editorial - The Ormondian

Issue 14, 2nd November 2011
O
THE
RMONDIAN
a publication of the OCSC
2
The Ormondians Guide to
Surviving SWOTVAC
•Wake up really early then repeatedly hit
snooze.
•Purchase exciting and superior stationary.
•Check Facebook.
•Carry a large pile of books to pre-selected
study space.
•Make several trips
between room and
study space to collect
various individual
items.
•Check
Facebook.
No new
notifications.
Sad.
•Make a study plan.
•Colour-code study plan.
•Go to lunch and spend a minimum of one
hour catching up on the gossip.
•Buy a duck and name it Barrington.
•Update Facebook Re: your new duck.
•Open a text book.
•Use text book as a pillow to power nap.
•Go to dinner and tell everyone about your
new duck.
•Introduce Olivia Newton-John to Barrington.
•Refuse to leave dinner until Nancy and
Abdul carry you from the hall.
•Invite friends to study space to discuss how
screwed you all are for the upcoming exams.
•Count hours left until supper.
•Check Facebook. Bask in the joy of many
notifications and likes on your
duck status.
•Check JCR for supper, several hours too
early.
•Stay and discuss matters of global importance with anyone you can find.
•Dive onto supper trolley before Jarrod can
park it properly.
•Latest Ormondian is released and must be
read in its full extent.
•Realise it’s almost 1am and you should
probably go to bed so you can study super
hard tomorrow.
3
Table of Contents
Survive This Swotvac!
2
Ormond Bites
4
Your Editors at Work
5
Ahh Hotmail...
6
Ormond’s A - Z
8
The ‘Fest That Rocked!
10
The Toughest of Burdens
12
SPECIAL SEALED SECTION
13
What’s Around the Corner?
17
Jellet & Bridie
18
Pastoral Care
20
From the Archives
21
We Like to Move-Out Move-Out...
22
Extended Fun Stuff
24
Goodbye xoxo
28
Editors’ Note
Dearest Ormondians,
The year is coming to a close and
SWOTVAC is well underway, so
we thought we’d deliver you this
last timely morsel of distraction. We
hope you enjoy this last scrumptious edition of The Ormondian!
Check out the best of the bombers:
Semester II, Bernie and George
reveal all for your entertainment,
and Phoenix Stars gives us a little
more than usual to keep you happy
chappy during our last few weeks in
the Land of Hope and Glory.
And finally, it’s been a pleasure being your editors! Wishing the new
editorial team the best of luck (...
filling our shoes, that is), all you
returners safe and happy holidays,
and our Valedictorians the bestest
of times out there with all the Real
People.
Good night, and good luck.
Your Editors.
4
College News... Nom Nom Nom Sized!
Launch of the Papers!
Eivind’s timely post in Spirit (accompanied by a photo of free booze)
encouraged us all to mosey down to
launch of student-staff publication
Ormond Papers. Whilst the appearance of Alliance’s AMAZING
brownies were much appreciated by
the audience, the speaker did not go
down so well. Prefacing his speech
by insisting that he was not going to
speak about foreign policy, he then
proceeded to spend 45 minutes talking about foreign policy. There was a
proliferation of messaging amongst
the audience ranging from trolling
to frustration and general confusion.
However, after all that, the final
product was revealed! It was sad to
see that student artwork was cut
this year and the overall design was
outsourced with debatable results.
However, Volume XXVIII had brilliant content – highlights include
Sam Sutton’s exploration of Barbie,
Dworj on Human and Women’s
rights in the Middle East and Anisha’s reflections on life in Dubai.
Carnage in the ACA
The Academic Centre experienced
more of Anna Bainbridge’s bod-
ily fluids than ever anticipated on
Wednesday night, as an excited
crowd of Ormondians witnessed the
incredible Semester 2 production,
God of Carnage. The very talented
cast of Tori Read, Bill Stephenson,
Blake Connell and of course pintsized Anna performed so convincingly that we’d never guess they
don’t throw up, cry and shriek on a
very regular basis. In fact, one avid
observer was led to question the
legitimacy of Anna’s drunken show
(“Was that real rum? Or do you
just act drunk at EVERY smoko?”).
Props to directors Taylor Rettke and
Alistair Clarke and producer Lucy
Broughton for putting on a fantastic
piece of theatre. Special mention
also goes to Rob Mearns for concocting fake vom out of rice bubbles
and muesli and the audience members who dared to sit in the front
row.
Baillieu gets a make-over…
Many have you may have not yet
discovered, the ground floor of the
Baillieu library (at Uni) has reopened – and it’s more beautiful than
ever! There are now many cosy red
chairs and a whole lot more power
points. There is also a cool new
return system – you put your books
onto a conveyer belt with a green
light and the library noms your
return. No longer do you have to
worry about returning your 2-hour
loan in time for the librarians to
process before you’re fined. Yay for
you Baillieu library, you go Baillieu
library!
