Relationship Traffic - The Hollywood Homeless Youth Partnership

Transcription

Relationship Traffic
Young Adult Version
An Intimate Partner Abuse
Prevention Curriculum for
Runaway and Homeless Youth
Hollywood Homeless Yout h Par tnersh ip
Introduction to Relationship Traffic
Data indicates that adolescents are more likely to experience intimate partner abuse than
adults. Homeless youth are known to be particularly likely to have been victimized and to be
victimizers. In a survey of homeless youth in Los Angeles, over one-third of youth reported
intimate partner abuse. However, existing curricula on dating violence are largely designed to be
delivered in schools and do not address the special context of homeless youth In addition,
almost all of the curricula focused on males as the only perpetrators. Our own data and
experience demonstrates that there is a lot of two-way partner violence and abuse that occurs on
the street and we were concerned about alienating our target audience if we had a “maleblaming” approach. Further, most curricula were not sensitive to the needs of gay and lesbian
youth. A substantial number of youth on the street are gay or lesbian and any curriculum needs
to be inclusive. Finally, many of the curricula were designed for youth with good literacy skills.
Unfortunately, many street youth do not have good reading skills and need interactive, multisensory teaching strategies.
Relationship Traffic was created as an intimate partner abuse prevention curriculum
specifically for runaway and homeless youth. We did not create it from scratch: we adapted
some of the topics and activities from existing curriculum that are referenced at the end; we pilot
tested each session and integrated feedback from the co-facilitators and youth; and, after over
two years of implementing the curriculum, we gathered more feedback from the co-facilitators
and incorporated their comments and suggestions. Later, took our curriculum and made
adaptations for a younger audience (the minor version) and an older audience (the young adult
version) to reflect the developmental differences between these two groups. Thus, this
curriculum is the fruit of over two years of research, exploration and experience in the area of
intimate partner abuse and runaway and homeless youth.
How to use this curriculum
This curriculum was designed as a guideline for group facilitators; agencies should feel
free to adapt it to the needs of specific populations of homeless youth and the size and dynamics
of individual groups. This curriculum has been implemented in drop-in centers and shelters,
with minor youth and older youth, and with youth new to the street and with chronically
homeless youth. It has been implemented with youth who have personal experience with
intimate partner abuse and with youth that have no personal experience with IPA. Not
surprisingly, we have found that some activities work better with older homeless youth or
younger homeless youth; on Wednesdays better than Thursdays; and in the winter but not in the
spring. We hope that the facilitators will use their own experiences in the field and adapt what
they find to be useful. In order to meet the needs of runaway and homeless youth, each session
was designed to stand-alone and should make sense to a youth that had never attended the group
before. In the drop-in centers, membership in the groups has been open and new participants
entered freely during the series.
There are now two versions of Relationship Traffic, one designed for minors (youth ages
17 and under) and the other for young adults (youth ages 18 and above). While we recognize
that many programs serve these groups of youth together, we did notice significant differences in
the way these groups responded to the material and tried to make modifications in the curriculum
to reflect these differences. In general, the older youth were much more interested in sustaining
discussions around the specific topic areas. They were more likely to have personal experiences
with relationship abuse and more opinions to offer. The youth ages 17 and under were generally
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less able to engage in unstructured discussions and needed more activities in each session.
Depending on the setting, some of these youth had limited personal relationship experiences and
were thinking about these issues for the first time.
Youth Engagement: As experienced group facilitators know, youth are more likely to
engage enthusiastically in a program when they are given the chance to share their ideas. During
the development of this curriculum, we have not only asked for youth to share their thoughts and
feelings about each topic, but we have regularly asked for their feedback on specific activities
and the terminology that we used. Their investment in this curriculum grew as they saw the
group facilitators listen and incorporate their suggestions. If at all possible, we hope that group
facilitators retain this openness to hearing what worked and didn’t work about each session.
Another way to engage youth in the group is to give choices whenever possible. These
choices may include the type of snack that is provided during the group, the type of incentives
that are passed out at the end of the group, the opportunity to add or modify ground rules, and the
ability to pass if they don’t want to contribute to the group discussion.
Icebreakers: Initially, we included time for an icebreaker activity at the beginning of
each session. Ultimately, these were rarely used. While it is probably wise for group facilitators
to always come to a session prepared for a simple icebreaker (two truths and a lie was a favorite),
youth were usually anxious to focus in quickly on the subject and found the icebreakers an
unwelcome diversion. We did find groups of minor youth or youth with less personal experience
with intimate partner abuse to appreciate the icebreakers more. Ideas for icebreakers are still
listed at the back of the curriculum.
Group Rules: We have suggested some basic ground rules in the curriculum. These
may need to be adapted to the rules of a particular agency or to fit the group's need for safety.
Repeat Participants: After implementing the curriculum in at multiple sites for over 2
years, we have found many youth attending sessions multiple times. In order to reward these
youth for their continued participation, we recommend that facilitators find ways to give youth
responsibility for standard parts of the curriculum. For example, youth can read the definition of
intimate partner abuse, help the facilitator write down ground rules, or run the tape recorder or
VCR. While these seem like insignificant tasks, we have found that these youth crave the
opportunity to be recognized and praised. If the facilitator knows that specific youth have
participated in the same exercise before, we recommend that the facilitator ask them if anything
has changed since they did the exercise before.
Unique Group Issues for Runaway and Homeless Youth: Runaway and Homeless
youth present unique challenges for group work. Depending on the group environment, group
facilitators will need to recognize that some youth stay up all night in order to be safe on the
streets. These youth may look tired, uninterested, or may even fall asleep during the group.
While they certainly won’t get the full benefit of participating in the group, it may be more
important to provide a safe, non-judgmental environment than to make them feel bad about being
tired.
When to Ask a Youth to Leave: Although facilitators may tolerate some behavior that
they would not tolerate in other settings, there are certainly conditions when it is most
appropriate to ask a youth to leave the group. When deciding to whether or not to ask a youth to
leave the group keep the following questions in mind: 1) Is this youth’s behavior making any
group members feel unsafe? 2) Is this youth repeatedly violating the group and/or agency rules?
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3)Is this youth’s behavior so distracting that it is preventing the group from obtaining it’s goals?
A yes answer to one or any of these questions would be an appropriate condition to ask the youth
to leave the group.
Youth Looking for Individual Attention: In any group, there are often individuals that
try to morph the group session into an individual therapy meeting. While individual sharing can
deepen the group conversation, there is a point where a young person’s sharing and desire for
individual feedback can interfere with the group process. Group facilitators need to be prepared
to redirect a youth and offer to talk to them individually after the meeting to regarding their
personal issues. If the group has two facilitators, it is often useful for one of the facilitators to
take the youth out of the room for a short time to ensure that the young person feels heard and
then to return to the group after they understand that these issues weren’t appropriate for the
group environment.
Child abuse reporting: In group discussions about partner violence and abuse, it is not
uncommon for youth to disclose potentially reportable events or intentions. For this reason, the
limits of confidentiality are reviewed at the beginning of each session. Certainly, group
facilitators need to be well versed regarding the laws in their state and, depending on the nature
of the disclosure, the facilitator can gather the information needed to assess the situation
immediately after the group or can take a break from the group and ask for help from someone
else within the agency. Some individuals are hesitant to run groups that may elicit these types of
disclosure. However inconvenient to the group process and to the workday, disclosure of abuse
is an important part of learning and healing.
Modeling Respectful Communication: We have found that Relationship Traffic groups
have provided an important opportunity to model respectful communication and for youth to
practice this skill with their peers. Many runaway and homeless youth have little experience on
how to disagree with someone without using their fists. By enforcing the group rules, reminding
youth that it is OK to disagree, and acknowledging and affirming different opinions, the group
facilitator can create an environment that helps youth learn how to communicate more
effectively with their peers.
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Acknowledgements
This curriculum, Relationship Traffic, is the result of work done over 4 years by the Hollywood
Homeless Youth Partnership under the auspices of two grants, with the Division of Adolescent
Medicine at Childrens Hospital Los Angeles as the lead agency. The core agencies that
participated in developing this curriculum included Angel’s Flight, Break the Cycle, Childrens
Hospital Los Angeles, Covenant House California, the Los Angeles Free Clinic, the LA Gay and
Lesbian Center, Los Angeles Youth Network, My Friend’s Place, and Peace Over Violence.
Additional agencies included Teen Canteen and The Way In. We are indebted to the dedication
of these agencies and the hard work of their staff for the creation of the curriculum. We are also
deeply appreciative of the input we received from hundreds of homeless youth who have
participated in this curriculum.
A special thanks to the following individuals who made a significant contribution to this effort:
Golnaz Agahi, Childrens Hospital Los Angeles
Brandy Davis, Break the Cycle
Daniel Ballin, Covenant House California
Diana Barragan, Angel’s Flight
Brandi Beck, Consultant
Heather Carmichael, My Friend’s Place
Erin Casey, My Friend’s Place
Lisa de Gyarfas, Childrens Hospital Los Angeles
Mona Desai, Childrens Hospital Los Angeles
Dylan Gailey, LA Gay and Lesbian Center
Jack Gonzales, Los Angeles Youth Network
Cathy Friedman, Peace Over Violence
Paul Gore, Los Angeles Free Clinic
Susan Rabinovitz, Childrens Hospital Los Angeles
Arlene Schneir, Childrens Hospital Los Angeles
Rudy Trujillo, Angel’s Flight
Curren Warf, Childrens Hospital Los Angeles
And to the following individuals for their support in facilitating groups, providing feedback, and
participating in this effort.
Barbara Estrada, Teen Canteen
Shannon Flannery, The Way In
Gary Glickman, LA Gay and Lesbian Center
Kelly Hicks, Covenant House California
Javis Huggins, My Friend’s Place
Joe Icamen, Teen Canteen
Ellen Iverson, Childrens Hospital Los Angeles
Jim McGaffey, Los Angeles Youth Network
Lisa Phillips, LA Gay and Lesbian Center
Lon Usher, Covenant House California
Erin Wilson, Childrens Hospital Los Angeles
This manual was produced with funding from the SAMHSA Community Collaborations to
Prevent Youth Violence and Promote Youth Development #1H79-SM553-17-01 and the
Administration on Children Youth and Families, Grant Agreement #90EV033801
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Table of Contents
Introduction to Relationship Traffic
Acknowledgements
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iv
Session 1: Relationships
Developing Ground Rules
Defining Healthy and Unhealthy Relationships
Summary and Evaluation
Session 1: Handouts
o Intimate Partner Definition
o Evaluation Form (Optional)
1
2
3
4
Session 2: Personal Boundaries
Healthy and Unhealthy Relationships- Part II
Personal Boundaries
Personal Space Exercise
Boundaries for Healthy Relationships
Setting Limits
Session 2: Handouts
o Boundaries Diagram
o Limit Setting Activity
o Evaluation (Optional)
7
8
9
9
10
11
13
14
Session 3: Cultural Influences
Where Does Violent Behavior Come From?
