Another preachy cover editorial…..

Cover penciled by Darren Neff,
inked by Kort Fox
INKER’S NOTES:
a)
Note: Ball being
“thrown” by “catcher’s” mitt.
By the by, this was inked as
originally drawn.
b) The word “deployed” was
originally written as
“beployed”. If it was
intended to be
“beployed”, I apologize
for changing it.
c) What!? I tried to translate
it into English, but failed.
What is in the picture is
exactly what I was given.
I apologize…. To the
reader.
d) D’s Potato Shaped
Spaceship… OF DOOM
was originally “D’s
Potato Shapped Spaceship
of Doom and was only
vaguely ovid in shape. I
took some artistic liberty
here, and I do not
apologize.
e) Original text changed for
clarity, but basic idea
remains--- No apology
needed.
And a general note that the
onomatopia found in this
picture were added by me.
Again, I claim artistic liberty
and do not apologize
Another preachy cover editorial…..
Hiya, folks. Lot has happened since the last issue. My cat, which I’d had since I was 13, died. When I get up the emotional energy to
do so, you’ll hopefully see a nice tribute to her in these pages. I quit my job and am going back to school. And, most cataclysmic, I shaved my
beard AND got contacts. (MY FACE IS GONE! Steph Gage says I look like Fone Bone now…)
And, I’ve been clinically depressed. Chock it up to the fact that I’m living alone again, ot the weather, or stress. Who knows?
Hopefully it’ll pass. A lot of people have suggested I take medications when I get like this. I think this is bull, so pardon me while I step up on
my soap box for a moment: What pass has our society come to, when we give the “mentally ill” the same drugs our law enforcement officers
arrest people for selling and snorting at raves? And what kind of society have we become when we define bouts with depression--- bouts I’m
sure everyone reading this has experienced--- as “mental illness”? We live in a society where, as Morgan Johnson recently put it “If you’re not
sick there’s something wrong with you.” We have a diagnosis and corresponding drug for everything. If you’re shy, you have “social anxiety
disorder” and should be taking Paxil. Haven’t you seen those commercials? Doesn’t Paxil look cool? If your child is louder, more easily bored,
or (gasp) smarter than the other kids, he has “Attention Deficit Disorder”, and should be given Ritalin. Which is funny, because, outside of the
first grade classroom, Ritalin is little more than the poor man’s cocaine. I know. I’ve been to drug parties in low-income neighborhoods. If
you’re obsessive, anti-social, and have trouble making emotional connections to people, you’re not an asshole or a guy who needs to work to
resolve his issues. You just have Asperg’s syndrome. Really. The examples could go on and on.. The appeal of the “diagnose and medicate
everything” movement is obvious--- when you’re mismanaging your life or failing to accomplish your goals, it’s no longer your fault. But the
pharmaceutical and self-help book industry overlooked one thing: If your problems are an innate disease rather than your own doing, you can’t
do anything about them, and the second your magic psychotropic beans fail to yield beanstalks of happiness, you’re fucked. And fail the pills
do. The reported incidents of depression, shyness and social hostility have NOT gone down since the advent of the psychopharmaceutical
revolution. If anything, they’ve gone up.
Even if it COULD be held true that pills work--- if the only thing that can solve your problems is a drug, how hollow is that? If your
shyness is making you unbearably lonely--- throw out those pills and go out there and FORCE yourself to talk to someone new. If your
unchecked rudeness is making people avoid you, return that book on Asperg’s syndrome to the library and try to be a bit less rude. After all,
victory tastes a helluva lot sweeter when you’ve earned it.
Next page, by the by, is page 1 of the SECOND adventure of Pig, “Pig Goes to the Dentist”, printed without a title logo or credits, for
aesthetic reasons. Special thanks to Dr. Tony Sanchez who commissioned me to draw it as a promotion for his dental practice in Neilsville, and
to Noah Kraus and the West Boys (Chris and Spindle) for encouraging me to chronicle the continuing adventures of Pig and Boy. Enjoy the
issue.
