My Roommate, the Herbal Fashion Queen

Straight on Gay
My Roommate, the Herbal Fashion Queen
I confess to never having fit the profile
Anyway, I have another roommate who have been confused by his lamentation.
of the average gay man.
has been complaining lately that he has no
But I found the answers yesterday while
I have been a jock, a sports buff, and salary left at the end of the week. Since he showering in his bathroom downstairs. You
my home is decorated like a messy does not use drugs, smoke, or drink see, if you enter my shower upstairs, you find
Bennigan’s.
excessively, and works earnestly, I
a bar of Ivory soap, scrub brush, and some
I have never been much in the way of
basic shampoo. Well, you may stumble upon
fashion either, and I can still be seen
those mini-shampoo bottles I swipe from
terrorizing the courthouse in the same leather
over-priced hotel rooms, but that’s it.
vest I acquired twenty years ago in a
Not so with my fashion, trend-setting
Woodstock head shop.
roomie, who apparently thinks it is not
Over the years, I have shared my house
possible to live life without every form of
with many roommates, and some have gone
hygiene relief currently offered at Neimanon to great things, like Timmy, married and
Marcus, or is it Needless Markup?
a community leader in Michigan, or Joey,
Actually, I think maybe a saleslady from
gay and a videographer for ABC-TV.
the Galleria Mall has set up a kiosk
Of course, I have not always been
outside my downstairs shower. In
so lucky. Jason, as I recall, is doing
fact, I don’t think it can be called
ten years in Abilene for trying to
a shower anymore. I dub it ‘The
hold up a 7-11 while high on crack.
Branch Kentivian Center for
Anyway, as time passes, you get a
Hygiene Therapy.’ One entering
perspective on the lives and loves
said unit is accosted by a full
you have gained and lost.
variety of ‘Absolute Necessities.’
I have become a little bit like
Step into the tiled compound,
Mark Twain, though, thinking the
and the essential loofa brush and
more I know men, the more I love
the attendant Olay! Foaming Face
my dogs.
Wash greet you. Of course, no
My last roommate’s departure
modern young gay man’s home
has been very rewarding.
can do without the accompanying
Incorruptibly honest, Chris was
Neutrogena Pore Refining
nevertheless the messiest soul I
Cleanser and the Clairol Renewal
have ever lived with.
5X Advanced Strengthening
Forget that he burnt down my
System of Comprehensive
kitchen last year, this was like
Treatment and Hydration Therapy,
living with Linus from the Charley
Whether you’re a bitch, flaming queen, or a cheap slut, which graces the wall adjacent to
Brown strip. Wherever the Chris you can now express your individuality every time you wash the five-speed shower massage.
went, the Mess was sure to follow. your hands. Each bottle of crystal clear Liquid Personalities Well, the kid is but 23, beautiful,
When one day of laundry becomes hand soap is made with the finest ingredients and is gentle on aloe-skin protected, sun-tanned
a one-month production, you know your skin. All titles contain the same fresh, clean fragrance. years old.
you are in for trouble.
On the newly installed racks
Capture your essence at www.bluedoorCollections.com.
26
www.ExpressGayNews.com December 3rd, 2001
CYMK
below, reach carefully for the St. Ives allimportant Apricot invigorating scrub, and the
exfoliating crème, which is its indispensable
companion. You will find it mandatory when
applying the Clinique Shower Aloe Gel and
Soothing Face Scrub, so critical after the
Abercrombie and Fitch Raspberry Face
Wash Cleanser is applied.
Let us not forget the Neutrogena
Balance Normalizing Shampoo for Special
Hair, with volumizing physique amplifying
conditioners. No home is complete without
it, though it is but a prelude to the Avon Spa
White Marshmallow Shampoo, to be applied
immediately before the Calvin Klein Black
Gel Moussant. And to wash it off, there is
the Clinique Wash Away Gel Cleanser, in an
iridescent plastic, black glossy tube, that
probably costs more than the gel.
An herbal essence foot cream is then
available to keep those toes so special and
soft you will think they belong to a baby’s
rump. And only the finest in rejuvenating
powders, from Clinique to Calvin.
No Ammens Powder for my roomie, the
fashion queen. And then he wonders why
he has no money. Half is payroll is rubbed
on to his body every morning.
But then he does get laid all the time.
So I better shut up. It’s kind of like the
Woody Allen joke about his mentally
unstable brother, who thinks he is a chicken.
Woody says the family would like to do
something about it, but does not, because
they need the eggs.
I guess if it works, it works. I have a
feeling he is still being worked over. For me,
50 and rumpled, give me the old-fashioned
soap bar and hot water.