22nd October 2015

THE BRICK
REINCARNATED
Your one-stop shop for shoddy, Tab-lite "journalism"...
Editor - Geor ge Bar ton
Matt James Hit
and Run Shock!
Says "I'm glad I did it"... cont Pg 15
Bate Rates - Alex Bate
casts his cr itical and
uncar ing eye over
sever al cur r ent cr azes...
Can Red Br icks Kill?
One br ave sub-editor and a
str ay dog ar e on a quest to
find out...
Mur den Unbur dens: On
Paninis, Fr esher s and a
sultr y past
NOTE FROM THE EDITOR
October 2015 Freshers' Edition
Welcome new people to what is pr obably quite an intimidating
chapter in your lives, and welcome back ever yone else. This is the
newly r evamped Br ick, the college newsletter , which has been on
a r ather long hiatus due to my continuing legacy of r epeatedly
?for getting? to publish it. But I finally put my nose to the
gr indstone and chur ned out a few gr imly pr edictable fr esher s?
week favour ites and hopefully some other stuff too. My pr imar y
aim was to pr oduce a gr oundbr eaking piece of or iginal newsletter
mater ial, and to change the ver y conception of how you view
newsletter s, and I hope I?ve achieved that. I wish you all an
incr edible year , fr om the autumnal and
Chr istmas for mal fun, thr ough to the
unhealthy emotional dependency on
your favour ite mug as exams star t to
loom like a big haboob.
I thought I might tr y giving a piece of
A big haboob
advice her e, and I was tor n between
two. The fir st would to be stop and look ar ound ever y once in a
while. Ever yone r uns ar ound so hectically in the shor t ter ms that
sometimes you miss how gr eat town can actually look, fr om the
war m emollient glow of the str eet-lamps thr ough the tower ing
silhouettes dimly visible in the mor ning mist to the quiet dappling
of aubur n leaves on wet cobbles. The second is to tr y and give
your self a pr esent of some sor t ever y day, be it a sumptuous
desser t that you?d nor mally pass up, or an extr a fifteen minutes of
leisur e befor e you star t wor king, although this piece is half advice
and half a plug for the new ser ies of Twin Peaks.
Finally a big thank you to the member s of the RCSA who nagged
this into completion, our two guest contr ibutor s and my ideas men
Jack Sibley, Tom Baines, Keir Baldwin, Joe Br ennan and Chr is
Bar ton.
A CREATION PARABLE IN THE MODERN AGE
In the beginning, ther e was an Edenic halcyon, a
bucolic squar e of pr omised land untouched by
the mammon clutches of Tr inity. And He said,
?Let ther e be an exciting, innovative and
exciting moder n college with (sur pr isingly)
awar d-winning ar chitectur e.?
And it was done, and He saw that it was good.
But He was lost in the spr awling, labyr inthine
maze of spir alling stair cases and tower ing
tur r ets. ?Let ther e be a welcome desk staffed by
fr iendly, welcoming, attentive and physically
supr eme member s of the RCSA to help me settle
in and per haps pr ovide sever al choices of fr ee
hot bever age.?
And it was done, and he saw that it was good.
?Let ther e be spacious, well-fur nished r ooms
with nor th-facing windows and lots of natur al
light and the highest toilet-to-under gr ad r atio in
all of Cambr idge.? And He r eceived his key, and
saw that it was good.
But the pangs of hunger in His stomach gr ew,
gr inding and gnawing at him as r elentlessly as
the mighty, immutable, eter nal r iver Jor dan Bin
Br ook car ves its way thr ough the ar able
pastur es of Isr ael the Gar dens, for it had been
for ty minutes and for ty seconds since that
Ginster s pasty on the M11ser vice station.
So he said, ?Let ther e be a wide choice of
nutr itious meals at affor dable pr ices with both a
vegetar ian and salad option.?
And it was done, and he saw that it was good.
But ther e was mor e to be done. ?Let ther e be
fr equent, diver se and delightfully immer sive
theme nights, as well as a whippy machine
with sauce and spr inkles.?
And it was done. ?But wait?, He boomed,
sonor ously, ?Lo! is it possible to offer all of this
in a ver dant, pastor al setting, staffed by a
pr ofessional and fr iendly team?!??
