Issue5 - John Abbott College

bandersnatch
You will waterfall to your die since 1971
Wednesday, November 3rd, 2010
Volume 40, Issue 5
In This Issue
Restore Sanity Rally
Page 5
The rally was a satire of Glenn
Beck’s Rally to Restore Sanity, but
that is not to say the Colbert-Stewart
rally did not have a serious undertone: in reacting to the pressure of
the upcoming congressional election
in the United States. The comedians
felt the American media’s hyperbolic
tendencies destroy any hope of having a reasonable debate.
Christine O’Donnell
Page 9
“Psychics put people in spiritual
harm, the same way pimps put people in physical harm.” Politically
Incorrect, 1998.
Let’s hope she doesn’t run into a
New Orleans’ psychic pimp. They’re
everywhere.
2012 Olympics
Page 11
There is already so much to say
about the London 2012 Games. The
location itself is incredibly exciting, owing to the world-renowned
national pride of the British; a
competitive and multi-talented host
nation will be perfect for setting the
standard of competition.
Sections
Campus Life...................... 1
News .................................. 5
Entertainment................... 6
Games ............................... 7
Arts .................................... 8
Opinions............................. 9
Sports................................. 10
Preparing for the Exit Exam
Neil Briffett
Contributor
“What? On top of all my classes, I
have to write a 4-hour test to get out
of CEGEP?”
Relax. Take it easy. Don’t worry.
Chances are you will be included in
the 90% of JAC students who pass this
exam the first time they write it. So
stay calm and read on!
For over a decade, the English Exit
Exam has been the price tens of thousands of students have had to pay in order to graduate from CEGEP. Students
from all over Québec have the option
of writing the exam in May, August or
December (the next one takes place
December 15th).
What exactly is the EEE? Well, you
have to write a short essay analyzing
a text of your choosing. You have a
choice of 3 texts, which are usually
either two short stories and an essay
or two essays and a short story.
You are marked according to very
specific criteria: Comprehension &
Insight (how well you understo o d
the text you read), Organization of
Response (how well you organized your
essay) and Expression (how well you
wrote). An A, B or C in any of those
categories is a pass; a D, E, or F in any
category, and you fail the exam. Don’t
despair if this happens as you will have
opportunities to rewrite it.
How can you prepare? Well, you
have a lot of options here at JAC. The
first one is The Learning Centre which
gives many workshops in the weeks
prior to the exam (the next group will
start the week of November 15th and go
right up until the exam on December
15th). Sign up for one because all workshops are free. Another option is to go
to The Learning Centre website where
we have copies of stories and essays
used in previous
exams. Read one,
tr y writing an
essay on it, then
br i ng it t o T h e
Read/Write L ab
(H-111) where
w e c a n l o o k at
it and point out
its strengths and
weaknesses. Some
English teachers
give mock exams
in the last weeks
of classes so that’s
yet another way of
preparing. Lastly,
bring samples of
your w r it ing to
the student tutors
i n T h e Wr it i n g
Centre or The
Let my children go!
Serag Bulur
Games & Tech Editor
For those of you who don’t know,
our Bandersnatch office rests ever so
closely to the Free the Children clubroom. Usually, that room is locked
and whenever there is someone there
it’s because I’m dreaming it. Recently,
however, there has been a flurry of
people entering and leaving, moving
furniture and sanitising the crap out of
that room. What I thought were Free
the Children members were actually
JACtivists taking reign over the seemingly abandoned club room. I spoke to
many colleagues about the recent state
of Free the Children but none could really give me accurate answers. And so,
since I love playing pretend journalist
for the paper, I thought I’d ask the hard
hitting questions to those in charge of
the club.
1. How do you free children?
2. Statistically, just how many have
you freed?
3. Why did you give our clubroom
really kickass army men and toy race
cars?
4. Is that how you free children?
5. Just kidding... No, I’m not.
6. What sort of filing system do you
have for the children?
7. Why do you guys have a bag full
of lighters? Was it for a campaign? A
sexy campaign?
8. Can we have your club room?
9. Wouldn’t joining with JACtivists
be more productive, or are you guys like
Batman and would rather work alone?
10. Technically, being like Batman
Learning Centre.
And - lucky you! – we here at The
Learning Centre have spent the last few
months updating a book that explains
everything – and we mean everything
– you need to know in order to pass.
It’s called Demystifying the English Exit
Exam. There will be a book launch
taking place Thursday, November 11th
from 2:00-4:00 in the Staff Lounge (H101). Come on by, buy a copy, and ask
questions. The book will also be available for sale in The Learning Centre.
makes sense since he usually
has children for sidekicks.
That wasn’t really a question
you don’t have to answer
that.
11. How did the bake
sale go?
12. To test your skills,
I have h i d d e n one ch i l d
somewhere on this planet.
You have 24 hours.
Sadly, I did not get a reply back from any of them,
because they probably realised how stupid it was by the
second question. I don’t blame them, I
wasn’t really expecting a reply anyway.
What’s important is that I sent these
questions and got them printed in this
paper. Hopefully we can actually get
some news on this club because I do
think they stand for a righteous cause
that many people are passionate about.
So if anyone knows anything about the
whereabouts of this club please call us
or e-mail us and send us your information. This is a lot more fun than
asking Bill.
Wednesday November 3rd, 2010 • 1
BANDERSNATCH
John Abbott College
21275 Lakeshore Road
P.O. Box 2000
Sainte-Anne-de-Bellevue,
Quebec, Canada H9X 3L9
Phone: (514) 457-6610 ext. 5389
Fax:
(514) 457-6091
Office: H-041
Web:http://www.bandersnatch.ca/
E-mail:[email protected]
LifeHacks: Super sleeping
Cody Foster-Demeny
Production Manager
So let’s say you’ve just received news that
your boss wants you to work the graveyard
shift at your shitty job, and he says no one
else can do it. He’s offering a compensation
for you if you accept. You decide to take it.
Unfortunately for you, you have class every
day at 8:30. How will you manage to stay
awake and not be a total zombie? It’s quite
simple.
Fortunately for you, eight hours of sleep
is not what you need to feel fully rested. In
fact, you only need a total of two hours of
deep sleep a day to feel like a billion dollars,
though it’s going to take time, discipline and
a few days of sleep depravation to force your
brain into your command.
How, you ask? Well, to put it simply,
there are several stages of sleep. The most
important part, the one that makes you feel
good when you wake up is REM, or Rapid
Eye Movement. This is the stage where your
brain looks the least asleep, because REM is
the time in which dreams occur.
There are a total of six methods of sleeping to get your body’s required two hours of
REM sleep. The first being the only monophasic sleep; a solid block of eight hours of
rest will give you 4 sessions of REM lasting
approximately 30 minutes. Now, this seems
like the most logical, or the only thing we
know… Sadly, we lose the rest of those hours
to unnecessary unconsciousness.
Entering the polyphasic sleeps (meaning,
more than one rest-session) we find our first
sleep pattern; the siesta. We can shave a total
of about an hour and a half off of useless
sleeping by having one 30-minute nap at
6:00 pm, and then a sleep of six hours starting midnight.
The Everyman method has 3 different variations, though they’re just adding
a 30-minute nap every six hours. The
Everyman 2 consists of two twenty minute
naps: one at 12:00 pm, one at 6:00 pm, then
a core sleep of 4.5 hours starting from midnight. E3 consists of three hours core sleep,
and three naps (12:00 pm, 6:00 pm, 6:00
am) meaning you only need four and a half
hours of sleep. Finally, the everyman 4: four
20 minute naps, and 1.5 hours of solid sleep;
nap at 12:00 pm 6:00 pm, sleep at midnight
for an hour and a half, then continue your
morning with naps at 6:00 am and 11:00 am.
Then there’s the Uberman, the ultimate
way to sleep and have absolutely zero time
wasted: one 20-minute nap every four hours.
With this method you can function with no
core sleep required, and only two hours is
needed to function just as any eight-hour
sleeper. You’ll feel refreshed the entire day,
over and over and over again.
