May - Southern Humor

Southern Humor
The Funniest Paper
P.O. Box 7335
McMinnville, TN 37111
Celebrating 14 Years
of Laughter!
The Problem with Jury Duty
Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday,
our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called the
clerk’s office to remind them that she was exempt
because of her age.
"You need to come in and fill out the exemption
forms," the clerk said.
"But I filled them out last year," she replied.
"You have to fill them out every year."
"Why? Do you think I’m getting younger?"
Lawnmower Upgrade
FREE
in Town!
May 2016
931-668-7377 Volume 15, No. 69
Broadway Hardware Co.
At age 70, my grandfather bought his first riding lawn
mower. "This thing is great," he bragged to my brother. "It
took me only an hour and a half to mow the lawn. It used to
take your grandmother two days to do it all!"
“Where old-fashioned values can still be found everyday!”
Happy Mother’s Day
to Geraldene Wilkerson
a great Mom.
Big Selection of
Garden tools
and canning
supplies.
The Woes of Aging
The day after visiting a fair, my wife was in agony.
"You know you’re past your prime," she said, "when
you hurt all over and all you rode was the massage
chair."
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Pick a husband, any husband
Tanning Salon
As the hostess at the casino buffet showed me
to my table, I asked her to keep an eye out for my
husband, who would be joining me momentarily. I
started to describe him: “He has gray hair, wears
glasses, has a potbelly …”
She stopped me there. “Honey,” she said, “today is senior day. They all look like that.”
Mom's Call
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HOURS: Mon-Fri 9am-8pm
Sat 9am-4pm, Sundays CLOSED
I was sound asleep when the telephone jarred
me awake.
"Hi!" It was my peppy mother-in-law. She proceeded to rattle on about the busy day she had
ahead and all the things that awaited her the rest of
the week.
"Mom," I interrupted. "It’s five in the morning."
"Really? What are you doing up so early?"
My grandson is a smart egg
At the mall, my five-year-old grandson joined
the other children in line waiting to sit on the Easter
Bunny’s lap. When it was his turn, Jake didn’t move;
he just stared.
“Don’t you want to sit on the bunny’s lap?” I
asked.
“No!” he shouted. “There’s a man in his mouth!”
No dumb questions (except this one)
Just before the final exam in my college finance
class, a less-than-stellar student approached me.
“Can you tell me what grade I would need to get
on the exam to pass the course?” he asked.
I gave him the bad news. “The exam is worth
100 points. You would need 113 points to earn a D.”
“OK,” he said. “And how many points would I
need to get a C?”
The key to a good marriage
I once gave my husband the silent treatment
for an entire week, at the end of which he declared,
“Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”
THE
Garden
Cafe
931-498-3322
The All “New” Bill Boruff
931-837-8826
Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket,
Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.
“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”
“But Larry’s still alive.”
“I know, but his hair is gone.”
Classy Closet
Jason Phy
Sales Professional
Happy Mother’s
Day!
Rugs, Jewelry, Purses, Furniture, Pictures,
Shoes, Clothes from infants to Men’s
& Plus sizes.
Crossville Outlet Center, Suite 120.
931-787-1599
2)
(Rickman Community)
931.738.9275 • [email protected]
Direct Line: 931.265.6234
The Wrong Lesson
I supervised an employee who had a negative
view of everything
I did. If I took a vacation day, I was “never there.”
If I praised someone’s work, it was “too little, too
late.”
He eventually took another job but was fired six
months later. Shortly thereafter, he contacted
me, hoping to return to his old job.
“Have you learned anything from this experience?” I asked.
“Yes, I should have stayed here,”
he admitted. “You’re too indecisive to have ever
fired me.”
The kids know what I do
Open 7 Days
a Week
3880 Cookeville Hwy, Cookeville,TN 38506(
120 Auto Lane, Sparta, TN 38583
I’ve been working on my PhD
in engineering for the past five years, but my kids
don’t necessarily see that as work.
As we were driving past Walmart one day, my
son spotted a Now Hiring sign and suggested that
I could get
a job there.
Hoping to make a point, I asked, “Do you think
they’re looking for an engineer?”
“Oh, sure,” he said. “They’ll hire anybody.”
Read Southern Humor
online at: www.Southernhumor.net
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1237 Rock Island Rd (Hwy 136)
Rock Island, TN 38581
Twin Lakes Tractor & Lawn
“Living life one
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Authorized
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Russell Long - Owner
931-498-4848
931-319-1851
105 Rickman Monterey Hwy
Cookeville, TN 38506
[email protected]
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Get Out of Jail Fast!
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How Did You Know The War Was Over?
