The Couples Enneagram Handbook

Transcription

what
The Essential Guide to a Successful Relationship
The Conscious
Couples
Relationship
A New Orientation of
Self-Awareness , Skills & Tools for
Sustaining Love & Harmony -Based on the Spiritual & Inner Enneagram
Chris Wright
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
!
The Conscious
Couples
Relationship
A New Orientation of
Self-Awareness, Skills & Tools for
Sustaining Love & Harmony -Based on the Spiritual & Inner Enneagram
Chris Wright, M.A.
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
607 Chain Bridge Road
McLean, Virginia 22101
(703) 560-1520
Email: [email protected]
Website: www.chriswrightcounseling.com
what
! The Couples Enneagram Handbook
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Chapter 1: CONSCIOUS COUPLES RELATIONSHIPS:
The New Paradigm of Intimacy & Harmony in Couples Relationships
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First Our Shadow Side: Resolving Differences, Tensions, & Issues in the Relationship
What About Partners Who Do Not Want to Work on Their Issues?
Resolving Your Issues & Growing Together
Secondly, Working with Love: Deepening Your Fulfillment Together
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Chapter 2: THE SPIRITUAL & INNER ENNEAGRAM:
An Ancient And Yet New Wisdom System for Gaining Self Awareness
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Why the Enneagram is Important to the Success of Your Relationship
The Basis of Fulfillment Together is Responding to Each Other’s Core Needs!
All of Your Issues, Arguments, Unhappiness Together Are Simply Unmet Needs!
Protecting Each Other from the Pressures in Your Personality that Undermine Your Relationship Together
How You Communicate Your Tensions & Needs Tends to Determine How Your Partner Responds
Without Self-Awareness of the Pressures in Your Personality, How Will Each of You
Ever Grow as a Person? And How Will You Ever Heal the Source of those Pressures?
Gaining Awareness & Appreciating the Natural Gifts That Each of You Express in Life
How the Teaching the Enneagram Evolved for Me
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The Evolution of the Enneagram
The Effect of the Inner Enneagram on Distressed Couples
Experiencing the Unification of One’s Self or Essential Nature
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Lastly, How This Handbook Can Be Useful for You
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The Three Phases in Developing a Conscious Relationship Together
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Section I:
DISCOVERING YOU & YOUR PARTNER’S ENNEAGRAM PERSONALITY TYPES
Chapter 3: HOW THE ENNEAGRAM WORKS
You Are Not Just One Enneagram Type
Lines Can Be As Strong as Your Core Personality Type
Some People’s Core Personality Type is BURIED By Their Wings & Lines
Your Wings & Lines Modify Your Core Personality Type
You Are Born This Way
The Misunderstanding of Lines in the Conventional Enneagram System
The Fundamental Triad of Consciousness: Emotional, Mental, or Will Based Energy
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Chapter 4: HOW TO DETERMINE YOUR CORE TYPE
Select the statement that fits you the most:
Outline of the Nine Enneagram Types
Summary Chart of the Nine Personality Dynamics
How to Best Get Along With Each Type
Chapter 5: THE THREE DIMENSION OF THE ENNEAGRAM
The Personality Enneagram
The Inner Enneagram
The Spiritual Enneagram
Modeling the Nature of Who You Are
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Section II:
THE DYNAMICS OF THE SPIRITUAL & INNER ENNEAGRAM
Within Your Self & Within Your Relationship
Chapter 6: HOW THE SPIRITUAL ENNEAGRAM WORKS
www.chriswrightcounseling.com
UNDERSTANDING EACH OTHER’S WORLD
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Copyright © 2016 Chris Wright
Your Essential Nature
The Nature of the True Self or Higher Self
Becoming Whole -- Unifying Our Lower & Higher Self
Enlivening & Developing the Natural Gifts in Each Other
The 5 to 1 Ratio
The Gifts of the Nine Types
So What Are Your Gifts, Your Partner’s Gifts, & Your Children’s Special Gifts?
Recognizing Each Other’s Inner Gifts
Advanced Topic: The Triune Nature of Self
But Now, What About the Ego?
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Chapter 7: HOW THE INNER ENNEAGRAM WORKS: THE FALL FROM GRACE
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What Separates You From Your Essential Nature?
Our Personality Has Disconnected From Our Essential Nature
This Emptiness at Your Core Inside is Intolerable to Experience
We Desperately Seek Outside What We Are Missing Inside
These Insecurities Create the “Core Ego Needs” in Your Personality
Let’s Use an Example with a Couple
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Chapter 8: How To Benefit From This Handbook:
FIRST -- IDENTIFY YOUR, AND YOUR PARTNER’S, CORE EGO NEEDS
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Ego Needs Are Different From Desires & Wants
Sources to Help You Identify Each Other’s Core Ego Needs
Your Goal: To Be Able to Articulate Each Other’s Core Needs
To Be Proactive & Responsive, Takes Intentionality & Commitment for Each of You to Take the Initiative
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Chapter 9: IDENTIFYING YOUR CORED NEEDS - PART II: YOUR ENNEGRAM SUBTYPES
Three Personality Subtypes - Additional Core Needs in Your Personality
Self-Preservationist Subtype
One-on-One Subtype
Social Subtype
Stacking Your Subtypes
Differences in Your Subtypes Can Cause Very Difficult Tensions Together
Both Needs Matter! If You Want to Sustain the Fulfillment in this Marriage
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SECOND -- GAIN SELF-AWRENESS OF WHERE YOU ARE OVER-THE-TOP
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People Always Try to Justify Their Ego Needs & Tensions
Having Inner Tensions is Human
Healing the Shame That Binds You
But These Ego Tensions & Distortions Are Not Who You Are
Remember, Being Over-the-top Is Relative
EXERCISE: WAYS THAT I CAN BE OVER-THE-TOP
EXERCISE: WAYS MY PARTNER CAN BE OVER-THE-TOP
Owning Your Pressures
What If Your Partner Refuses to Learn About His or Her Pressures
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THIRD -- RECOGNIZE THE UNDERLYING INSECURITIES THAT GENERATE
YOUR EGO NEEDS & THE TENSIONS IN YOUR PERSONALITY
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This is Why People Take Psych Medications to Anesthetize Inner Emotional Tension
Becoming Aware of What Those Core Insecurities Are Deep Inside
The 90/10 Rule
Your Response to Conflict Depends on Your Own 90%
Anger & Blame Is a Ruse. It Is a Deflection. So You Do Not Have to Open Up or Expose Your Pain
Safely Processing Your Insecurities When Triggered, Instead of Blaming
EXERCISES: What Bothers You? What Bothers Your Partner About You?
Discovering What Are Your 90’s
What This Leads to in Your Relationship Together
Strengthening the Observer -- Your Higher Self
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Now Let’s Apply This to Your Relationship: EXERCISES
Summary Chart of the Nine Personality Dynamics
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Chapter 12: THE TWO FUNDAMENTAL KEYS TO THE SUCCESS OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP
I. Your Success Depends on Meeting Each Other’s Core Emotional Needs
Both Needs Matter! Your Needs Are Just As Important to Me as My Own Needs
Why Partners Do Not Fill Each Other’s Needs
1. Each Other’s Needs & Insecurities Can Be Foreign to the Other.
2. How We Communicate Our Needs Can Determine Whether They Are Consistently Met.
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Success of the Relationship Depends on Having Your Ego Needs Met - Which Keeps You Dependent
The Unreality of Your World
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II. Your Success Depends on Your Ability to Recognize, Own, & Safely Process Your
Tensions to Resolution When You are ‘Over-the-Top’ in the Relationship
Chapter 13: THIS CONSCIOUS COUPLES ORIENTATION SPRINGS NEW
PARADIGM SHIFTS IN HOW WE DEAL WITH CONFLICT
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Our Insecurities Generate the Upsets in a Conflict
And Our Insecurities Distort Our World View of Expectations, Beliefs, Attitudes & Values
The Natural Resistance to Recognizing, Owning, & Resolving Together Your Imbalances & Insecurities
If You Blame Others or Shut Down, And You Refuse to Gain Self-Awareness -- What Is Your
Partner, Children, Family Members to Do?
Resolving the Current Problem and the Underlying Issues That Create the Conflict = 90/10
The Spiritual Perspective on 90/10 Can Be Helpful
Turning It Around Means Each Partner Goes Inward
Self-Awareness Strengthens Your Self, Frees You From Shame & Enables Each of You to Recognize &
Work on Your Issues Together
It Is Personal Study That Strengthens Familiarity & Expands Your Self-Awareness
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THE TOOLS WITH THIS ORIENTATION ALSO CREATE A PARADIGM SHIFT
Opening Up & Becoming Vulnerable Also Enables You to Be Heard!
This All Leads to Humility
Now Solving the Issues Together -- the 90% Insecurities & the 10% Triggers
With These Awarenesses & Tools, You Reframe Conflict in Your Relationship as an
Opportunity for Accelerated Growth
And Conflict Becomes Your Best Opportunity for Restoring Your Pure, Natural Self
What About Those Relationships Who Resist This or Are Having a Tough Go?
This May Also Seem Counterintuitive to the Wiring of Some Enneagram Types
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THE SECOND FUNDAMENTAL SKILL SET: DEEPENING YOUR LOVE & FULFILLMENT TOGETHER 129
Learning All of These Tools & Skills Together
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Chapter 14: IN ORDER TO GROW -- WITHIN OURSELVES & CLOSER TOGETHER
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[IN PROGRESS]
Chapter 15: AFFAIRS IN THE RELATIONSHIP
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[IN PROGRESS]
Section III
PREPARING TO READ THE NINE SPIRITUAL & INNER ENNEAGRAM PROFILES
Chapter 16: PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER -- BEFORE YOU READ THE NINE PROFILES
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Discovering the Enneagram Type of Everyone You Know
Before You Start Reading the Enneagram Profiles
Focus on the Core Needs That Drive Those Personality Qualities
Chapter 17: IDENTIFYING OTHER PEOPLES’ ENNEAGRAM TYPES
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Interesting Observations About People of the Same Enneagram Type
The Enneagram Types With the Largest Number of People
The Enneagram Types of Scientists
The Enneagram Types of Elementary & Pre-School Teachers
The Enneagram Types of Engineers
The Enneagram Types of Social & Political Conservatives. And Those with Strong Family Values.
The Enneagram Types of Politicians
The Enneagram Types Who Are Drawn to the Military, Police, Secret Service, & Firemen
The Enneagram Types of Artists
The Enneagram Types of Balding Men
The Enneagram Types of Heavy-Set & Big People
The Enneagram Types Who Are Drawn to the Construction Industry
The Car You Drive Can Reflect Your Enneagram Type
The Enneagram Types Who Are Drawn to Nature
The Enneagram Types of Men With Long Hair
The Enneagram Types of Men With Beards
The Enneagram Types of Men With Tattoos
The Enneagram Types of People Who Wear Glasses
The Enneagram Types of People Who Wear Bow Ties
Possible Enneagram Types of Well Known People
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Section IV
THE NINE SPIRITUAL & INNER ENNEAGRAM PROFILES
ONES -- The Perfectionist
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Ones & Their Wings and Lines
“Buried Ones” Can Show Up Completely Different Than Outlined Here
THE SPIRITUAL ENNEAGRAM
THE INNER ENNEAGRAM
The Contextual Nature of One’s Ego is Will
One’s Will Nature Can Overshadow Their Heart
That Place of Emptiness of The One’s True Self = Self Imperfection
HEALTHY VS UNHEALTHY ONES
How Tensions Tend to Show Up in Ones -- In Their Partner’s Words
PERFECT ORGANIZATION
CLEANLINESS AND GERMS
THE RIGHT WAY AND THE WRONG WAY
DISCIPLINE, LAZINESS, PUNCTUALITY
MORALISTS
STRAIGHT SHOOTERS = CONFLICT
RIGHTEOUSNESS
Now The Healthy & The Pure, Enlightened Ones
Ones as Mothers & Fathers
Ones as Partners in a Relationship
Who Ones Tend to Marry
FOR ONES TO GROW
Those With Strong One Energies in Their Personality Need to Master:
Exercise: Identifying Core Needs of the One
Exercise: Identifying Where Ones Go Over-the-top
TWOS -- The Giver
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The Inner Enneagram
Healthy vs. Unhealthy Ones
Ones In Relationship
Who Ones Tend to Marry & the Conflicts They Typically Encounter
To Grow, Ones Need to…
THREES -- The Achiever
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FOURS -- The Feeler
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FIVES -- The Observer
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SIXES -- Mr./Ms. Responsible
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The Incredible Qualities of Sixes
Sixes Values & Talents
The Inner Enneagram
Sixes Wings & Lines, And for Those with Strong Wings & Lines to Six
Healthy vs. Unhealthy Sixes
Sixes as Mothers & Fathers
Sixes’ Fundamental Distrust: Us vs. Them -- Conspiracy Fears -- Paranoia
Healthy & Enlightened Sixes
Identifying Sixes’ Specific Core Needs & Underlying Insecurities. EXERCISE.
The Sixes’ Relationship
In Their Own Words -- Tensions & Difficulties These Couples Report in Their Relationship
Sixes Tend to Marry . . .
For Sixes to Grow
Everything in Your World Feels Like It is Reality
1. In Order to Grow… See Through the Illusion of “Problems”
Advanced Topic: The Essential Nature of Sixes Reveals the Illusion of Distrust
Seeing Through the Illusion: “Does it Really Matter?”
2. In Order to Grow . . . Take Responsibility for Your Imbalances
3. In Order to Grow . . . Notice When You Are Scanning for “What Is Wrong” = Buzz Kill!
4. In Order to Grow . . . Sometimes Sixes Need to Bite Their Tongue
5. In Order to Grow . . . Examine Your Expectations -- the Source of Most of Your Tensions & Arguments
6. In Order to Grow . . . Effective Communication is Key
7. In Order to Grow . . . Learn to Communicate in a Positive, Respective Way
8. In Order to Grow . . . When You are Upset, Learn to Communicate Your 90’s
9. In Order to Grow . . . Learn to Validate Your Partner’s Reality
10. In Order to Grow . . . Learn to Move Into Your Heart Center
11. In Order to Grow . . . Learn to Come Back Into Your Body & Relax
12. In Order to Grow . . . When You are Carrying Too Much Tension, Learn How to Feel Safe to Naturally Cry
13. In Order to Grow . . . Watch Other Sixes -- Those Who are Really Insecure vs. Those Really Healthy
Lastly How Sixes Deal With Emotional & Sexual Affairs
SEVENS -- The Cheerful Optimist & Adventurer
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The Inner Enneagram
EIGHTS -- Mr./Ms. Powerful
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Nines ARE Nature
The Inner Enneagram
NINES -- Mr./Ms. Easy Going
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Nines ARE Nature
Nines Wings & Lines, And for Those with Strong Wings & Lines to Nines
The Inner Enneagram
Nines Avoid Inner & Outer Tension By…
What We Love About Nines
Attention Deficit Disorder
Self Esteem
Alcohol & Marijuana
Healthy & Enlightened Nines
Identifying Nines Core Needs & Underlying Insecurities
Partners in Relationship with a Nine or With Someone with a Strong Wing or Line to Nine
No Wonder There Can Be Conflict in Nine’s Relationship
In Their Own Words -- Tensions & Difficulties These Couples Report in Their Relationship
What Bothers Their Partner Depends Precisely on the Partner’s 90’s
Nines Respond to Positive, Supportive Structures
The Ego Needs of Enneagram Types Married to Nines
What Makes it So Difficult to Solve or Change Together
Solving the Differences, Tensions, & Issues Together
To Grow, Nines Need to…
Crossing The River By Styles
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APPENDICES
APPENDIX I: Advanced Topic: The Triune Nature of Self
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Chapter 1
CONSCIOUS COUPLES RELATIONSHIPS
The New Paradigm Of Intimacy In Couples Relationships
In the last few years a new paradigm has emerged in couples relationships. One that is radically
different from the earlier heights we all aspired to -- that of a “healthy relationship.” This new
conscious approach to relating intimately represents a complete shift in our orientation, the processes
involved, and even the goals of our being together. And yet it offers a level of harmony, healing,
passion, intimacy and growth that is far beyond what we’ve come to expect. Or aim for.
This paradigm is so new to us, we rarely see it clearly laid out anywhere. Yet as we go through the
dynamics, you will intuitively recognize it. Relate to it. Affirm it. For it represents more closely the
archetype that lies deep in our hearts than any other model of a life partnership. But then you will
also come to see why it has been, up to now, so rare.
To start with, what do we mean by a conscious couples relationship? And how is it different from
what we have known in the past? Just as it implies, a “conscious” relationship is one where each of
us stays conscious, or present, in our connection together. Through thick and thin. Staying conscious
means keeping our hearts and minds open, vulnerable, and connected to each other.
In a conscious relationship this connection is sacred. Something magical happens when you feel
connected and truly present together. You can always tell when your hearts are open to each other.
Just as you can tell when your partner shuts you out of his or her heart, and goes unconscious in the
relationship. Consciously preserving this connection -- enlivening it, deepening it, and consciously
resolving everything which arises that threatens it together -- that’s a Conscious Relationship.
So what does it take? There are two fundamental dynamics that we will need to master. On the one
hand, there are dynamics that enliven our loving feelings, and nourish our relationship and our
souls. They include all of the caring behaviors and shared fun, meaningful, and loving experiences
that foster connection together. These are also what bring us closer to our true nature. Then there are
contrary dynamics that are driven by tension which threaten the love in our hearts and our
connection together. They distort our essence and true nature. This new path is about consciously
working with both of these dynamics -- our love and our shadow.
The basis of this new approach is in first gaining self-awareness of the inner dynamics in your
personalities that are affecting you and your partner. The wise framework that provides this clarity
is the Inner Enneagram and the Spiritual Enneagram. This simple, easily learned system accurately
outlines the inner forces you each face in your world that affect your relationship together.
It shows you objectively the forces in your personalities that determine your natural gifts, your core
ego needs, the inner pressures you experience in your personality, and the underlying insecurities that
drive them. It gives you together a shared awareness and understanding of each other that will make
you more conscious and connected.
In this Volume I of The Conscious Couples Relationship, the focus is on gaining this shared selfawareness together. And as you will see, it makes all the difference. The more self-aware you are of
the natural forces and pressures in your personalities, the healthier and balanced you will be in this
relationship. And the easier it will be to live with you, and love you. Gaining mastery in your selfawarenesses together is the key to a successful Conscious Relationship.
Then in Volume II, the focus shifts to the skills and tools that enable you to safely resolve the
differences, tensions, and issues that emerge together as well as the skills that will sustain and deepen
your intimate connection. It is important to learn frameworks that will enable you to maintain your
presence together in the face of the issues that you bring up in each other. So that you both are able to
grow from and heal what emerges in your relationship together. And, too, develop your skills in
responding to each other’s core needs so the relationship is more and more fulfilling and loving with
each other.
Our Shadow Side: Differences & Issues in the Relationship
What could threaten the love connection when people truly fall in love? Interestingly, when you are
in love with someone, when you “surrender” your heart, you become very vulnerable in the
relationship. “Vulnerable,” however, means being “hurt-able.” That is why the more you open your
heart with someone, the more easily you can be hurt. And deeply. Those who have been burned
know how hard that can be.
Also, the more you fall in love, the more exposed are your deepest insecurities, dependencies and
unresolved needs. All of your emotional wounds since infancy and birth, in childhood, adolescence,
and in your previous love relationships are exposed the more you open your heart.
The stronger the love’s radiance, the darker the shadows we can encounter.
John Welwood
At the same time, it is natural to be drawn to someone whose inner world is different from yours.
Their personality offers different gifts and qualities that complement yours, expand yours, and are
interesting to you. But on the other side of the coin, it also means that they bring to the relationship a
different set of sensitivities, emotional needs, insecurities and pressures in their personality.
That too, is fine. That is, until your partner’s needs and pressures trigger your own sensitivities or
when they counter or prevent your core ego needs from being met. And that is a problem because
your emotional needs and sensitivities are rooted in your core insecurities (just as your partner’s
needs are rooted in his or her insecurities!). So when those core needs are not responded to, it
becomes frustrating and hurtful. If continually unmet, there will be a lot of unbearable tension in the
relationship and your well-being is affected. Also, having your sensitivities and insecurities regularly
triggered by your partner will bring up incredible turbulence and eventually shut your heart down in
the relationship.
Most all people see this triggering each other as a real problem in a marriage. And it is, if you do not
understand what is really happening (the focus of this Volume I). And, too, if you do not have safe
frameworks, tools, and skills to process those issues together harmoniously to resolution (the focus of
Volume II). Without any self-awareness or tools, projections such as anger and blame tend to show
up where it becomes everyone else’s fault. The underlying insecurities that were triggered remain
unconscious, the hurt and resentful feelings going underground. and each partner ends up shutting
down. No wonder people grow slowly apart over the years.
The Conscious Relationship Orientation
In a Conscious Relationship we are committed to keeping our hearts open and being vulnerable in
love together through the thick and thin. Which means staying present, or conscious, to experience
whatever emerges, or is exposed -- the pleasure and the pain. This includes keeping our hearts open
and connected together to our innocent loving feelings that are enlivened. It also means staying
present in engaging inside of ourselves when inner frustrations, anxieties, and disappointments
stemming from our insecurities become inflamed.
This is where a Conscious Relationship is as radically different from the “healthy” relationship as it is
from the relationships of our parents. With a conscious couple the relationship is seen not only as a
means to expand our love, but it is also seen as a primary vehicle for our personal and spiritual
growth and healing.
Those issues that generate tensions in the relationship are seen as areas where each of us needs to
grow and heal. They become part of our work that we are here to do towards wholeness. We honor
the process, and use the issues as valuable opportunities for expansion and the purification of our
consciousness as we root out the insecurities that bind us. This becomes a vital part of our path to
inner freedom and fulfillment.
In a typical relationship, however, this is where things typically break down. As tensions emerge, we
tend to blame our partner for the charged issues that are triggered or we shut down. And if attacked,
we defend ourselves against owning them. In any case, there is little or no understanding of the true
inner dynamics, nor a framework of safety for opening up and processing those tensions together. In
the midst of the turbulence, we lose our presence and our wisdom, and respond unconsciously. The
primitive networks in the brain take over to protect our system.
However, in deflecting the painful issues through blame or by defending, do those underlying
insecurities ever get resolved? Unfortunately, they simply go underground, where they continue to
fester. Over the years, with each disappointment, upset and disconnection we can feel our hearts
have pulled back. As unresolved issues silently mount up, they weaken our sense of connection and
intimacy. We find ourselves losing our innocence and the purity of our love. So we grow apart, and
feel more separate. How could it be any other way?
Of course, you can always tell in a relationship. You can feel it in your heart. You may even forget
many of the original jarring incidents. But each one left a bad taste in your mouth. And the
emotional charge of the painful feelings and unmet needs that were registered still live on deep
inside.
Recognizing this, the conscious couple is committed to safely resolving the differences, tensions, and
issues that emerge which interfere with their love and innocent connection. “Nothing goes
underground, or is left unconscious and unresolved” is the mantra. With this new self-awareness and the
tools for safely processing issues to resolution, the partners form a conscious alliance to work through
threatening issues that emerge together. They do so in order to preserve and deepen their love
together. But they also do so to heal and free themselves of their wounded parts as well.
We come together in a conscious relationship to discover, “What is the work each of us have to do
together towards wholeness” -- psychologically, emotionally, and on the soul level. We recognize that
our unconscious distorted insecurities will need to surface and worked through in order to develop
our true nature. It is inevitable. It is the very process of Life -- how consciousness evolves.
And what better place to do it than in a committed relationship? Where else are you going to get so
triggered? So now, each conflict, trigger, unmet need, or distorted behavior gives each of you
valuable insight into what you are lacking in the goodness of your Being. They are clues to what you
need to heal within your selves. They are not just another hassle, they tell you something important,
something vital. Something that your partner wishes you were aware of. They lead you to your
pain. So you can heal your hearts. And free your souls.
Many of people are getting to the point where they realize that they cannot hang out in those old,
unconscious, distorted patterns anymore. It just results in too much suffering -- within themselves, in
their marriage, in the terrible effect it has on their kids growing up, as well as on the whole society.
In staying unconscious, these insecurities and distortions undermine everything you aspire to and
hold dear in your lives.
Clearly, this involves a commitment to knowing our inner self, expanding our pure Self, healing our
selves. We use the relationship to inspire and support each other to bring the light of consciousness
to these binding areas of our unconscious. But we need the self-awareness and skills that will enable
us to do so. Safe frameworks that allow us to stay present in the face of our turbulent issues, as we
discover and heal those lost, painful, repressed parts of our selves.
Instead of acting them out or blaming each other, with the self-awareness that we gain, we now take
responsibility for them when they emerge, and process them to peace inside. As a result, we become
more secure and loving within our Selves as human beings, and with each other.
What About Partners Who Do Not Want to Work on Their Issues?
So what would be the reason a partner might not want to work on their issues together? “I don’t want
to have to look at my part in this,” or “I don’t want to have to face my limitations, my inadequacies and
insecurities.” Isn’t it because people do not feel safe? They intuitively realize that they do not have
the tools, shared understandings, and frameworks in the relationship that would make the process
secure or harmonious together. Or that would ensure a positive and healing outcome.
They are probably right. People tend to lack the understandings and the tools that make them feel
safe enough to be vulnerable together for the healing process to take place. Without these
understandings, tools and skills, they can easily get stuck in their insecurities. And lose the rich
opportunity that is there. For most people in relationship, the opportunity is right there in the
tensions that are confronting them.
Actually, most people do not even get to choose. They tend to draw in the perfect mate who will
expose and trigger their emotionally-charged, wounded areas. It will all show up in the conflicts and
tensions couples experience together -- in the buttons that get pushed, in the arguments they have, in
the areas they are not able to discuss. It is inevitable. Since everyone is pretty much in the same boat
with unresolved issues and insecurities inside to resolve, there is little chance for a free ride.
So in our partner, we have met our match. He or she becomes the mirror that brings to the forefront
our insecurities, distortions and flaws. Knowing this, we realize that projecting everything back onto
our partner -- making it his or her fault for all of the problems in the relationship -- does not work in
resolving them. Nor does staying in denial or avoiding the real issues and insecurities within
ourselves that keep getting triggered or that we freely act out.
Many are surprised to realize that the success of a relationship does not depend on finding someone
without issues -- Good Luck! Rather, your success together depends on how self-aware and healthy
each of you are with your own issues, and how safely you deal with your inner pressures and
insecurities when they emerge in the relationship.
This is the work necessary on your shadow side that will free you, making you more secure and
fulfilled within your Self. It is also what will make your relationship more harmonious and fulfilling
together.
Resolving Your Issues & Growing Together
The self-awareness that you gain from the Spiritual and Inner Enneagram will give you mastery in
this journey together. For the more inner awareness you have, the wiser you each will become in the
face of your issues together. Knowledge is power here. This new wisdom expands your
consciousness in how you experience yourself and each other, thereby changing your whole
perspective. You’ll see. It establishes new foundation of shared awareness, where you develop
together a “friendly,” even compassionate, understanding of the sensitive and insecure aspects of
your selves that become triggered and need healing.
The insecurities and issues inside you that become exposed in the relationship are very sensitive. In
one’s frustration, it is easy to make each other feel wrong. However, in the natural evolution of
consciousness, this is not about deficiency. This is how we grow. As you gain more awareness, it
becomes simply where each person needs to focus their attention to reap more fullness inside their
Selves and in their relationship together. These new intimate awarenesses enable us to affirm the
process and respond more compassionately to each other’s wounded areas.
This is much like how you feel with your young daughter or son if you were to finally discover the
source of some underlying imbalance in their physical or emotional health that they struggle with. In
gaining this new awareness, your natural response is empathetic. It makes you care and feel for
them. And even more so as you learn of their inner struggles that they go through in their world.
In the face of unwanted issues, you actually want to discover the knowledge that will enable you to
free yourselves of the binding hold those insecurities have had on each of you. The Spiritual and
Inner Enneagram will provide you with a roadmap and the new skills and tools can make the process
of healing safe and empowering together. These frameworks simply enable you to stay conscious,
stay present, in order to process any tensions, inner pressures, or upsets to resolution. Instead of
going unconscious, or unconsciously acting them out onto others, you now will have the awareness
and tools to go inward and each do your work, and support each other in the process.
This is foundation for resolving your issues together, for healing takes place when you open up your
hearts. Consciousness heals. Unconsciousness represses. The tools we teach support us to stay fully
present. Live from presence.
So charged issues that used to get us stuck, that would have become an argument or pulled us a part,
are now transformed into a sacred process of healing together. When we safely open up and
consciously move through the issues to resolution, we end up feeling peace in our hearts, and closer
to each other. And in the process, we actually free up deeper qualities of our true nature. The result
is a genuine humbleness in the relationship. And mutual appreciation, “Thank you for showing me
this, and helping me heal.” The complete trust, closeness, and growth that results is incredible.
How is it in your relationship when differences and conflicts emerge? Certainly, without these
understandings, self-awareness, and safe tools, the process can be hell. This is why Conscious
Couples Relationships are rare. The concept has arrived, but it is new on the scene. So most couples
will need to gain these inner awarenesses and learn together effective tools, frameworks and
processes that fortify each other’s presence to make the process of resolution safe together.
Fortunately, they can be learned and internalized by most couples as a natural part of their
personalities and lives.
“Why would we have to learn it? For if we truly love each other, there shouldn’t be these upset feelings.” Ah,
yet it is just as natural when we open our heart in true love that our deepest insecurities and
dependencies are more exposed and easily triggered. But then, nobody is expected in our culture to
learn about these inner dynamics. I mean, where could you have gained this self-awareness or these
skills for when your issues are triggered? They do not teach them in school growing up, or even in
college. You simply fall back on whatever has enabled you to get through life. That becomes the skill
set that you each are left with when you get married.
Most people, however, will discover that their limited self-awareness and their skill levels are simply
not enough in the face of the added emotional pressures and expectations in a marriage, and with
having children. At least this is probably true for the fifty percent of couples who end up in divorce.
When you are getting married, you are so in love that you naturally think that won’t happen to you.
But it certainly can.
So it makes sense that both partners take this seriously and engage in this educational process where
they gain these awarenesses and skills together. After all, you naturally go for training to make
yourselves more effective in your career. People pay big money with college loans and invest much
effort to get degrees and certifications to ensure their success. Being successful and having a happy
marriage and family are the primary goals for most people, I imagine. So then it becomes just as
important to ensure the success of your marriage. Gaining this education and skills competency is
the purpose of these two volumes.
Working with Love: Deepening Your Fulfillment Together
This is the second dynamic to master in a Conscious Relationship -- intentionally and consciously
enlivening your positive, loving feelings together. Couples are drawn together because they are a
source of love, pleasure, and meaning for each other. Finding a partner that makes you feel fulfilled - who responds to your deepest emotional, intellectual, physical, and spiritual needs, and who
enlivens your loving feelings -- that is the key to a loving and happy relationship together.
For many couples, however, they got married and then focused much of their attention on the neverending projects and demands that come up -- their education or career, having kids, mortgages,
personal projects and interests. In a Conscious Relationship, however, there is an awareness that
relationships, and people, need nurturing to expand their Selves. We grow and are nourished when
we connect together in our hearts, minds, and bodies in enlivening our Selves together.
Certainly, love relationships start out that way. But here is the rub. As your partner’s world is
different from yours, your essential core ego needs will also be different. Your partner simply does
not “need” all that really fundamentally matters to you. And yet, these personality needs of yours
are not just “preferences.” They are essential emotional needs that affect your very well-being and
need to be met for you to thrive.
This is why to the extent your core ego needs are disregarded, dishonored, or not met, your heart will
begin to close down. But what is a partner to do? Your needs -- what really matters to you and fills
your sense of self -- can feel foreign to your partner. They don’t need it or ever think about it. It does
not even make sense to them.
Fortunately, the Inner Enneagram concretely identifies for each person what their core ego needs are.
This is fundamental to the success or failure of your marriage. Both Needs Matter! Now with this
shared awareness together, your commitment together is to make your partner’s core emotional needs as
important as your own! That’s the team. And that is what will keep each other nourished in your
growth together.
Chapter 2
THE SPIRITUAL & INNER ENNEAGRAM
An Ancient And Yet New Wisdom System for Gaining Self Awareness
There is a new knowledge that is emerging that is fundamental for the success of a couple’s
relationship. It represents an incredible breakthrough for couples. The lack of this understanding is
the basis for why most couples grow apart overtime. Living from this simple yet powerful awareness
together enables a couple who fall in love to sustain their original loving feelings over time.
The basis of this knowledge is from the Inner Enneagram. The Inner Enneagram has it roots in
ancient systems in sacred psychology. It describes why people are the way they are. The system
provides a uniquely detailed picture of the whole personality as well as the inner gifts and pressures
that generate the personality. For everyone, it identifies your natural strengths, your core needs,
limitations, and challenges.
The Enneagram system that is typically taught is the conventional “personality” Enneagram, which is
very accurate in describing the personality characteristics and tendencies of each person. In contrast,
the lesser-known Inner Enneagram unveils the underlying dynamics that give rise to those qualities
in your personality. Finally, the little known Spiritual Enneagram focuses on the spiritual essential
nature of each personality. It provides a roadmap for developing the inner wholeness or holiness of
each person. In this book we will cover all three dimensions, however, we will focus particularly on
the inner dynamics and how they affect your relationship.
For couples, the Inner Enneagram is particularly helpful as it identifies the underlying forces that
create each partner’s core personality needs and inner pressures in the relationship. These ego needs
are fundamental to who you are. Often unconscious, these core needs act as the driving, patterned
force that determine every facet of your personality. They also will determine the success or failure
in a relationship.
Whether you are in a relationship or single, understanding what your core ego needs are in your
relationships, and the underlying pressures that drive and distort them in your life, is invaluable selfawareness to have. This book focuses on the unique inner dynamics within every individual that
gives rise to their personality that affect their life and their relationships. Understanding these
pressures within yourself and your partner makes all the difference in the success of a relationship.
If you are single, having this self-awareness will help integrate you, as well as enable you to quickly
recognize the gifts, emotional needs, and inner pressures of the people you meet to assure you find a
compatible match.
I. WHY THE ENNEAGRAM IS IMPORTANT
TO THE SUCCESS OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP
The Basis of Fulfillment Together is
Responding to Each Other’s Core Needs!
In a committed relationship, it is vital that you understand each other’s world, and be responsive to
each other’s needs. Each of you enters the relationship with usually just two or three distinct, vital
emotional needs at the core of your personality. These are core ego needs that reflect what really
matters to you in your life, and in your relationship. Simply put, when those fundamental needs are
met in your relationship, you thrive. Finding someone who appreciates these personality needs, and
naturally responds to them, will dictate your level of compatibility, and your happiness and
fulfillment together.
Having these few underlying needs met in your relationship makes all the difference. When each of
you is responsive to what really matters to the other, you each feel nourished, and live harmoniously.
These are the times in your relationship together when you feel loved, happy, fulfilled, and at peace
with your partner. You feel fortunate to be together.
These primary two or three ego needs are not simply desires or wants that you might have. They are
much deeper than that as they are fundamentally connected to who you are. They are vital to your
very well-being because they are the specific ways that you connect to your inner self in your
personality.
That is why when these core needs are filled, you feel fully connected to your natural self inside. You
feel secure and relaxed within your self, and enlivened at your core. As a result, your heart opens in
appreciation and love. You feel happy and fulfilled inside -- in life, and with your partner.
On the other side of the coin, a partner who disregards or is insensitive to what really matters to you
will create tensions in the relationship. Those are the times you feel disappointed, irritated, angry, or
upset together. In fact, all arguments and conflicts stem from each other’s underlying, core
personality needs not being respected, honored, made important, or responded to.
When these ego needs are left unfulfilled, you will feel disconnected from your natural self. You feel
empty inside at your core. This emptiness inside is a scary place for all of us. In fact, it is intolerable.
It is simply too painful to go there. When this sensitive, empty place is triggered, that is when you
will feel emotional tension and turmoil inside. You lose your presence, your self, as you become
frustrated, angry, hurt, shut down, and unhappy.
If this continues over time, you will feel more and more unfulfilled in the relationship. The innocence
of your original love inevitably starts eroding. You start to feel more separate as your heart starts to
shut down to protect your self. At the same time you can find yourselves arguing more. Which leads
to further emotional distance -- within your self, and with each other.
According to the statistics, this is a road that many couples inadvertently find themselves. If fifty
percent of marriages end in divorce, then ask yourself, what about the other fifty percent who stay
together? What percentage of those who remain married do so just for the kids, or for financial
reasons, or it is better than being alone?
Could it be that another twenty percent are unfulfilled but, nevertheless, stay in the marriage? If so,
that would mean the chances of a marriage ending up unhappy together are much more likely than
not, maybe as much as seventy percent of the time! Ouch. Those are not good odds. Think of all the
couples on their special wedding day who are just getting married. They feel so in love and happy
together. It must be difficult for them to even imagine that their chances of a successful marriage
might be just thirty percent. Alas.
All of Your Issues, Arguments, Unhappiness Together
Are Simply Unmet Needs!
This is why discovering, understanding, and responding to each other’s few vital, core personality
needs is so important in any relationship. They establish the key dynamic that will determine the level
of fulfillment and harmony together, and in each of your lives.
The Inner Enneagram precisely identifies what these few basic, core ego needs are in each of you. It
shows you the wiring of your ego -- what you need in order to thrive in a relationship, as well as
what you are sensitive and fragile about that causes you to contract inside and become upset, argue,
or pull away and shut down.
As you read further, you will be surprised by the fundamental insights you gain about your self, your
partner, your kids, and everyone you know. Fortunately, the Enneagram system is easy to learn. It
can provide you both with the self-awareness that is necessary to develop and sustain a successful
relationship.
I recognize that for most people this simple Enneagram system is completely new and could easily
seem pretty foreign to learn. And also, that the revelations that it unveils are unfamiliar in our
cultural understanding of couple’s relationships. It is not generally recognized that each of you have
two or three contextual ego needs at the core of your personality that express who you are and
determine your central well-being. Or know that these few fundamental ego needs are vital to your
well-being precisely because they connect you to your essential nature, to the fullness within your inner
being. Nor is it recognized that the success of the intimacy and fulfillment in the relationship is
completely dependent on how well each of you responds to the other’s core ego needs together in
life.
Partners who make each other’s ego needs as important as their own are the ones who easily thrive.
This fulfillment together enables them to sustain the original loving feelings and innocence that each
felt from the beginning, and ensure a successful couples’ relationship. Those that do not recognize or
make their partner’s emotional needs as important as their own, they tend to have a rocky road.
Surprisingly, we are not usually drawn to a mate who is the same Enneagram personality type, or
has the same fundamental ego needs as we do. That is because we are attracted to someone who has
natural gifts and qualities in their personality different from ours. Our partner’s essential nature
offers virtues and qualities that complement us, and expand us. This makes each of us more
interesting, and more vital, to the other.
However, this also becomes the source of the problems you face in your relationship. Having
different core ego needs means that what fundamentally matters to you, what connects you to inner
peace and fulfillment, can be completely different than what your partner needs. Since your partner
does not have your personality needs, and has never had those core needs, he or she may not ever
think to respond to them. Those needs are just not important to him or her. It never really crosses
their mind. No matter how many times you tell them.
Also, if the few things that really matter to you emotionally in a relationship, your partner has never
needed in themselves, that typically means he or she never needed to develop those skills in their
personality growing up. As a result, your partner might not be very effective in what you would
simply take for granted or naturally expect from him or her in the relationship.
This is the biggest source of confusion, and conflict, in a relationship. You wonder, Why doesn’t he do
what I am asking him to do? But, then, he is probably feeling the same about you -- why don’t you just
relax. And why can’t you understand and respond to what he needs, what he values, in his world?
Just like you, he wonders at times, Why does she need that? Why is that such a big deal? Or, Why doesn’t
she do that for me? Why can’t she do what I ask! Why is she so . . . ? Why doesn’t she understand that . . . ?
Remember, people’s individual ego needs feel so natural to them precisely because they are so
necessary to their well-being. That is why each of you becomes so righteous around what you want
and expect from the other. You are wondering, “How could something that is so obvious, that makes
things so much better, not be right? As a result, each of you thinks that “my” way of doing things is
superior, or is what is best. You wonder, “Why don’t you get it? Don’t you have a need for a clean
kitchen?” I guess not if you and your partner are arguing. Or if your needs are not being met in this
relationship.
These underlying core ego needs are so basic to who the person is, they in turn, frame the person’s
entire world. That is why everything people do makes complete sense to them. It is also why your
world does not make sense to others when it conflicts with theirs.
Fulfilling these ego needs not only makes the person feel good. They are so fundamental to who the
person is, it feels like the ego’s very survival depends on meeting these personality needs. That is
why people will fight for them, and even become so enraged when they are not met. Like fighting
over water left on the kitchen counter. The natural will to thrive in life, to survive, is so strong in all of
us. As you will see, there is nothing more important, and as sensitive, than having one’s core ego
needs fulfilled.
For there is nothing more terrifying for all of us than an ego death when those needs are continually
unmet. Whenever people feel completely empty, they come unglued, and start to fall apart. That is
why couples argue and fight, or shut their hearts down. Fundamentally, it is in order to survive.
So no wonder everyone simply takes their needs -- what really matters to them -- for granted as
“reality.” Of course they are righteous in what they expect. In their world they are right! And,
equally true, whenever your world conflicts with theirs, yours is wrong! How surprising it will be
for people to discover that their personality’s core needs are “real” -- life and death -- only to those
who have the same Enneagram types.
With this new awareness from the Inner Enneagram, we now recognize the existence of valid, core
emotional needs that are different for different people. With this awareness and understanding of
the legitimacy of each person’s ego needs, we come to realize now that both persons’ core needs matter
for the success of this relationship. It is not only one-way, where your needs are always superior.
Nor are your partner’s ego needs. After all, you want your partner to respond to what is important
to you. But then, what about his or her core needs!
This becomes even more sticky and difficult when your core needs directly conflict with each other.
Oh-oh. He wants this, you want that. Who now is right? What is so logical in your world, given your
insecurities, do not make sense or matter in your partner’s world. So whose needs dominate?
Regardless, when either of your natural ego needs are thwarted, that person will start becoming
disgruntled and upset. Typically, this is when you start to argue, or pull away and shut down in
your heart. So in the big picture, who wins? Who loses? The relationship subtly starts to erode.
This is the unfortunate destiny for most relationships -- those 70% who have pulled away
emotionally in their marriage. It is a set up that no one ever expects or bargains for. Right from the
beginning of the marriage, inadvertently, you start off as adversaries. Each of you enters the
relationship thinking that your world is reality, and your ego needs are natural. In order to thrive,
each of you are expected to stand up for your needs in the relationship. There is no shared, clear
understanding of what these few, underlying ego needs are in each other, nor that they are
fundamentally different. Nor is there a commitment to make your partner’s needs as important as
your own given how irrational the other person’s world is. You end up having to fight for your
needs in order to personally survive. And, overtime, maybe 70% lose the intimacy in the relationship
in the process.