The downside to it: If you miss a nap,
you screw yourself, and you wont like having to force yourself through not sleeping. If
you miss a tiny nap, you’ll send your sleep
pattern out of control, and your brain won’t
understand what the hell you just did. This
is because you’ve only decided to sleep at
We’ve got nymphomania!
Jessica Cappuccilli
Sex Columnist
The label “nymphomaniac” is what is
used to describe women who have a sex
addiction. These people are described
as having an “abnormally” high sexual
desire which can lead to promiscuity or
even prostitution. But who decides what
is a normal sexual appetite? Neither sex
addiction nor nymphomania have been
2 • Wednesday November 3rd, 2010
recognized by the DSM IV (Diagnostic and
Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders),
but it is rumoured that at least one of the
two terms, Sexual Addiction, will in fact be
present in the DSM V, which is due to be
released in 2013.
Although the term “sex addict” may
be used to describe both males and females who have high sexual appetites,
why is there a need for another separate
term used simply for women who have a
greater sexual appetites? Is what we call
nymphomania a real
mental disorder, or
is it simply a manmade term, used
to suppress women
who have a higher,
“abnormal”, sexual
appetite than most
others?
The
2008
European film, Diary
of a Nymphomaniac,
tells the story of a
young Spanish woman who suffers from
nymphomania, and
who writes down
all of her exploits.
While her condition
David Alexander
certain periods of time. After forcing your
brain into changing 8 hours of rest into 2
hours of hardcore sleep, you’ve remodeled
the way it thinks of sleep.
On an entirely different note, but still
pertaining to sleep, there’s a way to control
your dreams, and it’s actually quite simple.
First, keep a dream journal; as soon as you
wake up, write down what you remember.
This helps put a stop to repeating dreams,
as most dreams are immediately forgotten.
Second, if you think about exactly what
you want to dream about before you fall
asleep, you’ll most likely dream about it. It’s
like that one time, where you had ice cream
right before bed, and you were savoring the
after-taste. All of a sudden, you blink and
you’re in a damn castle made of chocolate
fudge brownie ice cream.
We can’t really tell if we’re dreaming,
even if you’re standing in the middle of your
workplace being yelled at by your boss (who
is now a dragon) speaking in the voice of
Samuel L. Jackson. In the movie Inception,
they use “totems” to figure out if they’re
dreaming or in reality… Well, this is based
on actual facts. You don’t need an object
that’s significant; you can create a habit like
counting your fingers. When you’re dreaming, you’ll never have all 10 of them.
Oh, and just a little tip. If you know
you’re dreaming, close your dream eyes,
do a full 360 degree spin, and you’ll be in a
completely different dream, with new people, plot, clothes and setting. This is helpful
for nasty nightmares!
Editor-in-Chief
Julien Simard
Assistant Editor-in-Chief
Alexandra Lewyckyj
News Editor
Alex Callard
Campus Life Editor
Patricia Fitzgibbon
Entertainment Editor
Jess Abran
Arts Editor
Tim Gale
Opinions Editor
Serag Bulur
Games and Tech Editor
Henry Park
Sports Editor
Cody Foster-Demeny
Production Manager
Sarah Tayeh
Assistant Production Manager
Julianna Astorino
Office Manager
Nevada McEniry-Hatajlo
Photography Manager
Adam Chan
does in fact lead her to participate in promiscuous activities in the end, including
prostitution, her grandmother brings up
a point that should be considered. When
Val (the nymphomaniac) tries talking
to her about what she is going through,
her dying grandmother responds with,
“Nymphomania, a man’s invention to
make women feel guilty if they break the
rules. Everyone is the way they are. Never
give up anything you really long for, because you’ll regret it. Trust me.”
While sex addiction has been recognized in individuals such as Tiger Woods
as an illness that can be cured through
rehabilitation, why not nymphomania?
Why is the term still used simply to
identify women who have higher sexual
tendencies? Are women not allowed to
have an adventurous sex life, as most men
do? When does it become wrong to long
for a man, or long for the excitement of
a new body?
No matter how much it is frowned
upon to enjoy sex, these women, these
“nymphos”, boldly go out and get what
they want, only succumbing to dangerous behaviour or prostitution when
suppressed, examples of which can be
seen throughout the movie, Diary of a
Nymphomaniac.
Webmaster
Bandersnatch is the student-run Alternative Press at
John Abbott College. It is published every two weeks
and is partially funded by the Student Activities
Commitee and by advertising solicited members.
Submissions are welcome and become property of
Bandersnatch. Submissions must be sent via E-mail
to [email protected] and must be in
Plain Text format (.txt) or Microsoft Word Document
format (.doc). All submissions must include the full
name and telephone number of the contributor, as
well as the e-mail address if applicable. Bandersnatch
reserves the right to reject submissions or to edit
any submissions for length, legality, or clarity.
Submissions should be a maximum of 500 words
but may be printed if they are worthwhile. Spelling
and grammar will not be corrected on submissions
as it is the responsibility of the contributor to
correct them. Submissions should be dropped off
at the Bandersnatch office, located in the basement
of Herzberg, room H-041 (across from the hallway
entrance of The Oval).
Bandersnatch Campus Life
Campus life
Artwork En Masse
Emily Brayton
Staff Writer
Quick Encounters at Abbott
Nevada McEniry-Hatajlo
Photography Manager
I have to admit, when I first heard
about Quick Encounters I was skeptical. I
thought it was weird for students our age
because when I think of speed dating, I
mostly envision divorced men and women
trying to get back into the game. When I
told my friends about it, they dismissed it
automatically. When I told my mom about
it, however, I was pleasantly embarrassed
when she stressed the fact that I should
meet boys and be like everyone else.
Pshhh. I sound very bitter about it, but
in all honesty, it wasn’t that bad. In fact,
Bandersnatch Campus Life
I actually had a good time even though I
went alone.
It was later in the evening, and as I
walked cautiously down the hall to the
Agora, I could already hear the echoed
laughs and chatter of people. I saw some
people I knew from my classes and quickly
joined them. Eventually, some other people came up to us and introduced themselves. I was a little more at ease when I
saw how easy it was to talk to them.
As soon as everyone showed up, the
organizers, Lauren Maloney and Emily
MacGowan, broke out the icebreaker
game. We were given a paper with a word
on it, which was then stuck to our backs.
You were then supposed to go around
to people and ask three
yes/no questions about
your thing, and try and
figure out what it was.
Once you knew what
was stuck to your back,
you had to find the person who had opposite to
your word. For example,
I was “Mac” and another
guy was “Cheese”. It was
structured this way to allow us to meet a specific
person and be able to
talk to them one on one.
After that, everyone
sat down at individual
tables, girls on one side,
guys on the other. We were given 3 minutes to talk to the person that was sitting
in front of you, and once those 3 minutes
were up, all the guys had to rotate to the
next table. You were also given a blank
paper, on which you were supposed to
write down the nicknames of the three
people you enjoyed talking to the most.
After the actual speed dating, the way
it worked was if your nickname was written down by someone else, the organizers
would MIO you with the name of whom
would like to get into contact with you.
Then, if you want to get into contact with
those people, you would MIO the organizers back to get their real names. With
their real names, you could contact them
either via MIO or Facebook.
I wanted to know what caused them to
organize such a quirky activity at Abbott.
Emily said, “Lauren and I came up with
this idea because we had always wanted
to try speed dating, but never really knew
how, so we thought of a more casual version just for people to make friends that
we could try at Abbott.”
It was actually a really amusing experience. I met a lot of really cool people, and
some very... interesting people. I certainly
came out of it with a few stories to tell my
friends. I also heard that they may organize it again, so if you feel as if you need
to come out of your shell a little, I would
certainly recommend you go.
Hello John Abbott!
To start off, SUJAC wants to congratulate the winners of ‘Best Booths’ at our
SUJAC Club Day: Anime and Pagan Clubs.
Well done guys!
John Abbott’s largest fundraiser of the
year—the Loonie Line--was once again a
huge accomplishment. Together we raised
a total of $13,000! This money will help out
our fellow students in need. Thank you
for your generosity and we would also like
to acknowledge the hard work of all our
volunteers.