Session 3: Handouts
19
20
21
22
Session 4: Cultural Influences- Music
Focus on the Music
Session 4: Handouts
24
25
26
27
Session 5: Cycle of Violence
Life and IPA on the Streets
Cycle of Violence
Relationship Violence Check List
29
30
31
33
34
34
5
6
15
16
18
23
28
Session 5: Handouts
o Risk for Intimate Partner Abuse
o Cycle of Violence Diagram
o Red Flag Behaviors
36
38
39
40
Session 6: Stopping the Violence
Dear Abby
Session 6: Handouts
o Dear Abby Letters
41
42
43
44
Session 7: See It and Stop It
See It and Stop It
Safety Planning/Avoiding Danger
Restraining Orders
Session 7: Handouts
o Safety Planning for Youth
o Safety Worksheet
48
49
50
51
52
53
45
47
54
55
56
Handouts
Intimate Partner Abuse Definition
Evaluation: Session 1
Boundaries Diagram
Limit Setting Activity
Risk for Intimate Partner Abuse
Cycle of Violence Diagram
Red Flag Behaviors
Dear Abby Letters
Safety Planning for Youth
Safety Worksheet
57
58
59
60
62
63
64
65
67
68
69
70
72
73
74
75
Icebreaker Exercises
National Resources
Sources
76
78
79
Relationship Traffic – Young Adults
Session 1
Objectives:
1. Describe the purpose of this group and the number of sessions
in the series
2. Identify 3 key qualities of a healthy relationship and 3 key
qualities of an unhealthy relationship.
3. To learn how to listen and discuss important issues with their
peers
Activities
1. Introduction
2. Ground Rules
3. Defining Healthy & Unhealthy
Relationships
4. Summary
5. Evaluation (optional)
Supplies
• Flip Chart and Markers
• Poster/Flip chart with IPA definition
and facts
Introduction: 10 minutes
Overview
Each session, co-facilitators outline the purpose of the program and review
the 4 points below.
Please note that reviewing the definition and facts of Intimate Partner Abuse
(IPA) is an important learning opportunity. Ask youth for examples of
different types of abuse mentioned. Engage youth in critical thinking about
the definition and facts. If they have other ideas or disagree with the
definition, that is OK.
Repeat Participants
Content-Introduction
If you have youth who have attended this session before, please invite them to
help you review the definition and facts of IPA.
1. This is session one of a 7 session series on intimate partner abuse. The
purpose of this program is to prevent intimate partner abuse. Lots of teens
and young adults experience intimate partner abuse and youth on the
streets may even be more vulnerable to being involved in IPA.
2. The term Intimate Partner Abuse may be new to you. The definition is up
on this flip chart: “Abuse that is committed by a current or past partner,
usually with the intent to maintain power and control over the partner.
This abuse includes actual or threatened physical and/or sexual assault,
1
emotional abuse, mental abuse (mind-tripping), verbal abuse, and/or
financial abuse.
Many of you may be more familiar with the term domestic violence. We
have used the IPA instead of DV for several reasons including:
• Women are usually seen as the victims in DV. With IPA, males
and females may be the victims.
• DV is usually used to describe violence among people that are
married or living together. With IPA, partners may be living
together or living separately.
3. While we hope that you attend all of the sessions, you are free to attend
any of them that you want.
4. This is not counseling or group therapy: this is an educational program.
We value your input about what works or doesn’t work about this
program so we can make it better.
Developing Ground Rules: 10 minutes
Overview
Ground rules, limits of confidentiality, and some anticipatory guidance are
reviewed at the beginning of each session. Add any additional and reasonable
ground rules that emerge from the group onto the poster with a dry erase
marker. If the host agency has its own ground rules, ask youth to connect the
group rules to the ground rules of the agency.
Content-Key Ground
Rules
Although this is an educational group, some people may choose to share
personal things. We want to establish group rules to make it a safe place for
people to talk and share their ideas and to ensure that everyone is treated with
respect. Here are some ground rules that we like. Does anyone have any that
they would like to add to the list? Does anyone have any that they would like
to change?
• Respect others
• One person speaks at a time
• Personal information does not leave the room
• Everyone has the right to their own opinion
• No put-downs, judgments
Content- Limits of
Confidentiality
Although we have agreed to keep information that is shared in this group
confidential, there are legal limits of confidentiality that we want you to be
aware of. If you share something that leads me to believe that
1) You are a threat to yourself or others
2) You have knowledge of or have been involved in physical or sexual
2
abuse, or neglect of a child, dependent adult or senior, we will need to take
further action and share this information with others. In addition, there is a
co-facilitator (say name) from this agency in the group. If you want or need
more information after this group is over, he or she can help you.
Content-Anticipatory
Guidance
Before we begin, we wanted to prepare you for the possibility that
participating in these sessions may cause you to reflect on things that you
have experienced or seen in your past or that you are experiencing right now.
These thoughts, feelings, and memories may be painful or uncomfortable. If
you want someone to talk about these feelings, we can help you figure out the
best person to talk to. Please come talk to us after the session is over.
Activity I: Defining Healthy Relationships: 40 min
(Adapted from Wolfe)
Overview
This is a brainstorming activity so make sure that you write everything down
(even if you disagree). If the group wants to remove something, cross it out.
The goal is not to create a list that everyone agrees with. Facilitators may
need to put an asterisk or parentheses around qualities where there was a lot
of debate. Invite participants to ask each other questions about what they said
and to respectfully challenge them if you disagree. This is an opportunity for
youth to really listen to each other and be heard without being aggressive or
abusive. This is also a chance for the facilitator to carefully enforce the
ground rules and to create an experience where youth learn to express their
opinions appropriately.
If the discussion about healthy relationships is rich, don’t feel like you need to
interrupt it to talk about unhealthy relationships. You can delay this part of
the activity until Session 2, if needed.
Content- Healthy and
Unhealthy
Relationships
What do you deserve in a relationship? Please give me some ideas and I will
put them on a flip chart.
What won’t you stand for in a relationship? Is this the opposite of the list we
just made or is it somehow different?
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Note to Facilitator
If they do not come up with the ideas contained in the following list, suggest
one or more of these qualities and ask for their opinions:
• Trust
• Sharing of thoughts, ideas, feelings
• Respect for each other
• Encouraging and supporting each other
• Each person feels loved and valued
• Each person feels safe to express disagreement and negative feelings
including anger, disappointment, frustration, etc
• Each person feels safe when the other person expresses disagreement and
negative feelings.
Repeat Participants
If you have youth who attend the group regularly, ask them to help you write
the ideas on the flipchart.
If possible, transfer the list of healthy and unhealthy relationships to a sheet of
paper or index card (laminated if possible) for distribution and discussion at
the second session. .
Preparation for
Session 2
Summary: 5 Minutes
Overview
Recap what was discussed in today’s session and announce the date and time
of the next session. Make sure to praise youth for following the ground rules,
for participating, and for their conduct in the group (if appropriate).
Evaluation: 5 Minutes
Overview
If you plan to ask for feedback using the tool attached or another tool, there
are several things that the facilitator can do to make this activity more
productive and useful. First, let the participants know that you really do read
and think about the feedback that they give. If you can, give examples of
changes you have made in the past based on feedback you received (either for
this group or another example). Second, give youth the option to complete
the form as a group and read the questions out loud. This will allow youth
with limited literacy skills to participate without having to call attention to
their lack of skills. In the future, if you do incorporate feedback into the
content or process of the group, let youth know that they made a difference.
These changes can be small (e.g. the snack you offered, the time of the day of
the group) or big (e.g., new discussion questions, changing activities).
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INTIMATE PARTNER ABUSE
Definition
Facts
Abuse that is committed by a
current or past partner, usually
with the intent to maintain
power and control over the
partner.
• Intimate partner abuse is
something that we learn
• Intimate partner abuse can
occur in both heterosexual
(straight) and same-sex (gay
or lesbian) relationships
• Intimate partner abuse is not
caused by stress
• Anyone is capable of violence
or abuse in an intimate
partner relationship
Examples
This abuse includes actual or
threatened physical and/or
sexual assault, emotional
abuse, mental abuse (mindtripping), verbal abuse, and or
financial abuse.
5
Evaluation Session 1
Today’s Date: _____________
Today’s Group was.....
(circle one)
Great
Good
OK
Poor
Fill in the blanks for each question.
1. Name 3 qualities of a healthy relationship.
1. _______________________
2. _______________________
3. _______________________
2. Name 3 qualities of an unhealthy relationship.
1. _______________________
2. _______________________
3. _______________________
Please circle T if the statement is True or F if the statement is False.
3. Intimate partner abuse is caused by stress.
T
F
4. Females can be perpetrators of intimate partner abuse.
T
F
Please circle the answer to each statement
5. I plan to attend more sessions of this group.
Yes
No
Don’t Know
6. I would tell other youth to come to this group.
Yes
No
Don’t Know
7. How many IPA Group sessions have you attended? (circle the correct number below)
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
7+
9. One thing that could make this session better is
10. My favorite part of today’s session was
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Objectives:
1. Review list of “what they deserve/don’t deserve in a
relationship” from previous session
2. Define intimate partner violence and the types of behaviors that
are included in IPA.
3. Identify how boundaries can be used to protect themselves
4. Identify how they make decisions about their personal
boundaries
Activities
Supplies
1.
2.
3.
4.
Introduction
Ground Rules
Follow Up from Session 1
Personal Boundaries
• Personal Space
• Boundaries
• Setting Limits
5. Summary
• Poster/Flip chart with IPA definition and
facts
• String/ribbon for measuring personal
space
• Boundary hand out
• Limit Setting hand out
• Pencils or pens
Overview
Each session, co-facilitators outline the purpose of the program and review the
4 points below.
Please note that reviewing the definition and facts about IPA is an important
learning opportunity. Ask youth for examples of different types of abuse
mentioned. Engage youth in critical thinking about the definition and facts. If
they have other ideas or disagree with the definition, that is OK.
Repeat Participants
If you have youth who have attended this session before, please invite them to
help you review the definition of IPA.
Content
1. This is session two of a 7 session series on intimate partner abuse. The
purpose of this program is to prevent intimate partner abuse. Lots of teens
and young adults experience intimate partner abuse and youth on the
streets may even be more vulnerable to being involved in IPA.
2. The term Intimate Partner Abuse may be new to you. The definition is up
on this flip chart: “Abuse that is committed by a current or past partner,
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usually with the intent to maintain power and control over the partner.
This abuse includes actual or threatened physical and/or sexual assault,
emotional abuse, mental abuse (mind-tripping), verbal abuse, and/or
financial abuse.
Many of you may be more familiar with the term domestic violence. We
have used the IPA instead of DV for several reasons including:
• Women are usually seen as the victims in DV. With IPA, males
and females may be the victims.
• DV is usually used to describe violence among people that are
married or living together. With IPA, partners may be living
together or living separately.
3. While we hope that you attend all of the sessions, you are free to attend
any of them that you want.
4. This is not counseling or group therapy: this is an educational program.
We value your input about what works or doesn’t work about this
program so we can make it better.
Overview
Ground rules, limits of confidentiality, and anticipatory guidance are reviewed
at the beginning of each session. Add any additional and reasonable ground
rules that emerge from the group onto the poster with a dry erase marker
Key Ground Rules
Although this is an educational group, some people may choose to share
personal things. We want to establish group rules to make it a safe place for
people to talk and share their ideas and to ensure that everyone is treated with
respect. Here are some ground rules that we like. Does anyone have any that
they would like to add to the list? Does anyone have any that they would like
to change?
