Lasting Friendships Between Women

Transcription

Lasting Friendships
Between Women
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Study 1: Equal Opportunity Friendships
Leader’s Guide — Article
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Study 2: The More Friends the Merrier
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Study 3: Finding Life Friends
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Study 4: Cultivating Friendships
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Study 5: Words of Wisdom
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Study 6: Unlikely Friends
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©2009 Christianity Today International
ChristianBibleStudies.com
L e a d e r ’s G u i d e
Equal
Opportunity
Friendships
I t ’s a j oy to h ave all k inds of fr ie nds.
Where is it written that friends have to be
carbon copies of us? When we were children
the predominant factor in choosing friends
was geographical location. Whoever lived
nearby was a potential friend. But as we
grew up, our worlds became larger. When we
reached adulthood, we found we could become
friends with people of different cultures and ages.
Can we learn from those who are older than we are?
Do we have anything to offer those who are younger than we are?
Can we be friends with those who don’t share our beliefs? This study
will look at what these friendships can offer.
Scripture: 1 Samuel 18:3; John 15:5,15; Acts 10:1–33; James 2:23; Titus 2:3–5
Based on: “Unexpected Friends,” by Camerin J. Courtney, T o d ay ’ s C hri s ti an
W o m a n , November 1996, No. 6, Page 66
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L a s t i n g F r i e n d s h i p s B e t w e e n Wo m e n
Equal Opportunity Friendships
Leader ’s Guide
Part 1
Identify the Issue
N o te to Lea der : Prior to the class, provide for each p erson the ar ticle
“U n ex p ec ted Fri en ds” f rom T o d ay ’ s C h r i s t i a n W o m a n magazine (include d
a t t h e en d of th i s study) .
As young children, we were often thrown together with other children because their
parents were friends with our parents. If this mix happened when we were young enough,
we learned to get along.
Another criteria we used to pick friends was their belongings. The child who had a swing
set in his or her backyard did not lack friends, nor did the lucky one with a swimming
pool.
As we grew older, we began to pick friends for different reasons. Many times we chose
friends on the basis of our common interests. It made sense that we had friends that liked
the same things we liked and hated the things we hated.
Discussion Starters:
[Q] Share what your first friend was like. How old were you and how long did the
friendship last?
[Q] What was the craze when you were growing up? Did you have toys that drew
other kids to your house? What toys would cause you to feign friendship?
[Q] What kinds of things did you enjoy doing with your friends when you were little?
[Q] As a child, did you have any friends who were truly different than you? How did
you meet them?
Part 2
Discover the Eternal Principles
Teaching Point One: Friendship is God’s idea.
Read James 2:23. Friendship was God’s idea, as in this verse where he called Abraham his
friend. Since he created it, he can provide it. Although our paths may sometimes have
broken friendships along the way, we can also experience friendships that are fulfilling,
significant, and long lasting.
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Leader ’s Guide
Read 1 Samuel 18:3 about two friends. Having a relationship with Almighty God can teach
us how to have a relationship with one another. In this case David and Jonathan were close
friends. Jonathan would have done anything for David, and he proved it. Friendships can be
close and fulfilling.
When Jesus came, he, too, had friends. They were a motley crew he chose one by one from
different walks of life. Though each was different, Jesus loved them all. Read John 15:15.
Jesus calls his disciples friends. The whole idea of friendship was God’s idea.
[Q] If you could choose one character from the Bible to be a friend, other than Jesus,
share who it would be and why.
[Q] What characteristics of a good friend do you think Abraham possessed? Why would
God call him his friend?
[Q] What is the difference between a friend and a servant? Why did Jesus make this
distinction?
Teaching Point Two: Passing on life experiences can be enriching.
We are accustomed to sharing our life experiences with family members, but another gratifying opportunity is to share some of those same experiences with younger friends. Read Titus
2:3–5. God instructs older women to teach younger women. Who among us has not felt
grateful when someone has taken the time to warn us about something she has experienced (if
it’s said in the right way)? Befriending a person, investing in their lives, and then sharing some
of your journey can be a wonderful experience for both parties.
Having younger friends can also give us a perspective we wouldn’t have otherwise. It lets us
into a circle we had already moved out of. Sometimes being with people who do not possess
the relationships you possess can create in you a newfound gratefulness at what God has given
to you. It’s easy to take for granted what we have had for a while. For instance, seeing the
struggles of being single can make your spouse look better to you.
Camerin Courtney writes, “I realized how much I would have missed if I’d allowed myself to
be paralyzed by the mistaken notion that young mothers don’t have time for friends, or that
older women have nothing to gain from friendship with someone half their age. God’s blessings come in all shapes and sizes. Once we discover that, reaching out to people of different
ages or stages in life becomes an adventure.”
In some churches there are small groups who meet according to stages in life. There are other
groups who are eclectic; people from all walks of life come together to study God’s Word and
share life experiences with one another. Attending one of these groups would afford you the
opportunity to get out of your circle and merge with others.
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Leader ’s Guide
[Q] Is a mentorship the same thing as a friendship? What are the similarities, the
differences?
[Q] Share some advice someone older than you imparted that enriched your life. How
did it impact you?
[Q] Do you have an opportunity to form friendships with those who are younger than
you are? What are some of the challenges this might present?
[Q] Can you think of a person or couple younger than you who might benefit from a
friendship with you? What practical things could you do to get this started?
Teaching Point Three: Cultural lines can be crossed for friendships.
Today, whether you live in the United States or in Europe, there exists the opportunity to
meet and get to know people from other cultures. Those in the military are mixed together,
often finding long-lasting friendships with people from different backgrounds. William
Cowper said, “Variety is the spice of life that gives it all its flavor.”
What an opportunity we have to learn about other cultures with our colleges full of
international students. How interesting it is to learn the different traditions and beliefs each
culture holds. How fun to experience different foods from other cultures. Though differences
exist, there are similarities as well. Smiles are universal. They convey much to a person who is
far away from anything familiar.
Cultivating a friendship with someone from another culture can be rewarding. There are
friendships formed here in the United States which blossom into lifelong interactions. E-mail
and snail mail are anticipated month after month. Getting a Christmas card from another
country is exciting. It’s the grown-up version of a pen pal.
Courtney said, “Though people from other walks of life may be less convenient to get to
know and even a bit intimidating, I’ve learned they make wonderful friends.” Perhaps we
need to rethink the idea that friendship should be comfortable all the time. Who knows what
could be waiting for us on the other side of a cultural line?
Read Acts 10:1–23.
[Q] What cultural line did Peter have to cross to go see Cornelius?
[Q] Have you ever had a friendship with someone from another culture? What did you
find most interesting about it?
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Leader ’s Guide
[Q] What culture are you drawn to? What is a practical way you could meet someone
in that culture who could become a potential friend?
[Q] What would be the greatest challenges in cultivating a cross-cultural friendship?
Brainstorm how you could overcome those challenges
Teaching Point Four: It’s okay if some friends don’t share your beliefs.
It’s one thing to have a friend from a different culture, or a friend who is at a different stage
in life, but sometimes our friends don’t share our religious beliefs. Is it possible for two
friends with opposing views about God to remain friends? Sadly, some friends part ways
over the issue of God. It’s funny how we all start out the same, not knowing about God,
but then cut off those who don’t know him when we do.
Granted, there are times that we change lifestyles and therefore lose friends. Still, it is
possible to have friends that do not have the same beliefs. And when we do stand on
opposite sides, we can be the one to lift them in prayer. If we listen to their struggles, laugh
with them, and take part in their lives, we may be invited to share our stories with them.
We are simply blind people who now see, and that’s what we want to convey.
Sometimes we who find God feel it is our sole responsibility to drag our friend to a saving
knowledge of Christ, forgetting for a moment that is not how we came. Others have come
to know about God and kept it a secret for fear of disapproval. The story was told about
one such conversion. When a young woman (I’ll call her Betty) heard about salvation and
accepted it for herself, she immediately ran to tell her friend next door. Upon hearing the
news her friend replied. “Oh, I’m a Christian too.” To which Betty gently responded, “Why
didn’t you ever tell me?” Being friends with someone with different beliefs is possible; Jesus
did it.
Bill Hybels and Lee Strobel said in Becoming a Contagious Christian:
A person’s coming to Christ is like a chain with many links. There is the first link,
middle links, and a last link. There are many influences and conversations that
precede a person’s decision to convert to Christ …. God has not called me to only be
the last link. He has called me to be faithful and to love all people. We don’t know
where someone is as far as hearing about God and his son Jesus Christ. We can be
obedient by sharing our story when God leads us to. We can be one of those links to
our friends.
Continue reading about Peter and Cornelius in Acts 10:24–33.
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Leader ’s Guide
[Q] How did Cornelius reach out to his friends (v.24)? How might you follow his
example?
[Q] Do you have friends who do not share your religious beliefs? What challenges has
this presented in your friendship?
[Q] Was one of your friends instrumental to your hearing about Jesus? In what way?
[Q] Share about an unsuccessful attempt to share your faith with a friend. What was
the final outcome? Did your friendship survive?
[Q] Have you had the privilege of sharing your faith with someone who accepted
Christ? Share your experience.
Part 3
Apply Your Findings
We have looked at this thing called friendship thoroughly. We have talked about how our
friends don’t have to be duplicates of us. We can have friends who are older and wiser,
younger and not as experienced, from another culture, and we can even have friends
who do not share our beliefs. The Lord can show us how to be friends to those he brings
into our lives. Not everyone we meet will be a friend, but we can be instrumental in
introducing her to the friend of sinners.
Read John 15:5. It has been said that there are friends for reasons, for seasons, and for life.
Jesus is our friend for life. Maybe God has someone in your life that needs a friend like
you. We can actually ask the Holy Spirit to guide us toward future friends. Friendship is
an equal opportunity for all.
[Q] Friends enjoy each other. What does Jesus enjoy about you?
[Q] What is one area from our study that has stretched your thinking?
[Q] As you look back on your friendships, share one in which you especially saw
God’s leading. What made this friendship so special?
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Leader ’s Guide
Optional Activity: Ask each participant to write the word FRIEND vertically on a piece
of paper. Ask them to write a word for each letter depicting a characteristic they would like their
friends to see in them. We are all a work in progress, but this is something we can pray for each
other when everyone is finished.
—Study prepared by Anne Peterson, published poet, speaker, ongoing student of God’s word, and regular contributor to Christian Bible Studies.
Recommended Resources
¿ Check out the following Bible studies at: ChristianBibleStudies.com
• Developing True Accountability
• Friendships That Benefit Parenting
• Authentic Fellowship
¿ www.Kyria.com
¨ Celebrating Friendship: Women of Faith Series, Traci Mullins (Zondervan Corp.,
1998; ISBN: 031021338X)
¨ Friends: How to Maintain a Healthy Relationship, Ade Adesina (Destiny Image,
2004; ISBN: 8890058889)
¨ The Friendships of Women, 10th Anniversary Edition, Dee Brestin (Cook
Communications, 1997; ISBN 1564766322)
¨ Join me For Tea: Infusing Friendships with Love and Laughter, Emilie Barnes
(Harvest House Gifts, 2001; ISBN: 0736906681)
¨ Virtues of Friendship and Loyalty, William J. Bennett (Thomas Nelson, 2001;
ISBN: 0849917255)
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Article
Unexpected Friends
Don’t let age, marital status, or other differences
rob you of a great friendship.
By Camerin J. Courtney, for the study,
“Equal Opportunity Friendships”
Three years ago, nearly all my friends resembled me: twenty something, never married, career
minded, childless. Yet, when I moved from my college town of Des Moines, Iowa, to Chicago for
my first job, this changed dramatically. Suddenly I was dining out with mothers of toddlers, going to
antique fairs with women in their 40s, and attending aerobics classes with stay-at-home moms. It was
great, but strange.
To be honest, women who wield diaper bags intimidated me. They knew this whole other lingo (nuks
and sippy cups) and lived by a completely different schedule (4:00 a.m. feedings!). And I’d just
assumed women who were old enough to have birthed me wouldn’t want to hang out with me. But
I was wrong. And as women of other ages and stages in life got to know me, they revealed similar
fears: Would a young single woman find a mom of teens interesting? I would, and I do. When we all
got past our fears and reservations, some great friendships developed.
Though people from other walks of life may be less convenient to get to know and even a bit
intimidating, I’ve learned they make wonderful friends. Whether you’re in your twenties or forties,
married or single, childfree, a mother, or a grandmother, here’s why it’s worth pursuing friendships
with women outside your comfort zone.
They know stuff you don’t.
One of the first people I got to know at my new job was Jan. She was a single, forty-year-old woman
who worked in the office next to mine. I learned she was into gardening, interior design, and Color
Me Beautiful. And, more importantly, she was willing to share all this information with me, her twentytwo-year-old coworker.
Within months Jan had me pegged as an “autumn,” and told me which colors looked best on me in
my slowly expanding work wardrobe. A year later, she helped me move into a new apartment and
even stayed around to help arrange the furniture and decorations. As a young woman establishing
my career and setting up my first “home,” I soaked in every ounce of advice and wisdom.
