Freddy vs. Jason vs. Rambo Takes Top Spot at Box Office The

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Freddy vs. Jason vs. Rambo Takes Top Spot at Box Office The
Jumping Car?!
By Liz Fujita ~ Daily Bull
The world has been dreaming
of flying cars since the dawn of
futuristic films. So far, it hasn’t
been practical to assume that
cars will be cruising in special
lanes above the rest of us, but
the world may yet see real-life
leapfrog on the freeway.
Popular car manufacturer
Subaru announced recently
that it’s going to rally for Leap
Zones – similar to passing
lanes, these would be stretches of road where drivers could
physically jump over slower
traffic. What’s the catch? You
would have to be an owner
of their soon-to-be-released
vehicles, the Kangaru.
Basically, the Kangaru propels
the driver through the air at
the touch of a button. Provided said driver is moving fast
enough, the leap should be
feasible. “Kinematics says this
could be possible,” confirmed
several Michigan Tech physics majors. Unfortunately, the
auto industry is working to give
Subaru a sharp reality check.
For instance: what if you go to
jump-pass and the car below
you speeds up?
...see BOING BOING on back
Freddy vs. Jason vs. Rambo Takes Top
Spot at Box Office
The Steaming Pile
Straight From You-Know-Where!
Unknown Pastore Passtimes
By Nathan ‘Invincible’ Miller ~ Daily Bull
The horror-action-slasher thriller Freddy
vs. Jason vs. Rambo rocketed to the
top of the box office charts this past
weekend, blowing past Alice in Wonderland with a weekend gross of $77
million.
“It’s a great honor to
have worked with
such a talented and
botched up group of
writers and developers,” cheers Sylvester
Stallone, who co-directed the bloodbath
along with Ronny Yu.
“A chance to bring
to life a beast like
this only comes along
once in a lifetime.”
Coitus
Particle acceleration
Drinking. Heavily.
Physics problems
Death laser building
Prank calling
Mr. MTU Nomination
Lion Taming
Wedding Crashing
Iron Cheffing
Clubbing
Knitting
Privateering
Throwing down phat beats
Hairdresser
Circus Clown
Experiment on Kittens
Fight Ghost with Particle Beams
Play badminton with a real birdie
Rubidium + Water
Showering in Nuclear Waste
Off-road rocket riding
LARP
undead dream killer proceeds to slaughter an untold number of Springwood
residents, much to the chagrin of Rambo.
“This guy’s seen a lot in his day, but
this takes the cake,” Stallone explains
at a Hollywood press
conference. “All he
knows is that he’s gotta
get those civilians outta
there or they’re toast.
It’s do or die time, and
no hockey mask wearing freak is gonna show
up John Rambo’s machete wielding skills.”
The climactic battle
between the three experienced killers takes
place in an abandoned warehouse near
Crystal Lake, where Rambo ambushed
Voorhees in a pit-fall type trap. Sensing
an opportunity to put them both in an
early grave, Freddy swoops in to slash
their throats. Unfortunately for him,
Rambo pulls around his M60 machine
gun in the nick of time and gives the
otherworldly demon a taste of cold,
American lead. The critics rave.
I SAID NO PICKELS!!!
Stallone also plays the part of John
Rambo, a Vietnam War veteran who
becomes sucked into the nightmarish
drama of the Crystal Lake/Springwood
area. While stopping at a small diner,
the hardened soldier witnesses the
grisly slaying of a convertible full of
teenagers by Jason Voorhees, setting
off a string of events that leads to the
reawakening of Freddy Krueger. The
...see Showdown on back
bullhead.gif says: I’m so hungry that a
seismometer in Haiti recorded my
stomach growling. Sorry guys.
Futterwacking
Slaying Jabberwockies
Das boot!
Loving all that you can teach
Sacrificing Fundies
Exploiting the internet
Hacking the CIA
Enjoying caviar on Sundays
Assassinating Russian Presidents
Changing Global Climate
Applied Ichthyology
Applied Sodomy
Brewing Hard Cider
Sitting on Pillows
Praying to the Moon
Cardio (damn zombies)
Experimental Bakery
Drinking Bad Coffee
Reading Secret Documents
Climbing Buildings
Fetishistic Lasering
Fighting for Science and Honor
Electromancy
PIZZA
Mo’ Better Pizza!
482-5100
won’t remember. Discount only on pizza and no extra discount
on specials or with a coupon. And no discounts if you piss us off!
I am not a demon. I am a lizard,
a shark, a heat-seeking panther.
I want to be Bob Denver on acid
playing the accordion.
~ Nicolas Cage
The Daily Bull is probably not suitable for those under age 18 and should not be taken seriously... like Stalin posters!
10%
STUDENT DISCOUNT!
But you gotta ask for it and show us your MTU ID—because we
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
BUL L
THE
D
AILY
Sunshine’s Searcher: Cooking Herbs and Spices
...Showdown from front
“With a body count of 863, how can
you go wrong?” ~ Rotten Tomatoes
“Arguably the most chaotic and action
packed thriller since Band of Slaugh- “Blood bath? More like blood tidal
ters.” ~ The New York Times
wave!” ~ Playboy Magazine
“An outstanding piece of American After its stunning opening weekend,
cinema; 5 stars!” ~ Entertainment Freddy vs. Jason vs. Rambo promises
Weekly
to hold the top spot for weeks to
come, as both word of mouth and
a lack of worthy competitors pave
the way for continued success. With
a budget of nearly $110 million likely
ZE LITTLE
EDITOR IN CHIEF & BOSS MAN
COMP EDITOR
to be recouped by the end of its first
Nathan “Invincible” Miller
Liz Fujita
week, movie distributor Lionsgate
FACULTY
STILL CREEPY
ADVISOR
Michael Jackson
should see healthy profits of its latest
david vs olson
Rambo installment.
