Inland Empire Review

Only the Lonely
Doing Valentine’s Day solo
By Bill Gerdes
Lonely Tour Stop Three: Dive Bar.
Now that you’ve got your new tat—and I hope
it was something way old-school and depressing, like MOM or an anchor—it’s time to rustle
up a classic dive bar. Not a joint filled with attractive members of the opposite sex. Instead,
you want a dark place with character, and if
they’ll serve you a shrimp cocktail, all the better. Art’s Bar and Grill in Riverside is a nice
place to have dinner, but it’s also a dark little
dive, too, a great place to sip a scotch and soda
as you ponder why you’re so terribly alone on
this romantic night. Also try the Y-Not Tavern
in Perris, Babe’s Sports Pub in Norco, and the
Club El Paraiso—far from paradise, perfect for
your lonely night.
Art’s Bar and Grill, 3357 University Ave., Riverside, (951) 683-9520; Y-Not Tavern, 41 South D
St., Perris, (951) 657-4033; Babe’s Sport Pub, 1180
6th St., Norco, (951) 736-6608; Club El Paraiso,
401 Iowa Ave., Riverside, (951) 784-2615. (By Bill
Gerdes)
Valentine’s Day can be amazing if you’re
a young couple in love, a married couple celebrating and spending time with the kids, or an
older couple looking back on their lives together. There’s a cornucopia of romantic pleasures
to indulge in—candlelight dinners, nighttime
walks on the beach, even random sex in a balloon (for that skinny, flip to page 11).
Unless, of course, you’re alone. Terrifyingly,
desperately, chillingly alone—waiting-for-thephone-to-ring alone, why-won’t-she-return-mye-mail alone, no-visitors-to-my-MySpace alone.
That’s when Valentine’s Day blows. But
there are a few tactics that can make the holiday go down much more smoothly. First, you
have to realize that you’re not alone in the
grander scheme of things—everyone has been
alone on Valentine’s Day at least once. Next,
you’ll have to get off the couch, put down the
half-empty bottle of gin, and pull yourself together. You can still do stuff on February 14,
so why not embrace your misery and have the
kind of holiday Charles Bukowski or Henry
Miller might have written about? Your trip
down Lonely Avenue may not be much fun, but
it should at least be memorable.
Lonely Tour Stop Four: Porn Shop.
Lonely Tour Stop One: Bowling.
SEXY DVD
On your Lonely Tour, bowling probably isn’t
the most depraved pit stop, but it just may be
the saddest. What could be more pathetic on
Valentine’s Night than bowling alone? Maybe
eating at a nice restaurant by yourself with a
suit or an evening gown on, hoping to hook up
with any stray, unattached member of some
dining party. Still, bowling is up there. Even if
you bring a wingman, you’ll be looked down
upon by anyone within 500 yards of your lane.
For extra fun, scream the name of an ex every
time you get a strike, then gently weep into
your pint of Bud.
Arlington Lanes, 7100 Arlington Ave., Riverside,
(951) 688-2695; Brunswick Recreation Center, 1800
Hamner Ave., Norco, (951) 734-8410.
Lonely Tour Stop Two: Tattoo Parlor.
Okay, so you went bowling—now it’s time to
head over to your local tattoo parlor and get
some ink to celebrate what’s clearly going to
be one of the worst nights of your life. We recommend Six Feet Under in Upland, which features great artists like Corey Miller and Henry
Powell, as well as a shop hand named Chip
who bears an uncanny likeness to the Gimp
from Pulp Fiction. Also worth checking out is
Heartbreak Tattoo, not just for the name and
the work they do, but also the location—Riverside’s University Avenue is perhaps the least
romantic street in the IE, and thus, for tonight,
absolutely perfect.
Six Feet Under Tattoo Parlor, 116 N. 2nd Ave.,
Upland, (909) 949-0157, www.sixfeetunder.com;
Heartbreak Tattoo, 2259 University Ave., Riverside, (951) 785-8288.
You’re drunk. It’s late. You’re tired. You should
go home, but there’s one stop left on your
tour of sadness and despair—the porn shop,
of course, and if you’re lucky, you’ll find one
that’s open all night. Walk around. Soak in the
atmosphere. Try not to be frightened of the giant latex fist on the wall. Next year, if you actually have a Valentine’s date, you’ll look back on
this night and say, “What the hell was I thinking?”
Le Sex Shop, 3945 Market St., Riverside, (951)
788-5194.
THE MAXWELL MULTIPLE CLIMAX!
Just in time for Valentine’s Day, Brandon
Maxwell has the gift that keeps on giving.
Literally. And like posh lingerie or a big
screen TV, his DVD on the male multiple
orgasm will delight both giver and receiver.
The secret is to keep the roller coaster ride
going longer that the first big buildup and
drop. By pulling back right at the brink—
along with some tactical clenching—the
thrills can keep on to the break-a-break of
dawn, a bonus this average-Joe-turned-goofball-guru underlines by frolicking with a
garden hose and four nymphs in bikinis.
Maxwell is a square-jawed caricature of
virility (think Bruce Campbell in khakis),
with the cocky smirk of a Viagra or Rogaine
commercial. And as God’s gift to men and
women, he punches up his saucy schoolbook
lesson with frenetic splices of cartoons with
johnsons as long as Dodger Dogs, fire extinguishers, showering women (soft-core) and
chicks decimating watermelons with machine guns (hard-core, if you’re Gallagher).
My boyfriend was cock-blocking his future
physical fulfillment (he’s a vegan, so produce gets him randy), but Maxwell advises
that his technique takes a month to master
anyway. Which means this hot-blooded howto won’t do much for your Valentine’s, but
by Easter, you’ll have eternal resurrection.
(Amy Nicholson)
Available at www.climaxwell.com
FEBRUARY 8 - FEBRUARY 14, 2007
EMPIRE
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Volume 1, Issue 44 • February 8 - February 14, 2007 • www.IEWEEKLY.com • Every Thursday
operation phoenix still stinks • rialto to punks: go away • los lobos
george’s drive in • stumbling towards paradise