How could it be any other way? What you need in order to thrive is so natural to you, but your
partner somehow does not seem to get it, nor at times seems to want to get it! And from your
partner’s side, you do not seem to understand the importance of his or her core ego needs. Over
time, this is what wears a couple out. They have to start to close their hearts down, for their wellbeing is at stake. That is how much it can hurt. Until they reach the end of their rope.
In a typical marriage, couples learn to adapt around conflicting needs. For the 70%, this is the school
of hard knocks. Because these ego needs stem from deep-seated insecurities, when they are not met
they tend to unleash incredible emotional tensions. People get upset and fight for their needs. Their
feelings become wounded, which leaves scars. So even though they may adapt, it takes its toll on the
closeness and innocence they once felt together.
This is why the Inner Enneagram system is so useful. You can save yourselves much wasted effort,
lugubrious and painfully laborious interactions, turbulent times, wounded egos, and heartache by
gaining these shared awareness together.
After learning you and your partner’s specific Enneagram types, you each will be able to say, “Before,
I did not understand your fundamental needs. I did not get why some of the things we would argue about were
such a big deal. Nor why you always needed that! It simply did not make sense to me. Now I do.”
If this relationship is to be successful, you each need to fully understand the other’s world and make
your partner’s needs fundamentally as important and honored as your own. This fulfillment
together enables you both to sustain the original loving feelings and innocence that each felt from the
beginning, and ensure a successful couples relationship.
Protecting Each Other from the Pressures in Your Personality
That Undermine Your Relationship Together
The second significance of the Inner Enneagram is that it shows how each of you unwittingly creates
tension in your relationship that is distancing to the other. Most people seem to have very little to no
self-awareness of the pressures and tensions in their personality, and how they affect others. Again,
how could they? Everything they do feels so natural in their world. That is why it is so easy for
everyone to always justify what they do, or why they react the way they do. It is they who wonder,
Why are you responding to me that way? Or, Why are you doing that to me? What’s wrong with you!
However, here is the rub in your life. As long as you remain unconscious of these underlying
tensions in your personality, and how they distance people, how are you ever going to change? If
your world is what is “normal” (to you), so it is always everyone else’s fault, what would enable you
to ever change? Or grow?
Fortunately, the Enneagram gives each of you the opportunity to step out of your narrow world, your
ego, and see yourselves objectively, just as others see you. The Inner Enneagram shows you precisely
where the inherent pressures deep inside of you, how those patterns show up in your personality,
and how those tensions affect other personality types (and cause the problems you experience in your
relationships).
This shared self-awareness together is vital as it puts right on the table for you both to see, what the
underlying pressures are that are distancing each other. So both of you readily can recognize them in
your selves, and within each other. There is no acting them out onto others freely and unconsciously
any longer. This shared awareness empowers each of you to better manage your inner tensions more
effectively -- within yourself, with your partner, with your children, and in your career.
Imagine what it would be like if each of you had the self-awareness to recognize when tensions
emerge in your personality, own them completely, and take immediately responsibility for them.
Instead of becoming righteous and blaming others, or shutting down, or becoming a victim, you are
able to recognize the underlying insecurities as they are triggered, own them, and protect your
partner and others (including yourself) from the tensions they generate. This awareness, along with
safe tools and frameworks you can learn together, will enable each of you to process the pressures
you are feeling safely to resolution together. With no blame or criticism.
On the other side of the coin, what if your partner does not see, nor is open to seeing, how the
pressures in his or her personality are affecting you? Or the kids? Or worse, imagine the “partner
from hell” who freely and unconsciously acts out his or her insecurities onto others, which everyone
has to put up with. Partners like that typically have no clue when they are “over-the-top.” Nor do
they freely recognize that the source of those tensions come from their own insecurities inside of
themselves.
It is important to remember, however, that it takes two to tango in a conflict. You readily can see
when your partner is out-of-balance. However, what would your upset partner say about you, and
how you trigger or contribute to the tensions that he or she is experiencing? From your partner’s
point of view, he or she might say that it is your insensitivity in what you do that is “pushing his or
her buttons” and causing tension in the relationship! So, like you, your partner probably feels like he
or she is living with someone who is in complete denial! However, let’s face it -- we all are. How
could we not be?
Certainly, you both have tried to point out the tensions in each other’s personality. Does your
partner get it? And does your partner think that you get it? And I imagine you both take it
personally as an attack. Without the Enneagram, it can be difficult for people to step out of their
world, their ego, and truly see it. The criticism from their bosses, friends, or family members just
does not make sense to them in their world. Why would it?
Because these pressures are generated from underlying, mostly unconscious, and very sensitive
insecurities, people can easily become defensive. Or they become offensive back, and start accusing
you for what they have to put up with. Does this angry “feedback” or “coaching” ever really sink in
when they blame you? Do your accusations register in them when you point out their faults? What
does tend to register instead is the erosion of good will and loving innocence together over time.
Of course, when each of you is unable (or unwilling) to see how you are distancing the other, this
leads you down a slippery slope. To protect your selves, you each start putting up walls around your
hearts, and pulling away. After all, how can people keep their hearts open when someone is being
insensitive and a jerk? When there is no self-awareness of when either of you are over-the-top , or of
the underlying insecurities that drive those distorted attitudes or behaviors, then you have to put up
walls and protect your selves to avoid being run over or hurt.
What a pickle! You each end up blaming the other! So, again, who is right, who is wrong?
Without these awarenesses, how could you expect it to be any different? More importantly, where
would people be expected to gain this self-awareness -- of them self or of others? This is not
something people are taught growing up -- in elementary school, or high school, or college, or even in
psychology or therapy graduate school. People tend to fall back on the primitive responses that
literally enabled them to survive growing up.
That is the second reason why the Inner Enneagram as a tool for self-awareness is so important in a
relationship. It makes self-evident the pressures in each other’s personality so that you both are more
conscious, and understanding and empathetic of each other, when those tensions emerge. This
enables you to manage them together as team more effectively, without all of the blame or
accusations. It sure makes it more harmonious and easier to get along with each of you!
How You Communicate Your Tensions & Needs
Tends to Determine How Your Partner Responds to Your Needs
As long as there is separation from our inner self, there will be areas of emptiness and insecurity deep
inside all of us. Those are not peaceful areas inside of us! They are very scary. And sensitive. Even
when they are slightly triggered, we become frustrated and upset. Of course, it is usually our partner
who triggers them. So naturally we blame or become critical of him or her.
That is because when you are in love with someone, you open your heart and become more
vulnerable in the relationship. Your emotional needs naturally emerge. Being vulnerable, however,
also means being “hurt-able.” The more you depend on him or her, the more easily you can be hurt,
and disappointed. That is why when those core needs are disregarded or dishonored, you become so
frustrated and hurt. Or pull away.
The same is true with your partner, who has a different set of sensitivities, needs, and dependencies.
When you are not responsive, it is frustrating for your partner as well. Of course, you can readily tell
when your partner becomes upset at you. For most couples, you can tell by how your partner treats
you. Partners tend to express their upset feelings directly, or passively, that you screwed up and
there is something wrong with you. On the receiving end, most people in that situation immediately
become defensive and justify themselves. Or attack back. Or just shut down to protect them selves.
Can you see how sensitive everyone is? Your partner, for being so upset when his or her needs are
not responded to, and your sensitivity to feeling blamed or criticized for simply being yourself. How
crazy is that? Or rather, how human that is.
Imagine the same interaction, however, without the tension. Let’s say a difference in each other’s
needs has emerged in your relationship. Your partner points it out in a manner that shows
understanding, sensitivity, fairness in expressing what he or she would like to see happen. You both
discuss it as a team together, easily coming to a solution that works for both of you. That is how most
differences are dealt with in your relationship, isn’t it?
However, when you trigger those deep-seated insecurities inside, those sensitive areas where each of
you are disconnected from your selves, you unleash incredibly powerful tensions inside. That is why
you can become so mad. Or defensive. And it is when you trigger these inner tensions and pressures
in each other that then make the process of resolving it together so difficult and turbulent. Each tends
to feel blamed or made wrong. Fortunately, you can learn together simple yet powerful tools that
will enable you to work through differences, tensions, and charged issues safely as a team.
Without these awarenesses and skills, however, any blaming or criticizing certainly makes it much
harder for you (or your partner) to want to respond to what your partner is needing, doesn’t it? It
certainly causes you to contract in your heart to protect yourself. So now it becomes hard to feel
compassion for what your partner is going through, or care as much about what he or she wants or
needs.
You are losing your good will, the vital currency of love and caring in a relationship. The blame and
defensiveness tends to damper the good will needed to be flexible or want to respond to each other’s
needs. “If you are going to respond that way, now I don’t feel like doing what you want” is how people tend
to feel.
When these are the natural reactions, no wonder each of you is not feeling heard. Or that your needs
are responded to with consistency or caring. Where is the team? Where is the respect and shared
understanding?
If we really want something to be responded to, cared about, and honored, then it becomes essential
that we develop the awareness and communication skills that enable us to express those needs in
heartfelt ways. Even when we are upset! In this way, our partner understands, keeps his or her heart
open and responds empathetically. Most all of us need to develop these skills so we express our
frustrated feelings, not in blame, but in sensitive frameworks that enable us to open up and care
about what each other goes through in that situation. And then the skills to solve it so that it does not
keep happening.
The basis of this, however, is fully understanding each other’s world. When we understand and can
feel the vulnerable insecurities, emotional needs, and inner pressures that give rise to our natural
differences, then no one needs to be wrong. There is no reason for shame. The only reason we shame
someone is because we do not understand or able to feel what the person goes through deep inside.
We both fully realize and respect that we are simply different in what drives us, and in what each of
us is so sensitive to experiencing and needing inside. This enables us to solve the differences with
good will.
So now there is no one to blame. Blaming is a trap. It is a deflection. When we are upset, we focus
our attention onto our partner to avoid exposing the insecurities deep inside of us that have been
triggered. In that way, we avoid feeling vulnerable (hurt-able), given how incredibly fragile we are
inside at our core right then.
Interestingly, although it feels real that we are mad at someone, it is all really happening within our
own self. Whatever the situation, it has put us in touch with places inside ourselves that are
intolerable and scary to feel. Areas of emptiness where there is no peace, no self. It is those empty
places deep inside that drive our desperate ego needs to fill them. When those ego needs are thwarted
or not met, of course those turbulent areas inside are triggered. Ouch!
In this new orientation with these new awarenesses, both of you will be able to readily recognize
these underlying dynamics together. Then with the simple communication tools we will outline here,
you can learn to share those needs in heartfelt ways, so both of you feel heard and honored in the
process. As a result, the precious good will, caring, and love are maintained. That is the basis that
enables each of you to make the necessary adjustments that will resolve sensitive and charged issues
together. This also enables each of you to truly grow from the experience -- within your self and in
your relationship together.
Without Self-Awareness of the Pressures in Your Personality,
How Will Each of You Ever Grow as a Person?
And How Will You Ever Heal the Source of those Pressures?
Not only are people usually unconscious of the pressures in their ego and how they affect others,
they are usually unaware of the insecurities in their personality that drive those tensions and their
emotional reactions. Everyone has insecurities in his or her personality. However, as long as people
have no clue of them, how could they free themselves or ever heal them?
What a dilemma. Look at it from your partner’s point of view. When he or she is upset at you, isn’t
it true that your partner sees you as the source of the tension he or she is experiencing? After all, it
can feel like you are the cause of his or her tension. To your partner, your deficiencies and insecurities
are clear as day. He or she wonders how come you do not see them! However, when you are upset,
don’t you do the same thing in blaming your partner? Aren’t you both really in the same boat?
And when you are blamed, do you recognize and own the insecurities in your personality that got
you in this mess? Or do you become defensive, or go on the offensive to protect yourself? What are
you protecting inside anyway?
It is amazing how our brains are wired to protect us against feeling the deep-rooted, emotionallycharged insecurities and inadequacies that we carry inside our personalities. These survival
mechanisms serve to protect us from these sensitive and fragile feelings at all costs! And at times, no
matter what the consequences, as it seems some people can never be wrong -- when they blame or
defend. Or be criticized. Or open up and be vulnerable.
Even when people’s tensions rise up inside to a level where they are upset, they can lack any
understanding that their anger, anxieties, and hurt feelings stem from sensitivities and insecurities
inside. These insecurities drive their emotional needs, and what people want and desperately need
feels so very natural in their world. That is why they are so righteous when they are upset. And, too,
when their delicate world is threatened, their emotional reaction also feels so very natural as well
(given their ego needs). So of course, whenever the person’s world is upset, it is someone’s fault.
Why would it feel like it is their fault or that their reaction comes from any insecurity?
Where would they have ever learned of these insecurities within them selves. Growing up, exposing
any insecurity, that is how you would get hurt -- at home, at school, in life. So how would people
become familiar with whatever insecurities are down there?
As long as people can blame others, they never have to engage in those unresolved, fragile areas
within themselves. At the same time, lacking this self-awareness is why people do not seem to
resolve their underlying insecurities, or ever change much -- in their marriage, or over the span of
their life. As a result, partners stay stuck, prisoners of their pain inside.
Not only do they stay stuck, but when it is always everyone else’s fault, that means people who are
the brunt of their blame have to distance themselves, protect themselves, in the relationship. Living
or working with such a person, you have to put up walls or become thick skinned to put up with all
of the blame. Or course, those walls are going up around your heart, and overtime erode the
emotional intimacy, innocence, and love in your relationship.
The third value of the Inner Enneagram is that it pinpoints precisely inside your personality where
the source of these pressures are. You will discover where you specifically have become separated
from your inner self. And where your partner has as well.
This is important to realize, for these empty places inside are the source of most all of people’s
psychological suffering and their upsets in their lives. They are precisely the places where there is no
Self. Whenever people are in turmoil, it is because those areas have been inflamed, which further
distance them from their natural peace inside the core of their being. Of course, the greater the inner
tension, agitation and turmoil, the more separate people will feel from their pure, natural selves.
And, thus, the more unhappy and unfulfilled they become.
We all experience this separation very clearly every time we become angry or upset. When any of us
are mad, how much presence of mind do we have right then? What happened to our natural, inner
peace? Where is our innocent and unconditional love that is our pure nature? How did we loose our
innate ability to be rational and wise? When agitated, all of those natural qualities of our being and
essential nature become disturbed.
For most people, even when they are not necessarily triggered by anything, they can feel the
unrelenting pressure coming from deep inside these unresolved emotional wounds and insecurities.
This churning is what drives us to overeat, smoke cigarettes, drink alcohol, take drugs, overwork, actout aggressively or sexually, become worried or depressed, and use co-dependent relationships to
anesthetize the unhealed pain. So when people tap their fingers, talk incessantly, chew their nails,
can't go to sleep or sleep soundly, they are simply expressing this internal, unresolved pressure that
overshadows their pure nature.
Having self-awareness of where you are disconnected inside your self is huge. Not having this
awareness leaves you a prisoner of your churning inside, a victim of your unhealthy habits. With this
shared awareness, instead of projecting your underlying insecurities onto your partner, you are now
intimately familiar with what they are, and where they are coming from within your self. They enable
you to learn together to process them safely to resolution instead of acting them out or righteously
blaming your insecurities onto others.
The frameworks we will be outlining in s to follow are designed to provide the safety for each of you
to begin to free yourselves of these insecurities and their binding hold on you. These insecurities
make each of you small. You live your life stuck in your narrow, bound ego, separate from your
natural self.
With these new awarenesses and safe tools, any conflict now becomes an opportunity to actually heal
the underlying insecurities together. Freeing your self, instead of being at the affect of them, or
senselessly arguing or justifying them. This is the focus of the Spiritual Enneagram we will be
covering -- becoming a liberated, whole, spiritual being.
These awarenesses and tools will add an incredible dimension to your relationship. Your marriage
becomes more than just a way to make each other feel good. Together, your relationship now also
becomes the primary vehicle for your growth and healing as a human being, and as a spiritual being.
You increasingly find yourselves freer of your inner pressures. As you become more connected to
your natural, secure selves at the core of your being. What a gift this is.
Gaining Awareness & Appreciating the Natural Gifts
That Each of You Express in Life
Lastly, this orientation focuses the marriage on the importance of making lively your love and
appreciation of each other in this relationship. The Inner Enneagram enhances this precious
connection in each other’s awareness together.
When you love someone, it is natural to freely express your appreciation of each other. The reason
you married your partner is because of the wonderful qualities of his or her essential nature. That is
the real person you are marrying in your mind: “That’s the person I fell in love with.” Those are the
very gifts and qualities that drew you together. You recognize them intuitively in each other’s
personality.
However, it is important to have a clear understanding of what those natural, extraordinary qualities
are that make up each other’s nature. This clarity enables you to more fully attune to, connect to and
express your appreciation for that person’s nature. Everyone becomes enlivened when their nature is
honored and valued. This is important not only in your relationship together, but also in your
relationship with your children, your loved ones, and most importantly within your self.
The focus on the Spiritual Enneagram is on your natural essence -- what essential quality of being you
express into life. Every person is born with natural, pure, inherent qualities. At their source these
qualities of consciousness are unconditional, like unbounded Peace, or unconditional Love, or pure
Intelligence. The Spiritual Enneagram simply identifies precisely the specific combination of natural
essences of being that make up who you are in your essential nature. It is those qualities that
generate your personality. Who you are in your personality is an expression of those essential
qualities of life.
It is also these very essential qualities that you love about each other. When you freely connect to
what is precious in each other, your hearts open in love and appreciation of each other’s essential
nature. In expressing that appreciation and sharing in that love together, you nourish each other’s
soul, each other’s connection to selves, and deepen the fabric of your relationship together.
On the other side of the coin, a relationship where everything else is more important -- where who
you are and what you uniquely offer are not freely appreciated and valued -- that is a path to
emotional distance together. The all-so-human heart has to protect itself, and puts up walls to do so.
Which is the path to emptiness -- together and within your selves.
This appreciative awareness is important for all of your relationships to flourish. And it is important
in governing all of your experiences with people. Seeing the good in everyone and freely
acknowledging it is meaningful and nourishing for everyone you come across. People blossom when
they are enlivened in their nature. When you do not recognize people’s gifts, it is only when you get
caught up in your ego, seeing everyone from the prism of your narrow needs and insecurities. Of
course, it is human to do so. Those pressures inside of you tend to overshadow your natural
appreciation of what is inherently valuable in each person.
That is why it is so important to have a clear understanding of each other’s world. Not only to
actively acknowledge people natural gifts, but also to appreciate their struggle in their world to
reunite themselves to their very nature. Being separate from self is quite challenging for everyone. It
generates incredible pressures in everyone’s personality. The more clearly you recognize someone’s
inner nature, and understand the pressures they confront in themselves, the more you will naturally
empathize, value, and appreciate who they are. Certainly, you want others to value and appreciate
you, and who you are. Even with all of the insecurities and pressures in your personality.
The Spiritual Enneagram postulates that “who you are” is not your personality, just as “who you are”
is not your body. You have a body, and your body reflects who you are, but You are more than your
body. You have an ego, and your ego also expresses who you are, but who You are is more than your
ego. And just as your body has some dents, some areas of weakness and distortion in its natural
optimum functioning, so too does your ego. But who You are transcends those insecurities, those
distortions. That is why you are loveable even if you have a bum knee in your body. Or in your
personality you have a fear of loneliness.
Having this dual awareness of people’s true inner nature and the challenges in their personality is
important. It enables us to nurture in their awareness what is pure and wonderful in them and at the
same time, understand, and empathize with their challenges and struggles in their ego. The Spiritual
Enneagram’s focus on each person’s innate gifts gives us that awareness to attune to and appreciate -with everyone we meet and within our selves.
It is one thing, however, to have this awareness and appreciation with everyone you meet. It is
another to have this awareness and appreciation with your own self. Understanding your nature,
more of who you really are, is important for your own growth and nurturance of your inner self. The
more you feel disconnected from your self inside, the more confused, disoriented, bewildered,
disquieted, anxious, empty, un-worthwhile as a person, powerless, at the effect of life, you feel inside.
You feel untethered, like everything is happening to you, or at you. At those times, there is no sense
of the intimate connection to life that you naturally have when you are feeling centered and on “top
of your game.”
The clearer you are of you who You are, of your deepest core Self, and of these inner pressures and
dynamics that are revealed with the Spiritual Enneagram, the stronger and more intimate the
connection you will have with your inner Self. Gaining this self-awareness, becoming sophisticated
in this awareness, helps to guide you in your life, nurture you, and ground you in your being.
Strengthening this connection with your essential nature at the core of your being is important in
your evolution of consciousness as a spiritual being. And it is a grace. . . . .
........
Chapter 13
THIS CONSCIOUS COUPLES ORIENTATION
SPRINGS NEW PARADIGM SHIFTS IN
HOW WE DEAL WITH CONFLICT
This new wisdom based on the Spiritual and Inner Enneagram generates a revolutionary shift in how
we approach and process our issues together in our relationship. The more sophistication of
awareness each of us has, the more rooted we are within our secure Self inside, and the less identified
and attached we are to our ego, its insecurities, and its filtered world of reality. This distance makes
all the difference. It enables us to see the insecurities in our ego more objectively. And this
awareness securely anchors us inside so we can recognize our imbalances, even as tensions rise in our
behaviors and attitudes, own them, protect others from the inner emotional pressure and turbulence
that is driving them, and process them to resolution.
People without this awareness, who are unconscious of their underlying insecurities and wounds,
tend to respond reflexively to anything that triggers them. When they become upset, they typically
are unconscious that the source of their emotional reactions and tensions are coming from within
themselves. That is because primitive mechanisms in the brain take over to protect against pain by
focusing their attention outside of themselves on what is upsetting them. Survival is based on
identifying “what is wrong” out there that is causing their distress.
That is why it seems so self-evident to them, “If you wouldn’t do that, I would not be upset. You’re the one
with the problem that you do that!” At least that is how it feels. This is why people become angry or
shut down (fight or flight). Their knee-jerk response is to dominate the enemy or flee in order to
survive. So of course they naturally blame others for their inner pressures and upset feelings. Or
they shut down, and silently blame them.
However, as each partner’s self-awareness increases to understand their underlying insecurities, they
begin to realize that the source of the emotional tension they are experiencing right then is coming
from unresolved, repressed feelings deep inside of them. This rush of feelings and sensitivity
originates from their past, and not from what just happened that triggered them! After all, the
incident does not emotionally trigger those who do not have those wounds and insecurities. For
them, it does not matter or it is just is something to solve. Just ask your partner!
People also tend to be unconscious of the distorting effect their emotional insecurities have on their
world view --- their perceptions, reactions, beliefs and attitudes about themselves, others, and life. Of
course their world feels natural to them. And it all makes sense what they hold to be true and how
they react.
Every person’s ego creates a representation of the world, a filtered reality that is based on what
subconsciously gives them pleasure and what generates inner fears and pain. It is these emotional
anchors that generate each partner’s strong personal beliefs and attitudes -- about life, people, events,
money, closeness, intimacy and sex, work and responsibility, order, morals, values, and in their
beliefs about differences in gender, race, sexual orientation, religion, politics.
“We don’t see things as they are. We see things as we are.”
Anaïs Nin
The tremendous value of the Spiritual and Inner Enneagram is that they objectively lay out for each
person the nature of their insecurities and how they filter and distort their reality. This approach to the
Enneagram identifies the inner forces that underlie and determine people’s expectations, belief
systems, and attitudes in relation to life. Each of the nine profiles outlines the pattern of distortions
that can show up in that personality and the underlying insecurities that drive them. Without this
self-awareness, certainly people will tend to believe that their orientation and reactions are “right”
and that their interpretation of their experiences are “real.”
“We can only see what our brain’s filter allows through.”
Dr. Eben Alexander, Proof of Heaven: A Neurosurgeon's Journey into the Afterlife
However, discovering our personal biases in our ego and the underlying insecurities that form and
drive them does not mean our individual beliefs are necessary wrong. It is not a question of right or
wrong. Our beliefs are just our individual take on life, given our level of personal evolution. That’s
all. They can have little to do with what is Real, or what Is Reality when viewed from the highest
levels of the spiritual world looking down at the grosser levels of manifestation. The vast literature
now of those who have had near-death experiences (NDE) attest to that!
“That part of my brain was down, and out. And yet despite all of this,
I had been alive, and aware, truly aware, in a universe characterized
above all by Love, Consciousness, and Reality. There was, for me,
simply no arguing this fact. I knew it so completely that I ached.”
Nevertheless, the more identified, attached, and righteous we are in our beliefs, the more that simply
indicates that those beliefs essentially serve to protect us and our fragile inner world. When people
vigorously or angrily defend their beliefs it is because those very beliefs defend them (from their
mostly unconscious insecurities!). The more fanatical or fantastical the belief, the more agitation deep
inside that generates it and that is serves to protect or justify.
In a relationship, it is natural that the partners’ beliefs and attitudes will clash at times. But when
they conflict, notice that it only generates tensions when those attitudes, needs, or behaviors that
disagree are anchored in insecurities inside. These are places deep inside of “no-Self” where that
scary sense of Emptiness is at the core of one’s personality.
Otherwise, if there was no insecurity, there is no tension inflamed from differences of opinion. That
particular belief is like many beliefs -- it is just a thought about reality that one has. For, ultimately,
what do either of you really know? It is just a belief that fits your experience in your world.
When beliefs are just beliefs, it means that person is not emotionally attached to the belief. There is
no identification that the belief or attitude reflects who “I” am. It is not personal. So it is not a
sensitive issue. And so what if they differ? But when your attitudes or beliefs really do matter to you
(and that is when they become arguments), it is because they are expressions of unresolved emotional
fears, pain, and frustrations deep inside that become the basis for your well-being in your ego.
The more self-awareness you have of the inner dynamics in your world, the more you are able to
experience life as it Is, without the ego filtered reality. You become more anchored in the absolute
Observer, your pure Self, who witnesses the marvel of Life as it unfolds. Then whenever your ego
becomes triggered and your personality reacts, You, the Observer, are not overshadowed. You will
find that the more you are anchored in self-awareness, the more you will be able recognize and own
the emotional underpinnings that frame your cognitive orientation to life and your ego needs.
In couples relationship together, having more self-awareness of their inner world is what makes all
the difference. It will show up in how sophisticated the partners are in recognizing their underlying
patterns. These are the lines of force in their personality that are generated from their essential nature
and gifts, as well as from their needs, their underlying insecurities, and the emotional wounds that
drive them.
This increased awareness will also show up in how well they respond to each other’s core ego needs,
and in how well they understand and are respectful of their partner’s world of sensitivities and
insecurities. And it is this self-awareness that can provide the basis for how harmoniously they deal
with conflict together.
There is an integrity, a nobleness of awareness, and natural humility reflected when you can
recognize that your beliefs, attitudes, reactions, and needs are not the absolute “Truth.” It comes
from intuitively knowing that everyone’s orientation is “true” in their filtered world, based on their
individual gifts and insecurities. Just as yours feels true.
“What may appear as the truth to one person will often appear as untruth
to another person. But that need not worry the seeker. Where there is
honest effort, it will be realized that what appeared to be different truths
are like the countless and apparently different leaves of the same tree.”
Gandhi
This enables an innocence in how you approach each other. Not having this shared awareness,
however, can be a recipe for unnecessary friction, emptiness, and eventual emotional distance
together.
The Natural Resistance to Recognizing, Owning, &
Resolving Together Your Imbalances & Insecurities
When partners trigger tensions and upset feelings together or when their views clash, most people
lack this self-awareness that the source of their tensions lies inside of themselves. Without this
awareness, they instead tend to go on the offensive, or respond defensively, in order to protect those
insecurities that drive those feelings. And without the inner security that having these awarenesses
generate, partners can be reluctant to open up right then inside themselves and be able to own and
process those underlying sensitive areas in their personality that were emotionally inflamed.
Normally, when most couples are triggered or upset, the natural wiring is to focus outside of
themselves -- to identify “what is wrong” that is causing their distress. It seems so self-evident to
them, “If you wouldn’t do that, I would not be upset. You’re the one with the problem that you do that!” At
least, that is how it feels.
However, as each partner’s self-awareness increases to understand their underlying insecurities, they
begin to realize that the real source of the emotional tension they are experiencing right then is
coming from unresolved, repressed feelings deep inside of them from their past, and not from what
just happened that triggered them!
This is very difficult to realize in the midst of an unstructured upset, as the uprush of the agitated
feelings tend to overshadow one’s wise Self. As such, the primitive survival mechanisms in the brain
will naturally take over to protect and distance the inner and outer threat. This is why people
become angry or shut down (fight or flight). Their knee-jerk response is to combat (or survive) the
enemy in their fight to survive.
This is the value of discovering and processing those areas of insecurity within each partner when they
conflict. Both partners usually need to do so when their insecurities clash -- the aggressor who has
frustrated needs and the partner who feels resistance or has a strong countering need. Typically they
each need to step up and recognize their part in it. For they both can be equally gripped by contrary
insecurities or inner pressures -- that is the conflict. And those inner sensitivities will need to surface
in order to resolve the issue and what triggered it. After all, if either of you did not have contrary ego
pressures and sensitivities, there would not have been the upset. Instead, there would be the normal
flexibility and innocent good-will on both sides to respond accordingly.
Without the inner security of self-awareness that enables them to face these sensitive areas, partners
naturally avoid going inward whenever their insecurities are inflamed. It is safer to keep their
awareness external by blaming and steering the focus onto others who triggered them. However, if
they always focus their criticism and blame onto everyone else, or righteously hold on to their selfserving beliefs, expectations and attitudes, how are they ever going to heal the underlying
insecurities that drive them? How will they ever become more whole -- emotionally or spiritually?
It is natural to protect against pain. What can make it even more difficult is people avoiding opening
up inside due to the conditioning of shame. John Bradshaw, the popular 12-Step speaker and writer
in the 1990’s, wrote a best seller, Healing the Shame That Binds You. For Bradshaw, the key to recovery
was resolving shame. It was shame that kept people stuck in denial.
Actually, the key to freedom is “Healing the Pain that Binds You.” It is emotional pain and distress
that binds consciousness and overshadows your true Self. After all, the more upset you are, the more
distant you are from the natural qualities of your Self -- Peace, inner Wisdom, and unconditional
Love. To become whole, people need to purify consciousness of inner pain and distress. Shame,
however, is what can inhibit your ability to face within yourself your unresolved inner pain. And it
is this repressed Pain deep inside that makes you insecure.
Shame can keep people from acknowledging their insecurities or opening up with their partner to
exposing their pain. Can you blame them? Who wants to feel ashamed, particularly in such a
sensitive moment during a conflict? With all of the social mores, most children learn growing up that
having sensitive, vulnerable feelings is a sign of weakness and insecurity. From infancy on up,
children can internalize all-powerful strictures and taboos from parents, brothers and sisters, school
mates, teachers that it is not appropriate to become vulnerable and show weakness. Or show your
pain. Otherwise, there is something “wrong” with you.
What anchors this primal shame is the dreaded fear that your insecurities somehow make you less
loveable. That was the frightful experience, introjections that were imprinted in many children:
“You’re not loveable if you are insecure.” That means they can become exiled from their most vital lifeline -- love and security. That then results in being all alone in that scary, empty place inside. For a
child that can be terrifying. And it tends to leave a gripping life-long impact, one that is usually
compounded by later experiences, which will affect their relationships as adults.
No wonder then that the imprints of shame can prevent adults from owning their imbalances and
underlying insecurities. It also can make them afraid to open up, expose or experience those
turbulent feelings. In an upset or conflict, instead of naturally processing those inner feelings to
resolution, it is simply safer to focus their attention away from themselves and on to the person who
triggered those sensitive feelings.
This is the conundrum. As long as you (or your partner) feel ashamed of your insecurities or resist
discovering the pressures and distortions that they generate in your personality, the more imprisoned
you are by them. It simply ensures that you and your partner will continue to act them out. Of
course, this is what generates strife and eventual emotional distance in your relationships.
Without this self-awareness, it is important also to realize that if you cannot recognize how your
anxieties, sensitivities, and inner pressures affect others, everyone else has to protect themselves to
some degree around you. It is just like “the boss from hell” -- everyone under his or her power has to
walk on egg shells as he or she is convinced that they are the problem.
However, when others put up walls that distance themselves from you, now it is even harder to get
your essential needs met. Whether couples argue or they walk on egg shells around each other, it
generates tensions in both of them. Their inner frustration, anger, resentment, or the emotional
distance will actually undermine and end up preventing what each really needs from their partner in
order to thrive together.
What to do? If you have no real intention of becoming self-aware and protecting others from your
inner tensions and ego distortions, of course, people will have to distance themselves from you. You
lose, they lose. You are alone. But with your husband or wife, your children, your family members,
people you work with or care about -- what else are they to do?
Unfortunately, when left unprocessed these inner tensions generated from conflicts tend to solidify
deep inside. So as those suppressed uncomfortable feelings accumulate over time, partners can
become more distant, and more and more convinced that their husband or wife is the source of their
problems. (And yes, they both probably feel that way about the other.)
After all, both partners have a part in a conflict. Whether the aggressor or the resister, both the
offensiveness and the defensiveness come from their underlying emotional needs, sensitivities and
insecurities. Instead of blaming the other, each partner needs to be able to discover what is really
going on inside that is being acted out. And be able to humbly own their part in it. Then safely
resolve what is necessary together so it does not keep happening.
This, however, means countering the powerful primitive mechanism to focus your attention outside
of yourself. And instead, when upset each partner is focusing inwardly on what this is really about
deep inside. Why am I so sensitive to this? What are my ego needs and my partner’s core ego needs and the
underlying insecurities that are clashing? Of course, the more inner awareness each of you have, the
more obvious and easier this will become.
In our orientation we use the 90/10 Rule, where 10% of the tension we are experiencing in a conflict
is coming from what happened and 90% of the emotional tension is coming from our inner
insecurities and emotional wounds. When our “90’s” are triggered, we feel an uprush of inner
pressure or upset feelings. The focus right then needs to be on what is my “90”? And for partners
who unwittingly triggered it, what is the pressure or lines of force in their personality (their “90”)
that would make them do what they did? So instead of blaming or justifying in focusing on the “10”
(what happened), each partner goes inward to the original source of the tensions that are rising within
themselves.
From a conscious perspective, the spiritual truth about 90/10, however, is that there is no 10%. From
the spiritual vantage point, in one’s evolution of consciousness, it is all 100%. The 10% is just an
illusion. There is no one out there to blame. It is just Life coming at you. The infinite, innate
Intelligence of Life creates circumstances that purposely move you forward in what is best for your
growth and evolution as a soul. It uses both the expansion of pleasure and success as well as the
triggering of your insecurities to evolve your consciousness.
“It all boils down to this: That all life is interrelated. We are all caught
in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied to a single garment of destiny.”
Martin Luther King
Whatever shows up in each of your lives each moment is what is on your path to experience in your
evolution towards wholeness and enlightenment. There are no accidents in the pure Intelligence that
directs and is embedded in Life. To direct this, the synchronicity of karmic laws create events and
draw in specific people who will function like the postman delivering your mail. The postman is not
important, he is just delivery your mail. To solely focus on him is a deflection.
The more anchored you are in Self, the source of Life, the more you will experience threatening and
challenging events as the benevolence of Life balancing the karmic scales. These events are simply
being used to expand your consciousness, giving you vital and necessary grist and experience in life
that will make your stronger, more sophisticated in your consciousness, and more aware. In your
relationship, what you bring up in each other forces you to confront and engage with inside where
you are not whole.
“Our truest, deepest self is completely free. It is not crippled or compromised
by past actions or concerned with identity or status. It comprehends
that it has no need to fear the earthly world.”
However, the more separate you are from the pure silence and wisdom of Self, the less this will make
sense. The underlying inner agitation that separates you from your Self leaves feeling anchorless,
bounced around by life’s waves. You are left to make sense of it all within an insecure ego cut off
from this inclusive, natural wisdom from Self.
No wonder then that you typically experience challenging events as unfairly “being done to you.”
And that you react accordingly. After all, those feelings are not pleasurable. They are potentially
threatening to the ego’s survival. And that is all the separate ego knows. And that is what guides it
and its responses. This is the natural ignorance of the dislocated small self that thinks it is the center
of the Universe in its desperate search for “sugar” to thrive.
It is especially hard to realize this in the face of rising, griping tensions when people are becoming
upset and their wise Self is overshadowed. That is why learning together safe frameworks and tools
is so vital in dealing with conflict and emotional tension together. The fresh understandings on
conflict and the powerful frameworks and tools that we teach in Volume II of this series serve to
fortify each of you to be able to stay open and conscious in the midst of an upset. They were
designed over years of trial and error to readily move each of you safely inward, where the true
resolution takes place.
This orientation of going inward when partners are emotionally triggered and the tools that enable it
offer a radical paradigm shift for couples in how they deal with conflict and upset emotions. We have
cultural codes of behavior such as politeness, respect, and fair play. But in the face of a conflict or
upset emotions in your relationship, we are not taught the awarenesses necessary or the tools that
make it safe for each partner to go inward together.
For most couples this simply takes education to develop the awareness -- consciousness -- to be able
to do so. The popular culture, however, does not seem to provide as clear and comprehensive an
understanding of the underlying dynamics in each person’s inner world as the Spiritual and Inner
Enneagram. Certainly everyone has put together bits and pieces of insights. But such a far-reaching
understanding of the whole system for each individual seems to be missing. And without these
awarenesses, when people become upset it is natural for the insecure ego to blame others and defend
themselves in a conflict.
Let’s contrast this conscious approach to resolving conflict with how people in our culture tend to
handle upset feelings when they are emotionally triggered. A good example might be in the popular
array of “reality” television shows like The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Survivor, Big Brother, The Amazing
Race, The Real Housewives of... series. How the participants on these shows typically respond to
conflict are simply a microcosm of what it is to be human with inner sensitivities.
Like most people, the participants usually do not see the distortions in their ego needs, expectations,
reactions, attitudes and beliefs. And when their ego needs are not met or when their sensitivities are
triggered, they, like most everyone, tend to blame and attack others, or they pull away and defend
themselves. In doing so, they naturally avoid opening up to what is so sensitive, needy, insecure or
wounded within themselves. And as you can see on the shows, it can be a rough, turbulent way to
go through conflict.
On the television reality shows when participants freely act out their inner pressures or blame their
insecurities onto others, it certainly breaks down their relationships together quickly. Doing this in a
marriage with your partner tends to have lasting consequences that eventually break down the trust
and intimacy further down the road.
If you want to sustain intimacy and harmony in your marriage, and within your family, then it
becomes important for each of you to discover your triggers, imbalances, distortions, and insecurities
in your ego together. Not to make yourself “wrong,” but to make yourself healthy.
And then learning together how to naturally go inward when emotionally triggered and safely process
the underlying insecurities to peace inside yourselves. Effective tools and frameworks will establish
harmony and sanctify the process. This is how you each will grow in your love together. And this is
how you grow to wholeness and holiness together.
Self-Awareness Strengthens Your Self, Takes Away Shame
& Enables Each of You to Recognize & Work on Your Issues Together
Many, if not most, of the important differences that you confront together in your relationship do not
emotionally trigger you. You do not take them personally, nor do they generate shame in you. In
those cases, whatever problem or challenge showed up, it did not stir unresolved emotions deep
inside. And therefore it was not something that you were so attached to nor identified with as “who
you are.” The issue is just another problem in life to be solved together.
Having this distance is the key. You already have this natural distance within yourself with health
issues that you face with your body, even with difficult health problems. For example, people don’t
identify their sense of self with having asthma or arthritis. It is just a problem they have to deal with,
however difficult. But people do tend to identify with their emotional wounds and insecurities, as
those are closer to home. Nevertheless, those insecurities are not who You are!
When there is not an insecurity, there is not the personal identification, nor is there shame involved.
It just Is what it Is. That is why enlightened saints and those who are secure in their Self can humbly
acknowledge their shortcomings when they show up. For them, there is no shame in being human.
The imbalances in the ego are simply wiring that needs to be recognized and resolved. Chop wood
and carry water.
What enables you to embrace your imbalances and your potentially turbulent insecurities is your
connection to the security of Self. Your eternal Self is your inborn anchor. This is what naturally
grounds you, strengthens you, makes you solid inside. It is this connection inside that gives you the
foundation to work with your shadow. It enables you to embrace emotional sensitivities when they
emerge and process them to resolution.
The more self-awareness each of you have, the stronger your sense of Self. The more conscious you
are, the more conscious You are as your pure Self. In expanding your understandings and awareness,
you are strengthening You, the Observer, your inner presence, in becoming more rooted in your Self.
This Awareness, this inner presence inside, becomes your natural beacon that you attune to and live
from, moment-by-moment.
Personal Study Strengthens & Expands Your Self-Awareness
What strengthens your inner Awareness is familiarity. The more each of you understand and are
readily familiar with your inner world -- the nature of your Self, your sensitivities and inner
pressures -- the more empowered you will be in resolving them. There is strength, an inner security
that results from understanding and coming to grips with one’s inner pressures and how they show
up in their personality.
Again, it is the same process in gaining increased awareness of an health issue. The knowledge of
what you are up against and what you can do to resolve a real health imbalance is what empowers
you. The more you each understand what you are faced with and what you can do to solve it, the
stronger you will be going forward. And the more effective your efforts will be.
Gaining this familiarity within each other is also what will fundamentally transform your
relationship together. The more each of you understand your partner’s inner world, the more adept
you will become in responding to his or her core emotional needs. And the more empathetic you will
be in what your beloved is sensitive to. This awareness and sensitivity together is what will accelerate
your progress in making your relationship more harmonious and fulfilling together.
The basis of this comes from familiarity with you and your partner’s Enneagram profiles. The
profiles outlined here are quite comprehensive. They are based on years of experience listening to
partners of each type talk about their inner world. It is like a blueprint of your persona. You are
using the profiles to jump ahead of the curve in gleaning what applies to you individually. You each
will need to sort through, digest, and come to recognize which dynamics in your core Enneagram
types, wings, lines and subtypes apply to each of you. Repeated thoughtful readings are vital as they
will help to broaden and deepen this familiarity.
For the process to be truly effective, it involves personal reflection on your self. This is an intimate
journey to explore for each of you. The exercises in the earlier chapters are designed to help you
crystalize more precisely your inner dynamics -- what you and your partner’s spiritual essence and
gifts are, what your core ego needs are, what the insecurities (90’s) are that drive those needs and
sensitivities, and finally, to identify all of the significant ways that those pressures show up as overthe-top and distort each other’s attitudes and behaviors.
The more intimately familiar you are with these inner dynamics, the more self-aware you will be.
