whilst all
were sleeping left puddles large enough to force
sidewalk commuters onto alternative routes:
the grass, the street, to balancing acts atop the
curbs. Some are well-equipped with umbrellas
and raincoats and galoshes while others run from
awning cover to door-frames to indoors.
I have no cover from the rain, I have no
desire to run from the rain, I walk at my regular pace. My shoes do little to keep my feet dry
and my socks are soaked. My clothes are heavy
and drenched with rain water. I walk towards my
destination, occasionally looking towards the
sky to watch the rain fall.
Perhaps this rain will become a flood and
this flood will become an ocean and this ocean
will carry me somewhere I’ve never been before.
Somewhere the National Geographic has yet to
find and I will be the first and all because this rain
had suddenly become a flood which had just as
suddenly become an ocean. Perhaps there people
will love me and ask me to tell them stories about
my home and laugh at my silly little customs and
I’ll laugh too because I know they’re silly. Or
maybe they will hate me and interrogate me and
laugh as I beg them to let me go free. For now
there is just the rain.
I am so drenched I wonder what dry feels
like. I can’t wait to know what dry feels like.
And warm, because I remember warm and dry
feel good. And comfortable, because I have been
walking for a while and the rain has made me
cold and wet and uncomfortable. I think of how
comfortable my bed would be right now. But I
keep pushing onwards, walking forwards.
see emotions as superfluous and fluids as essenWhat do squirrels do when it rains? I tial and anyone who dares waste fluids will be
have seen many squirrels around here. Just yes- sequestered until a court of supercomputers deterday I must have seen seven. But today there cides either to extract all resources from the indiare none and I wonder where they all might have vidual who has shown such irresponsible care for
gone. Perhaps they have another world of squir- his/her resources or to insert what they will call
rels somewhere far below the ground or among a ‘mind mentor’ into the emotional individual’s
a network of trees with tunnels in large hollow brain. This ‘mentor’ will be a computer that entree roots that no husures the human conman has ever discovtrols his emotions and
ered or even wondered
uses his/her fluids for a
about so I am the first.
more efficient purpose
I dare tell no one this
than the expression
for I know if I did they
Bro. TheNoZeous Monk of emotion. They will
would make fun of me
Cunning Linguist only prescribe a mind
and give me strange
mentor if they believe
looks and I do not like
the individual will not
that. I doubt the squirrels treat their peers in such have strong enough emotions to override the
a manner.
mind mentor, thus wasting technology and their
I cry sometimes. Tears are a lot like rain. inherent resources. This is not a
They travel down and they wet my face like rain- future I want to live in.
drops. I cry when I am sad. Who does the rain
The squirrels will be safe in their underfall for? Perhaps it falls for us all.
ground tree-root colonies when this happens. I
This is not to say the rain is bad. And this wish I were a squirrel.
is not to say my crying is bad. Crying feels good.
I stop. I have walked far enough and I
The rain feels good. Both feel like a great release am wet and cold and uncomfortable. I will turn
as if something has let go, let free emotion for back and seek refuge in my warm home where I
expression. So very rarely have I seen someone will hear the rain patter against my rooftop and
cry. Perhaps this is good. Perhaps this is wrong. take comfort in the sound, knowing that inside
I wonder if the squirrels cry. I suppose my home I am safe and dry and warm and comthey do. I suppose they’re even proud of their fortable. Perhaps I will dream of my moon and
tears.
delight in my government ploy hypothesis. That
When the robots take over no one will is all I can truly hope for. Anything else would be
cry because they will not allow the release of absurd.
fluids for emotional purposes because they will
“I still don’t think anybody’s
going to get this.”
Poppa Rollo’s Pizzeria
Yeah. She got some sausage.
Come to Rollo’s and get yours!
703 N. Valley Mills
254.776.6776
THE ROPE
PAGE 9
“Interpretive” history of
Baylor seeks new publisher
What Went Wrong:
Narrative and the Beginning of a Controversial
New Vision,” by Larry Lyon and “2012 is Awesome and My Execution was Flawless: How I
Singlehandedly Turned Baylor into the Greatest
School Ever,” by Robert Sloan.