Nathan “Invincible” Miller, Liz Fujita, Jeremy “Mr. Sunshine” Loucks,
Daily Bull
Simon Mused, John Pastore, Matt Villa, Mary Kennedy, Ruben Garcia,
Kiri Kennedy, Benjamin Loucks, Tyler Botbyl, Lauren Allen, Jon “Big-O”
Mahan, Alec Hamer, Phil Pomber, Stephen Whittaker, Sam Schall,
Sandra Custer, Frank McGuire, Mike Cardwell, Bryne Judy, and a cell
phone ring tone of DOOM.
©2010 by the Daily Bull, a non-profit organization. All rights reserved.
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Advertising inquiries, questions &
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“I was so excited to see Rambo annihilate Jason with that dynamite truck
that I went and saw it in 3-D at an IMAX
theater!” exclaims Ruben Garcia, a rabid fanboy of the Rambo series. “Even
at $15 a ticket, it was sooo worth it.”
Early industry reports indicate that
the limited edition Blu-Ray Death Pack
Bundle will include 100 rounds of
.50-caliber ammunition, a pocket
machete stained with real blood, and
a sweater knitting instruction guide.
ALKANET
ALLSPICE
ANGELICA
APPLE MINT
AVOCADO LEAF
BARBERRY
BASIL
BAY LEAF
...BOING BOING from front
Well, Generic Man, if that were the
case, a jumping Subaru Kangaru would
almost certainly land squarely on top of
the car it tried to pass, squishing both
vehicles and their drivers into metallic
flap jacks. Since the car only promises
hops, there will be no jet boosters to
ensure a safe landing. Experts do say,
however, that finger-crossing has been
relatively effective in preventing “belly
flops.” Prayer is still being investigative,
since results are shotty.
BERGAMOT
BLACK PEPPER
CAMPHOR LAUREL
CAPERS
“We saw in a couple of test runs that
drivers would jump and land their car
on top of another intentionally,” explained Subaru affiliate Philip Nash.
“Then, when the two cross the finish
line, there’s no way of knowing who
won!” Both drivers in the test run are
in intensive care; doctors are working
hard to flatten them out from their Looney Tunes accordion-style injuries.
Somehow overlooked is the idea of
tangential motion, which would lead to
real-life Final Destination scenes if drivAnother problem with the idea of a ers passed during a turn.
Kangaru is its potential for abuse by
NASCAR drivers. Subaru does manu- The last problem Subaru test drivers
facture racing cars, but representatives discovered was that Leap Zones would
insist that jumping would be far too have to be placed on very long stretchdangerous at those velocities. In addi- es of straight road. After bypassing a
tion, having a car with a bit of bounce slowpoke, the last thing anyone would
could lead to unfair race results.
want to see beneath them would be
CAROB
CATNIP
CAYENNE PEPPER
CHICORY
CHIPOTLE
CHIVES
CILANTRO
CINNAMON
CLOVE
CORIANDER
CULANTRO
CUMIN
CURRY LEAF
DILL SEED
ELDER FLOWER
FENNEL
FINGERROOT
GALANGAL
GARLIC
GINGER
GRAINS OF PARADISE
GROUND IVY
HOPS
HORSERADISH
JASMINE
JIMBU
JUNIPER BERRY
KENCUR
KOKAM SEED
LAVENDER
LEMON BALM
MACE
MAHLAB
MARSH MALLOW
MESQUITE
MUSTARD
NIGELLA
NUTMEG
OLIDA
OREGANO
PANDAN
PAPRIKA
PARSLEY
PEPPERMINT
POPPY SEED
ROSEMARY
RUE
SAFFRON
SAGE
SAVORY
SESAME SEED
SORREL
SPEARMINT
SUMAC
TARRAGON
THYME
VANILLA
WASABI
WATERCRESS
WINTERGREEN
WORMWOOD
ZEDOARY
*Bonus: My favorite chef, who likes
to “BAM! Kick it up
a notch!”*
Brought to you by Jeremy ‘Mr. Sunshine’ Loucks
the road curving away to the left – landing in a bog may be less painful, but it
hampers one’s ability to reach a destination. A group of four damp test-pilots
chimed, “Unless they’re giving the Kangaru functional legs or a prehensile tail,
landing in a ditch, swamp, woods, or
lava pit is going to be a huge hazard.”
Subaru has reluctantly agreed to postpone the release of the Kangaru until further tests are done to improve its usability. In the meantime, competitor Suszuki
plans to unveil a smart car that can slither
beneath semi-trucks when passing lanes
aren’t available, and Toyota wants to improve its design for a motorcycle unicycle. Regardless of which (if any) are
released, travelers nationwide should
be advised to use other means of transit, and remember that sometimes, futuristic innovation is just plain stupid.