Becoming an “expert” in this shared awareness together is the basis for having a successful,
harmonious, and loving Conscious Relationship.
The Tools With This Orientation Also Create a New Paradigm Shift
In developing these awarenesses, it also becomes important to have a range of effective tools and
frameworks that enable you to safely process and heal together the tensions and issues that emerge.
This is where the rubber meets the road. The purification of consciousness involves healing your
insecurities in your personality. The word “healing” comes from the Old English word haelan, which
literally means “to make whole.” Healing is becoming whole. What each of you are faced with and
healing is the accumulation of a lifetime of painful, unresolved emotional wounds that churn inside
and make you insecure in your personality.
The original emotional imprints are so well buried that they are largely unconscious now. Most
couples that come in for couples therapy have little self-awareness of any deep-seated insecurities or
emotional wounds down there. Or that these imprints are the source of their emotional tensions and
feelings that become triggered in the relationship. For many it is not until they learn the tools that
they start discovering those underlying sensitive areas. That is when they really start making sense
of the very real connection of those wounds (the 90%) with the present day triggers (the 10%).
In the process they now begin familiarizing themselves with those long-lost, split off parts of
themselves. These experiences of discovery and familiarization from their direct experience of the
source of their inner pressures, distortions, and insecurities are what ground each partner in this
new-found self-awareness.
The process of healing these inner wounds involves opening their consciousness to those feelings. For it
is the Light of Consciousness that heals. Nothing else. There is no magic here. Consciousness heals.
Unconsciousness suppresses, impairs, defiles, putrefies, continues the darkness. To free up and
integrate these repressed energies, you simply stay conscious. It is opening up your whole being -your hearts and minds and bodies to fully Be with whatever emerges. The process itself heals,
integrates each experience.
This Conscious Couples orientation is about keeping our hearts open and vulnerable together,
through thick and thin. But whenever it starts to become too “thick” from too much inner pressure or
upset feelings, we need to fortify consciousness to stay present and open. It is the tools that enable us
to embrace these inner stressful energies -- to finally surface to be integrated and resolved.
These tools we teach were developed and refined over years to create the safety to open up to this
level of vulnerability in the face of rising tensions. No matter how upset or angry a couple becomes,
the range of tools can effectively move them to that sacred place of openness in their hearts and
minds together where the healing and purification can take place.
With practice partners can develop their skills together so that they continually reinforce their
experience of being able to safely move through the sometimes turbulent energies within themselves
to a place of vulnerability together. They discover that this is their ground of being that clears the
agitation and restores their pure, essential nature within themselves. And in the process, this deepens
their heartfelt connection together.
Opening up and becoming vulnerable now becomes the safe place they intentionally navigate
towards whenever either is starting to lose touch with their presence from too much inner pressure.
As they increasingly do so, their shared experience creates the trust that turns the relationship into a
healing sanctuary for both them.
These frameworks and tools that can enable couples to open up and reach this vulnerability together
generate an additional new paradigm shift for couples in how they approach and deal with conflicts
and upset feelings. Instead of blaming or righteously standing up for themselves in an argument,
together they now consciously strive to move towards this lighthouse, their “healing zone,”
whenever triggered. The tools help them get there, and can ensure they get there.
As couples develop their skills they find that they can go directly to this vulnerable place together
whenever inner pressures and tensions emerge. After all, this is where people naturally go when
they keep their heart open when someone they love is hurting. They just needed skills competency to
be able to do so when tensions rise that threaten to overshadow their pure Selves.
Opening Up & Becoming Vulnerable Also Enables You to Be Heard!
The more you open up together, also the more you each can understand the other’s inner world and
sensitivities. When there is no blame, your partner can stay open to hear and experience what it is
like for you within yourself, and respond empathetically. This is the basis for growth together. For
when partners feel in their heart what each is sensitively going through, they care. And caring is the
most powerful motivator for change.
Imagine your relationship together where you both share sympathetic awareness of each other’s
world of ego needs, sensitivities, imbalances, and insecurities. And in conflicts, each of you can
readily recognize and humbly own your part in it. So you are able to understand and empathize
with each other’s underlying sensitivities that were exposed. Both of you feel heard.
“Out beyond ideas of wrong doing and right doing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.”
Rumi
It is important to realize that feeling heard is what keeps conflicts from escalating into arguments. If
partners can make sense of what you struggle with such that they can empathize with your point of
view, then why would it need to intensify into an argument? When partners open themselves to do
so, however, that does not mean they are assenting that your world is the only Reality.
Your experience is mostly based on your interpretation of reality based on your sensitivities. Just as
your partner’s reality is based on his or her inner world. That means both world views co-exist. It is
vital to recognize that. In a conflict, going forward depends on your ability to walk in each other’s
shoes, feel what each other goes through, so that you can personally relate to and makes sense of what
is the nature of the conflict.
Couples who argue miss this understanding. Their entire focus is standing up for their point of view.
Nobody is listening.
“If I were to summarize in one sentence the single most important principle
I have learned in the field of interpersonal relations, it would be this:
‘Seek first to understand, then to be understood.’ This principle is
the key to effective interpersonal communication.”
Stephen Covey, acclaimed author including
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
Of course, it can be hard to make sense of a partner’s distorted needs without understanding their
Inner Enneagram type. So no wonder they can’t get through to each other. Fortunately, you are
gaining insight into each other’s world of gifts, ego needs, and underlying insecurities so that you can
make sense of their inner world.
“You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view.”
Atticus Finch, lead fictional character in To Kill A Mockingbird
“Any fool can know. The point is to understand.”
Albert Einstein
This is primarily what most partners need as a basis for solving the conflict -- simply to be heard!!!
And that is the source of much of the frustration and anger that escalates -- when they are not heard
each comes on harder to get through the other’s thick skull why it really matters. But of course,
because partners do not have that need or insecurity, it doesn’t matter. What matters to the partner
are his or her sensitivities and needs!
“Deep listening, compassionate listening is not listening with the purpose of
analyzing or even uncovering what has happened in the past. You listen
first of all in order to give the other person relief, a chance to speak out, to feel
that someone finally understands him or her. Deep listening is the kind
of listening that helps us to keep compassion alive while the other speaks…
During this time you have in mind only one idea, one desire: to listen
in order to give the other person the chance to speak out and suffer less.
This is your only purpose. Other things like analyzing, understanding the
past, can be a by-produce of this work. But first of all listen with compassion.”
Thích Nhất Hạnh, Global Spiritual Leader
So no wonder emotionally charged conflicts easily escalate. But this tends to backfire. As tensions
increase, instead of feeling heard, the receiving partner tends to put up walls to defend him or
herself. Or attacks back. Now no one feels heard! And that is why issues don’t get resolved.
“If you’re not listening, you’re not learning.”
Lyndon B. Johnson, U.S. President
Each partner wants to be heard. But ask yourselves, if you don’t feel heard, do you think your
partner in the argument feels heard by you? Have you been able to make sense of and feel for what he
or she needs or has to go through that makes this a problem? Remember, Both Needs & Sensitivities
Matter! The process of feeling heard is the basis for solving differences that can deeply trigger each
other.
“It is astonishing how elements which seem insoluble become soluble
when someone listens. How confusions which seem irremediable
turn into relatively clear flowing streams when one is heard.”
Carl Rogers, Influential Humanistic Psychologist
The tools we teach not only enable each partner to open up vulnerably when they talk, but also they
enable both partners to step out of their world and fully experience what the other is going through.
This becomes the basis for solving the conflict. Once each other feels heard the focus rightly shifts to
solving it together, with good will.
And It Is All Based on Humility
It is from this shared vulnerability that humility springs. There is no humility in anger or in
righteousness. Humility is the nature being vulnerable together.
“Humility is freedom from your own driven ego.”
Martha Kilpatrick, Spiritual Writer
“Pride makes us artificial and humility makes us real.”
Thomas Merton
In using these frameworks in a conflict, each of you opens up to connect to your own inner world of
sensitivities. The tools take you to a vulnerable place where each of you comes to realize, “I am the one
that is causing the problem.” As you each get to the bottom of it all, this is the humble awareness that
increasingly dawns inside. And this is what changes everything. This becomes your shared ground
of being together.
“Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less.
C. S. Lewis
This increased sensitivity naturally leads to a sense of contrition as you each start to feel the effect
you unwittingly have on others. It is this that generates in each other a healthy sense of wanting to
do better, to be better. When you care, this is the most powerful motivator for change, for becoming
healthier.
You can see that this way of approaching and resolving conflict together completely changes your
perspective. And thus an additional radical paradigm shift that these tools create. Instead of
blaming each other when your needs or sensitivities clash, now you each start with, “I am doing it
again. I’m sorry that I have this issue... or these pressures.... or these emotional needs... or these emotional
reactions, or this resistance.” Or, “I am sorry that I am so bound by these inner fears in this way. I see that I
need to grow by...”
“It is always the secure who are humble.”
G.K. Chesterton, Early 20th century English Religious Scholar & Writer
Imagine being in a relationship where you and your partner are self-aware enough to catch and own
your imbalances and distortions as they emerge. It makes such a difference. Right away you
acknowledge with each other, “I know it is my stuff. It can be hard for me...” Or, “I know the tension is
mine right now. I’m sensitive to...”
“A humble knowledge of ourselves is a surer way to God”
Thomas a'Kempis, 15th Century Monk, The Imitation of Christ
Humility, that low, sweet root,
From which all heavenly virtues shoot.
Thomas Moore, Author of Care of the Soul
Solving the Issues Together
What about solving the issues together? Solving emotionally-charged conflicts together involves
both recognizing and owning the underlying tension that drives the issue (the 90%) in each partner,
as well as all sorting out the ways each partner tends to exacerbate or trigger it (the 10%). When
couples share vulnerably in these ways, the experience together will inform them of what solutions
would be effective. Solutions that reflect and honor both partner’s core needs and sensitivities.
Remember, it is the good-will that enables successful solutions to be formed. If there are hard
feelings, that is typically not the time to solution-solve. If there are upset feelings, use effective tools
to safely process the emotional tension first to resolution. That will restore your natural presence and
heartfelt connection together as the basis for wisdom and empathy to emerge in working out
solutions as a team.
Then finally, the tools also include frameworks for reinforcing solutions you come up with so they
will continue or, if necessary, they will evolve together. After all, you could be asking each other to
make changes or adjust to needs that can be completely foreign to the person. Or worse, each partner
might have strong contrary pressures within themselves that make it very difficult to respond or
maintain it. Learning to create a supportive environment for both partners to develop their abilities
to be more responsive can be just as important.
Reframing Conflict in Your Relationship
as an Opportunity for Accelerated Growth
Conflicts usually reflect in each of you where your blinders are and the insecurities that drive them.
In that sense, conflicts are useful. And at times in your life they are inevitable given the outside
pressures and demands confronting you. However, if you have enough self-awareness and are
skillful in using safe frameworks, it can become an intimate process of growing together. Then it
becomes a way to accelerate our growth.
"No pressure, no diamonds."
Mary Case, indie film screenwriter
“Difficulties strengthen the mind, as labor does the body.”
Seneca (4 BC - AD 65) Roman Statesman
Conflict forces each of you to deal with your underlying insecurities. On the contrary, when things
are going well in your lives, your insecurities lie dormant, underground. They still continue to
quietly churn deep inside, robbing you of true peace and emotional security. And, too, the
subliminal stress they generate effects the body’s health over time. So they do not go away, they
simply remain unconscious. And they can and will still be triggered.
"Difficulties are meant to rouse, not discourage.
The human spirit is to grow strong by conflict."
William Ellery Channing, the foremost Unitarian preacher in 1800’s
So it makes sense to adopt an attitude that you want to get them out and resolve them. Conflicts and
emotional upsets are obviously the best time. For what else are you to do? Act them out freely?
“The more incompetent one feels, the more eager he is to fight.”
Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Famous Russian Novelist
Of course, there are some inner pressures so severe that can make a person very unhealthy. Their
situation would be beyond the intent of this book. Usually someone with that level of intensity of
inner tensions would probably be unable to align to these dynamics. There is not enough presence to
do so. Or they would resist even learning about it. It is just too hot to handle.
For most couples, conflicts in the relationship usually center around the ways each unwittingly
triggers the other. So both partners tend to see where the other is at fault as being out of balance in
their needs, attitudes, or reactions. But then, of course, given your Enneagram type, wings and lines,
you would see it that way. Your reaction is probably how people of your Enneagram type would see
it. That does not mean, however, that the other has to be “wrong.” After all, people of his type
probably find what he or she is doing as pretty “normal.” This is why it is hard to resolve.
Nevertheless, whatever you each are doing, if it is partly driven by pressures and needs that come
from insecurities, it is worth exploring, owning, and freeing that up. After all, it probably would not
become an issue if either of you would show more flexibility and responsiveness around that trigger.
The fact that you have not been able to indicates that whatever each of you are doing is probably
connected to a gripping pressure or ego needs within you. So there is usually something to work on
or grow from with each of you in any conflict.
“Every problem has a gift for you in its hands.”
Richard Bach, author Jonathan Livingston Seagull
Also, how will you each grow as a person if you do not ever get that feedback? Even if your partner
is skewed in how they perceive you, there usually is something for you to gain here as well. Instead
of humbly exploring your inner world, if you defend or fight back, what good does that do for you?
In your heart, you know that you don’t want to be out of balance among others. And particularly
with the ones you love -- your beloved partner and your dear children who are dependent on you for
their well-being. And who else better to gain that feedback from then your beloved partner, your
best friend, the one who cares more about you than anyone in life? In this Conscious approach, the
frameworks and tools keep him or her your best friend as you both open your hearts to process
together. This is the gift of having a relationship where we support each other to become more
whole, and grow closer together in the process.
Lastly, it is important with to reiterate that in recognizing and owning your insecurities, distortions
and imbalances in your personality brought out in conflicts, that does not mean that you are not
loved or loveable. You and your partner have loved each other even though you certainly see the
other’s imbalances and sensitivities in their personality. You love your kids even though you see
their insecurities. And in opening up with each other, you become more human and even more
lovable.
“I believe that the basic nature of human beings is gentle and compassionate. It is
therefore in our own interest to encourage that nature, to make it live within us,
to leave room for it to develop. If on the contrary we use [anger], it is as if we
voluntarily obstruct the positive side of human nature and prevent its evolution.”
His Holiness the Dalai Lama
It does not make sense for either partner to be made to feel blamed or unloved for having inner
unconscious pressures and insecurities, even if it triggers the other. But it is usually when each
partner is in denial, who frequently act those pressures out, that is what makes it hard to keep one’s
heart open in love. In this Conscious approach, the foundation of love and compassion is sustained,
through thick and thin.
“Your fear is the beginning of true transformation.”
Quote from a Near Death Experience
Conflicts simply become discovering where we each need to grow, and how we can both grow in
becoming more self-aware and healthier together. And that is why these new awarenesses and tools
are so vital.
What About Those Relationships Who Resist This or Are Having a Tough Go?
For some couples, this orientation of learning to how to make it safe to keep your hearts open
together might seem impossible to apply to their relationship. Or there may be couples who are so
angry or resentful towards their partner that they cannot imagine opening up and becoming
vulnerable again? Nor might there be any desire to do so as hardened their hearts are by now. How
can they feel humble or sorry, or ever want to be open their hearts when they have been hurt so much
or for so long?
But what else are they going to do? Continue to live in a hostile, or distant, or loveless relationship?
Of course, for some their incompatibility together can be too great to resolve. So there may be no
other choice. However, if couples want to stay together, it makes sense to develop the awarenesses
and skills that could make the relationship healthier.
The trap is in making each other wrong. In many cases, whatever they are making each other wrong
for simply shows a lack of understanding of the other person’s world of sensitivities and insecurities.
After all, if you were born with your partner’s Enneagram type’s needs and fears, and brought up
with what he or she had to go through in life, and faced with all of the pressures that emerged
together, you would probably have been driven or responded the same way. It is not personal.
This does not excuse whatever has happened in your relationship together. It just sheds light on
what was really happening. We all are at the effect of our insecurities and pressures in our
personalities. Just as we are with our bodies’ health issues. And we need to do something about
those imbalances to become healthier.
If your intuition is to go forward together, as a starting point, these new understandings, awarenesses
and tools have been shown to be powerful enough to naturally cleanse the resentment together and
the underlying pain that it protects. That is what enables you to begin the journey of opening up
together.
Nevertheless, for many, this idea of opening up to one’s feelings and becoming vulnerable when they
are upset in the relationship may feel foreign to many. And there may be couples or partners who
may not be accustomed in their personality to ever opening up and being vulnerable. Even the idea
of it may make some partners uncomfortable. After all, it is a threatening turbulence one is engaging
in -- within and without!
That is why a shared strong foundation must first be established together. Gaining these
understandings and the self-awareness of each other’s inner world from the profiles and in the
exercises can provide that foundation. It is the basis for feeling more secure in being able to open
your hearts together.
The tools then fortify that foundation to enable each of you to keep your hearts open together in the
face of stressful pressures and feelings. The frameworks lead the person to open up and share their
inner world at his or her own pace. Nothing is forced. Nothing is unnatural. As you gain more
experience, it becomes increasingly instinctive and ordinary. As issues get resolved, trust grows, and
your connection together increases.
This is how the whole process of conflicts and emotional distance together radically shifts -- from
blame, to ownership, to healing of our selves, to growing and filling out as a person, and responding
more fully to each other’s needs.
Everyone gains from developing these awarenesses,
understandings, and skills as you increasingly live together as a Conscious Couple.
This May Also Seem Counterintuitive to the Wiring of Some Enneagram Types
It is my experience in working with couples that some Enneagram types might find this orientation
more difficult. The idea of opening up and becoming vulnerable may fundamentally run counter to
their core ego’s need for survival. Those that may feel awkward or have resistance to this orientation
in this chapter might include powerful Eights, perfectionist Ones, happy Sevens, problem-solvers Sixes,
and peace loving Nines.
Eights nature is Power and Will. In their separation from Self, they now have a place inside of
powerlessness that is intolerable. Yet we are asking them in the face of a real threat to their world,
instead of powering through with their indomitably domineering will, to instead become vulnerable.
If they do not have a line to the heartfelt Two, that can be very foreign to them. And yet, for the Eight
to find wholeness, this is precisely what they need -- to open up and integrate their sensitive heart
more into their personality. And how are they going to deepen true intimacy in their marriage if it
always “their way or the highway?
Ones nature is the Perfection of the Universe. In the separation from their Self, they now have a core
emptiness of perfection deep inside -- an intolerable place of imperfection. They cannot stand
experiencing imperfection. And most of all, experiencing real imperfection inside themselves. So in
the midst of a conflict, how are they going to open up and allow themselves to be vulnerable, flawed,
wrong, weak, one-down, imperfect? After all, it is their partner who is imperfect. So this whole
concept could feel foreign to them. Except that it is true that their partner needs to do this work.
Sevens nature is Bliss. They hate experiencing the lack of happiness. Even boredom is too much for
them. But pain, that is the worst. Why would anyone ever want to go there? It is so against their nature,
their very being. There must be a positive way to heal or resolve differences. Otherwise, they may not
want to ever go there. Nor might they want you to “wallow” in your pain. Why not just see the
positive in things? “You are just bringing me down.” “Who wants to always have to process everything!”
Even if they are already upset -- so the emotional tension is right there affecting the relationship, they
still would rather avoid it. And the more emotional tension inside the Seven, the more desperate is
their attachment to happiness. And to denial.
The mental Sixes are natural problem-solvers. In stressful situations, they just want to solve it. And
because their survival is based on figuring it out, they want their partner to solve it their way. “If you
would just do what I am asking, we wouldn’t have to process anything.” Under stress, they tend to
become like Sergeants, and sometimes dictators, to take control of the turbulent situation. Staying in
control is how they survive in their ego. So asking them to open up and become vulnerable inside to
their pain, or empathize with yours could put them in an uncomfortable place. It just might not make
sense to them.
And peaceful Nines, of course will find a natural aversion to stress, tension, inner pain or upset
feelings that will disturb their nature of Peace. They survive life’s challenges by numbing out
feelings. It enables them to hold on to as much inner relaxation as possible, which is their core ego
need. The idea of opening up and engaging in these areas inside of themselves, or be exposed to
yours, that is probably not so appealing. Nor are they usually skilled at it. So it takes even more of
an emphasis on safety for some Nines to go there.
Of course, strong wings and lines in each of these Enneagram types above can modify these fears and
insecurities so that the person actually wants to open up, process, and free themselves of their
insecurities. So it is not true that all people of those types will be threatened by this conscious
approach.
People in the other Enneagram types might also not respond to this orientation. This Conscious
orientation may only appeal to those who are drawn to the idea of growing within themselves and
growing in their relationship together. Nevertheless, wherever people are in their evolutionary
journey, I trust that is exactly where they are suppose to be. And whatever they are to face, I trust
that will be what is ultimately needed as well.
The Second Skill Set -- Deepening Your Love & Fulfillment Together
What makes each of you happy and fulfilled in a committed relationship? That is the central
question. Each of you enters the relationship with fundamental ego and emotional needs and
interests. Needs that determine your very well-being in this relationship.
The value of the Inner Enneagram is in accurately identifying each partner’s underlying core ego needs.
These needs will fundamentally dictate the success or failure of intimacy in their relationship
together. To the extent they each fill those primary needs, to that extent they are happy. To the
extent that they don’t, or when each other’s needs clash, to that extent there will be tensions.
Most people are drawn to someone whose personality is different. The partner offers gifts and
qualities that complement and expand the person. However, that also means that the partner brings
forth core needs that are different. Couples when they get married have little awareness of these
needs. Or how essential they are to the outcome of the marriage.
In gaining this awareness together comes the pivotal realization that “Both Needs Matter” in this
partnership. This becomes crucial, that each will make their partner’s ego needs as important as their
own! This revelation introduces an additional major paradigm shift in understanding successful
couples relationships.
The central problem couples are faced with is that to the extent that either cannot do that, or lack the
ability to do that, or if over time they lose the good-will to do that, or are unwilling to do that, to that
extent the two of them will be incompatible. The more fundamental the emotional need that goes
unmet, the more turbulence that will show up in the relationship.
As we have seen, resolving emotional tensions is the first dynamic to master in a Conscious
Relationship. Focusing on sustaining and deepening your love and fulfillment in this relationship is
the second dynamic that is equally important to master. This is based on the importance of
consciously and intentionally enlivening what generates your positive, loving feelings together.
In the old model, people married and then focused most of their attention on the never-ending
projects that come up -- career, kids, mortgage, personal projects. In a Conscious Relationship,
however, there is an awareness that relationships need nurturing to enliven and expand their Selves.
They grow and are nourished when they each respond to what the other needs in themselves. The
opposite -- where everything else seems more important, where they unwittingly tune out each
others’ emotional needs -- will deaden the relationship.
There can be a number of obstacles to become aware of. These personality differences can mean that
your partner may not have developed important skills or interests that really matter to you. The
partner never needed that growing up or perhaps there was never the opportunity to develop those
skills. So it feels unnatural to him or her. Or it may be that some of your core needs run counter to
what your partner needs.
Also, partners unwittingly tend to give to the other precisely what they enjoy and respond to.
Gestures, gifts, caring behaviors, affection, interests that might seem natural in their world, they tend
to think their partner will appreciate and find meaningful.
Much of this can be corrected with education about each other’s world of needs and sensitivities. In
many cases, however, it will take developing in each other skills that might initially seem foreign.
Like learning to ballroom dance. It is something that people can become good at together. But it took
some training. Given how important this is to the success of the relationship with each other,
however, both parties will need to come with good-will in their willingness to expand their repertoire
of interests and skills.
Good will makes a huge difference. It shows that you care about what really matters to each other.
Even if you never become as expert or as interested, being a gracious team player forges your bond
together. The alternative of resistance over the long term may not bode well.
In the companion Volume Two, there is also a focus on skills that expand the pleasure, meaning, joy,
and love in your relationship together. Skills and activities that nourish each other, expand each
other, and fulfill each other.
It is important to discover what all enlivens each of you and would makes you feel fulfilled in your
relationship. And to explore what might expand each of you to new vistas of pleasure and joy. This
is not a static relationship. It is an evolving one. So having that attitude can be important.
Volume II explores these avenues and provides exercises for you each to discover what makes you
feel genuine appreciation, love, happiness and pleasure. And then chapters on how to expand and
develop those specific skills and interests together. It offers an abundance of fresh ideas to choose
from in expanding your repertoire.
There are chapters on developing skills dealing with giving attention, quality time, surprises and
gifts, touch and affection. There are skills on caring behaviors, things you could do for each other
that express, I care about you. There are skills for developing romance, pleasure dates, and loving
rituals for you and your family. And there are chapters for developing skills in having more fun
together. They will expand the opportunities for more shared activities that will expand and nourish
each other.
Then there are skills that deepen your connection together, that affect you at your core. These are
simple or extraordinary events like special activities or times together, lovely romantic experiences,
fun and enlivening jaunts, adventures, vacations, and important holidays. For some, sharing in
deeper spiritual experiences together also deepens their bond and intimacy together. After all, you
both want to develop a bank of memorable experiences you share together in your lives.
And, of course, lovemaking. I don’t mean sex. I mean making love. Where you naturally open up
and connect to the deeper, more intimate, exquisite, transcendent life-force energies within your
bodies, hearts, and Selves. Chapter 15 in this volume provides an overview of this LoveMaking
process
These are the kind of experiences together that can make this relationship incredible. And you will
want to fill it out with your specific interests and needs. Developing this dimension of your
relationship will strengthen the very fabric of your intimate connection together. For each of you, the
more you share in these experiences, the greater the sense of “us” is deepened.
On the contrary, not having these kinds of shared experiences in a marriage -- what is that like?
Partners are forced to find alternative sources of pleasure and meaning in their lives. For some
maybe it is their careers that fulfills them. Or their children who become like a surrogate spouse in
providing the experience of love and loving they need. Or some may fill with substitutes for love like
spending money to buy the what enlivens them. Or get those needs met with their friends, where
hanging out together nourishes them. Or in having an active social life. Whatever it is that will
sustain them, and enables them to keep the relationship going.
If you have lost some of your innocence or good will to expand the sources of pleasure in your lives
together, then that only means there are unresolved tensions to attend to. Fortunately, as you have
seen, you can develop your skills to be able to resolve them together. So the heart naturally begins to
reopen and respond to the good will and appreciation of each other.
The good news is that if you both are willing and committed to work on it, your relationship is the
perfect training ground to develop these awarenesses and skills together! After all, in doing so what
you are really doing is simply deepening your own connection to Self. For the maxim, “All love is
directed to the Self” is the reality.
Your relationship together is simply your vehicle for the enlivenment and expansion of your Self.
Everything that your partner does that you love simply connects you to that place inside your Self.
Culturing that together is how you expand yourself to Be more of Your Self. As the years go by
together, you increasingly find that relationship between you and your Self merging. You become
what you wanted. More and more you will find that you no longer “need” love, instead it becomes
you two celebrate the natural love that you feel within. That’s the purpose and the means for a
Conscious Relationship.
Learning All of These Tools & Skills Together
The only reason more people are not in a Conscious Relationship is that the education in these
awarenesses, tools and skills has been lacking. After all, where are they systematically taught? For
the most part, people do not learn them growing up. So they fall back on whatever gets their ego
needs met in their personality.
And in your relationship, that can be the problem -- not having been exposed to healthier or more
effective ways to get each of your needs met. Or not having developed the necessary skills to
respond to your partner’s needs. And not having the awareness, understandings, or skills for
resolving the inevitable differences, tensions, and issues that arise from your insecurities.
Just think if you both had these skills together when you first got married. This conscious orientation
is so different from the commonly held belief that says your feelings of “falling in love” will not last.
Of course, we can see why they say that. When uncomfortable feelings and needs emerge and are not
safely resolved with good-will, the frustration, disappointment, hurt, and anxieties go underground.
And your heart pulls back a little. Over time, as unresolved feelings and issues accumulate,
emotional distance results. So you adapt. Or you leave. Leaving is what a hefty fifty percent of all
marriages have decided to do.
So if you notice that you are in a relationship with someone you care about or love where it is not
fulfilling, where the two of you are not consciously expressing your love easily, or sharing in
experiences that expand the pleasure of being together, or if you unable to safely communicate and
resolve those tensions, then be sure to get training in these areas. After all, you would gladly take
any training that would make you more successful and effective in your career. In fact, in most
careers, that is mandatory. For some, relationship training is just as important.
Remember the adage: “Falling in love is the easy part. Keeping your hearts open requires skills.” For
some, the key determinate of whether to stay in a distressed marriage, or even engage in a new one
with someone, is whether the partner is willing to explore learning these kinds of skills and
awarenesses.
It is my experience that becoming skillful in this Conscious Relationship process can make all the
difference in your lives. These skills establish the foundation of trust that allows you to truly
surrender in your hearts. They enable you to live your vision. In so doing, you discover and develop
a sacred, divine love together that is beyond your imagination. . . .
........
Section IV
THE NINE
SPIRITUAL & INNER
ENNEAGRAM
PROFILES
Summary of Personality Dynamics of the 9 Types
Natural
GIFTS
EMPTINESS
Fear of…
Imperfection
1 PERFECTION
IDEALISM
Not done Right.
Or feeling Imperfect
2
GIVING
Selfless
Service
Compassion
Being Nobody
Not being
Worthwhile
Being Alone
GENERATE
4
ORIGINAL
5
KNOWING
Overwhelmed
by Multiplicity
(the World)
6
SUSTAINER
Life falling apart
Not Prepared!
Bad things will happen
7
BLISS
8
9
Beauty
Special
Creative
Intelligence
Silence
Responsible
The Optimist
Adventurer
POWERFUL
WILL
PEACE
Easy Going
Unifier
TRAP
I Struggle with…
OVER
THE TOP
To Bring into
BALANCE
Partner: Be Pro-active
Complete projects
Do everything Right
Judgmental
Superiority. Righteous.
Can’t Feel Imperfect
Nit Picking
Advice giving
Directing
Humility
Heartfelt
Validate others
Feel I am Someone to others
Feel Connected to someone
Be Liked, Appreciated
Help Everyone
3
Excellence
CORE NEEDS
To Fill Emptiness…
Needy
Give in order
to Get
in order to feel…
Have no Needs
Others needs
more important
Being too Nice
Own Your
Importance
& Needs.
Let others…
Deception
Competitive
Time is Enemy
Workaholic
Vanity
Me. Me. Me.
Use people.
Make Others
as important.
Vulnerable.
Relax.
Being Nobody
Inadequacy
Failure
Feel I am Someone to others
Achieve. Success.
Be Impressive.
Be Liked, Appreciated.
Being Nobody
I’m not Special
Abandonment
Feel I am Someone to others Emotional Sensitivity
Drama Mindful vs Drama
I’m Special. I’m #1.
Self Consumed
Need to be #1
Other’s Needs
Be Creative.
Not satisfied in the Now Me. Me. Me.
Be Here Now
Boredom, Unhappiness
Can’t Expand
Suffering, Negativity
Powerlessness
Being One-Down
Being Vulnerable
Figure out. Unify
with Knowledge.
Need Space.
Certainty. Security.
Be Always Prepared!
Need Reassurance
Happiness, Fun
Adventure
New Experiences
To Dominate or
Not Be Dominated
To be The Authority
Disturbing my Peace Connect to my Peace
Conflict
Harmonious environment
I’m Flawed.
Feel Esteemed
Being in your Head,
Fear of being Engulfed
Opening my Heart
Too Intellectual Open up Heart
Too Seclusive
Engage
Not Feeling
Express
Distrust. Worry.
Controlling
Doom & Gloom Questions, Questions!
Fear of Life
Conspiracies
Boredom
Limitations
Pain & Suffering
Relax
Trust Life
Lighten up
PollyAnna Embrace Shadow
No Follow through Be with what Is.
Me…Me. Chatter. Feel Emotions
Insensitivity
Being Vulnerable
Overpowering
Sensitive
Aggression Control Appetites
Lust - Big Appetites Admit Wrong
Passivity
Procrastination
Disorganization
Inertia
Take Responsibility
Ineffective, Befuddled Need Structure
My world is a Mess
Open up.
Not Caring Others Feelings
! The Conscious Couples Relationship
Page 197
6
Mr. / Ms. Responsible
The Need for Trust / Security / Certainty
Sixes’ Nature is Being…
Responsible
Problem-Solver
Hardworking
Smart
Perceptive
Selfless
Helpful
Generous
Inner Pressure Can Make Six Energy…
Loyal
Caring
Practical
Structure
Detail Oriented
Protective
Strong
Courageous
Fear-based
Negative
Righteous
Suspicious
Cautious
Judgmental
Bossy
Anxious
Worried
Controlling
Rigid
Not Trusting
Vacillating
Difficult
A Buzz Kill
Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde
Inner/outer fears rule Sixes lives. Thus the need for certainty, trust, security.
"Don’t betray my Trust! This is vital in my relationship.”
Sixes & Those with Strong Wings and Lines to Six Would Likely Say . . .
• "I tend to worry, be concerned, even sometimes obsess about possible problems
-- so I always try to be prepared."
• "I like to have clear-cut guidelines, planning, and structure. I follow the rules.”
• "I'm a very hard worker. But I tend to take things too seriously."
• "It can be hard for me to make up my mind on big decisions."
• "When I care about someone or a group, I'll do anything for them."
• "Trust is huge for me. Don’t betray my trust.”
• “I can tend to be suspicious, and sometimes see conspiracies that others miss.”
9.
Mr/Ms. Easy Going
Mr/Ms. Powerful 8.
1. The Perfectionist
The Optimist 7.
2. The Helper
Mr/Ms. Responsible 6.
The Observer 5.
3. The Achiever
4. The Individualist
THE SPIRITUAL ENNEAGRAM
At first glance, Sixes do not typically stand out in a crowd. They do not need to be the center of
attention. They are noticed, however, for their ready engagement in the state of any affair. Sixes are
wired to notice and evaluate everything -- people, unfolding events, and values. They notice from
the standpoint of its workability -- Is it working with certainty and does it sustain healthy Life
qualities, which are the Sixes’ values in life. This natural engagement is the Gift of the Six energy. It
is what matters to the Six, and underlies what they usually focus on, talk or comment about, and
where they put their energy.
The Sixes’ inner nature comes from the Intelligence aspect of the trifold Higher Self. This is
essentially a Mental energy. However with Sixes, it is the applied Intelligence of Life. Their essence is
the universal principle or force in Nature that sustains Life, and the evolution of Life in the Universe.
It is this transcendent force, this intelligent design, that coordinates and regulates all of the
innumerable and diverse Laws of Nature, and maintains them all in perfect harmony.
This is Sixes’ inner nature -- the natural intelligence in life that makes everything work. As the
Cosmic Engineer, in the pure Higher Self, they have that intuitive “knowingness” in every moment of
how everything works, and how everything unfolds. This is so natural to them. It is their Gift.
It is amazing to us as humans that the Universe is able to maintain a seeming infinite number of laws,
processes, and dynamics -- all at the same time -- where everything works as One whole. It is such a
mystery. For example, right now in this moment there are over a billion solar systems, as an
expression of innumerable dynamics of life, all working perfectly together as the fabric of the
evolving Universe.
Eastern wisdom traditions readily recognize this fundamental Intelligence as a spiritual force that
regulates and governs all of creation and evolution. In the Vedic orientation, this Intelligence is
expressed in three fundamental, cosmic Forces of Nature called the three gunas -- Sattva, Rajas, and
Tamas. All of Life is an expression of the interaction of these three cosmic forces. Sixes’ Higher Self
is a direct expression of the regulating force of rajas guna. This is the life force that upholds and
maintains “dharma” or balance in Nature. The Sanskrit name of the operating principle literally
means “preservation.” “Rajas” comes from the root, “to rule.” The Indo-European root is “reg-“ -- “to
move in a straight line, to direct, to rule.” “Reg-“ as in regulate or regulations, regimented, regimen,
regular -- all of which are qualities natural to Sixes’ inner nature.
This cosmic force is Sixes very inner being. As purely expressed in their personality, Sixes are
naturally driven to make everything work and to sustain everyone’s well-being. They tend to
intuitively know what will be needed in every situation to make everything work. The need is all so
clear to them. And they are driven to figure it out!
THE INCREDIBLE QUALITIES OF SIXES
The Enneagram circle encompasses the fundamental holistic qualities of Consciousness. The Sixes’
cosmic nature, unlike the other Enneagram types, seems to embody most, if not all, of the nine
essential gifts or qualities. This is why Sixes are so amazing in the range of gifts that they naturally
display in their personality. But it is also no wonder that Sixes can have a difficult time discerning
which Enneagram type is their core personality. They can see themselves in all of them!
Let me illustrate why Sixes can identify with each type. The reasons Sixes think they might be
perfectionistic Ones is because Sixes, like Ones, notice every detail. Nothing passes them by. Details
matter to the Six, and to Ones. But Sixes are not interested in “perfection” for perfection’s sake. With
all of the burden of responsibilities they have on their shoulders, making everything in life perfect for
the Six would be a waste of time. Unlike the Ones, Sixes are focused on workability -- their focus is on
details that could become a problem or affect the well-being of the person or the success of the
project.
Sixes think they might be giving Twos because, like Twos, Sixes are natural givers. Sixes will tend to
give more than they receive in their relationships, as well as in their job. Sixes will give 110 percent of
themselves and naturally take responsibility for the welfare of those they care about. That is why
they naturally think they must be Twos -- The Giver. But Twos are different in that they have a
totally different core ego need. In the triad of energies, Twos come from the emotion-based, heart
center. Twos are sensitive, gentle beings who readily feel what others go through. That is why Twos
care so much -- they feel your pain. In doing so, it also supports Two’s ego need to feel worthwhile,
be liked, and feel connected.
Sixes core need, however, is security. They give because by taking care of their partner and
children’s needs, or the needs of the project, the Six is making secure their own inner world. Making
sure that there are no problems is exactly what enables the Six to relax and feel connected to them
selves inside. So it is natural for them to make sure everyone’s well-being is taken care of.
Sixes take on as much as achiever Threes. Three’s ego, however, achieves in order to expand
themselves and impress you and themselves. Sixes do not at all care about recognition or impressing
anyone. Nor do are they driven to expand. Sixes are doers that make things happen because that is
what sustains the workability of any system. Like Threes, Sixes are also natural leaders. However,
Sixes take leadership roles not only because they are talented and responsible, but to make sure the
job is done right. Secretly, they may not trust anyone else to do as a good a job. They prefer to have
control over their environment, and the people in it.
Sixes can be as emotional and intense as sensitive and volatile Fours -- no kidding. When you get in the
way, resist, cause problems or mess up, or if you betray Sixes trust, they can become very upset.
Sixes also can be artistic like the creative Fours. But Sixes are not Fours. They do not have the ego
needs of the Four to feel deeply, to be special or uniquely creative.
Intellectual Fives are an expression of pure Intelligence in the Mental triad. Sixes who have a strong
Five wing can be as erudite as Fives. But the core Six energy is applied knowledge -- more like
engineers, not simply cerebral thinkers. Their knowledge and interest is in applying knowledge to
real life problems -- to make lives better, and secure. The Fives’ nature is more like sitting up in the
stands watching the game below, intellectually fascinated by the unfolding dynamics that are playing
out. In contrast, Sixes are hands on. They roll up their sleeves and are out on the field coaching the
players and getting dirty in the process of life.
Sixes can have a strong Seven wing to bliss. But the happy-go lucky, smiling, laughing, fun Seven is
not the nature of the serious Six energy. Sixes that identify with this Seven energy must have a strong
Seven wing to draw this into their personality.
Sixes can be as tough and aggressive as powerful Eights. Watch out for strong and controlling Sixes!
They stand up for righteousness, and will fight to the end for what is right and true. However, Sixes
do not have an ego need to dominate, as is the Eight’s nature. Power for power’s sake is not their
nature, as it is with Eights. Nor do they revel in needing to feel powerful as do the Eights. Sixes can
be powerful, but only when that is what is needed to get the job done. Control is their thing in the
face of potential chaos. And they will become as powerful as necessary to assure security.
Sixes can have a strong line to the peaceful Nine. Again, though, peace is not their nature. Sixes
worry, Nines do not. Nines fundamentally trust Life and go with the natural flow whereas Sixes do
not. Nines’ inner experience is a fundamental Oneness with all of Life as it unfolds. That is not true
for Sixes. If Sixes have the harmonious nature of the Nine, it comes from having a strong Line to
Nine.
Sixes have so many skills and talents in their personality as their ego’s survival depends on it to be
effective in expressing their Gifts. Although Sixes may have many of the salient qualities of the other
Enneagram types, their essence and nature is completely different. Nor does the Six energy have the
underlying ego needs and core insecurities of the other types. Sixes’ gift and ego need for workability -for trust, security, certainty and control -- is what generates the wide range of qualities in their
personality. Sixes are strong in all of those other qualities precisely because they need those qualities in
order to express their gifts to make everything work. This is their core ego need that expresses who they
are; it also serves to sustain their own connection with their Higher Self.
9.
Mr/Ms. Easy Going
Mr/Ms. Powerful 8.
The Optimist 7.
2. The Helper
The Observer 5.
3. The Achiever
“Buried Sixes” Can Show Up Completely Different Than Outlined Here
Buried Sixes are those whose core personality is a Six, however their lines and wings are so strong in
their personality that those qualities stand out more strongly than the Six. That is why it can be hard
to ascertain which core personality type they are. The strong qualities from their wings and lines also
can nullify or overshadow some of the Sixes’ qualities. As a result, some of the behaviors, attitudes,
and inner dynamics outlined here that are typical of the Six energy might not show up in that
person’s personality.
Imagine a Six having their wings and lines very strong in their personality. A Buried Six with a
strong harmonious, avoid-conflict Nine wing would tend to avoid confrontation or conflict. Their need
for peace makes them harmonious by nature. The Six energy is straight forward and direct. If they
do not like it, they say so. They do not shirk from confrontation. Sixes can become angry, upset and
they argue, whereas the Nine energy typically will shut down. Also, the Nine energy’s home and
work environment will be disorganized, which is unlike the organized Six.
Sixes with a strong line to ambitious, charismatic Three energy are expansive, not so cautious or
conservative. This person may also be animated, emotional, and driven. The Three natural qualities
of beauty and sophistication may be strongly evident in his or her dress, home, and style, which is
unlike Sixes. And they may have the Three’s need for recognition and emotional intimacy to mirror
back their value, which is also unlike the Six engineer’s energy.
Sixes with a strong intellectual, distant, observer’s mind in the Five energy is not characteristic of the
fully engaged-in-everyone’s-business Six. And Sixes’ strong wing to the fun loving, adventure-seeking,
humorous, talkative Seven energy, is so unlike the fear-driven, serious Six.
