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The Dr Don Prepsheet • Page 1 of 14
308th Day of 2014 there are 57 days left until 2015
23 Days until Thanksgiving
42 Days until Hanukkah (Sunset Dec 16- to sunset Dec. 24)
50 Days until Christmas
TODAY IS:
Midterm Election Day
King Tut Day www.kingtutone.com/tutankhamun/information
National Chicken Lady Day www.thechickenlady.com
Use Your Common Sense Day
BIRTHDAYS ANYBODY REALLY CARES ABOUT
Doris Roberts is 89. Actress ”Melissa & Joey” Sofia (2013-2014); “Madea’s Witness
Protection” Barbara (2012); “Desperate Housewives” Doris Hammond (2012); “The
Middle” Ms. Rinsky (2010-2011); “Call Me, Mrs. Miracle” (TV movie 2010) Mrs. Merkle;
“Mrs. Miracle (TV movie 2009) Mrs. Merkle; “Everybody Loves Raymond” Maria
Barone, Ray’s mom (1996-2005)
Loretta Swit is 76. Actress "Hot Lips Houlihan" on M*A*S*H
Harry Elston is 76. Singer (Friends Of Distinction) Hit 1969: "Grazing in the Grass"
Delbert McClinton is 74. Singer a Grammy Award-winning singer-songwriter and musician
Active as a side-man since at least 1962 and as a band leader since 1972, he has
recorded several major-label albums, and has charted singles on the Billboard Hot
100, Mainstream Rock Tracks, and Hot Country Songs charts. His highest-peaking
single was "Tell Me About It", a 1992 duet with Tanya Tucker which reached #4 on the
country charts
Former First Lady, Laura Bush is 68. Married to George W. Bush 43rd US President
Toshiyuki Nishida is 67. Actor “Emperor” General Kajima (2012)
Markie Post is 64. Actress “Chicago PD” Bunny (2014); “Christmas on the Bayou” Lilly
(2013); “Transformers Prime” (TV series) Voice of June Darby (2010-2012); “Backyard
Wedding” (TV movie 2010); "Ghost Whisperer" Diana Lasseter; "Scrubs" Lily Reid;
"Hearts Afire" Georgie Anne Lahti Hartman; "Night Court" Christine Sullivan (19851992); "The Fall Guy" Terri Shannon (1982-1983)/Terri Michaels (1983-1985).
Kathy Griffin is 54. Actress "Kathy Griffin: The D-List" "Suddenly Susan" Vicki Groener
(1996-2000)
Country singer Kim Forester is 54. (The Forester Sisters)
Ralph Macchio is 53. Actor “Hitchcock” Joe Stefano (2012); “Happily Divorced” Franki
(2012); "Ugly Betty" Archie Rodriguez (2008-2009); "Karate Kid 1, 2 & 3" Daniel
LaRusso; "My Cousin Vinny" William 'Billy' Gambini
Contact: [email protected] for more info
Jeff Probst is 53. Host "Survivor" “The Jeff Probst Talk Show” FYI: Probst was ordained
as a minister by the Universal Life Church in 1999. Probst keeps the snuffer that he
uses to snuff the torches when a contestant is voted out of the game as a souvenir
after every season of Survivor. married his second wife, Lisa Ann Russell, on
December 5, 2011. Through this marriage, Probst is a stepfather to Russell's two
children, son Michael and daughter Ava from her former marriage to actor Mark-Paul
Gosselaar. Probst has stated that he and his wife amicably share custody with
Gosselaar and his second wife, and that the children consider all four to be parents.