My 90-year-old dad was giving a talk at our local library about his World War II experiences. During the question-and-answer period, he was asked,
“How did you know the war was over?”
He replied, “When they stopped shooting at me.”
My First Job…
I got my first full-time job, but I could have sworn
I was making more money in college, working for my
parents as their daughter.
The Magician
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The
audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed
himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only
one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and
began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once
he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.
"Look, it's not the same hat!" " Look, he's hiding the flowers
under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the
captain's parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician
found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and
of course the parrot was by his side.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.
This went on for several days.
After a week the parrot finally said, " Okay, I give up. What'd you
do with the boat?"
Read Southern Humor online at:
www.Southernhumor.net
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In Impossibly Long Leave
An insurance agent called our medical office.
One of our doctors had filled out a medically necessary leave-of-absence form for a patient, but, the
agent said, the patient had altered it. The giveaway?
The return-to-work date had been changed to
February 30.
Elaine’s
HAIR DESIGN
Elaine Rains
Audra Campbell
473-9647
Open: Tuesday-Thursday
Friday-Saturday
85 Bratten St.
McMinnville
Time for a
Policy Update?
Complete Insurance Services
• Automotive
• Homeowners
• Renters
• Commercial
• Life
• RV & Boat
• Health
• Motorcycle
Greg Brown
Insurance Consultant
[email protected]
www.themackiegroup.net
THE MACKIE GROUP Cell 981.808.8840
LIFE • HEALTH • RETIREMENT
Fax
931.837.7724
305 East Bockman Way, Sparta, TN 38583
For any special occasion coming up don’t forget
Clayton Shoes in Downtown Tullahoma.
Serving the area for over 100 years
with service, quality & fit.
Specializing in Slim to Wide Shoes.
We measure your feet!
Gift Certificates & Free Gift Wrapping
931-455-2722
Mon-Fri 9:30 - 5:30; Sat 9:30-12:00
108 W. Lincoln Street, Downtown Tullahoma
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(3
The Race
Lay-a-way
Available
Pretty T hings
554 North Chancery St. McMinnville, TN • 931-474-7789
Come Check Out Our New Spring Apparel!
Custom Embroidery starting at $6
We Specialize in Baby Gifts!
Check
us out on
Facebook
Embroidery Purses & Gifts
Read Southern Humor online at:
www.Southernhumor.net
NEED TIRES?
New & Used Tires
Call David Drannan
the Mechanic on Duty.
615-215-9174
POKEY’S
FIX-A-FLAT
Tire Service
633 West Broad
Smithville, TN 37166
There was a man named Cletus that lived
in a small town with only one traffic light. Cletus
had saved up his money and bought a mo-ped.
One day Cletus was at the light waiting for it to
turn green when a shiny new Corvette convertible pulled up next to him. Cletus had never seen
anything like this in his life. The Corvette had its
top down so Cletus leans over the side of the car
and starts checking out the interior. This annoys
the driver of the vette so when the light turns
green he steps on the gas, laying down rubber as
he leaves the intersection. He gets up to 60mph
when suddenly Cletus flies by him on his moped. The driver of the vette says to himself "This
clown wants to race". Shifting into 4th gear he
steps on the gas again. He leaves Cletus in his
dust as he gets up to 100mph. Then out of nowhere he sees Cletus coming up fast in his rear
view mirror. He can't believe it as Cletus flies by
him again on his mo-ped. The driver of the vette
shifts into 6th gear and floors it. He passes Cletus and gets up to 150mph! Once again, Cletus
passes him like he's standing still. Shocked, the
driver of the vette pulls over to the side of the
road. He hears gravel flying and brakes squalling
as Cletus pulls up next to him. The driver of the
vette congratulates Cletus on winning the race
and asks him what kind of an engine he has in
his mo-ped. Puzzled Cletus replied "Race? I was
just trying to get my suspenders off of your sideview mirror."
Lots of hanging Basket,
flowers, Lots of Gifts for Mom!
931-836-3805
Serving You Since 1968
931-473-3003 Day or Night
100 Clark St., McMinnville, TN
Owners: Carl & Nell Morrison
Just Viisiting
My mom moved into a new condo, and I went
to visit for a couple of days. Searching for a coffee
cup one morning, I sighed, “It seems like I’m always looking for something in your kitchen.”
“That’s good,” Mom said. When I looked confused, she explained, “Because when you know
where to look, it’s time to go home."
The Final Fix
I can’t tell the difference between a rose and a
dandelion. So when it came time to fix up my garden, I had no clue which plants to keep and which
ones to remove. Until, that is, my mother gave me
this handy tip: “Pull them all up. If it comes back,
it’s a weed.”