Tute Room Tantrums
As the weeks left of Uni ticked by
and SWOTVAC began to loom,
the few studious amongst us noticed
a strange phenomenon. A few too
many high- pitched bleeps were
issued when we attempted to gain
access to the MCC tute rooms.
With these spaces out of bounds to
anyone without a magic proxy, many
questions were raised such as ‘what
could possibly be gained from refusing us access to empty study spaces?’
All was revealed when booking
sheets appeared, for names to be
written up. Gone were the days
when students could set up camp
and work for 12 hours straight…except that within 12 hours, the time
sheets too had disappeared.
V-Day
Rain did not deter pres in the Quad
for the 2011 Valedictorians - special
mention to Tom Bell who took retro
to the extreme with his medieval
knight costume and the much anticipated appearance of Bubs Delish.
In the speeches, Jaye’s mention of
the increase in senior-fresher friendships was received well whilst Rufus
once again inspired with his theme
of ‘The Road Less Travelled.’ Sadly,
Troy McCann lacked a mention
in the list of Ormondian editors,
reinforcing our belief that he only
exists online. The final smoko of the
year went off in style, surprisingly
generating more horoscopes than
Ormond Ball.
EDITORIAL
5
Editorial
For our final editorial we decided to
give our readers an insight into the joy
that was being an editor of The Ormondian. The following is a faithful
transcript of one of our final meetings.
Hilary: “too busy drawing bees soz beb”
Hana: “Okay team, this is our last ever
edition! John Ryan can’t make it, and
Mosley is just doing trivia. Again. For
everyone else, what are our editorial
ideas?”
*John Ryan breezes in, unperturbed*
*silence*
Hilary: “Arghhh can we just do something else instead? Who reads the
editorial anyway?”
Liv: “Will Moisis?”
Sam: “Brad Bennets?”
Mos: “I was thinking that with the
‘Ormond future’ *insert Mosley rant,
the rest of the editorial team tune out*
...What do you reckon team?”
Liv: “Did that have anything to do
with the editorial?”
Hana: “John Ryan is STILL not answering his phone!”
Hilary: “srsly John Ryan?! Why is he
even an editor.”
Hana: “Write me an article allll about
that then Hilary”
Hana: “Right, because that hasn’t been
done before…and where the hell is
John Ryan?”
John Ryan: “Hey guys, sorry I’m so late
for the meeting... just letting you guys
know I probably won’t be able to do
anything for this Ormondian as I’m
pretty busy with failing Honours.”
Ruth: “Wait, what’s going on? I’m so
confused!”
Hilary: “Classic fresher editor.”
Ruth: no, seriously, what’s happening?
Mos: “I’m thinking, do we want to do
‘the best of Ormond Spirit’? Find arguments from the page from way back
and requote them?”
Hana: “I think everyone’s already lived
that...”
Hilary: “Mosley can I write a Bite on
your encounter in C3 with Samuel
Taylor in your underwear last night?”
Troy: “Ha. Slightly disturbed by
the image of Sam wearing Mosley’s
underwear. Quite the contrary. Quick
grammar lesson FYI: The serial comma.
I’ll link you the Wikipedia page.”
Hilary: “Lol thanks Troy…also I veto
Mosley writing the horoscopes after
last issue’s Ginger thief (people are still
confused by what that means...)”
Mosley: “I veto my being in the horoscopes, those are just rumours.”
Ruth: “I was definitely sober at Valedictory and you definitely did. Unless of course you have new move that
looks like hooking up but is actually not
something horoscope worthy.”
Hilary: “Mos, you’re definitely not getting out of this one.”
Mosley: “That’s a veto there. As much
as I love the fact that EVERYONE
at Ormond seems to know what I do,
I would like some veto on this one. It’s
just too creepy.”
Sam: “ You’re an Ormond celebrity
Will. You’re bound to be in the spotlight.”
Mosley: “Well if you don’t know me you
don’t go here (evidently). But I think
people are over reading about me.
Someone else for a change?”
Hana: “Wow Mos, never heard you say
no to publicity before.”
John Ryan: “…Well, I promised I’d
meet my girlfriend at 9:30, so I’ve got
to go”
Sam: “Ahhhh Supper!”
*meeting falls into chaos as the idea of
supper takes over everything*
6
Email Embarrassment
When someone asks you what your
first email address was, how do you
respond? Do you shrug your shoulders, avoid eye contact and casually
ask, “Why?”, while wiping away
the sweat that has formed on your
forehead? Or do you smile sheepishly and say, “I was young…” and
hope you won’t have to reveal the
skeletons of your past. These were
the common responses I got when
I asked a number of Ormondians
this exact question. Unfortunately,
these attempts to avoid answering
did not deter me from my quest to
discover the strangest, most bizarre
and youthfully embarrassing addresses. We all had them. It’s time
to embrace them.
