Phuket InterBike Hash 2016 Magazine

4
29th April – 1st May 2016
(Strictly for Riders Only)
A
Restaurant
Bar
98/18 Vises Road
Rawai
Oli: 081 891 4381
www.shakersphuket.com
[email protected]
GPS: N07ª 46.971
E 098ª 19.001
Welcome To
The 4th Asian InterBike Hash
hosted by Phuket MTB Hash
Rumours of an InterBike Hash on Phuket began to spread two or three
years ago. We can finally say that the smoke has set fire and we are
extremely proud to be hosting the 4th Asian InterBike Hash.
During my visit to the 3rd InterBike Hash, well hosted by Kuching
Bike Hash in July 2015, the idea of sharing our prestine trails and
fabulous single tracks with you took root. Phuket still is a perfect place
for an IBH, so any foulups are totally human error. We think you’ll
thoroughly enjoy your time with us.
Organizing the 4th InterBike Hash has been an adventure and thanks
to our committee of volunteers, who have dedicated many of their free
hours to make things happen, this event is now a fact. Thank you! I
would like to give a big thank you all our sponsors for supporting this
event so generously.
And thank you; all participants for your trust and confidence to make
our effort worthwhile.
The hotel in Bangtao area is right at the beach (one of the longest) and
just a few kilometres away from our superb trails. Getting there will be
a good warm-up to start your off-road vibes.
We’re looking forward to a weekend of fabulous riding, great fun,
drinking beers and getting to know you and many other bike Hashers
from all different places. So far we have 22 nationalities being
represented.
Our circle is open to share your jokes and ride (offences) experiences.
Do remember all the crazy stuff that you’ll encounter and share with
us for a good old laugh to tears.
Welcome to Bangtao and Phuket, we hope you’ll have a great time!
Diana “Purple PP” Vogelaar
Chairman InterBike Hash Mismanagement Committee
1
The Guilty Party
The dis-organising comittee: The Coroner (Triporn Kongsong),
Wilma (Thomas Flindt), Cobbler (Kawee Tansukatanon),
Shuffler (Neil Hunt), Purple PP (Diana Vogelaar), Webmasher
(Karen Ellison), Accident (Aroon Sekrajang), Farter (Carlos
Goncalves), insert: Top-Off (Jaspal Singh) Can’t Get Your Shit
Together.com (Lincoln Marrable)
We would like to thank our fantastic sponsers and supporters…
2
You are a bike addict when…
Schedule of Events
Based at the Arinara Resort
Friday 29th
12:00-15:50
15:00-16:00
16:00
18:00
19:45
Check-in registered participants
Get together for afternoon ride
Start afternoon ride
Circle
BBQ
Hotel Lobby
Lobby Garden
Lobby Garden
Lobby Garden
Restaurant
Hare: Swolon Colon
+66 819 790 164
Paperboy: Wilma
+66 878 939 464
Saturday 30th
10:00-13:50
10:00-13:50
13:00-14:00
14:00
18:00
20:15
Check-in registered participants
Register on site for locals
Get together for HASH ride
Start afternoon ride
Circle
Dinner
Hotel Lobby
Hotel Lobby
Lobby Garden
Lobby Garden
Lobby Garden
Restaurant
Get together for morning ride
Start morning ride
Circle
Lobby Garden
Lobby Garden
Lobby Garden
Hares: Houdini and
Purple Vibrator
+66 822 118 892
+66 812 731 740
Sunday 1st
10:00-11:00
11:00
13:00
Hare: Swolon Colon
+66 819 790 164
Mountain Biking Can Be A Serious Health Hazard
3
…You
no longer require a hankie to blow your nose…
Participants
Bangkok
Kuala Lumpur
Singapore
David Skillen.................... Atomic Muff Diver
Donald Adams.....................................DonA
Kanokporn Jones....................Blackbuttocks
Lynda Sharp................................... No Meat
Martyn Sanderson...............................Lurch
Neil Biggadike............................ Weedeater
Peter Laverick................................ Maverick
Peter Thomason ...................Vibrating Vulva
Piotr Lekawski................... Haven’t got yet :)
Por Jattupan..........................................Por
Richard Jones...................................... Scrot
Stephen Crone................................. Captain
Struan Robertson....................... Peeved Cat
Suangsan Chotithamaporn................ Sanker
Suparatana Minderjahn............. Suparatana
Tashi Tsering.........................................TBN
Thomas Wilson...................Beyond Venereal
Wolfgang Minderjahn.......Shitty Shitty Bang
Bang
Raymond Keys............................. RocketBoy
Agnes Teh....................................Spa Barbie
Ben Crookenden.................................. BenC
Christian Le Duff............................. NoName
Colin Alexander............................Barbarian
Craig McTurk..................... Knobby Boy Scout
Dave Denny.
