Leafs Win Cup Everything Goes Wild!

TO I K E . S KU L E .C A
Asteroid Strike
Might Not Be
Bad Idea
MARCH 2013
Chimp Earns
4.0 in EngSci
pg. 3
pg. 3
Leafs Win Cup
pg. 5
Everything Goes Wild!
pg. 7
Encounters with the
University Slacker
pg. 6
Beer Pong Losing Streak
Devastates Frat House
pg. 8
ISSUE VI, MARCH 2013 - PAGE 3
PAGE 2 - THE TOIKE OIKE, VOL CII
EDITOR I A L
THE UNIVERSITY OF TORONTO’S HUMOUR NEWSPAPER SINCE 1911
VOLUME CII — ISSUE VI — MARCH 2013
H
ey there. You’re currently
reading the editorial, and if
you’ve read any of my other
editorials so far this year, you probably think that I’m about to jump
headfirst into a torrent of lame jokes
about this issue’s theme. If that’s
the case, I don’t blame you because
that’s pretty much my thing. However, I’m going to start it off a little
different this time, so bear with me.
Heh, bear. Rawr.
As a humor newspaper, we have
a great appreciation for every genre
of comedy, and often try to incorporate as many of them as possible into
our work. And I think we’ve done
a damn good job of that this year,
except when it comes to one classic
comedic staple of humanity’s laughter diet: slapstick. We simply don’t
write enough articles that hit you
in the face or pull your pants down
while you’re reading. Sure you can
rub the back page all over the face
of someone you don’t really like, but
let’s face it, that becomes a lot less
fun once your victim decides to beat
B740 Sandford Fleming
10 King’s College Road
Toronto, ON M5S 3G4
the shit out of you for doing it.
If there’s anything I’ve learned
from America’s Funniest Home Videos having been on the air for 23
years, it’s that laughing at idiots who
film themselves getting kicked in the
balls never gets old. It really is too
easy, you just have to find something
stupid, show it to other people with a
humorous pretext, and bam! You’re
a comedy wizard.
Now that’s where all these giraffes
you may have been wondering about
come in. You see, with a theme
like “National Toikeographic”, we
needed am angle for our slapstick
humor, and thankfully evolution
gifted us with exact that, in the form
of a wondrous creature known as the
giraffe.
I don’t need to explain anything,
you can see it all right from the pictures. Giraffes are basically like the
teenage boys of the animal kingdom: they’re tall and lanky, pretty
awkward, make lots of stupid faces,
get into trouble and generally mess
everything up. It’s adorable, and
evidently it’s also the best answer
for slapstick comedy within a newspaper that we could come up with.
Interestingly, it seems to work better
if you smack yourself in the face with
a banana peel while reading, so you
might want to give that a try.
Other than that, before you delve
into the issue I just want to congratulate everyone involved in Skule
Nite for another amazing show, and
assure everyone that anything that
may or may not be located on page
five of this issue is intended to be entirely of a joking nature. Mostly...
Now, without further distration,
please continue reading the rest of
this wonderful paper.
Evan Boyce
Editor-in-Chief 1T2-1T3
tel: (416) 978-2917
fax: (416) 978-1245
http://toike.skule.ca
e-mail: [email protected]
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
SENIOR STAFF WRITER
Andrew Jerabek
HEAD GRAPHICS TEAM
Cyrus Lau
Heewoo Ahn
HEAD COPY EDITOR
STAFF WRITERS
CONTRIBUTING WRITERS
COPY EDITORS
PHOTOGRAPHERS
SPECIAL THANKS TO
ETTERS TO THE LEDITOR
Evan Boyce
PRINTER
AD PLACEMENT
Ivan Matijevic
Amanda Bell
Jeremy Shindman
Allison McPhail
Samantha Summers
Michael O’Dwyer
Eric Andersson
Nikola Dimiskovski
Austin McLean
Andrew Nestico
Graham Perry
Judy Shen
Aidan Solala
John Sweeney
Tom Moiannou
Ingrid Grozavu
Eric Andersson
Nicole Cyhelka
Amanda Bell
Anonymous Girl
Weller Publishing Inc.
Campus Plus Advertising
COLOPHON
Dear Editor,
Finance, Pierre Harfouche
Dear Editor,
I recently found out that
my girlfriend is pregnant.
Any ideas on what I should
do to get ready for the
baby?
Dear Pierre,
What do you do if there
isn’t enough content to fill
up the Toike in any given
month?
- Me
I totally see your side of things. That’s
why, just for you, we’ve put a picture of
a lovely lady on the cover of this month’s
issue. I hope it fulfills your strange,
somehow Toike-related sexual fantasies.
Dear You,
- Evan
Dear Curious Reader,
Having a baby is a pretty big deal, so you
might want to prepare by making some
important changes to your life. Most
notably, your name, phone number, and
address.
P.S. You should probably think about what
you’re saying before sending Facebook
messages to the Toike Editor ;)
- Evan
Sending letter via telegram
STOP
Also, you’re cute STOP
Call me sometime STOP
Dear Editor,
Your Toike cover pages
this year suck compared to
the 2008 ones. Those had
some pretty hot girls on
the cover. All you have on
yours is a bunch of dudes.
Soft.
-
- Curious Reader
Engineering
Society
VP
Dear Editor STOP
Not enough content? There’s no way that
would ever happen! Hundreds of students
from across campus practically beg me to
put their stuff in here, obviously! That
being said, if the situation ever arose, I
would probably just end up using some
filler or something.
Thanks! You’re pretty cute yourself STOP
No, you stop! STOP
Seriously, stop STOP
Aarrrgh, what the hell, why won’t you
stop saying stop? STOP
FuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuSTOP
- Evan STOP
It tastes great on toast, too!
- Evan
Send your own letters to the editor! Email [email protected] with the subject “Dear Editor”
The Toike Oike is produced anew each month using 3 bottles of Cuervo,
a Commodore 64 and a pirated copy of Microsoft Paint. Typically, our
staff meetings devolve into testosterone-fueled creative arguments,
resulting in a good ol’ fashioned Mexican standoff followed by some selfdestructive competitive drinking. Once everyone achieves a healthy B.A.C.
of approximately 0.25%, the migrant tequila fairies stealthily deposit a fully
completed Toike issue onto our hard drives.