• Respect others
Limits of Confidentiality
Although we have agreed to keep information that is shared in this group,
there are legal limits of confidentiality that we want you to be aware of. If
you share something that leads us to believe that
1. You are a threat to yourself or others
2. You have knowledge of or have been involved in physical or sexual abuse,
or neglect of a child, dependent adult or senior, we will need to take
further action and share this information with others. In addition, there is
a co-facilitator (say name) from this agency in the group. If you want or
need more information after this group is over, he or she can help you.
8
Anticipatory Guidance
participating in these sessions may cause you to reflect on things that you have
experienced or seen in your past or that you are experiencing right now.
These thoughts, feelings, and memories may be painful or uncomfortable. If
you want someone to talk about these feelings, we can help you figure out the
best person to talk to. Please come talk to us after the session is over.
Activity 1: Healthy and Unhealthy Relationships – Part II
Facilitator’s Instructions
If the group for session 2 includes many of the same individuals from session
1 and if the facilitator was able to write up the list of characteristics of healthy
and unhealthy relationships or saved the original flip charts, it is often
reinforcing to briefly look at these lists and ask youth if they had thought
about these issues and if there were any additions/modifications that they
would make. If the group is entirely new, the facilitator can still read the list
out loud and ask the group what they would add or change. If you did not get
to the unhealthy relationship list at the last session, consider doing that now.
Content
Looking at the qualities of healthy and unhealthy relationships, did anyone
have any ideas that they wanted to add or changes that they would make?
Personal Boundaries: 35 Minutes
(Adapted from McGee)
Overview
This activity provides youth with some basic information about personal
boundaries and three exercises to help youth identify their boundaries and to
explore what happens when someone crosses these boundaries.
• Introduction
• Personal Space Exercise
• Boundary Exercise
• Setting Limits Exercise
Additional instructions are provided for each exercise.
Content- Personal
Boundaries
“What is the purpose of a fence?” (Keep things in, keep things out, tells you
where your property begins and ends, safety, protection, privacy, etc.) A
fence is an example of a boundary. I used the example of a fence to get you to
think about your personal boundaries – why you have them and what purpose
they serve in order to help you. During the rest of this session, we are going
to focus on learning about boundaries, examining our own boundaries, and
learning how boundaries help us establish healthy relationships.
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Everyone has some sort of boundaries (or personal bubble). Even though we
can’t really see them, our boundaries are there to protect us and keep us safe
from emotional or physical harm. We first learn about boundaries from our
parents or other adults. We often learn about them without even knowing it.
Tell me about a memory of an adult telling you what to do or not do with
strangers. Why do you think these adults told you that? Can you think of
any other types of boundaries that you were taught by adults in your life?
Boundaries work in two ways:
1. They allow things and people in (give examples)
2. They also keep things and people out (give examples)
Some people’s boundaries are too closed and some are too open (give
examples). Appropriate boundaries help us have good and healthy
relationships. Paying attention to boundaries can help us not get hurt or used
by others and to not hurt or use others.
Personal Space Exercise
Introduction to Exercise
When we talk about boundaries, we usually mean emotional boundaries but
we have boundaries for our personal space too. Who knows what personal
space is? (wait for response). What happens when someone invades your
personal space? (wait for response)
Facilitator Instructions
Have the group break into teams of two and give each team a piece of colored
ribbon or string that is approximately 6’ long. Tell them that they are going to
conduct their own experiment on personal space to find out how close they
can get together while talking and still feel comfortable? This activity works
best if the facilitators demonstrate it first. Invite the youth to find a new
partner and explore how their personal space needs may change based on
whether or not they know the person, the gender of the person, or other
factors. Discuss.
Invite youth to keep their string with them (in their back pack, in their pocket)
so that they can check in to see how they are feeling.
Repeat Participants
If you have participants you have attended this session before, ask one of them
to demonstrate this activity with a co-facilitator.
You can also ask repeat participants whether or not the length of their ribbon
or string has changed since the first time they did it. If yes, ask them why.
This is a time that some youth talk about changes that they have made in their
personal boundaries and changes in their personal relationships.
Content-Personal Space
Exercise
Since everyone’s personal space requirements are different, you may want to
take turns. Start talking and slowly move toward your partner until they say
stop. Use the string to measure how much space you need. Now it is your
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partner’s turn. Compare this with how much space your partner needs.
Pass out Boundary Diagram and pencils or pens and describe as below.
Repeat Participants
If you have repeat participants, ask them to help you pass out the diagrams.
These circles represent all of the different kind of relationships and boundaries
we have in our life, from strangers at the outermost circle to the most intimate
of relationships in the inner circle. Put yourself in the center of all of the
circles. The people in the circles closest to the center (you) represent the
people that you trust, love, and care about the most. Only certain people
should be this close to you, both physically and emotionally. Your emotional
boundaries protect you and help you keep an abusive person from getting too
close.
If the wrong sort of person does get too close, your boundaries can warn you
of possible harm or danger. How do your boundaries warn you? (wait for
response)
Usually you will feel uncomfortable, scared, nervous, or uncertain. You may
also regret sharing personal information with someone. You should trust these
feelings. They are trying to warn you and protect you. Your friends or your
family may also try to warn you.
Now I would like you to create a list of the people in your lives on the back of
the diagram—this can include people you know well or people that you see
every day, like at the bus stop, at the drop in center, etc. Take the circle and
write the names or initials of these people in the part of the circle where you
think they belong. This will help you figure out where the people in your life
fit into your boundaries.
Discussion Questions
Now I want to ask you some questions and have you look at your circle.
Surviving on the street may have changed the way you look at your
boundaries. Everyone wants to belong, wants to be loved, and needs to feel
safe. How has being on the street (or in a shelter) changed your boundaries?
Do you let more people in or keep more people out? (Allow time for
discussion)
Can anyone think of someone that they let in too close and then regretted?
(ask for raised hands). I think everyone has had that experience. What are the
feelings that you experience warning you that your boundaries have been
11
violated? (allow time for discussion)
What are the things that you should keep in mind for having good boundaries?
How do you know when to let people close to you? (Brainstorm and
supplement with some of the ideas on the list below).
How long have you known this person? How long do you need to know
someone before you let him or her get close to you?
Knowledge about this person – are they trustworthy? How do they handle
disagreements with you? How does he or she express anger? How does this
person treat their other friends or lovers?
Shared interests and activities- do you enjoy doing things together?
Amount of self disclosure- Have you shared personal information with this
person? Have they shared personal information too? Are you comfortable
sharing with this person? Do they keep private information private?
Trust- Can you trust this person? How do you know? Can they trust you?
Are you being taken advantage of? Why is this person a friend? Are they
trying to get something from you (money, food, sex, etc.)? Are you trying to
get something from them?
What kind of rules do you use to figure out who to let in and who to keep out?
Think about the boundaries that you have now and who you have let into your
closest inner circle. Is there anyone that is close to you that you wish wasn’t?
1. Which of the rules about boundaries do you think that you should think
about more? (Ask for responses from the group.) How does violating
another person’s boundaries hurt that person? Discuss (Breaking
someone’s boundary shows disrespect and can harm him or her
emotionally and physically)
2. How does violating someone else’s boundaries affect you? Discuss
(May make me less sensitive and caring toward others. Makes it difficult
to learn good boundaries for myself. Also may make me feel guilty and
ashamed)
3. If someone is constantly violating your boundaries, what could you do?
(Talk to a trusted adult, tell them)
Repeat Participants
(NOTE: Some youth have put friends or family in their own personal circle at
the center. Invite them to share how that is possible and what that means,
what it feels like to have someone so close. Encourage other youth to ask
questions. Do not tell them this is wrong or impossible.)
If youth have completed this exercise in the past, ask them to think about
whether they have made any changes to their diagram. Have they moved
anyone closer or anyone farther away?
12
Setting Limits: 25 minutes
This activity asks youth to identify people who have crossed their own
personal boundaries and to write out limits. It also asks them to think about
how they have crossed the boundaries of other people in their lives and to
make a personal commitment to change their behavior. Allow youth 5-7
minutes to complete each side of the sheets and provide time for those who
wish to share their contracts with the group. Make sure you have plenty of
copies of the sheets and let youth take as many as they need.
If youth find the wording complicated, let them know that they can rewrite the
entire sentence.
Repeat Participants
If someone decides to share the limits they want to set, ask the group if anyone
can help them follow through with their plan.
Repeat participants can pass out pens and sheets.
Content- Limit Setting
The next activity is about setting limits. We’d like you to take a moment to
think about people in your life who may have crossed your boundaries in the
past. Now is the time for you to think about the limits you would like to set.
We have sheets of paper for you to write these limits. You do not have to
share this information. Please take a moment to complete these sheets for
yourself. If it helps, you can consider them a contract. Also, you may make
as many contracts as you wish. This can be with the same person or with
others in your life.
Now is the time for us to take responsibility for our own actions and set a
similar contract with ourselves regarding how we treat others in our lives. Just
as before, you may keep these contracts to yourself and we’ll respect your
privacy and sanctuary or you may share them with the group. Please take a
moment to complete as many ‘self’ contracts as you need.
Frequently, youth say that they will kill someone if someone crosses the
boundary. Acknowledge the fantasy to end abusive relationships or behavior
forever. Invite them to think about another strategy – other choices they have
to respond. Usually, if we can acknowledge the fantasy and the feeling behind
it (to end abusive behavior) most youth will identify other choices and/or
acknowledge that this is not a real plan.
Summary
5 Minutes
Recap what was discussed in today’s session and announce the date and time
of the next session.
13
If you plan to ask for feedback using the tool attached or another tool, there
are several things that the facilitator can do to make this activity more
productive and useful. First, let the participants know that you really do read
and think about the feedback that they give. If you can, give examples of
changes you have made in the past based on feedback you received (either for
this group or another example). Second, give youth the option to complete the
form as a group and read the questions out loud. This will allow youth with
limited literacy skills to participate without having to call attention to their
lack of skills. In the future, if you do incorporate feedback into the content or
process of the group, let youth know that they made a difference. These
changes can be small (e.g. the snack you offered, the time of the day of the
group) or big (e.g. new discussion questions, changing activities).
14
Date_______
15
Limit Setting Activity Handout
If ______________ does ________________________ then he/she has gone
too far and I will __________________________.
too far and I will __________________________.
too far and I will __________________________.
too far and I will__________________________.
too far and I will__________________________.
too far and I will __________________________.
too far and I will __________________________.
too far and I will __________________________.
too far and I will__________________________.
If I ________________________ to _______________ then I have gone
16
too far and I will __________________________.
too far and I will__________________________.
too far and I will __________________________.
too far and I will __________________________.
too far and I will __________________________.
too far and I will __________________________.
too far and I will __________________________.
too far and I will __________________________.
too far and I will __________________________.
17
Today’s Date: ___________
(circle one)
Great
Good
OK
Poor
Please circle what your answer is to each of the questions below.
1. Circle all of the behaviors that you think can be considered intimate partner abuse if a girlfriend or boyfriend
did them to their partner or ex-partner (you can circle as many as you want to).
a.
b.
c.
d.
e.
Hitting their partner
Threatening to kill their partner
Stalking their partner (following them all the time)
Making their partner feel worthless and like no one would want to be with them
Controlling who their partner talks to or hangs out with.