The Confederation of Anglophone
CEGEPs (COAC) met on Thursday,
October 28 for their second meeting this
year, hosted by the Vanier College Student
Association. The meeting was just as
informative and successful as the first.
In attendance were representatives from
Dawson, Marianopolis, John Abbott and
Vanier Colleges.
Coming up, Remembrance Day will
be on Thursday, November 11. To commemorate those who lost their lives in war,
there will be a minute of silence at 11:00 am
in The Agora.
We hope you are enjoying your semester
and continue to achieve good academic
standing! It is always encouraged to become
involved in everyday school life. Remember
that it is still possible and never too late to
join or start a Club. Come visit us in the
SUJAC Office, P-101, or see Jill Gowdey in
Student Activities.
Wednesday November 3rd, 2010 • 3
Far beyond the Jolly Roger
Louisa Bielig
Staff writer
October 24, ca. 1200 miles from the
Somali coast. Pirates in small motor boats
approach the cargo ship Beluga Fortune to
hijack it. Following the alarm, the sixteen
crew members make a quick emergency
call and flee into the panic room where
they disable the ship’s electronics and
bridge so that the pirates can’t navigate
the ship closer to the coast. Following
the emergency call, a British warship approached the captured cargo, causing the
pirates to flee and the crew to be released.
While this is a clear success for the
German shipping company which invested millions in training its crews for
hijacking incidences, not all ships are that
lucky: just a day before, the LNG tanker
York was successfully captured ca. 90 km
from the Kenyan coast and has been manoeuvred towards the Somali coast. The
Greek shipping company responsible for
it soon received a call from the captain
who assured them that the crew was fine,
considering the circumstances. Ransom
demands are expected to be made when
the pirates reach their destination, which
is probably a parent ship close to the shore.
Pirates often start from those parent ships
with their smaller, faster and more agile
motor boats to capture the big tankers.
That these two incidents happened
so closely in time is not astonishing and
was already predicted by the EU anti-pirate mission Atlanta, dedicated to control
and protect the Somali and Kenyan coast.
It is common sense that pirate attacks
increase at this time of the year since the
monsoon season in the critical part of the
Indian Ocean just ended. This is expected
to cause an aggressive outbreak in such
activities since statistics show that, with
more than 20 ships and 400 hostages
captured, the business of piracy has grown
to a form that the world has never seen
before – and it is hard to fight against it.
Even though the EU and many shipping companies have made efforts to
stop piracy by sending fleets to the focal
points of piracy activity, extending their
area of operation and training crews in
case of emergency. Their opponents are
far beyond the era of the Jolly Roger,
the infamous bottle of rum and scurvy.
Modern pirates are equipped with GPS
systems integrated in their high-tech
motor boats to locate their target, machine guns and satellite telephones.
This might sound bewildering if one
considers that the pirates are mostly poor fishermen and unemployed,
with little or no personal property and
certainly not enough money to buy a
Kalashnikov, a motor boat or a GPS
system. However, the technical equipment used for their operation gets
more and more sophisticated each year.
This is the result of a clever underground network of intensely rich pup-
pet masters, middlemen and political
authorities. Islamic organisations like Al
Shabaab, warlords and other parties of
the civil war that has raged in Somalia
for the last 18 years since the last head
of state, Siad Barre, was overthrown take
financial advantage of the ongoing piracy.
They have little interest in catching
the real pirates who operate from Dubai,
the US and Europe. It almost seems like
a pathetic footnote in this dynamic process that Somalia’s new president, Sheik
Scharif Achmed, was arrested two years
ago by US authorities for apparently having close ties to the Al-Qaeda network.
This man is now responsible of a
state in which violence, corruption and
war govern and put people in the desperate position of illness, poverty and unemployment. Aid
organizations
stopped most of
their efforts after
several deadly
assaults against
doctors and volunteers and were
force d to le ave
people behind in
terrible despair.
It goes so far that
young Somalis
s e e pirac y as a
modern “Robin
Hood” tale: they
claim that their
Hurricane headed for cholera-stricken Haiti
Robin Clark
Contributor
On January 12 2010, the already
fragile country of Haiti was devasted
by a powerful earthquake. The quake,
measuring 7.0 on the Richter scale,
hit with its epicentre near the town
of Léogâne, approximately 25 km (16
miles) west of Port-au-Prince, Haiti’s
capital. By January 24, at least 52 aftershocks measuring 5.0 or greater were
4 • Wednesday November 3rd, 2010
recorded. An estimated three million
people were affected by the quake;
t h e Hait i an gove r n m e nt re p or t e d
that an estimated 230,000 people had
died, 300,000 had been injured and
1,000,000 made homeless. They also
estimated that 250,000 residences and
30,000 commercial buildings had collapsed or were severely damaged.
Poor sanitation in tent cities and a
lack of proper aid equipment has resulted in the infection of water sources,
and has led to a devastating outbreak of
cholera that has
killed hundreds
and infected
thousands more.
C holera is a
bacterial infection which affe c t s t h e s m a l l
intest ine. Its
symptoms are
acute diarrhoea,
vomiting, dehydration and electrolyte deficiencies. It spreads
through infected
water sources as
well as infected
foods. Though
the disease has been largely eliminated,
outbreaks can flare up in disaster areas
where people have no option but to
use infected water sources, such as the
recent outbreak in Nigeria.
The disease has been hitting Haiti
since late October. Aid groups have
been trying to keep up with the disease,
which now seems to be “stabilising,”
according to Gabriel Thimote, Director
General of Haiti’s Health Department,
but it is clear that with 1.3 million
people living in squalled conditions,
with little or no sanitation and poor
standards of hygiene, the impact of a
cholera outbreak could be catastrophic.
Already more than 300 people have
died and more than 3,300 have been
infected, but the rate of increase has
slowed.
This is the first time in a century
that cholera has struck the nation,
which has enough antibiotics to treat
100,000 cases of cholera and intravenous fluids to treat 30,000, according
to the UN. The outbreak may not be
over, however, with already precarious
health situations in tent cities and aid
camps looking to worsen as tropical
stor m Tomas st rengt hens and approaches Haiti.
Over the weekend, tropical storm
fishing industry is dying due to the big
shipping industry and that piracy is
some sort of a tax for this development.
However, the poor do not receive much
of this money which rather goes to people
who already accumulated a considerable
wealth – and probably on illegal basis.
Additionally, several governmental reports show that piracy organizations seem
to have close relationships with Islamic
groups that just enlarge the already existent misery in the main piracy states.
In this sense, it is probably not an exaggeration to say that the world is now
facing the worst form of piracy that has
existed yet and that it is desirable to find
a solution for the violence and fear that
it causes every day in the Indian Ocean.
Tomas has been continuing to swirl
through the Caribbean, after hitting St
Lucia and St Vincent in the Windward
Isles. The storm system has lost its
hurricane status but US forecasters say
Tomas could strengthen in the coming
days. This storm is set to head for Haiti
and with it, bring the new threat of
spreading the cholera.
“We are so stretched already with
the cholera, and we are running a
daily earthquake response as well,”
said Imogen Hall, of the UN Office for
the Co-ordination of Humanitarian
Affairs.
Effects of the storm may be worsened by Haiti’s dire environmental
condition, as shown at Camp Corail,
which is located at the foot of recently
deforested hills. The camp is in a prime
flooding zone, and with heavy rainfall,
the water would rush in from the hills
onto the natural flood-plain, an area
where nearly 100,000 earthquake victims have set up tents and shacks.
With such a rainfall, the floodplain
waters could easily be comtaminated,
increasing the danger of infection.
With Tomas expected to hit within
days, it is a race against time for Haiti.
Bandersnatch News
Parody rally a rousing success
Juliette Wolfe Parker
Contributor
In Washington, on October 30th, American
comedians, Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert,
led a demonstration called the Rally to Restore
Sanity and/or Fear. The rally was a satire of
Glenn Beck’s Rally to Restore Sanity, but that is
not to say the Colbert-Stewart rally did not have
a serious undertone: in reacting to the pressure
of the upcoming congressional election in the
United States. The comedians felt the American
media’s hyperbolic tendencies destroy any hope
of having a reasonable debate.
