Latveria Ratifies Kyoto Protocol

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Latveria Ratifies Kyoto Protocol
Phoolishly phunded by SGPHC!
Volume 2, Issue 7
Wednesday, January 18th, 2006
The Chicago Shady Dealer
C R E S C A T
META-DISCLAIMER:
If you object to hunting down
dogs, please replace ‘dog’ with
another animal or inanimate object of choice.
Thank you.
READ AT YOUR
OWN PERIL:
Wild Speculation
2
Your Mother
2
An Epic Saga
3
Tomfoolery
3
Self-Aggrandizement
3
Phallic Humor
3
Serious Literature
4
Jokes About Cancer
4
This Week in Facebook
4
V I T I A
E X C O L A N T U R
Latveria Ratifies Kyoto Protocol
¡DISCLAIMER!
If you are offended or otherwise
provoked to hunt us down like the
dogs we are in retribution for what
is printed here, please stop,
breathe deeply, count to 10, and
remember the guiding principle of
our staff: The Chicago Shady
Dealer is not a reliable news
source.
R U M O R
ing that he had a previous appointment to destroy the Fantastic Four at
two o’clock.
Latveria, located just south of
the Carpathian mountain range, is a
small nation that has been ruled by
von Doom–commonly described as
‘nefarious’ or ‘megalomaniacal’–
since the late 1960's. Technically a
constitutional tyrannocracy, Latveria
has boasted unparalleled economic
growth for much of von Doom’s reign,
thanks to his incredible technological
innovations in the fields of heavy
industry, metallurgy and invincible
super-weapons. Its main exports are
death and terror.
Von Doom has long been critical of pollution and the shortsightedness of industry. “After all,
one day Doom shall be the unquestioned master of the world,” he said
in a recent interview on CNN. “Doom
would appreciate it if you miserable
fools would refrain from polluting it in
the meantime.”
However, Doom has himself
come under fire for his stances on
other issues such as human rights,
Count von Doom, ever the jokester, initially signed the document in pencil. When a senior diplomat pointed out his faux pas, he reinternational cooperation and his
signed the accord in the blood of the innocent.
multiple attempts to conquer the
world. He has on several occasions
By Ted Anderson
“Today is a great day for the subjects of clashed with such superheroes as the FantasThe tiny, fictional Eastern European na- the great Doom,” said the count, referring to tic Four, the Avengers, and Squirrel Girl. In
tion of Latveria today became the 154th coun- himself in the third person. “No longer will April 2003, Doom was attacked in a Denver
try to ratify the Kyoto Protocol, the interna- they be forced to suffer from the respiratory airport by a suicide bomber opposed to his
tional treaty on climate change intended to problems brought on by airborne industrial rule of Latveria, and was saved only thanks to
reduce global levels of pollution, particularly pollutants, or live in fear of a time when the the timely intervention of Captain America
carbon dioxide. The supreme ruler of Latve- polar ice caps shall be melted by the green- and Spider-man. In spite of such resentment
ria, Count Victor von Doom, Ph.D, known in- house effect. Instead, they shall be able to over his rule, as well as his apparent recent
formally as Doctor Doom, spoke today at a lead happy, productive lives assisting me in demise in an alternate ‘pocket’ dimension
press conference wearing his trademark my various plans to achieve world domina- after an extended clash with the demon Megreen cape, suit of armor and imposing metal tion. Doom conquers all!” The count did not phisto, von Doom is likely to remain ruler of
mask.
take questions after the announcement, stat- Latveria for quite some time.
Shady Dealer Writer Arrested
for Crimes too Horrible to Describe
By Ted Anderson
Jeff Badcrumble, itinerant hobo and
freelance writer for the Shady Dealer, was
arrested last night on charges that cannot
be printed or even described. Badcrumble,
best known for his twenty-six part expose
on the secret lives of chairs and awardwinning memoirs Like Rafting Down A
River Of Awesomeitude: The Secret
Thoughts of Jeff Badcrumble, is currently in
custody pending trial. His bail has not
been set, because the judge who would
have set it, after being told the crimes Badcrumble was accused of, ran screaming
from the room.
“Last night, the University police came
across Mr. Badcrumble in a situation that
we are literally unable to describe at present,” said Lavidicus O’Day, spokesman for
the UCPD, at a press conference early this
morning. “He has been charged for no less
than three hundred and seventy-five separate and distinct crimes, some of which
had to be invented on the spot simply to
take in the unimaginable perversity of his
actions. We would refer to them as ‘crimes
against humanity’, but even this cannot
take in their full scope, and we may need
to create an entirely new category of evil
simply to define what Mr. Badcrumble has
done.
“I wish it were possible to give you an
accurate picture of what our officers found
last night when they kicked in Mr. Badcrumble’s door. However, this is not possible, partly because most of those officers
are either still in shock or incurably insane,
and partly because the little we can tell you
is so mind-bending horrible that by
telling you we could ourselves be
prosecuted,” O’Day went on to say. However, the Shady Dealer has been able to
acquire a few small details about exactly
what Badcrumble is accused of. We are
certain that it involved at least four prostitutes, a platypus, and several species of
cephalopod; however, the presence of
one or more dead gophers has not been
confirmed. It is also known that police
removed several staple guns from Badcrumble’s apartment as evidence, in
addition to three industrial-sized bottles
of Flintstones vitamins. Our reporter on
the scene described a smell “like rotten
oranges and fabric softener” coming
from the room before he began laughing
uncontrollably and had to be removed to
the nearest mental institution. He is not
expected to recover.