Mother-In-Law Suite
My wife, a real estate agent, wrote an ad for a
house she was listing. The house had a secondfloor suite that could be accessed using a lift chair
that slid along the staircase. Quickly describing
this feature, she inadvertently made it sound even
more attractive: "Mother-in-law suite comes with an
electric chair."
Lester Fowler, Founder
BODY SHOP 931-473-5421
xplorer
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o
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0
200
$
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210 Old Morrison Rd., McMinnville, TN 37110 • Fax: (931) 473-7061
Unique Gift
Give us a call
Mitchell’s Automotive
SALES • SERVICE • TOWING
204 Morford St. • McMinnville
931-474-1789
WE FINANCE!
Due to our deadline some units may be sold.
4)
Morrison’s Florist
Body &
Frame Repairing
Painting
233 N Spring St. • Sparta, TN 38583
Buy Here Pay Here
“Mother’s hold their children’s
hands for a short while, but
their hearts forever…”
Terry Fowler, Owner
Come in and see what’s new!
The
Fruit
Market
Happy Mother’s Day
Hoover & Son
INSURANCE
931-473-2200
Every year on my birthday, I looked forward to
my aunt’s gift—a scarf, hat, or sweater knitted by
hand. One year, she must have had better things to
do because I received a ball of yarn, knitting needles, and a how-to-knit book. Her card read "Scarf,
some assembly required."
Young Help
In an attempt to balance work and motherhood,
I delegated the grocery shopping to my young babysitter. But the job proved a tad daunting. One day
while I was at work, she texted me from the supermarket. “Can’t find Brillo pads,” she wrote. “All they
have are Tampax and Kotex.”
Brought to You By Our Loyal Advertisers. Visit us online at: www.Southernhumor.net
Comfort Chairs 3 Styles to choose from
Computer Desks
Sofas & Sleeper Sofas
Lamps-Floor & Table
King & Queen Beds
Décor Pictures
Computer Chairs
Night Stands
Tables, End Tables, Coffee Tables
Wardrobe
Armoire * DVD;s * TV’s
Have You Heard?
…Friendship is the thread that
keeps us all connected.
Gray Barn
QUILTS & FABRIC
Come and check us out!
Thurs. & Fri. 9am-5pm
Sat 9am - 12pm
After Hours - Call for Appt.
Notions, Aprons , Quilts for Sale,
Material & Embroidery Floss
Jennifer Grove, Owner (931) 474-6038
615-597-9174
Donna Pedigo 931-474-1121
Mark Pedigo 615-597-9174
Hotel
Furniture
& Estate
Liquidation
819 W. Broad St., Cookeville, TN 38501 *
931-646-4880
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Comfort Chairs 3 Styles to choose from
Computer Desks
Sofas & Sleeper Sofas
Custom
Machine
Quilting
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Turn Key Bail Bonding
Warehouse
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See our inventory at warehousetn.com
35
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The quality remains long
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435 West Broad Street, Cookeville, TN 38501
eville
Cook
“We have the Key to set you FREE!”
Howard
Mayberry
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931-260-8438
Cell
Since
1935
931-526-2013
Mothers Day With Toddlers
On Mother's Day, the mother of three little kids was celebrated with kisses, hugs, cheerios
for breakfast in bed, dandelions from the yard, and crayon drawings.
As much as she loved it, all the activity made the house a bigger mess than usual. After
a long day, she finally got the kids in bed early. All she wanted to do was clean up and relax.
She put on an old gown from the back of the closet, went into the bathroom and coated
her face with thick, white facial cream. Then she started washing her hair.
But the kids were not settling down. She could hear them talking, giggling, jumping on the
beds.
Finally in exasperation she wrapped her head in a towel, ran into their bedroom and
sternly told them to calm down and go to sleep.
After she left, she overheard the youngest one ask, “Who was that?”
Prospecting for the Lord
On a sunny Sunday afternoon, two young church members were going door to
door to invite people to visit their services. When they knocked on one door, it was
immediately clear the woman who answered was not happy to see them.
She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message,
and before they could say anything more, she slammed the door in their faces.
To her surprise, however, the door did not close; in fact, it bounced back open.
She tried again, really putting her back into it, and slammed it again with the same
result - the door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in her door, she
reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson. Just then, one of them
said quietly: "Ma'am, before you do that again, you really need to move your cat."
No Sale
"Is your mother home?" the salesman asked the small boy.
"Yeah, she's home," the boy said, scooting over to let him past.
The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again. Still
no one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the fellow said, "I thought you said your
mother was home!?"