A “Buried Six” then is someone who has many of these strong wings and lines making up their
personality. In fact, those qualities of the wings and lines are so strong that they “bury” the standard
Six fear-based energies. You don’t see the Six as clearly -- instead you see the shiny Three, the quiet
Five, the harmonious Nine, and/or the fun, alive Seven’s qualities. These persons are still a Six at their
core, as the fundamental Six qualities form the basis of their personality (and their Gifts). But in so
many ways there are aspects of their personality that do not fit the stereotype of the Six. Nor will
they identify with some, or even many, of the Six qualities that you will read about below.
No wonder it is not always easy to identify which Enneagram type is a person’s core personality.
Although the buried Six can have these various strong energies from these other types, it is the
fundamental Six energy that is the basis of their personality. This is their home.
If this is the case with you or someone you know, as you read these profiles you will have to identify
which of the specific qualities in the core type, each wing and line are strong that person’s personality, as
not all of them will apply.
Sixes Values & Talents
Sixes nature, sustaining the stability of Life, is naturally expressed in their intrinsic personal values,
which they feel are in accord with Nature’s values. As natural “preservers,” they tend to be
conservative and cautious about change. They may also righteously uphold traditional values from
the historical past that Sixes perceive are what sustained a healthy and workable society in those
earlier, simpler times. Sixes are also the ones who particularly herald “family values,” traditional
morality, social conservatism, orthodoxy, and fundamentalism in every culture.
As an example, the core values of the Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts perfectly illustrate the Sixes’ inner
world. After all, the Scouts were created by Sixes! Just look at the Boy Scouts’ Mission Statement,
Oath, and the Scout Law:
“The mission of the Boy Scouts of America is to prepare young people to make ethical and moral choices over
their lifetimes by instilling in them the values of the Scout Oath and Law.
The Scout Oath:
On my honor I will do my best
To do my duty to God and my country
and to obey the Scout Law;
To help other people at all times;
To keep myself physically strong,
mentally awake, and morally straight.
The Scout Law:
A Scout is:
Trustworthy, Loyal, Helpful,
Friendly, Courteous, Kind,
Obedient, Cheerful, Thrifty,
Brave, Clean, Reverent”
These are the natural, inherent qualities of the Six ray of energy. Trustworthy -- Trust is the
foundation of the Sixes’ personality. Loyal -- Sixes are the most loyal of all types. It is their nature as
loyalty and dependability are necessary for any system to stay cohesive and work. Sixes are
extraordinarily Helpful -- it is their natural duty, and their nature. Sixes value structure and Obedience
to structures and rules that maintain their values. Being Thrifty and prudence are natural to Sixes -they are natural “savers.” Incredibly Brave and courageous, Sixes will stand up for righteousness in
the face of overwhelming odds and even physical danger, no matter the obstacles. Reverent -- Sixes
tend to be religious or have strong beliefs about morality and the nature of life. All of these Scout
values and qualities are the foundation for Sixes’ orientation in life as they perfectly reflect their
essential nature.
Interestingly, it is my experience that there are more Sixes (and Nines) on the planet than any other
type. They are everywhere. And those with strong Six energy are the ones who seem to run
everything because they are naturally talented and completely invested in making sure everything is
working effectively.
This is why many Sixes are drawn to civil service and public service. It is their nature to regulate, so
many become involved in local, state, and national institutions that sustain the well-being and
security of the community and society. Many if not most of the leaders of the different branches of
the government -- congressmen and congresswomen, judges, department heads -- may usually have
strong Six energies in their personality.
And as you might expect, the government bureaucracy is filled with those with strong Six qualities in
their personality. Not only are they naturally good in administration (“to rule” and “to preserve”),
with their natural loyalty they feel it is an honor to work for their community and country and ensure
its success. They also might feel most comfortable in careers like the government that give them
lifetime security, as security is their nature (and their core ego need).
Sixes are loyal, obedient guardians of any system they are part of. They are natural defenders of the
traditional family and of children, their neighborhood, town or city, and nation. Sixes nature is
maintaining security in their world, and for the people they care about. They take great pride in
whatever tribe, clan, group, sect, race, religion, political party, or country they identify with. And
they will defend them above all else.
This is why Sixes tend to be drawn to military service, or security-oriented professions like the police
force, border patrol, the FBI, the secret service, or as security guards. Professions such as the military
and policing functions appeal to Sixes also because they are highly structured. Sixes nature is
structure. They naturally create, and respond to, structure. When everything is planned out, so there
are no potential for problems, Sixes feel more secure and relaxed. That is why Sixes like rules, and
follow rules, and expect you to follow the rules and laws in society. Rules keep everything working
in order and everyone on track. If everyone would just follow the rules, everything would work out.
However, as natural preservers, Sixes also tend to distrust differences that are foreign or
unconventional. It can be typical Sixes to distrust non-conformists, minorities, other cultures or
ethnic groups, foreign or unconventional religions, a different race, an opposing political party, a
different socio-economic group, gays, lesbians, or transgendered people. And yet, it is also Sixes who
become guardians for these groups when they identify with them. This is why Sixes can tend to
exemplify the most conservative values in a society at the same time other Sixes fight for the most
progressive positions on issues. Take for example climate control. Sixes could distrust the assertion
for the need for climate control. Other Sixes could be driven by their fears of the increasing
dangerous pollution in the environment.
The same can be true on moral issues. Sixes can become strict moralists. They can take strong,
unbending, righteous views on a range of social issues like abortion, traditional marriage between a
man and a woman, the importance of the military, race issues, homosexuality, gay teachers and
adoptions, abortion, immigration, legalization of marijuana, abstinence, traditional women’s roles,
cohabitation, premarital sex.
Those with strong Six energy in their personality are the ones who tend to take leadership roles on
either side. For example, those current popular, political pundits who appear to have strong Six
energy include Karl Rove, Greta Van Susteren, Joe Scarborough, Mathew Dowd, Eleanor Clift, Brit
Hume, Cokie Roberts, and Mary Matalin. Of course, given their popularity, each of them probably
also has some ambitious Three energy that propels them to be well-known on a national level.
Coming from the Mental energy center, Sixes tend to be effective in whatever they put their minds to.
They can fix anything, or prevent anything from becoming a problem. And if not, they will “figure it
out.” This why Sixes, or those with strong Six energy, are drawn to professions that enable them to
use their mental talents. They are natural problem-solvers. In the face of a problem or potential
problem, if you present a solution to a Six, they intuitively know five steps down the road where that
solution will fall apart or possibly go wrong. That is how gifted they are in problem solving.
People who become engineers usually have strong Six energy in their personality. The strong wings
and lines can also direct to what specific field of engineering they are drawn to. For example, the
natural talents of the Six energy alone are related to mental oriented projects, like software
developers, or applied engineers in aerospace, computers, audio, biomedical, and biochemical. The
more scientific knowledge that is required, the more the Six will probably draw from the intellectual
Five energy. Sixes with a line to the earthy-triad Nine energy might be more drawn to physical
engineering -- like hands-on geophysical, industrial, manufacturing, environmental, civil,
agricultural, or electrical engineering.
As natural “preservers,” those with Six energy are also drawn to the mental financial professions.
They work well with your money -- bankers, accountants, CPAs, investment advisors, consultants.
Of course, you would want your investment advisor to have these natural gifts securing your
finances.
Sixes are also absolutely dependable in crisis situations. They are good at keeping a cool head and
taking care of the business at hand, no matter how threatening or disturbing. Nurses, firemen, and
EMT -- Emergency Medical Technicians -- are not afraid of blood and guts. The job comes first.
Sixes are naturally courageous and valiant. They are the firemen, police, rescue workers, and
volunteers who on September 11 , 2001 were naturally compelled to selflessly go up the World Trade
Center to the top floor in the face of all the dangers. With no question or doubt. This is their nature,
their natural duty to preserve and to protect others. They are the ones who fearlessly go into a home
that is on fire to rescue people. They do not even think about whether to go or not.
th
Those with strong Six energy feel compelled to serve their country. It is an honor to protect their
country, their people, and will join military service and go to war to do so. Or they join the Peace
Corp or work for non-profits that aid those in need. As natural guardians, they unquestionably do
whatever it takes, even sacrifice, for whatever the situation calls for -- for others, for family, for tribe,
for religion, for country, or those in need.
You can see how incredible and valuable these natural Six qualities are in a family, a culture, a
society, a nation, and within our world family. These are their natural Gifts.
THE INNER ENNEAGRAM
Most Sixes that you know are healthy in the expression of their natural Gifts. However, like all types,
to the extent those with Sixe energies lose touch with their depths, to that extent there is an
Emptiness of spirit inside, a desperate loss of this natural knowingness inside -- a dark place deep
inside where this intuitive knowing is completely absent. This place of not knowing if things will work
out is more than unsettling to Sixes. In fact, it is intolerable.
This disconnection from their Self, this loss of their connection to the unfolding nature of Life, creates
a fundamental insecurity around Trust at the core of Sixes ego. This becomes their Core Insecurity, a
tremendous primal, amorphous, unconscious Fear that lives deep inside of them. A fear that
anything could fall apart or break down and destroy the very system that upholds their sense of self
and well-being in their ego.
The more disconnected and separate Sixes are from their very nature, the bigger the hole or
Emptiness inside of themselves, and the more insecure they will feel in life’s situations. And, as a
result, the more they will fear bad things will happen. Anything bad could happen, and probably
will is their unconscious modus operandi in this state of separation from Self. This is why all Sixes
unconsciously scan for “Is this going to break down?” “Now, how could that become a problem? “What could
go wrong with that?” Actually, this scanning is so instantaneous and automatic in Sixes that they will
spontaneously know or need to know what could go wrong in any given situation. They do not miss a
thing.
And when Sixes are in dicey situations that they are not able to control (even as simple as being a
passenger in a car), their mantra is, “Oh my God…. Oh my God.” They certainly say it to themselves,
and may actually say it out loud, or words to that effect.
All of us project our Enneagram type’s insecurities into the world. For Sixes, it is this fundamental
distrust of life that they project in their evaluations and responses to events. This fundamental fear
and distrust also tends to shape all of their attitudes and their strongly-held beliefs they are attached
to. You can tell as it shows up as vigilance, suspicion, questioning like a prosecutor, irrational fears,
and in their need to plan and control to make sure every detail is working in their world.
For non-Sixes, you have to understand that these fear-based behaviors, attitudes and beliefs protect
the Six from experiencing this intolerable place of Emptiness inside. But you do the same thing in
your Enneagram type in avoiding your own Emptiness as well. After all, it is human to have places
of insecurity deep inside -- hypersensitive places where we are separate from our peaceful, secure,
stable Selves. For Sixes, this place is an amorphous, dreaded, intolerable fear that the worst could
happen, which is completely contrary to their nature.
In fact, it would feel like an “ego death” for Sixes -- a melt down -- to be in a situation where they are
thrown into the core of that fearful place, and cannot control the situation or get out. So, of course,
they would be hyper-alert and worrisome of anything that could move them in that direction. That is
why they are so Responsible in their personality. It is not only their nature, but the greater the
Emptiness, the more Responsible they will be to protect their very survival.
These insecurities generate inner pressures inside Sixes that overshadow their fundamental trust of
Life. So now, to whatever degree, they do not trust the natural unfoldment of life to succeed.
Instead, they feel a compelling need to become aware of everything that matters to ensure that it works
and does not become a problem. When the Sixes’ personality is unified with its essential nature,
however, they do not have this primal fear. They are at One with all of Life, and with the very
fundamental currents that evolve life -- both the pleasures and the challenging pain.
Nevertheless, most people in the human condition are separate from their Selves. For Sixes and those
with strong Six energies, depending on the degree of separation from their Selves, they are sensitive
to trust to some degree, or unconsciously they do not trust Life. That tension is what compels them to
make sure they regulate, direct, and control Life’s unfoldment -- to keep their ego or inner world
secure.
Living with this core fear inside, Sixes tend to expect the worse -- that everything will break down or
things will fall apart if left on their own. Other Enneagram types might see the possibility of that
happening, but lacking this inner core fear, they are not fundamentally afraid of change as Sixes can
be. Without those fears, others see change as the process of life, and even an opportunity for what is
new and expansive. And if and when it becomes a problem, they feel secure and confident that they
will deal with it then, when it happens, rather than obsess or worry about it now.
For Sixes, however, this embedded fear is not imaginary, it is real. That is because those original
imprinted traumatic unresolved feelings are real inside of themselves, so they naturally project them
out into the world. That is why every moment, every relevant detail, is immediately judged for
possible problems that could happen. It happens unconsciously. After all, this is their survival
mechanism. Even the possibility for problems way down the road can feel threatening for Sixes!
That is how terrifying this fundamental chasm inside Sixes is -- to feel or ever face. So Sixes
overcompensate in protecting themselves by personally taking on responsibility, planning, or control
to ensure that everything is working. “After all, somebody has to do it! Or something bad will happen!
You’ll see.”
This is why Sixes have the Core Need for certainty and security in their world. By creating certainty
and security in their outer world, they are fortifying their world inside. Outer security simply
replicates the experience they desperately are missing inside. This is why it is survival for the Six to
attempt to control their environment, and everyone in it. And this is the central trap for Sixes. They
equate the loss of the naturally stable Self inside with the loss of control. Being in control gives them a
sense of inner security in an otherwise seemingly insecure world. In their minds, when they
micromanage, they are acting responsibly, and sincerely, to protect everyone’s well-being (and the
Sixes inner survival!). Although their focus seems to be on protecting others or the system they are
in, their righteous, controlling efforts may be really designed to protect themselves inside from their
own dreaded fears.
The nature of Life is to evolve. Disconnected from that fundamental Intelligence that guides,
governs, and regulates the evolutionary changes in life, Sixes feel that they are fundamentally left to
regulate it themselves. In their ego. What others see as natural evolutionary change, Sixes separated
from them Selves, sense chaos is unfolding everywhere they look. So you can imagine the
underlying pressure and need for vigilance that generates inside of Sixes. And how much incredible
emotional effort it must take for them to desperately keep everything under control.
This is why Sixes always need to check on everyone, and on everything. They tend to ask a lot of
questions, and may need to stay in contact and know everything that is going on. Whether it is calling
their partner at work, or knowing where their children and loved ones are at all times, or asking who
is going to take care of that detail, or if it was done or not -- there is a fear-based need for certainty that
is constant in the insecure Six.
This overdevelops the faculty that becomes the Sixes Core Sin -- Worry. Most Sixes worry (unless
they have a strong line to easy going Nines, or to the adventuresome, positive Sevens, or to the
objective Fives, or the expansive Threes. Otherwise, there are just too many things that could go
wrong. That is why Sixes tend to keep lists of all the things that need to be done. And they always
need to plan (and need you to plan). Planning prevents problems. And they hate problems.
When I was doing Enneagram seminars in the coastal areas of Florida, I discovered that all of the
Sixes had in their automobile glove compartment the special tool that breaks the windshield in case
of an emergency. There are so many bridges over waterways along the coast, and unlike most of the
other personality types, all the Sixes were prepared for the worst. This it typical of Sixes -- expect or
at least plan for what could go wrong -- for the possibility Is Real for them.
As surprising to the Sixes, not many of the others had that tool at the ready, or even worried about
the potential threat of it happening. People simply prioritize according to what responds to their
own insecurities, depending on their Enneagram types.
What we know from the perspective of the Spiritual Enneagram is that people who feel intimately
connected or One with Life’s forces do not worry. That is true for some Enneagram types. They
intuitively trust the Universe as life unfolds, and do not feel the need to worry. They feel secure
within themselves in their connection to life’s fundamental currents. They also trust that they will
respond as needed when they face whatever is around the bend. They will deal with challenges and
problems then, in a positive manner. And they will naturally grow and evolve in the process. At
their core, they are not afraid of Life or of this fundamental process of evolution in Life as challenging
or difficult as it may be at times. Given this inner connection of absolute security, they may think,
why make a big deal of something that hasn’t happened and spoil the Now?
For each Enneagram type, it is vital to have a clear vision of your personality free of the distorted lens
of your insecure ego. The goal of the Spiritual Enneagram is to clarify in your personality what the
inherent gold standard is for you to align to, rather then be lost in false, distorted “reality” that is
based in natural insecurities that seem so real in one’s separation. In fact, this gold standard is in
reality your very nature. It is your home inside -- free of the false anxieties that the separate ego
imagines.
So this knowledge, even when it seems far off, insubstantial, or maybe completely foreign to you, it
gives everyone of us a reliable, invaluable, detailed map on our path to wholeness. Otherwise, we
could stay confused, stuck, or even righteous in our small, self-justified, rootless world.
9.
Mr/Ms. Easy Going
Mr/Ms. Powerful 8.
The Optimist 7.
2. The Helper
The Observer 5.
3. The Achiever
SIXES’ WINGS & LINES,
AND THOSE WITH STRONG WINGS & LINES TO SIX
With so many extraordinary qualities available to draw from in the Six, this is also why the Six
energy can show up in so many different ways in different people. These modifications are because
the essential qualities of the Six energy can be replaced or modified by the inherent qualities of their
Five wing, Seven wing, line to Nine, or line to Three. Also, the focus of the Sixes’ attention changes
whether they are a Self-Preservationist, One-on-One, or Social subtype. Nevertheless, the underlying
Six energy is uniquely identifiable as Six energy.
Let’s review the effect that each of these can have on the natural Six energy.
THE SEVEN WING
Six has a wing to the blissful, happy, adventuresome, positive Seven energy. All of those qualities,
however, are opposite to the Six insecure egoic energy. When Sixes have a strong Seven wing, this
lightens up the typically serious and sober Six. You can tell because they smile more when they talk.
Note that typically Sixes do not smile while they talk. They tend to be serious, prudent, and
sometimes severe. Sixes only tend to laugh, tell jokes, be humorous, see the positive in everything, or
become adventurous in their personality if they have a strong Seven wing to buoy them. This Seven
energy also enables them to want to have fun more, and be more fun to be with. Sixes without any
Seven energy, can tend to have a difficult time relaxing, or really having fun. They usually have to
get away from all the pressures of their life, like on a vacation, where they are free from feeling their
daily responsibilities and worries in order to really “let go” and have fun.
One way you can always tell when someone is connected to Seven energy is that Sevens tend to talk a
lot. If a Six has a strong Seven wing, they might tend to chatter. It is a buoyant chatter. They tell
entertaining stories and like the attention of others sharing in their light. As Sevens do not like
boredom, what they are saying may be more interesting and entertaining than anything you could
say. And it is fun for them to talk. So it could seem at times self-consumed. That is why it could feel
that Sevens’ tend to talk at you, not with you.
Sevens love change, newness, and adventure. Sixes, however, generally are a little uncomfortable
with change, the unknown, or some adventure. Unconsciously, it can be too scary. That is why most
everything has to be planned out for the Six ahead of time, so they feel secure and are able to relax
and have fun. Sevens, on the other hand, are not good planners. In fact, they do not plan anything
(unless they have a Six wing!). Spontaneity and freedom is their nature.
Sixes follow traditional values as they provide the security of the tried and true. Sevens, on the other
hand, do not like anything that hems them in, keeping them from trying new things or expanding to
new vistas. That is why Sevens might appreciate Libertarian political views as they believe in the
fundamental need for freedom. This contrasts with the Sixes conservative nature.
Sevens by nature are also generous, giving, helpful and caring for those who are less fortunate and
different from them. Sevens thrive on differences. If Sixes have any of these qualities, those traits
may come from their Seven wing.
So you can see how much a strong line to Seven can change and modify much about the Six. Look to
see which and how much of those Seven qualities show up in you or your partner’s personality that
modify or replace the typical Six energies. And for those who are Sevens, as you read through this
profile you can see which of the Six qualities might show up in your personality.
THE FIVE WING
Sixes with a strong wing to the natural intelligence of Five will be more objective and intellectual
about everything. Fives live in their Minds, up in their head. They will appear more “brainy” than
the hands-on engineer type of mental Six. If Sixes have a Ph.D. in their subject of interest, and if it
involves abstractions, that would also come from their Five wing.
Sixes with a strong Five energy might also choose careers that are more intellectual. For example,
with the Six obsession with security, rather than become an FBI agent, they might be more interested
in being an analyst for the CIA or with the National Security Agency. Political commentators Charles
Krauthammer, Ezra Klein, George Will, and Bill Kristol might be examples of those with strong Six
and Five energies.
Like Mr. Spock on Star Trek, Fives are more anchored in the analytical, rational mind, eschewing the
emotional dimensions. They feel uncomfortable when they are engulfed by emotions or people’s
unbridled emotional needs. This is why Fives need their space in the relationship. And it is why
they tend to be less contactful, and more distant emotionally. Sixes can draw those qualities into
their personality from their Five wing.
Observer Fives are Silent by nature inside. And outside. They are introverts, loners, observers rather
than doers. They feel no need to assert control in situations. Nor do they fear life. They are more
curious about life then afraid. So Sixes who have any of these qualities, they come from their strong
Five wing.
9.
Mr/Ms. Easy Going
Mr/Ms. Powerful 8.
The Optimist 7.
2. The Helper
The Observer 5.
3. The Achiever
THE LINE TO THREE
Sixes with a line to success driven Threes are much more ambitious than regular Sixes. They also have
more charm, style, charisma, and persuasiveness in their personality, in their looks, and in their
possessions (homes, cars, etc.). Threes need to be impressive. They wear designer clothes, live in
beautiful homes, and know how appear stylish and sophisticated. They are natural leaders. Examples
might include Hillary Clinton, Michelle Obama, and Sarah Palin.
Sixes without those Three qualities tend to eschew all of that. Men who are traditional Sixes wear the
same simple, standard, professional or practical wardrobe choices. You can tell by their shoes.
Women Sixes always wear sensible clothes, sensible shoes, and sensible makeup rather than flashy
styles. Even their hairstyle is sensible -- always properly short or medium length, as it is more
practical and easier to maintain (unless their culture values long, unadorned hair, like the Mormons
and traditional women in India). In contrast to Threes, Sixes live in sensible homes and drive sensible
cars. Unlike Threes who like to stay in shape, or Fives who typically are lean, as Sixes get older they
tend to become heavier around the middle -- their hips, their tummy. They tend to be stockier
people.
As great problem solvers, Sixes with the strong expansive Three energy, will now think outside the
box. Sixes are conservative -- very careful or cautious about taking chances. Threes are all about
taking risks to make any system or endeavor more successful, and more impressive. When a Six with
a strong Three wing takes a job in a company, they soon begin thinking of how to rise up to greater
success and glory. The Three’s goal is to quickly learn what is necessary so they can eventually move
on and start their own company. That is what the Three would do. That is not, however, what a
traditional Six who needs security would do.
Sixes do the job because a job well done is sufficient satisfaction. They do not need to impress anyone
or to get strokes. In fact, Sixes shun the spotlight or flashiness. They see Threes as prima donnas that
show off in excess. So, whereas a Three would buy an impressive BMW or Mercedes car, the Six
would buy a practical Volvo that won’t break down, or a Prius that will save gas.
Threes can be so hungry and driven, they might cut corners to more quickly reach their goals. Core
Sixes never cut corners or cheat. They are tried and true, honest as the day is long. They tend to be
the staid, do-it-by-the book, follow the rules, ethical, upstanding person of utmost integrity. But that
is not typical of desperate core Threes.
Threes fundamentally need praise and appreciation from others. A Six with a strong line to Three
needs to feel recognized, noticed, and valued in their relationship, and in their work. If they are
women, with their significant other, they now have needs for more intimacy -- to feel loved and
appreciated, desired and romanced. Recognition is huge for Threes. However, practical Sixes do not
need that as much.
Threes in their desperate need to feel valued, appreciated, desired and loved could even have affairs.
This is not true of Sixes. Those ambitious Threes with a Six line who have strayed in their marriage
include Bill Clinton, John F. Kennedy, John Edwards, Jesse Jackson, recent Senators Anthony Weiner,
John Ensign and David Vitter, Governors Mark Sanford of South Carolina, Jim McGrevey of New
Jersey, Elliot Spitzer of New York, and finally, Mayors Marion Barry in DC, Kwame Kilpatrick in
Detroit, Gavin Newsom in San Francisco.
It is against Sixes nature to have an affair. It would be hard to imagine Barack Obama, Mitt Romney,
Richard Nixon, Michael Dukakis, John Kerry, Shawn Hannity, or Oliver North, who all have such
strong Six and Three energies in their personality, having an affair.
THE LINE TO NINE
Lastly, Sixes with a strong line to the peaceful Nine are more relaxed, or seem more laid back. They
are more harmonious and easier to get along with. Sixes are typically anxious, worried, and scanning
to see what could go wrong. Nines are the opposite. Nines never scan for potential problems (unless
they have a strong line to Six!). It is simply too much trouble to worry about it.
Also, Nines procrastinate. Sixes never do. Nines do not plan much, whereas Sixes make and follow
through with well thought-out plans. Sixes also make lists, either written down or in their head.
And, unlike the Nines, the Six energy cannot relax until everything is checked off their list or under
control. Sixes who do not do these things, it is because of their strong Nine line.
A strong line to the Nine’s natural peace tends to soften Sixes anxiety. They are now more relaxed
around others. Nines tune things out, so this could possibly allow the Six to tamp down the
sensitivity and intensity of their radar scanner for problems.
Nines tend to be disorganized and slothful. Sixes are not. Sixes’ natural skill is in organization. They
are highly motivated: See the job, do the job. So if you see areas of a Sixes’ slacking off or their house
is messy, the Six must have some Nine energy in their personality.
Nines also avoid conflict and confrontation, whereas Sixes are straight shooters. Sixes will confront
problems, and people, head on. They will tell you when something bothers them or if they need
something. Their complete focus on “getting the job done” takes precedence over worrying whether
they will hurt your feelings, whereas a Nine might not even bring it up. A Six who has a strong Nine
in their personality would shirk from confrontations or causing disharmony. They hold everything
inside, or rather, they tune it all out. Why go there? So they naturally would avoid escalating
tensions or arguing (unless pushed too far).
Sixes with a strong line to Nine will also love being out in nature. Nine’s nature is Nature. Whether
it is hiking, or camping, playing golf, riding a motorcycle, gardening, or being on the water, the peace
they experience in nature is nourishing to their soul.
---You can see how many of the Six natural qualities can be changed so radically by their wings and
lines. This range of contrary qualities can make it confusing for Sixes as they read through this Sixes’
profile. Also, many of the areas where Six energy tends to go over-the-top that are identified in this
profile might not apply to an individual Six, for they may have a strong wing or line that replaces or
modifies that quality. So watch out for this. These profiles are generalizations.
With so many opposite qualities that Sixes are connected to in their wings and lines, no wonder they
can question which core personality type they are. And because these influences change their pure
Six-ness, as they read through this profile, they may not identify with some of the characterizations.
So for those who may be Sixes but are still not sure if they are a Six (remember, their nature is to
doubt), remember it is not the outer qualities listed in as Six qualities that determine whether your
core personality is a Six or not. Many Enneagram types can have those qualities. What distinguishes
Sixes from all the other types is their fixation on workability, and their Core Insecurity is the lack of
fundamental trust.
HEALTHY vs. UNHEALTHY
Every personality expresses natural gifts. However, it is human to have insecurities in our
personality, just as we can have imbalances in our physical health. And just as it is important to face
our health issues and do something about them, it is just as important to become aware of the
imbalances in our personality in how they affect our partner and family, and do something about
those as well. So that we live a healthy and wholesome life.
Most people, however, have little self-awareness of the distortions in their personality. Given their
insecurities, what they do and how they think naturally makes complete sense to them. And also,
given their sensitivities, no wonder they can become very defensive when apparent imbalances in
their personality and behaviors are pointed out to them. It is also why they will argue and fight for
their point of view and core needs.
So it can be hard to see where one’s attitudes or behaviors are distorted. In any given moment no one
ever feels that they are over-the-top or out-of-balance. They typically can justify whatever they
needed or however they reacted. Actually, you would too if you had those same insecurities and
core emotional needs.
Like all types, Sixes take for granted the reality they have grown accustomed to, having grown up
with those insecurities. They naturally act out their core fears as if they are real -- freely,
unconsciously, and righteously. After all, from the Sixes point of view, how could being vigilant to
prevent unwanted problems, or doing something proactively that actually can help people -- which
feels so natural to Sixes’ nature and thus enables the Six to relax and feel whole inside -- how could that
be over-the-top?
In this section on Sixes, we will explore the fundamental insecurities that those with strong Six
energies are faced with. And how those inner insecurities create inner tensions and ego needs that
grip the personality and distort their attitudes, expectations, and behaviors.
This is vital, for not having objective awareness of those pressures in one’s personality, how they
distort one’s behaviors and beliefs and how they distance others, leaves Sixes as prisoners of their
binding inner effect. Sixes suffer, and everyone who depends on them becomes wrapped in the Sixes
world of fears.
The value of the Inner Enneagram is in providing an objective blueprint of where each type, wing,
line and subtype tend to go out of balance. This enables people to see and own the specific distortions
in their personality when they show up. And come to recognize the underlying insecurities that
drive them. This is invaluable, for as long as you lack self-awareness of these inner pressures, you
will keep acting them out unconsciously. And righteously so! How could you not? But what a trap
that is. And then, no wonder you never fundamentally change?
So just like with our physical health, we need to understand the dynamics and habits that get in the
way of our optimal functioning. If we do not have self-awareness of these inner insecurities and their
distorting effects, how will we ever grow and become healthier? We cannot help but live in denial.
And continue to act them out or blame others for triggering them. Which only makes things worse in
the long wrong, for they will put up walls and distance themselves. And at some point, their heart
can close down.
To have a successful relationship and family, we all have to come to recognize the inner stresses that
limit us, and negatively affect others. It is not a question or being wrong or being right. These are
natural human pressures.
What makes it harder is that these imbalances are connected to and driven by inner wounds and
insecurities. That is why people can be so sensitive to anything that points attention to them. In
reading these Enneagram profiles, a person might feel flawed or made wrong for what feels natural
to them. The focus might seem like a “negative” approach to growth, in emphasizing what’s wrong
with you.
However, discovering your imbalances does not have to be viewed that you are wrong. Being
saddled with emotional insecurities or imbalances in your physical health -- is very human. These
are natural human pressures that all humans share. The imbalances that you discover, as painful as
they can be, are simply what is on your path to work on in your growth towards wholeness.
There may also be a concern that non-Sixes reading about the Sixes’ imbalances could judge them
critically. In doing so, however, readers are not recognizing their own imbalances, and how they, too,
wish others would understand what they are sensitive to or have to go through.
Negative judgments arise when underlying sensitivities and ego needs are triggered, causing the
person to respond negatively instead of empathetically. When a person’s heart is pure, free of
insecurity, they respond to human frailty compassionately, lovingly. After all, having diabetes does
not mean you are not loveable as a human being. Nor does having emotional insecurities. Rather, it
is when you are in denial of those distortions that can make it hard to love you.
It is important to emphasize that gaining self-awareness and productive insight into the dynamics
that can distort their personality can be a positive, empowering, growthful experience to engage in. It
is similar to discovering and finally making sense of a mysterious health problem -- which is really
helpful in enabling the person to do what is needed to heal and become whole.
Everyone needs to take on this responsibility and gain these awarenesses if they wish to be healthy
(and free!). Certainly, you wish your partner would be more self-aware, able to own, and protect you
from his or her inner pressures and how they affect you and the relationship!
In this section, here are what Sixes and their partners identify as the typical imbalances in the Sixes’
ego, as distortions of their pure, innocent nature. If you are a Six, or have strong lines or wings to Six,
or if you have a relationship with someone with strong Six energy in their personality, then underline
those qualities and tendencies that might apply.
Remember however, most people are not only their core type as their essential nature. They are a
mixture of pure divine energies. Most all Sixes will have some strong wings or lines to other spiritual
energies that will modify or even cancel out typical Six tendencies. So in their personality, that specific
quality simply does not apply.
And for those core personality types who have a strong wing or line to Six, they too will only have
selective Six qualities or tendencies show up in their personality. If this applies to you, or if you are
married to someone who has Six energies, your task here in reading this section is to discern
specifically which of the following qualities and tendencies show up and affect the marriage as an
imbalance.
Like with every type, individual Sixes will be healthy in some areas of their personality and possibly
unhealthy in others where they are insecure. Understanding what it is to be healthy is just as
important as recognizing one’s imbalances. The Spiritual and Inner Enneagram provides an
invaluable road map for each person’s growth to wholeness. It enables people to develop the
awareness that will help free them of crippling imbalances. And thus deepen their connection to
happiness and peace inside their Selves.
Knowledge is power. The clearer people are of their inherent inner gifts, the more connected they will
feel inside to their true liberated Self. Also, knowing what a healthy Six is and how an enlightened
Six would respond in any given situation, will serve as a road map to guide the Six in their lives.
Developing this simultaneous awareness will enable them to “see through the distortion” of their ego
filter, moment-by-moment, as they engage with life.
Most Sixes you know will probably be relatively healthy. For everyone, how healthy and in balance
they are depends on how much of their pure, natural type Essence flows in their personality. Or,
more pointedly, how separate and disconnected the person tends to be from his or her pure, inner
Self indicates how much distorting pressure in their personality. The further the Six is from his or her
natural pure nature, the greater the Emptiness deep inside. That is what creates the inner tension,
hypersensitivity, and attachment to their personality needs that they experience.
◆ IN NOT TRUSTING, SIXES TAKE ON TOO MUCH RESPONSIBILITY
For those with strong Six energy in their personality, this separation from their inner nature of
security of Self generates a desperate ego need to create outer certainty and security around them.
Establishing certainty in their outer world is precisely what will reduce in Sixes those pressures
inside and thus reconnect them to their natural Self. This is what makes Sixes feel good inside. And
this is what enables them to relax. It fills the emptiness deep inside, covering over that terrifying
place inside themselves that at its source feels like unbounded fear.
As long as Sixes can make sure everything is working really well, with certainty that everyone’s wellbeing is taken care of, they can avoid those dreaded feelings. Thank God. And when Sixes and their
partner do a really good job in doing so, they can then finally relax (which is not easy for them to do).
But, bottom line, they won’t be able to really relax until everything is done and potential problems
are handled.
As Sixes are Mental types, these underlying fears tend to cause Sixes’ minds to be overactive. It is a
natural survival mechanism for their ego, as their whole internal equilibrium in their personality
depends on certainty. Whenever Sixes encounter more uncertain variables in their environment that
could affect their well-being, or their family’s well-being, they naturally become acutely alert, moving
right up into their discriminating minds, up “in their head” to better discern the problem, figure it
out, and do something about it. They tend to become hyper-focused. Their need is to avoid such pit
falls from happening, they continuously scan the environment to sort out all of the details of what is
happening, what potentially bad could happen, and what everyone is doing or not doing.
Unconsciously, they are constantly looking for: “Could this become a problem?” “Where could that go
bad?” “Have we tied everything down?” As an example, some Sixes when they get in the passenger seat
of a car, you can sometimes see their minds go right into action. Did you remember to lock the house
door? Do you have your wallet? Put on your seat belt. Remember to be careful pulling out. The best way to
get there is to… Watch out for that car. You will want to change into the right lane. Be careful! Slow down.
Watch for that truck on the right.” Even if they do not say it, Sixes tend to notice it all. After all,
somebody has to do it.
Of course, a strong line to the relaxed Nine would probably tune all of this out. Or those with a strong
rational Five wing might not have the same unbridled fear. And those Sixes with a strong wing to the
fun-loving Seven could make it all an adventure, and not feel anxious. Such is the potentially strong,
modifying influences that can come from one’s wings and lines.
When Sixes lay down to go to sleep at night, they tend to review everything in their minds to make
sure there are no missed steps, so all is safe and secure going into tomorrow. And going into next
week. And next month. And next year. They have to consciously try not to think about everything
in order to avoid insomnia! This reveals the sometimes strong, unconscious force -- a core fear that
tends to keep Sixes very vigilant and very responsible so as to never have to feel that terrifying place
of being out-of-control inside of themselves.
In Sixes’ mind, they sincerely take on all of this responsibility in order to be helpful. They do it all for
your benefit. And they especially do it for the kids and for those they care about. They really do. At
least that is what they truly believe. It is true that Sixes will tend to do more for others than they ever
get back, including from you, their partner. Typically, other people do not tend to take on as much as
Sixes -- for their partner, their kids, their family, their friends, their community, their causes, their
religion, their job, and the team they work with.
Unless Sixes have a strong loner Five wing or a tuned-out Nine line, they naturally give of themselves
to help sustain order and effectiveness. They will give their time, their sense of responsibility and
effort, their talents and skills, their money, and even their worry and concern -- whatever it takes.
It is typically true in Sixes relationships that others do not fully appreciate how much Sixes take on.
Or how much mental and emotional effort it all takes. And in fact, unless the Six has a strong line to
the need of the Threes for appreciation and love, Sixes really do not need others to notice. They have
no ego need to be noticed or rewarded. See the job, Do the job! is their natural ethic. The effectiveness
of their efforts to avoid problems, and how great it turns out for everyone, those are Sixes’ true
reward.
On the other hand, what they really, really appreciate is when their partner and others take on the
responsibilities themselves. And do the job well. When you take some of the pressure off the Sixes
shoulders, this is bliss to the Six. Now they finally get to Relax.
Given the pressures within every Enneagram type, it is important for each person to be aware of all
of the ways that his or her personality and behaviors tend to go “over-the-top.” In this section we
outline all of the ways that these insecurities tend to show up in those with strong Six energies in
their personality -- the specific attitudes and behaviors that distort their pure nature. And then in
contrast, we will show the personality of the healthy and enlightened Six whose ego is a purer
reflection of their natural Self.
As I have pointed out, it can be hard to see where your attitudes or behaviors are distorted. In any
given moment no one ever feels that they are over-the-top or out-of-balance. They typically can
justify whatever they do. Like all types, they take for granted the reality they have grown
accustomed to, having grown up with those insecurities.
They naturally act them out freely,
unconsciously, and righteously. After all, from the Sixes point of view, how could doing something
that actually can help people, and enables the Six to relax and feel content, and feels so natural to
Sixes’ nature -- how could that be over-the-top?
Unfortunately for the Six, these inner pressures can tend to distance others. The tension that it can
generate in others may actually serve to undermine the Sixes chances of having their needs met over
the long term. People get tired of it. Ones insecurities can make everyone else hostage as people act
those unconscious pressures with their partner, their kids, their family members, co-workers, and
friends. It is others who feel the impact of those inner tensions (just as Sixes have to deal with other’s
distortions and insecurities that they act out unconsciously).
For all of us, not having awareness of those pressures in our personality, how they distort our
behaviors and beliefs, and how they distance others, leaves us prisoners of their binding effect. We
suffer unnecessarily within ourselves from these inner pressures. They overshadow our natural
Selves. And
This is why we focus on the ways these inner pressures of each type tend to throw the person out-ofbalance. It is not to present a negative view of Sixes, or people of any type, but rather to enable Sixes
and their partners to gain self-awareness and productive insight into the dynamics that can distort
their personality and affect whether those needs are responded to.
It is important to emphasize that in identifying these stress patterns in this profile, this is not an
exercise in making Sixes wrong.
This is inherently a positive, life-supporting, growthful
understanding to engage in -- just as finally making sense of, and getting a handle on, a mysterious
health problem is really helpful. Everyone needs to do this, for after all, you wish your partner
would be more self-aware of his or her inner pressures and how they affect you and the relationship!
To have a successful relationship and family, we all have to come to recognize the inner stresses that
limit us, and negatively affect others. It is not a question or being wrong or being right. These are
natural human pressures.
However, just like with our physical health, we need to understand the dynamics and habits that get
in the way of our optimal functioning. If we do not have self-awareness of these inner insecurities
and their distorting effects, how will we ever grow and become healthier? We cannot help but live in
denial. And then what are others to do as we continue to act out or blame them for our insecurities
and tensions? Of course, they put up walls and distance themselves. And at some point, their heart
can close down
For each of us, our inner pressures will particularly affect the well-being of those whose hearts are
open and who depend on us -- our beloved partner, and our children. So having awareness of the
specific patterns, reactions, behaviors, attitudes, and belief systems where we are out-of-balance or
over-the-top is essential for a healthy relationship. If we do not have that self-awareness, how will
we ever grow and become healthier? We cannot help but live in denial. And then what are others to
do as we continue to act out or blame them for our insecurities and tensions? Of course, they put up
walls and distance themselves. They stop caring at some level. And they tend to stop expressing
their love at some point.
Sixes as Mothers & Fathers
Sixes make incredible Mothers and Fathers. They are selfless and committed to their children’s
welfare and development -- No kidding. They are natural guardians and are tireless in their efforts to
protect, nurture, and take care of the needs of their family.
The more separate they feel from their Self, however, you can see Sixes in their day-to-day life
unconsciously feel like they are living in enemy territory, where vigilance is always required. This is
particularly true when they have children, with all of the problems that their kids can be exposed to.
The more young ones they have, the more worry.
This unconscious pressure necessitates continual scanning and sizing up all of the factors going on. If
anything is perceived as a potential threat that something could go wrong, then it probably will go
wrong if something is not done about it. This is the pressure that can drive Sixes to take charge, to
plan, to question, to control, in order to make sure everyone’s well-being is taken care of.
◆ OVERLY PROTECTIVE
However, with this amorphous core fear deep inside, Sixes can become over-protective and overengaged with their children. It may be difficult to see what is too much. As their kids come down for
breakfast before going to school, you can imagine the Six Mother is preparing everything -- their
breakfast, packed lunches, their coats, the exact timing so they leave in plenty of time for the school
bus. She reminds the them to put on their galoshes and take their umbrella for it could rain today.
She walks them to the bus stop. She reaffirms what time she will pick them up at the bus stop or at
school this afternoon and where she will be.
Her husband comes downstairs and she reminds him of what they are having for dinner so he knows
what not to eat for lunch. She tells him what time she needs him home, and what to stop and pick up
on the way. She kisses him good by (if she is a One-on-One!).
◆ STRUCTURE, STRUCTURE & MORE STRUCTURE
To protect everyone’s well-being (and Sixes sanity), it is natural for Sixes to structure everyone’s
lives. A Sixes life if naturally structured. This means they plan and they have rules that will keep
everyone healthy and safe. The more insecure the Six is, the more reliant they are on rules and the
more conservative, rigid and stringent the rules are -- on what time the kids go to bed, their curfew as
teenagers, how much time they spend on homework, their chores, what games they can play or not
play, what television shows they are allowed to watch, when and what they can eat and what they
are not allowed to eat, who they are allowed to have as their friends, what is allowed and what is not
allowed in every facet of their lives. All of us grew up with friends who had a parent who was a Six.
And we remember going to their home and experiencing how structured it was with all of the rules.