And it was possible, and it was good.
And as He left, His appetite finally sated, He
found himself standing in fr ont of a bur ning
bush, mouth agape, for although the heavenly
fir e engulfed the bush, the flames licking and
lapping at the hunched, huddled leaves, they
r emained unhar med by the scour ge. And
although the light fr om the divine pr ovenance
was almost too gr eat to gaze upon, the flames
emitted no heat. And in a slow, r asping, hoar se
whisper , He discer ned wor ds, for ms amongst
the chaos. ?You must fr -fr ee the
Isr a-Isr ael-Isr aelitSHSHSHSHSHSHSH? And
suddenly a cacophonous cascading mass of
thick white smoke over whelmed the bush, for it
had been a fir e hazar d, and had been swiftly
and efficiently extinguished accor ding to the
College?s excellent fir e policy.
COLLEGE NEWS
A PERSPECTIVE ON THE CRAUSAZ-WORDSWORTH
COLLEGE SPORT
It's been a successful
beginning to the college spor t
season.
The r ugby team has had two
convincing wins fr om two
games, 33-17 against Fitz and
31-5 against Homer ton, with
last year 's captain Baines
somewhat sur pr isingly top
tr yscor er with 3 so far and
the new intake looking r eally
str ong.
The Hockey team eked past
Magdalene 4-3, the pr inciple
r eason for their continuing
competitiveness being a ver y
dodgy goalkeeping
per for mance by your s tr uly. A
win r emains a win, however ,
as the team look to r etur n to
the top of a tr ee at which
they wer e per ched not 4
seasons ago.
The football team scor ed a
solid 8 without r eply in their
opening clash against Catz
too.
And it you ar en't playing any
college spor t at all, please
r econsider because it's just
the most fantastic way of
playing a wide var iety of
spor ts with little to no
commitment.
HAS THE EXCITING, INNOVATIVE AND EXCITING DEVELOPMENT JUST
TURNED SOUR, SCANDALOUS AND SOUR?
Looking ar ound the br and new Cr ausaz Wor dswor th Building building, a
vistor will immediately notice that it is not intended for students. Ther e
is a giant auditor ium, lar ge meeting r ooms and a mingling r oom r eplete
with a bar and cater ing facilities. The entir e building is fitted with high
spec technology and is gor geous. It?s likely that it?ll be used almost
exclusively for confer ences. If this is tr ue, it is a pr oblem. The building
was adver tised to students, fellows and donor s as a building which will
be ?mainly used for College and academic pur poses?. If this is not tr ue,
college has lied to us and to the people who gave money to fund the
building.
College should str ive to
ensur e our exper ience in
Cambr idge is the best it
can be. Its investments
should enr ich our
exper ience. The
appear ance of this
building means that even
mor e confer ence guests
will be ar ound college, r ight next to two student houses. This is likely to
be disr uptive and it is especially wor r ying as college has not consulted
and cooper ated with the student body to ease the fear s of this pr oblem.
The fir st announcement about the building to the entir e student body
happened in June 2014.
The main ar gument for the building is that it will br ing extr a confer ence
r evenue, allowing College to enr ich our exper ience using this money. We
should note that in 2014 College made a £1.1million net pr ofit on student
r ents and mer e £214k pr ofit fr om confer ences (check out mor e budget
fun her e:
https://www.r obinson.cam.ac.uk/assets/about/foi/2014%20Accounts%20for %20signin
We the students ar e its main sour ce of income and we should demand
that income fr om the building is guar anteed to come to us. BY ANON
Etym ology Weekly
The other day, whilst intr epidly adventur ing into the dar kest depths of Wikipedia, I was star tled to find
myself looking at Sar dinia. Now for year s, I?ve always har bour ed a
linger ing scepticism ar ound Sar dinia, linger ing much like the
ar omatically dubious fish which for me the island had always been
associated with. Stemming fr om a tr aumatic for mative exper ience at a
Pizza Expr ess ?Make your own Pizza? Par ty, I've since been unable to
even smell them without nightmar ish Pr oustian flashbacks of blinding
hor r or , acr id fumes and feeling quite thir sty.