But probably my most valuable conversations with Jan were about dating. It was great to have a
friend who offered both the wisdom of years of dating experience and the current knowledge of what
it’s like to be single. Just as valuable as Jan’s advice was her example. After dating for a couple
decades, she was still surviving—in fact, thriving—in a full, active life. On several occasions I simply
needed to know this was possible.
They help dispel stereotypes.
The evening news, movies, and magazines would have us believe all Generation Xers are whiny
slackers who are short on personal hygiene and long on contempt for the world. I’ve met more than
one woman who’s bought into this stereotype and expressed surprise when she discovered I’m a
normal, functioning human being who falls into this age bracket.
As frustrated as the Gen-X stereotype makes me, I must admit I’ve bought into a few stereotypes of
my own. For example, I used to think when you grow older, you slow down and life becomes a bit
boring. That was until I met Gloria, a sixty-three-year-old woman in the exercise class I lead. She’s
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one of my most dedicated students. And when she does miss a class, it’s usually because she’s
learning about painting, pottery-making, bread-baking, or ballroom dancing in a class somewhere
else.
And there’s Barb, my fifty-something coworker who, along with her sixty-something husband, is
constantly flying overseas for vacations in places like the Holy Lands and Bermuda.
These women are more than just stereotype-defying models of older age; they’re my friends. And
through our conversations I’ve learned older women have a lot more spunk than I’ve ever given
them credit for. I’ve often told Barb, “I can’t wait until I grow up and can jet-set around the world
like you.” She just smiles and replies, “I’ve earned it.” And through our friendship I’ve come to view
aging with anticipation instead of anxiety. I’d better rest up—it sounds like my most active years are
yet to come!
They offer joy from the past and hope for the future.
I’m one of two single women on my immediate staff of eighteen people. Consequently, whenever I
mention a man’s name or talk about an outing that remotely resembles a date, I’m met with many
raised eyebrows from my female friends in the office. When I receive flowers, I don’t know who’s
more excited, my married coworkers or me.
Some singles might cringe at this “nosiness,” but I don’t mind much. These are the same women
who let me sit in their offices and overanalyze every movement, word, and expression of my
current flame, or bemoan the fact that there aren’t enough decent single Christian men in this
world.
And I realize there are certain advantages to being single that married people can no longer
enjoy—like the rush of a new relationship. While some days I’d love to trade in my singleness for
the mature love of marriage, I let these married friends share in my current excitement.
“We’re just reliving our single years through you, you know,” Louise, a thirty-four-year-old coworker,
told me one day after I’d answered a barrage of questions from her and several others about a
special date. I know, and I kind of enjoy it. Letting my married friends vicariously enjoy the best of
being single is the least I can do to show my appreciation for their relationship advice. And besides,
that’s what friends are for.
On the flip side, being around so many married friends gives me a clear-cut vision of how great
marriage can be. Recently I traveled to North Carolina to spend a four-day weekend with my friend,
Christa, and her new husband, Mark. Christa and I had been friends in Chicago for a little over
a year before she married and moved out east. While she lived here and was dating Mark long
distance, Christa and I spent many hours sitting around her dining room table talking about her
dreams of marrying him.
My trip gave me the chance to see up close the fulfillment of her seven-year dream. Over four days
of gabbing, shopping, and hanging out at the beach, I was bowled over by contagious newlywed
love. They called each other “babe” and “hon” and kissed every time they’d been apart—even if
was only for a half hour. Having a front-row seat to this blossoming marriage gave me a renewed
hope that sometimes dreams do come true, and it really is worth the wait for God’s perfect timing.
They remind you that the grass is pretty green on your side of the fence, too.
A few weeks ago on a Saturday morning, Louise and I set out on a search for a cheesecake outlet
store. We’d read about it in a local guidebook and our common love of cheesecake united us on a
mission: to find, to buy, to indulge.
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Louise’s two sons—Scott, eight, and Alex, two—went with us. I’d almost forgotten how much
fun being around kids can be. As Scott told me about what he was learning in school and Alex
played peekaboo with me, I could hear my biological clock ticking louder and louder.
But as the morning wore on, I was also reminded of how much work little ones can be. When we
got out of the car to go into the store, we had to locate mittens and boots that had been flung in
the back of the minivan in an act of two-year-old defiance. We lugged out the stroller … and a
blanket … and a favorite toy. As I watched Louise mediate sibling warfare, the ticking got fainter
and fainter.
Later that afternoon, when I ran a few errands by myself, I noticed the ease with which I whizzed
in and out of the car. The only thing I had to lug around was my purse. And there in the middle
of the grocery store parking lot, I silently thanked God for this child-free time in my life. Perhaps
someday I’ll enjoy the special title “Mommy” and all the blessings that go along with it—but for
now I need to appreciate the blessings of freedom and ease.
I’m afraid I’ve done my share of making others appreciate their lot in life as well. Over dinner
recently, I rehashed my single struggles to my married friend Annette. “He’s a wonderful guy, but
what is being in love really supposed to feel like? My head’s telling me one thing and my heart
another.”
Following some helpful insights, Annette sighed and said, “Boy, am I glad I’m married.” To
anyone else this might have sounded insensitive, but I knew Annette was communicating that
she understood the depth of my struggles. And, besides, I couldn’t blame her. I’d painted such a
dismal picture of dating, what married person wouldn’t be relieved her dating days were done?
I knew that if nothing else productive came out of this conversation (other than some great
venting!), at least Annette’s husband would be greeted by a very appreciative wife that evening.
When I think back over the past three years, I realize how much I would have missed if I’d
allowed myself to remain paralyzed by the mistaken notion that young mothers don’t have time
for friends, or that older women have nothing to gain from friendship with someone half their age.
God’s blessings come in all shapes and sizes. Once we discover that, reaching out to people of
different ages or stages in life becomes an adventure. Stepping outside my comfort zone has
never been more rewarding.
—“Unexpected Friends,” by Camerin J. Courtney,” Today’s Christian Woman, November 1996, No. 6, Page 66
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The More Friends
the Merrier
Cul ti vati n g a gro up of fr ie nds.
Thousands of people lack the courage to take
the risks involved with making friends, and so
they suffer alone. How can we cultivate
friendships that are inclusive? What are the
benefits to having more than one friend?
These are the questions we’ll be asking
(and answering) in this study.
Scripture: Proverbs 11:14; Ecclesiastes 4:12; Matthew 9:9–13;
12:46–50; 19:13–14; Luke 19:1–7; John 14:2
Based on: “Girl Power,” by Camerin Courtney, T o d ay ’ s C hris tian W oman ,
July/August 1999, Vol. 21, No. 4, Page 42
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The More Friends the Merrier
Leader ’s Guide
Part 1
Identify the Issue
“G ir l Power ” f rom T o d ay ’ s C h r i s t i a n W o m a n magazine (included at the en d
o f t h i s study) .
We all experienced it when we were younger. We saw a group of kids that were having
fun, and we took a chance. Slowly, deliberately, we made our way over to their game. We
swallowed the frog in our throats, stammering out the question, “Can I play?” Then we
waited for what seemed like forever to hear the melodious answer, “Sure!”
When we matured, the scenario looked similar as we observed a group of people we wanted
to join, but when we tried to speak, nothing came out of our mouths. We were certain
we wouldn’t be welcome. They would have invited me already if they had wanted to, we tell
ourselves.
It is possible to feel lonely in a room full of people. The truth is, many people are lonely.
Taking a moment to scan a crowded room can fill you in right away. Not everyone is
connected to someone. Read Luke 19:1–7. When Jesus was in a crowd, he noticed someone
who was by himself and reached out to him.
It’s a stretch to reach out to some people. When we have things in common with people, it
makes it easier. When we don’t, we have to work at it. Jesus didn’t have anything in common
with Zacchaeus, but he still sought him out. In fact, it wasn’t popular for Jesus to even make
a movement toward this man. Jesus didn’t care what other people thought—just what his
Father thought.
Larry Crabb said, “Ordinary people have the power to change other people’s lives. The
power is found in connection, that profound meeting when the truest part of one soul meets
the emptiest recesses in another and finds something there, when life passes from one to
the other. When that happens, the giver is left more full than before and the receiver less
terrified, eventually eager to experience even deeper, more mutual connection” (Connecting,
2005).
[Q] Share a time when you wanted to join a group of any kind but your fears got the
best of you. What was the result?
[Q] Are you aware of those who seem to be on the outskirts of a group? What practical
thing can you do the next time you are in a group and notice someone on the fringes?
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Leader ’s Guide
[Q] Share if you are an introvert or an extrovert. How has this helped or hindered you in
getting to know other people?
[Q] Have you experienced the kind of connection that Larry Crabb described? Explain.
Part 2
Teaching Point One: Christianity is non-exclusive.
When we were children, we would vie for our parents’ attention. Siblings were rivals. Getting
time one on one with a parent was always special. Jesus spent this kind of time with his disciples,
for example John, “the disciple that Jesus loved.” But Jesus did not exclude people. Read
Matthew 19:13–14. Even children were not prevented from coming to Jesus. And back in Jesus’
day, children were not given the status they hold today.
It’s easy to exclude people, whether we’re aware of it or not. It takes more work to have a
conversation with several rather than just one. You have to listen twice as hard. But the benefits
could be double. If we are to help expand the kingdom of God, we can start in our backyards.
It’s a practical way to love one another.
Camerin Courtney said, “As women we know the benefits of friendship: support, free advice,
accountability, laugh therapy, prayer, free rides to the airport, last-minute babysitters, shopping
companions, lunch buddies, people to balance out weaknesses—and the list goes on. The
great thing is, these benefits increase exponentially when you add more than one friend to the
picture.”
[Q] Share a special time when you got to spend one-on-one time with one of your parents.
What did you do?
[Q] Name a couple of reasons we choose to do things with just one person instead of
inviting another along.
[Q] How many of your friends know each other? Share if you have done anything as a
group.
[Q] From the list of benefits Courtney gives in the quote above, name the ones you would
rank as the top three.
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Leader ’s Guide
Teaching Point Two: Relationships take time and effort.
We live in a busy world. People hardly walk anywhere. Whether you see someone in a store
or in a car, they usually have a cell phone attached to their ear. We have work, families, and
church. How can we have time for relationships when we have only 24 hours in a day? It’s
true: relationships take work as well as time, but the benefits far outweigh the cost. If we don’t
make the time and effort necessary to have friends, we are the ones that will ultimately lose
out. People can share our joys as well as our sorrows, if we let them. Many of us have family
members that are friends, but we should have friends outside our family as well.
It is not a 1-2-3 formula where you just make a decision, and presto, you have friends. But
nonetheless, it is an investment that will yield great returns. And if you do have one or two
friends, why not add another to the mix? One temptation will be to think, Why add any more
people to my life? I have enough friends; I am content with the way my life is right now. The danger in this thinking is that you are closing the door to what God may have in store for you.
Instead, why not be open to whatever he has in mind? After all, he sees the whole picture. If
you are closed to adding any more people to your life, confess your rigidity to God. He is the
great stretcher of our minds.
Read about how Jesus viewed others in Matthew 12:46–50.
[Q] Contrast friendships today with friendships in years gone by. What were some of the
benefits of living in a slower society when it came to having relationships? What principles
can we borrow from that earlier time period?
[Q] Name the biggest challenge you would face in expanding your list of friends. What
would be the biggest benefit?
[Q] Which would you rather receive: an e-mail, a phone call, or a letter? Mention a
particular one of those that was special to you and why.
[Q] Think of three people God has in your life right now who could become friends.
Share some practical steps you could take to encourage this.
Teaching Point Three: Having abundant relationships means taking
risks.
You may think this is too scary: What if they don’t have a good time? What if they don’t get along?
This sounds too risky. Courtney said, “You don’t know the gang potential of a group of friends
until you try. Sure, it may bomb. But the possibility of a circle of close-knit friends is well
worth the risk of a lousy lunch or an awkward shopping excursion.”
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Leader ’s Guide
One way to minimize the risks is to start slowly and plan outings that are less threatening.
Getting a group together to watch a chick flick may be less intimidating than making plans
for something requiring more participation. You choose how often you all get together. Some
women organize get-togethers every couple of months; others may plan just a yearly event.
One determining factor could be the stage of life of the women.
Read about the risk Jesus took to reach out to others in Matthew 9:9–13.
[Q] What risk did Jesus take in reaching out to Matthew and his friends?
[Q] Share a time when you felt intimidated in a social gathering of people. What was
expected of you? How did it turn out?
[Q] What stage of life would lend itself to getting together more often in groups? Explain
your answer.
[Q] Give at least three reasons why people don’t pursue friendships with more than one
person. Do you claim any of these reasons for yourself?
[Q] Share if you have any friends who do not get along with each other. How have you
handled the situation?
Teaching Point Four: There is strength in numbers.
Sometimes a good friend can lighten a load, but when a heart is really hurting there is strength
in numbers. What if one friend is busy? Having a group of friends can more readily ensure
someone’s availability.
