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 Table of Contents Poetry and Short Story Submissions “Five Five Seven Five” “When Men Could Fly” “Unfinished Poem 1” “Outside In/Inside Out” “Three Bottles of Champagne” 4 5 6 7 8 9 33 Art and Photography Submissions “Untitled – Punk By The Slice” “Fieri Point” Music Submissions 19 10 Interviews The Merry Go Rounds Special Features Jortsfest Review Book Review – “A Visit From the Goon Squad” Where is Ke$ha? 10 Million Words But Only One Vipa Don Tonald’s Cosmic Horrorscopes High Class Restaurant Reviews – Cookout 1 21 23 24 26 30 32 Lint & Loose Change An Under the Couch Production This issue worked on by Sara Konecny, Meredith Jacobs, Nick Bond, Kyle Mackey, Gabe Waksman, John Quinn, Minh-­‐Thu Nguyen, Kaitlin Shea, and Perry Schell What is Lint & Loose Change? Lint & Loose Change is a free speech zine by Under the Couch showcasing the writing, art, music, and opinions of Georgia Tech. What is a zine? A zine is a small magazine run by means of independent submissions and publishing. Edited by Sara Konecny Cover art by Minh-­‐Thu Nguyen Submissions: [email protected] llczine.tumblr.com facebook.com/llczine Under the Couch – Georgia Tech 350 Ferst Drive Atlanta, GA 30313 2 How can I get published? Literally submit. We are desperate. How do I become a contributor? Come to Musician’s Network meetings Mondays at 7 PM in Under the Couch for more information! 3 Five Five Seven Five When Men Could Fly Thomas Speers Marcus G. Taylor Haiku are not just Five-­‐seven-­‐five, you cheeselords There is nature too Thunder and rainfall Over swaying pine and elm The air is calmer A sound on the path The deer strides onwards over Well worn railroad ties The creek sings in joy Silver fish in the sunlight But no humans swim A bird strikes the air Below his metal brother The moment is gone 4 In the late 80’s, I remember watching men fly on T.V. live; I was about six or seven and it was on every Saturday night: the time was 6:05. Larger than life figures that could soar through the air, Some of them could slam giants and others walked with flair. There were some who would always do the right thing as honorable men, Others would do anything to achieve victory, even cheat to win. Most of these men looked like comic book characters, except they were real; All of them could handle any pain, except getting hit by a chair of steel. Inside that 20x20, I watched people overcome and defy the odds; They were called pro wrestlers but it felt like my eyes were watching gods. Every Saturday night, from 6:05 to midnight, I saw the strongest women and men; I could never fly like them but I would try to do their moves in my parent’s den. From the first time watching this with my dad, I was put in a lifetime headlock; I wanted to paint my face and be the champ while punching a bad guy so hard his head would rock. Twenty years later, I am not lacing up boots or putting on tights to cover my thighs, But sometimes I wish I could have entered the squared circle: the place where men can fly. 5 Unfinished Poem 1 Outside In/Inside Out Anonymous Anonymous there was a kiss and it was hard soft sweet and it burns in your ribs hands heart and you’re held like you are silver gold stars and you feel like you are air there is tonight and you are tired empty lonely and it hurts in your ribs hands heart and the song on the radio sings of love loss ache and you are thinking of 6 They tell you happiness comes from the inside that doesn’t work when your brain’s not on your side a Zoloft a day keeps the doctor away and I work on my happiness from the outside. Surround yourself with pretty things to keep away the ugly thoughts and maybe the happiness will sink on through. One day I’ll smile from the inside out and not just the outside in. 7 Three Bottles of Champagne Veronica Klucik A poem composed via drunk journaling. 3 bottles of champagne I drank 3 bottles of champagne today one was regular one was peach one was strawberry and then I threw up but I lived and I think this is a testimony to say that whaterver shit you may be going through, you can make it dude because I had three bottles of champagne today and if I can make it though that you can make it through anything By Punk by the Slice. 