Geoff Leeming.................................. Gromit
Hoon Wah Ng.................................. No Good
Janus Dalsgaard.................... Flaming Janus
Jashcha Ortmanns....................... Phone Sex
Jeffrey Bradford......................... Coo Cho Coo
Jesus Tosca.................................. Whore Net
Kiyoko HosoiLars Nelleman
Louise Donaldson........................... Too Easy
Marc Donaldson............ Fat Crashing Bastard
Nicolai Thrane...............................NO-Name
Patrick Escalle................... Old Worn Stompy
Philip Briandet.................................... Tijoe
Regan Washer........................... Turtle Head
Reto Brosi.................................GoPro Botch
Richard Matthews...........................shit stop
Shirley Djong
Thomas Banas................................. Banana
Tim Magee...................................... Copycat
Wendy Lee...........................Goes Both Ways
Yuri Arikawa...........................................Yur
Bukit Mertajam
Ang Soo Ching
Chan Kong Pheng
Choong Kar Wan
Goey Lye Saing
Goh Horng Tatt
Heng Leng Hock
Khor Boon Chin
Khor Joo Lee
Lee Shieu Hong
Lew Siau Kheng
Leong Chai Chen
Lim Choon Khim
Low Chee How
Ng Kim Hooi
Ng Saw Ping
Oh Ai Lee
Oh Kok Lai
Ong Shaik Khoon
Ooi Chai Lin
Pang Weng Jin
Shieu Hong Lee
Sim Kha Poh
Tan Bing Ee
Tan Chee Gin
Tan Chee Heng
Teh Guan Seng
Xuezanne UNG SU San
Yong Hong Lun
4
Kuching
Alan Thian................................Super Fucker
Bong Kim Choo.................................... Cicak
Chen Kee Chung
Chua Juan Chuan................................Snake
Jong Suang Tek
Robert Basiuk............................ Canada Bob
Teddy Yong
Then Tze Kim.................................. Big Cock
Thian Ching Yan
Tsen Chun Yi
Phuket
Aroon............................................. Accident
Carloni Alberto............................... Campari
Carlos Goncalves.................................Farter
Casey Bechtolt..............................Butt-Cycle
Colin Mackay...........................Swolon Colon
David Thomson................................ Ice Arse
Denys Van Rooyen................. Purple Vibrator
Diana Vogelaar............................. Purple PP
George Gerasimov...................Put In My Arse
Glen Dunkley..............................Bullet Rash
Greg Dick......................................Great Dick
Guy Lidureau.................................... Asterix
Harry Usher..................................... Houdini
Ian Waters...................................... Murkury
Jaspal Singh...................................... Topoff
Jerry Van Paassen............................Cartoon
Joy Dick....................................... Joy of Dick
Kawee Tansukatanon....................... Cobbler
Lesley Davidson...........................Jiggly Jugs
Lincoln Marrable.............. Can’t Get Your Shit
Together.com
Mark Goodman........................Bobby Sucker
Marina ................................Tequila Slapper
Mike Stark.................................... Dragonfly
Neil Hunt........................................Shuffler
Olivier Lambert.....................Manneken Piss
Paul Eaton.....................................Tokyo Joe
Paul James..................................King Klong
Roberto Galbiati......................... Rubber Toe
Simone de Cicco..................... Cacca di Mucca
Thomas Flindt................................... Wilma
Triporn...................................... The Coroner
Vietnam
Alex Holroyd-Smith...........................Alex HS
The Rides
Mai Khao Beach
Bang Tao Bay
Surin Beach
Here’s a rough outline of all rides, subject
to change by the hares if necessary to the
terrain and other conditions.
Red – Friday
Blue – Saturday
White – Sunday
5
A Hash History of Phuket
So you think that Phuket is just a party island? Uhum! Well
you’re right, it is. But, but…
there’s also some history…
About 3,000 years ago the Mongoloid peoples
decided life on the beach was better than the
freezing their balls off in the snowy tundras of north
Asia. They migrated south and displaced the negroes
who used to live on Phuket, (they had walked here
from Africa). These Mons and Malay Mongaloids
arrived in Phuket by boat (it’s an island stupid – of
course they did) but the interior jungles on the island
were full of terrifying animals, tigers, pythons, black
panthers and the worst of all–mosquitoes. So the
Mons decided to just stay on their boats at sea and
became the sea gypseys — Phuket’s oldest continual
inhabitants. The Malays settled ashore but used
their boats to become thieving and pirates. Which of
course explains why the Malaysians hashers all act
like thieves and pirates in the food and beer queues
today.