Kiersten Warren is 49. Actress “Silent But deadly” “Desperate Housewives” Nora
Huntington (2006-2012); “CSI: Miami” “Dirty Sexy Money” (2007); “Saved by the Bell;
alex Tabor (1993-1994); “Life Goes On” Goodman (1992-1993)
Matthew McConaughey is 45. Actor “True Detective” Detective Rust Cohle (2014); “The
Wolf of Wall Street” Mark Hanna (2013); “Dallas Buyers Club” Ron Woodroof (2013);
“The Lincoln Lawyer” Mick Haller (2011); “Ghosts of Girlfriends Past” Connor Mead;
"We Are Marshall" Jack Lengyel; "Failure to Launch" Tripp; "How to Lose a Guy in 10
Days" Benjamin 'Ben' Barry; "The Wedding Planner" Steve Edison; "A Time to Kill"
Jake Tyler Brigance. 2014 Oscar for Best Performance by an actor in a Leading Role
“Dallas Buyers Club” 2014 Golden Globe Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion
Picture – Drama “Dallas Buyers Club” (2013)
Diddy, Puff Daddy, P Diddy, etc.. (Sean John "Puffy" Combs) is 45. Rapper-producer FYI:
His mother said she will always call him Sean and he will respond to her.
Bethenny Frankel, 43. Reality star
Heather Tom is 39. Actress “Criminal Minds” "The Bold and the Beautiful" Katherine 'Katie'
Logan (2007-2014); "One Life To Live" Kelly Cramer Buchanan Buchanan #3 (20032010); "The Young & Restless" Won an Emmy for playing Victoria Nicole Newman.
Victoria Nicole Newman #2 (1991-1997, 1997-2003); "All My Children" Kelly Cramer
Buchanan (2004-2005)
Marcy Rylan is 34. Actress “General Hospital” Lulu Spencer Falconeri (2012-2014); “the
Young & the Restless” Abby Newman (2010-2013); “Guiding Light” Lizzie Spaulding
(2006-2009)
Jean-Luc Bilodeau is 24. “Baby Daddy” Ben Wheeler (2012-2015); “No Ordinary Family”
“Kyle XY” Josh Trager (2006-2009)
Jessa Duggar, 21 19 and Counting
Darcy Rose Byrnes is 16. Actress “The Legend of Korra” voice of Ikki (2012-2014); “Sofia
the First” Princess Amber (2013-2014); “Desperate Housewives” Penny Scavo (20102012); “Amish Grace: Rebecca Knepp (2010); “Dirty Sexy Money” Kiki George (20082009); “How I Met Your Mother” Lucy Zinman (2008); “The Young & the Restless”
Abby Carlton (2003-2008); “The Bold and the Beautiful” Abby Carlton (2007)
JAM MASTER R-I-Ps
Darla Hood (1931-1979) "Little Rascals" movies.
Will Rogers (1879-1935) Humorist. Born in Oologah, Oklahoma
Art Carney (1918-2003)"Ed Norton" on "The Honeymooners" with Jackie Gleason.
Walter Leland Cronkite, Jr. (1916 – 2009) An American broadcast journalist, best known as
anchorman for the CBS Evening News for 19 years (1962–81). During the heyday of CBS
News in the 1960s and 1970s, he was often cited in viewer opinion polls as "the most
trusted man in America" because of his professional experience and kindly demeanor.
USELESS HISTORY
1842 Abraham Lincoln married Mary Todd in Springfield, IL.
1879 William Penn Adair Rogers was born. The American writer, actor, humorist &
grassroots philosopher arrived on the planet at Oologa, Indian Territory (now
Oklahoma). With aviator Wiley Post, he was killed in an airplane crash. near Point
Barrow, Alaska on August 15, 1935. One of Rogers' favorite quotes, "My forefathers
didn't comer over on the Mayflower, but they met the boat"
1880 The Cash Register was invented by J. Ritty
Imagine where we'd be today without this. I mean, would YOU trust the people
they have working the checkout lanes with ARITHMETIC?
Is it just me, or does today's technology make things SLOWER.
1884 Democrat Grover Cleveland was elected to his first term as president, defeating
Republican James G. Blaine
1922 The entrance to King Tut's Tomb was discovered
It was pretty easy to find.. it had 6 thousand years' worth of old newspapers and
sale flyers piled up in front of it.
