here - Association for Bahá`í Studies

Emotional Intelligence in Relationship
and
The Long Obligatory Prayer
By Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
ABS Webinar Feb 18, 2014
Keyvan Geula LMFT
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
Our Brain can be Changed by the
mind
Science is now convinced that:
“The brain can change as a result of the thoughts we
think, altering neural connections in a way that can
treat mental illness or, perhaps, lead to a greater
capacity for empathy and compassion.
It may even dial up the supposedly immovable
happiness set point.” Time, the Brain Jan 29,07 p. 77
Keyvan Geula LMFT
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
We are Hardwired to Become His
Light by Association
Souls are like unto mirrors,
and the bounty of God is like unto the sun.
When the mirrors pass beyond all coloring and attain purity and
polish,
and are confronted with the sun,
they will reflect in full perfection its light and glory.
In this condition one should not consider the mirror,
but the power of the light of the sun,
which hath penetrated the mirror,
making it a reflector of the heavenly glory.
(Abdu'l-Baha, Baha'i World Faith - Abdu'l-Baha Section, p. 367)
Keyvan Geula LMFT
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
What every believer, new or old, should realize
is that the Cause has the spiritual power to recreate us if we make the effort to let that power
influence us,
and the greatest help in this respect is prayer.
We must supplicate Bahá’u’lláh to assist us to
overcome the failings in our own characters,
and also exert our own will power in mastering
ourselves. However, unfortunately, not
everyone achieves easily and rapidly the victory
over self.
(Shoghi Effendi, Lights of Guidance, p. 113)
Keyvan Geula LMFT
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
“…man should know his own
self and recognize that which
leadeth unto loftiness or
lowliness, glory or abasement,
wealth or poverty.”
Baha’i Writings
Now
past
action or inaction
reactive or reflective
Comprehension
Behaviors
Activities
Promises
Achievements
Accomplishments
Statements
Attitudes
Assumptions
Evaluations
Predictions
Conclusions
Judgments
Impressions,
Ideas
Values
Reasons
Needs
Principles
Priorities
Rules
expectations
(to be/ to do/ to have)
pure or impure motives
Desires
Dreams
Goals
Objectives
Wishes Self
Us
from
Keyvanwants
Geula for/
LMFT
Others
(Emotions)
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
Happy
Consecrated
Frustrated
Disappointed
Sad
Excited
Delighted
Angry
Uplifted
Puzzled
Motivated
Trapped
Empowered
Agitated
Impatient
Our conceptual system of thought
and action is metaphorical
Our ordinary conceptual
system, in terms of
which we both think
and act, is
fundamentally
metaphorical in
nature…
George Lakoff and Mark
Johnson., Metaphors we Live By P.3-4
Make my prayer a fire
The cloud of His mercy
We are flowers of God’s
garden
Ye are the royal falcons
Keyvan Geula LMFT
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
Man’s reality is his thought,
Our thoughts, our views, our feelings can be transformed to
reflect the divine Will. We can Choose alternative thoughts .
Keyvan Geula LMFT
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
Prayer is a means of connection
• Through prayer we connect to the source and
author of prayer using our mirror Neurons,
metaphors, story and history which together
provide us with a transforming emotional
Context.
• Revealed prayers “causeth a connection
between the servant and the True
One”.
Keyvan Geula LMFT
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
I render Thee thanks, O Thou Who hast lighted Thy
fire within my soul, and cast the beams of Thy light
into my heart, that Thou hast taught Thy servants
how to make mention of Thee, and revealed unto
them the ways whereby they can supplicate Thee,
through Thy most holy and exalted tongue, and Thy
most august and precious speech
(Bahá'u'lláh, Prayers and Meditations, p. 320).
And a light that will lead me into the ocean of Thy Presence
‫ﮏ‬
َ ‫ﺤﺮ ِﻭﺻﺎ ِﻟ‬
ِ َ‫ﻧﻮﺭﺍ ً ﻳَﺪُﻟﱡﻨِ ْﻲ ﺍِﻟﯽ ﺑ‬
Keyvan Geula LMFT
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
Methods of Mindfulness
• Some meditation methods just have you be
mindful of whatever goes on within your mind
– thoughts, feelings, fantasies, etc – without
judging or reacting; this self-awareness in itself
tends to quiet the mind. Daniel Goleman,
http://www.linkedin.com/today/post/article/20140216161912-117825785what-mindfulness-is-and-isn-t?trk=prof-post
• Some methods of psychotherapy is also
awareness focused.