Read Ecclesiastes 4:12. Sometimes a group of friends can stand with you and give you strength
when a difficult decision needs to be made.
Read Proverbs 11:14. Many a time a person in turmoil has turned to friends and seen her
situation more clearly than ever before.
Courtney wrote, “Vulnerability isn’t always easy, but it fosters the kind of intimacy that leads
to deep friendships. The ability of women to rally around someone who’s hurting is amazing.
And that matches our desire for others to gather around us when we’re in need.”
At times it’s easier to reach out to others than it is to let them know you are hurting. Having
a group of friends could increase the chances that there will be someone you feel comfortable
reaching out to. In groups, friends check on friends.
[Q] Share something valuable you have learned about friendships.
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Leader ’s Guide
[Q] Share a time that one of your friends was one of your main supports.
[Q] What advantages could there be to having many friends?
Optional Activity:
Purpose: To recognize the individual gifts we have in our present friends and to foster a sense
of appreciation.
Activity: You are nominating three of your friends for Friend of the Year. Some ideas for
categories are: Friend in Need, Funny Bone, Tell It Like It Is, Shoulder to Cry On, Praying
Hands, Party Planner. Write down three of your friend’s names and the award they are being
nominated for with your supporting reasons. Then think of what the prize would be for your
chosen category. For example, Jane Doe is nominated for the Funny Bone Award because she
actually wore a window valance as a tutu in an improv skit at a women’s retreat. She deserves
this award because she has demonstrated… The prize would be dancing lessons at the Gene
Kelly Dance Studio. The awards can be serious or funny, the prizes outrageous. Then you can
take turns reading your nominations.
Part 3
Apply Your Findings
Sharon Hersh said, “I have discovered that deep within every woman is a heart of longing
for relationships. It is woven into the very fabric of the one in whose image we were made”
(Brave Hearts, 2000). We desire relationships because that’s how we were created. And when
we see the Lord our relationships won’t end but will continue on.
Read John 14:2. Our friendships with believers will continue once we leave this earth.
We will inhabit mansions Jesus is preparing for us. We will fellowship together forever.
This is the time to develop those friendships. We have the privilege of learning to love one
another while we are still here. We get the opportunity of inviting others into our lives, and
ultimately, into God’s family.
Friends are God’s idea. We can take his idea, developing it into a vessel to bring others into
his kingdom. He has instructed us to love each other, submit to each other, and forgive each
other. Friendship gives us the platform to put into effect the things God has asked us to do.
Friends can multiply our joy and divide our grief. They can weep with us, rejoice with us,
and storm heaven for us. And we can return the favor. We can love them with a love only
God provides and invite them into our homes, lives, and hearts. One day, we will enter
heaven. There we’ll sit with our Lord, our family members, and hopefully our friends. There
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Leader ’s Guide
is still time to look around. The people in our lives are not there by accident but by God’s
design. If we look to him, he will show us how to reach out to others and invite them in.
Our friendships don’t have to be an exclusive club—the more, the merrier.
[Q] What practical advice would you give someone who’s having trouble making
friends?
[Q] Share the story of how God brought you and one of your friends together.
—Study prepared by Anne Peterson, poet, speaker, ongoing student of God’s Word, and
regular contributor to Christian Bible Studies.
¿ www.Kyria.com
¨ Brave Hearts: Unlocking the Courage to Love With Abandon, Sharon Hersh
(Random House Inc., 2000; ISBN 1578562961)
¨ Friends: How to Maintain a Healthy Relationship, Ade Adesina (Destiny Image,
2004; ISBN: 8890058889)
¨ Connecting, Larry Crabb (Thomas Nelson, 2005; ISBN 0849945291)
¨ Faithfulness: The Foundation of True Friendship, Jacalyn Eyre (Zondervan
Corp., 2001; ISBN 0310238633)
¨ One Anothering, Richard C. Meyer (Innisfree Press, 1990; ISBN 0931055733)
¨ Six Keys to Lasting Friendships, Carol Kent, Karen Lee-Thorp (NavPress, 2000;
ISBN 1576831329)
18
Article
Girl power!
How to get a circle of friends.
By Camerin Courtney, for the study,
“The More Friends the Merrier”
My fridge front is plastered with pictures of me with four of my closest friends—Karen (my roommate),
Julie, Lisa, and Ruth. There’s a photo of us crammed on a bench on Chicago’s Navy Pier, one of us
in flannel PJs the morning after last year’s New Year’s Eve slumber party, and a shot of us decked
out to go to a swanky German restaurant to celebrate Lisa’s birthday. These photos bring back fond
memories of good times shared with my own little gang.
As women, we know the benefits of friendship: support, free advice, accountability, laugh therapy,
prayer, free rides to the airport, last-minute babysitters, shopping companions, lunch buddies,
people to balance our weaknesses—and the list goes on. The great thing is, these benefits increase
exponentially when you add more than one friend to the picture. When we combine Julie’s never-meta-stranger personality with Karen’s sense of fun, Lisa’s ability to research any vacation destination
or cultural event, Ruth’s get-to-the-point philosophy, and my easy sense of humor, we experience all
manner of adventure we wouldn’t on our own.
We all long for the kind of companionship that allows us to cry on each other’s shoulder at 2
A.M., or send each other into a giggle fit with just one sideways glance. But how do you establish
those intimate friendships? How do you get a gang? Here are a few lessons I’ve learned from my
relationships with the Fab Five—and other gangs of women friends.
Never Underestimate the Power of Prayer.
I distinctly remember driving down a street in Des Moines before my big move to Chicago, the Windy
City, and mentally preparing myself for the lonely days ahead. It’s gonna be hard. Brace yourself, I
thought. Before I could degenerate into having a full-on pity party, another thought hit me: It doesn’t
have to be so tough. It’s as if God tapped me on the shoulder and reminded me oh-so-gently that
he controls the universe, including my relationships. I was humbled and encouraged by his loving
reminder, so I poured out my heart: God, please provide some kindred spirits.
His provision first came in the form of Christa and Jan, two wonderful women I met in my office. As
we interacted at meetings and staff coffee breaks, we discovered common interests in antiques,
quirky romantic movies, Edy’s Grand Light French Silk Ice Cream, and earth-toned clothing. Our
friendships soon blossomed. God had heard—and answered—my prayers. Lesson learned.
And it was a lesson I needed. Within a year of each other, both Christa and Jan moved out of state.
When I felt back at square one with loneliness as a constant companion, I clung to the fact that the
God who’d provided these dear friends in the first place hadn’t changed. He would provide again
according to his plan and time.
Get a Little Risky.
The first time my roommate, Karen, and I invited her coworker, Lisa, and my friend-of-a-friend, Julie,
to join us for dinner one night several years ago, we had no idea what to expect. Lisa and Julie had
never met—and we hadn’t met each other’s friend yet, either. Not exactly the ingredients for a surefire great evening! While we could’ve sat in awkward silence all evening, munching our chips and
salsa, we were pleasantly surprised by the smooth flow of conversation and laughter.
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You don’t know the gang potential of a group of friends until you try. Sure, it’s risky. Sure, it may
bomb. But the possibility of a circle of close-knit friends is well worth the risk of a lousy lunch or
awkward shopping excursion.
Make New Friends, but Keep the Old.
My friend, Michelle, is part of a foursome who’ve been friends since 1979. The secret of their
longevity? A commitment to get together for each other’s birthdays no matter what. One of
Michelle’s friends moved across the country, another is now married with small children, the other
is at seminary. But despite the fact Michelle now has a local circle of girlfriends and a demanding
career in advertising, she still makes these longstanding friendships a priority. “These women are
like sisters to me,” says Michelle. “The richness they bring to my life makes it well worth the effort
to stay in touch.”
Remember: The More the Merrier.
My Fab Five actually started as a Fab Four. Julie, Karen, Lisa, and I used to frequent local
restaurants and share many a Blockbuster night together. Once, we even went on vacation
together—laughing, chatting, eating, and shopping our way through San Antonio, Texas. What fun
memories!
Common ground can be a great foundation for a circle of friends. An awesome bunch of friends
may be right under your nose!
Then along came Ruth. She started out as “Julie’s friend.” They’d met at church, when Julie’s
family “adopted” Ruth, whose nearest relatives lived hundreds of miles away in Puerto Rico. Julie
invited Ruth to some of our get-togethers, and at first she was very quiet. But as we learned to
decipher her Spanish accent and appreciate her tell-it-like-it-is spunk, we discovered a friend who
added new flourishes to our crew. Now Ruth is our friend and we couldn’t picture our gang without
her.
Find Some Common Ground.
My gang and I are all single. My friend, Louise, and her group were all sorority sisters, now
married, who still keep in touch. My mom and four of her closest friends have been playing bridge
together for a couple decades. Common ground can be a great foundation for a circle of friends.
Determine to notice the people around you this week as you go about your daily routine. An
awesome bunch of friends may be right under your nose!
Celebrate!
“We use whatever reason we can come up with to get together,” Louise says about her sorority
sisters. Weddings, baby showers, holidays, and Pampered Chef parties are all excuses to gather
and gab. Every summer these women hold a cookout for their families to get together. “Put food in
front of us, and we can gab for hours!” says Louise.
Despite the challenge of the typical soccer mom schedule, these women make time for each other,
even if only three or four people can attend. “It’s wonderful to celebrate rites of passage together,
and even just life in general,” says Louise. “Before you know it, we’ll be attending graduation
parties for our kids!”
Get Real.
A few years ago, when my gang and I were gathering to celebrate Julie’s birthday, I showed up in
tears. My then-boyfriend of three years and I had just broken up that afternoon. I was miserable,
but I wanted to honor my friend, and I knew I could use the company of these dear friends. So
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I shared my sob story, cried a bit, got a round of hugs, then went out to eat to celebrate Julie’s
special day. Though my eyes were swollen and my heart was nearly broken, I felt safe and
somehow hopeful surrounded by the love, laughter, and support of my gang. Through the years
we’ve helped each other through “female surgery,” deaths in the family, dating disasters, and work
nightmares.
Vulnerability isn’t always easy, but it fosters the kind of intimacy that leads to deep friendships.
The ability of women to rally around someone who’s hurting is amazing. And that matches our
desire for others to gather around us when we’re in need. Sharing real life—warts and all—with
each other fosters friendships faster than just about anything I know. And the rewards of my
gang—all the laughter, deep sharing, prayer support, and silliness—are sweeter than just about
anything I know, too.
—“Girl Power,” by Camerin Courtney, Today’s Christian Woman, July/August 1999, Vol. 21, No. 4, Page 42
21
Finding
Life Friends
How community can help meet our
deepest needs.
Dealing with four young sons and two tragic
losses, Beth Shadid seemed an unlikely
candidate to start a Bible study. Yet as she
looked to God for support, she turned her
focus to the women in her neighborhood.
Beth quickly learned the value of small groups, a
biblical pattern of discipleship that has been bringing
men and women closer to the Lord since the beginning
of Christianity. More surprising, she also learned that sometimes
the best way to get spiritual nourishment is to feed others first.
Who needs Christian friends? What role do small groups play in a
Christian’s spiritual development? How can Christians work with
God to help other believers achieve maturity? We’ll explore these
questions in this study.
Scripture: Exodus 3:7-14; Colossians 4:7-18; James 5:13-20
Based on: “Doing Life Together,” by Jane Johnson Struck, T o d ay ’ s C hri s ti an
W o m a n , March/April 2002, Vol. 24, No. 2, Page 64
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Finding Life Friends
Leader ’s Guide
Part 1
Identify the Issue
“ D o i n g Li f e To geth er ” f rom T o d ay ’ s C h r i s t i a n W o m a n magazine (include d
The average American moves eleven times in his or her life and holds ten different jobs.
Partly as a result of these regular upheavals, most markers of civic engagement have
declined. In his oft-cited book, Bowling Alone, sociologist Robert Putnam noted that
between 1970 and 2000 the amount of time people spent visiting with friends dropped 35
percent, and the memberships of social organizations (like Lions and Kiwanis clubs) slid
60 percent. The days of small-town community, when family and lifelong friends formed
a tight safety net, are largely gone. Many Americans do not know most of their neighbors’
names.
In times of tragedy—loss of a loved one, loss of health, loss of a job—lack of social support
can be devastating. Even in good times, holes in the social fabric affect everyone. As
Putnam told the Atlantic Monthly in 2000, “School performance, public health, crime rates,
clinical depression, tax compliance, philanthropy, race relations, community development,
census returns, teen suicide, economic productivity, campaign finance—even simple human
happiness—are demonstrably affected by how (and whether) we connect with our family
and friends and neighbors and co-workers.”
[Q] Whom would you call first (other than your spouse) in case of an emergency? How
do you know that person?
[Q] How many people on your block could you name? How many neighbors’ houses
have you been inside? How many neighbors would you consider friends? Close friends?
[Q] How many times have you moved and/or changed jobs? How have these
transitions affected the number and quality of your relationships?
[Q] Why do you think Americans are less socially engaged now than they were thirtyfive years ago?