When asked to comment on Badcrumble’s arrest, Chicago Shady Dealer
editor Zachary Binney did not mince
words. “Personally, I’m glad as hell that
fucker finally got arrested,” Binney said,
wiping powder from the end of his nose.
“He used to turn up at staff meetings with
a dozen stab wounds, covered in blood and
holding his own severed ear. All he’d say
was ‘you should see the other guys’. I
mean, his articles were genius, no doubt—
he once wrote an editorial that actually
gave readers seizures, it was so scathing.
But his kind of crazy we don’t need in this
paper. You want a hit? Primo Columbian,
man. Uncut.”
Police came to Badcrumble’s apartment at approximately 12:20 a.m. last
night in response to repeated complaints
from Brian McEnergy, Badcrumble’s upstairs neighbor.
“Around midnight, I
Ferderal agents were called in to secure this man, believed to be Badcrumble, after the arresting officers were found
lying in a pool of vomit and tears, catatonic and curled into the fetal position.
started hearing these freaky noises coming
from downstairs,” McEnergy said.
“It
sounded like...hell, I don’t know. I was in
Vietnam for six years, man, and I never
heard nothin’ that horrible. It was like
hearin’ the devil have sex with a fax machine with a brass band playin’ along. I
jumped outta bed and I called the cops
quick as I could, ‘cause whatever those
folks were doin’ down there, it sure weren’t
natural.”
Responding to complaints of police
brutality, O’Day was surprisingly candid.
“Sure, our guys roughed him up a little,” he
said. “But let me tell you–from what I’ve
heard, he deserved everything he got and
so much more. It may take years to make
that apartment inhabitable again. Our
officers may never recover from the awful,
hideous things they saw in there. Terrors
that would have driven Lovecraft himself to
madness. We can only hope that his trial
results in a painful and prolonged execution, designed to wring every last drop of
agony from his shattered body.”
Our thoughts and prayers are emphatically not with Mr. Badcrumble in
this time of trial.
V o l u m e
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P a g e
“Gravitas? Gravitastic!”
2
Who’s the Boss?
Bush to Retire from Presidency,
Seek New Job as University President
Circumcision Guy May be Named
New University President
By Noah Kristula-Green
moderate on social issues and never actuBy Ethan Stanislawski
University of Chicago’s future, Strandjord
In a move that echoed former Russian ally supportive of him, vote McCain!”
Daniel Strandjord, a constant presence raised chuckles when he said “here are my
President Boris Yeltsin’s retirement, George agenda, are also in a tight spot. As one
on the University of Chicago campus and the plans—uncut.” After the chuckles deservedly
W. Bush addressed the nation on New Years GOPer told us in private in the parking lot
son of a McClintock Teaching Award winning turned into groans, Strandjord quickly reEve with the following statement:
with his face in the deepest darkest shadprofessor, is considered by many to be a gained his composure by discussing some
“My fellow Americans: I have done my ows, “The Dubyaführer will not settle for
frontrunner to replace departing President bold, daring propositions.
best to be your President these last five anything less than total control of his base,
Don Randel. Mr. Strandjord, best known for
“My first action as President will be to
years. However, due to the difficultyness of and unless the IHC and SG approve of his
his daily anti-circumcision activism outside cut off the University Hospital’s circumcision
my work, and the fact that Iraq is now turn- plans, heads of various student leaders and
the University of Chicago Hospital, had the program, and increase education on the
ing into a mess that takes up far too much activists, will roll! Metaphorically, of course.”
support of his “groupies” and the “groupies cruel nature of circumcision, as well as the
time for the poll numbers I have, I’ve de- President “President” George Walker Bush
of the groupies”, according to facebook.com. dangers.”
cided that the prudent thing to do would be has stated he intends to “stay the course”
His reputation grew with a featured article
Mr. Strandjord also proposed expanding
to retire from my current job.”
with regards to the University’s expansion,
on his cause in the Maroon last April, and the undergraduate biology program and
Yet cheer and adulation was short lived but he also has some plans of his own. It’s
Strandjord impressed the Board with his adding a specialization in reproductive biolfor University of Chicago students as Presi- rumored that Pierce, Hutch, Bartlett, and
rhetorical abilities, undying dedication to the ogy. He plans to expand the gender studies,
dent Bush outlined the next stage of his life: other dining services will be phased out to
university and skillful financial management political science and public policy depart“I look forward to seeking a new position as accommodate service from Halliburton.
“Just imagine: every day he’s out there ments, with an added emphasis on the polPresident of the University of Chicago”. To Aramark declined to comment.
advocating his cause,” Board Chairman icy of sexuality and human rights.
which the general American populace reBut his most daring and controversial
James S. Crown said in a recent press conMr. Strandjord explained, “The main
sponded “University of Illinois at Chicago?”
change involves the famed “Great Books”
ference. “He doesn’t have a job since he’s problem with America is its prudishness
While much of the world is not con- curriculum. Bush has personally revised the
out there all day. Yet he still manages to towards sex, and as a university we need to
cerned about who becomes the president of list to include some of his favorite texts,
make ends meet. That gives me the utmost find more compelling evidence to underthe “socially irrelevant” University of Chicago starting with Goodnight Moon and The Very
confidence in his ability to manage this uni- stand just how dangerous that prudishness
(The New Yorker, Oct 10 2005), many mem- Hungry Caterpillar. Marx and that “cheese
versity’s financial resources. Furthermore, can be.”