So imagine my sur pr ise when I find out that is actually der ived fr om
Sar dus, an old Libyan Sailor , who must have been pr etty ?char acter ized *Shudder*...
by bitter or scor nful der ision; mocking; cynical; sneer ing? (thanks Online Dictionar y) because he?s also the
r oot of the wor d ?sar donic? (meaning ?char acter ized by bitter or scor nful der ision; mocking; cynical;
sneer ing?, for those with lesser power s of obser vation), a tr ait I suppose I admir e. So, in a similar vein,
her e ar e 4 other inter esting place etymologies...
1. Lewis ? Lewis
So named because the island played host to the camer a cr ew and featur ed
pr ominently in sever al exter ior shots of the TV show Lewis, the Mor se sequel. As
the island was at that time uninhabited and wasn?t known for anything else, it was
named Lewis in homage to the show that put it on the map.
2. Kor ea ? Car eer
I know what you?r e pr obably thinking, and fear not, I?m not going to fall into the glar ing tr ap of ster eotyping
an entir e peninsula as office-bound, goal-or ientated wor kaholics. The fir st Eur opeans, upon making landfall
near moder n-day Inchon, obser ved the local villager s veer ing wildly r ound tight cor ner s on car ts and also
for getting to indicate a lot. ?They?r e r eally car eer ing all over the r oads?, a lookout fr om one of the ships was
hear d to r emar k. Although the stor y is pr obably apocr yphal, the name stuck.
3. Somalia ? Sommelier
A people known for their outstanding sense of smell, a unique, unr ivalled ability
to match Fr ench vintages to differ ent local specialities and an innate knowledge
of the most expensive items on the wine list, Fr ench settler s good-humour edly
nicknamed the local nomadic tr ibesmen ?somellians?.
A typical Somalian man
4. Wazir istan ? Wazzock
A Wazzock in action...
This der ogator y ter m, meaning ?An idiot, or gener ally daft
per son?(©Ur banDictionar y, 2014), popular ised by Cr aig Char les, came about
or iginally when a Lancastr ian Regiment of Br itish Soldier s conducting
engagements near the Pakistan bor der dur ing the Second Anglo-Afghan War in
1879 accidentally str ayed into Pakistani Wazir istan, wher eupon they soon
encounter ed a local tr ibe. Having been put befor e the chief, he touched the
Lieutenant-in-Char ge upon the for ehead and pr onounced the wor d ?Wazzock?.
Although this, in the now-extinct indigenous dialect, was believed to be an offer to
sample the local goat cur r y, the wor d stuck.
Basil
vs
M C Sic k l e Cel l
Basil: Don't hate j ust cos you
were late to this rap battle
MC Sickle Cell: I 'm gonna rap some lines with lyrical
I 'm a heavyweight so let me state guise Man you better get wise or a man in disguise
that don't hate You're so bate and
your not my mate, j ust don't hate will soon reprise and reveal your lies
We're in a brick city, and it's a bit shitty
but I 've writ this ditty, I 'll show I 'm witty
When I wore drag I was pretty
You want mean I 'm gritty
A rare transcript of Basil's original
bar rap battle. Now a highly
sought-after collector's item, this
was believed to have been
scribbled down by someone
actually present at the historic
event.
I 'm the flyest of guys, you j ust looking at flies
because you're gay
Not that there's anything wring with being gay
I mean I might try it one day
but I don't think I 'm into guys, this isn't lies
and I 'm not homophobic or nothing but I don't want to
guy a good stuffin, for me its licking muffin
Basil: But you were late, don't hate,
you've handed me this battle on a
plate
Mark the date, the day of my spate,
you're now irate
so don't hate, don't hate, don't hate..
Bruuuuuuuvvvvv
By Guest Contributor Tom Baines
Poetr y Cor ner
Stop on by for the quiet discussion, stay for the
pastel colour s
Coda
An Inter esting Fact
The mist scents the desensitised,
As the fog of discontent creeps
The soft splash of red velvet on plush, wine-sodden carpet,
And I can no longer wait or deceive.
The time is coming. Closer. Nearer.
Disparate feelings emerge from a ravenous sea,
Crashing yet sailing. Laughing yet - but I can't.
