LIEFDE IS `AL WAT IS`

Transcription

Yasmin Verschure
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Love is ‘Al That Is’
LOVE IS „ALL THAT IS‟
www.yasminverschure.nl
email: [email protected]
Copyright © Stichting Shanti 2010
Everything from this publication may be duplicated, saved in a different digital format and / or
shared by means of forwarding, copying, printing only when
granted permission by the author.
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LOVE IS „ALL THAT IS‟
by:
Yasmin Verschure.
First published in the Dutch language as: “Liefde is „Al Wat Is‟”.
Translated by Frances Brettell and Joke Vrouenraets-van Eldik
Cover photograph:
Girl from North Sotho dance group – Yasmin Verschure
Dedication:
Out of infinite respect, I dedicate this book to Nelson Mandela, father of South Africa
and symbol of the true and infinite power of vulnerability and unconditional love,
transcending all restrictions and making all differences disappear. By breaking open
the prison in ourselves, all the prisons in the world become superfluous and we open
ourselves up to our true essence: universal brotherhood.
I would also like to dedicate this book to Ellen Kuzwayo, mother of South Africa, the
symbol of all the strong women in this world. Women who transform deadly hate into
life-giving love by taking down the barriers in themselves and seeing that there is no
difference between black and white. That in the end we are all striving for the same
things: unconditional love, acceptance, harmony, beauty and universal sisterhood.
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TABLE OF CONTENTS
Dedication
3
About the author
8
Others about Yasmin
8
Expression
8
Our deepest fear
9
Introduction
10
How it all started
Digestion
You have to die first before you can be reborn
Living in the here and now
Egypt
Abraham
Sweden
Peru
The Antilles
Light process
Sculpting
Be a Creator
Eclipse of the sun
Don’t put off until tomorrow
Hawaii
New Zealand
Australia
Dare to be flexible
Competition and possession
Fear
Making and creating
Miracles
Free will
12
12
13
14
14
15
15
16
16
16
16
17
17
18
18
18
18
19
19
20
20
21
21
Love is „All That Is‟
Love is unconditional
‘I let go, I let God…’
Live from your heart
Light and darkness
Without sin…
Sai Baba
Crucifixion
A divine impulse
Dare to be a good pupil
True teachers
Love one another
22
23
24
25
26
26
26
27
30
30
31
32
Dare to be what you are in essence
Dare to let the past be the past
33
34
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The light process
Nothing is impossible
35
37
Three months in South Africa
A lotus is no rose
38
38
Mamelodi
Sent by God
Apartheid and its consequences
Confrontations
Obstacles
New fruit
The dowry
Offenders and victims
Firm as a rock
Short-term solutions
Struggle for freedom
Feelings of guilt and sense of duty
Country of hope
Humility
Tools
Personifications of the One
Justice
Love
Beggars
Whatever makes your heart sing
Faith in God
40
41
41
43
44
45
45
46
47
47
47
48
49
50
51
52
52
53
53
54
54
Syabuswa
Straight from the oneness
Dare to make mistakes
Seclusion
Little things
Fear attracts fear
An excellent manager
56
56
57
57
58
59
60
Geluksdal
Living in the material dimension takes its toll
A period of transition
Becoming love
A fantastic symphony
AIDS brings about transformations
Immense love
Auxiliary troops
No sense of shame
Drops in the ocean
A course in duality
Mastery
Inspiration
Mirrors
The ego
Uprisings
Sadness
Bringer of joy
61
62
62
63
63
64
65
66
66
67
67
67
68
69
70
70
71
71
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Travelling
Security systems
Personal possession
The face of the Creator
The food problem
Paraffin poisoning
Fulfillment
Profiteers
Attention
Finding myself again
Hard-hearted measures
Luxury, abundance and beauty
Projections
Pure wisdom
Politeness
Compassion
A true master
The gold mines
73
74
74
75
75
76
77
78
78
79
80
80
82
83
83
84
85
86
Back in Geluksdal
A course in miracles
Animals do have a soul
A new beginning
The great healer
Hugging
A deep desire
Liberation
Practical use
87
87
88
89
90
91
92
92
93
The Magaliesbergen
Sexual abuse
Hope for South Africa
Space
Truth
A Celtic connection
An enormous bump
Gratitude
Unrestricted and boundless
Let things flow
Angels
A golden gift
Becoming aware
Self-respect
AIDS weaves a network of love
Saying goodbye
The stake
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94
95
96
96
97
97
98
99
100
101
101
102
102
102
103
103
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The Midlands and Durban
Sharing your abundance
Deserted
God sends his angels
Blacker than black
Embodiment of Christ
Ghandi
Being seen
Inner preparation
Death and rebirth
Trust
The weather and our emotions
Question of guilt
Taking responsibility
105
105
106
106
106
107
107
108
108
109
111
111
112
112
Farewell to Mamelodi
Feeling sad
Space
A rebel
114
114
115
116
Final Stage
Love is daring to say ‘no’
Babies
Purifying the past
Flowing
Pitiful sight
Perfection
117
117
118
118
119
120
120
Farewell to South Africa
As children
122
122
Coming home
Patience
Our own prison
123
124
125
Love is our path of initiation
Initiation
The master Jesus
A rebel
Healing
Crucifixion
Fear of love
127
127
127
129
130
131
131
Our self-image
Movement and standing still
132
133
Relationships
135
Epilogue
The next step
Words of thanks
138
138
139
Earlier publications
140
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ABOUT MYSELF
'I am that I am…'
I do not care about labels and do not want to hide behind them any longer. Life itself is
my greatest teacher and leads me through light and darkness to what I have always
been and always will be: unconditional love. It is my soul’s desire to allow the love I am
in essence to come to full bloom in all situations of my life.
General
Yasmin has a wide experience in working with people individually as well as in groups.
In the past, she was a social worker, has given lectures in spiritual bodywork and
massage and worked twelve years worldwide as a Reiki-teacher. After an immense
inner transformation, she let go of all outside labels and went more and more the path
of simplicity. Unconditional Love is the core of all her actions.
Others about Yasmin
You will experience the power of Yasmin directly in an encounter with her, both
personally and by reading her books. Her simplicity, frankness and straightforwardness
take you along on her material and immaterial journeys. These images leave behind an
unforgettable impression. Every meeting with her is enriching, encouraging, opens you
up and makes you believe in yourself and others. You could call her an ambassador of
Love, who, together with her partner Giri, is building bridges between the world of
intellect and the spiritual world.
Expression
Yasmin expresses her service in walking her talk, in writing books and stories and
sculpturing. On request, she gives lectures, interviews, workshops and aura-readings.
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Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’
Actually who are you not to be?
You are a child of God!
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure
around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us, it is in all of us.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to
do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
- Nelson Mandela – 1994 Quoted from: Our Deepest Fear by Marianne Williamson from
A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of a Course in Miracles.
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INTRODUCTION
‘Let us arise and make our world a better place by working on ourselves.
Let us make the world a better place by being the world
which we would very much like to see around us’.
South Africa with all its beauty and all its contrasts is an excellent example of the visible
duality, our daily battle between light and dark. South Africa makes apparent the way
we fight this battle outside ourselves and not, as spiritual warriors ought to do, inside
ourselves.
If we fight the darkness outside ourselves, we obscure our own light. Be a spiritual
warrior with your own inner weapons. Dare to be a rebel. Break down all the holy
shrines in yourself; kick them out all of them. However be very careful, do not throw
out the baby, your divine baby, with the bath water.
We will not expel evil from the world by constantly feeding its energy. We will not expel
evil from the world by fighting it. We will not expel evil from the world by denying its
existence. We will only expel evil from the world, from our own world, by no longer
refuelling it nor feeding it any more energy, inside as well as outside ourselves.
The struggle in South Africa, the external struggle between black and white, is a symbol
of our own inner struggle. It is the road which all of us has to follow, the path to the
goal, which every soul wants to achieve. To be in balance between black and white, to
be one with ‘All That Is’.
As Nelson Mandela expresses it so beautifully in the wisdom of his wonderful speech,
we are ‘frightened of our power beyond measure’. We prefer to stay as children and
opt for the ‘safety’ of being small and frightened, rather than running the risk that the
world, our world, turns against us. We would rather comply with systems that no
longer feed us than to centre in our own wisdom, our own immeasurable power.
Deep down we know that our true power is so boundless that we could use it to destroy
the whole world, take Hitler as a very scary example. On the other hand we could use
this same power to create and transform the world, our world, exactly how we would
wish to see it. This means an enormous responsibility. In the first place, it means that
we have to accept the idea that all of us have the potential to be a Hitler as well as a
Mother Theresa, so we have a choice which pole we wish to associate with.
If we no longer deny this polarity, we can sail our own ship. This means we no longer
need to take refuge in powers outside ourselves. In that case, we take on full
responsibility for all our deeds and do not hold anybody else accountable for these. We
take responsibility for our own actions, however important or unimportant that may
appear to be. We accept our own divinity and see ourselves as co-creators in that
immeasurable power we call 'God' or whatever we may wish to call it. As long as we
continue to be frightened of that one pole, we will never be able to live the opposite
pole. We will never be able to stay in the centre, the eternal inviolable state of peace, the
centre between heaven and earth.
Wisdom is not hidden in all the workshops and initiations we experience. Wisdom lies
hidden in the experience of everyday life. Do we dare to put what we have learnt into
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practice in our daily lives? Do we dare to live what we wish to be, to practice what we
preach?
After all, everything we relate to and take into the outside world loses its credibility if
we do not live it ourselves. Daily life, the simple every day things and the way we deal
with it make us become a master or an eternal student.
Live your own inner truth. Be sincere, but be careful that you do not kick yourself if
you stumble. Allow yourself your own learning process. Make mistakes, stumble and
stand up again. He who never makes mistakes is not alive, he who lives moves.
Movement means having collisions. Collisions give us the opportunity getting to know
ourselves and to develop ourselves.
Do not make yourself any smaller than you are, nor any bigger. Dare to be. Be the
middle between movement and stagnation, between light and darkness, between good
and bad. Be the core, your inner centre. Nothing can go wrong when you live from your
heart since this connects you to the Source. Then God speaks in you and through you
and in everything around you.
When you start to understand that everything is inextricably connected to everything
else and forms part of your Being, you will no longer be able to exclude anything or
anybody. Exclusion means that you are denying parts of yourself. You can no longer
blame somebody else for your situation however terrible it may be. You cannot say, ‘I
didn’t know’, because you do know. Disliking a black person is the same as disliking the
black person inside of you. This does not mean that you have to approve everything; it
means you dare to distinguish, dare to choose, without judgment. Why should you
judge, when you know that life itself, God Himself never judges. On the contrary, we are
offered a helping hand to scramble to our feet again and again with everlasting love and
infinite patience so that we can start again and again.
In this knowledge, let us offer a lovely hand without any conditions to anybody who
has not yet awoken and who needs a helping hand. Let us break open our own
prisons, so eventually there will be no more prisons. Let us conquer the separation in
ourselves, so there will be no more separation.
To me South Africa, with all its colour and diversity, is the country of Hope. Beyond its
apparent decline, I see the perfect plan of the Creator, the unbreakable cycle of birth
and rebirth. It symbolises the process of destruction that precedes every new birth,
every resurrection. This is the process, which our whole earth is in, and which each of
us will go through before we understand that we first have to die to be born again;, like
the phoenix rising from the ashes.
Om Shanti.
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HOW IT ALL STARTED
‘Our unique tone gives colour to the piece of music of life.’
This story began some years ago. I had just come back from my work on the Antilles for
the umpteenth time. As usual, new issues had to be let go off. This time it was the idea
about setting up a healing centre. Once again, something else was being required of me.
This was undoubtedly an opportunity to discover that the only centre which is real, is
the space which is opening up more and more in my heart. I had to let go of all my ideas
about centres and evidently set forth into the world. This time I wanted Giri, my
partner, to come with me. This is what happened, he did not even have to think about it
and immediately handed in his resignation. We let our house go with everything in it,
furnished a room at a friend's house and left. Before our departure, another friend
made a tentative suggestion about South Africa. If I was going to travel round the world
then I must surely not leave South Africa out. ‘Why in God’s name do I have to go to
South Africa?’ I asked myself. According to my friend, they could do with some
wholeness there. Anyhow, although I had never even thought about going to South
Africa before then, from that moment on the idea became imprinted into my being.
We were able to spread the gift of Reiki to many places throughout the world.
Everything unfolded in a mysterious way, without any restrictions whatsoever.
Anyhow, physical conditions made it impossible to go to South Africa. Everything
happens at the right time and the right place. Undoubtedly we were not ready for it yet.
Before I would be able to be there in all fullness, it was necessary to peal off several
layers of illusion within myself.
Digestion
There is a time for everything; everything comes at the right time. Just like in nature,
we keep going through different cycles depending on the season, our seasons. We are
just like seeds. If we plant them in ideal conditions and nurture them, they will grow
into strong plants. The intermediate period between a seed and a tree, the period of
growth, is a time that requires a lot of patience. It is this period in which apparently
little happens in the visible world until the adult phase. When the seed has grown into
a tree, it will bear its first fruits to continue the cycle of immortality. The more the tree
grows, the more plentiful and numerous its seeds become. However, these seasons
always come round again, death coming before rebirth and before bearing fruit
again.
Just like the tree, we cannot miss out any steps. We cannot just keep on eating. We
cannot just keep on taking in knowledge. After we have eaten our fill, we have to take
time to digest all this food, to absorb the knowledge. During this apparently quiet
period, our individuality is born; we let go of all the things that no longer fit in and
proceed according to our own wisdom. This is the time to master what we have learnt
by putting it into practice in everyday life. When we live this to the full, the whole
process is digested so that we are able to pass on this learning; the period of
dissemination. What we give out forms the compost in which other seeds can
germinate and grow. It is the fruit of our essence, the reflection of our ‘being’. It is the
message, the fountain from which others can drink to quench their thirst until they too
become a fountain.
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We cannot miss out one single phase. We cannot give out something before we have
digested it first. After a period of pouring out, there follows a natural assimilation
towards contemplation and stillness. Everything is transformed in the stillness and
darkness to become usable. The dark periods in our lives like times of mourning,
sorrow, illness and loss, are also the periods which transform us from unworthy, self
oppressed beings into radiant newly born children, who will be able to spread our
inner light in all its fullness.
As life is in perpetual motion, there is no end to this process. If we remain truly in this
motion, we collide, grow and refine ourselves. What once was a truth, changes or
rather becomes more profound. Eternal truth is always the eternal truth, it cannot be
disputed. Our truth is just a watered down version of the whole truth. The more veils
we remove, the more parts of this truth are revealed within ourselves.
We keep going through this same cycle of taking in, digesting and giving out at
different levels. That is why every teacher always remains a student. If he does not
recognise that it is time to turn inwards and to distance himself in order to give new
insights time to ripen and to be integrated, the power and clarity of his message is
lost. Everything is motion and the more we change and take the time to allow this
change to sink in, the better we are able to live, explain and give out a little bit more of
the truth.
After all these years of disintegration and reintegration, my body slowly but surely rises
from the ashes, just like a phoenix. The process of death and reincarnation takes place
in the physical body, a process that the old and the wise would call alchemy. The
electrical system, my central nervous system, became adapted to be able to bear the
higher vibration that is involved when the spirit becomes engaged. If we do not
understand we are in a process of transformation and just keep going on, this process
happens too quickly and it is literally possible we blow all the fuses. We become
seriously ill, develop a psychosis or end up having psychiatric treatment.
It was a process, which involved intense pain and profound physical suffering.
Although my body suffered, I knew that I was not suffering. It was as if I was observing
my own alchemical process. Once again, quietness descended all around me. This was
necessary for me to be able to recover. This meant letting go of even more control and
surrendering to the fullest. As I let go, all the steps in my healing process miraculously
came about step by step. Everything happened at the right time and in the right
sequence. I live and I exist eternally grateful for the process, which ultimately I see as a
gift of mercy.
You have to die first before you can be reborn
You have to die first before you can be reborn. All the old things, all the transitory
things have to be let go of, detached and transformed. As soon as your ego dies, your
personality awakens. This process we call the dark night of the soul. It is the tunnel,
we have to go through it on our own; nobody else can guide us in this process. It is a
case of letting go everything, jumping with your eyes closed, in complete submission
and trusting there will be somebody at the other end who will catch you. Dying before
you die in the physical sense will liberate you from all the excess baggage, which
previously seemed so insurmountable. You detach yourself from everything that was
so dear to you. Nothing must be allowed to be attached any longer. It is only our
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attachments, which so often make the physical process of dying so inhumanly hard.
This dying process of the ego enables you to experience life in all its fullness, and the
physical dying no longer makes you afraid. You just know that life is a continuous and
eternal cycle of birth and rebirth.
The time was approaching for the next step. Everything, which had happened until
then, was only a preparation. Letting go again and again, allowing nothing to attach
itself to me. Nothing must stand between me and my heart’s desire. My whole identity
was disappearing slowly but surely. Fighting did not help anymore; there was nothing
left than to surrender and to entrust myself fully at the flow of life.
Patience! No longer doing yet just ‘being’. No longer letting myself be governed by fear,
old ideas, expectations or by convictions of others. What an amazing process, which
results in regaining my physical strength. Calling myself to order every time and letting
go of my will and my thoughts, I submitted myself totally to His will and the allencompassing power of Love. Not doing but just being. Becoming the energy itself, the
love itself, whatever this may mean.
Living in the here and now
‘Live in the here and now, this one moment is all that exists. Do not be involved with
the past, after all the past is dead. Do not be frightened of the future. By being
completely in the here and now and enjoying the moment in all its fullness, without
fear and with an open heart filled with love and forgiveness, you create an amazingly
beautiful future. Dare to be a rebel. Be willing to demolish all your convictions. Find
the new pass through the mountains. No longer, you need your water wings; by now,
you can swim safely without them. A further opening of your heart is all you need.’
My God, how will I manage in this material world stripping off all these labels, which
appear to be so important in this western world?
The bonfire in the garden is there for a good reason. More and more of my ego is being
stripped off and burnt symbolically, as are the photographs and the certificates. After
taking each step, I gain more space. There is always more excess baggage which can be
removed. So this we call freedom! Not belonging to anywhere; no organization, no
religion and no centre. From now on, the only centre is the centre in my heart.
Now and again I am transported out of myself and I am able to do what I have to do;
just having enough energy to initiate this one particular person or that group of
supersensitive people, which I apparently may not refer to anyone else.
The forest becomes my home. The trees, deer, birds, butterflies, dragonflies and even
the ticks become my teachers.
Egypt
I get a phone call about a spiritual journey to Egypt. Although according to human
standards I am not in a good condition to travel, I know immediately that I belong
there. I book the trip without taking any insurance and three weeks later I fly to Egypt
on my own. At that time, I was barely able to walk; yet, my body already is being raised
to another dimension during the flight. Time no longer seems to exist; Egypt was the
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place where I needed to be at that moment. The day after I arrived, I met the other
members of the group. We did a lot of healing work in temples and other holy places,
for which the universe had brought us together. Nobody knew or saw my limitations, as
at that moment nothing restricted my body in any way, I felt complete and totally
whole.
Abraham
I connect myself to the energy of Abraham in all its fullness in the temple of the
goddess Hathor, the temple of love. Abraham, the bearer of light and the father in each
of us is the one who leads the people through the desert along the road from external
imprisonment to inner freedom. He is the symbol of absolute submission to the
highest, to the voice of God and to the voice of your true Self. It was Abraham who was
willing, in complete obedience, to sacrifice everything he loved so dearly.
When the group left, I still had an extra day totally to myself. At the crack of dawn, I
was allowed the pleasure of sitting totally alone in the great pyramid for one and a half
hours. I was fully receptive to experiencing this intense wonder, this extra gift. Then I
was sitting for hours at the foot of the great Sphinx in a bubble of energy amongst
hoards of tourists. I was not disturbed in any way or even touched physically, while
experiencing what I had to experience. With this third trip to Egypt, I am closing the
book of an important period. Egypt is not of vital importance anymore, so I can let it go.
It is all about the energy, which I am now integrating in all its fullness and which will
help me to embrace all the new.
When I am back on the plane, I come down to my three-dimensional physical body
again. At home, I withdraw once more behind the walls of my self-created healing
centre, my own small paradise on earth.
Sweden
One and a half years later, I go on a vision quest. Although I am still barely mobile, I get
all the help you can imagine. Giri takes time off work and takes me to Sweden. He is
even allowed to be in the supervisory team. We get the campervan of some friends of
ours. In short, everything is arranged to show me that this impulse resonates with my
heart’s desire. Although the weather at that time of the year never had been so bad as it
was then, I get exactly what I need. The preparation is excellent, the ceremonies and
the sweat lodge strip off the necessary layers. Then we spend four days in seclusion in
the countryside. The place allotted to me by fate bears the name: ‘two worlds joining
together’. Later they will tell me this is the only place that is completely in harmony.
This feels so true, I am in harmony with all; heaven and earth are present within me at
the same time. There is not even any fear or struggle left, there is only being and
enjoying. The crucifixion seems to be over, it is now time for the resurrection. I am
sitting by the fire in the middle of my circle, where all the elements come together. The
fire cleanses and purifies me right down to the deepest part of my being. I feel myself
one with the earth, I feel one with everything. Lonely, but not alone, yet never alone
again, because I am at one with all… A pair of eagles comes to pay their tribute and
dance before me in the southern part of my circle. The south is the place where
everything is going to come into full bloom. This is where the spiritual power of the
eagle can develop to its full potential. Everything flows away. I become healed there
where I was not whole. I reap all that I have sown in those previous years of challenges
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and pain. My appearance is impressive and very powerful when I return to the material
world.
Peru
It seems to be enough for the moment. Our plans for Peru can wait. Yet, when I get a
clear vision in which I see myself standing on the steps of the Machu Picchu as a
priestess in a long white robe, stretching out her arms towards the full sun, I realise
that Peru cannot wait any longer. Living in the here and now means not putting off
until tomorrow what has to be done today. The flight is booked that same week and in
October Giri and I fly to Peru. In one of the caves near Cusco, I received a complete reinitiation, a reintegration of knowledge and old wisdom. Everything is known, I know
what I was, I know who I am, I know what I will be. It is an intense journey. I am
standing on Machu Picchu the same way as I saw myself stand there in the vision: as a
high priestess with my arms stretched out towards the sun, thankful and joyful.
The Antilles
This intense trip has a surprising end. Although it initially seemed impossible,
unexpectedly I was able to go to the Antilles. Such love came flowing towards me after
all these years. By coming to the airport in large numbers in the middle of the night, the
people showed me how much they loved me. Lots of energy circulated during that
quickly organised meeting. It was such an intense experience. Just as nine years ago
they were asking me to come back: ‘Please come back, we need you.’ This we will leave
to the future. Recharged with the divine power of the sun and full of new energy, I
arrived back in the Netherlands and felt able to cope with the gloominess of the coming
winter.
Light process
Six months later, I start the light process. During three intense weeks and in the
stillness of my own temple, I prepare myself fully for it. Although it is only the
beginning of March, the sun is shining in all its brightness. Once again, everything
cooperates to make my process as pleasant as possible. On the eve of this process, I ask
the universe to create a new place for Giri and me in Australia, a place of light and
space. And on the twenty-first day, the day before Easter, Giri comes home with an email that seems to be the miraculous answer to this request: a small group of spiritual
people from here are looking for participants to take part in a new ecological project in
Australia. Later when we meet these initiators, I know it is not intent for me. Human
fears translated into rules and structures; I no longer want to conform to that. This
project certainly does not have the fundament I like to see in a community.
Sculpting
In this same period, I start sculpting. It seems ridiculous, this combination of not eating
and sculpting. Stone sculpting is something I have wanted to do for a long time. Now, at
this moment, I want to give shape to it. It is just a new way of expressing me. It is an
amazing experience to merge with the lump of stone under my hands. Now I actually
know that all matter has a vital force, I can finally feel and experience it. What an
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amazing and profound experience to enter, in complete submission, into a love
relationship with that stone. Revealing it in order to create the shape, no longer comes
from my will power, it comes from my newly created space, from my being. I feel that I
am refining myself in interaction with this stone, that my new shape is developing itself
in the same way as my stone begins to take shape.
Be a Creator
There is an essential difference between creating and making. You cannot force true
creation, true creativity. Either it is there or it is not there. Every time again it is
waiting for the right impetus. Making means producing. Creating, true creation is the
process of revealing your Being. Art and music are excellent ways of expressing your
divine nature. Make sure that you are a great artist. Realise that all your creations
will leave behind visible or invisible traces in the blueprint of the universe. The true
artist goes beyond spoken language. He goes beyond the impersonal and puts his
authenticity into the collective consciousness as his gift, his personal unique
contribution to the universe.
After all, I decided to have a look at that particular valley in Australia. ‘If you are going
to go there anyway, then first you must fly to Hawaii, I can just imagine you on Hawaii.’
After I had heard this a three times in one month, I realised there must be a good
reason to go there and I booked a trip to Hawaii, New Zealand and Australia.
The complete light process has given me an enormous lightness. At that moment in
time, my body was almost emaciated, yet even more vital than before. Perhaps it would
be better to say, more vital and more viable than ever before.
Eclipse of the sun
I decided to postpone my journey by three weeks in order to see the eclipse of the sun
on the 11th of August. We went to France and found a delightful spot on a river, where
we were completely alone. Although the sun initially obscured itself, the sky cleared
completely just before the total eclipse, so we were able to experience the eclipse in full.
Why should you bother about endless traffic jams after having had such an experience?
Was it the eclipse or was it fate that made me decide to postpone my journey…..
Undoubtedly it was the latter. One of my closest loved ones just died and was buried
the day before my departure to Hawaii. At the time I changed the flight, I was fully
unaware this could happen, nor he was. At any rate, both of us were not aware that his
dying process would develop so rapidly. Due to this change of plan, I was able to be very
close to him in those last few weeks. Thank God!
I no longer experience a division between myself and that other dimension. All my
loved ones are constantly around me. I recognise my loved ones in the flowers, the
butterflies and the birds. I feel their presence and see them when I look into the eyes of
a child. We communicate and enjoy each other in total freedom. Nothing in me wants
to keep them from the path they have to follow. No longer do I have that aching
feeling of loss; they are in me and I am in them.
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Don‟t put off until tomorrow
It is such a pity that we only wish to be shaken up and want to be concerned about the
end of our material existence when we are confronted with death. Only when others or
we ourselves are ill or when death comes knocking on the door, we make space for the
intangible things. Once again, I would like to beseech of you: live as if this is the last day
of your life. Do what you have to do now because tomorrow might never come. Do not
postpone your heart’s desires until tomorrow. Do not put off conflicts. Make sure you
do not leave any unfinished business so that you do not have to grieve for the death of
your loved ones.
Realise that ultimately there is no such thing as illness and death. Essentially, there is
only transformation and becoming whole. Even death is ultimately a form of healing.
Hawaii
Hawaii brings me in contact with my own firepower. This is the place where the fire
element is strongly present on this planet. It is a place of ‘power’. Again and again, I go
down into the depths to walk through Madam Pele’s crater. It is an incredibly deep
experience. I become the centre of the earth, the centre of the universe. I walk through
a magical world of rainbows and lava. Several times, I am alone in the gigantic park,
alone with Madam Pele, the goddess of fire. I become one with my totality. I connect
with the goddess in myself, the divine primeval mother.
When this process has finished, I put up camp on the un-commercialised part of Maui
with a dear girlfriend of mine. This place is the gateway to heaven, no it is heaven itself.
Away from the tourists and completely absorbed in the beauty and the purity of one of
the most beautiful parts of creation, we renew ourselves and deepen our relationship.
New Zealand
After delivering my friend to the airport, I fly on alone to New Zealand. I camp there
under somewhat less pleasant conditions in the valley where the Waitaha people used
to live: the peace-people that represented the female pole before the less peace-loving
Maoris populated this area. Two years ago, I spent a longer period at this same valley.
At that time, my body nearly went under. Now I am able to cope with the energy much
better. It was an intense farewell. I now may add the missing precious piece from
Hawaii to the ceremonial place, where the treasures from Easter Island and New
Zealand have been waiting for a while, to make this spiritual triangle complete. This
marks the end of a process and finally, the valley will be handed over to the Maoris.
Australia
Off to some old friends in Australia. Afterwards I visit the Eco-project. This is my first
real acquaintance with a large numbers of snakes and leeches. Yet it is a beautiful and
fertile valley and after all I have gone through these last years, snakes have taken on a
different significance; they became a symbol of transformation and healing for me. I
wander through the valley and make my own paths where the area is still virtually untrodden. I become acquainted with the depth of this piece of land. I have a deep desire
to live in such a place as this, where there is so much more space than in the
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Netherlands. I begin to experience what I in fact already knew before, there seems to be
no space for my ‘being’ in this place. Once again, I do not fit into the current picture, my
energy is too threatening.
No, after all, that project is not for me. There is too much fear, too much control; a fear
of drugs, a fear of alcohol, thus also of love. There is fear because I am not as they
would like me to be. Fear that I will not fit perfectly in the project. Being different
apparently means that you will create problems, that you will upset plans. Sorry, but I
have risen above that birth canal. There is no possible way for me to return to the
narrow hole, which I came out. It is unfortunate because after all, it is a lovely place and
there is enough room for everybody, if differences should be allowed to exist. Don’t they
know that everybody attracts exactly what they need for their own learning process?
As far as I am concerned, I need to let go. Probably the impetus was important. There
are without doubt possibilities in Australia, possibilities for Giri and me. Perhaps it just
was laziness. I appreciated the fact that I did not have to arrange everything by myself.
When the time is ripe, the perfect place will show up. I only have to believe in it.
When I return home, we put this into the cosmos; our own place somewhere in
Australia. Then South Africa comes knocking on the door again. It gradually becomes
clear that it is not the right time for a definitive decision. It becomes even clearer that if
you live in the moment or from one day to the next, if you no longer make plans and
just let the plan unfold itself, then you can never talk about a definitive decision, then
each decision applies to the present moment, to the here and the now.
Dare to be flexible
Be a gypsy and dare to be flexible. Dare to follow your heart desire, and just do what is
important right now. So let us go off to South Africa!
The first step is Giri’s resignation from his job. Immediately, old uncertainties cropped
up just for a moment. How on earth can you throw everything away again and again?
Yet fears exist so we can dive right into these, without letting ourselves be restricted by
these and when we just dive in, fear will disappear like snow melting in the sun. Just let
go of it, and the rest will unfold itself automatically.
We are constantly trying to ‘insure’ everything that is unsure. However, the only
certainty we have is our uncertainty. Accepting our uncertainty, daring to live in a
state of uncertainty will give us a deep feeling of certainty.
After taking this step, an enormous feeling of peace comes over me. It is mid January
and it is already Giri’s last day at work. Colleagues and friends react with surprise. How
can you stop working when you do not know what you are going to do next? It is
extremely threatening for westerners to let go of apparent securities and to let the
emptiness just be emptiness. To me the last is becoming more and more familiar. Only
complete emptiness contains complete fullness.
Competition and possession
We have built our society based on competition and possession. This is where we get
our apparent self-confidence. When these external factors fall away, the foundations
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disintegrate and our false self-confidence collapses like castles in the air. Competition is
based on fear, love is based on support.
We produce products not because we need them, but just because we think we should
work. Then we force people to buy these products by giving them the feeling that they
could not be completely happy without them.
There is nobility in labour. Work, your servitude to the bigger picture, is important. Let
us concentrate on carrying out pure, useful work and no longer choose short-term
solutions that pollute the earth and exhaust our last reserves. Let us let go of all nonuseful work in the confidence that by doing this we are creating space to give shape to
what is useful and necessary for both body and soul. Let us provide work that is useful
to our society and beneficial to mother earth so that our children will also experience
the joy of living on this wonderful planet.
Whatever way you look at it, attachments are purely material and ultimately this is all
an illusion. After all, you cannot take any of these things with you when your last
moment of earthly existence announces itself. We come into the world naked and we
will be born naked into the next dimension. No medals, no titles and no earthly
possessions will have any positive effect on our place in the ‘hereafter’. The only thing
that really counts that is eternal and keeps its value, is our consciousness. Living in the
material dimension is just an illusion, which obscures our consciousness.
Fear
In order to let the new and the unknown be born, we must first be willing to drop the
old. This fear of the unknown means that we are holding ourselves back from diving
into the dark tunnel of the birth canal. However, just like every other tunnel there is
always light at the other end.
It is alarming that so few people experience joy in their work. Huge salaries, apparent
security, the coming weekend and long holidays are the wrong motives. Working solely
to acquire ‘security’ is extremely unhealthy. Work should be an extension of what you
are. You must be able to express yourself fully in your work: your true Self, your divine
impetus. If this is not the case, it is time to find out whether there is something you can
do to increase joy in your work. Do not wait until others take the initiative, be always
lord and master of your own situation. If you have done everything that is within your
own power, and if this does not change anything, then it is high time you stop doing
this job and start looking for work, which makes your heart sing.
Making and creating
This is once again the difference between ‘making’ and ‘creating’. On first sight, this
may seem to be the same, but essentially, they are very different. Making means
producing for a result. When you are creating, you connect to the source of all
creations and everything unfolds with ease. In order to get this far, you must stop
making comparisons and projections. You must let go of your attachment to outer
appearances. You are unique; there is nobody else like you. You have come into this
world to make your own specific contribution to the divine plan. Perhaps you think
that you have nothing special to offer, but your individuality, your special gift is what
makes your heart sing. Although a number of people have this same quality, the way
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in which you energise it makes it special and the world needs your unique
contribution. No one drop in the vast ocean is the same as any other drop nor is there
one drop too many.
When I open my eyes in the morning I know that the moment has come to book our
trip to South Africa and even at which Travel Agency I have to make that booking. One
telephone call is all it takes. We get a ticket at a price, which we cannot refuse. At that
moment in time, we do not know what we are going to do in South Africa and where we
will be going. Sister Myriam provides the answer. She is busy setting up a project for
girls and women infected with the AIDS virus and she would very much like us to come
there. This is exactly what we want. She will not be able to receive us until the end of
February because the convent has not been finished yet. It does not matter; we will pay
a visit to the black commune of Mamelodi first. The rest will unfold automatically once
we are in South Africa.
Miracles
There are visible ‘miracles’. My life itself is a great miracle, but now those from above
seem to show their approval about our decision. First, somebody comes and pays a
substantial ‘debt’. This was money, which I had not taken into account at all. Then, with
some help I manage to find the book entitled, ‘Call me Woman’ by Ellen Kuzwayo, an
old ANC activist, from South Africa. The book seemed sold out for quite some time. I
send somebody fifty euros for alternative medicines, and while taking a stroll on the
street, I find that same night fifty euros back. These are only a few examples from a
wide range of small and great miracles. When you let go of control and dare to put your
life into the hands of the Almighty One, everything will arrange itself in an unknown
way. This is my experience and so this Power has determined my life from the moment
that I said: 'Not my will be done but Thine…’
Free will
Yet, all too willingly we want to believe that we have a free will. To what extent is this
really true? When we get further along the path of awakening, our free will becomes
more limited. Everything is already predestined in advance. The more we surrender
ourselves and exchange our will for His Will, the more life unfolds in complete
harmony and in tune with the wishes of our soul. Our free will then appears to be
limited to the choice of how we deal with each situation. Do we use every experience
as an opportunity to get closer towards inner wisdom and fulfilment or do we choose
to take on the role of the victim ending this earthly life as disappointed and embittered
beings?
I am thankful for this new day. I will enjoy this day as if it is the only one I have left.
Essentially that is all too true. Nobody knows whether there will ever be a tomorrow.
That is why I do not put off until tomorrow what I can do today. With each step, I allow
myself to be guided by my inner impulses, by the voice of my heart.
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LOVE IS ‘ALL THAT IS’
‘I do not adhere to any one religion
and at the same time I am all religions’
The more we make progress along our path, the more we let go of all that no longer
serves us, the more we strip off the veils between matter and reality, we will discover
that consciousness is love and love is All That Is.
Nothing exists apart from love, everything arises from love and everything is created
from love. In short, everything is love. Love is the heartbeat of mother earth. Love is
every newborn baby. Love is the waves of the sea, the fish, the seaweed, the dolphins
and the shells on the beach. Love is the blackbird building its nest in the corner of my
shed. Love is the heron that catches the fish in my pond. Love is the pig that sacrifices
itself to be meat for our dinner. Love is that feeling of having butterflies in your tummy
when you are in love. That is pure love, unconditional and without any boundaries.
Love has no boundaries, Love cannot be earned, Love cannot be forced, Love only can
be. The more you become this love yourself; the more you start to recognise this love
and to see it in everything around you. You see it in the eyes of a child, the attitude of an
elderly person, the countenance of a disabled person, the bowl of a beggar, the centre of
a rose and in the care of a cow for its newly born calf.
Love is abundance. Love is pure consciousness. Love is total freedom. Love is adverse
to possession. Love dares to let go of all those things you think you want. Love dares
to let go of all those you love the most and to become what you in truth are, pure love.
Control, ideas, projections and all those mind games prevent us from loving really. We
therefore create a feeling of scarcity. As children, we were brought up on scarcity as we
have learnt that there is not enough love and we have to earn it. This is why we yearn
for love time after time and we have the feeling that love is unattainable in everything
we do. We have learnt that love is conditional. We learn to do certain things to earn
love and we must not do certain things so as not to lose it. You may think that you
cannot love everybody because love is limited.
Sometimes, when we are in love, we suddenly feel the boundlessness of true love. We
flow over with love and the more we give, the more it seems to become. This is true this
is all very true. Everything you share unconditionally does not become less but
multiplies itself endlessly. When you are in love, you rise above all earthly limitations
and you see the totality of all things and the divine being of yourself reflected in the
other person. However, after a period, being in love makes way for the everyday things
and you come back down to earth to put on the robes of limitation. From that moment
on, fear strikes and the ‘yes buts’ come back again, ‘I love you as long as you are as I
would like you to be, but I don’t love you if you are unable to fulfil my ideal picture.’
So we are limiting ourselves once again, limiting love. Since we have learnt that love is
limited and that we have to be very economical with it; it must not be given away for no
reason and certainly not to everybody. First, you have to be very sure whether or not
that person is worthy of your love. We have learnt this, we live it and we pass it on again
with our mother’s milk to our children. Yes, and it gets even crazier, you even have to
fulfil certain conditions in order to be loved. You have to wear clothes with a wellknown label, you have to get qualifications, you have to achieve something in your life
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and be a member of a certain club. Because if you are ‘nothing’, you no longer count in
this society and you can forget being appreciated, being receiving love. Isn't it comical?
Love is unconditional
Love does not have to be earned. There are no conditions whatsoever attached to love.
Love is and it is everywhere, visible and invisible. It is the vital force of everything.
Everything, yes absolutely everything is love and arises from Love. Nothing exists
without Love, nothing is without Love, because love is ‘All That Is’.
Do you have the feeling that you lack something? Start to give out abundantly whatever
it is you would most like to receive yourself. Do it unconditionally, without having any
expectations and it will multiply itself many times over and come back to you ……
The only thing that is necessary in order to live love, which in essence is what we are,
is to surrender. Surrender is nothing else than letting go of our fear and our control:
the all-encompassing thinking becomes our servant, the heart becomes in charge.
‘So tell me something, do you think I am crazy? Sure, I will surrender myself to
another person. I have done that once before, to my mother and see what happened.