Of course, every parent provides structure and boundaries for their kids. However, each Enneagram
type will have different values they feel are natural in raising their children that tend to be based on
their personal ego needs and fears. A relaxed Nine typically lets kids do what they want. An
ambitious Three tends to push their children to excel (like a Three!). An intellectual, pulled back Five
tends to value education and can be distant with their children. A tough Eight does not respect
children being irrationally fear-based. Most people believe their values are the “right” ones -- the
right way to do things, and the right way to bring up children. It is important for everyone to
become aware of how their Enneagram type’s ego needs and insecurities bias their attitudes and
behaviors with their kids.
It is also important to realize that each of our children has his or her own distinct personality, with
their type’s specific emotional needs and sensitivities. With a Six parent, for example, you will find
that different children’s Enneagram types will respond differently to the Sixes natural sense of
structure. Some children’s Enneagram types might thrive in a highly structured Six environment.
Certainly, a daughter or son who is also a Six would resonate with a strong Six parent. Other types,
however, could feel frustrated, antagonized or repelled by it, particularly as they become older. They
might feel held back, that the parent is too overbearing, stifling, or controlling.
Typically, a perfectionist One would get along fine with a Six as both value order. A child who is a
caring, giving Two is always supportive of the Sixes needs. An erudite, self-sufficient Five is usually
highly respected by the Six so they tend to get along. However, a “don’t tell me what to do” Eight child
or acting out, emotional drama queen Four might be a handful for the Six parent. And children who are
Nines tend to concern and frustrate the Six.
Sixes might feel defensive or even offended if told their style of parenting was stifling the child’s
development. After all, everything they do is for the child’s best welfare. Like most parents, it is
hard to realize how we order our life is completely based on our own ego needs and insecurities. In
effect, our orientation is more about us than it is about what is best for a particular child’s individual
growth (which would be based on their ego needs!).
◆ RIGHTEOUS -- CAN’T ARGUE WITH A SIX
For Sixes, to the extent they have separated from their fundamental trust in Life, the more they will
feel a need to superimpose their will and control in what appears to them as a chaotic, dangerous
world. Also, the more distrust, the more anxiety within. Others including the children will notice,
and according to their Enneagram type will feel the irrationality of many of the Sixes’ concerns. But
that does not deter to the Six. It does not matter what you think. Whatever it takes is all that matters.
The innocent trap for Sixes is their belief that the whole reason they go the extra mile is to protect
those they care about. Of course, this is their very nature. However, the more inner pressures in
their personality, the more this motivation comes from core fears, inner insecurities, and distrust.
And that is when it becomes out of balance. In that case, they now help others because they cannot
stand to experience within themselves potential problems developing.
◆ CONTROLING CAN ACTUALLY DISTANCE OTHERS
Their actions for others are now partly due to their need to protect against experiencing their own
inner fears. “It is natural for me to protect your well-being. That is who I am. However, when I obsess about
it or become controlling, it is because I am protecting my self from experiencing that place inside that is
intolerable for me to feel.”
Of course, each parent becomes out of balance in the relation to what is best for their children based
on their own type’s fears and insecurities. But it is important that each of us learns how we do that
instead of acting it out unconsciously, or righteously.
Those that the Sixes have control over, including their children, usually come to realize the Sixes
projections of their inner fears onto the world. On some intuitive level, at some point a healthy child
growing up starts to grasp that the reason I have to take an umbrella today, or be home at a certain
conservative time, or that I cannot join my friends at their sleepover, or that I cannot play certain
sports, is more about my Mother’s (or Father’s) inner fears than about the potential threats. After all,
other kids’ parents are not so worried. The child may being to realize, “Even though she thinks she is
doing this because she really cares about me, sometimes it feels like her tight control of my life is more
about protecting herself than it is about connecting to who I am and what is best for me.”
You can imagine how growing up with a fear-based parent can affect a child. The child could either
learn to fear life by taking on a host of irrational fears inside of themselves -- fears that limit their
sense of trusting Life, or their own Self. Or with some children, they could begin to resent their
parent for controlling and limiting the expansion their life. Either way, these fears and resentments
can become a distortion, a lasting imprint or filter that affects and limits their lives as they grow up
Like with many Enneagram types, but particularly with Sixes (and perfectionist Ones), it can be nearly
impossible to talk Sixes out of their perspective in childrearing. Everyone would agree that, yes, it is
important to protect children. But where does the line stop? All parents struggle with this. When is
it helpful to allow your kids to safely gain the experience in life first hand, so they now know
intimately where their own line is? And when does it become negligence? Of course, you will never
have to worry about parents who have strong Six energy being negligent.
Sixes also can have a difficult time with completely trusting anyone with their children. For example,
some Sixes would never trust leaving their child with a babysitter. The Sixes might even tend to
worry about leaving their children with their grandparents.
Of course, many Sixes we know may not be so obsessive. Yet this is the human condition -- we all
tend to go over-the-top at times. This is simply areas where Sixes’ inner pressures could show up in
their lives. This is the value of the Enneagram, in objectively showing each of us where we tend to go
out of balance. This self-awareness enables us to step out of our ego and see it happening. It also
enables us to now to understand and experience what it is like for other people who are at the effect
of us, including our children and mate. Without this knowledge, we are stuck in our little world,
filtered by our unconscious insecurities and biases. So that we feel completely justified in our view
and priorities in life, even when we are out-of-balance, or when we distance or negatively affect
others.
Sixes’ Fundamental Distrust:
Rigid Beliefs & Values -- Us vs. Them -- Conspiracy Fears -- Paranoia
Each personality ranges from very healthy to very unhealthy. With Sixes, their inner pressures can
extend from simple concern, to worrying, to anxiety disorders that require medications to relax, all
the way to paranoia. This progression from healthy to unhealthy, to the most unhealthy in Sixes is
along a trajectory of how their personality deals with their fundamental issue of Trust.
Like most all types, the more separate Sixes are from their core Self, the more inner pressures that can
make the person unhealthy. And for Sixes, the more difficult it will be for them to perceive their
fundamental fears as unreal or unnatural. Of course, projecting one’s insecurities into the world and
onto others is universal -- we all tend to do it. Doing it unconsciously and righteously is when it
becomes a problem in a relationship.
In the Sixes case, these very real unconscious inner fears can make their concerns out in the world feel
so real that it can hard to objectively to see any distortion. So no wonder it can be difficult talking
them out of potential threats that they perceive as so real. Remember, as acute Mental types, Sixes
are amazingly clear in their perceptions of possible threats or problems. They naturally catch any
potential threat. It is their gift. But when it moves them towards the core of their insecurities
towards that place of pure Emptiness inside, it triggers emotional tension and inner stress that will
tend to grip their awareness. This is a survival mechanism -- their ego’s survival is based on avoiding
this dreaded place inside themselves. This is why they can be logically convinced that the level of
threat they interpret is real, no matter how out of proportion it may actually be.
This fundamental distrust tends to show up in those with strong Six energy in the following ways:
◆ BELIEFS & VALUES
If fear and distrust are your fundamental issue at your core, it makes sense that needing to feel secure
in your world would be of paramount importance to your well-being. This why Sixes fervently hold
on to cognitive frameworks -- their beliefs and values that make them feel secure and preserve their
sense of well-being. In fact, Sixes secure their inner world by adhering to those beliefs that, in effect,
serve to secure their outer world. Their beliefs and values tend to provide a simple, clear, water-tight
framework of certainty that, in the absence of Self, serve to literally anchor the Sixes world in an
otherwise rootless, chaotic universe.
Sixes in this way can be drawn to systems of belief that provide clear cut answers to life’s dilemmas
and potential threats. The more insecure the Six is, the greater the need to have rigid belief systems
that stabilize their inner world. They want answers that make them feel secure -- simple, compelling,
“black and white,” solve-the-problem answers.
It is Sixes, more than any other type, that become the True Believers in any system they adhere to.
They also could be drawn to fundamental teachings, movements, leaders and groups who have THE
answers. Of course Sixes would respond, given their core need for certainty. In these groups, the
answers are complete. There is very little nuance or room for doubt to grapple with.
Of course, everybody has a fundamental belief system in life. It is the nature of the mind to establish
some framework of beliefs to make sense of the world. So it is not a question of which belief system
is right or wrong. The focus is rather on recognizing the specific underlying insecurities and ego
needs that give rise to the need for a particular belief system. It is also important to then recognize
that the more insecure deep inside, the more likely the beliefs become rigid and righteous. The
person rigorously and righteously defends their beliefs because their beliefs defend them (from them
selves!) If a person is secure in their pure Self, anchored in peace and equanimity, they will feel less
threatened and embrace egoic differences of belief with more understanding and compassion.
Any personality type can become dogmatic, fanatical, intolerant, bigoted, unyielding, or narrow
minded. However, each Enneagram type will have a different motivation or insecurity that drives and
explains their fixation. For unhealthy Sixes it simply is Distrust.
To fortify this inner sense of security is why those with strong Six energy also tend to be drawn to
groups, institutions, and causes that stand for their values. There is strength in numbers. In
identifying with these groups, the group and its message become an extension of the Sixes’ own self.
The group leaders and members become like “family” to the Six.
Whether it is a religion, a civic club, a political party, a life style, a race, nationality, a rebellion,
military unit, or just the people they work with as a team at their company, or the company itself -those with strong Six energy in their personality tend to become the loyal members and guardians.
They are natural guardians and supporters because identifying and being part of a tribe fortifies
themselves deep inside.
However, it plays both ways. With their core distrust in life inside, Sixes are the ones that join groups
but they are also the ones who might not trust groups, movements, gurus, religion, or even the
government. You can see how the lack of certainty can rule their lives.
Sixes also are the ones who fill both sides of the spectrum. For example, as natural Conservatives,
Sixes might feel threatened by those who are different, who could pose a threat to their values. They
can naturally wish to conserve or preserve traditional values. The “politics of fear” is the Sixes mode
in reelection campaigns.
Other Sixes, however, might identify with the disenfranchised as Progressives and take an equally
strong stand in protecting minority rights. Whether it be gays, transgendered, racial minorities, poor
people, immigrants -- whatever group the Six as a natural guardian identifies with.
Sixes can be the fundamentalists who believe in their God, and yet they also are the fixated atheists
who do not trust religion or religious leaders or the irrational. Sixes also can believe strongly in
“family values.” A strong, traditional family bond and marriage between a man and a woman
provides for Sixes the natural foundation for true security.
Sixes are the first line of defense as protectors of their tribe who feel it is an honor to serve, and if
necessary, die for their country. They are incredibly valiant and honorable. And Sixes are the antigovernment activists and militia that do not trust government. Sixes are the ones who support the
powerful, wealthy, privileged 1%’ers, and they are the activist 99%’ers who do not trust corporate
greed, and instead fight for the welfare of the poor. Sixes are the management in the company who
do not trust the unions, and Sixes are the Union organizers that do not trust the corporation. Oh my.
Although it is human to identify with people of your same tribe, interests, values, or even class, you
can see, however, that in the Sixes’ world this can become an existential threat.
So you see how real differences, and change, can be perceived as the enemy of all that has been tried
and true in one’s in preserving one’s secure tradition. That is why Sixes might not trust change and
want us to go back to the seeming innocence of earlier times. At the same time, other Sixes are the
ones that fight for what is evolving in society that better provides for the tribe -- the right for gays to
marry, transgender rights, climate control, and population control with Planned Parenthood and the
freedom of women’s reproductive rights.
◆ US vs. THEM
This fundamental lack of trust is also why Sixes tend to make a distinction between those that are
“us” and those that are “them.” The “us” are those that the Six identifies with who share the same
loyalties (and fears). These are the people who make up their “family” that they truly care about. It is
based around their mate, their children, and those in their extended family, and extends out to those
that share the same ideology and values.
“All the people like us are we, and everyone else is They.”
Rudyard Kipling
The “them” are those who oppose or somehow could pose a threat to the values or beliefs that secure
the Sixes lives. It can extend to those who look different than me as with different races or dress
styles to those that have different beliefs. Even a family member or other relation can become “them”
if they betray a Sixes’ trust or pose a threat to the Sixes fundamental values.
As Mental types, it is Sixes’ nature to live in their head constantly scanning the environment for
differences. As security in the ego is the motivating force, it is natural for Sixes to pick up any
difference that could become a threat. And it is the natural discerning faculty of the Mind that does
so. It is the mind that evaluates, judges, compares, differentiates, and discriminates as it scans for
potential threats and pleasures as the primary survival mechanism of the ego. This is completely
different from the primary Heart energy, which naturally unifies and harmonizes.
Look at the difference between the Heart energy Twos in the Enneagram and Mental energy Sixes.
Twos experience life through the prism of their compassionate heart. Their nature is to love, to
embrace, to unify with others. This is also their ego need. Sixes naturally have heartfelt feelings, but
when they are in environments that could be threatening, they will tend to move away from their
heart and into the protection of their discriminating minds.
You can easily recognize the contrast of these two fundamentally different energies in your self.
When you feel a loving heart connection with someone, you may notice the person’s faults but those
deficiencies or limitations do not dominate your experience of that person. However, for others who
do not like that person and whose hearts are closed, those same faults will stand out and dominant
their experience, and in their evaluation of the person. That person becomes a “them.”
Those who become a “them” can generate strong feelings. “I don’t trust . . .” or, “I don’t like . . . loud
mouths, selfish people, needy people, users, show offs, misers, vegetarians, southerners, blacks,
whites, Jews, Muslims, Catholics, atheists, Hispanics, Asians, Japs, Germans, Americans, women,
men, fat people, gays, transgender.
For each Enneagram type, the real reason for these feelings (90/10) will tend to line up with their
particular insecurities. That person/those people trigger the person’s 90’s or sensitivities. With
Sixes, their ego fixation on security can cause them to project their fears onto others who are different
from their values, which in turn serve to provide internal certainty.
Of course, no matter what Enneagram type, it is natural to stand up for people that you identify with
or care about. However, people of each Enneagram type do so in response to their type’s fundamental
ego needs and insecurities. What you lack in your Enneagram type, you can be just as insecure in
your desperate need for that quality outside of yourself. This happens to be the Sixes’ agenda.
Certainty and security are what Sixes lack, so of course they would be scanning for that and drawn to
needing that outside of them selves. Their ego fixation on security would naturally cause them to
project their fears onto others who are different from what gives them “certainty” they crave. Their
very well-being depends on it.
As you can see, however, it is healthy to be able to see through the projections and judgments. The
more that each of us are able to see how our deepest insecurities can infiltrate, skew, distort, and
determine our attitudes and belief systems -- our political beliefs, our religious beliefs, our moral or
immoral beliefs, our attitudes about family, intimacy, money, children, even war -- the more
conscious we become, the healthier we become, and the wiser we become. The sin is not in having
our beliefs -- it is human to do so. The sin can become when we are righteous about them. And in
being in denial of how they can be used unconsciously to protect our own inner insecurities.
This is the value of the Spiritual and Inner Enneagram -- providing an objective system that enables
us to see through the illusion of our ego-filtered awareness. In this way, we are able to understand
differences, and each person’s underlying reasons for them. This enables us to keep our hearts open
and have compassion for each individual’s need for certain beliefs and values that serve them. It
does not mean the other person is right. But they are not necessarily wrong. For all of us, these
deepest insights can help us keep our hearts open and guide us forward towards wholeness
(holiness).
◆ CONSPIRACIES
The more sensitive Sixes are to those scary fears deep inside, the more they will distrust the world.
This is why those with strong distrustful Six energy in their personality are the ones who are prone to
see conspiracies in life. In the face of a potential threat, some Sixes will be convinced that there is
treachery behind the events that are playing out -- personally, locally, and globally. That is why they
can question everything.
Conspiracists themselves tend to be Sixes. In the face of tragedy, they question the standard
explanations for unfolding events. It can be surprising how many conspiracy websites there are out
there, and how elaborate they are in substantiating their particular theories. And there is no talking
them out of their beliefs.
For those unfamiliar with the range of conspiracy theories that are out there, according to Wikipedia
the most popular conspiracy theories include:
• September 11 World Trade Center Attack
Even though Al-Qaeda terrorists have claimed responsibility for the attacks, there are many
websites and believers who can describe in elaborate, scientific detail how the United States
government (or the Israelis) orchestrated and carried out the attack by setting explosives within the
structures of the trade centers that caused the Towers to come crashing down.
th
• President Barack Obama’s Birth Certificate is a Fake
• The New World Order
There is a group of international elites who control and manipulate governments, industries, and
media organizations worldwide. Different groups have at times been identified, including the
Trilateral Commission and the Illuminati.
• The 1969 Moon Landing Never Happened
It was a hoax orchestrated by NASA. It was all done on a man-made soundstage. Check it out!
There is even the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting conspiracy theories on the web.
Of course, any Enneagram type can come to believe anything. So believers in conspiracy theories can
be of every personality type. Like with all beliefs, it is the specific underlying sensitivities and
insecurities in their personality that determine “why” they are drawn to those beliefs.
◆ INDECISIVE
Given the Sixes need for certainty, you would not think they would be indecisive. But for many
Sixes, their internal bar for certainty can be so high that they waver at times in what direction to go.
So they do not sometimes trust their decision will be the right one. Should I buy this one or that one?
Should I go this way or that way? Do you think I should. . .? They typically can feel that they need more
information before deciding. Their questions, questions, and questions before making a decision can
drive their partner (and the sales person) nuts. This can also be true for those with a strong wing or
line to Six.
◆ PHYSICAL HEALTH
The biggest threat to one’s well-being is ill health. Sixes can become very fixated on potential health
problems. If any signs of health problems show up, they will go into action. And they can even
worry about what “will” go wrong, especially if preventative measures are not attended to right
away. Medical check ups for the kids, being thorough if a health issue arises, and fearing the worst,
all characterize many Sixes.
Of course, in the face of health threats, other personality types will jump into action and can worry
about loved ones. It is human to do so. This is simply the Sixes typical response.
Sixes inner security is fortified by their connection with those they care about. By taking care of their
partner, children, and families’ well-being, Sixes are protecting themselves from their amorphous
inner fears within themselves.
For Sixes anything that can go wrong, could very well go wrong. That is why they could pester the
doctor and nurses with questions, questions, questions, or directives that will ensure that every detail
is covered and attended to. Sixes can also be hypochondriacs in their excessive worry if any possible
“symptom” of a potential health problem shows up.
The fear of germs also can be grip Sixes. I know a Six who will not put down her spoon on the
kitchen counter unless there is a napkin or paper towel under it. At a restaurant, if her silverware
inadvertently touches the table, she will ask the waiter to replace it. Anyone could have those
concerns, but some Sixes are prone to go over-the-top in their fears of possible germs.
Healthy & Enlightened Sixes
Most Sixes, of course, do not live in constant fear and mistrust. They are as healthy as any other
personality type. Those with strong Six energy tend to be upstanding citizens, paragons of virtue and
wholesome values. Of course, like with all of us, you would probably not see the extent of their core
insecurities unless you lived with them, or worked under them. It is usually when we emotionally
depend on someone for our ego needs that our deepest insecurities are exposed.
Also, to remind you that core Sixes typically will have a strong wing or lines that express gifts which
can greatly modify their Six insecurities. A fun loving, happy, adventuresome Seven wing certainly
could cancel out some of the worrisome, serious Six and their fears of change. The objective Five wing
undermines the Six tendency to project irrational fears and worries. The ambitious Three line can
overshadow the contracted Sixes’ fears of expansion and change. And the peaceful Nine energy
relaxes Sixes’ personality and makes them much more harmonious to be around.
In our growth it is also helpful to understand what healthy Sixes are like -- to serve as guideposts. To
the extent Sixes are connected to their pure inner Selves, to that extent they feel secure in them Selves.
They utilize their natural Six talents in taking responsibility for those in their world, all without fuss.
And they do so without worry. Like we imagine Cary Grant would, and Mr. Responsible, Tom
Hanks.
As natural and intuitive problem-solvers, pure Sixes move everything in their life forward in a fluid
gracious, and effective manner. Reliably. Considerately. Generously. Their nature is to create order
and attend to others’ well-being without unnecessary drama or unhealthy attachment. Not out of
fear, but as an expression of their being and who they are.
Here is the determining factor: the more Sixes flow in their Essence, the less pressure and distortion
they experience within themselves. After all, their pure Essence is at peace, fully united and
connected to all of the Laws of Nature. In fact, Sixes’ Essence IS the very cosmic Intelligence
expressed in all of the Laws of Nature. For pure and enlightened Sixes, that is why trust is never any
issue. There is no fear inside the Self, just as it is not an issue at the deepest levels of creation. Trust,
or the lack of trust, only becomes an issue in the ego, when the Sixes are disconnected from them
Selves due to internal emotional churning.
Sixes without that overload of pressure or fear in their personalities will flow with life. See the job, do
the job -- innocently, without fanfare. And they naturally do the job well. They do whatever is needed
or called for, without ego attachment, or the anxiety of how it is going to turn out.
Look at the firemen and police who responded to the attack on the World Trade Center. They
naturally respond courageously, without thought in the ego. This is their pure nature -- selflessly
they respond in the face of life’s challenges.
In Enlightened Sixes, there is a fundamental trust in how life unfolds, and in their part in it. After all,
the Intelligence of Life knows more of what is needed for the necessary evolution of any system, or
for human beings -- certainly more than the ego of the Six would ever be aware of or know!
Disconnected from this natural “knowing” in their Self, Sixes might not trust this. So then it would
be natural for them in their rootless ego to belief that something has to be done a certain way or
something wrong will happen. It is the insecure Six that sees life’s challenges and problems as wrong.
What makes them feel secure in their ego must be “right,” and what creates problems and makes the
ego feel bad is “wrong.” This feels natural given the wiring of the body and ego for its survival. We
view Life through a filter according to our survival needs. However, the evolution of life that uses
challenges for evolutionary growth knows better.
The enlightened Sixes sense of Self, however, is anchored in absolute security at the core of their
being -- beyond the ego, where there is no change or threat of change. Their innocent experience
inside is of being the essence of all the Laws of Nature, the fundamental unbounded Intelligence in
Life that directs all evolution. This is their essential nature, this is their innate Knowingness from
which springs all thoughts and actions. And because there is no separation from this eternal Reality,
there is no separate ego to fear Life being any other way. There is only fundamental Trust in every
moment in the process of Life.
It is this inner Intelligence that naturally impels Sixes to act, and to act responsibly, with valor and
integrity, in alignment with cosmic law, as needed in moment-by-moment. This is the saint-like
nature of pure and secure Sixes.
As separation from one’s Self is the norm, however, this inner level of natural Trust must sound
enigmatic, elusive, pie in the sky, unrealistic to most distrusting Sixes. Yet as people consciously
evolve, this is their experience. It apparently is also the experience of so-called heaven. The
multitude of accounts of people who have clinically died and come back to life is perhaps a testament
to this natural Enlightened state.
Recently I read a number of best sellers by people who have died for a period of time and then come
back alive. They were clinically dead, without any neural activity that would enable dreaming or
hallucination, and yet they were fully aware the whole time. They never lost consciousness. They
were even aware of supposedly being “dead.” In this experience, they report an incredible,
unbounded experience of eternal Peace and well-being, and an intense overwhelming feeling of
unconditional Love enveloped them within Life itself, as the very nature of Life.
They also report in that state a direct knowingness of the inherent perfection of Life in its natural
unfoldment. On this higher level, all of Life is experienced without fear. And that is their universal
message: There is nothing to be afraid of. It is all Love. It is all for our Good.
This parallels the experience of enlightened souls who are fully united with their pure, inner Selves.
It is also the experience as people increasingly grow and become healthier. Look at healthy Sixes in
the world. The First Lady, Michelle Obama seems an example of the qualities of a healthy Six -- a
Princeton University graduate, responsible, integrity, gracious, with all of the natural instincts of a
great Mother and an effective corporate executive. In fact, you can see the healthy qualities in all of
the Sixes who have been First Ladies -- Hilary Clinton, Betty Ford, Lady Bird Johnson, Rosalynn
Carter, Mamie Eisenhower, and Nancy Reagan.
IDENTIFYING SIXES’ SPECIFIC CORE NEEDS
& UNDERLYING INSECURITIES
All issues are simply unmet needs. That is why in your relationship it is vital that you become aware
of each other’s core ego needs, and the insecurities that drive them. In this way, you can readily
make your partner’s emotional needs as important as your own. Remember, needs are not just
desires. If a desire is not responded to, it is okay. The person has enough of that quality within
themselves to move on. When a “need” is not met, the person becomes frustrated, upset, hurt, or
craters inside. Needs fill Emptiness of spirit inside, and are vital to the ego’s well-being.
In their relationship, Sixes’ core ego need is to make the world safe for themselves, their partner, and
family. Every detail matters, for anything can go awry in life, or become a serious problem down the
road. Heaven forbid. This “living in fear of the future,” planning for, preparing for, expecting
potentially the worst, is the wiring of a Six separated from his or her Self.
However, if your partner is a Six who has emotional needs and insecurities that you do not have, it
can be difficult for you to make them important. Why does it really matter? What’s the big deal? It can
be so foreign to you, that it does not make sense why he or she fixates on it. It sure matters to the Six.
In fact, Sixes very well-being depends on it. But what if your core ego need conflicts with your Six
partner’s -- now you are both in trouble. This is the whole reason for arguing, as people will fight for
their core ego needs. It is about survival -- the ego’s survival.
For each of you, when you fundamental ego needs are not responded to, it will generate tension in
you. The closer it moves you towards your Emptiness, the more upset you will become. At the core
of the Emptiness is intolerable primal Pain. People who are constantly triggered into that place inside
of them, they will want to get out of the relationship. It is just too disturbing, too painful, too empty
there in themselves to continue in the relationship. Whenever anyone says, “I just want out of this
relationship,” it is because they are way too close to this scary place inside of themselves.
So what is this place inside of Sixes? It is important to know. Not understanding or having any selfawareness of the insecurities that drive your inner pressures and emotional reactions in your
personality destines you to stay stuck in them. Without those awareness you will continue to act
them out. For why would they go away? A toothache does not go away. You can adapt around it,
but you remain miserable. And you make everyone’s life around you miserable. The same is true for
your deep-rooted insecurities.
This self-awareness is vital for a healthy relationship. It enables you to readily recognize the
pressures these insecurities generate in your personality whenever they emerge. So you can take
responsibility for them instead of acting them out unconsciously, or blaming them on someone or
something else.
This is also important for your partner. When your insecurities are triggered, it is natural for you to
justify them. After all, what you need in order to thrive in your world feels completely natural to
you. But those ego needs might not matter for others you are dependent on. So all your reasons that
you give when you are frustrated and upset at your partner, those reasons may not be significant in
their world. However, it is when you recognize the source of those pressures and needs inside of
you, and share that, it changes everything. Now instead of being righteous, you open up and become
vulnerable. You let your partner into your world of sensitivities, fears, and past experiences that give
rise to these feelings and needs that you are having.
The conversation completely changes when people own their tensions and the insecurities that drive
them. Now what it is that you are needing, and why you desperately need it in your life, starts to
make sense to your partner, whereas before it did not, no matter how many reasons you gave. Just as
important, your partner now, instead of feeling blamed or criticized for being different or not
responding, is realizing what this is really about deep inside of you. When people are feeling made
wrong, criticized or blamed for not responding to needs that do not even make sense to them, it
makes it all the more difficult respond, or even to care! The empathy and the good will tends to
evaporate.
However, when you open up your heart and share your inner world, it becomes a poignant
experience, an intimate experience of sharing something that really matters, and why. This is what
moves each of you in the relationship, when the other opens up this way. This generates empathy
and understanding. The person now cares in what you are going through. This is the motivation that
enables them to align to or make the effort to honor and respond to your world of needs.
For those who are Sixes, or those with strong connections to Six, let’s use the simple exercise below
taken from Chapter 8 for Discovering Your Core Insecurities -- your 90’s -- and the Core Needs they
generate. You can use this exercise each time something bothers you to discover, in your own words,
based on your past, what this is really about deep inside.
This is an important tool for uncovering and embracing the underlying needs and insecurities in both
you and your partner’s personalities whenever either of you become triggered in the relationship. So
instead of blaming the other who triggered the insecurities, this exercise enables each of you to begin
to see why you are so sensitive to this issue. As you engage in those wounded areas, you each start
to free yourselves. The process also makes it clearer together how to best solve what triggers each
other so it does not keep happening.
In this example of the exercise that follows, for Sixes, a common complaint is their partner not being
responsible. Sixes might then feel that I am pulling most of the weight -- housework, chores, money, trips,
taking care of the kids. As an example, let us suppose that it is the wife who is the responsible Six in the
exercise below, and to give you an idea of how the exercise works, imagine this is how she might
respond. (Notice that with real issues, each sentence stem would generate a whole narrative, not just
a few words to complete the sentence. This exploration and blow-by-blow account engages fully
with those insecurities and wounds that were triggered. The process is one of making sense of it all -bringing more awareness to what before was largely unconscious. This is what loosens its hold on
each of you.
EXERCISE:
FOR EACH ISSUE, DISCOVERING WHAT’S REALLY GOING ON:
YOUR CORE NEEDS & INSECURITIES
What’s this about for Me?
Why am I so sensitive to this?
Why does it really matter?
I. Discover What is Your Core Ego Need here?
Start with:
Why is that?
Why is that?
Why is that?
“What I’m wanting is . . . Because I need . . .”
“Because I need to feel inside. . .”
“Because deep inside I need to feel . . .”
“Because I have a Core Need inside . . .”
II. What is the Underlying Insecurities or Wounds that Drive those Needs?
Why am I so sensitive to this? What is the emotional tension in me about?
Why Do You Need That? “I need that because I’m uncomfortable inside myself . . .”
Why is that?
“Because it is hard for me . . .”
Why is that?
“Because I am very sensitive inside . . .”
Why is that?
“Because I struggle deep inside my self . . .”
Why is that?
“Because I am afraid to experience . . .”
I. Example Using this Exercise in Discovering a Sixes’ Core Needs in an Upset
1. “What I’m wanting is . . . for him to pitch in and help out more. Because I need . . . to have help so I
don’t have to do everything around here.”
2. Why do you need that? “Because I need to feel inside. . . support to get everything done! So then I
get to relax, too. And feel good that everything is now taken care of.”
A Six with a strong Five wing might have added, “Because I need to also have time for myself…”
3. Why do you need that? “Because deep inside I need to feel . . . that everything is handled, so it won’t
become an even bigger problem down the road.”
4. Why is that? “Because I have a Core Need inside . . . for certainty -- that everything is taken care of for
now. And won’t cause problems down the road. This is what allows me to relax from any anxieties. And it
makes me feel better.”
For each conflict, upset, or experience of tension in your relationship, run it through these simple
steps to discover what is your Core Ego Needs are in the relationship that gives rise to the conflict or
your anxiety. Note that there may be a number of core needs that emerge.
Use each sentence stem to elaborate more on each point so as to flush it out more fully (refer to
Chapter 8 for a fuller explanation). The more you talk, the more it will become clearer, to both of
you. Over time with different issues, you will each discover how many actual Core Ego Needs you
really have. You can also see how they line up with what the Enneagram says about your core needs
for your type, strong wings and lines, and subtypes.
II. Now Discover the Sixes’ Core Insecurities that drive those Ego Needs?
Now why does the Six have that ego need in her personality? Not everybody does! Why does it
really matter? Why are she so sensitive to this? What are the inner sensitivities and insecurities that
give rise to that Need in her personality?
1. “I need that because I’m uncomfortable inside myself . . . with something not being tied down and then
becoming a problem. I don’t like problems!”
2. Why is that such a big deal? A problem is simply something to be dealt with. What is the
overriding tension about? “Because it is hard for me . . . to relax if something could become a
problem for us. I can’t stand it. I realize for you, it’s not that big a deal -- that we will handle it if and when
it becomes a real problem. For me, if it could become a problem, then it Is a problem. That’s how uptight I
get. I think that is from. . . I learned early on in my life that. . . I have always been afraid of. . .”
3. Why is that? “Because I am very sensitive inside . . . that bad things happen. I hate even the thought
of it. I think that comes from as far back as . . . I can remember . . . and how scared that made me feel. I
learned that . . . “
4. Why? “Because I struggle deep inside my self . . . with a constant worry or anxiety that something is
going to go wrong. For me it is like . . .
I used to always . . . out of my fear that . . . And when that
happened, I always felt so . . . And the message I got from it was . . .”
5. Why is that? “It is Because I am afraid to experience inside my self . . . being out of control. Of
anything affecting our lives that could be going out of control. That would make me feel deep inside . . .
My whole life I work hard to avoid experiencing . . . So to avoid those feelings inside, I learned to . . . I
think that comes from . . . And it was made worse by . . . So when you do X , I can see that it reminds me
of. . . And that makes me have to feel this place inside where it feels like I am going to go crazy because. . .”
Each point is elaborated fully, for it is the story that enables the person to connect and fully engage with
the actual original wounds that create the insecurities and ego needs.
For every Enneagram core type, strong wing or line, or major Subtype one’s personality, most every
trigger, fixation, upset or argument always tends to come down to the same thing: “It is because I am
afraid to experience inside my self . X. . “ For each of the different types it is a different “X” that is
intolerable. For Sixes, every worry, anxiety, obsession, or need to control or question coming from
emotional pressure inside most always is to avoid feeling that place of Emptiness inside. It is
contextual: “I hate problems.” “I hate feeling something could go wrong.” “I can’t stand it when bad things
happen.” “I would hate it if the worst could end up happening -- that is my biggest fear.” “I am always afraid
of things being out of control.” Because each of these would make me have to experience . . .X. . . inside
myself.”
It is human not to like problems. But this core fear is the basis of the Six energy in one’s personality.
It is literally life or death for their ego. It is not life or death for other types (though something else is,
which the Sixes are not afraid of). Coming to grips with this in your personality is huge! “All roads
go to Rome” -- all upsets are driven by places inside that are intolerable to experience according to
your core personality type, strong wings, lines and Subtypes. The Inner Enneagram objectively
shows you where those areas are. So that you no longer get to blame others, or act those pressures
out unconsciously.
In every conflict, if the couple each does this exercise together (or alone), they discover what is really
going on. Instead of justifying their actions with superfluous reasons, they focus on their underlying
ego needs and insecurities that give rise to their conflicts. And in the process, each partner is finally
engaging within themselves to those sensitive, unresolved, painful areas that were triggered. As their
self-awareness grows, their burdens and sensitivities increasingly are untangled, sorted through, and
lightened up, as they restore their true Self.
This is how you discover why you become upset or shut down. With the self-awareness you can free
yourself of your limitations, distortions, and wounds. This is also how you deepen you connection
more fully to your Self. And deepen the intimacy and connection together in your relationship.
When each partner shares in this way in an upset, they take the blame off of their partner and go
inward into their own insecurities. This enables each of them to keep their hearts open and become
vulnerable together so the process becomes very poignant and meaningful. In doing so, it enables the
other partner to feel and care for the effect is has on the partner. This sustains and enhances the good
will, which is so necessary to make the adjustments together that will solve the problem that is
triggering those deeply rooted feelings in each other.
This process is just as important for the partner in order to feel what goes on inside their beloved Six
and to make sense of these underlying dynamics. As the partner becomes clearer of the Six energies’
Core Needs and the wounds that drive them, the impact on the partner is what ensures this
becoming a bigger priority. As a result, the partner becomes more responsive to the Sixes’ need. The
partner is now more pro-active, responsible, and effective in preventing problems -- not because they
need it, but because the person whom they care about needs it!
For Sixes, their fundamental Core Ego Need is simply to be in a relationship where all potential
problems are proactively handled. So the Six can relax. This is their ego need -- for certainty and
security. It can show up in a thousand different ways, but always comes down to the same Core Ego
Need. Of course, in a conflict there are usually a number of core needs and insecurities that are
triggered. And most always they come from either the core personality type or one of the strong
wings, lines, or the subtypes.
THE SIXES’ RELATIONSHIP
Sixes are ideally suited with a partner who appreciates their natural gift of taking Responsibility and
their values of being pro-active to avoid unnecessary problems. They need a partner who can align
to those values and respond quickly and effectively to those needs without resistance. The only reason
there are arguments with Sixes is because their partner does not get that. Or is not responsive to
helping out so the Six can some sense of relief from his or her inner pressures and relax more.
However, like most types, Sixes tend to marry partners who do not share their core needs. So Sixes
partners could perceive them as obsessing and worrying about details that do not matter, being
negative, judgmental, authoritarian, suspicious, uptight, overly disciplined, and morally righteous.
This can be difficult for others living or working with the Six, depending on their Enneagram type
ego needs and sensitivities.
In Their Own Words -Tensions & Difficulties These Couples Report in Their Relationship
It is the practical Sixes who initiate coming to couples therapy. If they cannot figure out how to fix
the relationship, they will readily seek expert help to solve it. There is no shame involved, they just
want it solved! In seeing so many Sixes and their partners every week, I have had the opportunity to
become familiar with their inner world of needs and sensitivities. Let me show you, using their own
words, what the Sixes say that they need in order to thrive in their relationship.
When a couple comes to see me, the first thing I do is ask each of them, “Going forward, what needs to
happen in this relationship for you to be happy and fulfilled?” I write each need, concern, issue down on
a marker board under the person’s name, using their exact words.
Afterwards, their lists are put in the computer as part of their records. So after so many years, I have
quite a file built up on every Enneagram personality type -- their core ego needs and underlying
sensitivities and insecurities in living together.
As one each points out all the things they want in the relationship, what I am really listening for, and
what I want you to look for as you read their statements, are these four fundamental dynamics:
1.
For each complaint or statement, what is it that they need from their partner -- their Core Ego
Need?
2.
Why do they need that? Why does it really matter, why are they so sensitive to that -- what is the
person’s Core Insecurity that is being triggered deep inside?
3.
Those insecurities generate sensitivities and pressures that show specifically where the person is
too sensitive or shut down -- that is, out of balance or “Over-the-top ” in the relationship.
This is the training for all couples -- to listen for the underlying needs and sensitivities that give rise to
their complaints. Knowing their Enneagram type, strong wings, lines, and subtypes helps to make
those underlying dynamics readily clear.
These items that I put on the marker board become the roadmap going forward. They reveal each
person’s specific core needs that will need to be met and the insecurities and pressures that will need
to be surfaced and resolved in order for the relationship to be successful. And, just as important, it
will show specifically where each partner is out-of-balance -- imbalances in their attitudes and
behaviors, beliefs and expectations that they each will need to be more aware of, and responsible for,
in their relationship.
In reading each of the items they report in this first session, you have to remember that not all Sixes,
or those types that are strongly connected to Six, will have each tendency, need, or sensitivity listed.
Those with Six energy can have strong countering qualities in their wings and lines that can cancel
out any one of these tendencies. And, of course, the more whole and unified the Six is inside
themselves, the less insecure, the less they need, and the less inner pressures in their personality. So
these issues would not then show up.
If you do have Six energy in your personality, or are in a relationship with a Six, then underline or
put a check next to each item that applies in your relationship.
At the beginning of the couple’s session, these are examples of what most all Sixes start with as the
most important things they want in the relationship (each item is from a different couple):
Better communication
Lack of communication
More Open Communication
Listen more. And not interrupt
Address conflicts and resolve as they arise. Things don’t get resolved.
How to feel heard with him
Talk to me. He shuts down.
Talk to him without him being defensive
Open up! – Substantial. Be Vulnerable
Communication is the most important item for Sixes.
Sixes view themselves as natural
communicators. And they are. If there is a problem, they are usually very straight forward,
articulate and clear about it (unless they avoid conflict with a strong line to harmonious Nines). For
Sixes, this is how you solve differences, problems, and issues -- you talk about them, and resolve them
together. If their partner is unable to engage in the conversation, or becomes defensive, resistant, or
emotional, or shuts down -- what is the Six to do? Living with the problem unresolved is the most
difficult thing for Sixes. Unconsciously, it becomes a burr in their saddle. The Six energy is usually
unable to relax in the face of unresolved problems.
Sixes are usually so clear about the problem, and who and what is causing the problem, that they
could easily come off as righteous, strident, controlling, domineering, unyielding. Any of which can
make their partner feel blamed or dominated by the Six. So when their partner stands up for him or
her self, interrupts, shows resistance, or shuts down -- now we have a problem!
If the partner has a strong personality or will, this can easily escalate into an argument. That is
because a Six without any peacemaking Nine or super rational Five or fun-loving Seven will not back
down. It is so important what it is the Six is arguing for, it makes so much sense to them, and it
actually helps the situation for everyone -- how could they falter and let things stand as they are? No
matter what it takes, Sixes will rise to that level of fight necessary to win.
You can see, for example, how this would be a problem for Sixes married to conflict avoiding Nines.
Nines tend to shut down when confronted. It is almost impossible for Nines to stay open when they
feel criticized, blamed, made to feel flawed, or made wrong. So they go numb, and tune you out.
The Nines’ inability to communicate, to open up and talk the problems through to resolution, drives
the Sixes nuts.
Many Enneagram types are sensitive to criticism or blame. So such an interaction with a Six could
easily, unwittingly, be interpreted as an attack (to their ego). It will tend to either escalate into an
argument or the partner shut’s down. In either case, they are not communicating together in an
effective or heartfelt way that will solve the problem or the underlying issues.
Fortunately, couples can learn how to discuss sensitive and charged issues in a safe, sensitive
framework. Where there is no criticism or blame. Where each partner feels heard, understood, and
empathized with and where both persons’ emotional needs are taken into account and valued. Such
a process leads to effective solutions that evolve and are established together, and then reinforced, so
that this does not keep happening.
Next, Sixes will say what they need resolved in the relationship. Typically they include some of
these:
More shared Responsibility
I’m pulling most of the weight - Housework, money, gifts, trips, job
More team work. I handle all annoying stuff.
I clean up = she does not
More help with kids, bills, house (I do everything)
More teamwork with kids – school, homework, projects
More chores and doing stuff together around house
More team work. I handle all annoying stuff
I ask him to do something simple – Huge
More Support!
Sixes are “see the job, do the job” kind of people. And it matters to them that those jobs are done early
on before they result in an even bigger problem that will have to be dealt with! The Six does not
mind doing the work, but there is a fairness issue. If Six has to take it all on, when do they get to
relax or focus on pleasurable things they would like to do!
Next, Sixes are reliable. And they need their partner to be reliable also! When you agree to do
something -- do it! And do it right. And within the time frame expected. They are relying on you to do so
as they are waiting to check that off their List. This is huge for Sixes, as evidenced in their third
biggest complaint:
Be Consistent
Consistent - Follow through
Not making excuses
Integrity
Follow Through
Trust him that he will follow through
Be more organized
This is why Sixes are naturally planners. Everything needs a plan that the Six can depend on.