Colbert appeared in-character, while
Stewart tried his best to pacify his fellow comedian. In one instance, Colbert tried his
best to warn Americans of a perceived
Muslim threat, and Stewart assured the
opposite. Their argument, sadly, could
not stay between themselves, and Cat
Stevens (backed by Stewart) and Ozzy
Osbourne (supported by Colbert) were
dragged into it, with both musicians in
a tug of war over who could finish their
song. The comedians were not the only
ones acting this way, no doubt: one
eager activist carried around a sign that
confirmed what some already knew:
“Obama is a Secret Zombie – Show Us
Your Death Certificate.”
Stewart had announced the rally, with a
sentiment of; I disagree with you, but I’m pretty
sure you’re not Hilter,” reflecting his objection
to how insane the media’s behavior has been
of late.Meanwhile, Colbert, felt that “now is the
time for all good men to freak out for freedom!”
In 24 hours, the 69,000 people had said,
via Facebook, that they were going to attend;
in reality, the rally is said to have garnered over
200,000 attendants.
Though intended as a joke, the rally’s
underlying genuine anxieties – and the large
crowd – may be suggesting that it is time for
a change in the way the American media
handles itself, and maybe we all need some
more truthiness.
Bomb scare for synagogues
Laura Lussier
Contributor
On Friday October 29th, two suspicious packages coming from Yemen and
destined for Chicago synagogues were
intercepted, one in the United Kingdom
and another in the United Arab Emirates,
after a tip was given to the U.S. authorities
by Saudi Arabia. These parcels contained
PETN explosive devices, a similar substance to nitro-glycerine, which were
hidden within ink cartridges aboard
passenger-filled planes. Last December,
this same explosive substance was
used during the botched “Underwear
Bomber’” attack, which last Christmas,
was intercepted as the targeted plane
neared landing.
This time. however, the
amount was much larger,
enough to blow a hole in
the fuselage of an aircraft.
Additionally, the explosive
material was set to detonate
without a human trigger, a
factor which leaves authorities unsure as to whether
the bombs were intended to
explode during the flights or
once the packages arrived at their destination. These packages have been linked
to Al-Qaeda. Police authorities believe
that the target of these attacks was either
the synagogues themselves or that the
objective was simply as an experiment to
verify if aircraft security would notice the
suspicious packages.
In response to this threat, protective
forces and security have been positioned
around synagogues on Saturday in New
York City. Precautions have been taken
and all shipments coming from Yemen
have been suspended. Also, security
measures and cargo screenings around
the world are currently on heightened
alert and are undergoing a revision as a
consequence of these threats.
Controversial prisoner given 40-year sentence
Alexandra Lewyckyj
News Editor
On October 31st, Omar Khadr was
sentenced to 40 years in prison, ending
nearly a decade of judicial deliberations. The sentence is purely symbolic,
however: Khadr made a plea deal before
this most recent part of his trial, and
will only spend eight years behind bars
in exchange for pleading guilty for the
full charge of war crimes. The first of
these years will be served in the United
States, after which he will probably
serve them in Canada.
A Canadian citizen living in
A f g h an i st an , K h a d r w a s c aptu re d
at the age of fifteen after a firefight
with US forces in which he threw a
grenade and killed an American soldier. Recognized as a child soldier
by a UN official consulting the trial,
Khadr moved to Afghanistan in 1996,
after spending a childhood moving
between Toronto and Pakistan with his
family. He joined a cell of Al-Qaeda
agents, of which his late father was
thought to be a senior leader, in his
early teens, accompanying his father
on missions such as placing mines.
Initially following his capture,
Canadian intelligence authorities determined that Khadr had little knowledge
of his father’s activities, as “he was
playing out or simply not interested”.
This was later contradicted by the
Bandersnatch News
statements made for his plea bargain,
in which Khadr claimed to have “extensive firsthand knowledge” of his father’s
activities.
Captured after the firefight in the
village of Ayub Kheyl, Khadr had been
shot twice in the back by U.S. forces.
He was treated by medics on-site, and
has been held at Guantanamo Bay since
2002.
His case has caused controversy
regarding Canada’s refusal to repatriate him, despite the urgings of the
UN. Khadr is the last Western citizen
remaining in the prison. The costs of
fighting legal cases complaining of the
government’s treatment of Khadr have
run the canadian government over $1.3
million dollars.
In January of 2010, the Supreme
Court of Canada ruled that Khadr’s
constitutional rights had been violated,
but did not demand his repatriation.
The decision followed a ruling by the
Federal Court that the Charter of Rights
and Freedoms demanded Khadr’s immediate return to Canada.
Additional controversy has stemmed
from the young age at which he was held
at Guantanamo Bay: Khadr was the
youngest inmate ever held at the military prison for non-American enemy
combattants. The former top military
legal adviser at the prison, Navy Capt.
Patrick McCarthy, is even quoted as
saying, in regards to Khadr’s case, that
“fifteen-year-olds [...] should not be
held to the same level of accountability
as adults”.
Khadr’s case, especially his plea bargain, also violates the UN Convention
on the Rights of the Child, signed by
Canada (though not by the United
States). The convention compels states
trying child combatants not to coerce
them “to confess guilt”, and that any final decision regarding child combatants
should be “determined with delay by an
impartial authority according to law”.
Khadr was tried by a military tribunal.
There are further controversies in
Omar Khadr’s case about his status as a
prisoner of war and his rights therein as
established by the Geneva Convention,
as he was captured on the battlefield.
Additional debate has arisen over his
being charged with war crimes.
Though the legal battle is over, the
case is expected to be contested on the
basis of the aforementioned points.
Though his lawyers have made no announcement yet, many expect there to
be further legal battles on the case .
Canadians have certainly not finished
hearing about Omar Khadr.
Wednesday November 3rd, 2010 • 5
Europe
Devon Spencer - Contributor
This is to...
Jess Abran - Arts Editor
Meeting new people
Free lifts home when you needed them most
Free style rapping
Telling bed time stories
Forts made of blankets
Falling out of 20 ft tree’s
Scraping my knees
New friendships
Cherishing old ones
Love
Lack of it
Remembering when..
We saw a shooting star at 6pm
Music players (mp3’s)
Eating KD (and regretting it)
My bed
My lover
And pirates
Captain Skyguard vs the Hyperbot
Serag Bulur - Games & Tech Editor
Sampson
Anonymous - Contributor
“That’s the last of em!” Captain Skyguard says as he dumps the final
ninja corpse in the dumpster. It’s a good thing tomorrow is garbage day, or
else I could go to jail...again. Nevertheless I should start taking
precautionary measures since the ninja grand master from the last issue
warned me about the HyperBot”.
Suddenly a HyperBot appears behind him and is ready to shoot, “Target
locked. Prepare to eliminate. Captain. Skaaayguard” the towering nine feet
tall iron monstrosity tremblingly says. “It’s Skyguard you tin asshole”.
Captain Skyguard leaps in the air as the HyperBot tries desperately to shoot
his target with his shoulder turrets. Swiftly the Captain descends and latches on
the robot’s head, which for some reason is an exact metal replica of David
Bowie’s head from Labyrinth. Surely this has no relation. The HyperBot sets
his gyrating motion hips to maximum warp level in order to shake the Captain
off but unfortunately for the robot, he’s already lost. Captain Skyguard
punches the neck of the HyperBot ever so effortlessly and removes the
circuitry wiring to deactivate it. What should have completely shut down the
HyperBot instead made matters drastically worse. For reasons the author does
not want to delve into because let’s face it, it’s late and he wants to
sleep, the robot begins spinning in a circle at an uncontrollable speed.
Little bolts of electricity are formulating around the HyperBot and he’s
turning at such a high velocity that he’s creating his own vortex that is
sucking everything in his path. Regrettably for Skyguard only him, the
HyperBot and the dumpster full of dead ninjas are in the area (it’s a very
unpopular street). He gets pulled into the vortex and is transported
somewhere far beyond are reaches of time and space.