She taught me that I am not perfect. She told me that she loved me, but that was only
if I did what she wanted me to do. No thank you very much, once is enough. I do not
want to have that feeling again that I am not good enough. I will wait and see what I
receive. I will think twice before I stick out my neck. I do not want to experience again
the pain of being rejected. It has happened to me too often. No, that is not for me.
Bowing to a guru? Idiotic! You do not bow to a person. I might as well bow to the
priest or minister. I’m certainly not going to make a fool of myself like that.’
Surrender does not mean that we lose anything. Surrender means that we reconnect
ourselves with the guru, with the master within. It is the further opening of the heart; it
is the birth of Christ, the birth of the Buddha nature, the birth of the inner master in
each one of us. Submission is total freedom. Submission is the path to love,
unconditional love. It is the path to immortality. The ego dies and the personality
awakens.
Life in the material dimension is a precious gift. It gives us the opportunity to fulfil
ourselves. Pain is one of the means to shatter our ego in a natural way in order to
open us up, to come home to ourselves and to be able to embody complete joy.
When you have a master or a guru, out of respect for your and for his divinity, you bow
to that guru as an external manifestation of God, this is the true meaning of ‘Namaste’.
The totality of God is so infinite, so unreachable that in the first instance we need help
to be able to make a bridge between the outer and the inner guru. Bowing to a guru is
not a humiliation; it is showing humility and respect for the infinite glory of your own
divinity. In order to ‘go through the eye of a needle’; the first thing you will have to
learn is total humility. Pride prevents us from being humble. Humility has nothing to
do with false modesty. Humility, true humility is absolute strength. We can only be
humble when we know who we truly are, when we are centred in our full power. As for
example, the master Jesus showed us when he washed the feet of his disciples.
The outer form, guru, saint, teacher or master is only a step between you and your own
inner guru or master. He is the mirror in which you can recognise your own divinity. It
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is the means to enable the inner Christ to be born. Our thinking results in putting up a
wall between ourselves and the other. In order to be humble, and to forgive totally, we
have to exceed our thinking. We have to go beyond our thinking. Our thoughts become
like a babbling brook to which we no longer have to relate and which no longer restricts
us in any way, either good or bad. They are still there but we no longer associate
ourselves with them. We know that we are more than our thoughts.
Surrender is the path to mastery. Surrender is to liberate us from fear and to open
ourselves up to the inexhaustible flow of love. Just like a rose that opens up for the
summer sun. There can be no submission without a fight. No rose opens without pain.
The lotus grows out of the mud. Once it has become a lotus, the mud is no longer able
to soil it. Submission enables the phoenix to rise from its ashes. It is complete
emptiness containing complete fullness.
„I let go, I let God…….‟
The only pain which this process causes and the reason why it sometimes seems to be
so insurmountably difficult, is due to our attachment. Pain is just pain. On the other
hand, if we nurse it, it becomes an obsession. If we are able to see and accept it for what
it really is: just a phenomenon caused by living in the material dimension, then we no
longer have to associate ourselves with it. Then we no longer have to nurse it and ask
ourselves what it is that we have done wrong. Then we know that we are more than our
pain and we just do whatever we have to do. If we are ill, then we are ill. We take the
necessary steps to get better. We do not nurse our illness or the steps that we take and
we do not feel like a victim in the slightest. We take life as it comes. We know that
everything we receive is what we need, what we have asked for, even though perhaps we
do not completely understand it at that moment in time. Afterwards we will agree that
it is the setbacks, the pain and the suffering, which were the ingredients that enabled us
to open our heart even more. All these have enabled us to be more understanding
towards ourselves and towards others, and to give more kindness and true compassion.
We continuously wage war outside ourselves. We blame others for things of which we
have totally no knowledge. It is completely unimportant what somebody else does. The
only thing that is important is what you do. Do you live your own reality? Do you live
what you have come to do on this earth? Do you give water to your plants, your
creations? Do you put love into everything you do? Do you understand that it is not
important what you do, but how you do it? Are you willing to let go of all that you want
to achieve and to surrender yourself to the flow of life?
Dare to be a spiritual warrior and open yourself to the world of miracles. Life in the
material dimension is a constant motion and motion automatically implies collisions.
You do not have to fanatically look up every confrontation, but it would be a pity if you
were to avoid all confrontations, all challenges and all real opportunities to learn and to
grow.
Let us become warriors with open hearts. Let us fight with inner weapons. Do not waste
your energy anymore and stop fighting in the outside world. Carry out your fight inside
yourself: the only real battle scene where ultimately all fights are fought. Use your
environment, this precious life and every experience as an opportunity to get to know
yourself better and surrender yourself to the source of all life, the source of
unconditional love.
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Remove all veils of illusion standing between you and this reality. Love is everywhere. It
is your heartbeat; it is the air that you breathe and the blood in your veins. In short,
everything, just everything comes forth and is vitalized by that one immeasurable
energy that we call consciousness or Love or ‘All That Is’.
It is our selfishness, our feeling of separateness that causes the idea we have to earn
love. It is our feeling that we are different to others. This is what we like to translate
into worse or better which results in raising ourselves above the majority and thinking
that we are not a part of the bigger picture.
However, before you start using heavy artillery to shoot down your ego, you must in
fact realise that your ego is the anvil on which the iron is forged. In other words; the
tool the sculptor uses to give shape to his sculpture. Your ego is a precious gift not been
given to you without reason, certainly not in order to dump it but to master it. Contrary
to what many spiritual people think, it is important to have a strong personality. A
strong personality is a person who has tamed his ego and is in control of his emotions
and desires. A strong personality is that person who no longer lets himself to be led
astray by expectations and the projections of the outside world. A strong personality is
a person who dares to live his own truth whatever the circumstances, even though
everybody may jeer him at. He does not falter in any situation, just like a rock in the
surf. This has nothing to do with control, on the contrary, control comes out of fear and
a strong personality has no fear because it is rooted in pure love.
Surrender concerns the willingness to let go of your personal ideas and your projections
and to see who you really are. When you see who you really are then you will see this
manifestation of love, harmony and beauty reflected in everything and everybody
around you. Then you love your brother just as much as you do yourself. You no longer
make any distinction between your child and that of another. You have become a divine
primeval mother; all children, young and old, healthy and sick, are your children.
Live from your heart
When you live from your heart, nothing can go wrong. When you live from your heart,
you see everything as it really is, as God intended it to be. Then you see the reality
behind all illusions and you no longer let yourself be distracted by external phenomena.
The veils disappear, the fog clears away and all becomes clear. There is no longer any
difference between the inner and the outer world.
Then you recognise love in everything and you will no longer exclude anything. You
embrace the whole world, making no longer a distinction between good and evil, light
and darkness, love and hate, pain and joy, white and black, rich and poor. You know
they are both forms of expression of the same creative force. You know that without the
one pole, the other does not have the right to exist. There is no joy without pain, there is
no light without darkness, there is no white without black, and there is no sun without
the moon.
Children in India learn from a very young age to recognise the light and darkness in
them. The goddess Kali is the primeval force, the feminine element, which represents
the darkness in a person. She is respected everywhere. The god Shiva, the male aspect,
symbolises the forces of destruction and creation. Without destroying the old, it would
never be possible for a new creation to take place. In other words, darkness is the seed
from which the light is born.
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We want so very much to be good and we project all we consider as not being good onto
the outside world. Projections are only images we have created ourselves. They are our
illusions and our fears, which only have the right to exist if we allow them to. A
murderer is essentially just as much this love as we are. He has perhaps not yet
discovered his source of love. It is not up to us to judge him. If God never passes
judgement, who are we to think that we can judge? The murderer is just as much a part
of us as the saint. Let us embrace them both.
Light and darkness
Let us understand that it is not necessary for us to have a positive influence on
situations on this earth by sending love. Influencing is influencing; we do not wish to
see that God’s plan is perfect and that light and darkness are simply part of that plan.
When out of compassion we are able to ‘be’ with victims as well as offenders, we are
occupied solving the war, which we first have solved within ourselves, at world level.
If we no longer feed hate, hate has no longer the right to exist, for we feed it no longer
in the collective consciousness. Heartfelt anger is a healthy life-giving emotion,
provided there are no old underlying resentments. However, hate kills everything that
lives.
Without sin….
Let those among us who know themselves, the wise, the fair-minded and the
greathearted, pass on judgement. Every person who has gone lost has the right to be
judged without being subject to the projections of our personal emotions so that he
can learn from his mistakes and shortcomings and is able to return to this society
healed. Let us be so big-hearted that we give this person another chance, irrespective
of the past in the knowledge that nobody is without sin. He who is without sin throws
the first stone.
Love does not mean that we should condone everything. It means that we are able to
say, ‘I love you, unconditionally’. I do not agree with what you do, but that does not
make a scrap of difference because I love what you really are. The rest is just a
manifestation, just an illusion. It is an illusion, which may be lovingly corrected, when
it might become a danger for others on an earthly level.
You do not have to condone what the other person does. Love does not mean that you
have to consent to everything, quite the opposite. Love means that you can say no to
that you do not want to be or do not want to do. You are able to say no to another
person because if you do not dare to say no, you will never be able to give a total yes.
Saying no does not mean that you stop loving the other person. If that should be the
case then it does not have anything to do with love. Love means that you dare to
distinguish without judging.
Sai Baba
Somebody asked me a question about the dark side of Sai Baba. The person who asked
the question gave me an enormous gift. It is easy to think that we are love but I can only
test it when I am able to put it into practice. I do not have any opinion about the dark
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side of Sai Baba. More specifically, I think that what we see in Sai Baba is precisely what
we are ourselves. If we are no longer that aspect ourselves, we no longer need to see or
judge it in others or we see it, but we no longer give it any energy. We are no longer
involved with putting somebody else down for whatever reason, because we know too
well that we can only bring ourselves down.
‘Every judgement rejects the Creator and his creation.’
This does not mean that I was born without any judgements. Believe me, I used to be
just as good at making projections and judgements as everybody else. This was what I
needed and what we all need to learn to make a distinction and to learn to transform
this same energy into love. Rejection is the same energy; it is the negative pole of it.
How on earth can we experience what love is, if we do not know the opposite,
absolutely impossible!
Does the fact that I no longer wish to judge mean that I am burying my head in the
sand? No, but the fact simply no longer exists for me. I have removed that veil in
myself, therefore I am not separated from Sai Baba and nor is Sai Baba from me.
Although I have never been a disciple of Sai Baba, I have just as much respect for Sai
Baba as I have for myself and for everybody else. However many stains a person may
have on their character there is always something in that person I can respect. So I
focus my attention on what I wish to see. Darkness is only an illusion, only light exists.
Even when the form of manifestation is dark, I see the light behind it, the only reality.
Then I can only feel compassion, compassion for the victims. Compassion for Sai Baba
and for all Sai Babas; compassion for all great masters who came onto this earth to
serve humanity and who were nailed to the cross because we did not understand them
and wanted to project something onto them that we do not want to live ourselves.
Crucifixion
As long as we continue to nail people to the cross, as long as people continue to be
inside prisons, as long as we continue to reject people for reasons of race, skin colour or
deeds, as long as people continue to suffer from hunger, we still have quite a way to go.
We still have not given shape to unconditional love in ourselves. Because when this
happens all crucifixions will stop and murders will never be committed again. Then we
will all be the same inseparable reality and there will be unprecedented abundance for
everybody.
It is funny that we have such a lot to say about freedom. We turn our backs on the
churches because we think we do not need them any more and knock all the existing
belief systems off their pedestals. We hardly have any respect for ourselves, let alone for
the elderly, the disabled or children. We want to be free without needing anything or
anybody, to do what we like without considering others. After all, everything we need is
within ourselves, isn’t it?
At the same time, we are creating all sorts of new forms and images to worship within
the New Age movement because apparently we need to worship so very badly. In the
past we handed over our power to kings and priests and we are now handing over our
power to masters, angels, walk-ins, guides and other belief systems which have arisen,
preferably invisible and projected far outside ourselves. Nice and safe! In complete
freedom, we create new holy images to worship and we do not count if we are not
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members of the ‘ascension movement’. We have replaced old labels with new ones. We
create new standards we have to comply to receive love. Isn’t it funny?
We would rather escape into an activity, into the past or the future rather than to live in
this moment. The here and now is all that is, it is the only moment in which we have the
opportunity to fully realise ourselves. It is the only moment, if we dare to be in it fully,
in which we can transform water into wine. In other words, this moment is the only
moment in which we can make the transformation from a material being into a divine
person: that what we in reality always have been and always will be. The only reality is
that we will have to create heaven on earth ourselves. Let us cease trying to exchange
this earthly dimension as quickly as possible for the invisible reality.
This does not mean that I deny this invisible reality. On the contrary, I feel at one with
all masters, with all angels and all guides. They are part of me, just as I am part of
them. Yet we are not on this earth to be spirits. We are on this earth to evolve and to
transform ourselves. We have come onto this earth to live love and to be love, to
establish a network of love and light in our beloved mother earth.
Channelling has become the rage and we listen to all the greatest possible sense and the
worst possible nonsense without any power of discernment, because we attach more
value to all that comes out of the invisible world than what is inside and around us. We
forget, however, that we can only pass on that wisdom which we have realised in
ourselves. Without detracting from all mediums with a pure intention, most channels
are stuck in the astral world, where many spirits consider it a pleasure to play the role
we have given them to amuse us for the moment. Without any doubt they are amused
by us!
We are swamped with unimaginable quantities of information. We are no longer able to
see the wood for the trees and become totally confused by all its contradictions. We are
constantly ‘waiting’ for the great transition and do not understand that this transition
will not take place in the future but now, in the present moment. We are striving
towards what we shall become in the future, we forget to live in the here and now and
therefore do not see that we are already multi-dimensional beings. We are running
from spiritual course to spiritual supermarket because we are frightened of missing
something and bath ourselves in the recognition and the warmth of the group of which
we have been deprived for so long.
Truth cannot be so simple or so close at hand. Astrology, Feng Shui and many other
systems tell us how to live our lives and have taken the place of our intuition. In these
systems, truth is something outside, something far away and invisible. Truth is
certainly not that which lives in our own hearts, let alone that you might be able to find
the reflection of your truth in your relationship with nature, your relationship with your
neighbour, your partner or your child. It cannot be that simple, can it?
We interpret the inner message by setting up external centres and new churches.
However, centres only have a chance of succeeding when we ourselves have become
the essence of that centre, the inner centre. The only centre that we need, the only
centre that we are able to visit constantly, our own being, is in the centre of our heart.
From this centre, we are able to make a connection with the invisible reality, with all
our brothers and sisters; our entire fellow Light-warriors.
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The only ritual of real value, the only prayer that is actually heard is that ritual, that
prayer that wells up from the deepest depths of our heart, from pure desire and from
our pure being. It is a powerful prayer, pure and without words.
Masters, angels and guides are means, wonderful aids that are at our disposal for as
long as we need them. This also applies to systems such as astrology, Feng Shui and
many more besides. We should not confuse them with ‘the real thing’. After all, the only
reality, our only aim is to reveal the true connection with our own fountain from which
all our knowledge directly springs. When we ourselves have become the tool, the love,
we no longer need these means and we are then able in all simplicity to abide by our
own truth. In essence, we are the love itself. In essence, we have chosen to be this love,
to receive this love and to live this love to the full. In His image!
We deprive ourselves if we do not give ourselves the space to enable us to learn from
teachers and systems for as long as we need them. We also deprive ourselves if we
hide behind teachers and systems by continuing to follow them indiscriminately,
without assessing their value against our own reality at that moment in time. We
cannot miss out one single step of our path to spiritual adulthood.
However free we think we are, we are constantly creating new belief systems, which we
can worship and venerate. When the object of our worship, the image, church,
astrology, master, sect or football team no longer meets our expectations, then we
destroy the image or we turn our backs on the system or master. In principle, there is
nothing wrong with this. Ultimately, the learning process is important. When we have
learnt the lesson, we can go onto the next class. That means we no longer need that
system, master or sect. We have then become the energy ourselves. However, we have
not learned the lesson as long as we are unable to be grateful to the master or the object
that has enabled us to learn this lesson. Why should we put down Sai Baba when we
have given away our responsibility in complete freedom? It was precisely that lesson
you needed to experience in complete freedom at that particular moment. Good pupils
follow the instructions of their master unconditionally, however absurd they might
seem to be. Pupils also put all lessons into practice in their daily life and take full
responsibility for their learning process.
Let us start on the first step of the spiritual ladder. Let us take responsibility for each
deed, each action. Once on the spiritual path, we cannot hold anybody else responsible,
not even an insurance company, for our learning processes. There is an essential
difference between the Cosmic Law based on love, and the laws we made ourselves.
Cosmic Law is boundless and invariably the same for everybody. It has a binding effect
and is absolutely just. Nobody shall escape his or her ‘punishment’. We simply reap
what we have sown.
Our human legislation tries to control by laying down restrictions, by introducing
differences and by dividing. It is subject to changes and strongly influenced by the
emotional colour of our collective consciousness.
Materially, we have everything that our hearts desire and much more. The more we
have, the more we want. There is no end to our desires. If material things could make
us happy, we would be the happiest people in the world. Nothing could be further from
the truth; we are not in the least bit happy. We have separated ourselves from our
Source, we think we are God, and desperately we are seeking love. In our separateness,
we are constantly searching outside ourselves and we make do with surrogates. We
have ‘sold’ our own soul and lay the responsibility for our own body, our well being, our
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children, our disabled people and our elderly outside ourselves at the doors of our
government, the police, doctor, psychiatrist, teacher, fire brigade, clinic and so on. We
are no longer able to enjoy the small things in life and constantly depend on external
stimuli for our amusement. We are unbelievably frightened of the stillness in ourselves,
poor us!
A divine impulse
What once began as a pure divine impulse, the creation of bearable living conditions for
vulnerable people in society, came directly from spirit. There is nothing wrong with
that, on the contrary. That was love, unconditional love, sharing your abundance with
those who have less than you do. However, each impulse that gets form in the material
dimension is irrevocably affected by it. We have now by far overshot the original aim so
that we certainly no longer know what the pure impulse behind all of this was. We have
exchanged respect, humanity, love and helpfulness for efficiency and cheap amusement
and this can never have been the intention. Yet, the current situation is as it should be.
All this has been necessary for us to search for a new harmony, a new balance. Without
this experience and the ‘mistakes’ we have made, we would not have known what we
really want. Let us no longer wait for the next disaster. Let us stop moaning, and let us
stop blaming others. There is nothing outside of us. Our governments and our whole
care systems are only a reflection of the limitations which all of us have created
together. Let us look honestly at ourselves and start to be loving human beings, loving
parents, good neighbours and friends. Let us treat everything and everybody with the
same respect that we would like to be treated with ourselves. Do not wait until another
person will do it. Take responsibility for your specific contribution to this unique world.
Each day is the right moment to start again.
Dare to be a good pupil
In the west, we find it hard to be good pupils. We think that we are at least just as good
or better than everybody else and consider ourselves qualified as teachers even before
we have started the process of being a pupil. We forget that every good teacher has been
a pupil first and will continue to be a pupil. We put ourselves above others and think
that we have to preach what we forget to practise. Although we think it is very normal
to have to go to school for many years before we are able to be teachers, we deny this
process with great vehemence when spiritual mastery is concerned.
Or we get stuck in resistance and resist the submission, or we give ourselves away
before having discovered ourselves first. The truth lies somewhere in the middle. In
both cases, we forget that we are the centres of the universe. A person with a strong
personality dares to submit himself unconditionally to a master or learning process and
is not afraid to lose him or herself; they know that they cannot lose their Self. When the
learning process has been completed, they will take their leave with love and respect
and go their own way. A good teacher will throw the pupil out of the nest when the time
is ripe for him to fly on his own. The connection, the love will always be there, timeless,
everlasting and unconditional.
‘We are spirits with a human experience. We are everlasting and immortal’.
Many disciples do not understand why they see their master in a different way in the
course of time. They do not understand that by letting them go their master has shown
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an act of love and they do not want to stand on their own feet. Their love suddenly
changes into hate. They now heavily criticise what they first so revered. The umpteenth
holy image is knocked down. The umpteenth cross has been erected. A natural process
that everybody goes through who stands on his or her own two feet. Not all this has
anything to do with love. This has to do with worshipping something that you have
projected outside yourself. You have forgotten that the object of your love is only a
mirror, only a symbol of the master inside. That symbol in which your being is
resonating at that specific moment. The object of your love, the object of your worship
is not separate from yourself; you are the one who loves, you are the one who is loved.
You have forgotten that you are the source of all wisdom.
Whether we like it or not, there are many different degrees of wisdom. Even though we
are essentially the same, here in this material dimension, we are all at different stages
in our learning process; no better or worse, just different. A wise person dares to open
himself to learn from that person who is at a higher level. This person sees the whole
world as his school. He will see it in every situation, in every person and in the whole of
nature. He never stops learning. The more he learns, the more he discovers that there is
more and more to learn. Every teacher is first a pupil. Servitude is part of being a
teacher. A teacher who does not want to be a pupil will never become a good teacher.
Just as a pupil needs his teacher to open him up to his own source of wisdom, the
teacher needs his pupils to be able to pass on his wisdom.
The path to mastery is pure simplicity. The path to mastery does not lie outside, but
within. It is the further opening of our heart chakra, the pure unconditional love that
abides in every living being, in every divine creation. It is the aim the pupil sets himself
in this life; the aim of becoming equal to the Master. We are all brothers and sisters of
our Father and Mother. It is the birth of the divine child, the Christ energy, a birth that
will take place in the hearts of each of us. It is not a privilege for Christians, yet a right
for every human being. There are no exceptions. There is no such thing as a fast route
or a motorway. We will all realise ourselves in our own time. Let us no longer walk
away by wanting to escape. Let us choose the only reality that exists. This life: the only
possibility in which the past, the present and the future merge in the everlasting now.
Let us be aware that time is only an invention we have created to make our life in this
material dimension possible, and that place is only a consequence of this created time.
How for goodness sake can we ever learn to know the totality of God if we do not
want to recognise God in his perfect creation, in his real image, in mankind itself?
True teachers
‘Modesty by definition does not have to be ‘false’.
True teachers usually come through the back door, without a lot of fuss, without titles
and without outer trimmings. They are simply what they are, total presence, inspired
matter, and pure simplicity. You will not recognise them if you are not correctly in tune.
You will not recognise them if you do not dare to be humble. They are willing to step
into the limelight if they asked to do so. It is not because that is what they are striving
for or that they want to be so important, on the contrary, they would much rather
withdraw from this material world and be exclusively in communication with God.
They have chosen to put themselves in the service of the divine plan. In contrast with
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earlier times, they choose to be in the centre of life instead of withdrawing behind the
safety and security of high monastery walls.
The more people know, the more they realise that they actually know nothing and the
more they realise that they know nothing, the more they pretend to know anything.
Let us stop looking for love outside ourselves. Let us start by accepting that everything
is inside of us, everything we see is only a reflection of what we are. The great universe
is present in miniature within each of us. Our fear is so great that we think we have to
arrange and control everything. We have almost reached the point that we can have
babies born to order with certain qualities. However, something we cannot make and
cannot control is love, the impulse that breathes life into everything and has created
everything. Whatever gene we discover, however far we go in manipulating and
discovering DNA codes, we will never be able to control the intelligence behind all this.
Thank God!
Love is not for sale. You cannot buy it for all the money, all the knowledge and all the
possessions in the world. Love is free, it is always there, everywhere, and is for
absolutely everybody. All you have to do is open up yourself for it. You only have to
receive in all humility what is present in abundance.
Love one another….
I would like to share a story about St. John the Divine, the beloved pupil of the master
Jesus. He was the most close to the master, together with the highest initiate and beloved
Maria Magdalene. It was he who experienced it all from very nearby, the greatest miracles
of the master, his most exalted teachings. It was he who was allowed to bear witness on
the island of Patmos and who was allowed to channel the Apocalypse at a very old age, all
set down in the ‘Revelation of St. John’, revelations which can only be fully understood in
this day and age. During his very last days, he only needed three words to express and
summarise all this wisdom:
„Love one another….‟
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DARE TO BE WHAT YOU ARE IN ESSENCE
‘As long as we continue needing anything from other people,
we forget who we really are.’
‘What do you do?’ is a question we ask each other in the West and we use the answer to
determine the other person’s value. ‘Nothing, I just try to be’ is the answer I have been
giving lately. The person asking the question looks at me as if I have come from another
planet and their interest disappears immediately. The label has been attached: nothing,
she is therefore of no use to this society. The first few times I had this reaction I felt
hurt. Evidently, I was still not free of my own labelling and the street value associated
with it. However, the more I begin to experience the space created by not having to be
‘anything’, no longer having to fulfil all those labels and all those expectations, the more
I experience how wonderful it is; absolute freedom! Those rare people who do not turn
away but want to see what I really am have the courage to look beyond the external
façade. Precious incidental meetings straight from the heart are the result.
Labelling makes we feel safe in this material world. By putting ourselves and others
in little boxes, we give ourselves and others a framework. This gives us a generally
accepted and recognisable structure that provides ‘apparent’ safety and security. We
know what we should comply with if we do not wish to be excluded from this social
structure.
Surrendering means giving yourself back to what you already are: unconditional love,
pure consciousness. As this process begins to take shape in me, God becomes more and
more visible in my daily life. It is more than that; a life without God is actually
inconceivable for me: I, who have resisted God with tooth and nail, have fought him
with all weapons. Everything just revolves around one thing, I no longer have to
become anything; I only want to be. I want to be what God has intended me to be and
what in essence I already am, unconditional love, boundless consciousness, harmony
and beauty. The first and ultimately the only relationship I have is my relationship with
God, from which all other relationships flow and from which every action springs.
Our connection with God, with our real being, means pure joy. Pure joy is always
there, it is peace that abides in our hearts. It is completely and utterly different to
short-lived enjoyment. Enjoyment is something you have to keep on repeating.
Making love, eating your favourite food, smoking a joint, drinking a beer, buying a
new car, a couch, you name it. Once you have it, when the experience is behind you,
you feel just as empty as before and you want to be fulfilled all over again.
No, it is not what you think it is, I have not given away my power. On the contrary, I am
more powerful than ever before, more aware of myself than ever before. You can only
surrender when you have something to give up. If you are nothing, you cannot
surrender yourself. Make sure therefore that you have a strong personality which can
only arise from a strong ego. If you do not have a strong ego, there is nothing to
surrender, nothing to strip off. A strong personality is what remains after surrender.
Your real being is without selfishness. When you stay centred in your own power, all
separation disappears. There is no more struggle or competition. You are no longer
jealous and your own abundance enables you to support and encourage other people in
their own individuality. Everything that is different enriches your life and no longer
poses a threat.
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Dare to let the past be the past
Being what you in essence really are means that you stop living in the past, stop nursing
your pain and your misery. Stop being attached to your pain, your suffering, your titles
and possessions. Stop wanting to be important; you know you are important, you are
wonderful and unique. There is nobody like you on this whole planet. You do not have
to prove this any more, you no longer have to fight for it, and you no longer have to
convince anyone of it any more. You just are it. You know that everybody else is just as
important as you are. Different of course, but certainly no less important. We are all the
different tones on a piano, producing a magnificent piece of music when playing
together.
The boundary we have put up between ourselves and everything else disappears.
Nature starts speaking to us. You are nature, nature is in you and you are in nature. The
whole of nature is a perfect creation, an expression of pure love. When we connect to
this, love becomes more and more visible. You recognise yourself in everything and
everybody around you. All faces, all manifestations are different forms of expressions of
God, of that One and inseparable energy, that total consciousness, that unconditional
Love.
You treat others, as you would like to be treated yourself, with love and respect.
You practise what you preach and put into practice what you are. Everything you do is
an expression of what you are. This is not about whether another person thinks what
you do is important. It is about whether everything you do is a hymn of praise to the
Creator, a seed that you sow in everything and everybody. Everything is an expression
of your being, an expression of pure joy. Every action you create straight from the
source; your life, your being is your gift to the universe, your gift to mankind.
You are like a tree. Your roots, your material body, are strongly anchored in mother
earth and your branches, your spirit, reach up into heaven. Your trunk, the connection
between heaven and earth, your personality is both strong and flexible at the same
time. You are able to withstand the heaviest storms, not by rising above it, yet by daring
to be in the centre of the storm. You are no longer trying to escape from this planet
earth. You know that the earth is your divine mother, from which your matter was born
making it possible to enter into the holy marriage; the marriage between matter and
spirit. You know that your body is the bridge, the key to enable you to discover your
diamond. After all, enlightenment is the harmony between light and darkness; it is like
the trunk of your tree.
You are the bridge; you are the perfect centre between heaven and earth. You are the
network of light that anchors you every day in your beloved earth mother. You live on
the earth but you no longer belong to the earth.
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THE LIGHT PROCESS
‘Light is the visual aspect of God’
We are on the way to opening ourselves up to be able to live completely on prana. Prana
is the primeval force or vital energy, the subtle substance in the universe which you take
in with every breath. All life flows from this substance. It is pure life-force, pure creative
energy. It is true nourishment. Living on Prana, on light is extremely new and very
extreme compared to what was possible several years ago.
Living on light is a controversial process. It took me to intense depths and
unprecedented investigation nearly three years ago. It was the sincere impulse and
desire of my soul to use this process as a tool at that moment in time, not to be
confused with ‘the real thing’. The underlying desire was perhaps to show the world
that it was possible to live without material food and by doing so to contribute to solve
the problem of hunger. I now realise that a certain degree of awareness is
indispensable.
I initially rejected this impulse. I resisted it and then, having learnt from the past,
submitted myself to the process, knowing that I could do nothing else than that.
I decided to undergo this process alone. Simply because I think you can only undergo
such a process on your own. If you need advice and guidance from others, you are not
ready for it yet. This process is so fundamental that you must dare to have complete
confidence in your own inner judgement.
The fact that the actual process could only start after three weeks of preparation
became clear to me all too soon. I had times when I felt that I was at a critical stage in
the process, for example after about three months. This was when I started to eat now
and again whenever I felt that my body needed it. Your body reacts differently in an
aeroplane, in situations of extreme cold and at exceptional heights, to name just a few.
I do not want to introduce a new belief system, as I am adverse to any form of
dogmatism. There are no rules for this process. It is purely a question of personal
investigation and experience.
There are things you cannot anticipate beforehand. The cold weather in the
Netherlands is a handicap compared with the subtropical heat in Australia, the place
this process initiated itself. The intense cold you feel when you do not eat for long
periods is a greater challenge in itself than not eating. Under-cooling is the main cause
of death in this case. And what to do when you go bald? Can you maintain the
confidence that your body has the intelligence to solve this problem without taking
vitamins and mineral supplements? Do you dare to trust the fact that your body weight
will finally stabilise?
I am convinced that the whole living on light process is at an experimental phase. A
profound process would have been inconceivable a few years ago. A process, you cannot
incorporate into your system in just three weeks, on the contrary. It works in layers and
is so individual because each person has a different body and requires a different and
unique approach.
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Experimenting is part of the process. In doing this, it is necessary to get to know and to
shift personal limits. After long periods of not eating, would I be flexible enough to eat
all the things my body had never been unable to stand in the past, and then to be able to
stop just as easily? Is my body flexible enough for this radical upheaval?
For many people, the light process is absolutely unbelievable. This is what is so great
about these times. New things are becoming available to us, if we dare to open
ourselves up to them. Living on light has become one of the possibilities, but it is a path
without an end. It is certainly not suitable for everybody. In order to be able to follow
this path, you need a certain degree of awareness. Inner knowledge, belief and trust are
indispensable ingredients. The need to levitate is a handicap rather than an advantage.
The first requirement is to have your feet firmly on the ground.
The induction process of the first three weeks, based on integrity and taking
responsibility, undoubtedly leads to an expansion of our consciousness. By not eating
for three weeks and not drinking for the first seven days, you know that more is
possible than you had ever thought before. This is certainly something that medical
science will deny.
I think that the process has brought me many blessings. A lot of old, complaints have
gone away and I have more energy than I have had for years. I trained myself in
communicating and experimenting with this body. I have been exceeding limits, which
apparently could not be exceeded. As a result of this, my faith and trust, and even my
sense of inner harmony have increased considerably. All-important attributes that
make this process possible.
I see life in a body as a great gift, certainly after I have been given ‘another chance’ as it
were. I do not want to throw away this opportunity by starting processes, which have
the upper hand over mine. The impulse to do it was very strong and could not be
ignored. It was the next logical step in my evolutionary process at that time.
I try to find the harmony in this process. As soon as this has been achieved, another
moment of choice presents itself. I am convinced that when I am mentally well
balanced I will not only be able to live on light, and that poison will not kill me either.
This process is coming under a lot of criticism, as with everything new and so
threatening. If you really live, live to the full without limiting yourself, you dare to break
through limits and take some risks.
When people do not dare to manifest themselves because they do not dare to
distinguish themselves from the faceless masses, they will certainly not take any risks
nor make any mistakes and they will certainly not be criticized. Nice and safe, that is for
sure. On the other hand, this also means that new paths will never become available for
others to make use of them. We will always need the pathfinders, the rebels who
sometimes put their own lives at risk to discover new passes through the mountains.
The fact that there are people who are now experimenting with ‘Living on Light’, means
that this process will become more easily available to many people when this is
necessary.
If the time actually comes when there is a shortage of food, then the knowledge is
already in the collective consciousness that it is possible to live on light and humanity
will be able to make mass use of it. This is the hundredth monkey effect.
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Basically, this has not to do with eating or not eating. It has to do with acquiring
mastery over your desires and exceeding your limits as a result; in order to dare to live
fully in the Here and Now and to enjoy ‘All That is’.
Nothing is impossible
‘We have created all limitations ourselves. If I am convinced that poison will not kill
me, it is even possible for me to take poison.’
Ultimately everything is in the mind. If I think that I will die if I do not eat, I will die if I
do not eat. If I think I am allergic to certain substances, I will avoid these substances
and eventually I will become intolerant to them. It is better to find out why we are
allergic to certain substances. This way we are tackling the cause and as a result, we are
automatically changing the consequences. People with allergies are usually not very
tolerant of other people. You can ban these substances from your food or take on the
challenge of making your body more receptive to these substances by believing that it is
possible and by taking them a little at a time. This way you have tackled the cause,
which then gives rise to more tolerance. This does not only apply to food, but also to
sounds, temperature, moods, people, and so on. By tackling the core, you start to
exceed your limits and you learn slowly but surely to stand everything nature provides.
You no longer need protection from outside. The energy of your heart, the love energy
has become your protection and you no longer have to exclude people, things or
situations. That is Mastery. You accept other habits and customs and appreciate the
diversity. You are the centre of the universe and nothing and nobody can move you out
of your centre. You live from your heart and stand in the middle of all the tumult. You
are open to everything and do not exclude anything; you know you can choose whether
or not to surround yourself with certain people, whether or not to take in certain
substances.
You may use this, because this is what freedom is, absolute freedom.
P.S. At this moment in time, I am thoroughly enjoying everything mother earth
produces.
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THREE MONTHS IN SOUTH AFRICA
‘Hell is a situation in which someone dwells who cannot bear the light.’
* Sunday 6 February 2000
At three o’clock in the morning, a taxi takes us to the quiet and very sleepy Schiphol
airport. There are no long queues at the check-in desks and we have no excess luggage.
This makes it all very easy. Our Swiss Air plane takes off at a quarter past seven. We
have a stopover in Zurich and continue our journey to Johannesburg in a larger
aircraft, where we arrive at a quarter past nine. We pass through the ‘swinging’ black
customs without any problem. We meet the driver of our small pre-booked hotel in
Pretoria and he immediately shows us the South African way of greeting, which is:
shake hands, take hold of the thumb and shake hands again. We get a warm welcome at
the small simple hotel where we are the only white guests. Black people just seem to
bring the sun along with them everywhere they go. I feel completely at home even
though the room does not amount to much.
* Monday 7 February
We slept fantastically well, even better than ‘normal’. They greet us enthusiastically and
we are spoilt rotten at the breakfast table. The staff is happy which makes it very
enjoyable for us. I feel at home. We go for a walk through Pretoria and have a
cappuccino in a friendly pub. A white African woman snaps at her black ‘subordinate’. I
look at the man in question and shrug my shoulders. He winks at me and we both start
to laugh. Who is oppressing who?
In the evening, Ali, our contact-person from Mamelodi, comes round to make our
acquaintance. We take him to a restaurant. He wants us to stay with Christa and
Ronald. I do not know why, but I have my doubts. I ask Ali if he is sure that this is the
right place for us…
* Tuesday 8 February
Ali phones to say that he cannot pick us up until the evening. So we go into town again
and visit the Melrose House museum. The British built the first concentration camps
here during the Boer War of 1899–1901. They killed thousands of women and children.
All the livestock was slaughtered and whole areas burnt to the ground. Twenty
thousand British soldiers and just as many farmers were killed.
A lotus is no rose
A lotus cannot be a rose and a black person will never become a white one. The desire
to make everybody equal stems from fear and lack of respect. Ultimately, it is not a
question of black or white; it is the fear of being different. It is a matter between
people or rather inside people. The human heart beats with the same rhythm in white,
black, brown, yellow and red people everywhere. When, oh when, will we be prepared
to learn the lesson that we are all the same, even though we look different. Uniformity
distracts from the beauty of life. It would be like having all the keys of a piano tuned
to the same tone, the colour of the music would be lost. Let us not tune all the keys in
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the same way, but try to find harmony between the different tones. Diversity brings
colour to our existence and makes it possible for us to play the complete symphony of
life, without end and without restrictions.
We enjoy the street life and buy roast corn on the cob. All of a sudden, our vendor drops
everything, gets her little cart and disappears. The ‘white’ police take all the
merchandise from the street vendors and throw it into the Black Maria. I stand frozen
at the spot. Although I do not say anything, my body certainly speaks volumes, ‘is this
really necessary?’
We can use the room at our hotel until Ali comes to collect us. As soon as he arrives he
gets into an argument with the hotel manager. After a while, all this starts to annoy me:
‘Ali, do not make the same mistake you are accusing the whites off. We are only human
and we all make mistakes now and again. They are looking after us very well. Please
stop this!’ I feel compassion for the manager. She is a lovely young woman with a heart
of gold. I can see that she feels hurt, which is understandable after all. How often has
she been put down before? In the past by the whites and unfortunately nowadays by her
own race. The black man feels superior to black women. Or is this his way of dealing
with people due to his feelings of inferiority? After all, women are showing enormous
strength and do not seem to need men to make something good out of their lives. This
must be extremely threatening for men. I give the manager a hug. ‘You are doing a
terrific job, thank you for looking after us so well. Please stay as you are.’
Later on, we will experience that Ali does not make at all the same demands on himself
as he does on others. He is the one who will fail to fulfil his commitments time and time
again.
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MAMELODI
‘Loving confrontation is a means to growth and wholeness.’
The three of us go by share taxi to Christa and Ronald’s house. The television is on in
their small living room and is not turned off, even not after I tell them we are not used
to a television. Our bedroom is far from clean. In the meantime we hear from Ali that
we cannot stay here. We do not mind it all!
The news on the television shows pictures of the floods in Zimbabwe. South Africa has
not been spared either. A large part of the slum district of Alexandra in Johannesburg is
washed away.