bers of the student body have expressed eatin surrender moneky” Tocqueville have
the fact that he can raise so much awareThe prospective President plans to enshock and disgust at this new development, been removed from the list. Although Bush
ness of so small an issue is particularly im- courage this message by bringing in such allnotably the 558 members of the “George is very fond of Hobbes, he has reported that
pressive. If he can get people to stop having star faculty members as David Bowie and
Bush is not my President” Facebook group. he thinks Leviathan is “long” and will recircumcisions, he certainly can get alumni to Günter, and plans to raise money as quickly
One member of the group commented, “We quest that they switch to teaching “The Esdonate money.”
as possible for a new university arts cendidn’t get to be the second largest group sential Calvin and Hobbes” by Bill WatterWhen asked about his plans for The ter/erotica store, preliminarily named the
after ‘I went to a Public School, Bitch!’ just to son.
“Michel Foucault Memorial Lovehave this happen to us!”
nasium,” pleasing many university
Many University of Chicago stuprofessors, students, and random
dents are now in what they will gladly
old gay guys in Europe.
refer to as (to prove their better-thanAmong many other propoaverage literacy) “a Catch-22”. As a
sitions, Mr. Strandjord plans to
UCDems member explained, “The coteach a Big Problems course called
nundrum is simple: either George Bush
“Circumcision, Tradition, and Huhas his finger on the nuclear button, his
man Rights” to be cross-listed with
hand in the continued worsening of our
HIPS, Jewish Studies, Gender Studnational security, and his feet pressing
ies and Philosophy. Finally, Mr.
the valves of the appointments of more
Strandjord proposed increasing
Michael Browns, or he cockblocks my
activism programs on campus, but
learning experience and personally
calmed the fears of overworked
ruins my life! Clearly there is no lesser
students when he said, “No one
of the two evils.”
has to be as hardcore as I am, but
While most of the College Republistill, it’s necessary to get these
cans were predictably enthusiastic,
kids out of the Reg and actually
some, who had planned to take advansupporting a cause.” Three Ecotage of Bush’s weakness to push the “I Left-to right: Bush, Corey, and Strandjord. According to highly placed administrative sources, these are the three most qualified candidates for
nomics majors proceeded to kill
may be a Republican, but I am more
University President. Also according to our sources, all of them have been circumcised, and Bush is secretly “left-leaning.”
themselves.
If I Were President, by Second-Year Max Corey
With Don Michael Randel deciding he’s
had enough of Hyde Park, I thought, what
would I do if I were President of the University of Chicago? Realizing that I have a better
chance of winning the lottery, going on a
date with Eva Longoria, and becoming the
lead singer of a popular, octo-platinum punk
rock band called “Angry Fucked-Up 20 year
Olds who hate stuff and dye their hair, paint
their nails, and wear black to stick it to the
man Malaise 5” all on the same day, I can
nevertheless imagine what I would do if I
were President of the University of Chicago
for one day.
1) The Chipotle Meal Plan: Seriously, a
pop, a sandwich, and some chips at Bartlett
is approximately $60.
Alan Greenspan
would schvitz if he saw this kind of inflation.
Anyway, this plan would allow students to eat
at chipotle every day, which is both cheaper
and better. As Luke 3:17 says, “If you don’t
like Chipotle, then God will smite you.”
2) Let’s Start Recruiting--For football/real sports only. Seriously, wouldn’t it
be great to have someone like USC QB Matt
Leinart in your HUMA (or would I write HUME
since that’s how we say it? Someone needs
to decide this) or SOSC (or would I write
SOSH or SOSCH or SOSHE? Again, I’m very
confused) class? I can see it now:
Professor: Ok, so can anyone explain to
me the relationship Marx uses between exchange value, use value, and labor? Matt?
Matt Leinart: Umm… umm… umm…
H u m a n
umm… dammit, I knew this one….P?
3) Stress-related Ulcer Prevention Day:
Like suicide prevention day, but in 3rd quarter.
4) Better Lecturers: Sure, Professor
Cass Sunstein’s legal lectures may contain
relevant information regarding civil liberties
in post 9/11 democracy, but I want some
pizzazz.
How about Prince, Denise Richards, or
the founder of Facebook coming to campus?
Aren’t these people just as influential as any
professor or intellectual?
5) Smiling Sessions: It’s first week and
there’s little homework on a beautiful autumn day with the birds and the bees out
probably having sex with each other, and you
notice that no one on this campus is smiling,
even on a great day like this. I propose mandatory smiling sessions, where people learn
the art of sociability. Such important sessions include, “Why saying hello to the opposite sex does not have to be stressful and/or
awkward”, “You can be polite to strangers”,
and “Lift your head up and smile god dammit, we’re all a bunch of over privileged college students and we could be mining diamonds for De Beers making six cents an
hour and eating moldy rice every day so be
grateful”.
6) Guns for Freshman-Because a rape
whistle isn’t going to do a lot when you’re
half-drunk and alone on the Red Line surrounded by half of Chicago’s Crypts at 3 a.m.