Choosing your first ever e-mail address is a big step in every teenagers
life. So often on reflection one may
feel at some point they have made
the wrong choice and decided to
change it to something a little bit
more ‘respectable’. But when the
address is changed to something
that surpasses the first, it’s time to
look a little bit closer. A young
Miss Belcher swapped her tomboyish [email protected] to a
feminine princess_annie@hotmail.
com while Liv Barlow, admittedly
influenced by her brothers, changed
[email protected] to [email protected]. Finally Will
Mosley created sella_zoso@hotmail.
com from something that I am sure
Olivia Crane
was a response to someone
disagreeing with his opinionstakeahike_onyabike@hotmail.
com.
@
So, whether it is because you
thought you were sxy, a suga or
punky, e-mail addresses are nothing
to be ashamed of. We all had them
(some still do today) and if there
is anything to be learnt form our
childish decisions
I don’t
know
what it
is because
I certainly
think that
descriptive e-mail
addresses
made
MSN just
that little bit
more fun.
Actually
maybe there
is just
this
one
to be
learnt: That there is
always room for one
more underscore.
g2g, ttyl.
@
@
7
[email protected] - Charlie Shenton
[email protected] - Alice Goodman
[email protected] - Claire Robertson
[email protected], surferchik12@hotmail - Jess Jones
[email protected] - Poppy
McBain
[email protected] Johnny O’Brien
[email protected] - Georgie
Cameron 2.0
[email protected] - Liv
Chapman
[email protected], massive_liv@
hotmail.com - Liv Barlow
[email protected] Gracie Morrison
[email protected] Will Scott
[email protected]
-Nicola Read
[email protected] - Arthur
[email protected] Armani Green
[email protected] - Georgia
Vann
[email protected] - Lulu Minnett
[email protected] - Rowena Baer
John Cusack
Tom Cross
[email protected] - Harry Seward (made up by his year 5 girlfriend…
Watch out Anna!)
[email protected], Sella_
[email protected] - Will Mosley
Hugh Grant Rufus Black
[email protected] - Sarah Maxwell
[email protected] - Alicia
Davis
[email protected] - Matt Brown
[email protected] - Bill Stephenson
[email protected] - Tyrone Bean (still
in use)
[email protected] - Jesse Poulton
[email protected] - Jaye Dowling
[email protected] - Laura
Berthold*
[email protected] - Simon
Pickering
[email protected] - James Sainty
(inspired by Eminem)
*NOTE: Some of us created our e-mails purely
from traumatic experiences. Young Laura was
out on the town (at a movie with friends) when
a child collided with her on their tricycle .
Naturally she now believes that children are out
to get her.
[email protected] - Elly Danks
Brought to you by Andrew Michaelson.
[email protected], [email protected] - Annie Belcher
[email protected] - Claire Garrett
[email protected] - Sophie Parr
(named after her first teddy)
SEPERATED AT BIRTH
Hiccup
Blake Connel
Bear Grylls Billy Thomas
8
THE ORMOND ALPHABET
A
- Academic Centre (or Aca or Accent). The
biggest structural addition to the College in many
decades. Its graceful sweeping central staircase, majestic panoramic views and well-designed rooms
have seen hardworking students, The Art Show,
The God of Carnage and the launch of Ormond
Papers. It has been a total and unbridled success
(not to be confused with the Academic Program).
B
- for Billy’s body (and by Billy we mean
the man, not the misbehaving brown Labrador.) (And by body, we mean that finely
tuned english/singaporean/perth creation.)
C
- Cups. Well...yeah...we’re getting onto that...
But at least we have a third world problem!
lective memory disappeared over a lunch. It’s gone
to a place where all good college things go. I hope
it and my (Mos’) suit jacket are watching over us.
I
- ICAC. Yeah ICAC! With Blake and Soph
heading up the council, Pop leading our college and Liv instated as the new president, Ormond ploughed ahead to a magnificent 2nd
place - [although, at the time, we did think it was
1st place... But second comes right after first!]
J
- JCR management. The end of over 20
years of shop, this marked a new era of student leadership (liquor license pending). Students can now fulfil one of those grand dreams:
to run a pub! I’ll think we’ll call it Puzzles.
D
K
E
L
M
- Dance Benefit. Magnificent night. Finally we started to talk about mental health,
whilst spending a great night witnessing poetry in motion on an outdoor stage.
- Evans, Cadel Evans. He was sports performer of the year, edging out Geelong Cats, the
Kiwis, and Sam Stosur for the honour. Great
to watch his victory at Recommencement.
F
- Fire alarms. There have been a lot of fire
alarms. They’ve interrupted smokos, sleeping patterns,
and even theatrical performances not at Ormond!
G
- Gables. A mammoth construction program
promising gargantuan steps forward in student comfort, external marketability and carpet cleanliness.