‘They should have stayed in their own country,’ is the hardly loving comment Christa
and Ronald make. The inhabitants of Alexandra are foreigners and do the work many
South Africans feel as inferior, since the abolition of apartheid. No, ultimately it is not
an issue between black and white people ….
* Wednesday 9 February
We get up early. Ali comes to pick us up and we leave for Kate’s house at about seven
o’clock. I can breathe again, we are home!
We have arrived at a ‘women’s house’. Kate lives here with her daughter Oema, her son
Fumani and her granddaughter Nt. Sakisi. Olga and her small son Amu are also there.
Although Ruth does not live in the house, she is also part of this family. Kate and she
are bosom friends. A few years ago, her husband nearly murdered Ruth at school. He
shot nine bullets into her body and then killed himself with one single bullet. Ruth was
paralysed and in a coma for days. According to Ruth it was the hand of God that
allowed her to live. She is able to function extremely well. She is a little ray of light just
like Kate. We are given Olga’s room, who is going to sleep at Ruth’s house for the time
being. Kate is the one who raises the children. She is doing this with love and a firm
hand and in addition to this, she has a full time job as a teacher. Kate is a natural earth
mother with an impressive body and a heart of gold. You get to love her. She loves me
immediately too, unconditionally. Only a few people notice that she sometimes needs a
shoulder to cry on also. I start to give her an energy-treatment. Although I have not
been able to give this kind of treatment for many years, it is easy to do it here. It does
not take any energy from me. Many more are to follow.
Olga’s room is crammed with her own and her children’s clothes. There is hardly
enough room for us to put away our few things. Privacy is a word that they do not know
here. We find the children in our room all the time. Strangely enough, it does not
bother me. Neither the toilet nor the shared bathroom has a lock on the door. Shame is
a Western invention.
The television seems to be on permanently in this house too, but fortunately, there is a
separate corner. After discussing the problem, the television is turned off at mealtimes
and from now on the children eat with us at the table. Initially, I decide not to eat. They
cannot understand this and find it difficult, although Kate really does her best to accept
it. Later on when I start eating some vegetables and fruit, they are clearly relieved; I do
love them after all. Not eating anything means rejection in this culture. Fortunately, I
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know these things from experience and love is more important than rigidity, so I choose
flexibility. Constipation is the consequence. Inconvenient, but it will also resolve itself.
Sent by God
Kate says we have been sent by God. There is absolute openness in everything,
openness and nearness. I do not feel restricted in any way whatsoever in this house,
nor by anybody either. This is all the more remarkable because my body forced me for
years to led a life practically completely isolated, and hardly I have been able to bear
any people around me at all.
Martha, another member of the ‘family’, takes us to the regional hospital that
afternoon. A project group in the Netherlands is collecting money to build a new
hospital. Although we are not part of this project, we have promised to find out how
things are progressing. The patients in the overcrowded waiting rooms often wait for
hours before it is their turn. Of course, we think this is terrible, seen from our Western
viewpoint of efficiency. Although the conditions could certainly be improved, time has a
different meaning. Here is always time for everything and everybody. As always, the
people are very open in their response to me.
We visit Kate’s mother, a wonderful woman and a Sangoma; a traditional healer.
Afterwards we have tea at an aunt’s house and go to the supermarket. We are objects of
interest. White people do not live in this community and the only ones you see here,
mainly work for the police. In the supermarket, we discover that the price of food is
high compared to what people earn. How spoilt we are in our little country!
Ali comes round that evening and forbids us to go out alone on the streets. I tell him
that I am old and wise enough to look after myself. Kate smilingly observes. She has
enough intuition to know that she does not have to chain me down, even though the
crime figures have become terrifyingly high since the abolition of apartheid.
Apartheid and its consequences
Men no longer have ideals to fight for since the abolition of apartheid. The ideal to be
free no longer exists. According to the law, apartheid does not exist any more.
Unfortunately, this is very different in practice. You can lay down everything in laws,
but time is required to bring about this change in the souls of the people. You cannot
just wipe out the effects of years of oppression. In many cases, men have totally lost
their sense of usefulness and worthiness. Unemployment is extremely high and they
have completely lost their roots because of the national legislation, apartheid and
other upheavals. What was left of their self-respect has been taken away by our
Christian doctrines, which undoubtedly are well meant, yet nevertheless based on fear
and without respect. In doing so, we have taught them that all non-Christians are
heathens and that reverence for ancestors and other meaningful customs are sinful. It
is too ridiculous for words!
In the Negro culture, usually the women carried out the physical work. Nevertheless,
men had a clear role; they fulfilled an advisory role, went hunting, protected women
and children and were at the head of the community. Gold mining and forced
migration to the towns caused the roles to change. The men went out to earn the
money. Unemployment is extremely high at present. Men feel themselves superfluous.
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This creates a vicious circle of oppression, drinking and violence. Add to this the
disconcerting fact that at least one third of the black and coloured population is
infected with the AIDS virus. Nearly every family has lost somebody because of crime,
on top of that there are now the many victims of AIDS.
Family ties are very strong. Besides your father and mother, all your aunts and
uncles are your mothers and fathers too. Many girls are sexually abused by members
of their own family, neighbours or friends. Men used to think and some of them still
think that raping a virgin can cure you of AIDS. No wonder so many young women
are infected with the virus which means that many children are born with it. The
government is trying to solve this problem by handing out condoms free of charge.
This is rather short sighted when you know that Negroes seldom use condoms. By the
time they have woken up to the facts and have built up sufficient self-respect, usually
it is too late.
I remember very well the pictures on the television broadcast after the abolition of
apartheid. I will never forget the lust and the hate in the eyes of the black people. I
was very sure then that the problems obscured by white dominance, now would be
played out between the Negroes themselves. How true this has turned out to be.
Although white and black form a clear contrast and I certainly do not want to gloss
over the role of our dominance, ultimately the problem goes much deeper. This same
oppression is found in the black person, the brown person and in the yellow person.
They also oppress and kill each other. If we really want to go to the root of the
problem, then we will have to go back to the origin of the human race. This is where
the separation from the Source began and fear started to replace love. The more
people began to identify with the material world and forgot they were spirits, the
more they began to dominate each other. Knowledge became power. They forgot their
age-old wisdom and rivalry took over from fun and meeting people. Reason became
more important than feelings with the result that the rational whites began to feel
superior to other races. Men felt superior to women. We banned God and replaced
Him by the material world or in other words, the mammon. People started to believe
that they were God and that they did not need anything or anyone. People became
machines, which you could keep alive by constantly repairing them. People who did
not have perfect bodies were superfluous creatures that you had to remove from the
system preferably before birth. The elderly were no longer the advisors of the tribe
and the society, and became superfluous consumers. The handicapped were seen as
useless; in short, we all know what I am talking about. Isn’t this frighteningly similar
to Hitler’s idealized picture?
Even though the family still plays an important role in the black and coloured
communities, young people are starting to rebel. The influences of the West, the
openness and the transfer of knowledge through television and the Internet have
already left their mark. It is undoubtedly true that all ‘civilizations’ will have to be
broken down completely before new civilizations will be able to rise again.
Involution and evolution alternate. We are now living in a period of breaking down
and decline. If we dare to let this process take its course, we will rise from the ashes
completely renewed.
It is not raining this afternoon and Giri and I go out onto the street. I feel just as safe
here in Mamelodi with its one and half million inhabitants, as in the city of Pretoria.
We have some lovely conversations with school children. Oema is ill, so we give her an
energy-treatment. Less than an hour later, she is standing before us completely
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recovered. We take Martha to her RDP house where she lives with her invalid mother
and her two children. As everywhere, this small room, about twenty-four square metres
is very neat and tidy. The care for body and housing is impressive; we have seen the
opposite in other countries under similar conditions. The RDP houses are the result of a
new law introduced after the abolition of apartheid. To replace the slums, the
government provides these houses free of charge to vulnerable people in society. I gave
the extra clothes I brought with me to Martha. Those she cannot use she will pass on to
other members of her family. Over the next few days we see various people wearing our
clothes.
In the evening we take Ruth and Olga home and we watch a documentary about Sierra
Leone. It is atrocious. Child soldiers, put under the influence of drugs, are deployed to
brutally kick and beat up other children. Sometimes they even cut off hands. This is so
inhumane and beyond all comprehension. How deep we have sunk that we are capable
of such atrocities. What a brave person that reporter is to risk his life to film and show
these pictures so the world would know....
Have we really been here for only one day?
* Thursday 10 February
It is raining again. Ali will make some appointments for us. In the afternoon, we visit
the SOS children’s village and have a talk with the director. He describes the situations
of the various black tribes in an interesting way. Being a Zulu himself, he knows too
well how superior the Zulu’s feel comparing to the other tribes. He tells us that Negroes
want equal rights since the abolition of apartheid. They want the same houses as the
whites and they think slave labour is for foreigners. Yes, and preferably they would like
a four-bedroom apartment where even meals are served free of charge. A bit like it is in
the Netherlands!
* Friday 11 February
We do not wait for Ali any longer to make an appointment for us and go to the hospital
ourselves. We talk to the director about the project and Rosa, the deputy director, is
showing us around. I feel her rejection which I first do not understand. We are just
trying to get an impression of the various situations in the hospital. Some departments
are closed due to renovation and other parts need refurbishing. The atmosphere could
also do with a bit of fresh air. I talk to three proud mothers who have just given birth.
After having observed these interactions, contact with Rosa becomes more open. She
invites us to come back tomorrow to talk to Sara, the manager. We collect Kate from
school and are accosted by dozens of lovely children. They cling onto me and cannot be
prized off me. I really enjoy being hugged and kissed like this.
Confrontations
Two children have been drowned in the river. In the past every year a cow was
sacrificed. Now this does not happen anymore, the gods get angry and a whirlpool
regularly draws a child deep into the water.
There is another confrontation with Ali this evening. I want my freedom, based on
mutual respect. He finds it difficult to part with his authority and to let go of his fears.
Eventually he even builds walls round his house to protect his lovely little daughter....
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* Saturday 12 February
Peter, Oema’s fiancé, takes us to a funeral. We go by share taxi to the departure point.
The church service has already finished. Several buses are crammed full of people. A
lovely angel is sitting in front of me, she befriends us immediately. Standing in the field,
we hug each other under a sun-protecting umbrella. We tell each other that differences
do not exist. We women will ensure peace and then men will follow. Women are the
strength here in South Africa. Without women, South Africa would have met its
downfall long ago. Amongst all the black people, I see three lonely white South
Africans, completely isolated. I feel sorry for them; I feel their pain and their feelings of
guilt. What a challenge to settle these things. Several funerals are taking place at the
same time. Family and friends have dug up the graves. The holes are deep enough to
prevent the coffins from being recycled. Naturally, everybody sings and dances to their
heart’s content. These people have wonderful rich voices.
After the funeral has finished, we get back by bus and queue up for the meal. A black
funeral is a real farewell party and an expensive affair. The whole street and all the
members of the social club, which the deceased person belonged to, helped to prepare
the meal. Unlike what we are used to, the food is not only for invited people, everybody
is welcome. Another angel takes us away from the queue and brings us to the main
room straight away. A few years ago I would have found this embarrassing; thank
goodness this is behind me now. People tell us how special it is that we are here. Well, I
also feel extremely privileged. I keep on hugging.
Obstacles
How many obstacles do you sometimes have to get round to reach another person’s
heart? Here, where thinking has not yet caste a cloud over emotional life, it is all open
and exposed; there is absolutely nothing between those two. Forgiveness and respect
form the basis for a new world full of love and mutual understanding.
We feel happy as we walk back home, of course we do not go back immediately. In the
afternoon, we wash Oema’s car. I chuckle to myself because she is walking around
giving orders just like a slave driver. Times have changed!
We go with Kate to Saulsville, another black community. Here we meet a house full of
lovely women, the social women’s club. Every month they save money to support each
other whenever there is a birth, funeral, wedding or a graduation party. This happens in
every street. This is a wonderful initiative that we, in the Netherlands, could take as an
example to stop us from becoming isolated. A society as overly cared for as ours, kills all
creativity and individual initiatives.
I have several deep conversations and am able to get to the core of the matter with
everybody. I have never experienced anything like this before. Because of all the
‘knocks’ I have had over the last few years, I am more open than before. I am now
reaping the harvest of the process of all these years, the process of transmutation, the
process of transformation, the process of alchemy.
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New fruit
Good and bad experiences alternate with each other in the same way as the seasons
do in nature. What we usually call bad, appear in retrospect to be the seeds, which
when ripened into insight, will form new fruits on our tree of life.
In the evening, we go to a wedding with Peter and Oema. Oema is recalcitrant. She uses
me as a defence mechanism against Peter, or rather against men in general. I do not
play along with her game.
The dowry
Labollo, the dowry, which the man’s family has to pay to the woman’s parents, is the
result that the man considers his wife to be a sort of ‘possession’. This is the reason
that, as in Ruth’s case, they regularly settle divorces with a gun. Changes are,
however, in full swing. I meet men who are more in harmony than many Westerners
are. They have developed their emotional side very naturally.
Most of the men stay outside and are already drunk before the speeches have finished.
The family is served food first and then the guests of honour, us in this case. The bride
and groom start the first dance and when Giri and I go onto the dance floor, believe me,
we really are the bee’s knees. Immediately my partner is whisked away from me. I am
shown how to move, which I do with ease. I had actually practised at Kate’s house. The
fathers of both the bride and the groom thank us for coming. We go home feeling
grateful and satisfied.
* Sunday 13 February
We go to the service at the Methodist Church with Kate. The singing is wonderful and
Ali is one of the ‘ministers’. Although I cannot understand what he is saying, I can feel
his fanaticism every so often. The women in the choir do not let themselves put aside.
When they have had enough from al the talking, they just start singing. Then they
introduce us and we are invited to say something. So my vision comes true, I am
standing in the ‘pulpit’ and talk about love, brotherhood and equality. What I want to
say is brief but the energy that flows towards me is so overwhelming that my heart
begins to miss a beat. After the service has finished, we have a moving conversation
with one of the other preachers.
According to him, we bring hope to their hearts; hope that one day there will be
Unity.
After stopping off at all sorts of places, going into people’s houses and having the
customary drinks, we go home. The children are at the house of Kate’s mother Maria.
We have the house to ourselves, it is nice and quiet and it is cosy sitting together on the
couch talking about money and differences in customs.
* Monday 14 February
Ali did not what he promised to do and he failed to make the telephone call he should
have made this morning. So we go to the hospital on our own and have a revealing and
open meeting with Sara and Rosa. My honesty encourages them to air their
frustrations. They are fed up with all the promises which have been made but not kept.
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I tell them that we have not come for a specific project. We are not going to build any
hospitals but we have come with an open heart and a great deal of love. ‘That’s all we
need’, they say. I tell them that we white people are often so stupid that we think we
have to solve other people’s problems according to our typically Western standards. We
try to get rid of our feelings of guilt by investing money in businesses and projects
based on Western principles. On the other hand, the mistake they make is that they just
simply sit and wait until we solve their problems. ‘In the meantime, you let your energy
flow away and you transfer all your dissatisfactions, even about your wages, to your
patients. I don’t think they deserve that.’ Both of them take us into their hearts and they
invite us to come to the general medical meeting on Thursday. Sara advises us to visit a
number of other clinics first, so we can get a fuller picture.
Offenders and victims
If such a thing as guilt should exist, then this means that we are all guilty of all the
misunderstandings that occur in the world. All these misunderstandings arise out of
ignorance and lack of love. Ultimately, there is no such thing as offenders and victims.
At some time, we have played the role of the offender, and at some time, we have been
victims or we will play that role somewhere in the future. Just like the waves in the
sea, just like high and low tide. However, the water in the sea is always the same. Let
us administer justice with this knowledge.
We go back to the SOS children’s village and this time we are shown around as
promised. It is a fantastic well-founded project. After having cuddles with toddlers and
pre-school children, we meet Sammie and Thabo, both social workers and examples of
optimism and beauty. It is their task to guide youngsters of eighteen and older who are
going back into society. The communication between us is just as open as I have with
the women here.
When we get home, we meet Samuel, a small self-employed carpenter who cannot get a
bank loan. He thinks that we will be able to solve his problems. We cannot do that, but
we can give him some specific ideas. ‘Let go of your aggression Samuel and take
responsibility for yourself by having a different, more open attitude’. He listens with an
open heart without any resistance, and he really understands what I am talking about.
Maria, Kate’s mother, shows us the ‘tools’ of a Sangoma. Sangomas are natural healers
who use the powers of their ancestors by throwing of bones and other natural
attributes. Still nowadays Sangomas are frequently consulted when there is a birth,
sickness, a wedding or a death. The government is trying to give them a place within the
health care system. Maria gives us a fascinating demonstration of the way she works.
Nobody complains in Kate’s house. We laugh a lot and make jokes. Giri and I do the
enormous pile of washing up in the mini kitchen. I ‘complain’ to Kate about the
changing times, ‘You used to do this for us in the past.’ Everything is possible!
We go to the Stanza Bopape clinic with Oema. The building is friendly and the
atmosphere is much more pleasant than in the hospital. We get permission to take
photographs and I have some lovely conversations with mothers and children. After
that, we go to the old people’s home. Christine, the matron, has actually already retired
but somebody has to do the work. The conditions here are extremely sober, yet the sun
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shines everywhere. Instead of complaining, an old ‘sailor’, who is almost blind, tells us
that he gets more than five hundred Rand a month, something that does not happen in
any other African country. All those who are still able to express themselves radiate
gratitude and happiness. A funeral is due to take place that day. The social club arrives
and they all join in the cooking. However, for a Negro whose family ties are so
important, it is still a scandal to die anywhere else than in the care of your own family.
Firm as a rock
I stay firm as a rock in the middle of all the tumult. I have had a marvellous training
over the last few years in which I usually lived in tranquillity. My foundation is much
stronger now and I rarely get irritated. When four-year old Amu is being a pest, I tell
him off. He does not speak any English yet, but I know a little Tonga and tell him that
I love him as regularly as clockwork. He knows that I mean it. Amu is hyperactive
and as a result often does not make himself very loveable. However, the only thing
that he really needs is love. That is something I have plenty of.
We visit the clinic in West Mamelodi. This clinic has a preventive function.
Vaccinations and medical care for children up to the age of six are free. What is more,
they provide information on a large scale. The government has started enormous
campaigns against AIDS and hands out millions of free condoms.
Short-term solutions
It shows that they follow the same course of action as always. Choosing the shortterm solutions, putting plasters on open, festering wounds instead of tackling the
underlying cause. Is it perhaps one of the limitations of our human existence that we
always seem to be overtaken by events?
Posters on the backs of buses give the warning, ‘Raping women will take away half of
your manliness’. Material life has no value whatsoever. Women often have an
unbelievably hard life. If they are financially independent, like Kate, they no longer
choose to share their lives with a man. They have been abused and oppressed for too
long. On the other hand, this makes men unsure and more aggressive, which regularly
results in excesses.
Struggle for freedom
If you want to support women properly in their struggle for freedom, you must
certainly not forget the role of men. It was not so long ago that we faced a similar
problem.
We are going to visit the police station today. This is also the first place where prisoners
are kept; the offences vary from theft to murder. This time, we meet white Africans,
white police officers. They immediately want to know where we are living and point out
to Oema what her responsibilities are in respect of us. I tell the police officer that we
came here out of free will and take responsibility for ourselves. Furthermore, I refuse to
see every man as a potential rapist, thief or murderer. After having said all this, an
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honest and open conversation follows and I tell him that he is a wonderful person. It
comes straight from my heart and he feels extremely moved by this! It is not easy to live
with such an incredible feeling of guilt.
It is time for spring-cleaning. Cate the washerwoman arrives and everything is put to
one side. I clean our bedroom as far as it is possible and I enjoy doing so. We go to the
hospital in the afternoon and introduce ourselves to the team. On the way back, we
meet the secretary of the project. He stops us in our tracks to greet us. When he hears
that we have come from the Netherlands, his face clouds over and finally we realise
what is going on. There is a total misunderstanding between blacks and whites and I do
not want anything to do with it. I finally understand Rosa and Sara’s initial wariness.
We have smoothed the relationships and those involved will have to do the rest. My
foreboding concerning this project was completely correct. When will we learn to stop
wanting to help these poor Negro children in our own way? You can build a hospital
here, but the whole project will collapse into a heap if the community itself does not
take on responsibility for the project. The best we can do is to support initiatives, which
are instigated here. Besides, there are newly-build hospitals in Pretoria which stay
empty because the staff has gone abroad.
Feelings of guilt and sense of duty
What a pity, feelings of guilt and sense of duty are bad and unworthy counsellors,
with which we burden the receivers with all the things we have not worked out
ourselves. We take them out of the frying pan and put them into the fire. Love is
daring to be present, love is daring to feel. Love is daring to put yourself in somebody
else’s place, allowing yourself to be touched. And when you dare to take all this inside,
both the immense suffering and the overwhelming joy, without putting up walls
between yourself and the other person, believe me, you are no longer concerned about
providing a practical material solution immediately.
If you want to give, do it out of love and not out of a feeling of guilt or sense of duty.
Feelings of guilt create new karma and it is better not to give, as this is your motive. It
is better to work on yourself until you have created the openness enabling you to
share your abundance with others.
We give some food to two hungry boys in the Nelson Mandela Park and are told off by
the women on the stalls who think that these lazy devils should go out to work.
Anyhow, hunger is hunger. I certainly think twice before I give money, which they
immediately would spend on beer, cigarettes or drugs. Though as long as I have enough
to eat…….
Today the house is overcrowded and there is not one quiet moment. Fortunately our
inner peace is always there.
I wake up and I know that I am going to tell Sara personally that we are not going to
continue with our investigation at the hospital. The personal lesson is obvious and to be
honest I knew what the lesson was before we had even left the Netherlands. ‘Do not tie
yourself to any organizations, keep a free hand and stay independent at all times.’ Sara
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and Rosa are pleased with my openness and tell us how much they have come to
appreciate us. They would love to stay with us if they get the opportunity to come to the
Netherlands. They are most welcome to come and stay with us when we are back home.
Even though our accommodation is small, we have big hearts.
It was a good decision, I feel full of energy. The next ‘project’ is a difficult talk with Ali.
In the afternoon we go outside and prepare the vegetables for the evening meal. My
awareness has been greatly expanded. This is pure joy. What could be better than to be
in complete harmony with the simple things in life?
In the evening, Kate shares her concerns with us. Martha has heard that her work at
MacDonalds will come to an end. We are able to help Martha financially for the first
month, which is better than nothing. It is good to be allowed to help! This is a burden
off Martha’s, and especially also of Kate's shoulders, our primeval mother.
Now she has taken me into confidence about this matter we have become true sisters.
From now on we are one big family. What a privilege to be here!
Later on, we enjoy gazing at the wonderful starry sky with Sepp a friend of the family.
The moon is almost full. Sepp, who is lovely, points out his special star to me. It is
Venus. He says he never goes to sleep before making contact with her first.
Country of hope
‘The toughest challenges are only given to the best students.’
South Africa, you represent the country of hope to me. Don’t you realise that all over
the world we are watching you with hawk eyes to see how you manage to make this
transition without spilling any blood up until now? Nelson Mandela, in my eyes you
are a natural-born saint and the male personification of Mother Teresa. Your
withdrawal from the government was the turning point in the whole of African
history. Now you are like an angel watching over the welfare of South Africa from a
distance.
Furthermore, Nelson, you have shown that it is possible to use your circumstances,
which would have hardened and embittered most people, to realise your true being.
You found the light within the walls of the prison. By doing so, you have shown that
freedom is an inner state of ‘being’.
Not anything or anybody, apart from yourself, can prevent you from realising the
aim of your soul, when you choose love and not fear. This is the process of alchemy,
metal is turned into gold, and water is turned into wine. That what was transient,
becomes enduring. The phoenix rises from the ashes. The ego dissolves, the true self or
in other words the personality, manifests itself and the distinction between ‘I’ and
‘you’ disappears forever.
As you have already expressed in your wonderful verse cited at the beginning of this
book, when you liberate yourself from your deepest fears, you will liberate all others
close to you. Amen!
Your ‘being’ is a living example for everybody, white, black and coloured. We have
simultaneously arrived at the core. When our inner fight has been fought, we no
longer incite fighting in the outside world. Your ‘being’ is not only accepted by
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everybody, you are also respected. Colour, race and origin, titles and structures are
no longer of any importance. You stand naked before your Creator; you stand naked
and sincere in this world. With so much honesty around, all projections bounce off a
shield of love, our eyes are opened and the only thing we can do is to start looking
honestly at ourselves as spectators.
I know, God knows that your path has been inhumanly hard.
We visit the District Nursing Service, the AIDS project and Ruth’s school. How different
these children come across, they are much less open. They are not welcomed in their
own families and other relatives have taken over the upbringing. Poor children! This is
South Africa too. Ruth with her big heart is just the right person to give the love these
children are lacking so much.
* Saturday 19 February – full moon
Happy chattering women sweeping the road wake me up. A broom seller carries a
basket full of brooms on her head. She bears her poverty with pride, dignity and beauty.
Oema takes us to an enormous covered shopping mall in Pretoria. Dreadful! It makes
whites and blacks feel safe, because of the security everywhere. It is so totally unAfrican but so totally American and therefore not really my kind of thing. I stand on the
sidelines and feel like a spectator. The closed in atmosphere and the air conditioning
make my head feel muzzy. No, I prefer Dennenboom station in Mamelodi, where lovely
colourful women sell their fresh vegetables from simple stalls in the street and roast
their corncobs on the dirt road. Yet even Kate prefers to do her weekly shopping in this
security conscious supermarket where the row of checkouts is so long that you cannot
see the end, and where Western impersonality has taken over. Where the vegetables
and fruit are not fresh by any means and the price of cornmeal, the basic African food,
is even more expensive than in the corner shop, a hopeless Western illusion.
In the afternoon, we go and see Roos, Martha’s sister who lives in Garankuwa, yet
another black community. In South Africa too, they frequently address me as a
shaman. I answer Roos’ questions and share my impressions about her health with her.
She goes quiet. The women enjoy the fact that I like their style of dancing and seem to
feel comfortable by doing it. Kate says that since my arrival and the reading of my book
she has stopped taking pills. I realise that also people here take in quite some pills.
I have had many pleasant dreams since I have been here, but last night I had a very
special one. The message I subsequently receive is as follows:
Humility
‘Be sure to stay yourself. Open your heart like a lotus flower and your inner strength
will transform the world.’ When we, ourselves are the essence and become pure love,
we become the creative force, total consciousness. Our ‘being’ is then sufficient to
manifest everything that is necessary into a visible or invisible form. We no longer
need external tools; we have become the instrument ourselves, through which
everything transforms.
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God, I do my best, in all humility. You undoubtedly know that I wish to embody my
spirituality. I am no longer going to make myself larger or smaller than I am. That
time of oppression has gone forever. I have chosen a life based on love and not longer
on fear. I dare to open myself to allow the fullness of your love, your unconditional
love to enter me.
Today, we are going to visit a very remarkable woman: Ellen Kuzwayo, ANC activist and
author of the book entitled, ‘Call me woman’. She lives in Soweto and is eighty-five
years old.
She has an important meeting today but she will be home after two o’clock. She would
like to meet us after that. Oema will drive and Ruth, whose mother lives in Soweto,
knows the way. Kate cancels her appointment with the social club, she is far too curious
about this special woman. We leave later than the agreed time and drive all the way to
Soweto swinging on Lundi’s gospel music
First, we go and see Ruth’s mother. Gail greets us with open arms and takes me into her
heart without any hesitation. She has heard so much about me from Ruth. This woman
gave up her job to bring up her grandchildren after their father died and to look after
her sick husband. She is pushing sixty, bubbling over with energy and has a heart the
size of the sun. The first meal of the day is served; vegetables and red beetroot for me.
Kate told her that I like this. Today, I do not even think of not eating. That is the
greatest sin I could commit.
Tools
Not eating is only a tool; it is not ‘the real thing’. It can be just as big a trap to be
addicted to not eating. An addiction is still an addiction. For me, the lesson I like to
learn is to find a balance between eating and not eating, so it will eventually no
longer makes any difference. It is now time for me to experiment with this tool, just as
the masters of the Far East have already done before me. They did not eat for long
periods and after this period of fasting they easily could start eating again. What
about our beloved master Jesus? He undoubtedly used the forty days of fasting in the
desert as a way of detaching himself from the material world to attain an even deeper
fusion with his Father.
Gail gives me a lovely present, an original water jar. I want to refuse the gift, for I want
to carry as little ‘ballast’ as possible, still I know I cannot do it without hurting her. Gail
is all movement; she is serving everything with swinging movements and with the
utmost care. I dance with her in the small-overcrowded room. She finds this
marvellous. I teach her to use aloe vera, the medicinal plant that is by far the best for
treating various complaints. This subtropical plant grows in several places here. Just
when we are about to leave, her granddaughter gets a phone call. Her boyfriend, a taxi
driver, is shot just around the corner.
Kate looks at me, and we hold each other’s gaze for a moment, without fear, for we
are safe. Of course Kate, I do not doubt it for a moment!
We go and see Ruth’s uncle and aunt, who give us a warm welcome. A lot of open, yet
pressing questions, about belief and about the church are being asked. I am just as open
with my answers.
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Personifications of the One
The church for me is only a form and does not have any value in itself. I can
experience contact with my Creator anywhere and at any time. All I have to do is to
look into the eyes of all these beautiful people. All of them are personifications of the
One.
I give Ruth’s aunt a hug; she is visibly moved by this. She comes from Oranje Vrijstaat
and has actually experienced all the bitter consequences of the apartheid. This is the
first time in her life that white people have come into her house. Who would have ever
dared to think this? A little later, we walk hand in hand to the waiting car. Swinging
along and singing, we drive out of the street, leaving many happy people behind us,
waving and blowing kisses to the children. It is more like a state visit! We visit Hector
Peterson’s monument. He was only ten years old when he died. He was the first victim
of the uprising in Soweto in 1976, which was caused by the fight for equal rights in
education.
When we arrive at Ellen Kuzwayo’s house, not far from Winny Mandela’s house, she is
still not at home. Her nephew does not exactly give us a warm welcome. A bit later,
when Ellen comes in accompanied by her youngest son Bobo, the energy changes
perceptibly. I see her wholeness immediately, which she did not have when she wrote
her book. Bobo does not leave her alone until she has had her insulin and then she is
totally there for us. Or rather, she is there for me. We sit holding hands and talk to each
other for hours, about women, about love, about people. I sit at her feet and feel
completely one with her. Today, they honoured her and gave her an award for the role
she has played in education. There was nothing for Winny Mandela, her friend and
fellow student. What a blunder! I feel compassion for Winny and know that she is a
very special woman who has made great personal sacrifices for the abolition of
apartheid.
Justice
Ellen has seen everything, the fight for freedom, imprisonment, a terrible first
marriage. Her second husband, with whom she had a fantastic relationship, died
young. She lost her eldest son. Her second oldest son called himself Justice when he
was only six years old, and has been exiled several times. You can rightfully call Ellen
the mother of black South Africa. All this has ultimately refined her and made her
whole. Now the inner separation in her has disappeared, she knows that it is the
struggle of people in general and of women in particular. After all, everybody is a
victim; we are all deformed by old conditionings. Negroes are no more victims than
white people are. As always, precisely this old conditioning forms the breeding
ground for renewed insights. These insights form the basis for true inner liberation.
Her son Justice arrives and I enjoy seeing the care he has for his mother. Ellen likes the
little peace light and my affirmation cards I brought for her. You would think I was in
love; we keep on hugging each other again and again. Her sons also get a hug, what a
wonderful fellows. I feel completely enlightened when we leave her house. Now we are
off to another friend of Kate. Loads of food is waiting for us here too. The house,
however, looks like a prison, even the terrace has been fenced off. There is so much fear
in South Africa, and I can understand it. Yet I try to make clear that all those fences and
all that barbed wire is a vicious circle, how do we break out of it? Unemployment is one
of the reasons why such an enormous amount of drinking goes on, especially at the
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weekend, a lot of cheap homemade beer. In the past, the beer brewed was very healthy
and used ritually. Now because of certain additives it has become a deadly drink. This
leads to violence and the highest percentage of casualties from road traffic accidents in
the world. We certainly do think up macabre ways of combating the problem of
overpopulation!
Leiki’s neighbour comes in and she asks what we have brought from overseas. I do not
have an answer immediately, but Kate has already. ‘Love’, Kate says, these people are
bringing us love. I feel very satisfied with this answer; I would never be able to improve
it myself. Swinging along we drive back home. Soweto with all its colour and liveliness
is a rich experience we will not forget lightly.
Love
Love is the basis underlying everything. When we act out of love, we create a world
full of abundance. There is enough for everybody if we dare to let go of our fear of not
getting enough.
Today, we are going to visit some white friends. We really want to hear their side of the
story. When Mart comes and picks us up, he seems not to notice Olga, or maybe he is
not used to greeting black people. Mart was active in Mamelodi before the end of the
apartheid. Now, according to him, the people want to do things their own way. Rightly
so. According to Mart, there was no crime in those days. Now it is an everyday
occurrence and the offenders make no distinction between blacks and whites. Slowly
but surely, the better-off white communities are becoming more mixed. Many white
Africans have lost their jobs. They will have to leave South Africa or move to smaller
houses. Better-off black people are taking their place, but this is still confined only to
the upper class.
Beggars
I have met various beggars, white beggars. They stand along the streets with
billboards hanging round their necks which say, ‘I am unemployed, please help me.’
They have forgotten that they have something to give. They have forgotten who they
really are and relate to the victim’s role. Not only have they lost their job, their
friends, and their status, above all they have lost their dignity. White people get their
‘self-confidence’ from external things and when these fall away, their false self-image
collapses.
The black person is less dependent on the ‘outside’ and so the blow is not as hard. He is
usually creative enough to think of something to keep himself alive. If not, then his
family is usually there to lend a helping hand.
People in black and coloured communities generally live more in the here and now
than we do. They share whatever is available at that particular moment. Whether or
not there will be food to eat tomorrow is tomorrow’s problem. We think this is short
sighted. Although the truth is undoubtedly somewhere in the middle, it requires a
strongly rooted belief and trust to be able to live like this.
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Our friends live in a complex for old white people. They have a lovely house. However,
the only entrance to the complex is through a guarded gatehouse. They have created
their own prison. Lieke tells us that they used to live outside the complex. After the
abolition of apartheid, many Negroes and coloureds lost their jobs and came to the
door to beg. If Lieke did not have any money, she gave them fruit or something else to
eat. This was not what they wanted and they just threw it over the hedge. Lieke became
frightened and no longer dared to stay at home alone. Yet, Mart and Lieke do not want
to go back to the Netherlands, this is their home. Money is the main subject of
discussion. I make a comment about this, which is something I would never have done
in the past. However well meaning they might be, Mart is so very small-minded that he
does not listen to other people’s opinions at all. I am pleased when it is time to go
home. Mart accepts a glass of lemonade in our house and criticises Olga because she
offers biscuits with it, this is not done! Biscuits should only be served with coffee and
tea. Poor Mart! Then to think that biscuits are only offered in this house when there are
visitors.
Whatever makes your heart sing
In essence, good and evil do not exist. If, however, you still want to define these you
could say that good is whatever makes your heart sing and evil is whatever gives you
a nasty feeling and goes against your ‘conscience’. It is important to be aware of your
underlying intention in everything you do. Our intention is the basis of ‘good and evil’
and ultimately determines the outcome of all our actions.
Hendrik, the headmaster of Kate’s school, is going to pick us up this evening. We are
going to a rehearsal of his male choir. We are treated as guests of honour and enjoy this
to the full. There are many fine men with impressive voices in the choir. They ask me if
I would like to say something at the end of the rehearsal. I ask them if they realise how
beautiful they are. I tell them how women describe African men, and what I really see
in them. I talk about hope and about love, about daring to be soft and yet strong. I tell
them that we are here together to make the connection, the connection of the rainbow.
The men shine and are visibly moved. Then they sing an extra song for us, a song about
peace. I embrace many of the men, an embrace without an ulterior motive, honest and
open. When we get home, Kate is waiting for us with some lovely salads.
Faith in God
Hendrik tells us about his daughter. Last year she was shot dead by her husband, who
then took his own life. They left a baby, who is now raised by Hendrik and his wife.
When I show my sympathy, Hendrik says, ‘I have accepted it now, Yasmin, this would
not have happened if it had not been God’s will.’
The faith in God is unbelievably great. Even the poorest person still says, ‘It is God’s
will’. These people feel closely connected to what they believe in. As Christians, they
put their faith in the master Jesus. Thanks to this faith, which gives them something to
hold on to, they are not stuck in the past. They live each day to the full, which gives
them the flexibility to deal with setbacks and to focus their attention on a new day
without resentment and without regret.
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Today a man in the Cape shot dead seven members of his family. He then fled with his
gun to the mountains. His task has not been fulfilled yet, the process is still unfinished.
Then, he will give himself up or more probably he will kill himself.
As promised, we deliver our photographs to the right places and after all these intense
experiences we are longing for a day of rest. Well that is certainly not going to be
possible today. It is always an open house here. I feel it has been enough for now and
we are ready for the next step. We decide to go and visit a couple of doctors in
Grobbersdal to join their own developed AIDS-info-project. When Kate hears that we
intend to go to Grobbersdal by bus, she does not have a moment’s peace. She does not
go to bed until late in the evening after having organised that friends of hers will drive
us there. I accept this. I know it is realistic and Kate is not patronising. We want to
combine this visit with a visit to a mission station of a friend, who has now gone back to
the Netherlands.
We find out that the AIDS project has been put off for a week. So Giri phones the
mission station. We are more then welcome and there is a direct bus connection from
East Lyne station'. We decide not to wait until the evening. I ask Martha to accompany
us and phone Kate at school to put her mind at rest. We have to wait for two and a half
hours in East Lyne. However, there is plenty to see and anyway time stands still in a
certain state of consciousness. I buy some mangoes for all those waiting, and no longer
I can do anything wrong. We meet an angel who puts us on the right bus. We save ten
Rand by buying her season ticket, which we have to hand over to the bus driver. There
are two free seats on the bus, thank goodness! The woman next to me is not very
talkative so I am able to enjoy the surroundings and can have a lovely doze. Halfway,
some school children get on the bus and they make sure that we get off at the right
place two and half hours later. We have our angels everywhere!
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SYABUSWA
‘The path to the light goes right through the darkness.’
JP, who comes from Ireland, welcomes us with an open heart. He tells us that it has not
been very safe in this mission station for some time now. The fathers have all been
mugged and threatened with guns and knives at least once, and the mission post is
regularly ransacked and cars are stolen. They do not go out in the evening, except if a
dying person calls for them. Even that can be a trap. A colleague who wanted to give a
hitchhiker a lift was been shot dead. Well, we are here now and we are always in the
right place at the right time so we are not going to walk away this time either. In the
evening, JP takes us along to a service. There are practically only women and children
in the church. I sit next to two absolute angels.
Straight from oneness
I sense that the little girl next to me has something wrong with her lungs so I sit her on
my lap. I just let the energy flow through and she falls asleep immediately. The
mother takes the child from me and puts her on the floor to sleep. Before I know it, the
next toddler is on my lap. I feel that these children have come straight from the
oneness and they are still dwelling in that oneness. There is absolutely no sense of sin
or unworthiness in them, no sense of separateness or apartheid either. This means it
is not God who has imparted this to us, all of this must be a human construction.