8 9 The Merry Go Rounds Interview by Meredith Jacobs The Merry Go Rounds are a twee-­‐pop band from Georgia Tech that formed in September 2013. They are a band that is near and dear to our hearts at both Lint & Loose Change and Under the Couch, and we were more than happy to interview them about band members old and new, how far they’ve come, what twee means to them, and the release of their new EP, The Way Back. Follow the QR code on page 20 to listen to The Way Back and receive a free EP download! Who is in the band? What do you do? How long have you been in the band? McGrath. Someone told him that I am a singer, and he says, ‘Wow! A singer! Do you want to be in a band with everybody?!’ and I said ‘Okay.’ I showed up to the first convening of The Merry Go Rounds, and there were about 20 people there. We all got on stage and starting playing random instruments. It was terrifying, but I kept going because it was strange in an interesting way. It ended up dwindling down to 12 members, and we had about 12 or 13 of us when we played our first show. Then we had 10, 8 and now 6, and it has stayed at 6. Jared created a Facebook group for us to use to talk and decided to call it the Merry Go Rounds. I really don’t know how he came up with that. He just called it that, and that’s what we were. We were the Merry Go Rounds.” Caroline: “I sing, and I have been in the band since its birth, September of 2013.” Fielding: “I play guitar, and I have been in the band since January 2015.” Mitcham: “I play saxophone, and I have been in the band since last fall, October 2014.” Jed: “I am a drummer, and I have been in the band since the beginning.” Tanika: “I play the violin, and I have been in the band since January 2015.” What is the story behind the name? Caroline: “So I sang at the first Open Mic of the semester [Fall 2013], and at the next [Musician’s Network] meeting I got dragged over to [my friend] Jared 10 The Merry Go Rounds consist of, from left to rigt, guitarist Fielding Keeley, drummer Jed Paz, violinist Tanika Bantukul, saxophonist Mitcham Tuell, and vocalist Caroline Walden. Photos by Steve and Kim Walden. 11 How would you describe the songwriting process? How has it changed with the various lineup changes? Collective: “Oh…” Jed: “I know at the beginning of the Merry Go Rounds, individuals did a lot of songwriting. They would come forward with an almost completed song, and we would flesh it out together.” Caroline: “We did write ‘PB & Jam’ together. That was a group effort where we jammed on four chords.” Jed: “I would say a good portion of the songs on our first album were originals from different members that we took and made our own. After that we struggled with the music writing process.” Caroline: “After that we didn’t write songs.” Tanika: “I know for ‘Daybreak’, we were all messing around in Caroline’s kitchen…” Caroline: “…Okay, they threw a bunch of magnetic letters from my fridge on the floor, and they were like ‘We’re going to pick a bunch of letters and they’re going to be chords.’” Tanika: “But then we went outside and it was raining and we were sitting on the pollen covered swing seat, and Mitcham was like, ‘Here’s this kind of sad riff that I wrote, let’s make everyone cry because it’s raining outside.’ We had part of song and decided to do something with it.” Mitcham: “And that was that.” Caroline: “For the new EP, we were like, ‘We are going 12 to write an EP, and it is going to happen right now.’ We forced each other to sit down together and do stuff until it happened. Mitcham brought us the skeletons of ‘Falling’ and ‘The Way Back.’ As we said, ‘Daybreak’ was a thing where we all got together and worked on it. [Our friend and former band member] Chris Deese came up with the drum part for ‘First Dance’ while he was our drummer when Jed was [studying abroad]. It was actually hard to practice because after every song, Chris Deese would play something completely different on the drums.” Mitcham: “At the end of one rehearsal he was like *dancey drum noise*” Caroline: “We were like, ‘Hey Chris, we’re going to use this drum part, so help us write a song.’” Fielding: “We sat in UtC, and he played that on a loop while I messed around with chord progressions. Going into all of