WHAT HO?
The Toike Oike began in Washington D.C. in 1888 as a club for an elite group
of academics and wealthy patrons interested in travel. It has since evolved
into one of the largest non-profit scientific and educational institutions in
the world, with interests in geography, archaeology and natural science, the
promotion of environmental and historical conservation, and the study of
world culture and history.
DISCLAIMER
The radical, ultra-naturalist opinions expressed in this newspaper reflect
those of the Engineering Society and the University of Toronto. In fact, they
even reflect the opinions of the writers. NOT! If you happen to find any of the
material within these pages offensive, do not try to sue us, as we have a crack
team of racially diverse lawyers ready to bring tha pain and give out mix tapes.
Sucka MC’s ain’t shit.
NATIONAL
TOIKEOGRAPHIC
THIS MONTH’S FEATURED ARTICLES
Study: Massive asteroid strike
might not be a bad idea
Would solve problems like violence, poverty, war, and hunger, claim scientists
by Kate Middleton
Toike Oike Expert Existentialist
WASHINGTON D.C.–
r. Andrea Cheng, PhD in
Environmental Sciences
and professor at Georgetown University, has been making waves in the scientific community after the results from
her recent study were published
late this week. In the paper, Dr.
Cheng claims that a cataclysmic,
large scale asteroid impact represents the best possible solution to
nearly all of the global challenges
humanity is currently facing.
“I don’t understand why people are so surprised,” Cheng told
the Toike in a phone interview.
“Humanity moves forward by
finding simple, efficient solutions
to complex problems, and an asteroid striking the Earth is a perfect example of a simple solution
to pretty much all of our biggest
issues.”
According to Cheng, should
an asteroid of the right size – say,
a few kilometers in diameter –
strike Earth with sufficient velocity, humanity would see a nearly-immediate 100% decrease in
violence, poverty, pollution, disease, corruption, and oppression.
“All these issues – including,
given our history of biological
warfare, disease – would pretty
much instantly disappear. We’ve
run thousands of simulations
using state-of-the-art modeling
algorithms, and everything seems
to agree with these findings.”
Those objecting to Dr. Cheng’s
findings have criticized her implication that the death of humanity
D
Pictured above: An artists’ representation of what humanity’s best hope for improvement looks like
could perhaps be a positive thing. response to the study’s criticisms.
“It ain’t right,” said local resident “Part of our duty as scientists is
Betty Cooper, 53. “God put us on to put our work toward solving
this planet for a
humanity’s most
reason. It ain’t up “Should an asteroid pressing issues.
to some crackpot
Why would anyof the right size
scientist to deone be against
strike Earth,
cide when Judgthat?”
ment Day is.”
“That’s just
humanity would see
Dr. Cheng’s
morbid,”
said
a 100% decrease in
associate,
Dr.
Alan Pemberton,
violence, poverty, a Georgetown
Suzanne
Choi,
sprang
to
pollution, disease, student. “I mean,
Cheng’s defense.
I don’t want to
corruption and
“So what, are we
die. That would
oppression”
supposed to just
kind of suck.
consider
povSure, we’re reerty, hunger, war and other ter- sponsible for all sorts of horrible
rible human-wrought atrocities things happening in the world.
as good things?” she fired off in Like war, yeah. And poverty only
really exists because we made it
a reality, and hunger too. Same
for oppression, I suppose. And
– Christ, we have messed up,
haven’t we?”
“It’s not like the earth hasn’t
been hit by a huge asteroid before,” Cheng continued. “This
one would just come with the
added benefit of fixing our problems for us. It’s sort of like the
universe would be doing us a favour, if you think about it.”
The rest of the scientific
community has been quick to
endorse Cheng’s findings, and
have lauded her efforts in finding
an elegant solution for such a
wide range of issues.
Trained chimpanzee earns 4.0 in EngSci
Savvy simian surpasses other EngSci students in math, physics, and programming
by Nikola Dimiskovski
Toike Oike Monkey Business
ENGSCI COMMON ROOM –
any Engineering Science students were seen
holding their ears and
puffing their cheeks in hopes of
emulating the success of their
fellow classape James Cornelius
in the wake of last semester’s
engineering rankings. James, or
“Jimmie” a west-Asian trained
chimpanzee, earned a perfect
4.0 GPA and the #1 rank in the
notoriously difficult EngSci program. It seems Jimmie had gone
entirely unnoticed, as one source
was documented openly saying “I
thought I noticed a strange smell,
but to be honest most of us have
been too busy with problem sets,
exams, and design projects to
M
shower”.
When approached about his
success, Jimmie (who speaks
in an uncanny British accent)
claims “I simply read the textbook and attempted the problems, ergo I see, I do.” It seems
this chimp has made monkeys of
all “Engsci” students by throwing
a wrench in their storied “thisprogram-is-so-hard-not-evenan-extremely-talented-monkeycould-do-it” campaign. James
can be seen around campus riding on his colleagues’ backs as a
means of quicker transportation
which annoys some students
where “somebody get this damn
dirty ape off my back!” is heard
on a daily basis.
James’ trainer, affectionately
referred to as Uncle Zaius, was
able to elaborate on this unlikely
ape’s saga. As Zaius explains, he
found Jimmie in the depths of
the west-asian bamboo forests
working for an illegal Math Circus. “It was awful for him, I mean
truly degrading. They made him
execute volumes of rotation using
cylindrical shells” Zaius confided
with a grimace. Sources say audiences “ooh ooh-ed and ahh ahhed” at impressive acts such as triple hairy integrals done with just
his toes, nth order schwartzien
quantum equations done in sign
language, and the show stopping
hyperbolic vine swing.
Jimmie was able to give more
insight on his baffling results.
“Well calculus comes naturally
to me, I mean the integral sign
is essentially two bananas stuck
together. This program is just not
that hard.”
The faculty has embraced the
addition of Jimmie and professors are pleased that at least one
student does not feel compelled
to screech and fling feces during
midterms and exams.
