Charade 4 - The Mockingbird

Federal Zombie Management
control zombie populations themselves, and
instead favored shotgun-proliferation
The Bureau of Zombie Management, a
legislation.
department within the Federal Vampire and
It was President Theodore Roosevelt who
Zombie Agency (FVZA), is a government
established the first federal zombie preserve, of
agency charged with managing zombie
which there are now seven in four different
populations in parts of
states.
16 states and 21 federally
ZOMBIE ALERT LEVELS Zombie management
mandated "Urban Risk
funding was slashed
Zones."
dramatically under the
The main duties of
administration of
the Bureau include
Herbert Hoover, leading
tracking and monitoring
to a rash of zombie
zombie populations
infestations in the early
(usually with the aid of
1930s. This inspired
radio ear tags),
President Franklin
destroying zombie packs
Roosevelt to establish in
that stray from federal
1934 the ZPA (Zombie
parklands, and operating
Progress Administration),
zombie control centers in
a federal program to
36 major cities.
provide zombie-hunting
Interested sportsmen
jobs to America's
may also apply for a
unemployed.
zombie hunting permit
Later, as part of the
by writing to the Bureau
postwar reorganization of
or applying online at
federal agencies, zombie
www.bzm.gov. Note that
management duties were
zombie hunting is only
folded into J. Edgar
allowed during the
Hoover's FBI, in an effort
authorized zombie
to streamline the related
hunting season which
processes of zombievaries from year to year
hunting and preventing communist infiltration.
but is generally in the fall. Contact your local The current Bureau of Zombie Management
zombie control center for more information.
was formed as part of the Zombie Protection
Zombie control has a long history in the
and Control Act, signed into law by Dwight
American federal government. The second
Eisenhower on January 8, 1957. Finally, the
Cleveland Administration established a
Bureau was subsumed as a subsection of the
"Commission on Zombie Affairs" in 1895, but newly created Federal Vampire and Zombie
the commission was disbanded four years later Agency as part of the Undead Management
under President McKinley as an unnecessary Reorganization Act of 1986, and merged into
extravagance. The pro-business McKinley felt the Department of Homeland Security in
that the American public could be entrusted to 2002 by the Bush administration.
2
0
0
9
S
U
M
M
E
R
E
D
I
T
I
O
N
CHARADE
Thursday, July 16, 2009
m
m
u
tS
e
t
u
t
i
t
er Ins
nigh
ut the
o
b
a
now
you k
d
i
d
e
?
Littl
pace. the undead
S
t
r
A
l
be al
f SI is
part o l? Could it
t
s
e
b
r al
the
think stless, afte
y
l
n
o
e
r
You
ves
e nati
are th
a
s
r
u
o
H
r
e
t
Af
hy
tlife. W
Precious Moments
Among the
Undead
Shown much smaller
than actual size of 10¼”
in diameter
Why didn’t the zombie move
forward with his lawsuit?
He had no leg to stand on.
What do zombies like to eat?
BRAAAAAAAAAAINS.
I Can Haz
Brainz?
A NUMBERED,
LIMITED-EDITION
The
Emerson
COLLECTOR PLATE
Mint is
EMBOSSED WITH 23KT GOLD.
known for the fine,
Express your love for your zombie sweetheart with transcendental artistry and quality of it’s
zombie handiwork. You’ll want to own the
this exquisite collectable dinner plate.
entire set!
Let’s face it, eating the raw flesh of your former
“I Love You More Than Brainz” is limited to
friends and neighbors can be messy and unrefined.
an edition size of 95 firing days. The price is
Show that special someone you aren’t one of the
just $12.95 (plus $65.43 nonrefundable
just-raised ravening zombie horde, but an undead of
shipping and handling.)
discernment and fine taste.
NO OBLIGATION--NO RISK.
Now you don’t have to serve your guests on paper
You can acquire “Brainz” with our guarantee
towels and mismatched crockery. The Emerson
of satisfaction. If not delighted, simply return
Mint is proud to introduce another in a line of SI
your plate postpaid within 3 days for refund.
commemorative plates, just for zombies!
Order yours today! This offer not in stores.
What do vegetarian zombies like
to eat?
GRAAAAAAAAAAINS.
Why do zombies pay such high
taxes?
CAPITAL GAAAAAAAINS
How do you know a zombie is
tired? He's dead on his feet.
What do little zombies play?
Corpses and Robbers.
What did the zombie get a medal
for? Deadication.
What did the zombie's friend say
when he introduced him to his
girlfriend? Good grief ! Where
did you dig her up from?
What do you call a zombie in a
belfry? A dead ringer.
All comics used by
permission.
I DON’T THINK HE CAN SEE US -HE’S A LEVEL FIVE AGNOSTIC