this writing, I had a progression that was in C#m that I really liked, which I ended up adapting to fit the song. I also wanted to write something with pretty open chords, and that ended up being the bridge of the song.” What has been your favorite performing experience? Caroline: “Does anyone want to contest that this Friday night [EP Release show] was the best?” Fielding: “I have performed with the Merry Go Rounds twice, and only one of them was an EP Release show, and it was pretty damn lit.” Tanika: “Any time playing with Caroline Walden is my favorite time.” 13 Mitcham: “I have a couple. I thought the EP release show was probably the best overall. There are a couple of other memorable ones for me. The one at UtC and the one at the Masquerade are pretty memorable for me. One, because it was the first time I played at UtC, and it was the first time I played a rock show where people were interested and dancing and singing along. It was fun. People were pretty excited. The next show at the Masquerade was cool for a variety of reasons. The story there is Caroline likes this band…” Caroline: “Alright, this band I liked called Paradise Fears, which was my favorite, favorite band for two years in high school, came through town. On a whim, I emailed the Masquerade asking them to be on this bill because I thought we would be great for it, and then we were on the bill. I screamed a lot.” Mitcham: “It was cool for two reasons. One, it was the Masquerade. We were playing Hell at the Masquerade, which is a cool venue that probably won’t be in that location for much longer. But also, the audience consisted entirely of teenage girls. Yes, that is kind of creepy and kind of weird, but it was a memorable experience.” dudes were dancing to our twee-­‐pop. In Philly, they gave us an encore in the middle of the show.” Speaking of twee-­‐pop, how would you describe the “twee as fuck” movement? Caroline: “Oh my god, where is Jared when you need him? Okay, so, at the first meeting when there were 20 people sitting around thinking ‘Why are we all here? Why are we all going to be in a band? This isn’t going to work,’ Jared starts a PowerPoint that is composed of pictures of kittens, sweaters, board games, yarn and clouds. He explains that each one is twee. We were all very confused at this point. That was it. Basically, no one really knows what twee is, but if you want a standard definition, I believe that it is slang back in the 80’s punk bands would call poppy bands ‘twee.’ It was supposed to be an insult, and then they adopted and were like ‘We’re twee as fuck!’ which is kind of punk in itself.” Caroline: “Also, Jed and I were the only ones who went on tour [two summers ago]. The shows in Philly and Baltimore I will never forget.” Jed: “I think as far as live experiences go, Baltimore was my favorite because it was really weird…” Caroline: “We were in this seedy place, on a bill with all these noise core bands. A bunch of scary looking older 14 The Merry Go Rounds singer Caroline Walden at the band’s EP release show at the Drunken Unicorn on August 28. Photos by Steve and Kim Walden. Tanika: “I had a friend nicknamed Twee for the entirety of middle school, and I hadn’t heard that term for about five years, until coming here and heard about the Merry Go Rounds. From what we understood, cute to the point of making you want to vomit.” Mitcham: “I remember reading somewhere that it’s actually kind of a nasty term.” Tanika: “Yeah, like sickly sweet.” Of all band members past and present, who would you say is the most twee? Caroline: “’First Dance’ is my favorite, too, because it is the only one that doesn’t give me hideous emotions when I sing it because it’s not about anything relevant to my life. Also, because we play it a lot faster live, so it just wrecks everyone and it’s amazing. I can’t not dance to it. I get to sing really high notes, and I also get to have a three part harmony with myself in the bridge, which is probably my favorite thing I’ve ever done musically.” Fielding: “The other thing I like is that I get to play a D#7b5 in the chorus and that kind of just makes it for me.” All: *point to Fielding* Tanika: “Fielding makes us all want to throw up.” Fielding: “I don’t make myself want to throw