tales from dressing room #1

FLYERS 2014
MARCH
2014 TRI STAR
FARMS ANNUAL
CLASSIC “A” SIDE
CHAMPIONS
IPSCO IGNOTS - LOSERS
LES CANADIENS -LOSERS
GRAND COULEE - LOSERS
Early tournament
favourites, these
Ignots faced what most
sports enthusiats have
called they greatest
Flyer performance in
the history of their
club. Score 10-5.
Much like Les
Habitants from
Montreal, these guys
suck. They were no
match for the hung
over and sleep
deprived Flyers.
Score 9-3
Pense’s fifth
favourite neighbor
next to Belle Plaine,
Stony Beach, Rouleau,
and Keystown were too
star struck to do
anything against the
Flyers. Score 3-2
[1]
FLYERS
March 2014
!
TALES FROM DRESSING ROOM #1
Volume 3
STORMING THE CAPITALS
By Rob Vanstone, The Leader-Post March 2, 2014
Following an unprecedented dominate
to be 7ft tall and not one of them was smiling.
performance by Team Canada at the Olympics,
They almost seemed superhuman, and played
many sports writers wrote that a complete team
like it as well.” The Pense Flyers balanced
performance like that may never occur again.
attack was unstoppable and no matchup
However, what this sports writer saw in Pense
seemed to work for the Grand Coulee coach.
on March 1st, not only paralleled that
Each of the Flyer’s lines all contributed goals
performance, but in my eyes and the eyes of the
and all played with such identical intensity fans
hundreds of others watching, immediately made
had trouble knowing who was on the ice. “ I felt
me forget about Sochi gold and begin dreaming
like a novice surfer in an angry ocean just
about Flyer orange. Even players on the
getting pelted by wave after wave.” sobbed
opposing teams were mesmerized but what was
G.C. goaltender P. Moroz in the post game
unfolding in front of them. Grand Coulee
interview. Coulee defenceman J.Duck, who has
defenceman D. Ridgway said “ I often found
always had a knack for summarizing their
myself watching them and just admiring their
teams effort, seemed stunned and still in awe
skills and teamwork. Even though I was on the
of what he just witnessed. No matter what
ice, at times it felt is if I was front row watching
question reporters asked him, the only response
NHL players.” Grand Coulee forward R. Martin
he was able to mutter was “They are just too
commented “As soon as they stepped on the
good, I will be seeking a trade if they’ll have
ice I knew we were in trouble. They all appeared
me.”
[2]
Battle Scar
Bevan shows the sacrifice that
your Pense Flyers will make for
their town. Here he saved a goal
by stopping a puck with his face.
DANIEL COOKE
!
“Man who catch fly with
chopstick, accomplish
anything.”
Team physician Dr. Kesuke “Pepper” Miyagi, stands tall and performs ancient healing technique on Daniel’s injured shoulder. Daniel then drinks modern medicine from Curling Rink Lounge and begins a miraculous recovery.
Pat Morita’s Player of The Month - By Kesuke Miyagi
With the plethora of challenging matchups this month, the coveted tournament. Immediately after this treatment, Dr. Pepper referred Daniel “Player of The Month Award” nominations changed almost daily. to Dr. Feelgood who was on call all day in the Pense Curling Rink Lounge. The proud recipient this month is none other than Daniel “LaRusso” Dr. Feelgood prescribed some “ale-­‐ments” that soon gave Daniel-­‐Son Cooke. In the 30 year Anniversary of the motion picture monster back his full range of movements. Daniel-­‐Son then roared onto “The Karate Kid”, Daniel son reenacted the last 20 minutes of the ice and competed at a high level showing no regard to any script to a “T” while helping his team in hoist a additional damage that may be caused. However, much like championship trophy. While battling one of the Ipsco the Karate Kid, in order to continue his role of a shutdown Wacks On
Ignot’s, descendants of the Cobra Kai Dojo in Regina, defense he then implemented “The Crane” technique of Wacks Off
Daniel-­‐son smashed his shoulder into the boards leaving it defending. The Coulee Capitalist’s were no match for this separated and swollen. Many on lookers and physicians style of defense and subsequently fell to it’s overpowering determined that he could not continue on. However, Daniel nature. Since this game, Daniel has been overwhelmed with refused to let either the Cobra Kai or Grand Coulee Capitalists get fan mail, including one really flirty letter from Elisabeth Shue
the last laugh. Daniel went to team physician, Dr. Pepper who used his Miyagi pain suppression technique to help allow him to finish the COACHES CORNER - TOP FIVE
FLYERS INJURIES OF 2013/2014
BLACK EYE
FRACTURED
COCYX
BRUISED THIGH
BRUISED THIGH
ge
Bevan Harlton
When you stop
a puck with
your face you
immediately
become a more
colourful
person. Even
Bevan.
Curtis Lax
No matter what
team you play
with, when you
get a crack in
your tailbone,
you become the
butt of every
joke.
Curtis Lax
Curtis
received 36
square inches
of thigh
bruising from
one of Mike
Nuttall’s
errant passes.
Curtis Lax
Curtis
received 25
square inches
of thigh
bruising from
one of Eddie
Hoffman’s
errant passes.