We have long conversations with JP during the evening walk. JP is pessimistic about
the situation. According to him, there is no hope at all for South Africa. Most men work
in the cities. They leave at the crack of dawn and come home late in the evening. Most
men only come home once a month. They have their concubines in the city; there they
are infected with AIDS and transfer it to their wives. A third of the adults and children
are infected with the AIDS virus, not to mention all the violence and the oppression.
We meet Johanna, the domestic help at the mission station. Father Pete has given her a
house. She has seven children, the oldest is twenty-three and lives in the city, and the
youngest are twins who are one and a half years old. She says she is tired of life. She
does not really know her husband because she hardly ever sees him. She has been to
social services for support. They will trace her husband to point out his obligations.
What will happen when he comes home? ‘Perhaps he’ll cut my throat, I don’t care, and
living like this is too hard for me’. ‘I pray to God for a solution’. When I look at her
properly, I see things that I do not like at all. I would not be surprised if Johanna also
was infected with the AIDS virus. This does not only apply to Johanna, this is the sad
story of many women.
Last night we were completely devoured by mosquitoes, awful! We really are in the
countryside now. There are no surfaced roads here, not every house has water, and
electricity is an exception.
First, we read our emails and I send a short message to the home front. After that, we
go with JP to the crèche built by the mission. It is a beautiful project and is now
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completely self-supporting. There is a round ceremonial room, painted in traditional
Ndebele colours. The roots of this culture are being reintegrated. The churches have
also learnt from the mistakes they made in the past and they are trying to put this right.
Ultimately it is never too late and we are never too old to learn from the mistakes we
have made.
Dare to make mistakes
How for heavens sake will we ever learn if we never dare to make any mistakes? After
all, we learn by making mistakes and the insights we gain as a result of that. If you
are alive and you move, you are bound to make mistakes. If you think that you have
never made a mistake, you have never lived either. Mistakes arise out of ignorance.
When we have gained a new insight, when we ‘know’, we do not need to make the
same mistake again. Let us let go of what no longer serves us. Let us give the past a
place in the eternal ‘now’ and forgive ourselves and others for our ignorance. Let us
start each day with a clean, blank slate and a loving and pure intention.
Agnes, the team leader, is a marvellous woman and her enthusiasm is reflected in the
gorgeous children. Since the last break-in some years ago, this project has now a
security system.
After that, we go to the sport’s day of the year. JP sizes up the situation very quickly and
does not want to get out of the car. However, Rosemarie, an Amazon, with an
exceptionally special charisma, is waiting for us and she will guide us through the
crowd. JP leaves the decision up to me. Yes, we are going to do it, Rosemarie deserves
it. The atmosphere we go into is one that I have never experienced before, a stadium
full of young people who stare at us with empty, expressionless eyes. Hopeless, I
experience an intense feeling of hopelessness, of three-dimensional, earth-bound
hopelessness. I get the feeling that not much is needed to turn the apparent order into
chaos and we could be lynched quite easily. I manage to behave ‘normally’ and to
approach these young people as openly as possible. Once inside the enclosure, I even
make a speech in front of the microphone about hope and trust and wave to the young
people in the packed stands. They even waved back and I was hugged as well. We left
after about twenty minutes. I feel deeply affected by this public display of despair. What
kind of a future I am talking about? I am fooling myself; do these young people have a
future at all? I have a headache. Although I see the reality behind all the pretence, life in
the material dimension sometimes seems so pointless! Although I cannot quite see it at
this moment, even this must have a meaning, whatever that might be.
Seclusion
Sin does not exist, only seclusion, seclusion chosen by our soul when it decided to
incarnate in this earthly substance. From this total oblivion, from this created
isolation, we initially live as material beings and we have forgotten who we really
are, until that moment arrives when we reawaken. This feeling of solitude results in
despair, separateness and the need to oppress each other.
We read and lounge around a bit and later on, we go to a small hamlet called ‘Oorlog’
(War) with DG, the French priest. In the countryside, they cook on open fires, either
under a shelter or not. The house we visit is nice compared to the other slums.
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Although the furnishings are shabby, inside it is spotlessly clean. It is striking that it is
remarkably clean everywhere we go even though we just drop in unannounced.
We have a meal with our French priest. I am unable to stop myself from asking why we
do not say grace before we start eating. It feels strange to disseminate ideas to the
outside world, if you do not live these by yourself. There is a clear contrast between
living here and in Kate’s house. At her house, you never start eating before giving
thanks. Everybody takes turns to do this and it is always original. A prayer is not just
rattled off as used to happen in my home when I was young. It is funny to feel the
differences: the openness of our women’s community compared with the awkwardness
of this male household. Although this house does not lack anything, I miss the warmth.
Nobody thanks Johanna for the excellent meal she has prepared for us.
Little things
Little things make the difference. It are little things which are meaningful. We can
only disseminate that what we are and express ourselves by putting it into practice
every day.
JP takes us along to the secondary school. The boys and girls are working under the
guidance of their teachers on an information programme about AIDS. They are going to
take this programme to all the schools in the area. We fulfil the function of the public. It
is inspiring; the teachers are extremely open to our comments.
DG has taken notice of my comment. He asks me to say grace before we eat. We form a
circle and let the energy flow through, thanking the universe for the gift of the food
provided. Kate phones up, she is missing me. After the meal, DG takes us to the clinic
run by Hugo and Liesje in Elandsdoorn. Hugo is just about to leave so we only have
time to greet each other. A colleague called Harry shows us round the clinic and I am
really impressed. It is a wonderful clinic providing an optimal service. Waiting times
are virtually unheard of and they try to keep the prices down to make the treatments
affordable for everyone. My idol Herman van Veen sponsored and opened this project.
There is so much more than just the clinic. Undernourished babies are taken in to get
back their strength. The mothers can stay here and are able to earn a living by growing
vegetable plants, which they sell later. The bakery bakes healthy Dutch bread for the
whole community. There is even a nursery for babies infected with AIDS. I feel touched
by Hugo and Harry’s charisma. They are wonderful souls who are carrying out a clear
mission.
We drive back through the fields and we see acres of cotton plants, orange trees,
soybeans, tobacco, maize, pumpkins, and so on. We are in one of the most fertile
agricultural areas of South Africa.
Giri and I call on Johanna, she misses Father Pete. He looked after her and visited her
often in contrast to the fathers who are here now. A windowpane is broken in her house
and the electricity is cut off. People cannot get on with electricity and such systems.
Looking ahead is difficult in this culture. The government tries to overcome this by
making electricity boxes that can be operated with a card-system. You buy power for a
certain amount of money. The thousand Rand, which Johanna earns each month is not
much, although the majority do not even earn that little. The fees for school and the day
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nursery are terribly high. There is hardly any food in the house. Undoubtedly, we can
do something about this. That evening in the mission post I draw attention to
Johanna’s situation. According to African tradition Johanna is part of the family. She
needs love and support and some appreciation too for all the things she does. At least
the fathers are listening to me sympathetically.
We watch a video about the riots in Soweto in 1976. The pictures really impress me.
Oppression seems to encourage people to attain supernatural strengths.
Fear attracts fear
Well, it seems that we are only able to find ourselves by being oppressed or by
oppressing ourselves. It is a vicious circle; fear attracts fear. It is difficult to break old
patterns because what we experience becomes engraved in our brain like a kind of
radar pattern. The moment we are born we start life with a blank disc and each new
experience and each act is recorded. We repeat what is familiar to us over and over
again, just like a disc. In order to enter the new world, the boundless spiritual world,
we have to ‘erase’ ourselves, to detach ourselves from everything that is old and
trusted; to ‘unlabel’ ourselves. Every time it requires a lot of practice, courage and
alertness to recognise these patterns inside of us, to break these and to return to a
clean slate.
* Saturday 26 February
We tidy up our room after the morning meditation and watch a video about the
traditional initiation rites of the Ndebele tribe. Boys leave home as adolescents and
return as self-confident young men a few days later. It is a valuable experience and
therefore rape is virtually unknown in this tradition. The women also have their own
rituals. With JP we visit several lovely families and some small parishes, including the
place where the chief of the Ndebele lives. He has also been baptised, although I am
convinced that he has remained faithful to his tradition. And rightly so. We meet the
well-known Ndebele painter, Francien Mahlangu. This amazing woman teaches this
unique type of painting to young girls. I wonder what the function is of the rings that
she wears round her neck, arms and legs. In my opinion, stretching the neck has a
healing effect on the whole of the spine. Francien’s daughter cooks outside on an open
fire, as is customary in the countryside. She is not feeling well and asks me for help. I
listen and see what I can do and teach her how to use the healing power of aloe-vera,
which grows in her back garden.
Our last visit of the day is to our strong friend Rosemarie, her mother and her daughter.
Her mother is also a Sangoma, a medicine woman. We lock the car and we do not stop
until we are on their land. On Rosemarie’s veranda, you are not aware of any danger
only total peace and quietness. Three generations of wonderful women safeguard the
harmony of this place with their strength and trust. For the first time since I known him
JP is calming down totally.
Back at the mission station, I confront JP with his restlessness in this father-house and
his being at ease at Rosemarie’s place. He admits. According to him, there is no bond
between the priests. JP, what are you all disseminating then? Isn’t it a question of
setting an example, or do I have it wrong? When we leave the mission post, the priests
thank us. According to DG we have left them with something to think about. They
would very much like to see us again. JP takes us to the taxi rank.
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It takes one and half-hours for the fifteen seats to fill up so we can leave. There is
enough to see and the people are open to contact. In the end, we are lucky because we
drive to Khutsung first and do not have to go all the way down to Dennenboom-station.
Kate greets us with open arms. There has been another big cleaning session today.
Everything shines and sparkles. She has made some splendid salads. It feels like a real
homecoming!
An excellent manager
Kate is a superb woman with a wonderful spirit and she has the ability to do fantastic
things with her money. She is one of the few people who maintain their possessions. In
addition, she banned alcohol from this house. She rather uses her money to feed the
children and to care for them. Yes, she is an excellent manager and shares her
knowledge with everybody who wants to learn from her. Nobody leaves this house
feeling hungry and there is always a small job to be done.
We go with Peter and Oema to a funeral in Mabopane, an enormous black township
with over three million inhabitants. We drive through the places where the junkies are
hanging around and lock the car from the inside. The service lasts longer than expected
because the hearse is an hour late, African time! Once in the churchyard, I enjoy the
rhythmical singing and the cooperation. The grave is dug then and there. Usually they
do not have any gravestones, they are far too expensive. If there is one, mostly it is put
there years later and then they will give another party. The main thing is that everybody
gets a fantastic meal. Somebody takes us from the queue to join the special guests. After
eating a little bit of salad, I let somebody else have my chair. When we thank the family,
one of the deceased’s sisters takes me aside. Although she is very upset, she wants to
thank me personally for coming. I embrace her and when she asks me if I want to say
anything, I tell her that I love her and everybody present, and this is my message to the
whole community. ‘You are me, and I am you’. Both of us feel deeply moved and I
realise that she was certainly the reason for my presence at this place today!
Kate really does her best to make our last day as enjoyable as possible. She makes some
lovely salads and we dance on African music. Regrettably, there are so many unfamiliar
people around that I feel it has been enough for the moment. The time seems ripe for
the next step.
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GELUKSDAL
‘Denying death, is denying life itself’
Oema takes us to the airport where we will meet Sister Myriam. She has not arrived yet
so we have a cup of coffee while we wait for her. Oema would like to have some
breakfast. When she has nearly finished her plate, she discovers an imaginary
something in her salad. She calls the waiter and hands him the nearly finished plate.
Amusingly I am observing what happens, I can still learn something in this life. So this
is what you do when you do not want to pay the bill!
We discover that Sister Myriam is white, a white African. She takes us to ‘Geluksdal’
(‘Good Luck Valley’). The convent has just moved back after having been away for nine
years. Geluksdal is a coloured community near Johannesburg. So we have come from a
black community and are now in a coloured one. The atmosphere is totally different.
Where is the joy, where is the happiness? No, ‘Geluksdal’ does not live up to its name,
on the contrary. It is said that these people are too white to be black and too black to be
white. In other words, they do not belong anywhere and do not have any roots
whatsoever. After lunch, Giri and I go for a walk through the RDP (Reconstruction and
Development Programme) housing estate. There is an unpleasant atmosphere and
when some people invite us to sit in their garden, Giri is even threatened. A drunken
man plays cat and mouse with Giri’s hidden fears. I sit there and just watch without
getting involved, a new experience! The man is very clear; he is not interested in me.
Thanks to the only woman present, it turned out all right. We are a little bit more
careful after this experience. Later on, we are told that most of the people living up here
have been ‘banned’ from a place twenty-five kilometres away. The government declared
that area as a Muslim area. All non-Muslims had to leave, certainly not a good start for
unification.
The convent consists of two houses. One house provides accommodation for the nuns.
Myriam and Reina live in here permanently. The other nuns work elsewhere, but stay at
the motherhouse on a regular basis. Jolanda, who comes from America, is here
temporarily for a ‘sabbatical year’. The sisters allow us to stay in the other house. We
use our living room for courses, meetings and gatherings. Although the house feels
luxurious, I miss Kate’s warmth. After the evening meal I suddenly feel very strange. I
only just manage to ask to take me to bed before I nearly pass out...
It looks like a disturbance of my equilibrium! I had this seven years ago when I arrived
in Australia. If it had anything to do with the Southern Hemisphere, I would have felt it
as soon as I arrived here. Nothing could be further from the truth; I have been feeling
fantastic all this time. Slowly but surely, it begins to dawn on me. Here we are
completely surrounded by gold mines; they lay almost in our back garden. All the waste
is above the ground, including cyanide and other substances. Sixty percent of the young
people are HIV positive or have AIDS. The process I am experiencing in my body is
simply that I am becoming aware of the location of this place. I sleep nearly the whole
day.
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Living in the material dimension takes its toll
Life in the material dimension constantly takes its toll. The more we wake up and
enfold our inner life, the more we open up, and the more difficult it becomes to live in
the material dimension. However, as our insight into the mystery grows, our
willingness to accept the limitations and the challenge of the material dimension also
increase and we do not let ourselves be held back by it any more.
* Wednesday 1 March
Although I do not feel too good, I decide to accompany Myriam to the clinic in Tsakane.
Tsakane is the black community next to Geluksdal, which forms part of the sisters’ area
of work. On the way to the clinic, we meet Caroline. She is a well-built black woman,
one of the women who support Myriam. She has taken responsibility for providing food
for several families whose mothers have AIDS. Like so many others, she has too much
on her plate. In the clinic, we meet Sister Given, a wonderful woman who comes from
Mozambique. She does the work of a doctor, because there is no doctor. This is not an
exception; more or less it is the rule. This is why many medical students from abroad
get their work experience here. Many nurses work independently as doctors. This is the
opposite to Europe, where they are solely an extension of the specialists. However,
nurses and doctors are paid so badly that lots of them leave this country to work
abroad.
A period of transition
We are living in a period of transition, of breaking down and renewal. The old must
die first before the new can be born. This process takes place in ourselves and we see
this reflected in everything around us. The vibration of our planet is accelerating very
quickly. The earth as well as we, is being transformed into a multi-dimensional being.
Our hearts are opening up to make space for the second coming of the Christ or the
Buddha nature. We are on the path to become the temple ourselves.
Many people believe they are going to take off in space shuttles or like to exchange life
on this planet in another way for that other dimension, which is also called heaven. In
my opinion, it is possible in these days to make this transformation in total awareness
in the material dimension during our lifetime. Yes, while we are still in this body. We
create heaven within ourselves; we bring heaven onto the earth by increasing and
adjusting the vibration in our bodies. Anybody who is not capable of making this
change during this lifetime will make the transformation after death.
If we manage to create this increased vibration in our physical bodies, we become
immune to situations, which previously threatened our lives. Immunity is the key
word for this new age. This does not only concern physical immunity, we must also be
immune to situations, which could take away our strength. This means that we must
learn slowly but surely to transcend all earthly influences, which can make living in
the material dimension so immensely hard. This process is called resurrection and the
ingredients for doing this are forgiveness, respect and love.
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* Thursday 2 March
Sister Myriam asks me to lead the morning meditation in the house chapel. Sister Tsifa
is back from Zimbabwe. There are six of us at the meditation. After it has finished,
everybody is very grateful and enthusiastic. Reina wants to take us to the St. Francis
Care AIDS clinic. Although my body is still feeling extremely weak, I decide to go all the
same. On the way, Reina tells us that she has been fighting her fears for two years now
and that meeting me has brought about a crisis in her, which has resulted in a total
change. Although I have done nothing, this is wonderful news.
Becoming love
When we become this love ourselves more and more, every cell in our body becomes
inspired and our inner light starts to shine through more and more. People see it
people feel it. They experience the space enabling them to be themselves and
consequently they start vibrating, albeit unconsciously, to the same energy.
Ultimately, you do not have to teach another person anything, everybody ‘knows’.
Your ‘being’ only has to remind them to bring them in touch with their own true
reality. Words are no longer necessary. If you still feel the need to improve the world,
then you have not finished working on yourself yet.
St. Francis Care is lovely and is situated in Boksburg, which is twenty-five kilometres
from Geluksdal. The AIDS centre has two sections, one wing houses about twenty
babies and toddlers, mainly orphans who are infected with AIDS, and on the other side
there is a wing for twenty adults. We start our visit by going to see the babies. When I
have two seriously ill toddlers sitting on my lap, I have to do my utmost not to pass out
again, so I lay down myself with babies and all. The eighteen-month old babies do not
look any older than four months. There are also a few perfectly healthy children,
including Bongakonki. His name means ‘he who brings joy’. That is precisely what this
little toddler does. He is everybody’s darling. What an energy that little boy has, what a
love!
A fantastic symphony
Sister Fidelia, the wonderful matron, confirms what we had already noticed earlier.
Black children are much more physically active than white ones. However, if you give
these children a puzzle to do, they do not do too well compared to their white little
brothers and sisters. It is funny, the difference between the ‘thinking side’ of white
people and the ‘emotional side’ of black people. Two poles if you bring them together
they will perform a fantastic symphony. Who knows, this might happen in the future.
We certainly need both poles to become complete human beings.
I see heartbreaking situations in the adult wing. At the same time, the beauty of these
people amazes me. Especially the women are strong. They support each other in a
wonderful way. A touch here and a cuddle there, they are so open to receive the energy,
‘Thank you, I have listened to your hand, I have spoken to it.’ ‘I feel that you are
somebody who cares about me.’ ‘I feel so different.’
My heart overflows with joy. We have found our purpose for the moment. If my body
allows it, we will stay here for the time being.
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When we get home, Myriam is not feeling very well. Giri gives her a treatment. She is
completely receptive to it.
AIDS brings about transformations
AIDS has managed to do what the abolition of apartheid failed to do. AIDS brings
black and white together. Social class, status, colour and other differences disappear
when things like this happen. We choose to learn the hard way. AIDS brings about
transformations at soul level at a speed that would otherwise take thousands of years.
Yes, AIDS is the great healer that is what I saw today.
We watch several American videos they use in the AIDS Awareness Project. Their
solution is to postpone sex until after the wedding. Now it appears that even the
condom does not provide any protection. That is all very well. It is okay if people
control themselves and do not immediately succumb to every material desire, whether
this is sex, drugs, eating, drinking or television. On the other hand, what can you offer
them as an alternative in a world of hopelessness? Most Americans have a choice. It is
a slightly different matter when you are poor and unemployed.
Sex is essentially a form of expressing the soul’s deep desire for love and oneness.
When we learn to experience this oneness inside ourselves, we are able to transform
this powerful energy. Then saying ‘no’ becomes a lot easier and it has a different
significance when young people reach sexual maturity. First of all they need to work
on the basis; on self-respect and on self-worth.
* Friday 3 March
After morning meditation, we go back to the clinic. This time Jolanda comes with us.
First, we go to see the little ones. This combination of adults and children is fantastic
for the staff. When it gets too hard for them on the adult side, they can recover with the
little ones. We take care of the weak children and give them energy. I am feeling much
better now. This place is healing me. We drink tea and allow Sister Fidelia to let off
steam. Last night, somebody broke in for the second time running, which means, the
horrible fences and barbed wire will be put up here as well. It seems that it cannot be
otherwise in South Africa. I listen with an open heart and tell her how much I respect
her. Yes, even great people need a shoulder to cry on every now and again.
After that, we go and visit the adults. Graham is there with his very mutilated face. He
used to be an artist, but now he is nearly blind. Then we have the wonderful experience
of meeting Solomon. Solomon does not have long to live. I take his hand in mine; talk
to him about love, my love for him, God’s love for him. I take him with me on a
visualisation to the ocean of wholeness and immortality. He is deeply moved, and he
slips away into the sleep of oblivion full of gratitude.
Amongst the women, I discover that Selina is dying. Just like that, on the ward. Nobody
is with her, yet everybody senses what is happening, that is clear. This is how you live
and die in South Africa you are never alone. I take care of her. She is terribly short of
breath. Jolanda cannot stand it she has to leave. Death is so familiar to me, so much a
part of me. I have no fear and I am able to be fully present for her. I hope that Selina
can let herself go. I put my hands on her body and tell her a similar story, ‘Just
surrender, and let yourself float in the sea, on that beautiful wave. Relax, that wave is
God, he carries you and loves you. I love you’. She suddenly recovers for a moment and
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puts her arm around me. She looks at me with already empty eyes. Yet, I am sure that
she will no longer be there when I come back on Monday. The same goes for Lucie.
Actually, Lucie is already no longer here. Her concern for her five children is preventing
her from dying. I tell her that she must let go, that her children will be looked after.
Immense love
While looking at the little children doomed to die, I am certain that their souls have
chosen this incarnation to transform the world with their immense love. Although
these pure souls are imprisoned for a short period in their little, sick material bodies,
at the same time they are completely whole and fully alive in the unseen world.
We die from abundance. The people here die from not having enough. It is very hard
for Sister Fidelia to make choices about which child she will treat with the precious
medicines. It certainly makes this earthly life more honest. People are just souls with
finite bodies. In the West, people have turned into robots, and kept alive by all sorts of
experiments, until the body, the machine, cannot be repaired any more. Fear of death
drives specialists and people to perform inhuman acts. Fear of death is fear of life.
Fear of life robs people of the freedom to die. Although we can sometimes prolong life,
thank goodness we are not in a position to preserve it.
All these actions arise from ignorance and are more concerned about quantity of life,
rather than quality. On the other hand, the soul may choose to have an intense and
brief experience in the material dimension, knowing that in eternity time is of no
significance.
Fear results in separateness and apartheid. Fear puts up walls and barriers made of
barbed wire. Ultimately, fear, separateness and apartheid have caused AIDS. AIDS is
a problem for the whole of humanity. The only cure for all illness is unconditional
Love.
In the evening, I work with the sisters on healing their inner child. The child is our key
to wholeness. When we are able to connect with our inner child, we are connecting with
our heart energy and we make a bridge between thinking and feeling, between the male
and female within ourselves. The various exercises and meditations bring about
wonderful transformations. At the end of the session, we have become a group of happy
children playing with balloons. We handed out the rainbow eyes. By looking through
them at a source of light, you can see the most beautiful mandalas in all the colours of
the rainbow. Full of amazement we look at the candles and lights, which magically
create all kinds of different patterns. There is still some ice-cream left in the freezer!
* Saturday 4 March
It is yet another glorious day. We are waiting for a telephone call from Lonneke in
Magaliesburg. Some friends in New Zealand gave us her address and I have already
spoken to her on the phone. She runs a project together with her husband Ron and
their children for forty foster children in Magaliesburg. Today they go to a national park
and we are asked to join them. Ron will pick us up, but he is later than expected. We
drive at a dangerously high speed to Krugersdorp, while Ron tells us about his family
and the foster children. After the abolition of apartheid, the government withdrew its
subsidy for these projects. The result of this is that it is impossible to find the necessary
funding. Lonneke is already in Krügersdorp with the children. Once we are in the
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national park, we feel amazed by the variety of wildlife, including a rare rhinoceros with
young. A bit later, we find Lonneke’s truck. When it stops, four adults and twenty-four
black children of all sorts of shapes and sizes tumble out of the vehicle. It is time for
some cuddles! We have a picnic under a gigantic oak tree.
Liza, one of the twin daughters, sits amazed at my feet; she seems perplexed by my
powerful energy, as she puts it. She sees a complete circle of healers around me. She is
beautiful and her energy is open. Her sister, who is married to one of these wonderful
‘new’ black men, is more distant. Both parents have put their best into their bronze
coloured baby. After the picnic, after all the stories and after all the mischief, we are
taken home. A storm suddenly bursts and half of the motorway through Johannesburg
is blocked off because of flooding.
Auxiliary troops
After all the floods, the situation in Mozambique is terrible. Once again, there are
pictures on television of the Alexandra district in Johannesburg, where foreigners
live. The mud comes half way up in their slums, a pitiful sight!
Auxiliary troops have been deployed all over South Africa. A baby is born in a tree in
Mozambique and a South African helicopter rescues the mother and baby. Everybody,
however poor, wants to give to anybody who has even less than they have.
In the evening at the sisters-house, we talk about the reason of our ‘being’ at this place.
We wonder whether we can be useful to the community and how we can contribute.
Both Myriam and Reina think we certainly can. The problem is that all the projects are
still in their infancy. This means that there is no clear-cut task for us to fulfil. Myriam,
who teaches many young people in collaboration with Life Line, would like to integrate
my contribution into several workshops, the love, the warmth and the touching; the
real spiritual part, as she puts it. She would really like to be initiated into Reiki. For me
that time has gone for good. This was my agreement with the universe, which I do not
want to go back on. Who knows, an alternative might turn up.
It is a nuisance not having our own car. It means we are unable to drop in on the
various communities and cannot go to the clinic when we want to.
* Sunday 5 March
We go along with Reina to the church in Tsakane, a black community. We get seats at
the front as ‘guests of honour’. The choir sings beautifully. The mass lasts for over two
hours, nobody is bothered about this. I enjoy all the beautiful people and I am
captivated by a child of one of the women in the choir who explores everything
independently; the bell attracting the most interest. Moving from the safe place on
mothers back to the floor, from the floor to the breast, it all feels so natural.
No sense of shame
Women carry their children on their backs for long periods. They breastfeed their
baby's openly with no sense of shame in the church and on the street. A sense of shame
seems to be a ‘white’ affair!
I fantasise about what I would say if they asked me to speak.
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Drops in the ocean
We are here to share our love, our light, our joy and our hope with all of you. We are
here because we are all one, all sons and daughters of that one Source. We are all
drops in the ocean of love. The name of this ocean is God. I would like to thank you all
for allowing me to be here, for sharing your love, your light and your friendship. The
way in which you reflect love and light fills my heart with joy. It demonstrates your
true connection with the One, your true connection with the Source. Because God is
pure consciousness and expresses himself as pure joy and everybody who feels really
connected with Him emanates pure joy. This is what you are reflecting for me. Thank
you very much, I love you all.
We go straight home from the church. I miss the cheerful company, the walking and
just dropping in here and there, as happened with Kate. However beautiful the convent
is, as soon as I go through the gate I feel shut off from the world. In my opinion, most
white people radiate little warmth compared to their black brothers and sisters.
The neighbour’s children call round on a visit. Little Glen feels utterly miserable
because of all Myriam’s questions. When I see tears falling from his eyes, I cannot
control myself any longer and I sit him on my lap. What I had already seen , I can also
feel now, he has a serious lung infection. Undoubtedly his mother also has AIDS. I give
him energy and he snuggles up to me. He recovers quickly and when he goes and sits at
the piano with Johanneke and discovers what happens when he presses the keys, he
does not want to go home at all.
We call in on Helen in her little RDP house measuring six by four metres. According to
Myriam, she has full-blown AIDS. She is thirty-four and has two daughters, the oldest
who is seventeen already has a two-month old baby. Helen lost her last baby a year ago,
she is expecting her next child one of these days. She is exhausted, so I give her a
treatment and put her to bed. She surrenders herself totally. Isn’t she beautiful? I am
curious about her relationship with her mother. She evades my questions.
A course in duality
When the spirit chooses to be born in the human form, consequently it chooses a
course in separateness with duality. Insight is the key to transcending this duality.
Every situation we experience as alienating and outside ourselves reflects what we do
not want to recognise in ourselves.
* Monday 6 March
It is a year ago that I started the light process. This process has brought me many
blessings. My physical well being and my energy have changed totally. I will have to
wait and see how it develops in the future. It is a tremendous gift to know that I no
longer depend on material food. The impossible becomes possible as soon as we change
our convictions.
Mastery
Every apparent limitation is the key to something new. It can be a challenge to
transcend the limitation. If this turns out to be impossible, the challenge, which is
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enclosed, is to explore the space and to extend your limits within the limitation. A
small back garden becomes a boundless paradise if you dare to be the centre, instead
of forming the border of it.
I slept deeply last night and dreamt about writing new books. Not just one, several!
We start the new day by dancing to different rhythms associated with the various
elements such as earth, water, fire, light and ether. It is lovely to greet the day in this
way; it makes the energy flow very well. I notice that Reina is starting to irritate me
with her insatiable hunger for affirmation. I have nurtured enough children by now!
On the way to the clinic, we go past a second-hand car garage and suddenly I have a
very clear impulse, we are going to buy a car. And so we did. It is a twelve-year old
Volkswagen Jetta with a trade-in guarantee. I feel safe, and I have a good feeling about
it. There is a motor vehicle test sticker on the windscreen that is valid until the end of
the year. That is just perfect!
Lucie and Selina have passed away. I had not expected otherwise.
Baby Brilliant amazes me. He is much better than the first day I saw him. His heart is
beating normally and that continues. We have a cup of tea with Sister Fidelia. Without
her love, it would not be the same. She is the Mother Teresa of this place; under her
wings, everything takes shape.
I spend a lot of time with the women. Some of them have a hard time knowing that one
of them will be the next one to die.
The strange feeling in my head goes away after we have celebrated buying our car. I
realise that all sorts of wild plans are going round in my head. Plans about all kinds of
lectures and workshops, but they just have to wait until we get back. First, we are going
to see a bit more of South Africa.
In the evening, we meet Carolina in Tsakane. The women have invited me to talk about
healing. Carolina has trouble with her back and her legs. Many older black women are
‘heavily built’. This puts a strain on their bodies. I give Carolina a treatment. The room
starts to fill up and within a short while, about twenty-five women, black women, have
come in. They start singing gospel songs and dancing. Although I do not understand
Zulu, I join in with the singing and clapping with all of my heart. After all, it is in my
nature! Pat, one of the women, leads the prayers.
Inspiration
If we had women like this on the pulpits at home, the churches would fill up
immediately. This is pure inspiration!
I understand that she is talking about hope and faith. Other women follow. Everybody
encourages and supports each other. This feels very different to what we Westerners do.
Instead of encouraging each other, we seem to constantly dig the ground from under
each other’s feet. The women asked if I would like to speak. I talk about faith, about
hope, about strength, about love and healing. I say how grateful I am that they allowed
me to be here. How much I am enjoying this occasion and how much I love them. They
are radiant. Pat is a source of inspiration. She is undoubtedly a lucid mouthpiece. After
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I have spoken, it is time for some personal expression. Everybody talks, screams, cries
and prays in their own way. This is fantastic, this is absolutely tremendous. No therapy
is required here. No psychiatrist, no regional institute for mental welfare as we have in
the Netherlands could improve this. These women are their own therapists and know
intuitively what is important to be able to cope with in life. Everything they work out
immediately, nobody feels inhibited in any way. What a gift! When it has all finished, I
am kissed and embraced by many and Pat thinks I am a gift from heaven.
Mirrors
Realising that everybody and everything are part of us can be a shocking experience
at first. This feeling is the result of the separation we have experienced inside from the
moment we left our heavenly state and came down into the material world of
oblivion. The more we are able to use our surroundings as mirrors in which we
recognise and refine ourselves, the more we will recognise and accept our original
state. The veils between the visible and invisible reality dissolve slowly but surely and
eventually we are able to embrace everything and everybody as a part of ourselves.
Then we will see the beauty, the richness and the harmony of the totality of our
Creator in everything and everybody around us.
A violent thunderstorm breaks out on the way back home. We have to wade through the
grass. I do not care at all. My heart is singing. We look at our neighbour. He cannot get
out of his car because of the flooding. Easily he swings himself up onto the roof and gets
over to the other side where it is drier. Life is so simple here.
* Tuesday 7 March
We go back and collect our car. The kilometre indicator does not work and we have to
get it repaired before continuing our journey. We leave the car at the garage, walk to the
shopping centre through a field of flowers, and pick up some travel-information. What
a fantastic service! The willingness to help is generally very good here. By then, our car
is ready and we drive to Francis Care. I nearly cause an accident when turning off. It
takes a bit before I get used to driving on the left and looking to the right! We go to the
adult ward straight away. Viola tells me her story and Margret from Zimbabwe is next.
She has not seen her family for five months. She came to Johannesburg to earn money
for her family. Who will take care of them now? They never worry about themselves, it
is always others they worry about; it is very poignant. There is a new woman on the
ward. The nursing staff asks me if I would spend some time with her. However,
something is happening in her eyes, she feels still closed off. Then the woman in the
next bed, Sophia gets a bit obstinate. She has packed her things and wants to go home.
All the nursing staff starts to interfere. They try to persuade her how good it is for her to
be in this place. That might be true, but she starts to scream even louder. I ask
permission to try out something with her. Two minutes later, she is completely quiet. I
fully understand that she is angry and allow her to be like that. Then I ask her what she
wants. ‘Going home, of course.’ This is not possible but we could go for a walk together
in the lovely garden. I take her hand and we walk into the garden passing the staff
members who watch us with amazement. I speak to her in my best Afrikaans, and we
share about the birds and the plants. Together on our knees, just like sisters, we smell
the flowers and enjoy their wonderful colours. It is only by now that I see her hidden
beauty.
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For the first time we drive home in our ‘own’ car. It is more than twenty-five kilometres
and the road is very busy, but everything goes well. It has been a tough day, but after a
shower I feel a bit better.
* Wednesday 8 March
I put my message for the people back home in Holland on a floppy disk. We go to the
Internet café to send some emails. I am not allowed to use my floppy disk, so I have to
start typing the message all over again. I am flowing unbelievably well from the heart.
Then when I want to send the message, I lose it.... It is difficult to start all over again,
but I manage. I get disconnected for the second time and I give it up. Whew, this makes
my head feel very strange! Let us go off to the clinic. It is wonderful being here with the
children. It is pure ‘being’ and enjoyment for all of us. They give us energy. After that,
we go and spend some time with the adults. Freda is in a great deal of pain. She feels
completely on her own and is doggedly working on her needlework. It is painful to
watch. I stay with her and try to relieve her as much as possible. It is at these moments
that I would really like to be God. Being confronted with death is not such a problem
but it is the suffering that goes with it I find hardly to bear. Why o why does it have to
be like this? It takes a while before she eventually becomes more peaceful and slips
away. Thank God!
The ego
Pain deflates the ego in a natural way and forces us to surrender totally; yes it
literally forces us onto our knees. In the end, we give up all resistance and bow down
in all humility to the Highest, to our own inner truth.
* Thursday 9 March
We are going to send our e-mail at Father Patrick’s. We are greeted warmly by Patrick
and Myra, his housekeeper. We talk about the coming of the Christ in the new
millennium and what this will mean for South Africa. We talk about AIDS and about
love. At first, Patrick is rather sceptical but eventually he listens with an open heart and
even invites me to come and to talk in his churches. I say wholeheartedly yes.
Myriam is not there when we get home. We talk to Reina and Jolanda about energy and
how the energy of the gold mines affects us. They both recognise this and Reina
particularly feels relieved. She is now more able to disentangle her feelings. Giri reacts
to the energy by being irritable. My body reacts vehemently and this is the reason why
we plan to have a break.
Uprisings
Tsakane was the seat of the uprisings and violence in the nineteen seventies and
eighties. In this period, they tried for example to pull down the hostels. These hostels
functioned as inhuman storages where the men stayed who came to work in the cities.
This whole process repeated itself several years ago. At this moment, Tsakane feels
like the lightest place of the three suburbs: Brakpan, Geluksdal and Tsakane. Later on
when I get to see the slums of Langaville, the poorest residential area, I shall
acknowledge that it feels even lighter there. The poorer people are in the material
sense, the happier the spirit seems to be.
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On the last day of the AIDS Awareness course, I was invited to lead a healing circle. I
work for more than an hour with about thirty-five young black people who I have never
met before and challenge them to show the best of themselves. When in my opinion
they act a bit shyly, I step into the middle of the circle and show them how to do it. They
follow with great openness, with amazing trust and a total surrender. ‘Wow, can’t you
come back. This makes me feel so peaceful.’ Giri and I along with Nico and Patrick, give
individual treatments, called faith healing. I do this my own way and even Father
Patrick and Nico, the course-leader, want to sit on my chair. Back in the circle, we are
singing and moving to the rhythmical sounds of some gospel songs. Nico feels
impressed. He would like to learn from me.
Sadness
I see so much sadness in Father Patrick. I wonder how he can talk about God and
wants to be an example to the people, while he feels so torn apart and separated.
Believing in God is one thing. ‘Living’ in God is a different matter. The characteristics
of this are total connection and pure joy.
We call in on Immanuel. He has full-blown AIDS and is seriously ill. The glow has
already gone from his face. When white people are ill, they go grey, black people lose
their glow and become dull. I give Immanuel a simple treatment and put him to bed
with Giri’s help. He falls asleep immediately, the sleep of enlightenment! He will be no
more when we go back home. Thank heavens there are so many loving people around
him, who will look after him as if it is the most normal thing in the world. This is how it
still is in the black and coloured communities. It is the most natural thing in the world
to stand by your family, your neighbours and so on.
Now I am still here, I would like to experience sometime new. The five of us are going to
the casino this evening, a phenomenon shooting up like mushrooms at present. I have
the feeling that it would not be such a crazy idea to get the money needed for the aidsprojects directly from there. After experiencing the atmosphere I realise this will have
to wait a while. We will get the money needed in another way. This is not my kind of
place at the moment. However, if necessary, I am willing to make use of it and that is
new to me.
* Friday 10 March
Myriam has decided that I will give a course for the support group. I put some ideas
down on paper, which she can work on while we are away.
It is our last ‘trip’ to the clinic for the time being. It amazes me, how quickly the
children react and the adults too, nothing seems to escape them.
Bringer of joy
Bongakonki jumps onto my neck out of nowhere. He is nearly two, and everybody’s
star. His name means ‘bringer of joy’. He certainly does credit to his name. What
liveliness, what adaptation and unselfishness. He is always there were he needed at
the right time. He is a loveable little monkey who seems to be everywhere all at the
same time and brings comfort where comfort is needed. He is a dear angel who has
chosen to be helpful and has incarnated in the limited body of a child.
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The car starts to overheat on the way back home. We go back to Boksburg after it has
cooled down. We are lucky! Just as I am pulling up at the garage, the hose bursts.
Although it is nearly closing time, they work on the car until it is repaired.
In the evening, Sister Leila drops in. Although I am tired, I feel much better in her
presence. She is a warm and inspiring woman who has set up a fantastic creative
project for and with women in Pietersmaritzburg. She is enchanted by Nieu Bethesda
and is sure we will be too. We will find that out tomorrow.