Former President Robert Sloan, who is
scheduled to write a section of the book in response to the other essays as soon as they promise to portray his side of the story, said he was
“most upset” at Baylor University Press’s decision not to run it.
“I hate to see someone shoot down a
book just because it houses dissenting views.
This action runs completely contrary to the principles of academic freedom, which should run
freely through the university. And if anything,
snuffing out dissenters was my job at Baylor,”
Sloan stated.
He went on to utilize the “red herring”
tactic, saying that the move was also contrary
to good Baptist principles, which as president
of Houston Baptist University he couldn’t stand
for.
Carey “Carebear” Newman, director of
the Baylor University Press, is still baffled as to
the audacity of the two editors to try and publish
a “history book” based largely on coverup and
fallacy.
The deal with Regan is scheduled to
wrap up by the end of the summer, making this
the most embarrassing move for Baylor since
Dave Bliss brought prostitutes across state lines
for his basketball players in 2003.
Here is the break down for Baylor University’s reprehensible placement at 81st:
‘I thought we were done talking about Sloan’ groans NoZe Brother
In a shocking, but not all that unsurprising, move last week, former Provost Donald
Schmeltekopf and history professor Barry G.
Hankins have announced that they will contact
an outside publisher to deal their newest book.
This decision comes despite rejection from the
Baylor University Press and complete ridicule
during academic peer review.
The book, aptly titled Baylor Beyond
the Crossroads : An Interpretive History 19852005, is a collection of essays from selected
University administrators and professors about
Baylor during the “Tumultuous Twenty” years
(1985-2005). Much speculation has risen as to
whether the editors intended the archaic definition of the word ”interpretative” for the book
title, “bullshit,” since that definition is more fitting with the content as a whole.
“After much consideration into the matter,” Schmeltekopf began, “we decided that
since this is a book about Baylor, for Baylor, we
needed to deal with a publisher that embodied
the Baylor spirit in a way that only I do. I think
she’s a perfect fit.”
Talks have begun with Judith Regan,
publisher of book If I Did It by OJ Simpson, to
get the book put on bookshelves, proving to the
world that Judith Regan really will publish anything.
The essays slated to be released in the
book cover a variety of topics pertaining to the
environment in which Vision 2012 was developed, executed and ridiculed. Such titles include
“Baylor in the 1990s: The Fading of a Traditional
U.S. News and World Report judges each
collegiate institution by a strict and largely opinionated criteria, heavily influenced by bribery and
the use of malicious threats. And yet, the results
always come out ringing true to this nation’s academic establishments.
-27 points for a president with a music doctorate
+34 for a president from Reno
-8 for an annoying exclamation of school spirit
-18 for hiding behind the false appearance of
school spirit
+10 for not being as annoying with school spirit
as Texas A&M
+12 for the upcoming practice facility
-17 for conforming to everyone other school in the
Big 12 like some little bitch
-16 for high levels of mediocrity
+5 for an on-campus secret society
-12 for a humor-related secret society
-8 for a lack of ability to produce even a minimal
bribery due to Christian beliefs
-20 for hiding behind the false appearance of a
Christian-oriented student body
+3 for SUB bowling alley (The U.S. and World
News loves bowling)
-7 for having to attend Chapel
+10 for cool upcoming “Harry Potter-like” Brooks
Village (The U.S. and World News loves Harry
Potter)
-12 for hazing
+12 for hazing
Claypot
viet cusine
“You know I hate you Meredith, but I hate it
even more when we don’t eat at Clay Pot.”
920 K.H. Kultgen Fwy
254.756.2721
PAGE 6
THE ROPE
With Valentine’s Day right around the corner, it’s time to buy those flowers, make those mixed tapes and write out the sweet nothings you’re going to
Valentine’s
DayIfright
around
it’stime,
time and
to buy
those
flowers, make
thoseyour
mix own
tapes,sweet
and write
out the
you’re
gowhisperWith
in your
lovers’ ears.
you’re
shortthe
oncorner,
cash and
lack
the motivation
to write
nothings,
wesweet
at thenothings
Rope have
got you
ing to whisper
your lovers’
If as
you’re
cash and
just
lack athe
motivation
to write
your own
sweet nothings,
we here
at poetry
the Rope
covered.