Keyvan Geula LMFT
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
In Obligatory Prayer We Employ a
Complex Method of Mindfulness
• …many meditation methods are concentrative –
you continually bring your mind back to one
point of focus like your breath or counting or a
simple sound you repeat mentally.
• Concentrative methods use mindfulness to notice
when your mind wanders so you can bring it back
to that one focus. Daniel Goleman
•
http://www.linkedin.com/today/post/article/20140216161912-117825785-whatmindfulness-is-and-isn-t?trk=prof-post
Keyvan Geula LMFT
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
Prayer and Meditation Do Help
Us to Resolve Conflict…
• the expectation that meditation will resolve our
inner conflicts or fix dysfunctional relationship
patterns is wrong. It was never designed for that
– psychotherapy was.
• Mindfulness and psychotherapy are like
hammers and saws – different tools for different
jobs. Daniel Goleman;
http://www.linkedin.com/today/post/article/20140216161912-117825785what-mindfulness-is-and-isn-t?trk=prof-post
Keyvan Geula LMFT
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
Revealed Prayer and Meditation;
the Two Wings of Transformation
• The combination of mindfulness and
psychotherapy are particularly powerful – witness
the rise of mindfulness integrated with cognitive
therapy, which studies find to be one of the most
powerful treatments for everything from
depression to, just perhaps, dysfunctional
relationship patterns.
•
Daniel Goleman; http://www.linkedin.com/today/post/article/20140216161912117825785-what-mindfulness-is-and-isn-t?trk=prof-post
Keyvan Geula LMFT
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
Revealed Prayers plus Meditation Serve
as the Two wings of Man’s Liberation
• John Teasdale at the University of Oxford
found that mindfulness plus cognitive
therapy reduced episodes of depression by
50% in chronically depressed patients who
were not helped by any other means, from
drugs to electroconvulsive therapy.
Daniel Goleman;
http://www.linkedin.com/today/post/article/20140216161912117825785-what-mindfulness-is-and-isn-t?trk=prof-post
Keyvan Geula LMFT
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
In Prayer We Express our most intense
feelings of Love and Association
• “…because in that state man with all heart
and soul turneth his face towards His
Highness the Almighty,
seeking His association and desiring His
love and compassion.” Abdu’l-Baha
• O Thou Who art the Lord of all names and the Maker of the
heavens! I beseech Thee …,
• to make of my prayer a fire that will burn away the veils which have
shut me out from Thy beauty,
• and a light that will lead me unto the ocean of Thy Presence.
Keyvan Geula LMFT
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
Faculty of meditation
• Through the faculty of meditation man attains to
eternal life; through it he receives the breath of the
Holy Spirit — the bestowal of the Spirit is given in
reflection and meditation.
• The spirit of man is itself informed and
strengthened during meditation; through it affairs
of which man knew nothing are unfolded before
his view.
• Through it he receives Divine inspiration, through
it he receives heavenly food... (Abdu'l- Bahá, Paris Talks, p. 175). ◌َ
Keyvan Geula LMFT
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
Detachment from our Thoughts
and Accepting Influence
• As we say every day;
• “Behold me standing ready to do Thy will and Thy
desire, and wishing naught else except Thy good
pleasure.”
• And we cultivate the habit of letting go of our
bananas and developping the muscles of
accepting influence; identified by John Gottman,
as a significant tool of building and maintaining
relationship.
Keyvan Geula LMFT
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
How we Recognize Wayward Thoughts
“He should consume every wayward thought with the flame
of His loving mention, and,
with the swiftness of lightning, pass by all else save Him.”
(Baha’u’llah: Gleanings, 265)
“cognitive therapy targets the cortex, the thinking brain,
reshaping how you process information and changing your
thinking pattern.
It decreases rumination, and trains the brain to adopt
different thinking circuits.”
Time, the
Brain Jan 29,07 p. 66
Keyvan Geula LMFT
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
Example of The Master in
Teaching Emotional Intelligence
‘Abdu’l-Baha was the master of
teaching the believers the art of
managing
Story of Ustad Ismail
“That our thoughts, our views, our
feelings may become as one reality
manifesting the spirit of union
throughout the worlds.”
Baha’i prayers
“Emotions serves as a central
organizing process within the brain…
Daniel J. Siegel MD
“The basic unit of human memory is
information in context connected to
feelings. This means that how
someone learns is as important as what
someone learns” (Maurice Elias, 1999)
“Emotions give a more activated and
chemically stimulated brain, which
helps us recall things better”.