The kid replied, "She is; but this isn't where I live."
Thank the Advertisers for the…FUNNIEST PAPER IN TOWN! Visit us online at: www.Southernhumor.net
(5
t
o
h
M
e
r
'
y
s
p
D
p
a
a
y!
H
Happy Birthday
Rebekah Barrett 5-20
My Beautiful Granddaughter
I'm so proud of you.
Daughter of April & Aaron Barrett
Happy Birthday to
Cindy Hotalen 4-30
At Sparkle City Tanning
A special Happy Birthday to Connie
Weeter 5-6 you are a great friend.
Hadassah Joy
Griffith
5-9
Daughter
of Jannette
& Gordon Griffith
Granddaughter
of Joyce Argo
Happy Birthday!
Aaron Barrett 5-14
Son of April & Aaron Barrett
My cute wonderful Grandson
We love you Aaron!
BIRTHDAY WISHES!
Mieah Welch 5-2
Chase Gannon 5-5
David Morris II 5-7
William (Billy) Morris 5-11
Ruth Walker 5-15
Wendy Curran 5-16
Linda Bowsman 5-17
Louree Barrett 5-24
Christie Turner 5-28
A message from my heart…
Happy Mother's Day to a few Special Women that has been a part of my
life. Hilmer Smith Ward, My Mom, Thanks for being such a great Mom.
I miss you and wish you were here. You were the Best!
Velma Elrod when my Mom died you stepped in and treated me like
the daughter you never had. You loved my children like they were
yours. It has been 5 years and I still miss you too.
Ms Agnes Faulkner, my 88 year old friend, from the moment I met
you, I loved you. You remind me so much of my Mother in your looks
and your actions. Get well soon.
Happy Mother's Day, Margie
6)
Brought to You By Our Loyal Advertisers. Visit us online at: www.Southernhumor.net
White Co. Tire & Repair
Toliver’s
Truck Tires • Car Tires
Farm Tires • Road Service
OPEN
7AM-5PM MON-SAT
567 N. Spring St.,
Sparta, TN
931-836-TIRE
specializing in gold, silver & diamonds
Top Prices Paid! Let us buy your gold!
We Buy…
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Mechanic
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Gold • Silver • Coins
Family Ties
New items arriving daily!
Come visit us at the “Daisy”!
Wednesday-Saturday 10am - 5:00 pm
96 Great Falls Road, Rock Island, TN 38581
931-686-LAZY (5299) • 662-587-1366
Like us on
Facebook
My coworker at the hotel was miserable at his
job and was desperately searching for a new one.
"Why don’t you work for your mother?" I suggested.
He shook his head. "I can’t," he said. "Her company has a very strict policy against hiring relatives."
"Who made up that ridiculous rule?"
"My mother."
Out of Mouths of Babes
Greg, the three year old, put his shoes on by
himself. His father, Barry, noticed that the left shoe
was on the right foot and vice-versa. He sat Greg
down on a chair and said quietly, 'Greg, your shoes
are on the wrong feet.'
He looked up at his father with a quizzical expression and replied, 'Don't
mess me about, Dad, I know
they're my feet.'
Southern Humor
The Funniest Paper in Town!
Advertise
here and help
me bring
laughter
to the world.”
Pamela Hartman
Executive Sales
Call me today to place your ad!
[email protected]
Mt. 6:33 Seek first the Kingdon of God and His righteousness
931-808-0299
Family Feet Business
I heard once of story of
a family firm who cornered
the feet market. One brother
sold shoes, each shoe had a
hidden fatal flaw. As a direct
result the victim's feet needed treatment with the second
brother, who was the only
Chiropodist in town.
Legend had it that the chiropodist was so incompetent
that the only way the victim
could get home was in a taxi.
You're ahead of me now, the
third brother had the only taxi
firm for miles around.
Family Matters
“Why doesn’t your mother
like me?” a woman asks her
boyfriend.
“Don’t take it personally,”
he assures her. “She’s never
liked anyone I’ve dated. I
once dated someone exactly
like her, and that didn’t work
out at all.”
“What happened?”
“My father couldn’t stand
her.”
Large Selections of Rods & Reels, Weed eaters,
Push & Riding Lawn Mowers, Boats, Jet Skis,
all kinds of summer items!
Summer Items Reduction Sale
up to 50% Off!
110 N. Spring St. “On The Square”
Manchester, TN
931-728-2360
Tidbits for Thought
1. Let your smile change the world.
Don't let the world change your smile!
2. At my lowest: God is my hope.
At my darkest: God is my light.
At my weakest: God is my strength.