Sinking, drowning, fighting the ever growing current.
The soothing, risible efforts, hauling the tattered skins of lions,
I have slain
Why? If I only knew why......
And I can feel the raindrops falling gently through my thinning hair. (like
tears)
My constitution croaks slowly, rasping at its last.
My very being fading away.
Do I Even have Meaning?
A burst of passion. Vanity and futility are bed-mates, trapped in the
seemingly inexorable peaks.
My bareness uncovered and uncouth. Corrupted in dismay.
This poem was wr itten on
what I r ecall was a
par ticular ly dull fir st-year
after noon, as we lay,
languidly, in the cafe,
smoking countless
opium-tinted cigar ettes,
while a skein of geese glided
smoothly over the dappled
ashen sky and the
occasional gust of wind
r ustled the r eddish-br own
leaves and induced a shiver
in those foolhar dy tr aveller s
without a gr eatcoat. The
idea was to each compose
an individual line
independent of the one
above it, but with the
sentiment of the or iginal
line still fr esh in our
memor y, examining the
themes of chain r eactions
and collective exper ience.
THE AUTHORS
This week?s poem comes fr om thr ee of Robinson?s
br ightest young Wor dswor th-in-waitings, Geor ge
Bar ton, Tom Baines and Jack Sibley, and tackles
the difficult subject of diffident desir e and
dissolute decay in a disconsolate, despondent
wor ld. Oh look at me, I?m star ting all over again?
Obitu ar ies
with
G. Reaper
(ie n ot m e)
- Tom Baines died fr om complications r elating to a Taser injur y after he r efused to leave the
childr en?s T-shir t section of Next. All our hear ts go out to his family and fr iends.
- Samuel David Car r ?s life came to an unfor tunate end in the Br itish Political Histor y Section
of the Robinson College Libr ar y, at 3 AM, due to a r uptur ing of the bladder . Tr agically, the
ambulance was delayed due to r ecent NHS cutbacks. Befor e passing away in peace Samuel
wr ote on the wall in blood, ?we inher ited this mess?.
- Rohan Giblin left this wor ld after succumbing to a flesh wound sustained upon collision with
the hull of a commer cial fishing vessel, off the coast of Wester n Austr alia. Our thoughts ar e
with his family at this difficult time.
- Keir Baldwin?s r otting naked cor pse was found tied fr ont-fir st to his bed, appr oximately
seven months after his untimely, myster ious, demise. When asked why he hadn?t discover ed
the body ear lier , his r oommate Michael Teal, claimed that he hadn?t r ecognised any
discontinuities. Initial investigations into the cause of death suggest sever e r ectal bleeding.
Famed playwr ight Thomas Folley has been taken in for questioning.
- David Hoar e finally lost his battle with r abies, contr acted on his mother ?s bir thday, after he
consumed the family?s pr ized wine r eser ve, snogged a r abid str ay dog, and dr ank its ur ine.
Requiescat in Pace.
Puzzle Cor ner
The Fabulous Fr esher Wor dsear ch!!!
The wor ds to find ar e:
Happiness
Fr iend
Relaxed
Fr ee After noon
Lazy Lie-in
Fun
FresherMart ? The essential
purchases you probably
can?t do without
Vomit bin ? this freshers' week must-have. This cleverly eco-centric design is not only
designed to catch 96% of that nasty stain-causing post-party vomit, it will actually recycle
it and convert it into original conversation-starters. £999.99
Personality Stone ? give your room some instant personality with the limited edition
Personality Stone? . Wonder as visitors to your room gaze at the monolith?s towering,
faceless visage! Bask in the warm glow of attention and conversation as your peers
excitedly ask you about the imposing yet lustrous polished basalt face of the Personality
Stone? ! Made from the famous Icelandic basalt of Naïfskoll, only £9.99. Only 5 available.
Delivery considerably extra.
Kw ik -f it guide
t o dining o ut
Much like Michael Keaton?s Beetlejuice was famously the ?ghost with the
most, baby?, when it comes to fish and chips boasts, it's Coast with the most.
Awkwar d intr os aside though, they do an excellent deal of fish and chips
plus a can of dr ink in a seasick subaqueous student special for a mer e £5,
the tr ue significance of which will be r evealed when you stagger back fr om
seeing their r egular pr ice list.