ISSUE VI, MARCH 2013 - PAGE 5
PAGE 4 - THE TOIKE OIKE, VOL CII
Idaho first-grader suspended five
days for writing “gum” in notebook
“He may not have finished the word, but he had written ‘gun’, and we have a zero-tolerance policy”
by G.R. Beck
Toike Oike Idaho Bureau Chief
RICHFIELD, IDAHO –
ive-year-old Noah Erikson
likes playing tag with his
friends, watching Arthur, and
going to little league soccer practice.
Noah's parents Paul and Alanna Erikson, however, were shocked to
discover last week that Noah also
likes encouraging THE VIOLENT
DESTRUCTION OF AMERICA'S
SCHOOL SYSTEM.
"It started off as a writing exercise," said school teacher Donna
McPherson in an exclusive interview, "and it quickly developed
into something far, far worse." Ms.
McPherson of Liberty Eagle Elementary School was reportedly
watching Noah complete his writing exercise at 1:36pm when the incident occurred.
"As I watched him over his
shoulder, he had already written 'I
like to chew' and started onto the
next word. In a matter of seconds
he finished the first letter, a lowercase G, and I immediately broke out
into a cold sweat. I struggled to remain calm, mentally reviewing the
F
Pictured above: The horribly offensive page from Noah’s notebook
teacher's handbook and praying to
Jesus that this wasn't the g-word I
saw on the news.
By the time he finished the second letter, a lowercase U, I already
knew I might not see my family again. As my legs struggled to
support my weight, tears dripping
down my face, I stood paralyzed
and time appeared to stand still. For
a moment I fantasized about getting to rub this in the faces of all the
teachers who voted against arming
school teachers with taser rifles, but
I quickly realized that I might not be
alive to witness it myself. Heart racing and vision blurring, I watched
him start on the next letter.
Suddenly, before I knew what
was happening, I was blessed with
an inhuman burst of strength. As
the blood rushed to my face I let out
a shriek, ripped the child out of his
seat, and threw him across the room
into a coat rack with all the power
of a Ford Focus. Voice cracking and
flinging bits of phlegm, I screamed
at him to get up and go to the prin-
ciple's office. In tears, the child fled,
and the last thing I remember before blacking out was trying to dial
911 on my BlackBerry."
Donna McPherson was compensated $750,000 by the school board
for emotional damages and will be
spending the next 2 years at statefunded therapy in Hawaii. Fortunately, this cost was covered by the
profits earned in the Idaho State
Charity Rally for New Textbooks,
and so the Idaho School Board Association will not be facing additional debt this year.
The parents of Noah were sent
a letter concerning Noah's behaviour, and Noah will be spending the
next 10 years in mandatory angercounselling sessions before being
allowed to continue school ensuring that he never thinks about acts
of violence or defies authority again.
Although the Idaho School
Board Association admits this was
sparked by a misunderstanding,
they are not considering appealing
the zero-tolerance policy on pretend guns and are instead voting to
rename "gum" to "freedom chew"
in order to avoid confusion in the
future.
WWF announces new endangered species
The rarely-seen “sober university student on St. Patrick’s Day” at risk of disappearing completely
by Jay Sean
Toike Oike Irish Correspondent
UNIVERSITY OF TORONTO –
n its recent campaign to raise
awareness about donating to the
organization, the WWF (World
Wildlife Foundation) announced a
new endangered species requiring
immediate monetary donation from
the entire world.
The sober student on St Patrick’s
Day (sapian lameeeian) is a group
I
that can be identified by their zero
blood alcohol levels on St. Patrick’s
Day. They are typically found hiding in libraries and common rooms
across most university campuses.
The species has taken the wildlife enthusiast community so long to
identify due to its camouflage ability.
For 364 days of the year, this special
group appears exactly the same as
their university classmates. But each
year on March 17th, these creatures
exhibit abnormally high levels of
speech ability, fine motor skills and
general coherence unlike others in
dwelling in the campus ecosystem.
Perhaps the truly astounding trait
of the lameeeian that has amazed
the global community is their lack of
vomiting tendencies. Some specialists speculate that these creatures
may even process the ability to operate motor vehicles on St Patrick’s
Day. There is such an immense interest to see the lameeeians in their
natural habitat that the Engineering
Science Common Room is now operating daily tours.
The WWF has observed that the
species has already become extinct
at the University of Western Ontario,
and an official spokesperson for the
WWF released a statement today asking enthusiasts to refrain from pressuring these special students to consuming alcohol (including both beer
and green beer) on St Patrick’s Day,
for the good of the species.
In Soviet UTSU...
Democracy
Actually Matters
Of coffee in Tim Horton’s “Roll Up The Rim”
UTORwin Earns Name
Change to UTORlose
TORONTO, ONTARIO –
After years of being forced to access
the internet through “UTORwin”, a
campus Wi-Fi network with a user
experience that “could make the
Dalai Lama want to choke a baby,”
University of Toronto students
got some good news on Monday.
The university finally made the
decision to follow through with
a rebranding of the oft maligned
“UTORwin”, changing the name
to “UTORlose” to better reflect the
network’s true proficiency. The two
other campus networks, “UofT” and
“eduroam”, which work instantly
when connected to, do not require
continuous log-ins, and have been
described as “bitchin’” by the
general student populace, will not
be affected. Changes in the network
name are expected to be finalized by
the end of April 2015.
Pictured above: Tyler Bozak celebrates the cup win along with teammates Dion Phaneuf, Phil Kessel and Mike Kotska.
Protect
your head,
even in bed
RIAA Sues Somalian
Pirates, Legal Battle to
Follow
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA –
The Recording Industry Association of America has launched a legal
battle against what Chairman Cary
Sherman calls “rampant and illegal piracy” in Somalia. The lawsuit,
submitted in California Superior
Court, contends that the accused
“knowingly, and with malice intent,
did commit acts of piracy in violation of international and domestic
American laws.” The lawsuit seeks
damages to ‘artists’ totalling an unprintable sum. Sherman contends
that “each piece of artwork pirated
is a priceless piece of human culture, and cannot have a price justifiably attached to it, or at least
100 million dollars per song, that
seems reasonable…yeah.” When
contacted for comment, the accused
Somalians did not speak English.
However, translated earlier ransom
demands indicate that the alleged
pirates were only copying backups
of files they already owned, and that
they “were going to buy it anyway,
but now [we] won’t out of principle.