2. My boundaries change depending on who I am with.
True
False
Yes
No
Don’t Know
Yes
No
Don’t Know
5. How many IPA Group sessions have you attended? (circle the correct number below):
1
2
3
4
5
5+
7. My favorite part of this session was
18
Objectives:
1. Identify 3 factors that can place homeless and
runaway youth at higher risk for IPA
2. Identify the role the stories and media plays in
perpetuating gender stereotypes and partner
violence
Activities
Supplies
1. Introduction
2. Ground Rules
3. Where does Violent Behavior
Come From?
4. Summary
• Poster/Flip chart with IPA definition
• Pictures from fairy tales, cartoons,
music albums, magazines
advertisements, and soap operas
presenting male and female roles
Overview
Each session, co-facilitators outline the purpose of the program
and review the 4 points below.
Please note that reviewing the definition and facts of IPA is an
important learning opportunity. Ask youth for examples of
different types of abuse mentioned. Engage youth in critical
thinking about the definition and facts. If they have other ideas
or disagree with the definition or facts, that is OK.
Repeat Participants
If you have youth who have attended this session before, please
invite them to help you review the definition and facts of IPA.
Facilitators Instructions
Repeat Participants
invite them to help you review the definition of IPA.
1. This is session three of a 7 session series on intimate partner
abuse. The purpose of this program is to prevent intimate
partner abuse. Lots of teens and young adults experience
intimate partner abuse and youth on the streets may even be
more vulnerable to being involved in IPA.
2. The term Intimate Partner Abuse may be new to you. The
definition is up on this flip chart: “Abuse that is committed
Content
19
by a current or past partner, usually with the intent to
maintain power and control over the partner. This abuse
includes actual or threatened physical and/or sexual assault,
emotional abuse, mental abuse (mind-tripping), verbal abuse,
and/or financial abuse.
Many of you may be more familiar with the term domestic
violence. We have used the IPA instead of DV for several
reasons including:
• Women are usually seen as the victims in DV. With
IPA, males and females may be the victims.
• DV is usually used to describe violence among
people that are married or living together. With IPA,
partners may be living together or living separately.
3. While we hope that you attend all of the sessions, you are
free to attend any of them that you want.
4. This is not counseling or group therapy: this is an
educational program. We value your input about what
works or doesn’t work about this program so we can
make it better.
Ground rules, limits of confidentiality, and some anticipatory
guidance are reviewed at the beginning of each session. Add
any additional and reasonable ground rules that emerge from the
group onto the poster with a dry erase marker. If the host
agency has its own ground rules, ask youth to connect the group
rules to the ground rules of the agency.
Key Ground Rules
Although this is an educational group, some people may choose
to share personal things. We want to establish group rules to
make it a safe place for people to talk and share their ideas and
to ensure that everyone is treated with respect. Here are some
ground rules that we like. Does anyone have any that they
would like to add to the list? Does anyone have any that they
would like to change?
• Respect others
Limits of Confidentiality
Although we have agreed to keep information that is shared in
this group, there are legal limits of confidentiality that we want
20
you to be aware of. If you share something that leads us to
believe that
2) You have knowledge of or have been involved in
physical or sexual abuse, or neglect of a child, dependent
adult or senior,
we will need to take further action and share this information
with others. In addition, there is a co-facilitator (say name) from
this agency in the group. If you want or need more information
after this group is over, he or she can help you.
Anticipatory Guidance
Before we begin, we wanted to prepare you for the possibility
that participating in these sessions may cause you to reflect on
things that you have experienced or seen in your past or that you
are experiencing right now. These thoughts, feelings, and
memories may be painful or uncomfortable. If you want
someone to talk about these feelings, we can help you figure out
the best person to talk to. Please come talk to us after the
session is over.
Activity I: Where does Violent Behavior come from?
35 minutes
Overview
This activity asks youth to think about how we learn about
families, violence, etc. For the most part, young adults are eager
to talk about this subject and the session is rich with their ideas
and experiences. However, if you know that the group is not
talkative, you may want to consider preparing other activities.
Facilitator’s
Instructions
Lay out pictures from fairy tales, cartoons, music albums,
magazines advertisements, and soap operas. Be sure to include
multicultural materials (Latina, Ebony, etc). If youth don’t know
about fairy tales, ask them about favorite Disney movies. Invite
one youth to give a synopsis of the movie or fairy tale. Feel free
to ask youth to share stories from their ethnic/cultural group.
Introduction
We know that people aren’t born violent. Nor are people born
passive. Where do we learn about violence? Where do we learn
how men and women are supposed to behave in relationships?
Where do we learn about love? Brainstorm a list and write on a
flipchart. Sources may include:
•
•
Family (immediate or extended family)
Media (TV, music, cartoons, videos, etc)
21
• Fairy tales and stories
• Friends
A lot can be learned about a culture from the different kinds of
media that we are exposed to and the messages that they send
about love and marriage. Let’s think about the fairy tales,
cartoons, soap operas and music that you listened to or watched.
Discussion
What do these things tell us about families? About mothers and
fathers? About relationships?
What happens to the stars of the stories?
What are the lessons that these stories tell?
What do they say about love and marriage?
What really happens to women who wait to be rescued?
Do you think that people really live happily ever after when they
get married? What happens when you have unrealistic
expectations for marriage?
How do you think these stories affect people of color? Gay,
lesbian, transgender people? Are there any black or brown
princes or princesses?
Summary: 5 minutes
Recap what was discussed in today’s session and announce the
date and time of the next session.
If you plan to ask for feedback using the tool attached or another
tool, there are several things that the facilitator can do to make
this activity more productive and useful. First, let the
participants know that you really do read and think about the
feedback that they give. If you can, give examples of changes
you have made in the past based on feedback you received
(either for this group or another example). Second, give youth
the option to complete the form as a group and read the
questions out loud. This will allow youth with limited literacy
skills to participate without having to call attention to their lack
of skills. In the future, if you do incorporate feedback into the
content or process of the group, let youth know that they made a
difference. These changes can be small (e.g. the snack you
offered, the time of the day of the group) or big (e,g, new
discussion questions, changing activities).
22
Today’s Date Is_________
(circle one)
Great
Good
OK
Poor
Please circle your answer to each of the questions below.
1. Children develop their attitudes about relationships and violence come from (circle all that apply)
a. Parents
b. Cultural background
c. Music
d. Movies
e. None of the above
2. I plan to attend more sessions of this IPA Group.
Yes
No
Don’t Know
3. I would tell other youth to come to this IPA Group.
Yes
No
Don’t Know
1
2
3
4
5
6
23
7
7+
Session 4: Cultural Influences -Music
1. Identify the role that music plays in perpetuating
gender stereotypes and partner violence
Objective:
Activities
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Supplies
Introduction
Ground Rules
Focus on the music
Summary
Evaluation (optional)
• Poster/Flip chart with IPA
definition
• CD or videos of music with
relationship violence (and player
for each)
Overview
important learning opportunity. Ask youth for examples of
thinking about the definition and facts. If they have other
ideas or disagree with the definition or facts that is OK.
Repeat Participants
If you have youth who have attended this session before,
please invite them to help you review the definition of IPA.
Content
5. This is session four of a 7 session series on intimate partner
intimate partner abuse and youth on the streets may even
be more vulnerable to being involved in IPA.
includes actual or threatened physical and/or sexual
assault, emotional abuse, mental abuse (mind-tripping),
verbal abuse, and/or financial abuse.
reasons including:
24
Session 4: Cultural Influences - Music
Women are usually seen as the victims in DV. With
people that are married or living together. With
IPA, partners may be living together or living
separately.
educational program. We value your input about what
works or doesn’t work about this program so we can make
it better.
•
Overview
any additional and reasonable ground rules that emerge from
the group onto the poster with a dry erase marker. If the host
agency has its own ground rules, ask youth to connect the
group rules to the ground rules of the agency.
Content-Key Ground
Rules
Although this is an educational group, some people may
choose to share personal things. We want to establish group
rules to make it a safe place for people to talk and share their
ideas and to ensure that everyone is treated with respect. Here
are some ground rules that we like. Does anyone have any that
they would like to add to the list? Does anyone have any that
they would like to change?
• Respect others
Content -Limits of
Confidentiality
believe that
4) You have knowledge of or have been involved in physical
or sexual abuse, or neglect of a child, dependent adult or
senior, we will need to take further action and share this
information with others. In addition, there is a cofacilitator (say name) from this agency in the group. If you
25
want or need more information after this group is over, he
or she can help you.
Content - Anticipatory
Guidance
things that you have experienced or seen in your past or that
you are experiencing right now. These thoughts, feelings, and
someone to talk about these feelings, we can help you figure
out the best person to talk to. Please come talk to us after the
session is over.
Focus on Music: 50 minutes
Instructions
Have music and written lyrics that portray both healthy and
unhealthy relationships. A list of lyrics are attached and a CD is
included in this packet. However, this music will need to be
updated periodically. After the introduction, pass out the lyrics
and play the music. (Sometimes the written lyrics become a
distraction. If the group is large or depending on your
assessment of the group, you may want to do this exercise
without the written lyrics.) Provide time between each song for
youth to comment about their thoughts and feelings about both
types of music. Expect youth to debate their interpretations.
Allow youth to play their own music if they have it with them
and it is relevant to the discussion. If possible, do not censor
the music even if it has disturbing language. This is a critical
opportunity to give youth a chance to think about how this
language impacts on their feelings and process it in a safe
environment.
Repeat Participants
If you have regular group participants, ask them to help with the
CD or tape player and to be the disc jockey.
What types of media have the biggest impact on what people
believe is normal in relationships? (wait for response) Movies,
TV, Music, the media.
Introduction
Let’s talk about music. What does the music that you listen to
say about relationships, and partner violence (wait for
response)? Can you give me the name of an artist or some
lyrics that give some examples (wait for response- if no
examples, use examples of lyrics at the end of this session? If
you have CDs or clips of music videos that is even better.)
26
Invite youth to share music they may have with them that
relates.
What are the messages in these lyrics?
How do these messages affect you?
What do you like/dislike about this music?
How do you identify with these songs? (Is it the beat, the artist,
the content?)
Why do you think that the artist wrote this song? (May
comment that writing, singing, etc. could be a non-violent way
to work out strong feelings.)
How do you decide if the music is abusive or degrading? Does
that make a difference to you?
Studies show that people that listen to violent music feel more
aggressive. What do you think about that?
Summary: 5 minutes
If you plan to ask for feedback using the tool attached or
another tool, there are several things that the facilitator can do
to make this activity more productive and useful. First, let the
skills to participate without having to call attention to their
lack of skills. In the future, if you do incorporate feedback
into the content or process of the group, let youth know that
they made a difference. These changes can be small (e.g. the
snack you offered, the time of the day of the group) or big (e,g,
new discussion questions, changing activities).
27
Today’s Date: __________
(circle one)
Great
Good
OK
Poor
Circle the “T” if the statement is true. Circle the “F” if the statement is False.