H
- Hard drive. Five years of the College’s col-
- Knight Guards. Gone were the porters of yesteryear, and in their place, a magnificient collection of friendly helpful nocturnal people. Probably the most memorable
moment was J-stagg’s pursuit of the Ginger Thief.
- LLLLLLLAAAAAND...!
- (Ormond) Man. It’s good that men
can talk about men’s issues with other men.
(Although there was an interesting game
played by Jess, Shan and others at the function. It has something to do with Litchie?)
N
- The Nine Selves. The cornerstone of what
was to be the self and society program. Who could
forget being introduced to that near-nonsensical
nonagon for the first time, blissfully ignorant of
its impending abandonment in favour of more
practical learning tools. Not sure what was go-
9
ing on with this one. Not sure anyone knows really.
by our wonderfully iron-willed sportswomen.
O
X
- Old Billiards Table. Which spent 2011 languishing in storage. Its revival is imminent and much-needed.
P
- Petarrrgh Pan. In which we witnessed the
waxing of chests and once placid personas performing as pirates with patent psychopathic tendencies.
Q
- Qanda. The latest in a long line of
accordingly-branded Forest traditions.
R
- RIPs: Shop, Charles Shaw, Fresher Haircuts,
UPP, Amy Memorial Bowl (jokes), Robot Wars,
Ski-week at Ormond Ski-lodge, Studies and countless others which, for better or worse, have gone the
way of the Western Bulldogs’ premiership chances.
S
- (Ormond) Spirit. Our bold communications sojourn into the 21st century.
T
- Toyota tyres. Callously deflated in the wake of
what was otherwise an excellent Street Party smoko.
U
- Union. For its imposition of mandatory membership fees in the coming year. The
days of politely ignoring hordes of zealous student propagandists are over as we are forced to
care about the latest minority engagement scheme
to which our lunch money is being diverted.
V
- Valedictorians. Valiantly led by
Dan and Jasmine, their contributions to
Club and College will be sorely missed.
W
- Women’s Sport. Its professionalism eclipsing that of the men as soccer, football, softball and swimming (more?) were all conquered
- Xenophobia. Not a sentiment actively experienced, but one convincingly feigned in the aforementioned Peter Pan and God of Carnage. On the
contrary, Ormond is more tolerant than ever, with
great advancements in our general contact with the
outside world, strange and unfamiliar as it often
seems. Nett University friend numbers have been
reported in the double digits for the first time ever.
Y
- Yarra. Be it heroically rowing into the record books or struggling for survival after a failed
experiment in fresher mass-psychology, its teacoloured waters have been the source of both
memorable victories and bacterial infections.
Z
- Zymology. The study of fermentation of liquors.
This may seem like a cop-out, considering the extensive range of ‘z’ options available (such as Zara, Zambon or the ‘z’ in Ghazi). And while all of those names
signify greatness in various departments, we feel that
our collective attitudes towards alcohol at Ormond
are beginning to mature. Where before, virile students
would resort to excessive ethylated beverage consumption before engaging in a multitude of dance-floor
liaisons and subsequently contracting some horribly
debilitating disease, we now think twice. Hence an appreciation for the study of, rather than blind adherence
to, alcohol. We are entering an age on enlightenment,
one which offers the opportunity to rid ourselves of
the scourge of inebriation. Zymology allows us to
more closely examine the contents and thus effects of
the drinks we all-too-often consume without consideration of the consequences. And for that reason, we
both nominate Zymology as the compendium of this
alphabetical tour through the corridors of Ormond.
We hope you’ve enjoyed the ride and look forward to
another great year in 2012.
Written by Will Mosley and Austin Van Groningen. All non-‘Quanda’
words of greater than one syllable contributed by Austin Van Groningen.
10
Pickenfest
Like Christmas morning, the day of
Pickenfest dawned bringing with it
the sense of excitement and happiness that could only come with the
prospect of spending all day chilling
in good company. Even the weather
reflected the sunny atmosphere
within our college, with Melbourne
blessing us with a day of sunshine
after a week of hail. The early hours
saw not only a 13 tonne truck arrive
but also more popcorn, fairy floss,
booze and ice cream than many of
us could handle. The amazing Red
Frogs also arrived with icy-poles,
donuts, snow cones to supplement
our rehydration and sugar binge. A
bouncy-castle-complex and gladiator equipment quite literally sprung
up all over the lawn (like daisies!) as
Pickenfest began…
Jess Jones and Fran Armstong volunteered (or were volunteered for)
a spot of jelly wrestling. For such
a tiny paddling pool, locating 20
cents didn’t seem like too much of a
difficult task, even with the help of
Lachie Carter, who definitely found
himself ‘volunteered’ to aid in their
search. Eventually the question was
raised “Did Hana even put the 20
cents in the pool?” and the message
of the day seemed to be that cooperation wins over all. Until of course,
the elusive 20 cents was spotted and
thus resumed the jelly free-for-all.