Tired but grateful for all the good care and the protection we have been given by our
angels, we go to sleep. We have to get up very early tomorrow.
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TRAVELLING
‘Love is the perfect protection against all negative influences.
* Saturday 11 March
We get up at four and we drive off while it is still pitch black. We have our first stop just
past Bloemfontein around nine o’clock, by then we have already travelled five hundred
kilometres. The landscape is empty, flat, monotonous and uninteresting all the way to
Colesberg. So we have to be careful not to fall asleep. Colesberg is quite charming with a
dear little church and a very good coffee bar. The road is getting more primitive and the
landscape becomes interesting and hillier. Stupid! We did not fill up with petrol in
Colesberg! Hopefully we make it to Nieu Bethesda where we will surely find a petrol
station. The roads over the last thirty-five kilometres have been dirt tracks. The
landscape is getting more and more interesting and desolate with a range of mountains.
We leave the world behind us; we are in the heart of the Karoo. After the umpteenth
bend, we see, like a kind of Fata Morgana, Nieu Bethesda. There is a petrol pump in the
main street of the village, unfortunately it is no longer in use. It is still another ten
kilometres to Peer and Anna’s farm, and according to the villagers on the street, they
will certainly have petrol ‘in stock’.
Peer and Anna give us a warm welcome. They are the fifth generation of white people to
live on this enormous estate, which covers more than sixteen thousand hectares. We get
a whole 1920’s colonial house at our disposal. The grapes are ripe and we immediately
start a ‘grape diet’. I am exhausted; my back has been playing up for several days. I
must get some sleep.
* Sunday 12 March
We get up at nine o’clock. I feel exhausted. There is no electricity today. Peer fetches a
canister of gas so we can make some tea, the healthy South African ‘rooibos’ (red bush)
tea. We go for a walk up to the mountain along sheep tracks. I love this arid landscape,
which is completely green after all the rain and covered with a profusion of flowering
plants. After eleven years of drought, the farmers are grateful for the rain. Nearly all the
farms have disappeared now; most of them are taken over by foreigners. Not everybody
is happy about this.
There is an absolute silence in this area. The only sounds we can hear are those of the
crickets and the birds. We enjoy the quietness, the beauty of nature, the lovely starry
sky and the luxury of being outside. We do not need anything else and the car stays in
the garage.
* Monday 13 March
We go off into the village and visit the Owl House and Camel Garden owned by Helen
Martin, a woman who expressed her heart’s desire by creating her own ‘Mecca’. It is
amazing to find all the holy places of the world in here. She used ground glass to create
this. Her statues are facing to the east. People either think Helen is ‘crazy’ or she is a
real artist. This is the way, we usually judge people who are gifted, because the average
person cannot understand this. We have a good talk with Eddy, the owner of the coffee
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bar. In his opinion, black people are lazy, yet he still listens openly and with interest to
my experiences. According to him, I have given him some new insights to think about.
Tired and dusty we come home. The swimming pool is too cold to go for a swim, so we
have a shower. After that, we feel energised and go for an evening walk. It is magical
listening to the beautiful sound of the birds, seeing martens, many different types of
grasshoppers and lots of other small wildlife. Back home, while I am trying to write in
my diary, a few bats are flying around my head.
Security systems
Everything is open. The doors are never locked and there are no fences, no high walls,
and no barbed wire or security systems up here. Can this be the same South Africa?
* Tuesday 14 March
I had another bad night and feel exhausted. I just start to think that the feather bed is
not having a good effect on me. We drive to the Kompas Berg (compass mountain). We
want to see how far up we can climb. Although it has been raining this morning, it
clears up just as we start walking up the track. I start feeling better and better the
further I walk. We see red hartebeests and butterflies. While we are lying on our backs
having a rest, eagles are circling in the sky, just above our heads. What a gift! There is
absolutely nothing else apart from the wind, the sun and the clouds which the sun
intermittently hides behind. There is a moment when I feel I will make it easily.
However, just below the top I decide I have had enough. I do not have to prove
anything anymore. When we get down to the bottom of the mountain, a tremendous
thunderstorm suddenly burst out. The claps of thunder are so loud that we cringe. We
have our plastic capes from Peru with us but we are still soaked within five minutes.
The thunderstorm stops just as suddenly as it started. Thank goodness, we were not at
the top. That could have been fatal in an area without trees.
Personal possession
Even the powerful and holy Kompas Berg is a personal ‘possession’. You have to pay
to be able to climb it. How on earth can you possess the mountains and the land? It is
time that we learn to see ourselves as good guardians who are allowed to look after
the land, the animals and everything we have on loan in the knowledge that it has
been entrusted to us but that it will never belong to us.
Once back home and after a hot shower, we decide to go out again to explore Graaff
Reinet. On the way to this lovely village, we stop to take a group of ‘little rascals’ along
with us. Just, at that same moment herds of red hartebeests are crossing the road.
‘Look boys, this is all your fault!’ Believe me, this is pure joy!
Since Graaff Reinet is quite a considerable distance away, we decide to drive home for
the night and to exchange tomorrow morning our lovely place at the countryside for
this attractive village.
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* Wednesday 15 March
When I get up exhausted again, I know for sure that the bed is terrible for my body, and
in spite of all the luxury, it is time to leave. We say goodbye to Peer and Anna, go for a
last walk through their wonderful gardens and admire the ‘Dorenbosch’ family
cemetery. We look surprisingly at the complex pattern of a web spun by a large and rare
spider. Little miracles time and time again.
The face of the Creator
How wonderful nature is. Where else could you find such a perfect reflection of the
beauty of the Creator? It feels very obvious to me that the sun represents the face of
the Creator for many people. How perfect is the ‘image’ of nature compared to many
other images. Our Creator shows his face in each manifestation. Everything we
observe outside ourselves is a reflection of the whole Universe, which everybody
carries inside himself or herself in miniature. Everything is inspired; there is no dead
matter. When we realise this, we will treat nature with love and respect and will no
longer exhaust the earth and use the plants and the animals for our own egotistical
purposes. Believe me, if we were to take the trouble just once to look really at nature,
with the inner eyes of our soul, in other words with an open heart, we would never
say that the Creator does not exist, simply we have made the transition from
ignorantly beings till those who ‘know’.
In Graaff Reinet Freda, the mother of Peer and Anna welcomes us with an open heart
and a pot of tea. She describes this place as the bridge between Cape Town and
Johannesburg. Since she was cured of cancer, she sees herself as a bridge between the
black, coloured and white communities. The nearer we get to Cape Town, the more the
coloured communities will replace the black ones.
We stroll through the pleasant town with streets full of dark-skinned people from the
neighbouring townships. This is the first time we see street children with hunger and
desolation in their eyes. The unemployment at the countryside is higher than the
national average.
The food problem
Sheep and cows destroy the natural vegetation, which contains sufficient proteins for
the indigenous wildlife. Since these animals hardly need any water to survive in an
area where water is in very short supply, it is being studied whether it would be
possible for them to be a solution to the food problem instead of just being an
attraction for hunters. A pleasant additional consequence would be the natural
restoration and preservation of the natural environment. A not so nice side effect to
this is the loss of valuable jobs in an area where unemployment is already so
alarmingly high.
After watching the sunset on the wildlife trail, we relax in our luxurious living room and
go to our lovely bed early.
* Thursday 16 March
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I had a fantastic and painless night’s sleep! A married couple from Pretoria is having
breakfast in the cosy kitchen. ‘Pretoria, that’s where we started our trip’, I tell them
enthusiastically. ‘Really, where then?’ ‘In Mamelodi’. The woman looks at me full of
disbelief and amazement. ‘Where did you say?’ ‘Mamelodi and it was the best start we
could have wished for!’ She immediately loses all interest in us.
It is still early when we arrive at the ‘Valley of Desolation’. This is exactly our kind of
place. In the intense quietness, we watch how the mountains gradually reveal
themselves to us as they emerge from the fog, pure magic. The beauty of the landscape
is impressive. We see many different types of wild animals, both small and large, during
our breathtaking walk through the constantly changing landscape. In the afternoon, we
pack up our things and go to meet an acquaintance in Murrayburg before she leaves for
Cape Town.
First, we have another cup of coffee in the cosy coffee bar where the service is
exceptionally good. The waitress has written the following note at the bottom of the bill,
‘Thank you very much for your custom, Rosalyn’. I am unable to leave it like that and I
write something nice back.
We also have a look round the Reinet house. The rain starts pouring down as soon as
we are inside and I realise how lucky we have been this morning. At first, I enjoy the
museum. Once in the basement, I start feeling miserable. I just have to get outside to
feel better immediately. We take the car to the garage to fix several little things; we are
not allowed to pay anything for it. This is also South Africa. I buy some bread, milk,
cornmeal and paraffin for Lisette and her five children.
Paraffin poisoning
Many settlements still do not have any water, electricity or toilets, even though the
government is working hard to change this. People use paraffin to cook on. This
means that many children suffer from paraffin poisoning.
The police is stopping us. Did we know that we are driving in an illegal car? I
immediately burst out laughing. The sticker, which I thought was for the motor vehicle
test has a different registration number than our car. Not to worry, the policeman
laughs with us. This car could be a real nuisance were it not that it had provided us with
so many friends!
On the way to Murrayburg, we stop at the wildlife park. Because of all the rain, the
track is impassable. We try it on foot, a slippery challenge. The reward is a lone male elk
watching us from a distance, breathtaking!
Around half past five, we arrive at a guesthouse run by the beautiful Elma. While I am
having a hot bath, Veronica arrives. Veronica, who is born in the Netherlands, has been
in South Africa for almost twenty years. She has been indoctrinated by the security
police for years and even had to flee the place where she lived. Now she lives on her
own in a small apartment in Cape Town. t is too dangerous to go out in the evenings
and she never gives hitchhikers a lift, however sorry she feels for them. Even if you
survive, you will certainly lose everything. Just get into the car, lock all the windows
and do not stop ever, not even for the police because they might even not be the real
ones. Anyhow, Veronica does not want to go back to the Netherlands. She has already
decided to go to bed early. Tomorrow morning she wants to leave on time.
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Fulfillment
By holding on to old ideas and structures, you run the risk of missing out the
opportunity to fill yourself with new energy.
Our hostess Elma feels not sleepy at all and we spend a few wonderful spiritual hours.
We share about meditation, about prayer and perception of faith. It just flows between
us without any problem. What a gift.
* Friday 17 March
What a gift to be awakened by an angel like Elma who is serving rooibos tea and
crackers. Giri and I do our daily meditation, we wave goodbye to Veronica and look at
the lovely house, which is up for sale for only twenty-five thousand euros. There is no
tourism here and the unemployment is more than eighty percent. Although she will not
put up with any nonsense, Elma is good and openhearted to the black and coloured
people. She is one of those intrinsically ‘healed’ white South Africans who I take into my
heart immediately. They are able to make a connection with the outside world because
they have made the connection with their inner selves. Fondly we say goodbye, as if we
have known each other for years.
Nearly immediately after Giri and I leave, we have a serious confrontation in the car.
We decide to stop at a place with the name ‘De Rust’. Sitting in the tea garden, I notice
how awkward young South African men are, compared with their female and black
counterparts. Later on, when we are filling up the tank with petrol, we have a downright
disaster; Giri put lead-free petrol in our car. The white manager and his black business
partner, work for an hour to put the mistake right. They do not charge us anything;
according to them, an accident can happen to anybody. Yet, I am absolutely furious!
The macho behaviour in South Africa triggers something off in Giri. This is most
certainly a new layer of letting go and healing. It is just that I do not feel any sympathy
for this at the present moment. We come back with our feet on the ground and start all
over with an open agenda. Every moment can be the start of a new day.
In this sense, South Africa really is the country of the truth. Everything that is
suppressed comes to the surface relentlessly.
The motorway is getting more interesting with breathtaking mountain passes and the
beautiful Meijerspoort (Meijers Gateway) route. Released and feeling open again, I
enjoy everything to the full. In the evening, we arrive in Swellendam, the third oldest
town in South Africa. We find a nice guesthouse for the night.
* Saturday 18 March
We look around in Swellendam in the early morning. This is a magnificent place, less
dry, relatively close to the sea and near Cape Town. We decide to go to Montagu via
Bonnievale and Happy Valley. The streets are packed with black people who are
dropped off in the village by their bosses to do their shopping. This presents a colourful
and lively street scene. We get a fantastic tour through the village and the surrounding
area and gain more insights into the various backgrounds. The already shaky economy
collapsed completely last year and the population, and this applies to the whites to a
larger extend too, had to find ways to keep their heads above water. Later on, we drive
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to Robertson. Straight away, this non-touristy place feels very nice. We find a room at
Leo’s guesthouse.
Profiteers
A Dutch married couple is sitting on the doorstep. They offer us a glass of wine. A little
voice inside me whispers a clear ‘no’. This is not only because we do not drink alcohol.
For once, I ignore this little voice and accept the offer. They are ‘real tourists’ and all
too soon, they are giving their blunt opinion about black people. They think blacks are
unwilling to make any contact with white people, but derive benefit under their flag. I
feel as if all my cells are freezing up. I do not feel like having this type of discussion. In
my opinion, there are good and bad white people and good and bad black people. I
am going to have a shower. ‘Good night!’ A bit later, while showering myself, I scream
and cry out a deep pain for all the suffering and lack of understanding in this world.
Clean and warm I come out of the shower. I cleansed myself a bit more and forgive
the couple their ‘ignorance’. Later on, sitting outside in the lovely quietness of the
peaceful tropical garden, Giri and I enjoy our fruit salad.
Judgements and mistakes arise from ignorance. Those who know do not judge. When
you realise this, it is not so difficult to forgive.
* Sunday 19 March
We get up, do our meditation and go into the lovely tropical garden. At nine o’clock,
Ivan, an estate agent, arrives and shows us around a few properties. He is a lovely white
South African. We openly discuss about African men and their trouble breaking with
the old macho patterns. Ivan is also part of the AIDS project. There is a great desire to
support each other amongst the various groups, yet it seems as if they are unable to find
the bridge! Each group only can see their own part in the great scene called ‘life’.
Attention
Earning money is not the most important thing here. Personal contacts and looking
after the family are the main things. According to Ivan, they learnt these
characteristics from black people. Attention and helpfulness you will find everywhere.
There is a lot of heart energy in South Africa.
At about eleven o’clock, we drive on to Stellenbosch. Once away from Robertson,
buying our own house seems just as far away as it did three weeks ago.
It is here in Stellenbosch that I get the feeling that we are on the tourist route. However
beautiful the place may be, it feels totally unreal to me. This little town is very popular
and many foreigners settle here. The atmospheres in the town and all the expensive
shop windows have an alienating effect on me and once again I feel that I do not seem
to belong to this world any more. I feel more and more like a spectator. All those
‘possessions’ do not appeal to me.
I feel alienated from Giri. In the evening, we go for a walk and end up in a fish
restaurant, where I eat a salad and Giri a real fish dish. It appears to do him good. We
feel connected again and decide to travel to Cape Town tomorrow.
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* Monday 20 March
We get up early and after the morning meditation, we go into Stellenbosch. This time
there is a pleasant liveliness on the streets of black and coloured people, who are on
their way to work on foot or by car. This image feels more real.
It is about half past ten when we drive into Cape Town. We stop at the Blue Mountain
beach for a walk and have a splendid view of the Table Mountain. We decide to check
into the first guesthouse we find. Immediately it feels good and we are completely at
home at ‘Dolphin Lodge’
We go off to the city centre. Just like all large city centres, this centre lost its charm
after the end of the apartheid. Hotels, offices and banks have moved into the suburbs
and the centre has become run down. I enjoy watching a black man playing the guitar
and I realise that I miss these activities, the music and the dance. Most of the street
vendors appear to be apathetic. When Giri is getting some money out of the bank, I see
a little boy playing with a tin can. I set myself on the floor and we immediately become
one in our game. I give him a cuddle and a rainbow eye. I feel happy and grateful when
I once again know that I can be myself wherever I am.
Finding myself again
I had lost myself for a while. This innocent child brought me back. Everywhere I can
enjoy, as long as I stay faithful to myself. I am here now; so let me choose to be fully
present and to embrace everything there is without complaining. After all, each
experience is equally valuable.
Yes, I feel safe. That evening we go down to the sea. We enjoy a beautiful sunset above
the Table Mountain and Robben Island. Later we play games on the terrace of our
guesthouse. What more could a person ask for?
* Tuesday 21 March
Human Rights day. This started on 21 March 1960 after Robert Sobukwe incited the
black and coloured masses to refuse to carry identity passes. Sixty-nine people were
killed and a hundred and eighty were wounded. This very inspired PAC leader had to
serve life imprisonment in solitary confinement on Robben Island.
After going for an early walk along the beach, we head towards Waterfront. Since it is a
public holiday today, we can only get the boat to Robben Island after two o’clock this
afternoon. In the meantime, we enjoy the liveliness of this part of the city and watch the
games the seals are playing together in the harbour. We look for a place on a pleasant
Italian terrace. Sitting there, we fall under the spell of a performance given by a
wonderful black man who has his audience completely spellbound by imitating people
without them being aware he is doing so. His performance is totally natural and
splendid in all respects. When he pulls my leg I tell him this and throw some money
into his box.
A fantastic guide gives us a tour round Robben Island. He explains that nearly all
nations in the world have a bit of history here in South Africa. After having seen Robert
Sobukwe’s solitary little house and the outside workshop, we arrive at the prison. We
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meet a lovely black woman who was imprisoned here for seven years and was even not
allowed to be visited by her own children all that time. This is the only thing which still
hurts her. We visit Nelson Mandela’s cell. Within one hour, I feel as if I have aged
twenty years.
Hard-hearted measures
Women were imprisoned on the mainland and children under the age of eighteen
were not allowed to visit their own parents. What a loveless rule!
Although it is never spoken about, there were of course also whites who chose the side
of the black and coloured people and fought side by side against the policy of
apartheid. Also the white people’s prisons were to be found on the mainland.
We leave our lovely spot on Blue Mountain beach and take the coast route with its
wonderful mountain passes and the splendid views, also over Somerset West. Outside
Steenbras, we see the slums and I ask Giri to stop so I can take a photograph. While
taking the photograph, I see a lovely pregnant woman looking at me. I wave at her, put
our picnic into a plastic bag, clear a path through all the rubbish and climb under the
barbed wire. We enjoy and cuddle each other, although we do not understand each
other’s language. She shows gratitude for the food. She is completely openhearted,
unspoiled and very beautiful.
As we drive on, several people are waving us goodbye. My heart overflows with pure joy
and gratefulness. This is what I am; this is what I want to be.
After driving through all sorts of charming places, we arrive at the coastal town of
Hermanus. Although it is not the whale-season, it is very touristy here. We decide not
to stay overnight, and we drive off to a more peaceful place, which we find not too far
away. We find a lovely room with a sea-view and we are able to enjoy our beach-walk in
peace and quiet.
* Thursday 23 March
I slept badly. Here it is much warmer at night and we forgot to put on the fan. When we
thought of switching it on, we both fall asleep immediately. That puts pay to an early
walk on the beach! Instead of that, we go directly off to Swellendam. After a bowl of
lovingly homemade soup, we explore the small town. In the evening we sit contentedly
on our own terrace enjoying the magnificent starry sky.
Luxury, abundance and beauty
Giri is feeling well again and is nice and relaxed. South Africa from a tourists’ point of
view is a totally different South Africa, we totally agree. However every situation
provides those lessons we need to learn. In the meantime, we fully enjoy our freedom,
the beauty and the space.
If we had not experienced the other side, we would certainly have believed that South
Africa is a country without any problems, where for little money you can wallow in
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luxury, abundance and beauty. And also the latter is true.
* Friday 24 March
We take an alternative route to Knyshna and walk along the ‘sleeping beauty’ trail.
What an amazing diversity of plants this dry steppe landscape supports. Unfortunately,
we are soon unable to follow the trail any further because it is too wet. Halfway along
the route, we see a sign, ‘weg gesluit’ (road closed). This could be quite exciting. After a
brief discussion, we decide to drive on. The road closure eventually turns out to be
because of the bridge. In spite of the water, we reach safely the other side. Here we pick
up a hitchhiker and perhaps this is the only reason we took this difficult road. I buy
some food for Marjorie in the local ‘supermarket’. She is grateful and pleased as punch.
Knyshna is certainly very beautiful yet it is extremely touristy, not at all a place that
attracts us. We have, however, been given the address of a spiritual couple who we
would like to meet. Because the telephone connections are not operating, we are unable
to contact them and we decide to stay overnight in Knyshna.
* Saturday 25 March
Because the people we like to contact have an organic food shop, we set off early in the
morning to catch them before they leave for work. It is pouring of rain by the time we
ring the doorbell of their lovely villa at half passed seven in the morning. The startled
host leaves us standing on the doorstep. He apologises by saying that they have not
finished eating their breakfast yet and they still have to get dressed. Anyhow, his wife
will meet us later on in the shop. I am shocked, what a warm Dutch hospitality!
The foul weather continues. We have to forget about going for a walk in this beautiful
area. It is a great pity! We drive towards Port Elisabeth, and take the exit to the ‘De
Vasselot’ nature reserve. We find a simple and affordable accommodation and after all
we decide to go for a walk. However, our raincoats seem not to be up to the job. So we
choose for a day of fun and playing games and as compensation we go out and eat some
salads in the only local restaurant.
* Sunday 26 March
It is not raining and we start out on a spectacular trail along the beach, over rocks and
through a wooded area. Totally recharged, we drive to Storm River and walk along the
tourist ‘rope bridge route’ before it gets dark. This bridge is a popular place to commit
suicide. If you jump off this bridge, you can be sure that you are not going to survive.
We decide to stay for the night, far away from everything on the magnificent rocky
coast. That evening on our own terrace and in absolute silence, we enjoy the crashing of
the waves, the lovely sunset and the breath-taking starry sky.
* Monday 27 March
Last night, I dreamt about a new way of initiation, which had nothing to do with the
traditional ones.
How nice, to wake up with the sun in your eyes and the sound of the sea in your ears.
What more could you wish for?
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Sitting on our little terrace, we enjoy this unique place and the wonderful view. Later
on, we walk part of the Otter Trail. It is a spectacular one, along the fascinating rocky
coast with its rough breakwaters, not for beginners and certainly not for cowards!
We see a helicopter, and two people are sitting in the doorway. No, I would never dare
to do that, it seems too risky for me. Later on, we hear that they were looking for the
bodies of nine people who had drowned while water rafting.
We feel quite sad when we have to continue our journey to Port Elisabeth. We stop in
Humansdorp to do some shopping and have some coffee. The florist is also the only
coffee bar. It is a lovely place and we have a nice conversation with Agnes. When she
hears that we have been in Mamelodi and are now living in Geluksdal, she is extremely
shocked and says that we are playing with our lives. Immediately you can see her
energy changing. How is this possible!
Projections
How difficult it is to see the reality behind all the veils of illusions, which we have
projected ourselves. Are we brave enough to let go of all the false images, which on the
one hand we have taken over by tradition and on the other hand have created
ourselves, and to meet one another without judging, open-minded and without fear?
Or do we feel safer if we stay within the limits of our self-created prison?
We find out that everywhere is fully booked in Port Elisabeth because of the holiday.
However, with some help we find a fantastic place. I make a delicious salad in our own
mini kitchen and it feels great. In the evening, we sit outside on our terrace under the
clear starry sky and enjoy the peace and the stillness. Although we are enclosed in
between walls and security systems, because of the space and the atmosphere it is not
uncomfortable.
* Tuesday 28 March
After a restless night, we get up early. It is raining, and so we drive into the centre. This
place feels more hostile than inviting, so we decide to give it a miss. Instead, we go to
the Sea View and Game Park, where they seem to have young lions. The entrance to the
park feels fine, we see zebras and other wild animals and that feels okay too. However,
when we get to the closed lion area I cannot see any lion cubs anywhere. Apparently
they are near the restaurant. This makes me feel sad, these eighteen cubs, three of
which are still suckling. God cannot have intended it to be like this!
While we are walking on the Sacraments Trail along the beach, this feeling soon
changes. Fortunately I am getting better at letting go. Once back home in our
apartment, we take a lovely shower and again I make a salad. We thoroughly enjoy it.
We leave early and go on the way to Addo, the elephant park. Our day starts well.
Although most of the trails are closed because of the floods, we ‘catch’ an elephant
straight away. We are so privileged that we can observe this impressive colossal being
from so nearby for quite a while. We do not just see this one, we see several more.
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Pure wisdom
I do not know what exactly is happening to me, yet their ‘being’ touches me in the
deepest part of my soul. There is so much wisdom, so much power and individuality in
these primitive animals. They live from their centre and do not allow anything or
anybody to disturb them. They have no natural enemies and are not out to kill
anything. Unless you get caught under their heavy feet or disappear unintentionally
with all vegetation into their mouths.
Birds in dazzling colours nest around the lake and the aloe is in full bloom. When the
park starts filling up, we already are on our way to Kayalendapa, a traditional village.
On the way we buy some cactus fruits from a boy on the street. He is over the moon. He
asks me if I have a sandwich and something to drink for him. When I give it to him, he
wants to kiss me. Alfred is hitchhiking on the exit road to the village. He has to get to
Alicedale, thirty kilometres away. ‘Sorry Alfred, we are not going that way’. Then I feel
how ridiculous this is. We abandon our plans and take Alfred along the sandy road to
Alicedale. Halfway there we pick up another guy, his name is Richard. We share the
fruit. All this gives me such a lovely feeling, it does not even bother me we do not get to
see the village, on the contrary. After driving through Somerset East, where we feel the
lost glory again, we get onto the road to Graaff Reinet. We stop to admire a spectacular
double rainbow in this country of the Rainbow connection. This second time in Graaff
Reinet we decide to rent a traditional old house.
* Thursday 30 March
It is very early in the morning when we leave to go to the national park. In complete
silence, we enjoy the unbelievable variety of wild animals in this place. The trail is still
closed but our day has already been made. After having a coffee at our familiar place we
drive to Nieu Bethesda. There a sweet little house is for sale and we have a wonderful
encounter with the owners, Chris and Shamein. Tears of emotion and recognition are
flowing freely! It is very difficult to tear ourselves away, but we also want to walk
through the small town. Then we come across Eddy and we drink the only thing he has,
mango juice. In order to clarify the difference between white and black, Eddy tells us
the following story:
Politeness
A black woman is walking along the street and smells the smell of a ‘braai’ (barbecue).
Acting spontaneously as black people do, she follows her nose until she comes to the
house where the delicious smell is coming from. When she rings the bell at the gate,
the white host appears and politely asks her what she wants....
For those people who are too white to understand this story: if the host had been a
black man, he would have immediately invited his guest, white, coloured or black into
his house to have something to eat.
* Friday 31 March
We leave early to go to 'The Valley of Desolation’. Brrr, it is ‘baie’ (bitterly) cold! Once
again we witness the majesty of the Creator. We do not tire of his creativity, which
reveals itself to us in the presence of numerous wild animals. Shy velvet monkeys come
closer cautiously yet inquisitively. We intensely enjoy the magnificent landscape and I
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feel the deep desolation, the intense quietness and the unspoiled beauty of this area. I
feel it right down to my very cells; they start to sing because of it. Fortunately, when the
sun comes through, it soon starts to get warmer. At Shamein’s suggestion we go and see
Iris in her gift shop. She is involved in the hospice project for AIDS. An interesting
conversation develops about AIDS and the cooperation between various groups, all of
which are represented in her hospice project. Young people returning from the city,
bring back AIDS to this place. Both Iris and I feel moved by this warm encounter. She
asks us to come back before we leave.
I do not know why, but I get the feeling that I have to go to Aberdeen. It feels great
there, without all the tourists. We eventually go and look at houses again, this time it is
with Cherry. Yet, the houses are only a side issue. When Ellie says that she does not
want to sell her house to blacks, I tell her that this affects me and ask her why she feels
this way. She tells us frankly about her experiences with black and coloured people. She
has been disappointed and cheated on so often in the past that she does not want black
people in her house any more. I feel that I can listen with an open heart and without
judging. Everybody is a victim of the circumstances; everybody is damaged, white
people as well. I ask Cherry why all the doors are locked, when according to her it is so
safe up here. According to her, the number of begging children is increasing daily.
When we first met her she was a somewhat grumpy closed woman, when we leave, it
feels as if she has completely transformed. I get a well-meant, grateful and warm
embrace.
Compassion
All of us are offenders as well as victims. The side on which we stand in this life
depends on which role we have chosen to play this time. Ultimately, there are no
offenders and no victims; it is all about the experience. The greatest healing I have
been given here in South Africa is that this is the first time I have been able to be open
with everybody, not only with vulnerable people. For the first time in my life I can
also embrace my own race and take them into my heart, feel compassion for
everybody and no longer make a distinction.
It does not matter whether Ellie’s story is true or not. Undoubtedly I would certainly
do things different. However, it is her truth and I wish to respect that.
All the rules are broken yet again on the return journey. We give a lift to a young couple
and their baby. They are drug addicts, but immensely grateful.
* Saturday 1 April
When we go outside in the morning, the garden boy is washing our car with great
devotion. He helped us yesterday and we gave him a little something. This is his way of
saying thank you. We go back, see Iris again, and bring a peace candle for her. When we
park the car in the centre of Graaff Reinet, Siabonga, a small and smiling little boy,
comes up to us. He looks at me imploringly with his big innocent eyes and asks if he can
look after our car. I stroke his curly hair; give him a kiss and a big ‘yes’. Iris is radiant
when she sees us. However busy she is, immediately she drops everything. We talk and
cuddle. She gives me a present and tells me that she would like to meet people like us
more often. ‘Giri, don’t you think that she has lovely eyes? Don’t you forget to tell her
that every day, will you?’ We walk back to Siabonga, his name means ‘gratitude’. He is
pleased with his two Rand and cuddles up to me confidently. I tell him how beautiful he
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is and I want to know everything about him. ‘Stay just as you are, you are the sun of
Graaff Reinet’. While I sit in the car, I keep looking at him. Then I remember the
rainbow-eyes. That earned me yet another cuddle. ‘Do you want a banana?’ he asks. ‘No
sweetheart, they are for you.’ A black woman watches us full of enjoyment. ‘Isn’t he
beautiful?’ I ask her. Convinced she nods. ‘And so are you’, I say.
A true master
Siabonga is one of those exceptions who will survive in all circumstances. He does not
feel he is a victim, he does not resort to being passive, but he takes action. He radiates
warmth and trust and is loved by everybody. This ten-year old lad earns enough to
support his family. He has most certainly never been to school, he is pure and
unspoiled and still in direct contact with his inner wisdom. Siabonga teaches us to
understand that if you give everybody the same opportunity not everybody is able to
make the most of it in the same way. Put simply, not everybody has the same tools at
their disposal as Siabonga has. He is a true master in a child’s body.
We say goodbye to this place, which is so dear to us, and drive on to Middelburg. We
once again pick up two hitchhikers. It does not feel quite right this time, but the poor
wretches are immensely grateful. By the end of the afternoon, we are in Aliwal North.
We find a lovely place to sleep. After a late walk, I have a luxurious bath in the romantic
bathroom. What bliss! Once again, we have driven three hundred kilometres through
this barren countryside, with only a settlement here and there. It certainly has
something, this intense desolation.
* Sunday 2 April
We are already on our way at half past seven. The car is playing up again and is leaking
water. Giri has to put in over a litre of water. The same thing happens again a bit later
on at the petrol station. The petrol pump attendant does something to the reservoir and
I know immediately that the problem is solved. And so it has now, we hardly lose a
drop. We give Jeremiah, a black man from the street with a lovely aura, a lift and Selina
can come along too. We drop both of them off at the border with Lesotho, their
homeland. We have a coffee-stop in Lady Brand. Then on the way to Bethlehem we
come to the exit for Modderpoort. Something makes us decide to take this exit. We
immediately enter ancient times at St. Augustinus, where there is a mysterious cave
and a mass of rocks in the mountains were we find the oldest Bushmen’s paintings. It is
a quiet and sacred place; tourists do not come here. A Zionist prayer service is being
held in the cave, so in the meantime, we experience the antiquity in the hills. This is the
first time that I have the feeling that I can relate totally to the deep roots of ancient
South Africa. I would like to stay here for a longer period. Unfortunately, they are
waiting for me in Geluksdal!
We meet Betty in Bethlehem. Her guesthouse is fully booked but she finds another
place for us to stay. I feel she has been through a difficult time lately, and she shares
with me that she lost two of her sons. One was shot dead in Gauteng when his car was
stolen. I put my arms around her and hold her for a while. She gives in to it totally and
says that she needed it. In spite of this poignant experience, she is kind and full of
compassion for all the races in South Africa, although she does not think that the
problems will be solved within the next thousand years.
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* Monday 3 April
I slept fantastically well in Franci’s guesthouse. We browse around Bethlehem and take
a photograph of the Jordaan River. Then we drive along a splendid route through a
valley full of flowering cosmos to Clarens and drink a coffee at Louw’s. Again we have
an open encounter, which is so scintillating that we are still in this coffee bar two hours
later. We talk Afrikaans, but I can follow what he says perfectly well. He is amazed at
my insights into the problems and the people of South Africa and cannot believe that
we have only been here for barely two months.
We like this place so much that we go off and explore Clarens and find a lovely cottage
at Barbara’s next to the water. She takes us to look for a house. We go and see a sweet
little house with three thousand metres of land full of wonderful flowers and shrubs
and a splendid view of Horeb Mountain. The eighty-four year old man is very beautiful
and, of course I tell him this. He looks at me in full amazement. ‘How can I be beautiful,
I am old?’
‘So what do you mean by old, you both are absolute gorgeous.’ We leave two radiant
people behind.
We go on to Fouriersburg. Even though I did not intend picking up any more
hitchhikers after hearing Betty’s story, when we drive past a hitchhiking couple, I ask
Giri to stop and to turn back. Only the woman comes with us and that feels fine. The
road to Fouriersburg is beautiful and there is a lot of activity in the village itself. On the
way back, we give Abel a lift. Betty has already disappeared into the past. In the
evening, we walk into the village. Even in the dark, it feels safe on the street. We have
some salad and pizza in a nice atmosphere. Later on, we sit in front of our cottage on
the banks of the babbling brook. What a magnificent place to write a book!
The gold mines
Ann tells us that her sister works at a clinic in Heidelberg, where it has been
discovered that the waste from the gold mines is the cause of countless illnesses. It
confirms my observation on that first day in Geluksdal when I was completely
knocked off my feet. This was most certainly caused by the terrible energy of the gold
mines.
* Tuesday 4 April
Again, the weather is cold and raw today. We say goodbye to Barbara and her beautiful
place and drive back home along the Golden Gate route. We go for a walk on a fantastic
and interesting trail, to Echokloof and Mushroom Rocks. It is quite hazardous because
of all the rain, but nonetheless feeds our soul and we enjoy it to the full. We end our
holiday in Heidelberg in a lovely small restaurant. Even though it is far after closing
time, Janny makes some salads and a delicious fruit shake for us. It is an amazingly
lovely place.
We enjoy Janny's company and her delicious salads to the full, because we have made
the resolution to stop eating again. This will be a big challenge within the energy of
the gold mines.
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BACK IN GELUKSDAL
.
‘There is no distance - God and ourselves occupy all the space’
There is nobody at the convent when we get back to Geluksdal.
* Wednesday 5 April
It has been snowing up in the mountains and so it is ‘baie’ (very, very) cold and wet. We
only have one jumper and some summer clothes with us. Precisely now we have
decided to stop eating. Together with Myriam, we go to the youth house, the
counselling house for the AIDS project. I cannot believe the transformation, which has
taken place in only four weeks. This woman is truly amazing. She tells me that the
planned workshop is due to start this evening. Well, why not?
A course in miracles
A small miracle, a unique event, occurred this evening. It is the first time that both
communities have come together for the same course. Sixteen people are taking part:
black, coloured and white people, amongst them are a man and sister Myriam. In
addition, we are also there, as two white foreigners. This is a real encounter and an
intense experience for everybody. When I open the meeting by calling on the four
wind directions, our ancestors, the angels and the masters, I initially sense some
confusion. This does not fit in with their catholic belief system. At the end of the
session everybody looks radiant, and we are all looking forward to the next one.
* Thursday 6 April
Well, I want to take it easy today. We go and visit Father Patrick. He is fighting an
enormous battle within himself against what he calls the ‘temptation’ of going back to
the countryside, where he feels so much at home. According to Patrick, this would be
running away from his destiny: ‘there can be no resurrection without a complete
crucifixion’. In my opinion, this is all too true and what is more, I know it from
experience. On the other hand, asserting that God died on the cross together with His
son is really going too far for me. It is my firm belief that God is absolute, eternal and
immortal. The person, the material body of Jesus, died, what resurrected from the
grave was his divinity, his astral body. At some stage we also will exchange this material
body for the boundless limitlessness of our astral body.
It is a pity that we have been stuck, essentially we are in complete agreement with
each other. Yet, although suffering can be part of this process, I do not feel a victim
and certainly not a martyr. Sorry Patrick, I do not need all this sadness, all this
heaviness anymore, no longer is it of any use to me. My experience of God is one of
pure delight. I do not think he would mind if you were to follow the voice of your heart
and went back to the countryside. On the contrary, it would give him an immense
pleasure if you would follow your heart's desire. Because then you will sing his song
of praise and radiate his joy wherever you may be.
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After that, we have an open and delicate conversation with Myriam. Now Reina has
gone away for the time being she can take in her space and she gets the attention she
needs. She is pleased with the sarong I give to her to honour her womanhood.
* Friday 7 April
Again, there is something wrong with the car. The engine oil has run out and this gets
an adverse effect on the gearbox. This means we have to drive slowly to Kate in
Mamelodi. She is very pleased to see us. Oema is in the hospital for a minor operation
and has to stay in overnight for observation. Giri and I go for a walk along the street
and once more we are an object of interest for children and adults. I feel at home and
safe in Mamelodi, it is much livelier than Geluksdal. Thank goodness, it is a bit warmer
during the day.
* Saturday 8 April
Today I feel full of life. I take some photos of Kate and we drive to Pretoria to have them
developed there. We visit the Union Building with its lovely gardens. Kate and I walk
hand in hand through the city. However normal this might be for me, it is very unusual
here in South Africa. We enjoy watching a group of children who are performing a
traditional dance, called the Sepedi from North Soto. This is how they earn their school
fees. The group, accompanied by their ‘mother’ playing the drums, is breathtakingly
beautiful. I start swinging on the street. The smallest toddler is a real attraction because
of her naturalness; I can hardly take my eyes of off her. She radiates the pure joyfulness
of totally being alive, pure power.
That same evening we have a rather unpleasant experience in Kate’s house. Three
drunken men burst in, they are annoying and unapproachable. No thank you very
much; I just do not appreciate this now. I really do not feel like listening to their ranting
and raving, and certainly do not feel like letting them intimidate me. You can sort this
out between yourselves. I withdrawn myself in the bedroom and leave them to it. Later
on, I ask Kate whether she is ever frightened. ‘Why should I be?’ she says, ‘these men
are just pathetic and lost’.
* Sunday 9 April
It is very early in the morning, and we are all sitting cosily with Ruth and Olga on Kate’s
bed watching a television programme about the initiation of a white Sangoma
(medicine woman). It is very interesting and we enjoy it. Part of the ritual is the
slaughtering of a goat and drinking its blood. This is the point where I have to stop. I
would rather be a Sangoma of these modern days.
