Critic`s job can be sweet and sour

NEWS 27
Critic’s
job can
be sweet
and sour
Natascha Mirosch
FOOD EDITOR
HOW TO BE A RESTAURANT REVIEWER
1. Be invisible
together or if there are too many or
too few ingredients. Is the garnish
relevant and edible? Is it over or undercooked?’’
Loel says she’ll often order sides too.
“You can tell an awful lot about a
restaurant by what sides they have, how
much imagination they put into them.’’
With many restaurants now having
photos of restaurant critics and
sophisticated booking systems that can
cross reference, it can be a challenge to
stay ahead of the game.
Critics often use a selection of names
and telephone numbers so they don’t
alert the restaurant to their booking.
They also do their best to blend in.
A glass of wine or two is standard, too,
to observe how staff serve it and how it’s
been kept.
“I’ll wear my hair differently all the time,’’
food critic Lizzie Loel says. “I also avoid
wearing bright colours that will draw
attention.’’
2. Observe
“The first thing I look at is the decor
and the X factor-non-tangibles such as
music, the vibe, how long did it take to
be met and greeted, whether tables were
pre-allocated or at given at random,’’
Loel says. “Are people sitting in silence
or rowdy? Are they waving their hands
in the air trying to get wait staff’s
attention?’’ Forget pen and paper, critics
have to work at sharpening their sensory
4. Make a smooth exit
memories, storing tastes, textures and
look of a dish, supplemented by discreet
notes on something like an i-Pod.
3. Taste
The standard minimum number of dishes
a critic will try is two entrees, two mains
and at least one dessert. “I’m looking
at freshness, the quality of ingredients,
the temperature and the composition of
the dish whether the flavours work well
Loel says she never asks for a menu
when leaving. “It puts them on to the
scent. Most places have them online now
anyway.’’
Settling the bill is the most risky time.
“Plenty of times I’ve realised they know
when everyone starts to gather around
my credit card,’’ Daily Telegraph critic
Simon Thomsen says.
“You get a mixed reaction of fear
and shock with a fair bit of forehead
slapping,’’ Loel laughs. “Then the
questions start.’’
THEY risk health problems and
abuse and work unsociable
hours, yet their jobs are among
the most coveted in the world.
Shows like MasterChef have
put the spotlight on food critics,
and suddenly it seems the
whole world wants to be one.
You’ll need the stomach for it
though – and a gym membership to avoid piling on the
kilograms.
Simon Thomsen, food critic
at Sydney’s Daily Telegraph,
says at times in his career he’s
eaten out up to six nights a
week in addition to a couple
of lunches.
‘‘There have been times I’ve
been in one small town and
eaten dinner at 6.30 then driven
to another for an 8.30 dinner.
‘‘You don’t always feel like
eating out. I might come back
from a big weekend away,
craving Vegemite toast but
have to go out and have a
three-course meal.
‘‘It’s a bit like sex, everyone
loves the idea but they don’t
want to do it all day, every day.’’
Obesity and the risk of diabetes are the hazards of the job.
The Courier-Mail’s restaurant
reviewer, Lizzie Loel, says she
has regular cholesterol checks
and spends a ‘‘very hard’’ week
every year in a health spa.
‘‘As a critic you’re obliged to
eat far more food and to drink
more often than a regular
person. You can feel sluggish
and not sleep well at night.
There’s also the threat of diabetes,’’ she said.
There’s also the very real
threat of harm from disgruntled
chefs and restaurateurs.
‘It’s a bit like sex,
everyone loves the idea
but they don’t want to
do it all day, every day’
‘‘I’ve had bricks through my
window. One restaurateur got
hold of my home number and
called me every night at 3 for a
couple of months,’’ Loel said. ‘If
I’m not sleeping, neither are
you,’ he’d scream.
‘‘My children have been
abused at school by children
whose parents owned a restaurant I reviewed.
‘‘They’ve also had to answer
the phone to obscenities about
their mother.’’
Thomsen has had his own
run-ins with chefs.
‘‘There have been times that
we’ve differed in our opinion of
their brilliance. One came up to
me at an awards ceremony and
told me I was crap and a joke
and walked out. The same chef
later sent me back a certificate
he was awarded.’’
While chefs might view
potential reviews with trepidation, Thomsen believes a bad
review can actually have positive effects.
‘‘Sometimes people will
actually go to see if it’s as bad as
I say. A tough review can rally
the supporters of the restaurant
as well as forcing chefs to look
at what they are doing.’’
Loel agrees that while their
words can be powerful, a critic’s
view will never make or break
a restaurant. ‘‘A bad review
can’t close a restaurant, but it
can hasten a bad one’s demise.’’
Why we are so fussy about
beef» P33
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August 7-8, 2010 The Courier-Mail 27