1. I will listen to music lyrics differently now that I participated in this session.
Yes No
Don’t Know
2. I plan to attend more sessions of this IPA group
Yes
No
Don’t Know
3. I would tell other youth to come to this IPA group.
Yes
No
Don’t Know
4. How many IPA Group sessions have you attended? (Circle the correct number below):
1
2
3
4
5
6
6. My favorite part about this session was
28
7
7+
Objectives:
1. Identify the three stages in the Cycle of Violence.
2. Identify a minimum of 3 reasons why people stay in
violent relationships
3. Identify the traits in a partner that they value the
most or
Activities
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
Supplies
Introduction
Ground Rules
Life and IPA on the Streets
The Cycle of Violence
Relationship Violence Check List
Summary
Overview
definition
• Graphic about the Cycle of
Violence
• Risk For Intimate Partner
Abuse (hand out)
• Red Flag Behaviors (hand out)
Each session, co-facilitators outline the purpose of the program and
review the 4 points below.
important learning opportunity. Ask youth for examples of different
types of abuse mentioned. Engage youth in critical thinking about
the definition and facts. If they have other ideas or disagree with the
definition or facts, that is OK.
Repeat Participants
7. This is session five of a 7 session series on intimate partner
abuse. The purpose of this program is to prevent intimate partner
abuse. Lots of teens and young adults experience intimate
partner abuse and youth on the streets may even be more
vulnerable to being involved in IPA.
definition is up on this flip chart: “Abuse that is committed by a
29
current or past partner, usually with the intent to maintain power
and control over the partner. This abuse includes actual or
threatened physical and/or sexual assault, emotional abuse,
mental abuse (mind-tripping), verbal abuse, and/or financial
abuse.
reasons including:
• Women are usually seen as the victims in DV. With IPA,
males and females may be the victims.
• DV is usually used to describe violence among people
that are married or living together. With IPA, partners
may be living together or living separately.
3. While we hope that you attend all of the sessions, you are free to
attend any of them that you want.
4. This is not counseling or group therapy: this is an educational
program. We value your input about what works or doesn’t work
about this program so we can make it better.
guidance are reviewed at the beginning of each session. Add any
additional and reasonable ground rules that emerge from the
group onto the poster with a dry erase marker. If the host agency
has its own ground rules, ask youth to connect the group rules to
the ground rules of the agency.
Content - Key Ground
Rules
make it a safe place for people to talk and share their ideas and to
ensure that everyone is treated with respect. Here are some
ground rules that we like. Does anyone have any that they would
like to add to the list? Does anyone have any that they would
like to change?
• Respect others
Content - Limits of
Confidentiality
30
believe that
2) You have knowledge of or have been involved in physical
or sexual abuse, or neglect of a child, dependent adult or
senior,
Guidance
the best person to talk to. Please come talk to us after the session
is over.
Activity I: Life and IPA on the Streets: 20 minutes
Depending on the number of youth and the dynamics of the
group, youth can do this activity individually, in small groups, or
all together. You may want to give the group a choice. If the
group is done individually, you can use the handouts provided
(Risk Factors for Intimate Partner Abuse)
Some youth have difficulty identifying protective factors so the
facilitator may want to complete this section as a group. Be
prepared to provide the youth with suggestions about protective
factors.
Introduction
Part of learning how to keep yourself safe in relationships and on
the street is to think about what factors puts you at greater risk for
IPA and what factors help protect you from IPA. For example, do
you think that being high puts someone at greater risk or less risk
for hurting someone or being hurt?
Instructions
Working Individually: Past out the worksheet and ask youth to
create four lists as indicated
Small or Large Groups: On a flip chart, make a list of factors that
put young people on the street at greater risk of IPA or protects
31
them from IPA. If the group doesn’t agree, you may put factors in
both spots but we will want you to explain that to the group. You
may ask the groups to report back and share with others.
If youth need help thinking of factors, here are examples.
If you are dependent on a partner for shelter, food, or money
If you have no contact with your family
If you feel good about yourself
If you finished high school
If you feel lonely
If you are under the influence of alcohol
If you have a close friend
If your partner is under the influence of alcohol
If you are using drugs
If your partner is using drugs
If you don’t use drugs or alcohol
If you are part of a gang
If your partner is part of a gang
If you are gay or lesbian
If you are getting counseling
If you are transgender
If your partner is transgender
If you have a good case manager
If you know a safe place to sleep
If you engage in prostitution/survival sex
If your partner engages in prostitution/survival sex
If you didn’t finish high school
If you have a job
If you are living in a shelter
If you are living in a squat
If you saw violence in your own home
If you were abused as a child
If your mom or dad loved you
If you have a hard time talking about feelings
If your partner has a hard time talking about feelings
If you can’t control anger
If you know about resources for IPA
If you have someone that you can trust and talk to
If you are under a lot of stress
If your partner is cheating on you
Discussion Questions:
Which of your lists is longer?
If you were in groups, was their general agreement about what
put youth at greater risk? Where did people agree? Where
were there disagreements?
32
Based on what everyone thought, what would be the best way
for youth on the streets to avoid IPA?
Is that realistic? Why or why not?
If youth stay on the street (for whatever reason) what can they
do to try to minimize their risk?
Activity 2: The Cycle of Violence : 30 minutes
Overview
Referring to the diagram, the facilitator describes the cycle of
violence and the different stages in some detail. Point out that
over a period of time, victims begin to believe that if they only
changed some part of their own behavior, that the violence would
stop. The victim believes that he or she is responsible for the
violence. Unless something changes, the battering usually gets
worse and the honeymoon phase begins to disappear.
Allow enough time to really talk about the cycle of violence and
talk about specific behavior in each phase. This is generally the
first time that youth have heard about the cycle of violence and it
may take a while for them to understand it. The pattern of
violence for youth on the street may or may not match the
traditional cycle of violence. Use some of these questions to help
youth talk about their responses.
Introduction
The Cycle of Violence is a pattern of behavior that keeps victims
and batterers locked in an abusive relationship. It is really
important for teens to understand this cycle in order to prevent or
intervene in an unhealthy, abusive relationship.
Content
Violence in battering relationships follows a fairly predictable
cycle that consists of three phases. The first phase is tension
building. The abusive partner becomes increasingly irritable and
frustrated in this phase. The victim is trying to avoid their partner
or avoid any conflict by being particularly nice and obedient. The
second phase is the actual abuse. The abusive partner’s intent is
generally to teach the victim a lesson but they often lose control
of their rage and cause more injury then they meant to. It is
important for the victim to have safe place to be during this phase.
This is usually the phase (or immediately after this phase) when
someone calls the police, gets a restraining order, goes to a
shelter, etc. Once the incident is over, the victim will often deny
33
that it was “any big deal” and deny the possibility that it could
happen again. The third phase is the honeymoon. The abusive
partner acts particularly kind and loving because they feel bad
about the abuse and the partner is very concerned that the victim
will leave him/her. The victim wants to believe that it will never
happen again. He/she remembers what they love about their
abusive partner. Unless something changes, couples will move
through the cycle more quickly with less time between violent
episodes and the abuse will become more violent. For example
name calling will become slapping; slapping will become
punching, etc.
Many street youth tell us that the cycle of violence is very
different for them without such distinct stages.
1. Does the cycle of violence match your experience or
observation of partner abuse on the street? How is it the same
or different?
2. What behaviors, body language do you think are part of the
cycle of violence?
Activity 3: Relationship Violence Check List: 15 minutes
Pass out the list of Red Flag Behaviors. Depending on the group,
you may want to ask participants to read the behaviors to
themselves and think about whether they are behaviors to be
concerned about or behaviors that they wouldn’t tolerate OR you
can read each red flag behavior out loud and facilitate a group
discussion about the same questions.
Please note that you may need to move this activity to session 6, if
the other activities seem to paperwork heavy.
Summary
34
you have made in the past based on feedback you received (either
for this group or another example). Second, give youth the
option to complete the form as a group and read the questions out
loud. This will allow youth with limited literacy skills to
participate without having to call attention to their lack of skills.
In the future, if you do incorporate feedback into the content or
process of the group, let youth know that they made a difference.
These changes can be small (e.g. the snack you offered, the time
of the day of the group) or big (e.g. new discussion questions,
changing activities).
35
Risk For Intimate Partner Abuse
Factors that may increase my risk for
abusing my partner…
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Factors that may protect me from
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
36
being abused by my partner…
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Factors that may protect me from being
abused by my partner…
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
37
38
Identifying Red Flag Behaviors for
Intimate Partner Abuse
Red Flag Behaviors
I am constantly checking up on my partner and/or my partner does this to me?
My partner insults, humiliates, embarrasses, and calls me names and/or I do this
to my partner.
I control my partner’s plans and friends and/or my partner does this to me.
My partner threatens me in order to get his/her way and/or I do this to my partner.
I often accuse my partner of flirting and/or my partner does this to me.
My partner tells me that no one else would ever want to be with me and/or I tell my
partner this.
I destroy gifts, pictures, clothing, or other thing that are important to my partner
and/or my partner does this to me.
My partner blames me for his/her problems and/or I do this to my partner.
I use my partners past mistakes against him/her and/or my partner does this to
me.
My partner expresses jealousy without reason and/or I do this to my partner.
I withhold affection as a way to punish my partner and/or my partner does this to
me.
My partner hurts or threatens to hurt my friends, family members, or pet and/or I
threaten to do this to my partner.
I have abused my previous partners and/or my partner has abused their previous
partners.
39
Today’s Date: ____________
(circle one)
Great
Good
OK
Poor
1. What are the three stages of the cycle of violence? (Circle the correct answer)
a. Tension, abuse, honeymoon
b. Stress, release, calm
c. Dating, breaking up, dating again
3. I plan to attend more sessions of this IPA Group
Yes
No
Don’t Know
4. I would tell other youth to come to this IPA Group
Yes
No
Don’t Know
1
2
3
4
5
6
40
7
7+
Objectives:
1. Explore biases genders and sexual orientation
regarding intimate partner abuse
2. Provide youth with an opportunity to practice
applying the information they have learned about
IPA onto different scenarios.
3. Assess youth’s ability to identify an IPA
relationship
Activities
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Supplies
Introduction
Ground Rules
Dear Abby
Summary
definition
• Dear Abby Letters
Introduction:
5 minutes
Please note that reviewing the definition and facts of IPA is
an important learning moment. Ask youth for examples of
ideas or disagree with the definition, that is OK.
Repeat Participants
Content
1. This is session six of a 7 session series on intimate partner
intimate partner abuse and youth on the streets may even be
more vulnerable to being involved in IPA.
includes actual or threatened physical and/or sexual assault,
emotional abuse, mental abuse (mind-tripping), verbal abuse,
41
and/or financial abuse.
reasons including:
• DV is usually used to describe violence among people
that are married or living together. With IPA,
4. This is not counseling or group therapy: this is an educational
program. We value your input about what works or doesn’t
work about this program so we can make it better.
Overview
guidance are reviewed at the beginning of each session. Add any
additional and reasonable ground rules that emerge from the
group onto the poster with a dry erase marker. If the host agency
has its own ground rules, ask youth to connect the group rules to
the ground rules of the agency.
Content -Key Ground
Rules
make it a safe place for people to talk and share their ideas and to
ensure that everyone is treated with respect. Here are some
ground rules that we like. Does anyone have any that they would
like to add to the list? Does anyone have any that they would
like to change?