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Leader ’s Guide
Part 2
Teaching Point One: Everyone needs support.
Though this need seems obvious, people have all sorts of reasons for not seeking support;
they’re too busy, too shy, afraid of being let down, afraid of being a burden, and denial—
“Really, I’m doing just fine.” The apostle Paul might have cited these or other reasons
for going it alone—he had a confrontational personality, moved constantly, was wary of
secret enemies, and besides, didn’t he have God to support him? Yet, as Colossians 4:7–18
illustrates, Paul had a lot of help from his friends. Ask someone to read this passage aloud.
[Q] Paul was in prison when he wrote this letter to the Colossians, but he obviously
was not completely without resources. What types of help did Paul receive from the
friends listed here? What does the passage tell you about the network of people who were
responsible for founding the earliest churches?
[Q] Who has filled the following roles in your life: Tychicus (fellow servant, messenger),
Aristarchus (friend who shares your suffering), Epaphras (prayer warrior), Nympha
(female spiritual mentor)?
[Q] In verse 11, Paul notes that the Jews among his fellow workers have been a comfort
to him. People of a common background can be a special blessing. But Christians are
not supposed to associate exclusively with their own kind. Jesus answered the question,
“Who is my neighbor?” with the parable of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:26–37). How
does the support given by those who are unlike you differ from the support given by
close friends? How are both kinds of support necessary for a full Christian life?
[Q] God could support us directly through the Holy Spirit, but he chooses to work
through other people. Why do you think that is?
[Q] What, if anything, prevents you from asking for support? What prevents you from
offering it to others? How might you overcome those barriers?
Teaching Point Two: Everyone needs accountability.
The concept of accountability has broader application than most of us realize. Read James
5:13–20, which shows how to cultivate accountability and why it is worth the effort.
[Q] Several activities in this passage—hearing prayers, healing the sick, accepting
confession, bringing a sinner to repentance—are commonly associated with God, but
James indicates that these activities have a communal aspect as well. How are other
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Leader ’s Guide
Christians involved in these spiritual activities, according to James? Is your Christian
community involved in these activities? Which ones?
[Q] The second part of verse 16 has been used in many contexts. According to the
surrounding verses and other passages of Scripture, what can the prayers of the righteous
accomplish? Will the prayers of the righteous always achieve the desired effects? Why or
why not?
[Q] Though confession is an integral part of Orthodox and Roman Catholic
spirituality, it has something of a negative reputation among Protestants. What are some
pros and cons of confessing one’s sins to a pastor? To a close Christian friend or group
of friends? How might the practice of confession in some form enrich the life of your
church?
[Q] Involving other people intimately in your spiritual life can be dangerous. Examples
of small groups that went bad dot the timeline of church history, from heretical
Montanists in the early church, to fanatical Melchiorite Anabaptists in sixteenth-century
Münster, Germany, to the Branch Davidian cult in Waco, Texas. In less dramatic
fashion, small groups can become too dependent on a charismatic leader, too insular, or
fall prey to subtle theological errors. What safeguards are necessary to assure that small
groups foster healthy spiritual development?
Teaching Point Three: Everyone needs a challenge.
Because Beth Shadid did not consider herself prepared to lead a Bible study, the actual
experience of leading a group brought her to the point of saying, “Okay, God, if this is
what you want me to do, there’s nothing more important in life than being available to
you.” More than any book the group discussed, this lesson in humility and dependence
strengthened Beth’s faith. Moses felt unprepared to lead, too, but read how God reassured
him in Exodus 3:7–14. The question wasn’t whether Moses was up to the task, but whether
God was.
[Q] Moses asks God two questions in verses 11 and 13. The first betrays a lack of
confidence in himself, and the second betrays uncertainty about God. Which type of
doubt is a bigger problem for you?
[Q] God gave Moses a definite task in verse 10. Have you ever felt directly led by God
to do something? If so, how did you respond? What was the outcome? What other ways
has God used to direct you?
[Q] How would Moses’ life have been different if he had refused God’s assignment?
Would Israel’s history have been different?
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Leader ’s Guide
[Q] How has participation in a small group stretched you? If your small group experience
has been comfortable, what other aspect of your spiritual life has been more challenging?
Part 3
Apply Your Findings
Knowledge about small groups is no substitute for the experience of belonging to one. Consider
these questions:
[Q] Who in your social sphere could use more support? How might you, along with some
other Christian friends, offer that support?
[Q] To whom are you accountable on a regular basis? Does your current small group meet
your accountability needs? If not, how might the group be modified to raise its members’
accountability level?
[Q] What is the most significant challenge facing you today? How can your small group
help you meet this challenge? If you cannot think of any significant challenges, where might
God be calling you to stretch?
[Q] How might you become a force for knitting your neighborhood together?
—Study prepared by Elesha Coffman, former managing editor of Christian History & Biography.
¿ www.Kyria.com
26
Leader ’s Guide
¨ Better Together: Restoring the American Community, Robert D. Putnam et al.
(Simon & Schuster, 2003; ISBN 0743235460)
¨ Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community, Robert D.
Putnam (Simon & Schuster, 2001; ISBN 0743203046)
¨ Creating Community: 5 Keys to Building a Small Group, Andy Stanley and Bill
Willits (Multnomah, 2005; ISBN 1590523962)
¨ Leading Life-Changing Small Groups, Bill Donahue (Zondervan, 2002; ISBN
0310247500)
¨ Making Small Groups Work, Dr. Henry Cloud (Zondervan, 2003; ISBN
0310250285)
27
Article
Doing Life Together
Looking for the spiritual growth and emotional
support a circle of friends provides? It may be as
near as your neighborhood.
By Jane Johnson Struck
For years we’ve heard about the dangers of stress. The warning goes something like this: allow It
was September 1999, and Beth Shadid, then 39, had recently given birth to her fifth baby, Caleb,
after losing both her fourth child, Micah, at birth, and her brother, Jim, to lung cancer in 1998.
“The past year had been extremely hard for our family, with two deaths back to back,” says Beth,
who has three other sons now ages eight and under. “So when fall came, we were celebrating
Caleb, our surprise gift of new life.”
Throughout those difficult times, Beth had grown close to her neighbor Dina, a mom of three.
“Dina attended both our son’s funeral and my brother’s memorial service,” Beth says. “She was
so kind and sympathetic. Our friendship really deepened, and I felt comfortable opening up to her
a bit about my faith in Christ. She had seen the strength I had drawn from it.”
Dina, who’d never attended a Bible study before, knew Beth had been involved in various
women’s Bible studies throughout the five years they’d lived across the street from each other.
So Dina asked Beth if she was planning to join a women’s Bible study that fall. “I didn’t think I
could possibly pack up my newborn, plus my three other active little boys, and attend a weekly
study,” Beth admits. “I recommended a women’s Bible study at a local church in case Dina was
interested in attending one on her own. Then I said, ‘But I’d love it if someone got something
started in our neighborhood!’”
Surprisingly, that “someone who got something started in the neighborhood” turned out to be
busy mom Beth—with the able assistance of Dina. Right off the bat, Dina was so excited about
the idea of bonding with other women in the neighborhood that she suggested she and Beth start
their own group. Before long, Beth, who’d never envisioned herself a facilitator of a neighborhood
group with her busy, growing family, became exactly that. “I’m not a teacher or leader,” she
admits. “I’ve been in church a long time and have a strong faith, and I love the idea of being able
to share that with others. Yet I don’t see myself as articulate, so I wouldn’t naturally put myself in
this position. But there’s something about having come out of pain, as I had, that makes you say
even more, ‘Okay, God, if this is what you want me to do, there’s nothing more important in life
than being available to you.’ As I prayed about starting a group, it felt like the right thing to do.”
So Beth and Dina brainstormed ways to make a group convenient both for them and the other
neighbors they hoped might join. “We decided we’d take turns meeting at each other’s home
every other week. We thought we could at least handle that,” explains Beth. “We also decided to
be casual about the whole thing and let moms bring their kids. I volunteered to check out hiring
babysitters from a local Christian college so we could keep the kids in a play area in the same
house.”
But there was also the question of study materials. Realizing some of her neighbors, such as
Dina, may never have studied the Bible before, Beth asked a few mature, trusted Christian
women what might constitute an appropriate study to kick off the fledgling group. One suggestion
that struck a chord: a workbook called Living in Jesus’ Name, one in a series of study guides from
well-known author John Ortberg.
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“Basically Dina and I decided, ‘Let’s ask some neighbors if they’d like to get together and have
coffee.’ We’ll tell them, ‘Here’s a book idea. What do you think?’” says Beth. Then Dina and Beth
called around the neighborhood to see who might be interested in participating. Four—including a
couple committed Christians—responded positively.
“Everybody was easygoing about what to study,” Beth says, “so when the six of us met for the
first time that October, we started working through Ortberg’s study book, which clearly walks
you through what it means to be a Christian. It’s filled with lots of practical teaching and spiritual
exercises.”
A little more than two years since its launch, the group is still going strong. That initial circle of
six has grown through word of mouth to eighteen members, with twelve regular attendees. “We’ll
have someone come who’s been absent several weeks, and she’ll say, ‘I’ve missed this so
much!’” says Lisa Barry, a fellow believer and one of the charter members who frequently opens
her home to the group.
What do the women do when they get together every other Friday morning from 9:30 to 11:15
a.m.? “We chit-chat for the first thirty minutes,” says Beth. “Then we sit down, open our lesson,
and talk about whatever jumped out at us that week. Sometimes I don’t have the time to prepare
for the lesson beforehand as I’d like. That’s when I throw my hands up and say, ‘Okay, God, this
has to be from you. It can’t be from me, because I don’t feel ready.’”
While group members bring their Bibles to the meetings and talk about spiritual topics (currently
they’re working through another workbook titled Gifted to Serve, which discusses spiritual gifts),
Beth and the other core members work hard to ensure no one feels uncomfortable or offended
during the meetings, since the women attending vary in their level of interest in matters of faith.
The first year, says Beth, they didn’t even pray together. “Just this last year, we’ve started closing
in prayer, and usually Lisa Barry does that for us,” explains Beth.
The group has slowly evolved into part Bible study, part book club, part crosscultural awareness,
part old-fashioned support group for the women who attend. During the summers, which pose a
challenge to regular attendance because of kids’ schedules and family vacations, the group opts
to read condensed versions of classics such as Les Miserables or Cry, The Beloved Country
instead of Bible-related materials. Beth, who has a heart for cross-cultural ministry, occasionally
invites some of the women she encounters through other international organizations to speak at
meetings. Last year, Beth, Dina, Lisa, and the others helped a Sudanese refugee and her two
daughters adjust to their new life in the United States by assembling and delivering a Welcome
Pack of basic household necessities—sheets, towels, plates, canned goods, and personal
care items. And last December, Beth and the group organized a holiday gathering that included
husbands—a first!—to help two orphaned Sudanese boys celebrate their first Christmas in
America.
“This group meets many different needs,” says Beth. “On one level, I sincerely believe we all want
to learn more about the Bible, to explore what life is really about. But it’s also about women doing
life together in a safe environment. Just getting together as women helps you realize you’re not
alone in your situation, that we all have struggles with disciplining our kids or challenges in our
marriage. It’s wonderful to be able to share not only the pain in life, but the great joys as well. It’s
just such a fun group of unique women! Our sense of community has been one of its biggest
blessings.
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“When my husband, Hythem, and I learned at twenty-two weeks that our baby Micah wouldn’t
survive after birth, we didn’t know how to pray. So we simply said, ‘God, do something great
through this.’ As we prayed that prayer, we sensed ‘something great’ could be others coming to
know Christ through our experience.
“While I don’t know if this group is a direct answer to that prayer, I’ve had many opportunities to
share my faith, to let others know how great God is,” adds Beth. “As we’ve grown together, I’ve
seen other women become more open about how God is revealing himself to them. I know that
for Dina and a few others in our group, their faith has become personal over the past two years.
And I’ve been encouraged to walk with God daily, to keep looking for his presence in my life
every step of the way. There’s this exciting sense of God at work—all I did was jump aboard!”
—“Doing Life Together,” by Jane Johnson Struck, Today’s Christian Woman, March/April 2002, Vol. 24, No. 2, Page 64
30
Cultivating
Friendships
W h at do es bi bl i ca l fr ie ndship lo ok like ?
Developing and sustaining friendships takes
effort and commitment, especially when
you’re new to the area. In her article on
cultivating friendships after a move, author
Cindy Crosby provides practical suggestions
for starting up new friendships and keeping in
touch with old friends, no matter the distance. She
suggests, both directly and indirectly, that the time and
effort necessary to establish and maintain friendships is worth
the investment.
This study asks: What is the value of friendship? What can be learned from
biblical examples of friendship? What is the cost of isolating yourself from
others? What do we learn about God through friendship? What does the
world see in our friendships?