Around 1000 BC someone realised that if you heat
copper and tin together you get bronze, which is
malleable when hot but hard when cold – rather like
a woman. Bronze meant humans could now make
specialised tools and weapons, instead of scratching
around with sticks ’n’ stones ’n’ bones, so everyone
wanted it. But to make it they needed tin – which
Phuket had in abundance.
So soon enough along came the greedy traders …
yes you guessed it: the Indians and Chinese … Yup
nothing’s changed! The Indians arrived first and
took over the island for about a thousand years and
introduced Hinduism, Buddhism and later Islam to the
locals so they could all have something to fight about.
The Arabs also came east to trade. They loved coming
here from their conservative Islamic homelands as
they could drink the local beers and shag the local
slappers without looking like utter cynics … Yup,
nothing’s changed!!
Phuket was actually the real life base of now
fictionalised character Sinbad the sailor. In the
original “One Thousand and One Nights” Sinbad
declares that he moved to Phuket to “employ myself
6
Jolly entertainment in the
circle circa 1912. I’m tol
d
this is a picture of a local
GM punishing a visiting
hasher for not wearing an
appropriate hash t-shirt.
which proves conclusive
ly that early local people
were smoking too much
weed.
wholly
in enjoying the society of my friends and
making merry with them” — I was wondering if
maybe he was a hasher?
Around 1450 the Thais showed up, took power
from the Indians and Malays and introduced
those distinctive Thai traditions… tom yum kung,
massages and corruption. (Sorry let me recheck my
facts… maybe the Indians had already introduced the
last one).
Shortly after the Thais, the Portuguese arrived and
set up a factory and church in Tharua around 1560.
Then, exhorted by their wholesome Catholic priests,
they set about shagging as many local girls as they
could to create more Christians on the island. Today
there’s still a small Portuguese/Thai community on
the Phuket.
The Dutch came along next in the early 17th century
and kicked out the Portuguese so that they could
buy the tin cheap. Unlike the Catholics the Dutch
were not religious and only really cared about
making money and drinking beer …….Yup, nothings
changed!… But after continually loosing out to the
Thais and their traders and sailors coming ashore
being killed a lot they gave up and went off to rape
You wear your heart monitor to bed to make sure you stay within your target zone during any extracurricular activities…
Indonesia instead as it was less hard.
“Mon dieu!” thought the French in Pondicherry just
across the Bay of Bengal – “Ze Dutche ’ave gon’, we
can now go over zere and colonize Siam”. So they
sailed over and brown-nosed the Thai King Narai
until he allowed Phuket to be put under French
governorship for almost a decade. But because
the French acted so haughty and arrogant… Yup
nothings changed! The Thais rose up in revolt in 1688
and killed them all.
In retaliation the French sent a fleet to colonise
Phuket, hearing of this approaching French fleet
the locals adopted their normal form of defence–
running away to hide in the forests. So the French
found no-one to attack nor to dig up the tin. So they
sat on their hot dank ships waiting for someone to
show up so they could attack and colonize them. The
locals meanwhile were probably watched them from
a far under the shade of palms trees eating mangoes,
fresh lobster, smoking ganja and waiting for these
pesky Farangcaise (yes, that where the word “Farang”
comes from) to go away and stop bothering them.
Eventually, critically short of supplies of vital wine
and garlic the French could stand it no longer and
sailed back to India.
In 1785 the Burmese then invaded Phuket. So the
locals all ran away again. Well all but 600 who didn’t
have time, instead they hid in an old French fort
that lay in Thalang — around where well be riding
on the weekend. Under the leadership of two local
sisters, and using the 70 European cannons with
plenty powder and grapeshot that were fortunately
in the fort already, They managed to hold off the
Burmese. The two sisters who led the forts defence
are now known as the Heroine Sisters, and are
famous amongst Phuketians. The locals have now
built statues and parks in their memory which is nice
because they make great places for hash laagers.