Taylor Swift Releases
New Single: Swift Shop
Episode IV:
A New Pope
Leafs Win Cup
News
Briefs
NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE –
Country pop star Taylor Swift, 22,
stormed to the top of the Billboard
100 charts yesterday after the release of her new single, Swift Shop.
“As with most of my songs, this one
was inspired by a past relationship,”
Swift said in an interview, and according to rumors swirling across
gossip sites, the song is based on
her secret fling with Ben Haggerty
– better known as rapper Mackelmore – last month. Sources say that
the couple broke it off after Mackelmore tried to take Taylor on a date
with “only $20 in his pocket,” and
expressed a frequent desire to wear
her grandfather’s clothes.
by G.R. Beck
Toike Oike Rim Roller
TORONTO, ONTARIO oronto hockey fans were
treated to a second Christmas this winter as - for the
first time in 45 years - the Toronto
Maple Leafs were able to bring
home the winning cup.
The winning cup, picked up by
Leafs Center Tyler Bozak, was purchased at 4:29pm on March 8th
from the Tim Hortons at King and
University. It was a large coffee, a
double double.
"[It] was really hot when I first
got it, way too hot to drink," remarked Bozak in a post-victory
interview, "but I was able to hold
it by only touching the plastic lid
and bottom edges until it cooled."
T
vs.
A comparative analysis
Name
The Toike Oike
Skule Nite
Released
Monthly
Yearly
Availability
Everyone gets one
Not enough tickets for everyone
Cost
Free
$16-$20
Comfort
Read anywhere, even while naked!
Must watch in theatre, cannot be naked, have to be quiet
Flexibility
Read anytime you want, at your leisure, over the course
of a month
Must attend at assigned date and time
Visibility
Front row seat every time
Usually awkward seats, unless you're friends with the
producers
Epilepsy Inducing
No flashing lights, no seizures
Flashing lights, several seizures
Washroom access
Can read while on the toilet
Have to hold it in the whole time
Eating
Grab yourself a snack while reading
No outside food allowed, $20 Häagen-Dazs
Seniority
101 years old
93 years old
Humility
Anonymous submission
Entire websites, booklets, and videos dedicated to showing
off the cast
Joining
No auditions, work at your own pace
Limited cast auditions, work and treat you like a slave
Access to past editions
All online for free
Show available for DVD purchase once a year, poor audio
and visibility, only sold to Skule Nite cast and crew
Ruined the Fake Frosh
Test by posting a video
of it on YouTube,
gathering millions of
views to advertise Skule
Nite
No
Yes
Upon finishing the drink, he rolled
the rim upwards to find it was winner.
Bozak, who has been trying a
more aggressive style of play this
year, proved himself as the Leafs
most valuable player in picking up
the winner. However, he was also
quick to credit his teammates for
the role they played.
“Well, it was Reimer who first
suggested that we grab coffee,” Bozak recounted, “so Phaneuf drove
us all to the Timmy’s while Kadri
fiddled with the radio in the front
seat. Lupul helped navigate with
google maps and Orr stuck his
middle finger and yelled “fuck you”
at a guy who cut us off. Once we got
there, Kessel passed me a toonie
because I didn’t have change.
Then Van Riemsdyk screened the
cashier while I slipped the toonie
past her. It truly was a team effort.”
Leafs Goalie James Reimer was
overcome by emotion as he spoke
to reporters during the post-win
celebration. “Seeing all the boys
take a drink from the cup after we
won was a really special moment
for me,” he remarked, wiping tears
from his eyes. “I’ve been dreaming about that moment ever since I
was a little kid.”
The winning cup was brought
back to the Leafs’ dressing room
later that afternoon, and team officials have confirmed that, as per
NHL tradition, each member of
the team will be granted the privilege of spending a full day with the
cup.
“This team has worked extremely hard all year,” coach Randy Carlyle said, beaming from ear
to ear as his players’ raucous celebration continued. “They deserve
to finally have a taste of success.”
The grand prize of a free hot
beverage of any size was redeemed
by Bozak later that day in the
hopes of possibly attaining another winner. “It would have been
funny to win another free coffee,”
said Bozak, completely unfazed by
yet another defeat, “but frankly, I
was just pleased to win once.”
Meanwhile in Vancouver, riot
damages recently exceeded $5.2
million after Canucks Left Wing
Alexandre Burrows rolled his
tenth "PLEASE PLAY AGAIN."
ISSUE VI, MARCH 2013 - PAGE 7
PAGE 6 - THE TOIKE OIKE, VOL CII
Encounters With the University Slacker
by Jake Shelton
G
reetings. For those in
engineering, arts & science
electives
present
an
overpriced opportunity to learn
something
uninteresting
and
provide humiliation by exhibiting
an engineer’s illiteracy. For
artscis, this is the norm. However,
artsci courses present an odd
challenge to those not accustomed
to going to lectures, maintaining
consciousness, or listening to
professors: you actually have to pay
attention and take notes. It seems
that to learn geography or history,
students need to learn from experts,
or at least remember enough of
what the ‘expert’ says to regurgitate
it onto an exam.
This is problematic for many
students. A large portion of artscis have no inclination to attend
or pay attention in class. But they
also need notes. Thus, these freeloading morons use the glories of
the internet to request these notes
from attentive, or at least neurotic,
students. This traditionally takes
the form of mass emails to the entire class, up to 1200 students, asking for notes because of illness or
alarm clocks or overworking, or
The slacker:
Hey guys,
e? I’m sick
Can I get the notes off someone for today’s lectur
. I can no
times
16
about
fits
as a dog, I almost died in sneezing
would be
It
.
home
stay
to
fit
it
ht
thoug
i
longer feel my face so
!
ciated
much appre
Cheers,
Alice
Loads of people sent me notes, and to you I exten
d my thanks! To
many replied for me to thank you individual
ly so everyone will
get this. For those that sent the notes.... Than
ks a million! For
those who did not... look back on this whole
situation and think
to yourself, “could I have done better?” I’m sure
you could have.
Much Love,
Alice
The reply:
Alice is right, guys - we can do better.