The Dinner Box challenge, an
integral part of the day (especially
meaningful to Lorraine McDonald, or OCSCMCDDBC) also
called for willing participants to go
11
up against the might of reigning
champions Harry Park and Laura
Berthold. Although many rose to
the calling, not one could challenge
the champions who remain undefeated with their time of 4 minutes
and 47 seconds.
without raising a sweat. He then
also had time to casually admire his
handy work, check out his competitor’s progress, muddle his cube up
again and then finish it again before
Troy managed to claim second place
and Floyd came in third.
After his recent fame in The Ormondian, Alex Cameron, master
of the Rubix cube was called upon
to defend his title. Up on the stage,
with thoroughly confused cubes,
Troy McCann and Floyd Westman challenged A.Cam only to find
themselves put firmly in their place.
Alex managed to finish his cube
Musically, the day showcased the
best of Ormond’s talent. The lovely
Marcelle opened, dueting with Izzy
Schnieder before the boys of Brown
Town took the stage. Okatapus,
The Troy McCann Experience and
Third got people up and dancing,
while Saxual Assualt and Senor
Pong provided some killer tunes.
The acapella group Trampoline had
a super cute rendition of the appropriate ‘Bounce.’ Dick in the ‘real’
Brown Town held many suprises:
from Amani rapping to Eva’s epic
cover of Florence + the Machine.
Although the acts were outstanding
(special mention to the consistently
epic Snowy Belfast!) the show was
quite possibly stolen by little Archie
who made his way up onto the stage
to show off his super cool dance
moves.
Now deep in swotvac study-mode
the memories of that day in the sun
will live in our hearts forever.
12
A Nerd’s Burden
Wargaming. Whether you’re a
lifelong enthusiast or you’ve never
heard this word before it still manages to conjure up images of fat,
sweaty guys; fingers covered in
orange twisties dust; surrounded
by dice, little metal soldiers and
half empty pizza boxes.
Science geeks have long
been considered acceptable, even desirable, and
computer gamers have
recently been emerging from basements in
droves as the rest of
society stops considering
late night/early morning
WoW sessions to be a
mark of a pariah, but the
wargamer remains
an object
of derision.
Oliver Whitton
The spread of Dungeons and Dragons has only exacerbated this trend
as more people become exposed to
wargamers on a semi-regular basis
and decide that they do not like
what they see.
As a long time wargamer, this makes me
sadface. Sure, I have
seen and shuddered at
the worst that my hobby
can produce. The obese
men making crude jokes
about female elves and
trying to roll a 16 on a
d20 (dice with 20 sides
people) to initiate raping time are indeed despicable, we can agree
on that. But they
do not
rep-
resent all of us. There are some
gamers who, on the surface, appear
to be normal, productive members
of society (well I’m a uni student,
productive is optional) who also
enjoy spending hours of our time
meticulously painting a 7cm tall
miniature of a vampire with swords
for hands. Yet I find it embarrassing to admit to my “normal” friends
that I put these miniatures onto a
table with an opponent and roll dice
to determine who wins our game of
toy soldiers.
No more! If it can be cool to be
a video gamer, then wargaming
should be no different. I will no
longer be ashamed of having my
hands covered in random paint
with little superglue gloves for the
tips of my fingers and I encourage
my brethren to do the same. As for
you, dear reader, judge not lest ye
be judged. Or just understand that
wargamers need not be massive,
smelly misogynists and that our
hobby is no more worthy of scorn
than any other.
Oliver Whitton - Proud to be a
Wargamer!
13
O
THE
RMONDIAN
14
George Seward forays into the steamy
world of scholastic seduction that is the
ACA during exams.
Ladies and Gentleman take note: When
deadlines loom, shit gets primal...
Only the fittest survive the ACA. Get in
early to reserve a seat next to the genetically
superior females
Trust in the Circle of L
uni knowledge to educ
For the perpetuation of
species, use if all else fails:
The Naked Man.
15
Use Facebook to stalk your prey’s habits before
engaging contact...
cle of Life & use your
o educate a first year ;)
Be the Alpha and exert your dominance - don’t be afraid to move in on a
girl who’s already spoken for...
16
Widen the breeding pool
and target an international
student.
Show your mate you can provide for her. Bring study
sweets to sweeten up your study partner
Although they operate over a brief time period,
SWOTVAC males have narrowed down their motions into a fine tuned routine, to ensure the continued success of their mating habits. Thank you.
17
2012: A Preview
ICAC
Our Heads!
Smoko
Lighting and Sound
Zara, Stef, Bianca and Hugh are
hoping to make smokos just as (and
perhaps even more) amazing than
this years smokos! Next year, they’re
planning on holding some recreational drinking and non-alcoholic
events to really help diversify the
Ormondian experience. And of
course, they’re planning on having
smokos in super-secret-varied locations, awesome themes and as many
yummy-alcohol smokos as their
budget allows!