Francis Light was an itinerant Brit who lived on
Phuket for 15 years in the 1770s. He was struggling
to make money and had an illegitimate son with
a Phuket whore … yup nothing’s changed!! He
named this son William Light and sent him away to
boarding school in England. In 1785 Francis Light
established Penang as a British colony so later in
1835 the South Australia Company employed his
son William to create the new city of Adelaide. Most
Australians have no idea that Adelaide was built by
the bastard son of a Phuket whore, but knowing this
probably helps to explain why so many Australians
come up to Phuket today to go whoring – it must be
kind of a homage thing, like Catholics walking to
Santiago de Compostella bareback – sorry, I mean
uNote an early local cave painting from the first cent
le
ry which proves conclusively that early local peop
were smoking too much weed.
barefoot.
The old Chinese emperor used to behead anyone
who left China without his permission–which was a
good incentive to not go abroad. But in the 1860s the
Europeans took over all Chinas its ports and allowed
the bottled-up Chinese to emigrate freely. Thousands
came down to Phuket to dig or trade for tin and by
1890 while there were just a few thousand Malays
and Thais on Phuket there were around 50,000
Chinese, in effect Phuket had become a Chinese
island.
In 1940, a nasty fascist, nationalist military dictator
called Phibun took over Siam and renamed it
Thailand – the land for Thais. He therefore started
kicking out the Chinese and many other foreigners.
But the wily Phuket Chinese simply stopped dressing
in their pyjamas with pig tails and instead dressed
like Thais, started to speak Thai and took Thai names
(which are actually Indian based as well as being
stupidly long and impossible to pronounce.) That
way everyone just forgot about them so today these
continued on 16
7
You
experience an unreasonable envy over someone who has bar end extenders longer than yours…
Being Bored?
How could that be possible?
Your hotel is right at the beach, leave your room to
enter one of the most beautiful and longest beaches
of Phuket; Bangtao. Jippie! Walk north to Layan
beach, which has a great lagoon connected to the sea.
At Bangtao beach you can hire a long tail boat to
take you to Chicken Island or Banana beach; nice for
some snorkeling.
If you would like to do some sightseeing, you might
consider to visit Big Buddha (closed after 5 PM),
a statue on a mountain in the south of Phuket,
from there you have great views over Chalong bay
and on a clear day you might even see PhiPhi-Don
if your eyes can reach that far. Stop at one of the
restaurants along the uphill road for a drink and a
bite. Once you’re down south, you might as well visit
Wat Chalong, the most beautiful temple at Phuket, it
is almost across the street from Big Boeddah.
A visit to Phuket town is very interesting. At
Thalang road you’ll find the oldest Chinese
pharmacy, where they sell an impressive range of
herbal medicine. During the weekend there is a
market with more than 200 stands, best to visit
after 5 pm, otherwise you’ll faint from the heat.
On Friday nights there is a food market at Boat
Avenue, nice atmosphere, lots of food, great shops.
Would you like to see the beautiful area of PhangGna bay, go for a boat trip to visit the Sea Gypsies’
village, James Bond Island, Hong Island. There are
several different tours to suit your taste. Beware of
the cheaper ones that usually cover for a significant
number of (Chinese) people to make the price
interesting. SeaCaveCanoe offers exclusive tours, info
and bookings via Diana (Purple PP).
Hire a taxi for a minimum of 5 hours (approx. THB
1800, additional hour THB 350), stop and go when
and where you want.
Or hire a scooter or car and discover the beaches
along the West coast; in the South more busier,
North from Surin beaches are more pristine and
quiet. The East coast is very nice too but has
mangrove beaches. Have fun!
For the lovers of markets; on Mondays and
Thursdays late afternoon there is a local market at
Bangtao, next to the Tesco Lotus and McDonalds.
You can find food, souvenirs, cloths, sunglasses and
many more here.
8
…Biker chick means black spandex, not leather, and a Marinoni, not a Harley…
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Ha
Chronic Relapsing Hashoholism
As a doctor, hundreds of my patients have been flocking
to my surgery in recent weeks asking me “Doctor what
are the hazards of Mountain Bike hashoholism?”
Well we doctors still know very little about the effects of
Mountain Bike hashoholism, but it is a highly infectious
condition first described in South East Asia in the 90s
and now spreading over the globe.
Epidemiologists have found no asymptomatic carriers of
the mysterious disease and no micro-organism has been
identified.
Originally confined to males, as depredations are now
ravaging the gentler (?) sex, venereal transmissions has
been postulated.
The female cases, however, show a peculiar selectivity
indicating in endocrinolegical immunological barrier
which, once breached, allows the distemper to manifest
itself in its most malignant lunar cycled form.
(These unfortunate mountain bike hashoholics receive
no sympathy from their spouses).
If he manages to find his office in the forenoon there is
difficulty in focusing the eyes, deferral of all decisions,
buck passing and dreciptate exit.