The mat in front of the door said "Welcome...FINALLY"
1924 Wyoming elected the first female governor, Nellie T. Ross
1952 Dwight D. Eisenhower was elected president, defeating Democrat Adlai Stevenson.
1979 U.S. Embassy was stormed in Tehran by revolutionaries. Some captives were
released several weeks later but fifty-two were held for 444 days. Ted Koppell's career
was getting ready to really take off.
1980 Ronald Reagan defeated Jimmy Carter for the Presidency. The deficit was only a few
billion back then.
1989 Roxette hit number one with "Listen To Your Heart." It was the first number-one song
to be available only on cassette.
1991 Former President Reagan opened his library in Simi Valley, California.
2001 NBC's "The West Wing" took eight honors at the twice-delayed Emmy Awards,
including best dramatic series; HBO's "Sex and the City" won best comedy series.
2001 The Arizona Diamondbacks won their first World Series by beating the New York
Yankees 3-to-2 in Game Seven.
2004 Yasser Arafat, who was on a life-support machine, was officially declared brain-dead
while in intensive care at a hospital in Paris, according to medical sources inside the
hospital.
2004 Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps was arrested and charged with driving under
the influence by Maryland State Police. Beside the charge of driving under the
influence, Phelps was also charged with driving while impaired by alcohol, violation of
a license restriction, and failure to obey a traffic control device.
2006 Former Prime Minister of Israel Ariel Sharon was admitted to the intensive care unit of
the Sheba Medical Center near Tel Aviv with a chest infection.
2008 Michael Crichton, author of several famous novels including Jurassic Park, The Lost
World, and The Andromeda Strain, died at age 66.
2009 The New York Yankees defeated the Philadelphia Phillies 7-3 in Game 6 to win the
2009 World Series.
2010 MSNBC suspended television pundit Keith Olbermann indefinitely for making political
donations to three Democratic Party candidates.
2013 Eric Rivera Jr. was convicted of second-degree murder in the 2007 killing of NFL
Washington Redskins player Sean Taylor during a burglary.
Stuff to Do
1. AUDIO: If you’re on my daily audio list, this is already in your inbox. If not, Little Big
Town’s “Stay the Night” from The Tonight Show is available for the asking.
2. BIT TO DO: Exit poll. Send your goatboy out to polling places to ask stupid questions.
The list from my files is at the bottom of the sheet.
3. LINK TO GIVE OUT: Quiz to find out which Kardashian you are. I’m Robert.
Thankfully. Find it at thestir.cafemom.com
4. IMPOSSIBLE QUESTION: You can use your cell phone for so many things, now.
Paying bills, getting directions.. even starting your car on a cold day. But twice as
many Americans between the ages of 18 and 65 are using their phones for this than
they did just four years ago. What is it? ANS: Using their phones as their primary
source of election information.
LINES_________________________
There are 2 types of people in this world – people you drink with and people who you
hang out with that make you want to drink.
Landlords who don’t allow dogs but do allow children don’t know very much about
children.
IN THE NEWS
ELECTION DAY
It’s the day where we get to watch news networks try to predict winners based on tiny
fractions of actual results. And pray they get them wrong, just so they have to admit it.
Someone explain to me how, with all of the leaps and bounds technology has madeS
it still is 4 in the morning before all the votes are tallied.
By this time tomorrow, we’ll know if the gridlock in Congress is going to last another
four years or not.
I can make one prediction with absolute certainly. Lawyers will be well represented in
Congress.
NAT’L AVG PRICE FOR GAS LOWER THAN $3/GALLON
They SAY it has nothing to do with the elections, but I’d fill up today, just in case it’s
five bucks a gallon, tomorrow.
Near me, it’s ($2.93) for regular, ($3.05) for premium and $5.95 for Pumpkin Spice.