7) The Cobb TVs-You know those Tvs in
I n t e r e s t
While Not Fat, Your Mother is Easy
By Samantha Schoeneman
I am sorry. I am not doing this to upset
you. I just think you should know the truth
about your mother, so you do not put her or
women in general on a pedestal like the
medieval knights with all that Camelot, Lady
of Shallot crap. Your mom is willing to share
more of her goodies than her chocolate
cookies.
My suspicions began last year when I
was shopping at Victoria’s Secret and trying
to purchase some lacy underthings for a
lingerie party but instead was arguing with
the cashier. (I don’t want an Angel’s Card. I
Cobb that are taller than a tall midget, flat become more normal, and cheerleaders is a
screen, and never used by any class? Those great place to start. I guarantee our football
have to be able to fetch at least one grand a attendance would increase to record highs of
piece on eBay. I say we sell them and split 40, nay, 50 people.
the money between the faculty and the stu11) Housing for Sorority’s: Just to go out
dents. Or maybe it could go to Hurricane of my way to show I’m not sexist, sororities
Katrina relief, since apparently, that’s been should have their own housing.
in the news lately.
Drier/Washing machine included….I will now
8) No homework Tuesdays-This one’s crawl in a hole and hide.
purely selfish, my favorite TV shows are on
12) Core Changes. Sure, we all should
Tuesday and I hate having to tape them. I read Thucydides, know how to do a derivaalso hate linoleum floors, every Mariah Carey tive, and pass the language proficiency test.
CD, and things that smell like tuna but aren’t But we need more options within each core
tuna.
class:
9) Celebrity Professors--and I don’t HUMA: “Readings in People Magazine”; “The
mean Herman Sinaiko: Wouldn’t it be great, Sitcom in Society”; “The Collected Works of
if, even for a day, your poly sci professor was R.L. Stine”
taught by Ian Ziering of 90210 and you just ART/MUSIC REQUIREMENT: “Tupac Shakur
got sidetracked as he went on this tangent and the West Coast Revolution”; “Toby Keith:
about the time he and Luke Perry got drunk Trashy redneck hick or lyrical poet?”; “Jim
before a mall autograph session and almost Davis: Garfield after 9/11”
had sex in the middle of the food court? PHYSICAL SCIENCES: “Magma is Hot, so
Wouldn’t a Bio lecturer be great if it was Don’t Touch it”; “The Chemistry of College:
taught Dr. Phil, and you just had really emo- Ecstasy, Heroin, and Quaaludes”; “Time
tional conversations with each student and Travel, Flux Capacitors, and the Dolorean:
you didn’t learn a thing, other than that the The Works of Dr. Emmett Brown”;
girl who you hate who always asks inappro- BIO TOPICS: “Boogers and Phlegm”; “Fecal
priate questions has sexual identity prob- Matters”; “The Biology of the Cocoa Bean,”
lems? This would be critical to my presi- with required field trip to the Ghiradelli
dency, like tax cuts to George W. Bush, wel- Chocolate Store in downtown Chicago; and
fare reform to Bill Clinton, and doing jackshit “The Evolution of Cheetah Genitalia”
to Gerald Ford.
10) Cheerleaders: Granted, they may
Call that my 12 points, like Wilson’s 14,
not look like the Dallas Cowboys Cheerlead- but two less for you fundamentals majors.
ers, but our school desperately needs to
just want to buy the panties and leave!) admissions department right under Ted
Finally, while the pissed off employee was O’Neil’s office when I noticed your mother
carelessly throwing my panties in a bag, I walking up the stairs. Several minutes later
looked to my right and saw your mother buy- when I was busy memorizing facts about the
ing some G-strings and asking another sales- architecture of the Max Palevsky dorms for
lady if there were more in different colors. At my campus tour, I thought I heard Ted movfirst I just assumed she and your father had ing furniture above and then a loud groan.
a healthy sexual relationship, but then I re- Thinking Ted was having trouble shifting his
membered your father was a Catholic insur- desk, I came to the rescue. As I was about
ance salesman.
to knock on the door, your mother exited
Later that summer I was working in the See PROMISCUOUS, next page
V o l u m e
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I s s u e
7
P a g e
“Do not operate while under the influence of heavy machinery.”
B l a t a n t
S e l f - P r o m o t i o n
A Word from Our Editor
Shady Dealer Recognized for Transcendent Genius
By Joel Putnam
The Chicago Shady Dealer was recently
presented with an award recognizing the
“Transcendent Genius” of its work. We here
at the Dealer were pleased to receive this
award and distinction after our effort to get
out an excellent issue every three weeks. It
is truly gratifying to know that our hard work
has garnered such critical acclaim. We can’t
pretend to be surprised after hearing all the
praise we’ve received from so many different quarters:
“Man that… [Chicago Shady Dealer]
was awesome! I loved it!” - Second year student, Joe Schmidt, approached after a con-
cert in Mandel hall.
“What do I think is the best publication
on campus? Why the… [Chicago Shady
Dealer] of course!” - Third year Julie Stein,
working at the Regenstein Library.
“The… [Chicago Shady Dealer] is a classic for a reason. I think it’s the best thing I’ve
ever read.” - First year Kenneth Barstow as
overheard while leaving his Greek Thought
and Lit class.
“That Shady Dealer [is really, really
cool].” - C-Shop staff member Lisa Jordan on
break near Reynolds Club newsstands.
“What the heck is [possibly even close
to being as good as] the Chicago Shady
P o l i t i c a l
By Michael Stevens
On Tuesday, the office of Ohio Rep.