At my saddest: God is my comforter.
3. God may not give you the people you want.
Instead He may Just give you what you need to
teach you, to hurt you, to love you and make you
exactly the way you should be.
Victory Truck Lighting
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Ask for Gary
615-289-5644
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185 Trousdale Way - Hartsville TN 37074
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Lighting
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Thank the Advertisers for the…FUNNIEST PAPER IN TOWN! Visit us online at: www.Southernhumor.net
(7
No one believes seniors .
. . everyone thinks they are
senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating
their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had
married as childhood sweethearts and
had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands,
they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and
found the old desk they'd shared, where
Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of
money fell out of an armored car, prac-
Properties
are selling
fast! List
your home
with us
today!!!
tically landing at their feet. Sally quickly
picked it up and, not sure what to do with
it, they took it home. There, she counted
the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, We've got to give it back.
Sally said, Finders keepers. She put
the money back in the bag and hid it in
their attic.
The next day, two police officers were
canvassing the neighborhood looking for
the money, and knocked on their door.
Pardon me, did either of you find a bag
that fell out of an armored car yesterday?
Sally said, No.
Jerry said, Shes lying. She hid it up
in the attic.
Sally said, Don't believe him, hes
getting senile
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: Tell us the story from the
beginning.
Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I
were walking home from school yesterday ......
The first police officer turned to his
partner and said, Were outta here!
931-607-3861
931-265-1248
www.johnargorealtor.com
[email protected]
Son: Why is that funny?
Mom: It’s not funny, David! What do
you mean?
Son: Mom, LOL means Laughing Out
Loud.
Daughter: I got an A in Chemistry.
Mom: WTF!
Daughter: Mom, what do you think
WTF means?
Joyce Argo, Realtor
John Argo, Realtor
[email protected]
Mom: Your great-aunt just passed
away. LOL.
Mom: I thought it meant Lots
of Love. I have to call everyone back.
Let me
help you
with your
VA Loan!
Jane Wright, Broker
Texting acronyms can stump even
the best parents:
931-808-2271
[email protected]
1400 Neal St., Cookeville, TN 38501
Office: 931-520-6450 E-Fax: 931-221-0807
Each office is independently owned and
operated. Equal housing opportunity.
Mom: Well That’s Fantastic.
Mom: What do IDK, LY & TTYL
mean?
Son: I don’t know, love you, talk to you
later.
Mom: OK, I will ask your sister!
A Grave Encounter
MLS 174027 Bring your family and the animals to this country
home that is in the city of Baxter. 5.5 acres 3 bedroom 3 bath
ranch home. Baxter
SOLD
MLS 173973 - COOKEVILLE
MLS 175075 This home is very child friendly. Upstairs bedroom has a play room, large yard, room for horse, master
bedroom & bath on main level. Home offers open floor plan.
2 bedrooms upstairs. Don’t miss this great home w/ a great
location. 8 miles from TN Tech.
MLS 171443
MLS 173654
8)
MLS 173365 21.41 acres gently rolling with beautiful home
sites. Perfect for horses or cattle. All utilities available at the
road.
SOLD
SOLD
MLS 172951 Awesome brick home on 1 landscaped acre lot bordered by
Blackburn Fork Creek. Home retreat to your ultra plush master suite w/
sitting area, master bath w/walk-in closet. This home is move in ready w/
vaulted ceilings, hardwood floors, central vacuum, large family room, large
2 car garage. Cookeville
After trick-or-treating,
a teen takes a shortcut home
through the cemetery. Halfway
across, he’s startled by a tapping noise
coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots
an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.
MLS 174511 When you want a mountain view in a quiet
neighborhood check this house out. Main house was built
in 1996, with a large addition added in 2006 featuring large
family room w/ fireplace, extra bedroom, half bath, extended
master bath with jet tub. 2 CH&A units, 2 safe rooms reinforced w/ extra wood, lots of closet space. There are 2 gas
backup heaters installed, one in the LR and one in the family room. New carpet installed in the family room and 4th
bedroom. You’ll absolutely love the large back deck and
screened porch. Deck off master bedroom is wired for a hot
tub. 10 yr. old roof. There are 3 lots for a total of 1.3 AC. 10X16
storage shed. Move in Ready!
SOLD
“I thought you were a ghost,”
says the relieved teen. “What are you
doing working so late?”
“Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old
man. “They misspelled my name!”
Fishing for Whiskey
“Poor Old fool,” thought the welldressed gentleman as he watched an old
man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So
he invited the old man inside for a drink.
As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and
asked, “So how many have you caught
today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the
eighth.”
MLS 172577
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