[3]
Defence Wins Championships
DEFENCEMEN
Offense sells tickets, defense wins
championships. When push comes to
shove the Flyers defense has answered the
call all season. When fans talk about the
Flyers defencemen comparisons to the
some of the NHL's top ten greatest blue
liners always come up. Bevan Harlton has
been called a young Eddie Shore time and
time again with his grit and imposing
presence letting other teams know we play
old time hockey here in Pense. Bevan
collects action figures and enjoys building
Owen Meadows
Owen was voted the greatest
Hillbilly Vac Shack monkey
suit employee ever in 2008.
LEGO Star Wars replica battleships. Lee
Stewart gets constant comparison to
Boston great Zdeno Chara for size,
strength, and leadership. "Z" Stewart
enjoys curling up by the fire and reading
french poetry when he is not playing
hockey. Owen Meadows has often been
mistaken as Pense's version of Hall of
Famer Larry "Big Bird" Robinson. Owen
enjoys crocheting various different styles of
sweaters for pets when he is not on the
Robbie Lax
Robbie is a former M.W.A.
champion (Midget Wrestling
Association)and also enjoys
his weekly Zumba class.
Marvin Fischer
Marvin enjoys yoga (watching)
and push ups (Bras). Marv is
also a certified oragami
instructor.
!
Defensive
Stars up close
and
unbuttoned
[4]
ice. Young Robert Lax has often been
compared to an old Paul Coffey numerous
times on many of the Pense Flyers internet
blogs. Robbie enjoys collecting stamps
and coins. He currently has 5 stamps and
well over fourteen dollars in change. Daniel
Cooke has been dubbed the next Wayne
Wilson by many in the hockey world.
Following in such huge footsteps has
proved to be a challenge Danny has been
willing and able to fill. Dan enjoys purifying
his Rouleau water with reverse osmosis
and selling it to the other town folk for
considerable profit. At times Pense native
Marvin Fischer's style and ability has often
been mistaken for none other than #4 Bobby Orr's distant third cousin Frank Orr.
Marvin still holds the record for most time
spent in dressing room #1 after a game at
8 and 1/4 hours. Marvin has taken over
200 shots this season (13 medical, 139
alcohol, and 48 slap).
SASKATCHEWAN MINISTRY OF FAIR PLAY
!
Dear Pense Flyers:
You have been nominated to receive the 2014 Fair Play Initiative Award. We received two requests from hockey clubs you play
against that have nominated you to receive this award in recognition of your consideration towards your neighboring town Grand
Coulee. Both the Rouleau and Avonlea teams submitted your email correspondence as evidence of your caring and helping nature. We
were especially taken back by the efforts and cooperation of all the three teams involved in giving such a special gift that the Grand
Coulee men so desperately needed.
We have attached the submitted correspondence below for a reminder of your thoughtfulness. It is a great example of what this
province and it’s communities are all about. Taking the initiative in putting together a gift of this size is a huge undertaking. Judging
from Rouleau and Avonlea’s nomination letters it sounds that your team stepped up and did this with ever present amount of class.
To: "Avonlea" [email protected]; "Rouleau" <[email protected]>
From: <[email protected]>
Date: 03/06/2014 01:26PM
Subject: Letting Grand Coulee Win the Tournament
Gentlemen,
We have just handed Grand Coulee yet another devastating loss this year. They have still not beaten us all year and this time lost in a
tournament that all of them worked so hard to put on. After the game all of their players had the saddest faces I had ever seen.
Watching them pack up their equipment and head back to a town that offers No Services pulled deeply at our teams heartstrings. I have
heard rumblings from the Grand Coulee wives and partners that they are truly worried about the psychological effect this loss has had
on them and the town. Children have been all spotted walking around with their heads down so low it appears as if the Flyers took a
vacuum and sucked all of the hope from that hamlet. Because of this, I would like to propose that we all intentionally “throw” the
tournament and do Grand Coulee it’s first service. I know that this gesture would mean so much to their community and might even in
fact make the Coulee “Grand” again. Please let me know if you guys can get behind this noble cause.
To: "Pense"[email protected]; "Rouleau" <[email protected]>
From: [email protected]
Date: 03/06/2014 01:36PM
Subject:Re: Letting Grand Coulee Win the Tournament
Pense/Rouleau,
This is a great idea - we are in. We will pretend to be hungover and only give about 60% so they are not suspicious.
To: "Pense"[email protected]; "Avonlea" <[email protected]>
From: [email protected]
Date: 03/06/2014 01:46PM
Subject:Re: Letting Grand Coulee Win the Tournament
Pense/Avonlea,
We are also in. We will bring one of the worst goalies you guys have ever seen.
See you there.
Thanks Again Pense Flyers and Congratulations!!!!
Sincerely,
Dennis Mitchell
Minister of Fair Play
Pense Flyers Present:
Pense Flyer’s Cabaret
On April 5th, it will mark the 7th
•
•
•
•
annual Steak Night & Cabaret put on
by the team. Come on down and
support a great community event
and enjoy a great meal.
When?- April 5th
Where?- Pense Town Hall
How Much? - $20 per ticket
What about booze?- $3 per ticket
For Ticket Info
[email protected]
[5]
7TH ANNUAL -STEAK
NIGHT AND CABARET
Great Food-Great Music-Great People