No oneinwrites
nothingears.
quite
well short
as us.on
Taking
cuestime,
fromorDr.
Seuss,
man
who boasts
a doctorate
in seduction
arts, here’s
some
have
gottoyou
one writes
nothing
for
you
usecovered.
on all theNo
women
in your
life. quite as well as we do. Taking cues from Dr. Seuss, a man who boasts a doctorate in seduction arts, here’s
some poetry for you to use on all the women in your life.
The girl that
doesn’t know
I sit behind yo
u
In my Poli Sc
i class.
I can’t help b
ut find you
have a fabulo
us ass.
I give you a s
niff
Whenever I c
an.
With every w
hiff,
I’m a bigger f
an.
You smell lik
e destiny
mixed with sw
eat.
You bring out
the best in me
,
though we’ve
never met.
I’m sure you’
ll love me
if you give m
e a shot.
I’m confident
you’ll see
I, myself, am
pretty hot.
u love:
you exist:
Your hooker for the night:
Happy V-Day to the girl from the street.
I like the way you handle my meat.
It’s something below your boring face
That gets the blood flowing to the right place.
I don’t mind that there are other men,
or the fact that you live in sin.
Finish your business and take your cash
And don’t call me if you develop a rash.
The one yo
fat,
’re kind of
u
o
y
h
g
u
o
nose is flat,
r
u
o
Even th
y
d
n
a
re small,
of a chimp
e
m
s
your eyes a
d
in
m
e
p,
r voice r
dYear blim
o
o
though you
G
e
th
ore,
m
lium fro
ister ’s a wh
s
r
u
o
y
,
h
sucking he
c
it
a bore,
r mom’s a b
though you a dick and your dad’s
gs,
d onion rin
n
’s
a
r
e
th
th
a
o
e
r
d
b
e
r
you
lls lik
breath sme
r
u
o
y
strils sting,
h
o
g
n
u
y
tho
m
ner,
s
e
k
r, never thin
litosis ma
e
a
h
rg
r
la
u
o
w
y
o
r
d
g
an
you
ner.
ake my din
you though
m
e
v
d
n
lo
a
l
il
ly
r
w
I
gula
u put out re
Because yo
The
ped you:
ust dum
girl that j
heart.
den in my
id
h
e
r
a
,
part.
e said
gh we’re a
e things w
u
o
th
,
th
id
y
d
ta
e
s
,
sw
d bad
The thing
over me.
th good an
im
o
h
b
e
,
s
s
o
ie
h
r
c
o
em
ce you
And the m
ith him, sin
w
y
p
p
see.
a
h
’re
friends to
et
r
u
o
I hope you
ll
a
r
o
won’t forg
es f
ly
c
b
ie
a
p
b
o
r
in
p
net.
is
u
My heart
n the Inter
me but yo
o
t
e
m
e
rg
o
th
f
t
y
u
you ma
ince I p
Someday
k of you s
o
to
I
s
e
r
ed pictu
Those nak
Your virgin girlfriend (a haiku):
My loins are lonely
Sexual frustration
Come on, baby, please
THE ROPE
Bearbucks now help cover “bare tusks”
Use of phallic imagery in title makes freshman laugh
Bearbucks: Baylor students’ num- “activity” and participation. He even prober one way to pay for food, movies and... posed a program that would put them in the
condoms? Horny undergrads with no allow- food court at the SUB in case students “get
ance have been heading to the Shell station the urge” after some Chick-Fil-A.
at Fifth Street and Dutton to stock up on rub“There’s that nice grassy knoll in the
bers for Spring, hence referred to in this ar- SUB Bowl that’s just perfect,” Lilley said.
ticle as “Lovin’ Season.”