To be continued...but most likely not.
6 • Wednesday November 3rd, 2010
Bandersnatch Arts
New Releases
To scream or not to scream?
In Theaters
Alex Messina
Staff Writer
Saw 3D
Paranormal Activity 2
Score: A Hockey Musical
Conviction
CDs
Taylor Swift - Speak Now
Weezer - Death to False Metal
Good Charlotte - Cardiology
Pitbull - Armando
DVDs
Toy Story 3
Centurion
Lake Placid 3
Sex and the City 2
Upcoming Releases
In Theaters
Megamind
November 5
Due Date
November 5
Morning Glory
November 12
Skyline
November 12
CDs
Susan Boyle - The Gift
November 9
Cee-Lo Green - The Lady Killer
November 9
Kid Rock - Born Free
November 16
DVDs
Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
November 9
Californication: Season 3
November 9
The Last Airbender
November 16
Fear Me Not
November 16
Upcoming Events
Usher
November 30
Bell Center
Brandon Flowers
December 3
Club Soda
Alexisonfire
December 10
Metropolis
Bandersnatch Entertainment
When I think about horror movies, I generally
think about a scary monster, a bunch of teenagers
being picked off individually by said monster, and
gore- lots of gore. I may just have insulted a bunch
of horror movies which strayed from the path,
scaring the shit out of movie goers by taking an
unconventional approach to the genre, but I don’t
want to go through a list of movies that horrified
me, and I’m only trying to introduce my subject
like my teachers taught me in high school. All that
aside, I watched Paranormal Activity 2 the other day
and was not able to sleep comfortably afterwards.
Paranormal Activity 2 is about a family haunted
by a demon. Seems pretty simple, but this is the
same demon that ruined the lives of Katie and
Micah in the first movie. Kristi, Katie’s sister, has just
had a baby boy and returned home. Life is perfect
until some paranormal events start happening
around the house. The storyline is engrossing and
I was always worried for the main characters. As a
horror element, it does its job well because it creates
a normal setting, slowly escalating the paranormal
events and finishing with a terrific bang that I wasn’t
expecting.
Technically, I believe this movie is superior to
its predecessor. The story is more interesting, the
special effects are revamped (albeit to a respectable level that does not disrespect its indie movie
heritage) and the overall quality is superior. It’s interesting to note that the first movie was done with
a budget of 15,000$ over a filming period of seven
days. The second movie had much more money
and time on its hands. Did this result in a cheap
sequel reminiscent of what happened to The Blair
Witch Project? Well, I’m very glad to say no. The
tricks the movie employs to scare the audience are
as effective and subtle as ever. A great improvement
it has on the original is that it uses multiple security
cameras to showcase the paranormal events. One
of the gripes I had with the first movie was that we
heard a bunch of sounds but never saw anything
too concrete until the movie’s midpoint. To me,
the pacing was slightly off. This was largely due to
the single camera. The multiple view points help
escalate the tension much more naturally and are
a benefit to the movie. A nice touch is the fact that
they switch from one room to another in a specific
order. This sets a familiar routine and when the
proverbial shit hits the fan, the surprise is significant.
So, it has a good story and it’s a better overall
movie. The real question at hand is: is it scary?
Paranormal Activity 2 takes the “if it isn’t broken,
don’t fix it” approach and does the same thing as
the original in terms of horror. It creates situations
with little visual feedback, lets viewers imagine the
worst thing possible, creates a lot of tension, and
You will go and never come back
Sarah Tayeh
Assistant Production Manager
Paper Towns by John Green is a story
about Quentin Jacobsen, a man who has
spent a lifetime loving his neighbour,
Margo Roth Spiegelman, from afar.
Original, I know. So when she cracks
open a window and climbs back into
his life - dressed like a ninja and summoning him for an ingenious campaign
of revenge-he follows. Quentin is kind
of a coward, unpopular, and likes his
boring, structured life. On the other
hand, Margo is adventurous, popular
and doesn’t want to conform. A little
cheesy, but it works.
On this night a few weeks before
their high school graduation, Margo
shows up at Quentin’s window and before he knows it, they’re off on a crazy
night of revenge and adventure that
involves dead fish, blue spray paint,
blackmail, and breaking into Sea World,
among other things. It’s a night to remember, and Quentin is certain that
things between him and Margo will be
different afterwards–but when he gets
to school the next day, Margo is gone.
Nobody knows where she is. However,
all hope is not lost–Margo has left clues
for Quentin, and he hopes they’ll lead
him to her. In the process of searching
for Margo, Quentin realizes that she
wasn’t who he always thought she was–
and maybe he’s not who he thought he
was either.
If you liked Looking for Alaska, John
Green’s 2005 award winning book, then
you will definitely love this one. It too
has a lovely, eccentric girl, a mystery that
begs to be solved by clever, quirky teens,
and this time, including quotations from
Walt Whitman’s poetry collection Leaves
of Grass. Yet, if anything, the thematic
stakes are higher here as Green ponders
the interconnectedness of imagination
and perception, of mirrors and windows,
of illusion and reality.
It’s kind of hard to summarize this
book, because, really, there’s little else
like it. Although it doesn’t follow the
prescribed formula for a plot, Paper
sustains it for the whole story. The most effective
fear, after all, is the fear of the unknown. It harkens
back to ages, past when poor Australopithecus
cowered near his fire as he searched for the predator in the dark of night. Paranormal Activity 2 is
almost like a little boxer; It knows where to punch
me and how hard to do so. It’s just that, instead of
a fist, it’s paranormal activity and, instead of me
being knocked out, I’m yelling: “WHAT THE
FUCK!!!!!” in a theatre.
Of course, I can’t really know what you’ll think
of the movie. Horror is a subjective experience
after all. If you’ve already seen the first one, this
film might have less of an impact on you because
it uses the same tactics to scare people. If you don’t
like horror movies, you probably don’t want to start
off with this one. If you think the Saw franchise is
deep and well made, you can go watch Saw 3D and
witness poor Chester Bennington being mauled in
overpriced 3-D glory.
Towns is nothing short of brilliant. I
completely adored this book. It’s an
intelligent, interesting novel that I literally could not put down. There is also a
crazy, intense road trip!
Wednesday November 3rd, 2010 • 7
Design games while you game...dawg
Alexander Messina
Staff Writer
I’ve never really been a fan of games based
on realism. Consider this list of series: Flight
Simulator series, Gran Turismo series, most
sports series in the EA/Activison war, and many
modern war games I won’t name. Burn me at
the stake for saying this, but I dislike most of the
games I just mentioned. The technology put into
them is impressive and they are all franchise titles
that earn astounding amounts of money, but, in
my opinion, they’re all bland and uninteresting.
I’m not saying they’re bad games, I’m just saying
they’re not worth my money. I want to give my
money to a developer who makes games that are
innovative and who takes a fresh approach to
the game’s design. I thought about precisely this
matter when I was playing Game Dev Story, an
imaginative take on the job of a game developer.
Game play centers around, big surprise,
making games. To do this, you must first have
a staff. I found the staff system to be really interesting; you hire employees based on their skills,
have them do a certain job, and level them up
with research points obtained during creative
processes. This creates an interesting bond in
between player and employee; I felt really bad
when I fired Gilly Bates because I had invested
a good amount of money in her. I knew I had
to lay her off though; she was a tired wreck and
wasn’t contributing to the company.
This was only one out of many cases
where I was forced to make tough decisions. You don’t really find that a lot
these days.
I originally told myself I would be
good to the industry and only create
amazing games that earned excellent
reviews and filled my coffers full of
cash. What actually happened was
drastically different. You start as a lowly
company entering the business and
must work your way up by producing
games and expanding your fan base in
the hopes of making more money to
make better games. The game follows
a progressive type of system that makes
it impossible to release a hit as your
first game because you’re not an experienced enough developer. This makes
sense gameplay wise, but if real life
were like that, indie developers would
all be releasing crappy low-tech games that no
one cares about. Another issue I encountered
was money. At first, I thought that I was doing
well and making huge profits with every game
sold, then the Play Station hit the market and it
was going to cost me about 1000k just to have
a licence. I had 800k. It cost me about 600k to
make a game that would give me a profit of 50k.