If you like your food to be finger -lickin?good and deal exclusively in
her bs and spices in multiples of 11, then for you the chips ar e down
(Rose Cr escent in McDonalds). In a nar r ow locus of shops you could
fancifully ter m the ?fast food hub? of town you?ll find pr icey but
per ennial favour ite Gar dies (The Gar denia) and cheap and tasty but
somewhat anodyne McDonalds, which, incidentally, always ends up
giving me the str ange sensation that it?s someone else?s food in my
stomach r ather than my own.
For the bar gain gour met option, you could
always Eat Fr esh at Subway.
And, pur ely because it happens to sit
in the middle of all of these, the West
Cor nish Pasty Company, r eplete with
shanty-singing sea-legged salty dog
captain sur veying out to the hor izon
fr om his per ch on the cr ow?s nest,
watching for the distant for eign
gusts that he once sur ged acr oss the
seven seas on, or r eminiscing quietly
about some of his favour ite pasties.
NB: I've r ecently been infor med this closed
6 months ago. But I've wr itten it, so I'll be
damned if it's not going in anyway.
The somewhat char acter less Tr ailer of Life, which also has
the unique advantage of being mobile, sits near by. I?ve hear d
they do a ver y good cheesy chips, but I?ve always viewed it
with a quiet, linger ing suspicion after r umour s that it
changed fr om its for mer name, which scholar s believe has
been lost for ever in the annals of time immemor ial, to the
cur r ent one to cash in on a then-contempor ar y tr end to
r efer to it and its sister van as the vans of Life and Death,
r espectively.
If you'r e hungr y, if no-one else
can help, and if you can find it,
you can go to the Baked Potato
van. They once made me one
with peking duck and pickle,
and if that?s not wor th £1.50, I
don?t know what is anymor e.
o n t he
Do w n-Lo w is
What you should hate this week...
Heey Guys,
As many of you may know, we r ecently had a fantastic campaign to get better , healthier and
tastier food for the café and, I?m glad to say, it has wor ked! We now have a br illiant r ange of
beneficial and delicious paninis, yoghur ts, sushi and of cour se yoghur t-coated ginger for those
blissful br eaks in between the tough studying we all get up to in the libr ar y. Sadly though, ther e is
so much mor e that needs to be done to make college a fr iendlier and mor e inclusive place for
ever yone! So if you could please all email college with r equests for the following, it would be so
gr eat as the mor e of us who do, the mor e likely they ar e to change the cur r ent status quo:
Gluten-fr ee Paninis
It would be so gr eat if ever yone could r eally campaign har d for this. Nutr itionists have shown that
gluten makes you sluggish, tir ed and less efficient at wor king dur ing those long sessions in the
libr ar y! So don?t wor r y if you?r e not aller gic to gluten, as it?s still a super tasty and delicious tr eat
that ever yone can enjoy healthily! Especially when you?r e taking a br eak fr om a long session in the
libr ar y!
Mor e Pr otozoan Food
We did a r eally gr eat job with the veggie paninis guys, and it was r eally r eally gr eat to see
ever yone suppor t those of us who choose not to eat meat, while getting a much better selection
anyways. Sadly, ther e ar e quite a few people who have come to me and said that despite the
incr eased choice of vegetar ian panini, ther e is still sadly a r eally small choice for pr otozoan food
in the café. For those of you who haven?t hear d of it, Pr otozoan food is food which comes fr om the
pr otozoan kingdom of the taxonomic tr ee, and is a super gr eat alter native to the hegemonies of
the animal, plant and fungus kingdoms that have so long monopolised the food mar ket. So don?t be
scar ed to email college today, it makes a super tasty and r eally light snack. Plus, nutr itionists have
been publishing paper s for year s about the benefits of ingesting malar ia and sleeping sickness
or ally as a r eally gr eat way of combating lethar gy, which is a r eal pr oblem for some people, and
means that wor king is even tougher and they have to take even mor e well-ear ned study br eaks.