“Just like my favorite Van Morrison song…
“I usually get my parents to put a few [singing] Makin’ love in the green grass,
hundred bucks on the card each semester,” across the stadium with you, my brown-eyed
Blake Bulger said. “But this Lovin’ Season girl.”
I’ve been running a little low. I’m not getStudent Body President Mark Layting any. I just chose the
mon opposes the new
wrong time to pick up an
rule, citing the fact that
expensive smoking habLilley’s office window
it.”
faces the SUB Bowl.
But those students
The Southern Bapwho are doing some horitist Convention has yet
zontal dancing are sayto pass down an official
ing thanks for the new
statement on the matter,
policy that finally doesn’t
unfortunately it lacks the
prohibit the purchase
power to overturn Lilof something so clearly
ley’s position due to the
deemed prohibited by the
fact that the university’s
Baptist church like a deck
operating budget is no
of Hoyles, a fifth of Jack
longer subsidized by
or a pair of blue suede
the convention, further
Sheri Lewis: Wrapping up her
shoes.
propelling Baylor into a
lamb chop the Native American
“I think you can
state of perpetual debt.
way since 1967.
still buy a deck of cards,”
But now the argument
Bulger said while he read this article over has shifted from “should condoms be availmy shoulders.
able to students” to “what kind should be
“Shut up, virgin,” I told him. “Go enjoy your available.” While latex is the most common,
cancer sticks somewhere else.”
some Native American students are pushing
News from Pat Neff was mixed on to have lambskin condoms available, arguthe prophylactic situation. Some administra- ing that there’s nothing quite like wrapping
tors felt pressured to give in to peer pressure your lamb chop the natural way and then eatwhile others stayed strong in their faith and ing one fifteen minutes later.
just said no. Either way, President John LilHowever Ex-President Robert Sloan
ley said they would stay on the racks, citing is preaching abstinence.
Imperative II of Vision 20xx, which seeks
“Children are a gift from God,” Sloan
to create residential and student life facili- said. “But it also helps to have a few of them
ties and programs that encourage on-campus around when you’re old and batshit crazy.”
PAGE 11
The Cosmo Quiz
Name
John Malkovich Lilley
My favorite part of my body is:
a.
my butt
b.
my love handles
c.
my abs
d.
my legs
e.
other: my spider veins (calves) √
I feel sexiest in:
a.
a three-piece suit
b.
jeans and a sweater vest
c.
a Speedo
d.
nothing at all √
e.
other
I just don’t feel hot if I don’t have:
a.
Metamucil √
b.
a full body wax
c.
pectoral implants √
d.
a little chest hair showing
e.
a tan
My favorite sect of Christianity is:
a.
Baptist
b.
Presbyterian
c.
Methodist
d.
Catholic
e.
other: Wherever the wind blows √
I’ve been in love:
a.
once
b.
twice
c.
four or more
d.
never
e.
too many times √
The best part of being president is:
The presidential manor. I dont know if you
guys have noticed, but just yesterday I discovered
a huge pool in my backyard! It even has a BU
written on the bottom of it. I still have no idea
how they painted that down there with all the
water in the pool.
The worst part of being president is:
The photo ops with the bears. Those
things scare the hell out of me.
PAGE 12
THE ROPE
Mr. PuZzle sez:
“Do me!”
Down:
2 Lunch meat.
3 Slang term for nonsense.
1 A large seasoned sausage made of finely ground
meat, usually beef and
pork, that has been cooked and smoked.
4 Capital city of Emilia-Romagna in northern Italy.
5 American version of Italian mortadella.
Across:
8 An Oscar Mayer product.
9 In Pittsburgh, “jumbo.”
2 Another term for “hangover.”
52 In Chicago, “bosaus.”
17 typically served in a sandwich, one of the most
common U.S. “cold cuts.”
“Listen Marge, these outfits are all well and good, but
wouldn’t it have been easier to just go to Bear Cotton?”
THE ROPE
PAGE 13
FOR SALE
Futon, lightly used, large brown
stain, $5. Call after midnight.
Lot of four dozen unisex socks,
assorted colors, one size fits all.
Make an offer.
20 foot shrimp boat w/ cannon.