Scripture: Ruth 1; 1 Samuel 18:1–4, 1 Samuel 20; John 13:1–17; 17:20–26;
1 John 3:11–24; 4:7–21
Based on: “New Girl in Town,” by Cindy Crosby, T o d ay ’ s C hris tian W oman ,
January/February 2002, Vol. 24, No. 1, Page 38
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Cultivating Friendships
Leader ’s Guide
Part 1
Identify the Issue
“ New Gi rl i n Town” f rom T o d ay ’ s C h r i s t i a n W o m a n magazine (include d at
t h e en d of th i s study) .
When you’ve just arrived in a new place, it can be tempting to remain anonymous,
engaging others only when the mood strikes. There’s an illusion of freedom that says,
“If you’re not known, you can do whatever you want without consequences. You don’t
really need others to be spiritually okay.” Not only is this kind of thinking putting you
in a dangerous place spiritually, ultimately these lies will leave you feeling unsatisfied and
lonely.
The triune God created us in his image to be in relationship; as believers we are called to
know others and be known by them, speaking the truth in love. Jesus said that the two
greatest commandments are to love God and to love your neighbor as yourself. While
neighbor is a broad category, it certainly includes all whom we call friends.
Even when you have resolved to make new friends (and keep the old), it can still be a
challenge to succeed in doing so. Coordinating busy schedules, finding people with similar
interests, connecting with others during the short time at church on Sunday morning, the
perception of having too much to do—all of these factors and more can contribute to the
difficulty of starting and sustaining friendships.
Yet God desires us to be in relationship with him and with one another. In the school
of friendship, we can experience love, grace, and healing. We can learn the power of
forgiveness as we forgive others and they forgive us. We can encourage each other, hold
each other accountable, and share each other’s burdens. As our friendships develop, we will
grow in the knowledge of ourselves, others, and God himself.
[Q] What factors have you personally encountered that make starting up a new
friendship difficult? How does your personality affect your desire to initiate
friendships?
[Q] What fears might prevent you from taking the first step? Have you been burned
by friends in the past?
[Q] How might pride influence your behavior toward others? Does it anger you when
people don’t seem to make the effort to reach out to you?
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[Q] What are the challenges in maintaining long-distance friendships? What are
reasonable expectations for keeping in touch?
[Q] Have you ever decided to try going it alone? If yes, for how long? What did you feel
like during that time? How was your relationship with God affected?
[Q] Where have you found your current friends? Do you tend to have lots of friendships,
or just a few? What are the characteristics of a good friend?
Part 2
Teaching Point One: Christ models friendship for us in his
relationship with his disciples.
At the start of his ministry, Christ called 12 men into a close relationship with himself.
He did not judge by outward appearance, as we are tempted to do—notably, none of the
disciples were highly educated, perceived as religious, or men of high status. The only
prerequisite for friendship was to come and follow him.
Christ lived his life before his disciples with integrity, pointing them towards God and
revealing himself as their Savior. Christ and his disciples shared joys and sorrows, traveled and
ate together, and spent time in conversation and prayer. Sharing the wisdom God gave him,
Christ taught his disciples and was patient with their lack of understanding. He also asked
for their trust, even in challenging circumstances, like during a stormy night upon the sea
(Matthew 8:23–27). To show his trustworthiness, Christ gave his disciples opportunities to
serve others while relying on his help, as in the feeding of the 5,000 (Mark 6:30–44).
Christ encouraged, comforted, and challenged his disciples, seeking their growth and spiritual
development. He knew the needs and desires of each of those close to him, and he made his
own needs open to them. Christ was willing to lay down his life for his disciples, for their sins
and the sins of the world, in the ultimate act of sacrifice and forgiveness.
Read John 13:1–17. On the same night that he knew he was going to be betrayed and finally
deserted by all of the friends he treasured so dearly, Christ washed the disciples’ feet to reveal
to them “the full extent of his love” (John 13:1).
[Q] Take a few moments to reflect on Christ’s life and interaction with his disciples. How
did Christ demonstrate love for his friends? How did he point them to God? How can we
do the same with our friends?
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[Q] Too often we seek to be served by those close to us, wanting our own needs to be met
instead of looking to the needs of others. What attitudes prevent us from serving?
[Q] What does Christ’s act of foot washing suggest about the connection between love
and service? Is service optional? What does Christ promise to those who carry out his
words? In what ways can you “wash the feet” of others?
[Q] What was Peter’s initial response when Christ came to wash his feet? Why is it
sometimes difficult to let others serve us? In what ways can you let others “wash your
feet”?
[Q] What enabled Christ to serve? On what did he base his identity and security? How
does basing our identity on God’s love for us give us the freedom to love and serve?
Teaching Point Two: How we treat our friends is both a barometer of
our spiritual development and a place where God can reveal his glory.
Too often in evangelical circles there is such an emphasis on individual salvation that the communal nature of faith is overlooked. Yet loving God and loving our neighbor go hand in hand.
Loving our friends gives us the opportunity to demonstrate and grow in our faith, learn who
God is, and become more like Christ.
Read 1 John 3:11–24 and 4:7–21. Bear in mind that this letter is written by John, “the
disciple whom Jesus loved” (see John 21:7, 24). Who better to provide counsel for the early
believers than one who was in an intimate relationship with Christ himself?
[Q] What is the relationship between life, death, and loving our brothers? What
definitions of love are given in these passages? Who are our “brothers”?
[Q] In 1 John 3:18, John says, “Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but
with actions and in truth.” What actions have you undertaken on behalf of your friends?
Is there an action that you feel God has been prompting you to take lately?
[Q] What does it mean to love your friends in truth? How are we tempted to deceive each
other? How can we be more honest?
[Q] How can we communicate the truth with love? In what ways can we hold each other
accountable?
[Q] How should our love for God affect our behavior toward others?
[Q] What did God do to demonstrate his love for us? Because you have received grace
from God, do you show your friends grace? How?
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[Q] 1 John 4:16 states that “God is love.” We have the ability to see God in each other
as we love. How has the love you have received from a friend taught you about God?
[Q] Why does John say, “There is no fear in love” (4:18)? How has fear damaged your
friendships? What does it mean to be “made perfect in love”?
[Q] How is it possible for us to love others as God commands us to do in these
passages? How has God been glorified in your difficult relationships? How has God
sustained your friendships over the years?
Teaching Point Three: Self-denial, loyalty, and unity of spirit are
three qualities of true biblical friendship.
Among the classical philosophers, Cicero was among the first to pen an essay on friendship.
He notes, “In the face of a true friend a man sees as it were a second self.”
Following Cicero’s lead, St. Aelred, a Cistercian monk who lived in the 12th century,
defined friendship as “oneness of Heart, Mind, and Spirit, in things human and divine, with
mutual esteem and kindly feelings of approval and support.”
True friends encourage us to be who we really are, who God intended us to be. They allow
us to drop our pretenses, free us from the pressure of always having to defend our thoughts
and actions, and enable us to use the gifts that God has given us.
Examining the friendships of David and Jonathan and Naomi and Ruth reveals that the
path of biblical friendship involves a commitment to the good of others, even at your own
perceived or actual expense. Since we live in a culture that values self-fulfillment over longterm investment in people, we would do well to meditate on these biblical friendships. By
putting the needs of others above our own needs and agenda, we can begin to learn how to
live as Christ calls us to live.
Read 1 Samuel 18:1–4 and 1 Samuel 20, then Ruth 1.
[Q] What factors about Jonathan and David make their friendship remarkable? What
barriers did they overcome? What did Jonathan risk by befriending and assisting David?
[Q] Give an example of when you have felt one in spirit with a friend. What did you
have in common? How did this friend make you feel?
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[Q] A covenant is an agreement established between two parties. What do you think was
agreed upon in the original covenant between Jonathan and David in 1 Samuel 18:3–4?
What did Jonathan do to emphasize his commitment to the covenant? What covenant
does Jonathan make in chapter 20?
[Q] In 1 Samuel 20, what actions does Jonathan take to fulfill his words to David,
“Whatever you want me to do, I’ll do for you”? Do your actions back up your words
with your friends?
[Q] At the parting of Jonathan and David, both wept, but why would David have
reason to weep “the most”? How does Jonathan comfort him?
[Q] How does Ruth show compassion for Naomi? What does Ruth the Moabite stand
to lose by following Naomi to Bethlehem? How is Ruth’s love sacrificial?
[Q] Would you be willing to follow a friend as completely as Ruth followed Naomi?
Why or why not? Are you willing to make sacrifices for the sake of your friends? How?
Teaching Point Four: God intends for our friendships to be a witness
to unbelievers, demonstrating the character and love of God.
Within the Trinity, each person of the Godhead plays a unique role and possesses distinctive
characteristics, yet the three are united in fellowship, love, and purpose. God the Father,
God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit present unity in the midst of diversity, and suggest to
believers how God desires his people to live. Living in harmony with fellow believers speaks
volumes to a world committed to self-preservation and narrowly defined self-interest.
Read John 17:20–26.
[Q] What is Christ’s desire for believers? Do you believe that such unity is possible?
What are the conditions necessary for unity? What conditions lead toward division?
[Q] What is Christ’s desire for the world (v.21)?
[Q] Do you consider your friendships part of your witness? Has an unbeliever ever
commented on how you treat your friends?
[Q] Do our friendships among believers look different from friendships among
unbelievers? What should be distinctive about Christian friendship? What elements are
counter-cultural?
[Q] How has the church historically lived out its mission to reveal God to the world?
Where has it succeeded, and where has it failed? How can we in the church today be an
effective witness to the world?
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Part 3
Apply Your Findings
Aristotle wisely notes in Nicomachean Ethics that “without friendships no one would choose to
live, even if they had all other good things in life.”
Take some time to prayerfully consider all the friends that God has given you, thanking
him for the role each friend has played in your life. Pray too about the friendships that have
slipped away and those that are yet to develop, asking God to guide you toward those he
wants you to spend time with.
[Q] What have you learned about yourself and God through each of your friends?
[Q] Make a list of Christ’s interactions with people, both his close friends and the
strangers he encountered, taking note of how he treated each person. How can you model
his behavior in all your relationships?
[Q] In what ways can we serve our friends to demonstrate our love for them? How can
you tangibly show your friends this week that you care about them?
[Q] What are good boundaries in friendships? How can you tell a healthy friendship from
an unhealthy one? Are there any issues you need to address within your friendships?
[Q] How committed are you to your friends? How willing are you to sacrifice your time
or goals for the sake of a relationship? Ask God to reveal to you how you can be made
more perfect in love, and write down the steps you would like to take in the coming
months.
—Study prepared by Adrianna Wright, publicist and freelance writer.
¿ www.Kyria.com
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¨ Six Keys to Lasting Friendships, Carol Kent (NavPress, 2000; ISBN 1576831329)
¨ Rediscovering Friendship: Awakening to the Power and Promise of Women’s
Friendships, Elisabeth Moltmann-Wendel (Augsburg Fortress, 2001; ISBN
0800634454)
¨ Sacred Companions: The Gift of Spiritual Friendship & Direction, David G. Benner
(IVP, 2004; ISBN 083083270X)
¨ Safe People, Dr. Henry Cloud and John Townsend (Zondervan, 1996; ISBN
0310210844)
¨ Life Together, Dietrich Bonhoeffer (Harper and Row, 1978; ISBN 0060608528)
¨ Spiritual Friendship, Aelred of Rielvaulx (Cistercian Publications, re-issue 1989;
ISBN 0879077050)
¨ Nicomachean Ethics, Aristotle, Translated by W. D. Ross (Oxford University Press,
1998; ISBN 019283407X). See especially books VIII and IX.
¿ Cicero: On Friendship, or Laelius
(http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/ancient/cicero-friendship.html)
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Article
New Girl in Town
How to cultivate friendships after a move.
By Cindy Crosby, for the study “Cultivating Friendships”
I stood hesitantly by the industrial-strength coffeepot, nervously juggling a Styrofoam cup of bland
hot brew with my Bible and trying to make eye contact with potential female friends in the adult
Sunday school class. Inside, I felt that intense aloneness that can grip you most in a big crowd.
Most of the 50 or so class members huddled in their little groups, secure in their shared activities.
However, I must have looked pathetic enough for one woman to break away and throw a morsel of
conversation in my direction. “Is this your first Sunday here?” she politely inquired.
I’d been in the class for a year.
After a move to a different state, and a year in our new church, I hadn’t connected with anyone.
Worse yet, I wasn’t even a familiar face, although I’d attended the class faithfully every Sunday.
Somehow, I hadn’t figured out how to build relationships in a new place—and I was losing touch
with my friends back home.
Between 1999–2000 the United States Census Bureau estimates more than 43 million people—16
percent of the population—moved. Of these, almost 19 percent moved to a different state. In our
mobile society, chances are good you’ll move at least once.
If you move a lot, you may instinctively shy away from making new friends because you’re tired of
investing in relationships, then packing your bags again. And you may find old friendships falling
apart in the absence of day-to-day attention. So is friendship really worth the effort?
Yes! Carol Kent, author of Six Keys to Lasting Friendships (NavPress), says it well: “How much we
owe to friends! They bring out the best in us, and challenge the worst in a loving way. They get us
through tough times and help us make difficult decisions. They help us relax and laugh, cry and
heal, hope and dream.”