Animals do have a soul
It is absolutely impossible for me to kill an animal. Animals have just as good a soul
and feelings as we do. Once I slept next to a farm. At night when they were taking pigs
to the slaughterhouse, I felt their terror. This experience was so painful that I was
influenced by it for more than a week. Even now, I still find it difficult to see a cattle
truck on the way to the slaughterhouse. I am using my energy to bless the animals.
I hope the time will come that we wake up and realise that all the suffering we cause
to others, including animals as well, will return to us. This is the simple and extremely
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justified law of cause and effect. I hope the time will come we start to realise that
animals are also our brothers and sisters. Of course, this does not mean we have to
stop eating meat immediately; it only requires that we deal with it differently.
Animals are entitled to have a good life and to be slaughtered in a respectful way. The
ritual killing that we consider so primitive is many times more humane than our way.
We should ask ourselves whether everything must be sacrificed to our boundless
egotistical desires. Animals do not have a choice; we are responsible for their wellbeing.
It would be fantastic if we could look at all animals with the same respect and out of
the same love we usually have for our pets.
We decide to take Ruth’s daughter back to her grandmother in Soweto. This saves them
a journey and we can see Gail again. Gail is totally beside herself. Fortunately, we
already let her know that we are not even eating salads. Out of solidarity, they do not
eat either, and I have trouble dealing with this. Together we look at photos and later on
we walk hand in hand through the streets. The young men in the street think this is
great. This is what they want; they would like to see it more often. Well, that is what we
are here for, you can count on it, this is what we want to achieve. Young children react
enthusiastically and openly towards us.
Yet, many people in Soweto are terribly damaged, frightened and less open to white
people. While we are waiting for the driver who will guide us out of Soweto, a guy likes
to confront us: ‘Are you going to shoot me or are you going to take my photo?’ A
drunken man tries to stop our car. Gail commands us to close the windows immediately
and lock the car from the inside, always and everywhere! It takes nearly an hour before
we are out of Soweto. No, even Giri could not have found this intricate route.
Back home in Geluksdal, we go for an evening walk with Myriam. We meet the lovely
John who became paralysed after a near-fatal accident. He sits in his wheelchair on the
street every day. He is an example of faith and trust and tries to support young people
in a positive way. What a beacon of light he is!
* Monday 10 April
In spite of the pollution from the gold mines, which hangs over everything like a thick
layer of smog, we are feeling fine on this sixth day without food. This means that our
bodies are flexible enough to adjust everywhere. During my morning meditation, the
evening’s programme unfolds smoothly.
A new beginning
‘Initiation without being initiated’. A new birth, a new beginning for myself. My faith
in the Universe and my willingness to let go and to wait for the new to manifest itself,
are rewarded now. Later, when I go through my notes, I realise that I have dreamt
about this before!
We go with Myriam to Pricella in Langaville, the slum district. Myriam would like me to
meet and heal everybody. She still has a lot to learn in this respect!
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The great healer
I do not have any pretension about being able to heal people. At most, I am allowed to
be a channel between the person concerned and the Source of all life. It is the essence
of the person himself, who knows what is good for him. In view of the path I had to
walk myself, I do not have any need to deprive people of valuable experiences which
give them the possibility to unveil deeper layers in their consciousness. Even if I could,
I simply do not have the right. This is all to do with love and respect. What will be, will
be. What will be healed, will be healed.
Pricella is not at home and so we walk to the crèche run by Thembi, her name means
‘hope ’. Here in the slum districts of Langeville, I feel completely at ease. Those people
are more open than the people in Geluksdal. With the support of her husband and
Sister Myriam, Thembi, an absolute beauty, has transformed her old slum into a crèche.
We are welcomed cheerfully. It is wonderful to see how Myriam is blossoming and
opening up like a flower in full bloom. The children are little miracles of pure innocence
and beauty. Enthusiastically they sing their songs and full of pride they like to show us
what they have learned. One of these lovely songs stayed with me:
God created the sun
God created the trees
God created everything
So God created me
The children perform all the songs with innocent little faces and lovely gestures.
Thembi teaches them to be proud of themselves. By doing this, she lays a strong
foundation, and this is the most important basis you can give to children for the rest of
their lives. As long as there are people like Thembi, there is hope for South Africa. And
Myriam is most certainly the Mother Teresa of this area.
A lovely young woman called Pula comes up and talks to me. Within a hour she is
changing into a totally different person. Incredible problems are often lurking behind
all these façades of friendliness. It is a miracle she confides in me so quickly and it is
lovely to see how her resistance is melting, layer after layer.
In the evening Pula and Yvonne join the rest of the group. Yet again, it is a splendid
evening. I let myself be completely led by the group’s energy. It all happens without
using any symbols or mantras. The only tool required is an open heart full of love. The
result is tremendous. At the end of the evening, everybody feels transformed and
literally ‘enlightened’.
Raza, a black priest from this area, visits the convent. He has a problem with me, even
before we have exchanged one single word. Myriam was hoping that he would take part
in the course. Fortunately, she is unable to arrange everything. Raza has just come out
of hospital. He has a heart condition and a liver ruined by excessive drinking. His fear is
understandable when you find out he was nearly murdered on his own property.
* Tuesday 11 April
When I get up, I feel that I could do with a day of peace and quiet. It turns out to be
completely different. At nine o’clock, we go to Pricella, this time on our own. I behave
as if I do not know anything about her situation and so I only respond to what she tells
me. Within half an hour I know completely her sad situation, also that she is HIV
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positive. She is in tears. I kneel down to embrace her. What an unbelievable misery! I
meet three of her homosexual friends who take care of her when she is too ill to do it
herself. She lost her job and lives on the support given by her mother, by Myriam and
from some little gifts. In spite of all her misery, her slum looks sparkling clean just as
Pricella herself.
We go over to the youth house. Happy is pleased and enthusiastic when he sees me. I
embrace him and give him a kiss. He tells me that his father was shot dead in their
home a week ago. This does not shock me anymore it is so common here. Happy says
that he is a man and therefore he must be strong. I tell him that he represents a new
generation of men, who can heal South Africa by daring to be vulnerable. As I take his
head in my hands, I feel his swollen glands and I recall that I already thought that he
also…
Together we take Happy back home. His sister talks as if nothing has happened until
she realises that we know about the situation. After I have purified the house with herbs
and candles, the atmosphere changes considerably. An uncle asks me to do the same in
his house and well, I am feeling great, so why not. Happy and I do the job together so
he can do it when I am not around any more. He looks radiant and feels liberated.
Hugging
We meet Pat in the office of the youth house. She looks beautiful and tells us that the
workshop was the best thing what happened to her. ‘You are teaching us the
difference between hugging and hugging. We like hugging but when you do it, we feel
that you really love us’. That is the absolute truth, yet even so I am extremely touched
and feel the tears burning in my eyes.
We are off to St. Francis Care to complete things over there. There is so much to do
here in Geluksdal itself that we have to make choices. What is more, we have decided to
go on a trip to Durban to make our picture of South Africa as complete as possible.
We are greeted warmly by the staff. Many people have died since our last visit, yet
Graham is still there. It is pitiful to see him. His blind face is completely affected and it
is even impossible for him to eat. Please God take him out of his misery! We hand out
the photos we took. If I had known how happy they feel with it, we would have taken a
photo of each of them. Koko is still alive. My God how can this be true? I must embrace
her very carefully. Margret has just recovered a bit; she is pleased as punch with her
rainbow eye. Viola ran away fourteen days ago, she left her four-month-old baby
behind. This is not the Viola I know. Her husband came back home from prison, which
must be the reason for it. Even the African Sophia loves me. This is amazing; she never
lets anybody get close to her. ‘Bye darling’, she answers when I say goodbye to her.
Later on, I sit together with Myriam in our garden, the only real garden in whole
Geluksdal. Myriam invites Raza to sit with us. She tells him there is no such thing as
coincidence; he must be here for a reason. We have a sharing together, in which I
confront him with his energy pattern, his aggression, with his sadness and with the fact
that he dislikes me. I see some openness and a wonderful wholeness start to appear.
Okay, this is a good start dear Myriam, Raza can do the rest by himself.
In the evening, we are playing a game as Myriam laughingly bursts in. She grabs my
hand and takes me to the other side. ‘Somebody urgently needs to be healed’. Jolanda
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appears from behind two laughing women. She keeps on hugging and tells me that she
loves me and that she will never forget me: ‘Because you have changed my life’.
The electricity has been cut off. We have a most lovely evening by candlelight with
representatives from all the five different continents: Jolanda from America, Myriam
from South Africa, Euphrasia from India, Jennifer from Australia and Giri and I from
Europe. Even Raza is relaxed and seems to enjoy himself and we frequently burst out
laughing like happy children.
A deep desire
There is a lot of recognition between Euphrasia and me. She says that she wanted to
see me after she heard my name, because she recognised the vibration of India in it.
An old desire arises in me, a deep desire for my ‘mother country’ India. At the end of
May, Euphrasia is going back to her project in the countryside, in the north of
Calcutta. ‘Come and see me’, she says. I answer, ‘Yes, oh yes.....’
* Wednesday 12 April
Due to the public transport strike, we have to postpone our appointment with Pula to
visit her work. Myriam is delighted; she sees this as an intervention from heaven to heal
Raza. However, I creep behind the computer. In the afternoon, when I go into the
garden to have a break, Raza commands me to sit down and to listen to him. A full
confession follows. He asks me to set him free. I do a powerful exercise with him and
after that, I give him an aura treatment. He feels reborn, but immediately he wants
more. I tell him that he has been given the tools to carry on by himself. I feel tired and
down after this meeting. I have clearly gone far beyond my limits.
In the group the same evening, we start the programme by singing the A-sound. There
is still quite a bit of giggling going on, so I step into the circle and give a demonstration
of what you are able to transform when you use this technique. Later on we talk about
emotions and the suppression of anger. ‘If we no longer suppress our anger and dare to
show it, all this murdering will just stop’. They totally agree with me. We all sing as
never before. Eventually, I have to stop the group. We are working for three hours
without a break. We sing and meditate, I teach them how to give a simple distance
treatment and we exchange treatments on the chair. Later on we talk about the way in
which they will repay their ‘energy debt’ in sister Myriam’s projects. Once again,
everybody has a tremendous evening, including myself. I feel reloaded.
Liberation
People feel liberated when I tell them that they can let go of their feelings of guilt. A
false sense of duty and feelings of guilt, God did not think them up. And worrying? If
we worry, we do not have any faith in the perfect course of creation. Genuine anger is
a life-giving energy, if it is a spontaneous reaction at that particular moment without
any baggage of suppressed emotions from the past. This must not in any way be
confused with hate. Hate is a deep-rooted dislike of ourselves, which we keep on
feeding and projecting onto others. It is a deadly emotion. We are not only poisoning
our own energy field, but also the energy field of our surroundings and the energy
field around the earth.
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* Thursday 13 April
Today, we are going with Pula to ‘Felicitas’, the home for handicapped children. We are
both impressed by it. In spite of the distressing lack of money after the abolition of
apartheid, we feel at home in this atmosphere. It is tragic that many parents in South
Africa feel defeated and ashamed to have a handicapped child. There have been people
who did not want to support this project because of the fact that these children are
worthless to society. My God, that really is a tragic!
Practical use
In this material world, everything must have a practical use. Believe me, the most
beautiful souls are often locked inside these handicapped bodies. Souls, which have
not only come into this world to work out their own karma, yet with their
unconditional love they also transform the karma of many others. If we are open to it,
they teach us new insights and a deeper way of understanding. They are building
networks of light and love in this world of materialism.
I let myself be touched by the small five-year old Cynthia, she has a special healing
energy. She can hardly be dragged away from me. Giri is completely in his element with
all those children around his neck. Later on we get a fantastic guided tour. The older
children, both black and white, are given special workshops. Everything is done to
enable them to enter society as independently as possible. According to An, there is
absolutely no future in South Africa for elderly and handicapped people. When I stand
next to the seventeen year old Sylvia and put my hand on her back, she immediately
throws her arms around me and calls me Anti (auntie). She lets her energy flow without
any restrictions and opens herself up without a problem. She touches me deeply; she is
very responsive and beautiful.
In the creative workshop, we are shown by these enthusiastic young fellows how they
make candles for schools and shops. I get a hug and a beautiful candle made by a lovely
spontaneous white boy. I am very pleased with it. Even the deputy head feels
encouraged. We ensure her they are on the right path by doing this fantastic job. What
would happen if they had enough money? Exactly, the creativity would immediately
disappear.
This evening we feel a new sort of openness and for the first time we have a nice talk
and a real meeting with sister Tsifa. The atmosphere in the house feels completely
transformed after Raza left.
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THE MAGALIESBERGEN
‘By raising my consciousness, I raise the consciousness of mankind’.
* Friday 14 April
Intending to visit Ron and his family at the Kasha project, we leave early in the morning
to drive to Magaliesburg. Everything seems to be going against us. There is a long
traffic jam caused by an accident. We take the wrong exit which means we have to make
a long detour. We cannot find back the national park in Krugersdorp, so we drive
straight to the Kasha project. Strange, the path to the project looks blocked and the
school children are not responding very enthusiastically when we greet them. Ron and
Liza are home and they seem pleased to see us. However, my feelings about this place
are not exactly positive. Their foster-children-project is clearly going downhill. The
windows of the school have been smashed by students. After the new government has
stopped the additional subsidy the project is going through hard times, and the school
fees are the only financial basis for the upbringing of their foster children. Even more
alarming is that the inner inspiration has gone and this has repercussions on the whole
set-up.
Liza gives me a lovely rock-crystal pendant to protect myself from the energy of the
gold mines. I know immediately that it is not for me; I get my protection from another
source. I have to accept this gift to clean it and to wear it for a while. Later I will give it
back to her. With Ron we go to Lonneke’s office. She already let go off the whole project
and went back to her previous work as a minister for this area. Many people are leaving
the countryside and foreign investors take over the farms. Black workers, who lived on
this land for more than three generations, lose their home. It is Lonneke’s task to create
new residential areas for these people. A brave step because white Africans and foreign
investors feel threatened by the situation. They do not want any black communities in
their ‘back-garden’. The stories we hear are heartbreaking.
Sexual abuse
Boys and girls have to walk for kilometres to school. While hitchhiking, frequently
many of them are sexually abused. Shamefully they hide this experience deep inside
because nowadays rape has become almost accepted.
Thirty-six people have been chased away out of their slums onto the streets, because
they have full-blown AIDS.
Lonneke is a spiritual woman, yet this makes her also a bit unapproachable. When the
four of us are together, I get the courage to share my experiences. I praise Ron for
everything he has built up at this wonderful place over the last ten years. However, I
also question him about his negative attitude, whose energy has become so perceptible
within the project. ‘Why do you think they are smashing the windows?’ Sometimes it is
time to move on and hand over the reigns to others.
I am glad we did not phone them first. I feel exhausted and do not want to spend the
night at this project. I need some distance, I have done my bit.
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The accommodation in this area is either very expensive or seems to be fully booked.
Fortunately, we are able to stay overnight at the cheaper Country Hotel.
I feel shocked by the deep despair I regularly see in the eyes of the people we pass on
the street.
* Saturday 15 April
We have tea in bed and are taking it easy this morning. Giri has seen a crystal shop and
we have a wonderful encounter with Karen and her crystals. I embrace Karen
spontaneously and tell her how much I appreciate all this beauty and how important
this positiveness is in South Africa. She has tears in her eyes. Also the white South
African has her own history. My heart starts to sing again and I want to share it. We buy
mango juice for this evening and a large bar of chocolate. This is for the old gardener,
who is busy working in front of the small supermarket. His gratitude is worth all the
money in the world.
We are sitting in a coffee shop when the thunderstorm suddenly breaks out.
Thunderstorms here are not just any thunderstorm. Streaks of lightning flash through
the sky and the thunder makes us cringe, short but violent. The rain is pouring down
and the red dirt roads turn into quagmires. We are unable to get to the foot of the
Magaliesbergen (Magalies Mountains). Shall we just stay here for the night after all?
No, let go. When we cannot find a room anywhere, we even can drive back home to
Geluksdal this evening.
We stop at a candle shop. In this special place we meet once again one of South Africa’s
power-sources, her name is Calleen. Calleen makes lovely candles at very affordable
prices. She made space in her shop for locals, so they can sell their own homemade
products. The atmosphere inside is joyfully and light. A white African family is busy
painting candles, they are visibly enjoying themselves. It is the same story. I tell Calleen
how beautiful she is and how special I think it is what she is doing. She feels deeply
moved and we talk about our ‘being’ in South Africa. She tells us that people who are
AIDS-registered are only the tip of the iceberg. By now, I know this very well. She
knows a farmer who employs three hundred people and she is certain that all of them
are infected. This frightens her very much. She nursed a black person in her own house
until the day that he had to get into hospital to die. She found it difficult to watch the
process of deterioration. ‘You did it all the same and do you know what you have given
that man, don’t you?’ She looks at me and says in all her innocence: ‘He had nobody
else, somebody had to do it!'
We get our candles at cost price. In Calleen’s eyes, people like us are very special. Well
Calleen, that feeling is absolutely mutual as far as I am concerned.
Hope for South Africa
My heart is singing. What do you mean by no hope? As long as there are people like
Calleen, there is hope for South Africa and hope for the world.
It stopped raining and even the dirt road to the ‘staproete’ (footpath) once again is
passable. Let us drive on and see where we end up. We end up in paradise. The owner
of a farm called ‘Vrijheid’ (Freedom) provides simple accommodation for people who
carry their own bed linen and their food. We do not need any food. She gets us some
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sleeping bags and pillows and we are lucky with the last hut. God, you are always so
good to us! Towards the evening, we go for a walk along the short route, which is
reasonably dry and passable now. The route goes straight through a pasture with cows;
an enormous bull is blocking the path. In this situation, I have more courage than Giri;
I talk bravely to the bull and walk in front. When cows have enough space, they live
peacefully with the males of their own species.
Space
Space is of vital importance. We think of pigs as being dirty animals; if this seems true
it is what we made of them. Pigs are actually very clean animals if they have enough
space. They create separate places to shit, to eat and to sleep. If we extend this
behaviour to people, we see the same pattern. When we lose contact with nature and
are stuffed into small spaces, we lose the connection with our being, we lose our selfrespect and we start to behave inhumanly.
The one-and-half hour trek is just enough. We still feel exhausted. All at once the fun
starts. There is an enormous pile of firewood in front of our hut and I make a gigantic
fire. The nights are cold at this altitude. We sit for hours round the bonfire with a large
pot of tea and I feel my aura being completely cleansed and increasing in power. This
experience, the deep purification by the fire element, reminds me of a similar
experience during my vision quest in Sweden. It is almost full moon.
Truth
It is in the middle of the night. I urinate outside while enjoying the moon and the
starry sky and chuckle at a story I was told by one of the staff members in the
‘Felicitas’ house: ‘And then they just urinate under a tree and they eat with their
hands. That cannot be normal can it? How can you expect them to wear their school
uniform according to the rules?’ I looked at her and said, ‘what do mean by not
normal? It is not normal for you but it is certainly very normal for them’.
It is easy for us to talk about ‘the truth’ and ‘civilization’. We do not realise that in this
respect ‘the truth’ does not exist. My truth could be a big lie for a black person and vice
versa. We think what we have learned is ‘normal’, like eating with a knife and fork.
For an Indian it is extremely rude to eat with your left hand whereas eating with your
right hand is ‘normal’. In this respect, there is no ‘true path’ or ‘right action’. Truth is
in all simplicity the perfect balance between good and evil, the perfect balance
between light and darkness.
The desire to make everybody equal has to do with fear. Equality does not exist on the
face of the earth. We are all at a different stage in our evolutionary process. Every
person, every animal, every plant is different. Although we are in principle all one, we
express our uniqueness in the material world. In order to discover oneness, we should
give ourselves permission to dare to distinguish without judging.
The rift between different cultures is great. Is it true that apartheid has been
abolished? According to the law, it has. Unfortunate laws are unable to change and
transform people’s emotions and ideas, people must decide to do these themselves.
Apartheid will only be something of the past when everybody has broken down his or
her own inner barricades.
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* Sunday 16 April
Brrrr, I was very cold last night. Because of the conditions, we decided to sleep in our
clothes, but even that was not enough. Yet, I would not have missed this experience for
the entire world. It is nearly half past six and we are on the road again. It is not raining
and the sun comes up through this magical area just like in a fairytale. These mountains
are supposed to be the oldest in the whole of Africa. Whether this is true or not they
certainly are old. I am bursting with energy again and feel ready for a brisk climb. We
make a detour to Shelter Rock and I have a special adventure there.
A Celtic connection
While I am sitting inside the circle of stones under a large tree, all sorts of images are
revealed to me. I feel a strong Celtic connection in this place. Many rituals have taken
place in this circle. I am experiencing them again. Now I understand why I felt such a
connection with Ireland from the first day we set foot in South Africa. South Africa’s
connection with the Netherlands and with England is clearly visible, but to my mind,
the invisible spiritual connection is with Ireland.
It is a challenging climb over landslides of stones and through mountain passes. It feeds
our souls. Somewhere deep inside I start to worry, will we be back in time for the last
part of the workshop? Just let go and enjoy all this. We are completely alone in this
paradise. The area is magical and unspoilt and is managed fantastically by the owners
and protected by the gods themselves. We go through caves and caverns and once
again, I am able to connect to ancient times, to the spirit of South Africa. The circle is
being complete.
An enormous bump
During the descent down the mountain, I fall with an enormous bump. I see it
happening in a flash beforehand, so I am able to react quickly and I manage to break
the fall, thank goodness. As a consequence, the physical injury is non-existent.
Completely recharged, we leave in plenty of time to go back to Geluksdal. When I see
the first tips of the goldmine, I begin to find them quite beautiful. Everything goes
smoothly and we get back home before two o’clock. Yes, this feels more and more like
home and I am still learning to use and transform the heavy, polluted energy. We take a
shower to get rid of the dirt. Then we get everything ready for the last part of the
workshop.
It takes a while for everybody to arrive but I have had a good training in patience on the
Dutch Antilles. The lovely Carolina brings along her grandson, Mpo. His name means
‘gift’. Just like many grandmothers, she is bringing up her grandson. I am discovering
more and more that this is a fantastic system. A grandmother is more mature and wiser
then the mother who is still in the middle of her own personal evolution. How pleased I
would have been if my mother could have taken care of my children, so I could have
worked out my desire for self-development. I should have been able to enjoy my
children with less concern.
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The women and Melvin look radiant. We sing, meditate, share and practise some
treatments. We work through the last few questions and everything I had wanted to say
comes out through the questions asked. I feel freer than before to go directly to the
essence, without beating about the bush and this does not meet any resistance. When
we complete the circle and evaluate the session by using the animal cards, we share
things which normally are never shared.
Gratitude
Pula says how grateful she is that we have come to see her work. ‘Do you remember that
little boy who cried a lot? He had constipation for fourteen days. Immediately after he
sat on your lap, he needed his nappy changing.’ Later on, she told me privately how
frightened she had been about taking us along. ‘Usually it is not appreciated of us
blacks. This time everybody reacted so differently, they wanted to know everything
about you.’ ‘And you Pula, you have made progress by doing this, don’t you realise that?
It is that easy, listen to your heart and just does the things the way you feel you have to
and do not worry about the consequences’. She looks at me radiantly and skips out the
door like a schoolgirl.
Stephanie has picked the mouse card, which signifies the characteristic ‘curiosity‘. The
group teases her terribly and she reacts vehemently. Everybody is very quiet and listens
with respect. She shares with us she has been suppressed and abused by her husband
all her life. Now her husband is bedridden. After what she learnt here, she decided to
give him a treatment. He responded positively. This week, she had a dream in which
her husband was able to walk again. Her husband did not want to believe her, until he
found out that their granddaughter had also had the same dream at exactly the same
moment. Miraculous. I did not tell her that I get the feeling that he was ready to die.
Before we go home he is taken to the hospital.
Yvonne has a photograph of Christ hanging on the door of her bedroom. ‘I always go to
the toilet in the night and I look at the photograph. This time, I saw light radiating from
Christ’s heart. When I got back into bed, I started to have my doubts. I could not believe
it. I went back and saw it again’. ‘Yvonne, you were able to see this because you raised
yourself up to the level of Christ’s consciousness. That is why this energy was visible to
you. It was just a reflection of yourself.’
Another woman shares: ‘I have learned about the simple things in life and I am able to
apply them immediately. I feel a different person.’
This she calls the simple things. Marvellous! None of the women were frightened to
forget anything. Nevertheless, I have ‘crammed in’ a great deal very quickly, even
more than ‘normal’. I left out the initiations and this saved me a lot of time. Their
sensitivity caused that they could take everything in very quickly. Here is no
resistance whatsoever.
This is so different to us westerners. I often have come across the fear of forgetting
things. How relieved everybody was with the user's handbook. These people do not
need a handbook. They follow the guidance of their hearts.
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Unrestricted and boundless
In the meantime Melvin knows that his body may not any better, but on the whole he
feels better in all respects. Healing is a much more spectacular event than we usually
realise. When I talk about healing, I am primarily talking about the healing of the soul.
Our inner healing forms the basis from which all the different layers of healing unfold.
And the body in all its slowness is at the end of this chain.
Becoming conscious and insight lead to letting go of numerous restrictions and bring
us back to our original divine state. We are in essence unrestricted and boundless.
Although in all probability we will lay off our physical body, the state of
consciousness, which we have acquired during our various lifetimes, determines the
course of our evolutionary process during our next rebirth.
Our only ‘illness’ is our separateness; they are the veils which we have unconsciously
put between the material dimension and our true reality. By awakening and pealing
off all these layers we see more and more who we really are and discover that there is
no difference between our self and the other person. That is wholeness.
Although it seems as if half of South Africa, yes, half of the world, will die from
natural disasters and illnesses such as AIDS, there is a divine plan of eternal
perfection behind all this. There is nothing wrong except our limited way of looking at
things. We refuse to see that there is more than the mortal and transitory nature of
things. Death unsettles us and so the highest aim of many healers and doctors is to
keep people alive at all costs. As if we are machines. As if this fraction of a second in
this body on this earth is all we are and all we have.
The lovely lotus emerges from the mud. We first have to demolish our temple right
down to the ground, before we can rebuild the new fundamental temple on our inner
foundations.
We conclude the course by sharing the food everybody has brought with them. There is
mango juice for us. Mpo is waking up; he looks around and climbs onto my lap without
hesitation. What a wonderful child!
Tired but fulfilled, we watch the video of Helen Martin from Nieu Bethesda and her
‘road to Mecca’. After a hot bath we go to bed around midnight. I feel happy and
extremely grateful for all those wonderful meetings, for that precious peace of work we
may leave behind.
* Monday 17 April
It is time for the wonderful daily tasks, like doing the washing, writing reports and
sending the last email. Heleen comes to pick us up at five o’clock in the afternoon and I
take on the role of a mediator between Heleen and her three lovely children, Huge, her
seventeen-year old son and Kimara and Sylvana, her fourteen-year old twins. The
children’s resistance soon disappears when they realise that I respect their opinion even
as much as their mother’s. I understand Heleen’s concern for her vulnerable daughters
very well, but her fear will attract precisely those things she is so frightened of. Trust,
openness and honesty with each other are the main ingredients for remaining a happy
family. This basis is deeply damaged, but has not disappeared completely. Soon there is
a breakthrough and we make some agreements. However difficult for Heleen, she
promises no longer to stop Kimara from going to stay at her aunt’s house. In addition,
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she allows herself to use her son as a mirror to see her own problems. She does not
want to walk away from them anymore. I feel impressed by the beauty and openness of
these young people. Such wisdom, such love! Eventually, we all have a good cuddle and
we go home feeling fantastic. Before we finally leave, we will make up the balance
together.
Let things flow
Because of our inherent fear of not having enough, we have the tendency to keep
everything we no longer need. We fill up our attics and create a shortage because we
are blocking the flow. It is important that we return things to the flow we no longer
need, so there will be enough for everybody. This principle does not only apply to
material things but we should apply it to the spiritual sphere as well. As we grow in
wisdom in the course of time, our spiritual attic can get pretty full. It is time to share
our abundance, so we keep the flow moving and make room for new impulses.
* Tuesday 18 April
It is Giri’s birthday today. We go to Johannesburg with Myriam. When we are walking
around the flea market, I realise I miss the liveliness you might expect to find in a city
like this. Most people who are selling their things are from outside South Africa. The
centre of the city is downright depressing. Once glorious, it is now a breeding ground
for crime and decline. We go to the Plaza. The security guards have pistols and machine
guns. We have some coffee and treat ourselves to something tasty to eat; after all, we
have something to celebrate today.
We go and see Helen in her RDP house. She is sitting outside on the ground with her
three-month old grandson and we go and sit next to her. I feel at home and completely
at one with her. I am giving the bottle to her little six-week old daughter, what a little
world-wonder she is. Helen dares to share that what I had picked up about her mother
during that first treatment in the course, was exactly right. Her stepfather is very
jealous of the contact between mother and daughter, so Helen has withdrawn herself
into her own world. Helen works and bears the responsibility for the whole family. She
is an optimist, and although she does not complain, I feel her hidden sadness.
In the evening, we drop in on Prudence, who is twenty-four years old. Her mother,
Ruth, is forty; she has full-blown AIDS and is in the last stage of the illness. Prudence
has just started her first paid job this week. This is a blessing; at least she is able to
provide for the material needs of her three younger sisters. Zandile, the youngest, is
nine years old today. Although I have only met Prudence once before, she is pleased to
see me. I embrace her and tell her that I love her. Then I give them all a cuddle and put
myself next to Ruth on the bed. I invite everybody to come onto the bed, and the little
ones are sitting in between my legs. While Giri and I try to relieve Ruth, who is in great
pain, I talk freely about life and death, about fear and walking away from it. Recently,
Prudence has been doing this every now and again. As a result, too much responsibility
has fallen on Paulien’s shoulders. Yet at the same time, it is very understandable and
nothing to be ashamed about.
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Angels
Together we do an exercise. We step into the centre of the fear; we look at it,
transform the fear and let go off it. Everybody, including Ruth, feels much lighter
afterwards. There is an enormous amount of light in this simple house. The little house
seems to be full of angels. When Ruth has become more relaxed, she wants to go to
sleep. We form a circle around her and we all sing her to sleep.
We sit in the kitchen for a while and I ask Zandile what she got for her birthday.
‘Nothing’, she says. ‘What would you really like to have?’ ‘A birthday cake’, is the
immediate reply. ‘Well then, tomorrow when you come out of school, we will be here
with a cake, okay?’ ‘And now off to bed!’ Two radiant little faces, with their clothes on,
dive into the bed next with their dying mother. I give them a last cuddle and hold
Prudence in my arms for a while. She feels relieved, now she has dared to share.
According to the beautiful sixteen-year old Paulien, it is special to cuddle an angel. Oh,
sweetheart, if you only knew how much this angel loves you!
A golden gift
My tiredness has disappeared. There is a golden gift in my heart. Life is very simple
among people who do not allow themselves to be indoctrinated by all kinds of
prejudices, preconceived ideas and material values.
Live takes place in the here and now. When death is constantly knocking on your
door, there is no point fooling yourself and playing games. Death creates honesty. On
the other hand, Ruth is still here and tomorrow, well we will see what tomorrow
brings. Why should we look ahead and worry about something that is inevitable and
spoil the joy of this last period of being together?
Sister Leila has arrived at the convent. Wonderful, Leila brings lightness with her. We
dance through the room together. ‘You are very beautiful’, I tell her. ‘Isn’t everybody
beautiful?’ ‘Certainly, but not everybody knows it’, I reply! We roar with laughter.
The same bird keeps tapping on our windowpane, again and again, tirelessly. What do
you want to tell me? It is cold, and rain is in the air. This morning Nico, the group
leader of the AIDS Awareness course, comes along with his sister and two other
women. Together they form a prayer group. Nico tells us honestly that he was shocked
when he saw me at work. It could not be that simple. He wondered whether it came
from God or from the devil. Yet, he concluded that what I did was good. It represented
the essence of everything, pure love and pure simplicity.
We work together in all openness for four hours. I use the animal cards I made myself
to make them aware of their hidden qualities. Once again, I feel amazed by the honesty
and the hunger to take in new things. The wisdom is there, I do not have to teach them
anything. They only peel themselves off, layer by layer.
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Becoming aware
The essence is the same as always. Everything that happens to you, you helped to
create yourself. The first step on the path to healing is becoming aware and taking full
responsibility for your part in this creation, without any judgement, feelings of guilt
or sense of duty. The only free will we have is the way we deal with the different
situations in which we live. Let us stop wanting to save the world and let us start by
liberating ourselves. When we have done that, our freedom will form the basis for
liberating the world, all its creatures and the whole of humanity.
Questions follow about the devil. My answer is that the devil does not exist. ‘You can
say that but there is always one on my left-hand side’. ‘Can’t you take the responsibility
that you have created it yourself?’ Utter astonishment. ‘How then?’ ‘By creating a shape
to your own fear and as you were brought up as a Catholic, the devil is part of your
belief system’. They stare at me in disbelieve and amazement. After connecting with
their hidden fear and the letting go of it, they feel enormously relieved.
Nico has supplemented the Lifeline concept, the AIDS Awareness Project with the
Uganda model. This construction does not try to stick plasters on open wounds by
recommending condoms as a possible solution but goes more to the essence, more to
the divine plan.
Self-respect
Condoms are not a solution. It is not normal to have sex with everybody, although you
might believe this if you watch a lot of television. We should be giving our young
people a foundation based on a sense of self-esteem and self-respect. We should be
teaching them that they are absolutely perfect and fine the way they are.
AIDS weaves a network of love
Apart from the fact that AIDS has a different background compared to the Western
world, we cannot prevent many people from dying of this terrible disease. We have
called a stop to the plague but have created something worse than that. From the
perspective of our material world, it is an unmitigated disaster. Viewed from another
perspective, I see a different picture. I see that AIDS gives healing, spiritual healing. I
see the light; I see the true nature of human beings right down to the very depth of
their being, the eternal flame, which will burn forever.
Black, coloured, white, or Indian; AIDS is weaving a network of awareness, insight
and healing throughout South Africa and over the entire world. AIDS brings people
together. It can no longer be denied that we have to give each other a helping hand.
People open their hearts because there is no tomorrow, no future any more. There is
only this one moment and it must be lived to the full. That is what it is. There is
nothing more than this one moment. When we fully realise this and are able to live it,
we create a wonderful new future, in which diseases such as AIDS no longer have any
right to exist.
None of us likes to break the circle and we stay together until the very last moment. We
enjoy each other. It is wonderful to be together in this way and to share things with
each other. It is wonderful to be able to share when people are so receptive.
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Saying goodbye
Happy and relieved they say goodbye. Life is a wonderful game, an endless game of
‘discovery’ and ‘revelation’.
We go to the supermarket in Geluksdal. We buy a birthday cake, some fruit juice and
other tasty things for Zandile’s party. Our bag is full of little surprises. Stones with a
healing effect, rainbow-eyes for everyone, coloured pencils, which have been round the
whole world and for the sixteen-year-old Paulien, my special pouch that I always take
with me when travelling. For a brief moment, it was difficult to let go of it. Anyhow you
do not give something because you want to get rid of it and once the decision is made, I
immediately let go of the attachment. Every once and again this creates a bit more
space.
What will happen with all those thousands of children who will lose their mothers in
the next few years? I must not think ahead now. Solutions will come, which I cannot
foresee right now. Everything will unfold according to the divine plan. It requires the
willingness to believe in at and to have totally faith.
It looks, as Ruth does not have much time left. In the afternoon, aunt Mathilda comes
in as a ministering angel to offer her help. Her son was shot dead, but she has not been
stuck in her grief. Life just goes on. There is no beginning and no end.
Three neighbours are taking care of Ruth. Ruth introduces us as her friends from
Holland. The ice is soon broken and we get a hug. They are touched by all of this, who
would not be? It touches me how caring the women are. The reality is that many
children will grow up without a mother. This is a downright disaster in a culture where
the family and family ties have such an important place.
We say goodbye for the moment. We will come back before we go home. It is nice to
know that the burden on Prudence and Paulien has become a bit lighter. From now on,
somebody will be there when the little ones come home from school.
We drive back home. There is a cloudburst. Within no time, the streets, both the
surfaced and the dirt roads, change into rivers. It is unbelievable. Nobody gets annoyed
or makes a fuss. You just learn to live with what there is. I feel at home on the street,
sometimes we see people staring at us and I realise that to them we are the wonders of
the world, with our white faces.
Sister Leila shows us the results of her creative workshops with women. It is our own
Dutch Royal Navy, who sponsors this beautiful project. They can be proud of the
results. They would probably be just as amazed as we are by the unbelievable richness,
which lives within these women; many of them carry the burden of a most horrific past.
The stake
Leila shows me a photo of the beautiful Rozy and her lovely baby. Her husband had
AIDS and went to a natural healer. This man was unable to help him and proclaimed
that her husband was bewitched. They burned him at the stake. Later on, another
man raped the same Rozy. The baby on the photograph who died was the result. It is
not a surprise that Rozy is HIV positive.
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The weather is so atrocious that the youth group decided to postpone the consecration
ceremony for the new youth house. Most of the streets have become impassable. That
suits me I am feeling miserable.
* Thursday 20 April – Maundy Thursday
After a hot bath, I slept well last night. Sister Reina has regained her strength. Well
done Reina, this makes me happy.
At eleven o’clock in the morning, Giri and I go to Tsakane to give a healing session
during the AIDS Awareness course for youngsters. This time there are only five
participants, Pricella’s homosexual friends. However, including the youth group, there
are eighteen of us in total. What a challenge to be here at work in this terrible place. We
start the session by forming a circle and do some physical exercises as a warming-up to
sing, to meditate and to share. At the end, they sing their gospel songs for us. What a
lovely end to the session. The room seems totally transformed and the young people
respond open and enthusiastic.
I feel more and more at home in Tsakane and Geluksdal. I enjoy the people on the
street. When we are on our way to Helen’s to invite her to the service this afternoon in
the sister-house, we meet three little girls on the street. The youngest tells us
enthusiastically that she is three today. We immediately reward this by giving her a
rainbow-eye. Just to watch her little radiant face is a real enjoyment. Children are easily
to be pleased here.
I feel dirty after working with the group. I have a shower, wash my clothes and put on
my new skirt. The service for Maundy Thursday starts at four o’clock this afternoon. We
decorate the chapel and lay the table. In the end, all together we are with twelve, more
than half I know already. Leila leads the service. She puts the wrong tape into the
cassette player three times in a row. I am unable to stop myself from laughing any
longer and we all burst out laughing, how wonderful!
After the service, there is a get-together. Everybody brings along something to eat or
to drink and it is part of the celebration to share it all.
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THE MIDLANDS AND DURBAN
‘Only the meek of heart will discover the truth.’
* Friday 21 April – Good Friday
It is a miserable rainy day and I slept badly last night. We say goodbye to the nuns and
leave for Durban at about half past seven. If we had not followed Leila’s directions, we
would not be stuck for hours in a traffic jam just past Heidelburg. We decide to turn
back and to take the alternative route and that turns out to be a good decision. The
gears of our car are still giving us problems and it is worse today than it has been. The
garages are closed because it is Good Friday. So all we can do is to pray and to drive
very slowly!