Local pickup only. Send inquiries to [email protected].
WANTED
Wanted: 25 foot shrimp boat w/o
cannon. Will pay extra for shipping.
Make $25,000/hour selling heroin to recovering methadone
addicts. No conscience a plus.
Send resumes to ihaveadrugproblem@bleachyourneedles.
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CLASSIFIEDS
Wanted: Shekel Keeper for
the Noble NoZe Brotherhood
(Satch!) Odd dealings and shady
business practices a must. Complete lack of ambition and social
skills a bonus. Don’t worry, we’ll
contact you.
male, late 40s, divorced, unemployed. I’ve got a lot of free time
on if you’d like some company,
or some original poetry.
You: Labrador with pink collar. Me: Wiener dog. Big things
come in small packages.
MISSED CONNECTIONS I saw you from afar outside the
cafeteria. You were dripping with
Me: guy in “legalize it!” shirt. You: cheese and covered in ketchup.
girl with hemp tote bag in Food I salivated in your direction but
for Thought. You winked at me you stood motionless. Is it too
from beneath your dirty hair and much to ask for you to just look
ordered a burrito. I would love to at me? I have needs too? What’s
hear your views on a community your name?
recycling program.
I saw you at Scruff’s three weeks
ago. You looked at me like I was
the last person on earth you
would go out with. I don’t read
people well. Call me.
You: girl jogging on Bear trail on
Friday afternoon. Me: chunky
I’m new in town and just looking for someone to show me
the ropes. I enjoy roller blading,
watching movies and breaking
up marriages. Must be Jewish.
WBM seeks SWF for good time.
I don’t know how many days I
have left, and I would like to enjoy
sharing them with a companion.
Must have a zest for life. Looks
not an issue. I have realized with
age that personality and good
conversation are much more important. Must be under 21.
PERSONALS
HOLY LAW
SWF looking for SWM for long
walks on beach, fine Italian dinners and bondage sessions.
Your dungeon or mine. Call anytime before 3 PM and ask for
Snowball.
Holy Law #9 Ropes and I’m outa
here! It was bittersweet at best.
Holy Law #1 Last time to put in
space filler, let’s see if anyone
notices.
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Tuesday till Thursday
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PAGE 14
Here’s Why We Suck.
This campus needs a lot of improvement. And for all
you zealous Baylor fans out there screaming “No! Baylor is
the best school this world has ever seen! Sic’ em!” I offer you
these two gems: first off, for the love of Burleson (everyone
loves that guy), stop saying “sic’ em.” Second, ask the opinion of U.S. News and World Report. They ranked Baylor the
81st school in its list of America’s Best Colleges. Last time I
checked, the best isn’t 81st. The best is 1st. When you crunch
the numbers that means we’ve got “to bust an academic cap
into the collegiate ass*” of some six-dozen plus schools before
we’re recognized. But that’s a long way off from happening
since when money burns a hole through the trousers of Baylor
U, instead of spending that shiny new quarter wisely they blow
it all on some fancy new practice facility. I see where you’re
going with this guys- you think maybe if our athletes practiced
they would be good, and if our athletes are good, our school
will enter the “crunk*” echelon, resulting in a chock-full inbox
of admissions for exceptional students dying to ride the coattails of an athletically exceptional school. Oh Baylor, you’re
naive.
Just off the top of my head, I can think of a billion more
ways that money could be well-spent. Moving sidewalks ranks
at number, and I think a lot of my peer pedestrians agree with
me on this one. That’s closely followed by a tram system, like
the kind you see at Disney World. Or perhaps a campus subway or utilization of the Brazos- we could start building the
focus of our growing university around the river and commute
to class by boat. I haven’t heard of any universities that have
taken advantage of the modern transportation technologies and
frankly, I think Baylor could bank on recognition if the surveyors didn’t have to walk around whilst critiquing the campus. In
fact, I’m willing to bet Baylor would benefit significantly if we
tried just about anything to make the student body’s experience
easier. Perhaps we should make students Baylor’s number one
priority. I don’t know. Call me crazy. But honestly, how could
anyone with the choice between self-animation and machinemanaged movement choose to waste their energy on self motivated transportation? The energy wasted on getting to class
could be better used for actually learning.