Pigeon holes
I was just taking a br eak fr om the libr ar y the other day to go and check my pigeon-hole and
maybe anonymously send myself another fr iendship haiku when I noticed for the fir st time how
awful and backwar ds and just kind of uncool the pigeon hole system is. It?s so needlessly divisive,
and it engender s inher ent differ ences between people ar ound college. I just think it?ll be so cool
and gr oovy if we all just had one big pigeon hole, wher e ever ything could go, and wher e it
wouldn?t be so binar y and pr escr iptive as to the name of your par ents or legally r epr esentative
guar dian or whatever society dictated your natally-assigned signpost-pr efix should be.
Do you ever wonder at how it all came to this, and bemoan the cynical, soulless shadow of a per son you see
star ing blankly back thr ough unblinking, uncar ing eyes at you fr om the mir r or ?
Do you occasionally catch a glimpse of an old, wor n childhood toy, a for gotten r elic of a time when you
r emember ed how to be happy, and silently weep for a time when it wasn?t going to be like this, and when the
chasm between your dr eams and expectations and those of ever yone else wasn?t cr eaking shut at such an
inevitable, inexor able r ate in the face of your own tr agic indiffer ence?
While the answer to these is obviously yes, it ser ves to pr ove a point. Camus wr ote that to accept our place
in the moder n wor ld, ?One must believe that Sisyphus was happy?.
But we at the Br ick think that we might have found a solution, the spar k your own Sisyphean existence
desper ately needs?
Robinson College's Top Toilets
Nothing sums up the monotonous malaise of moder n life mor e than being monogamously mar r ied to one
lavatoir e. So her e ar e some alter natives:
5. Star ting off our list today is the bop-r oom toilets. While they r ar ely see student action outside Fr iday nights,
and as I?m sur e the Bin Br ook cycle shed faithful know, on many a last minute pitstop on the dash to a lectur e,
they do seem to be the r epositor y of choice for our fine staff populace. Somewhat out of the way, they offer a
mor e secluded envir onment away fr om the hubbub that often per vades your oasis of calm near er the cr ux of
the cour tyar d.
That being said, it often feels as though a cer tain chill descends when I?m ther e, a haughty, ster ile feel, almost
as though you?r e a visitor r ather than a guest.
4. The Computer Room Toilets
This toilet is a tr icky customer . Unfor tunately wr enched fr om his mother ?s bosom at the Ar mitage Shanks
Showr oom and deposited high in the swir ling tur r ets of college, he?s gr adually r eceded fr om college life to
become nothing mor e than a sullen, secluded alcove on your r ight as you pant, punctually, towar ds the teaching
r ooms. That said, I can sympathise with this toilet, and even r espect it. While not being outwar dly welcoming
and hospitable, a gr udging bond of r espect has for med between this toilet and anyone who?s ever spent an
extended per iod of time in the computer r oom. I can?t imagine Atlas was welcoming either ?
3. Dining Hall Toilets
Located at the end of a labyr inthine passageway, this toilet gains as many mar ks for staying cultur ally r elevant
as it loses for sheer distance fr om its intended user s. You can mar vel at sever al of college?s fine Matisse pr ints,
and linger a while at the str iking water colour s that dot the r oute. That said, you can never r eally for m a bond
with this toilet. Like the cool fr iend who sometimes dr ops by at your par ty, you can like it, but never love it.
2. Linnett Room
Ideally nestled between the Linnett Room and the Chapel, offer s an unspoilt moment of solitude amidst the
hustle and bustle of college life. The hand-dr yer is also ter r ifically power ful. Unfor tunately, he can be a bit
bor ing in his bland quietness. Nothing to dislike at all, but none of those spar ks that make r elationships so
exciting.
1. Under the Libr ar y
Topping our list ar e the libr ar y toilets. When I fir st ventur ed down, in a stupor following an entir ely
self-inflicted 3am libr ar y session, my initial r eaction to the menacing hum of the air -con, the shar p shadows
spr awled over the tiles and the clockwor k dr ipping sound of what I hope was water , my initial r eaction was that
?I could die her e tonight.? But now, almost two year s later , I?m saying the same thing but with a differ ent
meaning. Unassuming, humble and polite, he?s awar e he?s in a niche but will never exploit that, with his
unfailing tidiness and r elaxed atmospher e a par agon to all.