I closed Game Dev Story as soon as I realized
this and I haven’t opened it since.
I really don’t know what to say about this
game. I initially wanted to make a variety of
games, but ended up releasing 6 robot shooters, 5
marathon racers and 4 animal adventure games.
This is nothing like the job of a developer, but
it really got me thinking about the constraints
they face. There’s a bunch of nuisances in it
but isn’t life the same way? The critics were all
jerks but they’re essential to our society. Was I
getting upset because I wasn’t able to succeed,
or was I being a hypocrite by releasing trash
games that still made huge profits? Money was
a real problem but it also is in real life. Is this a
mad masterpiece of a game created by a genius
developer? I’m seriously led to believe that this
game was made to get us to think about the
issues surrounding the game industry. In its
present state, it is inundated by same-y shooters,
franchised sports games, horrible licenses, stale
plot devices, motion controls, 3-D tech, greedy
companies, angry politicians, worried mothers,
biased game reviewers, angry immature twelve
year olds yelling obscenities, and average gamers
like you and me. A game developer has to please
all parties involved and respect gaming culture in
its entirety. All of these thoughts brought on by a
single game on my IPod touch. I’m also known
to overthink things.
Damn loopholes, give me back my items!
Sarah Tayeh
Assistant Production Manager
I was so excited when I heard about Final
Fantasy: the 4 Heroes of Light for the Nintendo
DS, coming out this fall in Nintendo Power. I
was not disappointed; the game was definitely
worth the wait. The promise of little dialogue
and non-existent cut scenes (so far) made the
start of the adventure a challenge. This is the
way it should be; no adventurer sets off knowing where they are going and why. Figuring it
out along the way is part of the fun.
There are a bunch of traditional Final
Fantasy elements in the game that long-time
fans will enjoy, but there are new and interesting features as well. The art and even some of
the music is different than the other games in
the series. Also, you bounce back and forth
between characters at some point, which is
interesting compared to starting off as the
main character in the story and having party
members come and go.
Like all good video games,
c also has
those little things that’ll just tick you off a little
bit. For example you have very little inventory
space. You can carry up to 15 items per person
and you can only have four party members.
There is also a 99 inventory box that is shared
8 • Wednesday November 3rd, 2010
in all the towns for back-up.
The most obvious part about the limited
inventory space is that, you naturally distribute
your items among your party members for convenience, right? Of course you don’t expect that
one of them decides to off himself after finding
the spirit of the dead desert/moon princess, taking all of your precious items with him. Then
there’s of course the time when your character
decides that he should ditch the girl he’s been
adventuring with after visiting an inn. Right
after you’ve lost items with the suicidal ninja,
you’re now just going to leave all of your stuff
with your only party member left and bounce,
to a place you’ve never heard of. It doesn’t really
matter though, because you won’t be playing
as any of them anymore; no, the character that
you’ve been levelling up and gotten familiar
with is gone now. You will instead be playing as
a strong warrior, and a spoiled princess. It gets
better though because this game is awesome.
And now for the best part of the game:
CROWNS! This is the interesting feature in
the game as you play and collect hats, which
all of the main four heroes share, you can put
one on and be a black mage or you can switch it
for wayfarer’s crown and be that instead. These
crowns, which you can upgrade with gems,
change your stats and give you new abilities
(separate from magic books).
All that said, this game is definitely worth a
try; a good game to pass time with if you have
some because you can’t save everywhere, but I
haven’t had any problems with that yet. There’s
a lot to be said about this game, but I won’t ruin
any more of the surprises… you can upgrade
weapons too.
Serag’s Private Column
of Awesome Thoughts
This weekend was filled with
lots of candy, booze and Rock Band
3. I’ve been very skeptical about
rhythm based music games since
they seem to be coming out every
third week. However, every time
I criticize the newest Guitar Hero
or Rock Band game, I’m always
impressed by its song list or innovations and Rock Band 3 kicks ass
with innovation. Not only do they
give you a motherfucking keytar
but you also get something called
Pro Mode. Basically you can buy a
pro guitar which has six strings and
tunes itself automatically and you
essentially play real guitar chords
when playing. Now I’m only good
at plastic toy instruments so when I
picked it up I was pretty intimidated
but I have to say the sheer idea of
not only playing actual guitar but
learning from the ground up is just a
fantastic idea. I’ve never seen a game
do so much for the player. Finally
I can learn guitar and be cool. I’m
not saying everyone should buy
this game and this is definitely not
a review, I’m just super excited that
video games have come to the point
where you can learn an instrument
for a couple hundred dollars. We are
living in the golden age of gaming!
New Releases
Goldeneye 007
For the Wii
James Bond 007: Blood ...
For the X360, PS3, PC, NDS
God of War: Ghost of Sp...
For the PSP
Fist of the North Star: K...
For the X360, PS3
Dragon Ball: Raging Ba...
For the X360, PS3
Upcoming Releases
The Sly Collection
For the PS3
November 9
Monster Jam: Path of ...
For the X360, PS3, PSP, Wii
November 9
Call of Duty: Black Ops
For the X360, PS3, PC, Wii
November 9
Bandersnatch Games and Tech
Guido TV
Cameron Troyer
Contributor
There is a craze hitting the world over
these days. It’s called reality television,
and unfortunately, it would appear that
it’s here to stay. It is a world consisting
of dumb blondes, boob jobs and egos
bigger than Mount Everest. Hell, I know
a couple of people who would make
excellent centerpieces for this stuff.
Last year, I figured that very soon,
reality television would vanish off the
face of the earth. I was wrong. Not dead
wrong, mind you, just wrong. Apparently,
some idiot from MTV was thinking the
same thing. He (or she) was not reveling
as much as I was. This person was panicking! So they had a little meeting in
their board room to create a new show
to rid us of the “slump”. Next thing you
know, 8 or so people are shipped off to
a house on the coast of New Jersey and
the infamous Jersey Shore was born.
Jersey Shore is your basic reality television show, yet somehow it annoys me
more than a mosquito bite on my butt,
while others usually annoy me less so. It
follows the basic characteristics of a show
of this genre to a tee (except that nobody’s
hair is blonde. It should be, but it’s not).
I have some theories as to why it annoys
me, and why it should annoy you as well.
First, a word which I dread upon its
announcement: Snooki! For those sane
and blessed enough not to know what a
Snooki is, it is an overly tanned Guido
female with hair that reaches farther
than her arms and is about as dumb as a
doorknob, if not more so. The annoying
thing about Snooki is her sheer stupidity. An example of it, and I quote, “My
ethnicity is tan.” She makes Paris Hilton
look like a top neurosurgeon, and that’s
hard to do (and I mean hard). What’s
more annoying than her stupidity? The
fact that she thinks she’s smart. What’s
more annoying than that? The way
her general physique reminds me of a
bottom-heavy Cheeto. It simply amazes
me that people can look up to her at all.
The second reason I hate Jersey Shore
in general is the lingo and sentences they
use. Exhibit A: Pauly D’s line “It’s T-shirt
time!” T-shirt time? What the heck is
T-shirt time? Is it when everybody finally puts on a top, because you’ve put
that off like I put off French homework?
Never have I seen a male Jersey Shore
cast member with a complete top. Even
The Situation wore an open button down
the other day on Dancing With The Stars
(He got invited on the show but David
Borneaz didn’t?). Exhibit B is J Woww’s
line where she says that after sex, she
rips the guy’s head off. What are you, a
praying mantis? Yes, mantis do in fact eat
their mate after “doing it.” There’s your
science lesson for today, readers. I would
love for that to happen to me, so that I
no longer have to deal with Jersey Shore.
My third reason to resent that
show is that it is said to be a reality TV program, when it isn’t.