From now on we have to pull together. We will all meet after every
class to compare notes and compile a master set of only the best
points, which we will then present to Alice. This will ensure that Alice
is always up to date with course material.
Regarding essays, we will form a group of the top five students who
will collaborate on Alice’s essays and submit them on her behalf. This
is to be done before we start work on our own essays and we must
ensure that we do not repeat any sources or material, lest suspicions
of plagiarism fall upon Alice.
We will convene after next week’s lecture to find an Alice look-alike,
who will borrow Alice’s T-Card and write the exams in her stead. You
will, of course, forgo writing your own exam and receive a mark of
zero, but that is part of the sacrifice that we must make for Alice.
Further, we will institute a rotating lunch schedule wherein each day
(including weekends) one of us prepares and brings lunch for Alice.
Learn the list of foods Alice does not like to ensure that you do not end
up wasting her time. Be sure to include dessert, as Alice enjoys this as
part of a complete meal.
I have surveyed the class and have noted that there are several burly
individuals in it. You are responsible for carrying Alice between classes and to her house/residence. Should it be raining, an additional person will be required to carry an umbrella to make sure that Alice does
not get wet.
Finally, we will need two palm-wavers and one grape-dropper.
I’m sure if we all work together, we can do what it takes to get Alice
through this course.
Love,
Jake Shelton
even all three at once. The slacker
usually adds a nice please/thank
you and a brief insincere apology
to give their freeloading a veneer of
earnestness. They may also not be
considerate enough to spell or conjugate properly. If you cannot ask
for notes from an individual in the
class you know or are willing to converse with, then maybe this course
of action is justified, once. But the
repeat offenders must face (internet) justice.
Whatever is an anal student to
do? From genuine artsci experience comes these real (really, truly,
Toike presents...
Newest AdditioNS To The Girls GoNE Wild Series
honestly real) letters. Should one
run into an abundance of slackers,
action must be taken, and (s)words
applied. Three rules exist though:
1) Always remain polite. Nobody
likes or respects vulgarity or cruelty.
2) Never respond to any replies.
Aloofness got you this far already,
so do not stop.
3) Never send it to anyone in authority; always exclude the professor and TAs from the mailing list.
Remember, sarcasm is the superior
path.
Floors Gone Tiled
Codes Gone Compiled
The slacker:
Hi guys,
Hairs Gone Styled
Sorry to bother you all but I was wondering if
someone would be
kind enough to email me lecture notes/recording
from February
17. Im having a difficult time understanding some
of the concepts
from that lecture. I will be happy to return the
favour.
Please and Thanks,
Bob
The reply:
Ex’s Numbers Gone Redialed
Dear fellow students,
My name is Jake, and I am an international student from Nigeria. I
am writing to you because I am in a dire situation, and I have heard
that you can provide me with powerful assistance. My uncle, who recently passed, was the dean of political science at University College
Lagos. His substantial academic work is currently being held by the
university administration, as his academic will was left unpublished
prior to his demise.
I am writing to you so that we may together access and retrieve his
work. As part of the academic exchange program, the university administration demands a small fee of lecture material before they release his notes. To do this, I ask you to send me your course notes as
soon as possible, so that we are able to pay the academic holding fees
the administration demands. Out of his thirty-five published papers,
as a joint-beneficiary you would receive seventeen, as well as onehalf of his unpublished book.
Black Holes Gone Schwartzchild
Napoleons Gone Exiled
OJ’s Gone Mistrialed
Black Men Gone Racially Profiled
Time is of the essence as the university will lock the work in their
vault of knowledge if they do not receive payment soon. If you are interested in helping me, along with your notes, please send your name,
email, and social insurance number as soon as you can. Please, we
haven’t much time until the administration takes the work from us.
Laundry Gone Piled
Love,
Jake Shelton
When nothing works and you need the
prof to shut
down the mass email function on Blac
kboard
Hitlers Gone Heil’d
Dear Fellow Students,
I have noticed over the course of our course
(of course) that many
students have stopped attending lectures, and
are now requesting
notes via mass email. This troubles me great
ly, as not only are the
emails repetitive, uncreative, and annoying,
but wholly inefficient.
Crowds Gone Riled
I propose that we select among the remaining
lecture attending
students the best and most attentive note-taker
, and have them, of
their own FREE WILL, and under NO COER
CION, distribute their
notes to the rest of the class.
This Marie Antoi-note-taker would of course
compile any questions
any of us may have before lecture, and ask
them on our behalves.
I feel that this arrangement would be to the
benefit of everyone,
as we would all get notes, and the note-taker
would finally get the
satisfaction of not having to hear from all the
wonderful, studious,
hard-working students asking for the note-taker
's lecture notes.
Arnold Schwarzeneggers Gone Illegitmate Child
Oscars Gone Wilde
ISSUE VI, MARCH 2013 - PAGE 9
PAGE 8 - THE TOIKE OIKE, VOL CII
Frat house devastated as beer
pong losing streak continues
What a fucking waste Scientists achieve breakthrough
Things we’d rather pay money for instead of the UTSU
in study of drunk party girls
by Fox McCloud
Bros continue to have tough time getting the balls in
Toike Oike Fiscal Advisor
O
ur oh-so-mighty Engineering Society recently came
to the decision that paying fees to UTSU was bullshit and
did a little study to figure out if we
could do the same ol’ crap as them
with the same amount of money.
Turns out they could, and in fact
save a shitload of cash to the tune
by Kanye Lingis
Toike Oike Total Frat Move
ΣΦA HOUSE –
ollowing a relatively poor
start to the school year, the
Sigma Phi Alpha (ΣΦA) fraternity has slumped into a brutal
beer pong losing streak. According
to semi-credible drunken eyewitness reports from recent parties,
ΣΦA’s teams haven’t won a game
since December, and have been averaging only two sinks per game in
the last month.
Frustrations finally tipped over
last Friday, after the sixth straight
loss of the night prompted a ΣΦA
brother to drunkenly challenge his
opponent to a bro fight. Both individuals had reportedly gone flannels off, called each other “pussies,”
and were swinging their fists wildly
while instructing their bros to “hold
me back,” before the situation was
diffused.