up.” Tanika: “Also, during the bridge of ‘First Dance’ there are some pretty killer violin and saxophone harmonies. It’s a lot of fun to play. Everyone was dancing at the show.” Caroline: “Sometimes I get so overwhelmed about how cute Fielding is, and I want to throw up.” What is your favorite song on your new EP, The Way Back, and why? Tanika: “I love playing ‘Falling’ because I don’t get to sing much. Singing with Caroline Walden kills me.” Jed: “’First Dance’ because it’s the most fun to play. It’s very drummy.” Mitcham: “My favorite is also ‘First Dance’ because I didn’t write it, so it’s actually good. I also have a mad sax solo.” Fielding: “’First Dance’ is also my pick for similar reasons. I get to play a bitchin’ [guitar] solo, and I get to listen to a bitchin’ sax solo. I did write a lot of the guitar parts. I am very narcissistic and I like listening to myself play guitar.” 16 How do you feel your EP release show at the Drunken Unicorn went? Collective: “Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!” Fielding: “In a word, lit.” Caroline: “It was insane. I spent all summer thinking about it and planned the whole thing in my head. I would go through and be like this is exactly how I want it to go, in my head. For the first time in my whole life, something went exactly the way I imagined it. The entire show was perfect, to the point of me not believing it was really happening. 112 people came and paid and stayed for our set.” What is next for the band? Fielding: “We’re playing shows for the next two weekends, and hopefully we will continue to play shows. I really like performing with you guys.” 17 Caroline: “A lot of us have ideas, such as playing far away on weekends and maybe a Spring Break tour. I’d love to write more music. I feel that we are all creatively in a place where we are comfortable with each other.” Fielding: “Writing this EP was my first experience really writing music, especially with other people. I had a couple of things that I had put together. I really like doing finger-­‐style guitar arrangements of other stuff but never really much original writing. It’s new to me, and I don’t think it’s really my forte. I would like to continue doing it because I really enjoyed it. I’m definitely looking forward to writing more music.” Mitcham: “I want to write more music. Let’s do another EP!” Tanika: “For me, nothing I had written is easily translatable to a band-­‐style and not conducive to this sort of environment. I would love to get into to that sort of stuff.” Jed: “I would love to write a drum part for once. Hopefully we will get to writing soon, and I can contribute. We’ll see.” Any additional comments? Tanika: “I love this band.” Caroline: “I love this band.” Fielding: “I didn’t know that I was the most twee member of the band. I’m still processing it. It means a lot. Thanks guys.” Caroline: “Thank you to all the readers that were at the release show. It means so much to me. Not only to have your audience excited to be there and dancing during your set, but looking out there and seeing that half of them are your best friends. It feels really great.” Music Submissions Nick Bond Scan the QR code and check out these original music submissions by local Under the Couch, Georgia Tech, and Atlanta-­‐based artists! Send your own original music submissions or playlist compilations, along with a short description of the piece to [email protected] to be featured! “Deuterium” – Weed Can Kill You And Should Be Illegal Genre: Noise, Experimental An experimental effort by harsh noise group Weed Can Kill You And Should Be Illegal. Definitely noise, and exactly as harsh as they wanted it to be—which is to say, unless you’re into harsh noise already, it may not be worth the damage to your headphones. Or your ears. Long Necked Dope Genre: Electronic Electronic, sometimes mellow, sometimes tense, always thoroughly bumpin’. Definitely something to listen to the dark, with nobody around. It’ll give you feels you never thought you’d feel. 19 “The Way Back” – The Merry Go Rounds Genre: Twee, Pop Released just last week (at the time of publication), this is the Merry Go Rounds’ first big release since Recess, released a year ago. Consisting of four songs with wildly varying yet still