John Boehner released a list of 18 new congressional supporters in his bid for House
majority leader. While there was much celebration in the Boehner camp, skeptics fear
that this Boehner may have shot his wad too
early.
Teresa Wiseman, a political correspondent for CNN, explains: “Boehner’s top competitor for the position, Republican whip
Rep. Roy Blunt, has put up a good fight and
continues to lead in the polls. The problem
with Blunt, though, is that many members of
Congress see him as a sluggish, fat, pennypinching, spineless jellyfish. In other words,
Blunt is a lazy scarecrow-of-a-man that refuses to allocate funds where they are
needed most. In still other words, Blunt is a
tightly rolled pillar of grass that needs a fire
lit underneath it. If that happened I bet we
would all get along a lot better.”
It has become clear in recent weeks
Dealer? I’ve never heard of [anything that
could come even near] it.” - Professor Nigel
Sydney, Chemistry Department.
“This Shady Dealer thing is [the best
thing I’ve ever read it makes everything else
look like] utter crap.” - Dean John Boyer.
And our favorite from just last week:
“The Chicago [Shady Dealer]… should be
recognized [for]… transcendent… genius.” Mayor Richard M. Daley.
We decided to take the mayor’s advice
and therefore embezzled some Red Cross
Hurricane Relief funding and bought ourselves a gold plaque recognizing our transcendent genius.
N e w s
Floppy Boehner Struggles Against Blunt Whip
that the majority of Congress shares Wiseman’s sentiments. Poll after poll has shown
Blunt clearly in the lead and many are
now asking themselves, “how many beatings
with a Blunt GOP whip can this Boehner
take?”
In an effort to boost his campaign,
Boehner began making numerous cross
country trips to speak and raise money.
Unfortunately, the trips may have done more
to annoy potential supporters than to woo
them. As one spectator put it, “Boehner
came everywhere and is now left with a
pretty sticky situation.” Furthermore,
Boehner has changed his mind regarding his
previous stance on stem-cell research – a
move that many believe makes Boehner
look wishy-washy.
Rep. Steve Buyer, R-Indiana, was chair
of the committee to which Boehner first
made clear his change of heart regarding
stem-cell research. In a televised press conference, Buyer issued this complaint about
Boehner’s reckless behavior: “Rep. Boehner
came into our meeting with a proposal that
contradicted his previous statements on
stem-cell research. Also, he hadn’t even
taken the time to clean up his appearance!
He had BBQ sauce on his tie, and his shirt
was sloppily tucked and wrinkled. I quickly
berated him. America’s cultural climate is far
too fragile for messy political flip-floppers
right now. The other committee members
may have refrained from pointing out his
inconsistencies, but I, thank God, had the
courage to speak up. I don’t know about the
rest of this country’s legislators, but when a
sloppy, floppy Boehner comes my way, I
don’t keep my mouth shut!”
Blunt’s lead was strengthened yesterday when he got the nod from former House
majority leader and current shame-of-thenation Tom DeLay. DeLay remarked that,
“when it comes to raising America to new
heights, Ohio’s Boehner is too short. What
we really need to get us higher is a Blunt. A
great big, crazy-ass mad Blunt.”
T r a v e s t y
Sexual Desirability Indicated
by Popped Collar
By El Bozo
Dan “DP” Polawaski indicated his sexual desirability and willingness to mate via
the upturned collar on his pink Lacoste polo
shirt last Friday at Alpha Delt. The collar,
when raised up an extra two inches, transcends its normal appearance and suggests
that the wearer possesses youthful virility,
healthy good looks, and the willingness to do
it all night if the opportunity came.
“Unlike the animal world, humans usually conceal their sexual willingness with a
wink and a smile. Yet this human male is
wearing brighter plumage than any other
male at the party,” commented zoologist
David Papadakis “His appearance is a blatant invitation for later coitus, or at least for
genital rubbing through clothing on the
dance floor. The only thing that would be
worrisome in the wild to a male of his caliber
is the presence of so many other young men
displaying their desirability via similar or in
some cases, exactly identical clothing” At
least 6 other males at the party were also
wearing polo shirts with upturned collars, all
competing for the 20 or so attractive girls
persuaded or duped into going to the party.
Freudian psychologist Abigail Ellington has a
different theory on Polawaski’s overt sexual
agenda. “The raising of his collar is a highly
symbolic act. By extending it to reach his
ears, he is making it an extension of his penis, and showing the ‘fine honeys’ that he is
ready and willing for action. The patriarchal
overtones of a polo shirt also call out to girls
as a father figure, thus piquing their Electra
complexes, and ensuring that he won’t sleep
alone tonight. More interesting is the color of
his shirt. The garish shade of pink cries that
he’s a responsible, mature adult who’s comfortable with his sexuality, which belies the
fact that every third word out of his mouth is
‘faggot’. Every detail of his clothing is care-
C o m i c a l l y
T h e
The collar says “yes”, but the hat says “No, dear God, no!”
PROMISCUOUS, from preceding
with her sweater inside out and pretended
not to notice me. Ted looked his usual self
although his hair seemed more messed up
than usual. (Guess you did not get in here
because of your own achievement. Did you
really think anyone cared that you started an
Anime club?) Seeing Ted did not need any
help I excused myself and returned to studying how we used to have a great football
team…a hundred years ago.