Structure is natural for the engineer Six energy. It is how they naturally think and respond to life. It
prevents the emergence of potential problems. So of course they would need:
Plan more and follow through
Plan with finances. Execute it together
Long term life plan
Now look at how the Partners who are married to Sixes respond when it is their turn to say what
they need:
Not sweat small stuff, step back
I try to help at home – but not enough for her
She is a control freak
Too Demanding
She comes on strong
Keep bringing up past, won’t let it go
She (the 6) does not listen to me
Criticism – I don’t do it right
Loses her temper
She (the 6) can be really cold = difficult
Not fretting about my son day and night - She fears that he be safe
Expectations on me
Not concentrate on my faults
Not be judged or compared
Feel heard vs. judged
Compassion
More empathy
Greater sense of empathy
More considerate
A lot less negative
Less irritated with me
Not concentrate on my faults
Negative response keeps me from taking initiative
Please, No more complaints
Freedom – not be micromanaged or controlled
Emotional disconnect - I have to keep myself safe
Sixes are continually scanning for potential problems. The bigger the sense something could be
unsafe, affect one’s wellbeing, or is out of order, or could lead to a bigger problem, the more intensity
of pressure you can sense in the Six. They are compelled either to point it out or, if need be, take
control of the situation.
Even something as simple as a lovely Sunday drive, Sixes might not be able to relax and enjoy the
experience. Their focus could be on your driving, or the cars around you. Their comments tend to
draw attention to “what to watch out for that could go wrong” in the environment. Or what others
are doing that ARE wrong. For this reason, the Six energy can sometimes feel like a “buzz kill.”
Their focus and comments can come off as negative -- judging or criticizing rather than on what
would make it better -- which can take the fun out of the experience. From the Sixes side, they are
being positive and helpful by pointing out what needs attention to make the experience Better!
It is important to realize that Sixes always feel that they are being helpful in their comments, even if
they might come off as negative. There is a sincere desire in all Sixes to help you, and others. They
would naturally say, I point that out, or do that, because I care! They are surprised when you feel
frustrated or resistant to their efforts. Even when Sixes point out your faults, they do so to help You.
Why aren’t you more appreciative or more responsive to my efforts, they wonder?
When Sixes do not trust that you can handle a situation that really matters to them, they tend to take
control of it. Like a sergeant, or better yet, a General. After all, they naturally lead when it is called
for. Others might call the Six a control freak. When Sixes are in that state of mind, there is usually
nothing you can say to override the Six. The more distrust they feel in the way you are doing
something that is important to them, the stronger they might come on to ensure that it is done right.
And the more inflexible they can become. This is the righteous part of Sixes when they under
pressure. After all, they are usually right (in their mind). That is why, typically, there is no arguing
with a Six. You can try, but do you ever win?
The seriousness that marks the Sixes’ energy can make them appear cold in their personality. They
seem more worried about preventing or protecting against phantom fears than being emotionally
sensitive to or gracious with the person they are “helping.” This is hard for the Six to acknowledge.
In the Sixes world, they feel that they care too much! As with every type, it is hard to realize that
their efforts, attitudes and beliefs tend to be driven more about their own inner insecurities and needs
than their concern about the other. By securing their partner, or their kids, or society at large, in
reality, they are securing them selves inside.
So rather than feeling appreciative of the Six’s efforts, some people might feel stifled, overly
monitored, and controlled. Children growing up in a Six household may internalize the message and
become conditioned to see that life is something to fear. Or they may lose confidence in their own
ability to make decisions, learn from their own experiences, or navigate life given how much fear
they experience in their parent, the Six.
This can be a tragedy for controlling or righteous Sixes. In their attempt to take care of everyone’s
well-being, unwittingly they can end up distancing the very people they care most about -- their
partner, their kids, their family members, or friends.
You can see why partners of Sixes may also wish for:
Be more appreciative
Warmth Love Understanding
Deeper emotional connection
A lot more romance & intimacy
More affection between us
Romance and sexual intimacy
More intimacy and sex
Intimacy
Physical – intimacy (big)
Sex – have more
Of course, Sixes with a strong Seven wing to bliss, would want:
More Playfulness – spontaneity
More playful. Laugh!
The second most important issue that Sixes bring to couples therapy is Trust. In their words:
Complete Trust
More trust
Lack of Trust
Trust he is committed – so I can relax
Trust
Transparency
The worst thing you could do to a Six is betray their trust. If you do that, you are in trouble. It is bad
enough that they cannot trust you to take responsibility and do all the things that need to be done, and do
them right. But if you lie, oh my. Telling the truth is essential to Sixes. Hiding things from them, partial
truths, or not telling them everything, or worse, being dishonest with a Six are all completely unacceptable.
This is why Sixes always ask questions. In a relationship with a Six, it is questions, questions, questions.
Where have you been? What time did you pick up the kids? Where are you going? Why didn’t you . . . ? Where is
your wallet? Do you have enough money? Why are you home so late?
Truthfulness
Trust and honesty
Honesty
Communication with me -- not honest
Honesty – facets of all of the lying – I shut down
Being completely honest
Honest. Not lying
Can’t Trust partner’s decision making
The problem for the partner is that Sixes tend to ask questions like a prosecutor or a detective, where their
partner feels like he or she is on the witness stand. Sixes are not usually aware of these underlying
pressures that drive their questions. So they do not see why their partner can feel controlled, accused,
micro-managed, dominated, or distrusted.
Partners may also be concerned, what if the partner’s answer is not what the Six wants to hear? Oh, oh, the
partner is in trouble (again). So some partners might start to fudge on their answers. They do not tell the
Six everything, or they may frame it in ways that will make it sound more satisfactory to the Six. In short,
they try to say what the Six is wanting to hear. This drives Sixes nuts.
If a partner does straight-out and lie to someone with strong Six energies, the only reason the partner
would say they did not tell the complete truth (partners never say that they “lie”) is simple. It is because,
“You can’t hear the truth!” By telling the whole truth, partners do not want to have to deal with the
emotional drama, blame, criticism, disappointment, or anger that their answer might trigger in the Six. Of
course, this is a lame excuse for Sixes. Sixes are tough in confronting life. And they need you to be too. It
is hard for them to imagine that someone cannot deal with reality.
Of course, the worst of the worst for the Six is finding out that their partner is having an emotional or
sexual affair with someone else. For most all couples, this can be devastating, depending on their
personality’s core needs and insecurities. For Sixes and those with strong Six energies, however, this can
the deepest wound they could experience.
As security is their life-or-death issue, typically an affair is not something Sixes can readily just let go of or
maybe ever forget. It cuts to their core wound deep inside themselves -- like a knife to their heart. It is
incredibly painful and devastating for them. And confusing -- Why would you do that? After all I do for you
and this family! They have put all their eggs -- everything! -- into this basket in their marriage and family. It
provides a framework that is the foundation of their very being, and well-being. To have an affair
undermines everything. And it brings everything into question now! What is it all for if I cannot trust?
Many Sixes are ever alert even to the possibility of a dreaded affair developing. It is not that they do not
necessarily trust their partner -- it is that they do not trust other women or men who might prey on their
partner’s good will. That is why Sixes can expect their partner to completely disconnect any relationship
with their previous lovers. “Why would you continue to talk to her? Why would you need to ever email him?”
they ask. Why would you even still have their email address or contact information on your computer or cell phone?
From their side, many Sixes will tend to cut off communication with their past relationships when they
started the relationship with you. So why wouldn’t you do that, they wonder? We will cover this, the most
important of all issues, later as well.
For some of those couples that I see, having contact, or even the potential for contact, goes on the marker
board:
Her Ex-boyfriend
My ex-girlfriend
His Facebook page
Lastly, with Sixes need for security, these issues can arise:
Finances – feel financially secure
Security – bills
Sixes tend to be frugal. Especially those who are the Self-Preservationist subtype. Unless they have a
strong line to Seven or Three, saving money is more meaningful than spending. Unless, that is, the
spending is for something the Six really wants. This can lead to huge fights as Sixes tend to control
the money in the relationship. When Sixes marry those who love to spend (like the colorful,
fashionable and expansive Sevens and Threes), there can be fundamental tension.
Sixes always come into therapy wanting to establish Goals. It is important for them to establish a
plan in their lives towards specific goals. It is Sixes’ nature to plan in establishing security.
Establish Goals
Get on the same page with goals
Have a Plan
More Planning
Lastly, all Sixes tend to be Loyal;
Loyalty. “You’re in. You’re Out” -- That’s hard for me
This is part of the Sixes fabric of being. Loyalty establishes certainty. Sixes are loyal. They are loyal
to a fault, actually -- loyal to their partner, to their family, to their tribe, to their religion, to their
causes -- through thick and thin. And they expect, and fundamentally need, loyalty from their
partner.
It is sometimes amazing to see in couples therapy that Sixes will stay in a marriage even when it is an
unhealthy one, or they are receiving crumbs back. Sixes tend to marry for life, and that is all there is
to it. They will stay in a bad marriage, and never cheat, even when they emotionally are living on
empty (unless maybe they have a lot of cheating Three energy).
Even when their partner cheats, as hurtful as that is, and though they may never get over it, Sixes
tend to stay loyal. Hillary Clinton was loyal to her marriage with Bill Clinton. Huma Abedin, wife of
politician Anthony Weiner (alias “Carlos Danger”) has strong, Six loyal energy. Also New York
Governor Elliot Spitzer and his loyal wife Silda, Congressman Larry Craig and his loyal wife
Suzanne, Evangelical Ted Haggard with his loyal wife Gayle. And the list of Sixes and their partners
goes on.
DEALING WITH EMOTIONAL & SEXUAL AFFAIRS,
PORNOGRAPHY, LOVEMAKING IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP
I saved for last this most important topic for Sixes in a relationship. It is probably the most difficult
issue to address with Sixes, and for Sixes to encounter. Affairs can bring up such strong, intense
feelings with any Enneagram type depending on their individual core insecurities and ego needs. It
can also be devastating for One-on-One subtypes. But for Sixes this is usually the most threatening
and difficult thing that they could imagine having to face in a marriage, given their core survival ego
need for security, certainty, and trust.
Because an affair is so against their very essential nature, I wanted to first lay out the Sixes inner
dynamics in the above discussion as a basis for now tackling this issue. There is probably nothing as
difficult, damaging or painful for those with strong Six energies in their personality than having a
partner who cheats or lies. Sixes typically can step up and deal with severe adversity -- illnesses,
business failures, even death. But lying, deception, and the ultimate betrayal of their sacred trust by
being intimate with someone else, and being deceptive or lying about it -- that is the worst that most
Sixes can imagine. This is the most difficult thing for most Sixes to deal with, much less ever forgive
or heal from.
As you have seen, Trust is everything for Sixes, especially the more separate they feel from their inner
essential nature of security. After all, Sixes give everything in their relationship and then need to
trust that their partner is all in as well. Everything they are, and everything they have to offer is
committed to this relationship. They care unconditionally and give of themselves selflessly for the
welfare of their partner and their children. They freely take on every challenge or setback. They take
on their partner’s goals and dreams as their own. This natural, complete giving of them selves makes
sense to a Six, and they would have it no other way. So when they surrender themselves and their
hearts so completely, the worse thing they can imagine is finding out that their partner has betrayed
this sacred trust.
Sixes are by nature loyalists. They are loyal -- to their partner, to their family, and to everyone and
everything that they care about. When Sixes marry, they marry for life. No kidding. Through thick
and thin. Sixes rarely think of divorce. Sixes will stay in a marriage even when there is just crumbs
from their partner, and still not think of divorce. Nor will they ever think of cheating. Marriage is for
life. That is all there is to it.
Of course, a primary reason for this is Sixes’ fundamental ego need for Security. Their relationship is
the primary structure in their lives that secures them within themselves. Everything depends on this.
So the more secure they are in their relationship, the more secure they will be in themselves. For
Sixes, mutual loyalty and “family values” in their life-long commitment of marriage naturally
sustains that emotional security.
In order for Sixes to open up and surrender this most vulnerable part of themselves, they need a
reliable structure of commitment in order to give themselves completely. They also will need and
expect that from you, their partner. Their very emotional survival is dependent on this.
Of course, most Enneagram types have fragile hearts and can require this kind of commitment and
security as well. This can be especially true for those with strong connections to the emotional types
Twos, Threes and Fours who need their partner to mirror their worth. It can also be devastating for
those with strong One-on-One subtype energies, regardless of the Enneagram type. But as you will
see, each type’s agenda (their 90’s) will determine why they are sensitive to it, and why they need this
basic trust. And as you will see, it will become vital that each personality type discover the source of
their emotional reaction to enable them to resolve it within themselves. In this profile, this just
happens to be the agenda for those with strong Six energies expressed in their personality.
Given this natural way of experiencing life, for many Sixes it comes as a shock to discover their
partner has cheated on them, or has even lied to them. In their world, they could not conceive of
doing that, no matter how distant or unhappy one is in the relationship. It is not part of their DNA.
(If Sixes ever do cheat, it is not due to the Six energy, it would be due to their line to the deceptive
Three or expansion Seven energies, or if they are a strong One-on-One and cannot exist emotionally
empty in their relationship).
For Sixes, it is bad enough, seriously bad enough, when people lie or are ever deceptive about
anything. But to cross that line and have an intimate experience, emotionally or sexually, with
another person -- that is unbearably painful. This exposes their most vulnerable fears inside, and
thus their need for absolute Trust.
The betrayal can even be discovering their partner caught having a private drink with a woman or
co-worker. Or a private email to a person of the opposite sex without telling the Six. And especially
if the partner was ever in a previous intimate relationship with that person! Or if their partner is
secretively interacting with someone he or she is attracted to or having a hidden love affair with.
But usually the worst is when you add sexual intimacy, even if there is no real emotional intimacy
between the two. This can range from having a sexual tryst, or being with a prostitute, an escort
service, or going to a massage that includes anything sexual, to even having phone sex. It can even
feel like betrayal to discover your husband has been viewing pornography on the internet. Or
masturbating. All of these scenarios have created serious problems in couples I have worked with.
And any of these can be potential divorce issues for some Sixes.
Of course, these kinds of behaviors can become a major problem for partners of many Enneagram
types. We are interested here in exploring the Sixes’ emotional needs and the specific sensitivities
that these kinds of behaviors can trigger. The question for the person who discovers their partner in
any of these situations is to find out what is giving rise to the partner’s need for this behavior, and
what is the source of your own emotional reactions?
When you look at the situation objectively, free from any emotional meaning, it is what it is. If it
conflicts with your sensitivities and needs, and it would for most couples, then it is simply a problem
that needs to be solved one way or another. If it is your partner who has crossed a line or has been
deceptive, you both will need to resolve this so to insure that it does not happen again. To do so,
however, means that you both are going to have to uncover the underlying pressures and core needs
in each other’s personality that account for this showing up in your marriage. Whatever all led to
this will need to surface so that you both can understand the “why,” and work through those issues
together if this marriage is to continue with a Six.
Then frameworks will need to be established that enable complete transparency and openness so that
the trust can be restored. In a conscious relationship, why would there be secrets? Whatever those
reasons are, they will need to be resolved. Of course, it takes powerful tools and understandings that
ensure emotional safety for people to truly open up together and work through their unresolved
feelings and needs that emerge. Learning these safe process tools can be important.
The immediate focus is naturally on the person who betrayed the trust. But many times it is a twoway street. For many couples, emotional or sexual distance had developed that provided the opening
for an affair. Although that does not necessarily justify cheating, it can be important to discover what
factors led up to this, particularly from your partner’s perspective: How did it get to this? Have you
been responsive to your partner’s emotional and physical needs? What are the ways that you may
have been distancing your partner?
Most people would be upset in finding out their partner has betrayed their trust. Nevertheless, if you
want your partner to open up and let you into his or her sensitive world of emotional and sexual
needs so you can get to the bottom of it, it is important for you to take responsibility for your own
emotional reactions. You will need to discover the sources of all of the vulnerable feelings this has
triggered in you deep inside? Simply blaming your partner is a deflection. Whatever the insecurities
are that drive your emotional reactions, those sensitivities live inside you. And they have been in
there even before you met your partner. If you are going to fully resolve this within yourself, you
will need to discover what they are and process them through. You both have work to do.
How Sixes Try to Prevent These Problems From Ever Occurring
It is to avoid this kind of betrayal ever happening that many Sixes will set up boundaries of clear
expectations early in a committed relationship. Some Sixes will require that their partner cut off any
contact with all previous relationships that their partner has had. I have seen that with so many Sixes
in their relationship. Sixes can even demand that their partners delete and remove all past emails,
email addresses, and contact information from their computers and cell phones with anyone they
have had an intimate relationship with in the past. “Why would you want to stay in contact with someone
who you have had a previous intimate relationship with now that you are with me?” the Six naturally asks.
And if the Sixes’ partner ever does make a connection with a previous lover, or even responds to an
email, text, or phone message from one, and does not tell the Six, this can become a major, major
upset. Remember, Sixes core ego need is for certainty. For many Sixes, this is a potential dealbreaker as a betrayal of sacred trust. This is how sensitive and fundamental Trust can be for Sixes’
inner well-being.
Some Sixes can feel so threatened by any possibility of this happening that they might secretly check
their partner’s cell phone account and emails to be sure there are no potential threats. I have had
Sixes as clients who are computer savvy, who use technology that can trace or record all activities on
their partner’s computers and on their cell phones. A few use it on their teenage kids as well. They
usually feel justified in doing so, for the reason they do this is in order to protect their partner, or son
or daughter. And more fundamentally, they unconsciously protect themselves from ever having to
experience that intolerable place of Emptiness inside from their partner doing things that could harm
their relationship, or the kids harming themselves.
The Six energies’ sensitivity to Trust can also extend to monitoring, even controlling their partner’s
social life. For women, it can be bad enough for some Sixes that her partner goes out with the guys
(and if she feels that way, she probably does not approve of them, and they probably do not
particularly like her). But if the group includes members of the opposite sex who are single, that can
become a real concern. Or if some of his friends will be socially hitting on girls.
Some Sixes will even take over and not allow their partner to go out to any such situations. This can
happen even in situations where the partner goes out with or joins co-workers from work. And
especially if the co-workers include members of the opposite sex for lunch or for drinks after work.
It is important to note that these fears are not necessarily because the Six does not trust their partner
per se. It can be that they do not trust other women or men who could (and probably would, the Six
believes) entice their partner down a road that could lead to problems. For those Sixes, all of this
vigilance is well-meaning in order to protect their partner and their relationship together.
This is why their vigilance and response makes complete sense to them. And it better make sense to
you, their partner. From the Sixes point of view, why would you even resist doing any of this that they
are requesting? “Why wouldn’t you also want to protect our relationship,” they wonder? Any resistance
from their partner will probably send up red flags for a Six -- “Maybe there is something going on!”
That can be how Sixes read their partner’s reaction to their questions or concerns. If so, this then can
easily become a slippery slope.
Also, as Sixes have such clear memories, they remember every related event that has happened in
their past together -- what was specifically said, what was done. So whatever their partner says or
does now, if it does not line up with what they have said or did in the past, this discrepancy will
immediately stand out to the Six. This will then provoke more skeptical questions. Their partner’s
answers usually will bring even more questions. And then more questions which can become never
ending. Instead of resolving the underlying concerns, the questions can create even more nebulous
reasons for concern or alarm.
It is hard to deceive or lie to a Six. Even if it seems like it is just a white lie or a simple act of omission.
If you are the partner, if you deceive, withhold, avoid, you probably, and eventually, will get caught.
Given Sixes’ clarity, their perceptions are usually correct. However, their interpretation of what that
really means is skewed by their deep-rooted sensitivities. And like most Enneagram types, they rarely
are aware that their fear-based interpretation of what this now means, as well as their strong
emotional reactions inside, are in reality compounded from their own deep-rooted core fears and
insecurities. That is why it can be difficult to talk Sixes out of their reactions and fears -- even in
situations where their partner has done nothing wrong or had no intention of cheating on them!
Of course, for most people the possibility of affairs is a touchy subject. The threat of losing the love of
your life, the person you depend on emotionally, and possibly financially for your survival, who has
shared so many precious moments in your history together, who has been there for all that you have
achieved together -- to possibly lose all of that can be devastating! And if you have kids, more
important can be the destructive effect this would have on your children’s lives.
So this is something that requires both partners willingness to explore, discover, and take
responsibility for their actions that led up to this and with each person’s emotional reactions to it
(offensive or defensive) once it surfaces.
Most of These Emotional & Sexual Issues Are Due to Unmet Needs
As with all issues, it is important to recognize that sexually acting out and infidelity (or any lying)
becomes an issue due to unmet core ego needs. Each partner’s world is driven by ego and biological
needs. However, many times a partner’s needs are not “needed” by the other, or those needs are not
at all threatening to the other. For example, there are partners who do not have emotional needs for
monogamy. In that case, they are not upset at the idea of their partner having “affairs.” But those
marriages are a minority. Usually, if one partner is cheating there is probably a conflict of emotional
and physical needs at play.
Partners who cross this line and betray their partner’s trust certainly do so with some awareness of
the incredible painful impact this could have on their partner. Whatever compels their need, the
inner pressure must be so strong and gripping, so desperate that it overpowers their judgment. This
does not excuse it, but it does point us in the direction of the source of it that will need to be solved.
After all, not everyone has such an uncontrollable need to go outside their marriage for their emotional
or sexual needs to be met, even in that person’s particular set of circumstances. There must be some
place inside of them, a place of intolerable Emptiness that creates such overwhelming pressures to
drive these behaviors. Otherwise, why would they do it? Those are places inside where the person is
not nourished enough within him or her self. No wonder the person is so desperate. For everyone,
the more separate they are from their natural Self, the bigger the Emptiness or pressure within that
person, and the more compelling the Need will be. Such is the incredible gripping power of this
place of Emptiness inside all of us.
What are those core ego needs? It is going to be important to discover them. Reaching outside the
marriage to others could be an emotional need for more intimacy, or maybe the need to feel
appreciated or desired, or to feel powerful in the thrill of conquest. Or maybe it is hard to resist
someone who is kind and sensitive, a good listener who understand and empathizes. Or maybe it is
purely sexual -- a fundamental need for the release of strong sexual pressure. Whatever the source of
the pressure, it is coming from within the person’s 90’s inside.
With men, the need for sex can also have a physiological component. For many males, a purely
sexual affair or sexual acting out could be simply because the man is incredibly “horny.” Some men
have a strong sex drives -- a biological need for a sexual release of the unrelenting sexual tension. High
testosterone males can be saddled with an intractable pressure to propagate the species, a pressure that
few women would understand.
Possibly an unrelenting pressure that women can relate to is over eating. It can be difficult for many
women to maintain their ideal weight. For some, the cravings for food, particularly for sugar, pickme-up foods and drinks like colas and coffee, or numbing fatty and processed foods can be so strong
that they overpower one’s will-power to stop. Look at the obesity epidemic in the United States
where more than two-thirds of U.S. adults are overweight or obese. For those who do not have this
inner pressure, they may critically judge someone who is overweight. However, you can judge them,
even become upset at them, but to actually resolve it, this turn-ons will take uncovering the real
dynamics that create and sustain the problem.
Just as overeating is usually “emotional eating,” with sex addicts there is also a fundamental
emotional component to their need for “sex.” The biological drive for sexual release is also linked to
needs for emotional stimulation and fulfillment. If those emotional needs for intimacy are not being
responded to or fulfilled (from their partner or within themselves), it can be difficult for some people
to live on “empty.”
This does not necessarily excuse cheating, but it could be important to understand if the source of it is
primarily due to a unfulfilled strong and unrelenting sex drive and/or due to emotional distance in
the marriage. Partners who are not having a fulfilling sexual or intimate relationship may be leaving
themselves open to something occurring that could be hard to resist. Sorting these dynamics out will
be important in resolving those pressures together.
So for many couples, cheating and sexual acting out is not the real problem. It is usually a symptom
of something that is real inside which does need to be resolved if the marriage is to be mutually
fulfilling. Of course, given our insecurities, cheating can seem like it is the problem. It certainly needs
to be solved, however the process of resolving it can uncover deeper, more pervading “problems”
that have needed to emerge and be fixed together. Interestingly, in the Chinese language, the
character for Crisis, “wei-ji,” is popularly interrupted as Opportunity -- a crisis that in reality can
become an incredible opportunity. Literally, “ji” means a crucial point, when something new “begins
or changes.” That is what these potentially threatening discoveries in your relationship can become
IF you have these wiser insights and the tools that make it safe to open up together and resolve the
real issues.
Many couples find that the increased awareness that this whole process uncovers was exactly what
has been needed to move the transparency, trust, and intimacy to a whole new level of closeness. The
original discoveries were an invaluable “wake up call” that there are emotional and possibly sexual
needs that need to be responded to and met in their relationship together. The so-called “crisis”
simply surfaced the underlying dynamics that were the real problem that needed to be resolved, so
the relationship now can become far richer and more meaningful for both partners.
A Fulfilling Love-Life Together:
The Difference Between Having “Sex” & Making Love
Is Your Lovemaking Fulfilling? Do You Make Love Often?
For many couples, a partner pursing additional sexual opportunities can be a sign that they are not
nourished in their love life together. If a couple is not making love often, and I don’t mean having
sex together but making love, they are missing an important dimension of emotional fulfillment and
intimate connection in what a loving relationship uniquely can offer. The lack of this heartfelt
intimate experience together leaves somewhat of an emotional vacuum. Couples can be great
“mates” in handling all of the logistics together with the mortgage, jobs, kids, family, but there is
nevertheless something missing. This underlying void in their lives is what can also make some
partners susceptible to someone else who is being kind, sensitive, and attracted to them.
Interestingly, sex alone may not fill that void. One of the most important things that I have learned as
a man and as a sex therapist is the distinction between having “sex” and making love. As a man, and
like most men, I thought having sex was making love. I learned this important distinction years ago
from a Australian mystic, Barry Long.
We know that people can have sex without love. But that is not making love. They are completely
different experiences. When people make love, in surrendering their connected hearts together, they
open up to intimate, fundamental life-force energies that are magical to share. On the other hand,
when they are with someone that they hardly or do not even know, so that the open and vulnerable
heart connection is not there, there is no “love” to be made. They now need a fantasy substitute for
love by engaging their sexually-charged imaginations in order to get “turned on” emotionally and
sexually. Either the act will need to stimulate some highly charged erotic fantasies or it must provide
some emotional semblance of feeling desired or loved that they can project into the act to give it
meaning. Yet now the source of the intense pleasure is coming completely from up in their heads.
People’s imagination can indeed generate intense arousal and pleasure. That is why someone can
have sex with a prostitute or escort that they do not even know. Or have phone sex. Or become
turned on with erotic photos over the internet. The experience is meaningful as long as it stimulates
the person’s private “turn-ons” in their head. This is why people will say: “Sex is all in your head.”
This may be true if you are looking for just sexual gratification. Erotic imagery and intimacy fantasy
substitutes for love can generate strong, pleasurable feelings. Intense, yes, but the source of the
experience of pleasure is not the same energies that you experience when you are making love. Most
people know this, and they can tell the difference. They have had sex, where it was just “sex.”
Where they turned each other on without connecting to love in their hearts at the core of their being.
So they know what that is like.
Most people have also had the magical experience of making love in their life. Here the experience of
sexual union and mergence was based on opening up their hearts together into a celebration and
expansion of their love. For many this experience happened when they first fell in love, where his or
her slightest touch was ecstatic. And when they first made love, their hearts were so open, that it was
love that directed and dominated the whole lovemaking experience, not sex. They savored each
moment, without any goals or fantasies. It was not just about sex. It was much more magical than
that.
When you fully surrender your mind, your heart, your body -- all of you, at your very being together,
you open up to natural, powerful, exhilarating, intimate, transcendental Life-force energies together.
These fundamental energies are the yin and yang forces of the Universe that are being united here.
That is why it makes you feel so complete deep inside. This is not in your head, nor in your
imagination from sexual turn-ons. This is much more fundamental, pure and natural than that. With
full awareness, this union is one of the most fulfilling experiences a couple can have – uniting within
your very Self and together.
The whole purpose of lovemaking is to consciously unify these fundamental life force energies in your
emotional and sexual connection together. This full, conscious union between the masculine and
feminine poles of the Life produces the experience of ecstatic wholeness inside. This is the essence of
adoration and of completion. It is why individually, the masculine and the feminine energetically are
so compellingly drawn to each other, to being in love, to feeling fully connected to one another.
It is also why something magical happens in pure lovemaking. When two people share intimate
sexual union in conscious lovemaking these transcendent energies connect, expand and ultimately
unify their souls. They expand you both into a divine love that is greater than your selves. Not in
fantasyland as substitutes for love and arousal, but with a real person, experiencing the real deal.
It is only when we surrender our hearts in the spiritual union of sexual love that we open up to these
most intimate, exalted energies. Actually, we can open up so fully together that we transcend all sense
of separation -- with each other, as well as within our selves. Whether it is for ten minutes or an hour,
in that timeless union together we feel fully complete within our souls. It is in true LoveMaking that we
can expand our consciousness into this experience of emotional and spiritual Oneness together.
This is why religious traditions around the world teach that sex is inherently a spiritual process.
Religions hold it that these are fundamentally spiritual energies that couples are opening up to. They
also teach that in order for couples to feel safe enough to fully open up and surrender their hearts and
bodies so completely, they will need the trust and security of marriage first. For couples who know how
to make love in this way, the process becomes a spiritual practice -- a sacred path to wholeness
together.
Just purely physical or erotic sex that is based to whatever degree in your imagination does not
provide the vehicle for this spiritual mergence. Surprisingly to many, sex focused on turn-ons can
actually impede access to the deeper, more fulfilling forces in nature that make the experience so rich,
intimate, and transcendent together. But then you really knew that -- you can tell the difference.
I imagine for many couples, just like with me growing up, having “sex” was all they know. It is also
my experience with couples who lack this awareness together of how to attune to these more intimate
and fulfilling dimensions, that over time, many will start to have sex less often. The article on my
website describing these dynamics is titled, “Why Couples Do Not Have Sex More Often.”
This is what prompted me to formalize and teach The LoveMaking Process so couples can easily gain
these awarenesses. People also can purchase the book on my website. Fortunately people can readily
learn this natural orientation that shifts us out of the mindset of just “sex,” and move us into an
entirely new frame of making spontaneous love. The LoveMaking Process , a simple manual, shows
couples how to restore that innocence together.
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So if your partner is having an emotional or sexual affair, acting out sexually with others, or using the
internet for sex, then the question you will want to ask is: How satisfying and regular is your love-life
together? When both partners’ hearts are full and their bodies are nourished with these natural
energies together, the “dessert table” of other so-called treats lose much of their appeal.
Solving Sexual Issues Together
Let’s say you have discovered your partner has crossed an important boundary and hide it from you.
In recognizing there must be unmet needs driving this behavior, your task now is to discover what
this is really about for your partner. It is also important that you recognize that whatever
emotionally upset feelings you could be feeling are coming from your own human insecurities. You
want to be able to own them instead of projecting them on to your partner.
So what is the cause of this? You want to find out in all honestly what all has led him or her to do
this? What would cause someone who is married to go outside the marriage to meet unmet
emotional or sexual needs? Regardless of the issues involved, the person must be desperately
hungry. None of this excuses the behavior, but you are looking to uncover what is the root cause of
this. That will help you determine what course of action or resolution is best for each of you.
If it is an affair, you first want to find out if the partner has found someone they want to now
exclusively be with and therefore get a divorce? In most all cases the answer is no. It is usually that
the other person or event simply meets a need. It is just “sugar.” It is not a real relationship.
But, of course, in most cases the only reason it tastes so sweet and was so appealing is because the
two of them were just sharing the icing of the cake together. They have been experiencing only the
best in each other. Because they do not live together day in and day out, nor expose their deepest
insecurities and dependencies, they have not had to deal with each other’s shadow side. So for most,
an emotional or sexual affair is simply acting out more of a fantasy, an infatuation. Something that
fills up a part of them that has been dormant. And feels wonderful, enough not to stop.
If this is all it is then this incredible crisis becomes an invaluable opportunity to move this dormant
intimate relationship to a whole new level of true intimacy and partnership. Maybe it took this to
wake you both up to finally focus on and uncover the root causes in your relationship that have led
up to this. And those causes usually can be solved. And they need to be solved, and have needed to be
solved for a while. It took this series of events to thankfully come to grips together to solve what has
happened in your relationship that has created the emotional distance. Enough distance that it make
your partner susceptible to an affair, whether emotional or physical.
But here is typically where the process breaks down and can lead unnecessary to further distance in
the relationship. This initial discovery about your partner can trigger such deep emotional
insecurities (90’s) in you -- feelings of betrayal, distrust, anger, profound hurt, and fears of the reallife consequences -- that you become overwhelmed in your upset feelings. So the interaction becomes
accusations, blame, resentment, and anger -- a natural venting of the incredible inner pressure that it
all triggers. All of which, unfortunately, tend to undermine your efforts to resolve it or restore the
broken sacred trust. In doing so it also makes it more difficult to get to the bottom of what is really
going on, to sort it out together, or truly solve.
The immediate effect of a meltdown is also that now the person caught will probably not truly open
up and honestly share all that has happened. Or feel safe to explore what it is really about, which is
necessary to really solve this. Instead, when under attack, they tend to skew what they say in order
to protect themselves (and you) from creating even more damage from upsetting you.
This is usually true for most Sixes. Their typical emotional reactions can make the process more
difficult if not impossible to solve. First of all, if the Six has a meltdown, their emotional reaction
tends to make it even more difficult to discover “the truth.” Sixes’ partners usually are afraid of the
Sixes’ rage or coming unglued. So the partner could easily tend to fudge, deceive, or deny what
really happened, and why.
Of course, Sixes can smell a lie or deception from a mile away, so their partner usually ends up
digging a hole in whatever they say. This makes it even worse. Now the Six is convinced the partner
is hiding something terrible.
The Sixes typical way of solving any problem is asking questions. In this case, due to the severity of
the issue, there will be questions, more questions, and more questions. The problem for the partner is
that each answer simply inflames more upset feelings, and then more questions for more details! It
never ends. And it only gets worse. From the partner’s point of view, Sixes when threatened become
like a predator courtroom prosecutor. Never ending questions that, in effect, set you up in order to
get you in trouble. There is no winning. There is no resolving. There seems to be no answer that will
make the Sixes’ hurt and pain go away. Or restore the trust.
That is because the Sixes’ questions are focused on the 10%. They want to know all of the details of
the actual events. What happened? What did you do? Then what did she do? Did you do this…? Did he
do that…? How long did it last. Why did you…? Partners, however, learn that their answers only make
it worse, so they deflect, deny, minimize or shut down and refuse to respond. Or they go on the
offensive themselves.
If you ask the Sixes’ partners why they do not tell everything, their honest point of view is this. They
can immediately sense when they should not tell their Six partner the truth -- it is because “You can’t
handle the truth!!!” (Which can be true about many Sixes). It is the partner’s experience that when
things do not line up with the Sixes’ values, the Six tends to become upset, critical, even hostile. If
whatever they say will only make it worse, or be forever used against them, you can see why their
partners will say as little as possible so as to avoid further upsetting the Six.
It turns out that knowing all the details (the 10%) does not quell the Sixes pain, and can easily deepen
the sense of betrayal. Let’s assume that you already know the partner cheated, now the question is
why? The details that will make the difference and enable you to see if you can solve this is
Discovering the 90’s -- what is this really about.
For each of you to open up, become truly vulnerable together and let your partner into your inner
world, where you both explore what the experiences deep inside that give rise to this current
situation. That is meaningful. It is helpful to use the simple frameworks above for exploring each
other’s 90’s, and being able to make sense of, validate and empathize with each other’s up bringing,
insecurities, wounds, distortions, fears.
None of this excuses what each has done to generate this situation, but it helps to open up together
and feel it and understand it, to discover for example, what is the emptiness and need the Sixes’
partner has been experiencing that compelled this? Where does it come from in his or her past? And
how have the Six or both of them unwittingly exacerbated it? In this way, back and forth, you
discover each person’s part in what led up to it.
That will move things forward. Not justifying what you did, or deflecting it, or avoiding
responsibility for it. All of those are true red flags. No wonder the Six is afraid to trust again or
becomes even more upset. It is these deeper, sincere, heartfelt understandings that will enable each
of you to grasp what happened, and why. This level of open, honest, transparent sharing is what will
slowly engender trust again.
In this intimate process, you each will then wonder, “Why didn’t we do this before?” This is the type of
sharing, connecting, understanding, growing and re-aligning together that was needed in the first
place. If you both were doing this, why would an affair ever emerge?
This process uncovers the data and insights that will enable you to solve this together. However, if
the Sixes’ partner never opens up, never discovers the underlying needs and insecurities that
compelled this behavior, why would those pressures go away? Of course, they could simply go
underground. But that would be the Sixes worst nightmare. That could mean that this could
possibly happen again.
Compare this to the other anger-fueled approach, that if the “punishment” is so severe and makes
such an adverse impact, the partner would never dare do it again. Maybe… But I am concerned for
the collateral damage. If you never open your hearts and together sincerely resolve the core of this,
the angry impact on each other could easily leave a “bad taste in each other’s mouths.” It would
leave a scar, a bad feeling that would linger deep inside, where it can affect the innocence of your
heart and your ability to fully surrender again.
Fortunately, couples can learn frameworks that enable them to open up, share vulnerably together
and get to the root of their issues and needs. So the process becomes a healing one that brings them
closer together as they grow together as human beings and as a couple. In later sections we will
cover these frameworks and tools for you to use.
SIXES TEND TO MARRY . . .
People who are drawn to Sixes admire the Sixes’ natural ability to take responsibility for the smallest
of details to make their lives better. Sixes themselves can be drawn more to peaceful Nines than any
other Enneagram type, particularly female Sixes. Of course you will find Sixes married to each of the
nine types, however Nines have an important quality that Sixes find attractive-- the ability to relax.
The easy going, emotionally steady Nines, unlike Sixes, do not worry, obsess, or become upset. It is so
refreshing to the Six to be with someone whose nature is good will, and steady, with no drama. Sixes
hope that the Nine’s relaxed nature might rub off on them, and help balance their anxious tendencies.
It is also a draw for Sixes to be with someone who is compliant, who will do things the Sixes’ way.
Sixes tend to wear the pants in the relationship, whether they are the man or the woman. Strong
Sixes like that the Nine lets them run the show. Sixes are gifted in their ability to recognize
everything that needs to happen, minute by minute. They carry enough pressure as it is, so the last
thing Sixes want is a lot of resistance from their partner that just gets in the way. After all, Sixes
know that they are right in everything they do, or in what needs to be done. If you do it their way,
there will be less hassle, and it will work as it is suppose to. So why are you resisting?
From the passive Nines perspective, it is really wonderful to be with someone who is so responsible
and takes care of all the details that need attending to. Nines hate that kind of stuff. It is simply too
much effort. Their core need is to maintain as much peace and relaxation inside themselves as
possible. So they tend to tune out the potential problems, details, or needs around them, and let
things slide. The Sixes’ take-charge energy perfectly complements the natural, laid back Nine.
The good news is that Sixes and Nines are compatible in these ways. Like most couples, they each
fundamentally need what the other’s natural gifts are. They are compatible, however, as long as the
Six is fine not depending on the Nine to take on much responsibility in their lives together. This is
important for female Sixes. Unless the Nine has strong wings or lines to the motivated perfectionist
One, the highly motivated Three, the responsible Six, or the powerful Eight, the core Nine nature is to
tune anything out that does not give the Nine pleasure -- especially chores, or unnecessary planning
ahead, talking about feelings or conflicts or problems, or do anything that requires too much energy
or emotional intimacy.
This inertia, numbness, and passivity can drive a Six crazy. It ends up meaning that the Six has to do
everything! This can be especially hard for women who feel like the man should also shoulder
responsibilities and take care of the myriad of details in running a family, besides just bringing home
his paycheck. But look at the Nines point of view. Why focus on things that do not really matter or need
to be done right now? A typical complaint for a married woman Six to a Nine is, “Now I have to take care
of four kids -- my three children and my husband.”
The ideal match with Sixes and Nines is when the Six prefers to do everything herself or himself. That
way, they know that it is done, and that it is done properly. They take it all on as their natural role in
the family, and they do so happily. They would rather do everything themselves, their way.
However, for those Sixes women who work a full time job, take care of the kids, have to do all of the
chores, plan and take care of everything in their lives, and in addition meet everyone’s emotional
needs without much help from their Nine partner -- that usually means trouble can brew in the
relationship.
If you are a Six in a relationship with a Nine, then be sure to read the Nine’s Enneagram profile in
order to gain more understanding and insight into what is needed to make the relationship healthy.
The more you understand the Nine’s world, the less you will judge them critically. You will still
need to learn how to interact with Nines in ways that empower the Nine to help out. Nagging,
complaining, criticizing, judging, blaming does not work with most Nines. As they tend to shut
down, it only tends to get worse over time.
Sixes who are married to perfectionist Ones is a relationship that works as they both respect each
other’s values and ability to get things done as needed. To avoid conflict there needs to be a mutual
agreement on who is responsible for what. When those expectations are not aligned, tensions can
result, as both Sixes and Ones are each always right. They are also both strong enough to stand up
for themselves in a conflict. When their natures are aligned, this would seem like a natural pairing.
Sixes married to giving Twos would seem like a great match. I do not ever see them in couples
therapy, which may be a good thing. Twos offer the loving heart energy and Sixes offer the
responsible mental energy, which complement each other. They each are honoring to the other’s gifts
and naturally responsive to what the other needs. Sixes tend to take charge, which is okay with the
Two as long as the Two feels valued and appreciated. The downside for the Twos is that Mental
Sixes are not usually heartfelt, so they may not share their feelings of appreciation freely (unless they
are a One-on-One subtype).
Sixes and achiever Threes also complement each other. Think of Barack and Michelle Obama, Hillary
and Bill Clinton, Bob and Elizabeth Dole. Sixes appreciate the Three’s natural leadership qualities
and their high motivation and initiative in making things happen. And in contrast to the Sixes
mental nature, Threes express the emotional triad energies which bring out the heart value in Sixes.
From their side, Threes appreciate that Sixes “have their back.” Threes are always all about
expansion. They love that Sixes naturally take care of all the little details that need to be handled in
their wake, which enables Threes to pursue bigger and bigger projects.
Sixes, however, are naturally conservative and realistic in nature. Their fear of change can sometimes
feel like a buzz kill to the Three’s expansive nature. And for Sixes, Threes’ nature to withhold
anything that might upset the Six will lead to trust issues. Withholding anything, deception, or lying
are inexcusable for Sixes. Three’s downside is their deceptive nature. Also, the Three’s natural
flirting nature and their need for emotional attention from others of the opposite sex can lead to real
or imagined trust issues for the Six.
Sixes and artistic Fours are a curious match. They certainly complement each other. Creative Fours
are the most emotional of all types, and Sixes are the most sober, practical, and responsible of all
types. Surprisingly, I do not ever see Sixes married to Fours in couples therapy. But I do see Six
Mothers or Fathers who have a child who is a Four. That is a very difficult pairing, like mixing oil
and water. The non-conforming, emotional drama-queen Four child needs much love and attention.