equally awesome styles, plus two bonus tracks, you’ll want to listen to this one over and over again. “Kill For a Dream” – Avrosh Kumar (playlist) Remember those days when you just want to curl with your guitar, have coffee with it, have it by your side on the park bench, sleep with your fingers curled around its neck? Some songs just bring you and your guitar closer so you can sit in a corner of your room and play them all day. Some songs are just meant to be played like that, with you whispering the lyrics and your fingers plucking the strings till you can't make out the darkness in your room from the dark glow of a dreamspace. I think some of you'd prefer the acoustic version of Courtney Barnett's songs. Jortsfest Review Michael Leon With this year’s lineup highlighted by the positively brutal Gillian Carter and Atlanta’s own shoegazers, Twin Studies, Jortsfest was the brainchild of a half-­‐
joking request by Maria Sotnikova to Michael Leon. In 2013, Maria sarcastically inquired about how cool it would be to start an end-­‐of-­‐summer DIY celebration with a theme of everybody’s favorite summer article: jorts. After a joke was taken literally, the festival was born. Mazzy Star – “Fade Into You” KT Tunstall – “Hidden Heart “ Beady Eye – “Kill For a Dream” Courtney Barnett – “History Eraser” Zero 7 – “Destiny” Courtney Barnett – “Avant Gardener” Radiohead – “Faust Arp” KT Tunstall – “Feel It All” Courtney Barnett – “Out of the Woodwork” 7 Worlds Collide – “Black Silk Ribbon” Air – “Alone in Kyoto” “Salute yr jorts.” Photo by Kenedee Hodges. This year’s third edition of the annual festival was very widely agreed to be the best so far. The festival started fast and furious with grindcore band No Clouds, pummeling the surprisingly large early audience with equal mix melody and equal mix noise. Under the Couch’s Antarcticats performed their surfy jams later in the day to a head-­‐bobbing crowd. But the band that may have had the most positive crowd response was 21 fronted by Under the Couch’s own Carter Sutherland. Sea Ghost’s keyboard-­‐driven garagey jams sent the room into a frenzy of push pits and crowd surfing, highlighted by a mid-­‐set cover of the Strokes’ “Reptilia” that was as beautiful as it was messy. The day closed with Twin Studies, whose swirling, depth-­‐filled guitar and keyboard sat behind melodic basslines to create music as dream-­‐like as it was dancy. Book Reviews – “A Visit From the Goon Squad” Urban Dictionary comes second only to Sydney Egan’s fourth novel in bringing the true meaning of this term to light. Though hard to say whether the work is truly a novel or simply a collection of short stories, A Visit From the Goon Squad is a humbling exploration of what it means to be a mere supporting character in someone else’s life. Sara Konecny sonder-­‐ n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own. Antarcticats drummer Chad Miller. Photo by Kenedee Hodges. Sea Ghost. Photo by Kenedee Hodges. With 10 fantastic performances, the third Jortsfest was an absolute blast. I would wager to say it was a pretty decent appetizer for this Saturday’s (9/6) second annual Couchella. The book opens with the story of Sasha, a 34-­‐year old kleptomaniac working as a booking assistant in New York City. An endearingly corrupt character, one can’t help but become engrossed in her world as she confides in her therapist about life, loss, and the pen she stole from her old boss Bennie, who used to put gold flakes in his coffee to stimulate his libido. However, just as we are fully immersed in her story, the chapter ends and she is gone without a trace. Then, the next chapter opens with a top New York City music agent named Bennie, sprinkling gold flakes into his coffee and paying no attention to his assistant Sasha, whom is only mentioned once over the course of the chapter. So the story continues, changing perspective chapter by chapter, until, suddenly, the worlds of so many fleeting passerby connect for in a fantastically dystopian climax—even if for just a moment, before each character parts ways resumes their respective life. For fans of: The Catcher in the Rye, John Green, Brave New World 23 Where is Ke$ha? Kaitlin Shea Have you seen her? She could be manager of a Costco