For “Lunch” with incoherent mumbles to the secretary
about “returning in the afternoon” (day not specified).
No treatment is known but temporary brilliant
recoveries have been recorded after oral/instruenous
rebeeration.
Unfortunately relapses occur at seven or twenty eight
day intervals throughout the lifespan of the sufferers.
If you are at all worried about the countless dangers of
MB hashoholism, you should stay in bed and consult
your nearest medical practitioner at the earliest
opportunity.
Symptoms exhibit a weekly periodicity beginning
with a marked restlessness, inability to concentrate,
and irritability on late MB afternoons, culminating
in a wild climatic behavioural regression, primitive
vocalizations of monosyllabic iterative “ON-ON”
and purposeless locomotor biking automatism
following visual hallucinatory coloured paper
trails.
This phase tends to last about half an hour
(longer for Thai gentlemen). Episodes have
always been observed as a group phenomenon.
Witnesses are strongly advised not to attempt
restraining victims who may react with violent
verbal and physical abuse.
The post–ictal phase is characterized by
compulsive beer polydipsia, inappropriate
hilarity and eventual coma.
The Monday dawn displays retrograde
amnesia, confusion, a curious lethargy,
weakness of all limbs, foul breath,
gummed eyes, headache, double vision,
tremulousness unsteady gait, vomiting and
drugging of copious sphincter burning
squittering semi-solid partially digested
stool in frequent explosive agonizing
spurts.
9
When I first arrived in Phuket in January 1986
for the construction of the Deep Sea Port I was
disappointed that no cricket was played on the
island, and then quite annoyed when I learnt that
cricket was played in Chiang Mai. Not only no
cricket, but there was no Hash (of the running
and drinking variety) here either. Well, I could do
nothing about the cricket at that time, but I could do
something about a Hash…
minutes of each other. It’s fun and costs only as
much as you care to spend on a few drinks. Alan
Cooke, 30 May 1986.
The run was held in Nai Harn, just a kilometre or so
up on the road to Kata.
The following is directly extracted from the History
Page of the Phuket Hash House Harriers (HHH)
website:
Phuket Hash House Harriers was started by Alan
“Sir Dubai” Cooke and his wife Marie “Mrs. Dubai”
on Saturday June 14th 1986.
Thanks to our G.M. Emeritus, we all can relive some
of those younger days.
The first photo from a PH3 run was from Run 2 on
21 June 1986. There is also an accompanying article.
Sir Dubai is the Eugene Terreblanche lookalike.
Back to Run #1. Although we have no photos we
have the following information…
The PH3 will have their first run on Saturday 14th
June at 5 p.m. This will start and finish at the
location shown below.
We should be very pleased if you would come along
and join us. If you have no previous experience of
hashing, I will explain briefly what it’s all about.
The Run usually takes 45 to 60 minutes, depending
on the type of country, the distance would be about
6 km or a little over.
The trail for the run is laid in such a way that the
strong front runners cover a greater distance than
those who walk and run just a little, (I’m in the
latter category). If the run has been well laid the
fast and slow runners should come in within a few
10
The first photo from a PH3 run was from Run 2 on 21
June 1986. There is also an accompanying article. Sir
Dubai is the Eugene Terreblanche lookalike.
Of the 17 people I count in the photograph eight are
from the Port Office, including the Japanese diving
team of four. The office workers who showed up for
the runs quickly faded but had served their purpose
in making up numbers on day one. A useful addition
was “Gorgeous” in the front with his Indonesian
wife from the Medan Hash, resident here then and
now and still a 179
‘front running bastard’ just a bit younger than me.
In the back were
two oil workers
who did turn
and turn-about
offshore. They
became regulars
for many years,
and became
lifelong friends,
as in fact are all
Hashers.
‘Dubai’
You experience an unreasonable envy over someone who has bar end extenders longer than yours…
U
P
G
A Weekend on Koh Yao Yai
A secret undercover Phuket Mountain Bike hasher
reports…
On our way to Koh Yao Yai for the yearly AGPU
weekend. Right now Great Dick is fixing Swollen
Colon’s flat tire (don’t ever let your mind go into the
way of holes in black rubber, argh). Seems done now,
we’ll see if it stays good.
Purple Vibrator sitting next to me being a mobile
unit – on the phone now + tablet on his lap –
reporting that we’re with 10 people on the boat,
including two Germans (secret Russians), apparently
friends of Wilma (not!)
Purple Vibrator just made sure to keep “his shit”
cool, putting stuff in the giant white cool box
he took. Lots of beer in there, I believe Campari
(whoooaahh) too!