(Cahill et al, 1994)
Keyvan Geula LMFT
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
Five Main Domains of Emotional Intelligence
1-Knowing one’s emotions
• Self-awareness—recognizing a feeling as it
happens—is the keystone of emotional
intelligence
We say and learn as we say how we are and must feel.
“Thou seest, O my Lord, this stranger…; and this
transgressor seeking the ocean of Thy forgiveness; and this
lowly one the court of Thy glory; and this poor creature the
orient of Thy wealth.”
Once we declare our powerlessness, then He manifests His
might and we rejoice. Story of Mr. Yazdi
Keyvan Geula LMFT
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
The Spiritual Key to Self Awareness
• Moreover, obligatory prayer and fasting produce
awareness and awakening in man, and are
conducive to his protection and preservation
from tests.
(Abdu’l-baha, Compilations, The Importance of Obligatory Prayer and Fasting)
This awareness of our dual nature changes our management of
the two selves and our feelings in the relation to reality we
perceive.
• We can shrug the weight of unpleasant things of life like the
donkey climbing out of the pit of its own self. We make
stepping stones out of stumbling blocks
Keyvan Geula LMFT
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
Five Main Domains of Emotional Intelligence
2-Managing emotions
Handling feelings so they are appropriate, is an
ability that builds on self awareness. Daniel Goleman
•We say every day: “O Thou in separation from
whom hearts and souls have melted…” and we say:
“Whatsoever is revealed by Thee is the desire of my
heart and the beloved of my soul”
•He teaches us in 7 Valleys story of Majnoon to see the end
at the beginning and He also has given us the example of
Abdu’l-Baha in an ocean of tribulation.
Keyvan Geula LMFT
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
Effective Alternative
to Common Ineffective Treatment practices
• “Treatment strategies that urge the patient to ‘get
the anger out’ by expressing aggressive feelings are
rarely, if ever, effective.” (David H Burns MD)
• Beating pillows may drain some poisonous energy but it
does not purify the well.
• Let nothing grieve thee, and be thou angered at none. It
behooveth thee to be content with the Will of God, and a
true and loving and trusted friend to all the peoples of
the earth, without any exceptions whatever. (‘Abdu’l-Baha:
Selections from the Writings of ‘Abdu’l-Baha, 26)
• Ruhiyyih khanum sharing her battle with herself to conquer herself
Keyvan Geula LMFT
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
Five Main Domains of Emotional
Intelligence
3-Motivating oneself
Marshaling emotions in the service of a goal is essential
for paying attention, for self motivation and mastery, and
for creativity. Emotional self control—delaying
gratification and stifling impulsiveness—underlies
accomplishment of every sort. Daniel Goleman
We say; “Thou seest, O my Lord, this wretched creature
knocking at the door of Thy grace and this evanescent soul
seeking the river of everlasting life from the hands of Thy
bounty”. We then refer to the example of Abdu’l-Baha in
His tablet of visitation saying; make me a dust in the path..
Keyvan Geula LMFT
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
Daily Association with the Beloved
Causes Resilience
When man is associated with that transcendent power
emanating from the Word of God, the tree of his being
becomes so well rooted in the soil of assurance that it
laughs at hurricanes of skepticism violently attempting its
destruction.
For this association of the part with the Whole endows him
with the Whole, and this union of the particular with the
Universal makes him all in all.
(Compilations, Baha'i Scriptures, p. 439)
Keyvan Geula LMFT
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
Five Main Domains of Emotional Intelligence
4-Recognizing emotions in others
Empathy, another ability that builds on
emotional self-awareness, is the
fundamental “people skill.” Empathy
kindles altruism.
He teaches us how we feel in relation to Him
and we use it as a template
Keyvan Geula LMFT
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
Five Main Domains of Emotional Intelligence
• We learn about the dynamics of emotions in ourselves in relation to
our Beloved as we say; “Thou
dost perceive my tears and
the sighs I utter, and hearest my groaning, and my
wailing, and the lamentation of my heart. By Thy
might! My trespasses have kept me back from
drawing nigh unto Thee; and my sins have held me
far from the court of Thy holiness. Thy love, O my
Lord, hath enriched me, and separation from Thee
hath destroyed me, and remoteness from Thee hath
consumed me.” and we learn empathy.
Keyvan Geula LMFT
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
5 Main Domains of Emotional Intelligence
5-Handling relationships
The art of relationships is, in large part, skill in
managing emotions in others.
When we say;
“Behold me standing to do Thy will and Thy desire.”
We know He desires us to look for the good in others
and to hear them with the intention of understanding
without worrying about agreeing or disagreeing.