YELLOWSTONE CONSIDERS INCREASING INTERNET COVERAGE
Isn’t the whole point of going to a national park to get AWAY from the trappings of
technology??
Then, again, what fun is nature if you can’t immediately Instagram a photo of it, telling
criminals that you’re nowhere near home and it’s safe to break in and steal all your
stuff.
NOOO. If they blanket national parks with better internet, there will be no place left for
me to go where my boss won’t expect me to do some work while on vacation.
TERMINALLY ILL GIRL WENT THROUGH WITH PLANS TO “DIE WITH DIGNITY “
Wonder what the over-under is on how long before her husband starts dating, again. I
mean, he’s known this for six months. I’m betting he already has a target list.
APPLE i-WATCH RELEASE PUSHED BACK TO SPRING, 2015
Funny that announcement comes right after the switch back to standard time. I’m
guessing that’s something they forgot to program into the thing. Oops.
Android will wait to see all the bugs it has before making their own phone watch that
will have 100 more features and 99 you will never use – AL
TENANTS MOVING INTO ONE WORLD TRADE CENTER
The building is only two-thirds leases. Pretty sure those are the two-thirds that lie
below jet-impact level.
It costs 89-100 dollars a square foot to lease space on one of the upper floors. If you
think that’s bad, you should see how much the insurance costs.
Does that include parachutes? Because I’m not going up there without one.
JORAN van der SLOOT STABBED IN PRISON
This just a few days after CNN laid off Nancy Grace??? I’m just sayinS
POLITICS AND OTHER STRANGE BEDFELLOWS
JOE BIDEN PREDICTS DEMOCRATS WILL MAINTAIN CONTROL OF THE SENATE
Might be time for that follow-up MRI, Joe.
He’s also predicting the Washington Nationals will win the World Series. Nobody has
the heart to tell him the Giants already did that, last week.
Joe Biden is Quincy Magoo with better eyesight.
Why, yes, the Vice President has his marijuana prescription card. Why do you ask?
BUSINESS UNUSUAL
CARNIVAL CRUISE LINES TO OFFER BROADBAND INTERNET ON ALL SHIPS
This is great news. It means you can now quickly upload pictures of the quarantined
Ebola patients, power failures and sewage rolling down the walls. Cool.
Get ready for the new “cruise ship tan line.” That’d be the top of your head and the
back of your neck all red because you spent the whole trip looking down at your iPad.
Just remember when you’re posting on Facebook to leave your Geo-Tags enabled so
I’ll know you’re in the middle of the ocean when I break into your house to get your
televisions.
Because nothing says “vacation” like being reachable by your boss and your friends.
On the plus side, you can quickly head to WebMD to check your symptoms to see if
you really DO have Norovirus.
STARWOOD HOTELS: USE YOUR SMARTPHONE TO CHECK IN, OPEN DOOR
You can check in without going to the desk and you can use your phone to open the
door. Then, again, you can throw away a room key. Your husband’s going to go
through your phone. Just warning you, now. – Andie Lynne
What the industry needs is a room door that has a dollar-bill acceptor like soft drink
machines have. Put in your twenty and it’s all yours until 11 am, tomorrow.
My luck I'd get the one room with no signal and have to go back down to the desk
anyway.
Note to self.. keep a charger cord with me at all times, or I'm sleeping in the lobby
Blinding me with Science
MAN WHO UNDERWENT SURGERY TO GET RID OF SEIZURES ALSO LOST FEAR
OF SPIDERS
But he now pees the bed, so you can’t have everything.
The 44-year-old man had a crippling fear of spiders before the surgery. If scientists
can pinpoint the part of the brain responsible for phobias, perhaps he can work on my
wife’s apparent fear of sex. – long way to get to that punchline.
He no longer has seizures. He’s no longer afraid of spiders. Valerie Simpson wants
his phone number. Call me when you get that, even if it’s next week. – Must’ve spent
an hour trying to come up with a black widow with a recognizable name. Gotta be a
better one than that..