We do some shopping in an overcrowded supermarket. A white disabled man looks
after our car. He does not feel a victim and bears his disability with pride. We have to
stand in the queue to pay for our shopping. I open my bag of corn chips and shake
hands with the lovely black man behind us. He is radiant without even saying a word
and we enjoy the lovely chips together. These small things give me joy.
We stop for coffee in Lady Smith and find a place to stay overnight at a farm called
‘Fonteindale’, just before Colenso. It is a lovely place, where the water comes from
underground springs. We explore the large estate before it gets dark. Later on, we sit
comfortably with Mark, the owner round an open fire. Mark shares his worries. Over
the last few years white farmers have been shot dead on a regular basis in this area and
the situation in Zimbabwe will certainly make this situation worse. Two of his
employees have left to work into the city because they did not earn enough. I reply
cautiously that I also think that they do not earn enough. This is how it has always
been, and they get two sacks of cornmeal every month, which is enough for the whole
family to live on. I wonder whether Mark would like to live on just cornmeal!
Sharing your abundance
Let us share what we have in abundance. Let us not be afraid of tomorrow. There is
enough for everybody and nobody on this planet needs to be hungry if we would just
stop scraping this planet. We take too much and they have too little. When we share, it
does not become less, quite the opposite; it will multiply many times. Do not say that
you have nothing to share. We always have something to share. We have our smile,
our prayers, our friendliness and our helpfulness. On the other hand, if we forget that
we have something to share, we behave like that white beggar with the notice around
his neck. We have forgotten who we really are.
The death rate from AIDS is the highest of all here in Kwazulu Natal. Hardly any
children are born ‘clean’. Nature does its work and reduces the overpopulation. A whole
colony of vultures lives on Mark’s land. How symbolic! Vultures represent death and
rebirth. These enormous birds are spectacular and impressive. Mark breeds crocodiles
as a hobby and likes hunting. He proudly shows us photographs of his trophies, all shot
on his own land. I am able to look at them without feeling sick. This is a complete
change in me.
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Deserted
Many small settlements are deserted. If the people who used to live in the huts died of
AIDS or other contagious diseases, they will not use them again.
Mark used to be in the army, which was trained to oppress any ‘black uprisings straight
away'. ‘You must have been extremely frightened of the black majority’, I comment.
Mark denies this. ‘Dear Mark, why would you get yourself trained to put down
something, why would you want to suppress if you weren’t frightened.’ Well, he does
not really know the answer to that one.
Mark had his land treated by a local medicine man. Since that ceremony, he felt much
safer and no more livestock was stolen anymore. Like many others, his workers do not
live on his property, so they have to walk for miles to get to work. They do all this on
just cornmeal.
* Saturday 22 April – Easter Saturday
It is glorious weather. We get up early for a walk and drink ‘rooibos’ (red bush) tea by
the lake. Mark is still asleep and we leave without seeing him. Giri spots a garage in
Colenso which amazingly enough is open today. A wonderful Indian man at the garage
takes the car for a test drive and discovers that it does not seem to be as bad as he
thought. He fiddles about under the bonnet and at that precise moment, I know that
the problems are solved. That is true, from that moment on our car changes gear
fantastically. What a relief.
God sends his angels
Faith is one of my strongest qualities. Sometimes there is not enough belief to make
the miracle happen. At those moments, God sends his angels to finish the job for us.
Further, on our way to Rosetta, we find a wonderful coffee shop near a river. It is that
kind of spot where you can drift away in oblivion and I have difficulty pulling myself
away from it. Anyhow, it is extremely busy during this Easter weekend and we need to
find a place to stay overnight. A lot of art is created here in the lovely Midlands. That is
not at all surprising. The energy here feels right for it. We stop near a dilapidated
watermill on the same river. Unfortunately, both houses are fully booked for the whole
weekend. So we decide to carry on driving to the coast and to save this spot for our
return journey. I enjoy the street life, the donkeys, and the women in their magnificent
clothes, and the ceremonies. Just before we get to Durban, we drive through the Indian
districts, which look run down and gloomy. It is dark when we arrive in Durban. We
find simple lodgings for the night. Sitting on the terrace, tired but relaxed, we allow
ourselves to drift away to the sounds and the smell of the sea.
Blacker than black
Mark was extremely negative about Durban. ‘Blacker than black, for goodness sake
stay away from that city, you will certainly be robbed there’. The mechanic’s opinion
was just the opposite: ‘nice, yes it is quite nice. Of course, you would be stupid to walk
through certain districts. It is best not to go into the city when it is dark. It is a
question of using your common sense’. Totally different opinions, given by two people
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practically living in the same place. How can we expect all of us to be the same?
Fortunately, that is not the case. If it were, there would be very few things left to find
out and to form your own opinion about. There would be nothing to investigate;
everything would be the same, dull and colourless.
Embodiment of Christ
There is an Afrikaans prayer book on my bedside table. The following text is under my
date of birth:
‘I dissociate myself from what has been
and reach out towards what is ahead of me.
(Philip)
Under the heading: what I have set myself as my aim in this lifetime, I read the
following simple sentence, which moves me deeply:
It is your highest aim to become like Christ as much as possible.
How true this feels. The time is ripe for it to happen and not just for me. The heart of
humanity is opening up to it. The Christ in each one of us can awaken now.
* Sunday 23 April – Easter Sunday
We slept very well and get up early and so we are on the beach before seven o’clock. We
meditate in the dunes and go for a brisk walk along the beach. Both white and Indian
people are here, it seems as if they have their own patch of beach. Hardly any black
people are been seen here. I know from experience that they do not like water. It is
about half past ten when we get back to our lodgings, tired and sweaty. We have a
shower and go into town, to the large market, which used to be the Indian market. Now,
the only people you see here are blacks and it seems that Mark is right, the atmosphere
is very unpleasant. It is difficult to make contact and I feel a lot of distrust. Back in the
car, we drive to the beach. We go right to the Bazaar where we find the atmosphere we
are looking for. There are many Indians in this city. They came to South Africa as
contract workers and after five years they were given the choice to stay here or to go
back to India, their native country. Most of them decided to stay and they have built up
successful careers. The fact is that they work for less money and as a result, they are not
all too popular. The whites do not like them because they are rivals, and the blacks do
not like them because they do not give up their independence.
Ghandi
In 1893, there was a young lawyer amongst the immigrants, Mahatma Gandhi. He
bought a first-class train ticket to Johannesburg. He was forced to get off the train
because he was not white. He spent a cold night in the waiting room for non-whites in
Pietermaritzburg. This major event was important to Gandhi and to the whole world.
He lived in Natal for twenty-one years to help the growing Indian community in
South Africa. During that time, he developed his ideas about non-violent resistance,
which he would put into practice some years later in his homeland, India. His violent
death shocked the whole world and up until today, he is honoured and respected as a
saint.
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There are still a few rickshaws from days gone by and various stalls with clothes and
jewellery, real inferior Indian quality. You will never find this anywhere else in South
Africa. Everywhere they are playing music. Before I know it, I am dancing with a black
man in the middle of a circle of black people. Applause, the audience enjoys this. Not
only that, at the end a few of them come up to shake hands and thank me. Seemingly
these things are significant, and here they are of great importance. It gives people the
feeling they are really seen and accepted as they are.
Being seen
Being seen is important and not only for black people. Being seen as we really are is
something every soul is longing for. Being seen without all those projections, all those
pictures we have already formed before we have even met somebody. Our
preconceived ideas make it impossible for us to see who that person in essence is.
* Monday 24 April – Easter Monday
Early in the morning, we go down to the sea. It is cloudy but the water is warmer than
yesterday. It was stupid to forget our swimming costumes. Normally, it would not
bother me to swim without clothes or in my underwear. People here do not like this and
I prefer to follow the rules of this country. It is simply a question of respect and for me
this is real freedom. So we confine ourselves to having a paddle. We feel that we do not
have to stay in Durban any longer. It is clear to us; Durban is not the place we would
like to live.
We leave at about ten o’clock, do some shopping in Pietermaritzburg and find a most
charming coffee shop combined with an art gallery. They sell local art, all made by
women from this area. You can feel how carefully everything is looked after. It is nice to
share our impression with the owner and to buy some nice things to support these
beautiful women and their art.
At about four o’clock, we find a lovely place at a farmhouse in the Midlands. While I am
unpacking and making a pot of tea, I do this with an ambivalent feeling. I just know
that we should not stay here. After having gone for a walk I still have this feeling and so
there is only one thing to do, and that is to leave. Back to the old watermill, we found on
the way to Durban. The mill house is available tonight and if we want to stay for
another night we can stay in the other cottage. What a pleasant surprise! My agitation
disappears immediately; everything is all right again. I feel completely at home, while
our host makes a lovely fire in the open fireplace. It is so peaceful here, so wonderful to
sit by the water and just to listen to the murmur of the waterfall.
Inner preparation
However strange this may sound, I feel that in one way or another I am making inner
preparations to go back to the Netherlands.
* Tuesday 25 April
What a lovely night’s sleep. We eat some fruit by the waterfall and enjoy the peace and
quiet. After a nice walk with some playful dogs, we move our things over to the other
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cottage. Although it does not have the same character as the windmill, it is just another
beautiful spot. On our way to Howick we are stopping off at an herb nursery where we
drink a coffee and have some wonderful encounters with the owner and her lovely
mother-in-law. Also here, you will find everything secured and guarded. Nobody sleeps
with open windows. What a tragedy! According to Nancy, it is understandable to steal if
you are hungry, but to kill people, no she cannot understand that. ‘Why should you kill
somebody if you want to steal a car?’ A few weeks ago, they murdered a good friend of
theirs. His wife and small children are left behind, how sad. You would not expect this
to happen here. Nancy is inherently whole and feels compassion towards everybody
who suffers from the consequences of unemployment, apartheid, AIDS and other
terrible things. ‘We have never known how many there are’, she says. ‘The government
is really doing its best, but it is impossible to get rid of that entire backlog in one go. It
takes time’.
I feel her sadness. Last week, their Labrador walked into a trap set by native people to
catch game. He had such a painful death. ‘It was so sad, we cried all week long.’ Nancy
makes soft toys for children who never had toys before. I set myself next to her and put
my arms around her. For a moment, we just share all the sorrow that makes living in
the material dimension so hard sometimes. We leave several rainbow-eyes behind.
They are wildly enthusiastic!
In Howick, we are back in a touristy area. Yet, the walk to the waterfall is certainly
worth it. What a wonderful reflection all those dozens of rainbows are making at the
foot of the waterfall.
The Midlands feels like paradise to me. There is space, creativity and beauty, and not to
mention the sacred stillness. In addition, this region is greener and more fertile than
the Karoo. Many handmade products come from here. This is not surprising, even the
air is inspiring.
Once back in the cottage, it is wonderful to light the fire and to stare into the flames. A
bat flies around my head and lands on my shoulder. This has never happened before.
Death and rebirth
In the Indian tradition, the bat represents death and rebirth. What is there inside of
me that is preparing to die and what wants to be reborn again?
I have an incredible pain in my back there where my left kidney is. I can barely sit still
or lie down. It is quite different to anything I have ever experienced before. What is still
going on in this body of mine? However, I am confident and I know with heartfelt
certainty that everything will be all right.
Considering my body and its limitations, I did not sleep too badly last night. We drink
tea by the waterfall and say goodbye to this lovely place, which has become so dear to
both of us. Off to Drakensbergen, were we have some coffee in Rozetta at the same
charming place on the river. Something seems to have happened. Barbed wire has been
put up on top of the fencing here as well. What a shame. We pass through Escourt
where the weekly market is taking place. It is just for the locals, nothing for tourists.
Everything imaginable is sold here, from vegetables to chickens and goats. There is also
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a covered ‘café’. I am in my element and I have a little chat with various people. Not
many people speak English here, yet that is of no importance at all.
When we take the Champagne Piek exit, we soon find out that there are no vacancies
here either. All of a sudden, I am in a foul mood. My body is very painful and I get the
feeling that we are just ‘passing’ the time. I feel I am done here; I am ready to go home.
It is a pity that Geluksdal is just not that home. When we eventually find a place for the
night and take a walk along a short route in the national park, I am still able to enjoy it
and for a while, we sit daydreaming by the waterfall and the river. Although it is lovely
here, somehow I do not feel really at home. There is too much unrest in this area, which
is directly on the border with Lesotho.
It feels as if I have bruised my ribs. It is difficult for me to breath. Perhaps it is a
delayed reaction to the fall I made in the Magalies Mountains.
Last night, I dreamt I came from the stars.
* Thursday 27 April
At about eight o’clock, we set off for the park. It has rained an awful lot last night and
when we reach the Drakensbergen (Dragon Mountains), the whole area is covered in
fog again. This is madness, so we have to let go. We turn the car round, drive to the
Royal National Park and go past a Zulu art gallery. A small group of children are
dancing outside and they make a charming picture. What a pity they lose their natural
behaviour as soon as they are aware we are looking at them.
Next, we pass a weaving mill with a black woman in charge. They make lovely clothes
but there is a terrible atmosphere. A security guard with a machine gun stands in front
of the door. The girls who are spinning outside certainly do not look at all happy. No, I
do not want to buy anything here. This woman earns her money at the expense of her
female workers, disgraceful!
Once we are in the park, we walk along the ‘Devils Head’ trail. It might be because of
the name that we are the only ones on this track. The atmosphere feels better, I enjoy
the walk and especially the last part which turns out not to be part of the walk. This is
when it really becomes my kind of walk. I do not like well-beaten tracks at all! We drive
on to Harrismith. I am not worried, even though we have been told we are unlikely to
find a place for the night. At the Rietvlei Dam, the very last possibility before
Harrismith, somebody just cancelled a chalet. As always, we are well looked after.
* Friday 28 April
We drink tea in front of an open fire having a magnificent view of the lake and at the
Drakensbergen. What else could you wish for? The terrible pain has gone and I can
breathe freely again. It went away just as suddenly as it came up.
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Trust
Whatever happens, deep inside the trust is always there that everything will turn out
all right. And so it did.
Even though we are only able to stay for one night at this beautiful spot, it is just that
extra gift we needed. Since the sky has been full of snow for several days now, it is too
cold to go for a morning walk.
With hearts full of thankfulness, we leave the beautiful landscape of the Midlands and
the Drakensbergen behind us. We would like to spend a few days with Kate in
Mamelodi, but we are unable to contact her. Because we cannot find any decent places
to stay, we decide to spend the night in our own bed in Geluksdal.
Myriam is pleasantly surprised to see us, yet she looks very tired. Melanie, who we met
on the course, has come to take care of the house as Myriam is leaving tomorrow. She
does not look very well either. While Myriam packs her suitcase, I give Melanie a
treatment. I come up against a load of aggression, which must be something to do with
her partner and this gives rise to an openhearted and honest chat.
After Melanie has gone to bed so much lighter, it is Myriam’s turn. Myriam cannot
contain herself. She has been alone all this week. No, this is not a good place to stay on
your own. Myriam is leaving for Zimbabwe tomorrow. The situation there seems to
have stabilised more or less. It is significant that emotions have run so high. Nature is
only an external reflection of our inner emotions. It all started with the terrible floods
and now there is this witch-hunt for white farmers.
The weather and our emotions
Yes, even the weather is a reaction to our being. When it thunders in South Africa, it
happens suddenly from one minute to the other. You hardly feel it coming. Lightning
alternates with loud thunderclaps with an astounding rapidity. It stops just as
suddenly. This happens with people too. You do not see anything on the outside.
Suddenly there is that knife, that deadly pistol. It has all ‘happened’ within a few
minutes. There is a huge commotion for a short while, but nearly immediately, life
continues on its normal course again. Nothing is held onto for very long.
In the Netherlands, you can feel it ‘brewing’ for days. Then it can be rumbling away in
the distance for hours and sometimes even days. Sometimes the thunderstorm breaks
but it is rarely violent. It continues to brew afterwards; it has not worn itself out at
all. It continues to simmer away like dynamite beneath the surface. We undoubtedly
recognise this process, if it is not within ourselves then certainly in our surroundings.
* Saturday 29 April
At about seven o’clock, we are waving goodbye to Myriam. She is feeling a lot better
after the treatment yesterday and a good night’s sleep. We are joking about intuition
and trust. She looks at me incredulously yet curiously. She knows that somehow it must
be possible, at the same time she is still afraid to trust her intuition completely and to
leave deprived of all the fuss and bother and without the paperwork.
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Sudden there follows an intense conversation with Melanie. She looks ten years
younger. We talk about differences between various cultures and about the loneliness of
single parents. This is a huge challenge in this culture. Melanie has not seen her mother
and two of her three children for a year now. How painful! There are some differences
between the black and coloured communities. Men in coloured communities drink a lot
and leave their women to do many things. Yet, they are more willing to do tasks
themselves than in the black culture, where by tradition the men leave the heavy work
to the women. This is certainly still true in the countryside. The heavy loads women
carry on their heads, such as wood and drinking water, are enormous and sometimes
they walk for hours with these loads on their heads. It is not surprisingly that the
younger generation does not want things to be like this any more and rebels against it
in all sorts of ways.
Question of guilt
A black priest complains that the churches are maintaining apartheid. There are still
two churches in each community, the white and the black. He is right. It is easy to put
the ‘question of guilt’ outside yourself. Abolition of apartheid is a process that takes
place in each one of us. In order to bridge this gap, we first have to bridge this gap
within ourselves.
Therefore, dear man: improve the world by starting to give shape to your ideas in your
own parish. Once you have changed that aspect you want to see differently within
yourself, you will see that it is the beginning of a total change.
Instead of wanting to be equal and to create equal rights for everybody, it is important
that we realise and dare to accept that there are enormous internal and external
differences and outlooks. We are different and express ourselves differently, even
though we are all essentially the same. Accepting and respecting this ‘being different’ as
a fact, forms an excellent basis for multilateral cooperation enabling South Africa to
grow into a true rainbow nation.
Ultimately, apartheid is not an issue between white and black, the root of this is in each
of us. Without wanting to justify, I am starting to see that in certain sense apartheid is a
consequence of the constrained search for a society in which everybody could have their
place and could keep their individuality. The fact certain rules were associated with
this, which were not at all friendly for black or coloured people, was undoubtedly based
on fear; the white person’s fear of being taken over by the black and coloured majority.
I have seen with my own eyes that black bosses are more feared by their subordinates
than white bosses, a phenomenon, which we also came across elsewhere, for example in
Indonesia. When people get power, they often seem to practise what they have rejected
so strongly in others. Actually, this is not so crazy if we consider that we are each
other’s mirrors and reject what we do not dare to look at inside ourselves.
Taking responsibility
Taking responsibility for your own situation, realising that we have created it
ourselves, without any feelings of guilt or judgement, is necessary to achieve
cooperation, teamwork, and a society based on diversity, a multicoloured population
and mutual respect.
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However strange it may sound, AIDS is the main reason for boundaries are coming
down between the various cultures and different ways of thinking. AIDS and the
degree to which it is spreading is so terrifyingly present that it is no longer possible to
ignore it. Cooperation is the only answer not to combat the disease yet to provide
optimal support.
We leave the town and drive along all sorts of back roads to Mamelodi. While stopping
off to have a coffee at an expensive motorway cafe, we have a spontaneous and open
chat with the beautiful waiter. We cannot find him when we go so we leave the money
on the table. Just as we drive away, he comes running up to us. He wants to thank us
personally and say goodbye to us.
We give a woman and her small son a lift. She is on her way to meet her husband, who
works further away, so they can spend the weekend together. This is a real luxury! She
is very grateful for the lift.
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FAREWELL TO MAMELODI
‘Freedom is letting go of the veils of illusion, ignorance and separateness’.
Kate is not at home when we arrive at her house. The house is full of people we have
never seen before. Inside the room, a bridal couple, Pule and Lydia, are waiting for a
sign to leave for the reception hall. Peter and Oema drop in. Thank goodness, we are in
the right house after all! Oema introduces us to everyone and soon after, we all pile into
three cars and drive to the place of destination. There we drive round the block three
times; this is part of the ceremony. Dancing and singing women welcome the couple.
While watching all of this, somebody throws her arms around my neck. It is VIP Kate,
she is the head chef for the feast. Looking at each other, we start laughing and hugging
as happy and enthusiastic as little children. The whole community is looking with
curiosity. It is not every day you get to see white people who appear to be a part of the
family. Even though we are the guests of honour, I refuse to sit at the main table, which
is a bit too much for me. Kate is pleased I have my camera with me and I have to take
several lovely photos for all of us. I propose a toast to the bridal couple, however, the
cork is not coming out easily and the champagne does not flow very well. Then the real
party starts, all the eating and the drinking. Unfortunately, this is the only thing most of
the guests are interested in. The men manage to separate themselves before the food is
served and are already drinking beer. This is undoubtedly one of the traditions, which
needs to be looked at anew. Anyhow, the food is delicious; you can taste Kate’s expert
touch. While talking to several women, I enjoy myself very much. This is mutual,
especially when they see how easily I move to their music. I chat to and cuddle the
children, while telling them they are beautiful. They also think that of me. ‘Mum a
mulungu (white person)’. I chuckle. There must be many different ‘swear words’ for
white people. We end up in the kitchen and when Kate has collected all her things
together, we go home. Some of the men are already quite drunk. I wonder what the
bride and groom are getting out of all this. They do not appear to be enjoying
themselves.
Feeling sad
Later on, I discover that the bride must be feeling sad herself. According to the
tradition, she has to show the outside world that it is hard for her to leave her family
behind.
Kate introduces us to Salomon, Oema’s father and Kate’s first lover. His beauty, his
softness and his energy amaze me. For the first time and without diffidence we are
talking about Kate her ‘men’. She has never been married, not even to her son’s father.
She has a good relationship with Salomon and although he is married, he supported her
throughout Oema’s upbringing. His relationship with Oema seems good. It is nice to
hear that this is possible also.
Sepp and his girlfriend Lucia come home with us. Sepp turns the television on as soon
as we get in. I ask if this is necessary. He admits that it is a bad habit and goes into the
kitchen to get some drinks. While he is doing this, I turn off the television and hide the
remote control. Sepp is a bit ceased off. He wants to watch a film. I tell him to watch it
in Kate’s bedroom. I feel a bit uneasy because I am interfering, but I dare to do it
knowingly that Kate undoubtedly will support me.
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Kate tells me that she understood my last ‘message’. She and Olga have sorted out their
clothes and have passed on what they no longer needed. I feel touched that I am not the
only one sharing everything without resistance, Kate is also willing to look at herself
too. When I told her last time she had spoilt her children, I touched a sore point and
she denied it immediately. A bit later on she came back on this observation herself and
said I was right.
Ruth drops in; enthusiastic kisses, countless embraces and lots of warmth. She brings
some gifts for Giri and me from her mother, Gail, in Soweto. It is far too much as we
have already a suitcase full of presents. Ruth says that I do not realise how important
our ‘being’ has been here in Mamelodi and in Soweto. We accept the lovely gifts with
open hearts.
We take Sepp and Lucia part of their way home. That is a custom here and we enjoy
doing it immensely. We are going to miss you, Sepp says. ‘Well Sepp, when you see
Venus in the sky, then you know that we are connected’.
After giving Ruth a treatment, Kate ‘demands’ her last one. Once again I am surprised
how completely receptive she is. Then Ali drops in. Within five minutes, he has taken
control of all the energy. Does he realise how macho he is? I am sure he would be
shocked if he did.
Space
I take Kate to her bedroom. She just plops herself down on the toilet without being
embarrassed. I chuckle to myself. It is unbelievable how much space this woman has
and she reflects how much space I have myself. I feel totally at home, whereas I still
feel like a visitor at Myriam’s. The children are at grandmas and the house is lovely
and quiet. While we are lying in bed, the conversation just continues, ‘I love you’. ‘I
love you too, sweet dreams’. I feel profoundly happy and eternally grateful. It has
been another wonderful day.
* Sunday 30 April
Today is the ninety-first birthday of her Royal Highness Princess Juliana (mother of
Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands). It would also have been my father’s ninety-first
birthday, if he had not been killed in a motorbike accident years ago. Since then I have
managed to deal with the unbearable pain this has caused. I am healed, I have become
an adult. I feel that he would be pleased with his daughter. That she is living the way he
was never able to. Yes, without any doubt I have my gypsy blood from him: ‘Thank you
dad for your love and your light. I feel you have come home after a long time. I enjoy
your invisible presence, as I know you enjoy mine. We are one, you and me’.
We lie comfortably in Kate’s bed, and together we watch the Sunday morning television
programme. After the gospels, there is an interesting programme about the differences
between religions. Halfway through, Sepp drops in, Kate wriggles out of her bed and
within no time, the whole family is painting the pavement. It is a delightful picture, this
teamwork. I confine myself to the ‘inspection’ and making tea and breakfast. When it is
time, we say goodbye. Although they find it difficult we are leaving, they resume the
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work even before our car has disappeared round the corner. Great! Living in the here
and now means that you achieve quality. And quality that is what life is in this house.
A rebel
In this respect, Kate is also a rebel. It displays courage to have white people in your
house, and even more to openly admit that you consider yourself sisters. At least it has
the whole of Mamelodi thinking.
I remember our communal church service in the Methodist church. A week later, I
asked Kate whether she was going to church, knowing it was important for her, yes, a
weekly ritual. ‘Why should I?’ she said in all her innocence. ‘You have shown to me
that God is everywhere, so I might just as well be here and do the things I have to do’.
Because I only had a few copies of the English version, I lent her my book 'Way to the
Light'. She refuses to give the book back and is studying it from the beginning to the
end.
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FINAL STAGE
‘Each link in the chain is equally precious.’
We drive back along the same alternative route and do not really feel like going back to
Geluksdal which in comparison is so colourless. We stop at an enchanting little shop,
were they sell local handiwork. The atmosphere feels good even before setting a foot
inside. The encounter with Ada behind the counter is lovely. For the umpteenth time it
‘costs’ me a hug as well as a rainbow-eye. I never before have hugged women in shops
and on the street as freely as I do here in South Africa.
Because of this stop, we feel like driving back to Geluksdal. Nobody is home. We will
look after this house until we leave for the Netherlands. We are now the only white
residents in Geluksdal, Tsakane, Langevile and the surrounding districts. I feel
completely at home and safe. It feels good to finish things off here together. The sun
cautiously breaks through the clouds. Winter is earlier than ‘normal’, yet what is
normal nowadays? The amount of rain over the last few months is certainly not normal.
Even if it is still nice and warm during the day, at this altitude it can be extremely chilly
during the night.
* Monday 1 May – May Day
It is a glorious day, so we get up early and hang out our washing. We are going to do
some shopping in Boksburg and have the last photographs developed. Estranged I walk
through Pick and Pay, what a horrible place. Alleluia, long lives this fake world, long
lives the fake security.
An enormous thunderstorm breaks out. Fortunately, it is only a local storm. Coming
home we prepare everything for the reunion this afternoon. Melanie drops by at two
o’clock. She is restless and does not expect many people to show up. Surely enough, this
turns out to be true. The group from Tsakane does not have any form of transport, we
did not hear the telephone ring and so we were unable to pick them up. Undoubtedly
there is a reason for this and so it is perfect as it is. While sitting in the sun, we drink
tea and share our experiences. Everyone feels reborn and changed after the workshop
and that is clearly visible. When it is Monica’s turn, she shares she forgot that she
actually not wanted to get angry this morning. She was angry with her son, who has
stolen things from the house for the umpteenth time. She was furious and told him that
he could quietly ‘rot away’ with his drug addiction; she did not want him to come into
the house any more. She even went to the police.
Love is daring to say no
I tell her that love does not mean that you just have to accept everything. On the
contrary, it is very loving to indicate your boundaries and to respect them. If you dare
to say ‘no’ at the right time, you will also have the space to say a well-meant ‘yes’.
One thing leads to another. Dorien tells us about her twenty-one year old twins who
keep on coming home drunk in the middle of the night, making a lot of noise and
putting the television on, so Melvin and she cannot sleep. They are lazy and spoil the
atmosphere, do absolutely nothing round the house and do not want to leave either.
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Melvin confirms this. According to him, the only solution is to put a bullet through their
stubborn heads. Although he admits that this is a joke, they use this method almost
daily here. I emphasise that it is not a solution. However, as long as Dorien and Melvin
have the feeling they are to blame for this situation, these little darlings will continue to
go over their boundaries. ‘The energy we give out is tangible and feelings of guilt are
fatal. As long as you don’t dare to take a clear standpoint, their attitude won’t change.’
They know this all too well.
Babies
Parents treat most boys like babies. They do not have to do anything and are taken
care of until they decide to leave home. For goodness sake how will they ever be able
to stand on their own two feet and make their contribution to a more equal society, a
more equal bond between man and woman, between black, coloured and white, if
their parents do not break this fatal pattern?
Yvonne says that she kicked her daughter out of her house two years ago because she
did not want to argue anymore. Her daughter has come back and by now she respects
the rules of the house.
Then Melanie tells everybody why she is so obstinate. For several days, she has been
haunted by the same horrible dream about a snake and in her culture, this means
disaster. I share the meaning of the snake with her. The snake is the symbol of
transformation, of total change and complete healing. The snake has to shed its old skin
before being able to grow a new one. In other words, symbolically it is leaving the past
behind and to start all over again. ‘Why do you think doctors have a double snake as
their symbol?’
This is an enormous relief and not only for Melanie. Everybody is pleased with this new
insight. It gives a totally different perspective on the snake phenomenon.
Purifying the past
We talk about the good and bad things in every culture. It is extremely vital to purify
the legacy of the past and to lift our different cultures up to a new dimension. This
means purification and letting go of everything that no longer serves us.
We give each other one last treatment. Whilst looking at Melvin, I can see his past
before me. He is a healer, an old tribal chief. The image that I see has nothing to do
with the Melvin who is seriously ill now.
In the end, nobody wants to go home. Even Melanie has calmed down. She decides to
take different decisions and to visit her mother and children in Port Elisabeth as soon
as possible. And this is all about time. How can you possibly help others for goodness
sake if you do not take your own desires seriously? Always being busy means you are
running away from yourself Melanie.
I make a delicious salad and think it is quite nice just the two of us together in this big
house in Geluksdal. Unexpectedly Tsifa drops in. It takes a bit of getting used to it. It is
one of the lesser nice part of living in a community.
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* Tuesday 2 May
The sun is shining, how wonderful. The little bird is tapping patiently on the
windowpane. What will be his message this time? Is it that he is announcing the arrival
of winter? He does not stop. At nine o’clock, we drive through the colourful streets of
Tsakane to the Youth Alive house. I feel as if I am saying goodbye. The house is locked
up, so we take the photos and the clothes back with us again. We drive past John in his
wheelchair. We missed him this week; it was far too cold for him to be out on the street.
Now he is sitting in the sun with his wonderful laugh. I feel the sadness behind it
though. He would really like to have his old job back at the airport. This is impossible
because they do not have a lift at that place. Somewhere there must be a solution,
mustn’t it? We are absolutely privileged and spoilt in the Netherlands!
For John this accident is a test case and he hopes he will be able to walk again when he
has learnt his lesson. ‘I hope so too John, I will pray for you’. I put my arms around
him. He just feels grateful he has met us. I cuddle his small nephew and find two more
rainbow-eyes in my bag. Well, at least it is something. I would really like to do more for
him. His example, his patience and his positive attitude should to be seen and
rewarded.
When Giri tries to confirm our flight, they tell him that it has been cancelled. They will
phone us back later. I do not bat an eyelid, there most certainly has to be a reason for it.
Either we have not finished here yet, or we will get a better flight. Later that afternoon
we get to hear that our flight has been transferred to African Airlines. We leave two
hours earlier, only have to wait for an hour in Zurich and we will be home five hours
earlier. Well, that is very lucky. Let us hope that Reina will be back in time to take us to
the airport.
I make some coffee and something to eat for Alfred, the gardener. A child-hand is easily
filled and he knows that I will give him a little something extra. Right or wrong, it feels
good to me.
Flowing
Nico phones to say goodbye. He will not be able to see us before we leave.
Enthusiastically he shares that everything is flowing again since we met. How nice to
hear that Nico!
Yvonne pops in with a present. It is their way to show that they love you and they are
willing to share what little they have.
We head off to Ruth’s. We take along everything in our luggage that she might be able
to use. The car stalls as soon as we are on the road and we cannot get it started again.
Alfred and the neighbour push it back into the driveway. I am wondering whether it is
possible to walk all the way, when the neighbour asks some questions and looks under
the bonnet. ‘You have to start this car in a neutral gear’, he says coldly, he proceeds to
put it in neutral gear, switches on the ignition and would you believe it, it starts
immediately! Fortunately, I am able to restrain myself and I do not fling my arms
around his neck. There are boundaries in South Africa, which I wish to respect.
However, I make very clear how grateful we are. When Giri gives him his special
screwdriver, he beams with joy. We have gained a friend as well as a protector, our
neighbour. You cannot get any better than that.
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Paulien comes outside at Ruth’s house. She throws herself into my arms and starts to
cry uncontrollably. Mum is not too good. Unfortunately, that is very true. Two
neighbours we have met before are looking after her. I unpack all the things, the fruit
juice and the papaya. She wants to taste a bit, even though she can hardly swallow any
more. We will just have to mash it. I open a capsule of the natural medicine and tip the
powder into a glass of water. She drinks it immediately and asks how much she should
have every day. Although Prudence already bought the medicines I had suggested, Ruth
refused to take them.
I cannot see the little ones around. We find nine-year old Zandile, crawled away into
the shed. I lift her up and she snuggles up to me. I take her to Ruth and we sit on the
edge of the bed for a while. With the neighbours’ help, Ruth can tell me she has to go to
the bank with Prudence to collect her benefit. If she does not do this, they will stop her
benefit. She is restless and cannot think of any other possibility. After doing this, she
will get a statement from the police station for the following month. I consider whether
Ruth and I just could go together. That is too silly, she never will survive it. ‘Paulien,
come with me, we’re going to the police station right now’. The officer on duty is very
sympathetic. Contrary to all the horrible stories being spread around about the police,
we can only say from our own experience that we have met some fantastic people, time
and time again. The same evening, Prudence gets a statement that she can collect the
benefit from now on. She phones to thank me and as usual, she says she is all right.
When pointing out that the situation at home cannot be easy, she agrees wholeheartedly. According to her Ruth is doing so badly because she did not want to take the
medicines. I do not want to play any games. ‘Dear Prudence, your mother is dying and I
think you know that’. I empathise with her and hope that she will be able to maintain
their family unity. It is terrible to see your mother dying, but my greatest concern is the
survivors.
Pitiful
Ruth dies and will be buried fourteen days later. According to Myriam, the children
are a pitiful sight for all the onlookers.
We walk over to see Heleen and her three children. They worked hard together in a very
short time and they receive and greet us as an open and happy family. What a relief!
We do not forget Helen either. I just have a soft spot for her. Both babies are doing well
and this time I meet her husband. There is not such a thing as a real relationship
between the two of them. I know that she is waiting for the right moment to kick him
out. The situation with her mother is more open after the course. They understand each
other better now.
Perfection
This perfect baby died six weeks later, her second child in one and half years. At first, I
cannot believe it. I wonder why I have always thought Helen and her baby to be
perfect in all respects. I subsequently realise that their consciousness must be so far
evolved that I perceived their totality, which is transcending every form. My heart
overflows with compassion for Helen and for all mothers who lose their children,
wherever this might be in the world.
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On our last evening, Jolanda and the beautiful Indian Eupramia come to say goodbye.
We feel tired, but our energy is being recharged during this get-together. Eupramia tells
us how much Jolanda had changed when she came back to Benoni. When they asked
her what had happened she told us about you, Yasmin. And what did that woman do
then, the sisters wanted to know. ‘I really don’t know’, said Jolanda. ‘Actually she didn’t
really do anything, she is just……. different.’ We burst out laughing. This is what she has
regained, the laughter, the innocence, the playfulness and the joy of her inner child.
The divine child and the Christ energy come from the same source, pure unconditional
love. Once you have reconnected yourself, you will never let it go again.
With a heart full of joy and gratitude, I wave goodbye to the two of them and for the last
time we go to sleep in the convent.
* Wednesday 3 May
We pop in at the youth house and say goodbye to Pat and Laurens. They are pleased
with the photos and Laurens, who is HIV-positive, is extremely pleased with Giri’s
jeans. According to Pat, she is going to miss us. Pat is one of the strong women who I
had the opportunity to meet, and Myriam is lucky to have her as a secretary in the AIDS
project.
Sylvia comes round. She is a colleague of Myriam and she heard so many ‘big' stories
about me that she definitely wanted to meet me before we left. I am so glad; I would not
have wanted to miss meeting her either. She describes herself as an introvert in
contrast to Myriam. This is certainly something we have in common. She frequently
buries herself in the stillness of nature to recharge herself and to get inspiration. I
recognise this very well! We flow easily into each other.
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FAREWELL TO SOUTH AFRICA
‘You will have to walk the path yourself before you are able to show it to others.’
Reina comes back in plenty of time to take us to the airport. Tsifa wants to accompany
us, so the four of us drive off to the airport. We need to have our tickets transferred
before we can check in. After that, we have a drink in the bar and then it is time to say
goodbye to our sisters. Because of the storm, our flight has a delay, yet after all
everything goes smoothly and they are looking after us extremely well.
* Thursday 4 May
We arrive in Zurich at a quarter to seven. This is the check-in time for the flight to
Amsterdam. According to the stewardess, we will not manage to catch that flight but we
try anyway and make it easily. And our luggage? Through the plane-window, I see it
loaded from the conveyor belt. There is nothing to be worried about. We land at
Schiphol at about nine o’clock, six hours earlier than initially expected. We had already
phoned up about this, so the Schiphol taxi knows about it. We arrive home at eleven
o’clock that same morning.
The sun begins to break through the clouds. The garden is in full bloom. What a
difference to the dead looking winter garden we left behind. The grass needs cutting. A
blackbird has made a nest in the corner of our shed. Wow, that is a real surprise. The
house is colourful filled up with balloons, even the bath. We both are full of renewed
energy and are easily able to switch over to the rhythm of this place, to the rhythm of
this new day.
As children
I hope for South Africa and for the whole world that we human beings may discover,
respect and honour ourselves for what we really are. If we dare to experience our beauty
in all its fullness, we will let go of our imaginary fears and open ourselves to the
unprecedented beauty in everybody. Then we dare to let the emptiness be the
emptiness and we will allow new ideas to be born from the unprecedented and the
unseen. We will teach ourselves to be amazed again just like new born children and the
whole world becomes our playground.
‘If you do not become like little children you shall not enter the kingdom of heaven.’
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COMING HOME
‘Every insight is a springboard for a wider vision.’
This is the first time in my life I felt completely at home in the Netherlands. The energy
no longer pulls me down. I am like a rock in the middle of the surf and I enjoy ‘All That
Is’. There is so much to enjoy in this small, lovely country.
So many times, I returned from my travels and felt completely exhausted very quickly. I
was unable to cope with the energy, the emotions, the pollution, the abundance, and
the desires. I fell down, literally and metaphorically. Yet, I knew this process was
important for me to be able to live here in the Netherlands. Until now, it has only been
a question of survival, a constant battle to maintain this body. No, it was my aim to live
fully and to be fully, here as well, to be able to open myself up completely and to be
'alive' without constantly falling down. My prayer has been rewarded and so it
happened!