When they act out (and they will) their emotional tensions, they are seeking an empathetic response
and emotional support. That is not Sixes typical response. Oh oh.
Mental Sixes’ first response is “children need to follow rules.” And the frustration of the parent
towards the child can feel cold, like being chastised. The Sixes’ nature and ego need are to be
conventional, rational, and responsible -- which are completely unlike the Fours nature. Fours need
to stand out, contrary to accepted standards. And Fours seem to thrive on “negative attention.”
Getting your attention is the bottom line, even if it means creating a crisis or a lot of drama, or going
against convention. This is not easy for Sixes to accept or appreciate.
If Sixes and Fours are a good match as partners, it is because they complement each other and both
respect the gifts the other brings to the relationship. They will particularly value each other if they
both share an appreciation for the same arts. Sixes can be very artistic or love the arts, especially with
music. And Fours’ nature is an aesthetic world.
Sixes and intellectual Fives are both Mental energies. This would be a fine pairing as both values
what the other brings to the relationship. But then, as both are Mental types, where is the emotional,
romantic energy going to come from? It is like Dr. Spock, the Five in Star Trek, marrying the
equivalent of Captain Kirk. Maybe neither needs it that much. They express their love in what they
bring to the table -- someone intellectually fascinating and someone who is a practical thinker. Also,
the bond is increased if the Five is a One-on-One subtype.
Sixes and fun loving Sevens are an interesting match. They both are Mental types, and yet they are
opposite personalities. Sevens love to laugh and have fun, and they thrive with change and
adventure. Sober, serious, worrisome, anxious Sixes can seem anti-fun. They can find it difficult to
let go and be playful (unless they have a strong Seven wing). And they do not trust change or
adventure. But that is why the Six would be drawn to the Seven. How wonderful to be with
someone who laughs and is fun! This will balance the Six.
But, and this can be a big but, Sevens optimistic, Pollyanna nature can wear on the practical Six. And
Sevens are great with new ideas, but usually are terrible at the follow through. Especially when the
project or enterprise starts to become difficult or boring. Sixes, on the other hand, plow through
everything, no matter the obstacle, and they think their mate should do that as well. So the Six ends
up taking on all of the details to assure they are done. And may resent having to do so. Lastly, Sixes
plan, and Sevens hate plans.
Sixes and Eights are also an interesting pairing. They each are strong willed, grounded in practical
reality. As such, they respect each other’s gifts and can work well together. But who will be the
Boss? Who wears the pants in the relationship? Both are used to being in charge. And who backs
down when needs or values conflict? Eights don’t, but Sixes don’t either. Eights cannot be
dominated or controlled. If they both respect and value from each other’s natural roles and division
of responsibilities, this can be a great pairing.
Of course, in all of these pairings, each person will probably have some strong wings and lines that
add to and modify some of these qualities and differences. This will change the dynamics that I have
just described. So you will need to read each of the profiles of your partner’s core type, wings, lines,
and subtypes to determine which qualities, needs, and insecurities stand out in your relationship
together. Then you will see whether they blend together or if they conflict with each other.
Can you see in all of these pairings, even when they are opposite in nature, how much they
complement each other? This is true for most every Enneagram type and their partner. You are
drawn to someone who is different from you. In fact, your partner’s gifts are the very qualities that
you need to develop in your self! They are exactly where you need to grow in your personality to be a
more complete and holistic human being. The Six needs to be able relax like the Nine. They need to
be in their heart more like the Two.
For example, Sixes need to risk more, and expand more like the Threes. They need to break out of
mind-numbing conformity and express themselves more creatively like the Four. They need to get
out of their heads and feel the incredibly rich inner depths that Fours naturally experience. They
need to be more objective and non-attached as the Fives. They need to have more fun and laughter,
and experience the adventure of life as do the Sevens. And they need to relax which is the Nine’s
nature.
On the other hand, Sixes’ partners tend to need what Sixes offer. That is why they are drawn to them.
So these differences in your personality are a positive thing in a relationship. The problem, as with
all type pairings, is each types’ qualities tend to be driven by inner pressures (ego needs and
insecurities) that at times go “over-the-top.” This will tend to overwhelm the other person. A Nine
can become to passive and laid back so important responsibilities are left undone. Sevens can be too
Pollyanna and undisciplined in their pursuit of fun and optimism. Fives can become too remote and
cerebral. Fours can become too dramatic and emotional. Three’s nature is to be expansive,
sometimes without a practical or realistic foundation. Of course, each type would evaluate Six as
over-the-top in those ways that counter their ego needs.
This is why it is important in a relationship for each personality type to recognize where they become
out-of-balance. Each partner needs to discover the inner pressures and insecurities that drive their
emotional needs, and work together to bring them to peace inside. In this way the relationship
becomes the catalyst for each to grow. This is also why relationships are the best place for people to
evolve. That is, IF you have the skills and tools that make the process together safe and empowering.
Without self-awareness and safe processes for resolving these incredible pressures together, it can be
hell as you trigger in each other, and blame each other for, your deepest insecurities.
FOR SIXES TO GROW
There is so much to appreciate about the Six energy, given how multi-talented the dimensions of their
personality are. “See the job, do the job,” is a maxim they naturally live from. They notice all the
relevant details that will ensure the success of any endeavor, and they do a competent job in
whatever they focus on. They are selfless in their efforts to help people and in how much they care
and take on for others. They effectively achieve whatever they set their mind on. They are very
bright and intelligent. With their engineering mind and their natural, practical “street smarts,” they
can solve any problem. They are also strong and stand up for what they believe is right.
They are the first responders who go into danger for the good of others. They are the defenders of
society in the military and in the police. They are the nurses and EMT that respond to any
emergency. Within themselves, they are the essence of the Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts in the values
they live by. They are the responsible and moral citizens in any society. With all of their natural
talents, they are the glue that holds society and the governance of society together.
It is incredible to have so many admirable qualities as your nature. So where could Sixes need to
grow? The growth for everyone, in every personality type, is in strengthening their natural
connection to their pure, wholesome Self. All personality types need to become more and more a
reflection of their innocent true Self. This simply makes them more endearing, more balanced, at
peace, truly secure, and fulfilled deep inside themselves.
For Sixes in particular, as long as you are trying to secure your inner world by securing everything,
and everyone, in your outer world, you will find it is a never-ending battle. Is it possible as a Six to
ever control the world enough to sustain the feeling of security, or to ever feel certain enough to
sustain inner Peace? Will your outer constant efforts enable you to ever come to trust Life? Saddled
with these insecurities, why would these underlying pressures ever go away? They haven’t as yet.
Of course, the only way to free yourself is to go within.
This takes gaining awareness -- self-awareness that leads to an intimate familiarity and confidence of
one’s own precious essential nature. Also, just as important, is one’s awareness of the insecurities
and pressures in his or her personality that contract and limit themselves as well as others.
There is no better place to deepen this awareness then in a committed relationship. The reason is this:
the more that you open up your heart in love, the more exposed are your deepest insecurities,
dependencies and unresolved needs and issues. All of your emotional wounds and dependencies
since infancy and birth, in childhood, adolescence, and in your previous love relationships are
exposed when you open your heart and depend on someone for your emotional needs to be met.
It is one thing if you live alone where it can be easier to avoid confronting your inner issues. But in a
marriage or with a family, it is easier to become triggered. Whenever you become frustrated or upset,
however, it can easily feel like it is other people’s fault. So you could become righteous and blame
them, or shut down and put walls up around your heart.
All of this is a trap -- a projection of your own insecurities. As long as those insecurities and
pressures in your personality remain unconscious, you remain a prisoner, completely at the effect of
them, destined to act them out unconsciously. You suffer unnecessarily, and everyone dependent on
you suffers. Now is your opportunity to turn your committed relationship into a vehicle for growing
and healing each other together.
Everything in Your World Feels Like It Is Reality
Every Enneagram personality type feels that their perception of the world is Real. How could it not
feel that way? In reading about each of the Enneagram types you are now realizing that each
personality has its own filtered reality. Life is experienced through the narrow lens of the ego, which
determines each person’s experience. That is why different people can interpret and respond so
differently to the same situation. Some might find a given event pleasurable, whereas others could
find it aversive as it triggers their underlying emotional sensitivities.
As Sixes’ nature is to express the fundamental organizing quality of Life, their ego filter is scanning for
what needs organizing or firming up in their lives. This is their Gift. When connected or unified
with their pure essential nature, they feel secure within themselves, and with all of Life. They
express this talent innocently, harmoniously, and in balance to the situation at hand. However, to the
extent Sixes are disconnected and separate from their inner sense of security, to that extent they will
unconsciously experience a primal fear in life. And whenever any situation points them towards that
ultimately terrifying, empty place deep inside, they naturally contract inside. The potential problem
now feels “real” to them.
Yet, this perception of life is skewed. It is a distortion. This fear that drives Sixes most always is not
real. I know it feels real. And sometimes it even feels “scary” in all that could go wrong! That is
because, like everyone, they have experienced something terrible in the past that was real. At one
time in their life, especially from birth and the first years of life when infants, babies, and small
children are most fragile, whatever overwhelmed them was real then. You may not remember them
now, but the experiences or deprivations in childhood that were way too much for the
impressionable nervous system to integrate without being overwhelmed were scary. And those
threatening emotional experiences left real imprints in the brain’s architecture -- unprocessed pain,
fear, grief, anger or resentment. On into adulthood, layer upon layer, each new experience simply
compounds the original split in consciousness, and the primal wound is deepened. As a result, their
hypersensitivity and anxiety is increased, deepening their foreboding and distrust, and thereby
skewing their expectations and fears.
For everyone, if their ego filter is laden with insecurities, those wounded areas of hypersensitivity
will distort reality. So, of course, whenever they sense a similar event even could happen, they will
experience the threat as real! The deep-seated unresolved, emotional wounds are re-stimulated, and
the tension from those unconscious, original feelings emerges. Those are real feelings! However,
they are the “90%” -- the original imprints of craziness and pain -- we have talked about that are
emerging. Those tensions are not from the triggering current event (the 10%).
The fear feels real, but in many situations it is “fear of the future” or a “fear of repeating the past.”
Those are localized in the ego, not in the world. It is not real now. In any case, that is probably what
your partner would say if it results in an argument together. In actuality, what is happening now
(the “10%”) is just triggering those amorphous inner fears (your 90’s).
So real are these underlying, unconscious, amorphous fears, it can be very, very difficult for Sixes
even to recognize if there is a distortion in the meaning they attribute to their perceptions. In fact,
those fears become embedded in every aspect of the Sixes personality -- their beliefs, their attitudes,
their expectations, their needs, and in their skittish or controlling behaviors that tend to show up with
the Six energy. And as a result, this all feels completely natural in their world -- that their
interpretations are indeed the natural order of things.
In many of the worries and values of the Six, there are other Enneagram personality types who do not
have those fears inside. People can have completely different views and evaluations in life than the
Sixes. Views that others, in turn, feel are “natural” and real in their world.
"People suffer because they are caught in their views. As soon as we release those views, we are free
and we don't suffer anymore." -- Thich Nhat Hanh
Each Enneagram type’s world is completely different as it is driven by different essential gifts, core
ego needs and insecurities. As an example, let’s contrast what Sixes experience as natural in their
world with the experience of the peaceful nature of Nines. Unlike Sixes, Nines are not threatened by
disorganization, the lack of planning, or distrust of what could go wrong. Nor do the consequences
matter as much to Nines if things do go south and become a problem. It is just is something to deal
with then, if it happens. Nines live in the present, not in the past or the future.
It is also Nines’ essence is to harmonize differences, not scan or focus on them. It is more important
for them to blend with others rather than stand against or create unnecessary divisions. That is why
they tend to bring everyone together. It is also why Nines typically do not feel threatened by others’
religious, ethnic, or political beliefs or values (unless the Nine has a strong line to Six!). Live and let
live is their nature.
And unlike Sixes, Nines fundamentally trust the unfoldment of Life itself. Trust is their very inner
nature. In moving through the River of Life in their individual boat, Nines fundamentally feel in
themselves One with the River Currents. This trust, in embracing all of life, is their natural Gift. In
their world, there is no sense within themselves of separation or distrust from the cosmic Intelligence
that evolves Life. These are the very forces that direct the Nine’s boat forward in its evolutionary
journey.
This is because Nine’s essential nature IS Nature itself. That is why Nines love being out in nature -in the pristine forest, on the ocean, in the mountains -- where all of the laws of nature work together
perfectly. This is Nines’ being. They intuitively know at in their core that everything works out as it
will be. It just Is what it Is. This is why Nines do not sweat the small stuff. And it is all small stuff.
These differences between Sixes and Nine’s nature is illustrated in the following quotes by the
popular television preacher Joel Osteen, who as a gifted Nine reaches over seven million viewers
weekly. His vision and peaceful nature is an inspiration to many.
“Quit worrying about how everything is going to turn out. Live one day at a time.” Joel Osteen
“Why not be happy while God is in the process of changing things? After all, there’s nothing
we can really do to make it happen any faster. We might as well relax and enjoy our lives,
knowing that at the appointed time God is going to bring his plan to pass.” Joel Osteen
Given their core insecurities, you can imagine how some Sixes might scoff at something like that.
Nor does the typical Six energy in the ego trust the Nine’s perspective on life -- just ask them. From
their side (and it can be true), the Nines’ fundamental ego need for “peace” and “harmony” can cause
the Nine to easily tune out real dangers and necessary responsibilities.
Nevertheless, it is true that when people (and Sixes!) feel completely secure within themselves, and in
life, they experience a Basic Trust that enables them move with the currents of challenges in life. And
for those enlightened souls who feel that Oneness within themselves, there is an ever-present natural
alignment to Life, moment by moment, in whatever is being called forth -- whether it is peaceful or
painful. There is not the foreboding as their sense of security comes from within, from their intimate
connection the cosmic, wise River Currents of Life. And not from an emotional reaction based on
fears in an insecure ego.
“Have patience. Wait until the mud settles and the water is clear.
Remain unmoving until right action arises by itself.” – Lao Tzu
In this natural state of connection to Self, there is no need to distrust, control, react with drama or
righteousness, criticism or blame, or with constant questioning or with anxiety. If there is an obstacle
in life to be solved or planning that is needed, it can be done so wisely, graciously. Whatever shows
up, is handled naturally and responsibly, to the best of one’s ability. And wherever in life those
efforts fall short of what was intended, that is the very process of learning and evolution that is
natural in the growth of the soul. This is how life and humans evolve. Then each event, in and of
itself, is just Is what it Is.
Most Sixes you know probably have enough connection to Self to strike some balance in these ways
in their lives. After all, their fundamental nature is the organizing principle of life. The more in tune
they are to that within themselves, the more this secure “knowingness” flows naturally.
Nevertheless, it is also important that each type has a blueprint, a guiding framework that will enable
them to see what their personality is like when free of the natural distortions of their ego type.
✦ So in Order to Grow
See Through the Illusion of “Problems”
It is certainly not that Sixes are wrong in their perception of what could be done to establish more
security or wellbeing. Sixes natural ability to be pro-active, responsible and effective is a Gift. Their
conscientious attention and multitalented nature serve to protect everyone from pitfalls and
unnecessary obstacles. On the other hand, like with all Enneagram types, the Sixes underlying
insecurities and pressures in their personality tend to skew their interpretation of the potential threat
of what they actually perceive. As a result, their core dreaded fears and sensitivities could easily
cause them to go “over-the-top” in their response or in their caution.
From the Sixes perspective, however, they naturally wonder why their need to get something done
that helps or protects everyone from potential problems is perceived as over-the-top? Particularly
when it will enable everyone to relax knowing that everything is secure and taken care of -- how
could that great feeling be over-the-top?
From the Sixes perspective, they are not the one with the problem -- all of you who let things slide are
the ones with the problem. In their relationship, when their partner disregards what needs to be
done, it is the partner who is now adding extra pressure and work onto the Six. Now the Six has to
take responsibility to make sure that it will get done. Or the Six will have to clean it up if it does
become a problem (which is exhausting!). What’s wrong with my partner?
No wonder in their relationships Sixes naturally think -- We who are responsible are not the ones who
need to grow -- You Are! With all the responsibilities that they carry on their shoulders, Sixes naturally
feel that they are the ones who wear the white hat. The more you appreciate that, and more
importantly, the more that you help out, then everyone would be happy!
Like most personality types, it can be difficult for them to see that there is any distortion in their
interpretations of what needs to be done or what is needed to stay on top of it. And it may not be. As
Mental types, their minds and perception are so razor sharp, it is all clear to them. However, if their
interpretation of the level of threat is distorted, even then it can be hard to talk them out of it.
As with most all Enneagram types, when Sixes gain this self-awareness and are able to recognize
when their insecurities distort their interpretations, expectations, attitudes, beliefs, and behavioral
patterns, it can make all the difference in a marriage. When Sixes in their marriage can own their
bias, “Maybe I am being a Six right now,” this does not mean that their perspective is wrong or not real.
Instead, it shows how sophisticated they are in their self-awareness to realize the underlying
pressures, anxieties and tensions that affect their experience of their reality (and their partner!). More
importantly, by having these awarenesses, this becomes the basis for freeing themselves of the
unnecessary anxiety and inner tensions they live under.
“Peace is present right here and now, in ourselves and in everything we do and see.” -- Thich Nhat Hanh
It is a real strength of this orientation of the Enneagram that it lays out these dynamics objectively for
each personality. And does so with so much detail and clarity. It would be difficult to gain as much
awareness on your own, so embedded are people in their world. It is also makes it clear that the
pressures and insecurities in a person’s personality are not personal! The distortions in people’s
personality are not their fault, any more than having asthma or Type One diabetes. Your ego is born
wired a certain way according to your Enneagram types, and the difficult experiences you go
through have taken their toll and have affected your personality. This is human.
With the Spiritual Enneagram, you come to realize that who You really are, as a spiritual being, is not
faulty. Any more than having allergies makes you a less loveable human being. There is nothing
inherently wrong with the nature of the ego. Like the body, it is an incredible instrument.
Enlightened beings have an pure ego that express their essential nature. However, a lens with
smudges on it naturally will distort the pure light reflected through it. It is not the fault of the lens. It
is not the fault of the body to have diabetes. Nor is it the fault of the ego to be saddled with
distorting emotional wounds. It is human to have insecurities that create imbalances in our
personality.
It is only when you will not take responsibility for your allergic reactions or your diabetic condition
that creates an untenable situation. When you are not willing to recognize and these issues, or you
are not interested to learn about them, or discover the source of the tensions in your personality or do
something healthy about them -- what then? If you steadfastly remain unconscious, defensive, and in
denial of your insecurities and the ways they affect others -- that is what becomes the real problem in
your relationship with those that depend on you.
We all need to have the knowledge of these dynamics -- to develop and strengthen that part of the
brain that sees through the illusion of our filtered reality, even when we are triggered. That takes
practice. The more you study, reflect on, and deeply understand these dynamics in your personality,
the more clearly you will see the distortions and imbalances whenever they show up.
Advanced Topic:
The Essential Nature of Sixes Reveals the Illusion of Distrust
The more clearly Sixes understand the roots of their filtered reality, the more readily they can see
through the illusion. In this case, grasping the nature of distrust can help them to dismantle its hold
on them. The Spiritual Enneagram uniquely offers this clarity.
As you recall, in the beginning of this profile we outlined from the Eastern wisdom traditions the
three cosmic Forces of Nature that give rise to all manifested life called the three gunas -- sattva guna,
rajas guna, and tamas guna. The fundamental nature of the Six energy is rajas guna -- the “regulating
force” that maintains balance in the other two contrary forces of Nature.
On one hand, sattva guna is the life force that propels change in its constant push towards expansion
and evolution of life. On the other hand, tamas (originally “darkness”) guna is the catalyst, the
counter force of destruction and impedance that counters and challenges change, and appears to
retard evolution. It is the natural role of rajas guna to maintain balance of the two contrary forces to
sustain as much equilibrium as possible, moment by moment, throughout the entire Universe.
In this tradition, these cosmic forces are at the basis of the physical universe and with the evolution of
consciousness. In every group effort, there are forces (people) for change going forward and there
are contrary forces (people) who act as catalysts that work against change. Then there are the Sixes,
whose nature is to keep the system in balance. The Sixes nature is threatened on one side by the
natural sattvic force in nature towards change, evolution and expansion. Sixes do not like change. It
is threatening to their rajas nature for maintaining the status quo of balance. On the other side, Sixes
hate problems, the forces of impedance, disorganization, and destruction of equilibrium constantly
expressed in tamas guna.
These tendencies in Sixes are not just rootless qualities of their personality. They are expressions of
the very being of Six energy. As such, no wonder these tendencies are fundamental to the Sixes’ sense
of well-being. And no wonder Sixes become anxious when they are unable to maintain well-being
and prevent problems, in either direction.
In Reality, however, this is only a “problem” in Sixes’ ego. It is not a problem in Life. These contrary
forces are precisely how every life system evolves. There is a fundamental force for change going
forward. There is always a force (or someone) that is against, who becomes an obstacle, who is a
threat, a catalyst. This challenge is the very dynamic that will focus our attention, and as a result
clarifies, strengthens, fortifies, and propels the movement towards more effective change going
forward. What challenges us makes us stronger and wiser in the end. And it makes us more
effective in the future. Ultimately every step is perfect, what is precisely needed going forward, even
as destructive as it might seem at times.
The major movements in history such as the fall of Rome, the fall of the British Empire, the Protestant
reformation, the Islamic Spring are the play of these three fundamental contrary forces in the
evolution of Life. This is how conscious human life and civilization evolves.
When Sixes are fully at One with their transcendent Selves, they move with these dynamics
intuitively, naturally, without attachment (or worry!). The wisdom of Life lives through them, in all
of its evolutionary perfection. However, the more separate the ego is from its fundamental nature,
the more likely Sixes in the face of potential threat will experience that place of fear inside their
Emptiness -- a fear of being out of equilibrium, out of control deep inside. But typically this fear and
anxiety is all happening in their head, in their imagination. Particularly if others in that same
situation are not bothered as much by what is upsetting or motivating the Six.
Yes, it is important to note that what is happening in any given situation could cause problems.
However, when seen from the Big Picture in the map of Life, it is just another purposeful challenge in
the evolution of life to engage in. The questions for Sixes to be aware of: Are the pressures of anxiety
or the need to control coming from insecurities and attachments that are being triggered? If so, that
is what you want to see through.
When Sixes understand and realize this, as they become clear and rooted in this, they find this
realization hugely liberating. They can finally relax, and move with Life instead of trying to control
it, fight it, be afraid of it, distrust it. The anxiety dissipates. Increasingly, Life just Is. Gaining this
self-awareness is their path to enlightenment. This is their life-long task, to see through the illusion of
distrust.
The more disconnected a Six is inside, however, the more difficult this realization will be. It just
won’t make any sense. In fact, it can be very difficult to talk a Six out of their concerns and worries.
Instead, they will give you rational explanations or responses that simply buttress their fears. When
those very reasons do not make sense to their partner, an argument ensues.
In that moment, however, it can be very hard for Sixes to realize that the source of their tension is
mostly happening in the ego. That is why partners who do not have the core ego need for workability
nor are driven by insecurities and fears of unworkability can view the situation completely
differently.
In this pure, ego-less experience of Life, the events just ARE. You perceive them as good or bad
depending on whether they stimulate pleasure or pain in the wiring of your ego. That is why couples
argue -- one experiences pain in something that the other does not. Who is right? What scares or
threatens one person could be interesting, exciting or enjoyable for another. Your perspective is a
filtered reality that is based on the sensitivities in the wiring of your ego. All the ego knows is what
makes it feel good and what makes it scared. All the ego wants is to feel good (for Sixes, that can mean
everything is certain and secure), and to avoid triggering core insecurities (for the Six, “Oh my gosh,
problems could emerge!”).
The value of the Spiritual Enneagram is to enable us to step out of our ego and see this objectively.
To see how Life is interpreted through each of our distorted lenses. And this recognition and selfawareness is fundamental to the Sixes growth and evolution of consciousness. For in reality, the
unfolding event IS Life. And Life’s Intelligence knows more about what is necessary in Life’s
evolutionary journey, in every moment, than does the Sixes’ narrow, fear-based ego.
As with each personality type, the value of understanding the underlying spiritual dynamics of your
nature is to enable you to “see through” the illusion presented by the narrow, distorting lens of your
insecure ego. That is the work we are here to do as humans. At some point in their growth and
conscious evolution, Sixes begin to realize that the security they seek out in life is not out there -- it is
within them Selves.
As a result, they increasingly will see Reality free of the egoic lens and become more effective in
moving through challenges and pleasures of Life -- without all the drama, irrational needs, fears and
distortions generated by your insecurities. Otherwise, left uprooted, it all can feel so real to the Six, so
threatening, so in need of control. This in turn, generates unnecessary anxiety, worry, inner
churning, and strong-arming through life to avoid triggering those irrational fears.
Seeing Through the Illusion: “Does it Really Matter?”
The core focus for the Six energy is on Trust. Their life-long task is to develop their ability to see
through the fundamental illusion of existential distrust -- unconsciously fearful of what could go wrong in
any given situation. On a superficial level, this means recognizing where the line is, on whatever Sixes
become concerned or worried about. When does their apprehension cross the line and start to
become over-the-top, a projection of their unconscious inner fears? When does the ego distortion
begin to show up? When does their natural, effective alertness turn to anxiety? When does the
person start becoming fixated, attached, driven by, or emotionally reactivated by their concerns?
If you are a Six, discovering this line is key to being healthy. Your intuitive gift and sensitivity in
what could make any situation more effective and secure can make an important difference. After
all, this is your nature. However, as you gain more self-awareness of your inner process in your ego,
this wise discrimination of where this line is will be helpful -- not only for your peace of mind, but for
those who live and work with you! Without this awareness and these understandings, you can see
how easy it might be to mistake “what is real,” and then unnecessarily worry or become attached.
As you recall the parable from earlier chapters, when it comes to our emotional reactivity in life, the
question is, “Is it really a Snake?” This is the fundamental maxim to guide us all forward. In the Inner
Enneagram, the more emotional tension we feel, the more distorted and dark our consciousness can
become. It is then we are more likely to misperceive a supposed “poisonous snake” in situations where
in the reality (of the pure light of consciousness), it is really a “bead of pearls.”
I know that situations that trigger our wounded 90’s inside will then look like a “snake.” But is it
really? Or is it all in your ego? That is the question. When a perfectionistic One sees a messy kitchen,
or a self aggrandizing Three receives no praise, or a Six sees potential threat, is it really a snake? Or is
it simply challenging for us (and sometimes very challenging in how fully it can trigger our deepest
insecurities), where it is simply an opportunity meant for our growth.
The process of freeing ourselves of these binding insecurities in each situation we encounter involves
a path of inquiry. In the face of rising emotional tension or concern, we ask ourselves, “Does it really
matter?” For each Enneagram type, the process of discovering the underlying insecurity that is
generating the inner tension -- which is 90% of the rising tension -- is to ask, “Why does this really
matter?” “Why am I so sensitive to this?” “Where is the emotional tension that is making me so upset coming
from deep inside me?” “What is this really about?”
Remember This Maxim:
What Really Matters to You is because of Your Ego Needs & Insecurities. It is only Real in Your Ego.
For Others Who Do Not Have Those Needs or Insecurities, It Just “Is What it Is.”
So naturally embedded are Sixes to the workability of every situation, it might be hard for some to
imagine not mattering about situations that could become problems. Why wouldn’t they really matter!
Does anyone want unnecessary problems? Here is difference. When the ego is secure within itself, any
situation that calls for attention will happen naturally. After all, this is the force of life that directs all
of life, and your individual evolution, forward. Free of any distortions in the ego you will find that,
“Life lives through you,” and that as a Six, your gift of workability innocently responds to life’s needs,
as necessary. There is no ego, no insecurity that is directing or motivating you forward in your
response or sense of responsibility.
Look at what an enlightened Nine would say:
“Have patience . . .Remain unmoving until right action arises by itself.” – Lao Tzu
Cosmic life is not passive, nor tuned out. And neither will you be as a Six when you are free of
insecurities and ego needs in your personality. Then you will not be coming from fear, or worry, in
your natural, gifted responses to life’s challenges. It is just the next thing, and then the next thing,
and the next thing as life evolves. Chop wood, Carry water.
However, since we are all humans, it is natural to have areas in our personality where there are
insecurities. The point here is to recognize those inner pressures, and see through their gripping
illusion. See them from the perspective of your true Self. In doing so, the underlying insecurities and
wounds will be seen now more clearly. Whereas before, your attention was completely focused on
the “real” problem, now your attention can readily notice those distorting inner pressures that
emerge. And with training, you can discover what the source of those tensions are deep inside and
free yourself of their binding hold.
The Exercise on Discovering Your 90’s outlined in the above section, and fully discussed in a previous
chapter, allows you to explore what are the insecurities that are driving your response. The process
enables you to walk it through, step by step, and discover why are you taking a strong position on
this? Are there underlying core ego needs and underlying insecurities that you are attached you to,
which distort your perspective?
After doing this exercise a hundred times in various upsetting situations, you will start to recognize
the pattern of the wiring of insecurities and ego needs in your ego. Interestingly, you will discover
that there are simply a small number of core ego needs that you have -- usually three or four contextual
needs. And these needs are linked to insecurities that drive your emotional reactions in your
personality. So in using this Exercise whenever those wounds are triggered, instead of only focusing
on what triggered you -- what is wrong with my partner -- you become immediately aware of the true
source of your tension -- within yourself.
People find that as they do this exercise every time they are triggered, either privately or together
with their partner, they build up wise neural networks in the brain that serve to counter the irrational
emotional response.
These “seeing-through-the-illusion” neural networks in the brain are
strengthened from repeated use. Increasingly you will find that you are able to have a dual
awareness -- the emotional reaction you are having and at the same time the stronger, wiser part of
yourself that sees “there is no snake.” It’s all ego. You are immediately aware of what specific “90”
or core insecurity was triggered deep inside of you. Building this cognitive structure of selfawareness is the road to healthier responses. And, as you will see, it is the means to clearing up and
healing the distorted ego.
Without this dual awareness, the emotional response tends to overshadow your wise Self, and you
react irrationally. If that is not bad enough, most people will then tend to blame the person or the
event that triggered them as the cause of their upset feelings! The original cause that carries the source
of the pain and anger happened way before you met this person. You probably have been saddled
with those insecurities and wounds for a lifetime, as the original wounds have been compounded
over and over by each succeeding trigger.
Of course, when their presence is overshadowed, people usually focus their attention outside of
themselves -- onto the other person or the even. When they do, they tend to justify their emotional
reaction: “Wouldn’t everybody be mad about that?” “Doesn’t everybody need that!” Again: what triggered
those feelings is indeed an important problem that needs to be solved. No kidding. Partners do have
their part in what happened with imbalances of their own that need to be solved. They are over-thetop too! It is the human condition. However, it makes all the difference when you and your partner
each recognize and own your imbalances. And when you interact about it, each direct your attention
to the source of those needs and imbalances -- in the emotional tension coming from deep inside from
the insecurities that were triggered.
This is the common experience when people’s 90’s are triggered. Both partners each believe that their
reaction is natural, and that whatever outside of them that triggered those feelings is by nature wrong
or bad. So gripped by the emotional tension, it can be hard to realize the distortion of their
projection.
When you are able to recognize and own the distortion or insecurities that become inflamed in your
personality, it sure makes it easier for others to be around you. “I realize that I am being a Six right
now” communicates to others your self-awareness in the midst of your inner pressures and needs.
And more important, it makes it easier for them to respond empathetically to your concerns and your
needs. Which is great as this is the response that you have been wanting -- for people to open up and
care about that situation. They may be more apt to do so if they don’t feel that they are being hit over
the head, blamed, or controlled about it.
✦ In Order to Grow
Own & Take Responsibility for Your Imbalances
How can you take responsibility for imbalances in your personality, like symptoms of an unhealthy
body, if you are unaware of them? After all, in your persona, how you think and act feels natural to
you -- so it is not always easy to discover where there are imbalances. This profile is designed to give
more awareness of the dynamics and pressures that can show up with the Six energy.
It is vital for each person to discover these patterns in their personality. In the earlier chapters you
had exercises to explore the specific ways that you tend to be over-the-top in your personality. Of
course, your biggest source of feedback on where you tend to become out-of-balance is from your
partner, and from those who live with you or are close to you. Because their ego needs and
sensitivities are different, areas where they see you as over-the-top will stand out to them.
With this increasing sophistication of self-awareness, the next step in your journey to wholeness is in
taking responsibility for the imbalances. This is how you grow, this is how you become healthier in
your personality, just as with your physical health.
Taking responsibility for the pattern of tensions in your personality and the distortions they generate
is even more important when you actually acting out of balance. This is particularly difficult when
you are unaware of your 90’s -- the insecurities that are generating the emotional tension inside of you.
Lacking that self-awareness, people tend to feel completely justified in what they expect and in what
they do in every situation. That feels natural in their world. How could if feel any different? If you
were wired that way with what they have had to go through in life, you would likely expect or do the
same thing. Without the objectivity and clarity of the Spiritual and Inner Enneagram, I do not know
how they can be expected to fully understand or recognize those imbalances.
The only feedback people usually get is from those who become upset with them. The tensions that
drive someone to start acting over-the-top tend to feel unpleasant and off-putting to others.
However, when they point out any possible flaws or deficiencies in that person’s personality, he or
she can become upset or defensive. See how sensitive these underlying wounds are that drive these
imbalances?
How do you feel when you are criticized? It hurts as it is compounding an already existing deeply
buried wound. People tend to shut down to avoid feeling it or stand up for themselves and fight
back, desperate to defend the cognitive structure that orders their world. It is this internal cognitive
structure that creates coherence of their entire world. It also provides the ego its sense of stability.
People defend their actions and beliefs at all costs because those actions and specific beliefs defend
them from the instability deep inside. However, the more insecure the person is deep inside, the
stronger the defenses they will need to keep the fragile internal order. That is why they become
adamant, righteous, unable to hear feedback, impenetrable, and unbending in their need to be right.
Either way, in righteously acting out their tensions or in righteously defending them, they tend to
distance others. It simply means that others are the ones who will need to adapt. Without the
feedback, however, everyone stays trapped in their small, neurotic world.
In a marriage we each become a mirror that shows us our distortions and flaws. Without these
awarenesses and safe frameworks for talking about them, we tend to blame or defend. No wonder
we do not seem to grow. Just ask each partner in the middle of a divorce. They each probably would
say the other never realized his or her part in the breakup -- they did not learn a thing.
I hope you are realizing that the success of the intimacy in your hearts and the harmony in your
relationship depends on how healthy, self-aware, and conscious each of you are with your own issues.
And how readily you are able to own them when they emerge and process them together to
resolution. This is what becomes the basis for a Conscious Relationship.
How can people ever own their insecurities given how sensitive those inner wounds are? The
neutrality and objectivity of the Inner Enneagram is important as it enables people to not personalize
the Sixes’ imbalances. After all, these are simply the tendencies of the Six energy when perturbed.
Wherever they are over the top, it is not that they are necessarily “wrong” (or right). But it is
important to be self-aware and responsible about it. Together with the communication tools, people
can learn how to talk together about them with sensitivity and awareness in the process of resolving
them.
This orientation of awarenesses and tools creates a revolutionary shift in how we see our issues. In
this new wisdom, we develop together a “friendly” understanding of the flawed aspects of our selves
that need healing. With this sense of safety we can shift from feeling shame or victimized, which
otherwise can prevent us from owning our painful wounds and patterns. They allow us to open up,
let each other in as we sort it all out and consciously move through the issues to resolution.
Emotionally charged issues that used to get us stuck, that would have become an argument, or pulled
us a part, are now transformed into an intimate process of opening up and healing together. We
always end up feeling more at peace inside, closer to our Selves and closer to each other. The result is
a genuine humbleness in the relationship, where each feels “Thank you for showing me this, and helping
me heal.”
Here are some of the stressful tendencies that can undermine Sixes’ relationships.
Notice When You Are Scanning For “What Is Wrong” = Buzz Kill!
In every situation, Sixes have sensors that are constantly scanning for anything that could potentially
generate problems. This gift can also be a burden. For as soon as something in the environment
“doesn’t add up,” it compels the Sixes’ attention. Their awareness shifts from relaxing in the moment
to vigilance, and possibly a sense of foreboding. What that means is that the Six moves from their
relaxed anchor in their body and from their open heart, into their worrisome head. For it is up in the
head in the intellect where they scan and evaluate for potential threats.
Interestingly, the Six energy is, in effect, scanning for what is wrong, or what needs to be right. Nothing
else is important. This is different, for example, than adventure-loving Sevens. They scan for fun -What is more fun to focus on next. That is not the wiring of Sixes. In that moment, if it is not an
environment of certainty to relax into, they have unconscious sensors that are alert to anything that
could spell trouble. The ego’s survival is at stake. Yours would be too if you were a Six.
For most Sixes, whenever anything shows up on their radar that could become a potential problem,
the inner pressure it generates can cause them to point it out. Some Sixes will not only point it out,
but will tell you what needs to be done. Or what it is that you are doing wrong. Sixes usually think
they are being helpful in pointing out. And they may be.
However, the more tension inside of them, the more compelled they are to say something. That can
also mean that what they say tends to be embedded in their underlying tension and have a negative
tone. Unwittingly, their focus is typically on what is wrong or who is wrong. It does not tend to be a
gracious or empowering comment on what might be helpful in the situation. After all, the comments
come from unconscious fears, stemming from real unpleasant experiences from their past.
Like most everyone when tension emerges, they can come off as judgmental, complaining, criticizing,
blaming. Or they can appear righteous, bossy, dictatorial, domineering, or controlling. Remember,
in Sixes world, they point this out in order to be helpful. They may wonder what is wrong with you
that you do not see this, and they have to point it out.
The problem is that when Sixes spontaneously point out potential problems, their focus on the negative
can have the effect of dampening everyone else’s experience. Everyone now has to move into their
heads and look at what could go wrong. If others are not worried, it can suck the positive feeling out
of the room. Like a Six getting in the car and pointing out how you should go, or responding to how
you are driving (“Oh my gosh.”), or pointing out where you should park, or what you need to do
next, and what else is wrong. Or a Six might be the first to comment at a restaurant on the wait for a
table, or the wait staff, or what to order on the menu, or the prices. For those Enneagram types that
are not threatened by all the possibilities of problems, in that moment, those comments can feel like a
“buzz kill.” “Why not sit back and relax, enjoy the scenery or sights?” they wonder.
Of course, Sixes usually are not trying to be negative or seen as dispiriting, dampening, demeaning,
or degrading. Usually they feel they are pointing out what is needed to protect everyone’s wellbeing. They do it because they care! And, yes, it can be frustrating for the Six to see so many potential
problems! Of course it would be. Especially since they rarely get to relax given all of the problems
they see and the concerns they carry. If only others would do their part, I wouldn’t have to bother. What’s
wrong with people!
Sometimes Sixes Need to Bite Their Tongue
The key to Sixes staying in balance is recognizing where that “line” is between what really needs to
be said now and attended to, and what does not. Is the comment necessary? Does it really need to be
said? What would the others there feel is appropriate -- are they as bothered by what the Six notices
and wishes to point out?
Then, too, is this the best time to bring it up? Will it be received as helpful and as a positive
contribution to our experience? Will it really help or make a difference? And if it has already
happened, then why bring it up? Also, would you more likely get the result that you are wanting if
you wait and bring it up later, when you or your partner are in a better place to talk about it in a
heartfelt manner, or respond to it?
Lastly, like many types, some Sixes can benefit by learning how to make requests and give feedback
in a positive, empowering manner. Are you sharing it in a heartfelt, sincere manner or would it come
off as critical or complaining?
In situations where there is nothing that can be done or where their comments will be heard as
complaining, criticizing, contracting, or dampening of the innocence of the moment, the Six might be
wise simply to bite their tongue. Is that ever an option for Sixes -- to not say what bothers them?
Sixes with a strong wing to the silence of Five tend to be by nature quiet. And Sixes with a strong line
to harmonious Nines do not wish to generate disharmony. However, Sixes with a strong, talkative
Seven wing usually comment on everything.
So it might be helpful in some situations for Sixes to just not say anything that comes to mind.
Remember, whatever you are commenting on, “It is what it Is.” And, “the past is the past.” So if you
can’t change it, would it be helpful or appreciated by others for you to comment on it? It might be.
Can the Six who is faced with these tendencies have this kind of patience? Interestingly, the word for
patience comes from the Latin whose meaning is, “the ability to endure pain.” The same is true for a
patient in a hospital. This ability to absorb uncomfortable pressures appropriately of concerns and
worry is an important discipline for us all to develop. Who wants to be around a constant
complainer?
So if you have strong Six energy in your personality, notice if you feel compelled to say a negative
comment, or react with frustration to a situation, or start telling (ordering) someone what to do. It
could very well be what is needed in that situation. But it may also be coming from a strong uprush
of inner pressure seeking a biological release. So your comment is more about you venting than about
helping.
Examine Your Expectations -The Source of Most of Your Tensions & Arguments
The inner framework of the Sixes’ world feels completely natural to them. And like with all
Enneagram types, so do their expectations in their marriage. When those expectations are not
honored or responded to by their partner, that typically creates tension in them. All arguments are
simply unmet needs -- your needs versus your partner’s ego needs. Whose needs are the “right”
ones?
As you come to realize that your ego needs are based not in reality, but from insecurities, this helps to
change you from being righteous about their “superiority.” Nor are you freely and unconsciously
acting them out in the relationship as before. However, these ego needs, and the powerful inner
pressure to meet them are so natural in your world, they could easily still be embedded in your
expectations.
For example, to respond to all of the details you are faced with, it is important to most Sixes that their
partner helps out and does his or her share. This natural expectation can be the source of much
tension in your relationship. This is especially true if the Six is married to someone who has strong
laid-back Nine energies. Nines tend to tune out chores and responsibilities in their unconscious effort
to hold on to as much inner peace and relaxation as possible. After all, this is how they connect to
their missing essential nature of Peace. However, it tends to drive Sixes nuts.
When your partner does not step up and take some responsibilities off your shoulders, it means you
end up having to do everything yourself. And you never get to relax! It is not fair. From your
partner’s side, he or she might say that what it is that you need or becoming upset about is not
necessary right then. Your partner is comfortable with whatever consequences come from not doing
the chore, whereas that makes you crazy.
You have two choices. You need to learn how to communicate in ways that empower and support
your partner to do the things you want. Or you will need to realign your expectations and do it
yourself. The most harmonious marriages between a Six and an “irresponsible” partner are those in
which the Six actually enjoys taking on those responsibilities. There are some Sixes who prefer to do
everything themselves -- that way it gets done the right way, and most efficient way.