SPORTS UNILLUSTRATED
SAN ANTONIO, TX: ARGUMENT OVER WRESTLING LEADS TO SHOOTING
Police say two men got into an argument over which of the two is the better wrestler. The
argument escalated, and then one of the men pulled a gun, which is certainly against all
the rules of wrestling, and shot the other man in the leg. The victim is hospitalized with
non-life threatening injuries. The guy who won the argument drove away and remains at
large
Not sure you can say the guy with the gun won the argument. If anything, he proved
the other guy’s point.
I would have led with, “I’m a better insane and cold-blooded killer than you.” Most
people will just concede that one and walk away.
He’s NOT the better wrestler. A real wrestler would NEVER use a gun. He’d have
used a folding chair.
PEOPLE, ETC//
ANGIE HARMON, JASON SEHORN SEPARATE
Which means she’s available. I’d better start getting in shape.
Sounds like Jason might have dropped the ball. Pun intended.
She films her show in Los Angeles for six months out of the year, while he and the kids
live in North Carolina. Hot NFL player without a woman for six months. That just has
“infidelity” written all over it.
OBIT: 'CAR TALK' CO-HOST TOM MAGLIOZZI DIES AT 77
So, now, the show will be hosted by “Click and ..Aaack.” – internet
Tom’s funeral will be a private event. Which, when you think about it, is a little
contradictory. – Andie Lynne
Dear Car Talk. My 1937 Magliozzi just died and I can’t seem to get it started, againS
The brothers grew up in a tough neighborhood in Cambridge Massachusetts... for
some reason "bad neighborhood" and Massachusetts just doesn’t scare me – AL
FOX CANCELS UTOPIA
Ironically, because it was far from perfect.
Fox called it a “year-long social experiment.” That only lasted two months. If I were
them, I’d just leave the contestants out there, go back in a year and see what has
happened.
In fact, that’s a great idea for a show. Maroon 30 people on an island and – while
they’re there – the rest of the world gets a disease and dies. Copyright (your name).
Just in case anyone else comes up with this, I have dibs on the movie rights.
STEVIE WONDER EXPECTING TRIPLETS
This will be his 9th, 10th and 11th children. Which has to be devastating to his first kid
who just watched that inheritance shrink even MORE.
LISA RINNA JOINS 'REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS' FOR SEASON 5
Though, technically, there’s not a lot of “real” left on Lisa Rinna.
UNCLE POODLE WILL FIGHT FOR CUSTODY OF HONEY BOO BOO
Uncle Poodle wants custody of Honey Boo Boo if Mama June fails to sever ties with
convicted child molester Mark McDaniel. Though it’s rather strange that the felon is the
only one in this mess not known by a street name.
You don’t think he’s trying to get a hold of her trust fund, do you? Why NOOOOooo.
What kind of redneck would ever consider doing that?
Uncle Poodle says he has the financial wherewithal to care for Honey Boo Boo. Plus,
his house is walking distance from a KFC. Not that Honey Boo Boo “walks.”
Honestly, I’d rather Richard Simmons get custody of Honey Boo Boo.
BRITISH POP STAR KATIE MELUA FOUND A SPIDER LIVING IN HER EAR
She’d kept hearing a noise, so she went to a doctor who discovered the arachnid.
They figure it came in on a pair of earbuds. Which, given the fact she’s a pop star, tells
us the spider’s probably deaf, now.
JAMIE DORNAN WON'T GO FULL FRONTAL IN 'FIFTY SHADES OF GREY'
Which tells us he’s more like 32 shades. Maybe even shorter.
The reason? They’re filming the sex scenes in Minnesota.
He did read the book before auditioning, right?? – Andie Lynne
Sounds like someone’s got a tattoo he’s a little embarrassed about.