In the past, my sensitivity often turned against me. I felt everything and everybody and
was unable to detach myself from the energy, unable to exclude it. I had to learn by
experience the difference between pity and sympathy. I took on my shoulders the
suffering of the world; I experienced and felt the suffering of humanity. On a regular
basis, I was literally worn out by it. Yet, my soul has chosen for this learning process.
What the exact turning point was is of little importance. Yet, when I came back from
South Africa, I felt the joy of being here, in spite of all the challenges around me.
Although the challenges are certainly not small, it does not matter anymore.
Pity has become compassion. Compassion is not indifference, quite the contrary. It
means I am able to be fully present in situations of suffering and dying, the difference is
that I do not die along with them. I remain an observer. No longer, I am absorbed in
what is mine and what someone else’s is. It sounds rather paradoxical, because at the
same time I do not feel any separation between myself and the other person.
Humanity’s suffering becomes my suffering. Yet, behind all that suffering, behind all
that pain, I can see the perfect plan, the true face of the Creator.
We westerners always have to see things first before we believe in these. The true
mark of a spiritual person is that he believes without seeing, which actually results in
learning to ‘see’.
My own processes of pain and suffering and all the transformations connected to this
have made my personality strong to such an extent that I am able to go with the flow,
yet no longer become depleted by it. This is a tremendous gift. It has everything to do
with respect. Respect for my individuality, respect for my path, and consequently,
respect for the other person’s process. I do not need to take away other people’s
experiences, I even do not want to heal or liberate them. These are the games we all
play; they enable us to keep active so we do not have to feel where the other person is
going through. By now I dare to be fully present, without needing to change the
situation. I know that I do not have to change anything because God’s creation is just
perfect, perfect and complete. I see what really is; I see what is hidden behind all those
veils of illusion. I feel compassion for humanity, compassion and unconditional love.
My inner space gives others the space to change and to heal wherever it is necessary. It
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is different of wanting to take pain away or change things according to my insights. This
is something that simply happens, it is beyond my control. Whatever wants to change,
changes without difficulty and without any resistance when the time is ripe for it to
change.
Everybody will open up in their own time, when they are ready for it. There is no
point casting pearls before the swine. It will not work anyway before a person’s inner
self is ready for it. At that moment in time, he will open himself up and everything
that he needs for his transformation process will appear on his path.
Patience
‘Simplicity is the essence of my being.’
Patience is one of the most highly evolved qualities of God’s. I learn and have been
taught the greatest lessons in patience. Patience means no longer acting from will
power, but waiting for the right impulse. Patience is using this period of waiting to
initiate higher forms of my Self into my being. Patience is daring to be helpful,
completely available in everything you do. Patience is being totally present in this one
moment, in the knowledge that the past no longer exists. Everything is perfect anyway
in the eternal now and it is only my attitude at this moment in time, which will
determine my state of being in the future.
It might seem paradoxical to say that we create every limitation ourselves. Choosing
a life in the material dimension, means we choose a life with limitations. Redemption
is therefore nothing else than accepting our limitations, so the hidden space within
these apparent limitations becomes more visible. We learn to use this space and attain
our inner freedom.
I no longer need to make a distinction between myself and another person. I do not
have to discriminate, even though I dare to make a distinction. By specifying the
differences, I also see the Oneness behind all these differences. Yet, it is precisely the
different forms of expression, which make life so exciting for me. Love solves all
problems. Because of my energy, I attract what is appropriate for me. There are people
who are pleased to be in my company and they feel enlightened when they leave. Just as
many people avoid me like the plague. In the past, I used to worry about this and would
ask myself what I had done wrong. It is all nonsense, all ego games. I am doing nothing
wrong; I create my own reality, which does not mean to say it is another person’s
reality. Love transcends everything and those who do not choose to be in my company
are also part of me. The one does not exist without the other.
I am a spiritual warrior and I fight the battle inside myself. With every victory, my
range of vision gets wider and I experience more freedom. At the same time, I have
never been so 'stubborn'. I do not want to adapt myself and conform to what appears to
be important for the majority. In this respect, I am certainly in the minority. Although I
also form part of the majority, I go my own way without hesitation. I am waiting for the
impulses that come to tell me what I have to do. This is not difficult it is a challenge. It
is letting go of control and trusting on my impulses, trusting my intuition. It is the
knowing that my path is predestined and each step is paved. It is staying awake, being
vigilant and not dozing off, never. It is being clear and seeing clearly, seeing things as
they really are which goes further than images. Images are projections of the ego,
neither right nor wrong. They are necessary for as long as they are necessary and the
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less we need them, the more we will be able to follow our own path, build on an inner
foundation of surrender, faith and trust. This trust more and more becomes knowing. It
is a knowing that there exists a power much greater than us, greater than everybody. A
knowing that we are guided and will be provided with everything we need at the right
place and the right time.
Handing over the reins, yet stay sitting on the steer.
Love is always there and when I experience limitations it is a challenge to exceed these
limitations or to let these limitations remain and to experience the space and the
freedom within these limitations. This requires practice. You cannot learn to swim if
you do not practise regularly. Somebody who lives to realise himself we call a yogi. The
only reason that we are here on earth is self-realisation, isn’t it? You cannot be a yogi
unless you are prepared to express the love that you are in essence in everything that
you do. Spiritual practice means giving your full attention to every activity, even
washing the dishes. You do not make any distinction between good and bad tasks. This
means that there is no longer any difference between your ‘spiritual practice’ and the
daily tasks. The outside has become the inside, two have become one, you have grown
from the state of becoming into the state of ‘being’.
Our own prison
If we feel imprisoned, we have created the prison ourselves. It is funny to see that in the
Netherlands with all our so-called freedom we have made so many laws and structures
that we, in all freedom, have created our own prison. When you realise this, you can
choose to break down the walls of this prison. By breaking down these walls within
yourself, you will be able to live within the structures of this prison and all other prisons
without reacting, resisting, and no longer feeling imprisoned or restricted. If we keep
our purpose in mind, there is nothing outside ourselves that can prevent us from
following our path. I have chosen to be love and to live love. I have chosen to be an
instrument in the hands of my Creator. If my ‘being’ and my example can be an
encouragement to others on their path, I am happy and my existence as a human being
has been successful. Everybody who comes into my house without expectations will be
refreshed. He who comes with expectations will return home disappointed.
I now completely understand why so many sacrifices have been asked of me. This was
simply a test, a declaration of willingness. Just as an external guru asks his followers
for unconditional surrender, my inner guru requires unconditional surrender and the
willingness to follow the path and everything encountered on it.
The greatest sacrifice was perhaps letting go of my Reiki work. This was my priesthood
in this lifetime. It was a real struggle, yet my willingness to take on the fight was
unconditional. My soul had already made this choice. The fight has been fought. You
only need a tool for as long as you need it. When you have become the tool yourself, you
do not need the tools any more. I am now able to swim without my water wings.
Symbolically, the initiations and symbols were the water wings. They made me feel safe
which was what I needed at the time. It was my task to transcend the form. In order to
let go of all external characteristics and to open up my heart further on, so I could
become the instrument itself. Divine impulses, such as Reiki, lose their purity and their
power when we humans want to convert them into forms, into structures. Structures
arise out of fear and have a limiting and alienating effect.
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The time was ripe to transcend all structures. The time was ripe to trust that this
further opening of my heart was sufficient. In South Africa, I get the opportunity to
experience the result of this intense process. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind
any more. I have had a wonderful time with Reiki. It was a tremendous gift, and I was
able to share in abundance. I cherish this period in my heart like a precious gift. Now
there will be a new phase in my life, a phase that requires blind faith even more than
before. What this will be, I do not know. It requires flexibility, a constant change and
movement. God is not static; God is constantly open to change. God does not have any
form whatsoever and at the same time, he is every form. The only thing I know is that I
want to be love. The form can change at any moment. My backpack is full of tools. Tools
I can use whenever I need them. I will do what He wants me to do. I will go wherever
He wants me to go. I am no longer an inhabitant of the Netherlands; I have become a
citizen of the world.
Be as free and unattached as the sun itself. Then you will be able to live like a king in a
castle, in a house full of servants, yet it will not leave any visible impression behind on
you. You will enjoy all this without any attachment. After this, you will just as easily
close the door behind you to venture out into the world with your only possessions for
that moment in time, yourself and your backpack.
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LOVE IS OUR PATH OF INITIATION
‘It is thought that insight comes through psychological development. This is correct
but it mostly comes through developing the quality of the heart. A loving person is
alive. The more you are alive, the more difficult it undoubtedly is for you to live life,
and yet no difficulty is too great a price to pay for living a real life.’
- Inayat Khan Initiation
In this day and age, in which the opening of our heart chakra, the awakening of our full
power of love, is central, it is not only the life of the master Jesus that has come into the
limelight again, it is especially the gift he has made accessible to all of us. He was the
incarnation of unconditional love and he brought the power of initiation within the
reach of all of us.
Many new initiation methods are available to us nowadays, including the gift of Reiki.
However, are these initiations what it is ultimately all about, or are they only steppingstones, just helping us on our path to realisation. Without underestimating the
importance of all this preparatory work, I only have to look at the fruitfulness of all this
in my own life, to think that the true initiations are of a different calibre. The true
initiation is nothing else than life itself. It is simply how we deal with everyday
situations in our daily lives. How do we deal with challenges, with stress, with hate,
with love, with space and time, with profit and loss, with sickness and wholeness?
Where do we stand in our work, in our relationships? Are we who we meant to be? Do
we fulfil ourselves by doing the things we have to do, and as a result do we share our
gift with everybody who is receptive to it, or are we still waiting until the outside world
will save us and liberate us? Do we still think that the miracle takes place outside of us,
or have we now accepted that we are the miracle ourselves?
The master Jesus
Initiation in this day and age, no longer takes place in temples or their equivalents,
where the high priestess conducted this whole process. A process which took three days
to complete: the three days between the crucifixion and the resurrection. The number
three has been a holy number from time immemorial. Nowadays our path of initiation
happens more gradually. The more naturally, the more little by little the process takes
place, the deeper the energy can penetrate into all our cells and the more we become
this energy ourselves. It is not to say that there are no shocking experiences preceding
initiations. Times of pain and suffering, loss and sorrow are often the ingredients which
cause the next layer to fall off, and the subsequent energy level can then be created.
Therefore, this is simply a period of initiation.
The man Jesus was born two thousand years ago. He was a person just like you and me.
In his previous lives, he had undoubtedly paved the way for the enormous task he had
to carry out in this lifetime. Just as we have paved the way in previous lives to be able to
give full shape to ourselves in this day and age. The first thirty years of Jesus’ life served
to reintegrate his true essence.
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For us, reintegration also happens after the first thirty years of our lives. Round
about the time of the Saturn crisis, the point at which Saturn is at the same place in
our horoscope as it was at the moment we were born, somewhere between the ages of
twenty-seven and thirty-two, this reintegration takes place. It is an intense
assimilation and deepening of what lies behind us. We usually have a crisis, physical,
emotional, mental and spiritual. If we enter into this process fully, we begin the next
cycle with new insights and a different willingness. What we really are starts to
acquire more and more shape.
At his baptism in the River Jordan the man Jesus, the initiated One, became the Christ.
Baptism remains a kind of an initiation, it is the symbol of the divine person; spirit is
embedded in the material dimension. Through his baptism, Jesus was able to realise
the full magnitude of the Christ energy in the material dimension. In other words; to
create heaven on earth. This was an intense process for his material body, which had
been preparing itself all those years to be able to bear this enormous spirit.
Jesus withdrew regularly to integrate the process of engaging the spirit. A process never
ends. After every expansion of our consciousness, our various bodies search for a new
equilibrium. Just like the seasons in nature, the continuous process of evolution and
involution.
Jesus brought initiation within everyone’s reach. This path was no longer only for the
chosen ones. At the same time, many are called but few are chosen. In other words, few
people are willing to follow the path in all its fullness and simplicity, to be the path and
to live the path. It is still easier to project what you want to be onto an idol outside
yourself. If it does not turn out right, then you can always nail the idol to the cross.
Daily life has become the new path. Being God and seeing God in all that is,
experiencing God in every action, in every word, in every reflection. The time when
God was projected outside has gone forever.
We can only show the path to others if we have followed the path ourselves, if we have
fully become the path ourselves. Then all lessons cease to exist, because we have
become the lesson, the message ourselves. Daily life, the everyday things are gradually
the steps of our initiations. We pass through the various developmental stages, the
energy of which is contained in the different elements: earth, water, fire, air and ether,
which in turn are connected to the seven wheels of our chakras. We strip ourselves of
all the ballast we have collected to maintain ourselves in this material life and once
again take possession of our individuality, of our life force. With each step, we add a bit
more divinity to ourselves.
The nice thing about this is that not only do we enlighten ourselves, but also we
enlighten matter, our mother earth, everything and everybody in us and around us.
Just by wanting to be here and by realising that. We have not come onto this planet to
be spirits; we have come onto earth to combine spirit with matter, to establish a
network of love in our beloved earth mother.
In the past, we needed the process of leaving behind the material life and withdrawing
after the walls of the temple or monastery or convent, however, nowadays a greater
effort is required of us and we are ready for it. We will have to exchange the safety of
the temple, yes ultimately all centres, which provide this safety of seclusion, to establish
our divinity in all simplicity in daily life. Connecting us to everything, without excluding
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anything. Embracing everything without being affected by it. Being the centre of the
world, yet not being of the world.
Just like the fool in the tarot. Only the one who really sees, only a few people will
recognise the absolute divinity in him. We still associate divinity with all the
paraphernalia, with halos and images of saints, with inaccessibility and majesty.
Something that is far beyond our reach, which is certainly not for us, it is something
somebody else will do for us. Like the master Jesus did two thousand years ago.
A rebel
Jesus was a rebel. He was a pioneer. He came to overturn old convictions and in doing
so, he broke down the convictions of the established order. He sought and found the
pass through the mountains. He constantly kept his purpose in mind. It was his
purpose to fully become the pure power of love and to totally embody this power in
himself. In order to show the whole world that only one thing is essentially important:
to be love and to live love. It was his purpose to follow this path and in doing so to
prepare the path for everybody else.
Jesus did not like outward splendour at all, because the exterior is just ballast which
you put between yourself and the reality, so you easily lose sight of what you are really
aiming at. Yes, ultimately you do not even know what you are doing any more, because
it has become concealed behind the external forms of expression, the religion, the sect,
the institute, the guru, the method, and so on.
Jesus felt most at ease with people who were on the sidelines of life; the ordinary
people, like the fisherman, the natural person and anyone whose being had not yet been
distorted by the all-controlling and all-prevailing thinking.
Thinking drives a wedge between matter and spirit. Yet, that same thinking, our ego,
is the anvil on which we forge the iron. The eye of the needle through which we have
to go to undergo the transmutation from metal into gold, from matter into spirit, is
the process of alchemy. If we are able to connect the power of thinking with the power
of love in our hearts, we understand who we in essence are, and we place ourselves in
the service of living and expressing our being in ‘All That Is’.
At the same time, Jesus loved everybody unconditionally, although he was anything but
amenable to excuses and games. He literally swept them off the table. He was not
seeking to be praised. He was not seeking to be loved. He came to do what his soul had
chosen to do, in all its fullness and in all its solitude. Since a prophet is not revered
during his lifetime, not in that time and not now either.
If we could accept the message that Jesus has for us today, we would not still be waiting
for the Ascension to happen, for the Christ who is going to be born again. We would
know that this birth, this coming of Christ, of the Buddha nature, the Master in
ourselves, is happening within ourselves, at this precise moment. It is the birth of the
all-encompassing love energy, the birth of All That Is.
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Healing
Jesus did not pretend to be the great healer. He intended to become the energy, to be
like his Father/Mother. The more he became this energy, certainly after the baptism in
the River Jordan, the more he was able to transform all matter. Not because he did
anything as such; just because he became the energy, the space himself. Few people
could see this in him and allow it in themselves. However, those who did see and could
experience it, bowed in all humility before the divinity in Jesus as the symbol of the
divinity in them. They surrendered themselves without any hesitation and in complete
trust to their own inner divine power by touching the ‘robe’ of Jesus. The tangible robe
is symbolical for his robe of energy, his aura, which in all its glory encompassed the
whole world. Their faith was their salvation and they were healed immediately. Their
faith was the healing power.
Today, Jesus wants all of us to be Jesus and to live Jesus ourselves. Not the Jesus as a
person, who in any respect actually is not important. Jesus, the person, was simply the
instrument to enable this pure power of love to be born onto this earth, so it became
accessible to each of us. Instead of praising him as a sort of unapproachable idol, it is
now time to rise up and embody ourselves in the power he has made available to us.
The greatest act of love, the most profound connection we can enter into with him, is to
open up in all humility and allow the Christ in ourselves to be born right now. By doing
so, we put ourselves on an equal footing with the master in ourselves, on an equal
footing with the master Jesus, our elder brother. When we rise up and liberate
ourselves from our slavery, we will open the door for everyone who comes after us, as
the master Jesus did for us.
Our greatest commitment, our greatest proof of love is surrendering and giving
ourselves back to the Father/Mother God and letting ourselves be used as an
instrument, an instrument for pure unconditional love.
It is one thing we know what we are talking about, we know what we preach. It is
another matter to put it into practice in our daily lives, in all simplicity. It is only
possible to do this in stillness, without outward show, without any fuss and bother. This
can only happen by daring to be fully present in each moment, in pain and in joy, in
pride and in simplicity; not letting the one be more important than the other.
We can no longer exclude anything outside ourselves if we decide that we want to
follow ‘the path’. Both the heretic and the saint are part of us. We no longer make a
distinction. All there is, is what should be there. We no longer try to save or to improve
humanity. We work on ourselves and become the instrument, which will result in the
transition taking place effortlessly.
We open the doors to different dimensions by just daring to ‘be’. We lift all limitations
by just ‘being’. We smooth out every injustice by just ‘being’. We no longer play ego
games, but if people want to play them with us, then that is okay. Hate and love,
nothing gets attached any more. Everything is converted and transformed by the
shield of love.
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Crucifixion
Jesus was crucified because he was pure Love. It is paradoxical that on the one hand,
we are striving for love so much and on the other hand, we are so frightened of it.
Daring to be pure love, as Jesus was, means we reflect everything clearly, also those
aspects, which are not yet pure and real in the other person. Few people are honestly
willing to look into their own mirrors, and to follow the path in all its fullness.
Enlightenment still has to come from outside, with a lot of paraphernalia, initiations,
apparitions, courses or whatever. No life itself, it cannot be that simple! At the same
time, we recoil from the effort. This path requires practice, starting again time after
time, starting again endlessly, with no expectations, with no conditions. With boundless
love and infinite patience. Quite apart from all results, the result has become totally
unimportant.
Fear of love
People are terribly frightened of opening up for love. Letting love in means crucifying
yourself, the crucifixion of your own ego. The fear of this process is stronger than any
other fear, the fear that nothing will be left of you. All that is old and trusted disappears.
You do not belong anywhere anymore and you become an outcast.
That is very true. Your ego is crucified. You go through the mill until there is nothing
left other than to throw yourself down on your knees in all humility and bow before the
only ineffable power that is everything, was everything and always will be everything.
People turn away from you. They betray you like Peter did. They kick you out of the
family, out of the clan. Because you are putting security in danger, infringing the rules
and you are a living threat to the carefully built–up structure. You are reduced to
nothing. That is the truth, because without Him, you are nothing.
At the same time, as soon as you lose everything you are everything and you possess
everything. Essentially, you do not lose anything, quite the opposite. Everything that
you could ever have possibly expected, that is what you are. Your personality is many
times stronger and stays unaffected once you have liberated yourself from your egoism.
You get natural protection. You build a shield of love around you from which every
attack rebounds. You no longer have any friends nor do you have any enemies either.
You are visible when you have to be visible,
and invisible when you have to be invisible.
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OUR SELF-IMAGE
‘Transmutation is the conversion of pain into ecstasy’
During our lives we formed our self-images or rather deformed it by our upbringing,
church and society. We think that we are sinful, imperfect beings who have to learn an
awful lot and certainly have to work hard to earn a place in heaven after all the drudge
here on earth.
Are we prepared to let go of this false self-image and to bury it for good? Are we
prepared to connect ourselves to our own immortal reality?
We are born as perfect divine beings, immutable and holy. The only 'sin' there has ever
been and will ever be there, is the separation symbolised in the 'fall of man'. This
merely means the descent into the material dimension. Eve, symbol of the mother in
every one of us, takes our male other-half, Adam, our spirit, by hand to start the process
of descent into the material dimension. Each evolutionary cycle is preceded by a cycle
of involution, a cycle of the descent. The snake as a symbol of good and evil, as a symbol
of transformation or transmutation, belongs at the beginning of each new path of
transformation.
You strip off your old skin in order to be able to form a new one.
When we descended into the material dimension, we burdened ourselves with karma.
Not as guilt or as a penalty yet as a learning process and as the possibility to transform
ourselves and matter into spirit, into what we had always been, what we are and what
we always will be: divine sparks, all drops in the immeasurable ocean of wholeness.
Why do we have to go along this apparently endless path of the material dimension if in
essence we are whole, immutable and inviolable? I do not know the answer. It is a sort
of experiment. God wanted to get to know 'himself' through his creation. Therefore, we
all play the role we destined for ourselves. The result of all this is that we are slowly but
surely creating heaven on our cosmic mother earth while we lighten and raise up the
material dimension. This way, we all become co-creators of God and eventually we
discover who we in essence are.
We do not have to learn anything. All we have to do is to cast off our old ballast and
illusions. We should let go and bury forever the idea that we are only material beings
and that nothing else exists. This idea brings about fear and separation. Fear and
separation bring about the need for material mock-security.
This fear becomes particularly visible and tangible at the ‘end of an age’. Do not worry.
The world will not perish. On the contrary, we are approaching the end of the dark
'iron’ age, referred to as Kali Yuga. As the light increases, the final convulsions of the
darkness also increase. It is up to us not to depress ourselves by the mass hysteria and
the mass media. Dare to be a rebel and be dedicated to your inner truth. The divine
world badly needs our cooperation to make this transformation into the material
dimension possible.
Do not let yourself be frightened by any lesson or message whatsoever. Put every
message that induces fear in you to one side and let it go or take it up again when this
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message no longer frightens you. There are so many predictions and so many people
who profess to know, but ultimately nobody knows how these processes will turn out in
reality. Actually, it is of no importance. The only moment of real importance is this
moment. Human beings suffer the most from the suffering they fear. Let the past go, let
the future go, live in this one moment; in the here and now. Liberate yourself from all
your imaginary fears and you will know precisely what to do and where to go at the
right moment. Learn to trust your divine impulses and hand over all your worries to the
One.
Our personality or our I-power is embedded in such a way that we are becoming
independent beings. Even though we may drink in other people’s wisdom and
knowledge, it is time that we realise we are our own lord and master. All wisdom is
hidden away in the treasury of our hearts. The past is over; we are no longer the slaves
of churches or other dogmas. Now we have the opportunity to give shape to the power
of Christ in ourselves. This means that we no longer are impatient to leave this earth.
Quite the contrary, convinced of our divinity and of our inner power, we become
responsible co-creators and we connect our own inner light to the heart of our beloved
earth mother. It is not just about our transformation but about the transformation of
the whole planet and the whole universe.
I myself experience that all externalities are being stripped off more and more and the
pure form is making its appearance more and more. Like a rose opening up in the
summer sun. It is the path that we take from doing to being, from control to full
surrender. The heart, the Christ in all of us, takes over and the mind becomes a willing
servant. Ultimately we become the divine energy ourselves and all our actions are
confined in our own being. No longer, we act through willpower but through complete
surrender to the highest in us, the highest in every person. Being at one with All That
Is, we are coming home.
Movement and standing still
Life is a continuous process of an incoming and outgoing flow or movement or in other
words, it is the process of involution and evolution. Standing still is stagnation and
movement is growth. Movement and standing must, however, be in equilibrium.
Without the ‘being’ of stagnation, the feminine process of receptivity and integration,
no ‘action’ can exist in the form of growth and movement from the inner self. In that
case, it is still a deed arising from personal will power and it does not come from our
soul’s desire. It is the difference between creating and making, in other words the
difference between surrender and control.
A thought precedes every creation. This thought is the building plan as it were. Each
thought will ultimately manifest itself in the material dimension. This is why it is of
vital importance to acquire mastery of our thinking. The ultimate challenge is not
even to stay stuck in positive thinking, but to transcend thinking all together. We are
transcending the world of forms for the world of the formless, the absolute eternity;
the absolute emptiness.
Inayat Khan and his Sufi ideology transcend the differences in religions and unite all
religions under its umbrella of wholeness and respect. This ideology will encompass the
religion of the new age. It sees the Oneness behind all the various forms of expression.
After all the water in the Source is the same everywhere. We can pray to and praise God
in many different manners and there are no good or bad ways. However, let us never
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lose sight of the fact that the essence of our praise is Oneness. Let us establish this
Oneness in ourselves first and after doing this we will be able to let this Oneness flow
out to others and eventually all differences and all wars will stop. In order for us to
eventually realise that all this time, through all these many lifetimes, we have just been
fighting against that One, that one immeasurable power, of which we are so infinitely
afraid:
The power of unconditional love.
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RELATIONSHIPS
‘Only the meek of heart will discover the truth’.
Ultimately, this whole book is about relationships. Relationships in the material
dimension are the fertile soil in which our unconditional love can grow. We need other
people to learn to see ourselves, to learn to recognise ourselves. In the relationship with
your parents, your children, your friends and your partner, you will recognise the dark
and light sides of yourself when you are ready for it. Our external world consists of
mirrors showing us which aspects of ourselves still need to be smoothen and polished,
to be enabled radiating more and more our inner light to the outside. Our energy
infallibly attracts the right mirrors we need for our growth process.
You cannot miss out any step. You cannot have a spiritual connection if you have not
entered into the relationship with yourself by way of your environment. Spirituality
does not exist separate from daily reality. A spiritual person is somebody who no longer
constructs a separation between his spiritual reality and his daily life. He has become
this energy and everything he does is inspired. He recognises the face of God in every
action, in every person and acts accordingly, out of love and respect.
We have chosen this planet as our playfield. The game takes place on all fronts here in
the earthly dimension, because this is where our challenges are. It is not possible to
escape. You cannot run away, not into your spirituality, not into your relationships, and
even not into your work. You will take yourself with you time and time again and will be
constantly confronted with your own personal lessons. This is the loving power of
karma. You will learn what your soul has chosen, because ultimately you want to learn
it. Often we feel an enormous resistance when the time is ripe to extend our
boundaries.
The relationships that most repel us, in which we the least seem to recognise ourselves,
are often those relationships that reflect our hidden dark places. It is simple, if it was
not hidden within ourselves; we would not be bothered by it. So there is work to do! Be
thankful for your enemies, they show you the path!
We often use our spirituality to put up a wall between ourselves and another person.
This is the pitfall every spiritual traveller has to face at the beginning of the path. We
think we are ‘better’ and we are going so fast that the other person can no longer keep
up with us. There is, however, no such thing as a short cut and there is certainly no such
thing as a spiritual race.
Nobody knows another person’s blueprint. Judgements are out of place and not very
loving. Perhaps your partner has already followed this path long ago, he or she no
longer needs to follow any workshops and all those external things, which you believe
are necessary for you.
Love, true love, true spirituality means having the space to let the other person be
differently. Then you are no longer afraid of the differences, you are not afraid you will
alienated from each other. Then you seize these differences as challenges in order to
grow and you respect everyone’s individuality out of love and respect. No longer, we
make comparisons of good, better and best. Competition makes room for support. We
are on the way to becoming adults.
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We can run away from ourselves in our relationships, but ultimately we always take
ourselves with us. It is not a question of blaming the other person. If our intention is
pure, concepts like guilt no longer exist. Problems in a relationship have mostly to do
with ourselves. It is usually the point at which the relationship requires the next step,
requires deepening; this is when we have the tendency to run away. We are frightened
of tapping into this deeper layer in ourselves. We would rather keep the relationship
under control because surrendering is so threatening, and we are so terribly afraid of
true closeness, of true love.
This is also the reason why people, who escape from one relationship to another,
without working on themselves first, are faced with the same problems very quickly.
You always take yourself with you. Nowadays, we easily escape into our external
activities and do not take the time to work on ourselves and our relationship. This is
what a relationship requires, constant attention, being constantly alert, daring to
improve and refine it, not running away yet being open to confrontations.
Confrontations are opportunities for growth. When you stop being in love, the
reflection starts immediately and confrontations will happen. This is the perfect time to
learn from and to grow towards each other. Provided we are willing not to stay stuck in
being in love, deep inside we will embed this external love so we can transform it to
unconditional love.
All relationships follow a cycle. There is a good reason why we talk about the seven
good and the seven bad years. In every relationship there are times we have the feeling
that love is gone forever. If you have the courage to look at yourself and you are
prepared to work together, that is the moment when you can raise your relationship to
another level, and elevate it into adulthood. After this, you will have a relationship that
will never fall apart. This is when love starts to blossom at a deeper level, because you
peeled off yet another bit of your fear of intimacy and you are able to establish true love
at a deeper layer.
Of course, there are situations, which are impossible to change at that moment in time.
Violence physical, emotional or mental are clear limits in relationships. Out of respect
for yourself, it is better that you leave immediately. Make sure you start to embrace
yourself, so you will no longer need these situations. However, even in a relationship
that has possibilities for growth, there must be willingness on both sides to transcend
the visible limits of the relationship and to discover this new space. After we have
looked at this in all sincerity and we both have concluded we have finished in our
relationship, it is most likely that the work has finished. The promises to remain true to
each other until death us do part, means being true to each other until the relationship
has come to an end for both of you. You have learnt all you can learn from each other
and it is time to move on to another class now.
You will end this relationship in the same way as you started it, with love. You will not
blame each other and not sling any mud. That is not to say you have not done this, it is
very human to do so, but you have left it behind you now. In this case, you will not use
your children as a shield between you and your partner. If you do so, if you are unable
to let go in love, if you are stuck in anger and sadness, there is still some unfinished
business in the relationship and you are certainly not ready to go onto the next one. It
might be a good idea to step back for a while, so it can become clear what your next step
should be.
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However, when both partners have learned their lessons, it is pointless to maintain
something that is no longer necessary. Let it go in love and wish each other all the
happiness in the world. That is love, unconditional love. Not holding on, not
possessing. In a good relationship, the wind must always be able to blow between you
and your loved one. Otherwise you become an extension of this other person and you
lose your own unique personality.
Ultimately, no relationship is ideal, because none of us is perfect. A relationship is like
the waves of the sea, like inhaling and exhaling, like low and high tide. At times
passionate and intense and than there are periods of standing still, of apparent peace,
of distance and boredom. If you can accept these periods and dare to look at yourself, to
look at that person who perhaps just momentarily does not want anything; who is just
momentarily tired of all the growing, or at that person who requires attention, you will
notice that ultimately a relationship after each apparent estrangement gets deeper time
and time again. Providing of course, there is the willingness and the deep desire to work
on it together.
A relationship, every relationship is a stepping stone to the ultimate relationship, the
relationship with the divinity in us, with the divinity in every being. This is our soul’s
desire; it is the reason why we have come onto this earth. It is our deep desire to be
Love, to live Love and to recognise Love in everybody and everything around us. If we
dare to give ourselves completely in our personal relationships, the step towards
surrendering to our divine source, the Father/Mother in each of us, is not that difficult
anymore.
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EPILOGUE
‘You can only show the path to others, if you already walked the path yourself;
if you have become the path yourself.’
This book, this creation has been originated from the deepest parts of my being.
Everything in this book is of me and yet at the same time there is nothing of myself.
Because God speaks and works through me and without Him, I am nothing.
Amen.
The next step
The next step for Giri is his trip to Australia. We have reversed the poles; this time I am
the one who stays behind, a very conscious decision.
I am completely present in the here and the now. The Netherlands has a different set of
rules and regulations, and different challenges. There is always something new to learn.
I am fully enjoying myself in the stillness of my self-created paradise, free from all
earthly pleasures, and all that which has already anchored itself in me in South Africa
becomes more deeply embedded.
Out of this voluntarily chosen limitation, I easily flow out into the world, because I am
limitless. Although I decide not to go out onto the street to share my joy, as I did in
South Africa, incidental intense encounters also take place here, spontaneously without
any warning, unprepared and unexpected.
I flow with ease and without any limitation. Effortlessly new sculptures are being born,
just underneath my hands, amazing! Sometimes there is a small boulder in the river,
which causes a minor collision. Yet the body, the spirit, they absorb these corrections
more and more easily and carry on flowing, almost naturally.
I am not busy making plans for tomorrow. I am not even busy filling in today. The day
unfolds accordingly and gives space to feel surprised, to allow miracles to occur. The
impulses will announce themselves when the time is ripe for something new.
New spontaneous encounters arise, while others turn away. A former friend, who like
many others has tried to avoid me, phones me up after a long time to tell me how
threatening I am to her in all my simplicity. She kept trying to get rid of me.
Unfortunately, I kept following her in her dreams. She realised that she could run away
from me, but that she could never run away from herself.
None of this bothers me any more. I no longer wonder what I have done wrong. I am a
clear mirror for her just as others are for me. You know, she knows that ultimately you
cannot run away from your destiny. She will choose to follow her path, with all the
challenges on the way, when the time is ripe for her to do so.
‘When the seed is ripe, it will germinate by itself.’
Nelson Mandela is right. We are not afraid of our darkness. We are afraid, infinitely
afraid, frightened to death of what we all longing for so intensely, unconditional love.
We do not dare to open ourselves up to it; we do not dare to let it in.
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Love, in essence is the only thing we are and wish to be. At the same time, we make it so
exclusive that it becomes unattainable. Surrendering does not mean giving ourselves
away. Surrendering means finding us with all the power inside of us; totally, completely
free and absolutely boundless. How for goodness sake we can be so afraid of that?
‘The miracle of life is unfolding in me, page after page.’
Words of thanks
I would like to thank all the lights that appeared on my path while experiencing and
writing this creation. Lights who made it possible to give shape to the content of this
book, to refine it and to unfold it for the reader.
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YASMIN VERSCHURE HAS ALSO WRITTEN THE FOLLOWING BOOKS:
1. Way to the Light
Pilgrimage of a Reiki master.
An honestly report explaining the universal life-force.
‘Way to the Light’ is in all humility a unique and inspiring testimony of a person
surrendering herself in full confidence to the flow of Life. Yasmin describes in a
sensitive, yet realistic way, all the radical changes in her consciousness that came along
her path; the setbacks and the high lights accompanying her journey. The book has an
intimate character, in which there is hardly any space for intellectual considerations. At
the same time, she describes in a very subtle way the path of inner transformation; the
awakening soul on his journey back to the light.
The book is in all simplicity a unique and inspiring testimony from a human
being who experiences Reiki, or Love, in the deepest of her soul.
The book exists of four parts:
1. Her own process of awakening.
2. The inner road of Reiki.
3. The life and death of Everhard.
4. Journey around the world.
2. With an open heart
Surrender and struggle as ways to insight, joy and love.
‘With an Open Heart’ is Yasmin’s second book and just as sensitive and intimate as the
rest of her work. Breathlessly she takes you to unknown depths. On her pilgrimage
through India and Nepal, in her stories and during her illness, she describes, in all
openness and clarity, the process of unshakeable faith and trust. By constantly
projecting herself in the here and the now, she uses all circumstances, good as well as
bad, to grow into light and love.
'In all simplicity, love contains the essence of life. In a society, mainly based on
personal benefit and status, were there is no appreciation for our true essence, we are
constantly trying to avoid pain and deny our feelings. Again and again it takes courage
to step into the depths of hell, to face our pain and to peel away the next layer. In doing
so we start to embrace the silence within, our true nature’.
Through awareness and insight it is possible to transform pain and suffering into inner
wholeness. It is a process of full surrender. Separation makes place for connection to
'All That Is'. Only in her deepest pain, Yasmin could surrender completely. She shows
that suffering can be a process of purification, a way to wholeness.
* Meditations and exercises give ‘With an Open Heart’ an extra dimension.
The book exists of three parts:
1. A seven-month spiritual pilgrimage through India and Nepal.
2. Spiritual stories with profound senses.
3. Transformation and completion.
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3. Mastery beyond death
Life and death of Everhard….
We like to believe that health is only a manifestation of the physical body. Yet, the body
is of minor position. A true healthy person is vital, enthusiastic, creative, careless and
joyful and never worried about tomorrow. A healthy person can be handicapped or
even been affected by AIDS, but the brightness of its soul will radiate his true being,
and his environment will experience him as a divine personality.
Since decades we exclude death from our society. Although it is the only security we
have, in a life based on matter, there seems to be no place to face and to embrace our
mortality. Yet once the day will come our physical vehicle has fulfilled its duty and will
turn into ashes. The butterfly leaves the cocoon and flies the way back to the light.
We all have to die in the physical sense, yet our soul is eternal. It is very important to
realize that the quality of death is determining the quality of the hereafter. Let us, like
Everhard, become a Master in dying, Master beyond death.
‘And he spread his newly acquired wings
and flew along the way back to the light....’
4. The Power of Being
'The saint and the hooker'
The transforming power, the feminine face of God, is the world-mother who is at the
base of the visible creation. To become completely whole and to restore the balance on
earth, we have to descend into our underworld and initiate this lacking part anew.
Our amputated counterpart, the power of the receiving and creating Mother in all of us,
is yearning to be acknowledged. No longer can we ignore her cry for help. Integration is
the only possibility to make the transition into the new world in which both, men and
women, lovingly and respectfully will work together. God is male and female; light can
only exist by grace of the darkness.
No doubt, Mary Magdalene was the only woman during Jesus’ time representing the
perfect balance between the saint and the hooker; the harmony between the upperworld and the under-world, between heaven and hell, the conscious and the
subconscious. She descended into hell; she went through the seven gates of initiation.
In doing so, she brought her dark powers in balance with her sacredness. She became
the ultimate female, a primal woman; the primal mother who could be the cradle of
spiritualism. Only when we restore the balance between light and dark, only when we
integrate and embrace both poles inside of us, we humans will become full Human.
* Yasmin's vision-quest in the safe closeness of lovely Sweden is the fertile soil to reinforce this
inner process at the fullest.
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5. Back to the Original
The true spiritual traveller let not fool him/herself by ready-made concepts. He/She
discovers that truth is a land without path, and starts – with childish awe – to search
for his/her origin. When we dare to say 'I do not know', we are receptive to un-fold our
true nature. We rise above the identification with body and spirit and start to
experience increasingly deeper layers of being…
Life is like the tides. Things appear and disappear constantly in our awareness. It is our
attachment that wants to cling to the illusionary shape of appearances that we have
become to see as reality. It is this same attachment that says ‘I’ that stops the infinite
flow of evolution, the infinite flow of life. When we begin to remember our original
nature and surrender to the rhythms of the seasons, we become like the tides. No
longer will we associate with the wave, we become the water itself…
* Twenty-four ‘Pearls for the Soul’ and ‘Original’ stories of journeys through Peru and Hawaii
take you to the quiet waters of your heart…
www.yasminverschure.nl
email: [email protected]
Copyright © Stichting Shanti 2010
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LIEFDE IS `AL WAT IS`

Transcription

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