Addison and Eshani hope to be
optimistic, enthusiastic and nonabusive lighting and sound heads.
Inspired by the previous heads we
hope to maintain the biggest sub
committee throughout the year. Addison will also be throwing out his
switchblade and taking on the job of
fixing every broken thing we currently own... But seriously, we have
awesome ideas for next year and you
can expect great things from us!
Apparel
Loraine, Jacinda and Annika are
super excited to create a new range
of apparel with which everyone can
show off their Ormond pride! Get
ready to snuggle up; on the horizon
are onesies, blankets, underwear,
new trackies and american-style
jumpers. While superior snuggling
ability is a high concern, our first
priorities are ordering more small
Bumblebees and proper communication - keep an eye out for
notices in the JCR, updates on the
Spirit facey page, and (next year)
announcements before formal dinner. To ensure we don’t run a loss
next year, we will be holding prior
surveys of interest, so keep your eyes
peeled for apparel design voting!
UCR
Freshers and lower year levels will
hopefully be more involved in the
UCR, as it’s a great opportunity
for them to see what staying on as
a resident is like, and for the UCR
members to get to know the lovely
new freshers. Despite the rumours
there will also be a tower next yearas in, ACCESS to a tower, despite
the construction of the gables
project being well underway during
semester one. We’re also hoping to
set up a student bar, with an honesty system to keep it afloat- Trinity
has a similar system and nobody
likes Trinity, so we can do it better!
Anyone with questions, suggestions,
quips, quires, this, that and the other
should totally talk to Simon Pickering, the UCR President for next
year. Yay!
Our very own beautiful new ICAC
President, Liv Crane, is very excited
about the prospect of the intercollegiate musical, coming to the
crescent in 2012. The musical will
be a fresh chance for college kids to
get involved in a non-competitive
ICAC event that fosters friendships rather than rivalry. Our ICAC
representative Anna Bainbridge is
also hoping to get some ICAC open
mic nights happening, so tune up
Ormondians!
A18S E M E S T E R I N
N PHOTO-BOMB
19S
20
Pastoral Care
Having been a teenage girl, I can
comfortably say I’ve had some
dramas. Whether it was when Basil
refused to reply to the love letter I
Poppy McBain
slipped into his locker in year 7, or
when I chose to engage in a war of
wills with a nasty substitute teacher
in year 9, or when a dear friend of
mine attempted suicide a few years
ago – I, just like everyone else, have
at some point in my life been down
in the dumps. And, every time, no
matter what happened, no matter
why it hurt, there were always things
that I could do to make myself feel
better. Eat properly. Exercise. Talk.
Write. Listen.
Next year, hopefully you’ll come
back to college and find an A4 sheet
of paper pinned to your notice board
with the phone numbers of the Uni
doctors, Melbourne Uni Counseling
Service, the night manager, and a
phone number of a college resident to call in an emergency. There
should be one person on almost every floor or corridor of every building
who has done a Mental Health First
Aid course by the Easter break and
information on nutrition available
to read in the napkin holders in the
dining hall. There is so much potential for next year – there’s room in
the college calendar for seminars on
sexual health, forums on balancing
drinking and exercise or discussions
on how to manage stress and anxiety. I hope to see the support systems strengthen as we as a college
become better informed about the
issues young people are facing in an
increasingly demanding environment.
Your friends are not professionals,
but they are your friends. They care,
and we want to help them to care
for you and for each other in the
best way possible.
21
1985
22
The Ormondian’s Guide to Movin
This is a living room! If you leave crockery
here, it will just stay here. Forever.
x
This is your new front door! Heads up
guys, Jarrod isn’t around with a spare key.
ving Out
23
START HERE
Can they cook/clean/
function without
Nancy/Walter/Abdul?
Yes
Can YOU function
without Nancy/Walter/Abdul?
No
Do you have
any friends?
Move back with
parents
No
Move out with
Nancy/Walter/Abdul
Yes
Having gone through the
arguous process of moving out four years’ worth
of crap, John Ryan exclusively reveals his top hints
for making the big move.
This is a drinking vessel,
otherwise known as a
cup! You will have many
of these and your life will
be filled with joy.
Do you have a job?
Do you have skills?
No
No
Yes
Yes
Get a job
Pick a suburb based
on your personality
traits
Rich
Lazy
Parkville
Indie
Carlton
Cheap
Brunswick
Bogan
Fitzroy
Go on Domain.com
Hooray for sharing a
bathroom with less than
12 people... but don’t vom
in the sink because you’ll
actually have to clean it
yourself. We know right?
Submit application
Did you get a
response in 2 days?
Find a place you like?
Yes
No
Forget it
No
Yes
Welcome to your new
kitchen! Note the distinct
lack of Abdul. You get to
make your own dinner.
Did you get the place?
No
Forget it
Yes
Hooray!