When a job change moved us again a year later, I was determined to make some changes. I
echoed Scarlett O’Hara in Gone with the Wind, “As God is my witness, I’ll never be lonely again!”
Okay, maybe that wasn’t exactly what she said. But here are a few friendship lessons I’ve learned
along the way:
Don’t Judge a Potential Friend by Her Manicure
She was so together—blond hair cut to perfection, nails immaculately manicured, makeup artfully
applied. I run toward no makeup, Birkenstocks, blue jeans, and ragged nails I can’t stop biting.
When our husbands began meeting for breakfast regularly, I told mine flatly to enjoy his friendship
with Jack, but I was sure Jan and I’d never be friends.
I was wrong.
When we cautiously explored a relationship by spending two nights at a women’s retreat together,
we stayed up till 3 A.M. laughing so hard our sides hurt the next morning. Her children are a bit
older than mine, so I’ve gained wisdom from her about parenting. And I’m a good listening ear for
her challenges with her extended family.
Moral of the story: Opposites can attract. Don’t necessarily rule someone out because she’s
different than you!
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Article
Consider May-December Friendships
When I attended a special-arts elective at our church, the speaker for the morning was a lovely,
white-haired woman in her seventies who made a presentation on the value of good books. Being
a book junkie myself, I raced up to her after the class and blurted, “Could we please have coffee
sometime and talk?” Somewhat taken aback, she graciously agreed and gave me her phone number.
The next week we met, and the age barriers fell away as we discussed everything from mysteries
to fiction to a surprising shared love of ecology. By the time we parted, I knew I’d met a soul sister.
Although there’s a 30-year difference in our ages, Florence has become a dear friend.
Never rule out a potential friend because of an age difference. You might miss a blessing!
Know When to Hold ‘Em, Know When to Fold ‘Em
I thought Melinda would be the perfect friend. We both loved the outdoors, we were in several church
groups together, and we shared many mutual interests. Yet, although she was always kind, she was
also always too busy to go out for lunch or too tied up to get together on the weekend. After the fourth
re-buff, it hit me she wasn’t in the market for friendship—at least not mine. I felt completely rejected.
That is, until I realized Melinda was in the middle of a marriage difficulty and only had the energy for
people who knew her and her situation well. She had nothing left over for a brand-new relationship.
Did it still hurt? Yup. But I moved on.
Make New Friends …
I work in a home office, where it’s easy to be minimally involved in outside activities. If you hibernate,
as I did after my first move, you’ll likely find yourself battling loneliness. Try these tips instead:
Ask someone for advice. By putting the other person in the position of “expert,” you set her at ease
and make her less intimidated by the idea of getting to know you. Good questions include, “Where’s
a good place to go walking?” or “Who makes a dynamite cappuccino?” Before you know it, your
potential friend might be offering to meet you at the little café that serves “the best coffee in town.”
Get involved in a church. If you’re a life-long Christian, this may seem like a no-brainer. Yet, if you
do what we did—attend church services and Sunday school without getting involved—you’ll likely find
yourself as I did: a stranger to everyone.
Join a group. A great place to make friends is in a club or group of people interested in the same
things you are. If you love to plant flowers, try a Master Gardener program. In my neighborhood, I’ve
found new friendships within book groups.
Try something new. The great thing about a move is being able to shake off everyone’s
expectations of who you are, and start afresh. Always wanted to ski? Take some lessons. Thought
about volunteering for Habitat for Humanity? Now’s your opportunity. And chances are, you’ll meet
some potential friends along the way.
Make a memory. A new friend and I made it a tradition to walk together for an hour once a week
and to have breakfast once a month. This gives us a comfortable framework to explore a deeper
relationship.
… But Keep the Old
One of the most difficult things about moving is leaving behind close friends. Accept that some
relationships you leave behind won’t endure without the day-to-day touch points you had before, and
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Article
grieve those losses. (Of course, the flip side of this is you get to lose those difficult relationships
you couldn’t quite figure out how to get out of!)
Here are some maintenance tips that can help keep the long-distance friendship fires burning:
Express your love, grieve your loss. Our tendency is to wall ourselves off from the pain of
leaving. Before you leave, don’t be afraid to cry and tell your friends how much you’ll miss them.
Stay connected electronically. My former college roommates and I rarely see each other. Yet, we
stay connected by e-mailing each other about the big events in our lives.
Drop in. When we travel, my husband and I try to connect with friends at different places across
the country where we’ve lived. It may be as simple as stopping by to say hello, or as extended as a
weekend spent at an old friend’s home.
Realign old friendships. One of my friends was the music minister at my previous church.
She couldn’t share many of her personal struggles with me because my husband was one of
the elders. Now that we’ve moved, she has the built-in listening ear of someone who knows her
situation but isn’t actively involved in it.
Now What?
So, you may not have the kind of friendships portrayed in Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood—
fostered by childhood, forged through the college years, nurtured by living down the street from
each other, lasting into old age. Get over it! Whether you move once or often, you can find deep,
long-lasting relationships. Go on. Pick up the phone. Now’s the time to give new friendships a
chance.
—Cindy Crosby, a TCW regular contributor and author of Waiting for Morning (Baker), lives with her husband and two children in Illinois.
“New Girl in Town,” by Cindy Crosby, Today’s Christian Woman, January/February 2002, Vol. 24, No. 1, Page 38.
41
Words of
Wisdom
W hat do es the Bible tell us ab out sp eak ing
th e truth i n l ove?
Few things can keep us up at night like words
that should—or should not—have been said.
In “Tell It Like It Is,” Annette Smith shares times
in her life when words between friends provided
correction and fostered reconciliation. She also
writes of careless words that caused wounds.
Clearly, the world of words is too complicated to be
governed by platitudes like, “If you can’t say something
nice, don’t say anything at all.” God gave us the power of speech for good
reasons, and he also gave us detailed guidance in how to use it.
Why is it so important for Christians to watch their words? How can we discern
when to speak and what to say? Where is the balance between loyalty to the
truth and concern for the feelings of others? These are the kinds of questions
explored in this study.
Scripture: Genesis 1:3–5; Exodus 4:10–12; 2 Samuel 12:1–10; Esther 4:9–14;
Proverbs 12:18; Matthew 9:1–8; Romans 10:14–15; Colossians 4:6;
Ephesians 4:29; Philemon 1:4–21; James 3:2–6
Based on: “ Tell It Like It Is,” by Annette Smith, T o d ay ’ s C hris tian W oman ,
November/December 2002, Vol. 24, No. 6, Page 86
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Words of Wisdom
Leader ’s Guide
Part 1
Identify the Issue
“ Tell I t Li ke I t I s” f rom T o d ay ’ s C h r i s t i a n W o m a n magazine (include d at
t h e en d of th i s study) .
Chameleons blend in with their surroundings to avoid detection. Butterflies have eyespots
on their wings to scare predators away. According to philosopher David Livingstone Smith,
humans, like other creatures, lie to advance their interests and oil the machinery of society.
Smith’s 2004 book, Why We Lie: The Evolutionary Roots of Deception and the Unconscious
Mind, argues that fudging the truth is such an ingrained survival strategy that we do not
even realize we are lying, especially when we lie to ourselves. The epigraph for Smith’s first
chapter, a quote from Mark Twain, sums up our condition: “Lying is universal—we all do
it; we all must do it.”
One need not agree with Smith’s reading of evolutionary biology (or Twain’s legendary
cynicism) to admit that lying is pervasive in modern culture. The 1997 Jim Carrey film
Liar, Liar! drives home the point. Owing to his son’s birthday wish, Carrey’s character,
a habitual liar, must tell only the truth for an entire day. This “curse” sinks Carrey as
a trial lawyer and renders him unable to talk his way out of a traffic ticket, but it also
snarls relations with his family and earns him dirty looks from the coworkers he usually
compliments glibly. Unable to handle the consequences of transparency, he quickly decides
that the safest course is to say nothing at all.
[Q] Would your life be different if you could not tell any lies for a day?
[Q] Have you been hurt more often by lies or by truths spoken out of turn? Describe a
hurtful episode of one kind or the other.
[Q] With whom do you find it hardest to be honest? With whom does honesty come
easiest?
Optional Activity: In pairs, have group members role play one or more of the following
scenarios:
a) Jennifer, who has been out of the workforce for eight years to stay home with her
children, is interviewing for a job at the local newspaper. Her credentials are decent, but
the interviewing editor doubts she will be sufficiently devoted to the job. Jennifer has a few
questions about work-home balance herself, but she needs the paycheck. Can she sell her skills
without stretching the truth?
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Words of Wisdom
Leader ’s Guide
b) Kathleen and Rosa are friends, as are their teenage daughters. Kathleen’s daughter learns
that Rosa’s daughter has become sexually active. Kathleen knows that Rosa would not
approve, but she also knows that Rosa’s sexual past isn’t spotless. In conversation with Rosa,
how can Kathleen express her concern about Rosa’s daughter without impugning Rosa’s
parenting skills or making Rosa feel ashamed about her own mistakes?
c) Amber’s husband has a weakness for grand business schemes and has failed as an
entrepreneur twice. One day he came home from the stable but boring job she had begged
him to take and excitedly shared his idea for starting an Internet café in a vacant storefront
down the street. With one son in braces and another headed to college soon, Amber doesn’t
think this is an acceptable risk for the family to take. She wants to be realistic with her
husband without rehashing his failures.
d) Sondra’s daughter Libby, a college senior, comes home for fall break with a guy who
does not strike Sondra as husband material. Though Sondra and Libby often clashed when
Libby was in high school, especially on the subject of boys, they get along okay now. Saturday
morning, before anyone else is up, Libby asks Sondra over coffee what she thinks of her new,
serious boyfriend. What’s a mom to say?
Part 2
Teaching Point One: Words have power.
One little qualifier, “just,” has become an all-purpose speech-softener in contemporary
English. Phrases like “I was just thinking,” or “It’s just my opinion,” or the insidious “I was
just joking” get used to cover a multitude of verbal sins. The problem is, words are never
just words, so wrapping them in fluff can do little to blunt their force. The Bible attests to
the power of words in numerous places:
[Q] Read Genesis 1:3–5. In this account, God created the whole universe by speaking
words. In what ways do our words create reality, albeit on a much smaller scale? For
example, how do things such as wedding vows and presidential addresses change the
lives of the people who speak and hear them?
[Q] Read Proverbs 12:18. This passage likens words to weapons. Many figures of
speech echo this idea—a person with a sharp tongue might offer biting criticisms, fling
barbs at opponents, make cutting remarks, or even perform a tongue lashing. How does
it feel, physically, to deliver such remarks? How does it feel to receive them? In contrast,
how does it feel to deliver and receive words of comfort?
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Words of Wisdom
Leader ’s Guide
[Q] Name the different ways words are used in Matthew 9:1–8.
[Q] As Jesus asks in Matthew 9:5: “Which is easier: to say, ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or
to say, ‘Get up and walk’?” In what ways was Jesus uniquely qualified to make those
statements, and in what ways are all Christians empowered to forgive and heal with their
words?
[Q] Read James 3:2–6. Do you think James is exaggerating the destructive potential of
words? If you agree with him that the tongue is a “world of evil,” what can Christians do
to control it?
Teaching Point Two: Truth needs to be told.
Like our other God-given abilities, the power of speech comes with responsibilities. Sometimes we may need to say things that make us uncomfortable. Read the examples below that
explain necessary truth telling in Scripture.
[Q] Read 2 Samuel 12:1–10. Nathan rebuked David for his affair with Bathsheba and
subsequent murder of her husband, Uriah the Hittite. As a prophet, Nathan had special
knowledge of God’s judgment and David’s future. How can those of us who are not
prophets discern when and how to rebuke others?
[Q] Read Esther 4:9–14. In Esther 4:14, Mordecai told Esther that she might have
gained a royal position so that she could tell the king about Haman’s plot. What is one
way you are uniquely positioned—in your family, your neighborhood, your church, or
your workplace—to share truth with someone?
[Q] Read Romans 10:14–15. We have a duty to proclaim the good news about Jesus.
Specifically, this passage exhorts preachers to preach and other believers to support
the preachers. How can the words of others (preachers, Christian writers, Christian
musicians, etc.) help you to do the challenging work of evangelism?
[Q] When Moses made excuses for why he could not serve as God’s spokesman to
Pharaoh and to the Israelites, God responded with a mixture of reassurance and rebuke.
Read Exodus 4:10–12. What excuses have you made, verbally or silently, for not sharing
a hard truth? Can you think of a time when God helped you speak or taught you what to
say in a tough situation?
Teaching Point Three: When in doubt, love.
The examples in Smith’s article show that sometimes friends need to be confronted, but
other times, such as when they wear ratty sweaters, mum is the appropriate word. In either
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Words of Wisdom
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situation, the guiding principle is love. The Bible elaborates on this principle in Colossians 4:6,
Ephesians 4:29, Philemon 1:4–21, and 1 Peter 3:15.