“You can tell that this slump is
hitting everyone in the house hard”,
says former ΣΦA beer pong MVP
Andrew Jerabek. “No one’s taking
us seriously anymore. Hell, I don’t
think I’ve seen two girls make out at
one of our parties in months.”
The losing streak’s effects have
been widespread on ΣΦA house,
with the formerly epic parties featuring endless cheap beer and other
various substances having dwindled down to a few brothers getting
drunk on the couch. The recent beer
pong losing streak has even forced
all the members of ΣΦA to drink all
the beer themselves instead of using
F
- 56,898 Tacquitos ($3/5 @7-Eleven)
- 15,662 Liters Personal Lubricant
($1263.80/55 gal drum @Amazon)
- 115km of Spongebob Squarepants
Duct Tape ($7.50/10 yard roll @Tape
Brothers)
Pictured above: The sinks just haven’t been happening for ΣΦA
it to get girls drunk at their parties.
“I haven’t hooked up with a
sorority girl in months,” confided
ΣΦA brother Jimmy Tate. “It sucks.
Back when we were top house for
beer pong, the bros and I would be
Eiffel Towering some girl, like, once
every two weeks, minimum.”
For the last two weeks, ΣΦA
has put their efforts towards turning around their misfortunes, playing “casual beer pong” at the house
every night and hitting the gym to
get shredded. According to numerous members of the house, getting
swole by pulling mad reps will definitely help them win at beer pong
sometime soon.
Perhaps the largest concern
at the moment for ΣΦA is future
recruitment. The recent string of
losses has brought ΣΦA down 6 positions in the league, significantly
lowering the fraternity’s reputation.
With new recruitment now only a
few months away, there seems to
be little interest in joining ΣΦA and
members are worried that the reputation of beer-pong supremacy is
forever ruined.
The cause of this losing streak
has been a heavy subject of speculation among students. Some think
that the recent trade of Eric Andersson from Delta Kappa Epsilon has
changed the team mindset of the
fraternity, while others consider the
change from Pabst Blue Ribbon to
James Ready beer to be the cause
for this streak.
ΣΦA hopes to achieve supremacy again, but the first priority re-
- 1,896 Flemish Giant Rabbits ($50 ea
@Kijiji)
- 791 years of Brazzers porn
subscription ($9.99/month)
- Enough fireworks to probably cause a
second Sandford Fleming fire
- 8 working weeks of lapdances at Zanzibar ($20/4 minute song)
mains: snapping their losing streak.
Next week they face off against ΔKΕ
in the season-ending showdown for
another chance at redemption.
“Thank god we get the porn
channel in this house,” Tate commented when asked if he was looking forward to another shot at
breaking the streak. “It’s about the
only thing I actually look forward to
every week anymore.”
This column used
to have whitespace
on it
Toike Oike In-Depth Investigator
TORONTO, ONTARIO his past March 8th, the world
saw the successful completion of yet another International “What About the Men!?” Day.
March 8th, which is perhaps
more commonly known as International Women’s Day, is a day during which misogynists around the
world gather to ask the question,
“Why do we need an International
Women’s Day? What about men?”
“I just don’t get it,” said Joe McTavish, 22. “Women already have
equal rights. They need to shut up
and stop complaining already.”
Kaur Sanjesh, an advocate for
women’s rights in Toronto, issued the following comment: “It
isn’t that women don’t have rights
– though in many places they still
don’t. What’s worrying in Toronto is that despite women having
rights, sexism does still exist. International Women’s Day is not a day
about complaining. It’s a day meant
T
to celebrate the victories and commemorate the losses that have been
felt in the long struggle for women’s
rights, a struggle that continues to
this day.”
Said McTavish in response to
Sanjesh’s remarks, “Any woman
who thinks women need more
rights is a man-hating lesbian.”
“Look,” said Bruce Hamilton,
19. “I get that women’s rights are
a big deal. But I’m not a bad guy!
I would never hurt a woman, and I
don’t think any of my friends would,
either. I guess I just don’t see why
there has to be a day for them, you
know? Like, that’s just celebrating
something they were born with.
That would be like having a White
Person Day, you know? That’s racist, and International Women’s Day
is sexist.”
When asked to comment on
Hamilton’s remarks, Sanjesh said,
“The achievements of women
throughout history, and the nature of the worldwide struggle for
women’s rights, often aren’t given
the attention they deserve. Interna-
tional Women’s Day is not really a
day for women to celebrate having
been born with two X chromosomes
– in fact, that is very much not the
point, as that would be exclusionary of trans*women and other
women who fall outside the gender
binary. The point of International
Women’s Day is to celebrate the
history of women, because often
when we hear about history we are
told about the history of men and
history which exclusively men were
involved with. This day is not sexist.
Rather, it is an answer to the sexist
nature in which most of the world’s
history and humanity’s accomplishments are presented to us.”
“Look,” McTavish said, “I like
women. But if we keep letting them
think they’re oppressed and whatever, they’re going to take over the
entire world, and what would happen then? A world run by women
would be all, like, emotional and
pink and shit. I’m not sexist; I’m
just saying. There’s no point in having an International Women’s Day.
Women have rights. They’re just
complaining.”
“Exactly,” Hamilton added.
“What are they even complaining
about? Women get respect. Women
have even more power than men,
I’d say. I mean, when was the last
time you heard about a women getting hurt? If I hit my girlfriend, I go
to jail. If my girlfriend hits me, it’s
a joke, or something. If anything,
men are oppressed, not women. It’s
downright dangerous to be a man in
this world these days. Women have
it really easy. They have to stop
making a big deal out of nothing.”
In other news, it is estimated
that one in every three women will
be sexually assaulted or raped in
her lifetime; according to the U.S.
Department of Justice, a woman is
raped somewhere in America every two minutes; and on December
28, 2012, the unnamed 23-year old
victim of a brutal gang rape in New
Dehli died due to the irreparable
damage and harm caused to her by
her rapists.
The official International Men’s
Day is November 19th.
- 11,440kg Extra-Fine Neon
Pink Glitter ($0.47/half oz @ Kit
Kraft)
- 27,094 One Direction Stickers
($3.50 ea @Hot Topic)
- 6,778 copies Punk Goes Pop
Volume 5 ($13.99 ea @Hot Topic)
- 1.18 Hard Hat Cafes ($80,000
each)
International “What About the Men!?”