in Detroit. She could have been killed during a drug deal (kidding, I don’t think she even did drugs. Maybe cocaine, but that doesn’t count). Maybe she’s happily married with three children and a minivan. I honestly have no idea. I remember a few years ago I watched a documentary in which she was trying to get over her ex-­‐boyfriend, Harold. She was going through a really rough time. Ke$ha was taking over the world. Tik Tok was just the beginning. Your Love is My Drug? She rode an elephant in that video. That girl was dedicated to the arts. Don’t even get me started on Blow – the anthem of this generation. Take It Off, which urged us to expose the promiscuity we had been suppressing. We 100% have her to thank for how far we’ve come since 2010. We were so naïve, and she taught us so much. Here’s what we learned: 1. Glitter is power. 2. We need not fear our sexuality. 3. Glitter + Grime = Good 4. My friends think I've gone crazy My judgment's gettin' kinda hazy My sleep is gonna be affected If I keep it up like a love-­‐sick crack head 5. Between hippies and the resurge of hippies recently, Ke$ha was the biggest proponent of not bathing. 6. Ke$ha transformed the feminist movement. 24 7. “Drink that Kool Aid, follow my lead” was probably a reference to Jim Jones making his cult commit suicide by drinking Kool Aid laced with cyanide. Ke$ha’s very aware. 8. If you wake up in a bathtub, that doesn’t mean you’re going to have a bad day. I guess I always figured it would be sort of a Nicki Minaj situation. We all think she’s really weird for a while, and then she disappears, and then comes back and completely takes over the world. Nicki and Taylor Swift are currently competing for the throne, so maybe there’s not room for Ke$ha just yet. I’ll be waiting for you. Here’s a haiku I wrote: Wild childs, lookin’ good. Go go insane, go insane The party don’t stop. Wherever you are, I believe in you. Text me if you need anything (912) 222-­‐8565 25 10 Million Words But Only One Vipa Gabe Waksman Sonic the fucking Hedgehog, with a discography totaling nearly a thousand albums and record sales that could almost, but not quite, finance the purchase of a decent pair of salad tongs. Have you ever heard an album so lyrically profound, so sonically pleasing, so brilliantly written and produced, that it entirely shifted the lens through which you view music? If not, you may or may not be in luck, because it’s not entirely impossible that Viper’s Ass could potentially be an album that might fit a description similar to, but not exactly matching, that one. There are quite a few things that one could say about Ass; not too many things, but more than, say, the number of pieces of cereal in a box – the normal size, not the big family size kind. For the record, we’re only counting full pieces here, not the half-­‐pieces that get broken apart in transit, or the sad cereal dust at the bottom that you begrudgingly eat because you keep opening and closing the fridge, hoping that a suitable snack will miraculously appear in its time of greatest need. Viper is the stage name of Houston, TX-­‐based rapper, producer, real estate agent, and self-­‐proclaimed Top Malla Lee Carter, famous for his vaporwave-­‐esque beats and his slow, deep-­‐voiced lyrical delivery. Viper boasts a vocal range comparable to that one “chocolate rain” guy shifted down an octave, and the enthusiasm of that one “chocolate rain” guy being held at gunpoint. To call Viper prolific would be a profound understatement; since 2008, Viper has been releasing albums faster than the unholy, Adderall-­‐fueled offspring of a cheetah and 26 Ass opens with the appropriately titled “She Gone Give U Tha Ass”. To its sorrowful violin-­‐and-­‐synth beat, Viper discusses themes of money, jealousy, and conflict; remarkably, ass (and its being given by the eponymous “she”) is never mentioned; instead, Viper’s lyrics center around his favorable financial status, emphasizing “how his money multiply” and pointedly mentioning that he’s “got that cheese”. After the first two minutes, Viper’s vocals become harsher, more obscured, and even deeper -­‐ shit may as well be a dog whistle at this point, except low instead of high, I guess. At this point, Viper still has yet to mention