• Respect others
Content- Limits of
Confidentiality
believe that
42
adult or senior,
Content- Anticipatory
Guidance
participating in these sessions may cause you to reflect on things
that you have experienced or seen in your past or that you are
experiencing right now. These thoughts, feelings, and memories
may be painful or uncomfortable. If you want someone to talk
about these feelings, we can help you figure out the best person to
talk to. Please come talk to us after the session is over.
Activity 1- Dear Abby: 45 minutes
Facilitator’s
Instructions
This activity is designed to explore gender biases, test assumptions
about sexual orientation, and assess youth’s ability to identify an
IPA relationship. Ask for volunteers to share the advice they
would give if they were Abby. Ask other youth to add to the
advice or if they have different advice to share and why.
If there are major gaps in the advice youth offer, use this
opportunity as a teachable moment to provide additional
information and education.
See the Dear Abby Letters attached. Make sure that you have
enough copies of the letters for everyone. Invite one participant to
read a letter.
Introduction
Since IPA is most common among adolescents and young adults,
it is very likely that at some point it your lives you will know
someone in a violent or abusive relationship or be in one yourself.
In order to help think about what you would do to help someone
else or help yourself, we are going to be reading three Dear Abby
Letters made up for this exercise. After we read the letters, we are
going to brainstorm the steps that individuals can take to protect
themselves.
Peer Involvement
If you have youth who regularly attend IPA groups, this is an
43
opportunity to support their leadership skills. The peer can read
the letter and ask the initial discussion questions below.
Do they think that the writer is a man or woman?
Gay, Lesbian, or straight?
Does this letter describe an IPA relationship?
If so, why? Or why not?
What is the biggest problem described in the letter (even if it
wasn’t what they asked for help about)?
What are the best options for the person writing the letter?
Alternate Instructions
Depending on the size of the group, it may work better to divide
the group into smaller groups and assign each group with the task
of developing a response to one letter. They can write the
response or just take notes. Each group should pick one or two
people to share their response with the larger group. They should
answer the same questions as above.
After each group presents their advice, ask the group if they have
anything to add or if they would change anything.
Summary: 5 minutes
the option to complete the form as a group and read the questions
out loud. This will allow youth with limited literacy skills to
participate without having to call attention to their lack of skills.
In the future, if you do incorporate feedback into the content or
process of the group, let youth know that they made a difference.
These changes can be small (e.g. the snack you offered, the time
of the day of the group) or big (e.g. new discussion questions,
changing activities).
Dear Abby Handout
44
Letter 1: Dear Abby:
My boyfriend and I love each other. But I don’t like it when we get in fights. When he gets
angry, he hits me really hard and once I even needed stitches. But it was not his fault because we
were both using drugs. I know that I sometimes deserve to get hit cause I piss him off and call
him horrible names. But he is everything to me and I love him and he is the only one that cares
for me in this world. Can you help us? Thanks.
Desperately in Love
Letter 2: Dear Abby,
I am 17 and I have been involved with “Joe” for about 3 months. I love him so much and he says
that he loves me but I have a feeling that he is cheating on me. Joe is really good looking and at
least two girls I know told me to my face that they would steal him if they could. I was feeling so
jealous that I started following Joe around to see where he was going and who he was hanging out
with. He keeps seeing me follow him and then he gets mad. Last week, I saw him talking to this
girl and I got so mad that I threw my backpack at him as hard as I could. The zipper cut him on
the face. I felt really bad but he knew he shouldn’t make me jealous. Later he told me that the
girl came up to him to talk to him and he didn’t even know her but I don’t know if I should
believe him or not. He told me that he would break up with me if I keep acting like this but I feel
so crazy with jealousy that I don’t know what to do. How can I keep Joe and make sure that he is
not cheating on me?
About to Explode
I finally found someone to love, really love but we fight. We fight like crazy. I mean wild crazy.
My friend tells me we act like boxers, not lovers. But we do love just not as much as we fight.
Could it be that we love each other so much we fight? I think so cuz after the fights we love sooo
much. You know what I mean! See, the other day we were hanging with some friends and my
partner told me I was flirting with someone else. I was shocked because I’m not ‘the flirt’ in our
relationship. So I said that and then we started yelling and screaming and we couldn’t stop.
Sometimes it feels like something else takes over my body because before I knew it were on the
sidewalk kicking and punching each other. If our friend hadn’t noticed the police car I don’t
know if we would’ve stopped. So it’s like that. We fight like crazy but we love each other. We
spend every minute together and both like it that way. Okay, maybe there are times when I want
some time alone but I’m afraid to ask because I would hate for my partner to ask for time alone.
And another thing… I just got a job but my boss keeps complaining about my partner hanging
around. I mean, what is the big deal? So what if my love comes to work with me. I still do my
job. In fact, I probably do a better job just because my love is watching me. You know… we
have to look out for each other. If we were ever apart anything crazy could happen. Right? But
then I think about how I miss some of the things I did before we were together. Don’t get me
wrong, I don’t want to be alone again. That sucked. But I do wish I could… I don’t know…
maybe not have to fight all the time. Sometimes the fighting really hurts. Sometimes things are
said that I can’t forget and that bug me for a long time. I guess I wish we could fight less. Is that
possible?
45
Thanks,
Fighting Lover
Letter #4: Dear Abby,
My boyfriend always goes shopping with me and picks out everything I wear. It first
started because he says he has better taste but it seems different now. If I wear something
that makes me look like a hoochie mama, he throws it away. Sometimes I don’t even
think those clothes make me look like a hoochie mama but he does. Just last week he
made me take my skirt off, right in front of our friends. He called me a “slut” and told
me if I didn’t take that “f---ing skirt off right then and there” he’d leave me. I was so
embarrassed but I didn’t want him to leave me so I took it off. I had to sit there in front
of everyone, without a skirt. Later, when we were alone, my boyfriend made fun of me
for not having a skirt. Everyone around just laughs when he tells me what to do but it
isn’t funny. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Not Laughing
My girlfriend is the smartest person I know. I mean really, she could be the president or
someone famous. She’s in all the AP classes and will get a scholarship to a cool school
soon. Everyone is always praising her for being so smart. Sometimes, when she isn’t
busy studying, she helps me with my homework. I used to like those times but lately, she
has been really mean. She calls me names and makes fun of my grades. I know she is
joking, and I know I’m not that smart but it still hurts. Can a dummy ask his girlfriend
not to call him a dummy, even if he is?
Thanks,
The Dummy
Letter #6:Dear Abby,
I have this boyfriend who loves me more than anything. He buys me presents, takes me
out to dinner and gives me my own money. He never, or usually never, asks how I spend
the money. Okay, if he’s been drinking then he asks, we fight and then make-up so it’s
pretty cool. Lately, though, he’s been too rough during sex. I don’t think it’s his fault
because he doesn’t really know. I never tell him because I don’t want to embarrass him
or make him feel bad. Is there a way that I can get him to not be so rough during sex,
without telling him? I really don’t want to complain or bother him. He’s a real busy
man.
Thank you,
Confused
46
Today’s Date: ____________
(circle one)
Great
Good
OK
Poor
1. If I had a friend that was being hit by their partner, I would: (Circle the answer the
best matches what you think you would do)
1. Ignore it
2. Tell them to leave their partner
3. Confront the partner
4. Break off the friendship
5. Talk to them about it
Yes
No
Don’t Know
Yes
No
Don’t Know
1
2
3
4
5
47
6
7
7+
Objectives:
1. Identify 3 things to do as part of a safety plan
2. Know that restraining orders are free and available
to youth over 12
3. Identify 2 pros and 2 cons to getting a restraining
order
Activities
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
Supplies
Introduction
Ground Rules
See it and Stop It
Safety Planning
Restraining Orders
Summary
definition
• See It and Stop It PSA Video
• VCR/TV
• Safety Planning/Avoiding Danger
hand out
• Safety Worksheet
Please note that reviewing the definition and facts of IPA is
an important learning moment. Ask youth for examples of
ideas or disagree with the definition, that is OK.
Repeat Participants
Content
1. This is session one of a 7 session series on intimate
partner abuse. The purpose of this program is to
prevent intimate partner abuse among youth. Lots of
teens and young adults experience intimate partner
abuse and youth on the streets may even be more
vulnerable to being involved in IPA.
48
2. The term Intimate Partner Abuse may be new to you.
The definition is up on this flip chart: “Abuse that is
committed by a current or past partner, usually with
the intent to maintain power and control over the
partner. This abuse includes actual or threatened
physical and/or sexual assault, emotional abuse,
mental abuse (mind-tripping), verbal abuse, and/or
financial abuse.
reasons including:
people that are married or living together. With IPA,
3. While we hope that young people will attend all of
the sessions, they are free to attend any of them that
they want and they will be offered at multiple sites in
the community.
educational program. We value your input about
what works or doesn’t work about this program so
we can make it better.
any additional and reasonable ground rules that emerge from the
group onto the poster with a dry erase marker. If the host
agency has its own ground rules, ask youth to connect the group
rules to the ground rules of the agency.
Content - Key Ground
Rules
make it a safe place for people to talk and share their ideas and
to ensure that everyone is treated with respect. Here are some
ground rules that we like. Does anyone have any that they
would like to add to the list? Does anyone have any that they
would like to change?
• Respect others
49
•
•
•
Content - Limits of
Confidentiality
Personal information does not leave the room
Everyone has the right to their own opinion
No put-downs, judgments
believe that
adult or senior,
Guidance
the best person to talk to. Please come talk to us after the
session is over.
Activity 1: See It and Stop It: 20 minutes
Facilitator’s
Instructions
This videotape includes two short (one minute long) PSAs where
a youth confronts his/her friend about their behavior (either the
way that they treat their girlfriend or the way that there boyfriend
treats them). Show the first part of the video (with the young
men) and ask the youth to share what they saw and thought about
the scenario. Rewind the clip and show the same one again and
ask what they saw the second time. Do the same with the second
part of the video.
Repeat Participants
If you have youth who attend the IPA group regularly, ask them to
be the VJ (video jockey) and help you set up the video, find the
right spot on the tape, rewind it, etc.
Introduction
This video has a PSA (explain what a PSA is – Public Service
50
Announcement) from a campaign called See it and Stop It that is
designed to encourage youth to take action about intimate partner
violence. There are two short videos. I would like you to watch
the first one and tell me what you think. Then we will watch the
second one.
1. What was the body language of the young man that showed
you that he was angry?
2. What was the body language of the young women that showed
that she was scared or concerned?
3. Do you think that it was appropriate for their friends to speak
up? Why or why not?
4. If it were you, what would you have said?
5. What makes people afraid/reluctant to speak up when they
think there friends aren’t being treated right?
6. Why do you think it is important for friends to speak up?
Activity II: Safety Planning/Avoiding Danger: 20 minutes
This exercise explores the modified safety planning and avoiding
danger lists that have been developed for homeless youth.
Review the steps on the handout. Ask youth if there are steps that
they would add, change, or remove. If there is time, ask youth to
write notes on these plans to make them meaningful.
Follow the review of safety planning and avoiding danger with a
worksheet that is designed to raise their awareness that tension is
building in their relationship. You can read the questions aloud in
the group or ask youth to complete the worksheet individually.
Ask anyone if they would like to share any of their answers.