---David Recine, winterish, 2004
Special random
Pin-up
Artwork section (next three pages)
Pin-up no. 1:
Justin Otto as the
Cheshire Cat
Drawn by Rachel
Rindo
Pin-up no. 2
(Craig Sieracki and Alex Jenne as superheroes drawn by me)
Pin-up no. 3 (Proposed collage motif look for Fanboy created by Sarah Edwards)
SOMETHING STRANGE by Derek Settergren
Drawn at the
Joynt
featuring
Ian Betsinger
Buttons by Jim Engel
A smattering of random sketches I’ve been wanting to use for years by David Recine
THE FINAL EPISODE OF THE TOWNY
Ducky finished her sentence. “It’s as if we’re all
Pupper sat in Racy D’Lene’s coffee house,
speaking with the same whiny, nihilistic voice. Helpless at
surrounded by his friends. David and Ducky were having a
the hands of a creator who’s gotten sick of writing us. Or
coffee chugging contest. His girlfriend Shelley was by his
drawing us. Or whatever.”
side. He did not look at them, though. He stared intently at
Pupper’s head snapped back toward his computer
his laptop computer with cellular Internet, searching
screen. He had hacked the defense system computers on a
databases for news about the general condition of the world,
hunch. He wasn’t sure why. Doom WAS in the offing.
and browsing newsgroups on metaphysics. The Internet had
“Guys, guys!! Look!”, Pupper pointed to the monitor, and
always been a solace to him when he felt out of sorts. As of
explained. “Area 52 in Park Falls, Wisconsin just accidently
late, Pupper had been plagued by an overwhelming feeling
fired off a new experimental ‘mini-nuke’, big enough to
that the fabric of the reality occupied by his friends and
destroy all life in one small building. It’s going to impact in
himself was disintegrating and that doom was in the offing.
30 seconds, and according to the coordinates, it’s going to
He was placing his finger to the pulse of the World Wide
impact at….” He typed frantically. “This coffee shop.”
Web, hoping for confirmation or denial. Either one would at
least partially ease his troubled mind.
Ducky: “It’s as if we’re
David coughed. It was the kind of cough he used
all speaking with the
when he had to say something he felt was important, but was
same whiny, nihilistic
pretty sure everyone else would just think was crazy or
voice. Helpless at the
stupid. Pupper looked up at his high school buddy and
hands of a creator who’s
closest friend. David coughed again. Pupper rolled his eyes.
gotten sick of writing us.
It was going to be a long stupid crazy-sounding soliloquy.
Or drawing us. Or
“Something went wrong somewhere back there,”
Whatever.”
said David, gesturing pointlessly in a random direction.
“We--- all of us, are surrounded by a drab backdrop. There’s
Suddenly, everything began to go whiter. As the
no lighting, minimal substance. It’s like we’re floating in
characters breathed their last, David shouted over to Shelley.
nothingness.” He paused, a pained, confused look on his
“WHERE’S PUTZ?!”
face. Shelley took a breath to speak. David cut her off. “This
“He went to Kerm’s to get Donuts for our coffee!”,
isn’t a metaphor, Shelley. Look around you.” She did. Ducky
Shelley shouted back.
followed suit, then Pupper. The coffee shop had no color.
The room shook and went stark white. Toxic vapor
Pupper and his friends, discovered, to their surprise and
billowed from what used to be the store front.
vague horror, that they had to squint to even see the tables,
Putz walked around the corner, a brown paper sack
fellow patrons and clerks through the looming insatiable
in his hand.
shades of pale grey.
“Hey, everybody, I got us some----“
Shelley spoke up next, recatching her breath, trying
Putz’s flat webbed feet stopped, digging into the
to take the eerie nightmare she had become cognizant of in
asphalt. He stared at the ruins of the coffee house.
stride. She chose her words instinctively. “It’s not just our
“Well SHIT!”, he exclaimed. He shrugged, ate the
surroundings. Our own personalities have become eroded.
donuts as he watched the first fire truck roll in, and walked
It’s like we all think in the same simple way now. Our
away.
dialogue has become indistinct. It’s. It’s----“
Putz Webb Just got out of
… He’ll have to
prison, granted amnesty
deal tactfully
for his crimes, and given a
with all the
new life as a government
people he tried
agent. Life is good, right?
to kill.
Wrong. Because now that
he’s out, he’s got a whole
new host of problems. He’s
got to deal with
disgruntled Russian
expatriots, corrupt Eau
Claire police officers, and
the ruthless beaureaucrats
that run the Catholic
school system in the
diocese of LaCrosse.