Day declared a rousing success
by Kate Middleton
of $94,830. Naturally we here at
the Toike said “Ninety-five grand?
That’s a lot of meth.” And by meth,
we meant all this awesome stuff we
totally wanted to get that time at the
arcade when we got enough prize
tickets for an eraser or some shit.
Each item on this list was verified by
an independent third party to have
more inherent value and less buzzword-laden drivel than anything
currently on offer by the UTSU.
- 158,050 Giant Sticky Hands
($7.20/dozen @ RI Novelty)
- 12.9% of annual salaries, wages, and benefits of UTSU ($734,905 @
2012 audit)
- 79.8% of UTSU clubs funding ($118,774 @2012 audit)
Ability to withstand subzero temperatures while waiting in line for the club
finally explained
by Russell D. Jimmies
Toike Oike Science Reporter
T
he “party girl”: world renowned for her ability to
withstand subzero temperatures while waiting in line for bars
and nightclubs, wearing nothing
more than some makeup and a
small dress. For years, scientists
and engineers have dismissed her
unnatural resilience to frigid temperatures as a byproduct of elevated
blood alcohol levels and a desire to
conform to social pressures.
However, according to a recent
study published by the Department
of Human Biology at the University
of Toronto, the thermal properties
of “party girls” might actually hold
the key to revolutionizing the study
of how the human body interacts
with cold.
“Didn’t it ever strike you as
weird how some girls can just stand
outside in the winter, waiting to
get into a nightclub, without ever
showing signs of being cold?” asked
study lead author Dr. Peter Noh.
“That question was at the heart of
this study, and our results led to
some surprising conclusions to say
the least.”
Dr. Noh and his team conducted
their experiments with a group of
18-25 year old female study participants. Each participant was instructed to prepare as if they were
going clubbing, and most showed
up slightly tipsy, wearing strapless,
sequined, sheer, or lace tops, as well
as leggings, miniskirts, and various
types of dresses. The participants
were then placed in a wind tunnel
simulation of winter conditions and
observed by Dr. Noh’s team.
“The results were mindblowing,” said Charmaine White,
a graduate student involved in the
study. “For every single test we ran,
these girls remained physiologically
Pictured Above: Girls wait in line for a nightclub while remaining completely unaffected by temperatures of -17 degrees celcius.
unaffected by the cold temperatures.
Though they seemed generally
impatient and expressed a desire
to ‘do more shots’, there were no
noticeable effects beyond that.”
“Our first instinct was to assume
that these results had everything to
do with the demographic we were
working with, a genetic anomaly
specific to 18-25 year old females
or something like that,” Dr. Noh
remarked to the Toike. “However,
after performing the same tests on
various control groups, we were
forced to conclude that the attire
and attitude of the girls was the only
factor contributing to their inexplicable resistance to the cold.”
As the research team performed
further experiments, the importance of the subjects’ attitude in
particular became more evident, Dr.
Noh explained. “It wasn’t enough
to be dressed in clubbing clothes,
you also had to carry around a demeanor of youthful, intoxicated
indiscretion, a disregard for future
consequences, and a general lack of
‘fucks given,’” he elaborated.
After publishing his work, Dr.
Noh submitted a memorandum to
Canada’s Artic Exploration program suggesting that all researchers working in subzero conditions
be outfitted with a thong and a bottle of Jack as soon as possible, and
be given instructions to utter the
phrase “YOLO” at least once every
three minutes. The Russian government is rumored to have already
deployed packages of miniskirts
and eyeliner to its artic bases.
Dr. Noh also hopes to see some
positive social effects come about
thanks to his discovery, and is endorsing a program to provide low
cut tops and tequila shots to homeless people living in cold climates.
Even NASA appears to have
found use for the newly-discovered
properties, after the ISS sustained
damage to its MLI thermal insulation last week. According to reports
from the agency, astronauts on
emergency spacewalk managed to
fix the damage attaching a bra to the
exterior of the craft, placing a cute
tank top over it, and then removing
the bra.
The Toike Presents....
In Soviet UTSU... Sex positions inspired by the
#1: “The President”
- Lies on the bottom
- cries
- threatens to sue
Now it has cocks
Elections are run fairly, non-incumbents
have a chance of winning positions,
governance is transparent, a large
portion of student money isn’t spent on
overhead and staff salaries, extremist
political causes with no relevance to
education aren’t supported, legitmate
critisims of the organization are
addressed in a meaningful way,
students voting at meetings aren’t
referred to as “randoms” or “privileged”,
#2: “The VP INTERNAL”
- Ties you up
- Calls you privileged
#3: “The Renew”
-
Tells you Things will be Different this time
“Really, It’ll be better, I promise”
Does The Same Fucking Thing
Wonders Why You’re mad
#4: “The Special AGM”
- Doesn’t FiniSH
- Blames You
Lik dis if u cry
evrytim <3
ISSUE VI, MARCH 2013 - PAGE 11
PAGE 10 - THE TOIKE OIKE, VOL CII
“Social Media”rology: Your Weekly Forecast
To i k e Ku l t u re Ko ro n e r
Movie Review: Lawrence of Arabia
by Jake Shelton
Toike Oike Cinephile
S
tar Wars has never been an easy
series to match up to. Fans’ expectations of greatness always exceed
a filmmaker’s abilities. But Lawrence of
Arabia, David Lean’s not quite sequel to
the prequel trilogy, and not quite prequel
to the original trilogy might just do it.
While oddly named, Lawrence of Arabia certainly meets the bill for a great
space opera. The film sees a middle-aged
Obi-Wan (Ben) Kenobi on Tatooine following the Empire’s extermination of the
Jedi order. The story follows Ben as he
leads the native sandpeople in a revolt
against the Empire. The noble and honourable sandpeople fight for their freedom
against the evil and fascistic Empire in the
predictable, yet satisfying genre motif expected of Star Wars.
While philosophically simple, the film’s
spectacular action sequences, riveting dialogue, and classically outstanding acting
push it into excellence. The mature viewer
should note that Lawrence of Arabia’s
script and delivery is miles better than any
other film in the Star Wars anthology. The
actors seem to live their roles, with Kenobi
showing a more introspective, thoughtful
side of his character than the earlier films
allowed.
