hash aug24

Hash 1955
otherwise known as the
because after several long midsummer trails, this was declared to follow the principles of
Hashers Against Long Trails, or H.A.L.T, for short. It was commendably short and even
more commendably, there was indeed both a halt of the best kind – a beer stop, in aircon
– and there was even a petting zoo for the onback. You think weʼre kidding? Look!
HASHMEISTER: Teaboy
HASH BEER FACILITATOR*:
Teaboy
* The most important job on the hash!
HAREs: Wet Connection and
temporarily Just Sara
COMMENTS ON THE RUN: “Too
long!” “Too short!” “Bloody useless!”
“There was a beer stop, so thatʼs
good!” “Elusive arrows!” “Not enough
arrows!” “Not enough
puppies!” (what, eight isnʼt enough?)
“The first circle jerk run!”
VERDICT: This is flat 310, so marks
out of 310. “One circle jerk!” From
there we somehow got to a final
score of “two tenths out of three
tenths”. Extra points for anyone who
can tell us how much this actually
ends up being...
NEW RUNNERS: We had two, but it turns out we lost one. Crap! Was he at the beer stop?
Just Katie was brought by Just Katie, clearly demonstrating that there is a glitch in the
matrix and weʼre all about to be visited by Agent Smith. Sheʼs from Arizona, which is
indeed in Murica – F*CK YEAH! – and is here teaching. Sheʼs been here two years, thinks
she has one year left (ha! thatʼs what Oozee said in 1875) and since puppies arenʼt
farmyard animals, nominated the cow as her favourite farmyard animal.
Just X – our missing new runner – had a stand-in in the form of Chicken Legs, who
announced that he was from “la belle France, et Maroc” and that his favourite farm animal
is none other than Le Coq.
CELEBRATIONS: Currently Just Saraʼs cabinet was bedecked in birthday cards, so itʼs
got to be her birthday, right? “My birthday was months ago, but the cards just arrived.” And
how could we overlook the Riders discovering they were not in fact unemployed after all
as they returned this week expecting to clear out their flat and sell everything? The main
celebration of this was that we didnʼt have to find someone to fill in as hash softies and
that we can keep using their exemplary balcony for, er, book club meetings...
RETURNERS: Itʼs that time of year – dozens of the bastids! Glory Hole has been in
Boston, while Big Bang has been in... er, Boston, which led temporarily abandoned
husband Yas to raise his eyebrows a little. Finger Lickin Good has been in Georgia (state
not country), the Riders have been in Canadia, T1Dub has been in Dubai, Windy Queef
has been “recuperating”, Just Katie (inviter, not invitee) has been in Alabama and
Shorth@ndjob has been in the Heart of Darkness (obligatory Joseph Conrad reference
for any journey to the DRC, formerly Belgian Congo).
LEAVERS: Seriously, people are leaving now after being here all summer? Wet
Connection is going to New York, which is near Murica – F*CK YEAH! – and sheʼs also
going to the UK – J*LLY GOOD! And the Queefs are going to Trieste.
HASH SOCIAL: The Jebel Shams camping trip is Friday Aug 28. The run will start at
3.30pm at Jebel Shams Heights Resort. Bring wood! Hide your haram beverages as you
cross the border! Bring everything you need! Contact us if you need/offer space in a car!
The Riders are setting the trail for our annual mud run on Friday September 18. More
details to emerge in time.
On October 15-17, thereʼs the Gulf Interhash. Details below. Being a hash, the website
is, inevitably, not working. Contact Currently Just Sara if you want to send money with
the hash fund transfer or share accommodation on Thursday and Fri nights.
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RELIGIOUS ADVISOR: T1Dub officiated, immediately citing Oozee and Chicken Legs
for displaying road safety skillz usually displayed by lemmings, running across the road in
defiance of the traffic. Park & Queef was cited for being supercompetitive, taking another
hasherʼs carefully awaiting parking space.
T1Dub cited himself for being pushed out of the lift en route to the beer stop, despite
having barely half of the 15-person weight limit. Harsh call! Those responsible know who
they are (because my notes didnʼt record who it was who evicted our RA) Rough Ridden
was cited for using his cellphone in the circle.
Continued fun was made of the extramarital Bostoning of Glory Hole and Big Bang, as
well as for Glory Hole and Yasʼs adventures in the basement trying to find flat #310 with
the softies. Big Bang in turn was cited for admitting that his missus didnʼt come often.
Comments from the peanut gallery suggested that this is not something he can declare
decisively, and especially not from Boston.
Wet Connection and Oozee were cited, for the latter using the stairs in the formerʼs
building after the beer stop and finding the ground floor door was locked. Good thing is
wasnʼt a fire door, eh? Wait, what? Meanwhile, is Just Katie (who, as you remember,
brought Just Katie) wearing brand new shoes? The baying mob thinks so, so that can
only mean one thing...
...and good sport that she is, she did!
HASH NAMING: Currently Just Sara is in
need of a name. Youʼd have thought this
was a no-brainer, since her last name is
Smiley, sheʼs done running (“real running –
seven marathons”) and sheʼs a certified
crazy puppy lady whoʼs fostering nine dogs
(Judy and eight puppies). This, combined
with hash wit (in trace quantities) produced the
following:
Octopuppy
Really Easy (after she introduced
herself and said “My name will be really
easy”)
Tell Me About the B!tch
Smiley B!tch
Knocked Up B!tch
Too Easy
Really Race-ist B!tch
B!tch Be Trippin’
Too Easy Knocked Up
Bitch
from this emerged the clear winner.
Arise,
Too Easy
(this was her flat – the proper anointing will have to wait until the next hash)
CHARGES FROM THE FLOOR:
Shorth@ndjob is just back from
the do-not-travel part of the
Democratic Republic of Congo.
How did he stay safe? By any
chance did it involve being
accompanied at all times by a
Congolese pigmy* woman armed
with a Kalashnikov assault rifle,
with six spare magazines in her
chest harness**?
(*not really, but she was really short
** not a metaphor. or maybe was she
just pleased to see me?)
And did Wet Connection deny
hashers the chance of serious
quad burn by taking them to her
12th storey flat via the lift rather
than the stairs? (Based on what
we now know about the fire stairs
in her building, maybe the lifts
were actually safer?)
NEXT WEEKʼS RUN: Oirish Mother Fecker will hare this, starting off from the car park at
Saadiyat Beach Club. I think itʼs signposted but if not, follow the signs to the Park Hyatt.
Real-world supermarket labels