24th and 25th August 2013
moment during the ride I passed a little shop and
these 2 dudes were sitting there at ease, easting rice
cookies and shouting at me to come back and join,
immediately I took advantage by taking the lead.
LOL Toolbox had said, prior to the ride, that anyone
who could provide him with a photo of the place
where Wilma had fallen off his bike would be given a
free beer. Obvious indeed the place where Wilma had
fallen, apparently without a real reason, man that
guy drinks too much, how else could he have fallen
off there? Place utterly covered in pink
Everybody finished within time, food was great.
During and after the Saturday evening Bike Hash
AGPU circle
Most of our Bike Hashers were staying at the
Heaven Resort, either camping or in a bungalow.
During one of our previous visits for receeing, I had
seen the rooms and decided to go for a better option;
the Glow Elixer Resort, managed by a (Oh BTW I’m
sorry but I’m gay) couple, great guys. Testicle Tom
and his wife had decided for the same. I shared the
room, a true little palace, with Spreadswell, a recent
novice from
the Saturday
Running
Hash,
who had
mentioned
to me that
she was tired
travelling
on her own
and looking
for company.
Hence I invited
The ride on Saturday, since all of us had to take the
her to join for
Sunday 04:00PM ferry back to Phuket; oh!? Did
someone tell you the AGPU this year was on Koh Yao the occasion
with approval
Yai (perhaps myself?) LOL
from Toolbox
The ride was perfect and oh yeah, so funny! You
and Wilma. That
know how fast Great Dick and Purple Vibrator are,
was fun and
right? Couldn’t keep up with them, at a sudden
continued on 15
11
A Power Bar starts tasting better than a Snickers…
Looks like we’ll be going to have some fun, weather
is awesome, boat is steady and we’re happy.
Phuket Mountain Bike Ha sh
The Beginning
On a rainy Sunday morning, twelve mountain bike
riders set off from Big A Resort (just south of Chalong
circle) on the first Phuket Mountain Bike Hash.
This was Sunday 22nd August 2004. The start had been
planned for 10:00, but after the Saturday afternoon
running hash and subsequent partying, this turned out
to be a bit optimistic and by the time the group of red
eyed riders assembled, the time was closer to 11:00, a
late trend that prevailed for more than ten years, even
though the start time was moved to 15:00.
The Hares for this first ride were: 2 for 1, Barf
Wader, Murkury and Wilma.
The other riders were: Blast Off, Dave´s Not Here,
Flubber, JC, Little Pigmy, Swollen Colon, Top Off
and Colin Fraser.
The idea to start this (now successful) bike hash
came from, in part the experiences of Barf Wader
and Murkury who had been doing the Singapore
Bike Hash for some years previously, and Wilma who
was equally instrumental in getting us started.
The ride covered the hills and rubber plantations in
the Chalong area with good riding trails following
those made by the plantation workers and some
tricky bits linking it all together.
When we all got back eventually, first ride T-shirts
were given out and a lot of beer was consumed as
various riding offences were related.
All agreed it was something we should continue, so
next month (September) Barf Wader, JC and Murkury
hared a ride in the Thalang area and in October Blast
Off and Flubber hared a ride to Bang Wad Dam.
On On – Murkury
Phuket Mountain Bike Hash
Grand Master History:
Aug ’04 - ’09: Wilma, Murkury, Barf Wader
Aug ’09 - ’12: Wilma, Stupid Fucker
Aug ’12 - ’14: Wilma, Toolbox
Aug ’14 - ’15: Wilma, Manneke Piss
Aug ’15 - ’16: Wilma, Purple PP
AGPU 2015@Khao Lak
12
THE STORY OF
TOOLBOX
and how he became a Mountain Bike Hasher and Grand Master
You know, it was “Spineless Prick” who spoiled the
Hash for me. Not him personally, he’s a perfectly
decent chap who has since left Phuket’s shores,
but the name made me wonder about this Hash
malarkey. Well initially at least. I never knew the
story about how he got his name. I wasn’t there but
I know the Phuket Hash can be a bit pointed in their
observations of character and deed and most often,
spot on. Maybe not with Flying Dickhead.
That was with the running brothers but when Harry
“Houdini” Usher convinced me to join him for a bash
about the bush on a bike over at Bang Wat dam I
reluctantly agreed and made mental note to self to
contain things somewhat and fly under the radar if
possible. We arrive, ah bugger – the blokes and the
bikes – I was fucked!
Those that know me realise I am a sick puppy when
it comes to bicycles. Some do booze, birds, boats…
I do bikes. Some gleeful years in Phukets property
management market allowed me to indulge myself.