Murky
Waters
The (sort of)
sequel to The
Towny
Only in the
UWEC Flip
Side
And, of course…
Consumer Blues Seeing Red
OR
BOYCOTT MEGA FOODS
by: Sofa King Engry
Recently I went to buy a pie
for my mother. Pumpkin to be exact.
She gave me a check from her office
and asked that I go to Mega Foods
and purchase the $8 pie. While
paying with the check, which also has
my mother’s last name on it, and is
the same as mine I was informed that
I could not use my legal Driver’s
License as ID for the check because it
was scuffed and marred. The ID is
over four years old of course it is
scuffed as, I am sure, are the ID’s of
many of our readers. When I asked
why my ID was insufficient, the
Assistant Manager replied that he
could not read my license number. I
told him that I had used the ID many
times to pay for items w/ the exact
same checks, and had in fact used it
to buy alcohol there. The Assistant
Manager informed me (very rudely)
that I am not 21. He must not have
gotten my invitation to my 22nd B-day
party.....so sad.
The ID is over four years
old of course it is scuffed
as, I am sure, are the
ID’s of many of our
readers.
The ID is over four years old
of course it is scuffed as, I am sure,
are the ID’s of many of our readers. I
told him to look again. Later on in
the day he was heard by a family
member of mine as having said “If he
tried to buy alcohol with that I would
confiscate it.” My response to that
statement is this: If anyone ever takes
your real Driver’s License and
refuses to give it back it is called
theft. I would immediately call the
Police and say that someone is
holding my License without my
permission and refuses to return it.
Have a cop come and sort it out. The
numbers on your Driver’s License are
very important. Someone could
make you or I a victim of Identity
Theft with a ‘confiscated’ license.
The numbers on your
Driver’s License are very
important. Someone
could make you or I a
victim of Identity Theft
with a ‘confiscated’
license.
To make a long story not-solong, I wrote a letter to the General
Manager of Mega Foods. He replied
in a prompt manner to my letter, and
in fact called me personally in regards
to questions in my letter. Despite the
cordial way in which he responded,
the General Manager refuted all of
my statements. He defended his
employees and suggested that if my
ID was scuffed I should go to the
DMV and get a replacement. I
replied that I was a student on a fixed
budget and that unless my license
was lost or stolen that the DMV
would charge me twenty plus dollars
for a replacement. To that the
General Manager replied: “Maybe
you should tell them that you lost it.”
This struck me as odd. What reason
would this man have for more or less
telling me to LIE to the DMV?
Furthermore why should I go to the
trouble of replacing my identification
when I can read it perfectly fine? The
customer service angle of business is
nearly extinct. When buying alcohol
at Mega Foods, they will say that it is
store policy to check the ID’s of
everyone with the person buying the
alcohol to make sure all parties are 21
This means that a mother or father
buying alcohol with a child would
need the child’s ID checked also and
therefore would not be able to buy the
alcohol because the child is not 21.
The fact is there is no law in
Wisconsin that says everyone with
the person buying alcohol must be 21.
That is a Mega Foods Store Policy.
Their liability ends when they check
the ID of the person who is buying
the alcohol and verify that they are in
fact 21. If that person chooses to
break the law after leaving the store
that is the person’s problem. I
understand the need to protect our
youth from the effects of smoking
and alcohol and I in no way condone
minors drinking alcohol. I also
understand that there is a point at
This struck me as odd.
What reason would this
man have for more or
less telling me to LIE to
the DMV?
which you have to ask yourself. How
much am I going to let people give
me shit because my ID got dropped
and scuffed in the four years that I
have had it. I am tired of dealing
with store policies that harass me. I
would like to tell everyone who likes
to buy alcohol and is of age to
boycott Mega Foods especially their
liquor department and ESPECIALLY
if you have someone with you (who
may or may not be 21).
Pop-ups popping up all over town
By Darren Neff
A local Eau Claire man is missing after apparently being
driven to madness by his computer. Authorities are investigating
this unusual case, but have not yet released any information
regarding this man’s fate or any information regarding what
actually took place on Eau Claire’s west side last night.