Content-Safety
Planning and Avoiding
Danger
There are steps that people can take to tray to stay safe if they
think that there partner will be violent or abusive. There are also
steps that people can take if you are worried that you might
become violent or abusive yourself.
Does this list make sense for youth in your situation? Why or
why not?
Should anything be added or removed from the list?
Whose phone number should you carry around?
Who are the people that you can talk to?
Where would your safe place be?
Repeat Participants
Ask youth to help distribute the pens and paper.
51
Content-Safety
Worksheet
In order for someone to take action on a safety plan or on a plan
for avoiding danger, they need to pay attention to the signs that
tension is building in their relationship. Let’s look at the safety
worksheet together. I will read the questions and you can write
down the answer on your worksheet.
Activity III: Restraining Orders
Content-Restraining
Orders
While many youth have very negative feelings about the police
and concern about involving police voluntarily in their affairs, it is
still important for them to understand what a restraining order is
and how it can be used. You can let them know that even if they
will never get one, they may know someone in the future who
could use one and would need their help.
Please note: It is important for the facilitator to have accurate
information about restraining orders in their community and the
laws in their state as they may differ from the information
provided here.
A restraining order is an order from the court for a person to stay
away from another person. Violating a restraining order is a
criminal offense. In California, anyone 12 and over can get a
restraining order. You don’t have to have visible bruises or to
have been physically hurt by someone. While there are fees for
restraining orders, these fees can be waived so that it is free.
Generally, there are people available to help you with the legal
process.
In every situation, there may be pros and cons about getting a
restraining order. What do you know about the pros and cons of
getting a restraining order against someone?
(Sample answers include: The pros are that you can call the
police if the person is bothering you or getting too close to you.
The pros are also that it shows the other person that you are
serious about protecting yourself. The cons may include having
your own warrants come up and the fact that it starts the legal
wheel turning, a process that you may not be able to stop even if
you wanted to. )
In most cities there are legal counselors who can help you figure
out the pros and cons in your situation so that you can make an
informed choice.
52
Summary: 5 minutes
skills to participate without having to call attention to their lack
of skills. In the future, if you do incorporate feedback into the
content or process of the group, let youth know that they made a
difference. These changes can be small (e.g. the snack you
offered, the time of the day of the group) or big (e,g, new
discussion questions, changing activities).
53
1.
Keep important phone numbers with you at all times.
2.
Carry your own documents such as your birth certificate, ID, social security card, or ask a service
center to hold these documents for you. Also keep your medicines with you.
3.
Tell people you trust about the violence and ask them to call the police if they ever think you are
in danger.
4.
Make an escape plan that includes 4 places you could go to be safe
5.
Develop code words to use with friends when you are in immediate danger.
6.
Try not to be alone in isolated areas.
7.
Find someone you feel comfortable with to talk to.
8.
Recognize the signs when your partner or ex-partner is escalating and try to remove yourself from
the situation.
9.
Get a restraining order if you are in danger.
10. Give copies of the restraining order to the police, your housing program, drop in centers you
frequent, etc. Keep a copy with you at all times.
Avoiding Danger Times
1.
Recognize the feelings in your body when you are about to explode.
2.
Remember the behaviors in other people that trigger your anger
3.
When you are feeling hurt, lonely, powerless, sad, powerful, ashamed, think of someone who is
safe for you to talk to. Keep their phone number with you.
4.
Tell people you trust about your desire to control your temper better and ask them to support you
when you are feeling vulnerable.
5.
When you are feeling hurt, lonely, powerless, sad, powerful, ashamed, think of 4 safe places
where you can go to calm down.
6.
Try not to be alone with your partner when you feel the warning signs to your aggression.
7.
Learn to listen to your own warning signs.
8.
Stop, think, then act.
54
Safety Worksheet
Just before I loose my temper, I feel it in my _______________________________
___________________________________(e.g. stomach, head, fists, jaw, shoulders)
Just before my partner looses his/her temper, I notice a change in his or her _____________( fists, jaw, shoulders, face, skin)
Each time my partner _________, I become so angry I explode.
My triggers to becoming aggressive are _____________________________.
I _______________when my partner becomes aggressive.
________________ is a warning sign for my aggression.
The people that I trust to help me are _______________________________.
If I feel like I am in danger of hurting my partner or being hurt, I could
______________________________________________________________.
The places where I feel most safe are ________________________________.
55
(circle one)
Great
Good
OK
Poor
1. How confident are you that you could recognize an IPA relationship? (Circle your
answer)
1. Very confident
2. Somewhat confident
3. Somewhat not confident
4. Not confident at all
2. Safety planning includes which of the following (circle all that apply)
1. Keeping important phone numbers with you.
2. Keeping important documents (like ID, birth certificate) with you or
someplace you can get to it easily
3. Telling someone you trust about the violence and asking for their help if you
need it.
4. None of the above
Yes
No
Don’t Know
Yes
No
Don’t Know
1
2
3
4
5
56
6
7
7+
INTIMATE PARTNER ABUSE
Definition
Facts
Abuse that is committed by a
current or past partner,
usually with the intent to
maintain power and control
over the partner.
something that we learn
• Intimate partner abuse can
occur in both heterosexual
(straight) and same-sex (gay
or lesbian) relationships
Examples
This abuse includes actual or
not caused by stress
threatened physical and/or
• Anyone is capable of
sexual assault, emotional
violence or abuse in an
abuse, mental abuse (mindintimate partner
tripping), verbal abuse, and or
relationship
financial abuse.
57
Today’s Date: _____________
(circle one)
Great
Good
OK
Poor
Fill in the blanks for each question.
8. Name 3 qualities of a healthy relationship.
1. _______________________
2. _______________________
3. _______________________
9. Name 3 qualities of an unhealthy relationship.
1. _______________________
2. _______________________
3. _______________________
Please circle T if the statement is True or F if the statement is false.
10. Intimate partner abuse is caused by stress.
T
F
11. Females can be perpetrators of intimate partner abuse.
F
T
Please circle the answer to each statement
Yes
No
Don’t Know
Yes
No
Don’t Know
14. How many IPA Group sessions have you attended? (circle the correct number below)
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
7+
10. My favorite part of today’s session was
58
Date_______
59
Limit Setting Activity Handout
too far and I will __________________________.
too far and I will __________________________.
too far and I will __________________________.
too far and I will__________________________.
too far and I will__________________________.
too far and I will __________________________.
too far and I will __________________________.
too far and I will __________________________.
60
too far and I will __________________________.
too far and I will__________________________.
too far and I will __________________________.
too far and I will __________________________.
too far and I will __________________________.
too far and I will __________________________.
too far and I will __________________________.
too far and I will __________________________.
too far and I will __________________________.
61
Today’s Date: ___________
(circle one)
Great
Good
OK
Poor
Please circle what your answer is to each of the questions below.
1. Circle all of the behaviors that you think can be considered intimate partner abuse if a girlfriend or
boyfriend did them to their partner or ex-partner (you can circle as many as you want to).
f.
g.
h.
i.
j.
Hitting their partner
Threatening to kill their partner
Stalking their partner (following them all the time)
Making their partner feel worthless and like no one would want to be with them
Controlling who their partner talks to or hangs out with.
2. My boundaries change depending on who I am with.
True
False
Yes
No
Don’t Know
Yes
No
Don’t Know
1
2
3
4
5
5+
62
Today’s Date Is_________
(circle one)
Great
Good
OK
Poor
Please circle your answer to each of the questions below.
1. Children develop their attitudes about relationships and violence come from (circle all that apply)
a. Parents
b. Cultural background
c. Music
d. Movies
e. None of the above
2. I plan to attend more sessions of this IPA Group.
Yes
No
Don’t Know
3. I would tell other youth to come to this IPA Group.
Yes
No
Don’t Know
1
2
3
4
5
63
6
7
7+
(circle one)
Great
Good
OK
Poor
1. I will listen to music lyrics differently now that I participated in this session.
Yes No
Don’t Know
Yes
No
Don’t Know
3. I would tell other youth to come to this IPA group. Yes
No
Don’t Know
1
2
3
4
5
64
6
7
7+
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being abused by my partner…
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67
Identifying Red Flag Behaviors for Intimate Partner Abuse
Red Flag Behaviors
I am constantly checking up on my partner and/or my partner does this to me.
My partner insults, humiliates, embarrasses, and calls me names and/or I do this to my
partner.
I control my partner’s plans and friends and/or my partner does this to me.
My partner threatens me in order to get his/her way and/or I do this to my partner.
I often accuse my partner of flirting and/or my partner does this to me.
My partner tells me that no one else would ever want to be with me and/or I tell my partner
this.
I destroy gifts, pictures, clothing, or other things that are important to my partner and/or my
partner does this to me.
My partner blames me for his/her problems and/or I do this to my partner.
I use my partners past mistakes against him/her and/or my partner does this to me.
My partner expresses jealousy without reason and/or I do this to my partner.
I withhold affection as a way to punish my partner and/or my partner does this to me.
My partner hurts or threatens to hurt my friends, family members, or pet and/or I threaten
to do this to my partner.
I have abused my previous partners and/or my partner has abused their previous partners.
68
Today’s Date: ____________
(circle one)
Great
Good
OK
Poor
1. What are the three stages of the cycle of violence? (Circle the correct answer)
d. Tension, abuse, honeymoon
e. Stress, release, calm
f. Dating, breaking up, dating again
2.
I plan to attend more sessions of this IPA Group
Yes
No
Don’t Know
3.
I would tell other youth to come to this IPA Group
Yes
No
Don’t Know
1
2
3
4
5
69
6
7
7+
Dear Abby Handout
Letter 1: Dear Abby:
My boyfriend and I love each other. But I don’t like it when we get in fights. When he gets angry, he hits me
really hard and once I even needed stitches. But it was not his fault because we were both using drugs. I know that
I sometimes deserve to get hit cause I piss him off and call him horrible names. But he is everything to me and I
love him and he is the only one that cares for me in this world. Can you help us? Thanks.
Desperately in Love
I am 17 and I have been involved with “Joe” for about 3 months. I love him so much and he says that he loves me
but I have a feeling that he is cheating on me. Joe is really good looking and at least two girls I know told me to my
face that they would steal him if they could. I was feeling so jealous that I started following Joe around to see
where he was going and who he was hanging out with. He keeps seeing me follow him and then he gets mad. Last
week, I saw him talking to this girl and I got so mad that I threw my backpack at him as hard as I could. The zipper
cut him on the face. I felt really bad but he knew he shouldn’t make me jealous. Later he told me that the girl came
up to him to talk to him and he didn’t even know her but I don’t know if I should believe him or not. He told me
that he would break up with me if I keep acting like this but I feel so crazy with jealousy that I don’t know what to
do. How can I keep Joe and make sure that he is not cheating on me?