Not with the flashiest bit of kit but preferably
unusual. Well this was unusual. I raised the average
age to 62 and the age of the bikes to twelve. I’ve
since come to realize that Phuket is hard on the body
and the bike. I had recently taken possession of a
full sus Trek and was suspiciously viewed by a couple
of old blokes who were looking at me like I had an
alien between my legs whilst shadowing a wish
that we could start so they could justify the
post-race beer ASAFP.
cased and no one was making 1" steerer tubes for
suspension forks any more so I had to wait a whole
year to get back to South Africa and haul back the
original chromoly straight legs so I could start riding.
Happy and occasionally hazy wandering through the
rubber, into the hills and up Phatty Ridge made me
realize that this was possibly some of the best free
access off road riding to be had anywhere.
Now here is was meeting a whole tribe of left of
centre free wheelers whom almost didn’t care if you
licked windows as long as you rode nicely, drank beer
and didn’t take things too seriously.
Especially the naming thing. It’s a test you know.
Some say it’s like God never giving you a burden, no
matter how heavy, you can’t handle. Well most times
anyway. Hash Gash Flash.
We have poured over Google Earth to see what was
over that hill and tried to get Garnim to interface
with everything. My hard drive haemorages when I
boot up the tangled squiggly mess of blue, pink and
yellow lines that make up my memories of riding in
Phuket and from the Andaman Sea to The Gulf of
Thailand.
“Dam Buster” was the Hare, being the
man in charge of the dam in question
provided some insight into this name
thing. We were duly sent around
the dam and after a mother of
a portage through the jungle
completed by a lovely loop back
to the wall where lies and beers
went round and round. Such glee!
That was 2006?
I’d been riding the north of the
island since 2002 on my trusty ’91
Bridgestone MB2. The forks were
13
Limestone karsts, rivers, red ants and village food.
Straight lining for three days towards Surat Thani with
a bike and a will to go thataway. There is not a track
north of Thepkassatri that I don’t know except for the
one where some muppet had placed a barbed wire fence
across the path within the preceding 5 days since I rode
it last. I don’t take downhills for granted anymore.
“Secret Agent Dick Gobbler” asked me to share a few
memories. His name was something else until he
asked for a new one and got let that be a lesson to you.
Memories after a hash are a tenuous thing anyway. A
monthly Sunday afternoon blur of mud, dust, rubber,
buffalo, laughs and beers. But we all love the ones when
someone gets a name.
I am sorry I am not able to join you on the momentous
occasion of the Phuket InterBike Hash but be sure to
know that the locals are friendly, sharing in their beer
and the trails we enjoy on a regular basis.
On On Toolbox
Sadly, we have just learnt that Toolbox has a serious
medical condition, requiring a heart valve replacement, when the doctors told him the news he asked
“Would that be a Presta or Schrader?”
“Delisha-Lickalot”, she was/is. Purple Vibrator who
owned a purple “Invader” when he as a kid. All the
Fuckers, Stupid, Lazy, etc. A couple more and you
would have a Disney movie. Probably X rated tho. The
Italian collective of the Pizza Company Staff Party with
Campari, Rubber Toe and Cow Pat who broke a bit of a
record in the naming stakes by falling in a buffalo turd
on his first ride. Oooh rough. The Thai Connection,
all with names accorded their involvement is scraping
“Accident” off the track.. “Coroner”, “Mortician”, etc.
“Blastoff” living up to his name at the “Worst Laager
Site in the World” verbally tearing “BC” and “Stupid
Fucker” a new one for sending him round the lollipop
course twice. Yes the site still exists, it’s an official
landmark in hash circles. Just under the power
line next to the freeway on a dusty lot in UdonGodknowswhere, Phang Nga.
We don’t see much of the Old Guard these days.
Raucous in the circle and darn right scary if they went
over the hill to Patong. King Klong who fell into one
once, Swollen Colon joins if he’s not full of it. BC, ask
the meaning in the same hushed tones as VBF. Stupid
Fucker who thought the coconut cups on rubber trees
are for holding the candles at night. Barf Vader and her
son Puke Skywalker visit another galaxy far far away.
Lost Soul and Testicle Tom have sped ahead on the
Great Downhill in the sky. Remember guys, brakes are
for chickens.
www.tularuxa.com
So finally to me, “Toolbox”. Allegedly I have tools and
can fix bikes, but a certain lady hasher has an image
indelibly seared into her deep subconscious of us on
a yacht in Hon Tre Bay, Vietnam, me on the mast
curtailing the gyrations of a sail in a squall and only
wearing a sarong. Eager hasher and onceuponatime
GM who occasionally sits on the stoep of a Cape
country village and fondly remembers that Phuket and
the South of Thailand have the best free access off road
mountain biking anywhere. Period!