From neighbor’s accounts, Slim Dee was usually a quiet
fellow, but last night was an exception. Flynn Dooreman, Slim’s
neighbor, reported that he was awakened at approximately 1:30 am
to the sound of frenzied screaming. “I woke up suddenly, and was
like, ‘What’s up?” said Dooreman. Dooreman continued, “Then I
heard what sounded like a wounded animal yelping. I opened up
my window and saw Slim running wildly around his yard, being
chased by his dog, Yappy.”
Officer John Stern, the resident expert in abnormal canine
activities, said that he didn’t think that the Yappy was the cause of
the apparent distress. He said, “Dogs like Yappy usually are
content chewing on a bone and drinking out of a toilet bowel. I
just don’t see how this beast could be able to manipulate this poor
man in such a way that he would be driven out of his mind.”
The initial police report affirms this conclusion, that the dog
was not responsible.
“The initial police report
affirms this conclusion, that the
dog was not responsible.”
___________________________________________________________________
After the first assessment of the scene, a computer expert was
called on the scene to examine Dee’s computer. Their expert
declined to comment, but Jimmy John, a self-proclaimed computer
expert had this to say. He said, “I think that Dee is an evil
computer hacker, and somehow he got a virus through his
computer that made him go mad.”
George Gray, an expert on abnormal computer related
activities, commented on why he thought Dee went crazy. Gray
said, “These things always happen.”
In explanation, Gray explained that it was all about the pop-up
messages on Dee’s computer. Gray’s opinion is that Dee started
out receiving annoying pop up messages while surfing the internet.
Among them must have been a few advertising anti-pop up
software advertisements. Dee, being under the impression that he
could eliminate these annoying messages, fell for it and bought a
subscription for one of these services. Then, almost instantly, all of
the other anti-pop up services found out that Dee was in the market
for an anti-pop up software, so he was bombarded with anti-pop up
pop up messages, probably ten times the number he had been
receiving before.
Then, almost instantly, all of
the other anti-pop up services
found out that Dee was in the
market for an anti-pop up
software, so he was bombarded
with anti-pop up pop up
messages, probably ten times
the number he had been
receiving before.
Dee probably decided that if he bought all of these, then he
would finally be free of these messages. Gray explained that
though before Dee had only been battling real honest pop ups, now
he was dealing with harder and colder pop up messages in the
guise of anti-pop up pop up messages, all promising to eliminate
pop ups.
But the more subscriptions Dee purchased, the more of these
pop ups he received. This is in part due to the free market
economy we have in the States, where supply is driven by demand.
Since the companies perceived that Dee was increasing the
demand, they created more and better versions of their pop up
services for his consumption.
Gray concluded by saying, “Eventually Dee was getting so
many pop ups advertising anti-pop up software that it was humanly
impossible to close all of the extra windows. There must have
been five per second, and this made surfing the internet or doing
anything on the computer impossible. It would take a week to
close all of those windows after stopping the problem.”
But since the police have declined to comment, there is no
hard evidence as to why Dee went crazy or what actually
happened. But on a lighter note, sixteen families stepped forward
to adopt Yappy, Dee’s dog. The humane society arrived on the
scene early on and took charge, taking names of people interested
in the dog.
But nobody has heard from or seen Dee since these activities,
but it seems that they haven’t really looked for him either. We
speculate that the computer is ruined, but the dog is fine.
___________________________________________________________________
But on a lighter note, sixteen
families stepped forward to
adopt Yappy, Dee’s dog.
FANBOY CRITIC
1) Cover art: by Abbey Rindo
I like the picture, but
haven’t the foggiest idea who
Tom York is. I probably
should, but mother doesn’t let
me out much.
2) Cover editorial: by Dave
Recine
This new “Happy-Dave”
tone is kinda hard for me to
cope with. I much prefer
Dave’s usual “I’m-ReallyPathetic-But-My-SelfDepricating-Humor-MakesMe-Cute-And Likeable-Right?”
style of writing much more. I
think he should stick to that.
(Fuck you, Kort. ---The
Editor)
3) The Sex Pen: by Recine, Rindo,
and Others
This was really just filler
and not really worth critiquing.
By the by though, Heidi
Jackson’s Chineses symbols
here are loosely translated as:
“My boyfriend is queer. Please
end me.”