Keyvan Geula LMFT
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
Love Relations with Divine Power Transforms
Human Thought and Action
A Bahá'í who has studied the Teachings of Bahá'u'lláh,
who has accepted His claim to be the Manifestation of God
for this Age,
and who has seen His Teachings at work in his daily life,
knows as the result of rational investigation, confirmed by
actual experience, that true religion, far from being the
product solely of human striving after truth,
is the fruit of the creative Word of God which, with divine
power,
transforms human thought and action.
(The Universal House of Justice, Messages 1963 to 1986, p. 389)
Keyvan Geula LMFT
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
Obligatory prayer is a conversation with
the Beloved and transforms character
• O thou daughter of the Kingdom!
• The Obligatory Prayers are binding inasmuch as they are
conducive to humility and submissiveness, to setting
one's face towards God and expressing devotion to
Him.
(Compilations, The Importance of Obligatory Prayer and Fasting)
Keyvan Geula LMFT
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
Obligatory Prayer as a Divine
Communication Tool
• Through such prayer man holdeth
communion with God,
• seeketh to draw near unto Him,
• converseth with the true Beloved of his
heart,
• and attaineth spiritual stations.
(Compilations, The Importance of Obligatory Prayer and Fasting)
Keyvan Geula LMFT
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
• The wisdom of obligatory
In Obligatory prayer is this: That it causeth
prayer we beg to a connection between the
servant and the True One,
be near and we because at that time man with
Develop Likeness all his heart and soul turneth
his face towards the
Almighty, seeking His
association and desiring His
love and companionship.
(Abdu’l-Baha, Compilations, The Importance of
Obligatory Prayer and Fasting)
Keyvan Geula LMFT
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
Expression of Acceptance of
Influence
“I implore Thee by the Ocean of Thy
mercy and the Daystar of Thy grace to
do with Thy servant as Thou willest
andKeyvan
pleasest.”
Keyvan Geula LMFT
Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
Obligatory prayer Declares the Supremacy of
our Relation to the Beloved
For a lover, there is no greater pleasure than to converse
with his beloved,
•and for a seeker, there is no greater bounty than intimacy
with the object of his desire.
(Compilations, The Importance of Obligatory Prayer and Fasting)
Keyvan Geula LMFT
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
The Daily Communion with the Beloved
Satisfies our Longing for Belonging
• It is the greatest longing of every soul who is
attracted to the Kingdom of God to find time
to turn with entire devotion to his Beloved, so
as to seek His bounty and blessing and
immerse himself in the ocean of communion,
entreaty and supplication.
(Compilations, The Importance of Obligatory Prayer and Fasting)
We get a divine Hug every day
Keyvan Geula LMFT
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
We Need a hug from the Beloved
and the Concourse every day to
feel resilient
Keyvan Geula LMFT
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
I beseech Thee by them Who are the Day-Springs of
Thine invisible Essence, the Most Exalted, the AllGlorious,
To make my prayer a fire that will burn away the
veils which have shut me out from Thy beauty
Keyvan Geula LMFT
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
The best available evidence supports a positive
association between religiousness and spirituality,
with higher well-being and positive affect, and a
negative association with depressive and anxiety
symptoms.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18765136
Keyvan Geula LMFT
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
Obligatory Prayer Can Transform Our Character
• “The inestimable value of religion is that when a man is vitally
connected with it, through a real and living belief in it and in the
Prophet Who brought it, he receives a strength greater than his
own which helps him to develop his good characteristics and
overcome his bad ones.
• The whole purpose of religion is to change not only our
thoughts but our acts;
• when we believe in God and His Prophet and His Teachings, we
are growing, even though we perhaps thought ourselves incapable
of growth and change!"
(From a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer,
October 3, 1943) (Compilations, Lights of Guidance, p. 208)
Keyvan Geula LMFT
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
Praying Means Letting go of our Wayward
Thoughts and Let God in, Like the bird fluffing
its wings
• The true worshipper, while praying, should
endeavour not so much to ask God to fulfil his
wishes and desires, but rather to adjust these and
make them conform to the Divine Will.
• Only through such an attitude can one derive that
feeling of inner peace and contentment which the
power of prayer alone can confer.
(From a letter dated 26 October 1938 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual
believer)
Keyvan Geula LMFT
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
Attitude of Submission and Learning to
accept influence
• Behold me standing ready to do Thy will and Thy
desire, and wishing naught else except Thy good
pleasure.
• do with Thy servant as Thou willest and pleasest.