But what really convinced me was when
I was riding my bicycle past your parents’
house and saw the newspaper boy, pants
around his ankles, climbing down the oak
tree from your mom’s bedroom window and
your mom waving and saying something
about him being a lot more articulate than
the Maroon.
I’m sorry if you’re disillusioned, if you
have lost your faith in all you hold dear. I
just thought you should know that your mom
is easy.
H i l a r i o u s
E p i c V o l k l o r e :
S u g a r m a n S a g a
I I
3
By Pat Lange
Profligate (adj.) - Given over to dissipation;
dissolute. Recklessly wasteful; wildly extravagant, willing to fund The Chicago Shady
Dealer. See Student Government.
O p i n i o n s
The Shady Dealer Asks:
With the general increase of crime in the
local area, it is important to consider how the
University can work to increase security for
the student body, which is why the Shady
Dealer asked, “What would you do to decrease the problem of local crime?”
UC Democrats:
“On a recent episode of The West Wing, they
made crime illegal. And everyone obeyed.”
College Objectivists:
“What should we do? We don’t have to do
anything you tell us to do! It is because you
don’t use your own motor power of your so
called “mind” to save yourself, that you come
to us to ask for a solution. So typical of you
looters and second-handers.”
The Maroon:
“I shall write a witty yet thought provoking
editorial, that makes use of every book I read
in Hume, to be able to show why we need an
Arist ota lian /Homer ic /Pl aton ic/Sh ak espearean/Kantian approach to deal with the
problem.”
Tae Kwon Do Club Instructor:
“Prudence and balance are necessary; we
can not allow ourselves to react rashly.”
Tae Kwon Do Student:
“Bring it on!”
Investment Banking Group:
“My money! My money! Don’t touch my precious money!”
Mahjong Society:
“Since joining the society and reading our
bible, The Joy Luck Club, I have come to
terms with the numerous racial, age, and
identity issues which cause people to feel
disconnected from their past, and yet at the
same time, capable of realizing the importance of making peace with it. This of course
means I have absolutely no opinion on how to
deal with this local issue which could potentially harm me.”
Student Government:
“Wrong people to come to, I’m afraid.”
fully selected to ensure that he comes
across at attractive, imposing, and sexually
irresistible. Especially the thick, braindeadening musk of his Tommy Hilfiger cologne.”
When asked for comment about his
sartorial choices, Polawaski chose to remain
vague. “I fuckin’ love this song. You know
man, I love you, I really do, we should hang
out more, you know man? Hey do you think
that Cindy is hot, cuz I Wooooo!”
Woooooo indeed.
F u n n i e s
I t S e e m e d t o M a k e
S e n s e a t t h e T i m e . . .
S c i e n c e
The Chicago Shady Dealer is:
The TA-ven
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I squinted, clicked and queried
At many a quaint and curious forgotten Facebook profile wall,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a crashing,
As of someone fiercely smashing, bashing into my dorm room wall.
“ ’Tis some sophomore,” I muttered, “crashing through the Shoreland’s halls;
Only this, and nothing more.”
Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
“Doubtless,” said I, “what he utters is his only stock and store
Because of the many drinks he’s mastered, for (unmerciful disaster!)
They followed fast and followed faster, till his vision a double burden bore,—
Till his dry tongue and drier lips only that one sad word could form—
That word ‘Never—nevermore.’”
Ah, distinctly I remember, it was in the bleak December,
And each of my final papers lay incomplete on my dorm room floor.
Anxiously I feared the morrow; vainly I had sought to borrow
From Facebook surcease of sorrow (for calculus is quite a bore),
And find the profile of that one girl from my SoSc class named Lenore,
Who had dropped the class forevermore.
But my TA still beguiling all my tired face into smiling,
Straight I dragged a cushy bean bag chair in front of man, whiteboard, and door;
Then, into bean bag sinking, I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this drunk man wandering my floor—
What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt and drunk man wandering my floor
Meant in croaking “Nevermore.”
And the bothersome uncertain banging of my radiator
Thrilled me—filled me with a vast annoyance never felt before;
So that now, to still its beating, I kicked it while repeating,
“ ’Tis some sophomore entreating entrance at my dorm room door,
Some drunk sophomore about to vomit on my dorm room floor.
This it is, and nothing more.”
Thus I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To my TA, whose unfocused eyes now burned into a stain on the floor;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
On the bean bag’s plastic lining, basking in the glow of my PC’s monitor
As on that screen was shining a Facebook profile not Lenore’s,
Whom I shall meet again, ah, nevermore!
Presently my foot grew sore, and, exasperated all the more,
“Sir,” said I, “or madam, my forgiveness you should implore;
For the fact is, I was napping, and so loudly came you crashing,
And so forceful came you smashing, bashing at my dorm room door,
That you thoughtlessly did wake me.” Here I opened wide the door;—
My whiteboard there, and nothing more.
Then, methought, the air grew denser, stunk up by an unseen censer
Swung by my TA, whose dinner I thought would soon be sprinkled across the floor.
“Wretch,” I cried, “my professor sure hath sent thee—through your babble he hath
Tried to prevent me—to prevent me from Facebooking the profile of Lenore!
To make me quaff, O quaff of vile math, and in my studies forget the lost Lenore!”
Quoth my TA, “Nevermore!”
Down the hallway peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing
That some prank was being played on me, as had happened once before.
But the silence gave no token (no doubt the radiator was broken),
And the only word there spoken was my whispered word,
“Lenore!”, as I wondered about her profile and decided to return
To Internet Explorer.