COUNTRY MUSIC NOTES
Taylor Swift has announced her 1989 World Tour. That’s the album name.. she’s not
going back in time, though that would be pretty cool. Tickets go on sale November 14th,
though you can buy them a week early if you have an American Express card or belong to
the fan club. Here we go:
Taylor Swift 1989 Tour Dates:
5/20 – CenturyLink Center – Bossier City,
La.
5/22 – LSU Tiger Stadium – Baton Rouge,
La.
5/30 – Ford Field – Detroit, Mich.
6/2 – KFC Yum! Center – Louisville, Ky.
6/3 – Quicken Loans Arena – Cleveland,
Ohio
6/6 – Heinz Field – Pittsburgh, Pa.
6/8 – Time Warner Cable Arena –
Charlotte, N.C.
6/9 – PNC Arena – Raleigh, N.C.
6/13 – Lincoln Financial Field –
Philadelphia, Pa.
6/20 – Lanxess Arena – Cologne, Germany
6/21 – Ziggo Dome – Amsterdam, Holland
6/23 – The SSE – Hydro Glasgow, U.K.
6/24 – Arena – Manchester, U.K.
6/27 – British Summertime Hyde Park –
London
7/6 – Canadian Tire Centre – Ottawa
7/7 – Bell Centre – Montreal
7/11 – MetLife Stadium – East Rutherford,
NJ.
7/13 – Nationals – Park Washington, D.C.
7/18 – Soldier Field – Chicago
7/24 – Gillette Stadium – Foxborough,
Mass.
7/25 – Gillette Stadium – Foxborough,
Mass.
8/1 – BC Place Stadium – Vancouver, BC.
8/4 – Rexall Place – Edmonton, Alberta
8/5 – Rexall Place – Edmonton, Alberta
8/8 – CenturyLink Field – Seattle
8/15 – Levi’s Stadium – Santa Clara, Calif.
8/17 – Gila River Arena – Glendale, Ariz.
8/18 – Gila River Arena – Glendale, Ariz.
8/25 – Staples Center – Los Angeles
8/26 – Staples Center – Los Angeles
8/29 – PETCO Park – San Diego
9/4 – EnergySolutions Arena – Salt Lake
City
9/5 – Pepsi Center – Denver
9/6 – Pepsi Center – Denver
9/9 – Fargodome – Fargo, N.D.
9/11 – Xcel Energy Center – St. Paul. Minn.
9/12 – Xcel Energy Center – St. Paul, Minn.
9/16 – Bankers Life Fieldhouse –
Indianapolis, Ind.
9/17 – Nationwide Arena – Columbus, Ohio
9/18 – Nationwide Arena – Columbus, Ohio
9/21 – Sprint Center – Kansas City, Mo.
9/22 – Sprint Center – Kansas City, Mo.
9/25 – Bridgestone Arena – Nashville,
Tenn.
9/26 – Bridgestone Arena – Nashville,
Tenn.
10/2 – Rogers Centre – Toronto
10/3 – Rogers Centre – Toronto
10/8 – Wells Fargo Arena – Des Moines
10/9 – CenturyLink Center – Omaha
10/10 – CenturyLink Center – Omaha
10/13 – Scottrade Center – St. Louis, Mo.
10/14 – Scottrade Center – St. Louis, Mo.
10/17 – AT&T Stadium – Dallas, Texas
10/20 – Rupp Arena – Lexington, Ky.
10/21 – Greensboro Coliseum Complex –
Greensboro, N.C.
10/24 – Georgia Dome – Atlanta, Ga.
10/27 – American Airlines Arena – Miami,
Fla.
10/31 – Raymond James Stadium –
Tampa, Fla.
Meanwhile, don’t look for Taylor Swift’s music on Spotify. She’s removed everything from
the streaming service.