14
You view crashes as an opportunity to upgrade components…
AGPU continued from 7
nice, truly behaved like schoolgirls! LOL The Glow
Elixer is located about a 10-15 minute bike ride from
Heaven.
After the circle, that Saturday, of course good old
Testicle offered us a lift; he had brought his car,
to return safe and sound to our “Grand Palace”.
However the both of us (Spreadswell + I) weren’t
ready to go yet, oh we politely thanked and kissed
Testicle on the cheeks for a good night rest.
My friend think’s he’s smart. He
said onions are the only food
that make you cry.
The evening was great with the whole lot pissed as a
nute and stoned like a shrimp! I wasn’t so much, due
to a splitting continuous headache, and most of the
time I was totally flabbergasted what all these guys
were talking about; amazing stuff, so funny! all quite
SF!! LOL!
At a sudden moment someone decided to go for a
night ride and a little group started to get ready
to take off. Spreadswell and I quickly joined as
we recognized the opportunity to get back to the
grounds of our Grand Palace safely guarded by the
pack. Riding in the pure and utter darkness with a
silver ray of light from the full moon that night, could
have been so romantic, however surrounded by a
bunch of pissed & stoned nutters it had something
surreal and the few headlights flashing up and down,
from the right to the left, looked like the police was
on the search for escaped prisoners. In spite of all
that I managed to recognize the turn to the resort
and separated from the pack, vanishing into the
night. Arriving at another turn to where our Grand
Palace for the night was located somewhere, I found
someone had followed me (not Spreadswell). I stopped
my bike for a last chat and goodnight hug, only to find
myself next moment tangled in a passionate, moist,
long-extensive long-lasting kiss, until suddenly,
rather unexpectedly, we were interrupted by another
cyclist (Spreadswell) who came riding silently around
the corner but ended up in the bushes trying to avoid
running into us, causing the intimate moment to end
abruptly and forcing me to head off together with
her to find our G.P., the other turning swiftly and
disappearing into the night. Wrong Palace was found,
key didn’t fit and we spent half an hour to eventually
arrive at the correct place.
So I threw a coconut at his face.
Next morning I noticed the following message
had been sent to my mobile at 00:44AM; “Are you
awake? I just been in you resort. I am choked how
gond you are for kissing? You need more training?”
What’s that? OMG! Did I miss an opportunity? LOL
Never before someone mentioned to me he choked
for kissing …
15
You
empathize with the roadkill…
Phuket History continued from 7
same Chinese families still control
Phuket but they are now called
Thai/Chinese. They themselves
tell us, “We now have Chinese
blood, Indian names and Thai
nationality”, oh – and also loads of
money.
The Japanese occupied Phuket
in WWII. The last kamikaze
attack of the war took place from
Phuket airfield against British
navy ships about to invade. But
just before the allied invasion the
Japs surrendered, didn’t say sorry,
and went home. Kamikazes were
not seen again on Phuket in such
force until the 1992 Inter-hash in
Phuket when over 138 shooters
were believed to have been drunk
in one night at the Expat Sports
Bar in Patong.
Since the WWII the people of
Phuket carried on their simple
livelihoods of digging tin, growing
rubber and eating all the islands
wildlife. That was until someone
in the west invented backpackers.
They started coming all the way
here in the 1970s to get all laid
up… Yup nothing’s changed!
Now Phuket is infested with
tourists, who clog up the beaches,
the roads and the airport just like
rats… no hard feelings guys, do
enjoy your stay… (squeak squeak!)
The island is now developing so
fast that we local hashers feel
rather like the Thai wild elephants
having less and less natural
habitat to roam in every year.
Our worst fear is there may soon
be no horizontal green space left
on the island and we may end up
like those seriously endangered
animals, the Penang Hashers,
or – God forbid – we may have no
green at all to run or ride in one
day and may end up like – God
forbid – horror of horrors: The
Bangkok Hashers!
The first and only book
covering Phuket’s rich history.
The second edition now
available as an ebook.
Swolon Colon
www.HistoryofPhuket.com
16
“This is a fine book, and a
must-read for anyone on the
island who has ever ventured
outside the hallowed halls of
Bangla Rd. Buy it.” – Alasdair
Forbes, thephuketnews.com
You have more bike jerseys than dress shirts.
B