If you are not such a person, then you are either going to have to learn how to communicate in more
harmonious and effective ways or reduce these expectations within yourself! You can look at it this
way: If for some reason you were single, you would end up doing everything that is needed to be
done, and there would be no one to complain about. You would do it as this is simply your nature.
It is who you are. All the complaining, criticizing, bemoaning is just you deflecting and venting your
inner pressure that you are carrying, onto someone else. It is a ruse. But it backfires in that it tends to
generate increasing emotional distance with the person you love. And maybe with your kids as they
grow up to be adults.
So if you do not learn safe frameworks to communicate together in a heartfelt, effective manner
around you and your partner’s needs and expectations, then if you really want something done,
simply Do It Yourself.
Effective Communication is Key
More than any other type, Sixes rely primarily on communication to get their fundamental ego needs
met. Their constant need for certainty amidst the ever-changing, chaotic world means that Sixes will
need the support of everyone in their world they depend on to join in their Cause. Their partner
especially needs to be Responsible, pro-active, effective, able to be counted on to do their part! This is
even more essential if they have children and family responsibilities. And the more kids they are
responsible for, the more potential there is for problems to happen!
This is why Sixes need their partner as a team player to help take on whatever needs to be done to
ensure everyone’s needs are met and well-being is assured. Sixes want a partner who will notice and
respond even before problems emerge, and thoroughly take care of it when they do. See the job, do
the job. And don’t leave it for the Sixes to always end up doing it, or worrying whether it was
completely done or not.
This is why Sixes always plan and create lists -- either in their mind or written down on paper.
Endless lists. All of these items that need to be done and checked off are the pathway for Sixes to the
Promised Land -- the kind of certainty that brings inner Peace and the ability to relax. This is huge
for the Six. “If we could just get everything done and make everything secure, I could finally relax.”
This is also why it is so wonderful for the Six to have a partner who is reliable and takes care of
business, without being asked to do so. This is romance for many Sixes, having a partner who
reliably does the job without having to be checked on. Someone who helps to take these inner
pressures off the Sixes’ shoulders, and accomplishes what needs to done. Now that is Bliss.
The problem for Sixes in a relationship is when they are with a partner who has a different agenda,
with completely different ego needs. If their partner does not share their need for certainty, or resists
having to tie everything down, there will be tension. As Sixes typically marry someone of a different
Enneagram type, this can become quite a problem. If their partner’s needs are different, the key
dynamic in the relationship becomes their ability to communicate together about the Sixes’ concerns,
needs, and expectations in ways that enable their partner to readily respond to those needs. In other
words, how to ask and get results!
Just as important to Sixes, they also need their partner to communicate from their side everything that
is going on, so the Six can feel on top of it all. Everything needs to be on the table, nothing hidden
that could come back to bite them. This is why most Sixes ask questions, questions, and questions.
And it is why Sixes need their partner to be completely honest, forthcoming, and transparent about
everything that has happened of concern. Or hasn’t happened that still needs to be taken care of. All
of this is due to the Sixes’ on-going accounting of everyone’s physical and emotional well-being in the
family. In this way, Sixes feel in control, and then there are No Surprises! Sixes hate surprises. This is
why the constant need for Planning, and for effective Communication!
Learn to Communicate in a Positive, Respectful Way
For these channels of communication to be open and effective, both partners may need to develop
their communication skills. It is important to learn simple, yet powerful, frameworks and
understandings that enable you to express your needs in ways that empower your partner so that
your needs are responded to . And when you are upset, these frameworks make it safe to interact
together and solve the issues without the need for escalation or drama. Not being skillful being able
to open up and share sincerely and honestly, you may otherwise tend to go on the offensive in your
righteousness, or become defensive or shut down. Either way, the process is gummed up and
becomes ineffective. And the end result is left over tension and unnecessary suffering.
For concerns that are frustrating or carry some emotional pressure for the Six, it can be important that
the Six not come off as negative, disrespectful, or controlling. Take a deep breath and share your
concerns in a sincere, helpful, positive manner. If it is not necessary, don’t focus on what is wrong or
what went wrong as much as focus on what you would like to see happen or what would it look like
going forward. In doing so in a gracious manner, you may find others will keep their hearts open
and care about supporting you or doing what is needed.
Also, many people respond better when you humbly ask instead of command something to be done.
“Would you mind . . . ?“ “Would it be okay if you . . . ? People tend to like having a choice -- that they
are respected and are able to choose accordingly.
If your partner does not respond positively, it becomes an opportunity for you to find out data that
you may be missing that needs to be taken into account. Remember, both person’s emotional needs
and perspective matter! It certainly matters to you, but also matters to your partner! Remember, you
can always fall back on being more direct or come on stronger if that becomes necessary. But let
people feel respected to be able to choose.
When You Are Upset, Learn to Communicate Your 90’s
If something bothers you, if you are frustrated or upset, be sure to own your 90’s. Own your 90’s. Own
Your 90’s. In most every tense or upsetting situation in your relationship, what actually happened or
needs to happen that has triggered the emotional tension in you is causing just 10% of the tension
you are feeling. It is the insecurities deep inside of you that have been triggered which are causing
90% of the upset feelings. If you did not have a “90” (the insecurities or needs) then a “10” would just
be a “10” -- simply a problem to be solved together, without all of the upset or stressful feelings
coming up.
Normally, whenever we are triggered we focus completely on what triggered us -- the situation at
hand. For survival reasons, our attention is wired to focus on and pinpoint the outer “cause” of our
tensions. That means we each focus on what the other person did or did not do.
However, such a response tends to imply that our partner’s world is wrong. And given how fragile
everyone’s ego is, partners do not always take that well. They could become defensive, or go on the
offensive and stand up for themselves and their needs. In doing so, the competing needs now
become even more difficult to resolve.
It makes all the difference when each of you is able to recognize and own your 90% -- the tensions and
insecurities deep inside of you that have been triggered. When you do so, there is no blame or focus
on your partner. To do so, however, requires safe frameworks that enable each of you to open up
and become vulnerable as you share what this is really about for you. Going inward, you start to see
the big picture of what is really happening together. Also, heartfelt, sincere sharing takes the wind
of aggression out of your sails. Instead of coming off as righteous or blaming, you now become more
real and humble -- more human.
When each of you keep your hearts open and share what you go through in a given situation, it
makes it easier for the other to stay open and care about your experience! Also, when each of you
own and share their 90’s -- what this is really about for the person -- the partner now can understand
why this matters so much. This tends to generate an empathetic response rather than a defensive or
offensive one.
In the face of emotional tension together, imagine your partner saying, “I know the tension is mine.” Or
“I’m probably sensitive to this because. . . .” Or “What this is really about is I have a fear of experiencing
inside . . .” The partner uses these kind of sentence stems to discover and share what is really going
on inside -- what are their inner wounds and insecurities deep inside that are generating such strong
feelings. The person is in effect processing through the inner distorting insecurities, sorting them out,
broadening their perspective, and freeing themselves in the process. Instead of displacing or
projecting his or her upset feelings onto you who triggered them.
Each owning your 90’s also serves to keep the tensions from escalating into an unnecessary argument
or emotional distance. The process becomes a safe interaction, where each person owns their 90’s
instead of blames. As a result, they sustain their feelings of good will together, as a valued team, in
the face of difficult situations. The tools that we teach in this orientation are powerful in creating this
needed shared safety together. And fortunately, couples can learn and develop these skills.
Learn to Validate & Empathize With Your Partner’s World
(After All, You Want Him or Her to Attune to Yours!)
All issues and conflicts a couple experience together are simply unmet needs -- on both sides! Each
person’s ego needs are vital to his or her well-being. That is why in a conscious relationship, Both
Needs Matter! Yet, how can that work? Particularly in a relationship with a Six, who has a gift of such
clarity about what needs to be done to establish certainty in every situation. They know what needs to
be done, and there is no arguing with them.
This can be hard on their partner. His or her world of needs, priorities, feelings are disregarded, may
be even demeaned in conflict. Even if the merits of the argument favor the Sixes’ perspective, the
process of this kind of interaction does not have to be “one person is right, the other is wrong.” After
all, your partner’s needs and insecurities are just as important to them as yours are to you!
Given how clearly Sixes perceive potential threats, it can be very difficult for them to be able to
validate or empathize with how their partner perceives and evaluates the situation. And yet, the
partner’s needs and sensitivities that give rise to their perspective are just as valid and are just as
important in their eyes.
In fact, if Sixes were to go and address a group of people of the same core Enneagram type as their
partner and argue the their case -- what they want and their evaluation of their partner, guess what
the response in the room would be? They would probably feel that the Six was nuts. The same is
true if the partner goes to a room full of Sixes and presents his or her perspective. Who is right?
Whose ego needs are superior? This is the trap of ego needs.
The underlying insecurities grip each person’s evaluation of the world. And their ego’s survival
depends on those needs being met, otherwise it can feel like an ego death to be trapped in a world
where those fundamental needs are never met. It is this “conflict of insecurities” that then becomes
an argument, or results in emotional distance. Over years, this is why people divorce.
Again, who is right, who is wrong? What you realize in learning the inner world of the nine
Enneagram types is that each person’s reality is a filtered reality, and that they all co-exist. Each one
has a fundamental validity, given that person’s gifts, insecurities, and ego needs. It is that simple.
Once you understand your partner’s Enneagram world -- his or her ego needs and insecurities (90’s) - it then makes sense why they respond the way they do. It does not mean their perspective is reality
or that they are “right.”
In communicating together, it makes all the difference when you fully understand and recognize the
underlying pressures that compel their needs and give rise to their position. This enables you to
validate their reasoning in their world and empathize with how it must make them feel. After all, that
is exactly what you want in any conflict -- to be understood, validated for your reasoning, and that
your partner cares for what you have to go through.
This is why communication is so important to the Six. When each of you are able to do this -understand, validate, and empathize with each other -- the tensions relax. There is no one wrong,
you are just different in what you are sensitive to. And you are both over-the-top or unconsciously
out of alignment to the other’s needs.
This process of interaction sustains the goodwill as each other’s world is feeling understood and
cared about. That will enable to focus to shift to how they can solve the problem at hand, where both
needs are taken into account. In such a climate, where each feels heard, and each person’s
sensitivities are cared about, the vital good will is maintained. And flexibility emerges in tackling
what are otherwise difficult challenges.
When you do the opposite, where you are making each other feel wrong, or blamed, or shamed when
differences emerge, this certainly erodes the good will, or the ability to care. This hardens the heart
and makes it difficult to be flexible and solve your differences fairly, as a team together. That is why
this process of validating each other’s world is fundamental to solving differences, tensions and
issues that arise.
Even though your perspectives and ego needs are different, when both partners feel understood and
heard, respected and cared about, their hearts remain open and connected. This is vital -- that you
each are able to feel and thus care about what the other goes through. After all, if you had their
Enneagram types’ insecurities you would feel and react the same way your partner does!
Understanding and empathizing with each other’s world also will expand your narrow, self-serving
perspective to incorporate a broader experience of what is needed going forward. And it will take
the wind of righteousness out of your sails. This is because when faced with any situation that
concerns, worries, bothers, or upsets you, if you each put yourself in your partner’s shoes where you
experience their inner world, this expansion of consciousness is precisely what will help free you of
your own insecurities. This is so important. How else will you be able to see how small your ego is -where your blinders are, where the distortions, needs and insecurities are that your partner sees
about you?
After all, from your perspective, you see your partner’s blinders. And you wish that he or she would
get what you are saying and expand their world. Everyone needs to do this as an exercise when
differences emerge. This is how people grow, by expanding out of the confines of their neurotic
world and seeing it (experiencing it!) from a broader perspective.
Wise people say that communication is the basis for solving problems. But in reality, Relating is the
basis for solving differences. If someone does not relate to what really matters to you, that only
exacerbates the situation, and escalates the tensions. Now, no ones needs are being heard!
And when your worries and needs are the only ones that matter, or that your take on reality is the
only “real” one, so the relationship of needs is only one-way -- your way! -- that is not a relationship.
A relationship is based on “relating,” where both worlds matter.
However, it is important to point out that the exercise of validating and empathizing with what your
partner is going through does not mean that you are agreeing with him or her. Nor does it mean that
your position is wrong, or that your partner is right. Your equals, and both worlds are valid (given
the skewed insecurities that drive them).
"Out Beyond Ideas of Wrongdoing and Right-doing
There is A Field -I Will Meet You There."
- Rumi, 13 Century
th
When couples are trained to automatically do this, you both feel heard, which makes it much easier to
work through challenging situations as a team. And be able to keep your hearts and minds open in
the process.
The Communication Tools Section will introduce new, powerful tools that can enable you to validate
and empathize with each other naturally -- right in the heat of rising tensions, so that both partners feel
heard. Your ability to do this together will de-escalate tensions, so that solutions can be found with
good will.
As Sixes depend on communication for their ego needs to be met, learning to engage their partner
where their partner’s emotional needs are validated and cared about, this becomes the basis for Sixes
needs to actually be responded to. Not out of coercion, but from their partner’s good will.
Discover How to Move Into Your Heart Center
In the face of conflicting needs, these two skills -- opening up and sharing your insecurities (your
90’s) and understanding and empathizing with your partner -- both serve to move you out of your
righteous head into your heart. This is the primary area of growth for most Sixes. Being a mental
energy, Sixes are already gifted enough in the use of their minds. The area where Sixes can grow to
become more whole as a human being is in staying connected to their vulnerable, innocent heart.
Keeping their heart open, where they connect and care about their partner and others in that moment
as much or more than the job at task, is their challenge through thick and thin.
This, however, can be confusing to Sixes. Most Sixes naturally feel that they are in their heart, and
that they do care. After all, much of what Sixes think about and do comes from a place inside that
cares. They care too much! Yet it is important for Sixes to discern more clearly the difference
between “caring” that comes from fears of insecurity or problems and “caring” that comes from their
vulnerable feelings for the other person in that moment. The mind cares more about the “problem,” the
heart cares and feels for the person -- what the person goes through, fears, needs and wants.
For Sixes, being in their heart usually happens when they are feeling relaxed, open and secure within
themselves. However, when any sense of threat or need for certainty emerges, this tends to shift
them up into their head as they hyper-focus on discerning the problem or threat on hand. This is a
survival response for Sixes.
The difference between the nature of the heart and mind are important here. They are two distinctly
different energies. Whereas the heart unifies, connects, empathizes, feels, appreciates and loves, it is
the intellect that discriminates, scans for differences and meaning. This is natural. But in Sixes, their
mental gifts can tend to overshadow the innocence of their connection to their tender heart energies.
So the exercise for Sixes is to make this clear distinction within themselves. So they can actually feel
the difference in their own experience between these two separate places -- when they are coming
from their head energies versus when they are connected primarily to their more vulnerable, caring
heart energies. They need to feel the difference in those energies within themselves -- when they are in
their head discriminating, evaluating, judging, appraising, analyzing, overthinking, directing and
when they are in their hearts appreciating, loving within themselves, feeling, and connecting to what
the others feel.
Once they have a clear experience of being able to differentiate from the two and how to shift from
one to the other, Sixes will have an internal governor to monitor where they are coming from inside,
moment-by-moment. This awareness will enable them to consciously shift their experience to
maintain balance by incorporating and sustaining their compassion and vulnerability.
Strengthening those pathways in the brain is their path to wholeness. They do not need to strengthen
their mental acuity or their natural ability to solve problems. What makes them wholesome is
integrating those gifts with the innocence of their heart.
Mindfulness: Learn to Live in the Moment
-- Not in the Past or Worried in the Future
For all of us, every incoming experience is immediately scanned and interpreted based on past
painful or pleasurable experiences or future desires. This is a survival function in the brain. This is
the frame from which we experience life. For each of us, however, this tends to distort the reality of
what is being experienced. One person might find the event off putting while another finds it to be
exactly what they have wanted. The event itself, however, is neither -- it just is what it is.
For Sixes, this filtered awareness is skewed towards possible problems gleaned from past bad, or
very bad experiences. Or each moment it is evaluated against what are the expectations or desired
pleasurable results -- what would make the Six feel relaxed and whole. In either case, this process of
interpretation takes the Six out of the innocence of the experience, free of narrow interpretation in
the Now. It limits the Six from fully engaging with and absorbing all of the nuances of the pure
experience itself.
If someone who is used to fast food meals like MacDonald’s and is at a gourmet meal of natural
foods, the person could be evaluating each new sensation as compared to what he or she is used to.
And new and foreign flavors might be interpreted as yucky. The framework of past experiences and
future expectations have overshadowed skewed the person’s innocent experience, preventing the full
engagement and appreciation of new and fresh nuance of experiences. Instead, he or she asks, “Is
there any ketchup?”
Mindfulness is a process of learning to pay attention to what we experience moment-by-moment
without judgment. It is a practice of sustaining “the beginner’s mind” -- an attitude of openness to
each experience without preconceptions or preferences. Instead of being “the one who knows” in
framing every experience within our narrow world of past experiences or expectations, we
experience each moment innocently, in its purity. The sensations of each experience are experienced
fully as simply sensations. There is no story, no interpretation, no comparison, no projection. It just
Is what it Is.
This non-judgmental awareness Is the Self, free of the filtered ego. In this way your awareness is
truly present. It is presence and being present. The more pure awareness in that moment, the more
connected you are to your true nature, and the freer you are from the binding influence of tainted
insecurities from your past or concerns for the future.
There is an incredible freedom in being able to attune to our pure Self instead of stuck in the narrow
boundaries of our neurotic concerns. We engage every experience by putting aside what we think we
know, and any rigid and inflexible ideas or standards about how this experience should be or could be
different right now. It is an awareness without self-consciousness or self-referencing. Child-like in
nature, it is a state of incredible receptivity and flexibility where you move and merge with the
currents of what Is.
In this way we are traveling light, with a minimum of baggage. As a result, we are more embracing
of all that we encounter. In such innocence, we engage each other with new-found respect and fresh
appreciation. We relate to situations and people more directly, contactfully, and intimately -- within
ourselves and with others. We take things for what they are instead of what we think about them.
In each new situation, this innocent mindset of complete awareness of the present moment enables us
to merge into the experience fully. Yet at the same time, we remain the Observer, our presence is
never overshadowed moment by moment. Both occur simultaneously. Our awareness is embedded
in the Observer, fully open and receptive and at the same time we fully savor all of the sensations,
thoughts and feelings of the experience. Neither overshadows the other. We are literally living in the
moment and fully awakening to experience whatever Is.
Compare the fast food versus gourmet meal analogy above to a popular exercise introduced by Jon
Kabat-Zin, PhD, Professor of Medicine at the University of Massachusetts Medical School on the
mindful tasting of a raisin. In this exercise, a raisin is being tasted and experienced as moment-bymoment awareness of sensations, feelings, and thoughts. In every second of the experience there is an
openness, a welcoming, a curiosity to discover anew each nuance of the moment. The raisin is
experienced “mindfully.”
Calling this “mindfulness” I believe is a misnomer. The word mindful implies that we are
experiencing the event through our minds. What I am looking for here is to experience the event
from our Being, with pure Awareness. There is a difference. The Mind is a vehicle within the
personality whereas this Awareness transcends the ego. Awareness is spirit -- it is the spiritual part
of our selves.
When we open our very being to experience the moment, anchored in this spiritual awareness, we
experience each moment fully through our minds, our heart, and its physicality in the sensual
sensations it engenders. Having all of these natural centers open, and in balance, is the basis of
enlightenment.
What enables this is simply attuning to the part of us that is pure Awareness -- our very Being. Our
minds are open, our heart is fully open, and our body is at ease and responsive to each sensation and
experience. This integrated state of being is our nature, and our destiny. It enables us to let each
experience impact us fully. The experience never overshadows Us in who we are deep inside. We
become Life, and Life lives through us.
You can see that this is simply a shift in consciousness. Anyone can do it at any moment. It is a
“remembering to be Aware” in the moment. And we especially want to remember to be Aware when
pressure or contraction emerges. When the Six begins to judge, become negative, complain, feel
concern, worry, or start to control, there needs to be something the Six can do right then to step back
and see the big picture, free of the interpretations that distort and limit their experience.
It is this living in the present that frees Sixes from the trap of their ego. This is the training for Sixes
who live out of their concerns to free themselves of the unnecessary contracting interpretation of life.
The more you develop the part of the brain that observes, the freer you are of the story you make up to
frame and distort the pure experience. And the more innocent and humble you are in life.
With practice you are strengthening this linkage, this connection to Awareness. The part of you that
can Observe becomes more developed so that it is not overshadowed by experiences or their
distorting interpretation. Increasingly you maintain the purity of Self in every experience while
experiencing life. This is 200% of Life you are now living. 100% of the richness of outer life together
with 100% of your inner, anchored, blissful being within your essential nature.
To Summarize So Far:
Let’s summarize where we are in our discussion so far. For those with strong Six energies, so far in
the pursuit of being healthier, we have outlined the inner dynamics the Six encounters that generate
fixated ego needs and distorting pressures in their personality. Through their Mind they are gaining
increased self-awareness of their inner world. These understandings and awarenesses will enable
them to see through the illusion of what they assumed “really matters” whenever their consciousness
contracts inside and overshadows their presence.
These understandings are hugely important. Without them, people will unconsciously act out these
pressures, completely righteous of their “reality,” with little understanding of why these tendencies
can distance their partner (and their kids as they grow up). This is the function of the mind -- to gain
these understandings and use them to navigate more effectively in getting their ego needs met.
We also have pointed out the importance for Sixes to be aware of when they have moved up into
their discriminating head, and eclipsed their Heart energies, so they can readily shift back into
opening up their heart and becoming vulnerable. Awareness of these inner dynamics is also huge.
Otherwise the Six can interpret that “they do what do” because they care, without realizing that what
they primarily care about is avoiding that fearful place of chaos inside of themselves. Becoming more
whole as a human being involves also strengthening their ability to connect to and feel what others
go through and need. It also involves connecting to and owning their own vulnerable needs and
insecurities within themselves.
Transcending the mind and the heart, we have suggested the importance of strengthening one’s pure
Awareness at the core of their being. This Spiritual awareness is the basis of each experience.
Called mindfulness, we are stepping back as it were, grounding our awareness from Self in engaging
the world -- both our inner world of thoughts and feelings and the outer world of pleasure and pain.
Developing this awareness is what frees us from the narrow confines of the ego and the insecurities
that can drive it.
It is important to realize that whenever we begin to be dominated by evaluating instead of simply
experiencing, we can simply shift our awareness to the Observer, to pure Awareness in that moment.
As we continue to stay open to the experience as it is, unfettered by expectations or anticipations, we
engage more fully with life. It also provides us with all of the data necessary to move us forward in
the progression of experience.
Integrating these three awarenesses is the path of more effective growth as human being. Our Mind
develops clearer understandings and strategies. The awareness and strengthening of our connection
to our Heart enables more balance and fulfillment within our selves, and caring and love in our
relationships. And developing our Spiritual Selves in our everyday experience by increasing our
pure Awareness, unadulterated by the dominating interpretation of an insecure ego, this is the basis
of gaining inner wholeness, holiness, and freedom.
Finally, we complete the picture by incorporating the awareness that grounds us in our Physical
Body. In this way, every dimension of what it is to be human is being developed into an integrated
whole being.
Learn to Come Back Into Your Body. And Learn How to Relax.
The last anchor for Sixes awareness is developing their grounded-ness in their body. Being grounded
is an important element to culture for mental types like Sixes. Sixes need to be able to move out of
their analytical, scanning head, come back into their body and Relax. To the extent that Sixes are
overthinking or worrying, to that extent they are disconnected from their bodies. When this happens
their breathing becomes more shallow, their heart rate or blood pressure tends to elevate and they
become only vaguely aware of their body.
Sixes can value from learning how to shift their focus to back to the ground of their being in their
body to anchor them in that moment. Just as Head energy is different from Heart energy, it is also a
very distinctly different energy when grounded in the Body. When people can bring their full
awareness back into their body, breathe fully, they can find their Center, their ground of Being. This
state of awareness is naturally found when people are relaxed. That is when their body awareness is
most integrated into their experience.
So an additional exercise for Sixes is developing this Body Awareness. Shifting their attention from
what they think to what their body feels. Take a few deep breaths, and shift awareness to every
sensation going on in the body. Feel the sensation of your heart beating, your feet on the ground,
what the thighs are experiencing right now sitting on the hard chair, what if feels like in your
stomach, or the muscles in your back. Become aware of where there is any tightness or tension,
sensation or flow, pleasure or lightness. Just become aware of it in that moment. Be the sensation.
Relax. It is the actual physical sensations that will help shift and re-anchor your attention back home.
An important link to body awareness is your Breathing. Tension causes the awareness to contract
and your breaths to shorten. It is a survival mechanism. So it is important to shift out of it by
countering it. Become aware of your breathing when you notice that you start to move into your
head with worry or concern. Right then take a number of full, deep breaths. Bring your awareness
completely to your breathing. This will calm you by relaxing the constriction and help ground you
in connecting your awareness back into your body.
Another important way to counter the natural contraction under tension is in Stretching out the
contracted muscles. This is why people do yoga asanas. Under tension, the muscles and circulatory
system become uptight. Yoga asanas are specific postures that free up each area of the body by
lengthening the various muscles and thereby restoring them to their flexible, natural fluid state. In
doing so, the energy flows freely, without all of the stressful pressure held in by contraction. A
regular daily practice of stretching or yoga will lengthen the muscles back to their natural fluid state.
The result is an increased flexibility throughout your body that increases your resiliency when
exposed to stress.
Just as you can tell the difference when you are feeling grounded in your heart energy, you can
readily tell when you feel connected in your body.
As you develop these connections, this
coordination of awareness into your body, you will feel more relaxed and grounded within yourself.
As a Six you will find yourself feeling fundamentally more secure. This is the progression. You are
building up muscles so to speak by restoring body awareness, flexibility, and fluidity in your body.
Whenever you feel completely relaxed in your body, when all of the channels are open, you will feel
the wonderful, life-force energies coursing through you. You feel alive, open, connected to your
whole self, without a concern in your head. This is a different fundamental energetic experience than
when you are overthinking. Thinking for a Six tends to overshadow their awareness and connection
to their body. Just as it does to their Heart and their Spiritual Being.
Learning to Truly Relax:
Experiencing the Deepest Relaxation and Restfulness in Your Body
The one thing Sixes yearn for is inner peace -- being able to truly relax and have peace of mind. With
all of the responsibilities and pressures that the Six can take on and carry inside, it can be important
to learn how to relax effectively.
Interestingly, the deepest physical relaxation and rest we can experience, when our body relaxes
more deeply than any other time, is when our mind settles down and relaxes into pure Silence at the
core of our being. This is the innocent peace that passeth understanding. And this is the natural
domain of meditation.
When the five senses of perception and the mind are still,
this is called the highest state.
Katha Upanishad 2.3.10
When the mind is completely silent in pure meditation, at one within its Self, this is when the body
experiences the deepest rest and relaxation possible. As the attention settles down in meditation,
one’s breathing naturally becomes less and less. The heart rate also becomes less. All of the vital
signs change to reflect this innocent state of pure “restful alertness” where the body is deeply relaxed
and the awareness is fully expanded and alert.
The range of natural physiological changes that result from silent meditation are easy to document
scientifically. In the reams of published research on meditation, it turns out that this deepest
relaxation that the body and mind can experience happens regularly for those during the process of
Transcendental Mediation (TM). TM is the most researched meditation practice. It has over seven
volumes of scientific studies from more than 200 academic institutions and laboratories in 35
countries around the world, published in the most recognized journals, on the range of healthy
effects it produces, both during the meditation and in one’s life.
TM is also unique in meditation practices in that it is completely effortless. There is no effort
involved in the process as one’s attention innocently moves into more and more relaxed states to
pure Silence within. People practice TM twice daily for 20 minutes. And it involves no belief,
religion, or lifestyle change. This ease of practicing TM and the range of documented healthy results
is probably why more people around the world practice TM than any other meditation or relaxation
practice.
As an indication of the deeper quality of rest that happens during TM, a Harvard University study
published in Scientific American showed that the rest during 20 minutes of TM as measured by oxygen
consumption was over twice that of a full night’s sleep.
Source: Scientific American, February 1972.
We know that rest is a natural healer. When we are tired, fatigued, emotionally drained, a good
night’s sleep will restore the nervous system and consciousness back into natural balance. So it is
important that we all are getting enough rest. But is the quality of rest of a good night’s sleep deep
enough to resolve the deeper rooted tensions, the churning inside that plague us all? Will simply
going to sleep or a taking a vacation to the beach bring deep enough quality of rest to heal our core
insecurities and emotional wounds? This unique, all-encompassing rest in TM enables the
physiology to normalize the deeper-seated tensions and wounds that the rest of sleep cannot reach.
This is why researchers have found that regular twice-a- day practice of TM generates an increasingly
more peaceful mind and healthier body. There are hundreds of studies that document significant
changes in one’s health and personality as a result of practicing TM. Go to www.tm.org/research-onmeditation and look at the range of changes from the amazing number of studies that have been
scientifically documented, including:
Reduced Insomnia
Decreased Cholesterol
Reduced Stroke
Fewer Doctor Visits & Hospital Admissions
Reduced Use of Tobacco & Alcohol
Improved Psychological Health
Increased Self-Esteem and Self-Actualization
Decreased Depression
Improved IQ, Learning Ability, and Academics
Higher Graduation Rates with Low GPA Students
There are also numerous studies in the workplace that show increased work productivity, improved
relations with co-workers and supervisors, and increases in personal job satisfaction. There are even
published studies on TM showing its effectiveness in prison rehabilitation. All of this from just
twenty minutes twice a day to relax!
Today, nearly one in three American adults has high blood pressure—a major risk factor for heart
disease and stroke, and a concern for Sixes. Recently, the American Heart Association issued a
statement saying that the Transcendental Meditation technique is the only meditation practice that
has been consistently shown to lower blood pressure. They reviewed the research on meditation and
relaxation techniques, including mindfulness (MBSR), and concluded that “other meditation
techniques are not recommended in clinical practice to lower BP at this time.”
One recent study presented at the AHA meeting in Orlando found that high risk patients who
practiced TM cut their risk of heart attacks, strokes, and deaths roughly in half compared with a
group of similar patients who were given more conventional education about healthy diet and
lifestyle.
A meta-study in Hypertension demonstrated TM to be equally effective as prescription drugs for
lowering high blood pressure.
“If the TM Program were a pill, it would be a billion dollar blockbuster.”
Dr. Norman E. Rosenthal, Psychiatrist, Scientist, & Best Selling Author
Dr. Eisenberg of Harvard University in this meta-study found that no research published to that
point, from 1970 to 1991, had demonstrated effectiveness of any other meditation, biofeedback, or
relaxation technique at lowering blood pressure beyond placebo.
Source: www.maharishiayurvedaindia.com
Says reviewer Dr. Steele Belok at Harvard Medical School in the face of these studies, “It was an
appealing egalitarian idea -- all stress management techniques are created equal. But it now appears that this
idea doesn’t fit the objective evidence. The statistical data in this meta-analysis strongly indicates that
Transcendental Meditation is uniquely effective.” This is why the National Institutes of Health has
granted more than $20 million to study the TM technique’s benefits in preventing and treating heart
disease, hypertension, and stroke.
Meditation may be important for Sixes as they tend to be more prone to anxiety. A Stanford
University research study published in the Journal of Clinical Psychology involved a meta-analysis of
146 independent studies found that the Transcendental Mediation technique is twice as effective at
reducing trait anxiety when compared with concentration, contemplation, or other relaxation and
meditation techniques.
Source: Journal of Clinical Psychology, 45 (1989) 957-974
I point out this research on meditation because the primary source of issues in Sixes confront within
themselves in relationships is anxiety. If Sixes are to grow, they need to learn to channel their tension
in healthier ways (all of the above In Order to Grow suggestions) and learn how to resolve those core
insecurities within themselves. Both approaches are important and necessary. However, if they can
relax and naturally heal those inner sources of stress, this provides a stronger foundation for more
rapid progress and growth. And if you are going to take the time to meditate, it is helpful to educate
yourself as to the various processes to choose from.
So if rest and healing is important to you, you may wish to look into meditation. The TM technique is
easily learned in TM Centers around the world. If you are interested, you can learn more about it at:
www.tm.org.
When You Are Carrying Too Much Emotional Pressure Inside
-- Learn How to Feel Safe to Naturally Cry (Regularly)
There are two natural physiological processes for resolving inner stress. The first is rest, a natural
healer. The second is crying. Whenever there is too much inner pressure or upset feelings, it is
natural for the body to discharge the overwhelming tension and cry. This is the way the brain was
designed in humans to release the build up of distress. Babies do so naturally -- they cry whenever
they are distressed and they require a lot of rest and sleep.
Crying does not need to be learned. It is an innate regulatory process for cleansing the nervous
system of the build up of stress and emotional tension. It is natural, however, most of us have
learned growing up to inhibit this innocent process for restoring our inner balance and peace of
mind. As small children mature, it is important that they learn to manage their emotions, just as they
need to learn to manage their bladders. Children are potty-trained where they can cleanse their
bladders in specifically designed, safe frameworks -- bathrooms. But with regard to inner distress,
they are taught to hold all of the tension and emotions in.
There usually are no safe frameworks where people can go and feel positive about crying. In fact, for
many it is a taboo, childish, an indication that there is something wrong with them if they are crying.
For most people it is shamed as a weakness, that they are not “strong” or healthy. In fact, it is the
opposite. Holding in, stuffing emotional tension is what makes us psychologically weak and
physically unhealthy. The majority of diseases people encounter in the United States are
psychosomatic -- stress generated health problems. And most all of the psychopharmacological
medications people take are to sequester and counter the amount of emotional pressure they are
carrying inside so that they can cope.
It is human to have insecurities -- deep-seated emotional wounds that churn at the core of our being.
We are simply carrying way too much inner pressure in our personalities. No wonder so many
problems show up in our lives. However, most people have learned early on their lives to inhibit
what is essential and natural for cleansing the build up of stress and for healing past emotional
wounds. Instead of regularly processing their inner stress and upset feelings, they hold it all inside
and act it out, or take it out on someone. People have a lot of crying to do if they wish to free
themselves of these wound’s binding hold on them. This is why learning safe frameworks that enable
you to safely process emotions is an important skill to restore.
Whenever you are stressed out, overwhelmed, upset, frustrated -- if you feel completely safe and
assured so that you can relax your inhibition, you will start to cry. Why? Crying is a natural release
and healing of inner emotional pressure and wounds.
This is also the purest way to heal our 90’s -- our deepest insecurities. Our insecurities are anchored
in deep-rooted, unresolved emotional wounds starting from the birth trauma through childhood and
adolescence. The times in our lives when we were most sensitive and impressionable. Growing up it
was not safe to stay open and feel those feelings fully to resolution. We held them in. And that is
why the original stressful impacts that were registered still churn inside unconsciously. We usually
only become aware of their intensity when they are triggered in our relationships.
Whenever someone is triggered and upset, we teach people safe frameworks that enables them to go
lie down with their partner, open up and experience the emotional tension fully to resolution. The
emotional safety enables them to release all of the toxic energy of the build up of inner stress. But
more than that, the natural tools we teach enable people to innocently move past the triggering event
to the underlying original pain they have been sitting on all of these years. These wounds (the
“90’s”) are allowed to finally be processed to their natural resolution.
Whenever you are stressed-out, upset, feeling depressed or anxious, you can quickly cleanse and
resolve those inner pressures together. In this process we teach, you will not only feel better, you
will have freed up a deeper part your Self. You come out feeling at peace, centered, wiser, seeing
everything in perspective, free of all of the inner turmoil that was triggered. This is an invaluable,
innocent human process to learn how to restore, harness, and take advantage of together on a regular
basis.
Those of us as couples who learn to safely process together the build up of inner stress and tensions,
share a deeper bond of intimacy and connection. If I can feel safe to cry with you, that bond of trust
is incredible. If you can be there for me as I safely go through some of the unconscious fears and
pains I have been saddled with, that is true intimacy. You are my lover, you are my best friend, you
are there for me in my most vulnerable moments. In fact, it is quite a poignant experience to share
together when you each feel safe enough to open up and cry in the other’s arms.
Most people, however, have internalized from childhood social taboos about crying. So the idea of
lying down and crying may seem foreign, or even unnatural to them. This can be true for Sixes as
their comfort zone is up in their head, trying to make sense of everything. They are wired to restore
inner equilibrium in the face of anxiety or emotional pressure by figuring things out, not by crying
about them. If they can just makes sense of the problem and solve it, they will be able to relax again.
On the contrary, becoming even more vulnerable right then, opening up into their feelings. could feel
threatening. And it might also mean feeling that they are losing control. To many Sixes not feeling
“in control” is bad. Their ego’s survival tends to be based on being up in their head and being in
control.
In reality, this is a trap. By avoiding these feelings, people end up absorbing all of the stressful
impacts, and swallowing them. No some will be drawn to anti-anxiety medications to “take the edge
off.” Or a glass of wine, or a drink. In every personality type, people tend to carry way too much
inner tension inside. There is too much inner chatter and pressure going on. It is for this reason I
make these suggestions.
Fortunately, it is easy to learn safe frameworks that will enable you to relax your inhibition, open up
and do what is most natural -- cry. For both men and women. After all, this is most essentially
human. In the 1980’s and 90’s, I used to lead workshops around the country, teaching people how to
process their emotions together. How to feel safe to restore their natural ability to cry, enabling them
to cleanse inner stress and heal their deeper-seated, unresolved feelings and wounds.
My partner and I process emotions regularly in our lives. Whenever emotional tension builds up, we
go lie down together and process those feelings safely, quickly and efficiently to resolution. I cannot
imagine having to sit on, carry inside, or act out those inner tensions. Nothing goes underground in
our relationship. It is so wonderful to be able to free oneself so easily from their negative, binding
influence. And to be accessing and healing the deeper-seated insecurities that gives rise to those
tensions.
We also meditate twice a day -- our time for deep rest and peace in restoring selves in the face of all
our activities. It is especially wonderful in the late afternoon to be able to close our eyes and
completely refresh our selves. And in the process accelerate the inner healing that frees us of our
deepest insecurities. These are fundamental tools for conscious living.
Watch Other Sixes
-- Those Who Are Insecure vs. Those Who Are Healthy
Lastly, the best and most effective way for you (and each Enneagram type) to grow is to experience
first-hand what it is like for others to be with you or to be around you. It can be so difficult to grasp
why people can find you off-putting or difficult to be around, given how natural your world feels to
you. It is easier to get that experience, however, when you know people of your Enneagram type
who are even more insecure and completely unconscious of how they distance others. That you can
readily feel!
When you have lived with, or depended on, or have been friends with someone of your type who is
even more dysfunctional, insecure, needy, over-the-top than you -- that experience will help you
more fully realize how you distance others with your own inner pressures and blinders. This gives
you the first hand, direct experience of what it is like for people living and depending on you. More
than anything else, these realizations can make a deep impact on you -- where you step out of your
narrow world and truly get how you show up and act out your insecurities with others.
For example, if your partner’s mother or father is a really dysfunctional, over-the-top Six, that will do
it. Having them come and stay with you periodically and seeing how they deal with their inner
tensions and anxieties, and how they treat others, that is the kind of experience that have an impact
on you. You finally get to experience what others experience about you that is out of balance.
The ideal place to discover this is being in a support group with other Sixes. There you would
readily see the distortions in the other’s personality. Having read this profile, the dynamics outlined
here about Sixes would stand out clearly to you. In the group you would see and hear from members
who are even more insecure and dysfunctional than you. And you would also experience what it is
like for those Sixes who are more self-aware, healthy, and integrated than you. This modeling would
give you a stronger sense of the path you are on, and what you need to do to accelerate your personal
growth.
How else are you going to get what it is like living with you? Whenever your partner complains,
blames, shames, or accuses you for being out-of-balance, it probably does not go very far. After all, it
does not feel so out of balance to you. And the attack could easily make you defensive or defiant. Or
it will shut you down. It is hard to take it in when you are being hammered. The realizations do not
tend to take root.
For all of us, it can be difficult to step out of our reality and experience what others must go through
depending on us. Everything we do feels so natural in our world (given our insecurities and needs).
Even when we are upset, or are needy, or acting out our inner pressures, it is still very difficult to
experience it from the other side. Being in a group of Sixes, or watching an unhealthy Six act out his
or her insecurities, with these new understandings this can give this indelible experience about your
self.
This can be the most effective way for you to get where you, too, tend to be out-of-balance in your
personality. This will also make it clearer to you the existence of the underlying 90’s that drive those
distortions. It all starts to become plain as day.
For me personally, as I am so familiar with the inner world of each personality type, I readily see
these dynamics in each person I meet. I see their gifts, what is so striking and wonderful about each
person. And I see their needs and insecurities, the pressures that tend to drive them over-the-top.
This has been the fastest way for me to grow in gaining self-awareness in my personality. It is not
only helpful in better recognizing my own gifts, insecurities, and pressures, but also in understanding
and in wisely and compassionately responding to other people’s worlds. These valuable awarenesses
are not used to judge each of them, but to better relate, honor and appreciate their humanness. After
all, we are all in the same boat -- to the extent we are separate from Self, as human as it is, it is not
always easy. We certainly all deserve that compassion and understanding.
Staying Conscious Is The Path to Liberation
All of these awarenesses, skills and tools are designed to enable us to be Conscious, and stay
Conscious. Pure Consciousness is our nature. Being fully Conscious -- keeping our hearts always
open -- to all of the pleasure and love as well as to all of the pain of Life -- that is how we grow and
evolve to a healthier, more enlightened life. Being fully Conscious -- keeping our minds always open
-- being ever curious to discover who we are, and all of the inner dynamics affecting each of us, that is
how we grow in the skill in Living. It is how we grow to Be who we are.
Much of the journey for each Enneagram type involves becoming aware of, and purifying, the
distortion in their ego. Just as by becoming more aware of the diseases we might face enables us to
develop healthier lifestyles that promote wholeness in our body. So I hope as Sixes these
awarenesses will inspire you as a roadmap to a conscious life of pursuing wholeness within
yourselves. . . . . .
.......
Crossing The River By Styles
ONES approach the river from the one and only perfect place to cross.
TWOS start to cross the river then double back to help others cross. As
they continue to do this, they never get to cross the river themselves.
THREES wear their best and wait at the edge until they are the center of
attention. Then they do the best, eye-catching strokes as they cross
the river.
FOURS use a variety of fancy styles and even do a water ballet.
FIVES never get into the river. They hide behind trees and take notes
and examine what everybody else does.
SIXES distrust the river currents. They wait, of course, for the security of
others to take the ferry across the river.
SEVENS splash and dive and generally have a party, and it doesn't
even matter if they ever cross the river.
EIGHTS march into the water and swim Upstream -- against the current.
NINES amble into the water and float Downstream with the flow of the
current.

The Couples Enneagram Handbook

Transcription

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