I guess what I’m getting at is that this 22 million practice facility can only take our university so far. Athletes are a
dying breed- and if you’ve looked at technology in the past
five minutes it suggests that we’re going to eventually surpass
the ability of humankind with robotic development, and robots
don’t need to practice, they just need upgrades. If you don’t
understand, watch Blade Runner- it explains everything.
*Quotes taken from Board of Regents, “Enhancing our Campus through Contemporary Communication” Conference. The
PowerPoint Presentation was, as Lilley said, “off the heezy
for sheezy” whilst thrusting his hips. Trust me, it was quite a
scene, man.
THE ROPE
POINT
A black man in the White House?
Yeah, in the kitchen.
Let’s face it, I’ve already been president. This time around it’s for bragging rights, and
I’m not about to let someone else beat me to it.
When I win this thing, I’ll be the first person to
be first lady and president. On second thought, I
guess Bill will hold both titles as well.
But I’ve got an ace up my sleeve. The
first female president… to be assassinated… by
Hillary Clinton
the Democratic runner-up. When Barak loses, I’ll
Loud Bitch
hire him to take me out. I’ll be an American legend
for strong, young women to look up to for decades
to come. Statues will be erected in my honor. I’m thinking for my inauguration party
I’ll get Natalie Merchant, Sarah McLaughlin and Alanis Morissette. Maybe I can
get her to change the lyrics to “You Oughta Know” to “would she go down on you
in the Oval Office?”
But I digress. The point is I can’t lose. People say I’ve got ice water in my
veins, but that’s because I’m a robot. You got a problem with that? Yeah, I didn’t
think so.
COUNTER
POINT
A woman in the White House?
Yeah, in the kitchen.
I didn’t claw my way up from the mean streets
of Hawaii to have a woman beat me for President.
Isn’t “female president” an oxymoron or something? I swear there’s something in the Bible
about women submitting to men who are spending millions to win public office. Give to Caesar
what is Caesar’s and to Obama what is Obama’s.
Hey intern, throw that on a bumper sticker.
You know what I’ve got that Hillary doesn’t?
Not chest hair. Guts. Guts to take a position as the
Barak Obama
first African-American president of the Harvard
Half Offended
Law Review. What was Hillary doing? Serving on
the board of directors for TCBY. I bet she was really at home trying to sell people on
a product that’s cold and soft protected by a crunchy shell. I’m a man of the people.
Read that again. A MAN of the people.
One time Bill told me that a woman’s place was under a desk. I couldn’t
agree more.
Editorial
What’s the deal with the elevators in the Science Building?
By: Bradley Katzenjammer.
Kappa Sig Pledge
(Linguist Note: Good ol’ Bradley requested we not run his rather brief
and naive editorial in this edition of the Rope, for fear that a girl would
read it and cost him his slot in Kappa Sig. I couldn’t be happier.)
THE ROPE
Point: We’re killing our planet
By: Cathy Phillips, tree hugger
Guys, we’ve got a serious problem on our hands. I’m not talking
about the Bush library; I’m talking about something like, way more important. It’s global warming and if you’ve ever read, “An Inconvenient Truth”
(I did because I care that much), or watched the
movie, then you know we’re killing our planet.
Wanna argue? Why don’t you try arguing with
this unusually hot weather we’ve been having.
Yeah that’s right, only a mindless creationist or
Republican would argue with the weather.
Connect the dots already, would you? Snow
is disappearing from mountaintops while the
Penguins are marching into extinction. Unless
you’re taking crazy pills, or for some of you
– anti-crazy pills, then you’ve got to realize
what’s up. Look people, scientists have reached
a consensus on global warming. Consensus
means only idiots disagree, and those disagreeing idiots have Ph. D’s. Puts your skepticism in
perspective doesn’t it? Just like Trident Chewing Gum, 4 out of 5 geniuses support it.