For once in my life, I am happy
to say that there are too many
fat people for this to be a reality
show, where every single male
has stellar muscles (steroids!),
and every woman is slept with
every night. It is also not realistic,
because a woman’s attractiveness doesn’t make an inverse
relationship with the number of
clothes she has on. Well at least
not all the time. Unfortunately,
it is a reality in many places in
the world, notably the shoreline
of New Jersey. Hence the title
“Jersey Shore”, in case you didn’t know.
Hopefully, this bad excuse for a show
is in its final run already, as Snooki can
only be punched in the face so many times
before it’s not funny to anyone anymore.
So, if we are at my grandmother’s and
my sister commandeers the TV to watch
“Jersey Shore”, I do the only thing left that
is sane. I walk three blocks east to my
house. I go online to Surf the Channel.
I sit down and I watch some good ole
scripted television.
Reasons why Christine O’Donnel is the manifestation of my poop
Serag Bulur
Games & Tech Editor
Like my fecal matter, Christine
O’Donnell comes at you in different
forms. Smooth, liquid, solid fibre filled
logs, chunky spicy nuggets and potato
sized. Even though I’m not really going
to give reasons as to why I think she’s a
materialization of my shit, I will point
out in this article how incredibly she
sucks at life. For those of you who don’t
know who Christine O’Donnell is, allow me to give a brief bio courtesy of
the internet.
Essentially Christine is an American
republican politician. Now most republican politicians are defaulted as
morons but she’s an extra special kind
of moron. A Sarah Palin 2.0 if you
will. She is currently a candidate in
Delaware’s 2010 U.S. Senate special
election where she will be competing
against the Democratic Chris Coons.
Who, by the way, has been embarrassing Christine O’Donnell in debates.
Essentially the only reason why I assume she’s still in the race is because
she’s just way too funny when she opens
her mouth.
There’s more to her story but honestly it’s not important because one, I’ve
never been the one to talk about politics
(I’m too busy doing anything else). and
two, it doesn’t matter because we’re
going to make fun of her anyways. If I
Bandersnatch Opinions
start giving her more characterization
we’ll start caring and feel bad. Finally,
because, I really want to start posting
some of her quotes so I can analyze the
stupidity.
Here’s what she said about the bible:
“We took the Bible and prayer out of
public schools. Now we’re having weekly
shootings. We had the 60s sexual revolution, and now people are dying of AIDS.”
Politically Incorrect, 1998
Of course! It’s not people fucking
monkeys that started AIDS, it’s the lack
of Bible studies in school.
On psychics:
“Psychics put people in spiritual
harm, the same way pimps put people
in physical harm.” Politically Incorrect,
1998.
Let’s hope she doesn’t run into a
New Orleans’ psychic pimp. They’re
everywhere.
On masturbation:
“It is not enough to be abstinent
with other people, you also have to be
abstinent alone. The Bible says that lust
in your heart is committing adultery, so
you can’t masturbate without lust.” MTV
Interview.
I’ll masturbate whenever I damn
well feel like and so will every other
man until our hands go numb and fall
off.
On cloning:
“American scientific companies are
cross-breeding humans and animals
and coming up with mice with fully
functioning human brains.” Fox News’s
the O’Reilly Factor, 2007.
Quick Master Splinter she’s onto
you! Hide the Ninja Turtles at once!
On co-ed dorms:
“What’s next? Orgy Rooms? Menage
a trois rooms? Coedness is like a radical agenda forced on college students”.
Washington Times, 2003
Bitch please. Everywhere I
go is a 24/7 orgy room.
On Freak Dancing:
“There are drinking laws.
There are – you know, you
have to be 18 to smoke. You
can’t go to school in a bikini.
On one hand, you have people
saying this is squelching their
freedom, and then you scratch
your head and say look over
here, date rape is such an
epidemic. There’s a connection.” Fox News’s the O’Reilly
Factor, 2003.
...I...I guess.
On the theory of evolution:
“You know what, evolution is a myth. Well then, why
aren’t monkeys still evolving
into human s ? ” Pol it i c a l ly
Incorrect, 1998.
To be fair I think I saw a
monkey open a mortgage at
the bank the other day. She ‘s
obviously a fan of the Planet
of the Apes series.
Well that’s it for now but
don’t fret because she’s got near a billion quotes like the ones I just posted.
You can Google them with your Twitter
on your Facebook by using your portable communicators and never forget
that Christine O’Donnell is an actual
person and not some hilarious cartoon
character that always says the wrong
thing.
Wednesday November 3rd, 2010 • 9
Chamber of horrors gone wrong
Louisa Bieleg
Staff Writer
“Halloween is coming soon, pumpk i n s w e m u s t b u y. M a k e a Ja c k o’ L ante r n , b a ke a pu mpk i n pi e. Halloween is coming soon, feel it in
the air. Witches ride on broomsticks,
ghosts hide everywhere! ... TRICK OR
TREAT!!!”
I am totally in love with the little fairy girl that comes to my door
completely wet to get her candy. Even
though I have just woken up, I can’t
help smiling. She beams back at me
with an amazing upward glance on her
glittery face – slightly evil since she
will put toothpaste on my door handle
if I don’t give her sweets. At least that
is what I assume since the top of the
tube is sticking out of her plump bag. It
might as well be a present from a concerned old lady wanting to assure that
she brushes her teeth after having eaten
that mountain of candy she received.
Nice old lady! I wish my grandmother
was that concerned …
So while I hurry inside because I
want to avoid that mess and give her a
brownie, I can’t help humming her little
song. Feeling slightly proud of actually
having made a pumpkin pie and being
an undead that night (and wondering
what a Jack-o’Lantern is because it is
my first Halloween), I am slightly sad
because there are in fact no witches or
ghosts in the streets. Apparently, trick
or treat is so last-season (or it’s just the
awful weather), but what I have seen so
far are a mermaid and a princess. Not
scary, even though I can understand
that kids don’t necessarily want to be
your personal nightmare but rather
enjoy dressing up…
When I come back, the happy fairy’s
little brother (I suppose he represents
a dark mummy in his oversized winter
jacket) and her older sister have caught
up to her. The latter seems moderately
less excited – probably because walking
around with your little sister for trick
or treat is less interesting than going to
a Halloween party with your friends.
Or because she is freezing to death in
her maid dress that hardly covers her
butt. I don’t envy her for that! Why is
she wearing that rag anyway? It covers
Ugh, they totally ruined
it
course when you make a transition from
Adam Chan
Webmaster
One thing that has always bothered
me are movies based on books. Don’t
get me wrong, I have nothing against
this trend. It wouldn’t be fair to generalize them since they aren’t all the same.
They can be epic, like Lord of the Rings,
or just downright awful, like a certain
saga involving sparkle vampires. What
bothers me about these movies is that
one person you always hear from. You
know, the one person who happened to
have read the book long before it was
even considered for a movie adaptation.
That one person who read the book loved
it and usually says something along the
lines of, “The book was way better, they
totally ruined everything about it”, upon
exiting the theatre.
Why do people always have to do
this? You watch a movie so you can have
some fun to have, and then you end up
having to deal with this one person who
feels it’s necessary to nitpick at every
little detail. And of course I mean every
little detail: what the movie did differently, what they accurately portrayed or
just how they completely screwed up and
tarnished the holiness of the book. Of
10 • Wednesday November 3rd, 2010
book to screen there will be changes, it
only makes sense to do things a little
differently.
Personally, if given the choice between a book and a movie version of the
same story, I’d go with the movie. To me
it just makes more sense. You save time
by not having to read every “he said” or
“she said”, which gets old quickly in some
books. Sure, you don’t get to use your
imagination when you watch the movie,
less than one third of her body and
can’t possibly keep her warm. I would
call that an amazing effort to scare
people, but it is only scary in the sense
that I fear that something might fall out
of the upper part of this … costume?
Unfortunately, that fear has grown
to a nightmare since I started researching for this article: costume stores’
advertisements mostly show scantilyclad women with costumes that I would
carefully describe as kinky. I feel like
invading a mixture of the porn I never
saw and a parody of it. I mean, who
would invent a slutty “Finding Nemo”
costume? Or put a forty year old guy
into nothing but small panties with a
red cross on it? Do you want him to
get arrested or go to a mental institution? Okay, he would fit well there
with all the slutty nurses around him,
but it won’t be very nice for the children who see him while going candyhunting. They might complain to their
teacher the next day- unless it’s one of
Halloween’s slutty teachers. Just like
the slutty maids, officers, dolls, angels, devils, bunnies and witches who
populate this continent on Halloween
night. Why?