However, a large issue present in the
film is in the character representation and
canon continuity. The special effects are
underwhelming in the degree fans and
critics have come to expect of Star Wars. It
seems that Obi Wan has decided to shelve
his recognizable lightsaber, and exchange
it for the more inconspicuous blaster rifle
and sword.
Fans will also be disappointed if they
expect much force play. While Obi Wan is
as stoic as ever, and the action sequences
truly are spectacular to watch, Lawrence
of Arabia contains few levitations, force
pushes, or force chokes, let alone any sort
of lightning. Studio representatives explain this as a budgetary issue, citing the
cost of those effects, as well as their plot
inconsistency. And yet, in Lawrence of
Arabia, Obi Wan’s monkish brown robes
are replaced by white silk with gold trim.
More noticeably though in terms of
continuity is the great change in the characters. The sandpeople from the original
Star Wars film, as well as the first episode
of the prequels, have changed drastically.
They have a distinctly epithetic resemblance to Arab peoples. While the studio
again claims it as a result of budgetary
constraints, similar to the portrayal of
Klingons in Star Trek TOS (comparably
epithetic towards East Asian individuals),
the question arises of how much burlap
sacks and surplus Soviet Bloc gas masks
cost. Not much. It makes one wonder,
critic and fan alike, whether the science
fiction industry, ‘big sci-fi’, is engaged in
a sort of racist conspiracy to make racist
caricatures as cheaply as possible, rather
than doing so by spending amounts similar to historical dramas and comedies.
This critic thinks so, and Hollywood will
have trouble proving me wrong.
To sum up, Lawrence of Arabia is a
wondrous film. Excellent as a standalone
picture in and of itself, it adds great
character development to the Star Wars
series as a whole, providing much needed
exposition to Ben Kenobi’s character.
While technically lacking, it nevertheless
delivers the Star Wars experience, and
that is all we can demand.
8AM classe$
are painful.
With an average student return of $1000, at least taxes are painless.*
by Alan Sheppard
Toike Oike Mass Mediarologist
H
ere at the Toike, our crack
team of social mediarologists have been busy observing trends on the web. We have
forecasted them here, so you can be
prepared for everything the internet
will throw at you over the upcoming
week.
On the Twitter shores this weekend, #YOLO is expected to move
over warmer water, increasing in
intensity to a category 3 #YOLOcane by Thursday. We’re predicting that it’ll make landfall over
#swag, sometime early next week.
Local residents are advised to keep
indoors, as the trending topics are
likely to be flooded with #YOLOSwag for some time.
Instagram is looking at a 90%
chance of flurries of poorly taken
self-photos, but there will be no
lasting accumulation. Meanwhile,
the steady rain of images of food
is showing no signs of letting up in
the near future.
The high pressure air overhead
LinkedIn will continue to produce
inflated resumes, followed by a
massive flowery language bloom,
releasing pollen that will fill the air
and decrease employers’ visibility
of who you really are.
There’s a volatile Facebook system
moving in late tonight, expected to
bring in high levels of narcissism
and oversharing. A rain of likes
is likely, followed by a hail of comments. This system is expected to
be quite the boomer, so expect to
stay up all night looking at it instead of studying.
Google + has now been downgraded to tropical depression after it
failed to make landfall on
the social front. Expected to
dissipate by the end of the
week.
The drought of users
around MySpace is moving
into unprecedented territory, shattering all known
records. The community
is in desperate need of human interaction, with the
last know hit on the website
dating back to 2005.
A fog of grumpy cats is still
lingering over the front
page of Reddit, while the
Harlem shake is dissipating
quickly, and is expected to
be forgotten by the month’s
end. r/funny remains overcast with lame posts, while
upvotes continue to rise
around advice animals and
circlejerks in r/politics.
Pictured above: Head over to toike.skule.ca to see the full “social media”rology
report for South America, Europe, Austrailia, Africa, and North Korea.
TOIKEOSCOPES
ARIES
An unexpected occurrence
this week is going to flip your
world on its head. Turns out
one of those TTC buses on
your route is surprisingly
prone to rollovers.
TAURUS
Try to stay grounded in
regards to your romantic
endeavours this month.
High voltages aren’t that
pleasurable, anyway.
GEMINI
A picture is worth a thousand words, so stapling a
glossy 5 x 7 of your face to
that essay should definitely
be enough to get you above
the minimum word count.
CANCER
Your body seems to be
going through a rather
intense phase of physical
changes, which means it’s
probably time to lay off the
masturbation.
LEO
Tread lightly, your roommate is beginning to suspect
that you’re using his electric
shaver to trim your pubes.
VIRGO
Remember, the things you
really want in life aren’t
going to just appear on your
doorstep. Unless you really
want a flaming bag of dog
shit, that is.
LIBRA
Your recent choice to live in
the moment will come to an
abrupt, unfortunate end as
you are forced to learn that
Campus Police definitely
does not live in the same
moment as you.
SCORPIO
Important numbers to keep
in mind this month while
planning your future: 4, 8,
15, 16, 23, 42. Lottery numbers? You wish! Those are the
percentage grades you’re
getting on your final exams.
SAGITTARIUS
You will bring much joy to
another family this month,
thanks to your youthful
health and status as registered organ donor.
CAPRICORN
You’re literally the only one
out of all your friends who
actually likes Gossip Girl.
AQUARIUS
People have always told you
that you have a big heart.
You’ll prove them right by suffering a sudden and severe
myocardial infarction.
PISCES
.-- --- .-- --..-- / -.-- --- ..- / .-.-. - ..- .- .-.. .-.. -.-- / - .-. .- -.
... .-.. .- - . -.. / .- .-.. .-.. / - ....
.. ... ..--.. / - --- --- / -... .- -..
/ - .... . .-. . .----. ... / ... - .. .-..
.-.. / -. --- / .... --- .-. --- ... -.-.
--- .--. . --..-- / ..-. ..- -.-. -.- .
.-. .-.-.- / .... .- .... .- .-.-.-
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PAGE 12 - THE TOIKE OIKE, VOL CII