“TA!” said I, “thing of evil!—TA still, if man or devil!
Whether professor sent, or whether thy stupor hath tossed thee here, the ShoreLand, to taunt, coerce, and haunt me until I finally start to study
On this night before my final—tell me truly, I implore:
Is there—is there even any profile to be had?—tell me—tell me I implore!”
Quoth my TA, “Nevermore!”
Back into my dorm room turning, my radiator no longer burning,
Soon again I heard a crashing, even louder than before,
“Surely,” said I, “surely, that is something at my dorm room door.
Let me hobble, then, across the room and this mystery explore.
Let my broken foot be soothed a moment as these sophomores I deplore.
Or ’tis some janitor, perhaps, and nothing more.”
“TA!” said I, “thing of evil—TA still, if man or devil!
By that department that bends above us—by that Diane Hermann we both adore—
Tell this soul with sorrow laden, if, during some distant quarter,
It shall meet again that Marxist maiden from my SoSc class named Lenore—
Sit with her, perhaps in Civ class, sit next to her once more, that one girl named
Lenore?”
Quoth my TA, “Nevermore!”
Open again I flung my dorm room door, and, with many a trip and sputter,
In stepped my calc TA, whom I’d never really spoken to before.
Not the least obeisance made he, nor an explanation gave me;
But with the mien of a drunken lady, he leaned against my dorm room door,
Beneath the outline of a phallus drawn on the whiteboard on my door,
There he leaned, and stared, and nothing more.
“Be that word our sign of parting, calc TA!” I shrieked, upstarting—
“Get thee back into the elevator and on Route D, Route A, the ShoreLand! Leave no vomit as a token of that lie thou drunkenly hast spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken!—stop sitting beneath the phallus on my door!
Take thy stench from out my room, thy half-naked form right out my door!”
Quoth my TA, “Nevermore!”
Then this wasted man beguiled my weary face into a smile
By his slightly nauseous decorum, and by how little the poor man wore.
“Though thy chest be shorn and shaven thou,” I said, “art sure no craven,
Ghastly, drunken TA who wanders nightly through the stark halls of the ShoreLand. Remind me what thy name is, for I rarely go to class—it’s such a bore.”
Quoth my TA, “Nevermore.”
And my TA, ever on the verge of vomiting, still is sitting, still is sitting
Beneath the outline of a phallus drawn on the whiteboard on my door;
And as he sleeps he has all the seeming of a drunk man who’s dreaming.
And the light from Facebook o’er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And I fear my TA’s shadow, from where it lies floating on the floor,
Shall be lifted—nevermore!
Much I marvelled that this drunken man could answer me so plainly,
Though his answer little meaning, little relevancy bore;
For you cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing her wasted TA at her dorm room door,
Standing right beneath the phallus drawn on the whiteboard on her door,
And repeating such a word as “Nevermore.”
W e e k
i n
“Pulse” Feature Now Tracks Sexual
Orientation; Afraid to Talk to Girls,
Unaware of Genitalia Make UChicago Top Ten
By Sarah Pickman
In late 2005, Mark Zuckerberg and his creative
team introduced another Facebook feature designed to
waste subscribers’ valuable time and distract them from
their MySpace accounts. “Pulse,” the new baby sibling to
tattle-tale sister “My Photos” and nosey brother “Friend Details,” tracks the most popular books, movies, bands, TV
shows, clubs, and interests at individual schools and on
Facebook as a whole. But the Facebook team was looking to
rank even more personal information. “We figured, we’re
already tracking what people like to watch and read, what
clubs they’re in, and where they’re from, so why not their
sexual preferences?” an anonymous scruffy college networking demi-god told the Shady Dealer. “In today’s society, people identify themselves sexually in so many ways, so the
time-wasting possibilities for this were endless.”
Since “Pulse” went live almost two months ago,
“Afraid to Talk to Girls” has held steady in first place on the
University of Chicago’s sexual preference rank. Currently, it
is followed by “Unaware of Genitalia” and “I’m Really a
Straight Girl But I Can’t Get Any From Guys So I Pretend to
Be Bisexual to Increase My Chances of Getting Laid,” which
jumped four spots over the past two weeks. Other popular
orientations in the top ten include “I’m Above Petty Matters
N o t
a s
C l a s s i c s
But my TA, standing lonely beneath that flaccid phallus, spoke only
That one word, and I feared his stomach in that one word he would outpour.
But nothing further then he uttered; not a shiver then he shuddered;
Till I scarcely more than muttered, “Other drunks have stayed the night before;
On the morrow he will leave me, though I hope he’ll leave before.”
Then the man said, “Nevermore.”