You should now be more than equipped to handle the big bad
world. Go forth and prosper!
24
Never Stop Dreaming
The frenetic pace and emotionless tedium of contemporary information-age society presently contributes to the development of children devoid of
creative energy, humour or charisma. Those of us
lucky enough to be raised in the socio-economic
watershed of the 1990s, however, do not suffer from
this unfortunate malady. By virtue of our exposure
to the products of capitalistic triumphalism, we
are a confident and competent bunch. Thus, on the
fateful night of Wednesday, August 25th, 2010, the
students of Ormond College said “NO” to the vicious stagnation of all things good and right and for
a few hours reverted back to that decade in which
we all grew in mind, body and spirit. The costumes
donned represented not only our fond memories of
that now bygone era, but also our vague hopes that
one day, the characters that we mimicked might one
day return. Nostalgia was experienced. Music was
appreciated. Ethylated beverages were consumed.
And as we sung the final stanza of the Hunters and
Collectors’ 1992 classic, Holy Grail, I reflected with
resignation the fact that the best night of my life
had come to an end. It would not have been this
way without the unwavering commitment of you,
the Smoko Heads. Congratulations. Never stop
dreaming of a better world.
- Letter from Austin Van Groningen to the Heads of the Smoko
Subcommittee, following the first Smoko to be held in the JCR Bar.
Friday, August 27 2010.
1991
2010
25
Ormondians In 20 Years Time
Austin Van Groningen: Happily mar-
ried, in a small country town, with a
prospering career in talk radio.
Oliver Whitton: Goal keeper for a local
Jack Maxwell: Sort of kinda still almost
John Ryan’s girlfriend:
Tom Keane: Bendigo Bank’s
Andrew Michaelson: Writing small
Tom Bell: Troy Bell.
John Ryan’s ex wife.
Dick Wetherell: Owns Wall Street.
Callum Russell: Ormond alumnus.
Jasmine Tremblay:
Former mayor of Darwin.
Charlie Shenton: Chocolate Factory.
Bill Stephenson:
Motivational speaker, still using a welltimed F-bomb to great effect.
Harry Park: Bubs Delish
Jono Thomas: Totally mainstream.
Overheard
‘We’re doing a college crawl for Cambodia’
- Lucy Broughton
‘Isn’t a goat a male sheep?’
- Blake Connel
‘It was a big day, something was missing…
wait, where’s suey? Oh, he’s getting engaged!’
- Liv Chapman
‘Charizard is so not gay.’
- Rob Mearns
Stef: ‘Look, wild bunnies!’
Hilary: ‘Hmm, there are bunnies at the
airport too...’
Dworj: ‘...why, are they like sniffer dogs?’
Chile walks up to group of friends...
*Awkward and confused pause*
‘Antony just macked me.’
mixed netball team.
‘Man of the Year’.
Ghazi Ahamat: Grand Master of the
Illuminati.
Arthur Thevastan: Awarded Cleo’s most
eligible bachelor three years in a row.
Will Moisis: Still disappointed his last
name isn’t subtly different.
Tom Jellet: Wishing the ceilings in the
fusion reactor control room were just a
little bit higher.
Sarah Maxwell: Miss Universe 2018.
THE BEST OF MO-WING SPECIAL:
‘When the ice age comes you will all be
begging for my children.’
- Logan Denny
‘Logi Bear? The last girl who called me that
ended up pregnant at fifteen.’
-Logan Denny
‘A lot of things can fly when you put them
in a plane. Except a bigger plane.’
- Logan Denny
‘If all of you are de-sexed then I’ll be the
only man left in the college, won’t I?’
*taps nose*
- Logan Denny
‘I was born on a thirty-five degree day.’
-Logan
‘Your mum must hate you. Thirty-five
degrees and I’ll bet you came out with a
beard.’
- Georgia
a little bit affiliated with Ormond.
cynical cartoons for The Age.
Jack Hargeaves: Mrs Matthews.
Nick Bernard: Writing love advice
books without seeing the irony.
Anna Bainbridge:
Still being asked for her ID.
Naomi Read:
Still questioning everything.
Hamish McKenzie: Running Q&A.
Shiraz Akbarally: Won’t mind so much,
as long as he’s happy.
‘I wish I was born in the nineties. Oh
wait...’
- Logan Denny
‘Why are all the doors in there so aggressive?’
- Georgia Brough
‘The thing about going into debt with a
credit card, you might as well cut your balls
off.’
- Logan Denny
‘What’s wrong with Bransden? He looks
like he’s eaten a sock.’
- Georgia Brough
‘You sounded like Clifford the Big Red
Dog having a boner.’
- Logan Denny (to Bransden)
‘I love spring. It’s my favourite month of
the year.’
- Alex Cameron
26
Horoscopes
by Phoenix Stars
John is A. Goodman.
You Will always wake up
with a mouth full of Flem
after a smoko.