Speaking of tours, Brad Paisley is getting all set for the winter leg of his Country Nation
World Tour. Here are the dates:
1/17 -- Morgantown, WV, WVU Coliseum
1/22 -- Southaven, MS, Landers Center
1/23 -- Pensacola, FL, Pensacola Civic Center
1/24 -- Estero, FL, Germaine Arena
1/29 -- Green Bay, WI, Resch Center
1/30 -- Cedar Rapids, IA, U.S. Cellular Center
1/31 -- Brookings, SD, Swiftel Center
2/5 -- DeKalb, IL, Northeastern Illinois University
2/6 -- Springfield, MO, JQH Arena
2/7 -- Youngstown, OH, The Covelli Center
3/4 -- Colorado Springs, CO, Colorado Springs World Arena
3/5 -- Las Cruces, NM, Pan American Center
3/6 -- Lubbock, TX, United Supermarkets Arena
The performers’ list for tomorrow night’s CMA Awards just got longer. You already know
Miranda Lambert, Blake Shelton and Keith Urban are just a few who will take the stage.
In addition, Dierks Bentley, Jason Aldean, Tim McGraw and Kenny Chesney have
been announced as part of the lineup, along with the Doobie Brothers, Hunter Hayes,
Jennifer Nettles, Michael McDonald, Thomas Rhett and Cole Swindell. Ashley
Monroe has also been added to Blake Shelton’s performance.
Nashville star Hayden Panettiere says she’s gained forty pounds of baby weight and feels
as if her feet are about to snap because of the strain.
Nicole Kidman may be married to Keith Urban, but that doesn’t make her a country music
expert. Ellen DeGeneres gave her a quiz using lyrics to see if she thought they were from
actual country songs. Ellen started with “Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was
Pure.” Nicole didn’t think that was a song, but it is. Same thing happened with the Jerry
Reed classic, “She Got the Gold Mine and I Got the Shaft.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gthYWwUv4-c
Cole Swindell will perform in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.
STATES OF CONFUSION[sm]
MESA, ARIZONA – Brooklin Yazzie says one of the trick-or-treaters who visited her house
on Friday, got a little extra treatS.. Her wedding ring. Brooklin says she had put the ring in
a candy jar while carving pumpkins, but then she forgot to get the ring out when when she
filled it with Halloween candy. While the ring might be priceless to her, it’s not going to
fetch much on eBay. She says it’s nothing special and only worth about fifty bucks or so.
They were engaged on the tonight show... now Fallon can cash in on the divorce –
Andie Lynne
Yeah, RIGHT. I’m sure that’s what she’s telling her husband. Meanwhile, the ring is
in the lost-and-found at the Red Roof Inn down the street where she’s known as
“noon-to-four-on-Tuesdays.”
The fun part’s going to come when she gets sued by a family because their kid ate
the ring – Andie Lynne
SANTA CRUZ, CALIFORNIA – A man wearing a Fox News reporter costume on
Halloween was assaulted after the attacker told him he "hates Fox News." He took the
guy’s prop microphone and stuffed it down his pants, then assaulted him with an aluminum
tennis racquet.
The election isn’t even over and ALREADY, the Democrats aren’t taking it well.
I'd go dressed as a CNN Reporter, but - according to the ratings - Nobody would
know who I was supposed to be.
HOLLYWOOD, FLORIDA – 26-year-old KathyAnn Ferguson stepped off a flight from
Jamaica on Sunday when she informed a Customs agent she had a package of cocaine
hidden ..in her hoo ha. 175 grams, to be exact.
STILL couldn’t attract a boyfriend? Jeez.
She was going to sell it in Jamaica, but once people found out where it had been,
they wanted no part of sticking it up their noses.
Must have been a scary-looking customs agent to get her to admit to that.
Sor all of the drug-sniffing dogs got as far as her thighs before keeling over dead.
There’s a “crack” joke in all of this, but I’m leaving it alone.
Exit Poll Questions
Do you think people from Oceola should be granted US Citizenship? [local county]
Which do you think is worse, Armageddon or legegeddon?
Would you rather know when you’re going to die or how you’re going to die?