Can’t you people be a fork, a bowling ball, a flamingo or a crayon? That
would at least be funny, if you don’t
want to go for the scary costumes, which
would fit the spirit of Halloween? At
least don’t infect your children with
it by letting them see that and putting them into cheerleader uniforms,
fallen angel and devil costumes … or
Hannah Montana outfits. That will
make them look like most people at
Halloween, but I am not sure if that
is necessarily a good thing.
The only thing that comforts me
about this alienating development of
a wonderful tradition is that I didn’t
have be part of it, ignored the costume stores and consumerism and
had a wonderful night with my improvised costume, strangling marks,
claws and the “Nightmare” game.
And without freezing my extremities
off in the snow or pulling my dress
down every two seconds. Hope you
did not catch a cold …
but instead you get to see the story come
to life, which for me is way cooler.
Although I prefer movies, I still enjoy a good book from time to time. One
book that I enjoyed in particular was
Neil Gaiman’s Coraline. When I heard
there was going to be a movie made, I
was a bit sceptical as to whether or not
I would enjoy it, especially since the art
style of the movie was significantly more
colourful than the illustrations from the
book. Not only was I surprised by how
much I enjoyed seeing the characters
come to life, but I rather liked how the
creation of a new character helped the
plot flow more smoothly, in my opinion.
I consider it to be a good page to screen
transition.
Having read the book before watching the movie is good for comparison
sake, but what about watching a movie
without having read the book? I have
done just that for a number of book
based movies, Harry Potter and the
Order of the Phoenix and Legend of the
Guardians come to mind. For these
movies, I had no idea what I was getting
into when I sat down to watch them. The
result, I was able to enjoy the movie to a
greater degree because I wasn’t focused
on comparing it to the book. I was able
to watch them as if they were any other
movie.
In the end though, you can’t really
compare a book to its movie counterpart, that’s like comparing an orange to a
mandarin. Essentially they’re the same,
but each has its own way of doing things.
Some people prefer the books for the
details, while others would rather watch
everything unfold. Whatever your preference, you should at least give each a
fair chance. Appreciate each movie for
what it is, not what it left out.
Bandersnatch Opinions
Sports
with Henry Park
New era, same old results
Tim Lazier
Contributor
Heading into this year’s NFL season,
the New England Patriots were assumed
to be an afterthought when it comes to
powerhouse teams. With 12 rookies on
a 55 man roster, this year was supposed
to be a “rebuilding” year for the Pats.
However, by the end of week eight in the
NFL, the Patriots are in first place and
are looking like, dare I say it, Super Bowl
contenders once again.
In the first week of training camp
over the summer, Patriots poster boy
and future Hall of Fame quarterback,
Tom Brady, sat down for an interview
with the Boston media. One of the first
questions was: how would the team do in
its first rebuilding year in over a decade?
As fierce a competitor as Tom Brady is,
his response was: “Rebuilding? That’s a
term you guys use. There are a lot of good
things going on right now.” Just like that,
the man under center ended any rumors
of a weaker Patriots squad. After a 6-1
start to the season, the Patriots have
proven that their fearless leader is a man
of his word.
Bring on 2012!
Brandon Grasso
Staff Writer
Despite all the warnings of certain doom and the end of the world,
I have a feeling that when it comes
around, the year 2012 will be phenomenal. Especially during the summer. E sp e ci a l ly in t he U.K. Why?
The Olympics. This will be the third
Summer Games hosted in London, the
last being in 1948. I know, it’s early, and
our ears are still ringing with chants
of Crosby’s name, but given Canada’s
overall success in this year’s Winter
Games, I thought it would be a good
idea to give a little heads up as to what
we can anticipate in the world’s next big
sporting event.
There is already so much to say
about the London 2012 Games. The
location itself is incredibly exciting,
owing to the world-renowned national
pride of the British; a competitive and
multi-talented host nation will be perfect for setting the standard of competition. What’s more is the preparation the
International Olympic Committee and
British government have already done
for the event: a beautifully restored
green space in east London will make
up the Olympic Park, fully equipped
with water management and wildlifefriendly maintenance systems.
The 2012 Games will also feature
a host of venues, new and old, where
Bandersnatch Sports
It is no wonder that the New England
Patriots are off to a flying start. If there
is one coach that can organize a group
of rookies and veterans to create a winning formula, it is Bill Belichick. As he
relies on intelligent game planning as
well as physical ability to win a football
game, the coach has convinced his band
of youngsters to buy into his philosophy.
The Patriots defense, which consists of
seven rookies, was Belichick’s biggest
hurdle heading into the season as it takes
time for players to make the transition
from college into the NFL. Belichick’s
defense has used their agility to their
advantage. While they have not been
perfect, the Patriots defense has used
their speed to force their opponents into
making mistakes.
On the other side of the ball, as long
as Tom Brady and Wes Welker are on the
field, Patriots fans are in good hands.
Averaging close to 30 points per game,
the Patriots offense is, and has always
been, the staple of their organization.
With the emergence and breakthrough
performances of rookie tight ends Aaron
Hernandez and Rob Gronkowski, the
Patriots passing attack has more weapons
than ever. While the Patriots offensive
game plan relies heavily on passing,
the running game has become a pleasant surprise. After veteran running
back Fred Taylor was injured early in
the season, Ben Jarvus Green-Ellis and
Danny Woodhead have carried the load
and become a successful tandem. As for
the trade that shipped Randy Moss to
Minnesota, no Moss, no problem. On
Sunday, the Patriots beat the Minnesota
Vikings 28-18 and limited Moss to only
one catch for eight yards.
While the New England Patriots that
dominated the NFL in the early 2000’s
are gone, winning 3 Super Bowls in four
years, the team has shown the birth of a
new era. With their high power offense
and speedy defense, Belichick’s younger
squad is a force to be reckoned with. As
we enter the month of November, the chill
of winter is upon us. For New England
fans, get ready and bundle up, because
with the same old results comes postseason home field advantage.
the multitude of sporting events will
take place. Among the new is the massive, Coliseum-like Olympic stadium.
Begun in May of 2008, this £537 million ($877 million) project can hold a
max capacity of 80 000 spectators, and
is now the third largest stadium in the
country. Obviously, such stadiums as
Wimbledon and Wembley will also be
in use.
Looking at the games themselves,
it can safely be assumed that we know
what to expect. With 26 sports on tap
(38 if you count the different disciplines
and events), there will be no shortage
of entertainment; whether your game is
soccer, volleyball, water polo, or even
professional ping pong, it’s going to
happen in London.
So, what can we expect from our
own national teams during these competitions? While it is a popular belief
among many that Canada’s true athletic
ability only surfaces during the winter
games, it might be a good refresher to
look back at our performance in China
two years ago. The Canadian Olympic
Committee (COC) of 2008 was represented by a delegation of 332 athletes
who participated in all but three sports.
Having set a pre-Olympics goal of placing among the top 16 countries for most
total medals, Canada stunned everyone,
finishing 13th overall with 18 medals.
For London, the goal has been set to
12th place or better, a goal that should
easily be attained, judging by the ever-
improving calibre of our athletes. While
an official list of the 2012 Canadian
competitors has not yet been released,
it is safe to say that we will be seeing
the return of such names as diving phenoms Alexandre Despatie and Emilie
Heymans, as well as Canadian Sports
Hall of Famer Ian Millar (show jumping) and champ wrestler Carol Huynh.
All have won medals in Beijing, and will
certainly be hungry for more in London.
For more information on the London
Games, take a look at the official site,
www.london2012.com. There is much
to be expected from this event, and even
more so from the athletes we send over
there. Keep your hopes high for the
summer Olympics of 2012!
Wednesday November 3rd, 2010 • 11
12 • Wednesday November 3rd, 2010
Bandersnatch Sports