The Logo for arnotts is a
parrot named Polly.
Izz there a new
Mr and Ms Smith?
Le lock Nessim moster has
been seen, rumour has it
has red claire.
Ivan kissed a Tranny.
And he liked it.
Look after your fArthur.
You dont want to get a
Smax on the bum.
Jessye Watt? Isnt that the
girl who took A. Voyage
round the world in a boat.
A Phoenix lost its feathers
but found the Alexa of life.
Was Ben hansom
for Haysom?
Saint James appeared in
my belly button (f)lint.
Antony, at a pardy,
looking delish.
Kissed and Caught
This year, we’ve seen Ormondians getting their mack on all over the place, from down on the
dance floor to cosy corners – even in the hope of a free slab.
Phoenix Stars can now exclusively reveal the best (and worst) of Ormond Horoscopes 2011:
one-hit wonders
27
Forest Trivia
WHO AM I:
6 Points: I was born on 27 June 1865 in
West Melbourne.
5 Points: Dux of my school, I studied Engineering at the University of Melbourne.
4 Points: I was a co-founder of the Melbourne University Union and was active in
arranging debates, socials and concerts,
and was editor of the Melbourne University
Review.
3 Points: In World War 1, I led the 3rd
Division in Egypt and Gallipoli, before the
misery of Ypres and Passchendaele
2 Points: I organised the Battle of Amiens,
where I famously integrated all arms of the
forces (including tanks) and with the Australian Corps spearheading the attack, took
the Hindenburg line.
1 Point: An estimated 250,000 mourners,
the nation’s largest funeral at the time, attended my funeral in 1931, and my name is
that of Australia’s biggest University. I am
General John...
Two Points:
1. The autobiographic tale, Between a Rock
and a Hard Place, was turned into which
movie?
2. Which city is known to its locals as DF?
3. What is known colloquially as the Fourth
Estate?
4. Following on, what are the other three
‘estates’?
5. God of Carnage, the very funny play and
performed so well, was originally written in
which language?
6. Which car company, now retailing in
Australia, is China’s largest manufacturer of
SUVs?
7. Which 3 letters are not part of the Latin
Alphabet?
8. Which US military base is known as
Gitmo?
9. What was the first album Dan Candy
bought with his own money? A) The soundtrack to ‘A Sound of Music’ B) Rumours,
Fleetwood Mac C) Rolf Harris’ Greatest Hits
D) Toxicity, System of a Down
10. Italian Marco Simoncelli tragically died
in Malaysia in which event?
Three Points:
1. ‘Calm like a Bomb’ is a Rage Against
the Machine track that appeared on
which of their albums?
2. Name the children’s entertainer who
wrote such classics as “Newspaper
Mama” and “Wash your face in orange
juice.”
3. Samoa became independent from
which country in 1962?
4. Who is Federal Minister of Finance
and Deregulation?
5. Flight Director during the Apollo 13
crisis, who uttered the famous lines
“Quit your guessing, let’s start working
this problem” and “the odds are damn
long, but we’re damned good”?
6. This flag belongs to which country?
Garfield WIthout Garfield
ANSWERS:
ONE POINT: 1. Kenny 2. Qantas 3. Yasi 4. 1789 5. Celebrity Apprentice Australia 6. District of Columbia 7. Peter Pan 8. Mozart 9. Dita Von Teese 10. He is a double amputee with artificial legs
TWO POINTS: 1. 127 Hours 2. Mexico City 3. The media 4. The clergy, the nobility and the Commoners 5. French 6. Great Wall 7. J,U & W 8. Guantanamo Bay 9.D) Toxicity, System of A Down 10. The
Malaysian MotoGP
THREE POINTS: 1.Battle for Los Angeles 2. Peter Combes 3. New Zealand 4. Penny Wong 5. Gene
Kranz 6.Uzbekistan.
WHO AM I: John Monash.
One Point:
1. Shane Jacobson played ‘the Dalai Lama
of Waste Management’ (a man who works
in the portaloo industry) in which 2006 film?
2. Which Australian company had a billion
dollar wipe-out of its share price after a
massive shutdown of its operations?
3. Beginning with Y, what was the name of
the cyclone that impacted the towns of Tully
and Mission Beach at the start of 2011?
4. In which decade was the French Revolution?
5. Which terrible channel 9 celebrity reality
show ‘stars’ Deni Hines, Pauline Hanson,
Shane Crawford Warwick ‘The Wiz’ Capper
and Wendell Sailor?
6. What does the DC stand for in Washington DC?
7. The phrase, ‘in the doghouse’, originated
from which J.M. Barrie novel?
8. Ave Maria was composed by whom?
9. Once married to Marylin Manson, who
has put Burlesque back on the map?
10. Oscar Pistorius is a South African runner that is eligible to represent his country
at the Olympics. What sets him apart from
the other runners in the field?
Contact the Ormondian at
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© 2011 OCSC