By Dana Snitzky
T h i s
o f
F a c e b o o k
H e a l t h
University Discovers New
State of Matter
Zachary Binney…… Editor-In-Chief, Generalissimo
James Snyder…….. Managing Editor, General Lunatic
Patrick Lange………Layout Editor, Chief Procrastinator
Rob Quirk…………… Copy Editor, Wonders How He Got Himself into This Mess
Emily King………….. Copy Editor, Not Willing to Get Naked
Megan Wells………. Copy Editor, Photo Privateer (Stricken with Scurvy)
Mame Maloney……Webmaster in Progress
Harry Nangle………. Chief Photo-monkey
Frances Yao Tong.. Coffee Editor, Non-Caucasian Asian
Adam Friedlan…… Bureau of Canadian Affairs, Mongol Warlord
Bill Volk………...…… Drawer of Mustaches, Teller of Tales
Ted Anderson…….. Bearer of Legitimacy
B a s t a r d i z a t i o n
&
By Harry Nangle
In addition to Solid, Liquid, and Gas, plus the less
commonly included states of Plasma, and Bose-Einstein Condensate, University scientists announced Monday that they
had discovered a new, exciting state of matter in experiments conducted at Searle laboratories where researchers—
working under a grant given by the Chicago Center for Materials Science—impacted thirteen dense particles of reconstituted lipid solids (congealed bacon fat) against one another,
and fired high-frequency gamma radiation with a wave function inverse to the fat’s internal reverberations, which, using
the energy released by the photoelectric effect, powered a
high-friction treadmill operated by a Baluchistan Gerbil
named Boogey, who, after nine minutes and thirty-seven
seconds of running at a speed of 2.2 meters per minute,
generated enough lactic acid to activate a chemical cell installed in his bloodstream, which, as the animal grew increasingly fatigued, increased power outputs and activated a
chain reaction as he ran to collect the bacon fat as per his
previous conditioning: to eat fatty solids as a primary food
source, which, although not a part of the Baluchistan Gerbil’s
native diet, researchers deemed necessary to restore crucial
body-mass deposits worked off by Boogey’s constant exercise and exposure to otherwise toxic, albeit highly focused
energy, aimed nineteen centimeters from his treadmill enclosure, which, researchers say, fully conforms with all ethical
standards for animal research, as the bacon fat is enriched
with necessary Iodine deposits to prevent him from absorbing a dose of gamma radiation that might endanger his heath
or mental stability, which could have a potentially damaging
effect on his ability to perform the necessary conditions of
the experiment to generate the chemical compounds the
researchers were studying at the time the new state of matter was discovered when Boogey, contrary to his behavioral
conditioning, leapt from his treadmill enclosure into the path
of the gamma beam, which reportedly was set to emit such
high energy that the poor, misguided hamster’s left foot was
amputated by the deadly beam; however, when the scientists
examined the charred remains of their crucial research subject, they analyzed the smoke wafting off his left foot and
found it contained high concentrations of ionized Francium,
an element previously unknown in living organisms, but is
highly reactive with iodine and other elements known to be
present in Boogey’s vitamin supplements, which the University feeds all its animal test subjects, and found that the
smoke flowed slower than its chemical composition predicted it would, leaving scientists puzzled as to whether to
classify it as a fluid, solid, or gas, finally concluding it must be
a previously undiscovered state of matter, existing exclusively when a Baluchistan Gerbil that has ingested high quantities of bacon fat and Iodine supplements is exercised to a
point of near exhaustion, then exposed to high frequency
gamma rays across its left foot on a Monday in January. Boogey is expected to make a full recovery.
8 Great Things About Having Cancer
By Amy Plager, a Stage III Ovarian Cancer Patient
8.) Chemo leaves no need to worry about dieting for weight
control for the foreseeable future!
7.) Decreased worries about ending up in the old-age home.
6.) I can get out of the house a lot more quickly in the mornings when you don’t have to shampoo and blowdry!
5.) Chemo cures acne!
4.) Direct ticket to every prayer list. Ever.
3.) I saved money on haircuts after starting chemotherapy.
2.) With proper timing of surgery, a primo excuse not to fast
on Yom Kippur!
1.) Great excuse not to get that dental crown; it’s life expectancy is longer than mine!
of the Flesh. Now, If You’ll Excuse Me, I Have Some Heidegger to Read,” “Does Getting Groped at Phi Delt Count?” and
“Putting Human Sexuality into Categories is What Unenlightened People at State Schools Do.” According to noted Facebook analyst Sarah Pickman, “‘Pulse’ watchers can expect
to see newcomer ‘My Boyfriend/Girlfriend and I Have Been
Dating for Over a Year and We Haven’t Gotten Past Second
Base Yet,’ currently at number ten, to jump at least two
places over the next month.”
Of course, the primary purpose of “Pulse” is to
compare trends from school to school and to Facebook overall. Check out the most popular sexual preferences listed at
these other schools!
University of Miami: “Wooo! I Love Tits!”
West Point: “Straight As a Fucking Cruise Missile!”
Harvard: “I’ll Figure Out What My Sexual Preference Is, As
Soon As I Can Get This Spoon Out of My Mouth”
Brandeis University: “You Call This Sex? Vay Iz Mir!”
Mt. Holyoke: “I Can’t Express My Complex Sexuality Through
the Stifling Medium of Facebook. Instead, I Will Perform an
Interpretive Dance”
University of California, Berkley: “It’s So Hard to Think About
Sex When You Have the Munchies”/ “None of My Sexual
Partners Have Ever Shaved Any Part of Their Bodies” (tie)
University of Michigan: “FOOTBALL!!!”
Freedom Eagle Bible Institute: “My Teachers Have All Told
Me That Sex Feels So Much Better When It’s a Part of a With Pulse, Facebook provides stunning new insights into prevailing social trends
and collective neuroses, and into just how stupid college students can be.
Committed, Heterosexual, Christian Marriage. Also, I Don’t
Know What a Penis Is.”
W e l l - P a i d
a s
Y o u
M i g h t
E x p e c t
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