About to Explode
I finally found someone to love, really love but we fight. We fight like crazy. I mean wild crazy. My friend tells
me we act like boxers, not lovers. But we do love just not as much as we fight. Could it be that we love each other
so much we fight? I think so cuz after the fights we love sooo much. You know what I mean! See, the other day
we were hanging with some friends and my partner told me I was flirting with someone else. I was shocked
because I’m not ‘the flirt’ in our relationship. So I said that and then we started yelling and screaming and we
couldn’t stop. Sometimes it feels like something else takes over my body because before I knew it were on the
sidewalk kicking and punching each other. If our friend hadn’t noticed the police car I don’t know if we would’ve
stopped. So it’s like that. We fight like crazy but we love each other. We spend every minute together and both
like it that way. Okay, maybe there are times when I want some time alone but I’m afraid to ask because I would
hate for my partner to ask for time alone. And another thing… I just got a job but my boss keeps complaining
about my partner hanging around. I mean, what is the big deal? So what if my love comes to work with me. I still
do my job. In fact, I probably do a better job just because my love is watching me. You know… we have to look
out for each other. If we were ever apart anything crazy could happen. Right? But then I think about how I miss
some of the things I did before we were together. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to be alone again. That
sucked. But I do wish I could… I don’t know… maybe not have to fight all the time. Sometimes the fighting
really hurts. Sometimes things are said that I can’t forget and that bug me for a long time. I guess I wish we could
fight less. Is that possible?
Fighting Lover
70
My boyfriend always goes shopping with me and picks out everything I wear. It first started because he
says he has better taste but it seems different now. If I wear something that makes me look like a hoochie
mama, he throws it away. Sometimes I don’t even think those clothes make me look like a hoochie mama
but he does. Just last week he made me take my skirt off, right in front of our friends. He called me a
“slut” and told me if I didn’t take that “f---ing skirt off right then and there” he’d leave me. I was so
embarrassed but I didn’t want him to leave me so I took it off. I had to sit there in front of everyone,
without a skirt. Later, when we were alone, my boyfriend made fun of me for not having a skirt.
Everyone around just laughs when he tells me what to do but it isn’t funny. What should I do?
Not Laughing
My girlfriend is the smartest person I know. I mean really, she could be the president or someone
famous. She’s in all the AP classes and will get a scholarship to a cool school soon. Everyone is always
praising her for being so smart. Sometimes, when she isn’t busy studying, she helps me with my
homework. I used to like those times but lately, she has been really mean. She calls me names and
makes fun of my grades. I know she is joking, and I know I’m not that smart but it still hurts. Can a
dummy ask his girlfriend not to call him a dummy, even if he is?
Thanks,
The Dummy
Letter #6:Dear Abby,
I have this boyfriend who loves me more than anything. He buys me presents, takes me out to dinner and
gives me my own money. He never, or usually never, asks how I spend the money. Okay, if he’s been
drinking then he asks, we fight and then make-up so it’s pretty cool. Lately, though, he’s been too rough
during sex. I don’t think it’s his fault because he doesn’t really know. I never tell him because I don’t
want to embarrass him or make him feel bad. Is there a way that I can get him to not be so rough during
sex, without telling him? I really don’t want to complain or bother him. He’s a real busy man.
Thank you,
Confused
71
Today’s Date: ____________
(circle one)
Great
Good
OK
Poor
1. If I had a friend that was being hit by their partner, I would: (Circle the answer the best matches what
you think you would do)
a. Ignore it
b. Tell them to leave their partner
c. Confront the partner
d. Break off the friendship
e. Talk to them about it
Yes
No
Don’t Know
Yes
No
Don’t Know
1
2
3
4
5
72
6
7
7+
1.
Keep important phone numbers with you at all times.
2.
Carry your own documents such as your birth certificate, ID, social security card, or ask a service center to hold these
documents for you. Also keep your medicines with you.
3.
Tell people you trust about the abuse and ask them to call the police if they ever think you are in danger.
4.
Make an escape plan that includes 4 places you could go to be safe
5.
Develop code words to use with friends when you are in immediate danger.
6.
Try not to be alone in isolated areas.
7.
Find someone you feel comfortable with to talk to.
8.
Recognize the signs when your partner or ex-partner is escalating and try to remove yourself from the situation.
9.
Get a restraining order if you are in danger.
10. Give copies of the restraining order to the police, your housing program, drop in centers you frequent, etc. Keep a
copy with you at all times.
Avoiding Danger Times
1.
Recognize the feelings in your body when you are about to explode.
2.
Remember the behaviors in other people that trigger your anger
3.
When you are feeling hurt, lonely, powerless, sad, powerful, ashamed, think of someone who is safe for you to talk to.
Keep their phone number with you.
4.
Tell people you trust about your desire to control your temper better and ask them to support you when you are feeling
vulnerable.
5.
When you are feeling hurt, lonely, powerless, sad, powerful, ashamed, think of 4 safe places where you can go to calm
down.
6.
Try not to be alone with your partner when you feel the warning signs to your aggression.
7.
Learn to listen to your own warning signs.
8.
Stop, think, then act.
73
Safety Worksheet
Just before I loose my temper, I feel it in my _______________________________
___________________________________(e.g. stomach, head, fists, jaw, shoulders)
Just before my partner looses his/her temper, I notice a change in his or her _____________( fists,
jaw, shoulders, face, skin)
Each time my partner _________, I become so angry I explode.
My triggers to becoming aggressive are _____________________________.
I _______________when my partner becomes aggressive.
________________ is a warning sign for my aggression.
The people that I trust to help me are _______________________________.
If I feel like I am in danger of hurting my partner or being hurt, I could
______________________________________________________________.
The places where I feel most safe are ________________________________.
74
(circle one)
Great
Good
OK
Poor
1. How confident are you that you could recognize an IPA relationship? (Circle your answer)
1. Very confident
2. Somewhat confident
3. Somewhat not confident
4. Not confident at all
2. Safety planning includes which of the following (circle all that apply)
5. Keeping important phone numbers with you.
6. Keeping important documents (like ID, birth certificate) with you or someplace you can get to
it easily
7. Telling someone you trust about the violence and asking for their help if you need it.
8. None of the above
Yes
No
Don’t Know
Yes
No
Don’t Know
1
2
3
4
5
75
6
7
7+
Ice Breaker Exercises
Intersecting Circles: Divide students into groups of three or four. Give each group a large sheet of
butcher paper and a different color marker for each person. Have them draw (intersecting circles (a Venn
Diagram) with an oval for each student. The students in each group are to discuss what their similarities
and differences are. After the discussion, they are to fill in the diagram showing their similarities and
differences. If a group has a hard time getting started, give them some guidance by asking questions such
as, "What is your favorite music?” "When is your birthday?” "What sports do you like? "Where were you
born?" (Supplies: butcher paper, markers)
Make a Date: Give each participant a paper plate. Have them draw the face of a clock on their plate with
a line next to each number (no digitals!). Then have participants walk around a find a “date” for each
hour, writing their name by the hour. The catch is, no one can make a “date” with more than one person
per hour. After everyone has made their dates, speed up time and allow 1-3 minutes for each hour. The
facilitator then asks a question for discussion on each date. (Examples could include: what is your
favorite food, what is your favorite/least favorite part of Hollywood, etc.) The pairs will have a chance to
get to know one another. (Supplies: paper plates, pens)
Silent Identification: Each participant is asked to write words or draw pictures that describe themselves.
This is done silently. They pin the picture on their chests, walk around and have everyone look each other
over. Pictures are then shuffled and participants are asked to identify the person to which the picture
belongs. (Supplies: paper, pens/markers, safety pins)
Toilet Tissue: tell participants to take a length of tissue. Only after all have taken some, tell them for each
panel of tissue they have to say one positive thing about themselves. (you could vary what they have to do
or say for each tissue square: tailored to your objective) (variation:use M&M's-for each color they have to
say one thing i.e. yellow: something funny about themselves, red: an embarrassing moment, green.........)
(Supplies: roll of toilet paper)
Balloon Game - have everyone put one piece of information about them in a balloon, then blow up the
balloon and throw the balloon in the middle of the circle of participants. Then one by one, pop the
balloons and guess to whom that piece of information belongs. (supplies: balloons, paper, pens)
Two True One False: go around group and everyone has to say two true statements about themselves and
one false. The rest of the group has to guess which one is false. You may be surprised. You can learn
some crazy things about each other! (Supplies: none)
Paper Bag Skits- first split your group into teams consisting of three to six members. Give each team a
paper bag filled with assorted objects. These can be almost anything, i.e. a wooden spoon, a screw, a bar
of soap, a computer disk, etc... The object of the game is to present a skit using all of the props provided.
The props may be used as they would be in normal life, or they may be imaginatively employed. Give
each group a topic to base their skit on. When all the skits have been planned and rehearsed they are
performed for the amusement of all. (Supplies: 2-4 paper bags and assortment of odd items in each)
76
Trading Traits
Create index cards with personality traits of a prospective mate. Give each youth a stack of cards (5 or 6)
and allow them to trade with each other. They can make any deal that they want to try to create the best
partner.
Traits
Tall
Honest
Loving
Drinks too much
Uses some drugs
Passive
Sensitive
Not religious
Hot temper
Has contact with mother
Been in jail
Loner
Loud
Has plans for the future
Fun
Short
Horny
Unfaithful
Doesn’t do drugs
Strong
Inconsiderate
Religious
Passionate
No family
Has kids
Lots of friends
Popular
Quiet
Lives for the moment
Boring
After about 10 minutes of trading, ask the following questions?
Discussion Questions:
Which qualities did they have that they wanted to get rid of?
Which qualities did you want to keep?
Did they make a tradeoff to keep something that was important to them?
Did they learn anything about themselves?
(Supplies: index cards with traits written on them)
77
National Hotlines for Intimate Partner Abuse
National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Stalking Resource Center
1-800-FYI-CALL
Websites with Good Information for Youth
Alabama Coalition Against Domestic Violence
http://www.acadv.org/dating.html
Break the Cycle
http://www.break-the-cycle.org/
Cool Nurse-Teen Dating Violence
http://www.coolnurse.com/teen_dating_violence.htm
End Domestic Violence – Youth http://youth.enddomesticviolence.org/healthyrelationships/default.asp
Family Violence Prevention Fund- See It and Stop It
http://www.seeitandstopit.org/pages/
Love is Not Abuse
http://www.loveisnotabuse.com/
National Domestic Violence Hotline
http://www.ndvh.org/help/teen-help.html
National Youth Violence Prevention Resource Center
http://www.safeyouth.org/scripts/teens/dating.asp
Sex Etc.org
http://www.sexetc.org/index.php?topic=Abuse+and+violence
Stop Violence
http://www.stopviolence.com/domviol.htm
Teen Line
http://www.teenlineonline.org/
Teen Victim Project
http://www.ncvc.org/tvp/Main.aspx
Women’s Law
http://www.womenslaw.org/teens.htm
78
Sources
Aldridge L, Friedman C, Giggans PO. LACAAW: In Touch with Teens: A Relationship Violence
Prevention Curriculum (1995), Los Angeles CA: Los Angeles Commission on Assaults Against Women
Levy B. Skills for Violence Free Relationships: Curriculum for Young People Ages 13 – 18. (1984).
Santa Monica, CA: Southern California Coalition on Battered Women.
McGee KM, Buddenberg LJ. Unmasking Sexual Con Games 3rd Edition: Helping Teens avoid Emotional
Grooming and Dating Violence. (2003). Boys Town Nebraska: Boys Town Press.
Wolfe DA, Wekerle C, Gough R, et al. The Youth Relationships Manual. (1996). Thousand Oaks, CA:
Sage Publications.
79

Relationship Traffic - The Hollywood Homeless Youth Partnership

Transcription

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