• Whatsoever is revealed by Thee is the desire of my
heart and the beloved of my soul.
Keyvan Geula LMFT
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
Relying on the Strength of Our Relation with the
Beloved, we Manage to keep out the 4 horses
• If man were to care for himself only he would be
nothing but an animal for only the animals are thus
egoistic. (‘Abdu’l-Baha: Foundations of World Unity, p. 42)
• The most hateful characteristic of man is
faultfinding.
• One must expose the praiseworthy qualities of the
souls and not their evil attributes, The friends
must overlook their shortcomings and faults and
speak only of their virtues and not their defects.
Keyvan Geula
LMFT Lights of Guidance,
Keyvan Geula
(Multiple
authors:
p.LMFT
91)
www.cgie.org/blog
Shared deep sense of meaning
• In the strongest marriages, husband and
wife share a deep sense of meaning. They
don’t just “get along”- they also support
each other’s hopes and aspirations and build
a sense of purpose into their lives together.
That is really what I mean when I talk about
honoring and respecting each other.
Gottman the 7 principles for making
marriage work. P. 23
Keyvan Geula LMFT
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
Revealed Prayers opens our eyes to spiritual
intelligence by facilitating:
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
Cognitive appraisal and reframing
Right and left brain integration
Thinking before acting
Seeing the end at the beginning
Putting meaning at the heart of our relations.
Practice accepting influence
Consulting with divine spirit
Seeing no evil and hearing no evil
Keyvan Geula LMFT
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
Realizing that; “Nothing
save that which profiteth
We Practice the Four qualities which He loved
1 Enthusiasm and courage;
2 A face wreathed in smiles and a radiant
countenance;
3 That they see all things with their own eyes
and not through the eyes of others;
4 The ability to carry a task, once begun,
to its end.”
Keyvan through
Geula LMFT
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
Daily prayers fortifies our Mind and
our Character & help us
• Maintain a good relationship with close family
members, friends and others;
• Avoid seeing crisis or stressful events as
unbearable problems;
• Accept circumstances that cannot be changed;
• Develop realistic goals and move towards
them.
Keyvan Geula LMFT
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
Reciting the Divine Words Helps us to:
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
connect with the True One
Seek His nearness
Converse with the true Beloved
Ask for His love
Ask for His companionship
Express humility before Him
Express submissiveness to His Will
Connect with the rest of His creation
Ask favors for our loved ones
Attain spiritual station
Learn the language of intimacy
Learn of our greatest longing
Become aware of the mysteries of who we are, what to focus on and
how to feel
• Awaken
toLMFT
the mysteries ofKeyvan
relation
with others and with our Lord
Keyvan Geula
Geula LMFT
• Fulfill our covenantal dutieswww.cgie.org/blog
Thank you
Keyvan Geula LMFT
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
Keyvan Geula LMFT
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
Possible Pairs
ye are the stars in the skies of
God's compassion,
Make my prayer a fire
ye are clouds of divine pity over
the gardens of life,
Ye are the birds that soar upward
into the firmament of knowledge,
the royal falcons on the wrist of
God.
Keyvan Geula LMFT
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
Attitude of submission
I implore Thee by the Ocean of Thy mercy and the
Daystar of Thy grace
to do with Thy servant as Thou willest and pleasest.
‫ﮏ ِﺑﺎ َ ْﻥ ﺗ َ ْﻔﻌَ َﻞ‬
ْ َ‫َﻤﺲ ﻓ‬
ِ ‫ﮏ َﻭ ﺷ‬
َ ‫ﻀ ِﻠ‬
َ ‫ﺤﺮ َﺭ ْﺣ َﻤ ِﺘ‬
َ ُ‫ﺍَﺳﺄﻟ‬
ِ َ‫ﮏ ِﺑﺒ‬
‫ﺿﯽ‬
ُ ‫ک ﻣﺎ ﺗ ُ ِ ّﺤ‬
َ ‫ﺐ َﻭ ﺗ َ ْﺮ‬
َ ‫ِﺑﻌَﺒ ِﺪ‬
Keyvan Geula LMFT
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog
Prayer reveals the mystery of
love
• As we learn how to tune the cords of our heart
and desires with the help of the divine
conductor in the Obligatory Prayer, we learn
how to love and to be loved.
• We learn the magic of the transforming love
triangle in our relationships.
• We say: “Do not look upon my hopes and my
doings, nay rather look upon Thy Will…”
Keyvan Geula LMFT
Keyvan Geula LMFT
www.cgie.org/blog