Should the state legislature vote to allow hunting the previously endangered Jackalope?
Which of the following isn’t a Bernstein Bear: Papa Q, Honey or Richard?
At what age should twerking not be legal?
Would you rather have the power to fly or to read minds?
Should we stop harvesting clouds for use in smoke machines?
Who opens the door for the bus driver when nobody’s in the bus.
Wet or dry? How do you usually prefer it?
Who would you like to see as the next President of the United Kingdom?
What’s the last thing you took into the bathroom to read?
How much money do you make each year?
Which one of your kids is most likely to someday wind up behind bars? For what offense?
Do you normally talk to strangers pretending to be exit pollers?
Is this really the best you can dress?
Name something you absolutely refuse to eat.
Where do you keep your condiments?
Have you ever used the wrong toothbrush.. and did you tell the owner you did it?
Which did come first, the chicken or the egg?
Do you use public restrooms or hold it until you get home?
What makes the sky blue?
What’s the nastiest tasting thing to ever cross your lips?
Were there any names on the ballot you just "guessed" at? Can you remember what they
were?
Have you ever eaten something while you were in the grocery store? Pay for it?
What were you thinking when you did your hair, this morning?
What part of your body would you most like to change?
What did you eat for dinner, last night?
Name something your neighbors do that you would never even consider.
What nickname does your spouse have for you?
Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a dirty phone call?
If the President were an admitted heterosexual, could you vote for him?
What’s the most expensive thing you’ve ever taken home from work?
-
Have you ever looked in someone else’s windows?
-
Do you own any underwear someone else bought for you?
-
What's the strangest-named friend you have?
-
Know where I can get me a gun?
-
So, where did your parents go wrong?
-Do you snore? Which side do you like to sleep on? Ever wake up and not know where you
were?
-
List five places your finger has been so far, today.
-
Is there anyone out there who could blackmail you?
-
Are there pictures of you you’re happy aren’t circulating on the internet?
-
Did you inhale?
-
On a scale of 1 to 10, tell me how I look in these pants.
-
How long have you had that rash?
-
Have you ever seen anything like this? (then just wait for an answer)
-
Is there someone you work with you wouldn’t mind hooking up with?
-
Are you a member of the mile high club?
-
What were you doing the last time someone said, “Stop doing that?”
-
What’s the most embarrassing thing about your mate?
-
How often ..is too often?
-
Have you ever double-dipped at a party?
-
What’s the last thing your tongue has touched that wasn’t food?
-
Have you ever blamed a dog for something you did?
-
Are there secrets you’re keeping from your spouse?
-
Other than money, name something you can have too much of.
-
Can you guess where my left hand was about 20 minutes ago?
-Where do you think I really need to lose some weight? No, really. Tell me. I can take it.
-
What do you think Spam is made from?
-
Tell me how you'd vote, for or against, on these issues:
Freedom of speech
Right to bear arms
Right to bare butts
5 day waiting period before buying a Pit Bull
Extend the snipe hunting season by two weeks.
Allowing pizza delivery drivers to deliver the beer, too.
Require fast food drive-thru workers to bathe
Limit the amount of hydrocarbons emitted by broadcast executives.
Restrict sheep husbandry to non-metropolitan areas.
[local] Order Novi to change its name to something more positive, such as "Yes-vi."
[local] Require road construction crews to put up a sign indicating how close they are to their
goal, much like charities do with their fundraising.
Stop television stations from breaking in with news bulletins that really aren’t news bulletins.
Allow homeowners to collect fifty dollars from anyone who lets their dog poop on the
homeowner’s lawn and scoop it.
A law that requires employers to give 10-grand to anybody they fire on a Friday. And an
automatic tax audit to any employer who fires anyone within a month of Christmas.
SA rule that requires all condo and homeowner association directors to undergo fifteen
weeks of sensitivity training. Per year.
Make exit pollers get a license before doing this.

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