But it’s not too late to act. If everyone pitches in and stops driving
their macho SUV’s we’ll have a good start. We can’t stop there though;
we’ve got to use wind power and solar. It’s our only protection against
further Earth raping. It’s now or never people, and unless upper-middle
class Americans do something we’ll kill our planet and ourselves. It’s time
to wise up and stop being wise-asses.
Dear Superman,
When I get my hands on that shipment of kryptonite I
bought on eBay, you’ll never foil my plans again!
-Your Nemesis
Dear Lex Luthor,
Wrong superhuman being.
Dear Lorde Mayor,
Smitherin’ Blimeys, you’ve become arrogant! This group has
no room for despotism.
-The Humor Society
Dear fellow Noble NoZe Bros.
Are you kidding me!? Because if you are this is not the
group for monkeyshines and tomfoolery.
Dear Lorde Mayor,
I’m back bitches!
-The Polyani Exile.
Dear Dempski,
And I hear you’ve been getting paid for your twoyear vacation. That’s job security you can’t get without
counting on the ignorance of others.
PAGE 15
Counterpoint: No, I’m killing YOU
By: Earth, third planet from the sun
I don’t know why you humans are always saying things like, “We
need to protect our Earth!” Always holding your “Earth Days,” and hugging trees, trying to come up with ways to keep me healthy. Frankly, this
here planet’s on an extensive but definite suicide run and whichever way I
go, and I’m taking you all with me.
I mean, not to be arrogant or
anything, but do you realize how minuscule you are compared to me? To
all the happenings of this universe?
Can you fathom how little your use
of fossil fuels will affect my extensive future? I’ve been through all
kinds of ages and let me tell you- this
one’s not going to end me. Are you
seriously not aware that I was one
of the sole survivors of the comet
that ruined dinosaur existence? And
while I’m on the topic of that, at least they took their demise with dignity.
You can do whatever you want- flood me, melt my crust with nuclear war, drastically alter my climate with your obsession for over-sized
transportation vehicles and aerosol products, because 3rd Rock’s not going
out like that. You people are always speculating about how the world is
going to end.
T.S. Eliot once said, “This is how the world ends: not with a bang
but a whimper.” Wrong, Eliot. This world’s got a death wish and when that
wish is realized you can be damn sure it’s going to cause a ruckus.
Dear Lorde Mayor,
I’ve heard rumors that students think I “toot my
own horn.” Do you think that’s true?
-The Quintessential Gentleman
Dear Hugh Riley,
For the love of God, man! You showed your college report
card in class on the projector for an entire lecture! Impressive,
by the way.
Dear Lorde Mayor,
How the hell did you get a hold of this letter? I don’t even
read the Rope!
-indifferent cuz it’s cool.
Dear Baylor student body,
I know right!? I’m pretty sure you don’t even read!
Dear Lorde Mayor,
Hey, we got this Presidential library we’re trying to get rid
of, we heard you were interested.
~Methodist Mustangs
Dear SMU,
Your despair foreshadows your damnation.
Come to UnRush, now in 3D!
The Noble NoZe Brotherhood is hosting its 83rd bi-annual
UnRush on Thursday, February 8th at 11:17 Post Mullet in
the COURTYARD (long time fans, notice the change) of 7th
and James Barely Baptist Church (on James Street). Bring
your 3D glasses, and whatever you do, don’t come!
Wanna be a NoZe Brother?
Paper pickup will be Sunday, February 11th, at 3:47 Post Milk in the vicinity of the Burleson Statue on Baylor Campus. Original satirical submissions of 4,219 words or less (preferably
much, much less) in a humorous fashion will be accepted. Include your name, phone number and
GPA. Remember, NO teats, piddle, or caca, and for Elmo’s sake..BE FUNNY THIS TIME!
www.bearcribs.com
Free* off campus
housing advice and
recommendations
Off-campus Housing Information Center
Because that little house on the
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Open Monday - Saturday, 11 - 8
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*Not only is it free, but you get a $25 gift certificate to Congress Clothing or Clay Pot when you use Bear Cribs to find a place. Chew on that.