the titular ass; in combination with the obfuscation of his vocals, Viper may here be attempting to convey a longing for, or feeling of distance from, Tha Ass. Perhaps Viper feels that Tha Ass is just out of reach, thus fostering his use of the phrase “Give U Tha Ass”, rather than “Give Me Tha Ass”, as would be consistent with his boastful lyricism present in previous albums like Yo Main Girl Holdin’ Me, Yo Main Girlfriend Holdin’ Me, Yo Wife F*cked Me & Fell in Luv, Yo Baby Mama, Main, & Side Holdin’ Me, Yo Baby Mama, Main, & Side Holdin’ Me II, and Shet up U Stupid Idiot. That, or he just forgot what he titled the track, which is pretty likely. Can’t blame you, Viper. One man can only do so much (although according to your 2014 release They Lookin 2 Clone Me, that’s being worked on). On Unmindful, Viper takes a step back to discuss a topic near and dear to him -­‐ human cannibalism through 27 liquefication. Unmindful is the quintessential Viper track: artificially low-­‐pitched vocals, lyrics reminiscent of a fourteen-­‐year-­‐old’s YouTube comment on a Tyga instrumental track, and the audio quality and background noise of that same fourteen-­‐year-­‐old’s best friend’s Soundcloud mixtape, which he advertises on Kendrick Lamar songs on YouTube’s front page, urging viewers to “just check him out & give him a chance”. The song begins with a beautifully simple, deeply contemplative chorus, consisting exclusively of what sounds like “I ball, and I drank Paul / Vegeta’s hustla that shot call” (x4). Can you imagine, though? Poor Paul. If Viper drank him, that leaves us with two possibilities: 1) He was somehow blended into liquid form, which apart from the obvious pain involved, would mean that Viper essentially chugged a quantity of liquid with a human-­‐sized volume and a weight of over a hundred pounds, or 2) Viper can grow himself to a size so large that Paul was small enough to essentially function as a single liquid drop or particle, the scarier implication of which is that Viper has Ant-­‐Man’s powers. What if he has the turning small part too? What if Viper can shrink down to tiny sizes and sneak into your house when you aren’t looking? Just think -­‐ tiny Viper could be hiding in your bathroom right now, using his tiny computer and tiny mic to record songs about selling tiny crack. Actually, come to think of it, the mental image going on here is sort of adorable. I’ll allow it, Viper. You win this time, and I haven’t even figured out how Vegeta is involved yet. I would listen to the other tracks, but I’m genuinely afraid that any more philosophical pre-­‐vaporwave mallsoft gangsta cloud rap will bring me to a life-­‐ 28 altering realization that will cause me to reach Nirvana, and I’m honestly not ready. I’ve been listening to Viper for about four hours now, which is six more hours than I ever intended to spend listening to Viper, and I think I’m starting to understand what it’s like to be waterboarded. All in all, Ass is an impressive album, easily among the 100 best philosophical pre-­‐vaporwave mallsoft gangsta cloud rap albums to be released on a Tuesday this month. It’s not for everyone, though; you may just not be an Ass man, and you’re entitled to that opinion. Longtime Viper fans will eat Ass up, praising the familiar droning speech and beats that remind them of their favorite childhood mall elevator, but harsher detractors may slam Viper’s Ass hard, criticizing the fact that, basically, you can’t understand a fucking word he says. I’d rate the album out of 10, but my rating can only be expressed as an infinite continued fraction, and I can honestly say that I’ve already wasted enough space talking about the beautiful things that Viper pushes out using his Ass. About the Reviewer: Gabe Waksman is a 23-­‐foot-­‐tall lizard man who lives in a small cave on the outskirts of Tashkent, Uzbekistan, with his cat Mittens and a small, but respectable hoard of Oreo crumbs. He generally keeps to himself, mostly because his Uzbek is a bit rusty, not to mention the typical human reaction to two-­‐foot-­‐long lizard claws. He enjoys listening to those ASMR videos on YouTube, eating packets of Taco Bell sauce by themselves, and trying to convince people to listen to the EP Pomelo Tongue by independent Ohio post-­‐hardcore band Expeditions, which he swears is really, really good, if you’re into that sort of thing. 