[Q] Read Colossians 4:6. What does it mean for speech to be “full of grace, seasoned with
salt”?
[Q] Read Ephesians 4:29. What kinds of speech might contain “unwholesome talk”? By
contrast, what kinds of speech build others up?
[Q] Read Philemon 1:4–21. How does Paul soften his request to Philemon? What elements
of this letter might be useful in other types of confrontations—with angry spouses, wayward
children, uncharitable colleagues, estranged relatives?
[Q] In contemporary American culture, evangelism is often equated with shoving your beliefs
down someone’s throat. In your experience, is that equation fair? Is there a difference between
witnessing as commonly understood and giving “the reason for the hope you have … with
gentleness and respect” (1 Peter 3:15)?
Part 3
Apply Your Findings
Smith writes, “Touchy topics are difficult to discuss for even the closest of friends. Yet,
relationships involve flawed people who make mistakes and get into messes. Friends need to be
able to count on each other not just for fun and affirmation, but for careful words of instruction
and correction, too.” Perfection in speech is as unattainable as perfection in relationships, but
progress in one area will naturally foster growth in the other. The key is to make sure truth and
love operate together, the way God intended..
[Q] Think of one recurring situation in which you are tempted to lie or muffle the truth.
How can you be more forthright in the future?
[Q] Could well-chosen words help you build or mend a relationship? What are those words,
and how will you share them?
[Q] How can you prepare to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for
the hope that you have?
Optional Activity: Choose one of the verses in this study and memorize it.

—Study prepared by Elesha Coffman, former managing editor of
Christian History & Biography.
46
Words of Wisdom
Leader ’s Guide
• Successful Relationships Course
• Like the Ones You Love Course
¿ www.Kyria.com
¨ Communication: Intimate Marriage Series, Dan B. Allender (InterVarsity, 2005;
ISBN 0830821368)
¨ Communication: Key to Your Marriage, H. Norman Wright (Gospel Light, 2000;
ISBN 0830725334)
¨ Friendship: A Way of Interpreting Christian Love, Liz Carmichael (Continuum,
2005; ISBN 0567080722)
¨ The Grace and Truth Paradox, Randy Alcorn (Multnomah, 2002; ISBN
1590520653)
¨ Telling Each Other the Truth, William Backus (Bethany House, 2006; ISBN
0764201573)
¨ War of Words, Paul Tripp (P&R Publishing, 2000; ISBN 0875526047)
47
Words of Wisdom
Article
Tell It Like It Is
How to speak the truth to a friend without
harming your friendship.
By Annette Smith, for the study, “Words of Wisdom”
I’ll always remember when my good friend, Sheri, called me on the carpet about my attitude
problem. I’m thankful now, but at the time …
Sheri and I were sitting in her cozy kitchen sipping coffee and nibbling on bake-sale leftovers.
“I saw Darla in Sears yesterday,” she said. “She’s lost a bunch of weight.”
“Wonder how long it’ll take her to gain it back this time,” I said, reaching for a third macadamia
nut cookie. “She always does, you know.
Darla-of-the-fluctuating-weight and I once had been good friends. Not any more. For more
than a year, we’d barely spoken. Even though Darla had made numerous attempts to
mend the rift in our relationship, one caused by a misunderstanding involving our children, I
continued to nurse a grudge against her.
“Darla told me her eldest daughter just got accepted into medical school,” said Sheri. “Her
middle girl’s engaged to an attorney, and her son’s in line to be awarded the high school’s art
scholarship this year.”
“Darla always thinks her kids are better than anyone else’s,” I sniffed.
After refilling my mug, Sheri looked me in the eye and said, “Annette, we need to talk. Hasn’t it
been long enough? What’s the deal with you still having such a hateful attitude toward Darla?
Everyone who knows you can tell you don’t like her.”’
“It’s that obvious?”
“It is. And Annette, listen to me.” My friend put her hand on my arm. “Whatever the problem is,
you need to get over it. Your attitude isn’t right, and you know it.”
Ouch. Sheri’s honest words hurt my feelings. But they also affected me in a way a dozen
sermons on forgiveness hadn’t. She was absolutely right. My hateful attitude was wrong.
We talked some more, and I was overcome with shame and remorse. That night I prayed for
forgiveness for myself and for blessings for Darla and her family.
Later that week, with shaking hands and a pounding heart, I delivered homemade banana
nut bread and a ribbon-wrapped cinnamon candle to Darla’s new house. That afternoon, over
glasses of iced tea, Darla and I spoke careful words of apology and forgiveness. We avoided
the specifics of what had caused our estrangement; it seemed pointless to visit that place
again. What mattered to us both was our mutual desire to make things right.
Today, Darla and I are real friends again, thanks to Sheri’s honest words.
Caring Enough to Correct
I’m grateful my friend Sheri spoke up. The fact she loved me enough to confront me says
volumes about our relationship. I realize it wasn’t easy for her to talk to me about my bad
attitude and unloving behavior.
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Words of Wisdom
Article
Touchy topics are difficult to discuss for even the closest of friends. Yet, relationships involve
flawed people who make mistakes and get into messes. Friends need to be able to count on
each other not just for fun and affirmation, but for careful words of instruction and correction, too.
Committing ourselves to a friendship means that because we care on a deep, intimate level, we
have the courage to speak up even when a friend needs to hear tough words of truth. For with true
friendship come joy and responsibility.
The Courage to Confront
When Jasmine (not her real name) found herself teetering on the brink of an affair with a married
coworker, she flew across the state to spend the weekend with her life-long friend, Dee. Tearfully,
Jasmine hinted to Dee about what she feared she was going to do if the situation continued.
Although Jasmine employed veiled words and phrases, Dee understood exactly what she was
saying. Yet embarrassed and afraid, Dee didn’t dole out the bitter-but-good-for-her medicine for
which Jasmine had come. Dee was so rattled by her friend’s revelation, she couldn’t bring herself
to take Jasmine by the shoulders, give her a firm shake, and demand, “What are you thinking?
Run! Find a new job! Get away from this man!”
Instead, Dee feigned tiredness and went to bed early, suggesting they go shopping and to a movie
the next day. Taking Dee’s cue, Jasmine didn’t bring up the situation again.
Sure enough, six months later in a tearful, long-distance conversation, Jasmine confessed to
Dee that she’d had an affair. It was over and done now, but she faced a host of heart-breaking
consequences.
This time Dee was there to comfort, support, and forgive her friend. She listened, shared her
friend’s tears, and offered words of wisdom and comfort. Dee was honest with Jasmine about her
mistake and what she needed to do to amend the situation.
One can’t help but wonder what would have happened if Dee had possessed the courage to
confront Jasmine six months earlier. Would it have made a difference? There’s no way of knowing
for sure. Jasmine rightly accepts full responsibility for her actions. Still, Dee was in the position to
speak honestly with her friend, and she didn’t.
To avoid talking truthfully to a friend about a situation that’s hurtful, dangerous, or out of God’s will,
is to dishonor both the friendship and the friend. When we’ve been trusted with the blessing of a
friend, we must love that friend enough to be willing to experience hurt, rejection, even anger. In
the end, truth heals.
What’s My Motivation?
Before addressing a difficult situation with a friend, motives should be examined. If there’s any selfrighteousness, any feelings of one-upmanship, even the tiniest desire to get even with our friend
for something she’s said to us, then we should, at least for a time, keep silent. Honesty, especially
when it comes to touchy subjects, must be accompanied by pure, loving motives. If our words
aren’t bathed in love, they’ll hurt rather than heal.
Speaking honestly with a friend about a serious matter requires that we put thought and planning
into our words. Doing so requires staying in tune with how our friend’s taking what we have to say.
49
Words of Wisdom
Article
Doing the Deed
You realize the day’s come for you to confront your friend. What do you say? How do you start?
Begin by bathing your friend in prayer. Ask God to give you the right words and to take away any
wrong motives. Select a time when you and your friend will have privacy and won’t be interrupted.
Begin by affirming your love and care for your friend. Then calmly and gently share with her your
observation. Take care not to pass judgment or place blame.
“I’m worried, Jill. You stopped taking your medicine. I see signs of your depression coming back.”
“Katie, you’ve always said you’d never get involved with a man who isn’t a Christian, yet I see
you becoming very close to Sam. I’m fearful you may be falling for him, and he says he’s not sure
he believes in God.”
Your friend’s response to your words will tell you what to say next. She may become defensive,
angry, or appear hurt. Match your words to her response. If she’s open, talk in greater depth
about your concerns. However, if she clams up, back off. Remind her of how much you care
about her, and tell her if she feels like talking about the situation some other time, you’ll be there
for her. Then give her a hug, tell her you’re praying for her, and change the subject.
When to Zip the Lip
When my friend Sheri confronted me about my attitude toward Darla, I was thankful to her for
being honest with me. However, last week, when she told me my new hair color made me look
all washed out and that it was past time for me to retire my favorite sweater—it was pilled, you
understand, and stretched out—I was a bit less appreciative of her honest words!
Topics that don’t involve moral, health, or safety issues are best left alone. A friend who’s gained
ten pounds already knows it. She doesn’t need us to point it out to her, regardless of how helpful
we think our words are. Some matters are simply of no consequence. When a friend out-and-out
asks our opinion on a new recipe (chopped apples, Cool Whip, and ranch dressing?) or on the
way we think her daughter’s hair looks fixed like that (Funny, really funny, is what pops into our
mind), we’re wise if we can find something good to say before quickly changing the subject. It’s
never okay to fib, but no one ever said we should say every truthful thought that pops into our
head!
Honesty Is the Best Policy
True friendships are a blessing from God. Starting today, determine to be honest with your
friends—about how much they mean to you, how much you treasure your time together, and how
much you value the relationship you have with them. For one thing, it’s the honest truth. A friend,
a true friend, is one of the Father’s best blessings. Enjoy!
—Annette Smith, an author and speaker, lives with her family in Texas.
Today’s Christian Woman, November/December 2002, Vol. 24, No. 6, Page 86
50
Unlikely
Friends
Enrich your life by making friends with
those who are different than you.
One of the sweetest relationships we can
experience is a close friendship. Typically,
close friends are defined by their similarities,
the common ties that bind or draw them
together. Amy Nappa, in an article for Today ’s
Christian Woman, challenges us to look beyond
similarities with others to find potential friendships
all around us. This study encourages us to move outside
our comfort zones to form unlikely, but enriching, friendships.
Scripture: Exodus 33:11; Ruth 1:15–18; 1 Samuel 23:15–18; John 4:1–42;
Acts 15:36–41; 1 Peter 5:1–7
Based on: “Different by Design,” by Amy Nappa, T o d ay ’ s C hris tian W oman ,
July/August 1998
51
Unlikely Friends
Leader ’s Guide
Part 1
Identify the Issue
“ D i f f eren t by D esi gn” f rom T o d ay ’ s C h r i s t i a n W o m a n magazine (include d
Some people easily make friends. Perhaps you are willing, even anxious, to form friendships,
but there seems to be no one around with whom you have something in common. In your
search for friends, does it seem difficult to find someone to share time with? Consider
moving beyond looking for your carbon copy, and delve into the realm of the unfamiliar in
search of your next friendship.
[Q] What close friendships have you experienced? What was especially fun about one
of those relationships?
[Q] Our society stresses individualism and independence. Do you feel that people are
losing the ability to form friendships with one another? Why or why not?
[Q] What qualities do you look for in a friend? Have you looked at a certain individual
and thought, I’d really like to be her friend? What about the opposite; have you ever
thought, There’s no way we’d ever have anything in common?
[Q] Are your friendships mostly within or outside of the body of Christ? Why? Have
you given much thought to what God says about friendship?
Part 2
Teaching Point One: Choosing to reach out to our opposites or even
to our adversaries may be spiritually challenging but full of
blessing and renewal.
Read Acts 15:36–41. This passage records Paul and Barnabas’s split over John (also called
Mark). Colossians and Philemon have accounts of Mark being included in Paul’s group
about twelve years later. Second Timothy tells us that Paul’s admiration for Mark grew so
much that he asked Mark to be with him during his final days.
52
Unlikely Friends
Leader ’s Guide
The Bible tells us in 2 Timothy 3:16 that all Scripture is God-breathed. Every verse is
intentionally placed in the Bible to teach and guide us on our journey. Through the stories
of Paul, Barnabas, and Mark, we learn the importance of forgiveness and giving people a
second chance. Most important, we are called to bless others and pray for them, even when
we disagree with them.
Read 1 Samuel 23:15–18. David chose not to hate Jonathan because Jonathan was the son of
King Saul, who was threatening David’s life. David kept his mind open to a man who was
strongly associated with his adversary. As a result, David’s and Jonathan’s lives were positively
enriched by their friendship. By keeping open minds, we are able to grow spiritually, loving
others as Christ does.
[Q] In what way has God most revealed his love to you? How can you love others as
Christ has loved you?
[Q] Can you think of anyone who is different from you but sparks your interest? How
might you reach out to her?