4) On Rational Self Interest: by
Sean Deardorff
Good points and wellwritten. I was surprised by how
many people commented on
this essay--- Especially when
you consider it was a two and a
half page rant about “Action”
and “Reform” and
“Revolution” written by a pothead who rarely even makes it
off the couch. Then I realized
most of the people commenting
on it were lazy pot-heads, so
my world view was quickly put
to right.
5) The Towny: by Dave Recine
Sometimes I wonder how
insanely happy Dave would be
if anthropomorphic ducks and
by Kort Fox
dogs were real. Then I wonder
if maybe they are real… to him.
6)
7)
8)
9)
10)
This issue featured the fine work of: Darren Neff,
Kort Fox, David Recine, Kris Bishop, Rachel Rindo,
Sarah Edwards, Erik Meyer, Derek Settergren, Ian
Betsinger, Jim Engel, and Sofa King Engry.
FOR FANBOY:
David Recine: editor in chief, publisher
Darren Neff: editor emeritus
Chris Decker and Nate LeBarron: Co-founders
A) Crossing Death’s Path at
Night: by L. Edgar Otto
I liked it. That’s why I
agreed to wield my God-like
powers of illustration for this
story…. heh, heh… Yeah,
anyway. The story has this
“Film-noir” vibe to it that I
really dug. Leonard also has a
kinda “Film-noir-esqueness” to
him--- except, of course, that
he’s actually in color.
B) The illustration: by Me
You’ll note the distinct
lack of a horse in the picture.
This was not due to the fact that
the horse in the story was a
typo by Dave and not intended
by Mr. Otto [[Sad but true, it
was supposed to read
“LOOSE and large robe, not
HORSE and large robe. ---the
editor]] No, there is no horse
cuz I can’t fuckin’ draw
horses and I got lazy. So my
critique on me is: I suck.
Radio Free Poetry: by Patrick
Corey
Who the fuck cares!? Not
about Mr. Corey, I’m sure he’s
tits(1), but about poetry in
general.
The Top Ten List of Lethargy,
and anything else by Darren
Neff. This kid proves,
undeniably, that God and rockcocaine should NEVER be
mixed. Stick with the cocaine,
Darren. (The Jibe on Dave
Carpenter was good though.)
Stickman: by Erik “Speedro”
Meyer
I’ve always thought the
Stick-Boy was totally kikzshit(2)
If You’re so Smart, Why Don’t
You Have a Column?: by Jon
11)
12)
13)
14)
15)
Hames
I actually really liked this. I
thought it was well-written and
very funny. Which is odd, cuz
I’ve always thought Jon Hames
was kind of pointless human
being.
True Idiot Drinkin’ Stories: by
David Recine
Dave, get laid, NOW!
Seriously. Like, right now! You
need it. Really. No joke. (No,
really. FUCK YOU KORT!!!
--- the editor)
Fax from California: by J.M.
Hunter
I don’t listen to hip-hop.
A Baby is Born: by
Anonymous
Kill it, stop the cycle.
The Lottery: by Darren Neff
Nope, didn’t even read it.
(Nor # 12 or # 13 either, to be
honest--- # 12 and # 13 because
I’m lazy, “The Lottery”
because Darren is astoundingly
not tits.)
President Shit: by Anonymous
Good. Except it’s the
fucking “AMBER ALERT”
system, you gargantuanhemmoroid-pinching moron!
(note: This is funny cuz the reference
to the “Code Adam” thing at the very
end of this article has nothing to do
with the actual merit of the article.
Nor do I actually care about this little
misnomer, but acting like I cared is
hyperbole, and really quite witty,
right? C’Mon, “Hemmoroid pinching
moron”? That’s comedy…. Ah,
FUCK OFF! All of you!)]
16) Ugly American, by Dale Nixon
Good shit, but what I really
loved was Dale’s e-mail
address. It’s so true.
Footnotes:
(1) Tits: (titz) Adj: meaning
“Bitchin”, “Boss”, “Rad”,
“RillyKool”, etc.
(2) See “tits”
A few apologies:
I accidently omitted the fourth footnote from Dale Nixon’s
piece last issue. It was the same cited source as the third
footnote. I also put a typo in Leonard’s story, mentioned
above. I also misspelled Thom Yourke’s name. I apologize to
all the emo-boys who were left crying in their mother’s
basements, traumatized by my insensitivity. In my defense, it’s
not like I listen to Radiohead.