29 Don Tonald’s Cosmic Horrorscopes Thomas Speers That’s right, I’m back! Did you think that the stars, shining in cold clear lines of eternity, had really forgotten about you and your problems? That’s a big ol’ nope – they take as much perverse glee in telling your futures as ever, depending of course on which vague Babylonian sky-­‐animal was behind the sun on the day you were born. And once again, I have taken it upon myself to translate all of this cosmic sass into a nice, readable horoscope for your pleasure. Be warned, however: everything I write is 70% true. Those aren’t good odds. Aries (21 March – 20 April): What did I tell you about using condoms??? Taurus (21 April – 21 May): Beware of nefarious henchmen this month. Or maybe just Minions. Ancient Sumerian uses the same word for both, I can never tell which it is. Gemini (22 May – 21 June): This month is a great time to invest in an umbrella. Or maybe some sandbags. Hell, see if there are any arks on sale, couldn’t hurt you. Cancer (22 June – 22 July): Great things are afoot this month. Too bad you’re still in bed, per usual. Ass. Leo (23 July – 22 August): Oh wow, I feel weird. Hang on a min u … t a
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You’re in the clear, pal. Virgo (23 August – 22 September): Now is a great time to start expanding your mind. The old-­‐fashioned way. With, you know, books. Libra (23 September – 23 October): So they broke it off. Typical. All you can do this month is continue being fabulous. The stars appreciate fabulousness, y’know. Scorpio (24 October – 22 November): Whatever you do this month, do not, under any circumstances. Sagittarius (23 November – 21 December): I made a drunken wager with Death that this would finally be the month when you did that thing you’ve been working yourself up towards all year. Don’t let me down, kiddo. Heh. (I gotta stop making bets when I drink). Capricorn (22 December – 20 January): Sex. Lots of it. Everywhere. For you? Signs point to maybe. Also see Aries. Aquarius (21 January – 19 February): This month a beautiful stranger of the opposite sex will appear in your life, playing a quirky instrument and being bubblier than the campanile with detergent thrown in, all to save you from being a shlub. Lucky bastid. Pisces: (20 February – 20 March): This month you will come into great wealth. Gross, dude. 31 High Class Restaurant Reviews – Cookout CookoutLuvr420 Editor’s note: Lint & Loose Change does not endorse the entirely legal and entirely sober mental state in which this article was written. We do, however, find the results hilarious, and we hope you do too. Cookout. It’s the greatest restaurant of all time. It has dozens of options, at extremely cheap prices that truly aren’t that bad. I’ve been to Cookout over a thousand times rounding to the nearest thousand, plus five hundred. I know a few things about this glorious, greasy restaurant. Every time you go to Cookout, get the tray with a milkshake. You can order a whole bunch of things on the tray, but you HAVE to get the Chicken Quesadillas for your main order and double down with Chicken Quesadillas. These are possible the best, worst quesadillas you’ll ever have. They taste like the sweat of minimum wage workers, but that is some tasty sweat. Don’t be alarmed if your flour tortillas contain no chicken. Cookout Quesadillas may not contain real meat, but they are delicious and perfectly unhealthy. Sure there are probably better options at Cookout, but who cares? For a milkshake, I can’t really recommend any flavor over another. Except for the Hi-­‐C flavored milkshake; it’s clearly the best of the best. It may not taste like Hi-­‐C, fruit, or any other semi-­‐health food, but it perfectly combines milk and artificial flavorings. It really doesn’t get much better than putting your Hi-­‐C milkshake onto a Chicken Quesadilla and basking in its glory. The artificial fruit flavor complements the greasy cheese sweat of a Quesadilla in the most beautiful ways. In conclusion Cookout is the best restaurant of all time. Fo’ sho. 32 By James Hunter 33 This page left unintentionally blank.