[Q] Is there someone in your past with whom you’ve had a disagreement, who may
turn out to be a friend after all? How might you take a first step toward healing that
relationship?
Teaching Point Two: Friendships can flourish across generations.
Read Ruth 1:15–18 and 1 Peter 5:1–7. The Bible is full of stories of love and care for family
members, including relationships among different generations. Some examples include Ruth
and her mother-in-law, Naomi; Paul and his nephew; Abraham and his nephew Lot; and
Paul and Timothy. Instructions on caring for each other in the body of Christ are also given
in the Bible.
Not all of us will experience family members saving us from life-and-death situations as
Abraham did for Lot (Genesis 14, 18–19) and Paul’s nephew did for Paul (Acts 23). However, we can support one another by doing things together, sharing our lives and emotional
needs with one another, and most importantly, praying for one another through different
spiritual battles and milestones along life’s journey. Ruth and Naomi journeyed together,
supporting one another.
We can also establish friendships with people from different generations outside of our families. We can follow the guidelines for caring given to the elders and young men in 1 Peter
5:1–7. We can physically, emotionally, and spiritually support and encourage the elderly in
our communities and churches, or we can mentor someone younger than us.
53
Unlikely Friends
Leader ’s Guide
Start praying today for 1) how God can use you as a friend to your extended family, and 2)
the opportunity to establish a friendship outside of your generation and family. Your life will
be changed while influencing others, and friendships will flourish.
[Q] Does our society encourage caring for our family members? Explain your thoughts.
Who in your family might need your friendship?
[Q] We can be inspired by how the apostle Paul took Timothy under his care and
mentored him, including leading him to Christ during his first visit to Lystra. Timothy
traveled with Paul on many missionary journeys as well. How might God use your
friendships to further his kingdom?
[Q] Can you think of a person of a different generation with whom you’d like to be
friends? How can you begin a relationship with this person?
Teaching Point Three: Our most enriching friendship is found in
Jesus Christ, and we can gain wisdom from seeing how he loved his
friends.
Read Exodus 33:11 and John 4:1–42. God created his children with a longing for fellowship.
Throughout the Old Testament are stories demonstrating the relational attributes of God.
Some examples of God’s relational intentions include the three persons of the Trinity
walking with Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, Abraham’s covenant relationship with
the Lord, and the Lord speaking face-to-face with Moses as a man would speak with his
friend.
The New Testament documents the greatest demonstration of love: God sending his Son,
Jesus, to minister for thirty-three years on earth. Jesus, having gone through everything we
would experience, continually set an example of how to care for others. Most importantly,
Jesus was the one and only perfect sacrifice to atone for our sins. Through a relationship with
Christ, we enter into relationship with God the Father.
Throughout the Gospels, we see Jesus spending time with people. He fed the hungry, healed
the sick, blessed the children, befriended sinners, and spent time developing close friendships
with the disciples, Mary, Martha, and Lazarus. Jesus was a selfless friend.
Jesus didn’t have an agenda for befriending others. He showed love to those he met. We can
be encouraged by Jesus’ example of making friends with an assortment of people. Perhaps we
will be motivated to befriend our neighbor across the street that we hardly know, the parent
sitting on the bleachers with us game after game, or the woman on the same committee
at church. Maybe it is time to reach beyond our comfort zones. We can love and care for
people, growing friendships along the way in a selfless, Christ-like manner.
54
Unlikely Friends
Leader ’s Guide
[Q] List three things you have in common with the Samaritan woman found in John 4.
[Q] Who might be the “Samaritan woman” God has placed in your life? How might you
initiate a friendship with her?
Part 3
Apply Your Findings
We are created to be relational. Sometimes relationships can be spiritually challenging, but
they also help us grow. We want to focus on the selflessness of Christ and his love and care
for others. By doing so, we are better able to see clear examples of how to befriend others
by aligning with people we have previously found difficult or different than us. We can
care more deeply for others by forming prayer relationships with older or younger family
members, by volunteering our time serving the elderly, or by mentoring young people. There
are many ways to reach beyond our comfort zones. By being willing to initiate friendships,
we will grow in Christ and will almost always experience a truly enriching relationship in
return.
[Q] As a group, brainstorm the following ideas for relational and service activities that
can be done as a group or as individuals. How might they work for you?
Ideas for Relational Activities:
• Group. Plan to host a ladies’ tea at your church or the place where your small group
meets. Encourage each member in this study to invite someone new to attend the tea.
• Individual. Invite someone new to your home for a meal. If it is close to a holiday,
share your holiday dinner with someone spending that day away from his or her family.
• Group or Individual. Write a note of encouragement to someone elderly in a local
nursing home, someone ill in the hospital or recovering at home, a new mom, or
someone who is grieving a loss.
Ideas for Service Activities:
• Group. Plan to volunteer at a local soup kitchen, wrap presents in the mall during the
holidays, or plan a fundraiser for a local charity.
55
Unlikely Friends
Leader ’s Guide
• Individual. Invite a junior or senior high school teen in your church or community
to meet weekly with you for fifteen minutes of prayer and encouragement. Pursue
this relationship throughout the teen’s school years. (You may also want to reverse this
concept and select someone older than you to meet with and to serve as your mentor.)
—Study prepared by Chandelle Claassen.
• Successful Relationships Course
• Like the Ones You Love Course
¿ www.Kyria.com
¨ Becoming a Contagious Christian, Bill Hybels, Mark Mittelberg (Zondervan,
1996)
¨ Friendship: The Key to Spiritual Growth, John W. Crossin (Paulist Press, 1997)
¨ The Friendship Crisis: Finding, Making, and Keeping Friends When You’re Not a
Kid Anymore, Marla Paul (St. Martin Press, 2005)
¨ The Friendship Factor: How to Get Closer to the People You Care for, 25th
Anniversary Edition, Alan Loy McGinnis (Augsburg/Fortress, 2004)
¨ Relationships: How to Make Bad Relationships Better and Good Relationships
Great, Dr. Les Parrott III, Dr. Leslie Parrott (Zondervan, 2002)
¨ Sacred Companions: The Gift of Spiritual Friendship & Direction, David G.
Benner (Inter-Varsity Press, 2004)
¨ Virtues of Friendship and Loyalty, William J. Bennett (Thomas Nelson, 2001)
56
Unlikely Friends
Article
Different by Design
How cultivating an assortment of unlikely
friendships can enrich your life.
By Amy Nappa
When I first met Marie, I never would have imagined we would become friends. It was my first
day in martial arts class. My son, Tony, had been taking tae kwon do for several months, and
I decided joining him would be good exercise and a neat way to bond. As I stepped onto the
mat-covered floor, a small, dark-haired woman wearing a black belt approached me. She smiled
warmly, extended her hand, and said, “Hi! I’m Something Something Something.” At least that’s
what I heard. She had a thick accent. German? French? I responded nervously, “Excuse me?”
Without losing her temper (or giving me a karate chop), she patiently repeated, “I’m Marie
Something Something.” “Marie?” I asked. “Close enough,” she responded. Within a few minutes
she had me doing push-ups and wild kicks.
Over the course of the next few months, I learned her name was actually Marie-Paule Leonhardt,
her accent was French, and she and I had just about nothing in common. True, we were both
mothers, but her kids were grown while my son, Tony, was still in grade school. She enjoyed
hobbies such as hunting (as in shooting elk), fishing (as in standing around in cold water), and
camping (as in sleeping on the hard ground thirty miles from a decent restroom).
One day I said to Marie that it might be nice if we got together for lunch sometime. I was testing
the waters to see if she had any interest in getting better acquainted. After all, we were the only
mothers in the class, and Marie seemed friendly. She agreed to lunch, and we soon met at a
local sandwich shop. That became the first of many lunches we’ve shared together. From these
times, I’ve learned about Marie’s rich European history and the whirlwind romance that brought
her to America. I’ve discovered she is incredibly hospitable, goes out of her way to show friends
she cares about them, and is a talented cook. Despite my initial skepticism, God brought Marie
into my life and allowed us to form a friendship that has enriched my life.
This unlikely friendship, and others like it, got me thinking: Why do I look for friends who are
exactly like me? Why do I think only women my age, married to husbands who like the same
sports as mine, with kids the same age as mine, who volunteer in the same places I do, and who
have the same beliefs as I have, can be my friends? When I examined my closed-minded ways,
I realized I was ignoring potential friendships all over the place!
I asked around and found I wasn’t alone. My friend, Cassie, told me about her first impressions
of an acquaintance, Joelle, and how she was sure they’d never be friends. “Joelle has a blunt
way of speaking; she’s loud and freely shares her opinions,” Cassie explained. “I thought she
might find a better friend in someone else—not quiet, shy me!” Yet after being thrown together in
a variety of churchrelated situations, Cassie saw deeper into Joelle’s heart. She learned Joelle
was firm when it came to standing up for her faith, had a great sense of humor, and sincerely
listened when Cassie had concerns. Soon Cassie realized she had found a friend.
Another friend of mine, Monica, reached out to a developmentally disabled adult, Annette,
whom she met at church. While others might have thought they couldn’t relate to someone with
a disability, Monica put aside those differences. She offered Annette rides to and from church
functions, invited her to family events, and remembered her with other gestures of kindness.
Annette radiates joy every time she speaks of Monica and her children. She knows she has a
friend!
57
Unlikely Friends
Article
These unlikely friendships shouldn’t surprise me. After all, the Bible is full of them. And what
great examples these friendships are for us today.
Family Ties
The Old Testament women Ruth and Naomi never should have been friends. After all, they
were in-laws! Ruth married Naomi’s son, and when both of their husbands died, Ruth stuck
with Naomi instead of returning to her own family. She said, “Where you go I will go, and where
you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will
die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but
death separates you and me” (Ruth 1:16,17). The Bible shows how these women trusted each
other, cared for each other, and stuck it out through thick and thin.
Like Ruth and Naomi, we can find friends within our family. Many women overlook potential
friendships with their parents, in-laws, grandparents, and children. My family members are my
dearest friends of all. My son, Tony, is a bunch of years younger than I am and is into all kinds of
things I’m not, such as sports, video games, and frogs. But Tony and I love to hang out together,
whether we’re reading books, taste-testing cinnamon rolls at local breakfast spots, or dancing
around the living room pretending to be rock stars. He offers me a new perspective on things
and reminds me it’s more important to have fun than to do the laundry. (We all could use friends
like that!)
Adversaries into Allies
The Bible also tells of the unlikely friendship between David and Jonathan (1 Samuel 18–23).
David clearly was God’s choice to be the next king of Israel. Jonathan was the son of the
current king, Saul, and was expected to be the next king. Add to that Saul’s hatred of David,
and you’ve definitely got an unlikely friendship. Yet these two men loved each other as brothers.
When Jonathan was killed, David went to the trouble of finding and caring for Jonathan’s only
heir. Now that’s friendship!
David and Jonathan’s relationship reminds us we can find friends among those we consider our
enemies. You might not think you have adversaries, but you probably have some strong feelings
about certain issues and may avoid people with opposing views. What about someone from a
different political party? Can you put those differences aside for the sake of a friendship? I have
several friends with whom I don’t agree on many ethical points. Yet we’ve been able to agree to
disagree and move on with our friendships. Whether it’s political parties or Harry Potter, set it
aside and look deeper into the loving heart beneath.
The Best Friend of All
Maybe the most unlikely friendship of all is the one between the Samaritan woman and Jesus,
which started at the village well (John 4). To begin with, the woman was a Samaritan, and Jesus
was a Jew. During Bible times, these groups despised each other. In addition, this woman had
an unfavorable reputation and apparently didn’t have a lot of friends, since she was at the well
when other women weren’t.
Most Jews would have snubbed this woman. But not Jesus. He invited her to be one of his
followers. That was an unlikely friendship indeed. Still, it’s rather unlikely any of us would find a
friend in our Lord. We’re imperfect, unholy, and have nothing in common with the Master of the
universe. Yet he still wants us as friends.
58
Unlikely Friends
Article
From this unlikely friendship, we’re reminded of two things. First, Jesus wants to have a
relationship with us. He’s willing to put aside all of our differences and enter into our lives. We
should welcome Jesus as quickly as we would welcome a friend who brought over steaming
lattés and a plate of brownies!
Second, Jesus didn’t look only for friends who were like him. We should follow his example.
Can you think of any possibilities? I thought of a group of college girls who stop by my house
for snacks and a few hours of chitchat every now and then. I first met them when I was one
of their high school church leaders. Who would have thought that over time I’d come to know
these young women as dear friends? They remind me there are still new things to discover and
new paths to explore in life. And I hope my touch on their lives encourages them with an older,
wiser perspective.
Ever since I opened my eyes to unlikely friendships, I’ve found friends everywhere! Friends of
all kinds enrich my life as I enrich theirs. Who is God nudging your way? With his help, you’re
bound to find a friend sooner than you think!
—Amy Nappa, best-selling author, whose latest book is The Low-Fat Lifestyle (WaterBrook, 2002), lives with her family in Colorado.
“Different by Design,” by Amy Nappa, Today’s Christian Woman, July/August 1998
59
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